#so much good food for me specifically
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ouug uuu pandaemonium.................................
#//my stuff#so much good food for me specifically#i mean it was great in general too!! but so many little things i wanted to do fit so perfectly in im crying#im now lying on the floor face down#the amount of times i made ouug ough noises in call im so sorry#i was either panicking while healing or getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer with lore#anyways i wont be posting any spoilers for a while and if i do they will be tagged with pandaemonium spoilers
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Have you all imagined the days where Kaeya would scream in frustration when he tries to create a Khaenri'ahn dish, but the dish just doesn't taste quite right?
How about the helpless feeling he gets when he barely remembers what ingredients go in his homeland's dishes?
And what about the cravings that have never been satisfied since he was a child because his father didn't teach him how to make them?
For an adventurous food lover... perhaps forever losing your nation's food might just be the most painful thing.
#kaeya#kaeya alberich#gi kaeya#hi i wanted to hurt yall today coz this is how i show how much i missed you guys#tw: food#i come back only to bring kaeyangst...#so...have you guys ever noticed how much he LOVES good food?#he is not exactly a picky eater BUT he does know the specifics of what he wants#surprisingly has a ton of information on him regarding food too#oddly specific steak preferences#asking diloo to add food to the menu#glaringly obvious sweet tooth#BUT... he can't talk about Khaenri'ah...#him cutting four-pointed stars on his mushrooms when he makes his skewers...#anyway did yall miss me?#think again. ive only got angst in my notes#edit: changed phrasing into something I'm more happy with
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???? something something deep discomfort with body image is it generational?????????
#does your soul ever leave your body when your mom says something and youre like a) Ah. thats where this specific pain comes from#and b) not for anything would i perpetuate this to my own daughter should God bless me with one#anyway mother casually dropped mid conv that i ought to weigh myself once a week just to make sure i was eating right#and by Right she means not too much and not too much of what she considers Junk#also my soul left my BODY when i told her what i was wearing to the date tmr#(red pinafore mini dress with tights and a cute little cardigan situation that i actually feel GOOD in)#and she was like is your stomach bloated right now? if it is dont wear it#(the word she used can be bloated swollen or big in chinese)#MA'AM??????????#anyway im glad theres been fortifying work done in my heart bc this wouldve devastated me last year. absolutely CRUSHED me.#but im like okay........ well i look cute and im at a healthy weight. and im starting to eat better. and i only feel nauseous#thinking abt food occasionally. and i dont weigh and measure myself daily anymore. so thats progress.#also i personally think i look cute in that outfit so i think i SHALL wear it tmr.#anyway. thoughts!!!!!
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I did get called out by my therapist for blorbo crimes (nicely, she was very supportive and encouraging so this is largely a joke) over the fact that I made soup, bread, AND now meat pies this week, but you know what? I have soup, bread, and meat pies. And this is what's important. 😌
#her: is it more enjoyable to cook since it's from a cookbook related to a thing you like?#me (has specifically made xhorhas foods): .......maybe#tbf the bread is a king arthur recipe but I did make it to go WITH the soup#I have SO MUCH SOUP it actually filled EIGHT JARS#and ALSO tbf there was a meat pie recipe in the taldorei section iirc but the asarius one had instructions for freezing#which was EXACTLY what I wanted cuz I can get good frozen meat pies but the shop that makes them is farrrr#and grocery store frozen meat pies are. just nowhere near as good.#so I did in fact go with the asarius version.
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not me listening to SNOWFLAKES on loop cuz it's low-key my favorite p4 song and realizing the lyrics like perfectly encompass yu's feelings about inaba and his friends and having to leave.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT. UGHHHHHH. THE PAIN OF HAVING MEDIA COMPREHENSION SKILLS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
#puppy rambles#persona 4#p4#yu narukami#investigation team#literally only the first two lines are purely about winter-#the rest of it is yu's feelings about having to leave his friends and how much he loves it in inaba#:((( /pos#the “this friendship it was built to last line” is what really gets me tbh. and the “treasured place” which is obviously inaba#possibly the junes food court specifically#also similarly heartbeat‚ heartbreak is seemingly meant to be reflecting yu's feelings about adachi being the killer#idk how your affection fits into this at all if it does#not overworld songs but reach out to the truth is just about p4's themes. same with pursuing my true self#and i assume shadow world but idk the lyrics#heaven is nanako's feelings after her mom's death. being alone so often and whatnot#and time to make history is. there i guess? it's good but i don't think it really reflects a lot of stuff in its lyrics-#i prefer reach out to the truth cuz of that. and just cuz it bops esp the second half in the reincarnation version#there might be something i'm missing with it and your affection though the lyrics don't really feel like they fit but. might be missing smth#admittedly not always great at more implied stuff. autism 😔
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I was just thinking what a cool job this might be.. what if you were just the person who makes little still images of cute animal figurines doing various activities to post on social media...? like.. show up to work and just spend the whole day like "hmm... this table should be placed to the left a little.. let me set this miniature bagel down in this way... this tiny rabbit should be wearing a scarf", setting the backgrounds, the lighting, etc. ... dream job perhaps lol...
#I'm sure it probably doesnt pay much lol#but.. maybe in some ideal world..#with my health and mental conditions and level of functioning there are VERY few Jobs I could actually EVER manage aside from#just being self employed and being able to set my own hours somehow etc... But every once in a while I come across something like this#and it's like... hrmm.... Yes... perhaps if I could align myself in this hyper specific scenario under hyper specific conditions in a#precise and predictable way and everything worked out perfectly and I had all the accomodations I might need.. maybe I could#do THAT thing then .. lol#Not just generally a 'social media manager' or something. I think that would drive me into the throes of madness#but SPECIFICALLY 'person who makes the images for the calico critters social media' and also#the place i have to go to do that is either my home or within walking distance of my home and also i rarely have to interact#with others aside from the posts probably going through some approval process and initial ideas where they tell me what#type of scene to make and also i somehow make $90.000 a year doing this for only 4 days a week with frequent sick breaks#dreamy sigh and so on and so forth and such and so on#ANYWAY........#the idea of meticulously placing little pastries and miniature crayons and stuff around all day until the scene is perfectly crafted.. SO#SO so appealing to me... like designing environments in the sims except it's real and tangible.. And also imagine having access#to the FULL library of miniature items. to me that would be just as good as owning them#Like.. I get to use them and make little scenes with them and hold them and stare at them and everything except also#they're all kept at work so I don't have boxes of clutter filling home.#unlimited access to every little miniature food ever crafted yet none of the downsides (purchase cost and storage)#etc. etc. ANYWAY ...#Chuckling confidently as I add this onto the 'List Of ''Real'' Jobs I Could Do' which is just a notebook sheet of paper with only like 5#other similarly unlikely hyperspecific scenarios scribbled down
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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one major difference i have found between service industry work (in my case food service but this is widely applicable to similar jobs) and other public-facing positions is that the job itself is often very similar because people is the same, it's just in service everyone approaches you already thinking they're right and you're a fucking idiot and its their god given right to disrespect you, where in other positions even if they are not nice to you they usually acknowledge that you know more than them on issues pertaining to your job. like the difference in behaviour from people who see you as serving them vs helping them is unreal. i am doing literally the exact same things. customer is always right mentality did irreparable damage to the fabric of society
#good idea generator#i loveee the library front desk everyone is polite and people will just ask you anything#they assume so much knowledge and access to data#ill be like 'just one moment let me look that up in the system' [googles name of school + upcoming events]#also not in a mean way but i never realized until i worked here how little anybody is googling anything#i think its funny and i also love to google things for people so i am perfectly suited to this#and some questions even though they are googleable the issue is more that the person isnt totally sure what theyre asking#but like. the library hours are visible on the home page. and outside the building that you just walked into on a sign#PPL DO NOT READ SIGNS. i knew that from other jobs but good lord people do NOT even GLANCE at signs#ppl would fully walk past like 4 signs about a specific thing and proceed to ask me a q about the thing. after waiting in a line#constantly CONSTANTLY ppl are trying to enter or exit through locked doors. clambering over closed signs to do so#its someones job when the library closes specifically to point out the signs and direct ppl to an open exit#and still often people will get up to the automatic doors and be baffled and confused as to why they dont open#but like even this i dealt w/this at my food service job and it was so frustrating#bc when you had to confront these people they would get MAD AT YOU. furious that they didnt read a sign telling them where to line up#but at the library people are polite and apologetic so you know it's not malice or entitlement ppl are just kind of inattentive#monumental difference tbh i actually love front counter so much people are so fun#and i like it when nobody is actively trying to kill me with their mind while we speak
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added too much milk to my tea. i fear my life may be over 💔💔
#it’s not actually that bad it’s kinda good. i just was not expecting it#and i’m used to the specific amount of milk i usually have and this was not it.#and that upset me.#but it’s okay!!! because it is just tea!!!! at least it’s not cold idk.#AT LEAST IT WASNT TOO MUCH SUGAR!!!#i am not a sugar person when it comes to tea. i need like. half a tsp#and thats only for black tea#everything else i drink black.#but if my tea has too much sugar it is not a good experience :(#i also really don’t like when it’s not stirred properly and you get to the bottom of the cup & it’s like oh!! sugar!!! no thanks!!#it’s also really weird to me that i am not a sugar in hot drinks person#because i fucking love sweet treats!!!!! like i am such a sugar enjoyer!!!!!!!!#i am the person that will eat things that everyone else says are too sweet!!!!#i am a horrendously sweet food enjoyer!!!! i like candy corn!!!!#but yeah. anyways#why have i said more in the tags than the actual post 💔💔💔#tea#idk. thst felt necessary#i also felt like i was doing a little hashtag tea moment yk.#lately i’ve really been enjoying saying hashtag ironically idk why.#scared people think it’s unironic but also i laugh every time i dk it so. idk.#ALSO I SO GENUINELY DO NOT CARE#nobody is actually going to remember that i said hashtag one time. like no one actually cares!!!!!#ok yeah anyways!!! bye :D
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sibling art pt 2!!!
second ask of the day and please do not feel obliged to answer either I just think you deserve to see this
they captioned this one "in honour of og Fairy being a dog"
The sensitive stomach of a dog girls VS the urge to eat whatever falls on the floor
#mdzs#equineswap au#xiao pingguo#little apple#lan wunian#fairy#Thank you and your sibling so much for this lovely art AND comic!!! Its incredibly sweet!!#I also appreciate you taking the pressure off of me posting (but also this comic is *too good* to stay hidden in my inbox/folder of joy)#Fairy is also such a mood. For me specifically.#I think most of my friends can attest to the fact I am notorious for eating things I should not#I've gotten food poisoning from things you wouldn't even think someone would attempt#There have been near scuffles as I make a dive for food that falls on the ground at the same time a pal is trying to say 'No thats Garbage!#Back to fairy...I'm hitting the gavel and declaring her both a 'tummy hurts all the time' girl#and also a 'will eat things without checking its edibility' girl.#jin ling is a dog that is so picky he wont eat anything off the floor. So someone's gotta do it.
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if i had a more fem face it would be over for all yall 🙄
#and if my hair worked the way i wanted it to#blaming >t on my aunts hair products tho fur real#and if i had less acne but thats my own fault cause i stopped eating and drinking water as much while also stopping my face routine. so !!!#hashtag in the slumps#im ok tho i just need 2 scream to the void rq so im not stuck on the thoughts for 4vr#i think i need to cut everyone out of my life except for my favs and close friends#close friends r ppl i talk to on a semiregular basis and i AODRE them all theyre my sillies fr#my favs love me i love them 😋🫶#i keep wishign at angel numbers to find a lover#anyway#nvm i dont feel like ranting i just feel like being dramatic teehee#i need to rip my skin apart and get rid of my acne from the inside and also end my life#sorry Mynails are just unpainted 😋#i need to get back and redo my acne shit i look so fugly im ending my life#forehead pimples my beloathed i hate anything bringing atttention to my eyebrow nose area cause i always look. way more masc#like good for eric but i just want to be a cute fem like please#post#mae mention#ohmy godd i havent been able to properly hold down food without having to fight tthe urge to vomit like all rhe tiem i need to stop eating#like. forever. survivng on Gatorade alone#godbless my little sister she loves eating so i just keep giving her my meat i hate chicken#unless it s a specific way#i was eating roti last night and had to like Notcry cause it was so not what i l iked but its ok yall#ok doen i hate food and ppl except for favs & cfs for realz
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#wendell#fortnite#so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home#and only now she decides to cook one#she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed#she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences#and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again#and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment#i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises#and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain#i hate this so much#how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal#when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him#and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children#they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family#while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs#even though they all make the same or even more than me#i hate it#is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok#fuckkkkk
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one last thing, speaking of being glad ford doesn't make fun of people all the time: in dun.geon m.eshi I spent the last 11 episodes like "god if I was in his laios's place I would not be that patient with the people around me constantly booing me and joking about me being crazy and dumb and weird. I wouldn't *leave* considering the stakes but I would be having a bad time"
#trying to stop this from randomly being in the shows tags lol#recently ive been like 'thank god there is someone else here who gets what he means and is on his wavelength now'#I know sen.shi has been mostly on his wavelength but only specifically when it comes to monsters and cooking#like to be clear ive been really liking the show so far#I just always always see these kinds of autistic characters have to let all the little insults and digs at them roll off their backs#i dont think they should change laios's character. it makes sense for his character and hes great. im just talking about Broad Trends#i do think ford not putting up with that kind of shit is one of the things that makes him matter so much to me#character who refuses to put up with All That. and is also allowed to be one of the good guys and have a happy ending? usually unheard of#for laios's show its like. yeah the different reactions to needing to get food from monsters is a really good way of establishing conflict#-across a variety of situations. and if everyone was hype about it then it would be a weaker narrative#and if he was mad about their digs at him then that would change the focus of the story#i just want more stories where characters are allowed to be like ford
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idk sometimes i do wonder if it would be a little bit easier to foster and nurture good friendships if i didn't live my entire life with the specter of my family hanging over my head shaping everything i think is normal and good and rightful
#like idk maybe perhaps if not being at dinner with them didn't make me feel like i should like#perform an honor killing on myself by bashing my head on a table corner until my eyeballs fall out#maybe that would be conductive to a bit more healthy of a social life#maybe if i didn't need to wake up at least at 1pm everyday to avoid lunch#maybe if they had friends when i was a kid#maybe if they didn't always seem so bitter and blasé and disappointed in all of their rare social activities#maybe if I had friends when i was a kid#if i had siblings or playdates or yknow a little help for the small social struggles in kindergarten that rapidly snowballed into this mess#if they didn't take so much pride in only putting me in daycare a handful of times as a kid#maybe if god didn't hate me specifically and my mom's pregnancy was blessed with the crazy twin genes in the family#maybe if i didn't spend my teenage years Making A Good Impression on my parents' geriatric friends#maybe if i didn't feel like i should just fucking kill myself or abandon everything else and get a job to give them my entire paycheck#to pay them back what i owe for all these years#everytime i think about going out or buying something besides binge food#broadcasting my misery#vent
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seeing an artist who is absolutely Fucking Huge at rhe moment and being like okay yes I recognize theyre objectively good and these songs are obviously excellent from a technical perspective and it makes complete sense to me that they are Massive and I believe they deserve it but also theres no weird bits happening so :/ not even making any strange noises :/
#buzzy#this is about specific current artists but also about past artists but also about future artists#like sometimes these sorts of just Objectively Good on a Technical Level Songs do hit for me but a lot of the time im just like#oh yeah theyre a great singer. gonna go back to my bitches making strange sounds into the microphone tho#see this is why lady gaga fucked so hard. she was doing great technical bits but was also weird as hell about it#making strange sounds into the mic#also maybe these other Big Artists DO in fact have songs that would appeal to me more but its kinda the equivalent of watching food network#and saying 'oh yeah that gourmet steak looks perfectly cooked and the presentation is excellent. too bad steak is yucky'#yes i see exactly why everyone loves u but the problem is ur too good. so much that im bored now actually.#when i say i have bad music taste i dont just mean 'oh i like unpopular songs' i mean 'oh i LOVE voice cracks and weird noises'#'i LOVE walls of unintelligible sound and discordinance and Noise and Bits and Bobs'
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i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of
#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration#just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming#the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness#eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing#what a damn chore#so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked#i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED.#i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please...#i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace#but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know#anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes#so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really#trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway...#the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever#JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess#light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings#also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL#so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me#but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace#sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general#oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body#& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks#like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman#& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC
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