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roosterforme · 1 year ago

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The Younger Kind Part 32 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: Bradley is used to feeling comfortable around you, so when he arrives home and things feel strained, he wants to understand why. The more you tell him about what has you so upset, the more he wants to try to fix everything. But you don't know if he can do anything to mend your confidence.

Warnings: Angst, swearing, fluff, and age gap (18+)

Length: 5600 words

Pairing: Single dad!Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x babysitter!female reader

Check out my masterlist for more! The Younger Kind masterlist.

Nat called and texted the next day to check in with you and Noah. It didn't matter how many times you lied and told her that you were just fine, she said she wanted to be sure. But you knew you were barely holding on, and the next two days without Bradley were going to be really hard.

Because now it wasn't just the USB drive. It was also your hand. And the broken glass. And the way Noah cried. You were currently curled up in Bradley's bed with Noah sound asleep in your arms, and you didn't even want to go to work tomorrow. Your hand was aching, and the gash looked terrible. Even though you had done your best with it, you knew you should have gone for stitches. But you also knew it was too late for that now.

After a moment of contemplation, you decided to keep Noah in bed with you for the night. You opened up your email one more time with the arrival instructions from Bradley even though you had them memorized. But you didn't want to mess this up.

When you got to work the next morning, while you were still trying to decide if you should report the break in, another layer of embarrassment was added. Dr. Kelly pulled you aside and glanced down at your hand as she said, "Would you like me to take a look at that?"

You'd done a pretty terrible job of bandaging it up on your own. "Sure," you said softly, and she unwrapped it and winced.

"This didn't happen at work, did it?"

"No," you replied quickly. "At home."

She met your eyes with startled ones. "This is a nasty, irregular cut. You live with your boyfriend, correct?" When you nodded, she added, "If there's any sort of issue with... violence at home, please know that you can always come to me."

Your jaw dropped open, and you gasped. "No! He's not even here, he's deployed! It was an accident!"

"Okay," she said right away. "I believe you. Let me get it cleaned up. It's looking angry, and you should have probably gone somewhere for stitches over the weekend."

Instead of responding, you silently followed her to one of the exam rooms where she carefully disinfected your palm and applied an adhesive that would work on your skin. "I can reapply it later this week for you."

"Thanks." As you got back to work, you were starting to think you should have reported the incident with the police. Panic rose inside you as you were instructed to prepare some vaccination syringes for the ten year old in exam room five.

Should you wait until Bradley got home on Wednesday? Should you call the police after work today? Your cut up hand was bad enough, but Noah could have been the one who got hurt. And you'd honestly never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to him. You had protected him from Meredith in the park, so why was this any different?

You rushed back to Bradley's house after work and ran inside, completely exasperated by his old man tendencies. You had to search for the list of phone numbers he gave you which would have been much better if he just saved them to your contacts in your phone.

Noah needed to be picked up in the next forty minutes, and you didn't know how long she would be in her office, but you tried to reach Tracy anyway. When you gave your name to her receptionist, you were shocked that he put you right through to Bradley's lawyer.

"I hope Bradley thanked you for me. The Red Bulls were very sweet of you."

You laughed at Tracy in spite of the fact that you felt like crying. "It's the least I could do." Then you took a deep breath and said, "I was wondering if there is any way you can help me? I don't want to end up with Bradley having to pay you if you give me advice over the phone or anything like that. But I think I need some help right now even though he should be back on Wednesday."

"Your boyfriend basically has me on retainer for you. What do you need?" Tracy asked.

"Retainer?" you asked. No, that couldn't be right.

"I was given explicit instructions to help you with anything you might call about. We're not going to worry about any billing, because he certainly wasn't worried, okay? What can I do for you?"

You sucked in a deep breath as you paced around the kitchen. You felt defeated. That damn USB drive was on top of the refrigerator. The coffee machine you could barely figure out how to use was on the counter. The list of phone numbers in Bradley's handwriting was on the table. So you walked out back and forced yourself to say, "I think Meredith broke into my rental which I had already moved out of. And I saw her at a gas station before that."

There was a long enough pause that you were about to repeat yourself, but then she said, "I think that if she did break into your rental, it was purely out of spite. Because I actually have some news about Meredith that I was waiting to tell Bradley. But I think you and I should have a conversation first, and then you should decide if you want to call the police."

---------------------------

Bradley just wanted to get off this aircraft carrier. He had one night left in this fucking bunk with Carl, and then he could go home to his cozy house and sweet son and your warm, welcoming body. Maybe you'd let him snuggle with you and Noah on the couch, and then after Noah's bedtime, he could take you to bed. He couldn't stop thinking about every single way he wanted to have you. And then he could fall asleep with you wrapped up in his arms and your soft breath on his skin.

He was almost getting hard just thinking about it. It had been a long time since he had someone to come home to, someone who was waiting just for him. He felt like he wanted to reward you for it. God, he wanted to give you everything. He had to tuck his hands up behind his head in his bunk and force himself to try to go to sleep. But he dreamed about your voice and your fingertips on his face.

The following day went quickly as they docked in the afternoon. Once he was able to text you, Bradley was pleased to see that you were more responsive.

I'm docked, Princess. We got in a little early, but I haven't deboarded yet. I know you're at work, but I can't wait to see you whenever you can come pick me up.

My Princess: I'll be there by four with Noah. We missed you so much!

When he was able to finally collect his things and start down the ramp, Bradley's heart was thudding in his ears. It wasn't four o'clock yet, and he knew he might have to wait for you to get there, but then he was pleasantly surprised. As he started walking along the fence to the parking lot, he spotted his Bronco in the last aisle. You had parked it away from everything and everything else, and that brought a smile to his face.

And then he saw you, carrying Noah and hurrying toward him in your new work scrubs that he hadn't even seen yet. A smile broke out on his face as he rushed to close the distance. "Noah! Princess!"

"Daddy!" Noah squealed with delight, practically jumping from your arms to his. Bradley wrapped Noah up in his right arm and kissed him all over his face, reaching for you at the same time with his free hand. "I love you, Bub. Did you have fun with Princess?"

But you hesitated. And when Bradley met your eyes, he was still reaching for you, but you were only very slowly stepping toward him. "Come here," he rasped, slipping his arm around your waist until you were snug at his side. "I love you." Those words seemed to do the trick as you melted against him, and your chin tipped up as you looked at him.

"I missed you so much," you told him, your voice soft and maybe a little sad? And Bradley kissed you hard and heady in front of everyone including Noah, letting his hand rest on the swell of your butt. He didn't care. You belonged with him. He wanted you there forever.

But even though you were clinging to his uniform shirt now and returning his kisses with a soft moan, he could tell you were holding back. He trailed a few kisses along your jaw back toward your ear and whispered, "I love you, Baby," and you shivered for him. But when he reached for your hand, he found it was bandaged up. And you looked at him with barely concealed frustration. He could just tell something was wrong.

"What happened?" he asked, repositioning Noah in his arm and letting his son's cheek rest on his shoulder. He kissed your fingers and ran his thumb along the bandage. "What's wrong with your hand?"

You tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn't let you. "Can we talk about it later? Tonight?"

"Yeah," he agreed, suddenly even more apprehensive. "We can."

"Great," you replied, leading the way to the Bronco with your fingers loosely tangled with his. And while Bradley walked with his lips pressed to his son's forehead and his duffle bag on his back, he was worried about you.

You were still quiet when the three of you pulled into the driveway and headed inside. "I have a lasagna ready to go in the oven," you told Bradley when he followed you into the kitchen. "Should we start doing your laundry?"

He laughed softly as he put Noah down in one of the chairs and dropped his bag to the floor. "Princess," he whispered, reaching for your soft cheek. "Baby, I don't care about my laundry. I don't even really care about dinner, but I love that you have something ready to go. I just want you to tell me what's bothering you."

He watched you swallow hard, and he thought he saw your eyes dart toward the top of the refrigerator. "Bradley," you muttered.

"You know I thought about you nonstop, right?" he whispered, remembering how it felt to have his fist connect with Carl's face as he made sure he got his polaroid back. "On repeat. I just wanted to be home." He kissed your lips over and over again, stroking your soft skin with his thumb. "So I'll take care of whatever has you upset. You know I will."

You just nodded and let your eyes flutter closed. And all you offered him was one word. "Later."

After dinner was eaten and cleaned up, Bradley spent some extra time giving Noah a bath. The tub was absolutely filled with toys, and Bradley ended up removing his soaking wet undershirt, kneeling on the floor in just his underwear and service khakis. "I missed you so much," he said, kissing his son over and over again. "But I know you had fun with Princess."

Noah held out a green duckie for Bradley to take before he said, "I want Princess to be my mommy."

Bradley met brown eyes that matched his, and he easily said, "I do too, Bub. She would be really good at it." You already were good at it. But something was wrong, and he needed to figure it out. The two of you weren't acting the way he had hoped you would after being apart for weeks. And now he was questioning whether or not you'd actually want to marry him someday.

It was late. Definitely after Noah's usual bedtime. He was yawning now, but Bradley had been so excited to see him, he let him stay up. With one more big yawn, Bradley scooped his son out of the tub with a towel and drained the water. Then he stopped in the living room where you were sitting on the couch, and he let Noah give you a goodnight kiss. And he leaned down and kissed your cheek as well. "I'll be back out in a minute. We'll talk."

"Okay," you said softly, and then Bradley was thankful that Noah was already falling asleep as soon as he was in bed. On his way back out to the living room, he stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of merlot and a bag of Skittles he had stashed away.

After he opened the bottle and took a sip, he met you in the living room. Your gaze took in his naked torso as you bit your lip, and when he handed you the wine with no glass, you took a sip from the bottle as well.

"Let's talk?" he asked, settling down next to you. He opened the bag of candy and patted his thigh. "And snuggle? I've been saving the wine and Skittles for our reunion, but you'll have to remind me which color goes best with merlot."

He could tell you were trying not to smile as you scooted across the couch and onto his lap while you sipped the wine. "Red, Daddy. Red Skittles pair with merlot."

"Yes," he rasped, kissing the side of your neck. "That's right. Now that I'm all yours again, just like I'm supposed to be, why don't you tell me what's bothering you?"

You handed him the bottle in favor of the candy, and you crunched on a few pieces before you said, "I moved all of my stuff in. And I used your address for my new hire paperwork."

Bradley had to hold back a moan. That sounded so fucking perfect to him, he wanted to take you on the floor right now, right in the middle of the area rug. But instead he just tightened his arm around your waist. "Mmhmm, you know just want to say to make me happy. And you did so great with Noah. I knew you would be perfect, Princess."

But then you met his eyes and held up your bandaged hand. "I had to call Tracy on Monday," you said, and Bradley's heart dropped.

"Why?"

You pressed your lips together and looked down at the bottle of wine before taking it from his hand and drinking some more. "I saw Meredith at the gas station near Noah's daycare," you whispered, your voice soft and harsh.

"She broke the restraining order?" he growled. "What the fuck?"

"It was just a gas station," you replied quietly. "And I think she was already there when I pulled in." Bradley was about to rage, but then you kept going. "But then someone broke into my rental, and I cut my hand when Noah was with me. And it must have been Meredith, so I called Tracy, because you weren't here, and I wasn't sure what to do." When you took a deep breath there was a little sob with it that made Bradley clench with the need to protect you.

"Shit! I wish you didn't have to do this by yourself," he replied, heart skipping faster. "But I'm proud of you. What did Tracy say about Meredith?"

"She helped me file a police report, and they said they are looking for evidence, but my landlord is pissed off that the window is broken. He was supposed to have a new renter move in this week, and he's threatening me about paying for another month. He told me to fix the glass, but the police won't even let me. And you and I are supposed to go meet up with Tracy tomorrow." You hiccupped when you finished talking.

"Shh," Bradley said, setting the bottle down on the end table and pulling you to his body so your cheek came to rest on his chest. "Baby, I'll take care of it. But back up, and go slow. Did Meredith threaten you or Noah?"

You shrugged against his body, and Bradley focused on every single word you had to say about the gas station and your broken windowpane and the note that was left. And how the police and Tracy both agreed that there's probably not enough evidence to prove anything one way or the other. And then you seemed wrung out as a tear slid down your cheek when you said, "Tracy did tell me that Meredith was on trial for the fraud charges I brought up against her during the custody hearing. When I saw her at the gas station, she told me I ruined her life. And then my window was smashed, probably just because she's such a horrible bitch."

"Make sense," he mumbled against your hair. No wonder he had several unread emails from Tracy that he knew he still needed to go through. Shit. You'd dealt with an awful lot in his absence. He wondered if that meant Meredith was being sentenced. "And we have an appointment with Tracy tomorrow?"

"Yes," you whispered, curling up tighter against his body. "During my lunch break."

"Okay." He kissed your forehead and ran his hands up and down your back. "I'm still off tomorrow. I'll drop you off at work in the morning, and then I'll come back for you whenever you want. And we'll go talk to Tracy, and I promise you, I will take care of everything." You were practically shaking as he added, "Because you take care of us."

You were nodding as you finally looked up at him, and as angry as Bradley was about more bullshit from Meredith, you and Noah were safe. And Tracy would probably have more information for him tomorrow. But right now, you needed someone to take care of you for a minute. "I love you," he promised, considering how exhausted you looked. "Let's take a shower and get in bed?"

Whether you were nodding in agreement or because you were still shaky, Bradley wasn't sure. But he carried you into the bathroom and set you down gently as he turned the shower on. Once you were undressed he helped you in and carefully unwrapped the bandage on your hand. There was a jagged cut on your palm that made his heart lurch. "I'll clean it and rebandage it, Princess," he said, trying to hide the anger in his voice. You didn't deserve any of the shit you'd repeatedly gone through since you met him.

"Okay," you whispered, and as soon as he was out of his khakis and underwear, you were pulling him in with you. Bradley was helpless in his feelings for you. Very carefully, he took his time and washed you so you didn't irritate your cut further. And he let himself just enjoy the feel of your body against his as he gently held your hand.

When he turned the shower off, he wrapped you in a towel and carried you to the bedroom. Everything looked exactly as it should: your purple crown was on his bedpost, everything was tidy, and the bed looked inviting. But you still didn't look relaxed as he helped you into his gray sweatpants and a soft undershirt before bandaging your hand again.

"What will make you feel better?" he asked, pulling on clean underwear as you climbed into bed. "Tell me, and I'll do it. I just want you to know how much I missed you and how happy I am that you moved all your stuff in while I was away."

You peeled the blanket back on his side of the bed and whispered, "Snuggle with me?"

You looked so perfect and innocent, and Bradley slid in bed with you and collected you in his arms. "Come here, Baby. Let me tell you how much I love you."

----------------------------

You started to fall asleep in Bradley's arms while he rubbed small circles on your back through his undershirt which you were wearing. You had been on the brink of erupting into tears all night, and you hadn't even mentioned the USB drive. And now that he was home, you didn't know if you were strong enough to bring it up at all.

If he knew it was in that box in the attic, then you were going to make a fool of yourself. And if he forgot about its existence, he was going to think you were snooping through his things even though he gave you permission to use the attic. Either way, you weren't going to mention it, at least not yet.

There were too many other things to think about anyway. Like whether or not the police found anything in your rental. And how you were going to fix the window. And if Meredith was actually going to attempt something with you or Noah, or if she was just bitter that she might be facing jail time.

"Daddy," you whispered, and Bradley's arm tightened around you as he kissed the top of your head.

"Just sleep, Baby. I'll be right here."

As you dozed off, you realized you didn't have to be on full alert at the moment. For the first night in so long, you could just sleep and know he was with you and Noah. And then you were out.

Next thing you knew, it was light inside the bedroom, and Bradley was waking you up with gentle kisses on your face. You reached for him, and then his body weight was on top of you as he chuckled. "Baby, we'll be late."

"Good, I want to stay in bed all day," you whined, but soon you were dressed in your scrubs and making breakfast while Bradley got Noah ready for daycare. You hated the way you felt like you were holding back being as physical as you wanted to be with your boyfriend.

And then a flash of panic shot through you. He must have been expecting you to have sex with him last night, when instead you fell asleep as a bundle of nerves. You were still a bundle of nerves, but now you felt like crying as well. But he was acting so normal when he brought Noah into the kitchen to eat pancakes. "Just leave the mess in the sink, and I'll take care of it later," he said casually, reaching for your good hand to give you another kiss.

But you were thinking about the USB drive, and your meeting with Tracy and your job. And you barely kissed him back this time. "Okay," you agreed before picking at your breakfast.

Bradley looked concerned now, and he continued to look concerned a little later as he pulled into Noah's daycare parking lot. "I can take him in," you muttered, but he had already turned off the Bronco's engine.

"Let's go together," he replied, eyeing you skeptically as he climbed out to get Noah. And when you were walking in, side by side, Bradley asked, "Will you tell me what else is on your mind?"

You just shook your head, because you didn't want to get into this right now. But he took your hand anyway. And of course the same girl was working at the front desk with her clipboard.

"Lieutenant Bradshaw! Good morning!"

"Hi, Casey," he replied smoothly, his fingers laced with yours.

"How was your deployment? We really missed you here." She gave you some serious side eye, and you just knew she wished you weren't even around.

"It was fine," he replied, setting Noah down and kissing him. And then Noah turned to you for a hug before he walked back to the playroom. Then Bradley tugged you a little closer to him and wrapped his arm around you before signing the clipboard with the back of your body snug up against the front of his. He kissed your neck while Casey watched. "Let's go before you're late for work, Princess," he whispered next to your ear.

He handed the clipboard to Casey without even looking at her, and you were so mixed up inside, you wanted to scream. Five minutes ago, you were dreading the idea of being intimate with Bradley without showing him the USB drive first, and now you wanted to fuck him in the front seat of the Bronco.

"Listen," he said, voice stern as he pulled out into traffic and headed toward your medical complex. "Something is bugging you. I want you to be honest with me. After we talk to Tracy together, you and I are having a conversation later today. And by the end of that conversation, I want you and I to feel the way we are supposed to feel again. Because you moved all your stuff into the house, which I think is us officially taking the next step in our relationship. And I'm used to feeling comfortable when I'm with you. Okay?"

You pressed your lips together. There was no getting around it now. "Yes."

-----------------------------

"I really like Tracy and all, but I was hoping I'd never have to come here again," Bradley said as you and he rode the elevator up to her office.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, running your hands down the front of your now wrinkly scrubs. "It's probably my fault."

Bradley did a double take. "Your fault? How would this possibly be your fault, Baby?"

You sighed and exited the elevator, and Bradley just wanted you to look happy again. "Because I'm the one who mentioned all of Meredith's insider trading and shady deals in the first place."

"Hey," he said, leading you down the hallway with his hand at your back. "This is one hundred percent Meredith's fault. And the fraud charges were probably coming whether or not we said anything about it during the custody hearing."

Then Tracy's receptionist was waving the two of you past his desk without question, and Bradley thought that was either a very good or a very bad sign.

"Meredith is in custody," Tracy announced as soon as her office door was closed behind Bradley.

You gasped and said, "She's in prison."

"Yes. Now have a seat," she replied, pointing to the small conference table. "Because we have some things to discuss. Welcome home, Bradley." Then she set down a copy of Meredith's mugshot and arrest information.

"What a warm welcome," he muttered, skimming the paperwork. "She turned herself in?"

"She did," Tracy told him, taking the empty seat across the table and cracking open a Red Bull. "Probably broke the window at your place for fun as her last hurrah before turning herself in."

"Did the police find anything?" you asked her. "My landlord is so mad about the window."

Tracy just kind of shrugged. "Like I told you before, it's probably a lost cause. Nobody picked anything up on a doorbell camera, and it's impossible to tell exactly when it happened since you haven't actually been living there for a few months." You nodded, and then Tracy asked, "But if they do find evidence, would you like to press charges?"

"No," you replied immediately, and Bradley leaned in a little closer.

"Are you sure? We can absolutely press charges if you want to."

"Come on, Bradley," you said quietly, even though Tracy could still hear. "I don't want to cost you any more money. And I can't afford Tracy on my own."

You looked at him with pleading eyes, and he leaned in even closer to you. How many times had the two of you had this fucking conversation? Too many for him to keep track of, and it annoyed him every single time. "Look at me," he whispered when you started to turn away. As soon as you met his eyes again, he kissed you softly. But his voice was rough around the edges as he said, "I would defend you with my life. Why would my money be any different? Why is that the thing that is always too much for you?"

With a soft gasp, you gaped at him. "Your life?"

"Yes, of course," he said, brow furrowed. "So I really need you to stop making a fuss about everything else. Because it doesn't matter compared to you. Or compared to Noah. Or compared to us. And I'm getting pretty fucking sick of having this conversation over and over again with you."

"Bradley," you whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck. He chanced a glance at Tracy, but she was simply scrolling on her phone now. And he could hear tears in your voice as you said, "Money isn't as important as you either."

"Exactly," he growled, holding you tight. "Fuck, Princess... don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry. But if you want to press charges, if there's even a reason to press charges, I will gladly pay for Tracy. She's expensive as hell, because she's very good."

"That's right," Tracy murmured, still scrolling.

You pulled away from him and kissed his scarred cheek a few times before you said, "Can I think about it? I mean, Meredith was probably just acting like a petty bitch because she could."

"We can wait for a police report," Tracy supplied, setting down her phone. "And I can get more information about Meredith as well."

You nodded and looked up at Bradley. "That's what I want to do."

"Then that's what we'll do," he agreed right away.

"Tracy, do you know when I'll be able to replace the window? My landlord is threatening me with another month of rent."

She just snorted. "Send me a copy of your lease agreement. I'll make him cry."

When the three of you stood, Bradley could tell you seemed more relaxed, and he kissed the now dry tears from your cheek. "How much do I owe you for today?" Bradley asked Tracy as he took your bandaged hand in his.

"No worries. I'll bill you."

"Worth every cent," Bradley told you once again as you rode the elevator back down.

You had your head resting on his chest as you pulled out your phone, and he could see your screen as you said, "Dr. Kelly texted me. She told me to just take the rest of the afternoon for myself."

"Do you want to head home?" he asked as you tucked your phone away again.

"Yeah, I'll make us lunch."

"Perfect," he replied. "And then we can talk."

And you seemed fine on the way home, changing radio stations in the Bonco and talking about how you hoped Meredith would have to serve the full fifteen years she was being threatened with. Bradley didn't really give much of a fuck about Meredith as long as you felt safe and happy. As long as things went back to normal for the three of you.

But as soon as you walked into the kitchen, you seemed apprehensive once again. He watched you carefully get some butter and cheese out of the refrigerator, claiming you were in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich. But then you tossed everything onto the counter and spun to face him.

"I can't take it any more, okay?" You were nearly shouting at him, fists clenched at your sides. Your pretty face was all pinched like you were in pain.

"What?" Bradley asked, rushing to you. "What's wrong?" And then he saw one rogue tear streak down your cheek. Something was making you cry again, and he needed to know what it was.

"She's so many things that I know are horrible, but she's also so many things that I wish I could be... but I'm just not." You took a deep breath and reached up on your tiptoes to take something down from the top of the refrigerator. "I just want to know why it's here, okay?" you asked him, your hands shaking as you reached out with a blue USB drive on your bandaged palm. "Just don't lie to me about why you have this, Bradley. I know it's a few years old, but I just don't understand why you had it in the attic with Noah's baby clothes."

He took it in his own hand, and it seemed familiar. When he looked up and met your eyes, you were crying and trying to swipe the tears away. "I'm confused..."

You pointed at his laptop which was charging on the table, and said, "Just tell me the truth," as you sobbed.

Bradley opened the computer and tried to keep a wary eye on you at the same time. But as soon as he inserted the USB drive and the folder automatically opened up, he heard you softly say, "I can't," before you rushed out of the room.

He was still baffled as he tapped on the video thumbnail. And then he wanted to throw the computer across the room. His blood ran cold as he remembered making this video. The details were hazy, but when he heard himself tell Meredith that he loved her, he wrenched the drive back out of the laptop and heard it clatter across the floor as he ran after you.

"Princess!"

----------------------------

Fix it now, Daddy!! You better fix it! I hope you enjoy your babysitter story @beyondthesefourwalls and thank you @mak-32

PART 33

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literary-illuminati · 5 months ago

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2024 Book Review #44 – The Archive Undying by Emma Mieko Candon

This was a book I went into with no hand holding or preconceptions, and so I very much dove into the deep end of the pool. This is, frankly, a mess - but a beautiful one. There’s a lot to love, a lot of meat to chew on; but Candon’s reach really does exceed her grasp in ways that show, and I cannot blame anyone in the slightest for finding the narrative alienating or hard to follow. But shoot for the moon and you still end up among the stars, right?

The book follows Sunai, a deeply traumatized drifter and guide, who absolutely never got over the apocalyptic collapse of the AI-governed city he grew up in – quite literally, as he was interfaced with the AI-god at the time, and has spent the decades since hiding his nature as a Relic despite his stubborn refusal to age and tendency to heal from all injuries in a matter of minutes. Should his nature be known, he would be conscripted as the pilot and adhesive for a towering killer mech, and used to protect and oppress the new city now growing in the ruins of the old. Instead he fled half-way across the world and spends his days helping salvagers and refugees and his nights on drunken benders. After receiving a letter from his past he goes on a particularly intense one of those, and wakes up having both slept with and accepted a job from Veyadi, a former Archivist of the same AI who he’s clearly already told too much. Despite his heroic efforts to avoid honest conversations or emotional connections, from there he’s dragged straight back into the world of dead gods and killer science.

This is a book that hits the ground running and never stops, without much in the way of care about whether you’re able to keep up. The setting has both history and politics that are clearly important but are never explained beyond the bits that are directly relevant, with the expectation that you’ll figure the rest out through context clues (or not). There’s all manner of words being used as technical terms and basically none of them are ever actually defined. Sunai spends half the book explicitly trying to head off or avoid revelation-heavy or important conversations and, while he might know what topic he’s evading by turning the conversation into a quickie, I at least did not. Which is something I enjoy, honestly – I felt I had a solid grasp on most things by the end, and the world was fascinating (if occasionally absurd) – but I really cannot hold it against anyone who checks out.

The narration doesn’t help, either. Technically speaking, the entire book is told from Sunai’s POV. He merely has an unusually porous consciousness, and so spends a large fraction of the book being directly spoken at by one of a couple different voices in his head, or else semi-conscious and seeing the world through one of several different people’s eyes. When he’s not just outright hallucinating or trapped in a VR simulation, or spiraling into flashbacks (some of which are even his). This I found harder to adapt to and more frustrating, and in many cases felt like Candon was trying to show off and not quite managing it, but when it worked it really did work (the playing with the narrative voice in the second act, especially).

The book’s most saliently about trauma and (failing to) deal with it. It is not especially subtle about how Sunai’s relic nature is just a literalization of how he latches on to the plans and hopes of others to avoid even considering the idea of what his own might look like, and makes no bones about making him the whole thing’s beating heart. The book, then, depends a great deal on how compelling you find him. Personally I found the broken wreck of a man endlessly endearing, even when he was also deeply frustrating to be stuck in the head of.

The book’s other characters fare less well, sadly. The other major characters, despite (or maybe because of) all the time spent looking through their eyes and ruminating on their motives, still end up feeling opaque and a bit arbitrary. There’s only so many world-shaking revelations you can layer on top of each other before they stop having much impact and you stop being that invested in the characters. Ruhi and Imaru especially suffered here, the former for having so many story beats stuffed into him he ended up feeling more like a plot device than a real character, the latter because she felt like the story highlighted her importance to Sunai and general significance and then didn’t really know what to do with her past a certain point. In both cases (and like, this is clearly intentional) you end up knowing quite a lot of what Sunai think of them and not that much about the characters themselves.

Veyadi does better, if not always consistently. His romance with Sunai (osculating between unhealthy coping mechanism FWBs and all-consuming devotion as the story progresses) is another of the book’s main throughlines and it largely worked for me – Sunai’s wilful refusal to accept either of their obvious feelings was well-done and didn’t last quite long enough to be frustrating, and it was always entertainingly unhealthy in one way or another. ‘adi’s character outside the romance is significantly more opaque. Partly for reasons of plot and preserving tension, but still – I ended the book caring that Sunai cared about it, but not really about him for his own sake.

I admit I feel personally let down by the ending less for what it does than what it teases at then fails to do. All that buildup and ominous foreshadowing about losing your identity and being subsumed and synthesized into a greater hole as the walls come down and in the end they and the remnant AI just end up being able to DM each other’s brains. My expectations of a perfect lyctorhood or even some original examination of codependent relationship realized as the literal synthesis of identities, entirely dashed.

The ending in general was also just, well, messy. Too many plates in the air, too much ambiguity and nuance that then needed to be forcefully resolved to tie things off, too much sublime technology and miraculous agency in conflict for the final result not to just feel arbitrary – especially since the neat resolution arrived at makes absolutely no sense at all unless the ‘AI’ in question was actually just some kind of incorporeal demon the whole time. The emotional beats do work, but the result feels like a bit less than the sum of its parts. But then I may need to accept that my standards for a good ending are just impossible for 99 books in 100 to hope meeting.

Still, mess aside a thoroughly enjoyable read and one I’m deeply sad doesn’t seem to have gotten more attention. Though it also definitely doesn’t need to be the first in a series (many such cases, these days).

#book review #the archive undying #emma mieko candon #sff

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rada-76 · 20 days ago

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Sandwich, Nina, Muriel and Crowley's Memory

Сэндвич, Нина, Мюриэль и память Кроули

По-русски ниже. / In Russian further.

If we look at the connections between the second season and the first, we can find another sequence of facts that will close in a beautiful circle. Last time, the fact that Miranda Richardson plays both Shax and Madame Tracy helped us close the circle. Do you remember the silver and gold mirror?

And I wondered if there was a connection between the roles of other actors who played different characters in the first and second seasons? And yes! The roles of Nina Sosanya (cafe owner Nina and nun Mary Loquacious) came in handy!

I will give the sequence at the end, but I will present it briefly, so that all its beauty can be seen. But first, I will remind you of the details of several scenes that we will need. I have highlighted the words that echo each other.

Scene “Nina and Mrs. Sandwich discuss Muriel’s first appearance.” (S2E3)

We need this scene mainly because it connects Nina and Muriel. Nina and Muriel are like the top and bottom of a sandwich, and Mrs. Sandwich is the adhesive layer that holds it together. She’s the one who brought Muriel to Nina’s attention. It also helps that Mrs. Sandwich mentions an “interesting kink” in the conversation.

Scene "I'm Not Nice" (S1E2)

Crowley gave people real guns instead of paintball guns, but prevented people from dying. Aziraphale called him nice, Crowley got angry and pinned him against the wall.

A: "I've always said that deep down, you really are quite a nice…" C: "Shut it! I'm a demon. I'm not nice.”

Like the weapon swap, this was a case of violence that did no harm. We see that Azi is not afraid of Crowley's wrath. Many viewers believe that he even enjoys the accidental intimacy (an interesting kink).

They are distracted by Mary Loquacious, a former nun and now a paintball owner. Aziraphale and Crowley learn from her that the monastery, along with the records about the babies, was burned by Hastur.

Scene “Crowley won’t arrest Azi for lying.” (S2E2)

Aziraphale lied to the other angels about Job’s children. Only Crowley knew about it. Azi expected Crowley to take him to Hell. I’ll change the meaning of their lines a little so that they mean what they imply.

A: “Take me to Hell, I lied, and I’m ready to be arrested.” (I’m a demon now. I’m not nice.) C: “No, you won’t like it in Hell.” (…) C: “I’m a demon. I lied.” (I’m still lonely.)

Scene "Crowley does an apology dance" (S2E1)

This is an interesting kink. After the dance they say:

C: "Okay?" A: "Very nice.”

Scene "Crowley asks Muriel to arrest him." (S2E5 and S2E6)

To paraphrase a bit:

C: "Take me to Heaven, I'm ready to be arrested." (interesting kink) (...Crowley explained to Muriel how to arrest him.) C: "It's all right, officer, I'll come quietly." (...Muriel escorted Crowley to Heaven.) M: You're not really under arrest, are you? C: Not really, no.

I'll change the meaning of their phrases a little so that they mean what they imply.

M: "Did you lie to me?" C: "Yes" And a little further: C: "Mm, nice office." M: "It's a bit lonely.”

Now that the necessary information has been downloaded into your brain, you probably feel like Crowley, who narrowly dodged an oncoming truck when the task about the Antichrist was downloaded into his brain…

Drumroll!

So, a ring of related scenes. I advise you to read first, and then compare the highlighted ones.

This is how Nina (the paintball nun) leads in the "I'm not nice" scene and to the lost records.

1. Sandwich, Muriel, Nina. (S2E3) 2. Nina is Mary Loquacious, she owns a paintball business. 3. Azi and Crowley in the paintball office. (S1E2) (Crowley showed power in season 1) (Crowley: "I'm a demon. I'm not good") 4. Crowley and Azi didn't get the nuns' records about the babies. 5. Records.

(My personal conclusion. The loss of the records is a symbol: at some point in the past, Crowley lost and was unable to regain his memory.)

This is how Muriel leads to "Crowley's arrest" and the recovered records.

1. Sandwich, Muriel, Nina. (S2E3) 2. Muriel won't arrest Crowley. (S2E5 and S2E6) (he does, but pretending, playing) (Muriel: I'm lonely) 3.1. Azi won't make Crowley dance. (S2E1) (he does, but pretending, playing) (Azi showed power in season 2) 3.2. Crowley won't arrest Azi for lying. (S2E2) (Aziraphale: "I'm a demon. I'm not good") (Crowley: I'm lonely) 4. Crowley and Muriel got the records of Heaven about Gabriel. 5. Records.

(My personal conclusion. The records found are a symbol: in the future, Crowley will be able to keep his memory and even learn something else, new and important, perhaps he will be able to get his memory back.)

“Point 5” connects the lower ends of these two sequences into one.

And the wonderful Mrs. Sandwich is a layer, a link, connecting the upper ends of the two sequences into a ring with the help of “point 1”.

More amazing finds in Good Omens S2 are here.

***

Если рассматривать связи второго сезона с первым, можно сложить еще одну последовательную цепочку фактов, которая замкнется в красивое кольцо. В прошлый раз нам помогло замкнуть цепочку то, что Миранда Ричардсон играет и Шакс и мадам Трейси. Помните серебряное и золотое зеркало?

И я подумала, нет ли связи между ролями других актеров, если они играли разных персонажей в первом и втором сезоне? И да! Роли Нины Сосанья (хозяйка кафе Нина и монашка Мэри Таратора) мне пригодились!

Цепочку я изложу в конце, но изложу ее кратко, чтобы было видно всю ее красоту. А для начала я напомню вам подробности нескольких сцен, которые нам для этой цепочки понадобятся. Я выделила слова, которые перекликаются.

Сцена “Нина и миссис Сэндвич обсуждают первое появление Мюриэль”. (S2E3)

Эта сцена нам нужна в основном потому, что она связывает Нину и Мюриэль. Нина и Мюриэль - как низ и верх сэндвича, а миссис Сэндвич - скрепляющая прослойка. Это же она обратила внимание Нины на Мюриэль. Нам также пригодится, что в разговоре миссис Сэндвич упоминает “интересный кинк”.

Сцена “Я не хороший”. (S1E2)

Кроули дал людям настоящее оружие вместо пейнтбольного, но предотвратил смерти людей. Азирафель назвал его хорошим, Кроули рассердился и прижал его к стене.

А: “Я всегда говорил, что в глубине души ты действительно очень хороший…” (I've always said that deep down, you really are quite a nice…) К: "Заткнись! Я демон. Я не хороший (Shut it! I'm a demon. I'm not nice)”.

Это, как и подмена винтовок, был случай насилия, которое не принесло вреда. Мы видим, что Ази не боится гнева Кроули. Многие верят, что он даже наслаждается случайно полученной близостью (интересный кинк).

Их отвлекла Мэри Таратора, бывшая монашка, а теперь владелица пейнтбола. Азирафель и Кроули выяснили у нее, что монастырь вместе с записями (records) о младенцах сжег Хастур.

Сцена “Кроули не арестует Ази за ложь”. (S2E2)

Азирафель солгал другим ангелам о детях Иова, о чем знал только Кроули. Ази ожидал, что Кроули отведет его в Ад. Немного изменю смысл их фраз, чтобы они значили то, что подразумевали.

А: "Отведи меня в Ад, я солгал, и я готов к аресту” (Я демон теперь. Я больше не хороший. ~ I'm a demon. I'm not nice) К: “Нет, тебе в Аду не понравится” (…) К: “Я демон, я солгал” (I'm a demon. I lied.) (мне все-таки одиноко)

Сцена “Кроули исполняет извинительный танец” (S2E1)

Это интересный кинк. После танца звучит:

К: “Сойдет?” (Okay?) А: “Очень хорошо” (Very nice).

Сцена “Кроули просит Мюриэль арестовать его”. (S2E5 и S2E6)

Немного перефразируя:

К: “Отведи меня в Рай, я готов к аресту” (интересный кинк) (...Кроули объяснил Мюриэль, как его арестовать.) К: “Все в порядке, офицер, я пойду тихо” (It's all right, officer, I'll come quietly) (...Мюриэль провела Кроули в Рай.) М: На самом деле ты не под арестом, да? (You're not really under arrest, are you?) К: Нет, на самом деле. (Not really, no.)

Немного изменю смысл их фраз, чтобы они значили то, что подразумевали.

М: “Ты мне солгал?” К: “Да” И чуть дальше: К: “Мм, хороший офис” (Mm, nice office.) М: “Тут немного одиноко” (It's a bit lonely.)

Теперь, когда нужная информация в ваш мозг загружена, и вы, наверное, чувствуете себя как Кроули, который едва увернулся от встречного грузовика, когда ему в мозг загрузили задание насчет Антихриста…

Барабанная дробь!

Итак, кольцо связанных сцен. Чтобы гла��а не разбегались, сначала прочитайте, а потом уж сравните выделенное.

Вот как Нина (пейнтбол-монашка) ведет в сцене “я не хороший” и к утраченным записям.

1. Сэндвич, Мюриэль, Нина. (S2E3) 2. Нина - это Мэри Таратора, она владеет заведением для пейнтбола. 3. Ази и Кроули в заведении для пейнтбола. (S1E2) (в первом сезоне Кроули проявил силу) (Кроули: "Я демон. Я не хороший”) 4. Кроули и Ази не получили записи монашек о малышах. 5. Записи (Records).

(Мой личный вывод, что это символ: когда-то в прошлом Кроули утратил и не смог вернуть свою память.)

Вот как Мюриэль ведёт к “аресту Кроули” и к полученным записям.

1. Сэндвич, Мюриэль, Нина. (S2E3) 2. Мюриэль не арестует Кроули. (S2E5 и S2E6) (арестует, но не по-настоящему) (Мюриэль: Мне одиноко) 3.1. Ази не заставляет Кроули танцевать. (S2E1) (заставляет, но не по-настоящему) (во втором сезоне Ази проявил силу) 3.2 Кроули не арестует Ази за ложь. (S2E2) (Азирафель: "Я демон. Я не хороший”) (Кроули: Мне одиноко) 4. Кроули и Мюриэль получили записи Рая о Гаврииле. 5. Записи (Records).

(Мой личный вывод, что это символ: в будущем Кроули сможет остаться при своей памяти и даже узнать что-то ещё, новое и важное, возможно, ему удастся вернуть свою память.)

“Пункт 5” соединяет нижние концы этих двух цепочек в одну.

А чудесная миссис Сэндвич - это прослойка, звено, соединяющее в кольцо верхние концы двух цепочек с помощью “пункта 1”.

Больше удивительных находок во втором сезоне здесь.

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maxislvt · 2 years ago

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will u please do a dark! or not wanda x spider reader who gets injured often and how she cares for the reader

warnings: injury, medical stuff

Being in love as an Avenger was difficult, even if your significant other wasn't one themselves. Missions were long and dangerous, some would even require no contact for weeks at a time. Training was tough and the paperwork could become overwhelming. That wasn't to say that it couldn't be done.

You and Wanda were proof that even the toughest conditions couldn't stop love from blooming. When the two of you first met, your identity was a secret. It was a complete accident that Wanda even found out who you were. She was scared for your safety at first. There wasn't a single fight you'd been in that hadn't been recorded and uploaded to the internet a thousand times. You were the Spider-Punk after all. Who wouldn't be dazzled by your super-sonic guitar and acrobatic abilities? For others, watching you fight was a spectacle.

For Wanda it was just plain scary. To her everything was a bruise, a cut, or a concussion and there was almost no comfort in your accelerated healing. Both of you had learned the difference between accelerated and right the hard way. The suggestion to have Bruce look into your crooked finger had been lighthearted, but the examination revealed just how harmful your methods of fighting were. One of your bones was so messed up you needed surgery. The cost financially was nothing to Wanda, it was the emotional part she couldn't handle.

She's become a bit overprotective of you ever sense. It was cute at first, but you couldn't stand coming home at 3am and seeing her wide awake just because she wanted to patch you and replace any bandages. Wanda had a job that was just as dangerous. You couldn't let her lose sleep because you were stupid and got whacked around a bit. That wasn't fair.

So tonight, you did it yourself.

You took a little detour to a pharmacy and bought some bandaids and tried your very best to tend to your wounds. You had definitely taken some hits that a bandaid couldn't fix, so your solution had been to just put on multiple in one area. The adhesive was stuck uncomfortably to your skin, but something was better than nothing. Just nothing wasn't good enough for Wanda.

"Oh, you're home early." Wanda gave you a gentle smile as she placed her book on the nightstand. "Come on, let me patch up. Dinner's already in the oven so we can eat after you take a bath." She reached for your shirt only for you to push her hand away.

You kissed her cheek. "I'm fine, we can just eat dinner." You tugged Wanda towards the dining room but she didn't budge. A frown appeared in your face. "I promise you I'm okay. I didn't even fight anyone today." That was a lie, but Wanda didn't like reading your mind so she wouldn't know. Well, everyone told you that you were a bad lair, but you never lied around Wanda so who would she know?

Wanda raised her eyebrows. You always cracked under the pressure of her states even if you didn't do anything wrong. Even if that didn't work, you always left behind footprints. "Alright. Just give me a hug, I really missed you." Just like that, you'd fallen for her trap. Technically it wasn't a trap because she did miss and wanted a hug. The offer just had some ulterior motives. She wrapped her arms around you tightly and kissed your forehead. "You mean the world to me, you know that?" She softened you up with honeyed words until her hands reached your back pocket. Wanda's hand pulled out a ball of paper. "Is this…are these bandaid wrappers," She asked incredulously. "Don't tell me you tried to patch yourself up with bandaids that had your little logo on it."

You sighed in defeat as you sat on the bed. Embarrassment burned bright red on your face. "Just…just get the medkit." Wanda left you to stew in your own pool of embarrassment while she got the needed tools to patch you up. You peeled off as many of the little bandages before giving up and waiting for Wanda to take them off. "Don't laugh at me…I was trying to not worry you," You grumbled.

Wanda giggled and kissed your shoulder. "Baby, I worry about you because I care about you. Spider-Punk or not." She sat behind you on the bed and started to remove the decorated bandages. Everytime she pulled one off, she kissed your cheek. Then it was followed up with a little 'I love you' or 'You're adorable'. By the time she'd wiped off the adhesive and replaced it with proper bandages, you were nothing but putty in her hands. "Is my little spider ready to shower and eat dinner?"

"That was a really bad way to convince me not to do that again, but yes."

#panther speaks #anon #panthers drabbles #wanda maximoff fluff #wanda fanfic #wanda x reader #wanda maximoff fic #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff x y/n #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff

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bomberqueen17 · 9 months ago

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sewing and dyeing

I have managed to achieve some sewing!

I finished the silk dress from the yardage I'd dyed around Christmas, even hemmed it and everything, I feel very accomplished. So that's done.

And the linen bias-cut slip dress I made around Christmas, which I never wore anywhere because it was white-- I've managed to dye it, and it came out much more interesting than I'd expected! So, pictures and discussion behind the cut.

[image description: A mirror shot of me, a fat blonde white woman, in a grungy basement, wearing a clingy white knit tank top with a drapey cowl neck]

Firstly, I made this tank top (I bound the armholes, it looks nicer that way)-- started with the Cashmerette Wexford top, then used this tutorial from Threads Magazine to hack a cowl neck onto it. Ages ago I'd had a cowl neck sleevless top that I loved, and wore holes in, and couldn't find one again. So I used a yard or so of very slinky knit, probably some kind of rayon blend from Dharma would be my guess.

I tried it on, and immediately threw it in the soda ash solution to dye it because I don't need a white top like this, it'll get shit dripped on the tit immediately so I might as well give it a busy dye job. I will make more of this top in other fabrics, but 1) make the cowl just a bit longer so it drapes farther, and 2) make the self facing deeper, I feel like this one is going to flip out all the damn time.

I also think I'll hem this shorter, but I haven't hemmed it at all so far so it remains to be seen.

Secondly, I have nearly finished this button-up camp-collar shirt from the Cashmerette Club, in a natural linen that I have so many yards of from an old project I never did.

[image description: me in the same grubby cluttered mirror view of my basement, wearing a gray shirt, slightly wrinkly, with unfinished sleeve edges and I'm holding it shut because there aren't buttons on it yet. There are two breast pockets and one is significantly higher than the other.] So the breast pockets are optional and uh I am definitely only going to put one or zero on the next one of these I make because I checked and rechecked and rechecked and this is literally the best I could do at making them even??? ugh also they don't sit right because there's a bust dart and one of them went on ok and somehow the other one is overlapping the bust dart slightly, which means it's Not On Straight. Just.... not optimal. I get why there are pockets but I also super get why they're optional. No thanks!

I hate the interfacing too, it was awful to work with and feels like paper. But once I've finished and washed this I hope it will settle down. (In the past I've used shitty salvaged interfacing for things I was making, and used spray adhesive and sewed the edges where possible, and it worked fine. This, I splashed out and got the stuff in the package that's ostensibly meant to fuse on with your iron and guess what doesn't fucking work? that. So it's been just a nightmare and I'm not buying the nice stuff again because it fucking sucks. I get that you don't want to not interface the collar of a shirt like this, and the button band would be awful un-interfaced, but christ, I'm using the flimsy salvaged shit I cut out of an old bedskirt next time.

The directions on this pattern are... well as long as you know what they mean it's great. But there's a video sewalong, and that helped a ton. This is a very complicated pattern and yet somehow none of it has been beyond me, even though i sewed one bust dart inside-out first thing, and immediately also sewed the yoke to the back inside-out, and then right away also assembled the collar inside-out because I was so distracted by how much the interfacing did not actually fucking do what it was supposed to (yes i followed the package directions, no it did not fucking fuse). I got a lot of seam-ripping done, is all. (It really is a cool pattern, and if you manage to get through the directions, which are extremely specific, you wind up with a fully-finished interior with almost all the seam allowances beautifully enclosed-- it's cool as fuck.)

I have fabric already set aside to make at least two more of these. IDK how much I'll wear them but I love them. (I *have* coveted a shirt-dress for years, with one Almost Okay from Torrid that I wore a lot but have recently realized looks awful on me actually, so I will be making it a dress too, no fear.)

But then! Also: Dyeing!

So I looked on Dharma Trading for their tutorials and was not disappointed. I don't want to do traditional tie-dye, but I want the effect I got at Christmas with the silk scarves that I space-dyed. I don't have to steam-set fiber-reactive dyes, so that's a plus.

I saw this tutorial on dharma for ombre dyeing and I'm super gonna try that next, but haven't yet.

Tie Dye Tutorial on Dharma Trading: this is the one I used as a starting point.

So I dissolved a cup of soda ash in a gallon of warm water, put that in a plastic bucket, and soaked my fabric for 5-15 minutes, and then I decided to do a kind of gravity-based thing with squirt bottles and a spray bottle. I hung a clothes hanger from the gas pipe in the ceiling, put a big plastic mortar tub underneath, put a smock on myself, mixed up my dyes (and urea and in some cases salt, as directed by dharma the all-knowing-- half-cup batch size for the squirt bottles, and quarter-cup sizes for the spray bottle), and got to work one garment at a time.

I put some pleats into the garments and held them with clothes pins. Then I sort of "drew" along the pleats, picking a color to be the tops, and a second color to squirt into the valleys. I filled in with the spray bottle to highlight the pleats more, since that would hit the outer parts of the folds but the interior would be shadowed and stay white; then I could go draw in those white areas with my shadow color.

Everything then would drip down toward the hem of the garment, though there wasn't really that much movement; if I wanted a drip to cascade, i had to draw it down there myself with the squeeze bottle.

[image description: two squeeze bottles with narrow nozzles, and a spray bottle of more rigid plastic with a pump-dispenser top, sitting on top of a piece of stained scrap fabric on an old washing machine with tubs of dye powder sitting in the background.]

I also did a shirt where I spread it out on a rack in a pan at an angle, and sprinkled a mixture of dye powder and salt on it. Then I went and used the squirt bottles too, but it was a fun technique and I'd use it again.

[image description: a garment lies in loose folds, speckled with dark blue-green spots, and at the top decorated in splotches of blue and green.]

I wrapped the garments in plastic, and put the smaller ones into plastic bags, and then hung them outside in the sun so that a) the dye would flow downward rather than backstaining the areas I'd meant to leave white, and b) the sun would warm them so the dye could cure, and c) the plastic would keep them wet because the dye only chemically sets while damp.

Let them cure for 24h, and then today I brought them in and rinsed them for about a thousand years, and then washed them and gave them a soak and rinse in dye-fixative, then dried them on the line.

Here is the linen bias-cut slipdress I made at Christmas time, dry and ironed.

[image description: a dress on a hanger, with my hand pulling out one side of the skirt: the straps and neckline are bright emerald green, and then the body is streaked vertially with varying shades of green, teal, and dark blue, with a little purple at the hemline. The colors are light and a little muted, and some white shows between them in a few places.]

The linen took the dye lightest, the cotton a little darker, and a small offcut of rayon I'd had sitting around took the dye darkest of all.

here's everything still damp on the line:

[image description: under a blue sky, a metal clothes-tree-style line on the left has several small items in shades of green and turquoise, and then a line crosses the screen from right to left through the middle, with several items hanging on it. In the background are two cotton dresses, one mostly teal and the other green at the top with a white and purple skirt, then the linen dress from above in the middle, and closest to the camera is a mostly-quite sheet of fabric with geometric lines in green, blue, and purple.]

The foreground fabric is the rayon, and I sandwiched it between two blocks of wood with rubber bands holding it in place, and just saturated the edges with dyes. I'm extremely into it, it came out beautifully. i have more rayon so I am going to make something from that to ombre-dye, for sure.

I have severely overdone my physical activity the last two days though; I lay awake for a couple of hours the other night with my sciatic nerve just burning, and I expect the same tonight. We'll see though, maybe I'lll be pleasantly surprised, or just lucky.

Oh yah I'm trialing Ritalin, but just like the other medications, it's such a low dose and it's not extended-release. I looked up how to take it and the directions assumed I'd been given two or three pills to get through a day. Not so! So I have about four medicated hours in a day, and keep experimenting with where to put them. I don't notice it wearing off the way I did with Adderall though, so there's that at least.

Maybe by the end of May I can try a full dose of something, and see if that helps. IDK, it seems like it might.

#about the author #wardrobe embellishments #fibercrafting

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mr---cringe · 5 months ago

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Just had to take off my chest tape and it was unplanned (yep I have a schedule for that and it aligns with my job schedule so my skin can take a day off too) so I'm in the mood to talk about my experience with k-tape as a dude who's on the larger side (I mean what I mean these mfs have no business to be that big)

First I tried using k-tape for binding somewhat a year ago. And that was embarrassing cause I got the cheapest knock off thing 5cm × 5m. No matter how many tutorials I've watched tape just wasn't taping and flat chest wasn't flatchesting. This was where I said "screw y'all" and started wearing a binder. Ok, started wearing it really irresponsibly, and this torture waist damaged my ribcage to the point where it's sometimes painful to laugh too hard. I'm stealth at work and there's no way I'm entering the cafe suddenly having boobs, so I had to try using tape again, compression wasn't an option anymore

Endless love and appreciation for my skinny transmasc siblings but their methods of binding with k-tape are useless if you have the thing larger than an A cup

Applying:

- one layer of tape won't do shit. Period. No matter how firm, how stretchy, how wide it is, gravity is a bitch

- directions in what you apply the pieces is crucial so you don't make it look spherical

- larger chesticles ≠ longer piece of tape. You don't want it to go on your back, that's gonna be horribly difficult to take off by yourself

- the best results I got were done with laying down and letting the mfs slide somewhere near the armpits

- stretching the tape at the maximum it's capable of is temptating but you're gonna regret it so fucking much I promise. You wanna move and press the breast, not the tape attached to it

- if you can ask someone to assist you that's a perfect situation, cause they can see the whole picture, make sure there are no wrinkles and the direction is right (ps that turned out to be such a great bonding experience to me and my wife, recommend 100%)

- shave your damn armpits. You're gonna thank me later

Wearing:

- Be prepared for hygiene becoming The Task. You don't wanna disturb the thing too much, you don't wanna rub it or scratch it without a good reason, and most importantly you can forget about taking a bath or a hot shower. The solution I came to was a longer washcloth, that's really helpful in terms of keeping my back and shoulders properly washed

- Got a wrinkle? Take it off. Adhesive spontaneously stopped doing it's thing at some spot? Take it off. You have no idea how much you move your arms in day to day life, these things are gonna become blisters really fast, and these are painful and in fact an open gate for various infections, just like any injury

- If you wear it for too long that's gonna start smelling. Tape is a piece of cloth, and it accumulates sweat. The packaging may say anything the seller likes: it lasts 5 days, it lasts 5000000 days, but it's up to you how long it really lasts without making your life miserable

- Take your time to get completely dry after taking a shower before putting your clothes on

Taking it off:

- We don't wanna any blisters in this house, so we take as much time as needed to do the thing safely

- I've seen a shit ton of advices to use oils for taking the tape off. It works for a one layer application but it's essentially useless, if you have multiple layers of tape attached to your skin. The top layer gets completely soaked while the rest of them are dry af and then blisters blisters blisters. To make it effective you need a gallon of oil, and that's A) messy B) pricy, if you use cosmetic oils C) really difficult to get rid of it in the shower. Oils and soap create an emulsion and you spend hours in the shower and get left with sticky residue on your skin

- My method here: it's much easier to take a sticker off of a let's say glass, if you apply some heat to it. Blow-drying one's chest is something of hardcore edition, it's really uncomfortable and still can give you blisters and residue. What I do is giving myself a relaxing hot bath. I wait till the tape gets completely soaked and start slowly (I mean it) taking it off without leaving the bathtub. You wanna take it off the same direction you applied it. Btw this is where you're gonna thank me for saying that armpits need to be shaved. After the tape is taken off you still have some glue residue to get rid of. These who recommend using oils aren't entirely wrong. I apply some hair conditioner to the spot where the tape was and gently massage the skin. Most of the glue residue comes off at this point. Then just take a shower using a washcloth, apply some body lotion and you're good to go

All in all this is just my experience, what works for me and what ideas I got from the said experience. Share yours, if you feel like it

#binding #transmasc #trans #k tape #transtape #fat transmasc

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awkward-fink · 19 days ago

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Hallöchen Popöchen, you silly goofy goober!!

Well, my darling beloved friend, who I would send cinnamon rolls to! Here are some questions about your lovely, sweet OCs, who I adore so so much 💜

✈️ AIRPLANE — does your oc like traveling, or do they consider themselves a more homey person?

🎮 VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER — what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

📚 BOOKS — what level of education has your oc most recently completed/is currently in (GED, undergraduate, grad school, phd, etc)?

🎻 VIOLIN — does your oc play any instruments? what is their skill level (beginner/intermediate/advanced/virtuoso/etc)?

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

🩸 DROP OF BLOOD — what is your oc's blood type?

These are for Fenja and Fin (my beloveds)! Hope that's not too many at once, I just couldn't help myself ^^ But I WILL BE asking more about the sillies because they have my entire heart and soul!!

Have an awesome day :D

✈️ AIRPLANE — does your oc like traveling, or do they consider themselves a more homey person?

Fin is a bit in the middle ground of both. He likes traveling, seeing new things and exploring new cities and landscapes, but he also likes the comfort of his own home, of his family, of those he loves and cherishes close by. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Fenja is a very homey person. She likes looking around England, but mostly right around where she lives. She sets herself up to success in the area of her choosing. She has spots she likes to travel to, like her family packs home, her own home, her work area, Fin’s apartment. But they are all fixed points.

🎮 VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER — what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

Fin loves to learn languages, read new books and search through local shops for small things to give to other people later. (And you wouldn’t know when some random knickknack came in handy when on his missions and downtime activities with Dirk and Al, the trainers pack in the unit.)

Fenja loves sports and climbing the most of all. She also is likely to be found looking around the neighborhood’s gardens to help in exchange for fruits and vegetables. Also, competitive games. Everything in that venue is something she enjoys.

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

Fin does have a tattoo or better said, it’s a plethora of small tattoos that make up a big one. It is a swarm of flying birds around a willow tree. The linden tree, standing for the bonds between family and friends and oneself. The tree is located right on his back, in between his shoulder blades, and the birds are all over his upper chest, upper back, his shoulders and around his collarbones. Every one of this bird represents one of the people he loves the most and cherishes. For example, Fenja as a hawk, sits right along his collarbone.

Fenja doesn’t have tattoos and doesn’t want one. She is afraid of needles.

📚 BOOKS — what level of education has your oc most recently completed/is currently in (GED, undergraduate, grad school, phd, etc)? Both of them completed schooling fully, their parents would have their hides if they didn’t. After that it differs. For Fin, who is a Beta, many ways of further schooling are not readily accessible. Betas are not seen as an important enough position to be of use in higher up poisitons, too laid back, too quiet, not enough force and drive. So there are institutes for Beta schooling, which involve apprenticeships in different jobs and fields. Those schools also run alongside normal school, as afternoon lessons or in the evening. Betas all over are the most connected persons, they have their own… but we get they’re in the works later on.

So, Fin, after normal schooling, goes to Beta school, enters an apprenticeship with a small pack of military operators. So, he goes to the military.

Fenja on the other hand is a driven Alpha, headstrong and feisty and with a will that can endure much. But as much as she was pushed to more dominating fields like banking, real estate or sports, she chose to become a teacher, an educator. Soe she is going to university to get her needed degrees. Later on she will become a teacher.

🎻 VIOLIN — does your oc play any instruments? what is their skill level (beginner/intermediate/advanced/virtuoso/etc)?

DON’T let Fin anywhere near an instrument. He can’t play any instrument, and his singing voice is… no. No no no. Fin does not have a musical bone in his entire body, even though he really wanted to learn to play the guitar.

Fenja plays the piano. First because her mother wanted her to, but now she enjoys it very much. She is at an advanced level of playing, after doing so for over 15 years.

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

If you think that Fin’s lack of direction when not on missions could be one, then yes. But in all honesty, he has ticks. He tugs at his earlobe when he doesn’t like something. He must check security at least three times before he feels safe. There are a few more, but maybe you will catch them in the works?

Fenja has a territorial tick, like a livestock guardian dog, she circles her family and all that she considers hers and protects it with words, teeth and nails.

🩸 DROP OF BLOOD — what is your oc's blood type?

Fin, 0 positive

Fenja, B positive

#awkward fink #cod #blurb #ask #ask answered #Fin #Fenja #Beta Fin #Alpha Fenja #A/B/O #au #beta worldbuilding #hope you like it #sorry it took so long

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courfeyracs-swordcane · 1 year ago

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lots of questions for alonzo (although i'd be interested to know all of these for any of the ballad brothers characters):

🎮 Video Game Controller - what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

🖊 Ballpoint Pen - does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

🩹 Adhesive Bandaid - does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

💯 Hundred Points Symbol - share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

🌈 Rainbow - what is your oc's sexual orientation/gender identity? what pronouns do they use?

🐶 Dog Face - does your oc have any pets?

🍎 Red Apple - where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

❤️ Red Heart - what are three of your oc's positive traits?

🤍 White Heart - what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

💔 Broken Heart - what are three of your oc's negative traits?

💛 Yellow Heart - how many languages does your oc speak? what language(s) are they learning, if any?

🖤 Black Heart - has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they even broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?

🎂 Birthday Cake - when is your oc's birthday? how old are they? what are their sun, moon, and rising signs (if known)? what about their tarot card, ruling planet, and ruling number (if known)? do they fit the typical traits of these sun, moon, and rising signs?

😊 Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes - what are your oc's career/general life desires? what do they want to get the most out of life?

🤓 Smiling Face With Glasses - is your oc chatty or quiet? are they at ease in social situations, or are they more shy?

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family With Mother, Father, Son, And Daughter - how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are the closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER ALL OF THESE!!

OKAY IT TOOK ME A WHILE (and I’m still working through the last set) bUT.

🎮 Video Game Controller - what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

Oh god. Well. I mean first and foremost this is definitely not a guy who wants anyone to think he has hobbies. He’s very particular about What Anyone is Allowed To Know About Him at Any Given Time (hint. It’s not very much.)

That being said. Things he does that aren’t his job.

1. Sneak out to go sit in the corner of the room his sister is squatting in and bicker.

2. Sneak out to go hang out in the doorway of his kind-of boyfriend’s horrifyingly poorly ventilated necromancy basement lab and try and convince them to go touch grass or smth (he will not go in)

3. I think he plays like fuckin handball or smth

🖊 Ballpoint Pen - does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

He does not! Not comfortable with identifying marks like that and also not really capable of that kind of self expression? I think if he had anything he felt strongly enough about he might get one but he doesn’t really. have that. (or if Ari came up with something stupid and funny enough they could definitely talk him into getting a tattoo. For the bit.)

He’s got piercings tho!!! Several in his ears and one eyebrow!

🩹 Adhesive Bandaid - does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

There’s definitely SOMETHING wrong with him in the brain! Unsure exactly what it is yet but I’m thinking he’s probably just like. really REALLY good at masking?

I think he’s the least physically disabled one in the thing so far? Like. Kyrie definitely did not come out of All That unscathed. One of Punk’s eyes is fucked up (thanks Kyrie)(<— lore that exists as of literally right now). Ari lives in a fucked up basement that’s full of entirely unventilated toxic fumes and they literally do not fucking go outside ever, which has definitely Had An Effect on both their brain and their little twink body (negative).

Also I think when Alonzo dies that kind of sticks around afterwards? He came back right but he gets hella chest pains/can’t always breathe (comes and goes)

💯 Hundred Points Symbol - share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

(THIS ONE I JUST DONT HAVE I THINK IM SORRY)(it really depends on the others at hand— this guy is a fully different person in different situations/around different people)(Kyrie doesn’t know much about the years she was gone besides that they were Bad. Ari doesn’t know anything about what/how much he’s invested in anything. Punk probably knows him the best (on account of the Proximity) and they don’t know hardly any facts about him at all)

🌈 Rainbow - what is your oc's sexual orientation/gender identity? what pronouns do they use?

Ok on the reference spreadsheet I have to keep all my lore straight he’s listed as ‘Gender: seriously??’ and ‘sexuality: ace’ but to get more specific he’s trans his pronouns are he/they and he’s biromantic asexual except he’s also on the aro spectrum because I can’t write characters who aren’t lmaoooo. And the repression.

🐶 Dog Face - does your oc have any pets?

Okay I think that would fix him but no he does not on account of the organization he works for owns pretty much everything he has including his apartment and the clothes on his back and adding anything he’d be genuinely upset about losing into that mix is would be out of the question

🍎 Red Apple - where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

The whole thing takes place in an as-yet unnamed city(-state)!!! I’m still figuring out exactly how shit worked in Kyrie and his childhood but they were definitely both born there and I don’t think either of them has ever really been anywhere else. Kyrie might have gotten to travel occasionally when she was the organization’s golden girl but like. Didn’t get to be anywhere for any meaningful length of time.

As for how he feels, I think he’s very pragmatic about it? It’s the only place he’s ever been and a lot of it sucks but not all of it. It’s fine.

❤️ Red Heart - what are three one of your oc's positive traits?

1. He’s always been the one with the braincell! When he was younger, before Kyrie left, it manifested mostly as being a Very Bright Kid with a Lot Of Anxiety and now it’s more of a. ‘I am the only bitch in this goddamn story with an OUNCE of common sense can you guys not fucking THINK???’ <— guy who is drastically underestimating his capability for dumbassery but still.

🤍 White Heart - what are three one of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

1. Very very good at talking! I wouldn’t necessarily call him charismatic but he’s very good at just like. casual small talk? He’s got that ‘I will make an exception because he seems very polite’ swag

💔 Broken Heart - what are three one of your oc's negative traits?

1. Repressed as hell in literally every way possible. Allergic to anything genuine and open and vulnerable. He’s constantly playing 3D chess against himself and everyone around him to make sure nothing gets too close. And he is doing all of this while thinking he came out pretty healthy and well adjusted.

🖤 Black Heart - has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they even broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?

He has definitely both killed and seriously wounded people! He does that on a regular basis that’s literally his job <3 and he’s very good at it <3

For the second half, I don’t think so? The only people who’s trust he’s breaking are people who are not really emotionally invested in him (organization higher-ups at large) or people who expected this from the beginning (Punk).

Kyrie was definitely pretty fucked up about him joining up w the organization (/just like. Generally how he turned out, esp with it being Really Obvious to anyone who knows either of them that He Grew Up Just Like The Sister He Remembered)(Kyrie at the time having been 18 and angry and trapped in a very small life and desperate to be anything worth taking notice of) but I don’t know if I’d call that a broken heart issue? It did give her lots of issues about letting anyone help her/get themselves involved in her Overthrow The Government efforts tho <3

Oh shit! Okay that’s one I’ll have to come back to when I have a little more worldbuilding in place I think since I’m gonna hazard a guess that they don’t have the same months or zodiacs BUT he’s 25 (Ari is also 25, Kyrie is 29, and Punk is like mid 30s)

😊 Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes - what are your oc's career/general life desires? what do they want to get the most out of life?

WELL. first of all this is not a guy with general life or career desires— his plan was basically to Be Like Kyrie and then he did that (got the same job at the organization) and now he’s technically a hostage there (he doesn’t really give a shit but it’s not a situation that especially allows for Goals)

🤓 Smiling Face With Glasses - is your oc chatty or quiet? are they at ease in social situations, or are they more shy?

I think he falls on the quieter end? Like he’s notably EXCELLENT at small talk but he definitely defaults more to sitting back and just watching.

Still working out What The Deal Is There Exactly, but it’s always been just him and Kyrie! and they get a little found family together but that’s like. The point of the story here

#alonzo ballad brothers #THANK YOU WYATT THIS WAS VERY FUN

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ruvviks · 1 year ago

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late to the party a bit BUT! pick three questions for both isaac & heavenly answers of which u think would surprise people :3

oc asks!

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

heavenly has tourette's and adhd! as said in an earlier ask, most of his tics are little gestures he does, usually repetitive as well. for example, he can be seen holding his own thumb a lot when idling around, or running his hand over his neck which he usually has to repeat three times on the same side or once on both sides of his neck. other than that he has a few vocal tics which double as vocal stims for him :^) they help with focusing better but also when he's on a job he will try his best to control them because he has to be quiet

as for physical disabilities, he once broke a bone in his left shoulder badly on a job and it's healed by now but it's still giving him some chronic pain issues, which is why he can't really carry very heavy things with that arm or handle heavy firearms against that shoulder

🐷 PIG FACE — what is your oc's favorite animal?

heavenly loves wolves :^) he likes to joke about it a lot by going "i always preferred werewolves anyway" when talking about vampires LMAO it makes isaac very >:^| because "werewolves don't exist heavenly you should know this"

🤩 FACE WITH STARRY EYES — is your oc a planner, or are they more spontaneous in their actions?

heavenly loves planning stuff out beforehand and will do this in very detailed matter but once it's time to execute the plan he will throw it aside SO fast and just do whatever feels right to him. it's always worked better for him this way because it gives him a solid framework to fall back to if necessary but also allows him to just see where the job takes him and if he can get shit done by just doing whatever. gives him more freedom that way

🩸 DROP OF BLOOD — what is your oc's blood type?

isaac's blood type is O- which makes him a universal donor :^) he's very upset that vampire blood doesn't work too well on humans as actual human blood because he would want to donate blood but also doesn't want to take the risk, knowing it could not be enough to save someone's life

🚫 PROHIBITED — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

isaac doesn't drink because it doesn't do anything for him anyway plus he doesn't really like the taste of alcohol, but he used to smoke a LOT. eventually stopped since it does still affect your lungs as a vampire and he didn't want to have to deal with that for the rest of eternity. it was very much a chainsmoking kind of situation because of stress and it helps surpress feral sense, but eventually he realized it wasn't worth it and instead found other ways to deal with it

💛 YELLOW HEART — how many languages does your oc speak? what language(s) are they learning, if any?

isaac speaks english, spanish, french, italian, latin, japanese and arabic! he also knows a bit of asl and he's still learning several other languages including finnish, german, dutch, irish, and korean :^) he loves languages a lot and has plenty of time to teach himself new ones anyway so why not right

#asks #hibernationsuit #ask:heavenly #ask:isaac #oc asks #THANK YOU :] i have so many thoughts about these guys. but now it's lunch time

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pbandjesse · 1 year ago

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I'm walking in the woods right now. I'm on my way back to my building from riding horses which was fun but now my allergies are going crazy. I've decided that even though it's 8:00 I'm going to go home. I would like to take a shower and sleep in my own bed. Because while I love sleeping in the hammock I think being home has become a little bit more important to me this year. But today was a pretty good day overall even if I'm still pretty sore and I was very nauseous for a lot of it.

I slept okay last night. I did not get enough sleep for some reason. I don't even remember not falling asleep early last night I just didn't sleep good. And when I woke up it was 6:30 and I didn't need to be awake yet but I was and for some reason when I get to lay in bed for a half an hour just being awake I tend to feel better when my alarm does finally go off. And beyond being nauseous this held true.

I left for work and was in a pretty good mood. I had a nice drive and got here before 8:00. There wasn't a lot for me to do today. Like set up-wise. I had done a really good job of getting everything ready already So I just made sure everything was clean and then I went for a little walk. I went to talk to Chris and make sure that buying adhesive at home Depot would be a reimbursed. And he said it was fine. So I will do that either tomorrow or Saturday. And then I just did a little walk around camp until I went back to the art building where I hung out in the hammock inside.

I was already really nauseous but I was also very anxious. Specifically about my hammock. Anton is a very great help but he loves laying in the inside hammock and I want to lay on the inside hammock so I put a wash on my stuffed animals in it and my book and hoped that if he came while I was walking to the nurse that he would not be inside of it but he ended up not coming today. So it was fine. But my anxiety was still very high.

I was going to work today working on my blanket. All 12 rows are completed and now they are sewed together in pairs. And tomorrow I hope to work on sewing the Paris together. And so far Louisa has been a huge help making sure that none of my pairs or rose were incorrect. We laid them all out and made sure and pinned and put notes on things so that things were being laid and sewn in the right direction and it was nice.

And the kids today made pretty good artwork. They were mostly on time which was surprising. And we didn't have any like great masterpieces today. Not to say they weren't wonderful but none like blew me out of the water. I think some of the problem is we have too many white socks. I think if I was to do this project again next year I will get way more colorful socks. Because we ran out of those like on Monday and those ones just look so much cleaner.

But the kids were good and they made good work and while I didn't feel very good everyone was really kind. And I had the counselors helping with the hot glue and while there was one or two small burns nobody was seriously injured which is always my concern.

I did not go to lunch because I had brought my Chipotle from yesterday with me. And I ate half of that and then I just turned off the lights and hung out in the inside hammock until my next class. I just really it did not feel good today and was happy to be alone.

I honestly wasn't sure it was going to participate in the counselor ride tonight because I was feeling so unwell. But I knew that if I didn't I would feel bad about that too so really there was no winning. My neck also just really hurts still and I would love for it to stop hurting so much but nothing seems to be helping. I'm hoping that going home tonight and taking a hot bath will help at least a little bit.

The afternoon groups were great. My day campers really seem to like the sock project even if they have to keep starting over over it over again. And when the stockade boys came a few of them even made some puppets including Jorge. Jorge always makes walruses and I thought it was very sweet when he made a walrus. I was not feeling great still though. And I was trying my best to not let everyone know how bad I was feeling but it was hard. I was talking to Louisa a lot about it today because she spent literally the entire day with me. And she worked on her embroidery and we just chit-chatted while the kids worked and during our breaks we both read Dear America books while laying in the hammocks. She's reading the Titanic one but I don't think she's going to finish it because she says it's already too sad. Which is true.

But she just wants to chit chat I had to be one point be like Louisa please let me read my book I only have 20 pages left. And I really didn't love this one there was a lot of parts where I felt like I missed something because she was skipping big sections but it was still enjoyable at the end and I'm excited to read my next one which is going to be taking place in 1919 which is a nice change of pace because I've been doing a lot of 17 and 1800s.

My last day group camp group left and I still had one more group which was my late pioneer group. I was not thrilled about having such a late group but they were very sweet boys and they did a good job. And they had lots of questions about my blanket which I was finally finishing sewing out the last pair row. And I was able to lay everything out and get it all rolled up and folded.

While we were folding it Elizabeth called me to ask if Louisa was with me and I was like yes she's been here all day do you want me to send her down and at first she said no but then Alexi let us know that her dad was there and wanted to say hello so I sent her to the office. And then the boys finished up and I got my stuff and went to dinner.

Dinner was not good. It wasn't that it tasted bad because I didn't eat any of it. What they had for people who do eat me it was jerked Jamaican chicken and some rice and vegetables. Which is fine. Except there was a very unclearness of about what was vegetarian what wasn't and then they finally brought the vegetarian option out which was like a vegetarian chicken and rice Jamaican inspired dish. Which I'm sure would have been fine not my thing but fine. Except I scooped up and it was still frozen. So I gave it back to the chef and then he said it would be a few minutes in the oven and I waited like 15 minutes but it didn't come out so I just had a couple pieces of broccoli and gave up and left.

Mostly because we were getting ready for the trail ride at 7:00 and I wanted to get going to ice first. So I went and waited by the office and read my book a little bit. And then the people that work up in horses. Braden, Laney, and CC from the pool were up there waiting for Kona ice as well. And they were running a little bit late so we were jokingly like yelling about Jimmy not being there when he was supposed to be. Jimmy is the man that runs the Kona ice truck. And once he was there we got our things and I walked up with them. And they walk so fast. I have little legs guys and I'm old. But I did my best to keep up with them and it was nice hanging out.

I got to watch them tack up the horses. And put all of the things together and then everybody else who was coming on the trail ride would slowly start coming through. Ty was coming as well as Antonio. Tony was there as well. Candella who I love. And I specifically loved that she kept yelling at the horses in very very fast Spanish. I got to ride on Denton. And he was a very well behaved horse.

Which was great because I don't know if you remember my ride last year when I was on Little bolt and he rode me into Elizabeth's car and then into a bush. Denton was a very good listener. And he let me pet his face and his ears and I even gave him some of my snowball. It was mango flavored.

When we did finally get to ride I was all the way in the back because Denton likes to kick. He did not kick anyone but he kept biting the horse in front of us. And I think I did a lot better with controlling the words this year. Specifically because the saddle fit me better and I was not in excruciating pain the entire time. My neck still definitely hurt but there wasn't a lot of looking all the way backwards so it didn't bother me too much and I was able to just kind of be chill about it.

There were like three times where I screamed. The first one was because I thought it was so funny when we were going downhill and he started to trot. I can't imagine what a cancer feels like because trotting seems so fast. And you don't really have anything to hold on to so at one point I started slipping off the front of the saddle because I was writing an English saddle that has no horn. And that was very scary. And then another time I almost fell off and my feet fell out of the stirrups and I started sliding and then I got a crane up in my leg and I thought it was going to die. It was very scary. But I was laughing the whole way through and honestly it was a really nice time. I like to talking to Laney who was riding behind me as our trail guide. And I'm really glad that they cut the trail rides from an hour to a half an hour though because by the time the half hour is done my thighs hurt so much. Thankfully they don't really hurt too much anymore as I'm driving home. But I still have a good time.

Once the trail ride itself was done we went into the ring and we were allowed to just kind of ride in circles and try things out. I got Denton to trot a few more times and I felt a little bit more in control and I got him to turn the way I wanted him to and I felt a lot more secure. I still don't know how you don't slide off the saddle but I was having a good time. Eventually though I did just want to get off of the horse. He kept trying to walk over the jumps and I did not enjoy that and I didn't know how to make him stop trying to do that. And I was very afraid he was going to jump for real. I was very much ready to be done.

Lady wouldn't let me use the stairs to get off of him and I was very afraid of sliding off the horse to get on the ground because my likes keep giving out but I was able to slowly slide down and get off and I did not die. I watched Denton back up to his little house and one of the other girls help me take his tack and saddle off. And then I gave him the rest of my snowball and said goodbye.

That is when I decided I was going to go. It's not as late as I thought it was going to be and I really still do not feel good. And I really think that me and showering and being clean and then being in my own bed will help. I really hope it does. At least emotionally.

I am writing this in the car while I drive home but I'm using talk to text so I feel like it's fine. I'm not looking at my phone at all so hopefully most of this is coming out and it's not nonsense.

I walked back up to the car after and enjoyed being in the woods. And now I am in the car and most of the way home. Tomorrow is going to be a long day but I still think it will be good. My plan is to work and then after my last program I got to get set up for next week and then make sure everything is put away from this week and then I'm going to help with pickup and the ceremony directions. And then I will get out of there. I'm going to go to home Depot and get the adhesive I need. And hopefully you'll be home around the same time and I'm getting home today. It's going to be a long day so I really hope this nausea goes away because it sucks.

I hope you all sleep great. I promise not to post this until I'm actually home. I love you all. Good night!

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