#so julie just thought he was done with her and so stayed heartbroken in new york

[thedeathdeelers]

idk i feel like we’ve already talked about this (we did!! it’s here!! by the lovely @mac-lilly) but a sweet home alabama-ish juke au. yknow. childhood friends to lovers to strangers to enemies to lovers again

mostly for this scene:

“nice dress,” he shouts over the rain and the sound of waves crashing against the shore. “where’s your husband?” he barely throws a glance at her, his eyes quickly averting back to his task at hand — burying the rods deeper i to the sand.

julie is drenched from head to toe, her wedding dress ruined, her hair a nightmare — her make up is probably leaking all over her face, and her feet are aching. but as she gets ready to give him her answer, she can’t help but smile — a genuine one.

“i’m looking at him,” she says simply.

luke stops moving, his back to her as his arms hang on either side of the metal rod he was now gripping with a little more force than necessary.

for a moment neither of them say anything, with only the sound of nature roaring around them.

it represented them well — the pouring rain, the crashing waves; the thunderous clouds and blinding lightning: it was a lot, all-encompassing and overwhelming.

their love was a force of nature, and they both knew it.

luke slowly turns around, hands dropping to his sides.

“what are you talking about?” his eyes scan the darkened area behind her, trying to spot the blond head he knows will inevitably pop up. “where’s nick?” he finally asks when he fails to see him.

“he’s not here, luke,” she says, taking a step towards him. luke’s eyes are back on her, as he watches her warily. what was she up to? torturing him until the last minute?

“he left for new york an hour ago.”

just hearing the name of the city that had become julie’s new home reminds luke why he had tried so hard to guard his heart.

he nods brusquely at julie, walking past her as he shouts over his shoulder.

“you should hurry and catch up to him — wouldn’t want to miss your wedding night.” he grimaces as the words leave his mouth, instantly regretting it.

he sounded petty. and he also definitely didn’t want to picture julie on her wedding night with someone…..that wasn’t him.

luke stops to pick up his equipment off the ground, shaking his head as he digs around in the sand to make sure he doesn’t leave anything behind.

“i’m not joining him.”

luke stops moving, his fingers freezing mid-search as her words slowly sink in.

she couldn’t-

she didn’t-

“we didn’t get married, luke.”

her words hit him like a bag of bricks, dropping everything he had picked up as he slowly straightens up, his back still to her.

he takes in a deep breath- and another, eyes closed and fists clenched as he tries to squash down the hope that stubbornly started rising up in his chest.

“why not?”

“apparently,” she starts, her voice slowly getting closer. “…we’re still married.”

luke’s eyes snap open at her statement, swirling around to find her standing only a few feet away.

“still married? but i signed the papers, just like you asked me to.”

“yeah well turns out…i kinda forgot to.” she shrugs, shoulders moving up and down as a small smile makes its way on her face.

“forgot?” he asks incredulously. “forgot?”

luke groans as he rakes his fingers through his hair, letting out a humourless laugh.

“julie,” he says, eyes on hers. “what do you want?”

“you,” she answers simply. “you were my first kiss,” she continues, taking a step closer. “and i want you to be the last.”

that throws him off for a second, recalling a time when they were kids and julie had told him the exact same thing.

they were older now- things were different…right?

luke just shakes his head to clear it, and asks again.

“no i mean- what do you want to be married to me for anyway? wasn’t nick what you were always looking for?”

julie shakes her head as her smile turns blinding, taking a step towards him, and then another, until she was crowding him, standing in his space.

“so i can kiss you whenever i want.”

she grabs his drench collar, and pulls, until he was only inches away.

“and no luke, it was always you.”

[twig-tea]

GL odds and ends 20 October 2024

Still feeling out how regularly it makes sense to do this; first one was 2 weeks ago on 6 October. If you're interested in GL older than that, check out my GL rec list through Feb 2024 and my update in July 2024. New series marked with an asterisk*.

Currently airing (with thoughts up to Oct 6):

Reverse 4 U 7/8 (Thai, Tuesdays 1:00 PM EDT, Netflix / YouTube) I'm disappointed by how this final arc has gone. We haven't really seen any growth for Wa, and the whole plot with Wa and Vivi's father didn't really make sense. I really don't understand why he had to stay away, or why the rules are so different for him than for Wa. The relationship between Wa and Four also feels flat because we've barely seen them together. I was rooting for this one but alas.

Unlock Your Love ep 6/8 (Thai, Wednesdays, GagaOOLala / YouTube [cut version]) The sequence where Rain and Love keep trying to have sex but getting interrupted/hurt was very funny; this show still drags but the core of it is pretty good. I mostly just wish it were tighter.

Chaser Game W s2 ep 5/8 (Japanese, Thursdays 12:30 PM EDT, GagaOOLala) @lurkingshan is already doing a great summary of this week to week in her JQL weekly round-up!

Affair the series ep 8/8 END (Thai, Fridays 11:15 AM EDT, iQIYI/ YouTube) Other than the jealousy in the last 10 minutes of the show, I really did like this ending for the series. I really liked Wan's decision to take time for herself after being disappointed by Pleng's decision again. The plot and melodramatic-ness of this show is not my favourite, but I enjoyed it week to week in spite of that. The acting was so solid, the women so gorgeous, the chemistry so fire, and the writing was great for the genre its in (the story was internally consistent and coherent, and the characters were complex and their motivations were clear. There was even a good plot reason for the 'they might be siblings' twist). If you don't mind melodrama, give this one a try!

*Pluto ep 1/12 NEW (Thai, Saturdays 9:30 AM EDT, YouTube) Starting off with a fantastic kiss and Namtan on a motorcycle is truly an incredible opening gambit. That being said, I don't buy the core premise of the plot and it is making it difficult for me to actually enjoy the show. I'll probably be mostly quiet about this one because the things I don't like about it aren't actually about its execution but rather my taste.

*Apple My Love ep 2/7 NEW (Thai, Saturdays 11:45 AM EDT, GagaOOLala and YouTube) I already shouted on main about ep1 here; so far I'm obsessed with this show. Kris is too gay to function, and the misunderstanding is perfectly executed. Very excited for this one, it's so far fantastic.

The Loyal Pin ep 12/16 (Thai, Sundays 12:15 PM EDT, YouTube) Anin's speech in this episode was fire. I feel for these girls, Anin and Pin are just so desperate to be together and their choices are limited. This show continues to be gorgeous and so well done, and I keep bracing for pain.

Red Whisper ep 4/8 (Korea, [schedule is kinda unpredictable; vaguely every 5 days??], YouTube) Cheating and taking advantage while your crush is heartbroken and drunk is not my fave but is par for the course with these SukFilm short series; my fave so far has been their first GL so if you haven't seen that yet I'd honestly recommend that instead.

Recent One-offs & Side Couples

We finally got the sapphic backstory in The Hidden Moon but it was (as expected) sad and mostly inferred.

We also got more of the Aim as a Lesbian plotline in the new Love Sick 2024 remake (this was not a plotline in the 2014 version and it's one of the changes I really like and that I think works really well)

Sastra film app YouTube channel has several short Cambodian GL series that come out weekly Honestly they are not to my taste but I don't like gatekeeping GL especially from smaller markets. I check in on these time to time and if there are any that I think are great I'll give them a shout-out

Ditto above with JPC media YouTube channel for Thai GL shorts if there are any that stand out to me I'll say so

Starting soon:

The Nipple Talk, [ensemble] Taiwanese, 1 November GagaOOLala

My Ex's Wedding [in theatres in Thailand 14 November]

Mom Ped Sawan, Thai, 17 November [international distribution uncertain; it should be on VIPA app with subs, but that is region-locked]

Petrichor, Thai, 23 November, TBD

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JULY 31, 2020 Couldn’t find the meaning of my maiden name but I read that it’s an Ashkenazic variant of a similar name.

So was Norma wrong in telling me I’m not Ashkenazi? Well, 23andMe will tell me soon enough! Looks like our kits are now in San Francisco.

I had a strange dream about moving out of some guy’s place. I don’t know if we were romantically involved or how long I was staying at his place, but I know things ended on a sour note. I gathered my stuff as he stepped outside to talk to some guy, then realized I forgot a few more things, grabbed a trash bag to throw them in, momentarily contemplated stealing a soap dispenser, and then thought better of it. Then he came back in and started picking up change from a table in the living room. Then I started to pick up some of the change as well, going for the quarters first. As I did this, he stopped and went into the kitchen and I told him that the rest of the change was his.

The shitty dream was the one where I was missing Tom because he was dead and I was heartbroken and saddened by the reality of knowing I would never again be in the company of anyone who loved me unconditionally and accepted me as I was.

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 2020 Another shitty sleep with multiple wake-up calls although I’m not as tired as I was yesterday. Didn’t wake up to noise but three times to pee - yes, three times - and then just because. Even though I’m mostly anti-pills and afraid of side effects, I’ll keep the Calm Forte pills in mind Aly recommended. Checked them out on Amazon and they have great reviews. The problem is that I drink Sleepytime tea before bed since it would be pointless to drink it a few hours beforehand, and then I have to keep getting up to pee it off.

Going back to my Flintstones vitamins because I don’t think Centrum Silver is helping.

The biggest thing Tom and I think it is right now is appointment stress. I’m over-focused on trying to control my schedule and it’s messing with my sleep. I could pretty much guarantee you that if I suddenly had no appointments, I would start sleeping better. Maybe not great but better. I’ve got to try to convince myself not to worry about my schedule and let it work itself out on its own like it usually does. Also, it’s okay to be tired that one day. After all, it’s just a dental cleaning so all I have to do is kick back in the chair and open my mouth. But yeah, better to be tired one day than multiple days.

Other factors include the stress of sleeping so close to a busy street as well as an uneven mattress. I just don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a new mattress for less than a year since we intend to travel as lightly as possible.

Had a dream my TSH score was 54. I hope that’s not a sign that my thyroid is dying off some more! Hard to believe it would be 54 with treatment when it was 32 without.

Kim is causing trouble for Aly by accusing her of harassing June. She would have told me if she had done that just like I would have told her if I had, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that neither of us has the desire these days to create fake accounts to troll others. I do intend to share certain journal excerpts with the termites in the future but I would only do that from a bogus account if I unblock them and see that they’ve blocked me. Aly and I have matured, Kim has not. She never will either and the only one harassing June is likely Kim herself. She always lashes out at those that call her out on her shit.

As I told Aly, the emotionally/mentally ill are utterly frustrating and exhausting to deal with! Kim’s memory issues, contradictions, stupidity, and especially her lies, really do get old. I understand they go way back and so do Kim and me, and I’ll miss some things about her but not much. The lying alone is a huge deal-breaker for me. Even if I catch someone in a few white lies, that alone can dampen my trust in them, and it can take months or even years to repair my trust in them depending on how they treat me in the future. But whether she’s too fucked in the head to help it or not, she tells one big black lie after another and I’m like, whoa! I don’t need this toxic drama in my life any more than I need vengeful, narcissistic drama queens like the termites. Still not sure I’m ready to go so far as to block her on Twitter and PB, especially when she can just create new accounts. She gave Aly emails and passwords to three Facebook accounts she wanted deactivated that she had created in just a few days. Damn! I don’t understand the obsession with creating dozens and dozens of accounts on the same site. Aren’t one or two enough for anybody? What can 50 accounts do that one or two can’t?

As I said, I’m not going to put that much effort into hiding from her. I would rather ghost than actually do anything because blocking or saying anything could trigger a much worse reaction than ghosting. Blocking is a form of action because of something she’s done, and I don’t want to resort to that unless absolutely necessary. I shouldn’t have bothered to block her on FB, but it doesn’t matter because she’ll probably never use that account again and will only create others. I’m just hoping she’ll be punished for more than a few days, but I wouldn’t be surprised if sometime next month she contacted me.

Aly’s excited to start her new job as a preschool teacher.

Speaking of things that never end like the constant race debate, I don’t hate black people. Seriously. I hate black women. Well, not all of them. But when I think about it and if I’m really honest with others, and most importantly with myself, I’ve never had a problem with black men other than with boom stereos. I’ve even known some black guys who wouldn’t even date black women because so many of them are bitches. Now, I’ve known some really sweet black women. Don’t get me wrong. But yeah, any blacks who have given me shit were women. Girls in Valleyhead, one of my foster mothers and her evil friend, the Phoenix neighbors. A lot of them seem to be naturally vindictive, hateful, narcissistic, egotistical and arrogant in my honest opinion. I would rather sit in a room full of 50 black men than just a few black women.

“People You May Know doesn’t use things like your current location, info from third-party apps or search history to make friend suggestions. People on Facebook won’t know you’ve searched for them or visited their profile.”

Wow, really? That only adds to the mystery of Facebook, though. Dixie swears she’s never created a Facebook account, yet Dixie T was recommended to me. No, I never looked for her but how did Facebook know I knew a Dixie T? I never would have mentioned her full name on Facebook for any reason, and we certainly don’t have a mutual workplace, nor are we tagged in the same photo or members of the same groups, which they say is what their suggestions are based on.

When Doc H, Holly and Shannan were suggested to me, I first thought it was because I messaged them. And then I thought no, it was because they actually read my messages since they weren’t suggested right away. The doctor is still being recommended, but for some reason, Holly and Shannan aren’t.

Here’s where it gets really weird. One of Doc A’s nurses was recommended to me. Now what common ground do we supposedly have? Maybe because she works for Mercy Medical Group and I once shared a review of my old endo there who also works for that group?

And what about a complete stranger in Scranton, Pennsylvania being recommended to me? Unless she’s a member of the few groups I follow, I’m not sure why she would be recommended. We don’t have any mutual friends.

As I’ve recently mentioned, I’ve often wondered if the dream I had in the 90s with my grandmother telling me to pick new goals and dreams was really her from the other side. The more I think about it, though, if the dead could communicate through our dreams, why not more messages like, “I love you and I miss you?” Or how about, “Don’t take those vitamins, take these instead because they’ll be better for you?” Why not that instead of just, “Pick new goals and dreams?”

Tom needed a few things from Amazon so I’m getting more nail strips. It’s just a $6 pack with a set of gold metallic nails and a set of silver ones.

My weight is now starting to go down but that’s probably because I’ve been totally in ketosis these last couple of days. Maybe it would gradually keep going down if I stuck to it but just like it’s hard to stick to a low-calorie diet due to being hungry, it’s hard to stick to this because of the lack of variety.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 2020 Our DNA should be headed down to Los Angeles now. Can’t wait for the results! I answered more questions than 30% of other site members while Tom answered more than 59%. Well, it’s probably a lot easier for him when he doesn’t have as many diseases as I do.

Anyway, I’m expecting Russia and Austria the show up and maybe other countries in Eastern Europe, but I can’t imagine what else I may have in me.

The panels for the corner fence are arriving today instead of yesterday. Both panels are in Navajo White and will be 8 feet by 4 feet.

The Ocean nails arrived and they’re beautiful. I love how they make a panoramic scene when they’re side by side. This is definitely a photograph and not some fancy artwork. The longer the nail, the better, so I think I’m going to put them on this weekend. Next weekend will be when I put the gradients on and cut the nails and the edges off the strips.

Dixie is still insisting she’s had people prowling around her property at 3 in the morning that she believes are homeless and who have been camped out on the golf course or in the cemetery. She says she talked to a cop about it and that they said something about stepping up the patrol.

I’m still not concerned because we don’t have anything of value that’s unlocked and I’m not out at night anymore, not that I would be afraid of anyone as long as they didn’t pull a gun on me or there wasn’t more than one of them.

I messaged Mrs. Twenties out of curiosity, though. She’s part of the neighborhood watch, so I wanted to see if she knew anything about it. I messaged her right after she went to bed, so I don’t expect to hear anything until the morning.

I’m exhausted, as I seem to spend a third of my life being, so I’m hoping to fall asleep earlier and get up at the same time. I didn’t want to let myself sleep any later for fear of messing up my schedule for my appointment, and of course my bladder wouldn’t let me. If I wake up toward the end of my sleep having to pee, it’s not always easy to fall back asleep even if I’m still tired. Either way, this fatigue really seems a bit extreme and debilitating. I don’t remember lack of sleep or not sleeping well being this hard on me. I’m even more baffled by the fact that I usually can’t take a nap despite being exhausted. There have been times when I’ve been less exhausted, yet I’ve napped. I just don’t understand.

More days without pet care would be helpful, especially when it’s such high-maintenance ones that are so much work. I can’t just take them out to do their business or dump a litter box. I have to change cages and sometimes wash than as well. I have to wash supplies, bathe the pigs, trim their nails, and it just goes on and on and on. I don’t regret the rat, but the pigs I sometimes do. They cost a fucking fortune as well as require so much care. If I had energy more often, I wouldn’t mind nearly as much.

Is this going to go on for the rest of my life? Am I going to be utterly exhausted every two to three days for the rest of my life?

It’s no wonder I was so hungry yesterday since I didn’t even have 1000 calories. I ate a lot, but they were low-calorie things. I’m not gaining or losing weight, so I’m not worried about that too much. Especially since I’m not nearly as hungry today.

I blocked Kim on Facebook and Messenger. The account that she disabled. That way she can wonder where the hell I am when she reactivates it, assuming Aly doesn’t tell her and at this point, I don’t think she would share anything I didn’t want to be shared with her. She’ll probably just create a new account, but I totally agree with and understand Aly’s reluctance to get involved with June or the sister since the sister seems almost as unteachable as Kim. It doesn’t get that she’s been way too easy on Kim and that people like that need to be prevented from being online. Forever. Not just some of the time but all of it. She could take a week off, she could take a year off, and she’s never going to change. Any time she can get online, she’s going to create her so-called “role-playing” accounts and pretend to be other people.

I thought about blocking her on Twitter and PB because I’ve absolutely had it with the emotionally and mentally fucked in the head and I don’t care how cold and calloused that may sound. Just like some people feel they deserve better than those that do drugs, lie, or have other character traits they don’t care for, I have just as much right to be picky and choosy as to who I associate with and I think I deserve better than the Kim’s of this world. :-) But because of how far back we go and fears of karma, I decided to leave that alone for now, even though the smart thing to do would be to walk away. She’s a habitual liar. Like most people, I have no tolerance for that shit. Guess for now I’m just going to enjoy the break from her.

A white pickup came in next door in the middle of the night last night. Heard the blower in the afternoon and went to look out the window to see who it was, hoping Bob was back to his usual self and tending to his yard, but knowing that was unlikely. I only caught a glimpse of the person’s backside as they were rounding the corner, and it didn’t seem to be Bob based on how they moved. I think it was Rich Boy. It’s dark over there tonight and I can’t see if anything is in the carport.

The different vehicle is still at Dahl’s place and there hasn’t been any sawing that we know of. Maybe he is away somewhere, and he has a pet bird someone’s taking care of while he’s gone.

We got a letter from the park saying we’re getting a $30 discount each month for a year, but they didn’t say why. Maybe it has to do with the virus or maybe it has to do with all the complaints they’ve no doubt racked up due to the water outages or whatever. I just hope to hell they can stay out of the streets while we’re still here, and if there’s just one more complaint!

We should be gone in a year from now, but the discount applies if you sell your place as well. I’m not exactly sure how, but I guess you don’t have to pay certain fees or something like that.

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 2020 I read that you have 1-3 years to file a claim against someone for libel, depending on what state you live in, but what I wonder is this… If Person A libels Person B (Person B lives in a state that allows up to 1 year) in a post that’s private and then makes it public 6 months later and then 8 months later it’s seen by Person B, does the time count from when it was actually published even if it was done privately at first? Or from the time it was made public for anyone to see?

I also wonder about backdating. If you post something in June that you backdate to last January, do they check that and does it matter?

No, this doesn’t pertain to anything going on with me at the moment. I’m just curious as is my nature to be.

Aly said Kim’s sister found her Kindle and took that away along with her phones. Her only way online is through her Smart TV, but she can only use Twitter’s app. She’s surprised she knows how to use the app through that and figures someone must have shown her. Of course she’s asking Aly to contact June which isn’t going to happen. I don’t see any tweets from Kim since the 25th but that’s okay. We’re both enjoying the break from her. Sometimes silence really is golden!

In the last couple of days, I’ve been really hungry for some reason, although I’m not gaining weight despite all I’ve eaten. This means something’s going on to cause my body to burn more calories but I’m not sure what. Tom, who never gets hungry and eats just because he likes to eat, says all the working out he’s been doing on the Bowflex has been making him hungry. Yep, that will do it! Same with stress or a lot of thinking. I do focus a lot on my writing so who knows? It’s most likely due to hormones as I go further into menopause. But come on, already! Enough is enough! I shouldn’t be this hungry this often.

Made the mistake the other day of saying the power was off until 3:45. It was actually off until 4. It was off for a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Twitter Annie is definitely not Blogger Annie. Twitter Annie is in Sweden and Blogger Annie is in Canada.

The new house was brought in today and Tom didn’t even know it until he stepped outside and saw it. They must have slipped in from the back because nothing woke me up. I’m relieved that the damn thing is finally here even though I’m sure someone else will wake me up around here sooner or later.

Walmart is both shitty and not. Lately, their red meats have been tough as hell, but I don’t get that very often anyway. They gave me tons of zucchini even though I only ordered one which is nice. Better to put up with them because no store is perfect, and you save a ton of money this way.

Over the next two weeks, fencing supplies will be delivered to us for the back corner when we replace the old rotted fence there. It’s not a very big area at all. Eventually, we’re going to put gravel down along the carport.

The DNA kits came today which were simple enough to use. There was a little funnel attached to a small tube. You spit up to the fill line after you’ve made sure not to eat or drink for a half-hour. Then you close the cap on the funnel until you hear it click. It then releases a chemical into the stick that helps protect the DNA in various temperatures. Since we couldn’t fit it in the outgoing mail slot of the mailbox here, we drove to a mailbox in a residential area. It was still warm out, but it should be okay. It’s down to 71 degrees but it’s going to get up to 100 tomorrow. I don’t know what time that box is picked up. I’ve lived in places where the mail came as early as 9:30 in the morning and other places where it didn’t come until the late afternoon.

After you release the chemical, you twist off the funnel, cap the tube, and send it back in the box it came in. We created accounts and registered the kits. I did their survey which had a ton of medical questions. My main reason for doing it is for medical analysis. It would still be cool to find out where I’m from and the percentages of what countries I’ve got in me, but I don’t care about specific relatives, famous, infamous or not. In fact, we both opted out of allowing relatives to look us up. He doesn’t want his family contacting him and I don’t want mine contacting me.

We did give them permission to store our DNA and to use it for research.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 2020 Looks like Rich Boy is in the carport next door. Nancy was there, too.

And the folks are “fine?”

Anyway, I’ve dubbed him “Rich Boy” because he has an expensive Range Rover.

Looks like I’ve got a new… I don’t know whether to say fan or hater. They say they’re reading me but then they claim I’m a horrible person and they have the right to say so because of freedom of speech, not that I would be offended.

Well, as I told them, yes, they have a right to tell someone they think they’re a horrible person even if not all of what they insist they are is quite true, but they are entitled to their opinion, and no, I’m not offended. I don’t even know this person.

This is what I love about allowing anonymous comments; people tell you what’s really on their minds when they can hide under a cloak of anonymity, though they did sign off with a first name, real or not, of Annie. But would they be so open like this on PB where I could block them if I wanted to?

An “Annie” was suggested to me on Twitter and I’m guessing it’s the same Annie since the one on Twitter seems to be European and the comment times are matching up to someone in the Netherlands.

Not sure why anyone would read me that thought so poorly of me but I’ll be the first to admit that no, I’m not a perfect person, and yes, sometimes I lack tolerance for some things just like we all do whether we’re willing to admit it or not. And yes, sometimes I just don’t give a shit about some things and some people. I’m no better or worse than your average human being. I have strengths and weaknesses. I have likes and dislikes. I have good traits and bad traits. I handle some things well while other things I have no patience for at all.

We had a power outage from 2:15 a.m. to 3:45 a.m. last night. Not sure why but it definitely prompted me to get some new candles because the two we have were no good. The wicks were buried in melted wax and were pretty old anyway. So I got a twin-pack of Glade candles. One is lavender and the other is Peach Blossom. Even so, I never found candles to give off much fragrance, probably because the heat source is above the scented part and not below.

Forgot to write about the drone dream I had a couple of nights ago. I don’t know where we were living, but instead of a skylight in the ceiling, there was a whole strip of ceiling that was glass and you could see a large portion of the sky. The sky was very bright and starry. I heard this whirring sound and was trying to figure out what it was. Eventually, I found a small circle of lights that blended in with the stars and realized it was a drone. The more I examined the sky, I could eventually make out dozens of them, even though I could just barely make them out.

Also had a dream the shithead across the street was sawing again and I went to tell Tom about it, but he was at work, so I Skyped him.

Then I had a dream where I had an “impacted” ring fingernail. This wouldn’t be possible in real life as the nail lifting would have to be way higher than possible, but in the dream, the tip of a second nail growing underneath was poking out.

I said to Tom, “See, there’s always one thing after another with me.”

So Kim’s in trouble again. This is no surprise, of course. Aly said something about her deleting her Facebook account for role-playing which probably really means pretending to be someone else and I guess her sister took her phone away as well because of the June drama. Good. A little break from her can’t hurt. But how is she going to create a new Facebook account like she told Aly she would without her phone? Use her Kindle? She said something about a different texting app as well, but she hasn’t contacted me anywhere. I can see that her account as well as her picture group is gone. I was getting just as sick of the picture group because there were too many repeats.

Went down 1.5 pounds.

Just took the bike out. Anyway, not only is there a different vehicle at Dahl’s house (at least I think it’s different because it’s so dark it’s hard to tell for sure) but that’s just the thing. It’s not normal for that place to be pitch black like it is. He always has a bright light in back and in front as well. So yeah, hopefully the neighborhood psychic wasn’t very kind to him with her spells. We’ve been seeing this vehicle for the last few days, but we don’t know who it is. First it was in addition to the gold van and now it’s instead of. Maybe he just got a new car. As for the darkness…I don’t know. He’s probably been sawing when I’ve been asleep, but Tom hasn’t been able to hear it from his room and with the headphones on. I can’t believe he would go this long without sawing unless yes, something was definitely wrong. Could also be that Dahl’s out of town and they’re housesitting, though I don’t know why they’d need to housesit. He has no pets that I know of.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2020 I’m not saying I’ll never return to PB. I still use it to back up private stuff. I’ve met a lot of nice people there and I’ll miss all the comments I would get, but for now, I just want a place where I can get away from the few assholes running around there. Yes, it’s pretty dead in other places in comparison but as I said before, I feel I have more freedom there. Freedom to be me without being judged. Again, I thank those who have cared enough to follow and support me even though I don’t know what’s so exciting about the life of an aging, eccentric homemaker with some health issues, LOL.

I was kind of surprised, although I guess I shouldn’t be, to learn that others are also fed up with the censorship and the constant judgment when you have a different opinion. You don’t have to literally break rules to get crucified by some people over there. Just try writing that you’re anti-looting, violence, destroying businesses and history, and you’re an automatic hater who’s doing nothing but spreading hate. Oh, and it’s automatically assumed that this means you’re okay with cops killing people too. Rolls eyes

And I’m absolutely sick to death of hearing how “privileged” I supposedly am for being white. I have faced many of the same kinds of abuse, struggles and hardships that almost everybody endures in life.

For whatever it’s worth, I’ve never hated anyone for their color or nationality. But I sure have hated some people for their personality and behavior. No doubt about that!

Soon I’m going to make an omelet but I’m going to stuff it with mushrooms instead of cheese since cheese is said to be one of the bad fats that elevate cholesterol levels.

I decided that weekends will be when I change nail designs. They could probably look good enough for up to 10 days, but I think closer to a week is best and that’s about when I would change regular nail polish too.

Right now I have applied a gradient lavender to sky blue with some gold lines, stars and other accents on some of them, though I had to flip them around. It seems most people’s cuticles are square and that their nails narrow toward the tips but it’s the other way around for me. I have rounded cuticles that slightly fan out towards the tips. The only nails that have squarish cuticles are my thumbs. Since my nails grow fast and they’re getting kind of long again, I decided that next week I’ll put the gradient glitter on and cut the ends off. These are the ones that are thicker and harder to file off the edges. I’ll still have to trim them narrower though.

Looking for Kindle Unlimited books can be just as frustrating as TV shows with so many of them set in England. I know some English words but still. Their English isn’t exactly like US English, and the narrated ones really pissed me off with the foreign accents. There doesn’t seem to be an option that I can find to have Alexa read them to me instead, which I prefer. I like how I can not only understand her well but also make her read a little faster if I want.

The rodents, depending on their bedding and size, have their different changing schedules. Blitz, who has a fleece liner, is done every 3 days. Fuzzy and Rockefeller have paper bedding. Fuzzy is done every 10 days, Rockefeller once a week. Rockefeller made me laugh and pissed me off when I went to change him since yesterday was his day to be changed. He and Fuzzy have trays in their cage that we dump. I decided to shuck a piece of corn and throw the husk in his cage and dump it all together. I thought Rockefeller would have absolutely no interest in eating corn husk but the instant I put it in his cage he started gobbling it up as if he hadn’t eaten in years. So I also shared with the other two and then waited for him to eat a bit before I changed him.

Then, even though there usually isn’t a problem when I pick him up, he screamed at me. I don’t know if I picked him up wrong or what but not only did he scream at me, the bastard decided to pee all over me as well. Fortunately, I was about to do laundry anyway.

Anyway, I’m tired today. Yeah, what else is new? This is the 10th day I’ve been tired since June 20th when I started marking my tired days on my calendar to see just how sadly common it is with me. I actually fell asleep earlier and slept for a long time. It’s just that I kept waking up so many times along the way, twice to pee but not from noise. Quality of sleep definitely matters more than quantity. It was almost a wasted 10 hours, sleeping on and off from 6 to 4.

Dixie said to come down in the evenings anytime I want because I really “make her whole day better.” Aw, ain’t that nice of her? I was also glad to hear that Diane is settling back down again to her usual self. Dixie thinks she acted up due to withdrawing from Zoloft.

SATURDAY, JULY 25, 2020 Slept better than I expected. Yes, I was up a long time and after 19 hours I took a baby Benadryl. Slept for about 7 hours and even managed to sleep through the trash and green waste pickups which Tom said was a very loud and long-drawn-out ordeal. They’re still working on prepping for the house too, of course.

Visited Dixie for an hour tonight and last night as well. Went over at 7:30 and left at 8:30. It was beautiful out, but when Tom and I headed out for a walk shortly afterward, I realized it was a little too warm for walking and even a bit humid too. Felt great just sitting and chatting, though.

I just wish she wouldn’t bring up politics so much. It’s too depressing to over-focus on the shitty world we live in. But it’s her right to talk about what she wants and I’m not such a pussy that I had to get all offended over it either. And of course the half a dozen planes and helicopters made it hard to hear everything she said because she’s so soft-spoken. Otherwise, it was a pleasant visit. She watered the front of her place and a family of little sparrows really enjoyed it.

She told me more about Diane’s situation and how hard it is on her to deal with someone who is mentally ill and as I was saying to Tom and Aly, I get that they can’t help being born the way they are, but I can’t deal with them. Whether someone annoys or puts you out deliberately or because that’s just the way they are, well, you’re still annoyed or put out and it still sucks either way. Of course if I dare say on a site like PB that those with emotional problems or mental illness have always been a problem for me, I’d be called a hater. So what if I should have the right to be selective in who I associate with? rolls eyes But it’s true that there’s just no reasoning with them or getting through to them. Marie would be fine some of the time and then when her paranoid and accusatory side would come out, it was like I was dealing with a whole different person.

Anyway, I’ve never cared for Subway, but Dixie was kind enough to give us some of their unwanted free food from Subway. Tom likes some of their stuff. I didn’t care for the chicken sub, but he likes the breakfast sandwiches. I thought I would at least like the salad until I stupidly used their salad dressing thinking it was Russian when it was this horribly spicy stuff so I couldn’t eat it.

Gotta definitely get back on a low-carb diet because my weight is starting to climb again. Carbs and sugar are definitely my worst enemies. No more binging and having a variety for a while. I actually did some promising research that said that having eggs shouldn’t be a problem for those with high cholesterol because it doesn’t elevate the cholesterol in the blood, but saturated fats can. So I want to limit my red meats, processed foods, and things like milk and cheese.

It would definitely be a lot easier to go keto if I could have bacon and eggs for breakfast since the extra protein keeps me feeling fuller for longer. The only problem I may run into is a lack of fiber so I may have to get some chickpeas or beans or something like that once a week, but they say that’s okay to do. It’s okay to re-carb once a week. I just can’t get carried away with it multiple days in a row or have sweets.

So an omelet it is for breakfast if I don’t have bacon and eggs, and then in the middle of the day, I’ll have a meal bar and fruit. My second and final meal will be meat and veggies. I’ll have more chicken and fish as opposed to beef and pork.

On my way back from Dixie’s place yesterday, I briefly met Bob and Virginia’s son. I could see an obvious resemblance to Bob. He’s very tall, thin and wiry. I asked how his parents were doing and he says they’re fine. He got a phone call right as I called out to him, so we didn’t get to chat.

That would be great if they were fine but if they were fine then why is he practically living there now and why does a nurse come out every day?

He had a 10-minute video job interview and is hoping he doesn’t get the job because even though it would be a lot of money and great benefits being a government job, it could really delay the move. Because he doesn’t want it and because I want to move, maybe he’ll get it then. He can’t say no if they want him because then they’ll pull his unemployment.

When he retires I’ll be able to get SSI. It might be just pennies but anything we can get will help make our golden years more golden.

We ordered the 23andMe kits so I’m definitely looking forward to that! I’m more interested in where I’m from and the health analysis than what the names of my ancestors were or what went on in their lives.

Tom said there’s this company where if you send them a picture of your face, they’ll print you a mask with the bottom part of your face, LOL.

The second to last set of nails came the other day and they’re very nice. Not great but nice and they’ll definitely fit. They actually look a little nicer in person than online, but there are some neutral tones that Aly would probably like better than I do (if she likes nail strips to begin with). There are a couple of peachy pink colors that are so light they may not stand out well against my pale skin.

Day 5 of the rainbow nail strips and they’re still looking good except that my right thumb and index finger are starting to peel back at the tips. The ocean nail strips are coming tomorrow so I’ll change them then.

Went for a bike ride a couple of nights ago and did some walking earlier so I think I’ll hit the Bowflex and skier later.

THURSDAY, JULY 23, 2020 Written just after midnight last night:

Just lying here knowing that sleep is going to elude me for several more hours despite being tired. I wonder how many hours of sleep I’ll get before that fucking truck wakes me up again that’s working on prepping for the new house. At least I think that’s what it was that woke me up the last time around. It was like a freight train blasting through the bedroom, even with the sound machines blaring.

A nurse was next door at 8:30 p.m. Pretty sure it was a nurse anyway. I saw her heading into their place with a bag of something. She was wearing a plastic shield. A nurse being there that late can’t be very good. They’ve also been having that navy SUV stay there overnight and I’ve seen Nancy’s car there every day.

Makes me think one of them is dying and I can’t help but remember, shortly after learning of Bob’s tumor, me saying to Tom, “I have a bad feeling about this. I just picture him gone by August and the house on the market by the end of the year.”

Well, it’s close enough to August but I don’t know which one is on their way out if that’s really the case. Maybe Virginia’s heart is failing, I don’t know. I’m not about to go over there and pry for information. It’s a sad situation either way. Both of them can’t have much longer to go. The selfish side of me worries about what we may end up with over there before we can get out of here.

I was telling Tom that if we’re going to hire a realtor to find us a place in Florida, let’s really get the money’s worth out of them and not have them look for just some of what we want. I’d like them to tell us if they see a motorcycle too close to the house. I realize that if a potential neighbor has got one hiding in their garage or they’re out at the time they’re checking the place out or they have loud visitors that aren’t around at the time, they may not know much of anything with just a glance. But if they do happen to see anything, we could steer clear of the place. My sleep is cursed enough without the wake-up calls.

Tom has a video interview on Friday but doesn’t expect to get the job and not just because he’s older and white. It’s a government job that probably pays a shitload of money so there would be tons of applicants.

I can’t see it ever happening but sometimes I really wish Aly lived nearby. That would be totally awesome! A friend who gets me, doesn’t judge me, and wouldn’t bug me in any way. On top of that, she’s super smart and not mentally ill. She may have her emotional moments but so does everybody. Oh, I’m gonna pretty damn emotional, alright, the day we fly away forever!

I’m excited because we’ve decided to get one of those DNA testing kits from 23andMe, though we haven’t ordered them yet. It’s something we’ve been wanting to do for quite some time. One of the Lifetime movies I recently watched, Mommy’s Little Princess, made me determined to check into it. In the past, I never gave a shit about ancestry and things like that but the technology behind it is quite fascinating. It just seems interesting in general and the kit we’re interested in, which is $200, also provides a health analysis. It would be interesting to see what diseases they say I’m most at risk for, but I think I can guess that it’s going to tell me I’m most likely to have a heart attack or a stroke.

Ancestry itself where you learn the names of past generations (famous or not) wouldn’t interest us as much as learning what percentage of each region we’re from.

Tom learned his last name means “pusher,” LOL. Not as in drug pusher but like those that push carts and things like that. Also, most people with his last name lived in Pennsylvania, which was a bit surprising to learn.

Another thing I’d like to have one of these days is an Apple watch, but it can wait. We still don’t want to spend too much on unnecessary things.

I looked up sleep spells and whatever tips I could find. Most sleep spells are just a chant, some requiring a white candle along with it.

On Healthline, there’s a sleep exercise called the Military Method designed for those in combat who need to sleep sitting up. They say it worked after 6 weeks even with coffee and gunshots in the background. Going to give this a try in another hour or two. In fact, I’m too tired to edit this right now. Going to start winding down with my audiobook and will post this at some point in the afternoon.

Written this afternoon:

Fell asleep around 1 a.m. and didn’t get up till 12:30. I was so exhausted so I’m not surprised I slept so long. I still woke up a million times along the way, twice to pee, and once because I smelled the strong scent of the body wash Tom has been using. It’s amazing noise didn’t wake me up because Tom said there was plenty of loud traffic. They’re pouring cement in preparation for the new house, and there were some tree-cutting trucks that seemed to be lost and going back and forth.

Dixie said she would call me because Diane fell this morning and had some bleeding. So I don’t know if I’ll be seeing her this evening but watch, because I got caught up on sleep and I’m not as tired as yesterday, I’ll be up until between 6:30 and 8:30 in the morning. And I was up for 21 hours the day before, not 20. Seriously, though, I’ll be up forever, sleep shitty and probably get woken up by the garbage trucks, then I’ll get to spend my day totally exhausted.

Aly wrote a super short revenge story on Kim where she dumps her but says dumping her would be a “hassle” so she’s just gonna scale back to 2-3 check-ins a month. Me too. I’ve definitely had an overdose of Kim’s June rants. If I ever did dump her, though, I would simply ghost her. I probably wouldn’t even unfollow her on Twitter, and I’ll never let her be connected to me on Facebook, so all I would have to do was just go quiet.

Another report from Dixie saying Diane had a complete meltdown, is with Linda and Walt for now, and waiting to hear back from Diane’s doctor. I told her to take her time getting back to me.

Wonder what disasters will have to happen before Dixie finally smartens up and gets them both into assisted living like so many have suggested she should.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 2020 Thanks, God, for cursing me with a sleep disorder and adding insult to injury by making me the lightest sleeper on earth too. Thank you for allowing insanely loud service trucks to disrupt an already disrupted sleep. I needed that. Be sure to keep the chronic insomnia going! After all, I’m such a horrible, horrible person that I must deserve to spend half my life or more exhausted, right? Right? So keep it up.

Meanwhile, don’t you dare mess with the sleep of those whose worst problem in life is being reeled in by the leash for obsessively sending a million postal and digital messages. After all, nothing is ever Kim’s fault and she should have the right to harass poor old ladies whenever the hell she wants. Shame on you for letting her sister make her do chores! And damn you to hell for forcing her to go on walks too. She doesn’t need that drama in her life. What the hell were you thinking, “God?”

In the meantime, please continue to show your love and support by allowing my sleep to be disrupted regularly, if not by traffic then just for shits and giggles. Bless me with motorcycles and a variety of loud projects when we get to the tester house in Florida so it’s hard for me to test just how often the thunderstorms wake me up when I’m already being woken up plenty enough as it is. Oh, and don’t forget the health issues! Lavish me with plenty of those too. I want ‘em all. New ones, repeats of old ones; just gimme a damn good variety. Pain, discomfort, exhaustion… Be generous because come on, we both know I deserve those things, don’t we? Why don’t you also bring back the anxiety while you’re at it? It’s perfect for a worthless piece of shit like me.

sighs with frustration There are three kinds of insomnia from what I read. Excitement insomnia, grief insomnia, and chronic insomnia. Unfortunately, I have the last one where I have a mix of trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, waking up too soon, and not waking up refreshed. I don’t know that this shit will ever go away. It did say that we sleep less restfully as we age, as I’ve always heard, and are more likely to wake up from noise. Well, I know the days of sleeping soundly without waking up even for a second are long gone. Haven’t done that since somewhere in my late twenties or early thirties. I’m amazed that Tom still sleeps well, though he does wake up for a few seconds here and there at times.

I’ve been alternating between sleeping shitty and being tired the next day, and then sleeping better, having more energy the next day, but then being up 18-20 hours. I was up for 20 hours last night and got up after 6 hours of shitty sleep.

My new multivitamin made me nauseous yesterday, so I took today’s with a full meal and had no problem.

I appreciate Aly thanking me for my friendship. Her nail strips will finally be going out tomorrow. But poor Dixie. I’m so exhausted that I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get down to visit with her. I called about this evening since all I’d do is just sit there and chat, but she’s got company. So we’re on for tomorrow, I guess.

Aly and I agreed to ghost Kim until she’s tucked in bed for a perfect night’s sleep on Thursday. Instead of swapping the same old shit with her on a daily basis, I may only check in every 2-3 days. I asked Tom if he would ghost someone who was annoyingly repetitious with long, repetitive and rambling messages and if he didn’t like the mentally ill and he said he wouldn’t. So I decided I’ll do intermittent ghosting with Kim and never say a word about June or in response to June, not that it would register with the dumb shit as to why. I got two more rambling messages waiting for me when I got up with the same shit she’s been saying… it’s all everyone else’s fault but hers, she’s innocent of what she’s accused of, and yes, she thinks it’s time to forget June. eye roll

Too tired to write everything I wanted to write about tonight, so I’ll leave it at this. Like most projects around here, I’m sure this shit will go on for weeks and that they’ll wake me up tomorrow too. So fucking sick of being woken up every time someone does a project around here!!! Next year can’t come fast enough. As long as we don’t end up next to anyone with a motorcycle or a circular saw, it should be an improvement. Or a regular visitor on a motorcycle. Otherwise, we could go from bad to worse. At least we won’t be in a park for long. Then it just comes down to how that climate affects my asthma and my sleep with all the thunderstorms.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 2020 Yesterday afternoon we crept along behind California’s typical slow drivers over to Roseville to see Dr. A. Because my appointment was late in the afternoon, she was behind schedule.

When she finally came in, she felt around my neck but didn’t find any lumps which was good. She doesn’t think an ultrasound is necessary at this time. What surprised me was that she thinks it may be arthritis.

Arthritis causing a bulge to be noticeable in my neck? And what about that scratchy feeling I occasionally get when I swallow? I do trust her not to have found any lumps, but I never would have guessed arthritis. I guess it’s possible when you think about the fact that arthritis is inflammation and that swells up, which would account for feeling a little bulge in that area. But even when it’s the least noticeable, it’s still noticeable, so yeah, a surprising diagnosis. At least my gut feeling was right on again in that it wasn’t anything serious.

She felt compelled to do a breast exam since I told her I had a sore spot at the side of one boob that I thought was a swollen lymph node, and damn was that uncomfortable! She didn’t feel anything questionable, but I would think that this late in life I wouldn’t be so damn sensitive when they’re pressed on like that. I could cup them with my hands and press on them and it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s only if they’re pressed in concentrated little spots.

A couple of nights ago I had a quick spike in HR for the first time in a while. I started to get that weird feeling come over me that’s kind of hard to describe and then my heart pounded for a couple of minutes. By the time I checked my blood pressure my HR was down to 95. It started to get a little scary but not as scary as it used to be when I wasn’t sure what it was and before I had EMDR.

It’s amazing I didn’t get sick yesterday when I decided to go on a binge. I hadn’t eaten much all day because I didn’t want my weight to be up at the doctor’s office. It was actually down. So I made up for lost time with four slices of pizza, a candy bar, and some Fritos. I wouldn’t even dare touch any of the wine I got at Rite Aid on the way home from the doctor because I knew I would be needing Tums if I did.

Another surprise was that I woke up with my weight down a little more. I was famished by the time I binged yesterday after having just a piece of fruit and a small pork chop all day. I’ve been binging once or twice a week for centuries now and it hasn’t killed me yet. I just don’t think I could stick to low carbs indefinitely because I would miss having more variety and I don’t want to overdo the cholesterol. I’m having way too much of that as it is. But if I go keto or Atkins, I could really be putting my heart at risk and it’s not worth it. I know it would help my blood pressure even more and put me at less risk of new diseases if I lost just a teeny bit of weight but even if I did that, that weight loss would still have to be maintained through almost equally as hard work and I just can’t see myself slaving for what may not amount to much in the end, if anything at all.

They’re starting to prep for the new house and for the most part they’ve been surprisingly quiet about it. They’re quieter today than they were yesterday. Yesterday there was some jackhammering because they had to remove the cement retaining wall. The dimensions of the new house aren’t going to fit the old dimensions exactly, so they’re digging in the crawl space and busting out cement. They left the loud vehicles there overnight, so they didn’t go roaring by the bedroom this morning before I got up. But between the loud traffic yesterday and their work, it almost sounded like old times around here.

With over 15 million coronavirus cases worldwide and the fact that the summer hasn’t slowed it down goes to show it’s not the flu. However, Tom said he read that there are a few very promising vaccines and that the UK could be fully vaccinated by the end of the year. I just hope this shit doesn’t interfere with moving!

I did have an encouraging dream where I was out walking and as I was coming back to the house, I was delighted to find a for-sale sign at our place as it was sooner than expected.

I mentioned my fatigue to Doc A, and she said there are multiple things that can cause fatigue but that trying the Centrum Silver can’t hurt. Then we’ll see what my numbers say in October. I’m a bit worried about that. I just really hope I’m not calmer these days because my thyroid has died off some more. And of course there are the glucose and cholesterol numbers and God knows what else to worry about as well.

I’m frustrated that the stamps haven’t arrived yet and that they have to come all the way from Kansas when there are post offices everywhere, but then I realized it may be because of the design I chose… Year of the Rat.

Kim is getting to both Aly and me with her regular June obsession. Aly is at her wit’s end with her and almost ready to dump her because she’s tired of the long, rambling and repetitive messages about her, and her behavior denial. Kim told us both that her sister feels she’s harassing June and put a tracker on her phone so she can see who she texts and how often. She’s been ordered to text June only once a month. June complained to Carol about the excessive snail mail and digital messages.

Aly and I don’t doubt for an instant that Kim’s getting carried away with stalking and harassing June. I know from first-hand experience that Kim is notorious for harassing, stalking and getting overly fixated on whoever, just as Molly has. I just don’t get how she can be so stupid and blind to her ways. How can she not see how she is?

She’s at risk of losing her phone which Aly and I hope she does so we can get a break from her for a while not that it would teach her anything. She’s as unteachable as unteachable gets. Hell, a fucking dog is smarter than she is! But doesn’t she still have a Kindle hidden away in her closet somewhere?

So I joked, although seriously, with Aly about ghosting her together for a week and then contacting her asking why we haven’t heard from her, LOL.

Just got another message from her. I told her, “Come on, you and I have both been known to harass others online in the past,” and I totally admit I’m guilty of that. So she replies with, “Haha, I remember the drama with Molly and Kathy. We were just having fun. No harm was done.”

But she doesn’t remember stalking and harassing me for years, right? Hey, why should she when she just asked me how my chocolate coffee was right fucking after I told her I didn’t care for it? Fucking dumbass idiot!

I’m torn between ghosting her for good and not. A part of me would feel guilty even though I shouldn’t since she’s a habitual liar, and I know karma would get me for it. Every time I dump someone, something bad happens to me.

But I’m sick of the same old shit! I think taking a break for a week with Aly would be a good thing for now.

It just pisses the fuck out of Aly and me to see her have this great life and to basically be pampered with everything handed to her for nothing, while Aly and I have suffered from all kinds of shit. And oh, the constant agreeing! It’s annoying as fuck. As annoying as those who always happen to agree.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 2020 Killing time with Lifetime movies until it’s time to go to my doctor. I totally get how Aly pointed out that too many of them have these perfect happy endings. More variety would be nice…sad endings, cliffhangers… You also won’t find a Lifetime movie without someone drinking alcohol, and they all live in big beautiful houses even when they have minimum-wage jobs, LOL.

A masked nurse came out to get something from the trunk of a silver car in front of next door yesterday when I went down to check the mail. She looked and sounded like Doc A. I told her to tell Bob and Virginia that Jodi says hi.

The more we think about it, the more we think the oxygen was for Virginia and not Bob. A brain tumor shouldn’t restrict his breathing, yet she was complaining of breathing issues and she does have heart problems which would cause that.

Tom is soaking his feet now in Epsom salt because his feet have been swelling up again. We have one of those foot thingies you fill with water that gets warm and vibrates.

They’re prepping to bring in the new house now and hopefully, that won’t be too annoying. I hope even more that they don’t wake me up as I start sleeping in. The house is far enough away and on the other side of our place that they probably won’t wake me up working on it, but too many large vehicles going by the bedroom could.

Didn’t sleep so well yesterday so I’m having another tired day. Starting my vitamins today.

The rainbow nails came yesterday, and they look gorgeous. They fit perfectly and were very easy to apply.

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2020 Decided to give Centrum Silver for women over 50 a chance and see if it helps with the fatigue I’ve been having. Sometimes even when I sleep well and start my day off with enough energy, I still get hit with random bouts of fatigue. It’s also supposed to help with brain function. The PQQ Tom takes helps with his short-term memory and forgetfulness and gives him more energy, so now it’s just a matter of finding what works for me. I definitely seem more tired without some kind of multivitamin.

I wasn’t going to get any more mopping pads since the robot mops for us but I find that they do a great job cleaning kitchen counters and sinks as opposed to the small Clorox wet wipes, so I think I’ll get another box of those as well.

I went to apply a set of gradient nail stickers yesterday but found this particular brand to be too big and too thick. Maybe I can just cut them down instead of filing the ends off the next time. I do cut my nails when they get annoyingly long so while I’ll still have to trim them so they’re narrower in order to fit my tiny nails, instead of trying to file them and getting rough edges, I can just cut them off.

Although we’re not sure why, our medical group sent us a check for $150. We used some of it to get him a new joystick and me a couple of other sets of nail stickers. One has rainbows, one has an underwater ocean scene, and the other is a mix of solids and designs. This way I’m learning which brands are best. I definitely like the first set of nail stickers better than the second. They may not be as colorful and shiny but they’re thinner and smaller.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2020 Day 5 of the nail stickers and they’re still looking great. However, I got an email saying that the designs I was expecting today are undeliverable because they encountered a problem along the way. So I picked out another set, and we’ll order it later along with Tom’s new joystick since I stole his for the car racing game.

Been having fun gaming on and off and trying to reach new levels and downloading new racetracks for variety. I wish I could really get into gaming. If I could get to be a really good gamer, maybe I could play for money. It’s just that you have to be really REALLY good at it. Not sure I could be that good at the usual games in which they play for money. For now, racing is not only fun at any time but it’s a good game to unwind with. Drank a little wine while I played yesterday evening before bed. Yes, I sometimes do drink and drive, LOL.

Slept better and feel more rested today. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, of course, because I can’t even seem to go a week without ending up exhausted. So much so that as much as I don’t want to, I really should say no to future pets. I’m definitely done with rodents since guinea pigs are too much work and rats demand a lot of attention. I thought it would be cool to have a small dog that would be fun to take out for walks and not have any cages to clean, but I don’t know. I just don’t have enough energy enough days. I know Tom has more energy and would be willing to walk it on days that I couldn’t, but I still don’t know. Got a long time before we get to where we’re in a position to make that decision, though, so we’ll just see. Speaking of demanding, I’m being paged by Rockefeller right now for a veggie refill, so back in a sec.

Okay, last topic for the day. Kayla called from my doctor’s office yesterday wanting to convert my appointment to Zoom and as I told her, what would be the point of that when I’m supposed to be seen for my lymph nodes? Even the doctor said she wanted me to come into the clinic. So they double-checked with her and yes, I’ll be going into the office. I’m glad this was simple to clarify, but come on. You’re a doctor’s office for fuck’s sake. Shouldn’t you be more organized as far as who’s doing what? Seriously, it may be a minor misunderstanding, but it just seems that medical offices of any kind should be a little more up-to-date, informed and organized.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 2020 I hope nothing’s wrong with Bob and Virginia. There were three vehicles over there yesterday. Today there are a couple, plus medical supplies were delivered earlier, so I’m guessing Bob is now on oxygen.

Tom said he saw a guy carrying a tote by the vacant lot yesterday. Maybe to a shed somewhere in back?

For the first time ever, I’m glad Tom’s older than me so I can end my life a decade sooner than it probably would have ended naturally. That’s because I’m bored out of my fucking mind so damn much of the time. There are only so many days I can keep doing the same damn things over and over again. I swear it’s like there’s become way too many hours in a day! So about 22 more years of boredom other than when we’re moving, of course. And maybe a couple of vacations as well. Other than that, it’s the same old, same old. There’s only so much writing I can do as well as editing and reading and watching movies. Hell, maybe I should just pick back up with Camp NaNoWriMo while there’s still time, I figured. So I added another chapter to Roomies even though I don’t expect to win.

The gradient nails came today and they’re awesome! Slightly bigger than the others so I may have to use the first ones I got as a template. Can’t say for sure until I put them on. If you look really closely, you can see slight gaps at the sides of the ones I have on now so maybe they’ll be okay, they’ll just rest snugly against the cuticles.

This is the fourth day I’ve had on the magenta glitter and I’m curious to see how long they’ll hold up so I may not change them today. When I get the other set tomorrow, I’ll decide. The only thing I might not like about the set I’m getting tomorrow is that their sheer, so the designs may not show up as well and look as pretty as a picture. The others look better in person. I’ve got a slight peel-back on the tips of my right hand but otherwise, they’re still holding up great! This is an awesome alternative to nail polish! Way better than fake nails. I used to hate how my hair would snag in the edges of those.

I slept shitty because I woke up a lot, worried I would sleep too late. My Monday appointment is fine, but I don’t want to sleep too late for my dental appointment next month. So I was really dragging and ended up taking a 90-minute nap. It refreshed me a little but I’m still tired.

Dixie sent an email saying she was watering yesterday evening and invited me down to chat, but I was unwinding by then. I let her know I should be able to come down at the end of next week.

To help with the boredom I sometimes experience, Tom downloaded this really cool racecar game called SuperTuxRacer and hooked up his joystick for me. I love all the different tracks and speeds you can go. There are tracks in different climates and terrain. In the rain, in the snow, in the desert, in the tropics, on dirt roads… I have to earn the scores in order to unlock other tracks.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 2020 For any future historians that read this, this is the first time the critical coronavirus cases have hit 60k. Unfortunately, my state broke a record yesterday with new cases. There are now 92 deaths in Sacramento County. If people could quit protesting and rioting, that would really help slow the spread. Now isn’t the time to be whining about the things that piss you off or the injustices of the world by the hundreds and even the thousands in public, masks or not. Do your venting from home!

So Nick Cannon expresses his hate for Jews yet gets to keep his show. Typical double standards. If he were white and bashing a non-white, he’d be kicked off in a heartbeat.

I’m also finding the reparations that are in order in North Carolina to be a bit ridiculous. You can’t change or undo the past and I don’t see why the people of today need to be punished for the evil deeds of those from hundreds of years ago. They call it “history” for a reason and while it may have been a shitty one, obsessing and dwelling on the past can’t possibly be helpful. Grow up and move on!

Back to the virus. This second surge of cases really sucks, and I know it all isn’t due to protests and riots but people’s stupidity. I may not be the brightest person in the world but sometimes I am really embarrassed to be part of the human race as dumb as it often is. It goes to show how many people will put having fun and making money and other things before the health and safety of others.

My current schedule has allowed me to go out walking early in the morning. I just wish my right hip wasn’t so stiff. I don’t think it’s the joint but the sciatic nerve. That’s the least of my concerns, however. Right now I’m concerned about whatever is going on with my lymph nodes. I’m not worried but I’m definitely curious. It just doesn’t seem right. The way I can feel like something’s there when I move my head in a certain position and even when I swallow at times just doesn’t seem normal. I’m more worried about what it may cost to find out what it is and to deal with it than I am about it killing me or anything like that.

Sometimes I wish I would get something terminal not because I’m suffering at the moment, thankfully, but because I’m just so damn bored so often! Yesterday seemed to drag on and on forever. There were things I could have done but I just didn’t feel like doing them. I didn’t even feel like eating much, though I ate enough to be a little surprised to have lost two of the three pounds I gained back.

Sometimes I not only miss things like having good vision, my libido, and other things but also being more emotional like I once was. I do and I don’t miss it. It’s just that as I’ve learned, those emotions were kind of tied into both my libido and story writing if that makes any sense. I miss having crushes which I don’t even have anymore which also seems to be tied to the libido.

Saw a white car parked in front of the empty lot where the house was removed. What, did the woman who owns the place sleep down in the crawl space in a sleeping bag or something? I’ve been wondering where she’s been staying all this time and I’m surprised the new house hasn’t been brought in yet. This would be an ideal time to bring the damn thing in, though, since I’m not sleeping during the daytime now. I’m like, just get it over with so we can get on with whatever the next annoying project may be.

I’m wondering if that next one will be road work a couple of blocks away. I see new markings on the road, not at all surprising. I just hope to hell we get out of here before they’re tearing up the roads around our place yet again!

He signed up for Peacock TV and upgraded to commercial-free since we both hate commercials. I checked it out, but just like with Hulu and Netflix, there’s too much stuff I’ve already seen. Either that or it doesn’t interest me, it’s in another country, or it’s about subjects I’m sick of. He’s going to enjoy it for a while, though. I’m happy enough with my LMC.

Fucking Amazon, though. I ordered Prime Music to be canceled last month but the greedy bastards didn’t cancel it. I’ll have to keep a close eye on that.

I had a dream my mother was alive, and I met up with her somewhere. She gave me her typical disapproving look even though I was dressed appropriately at least according to her standards. We got in her car and began talking about cooking.

The other day I was going through old pictures of my parents and they really seemed quite active in their golden years and like they did a lot, but then they had a lot more money than we’ll ever have. It was weird seeing pictures of them and thinking about these two people’s lives and all the things they had and did that are now just gone as if they never existed. I didn’t feel the sadness, however, that most people might have felt. Too many years of abuse and neglect does that to you, I guess. They may be dead and gone but what they did wasn’t okay, it never will be okay, and they’ll never be forgiven either.

The nail stickers are still holding up well although the right hand is starting to peel back a bit at the tips since I’m right-handed.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2020 Linda Ronstadt is 74 today. She’s getting up there. I wonder how her Parkinson’s is doing and if her day-to-day life is a real struggle or not. I pin some interesting pics of her to my Celebrity board on Pinterest every now and then. Believe it or not, I’m finding some I’ve actually never seen before.

Got some weird-tasting chips the other day from Rite Aid. I like trying new things. The avocado chips were so-so, the olive oil chips were a little better, and the hummus chips were even better. Even so, none of them are worth getting again.

I’ve learned that the crack of dawn doesn’t mean I’m safe from skunks. I was just crossing Astro onto Daisy when one decided to jump out and say hello. I turned and took off in the opposite direction. So this morning’s walk is going to wait until there’s more light. I don’t want the direct sunlight glaring in my eyes, though. I swear the skunks get worse each year! I never saw one at the crack of dawn before.

I upped my review from 4 stars to 5 stars on the nail stickers. They are truly fantastic! I think the only reason they came off in the shower was that I showered too soon after applying them. You really have to wait for a couple of hours as it says to. I used the bath gloves today and had no problems at all. Applying a topcoat to one hand to compare to the hand that I didn’t apply it on doesn’t seem to really make a difference. Both hands are holding up well. Such a great alternative to having to deal with nail polish and polish remover damage! No drying time either which is also great.

They give you two different sizes for the thumbs. I used the smaller one, of course. Found that the bigger one fits my big toe perfectly. So maybe I’ll use them for my big toes and then I would just polish the other toes which are so tiny that they’re barely even noticeable, LOL.

For a while, I’ve been cutting my nails every week to get the damaged parts off, but now I’m looking forward to growing them out long which has always been easy for me to do. Makes typing a bit of a pain as well as using the phone, but since I mostly rely on voice typing, I’ll be fine.

I love these stickers so much that I’m ordering two more packets today. One contains various designs, mostly with shades of soft pink, and also a pack of gradient colors. Makes you look like you just stepped out of an expensive salon! I love how I can have glitter and not have to struggle to remove glitter nail polish which is a major bitch no matter what I use, including removers that promise to make removing glitter easy but don’t.

Fortunately, it’s looking like my nails were damaged after all from constant nail polish and there might not be any fungal infection of any kind because when I gently peeled back one of the thumbs (I couldn’t peel the one with a topcoat), I didn’t find that the discoloration had worsened. Fungus thrives in the dark, so since the nail stickers block light, the discoloration would have darkened if that’s what it was.

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2020 Another day of fatigue. :-( I just can’t get myself to stay asleep. Instead of waking up once or twice which wouldn’t be that bad, it seems like I woke up a dozen times last night.

Lymph nodes keep going back and forth between barely noticeable to being sore. Applying heat to my neck definitely seems to help, though. I soak a washcloth in hot water and put that on my neck.

Down another half a pound. Tom says he doesn’t notice my stomach being flatter because it’s mostly flat most of the time anyway. Oh really? I didn’t know that, LOL.

I still can’t begin to guess as far as what’s got my lymph nodes fired up but the fact that yes, it really could be lymphoma is a little unnerving. It’s unlikely, but I do have more of the symptoms than I realized when I think about it. Night sweats, a little bit of weight loss, and fatigue. I also read that you don’t have to have all or even any of the symptoms to have cancer and that it’s a slow-growing cancer that eventually accelerates quickly. That makes me think of how it started off barely noticeable for a few years and now it’s progressing. I also can’t help but think about my fears of something up there throwing curveballs in our plans to get out of here next spring. Trying not to, though!

I had a dream we were packing, and I was saying that I wanted to wash things when we got to the new place so I wouldn’t be putting away dirty stuff. Don’t know why I didn’t wash it before I packed it, but hopefully, this is a sign that we will indeed make it out of here. What I didn’t like was the dream where I was punching the code into the door of wherever we’d just moved to and it was 2024.

Got the nail stickers and they’re both good and bad. They’re actually great in that they’re much easier to apply than I thought they would be, and they look gorgeous. Just like real nail polish. Actually, even better. Real nail polish can lose a lot of its glossy shine once it dries but not this. Also, glitter is very hard to remove so I can have glittery nails again without the pain in the ass of trying to remove it. The negative is that they come off easily in the shower, so they’re really only good for a day or so.

My nails are definitely showing signs of improvement, so hopefully, it was just nail polish or nail polish remover damage and nothing more. Or maybe the Lamisil really is killing any fungus that may have been present. Now we’ll see if the stickers make it worse because fungus thrives in darkness if that’s what it was.

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 2020 Yesterday my lymph nodes were barely noticeable but by the time I was getting settled in bed, once again they became swollen and tender, especially in my neck.

So I read around some more, and yes, there are some things that can trigger it and one of those things is sugar. I treat myself on weekends and ironically enough, this happened shortly after having ice cream.

Also, here it goes again. Signs my metabolism is speeding up again. Bra’s looser, stomach’s flatter, jumped only half a pound after a big meal… I’ve also been exercising more when I’m not too tired like I am today. Yeah, this is the third fucking day I’ve been tired since the 7th, the fourth since the 29th. Been keeping track on my calendar. It’s like every few days I’m dragging, and I’m getting sick of it. Better than anxiety and when my lymph nodes hurt but still… Can I just have a fucking break for more than a week - a month if I’m lucky - without the fatigue and health issues?!

The last pill cut was 3.5 weeks ago and I’m guessing that the two cuts bumped my TSH up to about 16. So with that being half of the 32 that I started with, maybe that’s all it takes to get back into the single digits, and maybe that affects my weight.

Decided to quit Camp NaNo. I just don’t have the imagination and inspiration I used to when it comes to creative writing. Still love to read other people’s books, though, and I’m on my fortieth one this year. I was keeping shelves on Goodreads and shelving them by the years I read them, but I think I’ll do away with shelves and mark them as read after I’ve read them or decide I don’t like them. The point is to have a list of titles of everything I’ve either read or tried. It doesn’t have to be in any particular order.

The mystery music has been found! It wasn’t coming from outside at all which explains why it would seem to stop when I’d go outside. It was coming from the vibrator Tom has under his mattress pad.

Loving my Narciso Rodriguez perfume sample. I’ve heard people describe others as smelling of cheap perfume or expensive perfume and would wonder how they could tell this. Now I know. It smells awesome! But at around a hundred bucks a bottle, I’ll pass.

I was looking at the population statistics since the 50s and how the fertility rate has gone way down while the median age has gone way up, thus driving the population up. Thank God so many women don’t want kids these days! I hate to think of what the population would be like if they did!

Saw a movie based on the true story of a kidnap victim. I realized after remembering something incredibly stupid I did when I was around 13, just how truly lucky I was being that I was so stupid, naive, trusting and basically with the mentality and intellect of an 8-year-old if even that. Furthermore, I had yet to develop any strength and could have been overpowered easily.

Jenny, a childhood friend who dumped me in my early 20s for having too many problems for her to handle, got me into both cigarettes and pot. One summer when we were at our summer cottage at the beach, I was dumb enough to wander to the next beach over which wasn’t a private beach like ours. It was a public beach full of young people and I would randomly approach whoever and ask them if they had any pot on them. Even snorted a line of coke once, too.

Anyway, one guy said he did, but he wanted to sit in his car and smoke it. It was illegal after all. So I stupidly and bravely got in his car and we got high. He drove up the street where the main entrance to the beaches was and fewer people. Then he says he wants me to give him something in return and as dumb and naive as I was back then, I knew immediately what that something was. I demanded he drive me back and he did. Seeing these movies makes me realize just how damn dumb but lucky I was despite the stranger danger warnings in and out of school I’d received. I don’t even remember being scared either. Just totally offended and like how dare he ask that of me! Makes me wonder, though…did whoever this guy was continue to take no for an answer in the future? Or did some unfortunate naive kid like me end up dead in his basement or something?

Had a dream the Dahl blasted off with the saw and I said, “Okay, this is way too much. I’m going over there. Every few days is too much even for the time we have left here.”

Surprisingly, our house looked like this house (unusual in my dreams) except for the placement of the bedroom closet.

We’d just gotten up and were getting dressed. Tom said he’d get dressed and go with me. I agreed that would be better and then said something about hoping I didn’t look drunk because my eyes were red from lack of sleep.

“You’re gonna kill someone then,” he said, and I said, “No I won’t. I just want to find out what’s going on and for it to stop or at least lessen.”

Well, unless he heard something I didn’t, the rude asshole probably wasn’t noisy yesterday because I went into the bathroom and kitchen too many times not to have heard it if he did.

In real life, if one of us catches him at it while we’re outside, sure, we can ask what’s up. If not, I’d rather go with the late-night anonymous note.

As long as my health is stable, Tom is thinking of getting a job with Amazon in a few months and then seeing if he would be able to transfer to Florida. This would be inland somewhere and the more I think about it, the more Inland is a better idea than coastal. Not just because there’s no land on the coast but because it’s not like we would go to the beach every day anyway. If we went less often it would keep it more special that way. I lived an hour and 10 minutes away from the beach in Massachusetts and only went a few times during the summers as an adult. Then, during the four months I lived in Connecticut, I was 10 minutes away yet never went. We would also be able to enjoy storms but be safer from serious damage, be less likely to lose power, and even less likely to be evacuated. Maybe we can make beach trips a monthly thing or something like that.

While we’re still here I wish I could always be on nights except for when I had an appointment and it could always be summer. It’s the only time it’s peaceful.

I hope the noise levels in the tester house aren’t that bad because I don’t want to feel rushed when looking for a permanent place regardless of what state we settle on.

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2020 I swear I heard music thumping for 40 minutes again tonight, yet also again, whenever I went outside to try to get a sense of exactly where it was coming from, I didn’t hear a thing. WTF?

The most likely plan we’re going to go with, assuming life lets us, is that he’ll get a holiday job in the fall. Hopefully, that won’t be too hard to get due to his age and in a place that tends to give first dibs to minorities, illegals and foreigners whether they’re qualified or not to avoid being called racists. Maybe someday people won’t be so obsessed with what others think of them or call them.

It’s just that there are my sleep issues to think of and the fact that he hates driving. He’s always found it to be very stressful. So why put additional stress on us even if it would only be for a week or so? If the 1100-mile drive from Arizona to Oregon could be as disastrous as it was with us nearly getting run off the road, then breaking down, and then getting stuck, I’d hate to think of what a nearly 3000-mile drive may bring us!

The plan is to hop on a plane and fly to a readily available house after hiring a realtor to find what we’re looking for, even though I highly doubt it will be that simple for us. Whatever is?

Will be seeing my doctor on the 20th since my neck is a little uncomfortable, especially when I’m lying down. I’d rather just get it over with and find out what it is and what I can do about it if anything at all.

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2020 So much for claiming these summer nights have been peaceful when I was listening to the thump, thump, thump of bass from about 9:30 to 10:30. Seems like it was in the park somewhere. Again, why have these places if we’re just going to act like we’re all in the mainstream where anything goes? There is just soooo much noise in this world no matter where you go. I used to think it was a curse on me, and back in the 90s it probably was. But now, given how widespread this is and how many others complain about the same thing, it’s like the whole world has gotten to be one big symphony of noise you just can’t escape from. I think we would literally have to be in the middle of a piece of land that was at least 40 acres in order to get away from society’s regular racket. It’s just that there we would be more likely to get sonic booms. There really is no escape!

I hate to do it, but I think I am going to have to get to my doctor sooner rather than wait until my regular appointment. I agree that it’s almost certainly benign, but it definitely doesn’t seem normal either. It used to be barely noticeable and only some of the time. Now, it’s more than barely noticeable most of the time. It’s uncomfortable lying in some positions. If I get my head and neck arranged in a certain way that compresses the area, it can go from uncomfortable to painful. It sort of feels like pressing too hard on a bruise. So something’s going on, even if it isn’t serious. But as much as it doesn’t seem right, I have a feeling there won’t be anything I can do about it. I’ll probably just have to live with the discomfort for the rest of my life just like with my TMJ, but that much is actually much better. Goes to show that yes, high elevation along with colder temps is not good for it just as I read. So that’s another reason to hope Florida works out, even though I would rather have TMJ pain that I could throw ibuprofen over rather than lose my sleep and have possible breathing issues.

No change in vision or nails. At least not my fingernails. It’s too soon to say whether or not the Lamisil will help my toenails. My toenails don’t have any lifting or dark discoloration, though. That’s only in some of my fingernails.

I’m just a little worried about the virus and costs as far as going to the doctor goes. Also, in the very off-chance that they do find something wrong, could it get in the way of us moving next year?

I had a dream we were staying in a hotel. I realized I didn’t feel well and went down to the front desk and asked them to take my temperature. A young woman happily agreed although she said it would cost $0.30. I was saying how ridiculous that was, but Tom said not to worry about it and that it was all fine. Then she annoyed me by telling me my temperature in Celsius which was 47. That translates to 117 degrees Fahrenheit!

Not that I’m sick or think I’m dying from anything, but I realized that if I was suddenly told I was dying of something, it wouldn’t seem like the horrible crisis it would have been 20 years ago. I guess it’s just being older. Yes, if I knew I was going to die in a few months it would suck that we wouldn’t get to move to Florida together, but I would only be going from one noisy place to another. The only improvements would be that we’d probably be on a quieter street and out of a flight path. But life would be the same old, same old, and that would sometimes get boring. I’ve pretty much done everything outside of my normal routine that I’m going to do in life.

It’s been almost a year since Alyssa changed her profile pic, and after doing a brief scan of the last handful of profile pics, this is the longest she’s ever gone between changes. Starting to wonder if it has anything to do with me and she’s just hesitant to change pictures because she’s annoyed or uncomfortable by the thought of knowing I’ll see it. I never wanted to make her uncomfortable, I just wanted to be friends with her even if we never saw each other and I rarely heard from her. I was stupid to think we ever could be, though. Why would a doctor want anything to do with a former patient any more than a current one? I guess their code of ethics extends further than I thought if they won’t be friends with past patients.

Sometimes I still remember the pictures I had that I would communicate with. The celebrity pics that I knew without a doubt were host to God knows what kind of spirit or entity. I never doubted this for a minute. Never. Besides, if I could be psychic in some ways, why not in that way as well? I always knew that wasn’t just wishful thinking or me being crazy in any way. It was real. It wasn’t just some fantasy I brainwashed myself into believing out of desperation and loneliness. It was totally real.

I think how wonderful it would be to have many of the pictures back and to carry on from there. If the same “beings” could inhabit them and could remember where we left off, I would definitely have fun filling them in on the last few decades whenever I got bored.

Forgot to say in my last entry that yes, Kim and Aly are connected on Facebook. In their regular accounts, I mean. Figured as much. Aly isn’t a part of Kim’s group, though. It’s kind of weird that Kim has her profile so private and doesn’t seem interested in adding me but I’m glad for this because I absolutely would not want to add her with her history. Yeah, people can change in some ways with time and age, but as the termite proved, the tiger never really changes its stripes. One wrong move on my part could set her off and she could cause a lot of trouble if she was connected to my Facebook account, not that I wouldn’t have enough ammunition against her. I know how to get ahold of her sister if need be. Regardless, I have real friends on Facebook, a cousin, and people I actually met face-to-face. Causing trouble on PB or Twitter would be one thing, Facebook would be another.

I also forgot to say that I did a test with Pa. Before bed, I called out to him and asked that he show himself in my dreams somehow, but he never made his presence known there. So my mother showing up in the previous night’s dream was probably just a coincidence. The '90s dream with Nana was probably meaningless as well since she was always a very negative and discouraging woman just like her daughter. So they could both be in Hell after all, if there is one.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 2020 Tomorrow we will have been here for 7 years and today marks the anniversary of that scary day.

Where are my mood-influencing abilities when I need them? Really, I just want to smash that fucking cock across the street. Then I want to smash it again with the damn saw he’s annoying the fuck out of me with.

Started to think I was influencing Kim’s health just by being angry at how unfair it is that she gets everything handed to her on a silver platter just to be in great health while Aly and I have suffered, but I guess she’s had the tendonitis she mentioned on and off for a while now. Also, just like she happens to like everything we like, she has every problem that her sister and mother have as well. Well, she thinks she does anyway.

I crashed around 6:30 a.m. When I got up 5 hours later to pee, I could hear the fucking saw whirring loud and clear. Then I lay in bed until 12:30, unable to get back to sleep because I was stressed out. Tom was in the room farthest from it with his headphones on, so of course, he didn’t hear it. He swore he wasn’t home when he was out tending to the bushes earlier and that no one was home right then either when he stepped out to check, and the saw wasn’t in the carport. It took me a few more hours to fall back asleep. It’s amazing I���m not as tired as I was yesterday. I fell into a deeper sleep than the day before, but I do remember a 2-second dream where I was titling my journal entry something like All Bad News. I hope that doesn’t mean anything! Oh, and I was kissing my old endo in some dream as well, LOL.

Anyway, it’s got to be tied in with his job. Cock cuts something, throws the saw in the shed or his van, and then takes what he’s cut to wherever.

Tom was saying that it’s not only him doing the sawing and while I do know that sadly, but circular saws have also become a popular toy amongst older people as drones have with younger people, I can tell when it’s him.

Then an idea came to me that I’m sure Tom’s not going to like any better than the direct approach being from the West and therefore mostly anti-complaining. Plus, he’s paranoid. I, however, think the odds of any potential buyers questioning him in particular aren’t that great, and besides, they would be talking about the park, not who was moving out. The idea is to leave an anonymous note in his carport asking him to lower the frequency of the sawing. Would it work? I have no idea. But this way, even if he suspects me, he can’t know for sure who it is if I drop it off in the middle of the night. Unless he’s got cameras with night vision, no one should see me. The area by his door is lit up but most of the carport is pretty dark. I could just toss it into the carport, and he can assume the wind blew it off his door or something. Of course, we would deny it if he came over here asking if we were behind it, but let him know that while he’s here, yeah, it does get a little loud and often.

Another benefit of this is that we keep the park out of it. The office will just counter-complain if I go through them.

In the evening when I got up for good, the blue truck, gold SUV, and a white pickup were visiting but they were quiet.

As I told Tom, if it was December or January that would be one thing. But we still have eight or nine months left in this place. When we move to the tester place and we’re listening to annoying projects there, then I could tell myself it’s only for a few months. But we still have a long time left here.

I just get tired of feeling like I have to keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it just so people can have their fun. I think that sometimes it’s okay to do what’s best for us and not worry about how others may react. As he always says, you can’t control or predict others. Well, I say that sometimes it’s okay to put us first. Not sure letting him make a racket at my expense and just sitting back quietly and taking it cuz of a conversation that will probably never happen is best at least for me.

It really is a lot more peaceful at night during the summer here, though I’m still hearing some fireworks at night. That doesn’t mean as peaceful as other places I’ve lived where I didn’t hear a damn thing most nights. But compared to the winter when the only peaceful hours are between 12:30 a.m. and 5:40 a.m., it’s a definite improvement. There are still some loud motors and helicopters.

My parents would have been absolutely livid had a motorcycle blasted in during the middle of the night. They would have been at the office for damn sure. I’m sure it was practically unheard of back then. The world has changed big time. I never expect a place to be 100% quiet, but it would be nice if at least anything that did penetrate the walls of our place was soft enough to be drowned out by a simple fan running or something like that. I’m tired of having to blast this or blast that just so I can focus on things in the daytime and be able to sleep whenever. We’re going to have to get acreage to do that, though. Then we’ll trade in the circular saws and other projects for barking and engine-gunning, but a few hundred feet away is definitely better than a few dozen.

Dixie emailed me a message saying that “a car with flashing red lights stopped by the turkey tree and lit up her room in the middle of the night and she never heard it leave.” Also, did I get mail from Linda about the break-ins we are supposedly having?

No, we didn’t, and as I told her, the red lights that drove past the big Cali oak that the turkeys sleep in were actually the paramedics that came to Lawrence’s place at that time.

She also said she stopped by the Twenties (as in stopped in her SUV as she was going by and spotted them outside). Because she’s disabled, she rarely goes to other people’s places. She said they seemed bothered by her stopping by and asking for information on these supposed break-ins I’ve heard nothing about. Sometimes I wonder just how with it she is.

Sure enough, Walmart screwed up when he went to pick up my meds and he had to make them do it again, giving me Sandoz. He said it didn’t seem like Mylan or Lannett, but something else he’d never seen before. Yeah, something that could have me feeling anxious in a week and then wanting to die in another week. No thanks! Besides, every time I go back to Sandoz, I get the only side effect that goes away after a few weeks and that’s lightheaded. Looking back on all the lightheadedness I suffered a few years ago, I can’t help but wonder if some of it was because they were switching brands on me back and forth, and not all due to the peri.

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2020 I fell behind on my book so I’m catching up with that. I swear I hate the new NaNo, though! It no longer tells you how many words you have left to go before you hit your goal. Not only that, but I can’t see my synopsis or excerpt without editing the project, so what’s the point?

Big sites and change…I hate it. If the big sites like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest are going to have so much change so often, I wish they would at least leave the old features alone. Adding new ones is fine but changing or getting rid of old ones sucks. When I first got hooked on Pinterest in 2015, I could see how many boards I had. Then they took that away and now I can’t even see my total pin count. They’ve even taken away the feedback option but that’s probably because they’re sick of people bitching about all the change. Some people are going to do what they’re going to do no matter what. They keep taking and taking but never adding. You know, like a convenient way to download our boards as we can download our photo albums, tweets, and journals from almost every other site in the world?

Another tired day for me and not because of traffic. I kept waking up a million times as if I was still in the worst of perimenopause. Sometimes I just woke up, sometimes it was to pee, and sometimes I was overheated. Why am I still having hot flashes in my sleep this late in the game???

What was strange was one dream in particular that I had. When I lost my parents in 2012 and they would often show up in dreams, I just assumed it was because they died. I don’t remember when it was, but sometime since we’ve been living here, I had a dream that my father said, “Mom understands if you can’t forgive her.”

I was thinking of that as I was relaxing for bed yesterday and also remembering the dream my grandmother was in back in the '90s telling me to pick new goals and dreams, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was them sending messages from somewhere beyond. Still not sure if there is a God or an afterlife, but yes, it definitely made me wonder.

So as I was falling asleep, I mentally asked my parents to send me a sign in my dreams if they were still out there.

I got up a few hours after crashing to pee and realized at that time that neither one of them had shown up in my dreams. I wasn’t surprised because I’ve tried this before where I would call out to them and request that they make their presence known in my dreams somehow, and nothing happened.

But then I fell back asleep and in one of the dreams I had, I didn’t know Tom. I was staying somewhere with no way to get home. I was so broke that I wondered if I even still had an apartment to go back to.

I looked down at one of my hands and saw it was swollen and distorted which I suspected was from some supplement I had just taken. Too worried to care, I let a psychic give me a reading. Only she didn’t read palms, she read upper backs, LOL. I knew she was for real because she told me things that there was no way she should know. I never mentioned not having kids yet she knew I hadn’t had any. Then she said something about there being a lesson to be learned. She also said I was a something baby. It seemed to be a single-syllable word like prawn or prong, referring to something I was either given or restricted from when I was born. Then someone stole her attention away and I was determined to catch her later to find out what she meant.

Then I went and checked my phone and found that my mother left a message. It was something to the effect of just checking in to see how I was doing. I don’t remember exactly what she said.

My phone worked differently than in real life. I was unable to call her back or retrieve her number in any way and I couldn’t remember it off the top of my head. It’s like my brain just wouldn’t function. I couldn’t think of the date and I couldn’t think of anyone else’s number either. When I mentioned something about my sister, some guy angrily said something about me starting a vendetta.

“No, I’m not,” I said. “I don’t want to start a vendetta; I just don’t want anything to do with her. There’s a difference between causing trouble for someone and ignoring them.”

Then there were bits and pieces of other dreams. Tom and I went somewhere and forgot our masks.

We wanted a couple of rats that were 10 to 20 pounds and very friendly and playful only to find they were $450.

I felt guilty over abandoning some rat in a building after using it as part of a prank.

Back to real life… Yesterday’s exercise mix-up was a 15-minute ab video, 15 minutes of bike riding, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the Bowflex. You definitely don’t feel like you did an hour’s worth of working out this way when you break it up and add variety.

I’m too tired to work out today, though, but if I absolutely have to be tired, today is a good day. That’s because my tummy is a little sore from the ab video I did, waking up muscles I haven’t worked in a while.

All my physical work is done like cage-cleaning, so I can relax for the rest of the night with writing, audiobooks and movies and not have to do anything other than cooking.

The honey garlic pork ribs I made last night were great. I was going to throw in another rib today with some veggies for one meal, along with bacon and eggs for lunch, and then a piece of chicken with veggies for my last meal. I don’t know that I’m up to cooking two more times, but I do have a couple of frozen dinners, so I may have one of those. I need to use them up so I can go back to low-carb anyway.

Tom’s trying to lose weight, but I still don’t see the point in half-starving ourselves and working so hard just to regain the weight with our super slow metabolisms. His life, his body, so he can do what he wants, though. I’m just making sure I don’t gain.

I’m surprised I’m not hungry as hell today because I’m tired. Often times I would notice that I had PMS-like hunger when I would be tired and could eat and eat and still be hungry. So I looked it up and sure enough, a lack of sleep causes hormonal shifts that raise hunger. When I have those days, I have to make sure I don’t eat any more than usual since it wouldn’t do me any good to do so. Both the tiredness and hunger stay with me until I can get caught up on sleep.

MONDAY, JULY 6, 2020 Sent Doc A a message about my lymph nodes, including giving her some history regarding when I first noticed the one in my neck, the nodules discovered in the ultrasound from before I started seeing her, and my root canal. I was hoping against hope that she would reply with some simple tips and pointers but instead, all she said was that while swollen lymph nodes were usually benign, she’d like to schedule an appointment, so please reply and let her know if that’s okay so they can call me. I declined, saying that I’d rather wait until our October appointment since I’m not in any serious pain. Plus, there’s the virus and money to consider, especially the virus.

There were 30 new cases today in our ZIP code alone. 9 dead in my city, if you can believe it. They tend to underreport. If I had to guess, I would say the global death count is really over a million. Still not that worrisome out of 7 billion people but we still need to play it safe as much as we can.

I’m now wondering if what’s going on with my fingernails is onycholysis. When I looked at images, the pictures I saw looked similar to how my nails look right now. My guess is that the Lamisil isn’t going to do me any good any more than staring at red dots for 3 minutes a day is going to improve my vision. I’ll still give it more time, and at least I’m not in any pain from that either.

I offered to visit Dixie yesterday, but she was tired. She’s tired today too but says to let her know if I want to come down. She says Diane’s being a brat and she’s doing some paperwork for a living trust.

I let her know that I’ll probably take the bike out around 8 and will look for her then. I’ve been enjoying a mix of exercise. I ended up getting a total of an hour yesterday doing 15 minutes of biking, 15 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the skier, and 15 minutes of dance cardio.

Damn, does the girl in the video make it look easy! But hey, she’s probably 25 years old and 110 pounds. When you’re as heavy as I am, you don’t realize just how much your arms weigh until you start waving them around like crazy. LOL

I’ve got over 2K words for Camp NaNo. Hate the fucking site now, though. If it weren’t for my buddies I would have left. Things are harder to edit, it said I won when I accidentally entered the numbers incorrectly, and I can’t even see my synopsis or excerpt. The whole site sucks.

Since it’s been a while, I let the rat run around, but he only stayed out for barely 10 minutes. So cute. He really is a good rat. Not the greatest but a damn good one. You can tell he’s getting old, though, because his fur is starting to thin out.

All was peaceful last night except for a few scattered firecrackers/works. Days definitely suck. They’re hard to sleep during and the noisiest, too. They’re only good for appointments and they do help my mood unless it’s winter or I’m alone too much. Cold, cloudy dreary days can get to me as they did in Oregon.

Tom said he didn’t hear it but saw the circular saw in the driveway when he went to pick up some mail. Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t there for decoration and that he was just unable to hear it from his office when it was running. I slept till 4, so I was lucky enough to miss that and the water shut-off.

In the mail were 4 perfume samples for women and 2 for men. They all smell nice.

Had a series of disjointed dreams where we were in a hotel, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with moving. We knew the woman in the room next to us and while I was in our room, I heard her shout out and was worried something happened to her. I kept my eyes on the crack under our door for fear of seeing movement from someone who might be after me next.

Then I grabbed my phone and called Tom who was down in the hotel’s casino - were we in Vegas? I asked what happened and he said the girl just hit her head and that she hired someone to help him win that night.

Then I was outdoors where I was thinking it was such a beautiful day. I looked overhead and saw these strange-looking trees, leaves now fully budded as if it was springtime. I walked on and came across a swimming pool where three or four girls in their twenties were happily splashing about.

Then it was nighttime, and we were in our hotel room again when I noticed he left a light on in the room’s closet. I tried to tell Alexa to turn it off and then realized that the room wasn’t “smart.” I also realized I’d forgotten to take my sound machine but managed to find white noise somewhere on the TV.

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 2020 Although it was only for a few seconds, I got to potty to the sound of that nerve-grating saw I want to run over and smash over the guy’s head so fucking bad. Why are we such a magnet for retired contractors/construction neighbors? Jesse, Bob, the guy down the street, this cock… They make the WORST neighbors. This is obviously what he does be it for his job or a serious hobby. I’d rather the last guy and his loud car before he had a stroke and even his blasting TV.

I get what Tom means about not all things being worth complaining about and about letting some things slide, but I don’t know. I’m getting kind of tired of keeping my mouth shut because this one may do that or because that one may react poorly. As they say and as I learned the hard way, people only have power over us if we let them have it. We still have a long time left here and the odds of the damn cock being questioned by prospective buyers aren’t that great and even if he was, that doesn’t mean he would mention my asking why there was so much sawing over there if I chose to do so.

If he can be doing this shit this often in 100-degree temps, I hate to think of what the winter may bring. Also, the longer no one says anything, the more he’s going to think it’s okay and be likelier to make a racket. Well, it’s not okay. Maybe it is for some people, but I find it pretty damn annoying and distracting. If I knew it would always be a few seconds here and a few seconds there, fine. But I don’t know that. Besides, I didn’t come here to listen to loud power tools!

But there are things about him that do suggest he may take poorly to complaints. Just the fact that he’s doing this so often and that he never went around to his immediate neighbors to say he did a lot of sawing and to let him know if it bothered anyone is enough to tell me he doesn’t give a shit about others. It’s definitely seen as a sin to complain in the West. In the East, people are less likely to hesitate to complain about whatever.

Either way, why is there always someone doing something? First it was Bob’s projects. Then it was the contractor down the street. Then it was the loud car. Now it’s this shit. I’m glad he can’t override the sound machines but enough is enough!

Now on to bitching about the fireworks, although that was nothing in comparison since that was just a holiday thing and not an every few days thing. Worst ever, though! Another “never before” for LV. Never before have I heard such a steady, loud flow of pops, booms, and bangs. I felt like I was in a fucking apartment. Most of it I tuned out like I would with the hunters in Maricopa. It was those sudden and extra loud fireworks that got annoying. I’ve definitely had enough and hope there won’t be any grand finales tonight to use up any leftover fireworks.

Sometimes I wonder if we should skip Florida and get something with 10 or more acres of land elsewhere where it’s more affordable. One or two acres is better than nothing but with some sounds being so ferociously loud, I don’t know if it would be enough of a distance between us and the neighbors. So many people are so damn loud and it only gets worse and worse.

I forget that it’s cheaper to run the AC on the weekend so we’re going to set the home AC at 78 at that time. Then we’ll bump it back up to 80. During the week I try not to do dishes and laundry unless it’s between midnight - 6 a.m.

Did some cholesterol research and was totally surprised by what I found. As expected, eggs are the highest in cholesterol with over 200 mg. What shocked the shit out of me was that four pieces of bacon are only 30 mg. Pork and chicken range between an average of 60 to 80 mg. If that’s not shocking enough, how about shrimp? That’s around 160 mg! It really surprised the hell out of me. I have been thinking about going low carb again a little more often and struggling to come up with something that would be low in sodium, cholesterol and carbs but with a little fiber in it to replace bacon and eggs. But now that I know I’m not killing myself with bacon, I just need to replace the eggs. There isn’t any fiber in cottage cheese, so that might be a good substitute.

SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2020 So glad it’s finally the 4th, but I’ll be even gladder tomorrow. The fucking fireworks are really starting to get old. It was pretty wild around here last night. Doubt any of it came from inside the park, though.

For our own different reasons, we agree that we’re probably going to fly to Florida rather than drive. His reason is that he hates driving. Mine has to do with my sleep issues.

Yesterday I was woken up by the garbage truck. Today it was someone slamming into the speed bump. What will it be tomorrow, motorcycles? I can’t wait to get back to rural living! I’ve hated every community I’ve ever lived in, adult or not. So, as soon as we pick the state!

I had a dream we were going to “test” Florida but only for a few days. I’m going to want to test it for a few months but hopefully, the dream was a good sign. Like most older people, I have gotten less emotional, less sensitive, and less self-conscious with the wisdom and maturity that comes with age. However, it’s going to be one seriously emotional day the day we walk out of here for good! It almost brings tears of joy to my eyes just thinking about it. After so much misery, so much anxiety and some depression (and a whole shitload of noise while I was at it), and thinking I was going out of here in a body bag a few different times, it’s going to be pretty damn awesome when I walk out of here alive and well, hop on that airplane, and just fly away. I’ll be nervous going into the unknown but excited as well.

I’ve been a little tired today so I had the tea with the ginseng, but I can’t say that it made any difference. I would be a lot more tired had they woke me up a couple of hours earlier than they did. Tomorrow I may be more than just a little tired depending on when tomorrow’s wake-up call is. This is why I both love and hate being on nights. The nights are more peaceful (when there aren’t any fireworks) but trying to sleep during the daytime is hell. I don’t understand how so many people who work graves do it though not everybody is just a few feet from a busy street or as light of a sleeper as I am. Wish I could always be on days since I’m a lot better off emotionally, I sleep better at night, and it’s more convenient for things like appointments. Its only negative is the noise. Things are getting worse in this world and I honestly don’t know that we can get that much quieter even out in the country, but one of these days soon enough we’ll find out.

I accidentally caused the washer to lose its mind by pressing too many of the wrong buttons too fast. Tom had to flip the breaker and reset it that way. Sometimes I’m sorry we bother with all these high-tech things. Definitely want to go back to top-loaders, though. Front-loaders are too high-maintenance and smelly at times.

Dixie said she’d be out watering at 6:30 and that I was welcome to come down and chat with her but she has a very soft voice, and while it’s soothing and relaxing to listen to, it’s hard to hear her over the running water along with all the background noise. Plus, as I told her, I’m a little tired. I’m glad she’s liking the story I’ve been sharing with her a little at a time.

I can never make up my mind whether or not I want to use my public MD account for journals or stories so I decided it couldn’t hurt to mix in both.

Noticed the lymph node in my neck was a little more swollen last night so I may go ahead and message Doc A, only I’ll ask for advice and not to come in sooner. Haven’t felt soreness in the groin one, though, so that’s good.

Not sure if the Lamisil is helping my nails. The discoloration may be fading a bit but it’s too soon to say for sure.

I’ve got a chicken thigh, some broccoli, and a cut-up potato cooking in the crockpot in marsala wine sauce and it’s pretty good. I kind of like those little tubs of whipped butter. I can hold it upside down over the crockpot, rake it with a fork, and sprinkle little specs of butter evenly over the food.

FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2020 855 Camp NaNo words written with more to come in a little while.

I totally can’t wait to settle on a state and be done with communities! First it was the garbage truck waking me up, a problem I’ve never had anywhere before in my life, and I just heard that damn saw we can’t even go a week without. It’s only a few seconds here and there but annoying, nonetheless. It’s going to be hard not to just hope no prospective buyers question him and run over there and give him a piece of my mind. We’re still going to be here for the better part of a year and I don’t want to listen to his shit for that long.

Amazingly, I’m not tired at all. I could be tomorrow, though, if the motorcycles take over for the garbage trucks and wake me up.

They closed the clubhouse again and I wouldn’t be surprised if we were locked down again. Tom doesn’t think we will be, though. On the 6th, the water will be off for six hours but I’ll be asleep during that time. First time they had the decency to give us a few days’ warning.

Since I really like Mac better than Windows as Windows is missing so many handy features or just doesn’t work in the way I would like compared to Mac, we were thinking that if we get another stimulus check, I’ll get an iPad. I probably shouldn’t and instead should treat it as reimbursement for all the dental work I’ve had to have done but we’ll see.

Although they say they need to conduct more studies, a small study was done shining red light into about 24 women's and men’s eyes and it was found that it helped their vision. Well, I certainly could use all the help I can get! You only need to do this for 3 minutes a day. So I’m staring into a large red dot on my monitor for 3 minutes each day and I’ll do this for the rest of the month and see if there’s any difference.

We went to Rite Aid earlier since Walmart was out of some things. It was the most crowded I’ve ever seen it but everyone had masks on. Only one dumb cock came in without a mask.

I visited with Dixie yesterday evening and it was one of the nicest visits. She didn’t ramble on as much and I didn’t feel the conversation was too one-sided. She actually asked me about some things and seemed interested in my Camp NaNo project. Sent her the first few chapters.

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2020 A friend and I were discussing how some people have such great lives yet they don’t even know it. Their worst problems are nothing compared to some things we’ve been through. I try not to compare myself to others because it would only piss me off. Life was never fair and it never will be for as long as humans exist. Yet when I think of those whose worse problems are to do chores they don’t want to do while they have everything paid for and catered to them that most people have to struggle for, I wonder when? When will something happen to shake up their worlds and make them look back and realize that their past “problems” weren’t so bad after all? I just wonder when they’ll get so sick or forced to struggle in ways that make them look back and say, “Damn, I really was once quite lucky! I had it so easy. But now I know what real hardships are.”

My lymph nodes are down, I’m pleased to find. They’re still noticeable but not as noticeable as they were before. Maybe my teeth really did have something to do with them being swollen. I’ll give it a few more days to see how they do. If they swell up again, I thought that instead of messaging Doc A asking to come in sooner, I would simply ask for her advice and opinion on the matter.

Pretty sure my sore hip is really my sciatic nerve acting up. A bit of a bitch to deal with because it lasts so long when it acts up. He and I have both had this issue before.

We’ve been bumping the AC up to 80 degrees between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. which is the most expensive time. Not so much to save money as to make the last year’s worth of utilities look good for future buyers who may check into that.

Last night I had a dream that I looked out the back door (which was the front door in the dream) and up at the house across from the Twenties. It was the middle of the night and I saw a tall lanky guy slouched over and running up toward the fence in a hurry. I immediately knew he was up to no good. Then I realized there were three of them. I overheard one say they wanted to smash the windows of an empty place that had been vacant for a long time. This place doesn’t exist in reality. I started to shout out to them and it took several tries before they heard me. Just as one turned to look at me and started toward me, I shut the door and fumbled for the lock. Just as I turned the deadbolt, an act which seemed to take too many seconds, I wished I kept quiet and simply called the cops rather than called out to them. The dream ended before they could do whatever they were going to do next.

I know I had many other dreams but can’t remember them. The only other dream I remember from the night before was looking at a satellite image of someplace and finding a peculiar circle in the middle of a bay. I figured it must be some kind of dock, even though it looked like some kind of drain. Almost like a plug you could reach down and pull to drain the ocean.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 2020 My dentist’s appointment yesterday was a piece of cake! No numbing was required and no pain either when she used the laser to fill my root canal and the two other cavities. They were friendlier too, in that they were more personable and chattier. I was there for an hour and a half and it came to $420. It would have been twice that much without my discount card. It cost us about $150 more than it would to get three old-fashioned fillings with our old insurance plan, but this was totally worth it. Again, I’m glad I was forced to seek out a new dentist because I realize now just how behind the times my old dentist was. I can understand not wanting to invest in the latest technology when you’re close to retiring, though.

I’d say it takes about the same amount of time. What makes it so much better, though, is that they don’t need to numb you since the laser itself numbs you while it works. Of course she also didn’t have to numb the root-canalled tooth to remove the temporary filling since the root was dead. It was strange having her be able to use a drill on me without numbing me beforehand, LOL. The part where they fill the teeth is pretty much the same. It’s just so much nicer having the laser, which is water, clean out the decay instead of the drill. She only used the drill to file the fillings after they were cured to make sure my bite was where it should be.

I’m now whitening my teeth for the first time in months. I didn’t want to do it with open cavities because the bleach would irritate me. I’ve even got a pack of gum for the first time in a while to enjoy. I’m just so glad all this shit is over! Really hope it’s quite a while before my teeth give me any shit again. At the end of August, I’ll go in for a cleaning. It’s important to keep up with cleanings as easily as I get cavities, and I can see the plaque and tartar buildup that we all get no matter how well we care for our teeth.

Due to the virus, they texted me a quick virus questionnaire that I filled out and returned. Then I had to text them to let them know when I was there. A few minutes later they texted back saying I could come in. I went in with my mask on and used a hand sanitizer they had on their counter. There were a couple of other patients there and I saw another girl working with one of them. I’m guessing she’s the hygienist.

I’m glad I wore short sleeves instead of my sleeveless sundress because it was freezing in there. Like as cold as my old dentist used to keep her place. It was funny because she said I looked cute in my little “pink” outfit. Is she as colorblind as my dear hubby, LOL? That pink outfit was really bright orange with yellow and white stripes on the top. It’s one of the few outfits I still have that my mother sent before we left Auburn where the Golden State Killer and former pig once lived.

When I said I wished I could take them with us when we moved since they did such a great job, Dana asked where we were moving to. She didn’t seem too thrilled with what I told her, suggesting we test-drive it first since wet heat isn’t like dry heat. That’s exactly what we plan to do. The dentist, on the other hand, says humidity doesn’t bother her at all and she likes how it reduces wrinkles because it supposedly “puffs” you out, LOL. She said if she was retiring now, she’d move to South Carolina or Texas in a heartbeat. Texas is our backup state, as I told her. I’m more likely to have a problem sleeping through all the storms than dealing with the humidity but we’ll find out next year!

The thing is that we would be indoors in air-conditioning most of the time. It’s not like we would be outdoors a lot or going to many different places. Tom loves being retired and says he could easily stay home every day and catch up on all the fun projects he’s been wanting to do but just hasn’t had time to during all the years he worked. I can see where most would want to stay home when you had to go out day after day, decade after decade. However, he’s still open to going to the beach occasionally and taking a few trips here and there. But yeah, we’re both happy homebodies, you can say. There are only so many places to go every day, we’re not sociable, and we don’t want to always be doing things that cost money. But being homebodies doesn’t mean we’re lazy or irresponsible. We still keep active and take care of the necessary responsibilities that go into caring for the home, yard, pets, and each other.

So since I realized that yes, we really are moving in less than a year and there are only so many more recyclable pickups until then, I started going through unwanted items that can be recycled to toss out.

Dahl didn’t go saw crazy like I thought he would a couple of days ago, but he’s been having more company again and I wonder what’s up. I wonder if something’s wrong with him or maybe it was the anniversary of his wife’s death or something like that. I don’t know exactly when she died. I just know the other guy was a much quieter neighbor. Even the loud car he drove before he had a stroke was preferable to the random sawing.

Decided not to try to hold my schedule. It would only make me more tired than I already am enough of the time. I researched things that are found to be helpful with increasing energy and ginseng is recommended, so I got some tea with it that I’ll have the next time I’m so fatigued that I don’t even have the energy to work out.

Strangely enough, they still haven’t brought in the new house. What was even stranger was that I saw a black couple drive up in a car and then a skinny woman got out, sat down on the steps, and took a selfie. I wonder what the hell that was about. Can’t be a prospective buyer, fortunately, because the newsletter said the woman that lives there didn’t move. I would hate to have blacks move in that close. Even if they weren’t a problem, the chances of visitors with car stereos would be more likely.

Tom just saw Bob and Virginia leaving and Bob was driving. Wow! Didn’t realize he was still with it enough to drive, so that’s great.

Camp NaNoWriMo begins today and it’s time to get on with that!

[petty-crush]

Notes from a tribute to Roger Corman

-on July 29th 2024 a double feature was shown at the New Beverly, paying tribute to the recently departed Roger Corman (he produced both)

-the films were “Brain Dead”(1990) and “The Unborn” (1991).

-In between the films both directors of said films (Adam Simon and Rodman Flender, respectively) shared stories and memories

-both cheerfully admitting to loving David Cronenberg, whose prescience is all over their movies

-both actually knew each other quite well, and collaborated on each other’s work

-Flender mentioned how when he went to Harvard he regularly tried to show films like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” which was cancelled by the facility as it “lowered the aesthetic standards of the program”

-Flender and Simon were never compelled to do artistic wanks inspired by the French new wave or documentaries (which they accuse their classmates of giving into like pigs into shit)

-Flender submitted his student short to Corman. He flew to California (on his own dime). Corman asked if he knew marketing. Flender responded in the negative. Next week he was made head director of international marketing

-Simon had also only done a student short, but was given a chance to direct by Corman(eventually)

-Simon alluded to being fired from a picture by Stallone (he was vague and often didn’t have the microphone close enough to his mouth)

-Simon went home dejected only to see an envelope on his desk. It contained a script Charles Beaumont had written for Corman in the 1960s, but was never made

-Simon loved Beaumont (and the script felt notably Philip k Dick like, another big inspiration)and was blown away he was given the chance to direct it

-Simon mentioned how Julia Roberts auditioned for the female lead, wanting it so bad she hung around the set for a week even after another actress got the part (Simon felt the age gap between her and star Bill Pullman broke credibility)

-Simon laughed at how, for a year after Roberts broke big, Corman would (good naturedly) tease him about that every chance he got

-both Flender and Simon noted how Corman gave each director a list of rules and guidelines before their first film

-including don’t do more than two takes, don’t ask the camera guy how the shot was (“camera men always want another take”), only so many set ups a day are possible, don’t sit down, if a actor has a question- answer with comments on character, and others they forgot in the moment

-Flender cheekily noted Corman didn’t always follow his own advice. When he assistant directed re-shoots for “Frankenstein Unbound” (Corman’s last film) Roger did one take then directly asked the camera man what he thought!

-Flender noted how excited he was to receive the lecture from Corman on directing (he had only heard bits before) but when it came time, Corman noted “I’ve said this speech so many times I’m tired of hearing my own voice. You know what I want” (Flender was a little heartbroken)

-Simon noted how the same year that “Brain Dead” came out, so did “Sex, Lies, and Videotape”; which ushered in an explosion of independent cinema, which took the shine off of new Corman proteges (unlike the wave that produced Joe Dante, John Sayles, etc).

+He bears no grudges

-“Brain Dead” was originally called “Paranoia” but test audiences didn’t understand it or thought it said “Piranha”

-Flender noted how they showed the films for audiences at the Peppertree Cinemas in LA

-hilariously, they just emptied out a screening for another film (in “The Unborn”’s case, “Lionheart” with Van Damne) which caused a third of the audience to just leave

-“but really, that two thirds that stayed, that didn’t care that it wasn’t the film they came to see…I couldn’t imagine a better audience to test your picture against” [Flender]

-Flender noted how they never asked the audience to write down responses, they just watched them (which scenes caused members to wander down the aisles, which moments created unwanted laughs, which horror sections caused screams, etc)

-Simon had a funny moment where Corman, with withered patience, insisted that “Brain Dead” go from 91 minutes to 87 minutes, as the latter was exactly four reels, which saved shipping costs

-“Roger told me ‘Adam, if it was 110 minutes I would let it go. But you’ll survive those lost four minutes’” [Simon]

-Flender was asked by Corman to think of a new film company name, so that he could release additional pictures outside of his exclusive contract with MGM/UA

-“Roger was insistent it have a hard c name, to give it gravitas. ‘Like Cadillac?’ ‘Exactly!’” [Flender]

+(it was eventually called Califilm Pictures)

-Simon had a mild panic attack on his first day, the realization that this wa his big non student break.

-“I went over to Pullman, and totally forgot my comment. I whispered in his ear and admitted my memory lapse. He just looked at me, nodded his head, said ‘Got it’ like I knew what I was talking about. What a guy” [Simon]

-Corman liked what Simon had done and offered him “Body Chemistry” (an erotic thriller). Simon declined and pursued a project with John Landis that didn’t happen (never specified)

-“I went back to Roger, who was smiling, noting that I technically owed him two more films on my three picture contract. I asked what he had for me. With a bigger smile he raised his fingers and said ‘Body Chemistry II’” [Simon]

-Felder noted “what a honor” it was to be the B Film in a tribute to Roger Corman

-both laughed and quickly noted how Corman really didn’t think (or like) of them as B Films, at least in the classic sense of bring the 2nd less important picture on a double bill

-Wrapping it up, Simon and Felder noted how many Corman meant to them, as an inspiration, mentor, and as a film lover. It capsized an genuine sense of joy they felt for the man

Fuck the flowers, they gave him his fruit baskets

[bitchinbarzal]

Vancouver | J.Hughes

summary: after a hurtful breakup he never thought he’d hear her voice again.

not entirely sure what this is but have it anyway

-

Through high school and all the junior clubs he went through, Jack stayed devoted to you and your relationship.

It surprised a lot of people. He was the supposed heartbreaker and player of the group of friends but he proved everyone wrong.

It all went downhill after the draft.

You’d been alongside him when he was drafted, cheering the loudest alongside his family. You were so proud of him.

He wasn’t like Quinn, he didn’t want to take time out or go slow into his career. When he heard first pick it went straight to his head.

It hurt to see what he became right infront of your eyes. He made the move straight to Jersey, threw himself into the team and proving himself to the organisation while pushing you away in the meantime.

The breakup was slow and he was oblivious. You’d stayed in Michigan after he left so the phone calls got fewer and fewer, you stop flying out to visit so much and even stopped hanging out with his family.

It became final when you flew out to Jersey to watch a game. He hadn’t done much with you being there and when the weekend ended and you had your bags packed you held onto him for just a little longer.

“Goodbye J” you mumbled, a slight crack in your voice.

“I’ll see you in a couple weeks at the red wings game, right? No need to be upset babe”

You shook your head “No, Jack I- I don’t think I can do this any longer”

“What? What are you talking about?”

He reached out for your hand but you pulled away

“I lost you Jack-“ “I’m right here! What are you on about?”

You were trying so hard not to get upset “I lost you, the real you, my Jack back in Vancouver. The day you became Jack Hughes the devil I lost you”

He had been rendered speechless, stumbling back a few steps.

“Goodbye Jack”

No reply. Just the sound of your suitcase wheels squeaking out the door for the last time.

He was heartbroken.

The days, weeks, months following he reflected on everything that had happened since he had been drafted.

Maybe you were right.

He’d tried filling the void with random party girls, set ups and dating app girls but nothing ever came close.

His family saw you around still. You went to lunch with Luke oftentimes but he never told Jack about it.

You’d told him that you’d dropped out of college and signed a record deal. You were finally getting your dream of creating music, being a voice and being heard.

“We’re really proud of you - all of us. We’re just really sorry”

“Everything happens for a reason Lu, I’m okay”

The first song you produced hit number one on the charts days after it’s release, it was all over social media.

It was the off season and the Hughes’ were all home at the lake house with their friends. Fourth of July, everyone was over.

Someone had brought out a speaker to the deck, tuning in the radio and turning up the volume to the max volume.

“and next up we have a brand new artist on the scene, she’s still young but she’s already broken the internet with her sound. this is vancouver by y/n y/l/n”

Everyone quietened down, some throwing glances Jack’s way as the music began.

He looked straight at the speaker as if it were you standing there.

He never thought he’d hear your voice again.

“-but I lost you in vancouver, it’s still so cold”

“I lost you when the devil got a hold”

He felt like he couldn’t breathe mid way through the song, standing up to excuse himself. He broke down in the living room still hearing your voice in the background.

Ellen rushed in behind him, holding onto him from the back whispering “It’s okay, you’re okay sweetheart”

“Mom-“ “I know baby, I know it’s okay”

He wasn’t the same that summer and returned to Jersey sooner than planned just throwing himself into work.

The season opener brought plenty questions from the media

“Jack, you signed a huge contract this off season. How do you feel? What’s the plan?”

“Um yeah, I mean I think I just gotta keep my head down and prove to the organisation we can continue what we started back in Vancouver, I lost a lot to get to this point and I’m gonna make sure it wasn’t for nothing. I’ve got a lot of people behind me to support so I just gotta do what I can”

At home, you sat watching the interview

“I’ll always be behind you J, you got this”

[anasticep]

Why Julie and the Phantoms is a masterpiece of a show. Part 1 of 3

· NOTE: if somehow you happen to like my gifs, please, feel free to use them. But, please, don’t crop or change.

· NOTE 2: This meta has been flourishing in my mind for quite a long time, but it was @catty-words meta on Perfect Harmony that inspired me to actually put it all on paper

· NOTE 3: I planned two parts of this, but ended up with far more gifs than a post allows. I dunno. Not sure if anyone will actually be interested in this rumbling. Probably it won’t even be a new and outstanding thinking. I’ll see how it goes.

What sets a good show apart? I’ll tell you exactly this: the pilot and the finale.

Whether it’s a season finale or a grand finale, it doesn’t matter for a scenario. People tend to forget the middle, that’s why all we remember about LOST is this weird full of dead people church that simply left the fans heartbroken. But frankly speaking, LOST ended so much better then most modern shows. And honestly I get why it’s so hard to keep track on things after 6 years and such a long row of characters. That’s why making a season in one take is so much better, when writers do not depend on what the fans think or like or ship. They simply do their job.

Do I need to say that our brain clearly remembers everything we throw at it? We think we forget, but that’s not quite true. That’s also the reason how we distinguish what we like and dislike – we remember all the small things and foreshadowing. Also that’s why we keep re-watching the shows we love: we simply acknowledge what our brain already knows. We simply find that thread that links everything together.

And they can be simple things. But first on what made this script a masterpiece for me: first and last scenes in the studio (+some things from 0102 band circle scene of 0109).

1. The Studio Intro

In 0101 Julie hesitates to go in the garage. She was reluctant to go in the first place. It signifies everything she’s lost: mother, music, voice. She inhales deeply, steadying herself. She can do this.

In 0109 it’s quite the opposite. She wanted to go there even though she knew the guys had already crossed over. Now this place signifies everything she gained back and more: music, voice, friends and, of course, a way back to her mother. She did it.

And this is a perfect visual explanation of the line “It’s not what you lost, it’s what you gain raising your voice to the rain”

2. The Band Intro

Can you see it the way I see it? It’s not a coincidence, it’s been done on purpose. Julie is mortified both times but for completely different reasons. In 0101 she is scared OF them. In 0109 she is scared FOR them. It’s so heartbreakingly beautiful it even hurts.

3. Personal space

In 0101 Julie and Luke are both scared of each other. See that extra step she did to push him away? Or the way he acts as if Julie is really a witch that could curse him? And who needs any personal space in 0109? These scenes show their journey in the best way possible.

4. You have to leave

In 0101 after accepting the fact that she was sane enough and these three ghosts really existed Julie is simply annoyed. She orders them to leave. She doesn’t what them to exist in her life. She has no time to deal with these dead cute boys. She wants them gone.

In 0109 after acknowledging that their plan has failed she also wants them gone. She orders them to leave again. But she wants to save them and for now that’s the only way she can think of. It’s better than not existing at all, even if it means not existing in her life.

And just look at the directing. The shots are almost twins! Julie mimics the scene from 0101 almost entirely, although it hits on a different level. I don't exactly know why it makes me so excited, probably I'm just very tired of mediocre scripts.

5. Maybe she’s a witch

I’m sure she is at least to some extent. It’s such a wonderful foreshadowing. I hope in season 2 we'll find out more but I think the perception on this in "Feels like I’ve opened my eyes again" by @pink-flame is very close if not almost entirely accurate to what I thought about season 2 and all this magic thing. Such a masterpiece of a fanfiction btw, I wish I found the show sooner and was reading it chapter by chapter. One of the best things I've read so far in any fandom.

6. Attached to our souls & 7. She's warming up to us

Do I need to say much? That’s the magic Julie has: her love for these boys. They are attached to her soul.

8. We had nowhere else to go

To think about it, they didn’t need Julie’s permission to stay in the first place. Like… How on earth would she even get rid of them? But that’s what defined these friendship from the start. They asked for permission in 0101 and in 0109 Luke’s words are almost apologetic that they ended up in her garage again.

9. I'm sorry we came into your life

Again, look at how both episodes have been shot. 0101 they stand apart, not knowing anything about each other yet. They both are not very comfortable with the whole situation and Luke voices what Julie might be thinking: why me? In 0109 Julie answers her past self that it was a blessing and a miracle. They are the closest they've ever got to be and the most sincere.

10. I have space for only one more gif and I'm simply fond of this parallel. We need a Witch!Julie AU)))))

________________________

Due to the pics limit I have to stop here. But there is so much more to say. So stay tuned to see Parts two and three if you liked this one. God, I hope you did

[pink-flame]

Juke Bodyguard AU Pt.3

Here it is! The third and final part of the Juke Bodyguard AU inspired by your requests from the trope game. I reserve the right to do a standalone in this universe at some point but this wraps things up nicely for now. Enjoy! 

Part 1

Part 2

Bodyguard AU + Love Confessor (Character A confessing their love for Character B to Character C)  

Julie was used to change.

Bad change like when her mom got sick and she had to learn who she was when she couldn’t see it reflected back at her through her mother’s eyes. Bad change like when music felt like a stranger and everything she had ever wanted seemed suddenly pointless.

Good change like when she found her way back to it with a vengeance, Alex and her dad and Reggie and Carlos and Flynn refusing to give up until she started chasing her dream again. Good change like when against all odds those dreams actually started coming true, the record deal, and the hit albums and now her first national tour, a new city every night.

What she wasn’t used to was waiting for a change that didn’t seem to be coming.

She had been so sure after what she now internally referred to as “the flu incident” that things between her and Luke would change. That their vaguely flirty dynamic would transition naturally into more flu incident level expressions of affection and then a love confession, marriage and 2-3 obnoxiously good looking babies. Not right away on those last two or anything but still.

And yet here they were, three months and 24 shows later, and they were right back in vaguely flirty territory. Only she was finding it harder and harder to flirt back now that the realization that flirting was all it might ever be started to sink in.

And maybe that was the way it was supposed to be.

After all, he was her bodyguard. She was technically his boss.

She was a strong, independent woman with a thriving music career. She didn’t need some floppy haired boy to complete her life.

Didn’t stop her from wanting him though.

She didn’t bother to go to Alex for advice since he was firmly on what he had taken to calling “Team Juke”. Reggie wasn’t much better, asking her if Luke was there every time she called and never believing her when she told him she was alone. So she did what she always did when she needed someone to tell her the harsh truth.

She called Flynn.

“Look, girl, I haven’t met him but I’ve seen him on tv hovering behind you so I get it. He’s so your type. But he’s not real. He’s a fantasy you can get invested in because you know nothing will ever come of it.”

“It could,” She grumbled into the phone.

“Are you planning on confessing that you’re madly in love with him any time soon?” Flynn countered pointedly.

“I can’t,” Julie answered quickly. “Not when it’s so obvious he doesn’t feel the same.”

“Then he’ll always be a fantasy. He’s like air.”

Julie sighed.

“Cute air.”

“You wouldn’t have called me if you weren’t tired of feeling like this,” Flynn insisted. “I’m not going to let you get your heartbroken. And right now you’re on tour with Luke. So the key is avoiding those big, beautiful, dangerous eyes.”

And as much as the idea of avoiding Luke, eyes and all, seemed ridiculous when he was literally paid to follow her around, she knew she had to give it a try.

Because Flynn was right.

If she couldn’t have him then she couldn’t let him consume her life.

She was sure she would get a great song out of the situation one day but for now she just needed to pull back a little until she could see him as just a coworker she was friendly with. She could do that. Right? Of course she could. She was Julie Molina.

Only it was easier said than done.

Because Luke did not seem to take the hint.

She came stumbling off the stage after a particularly epic encore, vision blurry from the blinding lights, every muscle weak from hours of exertion, yet feeling incredible. At least she was feeling incredible until she tripped over her own unstable feet and Luke was right there, like he always was, to catch her. His hands latched onto her forearms gently, steadying her even as he grinned directly and dangerously into her eyes.

“You ok there, Boss?”

Julie managed a nod, the pounding of her heart combined with the still echoing roar of the crowd leaving his voice sounding far away and yet annoyingly clear.

“They were loving you out there,” He told her in that specific, Luke way. “You were amazing, Jules. Insane, spectacular, rad!”

This guy and his insistence on using slang from two decades ago. She definitely didn’t find that endearing.

She had to stick to the plan.

Julie ducked her head and pushed back from his grip gently at the same time.

“Thanks.”

She glanced up just long enough to see a confused and slightly hurt look on his face before she pushed past him and headed towards the green room, Alex falling into step next to her.

“Are we going to talk about why you just kicked that helpless puppy over there?” Alex asked.

Julie punched him in the arm.

“Keep your voice down, he’s right behind us! And that helpless puppy is literally the very capable bodyguard tasked with keeping me alive, so.”

“So you admit you kicked him,” Alex responded in a completely unhelpful manner.

“Ugh, shut up,” Julie groaned, glancing back and catching Luke’s eager eyes for a split second before quickly facing forward again. “I have a plan.”

“Flynn has a plan,” Alex corrected. “A stupid plan that she never would have suggested if she had seen for herself how crazy he is about you.”

“Has he said that?” She turned her head towards her best friend sharply.

Alex tilted his head.

“Not in so many words but Julie…”

“Then we stick to the plan.” She interrupted determinedly.

Alex sighed.

“Idiots, I’m surrounded by idiots.”

A couple of weeks later, Julie was starting to think he was right.

She had been doing her best to keep her relationship with Luke strictly business and it was somehow more exhausting than the two shows a week and all the time spent trying to sleep in a tour bus cot. She pretended to be busy when he offered to work on a song. She said she was tired when he tried to get her to join him for a beer with the roadies. She pretended she didn’t see him trying to catch her eye during the thousand little moments during the day when she had grown used to making eye contact with him to laugh at something Alex had said or roll their eyes when her manager tried to talk her into something completely dumb.

It was exhausting.

And the thing was it wasn’t even working.

Because every sad, kicked puppy look (as Alex called it) he gave her only left her more distracted and in more emotional turmoil. Part of her was a little mad at him. How dare he look so hurt that she wasn’t playing their usual game when he clearly didn’t want anything more? She wasn’t just a convenient outlet for his excessive flirting energy. But mostly she was just mad at herself for thinking that this ludicrous plan could ever work.

She had thought he was trouble since the moment she met him.

And she was definitely in trouble now.

It was the night of the last show of the tour and they were back in LA to finish things off. Flynn was too sick to come (ironically she thought she had the flu) but Julie’s family were out there in the VIP section. Even Reggie had come down from San Francisco to catch the show.

Julie was feeling oddly nervous for some reason. She had grown up dreaming of playing the Orpheum. It was the smallest venue she was playing on the whole tour, her manager had tried to talk her out of it, but she had insisted it was the Orpheum or nothing. Reggie and Alex had taken her to so many shows there when she was a teenager, it’s where she had discovered rock. Somehow even after everything she knew it wouldn’t fully feel like she’d achieved her dreams until she played there. It was time. Only she had finally made it there and she felt like she was going to throw up.

She wanted desperately to seek Luke out so he could tell some dumb joke to distract her or give her one of his borderline too intense pep talks. But she wasn’t doing that anymore. In fact she had insisted he go take his break now before the show, promising not to leave her green room just to keep herself from giving in to the urge.

“You doing alright there, Jules? You look kind of green.”

Julie spun on her heels and barreled directly into her big brother’s arms.

“Oof!” He huffed as she knocked the air from his lungs, his arms still coming up to wrap around her despite his shock. “You ok?”

“I’m fine,” She told him, her voice muffled as she buried her face against his chest. “It’s just that it’s the Orpheum and you know what that means to me, and the whole family is here to see me play and I’m so nervous and I’m missing Mom and I’m totally in love with my dumb bodyguard.”

Reggie pushed her back by the shoulders until he could see her blotchy face.

He reached up to ruffle her hair affectionately.

“First of all, Flynn and I totally called it,” He said with a smirk. “And Alex swears the two of you have taken ten years off of his life with your stupidity.”

“Alex talks too much,” Julie grumbled. “And Flynn is the one who told me to stay away from his annoyingly pretty eyes to begin with.”

“That’s only because she wants you to be happy. So do I by the way. And this?” He waved his hand to indicate her current state. “I hate to break it to you, Jules, but this isn’t happy.”

Julie sighed as her shoulders sagged and all of the fight went out of her at once.

“I know,” She said defeatedly. “But what am I supposed to do? I can’t force my feelings on the guy especially when I’m his boss. That’s creepy on top of being pathetic.”

“Funny,” Alex broke in from the doorway. “That’s exactly what he just said to me.”

Julie just gaped at him for a few long seconds while Reggie and Alex exchanged amused yet exasperated looks.

“Wait...what did he say exactly?” Julie finally managed to get out.

Alex rolled his eyes.

“Oh you know, ‘What did I do? Why is Julie mad at me? I’m so in love with her do you think she figured it out? Did I come off as a creep? Do you think she’ll have my babies?’”

Julie felt her mouth drop open.

“Dude!” Reggie protested.

“Ok, so the last part was more implied than said directly,” Alex admitted.

“But he said he loves me?” Julie asked hurriedly.

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed. “I’ve been telling you he does for months by the way, but nobody listens to me.”

Julie ignored her best friend’s statement and sprinted for the door.

“Where are you going?” Reggie called after her.

“You go on in ten!” Alex added frantically.

“I’ll make it!” She shouted back without slowing down.

She ran down the hallway, dodging makeup artists and promoters and so many people she’d wanted to impress just a few minutes before. There was only one person she wanted to see at that moment.

Julie kept going until she found the exit that led to the alley outside and burst through it. Luke felt caged in if he was inside for too long, something about living in a garage for a year as a teen. He stuck by her side and did his job perfectly but any chance he got she knew he could be found breathing in the fresh air and feeling like his lungs could fully expand. Sure enough, there he was, leaning against the probably filthy wall humming some song that she knew would be amazing if he ever really gave it life.

He stood straight and took two steps towards her as soon as she emerged from the door, a look of concern immediately taking over his features.

“Julie? What are you doing out here? You’re about to go on…”

She closed the distance between them and stopped just a half step closer than she normally would, her sudden proximity shutting him up for a moment.

She just looked up at him for a few seconds, just to enjoy it after weeks of denying herself. He broke the eye contact first, chuckling awkwardly as he looked down briefly.

“What?”

“Can you do me a favor?” She asked seriously.

He answered instantly.

“Anything, Julie, you know that.”

“Tell me what you just told Alex.”

His face drained of color, almost ghost like in appearance.

“He promised he wouldn’t say anything,” He mumbled.

Julie shrugged.

“He probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t walked in on me telling my brother pretty much the same thing.”

Luke’s eyes widened comically as he took in her words.

“You told your brother that I did something to make you hate me and that I don't know what it is and it’s eating me up inside?” He asked in confusion.

“I told him I love you,” She said bluntly, all the bravery she had inherited from her mom giving her the nerve. “And that I’ve been trying to distance myself from you because I didn’t think you felt the same.”

“That’s...that’s...Jules, that’s crazy!” He exclaimed, bouncing a little to emphasize his words. “I’m head over heels, crazy in love with you. Always have been.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asked softly, managing to step even closer to him.

His eyes softened as he reached down to tuck one of her curls behind her ear.

“Because you’re my boss, and you’re totally out of my league. You’re this super talented, total force of nature. I mean you’re Julie Molina and I’m…”

“A big fan?” Julie interrupted, raising one eyebrow teasingly.

Luke froze.

“How did you…”

“I’ve been in your apartment, remember? When you had the flu I snooped a little. Sorry. The fact that you have my first album on vinyl is one thing but to have a cd of my first EP is really impressive. I didn’t know hard copies of that still existed…”

Like groaned.

“Ok, ok. You got me. I didn’t want you to think I was a pathetic fanboy, alright?”

Julie grinned.

“Isn’t that what you are?”

Luke smiled softly down at her, brushing the back of two fingers over her cheek.”

“Only for you, Boss.”

Julie instinctively stretched onto her toes, raising her face towards his, her eyes starting to flutter shut…

BANG

They sprang apart and spun to face Alex who had just emerged breathing heavily into the doorway behind them.

“You know no one is more Team Juke than I am but Julie you are going on in 2 minutes!”

“Oh crap,” Julie said. “I’m coming.”

Alex shot her a skeptical look.

Julie glared at him until he sighed and disappeared back inside.

“Team Juke?” Luke asked.

Julie giggled, already backing towards the door.

“Don’t ask. I’ve got to go but later we should talk about your future with the company.”

Luke’s eyebrows shot up.

“You’re firing me?”

Julie grinned.

“Well, I think we both might find your current duties a little too distracting. I think I need a stoic, middle aged man built like a linebacker. But we’ve been looking to hire a new songwriter to help me with the next album if you know anyone who might be interested.”

Luke grinned back.

“I might.”

He bit his lip and stared after her with those big, beautiful, dangerous eyes.

He was such trouble.

Julie ran back to him wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning up to a plant a quick kiss on his lips, pulling back before he could fully register what she was doing.

“Hold that thought,” She whispered with a smile before turning and running back through the door and towards the second dream come true of the night.

She was Julie Molina. She was about to play the Orpheum. She was in love with her bodyguard.

She was in trouble and she couldn’t be happier about it.

[adorethedistance]

Something to Lose - Luke Patterson X Covington!Reader

JATP masterlist

Requested: luke imagine idea so Luke’s old gf is dead and she’s calebs daughter and is trying to get him to stay with her instead of cross over and then he doenst show up in stand tall . I just had this idea and near had a fit trying to get it down love ur writing also 💖

Warnings: angst, a lot of crying, I don’t even think there’s swearing in this one.

Words: 2293

A/n: I hope I did the request justice. This was kinda stressful the entire time writing it just bc of all the ideas that came. Like I’d be writing and then my brain would be like ‘hey what if this happened’ and then I’m like ‘oh that’s evil. put it in the fic.’ you know?

I begin nervously playing with the tulle skirt of my above-the-knee length party dress. I wanted a mini but dad refused to let me be visible to ghosts and lifers in anything ‘revealing’, so we compromised on above the knee. It’s a pretty dress, the black long sleeves are sheer and the back is completely open, and that’s as scandalous as dad would allow. Ironic considering his dancers’ costumes are cut out fringe leotards and nude tights.

And speaking of dancers,

“Who was that?” I ask Francesca as she comes to stand next to me by the black music stands, branded with the infamous Hollywood Ghost Club logo.

“Who was who?”She takes a tiny sip of water and readjusts her massive blue and purple feather headdress. Dad always chooses the most extravagant costumes. Sometimes I wonder how they’re able to dance without falling over from being so… top heavy I guess?

“That guy you were dancing in front of in the denim coat?”

“What are you talking about? I was dancing in front of Willie.”

“Nice try, I know that was Angie. Maybe next time.” On the first day the girls set foot in the place they were such amazing dancers, dad invited them to perform front and center if they wanted to join the club. The downside was he could never tell them apart. I don’t know how though, they’re not indiscernibly identical. I made it my goal to always be able to tell them apart, and they made it their goal to get me to mix them up just once.

“We’re gonna get you one of these days.”

“Yeah, sure. But, uh, do you know who he is?”

“I don’t but maybe you will?”

“What?” Glancing up to Fran’s face she gives me a look and directs me with her eyes before smiling smugly and walking away. I follow her gaze to see my dad standing on the far side of their table, talking with the attractive stranger. His excitement makes his every movement animated and he can’t even seem to string a coherent sentence. Inviting them to sit down, dad starts saying something about Willie and magic? The conversation doesn’t last long and once he leaves, I debate whether or not to approach the handsome stranger.

“Who are we looking at?” I’m startled when I hear Angie’s voice in my right ear.

“Oh. The one at the front table in the denim overcoat.”

“You mean the one Franny was dancing in front of?”

“She already tried that.”

“Dammit!” I laugh at yet another failed attempt.

“I don’t even know why you guys bother anymore.”

“Whatever. Why are we staring at him?”

“I’m debating whether or not I should talk to him.” Angie sends me a look that says ‘have more faith in yourself’ which I gleefully ignore.

“Shoot your shot. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“My dad could interrupt and say something totally embarrassing. He wasn’t done talking to them, he just had to do rounds.”

“Girl, have you seen how many people are here tonight? He’s not gonna be done any time soon, so go while you still have some time!” Angie punctuates her sentence by gently pushing me forward, and I stumble in the direction of the cute stranger. The sudden jerky movement seems to catch his attention and his eyes soften once they meet mine. He smiles softly as a greeting and when I return the look, he takes that as an invitation to walk my way. I’m standing in the middle of the dance floor, frozen partially out of fear and partly out of curiosity.

“Hey, I’m Luke,” denim extends his hand politely and… extremely flusteredly? He sounds breathless and a touch fearful. I’m used to the energy as the club intimidates first-timers. I take his hand,

“Y/n.” Omitting my last name tends to do me a lot of good.

“Wow. That’s really pretty,”

“It’s nothing special.”

“You’re really pretty.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“So, uh-“ he trails off in search of a conversation starter, “What brings you to the Hollywood Ghost Club?”

“Oh, you know... just uhm- just a night out.”

“Do you come to the Club a lot?”

“You could say that. It’s pretty much a second home.”

“Y/n, darling. There you are!” Luke watches my face drop from its pleasant ‘chatting with guests’ expression, to a relaxed almost-frown.

“Here I am.”

“And I see you’ve met Luke.”

“Yes sir.”

“I trust my daughter is keeping you in good company?”

“Your daughter?” Luke nearly chokes on the mystical air of the Hollywood Ghost Club.

“I did not choke!”

“You choked.” Luke and I argue over the details of how we met, in the backstage/dressing room area of the Club. It feels like lifetimes ago, but it wasn’t. And yet in such a short time, we had become completely infatuated and comfortable with one another. So much so that me wearing a floor-length evening gown and jewels doesn’t make me feel out of place with his jeans and flannel shirt.

Despite my light laughter, Luke’s face is fairly flat. He’s beginning to stare off into space, inattentive from our lull in the conversation.

“Hey, you okay?” He snaps back into reality.

“Uh, yeah.”

“You don’t sound so sure.” After a long moment of hesitation, he begins to speak, not looking up from the scuff on the linoleum flooring.

“Y/n, I have something to tell you.”

“What’s up?”

“The boys and I… We… we have unfinished business…”

“Of course you do. That’s why you’re here- why all of us are here.”

“We’re gonna play the Orpheum tonight. At seven.”

“That’s so cool! Tha-” I feel my words trapped in my throat. “That’s your unfinished business... Play the show you never got to before you died.” I feel a well of tears flooding my bottom lash line. They’re not tears of sadness. “That’s your unfinished business. And you’re playing there tonight. Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you found out?!” I cry out in anguish. Luke’s face falls from a somber reluctance to break the news, to utter heartbreak.

“Y/n, I-”

“I thought we had something.”

“We do!”

“Then why would you wait to tell me until,” I check the analog clock on the wall behind him, “An hour before you go?!”

“I wanted to enjoy our last day together without having to think about it. I didn’t think it’d make you this angry.”

“Well, I am angry, Luke!” My sentence is punctuated by Luke getting zapped by a jolt of electricity. He groans as he tries to remain standing upright. The tears streaming down my face slow from a mix of anger to extreme worry.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Your dad gave us a ‘club stamp’ that first night we left.” My face falls slack as I register what he’s just said. Without another word, I furiously push out of my chair and out of the dressing room. Each stride is larger than the last as I let my legs carry me into the wings of the Club’s circular stage. When I have the familiar silver tinsel entrance in sight, I stop cold in my tracks. In front of me stands Alex, in a dazzling pink coat and diamond-covered oxfords, and Reggie, in a luxurious red vest and coat covered in black floral detailing. In front of them stands my father in his extravagant purple number that’s reminiscent of his outfits he wore when performing.

My frustrated steps carried me into his sight and the volume of my strides drew the two boys’ attention behind them. Luke. Luke stupidly followed me out here, and father merely looks at me and blinks authoritatively before redirecting his gaze onto my boyfriend.

“There you are. I knew I was missing a third musketeer.” With a snap of his fingers, dad has poofed Luke out from behind me and poofs him back in between his bandmates. When he reappears he’s wearing a deep blue suit with a black, tiered chiffon collar and bowtie.

“Isn’t it nice that you’re all here together?” Dad launches into his huge speech, seemingly convincing them to stay at the club. He mentions everything they want can be theirs here like Willie, the glory of performing, connection with an audience. As he speaks, he steps forward and reaches up. I go to yell and reach for Luke, but nothing comes out. There’s no sound coming from my mouth, and the undersurface of my black heels feel frozen solid to the ground. Dad notices my movement and shoots me a look to knock it off. Luke sees and as he moves to turn his head, dad reaches up to keep his focus forward before adjusting Luke’s collar for him. He continues with his big speech as another jolt graces all three boys at once.

“I suggest you accept my offer because the clock is ticking,” he downs one more sip of water, preparing to perform, “Ouch. You know where to find me.”

When he disappears onto the stage, I’m released from my spot and the momentum of my struggling launches me forward. Luke turns around just in time to catch me and once he does he doesn’t release me from his arms.

“Luke, I didn’t-”

“Shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay.” He holds me in his arms, one hand on my head to cradle me close to his chest and the other wrapped soothingly around my waist.

“He’s right,” I choke out my words through heavy sobs, “You don’t know that the Orpheum is really your unfinished business. What if it’s not? These jolts could kill you, Luke. For good. My dad may be powerful, but he doesn’t have the power to bring you back from this.”

When I look up, Luke has a heartbroken expression painted all over his face. Before I can speak again, Alex poofs out from beside us. Sharing a worried expression, Luke and I look out onto the stage where dad has him soloing front and center.

“I-I-I, I made a-a promise-”

“To Julie, I know. But if she’s really as wonderful, and as kind, and understanding, and loving as you describe her to be, won’t she understand?” Luke’s expression softens in realization.

“You’re actually considering staying with Caleb?” Reggie asks Luke incredulously. Before he can receive an answer, he, too, is poofed out onto the stage in Alex’s previous spot, to play a jazzy bass solo. Luke looks all around the backstage area, at the audience, between his band members, and at my dad. Finally, his eyes settle on mine. I can’t read his expression; I wish I knew what was going on inside his head.

“Stay.”

Luke and I run out of time when dad calls his name. He’s poofed us apart so I’m frozen against the downstage wall, out of sight from the audience, and Luke is struggling his way onto the stage.

Dad has him soloing for the audience, to create a musical dialogue between the two of them. Luke, conflicted, looks between me and my dad unsure of how to feel. The performer side of him must be loving the high that comes with performing in the club, but the loyal side of him, I can tell, is yearning for Julie.

When the song ends, the three boys share a single look of concern and remorse, no doubt for Julie. I can’t help but feel selfish asking him to stay. It’s not fair for me to ask him to choose between me and her... But that’s not what I’m asking. If all three of them stay here, they don’t risk dying for good. Surely Julie can understand choosing life, or the afterlife rather, over freedom is a rational trade.

Coming to his senses Luke runs off stage.

“Y/n-”

“It’s selfish of me to ask you to stay-”

“I’m staying.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to die, Y/n. If that means I have to play in your dad’s band, fine. But at least we can be together.” Luke runs the pad of his thumb across my cheek to wipe away the tear shed out of joy. Our moment is ended when Alex and Reggie have also returned backstage.

“Boys, if we stay here, we’ll get to live and make music for as long as we want.”

“You said it yourself, we made a promise. To Julie.” Reggie almost looks like he wants to cry.

“If this is what you want- to spend eternity playing jazz solos behind Caleb -I can’t stop you. But I’m not gonna let Julie down. Not again.” Alex searches Luke’s face for any hesitation. When he doesn’t find the change of heart he’s looking for, Alex nods and fidgets with his drumsticks in one hand. The sudden swell of emotion leads the two of them to hug each other tightly; I can’t imagine their pain of knowing they might never see each other again. When they let go, Luke and Reggie share in a hug and the heartache pulls Alex into their hug.

“Can you do me a favor?” Luke asks, sniffling away a few tears. Reggie and Alex nod,

“Anything.”

“Will you tell Julie she’s a star for me, one last time?” A sharp jolt hits the three of them in unison once more; a signal that it’s really time to say goodbye. With sorrowful smiles, Alex and Reggie poof out of the Hollywood Ghost Club for the last time.

When he turns around, Luke’s face is red and puffy from crying and the sight breaks my heart clean in half. I pull him into a hug and press a lingering kiss to his cheek.

“I love you, Luke.”

“I love you, Y/n.”

***

A/n: YOWZA this really made my heart hurt for Julie sm. I love her and if this were canon I’d have actually kermit.

Taglist: @caitsymichelle13 @kaitlyn2907 @itz-jas @crybabyddl @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @calamitykaty @morganayennefertyrell @n0wornever @dream-a-little-bigger-x @mrstodorooki @vicesvsvirturesfanfic @curlybrownhairedboys @amazinggracy @kaitieskidmore1 @asdfghjkl-fanfics @ghostlygreenbean @juliefromaustralia @merceret @jemimah-b99 @ifilwtmfc @thesweetestsinner @imsydneywalker @lovesanimals @thebloodthirstyvampress @bumbleberry-pie @losers-club6 @tefilovesreading @dmcfarland1@joynerxmercer @kexrtiz @talk-on-the-street @phantompogues @konciousdreamer @sunsetcurvej

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

This Sarah Everard case is so terrifying for women. But not only am I terrified - I am furious.

⚠️ tw for mentions of r*pe, sexual assault, violence against women, murder etc. ⚠️

She was just walking, including walking by busy roads and not dark alleyways. She was dressed in winter clothes. Even if she HAD walked down a dark alleyway or been wearing something short or “revealing”, she still wasn’t doing anything wrong - she was just walking somewhere.

Her murderer - a police officer named Wayne Couzens - plotted to murder a woman to live out his perverse fantasy. He didn’t plot to kill a specific woman - he knew he would murder a woman, any woman he thought he could abduct, any woman who would be out at night on her own. Sarah was just there.

Not only did he drive miles and hours to kill a woman, not only was he a police officer… he used his badge, police belt, handcuffs and credentials to fake arrest her to get her into his car. If a police officer tells you to go with them, we’re told to not resist, to be obedient or we will be in even more trouble. Even if she HAD done what the MET have just said women should do - “question non uniformed officers!” - it wouldn’t have helped her because he was a police officer. He had the credentials. Why would she run away and resist a police officer? And if women do resist, the police commit violence against them (like at the Clapham Common vigil for Sarah).

He handcuffed her, drove her for hours, then raped and murdered her. This fucking monster strangled her with his fucking police belt. He burnt her body and disposed of her in a pond.

A police officer did this - a fucking police officer, a MET officer, the MET we’re supposed to trust. And you want women to trust them?!!

And I don’t want to hear that “don’t judge the whole profession based on one bad apple”, because guess what? This is not the first time a police officer has harmed a woman. There is misogyny rooted deep in the MET that needs to be addressed. Wayne Couzens was literally nicknamed “The Rapist” by other police officers and had offended in the past by flashing people, and that’s just what we know of - and yet not a single person did anything. The police joked about it. Several officers gave character references supportive of Couzens during the hearings for his sentencing, and female officers told the press that they did not feel as if they could report concerning behaviour by male colleagues.

It’s thought that at LEAST 15 serving or former police officers have killed women in UK since 2009, and HUNDREDS of UK police officers have convictions for crimes, including assault. There are many cases that do not go reported, and so it’s likely the numbers on both counts are actually higher. Why are they still allowed to serve? Why is our government giving them more power and freedom to arrest whoever they please? “It’s not that many” - IT SHOULD NOT BE ANY.

If you can’t see why there’s a huge problem with our police force and why we say “fuck the police”, you’re part of the problem.

And the fear and anger we feel isn’t new - this has been a problem for literally all of our lives.

At 11, I learnt to come home before dark, and if it was dark in the winter on my way home (meaning: every night in winter), I was taught to not go down any dark lanes, and if I was walking the dark lane I had to go down if I got the bus home, I was to walk as fast as I could and to not have earphones in because i wouldn’t hear attackers. Every day from September 2009 to July 2014, coming home from secondary school, I was told to either wait for my dad or grandad to pick me up or to walk down the busiest road that ran near my house and had constant cars on it. I couldn’t take the shortcut down the public footpath on my way home from sixth form college because it was too dark and isolated - I had to go around it and through the village instead, which took more time but was vaguely safer. Since university, I’ve made a point of waiting for the hourly bus that stops just round the corner from my home and on the busiest road, even though I have to wait up to an hour for it usually, because getting the bus that comes every 15 minutes means walking up the dark quiet lane.

At age 13, I learnt not to talk to even very friendly men, even not in broad daylight, even with a female friend, when some old man approached us and started complimenting us, telling us we had “nice smiles” and “I can hook you up with someone who can help you get into acting” and “here’s £10, you go down to the garage down the road and get whatever you girls want”.

At 14, I learnt not to sit in trees in the park by the gate, not even during the day when it’s sunny, when an old man entered the park, took one look at me, and said “you’ve got a nice arse”. I couldn’t prove he had said anything, and I would see him on my way to school sometimes and panic.

At 19, I learnt that I could not trust friendly men online. Apologies to any decent men I have spoken to online - there’s a few who are nice and not weird, I’m not talking about them. I learnt this when a guy I was speaking to on my old blog - who had for weeks just been generally nice and checking in on me - started to send intimate and sexual messages that started with “*hugs you*” and became “*spanks your ass*”, “takes your clothes off”, “f*cks you hard”, just to name a few (and these were the milder ones). When I asked his age, he merely said “older” than me - “more than twice as old as you”, actually. I learnt to not talk to men online, and if I did then I had to set very clear boundaries in a way that wasn’t too obvious - not say it outright but make it clear I am “unavailable”.

I have to carry a rape alarm on my keys, just in case. I could go out to bars if I wanted to, I could have at university when all my peers were - but doing it meant risking the chance of being harmed while intoxicated or on my way home. I have to send my location to my mother if I get any Ubers, if I go out to theatres or cinemas in the evening I have to text my mum to say I’ve arrived safe. I only feel safe out at night if I’m with a man that I trust like my dad or grandad - I got very lucky at Uni because not only did one girl make sure I got home safely at 1 in the morning by calling me a cab, but one boy even stayed with me on another night until my dad arrived to pick me up, because he knew leaving me intoxicated at 2:30 in the morning was dangerous. I have even phoned my grandmother while walking home in the dark because being on the phone to someone means you’re less of a target to an attacker.

Men do not have this experience - or, if they do, it’s nowhere near the fear and worry women feel every day. Women can’t even walk somewhere without being worried of being attacked - we cannot go anywhere without asking ourselves “am I safe?”. Are we wearing the “correct” clothing, so as to not give off the wrong idea? Are we walking down the well lit roads where it’s busy? Are we aware of our surroundings, of every single person nearby? Do I have my keys in my hand, ready to defend myself if I’m attacked? Women are blamed if we are attacked - not men, but women. “She was dressed slutty” “she was passed out drunk” “she was walking down a dark lane” “she was out late”.

When doing safe guarding training at my current TA job, I came across this phrase: “always think it can and will happen”. Just as a teacher or TA should not think “none of my students will be victims of abuse”, women should not for one second believe that they are safe and “it will never happen to me” - every day we have to think of how to prevent our own assault or murder, just in case.

Every time I’m walking home in the dark, I have the fleeting wonder of “what picture(s) of me will they use if I’m attacked or go missing?”. I was not really surprised when I saw that other women said the same thing. Women wonder it so often it’s almost a joke, an absent minded thought. But it’s not a joke - it’s real life for us, every single day.

Sarah Everard is not a one off case. Sabina Nessa, a 28 year old primary school teacher, was murdered on 18th September this year, her body discovered the next day by a dog walker. So far in 2021, 110 women have been murdered in the UK by men (or men are the prime suspects). Only a handful get national attention because at this point, violence and murder against women have become normalised in this country.

I am not only heartbroken for all of these women and their families - I am scared for my own safety; I am scared for the safety of my mother, my grandmother, my aunts. I am scared for the safety of my 20 year old sister, the safety of my 17 and 14 year old cousins, for the safety of my older male cousin’s two daughters who are only 4 and 1. I am scared for the safety of every single girl and woman I have worked with, the safety of every woman I have ever spoken to.

But I am also furious and filled with rage. Women should not be scared to go out or have fun, we should not have to take such precautions or measures that still won’t completely prevent our assaults or murders. I am sick and tired of the victim blaming when a woman is murdered, of the indifference of “oh another woman”, of this being how women are expected to live their lives.

I’m tired of this problem being ignored by our government, tired of no one giving a shit about us or our safety.

[rocketink]

SUMMER SNOW

In which you confess to your summer crush on a hot july night that you’ve never seen the snow.

pairing: mingyu x reader

Words: 1.5+K

Genre: fluffy + friends to lovers

Warnings: none I think. English is not my first language so apologies!! I needed to cuddle and this was the result get me a boyfriend so I can stop writing about my fantasies, please

A/N: Uploading this bc I can’t stand this blog being inactive and I’m planning more things so I need to let this fic go already haha

Whenever people fought over "what is better? Summer vs. Winter edition" you always said summer. Summer to you was special because it meant much more than hot weather for 3 months, beaches, and pools. To you, it meant a getaway. Summer was when you left the polluted air from the gray town you usually live in to go to your grandmother's town, lost somewhere in South Korea but also next to the coast. It meant three months of partying with friends you only see in summer, with those cousins that live far away that visit your grandmother too, and also Mingyu.

Kim Mingyu was always there. Despite looking like he could buy the entire town and spend his holidays at a luxury hotel in New York at the same time. Mingyu is just as poor as the rest of us, mortals, but the way he carefully chooses his clothes, the way he keeps his hair swept back, and, of course, his breathtaking smile makes him look like a young millionaire. He laughs every time you tell him that. Mingyu has been your summer friend ever since you were kids. When summer finally arrives you know it's time to spend all three months with the person you cherish the most and do all sorts of things together, and of course your favorite plan:

"Shall we go stargazing?" He usually asks, two blankets under his right arm and one basket in his left hand.

"Oh, yes, please." You always say.

Stargazing is supposed to be a soft, entertaining activity to do with your friends, right? But how can you do anything soft and cute with Mingyu without risking selling your heart to the most perfect person you've ever met? You don't know the answer to that because your heart has belonged to Mingyu for a while now. It began as a small crush, something you were sure would fade when you go back to your hometown. When you were about to get rid of your feelings, summer came again, and his presence woke up the butterflies within you. At some point, you stopped pretending you had no feeling for the silly boy just because you weren't seeing him during the year.

However, last year’s third day of September made a difference between you two.

It happened while stargazing.

"Don't you think stargazing is not as fun as when we were kids?" He asked.

"It is a bit different now, I guess. Two twenty-two years old do different things. I still enjoy spending time like this with you though." You answered truthfully, and almost fainted at the last part.

Just why did you say that?

"I enjoy it too. You are the only reason why I spend summers here."

"Are you saying that you like me more than Seoul?" You joked.

"Could be, or maybe is because Seoul is beautiful in winter but unbearable in summer, so I just settle for you." You made a face and he laughed. "It's because of the snow, Seoul looks like a romance film in winter."

"It snows there?" You felt your eyes sparkling. "Woah I've never seen the snow in real life."

"Really? Well it's fun at first, but don't get so excited you get used to it after a while and it's not as amazing."

"I just want to make a snowball and throw it to your face, I'll be satisfied just with that." He pretended to be offended and tried to tickle you in revenge, but somehow he ended on top of you and his face approached yours dangerously. You thought you were going to faint.

"Then let's make a deal."

"Surprise me."

"You give me something I really want this summer and next summer I'll bring a jar with some snow on the inside, okay?"

"What type of deal is that?" You would have laughed at his face if he had stopped approaching, but your faces were just a few centimeters apart. "Mingyu, it will melt."

"We can try."

"I'm getting nothing out of this deal, I won't have snow next year."

"How many excuses should I make up just to kiss you?"

"None Mingyu, just go for it" And just like that, his lips covered yours and you melted in a soft kiss.

That was the best night you'd had for a very long time, but you barely enjoyed it because the next day Mingyu was gone and the last thing you knew about him was a message he left to your grandmother: to tell you he suddenly had to leave to Seoul because of some family issues.

22 years of knowing the boy and still you never got his phone number.

The only thing you know is that September is not September without Mingyu.

"Are you still thinking of the summer guy?" Your mother asked you in December. You simply nodded. She didn't know Mingyu but she did know what your grandmother tells her about him, and the last thing your grandmother knew about Mingyu is that deep inside he didn't want to leave so suddenly and without warning you himself. He looked regretful and heartbroken.

This time, it was harder to forget about Mingyu, but you are not sure if you tried enough. You actually thought about him more. You aren't sure if he regrets the kiss or if he wants you or even if he just did it for the thrill of the moment (even if Mingyu is not like this, he wouldn't cross that line, risking to lose a friend). You just want to talk and end your suffering. But when June came once again, you are not sure if you are ready.

You see each other again on the first night of July, later than expected. At this point, you thought that Mingyu wasn't going to spend his summer in town and you kept a sad face for an entire month. He took you by surprise, you were stargazing on your own at your usual spot on top of your grandmother's house.

"Hi y/n." You almost choke on your spit.

"Mingyu?"

"Before you say anything, I've brought you a little something, and you have to see it right now."

"Uhm, okay?" He wastes no time and opens his basket. He pulls a small jar filled to the top with something white.

He gives it to you, and the first thing you notice is that it is icy.

"Open it." He encourages you.

It feels weird, and it melts right when you touch it.

"You've brought me snow?" You can barely find your voice.

"Well, I tried. Do you know how hard it was to keep it as snow and not water or ice? My parents were so worried that his son had lost his mind. Now, make that snowball and throw it to my face." He sounds more amused than he should.

You try, but every second that passes it becomes more watery and you are not sure if you can even grab it. You throw what you manage to keep in your hand to him, and he laughs and hisses at the sudden cold contact.

"It's very nice for the summer to be honest." He laughs.

"Our deal is done now, is it?" You don't even know why you bring it back, memories from that night come to your mind and you wonder even if it was real.

"I'm sorry I left so suddenly."

"Oh no, that's fine, is everyone okay?" You ask, concerned.

"Yes, everyone is fine now. Our house wasn't, we almost got robbed that day, but everything is fine now" You sigh in relief and he smiles softly.

Kim Mingyu if you don't stop right now... You think to yourself.

"I actually was wondering something."

"Okay then, surprise me once again." You want to stop making references to that night but you just can't.

He seems to catch the reference and smiles widely. He grabs a little piece of paper from his front right pocket and gives it to you, still with his signature puppy smile on his face.

It says 'Mingyu's mobile phone, for future inconveniences’

"I realized this winter that I don't want to spend another nine months without hearing from you. It was thrilling at first but it's not anymore. Call me anytime you want, actually just call me, please." His cheeks are tinted with a light shade of red and you feel yours burning.

"And I was also wondering if you'd like to visit me for Christmas in Seoul? You can stay at my house if you want to and we could spend more time together. Summer is not enough for me." Your heartbeat accelerates and you feel yourself nodding without thinking. "Great! I have so many things I'd like to show you. I want to take a walk with you in Seoul if it snows, and we can make snowmen and you can properly throw me snowballs if you feel like it. We can skate on thin ice and get hot chocolate and eat sweets and..."

He stops suddenly and you can tell he feels embarrassed.

"I guess I just want to do all the romantic things couples do at Christmas movies... I guess I just want to properly date you."

This time you are the one to initiate the kiss and all your worries of not being on the same page with Mingyu that you've had for almost ten months dissipate as he deepens the kiss and holds you tighter.

[lookingthroughmirrors]

I’m Not A Serial Killer - Chapter 1

Alex Centric - Willex & Jukebox

His dad was never there to cheer him on, his Mum was never there to wipe away the tears. There’s always been something about him that was just never enough, he was never enough. Not for the perfect family, not for their image, not for anyone it seemed.

‘I’m sorry I can’t be perfect’

Everything had been going downhill since the second he woke up. It spiraled until he wound up barely coherent in an alley that looked like it had walked straight out of a horror movie. He doesn’t remember much except for the yelling, and the pain. HOMELESS seems to flash like a neon sign above his head, maybe luck is why Julie chose to walk home through there but he’s not about to jinx the only good that came from the day.

AO3 Link    

~~~~~~~ Chapter 1 ~~~~~~~~~~

Julie kicks a pebble and watches as it rolls along the pavement, the sun shining down harshly causing a bead of sweat to roll down her face. Normally she’d be in school but with the heat wave it was decided to have school break early so there isn’t a risk of heat stroke. Julie’s dad is stuck at a shoot and was unable to cancel when she called him to make sure he knew she wasn't skipping. Adorning sunglasses she strolls happily down the street despite the heat. Not paying attention she rams straight into somebody hitting the deck with a solid thud. “Shit, wait-er sorry?” the person she collided with rambles slightly frantic.

Looking up she met with a boy her own age grasping a helmet in one hand and an old, slightly dingy looking skateboard in the other. Dropping the helmet he extends his hand out and she takes it with an appreciative smile hoping she doesn’t look too pissed. His wrist is adorned with multiple cord bracelets complementing his darker skin tone, hair as long as her own cascading down his back as he effortlessly pulls her back up onto her feet. “Thanks um-” “Willie, I’m Willie” he introduces with a charming smile “Julie”  “Sorry for running into you” he mutters sheepishly through a mischief filled lopsided grin.

“Don’t worry about it-shit, Flynn is going to kill me” she breaks off into a grumble forgetting about the guy that just flattened her scrambling to pick up the trashed sunnies. “Oh for fucks sake” she grumbles looking at the cracked lenses, one side of the frame snapped in half, a chuckle breaks through her mutterings and she whips round with a piercing glare. “Hate to break it to you but you can’t make me melt” the asshole continues to chuckle at her misfortune “ See ya Sunglasses” he calls cheerful getting the bird flipped in his direction, his laugh echoing as he skates off down the streets.

“Chivalry isn’t dead my ass” she grumbles, turning down an empty street only a few minutes away from her house, stopping short when a groan sounds in the desolate open street. A shriek escapes her mouth as she stumbles upon a boy her age looking half dead blood and dirt caking his body. He flinches at the sound but that doesn’t stop her from slowly approaching him, his eyes flickering open his gaze following her movements nervously. “Are you okay?” he lets a low groan at her words, clutching his rib tightly and she puts her hands out infront of her as she gets closer. “Will you let me help you?” Julie holds her breath realizing it after a few seconds pass and he gives her a jerky nod. Sliding an arm under his Julie helps him up, barely stumbling along as she tries to support most of his weight. It takes 10 minutes for her to stumble and limp to her house, knees nearly buckling under the other teens weight. Julie glances at the barely conscious teen with a huff “Here’s to hoping you’re not a serial killer” she mumble managing to get them inside the studio ignoring the wave of emotions that crash over her deciding to focus on the injured guy slumped over her lounge.

Since mystery boy is decidedly not going anywhere she deems it safe to leave him for a minute to track down the first-aid kit stashed somewhere. The only sound is Julie’s quietly muttered curses and the groaning from the injured boy every few seconds. Finally digging it up, it’s pretty trashy looking, washed out paint and a thick layer of dust making up the cover. Putting the case down and checking that he’s not dead she goes to get a bowl of water and a face towel. Coming back into the room she barely manages to skid to the side, nearly sending the bowl flying , as mystery boy barrels past emptying his stomach contents into the bin.

‘Mental note, get new bin for the studio’

“What is it with people and body slamming today?” she mutters with a roll of her eyes before her expression softens once again as she turns to the boy, arms hugging the bin close to his chest as dry heaves sounding in utterly pathetic. placing a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder, he still flinches but not as bad as before. “ L-lu-” the boys mumbles his hands shaking, “ R-reg-” filing the names away for later she bites her lip staring helplessly as he gets more frantic mumbling unintelligibly. Making a split second decision she drags her fingers through his hair and the tenseness seems to melt away.

She’s not sure how long they end up sitting there in the silence, tension melting away from the boy as more time passes. As the golden hue of the afternoon light starts to shine through the window the beaten up teen starts to become coherent, eye’s not as unfocused and cloudy as before. He never quite passed out, almost vomiting every time he seemed to relax but he wasn’t really aware either.

His eyes flutter open and Julie only has a split second to register his eyes widening in panic before she stumbles backwards and the other teen darts to the other side of the studio eyes scanning the room frantically. “Hey, it’s okay” Julie says and the guys eyes dart to her still wringing his hands together nervously “I found you in an alleyway looking pretty beat up, I only brought you here to patch you up” while still radiating nervous energy he seems to calm down slightly at her words while still extremely wary, eyeing her suspiciously “How do I know you are telling the truth” without missing a beat she responds “How do I know you aren’t a serial killer?” eyeing her warily for a couple more seconds he finally lets his shoulders sag slowly walking towards her.

“Thanks” he stutters out “I mean-um for uh h-helping me and-and not leaving me in that alley” he rambles out through one breath bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. “It’s okay, I’m Julie” she tries to give him what she hopes is a comforting smile, he returns it with a faint smile “Oh uh, I’m-I’m Alex” Julie puts her hand out and he grasps it with his much larger one, shaking it gently.

“Um d-do you want me to leave?” Alex's voice squeaks at the end of his sentence, looking like he wants to do anything but leave and her mind flashes to what he looked like when she found him and she can’t find it in herself to make him leave when he obviously isn’t in a good spot. “Nah, we can chill out here if you want to, we can watch T.V?” he looks at her incredulously, obviously not believing her.

“Seriously it’s fine, as long as you don’t want to leave you don’t have to” she gives him a kind smile flopping down onto the lounge flicking the T.V on, Alex, albeit hesitantly, follows her lead sitting on the other end of the lounge. About 30 minutes pass of them mindlessly watching T.V before he speaks up, face littered in prominent bruises “You’re oddly cool with a random person at your house” he comments looking at her in slight amusement and she replies with a smirk “Well I figure if you planned to do anything to me you would’ve done it by now” he huffs out a laugh, stopping short with a grimace of pain Julie wincing in sympathy “I don’t think your ribs are broken, I tried to check but i’m not the best with this stuff so i’m not sure but i think it’s only bad bruised” Alex nods and they both turn back to the T.V talking back and forth.

“Julie!” her dad’s voice echoes Alex freezing panic, sitting up ramrod straight as Julie flounders “In the studio!” she calls back shrugging at Alex’s glare. Her Dad freeze’s when he sees that she isn’t alone, his gaze melting to concern when he sees Alex’s state, Julie immediately shooting up beelining towards her dad “Dad please don’t be mad, Alex and I are partners for a school project and I told him we could work here. When I was walking home I found him like this and helped him get here, I think he could be seriously hurt and I didn’t know what to do, please don’t send him away” Ray makes a shushing motion, placing his hands on Julie’s shoulder “Calm down mija, I’m not mad. Alex? That’s your name?” that jolts Alex making him jump up from the lounge that he’d previously been trying to sink into “Um. yes s-sir. Alex Mercer”

“Call me Ray. Why don’t you come in for dinner, you look like you could use some food, we can discuss everything afterwards, assuming you don’t have to go home?” his words end in a question and Alex ducks his head, scuffing his shoe against the floor “Yeah, uh, my parents aren’t exactly happy. They told me not to come back, they’ve never really cared, I guess” Ray looks absolutely heartbroken while Julie can’t stop herself from linking his fingers with hers.

“Come on, dinner’s getting cold. Let’s just eat first and talk everything over later” Ray nods towards the house, leaving Julie and Alex to scramble after him towards the house. Alex grips her wrist, tugging slightly to get her attention “Why’d you lie?” he asks and she looks at him with a raised eyebrow “You think he’d let some random person I just met stay in our house?” Alex rubs his neck sheepishly “Yeah, good point. If it helps I have actually seen you around at school before, I’m in year 10” Julie smiles at that, she thought she recognized something about him “I’m in year 10 too, at least we know it wasn’t a full on lie, only a white lie” Alex seems to relax at the idea of outright lying to someone opening their home to him “Thanks, I mean uh, again, yeah uh, thanks again” he stumbles on his words Julie laughs as they continue into her house.

Dinner passes incident free with everyone getting to know Alex, Carlos barely took a second to breath while asking Alex question after question. Carlos heads off to play some ghost hunter video game that he hasn’t stopped talking about while Ray moves the conversation to the lounge. “Okay” he claps his hands together in front of him sitting on the coffee table as Alex and Julie take a spot on the lounge, Julie hugging one of the throw pillows to her chest. “Now mijo, I’m not going to send you away but the spare bedroom isn’t set up so I was thinking you could use the pull out couch in the studio until we work out everything. You are going to need to talk to your parents, I don’t know you well enough to say anything about it but you will need to talk to them, I won’t push as it’s not my place but you get it. Both of you have school tomorrow so don’t stay up too long, Julie you can only help set everything up out there before coming inside, both in rooms by 11, no later. Now I’ll leave you to watch a movie or something. I promise we will work everything out” with that Ray shakes Alex’s hand and placing a kiss on Julie’s head before going to his office to finish up some photo edits from a recent shoot.

“That went better than I thought” Julie mumbles and is immediately swooped up into a massive bear hug blonde hair flying in her face. “Thank you, thank you, thank you” he mumbles repeatedly into her hair, she doesn’t say anything letting him hug her tightly. “Sorry, ‘bout that” he mumbles pulling back sheepishly “I get it, today’s been all over the place” Julie reassures, she knows his emotional outbursts are just from whatever happened to him that’s ended with him having to sleep in the garage of a girl he’s never met before, not exactly what you would call normal.

An embarrassed blush taints his cheeks, though Julie just gives him a smile and flicks on ‘ Ghostbusters’. Slowly they build up a conversation and in the end the movie is forgotten as the two are immersed in a debate of whose better ‘ lady Gaga’ or ‘Ariana Grande’, Ray could barely make out what they were saying with how fast they’re talking. He watches from the kitchen, he stuck his head out to check and his brain nearly short circuited when he heard the music discussion. Since his wife’s passing 2 years ago Julie never touched the piano and would never even mention anything to do with music, she would just shut down. Now there she was sitting and talking about music, a bright smile on her face with the bruised and beaten looking blonde teen.

Speaking of the blonde haired teen, Alex seemed more carefree too like he’s in his element talking about music. It’s the first time he’s seen Julie look so genuinely happy in so long then surely the kid can’t be too bad. Despite his beat up, border lining on homeless appearance he can’t imagine the kid was out getting into fights or a laundry list of other things he could be doing. It’s nice to see that light return to Julie’s eyes, sparked with happiness.

[jeonchan26]

Give Me A Reason...To Stay (Part 1)

Theme; Angst (Namjoon & Reader)

Summary; With all the hurt comes happiness, at least that’s what you thought.

Request; Yes

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    You couldn’t believe it, you thought your mind was playing tricks on you. But why would it play such a cruel one? 

    You wanted to visit Namjoon at work it’s almost been three weeks since you last saw him but you knew that with their new comeback coming up he was extra busy at work. He would get home when you were asleep and leave before you woke up. You didn’t blame him though you knew that dating an idol was going to be hard but for Namjoon it was all worth it. 

    You figured that with everything going on Namjoon and the boys would be stress. You decided that they might need a little distraction. You packed all of their favorite foods into individuals baskets and headed towards BigHit. Once you got their you saw Jungkook first walking towards the elevator. 

    “Jungkook!” You yelled his name making him stop and hold the elevator for you to get it. “Hey Noona! What are you doing here?” He said with a big smile. He notices the baskets. 

“Do you need help Noona?” He said taking a few of the baskets of your hands. 

   “Oh thank you! They were heavy! But anyways I brought you guys some food. That basket is yours” You said pointed to the purple one. “Oh geesh noona thanks! You didn’t have too!” 

    Jungkook helped you delivered all the basket to the boys, they were all grateful that you took time out of your day to make them the baskets/ They loved that you decorated the baskets the color of their mics. You left the boys to find Namjoon who you figured was in his studio. He always seems to hide in there to create music. 

    You knocked on the door and heard a soft come in, “Hey baby I got you something” you closed the door behind you. 

     “Baby what are you doing here? You didn’t have to come all the way here” He smiled taking the basket from your hands. “Oh wow baby all my favorite foods!” He started unpacking the food and place on the table before putting the basket on the floor. “Come let’s eat!” He said sitting you on his lap you giggled and started feeding him.

“How is the album coming up?” 

    “Oh you know it’s getting their our deadline is in July and we are just about done with the last few songs” He said taking a bite of the food. 

    You were about to ask him something but were interrupted when a beautiful looking girl came into the room, you found out odd because usually people would knock before coming in.

     “Namjoon Ba-” She stopped talking when she say you and Namjoon. Namjoon quickly pushed you off him making his way towards the girl. You just stared at them confused.  

    “Irene baby what are you doing here?” You noticed Namjoon behavior towards her. ‘Baby?’ you thought he was reaching for her hand. 

    “What the fuck is this Namjoon! Who the fuck is she!?” She yelled pointing at you.

     “Excuse me who are you! Im Namjoon girlfriend!” You glared crossing your arms. You were trying not to break or show any weakness. 

     “Oh please! Im his fucking FIANCE!” You started at her in shocked you looked at Namjoon who was looking anywhere but you. His attention was either on her or on the floor never on you. You noticed the boys coming into the room due to all the screaming. 

    “That’s not possible! He is my boyfriend!” You stuttered trying to process what was happening. You looked at the boys and noticed them giving you pity looks. It was true, everything she said was true.

    “Namjoon, is she saying the truth” You whispered trying to make Namjoon look at you but he would just look away. 

    “Of course it is sweetie. You’re nothing but a homewrecker! Do you really believe Namjoon would date a girl like you! Why do you think you haven’t gone public.” She smirked. 

    “Irene wait for me in the studio okay! I’ll be there soon” Namjoon finally spoke after a while. You said Irene walked towards him giving him a kiss before walking out. The boys left giving you guys some privacy.

    You couldn’t hold the tears anymore they slowly started falling. “N-Namjoon w-what is going on?” You said walking towards him. 

    Namjoon sighed before looking at you, “I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t want you to find out this way. Irene is my fiance for a while now. She was gone due to her career and recently came back. I was only using you because I was lonely, you were there and I decided to take advantage of that. I-Im sorry I’ve never loved you” He said looking at you with pitiful eyes. “I never thought it would get this far” 

    You stood there angry, sad but mostly heartbroken, “So this part 9 months were nothing but a lie?” 

“Yes” 

   You felt like someone stabbed your heart pulling it out before stomping on it. You looked down at the ground trying to stop yourself from crying. “I guess that would explain why we were never public and you seemed happy about the fact that I didn’t follow you guys on social media. Guess I was stupid enough to believe that someone like you would fall for someone like me” you let out a sad chuckle. 

    “It was never my intention to hurt you the way I did..” Namjoon whispered. “But you did from the very beginning I was nothing but a distraction from her...Ima gonna leave you should send someone to pick up your stuff from the apartment. I never want to see you again, I was so stupid to have fallen in love with you.”

    You got up and started walking towards the door hoping he would stop you and tell you he loves you and that it was a mistake but once you closed his door you saw the boys waiting for you down the hall. They looked up when they heard the door close. 

    “You guys knew right? That I didn’t mean anything to him. That he was just using me?” You looked at each one of them and noticed their sad eyes turning away from you once you made contact with them.

    “(Y/N) We are sorry it was never our intention” Taehyung said. “No I get it he is your brother. Why would you guys care about my feelings right? Well it was good getting to know you guys. Mind if you guys pick up his stuff from the house.” You saw them nodding and you started walking towards the elevator.

    You don’t even know how you made it home but walking through the front door you felt the loneliness breaking down praying that this was just a dream. 

[what-if-rpg]

Welcome to the family, VIVI! Your application to BREEZE BERRY-ROSE was accepted. We’re really happy to have you around! Make sure to read the beginners checklist, and remember, have fun! We can’t wait to roleplay with you! Have fun!

IN CHARACTER CHARACTER

NAME: Breeze Berry-Rose CHARACTER AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: Age 37 and DOB July 2 OCCUPATION: Police Lieutenant for NYPD FACE CLAIM: Sophia Bush. HOMETOWN & CITY WHERE LIVES NOW: From Lima, OH is now living in New York, NYC SEXUAL ORIENTATION & GENDER: Homosexual & Female RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Married POSITIVE TRAITS: loyal, protective and intuitive NEGATIVE TRAITS: self-blame, moody, and vindictive CHARACTER QUOTE/LYRIC: Please include a quote or lyric that you feel describes your character.

HEADCANONS

Growing up, Breeze was always doing her own thing, staying out, causing trouble with her friends and so on. She loved her family and while they were close, they also couldn’t give each kids the needed attention they needed. Their father was always working to make ends meet and their mom would try her best, but it was hard. The only time was the rare moments when their dad was off work, and they would all sit in the family room playing games. Which, of course, Leroy would always suggest something that would make him be the center of attention, not that Breeze minded. So when Gabe was born she cleaned up her act and devoted her life to make sure he never felt alone but of course that was easier said than done.

Breeze always knew she was attracted to women, how couldn’t she? Her first crush was in the 2nd grade when a classmate sat next to her and gave her a warm smile she was hooked. She dated women and was even in a serious relationship with one during high school but after graduation she was heartbroken when she found her girlfriend of 2 years with another girl. Heartbroken, Breeze left with her best friend, Adam, to drink her sorrows. Feeling heartbroken and lonely she slept with her best friend, which later resulted in her being pregnant. Adam didn’t feel like he was ready to be a dad and while Breeze felt the same, she wasn’t going to abandon her baby like that even if she was only 18. The two drifted apart and haven’t spoken since.

After Gabe was born, she devoted her life to him, she got a job as a waitress so she could be with her son. That only worked for a year or so until someone broke in her home. Breeze moved back in with her parents since she felt as if it was her fault and decided to become a cop in order to keep them safe in a way. She worked hard to give Gabriel everything he could ever wish for but at times spent more time in the precinct than at home. When Gabe was 5 she moved to her own home but still visit her parent for help. She was grateful for her family who helped her take care of him but every night she feels guilty for not being there as much as she wishes. She always did make it a habit to be spend time with him on her days off and find fun activities they can do together.

Breeze wasn’t looking for love, she had her son, her family and her career. Sure Breeze went on a few dates in the beginning but it never went passed the first date. She always thought of Gabe and how hurt it would be if it didn’t work out and how they could possibly reject him so she just didn’t try. It wasn’t until one day when a beautiful woman brought in goodies to the precinct that she felt she needed to talk to her and get to know her. While Breeze usually doesn’t have an issue with flirting, she found herself a blushing mess whenever it came to Iris. Even now that they have been together for 10 years or so her love only grows for the brown eyed woman. She wants to expand their family but with how busy she’s been with her new job in NYPD she isn’t sure if she should bring it up and she feels like she’s been a bad wife for always working.

CONNECTIONS

MRS. & MR. BERRY (Parents): Breeze loves her parents but hates to admit that she only got closer to them when she got pregnant. She didn’t know how to raise a baby, nor did she care for them. Her mom has been her rock, showing her the rope on parenting, taking her calls about any silly question she had when Gabe was a baby and for helping her out when she felt like she couldn’t do something and reminded her that she had to do it for her son. Even if they didn’t approve of her dangerous job, they still supported her and helped out as much as they could with Gabe.  LEROY, LEON & MONICA BERRY (Siblings): Breeze loves her crazy siblings and has been trying to keep in touch with them as much as possible, but life always happens. They still talk here and there, and she is always there for them whenever they need her. She doesn’t really feel close with either one of them or loves them all equally, but Leroy was the one to help her more when it came to her sexually while growing up and gave her wonderful parenting tips. GABRIEL BERRY (Son): While Breeze never really saw herself having kids, she wouldn’t change her past. Gabe has changed in her life in the best way possible, she loves her son with her life and even if she is always working, she is there for him in everything he needs. Breeze has the habit of trying to be the cool mom; learning all the new slang or dances and even tried to bond with her son on his interest. She tried to not do them in front of his friends to embarrass home but at home all bets are off. Breeze is a huge soccer and basketball fanatic, so she loves taking him to games. Now with them being in different cities she makes sure to face time him as much as possible. IRIS ROSE-BERRY (Wife): The day Iris came into Breeze’s life is one she will never forget, she tried hard to get to know the other woman, even going to her shop just to see if she can talk to her. They’ve had their ups and downs but at the end of the day they talk it over and work it out. They know one another better than they know themselves, Iris makes Breeze want to be a better wife and a better mom. Breeze gets so focused in her job to protect her family that she forgets to spend time with them or take better care of herself, but Iris has always kept her grounded by reminding her to spend time with them and to not be so work focused. Breeze always feels like the luckiest woman on earth because she has her family in her life. RACHEL BERRY (Niece): Breeze is a huge fan of her niece. How can she not be? She has worked so hard to be the star that she is now. She tries to keep in contact with her as much as possible but due to their busy schedules its always hard. Breeze will always be there for her is she needs her and is trying to make more time not only for Rachel but for Moriah, Marley, Ryder and Quinn since she considers them all their nieces and nephews.

[sherala007]

Creative non-fiction done for school

The Crucible of Youth

I felt the pile of carpet beneath my tummy, poking like pinpricks through my shirt as I lay across the living room floor, reading my book.  Mom sat nearby in her chair next to the window, the dull grey of the winter/spring changeover still in the sky.  She was working on her crocheting while watching the news on TV. I usually ignored the news.  It was always bad.  Tonight’s news was no different.  Tonight I couldn’t ignore it.  The words gang rape grabbed my attention quick making me forget my book. Mom even set down her work.

           It was March of 1983 and the reporter spoke about a woman who was raped by four men in Big Dan’s Tavern in New Bedford, MA, all for going in to buy a pack of cigarettes (Chapie). I watched the story, at first not fully understanding what was going on.  Then it started to click what rape meant.  I was heartbroken.  How could someone do that to another person? I didn't understand to the fullest extent what rape was yet but from the look on mom's face, I knew it was serious. I remember mom saying "She had to have done something to deserve it.  Nothing like that happens without a cause."

I looked up at mom as she dismissed the woman's pain and went back to her crocheting. The lack of concern or care on mom's face frightened me.  She'd always been so compassionate to those in need, kind and caring, but not demonstrative in showing physical affection.  This lack of concern wasn't like her at all.  It looked as if she was dismissing the rape as the woman's fault, absolving herself of the need to think on it anymore.  Her words chilled me and would come echoing back in my mind soon.

           July 4th! What a time to be a kid.  It was summer.  It was hot out.  It was time for swimming in the pool and running carefree.  We were at my sister Patty’s for a picnic.  There weren't a lot of kids, just me; my niece Sandy, who was the youngest; Kurt who was eleven, and his fifteen-year-old brother Dale. I'd just turned twelve a few months before and was already developing into a young woman.  Kurt had noticed.  All-day long he was my shadow.  He was big for his age, already almost a foot taller than me and I was only about four foot six.  His father owned his own construction company and Kurt and Dale worked with him on the weekends so both boys were very strong.

We'd been swimming most of the day, only getting out to eat.  We waited the required 30 minutes, then back into the pool. We'd exhausted all the games we could think of to play in the water.  We tested our breath holding limits; scrounged for items on the bottom as they were thrown in; and did as many laps as we could.  It was a round pool so laps were short and annoying.  I was pruney and bored.  I remembered I had a great book with me that I’d gotten into only yesterday and sitting out for a while sounded nice and relaxing.  I ducked underwater to swim to the ladder and felt something poke me in the bum.  Popping up quickly I saw Kurt pop up right next to me.

           “You two, knock that crap off!”  I heard my sister Patty yell from the top deck of the house.  She turned and carried another tray of food down to the picnic table at the bottom.  

           I got out of the pool, wrapped up in my towel, and headed to the table.  “I didn’t do anything, Patty.  I was only swimming.”

"You let a boy touch your butt.  Good girls don't do that."  She looked me in the eye, anger, and disgust on her face then turned and stormed off to join the other adults.  

           I’d felt like I was punched in the stomach.  I sat down on the bench, picked up a hotdog and started to nibble.  I was about to take another bite when Kurt walked up to me, grabbed it and scarfed it down.

           “Don’t worry about her. Let’s go for a walk.”  He threw his towel down on the bench and slid his flip flops on waiting for me.  Dale and Sandy liked the idea of a walk and wanted to join us.  Dale went over, asked permission, and was given instructions to take care of us girls and off we went.  We were only permitted to go up the road to the trail we used to ride our horses on.  We were still in our swimsuits, Sandy and me with towels wrapped around us, the boys in their shorts.

The trail wasn't a trail per se but a dirt road, rocky, twisty, and bumpy, but it was a change for us.  Being on the plump side, I wasn't as fast as the others.  I fell behind as we went up a hill and around a bend in the road, thick trees lining either side, houses scattered farther and farther apart. Kurt stayed with me and spotted an abandoned barn off the side of the road in someone’s back yard.  We stopped and looked to see if anyone was around. Sandy and Dale were out of sight as Kurt grabbed my hand, pulling me up the sloping gravel driveway, the small white rocks making for rough going, and around the corner of the barn to the door on the other side.

It was cooler inside.  I could smell the dampness of the mold and mildew all around me, mixed with the smell of roses and wildflowers from outside.  Some of the shabby barn boards looked worm-eaten, barely hanging on by the few remaining nails holding them in place.  There was dirt and dust everywhere, blown in through the cracks and crevices, or washed in through the large opening in the corner of the roof where part of it had fallen in.  In the far right corner, I could see a large spider web, its maker fat and creepy, perched on one of the outer edges.  I could see rusted out tools tossed about like unwanted toys, no longer needed or desired, littering the floor along one wall.

           I heard Kurt walking near the middle of the floor, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet, as I entered watching for any critter that may try and come near me. Looking around at everything I'd lost track of where Kurt was for a moment.  He'd gotten quiet.  One second I was standing a few paces inside the doorway looking at how creepy everything was, the next I was on my back in the dirt on the floor, Kurt's left hand around my neck.

"Don't move," he said.  His hand was so large it wrapped halfway around my neck.  The look in his eyes was cold, freezing me in place as he held me down with that one hand, not tight enough to bruise, but enough so I couldn't risk moving.  I couldn't think, couldn't figure a way out of his grip.  Why was he doing this?  What did he want from me?  He used his right hand to free himself from his shorts and then to slide the panty half of my suit aside, digging himself inside me hard like a blunt shovel.  All I felt was pain, burning, and tearing.  I was trembling.  I wanted to scream but couldn't with his hand still on my throat.  His pig-like grunting and the slap of skin on skin echoed in my head.  I thought it was loud enough others would hear and come to help me.  No one came.

I was numb. I don't remember him finishing.  I don't remember how I got home.  I remember going right into the shower, cleaning up, and throwing my towel and bathing suit into the washer.  I don't even remember how I got the bleeding to stop. I just know it did.  Hours later I still couldn't remember any of the details of how I got home.  Any time I tried I would get sick to my stomach.  I do remember the thoughts that echoed in my head for the next twenty-five years.  Dirty.  Bad girl. I deserved it.  I’m worthless.  Those thoughts stay with me today, though they're not as loud as they used to be. They were the only thoughts I could hear for a long time, and they always echo in my mom’s voice.  This was just the first time I was raped.  It happened again four years later when I was sixteen and at another 4th of July gathering with my then-boyfriend. That time I was raped on top of a pile of refuse and debris in an old, dilapidated camper.

           What did I do to cause this to happen to me?  Why me?  Why did I deserve this?  It took a long time in therapy to discover a few things.  I didn’t do a DAMN THING to deserve this or cause it to happen to me. Why me?  I’m small.  I’m female. I’m seen as prey.  Men that rape are in search of a power rush.  They’re not in it for the sexual gratification.  They’re in it to hurt, humiliate, and degrade.  It's not about sex only power.  I just reach five foot two now.  Back then I was shorter and thinner than I am now.  Because of all this trauma, I gained a great deal of weight.

Imagine what this trauma does to a teen?  Adults usually think teens are dramatic.  I remember all the times my mom would tell me to stop being so dramatic when I was jumpy or had to have my back to a wall.  Most adults don't listen to teens or notice the signs of PTSD.  Teens are still developing their identities and personalities. Rape puts a deep and heavy scar on their psyche that they have to grow into and carry for the rest of their life. Teens may be young and still growing emotionally but they have the same feelings adults do and respond in similar ways. All the same side effects we suffer from rape, teens do, also.

Sixty-six percent of all victims of rape under the age of eighteen are between the ages of twelve and seventeen (Rainn).  Well, that statistic fits me both times.  I never used to be a jumpy person.  After the rape, I would jump at the drop of a hat.  I also dealt with bouts of depression.  There are days even now where I struggle to get out of bed to live a normal life doing normal things.  Those days are fewer and farther between.  The biggest issue I deal with now is when I’m working on a task and someone strolls up to me to ask a question and startles me.  They’re not even trying to be stealthy but I’m instantly in a fight or flight panic.  My heart races like I’ve run a marathon.  I hold my breath for a few seconds then I pant like I’m being choked again.  Now and again I’ll even start to tremble.  I can hide that sometimes but my close friends know when it’s happening.  I discovered that this is all part of PTSD (Rainn).

I discovered something terrifying while dealing with treatment as well as doing research; per the Center for Family Justice (CFJ) one in four women and one in six men are sexually abused (CFJ).  In eight out of ten cases the victim knows the attacker (CFJ).  There are three main after-effects of rape; depression, flashbacks, and PTSD (Rainn).  I've had to live most of my life with two out of the three' until now.  In rewriting this paper the third has started, but only a few times.  The smell of roses and mold triggered flashbacks as I was rewriting the barn scene. That lasted for about three weeks and has now stopped.  The saddest thing for me is it's been thirty-three years and these effects still happen.

           Did I ever tell my mother?  No.  The woman who raised me was actually my grandmother.  She adopted me from her oldest daughter when I was ten but had raised me since I was four months old.  She was born in 1933.  Things were so much different for her growing up so she still had the antiquated mindset for her generation.  By the time I was able to talk about it nothing could be done anyway so why stir things up?  I know it would have made her feel horrible and wouldn’t have solved anything.  

I will tell you, surviving rape has made me a very strong woman.  I didn't realize this until about five years ago:  I've lived through the worst that man can do to woman, short of murder.  I've not only survived but in the last few years, I've thrived.  I'm able to live on my own.  I make new friends all the time.  I can hold down a good job.  Do I still have some issues now and then?  Yes, but they’re infrequent now.  I’m too strong to let it keep me down anymore.  I’ve realized that, yes I have suffered horrible violence, but unlike others, I don’t have to let it define who I am.  I refuse to let it do so.  I choose to act and be seen as a woman who can stand on her own and who doesn’t need to hide behind anyone else.  I do understand when I’m out on my own I have to pay attention to my surroundings and be vigilant but I don’t have to be afraid of every shadow.  Yes, I used to hide behind the victim label I let others put on me, but not anymore.  I am alive and I will continue to embrace every day because I am worth it, not because someone else says so but simply because I’m here; alive, walking, talking, and breathing.

While I was working on one of the drafts of this article, a friend at work offered to read it and help me edit it.  I gave it to her on a Friday.  Monday morning she came up to me crying.  She couldn't read it.  She told me about how she was raped twenty years ago and still can't talk about it with anyone; not even her husband.  She can't have a deep, healthy relationship with him because of it.  She asked me how I can be so relaxed and open after all that. What was my secret?  Truth is, I don't have a secret.  I freely admit what happened to me when anyone asks why I get startled as I do.  I know now that I didn't do anything to ask for what happened to me.  It was not my fault.  It took a while for that to sink in but now that it has it's one of my mantras when those horrid thoughts get loud on me again; because they do sometimes. I remind myself that I am alive. I have hope.  I get up for work every morning.  I answer calls from customers needing help every day.  Some of them are not so nice about asking for it either. I work for a security company and every so often I get that call from that woman who went through that same experience.  I stop and listen.  I do what only a fellow survivor can do.  I give her hope too.

 Works Cited:

No Author, Sexual Assault Stats, Center for Family Justice.org, web, 6-27-16

Capie, Lindsay.  Big Dan’s Tavern Gang-Rape, New Bedford 1983, LindsayChapie.wordpress.com, web, 7-9-16

No Author, No Article, Statistics, Rainn.org, web, 6-27-16

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 19

It’s 6am and Brandon woke me up when he got up to go to work so now... i answer asks bc i cant sleep. 

@mileyzangel said: Can you please make a Harley Quinn hairstyle from both Suicide Squad and Birds of Prey?

I went and watched Birds of Prey the other night and it was really good. Brandon went to sleep I think tfgvhb. But I doubt I’ll try doing her hair from either of the films. @enriques4 is working on one for her Birds of Prey look if you are interested in that <3

Anonymous said: is tiny living worth it? im leaning towards the gameplay although i love cas. is the gameplay as bad as people say?

I honestly don’t think the new beds do anything. They’re... there. Lmao I think the CAS and buy items are very nice. If we get some cc murphy beds then that would make them a lot more usable tbh.  

Anonymous said: how do you and ayoshi keep making some fantastic collabs?? y'all are literally the first people i go to when I make a fresh install and I can't wait to see what you do next

Anonymous said: AxA CC KINGS!!!

Anonymous said: you guys didnt have to snap like that on AxA

Anonymous said: I LOVE EVERY SINGLE PACK U AND AYOSHI DO PLEASE KEEP MAKING MORE

Anonymous said: another iconic ah00b x ayoshi collab YAS LESSGOOOO

We put a bunch of cc ideas (hair and clothes) in a discord server we have together and then work on the stuff together on call usually so each item is the way we both want me. Like for example i’ll be meshing the Ivy top while he works on texturing the ribbed version.  We also only do collabs when they happen, we didn’t plan AxA 2019 or this new set, mainly just made cc starting in May and wrapped it up in July to release in August. Then this time we started making stuff late December and got most of it done by the time I got done with my break. Having a planned collab/deadline makes stuff less stressful and the stuff usually turns out better imo

Anonymous said: hi! ur sims are so prettyyyy what skin texture and eyes do u use?

Anonymous said: hi! wcif the eyes of the sim in the edit that Dogsill edited for you please? thank you!

Anonymous said: Hi! I really love the way your sims looks so, I was what skin and eyes you use?

I actually am changing my default eyes so I need to update my resource page soon ;n; but the skins they use are all listed for each sim on the resource page here

Anonymous said: you always name axa packs by the year but this one was named after a season those that mean.... 👀

We are wanting to do something in the fall, just not sure how our lives will be then ya know? There’s a chance that this will be the AxA 2020. Since we weren’t sure I didn’t want to label it that if 2 AxA’s release this year lmao

Anonymous said: what game is the pokemon thing you're playing!? pls help a guy out i'm in love with the art style

Pokemon Sword and Shield (I have shield) for Nintendo Switch. I’ll prob post more pics once I get some new shinies :P

@kristabunny said: lol is it bad that when I saw your Santana hair I read it as Satan Hair XD

tbhhhhh it was lowkey referencing that lmao. I made the hair in October for a speed meshing video and since it was around Halloween I was like “lemme give her an almost demonic name” also Santana from glee is a queen

Anonymous said: Tbh I absolutely adore your female cc but I LIVE for your male cc!!!

Thank you! lmao the only thing I can take full credit for is the AxA male hairs. I mesh the clothes for packs but ayoshi does the texturing for them.  

Anonymous said: Could you have a go at the updo Dua Lipa has on the cover of her Future Nostalgia? The high bun with a flick in it and the strands of hair down the sides. Thanks if so :)

I’m not the biggest fan of the hairstyle tbh ;n; but we will see. (Physical is a serve, just saying)

Anonymous said: So ive never played pokemon before until my friend gave me a copy of pokemon moon. I love cats so of course my starter was a litten, but i had no clue about evolutions or anything like that. I was heartbroken when my cute litten turned into some big man cat :(

omg noooo ;n; yeah Litten is a cutie... incineroar is... well I got used to him tbh and kind of like him now? I absolutely hate scorbunny’s evolution (and most of the SWSH starters final evolution) so I think that made incineroar slightly better in my eyes. My shiny litten will be staying a kitten however :)

@multifandom-slytherin said: Hello! I love your cc! Would it be possible for you to make the bangs from your Bree Hair a separate accessory that you can put with other hairs (for example the BG low ponytail)? Thank you so much!

Anonymous said: have u considered making or allowing someone to make an acc version of your handmade bangs?

I have thought of doing accessory bangs tbh, I just like... don’t like using accessory bangs myself. So I’m not sure if I’ll end up doing it. I might try it for myself and see how many hairs they work with, and if it is a decent amount I’ll release. 

Anonymous said: First off I want to say how amazing all of your hairs and collabs are! Second I was curious if you ever thought of going back to your old hairs and updating their thumbnails / display indexes so they matched your stuff now?

I really really wanted to have all my 2019 hairs updated by 2020. It was only January 2019-April 2019 that needed updated (thumbnails and display indexes). But I just lost motivation for doing it. I will focus on it next time I have a big break from school. Also planning on updating select stuff from 2018 and 2017. 

Anonymous said: please put Sophia Barker in the gallery. PLEASEEEEE it's the most beautiful sim I EVER seen! >:3 PLEASEEE!!!!!!!!!!

She should be on there? I think? Make sure you have CC enabled and if you can’t find me through the gallery her tray files are here

Anonymous said: Hi! After the recent patch I started having a small issue with Bree hair(without bangs), when I zoom out it looks like a completely different hair, something similar to that one basegame hair that's layered with tips pointed outward but longer. Thought I'd let you know, maybe others have had a similar issue or maybe I need to change a setting or something. Love your work so much!

Really surprised this is the first time someone told me about this lmao. The hair should be updated now on SFS/Patreon <3

Anonymous said: I tried to look around for this on your "Asks" portion before bothering you (so sorry), but do you have a link perhaps for all the lips you use on your models? Are they in game or a cc you create? Thanks so much! Love all of your work! I'm super new to cc stuff and I found yours like 2 days ago and have been going nuts with downloads lol 

like presets? None of my cc models use a lip preset. I do use this slider on some of them though. For lipsticks, that is listed for each model on my resource page <3

Anonymous said: i’ve been looking for a hair like lexi that i actually like forever and now i find it but it’s for paterson peeps and i’m like actually broke and i’m like :/

im sorry ;n; at least it wasn’t too long of a wait? :/ I hope you liked the hair

Anonymous said: I can't find your jisoo ponytails in your downloads?

they’re in my retired section... may they rest in peace. scroll to the bottom of my downloads and youll see ‘RETIRED.’ click that for the retired download page. 

@eclypt-0-sims said: Hi, I recently started making MM hair and I know you're probably an expert at this but; every time I go into CAS to test a hair, all of my accessories clip with the hair. Like the hair texture would cover some glasses if my sim was wearing glasses. I don't know how to fix it, someone told me to delete an eye weight in blender but I don't really understand weight painting that much, any suggestions? love your content btw

this is a late as hell reply i’m sorry. I think that you have texture where the glasses texture would be. Hair texture should only be in hair section or hat section (if you don’t want it hat compatible). Here is a UV map layout that I use for making hair textures. It shouldnt have anything to do with weights

Anonymous said: Do you use reshade when you take previews for your cc? and also is the tropical punch ombre overlay a palette or did you make it?

I do use reshade when I take cc previews. It adds a bit of saturation to my sims and gives them some shadows under their chin/clothes. Nothing major. Also, myself and @imvikai came up with the tropical punch palette together.

@little-eris​ said: You probably have answered this before but who drew your tumblr icon? I’ve seen the same art style with other simmers 👉🏼👈🏼 it’s super cute!

thank you! here is their twitter 

Anonymous said: The male sim in your Tiny Living review looks soo familiar; was there inspiration from anyone IRL? The person he reminds me of isn't even famous so I don't even know! He is very pretty though *-*

He was a gallery sim that I just revamped a bit so I’m honestly not super sure lmao. But he is very attractive yes I agree

that concludes this ask ceremony please collect your things and move to the exit to your left. fvghbjn if you sent something I didn’t answer and it was off anon I’ll get to you soon (person who asked what beards I used for AxA... I see you)

[buckysbest]

CHAPTER ONE: GROWING PAINS PAIRING: best friend!peter parker x reader WARNINGS: swearing, heartbreak, slow burn SERIES SUMMARY: Peter Parker is about to embark in the next chapter in his life with his best friends by his side. A secret relationship, a heartbroken girl, and the pains of growing might be strong enough to pry these friends apart. WORD COUNT: 1.5k A/N: this series is based off the album “the pains of growing” by Alessia Cara! if you want to follow along, you can listen to growing pains (track one on the album)! I hope you like the new story!

series masterlist // masterlist

July

“Jesus Peter!” MJ yelled across the pool, holding her book upside down in an attempt to rid it of the water that joined its pages after your best friend jumped into Liz’s pool. 

“Oh come on MJ! It’s our freaking grad party! Get your head out of that book, I promise it will be there tomorrow!” you giggled, causing a small crack to form in her hardened exterior. From the small smile that snuck onto her face spilled a mumble of agreement as she took off her coverup and joined the group in the pool. Ned and Peter continued their game of Marco polo but now with a third player while Liz sat to your left absolutely glowing in the sun as you both bathed in the warmness that soaked into your skin. Flipping over to your stomach, the cool grain of the sun chair melted away like the stress off your shoulders in the rays that hit your back. A content smile adorned your face as your favorite accessory on most days but today it was a little bigger. The soundtrack to your life was the laughter of your 4 best friends and Aunt may tossing burgers on the grill and you wanted to loop the song for eternity.  This bubbling gratitude showed itself in the form of a wider smile you flaunted throughout the day. 

“Kids! Burgers are done! Come up on the deck yeah?” Aunt May's voice seemed to prompt the apocalypse as MJ, Liz, and Ned sprinted past each other, trying to be the first to the food. A smooth chuckle behind your back sent butterflies to your stomach as you heard Peter exit the pool. 

“Not hungry?” he teased, grabbing the towel off the concrete next to you. 

“Just trying to enjoy the moment a little longer” you smiled, stretching your legs out a little before sitting up and facing the brunette in front of you. A semi-dry hand extended in front of you as he finished drying off his hair. 

“M’lady” A giggle escaped both of your lips as you accepted his hand to get off the low sun chair. “You don't have to wait up for me, I’m gonna clean up down here a bit, will you tell aunt may i’ll be there in a second?”

“Sure, don't take too long. Not sure how much will be left after MJ gets her hands on the food” you poke, sliding on your flip flops and heading up the deck. “Aunt May, go grab a seat! You’ve done enough,” 

“Y/N, you're too sweet” she sighed as you took the apron off her and handed her a made plate. 

You flipped off the grill letting it cool before you scrubbed it down and closed it. “Peter said he would be right up Aunt May” 

“Of course you would know,” Michelle snickered quietly causing a blush to raid your cheeks. You found your seat next to Ned as you put your feet up across his lap. The empty chair next to you was soon filled by Peter. 

Ned’s head dropped a little as he played with the last fry left of his plate. “Man, I’m gonna miss this”

The mood grew somber for a second before you gently slapped his arm, “Ned! There's nothing to miss silly! The three of us got chosen for Stark apprenticeships and MJ and Liz will be right across the street at NYU!”

“Yeah, you're not getting rid of us that easily” MJ chuckled, lifting the spirits of the table around us. Aunt May was the first to go inside. As food was eaten and laughter took over most of the conversation, the sun drifted lower and lower into the sky and the only illumination came from the LEDs lining the porch. Somehow you found yourself curled up on Liz’s lap while MJ stretched out over Peter and Ned. 

“An-and remember when Ned accidentally stole Mrs. Hairns textbook!” MJ cried, laughter and tears emerging from her face as you all mirrored her expression. 

“I thought she was gonna kill me” he laughed, furthering your fit of giggles. 

After this, Ned was the next to enter the house, not that it surprised anyone. He was practically a zombie without his mid-day nap. Then about an hour later, it was MJ, citing her tiredness to ‘putting up with you fools all day’. Leaving just you, Peter, and Liz. 

“Man what a day,” Liz sighed as the three of you walked down to the lawn, blankets in hand. You laid them out and each found your spot under the stars.”I’m really gonna miss you guys”

The bottom of your throat contracted slightly as tears welled in your eyes. “Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too.”

“Y/N, What about what you said earlier! You guys can't be losing hope this early.” Peter nervously retorted.

You braved back the tears and half heartedly agreed,“Yeah, yeah, you're right… I think I’m gonna call it a night.” The two called goodnight to you as you climbed the stairs and enter the dark house. After showering the chlorine and dirt from the day off, you got into your pjs and went to set your alarm. Crap. You crept down the stairs to retrieve your phone from the lawn. You quietly opened the door and pattered onto the deck.

“Peter… Things are gonna change after today… I just wanted to let you know…” You froze at Liz’s queue, peering over the bannister onto the lawn below you. “I am afraid of losing you guys…. I’m afraid of losing you…”

Peter swept the hair behind her ear and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “Nothing will come between us… or the group… I promise.”

Famous Last Words...

My heart dropped into my stomach as I quickly snuck back into the house and to my room. When I collapsed, I let the tears fall freely.

August

“I can't believe my babies are leaving the nest!” Aunt May cried as Peter packed his last box into your car. Aunt May insisted on seeing you out before you drove upstate. 

Peter's face turned a bright pink as he closed the trunk and turned around, “Aunt May.. We’re only like an hour north..”

“That's an hour too far,” she retorted, pulling both of you into a tight hug. “Stay safe, drive slow, and call me when you get there!” 

Your eyes teared as the warm safety that encompassed you dropped with her arms. “Of course Aunt May, Love you” Wiping your eyes, you hopped into the car with Peter copying you on the passenger side. 

“Ready?” he sighed, a smile replacing the frown that was seen on his face just moments ago.

You turned the keys and released a sigh of content as well when the grumble of the engine filled your bones. “Yeah” The trip was a short one. Peter mostly scrolled through his phone and you mostly sang to the songs on the radio. 

After arriving at the new apartment Ned, who had already been there for a week or so, rushed out to help carry in their boxes, “Hey Losers!” After exchanging greetings, box after box was unloaded and placed in the new 4 bedroom suite you shared. You took your time tediously unpacking your contents throughout the day and placing them throughout your room. The boys, not so much. By the end of the night, both of the boys were out in the living room because their rooms were blocked off by boxes. Their sleeping figures warmed your heart as a sad smile found itself on your face for the 30-somethingth night in a row. Finding your way to your bed, your heartstrings were pulled in harmonious fashion, wailing a ballad only you could hear. With another sleepless night threatening your hollow shape, you sighed and walked into the kitchen and bathrooms, unpacking almost the entire apartment. 

The boys awakened around 7:00 due to the rustle of you sorting through the living room boxes and unpacking them. Ned was the first to notice the lack of boxes. “Damn Girl, what time did you wake up!” he laughed.

“I couldn't sleep last night, that's all” you nervously chuckled, catching the attention of Peter. 

Concern painted itself on his face as he walked over and knelt in front of the box you were unpacking. “You couldn't sleep?”

“Yeah, its nothing”

His hand reached out and grabbed yours, stopping you from unpacking, and his eyes searched yours. “What's wrong Y/N?”

“N-Nothing Peter. Just not used to the new setting that's all” 

He let out a suspicious “ok” and returned to his playful behavior with Ned in the kitchen. You quickly wiped a tear from your eye as you picked the box up and folded it, throwing it into the pile.