#so kinda poetic of him to word it 'no matter what i did to prove you my love' like ok shakespeare! break my heart king!

[vanityangel]

Acknowledge me. Love me.

[parksseonghwas]

espresso martinis and red hair.

∘₊✧──────✧���∘

part one!

a/n: there is some wording that, now that i read it, implies???? seonghwa drugged the reader.

i promise he did not!!! for those who aren’t very knowledgable in drink/alcoholic beverages, vodka is a really strong alcohol no matter what it’s mixed with (oftentimes it’s >=30% alcohol) so if the reader has a particularly weak alcohol tolerance it won’t take much vodka to make them very drunk!

that’s how i’ve intended for it to be written! this kinda turned into seongsang x reader sorry :\

another point is that the alcohol names? they’re from irish pubs or bars haha, i’m irish and yeah,,, please don’t joke about the stereotypes

i’m so sorry to the requests i put off to write this

ೃ❅,. ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ┊͙ w/c: 2,316

—

park seonghwa was skilled at his job. he grabbed the bottle of kahlua—topped by a speed pourer, of course—with his index and middle finger, flipped it to pour the intoxicating liquid into a metal, double-sided cocktail measure, which would soon flip into a shaker made from the same material. alongside other ingredients, he threw in vodka, espresso, and a handful of ice. the top was shoved onto the container, slapped, and there was a rough shaking sound emitting from the metal as he wasted no time with theatrics or shoddy cocktail shaking. his movements were oddly poetic though.

once he was satisfied with the amount of condensation gathering on the metal, he slowed his rigorous motions and his hand smacked the side of the cups, loosening the top and setting it aside to be washed. he disappeared for a moment to grab glasses that steamed and were surrounded by cold smoke, having been in the refrigerator. a strainer came into view, and the deceivingly shallow glasses were filled with what was known to many as an espresso martini. seonghwa delicately placed two coffee beans in the centre of the drink, and the display was complete.

you didn’t order this. you were about to order, but your ever-so-knowledgable friend told you that “seonghwa makes a drink that he knows you won’t be able to resist”, but... an espresso martini? one of the most basic cocktails? there would have to be a fucking bunny rabbit appearing from the glass for you to be impressed or found to be unable to resist it.

your mouth opened to make a snarky comment, but the bartender’s eyebrow raised in a “you dare to challenge my intuition?” manner, and you found yourself sheepishly accepting the drink. the knowledge that he made you weak would later make seonghwa’s ego inflate like a damn balloon.

the man was all chains, piercings, and cockiness. the bar was a small joint, cosy, but not too comfortable. dimly lit, not dark. it felt shady, but homely. he was free of customers after he made your drink so he danced to the beat of the music pulsating through the speakers, hips swaying and his body completely under his command. his dyed red hair fell over his eye as he watched you take the first sip. a smirk grew on his face as he saw the look of surprise, confusion, and awe overtake your features.

another point to hwa, he laughed internally. really, he’d lost score of how many customers he pleased.

“okay, what the fuck did you do to this drink? why does the martini taste so good?” the snappy words were in the open before you had a chance to filter them, and the previous cheeky smirk was replaced with a laugh and a warm smile. he guessed the reaction, he’s used to it.

the last thing you remember him saying is, “a magician never reveals his secrets.”

NIGHT TWO

the next morning you woke up alone, thankfully. nonetheless, his words echoed in your head, no matter how loud your music blared and wrecked your head. the crimson red colour of his hair would come to your memory every so often, and you hated that he had such a magnetic presence. if you weren’t so hungover, you would have considered going for a second round of drinks with your friend. you guessed he used a higher quality vodka, or a better coffee liqueur because damn just a couple of those martinis made you paralytic.

to your dismay, a magician would never reveal his secrets.

the sound of ice and alcohol mixing in the shaker. the almost kaleidoscopic vision of his hands gripping the metal. the scent of intoxication with a faint coffee undertone in the air. the taste of pure heaven on your tongue as a new style of a basic drink flowed from the opening of your lips right down the back of your throat.

fuck seonghwa.

fuck seonghwa!

his cocky attitude, the smile on his lips once he noticed that his prediction was correct. you could kill him, really. you could kill your dear friend too, she probably told him about the drink, the fucker.

your mind was made up. when the bastard hangover shifted, you made your way to your wardrobe. not long afterwards you were dressed up, not to the nines or anything fancy. it was a bar, not a nightclub or an upscale restaurant. you were trying to prove a point to a skilled bartender who just happened to put a satisfying spin on a drink you hadn’t tasted in months.

high heels emitted a muted clack against a sticky floor, a constant reminder that the owner of the bar probably didn’t give a fuck who dropped their drinks. similar music blurred into the background, the bass vibrating below the soles of your feet as you made your way to the remaining empty barstool.

a cloth squeaked and twisted against a glass as seonghwa cleaned the remnants of beer from it. he wore a white and red patterned shirt, the sleeves rolled and crunched at his elbows. his forearms tensed and flexed as he cleaned, his voice low and smooth as he converses with his fellow bartender, who you knew—or rather... your friend knew—as hongjoong.

the pair discussed whatever topic came to mind, and they seemed comfortable with each other. the elder of the two lifted his head as though he sensed your presence, and swivelled on his heels to face you with a devilish smile. hongjoong simply went to serve another over-eager customer who was practically begging to be slapped.

“espresso martini girl. i’ll assume you’re wanting the same drink again?” a barely there glint in his eye meant that he was enjoying this, revelling in the thrill he got from knowing you were getting more and more flustered.

“i’ll have you know i do have a name.” the words came out sharp, snappy, snarky. you hated that he brought out this nature in you, but you really couldn’t help it. his playful attitude combined with his stunning looks was an equation that equalled you being an internal mess.

a mirthless laugh filled the short space of air between you and the mixologist. either he was impressed by the balls you thought you had to speak to him in such a manner, or he was pissed off. the second option sounded rather terrifying, though.

“i know your name. you were wasted last night and shouting it at the top of your lungs while you ordered rounds for the whole bar.“ the sharp clunky against the bar signalled that seonghwa was satisfied with how clean the glass was.

a flash of a memory came at his description of the night previous.

a loud cheer resounded from your lips as your friend tried to quieten you down, and you mimicked her shushing action overdramatically. “a round of shots for everyone in the bar!” you cried out, brandishing your empty shot glass in the air. seonghwa himself suggested that shots may be a better option since the martinis were loaded with vodka.

“really, i think you were lucky i knew you were fucking wasted and didn’t mean a word of it.” he pulled out a footed pilsner glass, tilted it, and pulled the lever on the coors light tap, then poured the drink with an expert hand. with little foam gathering at the top, seonghwa gave the drink to an older man who seemed knowledgeable in his alcohol taste; judging from the cold glass of coors light sitting in front of him, you knew different.

your eyes rolled instinctively, and your blood boiled with the knowledge that he was right. or... was your blood boiling because you were too hot in the small bar? you weren’t wearing heavy layers or large coats, so what was the explanation for the amount of heat rushing through every inch of your skin?

“fuck you, i wasn’t wasted!” you retorted weakly. both of you knew it was false though.

“wasted or not, did i get your order right last night?“ he leaned over, arms crossed and propping him up just mere centimetres from

you. the scent of various drinks cling to him like a newfound lifeline, and inhaling felt like taking a new drug.

“no, i drink cosmopolitans. but it was a nice shake-up, if you’ll excuse the pun.” cheeky smiles warped your features, knowing you had outsmarted the apparently all-knowing bartender. you watched his own expression contort into one of confusion.

how did he get it wrong? how did he manage to fuck up the one thing he thought set him apart from other mixologists and bartenders? he’ll admit that the pun was mildly amusing. however, if it was to be paired with the fact that he messed up that badly? he was never going to forget it.

you were never going to let him live it down either, and the hours of relentless teasing made the minutes slip away into nothing. you didn’t even feel the time pass, or maybe that’s because he made you a couple more martinis, and you were tipsy once again.

though... you couldn’t really tell if it was the alcohol or his presence that was intoxicating you. maybe it was a mixture of both.

before long, hongjoong was gone and replaced with a completely different presence. the new worker was threatening, yet he seemed comforting. sharply contrasted hair, large numbers of piercings, dark makeup and outfits made him seem... too scary. he smiled at his coworker, seonghwa, and his lips curled to reveal a smiley piercing, almost complementary to the bar that ran through seonghwas bottom lip.

“yeosang, you look like a fucking ghoul mask with that makeup.” seonghwa laughed, a smooth sound you had become all too accustomed to.

imagine hearing it when he’s teasing you relentlessly in bed.

woah. where did that thought come from? you screwed your eyes shut and your hand came too sharp to your forehead with an unflattering smack. maybe it triggered more lewd thoughts, but you’d never tell them to the stranger across from the bar, especially when you weren’t totally sober.

pulled by an invisible thread, yeosang took seonghwa’s place in your line of sight. he got to be centimetres away from your face, and he was almost mocking you. you were tipsy from little to nothing. hell, you even asked seonghwa to “slow it down!” when he was pouring the cîroc. you knew your shit, that was 40% alcohol and 100% a bad decision if you weren’t intending on getting wasted.

he picked up a glass and poured water into it, pushing it back across the bar to you, “i think we can safely cut you off there, hm?” he teased, knowing full well he had no control over how much a customer can drink. still, the gesture sent a fluttering feeling to your chest. he was all piercings and hard exterior, but god he seemed soft.

the aftercare must be godly if he’s like this when you’re sober.

maybe you need to get away from the bar. the bartenders being pretty and your mind being intoxicated was doing nothing to stop any new thoughts from flooding in unwarned and unannounced. yet, the horror on your face after four futile attempts at turning on your phone alerted yeosang that something wasn’t right.

“what’s happened? you look worried.” his features warped and his previously stone cold expression changed into one of pure concern. you laughed mirthlessly, and you watched as the mixologist tilted his head in confusion. what was so funny to you?

“my phones dead. i was about to call a taxi and get out of here but my phone battery clearly had other plans.” your elbows came to rest on the surface of the bar, your chin in your palms and your head shaking in pure disbelief. this night was fantastic, you were bantering with the pretty bartender who blew your mind, and now there’s another equally pretty bartender pitying you as you lamented the loss of your one connection to a way home.

“what phone do you have? one of us might have a charger we can lend you.” after he finished speaking, one of your hands went into your jacket pocket and feebly threw the phone on the bar. yeosang inspected it under the lights—or lack thereof—and huffed out a breath of air in exasperation, “fuck. not the same charger we have, sorry.”

you raised your eyebrows with a flat expression, unfazed by the unfortunate news.

“we don’t have a freephone yet, so is there anything i can do?”

“unless you can personally drive me home, there’s not much you can do.”

maybe yeosang would regret his next words, maybe he wouldn’t. he didn’t really know because he was so used to being teasing and relentless in his mocking ways. if he was to wreck his image over a cute bar-goer, so be it!

“well... where do you live?”

[shozaii]

Hii! How are you? Hope you're okay! I love your writing so much like this is exactly what I downloaded tumblr for🥺🥺 Can I please request and imagine with shoto whose love interest would always reject people who confess to them because they would think they're lying (bc they've gone through a traumatic episode, maybe?) and shoto does his best to prove them wrong? 👉👈 Maybe it's kinda weird but that just happened to me and I thought why not, haha! Thank you very much and wish you a good day!♡♡

(a/n): hellooo!! this took me a while i’m so sorry😭 and no it isn’t weird at all! this has happened to me as well and i do understand your feelings🥺 wishing you a good day too!❤️

masterlist

————————————

breathe.

a todoroki shoto x reader imagine.

another day, another denial.

you waved them off, and you walked your way, not wanting to utter another word. it wasn’t meant to be hurting them, right?

it wasn’t like shoto hasn’t noticed at all. he has witnessed it first hand lots of times. when you both are sitting together, you find someone calling out to you. you were hoping for it to be a call for help on a subject, or some books to carry, or some money because they were out of it and they desperately needed some to which you will gladly offer.

no, it was all the same thing.

“i like you.”

“please go out with me, y/n!”

“my feelings for you are a little too strong and i just-,”

you had to cut them all out. and when you do return to your seat, shoto looks on, not wanting to directly ask you. it would be rude.

but when you do look at him, he’s bewildered.

your eyes looked a little red. were you crying? well, definite explanation. knowing you, it would be a brush off of ‘no sleep’ or something.

“you can’t just tell me the same thing, y/n. you were alright this whole time. then again, i’m not saying you’re lying.”

he would be silent after, respecting your silence together. 

***

shoto was there for you when you needed him the most.from the darkest parts of your life, to your life accomplishments, to your quirk developments. you had to admit; he was a great listener, too. 

in fact, he was the first one to catch you wiping your tears from your already bloodshot eyes.  

“y/n.”

he didn’t know exactly what he should do. be direct? beat around the bush? not ask you at all? last choice is pretty inconsiderate, so he’s just going to have to wait it out, until you’re comfortable.

none of your classmates has ever seen you crying - only him. this felt like the biggest step in the bond he shared with you; which was why he wanted to do his best for you.

“hey sh- todoroki,” you hiccuped. it had been your little habit to call him by his first name, considering your friendship since the beginning of your school days.

“shoto,” he said.

“huh?”

“you heard me, y/n. i can wait if you do want to talk about it. then again, it’s fine if you don’t want to.”

“ah, well.” you felt your eyes threatening you to release a new set of tears down your cheeks.

“we broke up.”  and as you said that, all the haunting memories of the two of you came flashing back into your head. from the things they’ve done, to how much you fought back - terrible, horrid ones.

he placed a hand on your shoulder. “breathe, y/n.”

you did as he told, taking in deep breaths. you folded your arms around you chest, sighing. “it was definitely for the best but...but i just can’t seem to get it off my mind. it scares me every single time, and i’m worried that the same thing might happen again and i-,”

“okay, alright. i heard you loud and clear. look at me.

they’re gone from your life. no more. not a single cent worthy any longer. all that matters right now is for you to forget. it’s totally fine if you can’t forgive - if i were you i would never. but moving on doesn’t just happen right now. time is precious, and you have to use that to get along with the subject we call life.”

“i just don’t know how i’m going to have a crush on anyone, or moreover fall in love with anybody.”

“and that, y/n, is never a sin. from what i’ve learnt,falling in love is a process. learning about them is a move. talking to them is a new part of life you’re beginning to share with them. being with them is a whole new world of fantasies and euphoria. but most importantly - the right one is destiny’s very own gift to you - congratulating you for growing from the pains you have suffered.”

“shoto. you are amazingly poetic.”

“well, did i make myself clear?”:

how could you ever say no? this opened new doors. this pulled you up from your current position your soul was in - crouched in a corner with the same nightmares that surrounded you. this lifted the tremendous weight off your shoulders.

“has anyone ever asked you for advice, shoto?”

“i guess midoriya has...? but y/n, i hope i wasn’t offending you or anything-,”

“what? no way. thank you so much.”

he gave you a small smile, sealing the conversation off right at that moment.

***

why exactly were you trying to reject so many people from actually wanting to go out with you, date you, be in a relationship with you, even?

“wanna know why, shoto?” you looked at him.

“of course,” he said, his eyes eager to know.

“falling in love. learning about them. talking to them and finally being with them. these things made me say no. they may have done that - have i even tried to be with them, perhaps?”

he paused, looking at you with eyes wide open. his heart jumped with joy.

so someone did listen, he thought.

“besides, i don’t know if this is true. but i’m starting to learn about someone new already.”

“ah,” but his heart dropped when he heard those words. “i hope you don’t mind me asking who may that person be?”

“he’s pretty poetic, if you ask me. he proved me wrong in so many ways.”

then and there, he knew he had achieved more than just learning about you - moreover letting you out of your fallen paths.

————————————

(a/n): woooo this was a pretty big moment for me! to anyone out there who is actually going through the same thing; i hope you have found your path in moving forward to some place better. it takes time, i promise.✨

KDJKDKD I HOPE THIS WAS GOOD THO-

[donquixotehomura]

Endeavor x Reader All Is Fair In Love And War

This fic includes a hell of a bad writing shit show so sorry for the bad writing that you have to go through, I can't stand my own writing lmao, Endeavor is kinda OOC I think.. Idk, I get stupidly poetic at some points and I have weird wordings for some things, Hella long and boring, This is a fucking K-Drama

Bruh like I had about a month to write this but I procrastinated till the last day having only a starter with 2.5K words and wrote the rest in one day, a total of 11K... Bruuuuh if anybody reads this I'm sorry for your time and the cancer.

TW: yandere themes, blood, gore, descriptive violence, toxic relationships, heartbreak, death, offensive language, cursing, just a lot of bad triggering stuff, mentions of suicide, name calling.

This is during the Endeavor redemption Arc about two weeks before Endeavor VS HighEnd/Hood after that Manga spoilers start.. If you get to that point tho, you're close to the end congrats you made it.

Reader is an independent person with a strong personality, she's  strong willed and arrogant, you can say she's a more mature Bakugou with common sense lmao

This Will Contain Manga Spoilers

You yawned in boredom trying to stay awake, your eyes briefly glancing at the person who's currently speaking to all the pro heroes sitting in the room, hero commission meetings weren't only boring, they were also a waste of time you could've been patrolling and stopping villains saving civilians, but no you had to go to a different city for the meeting 'didn't these old hags and geezers hear of online meetings? We could've saved a lot of time if we didn't have to come here, what is this the 21st century?' you thought as your eyes drifted towards him, the guy who easily made your cold heart beat erratically.

Endeavor sat there not showing any emotion other than his normal intimidating expression his presence was impossible to ignore with his aura and signature flames, you could tell he didn't want to be here either but he did his hero work dutifully, your eyes trailed over his strong arms that were crossed over his chest, what made it even harder to look away was the fact that he was wearing a suit which is a rare occasion but the meeting was formal, the fabric strained to stay intact, you felt that of he flexed or took too deep of a breath the fabric would just tear apart and the buttons would go flying off, you kinda wished this would happen as you let your thoughts wonder.

How it'd feel to have those hands caress your body, to hold you tightly as he lifts you up supporting your weight, how his musculare arms would be wrapped around you as you ran your hands all over his musculare chest, you let your thoughts wonder as your eyes drank him in basically undressing him, you craved him, everything about him, not just his body, his mind, his soul, his heart, his love, you internally sighed, it's not like you both had any chance of that anyway, you snapped out of your trance feeling someone's eyes on you, looking up you realized it was Endeavor himself who was staring at you, you knew you were caught red handed and there was no getting out of it so you went with it and just smirked at him, sending a small wave.

You weren't a shy or meek person at all, you don't easily back down and your arrogance often put you in bad situations, like this one right now were your having a staring competition with Endeavor, a few silent words being sent between you both including him telling you to stop eyeing him up and focus on the meeting and you refusing and questioning why he's staring at you, your silent conversation would have went on if Aizawa didn't nudge you telling you to focus hey gave him a glare "don't tell me what to do" you growled and he just ignored you, looking back at Endeavor he was focused on the meeting again.

You sighed and put your attention back on the speaker but your attention wasn't at him, you started thinking about Endeavor and yourself, your memories together, even tho that was a distant memory.

Flashback

You panted running as fast as you could, the sun was blazing down on you with no mercy, you were sweaty and tired after an hour of this 'dammit dammit this is bad this is such a pain in the ass' "(y/n)! It's over you know!" you heard him call out behind you and started willing your body to run faster, you were almost there, just gotta- your eyes widened as he ran past you at an inhuman speed at this point "dammit! Oi get back here!" you yelled after him as he ran past the line and stopped, he stood there arms crossed staring at you triumphantly as you passed the line and put your hands on your knees panting, you looked up at him and stood up straight, he was panting and sweating as well, him having more stamina than you definitely proved to be useful in this situation "I win" he said smugly and you weakly glared at him half heartedly "damn you, how the hell do you have so much energy after all this training? It's so fucking hot!" he chuckled "I'm used to the heat little vixen" he smirked and you huffed "right right, so what should we do now?the rest of the class is still way in the back" you said straightening up as he smirked helping you and lead you to the benches "let's wait for them here it'll take them along time before they catch up to us" "true, we are the strongest in the class after all"

(character introduction by Mic)

Todoroki Enji Quirk:Hell Flame, he can create fire out of nothing and manipulate it to his will, it's useful in long ranged to short ranged attacks, while it's a very versatile quirk it has some dangerous drawbacks such as hyperthermia and burning the user. (we know the details ya'll.. Hehe... We're all Endeavor bitches here.... At least I know I am)

(L/N) (Y/N) Quirk:Demon Queen, she can transform into demon like creatures fully or partially (think Mirajane from FT... Even she has nothing to do with me coming up with this quirk) the demon form boosts her durability, strength and speed, she can also create shadow like substance that comes from her skin (this one is heavily influenced by venom yet I had the idea for a longer time and it worked in a different way), while the demon form is close ranged and strong in combat the shadow is long ranged and more versatile and can be used for sneak attacks, it is however weak against fire types which makes for a very interesting combat against Todoroki Enji.... Oi Shut it!.... Oh yeah she is also very hostile!... OI!, she also has phschokinesis and Telepathy

(I tried leaving the quirk blank as I hate it when authors apecify the quirk but I had to when I needed certain abilities for some parts... Sorry guys)

Enji chuckled "indeed" he sighed and looked at you as you threw aside your gym jacket remaining in your sports bra and gulped down some cold refreshing water "damn, sensei is really making us go through hell and back recently" you said stretching "well we're in UA after all, they're teaching us everything important" Enji said as he followed your every move, glancing at him you smirked "like what you see Enji?" he blushed slightly and got closer to you "so? What if I do? Can't I admire my beautiful girlfriend?" he said pulling you into his chest, while you both were sweaty it didn't matter to you, you smiled at him and pecked his lips (you're kinda tall ok, I assume he was shorter than this in high school) "oh I don't mind at all, as long as I get to admire my handsome boyfriend in return" exchanging a few kisses both of you were even more breathless now, just as it was getting more heated the idiots (your classmates) started arriving at the finish line, annoyed, both of you parted and glared at your classmates, while they were non the wiser as to why they were being glared at by the two most terrifying and powerful students in all three years of UA classes, they were deeply terrified and avoided you both in favor of keeping their lives.

"aright class that's it for today, as always Todoroki and (L/N) are ahead while-" you didn't really listen to the teacher talk and looked at Enji "so where should we go tonight? I wanna have some us time before the exams, we'll both be busy, especially that our agency has weird ass timings for summoning us" you said sighing "well there's a festival and it'll start tonight, maybe we can go I know you like those things, even tho they're filled with people" he said, you hummed thoughtfully then smirked at him "you mean I'll get to see you in a Yukata? I'm definitely in" he grumbled and sighed "yeah yeah, very funny, I don't get what you like about me in Yukatas anyway I look ridiculous" you chuckled "actually I love seeing you in a yukata you look very hot in them" he glared at you unamused "very funny (Y/N) very funny, you do know you'll have to wear a kimono as well right" he smirled as your expression turned into a mortified one "hell no" "its tradition my dear you'll have to wear it" you sighed hanging your head down, as the teacher dismissed the class "fine" you grumbled annoyed making him laugh in amusment " so cute I'll see you at the gates"  he said and walked towards the boys showers "OI who are you calling cute pyro? I'll kill you!" you yelled after him and he only chuckled in amusment at your outburst "I swear to God that jerk has a death wish" you grumbled heading into the girl's showers, meanwhile the entire class stood there watching the same thing that happens everyday that they should be used to it by now but every time they all gawk at your interactions like people would at a very unnatural show at the circus "guys... What kinda relationship do these two have? Are they supposed to be lovers?" one guy asked bewildered "I mean... I think? They're both demons all the time so I think this is demon love?" said one of the girls "this is so odd... They interact like they want to rip each other's throat out" said another girl "I'm too tired for this man, let's just go change and leave, I'd like to go to my very easily understandable life at home for toady" said one guy and everyone else agreed as the crowd left.

They have the right to think that your relationship is wrong and very odd, after all neither of you would show their true self in front of them, your affection and love is saved for behind closed doors, both of you are too proud and care about your tough image to show affection infornt of others.

These were the good times, neither of you knew what was coming your way, and how it'd shatter your relationship

That night both of you showered and showered and got dressed as you were doing your makeup you felt arms wrap around you "hey there" you said looking at your boyfriend in the reflection of the mirror "hey my love" he said making you blush and he chuckled at you "you done yet?" "nope, still have to do my hair" you said while putting on your eyeshadow, he humed and grabbed your brush and started styling your hair "hey... What are you-" you went to object by he stopped you "helping, I'll do your hair while you do your makeup, we'll be done faster" he said and you sighed "fine, just don't make me mess up" he hummed not answering and continued styling your hair, somehow you both worked in harmony and easily.

A little after you put the last touches on your makeup he was done putting up your hair and put a golden hair pin in it, one that you haven't seen before, you looked at your hair and at the pin fascinated by it "wow, this is... Really beautiful" you stood from your chair and turned around looking at him with a smile as he blushed lightly "I saw it and thought of you so I got it" he avoided looking at you in the eye you went up to him and kissed him gently "thanks love, I love it" he smiled pulling you in a hug, as you helped him with his Obi (the belt) he looked at you with such admiring look "what?" you asked feeling nervous from the staring "nothing, nothing at all just watching my hell queen" he smirked at you and you hid your face embarrassed 'damn him, knowing how to fluster me' "sh.. Shut up" he laughed pulling you to his chest as you both stared at each other's eyes exchanged a few kisses (your lipstick has sealing agent OK? OK).

A couple minutes later you parted, putting the last few touches you grabbed your stuff, phones, keys, wallets and went to the festival, throwing comments at each other like always, arriving at the festival you looked around watching all the stalls and couples and friends going around, it was too crowded which was a pain in the ass for the both of you, but you decided to ignore them and went around, gokmg around, trying foods, sweets and playing games, you getting extremely pissed at some people here and there, a lady in particular who was sticking her nose in your business "you know for a lady, you sure do have a filthy mouth" Enji said smirking "shut it ashes! She pissed me off" you said still angry "I don't mind, you're cute when you're angry my vixen" he said smirking making you blush and narrow your eyes at him "Todoroki Enji if you fear for your life you better stop fucking calling me cute" you said glaring at him, he put his hand on your head patting it slightly "there there, don't be like that I was just joking" you pushed his hand away and huffed, "you're on thin ice Endeavor" you said "is that so (H/N)? Well I better be careful then" he said pulling you to him, he was really warm "yeah you better" you said calming down and getting lost in his eyes as he leaned down kissing you.

Both of you slipped away to an abandoned side of the festival to.. Uhh... Stargaze yeah that... Nah ya'll did the horizontal tango.. Except it was vertical, as he held you up, your back on a tree for support. (I suck at writing smut.. Go to the festival smut Enji fic, I don't remember what the exact name was but the content is, you and Endeavor are dating, go to the festival, then hookup on a tree cause you ain't wearing panties, you aren't wearing them here either)

The festival went well You both had fun and teased each other competing over who's best at winning games and ended up going home with a lot of prizes.

Good memories are the best you can always look back at them and smile, but if you've lost the person you made the memories with, then they just become a painful slow poison that flows through you, slowly killing you.

It was during your work studies as third years when it started, you both went to the same agency, while the pro you went to was the top, he wasn't exactly a good person, extremely misogynistic bastard, who's ego is too fragile to admit a woman can be strong, which is why he despised you, like a snake he kept poisoning your boyfriend, filling his head with what he knew would get to him, tricking him into thinking you're using him, that he's getting weak cause he depends on you to have his back while fighting, like a devil on his shoulder he keeps telling him more and more lies, he made sure his plans are effective by firing you from his agency so now, student you had to find herself another agency, every agency in the same area accepted you by looking at your records, yet once they saw the name you were denied, you didn't understand why and remained without an agency for weeks which was bad for a third year, you found out that it was because of him he either bribed or scared all the so called pros from taking you, till one who didn't give a shit about him accepted you, the problem was, that you were four cities apart from Enji, which put the long distance strain on your already strained relationship.

It was a sunny day, unlike the cliché it was dark and stormy and raining, you both met after a long time apart, and while your convo started calmly, it quickly escalated to a full blown fight.

"YOU LEFT ME! YOU DECIDED TO GET AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS YOU CAN! FOUR CITIES? WHAT THE NEARBY CITIES RAN OUT OF HEROES?" an infuriated Enji yelled at you, with the distance and how grueling the work was, you two didn't have anytime to meet at all, "Enji calm down for fucks sake! Allow me to explain I didn't have the time-" he interrupted you furiously "didn't have the time? What you're done using me? After everything! After everything that happened, how I trusted you, how I confided in you, how I always fucking ran to you when I needed someone! You don't even call anymore either! Not even a phone call, What you're bored of me now? You found someone else? Of course you did! You can't keep your legs closed you slut" you slapped him hard your hand hurt but it didn't matter, your heart hurt worse.

If only he listened, he'd have known it wasn't your choice to go so far.

"how dare you! How dare you accuse me of cheating you asshole! I'm always loyal to you because for some fucking reason I'm in love with you! You think I didn't try to be around you more? You think I didn't deprive myself of sleep for days just to take extra shifts and have the time to come back here for you? How can you claim to love me if you won't trust me? Did you forget what we went through together? How I always stood by your side nomatter what? You're a selfish greedy bastard who's only capable of loving himself!" you yelled angrily at him.

If only you knew, if only you knew, that this isn't his thoughts that this isn't his opinion.

Both of you not backing down both of you boiling with rage that's going to burn down your relationship like his beautiful quirk, that you loved so much and thought fit him so much, with his attitude and how he's always going forward like an out of control fire, he always seemed like a God of the sun to you, now his quirk was making him into Hades himself, king of hell and death, the one who shall drag you to hell to torment you for your sin of loving him.

"you're so fucking bold pretending to be a Saint! You're a manipulative bitch, You think you can just walk all over me woman? You're beneath me! There's no reason for me to stay with someone like you, who's going to set me back I don't love you this was all a mistake! An illusion I've lived in for so long" your anger disintegrated morphing into heartbreak and sadness, you two fought a lot, and while calling you a cheater and a slut hurt, you still had your love, you would forgive him like you always did, and likewise he'd forgive you like he always did nomatter how bad you both went against each other yes it was toxic, but both of you were broken, and this is how you functioned... But saying he doesn't love you is what actually broke you, what cemented this argument as the worst of your relationship, the end of it.

He seemed to realize what he said albeit too late, still arrogant you refused to cry in front of him "I hate you! We're over Todoroki! I wish I never knew you! I despise the day we met! I curse the day we became friends, you can go to hell!" and still arrogant Todoroki didn't try to take back what he said, and refused to show his hurt over you saying how you hated him and his existence, how this brought back some unwanted memories." great! Then We're over! Thank God" he yelled and marched past you.

Both of you broken, both of you saying things you shouldn't have said 'please comeback! I love you! I forgive you' you internally cried clutching your heart.

'just turn around, fucking turn around, go back to her she's your safety, go back to your angel.. You stubborn arrogant bastard!' Enji scolded himself, looking back he saw you walking away, head hung low, he knew he hurt you, as he willed his body to follow you, reaching out a hand he almost called out for you 'she makes you weak' he heard the pros voice in his head 'she's going to drag you down' 'she's using you' and although he knew non of this was true, he didn't call out for her, he turned around and continued walking, having the same internal fight with himself.

'comeback to me please! My sun!' turning around you looked at his retreating figure willing to calm out for him, yet to stubborn and too hurt to let word out, seeing him still walking away with such anger and intensity in his posture and such determination, determination to what? 'to get away from me? He's that eager?' your tears fell as the pain inside you grew, turning around you ran away, away from him, away from his pain, from his burning love that always felt welcoming now feeling scorching hot like it'll burn you to ashes.

Five seconds

Five seconds, was the difference between them, if he looked at her retreating form for five more seconds he'd have seen her turn around with a broken and longing, loving look.

Five seconds, if she's looked at him five seconds earlier she'd have seen him with his hand outstretched for her

Five Seconds

After hours of walking around aimlessly they decided to go home, well Enji did (Y/N) went to her friend's apartment which she had the key to, Enji sighed seeing the empty apartment they both shared, their home together, after going about their day like zombies doing their homeworks, training, studying like they're on some sort of auto pilot, they went to bed, alone for the first time in years, it really downed on them then, it's over, their home was gone, they both broke down, home was with their significant other, home was were they felt the love between the two of them, as they both cried alone, showing their hurt and weakness.

After hours of crying and begging for the other to come back, they both stared at the ceiling sending a curse to the heavens that broke them, that decided they didn't suffer enough in the past but had to suffer more, as Todoroki Enji looked at the small velvet box he was clutching onto, he opened it looking at the beautiful (gem) ring that he planned to give to her.. Well if she said yes of course "which you would have, wouldn't you my vixen", meanwhile said woman was curled in her bed unable to shed anymore tears, clutching her stomach she let out a dry chuckle that turned into a sob "it's OK my little angel, I love you, I'll always be here for you, sorry daddy won't be around, he's not a bad father I swear, I'm the bad mother, he... He doesn't even know you exist.. I'm sorry I know... He would have loved you"

Untold secrets, surprises that'd have brought laughs and tears of joy, brought pain onto two poor unfortunate souls that night.

END FLASHBACK

You sighed remembering these memories brought a heaviness on your chest, your refused to think about it anymore, otherwise you'd cry, now that would be hard to explain, why would the demon queen hero cry at a.... 'wait what are they talking about?' you thought focusing on them "while there's a massive increase in crime after the events of Kamino ward a couple of months ago in a lot of these areas there's a considerable drop in crime in these areas, we think it's due to the hero agencys there, as the zones are where the Endeavor, (H/N), Hawks, Edgeshot Miruko and lot more agencies and work areas are" 'ah right, crime stats, we're at that stage means next stage is... A word by the mentioned heroes... Great I wanna go back to kicking villain ass already, I have such high status cause I was doing my work not sitting in meetings.. This shit is useless, and seriously? You think? Of course it's because All Might retired AND was revealed to be a skeleton.. Haha... OK it's not funny... Nah it is... Speaking of which... I'm assuming Endeavor is pissed from becoming the top by default... Damn I hate becoming Two by default... Well damn... Would you look at that... Were where we promised No.1 Hero Endeavor, No.2 Hero (H/N)... Things didn't go as planned.. But we got there haha... FUCK! '.

You directed your eyes back at Endeavor, it hurt, really hurt, hearing on the news that he have been married, you really thought you could reconsile, yet he was avoiding you like the plague, like he hated your very existence, at first you decided to let him calm down and get his thoughts together, then you got busy with your child, after about a year his avoidance to you sky rocketed, he went from not looking your way for more than a couple seconds to totally ditch the room you are in the second you walked in, you pushed the thoughts to the back of your head and focused back on the speaker, and it was time for the heroes to speak, so Endeavor went first, speaking about efficiency and tactics and sidekicks, yadda yadda 'damn I forgot... He could be so boring sometimes... He's lucky I love listening to his voice anyway' you smiled slightly, not exactly listening to what he's saying more like listening to him, next was Hawks a new kid basically which wasn't here either 'heh kid can't even get to a meeting-oh dear I didn't just-... Fuck.... Damn kid is good tho he rose to the top real quick, good for him, if he keeps that up he'll pass All might himself... Now wouldn't that be cruel to Endeavor... And to me... That's gotta suck.. A kid surpassimg me? Heh yeah right' focusing now on other things to distract yourself from your memories you made a mental note to try harder somehow, maybe take on new districts, you were next, after making a comment about how you don't really like making speeches you went on and gave a small (kinda) speech, (can't think of anything) arrogantly expressing how good you are and how it'll just get better, you threw a few comments about being efficient and throwing shade on the other speakers while smirking at Endeavor who glared at you.

Later

"damn I am glad this is all over, I was starting to get a headache" he sighed walking out "it wasn't like you were focused (H/N)" you heard from behind you, turning around you came eye to eye with Endeavor, well chest even tho you were wearing heels and already tall, he towered over you (bruh like I'm 6'1... He ain't that much taller than me lol.. He intimidating tho) "well hello to you too Endeavor, what makes you so sure I wasn't focused?" you said crossing your arms, his eyes did a quick scan of you, you wore (idk choose what you want just make it formal, I hate when authors tell me what to wear lmao...) while you did the same to him" well you were too busy checking me out " he said crossing his arms as well, both of you not backing down 'as always' both of you thought.

"I wasn't checking you out, I was just looking" "for what exactly?" he narrowed his eyes "I don't know, to see if you're still in one piece, especially after all the madness that is Hosu and Kamino, that was kinda a bad situation while I was there in Kamino I wasn't in Hosu, All For One is a nightmare but Stain.... Its said he froze everyone with his blood lust" you smirked "well I handled it" he said growling "yeah I fucking saw that" you said "so.... How's it going? Other than the Hosu thing what did you do recently? And Kamino of course" you asked, he looked at you for a second as if thinking you're not serious about asking him but he sighed seeing you're serious "well, Shoto came to my agency for the internship, the school allowed first years to do them because of recent events" "right the USJ attack" you said.

"I heard through a trusted source that him and the green haired kid and the Iida kid are the ones who beat stain actually, right?" you said looking at him "how did you-" he was shocked then sighed "yeah, they did but because they didn't have their hero license they would have been expelled so it had to be covered up someone had to take the credit, and it happened to be me, I hate taking fake credit" he said annoyed "yeah, I know you always wanted to be the best by your own standards" you said and he looked at you with a soft expression, 'you always know me so well huh, can't believe some bastards actually think I took the credit because I wanted the fake glory' he thought while admiring you 'even after all these years' he sighed, you felt his gaze on you, as you fell into silence, trying to avoid the awkwardness you changed the subject "by the way Shoto doesn't seem like the type of kid to break the rules like that, and wasnt he supposed to be with you?" you asked and he hummed "the other two went there first then the Midoriya kid texted Shoto his location, he just left me on the street and ran there" he said shaking his head, you laughed slightly and nodded "yeah he seems close with that kid, especially with the sports festival fight" you said then suppressed a laugh "what?" he narrowed his eyes at you "nothing you're just kinda.... Funny.... SHOOTOOO" you said trying to copy him but breaking into laughter before that "OI... That's not suppossed to be funny" he grumbled "whatever you say" you said taking your breath.

You looked at him expecting him to be at least annoyed by your antics, yet he had a soft relaxed expression, you smiled at him "what?" you asked softly "nothing, it's just... It's been a while since I had a good conversation with someone" you smiled "really?, well good to know I'm up to your standards" you said, you two chatted for a while after that as you walked around the streets.

Endeavor couldn't help but crave you, your heart, your Love, your body, he wanted it all back, "and then that vigilante kid jumped into my fire to get the woman that was controlling the bees, I can't believe these vigilantes" he continued with the story you nodding "well it is reckless and out of the law to be a vigilante so I'll have to agree with you" you said as you both walked around, both of you having your hero suits with you, well... He just activated his quirk burning the suit to reveal his hero one underneath, now that shocked you for a second, while you (idk however you guys wanna do it, my OC has a pretty small suit... Kinda revealing lol.. So it doesn't take much space.. Can be carried anywhere... She also had it under her clothes.... Its kinda like League of Legends Jinx.. Kinda not totally).

You both attracted a lot of attention, and as always he just ignored them, you'd just wave at a random person, not out of accepting their over excited idiocy, but because you enjoyed watching them fall to the ground from how they're over reacting 'hehe.. Vixen' you thought, as he was telling you another story a bank alarm went off, both of you rushing there to stop the burglary but as you got there the thieves were all on the ground passed out, you both blinked in confusion, with your reaction time you should have gotten here fast "And next time think twice before breaking the law, because you'll find me in your way everytime, and it'll be over before you know it" yelled the hero that stopped them, flames engulfed her in a similar fashion to Enji's, her hair being on fire as well, her hero suit seeming to be the same as him except hers has the top half like a top showing her entire middle and arms, it worked in favor of showing her toned abs and biceps, while it'd have been inconvenient in the cold for anybody else, her flames eliminated that possibility " Fourth Rank Hell Queen Hero Inferno" Endeavor said looking at her "oh?.. ENDEAVOR SAN what brings you to my district? Oh and (H/N) too what a surprise.... wait what're you two doing together?" she asked jumping and landing infront of you two, standing at a height identical to Endeavor himself "pleasure to finally meet you, flame hero I gotta say you're my role model, we have the same quirks you see? You inspired me to become a hero" while you stared at both of them.

Endeavor heard what he always heard from his fans yet that girl wasn't being a fan girl, she spoke with bride and arrogance, she really meant her words yet she was professional and wasn't being an ass kiss like others, he took her outstretched hand shaking it "glad to hear it, more importantly glad to have a fan who can actually speak and use her brain" he said and she chuckled and smirked "damn must be my lucky day, getting such an acknowledgement, anyway what're you doing around here? You're kinda far from your agency, are you on a mission of some sort? Need a guide?" she asked "did neither of you really turn off your falmes on your hands?" you mumbled, both of them seeming to hear you they looked at you "flame heroes" said Inferno "(H/N) you're aware I'm fire proof right?" "right" you said wondering how she made him agree with her so fast.

"anyway... Why the hell didn't you attend the meeting?" you turned to her and asked her, she sighed "I was busy, every crook in the city lost their damn minds today" you said "it's mandatory to attend Inferno you could have left them to your sidekicks" she sighed "jeez Okaasan chill, I couldn't leave, my sidekicks are taking care of some things, there's just that much chaos around" she crossed her arms "right right still-" "besides if I went I would have just had to sit there while you ogled at Endeavor anyway" "OI! ZIP IT KID!" you yelled then glanced at Endeavor who gave you an amused look "wasn't staring huh?" he smirked "don't listen to her" "oh so you did~" she teased "NO!" "yes she did" "oooohhh damn" "shut up, and you need to catch up on what was said in the meeting" "you can brief me later woman"  she sighed "ne Endeavor San you were there as well right?" Endeavor looked at her " I was" "great maybe you can brief me too, ne tell me, not that I'm complaining but you don't talk to people that much, yet you're holding such along conversation with me, why's that?" Endeavor seemed surprised himself "me and your mother knew each other a while back we were just talking and then ran into you" he answered and she nodded Satisfied "wait... Mother... You knew Endeavor and didn't tell me? You could have let me meet him years ago!" she said " well we didn't talk for a while.. A few years that is" and as the conversation went on you guys stepped away from the scene, a totally different thought going through Endeavor's head and a similar yet different thought going through yours 'Okaasan? She's her daughter huh...so... Back then... '

FLASHBACK

A couple weeks after the fight they graduated high school and both of them focused on thier careers, she never came back to their apartment, they both had worked part time jobs and full time in summer since middle school and saved up, getting a good head start to their rent and the bills they'd have to pay, they'd have to work during UA and it'll be hard but they'll manage, as long as they get away from those hell holes, the ones they were raised in, wouldn't even call it home... It was hell, and they both escaped it into this haven they shared, well.. Not anymore.

As time went on, and as he realized how stupid his mentor is, it is true he depends on her on the battle field alot, but she depends on him too, they're both the power couple of the hero world Endeavor and (H/N) with how similar/opposing/complimentary their quirks are, they can deal with any situation with speed and efficiency no one else is capable of, he realized how he was a Fool for listening to his mentor, with a determined mind he left the agency after the day was over, walking in the cold weather, wasn't any trouble to him with his quirk, yet it brought a smile to his face thinking about her and how she loved (or hated if that's your preference) the winter, and the snow flakes, how even if she isn't cold (or cold) she'd still hold on to him wrapping her arm around his waist as he wrapped his around her shoulders, he smiled at the memories of them together, 'damn... We have a memory associated with everything' he sighed.

Buying her favorite flowers, a gift that he knew she'd like, at least he hoped she would with how mad she'd be at him, and a speech of apology that he prepared and embarrassimgly practiced, and the ring 'just in case' he thought 'just in case it all goes well, and I spontaneously propose I have the ring' he smiled, he really didn't mind if he'd have to beg for forgiveness, he acknowledged that he instigated the fight and escalated it while she was on the defensive, while he didn't let her even talk, he loved his Persephone and he'd throw away his ego for her.

Arriving at her house he sighed, it's been over a year, it shouldn't have taken me so long he thought, as he sighed going up the small steps and raising his hand to knock, he saw something that made him freeze on the spot, like his blazing quirk was replaced with ice, through the window by the door, he saw his beloved, as beautiful as ever with a child in her arms, an infant, a very small one at that, she smiled at the baby in her arms as she cooed softly for it, he couldn't see them clearly but there was someone sitting on the other side of the couch, 'no... That's not it, she's just babysitting or holding the baby for one of her stupid friends' he thought trying to convince himself that it's not true, as his thoughts raced he was interrupted by the cries of the child, he watched them again as she pulled the child closer to her chest giving it her nipple as it started feeding and stopped crying, it hurt hurt like having every bone in his body broken, hurt like he overheated himself 10 times over, hurt like acid running through his veins, with all the pain and heartbreak all common sense escaped him, that the child may be his, it looks like it's a couple months old, he failed to notice that the shadow of the unknown third party is her annoying cheerful friend who for some reason have always been at their home, she didn't even chatter with them she would just stay there with them. (best friends be like... Your home is my home too ha).

Turning around he walked down the steps, his fury so intense that his quirk burned uncontrollably disintegrating the gifts he brought for her, except a single red rose that he had added to the flowers collection ironically due to a comment about his hair from her, the red rose had Slight burns on it and it laid on top of snow covered in ashes.

Five Seconds

Five seconds, If you looked at the window by the door five seconds earlier you'd have seen him.

Noticing a sudden brightness that disappeared outside your friend looked at you questioningly, the light seemed to grab your little girl's attention as she stopped crying becoming fuzzy as she twisted around in your arms reaching her hands up curling her hands in a graby motion, you shushed her as your friend went to check.

Walking outside (F/N) saw the rose and the ashes she realized what might happened, and as she contemplated it she realized that if (Y/N) finds this she'll be broken again, she'll go after him and he won't even let her explain, they'll fight again and he'll abandon her again, seeing her broken for the first time was painful enough, she sighed picking up the rose and tucking it away in her jacket creating a wind draft that blew the ash covered snow away "what is it?" came your voice from being her "is something out there?" you asked looking at her "no... Its nothing" she said closing the door.

Shrugging you went back to calming down your baby "you look so much like your daddy, my sweet little burning flame, my Kouen" you sang to her softly putting her to sleep, she had her dad's hair and eyes, she was stubborn even as a baby, she was born prematurely and heavily underweight, which is why she looks so small for a 6 months old, the doctors told you she might not make it but as you spoke to her daily in the incubator, telling her to fight and live, she kept fighting and you managed to return home with your baby, your reminder of your lover, such an amazing thing you two created, oh how you wished she met her dad, how you wished to see him carry her "you are looking for him aren't you? You're wondering where daddy is, God you'd have been such a daddy's girl" you cried as you talked to her.

If only... If only he rang the bell that day, if only your friend told you what she found then maybe, maybe it'd have gone differently.

END FLASHBACK

By now you had walked to Inferno's agency and went to her office (look ya'll gonna be having some conversations that don't belong in the streets OK? OK)

"So Okaasan?" he asked "hm? Oh right, (H/N) is my mother, what didn't tell him you got a kid... Damn that's cold" "hush "Endeavor San did she tell you about me?" "she didn't" he said looking at you "it didn't come up" you said, "oh OK then... if that's the case allow me to reintroduce myself, the Hell Queen Hero Inferno, daughter of the Demon Hero (H/N), no clue who my dad is tho, never met the guy" she said shrugging, "Inferno, that's enough" Endeavor seemed intrigued "you never met your father?" "nah never, mom says it's complicated" she shrugged, both of them looking at you "what?.. What do you want? I'm not opening this subject again Kou" "Kou?" Endeavor looked at her "ugh dammit woman! The Name's Kouen or Kou-Kun, Kou sounds too soft and childish" she crossed her arms "Kouen, enough" "Kouen? Like flames or prominence" Endeavor asked "hm? Oh yeah like that she wouldn't tell why she named me that either, gotta have to do with my flame quirk" she said emphasizing on it by manipulating her flames, turning it off as well.

"see? I do have hair I just choose to keep it on fire" Endeavor stared at her, now without her flames he can see her more clearly, the red short hair on her head, not a shade different from his own, her sapphire eyes that had the same shine to them, her facial features while feminine yet harsh, resembled his own way too much, the confident posture, the way she talks, somehow.. Somehow his same attitude, "interesting... so if you don't mind me asking how old are you?" he said "oh I'm 28 mom had me at 18.. Kinda irresponsible don't you think?" "irresponsible indeed" he said and she nodded turning her flames back on " yeah, she said she knew my quirk since I was born, good thing she went after my fire quirk not Demon Quirk, as you might know I have a hybrid quirk, her Demon and Flame, would have been weird" she said (Her quirk is a perfect mix, she has the perfect hybrid quirk) "agreed, so (Y/N) care to join the conversation?" Endeavor said looking at you who was standing there silently, you sighed "yeah, going the fire way was the right call" "you guys are on first name? Damn what'd I miss?" she asked "Kouen dear... Care to go over there for a sec? I need to talk to Endeavor about something" you said using your authoritive voice, even tho it was rarely effective "why? What do you wanna talk to him about all of a sudden that's a secret?" "Kouen please.. Now" you asked again "Inferno, care to give us a moment, I have something to ask her too" Endeavor said and she looked at him and sighed "sure thing, I'll be over there, just yell for me when you're done" with that she walked away.

Endeavor looked at you questioningly crossing his arms "so you have a daughter, a flame quirk daughter who's 28?"

You looked at him quietly, guilt and anxiety filling you " yes.... I do" you sighed "and she doesn't have a father, never met him and you never told her who he is" "I didn't want her to go chase him, in case he didn't want her, I didn't know... What he wanted" you sighed looking down, taking a deep breath you looked up at him, instead of anger or anything of the sort you saw patience, and hope "is she..." he asked, not dating to complete the question in fear of disappointment in case if the universe is just that cruel to him "she's your daughter" you said "I was pregnant, that day.... I was going to tell you... But then we had that fight and I just... " you took a deep breath "I didn't know what to do, whether to tell you or not, not like you'd listen to me anyway, you started avoiding me after that" he sighed "I did, God... I can't believe that I... Missed Twenty Eight years of my daughter's life.. Yet again... It was my fault" he said looking to the ground "Enji no... It was both of our fault, we should have listened to each other, we've always been so.... Aggressive and hot headed, we dug our own graves basically I should have told you maybe... "  "I knew" he interrupted you.

"what?" you looked at him, he hung his head down, taking a deep breath he looked at you, regret and pain in his eyes "I went to your house, over year after it all ended, I nearly knocked but then...then I saw you, sitting there with someone next to you, sitting there with an infant in your arms you looked so happy and content, with some other guy, with his child, Cobra's (your work studies Pro) words ringing in my ears, that you're not loyal to me, that you used me and didn't love me."he said looking at you" even... I even went to you that day cursing him and his teachings, his false ideals, cursing what he did to us, you know I found out he fired you? He told me that you quite" he  said "God you're such an idiot you know that?" you sighed then looked at him "I know" he said looking at you "wow he even admits it" you smirked.

"That day... When you saw another guy with me... You didn't really see them right?" you asked he looked at you confused shaking his head "thought so, well that was (F/N) she was staying over to help me take care of your very fuzzy stubborn ass daughter, damn she's stubborn as hell as you can see" "I should have checked, I should have known, I KNEW that you're loyal to me, just I should have asked you" he said, his flames all going out "man you really deserve a slap for all this, or a punch" you sighed shaking your head "you're right, I do, you can go ahead I was a terrible boyfriend, an even worse father to her, and to my other children he said taking a deep breath closing his eyes and opening them again.

"later, not in front of your daughter.. Now why don't you go introduce yourself?" he looked at you shocked "what? You're not mad at me? At all?" "No, I'm not..we've already spent so long mad at each other, look where it got us, let's just throw away all the anger and just... Live, and you're not off the hook yet... your next mission is to go to your daughter and tell her you're her dad, to be fair I do have a lot of the blame, when she was a child she connected the dots, how we were in the same year and how she's basically a copy of you, and the quirk.. God... She didn't even ask she straight up Said 'Endeavor is my dad' and I spent the entire day proving her wrong... So it's not only on you and damn is that kid smart"  you said crossing your arms sighing.

he looked at you in shock "so she knows?" "pretty sure she does, she's just pretending to have bought my lie" "right" looking behind him he looked at her, she was standing at the other end of her office looking at you both intently, waiting for this 'talk' to be over, Endeavor signaled her to come over and she walked to you guys "sooo... That looked deep... This isn't a business talk at all... Looked personal" Kouen said she stood in front of you "no it isn't" you said "Enji?" "more first name basis? Wow" she said looking at him "Inferno... So I don't even know how to say this, and I'm terrible in these things but... Look Me and your mother used to date in high school, we broke up, due to my mistake and.... I'm your father I know I haven't been there for you at all, I don't have the right to ask you to forgive me but I'll try.. I'll try to be the father you imagined me to be a hero that you're proud of- huh" not letting him even finish she hugged him "I've always been proud of you, that's the first thing I told you when we met dammit" she said holding on to him tightly, "you didn't know, when I met you today I knew it's my chance to reveal who I am to you, that's why I told you all that ya know? I ain't that chatty with people" Endeavor stood there not knowing what to do for a second he was shocked, but slowly he wrapped his arms around her, pulling you close as well the three of you stood there just holding each other.

The heavens are done punishing him, the heavens are done punishing you, apparently now... Now you can be together, even if it's a bit complicated.

TIMESKIP

Kouen met Shoto and apparently they both bonded, in some weird way, Natsou and Fuyumi as well "well we lived in the same house as him yet we didn't see him so there isn't a difference between us at all" Natsou scoffed "Natsou that's not appropriate! Come on" Fuyumi said "it's OK, Fuyu don't worry about it" Kouen said "he's stating his opinion" they all talked for a while before Kouen had to excuse herself "sorry guys I have to go, I have a meeting with Hawks and Dad in Kyushu, you guys are going to your mom right? Want me to drop you off?" she asked "no it's OK we got it" Natsou said "You don't wanna be late for meeting up with Hawks right Ne-chan?" Fuyumi teased making the older girl go red "O...Oi shut it... I'm going to meet dad not that fried chicken" he flames turning on Fuyumi giggled as Natsou wiggled his eyebrows "ah huh right right, more like a hot fried chicken" Natsou said "JUST GO ALREADY YOU TWO" she yelled making them laugh at her while she marched away from them using her flames she propelled herself forward flying to Kyushu (ya know like FIRESTORM in Flash and Legends).

LATER

The attack goes the same with addition to Inferno helping in slowing down high-end when Endeavor was temporarily down, put getting tossed onto buildings as well, and her helping with the flying up cause she's fire proof unlike Hawk's feathers, she separates right before he turns hood into a mini sun, in her fall she notices Dabi in the distance, yet when She lands she ig ores it to make sure dad is fine first, cries tears of joy when he's standing, goes to him and is ready to smack a hoe whne Dabi shows, he isn't fazed until Miruko shows up like what happened in the Manga.

TIMESKIP

A couple weeks after, Endeavor leaves the hospital, While Kouen didn't have the same injuries as him she got a pretty bad hit which endangered her life, the heavens decided to be merciful again and let her live and walk out there with HIM "you know, mom is going to kill us right?" Kouen said, Endeavor shook his head "that's what I'm dreading" he sighed making her laugh at him as they both went home, Endeavor still lived at his house but he'd come to their house from time to time, now he went their cause (Y/N) said she'll take care of her two heroes "after she kicks their asses she means" Endeavor muttered as they reached the house, as they got in (Y/N) told them to rest, not five seconds later they both had to dodge the chancla (lmao) "dammit woman!" they both said simultaneously "nuh uh, you two don't get to sync on me! And you two don't get to get THAT injured on me" smacking both their heads hard she returned to making the food as they complained about her hitting injured people.

You sighed making them their dinner, normal homemade ramen for Enji, a death penalty of spicy ramen to Kouen, you smiled softly hearing them talking about how she's too rough on two injured heroes in the line of duty, sighing your thoughts drifted to his other kids and his wife, yes you knew their story, yes you knew what happened but you couldn't help but feel you're stealing him from his wife somehow, like you're the bad person, but yet again what happened to you two wasn't fair, the cruelty of the universe stole him from you so you shall steal him back, you're fighting a war, a war with destiny, and you shall win, it's fair right? Yeah it is, you grinned its all fair when it comes to love "it's all fair in love and war my love~".

After dinner was served you guys just rested all day, with them both asking you for stuff "I swear to God you two sound like whining 5 year Olds" you said getting them another thing, five minutes later they were about to ask you something "next one who asks for something ridiculous I'll break another bone of yours!" you threatened shutting them both.

.

.

"love you" both of them said and smirked at you

.

.

"fine what do you want?" dammit.

TIMESKIP

The window opened as the mysterious figure climbed in through with ease, looking at the peacefully sleeping woman, with hatred, she looked so beautiful, so perfect, so disgusting!

The figure grabbed the woman with ease covering her mouth, as she struggled she couldn't break free, she couldn't move, they were so strong, everybody peacefully asleep, unaware of the horror that's happening, looking at her attacker her eyes widened, she was in shock, her attacker smirked, the white haired woman tried to scream but she couldn't, the gloved hand that covered her mouth wouldn't let up "hello Rei-San" said the (h/c) woman with a sickeningly sweet smile, "you might be wondering why am I here... Well... Let's just say this... After so many years... I've been reunited with the love of my life and I won't let anybody get in my way... You are an obstacle, unfortunately for you... I'll have to get rid of you" you sang as you knocked over the base that held the beautiful withering flower "what a shame.... You were also doing so great... But you had a sudden psyche break.... And you decided to... End it all... End the pain" you sang sweetly, using your quirk to control her, her struggling stopped as she got up quietly, tearing down object after object, throwing around such precious letters that she had, pulling her hair, scratching her self, she looked down grabbing the broken shards of glass, she looked at you with hopeful puppy eyes, too sweet innocent, with such fear behind them, begging you to let her go, you nodded go ahead and she smiled "yes Master" she said in a sweet obedient voice, looking back down her hands, she brought the glass to her wrists and started cutting, cut after cut after cut till her arm was covered in cuts, then her other arm as tears slipped passed her fearful yet giddy eyes, her white clothes were covered in beautiful crimson color, her legs were next, looking at you again "come on baby.. Don't be afraid, it'll feel good I promise~" she smiled again, grabbing the pen from the floor she held it tightly in her hand making a string fist, pushing it full force she stabbed her eye, pulling it out she looked at you "master" "it's OK baby go ahead~" you smiled in approval, with a grin she aimed the pen again "thank you Master" she said in her cute obedient voice sending the pen through her other eye, pulling it out she dropped it to the floor "Master?" "I'm here. My sweet pet.... Now sit there like a God dog" "Hai" "dogs don't talk.. Hmm... Oh I know... We can just.." Raising her hand with the glass she stuck her tongue out, pushing the piece of glass through she cut through it till it was off, vocal cords next, somehow knowing where to cut exactly, reaching the glass she started cutting through them, choking on her blood and beading out, she sat there obediently, as blood and tears fell from her eyes, "good girl... Now.. Die" she sat there for a couple more seconds then dropped dead, drowned in her blood and having bled out, as the crimson surrounded her, you almost felt jealous " don't worry my little puppy, you can keep (F/N) company in hell hehehe~"

Going out the window like you came in, leaving no trace at all of your existence you smiled as you looked at the moon "my beloved is mine now... And mine alone"

TIMESKIP

You were sitting in the living room watching the news, this being your day off, you looked up at Enji and smiled "hey my love, come join me" he smiled at you, drying his hair having just came out of the shower, he only had pants on, as you admired his strong muscles he sat next to you, giving you a sweet kiss unlike the passionate ones you usually shared "you looked at him and smiled "what? You seem to be in a very good mood today did something happen?" "it's nothing" Enji answered looking away "I just... I'm happy... I got you back my Persephone" he said making you giggle "my beloved Hades, I'll always come back for you" cuddling closer together you decided to find a movie or something to watch.

Later

You both just sat there, watching movies, and messing around... Doing some adult Tango, you were both just relaxing when Enji's phone rang, you both ignored it for a while but then he looked at it due to the persistence of the caller, looking at it he saw Shoto's number he answered "SHOOTOOOO" you put your hand on your mouth to cover your laugh "what is it?" "come to mom's hospital quick" came Shoto's panicked voice "what?.. Why what's going on?" "I don't know, I came to visit her but they won't let me in, there are police cars around, they're saying I shouldn't go in there" "OK... Calm down... I'm on my way" hanging up he got up to get dressed, you looked at Enji "what is it?" "I don't know, Shoto called from the hospital there's something wrong" he said sighing "SHOTO'S AT THE HOSPITAL? Is he hurt? Is one of kids? Was it another villain attack?" you panicked, he smiled, God he loved how you worried about these little kids it made his heart flutter, then shook his head "no they're OK, they're at Rei's hospital, he said they won't let him in and there's police cars around" you looked at him shocked "shit... Is Rei OK?" you asked "I don't know that's what I'll have to figure out" he then looked at you weird "wait... Did you just ask if Rei is OK? And with such concern?" you huffed "we're actually friends just so you know" you crossed your arms "is that so"he said watching you get dressed" yes, we talk a lot.. I go there when I have time... I'm coming with, I wanna make sure Rei is alright" "alright then hurry up" you glared at him as you quickly got dressed "well excuse me my suit isn't as easy as yours" soon you both left for the hospital, one unaware of what awaits at their destination, the other playing her act very well.

Later

Arriving at the hospital the three kids were standing there anxiously as the fourth was trying to calm them down "guys, come on it may just be because of the recent villain attacks and all that" Kouen tried calming them down, the second you two walked in they all ran up to you "Oyaji make them tell us what's going on in here?" Shoto started immediately " I got this, calm down, where is the person in charge here?" walking up to Rei's doctor after spotting him "what's going on here?" he asked him "what's with the police and preventing the kids from going in?" the Doctor looked at them with a sad and devastated look, "sir, there was.... Something happened yesterday, during the night, we're not sure what may have triggered her but-" the Doctor was evading, getting impatient Natsou stormed past the guards taking them by surprise unable to stop him, like a domino effect, he was immediately followed by his siblings, and Enji and you, reaching the room first taking a look inside " Okasa- huh?" he froze, a look of terror in his eyes, "Natsou what's wrong?" Shoto reaching him second he looked inside and like his brother he froze, Kouen was next seeing the scene before her she was shocked, snapping out of her trance just in time to pull Fuyumi's fave into her chest to stop her from seeing, but she got a glimpse, and it was enough to throw her into tears "w... Wait.. What.. What was that? O... Okasan?..what" as Kouen hid her sister's face both you and Enji stared in shock at the scene before you, the scene seemed to be out of a horror movie, a nightmare the the silence was deafening, till a scream of pain erupted from Natsou, followed by Shoto, and Fuyumi, your tears just falling silently "Rei... What the hell" you looked at the doctor grabbing him by the collar "what the hell happened here!" you glared at him, it wasn't a question, it was a a demand for and answer "she... She did that" he fearfully admitted "what?" "the hell are you talking about?" as he now got attacked by the questions of everybody each yelling and screaming and demanding answers "I don't know... We found her like that in the morning, she seemed to have some sort of psyche attack, it's undetectable, it happens to a lot of people from different ages, and lives and jobs, she destroyed everything around her then did this" he fearfully let out "destroyed everything? That must have made a lot of noise, why did nobody check on her?" Endeavor asked glaring at him "I don't know, I wasn't here at night" "then who was" Inferno asked glaring at him "I don't know.. I don't know" "there isn't a single drop of blood in some of the scattered things, the ones further away from her, the destruction was done before she bled, meaning if you Checked the commotion you'd have caught her before she did anything" Inferno stated, while that increased the chaos, it wouldn't change anything, she's gone.

At the funeral, a lot of tears were shed, a lot of pain and anguish, a lot of perfect acting, a lot of comfort for the hurting friend, that lost her new friend, a lot of comfort from her beloved.

If only, if only on that day (F/N) told you what she found, then Rei would have lived, then these kids would have been yours, if only she spoke, then she wouldn't have been in hell with Rei.

FLASHBACK

"(Y/N)... Come on stop..." your friend struggled, "then tell me, what're you hiding" you said, holding her tightly "I'm not hiding anything" she said struggling to get away, your quirk was way more superior to her air manipulation, she could only manipulate small portions, while your demon quirk did a lot, "yes you are" you said, using your quirk you put her in a trance, "confess" "It was my fault the dog got out, I left the door open" "dumb bitch, Kouen will kill you" "yeah, but I'm more scared of you, you'll kill me of you find out" you narrowed your eyes at her "if I find out what?" "that I didn't tell you... About Todoroki" you looked at her now curious and angry "what about him? (F/N)" fear filled her eyes "that he he came here" "WHAT?" you see in shock "the hell did you do? Why did you never tell me?" "because he left, he saw you with Kouen, he saw you with the baby, I think he thought it isn't his and that you moved on so he left, when I went out to check that flare of light, I found ashes, all over the snow, I found a single half burned red rose, so I hid it it, I hid it all, I knew you'll run after him, I knew you'll fight and that he'll break your heart again I couldn't" she said crying, you looked at her with anger and hate "so he came here! Before he moved on, before he married and you didn't tell me, that's why he started avoiding me so much, he thinks I moved on from him, now he's married, and has two kids, my chance is gone.. Because of YOU" you yelled in anger releasing your control "please I was just trying to help-" "silence!.... 7 years! 7 years I could have had him! 7 years we would have lived together! And for more years to come! You're a fucking whore! What were you jealous of me? For having a lover? While nobody even looked at you?" you yelled "that isn't it! I was just" "just what? Worried about me? I've always fought with him, that's how we always have been, you tried using your brain, that's the problem (F/N) you're a stupid bitch who ruined everything!" your friend cried "I just tried to help" she got up to leave but froze, your control on her again "now where do you think you're going?" you looked at her smiling maniacally "we're not done here"... 5 months.... 5 months you tortured her, 5 months for the 7 years she took away from you, you would have went longer, but she was too weak, and died.

If only

If only, you didn't try to play the hero, General studies trash 'if only you trusted my strength and told me what happened... Then we wouldn't have gone through that'

END FLASHBACK

Everybody went home that day, depressed, questioning what happened to her all of a sudden, the havens are really cruel huh... They had to take such a delicate loving woman in such a cruel way, as each one of them ran to their lovers for comfort, one woman was in no need of comfort, for she was a demon in human disques.

TIMESKIP

This is after the Endeavor hero agency arc, after the Ending attack.

Man you felt tired, it's like you were frozen but it was quit the opposite, you layed on the ground coughing as blue flames surrounded you "how sad... Hero" you heard the teasing voice of Dabi "you really are weak.... Don't deserve your rank at all" he said pinning you down sitting on top of you to prevent your movements, "look at you.. So pathetic" "if you're gonna kill me then do it already, a hundred other heroes will take my place, and bring you down" you grunted and coughed out blood, Dabi looked at you shocked for a second then laughed maniacally "man that is good... That is good (H/N) they usually, beg for their lives by now.. But no actually, I'm not doing this to stop the heroes.. I'm doing this to hurt him" he grinned you looked at him shocked "what?" "well killing you will hurt Endeavor badly, I'd have gone after the one that looks like him but it's harder to fight fire with fire I have other plans for her anyway I need her alive for them.... oh? Don't tell me you don't know? Well I'll explain to you, before you die you have the right to know anyway.... " ya'll insert his reveal and the message that was broadcasted by the hacker guy it's too long to type and this is too long already.

" so... As you can see here... Dear beloved woman of my father killing you will hurt him, and her, her flames of revenge will burn bright, as she tries to kill her mother's killer, would she have the heart to kill her dear brother? Would dear dad let her? Would he stop her? Or would he join her? Would his perfect creation Shoto take his brother's side? Or would he take the side of a half sister he just knew and a father that he despises, what about Natsou... And Fuyumi too... Oh and Okasan you know it's wormg to try and steal a married man? Well I'm not one to judge...hahaha.. A lot of possibilities here, too sad you won't live to see them" as he spoke he started burning, stronger and stronger, by the time he was done it was excruciating, "you're... wrong" you coughed "huh?" "you're wrong Touya" you smiled at him, a maniacal smile rivaling his own, paralyzing him... "What the hell is wrong with that woman? She's insane" "you made a big mistake Touya~" you sang his name, he froze 'the hell?' "what the hell are you talking about? Why aren't you screaming in pain? Why aren't you dying!" "hahaha hahaha the thing is... You just threatened my darling, and I just..... Can't let you live to do any of that haha haha" you laughed pushed him off, fear crawled up his back, paralyzing him, as you walked closer to him, the flames burning your flesh you just grinned at him "wh... What are you!" "me?... I'm the demon dero my dear... What exactly did you think demon hero meant?" he leaned down towards him "those who fought me, and were worthy, got to see it, my other form" you laughed looking at the scared Dabi "don't worry it's not that baad~ my beloved Enji saw it before, he said it's not scary" you grinned as your form shifted, into a much taller creature, it was covered in shadows, eyes glowing red, sharp massive teeth glowing "demons are made of fire Touya~ we don't burn in fire, we strive in it, we crave it!"

Dabi stared at the demon in fear as the demon reached its claws for him, just before he was grabbed, a portal opened suclimg him in, the demon screamed in anger, losing its Prey, its OK.. However... It'll get its chance again someday.

After All

All Is Fair In Love And War

Right?

"...... After All Touya is such a beautiful name~" Dabi or Touya sang as he danced on top of Machia "come dance with your son in hell Endeavor"

.

.

.

"... I really enjoyed what I did to Hawks actually... It was very satisfying"

.

.

.

Meanwhile the broadcast explained everything, including the illegitimate child of Endeavor, and the scandal with Endeavor and (H/N)

As Enji just froze, and Shoto fought, Kouen was torn between her revenge and her brother, her family... They wouldn't want her to kill Touya.

As the battle progressed she made up her mind, she'll get revenge, for Her lover, he hurt Hawks, he destroyed his quirk, he tarnished his image, he nearly killed him, he put him in pain and suffering.

It wasn't fair, what happened to him, but she'll fix it. She'll kill Dabi for him.

After All

All Is Fair In Love And War.

END ?

DAMN FINALLY!

(I don't specify a gem as you can choose your fave as I prefer rubies due to their intense red color... With a black band instead of silver.. Introducimg my dream ring lmao... Also in Japan proposals aren't the same as in US and other similar countries but this was a more obvious way of showing the events)

[iwantitiwriteit]

Love Lockdown - Part 4

Begin Again

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Summary: You and Chris have your first serious conversation after being apart for the first few weeks of lockdown.

Warnings: Angst, Pandemic backdrop, Profanity, dash of Fluff, sprinkle of Sexual suggestiveness

Notes: Another In My Feelings Monday™ yesterday! Hopefully there’ll be more musings as the weeks go on, but I loved the whimsy the mindset added to me day! 🥰 This part y’all! Whew! Tried to get as much angsty good tension in there as I could muster-- I won’t rest until we’re all bawling lol Read the previous part here!

Let it be known, that for a professional writer, you were shit with words. 

Though you were a force with pen to paper, fingertips to keyboard, and a mirage of emotions… maybe some wine, when it came to verbal expression, you were more tongue-tied than a motherfu—

“What do you mean?”

Your mouth is dry as it opens and closes like a fish out of water, a lame attempt at finding the words to answer Chris’ valid question.

“Baby, please talk to me. What do you mean ‘you don’t wanna do this… with me’?”

His heart is on the fritz. His mind is everywhere and nowhere. Chris decides to focus on what he sees, what is real, like that will do him any better. Seeing the soft lines of your face tensed into sharp, anguished angles and you’re hugging yourself so tightly only makes him want to replace your arms with his. 

To Chris, you’ve never seemed to need his help, though. You seemed strong, self-sufficient, self-healing, even. He loved and admired that about you. How you didn’t need, but just wanted him around. But if he thought too hard about it, it scared him. He wanted you to want him as much as he wanted you. He’s never really been sure of how much you wanted him. You also seemed to struggle with saying how you felt. The one thing he was probably too good at. The one thing he could help you with. 

But he’s the one who’s got the two of you thousands of miles away from each other. Now, you’re having this make or break your relationship discussion over FaceTime. He doesn’t get to do that. He doesn’t get to jump in. Might not be the worst thing in the world, considering all his efforts of jumping to “make things right” in the past few months have landed you both in your current situation.

His options are limited now. It feels like his hands are tied behind his back, and you’ve got your finger on his chest. Will you use the slightest force to push him away forever, or open your palms and bring him closer to you?

Chris is trying his best to maintain composure, but his voice is giving him away as he asks one last time, ‘what do you mean?’.

You, too, are trying to remain composed.

You’re not entirely sure what you meant, but felt compelled to say it. You’re trying to be vulnerable and let your heart speak for once, so aware of the discomfort in your chest that your arms are crossed tightly over it. You weren’t one to let your heart move on it’s on volition, finding it smarter and more self-preserving to let your brain take the wheel. Your aversion mostly coming from what it makes you look like. Take your state at this moment: lip quivering, throat constricting, eyes burning, and rimming with tears. On the verge of being a mess.

You always hated when people cried in uncomfortable situations. “It’s a cheap shot,” you’d say, feeling like it wasn’t fair to make the other person feel bad. You refuse to cry. Instead, you screw your eyes shut, and take a few deep breaths. There’s an intense white noise in your head keeping you from thinking straight. Maybe taking a moment will give you some clarity.

After a few seconds, your senses come back to the room. You hear the rustling of wind outside the window in front of you, the hum of the A/C, and Chris shuffling on his end of this caustic call. You can’t bring yourself to open your eyes just yet, but you found your bearings enough to speak.

“Ok…” Your eyes finally meet Chris’ eyes through the camera. He’s poorly holding back his pain in those ocean blue eyes of his. You consider backtracking, engaging your filter. You could ease his mind like always, telling him “never mind” or “it’s nothing”. You could just let him speak like always. He’s always been better with his words. You loved and admired that about him.

He always seems to know how to poetically and intellectually verbalize exactly how he feels, be it about a movie he’d seen, a tweet he read, a song he heard, a woman he loved. A woman he probably was tired of her tongue-tied bullshit. Not that you weren’t a little exhausted from his B.S. You could just let him break up with you, say “ok”, and go your separate ways. A nice, clean break. The hell it would be. You’d be wrecked, you just know it.

But your sister’s words from a moment ago ring in your head:

It’s good to feel. It’s okay to show it sometimes, too. Especially with the ones who showed and proved they won’t judge you for it.

Chris has never judged you. Maybe it’ll be ok to lose composure just a little, halt your filter for just a second or two.

“Chris, I don’t wanna do this with you— this acting like strangers, acting like nothing’s wrong. This hurting each other, but still holding on to each other? I don’t wanna do that to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. That I let contempt build up until I explode instead of just talking to you about what I was feeling. I understand if—“ you take a breath to keep calm and keep your emotive stride, “I know what you wanted to talk about, and I understand.”

“What do you think I wanna talk about?”

“I—” your filter kicks back in as you hold back your thoughts. Despite your front, you hadn’t fully come terms with it. Saying it would make it real, and you weren’t ready for that.

“You thought what?” His tone was slightly accusatory, causing you to cover your face with your hands, engulfing you in embarrassment over your doubts as you realize that ending your relationship was not what Chris wanted to do. You let out a baited breath, as you drop your hands. You had nothing to say, casting your eyes down to your twirling thumbs in your lap.

Chris’ eyes grow ever so slightly wider as his jaw relaxes and lips form into the slightest frown. “I would… I would never…” he stutters out. Chris goes to bring his hand down his face, a subconscious tick for when he’s exasperated, but stops short with the thought in his mind of germs and viruses and fucking Corona. He’s settled on a sigh, it all settling in the difficulty of everything in life at the moment. It’s exhausting.

You’re hurting. He’s hurting. It feels like a never ending cycle. But he’s determined to break the cycle. 

“Do you remember what I said that night in my kitchen? Back in December?” All you could respond with was a nod, your eyes still fixated on your lap. December’s events still left a little bit of a bad taste in your mouth, but with each passing day you were sure you were getting over it. “Well, I fucking meant it.” Slowly, you raise your head to your screen. Chris looks like a wounded puppy that’s still game to play.

“And I should be the one apologizing. Obviously I haven't been doing the best job of living up to my words from that night. I’m sorry.” Then you couldn’t help it. But what would one tear hurt? Chris clocked the tiny droplet streaking your glowing cheeks. His soft smile at it was so small and so brief before he continued. “I never meant to hurt you with my ignorance. But I did, and I’m doing the work and the reading to be better. What happened when you were here should’ve never happened, but I made it worse by not listening to you, really listening to you, and—“

“My love,” your voice stops Chris mid-ramble. That pet name. He hasn’t heard it from you in a long time. Too long, in fact. Hearing it now almost makes his heart burst. “You’ve got to stop beating yourselves up about it.”

“But aren’t you mad?” He was projecting. 

“Mad about what happened? Yeah, kinda. Mad at you? No… not anymore. I stopped being mad as soon as you did listen to me, really listen to me,” you echo his words. A small smile graces your lips, and you’re able to coax one onto his. For a moment it’s sweet. You then notice his smile disappear as the gears in his head start to overwork again.

“But then I did it again! With the shitty shit with my shitty friends. I’m sorry for my shitty friends.”

“I feel sorry for them too,” you joke with a tentative smirk.

Chris laughs, appreciating that you’re able to find humor in any moment. His chest feels a little lighter now. He thinks back to your earlier statement. “I agree; I don’t wanna do this. Cos it just feels like I’ll lose you, and I don’t want that. I want you. For as long as you’ll have me. Can you forgive me for all the stupid shit I’ve done in past few months?”

“As long as you can pardon my behavior as well.”

“Of course. I love you.”

“I love you,” you stress to him.

Chris places his arms on the table, leaning into the camera, his gorgeous face taking up more of your screen. He’s got a sort of glossed over look in his eyes as he says matter-of-fact-ly, “I wish I could kiss you right now.” There’s no suggestiveness, just a statement of a very pure desire. Yet, your face heats up at his words. You take a quick glance down and bite your bottom lip to hide your smile. 

“It’s too bad you can’t.”

“I know, I know. That’s my own fault.”

“Not gonna fight you on that.” you lightheartedly say. At least you meant it that way. Although he should’ve expected it and is usually a good sport with digs, it still… stings. He grimaces and you know that it’s just too soon.

“But maybe…” your low, sultry tone brings his attention back to you, “you could…” you purr slowly and suggestively as you lean into your computer while pouting your lip.

Chris raises his brows as his jaw slacks. “Yeah…?” 

Your mischievous smile is met with his eager one. “KISS ME THROUGH THE PHONE?!” You belt out the familiar melody, shocking Chris to point that he jumps a little in his seat. You’re in stitches, clutching your chest. You hadn’t laughed this hard in a while. You get a good belly laugh out of Chris as well, his head tilted back, the glorious sound filling your ears as the sight of all 32 of his teeth please your eyes. His spirits are instantly lifted. You love that you can make him laugh like that, it satisfies a part of your soul you were unaware of.

The two of you come down some from your laughing fit. “Cute… real cute,” sarcasm never more evident in Chris’ voice.

“Hahaha you thought you were gonna get a show! Nope, buddy… not this time.”

There’s a quick quirk of his brows at the possibility of him getting to see you in all of your hot, sexy, naked glory. His mind gets lost in the last time he had you like that: your back arched, your nails dug into his back, your legs—

“Ahem! Eyes up here dude!”

“Oh my g— I’m—“

“You’re forgiven, you’re only human,” you smile at him coyly.

Silence settles around you, as you steal glances and smiles at one another through your screens. The air is free of pleas and sighs and stupidity and jokes. Hopefulness moves in for the first time in weeks, evicting the uneasiness that had made a home out of the deepening space between you two. You just watched each other, adoringly and longingly, watching your love for each other begin again.

Part 5

[greasygyeom]

Title: Blame it on Me [Part II: Where Do We Go From Here?]

By: GreasyGyeom

Summary: what is someone supposed to do when they have to choose between the love of their life and the career of their dreams.

Word Count: 9.2k

Yugyeom x Reader / Angst, smut (kinda)..more angst. (i use noona but just pretend it’s y/n)

Warnings: Mature content please read only if 18+

Author’s Note: i am back after two weeks this is a character development guys. hope you like part II !! if you do leave an ask or write in your tags. i love hearing from you guys! tell me if it made you feel something. if there’s spelling errors, let me know hahaha. love you guys and thank you for reading.

Read Part I here

Your night burnt by slowly, filled with explanations and fake acceptances of congratulations that everyone showered you with; that you had no interest in. The only reason you stayed awake was because you were hoping Yugyeom would actually come back. Little did you know he’d been so drunk BamBam had to let him pass out on the couch and keep a bucket right next to him; because if drinking had taught him anything, the amount Yugyeom had, he was bound to throw up. 

You, poetically so, had also passed out on the couch. It was hard to believe that in the afternoon you were in a relationship, getting fucked out of your mind and by night you were single, bawling in your living room.

Still, he had to come back at some point, it was his house after all. How was he going to go to work without his clothes? BamBam for sure wasn’t going to let him stretch out his T-shirts.

Hanging onto that hope, you prepared breakfast in the morning, which unfortunately sat out cold until noon, while you face timed your best friend and let out all your pent up emotions.

She advised you to not hang onto the hope of him wanting to be with you for a few days extra. It wasn’t fair to him, because everything said and done, you were leaving. If there was a way around it, you would have done everything within your control to get that promotion without the transfer. Unfortunately the path you were going to take had been set in stone by your company. There was no space for any alterations left.

You didn’t want this to happen but really, what else were you expecting. This was never going to have a happy ending from the start.

Last week you’d wanted him to act like a douchebag so you could be bitter and cop out of being hurt over having to break up with the best guy you’d ever known. 

You finally understood why ‘be careful what you wish for’ was such a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

After your long distance chat, begrudgingly you got dressed for the office; even though you didn’t have to really go officially—you were off until you started at London next Friday—there was some paperwork that needed your signature. You wanted to get it over with so as to spend the next few days peacefully crying in bed.

Half-heartedly walking to the train station, you wondered if you’d even crossed Yugyeom’s mind since yesterday.

Maybe it was a bit selfish, but you wanted to know if he was thinking about you; or was it just you that was miserable.

He was.

Of course he was.

While he chugged a bottle of water, because his mouth felt like sandpaper, all he could worry about was how you were going to pack all your belongings in such a short amount of time, without forgetting the most important stuff; and how he was going to not lose his sanity over it. 

Ominously so, life had come such a full circle for him; because had your colleague not been a student at the academy, he would have never met you.

The work-life that brought you to him, ultimately took you away too. 

Funny how the universe works, right?

He’d drank so much alcohol the previous night in hopes of forgetting you that even an hour without your face swimming in his head would have been worth it. Yet, all night all he lamented about was how unfair it was that he was going to have to let you go.

His friend circle–that over time had also become your friend circle–had been made aware of the whole ordeal, so they knew what to expect. They were just surprised by the magnanimity of it. 

Yugyeom had never been heartbroken—at least to this extent. In the 10+ years of knowing him, he’d never expressed so many emotions in such little time to any of his friends. It was like witnessing a compressed pack of cocaine burst under high pressure; messy and not a good look for anyone.

When he woke up he already had a text from Jaebeom very sternly asking him to not come in to work until he got his shit together, several texts from Mark asking how he was feeling and to start hydrating his body immediately, and a whole essay from Jackson on how he should drop his tough guy act and be with you till it was time to go. 

He hated being called out like that.

Yugyeom: Hyung you’re supposed to be my friend and tell me I should forget her immediately. His text elicited an immediate response. 

Jackson: Listen you brat. I’m your friend that’s why I’m asking you to spend the last few days she is here with her. Because I know you and you’re going to regret this later.

Yugyeom: Tell me, how does it matter if she’s out of my life today or after five days?

Jackson: You won’t even try to stay in touch?

Yugyeom: No.

Jackson: Is that a mutual decision?

Yugyeom stopped replying after that, because now that he was sober, he was back to not being able to aptly express his feelings and he actually didn’t know the answer to that question. 

He’d thought about this so much yesterday, while in bed next to you. There was no expiration date on your time in London, there wasn’t even any guarantee that after London you’d come back—you could get transferred to anywhere in the world. That particular uncertainty had torn his heart into smithereens and had led him to end the relationship so abruptly. 

It had seemed logical yesterday.

Today? not so much.

You’d zoned out staring at a travel bag while window shopping. After your work was done you thought of giving retail therapy a shot, an endeavour that was proving to be extremely unsuccessful, for the lack of focus you were carrying with you.

A loud, screeching, honking bus on the road snapped you back to reality, but not really. You were still dazed and confused and within seconds wanted to go back home, wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place. 

You did buy three pastries and a venti on your way though, to devour your feelings once home. To discover that you’d forgotten how you lived life before Yugyeom and not understand how to combat it, was definitely taking a toll on you. The concept of being without him seemed so outlandish, it felt like a distant dream you might have had in your childhood. For now, until you found a way out of this maze, unhealthy coping mechanisms would have to do.

Truth be told, you were itching to call him. When it came to him, your ego was barely existent.

You were still plenty mad and wanted him to realise how stupid he was for not taking you up on the offer last night, of course, but you also wanted hear his voice equally badly, at the cost of him being unwilling to entertain you.

You had been postponing your urge every hour, since morning, because this time around you were reluctant to lose this battle; even though you’d already lost the war.

At 9am it was ‘Wait for another hour, maybe he’ll turn up.’ At 10am it became ‘Maybe I’ll stop by the studio’– but that was too much effort (and you were in no mood to face Jaebeom). When you were leaving for work, you baited yourself by saying you’ll call him after you were done at the office and currently you were convincing yourself to wait till you reached back home, so that at least when he ignored your calls, you could cry into a cup of tiramisu and feel better about it.

That thought was more comforting than it needed to be.

This awkwardness of not being able to wiggle your way into his life this time, was eating you inside, honestly. It’s not that you’d never had disagreements and fights before, where he’d left for Bam’s because he was too frustrated to even talk to you—in spite of him indulging his anger to a bare minimum, there had been plenty of those. But this was the only one time where saying sorry and promising to buy him chocoshakes for a week wasn’t going to cut it.

Along your route home, you bought more food—a full loaf of strawberry bread from the train station, some chips and a sandwich at the convenience store, a slice from the pizzeria nearby and finally your favourite fried chicken. Clearly, you had a lot of feelings to chew through and some days of solitude to chew them.

You hadn’t anticipated the struggle to get your apartment door to open, with all those packets hanging on your arms, trying not to spill any of the contents. What you also didn't anticipate was Yugyeom opening the door from inside, asking you to hand over some of the things you were holding.

You felt your system shut down like windows 98 being attacked by a trojan.

Was this real? Was this a delusion and you'd really just dropped everything on the floor? 

“Yu….gyeom?” You called out, afraid of not actually hearing an answer.

“Why are you still standing outside, noona?”

“Oh-uhm-I….” you fumbled, before closing the door. “This.. is-uh?? Hmm-what-what are you… doing here?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” He replied curtly.

You furrowed your brows accompanying it with frown lines on your forehead, indicative of the confusion you were unable to convey verbally. 

However, you chose not to question him further, not wanting to go wherever that interrogation would have taken you. You were more than content to see him move around at close proximity, even if it was in silence. 

There were plenty of places he could have gone, really, he didn’t have to be there if he didn’t want to; but he did want to. Oh god he’d wanted to see you so badly. More so than the hangover, it was a bizarre feeling in his chest, from the way he’d behaved with you last night, that had caused him discomfort all morning. That and Jackson’s messages. 

Was he really not even going to try to keep in touch? But then….. who likes to stay in touch with an ex? 

“Want some cake?” you asked, in an effort to dissipate the elephant in the room. “Or some other food? Pizza? You look like shit, you should probably eat something greasy.”

“You went and bought the whole shop didn’t you?” he raised his eyebrow. 

“I… did not. I was….. craving a lot of things.”

“You know, the only times you’ve bought so much food is when you’re sad about us fighting over something.”

“Well—I am sad,” you paused, “and we are fighting ... and this one seems to be the last one.”

“For now” he added and then immediately retracted his statement 

“I’m...I don’t know why I said that. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Yugyeom... baby,”

When did you even get close enough to do that, he wondered, as you cupped his face.

“I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, you know?”

He put his arms around your waist and pulled you into a tender hug, because if he looked into your eyes any deeper he would have either kissed you or teared up; and neither was a good option to choose from.

“Noona will you promise me something?” he then asked, his words heavy and morose.

“Hmm?”

“Please try your best to forget me.”

You weren’t expecting that sentence to knock the wind out of your lungs, because you weren’t expecting to hear that sentence at all.

You broke away from him, tears accumulating against your will. 

“Did you come here to hurt me, Yugyeom?”

It felt like a sword was now ominously hung above your head, when you looked at him; and it could fall at any moment and sever your head.

“Don’t take this the wrong way. I just…. I don’t know. Don’t hold onto some irrational hope or something. That’s all I meant.”

“Irrational hope? Really, of what? Getting back together someday? You wanna get rid of me and move on so fast that you want me to forget you? Is that it?”

“Don’t twist my words. That’s not what I meant. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“You think I don’t understand that this is the end for us?”

“Just ... leave it, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah you shouldn’t have.”

“But I don’t want to be the reason you hold yourself back in London. That’s all.” He yielded, not wanting to make matters any worse.

“You know what…. I was wrong to think it would be a good idea to pretend like nothing’s changed until I get on the plane. You win.” 

The anger in your tone and your deadpan face made it very clear that you were not interested in holding a conversation about this, any further. “I’m gonna go start collecting my stuff. I should be out of your apartment and your life, by tomorrow evening.”

Before Yugyeom could react, you slammed the bedroom door shut and locked yourself inside.

One second later he was banging on the door frantically.

“Noona! Come on, open the door please.

Please, baby!”

He must have stood there trying to rotate the knob, begging you to let him inside, for at least fifteen minutes before giving up and sliding onto the floor.

This was turning out to be worse than his worst nightmare.

If he knew you at all, he knew you would want to come out to smoke soon. So he sat by the door, getting annoyed at himself for saying that and at you for taking it out of context.

Before coming here, he’d asked for Jinyoung’s opinion on whether this was a good idea or not; and Jinyoung had replied asking him to not do anything foolish. He had assumed Jinyoung meant going to his house to meet you was the foolish act. Dejectedly, he typed a text.

Yugyeom: Well…. I should have listened to you. I went to see her and you were right, it was a bad idea.

Jinyoung: when did I say that was a bad idea?

Yugyeom: you said not to do anything stupid

Jinyoung: yeah, I meant don’t go there and mess it up. I didn’t mean don’t go there at all. What did you do?

Yugyeom: oh…. nothing. 

Jinyoung: I can call her and ask.

Yugyeom: No! Fuck. please don’t do that. She’s already pissed at me.

Jinyoung: what did you do

Yugyeom: I asked her to move on

Jinyoung: huh?

Yugyeom: I don’t want her to get hung up on me and us and the maybes and what ifs when she's there. Because I know she will.

Jinyoung: and what about you? Are you going to try your best to forget her?

Yugyeom paused and stared at that question for a few minutes. No…. of course not, how could he want to forget you or anything about you. Even if every memory attached to you dug into his organs like shards of glass, he’d gladly take them all to his grave. 

Yugyeom: she doesn’t need to know if I do it or not.

Jinyoung: I’m glad God gave you the gift of dance because clearly intelligence and common sense are completely lost on you. 

Yugyeom: hyung i'm really not in the mood to be insulted right now.

Jinyoung: Jackson asked you to drop your tough guy act didn’t he? She doesn’t need you to protect her. She’s never needed anyone to protect her from anything. You should stop trying to save her from whatever it is that you think you’re saving her from.

Yugyeom: I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t want her to regret going to London.

Jinyoung: How is asking to forget you a solution to that? Say hypothetically she does forget you. In a years time she doesn’t give a fuck about what you meant to her. She meets someone else and starts dating, maybe even gets engaged. Would that make you happy?

Yugyeom: No. But she’ll be happy. 

Jinyoung: that’s your problem. You’re assuming that forgetting you and finding a new life would make her happy. 

Yugyeom: Well won’t it? Idk I just don’t want her to be hung up on us and if she gets stuck on it, I don’t think she will be. 

Jinyoung: You just said you don’t wanna move on so then why the fuck are you forcing it on her?

Yugyeom: hyung she doesn’t need to know how miserable I am. Without knowing that whenever she sees me she apologises to me. if she gets to know how much I want her to stay I’m scared she’ll turn down the promotion. She’s already thought about not going.

Jinyoung: let her make her own decisions? Right now you’re lying to her. I’m 95% sure she’s pissed because you’re trying to act unfazed by all of this.

Jinyoung: Just this one time, try to not bottle up how you’re feeling.

Jinyoung: tell her you have no interest in moving on. Be honest, man.

Jinyoung: and just saying, asking the ‘love of your life’, who calls you ‘the love of her life’, to forget you after 12 hours of breaking up is a shitty thing to do. She should have kicked you in the balls. 

He typed up a stingy reply to that but, before he could send it, the sound of you unbolting the door from inside distracted him. Hurriedly, he stood up, to catch hold of you. 

“Yugyeom, leave me alone. You got what you wanted?”, you spoke frostily.

“Are you going to smoke?”

“Are you going to stop me?”

“No.. But I wish you’d hear me out. Let me say my piece and if you’re still pissed, I’ll leave. I promise.”

After opening the window sill and lighting your cigarette, you waited for him to start. Your face was red and hurting from crying so incessantly, but you were determined to not let your emotions get the best of you, in front of him. At least, not right now. 

“When I asked you to forget me, I didn’t mean… you know, erase me from your memory or whatever. I meant give yourself a proper chance at happiness, when you’re there.”

You gave him no expressions.

“Like… I’m not dying to move on. This is killing me. I don't want us to come to an end. I even thought of giving long distance another shot… or like you know….maybe just keep in touch. But every time I thought about it, it was too painful. So I couldn’t ask you to do that because I…. didn’t wanna do that.” 

Saying that out loud made him realise how selfish he sounded. He continued his monologue when you wordlessly stood still and puffed away.

“I wanted to pretend like this isn’t hurting me, but I’m so miserable, noona. I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t even want to know how to live without you. But, I want you to live your life without me; which is hypocritical, I guess, but that’s why I asked you to forget me.”

“That’s really fucking unfair.” you interrupted. “You’re planning things for me without asking what I want. That’s not how it works. If I want to move on or not, is my decision. If I want to be miserable over you or not, is my decision. If I want to live my best life in London or not, again, is my decision. I have never loved anyone like I’ve loved you, Yugyeom; so what you asked of me was just cruel. I know I want to live in a fantasy until I have no option but to accept the outcome. I know it’s not a good way to deal with things. How could you even think  that forgetting you would ever be an option?

“I’m sorry” he pursed his lips and looked at the floor.

“When I said we have five more days, I wanted to play pretend. I was just trying to live in this denial bit longer. 

“Then… can I live in that denial with you?”

“No, I’m sorry, I gotta pack and hand over the house to the owner by tomorrow.”

“I’m sure the owner will understand if you’re delayed by a day or two or four.”

“I’m tired of running around in circles with you man”, you sighed. “No matter how this turns out, I will never not love you. Maybe in ten years time you’ll be with some other girl and I’ll be with some other dude, even then I will probably, in some capacity, still love you. And I get it if you don’t want to feel the same way, you don’t have to. But don’t ask me not to.”

“Thinking about you with someone else really fucking hurts.” he admitted, feeling a knot tighten in his throat.

“It hurts me too but you’re the one so fucking adamant about moving on like it’s gonna happen in 2 days.”

“Are you still angry?”

“Yeah, of course... but I can let it slide if you promise to forget about me.” 

“Haha very funny.”

You chuckled and he wasted no time in giving you a kiss on the forehead.

“The only thing I can promise you is that I’ll love you till I die.”

“No one is dying, baby.”

“Without you, I just might.”

“Jaebeom won’t let that happen, you’re the second reason his studio has clients.”

“What’s the first?”

“Jaebeom, obviously.”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes at you. “He’s going to have to be the only reason, till next week because I’m stuck to you till you get on that plane.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not letting you leave that room for the next 100 hours, starting now.”

He didn’t give you much time to process his words, as he picked you up to take you into the bedroom. You tried to fake-protest to the best of your capabilities, but truth be told there was no better feeling than hiding your face in the crook of his neck; while he effortlessly carried you in.

Making his intentions for the night perfectly clear, he took off his shirt.

“Wait-wait-wait!” you yelped, pinned under his lithe form. “All the food is on the table, I'll be damned if that Tiramisu goes to waste. I’ll be back in five.”

“Make it three.”

“Okay baby.”

Then you kissed him on the nose and ran out.

Since your last reconciliation, you'd spent most of your time in bed, mostly without clothes, wrapped in Yugyeom’s arms; savouring every kiss, every touch, trying to save these ending moments in your memory, so you could replay them over and over again at the end of this week when all this would inevitably be over. Your departure was three days away and the fact that you were still unpacked was beginning to weigh down on you heavily. You were at a point where you couldn’t really avoid it any more; even though it was antithetical to the denial you’d built your cozy house in.

As much anxiety you had regarding leaving and not wanting to deal with that, there was an equal amount of anxiety related to not being prepared ahead of time. It was a lose-lose situation either way, with consequences that weren’t susceptible to change. So, you decided to rip the bandaid completely, to avoid running around like a headless chicken at the last minute.

You didn’t have to deal with the furniture, at least, because even though some of it was bought together, Yugyeom owned the apartment. You just had to sort through your clothes and products.

He wasn't the most excited at the thought of seeing you empty out the house. 

“Do you know your living situation in London?” he asked, trying to hold up a conversation.

“Yeah…they’re giving me a furnished apartment as part of the deal.”

“Wait no rent?”

“Uh-huh”

“Woah that’s amazing.” The lack of excitement completely contradicted his statement. “And who’s gonna help you set up and stuff? Won’t you need help?”

“Uhm... mum’s already gonna be there when I land. Not at the apartment, obviously, but…. in London.”

“Aah. Ok ok. It’ll be good, you haven’t seen your parents in a long time”

“Hmm I guess.”

“And your visas and shit?”

“Yeah my passport’s with the company, they’ll sort it all out and hand it to me on the day of the flight.”A

Yugyeom felt like he’d accidentally stepped on an emotional land mine. 

He was already gutted about seeing his closet empty, and now hearing your monotone voice just upset him even further. But he didn’t want to show how sad this was making him either, because then you would probably cry.

It was really frustrating.

He quickly made up an excuse to leave for a bit. “Is it okay if I go to the studio, Jaebeom hyung needs me to sort through some assessments. But if you need me to stay, I’ll tell him something.”

”No, it’s okay. I have to face time Ishi anyway. I haven't spoken to her in a hot minute. And Jae has been more than patient this past week. I’ll try to be done soon too. It’ll probably take me 4-5 hours.”

Oh.

 “I’ll definitely be back by then.”

“Or… maybe I can meet you at the station and we can go to Naksan?”

He gave you an affirmative forced grin, kissed you on the forehead and headed to the studio to redirect all the aggression he was so suddenly full of.

Just knowing that you’d be leaving a giant gaping hole in his life, was driving him nuts. He wasn’t sure if he could keep up his end of the bargain any longer. You at least would get to start over a new life, in a new place with new faces. But he was going to have to pick up pieces of his life that he knew you were about to leave behind shattered; and never look back at 

Your fragrance lingered in every corner of his apartment. His bathroom smelt like your shampoo, his closet smelt like your body spray and cigarettes, his bed.… how was he ever going to exorcise your memories out of his bed? His king size bed that had not seen a dip on the right side up until you had waltzed into his life. Everything was going to remind him of you. His favourite restaurants, clubs, hideaways—it was overwhelming him. 

“Aah fuck” he mumbled to himself, absent-mindedly walking into the studio - much to Jaebeom’s surprise.

“I thought you weren’t coming in?”

“She’s packing. I’ll break something if I have to sit through it.”

“Don’t break anything here.”

“Maybe my bones.”

“The third room is empty.”

He was barely going to be able to concentrate on whatever choreography he was going to try, but he acknowledged Jaebeom and locked himself inside.

Jaebeom also felt rather incompetent to handle the situation, since he’d never seen this volatile and mostly upset side of Yugyeom. So he just let the kid do whatever he wanted to. No one knows what to do until you actually start doing it, right? Jinyoung would probably disapprove of this philosophy, but he wasn’t there to voice his objections, so too bad!

When dancing, Yugyeom barely ever understood the concept of time, so between choosing a song, researching some new styles, to mentally animating the possible formations, 4 hours flew by. He yelped and hurriedly ran to his phone, hoping he wasn’t already late.

You sighed heavily at the other end of the call “no... I’m still working through the pile. It’s probably going to take me two hours more.”

“It’ll be too dark to go to Naksan then.”

“Yeah…. I guess. Just come home?”

“It’ll take me some more time at the studio though.”

“That’s okay, take your time. It’s a mess here anyway.”

“Hmm… I’ll see you later then, noona.”

And he went back to focusing on perfecting the new moves, even harder than before, because otherwise your voice would keep ringing in his ears. He could hear how disheartened you already sounded and he wanted to be there for you, but he had to take care of his own feelings first, before he could take care of yours.

He didn’t know he could feel such a foul mood, but that’s what his days had recently been made of. All he’d done was get blackout drunk, fight and then fuck; this wasn’t a routine he recognised at all.

It was almost nine in the night when he entered the house, fully expecting to see you still having a rough time with a mountain of clothes next to you. Surprisingly, he found you passed out next to an empty cup of coffee.

He peeked inside the bedroom and his eyes immediately went to the two giant suitcases stacked in the corner and a cardboard box balanced on top of them.

His closet now housed his bare minimum collection of T-shirts and sweatpants and the bathroom was entirely stripped of its former glory. It was depressing. He took a quick shower and considered slumping onto the bed, knowing full well he should wake you up and make you eat something.

Who was going to feed you actual healthy food in London, with him not around? Because if you had it your way, you’d call a bag of chips dinner and call it a day.

He tried with everything he had, to not care about it and went back into the bedroom, fully determined to go to sleep. Perhaps it was his frustration towards the situation that was garnering such a petty reaction. But then he thought about it for five minutes more and felt like an absolute asshole. Why was he taking this out on you? It’s not like you deliberately caused it. It’s not even like he wanted you to stay for him.

He shook his head almost aggressively, as if trying to physically shake off the bad thoughts and went back out, to do what he actually should have done as soon as he came home.

You’d fallen asleep in the most haphazard position; your head resting on your arms on the kitchen island top, and your body stretched out on the chair. It didn’t look comfortable whatsoever.

He nudged you gently, “noona?”

You barely even stirred.

“Wake up, baby”. The butterflies he gave you, at such close proximity, made you open your eyes. 

“What time is it?” you groaned, lifting your head the slightest bit.

“It’s almost 10.”

You did a little cat stretch. “Did you just get back?”

“No... it’s been a bit, I took a shower and everything”.

“Oh… okay. I was planning on taking a bath too” you trailed off, yawning through the rest of the sentence.

“I’ll make something for us till then.”he replied, thinking about what they could eat, but his chain of thought was disturbed by a phone call.

“Oh hyung, yo.” you heard him say. His energy seemed so low.

“Wait right now? I don’t know hyung.”

Inquisitively you tilted your head and he handed you the phone. The quota of patience he had for the day was very low. 

You could see Jackson’s name on the screen and you greeted him accordingly.

“You wanna chill here?” You repeated, simultaneously gesturing to Yugyeom about his thoughts on the matter at hand. 

He shrugged indecisively and you came to the realisation that you hadn’t actually thought of when you’d say your final goodbyes to Jackson, or in fact anyone else except for Yugyeom; so now seemed like as good a time as any.

“Yeah cool, how long will you take?”

With his patience running on thin ice, the man standing in front of you frowned, but you pretended to not notice it. Instead, you stretched and headed for the shower, avoiding his gaze. Yugyeom’s energy was all over the place and you were lowkey glad you wouldn’t have to deal with it by yourself.

You thought about planning your day tomorrow and meeting at least some of the people you cared about. What you hadn’t expected was Jackson bringing most of those people to you.

Half an hour after the phone call, your living room was at full capacity. It wasn’t even that many people honestly, just your usual hang-out group - a mixture of your and Yugyeom’s combined friend list, but your living room looked full. 

Yugyeom was even more displeased than before, but managed to hide it by holding onto a bottle of beer, like it was crucial to his existence.

“He didn’t say he was coming with…. everyone.” You sheepishly expressed. 

“It’s fine. At least you get to meet most of your friends.”

“Yeah I guess, i was just thinking about it.”

You get distracted by a hand on your shoulder, “thinking about what?” Bambam asked

“Meeting some people before leaving.” You repeated.

“Ooh depressing.” 

“That’s one way to look at it.” You gave him a deadpan stare, unimpressed by his poor timing.

Yugyeom took the opportunity to wander off to his other friends, most of whom were gathered around the table of food, in front of the TV.

Some random nonsense movie was playing that Mark and his girlfriend were really invested in. He considered sitting next to them but he was not sure when they’d start making out, so he parked himself next to Jaebeom instead. His head was heavier in that moment than it had been in the morning, when he’d left. He couldn’t leave right now though, Jackson would beat his ass.

So he settled for eating silently and drinking slowly, in his little corner.

Meanwhile, you were trying to keep up a brave face. Jackson had already repeated himself at least thrice, saying how much he was going to miss you and it was getting more and more difficult to hold your tears. 

Taking a large gulp of the wine you had in your hand, you told him you were going to miss him a lot too and gave him a partial hug.

There was no scope of hiding from the reality of the situation anymore.

Two days later no one in this room was going to physically be a part of your life. Just two days. All you wanted to do was find Yugyeom and bury your head in his chest, like the ostrich that you were.

You took in some really deep breaths and poured yourself more booze, in the hopes of turning it around and becoming chipper.

Inevitability should be accepted or else life begins to feel like a drag…. no?

Alcohol made it a lot easier for you to bury the sadness that came with your unofficial ‘bon voyage’ celebration. A part of you was also suddenly scared to approach Yugyeom. You studied his face carefully, discreetly, while seated on the couch. Get togethers usually made him hyper, yet here he was looking into his phone like he was studying for a phd degree.

Even though there was an overwhelming urge to go and talk to him, you decided against it. If he wasn’t feeling some type of way, he would not have isolated himself like that and you knew you were partially to blame for it 

You indulged in more cocktails, talked to your friends and somewhere in the middle of all this chatter, Jackson, for the nth time commenced a relay of toasts addressed to you. Really on brand of him to talk about his feelings like that but because you were caught so off-guard you started crying.You weren’t prepared for this kind of emotional haranguing.

Yugyeom hated every minute of it. He didn’t want to hear over and over again that you were leaving, or see you cry. He should have declined Jackson’s proposition when he had the chance to, but now he had to deal with long speeches almost all of which included him too. He felt his lungs constrict like he was about to drown. Jaebeom gave him a comforting pat on the back and passed him a new bottle of soju. 

From time to time he looked at you but avoided eye contact. He knew he should have been next to you, hugging and comforting you, he just couldn’t bring himself upto the task. It was that same resentment he had felt earlier today that made him respond in this fashion. All he wanted was this night to end and for everyone to leave. But then again, maybe this was better because he didn’t have to be alone with you. 

You cried for a good hour while everyone told you they were going to miss you. There were long hugs and accelerating levels of inebriation involved. You promised to text everyone back because at that moment you had no proper words to say and you wanted to tell them all so much. 

By the time you crossed your threshold of tipsy to near blackout drunk, it was almost daybreak. The sun was just beginning to peek at you from behind the mountains. 

Yugyeom was in a worse shape than you, so Jackson and Jinyoung decided to clean up a bit, as your parting gift; trying to rope in Bambam in.

“No way. I know what’s coming after she leaves. I deserve a break before donning my emotional clean up crew role.”

“Don’t lie, you’re both just going to drink.” 

“Yes and drown him in his sorrows. This is how you clean out emotions. He’s gonna drink and cry.”

“That’s the worst way to deal with anything.” Jackson rolled his eyes

“Hyung…. you work out and write music, he drinks and dances. It’s not really all that different.”

“It’s not the same either though. If I feel something I don’t carry it with me. All he does is let it eat him until he forgets it or explodes.”

Can you debate about this later and help me carry him to the bedroom?” Jaebeom interrupted. 

Jackson handed the empty bottles to Jinyoung and got to the task of shifting Yugyeom’s large body from the couch.

“Just him?” Bambam asked

“I already tucked her in,” Jaebeom replied. “We should get out of here soon.”

“Yeah, I still have to go to work. Can’t believe Youngjae and Mark left me alone.” Jinyoung complained, trying to make as little noise as possible while trashing the garbage.

With a lot of difficulty, Jackson was able to plonk Yugyeom on the bed. Jaebeom studied you both before heaving a sigh. The peaceful look on your faces was not an accurate testament to your respective behaviours prior to passing out. But there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He kept a trash bag and a bottle of water each near your nightstands before leaving. 

At least he could hope that when you wake up, you’d feel better.

... You didn’t.

The splitting headache you were experiencing was really on another level when combined with your sandpaper mouth. Thankfully things were conveniently placed around you because if you had to walk to the kitchen to drink water right now you'd rather die of thirst than get up. Your attention turned to the man next to you, his porcelain skin tempting you to kiss him or at least stroke his face, but you resisted. 

You finished the whole bottle and gently lowered yourself back into the bed, lying awake with throbbing pains radiating from various places. 

Yugyeom made a cute sound in his sleep, making your heart jump. It was nearly impossible to not want to scoot closer to him. He hadn’t given you a hug in all of twenty four hours and you were already about to lose your mind.

How you were going to survive without him was really beyond your comprehension.

You just lightly touched your fingers to his palm and closed your eyes, hoping you’d fall back to sleep. The next thing you knew he had one arm around you and was pulling you into his chest; aligning his body with yours. His soft breaths landing on the back of your neck, making you shiver.

“Feeling okay?” He asked in his hoarse, morning voice. 

“Hmm…”

You could feel his lips moving against your skin as he spoke, making you melt in his embrace. Your heartbeat accelerated and he held onto you even tighter. 

Melancholy hung in the air, much like Christmas decorations in December; he could feel it. Your legs intertwined and he heard a faint sob.

There was nothing he could say that would change the atmosphere. It was time to burst the bubble, so he let you cry, and he cried too.

Head buried in your back, he whispered, “noona…. please will you leave a hoodie of yours with me?”

You nodded and kissed his hand. 

“I love you.” He said and the both of you went back to sleep. 

It was almost evening when he finally woke up. You weren’t in bed anymore, his head was hammering to a tune of it’s own, in spite of having medicated in the morning, and his body was craving water. Staggering, he made his way to the kitchen and found you in a semi-messy situation with cooking paraphernalia all over the counter.

“Oh? What is happening here”. It sounded like he was concerned but he was really only a bit confused. 

“making some sandwiches.”

“Suddenly? Why? We could have just ordered.”

“Yeaaah I don’t know, just felt like it.”

He smiled, because you looked so cute in that apron. His mood was foul but looking at you made it better. He chugged some water while you emptied the pan and he was overcome with the urge to hug you.

You were caught off-guard when he put his arms around you, but you reciprocated his gesture. It was difficult for you to look him in the eyes because you weren’t sure if, for the hundredth time, you'd end up crying. He cupped your face and nudged you to see him, the sincerity in his face…. all the love he wanted to shower you with right then.

He kissed you slowly, taking his time to taste the light traces of your strawberry lip balm. You didn'’t know what spells he used to get you turned on so fast. Threading your fingers with his hair, you deepen the kiss. The urgency that took over him was maddening. He wanted you right now, which he made abundantly clear when he slipped his left hand under your T-shirt and began caressing your boobs; his other hand gripping your hair and pulling it sharply. 

There was air caught up in your lungs as he kissed your neck, like you’d temporarily forgotten how to breathe. Low moans began to escape your lips and you squeezed your thighs together. You were so wet, just with his mildly aggressive kisses.

He knew what he was doing to you when he felt your lower body clench and both his hands slid back down to grab your butt.

The kiss got sloppier as your focus dwindled to his boner, your fingers already caressing it over his sweatpants. He bit your lip in response, pushed you against the kitchen island and aimed to remove your clothes. You were still in your flannel and shorts from the night before, so he fumbled a bit on the buttons. His accuracy was failing him because you weren't stroking him over the sweatpants anymore; he could feel your hand sliding over his skin, purposefully slow and tender. His eyes were barely open, your lips were still locked and he was trying to get you naked without actually seeing what he was doing. He grunted helplessly when you touched the tip of his cock. Wet sounds of you stroking his length, mixed in with his shallow breaths and moans, filled the kitchen. 

He nibbled on your neck, as your movements accelerated. With your non-dominant hand you tried your best to remove his sweatpants, but he stopped you.

“Turn around.” He whispered, pulling your hand away. The way he seduced you with his demanding voice and bedroom eyes, you gave in without a fight. You bucked your hips and grabbed the closest edge of the marble top. He bit your neck, gently sucking at the skin caught between his lips, until it looked bruised and then he moved on further down, while dry humping your ass, one hand firmly placed on your waist. A small gasp escaped your lips when his fingers slipped inside your panties. Automatically, you spread your legs wide, to let him access the delicate parts. 

He could smell your shampoo mixed in with your intoxicating scent and it was sending him over the moon as he played with your wet and sensitive clit.

“Good girl” he praised, when you pushed your ass further into his boner, craving to feel it bare.

You hummed, his thin and long fingers dancing to the tune of your arousal. He fingered you slowly and deliberately, and it was excruciating. 

It was the last time he was going to get to feel you. Tomorrow you'd be gone. It made him angry and sad. It made him desperate. 

You could feel his aggression in the way his lips collided onto yours with force, the way his nails dug into your skin, the way his body was stiff and wrapped around you in a solid cage.

His hold on you tightened and he spun you around again, to face him. He wanted to make sure you never forgot how he made you feel; so that no other man would ever be enough for you because he set that bar up so high. He wanted to spoil the idea of being pleased again by anyone else, for you. Maybe it was toxic to think that way, but he was already letting go of you.

He had no choice but to let go of you. The train of thought he'd gotten on made his brain short circuit and switch off. He wasn't aroused anymore and everything was blurry and confusing. Before he could stop himself, he took a step back.

“Don't leave me, noona.” He said in a small voice, looking at the floor.

The words crash on you like a violent wave. 

You wished he'd stayed looking at the tiles, because when he looked up, you felt the guilt of having accidentally run over a puppy. There was sadness and shame and anger and you didn't know which emotion to address first.

“Yugs….”

So many words swirled in your brain but your lips were sewn shut.

“So, I guess that's a no.”

“What are you trying to do, Yugyeom?”

“Oh well, It was worth a try.” He chuckled, rather bitterly.

What else was he expecting would happen.

Life is not a movie scene; the girl doesn't quit on her career for the boy, in real life. But was it valid for him to feel the sting that persistently worsened as you two stood opposite each other uncomfortably? He knew this was going to happen. He chose it with you. Hell, he chose it for you even. While he was trying to rationalise his own resentments, you straightened yourself up and started putting the buttons of your shirt back in place. 

“I don't know what you want to hear from me, Yugs. You know I don't want to leave you. And you don't want to come with me.”

Shit, that stung him even more.

“I have to leave for the airport in 12 hours so do we have to be like this?” You asked defeatedly. 

He shook his head and you extended your arms, waiting for him to fall into them.

“I'm really sorry we have to end this way.”

In his experience, there was no safer feeling than being held by you, but right now it was the root cause of all the knives ruthlessly jammed in his chest.

Nonetheless, he hugged you and exhaled pure agony.

“I'm gonna go take a shower. Maybe afterwards, if you feel like it, we can go get some drinks?” You asked cautiously.

“Yeah… I’d like that” he lied, as he let go. Truth be told, he couldn't look past the multiple ‘last times’ anymore. The last time he could hug you, the last time he could fuck you, the last time he could hear your voice… he couldn't do any of it. He didn't want to do any of it. He didn't want this for the last time. He heard you close the door to the bathroom and started fixing his appearance however he could, grabbed his wallet and phone and headed out. If he stayed in that house for a second more he felt he'd choke and die. He was trying to run away from the toxic fumes his own thoughts were emitting, and there was nowhere to hide from them, so he tried to leave them behind. 

His brisk walk turned into a sprint and then he ran as fast as he could towards the subway station. And just like that he vanished into the sea of anonymity, nowhere to be found.

Four hours had gone by since you'd come out of your shower to a deserted house and a singular message from Yugyeom. “Sorry noona, I can't do this.”

it felt like a cruel déjà vu.

His phone wasn't reachable. Bambam had no idea, neither did Jaebeom. You were much too confused to react in any appropriate manner.

“He left” You said to Jaebeom, who was equally confused and infuriated.

It seemed like you'd already connected the dots as to Yugyeom’s unavailability but a part of you was holding onto some hope.

“I'm sure he's gonna show up dude.”

“I have to leave in like 3 more hours. He wouldn't have left if he planned to show up.”

“He's definitely not at Bam’s?”

“Jae…. unless I was being lied to, he's not there. And i don't think Bam has any reason to do that.”

“Okay. Keep me posted.”

“Yeah” you sighed. 

You were neither angry, nor sad and you had good reason to experience both those emotions at once, but the way your brain had switched itself to autopilot, everything had just become a matter of necessity. 

You tried Yugyeom’s number once again, and weren't even surprised anymore when you heard the automated switched off message. 

While scanning the room your eyes fell upon your suitcases and your heart dropped 6 feet further than where it was already at.

You had to leave soon.

The silence had already been gnawing at your sanity, now it was overpowering guilt because if you had just said no, none of this would have happened. If you had just said no to the promotion. If you had tried harder for Seoul. If you had chosen to stay when Yugyeom asked you to, then the chain of events would have been different. Maybe, if he'd not run away from this whole situation you could have figured out a solution. But he wasn't here and you were running out of time.

A high pitched buzzer cut through the atmosphere, giving you a jump scare. For a second you thought maybe it was Yugyeom, but why would he need to ring the bell.

You saw Jackson's silhouette in the little alarm system by the door and sighed. 

“You look so unhappy to see me.” He huffed, when you greeted him dryly.

“Gee Jackson, sorry I'm upset about Yugyeom literally bailing on me when I have to leave in an hour.”

“Wait what? He's not back?” 

“No…..i don't know where he is.”

“And he's still not answering?”

“I tried about 50 times, it's off. Anyway, how come you're here?” 

It was comical how distraught you were internally and how inept you were at translating your emotions externally. The way you were talking, no one would think you were in this sad sad situation of leaving your life behind to start a new one.

“You don't remember asking me to drop you off?”

“Was I drunk?”

“Well…. tipsy maybe?”

“I was definitely drunk. I don't remember any of it. But, I'm glad you're here.”

“Are you…. packed?”

“Yeah, I just got the last batch of clothes I need to shove in.”

“Cool. You have anything to eat?”

“I made some sandwiches in the evening. Have at it.”

You were trying your best to be normal. A few minutes later Bambam and Jaebeom arrived as well, both without any worthwhile news of Yugyeom.

“I'm gonna kill him when I see him.” Jaebeom raged.”this is very childish.”

“It's fine man…. i know why he just vanished. It's okay. I'm not mad.” 

“Bro are you…. Hearing yourself?”

“Very clearly. He was never good with confrontational emotions. He didn't want to see me leave so he left. It's not rocket science.” 

“You went through your stages of grief really fast with this one.” 

“I didn't have an option.” you looked at the three of them sitting around you “So…. are all of you taking me to the airport?”

“Yeah, duh.” Bambam countered.

“Okay then wait for me in the car, I need to say bye to the house.”

“And you can't do that in front of us?” 

“Would you rather get uncomfortable watching me cry?”

Honestly, you were just prolonging it, the actual act of leaving. You felt so heavy when Jaebeom rolled your suitcases out. In passing you looked at your two favourite hoodies you'd left on the bed and it took everything out of you to not have an emotional breakdown right at that moment.

It was difficult, leaving was difficult especially without Yugyeom. You were in denial of your feelings but you were so angry at him but also so sorry towards him, your emotions kept cancelling each other out. You just wanted to hug him one last time and get the closure you were hoping to get but he took that option away from you. In your three year relationship, this was maybe the most cruel he’d ever been with you. But it was over now. This chapter was done, even with all of its loose ends.

You took your time saying your final byes to three of the most important people you'd met in Seoul. It was quite impressive that you didn't burst out in tears, even when Bam and Jae almost did. There was a part of you that was distracted by a hope that he'd be at the airport to see you off. When he wasn't at the main gates, you hoped he'd be there at check-in. While walking towards your departure gate you kept an eye out, hoping to catch a glimpse of his smile. You just wanted to say goodbye. But he never came. You sat glued to your spot, because what if he did try to find you and you weren't there. You boarded your flight at the very end. You gave an imaginary him all the imaginary chances you could, to materialise and tie a neat ribbon around your life in Seoul.

But your flight took off and the last shred of hope you had snapped and so did you.

Because life isn't a movie. Just like the girl doesn't leave her career, the boy doesn't run through the airport either. 

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[ducktales-wco-oo]

✩ { @calvinsmuses​​​ } ✩ - Continued from ★

{ ☆ } He’s calling them by that name. 

Even now, when he’s doing what Jayden KNOWS he is trying to do again, Carroll calls them by that name. Like it still means something. Like it somehow is supposed to make what he’s about to say okay. Like he hasn’t called Jayden that for years, held them and comforted them and supposedly loved them for years and PROMISED years more... and is now about to break that promise. Those many promises. Again... 

How is it that Jayden can be certain he could never feel worse than he does at a moment— like the first time he was kicked out of a home, or the second time he was 'returned’ and realized that the problem may be him, or the time when he realized he couldn’t recall how many families it had been... the time he decided that it didn’t matter anymore... that it couldn’t matter anymore if he was going to survive... that time when he broke his own rule and allowed himself to think someone might actually want him around for good- only to believe that he didn’t.

But here he is... small and pathetic and dangerously-close to shattering right in front of the man he both wanted to believe he COULD break in front of, and yet now doesn’t think he should. Because if he does, if Jayden allows himself to splinter into the millions of pieces he can feel stabbing at his heart— puncturing his lungs and making it difficult to breathe, causing his chest to feel like it may concave until he disappears into himself entirely —then he’ll simply be proving what Carroll is unwittingly telling him... 

That Jayden is not good enough.

If Jayden was, this wouldn’t be a problem. Carroll wouldn’t feel the need to push them away AGAIN. Wouldn’t think that Jayden is so pitiful, so helpless that they can’t survive some long distance. That they’re so emotionally weak, they NEED the constant attention. The constant hugs and kisses and... and maybe they have grown dependent on it. Have gotten accustomed to Carroll being there for them— aside from that time when he wasn’t —and now... Now the thought of being without Carroll is an unthinkable as losing a limb. Worse than that honestly. He could make due without an arm, or a leg, or Hell- even his sight; stubbornness likely being more than enough for them to continue pursuing a career in design. But being without Carroll in their life... it feels as if they’d be giving it up entirely.

Because Carroll is as ingrained within it as breathing... Always has been, since they first met if Jayden is being honest; even if at the start he’d been reluctant to allow the new duckling to get too close. But somehow, Carroll had wormed his way in... and stayed there. Throughout everything that came and went in Jayden’s life, and the friends that followed who also managed to stay despite Jayden’s expectations, Carroll was the constant... Maybe Carroll’s right. Maybe his life would be better without Jayden in it. He just NEEDS to ‘learn not to love him’. 

Needs to learn not to love him. For ‘their’ sanity. Carroll’s sanity. Because loving Jayden just doesn’t work... It doesn’t work. It never works. It doesn’t work and Carroll needs to build his own life. Jayden hadn’t been aware that the one he was living right now was so shitty. That Jayden wasn’t part of his actual plan. That the life Carroll REALLY wanted doesn’t have them in it. Forever... What a fucking joke. And Jayden was the idiot who believed it... and throughout it all, Carroll still keeps saying that he LOVES them. Keeps showering them with empty praise and flowery prose, nervous and fumbled as it may be... Like it’s supposed to help matters.

All it does is prove to Jayden that they really are worthless... If someone like Carroll— sensitive and sweet and on the verge of tears... and yet still smart enough to know that Jayden isn’t someone to settle for —doesn’t have it in himself to want them around, then who would? Who should? ... They loved Carroll. Love him... Allowed themselves to TRUST in him, to let their walls down... to not worry about being anything but themselves... and look what that got them? They drove him away. Proved everyone else right. Made it to where even Carroll realized that as much as he might claim to love holding them and kissing them and taking comfort in their company... they weren’t good enough for ‘forever’. Not by a long-shot.

And yet Jayden knows that if they aren’t careful, they’ll try anyway. 

Pleas for Carroll to stay already lie on the tip of their tongue, Jayden swallowing thickly as if that will shove them down. But they simply lodge in their throat alongside their heart, an uncomfortable sensation that rivals the twisting in their guts and the burning in their eyes, Carroll’s form blurred beyond recognition as tears overtake hues of green. He’s going to cry. He already knows it... There’s no mistaking the way they overflow and drip down his cheeks, flattening fluffy feathers with streaks that scald. But if he’s going to cry, then he damn well isn’t going to beg while doing it. Isn’t going to make Carroll think even LESS of him than he already does. Isn’t going to shatter only for Carroll to step over the pieces and OUT the door... 

He might be crying... but they can still yell while doing it. 

They have to.

They have to do something.

❝  Do I know?  ❞  Words sound so broken that at first, Jayden isn’t even certain he spoke them; quiet and shaky and taking every ounce of effort he has just to pass his lips. Fists balled at his sides to hide the way hands want to fidget with the end of his hoodie or sleeves — a nervous tick he was never able to shake —chest shakes with labored breaths, it taking all of Jayden’s willpower to speak through the suffocating sobs that linger just beneath the surface. But talking seems to be keeping the worst at bay... So he keeps talking. Whatever that may bring.  ❝  Because all I REALLY know is that this is the second time you’ve decided to break your promise. Forever and always was nothing but a- a bunch of CRAP!  ❞

❝  And I never even asked you to make it!  ❞  Granted, Jayden had been the one to mention ‘always’ first. But they never forced Carroll to make that promise in return... Still, that doesn’t stop cheeks from flooding with warmth— shame and embarrassment mingling together into the feeling of wanting the floor to swallow them whole —Jayden unable to keep from putting most of the blame on themself for bringing it up at all. Even if Carroll had repeatedly hammered that point in afterward, Jayden had opened the gates. They had allowed this to happen... They had been STUPID enough to believe it meant something.  ❝  YOU did that! You did everything! You’re the one who said you loved me! You’re STILL saying it! Like- Like what? That’s supposed to make this better? Supposed to make it OKAY that you’ve spent years stringing me along like some idiot who actually thought that- that... ❞

No. He can’t stop. Don’t stop... Keep going. 

❝  Y-You should have just left me THE HELL ALONE!  ❞  Voice trembles, expression more pained than the anger Jayden wants to convey. Confused... Betrayed. Glossy eyes focused on Carroll as if answers can even be found, he weakly continues,  ❝  Why didn’t you just stay away the first time? You LEFT me and then- then you said you missed me... and now you’re saying you’ll be better off without me and I fucking KNOW THAT! I know that and I knew that and I- I... You don’t get to just- You don’t get to say you love me and... and DO this... again....  ❞  Losing steam, all Jayden wants to do is curl up in his bed and sob until his voice finally gives out and he won’t have to hear the wretched sound. But glossy glare remains riveted on Carroll, unwilling to lose whatever time he may have left to see him,  ❝  So don’t- don’t give me that CRAP about how great I am or any other flowery, poetic bullshit. Because we both know you’re just talking out of your ass like you ALWAYS do.  ❞

❝  You know... I’m used to people deciding I’m not worth their fucking time. I expect it. And yeah, it’s kinda shitty to tell someone they’re a lost cause, or just not worth the effort of helping, or god forbid- aren’t ‘fit for a family’ -whatever the FUCK that is supposed to mean.  ❞  Jayden hurriedly gripes, air quotes accompanying phrases they’d been told far too often through their life... Breath hitching, fresh tears brim as Jayden bitterly spats,  ❝  But at least those assholes had the decency to be upfront with me! Not make me the fucking dumbass who thought things might be different, when everyone else probably read the writing on the wall the FIRST time Mr. ‘Forever-And-Always’ wanted to play tongue twister with some theater tramp!  ❞  { ☆ } 

[borisbubbles]

17. CZECH REPUBLIC

Benny Christo - “Kemama”

So first off, thank you for the nice commens. 😇The past few months haven’t been the happiest time for me, so thank you for your patience as I scraped my bearings together for another post! 😁

So I will now extend that same sympathy to Benny Christo, whom I think I damn fucking underrated. Let’s jump in~

ENTRY ANALYSIS

As one may expect i INSTANTLY liked “Kemama” because you know, it’s a fun, laid-back, tropical afro-breeze, completely different from anything else we would see in NFs and the year. EXACTLY the type of song I was hoping the Czech NF would deliver (and deliver they did, see NF Corner). This level of mild like swung into strong unironic like upon realizing that the title is a contraction of “Okay Mother” 😍 and the song deals with the subject of overcoming racially-tinged discrimination and rising above the hate. That just feels very poetic and apt? “Kemama” felt like the entry that had to overcome the highest odds in order to earn the respect it so fully deserves, and still hasn’t fully reached it.

.In our Western European bubble, comprised mostly of gays and left-liberal straights, we have a very grateful and universal acceptance of many different kinds of [lizard] people that make up Eurovision casts. Yet with “Kemama” we may have reached  an unusually grimy undercurrent of coded racism. 

Of course nothing I read was outrageously rancid, than Cod for that. The worst statement I read was a double-whammy of “EWW THIS ISN’T CARIBBEANVISION” and “WHY WOULD SOMEONE FROM *KENYA* WANT TO REP CZECHIA IN EUROVISION?”, and yes they first got the continent wrong and then *also* got the country wrong in the follow-up post and then they were torn limb from limb by a pack of aformentioned left-liberals. I’m sorry but i can’t not have any other response than laughter in the face of yet another fucking MORON faceplanting themselves with words like a... racist JK Rowling if you will?

Still, while I never read something outright vile about Benny doesn’t mean I found his deniers really annoying and they were! Think “Ew Solovey is ‘Too Aggressive’ it will NEVER DO WELL IN ESC”, a statement that isn’t coded nor racist (and yet extremely false and misguided), functioned as a similar idea by the same minds. A statement borne from the same breed of narrow-minded stubbornness which has caused elitist morons to be all “there is **SOMETHING** about “Kemama” i do *NOT* like and I cannot lay my finger on it... but I **DO NOT** like it at ALL. It won’t ever qualify because everyone will think the same way I do” -- Eurovision snobs, tiptoeing around racial coda in January 2020.

 They would also insist that Benny was “arrogant” because he was seemingly impervious to their (de)constructive criticism. Like, if you were a biracial butterfly living in a slavic country who had to deal with statements such as the above on a regular basis, you WOULD block out the noise. And if you heard them often enough you will start to block them out pre-emptively. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW COPING MECHANISMS WORK?? (oh wait you’re white-privileged. Nevermind 🙄)

 So naturally, when Benny decided that he would revamp “Okay Mother” by adding in MORE African elements it only made me love him even more lol. 😍 Was it a bull-headed, contrarian and possibly really stupid decision? Yes, yes and absolutely yes. Was it worth it? Well he managed to incite even more meltdowns in a group of people I feel nothing but contempt for, so hell yeah? Eurovision was cancelled anyway so who cares how much ‘worse’ “Kemama” actually got. 

Okay, so we’ve arrived at the revamp.

Granted, it wasn’t the best ‘vamp, I’d be a fool to deny it. The new elements threw a wrench in the melodic balance of the song. Out went tropical laid-back fun, IN went that fucking guitar oh my god this is some Hotel FM piano levels of overbearing I swear. (nb: this still didn’t stop me from ironically stanning Hotel FM’s lame asses anyway 😍). However, it made the personal backstory that I loved and savoured take a backseat to the now inferior composition. 😭

Regardless, New Kemama was fundamentally the same song, and I fundamentally liked Old Kemama, so whatevs, it made no different to me. In the eyes of many Eurovision diehards we were experiencing WORST PRESHOW SEASON EVER (after three songs... lol) and nothing clinches this brainworm more than a revamp announcement. “OH MY GOD HE WILL RUIN IT! I CAN GUARANTEE YOU I *WON’T* LIKE IT”. Self-fulfilling prophecies, ya know? It certainly didn’t help when the official channel accidentally uploaded a vid with broken soundmixing (‘OMG HORRIBLE LAST IN THE SEMI!!!!’ calm the ever-loving HELL down) and took another FULL WEEK to upload the correct vid. The damage had already been done. Typing "SEE I TOLD YOU THE REVAMP WOULD BE SHITE HA HA HA” in the Kemama comment box really just is the ESC equivalent of reponding with “Actually, *all* lives matter :smug:” to a BLM support pamphlet, isn’t it?

NF CORNER

While not my favourite NF of the bunch, I found the Czech NF to be lowkey epic. Not epic enough to remember its name but regardless Czechvision or whatever marked the end of an era because it was also the last selection spearheaded by Jan Bors :o

I think I’ve made it clear enough in the past that I’m somewhat mixed on Bors Era Czechia - Lake Malawi were a toetapping good, Ickolas was a pockmarked, skin-crawling evil and the other three inhibit a purgatory somewhere between “moderately nice” and “moderate timewaste.”

Still, I have great respect for the man who orchestrated Czech’s comeback after scoring NINE POINTS TOTAL across three years with the mindset of “So what? Why says we can’t win?” so ofc I was all into the idea of the “EIGHT INDIE ANGELS, HAND-PICKED BY BORS HIMSELF” NF that would serve as his swan song.

Naturally things went down the drain the second Bors left, with one of the eight peacing and his successor cancelling the live broadcast (does anyone remember what exactly happened? I vaguely recall one was the cause of the other but lol it’s July can’t be bothered to factscheck (Factsczeck?) anymore, bitches.

Anyway, ON TO THE GOOD STUFF, and yes, there was plenty.

We All Poop - “ All the Blood (Positive Song Actually)”

Yes, as you can imagine I ofc IMMEDIATELY fell into like when I saw that chyron and invisioned the inevitability of the Czech Rep’s Rep immediately alienating every parent just based on their name alone <3 😍 w/e WAP quickly became that “Good but not great” song you find in every NF that everyone gushes over because it’s the whitest option available. Like, yes, “All the blood” is good, but musically it’s identical to Green Day and Twenty-One Pilots and god name ANY 90s-early00′s American Punk Rock band. For me the enjoyment came from the fact that WAP were openly crazy vegan fundamentalists and the VC clip actively condemns the use ANY animal protein by replacing the cattle and game with LITERAL HUMAN BEINGS. 😍 :fusedmarcintensifies: :kasiamosage:

Pam Rabbit - “Get up”

Ohhhh YES a glorious experimental Synth-Trap song only I could love and ofc I did. God what is there even to say; the provocative darkness of the verses combined with the swirling amorphousness of the chorus gives me LIFE. LUFF THIS SHIT <3333 Ftr, this was also the fave of Slovene Juror duo / synth angels / Boris faves ZALAGASPER, further proving their pathetic naysayers that they own all things music and the haters can suck a series of-

Barbora Mochowa - “White and Black Holes“

Lol, yes even with a “Get up” existing, there was a song I liked even more. Barbora proved a very competent Lana del Gay last year, but I was a YUGE fan of this year’s... Kate Bush-Björk blend of ethereal awesome. It is so soothingly beautiful and the rare example of a song that I find completely free of flaws. Were the competition not such a hard place, I’d be pissed she didnt win (at least she won the jury vote MASSIVE KUDOS to every alum on that) but w/e this selection had opions and I’m rather robbed of a “Kemama” than I am of a BRILLIANT IRREPLICABLE AETHERBALLAD. ~Danse balance sûr les white and black holes~

Elis Mraz & Cis T - “Wanna be like”

I *VERY* strongly felt that if the Czech Republic wanted to win ESC, they should have picked Elis and even now I STILL believe she could have won. That isn’t to say I gushed over “Wanna be like” because I find it kind of annoying lol. Yes, I LOVE an annoying female voice (:Tones&Icackle:) but Elis’s reaches a Camilla Cabello sort of place for me (good lord get Senorita OFF the fucking radio) and the Scat + White Guy Rapping middle-eight. 😬. However, the second I opened up the video clip for this paragraph and was immediately BLASTED by Elis murdering a ukelele and wearing a  “schoolgirl” outfit straight from a Japanese tentacle porn movie and OH MY GOD THE AGGRESSIVE TWERKING made me reconsider that hey, this min-sized Meghan Traynor actually kinda highkey owns, yo!  Yet, I’m not at all bothered we lost her in the Czech NF because we got UNO DOS QUATRO CINCO SEIS :fatmansplit: fill up the megameme slot instead, so...

Eurovision 2020 vs Eurovision 2021

BENNY RUINED HIS SONG AND NEVER WOULD HAVE QUALIFIED. jk I’m not a moron. Sure, “Kemama” wasn’t an easy sell because you know AFROBEAT in a contest where half of the people watching are fash (ie: all of Eastern Europe, who watch out of ~Nationalistic Sentiment~ 😬), but there are Kemama live renditions out there and he owns them SO hard lol. A few soundmixing issues really would not have stopped Benny from qualifying in that RIDICULOUSLY WEAKSAUCE SEMIFINAL are you fucking kidding me. He probably would’ve bombed in the Grand Final, but I mean it’s Czech and it’s not Ickolas so ofc it would have.

And Czech renewed him for 2021 regardless of the sceptics, woohoo! I think part of it was due the Czech not wanting to re-organize an ENTIRE NF from scratch without Jan Bors, but probably also because Benny owns live when he isn’t engaged in psychological trench warfare with actual human detritus <3 and also because the Czech fucking CARE about their artists and don’t drop them like a sack of rotten potatoes wtfshitprus.

Can’t wait for the moment when he qualifies and Efendi does not, etc, etc. 

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I’d say that the core around which the Ben Drama spun was pretty standard fare: niche fave beats out the concensus fave, meltdowns ensue, people convince themselves it was the WRONG decision because it wasn the result they wanted, try to disown the song and make a fool of themselves because the song slaps, sorry. Even the revamp drama felt more of less generic for me, because yawn fantards melting down over a revamp of a song they don’t even like what else is new.  

However, what I do take away that the revamp was ENTIRELY Benny’s idea which he told no one about (cue to JAN BORS having a social media meltdown like he’s Caesar at the Ides of March 💔) added MORE afrobeat just to troll his haters even more <3  God, I’d say it was bad from a musical perspective but this level of in-your-face defiance is fucking iconic and hilarious, sorry. This entire this year is so batshit bonkers that the concept of a someone potentially shooting themselves in the foot and “torpedo’ing” their qualification chances  (not rly, he would’ve Q’d anyway lol) JUST to take the moral high ground in a racially coded argument only HE took seriously may not even be the craziest concept in the year! (lol it definitely isn’t. Look at the pics I haven’t greyed out yet)

This and more yield Benny some well-earned Senheads! Yay!! 

Score: 3 Senhits out of 5.

[whetstonefires]

Sephiroth, 1, 2, 5, 9, 12, 16, 20. I find your take on him so interesting! (And kind of sad too...)

Oh gosh this is so many! Haha okay, here goes.

1.Their physical weak spots

Huh. He’s programmed to be literally impossible to damage in the one actual fight in the Nibel flashback, the dragon. I theorize this might have been his first-level Limit? But of course you can’t use a Limit unless you’ve been injured first. (Apparently they reversed this in the Remake which is a major thematic change and I don’t like it? Anyway tho.)

So on one level his physical untouchability is part of his trademark and there’s a temptation to say ‘none’ and be done with it.

Normal human weak spots, I imagine, he’s not as alien as all that. The throat is the throat, I mean. His disinclination for wearing shirts may suggest an indifference to thoracic damage, but between his tendency to not get hit at all and the existence of healing magic that doesn’t necessarily mean much.

The vertical pupils which can dilate much further than normal would make him particularly vulnerable to flashbangs used in a dark or even dim environment. I assume Wutaian ninjas exploited the heck out of that. :D

2. Their emotional/moral weak spots

Abandonment issues was a big one, I think, and all the huge gaping vulnerabilities created by being a child with no one to love, or who loved you.

Thinking outside of Shinra’s standard pathways is a matter of some anxiety to him, in Crisis Core–his idea of resistance is ‘find my friend first and then oops fail to kill him they can’t prove it was on purpose’ and then later ‘turn down the assignment to find my friend and kill him.’ There’s just, a lot of emotional dependence on a toxic structure indicated by his behavior patterns.

I’m sure that was deliberately instilled, but it’s not that hard. His superpowers aren’t Superman scale self-sufficient until after he ‘dies’ once, and capitalism does what it does. He’s not much less dependent on the Company for survival than the average worker, and more so for identity.

Morally he was disadvantaged by being a corporate supersoldier with Hojo as his parent–the details of his upbringing have never been clarified but they sure didn’t put him anywhere outside Shinra enough for him to form external attachments, or even powerful internal personal ones prior to the rather shaky ones he managed with two peers sometime in adolescence, which leaves fairly few possibilities really.

Anyway morally he’s nothing but weaknesses, even before he got tangled up with The Thing From The Northern Crater and decided he was God and should consume all life. ^^;

5. Guilty pleasures 

You know, I don’t think even pre-evil Sephiroth did guilt much? Waste of energy, and (see above) he wasn’t socialized for it, it’s counterproductive in a soldier. The ‘guilt’ in guilty pleasure is really a species of shame though, and anyone with that much pride is vulnerable to the opposite, even if they weren’t exposed to someone like Hojo growing up….

You know, it was probably novels? He was a reader, and one of the most personal things we know about him from the OG is the deep impression left by Hojo’s furious rant about how inappropriate it was to use poetic expressions about magic. Even ‘magic’ was too sentimental for this domineering science twit.

So, every so often growing Sephiroth would get his hands on a piece of fiction, and the quality wasn’t necessarily great because it was whatever he could pick up in the break room or wherever, but he’d hole up out of sight and scarf it down. Even once he had his own living space and salary and could buy whatever books he wanted and store them, he’d pick up novels on the sly and get rid of them once he was done, like someone was going to catch him. One of the things he used to pick out of the ruins in Wutai during the looting was books.

He always felt a confusing mess of jealousy and scorn about Genesis’ Loveless thing. That he could just like it like that, constantly, right out in the open, where anyone could laugh at him. That nobody had ever taken it away.

Less tragically, I think sometimes he’d go home and watch bad TV. Whatever Midgar’s stupidest soap opera was. Sephiroth caught enough of the reruns to know most of the main plots. He had an opinion about who the father of Jaqueline’s baby should have turned out to be. He would never admit this.

9. Humiliating memories

Okay, as touched on above repeatedly, he grew up with Hojo, who loves breaking people down and laughing at them, so he’s probably got a lot of these.

The worst one is one time when he had a weak moment or an optimistic one, and asked out loud in words for something he really, really wanted, and Hojo said yes, and gave Sephiroth just enough time to get desperately excited and express gratitude before laughing at him and saying of course he was lying. Don’t be stupid.

That isn’t something important enough to bother with.

12. Grudges and vendettas 

‘Burning inside with violent anger’ isn’t there for no reason. From Nibelheim on these define him, and according to bonus materials of middling canon status he eventually sheds almost all identity elements but his grudges.

I think, based on the shape of his breakdown? That for most of his life he told himself that holding onto anger and pursuing grudges was a waste of time and energy. But that didn’t actually help him let any of it go, he just internalized and ignored things. Because he wasn’t actually not holding grudges, he was just reacting like someone who didn’t have any choices, and marinating in spite.

Spite against Hojo surfaces on the way up to the reactor in a way that says to me it’s a habit, almost a reflex. But it manifests in profound pettiness, and I think that’s the only way he normally felt he was permitted to act out against the people who really bothered him, though I’m also sure he channeled a lot of anger into unrelated killing. Natural thing to do when you’re a frustrated teenager who’s supposed to be killing people anyway.

By the time he did it in Nibelheim, it was an old habit.

The fact that he bothered to personally kill the Shinra President as his big debut says to me he was holding a grudge about his entire life against the person who commissioned him and declared the war and shaped the floating Midgar-world that defined his life. I think there were probably a lot of personal insults in there too, just because of the way Shinra Sr. seems to have conducted himself generally.

He’s a Donald Trump expy wouldn’t you.

Sephiroth is written as a much softer person in Crisis Core, almost absurdly so, but even there you can see him resenting Genesis and Angeal more than a little for abandoning him. It probably brought back his whole mess of feelings about Gast, who really did abandon him quite unforgivably but Sephiroth never knew the full circumstances, just that he was gone and later dead. There are signs he blamed Hojo, who doesn’t seem to have gloated openly about the murder even if he did make sure to inform the boy his favorite person was dead now.

And of course later on there’s Cloud, which doesn’t actually make that much sense until you loop in the retcon about Cloud throwing him into the reactor and cutting short his initial rampage. There’s the grudges he seems to have inherited from Jenova, against the Cetra.

It’s not out of the question that he killed Aerith the way he did in part because she was the thing Gast abandoned him for, as well as all the other less personal reasons. I sort of like to think so.

16. Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Of his own, as opposed to ‘about him’ that he found out about, I don’t think he really had many? He wasn’t much accustomed to privacy.

I think most of the worst things he did, as a human being rather than a transhuman monstrosity, were pretty unavoidably public; they were war crimes, and happened in front of some fraction of the rest of the army. He was praised for them.

There probably were a lot of dark things he never talked to anyone about, that weren’t really known, but except for outright humiliating childhood incidents like above he wasn’t particularly hiding them. He was just never in a position where it would have made any sense to him to bring them up.

Genesis wasn’t ever someone it was safe to be vulnerable around, and Angeal was uncomfortable with too much emotion, and besides they were fellow soldiers and it wasn’t like the things he didn’t talk about from the war were anything special, and he wasn’t going to complain about his childhood to them. And who else was there?

Dude needed so much therapy.

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines 

I go absolutely nuts with alternate timelines for Sephiroth. He’s so much fun to work with that way.

Lucretia and Vincent stole the baby and went on the run: Firo grew up kinda isolated in the woods with his parents but runs away at thirteen to fight Shinra because he’s so mad they had to leave Wutai because of the invasion. Parzival AU.

Ifalna recruited Sephiroth to her escape scheme and he wound up raising Aerith on the run, under the names Rith and Roth. Beloved Dust AU, that one’s actually online as you may very well know lol.

Vincent blew up the Nibelheim reactor with Hojo and Jenova in it when Sephiroth was six, and then later Midgar blew up as well and the Shinra world order collapsed, and the recently married Mrs. Strife adopted the weird lab kid. Later on Cloud pressures his big brother into starting an anti-bandit militia. Time Of General Strife AU.

Cute three-way blood brothers ceremony contaminates Genesis’ body with Sephiroth’s DNA and sets off his degeneration several years early, when they’re all teenagers and not nearly as famous, powerful, or fucked in the head. Brother and Brother AU.

And so on. ;}

[donttellthemangosiwashere]

Guess who watched Frozen2 yesterday and is back on her AU Juice

ok get this, using thomas’s rewrite for Frozen 1 but also 

you know that theory where Hans is like,,,, a chill dude, and the rock trolls are the evil ones and mind-controlled him into fuckin shit up so Christof would become king? also that

Spoilers for Frozen 2 so,,,, be wary

Virgil is Elsa 

Paranoid shut-in, afraid of scary ice powers, convinced himself he’s perfectly comfortable with being alone forever. Distrusts Dee immediately because he can sense the presence of magic in him, but he doesn’t know that’s what it is at first

Patton is Ana 

Emotionally volatile, quick to trust/immediately assumes the best in people, bit of a hopeless romantic

Roman is Christof 

Agrees to help Patton because “ur a prince, I cant let you do this alone it’s not noble of me to leave u hanging like that”

Remus is Roman’s funky twin brother who would rather just continue being a rock troll honestly

Kinda functions as Sven/Olaf/comic relief buddy character but they also DO have an Olaf and a reindeer steed to pull the wagon. He's hanging out with Patton and Roman during most of the movie

Deceit is Hans

Actually a prince from another country who’s like an ok dude and does grow fond of Patton immediately after meeting him, not evil until later

Logan is the head guard/politician guy with the big nose that was their advisor/guardian after their parents died, you know the guy

He's gonna be much more important in the story. He mostly tails Dee and slowly figures out that there’s something weird about him towards the end, and tries to protect Virgil and Patton from him. He cares about them so much, but he’s bad with emotions, so he’s not great at helping Patton with his loneliness or helping Virgil with his anxiety. Even when the rest of the kingdom starts to turn against them, he never doubts that Virgil is good

Character Thomas is Olaf because that’s cute as hell

He’s an embodiment of Virgil’s love for and protectiveness over Patton, but the longer he exists, the more he starts to develop his own personality and traits based on who he spends time with? So eventually Logan, Roman, Remus, Deceit, and Patton all become a part of him too, and he’s their little amalgamation snow son

(plot stuff under the cut. be warned, i put waaaay too much goddamn thought into this)

Ok so most of the first movie happens as normal. Thomas is just a lovable little anxious snow boy who walks around and dotes over and protects Patton, Reindeer is just a regular animal, Virgil runs away after a freakout, Patton goes to find him, etc etc etc

But when Hans is on the road in the first movie (when him and some soldiers have just captured Virgil from his ice castle and are marching back to the kingdom) their caravan is jumped by the rock trolls. Virgil doesn’t know whats going on cause he’s trapped in a carriage with no windows, but the rock trolls lure Dee away and then do the evil magic thing, they puppet him from then on to imprison Virgil and refuse to kiss Patton.

Roman and Remus drop Patton off and return to the woods, right? Roman’s being all reluctant about it, and Remus is like “im sure he still wants to be ur friend bro, it doesnt matter that he’s a prince and we’re common, you KNOW he doesnt care about all that” but Roman is not convinced, says he’ll ‘think about it’. They return to the rock trolls, and Remus sees the shaman in the process of puppeting Dee, in the “if only there was someone who loved you” scene where Patton is clearly dying. Remus runs to tell Roman what’s really happening, and they get caught. Roman stays behind to fight off the other rock trolls, buying Roman time to race towards the castle and save the brothers

The “if only there was someone who loved you” scene is different, tho. First of all, Dee doesn’t say that. He (and the shaman) are too smart to give up the bit until they are SURE they’ve won. Dee refuses to kiss Patton, but in like a soft way. (Got this scene from my friend Nat on discord, one of the reasons i made this au at all, its fucking KILLER) It’s more like a 

“i mean yes im fond of you but I don’t love you??? We just met” “but you proposed!” “We’re princes, looking for love in marriage is an idea I abandoned a long time ago. I figured I could at least make you happy, and an alliance between our kingdoms would be favorable.” “Oh...” “I could see myself falling in love with you, Patton, i mean that. But right now... If I could break the curse, I would. I’m deeply sorry.... Is there anything I can do to keep you warm?“ “No, there’s nothing...” “How dare your bother turn his magic against you? First he freezes the kingdom, then that golem, then he curses his own brother? (he does a whole schpeil where he convinces an emotionally broken and shellshocked Patton that Virgil is actually like evil and bad) ...Sit here, I will get you some blankets.” (Again, quote @glorifiedpigeon! She wrote a whole scene like this with Dee as Hans and Roman as Elsa, its bonkers as hell!! So good!)

While he’s gone “getting blankets” (Dee’s really just gonna leave him to freeze) Thomas sneaks in, and starts up a fire. Patton tells him not to do that cause he’ll melt, and he’s like “some people are worth melting for.” Thomas can tell Patton he’s upset and they talk about Virgil and how Patton doesn’t know what to think anymore. Thomas melts while keeping the fire warm for Patton, his sacrifice breaks the cold-poison-curse-thing and Patton is saved. The conversation Patton has with Thomas while he’s dying is weirdly familiar, and Patton realizes that it’s a 1 to 1 of a conversation him and Virgil had when they found out there parents died, when Virgil promised to “protect you no matter what, i love you.” Patton realizes Thomas was just a representation of Virgil’s brotherly love for him, which is cute as fuck, and then he goes to save his brother.

Virgil is visited by Logan, who busts him out of his cell, telling him he never doubted him for a second, but he’s wary of Dee. They run away together, panning to go out and find Patton and finally talk everything out. Dee reaches them, and calls Logan a traitor to the crown for helping Virgil escape, insisting that the fact that they are running away proves Virgil’s guilt. Logan tells Virgil to stay calm and keep a hold on his powers, and goes to confront Dee alone. Dee twists Logan’s words and just makes them sound more suspicious, eventually whacking Logan with the handle of his sword and knocking him out. Virgil is enraged, and attacks Dee. He almost kills him, but then Roman arrives, and stops Virgil from landing a killing blow. He’s about to explain what’s happening, and that Dee can still be saved and it’s not his fault, but Dee (with the rock troll magic being channeled through him) Silences Roman with a spell, so he cant speak. 

At the moment, Virgil is scared, distressed, and kinda cornered since he refuses to leave Logan’s unconscious body, and Virgil has no reason to trust Roman. All Roman knows about Virgil is that he’s wicked powerful and volatile, and he knows he can’t let Hans kill Virgil. This leads to the three of them all fighting each other 1v1v1, Hans trying to kill Roman and Virgil, Virgil trying to fend off Hans and Roman, and Roman trying to keep ether of the other two from killing each other while protecting himself.

Patton finally reaches them, and sees Roman knocked out and trapped in ice, incapacitated by Virgil, and Virgil is doin some ice magic at Dee, about to kill him, or at least wound him, to escape. Patton protects Dee, and is like “Yo no wait Virgil, you both have the wrong idea! He’s just scared of you, he’s not bad!” And Roman really wants to say “He IS bad but not in the way you think!”, but he’s still silenced. Virgil’s like “uh yeah he IS bad, look at what he did to Logan!” 

Finally, Remus catches up. He runs in from behind Dee and Patton, so they don’t see him approach until he yells to them about the trolls and whats actually going on. While they’re all distracted, Dee attacks Patton, holding him at knife-point and using him as a hostage to get Virgil to stop with the magics.

How is this fight resolved? Fuck if I know, I kinda wrote myself into a corner lmao. They are somehow able to incapacitate/trick dee, and Virgil uses his magic to override the trolls and free him from the mind-control.

And, at the end, there’s this cute little scene, after Patton is explaining everything that happened to Virgil and vice versa, where Patton’s like:

“Wait, wait! Can you resurrect Thomas??” and Virgil’s all snarky about it like “I dont know, wouldn’t that lessen the impact of his sacrifice? He’s like, a part of me, right? I think he’d like to go out all melancholy and poetic like that” “Virgil oh my goodness if you dont bring back my little snowman buddy I will cry here and now” “Okay, okay, jeez”

HERE IS WHERE THE SECOND MOVIE COMES IN

pretty much the only thing that changes is this: you know the voice thing that Elsa just starts hearing out of nowhere as a sign to fix past wrongs and whatnot? Virgil only starts hearing them now BECAUSE the rock trolls were blocking the signal from reaching him. And, Dee comes with them on this adventure and kinda redeems himself over the course of the movie by being a cool dude. And, the grampa who did the betraying was ALSO controlled by the rock trolls way back when; the rock trolls have been trying to destabilize the magic for years so that they could siphon more of it away from the spirits for their own personal use, and they got greedy once they had humans (re and ro) to work with, wanting political power as well. (Dee has been staying with them in their kingdom, as the ambassador from his country or whatever)

And for all you Shippers out there

the ships for this could be literally anything, dude. like literally any combination works, go fucking hogwild. Doesn’t even have to have a romantic ship or anything, it could just be everyone being platonic lovely babies.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Th-that’s Not...

SHINee Lee Taemin x Reader Summary: You once mention your ideal type was a chef, and now Taemin can’t get it out of his head, which is why he almost got himself killed and burned the house down. Word Count: 1k+ Warnings: Angst, kinda smut, graphic-esque things, etc.

Part II: Regrets

A/N: hello i would just like to say i dunno how to write smut so sh;hdsdd

Taemin couldn't raise his sight at the disappointed look before him and couldn’t help but feel tears well in his eyes. It wasn’t even because the hydrogen peroxide you were using on his cut stung, but it was because Taemin couldn’t make a proper meal for you. 

He couldn't prepare 1 basic meal for his special person and it was driving him insane.

Taemin watched as you scolded him with so much intensity in such a soft manner. He couldn't even hear your mutters for his ears were drowned in the mental instability of his thoughts.

He hissed and tried to pull his hand away after a certain action was performed on his skin, and finally, that was what pulled the welling tears down from his eyes. You unknowingly pull Taemin's hand back and clicked your tongue three times. "Taemin, don't..." but as you gazed upon his face, your words burned out into air.

Immediately, you felt guilt rise up through your throat. You quickly leaned in and pecked his lips, comforting, "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to hurt you."

You were innocent; your words couldn't strike a double meaning for there wasn't a double meaning within them. You have not mustered up anything to hurt Taemin, and yet he was so hurt... so hurt by himself, in a sense of lonelines, and so hurt by himself, in the sense that it was he that made his feelings the way they are.

You placed a bandage on his wound and Taemin started finding the words to say.

However instead he found himself falling into the hole he dug in his mind.

He thought of the most vivid memory of you. The most recent time you were so close, you were one. It hadn't been so poetic as it sounds, as he treated you at an upperclass restaurant and you thoroughly enjoyed the meal, as well as the face of the man who made it. The ever so dangerously irritating words falling from your mouth, "You know, I've always had a thing for guys who cook, esspecially if it's their job."

It was what triggered Taemin to pull a sour expressiom and to wither into jealousy. As much as his taste buds enjoyed the meal, his tongue would never admit to it. Which was what lead him to harden into a pushy, tempered man, driven to prove that your pleasure in food makers was nothing compared to his capacity to pleasure you.

So he gave you the cold shoulder, up until it was only him, you, and the privacy of his residence. He wasted no time and paid no mind to your surprised reaction. He wasn't very particular with where he started his lesson on just who you should mind your mind with and have a thing for, but rest assured he did not stop until all your exhausted body could do is rest.

Taemin took away your vocabulary and reduced you to raw noises that could be distinguished by those even a mile away. He put pressure in all the places that hurt enough for it to feel good and locked you in the most uncomfortable postions only his expertise could make comfortable.

His fingers latched onto your skin and trailed as far as they could; measly fabric wouldn't hinder their travel and were torn from where it was upon. Taemin caged you beneath him and controlled your breathing. He was your air, and you could not bargain for it for you were not given any oppurtunity. He took you shoulders and pushed you against every surface to prison you under his heat. As he shook you roughly, he lulled the most sweetest of sounds.

He dragged his teeth across your mounds and stole a prayer from your moans. He pinned you down and had you squirmming in every way possible. He pushed his palm against you against his sheets and demanded an answer: "Whose are you?"

Of course, all you could say was his name, and that was all Taemin heard and heard and heard and heard, up until he was deeply satified, and you overly.

But as much confidence he had in himself that night, the moon took with as it was replaced by the sun.

Similarly, the sun dawned such a horrible, paranoid assumption from him, simply solidified in this horrible accident he had just partaken in.

Taemin was not good enough. He could not count all the times he made a mess of himself in front of you and could not bear to rethink your disappointed looks.

You wanted a man that could cook, which was much like quite clearly stating you wanted someone who could take care of you. Never once has Taemin done something so domestic, not even really for himself.

He could never nurse a sickly you, definitely not the way you could easily him. Never could he find the exact words to say to you who could be crying their heart out. For goodness--- Taemin couldn't even cook you a damn omelet.

Do you understand?!

What use was the fluid movements of his body other than fucking?

And no amount of money could buy you the things you want from him.

So easily put, it's decided, he's decided.

"Let's break up" Taemin says after swallowing a big lump in his throat. You are stunned to say the least, but he doesn't allow you to voice it out as he's speaking yet again. "It's not working, you and I. We want different things; they're so different, in fact. And I can't give them to you."

Taemin both praises and curses himself for smoothly and clearly wording out each and everything that came out of his mouth.

"What kind of joke do you think you're pulling right now?" you say, angry, confused, but more than that obviously hurt.

Taemin sniffles and pulls away from you, standing perfectly still, "I have been fooling myself with you. We aren't compatible."

Shit. He hates the way he made it sound but doesn't have enough fight in him to correct himself and roll his pathetic belly.

You look at him with eyes that match his and whimper, "Are you serious?"

"I am. You are too far away from me, and I--" Taemin finally cracks. He coughs and continues, "and I can't reach you no matter if I want to."

"So..." you stand before him, "are you saying you don't want to reach me.? T-that you've never wanted?"

Taemin's heart wants to burt. He wants to burst and appeal to you, but he just can't, not when he's already gone so far, not when he has convinced himself that you truly deserve someone better. You spill into many words but he disregards them.

"I'm saying that even if I did, I don't want to anymore." He inhales sharply, "I'm saying you should go, because my kitchen is a mess and you being here embarrasses me."

You let out a deep scoff and try to hide your face as your legs quickly run you out of Taemin's home. You slam the door on your way out, and in sync Taemin drops to his knees and looks up to his tragic counter and burnt pan.

He crumbles on his back and stares at his covered hand with watery vision.

[kitsoa]

Realm of Light, the PoH, and the Physical Concept Pt. 1

The True Nature of the Princesses of Heart Powers

(Part 2)-- tbd

The KH3 Glossary entry on the Seven Princesses is interesting:

“The nature of the princesses’ power is not entirely clear, but once already their hearts have been stolen...”

It’s true, we don’t really understand the PoH powers, we just accept it as a grand cosmic exception to any natural laws. So after discovering a nuanced element to the Kairi’s abilities in this post about Death and the Final World, the question of the PoH abilities has never felt more pressing. So I’ve been drawing connections between Kairi’s PoH powers and the Physical World in KH because of those observations. And a lot of this comes down to the nature of the Realm of Light and the role the Seven Princesses play.

What is the Realm of Light?

‘The Realm of Light’ is a little arbitrarily named as it functions very similarly to the Realm of Darkness and the Realm in Between. The realm is simply a massively infinite space for which to hold physical things. The RoD does the exact same thing. We know they are counterparts that exist to counterbalance the other, but besides that, the very nature of the two spaces puts them in stark segregation, divided by an unbreachable metaphysical barrier. The mingling of their contents isn’t a matter of rejection, but of origin. So how does that matter?

Building Blocks of Reality

So I’m going to go on a limb and say that I think the primary difference with the two is that everything inside the Realm of Darkness is made of Darkness and everything in the Realm of Light is made of Light.

Straightforward yes, but it makes sense.

Mickey: “Aw, we don’t hate it. It’s just kinda... scary. But the world’s made of light AND darkness. You can’t have ones without the other, ‘cause darkness is half of everything...” (KH2)

If you take to heart Mickey’s poetic verbiage that everything is made of light and darkness and consider it literally, then we are talking about the building blocks of matter. ‘Everything’ in this case can be the greatest concept of the word-- unconfined by ‘Realms’-- so this includes the RoD and the RoL (and the Realm in-between). I imagine a semi-heterogeneous formula of reality. Light in one corner and Darkness in the other, a blend in the middle composing the major realms. From there, countless pockets of crossover, born from Hearts and the encroching war of balance that meddling has compromised. 

But as a building block of matter, Light and Dark are implicity imperative to creating the physical world. Consider the Heartless. As beings of darkness, they clearly have some kind of physical interface and their origin in the RoD suggest that such a realm composes all of it’s denizens and contents with such material.

So in contrast, the Realm of Light composes everything out of light. Light, now being redefined as a cosmic construction material, has a very specific physical role in the Realm of Light. Of course, this is well supported visually!

Consider the end of KH1. When the worlds were being restored, their form rose from balls of light. And then of course, when a physical body perishes, without fail it disperses into a flurry of light (We’ll talk exceptions later). Everything is made of light. So when we see the Worlds’ return in 0.2, the light that was consumed by the darkness (quite literally) was returned along with the World’s Hearts released from the “Kingdom Hearts of Worlds.” Aqua had her heart in the RoD so her physical essence didn’t follow the mass exodus. 

From this reading, Light and Darkness make up their entire physical realm, or at least dominates the construction of their respective realm. This informs the behavior of the physical contents when there’s crossover between the realms, but also when there are pure forces at work. 

The Seven Princesses

So then we have to wonder where the Princesses come into play. We know that they are unique phenomenons that are entirely devoid of darkness. The BBS development of the X-blade furthers their origin as deriving from the broken pieces of the ultimate, Kingdom Hearts summoning blade. And then KH3 renews the concept by treating this as a sort of transferable torch, as if the process of carrying this Light creates the unique vessels that become the princesses. 

The significance of the Light from the X-blade is heavily stated. The blade is the counterpart to the reality controlling Kingdom Hearts, so the components that make up the blade are arguably a part of the very foundation of the world that mega-heart embodies. 

I am reminded of a line that sticks out to me in Secret Ansem Report #9:

Kairi, a resident of Radiant Garden over which I had ruled, was one of the Seven Princesses that uphold the realm of light.

“Upholding the realm of light” suggests a supporting function. The lights the Princesses carry are the literal foundation of the RoL. So as pillars to the realm that hosts all relevant physical existence... it isn’t a stretch that the control and dominion over the physical concept is within the capacity of a Princess of Heart. The fact that this is a transferable ability only lends to this idea that the Realm of Light can’t exist without the Princesses.

It’s perhaps why the act of gathering all seven fractions provides this reality altering power. Together they create the “Keyblade of Hearts” and summon a means to the Kingdom Hearts of Worlds (at the time it was the only known Kingdom Hearts but it feels fitting that its the Heart of all the worlds lost from the RoL). Even the KH3 Glossary give their collective a gravitas:

....While not necessarily royalty, they are called "princesses" because they are all female and the one who brings them together will reign over all worlds.

And that reign can come from the fact that the Princesses technically reign over all the worlds in the RoL as the foundation support of all Light itself. It’s the purest light imaginable. That perhaps informs the nature of their abilities. 

Dominion Over the Physical Realm

So Light is the source of physical existence. The Princesses, as pillars to the physical realm, have some kind of power over that.

The body is a vital part of a person’s existence. It’s the vessel that holds their heart and carries them through the Realm of Light. Kairi’s had an interesting connection with this aspect though as we’ve seen her have some kind of sway on the physical realm in extraordinary ways. 

We have seen this specific power in action before.

1. Returning Sora to human form in KH1

From our understanding, Kairi’s PoH powers purified Sora’s heartless returning him to his human form. But this gets complicated as Sora’s body was split to make Roxas, meaning that Sora was supposedly a walking heart. For years we’ve accepted this as a simple phenomenon as it’s properly righted at the conclusion of kh2 but this is a little contrary to all understanding of hearts in the series still. 

Hearts need vessels. Heartless use darkness to carry the heart. The time traveled hearts of Xehanort needed Replicas. The Robed Figure was dwelling with some kind of temporary set up even. Sora’s heart did not have a vessel after turning into a Heartless.

I accepted that Kairi made it so Sora didn’t need a vessel when she made him a walking heart... but then a different idea came to mind. What if Kairi made Sora a body? Like, it’s not his original body and it virtually doesn’t matter that it wasn’t his original body, but it was still a legitimate body. 

Consider, Roxas wasn’t exactly required to restore Sora because he had a his original body that Sora needed to wake up, Sora proved he didn’t need it in all of COM. Roxas was only needed because of the memories he and Xion siphoned off of him. So whatever body Sora was inhabiting was perfectly fine-- it even aged for him.  When Roxas is re-assimilated, the physical essence just combined and everything was dandy.

But Kairi did that.

2. Casting Sora’s physical form into the Final World.

But this is the big anomaly that got me thinking about this physical element. As I state in the referenced meta, Sora having his body cast into the Final Realm is the most unusual thing about his trip to the heart purgatory. It’s not normal and the sole reason Sora is able to walk out of there like it’s nothing. But it’s Kairi that gets the credit for ‘keeping him together.’ She’s the reason he retained his physical form (no matter how in broken up it is). 

This is a strangely specific ability. We know her light can ward away darkness to some extent, but to bind Sora’s physical form to his heart and defy the norm of this Heart-only afterlife suggests something about the nature of light and the physical concept.

Say everything physical is just some kind of amalgamated ‘light’ as explained above. Then the most powerful Light within the PoH could assert some kind of control or dominion over that allows Kairi to cast the light of Sora’s body with his heart to the Final World when he perished. She might not be able to prevent a body made of light from meeting destruction (for a variety of situational reasons) but in maintaining his heart in the Final Realm her ability over light carried his body with his heart.

--

I think there’s some grounds to reading the metaphysics in this way. It answers the intentional mystic around the PoH in an easy but impressive way. This power is clearly underutalized with the other bearers of this torch, but it would make the princesses relevant again (in order to reveal the rest of the New Seven?) and be a reveal worth keeping obscured for as long as it has.

(Part 2--> I’m gonna discuss how this PoH power lets them function outside of natural laws and how this was potentially utalized in some headscratching moments in KH3)

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Don't get excited or anything Janis: only talking to you to look busy Jimmy: steal my job an' all or just my lines? Jimmy: so proud me Janis: technically I got you fired from that one Janis: and not to get ahead in the java game myself so Jimmy: fucked my future as a recruiter that Jimmy: tah very much Janis: 💔 Janis: what can I say? Janis: your chat has left a lot to be desired from the start Janis: though I'd happily pick up a CG shift now, nothing to do with your skillz or lack thereof Jimmy: You could've started this one with 'oi Jim don't put persuasive on the CV' and have done, mate but here we still are pissing about Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: use your head and pick up a shift where Pete works now not where he burned his bridges if you want the good chat, girl Janis: Yeah 'cos you want me interrupting your bromance time more than I already do Janis: reverse psychology won't work on me either, boy Jimmy: Tell it to the lad who's rewriting a birthday classic in your honor 'cause that ain't me, babe Jimmy: Still got it bad after all this time he has 💘 Jimmy: #thejulieteffect Janis: God, Gracie didn't slip him an invite as a tip, did she Janis: will have to maim my face to avoid any further association with her, like Jimmy: Might've Jimmy: Much as we throw Shona on that Gracie sized bullet she's nowt but persistent Janis: Desperate is the word Janis: invite half the town, why not Janis: no girl needs that many 'idk you really so I got you a bath set' gifts Jimmy: Alright, alright I'll take yours back to the shop Jimmy: Calm down Janis: bung it her way Janis: still might get some 'gratitude' 🤞 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: cool so it's a plan Janis: you distract, I'll make myself scarce Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: it's not known to be challenging Janis: but we have just discussed your shortcomings too so yeah Janis: maybe baby Jimmy: having her about when I ain't being paid is proper challenging Jimmy: you wanna sweeten the deal, rich girl Janis: Hmm, what you got in mind? Jimmy: we both make ourselves scarce Jimmy: I reckon that's a better plan Janis: maybe ain't earned persuasive still but Janis: you can tick off problem solver Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: ain't gonna be a problem if have the dickheads in town have an invite to your gaff Jimmy: slip away easy through that #opendoor Jimmy: half* Janis: you forget I'm 1 outta 2 guests of honour Janis: sadly, you are the only one on that score Jimmy: Nah Jimmy: nobody but Pete's coming for you, babe and we can slip him a note ahead of time Janis: You really know how to make a girl feel special, huh 😏 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: is it worth me coming to you Janis: how long you got left on Jimmy: both feeling special now Jimmy: how #goals Janis: well you know Janis: hit up the CG already and the replacements aren't much Jimmy: 💔 for 'em and you Janis: don't look too 😢 for me when I show Janis: not #goals Jimmy: Drying my eyes on my apron as we speak, like Janis: need your 😎 Jimmy: that's alright til the fans wanna see my 😍 Janis: who are you kidding, Doris can't see in front of her face Janis: it's the accent Jimmy: she can see my 🍆 Jimmy: keeps her coming back Janis: please don't make me laugh Jimmy: sexual harassment is no laughing matter, dickhead Jimmy: she's a menace 👵🚫 Janis: you know you're asking for it, babe Janis: made your granny love no secret Jimmy: when I'm not 😢 over you I'm 🤤 over her Jimmy: busted Janis: can't fool me Janis: know what you're like far too well tbh Jimmy: see right through me you Jimmy: only gonna get more of a bighead the older you get, aren't you? Janis: don't plan on changing Janis: not that kind of birthday girl Jimmy: 👍 Janis: dunno why she's bothering Janis: 'less she can get Pete to fake marry her she ain't even competing Jimmy: shut up, he'd get a decent amount of song writing material outta that Jimmy: enough to consider it Jimmy: don't be giving ideas like that out for nowt Janis: so you're saying recruiters out for you but pimp/band manager is my calling Janis: cheers, keep it in mind Jimmy: can't be living off mummy and daddy forever, babe Jimmy: time's running out Janis: they're running out of kids who wanna be around them, more like Janis: you know they don't wanna be left just them and Gracie Jimmy: Give 'em the heads up and they'll have time to have a load more Janis: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: 💸💸💸 Janis: if they do, not me Janis: and all the others Janis: splitting it 10 ways makes it less impressive Jimmy: actually 💔 Janis: I know Janis: babysitting is your primary gig Janis: soz, like Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: Poor, poor boy Janis: have to stick with your two Jimmy: You still ain't taken the 🐶 off me yet so it's 3 Janis: if you put 'dog dad' in your bio it's over Jimmy: saved that 💎 for the dating apps Janis: fairplay Janis: go over well with that crowd Jimmy: 🐶💕 Jimmy: gotta earn her keep somehow Janis: subtle Janis: what do you want, like Jimmy: other than 🐶💀 Janis: you love her, shut up Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: you love her Janis: I know what I've 👀 Janis: and I've got plenty of blackmail evidence for when this all goes tits Jimmy: I know how to fake it Jimmy: tah for all the practise Janis: mhmm, 'cos you did such a top job at that Jimmy: 🥇 me Janis: Sure thing babe Janis: best bae ever Janis: fake enough for you? Jimmy: might be if you didn't mean every word Janis: Idiot Jimmy: you love me Jimmy: and you're on your way here, deny it Janis: I can't deny I'm en-route Janis: but that's like 96% because I need to hide Janis: no funny business Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: only thirsty for a fruit juice Janis: I ain't a toddler Janis: and obviously, I ain't looking for you to serve me either 🤷 Jimmy: you ain't a coffee drinker and we don't serve booze, pisshead Janis: 1. I'm gonna subtly wait for Pete to be free 2. we'll think of something Jimmy: 1. enjoy helping him close 2. he won't be thinking of owt when he's this hungover so enjoy doing that yourself an' all Janis: 🙄🙄 Janis: not entirely sure you barista boys are worth the hassle Jimmy: on you go then Jimmy: find a barman and solve all your problems Janis: no tah Janis: can't be going there Jimmy: 🎻💔🎻 Janis: it'd be like you cracking on with a miner Janis: assume your granddad was a miner Jimmy: be like me having a go on a 👻 Janis: can make that happen Janis: that kinda cool girlfriend, obvs Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: find out the equipment Janis: not talking 🍆🤖s Jimmy: so I'll meet you in the cemetery or what? Jimmy: #datenight Janis: Such an emo Janis: called it and you out from day one Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You reckoned I wanted to suck Alex Turner's ballsack Jimmy: Indie and emo are different genres, mate Janis: It's all fringes and marding really, isn't it, mate Janis: point is, ghosts are everywhere Janis: have as much if not more luck in any house in this shithole of a town Jimmy: proper poetic you Jimmy: I smell a lyrical collab with your bf Janis: nah Janis: we both know muse is about as good as I got Jimmy: but there's no need to pass that along to Pete and have him 💔 Janis: Shut up Janis: he loves me just the way I am, and YOU'RE just jealous Jimmy: #duh Janis: if I wanted that kind of guilt-trip, I'd have stayed there Jimmy: The orchestra is raring to go here Jimmy: What more do you want? Janis: you Janis: dickhead Jimmy: I'm yours, dickhead Janis: Good Janis: I need you, like Jimmy: We don't need to be here, either of us Janis: I can't Janis: I can't be anywhere near that fucking party tomorrow Janis: it's not just because it's the usual bullshit family function either, like Janis: just Janis: nah Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: good thing I have a better idea Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: Nowt for you to do but come with me Janis: Alright Janis: obviously Janis: never gonna have better plans or better company 'round here so Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: come here and we'll go from there Janis: I am Janis: I'd almost forgot how long this bus took Janis: been that long, like Jimmy: you should be live tweeting Jimmy: fans love a throwback Janis: well, we both know what I should really be doing Janis: but ain't really feeling it and this bus driver is new Jimmy: 🤞 our top bloke ain't 💀💀💀 Jimmy: weren't meant to be part of the pact, like Janis: if he was on the outs, I'd have 💀 him at the wheel ages ago Janis: just that good Janis: call me the eternal optimist Jimmy: 🌹 by any other name Janis: peak romance always Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: you ain't seen nowt yet birthday girl Janis: Idiot Jimmy: 💕 Janis: do I need to bring anything Janis: not fishing for clues or nowt but could be relevant Jimmy: bring whatever you would to fuck off for a day Jimmy: we ain't coming back til its over Janis: okay Janis: just us? Jimmy: you can bring the dog if you want Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I draw the line at Pete's puppy dog eyes though Janis: 💔 Jimmy: You'll live and he's half 💀 so there ain't no challenge in smacking him down Janis: Hot Jimmy: 😏 Janis: is that my surprise? Jimmy: Do you want that to be your surprise? Janis: Yeah, I'm gonna be an accessory by admission Janis: think on, babe Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Your man of mystery bit is very unhelpful sometimes Jimmy: poor baby Jimmy: soz you can't handle being kept on your toes Janis: oh please Jimmy: What? Janis: I could run circles around you in my sleep Jimmy: go on then Janis: maybe Janis: if the plans allow time Jimmy: maybe I'll make time if it's that important to you to prove yourself, Juliet Janis: I know I don't need to prove myself to you Jimmy: 👌 Janis: fuck off Janis: you love me Jimmy: You're alright, for a rich girl Janis: I'm the best Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt babe Janis: #duh Jimmy: #youknowthedrill Janis: town is finally in sight Janis: jesus Jimmy: the new driver ain't winning me over 💔 for him Jimmy: sort it out knobhead Jimmy: 🎅 will get there before his bus, like Janis: N'awh Janis: you missed me? Jimmy: for a sec or two Jimmy: not owt to get a big head over Janis: have to work on that then, won't I Jimmy: hate for you to be bored while you're waiting for Pete to make you a drink Jimmy: gotta give you something to do Jimmy: it'll take him ages longer than two secs Janis: weird brag, mate Janis: usually the other way 'round but admire the honesty 😂 Jimmy: been a bit since I've made shit weird Jimmy: nice to know you've missed it Janis: you know Janis: keeps things interesting, you do Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: part of the deal, like Janis: I'll renew your contract Janis: 👌 job Jimmy: tah Jimmy: might take you off the trial period for a bit Jimmy: see how you go Janis: 😏 Janis: might not hand in my notice Jimmy: won't have to get a replacement in then Janis: 💔 Janis: know how you love that Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: keep disappointing me, you Janis: psh Jimmy: It's alright, well used to it, me Jimmy: nowt I can't handle Janis: We'll put that theory to the test when I get there Janis: 5 mins Jimmy: good Janis: thanks Janis: by the way Jimmy: you ain't opened your bath shit yet Jimmy: leave it out Janis: I've got to work on my so real surprise/grattitude some time, babe Janis: want me to fake it when I'm there Janis: alright Jimmy: that top job you reckoned I did faking it goes double for you, girl Jimmy: I ain't helping Pete close so you've got more time to piss about having a go Janis: Not how I remember it, boy Jimmy: scroll back through all your feeds Jimmy: I'll hang on Janis: admitting you're more #basic Janis: cute Jimmy: surprise! 🎉 Jimmy: happy birthday Janis: 😍😋 Jimmy: 💘 Janis: love you Jimmy: I love you Janis: I really do Jimmy: Is it my turn to act surprised or what? Janis: You can Jimmy: #kinkunlocked Jimmy: ages after I thought we'd run out Janis: just that good, baby Jimmy: I'll give you a few minutes Jimmy: deffo worth that Janis: and so generous Janis: 😩 Jimmy: too northern for that shit Janis: Nah Janis: this place has changed you Janis: 🍀💀 Jimmy: If owt's changed take your share of the blame Jimmy: 💕🔪💀 Janis: alright Janis: I ruined your life Janis: do something about it

[all-of-the-imagines-for-eve]

Lonely ~ E.C. (Part 3)

A/n: A REALLY great song for this is "Too Good at Goodbyes" by Sam Smith. This is definitely based off of that song so listen to that if you want the full experience!

Word Count: 5100

My wide eyes rested on my hands, the gears in my mind turning slowly as they were clogged with too much information. I tried to think but it was all empty and numb and nothing was working. I felt a hand on my back and looked over to see a concerned Embry. I groaned, placing my forehead on the cool table and lacing my fingers into the roots of my hair.

There was a chuckle. "Well, we finally got a proper reaction. Not Bella 'Nothing Phases Me' Swan." A few people laughed along and I found my shoulders moving, my chest loosening at the action.

Taking a deep breath, I sat up and exhaled sharply. "Okay. Werewolves. Awesome." I looked around, meeting eyes to make sure that I was getting this right. "You can change whenever and you can read each others' minds when you phase. You're incredibly hot-" I cut off, snorting, and a few of the guys chuckled along. "Natural opposite of vampires. It's always in your blood, but isn’t activated until you need to fight against vampires who are threats. So as many werewolves as you need will be given to you. Once it's been activated, you can't undo it. You can age if you stop shifting but as long as you shift, you're immortal. You heal fast, run fast, are super strong... And you do all of this without telling your friends or family."

"Some of us," Quil agreed.

Another sharp exhale. "So I get that Bella stumbled upon all of this, okay. Sure. She gets to know. But why does Emily get to know? Like did she stumble upon it too? Why didn't you just break up with her like everyone shut everyone else out? And why am I suddenly allowed to know about all of this? Something about Embry doing something? I... don't..."

Looks were exchanged by everyone except Embry, who avoided eyes and blushed profusely. Most of the guys were chuckling, but Sam held a reprimanding expression. "There's this thing called imprinting. It's not... love at first sight per say. You just feel a pull, like the person you imprint on becomes the sun in your universe. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic but it usually goes there. Because I imprinted on Emily, she's allowed to know. That's the one exception to the rule. It hurts us to be away from our imprints and we'd rather get bitten by a blood sucker than let our imprints get hurt."

"Intense," I whispered.

Bella nodded. "They basically become really protective and caring and devoted. All the good stuff. It's kind of cute."

"But annoying," Jacob intervened. "If they reject you, which is unlikely but can happen, it's like... it starts to get so bad. You feel empty and it eats away at you and you can't even try to be with anyone else because only this person matters. Being rejected makes you want to die." My eyes widened.

Embry pipes up, "But you rarely get rejected." He seemed pale compared to a few moments ago, his pretty, dark skin becoming a little sickly. I frowned, concerned. "The way wolves become when they imprint... its hard not to want it and give into it. Anyone can, of course,” he rushed to add in a voice that was almost rounding on him attempting to reassure me. Though, why he would I didn’t know. “But why would you want to? It's like the universe telling you who you'd be happiest with."

My lips pursed. "What if you never imprint?"

Sam answered that one. "Then you take the risk and meet someone and have a life, knowing that there may be someone out there you might imprint on some day."

My heart felt heavy. "What's it like, to imprint?"

Sam's eyes moved to Embry, whose color came back to normal and then grew more red as he blushed worse. At Sam's silent encouragement, Embry began speaking, not meeting my eyes but smiling at his hands as they moved, drawing and coloring a scene for me to see. "Well, it's just... you see her, and that's it. Everything else becomes like background noise and you feel kinda weak and wobbly and you feel this need to be as close as possible. It seems like every little thing that could even sort of pose as a danger makes you jump because you never want to be apart from her and she's your everything and what if you leave her and she gets hurt while you're gone? What if you never see her again after that one time? It's like you've lived your whole life underground and then you move to, like, Florida or something. The sun is so bright and warm and the moon you once thought was so amazing can't hardly compare. Except everyone else is the moon and your imprint is the sun. Like Sam said earlier, actually.” He seemed to be struggling. The poor boy didn’t seem like one to be poetic, but he was trying. It was adorable.

Shyly smiling, I looked at Embry. Under my gaze he shifted. "You've imprinted?" He nodded. "That's sweet. She sounds wonderful."

His blushed worsened. "I think so. I don't know her well yet though."

Eyebrows knit together, I asked, "Why not?"

He shrugged. "I barely met her? So I still have to get to know her."

My smile brightened. "So it's a new imprint then!" He nodded again, looking to the others as if he was drowning and they were standing by and watching. I looked over and saw all of their eyes wide with disbelief. Bella snorted, immediately covering her face. "Wh..." My eyebrows knitted in defense and I turned to Embry again. I was confused, but not enough to press for any more information. I’d had enough tonight. "Well, good luck with it. I hope you win her over. You seem like a good kid, it would be sad if you didn't get to be happy too." Embry covered his face and I looked around again. "What?!"

"He imprinted on you," Paul blurted.

"Dude!" Embry hissed. Paul shrugged.

My mind was suddenly racing as all of the pieces finally fell together and I was able to see the whole puzzle.

What if you never get to see her again after this one time?

Except everyone else is the moon and your imprint is the sun.

Bella sighed. "And you freaked her out."

My eyes snapped to Embry, full of guilt and panic. "Um, can we talk?"

Embry groaned. "Can you just reject me now so we can move on?"

Pursuing my lips, I took tte hand of his closest to me between both of mine. "Embry, can we please talk? In private?"

His face suddenly grew serious. "Of course." I dropped his hand, my heart racing and my throat twisting with my stomach, but in different directions. I stood and he followed after me as I moved out the door to the outside. Not too long ago I’d been here with Bella in a completely different mind set. Why did I keep getting myself into situations that had me shifting so drastically just from minute to minute? It was too much.

Embry closed the door behind him and then we began walking, both of us aware that the others inside could still hear us. The further away I got from the house the clearer my mind became. We walked a while into the woods without talking until I stopped abruptly. He cut short and I turned to him, my face split with guilt. I didn't want to hurt him. But... but... oh couldn't He have imprinted on anyone else? "Y/n? Are you okay?"

I swallowed. "Embry, hear me out okay?" He nodded. "I... I like you. I do. Even in the short time- I mean you're physically pleasing." I flinched at my wording. "You have this really bright smile and these warm, gorgeous eyes and this really nice voice that kinda flows through me and it's really easy to talk you one on one, which is weird for me. I could see us being friends..." my voice wandered off. "Just, seeming how funny and sweet and dorky you are, I know we wouldn't... be good together. You deserve better, and you'll realize that- I promise."

Embry chuckled. "I don't think you understand. I'll respect if you just want to be friends, of course, but you're the only girl I want or ever will want. I won't be able to see anyone else like that. Sun and moon, remember?"

"When exposed to too much sun, everyone missed the nighttime." I said it without thinking, too fast to stop myself. The words were short. After Bella... how could I let someone close again?

After a second, he sighed and stepped closer, his palms pressing against the sides of my shoulders. "Y/n, I'm willing to wait for you. Or to just be friends, if that's what you need. I'm willing for whatever, I just want to be in your life. No expectations, I promise. But if you do like me and you're just holding back because you think I'm... out of your league, or whatever, I have plenty of time to prove you wrong. Don't sell yourself so short."

I snorted. "Fine, Embry Call. Here's the wager: you win when you convince me that you'll be able to find me as interesting as you do now, long term." Embry rolled his eyes. "And I win when you realize that you got screwed on this whole imprinting thing."

Raising an eyebrow, he crossed his arm over his chest. "And what will I get when I win?"

My gaze narrowed and I mocked his body language. "If you can convince me that you won't loose interest and jump boat, I'll be your girlfriend. I don't have anyone else like that in my life and if I found someone, I would definitely make them mine." I held up a finger as he moved closer. "We're only friends until then, though. Friends. Only."

He leaned closed, grinning mischievously. "Challenge accepted." I nodded and he planted a kiss on my cheek that caught me off guard before turning and running back to the house. "FIRST ONE BACK TO EMILY'S IS DOG CHOW!"

My face burning, I called curses after him. "You cheater you got a head start! And you're a friggin werewolf!" But I chased after him anyway. I saw him pull back at the last second and let me win. "Pussy," I accused. He gawked at me dramatically. "Letting a girl win just because you have a crush on her."

Embry laughed, opening the door for me. "Come on I don't want to miss dinner." I grinned as we went inside, the tone drastically different between the two of us from when we left. Picking up on our brilliant mood, everyone else got lively too. As we approached, Embry put his arm around my shoulder. Bella looked surprised but I rationalized it in my mind: friends do that all the time. Plus this was a temporary thing. A fling that'd last a day and then this whole escapade would blow over. It couldn't be as tense as all these Drama Queens were making it out to be. It sounded like a falling in love thing. Not necessarily romantic love, but still. That connection and care that was instant and deep? So soon? Nothing that spontaneous and sudden and strong could last long enough to matter.

In a few weeks, Embry would be completely over whatever little thing he'd found in me that dazzled him and I would be alone again. He couldn't possibly cross the chasm, or break the glass. There was no way he could get to me when anyone who ever tried just ended up hurting me. I wouldn't let him. Because as much as I wanted to, I knew where this was going.

So, sure. Have your fun now. It would be nothing but a sunny dream in far too short a while.

-

It had been three days since I met Embry and after a magical day full of people teasing us and asking if we were dating yet, it all came to a predictably silent ending. He hadn't talked to me since that day. Bella hadn't said anything about him or us, so I assumed that he simply never talked about me and she'd forgotten all about it. It was a day I could look back on as a sweet fantasy my mind had created, when the nights were especially cold and my mom was especially painful and I was especially done with life.

On the fourth day, today, I was in class on a regularly cloudy Forks Thursday afternoon. I was ahead on homework, the math class I was in being ridiculously easy because I'd taken online school over the summer to prepare me for this year as well as get me ahead so I wouldn't stress over it. It left me a lot of time to draw and very little free time to do nothing, which I appreciated. While the class had a work day, cramming out homework and asking for help and all the such, I sat in a window chair and let my mind wander as I looked outside, my pencil tapping against the empty page of my drawing notepad.

Suddenly a scene unfolded as I was sucked into more of a memory than a daydream.

The sun was starting to set but Bella was hesitant to leave, never having seen me so happy and connected and involved. All day Embry had hovered around me, cracking jokes and pulling me into conversations. Other people had never felt so close and I'd never felt so cared about. The others seemed as keen on getting to know me as Embry did.

As of now, Emily had played some music when someone declared they were bored. In honor of the new addition - since she was talking about me, I mentally added 'and temporary' behind 'new' - she had turned on some dance tunes and everyone took a break from vampires and werewolves and stress and regular life to just dance and be stupid and have fun. At one point, Embry had pulled me onto the dance floor and I'd stood, awkward and completely unsure what to do.

Just as Embry was about to give me step by step dance lessons on the dorkiest moves ever, Sam pulled a move and switched out the record to play a slow song. He pulled Emily close and everyone groaned, those with no one to dance with sitting down to tease the pairs swaying or calling it a night and going home. Jake jokingly pulled Bella in for a dance. As I went to sit to wait for her, Embry caught my elbow. "Dance with me?" He asked, grinning.

My heart began to race and by the grin on his fave widening, I knew he heard it. "Em, I can't dance." I felt my heart skip a beat as I processed the nickname and realized how attached I'd so quickly become to him.

His grin turned to an encouraging, soft smile as he tugged on my arm. "I'll lead. There's no time like the present to learn. It's an essential thing to know, really. Very important."

I sighed, giving in and letting him pull me further out. Someone whistled and I buried my face in Embry's chest, feeling as well as hearing him chuckle. His arms fell loosely, naturally around my waist in the same fashion my hands rested on the back of his neck. We talked in low voices as the song went on, me noticing Sam and Emily's lovey dovey expression exchange and Bella and Jacob's quiet giggles as they shared jokes. I could see how crazy about Bella Jacob was and I hurt for the boy immediately, knowing exactly how he felt. I was only her friend but I'd been second to Edward since the beginning and I could imagine exactly how it would feel to be in love with a girl who belonged whole heartedly to someone else. I briefly wondered their history before Embry pulled my attention back again. "What's on your mind?"

My eyes found his again as I recollected my thoughts. "Uh, Bella and I should probably be getting back."

His smile faded just a bit. "What if I took you home? You haven't experienced life until you've run with werewolves."

A chuckle slipped out of me. "You can't run with werewolves." I paused. "Cause, they're fast."

Embry leaned close, his lips ghosting the shell of my ear. "You can sit on my back while I run though." He leaned back again and though his words weren't suggestive or romantic and actually excited me more than anything, his proximity made me shiver. I found myself nodding, agreeing to the idea, and he pulled me closer to him. "Stay with me for the rest of the dance then." Sighing softly, I rested my head on his bare chest, my cheek pressed over his heart so the rhythm echoed where I could hear it. His heart beat picked up and I blushed.

"Yeah, okay."

When the song ended, everyone was gone but the three pairs. Bella and Jake were heading out when Embry told Bella he'd get me home safely. Once I confirmed I was fine with it, they conceded and Sam called a quick reminder to Jacob that he had patrol with Quil the next morning before everyone went their separate ways. Jake walked into the woods to strip and phase without destroying his clothes as Bella slipped into her car, Emily and Sam closing the door to their home after seeing us off. Embry turned to me, grinning. "Get back a bit." I jogged a foot or two backwards and he shifted away from me, only stepping out of his shoes as he didn't want me to see him completely exposed. Understandably. I felt bad for the loss of his shorts though. He nudged his shoes towards me and I grinned before picking them up and pausing. He nodded to me and I climbed on his back, my heartbeat beginning to race in excitement.

My first drawing in that class was Embry and me dancing. My eyes were closed and my cheek rested on his chest, his chin on the top of my head and a soft smile on both of our faces. It was new but natural to have a face to this secret love interest I'd never admit to yearning for. Even more so that the face was Embry's.

I didn't draw the background, instead focusing on the details of his hair and hands. The way he touched me, remembering how warm he felt. I felt my longing rise as I yearned for him, sighing at the thought of never seeing him again. Never being with him again like we were that night.

Next I began to draw us curled up together at the foot of my house. Once he'd brought me home he hadn't phased back, not having an immediate change of clothes with him to hide himself from me. He lay on the ground and I lay my head on his back, our bodies making a T shape as I rambled about everything my mind came across until he was breathing deeply and evenly and I realized he'd fallen asleep.

"Embry?" I shook him gently until his large brown eyes opened again. He was tired and I ran my hand down his face. "Go home. It's late and you're tired. We can talk again another time."

He nodded and rose, helping me up before he lumbered away towards the woods. Towards his own house. I thought of the wind rushing through my hair and stinging his face compared to the calm, enveloping warmth that I'd enjoyed while cuddling with him before he'd left. He paused, looking back at me, and I swore he smiled. Then he was gone and I was alone, the cold night air nipping at any exposed flesh. I sighed as I realized I'd forgotten my bike at Emily's.

The pencil in my hand found the curve of his body and the shape of mine laying on his before the bell rang and my limited time ran out. I smiled at my well done, detailed first drawing and my begun second before I closed my notebook and rose, sticking the pencil behind my ear as I made my way out of this class and to the next. The notebook I carried now was new, the one I'd used for doodles and faceless loves buried in the mess of my room somewhere. When my fantasies and daydreams had started to take definite shape I'd started a new notebook, wanting my personal drawings that I would want to hide to be separate from the mostly dorky superheroes or animals or sceneries I liked to show off when people asked about hobbies or I wanted to show off something I really loved.

To my surprise, my notebook was already almost full. Every page revealed another doodle of me and Embry, as a wolf or human. Mostly just daydreams and fantasies, but with details and features that couldn't be mistaken. It was official: I had a crush on Embry Call.

After school, I sighed as I began walking, my arms crossed over my notebook to keep my secret as hidden and close as possible. With my bike at Emily's and my car nonexistent, I'd taken to bundling up and preparing myself for a half an hour walk in the cold of fall.

I was stopped as I exited the building to see none other than the victim of my drawings standing at the bottom of my steps. My heart stopped and his head whipped around so his eyes could land on mine, a smile breaking out on his face. I moved to him with a grin on my own and a wide-eyed question on my face. "What are you doing here?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "Emily said you forgot your bike at her house." He motioned to the contraption propped against the steps, previously out of my sight. "So I brought it back."

A blush threatened to explode on my face and I was thankful for the cold to give reason to the redness. "You could have just dropped it off." I smirked.

Embry chuckled. "I thought, as long as I'm here and ditching my last class, I might as well walk you home too. We haven't talked in a few days...."

You haven’t forgotten me?

Feeling eyes on me, I looked out. My gaze locked with Edward Cullen's his face contorted with worry and an almost-anger, probably at my own deprecating thought as well as the thoughts Embry and I were having about each other.

Directly to him, I seethed, I once saw you as my older brother. Then, you had the right to be protective and keep me away from the wolves. But now? Now I'm staying away from you. His anger melted for sorrow and guilt and I looked away from him.

Directly to Embry, who looked concerned. I realized that my grin and light mood had melted away for a much darker, heavier air. "You okay?" He asked, tilting his head.

Nodding, I told him, "Let's go." Embry went stiff and he turned around to face Edward. I looked up to see Edward's lips moving and saw Embry's fists clench. I had no idea what the Cullen boy said, but I placed a hand on Embry's shoulder. The brunette looked at me again. "Let's go. Okay?" He pursed his lips, nodding as he offered a weak smile. I went to grab my bike but he moved faster than me, grabbing the handlebars and nodding me after him. I laughed. "Sit on the bike. I can stand on the back pedals and hold onto you." His face instantly brightened and he did as he was told. I did as I said I would, standing on the back foot notches.

He began biking and I threw my arms around his neck, my chest pressing to his back and my face burying in his neck as I muffled my surprised squeak. He chuckled and then slowed. "Hold on." I nodded, tightening my hold and ignoring the looks people were certainly giving the school's loner and the boy no one recognized as we took off toward my house. We stayed mostly quiet other than a few stray laughs when he would swerve the bike or go a little faster or we would hit an unexpected bump until he pulled to a stop at the front of my house. I hopped down, my hair wind blown and my face most likely reddened from the wind. He stood from the bike, looking at me. The look on his face was so fiercely adoring that my stomach twisted and my heart stopped beating altogether.

Even though I knew he could hear my sputtering heartbeat, I was surprised to see him simply smile to himself and offer me back my bike. "Keep this safe. That's a good one." I nodded, taking it from him and pulling it up next to my house, leaning it against the side before turning back to him.

"Embry?" He had turned to leave but now he turned back, more than ready to have me stall his going. It warmed my insides. "Thank you."

A huge grin light up his face and I felt my gaze soften. He was so good looking. "I know one really great way you could thank me." He smirked, tapping his cheek with his pointer.

Definitely not something friends did.

Raising an eyebrow, I clucked my tongue disapprovingly. "Friends, Call." He put on a puppy dog face, his lip hurting out his eyes going wide. The thing that had never worked on me before now had me stepping forward, stepping on my toes and he stopped down a bit so that I could press my lips briefly to his cheek. "Thank you, Embry."

He leaned back, his smile soft and his eyes finding mine instantly. I was lost in his heat and proximity and I didn't want to ever leave it again. I didn't want to have to deal with the cold. I wasn't sure how I dealt with it before I had him to fend it off before this moment and I didn't know how I'd beat it after. "You're welcome." Panic flared through me as the small urge to kiss him rose in the bottom of my stomach and he leaned back, as if sensing it. "I'll talk to you later." I silently nodded, watching as he waved before disappearing into the woods and out of sight.

-

FTL: @alexa-playafricabytoto @chipster-21 @bitchyseawitch

[pass3rby]

Element of Surprise

#1

Fandom: X-men (movies) Pairing: Allerdrake (Pyro/Iceman) Summary: Everybody has to make decisions. Decisions that might or might not work out. He wasn’t in a habit of looking back either way.

A/N: 

Greatest thanks to my brother from another mother for bestowing an infectious prompt upon me and all the wretched jokes that accompanied his insightful comments. You’ve been a great help and an ass at the same time.  The rest of my gratitude belongs to my dear family who has an immaculate sense of recognizing each highlight and “I saw the light!” moment of my writing, reliably and effectively ruining every single one of them. You’ve been an invaluable teacher of forced multitasking (which I still fail at spectacularly).  Thank you, guys, for harassing me at the most unfortunately-picked times imaginable but standing by me still.  Love you.

St. John Allerdyce was a survivalist. And this might be a very sucky way to begin one's story, but he was nothing but cut-the-crap kind of guy, so go deal.

Where was he again? Ah, yes. Good at the pretend game, he knew how to play tough; easily irked when deprived of a fire source. Bad-tempered, really. All of these stellar qualities went well with him being a realist to the bone. Wrap it up and ship it off.

He wasn't confessing all that out of some twisted delusion of having a chance at redemption, though. Wanting to save his tar-dark soul? No. It was only so that when he says that he's done morally questionable things to pull through, it would be clear that it was no slip up, not a 'few times' kind of deal. He's actually done them more often than not. Not that he counted; just saying. That was what he meant by being a survivalist. That was what this was about.

The main point here? He kept on going. Always found a way. Pushed. Squeezed in. Got his hands dirty. Gritted his teeth. Whatever it took. Morality was overrated where he lived; nobody abided by it anyway, so why should he? He was just a 'misfit' trying to get by, same as the next guy from a broken home.

On the streets and on his own. Making it, no matter the circumstances. That was the source of his pride. He might have turned out brash as a result, distrusting on a good day and suspicious round the clock, but who gave a shit. Certainly not him, not when it kept him alive this whole time.

When the X-men found him, he didn't feel elation; not even relief and he was far from thankful, too. He suspected the worst and he kept on running from them until they corralled him in and got him on their overly flashy and disgustingly impressive jet.

They took him in; full of reassurances that he'll be alright from then on, that he'll be safe now. Who were they to tell him that? Who were they to be so sure about it, to have balls to warrant that? What was the guarantee? Their skin-tight black&yellow spandex? If so, allow him to doubt the empty promise, because those were a sight for sore eyes – literally, just to make them sore.

Everything would work itself out and quite naturally in its usual, wary and solitary way, though (after all, once you lean onto someone, you're only bound to fall sooner or later) – if only they didn't have Bobby Drake on their "team" already.

The guy was way too cheery and overly friendly. Optimistic. An impersonification of a 'Think positive!' attitude, "Not made from concentrate, one hundred percent natural". It was almost like he was shooting for some such ad twenty-four seven. Think about the descriptive adjectives for a straight-laced goody two shoes from suburbs; you name it, he's that.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was dandy.

Bullshit.

He couldn't stand the guy. The poster boy irritated him; got on his nerves like no one else before. John was way too pragmatic to join this sort of let's pretend. But when dear Bobert started cracking, show that not everything was quite so well in his lala land… That's when John took real notice and interest.

You see, he couldn't be arsed to give a flying fuck about some fake looser, but a kid who had his whole life perfectly lined up and sorted only to get "screwed over" by mutation his parents wouldn't take well to? That was John's kind of real that he was willing to interact with.

Sure, Drake was still a sunny boy with majority of views intact and therefore headdesk-ishly naive, but he wasn't all plain "guy next door" (quotation marks because same door actually) anymore. And while John's own personality and stands had been torn down or have crumbled and been rebuilt time and time again, making him into who he was (coincidentally basically the opposite of his roommate), he and the Snowflake there suddenly had a link of communication and it held ever since then. Thus, their companionship begun.

It didn't hurt they both were element-sensitive – that wasn't to say their co-existing was a cakewalk, though. After all, like Ice and Fire, they too were diametrically different. Just a small example to draw a picture here: while Bobby was afraid of his abilities, scared of his element, John felt an undeniable thrill whenever setting free his own; he loved to see fire reign over anything in its way, watch it burn strong.

Ultimately, their mindsets resulted in both of them failing and it was all for the best that they were roommates in the end, because accidents.

Reason number two was that they were a good "confidence boost" and "recklessness dampener" (whatever) respectively for each other, too. That's what their instructors said, but if anybody asked John what it was for him, he just simply enjoyed coaxing Sub-Zero ("Very funny, you pyromaniac." "C'mon, that was weak. You'll have to do better than that, Ice Cube.") out of his shell, letting his fire frolic with its counter element. Negative and positive of the same, if you wanted to get poetic.

Of course, there was also the aspect of them both being young and as such, hormone-driven, too. He was always open to some serious self-exploring opportunity. Safe environment for that wasn't a given, not for him, and even less so in combination with someone begrudgingly-trustworthy (i.e. with no other agenda hidden behind the forementioned romping between the sheets).

It was nothing; just fooling around – one that was kept secret from their teachers and anyone, really, since Bobby-boy was too chickenshit to admit to a healthy dose of experimenting himself. John couldn't care less; he wasn't the guy's keeper after all.

Until he somehow turned out to be. What was worse? Without him even expecting it. You see, the thing was… he kinda screwed himself over. For all his puffed-up chest and big shoulders about how he was prudent and cautious, he landed himself in a swamp (or moving sand if he'd so chose to rather stay dry; same difference, though) right there. Knee deep and it was only a matter of time until it swallowed him up whole.

It was all the Ice-berk's ("I'm not stupid, John!" "Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.") fault. If he wasn't so pure and open and easy to approach – hell, he, approaching him all of his own! – in the first place, John wouldn't have fallen into this trap.

Who was he kidding. He blew it. Big time.

But it was still all good, right? What he meant was, there was no rush or anything. They could simply keep at it the way they had up til now with Ice Ice Bobby none the wiser and everyone chilling, pun intended.

He should have known that he was never meant to have a happy end. Not ever (as if life hadn't showed him enough indications to that already) and definitely not with Snow White on top of that. When had he sunken so low as to think he even could?

Shame. Shame on you, St. John Allerdyce.

As he was forced to witness and live the changes that wafted in after Rogue's appearance and continued presence, years of evolved camaraderie and any ease connected to it began to shrivel.

He had suddenly more free time on his hands than what he knew what to do with, his subconsciousness developed an almost uncontrollable need for a facepalm at least once per every 24 hour mark, his teeth were bound to rot any day now with the diabetes-inducing teenage romance developing before his eyes and he better man-the-fuck-up right now, because he did not make it this far only to become a sob story.

So, he watched with skeptical interest as Bobby, encouraged by Rogue's supporting words, froze his mother's disgustingly milk-ruined coffee instead. John knew long before they had even opened their mouths, what side Bobby's parents would pick, what their reaction would be. He could not keep his sarcastic thoughts pointed at his roommate from emerging then.

Why did you think, all of a sudden, they won't mind? We talked about your bigoted parents so many times… You think that you having a girlfriend like a good, normal teenage boy somehow neutralizes your negative mutant points?

If not knowing better, John would say Bobby did it on purpose just to fuck with him. Nobody could be that sickeningly foolish after all. And the Drakes? He silently dared them to surprise him; to call their "Art teacher" out on his blatant lie even. To prove him wrong.

Which would be when Wolverine got shot in the head right infront of them. That did surprise him, John will give them that.

An unexpected rush of everything followed right after and with startling clarity.

One too many black eyes.

Sleeping in a cardboard box, freezing (nobody cared).

Broken jaw.

Stealing a pack of matches the first time around – to get to feel at least a bit safe (they were too tricky to operate, to strike with shaking hands, wrong move there wrong wrong wrong).

Hungry, impotent anger.

Running away.

The breath; foul and heavy with booze.

First fire (pure accident please!).

His mother on the floor, bleeding (never fighting back; just taking it run!).

Heavy hands.

Cops chasing him back into slums (you'd have to know it here better to catch me, assholes).

Bloodshot bottomless eyes. A vortex about to swallow him up, too.

Events flashing before his mind's eye at random and in no chronological order.

His heart not having a foggiest how to deal with the overabundance of adrenaline that jumped up out of nowhere.

"And the rest of you, on the ground. Now."

He could almost physically feel Wolverine, right before his feet, lifeless.

See Bobby, lying down, obedient.

"Look, kid. I said, on the ground."

Rogue, too; docile.

They can't be serious. Why were they kidding themselves? They were gonna die here.

"We don't want to hurt you, kid."

Really. The fucking cop just shot Wolverine. If they won't protect themselves… They're dead. If he's not gonna do anything now…

He gulped. Palmed his zippo; the warmed-up steel that bit slicker with sweat. Or sick memory?

C'mon, Pyro, show up. Fight.

In the pit of his stomach, hot magma twisted and curled, warming him up until he could almost sense the licks of unborn fire on his fingertips.

There.

He won't lie down. Not until he's six feet under.

A/N: So I’ve found something of a themesong for EoS I think. If you’re wondering, you can check it here.

A bit of explanation on a side:

My idea is that St. John Allerdyce still has Australian background, he just moved to US with his family when he was a small kid or something. So... just bear with the little mess, please. I love him being "St. John" way too much as to delete half of it from my story.

Also, I’ll deviate a bit from the movies timeline (which is a tangle anyway) in this version (I got two total, don’t panic), which you’ll notice on the transition from X-2 movie to X-3.