#I know my worth isn’t defined by what and how often I post

[asimplearchivist]

*remembers that I have WIPs that I inadvertently failed to update over break*

*realizes I start back to uni for the spring semester in two days*

*resists the instinctual urge to hate myself for lack of creativity and motivation on the writing front*

[steveharrington]

can you elaborate on how fanon nancy is different from canon nancy?

yes <3 when i made that post i was mostly referring to how often i see people seeming to write nancy as like the voice of reason within the group or even the one who provides comfort and stability to others and i just personally don’t think that fits her at all. i think that dilutes what makes nancy so interesting, honestly!! 1. she is not very reasonable and 2. she has trouble expressing herself in a way that other people understand.

1. nancy’s defining character trait imo is her passion. in seasons 1 and 2 she literally v physically cannot accept just allowing barb’s death to be uninvestigated and subsequently covered up, even when steve tries to reason that going along with the cover up is the safest option that ensures no one gets hurt. nancy still can’t allow that to happen and moves forward with her plan to bring barb’s death to light despite it being dangerous and potentially hopeless because she’s acting on her instincts and her love for barb, not on the safest option. in season 3, again, jonathan tries to reason with her and persuade her not to investigate the rats any further for fear of losing their jobs, but in nancy’s mind it’s worth the risk. now im not saying nancy is dumb, because shes canonically extremely smart and even when she does take risks, they’re calculated and planned. but it kinda grinds my gears when people depict her as this levelheaded by-the-books kind of person when she has demonstrated multiple times that she will simply do whatever the fuck she wants, if she feels it’s justified

2. this one moreso, i feel like nancy has fallen victim to that trend of having characters talk like they’re 10 years into therapy. i see this a lot in ship-related content for her, whether it’s jancy or ronance or stoncy, etc. people will often have her make these declarations of love very outright and talk through whatever issues she’s having with someone, which is so….. she doesn’t do that 😭 she historically struggles to bridge the gap between someone else’s position and her own, and it clearly frustrates her. case in point, she isn’t honest with steve until she’s drunk! then afterwards she still struggles to communicate, to the point that in the alleyway scene steve just fully walks away after she fails to respond at all to his questions. with jonathan she’s the same way—their big car argument is clearly frustrating to her and ends with her simply saying “you don’t know what it’s like” after jonathan gives a multi-point argument explaining his point of view. even at the very end of s4, the most recent scene we have of her, there’s so much that isn’t being said between her and jonathan. they’re not being forthcoming with each other. even with robin, she can’t express why robin’s presence is clearly bothering her in s4, even after robin openly gives her the chance to be honest and says “please tell me if im coming off badly”. there’s an enduring lack of communication in nancy’s relationships, and that makes total sense because she doesn’t have a good example of a healthy relationship in her own home. her parents just leave the dinner table when they’re upset with each other. so it blows my mind seeing depictions of her where she’s like “guys our feelings are all valid <3” like she would nottttt say that omg. she may Think it, and Want to express it, but i think it’s a disservice to what makes nancy interesting to just skip 5 years in her emotional development and suddenly have her acting as this mother-figure of the group who addresses everyone’s feelings concisely and plays it safe.

i think it’s a liiiittle bit stemming from misogyny. the “mom friend” trope is kinda pushed on her automatically, even amidst mom steve jokes, because she’s a girl in the group so she MUST attend to everyone’s feelings and make sure all the kids have snacks or whatever. it just does not reflect the more interesting and unique character we see on screen

[coffee-at-annies]

Well this post crossed my dash again and my brain was like what if I went on another unhinged rant/infodump about how baseball and hockey are different? And well gestures here we are.

Today on these two sports are different, we are going to talk about game flow and we are going to talk about offense and defense. The original post was for hockey fans unfamiliar with baseball. I’m gonna try to make this coherent for people who aren’t familiar with either but who knows it’s the xkcd average familiarity comic.

So in hockey you’ve got a standard sized rectangular rink separated into two zones with a goal on each end. The zone with your team’s goalie is your team’s defensive zone and the zone with the opposing goalie is the offensive zone. This means that at any point in time depending on where the puck is your team may be on offense or defense and game flow transitions between those two states. Teams can often get stuck in their own [defensive] zone or things like power plays can lead to a lot of [offensive] zone time. Keeping up with the play requires fans to be aware of what zone the puck is in. There’s the neutral zone which is just the middle of the rink and isn’t important at this time except for like extra rules and the blue lines re: zone entries and offsides. Not important here.

So for hockey you’ve got a continuous game flow of offense to defense to offense etc. It’s not always back and forth that explicitly but at any point the puck can take a bounce out of a zone and shift the flow of the game.

Baseball isn’t like that. Baseball is played on a diamond shaped field divided into infield and outfield. The infield is a dirt portion of the field consisting of 4 bases that make a square with 90ft on each side and a pitcher’s mound in the middle. The outfield is covered by grass and is considered everything between the two foul poles extending from the infield square up to the outfield fences. (Fun fact there’s no standardization about outfield sizes just minimum distances that aren’t even enforced that much).

You may be asking yourself is the infield the offensive zone and the outfield the defensive zone and the answer to that is yes both and neither. To explain that, I have to explain how baseball game flow works. Unlike hockey, where the game is broken up into three twenty minute periods and the game ends if there isn’t a tie at the final buzzer, baseball is divided into nine innings. The innings are then further broken up into half-innings called the top and bottom of the inning. The top of the inning (first half) will see the visiting team batting (offense) and the home team pitching/defending (defense). The bottom of an inning will see the reverse. A half inning ends when the team on offense gets three outs, thus each inning requires six outs. Idk how to define an out. There’s dozens of ways to get out and I would end up in the weeds trying to explain.

Also worth noting, unlike most major league sports, baseball doesn’t have a game clock. A half-inning takes however long it takes to get three outs. That can be two minutes and three batters or it can be twenty minutes and ten batters. It depends on who gets on base and how. MLB instituted a pitch clock to cut down on pitchers taking their damn time between pitches to force the average length of innings down.

Going back to game flow, there is a back and forth, but it’s dictated by the inning and the outs, not who has the baseball (the defensive team always has the baseball). So when a team is on offense they are batting. There’s no transition and putting pucks on the net. It’s all just batting. Players stand at home plate and try to hit the ball into play and then make it around the bases. In play is defined as between the two foul lines thus everywhere in play is the offensive zone for the batting team and the defensive zone for the defending team. Offensive players have to touch the bases to be considered safe on a play and the ball can go out of play in a couple scenarios (ground rule double, home run) and still be considered a fair ball, but that’s some basics.

I’m doing a bad job of explaining putting the ball into play because honestly most at-bats end up with an out. That’s the defense of it all. It starts with the pitcher, trying to throw the ball such that the offensive player (the batter) can’t hit it. I could get into the anatomy of an at-bat with balls and strikes and what the defense does if the ball is put into play, but I don’t know if that would be interesting when you can watch a baseball or softball game.

So I’ve talked about game flow and a little bit about offense and defense. What that looks like for baseball and I’ve kinda glossed over it for hockey but if you’ve got any passing familiarity with hockey or soccer/football then it’s probably familiar. The ways it’s different are the edge cases and I’m not explaining offsides or icing the same way I’m not explaining fouls vs hits. It’s not worth it.

Time to talk about offense and defense and what that means for players. In hockey, positions are split up into three categories, forwards, defense, and goalies. You can have 6 players on the ice at any time, generally in the configuration of one goalie, two defensemen (a d-pairing) and three forwards (a line). You can only have one goalie on the ice at any time but any combination of forwards and defense. At any point anyone on the bench can sub in for anyone on the ice (called a line change) so long as you don’t go over that six player maximum otherwise it’s a penalty (too many men on the ice). Baseball rosters are split into pitchers and hitters. Pitchers are split into the starting rotation and the bullpen. Hitters are usually divided by position but mostly it’s just what nine players are in the batting order for this game and whoever is currently pitching. In hockey, anyone who is on the bench can go into the game and everyone else is out of luck. This is good in that anyone can sub in at any time, but bad if someone gets injured during a game as the team will be forced to just play on with one less person. There’s exceptions for goalies and the ebug and we’re not going there. For baseball there’s nine positions on the field and nine spots in the batting order and that’s it. Technically since we don’t force pitchers to bat anymore there’s nine or ten active players at any time — pitcher, catcher, four infielders, three outfielders, and the designated hitter (who can be the pitcher but isn’t usually - Ohtani georg is an outlier). You can sub in someone from the bench/dugout at any time but they have to play the rest of the game. This is nice in case of injuries or if you gave your best hitter a day off and now need him to come in and hit a game winning home run.

The most common substitution in a baseball game however is the pitcher. Throwing balls well is hard. It can fuck up your elbow like nothing else. Baseball has a surgery named after a player because this specific elbow injury and resulting surgery is so common. As such, pitching is a committee job. A starting pitcher will usually pitch between four to six innings (throwing sixty to one hundred pitches) and then the bullpen will take over one inning (three to four outs, usually about nine to thirty pitches) at a time. A team’s closer is their bullpen pitcher who is the best at getting outs and usually pitches the ninth inning. Hitters all have a defensive position on the field except the designated hitter (DH) whose job it is to bat for the pitcher. I think I’m getting into the weeds of specifics again.

So going back to the original post that was complaining about picking up hockey players and dropping them into baseball. Pitching is a defensive-only position that is frequently done by committee. Hockey forwards are generally on the ice to make plays and score goals. They do backcheck and play defense as a matter of game flow but they are primarily on ice to score. Thus it does not make sense to cast prolific goal scorers like Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, or Connor McDavid as a pitcher when pitchers do not even play offense. It’s worth talking about what type of defense they play on the ice and how that would shake out to a defensive position on the field (or as the DH because they don’t have to play defense — that’s where I’m putting Ovi) but it requires an understanding of how an inning functions regarding defense and different play styles at the different bases. Your best forward is going to put the team on their back and score. Your best pitcher is going to put the team on their back and defend. Pitchers can get shutouts the way goalies do. It is a purely defensive position.

So yeah, you can compare shooting styles to blaseball pitches but it makes way more sense to compare shots to hitting styles than it does pitches.

Ummm @guentzel tagging you since your post was first. Feel free to ignore.

[cdroloisms]

fuck it. c!punz + c!dream manifesto bc what else am i going to do at university. study ? nahhh 

the first thing i want to be clear about is that i like c!drunz. they’re a very important duo (they were explicitly paralleled with c!CLINGYDUO for god’s sake) and the point of this isn’t to diminish their importance to each other. i ALSO want to say that the point of this isn’t to be like, super aggressively /neg towards any one character (even tho i am, admittedly, a self-proclaimed c!drolo) or to demonize them. and finally, that this is just the way i see them, not necessarily the views of anyone else (though i’ve very much been inspired by talking to certain friends abt the Blorbos (tm) for obvious reasons.)

all of that out of the way, onto the c!dream and c!punzisms . i have no plan for this post it’s probably gonna be messy as fuck . but i think first and foremost it’s important to acknowledge that c!dream and c!punz, each are characters with their own goals. a lot of the finale is about c!dream’s side of this, especially in terms of how much he lost sight of what he actually wanted (and i still have to do a rewatch of the 3rd finale stream just to parse through ALL THE SHIT HE SAID bc jfc man . what.) and how a lot of what he wanted were a lot simpler than he allowed himself to realize. 

but on the flip side of this, obviously, is c!punz. who also has his own motivations, and as is shown in the finale ... these motivations exist in a space that is . in a lot of ways. directly incompatible with what c!dream actually wants. c!punz is representative of The Plan. he calls the desires that c!dream and c!tommy share “simple-minded.” he wants to unlock the secrets of the universe just because he can. 

(and it’s worth recognizing that c!dream’s initial reaction to the existence of supernatural powers beyond his understanding on the server was to freak the fuck out, to the point of the prison’s construction being EXPLICITLY as a result of said discovery. Does c!dream want to understand things in order to Fix Them? Certainly. but i would hardly characterize his initial response to the supenatural as being, uh, impassioned curiosity of the unknown, so to speak.) 

c!punz has motivations that aren’t c!dream’s motivations. that’s ,, kind of the point of a lot of what was going on in that last finale stream! c!punz wants to Know Shit. he wants to elevate himself above simple-minded desires. he really,,, wasn’t convinced or swayed the same way dream was when tommy tried to get him to have a heart to heart, and actively discouraged him from continuing to talk about what he actually wanted. and again this isn’t to say that c!punz didn’t care or that he was trying to hurt c!dream or otherwise was trying to act in a way that was malicious towards him but all that still happened you know and speaks to a fundamental difference in the driving forces between these two characters. c!dream and c!punz are each characters with DESIRES and MOTIVES and they’re,, not always on the same page w/ regards to what said desires and motives actually are. 

and, yk, it’s not to say that two characters with different motivations can’t work together or have a relationship that’s rendered completely impossible by their differing desires. but a lot of what defines c!dream and c!punz has a lot to do with c!punz As The Plan, which is significant when you consider how much of The Plan is about both outward and self-destruction for c!dream. this in itself doesn’t completely throw their relationship over a cliff, even if it’s a huge disparity that has a lot of implications when we consider how unaddressed it was by the characters until the last stream of the finale, where c!dream and c!punz are markedly NOT on the same page about what they want. but that kind of brings me to my other point of what’s...really important to c!drunz, at least to me. which is how it’s so often defined by inaction. 

because, yeah, c!punz was always on c!dream’s side (except for that period of time in Pogtopia where he wasn’t, lol.) and yeah, c!punz was the one person he trusted with a lot of the details about his plan to Save The World and whatever. but also the separation between the two was so important that it was quite literally the cornerstone that ended up ensuring their joint survival; it was crucial post-staged finale that no one knew they were working together. c!punz started on c!dream’s side because he was a mercenary for hire. a degree of alienation has always been a part of their dynamic down to the finale, and is also an extremely IMPORTANT part of their dynamic if we consider c!dream’s silence to c!punz calling them friends. 

i find the post-prison era to be most damning about this point in particular, but just look at staged finale in itself: one one hand, c!punz and c!dream were in on a plan to fool the entire server, which spoke a lot to the level of trust involved there. on the other hand, c!punz took a very active and physical role in literally locking c!dream up in his personal hell. c!ranboo took a more significant role after he was locked up than c!punz (which, like, again makes SENSE re. security. but. like. that absence still speaks volumes)--like c!punz as an enabler, c!punz as someone physically cut off from c!dream...that’s a pattern. 

and again, when we look at the state of them after the prison, the absence is even more damning. c!punz specifically (even when considering c!dream’s obvious role in the planning) gets c!dream killed twice in staged finale and then you know, has him metaphorically killed when he’s put in the prison. and then AFTER the prison, we have three specific cases at the very least: c!punz’s signal in the scrapped lore is what ends with c!dream being trapped by both of his torturers, c!punz’s involvement in the Las Nevadas revenge plan nearly gets c!dream killed either by the slime army or if he was in c!purpled’s position at the top of that tower, and his running away from Las Nevadas is explicitly what allowed c!tommy to stalk him for weeks and end up breaking in and killing him. Not to mention how that ends up leading up to both of them getting trapped in the prison with a nuke about to come down over the server. 

and obviously c!dream almost dying/literally dying in all of these post-prison scenarios isn’t Part Of The Plan or something that c!punz actually wants, right, but also...where was he? what did he do to prevent this from happening? c!dream was stalked for literal MONTHS after las nevadas and we see no mention of c!punz being around,,, at all? (we KNOW he wasn’t visibly around in any way considering c!tommy thought that c!punz was still on his side, even.) c!dream didn’t LEAVE the prison for weeks after LN and c!punz wasn’t around? this is with c!punz obviously knowing that c!dream was going to confront his TORTURER. and he wasn’t watching from the sidelines? like, forget c!tommy, c!sapnap found about c!dream’s place of residence IN JANUARY and was apparently still harassing him outside IN JUNE. people broke into that prison to threaten dream multiple times !! like ? 

and god it’s not to say that c!punz didn’t care--his anger speaks for itself--but it’s important to acknowledge that that distance existed and was actively detrimental to c!dream’s safety. fuck, the ANGER in itself was detrimental to c!dream. c!punz’s defining characteristic according to the cc is his anger, when he’s not putting on a persona for the rest of the server,,, and this anger was doing c!dream no favors. we could see that in the finale. we could see that as he literally spent months upon months wasting away in the prison AFTER RECLAIMING THE KEYCARDS and apparently just spent all his fucking time in that place. we can see that when c!punz’s anger leads to c!dream confronting LN which ends up with him staying in the prison without moving for weeks on end, when c!punz’s anger leads to him reviving c!dream minutes after he dies in front of c!clingyduo which ends up leading to the events that prompt them to nuke the fucking server. 

like, ultimately, c!dream and c!punz are characters that had each other and only each other in terms of people who knew the truth abt each other’s plans. they care about each other’s safety. they also have inherently incompatible individual motivations and were severely alienated from each other in ways that carried out throughout their relationship into the finale, and these differences are what defined finale c!dream and c!punz the way they ended up being. and yes, a lot of these decisions were exacerbated by the hostility of the environment they lived in and how being c!dream’s ally was a death sentence. yes, a lot of this has to do with the logical benefits of standing apart so that they could revive each other in case something went wrong. and yes, this has to do with c!dream’s being extremely fucking mentally ill and delusional from the beginning of when their partnership became more defined, after c!dream received the revive book, lost every other ally, and went on a paranoid spiral that ended up with him in pandora. but it’s the differences and the isolation that to me, make this pair in particular so compelling and IMPORTANT in canon. 

[tumbleringismycopingmechanism]

(Question comes from this post by @pancake-breakfast . My other answers are linked in my pinned post.)

3. Utelize the Who Is She/Who Was She song series to discuss how Horse’s way of defining herself changes throughout the series.

In the beginning of Who Is She Horse pretends to be super confident and to be an impressive singer and dancer. This is insofar a lie that she feels super uncomfortable with the situation and doesn’t actually wanna perform for the Cattaurs. She actually is a genuinly good singer and dancer and seems to have no problem performing at other times, so it’s not that much of a lie. She also claims that her magic is very inspired, which is probably the biggest lie in this beginning part because so far she only has one spell (as far as she knows) and she hates it.

After the Glitter Cats make her trip, she decides to be honest. She says „she is strong, but she hides her fears inside“ and „she won’t stop ‘til she’s home“. This is true since we spent the last few episodes watching her trying not to cry in front of others, surpressing her frustration and overall just very determined to go home. What is most interesting here is that she says she’s „strong but she hides her fears“ and not, for example, she’s „strong ‘cause she hides her fears“. I think this already shows a change in mindset from the beginning of the show where she was convinced that surpressing emotions is neccessary to be a strong warrior. Now she says she’s strong despite hiding her fears, almost as if she’s aware that sharing them and trying to work through them would make her stronger than surpressing them ever could.

The song continues with „she’s a warrior, she has stared the darkness in the eye“. Horse defines herself via her ability to fight even more clearly here. It’s in character for her since that’s what she’s done throughout the entire season so far and even later it’s still a huge part of how she sees herself. What’s new is the next line: „She is flawed but she’s learning, she is awed but she’s yearning for someone worth it.“ Horse acknowledges that even though she is a tough warrior, this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t also have flaws she needs to work on, although she doesn’t go into detail about what she thinks those flaws are. She also admits to being awed (which I interpret as being awed with Centaurworld), which isn’t a side of her we get to see very often because usually she complains about how weird Centaurworld is and how much she hates it there. Here she admits that she likes Centaurworld, yet in the same sentence she also makes it clear that this doesn’t matter. No matter how much she is awed by Centaurworld, her yearning to get back to Rider is stronger. When she then sings „This is hard, but she’s worth it“ it could be seen as her admitting that leaving Centaurworld and her new friends and all the things she’s figuring out about herself behind might be hard for her, but at this point her friendship with Rider is more important than all of these things combined.

All in all, in this first version of Who Is She Horse defines herself primarily by her ability to fight and her relationship with Rider. We see hints that that’s not all there is to her, but she would rather leave the other parts of her personality behind than risk losing those big two things.

Next is the reprise of Who Is She that Horse sings to the Whaletaur. It starts with Horse asking for help. This is already a big change from Horse at the beginning of the season where she insisted everyone had to fight for themselves. This change comes from the fact that she doesn’t recognize herself anymore. „I think I’m far too gone and my reflection has become an unfamiliar someone.“ Her physique has changed quite drastically and she is under the impression that this has cost her her ability to fight and will furthermore cost her her relationship with Rider. We see in later episodes that the former isn’t true. Horse can still perform her manouver with Rider in The Rift Part 2 and in season 2 it’s very clear that she is also still very capable of coming up with good battle strategies and thinking like a warrior. However, Horse has at this point no way to know that. What she does know is that her defined muscles have been replaced with a wibbly-wobbly Centaurworld-like body. With these changes she has also begun to forget Rider’s face.

„So close but I think I’m stuck in place. I don’t deserve you now that I forgot your face.“ Now that one of the two aspects she defined herself by is gone and she worries that the other one is at least fading as well, she gives up fighting. Her morale is at rock bottom and she’d rather give up than risk another disappointment. It also contrasts with the first version of the song: According to Horse, Rider is worth it (aka the trouble of getting back to her) but Horse doesn’t deserve her.

„She’s the ghost of the girl I used to know, she’s the echo I am chasing.“ This part is interesting because in the context of the song (especially with the visuals) it is clear that she’s referring to Rider here. This once again empathizes how much Horse defines herself by her relationship with Rider. However, these lyrics also apply to Horse herself. She’s chasing the echo of the warrior she used to be, of who she was before Centaurworld. She longs to go back to being the Horse Rider knew. This isn’t possible because she has learned and grown and changed since then. The changes are so fresh however that Horse cannot see yet that they didn’t take anything away from her, but helped her become a better person.

The next part of the song is a reflection on her journey so far. Horse is in such a depressed state during this song, and here we see that emphasized with how she distorts the events: She didn’t go on her own and she is not alone right now. She may feel lost and panicked, but she made new friends who all try to help her (to the best of their abilities) and even the Whaletaur (whom she’s singing to), who is technically a stranger, just wants to help her. But she feels as though she’s on her own with all her worries. In the end she feels so crushed by all these changes and so alone in dealing with them that she choses to give up on even trying to deal with it and jumps into the Whaletaur.

The final version of this song is Who Was She. Now this song is set right after Horse sacrifices herself to buy the others some time. It starts with a spoken part where Horse apologizes to Rider for leaving her behind like this. I think it’s noteworthy that she only addresses Rider here, which shows that she is still her closest friend and her first thought. Only after the apology does she wonder what everyone thinks of her now.

As the actual singing begins, Horse realizes her situation, gone from both worlds. This time she acknowledges that it’s not just Rider she couldn’t properly say her farewells to, but all of her friends. She regrets that she had to hurt them this way, but at the same time is sure it was the right decision. In opposition to the other songs, other people’s perception of her is not the only focus anymore, but coexists with her thoughts and feelings about her own actions and a certainty that they were correct.

„She was a soldier, and an orphan, she was tough for so long. But she had to open herself up to others to truely be strong.“ In that first sentence, Horse reiterates how she saw herself for most of her life; someone who had been traumatized and had to face that every day to survive, someone who took their self-worth from being capable of facing it bravely. In the second sentence we see that she has grown from that mindset. Yes, she deserves to be proud of herself for her admirable fight in the war, but to truely be strong she had to learn to rely on others as well, to let people in, to actually understand what she was fighting for.

This time, when she recounts her trip through Centaurworld, it’s not in the context of feeling alone. Rather it evokes a feeling of „I did it, I went above and beyond to get where I am now. It was a hard journey but so worth it.“ The melody gives Horse’s (word-wise rather neutral) recollecting this triumphant feeling.

And then she finishes this song, saying she was loved. Yes, she went through this incredible journey, she made it to the other side, she improved upon herself along the way. But all this pales in comparison to the fact that she had people who cared for her, to the point that she claims that nothing but that love mattered. Before, Horse was anxious that who she was wasn’t good enough and that if she wasn’t the best soldier she could be, she was undeserving of love and would end up alone. Now she is sure that she is loved, all her flaws included. She is still proud of who she is and how much she grew, but she no longer relies on that to be the thing that defines her and her worth (to herself and others).

[flower-boi16]

Lily Orchard’s Takes on Hunter are garbage and here’s why [The Owl House]

I decided to remake this post because there were some things I wanted to add in or change about the original post (and because no one saw the original post lol). So...let’s just get this over with. 

I'm just gonna cut to the chase; The Owl House is a fantastic show and I think LO's takes on one of the characters in the series are poorly thought out or just not true and here's why. For those who (somehow) don't know; Lily Orchard is a youtuber who makes video essays on cartoons, she's also probably the most controversial youtube critic I've seen. I'm not gonna cover much of the drama that Lily's been involved in, but I felt like that was worth mentioning. The Owl House is a show that Lily covers quite a bit on her channel, but she has a very certain dislike of one particular character in it; Hunter. I decided to make this post for two reasons; 1) I don't see many people debunking Lily's arguments about Hunter outside of some asks on LO gossip blogs on Tumblr and 2) I really like Hunter. He's probably my second favorite of the main characters right below Luz for me, and I wanted to make this post after finishing the show because...

Lily's arguments about Hunter aren't very good. They are filled with Lily constantly making poorly thought out and false arguments about Hunter that could be easily disproven if you actually watch the show. So I'm gonna cover some of Lily's points about Hunter and why they are false. This post is going to cover some of Lily's major arguments criticizing Hunter and why I disagree with them. Let's begin.

"Hunter Is a Passive Character"

I'll just take this piece of text from a really good article I've found about passive characters right here:

"These characters have goals — from as small as a glass of water to as big as saving the world — and their determination to achieve those goals creates the stakes of the story.  Passive characters are, naturally, the opposite. They wait for things to happen instead of making them happen. They’re reactive, not proactive.  Whereas active characters impact the story, passive characters sit back and experience the story." -WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID WRITING PASSIVE CHARACTERS (& HOW TO MAKE THEM ACTIVE)

As the text says, a passive character is a character that doesn't contribute to the story in any meaningful way and simply sits back, and watches the story as it goes, often waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen. It's important to define what a passive character is to illustrate my point; that being, Hunter is not a passive character, which is what Lily accuses him of being. To take some quotes from Lily's video on Hunter:

"Hunter's character has been passive from his first appearance, even when he had the trash boy Vanitas vibe going for him. He shows up, does nothing, refuses to elaborate and leaves."

"Typically passive characters aren't a good thing to give this kind of screen time to because the majority of that time will be spent watching them hem and haw and drag their feet. This was the problem with Hollow Mind. It doesn't go through much information that's new to the viewer, and indeed that new information is kept to the background paintings. And that's because 90% of the episode is spent watching Hunter cope and seeth which grinds the story to a halt"

"Most of the time when he's actually in an episode, the story grinds to a halt while Hunter sits there and does fucking nothing and you may as well skip to act 3 because its going to go the same way the last few of them went" -Glass of Water Character Potential Doesn't Excuse Lazy Writing

Lily says that in most of the episodes centering around Hunter, he just sits there and does nothing until the episode's third act. However, this simply isn't true. Let's look at four out of the five episodes focusing on Hunter and why the things he does in those episodes don't make him passive.

S2 EP 6: Hunting Palisman: I don't have much to say about Hunter in this one. This episode basically introduces us to Hunter proper where we get to see him grow a slight friendship with Luz and him deciding to let her take the palisman instead of betraying her. Don't have much to say here.

S2 EP9: Eclipse Lake - This is an example of Hunter pushing the plot forward and him not being a passive character. Here, he disguises himself as a coven scout to go to the expedition led by Kikimora searching for Titan blood in eclipse lake so he could prove himself to be useful to Belos after he says that Hunter is "replaceable".  Later in the episode, he gets the Titan blood key and gives it to Belos. This is an example of Hunter being an active character; he pushes the plot forward and contributes to it, which is important because passive characters don't do that; rather, they wait for the plot to happen and react to it rather than actually making the plot happen.

S2 EP 13: Any Sport in a Storm - Now this is where Lily's points about Hunter being "passive" really begin to show their cracks. In this episode, Hunter goes to find recruits for the emperor's coven after being "ordered" by Darius to do, so he could, like in the last episode, prove his worth to the emperor's coven. Here, he joins Willow's flyer derby team and after playing a game he basically kidnaps them and makes them join the emperor's coven against their will. After realizing what he did was fucked he goes to protect them by saying their too weak for the emperor's coven, giving them a chance to escape. Hunter, like in the last episode, is not only an active character by pushing the plot forward, but he also goes through development here as he learns to make connections with people outside of the emperor's coven and is even willing to take a lethal blow from Darius to and sacrifice his status to protect his friends. Hunter, like in his last episode, is not a passive character.

S2 EP16 Hollow Mind - Hey, did you know that Lily thinks Hollow Mind is the worst episode of the show and thinks it's a 1/10? I could cover how bad Lily's takes on this episode are but someone already did make a video on that so I won't touch on her other takes about the episode here, but it's clear from the last quote that Lily misses the point of the episode. In this episode, Hunter gets trapped with Luz inside of Belos's mind and they end up seeing Belos's memories, which challenge Hunter's entire worldview. The episode shows how much Hunter was manipulated by Belos, as he believes that Belos has done nothing wrong and that he is making Hunter do the right thing. As the episode goes on however, and he and Luz begin seeing Belos's memories, Hunter ends up being in denial that Belos is actually evil, making excuses for what he did in those memories, with this line after Hunter and Luz see what the sigils actually do standing out to me;

Luz: You can't deny it now. Belos is trying to hurt people!

Hunter: He was just... perfecting sigil magic! Besides, maybe, he's remembering things wrong. Who knows how mindscapes work?

Luz: I thought you did!

Hunter: Well, maybe I'm an idiot!

Hunter was raised to think that emperor Belos was doing a good thing, and that he loves him. All of that comes crashing down when It's revealed that Belos has killed previous Golden Guards, and the episode ends with breaking from Belos's control and realizing that he was being used and manipulated all along with his whole world turning upside down. This episode has Hunter learn the truth about Belos and shows how much Belos warped his worldview into believing he was doing the right thing. That's the point of Hollow Mind; It's about Hunter realizing that Belos has lied to him this whole time and breaking free from his abusive "uncle". The fact that Lily just labels this episode as another one where he "waffles around about whether to do the right thing again" is just missing the point. Again, he's been lied to his whole life, it's gonna take a lot for him to see the truth.

S2 EP18 Labyrinth Runners - I don't have much to say about this one, but Hunter does still grow as a character here. In the episode, Adrian (The head of the illusionist coven) tries to get the students of Hexside to get sigils for the day of unity, and Gus ends up creating a giant illusion that covers the entire school making many students (and teachers) get lost in the illusion. Before that, It's revealed that after the events of Hollow Mind, Hunter has gone under hiding from Belos and went to Hexside to crash in. Like the previous episodes, this episode has Hunter grow as a character, with him overcoming his trust issues with Gus, but he also saves Gus from Adrian. This is another episode where Hunter grows as a character and actively pushes the plot forward.

So, as we've seen through all of these episodes, Hunter is not a passive character, unlike what Ms Orchard over here would like to tell you. He doesn't spend most of his episodes focusing on him sitting around doing nothing; In all of the episodes he's in he is either actively pushing the plot forward or growing and developing as a character. Lemme take another piece of text from that article I previously mentioned;

These characters have goals — from as small as a glass of water to as big as saving the world — and their determination to achieve those goals creates the stakes of the story. - WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID WRITING PASSIVE CHARACTERS (& HOW TO MAKE THEM ACTIVE)

Hunter starts out as a character that has a goal; that being proving himself worthy to the emperor's coven, and we see him try to work for that goal in S2 EP9 and S2 EP13. So, Hunter is not a passive character, he's a character who either pushes the story forward or is actively growing and developing, unlike what Lily would like to tell you.

And here’s another thing; notice how Lily never sites any examples to her point where she says this:

"Most of the time when he's actually in an episode, the story grinds to a halt while Hunter sits there and does fucking nothing and you may as well skip to act 3 because its going to go the same way the last few of them went" -Glass of Water Character Potential Doesn't Excuse Lazy Writing

“The same as the last few of them went”, Lily, please explain how each of Hunter’s episodes go if you’re going to make this claim. Hunter’s episodes don’t have the same structure copied and pasted throughout, if you actually watch them you would know this. I know Lily watched these episodes, so where is she getting this from?

"Hunter is Stapled onto Other Characters"

This is another common complaint Lily has with Hunter, that being he is "stapled" onto other characters in his episodes and that he often overshadows them. I'm just gonna cut to the chase; wtf does this even mean? Lily doesn't specify what she means by Hunter being "stapled" onto other characters nor why it's a bad thing, if anything all she is describing here is Hunter interacting with other characters in his episodes. However, there is another side to this argument that Lily has, that being that she thinks that Hunter overshadows other characters, mainly Willow and Gus, and that they get pushed to the side for the sake of his arc, and that Hunter takes up too much screen time.

The issue with this point is that Hunter really doesn't overshadow other characters as much as Lily says he does. For Gus in particular in Labyrinth Runners he isn’t pushed to the side in favor of Hunter like how Lily says he is; the episode shows both of them working through their trust issues. Hunter isn’t being “stapled” onto Gus here just so he could overshadow him, both characters support each other’s arcs and help them grow. It really feels like Lily hates Hunter for just...being in an episode, regardless of the reason. As for Willow, I don’t think Hunter overshadowed her much either. That being said, I always found Willow to be an underdeveloped character to begin with so maybe that’s why, but like Gus she also does support Hunter’s arc and helps him grow. 

She even sometimes says that Hunter is just shoved into an episode for no reason other than Dana apparently liking him a lot which...also no, Hunter is not shoved into an episode for no reason, in his episodes he is interacting with other characters and growing because of them.

So yes, Hunter is stapled onto other characters....why is that a bad thing tho? He’s just interacting with other characters in the show, what’s wrong with that? Why is a character interacting with other characters bad? Like, in her TOH season 2 round up video, one of the cons for the episode Hollow Mind is “Golden Guard is stapled onto Luz to inflate his importance”...so she’ll just list Hunter being there or interacting with the characters as something wrong with an episode...ya. If that’s not another really bad point I don’t know what is.

"Hunter is a superfluous character"

This section is going to be shorter than the other two mainly because this was partially responded to in the first section, but it was a big enough criticism for Hunter that Lily has so it's worth giving its own section to. So anyways, Lily often says that Hunter is an unnecessary character and that you could remove him from the story and nothing would change. This, like Lily's other points about Hunter, isn't true. Aside from how, like I mentioned earlier, Hunter has a connection to Belos, the main antagonist of the series, he makes major contributions to the plot outside of that. He's the one to give the titan blood key to Belos, he saves Gus from the illusionist, he discusses what is going to happen on the day of unity with the other students at Hexside, and he's the one to get possessed by Belos. So no, Hunter is not an unnecessary character, he's a character that makes contributions to the plot , and major ones at that.

Conclusion

So, that was my mini-essay on why I disagree with Lily's points on Hunter. I had never made a post as big as this one before, but hey, at least I get satisfaction out of defending one of my favorite characters in a show that I like from someone who clearly misunderstands it. So ya...bye

[prefrontal-bastard]

Your recent posting has left me kind of troubled, and I would like to ask for clarification

Being Good is kind of my primary motivator in life in general. I tend to do anything because I feel it is the Right Thing to Do. I often feel a sense of guilt that I *don’t* genuinely care about most issues I engage with outside of immediate effects

But I do Good because Good is What You Should Do and if there’s any value I have, it’s to always do the Most Good thing. Regardless of how I personally feel about it

And I tend to look for ideologies that are the most coherent and lead to the most well-being for everyone to fulfill this internal drive to do the Most Good

I wish I had more of that kind of internal compass that most people seem to that kind of… informs them of what good is. But for me it’s always been an external act of actively looking for what Good is and trying to do whatever the best model I can find says Good is

I’m not sure it’s in my, admittedly very abnormal, neurotype to be able to find something different… I’ve not had that sense of morality outside of Good and Not Good and the idea to pursue one and avoid the other. The exact Content of Good and Not Good could be filled with any particular set of values and fulfill the same moral reaction to me, though I do try to optimize for least harm and most wellbeing

The concept that it would be better to Not Do Good if my internal state doesn’t have some like… primary motivator for that because it’s demeaning to those I am helping now has me in mental loops. If just Doing Good isn’t enough… I may be incapable of Good at all, which is disturbing to me on a very deep level

So, Good and Bad are subjective concepts, meaning they’re experienced differently and defined differently depending on the person, the group, and even the society. What’s considered “good” to one may be “bad” to another.

Ultimately, morality exists to provide a framework for human cooperation. It’s there to help guide your sensibilities so you can get along with the rest of society. It’s not a litmus test for measuring your worth as a human—that’s dogmatic propaganda.

Outside the social moors involved in cooperation, our actions and behavior should be determined by what we personally value.

So, what do you value? What concepts do you, of your own free will, find valuable, and why?

Personally, my strongest value lies in upholding people’s inherent right to self-sovereignty, including their right to self-definition. I have this value because I’ve experienced what it’s like to be robbed of it. I also value being accurate, because phenomenon can still be objectively beneficial or antagonistic regardless of how “good” or “bad” we think it is, and I value understanding something for what it is rather than what I feel like it should be.

I’m…not sure if this helps at all? Let me know if you need me to address anything specific.

[prolific-star11]

Breaking Bad Habits

Breaking Bad Habits: A Step-by-Step Guide to Lasting Change

We all have habits we’d like to break. Whether it’s biting our nails, scrolling endlessly on social media, or snacking late at night, bad habits can feel like unshakable routines. But here’s the good news: with the right approach, breaking bad habits is not only possible but can also lead to profound personal growth.

In this blog post, we’ll explore practical and effective strategies to help you break free from bad habits and replace them with healthier ones. Let’s dive in!

Step 1: Identify the Habit and Its Triggers

The first step to breaking any habit is understanding it. Habits are formed through a loop of cue (trigger), routine (behavior), and reward (result). To break the loop, you need to know what sets the habit in motion.

Track Your Habit: Keep a journal for a week to observe when and where the habit occurs, what precedes it, and how you feel during and after.

Pinpoint Triggers: Is it stress, boredom, or a specific time of day? Knowing your triggers helps you anticipate and disrupt the habit loop.

Step 2: Set Clear and Achievable Goals

Once you’ve identified the habit, define what success looks like.

Be Specific: Instead of saying, “I want to stop procrastinating,” say, “I will spend 30 minutes each morning on my priority task.”

Start Small: Focus on one habit at a time. Trying to overhaul multiple behaviors at once can lead to burnout.

Step 3: Replace the Habit

Breaking a habit isn’t just about stopping a behavior; it’s about replacing it with something better.

Find a Positive Alternative: If you’re trying to stop snacking on junk food, replace it with a piece of fruit or a glass of water.

Retain the Reward: Identify what the habit is giving you (e.g., relaxation, distraction) and find a healthier way to achieve the same outcome.

Step 4: Change Your Environment

Your surroundings play a significant role in shaping your habits. Make your environment work for you.

Remove Temptations: If you’re trying to watch less TV, put the remote control in a drawer or unplug the TV.

Add Positive Cues: Place workout clothes by your bed if you want to exercise in the morning.

Step 5: Use Accountability

Accountability can provide the extra push you need to stick to your goals.

Share Your Goals: Let friends or family know what you’re working on. Their support can motivate you.

Find a Buddy: Team up with someone who shares similar goals so you can encourage each other.

Step 6: Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps you become aware of your actions, making it easier to interrupt negative patterns.

Be Present: When you feel the urge to engage in the habit, pause and reflect. Why do you feel this way? What can you do instead?

Urge Surfing: Cravings often pass like waves. Acknowledge the feeling without acting on it, and it will likely subside.

Step 7: Reward Progress

Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can help cement new behaviors.

Set Milestones: For example, if you go a week without engaging in the habit, reward yourself with something enjoyable.

Acknowledge Wins: Even small victories deserve recognition. They add up over time!

Step 8: Be Patient and Persistent

Changing habits takes time. Be prepared for setbacks but don’t let them derail your progress.

Learn from Relapses: If you slip up, analyze what went wrong and adjust your approach.

Focus on Consistency: Progress, not perfection, is the key to lasting change.

Step 9: Leverage Technology

There are countless tools to help you stay on track.

Habit-Tracking Apps: Apps like Habitica, Streaks, or Loop can provide visual progress and reminders.

Set Alerts: Use your phone to send gentle nudges to stick to your new behavior.

Step 10: Seek Professional Help if Needed

If a habit is deeply ingrained or tied to emotional issues, a therapist or counselor can provide valuable guidance and support.

Final Thoughts

Breaking bad habits isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. By understanding your habits, setting clear goals, and replacing negative behaviors with positive ones, you can create lasting change. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about making consistent progress.

What bad habit are you ready to break? Share your journey in the comments below—we’re rooting for you every step of the way!

[visuallanguagesophie]

Index and stranger brief research:

From the workshops we have undertaken for each brief, I have enjoyed both of them equally. For the index workshop I enjoyed making traces of an activity such as documenting movement and for the stranger workshop I enjoyed viewing my surroundings with new eye as if I’ve never seen it before. And so I have begun more in depth research for each brief in deciding what I want to choose.

INDEX

An index communicates meaning through physical effect - it is a trace of physical impact that shows the presence or action that created them. Artists have used index for centuries, all the way back to the prehistoric days where pigmented covered hands were used to make drawings on caves.

An index implies a trace of presence, movement, action.

Looking at Charles Sanders Peirce (1839-1914). Pierce originally developed the symbol/index/icon group as one term in a complex formal system of semiotics and logic.

Pierce refers to an index as the “connection both with the individual object, and with the senses or memory of the person for whom it serves as a sign”. An index is directly influenced by their objects.

Pierce also discusses three different types of indexes which is tracks, symptoms and destinations. To summarise this:

Tracks: physical, cause & effects - but not simultaneous with an object

Symptoms: simultaneous with an object - trace of object and the actual object may be difficult to identify

Destinations: point or signify but distant from their object

I found this interesting that there are different types of indexes and not all are simultaneous with an object.

STRANGER

I first looked at what stranger is defined by in the dictionary.

Definitions from Oxford Languages stranger

noun noun: stranger; plural noun: strangers a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar.

“don't talk to strangers" a person who does not know, or is not known in, a particular place or community. "I'm a stranger in these parts"

a person entirely unaccustomed to (a feeling, experience, or situation).

Similar: unknown person,newcomer, new arrival, incomer, visitor, foreigner, outsider, alien, offcomer

After we were given the stranger brief and discussed the possible ideas we could explore within the brief (Alienation, Identity, Semiotics and Language, Post-Colonial Studies (specifically the idea of 'the Other').

Alienation really stood out to me and I feel drawn to this the most. As someone with autism, the word alienation isn’t new to me. For people with autism, we often feel alienated in the world - we sometimes feel like outsiders and so I really resonate with this concept.

Researching and looking at emotions associated with alienation;

Feeling distanced from work, family, and friends, feeling helpless, feeling that the world is empty or meaningless, feeling left out of conversations or events, feeling different or separate from everyone else, having difficulty approaching and speaking with others, especially parents, feeling unsafe when interacting with others, refusing to obey rules.

I also began researching links to alienation with autism more specifically;

"Sometimes, autistic alienation affects other areas besides employment. Autistics become accustomed to questioning their worth, so they might not speak up when people infantilize them or talk to them like they are children instead of fully-grown adults."

[bodyimagechangeseverything]

What is Beauty According to Me?

So, makeup, a lot of people have different outlooks on it. I am going to be sharing my personal opinion on it. I think that makeup is a very special thing we have today especially when it comes to theatre, cultural purposes, and even art. Makeup is a form of art that anyone including women and men can explore, but “how is makeup art?” Well, makeup is a very creative activity because you can explore different century looks, geometric shapes, and colours. It is easily an art based on the exploring aspect of makeup. I think that there is no such thing as too much makeup because there is no end to art just our imagination! Although I do think that makeup shouldn’t become something that a person only thinks makes them beautiful. All makeup does is enhance our natural beauty and we don’t need makeup to be beautiful but rather as a form of art or to enhance what beauty we already have. 

Fashion. Fashion is an amazing statement to our personalities. Fashion does enhance beauty in the way that it defines our natural body types and enhances the looks of our curves and body shapes. Earlier I said fashion is a statement of our personalities, what I like about fashion is a person can wear what they want to wear for example more colourful clothes, neutral colours, fluffy or puffy sleeves, dresses, and so much more and you can often get an outlook on the persons personality based of what they wear. Multiple brands are expanding in the varieties of clothing they have which gives us more options for our wardrobe. Fashion isn’t just about enhancing our body it reflects off of our amazing personalities!  But a lot of clothing brands limit their sizes, and you often see a lot of brands have size six clothing and less of the bigger sizing so that can make a lot of people self-conscious but we aren’t supposed to fit the clothes, the clothes are in fact made to fit our bodies. I know when I'm shopping for clothing it's hard for me to find sizing that fits me, so it gets me down and it shines an unhealthy body image into my brain. So, we need to remind ourselves that all of these beauty-enhancing products aren’t what makes us beautiful. We as people are beautiful with what is on the inside of us not just the outside.

Media. Media really can affect people's opinions and ways of thinking. Platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, etc. can become the worst enemy of people and it makes young ones especially to compare themselves and their bodies to other people. For me, as an example, I know that going on Tik Tok not all the time but sometimes, someone will be doing a dance or a get-ready with me makeup routine or something like that and I will think to myself “I wish I could look like her, she's so pretty, she has a perfect hourglass figure, etc.” Comparing ourselves to others is not healthy we have to stop and tell ourselves that just because we don’t look like other people doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful in our own way. Social media platforms eventually make people critical of other people and then end up putting nasty comments on posts of someone else calling them ugly, fat, unattractive, etc. Once people get used to the new standard of beauty, they are critical of others, and this is usually a sign that they aren’t confident with themselves. We need to start making a positive environment and it's not just going to happen by itself we need to help change the attitudes of this society. For example, I follow a few influencers one main one is Spencer Barbosa. She grew up not being very confident but now she is an influencer, and she is teaching thousands of people what their self-worth is and to try not to care too much about people's judgments of our bodies. I have found her very helpful and when people are around that positive attitude makes it hit them and the more you are in that type of environment the more it affects that person in a good way.

I strongly believe with every inch of my body that beauty isn’t defined by our bodies or outside appearance. It is mainly based on who we are as a person on the inside. Such as our morals, personality, etc. So, what if we have cellulite, and fat on our bodies, what if you can see our bones? We are all made out of the same type of skin and cells, and we all have the same anatomy of a heart. What does it matter what the outside of our bodies looks like? What if we have an hourglass figure and they are nasty people based on their personality and their morals? I feel like the main thing we should focus on is our beauty on the inside work on who we are as people and worry less about what people think. I hope that we can form a community and try our best as one to change society's standards of “beauty.” We also need to focus on how judgemental we are because I know even though I believe that it’s the inside of a person that makes them beautiful I know I still need to work on not judging people based on their outside appearance. For example, It gets hard for me especially when you are around this negative world full of people judging and having beauty standards that sometimes you can get sucked into that way of thinking.

This is for the "What is beauty" assignment.

[catysharksstuff]

E is for Enough

I am very far behind on this quest. In fact, I have missed four full weeks of essays - if one discounts (as one should) the pithy entry posted last. There are myriad reasons for that, of course, but none of them particularly matter, at least not for these purposes. The point is I am resolved to “catch up” and tackle essays E, F, G, and H this week.

I’m in a period of deep reflection right now, so this is a good time to be meditating on these questions. I’ve taken this week off work and I’ve consulted ChatGPT (no, really) to get ideas of how to frame this week for maximal rest, recovery, and nurture. ChatGPT was extremely helpful (yes, really) and suggested I take the first day to rest and relax, the second to nourish myself in nature, and the third day - this day - to pursue mindful meditation*. Consequently I’ve turned clocks to face the wall and stuck post-it notes over electronic time keepers. I’ve put my cell phone on “sleep” and told it to suppress the time on the Lock Screen. I’ve let the Husband know I’m going to be silent all day, and thanked him for indulging me. And so far, so it has been. I’ve said “hello” to a dog (forgetting), and “Jesus” to myself (startled). But other than that, I’ve said nothing and listened to no podcast, audiobook, not even music. I don’t know what time it is, other than when I bloused for lunch the app did tell me it was 1 something pm. Other than that I am both silent and timeless. But I’ve read, got quite lost in the river valley, thought deeply and also not thought. And now I’m here ready to contemplate E.

E was originally to be “Enlightenment”, but on reflection I think “Enough” is a better word from which to jump into musing. “Enough” because the very lack of my sticking-to-it-ness goes straight to the heart of what being Enough is for me. As in, I signed myself up for this challenge/assignment/commitment and managed a good four weeks of effort and then, as so often is the case, it fizzled out. I got lost in my thoughts, my newsfeeds, my work, my stress, and whatever extreme fatigue is was that I have been suffering from this past month. I had bandwidth for nothing, and so things dropped off. And, as much as I berated myself, I also didn’t do anything about it. I did not write here, but also I did not do a lot of other things. And so I failed at being Enough. At least, I did in my telling of it.

It’s an interesting word - “Enough”. It means “sufficient to requirement” or “fulfilling need” or something similar (I didn’t look it up). And I suppose the key to those statements is defining was is requirement, what is need? If one can know that, then one can make an intelligent determination of wether one - or another, or anything - is sufficient. But what is requirement? That’s where the idea becomes philosophical, as most all of this does. Who gets to determine that?

I would argue that it’s oneself. Myself, in the case of me. I get to say what is enough. But the challenge for me is, and has always been, figuring that out. What is enough for me? What should I do, or be, or achieve, in order that I can say I’ve satisfied my own requirements or met my own needs? That might be point of deep inquiry, or it could be. The opposite of Socrates’ “the unexamined life is not worth living”. One must examine ones life to see what requirements one might have, consciously or subconsciously. And it’s probably a life’s work, isn’t it? For those of us who choose to undertake examination, that is. And I do think it’s a great privilege to be in a position of being able to make such an inquiry. If I lacked food or shelter or the basics of human need, I’d probably be much preoccupied with that - with basic survival. But since I’ve never been involuntarily hungry or shelterless, and because I have this whole life with which to indulge myself in the deep inquiry, I’m lucky I get to do so.

Although sometimes it does not feel so lucky. I’m sure there’s another way of blithely rolling through one’s existence focused on the most important thing at the time: workplace drama, whatever the latest Kardashian is doing, making more money, getting just one decent night sleep out of a nine month old….no shade cast this way if that’s the thing for you, truly. Although I’ve not had the experience of child-based sleepless nights, and have never cared about Kardashians; I’ve definitely gone down rabbit holes of preoccupation with celebrities, politics, tv shows, and a whole freaking lot of workplace drama. So it’s not as though your writer can hold herself aloft and say she has only spent her idle time contemplating existence….but I have, also, contemplated existence and the basis of that, I think, is this concept of Enough.

I want to matter. I want to have mattered. I don’t want to waste my time here on this earth, in this life. But I’m still - at the grand old age of forty six - struggling with what I actually mean by that, and also by how much do I truly mean it. Like, does it truly come from “me” or is it something that I’ve had impressed upon me by family, or society, or who knows where/what/who?

Then again, there are two quotes that I read very early into my adulthood that have adhered themselves to the inside of my psyche and that I have ruminated on for so long that, by now, they’re just part of what I think I am.

The first was something an old university dorm mate had stuck to her pin board and I told her I liked it, so she gave it to me. I would have been 19 at the time. It’s from Thoreau’s “Walden”:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.

The second I cannot remember how I came across, other than I know I posted it to a very rudimentary blog I created for myself in 1999, aged 22. There were a bunch of quotes on that page - the Walden one; but also ones from actors and novels and I don’t remember where I gathered most of them. The sticky one though was from Shaw’s “Man and Superman”

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

Neither of these truly answer the question “to me, what is being Enough?” But, that I picked them both up so young, and but, that I’ve carried them with me for the better part of twenty five years, I think they do point to what I’m searching for: to Live Deliberately. To have a Purpose recognized by myself as a Mighty One. To Suck All the Marrow out of Life.

And there are ways, so many ways, that might be manifest. There’s stuff that is the obvious Go-To (charitable good works, crusading for a cause, curing disease, reversing climate change) but I’d be lying if I said and one of those gave me true shivers of excitement. Maybe because they’re still too vague? But maybe because they’re not “It”. And while, for many folk, their children might be their great purpose - or their family, or their loved ones - it’s not that for me. I mean, to begin, I don’t have children and I don’t feel that as an enormous loss. But also, I have love and great friendship and a good family and that has not satisfied the yearning. So, I just feel there must be more.

Interestingly enough, the reflections of this last year have brought that into slightly sharper focus. I mean, it’s still hazy as all get out, but it’s as though I can see the outline of it now. I feel that things have been clarified a bit. Perhaps because we are married now, and settled into a sweet rhythm. And I have a job that, in its own way, is the Enough - at least insofar as this is as far as I want to go in this field. So now I find my attention turning to what might be next. And although “next” (at least the Big “next”) is quite a way away - five to ten years at least - it’s so hazy and vague that contemplation is the best I can do for now. Then again, time does move faster as one gets older (look, now it’s November!) and five to ten years may approach much faster than I’m ready for. So I am deliberately putting it out there - into the great, blessed, wild, glorious universe - I am looking for “next” and that, in looking for “next”, I’m also looking for “Enough”.

In case you’re curious: tomorrow is “creative expression”, Friday is “indulgence”, Saturday “Connection”, and Sunday “Reflect and Plan”.

[freddyfazbear1]

Greetings, I’m Freddy Fazbear. In this post, I will be introducing myself and how I will treat this blog. I’m quite a simple bear, though I do expect to be treated with respect. Not only am I the name of such a popular corporation, I’m also one of the only sensible people on earth despite being a mechanical machine.

Who are you?

If you don’t know who I am, then you must be out of your mind. Are you really that underground you don’t recognize such an iconic design? I’m Freddy Fazbear and I don’t take kindly to idiocy.

What do you stand for?

Isn’t it obvious? I’m a man, or bear, of pride and strength. I stand for many different things, but I like to believe what shines out the most is my heart. I am passionate and I love passionately, not in a necessarily romantic sense. My heart defines me just as other parts of me do.

My interests, desires, dislikes, hobbies, traits, and values will always be what makes me me. Why should I have to stand for one thing? Do you think all I do is live everyday singing to children I’ll never seen again? That’s quite dull.

What’s your dream?

That one day, I can finally escape this prison that was unwillingly set for me. I think everyone deserves freedom, even if you may have been bad in the past. While there are some exceptions, being locked up and caged to a wall never released an animal of their ferocity. So, why do it to a human? Or even a robot? Or ghost, if you will.

If all humanity ever did was take and take and take, expecting that to improve the wrongs, then humanity in it’s entirety was never going to be better than that one person they’re depriving. If someone took something of value to you, whether it was your freedom or an object of some kind, would you return to them with kindness in your heart? Would you relieve yourself from your box of spite in this time apart from what made you you?

What inspires you?

A rather silly question. Nothing. When all you’ve known in life is stand, stare, perform, you never get a chance to live a life worth living. I can’t find an ounce of control in my own establishment because I am permanently stuck in this husk of a body.

That is part of the reason I’ve made this blog. To help me see more, learn more in the short time I have left.

Anything else?

I don’t appreciate being rushed. But, I stand by any and all of my beliefs and thoughts. I am not going to succumb to anyone because they may be wary of one thing or two that makes me who I am. If you can’t learn to respect, no one will ever respect you. Who says you’d even deserve it, though?

Quick Blog Rules

If you’re going to comment or reblog anything with extra comments, be sensible and logical. Idiocy is a curse that weighs many down from their potential, I don’t want to deal with mental 10 year olds.

Respect me and I will respect you. I suggest you fear me, I am not your typical person and will do anything in my power to enhance that weakness in your mind you may refer to as “strength” despite knowing you’d never even reach the first step of the ladder. If you can’t order a meal in a restaurant on your own, don’t even try arguing with me.

Don’t be anti-animatronic. Do I really need to explain?

Don’t fucking interact with my blog if you’re Phantom fucking Freddy. Goddamn son of a bitch, I’m gonna fucking find a way to suck your damn ass into a vacuum like those bitches from GhostBusters.

You don’t like my interests. Not sure how often I’ll use this blog or what it’ll be for, but if I have something to share, be. Fucking. Civil.

If you’re gonna ask me anything or PM me, don’t be a douche. I may not take idiocy well but disrespect and hatred? A much different deal, but really? Is it any different at all? Why would you waste time trying to bring someone down when you could be productive instead? Are you that pathetic or is it truly just your low intelligence making all the decisions?

Don’t try to state you’re me. It’s pretty obvious you aren’t.

Celebrate any and everything that has to do with me. You may call it narcissism, I call it self-respect. If you aren’t the one constantly cheering for yourself, who will? Learn to take pride in everything you do. Did you just finish making a cheese sandwich? Celebrate your low skills. Did you just watch a kid get beaten down by their bully and do nothing to help? Celebrate your independence.

Don’t expect anything from me. I may be open to almost everything you lot have to throw at me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be anything predictable. If you want something from me, be patient and maybe before you die, you’ll have the chance to bask in that victory. If not, learn that not everything will go your way.

Don’t talk to me about my personal issues or “bad behaviors.” How I am and what I do is my business, it will never concern you or anyone that isn’t me. When you read the newspapers that dramatically explain how I’ve killed a night guard, will you take that knowledge as truth without confirmation? How can you believe something you weren’t there to witness? How can you truly live life if all you do is assume and believe? I may have killed a few night guards in my lifetime, but that is nothing but a hobby I partake in. So ask yourself, does having an interest make me a bad person?

Extra

I have many thoughts and will share them. If you can’t deal with that, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you. Perhaps even… the world isn’t the place for you. I couldn’t imagine going my life and avoiding others’ opinions because of one little thing. Disliking things is over.

Don’t fuck with me.

If I ever begin to act like a lunatic or simply just stupid, get onto me. Either it’s not me (Foxy fucking taking my computer) or I have finally reached a breaking point I cannot escape without proper support.

Don’t come into my blog if you’re a weirdo. I don’t use the term weirdo lightly or any of the words that fall into how I’m using it. Though I’d prefer any form of discourse off my blog, this is not what that is. These are real world issues and I would like for any of you fucking insane maniacs off my one source of comfort. That being said, pedophiles, zoophiles, racists, lgbtphobes, anti-religion, irl shippers, anti-self diagnosis, and more that fall into this category, STAY THE FUCK OFF MY PAGE.

That’s all for now. Don’t be afraid to interact, do be afraid of how I respond.

[shadowsong26fic]

How Do I Love Thee

Author: shadowsong26

Rating: PG-13

‘Verse: Lux

Characters: Lux, Mariko

Warnings: War/violence/the fire and its fallout.

Notes: Written for the Year of the OTP event. May prompt: flower language. Just little bits and pieces about their feelings/relationship, based (mostly) on a symbolic meaning of each flower. For a couple of them, I used something slightly different (i.e., the physical effect when used as medicine) instead. Not in chronological order; some of these are from their first relationship on the CSP station, and some are from after their reunion.

(I am also going to do this for Star Wars, BSG, and two of my other original ‘verses, if you’re interested in checking those out! One ship per canon. The fanfic ones will be posted to AO3 probably a day or two after they’re on tumblr. Master list of all fills can be found here.)

1. daisy

Lux knows she is not an innocent, of course, and she has never claimed to be; as for her sense of loyalty, well, it depends on how one defines the term, but Mariko--she’s known for some time that, whatever happens, whatever else se might be, her loyalty to her beloved Human is set in stone.

2. narcissus

What Mariko has learned about hope is that it’s only a hairs breadth away from doom and--melodramatic as it sounds, it’s oddly appropriate in her case--damnation; but she would never say that hope--that love--isn’t worth that risk.

3. rose

Sometimes, Mariko isn’t sure what name to give her feelings for her angel--love, of course, but there are so many different kinds and while some obviously don’t fit, there are thousands and thousands of shades of meaning in that one little word that do.

4. violet

Lux is an angel, and angels aren’t men or women the way Humans often are; but Mariko loves women, and Lux is more than pleased to be enough of a woman for her.

5. apple blossom

There is an inherent fragility to Mariko--not just the scars; it was present before she broke and pulled herself together--but the temporary nature of a Human life shines through her, beautiful and brief, and there are times--many times--when Lux can’t stand the thought of how quickly all of this will end.

6. goldenrod

Mariko has always had at least a bit of a sense of adventure, enough to take her across galaxies into places most people barely dreamed of--and enough to let her meet, and love, and follow Lux.

7. mimosa

Kindness is such an odd thing to contemplate; it’s impossible to forget how things ended the first time, and Lux’s war drives her to do many things that even the most optimistic couldn’t call kind, but there are moments between them, little flashes of care like rays of sunlight, that shine through, for Mariko, even on their darkest days.

8. larkspur

They don’t say the words often--not because it’s not something they need or want to hear, but because, by the time they’re there again, by the time Mariko is ready, there are so many other ways they can make their feelings known.

9. lily

They never discussed the possibility of children.

10. baby's breath

Starting over is such a painful thing--they both know that, so when Mariko joins Lux on her ship and they leave Red Sky together, both of them know to move slowly, carefully, to avoid crushing whatever potential they might now have.

11. coneflower

Lux would have thought she’d hate the feeling of any other being’s hands on the scars Michaela left when her wings were broken--but Mariko’s touch, soft and light and gentle, brings her almost a sense of peace.

12. gardenia

Lux has always promised to protect her, but as they find their way back to each other, Mariko sometimes lies awake at night, next to her beloved angel, and wonders how the hell she’s going to protect her.

13. peony

Lux wants nothing but the good fortune and joy for her Mariko; if that means walking away, she will learn to live with the loss somehow.

14. phlox

Despite all the differences between them, something undefinable just fits between them; lining up the rough edges of their hearts into perhaps not something seamless, but certainly something whole.

15. lilac

Mariko has always been somewhere between agnostic and atheist, and now she walks with literal angels--but is it really spiritual, is it really faith if everything about Lux and Gabriel and Simon and all of it is so very tangibly real?

16. safflower

For all the pain and fear and grief and guilt, there also is so much joy, just in looking across the cockpit of their ship and seeing her smile.

17. sweet pea

The first night they spend together is a new experience for both of them, but--God, is it a good one.

18. tuberose

There’s always been a bit of danger in Mariko’s attraction to Lux--emotional danger, in that interspecies relationships so rarely end well, and the power and myth and power of myth, though that comes later.

19. tulip

It may not be enough to save them, or protect them, or guide them through the war to come, but Mariko and Lux truly, deeply love each other, and that matters.

20. chrysanthemum

There are turning points, and crossroads, because that’s life; only once, after the fire when the horror and the pain and the regret were overwhelming, have they chosen to turn away from one another.

21. bluebell

Lux knows that this second war may well end with her death, but the Holy One has said that some things last beyond death, and she likes to think that her love for her Mariko might be one of those things.

22. foxglove

For weeks before either of them actually says anything, Mariko’s heart races whenever Lux is close; angel’s hearts are built a little differently, but metaphorically, if nothing else, the same is true for Lux.

23. snapdragon

Lux has lied when necessary--it’s in her nature to do what is necessary; it takes a grace and strength she hardly knew she had to tell Mariko the entire truth.

24. orchid

Mariko might sometimes feel small and awkward next to the preternatural grace and elegance of her lover, but when Lux looks down at her, she only sees her light.

25. freesia

Trust is hard, after everything Lux has lived through over the eons, after everything Mariko suffered when it ended the first time; but the Holy One knows they never stop trying.

[coinandcandle]

Familiars in History - Witch History

This post will take a look into the history of the witch’s familiar, where they came from, and how the idea of a familiar has evolved over time. 

Edit: Please read my update post Familiar Spirits and The Witches' Familiar for more information on familiars in history! It's more in-depth and has more resources!

At last! I know a few of you have been waiting on this post, and I have been more than excited to research and write about this topic. I've done my best to keep it short and simple while still giving you resources to continue research on your own if you'd like.

Let’s first define familiars in modern witchcraft; Familiars are spirits that guide or help a witch either by protecting them, teaching them, aiding in magical affairs, or all of the above. This is a loose definition and may vary slightly depending on your beliefs.

This post is going to focus on the history of familiars, if you’d like to learn more about familiars in witchcraft and practice check out this post I made.

Etymology

The word familiar comes from the Latin familiaris meaning "of or belonging to the family". Familiaris likely came from the Latin word famulus meaning "slave" or "servant".

The earliest recorded use of the word familiar in reference to witchcraft came along in the 1580s whereas the term familiar spirit has been said to have been used in the 1560s. Familiars were often thought to be spirits inhabiting animals or demons that turn into animals. These familiars could be conjured by the witch or gifted to them by another witch or the Devil, none of this represents familiars as we know them today, of course.

One of the more popular of these animals being black cats.

Witch Trials

The idea of a familiar being a servant of some sort to a witch only started to appear after Christianity took hold which pushed the idea that anything that was not God or an Angel was considered evil or of the devil. This was especially prevalent during the time of witch trials including Europe’s witch trial and not just the more well known trials of Salem.

This is likely why many historical mentions of the word familiar in the context of witches talks about medieval times and witch trials; because the word wasn’t relevant, and probably didn’t exist in the same context before this time. This makes searching for pre-Christian information on familiars pretty impossible. However, this isn’t a post about the witch trials and I won’t write more on the topic of familiars in light of the trials in this post. 

For more on this please read Guardian Spirit or Demonic Pets by James A. Serpell where he talks in great detail about witch’s familiars.

Margaret Alice Murray talks about two different kinds of familiars and how to obtain them in her book The Witch-Cult in Western Europe. This book is Murray’s interpretation of the evidence of Witch Trials in western Europe. It is certainly worth a read and has had an impact on how we think about familiars and witches today.

If you’re interested in learning more about the witch trials and what they truly were let me know and I will write a post about that as well. 

Similarities and Comparisons

In the Christian Bible they are sometimes referred to as familiar spirits or imps, in Judaism they are called in a similar way. In Islam they may be associated with jinn. They are also equated to demons or devils throughout the Christianized Western cultures.

That being said, there are plenty of instances throughout history that predate the witch trials, where almost guardian-like beings similar to familiars are spoken about in a positive light. 

Taking what we know about familiars now–referring to them as spirits that help and guide people–makes it much easier to find resources.

For instance, the Greeks believed in daimons which refers to supernatural beings between men and gods, such as minor gods or spirits of dead heroes. They had good (agathodaímōn or eudaimon) and bad daimons (kakodaimōn) as well as neutral, morally unspecified, daimons which were just called daimons. Some Greeks believed that you could have a personal daimon that would be a sort of guide or attendant. 

Ancient Romans were more specific with names and had multiple genii that fall under the “helper spirit” category, such as Lares Familiares which were household deities or spirits that were guardians of the family.

Nordic folks had Fylgja, a guardian or “follower” spirit that was attached to a person related to their fate. These were often only seen by those with the ability to see the supernatural. In some cases they would foretell the death of the person who they followed but they weren’t inherently a sign of death. (Norse-mythology.org)

Even in Judaism and Christianity there exists the concept of gaurdian angels though the definition will vary by sect. 

It could be said that Islam has a similar concept with beings called Mu'aqqibat, al-mu'aqqibat, that serve as guardians for humans like a guardian angel.

The term spirit guide has been used in more secular circles, meaning simply: an entity that remains as a discarnate spirit to act as a guide or protector to a living incarnated human being. 

TL:DR

The definition of a witch's familiar has changed and evolved throughout time.

Familiars as we know them now are guides, helpers, protectors even, despite how the past has defined the word.

Celestial and spiritual guardians have existed for centuries, though they have been--and still are--called by many different names. 

The reason it’s hard to find information about familiars in a non-witch trial context is because they weren’t relevant before the witch trials, and likely didn’t go by the name “familiar” at all. 

Below are resources and further reading on the topics brought up in this post.

Resources and Citations 

On Familiars

Familiar - Britannica

Etymology of Familiar 

Notes on Familiars by Early Modern Whale

Guardian spirits or Demonic Pets by James A Serpell

On the Witch Trials

Witch Persecutions edited by George L. Burr.

Malleus Maleficarum or The Witch’s Hammer by Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger

The Witch-Cult in Western Europe by Margaret Murray

Misc

Encyclopedia of Demons in World Religions and Cultures by Theresa Bane

The Folklore of Isle of Man ch. III by A. W. Moore 

Fylgja

Imp

If you see something inaccurate or incorrect, or if you have information to further the research of this post, please feel free to contact me and send me your resources so that I can edit or add to this post as needed.

-Coin

[todomitoukei]

is dabi's burns being brought up his sore point?

That's an interesting question!

To answer this, we have to first look into where his burns came from in the first place and what their significance is.

Starting out with his backstory from chapters 301 and 302 Touya's quirk seemed quite promising so that even as a kid, his dad recognized the strength of it and was clearly building up Touya's confidence while training him - leading to Touya always being ready to learn more with a big smile on his face:

But with his hair turning white and his fire already strong, his body began to not be as compatible with his quirk as it used to be, giving him tiny burns:

These burns were only temporary, but the fact alone that his own fire could hurt him horrified him because up until then, he was confident in his ability to surpass All Might and with that, being able to become the person his father wanted and needed him to be; the only person his father could be proud of.

This small sign of weakness was the turning point for Touya and his relationship with his father, who then began to spend less time with him and only gave weak excuses as to why -

which upset Touya, of course. While we do see him yell and just look angry, it's important to keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion and one that often occurs as a defense mechanism when someone feels weak and helpless. And considering Endvr abandoned every child that showed the slightest hint of weakness, it's likely to assume he didn't spend much time teaching Touya manners (since that would require him to have any himself) or teach him how to regulate his emotions (which we know he didn't since that is also why Touya later on almost died).

Touya also got defensive about his situation when Fuyumi voiced her concerns for him, saying that "I know my own body better than anyone" - and then leaving the room with tears streaming down his face without anyone able to see.

His whole relationship with his father was dependant on his quirk and overall strength, so constantly being burned by his own flames created a distance between him and the person he looked up to the most. He didn't want to be reminded of that, not even in the form of someone being concerned for his well-being, which would require him to acknowledge his weakness. If his father was already spending less time with him, what would happen if Touya actually admitted that he had a limit?

That is when he continued to train on his own in an attempt to prove everyone wrong and win his dad back. He denied his own weakness, even going as far as to make sure his scars wouldn't end up in visible places in hopes that no one would notice; putting on a happy facade to try and trick his dad into thinking that he had conquered his limits and was thus able to spend more time together again.

Moving forward a couple of years, we can see that this still affects him. During his fight with Geten in chapter 230 Dabi was acting his usual self, fighting normally and casually until Geten claims that only strength defines a person's worth which immediately shifts Dabi's mood to a serious, angered one, which is not only visible but also supported by his immediate response of "die already" (I'm gonna make a translation comparison for this fight soon!) -

It's also interesting to note that the reaction we get here is similar to chapter 115 when Dabi was going around to recruit people -

and upon being ugly, immediately looked angered and killed the criminals without hesitation. His expression is a lot more serious and cold and as many other people, like @transhawks in this incredible meta, have pointed out before - there is a huge emphasis on eyes in connection with the Todoroki family, especially Endvr, Dabi, and Shouto.

Fast forward even more and we get post-reveal Dabi, who is reflecting by himself, pointing out that he "can't feel anything" - something that applies to him both physically and mentally and it's not the first time he has pointed this out either.

The thing with Dabi is that he is probably the most self-aware character in the entire story. He knows his limits, he knows that his quirk is damaging him and that by over-using it, he is slowly killing himself, just as Shouto is pointing out in chapter 293 when he says "but you're burning up too" -

Dabi knows this. That's why he usually tends to end fights quickly because he doesn't have the stamina to drag fights out unnecessarily. So why does he do all of that if he is so aware of this?

The short answer: Because that's all he's got left.

Inside of him, there's still the little Touya that loves his father more than anything else and seeks his attention and approval. And Touya, who never did anything wrong, has always deserved to be loved unconditionally by his father. But instead, Endvr took everything away from Touya without allowing him to let go. Dabi's whole existence is a cry for help when no one would listen before and in addition, revenge for little Touya who didn't receive the love or help that he needed and asked for.

Bringing up his burns reminds him of everything he lost - the life he could have had that was taken away from him. It's a reminder that to the person he looked up to the most he's nothing but a failure. And even now he can't quite admit that he has a weakness and thus essentially give up. Even now he wants to impress his dad and prove him wrong.

So maybe his scars themselves aren't something he has a problem with; it's what they represent that still hurts him and will continue to hurt him until someone that isn't Touya (=Shouto) will fight for him and make sure he finally receives the help he needs.

[neeksnorton]

Abner Krill x Reader // Staring at the Stars

hi there! my second story is finally out : Quickie during a Mission. you guys voted for this one on my post asking about what you wanted for fanfic, and i have delivered. enjoy :DDD

WORD COUNT : 2.1K

NSFW WARNING : public sex, doggy style, multiple orgasms, secret relationship

You and the Suicide Squad successfully rescue Bloodsport, Peacemaker, and Rick Flag. Thank fuck. If any of them didn’t make it, you guys would be very, very dead. You look over at Abner and Cleo in relief. You let out a long sigh and walk back up to the bus.

You were so tired. Joining the Squad meant nonstop work. You needed a break. You rubbed your eyes and sat down outside of the bus as everyone regrouped.

As you hold your head between your curled up knees, you feel a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“Um… hey, Y/N. Are you gonna be okay?”

Ah shit. Abner must have noticed that the mission was taking a toll on you. You didn’t mind though.

“Ah, yeah. I just need to relax, Ab.”

You and Abner were close at the prison. Really close. You guys would often attempt to sneak away to private places and… talk. It was really all you could do without Waller beating your asses. You wanted him so bad and he knew it. You had both dirty talked to each other many times in prison, but you had to be quiet (once again at the expense of Waller.) You had to teach him how at first, but you didn’t mind. You thought it was cute, how you got to teach him how to do things like that.

You two had never had fully fledged sex, it was just too difficult. The power dampener that Abner had on his neck 24/7 made things impossible, not to mention his issues with his mom. You were able to work around it though. After years in prison with him, you had both come up with a method. Every time he touches you, he closes his eyes. He runs his hands across your face and body, and once he’s done, he opens his eyes and gets a much better picture of you. He doesn’t see his mom anymore with you.

He sees you as you. You guys had practiced that exercise for forever and he KNOWS you. And that makes you so incredibly happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The group sets up camp. The plan for tomorrow is to grab Harley, and then go to Jotunheim. Everyone piles into the bus, you being the last in line to get in. You don’t even know if you can sleep in here. Everyone being around you while you sleep is just so overwhelming.

You wait about 20 minutes for sleep to come, and it's just not happening.

“Ugh, fucking Jesus Christ,” you mutter to yourself as you stand up. You walk over the pile of bodies sleeping in the bus, being extra careful not to step on Flag’s head. You giggle to yourself. He’d fucking kill you.

You lay down sideways and shut your eyes. Fuck. This mission fucking sucks. You could lose people you care about. You resented that fact that you and Abner were on the same team, because that means there’s always a chance you could lose him. If Abner ever died, you would kill Waller on sight. Hell, you’d probably try to blow up Belle Reve if you could.

A hand gently touches your hip and you nearly jump out of your skin. You let out a shriek and scramble to sit up. Abner grabs your arms and attempts to console you.

“Hey! Hey! It’s just me. Shh, it’s just me, Y/N. Shit, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-” He pulls you into a hug and grabs the bag of your head while he rubs your back. You feel your stress slowly but surely melt away. You thought you were about to get fucking kidnapped.

“Damn you! You scared the shit out of me, Ab!”

“I know, I know. I’m so sorry, I just wanted to lay with you. I should’ve said something.”

“I know you’re sorry. It’s okay, I don’t mean to sound pissed at you.”

You take a deep breath. This isn’t worth getting mad about. It’s Abner. He cares about you. He would never do anything to purposefully hurt you, even if he tried.

You snuggle into his chest. He’s wearing a white long-sleeve shirt, with his regular polka-dot pants. He’s breathing heavily. He probably got up to expel his dots, and noticed you were out here.

You push into him a little more and he lays down. You lay almost on top of him, your head snuggling into the curve of his neck. It felt so good. This was hard to do in the prison, it was probably so relieving for him to be able to lay down without the power dampener. You feel your core tighten a little. You’re nervous, and you know you shouldn’t try doing something during admission. But you don’t care. Flag was sleeping, you guys should be fine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You move your head up from out of his neck and plant a long kiss on his lips. You lay your hand on his chest, and his hand moves to your waist. You and Abner slowly make out. It feels wonderful. You’ve been waiting for this moment ever since you two started talking in Belle Reve. What’s nice is that you don’t have to hide it anymore. You had to shy away from cameras and other prisoners. And Abner was always a little awkward trying to hide it, but you didn’t mind one bit.

You lift your leg up a little and position yourself so that you’re laying sideways next to him, leg propped up on his while he lays flat on his back. You slowly roll your hips onto his leg, desperate for just a little bit of friction on your aching clit.

You let out a little whimper, and Abner grips your waist and pulls you closer. Your hand moves to his thigh, and you move your hand upwards while the other hand stays on his chest. Your hand reaches his bulge, and he’s VERY hard. You definitely weren’t expecting him to be as hard as he was, and so quickly too. He lets a few soft moans into your mouth as you run your hand up and down his girth.

“Ahh, Y/N- unhh…” he whimpers. You remove your hand as he sits up and scoots you underneath him, making sure that your lips are still locked. He puts one leg in between yours, and one leg on the outside. He uses his right hand to grab both of your hands. He lifts them up above your head, and you are completely at his mercy.

Holy shit. Seeing him like this nearly makes you cum on the spot. His slightly defined arm holding your hands above your head. It drives you fucking nuts.

He scoots his leg farther in between your legs, and you slide your hips up and down his thigh. You already start to feel your stomach tighten. You want to touch him, but with your hands above you, all you can do is sit there and moan like a desperate slut.

“Um.. you’re looking pretty desperate, huh?” He says to you a little awkwardly. You giggle.

“Yes mmnh- please Ab, I need you,” you groan to him. You squirm around desperately to get at least one hand free so you can touch him. He uses his free hand to grab at the bottom of your shirt. His hand pulls your shirt up past your chest, and your boobs bounce free. You inhale sharply. Abner leans down and grabs your breast, and latches his mouth onto your nipple. He runs circles around your nipples with his tongue. The moans you let out are nearly pornographic. It feels so good. Each time his tongue brushes your nipples, it sends shockwaves to your clit.

“Anhh, oh my god, Ab please, I’m gonna c- ahh-” You feel your orgasm creep up and crash over you, your muscles tensing and relaxing. Abner lets one of your hands go, and you shoot your hand down to the back of his neck for leverage, holding his head while he sucks at your nipple.

He slows down his pace on your breast, and you sigh heavily. He lets your boob go and gently grabs your face. He gives you a long passionate kiss, and you slide your tongue in his mouth. You’re so happy he lets you cum first. And even though you just came, you wouldn’t mind if you guys kept going.

“Ab, can we keep going? I know I just came, but I just know we’ve never had sex before and I-”

“Of course, Y/N. Whatever you want to do is uhh- fine by me.” He awkwardly chuckles.

“Okay umm… can we try doing doggystyle? I know it might be a lot for you, considering we’ve never done anything, but -”

“Shh, it’s okay, Y/N. I don’t mind. We can try it. Just remember to be careful with how loud you are. I was nervous that we were gonna get caught earlier.”

You blush in embarrassment. You didn’t realize how loud you were being at all. Ah shit. No matter. You could ignore the aching in your pants again.

Abner lets your other hand go and you roll over onto your stomach. You prop your ass up in the hair. You hear him unzip his pants and pull them down just past his dick. He still has his shirt on though, probably out of fear of getting caught. He’d like to keep some piece of clothing on, god forbid Flag sees them. He grabs your pants by the side of your hips and pulls them down just past your ass. Probably for the same reason. You would love it if he could see you fully naked, but right here -RIGHT outside the bus - probably not a good idea.

You raise your eyebrows, already feeling his tip run through your folds. You didn’t know he was this eager to get going. Damn.

“Oh, shit-” He says under his breath. Seeing you bare ass at your pussy at this angle was enough to make him cum without even touching himself. He slides himself into you slowly, pushing just his head in at first, and then sliding all the way in. He lets out a loud shaky moan, and you gasp in shock. He’s bigger than you imagined. The feeling of him completely inside you has you feeling ecstatic.

His pace starts slow, but he finds a rhythm and starts to speed up. The sound of him pushing into you and your skin slapping together is euphoric. His hands roam around your ass, and eventually settle at the crease of your torso and hips. Every time he enters you, he pulls you onto him. His grip increased, his fingernails digging into your sides.

“Holy shit, oh my god, ahh- uhh… oh man…” he's saying to himself.

“Abner, please don’t stop. Ab, please, ahh, give it to me-” You say back. Every single time he's hitting your G-spot, and you already feel your core tightening once more. You feel your juices drip down your leg. Fuck.

You try to look back at him, and from what you can see, he is so fucking hot. His eyes are closed, his jet black hair is slightly pushed back, and there’s a slight sheen of sweat on his face. He’s moaning pornographically. You notice that under his shirt, he has a happy trail leading down to his dick, and it’s so incredibly hot. His jaw muscles are clenching, and he’s licking his lips. He must be close to cumming.

“Y/N, I’m close. I’m really really close.” He says in between shaky moans.

“Me too, Ab, please keep going, ahh- unh-”

His hips spasm as he cums into you. You feel him shoot his cum into you, and that's enough to send you over the edge. Your muscles grip his dick over and over as your orgasm hits you like a truck. You struggle to keep your ass up in the air, and you slowly fall to the ground. Abner pulls out of you, and you wince at the sudden loss of him inside you. You roll over onto the grass, and shimmy your pants back up. Abner does the same for himself, and then falls and lays beside you.

You are both breathing heavily, trying to comprehend what just happened. You two just had sex. After years and years of not being able to, you finally did.

He grabs your hand gently, wrapping his long, slender fingers around your small hand.

You look over at him and laugh. You can’t believe it. He is yours. And you are his. He looks back at you, giving you his awkward little smile that you love so dearly.

“I want you to know how much I love you, even though sometimes I don't know how to show it.” He whispers to you.

“Abner, don’t worry. I know.” You say back.

You both turn your head and look up at the night sky.

You were happy, floating, staring at the stars.