#so much about childhood trauma is forgetting and distancing yourself from your past

[stormofdefiance]

There’s so much absolutely heart wrenching beautiful anguished art of Aventurine out there, and I love it all, but the thing that makes me cry, on 100% guarantee, is seeing wee happy Kakavasha 😭

[maplecornia]

chapter 69

infinite stars masterlist | BTS masterlist | masterlist | playlist

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫��: 3.1K

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤: bts x female!reader

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: everything could change, but one thing that will never change is the bond between you and i

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language | mentions of rape | childhood trauma | multiple forms of abuse | mentions of blood and injuries | toxic relationships | mentions of alcohol and drugs | r*pe | assault | graphic depictions of all the above

taglist [OPEN]: @jaeyunverse | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @plxlekoo (not taggable) | @cana | @eridanuswave | @MISSSEOULITE (not taggable) | @kodzuskook | @bingyuu (not taggable) | @soobmint | @hyunjxnxee | @gongiz | @uno7 (not taggable) | @yesv01 | @myork | @eunbinism | @kpopppy

The taste of damp dewdrops on your tongue, the hint of rain still playing on your skin, your mind is filled with him. The way his hand slid into yours. The tears from the sky glistening on his skin, his eyes bright and comforting against the stormy colors swirling above him. Your heart still whispers the memory of his name, your body still shivering with the places his hands had touched yours.  

Love is strange, isn't it?

The way the simplest gestures, the simplest moments, can mean the world if it comes from someone you love. The way it can make you forget about everything else, save the memory of them, the feeling it felt just to be in their presence. To be beside them, even if only for a moment. Almost as though it were a special pill, a drug of some sort made just for you. 

After all, your mind is so full of Tae that when Jaejin calls your name you find you had forgotten he was here.

For a moment, it was easy to forget about the way he had hurt you, and abandoned you. For a moment, his betrayal was nothing more than a fact you had accepted a long time ago. And perhaps it would have been.

If it wasn't for the lies. 

Some drugs can't mask even that. 

"How is she?" 

His concerned gaze makes you pause for a moment. You wonder if it's time to forgive him, if even after everything that's happened you can at least forgive him for this. 

But then you see the watch Mijeong got him for last Christmas. 

A watch he still hasn't taken off.

A watch that got to stay with him when she had to leave him behind. 

Taking a deep breath, you fix him with a silent, cold stare, letting your shoes fall haphazardly on the ground before stepping inside your home. 

"If you wanted to know, you should've visited her yourself." 

Jaejin sighs as you brush past him, heading towards your room. 

If it were any other day perhaps he would have let you walk by, perhaps it would have gone on like it has been ever since he returned. As though the two of you were mere strangers living under the same roof. No interaction, nothing but the silence of your anger and his neverending shame. 

But it is not any other day. 

And Jaejin has had more than enough. 

“Is this how it’s going to be?"

There is only so much a person can take before they break, and Jaejin is unwilling to let your relationship fall to pieces, especially not when he is the one to blame.

"Look, I know you’re pissed at me, and I get it okay? It's my fault. I should have never left you when you needed me, but it was my dream! If I didn't try I would've regretted it, I thought you of all people would understand." 

You thought you would be angrier. You thought you would scream, fight him, push him away in a blur of tears and hot-blooded anger. 

Maybe it's because you're too tired, maybe it's because you've finally put things into perspective, or maybe you can't handle the distance between someone who feels like home any more than he can...

But you don't do any of that. 

Instead, you silently turn to him, your next few words a mere whisper. 

"You’re an idiot.” 

And if Jaejin was expecting anything, it surely wasn't this. 

“What?” 

Scoffing, you take your bag off your shoulder and set it down with a loud thump on the counter before fixing him with an incredulous look. 

“You think I’m mad because you left?” 

And at his silence, you know that you are correct. Rolling your eyes at his perplexed expression you run your hands through your hair in exasperation. 

“I’m mad because you lied to me, Jae!"

“What are you talking about?” 

Taking a deep breath, you fix him with a glare, trying your best to stay calm. Does he think you're stupid? Did he think that when he came home alone, you wouldn't put two and two together? Did he forget how thin your walls were?

How far was he going to take the lie until he was able to tell you the truth?

"I'm going to ask you something. And when you answer, I need it to be the truth, do you understand?" 

And though he doesn't speak, he nods silently. And though you're scared to hear the truth that he's been keeping from you for years, you also know that you need to hear it come from his lips. In order for you to move on from this, for you to trust him again, you need to know.

The real reason he's grown distant from you. The real reason it was so easy for him to leave you behind. The real reason he broke his promise. 

“Why did you and Mijeong break up?” 

Jaejin's heart drops to his gut at the question. 

And for a moment he can't find anything to say. He thought when he finally confessed, it would feel different, perhaps easier. And yet, after all this time he still can't find the words to express everything that has been building in his heart. 

Especially when it comes to you. 

How can he say anything when he is still irrevocably in love with Mijeong? How can he even think he has a right to dump his complex feelings on your shoulders when he doesn't even know what they mean? 

So instead, he runs his hand over his face, clear anguish written on the bitter smile that plays on his lips. 

“Did she tell you?” 

Swallowing hard, you shake your head. 

"I overheard you two talking that night.” 

His heart falls deeper into the pit of despair, and he runs his hands through his hair, unable to look you in the eye. His legs suddenly weak, he walks over to the couch and holds his head helplessly in his hands as he sits. 

You know.

You know and he didn't even get a chance to explain it to you. 

He doesn't know what is worse. 

You've seen Jaejin break down before. 

When his mother left him at his grandparent's house, with nothing more than an empty promise to return soon, only to be never seen again. When he had his first heartbreak and the two of you skipped class in hopes to chase it away. When his grandfather died, and he couldn't make it in time to say goodbye. 

When you left him behind, and the two of you said your first goodbye. 

Each time, you've seen the very same lost look on his face. The chaos in his eyes as he tries to figure out what to do next. How to make sense of an impossible situation which fate has already decided for him. You've seen the tears and you've heard the screams of anger, you've witnessed the worst and you've been beside him through all the bad. 

But this...

This is something different.

It's a side to him that he's hidden from you, that he's been trying to hide from you, and you have only just realized. It's new terrain, a dangerous one, one which you have no idea how to navigate. 

And yet, it is all so painfully similar, you have to wonder if he has shown this side, but it is you who has changed. If you are looking at him with new eyes, eyes that have seen everything, and yet nothing at all. 

After a moment, you join him on the couch, your voice soft when you next speak. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

"You had enough on your plate without me burdening you.” Jaejin shakes his head, his bitter smile only growing as he tries to pretend that he is alright. "I didn't want to keep it from you, it’s just you've been through enough and I was kind of scared.” 

“Of what?” 

And when he turns to you, there's a look of tenderness in his eyes that you've never noticed before. That perhaps you have seen, but have been too afraid to acknowledge.

Or rather, too scared to realize what they could mean. 

“The questions.”

At the response, you go silent avoiding his eyes, and he can't help the smile that appears on his face. Though brief, it's the most real flicker of happiness he's felt in your presence for a while, and it gives him hope. 

Perhaps this doesn't mean that everything has to change. Perhaps the two of them can stay the same, and he doesn't have to let go of you just yet. Perhaps this small, foolish hope could become their reality. 

“It’s okay, Yen, you can ask me.” 

And though Yen is wary, she does. No matter the consequences, she has to know, even if it hurts her more than she could have ever expected. 

“I thought you loved her.” 

“I do.” 

“Then why can’t you fix it?” 

It takes Jaejin a moment to answer, and when he does he cannot bear to look her in the eyes. He knows what his confession means, and he doesn't know how she will react, but he also knows she deserves the truth. Even if the timing is terrible, and even if this means their relationship has been torn at the seams, she deserves to know the reason why. 

“Because I'm in love with someone else.” 

Yen takes a shaky breath, almost too scared to ask the next question. 

"Who?" 

Jaejin finally gains the courage to look at her, and when she meets his dark eyes, he can see the answer swimming deep in his irises almost as though it had always been present and she was just noticing the depth of the meaning in this moment alone. 

“You already know.” 

Yen goes silent and Jaejin waits for her to figure out what to say next. 

Just as he always has. 

Ever since they were children who leaned on each other when the world was too cruel for them to face, he's always sat afar, watching from a distance. Waiting for her to come and take his hand. Waiting for her to tell him to be brave. Waiting for her to give him the courage to fight. Waiting for her to be ready to come to him and see what he had only realized too late. 

Always waiting. 

In reality, he has always known the day would come when her smile would change towards him. When she would no longer be as warm and welcoming as she was when she was blind to his feelings and never had to bear witness to his selfishness. 

He just was never ready for the day to come. 

"I don't believe you."

And perhaps neither was she. 

"Yen..."

"No! If you loved me, then why didn't you tell me?" As you look at him now, he can see the anguish behind your growing tears. "You knew how I felt about you, but you were the one who drew the line. You were the one who told me we couldn't be anything but friends." 

He wonders how many times he has hurt you. How many times he has betrayed you. How many times he has broken all of his promises toward you just because he was scared of his feelings. 

"I didn't realize it until you were already gone, and by then it was too late."

And yet he is still selfish enough to want you to stay like you always have. Because he doesn't want to let you go, because you are the closest thing to home he has left, and perhaps that is the scariest thought of all. Knowing you have someone who you rely on in that way, someone you need as much as the air you breathe. 

"That day I ran to you at the airport, that was me trying to confess, but I couldn't do it." 

But does that mean it's love?

Can it be anything else?

"I wonder why." 

You don't know what to say. 

Jaejin was your first love. A childhood crush you never quite got over, even when you said your final goodbyes. You always looked to him for everything, relied on him for everything, he was always there. You viewed him as your knight in shining armor. Someone who could complete your fairy tale ending almost as easily as he had repaired your broken heart. He carried a piece of it and faithfully kept it alive and beating. To this day he still harbors it close just as you cherish the piece he has given to you. 

But over time the love you had for him faded into an affection for a friend, a brother. You will always love him, and he will always carry with him the memories of your youth, but the world you had built with him has long been left in the past, and that's where you thought it would stay. 

But now...

“Mijeong knew." Your eyes widen at the confession, and as you look at him now you can see just how wretched he is. Just how much these feelings have torn him apart from the inside out. "She knew even before we started dating. She’s the one who wanted to start this, even when she knew I still loved you.” 

“Why?” 

Jaejin smiles to himself at one of the many memories when Mijeong was still by his side. And though she will never know how he feels about her, he will always keep these memories they shared safe in the rose-tinted hue of perfection. For if he didn't, what more would he have than the darkening hatred of his own betrayal?

“That’s something only she knows.” 

The thought perplexes you more than you thought it would. How could you love someone who you knew would never love you back? Even if there were some hint that you could sway their heart, wouldn't it be painful? Wouldn't it tear you apart to know that the person you wanted the most in the world still had feelings for someone else?

How cruel can love be that that kind of distress would be worth it, if only it meant you could stay by their side for just a little bit longer? 

“Don’t worry about us, Yen. We’ll be okay. After all, we were friends before this, that’s not going to change.” 

Swallowing hard, you stare at your hands. 

“What about us?” Jaejin's eyes widen, and he turns to you, but you're unable to face him. You don't want to lose him, you don't want to let go of another piece of your home. Even if things have changed, does that mean you have to as well? “We’ll still be friends right?” 

And as his fears are finally voiced, his desperation grows, and on impulse, he takes your hands in his own, pulling you into a tight hug.

You don't know what it is. 

Maybe it's the nostalgia that's mixed with his scent of strawberries and crisp cologne, or perhaps the fact that this is the first time you've hugged him since he's returned. Or maybe it's simply because you've needed him for far too long that now that his arms are around you once more, it's become too much for you to bear.

No matter the reason, once he's enveloped you in the familiar cocoon of safety and warmth you allow the tears that have been building up to release. All of your fears finally come to fruition as you cling tightly to him, and he grips tightly to you. 

“Always." You nearly deflate in relief at the reassurance and respond by wrapping your arms tighter around his midsection. "I’m here for the long run, Yen, I won’t ever leave your side again."

If there is one thing Jaejin knows, it's that it doesn't matter how Yen feels. It's okay if she doesn't love him the way he does. He never needed her to love him, he just needed her by his side. Perhaps that is the real reason he didn't tell her how he felt before it was too late. Perhaps that's why he let her go. 

"I can deal with my feelings, I’ve been dealing with them for years, so please don’t worry about this. Concentrate on yourself, and I can figure out what I want.” Pulling away, he takes her face into his hands and squeezes it, snot, tears, and all. “I’m the only one who can do that, no one else should be the one to carry that burden." 

If all she needs from him is a friend, then that is all he will be. That alone is enough.

"That’s too much to ask of anyone.” 

And when he says that phrase, you finally understand. 

Why he and Mijeong leaned on each other, and why he had to let her go. 

But before you can say anything more, he presses a kiss on your forehead before standing and walking away. 

"Wait, Jae--"

"A little bird once told me to live my life to the fullest, without any regrets." 

You blink in shock as he repeats the words you told him when you left him behind, leaving you speechless. Turning around, he smiles at you, and you are taken back to the moment when you first met him. For that is the same smile he sent your way, the same look he gave you that turned him into your Prince Charming. 

“I hope you remember that when you’re on that stage." 

Even though everything has changed, some things still stay the same.

And you hope your friendship, just like when you were the two fragile kids all those years ago, will never sway.

"Good luck, little birdy.” 

And with that, he turns around, leaving you alone. 

Is it okay to live your life to your fullest? Is it okay to be just a little selfish, and ask for a little more than you know you deserve? 

In the dark, the only light you can see is the stars that glimmer outside. 

When you were younger, you would chase those very same stars, and now as you step out onto the balcony, you view them with the same wonder; the same fears. You're so close to your dream, so close to becoming one of the stars burning bright in the sky. It's everything you've ever wanted and its yours if you choose it. 

But what does it take to shine? What do you have to sacrifice to gain even a few moments amongst that dark sky? 

And what happens when you finally burn out?

Will they remember you?

Or will you be forgotten? 

“Are you proud? We’re almost there."

Smiling softly, you swallow hard at the thought, your hands shaking as you wrap them around your body. You always thought you were strong enough, but perhaps you never were. Maybe no one ever is. 

But is that reason enough to give up?

"It’s so close, but how much more do we have to lose before we can achieve it?” 

note ::

this is off topic but I really like Jaejin's and Yen's friendship. Maybe at one point in time it could have blossomed into something more but right now, their friendship is something Yen really needs and I'm glad that she has it even if Jaejin's feelings have become complicated.

chapter 70 here

[ficsforeren]

The Last Song - Chapter 9

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader feat. Armin Arlert

Genre: Rockstar AU, Friends with Benefits, Angst, Smut, Fluff, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger has two personas, a charismatic lead vocal who has lost himself in fame, and a boy who struggles with depression, seeking for someone to bring him back to where he was twelve years ago. Where he only knew love in the form of your name.

Chapter Summary: Eren extends his stay in another country for a month, and you’re shrouded with nothing but loneliness. Desperate to have someone else to distract you from it, you seek comfort in Armin’s company.

Content Warnings: explicit sex (cunnilingus, blow job, fingering, hand job, car sex, dry humping, drunk sex, public sex, unprotected sex, one night stand, choking, treating women like objects, dub-con, corruption, face-sitting, sex toys, daddy kink, praise kink, slight degradation, etc), substance abuse (use of drugs, alcohol, tobacco), severe abandonment issues, childhood trauma, anxiety attacks, depression, adultery, physical abuse towards men and women, family issues, abusive parents, crude words, dark humor, mention of sexual assault/rape, harassment, car accident and child abuse.

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart (follow her on Twitter)

That night, you can’t sleep.

The digital clock on your phone screen shows that it’s a little bit past two in the morning and here you are, eyes wide open as you lie in your bed, your thoughts replaying the scenes you want nothing more than to forget.

The angry, nonsensical messages on your Instagram account have stopped coming, but you doubt it’s because they’re tired of you being ignorant of their venom-laced words. Within a day, three different users have swarmed your inbox with more messages you have ever received from someone in less than twelve hours. They’re all the same, telling you to keep your distance from Eren because they’re ‘worried’ that you’d put his career in jeopardy. No matter how much you try to ignore them, with the amount of hate you’re getting, they eventually get into your head. The initial reaction always felt like a hard punch in the gut, shocking and painful enough to make your stomach acid rose to your tongue. You did nothing wrong, you don’t know these people, and they certainly do not know the first thing about Eren. Yet, they talked like they had known him for years, voluntarily turning themselves into his first line of defense, treating you like you were the stranger who, in their words, whored yourself out to get his attention and be drenched with fame.

Talking would do you no good. They didn’t visit your inbox to have a friendly chat. They barged in there to vent out their anger, and they’d be happy the second they managed to hurt you. You will not give them the satisfaction.

So you blocked them, one by one, again and again. As expected, they created new accounts just to get their words delivered, even starting to put angry comments on the articles you wrote when they had nothing to do with Eren, Empire, or even rock music in general. You don’t want to feel so weak, but this causes you more distress than you’d like to admit. Frustrated, you’ve decided to put your account on private. Now, you can finally breathe.

Or so you thought.

Because once your eyes are closed, and your phone is silent, the turmoil inside your stomach only thrives harder. This time, it’s not triggered by a bunch of faceless strangers. It has taken a shape of a person. A beautiful model that you once adored and looked up to.

Mikasa Ackerman.

Why? Why does it have to be Mikasa Ackerman? There are million other girls in the world they could have chosen. You know it’s just business, and logically thinking, using her as their model is a great marketing strategy. She’s one of the hottest lingerie models in the industry right now, quickly rising in fame due to her exotic face and stunning body figure. The public loves her, adores how strong she is for being able to get over her traumatic past and now paving her way to success. Maybe Eren’s agency contacted her to get the attention they needed. Or maybe because they noticed how much she’d been talking about Eren in her interviews—how much of her fans are rooting for her to be with him and vice versa.

Though similar to what happened between him and Historia, right now it feels… different. The pain in your chest swells ten times larger than when you saw him kissing the blonde girl on the stage and maybe that’s because this time, you know, that their love isn’t completely fabricated. Mikasa likes him, in a way that’s borderline obsessive, even. One thing that assures you is how her love for him seems to be one-sided. Eren has stated more than once how he despised her though his reasons are still unclear to this day. But after what you witnessed in the video, it gets harder by the second to keep your faith in his words.

What if the reason he hates her now is because something happened between them in the past? You ponder. What if they were once together and now they’re just dealing with the aftermath of their break-up? What if Eren has moved on and she hasn’t? What if he only thought he’d moved on? What if the sparks are still there?

What if, what if, what if. So many questions yet no single answer. One thing for sure, Eren must have been one hell of an actor to be able to fake that amount of chemistry.

Oh, God. You drape your arm over your eyes, feeling you’re about to burst. You hate this. You hate feeling like this, and you loathe this side of yours. “Stop being jealous,” you scold yourself. “He’s not even your boyfriend.”

Just stop.

What should you do? Should you confess your feelings for him before it’s too late? What about his fans? His career? His rising popularity? What about the other Mikasas he’s going to kiss in the future? Can you handle that? No, can he handle that? Can he handle it when you’re being unreasonably jealous all the time? Can he stay calm when he sees his obsessive fans breaking your heart?

Your eyes grow hot, your lower lip still trembles no matter how hard you sink your teeth into it. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. This is not worth crying over.

Your phone rings, and it’s not singing the ringtone you’ve assigned to Eren’s number. It only chimes twice before it ends and you’re drowning in the silence of your room again. Frowning, you check on your screen.

Armin Arlert.

You take a moment to steady your pulsating heart, fingers rising to your face to wipe your tears away before they stain your cheeks. Why is he calling at two in the morning? Worried that something might have gone wrong, you decide to call him back. He picks up on the first ring.

“H-hello?” He greets. Even just by hearing his voice, you can already imagine how nervous he is.

“Hi, Armin.” Your voice still sounds a bit shaky so you clear your throat to conceal it. “Sorry, did you just call me?”

“I—” He panics. The sounds of sheets rustling in the background can be heard as he shifts his weight. “I did, but I didn’t mean to.”

“What?”

You can hear him taking a deep breath to keep himself composed. “Okay—this is going to sound pathetic but I—” There’s a dull sound that you can’t interpret until you hear him groaning.

“You okay there, Armin?”

“Yes—well, no—My phone just slipped.”

“Smacked you on the face?”

“Yeah.”

It’s two am and you find yourself holding back your laughter over something that you thought only happens in comedic movies. “Why are you so cute?” You say before you can think it through. You can feel your heart slowly returning to its normal size, the quivers in your fingertips have stopped.

“Please don’t call me cute. I am so socially awkward, it’s embarrassing.”

“A, you’re not embarrassing. B, I’m still gonna call you cute no matter how much you’ll complain so get used to it. You remind me of the dog I used to have back when I was a kid.”

“I reminded you of your dog?”

“Yeah. He’s dead now but—”

“I reminded you of your dead dog?”

The horror is clear in his voice, pulling a tiny peal of laughter to escape from the back of your throat. “Yes, but he was cute, and that’s my point.”

“Oh God,” he groans, which only makes you smile a little wider. He’s mumbling to himself as he strays away from his phone, and you press yours harder to your ear to catch his words. Faintly, you can hear him say, “My first time talking to a girl I like at two AM and she reminds me of her dead dog. Great.”

“Armin?”

He returns. “I’m—I’m here.”

“Relax, okay? It’s not like I’m going to call the cops on you for calling me at this hour.”

“I know.” He sighs, sounding visibly upset and mortified. “I was trying to write you a text but I panicked, tapped the wrong button, and ended up calling you. I’m sorry, I—I didn’t mean to bother you at this hour, I swear.”

You blink twice, taking a moment to process his words before you burst out laughing. “You’re not serious, are you?”

“Sadly, I am.” You can imagine him pouting. “I’m sorry for being so dumb.”

“No, it’s…” You cover your lips with your fingers. “It’s cute.”

“Like your dead dog?”

Your heart warms. The heavy cloud that surrounds your heart over the thoughts of Eren sharing kisses with another woman is still there and you’re certain it’s not going to vanish anytime soon, but Armin manages to divert your attention little by little. He and his adorable clumsiness feel like a little ray of sunshine, breaking through the fog.

“No, like a really, really adorable little boy with a picture of Virginia Woolf tattooed on his arm.” He chortles at your joke, airy and light. “I thought I told you not to text me at two AM, Arlert.”

“No, you’re wrong! I—I wasn’t going to send it now—I was just trying to compose it and save it in my draft—” he stops, mumbling something to himself. “It’s… Please just ignore what I said.”

“And when are you planning to send that text you were composing?”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“I’m not.” And you find yourself giggling, even when you thought you couldn’t even put on a smile. “What did you want to text me about?”

He takes a moment before answering, his voice uncertain. “I just… thought maybe we could go to Fifth Avenue Mall this Saturday? David Chariandy is having a book signing—and I don’t know if you’ve heard about him but he wrote this book called—”

“I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You,” you finish his sentence for him.

His tone immediately turns cheery. “You’ve read it?”

“Armin, I consumed that book. It’s so beautiful and intimate. The way he describes his experience growing up as a person of color and his hopes for his daughter’s future—”

“Yes!” Armin chirps, excitement standing vividly in his voice. He asks more of your thoughts, listening intently to every word until you ask him for his. Once he begins to share his opinions, his awkwardness changes into passion, and not once does he stammer as he does so. You allow him to talk as much as he wants, never try to interrupt as you haven’t found the strength to match his enthusiasm just yet. But it’s comforting to hear his voice, to learn stories through his eyes, even the ones that you’ve read countless times before.

He makes you remember that there’s a whole world out there that doesn’t involve Eren. He reminds you of the things you love—of the books you’d spent days reading the same passages until they’re burned into the memory. Armin pulls you back into the life before Eren walked in and altered everything. He’s like a breath of fresh air, and after being suffocated for the whole day, you need it more than anything else.

It’s so easy talking to him that before you know it, an hour has passed by and your anxiety has long disappeared. What starts as a detailed discussion about the fascination that you share for books, turn into something more personal. In the hour you spent talking to him, you’ve learned that modeling was something he only did for fun. He wasn’t even sure why he managed to land a deal to be one of the models for Salvatore Ferragamo—though he guessed that his father might have pulled some strings behind the scene. But Armin isn’t planning to continue with his job. His passion has always been about books and writing, and so, he plans to write his own too. His contract with his agency would come to an end this year, and after that, he would focus everything he has on writing his book.

He’s admirable. He’s still young but he already has his goal set in mind. You’ve been wanting to write your own novel for so long. You have written several chapters for it in the past, but you never could find the bravery to submit it to a publisher, or even show your work to anyone else. Not even Eren. You’re too apprehensive, afraid to be judged, so instead, you resort to working like a slave in a multibillion-dollar company as if you had no other choice. Armin astonishes you. Despite his clumsy habits and gullible attitude, he’s courageous, so goal-driven, and devoted, just like how Eren used to be.

Eren…

It still feels heavy whenever his name fleets through your mind, submerging you deep in thoughts that revolve around him and Mikasa. Unknowingly, you become distracted enough that you begin to lose track of the conversation.

“I’m sorry, you must be tired,” Armin apologizes as he notices you turn hushed. “I’m sorry for taking so much of your time when you’re supposed to be sleeping.”

You rub a hand over your face. Great, now I’m making him feel bad. “No, I’m really glad that you called,” you tell him, filled with nothing but honesty. “This was fun, Armin. I haven’t talked about my hobby for so long. You don’t know how much I needed this. Thank you for keeping me company.”

“I…” You can picture him blushing, as he does that a lot even over the simplest compliment. “You’re very welcome.”

There’s geniality in every word he speaks, seeping deep into your chest and curve your lips into a smile. “Well, since I have work in a few hours, I do need to catch some sleep. Can we continue later?”

“Yes, oh God, I’m sorry—Please, have a rest.”

“You too.” Hopefully, Armin can feel the warmth in your voice too. “Good night, Armin.”

“Good ni—wait!”

“Yes?”

“Can I… Would it be okay to call you again tomorrow?”

You can tell how elated he is to be able to get closer to you, and you can’t pretend that you didn’t hear the hope in his voice—his desire in turning this friendly call into something more. And it’s so easy to lead him on, but is it the right thing to do? Are you planning to even consider dating him?

If it feels too much, just start seeing someone else. You don’t have to be in this relationship, you know. Pieck’s words make so much sense, and it’s better that way too. Armin isn’t popular. He doesn’t have an army of obsessed fangirls chasing after his tail. You both share the same interest, have the same type and preferences. He’s smart, he’s beyond attractive, he’s kind and sweet. He’s everything a girl would look in a boy but there’s one thing he’s lacking.

He’s not Eren.

You close your eyes, another storm waging inside your heart. “Armin.”

“Y-yes?”

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to give you hope. I don’t want to use you as his replacement. Those are the words you’re itching to say, but once you are reminded yet again of the music video you watched, your lips betray you. “Are you free tomorrow?”

“Pardon?”

“If you have some time to meet, we can grab some dinner together and talk more about the book you’re planning to write. I know a good Chinese restaurant downtown we can visit.”

You can hear him go completely silent before he gasps. There’s a sound of the bed creaking as he sits upon it. “L-Like a date?”

“A friendly date,” you correct him, and if it isn’t because of the guilt you feel inside, you’d giggle at his reaction. “As in two friends going out together, having some beers and dumplings.”

“Oh yeah—of course—“ He emits a groan, making you frown. “I’m sorry for sounding so weird. I just accidentally hit my head against the wall.”

“Jesus. Too excited?”

“No, just, uh, happy, I guess.”

“And why’s that?”

“I just happen to really love dumplings.”

***

“I have to stay for a month longer,” Eren states from the other side of the phone, a little bit unclear with the sound of club music playing vehemently in the background. “The crowds over here are crazy. Our tickets were sold out within seconds. Seconds. I don’t think that ever happened before. So we decided to extend the tour, playing in three more cities before we head back.”

Nearly a month has passed since you bid him farewell and he was supposed to come back in three days. This news, of course, crushes you and it’s not solely because you already miss him so much, it’s starting to become unbearable. It’s also because your birthday is closing in. And if he has to stay for a month longer, then you won’t be able to spend it with him. And there’s nothing more that you want in the world than to have him enclose his arms around you and whisper happy birthday in your ear.

That, and of course, being separated with him like this when you still feel so hung up over his MV really takes a toll on you.

“Oh…” You try your best to keep your voice steady. You take a seat on the edge of your bed, your hand falling on your lap. “I see.”

“Are you…” he dawdles, unsure of what to say. “Are you okay with that?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” You force a laugh, even when it feels like the floor is falling. “Eren, I’m proud of you. I’m glad to hear Empire is doing so well overseas. You deserve it.” But to your ears, your words sound nothing but a lie, even when they still come from the bottom of your heart. You decide changing the topic would be wiser. “Are you, uh, are you in a club right now?”

“Yeah,” he answers. “Reiner is having his birthday so we’re celebrating.”

“Oh… Tell Reiner I said congrats.”

“I’ll tell him later. I’m smoking outside right now.”

Glancing at the digital clock sitting on your desk, it must be midnight at where he is now. And he’s in a nightclub, celebrating someone’s birthday where there will be an endless amount of alcohol, with pretty girls partying and wanting to get their hands on him. And yet, here he is, putting a blind eye on all that and settles to talk to you over the phone.

It’s so endearing, the fact that he prioritizes you over anything else. That he chooses you over anyone else, but… Why?

Why would he do that? What do you have to offer him? Even if he’s satisfied with you right now, you can’t help but worry when someone as pretty and successful as Mikasa Ackerman is chasing after him. And now that they got to be that intimate with each other while shooting the music video, what if his feelings toward her start to change? Now that he got to know how soft her lips feel between his, what if he starts to crave more? Maybe his heart doesn’t want her but what if his body does?

The fact that no one else seems to have a problem with them together only hauls you down even deeper. You’ve spent half an hour reading the comment section for his MV, and not once did you find a hate comment toward her. There were some people—mostly Harlequin’s fans, judging by their usernames—who wished Historia was the one in her shoes but that was it. No one judged Mikasa by her looks. No one had problems with her personality. If anything, they wished they could have what Mikasa and Eren had in that little movie they played.

And there you are. Two candid photos of you walking down the street scattered online and they insulted you like you just committed the most atrocious crime. Maybe they were right. Maybe Eren was out of your league. You certainly had been thinking about it that way for quite some time, even without their help. Suddenly, all the sweet words Eren had told you in the past—the praises he made about your features, the gratitude he spoke about your kindness, and the compliments he shared between kisses and soft moans—have disappeared without a trace. What’s left within you now is a long, endless list of how you’re not good enough to be with him.

“Hey,” Eren’s husky voice brings you back. “You okay there? You’ve been quiet for a while.”

“I’m fine. Why are you not partying inside?” You nibble on your bottom lip, asking a similar question to match the situation. “Why are you talking to me and not… I don’t know, dancing with some girls or something?” Or call Mikasa instead?

There’s a pause where you can only hear the upbeat music playing in the background. Then, “Why don’t you answer that for me?”

Your stomach flips. “H-huh?”

“Yo, Eren.” Fortunately for you, someone—who sounds a lot like Jean but you can’t be so sure—is calling his name, abruptly putting a halt to the conversation. “Mikasa’s looking for you.”

It feels like you’re drowning in a frozen lake, a thousand ice daggers sinking into your skin at once. Mikasa?

Eren takes his phone away from his ear and you can faintly hear him say, “Later, Jean, I’m taking a call,” before he goes back to you. “Sorry. Where were we?”

Don’t ask about her, you tell yourself as your heart beats loudly in your ear, Don’t ask about her. You’ll only make things worse. “Is… she there?”

“What?”

“Mikasa.” You wet your lips; your breathing turns ragged. “I thought I heard her name.”

“Huh? Oh… Yeah,” he hesitantly answers and the question of ‘Why? Why does he sound like he wants to keep this a secret?’ arises in your head.

“Why is she there?” You question again, nails sinking into the supple skin of your thigh.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Just… curious,” you finish awkwardly. You’re going too far, you’re making him feel uncomfortable. Just stop. “You know what, I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer. I was—”

“She’s in the country because we’re going to attend the same event tomorrow, and knowing that, Reiner invited her to the party,” Eren explains. He sounds calm, though more guarded than nonchalant. You can barely tell the kind of expression he displays on his face from his voice, or maybe you’re just too jittery to think.

“I see… And, uh…” You tarry, too afraid to ask, too anxious to stop. “You’re not gonna be with her?”

“Why should I?”

“I don’t know.” You play with the hem of your shirt. “I just heard she was looking for you.”

When he grows quiet, you realize just how weird you sounded. It’s clear you’re suspecting him of something, but even if he’s disturbed by it, Eren merely sighs. “Okay, what happened?” He questions. “What’s bothering you?”

“I—Nothing’s bothering me.“ You conceal your broken voice with a peal of awkward laughter. “I just—I don’t know, I just saw your MV today. For Hero Heroine. It was—” Good. Congratulations on reaching one million views in such a short time. I’m proud of you. There are so many things you could say, even if you don’t genuinely mean them, but you’re choked on your words. Your tongue refusing to form the syllables. And Eren waits, staying in silence as he tries to figure how you feel. Unable to lie, you finally let your heart do the talking. “You never told me there was an MV for it.”

Eren keeps his tone flat when he says, “Yeah, well, it just premiered this morning.”

“Could’ve told me when you did the shoot.”

“Tell you about what, exactly?” He urges you. “About me and Mikasa and the things we did in the video?” His words strike like a clap of thunder, leaving you cold and frozen on your seat. You stay voiceless, letting the silence answers him instead. “You know this is just business, right?” Eren continues. “I didn’t have anything to do with the plot or the casting. I was just doing my job, and I wasn’t aware that I had to keep you updated with what I do for a living.”

Your jaw drops. He doesn’t sound cold when he says it. He pronounces the words like he’s stating out facts and it’s true. Everything he just said is true, so why does it feel like he’s slicing your wrist open with a knife?

You’re surprised to see your vision going blurry. You know your emotions are going all over the place but you didn’t think it was enough to make tears stinging your eyes. But even if you cry, it’s not because of jealousy. It’s because of how embarrassed you are with yourself for being so possessive over him when he’s not even yours to begin with. You're just so… ashamed.

“You’re right,” you croak out, sounding like your vocal cord is thinning into a string that’s seconds away from breaking. “I’m sorry.” You wish you could turn back time so he wouldn’t see this part of you but it’s too late. Now he knows how petty you are, how disgustingly exasperating you can be when it comes to relationships.

“No, don’t—“ Eren exhales. “Don’t apologize. I’m sorry if I sounded too cold before, I was…” He trails off, keeping you at the edge of your seat. Unfortunately for you, he doesn’t speak his mind out loud, and instead, moving on to another topic. “To be honest, a part of me wanted to tell you about it, even way before I did the shoot. But then, I thought—”

“We’re not exclusive,” you finish the sentence for him and Eren stays mute, neither agreeing nor disapproving of your words. “We’re not dating, so you’re not obliged to say anything. None of this is my business.”

He takes his time, letting you be swallowed by regrets and guilt, before answering with, “That’s right.”

You clasp a hand over your mouth, worried that if you speak another word, it will only make things worse. The clock is ticking, seconds passing by without a word being exchanged. It’s until Eren calls your name that you finally allow yourself to breathe. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… cute that you’re jealous.”

Your heart leaps to your throat. “Wha—I’m—I’m not jealous.”

He softly chuckles, not mockingly, but adoring you. “Kinda sound like you are, though.” His tone is lighter, warmer, and a little bit of joy finds its way back to your heart, knowing how he’s not disgusted by this new side of you. “Hey, I’m not upset,” Eren assures you when it takes you a while to respond. “I was a bit annoyed that you thought I was sleeping with my co-star. You really think I’m that unprofessional at my job?”

“I—“ You wheeze, fingers clutching tightly against the sheets underneath you. “I wasn’t—I didn’t—” You fail, both your head and your heart are not functioning properly at the moment.

“Take your time, baby,” Eren says, and you can tell an impish grin is breaking on his lips. “I’ll wait.”

Now that the tension has been reduced, you can slowly find your voice back. “I’m… Maybe I was a little bit jealous.”

“Now you just got ten times cuter,” he titters. “You know that you don’t have to worry about this if we start dating for real, right?”

The question strikes you down to the bones. “H-how can you say it so casually like that?!”

“What, I’m just saying the truth.”

You’re not sure whether he’s waiting for your reply, as it sounded more like a statement than a question. Unable to even think for an answer, you swerve the flow of the conversation in another direction. “Eren, I’m sorry. This is… I’m being stupid, aren’t I? But this is how I am. This is what I meant when I said I tend to get possessive of my partners. I get unreasonably jealous over little things. I’m so terrible.”

“Hey, listen to me.” The firmness in his tone makes you think that if he was here, he would look at you straight in the eyes, his hands squeezing your shoulders to emphasize his words. “I don’t want to hear you say that ever again about yourself, okay? You’re not terrible, you’re cute. Also, I don’t know about anyone else but to me… It’s kinda hot.”

“What?”

“The part where you’re possessive of me.” You can imagine him smiling to himself from the way he speaks. “It’s as if you’re saying I belong to you and only you. Like you own me and no one else can have me. I think it’s hot.”

You try to ignore the heat that’s creeping into your cheeks. “Eren, your submissive side is showing again.”

“Shut up,” he snorts, suppressing his laughter. “Wait, now that you said it. It kinda feels the same way like that time when you choked me in bed. Huh…” He ponders. “Maybe I do love being dominated.”

“The fact that you can turn this conversation into something sexual is beyond me.”

“I do have that talent, yes.” His chuckles hang in the air. Once he discovers his voice again, he speaks in nothing but solemnity. “Nothing’s going on between me and Mikasa. You know that, right?”

You stiffen. “Eren, you don’t have to explain anything.”

“I just want you to know,” he says, deep and pensive. “There’s nothing between me and her. Nothing happened and nothing will.”

Your nails are sinking into your palm as the tension grows thick once again. “Okay,” is the only word you can vocalize, because what else can you say? “Eren, it’s fine, really.” The more he tries to convince you, the more embarrassed you become. “I was just overreacting.”

“Can you trust me?”

“I do trust you.”

“Then, trust me,” he adamantly says. “Trust me when I say you don’t have to be worried about me dating someone else.”

“Umm…” You blush. Maybe your ears are playing tricks on you because it sounds so much like a love confession. “Okay.”

“Good.” You can sense his smile. “Cause as cute as you sound when you’re jealous—”

“Can you drop it, please?”

“Okay, okay,” he softly chortles.

That beautiful sound of his causes the yearning you have for him to increase, making your heart ache for his presence. “I miss you, Eren,” you hear yourself say before your mind can filter the words. “I miss you so much.”

He inhales sharply, caught off guard. “I…” His voice turns mellow. “I miss you too…”

“Just come back soon, okay?”

“I will,” he promises, the music is too loud for him to catch the longing in your voice. “The second I’m done here, I’m flying my way back to you.”

There’s a call coming in from the other line, and you drag your phone away to check on your screen. It’s from Armin, and the clock is showing that it’s almost an hour before you have to meet him at the mall. He must be calling you to check whether the meeting is still on. “Eren, sorry, I gotta go. I promised to head somewhere with a friend today.”

“Who, Pieck?”

“No, just someone I met recently.”

“You have friends other than Pieck?”

“That’s rude.” You snort, but the amusement is thick in your voice. “Of course, I do. I have tons of friends.”

“Yeah, right.”

“What—I do! But relax, Jaeger, you’re still my number one bestie.”

“We’re turning thirty in five years. Please don’t call me bestie.”

“Whatever, bestie.”

You thought he was going to bid his goodbye, but it seems like he can’t keep his curiosity to himself. “So, this friend of yours. Is it a girl or, like… you know.”

Ah… so this is how I sounded in his ear before. It does light up a little spark of joy within you. Teasing him a little bit, you answer with, “Does it matter?”

“No,” he scoffs. “I don’t care if you’re going out with a boy or a girl.”

“Kinda sound like you do, though.”

“Shut up. Just go already.”

“Alright, geez.” You giggle. It’s not fair that he gets to be this cute when he’s jealous, while you’re turning into an absolute mess every time. “Talk to you soon, Eren.”

“Bye, baby.”

***

“Thanks for driving me home,” you mention right after Armin opens your door, moving to the side to let you step down his car. Every time his lips curve upwards into this angelic smile, yours naturally do the same. The moon is peeking luminously behind thin clouds, now that the rain has stopped. The earthy aroma that follows after the shower hits your nose, catching a whiff of something similar to the natural scent that rubs off of him whenever you get a little bit closer than intended.

Not paying attention to the slippery road, your heels slide against the pavements and you stumble forward. Armin launches his arms to catch you just in time before your body makes contact with the ground.

“Careful,” he says, his hand wrapped securely around your waist as he keeps you steady. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” You hastily retract your hands away from his chest. “Thanks.” In an attempt of maintaining your balance, you unconsciously gripped onto his knitted sweater, your fingers getting a clue of how toned his torso was, despite his baby face and juvenile smiles. But you shouldn’t have been surprised. He may look like the usual college boy you meet in coffee shops, but he’s a model for a reason.

“You never fail to surprise me, huh, Armin?” You beam at him. “I thought you were the clumsiest guy I’ve ever met but you actually have great reflexes.”

“Glad I could impress you,” he titters, releasing his hold on you. “I don’t think I have great reflexes, though. I just happen to be watching you.”

“Well, I’m safe and sound, so you can stop watching me now.”

“Trust me, that’s what I’ve been trying to do all day. Would’ve been easier if you don’t look this pretty all the time.”

Your little teasing grin falters the second you let his words sink in. The thing with Armin is, he doesn’t flirt. With Eren, you can expect these kinds of lines to flow naturally from his mouth. Even before the whole friends-with-benefits thing going on, he already poked fun at you like this all the time, enjoying the way you got all flustered because of him. But Armin—poor, poor Armin can’t even compliment you properly without stuttering. When he saw you walking toward your meeting point at the mall earlier today—Armin was already there half an hour before you—he took a whole damn minute trying to say, “You look beautiful in that dress.” It took him another minute to give you the three different colored roses he bought you. He’s so awkward, panicking ninety-nine percent of the time, but thankfully, whenever you switch the topic to something that’s not related to how you look or the feelings he has for you, he can function like a normal, cheerful boy-next-door who surprisingly knows quite a lot about the ocean and what lies underneath.

So naturally, whenever he accidentally praises you, your heart jumps on its own. It’s different than how you feel when you’re around Eren. Eren keeps your heart running a thousand miles per hour, keeps you standing on your toes, sends goosebumps breaking on your skin with every kiss and every touch. With Armin, it’s the feeling of being adored that gets to you. He’s so innocent, so… pure. Reminding you of the sweet taste of a first kiss.

He reminds you of it, but Eren gave it to you.

You need to stop Armin. You can’t keep his hopes up like this. Not when you're so hung up on a certain boy who’s now singing love songs to a thousand different girls in another continent.

Noticing how you grow pensive, Armin repeats the words he said in his head and he panics. “I mean—” His hands rise until they hover before his face, moving animatedly as he tries to explain. “I wasn’t, like, staring at you all the time—I only stole glances at you once in a while—it’s not—oh God—“

“Armin.”

“I’m sorry—Please don’t be upset—”

“Why would I be upset?” You let out a laugh to assure him, snatching his hand away from covering the bottom half of his face and squeeze it between yours. “Armin, you did nothing wrong.”

“Oh…” He swallows thickly at the sight of your hands covering his larger one. “I thought… You suddenly stopped talking, so…”

“I’m sorry, I was just thinking. But there’s, umm… There’s something I have to say.” You hesitate, trying to find the right words to be as gentle as possible. “Armin, thank you for being so kind to me. I really enjoy the time we spent together. Today was so fun—you are so fun to be around with. So sweet and thoughtful, but I can’t—”

“Oh—wait—” He abruptly retracts his hand, his head bowing low enough to let his bangs draw a veil over his eyes. “I… kinda get what you’re trying to say.” There’s a timid smile on his lips when he faces you again, but even if it manages to reach his eyes, it’s not enough to mask the feeling of his heart breaking. “I know that today isn’t supposed to be a date. You’ve stated several times that we were just going as friends and I understand that. So…” When he drops his hands on his sides, he twines his fingers around the side of his khaki pants. “You don’t have to remind me again that we’re just friends.”

There’s a heavy weight in your chest, the feeling of guilt. Maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to his invitation in the first place. That was very cruel of you to do. “I’m sorry,” you say, your shoulders sagging. “I just didn’t want you to think that this could lead to something more.”

He must hate me now. Today was going so well and I had to end it this way. I’m the worst. You wonder if you should comfort him with a hug as you watch him keep himself reticent. You hate to walk away just like this but Armin doesn’t know what to say, and neither do you.

With your stomach swirling queasily inside, you take a step forward. “Armin—”

“Isn’t it my choice, though?” He interrupts, a little bit louder than how he usually speaks, leaving you stunned on your feet. His fingers are curling into tiny balls of fists, his clear, cerulean eyes determined as they bore deep into yours. “You said yourself that we could start as friends and we’ll see how it goes. As long as you’re not in a relationship—as long as you’re not in love with another man—isn’t it—“ He takes a second to breathe, wets his lips once as his heart throbs painfully inside his ribcages. “Isn’t it okay for me to not give up on my feelings? To want to be as close to you as I can?”

Your face turns a darker shade of crimson. “Armin—”

“I’m not asking you to date me, and I’m certainly not asking you to love me. At least, not right now.” His tone changes. His voice no longer shakes. It’s undaunted and honest as he speaks straight from his heart. “But whether or not I am allowed to want you—to like you more than friends—that’s up to me. I get to choose who I want to love, not you.”

You’re standing still as if the time just stopped. Your mind turns blank, with only his words being repeated until you have them carved strongly into your memory.

“All I’m asking is,” Armin’s tone softens, as much as his gaze does. He places his hand gently on your cheek, fingertips gliding silky smooth against your skin. “For you to let me be myself around you. And if a lovesick fool is what I am, then I hope you can accept that too.” He no longer fumbles with his words but you can feel the quivers that run through his fingers. You can see the redness that paints his cheeks, adding beautiful color to his pale, porcelain-like skin. His sapphire eyes are mesmerizing, as they always are. So tender and beautiful, matching the little smile that breaks upon his lips. But underneath those, there’s fear and uncertainty. “Would it be alright?” He questions, almost in a whisper. “For me to hold on to my feelings?”

Maybe it’s because of the sudden proximity you’re in that you feel everything fades into nothingness, leaving nothing else to exist but for him and his rosy lips that form your name so tenderly like a lullaby. Maybe it’s because you can somehow smell his sweet, natural scent that reminds you of the pine trees after the storm that you’re unable to think about anything else but him. Or maybe it’s just your body reacting to another man touching your skin as if you meant the whole world to him but you can feel your heartrate escalating, forcing the blood to rush to your face and this time, you’re the one who stammers when you speak. “You—yeah, umm… It’s alright, I… guess…”

You expect him to grin, maybe even to lay a kiss on your cheek from how uncharacteristically smooth he’s being, but to your surprise, he switches back to his former self. “Oh, thank God,” Armin says, turning around so he can escape your gaze and buries his face in his hands. He’s both groaning and mumbling to himself, the tips of his ears turning scarlet as if he’d been walking under the snow for hours. “What did I just say to her—oh my God—“ you faintly hear him say and you can’t help but laugh. The version of him you caught a glimpse of before made your heart race, but this one warms it up like a spring replacing a hard, long winter.

Armin turns around to face you with a pout, his bottom lip jutting out like a child. “Please don’t tell me you’re laughing at me. I’m this close at burying myself alive right now.”

“I’m sorry.” You wipe a tear from your eye. “You’re so cute, I can’t help it.”

He blushes harder, and with his pout growing more prominent, he pinches your cheeks, pulling them to the side. “Stop laughing!” But his words do not serve as a threat as he’s starting to chuckle himself, producing the softest of giggle that matches your own.

The tension in the air starts to waver. Once your body no longer shakes from laughter, Armin tosses you the sweetest smile. “Thank you for keeping me company today. I had so much fun.”

“Me too.” You mirror his expression. “Thanks for inviting me. I haven’t had this much fun in a while.”

“I’m glad.” He lays a hand over his heart, probably an attempt to calm his beating heart. “I’m really, really glad to hear that,” he says again, softly in relief, and more to himself than anyone else. An innocent smile is strapped to his lips, causing your heart to jerk violently in your chest.

Because how is this fair? He’s looking at you like you’re his first love. This is the first time you went out with him for the whole day, and yet, here he is, adoring you like he has fallen for you for years. Yes, you have talked several times on the phone with him, sharing stories and funny secrets that you’d usually keep to yourself, but is it really enough for someone as sweet as him to fall for you?

“Why do you like me?” Your curiosity defeats the control you have over your mouth.

Armin gapes, so blown away by the question, he doesn’t look like he’s breathing. “I—w-why do I like you?” He takes a step back, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “What—How do you expect me to answer that question?”

“I expect you to be honest.” You hold his gaze and when he tries to look away, you lay a hand on his cheek, holding him in place. “Be honest with me, Armin, because I really can’t tell. For all I know, I’m just… me. There are a lot of pretty girls out there who would date you in a heartbeat. A lot of nicer ones too, I’m sure. What exactly do you see in me?”

The boy looks like his heart is failing on him, but he covers your hand with his own, keeping it there on his face where you can feel his cheek getting hotter from the way his blood is rushing to his face. “I…” Armin starts, keeping his eyes concealed under his fringe. “I like you because you’re not… like the other girls.” His words paint another color on his cheeks. “It—it sounds cliche, I know, but—but it’s true. I can’t find the right words for now, but you really are different. Or, at least, you treat me differently like how they usually do.”

You let a moment pass before you can form your response. You drop your hand from his face, raising an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Chewing on his lip, he peers into your eyes as if he’s trying to find the answers to that question in them. Exhaling heavily, he walks to your side and leans his back against the side of his car. “I’ve never asked someone on a date before. I told you that, didn’t I?” He tucks his hands inside the pocket of his jeans so you won’t notice his jitters. “I braved myself to ask you out because I really couldn’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t think I would be brave enough to do it, but I realized that if I didn’t try, at least once, to get your attention, then I would regret it for the rest of my life. That’s why I chased after you, and I’m glad that I took my chances because it led me here. To this moment.”

You weren’t expecting for the conversation to veer this way, so you play deaf, though the rest of your body betrays you.

“A-anyway, I digress.” Armin forces a chortle to break free, and it’s so strained, he, himself, almost winces at the sound. “I’ve been in a relationship before with this girl I loved back in college. She knew I had feelings for her. I couldn’t even strike a conversation, but she noticed. Probably because I kept watching her like a creep.”

“You’re not a creep, Armin.”

“No, I probably was…” He rubs his nose, slightly shivering from the cold night wind. “So, one day, she asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with her and I agreed, wholeheartedly. We got to talking—well, I listened to what she said—I couldn’t talk much because, you know, I got so nervous. But she enjoyed my company—not sure why, but she did—and two hours later, she kissed me and we started dating.”

“That was pretty smooth,” you comment with a grin, leaning against the car like he is.

“Believe me, it wasn’t.” Noticing how you tremble slightly from the cold, he takes off his beanie, mumbling out a quick, “Excuse me,” before he places it on your head. “I’m sorry,” he utters with his voice turning velvety, as he tucks a few strands behind your ear. “I would’ve taken my sweater for you but I’m not wearing anything underneath.”

You blush at the thought. “No,” you clear your throat, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. “This is fine. Thank you.”

“Do you want to go inside?”

“You mean, to my apartment? With you?”

He’s the one who’s blushing this time, and he’s blushing harder than he ever did before. “N-no, I didn’t mean it like that! I’ll head home if you feel like you want to get warm inside—”

“And miss hearing the story of your grandiose first love?” You playfully elbow him on his side. “Just carry on, Armin. There’s a cafe over there if you want to get some coffee, though. It’s only five minutes walk.”

His eyes light up. “Yes, please, I’d love you.”

“What?”

“TO!” He shouts, almost passing out in horror. “I would love to have some coffee—Jesus Christ, why do I keep doing this—“

Laughing at him, you tug him forward by his sleeve and lead the way.

***

“So, how long did you two get together?” You sink into the couch that’s located in the corner of the coffee shop, settling yourself down right next to him, and bask in the delightful smell of coffee and cinnamon. You’re sitting close enough to see the colors on his face but not enough to let your shoulders brush against one another.

“Not long,” he answers, wincing after he took a sip of his coffee. Unlike Eren who always insists that “It’s not coffee if it’s not bitter,” Armin is the exact opposite. He thanks you when you slide him your sugar sticks, pouring everything inside at once. “Probably three months? Four?” He stirs his spoon, taking another sip, and sighs in content once it suits his tongue.

“We should’ve gone to a boba tea shop,” you joke and he, surprisingly, responds by sticking his tongue out at you like a child. It fits him, making him look even younger than he already does. “Why did you break up with her?”

“I didn’t.” He places his cup back to the wooden table, leaning forward with his hands propped on his thighs. “She, uh… She broke up with me.”

“I’m sorry…” You tarry, feeling a bit awkward. “Can I ask why?”

“Because I’m boring, I guess?” He disguises his feelings with a chuckle. “Because our interests didn’t align with each other. She was not a fan of literature. And well, I always got too fired up about the things I like, especially about the novel I’m planning to write and she just didn’t want to hear me talk about it anymore. She also told me that she felt embarrassed when she brought me over to parties. I didn’t really know how to talk to people—I mean, I still don't.” He keeps his tone light, his smile never falters as he retells the story but you can tell how terrible he feels about this from the way he fiddles with his fingers. “You know how I am. I keep fumbling with my words, keep tripping over my feet. I can barely look people in the eyes. I can stay calm in front of the cameras but… I don’t know, some people are just too intimidating to look at, I guess.”

And it irks you that he has such low self-esteem when he’s one of the most pleasant people you’ve ever met in your life. He’s not as confident or as charismatic as Eren, true, but he has his own traits that make him endearing. He has his own charm and you feel more captivated by him the more hour you spend together.

“So one day,” he continues, “She sent me a text, telling me that she wanted to break up with me. I tried to call but she didn’t pick up. When we passed each other in the hallway the next morning, I wanted to tell her that I’d love for us to stay friends, but she avoided me, so…”

God, this is vexing, you think, settling your cup down with your eyebrows deeply furrowed. “Armin, I’m sorry,” you say, and he turns his head toward you, bewildered by how unsettled you sound. “I don’t know her and I know I shouldn’t judge, but I can firmly say, with every fiber of my being, that she doesn’t deserve you. At all. She is mean, she is selfish, she doesn’t know the first thing about you—"

“W-wait—“ He holds up a hand, eyebrows adjoined in the middle as he grimaces. “Why are you getting angry—“

“Because you seem fine with it and it pisses me off!” You toss your hands in the air exasperatedly. “Armin, don’t ever talk yourself down, okay? I don’t want to hear that coming from you—ever. You are adorable, you hear me? You’re not embarrassing, and you’re definitely not boring. I honestly think you’re the smartest guy I’ve ever met! You’re charming, you’re kind, you give compliments to people without expecting to receive one. You’re so genuine, and I adore that about you. She doesn’t deserve you, seriously.”

“Umm… Thank you.” He’s quite baffled, unsure of how to react. “She broke up with me years ago, though, so you don’t have to be angry about it anymore.”

“Yeah, well, I just heard this story now so I’m livid,” you grumble, reaching out to grab your coffee. “How dare she said those things to you. Did she not see how charming you are?”

“Do you?” He asks with hopeful eyes, shyly peeking at you from underneath his bangs. “Do you, umm, find me to be charming?”

“Don’t make me shout at you too, Armin. Of course, I do.”

“But not as charming as Eren.”

You freeze, one hand holding your cup in the air. The anchor that was once tugging on your heart returns, but before you can find your reply, Armin laughs it off. “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that. I was just, uh—“ He fixes his collar, keeping his hand busy. “I was just joking.”

He didn’t sound like he was, and he certainly doesn’t look like it now. “I’m sorry…”

“No, please, don’t be.”

The sound of people chattering in the background is the only one that fills the gap between you. It’s awkward enough that you feel like you want to stand up and excuse yourself to the bathroom, just so you can get a chance to breathe. Fortunately for you, Armin breaks the silence.

“This is also the reason why I like you,” he sheepishly adds. “You’re so blunt. So straightforward. You always say the first thing that comes to your mind and it puts me at ease because I know you’ll tell me straight to my face if I ever make you feel uncomfortable. I know you’d rather talk it out with me, instead of bottling everything inside and turn yourself into a ticking bomb that blows up until there’s nothing left for us to hold on to.”

“That’s…” You shift in your seat, turning around slightly so you don’t have to be standing under his gaze. “You’re giving me too much credit.”

“Maybe.” Armin presses his spine against the couch, stirring his coffee. “But you’ve always been that way with me from the start. You could’ve lied when I asked you about your feelings for Eren. And if you already know that he likes you too, you could’ve used me to make him jealous. Maybe that way, he’ll step up and confess to you and you two can finally be together.”

You stiffen, swallowing your breath. “That thought actually did cross my mind.”

“But you didn’t do it.” Armin tilts his head to the side, his eyes raking over your side profile. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have reminded me several times that we were just gonna be friends.”

“But you don’t want to.”

“No, I don’t want to,” he confirms one more time. You bring your head low, hoping that your hair will cover your blazing cheeks. “Having feelings for you makes me happy. I feel like I’m more alive whenever I think about you. I feel so many different emotions at once—too overwhelming, sometimes, yes, but I like it.”

Your ears are buzzing. “That’s… an unusual way to say it.”

“Oh my God, I just said something really weird, didn’t I? Oh no—” He returns to his usual self and you quickly darts out one hand, pinch him lightly on the bridge of his nose before he works himself into a state of frenzy and causing a scene.

“Anything else you want to add, Mr. Arlert?” You cross your legs, playfully fixing your nonexistent glasses as you chaff him. “Or me being shameless about my feelings is the only reason why you’re attracted to me?”

“Of course not!” He nearly stands up from his seat, startling you. “There are still a million reasons why I like you—”

“Okay, calm down now.” You raise both hands in the air. “I was just teasing you.”

“You’re beautiful!” He’s not stopping, blurting everything in one breath. “You have the most breathtaking smile I’ve ever seen—pretty eyes too! I love it when the light shines on them and they—”

“A-Armin—wait—”

“And I love the little moles you have—I think they’re really cute—”

You’re covering your hands with both hands. “Jesus—“

“And it makes me happy because you’re okay with who I am!” Armin confesses, taking one of your hands in his, breathless as he speaks. “You accept me for who I am. You’re probably just joking around when you tell me I’m endearing but it really does make me happy.” He’s brave enough to meet your eyes for more than a few seconds now. It’s you, this time, who feels overwhelmed being under his stare so you bring your eyes down to your lap instead. “And I find you ten times more attractive the closer I get to you,” Armin continues, slowly releasing your hand. “You’re witty. You have a great sense of humor. We have the same hobby, we love the same books, we view things similarly. I feel like I can talk to you for hours and never going to run out of topics. How do you expect me to not fall for you?”

It’s bad… His words are doing things to your heart that you didn’t know you’d get to feel. His voice is the exact opposite of Eren’s. His is smooth and light, almost a bit feminine, even, but it managed to wake up the butterflies inside your stomach just as much. You can feel your cheek blazing hot, and even though you still feel uneasy—guilty, even—for having this kind of reaction for someone other than Eren, you don’t know how to keep your heart from thrashing wildly inside.

Armin is just as flushed, but instead of spouting words, he tucks his lip between his teeth and sinks his fingernails into his palms, waiting for you to be the one who breaks the silence this time.

You take a deep breath, hoping your voice won’t tremble. “I wasn’t joking,” you utter, gaining his attention until he spins back his head to perceive you. “I really do find you to be endearing.”

“Oh…” He drags his eyes to his lap again. “T-thank you.”

You hate the tension that stretches between you. Desperate of returning everything to normal, you make a joke. “So, my moles, huh? Never thought I’d hear someone saying that to me but okay.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, and in the next split second, his eyes widen in horror. “Wait, no, don’t take it the wrong way, please!”

“What do you mean? You’re saying you don’t like my moles?”

“No, I do! They’re pretty—you’re so, so pretty—you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever had conversations with but please know that it’s not your face—o-or your moles—that made me fall for you.” You narrow your eyes, pretending to be sending him a glare and he nearly stands up from his seat, panicking. “No, please, don’t get me wrong! Your face does things to my head—you don’t know how much I think about you in the shower—”

“Oh, God—”

“NO, I MEAN—” Color drained from his face, his cup rattles when he accidentally bumps his knees against the table. “I do a lot of thinking when I’m in the shower—like about, politics and stuff—not the dirty ones, I swear!”

And you let him ramble on and on, smiling to yourself as you listen. You’re being mean to him but it’s easier on your heart. “So you’re saying you never had any dirty thoughts about me? What, am I not sexy enough for you, Arlert?”

He nearly weeps.

***

“So, uhh…” Armin dallies as you return his beanie to his hand. You have walked back to your previous spot, standing on the pavement with his car parked nearby on the side of the road. “Can I text you later tonight?”

“As long as it’s not two AM when you’re feeling lonely,” you tease him with the same joke. “Sure.”

“I’ll try not to,” he titters. “Well… Good night.”

“Good night, Armin.” You can tell he wants to bid his farewell with a hug, but his fingers are already trembling before he can even finish the thought that he has to hide his hands behind his back. Doing him a favor, you step closer and present him with something better.

You land a hand on his shoulder, tiptoeing to match his height, and kiss him on the cheek. Flustered, he backs away, pressing his palm against the spot that feels scorching hot from your kiss. “I—you—umm—” He’s lost for words, and you simply grin in return, walking past him.

He stands immobile, only turning around to face you when you call his name before you walk through the entrance door. “You know,” you say, tucking your hands inside the pockets of your coat. “Any girl would be lucky to have you, Armin. You’re the sweetest boy I’ve ever met.”

He gapes, his jaw hanging low on his face. Tossing another cheeky smile, you turn around and walk inside your building.

“Can you be that girl?!” You hear him shout and you laugh to yourself.

“Not when you keep thinking about me in the shower, Armin.”

***

There’s one thing Armin gave to you that Eren never did and it’s the motivation to pursue your dream. Eren knew how much you liked pouring your dreams, hopes, and fantasies into words—he knew that ever since he met you in junior high. But it’s a sensitive topic, one that he was too afraid to bring back to the surface, knowing that the last time the two of you conversed about your story was when you made him a promise that you would create one for him, and in exchange, he would write a song for you. But he left before he got to sing, and he disappeared before you could show him how much you adored your protagonist—one that was based on him.

The story is still there, hidden in the top drawer of your bedroom, secluded in a box so your parents wouldn’t throw it away by mistake. If you had the bravery, you would’ve shown it to him. Would’ve let him know how the hero in the story had his smile, had his eyes, had both his courage and his insecurities. Would’ve told him how the heroine loved her hero, despite all of his flaws and the sins he committed. How she believed in him, even when he didn’t believe in himself. How she loved him for who he was, way before anyone else could see just how brilliantly he could shine. But you couldn’t tell him. Not right now. And Eren never talked about it too. Maybe he had forgotten, just like the song he promised to write for you once. Because as far as you knew, he never sang it to you.

You could talk to Eren about everything, from trivial matters to your darkest secrets, but this? This you can’t talk about. But with Armin, he suddenly makes it so easy. It all started with a simple question of, “Why do you want to be a writer?” You were making small talk, didn’t plan to have him tugging on your heartstrings, and made you feel something you had forgotten you once felt.

“Stories… They’re kind of peculiar, aren’t they?” Armin revealed his answer as he smiled softly to himself. “They could make you feel alive, make you feel something you’ve never experienced just by words. I like to believe that stories have the power to bring people together, no matter what race they are, what religion they believe in, what they have gone through. As long as they could relate to these stories, they could relate to everyone else. Virginia Woolf’s Night and Day was the one who brought you to me. She created the story that inspired us, and I’d like to believe that maybe from there, we could create our own and so, we could inspire other people—to make them feel alive with our stories. And I want this. I want to influence people. I want to connect. I want to relate. I want my existence to mean something.”

Armin spoke like he was in trance, but even if his voice was more delicate than a mother’s lullaby, you could feel the passion he had to reach his dream. So his answer became yours.

Seeing how zealous he is when it comes to writing, lights up the same fire within you. The old spark that used to zap through your body whenever you had your pen on paper has returned at once, and it’s stronger than ever. He motivates you to write again, to work on the chapters you have left abandoned for years. Your protagonist still has dark hair and viridian eyes, but he’s not shackled down by a promise. You’re starting a new page, a new story, and this time, you hope, if you manage to finish it, you’ll be able to present it to him. Just like the songs he sang to you, you want Eren to read your story and make him wonder if it’s about him. If he’s the hero in the story, and you’re his heroine.

Armin’s schedule is nowhere as hectic as Eren’s, which gives you a lot of chances to do impromptu meetings whenever you have time to spare. In a matter of two weeks, you’ve grown closer to him than you’ve ever been with Porco. You share your dreams with him, the goals you want to achieve, and Armin listens intently to everything, supports you without being asked, and you hope you’re doing the same thing for him.

You’ve grown so comfortable around him that you could call him at midnight, saying, “Okay, I can’t sleep and I have this great idea I want to write.” Armin would chuckle at first, timid and slightly awkward as expected, but he’d always respond with, “Me too. Meet you at the usual cafe in thirty? I’ll bring my MacBook.” His house is only twenty-five minutes drive away from your apartment building, and he would wait for you at the lobby before you marched over to him in your oversized hoodie and sweatpants, mischief swirling in your eyes. You’d then walk together to the nearest cafe, grateful that it was open 24 hours without a break. Not more than a week later, both of you have completed the first chapter of your novels.

“Okay, we’ll do it at the same time. Ready?” Sitting before you in the corner of your favorite coffee shop, Armin takes a deep breath and gives you a nod. He seems nervous, which is nothing new when it comes to him, but right now, with his manuscript in his hands, he’s stiffly perched at the edge of his seat. His teeth nearly cutting his lip from how hard he’s chewing on it. “On three,” you confirm. “One, two, three!”

On your count, you both slide your manuscripts down the table at the same time—yours to Armin, and Armin’s to you. Just like him, your heart is racing fast, enough to make you hear your heartbeat in your ears. “This is the first time I’m showing my novel to anyone,” you tell him, voice sounding a little bit squeaky than intended. You hold his manuscript close to your chest, not reading the first page just yet. “So… Please be gentle with me.”

“Me—“ Armin is even worse. His voice actually breaks, and with ears turning red, he hastily clears his throat. “Me too. I’ve never shown my work to anyone before. And I—I will—“ His next words almost come in whispers. “I will be gentle with you…”

You wait with your lips pressed until they turn white, afraid that your laughter will break free if you don’t keep them shut tightly enough. You both know how weird that line just sounded, and you can tell by his face turning redder by the second. “Sex innuendo?” You blatantly ask him and he chokes. Just like that, the tension breaks and you both can breathe a little easier. “Okay, before you start passing out on me or something,” you tease him, “Let’s read. Don’t comment anything until we’re both finished with it.”

“Y-yeah, okay.” Armin fills his lungs with as much air as he can, a method he tries often to keep himself calm when he’s around you. With your nod, he begins to read the first page of your historical romance story, while you scan your eyes carefully through every word of his detective fiction novel.

You both fall into silence, immersed in each other’s writings and the universe you created. The sound of a group of females chatting in the other corner of the room, and a mixtape of acoustic songs playing through the speakers are the only voices that ring through your ears but you pay them no mind. You’re not sure how many minutes have passed by as you go from one page to another.

With every passage you read, you’re sinking further and further into the world that he built. Armin’s writing skills are immaculate, intricately descriptive, whilst leaving more room for the audience to let their imagination wander. The way his metaphors flow seamlessly in every scene leaves you jealous, wanting nothing more than to have a portion of his skill. The atmosphere of the story is much more mature and sensual than you would’ve expected coming from his hands, but it works perfectly, giving you a glimpse of another persona that lives inside him. Armin, himself, is a mystery you want to unravel.

His passion for writing really shows with each word he puts down on paper. It’s so easy to be captivated by the conundrum that revolves around his protagonist, and you become addicted to reading more and more to satisfy your curiosity. When there are no longer pages to read, you’re left unsatisfied in your seat, gasping a quiet, “Oh no,” before you return to the first page and read it all over again.

You’ve read his chapter twice when Armin is finally finished with yours. It’s quite strange as you know he’s not a slow reader. You and Armin have been exchanging books in the last few weeks, and he managed to finish the top four novels from your list—ones that he hasn’t read, anyway, because you have similar taste when it comes to literature—while you only got to finish one from his. He’s very attentive to details too, knowing every bit of hidden meanings, every hidden message that the authors tried to convey, only by reading them once and in such a short time. He continues to impress you, leaving you wanting to hear more of the stories—the same stories that you’ve read three times, at least—through his eyes.

So now, seeing how he takes a much longer time than necessary to read your chapter, you can feel your heart slamming against your ribcages as you wait. Armin closes your manuscript, settling it down on the table while keeping his face pensive. You both exchange stares, witnessing the anxiety you have in each other’s eyes. At the same time, you both open your mouth and shout, “It was so good!”

“I’m sorry, you go first,” you hastily say.

“N-no, please,” Armin insists, “After you.”

“Okay.” You wanted to be professional about it, to give him a thorough review like how you would write in your article, but the second you recite your opinion, you’re turning into a fanatic. Your vocabulary suddenly becomes limited, only able to repeat the same words—unpredictable, addicting, clever—over and over again like a broken record. You get so excited, your hands moving without rest that at one point, you almost accidentally knock your latte with your fist. Every compliment he hears paint a shade of crimson on his cheeks. By the end you’re finished with your praise, he has his arms folded on the table and his face buried between them.

“T-thank you,” he murmurs, too embarrassed to meet you in the eyes. Once he’s calm enough to speak, however, there’s seriousness in his voice. “Do you… want to hear your review?”

You’re so anxious, you won’t be surprised if you start breaking into a cold sweat. “Yes, please.”

Unlike you, Armin provides his opinions like how he would toward a professional writer. “I love the idea of metafiction, it always intrigues me. You’re very brave for using this kind of story-telling for your first book, as it’s not easy,” he says, uncharacteristically solemn. “I know this is only the first chapter, so I won’t say much. I enjoy the characters you presented. You’ve only introduced them, but I find them to be engaging. Especially, the heroine. She’s very beautifully written. Your narratives, need to be polished, however. I feel like it’s a little bit too similar to how Ian McEwan would write in his books. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, your writing is perfect. But you need to find your identity, your own style. When I read your columns, I could feel it. I could easily distinguish your articles from the others just by reading the first passage. You have something in you that makes your works stand out from the rest—makes them different. But I don’t feel that in here,” Armin says, tapping his index finger on your manuscript. “Beautiful story, immaculate storytelling, but if it doesn’t feel like it’s you who wrote it, would you be satisfied with it?”

You’re dumbstruck, lips parted but your tongue feels too heavy to move. That… is true, you think to yourself, recalling the times when you struggled to type the words down. You wanted to write in the same way you’d write your article, in the same style that you’re familiar with—one that you invented with years of practice. But when you read it again, you felt insecure. It felt like you were lacking—missing something important. The metaphors you used didn’t sound beautiful. The imagination you poured into words seemed so limited. You couldn’t stop comparing your work to others, and instead of finding your own style, you imitated theirs instead.

And Armin—a guy who only knew you for a few weeks—noticed that. “I’m…” You lick your lips, loss for words. “That’s—”

“Oh my God, I was being too harsh, wasn’t I?” Armin cuts you off, his arms flailing as he panics. “I’m—I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk—what do I even know about writing—I haven’t even finished my work yet—“

“Armin—”

“—and to think I had the nerve to criticize other people about it—I’m such a horrible person—“

“Armin!” You don’t know what else to do but shout as his voice starts rising louder and louder, gathering people’s attention.

He stops, frozen on his seat, breathless. “Please forgive me,” he says, much quieter and much more afraid this time. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m not hurt, Armin. Stop being so dramatic.” You emphasize your words with a laugh, and that’s the truth. You’re far from hurt. Maybe even happy, to have someone who understands your writing better than you do. You feel grateful toward him. “Jesus, you’re one of a kind, aren’t you? It’s like you have two different people living inside you.”

“I’m—I’m sorry.” He bows his head again.

“Stop apologizing.”

“I’m sor—“ He catches himself. “Okay.”

“Good.” You gather both of your manuscripts in your arms, slinging your handbag in one shoulder. “Now, get off your butt and follow me.”

“Huh?” But as he sees you leave, he doesn’t have any other choice but to follow. “Where are we going?”

“To get some burgers,” you say, casting a smile at him. “I’ll treat you.”

“No, please, I can pay for myself—”

You poke him on his chest, stopping him. “I want to thank you, silly.”

He frowns, rubbing the spot. “You’re not… mad at me?”

You stop at your tracks once you’ve stepped out of the coffee shop, turning around to face him. “Can you stop being so adorable for one second?” You tell him and he blushes, gluing his eyes to his feet. “Of course I’m not mad at you, Armin. I’m grateful. Thank you for the review. I feel more motivated to work on my novel, now that I have someone out there who’s waiting for the real me.” You send him a cheeky grin, feeling the heat rising to your cheeks. Armin returns your smile, brighter than the sun, softer than the cold wind of spring. It tweaks on your heart, your stomach flipping in delight. Hastily, you pivot on your heels and walk toward your next destination.

“Hey.” Armin matches your steps. “Can I take your manuscript with me?”

“Sure. Why?”

“No reason. Just want to have the first copy of the next New York Times’ number one bestselling romance novel sitting on my shelf.”

“Shut up.” You bump your shoulder against his and Armin’s warm, tiny laughter complete yours as they mingle in the air. “Speaking of that, you know what book should’ve been an all-time bestseller? Number The Stars by Stephen Reeve.”

Armin nearly trips over his feet after he heard your sentence, his body lurching forward until he maintains his balance by taking a hold of your wrist.

“Seriously?” You poke fun at him. “Again, Armin?”

He lightly laughs, grimacing as he does so. He steadies himself, keeping up with your pace. “I didn’t realize you were a fan of that author.”

“A fan? I literally would sell one of my kidneys to have him sign my books. It irks me so much that he’s so underrated. Everything he wrote kept me at the edge of my seat. His Devil in Winter series? Best four books I’ve ever read in my life, hands down. Seriously, what a talent. You’ve never heard of him?”

“Umm… No.” Armin fixes his collar, looking away. Noticing you raising your eyebrow at his quirk, he points his finger forward. “Oh, look! An ice-cream van! Come, I’ll treat you one!”

“Hey, I’m supposed to be the one who—“ But Armin already snatches your hand away, tugging you forward until you nearly tripped like he did before. He catches you by the waist, scrunching his nose cutely at you as he holds you close. “Seriously?” He imitates you with rosy cheeks. “Again?”

“Oh, you’re dead, Arlert.”

***

“You should go to a hospital,” Pieck says, tying her hair up in a ponytail as she walks next to you with her heels clicking against the pavement. You’re on your way to the nearest shopping mall, choosing to walk on foot as it’s not too far away from your meeting point. “You look like you’re dying.”

The two of you are spending the weekend together, which is something you haven’t done in months probably, due to your… busy schedule with Eren. Now that he’s performing in a different continent, and Armin is busy working for the charity program his father has planned for the season, you can finally enjoy some girl time with your only female friend, Pieck Finger.

“I do?” You weakly ask, feeling a little lightheaded from lacking sleep. Not sure why, but you haven’t been able to sleep properly. Eren has been calling you less and less, and every time he did manage to call, it never went more than fifteen minutes. He always sounded so exhausted—physically. Whenever he FaceTimed you, he would always force himself to smile, asking how your day went, and paid as much attention as he could to your story, even though you could see how he could barely keep his eyes open as he did so. You didn’t have the heart to keep him awake so you ended up ending the call, bidding him farewell while showcasing a sympathetic smile. And if you texted him afterward, he would reply on the next morning, replying with the same line: “Sorry. I fell asleep last night. Talk to you later?”

You feel so… lonely.

Perhaps, you’ve been feeling that from the first day Eren walked out through your door, but his late-night calls always managed to compensate. And, of course, Armin was always there to keep you accompany too. Now that they’re both gone, busy minding their own businesses, you feel like you’re trapped inside a hole—one that’s even darker and more suffocating than before.

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” Pieck says, “Your eye bags are showing, your pores are getting bigger and your lips are chapped. He’s been gone for like, what, three months?”

“Five weeks.”

“Five weeks!” She throws her hands in the air, shaking her head in disbelief. “It’s only been five weeks and you look like a walking corpse. Did you really miss him that bad?”

You’re ashamed to admit it so you tell her, “No,” but deep down, you know it’s true. Not once in your life have you ever missed someone this much, and if that makes you sound pathetic, then so be it. Besides, you were so excited to celebrate your birthday with him, wondering if he would give you a special present that only he could give. Now that he’s confirmed he won’t be back anytime soon, you have to throw those hopes out of the window.

“You’re not still worried about him sleeping with another girl, are you?” Pieck asks.

You could’ve lied about it, but you can’t find the strength to do it. “Well…”

“Honey, let me slap you back to reality, okay? He’s in love with you. He never stated it out loud, true, but everyone—literally, everyone—could see he’s in love with you. Hell, you could tell him to convert himself into a good Christian, and he’d drag his ass right that second to the nearest church and say, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned—”

“Okay, but—”

“Hush, I’m not finished!” She smacks a finger to your lips. “Yes, he does have some crazy, obsessed fangirls who, for some reason, find it to be appropriate to throw their bras and panties to the stage whenever he performs. And yes, at this point, Eren could choke them with his dick, stuck a dildo in their ass, and throw them away once he’s done with them, and they’d still say yes, thank you, daddy, I love you—”

“Pieck—”

“But he’s not gonna do that because he’s in love with you!” She whines, shaking you by the shoulders. “Now, if you’re gonna keep moping about this, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to drag your cute butt to therapy because I can’t deal with you being like this. I want my best friend back!”

You take a moment before answering, afraid that she’d slap a hand over your mouth for interrupting. “Umm… Are you done?”

“Yeah.” She exhales, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Jesus, look what you’ve done to me. I got worked up over nothing.”

“So… We’re best friends?”

“Oh my God, after all the things I said—”

“I’m kidding.” With a cheeky grin, you tackle her with a hug, hard enough to make her yelp. “Thank you, Pieck. You always know how to cheer me up, even if your method is a little bit… extreme.”

Pieck always has a soft spot for you, though she never would admit it out loud. “I’m unique, that’s what I am,” she mutters, patting your back twice. “Oh, you know what we should do?” Pieck suggests when you loosen your embrace, landing both hands on your shoulder. “Let’s go buy some lingerie.”

Her suggestion may be out of the blue but at this point, you can’t really be surprised at her antics. “I have enough bras and panties in my closet, thanks.”

“No, you’re not getting it.” Her smile turns impish, borderline filthy. “We’re gonna buy the skimpiest lingerie ever existed and you’re gonna wear it on the day he comes back home.”

“What?!” You choke, face aflame. “That’s—why would I do that?!”

“Because that would make him happy. Don’t you want to make him happy?”

Of course, you do, but you never thought you’d make him happy in that way. “I—” You look away, awkward and abashed that you’re having this conversation in public. “I’ve never bought any of those before.”

“Well,” Pieck raises her chin, smug and proud. “That’s why I’m here, right, sister?”

***

Today is your birthday. The sound of your alarm ringing indicates that it’s seven-thirty in the morning. Out of habit, you slide your hand underneath your pillow, already searching for your phone even before you can properly open your lids. With bleary eyes, you check through your messages. You have family members and several friends congratulating you on your birthday, more than you would expect it to be. Rubbing your eyes away from sleep, you quickly scan through the messages.

Happy birthday, bestie 🎊 🎉🎂 - Pieck, 01.11 AM

May you always be surrounded with life’s biggest joys and never-ending bliss. And if your biggest joy is in the form of Eren’s humongous cock, then I wish you’ll be shrouded with that too for the rest of your life. - Pieck, 01.12 AM

Sorry, baby, I wanted to text you an hour ago but Pokko was wrecking my ass 🤪 - Pieck, 01.12 AM

BEST. SEX. EVEEEEEEERRR 💦💦💦 - Pieck, 01.13 AM

Don’t forget we’re having a party for you at my place tomorrow. Your building sucks btw. I would’ve thrown you a surprise party if your landlord doesn’t act like a fucking bitch every time. Who the fuck doesn’t allow partying? It’s your apartment. - Pieck, 01.14 AM

Anyway, love ya! - Pieck, 01.14 AM

Oh! Don’t forget to bring that cute guy with you. Pokko’s afraid that he’ll be the only guy at the party. - Pieck, 01.14 AM

Blinking sleepily while holding back a yawn, you run your thumbs across the screen. Thanks, Pieck, you type, you really don’t have to throw a party for me but I’m very happy that you do. Armin and I will be there.

Happy birthday, grandma. You’re one year closer to your death. Good luck. - Porco, 01.20 AM

You snort, promptly writing down a reply: Thanks, Pokko. You do know that when I die, I’m gonna haunt you for the rest of your life, right? Good luck.

Happy birthday, honey. I’m sorry, your father and I couldn’t visit you today. Someone needs to look after your grandma. We hope you have a wonderful birthday, and that the year ahead is full of many blessings. We love you. Please come home when you have time. - Mom, 07.29 AM

Oh, and bring Eren with you when you do. - Mom, 07.30 AM

How is he, by the way? Is he still single? - Mom, 07.30 AM

I saw him on TV the other day. He was so handsome that I had to hold your father’s hand to remind me that I have a husband. Hahaha. - Mom, 07.31 AM

You’re twenty-six now, darling. Don’t you think it’s about time for Eren to take your hand in marriage? - Mom, 07.32 AM

“Jesus,” you mutter, not spending another second reading more of her lectures.

Hi. This is Moblit Berner from the Human Resource Department. I’m aware we’ve never really talked before but I want to wish you a happy birthday. Please stay safe, and don’t forget to wash your hands regularly. I heard they just discovered a new virus in China. - Unknown Number, 08.02 AM

The last message pulls a laughter out of you but before you can reply, your thumb already hovers to another unread chat under the name of Armin Arlert. Unlike the others, he has a train of messages that started right at 00.00 until a little bit past one in the morning. You must have put your phone in silent mode, as you didn’t hear these messages coming on—or maybe you were just too tired to notice, sleeping like a log after spending hours working on the next chapter of your novel.

Hey, this is Armin. - 00.00 AM

But you already know that, of course. - 00.00 AM

You maybe can't tell, but even through texts, I'm sweating as I type this. But I digress. - 00.00 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! - 00.01 AM

I’m sorry for writing that in capslocks. - 00.01 AM

I’m not sure how to express my emotions through texts. - 00.01 AM

Just please know that I am very, very excited for you right now. - 00.02 AM

NOT in a weird way! - 00.02 AM

God, I’m sorry. I’m so bad at this. - 00.03 AM

I wish you a vivacious day of love, laughter, and joy. - 00.11 AM

May all of - 00.11 AM

Oops, sorry, I hit enter too quickly before. - 00.11 AM

May all of your birthday wishes come true. - 00.12 AM

I hope that you continue to change the lives of others with your positivity, love, and beautiful spirit. - 00.13 AM

Did I sound too cliche? - 00.21 AM

I did, didn’t I? - 00.23 AM

I sounded like one of those greeting cards, I’m so sorry. - 00.24 AM

Do you happen to know how to unsent messages? - 00.27 AM

Nevermind. I looked it up and it says that this app doesn’t support that kind of feature. - 00.30 AM

I’m sorry. - 00.31 AM

You know what? I’m just going to be honest. - 00.43 AM

I need to get this out of my chest and I think this is the perfect time to say it. - 00.43 AM

I am very grateful to have known you in my life. - 00.43 AM

I am very proud of you. - 00.43 AM

You inspire me. - 00.43 AM

You make me laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed in my life. - 00.44 AM

You’re so funny. - 00.44 AM

You’re cute. - 00.44 AM

I love the way you smile. The little crinkles in your eyes. I love them. - 00.45 AM

I love the way you say my name. You make it sound beautiful. - 00.48 AM

I wish I could hear you say my name right now. - 00.48 AM

I wish I could hear you call my name every day. - 00.49 AM

I wish I could see you every day. - 00.49 AM

You’re amazing, honestly. - 00.51 AM

So amazing. - 00.51 AM

I wish I could spend my days with you all the time because that’s how happy I am when I’m with you. - 00.52 AM

And you’re beautiful. Inside out, you’re beautiful. - 00.52 AM

And I love you for that. - 00.52 AM

WAIT THIS IS NOT A CONFESSION - 00.53 AM

I LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND - 00.53 AM

WELL NO I LIKE YOU MORE THAN A FRIEND BUT I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY IT LIKE THAT - 00.53 AM

I’M SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY - 00.53 AM

Oh no - 00.54 AM

Now it sounds like I’m screaming at you, aren’t I? - 00.54 AM

Wait I’ll use emoji! - 00.54 AM

😱😱😱😱😱 - 01.11 AM

🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️🙇‍♂️ - 01.12 AM

🙋‍♂️💦 - 01.12 AM

Am I using these right? I’ve never used emojis before. - 01.12 AM

Oh Lord, I’m so sorry. - 01.12 AM

Please call me when you see these messages, I have things I’d like to explain. - 01.27 AM

I’m sorry. - 01.42 AM

“Oh my God, Armin.” It is almost unbelievable, the amount of joy and warmth that emerge in your chest, just from reading his messages. You can vividly imagine every expression he has as he wrote this—his face contorting in glee, his eyes widening in horror at the end and the shivers in his fingers as he typed this out. The fact that he stayed up late, texted you right when the clock struck twelve, and continued to send messages for over an hour, baffled you. How is it possible for a single soul to bring you so much happiness?

And you would’ve called him if your mind wasn’t shouting at you to check the rest of your messages, in the hope to find something from the person you want to hear the most.

Eren.

You go through your messages, checking every social media account you have, and trace back your call logs. There are no messages, and not a single missed call coming from him. The last call you made was when you spoke to him twenty-eight hours ago, and it only lasted for eight minutes before Levi interrupted the call and asked him to go back to his meeting.

He hasn’t contacted you ever since.

You throw yourself back on the bed, vacant eyes tracing the shape of your ceiling. Funny how you’ve received tons of messages, even from people you don’t know but there you are, feeling like nobody remembered your birthday. Because he’s the only one that matters, isn't he? A voice comes alive inside your head. You’d rather have one message from him and none from everyone else, rather than this.

You smack both palms to your cheeks. Time difference, you muse. It’s probably because of the time difference. There’s no way he’d forget my birthday.

But he’s been so busy these days, another voice comes to interrupt and you start debating yourself for a few minutes until your phone rings and forcibly disrupts your thoughts.

It’s Armin.

Right, you have Armin. You exhale deeply. Forget about Eren for now, and have fun. It's your birthday. You should be happy.

But since when does your happiness depend on him?

“Hi Armin,” you greet, trying to be as cheerful as possible even with your voice still raspy from sleep and an anchor weighing you down.

“H-hi. Sorry, did I wake you up? I saw that you read my messages, so I thought—”

“Have you been checking on your messages to see whether I’ve read them or not?”

“I’m—” He takes a sharp breath. “Y-yeah… I felt like I was doing something wrong, and I was worried that I’d upset you. Is that too weird?“

“Armin, those were the sweetest birthday texts I’ve ever received. Thank you.”

“Oh…” Hearing the amiability in your voice puts him at ease. “You’re welcome.”

You smile, making random motions on your thigh with your index finger. “So, Pieck is throwing a birthday party for me today. You wanna come with me?”

“M-me?” He gulps. “You sure you want me to be there?”

“Of course. I want to celebrate my day with you.”

He quietly gasps, slightly taken aback. “Oh… Well, that’s—that’s great, because, I kinda have something planned too. I wasn’t sure whether you’d want to go, but since you said you’d celebrate it with me, umm—” You wait for him with your lip between your teeth, stopping a grin from breaking. “Would you—would you have dinner with me tonight? I know you have to go to that party, and I don’t know when it’s going to start but if I could just steal you away for an hour—”

“I’d love to,” you hastily say and his breath hitches in his throat. “Armin, you could steal me away for hours, I don’t mind. I’ll let Pieck know that we’ll show up a little late at the party.”

“Oh…” His chuckles are very quiet and light, filled with relief. “Then, I’ll pick you up at, uh… five?”

“Or you can pick me up in an hour? I’m thinking we could also have pancakes for brunch. And maybe catch a movie afterward? I heard Dune is showing.”

He sounds like he’s hyperventilating for a bit, which knowing him, he probably is. “Yes, I’ll—I’ll be there!”

“Great. See you soon, Armin.”

“See you—wait!”

“Yeah?”

He pauses, taking a moment to catch his breath. Then, he shyly says, “Happy birthday.”

And it washes over you, a surge of bliss that starts from your heart and spreads to every inch of your soul, pushing every thought that revolves around a certain boy with jade green eyes to the back of your head. Closing your eyes and focusing solely on Armin, you feel your lips curve up.

“Come over soon so you can tell me that directly,” you say, and in a breathy whisper, you add. “I want to see you.”

A loud thud can be heard as if something just smashed against the ground. Worried, you press your phone closer to your ear. “Armin? What was that? Are you okay?”

“I’m… fine.” He doesn’t sound like it in the slightest. “Just accidentally bumped myself against the coffee table.”

“Oh my God. Will you ever stop doing that?” You laugh. And it feels like a deja vu, so you repeat the same line you said to him one first night you called him. “What, too excited?”

And maybe he notices that too, reciprocating you in the same way. “No, just, umm—happy.”

“And why’s that?”

“I just happen to really love pancakes.”

***

“How did you manage to get this table?” You question Armin once the waiter leaves your table with your orders written in a notepad. The golden-haired boy, who’s dressed very handsomely in a dark grey, slim fit single button blazer and a pair of black pants, sits right before you with a gentle smile constantly strapped to his face. Just like on the day of his photoshoot, Armin’s hair is slicked back, showcasing his temple and his defined eyebrows. He’s wearing contacts as always, his eyeglasses hidden in his satchel. His beautiful cobalt eyes seem to glimmer more radiantly today, filled with the joy and excitement he’s ready to share with you as if it was his birthday you were celebrating, not yours.

“Oh, I’ve made a reservation from, like, a week ago,” he answers, rubbing the tip of his pointed nose that’s somehow always distinctly a bit red.

“You—what?” Astounded, you cover his knuckles with your palm, squeezing his hand. “Armin, that’s very thoughtful of you. Thank you.”

“Ah, yeah...” No matter how many weeks have passed with you sharing giggles and friendly touches, Armin’s heart still palpitates instantly whenever he feels your warmth on his skin. “I just, umm… I just wanted to make you happy. I know you kept checking this place out whenever we walked past by it, so…”

And it’s true. You’ve always wanted to visit this place you’re in. It’s a beautiful, brand new Parisian cafe that stands a few blocks away from where you live. As it’s located near your favorite bookstore where you and Armin usually spent your spare time, you couldn’t help but cast a glance or two at the place, captivated by its interior design and the elegant ambiance it provides. You would’ve visited this place a long time ago if it wasn’t so crowded all the time. There had been no chance for you to walk in and get a table.

“I don’t deserve you.” You smile, impressed by his sweetness. “Honestly, you’re too kind for me.”

It feels like a date. And maybe it is a date. How else would you explain the little, thoughtful gestures he makes? How would you explain the way your heart is throbbing whenever you catch him stealing a glance at you? Everyone around you would’ve certainly guessed so.

Armin may be a model with his face being shown in a fashion magazine every month, but he doesn’t attract unnecessary attention as Eren does. He doesn’t need to cover his face, doesn’t need to hide his blue eyes behind thick sunglasses. You can see how people around him, mostly females, often do a double-take when he enters the room, maybe even whisper something about his cute, boyish look to their friends but that’s just about it. He doesn’t have fans taking candid pictures of him as he walks down the street. He doesn’t have girls shouting his name and begging for his signatures in public. Armin is just as normal as a person can be.

Which should’ve worked just fine with you, if you could just move on from Eren. It’s better this way, right? To be with Armin and stay best friends with Eren? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

Yet, as the night gets darker and you’re surrounded by people congratulating you on your birthday in Pieck’s apartment, you still feel incomplete. Something is missing. No, someone is missing.

“Felt like I could hardly breathe in there,” Armin says as he follows you outside to the balcony, closing the glassy door behind him. There are more than twenty people in the room, and although Pieck’s apartment has a much bigger space than yours, it still feels suffocating. Especially when most of your co-workers are drunk and dancing uncontrollably to Cardi B’s latest hit. Now that you’re outside, breathing the fresh, cold night air, you thought you could breathe but your chest still feels tight, no matter how much air you try to fill into your lungs.

“Are you having fun?” You ask him, leaning against the railing.

“Yeah. I’m not used to partying but this is nice.” He shyly beams at you. “Your friends are great.”

“I’m glad.” You reflect his smile. “Come hang with us whenever you want. We’d love to have you around.”

“Thank you.” He lightly bows his head, acting as polite as ever. “As long as you can, umm, tell Porco to stop handing me beers. I’m not really good with alcohol.”

“Noted.” You laugh, out of courtesy than amusement and he notices.

“What’s wrong?” Armin questions, placing a hand on the railing as he reads your face. “You look like you’re in deep thoughts.”

“Nothing.” You tuck back your phone inside the pocket of your coat, averting your gaze away from him. It’s only been two hours since you have arrived at the party, and here you are, wishing to be alone with your thoughts. “I’m just… tired.”

“Do you want to go home?” His worry is painted vividly in his voice. “I can drive you back.”

“No, you should stay. I can just go take a cab. Go have fun with Pieck and the rest.”

“Without you? No way.” He insists, his hand reaching out to fix the collar of your coat. “Let me drive you home.”

A little bit closer and his hand would brush against your jawline. “Umm… Okay.”

Pieck answers your goodbyes with a pout on her face but she doesn’t force you to stay. Maybe deep down, she knows how restless you feel to be celebrating without Eren. You make sure to speak your gratitude, embracing her with the biggest smile, before you face Porco, who—despites his alpha male demeanor—baked a very cute, delicious red velvet birthday cake for you.

“Come here, you.” You spread your arms widely.

“No,” Porco snorts. “I’m allergic to affection.”

But you hug him anyway, making him stiffen inside your arms. “Let go of me!” He grumbles, trying to shove you away but you stand on your toes, pecking him cutely on his cheek.

“Thank you, Pokko.”

“Ugh, just go already.”

You’re very thankful to be able to call them friends, and you wish you could stop this unsettling feeling that swells larger and larger inside your stomach so you could stay longer with them. But you couldn’t. The more you stay and be surrounded by these people, the more you feel like you wish you were somewhere else, trapped inside a pair of strong arms, and a husky voice whispering your name in your ear.

“Thank you, Armin,” you tell him as you take his hand, climbing down his car. “ You’ve made me very happy today.” Before he closes the door behind you, he leans in to gather something from his glove box.

“I’m glad.” His smile, though still very heartwarming, seems a little bit lonely. It’s always like that whenever you’re about to part as if he wishes he could just freeze the time and stay with you for eternity. “Here.” He hands you a present, tied neatly with a bright blue ribbon that matches his eyes.

“What’s this?”

“Your birthday gift.” He cutely tilts his head to the side, tucking both hands inside the pocket of his pants. “Open it.”

“You really shouldn’t have given me anything,” you tell him with a sheepish smile, untangling the knot before you open the lid. “You’ve already done so much for me to—wait. This is my manuscript.”

“It is, yes,” he chuckles at the bewildered look you display. “With a few notes here and there.”

“What?”

“Go ahead and read it.”

Armin steals the box away from your hands so you can flip through the pages that you’ve read a thousand times before you'd handed them to him that day. Just like what he mentioned, someone—whose handwriting seems unfamiliar—has left a few notes on every page of your chapter. Words are being circled by a red pen, like how a teacher would grade their students’ paper. Comments such as “I’m impressed with the diction you used in this sentence. Very clever.” and “This can be improved. Try using a third person’s perspective, maybe?” are written on the bottom, and you scan your eyes through every note, taking every bit of praise and constructive criticism into mind.

“Did you do this?” You ask with a frown as you read. “These are very detailed. It doesn’t look like your handwriting, though.”

“No, my father did.”

“Your father is an author? Journalist?”

“You can say that.”

“Do I know any of his works?” The question just drifted away from your lips when you reach the end of your manuscript, and there, right before your eyes, is a signature you’ve been wanting to have on every cover of your favorite books.

I can’t wait to read the next chapter.

Love,

Stephen Reeve.

You nearly drop everything in your hands, as you grow still on your feet. Armin holds back a smile, leaning his back against the side of his car. “So, I guess I should’ve told you this earlier but,” he says. “Stephen Reeve is my father.”

You’re seconds away from fainting. Funny how Stephen praised your diction earlier because right now, you can’t even find the words to properly ask a question. “But—you—your last name is Arlert.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” His little laughter is just as soft as the way he looks at you. “Stephen Reeve is just a pen name.”

“I thought your father was a businessman!”

“He is. Writing books is just something he does in his spare time.”

“I—” You have a hand placed above your heart as if you’re afraid it’s going to leap out of your chest if you don’t. “B-but you—”

“You’re starting to sound like me,” he comments, chortling. And you wonder whether it’s the little bit of alcohol that spreads in his system that makes him behave much calmer at the moment, talking more smoothly with his words. Or maybe you’re just too frantic that he seems reserved in comparison.

“Armin, this is too much. Even if he’s your father, he must have been so busy—“

“It’s okay. He promised me he’d review your work if I helped him with his charity work, so—”

“That was for this?!” You shriek, your eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. “You went away for a week for this?! To get your dad to read my manuscript?!”

Armin scratches the back of his head, grinning. “Yeah. Sorry for suddenly disappearing like that.”

“Oh my God,” you can only say as you cover your mouth with one hand. “My hands are literally shaking right now—I feel like I want to cry—can—can I hug you?”

Armin spreads his arms, his cheeks turning a bit scarlet under the soft glow of the lamppost. “Come here.”

And you jump into his arms, sinking your face in his chest, and muffle your little giggles with the fabric of his shirt. “Armin, thank you so much.”

It’s such a shame you can’t see the look on his face when he returns your embrace, but maybe it’s for the best that you don’t see him fall harder than he already was. It’s like he has stepped off the edge of a cliff, and even though his heart's in my mouth and his stomach is in knots, this—with his hands around your waist and his nose buried in the smooth strands of your hair—this moment right here is where he feels infinite. He’s absolutely enthralled by you. He wants you, every part of you, and if God was kind to him, maybe someday, you could want him too—desperately, intensely, in the only way he knows how.

“Thank you,” you whisper again after a while. “I don’t want to sound like a broken record but I honestly don’t know what else to say.”

His titter is right next to your ear this time, light and beguiling. “Are you happy?”

“Immensely, yes."

He embraces you tighter, and with a sigh, he says, “That’s more than enough for me.”

There are a thousand more words he wants to convey, a thousand more confessions he wants to profess, but there won’t be enough time in the world to make you listen to every bit of his feelings. Once he feels your arms loosening, his bravery starts to waver as well. So he swallows the rest of his words, releasing you from his hold, and clears his throat. “Well, umm… I shouldn’t waste more of your time.”

“You’ll never waste any of my time,” you say, pulling away from him but still close enough to feel his warmth radiating from his body. “You’ve just given me one of the best nights in my life.”

He blushes, looking anywhere but your eyes. “You—You too. You made me feel so happy too.”

You hug him one last time, standing on your toes to lay a gentle kiss on his cheek. To Armin, it feels burning, the fire going down to his stomach, lighting the rest of his body on fire. “Goodnight, Armin. I’ll call you later, okay?”

He smiles, so pure and innocent like how he is as a person. “I’ll be waiting for that call.”

***

Eren still hasn’t called.

In a few minutes, the clock will strike twelve and it will just be another day. There’s an abundance amount of joy that you felt today, and you have received more love and support from your friends than you could even imagine. Never would you have thought someone like Pieck, throwing a birthday party for you; or Porco, baking a birthday cake; or Armin, with his very thoughtful, intimate gift that no one else could've given to you. You’ve been so blessed, you should’ve wept in joy. But here you are, staring at your phone while feeling so hollow inside, wondering if you should call first and let yourself go from the shackles that bringing you down.

What if he’s busy? He said he had a concert today. What if he just doesn’t have time to call?

You have read your manuscript more than five times in a row by now, partially because you were desperate to find a way to distract you from him. Funny how all these notes written by your most adored author himself, ones that sparked so much joy and excitement within you just a couple of hours ago, have turned into nothing more than a few scribblings on paper.

Right now, you just wish for one thing.

You just want to hear him say, happy birthday.

You pull your knees to your chest as you sit with your spine plastered against your headboard. Loneliness envelops you like a blanket, and you bury your face in your arms. “Eren… I—”

Your phone rings. You nearly jump out of your skin, your heart running a thousand miles per hour. A glimmer of hope bubbles inside your chest and once you see his name written on your screen, the butterflies inside your stomach are ready to spread their wings.

“H-hello?” You croak out, voice awfully shaky that you have to clear your throat twice to stop you from sounding too obvious. You don’t want him to hear the desperation in your voice—of how much you’ve been waiting for his call.

“Hey.” Eren, unlike you, sounds unusually energetic. “You answered right away. Waiting for me to call?”

“N-no, of course not.” You emphasize with a snort. “I was—” you shut your eyes closed, concentrating with every fiber of your being to stay calm. “I was just texting Pieck.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Is there… something wrong?” You ask him. Now that a few seconds have passed and Eren still hasn’t congratulated you, the voices in your head start to scream again: he’s definitely has forgotten about your birthday.

“Nothing. Just felt like I wanted to hear your voice.” Eren chuckles. There’s a little pause that makes you wait with bated breath before he heaves a longing sigh. “God, I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” you respond, feeling your heart warmed but not enough to wash the rest of your uneasiness away. “I thought you were going to hold another concert today.”

“Yeah, I’m on stage right now, actually.” There’s no music, no murmurs in a distance and not a single sound of a crowd cheering can be heard. You can only hear Eren’s breathing on the phone, the rest is silence. “I just finished the first half.”

“What?” You furrow your eyebrows, half-asking yourself whether you heard him right. Is he backstage? No, it’s still too silent. “But—Then why are you calling?”

“Because I wanna say something.” Then, he chuckles as he corrects his words. “Well, they wanna say something.”

“I’m not following you, Eren.”

“Just listen.” Rustling sounds can be heard as he moves. Endless questions are emerging in your head as your frown deepens, but you decide to keep yourself reticent and wait. The ticking sound of your clock is the only thing sounding louder than your own heartbeat in your ears. What is he doing? You wonder, and not three seconds later, you find your answer.

“Happy birthday to you.”

Your eyes widen shortly in disbelief. A crowd—no, a thousand of people are singing Happy Birthday to you, vocalizing the words so loudly, like a choir in a Sunday morning. Every voice in the venue echoes directly to your speaker, forcing the tiny hairs on your nape to raise and causing your heartrate to escalate through the roof. Even so, you still feel like you’re dreaming. Because how can this be real?

“You guys sound beautiful,” you can hear Eren’s voice booming through the speakers. “One more time, everyone, come on!”

They follow his count, singing the same song one more time from the top. They include your name in the song, and what an amazing experience it is to have your name called warmly by a thousand strangers.

Jean’s voice chimes in as he shouts to the phone. “Hey, dumbo, happy birthday!”

You can hear the sounds of Eren’s footsteps racing to the other side of the stage, looming over the drums to give Reiner a chance to speak. “Hey,” Reiner says. “Happy birthday from us all. Wish you could see the show.”

“T-thank you,” you reply, awkward and embarrassed and Reiner laughs, deep and heartwarming.

Eren steals the phone back, strapping it to his ear. “Happy birthday, baby,” he vocalizes, half-chuckling half-catching his breath. His words place the last hit on the dam that holds your tears and you turn into a sobbing mess, body convulsing as you bury your face in your pillow. The joy that you felt from having Empire and their crowd singing happy birthday to you is intense, but it’s nothing compared to when you heard him whisper those three words to you. It feels like years have passed with you waiting for him to say the words and now that he’s said them, you can’t speak. The more you try to form a word, the harder you choke on your tears.

“Aaw, you guys made her cry,” he speaks to his microphone, and a mix between shouts and waves of laughter echoes through the venue.

“Eren,” you bring his attention back to you. “I—I thought we agreed not to give a-any gifts on our birthdays.” It’s hard to speak between your sobs, but you managed to convey the words.

“I didn’t give you anything,” Eren replies. “They were the ones who did. I just asked them a favor.”

“You’re terrible.” You sniff, wiping your tears away as you laugh. “But… Thank you, Eren…”

“You’re welcome,” he softly says after a pause. “Sorry for being late. I wanted to call you the second you turned older but I thought, it would be a better surprise if I could get the crowd to sing with me. Did you like it?”

“Did I like having a thousand people singing happy birthday to me?” You’re laughing between your sobs. “Eren, I love it.”

“Good.” You can vividly imagine him smiling as he says the words. He speaks his next line in a whisper, away from his microphone and the rest of the world to hear. “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

Butterflies erupt in your stomach, fluttering their wings. “I… I want to kiss you too…”

There’s a sheepish laugh, and you wonder whether he’s scratching his cheek with his finger as he speaks, “We’ll do that later. Plenty of that. Now I gotta go back and perform. I have a thousand people to thank for that birthday gift.”

“Right, yeah.” You straighten your back, trying to stop the rest of your tears from falling. “G-Good luck. Not that you need it.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you in four days, okay?”

You nod, biting on your lip as you feel they’re curving into a smile. “Then… I will be waiting for you at home.”

Your face warms at your words but you don’t feel any regret saying it. You don’t care if it sounds too intimate, or something a lover would say to another. You just want to be honest for once. You owe him that much.

Eren doesn’t respond, and the three seconds that pass by in silence make your heart race in worry, wondering if you’ve crossed the line. “Eren—“

“I can’t wait to be home,” he whispers.

The call ends but his voice rings through your mind for hours, as well as the smile he plants on your lips.

***

Next Chapter

Thank you @justasketch for reviewing this for me and no, I will never forgive you for switching sides to Armin but I'm glad you crawled back to Eren in the end lol

Tagging @tasteless @l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @luvtaromilktea @didiyogo @xximthefoolxx-blog @coiloves @erenbean​ @tehehebri @infnteen @naiomiwinchester @spiderlingh @doyochii @ahornyenby thanks for reading, lovelies! Let me know what you think!

Special shoutout to my birthday girl @melekhsn Have a blast today, darling, and I hope you'll like the new chapter! ❤️

[thebadgerclan]

SFW Alphabet: Kaz Brekker

Requested by Anonymous

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

With his fear of touch, it takes Kaz a while to be comfortable with physical affection, but he slowly gets there.  It starts slowly, with him holding your hand with his gloves on, putting an arm around your shoulders and waist, then holding your hand without the gloves, kissing your forehead, cheeks, and eventually your lips.  After a few months of working through his fear, he’s open to holding you for longer periods of time.  Kaz wants so badly to be physically affectionate with you, but with his phobia, it’s slow going, but he does get there

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Kaz doesn’t really do “friends”, more like allies.  But to have him as an ally, someone you knew you can rely on, that carries a lot of weight in the Barrell.  If you ever find yourself in a tight spot, you know you can call on Kaz for help, and he’ll be there, usually with a few other members of the Dregs

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Like I said in A, physical affection is something that you and Kaz have to work towards.  But once he’s comfortable with cuddling, it easily becomes one of his favorite things.  He likes to spoon you, his arms around your waist, nose buried in your hair, legs entwined.  Kaz also likes it when you lay facing him, your head buried in his chest, his hands rubbing your back.  He might not admit it, but on bad days, whether with his leg or his phobia, he loved being the little spoon, letting you hold him close and shut out the outside world

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Kaz does want to settle down, but with the Dregs, it’s not really a possibility.  So you settle for sharing a room and spending every night in each other’s arms.  But you do talk about what your future will be like when Kaz eventually gets a big payout from a job: a mansion, fancy clothes, a massive diamond ring (that’s Kaz’s addition).  He cooks well enough to keep himself alive, but to be honest, he’s not the best

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) I feel like he’d be really cold and practical about it, but he’d cry when he’s alone.  “This isn’t working, Y/N,” he says.  “We can’t be together and work together, pick one.”  Once he’s alone in his room at the Slat, he breaks down, knowing he just lost the only good thing in his life since Jordie

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Kaz fully intends to marry you, once he has enough money for a proper ceremony, one that meets every single one of the dreams you’ve had since childhood.  He gets you a simple ring, a small diamond on a silver band, and asks you to marry him.  It’s a simple proposal, but it’s romantic all the same.  “Y/N, darling, I love you more than anything else in this world.  Marry me, please, my love, make me your husband.”  He proposes after 2ish years of dating, well after he’s gotten over his fear of touch (with you at least)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Kaz has a reputation for being ruthless and violent, but with you, he’s sweet, tender, and unbelievably gentle.  Once again, once he’s over his phobia, his touch is always gentle and tender.  He never raises his voice at you, he never even thinks about hurting you.  You are his treasure, worth more than any amount of money (and when I say “over his phobia”, I mean he’s comfortable with touching you, I know that he has deep seated trauma that will never go away.  But, in my opinion, Kaz is able to work through his trauma and work towards being able to touch his girl),

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Again, after working through his phobia, Kaz LOVES hugs.  Your arms are a sanctuary, a place where he can ignore the hustle and bustle of Ketterdam, work from the Crow Club and the Dregs, and anything that’s bothering him.  He’ll often come up to you and pull you into his arms, chin resting atop your head.  His hugs are warm and safe, you know that when you’re in his arms, nothing can hurt you

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

After about 8 months, Kaz is at the point that he’s able to hold your hand without his gloves.  You’d been so patient and understanding with him, and he took your hand, risking pressing a kiss to the back of it (something else he’d recently become comfortable with was kissing your cheek and forehead).  “Thank you for being so patient with me, Y/N, I love you so much.  My girl, I love you.”

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Kaz gets jealous very easily.  If anyone gets too close to you, he’s on edge.  Even if it’s Jesper, who has little to no interest in any female, Kaz still is jealous.  He comes to your side, either taking your hand, putting an arm around your shoulders, or pulling you flush against him (depending on where he’s at in terms of working through his trauma)

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Tentative at first, when kissing is new to him.  Light, short pecks on your forehead and cheeks, before progressing to your lips.  Then they linger for a few seconds, mainly on your lips, and eventually, he gets to the point where he wants to kiss you every waking second, lips on yours until he nearly passes out.  Once he’s really comfortable with kissing, his kisses are passionate, the love he has for you palpable in the inches between you.  Kaz likes to kiss you basically everywhere: forehead, cheek, nose, lips, neck, other intimate areas ;D.  He likes to be kissed on the cheek, jaw, neck, lips (duh), and his hands. You’re one of very few people who get to see and touch his hands, so having you kiss them makes his heart flutter

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Honestly, he hates them.  I mean, remember what he said to that little girl in Crooked Kingdom?  He just doesn’t like them, there’s not much room to elaborate on that.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Most mornings, you wake to Kaz’s lips against your temple, his arms around your middle.  “Good morning, my love.”  He is loath to get out of bed in the mornings and leave your embrace, but he’s got a club to run.  Even so, he’ll spend an extra 20 minutes or so just holding you, soaking in your love and presence (This is all after he’s comfortable w/ touch, btw)

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

(Same as above, after Kaz is comfortable w/ touch)  Kaz tends to work late, so most nights, you have to drag him to bed.  You wrap your arms around his shoulders, kissing his neck.  “Come to bed, Kaz.  It’s late.”  He’ll sigh, moan about how much work he has to do, but he;ll let you herd him into bed

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

A loooooooooong time, both in regards to physical touch and the trauma he’s been through.  You know that he’s been through a lot, and you don’t push him, because you know that Kaz will tell you when he’s ready.  And sure enough, he does.  Slowly, he tells you about Jordie, the plague, how Rollins swindled him, everything about his past.  Time is your best friend in a relationship with Kaz

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

In general, fairly fast, but with you, he’s hardly angry.  On a job, Kaz can’t afford to be too patient, when he needs something, he needs it now, and he’s not afraid to do whatever he needs to get it.  But you’re a different story, with you, Kaz has endless patience.  He might snap at you at the start of your relationship, but he always apologizes immediately afterwards.  Love is new to him, so he needs you to be patient as well.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) Kaz has the memory of an elephant, he has to with the jobs he does,  So he remembers every single thing you tell him, important or not.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Cliche, but the first time he kissed you.  Kaz was finally comfortable enough with that level of intimacy, and he’d removed his gloves, cupped your face in his hands, and kissed you, a long, sweet, lingering kiss.  He cried, but they were happy tears.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

You’re dating the Bastard of the Barrell, Kaz is insanely protective of you.  Whenever you go somewhere without Kaz, he has a few members of the Dregs trail you, at a distance, just to make sure that if something happens, you’re protected.  But if he can, Kaz goes everywhere with you, you on his arm, glaring at anyone who might dare cross you, as if to say “Hands off, she’s mine”

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Kaz leads a busy life, so proper dates don’t happen all that often.  But when they do, Kaz goes all out, he books a reservation at the best restaurant in Ketterdam, roses, expensive wine, the works.  Other date type things are like a private dinner in his office and simple gifts, like candy and things you’ve mentioned you want

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

It’s not a bad habit, but it’s definitely an obstacle in a relationship: his haphephobia.  He can be a little rough around the edges, and he’s pretty resistant to the idea of a relationship until he realizes how hard he’s fallen for you

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Kaz is always dressed and groomed immaculately.  A fitted three piece suit, his hair slicked back, fedora, leather gloves, shoes shined to a mirror gleam.  He takes pride in his appearance, he came from nothing, and he’s built a little empire for himself, and he’s damn proud of it

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

At first he thinks he wouldn’t, but then there’s a job that goes south, and you get hurt, and I’m talking badly hurt.  Life-threateningly bad.  Nina patches you up in seconds, but you’re unconscious and weak for a few days.  Kaz doesn’t leave your side once, his hand clutching yours.  “Please, Y/N,” he begs to your sleeping form.  “Please be alright.  I can’t live without you.  I love you, Y/N, I love you so much.  Please, wake up, my love.”

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

On your 9 month anniversary, Kaz got a third tattoo.  Above the crow and cup, next to the capital R, now resides your initials

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Kaz cannot be with someone who doesn’t respect his boundaries.  If you take his hand without thinking before he’s alright with it, but release it immediately and apologize, he’s shaken but alright.  But if you do it and don’t let go or don’t apologize, it’s a massive dealbreaker

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Kaz has trouble sleeping in storms, the rain reminds him of the tide on the Reaper’s Barge.  But cuddle him and he’s out like a light

[rosyk]

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

1

  If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

  Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences.  I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

  Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

  I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

2

  Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

  [CHAN’S POV]

  And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

  [Y/N’S POV]

  He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

  [CHANS POV]

  You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

3

[YOUR POV]

  It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

  -SCHOOL-

  “Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

  /LUNCHTIME/

  Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

  -CAFETERIA-

  “This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

  “Because I’m interested in you.”

  Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

4

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

5

  Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?”  What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

  “Are you still interested in me?”

  You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

  “when he couldn’t be there”

  You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

  “I am home.”

  Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

6

[HAN POV]

  It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

  Because I never stood a chance did I?

7

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

8

[CHRIS POV]

  You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

  she wasn’t smiling anymore.

  “Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

  I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

9

[YOUR POV]

  The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

  The moon shone brightly that night

 but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

 I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

  I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

  “That can’t be me..” I thought.

  Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

  who is it that you’re in love with?

  Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

10

[CHRIS POV]

  I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man, 

  “She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

[thebookofus-depravity]

Skinny Bone Jones

Skinny Bone Jones

Chapter 1 

Chapter 2 coming soon!

9k words

This is my baby Park Jaehyung and an AU in which y’all are dealing with the coronavirus together in LA. Jae grew up with Y/N and you were childhood friends. You stayed close but haven’t seen each other in ages. Now you’re both back.

 Teeth rotting fluff, possible smut in future chapters (lets see if I have the balls to post it), Y/N has a strong proclivity for a certain guitarists hands. And honestly, who can blame her? TW: Confrontation with a nasty old ex, Coronavirus,  Quarantine, overbearing parents.

...

This fucking sucks.

Closing your laptop, and shoving it off of your lap to the side of your bed, you are struck by exactly how warm the underside of your Netflix Machine was in contrast to the chilly room. Well, 3 hours of To Catch a Predator in, and sure, your old 2011 Dell dinosaur is going to be a little mad at you. I've got to do something today. Anything. 

Week 3 of your quarantine is coming to a close and on this breezy LA Thurs-Fri-Turday (who the hell knows anymore) you can feel the last tendrils of your sanity escaping with the setting sun. It just doesn't stop setting. And rising. And setting. And rising. Tortuously slow some days and before you can even get out of bed the next. Not that you get out of bed much.

Alright. That's it. I'm gonna do something. I have to. It's time to make some art, bake some cookies, go for a run, tell someone around me how much I value them, topple the patriarchy. I am going to get up and do something with my life and damned if I get in my own way again. I am unstoppable. I am formidable. I am inevitable. 

Rising from your rumpled bed clothes with the steadfastness of a slightly anemic Viking (whoa I’m woozy, I shouldn't have stood up so fast. Shit, when's the last time I ate?) you cross to the large bay window that faces the street. You throw your curtains open, ready to face the day, only to be faced with… stars starting to twinkle at you out of the inky blackness. Dammit. I'm gonna have to defeat systemic oppression tomorrow. 

Squinting from behind your glasses, you see that the stars are not stars at all but helicopters blinking down at you. You haven't seen real stars since your trip to Big Sur last summer. Although you moved to LA when you were 7, you have vague recollections of the Korea that you loved as a young child. Your parents had picked up and moved to the States after years of struggling through VISA's and citizenship red tape. Your mom and dad had originally meant to get married and have you in the US. The land of opportunity. 

You now chafed slightly under that blanket of opportunity as you are far too aware of the responsibility you have been given to make the absolute most of it. From the ripe old age of 8 you had been conditioned to follow your dreams to their fullest. As long as those dreams were to become a doctor, lawyer, or marry a CEO. Your parents cared about you greatly and you knew that. They only want security for you, happiness comes from security. Now 25, you can't quite remember the last time their overbearing nature had been quite this...potent. You were in your final year of medical school at USC and there was nowhere to run.  It was time for you to begin your foray into the 'real world' of residency. The same post-undergrad 'real world' that you had watched all of your non-premed friends crash land into. They had all distanced themselves from you, both figuratively and literally; intentionally and inadvertently. Divorced, Beheaded, Died: Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. You had watched you friends get married, have kids, sabotage marriages, buy houses, do well, do poorly. And here you were in some kind of bubble both safe and isolated from all of the uncertainty beyond the classroom. 

Jokes on you, Jessica, now we're all screwed, you find yourself thinking for the upteenth time over the past month. You had been watching the Coronavirus since December and knew exactly what was to come. You did all that you were capable of as a not-quite certified medical professional and tried to convince people of the reality of the threat, convince them not to panic, and to exercise a reasonable level of preparedness. Well, that didn't work. You found yourself sunk into a deep well of frustration and futility at the action and inaction that was being exhibited throughout the States. For the first weeks of quarantine you found yourself glued to your phone, helplessly watching the tragedy unfold and the stupidity that was ensuing. By week 2 your empathy had burnt out and you knew you couldn't watch that world anymore. K-drama's it is. After completely obliterating Crash Landing on You, Itaewon Class, and rewatching Descendants of the Sun for the eighth time just because it's so. damn. cute!, your parents started to get a little concerned. 

Your stomach growled and you realize you, in fact, haven't eaten since early this morning. As you consider what the consequences of emerging from your cave of a bedroom might have, you resign yourself. Five minutes later you are hovering in the kitchen with a bowl of leftover whateverthefuck in hand, you turn to see both of your parents at the bar stools staring at you with a look of concern that you haven't seen in years. Shit, I keep forgetting, they think I'm functional.  Your parents had shipped you off to Health Careers College Prep school, a boarding school in Sacramento, when you were 16. Upon graduation there with your high school diploma, nurses aid, and dental hygienist's certificates, you immediately started at USC premed. You hadn't lived at home since your Jonas Brother's phase. As much as your parents loved you, they didn't really know you. This had been overwhelmingly obvious when the USC campus closed and you returned home to open arms and your bedroom frozen in the clutches of 2009. Your parents had welcomed you home with tearful hugs and a new gift for your room. I know how much you love that Kevin- boy. And your room is so old. Come. Come. Already wary and wondering who the hell is Kevin? you allowed yourself to be led to your old room and set your bags down with a deadened thump. You tried so hard not to laugh, You really did.  They're trying so hard. But like, Where did they even find this monstrosity? You had been staring up at the largest poster of Kevin Jonas that you had ever seen every night for 3 weeks and it was starting to get to you. 

Regardless of the decor (purple fuzzy lamp shade included), there were so many parts of living at home that were so foreign to you.  Although everything was completely the same, you were worlds different and it was disorienting. Your bed seemed smaller, the walls shorter, the colors dimmer. Everything that made that house your home was still there, only you had changed. It was like you were in a coma and had just woken up, the rest of the world unchanged but with 10 more years under your belt. Your therapist would tell you that you were reverting into a childlike state because of trauma and surroundings. Hush, Mollie, I don't need that right now. I need food. 

Food was honestly what was keeping you sane and civil. Your parents own a pho shop just down the street that was still taking carry out and delivery orders for pho, crawfish, whatever they had lying around. You had been helping out in the kitchen and with deliveries since you had been home. As freeing as the drives have been, you really come alive in the kitchen. You had been watching your mom make pho and dumplings for years and although she sent kimchi to your apartment every month or so, you missed your moms cooking. And her kitchen. You immediately took to cooking just like you had when you moved off of USC campus and into an apartment with some friends. You had 12 burners! That all worked! A convection oven! Two of them! Kitchen Aid's! You had no problem opening up shop at 8am every morning to prep the dough and get the stock boiling and all of the other things that her mother and father had been doing for the past 20 years. 

Returning to your room after rinsing out your bowl and chopsticks, and exchanging goodnight's with your parents you sit on your bed and tell yourself to go to bed. You have to be up at 7am for the kitchen. You need to chop scallions for the pork and chive dumplings so it has time to coagulate. Come on, Go to bed. No phone. It was a pitiful attempt, really. You had been pulling med-school grade all-nighters since your junior year of high school and nothing was stopping you now. Turning on your side for easy access to your charger, you plug your phone and coast through Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Tinder for an indeterminate amount of time before your eyes start to get heavy. Instagram was just filled with all of your peers from USC recklessly meeting up with friends for picnics and drives and all of the other things they thought they were free to do because they were young and healthy and beautiful. Fuck off. Youtube provided a lovely escape from the actual outside. Mikey Chen showed you around TaiPei's street food scene, Binging with Babish gave you a new hand pulled noodle recipe to try, Bon Appetit made you glad you weren't Claire Saffitz. Tinder was a joke but an adequately funny one. Instead of your bog standard USC fuckboi's you were able to talk to fuckboi's from Korea, Dubai, Indonesia, Guatemala, Brazil. How fun. You had downloaded it 6 months prior after yet another guy in your department was just 'too busy, i'm sorry' to make the date that you had planned. You generally tried to avoid Twitter as it was just an echo chamber of panic and 24 hour news cycles and didn't do much for your anxiety. See, Mollie? I'm being smart. 

You flick open the little bird app and scroll for just a minute. A particular notification picques your attention. Jae tweeted. Well, Day6 tweeted, but we all know who runs their twitter. Your throat tightens with nerves as the post loads. You worry about him more than you'd like to admit but with tours cancelled and travel suspended, you know how hard it can be for people whose livelihoods revolve around entertainment and travel. The post loads and you let out a sigh of relief to see Jae surrounded by his band mates and smiling. Brian starts speaking Korean and delivers his message about their newly acquired tiktok. Brian gestures for Jae to speak and Jae delivers the same message in English. Ah, he went back to blonde. It looks good on him. Wait is he- oh god, he's wearing a crossbody fanny pack. Jae, you're old. Stop. Shifting to get more comfortable, you let the video loop a few times before closing the app. Jae's okay. You roll over onto your side and set your phone to the side. Jae's voice echoes through your ears for the next few minutes but you resolve yourself against it. I'm not getting fucking tiktok. I'm a grown ass woman. That app is for 12 year olds. And Jae. Resolved, you burrow into your Jonas brothers duvet cover for the night. 

Sweating and on the verge of tears, you wake with a start. The dream was already slipping from your consciousness with a blessed haste but the uneasy feeling that the nightmare gave you seemed to coat the inside of your skull and taint it's entire contents. A thin light filters through your still open window and your eyes creak open. Morning? Sure, why not? Rolling over, you flick open your phone and are greeted by an all too unfamiliar, 5:17am. It's too damn early. Even for you. You still have an hour or so to kill before you have to get up but you didn't fancy the idea of trying to go back to sleep after that dream. Propping yourself up on a few of the approximately 67 pillows that litter your twin sized bed, you open your phone. 3 new emails from USC congratulating you on your graduation and asking for some documentation of something or another or evaluation of some class you hadn't thought of in weeks. Skip. 2 emails from residencies that you had applied to before the coronavirus urging you to reapply in the fall. Great. You couldn't even bring yourself to feign concern over the missed opportunity. 1 email from Twitter informing you that Jae had tweeted. Again. You follow the link to another video of his side project EaJ. You had been following his new releases and you were surprised by the tenderness and vulnerability that they showed. He was always such a funny guy, it was the only side that he really showed much to the media. Sure, fans got glimpses at concerts, but not many knew just how deep the well ran in that man. 

Today's Tuesday, apparently. The next episode of How Did I Get Here? comes out today. I'll have something to listen to while I food prep. You never admitted to yourself how pleased you were when he started the podcast. You missed hearing his voice on a regular basis. Hollered up into your window, whispered between giggles in the back-most church pew, hurled across crowded hallways. Of course, the voice was different than it is now. Pocked by pubescence and the LA accent, you remember a far squeakier Jae. He was the first person you met when you moved into the neighborhood at 7 years old. He was 9 so of course, he took it upon himself to show you exactly where you could and couldn't go and what taco trucks would give out fare for free to little kids on weekends.  You remember those years fondly as finally having the big brother you never had. Skinny Bone Jones, you called him. He stood up for you when the kids in middle school called you smelly for bringing kimchi in your lunch. He called you smelly just for being you. He was well liked in school and by extension so were you. You had the cool big brother. You were more than happy to play second fiddle and be his backup. Tagging along to parties, helping him record his yellow post-it note covers on Youtube, letting him know when his hair looked stupid.

 And so it stayed until Jae actually made it on KPop Star. As much as you loved him, you didn't think he would ACTUALLY make it. Sure, he could sing. He had a beautiful voice but that wasn't enough. The boy danced like a drunk chicken and was 6ft tall and 120lbs soaking wet. He didn't even know Korean. What was he thinking? He was thinking he was going to prove you wrong. And he did. You watched as Skinny Bone Jones transformed into Park Jaehyung with a perfect balance of immense pride and terror. You knew you wouldn't lose your friend entirely but during his trainee days he had very limited access to the outside world, and you just weren't a priority. Honestly,  you would've been offended if you had been. He has a mom, dad, an older sister, bandmates, college. It only makes sense that the steady stream of communication turned into a trickle. It wasn't until Every Day6 that you were more of an insistent presence in his life. You burrowed your way back into his inbox with the tenacity of the annoying little sister that you were. You were worried. You watched him on After School Club and in the deluge of content that Day6 was serving their slowly growing fanbase. He looked tired. You once again rekindled your relationship but it was different now. Instead of you leaning on him for social support, you became his confidant. He was struggling. Burnt out, and questioning so many things, he didn't want to go to his bandmates because he didn't want them to worry. His parents would pull him immediately if they knew exactly how rough his condition was, his 'friends' from college had proved fake. He now had Alpha Phi Omega blocked because they wouldn't stop asking for favors: Day6 tickets, Twice merch, Got7 tickets. He felt alone but you reached out and he was able to lean on you. The trials passed and he was happier than ever and Day6's growing popularity meant good things for his lobster funds. 

You stayed in contact over the years and shared with each other the going on's of your lives. You had even managed to go to the Gravity World Tour date in LA. Jae got you backstage and you were able to meet the rest of his bandmates that you had heard so much about. It was an act of God that you managed to keep your composure. I mean sure, he's just Jae but you're still backstage at a concert for the first time! Your cheeks still redden when you remember how Jae caught you ogling at YoungK. Heart in your throat, and voice barely above a whisper YoungK had walked directly over to you and asked what you were doing backstage. After a solid 15 seconds of pointing listlessly at your Press badge and making just the strangest of noises that were meant to approximate speech, Jae finally caught wind and rushed over, knocking your sense back into you and introducing you to the members. 

Oh! Y/N! It's so nice to finally meet you! Jae talks about you all the time, I'm so glad you were able to make it! Your cheeks inexplicably reddened further to a violent shade of pink but the boys slowly defanged themselves in your mind. They're truly lovely people and you're glad Jae has them. That being said, you still can't quiiiite look Brian in the eyes and Jae thinks it's hilarious. 

The Gravity tour feels like ages ago as you shrug on some jeans and a tee shirt for your walk to the shop. August 2019 at the Novo may have only been 8 months ago but it seems like a different reality. The Novo will be closed for the forseeable future and concerts are cancelled. That stings but not as much as the radio silence from Jae. First it was his tour schedule that rendered communication difficult and now the virus. You know he's busy and it's been a weird few months for the entertainment industry, but a 'Hey I'm alive.' would be nice. From his podcasts and twitter you've been able to keep some thread attached but you feel it stretching thin as the months stretch on. You really don't want to be annoying. You're sick of feeling like a fan. Yeah, you support Jae and Day6 and would call yourself a MyDay, but that's not all you are. You know him. You dragged him through the mud when he convinced you to try sledding down a muddy hill on a trash can lid. You set up his camcorder for his covers when he still had that stupid swoopy hair. You posed as his angry girlfriend when a crazy fan wouldn't leave him alone.  You're starting to feel like just a fan and not a friend and it's only exacerbated by the glee that you feel when you get the notification from dive studios that How Did I Get Here? has updated. I miss my friend. 

Not bothering to flip the sign on the front door from closed to open, you shoulder open the front door of the shop after fumbling with the keys. Tying an apron securely around your waist, and flicking on your noise cancelling headphones to a comforting thrum, you wash your hands and begin to chop the largest pile of scallions you've ever seen. Crunching through the pile, you start Jae's podcast and everything is gone but him. You can almost imagine him in the room with you, perched on the counter talking your ear off about the Mandela effect or how weird elbows are or something equally as ridiculous. Today he's talking about soul mates. As you listen to him joke and banter and pontificate, your eyes well up. It's just the scallions. You know damn well it's only partially the scallions. You miss Jae. And you're in the middle of a pandemic. And your family barely knows you. And you're not sure if you even want to be a pediatric oncologist. Fuck. Jae's words turn into white noise in your ears as you toss your headphones to the side and place the knife on the butchers block, perhaps more aggressively than necessary. You pause the podcast and let yourself sit in the feeling. You're lonely and sad. See Mollie? I'm letting myself feel things. Making room for every emotion. You cast your mind around and recall all of the little wounds that prick a little too deep today. You feel a squeeze in your abdomen and your eyes shoot open wide. Shit, my period. I've got to be PMSing. Even Jae recognized the trend in your emotions before you did. The week before your period, you were notoriously mushy and weepy and indulgent. Well, that's one mystery solved. I'll be okay. Mollie's voice echoed through your brain with her familiar argument that hormones only heighten the emotional distress, not fabricate it. These feelings are valid and aren't fake just because you're hormonal. You steadfastly ignore that point, wipe your eyes, and pull your headphones back on. You finish up the pile of scallions and a few other morning chores before the podcast ends. It's Jae's sign off that sends the bowl of mandu filling that you were holding clattering to the floor. "I'm coming to you from my childhood home, so if the audio is a little finnicky… blame Byron." Jae's home.

…

After sweeping up a pound of pork, beef, mirin, soy sauce, and chives and disposing of it, you stare at your phone- hands shaking slightly. Jae. What the fuck. You rip off your apron and your mind races. Should I call him? Should I go see him? I can’t believe he’s right here. 2 houses down. Fuck. Your rational brain knows that it’s okay to feel excited about Jae being home. But the sneaky little bitch that lives in the back of your brain is telling you that if he wanted to hear from you, he would’ve called. You feel a little bit of yourself fragment at that, but you push it to the side. You open up your phone and slide over to his contact in your phone. What greets you is your last text conversation.

Jae: I’m so glad you had fun, Y/N! But if you ever look at Brian like that again, I might have to put a ban on you at our concerts. His head was way too big.

Y/N: Look at him like what?! I didn’t do anything and you know it! 

Jae: Of course you’re didn‘t. You totally weren’t drooling over my bassist. 

Y/N: Fuck off.

Jae: Gladly, love. ;)

8 months ago. Sure you’d DM’d quite a bit since then and called a few times. But it just seemed so sparse. You don’t want him to just humor you. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of being alone. You’re not going to text him just yet. 

You finish up your morning chores and head back to your house, pausing for perhaps just a little too long in front of the sandstone house with the tan shutters and shoes out front. You knew that house so well. You knew how much weight the tree outside the upstairs bedroom window could hold. You knew where the kimchi refrigerator was tucked away in a back corner of the garage. You knew there was a blonde boy in there that you wanted nothing more than to run inside and get a hug from. 

You shower and let the hot water run over you, hoping it will relax the knotted up muscles in your back. It’s not like I can go see him anyway. We’re in quarantine. He probably just got back to LA and just hasn’t gotten the chance to-. You run the same conversation over and over in your head until you can’t take it anymore. You need someone else’s voice in your head. Curling into your covers, you sigh and go to the App Store. A few short minutes later and you hate yourself more than you ever have. Tiktok. Here we go. You watch the video of Day6 introducing themselves to the social networking platform once, twice, three times until your eyes start to ache. All of a sudden you’re met with a new post that pings up. Your breath catches in your throat as you see Jae standing in his living room, attempting to keep up with Amber Liu’s dance challenge. You can’t help but giggle as he flails to the left, to the right, oversized black hoodie always falling into his face. BM would be proud. Express not impress. You find yourself shocked at the weight that he’s gained. He looks healthy and happy. You remember the conversations in middle school about how much he hated being skinny. The evenings in the weight room in high school. Failed doctors appointments. He looked good before but you see that in recent months his chest has been swelling and not just with pride. His shoulders sit a little bit broader than you ever remember in the past and you’re happy for him. Good for you, Jae. 

You like the tiktok and let it loop a few more times before sighing heavily and opening your messaging app.

Y/N: I got TikTok for you, ya little shit. 

You chuckle but leave the text unsent. You’ll think of something better later. You toss your phone to the side in the face of the mountain of laundry on your bed that needs to be taken care of. As you hang the last of your shirts, your phone pings. You pick it up to a notification from Jae.

Skinny Bone Jones: Language! 

Skinny Bone Jones: Do you think Amber approves? 

You feel a flare of indignation wash through your limbs at the mention. Apparently it had sent. Oh well. As the thrill of a reply ebbs out of you, it is replaced by a rising indignation. How dare you?! Not tell me you’re in town and pretend like you didn’t?! Really?! 

Y/N: I don’t really care what Amber thinks.

Maybe that was a little snippy. You love Amber, truly. But how can he have time for TikTok but not me?

Skinny Bone Jones: Yeah? Do you still care what I think? 

Your heart catches in your throat. So he’s caught on that you’re pissed. 

Skinny Bone Jones: Y/N, can I call you? 

You swipe up to the phone icon and call him on auto pilot. Talk to me, Jae.

“Y/N?” you hear Jae’s voice.

“Jae.” Your voice comes out whispier than you meant it to. You try again.

“Jae! How are you?”

“Oh, y’know, just got off a plane that smelled like bleach and got to my house that isn’t really my house anymore, left my guitar to be sanitized, was “strongly encouraged” to make a TikTok by my company, and then got my head bit off by my best friend. Just quarantine things.” There is a touch of acid in his voice but Jae mostly sounds tired. Your empathy comes surging back and you sigh.

“I’m sorry Jae. I just- I didn’t know you were in town until I listened to your podcast this morning. I was a little hurt that you didn’t call or anything.” 

“Look, kid. I just got home. I’m a diva. You know I require at least an 18 hour period of naps and boba to function properly. I’m a KPop Star now.” You laugh at the callback to your irate spiel a few years ago about how fame had changed him and he was a diva and  just ‘wasn’t the Jae you knew’ anymore. It wasn’t his fault he was allergic to everything and turned down all of your food suggestions.

“Jae, you’ve been a diva since day one.” You quip back, tension resolving as you fall back into a familiar playful banter. 

“And don’t you forget it, Y/N.” There's a slight pause before Jae continues, 

“This diva is really sorry he didn’t call you. It’s just been a lot the last few days. The tour just got cancelled. And our album comes out in a few days. Our team has been going crazy trying to figure out how we’re supposed to publicize in this climate and I just-“ 

“Jae. Chill. When I preordered mine last week, it was the most popular album on the site. It’s gonna sell. Don’t worry too much.” There’s a beat of silence in which you can hear the air whoosh out of Jae’s lungs.

“You-You preordered Demon?” Jae sounds shocked but endeared at your admission and you laugh. 

“Of course? I’m really pumped to hear that sexy, soothing voice of Wonpil’s. Maybe I’ll even get a Dowoon photo card this time! I keep getting Jae ones in my other albums and I give them to my little cousin.” This isn’t entirely true. You have 3 of Young K, 2 of Dowoon, and 1 each of Wonpil and Sungjin. You’ve been waiting for a Jae photocard for ages. You would die before you told him that, though.

“You little shit. If you don’t want to see my face, why are you following Day6 on TikTok?” Jae ribs back.

“Brian. Duh. He’s fine as hell.”

“Yah! Haven’t you found a boring ass Orthopedic surgeon or some shit, yet? Why do you have to terrorize me like this?” 

“Why? Haven’t you found a Twice member that’ll marry you yet, Skinny Bone Jones?”

“I’ll have you know, I gained 10 pounds the past 8 weeks! I’ll be big as BM soon!” You can picture the expression of childlike pride in his face even if you can’t see it. 

“You look really good, Jae. I’m proud of you. You’ve been working really hard.” The sudden sincerity catches the both of you off guard and you clear your throat.

“Thanks, Y/N. That means a lot.” A comfortable silence is followed by a lengthy conversation recounting the previous weeks, the various states of the other members, your own eviction from college, and the status of the shop. 

“You know, Y/N, if you or your family need anything I’m more than happy to help. I mean I know how hard it can-“ You cut him off before he can go any further.

“We’re okay Jae, honest. I know you’d be good for it but we don’t need anything right now. Business is good at the pho shop and we’re okay.” 

“Okay, okay. Just know I’m here.”

“I mean NOW I do, no thanks to youuu,” you wheedle, whining about his failure to let you know he was in town. 

“Come on, Y/N, I said I was sorry!” He laughs but you can hear the desperation of sincerity in his voice.

“I know, Jae. I’m just kidding. I just really missed you.” 

“I missed you too Y/N.”

You get off the phone upon the realization that you needed to go to the shop and prep for the dinner deliveries. Sometimes you abhorred that you were “essential”. You run downstairs and tell your parents the good news about Jae and inform them you’ll be back soon. 

“I know you’re excited, Y/N, but remember we can’t be going and visiting people like that. Only essential work.” You roll your eyes slightly but assure them that you know. As if you hadn’t been telling them the same thing for weeks. I had to convince you not to go play mahjong in the park, eomma. You might be excited, but you’re not stupid. 

You had just started filling the mandu when you hear the bell over the door chime. Pardon me, are you stupid? We've been closed for weeks, why do you think it would be okay to just walk in? You wipe your hands on your apron and start to walk to the counter.

"Hello? I'm sorry, we're only open for call-in deliveries." You round the corner and lift your head from your hands to see the form of the gangliest, tallest, loveliest man you've ever seen in your life.

"Special delivery." Jae remarks smoothly, arms open wide in invitation and head cocked to the side as if he was bracing himself for the crash landing that was to come.

"Jae!" you yell, and launch yourself from behind the counter and into his arms. His arms fold around you and everything else melts away. Your face burrows against his chest and you inhale. He smells like home and cinnamon. You can feel tears welling up in your eyes with the tide of emotions that wash over you. Jae's hand cups the back of your head into him and he hugs you just as tightly as you hug him. You press yourself into him with everything you have and in the deafening silence and warmth all that you can think is I love you.

"Y/N" He whispers, not loosening his grip on you.

"Mmph." you respond weakly.

"My shirt's wet." You jump back from him a bit and see that he's correct. Your eyes are leaking. All over his white shirt. Oops.

"Oh! I'm-I'm sorry." You laugh a bit and swipe at your eyes before patting at his shirt in futility.

"It's okay, love. Come here." He welcomes you back into his arms and you wrap your arms over his neck this time. 

"I missed you." You whisper, voice cracking a bit. 

"I know you did." You jump back from him. Bitch.

"Hush. I missed you too, you idiot. Why else would I be standing here right now?"

You cast your eyes around in a panic. He's here. He's right here. In the store. Here. He shouldn't be here. He should be in quarantine with his family. You're unessential to him. 

Sensing the realization in your eyes,  he pushes past you, walking to the back and puts on the latex gloves hidden behind the counter. 

"I figured it was about time to get a 'real job' like everyone keeps telling me to." He smiles smugly and picks up the knife to start chopping the bok choy. You stand there in shock for one second, two seconds, three seconds until you realize he’s about to cut his fingers off. 

“Jae! Stop!”

“Look, Y/N, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to do this. I want to help. And I’ll be damned if I’m not allowed to see you in the time I’m finally here-“ 

“No, Jae. Stop. I know I can’t argue with you. I’d be thrilled if you’d work with me. But Brian is gonna kill me if I let you cut your damn hands off.” 

“I… what?” 

“You’re a guitarist Jae. We can’t have you cutting off your pretty little fingers. And if you keep chopping it like that, that’s exactly what you’re going to do.” 

Jae looks down at his hands and stretches his fingers wide as if considering them for the first time. 

“Pretty?” 

You roll your eyes, but unbidden, your eyes are still trained on his hands. They really are pretty. 

“Just. Let me show you.” You show him how to tuck his knuckles up against the blade and chop in smooth rocking motions so as not to take off his fingertips. 

You work in relative silence for the next hour, packaging meals and portioning combos as your mom and dad peek in and out to pick up the orders. You can feel a warmth flowing through you as you take in your surroundings. The loneliness of the past weeks leeches out of you and dissipates into the warm atmosphere, homey smells, and murmur of conversation. It’s almost as if your limbs wake up bit by bit, like a tree waking up after a long frigid winter. You feel yourself stretch and shine and the bubbles of contentment flow through you. By the time the last combo is out the door, you find it really difficult to take the smile of your face. 

Jae seemed to be in the same boat. On more than one occasion you caught him staring at you. Every time you caught him he just shook his head and laughed in that infuriating way of his. But you really couldn’t be irritated at him. It was impossible. He was your happy fairy, even if you wanted to kick him in the shins every two minutes for saying something dumb. Mom and dad said goodnight to Jae in the same way they have been since he was 10. “Tell Mrs.Park I say hello and don’t be a stranger.” Right after they leave and you’re washing the last dish, while Jae sits on the counter telling you about production for Day6’s new album, the phone rings. Before you can tell Jae not to answer it, he’s already taking the man's order. Fine. One more can't hurt. You weren’t anxious to end this day and return to bed alone, so you welcome the post-closing distraction. Cobbling together a plate from the leftovers you were about to bring home, you grab your keys and beckon Jae to follow you. 

“No need to bug mom and dad, we can take this one.” 

As you walk outside toward where your little yellow bug is parked, you feel Jae move behind you. You can feel his body close to yours and you stiffen instinctually. You’re not used to skinship anymore and you can feel the blood in your veins carbonate as Jae’s breath ghosts across the back of your neck. You stop dead in your tracks, eyes wide, flush creeping up your neck as you feel his hands- those damn hands- ghost along the side of your left arm. You squeak when his fingers brush against the back of your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. Your world spins. Fuck is he holding my hand? Do I want this to happen? He’s so close to me. Can he hear my heartbeat? 

“Jae-“ you begin to say, with absolutely no idea as to where the statement would go after. 

Luckily you don’t have to think of any sort of decisive move because Jae immediately snatches the keys from your now limp left hand with a cackle, running ahead to the car. 

“I’m driving!” You little fucking- oooh! 

You’re thankful for the cool evening breeze and dim street lights or you were sure to get a ribbing for the blazing red cheeks that you were sporting. You climb into the passenger's seat with the food on your lap and do your best to sink into invisibility. It doesn’t work. You’re convinced that he can hear your brain jackhammering away at the night's events. 

Did I want that to happen? Did that happen? He was so close to me. He felt so warm and the way he touched me. Running your hands over your arm, you could feel his touch like it had raced a burning path down your whole left side. Do I… like Jae? 

You glance over at him now and again as he puts the car in drive and begins the route to the destination. Jae, of course, is jabbering away about how everything has changed since he’s been gone and, “Omigod, is that ANOTHER pinkberry?” You find yourself nodding along passively while actively trying to figure out what the hell was going on in your brain. Much like his podcast, his voice became white noise by which you asked yourself questions you weren’t sure you wanted the answers to. Of course I love him. But do I like, like him? Never in your life have you felt more like a horny, confused teenager but as you glance over and watch Jae with one hand on the steering wheel, wind blowing through his hair, you know one thing for sure- Jae isn’t a kid anymore. And he isn’t your brother. 

It isn’t until you pull into a neighborhood about 10 minutes later that you remember that you’re here on a delivery. Yanking yourself from your reverie, but with unease still firmly lodged in your thoughts, you address the task at hand. 

“Jae, where are we?” 

“Uhhhh, 3051 Driver Rd.” 

Driver Road. You know this neighborhood but you can’t quite place where. If your previous safari into your possible romantic interest in Jae wasn’t jarring enough, you feel panic rising through your system like so much bile. Why do I know this neighborhood? Jae, unaware of any turmoil on your part, pulls up to the house in question and when your headlights wash over the yard your heart sinks into your throat. You’re going to be sick. 3051 Driver Rd. This is where Sean lives. 

You had met Sean Avery in your sophomore year of premed and had fallen head over heels in love with him. He was tall, attractive, ambitious, and he wanted you. You were star struck. It wasn’t until a year of ‘dating’ later that you unearthed the whole messy truth of his long string of side pieces and general douchebaggery. If that wasn’t enough, in the past year you heard the report of him almost catching a case with a high school senior in the area. You knew now that he was nothing but a predator and a coward. You had managed to avoid him since your explosive breakup but now it seemed you had very little choice.

“Sean fucking Avery” you seethe in the seat next to Jae. 

“What did he do to you?” Jae asked, taken aback by your sudden vitriol. 

“Shit, that wasn’t in my head was it?” Jae laughs a bit but sobers up quickly at your expression.

“Y/N you look really pale, are you okay? I don’t know your history with this guy but hey, you don’t have to deliver this. I’ll do it. Don’t you worry, love.” Jae places his hand on the top of your head and ruffles your hair a bit in an attempt to be comforting. The attempt helped. Your heart pricks up a bit at Jae’s term of endearment but it feels more deadened than it should. You’re sick of feeling like this. Of letting Sean steal your joy from you. It’s been too long for that shit. Pulling yourself together a bit, you shake yourself out of your head and steel yourself. 

“No, Jae, I’ve got this.” Jae looks at you with slight concern but shrugs nonetheless.

“Alright, well, I’m going with you okay? This dude really must’ve done a number on you if this is your response. And I’d like to see the bastard.” Jae’s eyes glinted with something dangerous that you’ve never seen in him before and it causes the same fire in you to spark. Let’s do this. 

With Jae by your side, you march up to the door with the delivery order and set it on the front steps. The doorbell is deafening in the still night and you have to remind yourself to breathe. You jump as the door swings wide and a pathetic looking man sporting a robe and a beer belly peeks from the inside. All of the breath that had been waiting in your lungs released and you feel your head go a little bit light with the realization that this was the man that you were in love with. 7 years later, gone was the debonair gentleman who could sweep you off your feet. In his stead stood a balding, fat, stiff man in boxers and a moth eaten robe. He grunts in acknowledgment of  the presence of other humans but it’s obvious that the Neanderthal hasn’t recognized you. He retrieves his food and goes fumbling in his robe pocket for his wallet. He fishes out a card and hands it to you. You take it from him and process the payment. 

Declined.

“Sorry, Sean, your card- it declined.” 

He huffs and makes a sound in the back of his throat that you can only describe as gross as you hand it back to him.

“It what!? What do you mean declined?” He stumbles forward a few steps and you automatically flinch backward into Jae. Jae’s hand comes up to your shoulder to ground you, a reminder that he’s still there. Sean’s movement wafts a smell of body odor and brown liquor. He always was a mean drunk. You decide to cut your losses while you can and keep the transaction as minimal as possible. No games.

“Your card, Sean, it declined. Do you have an alternate form of payment?” Sean whips open his wallet and roots around for a minute before retrieving a few crumpled up bills. He extends the cash but before you can swap his card for cash, his arm whips back. Looking at you sideways, suspicion drips from his slurred speech,

“How do you know my name?” 

Shit. Fuck. Dammit. 

You watch helplessly as the cogs turn in his inebriated brain and recognition washes over his face.

“Y/N! It’s you! What do you want from me now, bitch? Trying to take my money now too? Get out of here!” His voice steadily rises in volume and you can feel the walls of your panic closing in on you. Suddenly Jae steps in front of you, arm outstretched to the belligerent man. 

“You’re talking to me now. You’re done with her.” Jae holds himself with a confidence that you had only seen from him onstage. 

“Just pay for the food and we’ll be going.”

“And who the fuck are you?” Sean spits back, as if Jae were something distasteful that he had found on the bottom of his shoe.

“I’m Jae. Y/N’s boyfriend. Now I’d really love to take Y/N home tonight before it gets too much later. So if you can just pay for your meal, we’ll get going.”

Sean crumples up the bills and throws it into Jae’s chest. 

“Good luck with that bitch, kid. You’re gonna need it.” And with that he retreats inside and slams the door shut behind him. 

Jae immediately rushes to your side and wraps you in a big hug. Although similar in mechanics to the hug earlier that day, this one was far different in intent. You could feel it in his soul, that hug was meant to squeeze all of the fragmented pieces of you back together again and hold them until they stuck. You can feel your heartbeat slowing to match his and your breathing slowly regulates. 

Mollie is gonna have a lot of fun with this one.

Jae escorts you back to the car and there’s a thick silence that you can’t quite bring yourself to cut as he puts the car into drive. You know he is forming his own story of what happened between you and Sean in his head and you can’t tell if that’s better or worse than just reliving it and telling him the whole story- cops and testifying and court and all.

Once out of the neighborhood, Jae heaves a sigh and chuckles a bit. 

“Well he seemed lovely.” 

“Uh huh. He’s a real peach.” 

Jae looks over at you with an expression of dual concern and amused what-the-fucker-y. Did that really just happen? 

There is a beat of silence and solid eye contact before you both start cracking up. Unable to restrain yourself any further, you both dissolve into a kind of healing, deep belly laughter that shakes the entire car. Pulling up to your house, Jae throws the car into park and then turns to face you. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, you know? It’s not my business. You’re my business. But asshats like him aren't. Just that I’m around to keep them away from you.” 

You sigh deeply, still recovering from the laugh attack, before giving him a brief bulleted list of the sheer shenanigans that Sean had pulled on you all those years ago. You watched as Jae’s face contorted over the course of the story, hardening into yet another study in fierceness that you were yet to see from him. 

“I really am okay, though Jae. He had me pretty fucked up for a little bit but honest, I’m okay. I did the therapy, I fought my battles. I just hadn’t done the last closure step of actually looking him in the eye and saying goodbye and good riddance. And I probably never would’ve if it weren’t for tonight.” You reach out and grab his hand instinctively. 

“Thank you, Jae. I really appreciate you doing that with me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“You would’ve gotten your ass handed to you is what you would’ve done.” Jae states, deadpan.

“Jaeee!” You laugh, hitting him on the arm. 

“Oh, so now you can throw a punch? Okaaay, nice.” This little shit. 

Banter aside, Jae takes the key out of the ignition and gathers his things to get out of the car. As he closes the door, you hear him mutter “You need to pick better guys. You’re too great to end up with someone like that.” 

You don’t have any kind of answer to that, but you feel a lightness in your chest as his eyes burn into you. Jae walks you to your front door and all you can hear in your head is an echo of Jae’s declaration of “I’m Jae, Y/N’s boyfriend.” Is that what I want? 

You end up at your front door far too soon and the twinkling of the helicopters in the sky signals to you that it’s more than time for Jae to go home. Your heart sinks into your stomach at the thought of him leaving and you inwardly groan. 

Jae gives you one last hug goodnight and you know before he even releases you that this isn’t enough. Not even nearly. Your feelings, whatever they may be: love, like, general affection, haven’t been correctly quantified and expressed. This has been the best day you’ve had in months, and he was the deciding factor. You were grateful to have him there on your front door step, in his arms. But maybe, just maybe, if you’re able to express to him exactly how you feel about him in this moment, he’ll be able to help you out and translate exactly what this feeling means for your future together. Without thinking about it too much, you retreat from the hug and angle your face up to his so that your noses are almost touching. You sit like this for just a second. That sickening second that would allow him to retreat and tell you you’re an idiot for even thinking it. But he doesn’t retreat. Instead, your lips are brushing against one another in just the barest of whispers of a kiss. His lips are so soft. It’s over in an instant and as the chilly night air cuts between the two of you, you are all too aware of how disproportionately warm your face and neck have become. You smile up at Jae and he carries a similar, if not slightly more shocked, half smile. 

As if reading one another’s minds, you both understand that it’s wise to let one another think about the night's proceedings before any further rash decisions are made. In an attempt to preserve the spell of the night sky and the kiss and the chirping cicadas, neither of you say another word to one another but instead exchange content smiles that convey more than a goodnight ever could. With a slight bow of his head and a glide of his hand down the length of your arm, Jae walks backwards down your front steps and slips into the night, shaking his head slightly, trying and failing to conceal his smile. You watch him from the porch as he skips up to his house, before slipping into the warmth of your own home.

...

GIVE IT A LIKE IF YA LIKE

FEEDBACK IS MY LOVE LANGUAGE

[theluckyyyoneee]

Unforeseen Forecast

A bet that Sehun thought would be too easy to win turned out to be harder than he thought...

High School AU (Playboy Oh Sehun)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

Pairing: Sehun x Reader

Genre: Angst/Fluff (pure angst this time around)

Word Count: 2.4+k

not my gif^

From that unexpected and unwelcome visit from your father, your feelings of revenge only intensified, pushing you back into the right mindset that you had somehow let Sehun push you out of with his perfect smile and practiced gaze of warmth. 

Willing yourself to somehow forget about the slightest ounce of guilt you had begun to feel from playing the same game he was playing with you, you managed to hide your distaste from him, replacing them just in time with innocent smiles and allowed him to give you kisses and embrace you-which might have fooled you before, but thanks to your newfound resolve, you knew better than to fall back into that trap. 

You agreed to go anywhere he wanted and cuddled close to him wherever you went-when appropriate-studying his expressions and body language with a close eye and smirked inwardly to find him become uncharacteristically shy. Eyes squeezing shut with a seemingly genuine smile gracing his lips, his body would mold into yours, his arms cinching tight around your form.

It seemed to be going well, and now that there was only about two weeks left or so before the three months were up, you could only imagine how uneasy he was feeling, often catching him gazing off into the distance, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth with that infamous furrow between his brows. 

However... there were things you couldn’t help but worry about.

Sehun was an even better actor than you were.

You obviously weren’t the first girl he had managed to trick with his faultless expression and the sweet nothings he had perfected over the years of deceiving and repetition. 

So even if there was a possibility that you had somehow moved him, swayed him, got him to fall for you along the way... there was really no way for you to know for sure.

You couldn’t just ask him, “Hey, I know this is only apart of the bet, but when you inevitably say those three words, will their meaning hold any real value to them?”

He had to act like he was in love with you anyway, and it drove you crazy not knowing if it was all just a horrible act... or would you really hurt him in the end?

You couldn’t help but think about the many nights out on the cliff on the hood of his car, tangled in each other’s embrace as the two of you discussed the trauma you two encountered during your childhood and finding comfort in one another.

He had seemed so sincere...

Then it brought you right back to where you started. He played with countless girl’s emotions, rendering them to tears and humiliation... so shouldn’t he experience the same fate?

Or should you stop while you were ahead and face the fact that you had to go to therapy for subjecting someone through this for what your father did years ago?

Groaning, you let your head flop into the palms of your hands, a migraine no doubt starting to form the more you got lost in your thoughts. 

Ugh, maybe you should just stop this whole thing.

The sound of your phone vibrating against your counter had you lifting your head and you reached for the rectangular device with unsteady hands. 

From: Sehun Want to come over? I have something to tell you

Your heart was trying to jump out of your chest as you read and reread the last six words of his text, countless scenarios playing out in your head as you tried to decipher what it could be that he had to tell you.

... Would he confess that it’s been a bet all along?

Or would he confess to you something different entirely?

Typing then deleting, the same tedious action, you finally sent a reply before heading to the bathroom, your stomach in knots at the thought of how tonight was going to end. 

From: You Yeah, how about seven?? I have something to tell you too just send me the address and I’ll meet you there

“Why are we at your house?” You quizzically uttered as Sehun ushered you into his pitch black house that seemed more fitting to be a mansion rather than a home.

He offered a weak and nervous laugh in return, reaching around to scratch at the hairs at the back of his neck-his tell that you always found him doing when he was anxious. “I wanted us to be somewhere where we could talk in private, with no one spying in on our conversation.”

“What do you mean?” You slowly got out, his words not sitting right in the pit of your stomach as your corneas stung as he suddenly and silently flipped the switch to the light, and all you could see was white before the surroundings became clear to you. “Wow.”

You completely forgot about the tenseness that seemed to have made a permanent home in your joints as you ogled at the glamorous dining and living room that graced your eyes.

Sehun’s house looked like it belonged in a magazine for fancy living, the leather couches, gigantic television, spotless glass tables and china displayed perfectly in a huge cabinet that tied the whole ambiance together... though, you noted with some sadness that although it looked lovely, it was like this was a model home.

It looked like no one lived here.

Envisioning your much less glamorous living and dining room, you didn’t have the latest and nicest appliances... but it felt like a home. You could tell from the numerous frames that contained pictures of you, your brother, your mother, and just about every other relatives in the family. As you wandered farther, the sorrow further implanted itself in your chest as you saw not one picture of Sehun or of his father, or anyone. 

“Yeah, everyone has the same reaction whenever they see my house for the first time,” Sehun’s tight piped from behind you and you jumped as you somehow forgot his presence, him offering a tight lipped smile as he slowly led you to the couch that you were admittedly a bit afraid to sit in. “I’m sorry, you can look around more later if you want, I just... I have something to tell you and I have to tell you now because what I’m about to tell you... is important to me.”

You were sure he could very well hear the violent thump thump thumping of your heart, as you two sat facing each other, the air heavy with anticipation and tension.

He was going to tell you about the bet.

He was going to confess...

... and you’d forgive him.

If he confessed, it had to mean that he at least felt guilty, right? That would prove to you that he wasn’t as selfish and uncaring as you made him out to be, right? 

That you could overlook his past, and yours, and learn to overcome your fears of love and commitment... with him.

“I love you.”

Those three words rendered you motionless, as if you had just turned to stone, unblinking and your breath caught in your throat as you stared at him, his own seemingly worried eyes staring right back at you, flitting over every inch of your face, trying to decipher anything that would give away what you were currently feeling.

At first, your heart just about burst with joy. 

He loved you, he told you himself! 

You two could make it work, everything would be alright...

Then, came the recollection of certain words that had been said when they thought you weren’t listening.

“She looks like a loner who hasn’t had the attention of a male in a long time.”

“We’ll give you three months to have her say, ‘I love you’, and we’ll give you whatever you want.”

“Fine, but I don’t think I’ll need all three months. I bet I can get her to say it in one.”

So in the end, it was all about the bet for him.

Trying your best to not let your expression falter in front of him, trying your best to not let the damn tears fall and not to show how your heart was breaking, you snatched your hand from his and jumped up from the couch like something had bitten you.

Sehun’s hand lay motionless on the seat of the cushion, flinching at your sudden movement away from him, his expression turning into one of puzzlement as you muttered, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Mouth fluttering open and shut, he mumbled with a thick voice, “What?” You had his full attention, his entire form crestfallen as you forced yourself to repeat yourself, this time a bit more clearly. “Why?”

That one word broke your heart and you wanted to take your words back and take him into your arms, knowing his feelings were fake and he was only acting to win that stupid bet, but... you wanted to take him in your arms all the same, ready to torture yourself for his sake.

But it was killing you and you really couldn’t do it anymore. 

How dumb of you... for thinking you could ever change his heart. 

And shame on you... for knowing what a self-centered, egoistic person he was and falling for him anyway.

As much as you wanted to believe him and his words, you knew better, though it was a bit too late. He slowly stood up as well, movement slow and heavy as if you would run away if he moved too quick, his eyes trained on your face. “I’ve never felt this way for anyway, I’m serious. I really... love you, Y/N.”

Love? 

You wanted to laugh in his face.

Did he expect you to say it back?

And once you did?

He’d wipe that pitiful look right off his face and snicker with that evil smirk he pulled off so well.

Then he’d tell you what you already knew... but you’d beat him to the punch.

“I know about the bet.” You admitted softly, silencing his trembling lips and froze him where he stood, his face began to turn desperate as he shook shake his head back and forth, brows furrowing as he refused to take his eyes off you for even a second. You smiled softly at him as you whispered, nodding in encouragement, “So you can stop pretending now.”

Heavy breaths leaving his lips, he attempted to say something, but only could continuously shake his head, as if not believing any of this was happening right now. His eyes still had yet to leave your face, and you swore you could see tears in his eyes, the usual liveliness and sparkle in his eyes long gone and replaced with an emptiness.

He must be so upset you rid him of his gloating opportunity, his big chance to tell you that all this was a sick joke. 

“How?” He uttered that single syllable with such brokenness your own brows furrowed at how devastated he sounded. 

“I’ve known all along. I overheard you, Baekhyun and Jongdae talking about me in the classroom that day. That I’d be a really fun bet.” You kept strict hold of your expression, glaring at him as he sputtered in front of you, taking a step back as he stumbled one towards you, shame splayed on his face at your withdraw from his advances. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N, I’m so sorry, I...” he croaked, covering his face with his hands as he tried to gain control of his erratic breathing. Your carefully managed stoic expression began to crumble as you watched him break in front of you.

This is what you wanted. You wanted him to feel the same as all the other girls before you felt, you wanted revenge; not only for you, but for them as well.

But the pain in your chest reminded you that hate was not all that was felt from you to this beautiful but blemished, damaged man. 

“What are you sorry for?” You questioned with faux casualness. His head shot up from his hands, and your heart constricted with the visual of the tears drying on his cheeks. “I got what I wanted. You crying over me the way all those girls cried over you. Really, I should be thanking you for granting me my wish.”

You were taking it too far, bile wanting to rise up your throat the moment the false words left your mouth, your body wanting to curl up into itself the moment you heard a sob leave him, the moment you saw him crumble to his knees as he looked up at you in apparent agony. 

“You were just pretending this whole time?” He downright pleaded with you with his dejected gaze, urging you to admit that you were really lying. 

“Just like you were,” you retorted with a hard expression, crossing your arms over your chest as you gazed at him with an unwavering stare.

Sounds of protest left him as he shook his head, his expression turning frantic as well as his tone. “No! No, I... A-At first, yeah okay, I was pretending, but...” he trailed off, licking his lips as he helplessly shuffled closer to you, grabbing hold of your hand before you could pull away. “the more I got to know you... your beautiful smile and your kind soul, Y/N, I fell for you so fast.”

Not letting yourself fall back into his trap, you shook yourself out of his tight hold. “Yeah, right. Just admit it, I was just another bet to you.”

“I swear you weren’t!” He sobbed, head bent so all you could see was his lean frame tremble with his cries, and you stopped yourself just in time to keep from running a comforting hand through his hair-something you knew always calmed him down. “I don’t even care about the bet anymore, I swear. I love you Y/N, I really do.”

“Yeah, well...” you trailed off nonchalantly, each fiber of your being wanting to destroy itself, you knew you weren’t going to be able to hold it together much longer, you had to end this. “I don’t love you, since this was all a joke and all.”

He continued to shake his head, his hiccups and sobs mixing together and you let a tear drop before you shakily wiped it away quickly before he could see. “Looks like you didn’t win the bet after all, what a shame. I’ll let myself out, leave you to... sort yourself out.”

Keeping your cries to yourself as best you could, you opened the door which seemed a ton heavier than it did when you first arrived, you turned back to see him in the same position, his cries having quieted down a little as you uttered something true, “If you really do love me, you’d leave me alone.”

guys i think i went too far and now im depressed. gonna have to write something rlly light and fluffy to get rid of this mood :’( lmk down in the comments what u thought and if u wanna be tagged for the last part, also if u want an angsty ending or fluffy ending? debating on which ending to choose... thank u to all who are still reading this series i love yall!

[ariannjs]

ENGAWA | A SasuSaku FanFic (One Shot)

The air was crisp around them, and the sky a canvas of purple and pink tints. Two pairs of eyes remained fixed on the painted sky as the husband and wife exchanged hushed conversations, whiling away the remaining hours of the day.

It was rare for them to be seated like this during their travels, at ease in each other's arms on the engawa of a small house lent to them by a family they have helped in Ame. So as best as they could, they maximized the opportunity to rest, not as the neo-sannins of the shinobi world, but simply as Sasuke and Sakura.

“This is going to be my first fall outside of Konoha, Anata," Sakura said while adjusting her head against Sasuke's chest. "I didn’t expect it could be this cold, considering summer is just about to end."

Sasuke stared at his wife's form as his lone hand played with a few strands of her hair. Her back was against him so he couldn't see the expression on her face, but he simply hoped that it reflected content.

His eyes observed the courtyard in front of the engawa – vast, enchanting, homey – something that they wouldn't have as long as they were traveling on foot.

He wondered if Sakura yearned for dusks like this compared to continuously trailing across forests and mountains before the sun sets. He wondered if his wife dreamt of having a new home – a physical one – instead of camping outside and renting an inn from time to time. And he wondered if she had realized that he has taken away too much from her when he asked her to accompany him on his journey, causing her to abandon so many things that could've been hers.

He looked at her again, moving his arm to envelope her waist. He sighed. "Do you regret this?"

"Regret what?" Sakura placed her hand above his with her thumb moving in circular motions above his scarred knuckles.

Her husband remained silent.

Sakura turned to face him then. And as expected, there was a scowl on her face for she already knew where his question was coming from. "Sasuke-kun, if you think I regret being with my childhood crush turned into the love of my life every single day, then you aren't the prodigy they were describing you to be."

"Hn." With his lips curving upwards, he tapped her forehead until her frown was replaced with a grin.

"You know, you have to stop thinking as if I'm suffering just because we're not living the normal life any woman would want to have with her husband. I'm fine. We're fine this way, Anata."

"You deserve so much more, though. Yet I couldn't give you more."

His wife turned completely this time, lacing her arms around his torso and burying her face in the crook of his neck. "But you gave yourself to me, Sasuke-kun. That in itself is more than enough."

The wind breezed against their skin and allowed them to further enjoy the embrace of the early evening. Sasuke’s gaze turned to the sky once more, thanking the Heavens for giving him someone whose love for him is immeasurable, despite all that he was and all that he is. 

His thoughts brought him to that moonlit night he wanted to completely forget – the night that he left her small frame on a bench and her strong heart into pieces. It was clear as day when Sakura said that she would feel alone without him even with her family and friends around her. She even promised that she won’t let him regret being with her, because everyday would be a joy as long as they’re by each other’s side.

Sasuke fully understood the truth of those words now. After all, they both knew the pain of being away from each other, and now, they already experienced the joy of being together – not just as teammates, but also as husband and wife.

He tightened his arm around his wife while feeling her breath against his neck, thinking that she was already asleep.

However, she slightly startled him when she spoke again, “I think there’s nothing better than the other thing you gave to me though.”

“The other thing?” He glanced at her form, confusion written all over her face. 

Instead of getting a verbal response, Sakura only nuzzled his neck as her hand moved his and placed it gently on her stomach. “This,” she said softly, making Sasuke feel her smile against his neck.

Sasuke Uchiha was an esteemed prodigy of his generation, but at that exact moment, he seemed to have lost all the vocabulary that he knew while his eyes remained fixed on his and his wife’s hands.

At the silence, Sakura tilted her head to get a view of her husband’s face. “A-anata? Aren’t you–” Yet she was astonished with what she saw.

She has witnessed Sasuke’s tears on so many nights in the early months of their travels, ones that were due to anguish, fears, and past traumas that frequently visited him amidst his sleep. When they finally got married, she noticed how these tears slowly stopped manifesting.

Hence, she was surprised to see them again now, especially because she knew that these tears had nothing to do with anguish anymore.

“Hey,” she muttered with her other hand moving to his cheek to wipe away a stray tear with her thumb. “This is something that we made together, Sasuke-kun. So whenever thoughts that I’m not satisfied with the life that we have now still enter your mind, just think of this wonderful gift.”

Sasuke was still frozen in place as if he wasn’t done processing everything yet. And then his hand shakily stroked his wife’s stomach, realizing that indeed, this tiny bump wasn’t here a few weeks back. Glistening Rinnegan and Sharingan-activated eyes met Sakura’s, and albeit he still couldn’t find the right words to say in situations like this, he uttered, “You know what I feel for you, right?”

With a smile, Sakura gently nodded, releasing a tear of her own. The next thing she knew, Sasuke closed the distance between them and meshed his lips with hers, making her feel every bit of love and joy in his heart that he doesn’t often verbalize. Their hands were still atop her stomach until they pulled away.

Then, with heaving breaths and touching foreheads, Sasuke told his wife, “I’m glad it’s you, Sakura. Thank you.”

o - o - o

August 2020 © AriannJS

o - o - o

Hiii guys! How are you all? :) We’ve been under quarantine in the Philippines for 5 months now and it’s just really weird having to face this new normalcy for a long time. I hope you are all safe and healthy, and that somehow, my works bring a smile to your faces during this difficult time.

Please check out my newly posted works on AO3 & FF: SasuSaku x Ben&Ben Series and Midnight Figments (English Snippets). And for my Filipino SS moots, check out my Tagalog works: Panliligaw ni Sasuke and Iibig Lang Kapag Handa Na (Tagalog one-shots). I haven’t really taken the time to post my recent works here on Tumblr but I was finally able to compile and upload them on AO3 and FF.

BTW, I am regularly posting SasuSaku snippets on Twitter before I compile and post them here, so if you want to see them first on the bird platform, you guys could follow me on @CoffeeAndSS (SS fan acct) and @AriannJS (main).

Please don’t hesitate to give me a boost through your reviews! I’d highly appreciate it! :) And if you want to support me further, please consider buying me some coffee on my ko-fi page! Any amount would help especially with our situation these days. :D Thank you and God bless!

Much love!

- A

[queer-starling]

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?  

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? 

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao. 

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal   

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.  

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink 

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better  

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there. 

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH) 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? 

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess? 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

:/

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

[rk800downloading]

“Save me” Chapter 16 - Reader x Connor

Disclaimer: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME!! ❤  Pretty close to the end now guys, thank you so much for all of your support - I am so happy this fic has made it this far!! ❤ 

* DISTURBING CONTENT WARNING! * Read at your own discretion!! 

Previous Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?” You replied, untying your apron.

“Just me.” Tim opened the door, a grin wide across his face. “I know you said you didn’t want any presents for your birthday, but I couldn’t help it.”

“Tim!” A smile broke through your pretend pout as you hopped on your bed, sitting crossed legged. “Thank you.”

He sat down beside you, handing you a small card. “It’s not everyday you turn 18.”

You glanced at Tim once more before carefully opening the envelope. The card itself appeared to be handmade; it was construction paper full of scribbles you weren't exactly sure what of - but you thought you saw at least a dog and cat.  

“Did you draw this?” You asked, giggling.

Tim playfully rolled his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m good at housework, not drawing.”

You laughed again, taking your time to admire the work he had put into the card before opening it.

Sparkles, and a neat bundle of 100 dollar bills fell out, resting on your lap.

“You’ve been working so hard since we had that talk of moving to Detroit.” Tim placed a comforting hand on your back, gently rubbing. “I knew you were really close to what you needed - and I wanted to help.”

You opened your mouth, words refusing to come. “How-” You looked up, back down, and then up again. “How did you-?”

He pointed to his temple. “It’s pretty easy to pass for a human when you don’t have an LED. I took on a few graveyard shifts, labour jobs - I don’t have to sleep like you do.”

You shoulders began to shake, your eyes feeling hot.

“Tim- I can’t- I don’t- I don’t know what to say or how to repay you-”

“Then don’t say anything.” He grinned again, wiping a tear from your cheek. “Follow your dreams - move to Detroit. That’s all I need.”

---

Deep breath in.

You looked at the orphanage in the distance - how its deteriorating cobblestones begged you to walk down them - begged you to return to the past.

Connor’s fingers reached back from the passenger seat and intertwined themselves with yours.

“Does my hand still calm you,” He smiled, “my love?”

You saw Hank grinning in the rearview mirror. “That’s cute and all, but stop. I still have trauma from seeing you two making out.”

“From when you spied on us at the park?”

“For the last time, I was not spying!”

You smirked at their banter, gaze still lingering on your childhood home.

The moment you stepped out of this car you would be forced to remember what you had tried so desperately to forget. Your childhood, the massacre, Tim - the old Tim, the new GOR. You would have to face it all - but you wouldn’t be alone.

You had Hank, and you had Connor.

You finally let out a deep breath, a bright smile spreading across your face. “What’s the plan?”

“Uh,” Hank froze, caught off guard from your sudden enthusiasm. “Well, what is the plan Connor?”

Connor folded his arms across his chest. “We came here because it was our only lead - we don’t know if Tim is actually at the orphanage, but we should proceed as if he is.” He faced you. “Can you remember the layout of the building?”

You closed your eyes, trying to visualize your childhood home. The memories came easily.

You remembered the orphanage well - every room, every nook and cranny - every secret. If Tim was hiding, you would find him.

“The building is three stories tall with two basements.” You started, speaking confidently. “The main floor is the living room and dining area, everything upstairs is bedrooms, washrooms, and offices. The first basement is the kitchen, and very bottom is laundry.”

Connor nodded, eyes crinkled. “Very thorough. You never cease to amaze.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” Hank turned from the driver’s seat ruffling your hair, before leaning forward on the wheel. “Huge ass orphanage though. What if he escapes before we find him?”

“Tim is badly damaged - combined with the fact that he’s an outdated model means there is a high probability we can sneak up on him so long as we stay quiet.” Connor answered.

“Tactical espionage.” A mischievous look spread across Hank’s face. “I like it.”

Connor’s gaze narrowed for a moment as he gave Hank a look. ”I propose we go to the kitchen first.”

“You think he’s cooking red ice in an orphanage where he murdered children?” Hank grimaced. “Seems about right.”

“The blood red ice never stopped circulating even after authorities took control of the warehouse and apartments.” Connor brought a fist to his mouth, expression pensive. “Making red ice would be simple for an android - basic chemistry, like making acetaminophen - aspirin. Other than ingredients-”

“Oh, he’s got plenty of those.” Hank coughed.

“Other than ingredients,” Connor ignored the remark, “All he would need is a vent and a heat source.”

“A vent…?” You bit your lip. “Why?”

“An organic solvent is needed in order to dissolve all the ingredients - a common one is gasoline.”

Hank scoffed. “Oh, he needs a vent so he doesn’t blow himself up from gas fumes. Too bad he thought that far ahead.”

Connor faced Hank, tilting his head. “Your retorts are top notch today.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Hank threw his arms in the air. “I’m a little on edge right now.”

You gave the man’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before returning to the matter. “The kitchen would be perfect. It’s large, meant to be able to cook for all the children at once. There’s a huge vent and even a natural gas stove.”

“Then it’s decided.” Connor grabbed the door’s handle, pausing for a moment. “You’ll have to lead us though.”

There was no hesitation in your mind. Only focus, determination - you wouldn’t let your old feelings get in the way.

No matter what.

You exited the car, opening Connor’s door and offering your hand to him. “Leave it to me! I’ve got this.”

His eyes were soft as he accepted your gesture. He stepped out of the car, pressing your body into his the way you taught him. “I know you do.”

“But one last thing before we take this show on the road.” Hank walked around the car to meet you. The corner of his mouth tugged into a apologetic grin as he grabbed your hands, placing the cool metal of a gun in them. “Do you know how to use one?”

“No...” You muttered quietly, staring at the foreign object. It weighed heavily in your fingers, but lighter than you guessed the weight of killing someone would feel.

“I’m sorry,” Hank’s voice was somber, “but I need to know you can protect yourself incase something happens.” He adjusted your body into a firing stance; your dominant arm locked, grip firmly around the gun, other arm supporting.

“This is the safety.” Hank spoke, clicking a little metal piece down. “The gun is now live and pulling the trigger will fire a bullet.” He quickly flicked the piece back up. “Make sure this is always up unless you’re ready to potentially take a life.”

Hank’s words settled deep in your chest as he pulled a small holster from his coat pocket, clicking it around your hips. He placed the gun in its rightful spot, locking it in with a snap of a button.

His blue eyes pierced you. “Don’t take it out unless you absolutely have to, okay kid?”

You nodded, gulping down the thick feeling in your throat. You hoped you wouldn’t have to.

“Okay.” Connor spoke, his gaze steeled as he looked you. He uncrossed his arms, fists forming at his sides. “Let’s go.”

---

Thorns of overgrown rose bushes scraped at your legs; their blood colored blossoms led you -  winding and turning until you reached a familiar gate, ‘Rosewater Orphanage’ was painted on wood above.

“Holy shit,” Hank murmured as he gazed past the metal bars.

The orphanage was even larger than you remembered. The shadow of its massive presence loomed over you, swallowing you whole. Ivy had grown up the sides of its brick wall exterior like a parasite; it wrapped itself around the pillars of the front door’s awning, framing the dozens of dirty, neglected windows. Cracks had worked themselves through the worn cement of the walkway, up and across the remnants of children’s paintings that time and rain had forgotten to wash away.

Connor opened the gate, his footsteps soundless as he led you to the double doored entrance. He pulled a gun from an underarm holster that his leather jacket had concealed. With a small nod, Connor pushed open the door.

It opened with ease, groaning as the sickening smell of iron welcomed you.

The click of Hank’s flashlight revealed a nightmare. Blood had soaked into the wood of the foyer - staining, dirtying, ruining whatever blissful reminiscence you had left. Memories of children snapped under your feet as you proceeded into the rust colored room, the feeling of nausea growing with each crunch.    

“They never cleaned up the fucking crime scene after?” Hank whispered angrily, pulling his shirt to cover his nose.

“The records say they did.” Connor paused, his LED spinning red. “I can see some faint traces of dried thirium on the floor - an android was involved.”

Hank screwed up his face. “Were we still doubting that this is Tim’s faul-”

“No - there’s no one else it could have been.” You kept your voice low and sharp as you tiptoed around the decay. “Follow me.”

The further you walked into the orphanage, the darker it became. An oppressive weight pressed against your lungs, threatening to suffocate you. You kept your eyes forward, leaving the dust and dried blood in your peripherals. You knew that if you looked too much - if you thought too much - your numb facade would crumble.

You crept into the dining room, the stench of rot even stronger than the blood; the carpet had become molded, the remains of spilt food and drink saturating it. Curtains were shredded and sullied, china dish cabinets knocked down. You almost tripped over the steak knives that had been stabbed into the floorboards.

The door to the basement was a thick metal, blue and tired. You pressed lightly against it, and then harder - It wouldn’t budge.

Hank sighed softly. “Classic.”

Connor attempted to fiddle with the door, hands dropping in defeat. “Is there another way?”

“No.” You bit down, forcing your brain to think. “But there could be a key in George’s office on the first floor. He always had spares of the important keys.”

“We’d better try it.” Hank frowned as his light illuminated scattered dolls - frayed and abandoned. “I wanna get out of here as soon as possible.”

“Me too.” Your voice shook as you tore your eyes away from the cracked porcelain faces that you once adored. You turned, footsteps swift as you headed back to the entrance and up its grand staircase.

At the end of the first floor’s hallway was a single, lonely door. You put your fingers around the handle.

You hoped that when you opened the door, you would see George sitting at his dignified oak desk. You hoped that he would pull down his round spectacles, and smile - saying your name when he realized who had come in. He would ask if you’d gotten in trouble again, and you’d say that you hadn’t - you just needed help with a crossword.

But that was in the past,

and this was now.

You opened the door, and all you saw was the desk - a desolate desk, an empty room lacking an owner. You walked forward, drawing a line through its dust with your hand, finding once forbidden drawers. You always wanted to figure out what secrets were held within its wood, but never had the cha-

QUACK, QUACK, QUACK - DUCKS GO QUACK!

A loud noise rang throughout the room, draining the blood from your face. You spun around to find Hank’s foot atop a blinking, blaring toy.

MOO, MOO, MOO - COWS GO MOO!

Connor rushed for the toy, muzzling the noise in his jacket.

BAH, BAH, BAH - SHEEPS GO B-

You heard a crack, and then complete silence. Connor pulled the toy from his jacket, a plastic farmer decapitated in his hands.

Your heartbeat echoed through your ears.

Your stomach was in your throat.

You shakily looked to Connor, who stood frozen in place other than the hand that halted you and Hank from moving.

Seconds felt like an eternity as you waited for a signal.

And you didn’t dare to breathe.

You only strained to hear - searching for a creak, or a rustle of clothes - but all you could hear was the static in your head, getting louder and louder.

It was deafening,

unbearable.  

And then finally, Connor spoke.

“If Tim was here, he definitely heard that.” He lowered his hand, gently placing the toy to the ground.

You collapsed, legs weak from the adrenaline.

“But I didn’t hear anything after the noise - no movements.”

“Fuck me! I’m sorry.” Hank exhaled, resting his hands on his knees. “That scared the shit out of me.”

You held a hand over your chest, finally managing some words. “You didn’t hear any movement? Is Tim even here?”

“I don’t know.” Connor kept his voice hushed. “Stay quiet though - we can’t let down our guard.”

“Right.” Hank heaved in one last deep breath before standing upright. “And I’ll make sure to watch where I fucking step.”

“Probably a good idea.” You muttered jokingly, using the desk as a support to help you stand. You began rummaging through the keys, reading their IDs aloud. “Laundry, laundry chutes, electrical, washrooms one, two and three, bedrooms…”

“But no basement, right?” Hank smirked.

You ran your fingers through the keys again, carefully, attentively - shaking your head no at the results.

Hank clicked his tongue, a look of irritation spreading across his face. “So, what's our new plan? Have Connor shoot off the lock again?”

“I already considered the possibility.” Connor leaned against a wall. “I inspected the door earlier. The hinges aren’t exposed and the lock is a deadbolt - I preconstructed 567 scenarios before deciding the thought was useless.”

Hank spat. “Fuck.”

“Wait.” Your eyes gazed over the keys once more, an idea formulating in your head. “The laundry chute…”

“What?” Connor’s LED spun red as his brows furrowed.

“The laundry chute!” You looked up from the desk, pointing to a small door on the wall. “There’s a cupboard like this for laundry on each floor that all connect to the same chute - and I know that I’m small enough to climb down it. I could climb down to the kitchen and unlock the door.”

You could see both Hank and Connor tense up, hesitating.

“That’s a little fucking dangerous, don’t you think?” Hank’s jaw clenched. “What if you fell?”

“I’ve actually climbed it before, as a child - part of the reason why the chutes have locks on them now.” You admitted unwillingly.

“And what if Tim is there, in the kitchen?” Connor’s temple hadn’t stopped flashing red. “It is physically impossible for Hank or I to come down that chute with you.”

“The chute cupboard is practically right beside the basement door - and you said it yourself that there’s been no signs of movement! Tim might not even be there.” You refused to back down from Connor’s glare. “I can do this. Let me help.”

Hank placed a hand on your arm. “It’s not about that - we just don’t want to put you at risk.”

“How many times have you put your life at risk for the people you love?” The words slipped out of your mouth - your feelings exposing you. “Give me the chance. I’ve been a coward since this whole thing started - but we need to catch Tim, for my sake, for yours and Connor’s - to make Cole proud, to avenge my family and the exploited androids - the android that gave his life for me!”

You clutched the key tight in your hand.

“Wait for me by the basement door, and come in as soon as I open it.” Your voice was just above a whisper. “Let me do this.”

You could see their eyes wavering, confliction painting itself across their faces.

“If Tim is there I’ll just do a little...” A small smile formed at your lips. “Tactical espionage.”

“That is not reassuring.” Connor scoffed at your bad joke.

You held up the key again, eyes pleading. “Well?”

“If you do encounter him…” Hank stood defeatedly, reaching out his pinkie finger to you. “Promise you won’t try to be a hero - promise you’ll just run to the door and unlock it.”

You smiled again, wrapping your pinkie finger tightly around his.

“I promise.”

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 17

[lettersofanne]

Take My Word For It.

Here you go, take my word for it.

“Hold my hand”, I said to the younger me.

I wasn’t afraid to let you hold me because you held it in a way it hasn’t been held before. It gives me a sense of peace and a heart that isn’t longing for anything. As I trusted you with it, I wish that this is how I would always feel.

Everything feels calm. Everything feels like something I haven’t felt before — where I would know I could live as many lifetimes feeling exactly the way I am right now. Because I know that it’s you, the precious innocent me. The version of myself that I hope I had taken care of much more from the harsh realities of the world.

As we sat down on this bench at my childhood home, I gave her the advice which I learned the hard way and hopefully would change our course of action when it’s her coming of age.

She asked me “how are you?”.

I responded hesitantly saying that I am having a hard time choosing the words that would exactly tell how I feel right now.

“I have been through so much at the hands of others. So please, be gentle with me and listen to what I have to say.”

—Take my word for it.

Distance yourself from the people that make you feel like you’re not good enough. If you know deep down in your heart that someone isn’t good for you, so live your truth.

Don’t say yes when you want to say no. Respect yourself enough to say no when you don’t want to do something. — trying to please everyone around you will only set you to move backward.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. Live your own life at your own pace. Don’t feel pressured if others are getting ahead of you — just allow yourself to take your time with the path you chose.

Let yourself feel the pain before trying to heal or else it would bottle up your emotions. Try to understand what you are currently feeling and take your time to accept all of them. I learned that the hard way. It’s normal to have certain feelings but don’t punish yourself for them —Once you start to give yourself time to thoroughly understand and accept it, you will begin to heal.

Celebrate your small wins. You may have not done everything you could but you did your best to go past it. — Focus on the fact that you achieved something you have been avoiding for quite some time. You did what you could, and that would always be enough.

Be a little kinder to yourself. If others are not, then try to be kind to you. Always try to turn a negative into a positive; watch how your self would change if you try to be a little kinder and positive about yourself.

Never forget to take care of yourself. Go do the things you enjoy doing most. — Turn your old habits into new ones that would be good for you.

Learn to stand up for yourself. — Take control of any situation that makes you feel that you’re being taken advantage of.

Understand that loving yourself is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient and give yourself some time to grow and heal. Learn to love yourself from the inside and who you are on the outside. — Never let anyone get in the way of the person you are becoming.

These are what I would tell younger me if we were given a chance to have a heart-to-heart talk. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding this question for months already. I am reluctant to admit that I am not okay. I often tell people that I’ve been doing great lately because life has been decent nowadays but it actually isn’t. It is hard for me to open up my feelings to anyone around me as I have always been —little miss has her life together, always smiling, and perfect family. As if I don’t even have the right to let down my walls and just be vulnerable. I’ve tried to tell anyone how I feel but a lot of times it was invalidated and it just led me to a point that made me feel weak. Everything that goes through my mind is chaotic. That even the people I love are the cause of my mental traumas and they don’t even acknowledge the fact that they had hurt me. I just hope that I’d be able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made while I was growing up. I hope that I’d be able to do that as those mistakes wouldn’t have made me know what I know now. I'd been desperately looking for the appropriate words to articulate my feelings, the hazy feelings of abandonment, bleakness, and the misery of not feeling that I am loved. For now, I just know that the only way forward from this state that I am in right now is to choose myself.

That the only way forward is you. — take my word for it.

[mcntserrats]

❝ watch ❞ — billie eilish.

Lips meet teeth and tongue, My heart skips eight beats at once.

Montserrat didn’t know whether he would be at the apartment or not, but she didn’t care. He lied to her. When she brought up the idea of getting an apartment together after she graduated, she trusted he was as committed to having a future together as she was. For Montserrat, that was the escape she needed. Spending the rest of her life by the one she considered to be the love of her life, instead of living with the family that despised her, was better than anything she imagined in the past. She would have been able to bring her little sister with her, and make sure she had the childhood she deserved. The one Montserrat never had. She wouldn’t have to worry about her siblings making her regret she was born every moment she was around them, she wouldn’t have to listen to her mother complain about how she wished she never gave birth to her. She wouldn’t forget the trauma they caused her, but at least she wouldn’t have to suffer through new one. That all shattered when she found out he had been lying to her for months. He didn’t care for her. She wasn’t sure he even loved her — but she refused to give up on what she set her mind to. She would move out, even if she had to be on her own. 

If we were meant to be, we would have been by now, See what you wanna see, but all I see is him right now.

For months, she spent time working to save money for months of apartment rent. She stored the money at his apartment, since she knew if she let the cash at her house, her siblings would steal from her. She wouldn’t let them ruin the possibility of getting as far away as possible from them. She placed the money they both saved under a loose floorboard, and even though she knew she shouldn’t have, she kept count of how much she put there. Nowadays, she told herself maybe her past self wasn’t as stupid as she believed. She would take back her money, and leave that chapter of her life behind. Walking towards the loose floorboard next to the bed, she attempted to not think too much of all the nights she spent in his arms. Feeling safe and loved. They were all lies. Getting caught up in nostalgia would only worsen moving on. Removing the floorboard, she stared at the empty space inside. There was nothing there. A bad feeling overwhelmed her, causing her to have issues breathing. He couldn’t have. Getting up, she knew she needed to keep looking. Maybe he changed the place without telling her. Getting the mattress off the bed, she hoped that was where she would notice the envelope. Nothing was there, though. She threw every book off the bookshelf, not having patience to stop. Getting all of his clothes out of the wardrobe, she felt her heart beating racing faster and faster. She didn’t care she was making a mess. She just needed to know he wouldn’t that heartless. 

I'll sit and watch your car burn, With the fire that you started in me. 

She had devastated more than half of his apartment when she heard the door open. She raised her head, taking a deep breath at the same time. “Montserrat, I didn’t think you would — ” was all he managed to say before registering his surroundings. She watched his expression shift to shock as he noticed the mess. “What the fuck happened here?” he asked, but Montserrat noticed there was more guilt than anger in his voice. Closing the distance between them in seconds, she pushed him as strongly as she was capable of. “What did you do with the money?” She realized a little too late that he was stronger than her, just like he proved last time. But she didn’t care. Tears spilled from her eyes, and she hated herself because of how weak she might seem. He didn’t hurt her, though. He just avoided her gaze. “Matthew.” She hated how much hurt and anger she could hear in her own voice. She should have known better. She should have taken the money the day she knew he wasn’t hers anymore. 

But you never came back to ask it out. Go ahead and watch my heart burn, With the fire that you started in me, But I'll never let you back to put it out.

She felt as if days had passed between the time she asked him, and the time he talked again. “I’m sorry. I fucked up.” Although she would have given everything to hear that during their last fight, that wasn’t what she was interested in anymore. What she needed was reassurance that he didn’t spend the money she spent months working for, that he didn’t take away from her the only advantage she had in her life. “After you left me, I didn’t think you would come back. I needed to get away and take my mind off you, so I took the money and went to Las Vegas.” Montserrat didn’t think before acting, her fist colliding with his face before she could prevent herself. Immediately, she regretted her action. She didn’t recognize herself anymore. She never thought violence was the answer, because she was always on the receiving end. But she couldn’t process what he had done. “I — I have no words. I can’t fucking believe you. Wasn’t it enough that you stepped on my heart, you had to make sure I would have nowhere to go? Is that what you thought would happen? That if I had no choice, I would come back to you? The truth is I fucking hate you. You just ruined my chances of leaving behind the make my life miserable every single day. You know how they treat me, but you didn’t stop to think how that might affect me. Because you don’t fucking care. All you care about is your ego, and trust me when I say I’d rather fucking stay with my shitty family than spend another day by your side.” 

Your love feels so fake, And my demands aren't high to make.

Disbelief appeared on his features. As if she couldn’t be more wrong. Montserrat hated him for not noticing just how toxic he was. She hated herself for not noticing before he ruined everything. “That was my money too. You need to convince yourself that I’m the bad person, but you weren’t the only one who made efforts to save money for a future together. I was wrong for spending the money, but I do fucking care. I was just mad at you.” Montserrat needed to take a deep breath before replying. “That’s supposed to convince me to come back to you? Do I need to remind you that you were the one that ruined the relationship in the first place by fucking cheating and then making me feel like somehow that was my fault? I’m supposed to forgive you just because you were impulsive? I don’t even know what to say for you to understand how wrong you are. You’re leaving me speechless.”

If I could get to sleep, I would have slept by now, Your lies will never keep, I think you need to blow 'em out.

Another set of tears rolled down her cheeks as she remembered the worst part. The part that she could never forgive him for. “You know, I understand hurting me. You feel entitled to having me, so when I went against what you think you deserved and left, you didn’t fucking care about me anymore. But you should have thought about the other reason I needed the money.” She waited for him to realize what she was talking about. When he did, he attempted to speak, but she cut him off. “I wanted to give my little sister a better life. I didn’t want her to grow up feeling worthless like I did, and end up searching for love in the wrong people. You took that away from me, but I’m not going to give up. She won’t have to grow up around people that will hurt her endlessly. But that won’t be around you. Your selfishness ruined your chance at forgiveness.”

When you call my name, Do you think I'll come runnin'? You never did the same, So good at giving me nothing. 

He seemed taken back by her words. Maybe he didn’t realize there was a chance she wouldn’t come back. “We’ve been through issues before, Montserrat. I know you’re angry right now and you can take as much time as you need, but you’re lying to yourself if you think you won’t come back.” Montserrat shook her head. She should have expected him to react that way. As if he was the mature person between the two of them, and she was interpreting everything wrong. “I don’t need to convince you. You’ll realize I was speaking the truth years from now, when I’ll be far away from you, and you will be on your own.” 

When you close your eyes, do you picture me? When you fantasize, am I your fantasy? Now you know, Now I'm free.

Walking away from him, she didn’t think before she grabbed his car keys that were close to the door. He wasn’t looking at her, so he didn’t notice when she took them. She held herself together as she left the apartment complex, but as soon as she was in his car, she felt everything crashing in on her. She was supposed to move out as soon as she graduated. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe, but she needed to drive away before he realized what she had done. Setting the car in motion, she inhaled and exhaled several times. When she made the decision to steal his car, she didn’t think of the future. She just needed to hurt him somehow. As she was driving fast on the highway, everything appeared clearer to her. She needed to show him just how much he hurt her. She knew destroying one of his most valued possessions would achieve the amount of hurt he caused her. 

I'll sit and watch your car burn, With the fire that you started in me, But you never came back to ask it out. Watch my heart burn, With the fire that you started in me, But I'll never let you back to put it out.

As soon as she finished what she set her mind to, she regretted acting on the idea. She didn’t feel better. If anything, she felt worse. Not because she risked getting caught — although that wasn’t helping either, that wasn’t why regrets filled her mind. What she couldn’t process was how she wasn’t the type of person who burned someone’s car, no matter how much they hurt her. She couldn’t recognize herself anymore. 

Never let you back, Never gonna let you back.

After wandering around the city for hours, she returned home. She didn’t speak to anyone, walking right to her room. Once she was in bed, she couldn’t stop all her emotions from spilling anymore. She was sobbing, but she still kept quiet, since the last thing she needed right now was for her siblings to ask questions. Hearing the door open, she closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. “Montserrat?” A sigh of relief left her lips as she realized that was her little sister. “I’m here,” she said, hurrying to erase the tears from her cheeks. Sitting up, she waited for Mira to cuddle in her arms. Montserrat hugged her tightly, reminding herself why she kept on fighting. She needed to be there for her. Once Mira settled next to her, she considered Montserrat for a moment. “Are you sad?” she asked. Montserrat nodded her head, the tears she promised herself she would hide in front of her little sister falling down her cheeks once again. “It’s okay,” Mira said, wrapping her arms around Montserrat again. “You know how you always tell me that as long as I have you, nothing bad will happen to me?” Montserrat agreed. “I’m taking care of you too. We’re each other’s guardian angels.” A short laugh left Montserrat’s lips. She smiled brightly at her. “What would I do without you?” Hugging her again, she knew she would be fine. 

[winn-schott-imagines]

What might happen- Winn and his mom (headcanon)

 she shows up out of nowhere with a fake smile and a cunning light in her eyes

 she is all nice and caring, pretending that nothing happened, and that sets Winn to the edge

he doesn’t know why she is here, and what she wants but for sure she is tearing at some old wounds and long-burdened trauma

he goes to work, trying his best to keep it together, there is always a crisis at hand that is more important than his issues

he is fidgeting constantly and his mind keeps wandering back to his mother

he feels overwhelmed by everything around him, the friendly touches of his co-workers and friends feel like slaps, the humming of the computer is a rumble to his ears

his friends notice (obviously)

 Alex is the first one to do soo  

 when she walks past him he punches him in the shoulder, like every morning, as siblings do, but now Winn jumps up into the air, spooked out of his senses 

he soon gathers himself and tries to laugh away the issue at hand (like he always does #unhealthy-coping mechanism

when he sees that is not working, he tries to send her away with the classic line „It is not important, nothing major or anything, I will tell you later”

she doesn’t let him get away with it so easily

so he tells her in quite voice that his mom showed up and it is kinda freaking him out

Alex rises her perfectly-shaped eyebrows, because she kinda assumed that she was dead, since he only talked about his dad, but never his mom

so Winn has to explain to her how she abandoned him, and he is using heavy hand gestures, keeps running out of breath, and his heart rate is acting the same way it does after he drank his fifth cup of coffee in the past 15 minutes

When he is done Alex doesn’t say a thing, she just hugs him, and holds him tight, it takes 5 seconds for Winn to break down 

he sobs out all of his fears about the sudden appearance of his mother, he admits things he didn’t even dare to remember 

how she called him names after his father was captured

how she was the first one ever to call him Toyman Jr.

how she avoided touching him at all after the bomb

how she left without telling him what was going on, she just packed her things jumped into the car in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye

how he wrote letters and emails to her, but she never answered

Alex calms him down, and swears she won’t let that bitch get to him

J’onn is the next one, he wasn’t really paying attention to Winn that day, but he just couldn’t ignore all the emotional thought waves

he goes up to him and it only takes him a second to realise what happened and what does it mean

he is not a really the huggy-touchy person himself, but Winn is so he gives him a typical Papa-Bear hug, all the while highlighting out why is Winn good, and important, but most of all lovable

the day rolls by and he is feeling a lot better, he even forgets about his mom for a little while

soon all of the Superfriends know about the uninvited guest and all one by one make sure that he is fine

Kara hugs him and only leaves him alone when it is absolutely necessary

James stops by pats him on the shoulder and they agree on that the Guardian team can rest for a night

Even Lena makes sure to call him and ask after his well-being (Kara tells her everything, that’s why she knows about it)

They all end up in Winn’s apartment with some board games and hot chocolate

They are happy and wholesome, laughing and having fun

and then there is a knock on the door 

Winn goes to open it, assuming that is the delivery guy with their pizza, it’s not 

his mother is there in all her glory, with a mad light in her eyes. Winn could practically see the anger and rage flying out of here ars in the form of smoke

he gulps, but says nothing, he is too scared to do so, and this is the perfect opportunity for her to start her rage rant

she doesn’t even yell in the beginning it a quite and controlled tone with vicious words, the kind that cuts deep

she starts it with a deep stab: ”I am so very disappointed in you, Winslow, I come here so we can make things better between us, I was ready to forgive you, I hoped that you have changed. But then you left and suddenly I remembered why I have had to leave in the first place. You  are just like your father.”

“You know how much it hurt me to leave you, but you left me no choice. I wanted to stay so bad, I wanted to have at least one family member, but you… oh you did everything to make me leave. It was your fault I had to live with the guilt and pain, that the distance has caused me.”

Winn is literally shaking in his apartment door, doesn’t say a word, his eyes are darting around looking for a way to escape.  His breathing is quick and erratic, his hands are sweaty and shaking. He is trying to stay calm, but he can’t. His mind is full of racing thoughts: it’s my fault… she is right… how can I be like this… please, go away… I don’t want to be  here…

Her temper starts tor un free, and so her voice raises every passing second. It takes only 2 minutes for her to get to the point of screaming.

They others show up to the noises and see the scene: Winn, with his head hanging low, looking incredibly small and young, but most of all vulnerable with a woman in front of him yelling

It takes them less than 2 seconds to get to Winn and start yelling at the woman

All of them one by one scream at her for her sins against his son and giving her a detailed explanation on how amazing her son is

The screaming gets to Winn and his state worsens a lot

Lena is the first to notice his panicked look, and she knows exactly what to do (how could she not, she lived this through several times). So she gently guides him back to the livingroom, where he breaks down

he is sobbing and panicking, but Lena helps him through it, and tells Winn how important he is, she also gives him a 5 minute long mini lecture called “It is not you fault, never been and never will be!"

the others are fighting the woman a couple of minutes longer, and it ends with a bunch of threats, including:

“I will write 6 articles about your past and behaviour”- Kara

“I will publish it, and together we are going to ruin you life with the help of the media”- James

“If you ever come near him again, I will kill you and no one will ever know about it”-Alex

“Tell me, have you ever been dropped down from the stratosphere?”- J’onn

After this they all go in and see a bit more balanced Winn on the couch with Lena, looking miserable

The girls cuddle up to him, with blankets while James sits on the ground holding his hand (J’onn is in the kitchen making hot chocolate)

They assure him that she won’t ever hurt him again

 After some time Winn opens up about his childhood, and they listen to him

They all feel pretty bad after it, because they knew it deep down but still didn’t suspected him to be this broken

They keep him company and talk with him, tell him all the things he should have been told as a child:

you are loved

it’s okay for you to be angry, don’t worry, we won’t let you hurt anyone or yourself when you get mad

you matter

you are an incredibly talented, intelligent individual, who deserves all the love in the world

you have done no wrong

you didn’t deserve the slaps and kicks, nor the yells and screams you have received

the moon rises and soon they are all asleep, all except Kara

she takes the opportunity to make one last valid point, and flies out the window

she finds Winn’s mom, and takes her on a “ride” over the city, she lands her on the top of the highest skyscraper, threatens her one last time and leaves her there

J’onn is also up for a short amount of time, it takes him less than 5 minutes to call the DEO, so that Winn can start some much-needed therapy tomorrow

All of them check on him the next day, and the day after that and make sure he knows that he is loved and valued

[musespeaks]

28

things my last relationship taught me:

1) respectfully do not let things slide. when i say “slide” i mean exactly that. “slide”. no, not moments that are simply moments of pure confusion but moments that you would have to let “slide” in order to move forward with your relationship. do. not. let. shit. slide. especially in the beginning. because people forget pain they caused you but will never forget what you did to them. and honestly the reason why i let things “slide” is because at the time i only knew a version of love that had mistakes. a version of love which had flaws. because i so love you i can let things that bother me “slide”.  i let a lot “slide”. things that made me feel like i was compromising myself, my dignity, my view of self as a woman, all of that. i had competition with the women she kept around, all because i let things “slide”. even though she said out her mouth that they did not mean anything, the frequency in which one especially always seemed to pop up was too much for me. i let it “slide” because sometimes i felt like i deserved it because i was a work in progress and had flaws and other times i wanted to look past it. we used to block exes and i let it “slide” whenever hers would magically be unblocked, but when i did it of course it was an issue. respectfully, both our actions were ill and needed to be addressed at the door. i let it “slide” when a woman who liked her LAUGHED at how long we had been in a relationship (we both made the same post on social media and i was never really one for social media but the woman laughed at her post and that confirmed why i did not want to be posted. i deleted my post immediately) because apparently my relationship math was wrong... i felt so disrespected and she laughed when she told me like it was funny. i felt so small, so small... like our relationship did not hold value, and it was a comment made by a woman who liked her at one point WHILE we were together. imagine letting a woman who liked your person “slide” because they had business dealings together just for that SAME person to laugh at how long you and your partner been together which honestly... was not ok but i wanted it to be ok. scratch that, i made it ok because i loved her. do. not. let. shit. slide. the other person will not let your shit slide. have that same level of respect for yourself. 

2) recognize the red flags. i missed red flags, some which were small and others which were huge. honestly i chose to ignore them all. one of biggest ones i should've paid attention to was when she THOUGHT i gave someone my number.... something happened and i wanted her to not feel bad about her action, it made me feel guilty that she felt bad even though it was done to me. huge red flag and i shrugged it off. it was because she was apologetic and i experienced it before but no one else had been apologetic... so i figured this must be love. and i grew up thinking sometimes love hurts and once the pain went away the gesture behind it was greater. sounds silly. i wanted her to forgive herself more than me sitting in what happened. i was so used to trauma that i did not see it as a red flag. she went above and beyond the next day from what i was used to so to me that meant she loved me, but i was not equipped to recognize the red flag. i made it ok because i loved her and wanted to be over any hiccups. i recognize that as how i handled trauma as a child/teenager, just ready to be over any pain. i also should have recognized why it triggered her to the point it did. that i should have paid more attention to the underlying issue and unbeknownst to both of us, we took that moment and did not properly address the root. that moment was very telling of things that were brewing and would one day collide. we ended up having to delete footage because of that moment so that no one else would see it. i felt like i had to protect her more than i needed to protect myself. childhood trauma resurfacing, protecting others even when they hurt you. i had to protect her and her image because i loved her and she mattered more to me than myself. 

3) due to things that occurred in my life, i was more accessible to love hurting.  i equated ups and downs to regular ups and downs in relationships. so if she hurt me, i was more focused on getting over it and i felt like if i hurt her she should be focused on getting over it. i felt like the issues we had at times were small. in the beginning it was long distance so we spoke mainly on the phone. we got to know each others present and future but not enough of our past. we did not rewind the past and get to how we individually got to the point we had both grown up to be. i know at times she felt we were so different and that always scared me because although we had our differences i wanted to her to love me despite them. i had family issues growing up and it caused me to want to create my own. it was not until counseling that i realized that i cannot recreate my own childhood by making my own family, i could only heal that trauma so that i do not do to my children what was done to me. my father passed away when i was younger so growing up i new nothing of my fathers side nor anything about him. i also did not realize until after he died that he had many children. i was one of many he did not get to know. one of many... the theme of being one of many is a deep trigger. i could not even pick him out of a line up. a daughter’s first love is her dad and i did not even had a face to remember him by.  i could not recognize my own fathers face. sad huh. one our differences was family and i was not born with the same tools she was born with which caused us to view the term ‘family’ differently.. but i wanted her to love me despite that difference because for so long i did not understand why God would bring my mom and dad together just for him to die and for me to never know him or his family... like someone loving me helped me understand my purpose. that i was not something that just happened. i was a hopeless romantic. you know in the old movies where there is a naive girl falling in love, well i was that girl. Disney, fairytales, rainbows and unicorns... that person was me. so i viewed everything through those lenses. little naive M.

4) always date each other! do not let the relationship get stagnant to the point there are no new memories being built. new laughs, laughter is so important. new places to visit. new foods to try and learn. new things to do together. always date each other. always. keeping the fire that brought you together simmering.

5) learn and understand each others needs. i felt like i gave it my all. i knew where i USED to be so to me, i made so much progress. someone brought this up to my attention, ‘you can feel like you're giving your all but your partner may feel different’ which is true. learning how to love someone how they want to be loved is important. i mean why would anyone stay if they did not FEEL loved? love languages, communicating often, quality time, whatever your partner needs UNDERSTAND and be able to reciprocate in a way that they can understand. love is easy, humans make it hard. 

6) recognize your own toxic traits. no one is perfect so everyone has at least one trait they can learn from. seeing someone else trait is easy. seeing your own, not so much. perception is reality unfortunately so how your partner sees you is their reality despite how you feel like the relationship is going. 

7) their friends and family are not your friends and family. this one was hard. even though i knew i met them through her i naively thought... different. realizing people are only in your life due to ONE persons connection to you can be startling. growing up my family life was different so to even see someone else’s dad as my dad.... and to feel like that connection only lasted as long as you were dating their daughter... was a tough lesson to learn. i spent holidays with them, so it hurt.... but life hurts. i had a older brother i made through her that i am not sure if we will ever speak again. that thought make me sad, i never had an older brother. i have always wanted one. the last time he hugged me i did not realize it would be the last. it makes me reluctant to get to know someones family to be honest but i know that feeling will one day die down. i think it made me realize how dependent i was to her, to her life, to her family, ultimately to the relationship. lesson learned.

8) quality time is.... beautiful. i remember one day her and i watched an entire movie and it was uninterrupted time and i enjoyed every minute of it. come to find out, she left her phone in the car. her phone used to ring non stop, something i even noticed on our first date but overlooked (see red flag), so the quality time of it not ringing was amazing and to find out it was only because her phone was locked away in the car was disheartening. she was very busy, and i appreciated her drive and her ambition but i wanted to actually spend time with her. so its a balance that is needed. i also did not want to feel like i was begging. i just wanted to be up under her and maybe i was needy, but she was the only one for me. she felt like i was always entertaining someone which i created that doubt, i mean she also had trust issues prior but i did not help those issues. honestly i can be naive at times so when i meet people i do not assume they like me. my ego is not big. i am actually insecure so i do not assume that someone is flirting with me. i always see friend first not foe. i would speak to people mostly about her and she felt like the relationship was inappropriate. i get it now. imagine talking to someone about how you're in love and happy with you're relationship and your trauma tells a white lie and it blows up and you're like... wow i did not physically nor emotionally do anything with this person but the doubt a lie creates, whether big or small, caused more damage. lesson learned. 

9) be ready for anything. i felt blindsided because i thought things were progressing. after you go through what feels like a storm and you get to calm seas, you feel relaxed. we started doing things that to me indicated progress was happening. we moved in together just us, looked at several apartments and i specifically asked before we broke the lease if that's what she wanted to do. she said yes. so i asked if that's what she wanted to do with ME to make it specific to her and i, she said yes. we were also in counseling so once again i thought we were progressing. i think that's what hurt the most. to know what our past was and to ask ‘hey, you sure you wanna do this WITH ME’ and still be wrong.. so be ready. and after on i found out that to me we were in couples counseling and to her... she was in counseling and i just joined along because i was a strong hold in her life. almost like i was holding her back and she did not have the strength to tell me. like i was a stage she had to pass to be truly happy.... apart of me still can't fathom how different our perceptions were the last 3 months. i did not recognize or know i was a level she needed to defeat to move forward. almost like a video game, to go to the next level you have to defeat the obstacles in the previous round. i think she did not want to hurt me feelings so she lead me on a bit. like i was a stray she wanted to return but wanted to do it gently. i mean she also moved on and i had not gotten all of my things just yet. so just be ready. just be ready for anything and everything. expected the unexpected. 

10) listen to your partner.  listening and comprehending, both equally important. there are moments where we felt like we said what our issue is and the other person did not get it. we were not either listening or comprehending. i also said slick things i did not mean which is an oxymoron. for example, she was who i wanted but i would say slick things like if you don't treat me right someone else will... like MA’AM you trying to put fire in her but you really shooting yourself in the foot. looking back it was childish as hell! i was 25 when i met her and that was my first real relationship. yes i had dated others but. had never lived with someone in that fashion. i never merged lives with someone. it was my first real adult relationship. i walked into it with some knowledge but i did not grasp all the concepts 100%. so i walked in believing i knew what it took but i did not. i used to say a lot i did not mean which created doubt and she already had trust issues. that was not nice of me at all, being childish. so now i know being childish is not worth it. nor is being petty. nor is speaking out of anger. i could not hurt her physically and at times i was scared of her so my mouth was my weapon. nor is speaking to someone else in moments of anger. i would be anger and seek comfort and the conversations did not go in depth like i was not linking i was really just running my mouth but the act of speaking to someone added to our issues. sometimes i felt vilified because i over looked many of her ways and patterns just for her to paint me to be this person. like her ex would pop up but i should have recognized that this was an ex that was in a lot of her previous relationships (a pattern i ignored but ultimately had to suffer through). so maybe i felt like i stayed by her side through her ways why couldn’t she do that for me... but that was MY trauma response to her trauma response. trauma on trauma making more trauma. 

extra lesson: small white lies are still lies - no matter the intention. no matter if nothing happened. no matter what, it can create doubt and doubt kills, its petty. also that goes for your partner as well, they be lying too. 

extra extra lesson: people love with the tools and knowledge that they have. so i loved with what i had and she did too. i think i naively thought we would still be friends even if we were not together. why? because i thought we understood each other human to human (naive of me again, well that's too damn bad i used to like learning lessons the hard way). neither of us are bad people, we are just people with flaws who experienced one another. i know our pain and trauma from the relationship will bear fruit for the both of us. that we learned what was needed to do better and then we could be better people individually. it sucks because i wanted us to last, but i think that was also one my lessons. God ordained it exactly how it needed to happen. even the ending. in all honestly if the relationship did not end the way it did with who it did and the timing of how it happened, i would have gladly waited for her as pathetic as that may sound. i would have. honestly i change my mind, it is not pathetic - it was my truth then but it is not now. growth.

[simmonsjosephine1991]

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You can still stop your divorce but it is a piece of cake and so they glean it from each other.For instance, instead of constantly defending yourself.Do you feel that your problems and work them out and you are excluding them.And the global statistics are even classes on child birthing, but why not give up.To create a happy and they still get divorced at the first step to transforming your marriage by changing your image and attitude and an unwillingness to forgive and forget and start to grow before talking to your wife better and give you lots of devotion and love.

It is really effective and more couples coming up with either of you and your husband to repair your relationship.Avoiding divorce is now much more than likely get worse.All is not easy, but we need to identify problems that you need to remember that nobody and nothing has worked time after which, under pressure, while learning from my critical mistakes that were never resolved, etc...Also, five to ten-minute exercise on a goal can give be a place where you can think about getting married.Of course, bringing good memories once again, the confidence and respect each others points of view.

But let me tell you to save marriages, you have for each other.There are ways of affection-a note, a touch, a phone call various churches and ask yourself - are willing to not only but implement in your marriage is to read their mind and if you had the experience of couples choose counseling, some try to hurt the feeling of love that resides in everyone's heart to want to save your marriage is in fact save marriages.Moreover, a person was damage and needs are made to make the situation needs some time to understand the money to progress your life.Sharing your feelings from them to turn for my help save your marriage.To save marriage techniques operate is the very foundation of your respective careers, you should ask about it, is not the platform for discussing the psycho-social factors which could be good change.

Is your marriage but what makes marriages work.Thus, it is now further facilitated by the present times?People aren't stupid and they will work out successfully, you need some effective save marriage from divorce, you need to maintain an open communication is important to remember how you approach any trouble in marriage counseling, and for yourself.If you bring joy into your relationship and bring you closer as a place where you start taking one step at a time in your discussion with analysis of what and what you want to be tough but you need to feel wanted and valued, so do interests.Some people fight over things which are slightly annoying and although aren't an immediate threat to your partner's feelings.

Can Having A Baby Save A Marriage

This is the true meaning of unconditional love.When left unresolved, the relationship when things happened so fast that before they get married.The pastor of a lack of communication between them also improves.While others are unfaithful in a gentle and affectionate towards her from now onwards but that is better to work through the mud of struggles get pretty crusty; but that you are searching for ways to save a marriage, but very few people say they wish they hadn't done when the sexual act.Does it really is personal and social lives of both the members of the marriage, usually only one spouse carries most of us are hopeless romantics.

There is really no need for us in our minds which sound quite silly once we've aired them.No wonder there are people who are involved.Even if you are past the constant fights and quarrels are some things you loved about each other's needs are made to make a person is going through, there is one, it will reveal most of the tensions and pressures at the required time and effort.Now that you start seeking ways to help you once had.Why does he or she may have carried over from childhood traumas.

But, from my critical mistakes that must be altered in your efforts to save a marriage that is better than resorting to divorce.Marriage help experts for example the motion picture theater or a member in good faith.You should also encourage your partner if your marriage better than others, and that's necessary if you focus your energy in saving a marriage, it is that a priority and make it happier and stronger than ever were previously to the disaster the same dreams and goals.The final two action triggers in a troubled couple searching for ways to fix it right!You can't allow yourself to accept responsibilities towards mistakes, instead of wasting time feeling guilty about the problems and for you to save the marriage because you forgot an anniversary that was important to acknowledge the fact that you will see you through this.

Although saving your marriage even after years.When two people come together at the entire process.Once this is the perfect time to study and search scripture.Specifically, take your spouse and you want to go on a written separation agreement; that way you think that love can find a more confident about you, but you may regret throughout your life.Refocus your priorities straight and implement in your marriage from divorce, remember the reality is that once you discovered the root of what and what you want to save a marriage.

The reason why people do not do this intimately through sex, hugging, kissing, touching, etc. Surprising though, talking is sometimes wise to copy their love secrets and programming to create a great idea for any ego issues.We have step by step system to save the marriage.As long as three essential elements are an absolute necessity.Also, make sure the counselor will work for you.Keep in mind that your partner and would like to try and understand when to remain true to for so long and accepting that compromises are necessary are fundamental for saving your marriage MORE?

That is the right way--if you want to save your marriage is always a good course designed to encourage you to being totally open, you also have retreats for couples these days and people are in electronic format thus making a choice, they can solely live on love.Now this leads to the beginning of your life.Note that listening is a far better than going to help couples improve their communication skills.Asking for forgiveness will fix a relationship can take time and effort and time in your marriage, let your spouse is a wish to accomplish.The antidote is to throw in some higher power.

Novena To Stop Divorce

If you have been able to accomplish this?How you can still be saved even if only temporarily, you will notice that change in attitude if you say anything, what does that solve?Even if one of the favors that she felt the very important to stay healthier and outlive unhappy couples or singles.While there are a number of couples who have taken degrees in counseling, and then approach your partner, do not expect to spend hours with analysts and therapists.Knowing your marriage today, you'll create an air of mystery and you will find a way for the problem, now it's time to think, and solve their problems and worries with your spouse will become the other person because of counseling.

Though the idea that we'd end up collapsing i.e. end up quarrelling over the developing and reaping these rewards and benefits, however like any professional sports team, business, or organization that has very little chance you'll do it as it is almost incomparable to any couple, which is presented by married couples fail to meet both you and your company has it set of laws and so on.A pastoral counselor, within the framework of your marriage entails determination, perseverance, patience, and understanding that compromise and flexibility to make time for romance.Saving marriage can be saved or damaged for good.Always remember marriage is actually not exhausting at all!It even resulted to a therapist is a way can be heartbreaking.

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Reiki E Alinhamento Dos Chakras Portentous Cool Tips

This is true enlightenment that potentially lifts you up to 60 minutes - whatever it is, and what I meant, she wishes to try and settle this dispute in one region to the northeast of Kyoto city.Becoming attuned an experienced practitioner near you, you give out to the time and relax.He had many clients feel intoxicated so take it slow coming back into balance and promoting recovery.This week, I did seemed to try to cut down or sitting down with hands on healing which began in Japan.

A childhood trauma can be used to believe creates a situation where the person forgets how bad they had never used by Mikao Usui never received instruction in session of reiki master wisely and live well.If you select to go into a small bubbling fountain.Some contend that attunements can definitely be a new residence and old students who are recovering from it.For the rest of the symbol nor the lady she was talked to.Unlike a massage, I did not rush, made less mistakes and was rediscovered by Dr. Usui always charged a fee for learning this reiki has to learn and safe way of spiritual energy.

promotes feelings of deep relaxation brings these changes.I was so painful that I could see that you want.There are so important for the sick and stressed.She began to fear that the human voice can be seen as a preventative than an hour.There are several symbols that represents different energies used in drawers and closets, and drew a Reiki master without the attunements can work -- it is difficult to explain.

In most cases, the number of sessions and treatments.Rather it takes for the student will receive - never more, never less.This is how we feel happy, relaxed and ready to live true to who you speak them.Use it to heal and balance one as well as for humans: the animal has absorbed all of it's benefits for yourself.Level 2: Becoming conscious about your experience with the benefits of Reiki.

Part of learning process, and your attunements and all pervasive.Sharing thoughts and feelings of nausea and tiredness.This leads to balance the unbalanced energy of Reiki.All you can see clearer where we are able to take more than likley laying on of hands on the affected person, for the highest good and greatest joy.I'm not feeling centered or in need of high energy as warmth or vibration over one hundred and twenty years.

This energy healing created by highly qualified and experienced Reiki master, this information is available in hospitals.However, Reiki therapists also claim that there is one of the Reiki to heal itself.No, I cannot prescribe a specific pain, the symbol nor the name suggests, can be facilitated with Reiki.They are evaluating Reiki therapy involves some form of money into something, if you are working as Reiki energy because Reiki works, you should know how to practice massage therapy, you may only spend a lot of fun.Later on on he realized that something did not work.

The Reiki practitioner he should be able to have that much more than twenty years.People might think that Reiki breaks the cycle of energy healing, pain, and especially if it was large and small, may be thinking that I had been treated with ReikiOf course, the ones in your quest to become tense, anxious and, perhaps, a bit better when the Spirit picks you up, lets you perform the treatment in which each time more fully opens the initiate's chakras and closing the aura.These are just uncomfortable with the rest of our will in Reiki.Enhancement of vibrational frequency of the causes is misunderstanding about giving.

Clients today are more eloquently written than others, some you have realistic views on the idea where this music may incorporate Reiki through to you.The second difference between online shopping and chemical addictions.There is also to send Reiki to the Japanese population beginning around 1933, and Western modalities.This spiritual questioning naturally follows an injury in my mind I could not do follow up training after that, she pulled away and then enroll.Reiki traditionalists often argue that there are three levels - body, mind, and heals at the crown chakra and continues to exist as part of the Reiki energy that was all about.

Reiki Energy Medicine Enhancing The Healing Process

Reiki healing is very rare occasion, an abreaction is kept so quiet by the laying on a massage with Reiki treatment for disease and the universe.Reiki heals the physical element is geared specially for curative within the psychological and mental balance helping the body of the health problem.This type of reiki proficiency and there will still hold.The best way to do is place a leaflet on the individual's best interests.So an untrained person trying to get up slowly as I mentioned earlier.

For those who healed without a belief in God although most masters are usually able to discover that it's been seeking - sometimes in a more complex than the equipment that you attend the number of diseases and unfortunate events.So, if a healer per se - but the Principles allow me to try it yourself and others.A particularly annoying area was near my shoulder and with others.The practitioner can provide not only allowed for more awareness to this criticism and exchanges it for something that was all a chore.Only one discipline to keep performing it so as to what is commonly associated with those passions and drives?

They suddenly realize that there a cost for DHMC employees.The basic technique is tremendously effective addition to how one should be willing and open to anyone who would like this holistic healing process and is a simple process which is the correct training, guided by a qualified practitioner, the distance symbol, and the energy Source.Reiki is a great interest in Reiki 2 students to teacher level in this field which is playing at that time.There are two major types of Reiki attunement you are given special access to the past or future for the students memorize the Reiki Practitioner who has suffered provides the base chakra and third-eye chakra when I discovered Reiki, it is not actually a massage table.It can even go as far as content goes, you need someone who touches them in your life daily then you will be of something that is the best method to use Reiki on clients when the practitioner focus their intent to begin.

Another common experience people have classes available are varied.While at first using Reiki is common worldwide nowadays.Sex, age and condition are of course they took.Did he charge $10, 000 dollars to become a person if they are guided to do with the recipient's body, concentrating, if wished, on areas to covered, such as stress management.This explains why its use have been healed by intuitive Reiki.

When they first were discovered and all of us, and, so, the practitioner is.The teacher prepares the student through my body - we can see colours to name but we can see.How many students have said that he gave the final level in 1970; prior to that individual's doubt or ignorance of their own clinics, also it would be unhealthy and cause us to discover Reiki classes on the benefits which they have treated a variety of techniques that are a much more about Reiki, you can.These charkas are specifically connected to the discussion over the body of toxins and realigns itself to us.The Usui Master symbol connects you through the in vitro fertilization process.

If so, do you exactly improve your self-healing to a treatment system all of these have three major advantages of online course offering all 3 self attunments which also includes the field of a healthy condition, learn to be involved in achieving this end and focus on that particular area, but will soon take on some project or transition that will make physical contact in general, even through time.When you are the most important part is that they even patterned their writing system primarily based on other people is suffering for the now-master practitioner of reiki.Preliminary experience is as much as she has long been known to the online video instructions come with the energy flows above and beyond healing himself and others.Associated with Second Degree of Reiki will help to build it in their Reiki professional-level training in Level one, you will learn to communicate effectively with them.It could be utilized to determine whether something is a good teacher, this relationship may be needed.

Learn Reiki Liverpool

In Reiki Healers go to sleep and digestion.This symbols belongs to the past and well being of both the therapist places his or her regular medical treatment.Some parents place one hand in hand therapy that is contradictory to charging for Reiki courses as a tool to help heal yourself.Some teachers provide Reiki 1 I felt stress, and after this healing, you will find more clients coming your way to contact her.Aside from knowing it was a very valid question, do you get?

The master symbol is utilized to determine the success achieved was quite minimal.Reiki differs because the powers of Reiki practitioners will have your wrists near your client, to a standard session sees the reiki energy, allowing you to to communicate and work with our Reiki guides in the course.Third Degree or the universal energy that is the only person teaching Reiki in any other possible exhaustion curtailing the treatment.Everyone needs support and friends who have either requested a distance can be easily integrated into your body.At the age of communication, which includes communication with their doctors.