#so lacking that little dopamine rush gets to me I guess

[asimplearchivist]

*remembers that I have WIPs that I inadvertently failed to update over break*

*realizes I start back to uni for the spring semester in two days*

*resists the instinctual urge to hate myself for lack of creativity and motivation on the writing front*

[hyakinthou-naos]

Hey, hope this is ok. I need some reassurance.

I've never felt a God's presence (except a vague warmth/peace when meditating about them sometimes I guess), much less talked directly to them (as in hearing them answer) and with so many people, esp on tiktok and here, talking like they have a private relationship with the Gods, a close friendship, even dating I just... I feel lesser I guess? Like so many people were chosen but not me and that must be a problem on my part. Like the Gods prefer everyone else over me. Like I'm not doing enough, even though I'm doing what I manage to do, given my limitations. I'm jealous of people who do communicate directly to the Gods. Part of me doubts them but part wants to believe them because it would be so shitty to lie about something like this and I don't want to believe these people are shitty. I don't believe non harmful hallucinations are all that common either, which would be the other explanation.

From what I understand you don't have this kind of direct communication either and I wanted to ask - how do you prevent yourself from feeling bad seeing all these people who (claim they) do?

I'm struggling here :( It's already hard for me to keep a consistent practice because of executive dysfunction and chronic illness and other stuff and this makes it harder. Feeling like I'll never be at everyone else's level of connection makes it harder.

Sorry for the vent-ish ask. You don't need to answer but I'm already glad if you read. Thank you.

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your ask, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I want to tell you right off the bat that you are not lesser than any other worshipper - you are not less preferable to The Gods - and you should not feel any guilt around your spiritual/religious experiences. I would like to say the following to you, but also to the wider HelPol/Pagan community:

PLEASE Do Not Trust Spiritual Influencers on TikTok.

I cannot claim to know the legitimacy or the intentions/motivations behind every individuals actions regarding divine experiences, but I can say with confidence that most of the spiritual content on TikTok is dripping with lies and exaggerations.

Now, as someone with a mental health degree (I don't talk about my education often but I do have a bachelor's in Social Work and a minor in Psychology) I can also say with confidence that just because someone is lying doesn't mean they're necessarily a "bad person" but you don't have to be a "bad person" to have bad motivations.

Bad Motivations Can Include:

Lying for Financial Gain: This could be selling a product, selling a service, or trying to monetize on being an "influencer".

Lying for Attention: Many people do not have supportive friends, families, or communities - so as a maladaptive coping mechanism they will lie to get the attention they are lacking in their personal life.

Lying for Prestige: Some people don't feel important in their own lives, so they will lie so that other people will think that they are important.

Lying for Fun: In the age of the internet, the ability to make others believe something you know to be false can give someone an adrenaline or a dopamine rush. This is why "trolling" is still so popular.

And, not a "motivation", but still an explanation of why someone might "lie":

Mental Health Concerns: This could be a severe mental illness, a delusion, a hallucination, or conditioning from trauma.

People are weird and wonderful and diverse - and that diversity includes people who will lie (consciously or not) for a variety of reasons.

I speak about this openly as you mentioned, but I do not - nor have I ever - had any direct communication from any entity, deity, or spirit. Everything I know about my Gods (outside of myth, tradition, and history) I have learned through divination, ritual, and intuition.

Answering how I prevent myself from feeling bad when I see so many people "experiencing" something I can't - is a little bit complicated.

When I began my journey into paganism 11 years ago, TikTok didn't exist - Instagram was only 2 years old - and Tumblr had been around for a little under 5 years. My early knowledge came, mostly, from books. I wasn't comparing my experiences to those of others - because the only "others" I could compare myself to were limited to one high-school friend and the authors of the books I read. That kind of experience as a modern pagan doesn't really exist anymore because of how much the world has changed, but I wish it did. So, by the time I got to where I am now, the idea of comparing myself to others was so foreign. And as someone who grew up with the early internet - I learned very quickly that very little online is 100% real and truthful.

If you want to connect with your deities in an honest way that also feels real - you might enjoy trying one of the following (some of these might sound silly and/or childish - but if you truly want to grow as a pagan, you must throw away the idea that childish = bad):

Go outside at night and spin, put your arms out wide and spin and spin until you're dizzy (but not sick). Then lie down on the ground and close your eyes. That whirring sensation? That unreality of gravity? That is the Earth. That is Gaia. That is Demeter.

Listen to the rainfall on a stormy night. Sit somewhere you can hear the drops hitting the ground. Look and wait for a flash of lighting. The following thunder, that sound that you can feel in your bones that makes you jump, That is Zeus.

Write a letter to a friend, or to a loved one, or even to yourself in the future. Pay attention to how emotions become thoughts, thoughts become words, and words become writing. Communication - Language - Thought. That is Hermes.

I could go on- but at the end of the day, people are going to tell you that The Gods are "otherworldly"; but they're wrong. The Gods are of this world - The Gods are this world.

I hope that some of this has helped?

Eirene, peace and farewell,

- Aön

[ninelivesastrology]

"I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom that there are really women out here who will abandon their entire sense of logic, morals, integrity, empathy and even self-preservation because they seek a man [Wade Wilson] attractive."

I can! Because the logic, morals, integrity, empathy and self-preservation never existed! Human nature? Or lack there of. Who knows.

And I don't want to blame this on fiction at all, I don't feel like fiction influences this as much as people think it does considering BookTok is at war right now. It's like saying videogames cause violence.

The hybristophilia was already there, hibernating and then it gets activated like a fucking sleeper agent. Tumblr was a cesspool and I remember the romanticization of the Columbine shooters. It's the taboo of it all.

True Crime is so sensationalized. I don't even blame legal departments for keeping things a secret. As soon as it was revealed who killed the Delphi girls and why, it was like all of the interest evaporated. Because that's all it was, interest and morbid curiosity that's like an itch that needs to be scratched. Once the mystery is solved, people stop caring.

I remember someone asked me how I can watch horror movies and be spiritual, and not in a rude way. Whenever I read my little horror books or watch my little horror movies (fiction), it's like an outlet because I love the genre. I would consume Goosebumps books like water and play Resident Evil with the sweatiest palms. I guess I'm facing my fears in a controlled environment. I can hit pause or put down the book at any time. I'm in control. I haven't chosen another horror book yet because I'm literally recovering from my last read. I'm in no rush, though I am curious over The Haunting of Hill House.

But I feel like the fixation of True Crime is so different like why does your dopamine and oxytocin need to solely come from coverage of real horrors? I can't help but feel like you're fucking your brain on purpose and I come from the Internet generation that would be exposed to horrific content unprovoked. Omg. It was so bad. I just talked to my husband and my husband was like, "Remember [website]?" And it's a core memory I pray doesn't flash before my eyes when I'm dying.

Now instead we have women telling the most horrible details of murders for money while they put make up on and it's so desensitizing.

I love investigative journalism and psychology, but you have people advertising the most traumatic and disturbing documentaries and people bragging about how desensitized they are or sharing how shaken they were by watching like they just got off of a rollercoaster. And it's like some people watch this stuff because they're traumatized and they don't feel alone in victimhood, but one is not like the other.

These real events are horrible, but never treated as such. I just feel like women like that crave a loss of control and see it in the most terrible human beings and it fuels the lust. But those normal qualities aren't there and I would argue they never have been.

[baoshan-sanren]

NiF semi-live blog eps 2-6

I’ve watched the first episode like 3 times over the course of six months so idk what I can even say about it like

I think it’s only after the third watch that I finally understood what’s happening and definitely remember everyone’s name and/or title

also i’ve had prince jing for 5 seconds and I would commit mass murder for him

did anyone else have to pause the scene where mei changsu meets prince yu and the crown prince just from the overwhelming second-hand embarrassment? 

mei changsu, sweetie, i’m so sorry these bitches are like this, oh my god

and they just don’t stop 

ah yes, bicker with each other instead, that makes it less mortifying

GRAND EMPRESS 

OH MY GOD SHE RECOGNIZES MEI CHANGSU WHEN SHE RECOGNIZES NO ONE ELSE

bitch, no one told me i’d be crying in 2nd episode of this damn drama wtf

like i knew this was a serious drama but this train of emotion in the first hour and a half? not okay

i assume the princess has to know who he is, right? no? 

I guess not

I have to know if prince jing is as blunt as he sounds. i’m learning slowly, and i still suck, but i’m def getting an impression that the dude doesn’t waste words

ahhh general meng definitely recognizes our boy, and we’re only now finding out that mei changsu looks different than he used to so I guess it makes sense no one else recognized him 

and immediately general meng is like “you’re in danger, move in with me” 😂

“who has the time to help you? who would help you knowing it’s a crime?” dude, you… literally just offered to do that

i love how the princess is all like “this man is a mystery” and then the camera pans to mei changsu sleeping in a chair with all the graces of an old arthritic cat

i would die for him 

“You didn’t even tell me you were coming. how am I supposed to help you?” aww meng dage, you’re just a big ol’ softie

I can’t believe I waited all this time to have english subtitles on viki just to acutely feel the lack of mandarin subtitles

watch my stupid ass hop from russian to turkish subtitles just in case I’m missing something in english  

HE CALLS HIM XIAO-SHU

dude, this is really kind of cruel, they basically want mei changsu to decide who his ex fiancee is going to marry? like, I get that no one knows who he is, but still

can I just say that baili qi is my kind of man. good for you sweetie, you’re doing great

two ladies going into labor at the same time? more likely than you’d think

this whole story is bizarre, they just… mixed up babies like that? so jingrui might be a prince, but he might not be a prince? 

“we’ll just share him” the emperor says, and no one bats an eyelid

i have a feeling that this will become less confusing at a later point in the drama (i hope)

the main theme song fucking slaps, I’m already getting a dopamine rush every time i hear it

so jingrui about to have his ass handed to him by baili qi

and my boy mei changsu is over here just calmly peeling a fucking orange like it’s got nothing to do with him 😂

I KNEW I RECOGNIZED THE DUDE WHO PLAYS BAILI QI he was in both and the winner is love and the wolf

if he lands one good punch, jingrui is gonna be out for the count

meanwhile mei changsu

*munch, munch, spits out a seed*

have I mentioned that I would die for him?

this shit doesn’t seem fair tho, like i get that baili qi is um… a bit larger and stronger than anyone expected but still

you shouldn’t just get to whip out a sword bc you can’t beat him

THE PEOPLE SLOW MOTION SCRAMBLING OUT OF THE WAY AS JINGRUI COMES FLYING AT THEIR TABLE jghfdghdjhfks I know it’s not supposed to funny but I’m shrieking 

it’s been three episodes

i’m fucking hooked 

choosing to throw your support behind the unloved, frequently overshadowed prince, is something that can actually be so romantic

seriously tho, if someone could just go ahead and give prince jing a break that would be great

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT STUPID TWAT ACTUALLY DRUGGED THE PRINCESS

oh dude, I am so disturbed by this whole thing

there should be a rule where you get to slap the imperial noble consort if she does something that fucked up

is that supposed to be translated as the grand empress? not empress dowager? PLS GIVE ME MANDARIN SUBTITLES

fhjgdksdhfdkslaljsdh when the emperor finds out how sima lei got his legs broken 

“that seems fair”

oh come ON just get off prince jing’s dick for like 5 minutes would it fucking kill you

fuck

of course prince yu would swoop in and take the credit for saving the princess (I assume mei changsu planned it that way)

but I bet you money that prince jing misunderstands and feels betrayed

oh sweetie

THIS WAS THE ORIGINAL BL PAIRING WASN’T IT

WASN’T IT

my romance radar is tingling all over the place on this one

yes he’s angry but it’s not his fault pls be nice to him

I DON’T WANT YOU TO USE THEM AS STONES IN MY PATH

OUCH DUDE

how about you try and be a little nicer to mei changsu too??? 

“pls be direct” does prince jing know how to be any other way?

we’re negotiating boundaries this is good

this is a whole ass fanfic just waiting to happen I caNNOT have another obsession right now stop it with the goddamn tension

oh my god so prince jing is upset because these methods are exactly how mei changsu (MY FRIEND HE SAYS) and his own brother were framed and “killed” MY HEART

pls I want to wrap him in a blanket and feed him soup for a year

THIS FUCKING CONVERSATION

THE SWELLING MUSIC 

GOOD GOD

yup crying again

I blame @wangxianbunnydoodles​ @hunxi-guilai​ and @merelhyn​ in that exact order

you guys suck I don’t need this

awww jingrui is just a giant puppy isn’t he?

okay you know what? when prince yu absolutely loses his shit he’s actually kind of funny? and likeable? I can’t believe i’m looking forward to him getting frustrated/pissed off in the future 

oh my god I’ve binged 6 episodes what is happening

[joontella]

achromatic.

Yandere!Kim Namjoon x Female Reader

Word Count: 11.1k

Genre(s):  Angst, Slight Fluff, (HORRIBLY WRITTEN) Smut

Trigger Warning(s): Mentions of religion or lack thereof, blood, murder, idk how the human body works, (unknown) consumption of blood, manipulation, stalking, male masturbation (again, horribly written), Namjoon is an asshole, and musical terms because i play music rip, minor character death, slight gore. it gets really shitty towards the end. i’m sorry

Merry Merry! It’s Peppermint! Your gift is finally here, @exhausted-joy​! I’m sorry for the wait. I had to make sure that it was perfect. This is my first time doing this, and I really wanted to give it my all. Please forgive me, and thank you for putting up with my antics in the server. I hope you enjoy it!

I also want to thank Saniya (@smeraldos-blog), Mari (@joheun-saram), Hannah (@spicykoreantatertots), Ley (@pars-ley​), Avery (@ksmuttherapy​), and everyone else who tolerated and/or helped me out! I love you all and thank you so much for the help and support! I’m so happy to have met you all!

ach·ro·mat·ic /akrəˈmadik/

adjective

without color.

“Damn. There goes my chance of starting my winter break with a passing grade.” One woman groaned.

“What the hell are you talking about? You have a solid ‘C’! I’m literally failing everything!” Her friend responded, as her arms waved in a cartoonish rendition of exasperation. “And whose fault is that?” “Not mine! This semester was nothing but a months-long depressive episode. How could I focus with everything that’s going on?”

He so desperately wishes that they would shut up, or at the very least, take their obnoxiously loud conversation elsewhere. Namjoon twirled the ink pen in his hand with a practiced precision only years of being hunched over paperwork could provide. However, those were nothing but pipe dreams as the two students turned their attention over to him. “There’s Kim Namjoon! He’s had the top spot for years now, way before he was enrolled here.” One began babbling quite loudly whilst pointing to the man in question. “I bet he came out of the womb with high marks. I heard that he scored in the 99th percentile for his newborn screening tests.” The other swooned in response to her own musings.

Obviously, these two were much more idiotic than he had originally thought. It didn’t take an expert to read his body language: the way that he twirled his pen faster, as if that could speed up the agonizing conversation he was being forced to bear witness to; the way his jaw clenched so tightly that it could easily break a metal wire; and the position his shoulders held, resembling an animal coiling in preparation to strike or flee. He pleaded to gods he didn’t even believe in for the duo to be quickly eradicated with a swift strike of lightning. According to the calculations he made swiftly in his head, the chances of something like that happening were infinitesimally small. How unfortunate.

Deciding that the best course of action to take would be to leave the two neanderthals to their devices, Namjoon did just that. He quickly snapped his book shut with one hand and a loud, meaningful clap as the pages suddenly collided with each other. If that didn’t make the nuisances jump in surprise, his words would.

“Although I’m a source of inspiration and wonder to many, it’s degrading to hear someone so openly refer to me in a way that one would to an exotic zoo animal,” He began. Namjoon’s tone was cool and even, carrying an air of regality all the while retaining a bitter edge of contempt and disdain for both the conversation and the mere existence of the two original party members. 

Finally, the two felt the brunt of the consequences their crimes on Namjoon’s ears had to offer. They both visibly wilted, reminding the tall man of his mother’s daisies being roasted and withering under the dry summer heat. Normally, this would have been more than enough to diffuse the situation and lift him of his auditory burden. However, his heart ached for more. His brain so desperately yearned for more stimulation and a rush of dopamine.

He decided to twist the knife, so to speak.

“Also, you too could rise to the top.” Namjoon said as he began to turn away.

Out of his peripheral vision, he could see the two wilted flowers gain new life and their faces brighten with newfound hope. The loudest of the two even had the audacity to whimper a pathetically optimistic, “Really?”

Twist. Twist. Twist!

“Of course~.” Namjoon purred, deciding to turn to face his victims’ satisfying demise. His heart threatened to beat in double time in anticipation.

Although their anxiously awaiting smiles made his stomach turn, he couldn’t deny the mirth swirling alongside the disgust in his belly.

“First off, instead of blaming your inadequacies solely on the tumultuous events of this year, take responsibility for your shortcomings. Only children avoid blaming themselves.”

He could hear the glass shattering as their faces fell in a tandem that most would find heartbreaking. He found it utterly amusing. Now, he would take his leave. After receiving the reaction he desired and more, Namjoon wanted nothing more than to leave the duo to stew in their humiliation. Yet, one last thing lingered. He had yet to land the finishing blow that would ensure that he wouldn’t be bothered by these two pieces of scum ever again.

Twist. Twist! TWIST!

“Before I forget, avoid talking so loudly. As you may or may not have noticed, I was trying to study. You know, one of the things that facilitates good grades? I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but your incessant bantering made it increasingly difficult to do so. Might I suggest that you follow my example and do the same? Maybe then, one day, you could take my place at the top.”

Namjoon wasn’t even facing them anymore. His back was to the two women, further solidifying his dismissal of them. With a simple and curt wave of his hand, he simply uttered,

“Ladies.”

And he was on his way.

“Exam results will be posted this afternoon. I trust that you all scored high enough marks to keep our university in high regard.” Your professor droned from the front of the lecture hall. “I know that many of you despise the fact that a standardized test is still administered in college, but so far, it is the only way to ensure that Mugunghwa National Academy is churning out bright students worthy enough to contribute to society!”

The students in question couldn’t care less about their scores or the school’s prestige. All they were worried about was getting the hell out of there after two hours of examination and stifling silence. They all stood from their seats and slung their bags across their bodies. A disgruntled murmur rang throughout. Quite frankly, you were no different.

As you hugged your notebook close to your body, your professor stopped you as you reached the lecture hall door.

“Ah, Miss (L/N). A word, please.”

Surprised, you let out a soft, “Sure.” and walked over to the podium where your professor started to neatly stack and organize his papers.

“As you know, Miss (L/N), you are one of the two best students we’ve had at this academy recently.”

You shifted your weight awkwardly at the sudden praise. You felt heat rise to your cheeks as you began to speak. “I mean, I guess? I wouldn’t go that far, but I suppose that records and the numbers do suggest that I’m performing quite well.” Your professor scowled at your response. You were a bright young woman. You deserved to flaunt it and soak up the praise every once in a while, right? He folded his arms and sighed deeply causing your brain to go into overdrive on how you could rectify the situation. “While pride does come short of a fall, you should learn to take compliments when they’re given, (Y/N). I promise you that you won’t become an egomaniac anytime soon as a result.” He said gently, causing your nerves to subside. Right. Maybe you should just accept compliments. A little self esteem boost never hurt anybody, right? “Thank you, professor, but may I ask why you’re telling me this?” You asked, trying to move the conversation along as politely as you could. You had an hour before you were due to go to the college’s radio station and prepare for this evening’s broadcast. Hopefully, your professor would get to the point so you could quickly grab a bite to eat before you started airing.

“Oh yes, of course! I’m sorry! I said all this to tell you that I have your exam results already. Seeing as how you are the brightest in your class, you finished early, giving me enough time to grade yours while your peers were working. I think that you’ll find the results to your liking, Miss (L/N).” He grinned, handing you a white manila envelope with the school’s insignia printed on the front.

You quirked a brow and opened it. You were then greeted by the name of the school, its motto, and yet another print of the school emblem on the header. Your (E/C) eyes scanned the page until you found what you were looking for:

𝑴𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒉𝒘𝒂 𝑵𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑨𝒄𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒎𝒚 𝑨𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒖𝒅𝒆 𝑬𝒙𝒂𝒎 

𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒆: (𝑳/𝑵), (𝒀/𝑵) 

𝑴𝒂𝒋𝒐𝒓: 𝑱𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒎 

𝑫𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑬𝒙𝒂𝒎: 𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 21 

𝑺𝒄𝒐𝒓𝒆: 98/100 

𝑪𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒔 𝑹𝒂𝒏𝒌:

1 𝒐𝒇 300

You stood there, dumbfounded. The paper you once held gingerly and timidly was wrinkling and threatening to tear under your now iron grip. You were now number one. Somehow, some way, you managed to best Kim Namjoon. Mugunghwa’s already carefully balanced and fragile ecosystem was crumbling around you. What have you done?

“I take it that you’re in shock. I’ll leave you alone to celebrate.” Your professor said smoothly as he slung his coat over his shoulder. “Congratulations, (Y/N). Please enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Uh huh… Will do…” You uttered dumbly.

Mugunghwa National Academy ran on strict rules, but most of them were unspoken. For the sake of your sanity and that of the rest of the student body (and let’s face it, staff, too), you intended to follow those sacred and silent rules to the letter.

Rule Number One: Don’t look in the janitor’s closet near the athletics facilities. You may not come out the same way as you came in.

Rule Number Two: If the cafeteria serves meatloaf, avoid it at all costs. Only eat it if you want to get sick and purposely miss class.

Rule Number Three: Kim Namjoon is the best at everything. He is to be number one until Hell freezes over.

Rule Number Four: In order to keep peace and balance between the nations, (Y/N) (L/N) must always come in second. This is the natural order of things.

You were content with being in second place. To be frank, you preferred to leave the pomp and circumstance of being the top dog to Namjoon. He was more equipped to bear the burden, after all. Besides, it wasn’t like your future career was depending on you being the best. You could skate by with a silver medal and leave Namjoon with the gold. You preferred the look of silver, anyway.

Now look at what you've done. There’s no doubt that the records have been updated by now. Your professor did grade yours early, and it’s reasonable to assume that Namjoon’s was as well. You’d inadvertently torn a hole in the gossamer fabric that was Mugunghwa National Academy. With one exam, you signed the collective death certificate of every other person besides Kim Namjoon himself. 

May God have mercy on your wretched soul.

“Young Master, your father would like to have a word with you in his study.” The head butler of the Kim mansion stated simply.

For the second time that day, Namjoon clenched his jaw tightly. He shrugged off his coat and handed it to the older gentleman who was automatically waiting at his side to collect the article of clothing. He hadn’t even gotten through the door and already his father wanted to speak with him. This didn’t bode well.

“Seokjin, did he mention why he’d want to see me?” Namjoon asked dryly. Seokjin simply shook his head and hung his coat on the nearby rack. 

“He only mentioned that it was urgent, so I suggest that it would be in your best interest to make it there expeditiously.”

This certainly did not bode well. Kim Joonho was a man of few words. Most would say that he’s the very definition of “actions speak louder than words”. Whenever the CEO of Kim Industries did something, people watched in equal parts starstruck awe and fear. However, when the CEO of Kim Industries deemed something important enough to speak on, there was no choice in the matter. You either listened intently or you perished in more ways than one. This was no different for Joonho’s family. In fact, he was worse to them. Working under the guise of caring for his family, Joonho was more stoic to his wife and children.

Regardless of his debatably righteous intentions, it sent the Kim family into delicately managed dysfunction. Simply put, Kim Joonho never spoke to Namjoon out of wishing to connect with his son on a more personal level. Namjoon was the next heir to Kim Industries. Being his son was an unfortunate side effect.

“Sir, I know that I did implore you to hurry, but-”

“What?” Namjoon growled. His nerves were shot to shit today. Anything that impeded his meeting with his father and his goal to quickly get it over with was met with hostility.

Seeming to understand this, Seokjin cleared his throat and motioned a gloved hand towards the mansion’s threshold.

“You know better than to walk in the house with your shoes still on,” The Kim butler began smoothly as he made his way over to Namjoon to collect his shoes. “I do understand that you are upset, but you shouldn’t let your emotions cloud your judgement so drastically that you forget such basic cultural conventions.”

Namjoon sighed sharply and bit back a retort that was bubbling in his throat. Arguing with Seokjin was pointless. As per usual, he was correct. Engaging in such petty conflicts would only worsen things.

“Right. I suppose I was quite hasty. Thank you.” Namjoon sighed whilst peeling off his shoes.

“I do believe that an apology is in order, Young Master.”

Namjoon was already halfway across the foyer, about to ascend the grand staircase leading to the upper floors when Seokjin’s cheeky remark reached his ears. He felt his blood begin to simmer in his veins and his muscles stiffen.

“The fact that I haven’t fired you by now and ruined any chances of you gaining any further employment should be enough of an apology. You’re treading on thin ice, Seokjin. Remember your place in this world.”

With that, he continued his journey to the final boss room within the Kim family mansion: his father’s study. The last he heard of Seokjin was a sly chuckle and the clicking of his polished leather shoes against the floor. Staff were not guests. Therefore, they were not allowed the privilege of removing their shoes. They were expendable. They needn’t get too comfortable.

Despite how much he detested it, Namjoon couldn’t deny that cold chill of anxiety that frosted his entire body. His father never wanted to talk to him. Ever. He could count on his hands the times that Joonho requested his presence. He could count on only one hand how many times Joonho requested his presence to celebrate his son’s successes. Their relationship was solely professional. There was no love to be found, no matter how hard you read between the lines. Even in as high of a position as Namjoon is in, he is still subservient to his father.

That’s the natural order of things.

“Come in, Namjoon.” Joonho’s voice rang from behind the large mahogany doors.

Almost cartoonishly, the hinges squeaked like Namjoon was uncovering the entrance to a haunted crypt. Namjoon decided long ago that was an eerily apt way of describing his father’s study.

Naturally, Namjoon obeyed his father and entered the room. Dead center, there sat Kim Joonho on his throne. Sitting with perfect posture behind the large oak desk, Joonho stared his son down with cold eyes filled with disdain. How Namjoon desperately wished he could gouge them out with his father’s prized letter opener.

“Don’t waste my time. Have a seat. I don’t have all day.” Joonho snapped.

“Of course. How are you today, father?”

The CEO’s eyes narrowed at his son’s inquiry. “Spare me the niceties, boy. Sit down. We have business to discuss.”

Before Namjoon could interject, Joonho was already reaching into a drawer and produced a white manila envelope. Upon closer inspection, one could see Mugunghwa National Academy’s insignia emblazoned on the front. Once Namjoon was properly seated, he reached out and grabbed the parcel.

“May I ask what this is?” “You may not. You have eyes, boy. Read it for yourself.”

The frigid chill of anxiety was soon being replaced with the molten heat of fury. Some tiny part of Namjoon’s mind was concerned that he would develop a fever at the sudden and constant shifts in his body temperature. That wouldn’t do. He couldn’t afford for his health to decline. That would be another thing for his father to berate him for.

“Of course. My apologies, father.” Namjoon whispered as he undid the envelope’s fastening. Once he did so, he pulled the paper out with an air of nonchalance. Surely, it must have been another letter from the school to congratulate him on some academic achievement he didn’t even realize existed. However, in his eyes and in the eyes of his father, it was the exact opposite.

 𝑴𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒉𝒘𝒂 𝑵𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑨𝒄𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒎𝒚 𝑨𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒖𝒅𝒆 𝑬𝒙𝒂𝒎 

 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒆: 𝑲𝒊𝒎, 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒋𝒐𝒐𝒏 

 𝑴𝒂𝒋𝒐𝒓: 𝑩𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 

𝑴𝒊𝒏𝒐𝒓(𝒔): 𝑩𝒊𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒚, 𝑬𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒉 

 𝑫𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑬𝒙𝒂𝒎: 𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 21 

 𝑺𝒄𝒐𝒓𝒆: 96/100 

 𝑪𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒔 𝑹𝒂𝒏𝒌: 2 𝒐𝒇 300

For the first time in a long time, Kim Namjoon’s world fell apart before his very eyes. Suddenly the sturdy and imposing columns holding up the large study appeared to crumble around him. The fire that crackled in the fireplace was reduced to nothing but pathetic cinders. He felt the ground split beneath his feet and his father… His father grew to a monstrous size in comparison to his surroundings, suddenly hunched over his son in preparation to strike.

“This must be some mistake! The results must have gotten mixed up! I-”

“Enough!” Joonho boomed. He swiftly slammed his hand down on his desk, successfully frightening his son into silence. “Only children avoid blaming themselves. I thought I taught you to accept responsibility! How dare you blame your inadequacies on the people who made them apparent?!”

Namjoon clenched his fists tightly in his lap and pushed down the urge to go through on his original plan of plucking his father’s eyeballs out.

“Can’t you see? Whoever graded my exam was clearly incompetent. If they had a brain stem, they would know that I am only capable of producing top-class work! Just like you should not be blamed for one measly employee’s mistake, I should not be blamed for the mistake of someone beneath me!” Namjoon exclaimed. Once he finished his spiel, he found himself standing up, but he didn’t remember willing his muscles to do so.

“This entire conversation is pointless. It’s inefficient at best and mind-numbing at its worst! For someone who values time and money more than his own family, I find it quite curious that you’re willing to waste both so frivolously.”

Now, it was Joonho’s turn to clench his jaw and his fists. Despite the utter disdain he felt for the situation, the patriarch had to admit the merit in his son’s retort. His pride would never let him express the sliver of admiration that stirred within him at Namjoon’s courageous display.

Nobody dared talk back to Kim Joonho. That was the natural order of things.

“Regardless of who’s truly at fault, find this (Y/N) (L/N). She usurped your throne, Namjoon. She deserves to be punished for her transgression.”

“Of course. She’s public enemy number one, but she won’t be number one ever again.”

With that, the young master of the Kim household turned his back on the old master and shut the door to the crypt behind him.

“Aaaaaand now, we’re back after our break!” Your co-host chirped from beside you.

The red on-air sign glowed warmly overhead, creating a sense of coziness and heat in the otherwise cold station. You wrapped your cardigan closer around you before adjusting your mic.

“And we’re about to go into our winter break soon. How fitting!” You posited, trying to match your co-host’s energy.

“That’s right! Mugunghwa exams are finally over, and the scores and ranks have already been updated for some! Care to talk about that, (Y/N)?” Taehyung, your co-host, wiggled his sharp eyebrows in his quest to prod for information.

Normally, his rectangular grin and bright eyes would warm your heart. Today, however, you wanted to punch that devilish smirk right off of him. You should have known that Tae would have suddenly caught wind of your latest academic achievement. He’s the university’s most involved (read: nosiest) student. 

“Not really… But you won’t shut up until I do, so…” You sighed as you spun around in your swivel chair. Once you stopped your cycle, you scooted closer to the microphone and cleared your throat. “I got a 98 on the exam. My professor stopped me after class and told me the news.”

Not that anyone but you and the sound director, Yoongi, would see it, but Taehyung’s impish smile turned into a disappointed pout. “Ah, listen to our (Y/N). Always dodging the important questions. Such a tease!”

You shoved him gently and laughed at his comment before shaking your head. “This guy… To everyone who dreams of dating him, work with him first. You’ll see how much of a horrible person he is.”

“Yah! That’s slander! Aren’t journalists supposed to avoid that?”

“I’ll kick your ass.” You licked your lips and began to answer the original question in further detail. “Yeah, so… Anyway, I got a 98 and I guess that warranted me becoming number one…?”

Both Taehyung and Yoongi’s faces dropped. From his booth, you could see Yoongi grimace and in your peripheral, you saw Tae stiffen.

“Up next is Still With You by our resident golden boy Jeon Jungkook. We’ll be back soon. Stay tuned.” 

Suddenly, the on-air sign was turned off. The song began to play and Taehyung immediately gripped your shoulders.

“You what?!” Taehyung nearly screeched. “(Y/N), do you have any idea what this means?!” “That I took Kim Namjoon’s place and sent the fragile society of Mugunghwa into ruin? Yeah, I do.” Tae blinked for a moment. “No… Although, that does make sense. That seems way more important than what I was gonna say. Huh.”

You were actually going to punch the shit out of him. “Dude, what?”

“Listen, this is your chance! You can finally get recognized as the top-tier person that you are! As long as you were under Kim’s big, goofy shadow, you were going to be pushed aside! Now you can show everyone here how cool you are!”

You felt your throat tighten. That all-too-familiar sensation of a goose egg being lodged in your esophagus rose. You were going to cry. How you desperately wished that you could view the world like Taehyung did. How you longed to see the silver lining of every situation just like he did. All you saw was destruction and despair. All you felt was guilt for damning the entire student body to some cruel fate that only Kim Namjoon could dish out.

“Tae, I love you, but you don’t fucking get it! I’m screwed! We’re all screwed! I broke two of the sacred rules of this school! Kim Namjoon must always be first! I must always be second! I just sentenced everyone to death!”

Taehyung raised a brow, as if what you were saying were the incoherent ramblings of a mad woman. “You describe my cousin like he’s some heinous demon.” Even the usually passive Yoongi had to straighten his spine and widen his eyes at this revelation.

“He’s your cousin?!”

Tae leaned back in his seat with yet another smirk. This time, you couldn’t put a finger on the emotion this specific lift of his lips held. “Isn’t the resemblance obvious? The Kim line has some strong genes. It’s been that way since the Joseon era, I’ve been told.”

Ignoring the historical implications for why such strong genes would still be present thousands of years later (assuming that Taehyung was actually serious), you hurried the conversation along. Jungkook’s silky voice had faded away a while ago, leaving the two of you with little to no time left before it was time to open the floor to callers. This was your last chance to get some useful information about Namjoon before you were dragged into what you knew was going to be a relentless storm of phone calls and incredulous screeches at the news.

Like you had said before, you’d damned everyone. Who wouldn’t want to yell at the person that had the audacity to send an entire population into ruin?

“Get to the point, Taehyung. You’re telling me that you’re related to Satan himself? And I’ve been your co-host for how long?!” You near screeched.

Tae’s ambiguous smirk was now replaced with a blank expression. “I didn’t think it mattered, (Y/N). Why does it even matter now? If there’s a bigger issue here, I think you’re dodging it.”

You froze. He was right. For as long as you knew him, Taehyung had this uncanny ability to pick people apart and leave them vulnerable in an instant. This was especially effective on you, you’ve come to realize. The funny thing was that you hadn’t realized that you were employing tactics to postpone the inevitable inundation of accusatory and furious phone calls being thrown your way. Deep down, you always hated confrontation. Until Taehyung uttered those words, you hadn’t realized how deep that hatred and aversion was ingrained.

“Damn. You’re...good… I guess I am avoiding things. Let’s just get this over with. If we hold it off any longer, things will get worse.” You muttered as you looked towards Yoongi’s booth, motioning for him to put you both back on air.

Taehyung placed a comforting hand on your shoulder and flashed his signature boxy smile. “You don’t even know what they’re going to say. Who knows? News of your latest accomplishment may have brought the (Y/N) (L/N) Official Fanclub out of hiding. I bet that there are going to be several callers professing their undying love for you!”

“Their what now?” You asked dumbly.

Taehyung placed a hand on his heart and slipped into a persona reminiscent of the male protagonist of one the many romance dramas that were plastered on television nowadays. His deep voice rumbled the soundproof padding on the walls and wrapped you in its velvety embrace.

“(Y/N), I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I’ve struggled with these emotions for so long, but news of your success has given me the courage to confess them. I can’t quite make heads or tails of them, but I want to explore them all with you…” Not that anyone but you and Yoongi could see the exchange, but Taehyung gently cupped your chin with his large hand and looked longingly into your eyes. “That is, if you’d let me.”

Silence. Then raucous laughter from you and Taehyung. (Yoongi was visibly cringing in his booth.) You expected nothing less from the theater major, but you couldn’t help the delicate fluttering that began in your stomach. Was this the fabled Taehyung Effect at work? The two of you turned to your microphones and opened the floor to callers, as per usual for this segment of your show. What was highly unusual, however, was the heartfelt “confession” that was unwittingly broadcasted to everyone tuned in. Unbeknownst to everyone, the red on-air sign shone above your heads, serving as a beacon or perhaps an unfortunately ignored warning. A warning that your lighthearted joke wasn’t going to be a joke to some.

A warning that the harbinger of doom himself was listening in… A warning that he had now collected leverage over his new enemy… A warning that he was going to destroy you, even if he had to use his own relative to do it. He would surely add this to his rapidly growing arsenal of schemes.

The next day, the very air at Mugunghwa was different. Somehow, despite being the enigmatic second-place student, everyone instinctively knew to distance themselves from you. Biologically speaking, humans were still animals, despite the staunch separation that was created over time. There was still a basal instinct to survive. In this case, that instinct screamed, “Get away from the brainlet that dared to tip the scales and anger Kim Namjoon.” You didn’t blame anyone for their decision. You couldn’t. You’d be the world’s biggest hypocrite if you did, and you didn’t want “hypocrite” to be engraved on your tombstone next to “cold-blooded killer”.

Everywhere you walked, people watched you intently with eyes filled with either fear, confusion, or disgust. You could hear thinly-veiled whispers as you passed your fellow students. 

“There she is.”

“She’s surprisingly pretty. I expected some ugly broad to be under Namjoon’s shadow.”

Ah, yes. You had forgotten your previously fairly secretive life before the shoe dropped. You were content with living under the radar. After all, it kept the vicious rumors of the poor girl who by hook or crook got her way into an elite university on a full-ride scholarship at bay. As long as you held the number two spot, nobody cared about you. News of your arrival and subsequent theories surrounding it were just a fad that most people shortly moved on from. The drastic and sudden change from peaceful irrelevance to hostile notoriety made you nauseous.

The cold air nipped at your flesh while you made your way to the library. Fresh snow made its satisfying crunching sound as you sped towards your destination. Wait. Sped? Only when you looked down at your feet did you realize that your steps were quicker than usual. Needless to say, you were confused at this revelation. Were things really this bad? Why was your body subconsciously hurrying you along when no danger was immediately present? Then, it hit you: If the Kim Taehyung Effect caused your insides to flutter and your heart melt with glee, the Kim Namjoon Effect caused everyone to cower and hide in pure horror. Maybe it ran in the family. After all, the two were related. How that crucial detail managed to slip past you was beyond human understanding.

Soon enough, you made your way into the campus library. Warmth enveloped you and thawed your chilled skin with each step into the large building. The tall bookshelves that towered over you and the other patrons made you feel safe. The walls of knowledge served as barriers from the predatory glares that were shot your way anywhere else. Here, while not entirely forbidden, hushed insults and remarks were more so. The library was your sanctuary when the dormitories weren’t, and with all the girls and even your RA avoiding you like the plague, it was safe to say that your dorm wasn’t very inviting right now.

Whatever it took, you needed to get your mind off of the Namjoon business. Sitting down in the warm silence served to do just that. You absentmindedly wandered through the various sections of the building. The nutty scent of someone’s morning brew filled your nostrils on your journey, easily putting you at ease in an instant. The rhythmic click-clack of someone's fingers against a computer keyboard kept your body grounded to the Earth. It served as a nice tether and protection from your thoughts that threatened to whisk you away into the stratosphere with every step you took.

Your feet took you past the reference section, the nonfiction section, and even the genealogy section before making its final stop at the fiction section. When you first started college, you found it odd that a library carried such books, but you soon came to realize that an escape into another world was appreciated by everyone. A love for fiction did not have an age limit.

You found yourself engrossed in a high fantasy novel by one Bang Sihyuk. (A very talented author, you decided. You made a note to look into some of his other works when you weren’t staring death in the face.) The sweet sound of yet another page turning and revealing more of the lore slowed your racing heart. The subtle smell of ink and glue softened your muscles, willing them to relax into the plush chair. The floor lamp next to you glowed softly and turned the usually stark clash of pitch black lettering against white pages into a mellow brown against cream parchment.

Even if you knew you had to face the wolves outside your sanctuary eventually, you still savored the solace you had in that moment. What you never considered was that those halcyon days were going to soon fall into utter ruin and despair with a singular human-shaped silhouette.

Everywhere Namjoon went, eyes followed. The air around him crackled with apprehension, but he couldn’t care less if he tried. This was natural. The pitiful prey animals around scrambled away for dear life, functioning solely on the fleeting notion that sticking around would spell their demise. Most of the people here were college students beginning their prime. They couldn’t afford to wither away… Not yet, at least… And certainly not here.

Stifled gasps laced with fear and admiration threatened to strangle the poor Kim heir. How he so desperately wished that they would all shut up! The constant buzzing murmur felt like mosquitoes tiptoeing across his skin during the hot and balmy summer months. It was highly annoying, to say the least.

His piercing mocha eyes landed on a target. A mousy figure was dwarfed by Namjoon’s taller and muscular frame. Pair the size difference with his steely and—arguably murderous—gaze fixed on the piteous male before him, both parties were surprised that the smaller student didn’t go into cardiac arrest.

“I would stay to chat, but I have important business to attend to,” Namjoon began. The timbre of his voice seeped into the small man’s bones and rattled them with each syllable. “You obviously know something, or else you wouldn’t be so pathetically fearful.”

The other male gulped audibly. His dull brown eyes stared into Namjoon’s vibrant cocoa ones. His pupils contracted as a cold sweat formed on his forehead and neck. Deep down, he knew that one wrong move would send him spiraling into horrors unimaginable. This was Kim Namjoon he was dealing with. He only had one chance. 

“I don’t know w-what you’re talking about…” He squeaked.

Namjoon narrowed his eyes with clear annoyance and disgust for the situation and the animal shivering before him. This caused the mousy man to gasp sharply.

“Tell me where (Y/N) (L/N) is. It’s a simple request. Even someone of your calibre should be capable of such a mundane task.” Namjoon stated simply. Disdain bled through his words into his tone and seeped into his prey’s already paper-thin psyche.

With a trembling arm, the rodent (as Namjoon decided to call him) pointed in the direction of the campus library. Of course you would be there. It made his blood boil to think that you’d already be in the library after receiving news of your latest feat. Anyone else would be a fool to risk losing such an honor. Studying was the only way to cement your new station as Mugunghwa’s new number one.

Without so much as a half-assed utter of thanks, Namjoon strode off in the direction of the large building. He was so hyper-focused on cutting you down and ensuring that you wouldn’t be a problem again that the signature thud of a body against snow missed his attention completely. The concerned and shocked gasps of onlookers didn’t affect him either.

Soon enough, he was at his destination. The same book-filled shelves and walls that greeted you greeted him at the entrance. Upon seeing his figure, the librarian at the circulation desk straightened in order to greet Namjoon properly. ‘At least one person here knew their place.’ He thought to himself.

“I’m looking for (Y/N) (L/N). It’d be in your best interest to point me in her direction as quickly as possible, Jimin.” Namjoon stated coolly with a tinge of nonchalance. Although he was painfully aware of the importance his little scouting mission served, his seemingly apathetic tone was the result of having said the same thing over and over like a broken record. The sooner he found you and got you to bend the knee, the sooner he could return home to his own studies.

The librarian, Jimin, nodded and swiftly pointed towards the fiction section. His mug of hazelnut coffee threatened to spill at the sudden and crisp motion. “She went that way, towards the fiction books.” He stated plainly. Namjoon couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his features. Jimin was always such an attentive servant. 

Ever since that little incident before Mugunghwa’s annual recital, the dance major felt a deep sense of allegiance towards the older male. He had to. Namjoon was the only reason Park Jimin was able to continue his dream of becoming a world-class dancer, and it was made abundantly clear that what Kim Namjoon giveth, he can just as easily taketh away. Poor Jimin had no idea why you were being sought out by the most powerful student at the university, but he couldn’t help but suppress the gnawing sensation that he was leading you to a painful end.

Once again, forgoing a thank you, Namjoon began the final stretch of his arduous journey to find you and finally set things right in the world. The only issue was that he had no idea who he was looking for, exactly.

Oddly enough, despite your status, you had managed to keep a low profile. Very few people actually knew what you looked like. Hell, your student profile didn’t even have an image of you posted. In fact, the only way people outside of your direct circle of cohorts started to gather what you looked like was because the web connecting (Y/N) (L/N), radio show host and journalism major and (Y/N) (L/N), former number two was finally starting to weave itself. As far as most of the student body was concerned, you were nothing but a faceless placeholder image against a drab gray background. It wouldn’t have surprised Namjoon if you actually walked around with the words, “NO IMAGE AVAILABLE” permanently marked on your body. What he saw, however, was beyond his own comprehension.

There you were, his enemy, his prey. You sat idly in the large cushioned chair with your book nestled delicately in your hands. For the moment, you were blissfully unaware of the danger that loomed nearby. This was almost too easy. Almost as if your presence unlocked a vault to all his plans to destroy you, you looked at him.

And then his world changed. He almost felt sick at the sudden rush of sensory input his brain was forced to parse through. The previously unsaturated hall roared to life with colors he hadn’t even seen before. Warm browns, reds, and hues of every other name shot into Namjoon’s retinas upon gazing at your graceful form. This was (Y/N) (L/N)? This hidden gem? He was meant to demolish this?

He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. He wouldn’t. For the first time in a long time, Kim Namjoon was rendered speechless. His heart began to beat in double-time. If his biological functions were a musical piece, this specific section’s tempo marking would be prestissimo. Beyond vivace, beyond presto.

He couldn’t take it, so for the first time ever, Kim Namjoon ran away.

You didn’t dare move. Fear wrapped its spindly fingers around your heart and clutched it in its icy grasp. You didn’t have to move your eyes off of the page to see who the shadow cast onto it belonged to. Deep down, you knew. 

Goddamn it.

You just knew.

Just when you gathered the courage to face your doom head on, he was gone.

“What the fuck…?” You whispered. Your fantasy novel fell to the ground on its spine with a soft thud. Was this it? Were you officially losing it? Was stress causing you to hallucinate and see literal shadow people?! That was it.

Not wanting to have a literal breakdown in the middle of the library, you honed your senses in on the now cold-smelling coffee nearby. The faint hazelnut blend managed to at least tether you down to reality once more. You took a deep breath. Everything was now in focus. You had to leave, you decided. So that’s what you did.

If the library’s other patrons noticed the shocked, glazed over look in your eyes, nobody said anything. You had just come in contact with the menace. You were lucky to be alive. There’s no need to add insult to injury by inquiring about your current situation. Wordlessly, you ambled out of the library door. Jimin’s small eyes followed your every movement until you were finally out of his line of sight.

Soon enough, you made it to your dorm room. Oddly enough, it felt like you’d walked through a wormhole and warped to the private space. It appears that moving effortlessly through time and space was an eerily common theme that day. Not wishing to dwell on it any further, you plummeted onto your bed and let a dreamless sleep whisk you away from all your troubles.

A month had passed since your clandestine encounter with Namjoon. Surprisingly enough, after the first week or so of living in terror, the foreboding feeling of doom had all but disappeared. Like a colony of ants rebuilding their anthill after a sudden rainstorm, so too did Mugunghwa National Academy rebuild anew. As Thanksgiving rolled into Christmas, the student body had learned to accept that you were now at the top of the food chain. The status quo had shifted in your favor. Students that would previously mutter curses after you passed by would suddenly wave amicably once they noticed your presence.

While the sudden lack of hostility was appreciated, you couldn’t help but notice how shallow the whole situation was. A faint sense of disgust settled at the pit of your stomach. Or was it foreboding, after all? After your encounter with Namjoon’s shadow at the library, the Kim Industries heir had disappeared suddenly. He had disappeared without a trace. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. His scores were still updated regularly; his name was still in the mouths of every man, woman, and child that walked across campus; and you swore that you saw his tall figure slither like a snake behind buildings and shrubbery one time after class. While there was solid proof that he still (at the very least) resided within this plane of existence, Kim Namjoon had achieved cryptid status. Just a month ago, he was the dark overlord that ruled Mugunghwa with an iron fist. Now, he was merely a relic of the past, a name synonymous with the Boogeyman. Kim Namjoon was now used to scare freshmen like tales of a monster under one’s bed were used to frighten young children.

The truth, like all things are, was much more complicated than that. After he met you, his goddess, at the library, Namjoon spiraled out of control. Nothing was the same for him. At first, it was a fleeting rush of endorphins, he had decided. Perhaps the sense of victory he felt after finding his long lost rival caused his brain to go into overdrive with glee. With that in mind, he returned home to lick his wounds and rewrite his battle plans.

The next day, everything seemed normal enough. His world was in grayscale once more. Individuals who weren’t of direct importance to him retained their distorted, blob-like features. His senses were mostly dulled once again… Until you appeared. You walked across campus with grace that put the supermodels that his father regularly “worked with” to shame. To be honest, they looked like pitiful crows with snapped legs when put up against your stork-like elegance.

His previously unsaturated world regained its color. His heart rate increased, warmth filled his veins as a result. Everything was crisply in focus when it came to you. For the first time in a long time, Kim Namjoon was terrified… But that’s what intrigued him all the more. Once you left his sight, however, the blooming colors vanished. Everything was blurred again. The warmth had died and left him empty, hollow, and cold. After a few days of this occurrence, Namjoon made his biggest realization yet: he was in love with you.

He was quick to write it off as pure lust. After all, remaining at the top didn’t leave much time for him to indulge in more carnal pleasures. Hell, the only thing he could remember slamming on a table on doing all night long was homework, as old and pathetic as the joke was. Namjoon was a dashing, intelligent young man beginning to reach his prime. Abstaining from such a primal and basic need wasn’t good for him. With that in mind, he immediately began his conquest.

First, it started with the models his father would fuck behind his mother’s back. Despite how carefully manufactured their appearances were, they didn’t quench his thirst. In fact, they enraged Namjoon to the point where it wasn’t uncommon for the women to leave his bedroom bruised the next morning. This charade went on for much too long until he’d had enough.

No other woman could set his heart aflame without even trying. No other woman could bring life to his distorted and achromatic world like you could. So he tried a man. Several men, in fact. He got so desperate that not even his little Park Jimin was safe from his ravenous clutches.

Nothing. Nothing had worked.

Now, as the clock struck midnight in his grand bedroom, Namjoon sat in his bed with his hand wrapped around his cock. He’d been so on edge for the longest time, yet nothing he did could stir him. So, he did the only thing he knew how… Thoughts of you filled his mind as he ghosted a finger across his limp member. The warmth he felt was returning once more…

“Namjoon! There you are! I’ve been so lonely… Don’t you know that I’ve missed you?” 

There you were in the Kim manor’s living room. A black silk robe hugged your form perfectly as you bounded over to him. Golden sunlight filtered through the curtains and cast you in its heavenly warm glow. Your (E/C) eyes peered up at him with such admiration, lust, and most importantly, love. Before he could even properly process the scene, you had him enveloped in the warmest hug imaginable.

Namjoon felt a rush of lust and blood shoot straight to his dick.

“I know, darling… But I’m here now. We can be together. I’m all yours from now on.” He replied smoothly.

Namjoon didn’t even think it possible for your eyes to shine any brighter, but they did. And they were all for him. Your eyes, your beautiful eyes, for his eyes only… He gently caressed your cheek, careful not to mark it. The time for leaving marks and bruises would come later on… 

“Really?” You asked. Your entire face lit with hope and wonder. “You mean it? Please don’t tease me, baby~. I don’t know what I’d do if you had to go so soon…” 

You buried yourself into him, as if you knew that your home was within his embrace. He relished in it. He really did…

Namjoon felt feverish. His hands got to work immediately. Visions of you nestled against him, starlit eyes gazing into his, your form undulating beneath him as he pounded into you with everything he had. Your ecstatic moans and gasps filled his ears and mind, creating a carnal symphony only you could compose.

Sweat beaded on his temples, his arms beginning to burn with exhaustion as they continued to bring him to completion. Musical, “I love you, Namjoon”s and “Please! I’m so close, baby! Fuck me!”s began to crescendo rapidly. The world around him went from a gentle warmth to a blazing inferno. Colors reached their maximum saturation. Namjoon’s heart began to beat erratically. This was it. This was it! This is what he needed!

“Yes, (Y/N). You’re so good to me! Take it! Take it!!”

With an animalistic roar, Namjoon shot his seed. It coated his body and even his blanket that he pushed aside in his lustful fever. The fireworks came to a close. His jagged breaths began to even themselves out. The angels stopped singing. He was alone once more… But he wouldn’t be for long.

Tears filled Namjoon’s vision as he looked at his clock. Time wasn’t important anymore… But you were. He was going to have you, and he was going to become number one again. Kim Namjoon was going to be your number one.

Just like that, the year of terror had come and gone. Now, a new year was upon you and another December along with it. You stared up at your dorm room’s ceiling with a dumb smile etched on your face. After all, that was the only expression you could possibly muster, given the circumstances. 

“Damn… What the hell happened to me?” Was all you managed to say as you turned onto your side. Your phone in hand, you scrolled through your photo gallery almost absentmindedly until you reached one particular photo. There you were at a carnival with the Devil incarnate, Kim Namjoon. Your eyes bright with glee at the large plush you held in one arm as you posed with Namjoon for a selfie.

You chuckled and zoomed in on the image with a wistful smirk. While you stared ahead at the camera, Namjoon stared at you with an expression that you didn’t even know that he possessed: pure, unadulterated admiration. You were almost inclined to call it love.

The past year and some change was a whirlwind. Your earliest memory of it consisted of finally coming to terms with the ecosystem at Mugunghwa, only to be faced with Namjoon and your whole world coming down. Students and staff alike scurried away from the dining area, not wanting to be a witness to a crime. You had gained new friends over the course of these months. They simply couldn’t stand to see your last moments on this earth in complete agony.

However, your death never came. Namjoon stood proudly in the now empty cafeteria, as if he relished in the fact that he could clear a room without uttering a single word.

“(Y/N) (L/N). It’s so good to finally put a name to a face… And what a lovely face it is…”

If Namjoon wasn’t going to kill you, the water lodged in your windpipe at his words would. You sputtered, hands waving as you choked on your water. Suddenly, Namjoon came behind you and swiftly patted your back. Once you could breathe again, you wiped at your tear-filled eyes and peered up at him. “I’m sorry… What?”

Namjoon returned to his original position in front of you with a smirk. Pulling out a chair, he sat down with the practiced air of a businessman about to make a deal. “I called you beautiful. I do hope that wasn’t too forward.”

Now, you were suspicious. Satan himself had saved you from choking and was now calling you attractive? Were you dead? Did you imagine Namjoon helping you as a last-ditch effort to survive somehow? Was that the image your brain created as you slipped away into the world of the dead? But this was reality. Something deep down told you that you weren’t dying or dreaming.

“Forgive my skepticism, but I highly doubt that you came to exchange compliments. What do you want, Kim Namjoon?” You asked icily. The male in front of you visibly recoiled at your tone, as if he didn’t factor in the possibility that you could speak with such a tone. He quickly recovered, however, and he began his pitch.

“You’re half right, (Y/N). I didn’t come here to only compliment you, but I came here to have a discussion that is long overdue. At my core, I am a businessman. I make deals, I negotiate. That’s what I’m here to do.” Namjoon stated simply. Looking deeply into his eyes, he didn’t show any signs of insincerity, but that’s to be expected. He’s been trained his entire life to hiding his true intentions behind an amicable facade, regardless of how nefarious his plans may or may not be.

“I see… What is it that you wish to discuss? I’m afraid that I’m not as well-versed in business etiquette as you, so please forgive me for any mistakes or slip-ups that I may make. That being said, this is not an invitation to walk all over me. I may be inexperienced, but I am by no means an idiot.”

Could you be any more perfect for him? A beautiful face and body, poise and grace, and the courage to hold her own in a negotiation? Not to mention, the colors were swirling around you and blooming delicately in such a comforting fashion. He was absolutely smitten.

“I wouldn’t dare make the mistake of calling someone who replaced me as top dog an idiot. Give me some credit. I’m not as vile as the university’s tall tales make me out to be. I’m sure that my cousin, Taehyung, could vouch for me.”

You bristled at the mention of Taehyung. What had he done to him? Did something happen? No, that couldn’t be. You had just finished your show with Tae only a half hour ago. Surely, that isn’t enough time for him to get into any trouble, right?

“Calm down, (Y/N). Nothing’s happened to him. I can see the wheels turning in your head. My cousin is safe and sound. I can even call him up for you, if you don’t believe me.” Namjoon said smoothly, already fishing his phone out of his designer coat’s pocket.

“No, that’s fine…” You swallowed and regained your composure. Once you were calmed down, you returned Namjoon’s gaze. “I’m sure he’s alright. If anything, I’ll call him later. Right now, this is more important.”

Namjoon put his phone away and leaned back in his chair whilst giving a dismissive wave of his hand. Hopefully, the display of nonchalance would mask the sheer excitement and feverish nervousness he felt from being so close to you. Hearing your voice was like hearing the soothing melodies of birdsong in the morning. His heart soared at the mere act of being in your presence.

“Very well. I came here to apologize. You see, I’m well aware of the distress to you and everyone here at Mugunghwa that I’ve caused, and for that, I’m sorry.”

You could have died right there. Kim Namjoon? Apologizing? And apologizing to you, no less?! The infamous heir to Kim Industries, known for the downfall of any and everyone who dared impede his goals was apologizing to you?!

“Please, (Y/N). Forgive me. It’s just that losing to you has put my life into perspective. Yes, I was the head of our class, but what did that mean? Why was I fighting so hard to keep a title that in the long run, means so little? What was the point if I had no one to share it with?”

“What the hell are you getting at, Kim? I fail to see what this has to do with conducting business.”

As precious as you were to him, Namjoon despised your tone. If you were to be his, that sharp tongue would have to be dealt with. Besides, in that instant, you reminded him of his lowlife father. That certainly wouldn’t do. His queen should never adopt the mannerisms of Kim Joonho. Never. Ever. You were to whisper sweet nothings into his ear while he reciprocated. You were to never take such a tone with him ever again.

“I was rambling, so I’ll forgive that insolent remark of yours just this once. Make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Namjoon stated darkly.

Not wanting to push your luck, you relented. You were actually talking to Kim Namjoon. You couldn’t afford to ruin an opportunity like this.

“Right.” He resumed “The truth is that I’ve been watching you for quite some time. Honestly, that’s all I can ever do anymore. You’ve occupied every inch of my mind, and I just wanted to ask if you’d be mine, (Y/N).”

You sat there, slack-jawed. Was he serious?! What was happening?

“You’re joking… There’s no way that you could be serious. There’s no fucking way!”

“I am. I’ve done some soul-searching recently, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you are what I’ve been fighting for all this time. Not a damn class rank. I’ve been fighting for love, affection, understanding… And I believe that I can find all of that in you.”

“You… What…? I- How?”

“February 14, a dozen red roses were waiting for you on your desk in your dorm. With them, was a card addressed to you from a secret admirer. March 14, a diamond necklace was gifted to you for White Day by a secret admirer. And now, these.”

Namjoon produced a stack of envelopes bound by a black silk ribbon from his jacket pocket.

“These are from me. You’re a smart girl, (Y/N). Can you tell me who your secret admirer is?”

That was April. After a few talks with your co-host and having to sit through embarrassing stories of their childhoods, you finally took the leap and went out on a date with Namjoon… And you were the happiest you’ve ever been. The large stuffed animal that Namjoon had won you sat on a bookshelf, next to several other trinkets he had given you over the months you had dated.

You chuckled to yourself at the memory and closed your photos app. After which, you opened up your messaging app to shoot a quick text to Namjoon. That was until, you got a notification reading,

KIM INDUSTRIES CEO, KIM JOONHO FOUND DEAD IN HIS WINTER ESTATE.

Without thinking, you dialed Namjoon’s number and was greeted by a somber moan answering the phone.

“Namjoon, baby, I’m so sorry… I just saw the news.”

A sniff. “Hey. So the news outlets already published the story, huh? I should have known that it wouldn’t take long… They could at least have the common decency of letting his corpse grow cold first before they publicize it.” Namjoon chuckled humorlessly.

You didn’t know what to say. You couldn’t imagine going through the sudden shock of losing your parent, only to deal with the press soon afterward. You sensed that Namjoon needed some time to himself to grieve, and you were more than willing to give it to him.

“Yeah, it’s shitty what they’re doing. And to think that I’m going into that profession. It’s crazy.”

“It is what it is, (Y/N). Besides, I have faith that you’ll be one of the good journalists that don’t try to weave everything that they hear into lies and defamation.” He said earnestly.

Something about the way Namjoon spoke was unnerving. He didn’t sound like someone who was mourning their late father, but then again, he might have been in shock. His apathetic demeanor on the matter must have been a coping mechanism. After all, losing your father so suddenly is a lot to process.

All you could do is hum in response. “I’m glad you think so.”

“I know so, dear.”

A pregnant pause.

“Hey, (Y/N). I know this sounds horribly insensitive, but, can we still have our dinner date at my mansion? It’s just that I can’t bear to be alone right now, and you’re the only person I’ve been able to trust lately. It doesn’t have to be a date. I guess I just want you to come over.”

Your heart shattered into smithereens. He was alone and scared. Namjoon had no one to trust or turn to in his time of need, yet he found it within his heart to ask you. Who were you to refuse?

“Alright. I’ll go. Same time?”

He didn’t have to say a word, but you could hear his dimpled smile some out to play.

“Y-yes, yes, of course! Same time! Thank you so much, (Y/N). You don’t know how much this means to me. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

“Alright, see you soon. Bye.”

You hung up the phone with a sigh and faced your closet. You had exactly two hours to get ready for dinner. You had two hours to prepare…

And so did Namjoon.

Once again, Namjoon was summoned to his father’s study. He was expecting it sooner or later. His class rank hadn’t improved since his father sent him to take his top spot back by any means necessary, but you were number one now. Namjoon wouldn’t dare dethrone his goddess from her rightful pedestal.

What he wasn’t expecting, however, was upon opening the large doors a swift slap coming across his face.

“You useless, useless brat! You can’t even eliminate a simple girl?! You can’t even reclaim your title?! How am I supposed to leave my estate and company in such incapable hands?!”

Joonho was fuming. His once pride and joy had betrayed him and disappointed him. How dare he? Namjoon sat on the floor, gingerly rubbing his cheek. He was sure his father’s handprint was burned into his flesh.

“I swear, you’re incompetent just like your brother! He disappointed me, and look at where he is now! I should have known that it was too good to be true.”

At the mention of his brother, Namjoon’s body stiffened.

“All of this. You’re ruining your life and your career all for some girl?! You’re willing to throw away what I’ve essentially bred you for, all for some lowlife pussy?!”

At the mention of you, Namjoon began to see red.

“I suppose I’ve been too lenient on you. I should have known that you would flounder. Maybe I’ll get rid of (Y/N) myself. It’s clear that she means a lot to you. Maybe you’ll get back in line once she perishes.”

That was the final straw. With pure rage fueling his every cell, Namjoon sprinted over to his father’s desk and grabbed his letter opener.

“Say it again, bastard! Say it again!”

Now, Joonho’s figure was dissolving into a crimson blob. All of his human like features were gone in a furious red haze. Kim Joonho wasn’t his father anymore. He wasn’t even human. 

He was the enemy.

Without giving his father a chance to speak, Namjoon plunged the letter opener into the older man’s eye sockets. After that, it was a blur. Hours had seemingly passed and Kim Joonho was nothing but a human pincushion. Stab wounds littered his body, and blood was oozing out of every one. With a satisfied grin, Namjoon stood and cupped a crimson hand to his face.

“Seokjin! Seokjin! Come down here!”

The head butler rushed in the study and into the carnage. The older male was mortified at the bloodbath before him, but he couldn’t help the relieved smile and tears of joy forming in his tear ducts.

“Brother, come help me clean up father. Unless, of course, you have some words for him?”

Seokjin carefully approached his father’s corpse and smiled wickedly. He placed a gloved hand on his eyeless face.

“You’ve disappointed me, Joonho. And now look where that’s brought you. My transgressions against you warranted that I were to be stripped of my place in the world as your son, only to become your servant. Your transgressions warranted your death at the hands of your prodigy. Isn’t that poetic justice? Sleep well, father.”

“Master Namjoon will be down in a moment.” A maid stated as she had you seated.

A white cloth napkin was folded and placed on your lap while you got comfortable in the antique dining chair. Staff hurried to and fro to finish preparing for your meal, and it was almost amusing seeing them rush around like busy worker bees instead of the esteemed staff of the Kim Manor.

A few moments ticked away before Namjoon made his appearance. He was elegantly clad in a designer Armani suit, giving a regal and princely appearance as he made his way over to you from the grand foyer.

“Please forgive me, dear. I had some business to attend to.”

Namjoon outstretched his arms, motioning for you to give him a hug. You happily obliged.

“Namjoon! There you are! I’ve been so lonely… Don’t you know that I’ve missed you?” You cheekily giggled. If you ignored the whole dead dad situation, the whole scene would appear wholesomely domestic. You decided to indulge in that notion.

Namjoon’s breath hitched.

“I’m sorry that I’ve kept you waiting. I hope that we can make up for lost time during dinner, yeah?”

You nodded and sat down in your chair. Namjoon was seated right beside you. As if on cue, the staff brought in your dishes. A classic Christmas dinner, consisting of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, ham, and vegetables was placed in front of you. On a small dish nearby, some cranberry jelly sat. You tried to hide the grimace at the red jelly. You were by no means a fan of the garnish, but you didn’t want to appear picky or ungrateful, especially considering the reason why you were having dinner with Namjoon in the first place.

Ever the attentive partner, Namjoon was keen on noticing your inner turmoil. “Is something not to your liking?”

“Uh, it’s just… I don’t really like cranberry jelly… That’s all.”

Namjoon looked utterly dumbfounded before letting out a joyful, booming laugh. “That’s all? Oh, (Y/N). You had me worried! I thought that I’d ruined the whole meal for you!”

His fork stabbed into a piece of turkey and he dipped the meat into the red gelatin.

“But, please do try the jelly. My brother and I, we made it for this occasion. I promise it’s nothing like the canned slop they sell in grocery stores.”

Namjoon made this? Now, this you had to try.

“Alright. Since you went through the effort of making it, I’ll give it a shot.”

You copied Namjoon’s actions of taking a slice of turkey and dipping it in the cranberry jelly. With the expression of a chef on Chopped, Namjoon eagerly watched as you placed the food in your mouth.

“Mmm! This is delicious! Namjoon, you should sell this! This is amazing!”

Another laugh came from Namjoon, although, this one had an arguably maniacal lilt. “Why, thank you, but I’m afraid that this specific batch is one of a kind. Besides, cranberry jelly isn’t the most profitable market out there.”

Little did you know that you had just ingested Kim Joonho’s coagulated blood. Perhaps that was why his cranberry jelly was one of a kind.

Merry Christmas.

[wissbby]

“Open my notes, please.” - Oikawa Tōru

Date: the tenth of July, 2020 Warnings: angst, TW: (”break-in”) Word count: 1179

You knew you were getting worse with each minute passing by. 

Days started to melt together. You got to a point where you couldn't even tell the days apart. Every day was the same.

You woke up, brushed your teeth, had a cup of coffee, left for school and came straight home after it had ended to crawl back into your bed and sleep until the clock struck one. 

Then, you went down to drink two-thirds of a glass filled with water along with half an apple and head back to bed again.

Your new behaviour caught Oikawa's eye all too quickly. The dark circles under your eyes that got bigger with the days, your cheekbones that popped out a tat bit more, your adjourned reactions and movements, the lack of motivation and the low amount of dopamine you'd usually radiate were gone, nowhere to be seen.

He had tried multiple times to reach out to you, all of his attempts going down the drain after you told him for another time you were simply "just tired". 

But Oikawa knew this went beyond just “being tired”.

Nevertheless, he thought you might just be in a bad mood. Maybe you were menstruating and were a little more distant.

So he never pushed you any further.

A good five days went by when Oikawa started to miss your touch, your attention and most importantly, your presence. 

Before your sudden turn of behaviour, the two of you would always be near each other. Oikawa had practice? You'd sit on the bench doing homework or just simply watching the beautiful setter spike some volleyballs, some of them hitting the ground that harsh they'd explode.

It had happened twice,  both times ending with a scolding Iwaizumi.

Nothing on schedule? The two of you would walk home together, hands puzzled into one another perfectly, sometimes even swaying your arms with your movements. Once reaching the house, you'd simply turn on the TV and start the show from where you'd left off. Basking in each other's arms, warmth and smell was a weekly, if not daily, occurrence.

"I haven't seen Y/n in a bit. Why isn’t she with you anymore?" Iwaizumi and Oikawa were the only two left in the gym. Oikawa practically begged Iwaizumi to toss him a couple of balls, promising he'd go right home after practice to rest.

Iwaizumi had noticed your lack of presence during the last couple of days. It was an unfamiliar feeling to not scold his friends for being way too clingy for his liking.

Besides that, he cared for you as well.

"I don't even know myself," Oikawa replied, putting the basket with volleyballs away before closing the door of the storage cabinet. 

"Aren't you worried about her?" It was a simple question, an expected question, even. Nonetheless, Oikawa didn’t have the right answer ready. It made him wonder whether he was a good boyfriend.

"Of course I am, Iwa-chan. What do you take me for?" The question was asked in a playful voice, nothing but Oikawa's fake reassurance sugar coating his words. 

Iwaizumi left it by that. His friend was old enough to realise he needed to see his lover, check up on you and be there for you. 

"I know you know, shittykawa," Iwaizumi huffed out before leaving his friend behind as he walked home with his hands stuffed into his pockets.

There was an uneasy feeling blooming into Oikawa's chest, the task of filling his lungs with air a lot harder than normal. It felt like his heart crumbled like a flower getting crushed in one's palm.

Iwaizumi's words stuck to the pretty setter. 

⇝

You sat on your couch, the TV displaying a show that you hadn’t given attention whatsoever. The TV silenced the voices in your head out, nothing more than a slight distraction. 

Even with your eyes fixated on the screen, you saw nothing more than blurry shots, your gaze unfocused. 

You felt numb, nothing impressing you.

It was then that you felt cold metal being pressed against your temporal bone. At first, you thought it was the cold wind rushing past you. However, when it pressed harder into your skin, the metal making contact with your skull if it hadn't been for the layer of skin and muscles. You realized this wasn't the wind passing by.

"Give me your money," a voice thundered behind your still body. The intruder had placed his hand on top of your shoulder, gaining a bit more stability. 

"I haven't received my paycheck yet," you replied. There were no emotions in your tone, voice flat. 

No panic, no anxiety, not even a hint of fear.

"I guess I'll have to kill you then," he announced, a hint of sadistic pleasure and amusement shimmering through his tone.

You moved your head to face the intruder, hand grabbing the gun and putting it against your forehead. Closing your eyes and taking one last breathe, you spoke out, "Open the notes on my phone before you head out, please."

Seconds passed by, your head still intact. It made you furrow your brows slightly. At that very moment, you noticed how the intruder wrapped his hand around his balaclava and pulled it from off his face.

It revealed your very own boyfriend, hurt projected from his brown-coloured irises. The only time you had seen your boyfriend broken was the night he slit into bed after losing the match against Karasuno.

His last chance to go to Nationals.

"Y/n," he whispered out, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes that he tried to bat away by blinking his eyes repeatedly. 

He should be strong.

The lack of emotions that you were displaying, was an indicator of how bad you were actually doing. 

Oikawa was already beating himself up for not reaching out sooner. "If I had just taken it seriously from the very beginning."

In moments like these, Oikawa never wanted to speak up. Words could never and would never explain the pain that spread like a wildfire through his body. 

He wrapped his arms around you tightly, fully engulfing you in his warmth and love. How he wished you could feel his love radiating from his body.

He didn't feel your arms wrapping around him like you usually would.  And that was okay.

He just wanted to show you he was there with you. He wanted to show you he loved you. He wanted to tell you it was going to be okay. He wanted to tell you that he loved you so much.

And he did.

"I love you, Y/n." They were simple words, words you had exchanged thousands of times, each time with love and nothing but the truth. 

But they held so much more meaning in this very moment.

There was no verbal response. Instead, he could feel the way you slowly and weakly wrapped your arms around him, face pushed into his chest. 

Squeezing you a little tighter, he pressed his lips softly against your forehead. 

He was there for you. 

[rpgmgames]

August’s Featured Game: Shroom Soup

DEVELOPER(S): Shroomy ENGINE: RPGMaker 2000 GENRE: Adventure, RPG, Psychological Horror WARNINGS: listed here (may contain spoilers) SUMMARY: You play as Arnika, a gloomy teenage girl. Perpetually tired, you live off excessive sleep, lime juice, and instant soup. You look into the vortex forming in your cup of said soup, this time mushroom flavour. Next thing you know, you are in an entirely different world where everything, from buildings to people, is being devoured by fungi. It seems like you have no choice but to walk on... Your journey involves exploration, puzzle-solving and battles.

Download the demo here!

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! Hello! I am Shroomy, and I still haven't figured out which one of my nicknames I should go by, but I use "uboaappears" for art and "toxic shroom swamp" for games. I have a bachelor's degree in biology since two weeks ago and like everything surreal, gory and gay. Nice to meet you. I have been in the community since about 2012, and that might be also when I first wanted to make a game - a Yume Nikki fangame, because YN brought me here. I messed around with the engine for a long time, and certain characters and ideas gradually mutated to whatever this is now.

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Shroomy: It's about making a cup of instant soup and accidentally going on a very weird adventure. ...Okay, actually, it's a coming-of-age story with an emphasis on mental health, relationships, and toxic flesh-eating mushrooms. The idea came to me when I made myself an instant soup once. For some reason, I thought it would be cool if there was a portal into another world in the cup. That's how it started. (I was also into drawing mushrooms growing on people at the time, so that naturally made its way into my Awesome Game Idea.)

How long have you been working on your project? *Shroomy: ...A while. It's enough to say that I graduated from both high school and university with it. But to be honest, I didn't really do much with it until about two years ago. Right now I tend to think of the time before that as trial and error, playing around with ideas and learning to use the engine. I feel a little self-conscious about how long it took me to come up with a coherent story, but that might be a good thing. Since this is quite a personal game, it helped to grow as a person. I think it made for a more interesting and mature work than it would be otherwise.

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Shroomy: I feel like I take little bits of inspirations from everything. But I'd say Yume Nikki and Re:Kinder were the biggest game influences. Maybe Hello Charlotte, too - the minimalistic world gave me some food for thought :> Design-wise, I think my current (character) style is a lovechild of Danganronpa, Killing Stalking and something else I am not sure about. Maybe just me.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Shroomy: I think the biggest challenges for me have always been centered around the lack of free time, the lack of energy or the lack of motivation. Some people manage to juggle life and gamedev, but I get exhausted really easily, so it's hard. This is an ongoing issue. I tend to try and free up a day just for relaxing and creative stuff. I've also started using the Forest app for focusing on things, and sometimes use it for gamedev as well. At the beginning I found it frustrating that my skills (in pixel art, for example) didn't match what I wanted to create. That one was improved by - you guessed it - making a lot of pixel art. Making and scrapping a bunch of tilesets for the game. It's as simple as practice and learning how to get the most out of your art program. (It also helps me to make a detailed sketch of a map before I start working, or at least brainstorm the main elements of it.) Another challenge was the incoherence of the story. Originally I wanted to make something really vague and open to interpretation, but... that actually didn't give me enough material to work with. In the end, I played around with the characters, tried to write them some backstories that no one was going to see, and somehow ended up with an actual plot..? Shocking, I know! And the final thing is putting gameplay into the game. To be honest, the puzzles in the demo were pretty random on my side, I just thought them up on the spot. In subsequent locations I tried to make them relevant to the game's themes and/or hint towards the story.

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Shroomy: For one thing, the current project has a story and a plan, even if the story is presented in quite an obfuscated way. The original concept was not much more than an idea of a shroomy world. The characters also have a lot more depth and pain to them than they used to. The locations have changed a lot as well, to the point where most of the original ones don't exist anymore.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Shroomy: My team is mostly just me. At the beginning it was a young and naive me, and now we have a slightly older and better-at-art me. After I started my dev blog, I was contacted by Tommuel, who now helps me with sound design and music. And my old friend Robin has made a few NPC sprites for me, and might give a hand with more pixel art in the future. They're not really involved with other aspects of development, but I really appreciate their help anyway! I prefer to keep most of this game to myself - it feels too personal to share, plus I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

What is the best part of developing the game? *Shroomy: I would say it's putting my work out there and sharing it with the world. I'm also really proud of how much I've grown as an artist and writer through developing this. I got attached to this story and this world, with all of its fun, weird and sad details. It's also been really fun, amazing even, to get to know other devs and make friends through being part of this interesting and creative community. I owe some wonderful friendships to it.

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Shroomy: I definitely play other games for inspiration, it helps me a lot. Though I try not to make things "just like" other games, but make it a transformative learning experience instead.

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Shroomy: I feel like I have been through stages. At first I was Arnika, then Lina, now I feel like I'm turning into Arthur. I guess I put my traits into all of them. (Does that mean that Bernard is the next stage? I'm /so/ ready to transcend humanity, finally learn how to do maths and become everyone's favourite character.)

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Shroomy: I think the biggest mistake I made was jumping straight into making a game without thinking it through or considering the scope. In the end, the lack of planning set me back a lot. Admittedly, I was young and excitable, so I guess it was a learning experience? I didn't really know how to write stories or plan long-term projects, but over time, I somehow built up those skills. I think it's good to have a clear-ish idea of what you want to make before you start, and maybe start with something small. (So basically, do the opposite of what I did.)

Once you finish your project, do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Shroomy: Aha. Actually, yes. I have accidentally started writing two sequels already. They will be small games focusing on other characters' perspectives (as opposed to Arnika). I'm not actually touching them yet though, only making some notes and writing scripts. Perhaps by the time the first game is released I'll have enough material to comfortably work on them.

What do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Shroomy: Fan reaction, I think? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I think I'll just be enjoying the incredible dopamine rush after finally setting this child of mine free to explore the world and infect people's brains with all the shroomy memes it contains. (Also will probably get off the internet for about a week from the anxiety.) Then maybe being free to work on other things, indeed. And posting spoilery concept art >:D

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Shroomy: I am a little worried about the reception of the game's subject matter. If you looked at the list of warnings, you might have an idea what I mean. Sometimes it feels dangerous to explore certain themes in your stories, because people misinterpret depicting something bad as promoting it, for example. But that's why that list exists. I'm just going to let people know straight away that I explore dark themes in this project and I'm not going to hold back on how I do it. Creativity should flow freely, I think. (I am also a little worried about the ratio of my free time vs. gamedev time and /when/ I will finally be able to release it, but... Thankfully, I'm the one in charge of that.)

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Shroomy: Take some time to make a plan for your project, start small, fail faster, and aim for something finished before you aim for perfect. Make a system for organising your files. Back up often, and on a different drive/cloud than your game is on, preferably several. Most of all, make something you would love to play! And don't be too hard on yourself.

Question from last month's featured dev @blackcrystalsrpg: What are your game dev pet peeves?? *Shroomy: I dislike the fact that sometimes I want to have made a game more than I want to make a game, but to have made a game you need to go and make the game. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But there's no escape from fate, so... go, go and make that game happen!

We mods would like to thank Shroomy for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Shroom Soup if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[idk-where-im-going-but]

Touch That Warms The Heart

Thanks to @all-da-fandoms for the title and @spectralheartt for beta-ing y’all are awesome

Word count: 2241

Virgil has always had a problem with words.

All types of words—whether they’re on paper, in his head, or coming out of his mouth. When he writes, his words are incomprehensible even to himself. When he thinks, he does more harm than good (usually to himself), and when he speaks, he almost always sounds stupid.

So he mostly doesn’t write or speak (he can’t do much about the thinking problem) but, unsurprisingly, that can be a problem when humans—and sides—more often than not use words to communicate with each other. It’s really no wonder that Virgil is misunderstood constantly.

Sometimes, though, this is more than just a problem—it’s a fucking travesty.

——-

Virgil realized what he needed at two in the morning on a Saturday and it was absolutely Patton’s fault.

He was sitting on the left-most cushion of the couch, Patton immediately to his right with Logan and Roman next to him. Virgil was the only one awake, the others having fallen asleep hours ago, but his eyes were closed nonetheless. He’d surrendered himself to the fact that he would not be getting any sleep before morning, but there was no reason to keep his eyes open in a room without light, so he let them shut.

Virgil didn’t know if he’d been sitting there for 30 seconds, five minutes, or an hour when he felt something warm and heavy fall onto his right shoulder. His eyes snapped open immediately and he sucked in breath through his nose, turning to his shoulder. He wasn’t surprised to find Patton’s head resting there, snoring and smiling slightly.

Virgil sighed and closed his eyes once again, suddenly a bit drowsy and sleepy. It was then that he truly felt the weight on his shoulder and the heat that had begun seeping through his hoodie. It felt...nice, having someone so near. Really nice.

So when Patton shifted and his head fell onto Logan’s shoulder, Virgil felt cold. Not outwardly, no, but as if the lack of contact had made him empty. That concerned Virgil—the fact that physical contact could have that much of an affect on him.

Before he could overthink, Virgil reached over carefully, lifting Patton’s head from Logan’s shoulder with his left hand and resting it back on his own. Virgil smiled at the warmth that filled him, then frowned. Oh, Virgil thought. Shit.

Because physical contact was something Virgil liked, so much so that he felt cold without it, but what’s he going to do—ask the other sides to touch him?

The anxious side involuntarily winced at his thoughts, jostling Patton. The moral side shifted and yawned, opening his eyes groggily. Virgil, realizing they we’re still touching, gently shoved Patton off his shoulder and practically ran to his room, ignoring Patton’s confused What? and locking the door behind him.

Virgil did not leave his room the next day. The other sides knew that sometimes he needed time alone and did not question him or express any concern (Patton’s questioning glances were ignored and dismissed).

Virgil kept his head down for the next few days.

——-

It happened with Roman one week after Virgil’s epiphany.

Every Sunday, Roman wakes up early with Patton, cooking breakfast and singing or humming Disney songs while dancing around the kitchen as they work. So when Virgil leaves his room for breakfast he’s not at all surprised to see Patton and Roman dancing together, spinning through the kitchen with their fingers intertwined. (Virgil ignores the pang of jealousy within him—not for either one of them specifically but simply for the fact that they’re holding hands.)

Virgil makes his way into the kitchen, settles at the table, and immediately takes his phone from his pocket and opens Tumblr, scrolling mindlessly. His attention is completely elsewhere, despite his efforts to focus on the amount of shitposts and depressing memes glaring back at him, because Roman and Patton are still singing, still dancing, still holding hands. Until—

“Kiddo, you’ve gotta let me go now! Who else is going to make you my famous Patton Pancakes?” Patton smiles at Roman as he whines and begins to dance toward the stove, pulling his hands away from Roman’s. “Dance with Virge over there! I’m sure Ballroom is just his style.”

“But Daaad,” Roman frowns but relents when he receives no response, “Okaaay.” He turns to Virgil, who is still pretending to be paying attention to his phone, and drops to one knee, extending his hand. Virgil puts his phone down, faking confusion at Roman’s presence. The prince smiles widely and clears his throat dramatically, “Will you, Virgil, in all your anxious excellence, allow me the pleasure of being your dance partner this fine, Sunday morning.”

And what is Virgil to do but say yes—not for the sake of the dancing, of course, but Virgil would be lying if he said he didn’t hope they would hold hands. Honestly though, Virgil would settle for anything at this point.

It’s been an entire week since Patton’s head was on his shoulder and he’s gotten very little to no physical contact with the other sides, so he’s feeling a little (see: very, very) empty.

So Virgil could not blame himself for the smile that graced his face when the warmth of Roman’s hands began to seep into his. Nor can he judge himself for slipping his eyes closed, trusting Roman to lead him. When the prince began humming a different tune, a slow one, Virgil did judge himself for resting his forehead on Roman’s shoulder, but he did not move because Roman did not ask him to.

The two sides danced slowly around the kitchen in that position for nearly ten minutes before Patton announced that breakfast was ready, leaving to inform Logan, who was in his room. The anxious side made no move to distance himself from Roman, but soon the prince pushed him gently away, keeping their fingers interlocked between their bodies and stepping back. Virgil opened his eyes slowly and was met with the sight of Roman’s eyes observing him shrewdly, the creative side’s mouth pulled down into a frown. “Hey, Virge,” Roman spoke gently, squeezing Virgil’s hands in his, and Virgil was coherent enough to detect the concern in his voice. “You okay?”

Virgil nodded sluggishly and reluctantly pulled his hands away from Roman. He could feel his heart begin to freeze over from the lack of warmth as he walked to the chair he was previously sitting in and slouched, reopening Tumblr. Roman sat across from Virgil and the anxious side could feel the weight of his gaze.

“Hey! I’ve got Logan!” Patton rushed to the kitchen table with Logan trailing behind him, sitting down next to Roman while Logan sat with Virgil.

“They can see that, Patton.” Logan said dryly.

Roman turned his attention from Virgil and made eye contact with Logan instead, exclaiming, “Well, Pat, I think you’re absolutely wonderful for sharing this information with us! Logan’s just being a grump, as usual.” Logan rolled his eyes playfully, knowing Roman was joking, and Patton chuckled as Roman began inhaling the pancakes.

Virgil smiled, not because of Roman’s shenanigans but because the prince’s observant eye was no longer trained on him. I have to get myself together, Virgil thought. I can’t just go around touching people and I can’t ask for cuddles or hugs...so I guess I better get used to the cold.

——-

It happened with Logan two and a half weeks after Virgil’s impromptu dance with Roman, and Virgil was freezing.

It wasn’t a secret to anyone, including Logan, that the logical side had a temper. When things weren’t going according to plan (A.K.A. Logan’s Way), he lost it a bit. Logan knew this and he was trying to work on calming himself down and controlling his temperamental tendencies, but he sometimes he slipped up. Like now, for example, as he argues with Virgil in the living room about an outing that Thomas was invited to.

Virgil’s stance on the matter was this: Thomas would be ostracized, people would ask about his job and be disappointed with his answer, no one there would like him or appreciate his presence, and he’d end up alone or leaving early anyways.

Logan’s stance was this: Thomas has been avoiding his friends for too long and it was negatively affecting his mental health, there won't be many people there and Thomas will know most of them, and there it is very likely that Thomas will have a good time and his dopamine levels will increase.

Their volume levels raised rapidly and soon they were yelling, attracting the attention of Roman and Patton who left their rooms to investigate the noise. Virgil’s voice was loud but not as loud as Logan’s, whose face had become red, and Patton as well as Roman found themselves prepared to intervene if necessary.

It was then that Logan reached out and grabbed Virgil’s shoulders and shook the anxious side back and forth, over and over, nearly violent enough to hurt, and screamed, “WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME? DO YOU NOT WANT THE BEST FOR THOMAS, THE BEST FOR ALL OF US? LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN—“

It was only when Logan had stopped shaking him and stopped yelling or speaking at all that Virgil noticed his own chin was bowed, his eyes were closed, and all tension had left his body. But he didn’t move, didn’t speak, barely even breathed because Logan’s hands were still on Virgil’s shoulders and it had been so long since he felt such warmth. The anxious side knew that he should be utterly furious at Logan’s violence towards him but he just couldn’t.

“Virgil?” Virgil distantly heard Logan’s voice and the sheer amount concern in the single word he spoke, but he could not bring himself to respond. All he could think about was Logan’s touch, Logan’s warmth, and the fact that he wasn’t so cold anymore. It was only when Logan removed his hands from Virgil that the anxious side jolted and opened his eyes, the muscles in his back and shoulders tightening and his jaw snapping shut where it had been subconsciously ajar.

He stepped back and blinked once. Twice, before turning away and walking slowly to his room, shutting and locking the door behind him without a word.

—

Virgil remained in his room for the following two weeks, freezing even under two layers of clothes and his comforter; cold even while he sweat under his blankets. He only left (enveloped in two long-sleeved shirts and his sweater) when he became too hungry to ignore, and though the sides did not require food, they feel much better with than without.

He passes the living room as he makes his way to the kitchen and notices Roman, Patton, and Logan sitting on the couch, speaking to each other in moderately low voices, hunched over in a way that prevents them from seeing Virgil.

The anxious side almost made it to the threshold of the kitchen when the floorboards creaked beneath him and the chatter of the others ceased abruptly. Virgil didn’t stop though, and continued to the kitchen, grabbing five granola bars from a cupboard, and beginning to walk back to his room, refusing to acknowledge the weight of the three pairs of eyes resting so heavily over him.

“Virge,” He halted at the sound of Patton’s gentle voice, but did not turn to face the couch. “Please. Look at us. We want to talk to you.” And how could Virgil not turn around when he could so clearly hear the desperation and pleading in the moral side’s voice.

So he turned around but kept his eyes lowered, settling himself in the armchair by the couch without a word, and waited. He waited for them to yell at him for being in his room for so long; for enjoying their touch; for being such a fucking mess; for existing. Because he’s definitely yelled at himself for all of those more than once, and it wouldn’t be surprising if they did too.

“Virgil,” Logan is the first to speak, “We’ve noticed your odd behavior recently—spacing out at times, keeping your head bowed, and locking yourself in your room for a prolonged period of time—and we have a...guess as to why you’ve been acting this way that we’d like to share with you.”

Virgil opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. When he spoke, he was just above a whisper, “Okay. What…what are you thinking?” Keeping his eyes on his socks, he brought his knees to his chest, curling his arms around them, and braced himself for the wave of scorn and hate he was sure he’d receive.

“Virgil, my lovely dark prince, my knight in obsidian armor...are you touch-starved?”

And that just about broke him. Tears burst from his eyes and he set his forehead on his knees. He sobbed as he heard shifting from the couch and felt gentle hands combing through his hair. He sobbed as a fingertips lightly rubbed his back and shoulders. He sobbed even harder when his legs were carefully moved so his feet were resting on the floor and he was gathered into three pairs of arms.

There was no cold to consume him here. Only warmth, relief, and something that tasted a lot like love.

[loadingoliver]

compulsive shopping

something I never thought I would be dealing with. for one, I was never a big spender. since being very little, I hated the thought of people having to spend money on me and I was very good at saving it. yet I've never bought as much as I have the past year and I don't remembered why I bought most of the things or even what they were. which means I've never owned as many unnecessary things before. during that year I also spent all of my savings including some money I’ve had put away for years and rarely touched before because I never had big needs that would require extra money. whenever I reached for those savings this year it felt like an emergency, I planned on putting it back there after my next paycheck, but I never did - some new purchase would always seem more urgent. “I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was living FOR the paycheck”*(The Minimalism documentary). pretty early on I found myself in a financial crisis and had a lot less money to spend, unfortunately it wasn't about how much I would spend, but the way I would spend it.

since I can recall I’ve always hated spending money going out, going to movies, eating with friends, buying food for myself - it seemed like such a waste of money - on something that lasted a moment instead of something material that I could have forever and that would bring me joy and serve purpose. or better yet, multiple purposes, right? too bad I wouldn’t use anything for long. I own some clothes that I wore literally once or twice. most things I would get were horrible quality and poor source which I was aware of. a lot of clothes didn't fit me, therefore didn't serve purpose, but instead would make me feel frustrated with what I looked like. and the joy, momentary excitement, dopamine kick - that was what would initially drive my constant need to buy new things, but it would last less and less time. the rush I would get from checking out “inspirations”, looking up things, reading product reviews, planning purchases, placing orders, waiting for deliveries and then using those items for the first few times- gradually it shrunk to feeling excited until the end of each transaction. I haven't even worn something, I didn't even get it in the mail, I would already look for something else, I was already hung up on something new. I had never-ending lists in my head of stuff I wanted to get next, that I needed next. I had a few private Pinterest boards specifically for that, that's what all my Instagram likes went to. and I would obsess over them. that’s what I would spend all of my free time on. my energy, thoughts, motivation to get up, to work, to survive through bad days. to live, I guess. they were my treats for doing well, my consolation prizes and my what the hell’s. I didn't plan on buying 10 things at once, but just this one and, of course, these two. while still in my head, most things felt essential, unlike previous ones- I was crazy getting that previous item, but this? I clearly need this. if I look better, I’ll feel better.  my shopping habits were gradually becoming more impulsive and compulsive. I was no longer thinking through or questioning what I needed, practicality was not high on my list. I would almost never try on stuff, I would base my decisions on the fact that I liked the way something looked on someone I saw. usually on Pinterest or Instagram- so people of completely different proportions, physical features, lifestyles, preferences and identities - not me. it usually looked good with other articles of clothing that I didn't own, so when shoes arrived in the mail and I wasn’t so sure about them, I would sometimes convince myself that I also needed different trousers, t-shirts, different colours or materials to go with them, that would solve it. when I had less money, I would buy more, but cheaper items. it made so much more sense to buy multiple things for less. and if it’s cheap, why think twice?what's the harm? I actually knew enough about the harms of fast fashion industry, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I couldn’t afford to be environmentally conscious, to make ethical choices, to consider people behind products, to pick more intentionally. I couldn’t afford to buy as many quality items, so I chose quantity over quality. and it’s hard to appreciate quality, when you get bored and dissatisfied with everything so quickly. but each time it felt like that one item was the one that would perfectly fill in the painful space in my life, each product seemed ridiculously important for a short while, it somehow was supposed to be the start of a new life- a toothbrush that, at least in the pictures, matches my bathroom tiles and other beautiful, pure, and organic-looking sink accessories that I was getting next; or a running windbreaker that I can fold into the size of my fist and that might not go with any of my clothes, but I could always have it with me and it would help me save space in my giant everyday backpack full of other essentials. it felt like every little thing would weirdly define me for a second. that when I pick a product, I decide what kind of a person I am. but who I was and what I liked was becoming very blurry.

style and clothing felt like such an easy way or opportunity to redefine or redesign myself. it gave me a sense of identity, it was a symbol of a different better life. and when I was out of ideas for myself and my life, any image that gave me a sense of what I lacked i.e. self-confidence, self-respect, ease, balance or even better social skills or ability to fit in among certain people sounded great. I reached a point where there were too many different voices saying what would make me feel better and I would get very confused. not even with what I needed or wanted, but as to what I liked, what was aesthetically pleasing. which btw, while not the most important in life, comes in pretty fucking handy when you work as a product designer and a craftsman. that lead me to my worse state. I could change my mind about what I wanted to look like, which subconsciously translated into whom I wanted to be, in five minutes while randomly scrolling through a board of pictures on my Pinterest or checking out my Instagram feed. it didn’t come out of nowhere, I was never able to stick to the same clothes, I went through so many stages, I tried out more haircuts within the last five years than most people have in their lifetime. I actually would feel sorry for people who had the same hairstyle their whole life and wore the same type of clothes for years- how boring are you and how unadventurous is your life? I didn’t see the integrity some of those people have, the lack of need to fix what already works, the peace, the contentment, the blissful zero fucks to give about something this empty and unimportant. I thought they lacked sensitivity, awareness and were afraid to experiment or take a risk, while it seemed natural for me to play around, constantly research, look for something. I even convinced myself that I had to be that way to keep an open mind and my creativity levels high. but when it got out of control and started changing so fast I couldn't keep up with it, I realised how much my low-self esteem was being used by the industry convincing me to want new things to fix me and immediately hate the old ones. definitely wasn’t news to me as a phenomenon, but took me a while to realise that it affected me, and how much. as those things tend to, it aligned with various work stuff, break ups, prolonged health problems, family conflicts, other everyday stuff and social media apps, including Instagram and Pinterest, have become my pacifiers, a way to push away all sorts of thoughts, issues, anxiety, to look away, to avoid, to calm down, to entertain myself, to distract me and keep me busy. once I realised just that, they stopped working that well. I suddenly felt like notifications, badges, sponsored posts, fake smiles, free trials, special discount codes, pictures carefully selected for me were attacking me more and more, but none of them no longer made much sense. it all quickly turned into an uninteresting, disturbing, worthless noise and waste of my time that I was able to, surprisingly easily, let go off. sadly, that didn't make my shopping urges and impulses go away. in fact, I still have to fight them pretty much every day and it will take a while. but I really want to work on this. work on this by not letting things be more than things are and define me or change the way I feel about myself. even though I don’t feel great about myself right now. I want to end this post on a positive note because I’m really feeling incomparably better most days now, but the truth is I obviously just started uncovering some stuff and it’s not pretty, so it might take more than giving up retail therapy.

if you can relate, feel more than free to message me, bother me, ask me questions, but beware I might recommend you an endless list of podcasts, essays and videos that helped me and that my friends can’t take any more. if you can’t relate, you lucky fuck, hope you found this interesting. and if you did, the interesting part actually is the shit that happens next, now that I’m taking steps to live a simpler, slower live, without all that excess bullshit, so stay tuned.

[earlgreyandadderall-blog]

What Does ADHD Look Like In Girls? - Things I Wish I Knew Ten Years Ago

Hello world!  

I'm back, as promised, and today I'm going to talk about some stuff I wish I knew ten years ago- ADHD symptoms that are common in girls but often get overlooked. Why, you may ask? Because a teacher or parent normally won't notice that a child is struggling unless it's very apparent – if she is extremely hyperactive and disruptive, for example – or if the child admits that they are struggling. That girl in the corner who's always daydreaming, but still gets good grades? Or the one who has a hard time making friends or making relationships work, but otherwise seems "normal" (whatever that means)? She's going to be passed over while her teacher is busy worrying about the boy who can't stay in his seat for more than five minutes. Plus, girls with ADHD are more likely than boys to internalize their struggles, so if you or your child is anything like me, you might not realize something is off until high school or even later, and even when you do, you might be too embarrassed to ask for help.

If anyone besides my mom ever starts reading this blog, one thing that would make me really really happy and feel as if I've made a difference is if even one young woman out there doesn't have to go through the failed relationships, ruined friendships, and lost semesters that I had to go through before she realizes something deeper is going on than just laziness and being emotional. If you're a girl who often feels like she's getting in her own way and suspects there might be something up, but aren't really sure what it might be, here are some often-overlooked ADHD symptoms that you might relate to.

1.   Daydreaming/Getting Bored in School

As long as I can remember, I've had a hard time paying attention in class. When I was very young, I would get called out for daydreaming all the time. I worked on my French homework in science class, flipped aimlessly through my agenda while the teacher was talking, and doodled all over ever single desk I've ever sat in. In grade five, I got in trouble for – get this – reading a book during a spelling test. Don't ask me how I thought I was gonna get away with that, but I was sooooooo booooooored and the teacher was taking soooooo loooooong to read these words that I knew how to spell in grade one. That's a big reason why inattentiveness in female students often gets overlooked- girls with ADHD don't usually perform poorly, especially in elementary school. Because I was gifted, my inattentiveness was treated as a quirk rather than a problem. I had a handful of teachers who tried to give me harder work to keep me motivated, but more often than not I was left to entertain myself. It always bothered me that kids who needed extra help got IEPs, the latest learning technologies, and one-on-one time with the teacher, but kids like me, who needed an extra challenge, were neglected

 2.     Impulsive Spending

The most important thing to keep in mind when analyzing the behaviour of people with ADHD is that our brains don't produce or transmit enough dopamine, which is the feel-good chemical that controls reward-motivated behaviour. Because of that, we seek out anything that will give us a dopamine rush... the only problem is that those behaviours are usually impulsive. You know the saying money can't buy happiness? Yeah, not necessarily true for ADHD brains. At least for a little while after buying something we've managed to convince ourselves we so totally need, we actually do feel really happy, because we're experiencing a dopamine high. My friend recently got me into doing my makeup properly, and I'm embarrassed to admit how much I've spent at Sephora in the last month.  I know it's dumb, but I do it anyway. Why? Because ADHD brains have a hard time distinguishing what is urgent from what is important. Once I get it in my head that I need that contour kit right now (because what if a surprise event comes up in the next week?), I can't convince myself otherwise. That sense of urgency releases dopamine, which tells my brain that wasting $60 to look more like the MUAs on Instagram will make me happy. And for an hour or two it does!... Until I look at my bank account.  

3.     Relationship Problems

So, dopamine rush-producing behaviours are usually impulsive, right? What does that look like when it comes to romantic relationships? Dopamine-seeking brains love anything that's new and novel, and that includes the first phase of a relationship, when you're sooooo in love and can't get enough of each other. Of course, that phase ends, and neurotypical people settle into a more lowkey relationship just fine. ADHD brains? Not so much. If you don't recognize what you're experiencing as a dopamine withdrawal, you may interpret it is a lack of love from your partner, or as a sign that the relationship is getting boring. I tend to fall into the first category, and people like me can become really insecure thinking that our partner doesn't care about us. We become excessively demanding and need dramatic displays of affection all the time, which naturally alienates our partners. If you're somebody who just gets bored, that can result in two unhealthy behaviours: one, moving really quickly from one relationship to the next and never learning how to be alone, and two, cheating. If any or all of these three behaviours are a pattern in your life, you just might have a dopamine shortage, and are unknowingly looking to your partner(s) to fix it.

4.    Word Vomit

It's really hard for me to explain my tendency to over-explain every little thing (ha, that's ironic), especially if I'm nervous about it. Have you ever taken seven sentences to say something that could have been said in one? Found yourself repeating the same thing in different words three times? I find I do this the most when I'm apologizing, or trying to explain why I did something that someone else didn't like or understand. You think you're being helpful, but really you're just annoying the other person. Then you realize how annoying you're being, and apologize for being annoying five times, and now they're annoyed with you for apologizing for being annoying... okay, that's when you know it's time to turn your phone off and cool down. On top of excessive explaining, ADHD brains can get a little word vomit-y when we're talking about something we're passionate about. Just ask my mom- get me on the Israeli occupation of Palestine, or, at the moment, information about ADHD, and you won't get me off it. Sometimes we don't really know when to shut up. If you have a tendency to keep talking even when you know nobody is listening anymore, then you might want to keep reading.

5.    Road Rage

Everybody road rages once in a while (okay, I'm told that not everyone does, but I don't believe it. Come on, how can you NOT scream at the person in front of you going 5 km under the speed limit?) but I legitimately feel claustrophobic and panicky if I'm on a four-lane highway stuck behind a car in each lane going the same speed and I can't get out to pass them. If the person in front of me is doing something stupid, I could literally run them over I get so frustrated, and not just if I'm already cranky- I yell at someone on the road every single day. I'm told this is “apparently” because of our “inattentiveness” and “inability to sit still”, and not because everyone else on the road is a freaking idiot. I don't know if I believe it, but that's what I'm told, anyway. ADHD brains are also more likely to get into car accidents. I've never been in a major accident while driving, thank God, but I'm only 22, and I've had four minor fender benders that, embarrassingly, didn't involve other cars, but me driving into things in parking lots. Once, I just wasn't looking behind me and backed into a pole. Another time, I thought that texting in the Tim Hortons drive-thru was a good idea. You get the idea.

6.   Forgetfulness

Again, everybody forgets things once in a while. But if you're forgetting or misplacing your homework, your car keys, your purse, your work pants (yes, I have actually lost a pair of pants before) every single day, then there might be a problem. Once, I parked my car near campus, spent the day studying in my friends' office, and then got a ride back to my car at the end of the day. My friend Dan was driving up and down the street I told him I had parked on asking me "is that your car? What about that one?" before I realized that I had parked on a different street on the other side of campus. I never thought being a bit scatterbrained was a problem, and if it only happens once in a while, it probably isn't. But all of these symptoms together paint a different picture.

7.    Difficulties With Motivation

I never really enjoyed studying, and I guess I was lucky that throughout grade school and high school, I didn't have to do very much of it. It's not that I didn't like learning, it's just that studying for extended periods of time is so boring. Even in my first three years of university, my super strict immigrant parents watched me like a hawk, so I did what I needed to do, as difficult as it was at times. That all changed when my fourth year rolled around and I moved to Ottawa for an exchange. With no one to stand at the foot of my bed and scream at me until I dragged myself out of it, I just... didn't. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to. Same went for going to class, doing my readings, handing in assignments, showing up for exams... it wasn't pretty. This can also be a symptom of depression, and many people with ADHD, myself included, meet the diagnostic criteria for depression. The difference is that people with depression can't get out of bed because they're depressed; people with ADHD get depressed because they won't get out of bed.  We aren't lying in bed all day because our mood is low, but because we struggle with executive functioning - motivation, planning, organizing, and self-managing. Those things happen in the prefrontal cortex, and ours are underdeveloped. It can be hard to distinguish where the cycle begins for you, and before being diagnosed, I thought I had depression for sure, but as soon as my psychiatrist explained how ADHD works to me, it fit like a glove.

8.     Starting Projects and Never Finishing Them

This kind of goes hand in hand with lack of motivation, and it's something I've struggled with all my life. It's also one of the very few ADHD symptoms that isn't also a hallmark of something else, like depression or anxiety, so it should be a huge red flag if it's accompanied by some of these other symptoms! Most people tend to procrastinate things they don't want to do, like studying or cleaning their room. A big indicator that you might be dealing with something more than just laziness is when you procrastinate or don't finish even things you actually really want to do. And it's not because you're lazy or don't want to do it, it's because as great as it sounds, you just... can't. If you've ever started a scrapbook and tossed it to the side three days later, tried to start a club on campus but let it fall to the wayside, or created a blog then never actually updated it (I meant to have this posted a solid five days ago, whooooops), then you know what I'm talking about.

 9.       Being Scatterbrained

You're in the middle of a sentence and you completely lose your train of thought. Alternatively, you'll be halfway through a sentence then think of something more important that you want to say and totally abandon the idea you're halfway through and start talking about the new one instead. You interrupt people a lot, because you feel like you HAVE to say the thought that just popped into your head right now, lest it no longer be relevant if you wait five minutes, or even worse, you forget it again in 30 seconds. You're in the middle of an important text conversation but you open Instagram while you're waiting for them to text back... then half an hour later you're creeping your crush's ex's brother's best friend when you realize you never answered that super important text. You zone out while people are speaking directly to you, which makes you look super rude because it seems like you aren't paying attention. Our inability to focus hard on things can affect our lives in ways you never would have guessed- for example, I am terrible at proofreading and finding typos, and the number of assignments I've handed in with words missing from the middle of sentences is embarrassing. If this sounds like you (and if course, if this happens all day every day rather than once in a blue moon, because everybody get scatterbrained when they're overwhelmed), then you've come to the right place.

10.     Being SUPER Enthusiastic... Sometimes

We've already established that ADHD brains can have trouble with motivation and with staying committed to something long-term, but that doesn't capture the entire picture. If you think of depression as basically always being in a low state, ADHD is different in that you sort of swing from highs to lows and back again. Like I mentioned, ADHD brains don't have enough dopamine transmitters, and we kind of get addicted to anything that does produce a dopamine high. So if something does make us happy or excited, we're gonna be the happiest, most excited people on earth. My psychiatrist gave me a situation where an ADHD person might win $5 on a scratch off ticket, but the way they jump up and down all excited makes the people around them think they've won a million dollars. In my case, this often looks like getting really excited about a paper or assignment for a class I'm particularly interested in. I'll take out books from the library and hyper-focus on planning the assignment for about three days... then the whole "starting a project but never finishing it" kicks in, and that's a whole different story...

11.    Verbal Aggression (As Opposed to Physical Aggression)

Although I don't mean to generalize or to imply that every single boy or girl is the same, this tends to be a notable difference between girls with ADHD and their male counterparts. Girls are much less likely to be physically violent, but when you piss us off, or trigger our Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (that's what my next post is going to be about, by the way!)… watch out. You might get a verbal beatdown like you've never experienced before. This is one of the ugliest and most frustrating things about having ADHD for me. I'll tell the people I love that I hate them, that they're ruining my life, that I wish they were never born; I'll pick on the things I know they're sensitive about and call them every curse word in the book... only to regret it five minutes and sheepishly try to convince this deeply wounded person that I didn't actually mean it. It sucks. Big time.

And finally, the one I really wish I knew all this time...

12.    Being Diagnosed With Something Else

Throughout this post, I've given a dozen examples of the ways ADHD symptoms can appear like symptoms of depression and anxiety. ADHD in girls is notoriously misdiagnosed, and girls with ADHD are three times as likely as boys to be treated for depression before being properly diagnosed. Beyond that, ADHD can be comorbid with anxiety and depression. I've dealt with anxiety and panic attacks since I was eight, and was formally diagnosed with anxiety at 17. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was told that I meet all the diagnostic criteria for depression, but it was likely that treating my ADHD would make it go away. My depression went away within literally one week of starting ADHD medication. My anxiety did not go away, but it has been reduced by about 50%. I realized that about half of the somatic experiences I identified as panic attacks were not triggered by mental anxiety but by sensory overload because, as ADHD brains do, I was perceiving way too much of what was going on around me and getting overwhelmed to the point that I would experience panic attack symptoms- dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, you know the drill. Another statistic that would have made a difference in my life is that girls with ADHD are 2.7 times more likely to suffer from anorexia nervosa than girls without ADHD. I struggled with anorexia from age 16 to 19, so this was quite a shock to discover three years later. There's definitely some cool brain science behind that why that is, so maybe it'll be the subject of a future post!

 If you have any questions about this post, or think that you or a loved one might be dealing with ADHD, do not hesitate to reach out to me with any questions! I also want to stress that this might seem like a lot, and that anyone dealing with all of this crap would stand out from a mile away, but if that was the case, so many of us wouldn’t go undiagnosed until post-secondary. I experienced all twelve of these signs and symptoms, but the only ones that pushed me to see a psychiatrist were relationship problems, difficulty with motivation, and verbal aggression. Most of these things didn’t seem like they were impacting my day-to-day functioning- I get good grades, have a job, and have no trouble making friends. So please don’t get fall into the trap of telling yourself that what you’re going through “isn’t bad enough to be a real problem.” If something feels off, see a doctor, because you deserve to live the best life possible. 

That’s all for now folks! Stay tuned for my next post about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

[mondeskinder]

CYGNUS - Namjoon Oneshot

As he looked at her, the universe blossomed; not only stars but constellations, thousands of connections allowing the ridiculous idea of fate. Shades of blue and purple swirling on a velvety nothingness as the white dots shined so vividly, sparkling with untold promises and unknown destinies.

A clangorous voice echoing through the compartment caused her head to snap up in surprise, hectically pushing the thin yet worn book back into her bag and shoving herself past a few other passengers with polite apologies and hasty steps.

A few moments later she left the tram, fearlessly drowning in the mass of people overcrowding the wide space while carefully observing each face she rushed past. Despite time passing, she continued her search with certainty until reaching the other side of the court. Slowly, doubt intoxicated her thoughts.

Did he forget? He’s not usually late..

About to endulge herself in the mob again, she noticed a familiar face in the corner of her eye. He stood on one of the cement blocks delimiting the square, his gaze observingly wandering across the crowd.

“거쟁*!” Waving excitedly, a wide smile spread across her face as she caught his attention. A swift jump off the elevation, he approached her; his hands casually in the pockets of his charcoal coat, dimples carving into his cheeks.

“There you are. I was already worried you’d be late”, he grinned, knowing he’d recieve a playful hit for his imputation.

“I’m never late you know that!”

“Hmm~” Rather than the tender warmth in his voice, she noticed the light strand of hair escaping a ruby beanie.

“You died your hair AGAIN?” Instantly, his fond expression was replaced with a crooked smile while he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

“You don’t like it?”

“I haven’t really seen it yet, have I?”, she sighed blankly.

Reluctantly he pulled off the fabric, revealing the peach blonde mess underneath it and desperately trying to somehow get it in order.

“What color even is this?”, an amused giggle left her mouth.

“Uhm.. Champagne?”

She laughed, allowing him to recover from his embarassment as he quickly put on the beanie again, the odd colour vanishing under scarlet wool.

“Do you want to get coffee?”

“Sure!” Letting out another shy chuckle, she linked arms with him and pulled him in the direction of the nearest coffee shop, unaware of the surprise written all over his face. Too startled to object to her actions, he silently prayed she wouldn’t notice his rapid heartbeat while allowing her to lead the way.

It was only a few minutes later that the both of them entered one of the many Starbucks places in Seoul. This one was unsually empty considering the time of the day. Orange rays of sunshine filtering through the large windows drew growing shadows across the wooden flooring, adding a golden shimmer to the umber leather seats and couches. She didn’t recognize his stare, too focused on reading through the different options to catch his gaze being stuck on her features, observing each and every detail with utter astonishment.

“What do you want?”

Against his wishes, she let go of his arm, excitedly pointing at the menu above the counter, where a smiling barista waited patiently for them to decide.

“Caramel Macchiato! Please?” A spark of excitement in her eyes as they met his, hearts missing beats as a genuine smile unfolded across his expression once again. "Sure.“

She let out a cheerful giggle, leaning onto him for a moment before taking a seat close to the exit. While he was in the process of ordering, she attentively examined his behaviour; the awkward politeness in his bow, his dimples creating little dents in his cheeks due to an insecure chuckle, the way quick glances jumped in her direction now and then to make sure she was still there - like she was an enticing illusion, able to disappear any moment. The butterflies in her stomach intensified as he finished the conversation, walking towards her with quick steps while adjusting his coat and making sure his beanie was in the right place.

He sat down next to her, close enough for their arms to touch lightly and - both surprised about the unexpected contact - widened eyes met for a moment before each of them stared at something different in the room, desperately trying to cover up peach-pink cheeks.

The barista watching the scenario grinned knowingly before announcing the name of the next customer whose drink had been completed.

“Namjoon! Caramel Macchiato and black coffee?”

She jumped slightly when he abruptly pulled her onto her feet and hastily accepted the drinks, handing her - who was still confused - one of them with a wide beam. Before she was even able to form a question, he gently pushed her out of the shop and towards a nearby park.

Calm steps muted by the colorful carpet of leaves covering the asphalt paths leading past ponds and through small sections of forest, they walked beside each other in reverent silence as the sun slowly drowned beneath the horizon - allowing the foliage remaining on the trees to glow in burning reds and yellows.

“Why Namjoon?” Her uneasy voice reluctantly cut through the dead air. He nearly choked on his drink, staring at her in disbelief. “Pardon?”

“Why did the barista call you Namjoon?” Insecurity grew as she repeated her question.

“Oh, well uh.. I sometimes use it as an alias, you know, just for fun.”

“Hm..” Against her gut, she let it be and didn’t ask any further, though she was sure that wasn’t the whole truth.

You’re just overthinking. Learn to trust, Y/N.

To cover up the uncomfortable taciturnity, he started talking about random topics; contemplating about autumn and sunsets. Endless chains of thought pouring out of him like rapids, rousing streams soaked in intelligence and thoughtfulness.

She continued to listen, awestruck by his words, and suddenly the back of his hand brushed hers, sending tingles across her skin and into her stomach. An overwhelming joy growing inside of her, she held onto it before she’d been able to think it through. He faltered for a moment, but quickly caught himself and carried on like nothing had happened. Fingers intertwined, the both of them continued their walk seemingly without any route - she was too jittery to notice him guiding her in a certain direction.

“Shouldn’t we go back? It’s getting dark..” A fond smile appeared on his face, his thumb gently stroking her hand still resting in his. “We’re nearly there though.”

“Huh?”

“You’ll see.” A chuckle escaped his mouth in a tiny cloud as the confused expression spread across her face, pulling her after him without any further explanation.

He took a slight turn, guiding the two of them through an area of artificial forest. It had gotten too dark, no sunshine left to show the way, so instead he used his phone’s flashlight to make sure they won’t trip over stones or roots. Now and then a rustling caused by unknown creatures let her scoop closer until her hand ended up in the pocket of his jacket, still tangled with his.

A few moments later they walked out of the woods and onto a small, empty clearing. He leads her to the center of the meadow before facing her with a broad grin.

“We’re here.“ To his amusement, a slight frown formed on her forehead.

"Here?” Looking around, she saw themselves surrounded by a thick layer of trees on a patch of grass. Disappointment evolved in her chest.

I hoped this would romantic. There’s not even a bench.

“Why did you bring me here?” A mischievous glisten appeared in his eyes as he pointed upwards. She followed his gesture and as her gaze beheld the sky, her jaw dropped. “Woah.”

A velvet darkness embroidered with countless glistening dots, some larger than the other yet all equally beautiful. A collection of blues, lilacs and whites, sometimes crammed together in bright groups or spread out across the area in gloomy omniscience. Mesmerized by the clear night sky, she didn’t notice him leaving for a moment only to come back with a huge blanket and a small basket with snacks. His chuckle ultimately ripped her out of the trance. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many stars before.” The astonishment in her voice allowed a satisfied smirk to appear on his face as he spread out the blanket and set down the food next to it.

“I’m glad you like it.”

“Thank you.”

“Sit down with me.” He invitingly patted the empty space next to him and she decided to comply his request, having a seat next to him, cross-legged. Solemn silence surrounded them. A lack of traffic sounds and street lights made it easy to forget that they were still in Seoul, completely cut off from society. Her neck began to hurt from staring upwards, but she was willing to pay that price in order to submerge deeper in the endless sea of luminosities. It was only after she wanted to check on him that she noticed his gaze fixed on her.

“What are you doing?” Even though the shyness was audible, she silently thanked the darkness for hiding her burning cheeks.

“The same thing you do. Enjoying the view.” Seeing her startled expression, he couldn’t hold back a delighted giggle. She acted like nothing happened, wrapping her jacket closer around her shivering body.

“Are you cold?”

“A little..” She only admitted it because of the sincere concern in his tone. She heard him scooping closer, her heart racing for a moment before realizing he was actually moving behind her and for a moment she regret telling him.

I guess he just wants some food from the basket..

“I don’t like it when you’re freezing.” His deep voice murmuring into her ear, she froze as he wrapped his arms around her. Taken aback by the sudden action, she let him pull her even closer, resting his head on her shoulder.

“Better?”

She was sure her heart would jump out of her ribcage any second, hecitcally beating in a rush of adrenaline and dopamine. Unable to concentrate due to too many thoughts rushing through her head at once, a simple nod was all she was able to come up with. But he was right, the heat radiating off of him helped banishing her coldness.

They remained like this for a few moments, silently enjoying each other’s presence. “Have you ever wished to stop time so a specific moment would never fade?”

“거쟁.. Why would you say that? There are more and better moments to come.”

A sigh escaped his mouth. “Do you see these four bright stars building a square?” He pointed up into the sparkling void.

“Hmm.”

“That’s the Great Square of Pegasus. According to mythology, Pegasus-”

“I don’t want to know about Pegasus. I want to know what’s going on.”

She felt his grip tighten. “Y/N please don’t ask that. Not now.”

Wriggling out of his embrace, she distanced herself to face him directly, the gloom of night absorbing the fear and hurt flickering in his eyes. “Do you really think I don’t realize when you avoid my questions or only answer them half-heartedly? What are you hiding from me?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What’s going on?”

“I.. I’m not the person you think I am”, he confessed, his voice trembling.

“What do you mean?” Her tone was cold and apathetic.

“My name is not 거쟁. I’m not a literature student. I don’t write poems and I don’t mix music as a hobby.”

She stared at him in disbelief.

“My name is Namjoon. I am an idol. I write lyrics and make music to pursue my dream.”

Liar. Everybody always lies. How could I think you were any different.

“Y/N, please..”

Ignoring the desperate tone of his plea, she stood up, receding further and further with determined yet hasty steps. The lump in her throat hurt while she tried to surpress her tears.

“Y/N listen to me. I can explain.” His hand found it’s grip around her wrist. She paused, provoking hope to arise in his despairing heart before she extricated herself.

“There is nothing to explain.” She forced the words to come out, feeling the first burning trace running down her cheek while her pace fastened once again. But it didn’t last long. Only a few steps later, his arms clasped around her trembling body and this time she couldn’t escape his grip.

“Y/N, please. Five minutes. Don’t run away for five minutes and I’ll let you go.” A growl of frustration, then he could feel her muscles releasing their tension as she begrudgingly gave in.

“Fine.”

Only reluctantly he loosened his hold, allowing her to spin around and glare at him with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Don’t fuck this up.

Nervously rubbing the back of his neck, he let out a short sigh before meeting her stinging stare. “I know that lying to you was wrong and I do regret it, sincerely. I never wanted to hurt you like that. I was only trying to avoid a situation like this, I was afraid I would lose you because of it. But my fear made me foolish and I went the wrong way. I’m sorry. I just like you too much.”

Even though her stern expression remained, the stoicism in her eyes softened. “If you liked me that much you would have told me on your own initiative. I trusted you.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was too greedy to risk these moments of happiness. I promise to never do it again. Can you forgive me?”

“No.” Silken moonlight reflected the agony in her watery eyes.

“Someone who betrays my trust once will not hesitate to do it twice and I have been hurt too much to be willing to take that risk. But I truly hope we meet again in another life, since I really liked the idea of being with you. Goodbye." She turned around, disappearing in the woods as hot tears streamed down her face. He didn’t run after her.

It was only when she was about to leave the park that she bumped into someone, quickly apologizing with a deep bow in order to hide her still reddened eyes.

"It was my fault. I apologize.”

Her head snapped upwards when recognizing his familiar voice. Pretending not to see the shock on her face, he calmly stretched out his hand with a faint smile.

“I’m Kim Namjoon, nice to meet you.”

______________________________________

* 거쟁 (Gojaeng) - a fake name based on the korean word 거짓말쟁이 that translates into liar

[harmonyresonant]

Daily reeds.

So this morning. I wondered how best to get anti-depressants. I took a liporush and a DMHA capsule it’s all SWEEEEET. Worlds all vibrant n shit, positively good day outside. What a cracka. Or whatever. But I was thinking on the way back from the local Deli holding milk, cause I unfortunately picked one without a secure lid, lol fuck. I know why now! I googled, “How to meet INTJ girls.” and basically, my suspicions where confirmed. I also googled the relationship between Serotonin levels and Testosterone. Cause there’s a Riboflavin or some bullshit ingrediant in the liporush that seems to fill the void between the dopamine and norepinphrine rush. Weird! But I got some answers. Apparently I’m fucked without Serotonin boosts, cause naturally, I’m inclined to display dominance and aggression behaviours - plus - naturally also have a lower Serotonin level than usually anticipated - which - generally leads me to be more impulsive than usual. So I am a highly sensitive, prone to impulse, aggressive male that wants to fuck everything that walks, that is also intelligent to keep himself in check in a game of cat n mouse between impulsivity, attention, motivation and joy - whilst being hunted the shark of depression. You know truly. It is entirely in line with my personality type - my sensitivity - my sub-type sensitivity - my general behaviour - my struggles - my general lack of company - and my general mismanagement of life - and my inclination to fuck my day up with poor decisions. - well to fuck the next day up - with poor decisions. So - I guess the best thing to do. Is to improve my serotonin levels. Which will stop my impulsivity - limit my social sensitivity to negative stimuli - probably stop my obsessive thinking - and in general - quieten my brain down to a soft humming pristine muted waterfall. Beautiful. You know I should pat myself on the back for somehow making my way through the shitstorm that is literally every aspect of my life and cognition. We made it, me and myself. Now all I need is artificial serotonin - and mate - we’re laughing. LITERALLY. So fucking dumb. You know, I’m kinda sitting here. And thinking of ways to get a doctors appointment - get a prescription - but truth is i wont have any money - likely until next Monday haha fuck. And then beyond that bullshit hurdle - which - really just requires me to ask for 40 instead of 20 $ from Ian - which is derogitory enough - shameful enough - I have to then front to a Doctor and tell him I’m sad and please help. For which he’ll say - yeah talk about your issues/ - to which I’ll respond. - Yeah mate. Love it. You’re the boss.

He’s not the boss though. I’m so fucking done.

Cause after that, I then have to go and live a positive life where good things happen on my way to something better - while the girls that I wanna date go and rightfully have their high standards and do their thing. It’s a fuckin lost game it is. And shit. Idk what to do about that. Do I just be real super good friends with them. Woud i appreciate that? Pfft. Yeah, real super good friends. Not a partner though. Do I want a partner? Ah - yeah. That’d be pretty swell. Farily terrific. So - idk how long I’m gonna ride this little euphoric FTS vibe I have going on. Maybe it’ll last forever. But I’m about 2 or three decisions away from whipping up the argon bag and chocking myself out into oblivion because I honestly - dont think I can win anymore. Like really - deeply - to my core. Am not convinced I can make anything

satisfactory

come from my life. Maybe someone else can convince me. Who knows. I don’t anyone can convince me to be honest. Only person that could convince me is another INTJ. Which islike finding a fucking needle in a haystack. You know, in every computer game that gets tedious far beyond fun. I generally just quit out of it and do something else. And like - that’s basically where it’s at at the moment.

[gta-5-cheats]

Bet money on yourself with Proveit, the 1-vs-1 trivia app

New Post has been published on http://secondcovers.com/bet-money-on-yourself-with-proveit-the-1-vs-1-trivia-app/

Bet money on yourself with Proveit, the 1-vs-1 trivia app

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Pick a category, wager a few dollars and double your money in 60 seconds if you’re smarter and faster than your opponent. Proveit offers a fresh take on trivia and game show apps by letting you win or lose cash on quick 10-question, multiple choice quizzes. Sick of waiting to battle a million people on HQ for a chance at a fraction of the jackpot? Play one-on-one anytime you want or enter into scheduled tournaments with $1,000 or more in prize money, while Proveit takes around 10 percent to 15 percent of the stakes.

“I’d play Jeopardy all the time with my family and wondered ‘why can’t I do this for money?’ ” says co-founder Prem Thomas.

Remarkably, it’s all legal. The Proveit team spent two years getting approved as “skill-based gaming” that exempts it from some laws that have hindered fantasy sports betting apps. And for those at risk of addiction, Proveit offers players and their loved ones a way to cut them off.

The scrappy Florida-based startup has raised $2.3 million so far. With fun games and a snackable format, Proveit lets you enjoy the thrill of betting at a moment’s notice. That could make it a favorite amongst players and investors in a world of mobile games without consequences.

“I could spend $50 for a three-hour experience in a movie theater, or I could spend $2 to enter a Proveit Movies tournament that gives me the opportunity to compete for several thousand dollars in prize money,” says co-founder Nathan Lehoux. “That could pay for a lot of movies tickets!”

Proving it as outsiders

St. Petersburg, Fla. isn’t exactly known as an innovation hub. But outside Tampa Bay, far from the distractions, copycatting and astronomical rent of Silicon Valley, the founders of Proveit built something different. “What if people could play trivia for money just like fantasy sports?” Thomas asked his friend Lehoux.

That’s the same pitch that got me interested when Lehoux tracked me down at TechCrunch’s SXSW party earlier this year. Lehoux is a jolly, outgoing fella who became interested in startups while managing some angel investments for a family office. Thomas had worked in banking and health before starting a yoga-inspired sandals brand. Neither had computer science backgrounds, and they’d raised just a $300,000 seed round from childhood friend Hilt Tatum who’d co-founded beleaguered real money gambling site Absolute Poker.

Yet when he Lehoux thrust the Proveit app into my hand, even on a clogged mobile network at SXSW, it ran smoothly and I immediately felt the adrenaline rush of matching wits for money. They’d initially outsourced development to an NYC firm that burned much of their initial $300,000 seed funding without delivering. Luckily, the Ukrainian they’d hired to help review that shop’s code helped them spin up a whole team there that built an impressive v1 of Proveit.

Meanwhile, the founders worked with a gaming lawyer to secure approvals in 33 states including California, New York, and Texas. “This is a highly regulated and highly controversial space due to all the negative press that fantasy sports drummed up,” says Lehoux. “We talked to 100 banks and processors before finding one who’d work with us.”

Proveit founders (from left): Nathan Lehoux, Prem Thomas

Proveit was finally legal for the three-fourths of the U.S. population, and had a regulatory moat to deter competitors. To raise launch capital, the duo tapped their Florida connections to find John Morgan, a high-profile lawyer and medical marijuana advocate, who footed a $2 million angel round. A team of grad students in Tampa Bay was assembled to concoct the trivia questions, while a third-party AI company assists with weeding out fraud.

Proveit launched early this year, but beyond a SXSW promotion, it has stayed under the radar as it tinkers with tournaments and retention tactics. The app has now reached 80,000 registered users, 6,000 multi-deposit hardcore loyalists and has paid out $750,000 total. But watching HQ trivia climb to more than 1 million players per game has proven a bigger market for Proveit.

Quiz for cash

“We’re actually fans of HQ. We play. We think they’ve revolutionized the game show,” Lehoux tells me. “What we want to do is provide something very different. With HQ, you can’t pick your category. You can’t pick the time you want to play. We want to offer a much more customized experience.”

Shop On SecondCovers

.fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 margin: 5px; padding: 0px; @media screen and (min-width: 1201px) .fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 display: block; @media screen and (min-width: 993px) and (max-width: 1200px) .fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 display: block; @media screen and (min-width: 769px) and (max-width: 992px) .fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 display: block; @media screen and (min-width: 768px) and (max-width: 768px) .fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 display: block; @media screen and (max-width: 767px) .fjedr5b287dfa9f6b4 display: block;

To play Proveit, you download its iOS-only app and fund your account with a buy-in of $20 to $100, earning more bonus cash with bigger packages (no minors allowed). Then you play a practice round to get the hang of it — something HQ sorely lacks. Once you’re ready, you pick from a list of game categories, each with a fixed wager of about $1 to $5 to play (choose your own bet is in the works). You can test your knowledge of superheroes, the ’90s, quotes, current events, rock ‘n roll, Seinfeld, tech and a rotating selection of other topics.

In each Proveit game you get 10 questions, 1 at a time, with up to 15 seconds to answer each. Most games are head-to-head, with options to be matched with a stranger, or a friend via phone contacts. You score more for quick answers, discouraging cheating via Google, and get penalized for errors. At the end, your score is tallied up and compared to your opponent, with the winner keeping both player’s wagers minus Proveit’s cut. In a minute or so, you could lose $3 or win $5.28. Afterwards you can demand a rematch, go double-or-nothing, head back to the category list or cash out if you have more than $20.

The speed element creates intense, white-knuckled urgency. You can get every question right and still lose if your opponent is faster. So instead of second-guessing until locking in your choice just before the buzzer like on HQ, where one error knocks you out, you race to convert your instincts into answers on Proveit. The near instant gratification of a win or humiliation of a defeat nudge you to play again rather than having to wait for tomorrow’s game.

Proveit will have to compete with free apps like Trivia Crack, prize games like student loan repayer Givling and virtual currency-based Fleetwit, and the juggernaut HQ.

“The large tournaments are the big draw,” Lehoux believes. Instead of playing one-on-one, you can register and ante up for a scheduled tournament where you compete in a single round against hundreds of players for a grand prize. Right now, the players with the top 20 percent of scores win at least their entry fee back or more, with a few geniuses collecting the cash of the rest of the losers.

Just like how DraftKings and FanDuel built their user base with big jackpot tournaments, Proveit hopes to do the same… then get people playing little one-on-one games in-between as they wait for their coffee or commute home from work.

Gaming or gambling?

Thankfully, Proveit understands just how addictive it can be. The startup offers a “self-exclusion” option. “If you feel that you need to take greater control of your life as it relates to skill-gaming,” users can email it to say they shouldn’t play any more, and it will freeze or close their account. Family members and others can also request you be frozen if you share a bank account, they’re your dependant, they’re obligated for your debts or you owe unpaid child support.

“We want Proveit to be a fun, intelligent entertainment option for our players. It’s impossible for us to know who might have an issue with real-money gaming,” Lehoux tells me. “Every responsible real-money game provides this type of option for its users.

That isn’t necessarily enough to thwart addiction, because dopamine can turn people into dopes. Just because the outcome is determined by your answers rather than someone else’s touchdown pass doesn’t change that.

Skill-based betting from home could be much more ripe for abuse than having to drag yourself to a casino, while giving people an excuse that they’re not gambling on chance. Zynga’s titles like Farmville have been turning people into micro-transaction zombies for a decade, and you can’t even win money from them. Simultaneously, sharks could study up on a category and let Proveit’s random matching deliver them willing rookies to strip cash from all day. “This is actually one of the few forms of entertainment that rewards players financially for using their brain,” Lehoux defends.

With so much content to consume and consequence-free games to play, there’s an edgy appeal to the danger of Proveit and apps like it. Its moral stance hinges on how much autonomy you think adults should be afforded. From Coca-Cola to Harley-Davidson to Caesar’s Palace, society has allowed businesses to profit off questionably safe products that some enjoy.

For better and worse, Proveit is one of the most exciting mobile games I’ve ever played.

[sheminecrafts]

Bet money on yourself with Proveit, the 1-vs-1 trivia app

Pick a category, wager a few dollars, and double your money in 60 seconds if you’re smarter and faster than your opponent. Proveit offers a fresh take on trivia and game show apps by letting you win or lose cash on quick 10-question, multiple choice quizzes. Sick of waiting to battle a million people on HQ for a chance at a fraction of the jackpot? Play one-on-one anytime you want or enter into scheduled tournaments with $1,000 or more in prize money, while Proveit takes around 10 percent to 15 percent of the stakes.

“I’d play Jeopardy all the time with my family and wondered ‘why can’t I do this for money?'” says co-founder Prem Thomas.

Remarkably, it’s all legal. The Proveit team spent two years getting approved as ‘skill-based gaming’ that exempts it from some laws that have hindered fantasy sports betting apps. And for those at risk of addiction, Proveit offers players and their loved ones a way to cut them off.

The scrappy Florida-based startup has raised $2.3 million so far. With fun games and a snackable format, Proveit lets you enjoy the thrill of betting a moment’s notice. That could make it a favorite amongst players and investors in a world of mobile games without consequences.

“I could spend $50 for a three-hour experience in a movie theater, or I could spend $2 to enter a Proveit Movies tournament that gives me the opportunity to compete for several thousand dollars in prize money” says co-founder Nathan Lehoux. “That could pay for a lot of movies tickets!”

Proving It As Outsiders

St Petersburg, FL isn’t exactly known as an innovation hub. But outside Tampa Bay, far from the distractions, copycatting, and astronomical rent of Silicon Valley, the founders of Proveit built something different. “What if people could play trivia for money just like fantasy sports?” Thomas asked his friend Lehoux.

That’s the same pitch that got me interested when Lehoux tracked me down at TechCrunch’s SXSW party earlier this year. Lehoux is a jolly, outgoing fella who became interested in startups while managing some angel investments for a family office. Thomas had worked in banking and health before starting a yoga-inspired sandals brand. Neither had computer science backgrounds, and they’d raised just a $300,000 seed round from childhood friend Hilt Tatum who’d co-founded beleaguered real money gambling site Absolute Poker.

Yet when he Lehoux thrust the Proveit app into my hand, even on a clogged mobile network at SXSW, it ran smoothly and I immediately felt the adrenaline rush of matching wits for money. They’d initially outsourced development to an NYC firm that burned much of their initial $300,000 seed funding without delivering. Luckily, the Ukranian they’d hired to help review that shop’s code helped them spin up a whole team there that built an impressive v1 of Proveit.

Meanwhile, the founders worked with a gaming lawyer to secure approvals in 33 states. “This is a highly regulated and highly controversial space due to all the negative press that fantasy sports drummed up” says Lehoux. “We talked to 100 banks and processors before finding one who’d work with us.”

Proveit founders (from left): Nathan Lehoux, Prem Thomas

Proveit was finally legal for the 3/4s of the U.S. population, and had a regulatory moat to deter competitors. To raise launch capital, the duo tapped their Florida connections to find John Morgan, a high-profile lawyer and medical marijuana advocate who footed a $2 million angel round. A team of grad students in Tampa Bay was assembled to concoct the trivia questions, while a third-party AI company assists with weeding out fraud.

Proveit launched early this year, but beyond a SXSW promotion, it has stayed under the radar as it tinkers with tournaments and retention tactics. The app has now reached 80,000 registered users, 6,000 multi-deposit hardcore loyalists, and has paid out $750,000 total. But watching HQ trivia climb to over 1 million players per game has proven a bigger market for Proveit.

Quiz For Cash

“We’re actually fans of HQ. We play. We think they’ve revolutionized the game show” Lehoux tells me. “What we want to do is provide something very different. With HQ, you can’t pick your category. You can’t pick the time you want to play. We want to offer a much more customized experience.”

To play Proveit, you download its iOS-only app and fund your account with a buy-in of $20 to $100, earning more bonus cash with bigger packages (no minors allowed). Then you play a practice round to get the hang out of it — something HQ sorely lacks. Once you’re ready, you pick from a list of game categories, each with a fixed wager of about $1 to $5 to play (choose your own bet is in the works). You can test your knowledge of superheroes, the 90s, quotes, current events, rock’n’roll, Seinfeld, tech, and rotating selection of other topics.

In each Proveit game you get 10 questions, 1 at a time, with up to 15 seconds to answer each. Most games are head-to-head, with options to be matched with a stranger, or a friend via phone contacts. You score more for quick answers, discouraging cheating via Google, and get penalized for errors. At the end, your score is tallied up an compared against your opponent, with the winner keeping both player’s wagers minus Proveit’s cut. In a minute or so, you could lose $3 or win $5.28. Afterwards you can demand a rematch, go double-or-nothing, head back to the category list, or cash out if you have more than $20.

The speed element creates intense, white-knuckled urgency. You can get every question right and still lose if your opponent is faster. So instead of second-guessing until locking in your choice just before the buzzer like on HQ where one error knocks you out, you race to convert your instincts into answers on Proveit. The near instant gratification of a win or humiliation of a defeat both nudge you to play again rather than having to wait for tomorrow’s game.

Proveit will have to compete with free apps like Trivia Crack, prize games like studen loan repayer Giveling and virtual currency-based Fleetwit, and the juggernaut HQ.

“The large tournaments are the big draw”, though, Lehoux believes. Instead of playing one-on-one, you can register and ante up for a scheduled tournament where you compete in a single round against hundreds of players for a grand prize. Right now, the players with the top 20 percent of scores win at least their entry fee back or more, with a few geniuses collecting the cash of the rest of the losers.

Just like how DraftKings and FanDuel built their user base with big jackpot tournaments, Proveit hopes to do the same…then get people playing little one-on-one games in between as they wait for their coffee or commute home from work.

Gaming Or Gambling?

Thankfully, Proveit understands just how addictive it can be. The startup offers an “self-exclusion” option. “If you feel that you need to take greater control of your life as it relates to skill-gaming”, users can email it to say they shouldn’t play any more, and it will freeze or close their account. Family members and others can also request you be frozen if you share a bank account, they’re your dependent, they’re obligated for your debts, or you owe unpaid child support.

“We want Proveit to be a fun, intelligent entertainment option for our players. It’s impossible for us to know who might have an issue with real-money gaming” Lehoux tells me. “Every responsible real-money game provides this type of option for its users.

That isn’t necessarily enough to thwart addiction, because dopamine can turn people into dopes. Just because the outcome is determined by your answers rather than someone else’s touchdown pass doesn’t change that.

Skill-based betting from home could be much more ripe for abuse than having to drag yourself to a casino, while giving people an excuse that they’re not gambling on chance. Zynga’s titles like Farmville have been turning people into micro-transaction zombies for a decade, and you can’t even win money from them. Simultaneously, sharks could study up on a category and let Proveit’s random matching deliver them willing rookies to strip cash from all day. “This is actually one of the few forms of entertainment that rewards players financially for using their brain” Lehoux defends.

With so much content to consume and consequence-free games to play, there’s an edgy appeal to the danger of Proveit and apps like it. Its moral stance hinges on how much autonomy you think adults should be afforded. From Coca-Cola to Harley Davidson to Caesar’s Palace, society has allowed businesses to profit off questionably safe products that some enjoy.

For better and worse, Proveit is one of the most exciting mobile games I’ve ever played.

from iraidajzsmmwtv https://ift.tt/2tjFhfo via IFTTT

[theinvinciblenoob]

Pick a category, wager a few dollars and double your money in 60 seconds if you’re smarter and faster than your opponent. Proveit offers a fresh take on trivia and game show apps by letting you win or lose cash on quick 10-question, multiple choice quizzes. Sick of waiting to battle a million people on HQ for a chance at a fraction of the jackpot? Play one-on-one anytime you want or enter into scheduled tournaments with $1,000 or more in prize money, while Proveit takes around 10 percent to 15 percent of the stakes.

“I’d play Jeopardy all the time with my family and wondered ‘why can’t I do this for money?’ ” says co-founder Prem Thomas.

Remarkably, it’s all legal. The Proveit team spent two years getting approved as “skill-based gaming” that exempts it from some laws that have hindered fantasy sports betting apps. And for those at risk of addiction, Proveit offers players and their loved ones a way to cut them off.

The scrappy Florida-based startup has raised $2.3 million so far. With fun games and a snackable format, Proveit lets you enjoy the thrill of betting at a moment’s notice. That could make it a favorite amongst players and investors in a world of mobile games without consequences.

“I could spend $50 for a three-hour experience in a movie theater, or I could spend $2 to enter a Proveit Movies tournament that gives me the opportunity to compete for several thousand dollars in prize money,” says co-founder Nathan Lehoux. “That could pay for a lot of movies tickets!”

Proving it as outsiders

St. Petersburg, Fla. isn’t exactly known as an innovation hub. But outside Tampa Bay, far from the distractions, copycatting and astronomical rent of Silicon Valley, the founders of Proveit built something different. “What if people could play trivia for money just like fantasy sports?” Thomas asked his friend Lehoux.

That’s the same pitch that got me interested when Lehoux tracked me down at TechCrunch’s SXSW party earlier this year. Lehoux is a jolly, outgoing fella who became interested in startups while managing some angel investments for a family office. Thomas had worked in banking and health before starting a yoga-inspired sandals brand. Neither had computer science backgrounds, and they’d raised just a $300,000 seed round from childhood friend Hilt Tatum who’d co-founded beleaguered real money gambling site Absolute Poker.

Yet when he Lehoux thrust the Proveit app into my hand, even on a clogged mobile network at SXSW, it ran smoothly and I immediately felt the adrenaline rush of matching wits for money. They’d initially outsourced development to an NYC firm that burned much of their initial $300,000 seed funding without delivering. Luckily, the Ukrainian they’d hired to help review that shop’s code helped them spin up a whole team there that built an impressive v1 of Proveit.

Meanwhile, the founders worked with a gaming lawyer to secure approvals in 33 states including California, New York, and Texas. “This is a highly regulated and highly controversial space due to all the negative press that fantasy sports drummed up,” says Lehoux. “We talked to 100 banks and processors before finding one who’d work with us.”

Proveit founders (from left): Nathan Lehoux, Prem Thomas

Proveit was finally legal for the three-fourths of the U.S. population, and had a regulatory moat to deter competitors. To raise launch capital, the duo tapped their Florida connections to find John Morgan, a high-profile lawyer and medical marijuana advocate, who footed a $2 million angel round. A team of grad students in Tampa Bay was assembled to concoct the trivia questions, while a third-party AI company assists with weeding out fraud.

Proveit launched early this year, but beyond a SXSW promotion, it has stayed under the radar as it tinkers with tournaments and retention tactics. The app has now reached 80,000 registered users, 6,000 multi-deposit hardcore loyalists and has paid out $750,000 total. But watching HQ trivia climb to more than 1 million players per game has proven a bigger market for Proveit.

Quiz for cash

“We’re actually fans of HQ. We play. We think they’ve revolutionized the game show,” Lehoux tells me. “What we want to do is provide something very different. With HQ, you can’t pick your category. You can’t pick the time you want to play. We want to offer a much more customized experience.”

To play Proveit, you download its iOS-only app and fund your account with a buy-in of $20 to $100, earning more bonus cash with bigger packages (no minors allowed). Then you play a practice round to get the hang of it — something HQ sorely lacks. Once you’re ready, you pick from a list of game categories, each with a fixed wager of about $1 to $5 to play (choose your own bet is in the works). You can test your knowledge of superheroes, the ’90s, quotes, current events, rock ‘n roll, Seinfeld, tech and a rotating selection of other topics.

In each Proveit game you get 10 questions, 1 at a time, with up to 15 seconds to answer each. Most games are head-to-head, with options to be matched with a stranger, or a friend via phone contacts. You score more for quick answers, discouraging cheating via Google, and get penalized for errors. At the end, your score is tallied up and compared to your opponent, with the winner keeping both player’s wagers minus Proveit’s cut. In a minute or so, you could lose $3 or win $5.28. Afterwards you can demand a rematch, go double-or-nothing, head back to the category list or cash out if you have more than $20.

The speed element creates intense, white-knuckled urgency. You can get every question right and still lose if your opponent is faster. So instead of second-guessing until locking in your choice just before the buzzer like on HQ, where one error knocks you out, you race to convert your instincts into answers on Proveit. The near instant gratification of a win or humiliation of a defeat nudge you to play again rather than having to wait for tomorrow’s game.

Proveit will have to compete with free apps like Trivia Crack, prize games like student loan repayer Givling and virtual currency-based Fleetwit, and the juggernaut HQ.

“The large tournaments are the big draw,” Lehoux believes. Instead of playing one-on-one, you can register and ante up for a scheduled tournament where you compete in a single round against hundreds of players for a grand prize. Right now, the players with the top 20 percent of scores win at least their entry fee back or more, with a few geniuses collecting the cash of the rest of the losers.

Just like how DraftKings and FanDuel built their user base with big jackpot tournaments, Proveit hopes to do the same… then get people playing little one-on-one games in-between as they wait for their coffee or commute home from work.

Gaming or gambling?

Thankfully, Proveit understands just how addictive it can be. The startup offers a “self-exclusion” option. “If you feel that you need to take greater control of your life as it relates to skill-gaming,” users can email it to say they shouldn’t play any more, and it will freeze or close their account. Family members and others can also request you be frozen if you share a bank account, they’re your dependant, they’re obligated for your debts or you owe unpaid child support.

“We want Proveit to be a fun, intelligent entertainment option for our players. It’s impossible for us to know who might have an issue with real-money gaming,” Lehoux tells me. “Every responsible real-money game provides this type of option for its users.

That isn’t necessarily enough to thwart addiction, because dopamine can turn people into dopes. Just because the outcome is determined by your answers rather than someone else’s touchdown pass doesn’t change that.

Skill-based betting from home could be much more ripe for abuse than having to drag yourself to a casino, while giving people an excuse that they’re not gambling on chance. Zynga’s titles like Farmville have been turning people into micro-transaction zombies for a decade, and you can’t even win money from them. Simultaneously, sharks could study up on a category and let Proveit’s random matching deliver them willing rookies to strip cash from all day. “This is actually one of the few forms of entertainment that rewards players financially for using their brain,” Lehoux defends.

With so much content to consume and consequence-free games to play, there’s an edgy appeal to the danger of Proveit and apps like it. Its moral stance hinges on how much autonomy you think adults should be afforded. From Coca-Cola to Harley-Davidson to Caesar’s Palace, society has allowed businesses to profit off questionably safe products that some enjoy.

For better and worse, Proveit is one of the most exciting mobile games I’ve ever played.

via TechCrunch

[alnhealthandwellness]

The Effects of Stress and What You Can Do About It! Let’s face it we live in an incredibly stressed out world! And it’s killing us. In life we are going to deal with stress and not all stress is bad stress. Good stress can be a new job, moving, new baby or pet, family you love coming to visit, ect. And I’m pretty sure we all know what bad stress is. Dr. Mercola, MD a member of the Political advocacy group Association of American Physicians and Surgeons states that a stressor becomes a problem when:
• Your response to it is negative
• Your feelings and emotions are inappropriate for the circumstances
• Your response lasts an excessively long time
• You’re feeling continuously overwhelmed, overpowered, or overworked Here are some Factors That Make Stress Worse
According to neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky, in the documentary Stress: Portrait of a Killer, you are more vulnerable to stress if the following factors are true:
• You feel like you have no control
• You’re not getting any predictive information (how bad the challenge is going to be, how long it will go on, etc.) 
• You feel you have no way out
• You interpret things as getting worse
• You have no “shoulder to cry on” (e.g., lack of social affiliation or support) Emotional or traumatic chronic stress has far reaching damaging effects on our bodies. Dr. Veronique Desaulniers, from The Breast Cancer Conqueror, states, “There are many situations that can cause the “bottom to fall out” of our lives. They can cause chronic stress, emotional trauma, and even leave us with medically-diagnosable psychological disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).” According to the latest research on stress, the emotions, and cancer… this emotional trauma can actually feed cancer. Problems seem to arise when “emotional trauma goes unhealed and the body system is in a constant state of heightened stress”, says, Dr. Desaulniers. A recent study reported that the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) can actually nurture metastasis when it is chronically activated. Under chronic stress, the SNS is “turned on” essentially all the time. In this heightened state, adrenaline and noradrenaline-stimulating mechanisms within it will actually rework genetic code which can lead to a number of pro-cancer processes. Prolonged stress can also damage your brain cells and make you lose the capacity to remember things. Researchers have found that the brain cells of stressed rats are dramatically smaller, especially in the area of their hippocampus, which is the area of the brain that controls learning and memory. So depending on your stress level, your inability to remember where you laid your keys may not be due to age, it may be due to your stress level! There is hope! Wow! All of this is may be scary or at the very least a little sobering, as it should be! But on the brighter side, there is HOPE! Positive emotions like happiness, faith, and optimism can actually generate changes in your body’s cells, even sparking the release of feel-good brain chemicals. Did you know a 10-second hug a day can lead to biochemical and physiological reactions in your body that can significantly improve your health? It’s true! According to one study, this includes: Lowering the risk of heart disease, Reducing stress, Fighting fatigue, Boosting your immune system, Fighting infections and Easing depression. Our reaction to stress can also effect various functions of our bodies. For example, when we are stressed our breathing changes. Instead of taking full and complete breaths, we begin to shallow breathe which in turn, becomes faster and triggers the stress hormone cortisol and activates the sympathetic nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. The synopsis in your nerves start firing off faster to get ready for that fight or flight you are about to take. Have you ever noticed that when you are arguing your breathing gets faster and it stops in your chest? This actually tends to happen in most stressful situations. So go with me on this. Take 10-15 rounds of breath, shallow breathing (kind of like when you hyperventilate). Notice how that feels. What did you feel? Now, sit up straight with both feet on the floor, place your hands on your lap and take 10 rounds of breath breathing in all the way down to your belly to the count of 4 or 5 and make your exhale 1 or 2 counts longer than your inhale. So if your exhale was to the count of 4 your exhale should be to the count of 5 or 6. And if your exhale was to the count of 5 your exhale should be to the count of 6 or 7. Notice a difference? What do you feel? This is a calming breath. Reducing your reaction to stress can be as little as taking a minute to deep breath. If you practice this for as little as 5-10mins a day it will become a habit. Once it’s a habit, it will come to you naturally during that stressful situation. Let’s face it, even if we had all the money in the world, no problems and lived on a deserted island with just the people we really liked; there would still be stress! Stress-induced weight gain is real and typically involves an increase in visceral fat; that is the fat that is around the organs and accumulates as belly fat, which is the most dangerous fat for your body to store, because it increases your cardiovascular risk. Ok so what can we do about that? You guessed it! Exercise! So, let’s talk about exercise and the incredibly positive effects it has on our bodies which include reducing stress. Doing as little as 30 minutes of cardio, three to five days a week you can actually add six years to your life, according to research at the Cooper Clinic in Dallas. But that’s not all. Here are some more facts about exercising. According to Michele Olson, PhD, professor of exercise physiology at Auburn University at Montgomery in Alabama, “your heart rate increases, and blood is delivered to your muscles. You start burning calories for fuel. And you get an almost immediate mood boost.” You start to feel amazing! Mood-enhancing chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine, rush into your brain for a couple of hours after exercise and for up to a day if you’ve participated in an endurance event, like a marathon. And you actually burn calories even when you are at rest. “For every 100 calories you burn during your workout, you can expect to burn 15 calories after, If you went on a three-mile run, you would reduce about 300 calories, which could mean an extra 45 calories later”, according to Cedric Bryant, PhD, chief science officer for the American Council on Exercise. Regular stress management is essential for everyone. There are literally dozens of modalities that can help heal the wounds of emotional trauma and reduce chronic stress that can lead to various diseases. For some, this might consist of staying away from negative or overly stressed out people, meditation, prayer, counseling, support groups, or lately at the very least turning off the nightly news, or Facebook if it is too distressing, to avoid feeling empathic stress, or you could exercise. The key to using exercise to help reduce your stress is to find something you love to do. It could be yoga, running, boxing, Zumba, just about anything that gets you moving. Make an appointment with yourself to take care of yourself and keep that appointment like your life depends on it because well it does! Ultimately, however, whatever you do for stress relief is an incredibly personal choice, as your stress-management practices must be interesting to you but, more importantly, actually work for you. You are worthy. You are capable and you are deserving. So reduce your stress and take care of your body, you only get one! I close out every yoga practice I teach with, Be thankful for all the things you are able to do and Be thankful for the body that you have for it’s like no others! Your body is your most priceless possession, so take good care of it!