#so it should go up sooner than... 1.5 months since the last one

[bad0mens]

(Trying this style of linking because the other one always seems to default to chapter 1)

[vgperson]

What Did I Do In 2022?

Game Translations That Aren't YTTD: 1. Okay, maybe 1.5.

----

First of all, while I didn't add it until later in the year (not entirely unmotivated by the Stability of Platforms), my site now has an RSS feed for notable updates of any kind! I mention this upfront because I'm mostly just going over the things that are already listed there. It currently retroactively covers everything back to 2020, but I might add more past stuff over time so it can better serve as a general "everything I've ever done" page.

In February, I translated Kenshi Yonezu's POP SONG (and an interview). Noel The Mortal Fate Seasons 1-7 also got a revamped version on consoles (Switch, PS4); the console versions include a new Season 3.5 translated entirely by me, and the rest of the seasons have a revised script which is more thoroughly edited by me than even the redone Steam translation was.

In March, the update adding Kai to Your Time To Shine came out. Yes, he is Kai.

In April, I finally finished up my unofficial Japanese translation patch for Petal Crash. たのしいね、クラッシュ！ It actually just got some extra attention after the Petal Crash run for RTA In Japan about two days ago, which is kind of wild. Is this what it's like to be famous...? (clueless)

In May, I translated Kenshi Yonezu's Shin Ultraman theme song M87 (interview, interview), and the coupling song from the single, ETA. And there was an article about the 10th anniversary of his debut!

Also in May, the Ib remake came out on Steam in English! Told you they'd contact me. It was later announced to be coming to Switch, scheduled for March 2023.

In August, Your Turn To Die was announced to be coming to Steam. It's planned for early 2023, but to be clear, it'll release first in Early Access still with no final part, though with some exclusive mini-episodes and character profile sheets. Apparently once that's out, the actual completion is estimated for 6 to 12 months later... but, you know. Estimates are hard.

In September, I put together a guide for and officially "released" my Custom Translation Engine plugin for RPG Maker MV, the one I made for the Ib remake, and back-implemented into Your Turn To Die shortly after I was contacted about it coming to Steam. It's fancy (in-game language switching!), convenient (minimal direct editing of code!), and you can use it for your own translation projects if you want!

In October... well, I didn't do anything new for it, but I'll take credit for The Witch's House MV coming to consoles. (Switch, PS4, Xbox) I also translated everyone's favorite Chainsaw Man opening KICK BACK, associated interviews, and the single's coupling song Y'all Should Be Ashamed.

Finally, in December, after lots of spending my time elsewhere and indecision about how I should go about returning to doing some dang free game translations, I concluded that what I'd really wanted to do all year was translate Uri's PEDESTAL.

I think some people latched onto specific parts of Uri's original explanation for why it wasn't being translated, such as the cultural aspects (I honestly winced at her blunt remark that the story was "no good at all"), but while Uri indeed had those doubts at the time of release, the only real reason it wasn't translated at the time is that I did a less-than-ideal rushed playthrough that slightly hurt my overall impression of its quality, and I felt too busy at the time to work on something with lots of text that was likely to be divisive. So similarly, me finally feeling up to it was the reason it did get translated. I probably should've come back to it quite a bit sooner (after I was made to give up a certain other translation, say), but as I alluded to in last year's post, I was self-conscious about "my big return to free game translations" being something that might not have wide appeal. Uh, glad to be past that, hopefully.

Oh, and ever since finishing PEDESTAL, I've been working on all sorts of overhauls to my site, but like... not the kind that actually majorly changes any part of the visible design and annoys people (and if something did change in an annoying way, it's probably accidental). Some of it's just better consideration of mobile browsing (stuff like images or tables sticking out of bounds at mobile resolutions), or making things more convenient for myself behind the scenes (did you know I made a program to add "br"s to every line of all lyrics content before considering I could just have the page code do that, and also better?).

Some more major observable changes include general renovations to the lyrics page (bigger font size, buttons that hide individual languages to aid in side-by-side comparison), and more convenient navigation of OSTER's tweets, such that I could actually imagine someone reading through them all the way from the start without it being too much of a hassle.

----

While I'm glad to be over the PEDESTAL hump, I don't... necessarily have any definite plans for upcoming free game translations. I mostly just have some stuff on a list that I may have to make myself check out soon enough. Also, Game Atsumaru (which you may know as The Site That Hosts YTTD's Japanese Version) is ending in June??? So uh, might have to accelerate checking out stuff on there, though I guess it depends on how many creators are able to migrate. (Nankidai does plan to put YTTD's Japanese browser version up somewhere else.)

As I mentioned, Your Turn To Die's Early Access release on Steam should be coming up early next year with those mini-episodes and character profiles, and the game might be completed within the year. No promises. I mean, I don't have anything to promise, it's not my game.

Speaking of my game... also no promises. But I'd really like to release one. We'll see what happens. There's also a different kind of original project I recently returned to trying to make real, which could come early in the year, but who knows. As should be apparent, I'm working on a lot of different fronts here, so I frequently feel bad about neglecting such-and-such type of creative work, which sometimes means nothing actually gets done and released. Ultimately, though, it's probably better to follow what I most feel like doing, rather than force focus on one thing and end up not actually getting much done.

Which is to say: hoping to finish something in the new year!

[fulane-de-tal]

I'm not the anon you replied to, and can't tell when the original ask was sent, but I'm also thinking about starting T but not in a binary trans man way and would love to hear more about your experiences!

absolutely!!

disclaimer: i haven’t been on T for very long so i can’t give you information i don’t have experience on but i’ll tell ya what i know!

disclaimer #2: this is going to be a very long post. sorry

if you have specific questions please please please DM me or send asks and i’ll answer them :)

-

the good the bad and the ugly:

one of the first things I noticed on T was the way if affected my menstrual cycle. (i’m just going to use those words for it because i can’t think of any better). i have really fucky hormones already, and a super inconsistent period, and after about a month and a half of T i got a period that lasted about 3 weeks. That freaked me out enough that I went off T for like a month, before realizing that i really needed T and got back on. I haven’t had a period since December, though, so we’ll see how that goes later.

thing #2 that I noticed: bottom growth. this and my voice change started at around the same time, so it was a really interesting few weeks while those two were starting out. you will feel it. all the time. like. all the time.

thing 2.5: the voice. this has been such a wonder for me. the first few weeks of voice dropping came sooner than i expected (around 2ish months in) although I had been noticing tiny minuscule changes since around month 1.5. the first real drop for me came February, or month 3, after my month-long pause. in about two weeks, my voice dropped a noticeable amount. it started cracking and my throat started hurting like a motherfucker. my voice has also dropped a bit these past few weeks, so ~ month 6, and people have started commenting on how different my voice is. it’s really great for me- my voice has finally started matching what i thought my voice should sound like.

thing 3: HORNY. i’m so fucking horny. im horny every hour of the day night and in between. i spent a whole day just jacking off and sleeping. you grow a second brain and it’s located in your pants. anything will get you horny.

thing 4: facial hair. hallelujah. i have a mustache now, enough for gas station attendants to call me “young man” and for some guy to ask me if i’m old enough to drive. i’m getting weird little scraggly beard hairs, the stuff about asscrack hair is true, and im getting hair on my stomach and toes????? it’s wonderful. it’s what i’ve waited my whole life for. still waiting for the chest hair, though.

5: fat redistribution. idk what to say about this just that everything is achy and my pants fit different and i know full well i haven’t been changing anything else about my life

6: here’s the sucker punch. sweat. i’m so fucking sweaty and horny all the time. i drove my truck for 15 minutes with the windows down yesterday and sweated through my undershirt. if you don’t have undershirts, get some once you start T. i used to wear the same undershirt for two days in a row (i know it’s gross shut up) and now i can barely wear one for a whole day. get good deodorant. old spice body spray is your friend. sorry

thing 7: emotions. i have a hard time crying now, but i can’t tell if that’s hormones or dehydration. i have your average pubescent mood swings on steroids. my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low.

things 8-? : social perception

i am a fat butch dyke. i have short hair, a resting mean face, and very brusque hands. i’m very affectionate with people i trust in a way that gets me often labeled (by outsiders) as pushy or desperate. i’ve never been feminine but i’ve put on an affectation of femininity to make myself less threatening. with testosterone that went out the fucking window. people see me the way middle aged church mothers see pitbulls. i got called violent for tossing a shirt into a car with “too much aggression.” people are starting to interact with me the way they would interact with a man. it’s rough, and it’s lonely. but it’s worth it, to me.

i’m having to be more aware of myself in order to not get read as a creep. stuff i would have done when i passed as a girl has become, in a very short time, stuff i absolutely cannot do now that i pass as a weird deformed man. the affectation of femininity has returned in full force, although i’m trying to get rid of it and just talk.

i miss my singing voice.

i have a new singing voice that i love. i’m still surprised when i listen to recordings of myself and they’re not how i expected them.

i’ve found a lot of solace in captain america fanfiction.

i am so dazzlingly happy with my stupid scraggly mustache. i like looking at myself. for a good few weeks i couldn’t stop talking just to hear myself talk.

i need to drink gallons of water now.

people have started defaulting to “he” for me. a stranger let me pet his dog and asked me if i was a “feminus man,” to which i said absolutely.

i’ve become so comfortable in being myself. i can’t wait until i figure out what to do about my tits. i’m slowly getting the upper range of my singing back. i’m having to restrain myself from using vocal fry every three seconds. i go to a barbershop and feel completely out of place, but get a nice haircut. i don’t think i’ve developed the cis man brand of self consciousness yet, and i hope i never do. someone recognized me from high school and i’m glad i’m still the same.

testosterone has made me so connected to the person i thought i was going to grow into as a kid.

on a topic i never got to hear from anyone about:

injecting testosterone.

i chose intramuscular injection for my first T prescription. i went in with almost zero guidance aside from my friend (who offered to do it for me) and my adoptive dad (who told me to close my eyes and jab). i nearly cried the first time.

i kept doing intramuscular until my break, and at that point called the doctor and told her i could not keep doing that. she told me to inject subcutaneous until next appointment. i did. it was a wonder. i now have the specific needles for subcutaneous injection, and am so used to doing it i can even play music during the injection. i used to have to do it in total silence, with the door slightly ajar, and the pamphlet they gave me open in front of me, in case anything went wrong. now it’s easy. i still tell my cis man friends i’m more man than they are for being able to do it.

here’s how i do it, because no one told me how to:

check your T. it should be clear or pale yellow. there should not be granules, chunks, or cloudiness. if there are, call the pharmacy. don’t inject it. if it’s clear and chunk-free, you’re good.

fill the syringe with your dose of hormone. use a thick needle. get the air bubbles out. pull the plunger way down, switch needles, and push the plunger slowly back up to get the air out. you’ll figure it out.

to uncap a needle, you might need a little more force than you expect. i still haven’t figured out how to do this easily.

i inject into my stomach, always, so: i rotate injection sites every week. don’t inject above your navel, and it’s best to inject at least an inch away from it. if you pinch the area you want to inject in you should feel the difference in how pain is experienced. pick a spot where you almost don’t feel it when you pinch yourself. hold the syringe with your thumb on the plunger and your first two fingers on the finger rests. hold it at a 45 degree angle with the needle tip’s open end facing up, so the needle slides in easier. take a deep breath and push the needle in.

it’s easier to go faster just to get the tip in, and after that you can go as gentle and slow as you like.

if you’re like me and your stomach is covered in stretch marks, that’s ok. stretch marks don’t go deep. it might hurt a little to get the needle in, but you will be okay. i promise. you’ll feel the needle hit the fat and slide right in and then you’ll be okay.

some people say to pull up a little to check for blood but i don’t do that and it’s fine. my med student friend said you won’t get internal bleeding or other severe damage from not doing that, and if you do, the big ugly bruise will let you know real quick.

take a deep breath and push the plunger down. if your hand shakes that’s okay and if the needle moves a little that’s okay. just don’t pull the needle out mid-injection.

if you have to test a few spots to see where you want to inject, that’s ok too.

some days will hurt more than others.

it’s okay to have to use more than one needle if you chicken out of the first jab. you usually don’t need a new syringe for this.

don’t pierce the skin with the same needle twice. for sanitary reasons and also because a blunt needle hurts like a motherfucker.

pull the needle out gently and press your finger to the injection site. slap on a bandaid. get the stretchy real bandaid branded bandaids. they’re good.

give yourself a treat! youve probably been a little tense for this. relax.

the injection site might get a little red and a little itchy. it might hurt when you put briefs on. it might hurt when you move or touch it. there might be a tiny little bump where you injected. that’s fine. you will be ok. call a friend if you need.

i hope this all helped! if you want more deets or have questions please let me know :0)

-naf

[multifandomrandomgirl]

I Thought You Were Dead pt2 - Lupin!reader x Sirius Black

--- 1.5 months have passed since the last chapter ----------

"Lola, are you okay?" Remus holds my hair back as I throw up yet again, I was pretty fed up of this now. "I guess. I've had enough of being sick though." I stand up and brush my teeth.

"Lola, can I speak to you?" Tonks asks nervously. "Sure." I follow her out of the bathroom and into the room that she had been staying in lately while she was at Grimmauld Place for a bit longer. "Can you use this?" She hands me a pregnancy test. My eyes widen.

"Do you think?" I ask. Tonks shrugs.  I go into the en-suite in her room. "How long will this take?" I sigh, placing it down on the floor in front of us. "A few minutes." She says.

"Urgh." I roll my eyes.

After we sit around and chat for a few minutes, we glance over at the test laying on the floor. "I think it should be ready." Nymphadora stands up, walking over to it. "Do you want to look or do you want me to tell you what the result is?"

"Can you tell me please?" I whisper. "You're pregnant!" The girl runs over, dropping the test and hugging me. "Oh, Merlin's beard. I'm going to have a baby!" I squeal quietly. "Do you know who the father is?" She asks.

"It's got to be Sirius, we did it like nearly two  months ago." I murmur. "Oh my god!"

"How do you think him and Remus will take it?" I ask, shaking from excitement and nervousness. "I don't know, but if you like, you can leave it until the three month period, when it's definite that the baby is safe." Tonks puts her hand on my shoulder in comfort. "Thank you, Dora." I say after we hide the test somewhere safe, where no one will find it. "No problem Lola."

------ One and a half months later ------------

"Sirius, can I speak to you, please?" I ask, shifting the weight between both my feet constantly. "Sure, what's up?" He wraps his arm around me. "Can we go to your room to talk about it, please?" I glance up at him, trying to make eye contact with him.

"Lola, what's wrong?" Sirius asks, raising an eyebrow. "So, you know how we fucked about three months ago?" I say. "Very subtle, well done. But yes, I do." Sirius smirks.

"Well, I may or may not be pregnant with your child." I mumble. "Sorry?" Sirius looks at me. "Can you repeat that, I don't know if I heard correctly."

"I'm pregnant with your baby." I say slightly louder than the last time. "Really?" His eyes widen in shock. I nod, keeping eye contact with him the entire time.  Sirius stands up and runs over to me, picking me up and hugging me.

"I'm going to be a dad." He murmurs into my neck. "I've wanted to be a dad since I was a teenager." His happiness fades. "What if I'm like my dad?"

"You won't be. You'll be the best father ever, don't worry." I kiss his forehead. "I hope so."

We sit in silence for a while before he speaks. "As we're having a baby, this seems right, but would you like to be my girlfriend?"

"I would love to Padfoot." I look at him, he smiles down at me, pulling me into his side. "Thank you." Sirius places his hand on my stomach.

"Does anyone else know?" Sirius asks. "Only Tonks, she was the one who made me take the test." I say. "So, we need to tell your brother?" Sirius looks scared, I nod. "Merlin's beard, how re we supposed to do that? Remus will go berserk!" Sirius shakes nervously. "I know." I rub circles on Sirius' back.

"He'll go  mad, we have to tell him that we're together AND that we're having a baby." Sirius murmurs. "We should tell him sooner rather than later though. Otherwise, it'll be worse." I say, wrapping my arm around him, pulling him closer to me. "Let's go do it then, get my murder over and done with." Sirius wriggles free from my grasp and pulls me to my feet.

The walk downstairs consisted of Sirius trying to change his mind every five seconds and me reassuring him that it'd be okay, hopefully. Not the best reassurance I guess, but hey, I tried.

"Remus." I call, he looks up from whatever him, Molly and Arthur were all looking at on the table. "Yes?" He studies both Sirius and I's faces. "What is it?"

"Can we speak to you somewhere alone, please?" Sirius puts on his best puppy dog eyes, Remus rolls his eyes jokingly at my boyfriend and stands up. "Of course, up to my room?" Remus puts his hand on Tonks' shoulder and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Let's go." I practically drag both of the boys up to Remus' room. She's enthusiastic. Remus chuckles, closing the door behind us all. "What do you need to speak about?" He sits on his bed. "Uh, two things, actually, also, please don't kill me." Sirius mumbles the last couple of words.

"It can't be that bad, it'd have to be something awful for me to kill you Padfoot." Remus smiles, but looks somewhat nervous.

"Well, um, Lola and I are um, going out with one another." Sirius puts his arm around my shoulder. "Really! That's great guys! I'm really happy for you, you both deserve each other!" My brother smiles. "See, I said it probably wasn't bad enough for me to murder you." Remus turns to Sirius and gives him the signature Remus smile.

"Um, that's not the main thing though." Sirius glances at me. Remus puts his hand on Sirius' shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. "Lola, you tell him." My boyfriend sighs. "Okay."

"Um, Remus. Sirius and I, we're, we're having a baby." I whisper. "Pardon?"

"I'm pregnant with Sirius' child." I say, Remus looks up at me, a weird expression crossed his face before he stood up and swiftly exited the room. I glance at the floor, rubbing my eyes vigorously with the sleeves of my clothes. "Lola?" Sirius says softly.

"I'm sorry Padfoot." I break down, I tuck my head into his neck, he holds me and we both let the tears run freely. "Lola, Remus said you-" Tonks and Charlie are stood at the door to the room. "Bad time?" Charlie asks.

"Did you tell Remus?" Tonks asks, walking into the room, Charlie tries to pull her back. "Yeah." I sigh, Sirius wipes the remaining tears off of my cheeks. "He'll come around, don't worry." Charlie shuffles awkwardly to come closer to us all. "I hope so." I murmur.

"Dor, we should probably leave these two to have some peace." Charlie whispers. The pair leave the room. "Shall we go to my room?" Sirius asks, I nod. He picks me up and carries me across the hallway.

Sirius drops me on his bed before flopping down next to me and grabbing his wand, putting a silencing charm on the door as well as a locking charm. "I'm so sorry." I cry into his shoulder. "Why?" Sirius' face softens, he places his hand on the side of my face.

"Remus-" I start. "That wasn't your fault. That was his reaction, you can't control his reactions." My boyfriend interrupts me. I smile gratefully at him and tuck my head into his neck. "You're the best." I mumble."I know I am." Sirius giggles, I roll my eyes playfully at him.

There was a knock on the door, I glance up at it before turning my eyes back to Sirius. "I'll have a look who it is." He whispers, ruffling my hair slightly, getting up to investigate what the knock on the door was. Remus stood there looking guilty, his eyes were focused on his feet.

"Rem?" I whisper, his head snaps up. "Lola, Sirius. I-" My brother starts. "Come here." I interrupt him, beckoning him to come and sit with Sirius and I on his bed. I put an arm around my older brother, pulling him into a hug much to his struggling.

"What's up?" I question, letting go of him. "I don't think you should want to hug me." Remus sighs, I frown as does Sirius. "Why not?"

"I stormed out and acted like a toddler who'd thrown his toys on the floor." He explains, looking at his feet, trying his hardest to avoid eye contact with either of us. "Rem-" I start, he puts his finger up. "I just want to say, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have had a temper tantrum. I'm genuinely happy that you two are having a kid together, I was just scared that something else would happen to you." Remus touches my arm, retracting his hand almost immediately.

"I just don't want to lose you again, Lola." My brother sighs. "You won't, don't worry." I give him a weak smile, trying to go for a hug again. He accepts the hug this time and pulls me closer to him, rubbing circles on my back. "I love you." Remus presses his lips to my forehead.

"Can we go and tell everyone that there's gonna be a baby Padfoot?" Sirius jumps up excitedly, I shake my head, laughing at him. "Of course we can!" I smile, Remus grins. "Bet everyone will be really excited!" Remus says in an encouraging tone.

[cno-inbminor]

adsentio

a/n: for some reason, i got the idea of prince!akaashi stuck in my head. mildly inspired by the swan princess. 

wc: ~2.1k 

genre: arranged marriage!au, royalty!au, emerging feelings. fluff mainly? idek, it’s word vomit

royalty!au: adsentio (pt. 1) | bonus letters (pt. 1.5) | the masque (pt. 2)

-

Prince Akaashi likes to believe he’s a smart cookie, even if he’s only seven. Then again, his parents aren’t exactly the most subtle people on the planet, and he believes it’s quite obvious as to what they’re planning. In fact, not only is he aware, but the whole castle is as well. Hell, even 90% of the citizens in the kingdom are fully aware of what’s to be expected. He strongly dislikes it, and he wishes it didn’t loom over him every summer.

Ever since the summer of the year he turned five, Princess (y/n) of the West Kingdom would show up for two months to make his life miserable. To be fair, it wasn’t exactly your fault, as you were very much forced into this arrangement as he was, but it was easier to blame you. He’d rather just play fight with Bokuto all summer rather than try to include a girl. It’s not because you’re capable of kicking his butt.

That is absolutely not the case here.

His mother, the queen, is scrambling to get all the preparations done in time for (y/n)’s arrival. Akaashi almost rolls his eyes when he spots her rearranging a bouquet of roses in the dining hall. Unfortunately, she spots him from the corner of her eye and beckons him over with a frantic hand. Never one to deny a parent, he quickly jogs over to her.

“Oh darling, would you be a doll and check in on your father? He needs to be dressed properly for the West Kingdom’s arrival. Tell him to wear that cyan blue shirt of his, it’s much more flattering.”

“Do we need to be so overboard like this again? They’ve already been here twice, it’s not like they don’t know us.”

“For reasons you don’t know, they’re extra special to us. Aren’t you excited to see (y/n) again? You two got along so well last summer!”

Akaashi wrinkles his nose in distaste. “It feels like I just saw her yesterday. Bokuto and I just wanna play by ourselves.”

“Nonsense, dear. Now go check on your father, please,” His mother implores before scurrying off to another bouquet of flowers.

It’s so obvious, he thinks to himself as he jogs towards his parents’ chambers. Did they really need this alliance with the West Kingdom? Would they be that much more powerful together? “In due time, you’ll understand,” his parents always said. Akaashi was starting to become tired of hearing those words.

Why is it so hard to just tell him now as to why they want him to marry Princess (y/n)?

-

“You know why I’m here, right?” (Y/n) asks him one evening. They’re sixteen now – Akaashi counts that this is your twelfth time at the castle. You call the castle your second home, as he once heard you tell your assigned handmaiden, the same lady who attends to you every summer. Somehow, the statement strikes a chord within him – his initial childish annoyance at your presence had long disappeared and been replaced with something akin to defeat. There was very little chance that they could run from this, but in the late nights, Akaashi found himself believing that if there were someone to be betrothed to, (y/n) wasn’t so bad.

“What do you mean?” He replies, slowly turning a page in his book. You both found that one way to quickly pass the time was to raid the royal library. At first, it was custom to read your respective books at opposite ends of the castle. Yet as time passed, you found yourselves meeting closer and closer towards the middle. If desired, the servants could find you two either together in the library, in an empty ballroom by the massive windows, or on the balcony in the summer sun. Most times, Bokuto, Akaashi’s most loyal friend, was with you as well. Reading wasn’t necessarily one of his top hobbies, but he’d rather be with friends than alone wondering around the castle.

This time, the two of you have taken refuge by a fireplace, a terrible thunderstorm casting a chill over the building. Bokuto is conveniently off doing his own thing.

“The reason why I’m here every summer.”

Akaashi casts his best exasperated look towards you, but it goes unnoticed as you refuse to look away from your book. “I’ve known since I was six.”

You sigh and gently shut your novel closed, one finger stuck between the pages to keep your place. With the grace of an angel (Akaashi thinks), you pick yourself up from the lounge chair and drift over to the couch he’s sitting on. Because he’s sitting upright towards the end closest to the fire, there’s more than enough space for you to sit and stretch your legs across the cushions. In fact, you do just that, settling for leaning your back against Akaashi’s strong side profile, his arm supporting most of your weight. Without meaning to, Akaashi finds himself adjusting his sitting position for your comfort. He feels your body tremble slightly and a small wave of concern washes over him.

“Should I ask one of the servants to bring a blanket for you?”

“That won’t be necessary. But thank you for your concern, your highness.”

“You don’t have to address me as so.”

“My apologies, it’s a force of habit.”

“Hmm.”

Akaashi has long given up on reading the words before him. Your question repeats in his head like a broken record.

“Doesn’t it frustrate you?” You whisper, interrupting his thoughts. “Doesn’t it anger you that since my birth, you’ve been forced into a game that you have no choice but to play?”

Akaashi hesitates. This topic has never been broached before, and he’s not sure how to address it.

“I’ll admit it was more frustrating in the beginning. Nobody enjoys being told what to do, especially when you’re little. But I learned to just accept it. In fact, to call it a game would assume that there is a losing side. From what I’ve studied, both of our kingdoms would benefit from this merger. What’s the loss?”

“Our freedom and choice,” you bite out, yet refusing to look at him. You’ve also given up on reading, yet you don’t want to arouse suspicion that this conversation is happening. If a servant were to hear, rumors would fly around the castle like a plague. “I think it’s only human that I want to experience love the way ordinary people do. We don’t even get a say.”

“What about both of our parents? They were arranged yet they love each other.”

“Simple, they got lucky.”

“Then would you rather run away and find another man to fall in love with?”

“More than that, I just want to experience life beyond the castle walls. My position is different from yours.”

“How so?”

You purse your lips, pausing. “Your Highness, what do you think would happen to you if I were to disappear, or god forbid, die?”

Akaashi’s eyes widen in bewilderment. “Why would you ask that?”

“You just need to answer my question.”

“Well,” he ponders. “I…believe I’d be somewhat sad. We would mourn the loss, surely.”

For the first time this summer, he hears a genuine chuckle from you. “I’m honored by your sentiment, your highness. I’m asking more of what you think would politically happen to you.”

Akaashi’s cheeks flush with embarrassment. “I guess…politically I’d be okay. Mother would be devastated, but I guess they’d find me another match. The merger with your kingdom would’ve been our strongest move, but it could still happen since we’re already on such good speaking terms. Supposedly there are other princesses waiting for a chance, and a merger could result from that as well.”

“What a humble braggart you are, your highness,” you tease.

“That’s not what I meant—”

“I know. But in all seriousness,” you switch to a more solemn tone. “The point is, you’d be okay. As you so nicely put it, you have women lining up to be with you.”

“Aren’t men lining up to be with you as well?”

“It’s not the same, Your Highness. As a princess, I’m brought up to constantly prove my worth to others. More importantly, I’m raised to prove my worth as a wife and a queen. We’re left to care for the children we must bear, we must keep our noses a reasonable distance away from kingdom business. If this engagement were to break, many outsiders would automatically assume that I was deemed unworthy of you, that I must’ve wrapped myself in some horrible scandal.”

Akaashi hums and stares into the fire. “I suppose that it’s rather unfortunate. I wish I had realized that sooner.”

“Your self-awareness speaks volumes. I usually wouldn’t admit this to you, but I know you’ll be a great king when it’s your time. Your people already love you, and they will only continue to love you more.”

“That’s very kind of you, Princess.”

“I only speak honestly. There’s no need to sugarcoat my words around you.”

Somehow, Akaashi finds that very comforting. Perhaps as someone in his position, he would consider honesty and wisdom to be valuable. Just because he’s destined to be king someday, doesn’t mean he would always make the right decisions. He would appreciate having you by his side in his decision-making.

“If this happens,” Akaashi finds himself speaking, also not one for beating around the bush. “I can promise now that I’ll try to change that. Even if we end up never loving each other, I’ll do my best to ensure that you never feel confined to such a role. As my w-wife,” he stumbles over the word. “I would want your input. You have a good head on you, and I’m sure you have valuable wisdom that I will need in due time.”

“Somehow, that’s the most romantic thing a man has ever said to me,” you say. He can hear the smile in your voice, his own small one forming on his face. When you move off the couch, his body immediately misses the warmth of your body pressed against his. After you’re done dusting yourself off, you begin to curtsy. He knows that this means you’re retiring for the night, but he’d rather you not leave right now.

“Wait,” he calls out, reaching for the hand not holding your book. You stay silent as Akaashi delicately holds your hand, then breaking out into a slight blush when he lays a soft kiss on the back of your hand, eyes never breaking contact with yours. He’s never been more princely to you than this moment – though his mother had made him do this on every first day you arrive at the castle, it never held so much meaning. This was of his own doing, his own volition, and that spoke volumes to you. He was trying to make this work in his own special way.

You don’t miss the way his thumb ghosts over your knuckles before releasing your hand, although the movement seems hesitant and troubled. “Good night, Princess,” he bids quietly, eyes looking back at the ignored book in his lap. Your heart beats with adrenaline, the chemical fueling you to step closer to him and bend down to place a kiss on his cheek. Akaashi does his best to not look surprised, but he knows that he has failed when he hears the sound of your gentle laugh.

“Good night, Keiji.”

The prince concludes right then and there that he has never heard anything more beautiful.

-

When you return to your chambers the next night, it’s hard to miss the most beautiful glass vase you’ve seen that’s sitting on your dresser. Inside stands a half-bloomed peony, a flower you recognize from the castle gardens. The petals have a tender shade of a light blush pink – if the flower-arranging lessons taught you anything, they stood for romance, compassion, and bashfulness. A neatly folded cardstock with your name stands demurely by the vase. The handwriting is strikingly familiar, and you can’t help but smile at the words neatly written inside.

To my future queen.

As you bring the flower to your nose and inhale the sweet scent, you begin to think that perhaps, you and Akaashi might just be lucky enough for love.

 -

feel free to send requests for this au! 

[apparently-artless]

Call Me Eijun-Senpai! [A DnA Fanfic]

Summary: Sawamura couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, Okumura hates his very existence but he’s just being considerate enough not to say it straight to his face. Seto, Okumura’s best friend, thinks otherwise.

Relationships: Okumura Koushuu & Sawamura Eijun || Okumura Koushuu & Seto Takuma || Sawamura Eijun & First Year Seidou Members

Additional Tags: Slice of Life || Kuramochi is a Doting Brother || Okumura is Emotionally Constipated || Sawamura Eijun Learned a Thing or Two from Miyuki || Fluff & Humor || Attempt at Humor || Sawamura Eijun is the Ace || This is not Romance BTW

It was the day their last practice game had ended. As usual, Sawamura was off to the cafeteria to watch the recorded video so he can check his form again. With the summer tournament coming up, he needed to make the Numbers near to perfection.

Upon arriving at the cafeteria, Okumura was already sitting in front of the television, a scorebook on his left hand and the remote control on his right. Also, there was a vacant chair right next to him.

“Geh! You bit me to it again, Okumura-shounen!” Sawamura bellowed upon seeing the 1st-year catcher.

Okumura did not respond but just glanced at the southpaw pitcher.

“Well, why don’t we watch it together, then? I have a lot of things to say regarding your play in that last game,” the catcher stated with his typical vacant expression.

“We-Well, I don’t really mind watching it with you.”

“Please take a seat. I’ll be playing the video now.” Okumura motioned Sawamura to sit right next to him.

The whole game was one-and-a-half-hour long which means it took Okumura to make some comments about the southpaw pitcher’s performance for 1.5 hours. As usual, Okumura was very willing to give the pitcher compliments when needed and scold him unreluctantly on pitches he thought might not be good. Also, let’s not forget the part where the younger would seamlessly remind the older to be calm and quiet on the mound.

It was almost dinner time when they finished reviewing the game. Halfway while watching the video, Watanabe had already joined them and would add some comments as well to Sawamura’s performance. When they noticed a lot more of the members were now entering the cafeteria, they decided to call it for now as they turned off the television and fixed the chairs.

Okumura gently placed the scorebook that he borrowed from Umemoto on one of the tables to help his senpais from arranging the chair. As they were still conversing while dragging the chairs, one of the members placed an open bottle near the scorebook. Sawamura, who’s busy scratching his head while having an idiotic smile upon hearing praises from Watanabe, accidentally pushed the chair too hard right next to the table, making the opened water bottle tumble and spill right on the scorebook.

Upon seeing the mess he had made, Sawamura hurried to the kitchen to ask some of the staff some clean rags. Only when he returned did he notice that the scorebook was already drenched with the water that spilled from the bottle.

“Wah! I’m so sorry Okumura-shounen! I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Sawamura was obviously panicking while gently cleaning the table together with the scorebook.

“It’s okay, Sawamura-senpai. Thankfully, it’s just water so I can just rewrite the scorebook again,” the catcher responded as he tried to retrieve the scorebook from Sawamura’s hands.

“No! It’s my fault that this happened to begin with. I should be the one to do it!” Sawamura retorted as his nostrils flared.

“Reading a scorebook and writing one are two different things, Sawamura-senpai,” Okumura said inattentively. “Have you ever tried writing on a scorebook before?”

“Well, I…” Sawamura hesitated in responding. “No, not really.”

Okumura just sighed. Honestly, he wasn’t really angry. It was an accident and he can’t seem to find the right words to make the southpaw pitcher understand that he was not the least bit bothered about rewriting one scorebook. Aside from that, he only felt that it was right to take responsibility as he’s the one who borrowed the scorebook.

Watanabe, who noticed the awkward silence between the two, decided to intervene so as not to make matters worse.

“Don’t worry, Sawamura-kun. Okumura’s pretty much used to writing in a scorebook. It will be done in no time if it’s just rewriting the pages,” he said as he tapped Sawamura’s shoulder. “Okumura, we still have an hour before dinner, I’ll go and get a new scorebook so you can rewrite it before we eat. In that way, you can still read the scorebook properly before the ink fades.”

Okumura just nodded.

“Then, I’ll be accompanying you so I can go straight to my room afterward,” Okumura responded.

The two walked out of the room while Sawamura was left in the cafeteria, still bothered about the incident. To clear his head, he decided to do some batting practice first before eating dinner.

Sawamura gloomily walked his way to Field A with his bat in his left hand. His thoughts were put to a halt when he heard Asada’s voice calling out to him. Rather than joining Kominato and Kuramochi with their batting practice, he decided to join the first years instead.

“You did so well on the last practice game, Sawamura-senpai!” Asada initiated the talk as soon as Sawamura reached them, Kuki and Seto were with him.

“Oh, thank you, Asada!” he beamed at his kouhai.

“Where’s Koushuu? I thought you were watching the video together?” Seto asked while swinging his bat in the air.

Sawamura went stiff upon hearing the catcher’s name.

Did they fight again? Seriously, these two.

It was all Seto, Asada, and Kuki could think upon seeing the pitcher’s reaction.

“Did something happen with Koushuu?” Seto decided to ask. If they did actually fight, the sooner he can help in fixing it, the better.

Sawamura flinched even more as he heard Seto’s question. His hands fidgeted visibly as he averted his gaze on the 1st-years while he pouted his lips.

“I think he’s angry at me right now,” Sawamura whispered and the three freshmen couldn’t help but huddle towards him.

Unsure of what they heard, Seto couldn’t help but ask again.

“Sawamura-senpai, can you please say that again?” he asked, silently praying that what he heard was wrong.

“Wah! I bet he’s really angry at me! It’s my fault, to begin with! What should I do, Seto? Okumura-shounen is angry at me again! What do I have to do now??” Sawamura was clearly agitated, he kept on pulling on his hair with both his hands as he dropped the bat that he was initially holding.

“Calm down, Sawamura-senpai!” Asada exclaimed.

“First, please tell us what happened,” Seto added awkwardly.

Sawamura stopped for a while as he tried to remember what happened a while ago, sweat dropping.

“I accidentally spilled some water on the scorebook that Okumura borrowed. I volunteered to rewrite it but he declined. He said it’s fine and silently left the cafeteria with Nabe-senpai and the scorebook.”

“Well, he did say it was fine so I don’t think he’s angry. As you said, it was an accident, so it can be helped, really,” Seto replied to which Asada and Kuki nodded vigorously to convince their worried senpai.

“No! No! No! No! No! We’re talking about that wolf-boy, you know?? Uwah! Just remembering that time when he told me to disappear still sends shivers down my spine.”

The 1st-years were at a loss for words. It seemed like no matter what they say, the pitcher was convinced that Okumura was indeed angry at him for what just happened. And then, it occurred to Seto — that maybe, just maybe, he can still help in fixing the relationship of his best friend with his pitcher. After all, he wouldn’t want to have a repeat of that last time while he was not around.

Seto cleared his throat before speaking. He wouldn’t want to mess this up.

“Sawamura-senpai, I think you just misunderstood Koushuu. He didn’t say anything because he wasn’t bothered by it. If it had indeed bothered him, he would have scolded you just like how he’s reprimanding you whenever you’re being noisy on the mound.”

Sawamura did not respond, however, it could be seen that the boy was trying to ponder what he just said.

Yosh. He seems to be listening and considering things for now.

A few seconds later, Sawamura seemed to have calmed down. He was no longer fidgeting his fingers nor pulling his hair as if telling Seto to continue with his sentiments regarding his best friend.

“He already reflected fully on what he said to you the other day. He just kinda misunderstood your personality, that’s all. Koushuu can be scary sometimes, but really, that’s just part of who he is. No need to beat yourself up over what happened last time and even for today, Sawamura-senpai.”

“D-Do you really think so?”

“Of course I do! I’ve been his best friend since we were kids so you can say I’m an expert in interpreting Koushuu’s seemingly unreadable moods!”

Kuki and Asada just smiled. They’ve just known Okumura for a few months. They already know how scary his aura can be especially when he’s not talking. But they also know that he’s making an effort to make people understand that he’s not such a bad wolf that bites people.

“With the way I see it, I think he already admired you quite well, Sawamura-senpai. And I think his admiration for you is not so light that spilling water on a scorebook would make him hate you.”

“Well, if you say so,” Sawamura commented, looking more convinced as he listened attentively to Seto.

“If I’d be honest, I was kinda surprised when he made a promise that he’ll only catch for you once he made it to the first string. That’s the first time he made such a promise to someone, you know?”

Seto continued with his rambling. This time, it wasn’t only Sawamura, but also the two freshmen who got more interested in listening. As pitchers, they also wanted to understand Okumura a little bit more.

“He even went so far as to refuse to catch for you even if the order came from the coach. That just showed how much he wanted to follow through on that promise. Because at that time, he’s still not part of the first string. And being not part of the first string meant that his skills were not recognized yet. He believed that he’s not qualified to catch for you because he felt like he still lacked the skills. That only shows how much he looked up to you as a pitcher.”

Sawamura couldn’t help but agree with Seto’s statements. Upon hearing what he just said, he suddenly remembered Okumura saying something like that.

“And now, to the most exciting part, what I’m gonna tell you should only be kept between us,” Seto winked as he placed his index finger near his mouth.

Kuki and Asada slightly nodded, but with mixed anticipation. Sawamura, on the other hand, nodded violently as if to swear that he will not be blabbering anything that Seto will be telling them at this point forward.

“Ever since he volunteered to catch your pitches during the Spring Tournament, he kept on borrowing almost all of the scorebooks of the games that you played at, Sawamura-senpai.”

“Ohhh.” The three responded in unison.

“I think he was so delighted to learn about your Numbers. As a catcher, he wanted to study how effectively he can use your arsenal. So when the time comes that he’ll be given the chance to be your catcher in an official match, he’ll be ready.”

“I see. So he’s been studying my pitches, huh? I guess that explained the aggressive calls he made during our game with Seiho,” Sawamura interjected to which Seto simply nodded.

“Aside from that, he also watches the videos of your matches,” Seto continued. “Do you still remember that time when you were about to watch the Hakuryu video but Okumura was already there at the cafeteria and about to watch it?”

“Oh! You’re right!” Sawamura responded as he put his fist on his palm. “Now that I think about it, he was already at the cafeteria ready to watch the recent game by the time I arrived.”

Oh boy, I’m actually enjoying this, aren’t I? Sorry, Koushuu, but think of this as me helping you.

Before going on with the conversation, Seto snickered upon seeing the reactions of the group, especially Sawamura.

“Lastly, he decided to join Seidou after watching your play against Teitou,” Seto added with finality and pride. “He thought that you are an interesting pitcher so his interest as a catcher was piqued. We even watched your game during Finals. You did great there, by the way. Too bad, you’re not the one who closed it.”

Well, he’s also interested in Furuya-senpai’s pitching, but he doesn’t need that information, for now, right?

“Heh,” Kuki responded. “I wanted to watch that game too but I wasn’t able to go.”

“Was it interesting?” Asada asked.

“It was! I watched the recorded video that one of my teammates took. It was a bit blurry though due to the heavy rain. At some point, they even stopped the game,” Kuki replied with enthusiasm.

They were about to talk more about the game when they noticed that Sawamura turned quiet.

“Sawamura-senpai?” Asada called as he swayed his hands in front of him.

“He’s frozen.”

“Yep, he really is.”

Sawamura was indeed frozen on the spot. His cheeks blushing just like the way he did back when his teammates told him that he’s become more reliable as a pitcher.

“I see! I see! He could have just told me that! Geez, that wolf boy, really!” Sawamura beamed in response after being stiff for about half a minute as he gently scratched his head.

The freshmen were happy to see the idiotic smile of their senpai once again. At least for now, this resolved things between the pitcher and the catcher. They noticed how they got along well together right after Okumura became a first-string member. They wouldn’t want an incident like this to disrupt the relationship that the two of them are trying to build.

“Yosh! Time for batting practice! Let’s not waste a second and practice some more, first-year boys!” Sawamura bellowed as he swung his bat with all his might.

The four of them continued talking about Okumura during their batting session. Sawamura also asked personal questions about them as well and he would answer some questions from his underclassmen.

“Hmm… Since I’m trying to build rapport with wolf boy, shouldn’t I do something that might help improve our battery?” Sawamura blurted out after what felt like an hour of batting.

“For starters, why don’t you try addressing each other on a first-name basis?” Kuki suggested.

“Yes, I think that would be a good idea too, Sawamura-senpai,” Asada agreed while Seto only nodded.

Oh man, this is getting more interesting. I wonder how Koushuu will react once he hears the senpai that he admired address him by his first name.

Seto was lost in his thoughts. He remembered the first time he called Okumura using his first name and the boy turned silent for a moment. And then, while emitting an ominous aura, he had called Seto as Taku as if to inform the other that if it comes to being on a first-name basis, he surely won’t lose.

Giving me a nickname right off the bat! Just how much does that guy hate losing?

Seto’s reminiscing was cut short when he noticed Okumura walking towards them, a bat in his left hand.

“Okumura-shounen! Have you finished rewriting the scorebook?? That sure was fast! As expected of wolf boy!” Sawamura greeted the boy as soon as he reached them.

“Yes, the game was still fresh in my memory so it wasn’t so hard,” Okumura responded.

“I’m sorry for what happened.” Sawamura apologized awkwardly, his voice smaller compared to his typical one.

“I told you already, it’s not your fault. No need to feel so bothered about it, Sawamura-senpai.”

“Then, just accept my apology! Was it so hard??”

“Fine. Apology accepted, then.”

“Hahahaha! See, it wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Please be quiet when practicing on the field, Sawamura-senpai.”

The three were smiling as they observed the battery with their bantering.

Yep, it’s the usual conversation. I’m glad they’re back to normal.

“Oh, by the way, Okumura-shounen, before I forgot. I was soliciting some advice from them as to how to improve our battery. And as a first step, I decided that I’ll be calling you by your first name!”

“Relationship? First name? What are you talking about?”

“Don’t mind the small details!” Sawamura responded as he patted the boy’s shoulder while laughing.

Okumura had to guess what happened within the time that he was busy writing the scorebook. And of course, it all boiled down to his best friend, Taku.

“Taku, you said something to Sawamura-senpai, didn’t you?”

“Of course not! I just told him that you’re not angry and that he should not think too much about it,” Seto replied as he tried his best to hide his guilt.

“Let’s both do our best, Koushuu!” Sawamura shouted with glee as he chuckled once more.

Okumura was so shocked it took all he’s got to respond to the southpaw pitcher.

“Don’t hold back and call me ‘Eijun-senpai’ !”

Seto, Asada, and Kuki were trying so hard not to laugh upon seeing Okumura’s reaction. The younger might not admit it but no matter how hard he resists, he can’t help but get caught up on the older’s pace.

And then, after a few seconds, Okumura spoke.

“I’m sorry, but I’ll have to decline.”

“Ehh??” Sawamura and the other freshmen shouted in unison.

“I’ll take you up on your offer once I am already the main catcher. So for the meantime, please allow me to call you as it is,” Okumura responded as he bowed slightly towards his senpai.

Sawamura was smug upon hearing what Okumura had said.

This brat. As expected, he really is a passionate guy after all.

“Then, I’ll also stop for now.”

“Ehh? Sawamura-senpai as well?” Asada exclaimed.

“I’ll call you by your first name once I become the ace of this team!” Sawamura declared with confidence as he laughed some more, with both hands on his hips.

“Another promise then, huh?” Seto commented as Kuki and Asada looked at the pair with admiration.

The corners of Okumura’s lips went slightly upward for less than a second. Or Seto might have just been imagining it. Sawamura and the rest decided to call it quits for now as they will be eating dinner anytime soon. They walked back towards their dorm as they continued their conversation.

For starters, if you want to be the ace, how about you try to lessen your voice? You’re too noisy, Sawamura-senpai. Especially when you’re on the mound. I’ve been telling you multiple times, a good ace pitcher shouldn’t be recklessly letting his emotions show while on the mound.

Geh! Here we go again with your harsh criticisms! You are too wild, Okami-kozo!

And while the two were busy bickering, Seto, Asada, and Kuki were observing them happily thinking about how the two actually get along so well.

OMAKE:

The day after Sawamura became the Ace of Seidou

Sawamura was already seated between Kominato and Furuya, busy eating his breakfast when Seto and Okumura arrived in the cafeteria to join Asada, Kuki, and Kagami.

Before Okumura could take one bite off his meal, the obnoxious loud southpaw pitcher walked towards them as he waved his left hand.

“Good morning, Seto, Asada, Kuki, Kagami!”

“Good morning!” the freshmen responded.

“Good morning, Koushuu!”

The whole cafeteria went silent. Okumura went stiff upon hearing his name came out of Sawamura — their current southpaw ace pitcher.

“Koushuu??” Kuramochi and Zono bellowed in unison upon hearing Sawamura addressed the catcher by his first name.

Curiosity filled the air as the rest of the Seidou members eavesdropped between Sawamura and some of the first years’ conversation.

“I’ve kept my end of the promise. So I’ll be waiting for you to keep yours. Na? Koushuu!”

Seto, Asada, and Kuki were snickering on their seats as they watched Okumura feeling awkward towards their new ace’s advances.

“Please be quiet, Sawamura-senpai. Also, please finish your breakfast first before starting a conversation out of nowhere,” Okumura responded ineptly as he noticed how almost all of the eyes inside the cafeteria were directed towards him. He couldn’t help but wish that a hole would open right on his spot and swallow him up.

“No worries, even if you start ahead, I’ll still finish my breakfast faster than you, Koushuu!”

As much as he liked to stop the pitcher from calling his first name, a promise is a promise. And now that Sawamura is now the ace of Seidou, he is now allowed to address Okumura on a first-name basis. He’ll have no choice but to get used to it.

“This is so fun to watch! To think the day will arrive that Sawamura will learn how to harass his kouhai,” Miyuki commented as he giggled upon hearing Sawamura and Okumura’s conversation.

“Oi! It’s not even funny!” Kuramochi snapped as he kicked Miyuki’s legs under the table.

“It’s fine, isn’t it? Let him enjoy the privilege of being the ace for once!”

“That’s not the point! The point being is that one of your worst traits is rubbing off on the kid!” Kuramochi pointed his chopsticks towards Miyuki, proper manners be damned.

“Eh? But it should be fine if it’s just from time to time, right, Kuramochi-kun? Also, your big bro complex is coming out. Did Ryou-san rub off on you as well?”

“Don’t you ‘from-time-to-time’ me! Act like a real captain, for once! Don’t go around influencing your teammates negatively!!”

“Are you sure you don’t have anything to worry about though, Miyuki?” Watanabe interjected while secretly having some fun listening to both conversations.

“Huh? What’s there to worry about, Nabe?” Miyuki asked with curiosity.

“You’ve been a battery with Sawamura for almost two years now. Now that he’s the ace, you two will be the main battery for this summer tournament. Sawamura and Okumura formed a battery just recently and he’s already calling the first year by his first name. I guess that says something,” Nabe commented objectively as he continued eating his meal.

“But Sawamura is calling Miyuki by his full name. He hasn’t called anyone by full name except Miyuki. That’s saying something as well, no?” Zono interrupted.

Some of the first-string 3rd-years who were eating on the table together with Miyuki couldn’t help but laugh at Zono’s statement.

“Hyahaha! Zono! You’re so mean!” Kuramochi guffawed as he harshly tapped the table with his left hand.

“Zono, I’ll have you know that that’s not a good follow at all,” Shirasu added as he patted Zono’s shoulder while Kawakami nodded silently as he wiped the tears on the side of his eyes because he was laughing so hard a while ago.

“Eh?? Is that so??” Zono asked, totally unaware of the blow he'd dealt Miyuki.

“Oi. Why do I feel like I’m being a laughing stock right now? Learn to respect your captain, for once!” Miyuki exclaimed upon noticing that almost all of the people at their table were laughing at Zono’s comment.

“D-Don’t mind, Miyuki! If you want, I’ll convince Sawamura to call you by your first name too!” Zono added as if that’s the right thing to say.

Kuramochi and the rest of the gang laughed some more.

“Zono, don’t you think it’s time for you to shut up now?” Miyuki said annoyingly.

“But why?? I’m just trying to help!!”

“I don’t need your help! And keep your comments to yourself!” the captain replied coldly.

“Don’t be like that, Captain! As your vice-captain, it is my responsibility to help you on things that you’re not good at.”

“Hyahaha! Zono - 3, Miyuki - 0!” Kuramochi was laughing furiously again as he continued listening in on Miyuki and Zono’s exchange.

Miyuki only sighed and stayed quiet until he finished his breakfast, putting some of his leftovers on Zono’s plate when he’s not looking. Sawamura, on the other hand, went back to his seat. He asked what they were talking about but they were kind enough not to embarrass their socially awkward captain any further.

But really, it’s good to know that Sawamura and Okumura are getting along just fine. Once I graduate, and if ever Okumura will be chosen as the main catcher, then I guess there’s nothing for me to worry about.

Miyuki smiled secretly as he drowned himself in his thoughts.

[lifewithborderline]

I guess I'd like to know if you have any advice on how to get over people who clearly don't want you in their lives? Like a lot of the time I'm okay, but then I feel the urge to come back, probably because I have literally nobody (I'm very wary of people and as such not good at meeting new people, and the ones I meet I always drive away a few months down the line anyway) and that can be lonely, but it's clear that they wanted me to leave and have no interest in ever seeing my face or hearing anything I say ever again. All they had to say was "You'll crawl back anyway 🙄". Like they don't want me, they hate me at best and feel completely indifferent towards me at worst, they never reached out to me, didn't check on me, they surely wanted to leave me anyway. But some part of me is like "What if you're a dumb bitch and just misinterpreting everything?" and like I know that that part is wrong and just saying shit because it's lonely and wants to annoy these people again even though that'd be selfish because they don't want me there. Plus even if it weren't selfish, I'm in the second to last year of school which means that in a year they'll leave me anyway and never talk to me again and if I got back with these people now it'd hurt me in a year again.

Also I feel like maybe it's important to say that a lot of these fallouts I have with people aren't directly related to BPD (I mean, some are, but not all) but instead to a trigger. I mean, I don't know if I should call it a trigger since technically I don't have diagnosed PTSD or CPTSD, but they're just things that make me remember traumatic memories that affect me a lot to this day and that shaped me as a person, and when I hear the phrase that makes me relive those things I usually get all anxious and my heart starts beating faster and I get hot flushes and I feel like I need to run away, like I need to run away from everything and everyone close to that phrase or it will happen again, like the situation will literally be recreated in real time by these people sooner or later, so I need to run away before it happens, I need to run because I'd rather die than go through all that again. So to others I suppose it looks like I freak out, start crying, either get really angry or look absent and start saying some wild shit (to me the things make complete sense because they're directly related to the things I went through, but I think that it may sound off-topic or nonsensical to others) and then it devolves into me apologising for no reason (my default response to someone doing something to me or blaming me for something is to apologise. In my life I've just learned that that's the best course of action to minimise the harm, along with just being quiet and taking everything), and then I just leave. Usually I don't show myself there / around the people ever again if those people and the place aren't something I have to be around. If it's like, family or school, I usually don't show up for a few months, often I just tell my doc that I feel totally like shit and suicidal and she sends me to a psych ward for like 3 months. I never really told anyone any of that because it's embarrassing. People already think that I'm a lunatic r*tard for having ADHD (not making this up. A part of my family literally thinks that I should be locked away specifically for that, and when I told some of my peers that I have ADHD, they literally said "You're a r*tard ? But you don't look like one! I thought you were smart!"), I don't need people laughing at me because I have some memories that probably wouldn't make others feel the way I do.

I am so sorry that there are cruel people in the world. I could rant about how they are the very thing they are calling you but ill save my breath. First I'd like to point out that you do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD to have triggers. Trauma affects us. Our minds are sensitive and take a long time to heal. It sounds like your trauma leads you to have panic attacks. I used to have that happen to me a lot, its lessened out now so I have maybe one or two a year.

I understand what you mean when you say that the person seems like they don't want you in their life, I've had people do that to me. But in all honesty, its so much better that they aren't in my life. I went through ups and downs when I left/they pushed me away. And I wanted to come crawling back to them. They knew I would and they wanted that because my person was a manipulative b*#$%. I know your person might not be the same as mine but if they don't wanna be in your life then they don't deserve to have you. You are amazing. And no one should be able to take that away from you or make you feel less.

I know its lonely not having friends. I suck at making friends. When I moved across the country for this person and for school I had no one. The person treated me like dirt. And I had no friends. Then I moved home and was excited to have my old friends again. Only to see they didn't care anymore. They had made other friends and wanted nothing to do with me. So I get it. But keep trying to make friends. My biggest thing for me is to be open with people about my mental health from the start. That way you see who stays a lot quicker in than if you were to not say anything till you felt attached. It still hurts to see people leave after you tell them but it hurts less. I know there are lots of jerks in this world but there are a few golden people left.

Now to answer your question of how to get over someone who doesn't want you. It is hard. It won't be easy to clear the hurt but its possible. Talking about to someone and explaining all the emotions helps. But when you don't have anyone who will listen or don't have a therapist then writing out everything is the best option. Write a letter to the person and vent everything you feel. Then you can send it or burn it. I did that a few times, and I burnt the letters. Other ways are providing yourself with some self care. Find something that helps you think clearly and calms you. For me its sitting next to the river near my home or sitting in a hot shower for an hour. It can be anything you find helps as long as its healthy.

I dont know if I answered your question or not but basically it will take time but small things will ease the pain. Don't bottle feelings and be willing to forgive. Forgiveness takes time, im still working on it after 1.5 years. But it will happen.

Thanks for asking and if I can help in anyway im just a message away. ❤

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[edxwin-elric]

Darkest Roads - Ch.2

Chapter 2: Just Business

Rating: T

Pairing: Edwin/Edward Elric x Winry Rockbell

Disclaimer: I don’t own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Total Work Count: 15k

Chapter Word Count: 4.5k

Description: Edwin Street Race AU – A meeting is set for the part and new players are introduced in the Central City underground.

@fmabigbangs

ffn || ao3 || tag

previous chapter || next chapter

Winry

He never texted.

I didn’t really start hoping for him to until the fourth day, since it was supposed to be a business deal. Though, I’m not sure, but…I’m pretty sure he was flirting with me. Maybe not flirting but he seemed interested… Unless I made that up.

I rise from my seat at my workbench and walk toward my dresser.

But it doesn’t even matter if he was flirting or interested or whatever because it was supposed to be business. I paid that Donovan guy a hundred thousand cens, and Edward agreed to text me when my part came in.

That was a week ago. A week.

As in seven whole days.

And still nothing!

I’m starting to think he and Donovan played me.

…maybe.

I turn around and walk in the other direction.

I mean, I don’t know… He seemed really sincere at the time. He was definitely serious about me never going back to Sinners’ Lane again. That’s for sure. Could he really have conned me out of seventy thousand cens?

I spin around to pace back the other way.

But then why would he have helped me pay Donovan in the first place?

He probably forgot my number. God, that is so like a guy, to say “I’ll remember it,” like a douchebag and then immediately forget it. And, of course, he wouldn’t give me his number, for whatever reason, so now I’m just—

“Winry, are you even listening to me?”

“Huh? What?” I stop walking and turn to look at Paninya, who is sitting on my workbench frowning at me.

“I was talking to you about the upgrade, but I’m pretty sure you’re on another planet.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, moving to sit down on the edge of my bed. “I… What were you saying?”

“I was asking how much longer you think it’ll be. I mean, I don’t mind waiting, but I was kind of looking forward to my knees not hurting every time it rains.”

I sigh and flop onto my back.

“I don’t know,” I admit. “The guy said–”

“The hot one?”

Wow do I regret mentioning he was hot.

“More like the hotheaded one,” I correct, shifting my eyes to look at her. “But yeah, Edward. He said he’d text me when he had it, and so far…”

I cross my arms in the air as a big X meaning I have received nothing from him.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

I was really hoping this upgrade would work out. I still haven’t told her I only asked for one double-hinged auto retractor and not two, so even if it did come in, only one of her knees would be fully upgraded. But I just can’t afford a second one right now. Not when they cost two hundred thousand cens each.

“It’s probably better this way,” she says quieter, and I lift my head to look at her. “I still haven’t told Dominic about it.”

“What?” I jerk into a sitting position.

Dominic is her primary automail mechanic, but more importantly, he’s her adoptive father.

“Paninya, he–”

“I know,” she cuts me off, rubbing her hands over her face. “He deserves to know. I just… I know what he’ll say. That it isn’t worth the risk and pain of changing out both joints when I’m not completely done growing yet especially for such expensive pieces, but… I haven’t gotten any taller in the last year! And it’s not like you’re going to build completely new legs, just knee joints!”

“I know.”

And I’m hoping to make them so they can be transferred to any new automail legs she might need in the future.

She exhales loudly and jumps down from my workbench to pace in the same place I just was.

“And it’s not that I don’t appreciate what he’s done for me,” she goes on. “I love my automail. I just…”

“You are still planning on having me reinstall your weapons when I do the upgrade, right?”

She stops and turns to look at me.

“I mean…if you’re still willing to do it.”

I nod, and pull my legs up, twisting so that I’m facing her fully, sitting cross-legged on my mattress.

Last year, when Dominic fitted her with new legs to accommodate her last growth spurt, he added a concealed blade in her right shin and a 1.5-inch tear gas cannon to her left for self-defense. Six months ago, new restrictions were passed on automail as part of a government combat automail control bill. All weapons are required to be licensed and registered, and no one under the age of twenty-one is allowed to have any at all. Dominic disagreed with the new rules as much as we did, but he removed the weapons anyway since Pan is only seventeen. By putting them back, I’ll be breaking the law, but considering the kinds of activities she gets up to in her spare time, it’s worth it to me for her to be safe. In truth, I’m more concerned about Dominic’s reaction to me helping her than I am about the legality of it.

“Can we just worry about it when the parts finally come in?” she asks finally.

“Sure.” I nod again. “But I really think you should tell Dominic. At least about getting your joints upgraded.”

She sighs loudly and falls onto the stool at my workbench.

“I know you don’t want to, but he should at least be sort of understanding when you explain how your stumps and joints bother you when it rains, right?”

“Maybe. But then he’ll question why I’m having you do it and not him, since he’s designed all my automail before.”

“You can tell him it’s for my thesis project,” I volunteer quickly. “That Mr. Garfiel is having me design, build, and install a completely original design as part of my apprenticeship, and before I do a full arm or leg he’s having me start with some joints.”

She blinks and her face brightens.

“That might actually work.”

“Thanks.” I feel a glow of pride in my chest.

Though, maybe I shouldn’t, considering how deceptive this whole thing is. Am I really proud of lying? Gah. My brain can’t handle a moral dilemma on top of everything else.

“Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure. How about…”

My phone pings, and I blink, whipping my head around to look at it.

Paninya stands and grabs it off the workbench where I left it, scanning the screen.

“Princess, I have it,” she reads slowly before looking up at me. “What the hell?”

I groan and slide off the bed.

“It’s him,” I mutter, crossing to take the phone from her. “The guy with the part.”

“Really?” She raises her eyebrows. “He calls you ‘princess?’”

“Yeah. I can’t get him to stop.”

“Kinky.” She grins, and I smack her in the arm.

“Shut up.”

I text him back quickly, resisting the urge to tell him off for not messaging me sooner. And for calling me “princess” again.

“What is he saying?” Pan leans over my shoulder, and I hit send before turning off the screen. The last thing I need is her eavesdropping.

“We’re setting up a time and place to meet so he can give me the stuff, and I can pay him.”

“You should meet in City Park,” she announces. “Late, though, when there aren’t as many people around. Like nine pm. If you go too late cops start patrolling.”

I nod and send Edward her suggestion. I don’t have to ask her how she knows so much about secret rendezvous spots for underground trades. Before Dominic adopted her when she was twelve, Paninya grew up on Sinner’s Lane. She hasn’t shared all of the details with me, and I haven’t pushed, but from what she’s said I know she ran product for some of the local dealers on top of becoming a highly skilled pickpocket. (I have a feeling the accident that took her legs is related, but I can’t be sure.) It took six months to break her habit at school where I kept finding stolen items in her locker. Luckily, those items all found their way to the lost-and-found, and she never got caught.

Edward texts me back, confirming the meet, and I take a minute to add his number to my contacts.

“Tomorrow night,” I announce, sliding the phone in my pocket.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Like I told you last time, it’s too risky for you. Dominic will catch you for sure if you sneak out, and I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Or raise his suspicions.

“Besides,” I continue before she can argue, “City Park is much safer than where I went before.”

“That’s true I guess.”

“It is. So, if that’s settled, wanna go find something to eat?”

“Sure.”

I instantly start for the door.

“Hold on,” she calls after me. “You’re not going solo just so you can be alone with the hot guy again, are you? I mean, you know he’s bad news, right?”

Crap.

“No,” I answer her calmly. “I’m going alone because it makes more sense. And just because he’s hot doesn’t mean I lose all sense of reason when he’s around. It isn’t a date; it’s just business.”

She gives me a knowing look, and I want to slap her. I mean, I’m telling the truth.

I think.

“What?” I frown when her eyes widen and shift to the side.

“Nothing, just…is that not exactly what you said about that guy you met online, Neil or whatever, when he was talking to you about cold weather automail?”

“No,” I sputter. “I mean, maybe, but only because it’s true.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously! Neil is just a friend. I was interested in his work. That was it!”

“You told me he almost kissed you.”

Oh my God. Why does she remember that? It was one time!

“Uh, yeah.” I roll my eyes. “The keyword being ‘almost.’”

He and I met up in Rush Valley for an automail convention and he asked me to lunch, and at the end, he leaned in, and…I leaned down to grab my purse.

“And if the hot guy almost kisses you?” Paninya continues.

“His name is Edward,” I snap.

“Fine, if Edward almost kisses you?”

“Why would he do that?” I cross my arms, still attempting to deflect her question. “We barely know each other.”

“You told me he was flirting with you,” she points out. “And I know guys from the Lane. Barely knowing a girl isn’t a deterrent to kissing her.”

Really? That’s… I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, what if he does try to kiss me? Do I want him to? Do I not?

Oh my God! This is nuts!

“He’s not going to try to kiss me,” I say with conviction. “We are literally only meeting to exchange money for automail parts.”

“Yeah. Sure. Okay.” She nods, sarcasm lacing every word she says. “Let me know how that goes.”

She walks past me out the door, and I glare after her, my mind spinning with her insinuation.

I mean, Edward wouldn’t actually try to kiss me, right? If he were interested in me as more than a…girl he met one time at a street race, wouldn’t he have texted me before today?

“Winry, are you coming?”

“Yeah. Yes!”

God. I can’t worry about this now. If he tries to kiss me when we meet…I’ll worry about it then.

Edward

Damn, she tastes like heaven.

“Ed…” she moans against my mouth. “Oh God.”

I kiss her harder, my fingers sliding under the hem of her top. She gasps at my touch, and I curse my automail for denying me the feel of her soft skin. Her knees go weak, and I lower her to the ground, covering her with my body. I tilt my head to kiss her better, her lips parting in surprise, allowing me just enough room to taste her tongue with mine.

“Ed,” she pleads this time, her fingers digging into my hair.

My palms slide over her sides—damn, her body fits perfectly in my hands.

“Oh!” She arches her neck, and I drop my lips to kiss the vein there.

And then lower to her shoulder where her top is slipping. It’s like kissing satin.

“Princess,” I whisper, kissing her again.

She moans my name, and I grab a handful of grass beside her head.

“Someone will see,” she chokes, her eyes opening wide. “We can’t!”

I kiss her cheek. Her jaw.

“No one is around,” I remind her, my thumb making tiny circles on the skin over her ribs. “City Park is abandoned at this hour.”

“But…but…” Her eyes flutter closed. “This was just business.”

I grin against her ear. “Says who?”

Her fingers tighten in my hair, and her knees open allowing my hips to fall through.

Holy shit. I could fucking howl.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

I jerk awake and nearly fall out of my bed.

“Whada fuck?” I slur, squinting.

“Brother, what the heck are you doing in there!”

Shit! I was sleeping? I groan, rubbing my hand over my face. It takes a second for my body to wake up.

Well.

I grimace and throw my head back against my pillow. One part of me is definitely already awake.

“Brother!”

“It was just a dream, Al!” I shout back at him, trying to keep just how frustrated I am out of my voice.

“It’s almost noon,” he calls back. “Don’t you have to be places today?”

Shit. Shit. Shit!

Throwing the sheets off, I stumble out of bed and swing open the door, forcing Al to jump back as I move past him.

“I needa shower,” I mumble.

I’m supposed to be at work at one, and I was planning to go to the garage first to check on my baby. Now, I’ll barely be there on time.

“Don’t you have school?” I yell back to him.

“It’s Saturday.”

I hear his amused answer but don’t have time to flip him off because it takes at least five minutes to heat up the shower, so the sooner I get the water on the better. While I’m waiting for it to heat up, I grab my automail maintenance stuff, and wince at the bottle of antioxidant oil. I’m supposed to apply it any time I get my automail wet, but with an entire arm and leg of automail, it goes down really fast. And since it costs almost an arm and a leg to buy a new bottle, I’m stuck.

“Fuck.”

I bet there’s a dealer I can negotiate with on the Lane, but I don’t have time today, and funds have been tight since I helped Winry out with Donovan.

“Winry.”

Saying her name sends a rush of intense dream images flashing through my head, which I immediately try to forget as I strip off my shorts and step into the shower. It’s no use though, because I can’t get her out of my brain.

Her adorable smile. Her deep blue eyes. All that pretty blonde hair. It’s probably as long as mine, and hell if I don’t want to run my fingers through it. Not to mention her perfect curves and those legs that go on forever…

What I wouldn’t give to see her in a skirt.

“Fuck,” I hiss as I squeeze the bar of soap in my hand.

I tilt my head back under the steaming spray and grind my teeth. Soap is not the thing I want to have my fist wrapped around.

On the other hand, I shouldn’t entertain any kind of dirty thoughts about Winry. All my business with her is literally just business. I’ll see her tonight for the meeting and never again.

I turn and reach for the faucet. If I take a cold shower, maybe I can kill this stupid bodily reaction. Of course, then I would just be a different kind of uncomfortable.

“Bullshit,” I mutter, grabbing the shampoo.

All I have to do is not think about her, and I’ll be fine. No need to torture myself. She’s just some girl I met one time. It can’t be that difficult.

“You’re late, Elric.”

I wince at the deep voice from behind the meat counter as I rush to the back.

A cold shower did not help with my…problem, but it did make me late to get dressed, which made me late to catch the bus, which of course, got stuck in traffic somehow, so I had to run the last three miles, and ultimately, I  was still five minutes late.

I think I might be cursed.

“Sorry,” I mutter pathetically as I grab an apron and hurry to the sink to scrub my hands before putting on gloves.

I steal a look at my giant of a boss, and quickly look away when I see the intense stare he has me pinned with.

“How much trouble am I in this time?” I ask through gritted teeth.

“You’re in luck,” he rumbles, crossing his arms. “She hasn’t come out front yet, so you’re in the clear.”

“Really?” I look up in surprise.

Maybe I’m not cursed after all.

“Just don’t tell her, and I won’t say anything either.”

“Got it.”

Mr. Curtis might be as big as a house with a voice of booming thunder, but it’s his wife who’s the scary one. She says she’s just a housewife, but I saw her fight off a mugger once, and… I’d bet my two good limbs she could take on the entire Devil’s Nest and walk away without a scratch. Not that she’s mean or anything, she can be really nice and sort of motherly when she wants to be. She’s just also really tough. And she’s strict about her rules for employees. Being on time is nonnegotiable.

“You two aren’t talking about me, are you?”

I flinch and try to hide it when Izumi comes out from the side room with her arms crossed and her eyebrow raised.

“Of course not, dear,” Sig says smoothly before his features crease with a frown. “Are you feeling all right?”

“I’m fine.”

She waves away his concern, but now that I’m looking, her face looks paler than normal.

“Edward,” she calls my name, and I straighten like a member of the military.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I have some delivery orders I want you to run today.”

“Oh.” I nod and shift my weight. “But you know I don’t have my car back yet,” I remind her.

“Right.” She frowns. “Well, I guess for now you can borrow the bike, but!” she says quickly when my jaw drops open, “if you scratch it…”

Her eyes narrow on me, and I swallow.

“I won’t scratch it,” I promise.

“Good.” She nods, her look softening. “The orders are in the fridge.”

“Great. Got it.”

Grabbing the insulated bag from under the counter, I go to the back room and start checking the orders against the form posted on the door to the refrigerator and packing the meat.

“Weird,” I mutter as I slide in the last one and zip up my carrier.

All but two of them are for regular customers. The other ones don’t have labels.

“Hey, Izumi,” I call as I walk out, looping the strap over my shoulder. “Where are these two going?”

I show her the blank orders listed on the official report.

“Ah.” She nods. “Those are for our friends in the Xingese District. You can stop by there last.”

“Right.” I turn and head for the alley.

She doesn’t have to elaborate any further than that. The only “friends” she could be referring to in the Xingese District are members of the Yao clan, a large and wealthy family that owns the Imperial, the fanciest hotel in Central City. Rumors of underground gambling and illicit drugs have surrounded it for years, but no one has ever been able to prove anything. Other, wilder rumors about the patriarch of the family being terminally ill with an extremely rare disease and obsessed with a search for a cure have also been floating around, along with some of the wild and untested methods he’s considered.

But I’m not really worried about that. I’m just trying to deliver some meat.

Strapping the carrier to the bike, I swing my leg over and adjust my helmet before flipping the kickstand and revving the engine.

“Fuuuuck,” I hiss.

After an initial roar, the engine quiets to a low rumble. Not as sweet as when my baby purrs, but the feel of the raw power between my legs is intense.

“What did I say about scratching it?” Izumi’s yell catches me by surprise, and I lurch forward before stopping.

“I won’t,” I call back as I whip my head around.

“That’s right. You won’t.” She gives me a final parting look and disappears back into the building.

With the threat of imminent doom hanging over my head, should I fail to keep her bike safe, I pull out of the alley into the road.

It only takes me forty-five minutes to get the regular orders delivered, and then I head for the Xingese District, being careful to avoid back alleys and side streets because, while I know these streets like the back of my hand, I also know main roads are safer during daylight hours, especially when I’m on a borrowed motorcycle.

When I reach the Imperial, I pull up to the front door, only to be immediately waved forward by a glaring attendant. His sunglasses hide his eyes, but his frown is impossible to miss.

“Where do I go then?” I ask, the rude edge clearly audible in my tone.

“This way,” a small girl with braids calls to me as she steps up to the curb and starts walking around the side of the building. “Deliveries are always taken in the alley, directly to the kitchen or storage rooms,” she explains when I stop in a loading dock.

“Sorry, but do you work here?” I frown at her.

“Essentially.” She shrugs. “I’m Mei Chang, and the head of the Imperial is my father,” she explains, “but he has a lot of kids so the only way for any of his children to inherit is to remain close to him, so I’m here to maintain that connection.”

“Aha.” I nod, totally not understanding how this family functions at all, not that my own is a great model anyway. “Well, where do I go now?”

“This way.” She leads me through a side entrance and into a kitchen. “Normally, you would leave the food in the fridge and sign here that you left it.” She points to a form by the counter. “However, since you’ve never delivered before, you’ll have to take the food to a senior staff member to inspect it first.”

Internally, I roll my eyes as I follow her out into the dining area with the packages of cold meat in my hands.

“Mei,” a male voice calls out as soon as we enter the room.

“Ling.” She starts walking faster, and I rush to keep up.

She stops at a table full of food where a lean guy about my age is dressed in all black from head to toe, except his arms which are completely bare due to his sleeveless shirt.

“And who is this?”

“New delivery person,” she announces. “You should check his meat. I’ve got to go back to the front.”

“Edward,” I introduce myself as the small girl walks off. “Call me Ed.”

“Ling,” he mumbles through a fresh bite of food. “Hungry?”

“No, thanks.” I shake my head. “I’m good.”

“That’s okay. Lan Fan can have some.”

He jerks his head back which is when I suddenly notice the stony-faced girl standing behind him, knives glinting in holsters on both of her hips, and despite her casual stance, I get the feeling she’s ready to spring into action at any moment.

“No thank you, my lord,” she says softly, and one of my eyebrows quirks.

“‘My lord?’” I echo.

“Is that a problem for you?” Ling squints at me, and I shake my head.

“No problem. I just have your meat.”

“Let me see it.”

Shoving some of his many plates aside, Ling clears some space and I set the meat packages in front of him. He opens one and looks at it for half a second before declaring them both good and reaching for another plate of food.

“Is this really all for you?” I murmur, still not sure what I’m seeing.

“I like food.” He shrugs. “And I have jet lag, so my stomach hasn’t caught up to what time of day is supposed to be mealtime.”

“Jet lag?”

“I just arrived from Xing last night. Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve made a pretty significant discovery that could affect my father’s diagnosis.”

I blink at him.

“Master Ling, please tell me you aren’t sharing our family business with random strangers again,” an old man suddenly comes out of the shadows and steps between us, causing me to take a step back.

“Hardly, Fu,” Ling waves his hand. “I was telling my new friend, Edward.”

“Friend? Hold on, I barely even–”

“Well, he’s working,” Fu says over me, “so it’s probably time he got going, right Edward?”

He gives me a look that leaves no room for argument, and I nod.

“Yeah, uh, I’ve got meat to…do.”

“Well, at least leave your number,” Ling calls as I back away. “Give it to Mei. That way we can talk more sometime.”

What the heck?

Fu leads me back through the kitchens, and I sigh with relief as I quickly scan the bike for scratches and come up empty. Climbing back on, I hear footsteps behind me.

“Ed!” Mei says suddenly, “before you go, could you give this to your brother for me?”

“What?” I feel my eyes narrow at her as I frown. “How do you know my brother?”

“From school,” she answers jerking back, as if it should’ve been obvious, and…maybe it should’ve. “It’s his chemistry notes,” she explains holding a notebook out to me. “I borrowed them to compare them with some old texts I have here. We’re working on a project and–”

“I really don’t need details,” I murmur. “But I’ll make sure he gets them.”

“Okay, thanks!”

She beams, and I reach up to clasp the helmet strap under my chin before tucking the notebook into the carrier behind me.

“See you later then.”

She waves as I start the bike and pull out down the alley and head back to the butcher shop where people and things make sense.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 245: The Second One

Previously on BnHA: We kicked off day one of New Internships with a fun-filled morning of shenanigans. Highlights included: (1) an old bearded man gallivanting around town telling everyone the world is going to end (and making a surprising amount of sense); (2) Bakugou and Deku attempting to rough up a group of impassioned hobos, only to have their thunder stolen from right underneath their noses; and (3) Hawks, the thunder-stealer himself, who proceeded to be all “what’s up fellas, hey Endeavor did you miss me?” Endeavor, who totally did miss him, pretended like he had not, and meanwhile Hawks introduced himself to Endeavor’s new trainees: Finger-Smashing Kid, Kid Who Used To Work For The Guy You Just Murdered, and Shouto (Just Shouto). Then he pulled out a copy of Re-Destro’s book and was all, “hey Endeavor have you heard of this book which was really important to the plot in the previous arc? I think you should read it, for reasons!!” and Endeavor just kind of stared at him, which wasn’t exactly inspiring. Anyways let’s see if these two idiots can manage to pull this off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks shoves the Liberation Army’s book into Endeavor’s hands while staring at him with the intensity of a thousand suns, and then, to avoid suspicion, proceeds to hand out another 500,000 copies of the book without even being asked. He then flies back to the PLF headquarters and is all “good news gentlemen, I gave out copies of the Army’s book to everyone in Japan!” and they’re all “that’s great, Hawks!” because somehow it turns out that this was actually a good plan. Back at the Endeavor Agency HQ, the kids meet Endeavor’s 30+ other sidekicks, who are all “now let’s all stand around and wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do.” Over in his office, Endeavor shrewdly deduces that Hawks was trying to tell him something, and pieces together the hidden code Hawks left in his book, which basically reads “IN FOUR MONTHS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.” Back at the PLF, the League cheerfully discusses their plot to blow up the entire world come Springtime. Which apparently everyone is on board with. So, uh, does anyone else feel like they accidentally fell asleep during a really important part of the movie, because uh. What.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

okay so two things: (1) as I mentioned in a previous post, Caleb Cook reported that this chapter took him more than 4 times longer than usual to translate. so like, what does that mean?? guess we’re about to find out!

and (2) HAWKS’S REAL NAME. I started typing up this recap early just so I could liveblog my reaction, since it seems that the databook has leaked, and I figure I’m going to stumble across this sooner rather than later. so I’m just going to look it up now here goes!!

AHHHH TAKAMI KEIGO AHHHH

lol. I have no idea what that actually means. let me look up some more stuff about this

oooh thank you reddit!

ooh damn, I love it!? “hawk” + “vision” lolol HORIKOSHI BACK AT IT AGAIN. but “watchman” is a really nice bonus what with how it relates both to the whole spying biz, and in a more general sense toward what he is trying to do as a hero trying to protect society. plus the name “Keigo” just has a really nice sound to it in general. kind of a boyish, youthful sound. not too hard or soft. idk. I like it. that was my favorite character in Bleach too

also apparently both of the kanji used for “Keigo” mean “enlightenment” oooh. my god I could analyze this all day. this being Thursday night, I’ll have some time to ruminate before I read the chapter tomorrow, so if I have any epiphanies I will add them in later!

(ETA: no additional thoughts on this right now, but there is now a ton of other content out from Ultra Analysis, so let’s take a quick look at some of that!

Haagen Dazs’s gender:  I now feel vindicated in continuing to refer to him as a “he” even after the face reveal! let this be a lesson to everyone never to judge a shounen character solely by how pretty they are. not that it wouldn’t have been nice to have another female villain! anyways the important thing is that I still don’t have his name memorized and never will!

Thirteen’s gender?!: now this, I don’t really like. Thirteen was already in the previous databook IIRC and their gender was ambiguous. which to be frank was awesome. having a canon nonbinary character was sick. why you gotta do this now Horikoshi smdh.

Reason for Shouji’s mask: nooooo poor Shouji. people in quirk society are jerks! lol I get the arms being scary, but his face?? now I really want to see what he looks like though. it would be cool if he became more accepting of himself as a result of hanging with his chill classmates and decided to ditch the mask. anyways my boy needs a hug.

and there’s a lot of other stuff, including a whole series of cute segments showing the characters’ relationships with each other, but I think I’ll save those for another post because otherwise this would get way too off-track. but man, so far I’m really loving this.)

okay kiddos. it is now Friday, and time to take our horse to the hype town road. I have been waiting all fucking week for this shit so it had better not disappoint!

“Rising to Action” ooh, nice. guess this is not much of a “sit still” gang, here

okay so we’re picking off right where we left off, and guys, I just need to know, does anyone other than me find this kind of hilarious

like, I don’t know why but just. Endeavor’s face. omg. he just looks like he’s trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong. I think what it is is that this is the exact same bemused/perplexed expression that Shouto gets on his face all the freaking time, and it just tickles me to no end that the apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree. ahh Shouto I know you don’t want to hear this but damn boy you look like your dad

anyways. I think we can all agree Endeavor should not be looking this adorable and what the hell. let’s move on

LOOOOOOL

why is this so funny ahhhhhhh. they’re so fucking serious please stop. I mean, but of course they’re serious, though. the weird one is me, right? whatever!

so now here’s the handoff. between these two super-serious dudes

Endeavor you had better not do like me and be all “of course I’ll read it!” fully intending to follow through (really!) but then you never do and everyone is super disappointed and you start to read something else instead, all the while feeling incredible guilt! my point is, Endeavor, I hope you don’t have ADHD or we’re all fucking screwed omg

lol though thankfully we have a backup!

“oh boy!” clamors Deku, a gleam of excitement in his eye. “homework!”

OH MY GOD

WHO ARE YOU, OPRAH

ff now he’s just SLAPPING THEM INTO THEIR HANDS omg. this is amazing

love how Katsuki is keeping an extra 1.5 meters of space in between him and the others because cooties. or something

anyways! I really want them all to read it actually so this is awesome! KACCHAN YOU ESPECIALLY. I want you to read it and then give it a disgusted 1 star review on goodreads. show me how much you’ve grown kiddo

lmaooo

Todoroki Shouto. god’s perfect idiot. bless this child. someone explained Occam’s razor to him one day, and he just sat there nodding like “yes that makes perfect sense” and proceeded to apply it to every fucking thing in his life from there on out. “what’s Hawks doing carrying around 10,000 copies of The Book of PLF and just handing them out to strangers like an old lady on Halloween? processing... processing... oh I see, he probably just REALLY LIKES THE BOOK how keen”

this is what Hawks is up against. this squad of certified morons with two whole brain cells shared among them on a good day. boy literally brought three backup secret messages just in case Endeavor was too dense to figure this out, only to watch these kids exclaim, with perfect sincerity, “GOSH, HAWKS MUST REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK, HUH”

and meanwhile the best Endeavor can do is “............something.......... feels.... off.......” fml. we’re all gonna die. Hawks, I’m sorry. you tried!! next time give Momo your secret message instead!

so now he says that he’s actually recommending this book to all of his acquaintances omg. don’t tell me this handsome canary is actually going around handing out books to every single person he knows?? all to cover up this one action of giving Endeavor the book with the secret message highlighted in it?? okay guys help me decide: is this brilliance or stupidity? like, what is even going on inside Hawks’s head. “I’ll just fly around handing out copies of Atlas Fucking Shrugged to everyone I meet. that’ll seem really natural”

I s2g Endeavor if you don’t follow up on this...! THE WORLD IS COUNTING ON YOU YOU BIG MEATHEAD. GET TO READIN’. MAKE LEVAR PROUD

and now Hawks is flying away with his hands in his pockets

godspeed you dramatically casual bastard

now Deku is all “you know, he’s not much older than us, but he really seems like he’s got his shit together!” which, yeah. don’t you hate that? the truth is though it’s all an act, and he’s actually just as screwed up as the rest of you! the moral is: never trust any 22-year-old who seems like they’ve got their shit together. because, no. he sits on a throne of lies

Endeavor are you actually being thoughtful??!

oh my god. we may actually have a chance here. praise be

now we are cutting to the Endeavor agency! guys, fucking look at this fucking ‘E’, though

ngl that shit is dope. I’m mad. I would buy his merch just for the logo and I hate that about myself

holy shit

the... flaming hot... oh my god

holy shit there’s so many of them

(ETA: hold up -- “Bakugou” and “Shouto”? this is a crucial detail here; they’re using Bakugou’s last name, but Shouto’s given name. so either they’re calling him Shouto because they know his pop, or -- more likely -- they’re calling him “Shouto” because that’s his hero name. in which case, “Bakugou” most likely also refers to “Bakugou” as in the hero name, not his actual name. meaning that still is his hero name. meaning he is still undecided. fucking... Katsuki. honey. why.

ffff and the new databook seems to support this too. instead of a hero name, Horikoshi just wrote “XXX” indicating he still hasn’t made up his mind. welp. looks like it’s back on that slow burn character development train, folks. maybe by the end of this arc, though? please? Horikoshi? Horikoshi damn it look at me.)

so this is how the number one operates, huh. meanwhile All Might only ever had one sidekick, and reluctantly at that. he really was so far out ahead of everyone else that he was basically untouchable. crazy

anyways, yes! they don’t know anything about anything so please teach them!

good grief this girl says Endeavor has over thirty sidekicks?? lmao and her name is “Burnin’.” please tell me the missing g is an actual part of her name please I need this

wow, Burnin’ really went and tried to pick a fight with my famously hot-tempered son knowing full well what his personality is like. and just look at him keeping his cool and firing back though

oh, Katsuki. [hair ruffle] he will thrive here

damn these guys are passionate

Endeavor seriously picked these people as his sidekicks? that Endeavor? they didn’t annoy the shit out of him?? that man is an enigma

btw can we all just stop here for a moment and give a shoutout to this horse-looking dude because. look at him. amazing. new fave

anyway so now the mummy-looking guy is explaining how they organize their shift schedule

so professional. this really is the big leagues

yoooooo my boy is FIRED UP. READY TO SAVE SOME BITCHES! YESSSSS WIN AND RESCUE LET’S DO THIS

LET’S FUCKING GOOOO omg I love him so much. Kacchan you need to cool it or I’m going to spend this whole fucking chapter ruffling your hair

(ETA: incidentally, here’s something I neglected to point out earlier: in spite of being a belligerent asshole in general, Katsuki for the most part is actually surprisingly respectful to most adults, especially heroes. so it’s interesting then that so far, this doesn’t seem to apply to Hawks. he almost seems to consider him another rival rather than another mentor/teacher-type figure to learn from. I wonder if this is because -- as Deku pointed out earlier this chapter -- Hawks is much closer to them in age than the other heroes. it’s interesting that that was pointed out -- and that in the very next panel Katsuki was grumbling about how Hawks pisses him off, at that.

anyway. this BakuHawks rivalry seems to be an established thing now, so I’m very curious to see how this develops.)

lol now Mummy Guy is all “that’s great! now we just need to wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do!” and Kacchan is like “WHAT”

I mean, he’s got a point lol. “we’re so busy!” “great let’s get to work!” “actually we don’t have any work yet!” like, what a fucking tease. don’t worry Kacchan, they’re just waiting to make sure they assign you boys a job that’s plot-related so we don’t waste any time

ahhh, and now we finally come to the moment we’ve all been waiting for! the part that apparently took four hours to translate! ENDEAVOR READING A BOOK

yeah he was acting like he had a freaking gun to his head. why don’t heroes have secret code phrases they can use to let each other know some weird fucking shit is up? or maybe they do, but since he’s being recorded and since PLF has some heroes on roster who probably know those same codes (looking at you, Slidin’), Hawks didn’t want to risk one of them figuring it out. that makes sense

ahhh, here we go

don’t tell me Caleb tried to translate this whole thing. though I gotta admit I am hella curious

anyway. so the rest of this page is Endeavor metaing about Hawks, and it’s some good stuff, ngl

he really is fond of him, huh. look at all those pictures. how many mental snapshots did you take of this kid smiling?? he’s so adopted it hurts

and look at the concern in that last panel! “why is he acting so weird, that’s not like him, I’ve got to get to the bottom of this.” damn, Hawks really did put his trust in the exact right person and it’s paying off

ENDEAVOR STOP MAKING THESE SOFT WORRIED FACES ABOUT HAWKS RIGHT THIS INSTANT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THESE FEELS

god damn!! I don’t know why, but I continue to be surprised and impressed at how the character development of Endeavor is actually a subscribe and save deal and not just a one-time purchase. fucking look at Todoroki Enji, proud annual recipient of a different “world’s worst dad” mug every Father’s Day, actually caring enough about another human being to notice the subtle changes in his behavior and realize something is wrong. bruh. good for you!! human compassion is a damn good look for you, negl. fucking growth right here and I’m here for it

anyways, on to the hidden code!

and here are all of the highlighted portions for your code-breaking pleasure

fucking feel like I’m reading Detective Conan right now. yeesh

oooh!

BINGPOT LOOOOOL WHY DID I GET SO EXCITED OKAY LET ME GO BACK AND READ!

“the” “enemy” “liberation” “army” ahhhhhh! HAWKS YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH. GOOD JOB ENDEAVOR!

and now we’re cutting back to Hawks, nooooo I wanted to see Endeavor’s reaction! come on!

lmao although it’s worth it to see Hawks mentally roasting Endeavor exactly like I was mere pages ago omg

his fucking face omg. that’s right Hawks, he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. he’s a few fries short of a happy meal. the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor

but give him some credit, though! because he did figure it out! not necessarily because he was clever, but because he knows you!

oh shit lol

OH SO YOU PLANNED THAT PART TOO. WELL OKAY THEN

goddamn. he really is a clever bastard. and okay but in all seriousness, I fucking love that he has enough faith in this weird connection between them that out of all the ploys he could have gone with, this is what he chose. he seriously put all his eggs in the “Endeavor will figure it out from my face” basket. and it fucking paid off. this is awesome

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO

LOOK AT HIS EYE OH MY GOD. YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN HE REALIZES HOW SCREWED THEY ALL ARE, YES, FUCK, THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR OH GOD

and we’re cutting back to Hawks again! I’ll just assume the rest of his message went something like “we” “are” “boned” and Endeavor’s face was like :o

BACK AT THE OL’ VILLAIN HOTEL!!!

LOL WHAT IS THIS

THEY HAVE A FUCKING COUNCIL NOW

whose seat is that over on the left? Hawks’s? is Gigantomachia actually wearing a shirt?? AND SHOW US TOMURA’S FACE HORIKOSHI YOU COWARD

lmao oh my god are they really buying this shit

look at him. so trustworthy. nothing to suspect over here! just a 100% sincere born-again villain committed to the cause!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NOOOOOO MY BABIES ARE EXPOSED. HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER PROTECT THEM I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

wow is the whole conversation just shifting over to the topic of Deku now, seriously?

oh my god oh my god oh my god. like. it’s been so long since the forest lodge and Kamino that I almost forgot that the League already knows these kids. they did fight Deku and Shouto briefly in the woods, and then they had an extended fight against Katsuki later on, although Dabi was unconscious for that part. anyways, shit. just like that they’re on their radar again I’m getting chills omgggg

(ETA: at least they’re underestimating them, though. “looks like he hasn’t gotten much stronger.” boy have you not heard about his bloop? that bloop will fuck you up just you wait!)

so now have some weird panels of Hawks walking through a door

(ETA: ohhhh you can see the door closing on the tip of his wing close-up! sneaky!)

ooh! wtf are you serious he can use his feathers to eavesdrop?!

(ETA: it only just clicked on my second read-through that Spinner of all people appears to be the mastermind behind this plan? like, am I reading this right? is he Tomura’s second-in-command now or what? damn, boy, good for you.)

okay, question. if he could do this the entire time, why did they even need him to pretend to join the League at all? I guess you never know when having a man on the inside who can possibly influence their decision-making will come in handy. but still, it seems to me like he could have easily done the spying bit without ever having to join up. ehhh but I guess there’s probably a range limit, and too much risk of the feathers getting caught and destroyed... eh, fine. I’ll allow it

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT EXCUSE ME WHAT?????

AND OF COURSE THAT’S THE END OF THE CHAPTER, LOL, FUCK. EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO STAND IN A CORNER AND SCREAM

lol “danger lurks” fucking you think?? what the hell! so they have an actual plan already, with the details outlined to the extent that they actually have a freaking timetable and everything? and the Liberation Army is on board with this whole thing too? the “destroying everything” part and all? this is too much to process all at once fuck me I can’t

okay! so four months from now is also when the kids will enter their second year! so that means Shinsou can get in on this action too. I’m trying to think of other significant plot things this could potentially imply, but none are coming to mind right now, other than it’ll be the anniversary of USJ. but that’s basically it. -- oh, wait, this also means that there’ll be a new first-year class of students at U.A. too! so that could be interesting. some potential new characters, and a chance for Deku and the others to be senpais. incidentally, to the best of my knowledge the kids will all stay in the same class and Aizawa will continue to be their homeroom teacher in year two. so nothing will change really aside from them becoming 2-A rather than 1-A. and Shinsou joining them, as mentioned. omg

anyway! let me see, any other stray thoughts before I wrap this up? I guess it’s worth noting that Toga’s eye is fine. the League has healed up pretty nicely in general actually. like, that’s seriously impressive for a group that doesn’t have Recovery Girl on staff. how long has it even been since Deika? a few weeks? this is almost ridiculous

and the “boom” -- is that literal? like they’re actually planning to blow everything up? or is that a metaphorical boom. fucking what kind of plan did they come up with where they actually think they can destroy THE ENTIRETY OF JAPAN all at once? is there a doomsday device?? what exactly is this “power” they’re talking about? HAWKS WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR STUPID MESSAGE YOU BOOB

hahaha. anyways. it came down to the last two pages, but that certainly was a reveal worthy of all the hype. to sum: yikes

[argylemnwrites]

Not My First Choice

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x MC (Cassie Vanderfield)

Book: Open Heart (~1.5 years after the end of Book 1)

Word Count: ~1400

Rating: PG

Summary: Bryce reveals a surprising fact about his past preferences while he and Cassie are teaching some medical students.

Author’s Note: Written for Day 29 of the Choices September Challenge (prompt - Disappointment).

For those that are curious, in the US medical students find out where they will be completing residency through a process called the Match. Students submit lists with their preference for programs where they interviewed, programs submit lists with their preference of the students they interviewed, and a computer algorithm “matches” applicants and programs. All the students find out where they are going on the same day, called Match Day, and most medical schools have a ceremony on that day with unique traditions.

The fourth year med students were frantic. It was one week before rank lists were due, one week before they had to finalize and certify their preferences for residency programs, something that would determine where they would spend the next three to seven years of their training. Cassie could practically feel the tension radiating from the dozens of fourth years when she walked into the classroom, a couple of Tupperware containers tucked under her arm.

A few weeks ago, Cassie had agreed to co-run a suturing workshop for the med students currently enrolled in Capstone, serving as a refresher on some technical skills prior to the start of their intern year in a few shorts months. She was on an elective, so when her program director sent out an email looking for a volunteer from internal med, she’d responded right way. Procedures weren’t exactly her favorite thing in the world, but she did love suturing, always picking up the lacerations during her blocks in the ED. Plus, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to get better at teaching. She had matched for her diagnostics fellowship at Edenbrook, and nearly three years of working with Ethan Ramsey made it clear to her that she should be the one handling most of the teaching responsibilities for their department.

So, here she was, prepared to go over some basic suturing techniques with medical students. Well, her and a gen surg resident. But she was the only resident there at that point, and she didn’t see any reason to wait for someone who may or may not show up, so she called the med students over, handing out the gelatinous models, sutures, needle drivers, and pick ups. The surgical resident was supposed to bring raw chicken for them to practice on as well, but if they didn’t arrive, they would just have to make do with the models.

As Cassie demonstrated the proper size bite to take to a group of students who were hoping to match in peds, the door burst open and in walked Bryce, several grocery bags in his arms.

“Sorry I’m late, you guys. I’m Bryce, your surgical resident; aka the doctor here with actual, real suturing experience,” he called out throwing a wink towards Cassie in the process. “I would have been here sooner, but the lines at Market Basket were way too long. Just give me a couple of minutes to get set up, and then those of you who want to work with real tissue, not that weird crap, can give the chicken a shot.”

Cassie finished up her quick demonstration of a simple stitch, then wandered over to see if Bryce needed any help getting his materials set up. She placed a hand gently on his back, careful not to startle him since he was holding a scalpel.

“This is quite the surprise. Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna be my co-teacher?”

Bryce glanced over at her, throwing her a grin before he got back to the task at hand, slicing lacerations into the chicken breasts for the students to sew up, “I wasn’t supposed to be, but Brittany was in the OR until 4 am last night, so I said I could take care of this while she crashed in a call room. Help me dole out the raw meat?”

As the two of them worked with the students, showing a variety of stitches and with Bryce tossing out the occasional quip about internal med not having enough suturing experience to truly teach, the conversation naturally gravitated to rank lists and Match Day. The students were all anxious, trying to make last minute decisions about how to rank all the programs where they interviewed. Soon, many of the students had all but given up any pretense of caring about practicing suturing, instead pulling out laptops and undoubtedly logging on to edit rank lists.

Cassie felt obligated to redirect them, to refocus them on the task at hand, “Hey now, there’s no point agonizing over your rankings. Something like 75% of applicants match at one of their top three programs, and I can guarantee you all have two or three favorites. I’m guessing most of you will be happy at any of them.”

“And if you don’t get into your top three choices, don’t sweat it. Plenty of good doctors drop further down their rank list, depending on specialty,” Bryce chimed in.

“Are you speaking from experience, Dr. Lahela?” Cassie teased, elbowing Bryce gently. She was shocked when he was silent for a few moments before he responded.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Cassie tried to keep her shock off her face, but she felt her eyebrows fly up before she could fully control her facial expression. She’d always just assumed that Bryce had ranked Edenbrook highly. She opened her mouth, a million questions ready to pour out, but Bryce caught her eye and shook his head slightly. Cassie nodded. Her curiosity could wait 30 minutes.

And so, she focused on giving feedback on simple interrupted and vertical mattress sutures, correcting use of needle drivers, and teaching how to do an instrument tie. As the med students dropped their used needles in the sharps container, thanking her and Bryce on their way out, Cassie gathered up the tissue models. Walking over to the side of the room, she started loading them into the Tupperware. She could hear Bryce cleaning up behind her, tossing the raw chicken breasts into the trash and washing down the tables and his hands. Eventually, he came up beside her, tossing the unused sutures into the Tupperware as well. 

“Go ahead.”

Cassie looked at Bryce. He was avoiding her eyes, instead looking at the packets of Vicryl he’d just dumped into her containers. “I didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject, Bryce. I never would have teased you if I’d known, especially in front of the students.”

He shrugged, “It’s not a big deal. Surgical match is a lot harder than internal med, so it makes sense your experience was different than mine. Where did you rank Edenbook?”

“It was my number one. Can I ask where you ranked it?”

Bryce paused for just a brief moment, but then he answered clearly and calmly, “Sixth.”

A wave of emotions washed over Cassie. Bryce had wanted to be at five other hospitals before Edenbrook. If Match had gone any better for him, they never would have met. As she tried to come up with the appropriate response, Bryce finally looked at her. He must have seen something in her face that reflected her concern, because he said, “Oh come on, don’t be like that. It was hardly a disappointment. I would have been happy at any of the programs in my top eight. If I’m being honest, the thought of Boston winters probably dropped Edenbrook a couple of slots, so nowhere near as big a deal as you think it is. Come on, let’s get this shit back to the med ed office.”

Bryce grabbed two of the containers, leaving Cassie just one to carry. She flipped the switches, killing the light in the classroom as Bryce stood against the door, holding it open for her. 

“Do you regret that you matched here?” She had to ask the question as they walked toward the elevators.

Bryce smiled and shook his head. “Not for a second,” he responded, bumping his hip lightly against hers.

Cassie let out a small sigh of relief. She didn’t want to be selfish, but the thought that Bryce and her might have never met if things had objectively been better for him with the Match, well it was unsettling. But Bryce was the type to make the best of any situation, and if he was happy with how things had worked out, who was she to question that?

“You wanna grab dinner at that new Thai place tonight?” Bryce asked as Cassie pushed the elevator call button, clearly not interested in dwelling on the past and what ifs. Honestly, it was one of the things that Cassie loved about him. And while he may not have had the greatest luck on Match Day, she liked to think that they’d both gotten pretty lucky finding each other.

Tags: @choicesseptemberchallenge  @mfackenthal @lilyofchoices @thequeenchoices @octobereighth @feartheendlesssummer @tallulahshh @fortunatelywaywardsandwich @dreaming-of-movies @choicesarehard @universallypizzataco @omgjasminesimone @srta-give-me-my-jax-rl

[should-be-sleeping]

Stuff & Things

It’s been about 6 months since I’ve had a computer, about a year since I’ve had a good computer, and typing on my phone in any significant amount is obnoxious so... a lot has happened that’s not made it’s way here. (Read more below the cut.)

First, we’ve finally moved with the help of a dear friend! Into a townhouse closer to The City. Two stories rather than one has been an adjustment, but The Kid loves it. We’ve an impossible amount of Things and Stuff we’ll have to slowly widdle down to a more reasonable amount because this place is smaller than the last (2 bd, 1.5 bath vs 3 bd, 2 bath w/ garage), and that’s what occupies most of my time atm. Unpacking + sorting + balancing health. We’ve already donated so, so much to charity. There’s still a lot to go. The neighborhood is nice, there’s a park a block away near a creek and lots of green space and wildlife (there is a toad? who lives beneath our kitchen window?!). There’s also a library right beside the park! Best is that The Kid gets to stay in his old school (finding a place in his district was paramount), where he’s thriving academically, and even gets to keep the same morning bus driver which made the transition a little easier. Though half-days for teacher conferences and then a week off for Thanksgiving immediately after we moved did not. There are some drawbacks, a few things we didn’t realize before signing the lease that are kinda meh (like the living room layout has no place for a tv???), and it’s really really very cold (large single pane windows throughout), but altogether I’m glad to have relocated in general. We’ll improvise, and throw some curtains at it. And now for something completely different a health update! So after suffering for years with neck/shoulder/migraine pain and being blown off by my old doctor after 6 sessions of physical therapy didn’t work as if there was literally no choices beyond PT, and given a diagnosis of peripheral neuropathy with 0 treatment options by my old-old doctor, my current doctor ordered new x-rays (because so terrible was my old doctor, they wouldn’t even forward over my medical records when asked by my new physician’s office) which revealed A Problem. My old doctor had also ordered x-rays but reacted as if they were fine? Essentially prescribed physical therapy and spoke no more of it. But it’s not even a small problem. It’s a pretty big one? One that should have been caught sooner and actually treated? Like. A not insignificant part of my present day constant pain might have been avoided? At least lessened? Backstory time. My old-old doctor was also bad (not an uncommon experience for women, sadly) and when I first presented with neurological symptoms of “my hands and feet are always cold, even when they are not cold to the touch, they feel like they are always in ice water” in like 1999 I was basically told I was probably just cold. It physically hurt all of the time but once a doctor said it was nothing, everyone just insisted it must actually be nothing. Like, I wasn’t an adult yet, and my distress about the problem was definitely downplayed because of my age. Young people are too young to have medical problems! Duh. Fast forward a decade and by then my hands and feet mostly felt numb, but sometimes painfully cold because it felt like frostbite if I felt anything at all. About once a year I’d get this intense pain in my neck/shoulders but by the time I could actually get in to my doctor’s office it was “better.” My doctor referred me for the nerve conduction test (EMG) after my insistence (this is a painful test in which needles and inserted into your skin and electricity is passed through them and measured, essentially). When I showed up for the EMG at the hospital, I was asked why someone my age needed an EMG. I said that my hands and feet felt cold and/or numb regardless of temperature. They had me stand in a bucket of hot hot hot water for 10 minutes to “warm up” my feet. After 10 minutes, they were still cold to the touch. “Well, it’s winter, so...” I argued it was like that regardless of season but it wasn’t taken seriously. Everyone thought the EMG results would come back normal. But they didn’t. I was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in my hands AND my feet after the EMG showed moderate to significant delays between the signals sent from my hands/feet to my brain and back. They wanted a follow-up but so casual about the problem were they, that it wasn’t going to be scheduled for a year out. I had shit to do, man. A life to live. Then I moved 3000 miles away and got an even worse doctor through my shifty insurance, which I didn’t realize at first because they at least prescribed me something for the previous diagnosis. Even after the diagnosis my old-old doctor offered no solutions. The nerve damage was done, oh well I guess. But the offered treatment was only helping one facet of a multifaceted problem and I found myself being blown-off again. “It sometimes feels like my bones are grinding.” No one listens. So what is happening? Well. Sometimes my bones are grinding! Specifically my spine. I could tell bone pain from muscle pain. Wild fucking concept, I know. But wait, there’s more! Basically the entirety of my cervical vertebrae are fucked, fun! And the fuckening has been progressive and ongoing, all this time. c6-c7 is particularly Fucked with a capital F. We’re talking bone spurs and herniated discs and pinched nerves, we’re talking degenerative, untreated spinal arthritis. We’re talking neurosurgeons and spinal surgery. Which yeah, is gd whacky in a person my age even now, but probably began nearly 2 decades ago, when I first said, “I don’t feel so well. It’s almost as if my bones are grinding against each other and causing nerve damage or something but idk I just live in here.” If they do nothing, it’ll just continue getting worse and I’ll probably experience paralysis. So, beginning of January I go in for a Cervical Medial Branch Block. Then we go from there. My medical team doesn’t want to be spooky but treating this conservatively isn’t really an option anymore, since every doctor up until now has been wildly negligent in my care. It should have been treated conservatively in 1999. We’re way beyond that now. Also, as you’ve undoubtedly seen, heart monitoring! I had an electro that revealed right-axis deviation (not uncommon in people with sleep apnea, but not healthy) but otherwise normal readings, followed by an echo which revealed 3 of 4 valves are leaky but not dangerously so and there’s no malformations as far as they could see (apparently I have obfuscation tits) so they wanted a 48 hours nonstop electro performed with a mobile monitoring system. Results of that will be in in 7-14 days. I suspect it’ll be mostly an uneventful read but they’ll find “something” when I sleep (common in sleep apnea) and something that comes at random during waking hours (sometimes my heart just gets excited like a dog who heard the word “walk” even though no leash is present). In any case, I am confident it’s not life threatening, especially if treated you know, in a timely, reasonable manner.

[tezla7]

Greta Thunberg speech to MPs at UK Parliament Tue 23rd Apr

My name is Greta Thunberg. I am 16 years old. I come from Sweden. And I speak on behalf of future generations.

I know many of you don’t want to listen to us – you say we are just children. But we’re only repeating the message of the united climate science.

Many of you appear concerned that we are wasting valuable lesson time, but I assure you we will go back to school the moment you start listening to science and give us a future. Is that really too much to ask?

In the year 2030 I will be 26 years old. My little sister Beata will be 23. Just like many of your own children or grandchildren. That is a great age, we have been told. When you have all of your life ahead of you. But I am not so sure it will be that great for us.

I was fortunate to be born in a time and place where everyone told us to dream big; I could become whatever I wanted to. I could live wherever I wanted to. People like me had everything we needed and more. Things our grandparents could not even dream of. We had everything we could ever wish for and yet now we may have nothing.

Now we probably don’t even have a future any more.

Because that future was sold so that a small number of people could make unimaginable amounts of money. It was stolen from us every time you said that the sky was the limit, and that you only live once.

You lied to us. You gave us false hope. You told us that the future was something to look forward to. And the saddest thing is that most children are not even aware of the fate that awaits us. We will not understand it until it’s too late. And yet we are the lucky ones. Those who will be affected the hardest are already suffering the consequences. But their voices are not heard.

Is my microphone on? Can you hear me?

Around the year 2030, 10 years 252 days and 10 hours away from now, we will be in a position where we set off an irreversible chain reaction beyond human control, that will most likely lead to the end of our civilisation as we know it. That is unless in that time, permanent and unprecedented changes in all aspects of society have taken place, including a reduction of CO2 emissions by at least 50%.

And please note that these calculations are depending on inventions that have not yet been invented at scale, inventions that are supposed to clear the atmosphere of astronomical amounts of carbon dioxide.

Furthermore, these calculations do not include unforeseen tipping points and feedback loops like the extremely powerful methane gas escaping from rapidly thawing arctic permafrost.

Nor do these scientific calculations include already locked-in warming hidden by toxic air pollution. Nor the aspect of equity – or climate justice – clearly stated throughout the Paris agreement, which is absolutely necessary to make it work on a global scale.

We must also bear in mind that these are just calculations. Estimations. That means that these “points of no return” may occur a bit sooner or later than 2030. No one can know for sure. We can, however, be certain that they will occur approximately in these timeframes, because these calculations are not opinions or wild guesses.

These projections are backed up by scientific facts, concluded by all nations through the IPCC. Nearly every single major national scientific body around the world unreservedly supports the work and findings of the IPCC.

Did you hear what I just said? Is my English OK? Is the microphone on? Because I’m beginning to wonder.

During the last six months I have travelled around Europe for hundreds of hours in trains, electric cars and buses, repeating these life-changing words over and over again. But no one seems to be talking about it, and nothing has changed. In fact, the emissions are still rising.

When I have been travelling around to speak in different countries, I am always offered help to write about the specific climate policies in specific countries. But that is not really necessary. Because the basic problem is the same everywhere. And the basic problem is that basically nothing is being done to halt – or even slow – climate and ecological breakdown, despite all the beautiful words and promises.

The UK is, however, very special. Not only for its mind-blowing historical carbon debt, but also for its current, very creative, carbon accounting.

Since 1990 the UK has achieved a 37% reduction of its territorial CO2 emissions, according to the Global Carbon Project. And that does sound very impressive. But these numbers do not include emissions from aviation, shipping and those associated with imports and exports. If these numbers are included the reduction is around 10% since 1990 – or an an average of 0.4% a year, according to Tyndall Manchester.

And the main reason for this reduction is not a consequence of climate policies, but rather a 2001 EU directive on air quality that essentially forced the UK to close down its very old and extremely dirty coal power plants and replace them with less dirty gas power stations. And switching from one disastrous energy source to a slightly less disastrous one will of course result in a lowering of emissions.

But perhaps the most dangerous misconception about the climate crisis is that we have to “lower” our emissions. Because that is far from enough. Our emissions have to stop if we are to stay below 1.5-2C of warming. The “lowering of emissions” is of course necessary but it is only the beginning of a fast process that must lead to a stop within a couple of decades, or less. And by “stop” I mean net zero – and then quickly on to negative figures. That rules out most of today’s politics.

The fact that we are speaking of “lowering” instead of “stopping” emissions is perhaps the greatest force behind the continuing business as usual. The UK’s active current support of new exploitation of fossil fuels – for example, the UK shale gas fracking industry, the expansion of its North Sea oil and gas fields, the expansion of airports as well as the planning permission for a brand new coal mine – is beyond absurd.

This ongoing irresponsible behaviour will no doubt be remembered in history as one of the greatest failures of humankind.

People always tell me and the other millions of school strikers that we should be proud of ourselves for what we have accomplished. But the only thing that we need to look at is the emission curve. And I’m sorry, but it’s still rising. That curve is the only thing we should look at.

Every time we make a decision we should ask ourselves; how will this decision affect that curve? We should no longer measure our wealth and success in the graph that shows economic growth, but in the curve that shows the emissions of greenhouse gases. We should no longer only ask: “Have we got enough money to go through with this?” but also: “Have we got enough of the carbon budget to spare to go through with this?” That should and must become the centre of our new currency.

Many people say that we don’t have any solutions to the climate crisis. And they are right. Because how could we? How do you “solve” the greatest crisis that humanity has ever faced? How do you “solve” a war? How do you “solve” going to the moon for the first time? How do you “solve” inventing new inventions?

The climate crisis is both the easiest and the hardest issue we have ever faced. The easiest because we know what we must do. We must stop the emissions of greenhouse gases. The hardest because our current economics are still totally dependent on burning fossil fuels, and thereby destroying ecosystems in order to create everlasting economic growth.

“So, exactly how do we solve that?” you ask us – the schoolchildren striking for the climate.

And we say: “No one knows for sure. But we have to stop burning fossil fuels and restore nature and many other things that we may not have quite figured out yet.”

Then you say: “That’s not an answer!”

So we say: “We have to start treating the crisis like a crisis – and act even if we don’t have all the solutions.”

“That’s still not an answer,” you say.

Then we start talking about circular economy and rewilding nature and the need for a just transition. Then you don’t understand what we are talking about.

We say that all those solutions needed are not known to anyone and therefore we must unite behind the science and find them together along the way. But you do not listen to that. Because those answers are for solving a crisis that most of you don’t even fully understand. Or don’t want to understand.

You don’t listen to the science because you are only interested in solutions that will enable you to carry on like before. Like now. And those answers don’t exist any more. Because you did not act in time.

Avoiding climate breakdown will require cathedral thinking. We must lay the foundation while we may not know exactly how to build the ceiling.

Sometimes we just simply have to find a way. The moment we decide to fulfil something, we can do anything. And I’m sure that the moment we start behaving as if we were in an emergency, we can avoid climate and ecological catastrophe. Humans are very adaptable: we can still fix this. But the opportunity to do so will not last for long. We must start today. We have no more excuses.

We children are not sacrificing our education and our childhood for you to tell us what you consider is politically possible in the society that you have created. We have not taken to the streets for you to take selfies with us, and tell us that you really admire what we do.

We children are doing this to wake the adults up. We children are doing this for you to put your differences aside and start acting as you would in a crisis. We children are doing this because we want our hopes and dreams back.

I hope my microphone was on. I hope you could all hear me.

[billehrman]

Dodged One Bullet, But More Remain

We were pleasantly surprised that Trump tweeted Friday night that the U.S. and Mexico had reached a last-minute deal on immigration to avoid tariffs that would have begun Monday. While that removes any risk to the all-important supply line between our countries and Canada, we remain concerned that Trump believes that tariffs are the right path to resolve long-term conflicts with friends and foes. Unfortunately, Trump may well take his apparent success with Mexico as proof that tariffs work. Herein lies huge risks for Trump when negotiating with China, the Eurozone and Japan. Trump is too impulsive and does not sufficiently consider the overall risks of his strategy by threatening the party on the other side of the table. There are no real winners and lots of losers. Yes, the United States has less to lose but is that a real victory? While tariffs may be initially inflationary, once the supply chains are moved, prices will come down once again and may be deflationary in the end.

How many times have we mentioned how difficult it is investing in VUCA environment where there is excessive volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity? Most everyone has become traders, changing their positions based on the most recent soundbites. Just look at what occurred last week when our market had the strongest advance in a year despite everyone turning even more bearish just a week ago based on prospective tariffs with Mexico.

What changed overnight to cause such a violent market reversal last Tuesday? Market participants finally concluded that our economy had weakened sufficiently to push the Federal Reserve to cut rates sooner rather than later. While we have long stated that the Fed Reserve should at least take back their December hike as inflation was continuing to run well beneath their 2% target, we also adjusted our growth forecast down substantially several weeks ago as the spring rebound simply failed to materialize. And then we factored in the risks of escalating trade conflicts on our overall assessment of the global economy. While we were growing more concerned about global growth, it was clear to us that Fed action would go a long way to stabilizing our economy at a minimum boosting business/consumer confidence knowing that the Fed was their friend with monetary policy to their backs. It is very hard being bearish in this environment. Remember we still expect Trump to do everything in his power to stimulate growth as we enter 2020 attempting to boost the stock market too going into elections so that he may win. Maybe he is as sly as a cat taking his hits now so that things turn around next year before elections.

We continued to adjust our portfolios over the last few weeks to reflect less economic growth here and abroad; the Fed cutting rates at least once in the second half of the year; and the risks of escalating trade conflicts. There are cross currents everywhere so we created a portfolio that will survive/thrive no matter what happens. Not easy, but we do not want to get whipsawed in this environment. Remember the impact of Trump’s tweets breaking off trade negotiations with China? How about the one threatening tariffs against Mexico unless the immigration issue was resolved? Now it is resolved a week later. If you sold last Monday, you may feel awfully foolish today. What happens if Presidents Trump and Xi reach a ceasefire on added tariffs and open talks once again in a few weeks when they meet? And what if they don’t and the tariff war escalates? That’s what we are dealing with today. So, we sold calls around our core holding giving us 8% upside (plus dividends) with an equal amount of downside protection over the next four months. We also kept the flexibility to adjust the spreads based on future data points and market action. Even though we had this portfolio protection on this past week, we still outperformed the averages when including the decline last Monday. And we moved up the spread later in the week giving us more upside as the market gained along with continued downside protection.

Our current view remains that growth in the U.S., China, Europe, Japan as well as in the emerging market is slowing. The Fed and Bank of China still have some bullets left in their holsters to stimulate growth but not so in the Eurozone and Japan. Let’s look at the most recent data points to support or not our current view.

1.) Economic data reported last week continued to show an economy slowing down meaningfully: the ISM manufacturing index fell to 52.1 in May, the lowest reading since October, 2016; the ISM production gauge fell to 51.3, the lowest level since August, 2016; supplier deliveries fell to 52; U.S. construction spending was flat despite a big gain in government spending; the U.S. Manufacturing Purchasing Managers’ Index fell to 50.5, the lowest level since September, 2009; factory orders declined 0.8% after a downward revision to the previous month; the trade gap narrowed in April to $50.8 billion as both exports and imports fell(lower Boeing sales is hurting exports); worker productivity was revised downward slightly to 1 3.4% increase(still pretty good); April wholesale inventories were revised slightly higher while sales dropped so the inventory/sales ratio rose; and finally U.S. May nonfarm payrolls increased by only 75,000 despite sharp downside revisions to the prior two months payroll growth. Wage gains cooled too with hourly earnings climbing 3.1% from year ago.

On the other hand, the non-manufacturing sector continued to grow in May for the 112th consecutive month: the business activity index was at 61.2; the new orders index was at 58.6 and the employment index was at 58.1 While growth remained strong, it is leveling out at these levels. The Fed Beige Book revealed continued modest growth in April and May with growing concerns over trade policy.

We do not expect the Fed to change rates at their June 18-19th meeting but will cut rates in July for sure unless Trump/Xi reach a ceasefire at their meeting at the end of June. If so, the Fed may wait an additional few months to see if growth benefits from a ceasefire/deal. We think a ceasefire is highly likely at this time as the alternative to both economies is not good no matter what each side may say. Both sides need a deal to bolster business/consumer confidence and economic growth.

We continue to expect 2nd quarter real GNP to come in around 1.5% followed by 2% growth for the rest of the year led by strong consumer demand. The Fed is likely to lower rates twice this year unless the U.S. and China reach a ceasefire. If so, we would expect only one cut in rates. We remain optimistic that growth will accelerate in 2020 as Trump pulls out all stops.

2.) Growth in China has continued to slow in the second quarter as businesses/consumers are negatively impacted by escalating trade conflicts. China says on one hand that it has lots of policy room if trade wars worsen but the government has clearly softened its criticism of the United States at the same time making noises that it wants to negotiate a deal through dialogue and consultation. It is interesting to note that both President Xi and Trump continue to say good things about each other. We would not be surprised to see a cease fire on additional tariffs announced when they meet at the G-20 later this month. 

3.) The European economy continues to weaken as Germany industrial output plunges. We would be surprised if economic growth reaches 1% in Europe this year down from an initial forecast of 1.8% just 6 months ago. European inflation continues to drop and was up 1.2% in May with core inflation up only 0.8% as compared to 1.7% and 1.3%, respectively, a month ago. How much more can the ECB do? Nada! Don’t look for Europe to reach a trade deal with the U.S. unless agriculture is included. Not likely. And what will happen with Brexit? The picture for the Eurozone remains poor.

4.) The economic environment in Japan is worsening too, despite a slight increase in the coincident index of business conditions in April. It is time that the government officially drop its plan to increase the consumption tax to 10% in October from 8% currently. Japan desperately needs the U.S. and China to reach a trade deal followed by Japan reaching one with the U.S..

The bottom line is that global growth is continuing to slow. While the United States dodged a bullet no longer threatening tariffs against Mexico, trade conflicts still exist with China, the Eurozone and Japan. No one knows for sure what will happen when Presidents’ Trump and Xi meet the end of the month. We remain hopeful that they will agree to begin negotiations once again postponing any additional tariffs. At a minimum, corporations will continue to move more and more production out of China to even lower cost areas. We remain optimistic that the U.S. and Japan will reach a trade deal but it won’t be meaningful enough to move the needle on either country’s growth rate. Finally, we continue to doubt that the U.S. and Europe will reach a trade deal unless agriculture is included. Will Trump put tariffs on European autos?  It is doubtful as it would negatively impact our economy in 2020.

There is no place like home.

We have concentrated our investments in companies whose businesses won’t meaningfully be impacted by tariffs. Each company that we own has superior management; business strategies that will win in a globally competitive environment; improving volume, revenues, operating income, cash flow and free cash flow; dividends above the 10-year treasury rate and large share buybacks. Finally, each one sells well beneath its intrinsic value especially with yields so low.

Our portfolios are concentrated in healthcare; technology, housing related, cable with content, consumer; industrials and capital goods; some financials and many special situations. We are flat the dollar and own no bonds although we would expect the dollar to weaken and the yield curve to steepen once the Fed lowered rates and/or trade deals are reached. We have written calls against a good part of our portfolio offering our accounts 8+% percent upside and an equal amount of downside protection over the next four months.

Remember to review the facts; pause, reflect and consider mindset shifts; look at your asset composition and risk controls; do independent research and…

Invest Accordingly!

Bill Ehrman Paix et Prospérité LLC

[cno-inbminor]

adsentio - the masque

a/n: it’s royalty!au once again! i would recommend reading adsentio AND bonus letters for the full context. thank you to those who were waiting patiently! did i rewatch ‘ever after: a cinderella story’ for inspiration? of course. 

genre: royalty!au ft. fem!reader, angst, fluff; warnings: terribly written sword fight, somewhat unedited.

summary: You’re starting to wonder if an impostor wrote those letters instead of Prince Akaashi, but the show must go on. 

wc: ~7.4k

royalty!au: adsentio (pt. 1) | bonus letters (pt 1.5) | the masque (pt. 2)

“Are you sure everything is packed?”

“Yes, mother,” you reply, voice laced with exasperation.

“Is your dress for the ceremony there as well? We absolutely cannot leave without that gown!”

“Yes, mother, it’s in there,” you reassure, pointing to a trunk that’s already in the carriage. An audible sigh of relief leaves your mother’s lips. Even though your mother’s fretting was starting to grate at your last nerves, you still felt the excitement of going back to the Fukurodani Kingdom.

After all, Prince Akaashi is waiting for you.

Akaashi’s Christmas gift had come a month and a half before the holiday it was intended for. Soon after, the two of you agreed to refrain from sending any letters during the months of frost, wanting to lessen the burden on the delivery man. He needed to be home with his family when possible, and the journey could be treacherous during those times. As warmer weather rolled around in mid-March, his familiar face had arrived at your castle steps with a small bundle of letters tied with parcel string. They were all addressed to you in a handwriting that you had grown extremely fond of.

If it were up to you, you would be adorned in your most comfortable riding attire and charge full speed ahead. You would probably be able to cut the journey time by about a third, and though it wasn’t much, it would still mean that you would see Akaashi sooner. With how forward he was in his letters, you could only bubble with enthusiasm at how different this summer could be.

Nevertheless, time passes as it does, and you’re once again at the entrance of Fukurodani’s castle. As always, the king and queen stand side by side at the bottom of the steps, the prince standing politely by them. It seems that Prince Akaashi has only grown more handsome since last summer. If you had to guess, he would be more than a full head taller than you. Besides height, Akaashi’s face seems to have lost any remaining baby fat, leaving nothing but a pointed chin and a sharp jawline. Whether or not it be a result of your newfound attraction towards him, there’s no room to deny just how handsome he truly is, bordering on ethereal beauty.

His piercing blue orbs seem to sparkle in delight when you step out of the carriage. In fact, he’s quick to take place of their usual footman and hold out a hand for you to grasp, securely ensuring that you don’t lose your step. Your grip is tight, and you can only hope that he sees the joy reflected in your own eyes. With intention and purpose, he presses his lips to the back of your hand, needing no reminder from his mother this time, and never removes his gaze from yours. Your breath seems to have escaped your lungs, even more so when he straightens and takes one daring step closer to you. Both of your parents must be brimming with satisfaction at this interaction, but all of it is ignored and disregarded. Akaashi still keeps your hand in his as he slightly leans down to whisper in your ear.

“You look beautiful as always, Princess (y/n).”

Your title had always moderately annoyed you over the last 18 years, but you decide then and there that there would be no complaint if he addressed you as so for the rest of eternity. Furthermore, if it weren’t for your dignity and pride, you would kiss him right now in front of everyone. As he pulls away, you do your best to compose yourself. After all, two can play this game.

“Thank you, Your Highness. You’ve grown more handsome since I last saw you.”

“Have we returned to formalities again?”

“Please forgive my old habits, Prince Akaashi.”

“(Y/n),” he murmurs darkly, metallic blue eyes full of warning and mischief. “Need I remind you of my given name?”

You register the tightening of his grip. Don’t even dare, his eyes seem to caution, not when so much progress was made through paper and ink. But you know he will rise to a challenge for his desires when he sees one – it’s only in his nature.

“Perhaps I need a reason to address you as such,” you quip, watching his eyes flash with an emotion you are unable to pinpoint. Nevertheless, you remove your hand from his, ignoring the yearning for the warmth that he had provided. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must greet the king and queen or they’ll have my head.”

Akaashi only watches with longing as you trek away to curtsy before his parents. Could your birthday celebration come any sooner?

-

You’re beginning to think that someone other than Prince Akaashi wrote those letters to you, that someone else had just forged his handwriting to a tee and perfectly replicated his writing style. Since the little interaction between you two on the day of your arrival, Akaashi was acting as if this were any other summer. Very little was said to or done with you – even last summer, the two of you had often strolled through the gardens while discussing various topics. Yet now, it was five summers ago all over again: the two of you at opposite ends of the castle reading your desired books.

You only ever saw him during mealtimes or in passing – even then, he would simply nod in your direction or only speak to you when he had to. Your efforts to narrow the gap diminished significantly by the third day, and by the end of the first week, you decided to completely give up. The prince has constructed a wall between you two and you possessed no ability to strike it down.

On days you weren’t reading, out of boredom and the need to fill your mind with thoughts of anything other than Akaashi, you would help prepare for the ball and your coming-of-age celebration. A private, proper ceremony would be done in your own kingdom once you returned, but it had long been determined that the festivities would be held here. Invitations and RSVP’s had steadily increased over the months, indicating that this would be a grand occasion. All the lessons on design and party-arrangement were finally paying off in its fullest, but your mother could not ignore the lack of life in your eyes.

It’s two weeks before the ball – you’re currently sitting in your chambers, lounging in a chair on your balcony with a book in your lap. You’ve recently taken an interest in philosophy, first starting with the works of Aristotle and Plato. A faint rap of knuckles on your door breaks your focus. “Come in,” you call out loud enough for your visitor to hear. The door clicks open and shut, and you’re mildly surprised to see your mother turning the corner to search for you.

“Mother, what a surprise,” you express while standing. She pulls you in for a hug without a word, only confusing you in the process as you return the embrace. After removing herself, she guides you back inside until the two of you are sitting on the edge of your bed, still holding your hands.

“Something has been bothering you, my child. Is there something you wish to tell me?” Your mother doesn’t want to push – she knows of the letters, your developed affection for Akaashi, and the lack of interaction between the two of you this summer. It’s hard to miss the lack of your figure by his side when he’s wondering around the castle, the ever pensive, calculating look on his face never fading. It’s hard to miss the way you often pick at your food, even going as far to request smaller portions for all your meals.

But it’s even harder to ignore the worried look in the prince’s eyes that’s cast your way when you excuse yourself after every meal, leaving earlier than everyone else.

You can only sigh before your teeth begin to gently gnaw on your bottom lip. “Mother, how angry would you be if this engagement doesn’t proceed as you’ve planned?”

“To be quite honest,” she begins as a small smile forms on her face. “I wouldn’t be angry at all. Not if the cost of it was your happiness.”

“But what about the merger?”

“With all these years between our kingdoms, engagement or not, a merger of sorts would only be inevitable. We only hoped that naturally, you and the prince would be drawn towards each other. But to force the two of you together would be unfair – your father and mine, as well as his parents, main concern is the happiness of our children.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course,” your mother emphasizes, a hand reaching up to cradle your cheek. “In fact, if you would like…

“We don’t have to come here next summer.”

Your eyes widen. Your mother was giving you a choice in this?

“Are you...sure?”

“I’m absolutely positive, (y/n). I will not force you and neither will your father, especially if forcing you would only make your pain greater.”

“Very well then, mother. We shall see.”

“Keep your chin up, my dear. We must keep you in your best shape for the ball, and…” she pauses, her smile turning somewhat mischievous. “Perhaps remind the prince that he should be properly courting you by now.”

“Mother!”

-

“Is it proper for a princess to be sparring?”

“Bokuto, you’ve known me for so many years, yet you still ask me this question every time. Do you really think my father would allow me to marry without knowing how to defend myself?”  

“I can’t really say, Princess. At least, not without possibly offending the king.”

Every summer, you make it tradition to leave time for sparring. When you turned fourteen, many of the younger guards in training had been terrified of practicing with you, fearing that they’d be punished for engaging in behavior that could possibly harm the princess. But after much coaxing and convincing (as well as written promise from King Akaashi), they finally felt comfortable in sparring with you. Back at home, you had a few designated training partners from the royal guard, but it would do no good if you didn’t keep up with your skills.

You’ve won your fair share, as well as lost a few handfuls. But you were never a sore loser and only thanked your partner for their time, even asking for pointers. On a few occasions, you would duel with Akaashi, though for times when you were at an advantage, you would purposely lose. The prince needed faith and trust from his men, and many would be dimwitted enough to let a few losses to a woman diminish their view of him. Akaashi was very well aware of your generosity, as well as Bokuto, which only caused him to tease the prince relentlessly in private.

For the sixth time this summer, just one week before the masque, you had pleaded with Bokuto for his time. At this point, you prefer to not ask for anything from Akaashi, especially when you’re so obviously kept at arm’s length. Bokuto is much more agreeable and doesn’t treat you like a glass figurine, thanks to the many years of roughhousing during your childhoods. He isn’t afraid to use his full force behind the strikes of his sword and you could always guarantee a few good rounds from him. Additionally, he always offers a lot of good advice after each duel. When you incorporate his teachings into your skill set, he recognizes it immediately and howls with pride, praising himself for being such a wonderful instructor.

“Why haven’t you asked Akaashi to spar with you yet?” Bokuto asks while tightening his gloves. The training grounds are empty at this time, though to be fair, it’s still quite early in the morning. You wanted to spar comfortably without the overbearing heat of the summer afternoon sun. A sigh leaves your lips – it’s not as if he doesn’t know already.

“I believe you’re well aware of why I haven’t, Bokuto. He’s barely spoken to me in these weeks. In fact, I’m sure he has better things to do than to indulge me.”

“He still cares for you.”

“Well, he has a funny way of showing it,” you reply bitterly and draw out your sword. “Come on, no time to dawdle.”

Disobeying your words, Bokuto bides his time with some extra stretching. “I’m his closest friend, I would know.”

“Then he can tell me himself. Can we please start?”

“Very well then.”

His words have riled you up significantly, Bokuto notices. Your attacks are relentless and your senses seem sharper than ever, easily dodging and parrying with the footwork of an experienced soldier. In fact, your movement is breathtakingly graceful, almost as if you were dancing. The duel goes on for minutes until Bokuto accidentally hesitates and can only surrender when the tip of your sword is millimeters from his neck. He drops his sword and a big grin forms on his face.

You lower your weapon and step back as the both of you catch your breath. Behind you, Bokuto spots a familiar figure leaning over the edge of their balcony. They’re too far away to hear what you’re saying or what expressions you’re wearing, but that doesn’t stop Bokuto from coming up with a devious plan.

“(Y/n), don’t look behind you, but he’s watching.”

You freeze – you completely forgot that Akaashi’s room faces the direction of the training grounds. Naturally, he has his own balcony, but you didn’t think he’d be watching. Had he been observing all your other sparring rounds? And how was he awake now? He’s usually never up this early.

“I have an idea,” Bokuto continues. “But you have to play along, all right?”

“I’m not liking the sound of this…”

“You just need to follow my lead. Now, pretend you’re about to start another duel.”

With all the confusion displayed on your face, you warily adjust yourself into your preparatory stance. Bokuto steps closer to you while sheathing his sword, eyeing your position with his hands behind his back. He quickly checks to see if Akaashi is still paying attention, and after confirming so, he enters your bubble of personal space.

“If you begin to feel uncomfortable, tell me. If I’m right, it’ll only take a few minutes before he’s down here.”

“But I don’t want—”

“Shh,” Bokuto interrupts with a gloved finger on your lips. He smirks when he spots Akaashi suddenly straightening himself, his posture turning stiff and guarded. You watch as he reaches for the hand holding your sword, wrapping his own around your grip.

“What are you doing?” You hiss at him.

“Wait a few seconds…okay,” Bokuto removes himself from your personal space. You relax and put down your guard, resisting the urge to punch him in the arm.

“What ever was all that for?!”

“Look,” he replies, pointing in the direction of Akaashi’s balcony. “He’s gone. I guarantee he’ll be here in the next five minutes.”

“Bokuto—”

“Now, now, let’s have another round to pass the time.”

“But—”

You’re interrupted when Bokuto swings his sword towards you, your own blocking his instinctively. You could try to protest all you want, but he wasn’t going to let you have it. You would make sure that he regrets it. Much like the first round, you put your all into the sparring session, fury growing as Bokuto’s grin widens over time. He’s taunting you over and over, leaving you so focused that you’re completely oblivious to the third figure currently making their way towards the two of you. Once within earshot, Akaashi clears his throat and you whip towards him with horror in your eyes.

“Ah, Akaashi, excellent! So glad you could join us!” Bokuto yells, walking away from you to clap him on the shoulder. “In fact, would you mind taking over from here? I just remembered I needed to attend to something back inside the castle. Thank you, Akaashi!” And then Bokuto just…leaves.

A shroud of silence covers the two of you – your attention is directed at anything but the object of your affections, choosing to focus on the dew of the grass, the glint of the light on your sword, the light morning breeze blowing past your stray hairs, the loose threads at the waist of your pants—

“Shall we begin?” He asks, breaking the tranquility.

Akaashi is infuriating; infuriatingly handsome, infuriatingly good at stripping down your defenses, infuriatingly adept at raising your heartbeat to an alarming rate. It’s simply unfair, and it angers you.

You say nothing while taking a few steps backward, your feet adjusting yourself in the same position that Bokuto had you stand in just mere minutes ago. Akaashi observes and also readies himself, his stance very similar to yours. Only seconds pass before he’s charging towards you, and the fight begins.

The first round falls in his favor, his face showing little reaction throughout the whole clash. You demand another round, barely giving time for a break because you’re brimming with the need to have some semblance of a victory. Weeks of pent up furious confusion make themselves known in the way you fight – you no longer move with the grace seen earlier with Bokuto. Instead, traces of sloppiness are there in your footwork and Akaashi takes advantage of this, though he begins to worry. If this were a real duel, you would’ve long fallen victim to his sword.

The second round lasts much longer than the first due to your obstinate refusal to back down and give up. Your braid had long come undone and Akaashi can’t help but think about how beautiful you look, even with your hair seemingly flying wildly every time you spin to try to catch him off guard. His split focus costs him when your weapons meet in the middle, allowing you to push and twist his hand around to force him to lose his grip. The metal is flung towards the side and he’s met with the shimmer of your sword that’s dangerously close to his jugular vein. He slowly brings his hands up in surrender and you falter.

Both of your chests rapidly rise and fall, lungs desperate for oxygen. Akaashi struggles to remember the last time you had put so much effort into a duel, your desperation to win screaming itself into the air. He notices how much thinner your face has gotten, how your arm slightly trembles with exhaustion. You need to rest and eat more, Akaashi concludes with furrowed eyebrows. Your well-being is of utmost importance to him.

You feel yourself begin to quiver under Akaashi’s stare, yet long to know what could be going through his mind. Even though you’ve won this round, Akaashi still has your heart and the thought somewhat embarrasses you. You’ve always prided yourself in being level-headed, yet you just spent the last thirty to forty-five minutes taking out all your frustrations on him.

“Have you been getting enough sleep, (y/n)?”

Don’t say my name like that.

“I don’t see why it matters,” you sigh, moving away to pick up his fallen sword.

“You need to look after yourself,” Akaashi replies, following after her with a slight sense of urgency. You whip around too fast for him to react, only groaning from the impact when you practically shove his weapon to his chest. Nothing prepared you for this conversation – you aren’t ready to have it, and you’d rather not have it with swords nearby.

“I am looking after myself, your highness,” you bite through gritted teeth. Your feet carry you as fast as possible towards the entrance back into the castle, but a hand latches onto your wrist and demands your attention. You have no choice but to turn your body towards him, denying that his eyes are flashing nothing but concern and frustration.

“You’re eating less. You’re always awake at odd hours. Your corsets are too tight – they look as if they’ll squeeze the life out of you. You keep pushing yourself too hard during sparring sessions. It takes you longer than usual to finish books. You’re under the sun too much—”

“You have no right!” you accuse, attempting to wriggle your wrist from his grip. Why does he speak as if he’s been keeping a watchful eye on you when he can barely meet your own over the dinner table?

Akaashi refuses to relent, even pulling you closer to him under the shadows of the doorway. “Please (y/n), you must know how much I worry—”

“Then pray tell, why have you ignored me since I stepped foot into your castle?!” You cry out, tears of vexation beginning to form. “Why have you ignored my very existence, as if we are twelve again and trying to escape something seemingly inevitable?! How could—how could you build me up for months and months, only to tear me down without a second thought?”

Akaashi knows his reasoning is botched and full of fallacies – he’s beginning to understand the extent of how much his actions have affected you, but he can’t help but try to save some face. His cool, collected façade and wisdom had long taken a backseat towards matters concerning you, and he feels like a fool. A big, bumbling, inexplicably irrational fool in love.  

“Princess—”

“I would have no qualms if you had just outright told me that you didn’t care for me,” you interrupt once more, though in a calmer tone. Your body is still shaking from the emotional downpour, tears streaking down your cheeks unattractively. You wish you could just take a horse from the stables and ride home, away from all this nonsense. “But you can’t write me those letters, the very ones that I’ve so deeply cherished this passing year, and treat me as if it were all some dream that my brain so desperately sprung together.”

“I have my deepest regrets – I’m so sorry, it’s just…with the way we greeted each other on the first day, I somehow convinced myself that you didn’t mean what you wrote—”

“Keiji,” you interrupt softly. How he wishes you were saying his name in a different context, in a tone that was full of love than disappointment. How he wishes there were no salty tears tracking down your cheeks. “You have known me for almost thirteen years. Thirteen long, playful, revealing years. Nothing ever escapes you, and you said so yourself; we are old friends. Therefore,” you pause, gulping.

“Shouldn’t you know that I would never pen those words to just anyone?”

And you disappear into the castle.

Akaashi feels that there’s nothing more appropriate than beating his head into the wall, cursing himself for being so stupid.

What have I done?

-

“I must say, in the most appropriate sense, you are truly, royally fucked.”

“I know, Bokuto. I know.”      

-

Akaashi tries to make up for his mistakes in his classic fashion: silently, with small thoughtful gifts.

He has resumed leaving flowers from the garden in your chambers again: some days, you return to a peony. Other days, you return to the addition a single rose in the ardent shade of passionate love. They accumulate on your dresser, your room becoming filled with the floral scents. The lingering fragrance haunts your dreams, filled with flashes of childhood memories and anticipated encounters at the masque. You often wake up feeling as if there’s a lead weight on your chest, and even though you physically slept for eight hours, the fatigue in your eyes vehemently argue otherwise.

Akaashi becomes insistent on escorting you everywhere, always offering his arm for you to take. At first, you’re hesitant, but just a day later, it becomes second nature. Akaashi joins you again when reading – if he can, he’ll take a seat next to you. If not, he’ll be sure to be across from you, though he’s not reading most of these times. He often carries a journal with him, assistants always prepared to provide him with a writing utensil and ink, and scribbles away. Akaashi has never held back his admiration for the world’s literature, and four days before your birthday, you pause in your reading to feed the curiosity.

“What are you scribbling in there, if I may ask?”

“A…personal work of sorts.”

“Your Highness, an author? I must say, it suits you. Is it a work of fiction?”

“Not this time,” he says with the ghost of a demure, secretive smile on his face. “You could consider it a memoir.”  

“If you say so.”

-

It had been decided some time ago that the ball would be held the night before your birthday, rather than the day of. These events were known to last well into the night, so at midnight, they would make an announcement in your honor and present you before everyone invited. With these change in plans, your original deadline for Akaashi to find you had to be moved ahead, and he was less than pleased to hear this the day before the ball, even though it was anticipated.

“Fifteen minutes is precious time, Princess,” Akaashi expresses with displeasure. “Could you permit me at least five ‘til midnight?”

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible, milord. I must have enough time to prepare myself.”

“Have I only been upgraded to being called ‘milord’?”

“How is it that your title irks you so?”

“Only when it’s coming from you, Princess. And I must say, you’re one to speak – don’t think I’m unaware of how much you greatly dislike it when you’re addressed as such. You’ve never bothered to correct me though. Why is that?”

“Perhaps…” you say, giving him a side glance full of mirth. “Perhaps you’re just an exception.”

Akaashi’s eyes widen a bit before crinkling with delight. You never cease to amaze him, reminding him at the most unexpected times that you are also invested in this growing relationship with him. He quickly looks around him before gently dragging you to the nearest empty bedroom, hoping that even though the walls have ears, they don’t have the eyes to witness this. Once the door is quietly shut behind him, Akaashi begins to take slow steps in your direction, towering over you and crowding you until your heels hit the wall. You struggle to maintain eye contact as well as keeping your breathing under control. Akaashi continues to pin you down with his piercing gaze, gradually bending down until he’s at eye level with you. Thoughts run amok in your brain as his face nears yours. Is he going to—

Your internal process ceases when he tenderly places a kiss at the corner of your lips, then moving until his breath is right by your ear. The sensation triggers a shiver down your spine, causing him to chuckle.

“To give you an idea of what I’d like my reward to be when I catch you tomorrow night, Princess,” he murmurs before moving away.

You’re blushing furiously no matter how much you fight it, barely registering when he lifts both of your hands to place a similarly gentle kiss on your touching knuckles. Part of you wants to protest when he steps towards the door and cracks it open, peeking out to see if anyone is lingering in the corridors. Akaashi keeps a hold on one of your hands, quickly leading you out and folding it into the crook of his other elbow. He fixes his gaze in front of him to bring on an air of normalcy, as if he didn’t just sneak you into a spare bedroom to do something that many would somewhat frown upon. Akaashi had yet to ask to formally court you, but he has full intentions to change that tomorrow night.

“Perhaps you’ll give me an insight on what you’ll be wearing tomorrow night?” He inquires cheekily and you send him your dirtiest glare.

“Only in your dreams, milord. Did you not read the part about making this harder on you so I could have some fun?”

“Wouldn’t it be better to have fun with each other?”

“Do you mean to tempt me?” You tease, chuckling into the back of your free hand.

“There was no guarantee that you’d refuse – am I not allowed to grasp onto any remaining hope?”

“Whatever satisfies you, milord.”

“Then let me find you tomorrow night. I don’t believe I’ll stand for any of the other suitors attempting to whisk you away with baseless words and ill intentions.”

“What would you know of their intentions?” You ask curiously, looking up towards him. His eyes darken and harden with an emotion you’re not familiar with. It’s one that is never directed towards you, almost dangerous in a way.

“More than you should know, Princess,” he replies gravely.

Before you realize it, you’re sitting in front of your vanity, sitting as prettily and patiently as you can while your handmaiden, Yachi, does her best work on your hair. You observe your current features – a faint blush had been dusted on your cheeks and a deep rouge painted on your lips. Your mask would be similar to many those of the other attendees, one more thing to pull in your favor in this game of cat and mouse.

Your heart begins to beat faster as the seconds tick by – there’s no doubt that Akaashi is already by his parents’ side, carrying a princely aura and politely greeting all the guests. The ball began at 9PM and it was already thirty minutes after. You can hear the faint sounds of the musicians playing up a lively theme, imagining that the festivities will be in full swing soon. Soon, your handmaiden is patting you on the shoulder, notifying you that she was done. In the mirror, you turn your head left and right and nod appreciatively, thanking her for her hard work. Your fingers shakily pick up your mask and Yachi ties it securely behind your head and underneath your hair.

“Do you think he’ll recognize me?” You ask nervously, fiddling your fingers in your lap. Yachi knew almost everything about the ordeal and had even come up with some good ideas to make things harder on the prince.

“If he keeps in mind that you’ll be the most beautiful maiden at the ball, then I’m sure he will,” Yachi giggles, tucking in some stray hairs.

“You’re not here to lie to me,” you whine, pouting slightly. “In all seriousness…”

“I have no doubt, milady,” Yachi says, her eyes and tone softening. “If His Highness likes you as much as he says he does, then he will certainly find you.”

You let out a deep breath before standing from your chair, the nerves beginning to course through your system. In the reflection, you gaze upon the line of flower-filled vases on your dresser, their presence somehow bringing you some serenity. Yachi is right -- with how much he boasted in letters about studying every memory he has of you, there should be a reasonable level of certainty that he would catch you by your deadline.

But now was the time to be festive. After all, the guests were here in your honor (and to have a joyous time) and you’d be rude to not partake in the activities. Some of the maids are bustling around, ensuring that drinks and food are readily available, never running low. The sound of your heels clicking along the granite echoes against the walls, yet your heartbeat seems louder and louder as you near the ballroom. The castle beholds two specific large ballrooms with double doors towards the courtyard, allowing the cool summer air in. You take a quick detour and choose to enter the ballroom from the outside, much less likely to arouse suspicion.

At least everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, you think to yourself with a smile. It’s easy to spot Bokuto in the crowd with that hair of his, just as you predicted. The band just finishes a song when you sneak in, yet starts up a familiar tune not long after. The piece calls for a large group to dance together, and wanting to join in, you make your way to the center. Luckily, one more female was needed and you are welcomed, as well as gently shoved to a tall man who seemed to be lacking a partner. It’s not hard to guess who it is, however. Even with a mask, you could recognize that crooked grin from anywhere.

As per tradition, he bows to you and you curtsy, then routinely placing your hand in his. He draws you close to him by the waist, but his grip is light and barely holds any weight on your back. Taking a quick once-over at the group, he addresses you.

“Should I be counting my lucky stars to be dancing with the princess in honor?” He teases just loud enough for you to hear. 

“I would advise against it, Prince Kuroo.”

A quiet laugh leaves his chest as he gives you a spin, flawlessly bring you back to him. “You can trust me, Princess. Bokuto has already informed me of the game in place, though I suppose it was more of a warning more than anything.”

“Oh, how so?”

“If I didn’t want to face the wrath of your dear prince, I should refrain from attempting to convince you that a merger between our kingdoms would be more ideal.”

“I must say, I’m a little surprised that Bokuto isn’t trying to stir up trouble.”

“I would advise against speaking too soon – he’s already on his third glass of mead.”

“Good gods,” you mutter in disbelief. Kuroo shakes with laughter.

“For my amusement, I’d like to see Akaashi be a clumsy fool in love. You have my word that I’ll keep this interaction secret for now,” he promises, rushing his words a little bit. Soon, the two of you will need to break apart and switch partners.

“But don’t forget to have a little fun. Happy birthday, Princess,” Kuroo says sincerely in your ear, sneaking in a quick kiss to the back of your hand before letting you go. You fall into the hands of another male, one you don’t recognize, and fall into silent routine until the dance is over. When the band comes to a stop, everybody bows to each other with a wide smile on their faces and cheeks tinted red from happiness. Momentarily, you had forgotten about your nerves and Akaashi, but now that there was nothing else to focus on, the shivers of being chased creep along your body.

In one sense, it’s almost thrilling. The thought has you questioning your own sanity, but perhaps it’s only because Akaashi is the one searching for you, finding the right time to pounce. As a result, you never stay in one place for too long, mingling into other crowds and making small talk. Very few have noticed who you were, and even Bokuto replaces his antics for a wink when he passes by you, knowing his usual behavior would give it all away.

The clock strikes eleven, each toll causing your heart to skip a beat. You grant yourself one more glance towards Akaashi.

Earlier during the dance, you had spotted him in the far corner of the ballroom staring in another direction. Now when you have the time to watch and appreciate, you can’t help but marvel at how beautiful this man is. Time boded well on him, his features and height resembling a strong, trustworthy young prince. He had the intellect and perceptive level worthy of being king, and even the atmosphere around him agreed. His head was fit to hold a crown, and any woman would fall at his feet in seconds. Tonight, he is donned in the kingdom’s colors, his own attire a regal show of ivory, ebony, and gold. The design is not overly ornate or flamboyant, yet regal enough to instantaneously remind others exactly who he is. Each hue makes him shine like a beacon of light in darkness.

Needing some fresh air, you slip out towards the courtyard and quietly make your way to the garden entrance. A couple of guards are standing watch but let you in once you untie the mask from your face. Your feet pad down a familiar path towards the rows of peonies and you’re thankful for the uninhibited rays of the full moon tonight. They’re cast in a soft glow of white and blue – you can’t help but tenderly touch petals of one half-open.

“I had an inkling that you would come here.”

The familiar tenor startles you out of your wits, your hand flying back up to your chest as you turn towards the perpetrator for your premature heart attack. None other than Prince Akaashi stands before you with his hands behind his back and a twinkle in his eyes. Then, the weight is lifted off your chest.

He had found you.

Once you catch your breath, you can only let out a suppressed laugh. There was nowhere to hide, not when your mask is grasped between the fingers of your other hand. He hadn’t even bothered to wear one, though you’ll scold him later for not participating in the festivities.

“I suppose you followed me here?”

“You could say that,” Akaashi replies with a smile, moving closer to stand right in front of you.

“It did take you over an hour and a half though.”

“(Y/n).”

“…yes, milord?”

“I noticed you the second you stepped into the ballroom.”

The statement baffles you and freezes you to the core. You find yourself unable to do anything when Akaashi grasps both of your hands in his, bringing them to his lips much like he did yesterday.

“Then why did you not come to me then?” You question after finding your voice again. Akaashi says nothing at first, only rearranging your limbs to a familiar posture for a waltz. He begins to step and lead, your own feet naturally following him as if you’ve been practicing this for a long time together. His silence makes you grow more unsure of all this.

“I wanted to observe, reconfirm my suspicions that I was already fully convinced on. In addition, I wanted you to enjoy yourself. You and our mothers have spent so many months preparing this – it’s only right that you enjoy the fruits of your labor.”

“Then you saw me dance?”

“Yes, and you were the best of them all,” he instantly compliments, always honest and straightforward to the point, sending blood to your cheeks.

“Thank you, milord,” you reply sheepishly.

“You’re welcome, Princess. Though I must say,” Akaashi’s tone turns dangerous, leaning over to whisper in your ear. He notices how your hands tighten their grips on his, perhaps trying to ground yourself. “Why did Prince Kuroo of Nekoma speak to you like this, so intimately? I thought, perhaps, this would also be left as a privilege solely for me?”

“He was doing just as you had warned before,” you chuckle, silently apologizing for pulling the wool over Kuroo’s eyes. Judging by the sharp inhale, Akaashi was less than pleased at what you were insinuating. “He may or may not have been attempting to persuade me into forming a more personal alliance with his kingdom.”

“Was he now…” Akaashi murmurs. In an effort to contain the green jealousy rising within him (and gain a little leverage), his hands slowly release yours to gently grasp your waist. For a moment, he wishes they were holding you this way in a different situation, but that doesn’t stop him from daringly ghosting his lips over the column of your neck, his breath sending goosebumps along your skin. You keep as still as possible, completely unsure of what to do. But if there’s one thing that is certain, it’s that no man could ever have an effect on you like Akaashi does.

“I have known you since you were young,” he proceeds. “And though we didn’t want anything to do with each other, we eventually grew accustomed to each other. Before I even realized it, I was watching your every move, listening to every word you said. Even when we were twelve, I found myself wanting to be near you. I wanted you to take notice of me just as I did you. When we were fifteen and you sat against me by the fireplace…there was the most wonderful sense of belonging, as if you were supposed to be right there by my side.”

Your heart might fail you at this point, aching for the man who was now lifting his head away to face you. The back of one hand lifts to caress your cheek, and your eyes catch the ardent passion in his, even in the moonlight.

“I penned those words to you with every intention of properly courting you. I wished for you to understand the lengths I would go to ensure your happiness. It was never about this merger between our kingdoms and hasn’t been for a long time. I only want you to know that should you allow me to, it would be my honor to court you and perhaps…be your husband.”

Unshed tears of joy are brimming in your eyes. Akaashi has suffered enough, you believe. A tear must have escaped because he catches it with his thumb, softly wiping it away. You can’t help but let out a breathless laugh, and Akaashi knows it’s a good sign. The smile on his face grows wider as you collect yourself to give your response.

“You do, after all, deserve a reward for finding me.”

Akaashi smirks and tilts his head forward, his lips millimeters away from yours.

“And what would that be, Princess?” He purrs.

Your heart takes a leap and you press your lips to his. Instantly, Akaashi cradles your face, refusing to separate from you. The first kiss is innocent and unmoving, allowing the both of you to revel in the sensation. A thrilling streak of adrenaline courses through your veins and sets your soul on fire as he puts more force, conveying to you his neediness and years of pent-up desire. You return it ounce for ounce until you can’t breathe anymore, pulling back to breathe in some much-needed oxygen. Akaashi doesn’t stop, sensuously kissing every available surface of your cheeks until he’s tired of waiting to kiss your lips once more. You give in and let yourself fall until the point of no return – even if Akaashi was the devil incarnate, you would gladly hand over your soul for an eternity of his love.

“As much as I want to continue this,” he states over bated breath. “We have a ball to return to.”

You sigh and nod, brushing your nose against his before allowing some distance between the two of you. Akaashi offers to tie the mask before taking hold of your hand, folding it into the crook of his elbow as he has done many times before. The two of you bide your time as much as possible, giving each other knowing glances when the courtyard is within your view again. Some of the ladies (and men) throw you nasty looks for having had private time with the prince, but none of it matters as Akaashi asks for a dance, spending the rest of the minutes until midnight with you in his arms.

After midnight strikes and being presented to the crowd, Akaashi keeps a hold on you again, ignoring the jeering and teasing gestures from Bokuto and Prince Kuroo. Kuroo, the ever honest yet playful man he is, sends you a wink behind Akaashi’s back and you bury your face into his chest. Whatever the cause may be, Akaashi continues to envelop you in his arms with a light and comfortable conversation taking place. As a natural silence passes over, he whispers into your ear, “Happy birthday, Princess.”

“Thank you, Keiji.”

Ecstasy fills his soul -- there hasn’t been anything more gratifying or more satisfying than hearing his name from your lips again. Finally, from now until death...he feels absolutely complete.

[zhannabelle-eng]

4 Rules of a Happy Relationship

Zhannabelle speaks on how to keep love alive 

All we need is love. These are the words that express the meaning of a woman's life. We want love, we seek it, we build relationships. But it's easier to build than to keep. Is nothing ever eternal, and is every relationship doomed to break? In this article, Zhannabelle shares 4 secret rules the observance of which will keep your love and passion alive lifelong.

Couples have always had problems in their relationship. People are all different, and here it seems that you have met your soulmate, but time passes and you face discord and quarrels. No one has ever taught us how to build a family, what to do to avoid recriminations and even divorce. Here and now you will learn the most important thing that will help your couple stay together for a long time.

Know how to see the good in your partner 

The rose and candy stage ends sooner or later and everyday life begins. Partners have already become used to each other, know almost everything about each other and live the routine life. And there comes a time when some habits of your other half start irritating you to a greater or lesser extent. You can tweak out without any serious reason, get angry for clothes scattered around untidy or a dirty toothbrush or a comb. In general, among the little things that make up our lives, we are less and less likely to find something positive and more likely to notice things we don't like.

Zhannabelle says that the first and one of the most important rules of a long-lasting and strong relationship is to see only good in your partner. Learn not to get annoyed over the little things, not to notice the inconsequential faults, but be able to consider, discovering in your soul mate the best things for which you loved him/her.

And don't forget to say it out loud: "You scattered your socks around the apartment perfectly so that I had no trouble finding my way to the bathroom even in the dark." Such a phrase is not a reproach or a hint of anger, even not everyone will notice the hidden sarcasm. But after these words you just do not quarrel, but only laugh together.

Not every woman is fully aware of the abilities she possesses, but she has to know and develop them. Zhannabelle will teach you how and what to do for this. And she will definitely help you unleash your powers. After attending seminars and classes of the mentor, you will gain knowledge that will support and maintain the relationship in your couple. With this knowledge it will be easier for you to see the best in your partner and talk about it.

Don't forget to be thankful 

As time goes on, we say "thank you" and compliment our partner less and less frequently. Everything your partner does is taken for granted. And yet gratitude, compliments, and praise are important to everyone in life. When your beloved thanks you, you understand that he/she really loves you, treasures you.

We often forget an important rule: any conversation should begin with kind, good words, ideally with a compliment. You woke up in the morning, looked at each other, smiled and said: ‘Good morning, my sunshine. Even when it’s dull outside, you light up my day’. It's a perfect little thing. Some people will even think it is too gooey. You can come up with your own compliment, your own kind and affectionate words, and that's how you start communicating.

Try to do so for two or three days in a row, and then it will become a habit. And you'll even stop noticing that you start every conversation with a nice compliment. And make it a rule to say thank you at least three times a day. Give yourself a task – you have to say not less than three "thank you" to your spouse during a day. It is allowed to say more times, but it is forbidden to say less.  

When you praise and thank your partner all the time, complimenting him, he will understand, see, feel your love and tenderness, and return it all to you more in a more powerful way. Couples imbued with mutual respect and understanding always live together happily and for a very long time.

You need to develop

Life is development. If a person stops developing, they don't live, they exist. Likewise, a relationship is doomed, if at least one of the partners does not develop. Ideally, when both in a couple learn something new and unknown, learn together, and then their life will always be bright and interesting.

But even if one of the two finds something unique and hitherto unknown, they will always tell their partner about it, and be able to interest and inspire for development. Here is a simple example. If you like surfing and you already know how to stand on a board and catch a wave; it will be easier to do it together with your partner, gradually involving them in this amazing sport.

When one of the couple gets interested in something, finds a new hobby, their other half will definitely follow, if, of course, your soulmate is not completely indifferent to you. Joint activities of any sports, common hobbies, travel and adventures always unite and strengthen the family, better than any wedding vows.

When you develop and learn new things, you improve your relationship, become closer, add drive and zest to your relationship.

There must be some mystery in a woman 

A simpleton is an offensive nickname that people want to get rid of quickly. But a woman of secret, a woman of mystery - this is what each of us strives to become. And it's not just external indicators that make a lady mysterious, at all.

Each of us should have a secret, and we are not talking about skeletons in the closet. For example, you started taking a class at Zhannabelle’s online school to learn all about your feminine power and learn to use it. You should not tell your partner about it right away, keep it a secret for now. It's as if you are preparing a birthday present, because it should be a surprise and you can't talk about it in advance.

Try to find your source of energy and become confident in your skills by the holiday (birthday), then you will be able to show your partner what you have achieved during the class. Most likely, your partner will guess that something is going on with you, because if they are not blind, they will definitely notice how your relationship and yourself are changing for the better. Over time, you can reveal to them the secret about the classes. And if your partner is a woman, you can take her with you. This will further strengthen your union.

Dear, relationships are the work of both parties. Nothing will work if it is only one who is doing something. You have learned only 4 rules for a happy couple. Come to our classes, bring your family and friends, and you will learn much more. You will be able to apply the knowledge you gained and improve your life. Then all your problems will be solved very quickly - you will become healthy, beautiful, rich, find and keep your love!

Monica (Dresden) 

‘I have been married to Dirk for 6 years, before that we dated for 1.5 years. We have a common budget. We both work, or rather, worked, since I was out of work this spring because of the pandemic. Not giving up hope to get a job in my specialty (I am a PR-manager), I sent out my CV to all kinds of job sites and employers directly. After a month no interview had been scheduled. It was terrifying. I got depressed and felt like I was in a huge hole that I couldn't get out of on my own.

And Dirk, who had supported me in the beginning, assuring me that we could do it together, had changed a lot. He spent all his evenings almost to midnight at work. We almost stopped communicating and going out together. Realizing that our family was falling apart, I decided to do something. Out of despair and utter devastation I was browsing the Internet, when I came across an advertisement for Zhannabelle’s online school.

I opened it, attracted by the words about female power and energy, read a few articles from her blog, and immediately signed up for an individual consultation. My mentor opened my eyes and helped me make sense of my feelings and myself. She gave me a spiritual practice that helped me get out of an emotional hole. And most importantly, after just two weeks of classes, I was hired by a great company as deputy head of the PR department. This was not only career advancement, but also an increase in salary.

Following Zhannabelle's recommendations, I started talking to Dirk differently, and I tried to compliment him every time, thanking him more often, and praising him. Little by little, our relationship improved, and he began to treat me better, too, seeing my efforts and desire to keep the family together. Thanks to my mentor, I know exactly what I need to do to keep the family together in a good, positive way, and my husband helps me with everything. I always carefully follow the schedule of seminars and enjoy attending all the events where I learn a lot of new and useful things.