#so ive pushed myself into relationships with people i didnt love way too fast to try to be normal‚ to turn out right'

[gibbearish]

hello mr ajr nice to meet you ive been listening to your music every day for the last four years and i think it would benefit you greatly to google aromanticism someday. thank you

[insidetheacademy]

Say You Love Me

pairings: Peter Parker x Reader (peter and reader are both 18+)

summary: in which reader wants Peter but Peter is happy in his relationship

warnings: angst angst angst and bad writings

gif credits: tomholland (i cant tag them:-(!)

part ii  part iii part iv part v

-

the birds were chirping outside of my apartment signaling to the flocks of other birds to go home as the sun was going to set. you were sitting on the couch with your phone in hand scrolling through instagram when a message notification dinged and it read a familiar name “peepee”. you read the message and it said “what are you up to?”, you hover your thumb to the notification and send a quick reply “hello to you too– i’m currently on my couch just hanging. how about you, spiderboy?”.

surprisingly after a few seconds he replied, it wasnt quite like him to reply fast enough due to him patrolling often when the sun goes down but you guessed maybe he’s taking a break from it.

“do you maybe want to eat sushi? i’m super hungry,” he said, you then shoot back “sure why not. i’ll meet you at our usual spot,”. your phone dinged yet again but you didnt need to look at it as it would probably be him saying okay.

you went to your wardrobe and picked out a black top with a pair of jeans nothing too flashy. you wouldnt want to dress up just for some silly “eating with your friend” kind of date plus you knew that Peter would dress down anyway so why not do the same? after you grabbed your bag and your phone you headed out to meet Peter.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

as you walked into the sushi restaurant, you stopped to search for Peter, your eyes then stopped when you saw a brunette boy with the biggest grin who’s sitting at a table next to the sushi counter waving at you. you head over to him and exchanged hi’s.

“how’s it going, spider boy?” you asked cheekishly, he rolled his eyes and replied “the same old same old. Aunt May’s out of town for the next few days,” you nodded in response. “i must say, tonight you’re looking quite marvelous,” he said sarcastically not knowing the butterflies in your stomach that he just set free. you sticked out your tongue at him and say “you’re not being slick, Parker,” he laughed it off and continue to look at the menu. the waiter then came to take your order.

once the both of your orders came, the both you digged in straight away. the whole time they were eating it was filled with laughters, chewed food shown on your tongue to him and light conversations. after you were done eating, you split the bills.

whilst walking back home, he asked you “hey, y/n, how do i ask a girl out?” you laughed at him and said “i dont know, Pete?? i guess try giving her flowers and then hit her with the big ol’ question.” he nodded mentally taking note eventhough it was so simple an ant could remember it. you hoped and pray that this girl is you.

you were curious to know who was this girl, you tried asking him but he said its a surprise. you would’ve thought that you stopped here but oh no, you tried pushing Peter into spilling it but he refused to do so.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

it was 8am on a Saturday and your phone was vibrating so loud. what an annoying sound you thought to yourself, trying to get back to sleep as it would most probably some unknown caller. it stopped. well, for awhile then it got to ringing again, frustratedly you got out of bed to look at your phone and it was Peter calling.

“you better have some good explanation on why you’re calling me at 8am on a Saturday, Parker.” you said sternly to him to which then he respond with “uh, yeah, so i’m trying to buy flowers for the girl i’m asking to prom and i don’t know what kind of flowers are girls into,” you mentally palm yourself to his idiocy and replied “get a rose. its cliché but its kinda romantic in a way, i guess,” how the hell were you supposed to know what other girls like? all you know was that you liked sunflowers and allisium. so you asked him to get the most basic flower, a rose. he thanked you and immediately end the call. great! now you can go back to sleep.

time skipped to 8pm, you were lying on you bed just listening to a song by Heart Attack Man. you were just vibing to the song when the doorbell rang. you paused the song and went straight to the door. you opened the door to meet a brown eyes and a curly haired boy, he was smiling like crazy. you looked at him weird, “what’s up, Parker?” he then proceed to hug you and he literally squealed “I asked Jane to go to out and she said yes!” your heart shattered to million pieces.

not gonna lie, you thought he was gonna ask you. i guess he was still pretty clueless about your feelings towards him. he went on and on and on about Jane’s reaction when he asked her. you couldnt do anything except smiled and nodded at him. though it was breaking your heart you couldnt do anything.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

it has been a year since Jane and Peter are a thing. ever since he has gotten together with Jane, Peter had bailed you so many times. it happened frequently to the point where you had stopped texting him altogether.

you tried moving on, tried going on dates with loads of people. even people who are not your type. well eventually you found one guy, his name was Sam. he was actually kinda perfect but you broke things off with him but the feeling was mutual. you both decided that the both of you are too busy.

you were walking at a park when you saw Peter with a girl beside him. he caught your eye and gave you the hugest smile ever. you noticed his familiar warm smile but you chose to ignore it and look at the opposite direction. “y/n, wait up!” you immediately stopped in your tracks as he stop running to you taking a deep breath, you look at him pitifully.

he asked you the usual catching up stuffs. you were trying hard to not cry when Jane came to him and greet him “hey babe! who’s this?” Peter then introduced you to Jane “Jane this is y/n. my best friend.” you exchanged smiles with Jane, she then said to Peter “i gotta go home now, babe. i got work tomorrow.” they pecked each other on the lips before she goes and you wanted to puke.

you were awfully silent when you’re with him, he couldnt help but noticed it “is everything alright, y/n? you’re not your usual self.” you wanted to cry at his words. you try to control yourself and try to tell him the truth, “can I be honest with you Pete?” he nodded frantically and you continued “i... i kinda like you. i have always liked you since high school. i want you for all of my life. i had someone during the time we stopped talking, but everytime he kisses me, i wish it was you. everytime he hugs me, all i could think about was your-“ Peter cuts you off with a stern voice “thats enough,”

you were taken aback by his voice and the fact that he cuts you off mid sentence. you looked at him trying to hold back the tears, “y/n, look, i like you too but as a friend. i’m happy now with Jane and i wouldnt change it for the world. i am sorry that you like me but you have to find another.” you winced at the words that he said and you couldnt help but walk away.

you were sobbing absentmindedly on your bed, holding to your dear heart. this is what you expected him to say. this is what you had expected to happened. it was all like a nightmare. you pinched yourself so many times wishing that it was to wake up in his arms while they were cuddling watching a boring movie but it isnt and you had to accept it.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

a/n; feedbacks are welcomed!! and so are questions!’ everythinge is welcome, i am so bored with locking myself for another 2 weeks!!!

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 17 -  “Bamboozle Me Faster So I Can Go To Sleep” - Sarah (FINALE)

Okay so Caeleb went out last round by a 4-3 vote against Sarah, in which, was surprised Sarah got that many votes, as I had thought Stoner was getting the votes over Sarah from the other side.  End of the day though, didn't really affect much, as target still went to jury, although was by far the toughest vote yet that I have had to make, as I really do personally like Caeleb, he was just too big a threat to be keeping around.   Now, I made the final 6, got a jigsaw immunity to try to win, or at least, one of myself, Stoner, Sarah or Tommy win this immunity, to keep the power on our side.  Then, my ideal this round would actually be Eve going over Kevin, but, I have a feeling my side will probably want to rather target Kevin.  So, will see what occurs, and go from there.   If anything, might even do a vote split if one of us 4 win immunity, but time will tell.   Anyways, it's surreal to believe that this game is almost over, and hoping to make final 5!

well........ y'all its a sad day, caeleb went home last night, 4-3 myself and eve in the minority with him, and its not looking too good for us. BUT WAIT RIGHT THERE.... i wake up and look in my bag and my CINNAMON APPLE CAELEB GAVE ME THE LEGACY ADVANTAGE !!!!! this acts as an idol at the final 6 which means I'm not going home !!!!! This is an incredible feeling but it still only gets me to the final 5, I have to play out from there until the end. I'm in a tricky situation with eve who I trust, but with this immunity being a puzzle i think if i really tried i could have a good shot at winning but do i risk winning 2 immunities in a row and THEN on top of that playing an advantage?? my threat level would increase SO MUCH, but it might be what i need, i dont see myself in the position to make any big flashy strategic moves in this end game, meaning i have to make a statement some other way to the jury. But do I risk losing the last 2 immunities?? It's an incredibly tough call that I have to make before i would like because i work through the challenge deadline and the first 2 hours of tribal, so i really need to get my shit together soon. I'm a lot of things but a quitter is not ones, im not in an ideal position but at least im in any position, better this than ponderosa. I just have to make the best move WHATEVER that is, and hope that it pays off in the longrun. Do i pitch a final 3 to tommy?? Would he take me to the end? Do i try and rekindle with sarah/stoner or do I bank on my relationship with darcy is enough to keep me in? So many factors, so little time, so many possibilities. Survivor gods please be on my side. Please. 

Eve I love you and you're great, but you pushed way too hard to know what my vote was, then tried to vote me out. Even if I'm a goat, I'm not THAT stupid 👀 Also. Even if I don't get individual immunity, I fuckin LOVE PUZZLES 

I can't believe I made it to the finale after this crazy season but it's no time to slow down I'm in the Final 6 and I need to keep playing hard because now I can be in a vulnerable position after flipping last tribal. I just need to make sure I don't go home tonight, or Darcy, or Stoner. Right now I think I can potentially win if I get to the end with the people I'm planning to so I just need to keep trying my hardest to stay afloat in this game, keep moving towards the goal and doing my best. Hopefully I end up on top! :) 

CHRIS IS VOTED OUT

Final 5 and I feel like I already lost the game, but as long as they keep me I'm going to keep fighting until the end and try to win at final tribal council if I''m able to survive. I think if I can survive tonight's Final 5 tribal I have a really good shot at making it to Final 3 so it's all about making it to Final 3 at this point because I need to be there to have a shot at winning. 

BAMBOOZLE ME FASTER SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP. But hey last tribal was spicy as hell idk how I keep being so stupid STONER YOU FOOL. I'm voting Darcy because I'm salty about being lied to, if I get voted out this round I'm ok with it because I made it this far anyways and I think I played an honest ass game. I'd rather go down with some dignity and no sense of moral turmoil and guilt (cough cough stoner) than go lying through my teeth to people I kinda like talking to. Also I watched tribal at 2am and never went to sleep again and am moderately delirious so catch me on no beauty sleep tonight only <3 

IM IN THE FINAL 5 BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I WON IMMUNITY AND IM IN THE FINAL 4, BY 1 FREAKING POINT!!!! god bless...... i didnt confess last round so lets jump back... actually i might've but not after that TRIBAL. So basically i won immunity and had the legacy advantage which meant me and eve were in the final 5, but not everyone knew that, when i did my talking it seemed as though the consensus was DARCY... or so i thought, but either way I didnt want darcy out which meant I had to do something, despite eve wanting darcy too with my legacy advantage being the key component to that whole round I knew stoner had to go home after our last conversation together, practically threatening me and telling me im a big threat and im gonna go home, all while cockily saying he's not going anywhere, and continuously talking about how keeping him is good because he's gonna do what's "convenient" but guess what stoner, you can't reason with convenience, so he had to go. so I told eve we should do stoner instead, the threat of him having an idol had been around since the final 7 and with next round the last time to play one and my legacy being good until 6 i was in a tricky spot, so I swapped mine and eves votes to stoner and luckily they split they're votes somehow for some reason and after eves 2 were cancelled the vote was 2-2 which could have ended up as a tie but with myself and eve both SAFE we had nothing to lose to campaign at tribal why stoner should go and how we aren't going to flip our votes, in the end it worked and 4-0. After tribal i approach sarah considering her allies just blindsided her to which i am presented with the idea that she wants DARCY gone, cracks were already forming which is JUST WHAT I WANTED, i knew stoner was the glue holding sarah and darcy together if at all considering each of their relationships to him, so cutting him out broke the ice on the darcy vs sarah fued. Fast forward to now, i win immunity after a STRESSFUL FUCKING DAY OF THIS CHALLENGE, but i won so im GRATEFUL. Anyways it seems like people still wanna do Darcy, tommy and eve included, HOWEVER, if i had it my way tommy would go home tonight, he's a big physical threat and if FIC is a pressure cooker I don't see myself beating him, and if i can use this to keep darcy on my side and potentially protect me if eve flips on me at four then thats great, if not that then darcy and sarah can continue to be at each others throats while me and eve go to the final 3. 

DARCY IS VOTED OUT

SARAH IS VOTED OUT

Tonight is final trial! I need all the luck I can get, tonight it the determining factor that will show who the winner of this long chaotic season will be, stay tuned!

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TAKES PLACE

Well tonight after final tribal council it feels like I have no chance, I was thrown off by nicole (Rightfully so) and didn't know how to recover. Ive learned how Egotistical and how much of a bully people see me as. I really dont see a point in winning a game if people think im those things. I really hope kevin gets his second win and joins the ranks of 2 time winners, he really deserves it, hes so kind and has been typing to me while i was crying after that all. To say the least, I dont know what else to say in this game, I had a lot of fun getting to know people. I played hard, but unfortunately I guess I need to do some self work from the sounds of it. Maybe I'm just taking Nicoles speech about me to hard, but i really thought me and her made up. Clearly, theres still some things that need to be discussed between the two of us. I never meant to hurt anyones feelings, put down anyone, or make people feel like they where beneath me, but I guess i did, and I have to own that now. This game really has reminded me of why 1) I am in this community because of the AMAZING PEOPLE ive met and 2) Why i need to take a break from them, because at the end of the day, I clearly have a lot to work on to make sure im not an egotistical bully, for some reason those words stuck with me more than anything else that was said tonight. Thank you monty and gage for the AMAZING season and the good times, sorry if my game was not as good as it could be. I feel like ive crawled my way up from the bottom so many times. And here I am sitting at FTC, feeling on the bottom again. 

[kweebtrash]

Dom(me)s Aren’t Built In a Day: Johnny Vers. (M)

Pairing: Johnny X Reader

Features: Choking/Breath play, restraints, spanking/paddling, cock rings, Switch!Johnny, bratty behavior, oral sex/69, light scratching/biting, rough sex, established relationship and some fluffy shit because i couldn’t resist

Genre: Slight Angst, Smut.

Word Count: 7.3k

A/N: So I kinda got carried away with this one. And i was going to make Johnny a sub all the way but the story took it’s own course. Anon I really hope you like this because i love it! I’m so much better writing kink than fluff lol. Thanks Anon <3

DABIAD Mini Series Masterlist

My hands slid underneath the hem of his shirt, feeling the warm skin and firm muscles underneath. I dug my nails in ever so slightly when his hand grabbed my ass forcing me closer to his body. I sighed softly into his kiss, wanting more and hungry to feel him deeper.

“You wanna go to the bedroom?” I smirked as i laid open mouth kisses on his neck.

“I guess…”

He guessed?? “What do you mean you guess?”i asked.

He shrugged and diverted his eyes. “If you wanna…”

“Well it's not really consensual if you dont want to.”

“I'll do it for you.”

I pushed Johnny off of me and got up from the couch. “Just say you fuckin’ dont want to. Damn.”

It had been like this. For weeks now. Apathetic, mediocre. Trying to get a groove back that seemed to have faded already. We had been dating for almost a whole year now, and when it first began it was like we set the whole world ablaze. Every moment with him was ecstatic and filled me with feelings of lust, love, and happiness all at once. Yet lately it seemed like he didn't even want to touch me. I was shocked when he initiated the make out session, even a little turned on to be grinding on the couch like horny teenagers. But even that little bit of a spark disappeared within minutes. And now I knew for sure that he was just doing it to try and please me. Not that him rutting unenthusiastically into me made it feel good.

I had plenty of thoughts running through me head. Was he cheating? Did he fall out of love with me? Was he sick? Medical issue? Depression? He wasn't talking to me and that made me even more worried. How did we even get to this point?

I went over to his bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. A few moments later he was in the doorway, hands shoved deep into his pockets. “I'm sorry…” He said quietly. He was hiding behind his dark brown bangs, shyer than he normally was.

“What is going on with you? You're never like this and you wont talk to me about anything! When did that start happening?” i let out a frustrated sighed as my mind went to that place again. “Are you….are you cheating on me?”

Johnny’s head snapped up instantly. “What? No! Fuck no! I would never. Why would you think that?”

“I DONT KNOW! You’re not talking! Tell me what's going on then!” i couldn't help the angered tone in my voice.

“It's nothing! Nothing's wrong i just…” He shrugged. “I guess I'm in a funk or something. I don't know. I was hoping it would go away but it hasn't.” He rubbed the back of his neck and groaned. “Dont worry about it ok? I'll figure it out.”

“Figure it out…” I scoffed. “So you've been ‘figuring it out’ by yourself for weeks and you've become reclusive and it feels like you're repulsed by me.”

“Don't be so fucking dramatic. I'm not repulsed by you. Nothing wrong with you. Just let me do this by myself.”

“Fine.” I got up from the bed and pushed past him. “You can call me whenever you ‘figure it out’.” i rushed to grab my bag and keys from by the couch and went over to the door.

“Yeah, thanks for being understanding!!” He screamed after me. “Selfish ass!!”

I guess I was being selfish. It wasn't really about the sex...part of it was of course but what the hell was he hiding? I had spent various nights crying, going days without a call or text, even though he was posting his photography on instagram. It seemed like he was going on without me. That was until one night he finally broke the silent vow that had manifested between us.

“I'm sorry. I really wanna see you. I miss you.” i heard him breathe into the phone.

“Are you drunk?” i sighed.

“Yeah but it's fine. I know what i'm saying. Come over.”

“I'm not going over while you're drunk. Where even are you?” I could hear loud noises in the background and people screaming over each other.

“Out. Please. Meet me at my place. You still have the key dont you?”

“Yeah but-”

“Let me fuck you.”

No. That was bad. Very very very bad. And i should not go over there. I got up and grabbed my keys, swiftly putting on my shoes and making a terrible decision.

When i got to his place he was already pushing me against the door, his mouth overwhelming mine and hands roaming everywhere. I was clawing at his clothes, practically tearing them away. He looked amazing. Tight jeans that accentuated his firm ass, black shirt that was now tossed aside and heated muscles that drove me to open my legs instantly. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bedroom, pushing me onto the bed and crawling on top of me. My breaths were coming out so hard that my lungs were starting to burn. The only thing i could think about was him making me cum. Just please make me cum. Ive missed you so much, Johnny. So much.

I couldnt say what i was thinking. I was too busy pulling him closer to the heat between my thighs, wanting to ride his face until the sun came up. My hand was digging into his scalp while his were on my breasts, squeezing and kneading as he rained kisses over my lower stomach. I shoved off my sweatpants and panties, eliciting a growl from his hungry lips. “Fuck Johnny….please.”

He grabbed my hips with a smirk, yanking me towards him and moving up to swallow my lips again in sinful twists and turns of his tongue. “I'll get to you in a minute, baby i promise.”

I whimpered wantonly. “Don't keep me waiting. Ive missed you so much.”

He licked my lips and groaned. “Fuck, me too. You feel so damn good and i'm not even inside you yet.” He trailed his lips to my neck biting down hard against the sensitive skin as his denim clad cock ground into my center. My hands raked up his back, stopping right at the base of his neck. I arched into him, returning the rolls of his hips as gasps of pleasure fell from me. “Choke me.”

I stopped then and there. “What?”

“Choke me. For the love of god, fuckin’ choke me.” He took my hand in his, placing it on his neck as his eyes sealed shut, waiting.

I pulled away, sitting up slightly. “Johnny! That's dangerous!”

“No, it"s fine. Please just do it. It'll get me off.”

My eyes went wide and i scrambled away from him. “I-i cant do that. That's just…”

“Why not? It's easy. Just do it.”

“You could stop breathing! I'm not gonna kill you.”

“Exactly! It wont kill me! You're not gonna hurt me. Just…” He looked at me, eyes dark and pleading.

“I cant. Im sorry. I...i knew this was a bad idea. I have to go.” i quickly grabbed my pants and pulled them on. He didnt even try to stop me. He just sat there, head hung low and hand clenched around the sheets. I rushed out of there fast, my heart still racing with nervousness. I had never been asked that before and for Johnny to even suggest that...was that what he was wanting before? Why he was so distant? I just...i couldn't do that to him no matter how badly he wanted it. My heart hurt now...maybe we werent exactly made for each other after all.

--

A month had passed and we still were barely talking. I wasnt ready to move on but...maybe it was time. He was on my mind everyday and i also continuously wondered if maybe he had found someone else. Someone who could do what he wanted. We had arranged to meet at his place again. I was going to get my things and probably break it off for good. As I drove to his apartment i willed myself not to start crying. I had to be strong. This was for the best. Maybe not for me but maybe for him. In my head I tried to convince myself that I wanted him to be happy even if it was with someone else. But it wasn't really working.

When i got to the front door and knocked there was no answer. He knew I was coming...he had to be home. I sent him a text and waited. Minutes passed and still no answer. I still had the key to his place -i had planned to give it back to him today- but i didnt want to burst in there. It seemed rude now since we were so distant. But he still wasn't answering. I reluctantly set the key in the lock and went inside. The place was dark, there was only a dim light coming from his bedroom. “Johnny?” I called out.

Still no response. Now i was starting to get worried. I went over to his bedroom, the door wide open, and i could see him lying in bed fully naked with his cock in his fist. His laptop was beside him and his headphones in his ears which would explain why he hadn't heard anything. My face was bright red and i panicked. I had no idea if I should stop him or not. I almost didn't want to. He looked so...damn good. The way his chest was rising and falling, his legs tensing and hips bucking with each pass of his hand over the tip of his cock. I dared to step a little closer to him and i noticed the video that was playing on his laptop. Of course it was porn but stuff that we had never watched together. The man was tied up, rope decorating his skin in intricate patterns, his mouth gagged shut and a blindfold over his eyes. There were marks all over his backside, most likely the branding from the tall amazonesque women dressed in latex behind him. She was holding a thin rod of what looked like maybe wood in her gloved hands and he was begging her for more. She complied, landing another hard whip from the cane making him cry out. When the wood landed on skin, Johnny's body tensed, his breath hiccuping for a moment before he licked the dryness from his lips. His cock was leaking now, the sound of wet skin on skin coming to my ears.

I swallowed hard and reached out to him, setting my hand on his sweat slicked chest. His eyes shot open and he jumped up quickly, yanking the headphones out his ears and slamming the laptop shut. “Jesus!! Dont you knock!?” he pulled a pillow over his lap and glared up at me.

“I did!! I knocked, i texted you, and i called out to you! You're the one with headphones jacking off to…that stuff…”

His face flushed a bit and he got up from him bed trying to making his way over to his bathroom. “Why are you here?!”

“We agreed for me to come over and get my stuff! Don't you remember?”

He groaned. “Shit...that was today?”

“I thought that's what we said!” i shifted my feet a bit. “Sorry, i came in with the key. I didnt want to but you didnt answer and...well…”

He pushed his hair back briefly wiping the sweat from his forehead. “It's fine...it's my fault. Um…” He looked down at the pillow that he was clutching tighter. “I'm gonna uh...you know.”

“Finish?”

“What?! N-no! I mean not while you're here now! That's like...weird.” He said.

“Why? I mean I know why but i've seen your dick like...hundreds of times.”

“Yeah but we're…”

“What are we exactly?” I asked.

He looked down at his feet. “I dont know. I thought you hated me.”

“Hate? No! I thought that...i thought a lot of things. I thought you didnt want to be with me because i was scared to choke you. I thought that maybe sex was that important to you and then it made me feel like shit.”

“i felt like shit when you thought it was weird. And i'm sorry about the choking thing. Me being drunk and springing it on you wasn't the best way to go about it. I'm glad we didn't have sex that night.” He replied.

“Me too.” i nodded before glancing back at his laptop. “I really miss you Johnny. Like it hurts so bad to not be around you. And if...this stuff is important to you i'm willing to at least try it.”

His eyes snapped up to me. “R-really? You really don't have to. I dont want to make you uncomfortable. I guess this is what we’re struggling with anyway.”

“I am uncomfortable but...maybe you can teach me and we can try stuff?” I nibbled my lip a bit. “You looked really hot listening to it...just saying.”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Thanks...um…” He leaned in a bit placing a soft kiss on my lips. I smiled and looked up at him.

“So do I spank you and call you a bad boy now?”

He nodded. “That would be kinda nice.”

“Do I say mean things to you?” I asked fumbling over the thoughts in my head and just spitting them out.

“No, i'm not into degradation, just control. Or lack thereof. You're in control. You command me essentially.”

“Command you?” I thought for a moment. “Like get on your knees and eat me out?”

“Right now?” He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

I cleared my throat. “If you dont i'll...spank you.”

He smiled which made me cover my face. “Im sorry! I'm trying!”

“No, no. It's okay. I appreciate it. You're so cute.”

I set my face in his chest, trying to hide my embarrassment. “Am i supposed to sound scary? Like how am I supposed to do it?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Not for nothing but we can watch some stuff together. Its a bit exaggerated but you'll get the gist of it.”

“Watch porn...together?”

“Nothing more romantic, am i right?” He laughed and nodded towards his bed. “C’mon.”

I took off my sweatshirt and jeans, tossing them away with my shoes and climbed into bed with him. He sat up against his headboard, setting the laptop on the pillow and opening it back up.

“Ok,” I held onto his arm and exhaled. “Let do this.”

--

Oh god. I could see why he wanted this so bad. Never in my life had i seen anything so lustful and sensual than my small hands wrapped around Johnny's throat. His full lips were parted, only being able to let out small raspy gasps as his chest tried to compensate for the lack of air. I held his life in my hands, which in of itself was the most powerful thing i had ever felt. My thumbs pressed into his adams apple and his hand instantly grabbed the top of the headboard to steady himself while i rode his cock like I was never going to see him again. And when he came -Jesus- when he came it was like a whole new world had opened and we were the only ones in it. My whole body tensed, convulsed, clenched around him as his cum filled me. He had arched against me, making my nails dig into his skin before he tapped my wrist quickly. I let go instantly and he gasped in air in huge gulps, coughing just a bit.

“A-are you o-okay?” i stammered as i still felt my legs shaking on either side of his hips.

He nodded, coughing into his elbow and struggling to regain his breath. I bit my lip now worried that i had done something wrong. “Johnny!”

He waved me off, giving me a thumbs up before he finished his coughing fit. “FUCK!” he wiped the back of his mouth. “Damn...that was-”

“Did it hurt? Are you ok? I'm sorry, God i’m so sorry. I was caught up in the-”

He interrupted me like i had done to him except it was with a hard kiss. He pulled me down to him, kissing me deeply and desperately. When he pulled away I was almost lightheaded from the intensity. “You're amazing. Like...incredibly amazing.”

“You've never cum like that before. I um…” I looked down at our bodies still connected and the bit of stickiness that was slowly sliding out of me. “It was a lot...and really….wow.”

“Yeah...wow is...one way to describe it. Can we do it again?” He smirked.

“Right now? Are you sure? I think I marked your neck though.” I blushed.

He bit his lip in his charmingly awkward way. “Hell. Yes.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pushed me down to the bed, attacking my neck and chest with kisses and bites making me giggle.

“Johnny! Wait!” I squirmed beneath him, trying to still his nibbles and licks. Him laughing against my neck tickled even more until I was almost in tears. “Stop!” He didn't, even when i begged but an idea popped into my head amidst my giggles. I landed a hard smack against his ass using as much force as i could given my position beneath him. He stopped instantly, clutching my sides roughly. “When I say stop what do you think that means?”

“Stop, ma'am.”

“Ma'am?” I mulled it over. I didn't think I was a Mistress or Mommy or Queen or anything just yet. Besides some of those titles still made me squeamish.

“Would you want me to call you something else?” he asked, head still bowed and buried in my neck.

“No. I like that. Say it again.”

“Yes ma'am.”

I smirked feeling the sense of power return. “Good boy. I think you should bend over now.”

--

~2 years later~

“Why are you mad at me? You're the one who walked out on me!” Johnny yelled once we got into our shared apartment.

“Because I don't like public proposals and you did it right in front of everyone!”

“It was a surprise engagement party!”

“I still dont like that! It puts me on the spot and it makes me have anxiety and it forces me to say yes!”

“So you dont want to say yes?” He looked at me confused and full of hurt.

“No, i mean...i just...can i think about it?!”

“Think about it? We've been together for so long already! What is there to think about?!”

“I dont know! I mean...divorce rates, family shit, insurance, an entire fucking wedding that we cant afford! A stupid dress that i'm only going to wear once and costs like a quarter of my college debt.”

“And all of that was enough to make you walk out on me? Really?”

“I just have to think about it, ok?!”

“Think about it on the couch then.” He walked into our bedroom-the one that used to belong to him and only him- and slammed the door shut. I sighed, angrily kicking off my heels and plopping down on the sofa. My arms crossed as my stubbornness was kicking in. I wasnt apologizing. I hated crowds and when he got down on one knee in front of our friends my anxiety went into over drive and i panicked. I had run outside, my emotions a terrible melting pot of odds and ends. I didnt come back to the party. It ended horribly. That was when we drove home in a tense silence that had exploded as soon as we stepped foot into our home.

I thought back to the first year of our relationship. How hot and cold we were because of all the changes we were going through. It was so distant and painful. I didnt want to go through that again. That was when the giddiness hit. He had proposed, completely unexpected and while i almost had an anxiety attack at our surprise engagement party….he had actually proposed. Like PROPOSED. I covered my face with my hands and felt the heat rising all the way to the tips of my ears. I never thought that would happen ever. It hadnt even crossed my mind before. I was so focused on building my business and living our life as a couple who lived together that I hadnt thought that far. A piece of paper and a ring wouldnt change how i felt about him but he had clearly thought it through. Enough to do a party after all.

Oh Johnny. This is why even though I controlled you, you had me wrapped around your finger tight.

I got up and unzipped my form hugging dress, stepping out of it and kicking it out the way. I went over to the bedroom, knocking gently before stepping in. He ignored me, opting to keep his eyes glued to his phone. His blazer was strewn on the bed, tie and top buttons of his shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows while his hair escaped the hold his pomade had on it. “Johnny…” I called out softly.

His thumb flicked over the phone screen, his eyes following the scrolling blue and white masses of texts and photos. I crawled onto the bed and sat behind him, rubbing my hands over his shoulder. He smacked them away quickly. “Dont.”

“I'm sorry.” I began, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. “I didn't mean to upset you. I panicked.” I wrapped my arms around his ribcage and held him tight.

He sighed and set his phone on the night stand. “Do you really not want to get married? Honestly i'll return the damn ring and get myself a camera.”

I turned his face towards mine and kissed his full lips gently. “Let me think about it ok? Please?” I didn't give him much of a chance to respond as i deepened the kiss little by little, pushing him back onto the bed. He let out a small grunt and i assumed it was because he was mad at himself for being persuaded so easily. But i've always had that effect on him. While our tongues were clashing with one another i drew my hand up to his neck, gently running my hands over one of his most sensitive areas. He jerked at the touch at first, knowing what it meant and the possibilities for the night. He pulled away ever so slightly, his warm breath coating my lips as he panted.

“Ma'am?” he asked tentatively.

“Mhm…” I nodded in response, letting the switch set off between us as our dynamics changed. He wasn't just my sweet, loving, awkwardly goofy boyfriend anymore. He was my pet, my submissive- the one who catered to my every desire to enact my power over him, to see him crumble beneath me, begging helplessly.

“I'm still mad at you.” He said softly.

“I know.” I gripped his neck, adding pressure right against his adam's apple. His breath stilled for a moment as i slid my legs over his lap, straddling him. “That's why I'm making it up to you. Or at least trying to. Will you let me?”

His hand fell to my hip which he squeezed twice-our signal for yes. I smiled down at him dragging my eyes to the tie that hung loosely from his neck. Improvise. I let go of his throat momentarily- much to his dismay- and undid the tie. The shirt came next, a slow tease of testing his patience as I undid each button placing kisses on each new exposed area of skin. I untucked the shirt from his pants, opening a new area across his stomach to litter with kisses and a few harsh bites just to keep him on his toes. He was usually a quiet sub until he started begging and only let out a few hisses when i bit into him. My eyes drifted up to him- he was watching me intensely, wondering where i would go next- before looking down at the zipper of his dress pants.

I ignored it for now, shuffling down to remove his shoes and socks instead. He was shifting in the bed, fingers flexing around the bed sheets as he became raptured by every move I was making. I suppose it did help that i was in nothing but a sheer bra and panty set. I had planned that way before our fight, thinking we would have a chance to slip away in the middle of the party, but at least my plan came back around full circle. “Now dont move. Stay right where i left you.” I commanded before I left him in the bed and retreated to our closet. Behind all the clothes and totes and shoes was our little box of secrets- well, over the years the size of the box had increased as our collection grew and we learned how one another worked. I pulled it out, rifling through the goodies to find exactly what i was looking for. When i turned back to the bed Johnny had removed his shirt and unzipped his pants which instantly made my brow furrow.

“Did I ask you to do that?” i gripped the base of the paddle i now had in my hand tighter.

He licked his lips and swallowed hard. “N-no but I thought-”

“You thought...huh. last time I checked your job isnt to think, it's to do what i say.” I bound over to him, grabbed the tie from the bed and pinned his wrists together, securing them in a bowline knot, making sure it was tight enough that his big hands wouldn't slip through. “On your knees. Now.”

“Yes ma'am.” He shifted onto his hands and knees, ass raised in the air. I always loved seeing him like this. Especially because his ass was so cute, even cuter when covered in bruises and hand marks too.

“Hold onto the headboard and dont move.”

He followed my order while i yanked his dress pants down along with his black boxer briefs, exposing him completely. I bit my lip, trying to stifle my giggle as i still saw faint traces of the bruises I had left on him a couple weeks ago. He was definitely due for some more. I picked up the paddle once more, turning it over and running my fingers over the leather that covered it and the icy steel grommets along the edges. I could see his shoulder blades tensing in anticipation, making his back muscles ripple. God, he looked so good. I stepped a bit closer to him, rearing my hand back and landing a hard slap across his cheeks with the paddle. He pursed his lips together, trying to suppress a groan from deep within his chest.

“What was that?” i asked, rubbing the leather across the bright red sting.

“N-nothing ma'am.” He replied through grit teeth as his head dipped.

“You know i prefer you quiet unless your begging, right?”

“Yes ma'am.” i watched his fingers grip the headboard tighter and smirked.

I brought the paddle down again for another loud thwack. His entire body lurched forward, his ankles crossing over each other sending the tension to his calves. There was no sound from him except his heavy breathing that was slowly starting to shift into raggedness. I switched from using the paddle to rub against him to my hands, trailing my nails over the burning skin. The light scratches were enough to make him squirm, his stomach dipping towards the mattress. I dragged my nails up the base of his tailbone trailing all the way up his spine. I heard the faintest of curses under his breath which made me chuckle. I pressed my index and middle finger under his chin and tilted his head up towards me. “You're purposefully being a brat now arent you?”

His eyes were hooded, long lashes fluttering as his lips parted to say something but he thought better of it. “If you think this is your punishment then you've got another thing coming, baby boy. Trust me i've got something much worse planned for you.”

I dropped my touch from him and slithered back to the box grabbing the thing he loved to hate the most. It was small and simple yet dangerous and carried the weight of torture within its expanding walls. I grabbed the girth of his hips and yanked him back to me. Johnny complied until my hands were over his semi soft cock, sliding on the cock ring over his shaft, making a slight twist in the silicone to wrap around his balls as well. “What?! No!” He hissed.

“Ooh, you're back talking me today too? I definitely won't be taking it easy on you now.” I pressed a heated kiss against his neck, kissing up to his ear before biting against his earlobe. “Get back into position.”

He nodded meekly, returning his hands to the headboard. Now he knew he was in punishment territory and there wasn't any turning back. I may have wanted to make it up to him so he wouldn't be mad at me but there was still a teensy part of me that was angry that he embarrassed me and sent me into a panic. I gave him no warning, mimicking the way he sprung that loaded question me, and slammed the paddle into him again. The indentation of the grommets were starting to form on his skin like fiery o's. I gave him little room to breathe within the next few hits, making sure every inch of his backside was covered in some sort of sordid mark. He was holding up better than he normally did though his knuckles were white and tensed around the headboard. His toes were digging into the sheets as he rocked himself slowly, trying to ease off the heavy burn in his flesh. I propped myself by the headboard, setting the paddle on the nightstand “Hi honey,” I said in a bit of a mocking tone. He lifted his head, eyes falling on me instantly. “You ok?”

He could only groan, a bit of irritation and aggravation hidden within. “Hmm just...peachy.”

I looked down between his legs at his newly formed erection that was already struggling against the cock ring. I giggled and pet his hair back gently, narrowly escaping his teeth as he attempted to bite me.

“Oohh, my baby boy's feisty. Should i just leave you here like this for another hour? Not even touching you? Or maybe i should make you watch me touch myself while you stay trapped in this cock ring.” His eyes lowered into angry slits but he said nothing. “Or I could touch you...edge you...make you scream your begs until your lungs burn? Yeah. I think i like the sound of that more.”

Johnny pursed his lips together hard. His mind was working on processing the upcoming plans and possibly on a way to give me the cold shoulder later on while i got to work on tossing his pants off completely and shoving him against the headboard. I swung my legs over his hips, getting into our favorite position. He looked up at me, his still bound hands freezing right before he attempted to touch me. He knew he was teetering on a fine line and wasn't going to push it just yet. I grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head while my hips hovered above his straining cock. His eyes stayed locked onto the small gap of space between our heat waiting for the first brush of contact. I let him have it, gliding the mesh fabric of my panties over his cock, circling my hips slightly when my clit met his head.

Johnny swallowed back a gasp biting his lip hard to keep himself steady. I fell into a slow and easy rhythm of rocking my hips against him, the thin fabric between us adding just a bit more friction and sending my nerves ablaze. I was focusing on rubbing my clit against his head, feeling his pre cum seep onto his stomach. The grip i had on his wrists tightened, my breath becoming a rough staccato. Meanwhile, Johnny was trying to increase the painful grind, digging his hips up into me. “Please…”

God, that perfect little beg always drove me crazy. He knew it to. Hed pout out his full lips, lick them so they'd glisten and entice me more and toss his head back, exposing his neck for choking, biting or both. And just when i would let go of his wrist hed try and touch me. I knew his game and he wasn't going to win this time. “Please? Please what, Johnny? Use your words.” I sunk my teeth into his neck, pulling blood to the surface and creating a deep mark. He arched up against me, letting out a soft hiss that turned into a strangled groan. I edged my hips up his torso, letting his cockhead press ever so slightly against my entrance.

“Fuck! Please, baby…let me fuck you.”

“Hmm, absolutely not.” I lowered my head to lick at his lips, tracing my tongue over his top lip and giving it a sweet kiss. He reached his tongue out to meet mine, sucking it slowly into his mouth and humming around it. I pulled away just to tease him and he arched his head towards mine, lips parted and willing to accept another kiss. I let go of one of his wrists-being sure to keep a tight grip on the tie- and wrapped my hand around his neck, keeping him pinned to the headboard. A faint whimper escaped him.

“Please ma'am, i'll be good to you. You just-” he tried reach for my kiss again but i tightened my hold on his throat. “You just…” He swallowed back and i could feel the struggle against my palm. “Untie me a-and I can-”

“Quiet. Im gonna make you put your mouth to better use.” I wiggled away from him, sliding my panties off as Johnny excitedly slid down so his head rested on the pillow. I resumed my position on him, my knees now on either side of his head. “Get to work, brat.”

He nodded and pressed his lips against my heat, already prying his tongue through my folds as he growled hungrily against me. He swirled his tongue against my clit before sucking it fully into his mouth. My head fell back and i closed my eyes reveling in the hot wet sucks and kisses he gifted me with. I edged myself forward commanding his tongue to flick into my eager hole. I wanted some form of release myself. Seeing him tied up and spanking him always made my hormones rush into overdrive. I was trying to stay strong but the way he was drinking down every bit of my slick heat had my thighs quivering. I shifted my hips into quick bounces, making sure he would dig his tongue into me, that was until i felt it disappear. I looked down at him angrily. “Did I tell you to stop?”

“N-no ma’am but...a-ahh it hurts.” I rolled my eyes and looked back at his cock that was making a mess all over his stomach. It was bright red and aching, crying out for attention. “Please? Just a little?” He gave my lower lips a few tender kisses, his chocolate brown puppy dog eyes getting to me. I grumbled angrily and accepted his little conquest before adjusting myself so my stomach pressed against his chest in a sixty-nine.

I lapped at the precum that had settled between the grooves of his abs, trying to hide the coy little moan i let out as soon as i tasted him. I trailed my tongue up to his slit, digging the tip in just enough to get him squirming. Meanwhile, my nails raked along his shaft, tracing veins that pulsated with each tantalizing stroke. Johnny pressed his hips up, just a minimal inch, trying to get me to take him into my mouth and i gave in. My lips wrapped around his head enveloping him in heated pulls. I felt his fingers wrap around my ass, pulling me closer while his thumbs spread my hole wide. His tongue resumed its rightful place inside me carving out patterns against my walls.

I swallowed hard around him, trying to get my mind to focus on his torture when all i could really think about was my pleasure. I rocked myself slowly, my mouth slurping him down each time i went forward and his tongue disappearing inside me when i went back. His deep moans were vibrating against my lips making me clench around him and i returned the sentiment. His cock throbbed against my palm as i stroked what i couldnt fit in my mouth edging him even further. My free hand slipped between this thick thighs to grab at his balls giving him a rough squeeze. His hips jerked roughly slamming his cock to the back of my throat and i harshly landed a slap against him before pulling away. “Johnny.” I growled.

He let out a deep groan as more precum leaked from his slit. I bit at his thigh harshly, gripping his balls even tighter. He cursed against my folds and his nails dug into me. He called out to me, my title thrown away, as he pleaded for me to release him. I glared back at him.

“You want it bad don't you? You're a mess baby boy.” I said. “You want this gone?” I tugged at the ring of silicone that was suffocating him. He nodded profusely, wiping away the sweat that beaded across his forehead.

“Please….” He whispered huskily. I bit my lip as his deep voice cut right through me. I undid the tie and carefully eased off the cock ring from around him. He let out a sigh of relief before covering my back and shoulders with kisses. “Thank you. Hmm...can i fuck you now ma'am?”

“You better make up for you being an impatient brat.”

“Maybe you can make up for being such a shithead then.” He chuckled.

Before i could even argue he pushed me flat on my back, my head dangling off the edge of the bed. Any protest i was going to make dissolved into a loud cry as i felt his swollen cock shove into me. My walls stretched and swallowed him down greedily. He wasted no time in slamming into me over and over creating a swirling fire in the pit of my stomach. My hands reached for him, wanting to pull him closer to me but he pinned them to my side. From over the swell of my breasts i could see him watching every movement my body made beneath him. Though he had a crushing grip on my wrists my fingers dug into the sheets trying to find a way to stabilize myself. “F-fuck! Johnny!!” I cried as my back arched against him.

He had never been this hungry for me before. Begging, whiny, and submissive yes but this was...I wanted more. I wrapped my legs around his waist, digging my heels into his lower back as i panted out my own pleads. Johnny finally blessed me with heavy kisses on my neck pairing it with slithering licks. I turned my head towards his trying to capture his lips but he pulled away quickly as if i had burned him. “No.”

No? My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean no?! Give me my kiss.”

“Now who's being a brat?” He smirked. His hips were slamming into me even harder. I could hear the harsh slapping of skin on skin that mixed in with his heavy pants and groans. I tried wiggling out of his grasp but it was no use. Blood was rushing to my head making my entire body feel like it was floating. I could hear my heart thundering in my ears, pouding louder and louder to match each of Johnny's thrusts that dug into me. I arched against him, my body begging for him to aim towards my spot. Just when the head of his cock brushed against the place i desired most he pulled away and i almost screamed. He was testing me and possibly this was his way of getting revenge on me too.

He flipped me over pressing me face down, ass up, his hand gripping the back of my neck firmly. When he reinserted himself into me i felt every pleasure point ignited. My eyes rolled back as my mouth stayed in a permanent moan, my fingers digging into the edge of the mattress. My ass rocked back against him as i felt my impending orgasm approaching. He was relentless and unending and i felt like i was going to snap in half at any minute. The pressure he was putting on my neck strangled my breathing, my chest struggling to expand but it drove me wild. I could finally feel what he had felt; the feeling of abandoning control, of trusting someone so deeply and feeling your entire body slipping away to a space of heightened pleasure.

And as my explosive orgasm hit me i sunk my teeth into the edge of the bed, screaming my sins out. A rush of heat seeped inside me as Johnny bottomed me out with a final thrust. His grip loosened on my neck but i didnt move. It was like i was frozen against him. I felt him place kisses against me, crawling up to my face where he hovered above me so i wouldnt be crushed under his tall frame. “You okay?”

“Yeah….yeah…”

“You sure?” i felt his bangs brush against my shoulder as he kissed my cheek. I nodded and swallowed hard. We shifted slowly so we laid on our backs beside each other staring up at the ceiling as our breaths returned to normalcy.

“So….” he said.

“So…”

“I think i might be a switch.”

“I think i might be ready to marry you.”

We both looked at each other quizzically having said two completely different statements at the same time.

“What?” we said again before laughing.

He turned onto his said to face me. “Did you say you're ready to marry me?”

“Maybe.” I buried my face in his chest, trying to avoid looking at him. “What's this shit about you wanting to switch?!”

“Dont change the subject!” He pulled me away from him forcing me to look up. “You serious?”

“Yeah….i mean if you want to be a switch and do...all of the shit you just did now you damn right we're getting married.” I said.

“So you're just in it for the sex, huh?” He nudged me playfully.

I cupped his face in my hands. “Of course not. I have to deal with you tripping over your own feet, and constantly recording me or taking unflattering photos of me, and you whining when i have to fix your photography website because you messed up the html code yet again, and you sending me cryptic messages because you don't know how to send a text without it sounding ominous. And if i hated all of that i would've left you by now. But the dick is a plus.”

“Ehh, you're pretty decent yourself.” He smiled at me. “Especially when you're getting fucked out from behind.” he placed a slow heated kiss on my lips, teasing me with licks and pulling away like i had done to him. “You'd make a cute sub.”

“Easy now, hotshot. I didn't get the hang of it instantly and you definitely wont either. Doms aren't built in a day you know.”

“I know that but-” His hand wrapped around my neck, his thumb tilting my head up to his. “I'm gonna have fun learning.”

[winking]

pls ignore this ,,, its gonna be so long anyway not like anyone else is gonna read it 

So, I wanted to write a reflection of my year and I thought why not right now. I’m avoiding my homework and I’m feeling tons of emotions. If it isn’t clear I’m doing this cause I want to organize my thoughts...I know I shouldn’t share personal details like this online but its not like any of you really know me.. I mean you can know me and if you do know me I don’t mind you knowing this about me but If you don’t know me then anything about me doesn’t matter. This year started out good I would say. I can’t remember much about Jan... I met lei a close friend of mine.. and we got super close we talked everyday for 5 months? almost 6.. she was nice, sweet, she was so affectionate. although I hate admitting it she made me nervous sometimes because I did like her... and I knew she liked me back.. it was a crush for sure but it was nice to experience that? Needless to say I knew it would never work for various reasons and it sucked alot but I tried to be the bigger person and kinda end it? but before that I want to talk about those months... I always thought she was a bit immature, it was one of the things i hate in people but I understood why so I dont blame her... she was emotional but I think because of that I was also.. I remember the things she did would affect me alot? which was weird... but i guess its cause I liked her alot i dont know either way... before we stopped talking idk what happened but i completely lost all feelings and I was really mean about everything. I know I shouldn't have treated her like that but... it was irritating she kept dropping hints about liking me but thats so annoying when you dont feel the same.. i didnt want to be friends anymore it was alot...to this day i regret it a bit... especially since she was part of half a year with me? I got over it really fast... and not to talk about fate or whatever but I met my girlfriend like that same week i stopped talking to lei ... this is awkward considering everything ahhh... no longer my girlfriend... she was literally... like.. an angel or something that came into my life when i was transitioning she made everything so much better and i think for sure shes the reason why i decided to cut lei completely and whew.. well yeah. i really dont know what to say about her, i love her alot and im so thankful for the time i got to be with her. my relationship w lei and my ex were so different like ofc they were but.. i think and idk if she will read this but you can’t deny how.. quickly we moved into the whole thing. well it kinda is my fault i was the one who asked her out but it was different in the sense that we knew we liked each other so there was never really that like whats the word.. pining? is that is... looking at it now i wish i could have made it longer.....liking each other but not actually having a label i dont know why... even when i asked her to be my girlfriend i didnt feel nervous at all? i overall feel like i robbed myself from the butterflies... the dynamic was just different.. w lei it was like a middle school crush that would have exploded before it started.. w my ex.. it felt more realistic.. and calm?there was a sense of relief and not having to worry if she liked me or not because i knew she loved me and im thankful for that... maybe its regret.. i wish i could experience those moments longer...i thought about if we both dated each other just for convenience and how unfair that is .. but i remember i did like her...my feelings were always there... it was just hard when i doubted hers. she has her reasons and it is too late to care about things like this. thinking if this was a mutual break up... because realistically even i knew it needed to end. there was no romance., i know i spoke of her on here alot but never with her.. it was weird actually. but also if it were up to me i wish we were still together... so logical me versus my feelings yeah.. thats tough buddy. but its okay ive dealt with it ive accepted it... and i think because our relationship had slowly and naturally led to this weird what are we kind of thing it was easier? i dont want to say we have some connection in case she doesnt feel the same lol but i like her as a person and I want to talk to her still and be friends and maybe i feel this cause it was my first relationship but i dont know... theres no bad feelings between us... i just want her in my life... so thats what im feeling right now.. so yes i felt like shit the first day.. and then the second day was worse i woke up crying not because of the breakup because i felt like...she had taken half of me w her and i was left with nothing which sounds so silly... i had this weird realization she was such a big part of my life and she got me into so many of my interests that i was really nothing. but i am still me? and i know that now. im still going to school still going to do the same things i do everyday it will just be different and its not like shes dead and i think that really made me feel better omg.. she tweeted something and i was like right.. youre still here.. and it felt normal.. and thats what i want.. i want everything to be normal i just have to accept this as normal. anyway im fine now..im very grateful for my mental health.. nothing lately has been able to tear me down.. if something pushes me down i pop right back up and im glad i can deal with emotions and obstacles in my life...so i hope she also didnt take this the wrong way of like.. i got over it so quickly ... hmm no i definitely cried and went through all 7 stages of grief KJNFKJEW but thank u for texting me yesterday...? i was going to text u today anyway but u won me ...... all of this was meant to happen... so thank u to the people who came into my life and brought me happiness but also taught me something... i dont know what else to type i know theres the whole thing about who i am or whatever... i dont really like kpop anymore well i do but not to the extent of being on stan twt im just really confused with that.. i hope i can meet some new people at school i just need to be more outgoing.. anyway if you read this i love u now u know my whole life haha

[kosmicdream]

Your Comic Baby

You know that comic or story that you made when you were a teenager (or sometimes even younger) that propelled you to really WANT to create it. FOR REAL. You put all your energy towards it, for years, determined that it was going to be the one you HAD to make. But then something doesnt go right because, comics are hard-- so you start over and over and over and each reboot gets a bit more discouraging because you have SO MUCH planned out for this thing and you’re just stuck in the loop of redoing the first 5 pages every couple of years. But something about that story, you just cant let go of. You still want to make it happen because you’ve invested and dedicated so much into it. I know that feeling. I call those stories.. your Comic Baby.

You might have a lot of babies. I know I do. But there’s always this one certain comic baby that i struggle with more than the others. Its a difficult baby because I first made this baby when I was 13. And over the course of my highschool years, I was very outspoken about how i was going to really make this a real book for everyone to read. I was constantly working on it, even taking sketchbooks and clipboards to draw it or the characters in class. People were waiting to read this story because they could see how passionate about it I was. But comics were a lot harder than I thought they would be in my mind. I mean, i knew they would be difficult but it was like my art wasn’t as good as I knew it could be when i drew comics. I didn’t get it. And I’d learn so much and so fast that once i got one chapter finished and ready to read, i didn’t like it anymore.

This process went on until i graduated highschool. This dream of making a comic. Specifically THIS comic. I had a lot of stories i was planning on doing, but there was this one comic i really REALLY invested just. My maximum comic energy into. It was different from the other comics and stories. Not that the other ones werent good, they just didnt have the same bond with me that I had with this story. This comic baby was gonna be the thing i was going to be known for and be the first comic i would presented into the world. And in the end.. it actually wasn’t.

I mean, it was, in a way. Eggshells is a prequel to that baby comic. Set in the same universe. Part of the same story, more like a mini test version reboot of the One True Baby Comic. I decided to give the comics thing another try and started to work on eggshells in August 2011, then to ink in Febuary 2012 and finally started to post it in 2013.. sometime.

I took a really long break from comics between finishing highschool and starting eggshells. I would try here and there, but not getting this baby comic out when i was still IN highschool somehow made me feel like a failure of an artist. I was very hard on myself. I didn’t really know if i was even capable of BEING a comic artist because my comics weren’t coming out how i wanted and I couldn’t finish anything. Besides that, I didn’t even know if I could even make them as a career. (I still don’t know if I can but I know I’m going to continue to try.)

When I decided to start Eggshells, i decided that it would be another attempt at my favorite baby comic because I knew that if any of my stories had the emotional legs to motivate me to get through to the final page-- it would be that one. That special baby comic. I poured so much work into planning and preparing everything in a very tradition sense. Scripts, thumbnails, drawing layouts and props and character turn arounds.. ect ect.

Then the fire happened and I lost my ‘comic bible’ of sorts. The rough draft sketches of the entire thing. It was very sad.

But even before then, actually inking pages was not very fun. Because the process i made for it was .. not very fun. I was running into the same walls that I always had when rendering comic panels. It just was too slow and I couldn’t get a consistent look that i wanted. I wasn’t sure where to put detail (or balance the detail) so I would over render constantly. I would zoom in too much. I didn’t know how much to shade and word bubbles annoyed me. I wasn’t very satisfied and I would spend way too much time on each page.

I felt pretty exhausted after trying to ink it for one year and not even getting through the first chapter. Doubt and old dread of not being capable of a comic artist weighed on my shoulders. Of course then, when the fire happened, i just decided to put all that aside again. My life kinda was.. thrown in a loop.

Similarly, my life has been thrown in another one of those loops. A different kind but still, the same sort of disoriented “where the fuck should i live” kind of things. Some of these feelings have come back, the anxieties and unsureness but.. mostly just remembering about them rather than feeling the SAME things. I have acquired a sense of accomplishment in my art .. just with a totally different comic that came out of no-where. (the worm one, you know.)

My relationship with my art has changed so much at this point and I’m so.. not.. what i had predicted for myself?? Not in a negative way. its just odd. FFAK is such a different comic than i thought I would make too. I would describe the experience of working on FFAK as like, im in a shitty junkyard car and ive decided to slam on the gas as hard as i can and see how far it’ll go. Then it just didn’t stop. It took me on a fucking journey but at 90 miles per hour. No careful consideration, so much explicit violence and sex, aggressive confrontations and social commentary. Sex hat jokes. I really got to see a side of myself that this story continues to bring out. And as I worked on ffak more and more, I would sometimes look over at the passenger seat at the Comic Baby. Crossing their arms judgmentally at me and giving me a look like “Having fun? What about ME? Wasn’t I the important one to you?? Am I not special anymore???”

So sometimes i’d feel bad. And try to work on that one again.. but it didn’t make me feel good. I felt like i had to ride the FFAK wave because that was what was happening in the present and I was discovering too much about myself to go back to this older thing that i had a frustrating history with. It wasn’t that I didn’t LOVE the other story, it just didn’t feel right to work on then. So i just let myself focus on where my energy was wanting to go: The Worm Fucks. And the worm fuck comic is the one people read first. Its the first comic of my own i really got to.. read and experience more than just the first chapter. Its been amazing but its so weird. I feel like its a different kind of artist that makes it sometimes.

I don’t regret the worm fuck comic being the one I’m known for but its still funny to me how easily it might have never happened. If the fire hadn’t taken away so much of my work, I probably would be still slowly pushing out pages for eggshells. Or maybe I would have given up and moved on to do something else with my art career? I don’t know. All i know is what I ended up doing was this weird worm comic that is still going on for .. thousands of pages! and has no end in sight! I didnt even expect eggshells to last 1,000 pages but now I can tell my page-pacing is different than how i expected. I still haven’t even finished a comic yet. Its weird? Am I able to finish comics? I guess I don’t know yet because I haven’t. i might “know” endings to my stories but its very different when actually getting it done. I understand that life is more complicated than that and things like fires can change the circumstances in 10 minutes.

So I’m feeling a fear about this uncertain future I’m facing, I’m seeing that I have to make a lot of huge life changes for where I am going to live and what I have to do to make money to support myself. I’m scared that my routine ive established with FFAK will have to change. I wonder if I’ll never be able to replicate the same exact “throw it all into the wind” energy of working like I was able to.. at least I know I can’t right now, because I need to be careful and calculated again. My surroundings arent stable enough for me to dive headfirst into my projects.

With that I’ve noticed I’m drawing eggshells a little bit and enjoying it like I haven’t before. Is it what I need right now? It feels weirdly comforting to know that, no matter what the history i have with this comic, I’ll come back to it and continue to pick at it a little. it makes me feel like, no matter where I’m going to be in this world physically-- my comics will come along with me and they dont have to leave. they arent a product of circumstance. I can get right back on the horse. Its just part of my life that doesn’t have to go away or be taken away from me. Its a nice secure feeling that there’s this art thing isnt something I have to start over. I’d rather build on what I’ve got and it might take me a long time but I enjoy the journey. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even if I’m scared about where i’ll go from here I know i’ll have my car of screaming comic babies at all different ages that are demanding my attention. and some are more patient than others, i’ve totally ditched some babies along the way that i might pick back up later or merge with other babies through some horrific experiment. I’ll even make some new ones because life inspires me constantly and I have so many problems to sort out and what better way than to project on some cool anime characters. but i love all my comic babies!!!!!! and they love me. i have unique and interesting histories with all of them.

comic baby is such a creepy word but it really feels like they are your strange brain children that are also you. i don’t ever want children of my own, but i can see that i pour.. small small aspects of that i think that energy might be into my comics. (im not pretending its actually the same thing to be perfectly clear.) They take up all your time + energy and make you constantly lose sleep..and they grow distinct personalities that you dont expect and have to deal with.. people will judge you for them and how you “raise” them (make them), you’re endlessly proud of these babies and protective and shed tears for them and want them to SUCCEED and live on forever. you want other people to love them TOO and see the best parts of them, for all their flaws. You want em all to grow up as you hoped or planned but they wont at all. They’ll be totally different but also better than you could have imagined.

Comics & Art are such a special thing to get to experience. While i hope that i can make my dreams a reality with my art, I know that they’ll always be an integral part of my life + how i experience and see life and i’m so thankful ive decided to really let room for it there. Its amazing to me that i almost thought it wouldn’t. and i wasnt going to be allowed to be happy with my art because it wasn’t good enough and i wasn’t enough. but i am. and it is good.

Thank you for reading. -Kosmic

[shinythingsorpaperrings]

things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)

Right Here, Right Now Right here, Right now I'm looking at you and My Heart love the view Cause you mean everything  im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them

Today Was A Fairytale But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me Fell in love when I saw you standing there every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly

Hung Up I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice And leave a message every time i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once

Thunder I don't wanna ever love another You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away

Check Yes Juliet Run, baby, run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart If you give them the chance we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok

Two Is Better Than One Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly

Mine You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell

Love Story And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet" But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go  swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us

Marry You Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you i think its kinda self explanatory

Can I Have This Dance Take my hand, I'll take the lead And every turn will be safe with me Don't be afraid, afraid to fall You know I'll catch you through it all this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so

2002 Now we're under the covers Fast forward to eighteen We are more than lovers Yeah, we are all we need When we're holding each other this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there

Everything I Ask For Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something) But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing) 'Cause she's everything I ask for gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow

Alone Together I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok

Still Into You I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you  i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much

Runaway (U & I) I wanna run away Anywhere out this place I wanna run away Just U and I wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start

Ours Seems like there's always Someone who disapproves, They'll judge it like they know about me and you, And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do, The jury's out, And my choice is you another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours

Song 2 You I'll give you my song These words to you Sing you what I feel My soul is true. a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people

Stupid For You You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note I'll take what I can get The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you And everybody wants you basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though

Right Girl I've never been the best with my mouth Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl

Rock Bottom That you hate me now and I feel the same way You love me now and I feel the same way We scream and we shout And make up the same day everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain

Trigger Why can't we talk about it Why don't we try I think we can change our minds If we could just look at it through each other's eyes Instead of letting bullets fly i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late

I Really Like You Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them? I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin' I'm running outta time, going outta my mind i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me

How You Get The Girl And then you say I want you for worse or for better I would wait for ever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait for ever and ever i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones

Be There I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel I'll make it right when you're going through hell I'll be the call when there's no one to tell no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there

Anchor If you’re lost And feel like you’re alone I’ll be the one to guide you home You’ll never have far to go just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to

My Life Would Suck Without You Maybe I was stupid For telling you goodbye Maybe I was wrong For tryin' to pick a fight I know that I've got issues But you're pretty messed up too Either way I found out I'm nothing without you i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails

Dopamine What you do to me is no good But baby, you're good for me, so good for me We break up to build something new Chasing after what I have with you i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after

I’m Yours So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you

I Want You Back Oh, baby, give me one more chance To show you that I love you Won't you please let me Back in your heart Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go Let you go baby Cause now since I see you it is all victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true

Just Wanna Be With You I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu I lose my voice when I look at you Can't make a noise though I'm trying to Tell you all the right words Waiting on the right words one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right

Marry Me Forever can never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think

[d-erica]

worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said  that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to  protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

[isukiddinme-blog]

10-07-2019

01:37

Tonight marks one week since i had sex with my bestfriend. I dont think ive ever felt worse about myself. I dont know if my mind is trying to push the night aside, or if i was simply just too drunk to remember but I only have flickers left. Little pieces of her body shows when i think about it. Her slim torso, her narrow waist and her pale olive skin. Her head between my legs, and her hands on my skin. It was my first time with a girl, and it was one of her worst mistakes. When i told her that she was soft and warm she giggled and told me that her boyfriend always told her that too. She told me i was beautiful, but shortly after she put her head in her hands and asked me what to do. She said she could never tell her boyfriend, and that i could never tell anyone. I agreed. I do love her, but im not in love with her so i didnt mind keeping it a secret. Word travels fast in this town, and he could not know. He was also my friend atlast and I knew this would break his heart.

The day after i was overwhelmed by guilt. I felt like throwing up and punching myself in the face. I had just ruined a friendship and a relationship in one night. A single night and I fucked everything up. Im like that i guess. I cried all the way to work that day. Told them i had allergies.

Two days after she told him. He was broken, he told her that she had ruined his world. I told my friend and my sister, and though they both told me that she was to blame the most, i still felt motified that i had ruined him. She told me this over text when i was at work. I felt dizzy, and my mind turned to mush. Served me right for what i did.

Three days after i met her at McDonald's when i got off work. He had texted me that day when i was at work. He said that he would forgive me soon, he just needed time to proces this and he still cared about me. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to rip my breasts off, i wanted to get beaten up. I decided that day that i did not deserve to eat for what i had done. One meal a day was enough for a slut like me.

When we met at McDonald's she had brought one of our friends. She had told our friend everything, despite telling me that i could not tell anyone. I did tell two people, so i could not be mad i decided. I sat back and watched them eat. I told them that i wanted someone to beat me up. She told me she felt that way too, she wanted to feel pity she told me. She said that if she was beaten up she would not be the only bad guy. I wanted it because that is what i deserve. Before i went home she told me our friendship was different now, and that we should be more careful. I felt gross when i got home. Somehow, it feels like my body is disgusting now. It feels like something is wrong with me, like i somehow got fatter, uglier and overall disgusting. I went home and took a shower. I scrubbed my body so hard that i have bruises on my thighs now.

On day four a custumer at work asked what things i could do with my mouth other than chew gum. I cried in the back. When i got home i noticed the little hairs above my lip. He must have thought i was repulsive i thought to myself.

On day five he texted me again. He told me he had forgiven me and that he hoped things between us would not change too much. I asked myself how he could be that kind. I did not let myself eat for the rest of the day. Thats what i deserved when he could be that kind.

Yesterday, on day six i had a day off. I went to my friends house. We had fun. First time ive smiled in six days. I ate that day. We watched black mirror and talked about finishing high school. Then we talked about it. I told her about the punishing and the guilt and how disgusting my body feels. She told me to take care of myself. She told me to eat and to forgive myself. She told me that i was not the one who had cheated. I think i might ihave cheated myself for putting myself in this position. Im very sensitive.

Day seven, today, i feel conflicted. I feel like i should be nice to myself again, but I hate myself everytime i try. I feel angry at her. Im angry that she wont let me rest my mind. Im angry when she says that "we" messed up, "we" are horrible people. She cheated, i didnt. I feel angry that she does not tell me to stop being like this. I dont want to share this burden with her. I have been forgiven by the person we hurt, but I cant move on and forgive myself if she wont let me feel the relief that forgiveness comes with. This will take a while i reckon.

[marsandthemoon]

changes of perspective

i had my first group counseling this week. it scares me how scared i was in there. it scares me how scary it is to talk about my negative feelings to a bunch of people. passionate feelings, happy feelings excited feelings; all of these things are SO easy for me to talk about. i LOVE talking about how things make feel if they make me feel good. but not when they make me feel bad. not when theyre bout me, not when theyre deep intrinsic problems i have and when i feel hopeless and unfixable. i hate talking about it because i feel like talking about it wont solve the problem. but maybe it does? idk

honestly despite all the pressures and stress i’ve been under, this week has been a great week. the friends i have around me that are usually a source of paranoia & anxiety have turned into people i can really just relax & be myself around. it’s crazy what a difference just being honest and opening up yourself to another person can make. 

i used to run around with these weights dragging down all my thoughts and emotions, straining to push them to the back of my mind and hoping they didnt fall over and reveal themselves. i was pushing these things into the dark hoping no one would stumble in and turn on the lights and see what’s really going on in there. but i let go of my fears and really opened up to my friend the other day about the severity of the psychosis thats been swirling in my head for the past few years.

god i was so scared, just shaking as the words began stuttering out my mouth about what ive been experiencing.. and when i was done i was just so scared of her reaction. i was so relieved to see nothing changed. it wasn’t a big deal. she understood. she sympathized. she didn’t pity me, she reassured me and told me that if what i think was happening was really happening then those people should just fuck off, and that its happened to her before and it hurts etc but you really have to move on and move forward from the traumatization.

(i often get paranoia and feel like i hear people judging me and saying bad things about me with their friends loudly in the vicinity for everyone to hear. part of me thinks i imagine it because i never turn around to see if i can see the people speaking the words, but a part of me cant accept that im imagining it because it sounds and FEELS SO REAL).

i also was able to reveal these feelings and emotions ive been having to this guy ive been talking to online for like 3 years. we have a good relationship (and we’ve met in person a few times and we have a lot of mutual friends so im safe dw lol) but we never took things to the next level because we’re both on like our too-busy-for-a-relationship-but-also-just-dont-wanna-go-too-fast-with-anyone-because-we’re-not-about-that-life-as-our-past-relationships-have-dictated flow lol.

but yeah... i never open up to anyone like that. i only have a couple friends i do open up to because 1) theyre going through it too so they understand 2)they are removed from my life in some way like by location or time so when i do talk to them its easy to reveal im going through this stuff because they dont see me in real time. even with these friends, its hard to reveal the deep deep stuff because 1) i don’t even like examining those feelings of mine in the first place. i’d rather just push them away and deny them and only even remember that theyre there when they end up manifesting themselves during my times of extreme depression and isolation. it’s crazy that i’m capable of surprise every time i fall into that deep hole. i wonder, why am i going thru this why am i sad? it’s because you have problems that you’re not working thru Mary, why else?? smh

anyway im wondering if being more open with the people around me is a result of the counseling im getting in school. some residual results? because it hadnt been feeling like it was working at first. it only succeeded in making me feel shitty after every session. but now outside the sessions, im feeling more connected to my surroundings...to the people around me... i know this feeling will fade. all good things come to an end. but i really really HOPE that i get to enjoy this feeling for a little bit longer.

[ywridiculous]

It's been a long time since ive typed here and in my offline diary. But i have to get these things out so I'll try to type everything out in the order ive felt them and what i think. All of this happened over the last few months before this. So like feb/march/April to now.

I'm very tired writing this

I'm still dating my current bf. In the past, during this relationship Ive sorta struggled with my sexuality but even more so since i had never had experience and at the time i was getting over the crush on one of my friends whos a girl. During this time (this is before this year, so parts of 2017 and then parts of 2018), at the ending months of 2018 i realized I didnt really like her like that and I felt like i wasnt appreciating what i did have. I had my boyfriend who is my best friend and I kept flip flopping around and it wasn't right. I had tried to break up about 3 times during the 3 years we've had so far together and it wasnt right. I cant remember every reason why i specifically chose to end things the first time but it was over something stupid i think. But i missed him so so much and we obviously got back together. Since then things were really nice. I kept getting confused tho... i knew i really liked him but i had also felt i liked other people that i almost had chances with. But i knew it wouldnt ever work like me and my boyfriend did.

I always felt so at home with him... but for some reason i was always influenced by everyone else's opinions. The distance between us and the fact that my friends kept saying not to do it because itll be hard and them having experience when i had none really always pushed me. Which is why, and this is the time i realized i was way too impressionable, when i broke up w him (or tried to take a break) it was cuz i just ... was lonely. I was just lonely and didnt wanna keep having this longing feeling. He was here emotionally connected with me but i couldnt be with him physically. It was probably the worst choice i made. Even though we got back together its still scarring. I cant keep doing this and so I felt a lot of guilt and said even when things are tough i cant panic and run away. That breakup lasted for a couple of days and it was the WORST pain i have ever felt emotionally. It was different then other depressive episodes ive had. I had literally gotten a chunk taken out of me. It was like i had been killed but my soul was still awake in my body. It lasted for like 3 or 4 days until i couldnt be like this and reached out. Immediately i felt better once we made up. I dont know how he feels about it. But i never wanna do that again unless i am absolutely sure.

Fast forward to 2019. I feel something is off. He told me about something he's been interested in for a while and its not a problem. But i cant explain what i feel like when its brought up and i think its because its a really big change. It sort of alters the way i would have to view him bery very slightly but even small change freaks me out. Anyway, it was p chill tho. But i noticed hed been a little distant and seemed to be having trouble with whatever thoughts were in his mind. But he wouldn't really let me in apart from snippets. Which is fine, but i also worry.. ykno? I want to show him its ok to work thru it with others. But i guess it's partly an ego thing. Everyone likes to feel wanted and trusted ykno? Idk. But we didnt really talk normally for a bit.....

Until one day things just got better. I stopped complaining to him so much because it became toxic. I am a very self centered and controlling person and sometimes it really gets the best of me. I dont need the spotlight but i need ppl to think a certain way of me or make sure I'm not the cause of anything bad...

Which is the problem. I care so much for him but for some reason i make my care for him really about myself. I do love him and want him happy... but im also afraid that maybe he could be happier without me. I talked to my friends about it and honestly there are some things he does or says that make me really upset. But at this current point in time i cant imagine myself talking to anyone else. In my eyes hes perfect for me and is the only one who can ever tolerate me... but thats so toxic and idk what to do...

Then he came to visit me. Which is a story for another post..

[morningpages-louise]

November 01 - Setting intentions for November, looking back at 2018 so far, and Reminders and affirmations of life.

it's fucking november. what the fuck. this month, no this year, it went by so fast. i literally say that every year tho. we all do. why is that? the worst part is, most of us, including me, go by it without being mindful. without appreciating the things happening before us. we just kind of let these moments slide right through us. we forget to be mindful. we forget to take a breath, look around and appreciate. appreciate all that we have. appreciate this moment right here which will never ever be replicated. instead, we thinkin about what's lacking. we think about what could make these moments better. we bring in negativity into an otherwise perfect moment. it's annoying as hell but we all do it, we do it unconsciously. this negativity should not and will not rule over our lives. that's why this November, I VOW TO BE MORE MINDFUL--take deeper breathes. take things slower. not overthink every single fucking situation and just allowing each moment to pass. i really want to spend less time infront of my screen too. engaging in mindless social media which is so damn bad i dont know why im sucked into it so much :( but yeah. i just want to go back to the basics. slow down. appreciate. and cherish these last 2 months that I have left. because i will never have these months left. appreciate and take into grattitude.

i would also really like to just look at this year that went by because it's almost coming to a close. 2 months. you know what i find myself being so busy but I must never forget who i am and who my values are and what i value and why i took up all these opportunities in the first place -- for growth, to develop myself, to step out of my comfort zone and become more of the person who i am bound to be, whoever that is. sometimes i really feel like im being sucked in the system. it's like i forget the reason why i decided to do this work in the first place. and it's so damn important to never lose that. never lose that meaning and that reason and that drive that pushed us to try this new thing out in the first place. so damn important. huhu i feel like im on my flow. i love it when these moments come. work starts to be on autodrive and my mind is clearer, and i feel more motivated to work and all. but yes, it's november 2 now. i started writing this november 1.  I feel like when i started this term, i had a grip on my life. i had so much free time. i had a routine set in motion, but then it felt at times like i was just doing certain things for that tick on my planner, which is one of the reasons i stopped using my green bulletjournal. and i was just setting myself up to do so many things -- listen to the news, meditate, write, yoga, and all that stuff and the reality is, as simple as these tasks may be, i just didn't have the time to do most of the stuff and i wanted to do it out of impulse and not out of force, although i do know that that force is what makes certain tasks habits but you get what i mean. so yeah ive completely gotten rid of that way of living. now, it's just me and a black empty canvas and i kind of just choose how i go about my day. the things i want to do more of are

--> Find more time to Read. god, it's been so hard to slip in a quick 30 minutes or even a goddamn chapter :( i get so anxious man gud. so even if i do find a little hole for me to do what i love doing so much, i get an anxious feeling in the back of my mind which is annoying as hell.

--> Indulge in creative projects. no, not write for the sake of my damn internship and shit but create projects that give me joy. i feel like its so important to find time to do these things because being creative is a sort of portal to your soul. it taps into your consciousness and what interests you, what aspects fascinate you and all that stuff. for me, i'd really love to create more personal videos about important moments in my life. i've only done one video about my birthday but it felt so damn great to be honest. the next one i would like to do would be a video about my unit because that unit i hold so close to my heart man. so many memories. so many moments. so many people whove spent a certain amount of time at one point of their lives. im really obsessed with memories. i love saving them. i love keeping them and organizing them so i can look through them from time to time. yup i guess im floating. that's the song im listening to now. it's awesome. it feels like im stuck in a particular moment. held within time. that kind of stuff. god writing feels so good. it gives me a fucking high. makes me tap into my consciousness and check in on how im feeling. okay anyways getting a bit off track.

--> spend more time appreciating things and being in the moment rather than on social media. cmon guys, it's practically the last 60 days of 2018 and im gonna spend it attached to my goddamn phone? nuh-uh. the time for living should be now. the time for being aware and savoring every little moments and creating memories and cherishing them and just taking moments to feel goddamn alive you know. make this year worth something.

but honestly, it's hard to really look back at this year and see the growth that has transcended over the course of the few months. it's hard to look back because im living in it right now and i don't know. right now, it doesn't really feel like much has changed. it doesn't really feel like ive grown. or ive changed or ive bloomed which was literally this year's motto dba. that's why my peg for the whole year was a sunflower, inspired by tylor the creator's album sunflowers or whatever it was called. i still feel the same. i have felt like im the same person for so long to be honest. it never really feels like ive changed, but i bet i have. i just fail to see it. but honestly in terms of headspace, i can honestly say that i feel like im in a better place. im more at peace with certain aspects of my thoughts. ofcourse, i don't think we can ever really be fully at peace with ourselves, but in some way i feel like ive mended certain parts. i'm not in so much pain anymore. when i started the year, i had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost three years. ofcourse i still think about him every now and then, how can you not honestly especially when you spend so much time with a person like that, and it does still pain me when he chats with me to ask something or when i see him because i get a little hope extinguished in me of us getting back together even though i know in the end, despite everything, that we're better off apart. we're better off not together. because it was getting so bad. there was no fire. there was nothing. i felt like i was just forcing myself at times to like him. i didnt even look forward to seeing him whenever i came back from Manila, and that's not a good sign at all. so yeah, i know the most annoying advice ever is when people say time heals. it's so frustrating because you can't really do anyhing but let time heal you and well, it's true. it sucks but its so true. in time, you will just hurt less. there will be a time when his name comes up and it doesn't hurt so much or your thoughts don't start jumping up into nostalgic memories of the both of you. strangers again. it sucks but its the reality, i guess. i knw we shouldn't be together. we weren't a good match no matter how much nstalgia tells you otherwise. but i really really really hope to become good friends with him atleast. not be so fucking scared whenever im about to see him. not feel like i have to drink a whole fucking liter of beer before i see him. because in all honestly, he was such a good friend. so caring and so kind and he always tried to make a positive situation out of something so negative. his optimism sometimes annoyed the shit out of me especially when we were together because it's not as easy to just say like oh don't think about it like that. life is so much more complicated than that. its' a lot more complex. hay i really miss talking to him. he was such a good person to just let everything out to. i miss that the most. but it's okay. i have this morning thoughts now dba? to let everything out and just dump my thoughts and whats been circulating nonstop in my mind. cge anyways, what else. i feel healed. i feel like my headspace is better. well--i also feel like ive gotten better with regards to my connections. i love how this year, ive added new people to my circle. my favorite part. i love how this year has opened me to meeting more people. it has also let me become closer to my existing relationships. made it stronger and that makes me so happy. probably the most important thing i learned this year was the importance of connections, and that no man is an island. no matter how introverted we may be, we can't survive without having connected with other people. i really just want to have more of those throughout my life--genuine connections. where i can be myself and they can be themselves. and where we actually enjoy each others companies. not lackluster, shallow relationships that never seem to go beyond a certain level you know. i want deep, loving, intimate connections. i wish to find a tribe of people where i feel supported and everything. my life goal. but yeah im happy ive opened myself up to meeting new people. probably the biggest development of this year is well the fact that i now have an internship-say what? and or a company ive been following for quite some time nonetheless, mad travel. this whole year i feel like ive been trying to get a job and now i finally have found the time to do so and it makes me happy :) atleast. i know i am capable of gainig jobs and putting myself out there. i feel more confident applying for my jobs and my resue is looking fine. and although my internship is actually sort of a source of stress and anxiety these days, i shouldnt take it so goddamn seriously because in 2-3 years i will just look back at these moments and it wont even matter. what mattered is i did my best. i shouldnt take my work so seriously gyud. that's why i hate turning down friends or turning down invitations for my fucking work because in the end we all fucking die. in the end whatever titles we may have at the moment wont even fucking matter you know. we all die in the end so just live unapologetically and bear yourself to the world. that's so damn difficult and i feel like we take life so damn seriously. we really need to loosen up and have fun and not overthink every single fucking thing. why are we all so damn anxious? it makes me so angry like goddamn get it together. we have lost the true essence and meaning of our lives. we have forgotten why we are here in the first place. to love. to feel. to experience. to learn and most of all, to enjoy. okay that's my ted talk. goodbye and sayonarra.

[totamilnadu]

Hmm hey, so ive been thinking about it today and I really don't want to tell you…..but that's not because i don't want to tell you, its because im scared to tell you....I dont want to lose you or put a burden on you... I want you to believe me and to take what happened seriously and as something that was bad….but i don't know if it was.... and i don't want to place those kind of hopes on you. So im not really sure what i should do. I really...want to tell you....when I remembered everything...I was like “I want to hug him and tell him what happened and be accepted” but......again I dont want to place that on you.... Cause if i don't tell you you will think its cause you can't help me and that's the opposite of the truth….and if i do tell you you’ll think its cause you forced me into it and that's not true either….anyway….im gonna post this and leave it under the cut….you can decide if you want to read it or not and that way...you did not force me into it, cause i didn't actually show it to you okay? I want you to know I gave this a lot of thought and im at peace with this. I feel good about it. Also….just in case you don't read it I want you to hear this part, so u know something u have been helping me with okay?

“the only people who have showed me what sex  are my mom and them….and….both were horrible experiences….i hated it...i feel disgusting….honestly….I want to just, sell myself cause thats all im good for at this point….atl that's what I thought…..but….you started to show me what its like to….feel….nice….I didn't want to ruin that…its really comfortable with you and....I forget about the bad things sometimes....thank you...I dont think u understand how grateful I am for that....”

so anyway.....read under the cut if you want to know what happened and.....I hope I can still be around you...if you do...I love you alot.....im sorry..

Anyway what happened…..so when I was born Davida fell in love with me, or so they say. But I didn't really know who they were till I was about 9, still they romanticized me for those nine years. By the time we did met and get to know each other I was well, 9. Anyway, they were my tutor and we grew close, they were safe and kind and selfless and I liked being around them. But but a little later they ended up saying to me “you know I don't think we are cousins (we are actually cousins) we are more like siblings.” and I didn't really know what to say. I liked just being cousins, especially cause that was what we actually were….but the way they said it sounded so hopeful and almost pleading I agreed and yeah started calling them my sibling. I think that was the first thing i did with them that I didn't want to do. 

Later they started having a lot of nightmares and Id come in and try and comfort them and ended up sleeping in the bed with them. And then the next night they asked me to do so again and….yeah, then after a bit when I asked to stop sleeping in the same bed as them and they cried a lot so….i said “nm” and kept sleeping in the same bed as them….another thing I didnt want to do.....

 a lot of “fights” happened and looking back, I realize its because they had made up a story about us being in a relationship even tho they had never had that conversation with me and, I was 9 and they were 18 (19?)....Anyway if I ever expressed not wanting to be physically close to them, they would cry and ask me what was wrong with them and tell me how much they loved me. I even remember once telling them that if they stopped touching me so much, id touch them more. By this just like you know hugs or resting a hand o them or a head or stuff like that.

 Anyway…..things kept getting worse and worse and i was so confused what was happening….they started telling me that they could see the future and that in the future we are married and have children and that we are a family. And that they had dreams and in the dreams i was there and that we fucked and stuff. They told me on dream were i fucked them with a dildo (btw i had no clue what a dildo was cause i was like NINE)  but when i didn't express happiness about this they cried and questioned me…

most nights we’d stay up till like 3am talking….(tho they were the only one talking), and crying. They spent hours upon hours crying about it. I remember once I fell asleep, like sitting up cause i was so exhausted and they woke me up and were really angry that I had fallen asleep. 

This was all…..really scary...I was reminded of my mom...and how we would fight for hours and she’d be screaming and crying and it was all my fault....it was like that.....I ended up just dissociating. I remember this on time they were crying and talking about how they had a dream, where I told them I didn't love them “that way” and after they told me, I didn't reassure them         ( cause i didn't love them that way and had never said I did) and they cried more and more and ended up telling me how “cold and Heartless” I was.

 Anyway….this sort of thing continued for a while and I ended up trying to combat it by telling them “I just want to be your sibling” but that only made things worse, cause then they would cry and say “but then everyone will think im fucking my sibling” to which….I was confused cause IM NINE and we didn't have any kind of sexual relationship….I think they had convinced them self that we were fucking and in a sexual relationship but….it was only in their head….anyway….it really got bad later I think I was 10 by this point? Which makes them like 19 or 20? And…..yeah I was lying on the bed and they climbed on me like...straddled me…..but leaned down so their lips were by my ear…..and like….told me how “sensitive” I was when being tickled, so I must be really sensitive turning sex. And that they would be really good at fucking me, and that they could force me to cum and make it feel really good, but that im so sensitive they would have to drug me first to keep me still enough. But that wasn't a problem cause if look good like that….or something like that and haha I was so scared I just laid there all still….

anyway…..later we went on a trip so it was just me and them and….I don't remember exactly what happened but….we were lying down next to each other and once again we (they) had been talking for so long and they had been crying and talking about me being their spouse and all and how we would get married and they love me so much and that I love them too (but i didn't not like that) and...anyway….I finally asked what they “wanted of me” and they told me to get on top of them….which like….i didn't know what was gonna happen….we like had tickle fights a lot so….I kind of assumed it was gonna be that, to lighten to mood and all and….anyway they grabbed me by the top of my pants and moved me up and down against them, without saying anything, it all happened so fast….I didn't know what was happening…..I was so scared madhu…..i couldnt speak….I couldn't do anything….I just was frozen, being pulled and pushed against them…..I felt like screaming but….my throat was so tight...I could even blink….I was terrified…..lol….it….felt….you know….it started to feel…..something and that managed to snap me out of being so scared and like a fucking loser I stuttered out “s-s-s-s-s-s-ssts-st-sto,-stop” and they did….and i don't remember how I moved but somehow I ended up by the river and...everything felt...numb...like I was dead….like the world hated me and cut me free of it….they were there too….they had followed me….and they asked if I cum…(I hadn't)....but I just started crying….anyway….

later I was hallucinating (daydreaming?) alot...there was this man in a tree, he was so beautiful, but he just looked at me and shook his head and walked away….I remember asking them later “did I kill her?” (i was still using she / her) and then breaking into tears again lmao. Anyway…..they kept wanting to talk to me and all but I really didn't feel safe around them anymore, like more so. And so I tried sitting in public to talk but they said they weren't comfortable doing so, cause someone might hear, and so I agreed to go back in private. And whatever I played it off as if nothing had happened….but really i was just trying to manipulate the situation so that id be safe, I knew it was pedophilia and that they could go to jail if I talked so I was scared they would do something to keep me quiet (they didn't) but the whole drive home I was just playing music and singing so that their mind would be occupied with that….

anyway we never talked about that and….their obsession with us dating continued till like….last year…. Just last year they said we should go one a double date and I had to remind them we aren't dating and they started to cry again….still to this day they talk about how good I look….and how sexy or hot I am….and...idk we have at this point had a conversation about how that kind of thing really scares me and really isn't good for me…..but they keep doing it…I know they regret what happened all of it, but they keep doing things….they keep touching me and saying stuff about me and….I just….feel disgusting….I don't want to be near them. 

Even in that video call with you, they were laying their head one me and all….I hate that…. I don't want them to do that….im so confused and so grossed out by myself and….i've told them not to touch me….but they still touch me….I mean...they are a pedo…..but they are also such a good person...and I do care about them….just….im so scared madhu….im so scared of them…

I don't know when they are going to cry and accuse me or touch me….I feel like its all my fault...that if only i could love them and fuck them their life would be better….but i can't do that...i can't be that person….I don't want to have sex with them..

and they cry about that….im so scared….sometimes when I talk to you about,,,that kind of thing….I hear them in my head...I feel like im becoming them….The only people who have showed me what sex is are my mom and them….and….both were horrible experiences….i hated it...i feel disgusting….honestly….I want to just, wanted to sell myself. its all im good for at this point….atl that's what I thought…..but….you started to show me what it's like to….feel….nice….I didn't want to ruin that….but I doubt you'll want to fuck me, let alone be around me….im so scared madu…..i feel so tiny and weak and pathetic….please...im sorry...i don't want to lose you...and...yeah....thats kind of it.....I love you regardless of what you do......and ill support you and help you no matter what....even if u dont want me anymore....okay? so dont worry....

[fumi-gogo]

.. out of my fucking mind again

26 Nov 17 I wrote this like a suicide note but I’m not going to kill myself, just trying to really get everything out of my system I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but I probably deserve to do one thing for myself. I hope after this, you will be able to live a little comfortably and have the types of holidays you’ve always wanted Joyce. I know Ive never been one to celebrate anything so I’m sorry Ive wasted your time for the past 4 years. I was really happy with you and I thought we would grow old together, Im sorry I didn’t see how much I was pushing you away and making you despise me. I was so hurt when you came home from tech school, when I was crying and I would look in your eye, they were so empty and I just saw frustration and disgust for me. Im sorry I have to inconvenience everyone again one more time but hopefully this will be the last time unless I fuck this up like everything else in my life. I hate the way I see myself in the mirror, Im so gross and I hate the way people talk to me as If I am a man. Its gross and I hate when people are seeking some weird validation from me about their masculine tendencies or habits. Being transgender has already destroyed my relationship with the person I’ve loved for a long time and I don’t know if I could survive it tearing another person I love away from me. Ive tried to be ok with the direction our relationship has gone but it hurts. It might have been so much easier to just keep everything to myself and just be happy with what life gave me. It hurts every day and theres nothing I can do to fix that and it sucks and I hate myself for the way I feel. Her laugh was always my favorite, ,the last time I remember making her laugh and happy was when I teased her about how she recited her phone number over the phone. That was the laugh I would think about when I would cry myself to sleep missing her. We never really had anything in common though, I don’t know why I was so in love. The way things ended made me realize what it felt like to really not be cared about, despite everything I was struggling with and trying to fix about myself. I started talking to Debs because she talked about a lot of things I had interests in and wanted to talk about that I’ve never been able to talk about before. She always had the best recommendations for books and movies and I enjoyed everything she ever recommended. We are both very broken people but I wish I could have been there for her more, she deserves better than she has to deal with now. I hope she is truly happy someday. If you can Joyce, please try to give some of my sgli to her, I want to be able to do something more for her. I wanted to be creative and I wanted to be an artist, I never put in the work or time I needed to though I just failed and I had to drop out of school to join the Air Force. It was exciting at the beginning, but then I hated myself more and more and I was always tired and I hated waking up to put on the same uniform every day. Then somehow we got this clown on a president who doesn’t really give two shits about anyone other than himself and I really just lost all motivation, what is the point of anything when someone who will run the country into the ground somehow gets voted into office. I feel like I’m a smart person and that I understand people and I get along with them very well. People gossip to me all the time and tell me things for reasons I don’t know, maybe somehow they know I won’t tell anyone else, maybe I just give off that friendly of a vibe. I get it though, I empathize with people very strongly, when I hear other people criticize something, I get confused how they can’t see it from another point of view. Im just rambling, Im afraid I will miss saying something important while I have the chance. Im going to miss a lot of people but I’ve had people enter and leave all my life and I don’t really have any long time friends anyways so whatever I guess. Im sorry that I pushed myself back into your life again debs just to leave so suddenly like this, I should have just kept to myself. I was forced to go to church almost all of my life but I can never really remember have any interest in it at all, but won’t it be interesting to see what the other side is actually like I don’t really see a future for me here, anywhere. I’ve always been bad with money, I’m impulsive with it, I just buy what I want and Joyce had gotten any about it with me but I besides the initial guilt I don’t really feel anything. If I stop now while I’m not in too big of a hole, I won’t be a burden to anyone else for much longer and I can still do some good for the people I love. I won’t be any use to anyone in the future when I’m completely dysfunctional. I wish I could have traveled, seen places outside of the US. Japan, Korea, London, Brazil, etc… 7 billion plus people in the world and I never got to see a fraction of it To my family also, I love you all, I really do. Im sorry I didnt talk to you more, I was always scared of what I might say and how you might respond, I have always hidden most of who I am and kept secrets just to fit in and to get the things that I thought would make me happy. Gender sucks and I don’t know anything about funerals but please at least they to keep It gender neutral and don’t invite too many people, I never talked to anyone so it feels like most people who would even show up would just feel in-genuine. Being referred to as a guy has made me feel uncomfortable for a long time so I always hoped no-one noticed when I said they/their whenever I was talking about myself in the third person. Referred to as a she would be nice too but whatever. Please take care of yourself Joyce and please just find happiness with someone who could provide you with what I couldn’t, you deserve the absolute best. Im really sorry Debs, I made you uncomfortable by getting too attached to you too fast, at first I was probably just trying to fill a void in my heart but after a few weeks, i would go through the day looking forward to talking to you about your ideas and your passions, I loved how you were chasing dreams and I wanted to be there for you to cheer you on. I know you deal with a lot of your own problems but it was more important to me to help you through those that dump all my bs onto you. I wish I could have done more for you, I hope you live a long and happy life and you get to fulfill your dreams and your goals. Your voice messages always made my heart race, your voice was so cool and attractive and your selfies in your button ups made you look so badass, you are amazing. Also, no-one looks better and more awesome in a leather jacket than you ------ Im not going to kill myself Im not that selfish. It is a very curious thing though. I wondered how writing a suicide note would make me feel and I feel ok I guess. Its not ok for me to be this selfish, I have always been selfish, doing things for myself and to get things for myself. Theres things I still forgot to write though. I never knew what it was like to be angry until I felt like I knew what it was like to be cheating on. If I try to think about everything from an outside perspective, I wasn’t the only one being selfish. I don’t think I deserve to be treated the way I was, We were married and we were partners, we owe each other more than a stupid text message to end our marriage. And to hide things like going on dates behind my back while I’m in this kind of depressive and anxious state. What the fuck. But it did make it clear to me how you felt and it made it easy to accept that you don’t give a good god damn about me despite what you try to tell me. Seeing the kind of guy you're with now made it clear what type of guy was your type, and it was very clear that me as a guy was not your type, what the fuck were we even doing together Suicide is a very scary thing and for some reason you’re not allowed to admit you’ve had thoughts about it or else you get locked up and whatever, all I did was cut myself before and I was in a mental ward for 3 days. I drank and take a ton of ambient to sleep the day away, I always feel better after venting and sleeping. 

  I guess this is how I start year 26… Im going to be the person I was always supposed to be and I am going to be happy someday, and hopefully I’ll be able to share my life with someone who will actually love me