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musespeaks · 4 years ago

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things my last relationship taught me:

1) respectfully do not let things slide. when i say “slide” i mean exactly that. “slide”. no, not moments that are simply moments of pure confusion but moments that you would have to let “slide” in order to move forward with your relationship. do. not. let. shit. slide. especially in the beginning. because people forget pain they caused you but will never forget what you did to them. and honestly the reason why i let things “slide” is because at the time i only knew a version of love that had mistakes. a version of love which had flaws. because i so love you i can let things that bother me “slide”. i let a lot “slide”. things that made me feel like i was compromising myself, my dignity, my view of self as a woman, all of that. i had competition with the women she kept around, all because i let things “slide”. even though she said out her mouth that they did not mean anything, the frequency in which one especially always seemed to pop up was too much for me. i let it “slide” because sometimes i felt like i deserved it because i was a work in progress and had flaws and other times i wanted to look past it. we used to block exes and i let it “slide” whenever hers would magically be unblocked, but when i did it of course it was an issue. respectfully, both our actions were ill and needed to be addressed at the door. i let it “slide” when a woman who liked her LAUGHED at how long we had been in a relationship (we both made the same post on social media and i was never really one for social media but the woman laughed at her post and that confirmed why i did not want to be posted. i deleted my post immediately) because apparently my relationship math was wrong... i felt so disrespected and she laughed when she told me like it was funny. i felt so small, so small... like our relationship did not hold value, and it was a comment made by a woman who liked her at one point WHILE we were together. imagine letting a woman who liked your person “slide” because they had business dealings together just for that SAME person to laugh at how long you and your partner been together which honestly... was not ok but i wanted it to be ok. scratch that, i made it ok because i loved her. do. not. let. shit. slide. the other person will not let your shit slide. have that same level of respect for yourself.

2) recognize the red flags. i missed red flags, some which were small and others which were huge. honestly i chose to ignore them all. one of biggest ones i should've paid attention to was when she THOUGHT i gave someone my number.... something happened and i wanted her to not feel bad about her action, it made me feel guilty that she felt bad even though it was done to me. huge red flag and i shrugged it off. it was because she was apologetic and i experienced it before but no one else had been apologetic... so i figured this must be love. and i grew up thinking sometimes love hurts and once the pain went away the gesture behind it was greater. sounds silly. i wanted her to forgive herself more than me sitting in what happened. i was so used to trauma that i did not see it as a red flag. she went above and beyond the next day from what i was used to so to me that meant she loved me, but i was not equipped to recognize the red flag. i made it ok because i loved her and wanted to be over any hiccups. i recognize that as how i handled trauma as a child/teenager, just ready to be over any pain. i also should have recognized why it triggered her to the point it did. that i should have paid more attention to the underlying issue and unbeknownst to both of us, we took that moment and did not properly address the root. that moment was very telling of things that were brewing and would one day collide. we ended up having to delete footage because of that moment so that no one else would see it. i felt like i had to protect her more than i needed to protect myself. childhood trauma resurfacing, protecting others even when they hurt you. i had to protect her and her image because i loved her and she mattered more to me than myself.

3) due to things that occurred in my life, i was more accessible to love hurting. i equated ups and downs to regular ups and downs in relationships. so if she hurt me, i was more focused on getting over it and i felt like if i hurt her she should be focused on getting over it. i felt like the issues we had at times were small. in the beginning it was long distance so we spoke mainly on the phone. we got to know each others present and future but not enough of our past. we did not rewind the past and get to how we individually got to the point we had both grown up to be. i know at times she felt we were so different and that always scared me because although we had our differences i wanted to her to love me despite them. i had family issues growing up and it caused me to want to create my own. it was not until counseling that i realized that i cannot recreate my own childhood by making my own family, i could only heal that trauma so that i do not do to my children what was done to me. my father passed away when i was younger so growing up i new nothing of my fathers side nor anything about him. i also did not realize until after he died that he had many children. i was one of many he did not get to know. one of many... the theme of being one of many is a deep trigger. i could not even pick him out of a line up. a daughter’s first love is her dad and i did not even had a face to remember him by. i could not recognize my own fathers face. sad huh. one our differences was family and i was not born with the same tools she was born with which caused us to view the term ‘family’ differently.. but i wanted her to love me despite that difference because for so long i did not understand why God would bring my mom and dad together just for him to die and for me to never know him or his family... like someone loving me helped me understand my purpose. that i was not something that just happened. i was a hopeless romantic. you know in the old movies where there is a naive girl falling in love, well i was that girl. Disney, fairytales, rainbows and unicorns... that person was me. so i viewed everything through those lenses. little naive M.

4) always date each other! do not let the relationship get stagnant to the point there are no new memories being built. new laughs, laughter is so important. new places to visit. new foods to try and learn. new things to do together. always date each other. always. keeping the fire that brought you together simmering.

5) learn and understand each others needs. i felt like i gave it my all. i knew where i USED to be so to me, i made so much progress. someone brought this up to my attention, ‘you can feel like you're giving your all but your partner may feel different’ which is true. learning how to love someone how they want to be loved is important. i mean why would anyone stay if they did not FEEL loved? love languages, communicating often, quality time, whatever your partner needs UNDERSTAND and be able to reciprocate in a way that they can understand. love is easy, humans make it hard.

6) recognize your own toxic traits. no one is perfect so everyone has at least one trait they can learn from. seeing someone else trait is easy. seeing your own, not so much. perception is reality unfortunately so how your partner sees you is their reality despite how you feel like the relationship is going.

7) their friends and family are not your friends and family. this one was hard. even though i knew i met them through her i naively thought... different. realizing people are only in your life due to ONE persons connection to you can be startling. growing up my family life was different so to even see someone else’s dad as my dad.... and to feel like that connection only lasted as long as you were dating their daughter... was a tough lesson to learn. i spent holidays with them, so it hurt.... but life hurts. i had a older brother i made through her that i am not sure if we will ever speak again. that thought make me sad, i never had an older brother. i have always wanted one. the last time he hugged me i did not realize it would be the last. it makes me reluctant to get to know someones family to be honest but i know that feeling will one day die down. i think it made me realize how dependent i was to her, to her life, to her family, ultimately to the relationship. lesson learned.

8) quality time is.... beautiful. i remember one day her and i watched an entire movie and it was uninterrupted time and i enjoyed every minute of it. come to find out, she left her phone in the car. her phone used to ring non stop, something i even noticed on our first date but overlooked (see red flag), so the quality time of it not ringing was amazing and to find out it was only because her phone was locked away in the car was disheartening. she was very busy, and i appreciated her drive and her ambition but i wanted to actually spend time with her. so its a balance that is needed. i also did not want to feel like i was begging. i just wanted to be up under her and maybe i was needy, but she was the only one for me. she felt like i was always entertaining someone which i created that doubt, i mean she also had trust issues prior but i did not help those issues. honestly i can be naive at times so when i meet people i do not assume they like me. my ego is not big. i am actually insecure so i do not assume that someone is flirting with me. i always see friend first not foe. i would speak to people mostly about her and she felt like the relationship was inappropriate. i get it now. imagine talking to someone about how you're in love and happy with you're relationship and your trauma tells a white lie and it blows up and you're like... wow i did not physically nor emotionally do anything with this person but the doubt a lie creates, whether big or small, caused more damage. lesson learned.

9) be ready for anything. i felt blindsided because i thought things were progressing. after you go through what feels like a storm and you get to calm seas, you feel relaxed. we started doing things that to me indicated progress was happening. we moved in together just us, looked at several apartments and i specifically asked before we broke the lease if that's what she wanted to do. she said yes. so i asked if that's what she wanted to do with ME to make it specific to her and i, she said yes. we were also in counseling so once again i thought we were progressing. i think that's what hurt the most. to know what our past was and to ask ‘hey, you sure you wanna do this WITH ME’ and still be wrong.. so be ready. and after on i found out that to me we were in couples counseling and to her... she was in counseling and i just joined along because i was a strong hold in her life. almost like i was holding her back and she did not have the strength to tell me. like i was a stage she had to pass to be truly happy.... apart of me still can't fathom how different our perceptions were the last 3 months. i did not recognize or know i was a level she needed to defeat to move forward. almost like a video game, to go to the next level you have to defeat the obstacles in the previous round. i think she did not want to hurt me feelings so she lead me on a bit. like i was a stray she wanted to return but wanted to do it gently. i mean she also moved on and i had not gotten all of my things just yet. so just be ready. just be ready for anything and everything. expected the unexpected.

10) listen to your partner. listening and comprehending, both equally important. there are moments where we felt like we said what our issue is and the other person did not get it. we were not either listening or comprehending. i also said slick things i did not mean which is an oxymoron. for example, she was who i wanted but i would say slick things like if you don't treat me right someone else will... like MA’AM you trying to put fire in her but you really shooting yourself in the foot. looking back it was childish as hell! i was 25 when i met her and that was my first real relationship. yes i had dated others but. had never lived with someone in that fashion. i never merged lives with someone. it was my first real adult relationship. i walked into it with some knowledge but i did not grasp all the concepts 100%. so i walked in believing i knew what it took but i did not. i used to say a lot i did not mean which created doubt and she already had trust issues. that was not nice of me at all, being childish. so now i know being childish is not worth it. nor is being petty. nor is speaking out of anger. i could not hurt her physically and at times i was scared of her so my mouth was my weapon. nor is speaking to someone else in moments of anger. i would be anger and seek comfort and the conversations did not go in depth like i was not linking i was really just running my mouth but the act of speaking to someone added to our issues. sometimes i felt vilified because i over looked many of her ways and patterns just for her to paint me to be this person. like her ex would pop up but i should have recognized that this was an ex that was in a lot of her previous relationships (a pattern i ignored but ultimately had to suffer through). so maybe i felt like i stayed by her side through her ways why couldn’t she do that for me... but that was MY trauma response to her trauma response. trauma on trauma making more trauma.

extra lesson: small white lies are still lies - no matter the intention. no matter if nothing happened. no matter what, it can create doubt and doubt kills, its petty. also that goes for your partner as well, they be lying too.

extra extra lesson: people love with the tools and knowledge that they have. so i loved with what i had and she did too. i think i naively thought we would still be friends even if we were not together. why? because i thought we understood each other human to human (naive of me again, well that's too damn bad i used to like learning lessons the hard way). neither of us are bad people, we are just people with flaws who experienced one another. i know our pain and trauma from the relationship will bear fruit for the both of us. that we learned what was needed to do better and then we could be better people individually. it sucks because i wanted us to last, but i think that was also one my lessons. God ordained it exactly how it needed to happen. even the ending. in all honestly if the relationship did not end the way it did with who it did and the timing of how it happened, i would have gladly waited for her as pathetic as that may sound. i would have. honestly i change my mind, it is not pathetic - it was my truth then but it is not now. growth.

#poertry #relationships #breakup #letterstoGod #2020 #lesbian #newmoon #november2020

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