#so it made every minute worth it
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OH SORRY I FORGOT I ALSO DID THE COLLAGE—I helped gather up FIFTY-THREE TOTAL PIECES OF FANART to make this collage as the finale of our tribute, as a tiny cross section of how much the invictus properties have inspired all us fans to continue to create and inspire one another ❤️ (if your fanart made it into the collage, please feel free to reblog & tag yourself and your art!)
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this past extra life day (11/2/24) I had the pleasure of being a part of an incredible fan tribute project in the style of The Discovery Channel boom de yada song to honor Harlan and Jo Guthrie ( @malevolentcast ) and the incredible community that they've built and that i get to be a part of!!
@redundare organized the project over a month in advance and we all worked so hard on this vid so Harlan could air it during his & Jo’s 24 hour extra life stream
we set out with the goals of:
Make Jo cry (SUCCESS)
Send a bunch of donations while the video was airing so we could push for a huge amount of donos and collectively bump up the total donations by several THOUSAND total dollars (SUCCESS)
so please enjoy the fruits of our labor!
Everyone is credited at the end of the video, but in addition to @redundare , I’d like to directly tag my fellow contributors (in no particular order):
@dandelionbomb @lambdalegend @koscheyyy @creekschaoscorner @threearmsally @shadow0haven @dani-r @nerdfaerie @lizard-of-lore @marixmoon0702 @sleepinbird @sixstepsback @necrodancerscrypt @thecaptainsdesk @marimo-art
#malevolent#deviser#dice shame#invictus stream#invictus song project#I’d say this made me cry if it didn’t take me like 10 hours to put this together and animate it to pop up in time with the song#it was super well worth the effort tho considering Harlan & Jo left this image up while they read donos and thanked us#so it made every minute worth it#but it literally took me almost the same amount of time to do this as it took to draw the jarthur piece slkdjfl;dsl
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man especially having now read the flashbacks i think about how hard xie lian always tries and how many people have told him that he tries too hard, that he never should have bothered and that doing so made things worse, or even more commonly just hating on him for not fixing things or being arrogant or whatever they think his problem is. and some of those people are probably even coming from caring places!
but before hua cheng, had anyone ever sat next to him and said, you tried and that's good, it matters that you cared, you did your best. nobody could have done better than you.
how badly must xie lian have needed that?
#tgcf#tian guan ci fu#heaven official's blessing#the donghua is making me emotional#this arc made me emotional in the books but what can i say people crying in my ears makes it worse#GOD the way xie lian loses his temper for a /half a minute/ bc he's spent centuries in silence about this#got stabbed through the chest and buried alive to preserve lang qianqiu's heart#and now it's all destroyed#and then the second he realizes that he did something as mild as shout at the person responsible#he breaks down apologizing??#and like. its funnier with the romance parts later but its the same thing#xie lian is still human he can't stop himself from feeling or reacting to things#but he can hate himself for it. he can apologize for ever mildly inconveniencing someone else with his humanity#i don't think he internalizes what hua cheng says here at all#but. at least someone SAID it#at least someone told him what he did mattered and what he intended was worth something#after all that time#and like. you wonder how he can be so cheerful all the time usually despite all the shit that happened to him#but it's because he thinks he deserves every bit of it!!#i feel for hua cheng on a spiritual level i would also move mountains for this poor man if i could
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I've got too many games I want to play and not enough free time 😭 I still need to finish my BG3 playthrough but since Endless Ocean: Luminous came out I've been playing a lot of that instead. Also just got back into Wizard101 last night. Started playing House Flipper again last weekend. Still need to finish BOTW so I can start a TOTK playthrough and finish Pokemon Shield so I can start on Pokemon Violet. I've been fighting off the urge to start up a new Skyrim playthrough for weeks. My brother just told me that Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting ported to the Switch. And now I'm suddenly feeling inspired to replay DAI... And throughout all of this I'm also playing the hell out of DragonVale on my phone. Someone just pay me to play video games all day please
#and before anyone suggests it: no i cant try to get into streaming#the way i play video games is extremely frustrating for other people to watch ahdjsksl#no one is going to give me money for producing a video where i spend two hours checking every barrel in the map while juggling my inventory#and then immediately give up on a puzzle and just sit in silence for 30 minutes while i look up a walkthrough instead#i need a situation that pays me $200 a day just to be autistic at the screen alone in the comfort of my own home#rambling#a few years ago i made it a mission to play all of the dragon age games and dlcs in order and i did not complete it#i got all the way to inquisition before i quit#i had already played it on ps3 but i wanted to replay on my new gaming laptop and unfortunately my computer decided it was too complicated#and also i just wanted to play as an elf again and i was resisting that urge bc i played as an elf the first time and wanted something new#so i didnt connect to my character as much#BUT ive learned a lot about optimizing my games from getting bg3 to run on my computer#so i think i could get it to handle dai now. especially if i upgrade to ssd like ive been wanting#and i just saw a dai post on my dash that made me daydream about possible characters and i was struck with inspiration#when i first played through on ps3 i didnt know anything about da lore. it was my first dragon age game#i was just doing whatever i thought seemed coolest#so i basically modeled my inquisitor after my dnd oc and then just picked a vallaslin i thought was pretty#and then when it came time to pick a specialization i was just like 'i mean my hand has rift magic right? seems obvious enough'#but now i know the LORE. and the dalish really interest me. and i want to make an inquisitor thats their own character#i didnt want to replay another elf mage bc i thought it would be too similar#but at the same time i wanted to re-experience dai (and experience trespasser for the first time) now that i knew more about the dalish#(with mods that fix the annoying bits where your character seems to not know about their own religion of course lol...)#i was thinking about that and i just got hit with some inspiration#instead of 'my dnd character but with a cool tattoo and rift magic and they kinda roll with the inquisitor stuff bc idk whats going on'#what if i made a more intentional character with a much different personality and their own backstory#theyre still the first of their clan but i know what that means now so theyre not really into the herald of andraste stuff#theyre a devotee of falon'din with his vallaslin and fittingly choose necromancy specialization (tho theyre annoyed by all the maker talk)#they can look cool and goth and maybe they even make some different choices about the well of sorrows 👀#i could keep rambling but im running out of tags gah#anyways ive got lots of ideas now and i think the playthrough would be unique enough to be worth it
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home from work
#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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Love you till my last breath
No, even after that
Even when I'll be a ghost
🤍
#today was horrible#I keep running the same cirlces#but#it's all worth it#when i get home and for that one hour each night#i can forget about everything and feel safe and warm and happy#being able to feel like a child once#is nice#thank you#truly#i terribly miss you#still#everyday#and even when some days i feel absolutely no hope#you somehow show up#i dont know what did i do to deserve this#this feels too nice and im not used to it#its really like my soul#they made me get back my soul i swear#and it's really like something#wants me to stay here and#its so weird#i guess i will stay#even if its hard sometimes#but ill stay#i love you thank you#everyday every minute#every breath i take is thanks to you#truly. i owe you for the rest of my life#for saving me. truly.
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honestly. it's so fucking frustrating and disheartening. that the only thing making me hesitant to cleanly cut contact with my mom, the thing that still looms after cutting away from my dad........ is that when they both finally bite it, that's two houses to sell. that's money that may mean *i* get to have my own house someday.
the key to the security my parents failed to give me from the moment i was born lies in their deaths. the least they can do. the very fucking *least* is to leave me the means to build that security on my own. they owe me so much more than that, but realistically? that small act of restitution is all i can and will ask for.
until then? i want nothing to do with them.
#the comments of the article i'm reading involves people discussing their reasons for not going no contact with both parents#one of which being that they're not ready to be an orphan yet#and fuck. i know it's more complicated than this but. i've *always* been an orphan#i've wanted to let my parents go for a very long time#it took longer to do my due dilligence in giving my mom eight million chances but. those chances have come and gone#i don't want to do the work to whittle down our interactions. i don't think our relationship is worth carving it down to 'we can talk for 20#minutes once a month about light topics only. i don't want to hear about your sisters or my dad again thanks'#i get nothing out of that#i feel like now that i've Made Up My Mind (finally. it took so fucking long 😢) i'm obligated to give her one last chance#after outlining the New Rules#but she's an adult. as one commenter said '[s]he was always capable of respecting you.'#my mom is an adult. for all the work she's done on herself#she could've caught on that benting about her sisters every time we talk is not an appropriate topic of conversation#she could have noticed all the times i tried to interrupt her when she was here. not even to interrupt her to stop her from talking but#interrupting her so i could PARTICIPATE in the conversation#she is an ADULT and she is capable of looking at our interactions and seeing that they need improvement#there are certain boundaries that polite well adjusted people do not need to deliberately express to expect to have them respected#my mother is responsible for identifying those boundaries and that work. no i can't expect her to read my mind and intuit my boundaries#without me saying so. but i CAN expect her to ask my consent before discussing heavy topics. i CAN expect her to be self aware enough to#allow me to participate in conversations with her#i CAN expect her to manage her emotions to not be a volatile monster just waiting to trauma dump or explode#it is not my responsibility to teach her basic interpersonal decency#and i don't need to give her the eight million and one'th chance to prove she can be respectful this time#she was always capable of respecting me. she just chose not to#venting her feelings and being in her triggers is more important to her#and i sincerely hope she'll stay tangled in those feelings and not bring out the gaslighty 'i'll do anything to keep you in my life!!!!!!'#because. clearly. she will not.#she was always capable of respecting me. and emotional manipulation is not a part of that#personal#i just want to get my parents dying over with so i can afford a down payment on a fucking house
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I’m so depressed about everything rn . Being sick has ruined my sleep schedule again so I slept through most of the day and now I just feel so devastatingly alone for whatever reason . Brb watching Eraserhead
#I should probably get back on medication but the Prozac made me so fucking suicidal so I had to stop#and now I’m back to not having a psychiatrist or therapist or anything and I thought I was doing better anyway for a minute there but#I think the biggest problem with me is that my emotions are so unpredictable and volatile#and any little thing could just throw me off the deep end without a moment’s notice#even if I’ve been doing great and handling things well#idk if I’ll ever know true stability#does anybody? it baffles me when I hear people say that they’re not mentally ill at all#it doesn’t seem possible to me#for someone to live every day without going through periods of total utter darkness and despair and wondering if any of it is worth it#that’s been my reality for sooo long I just can’t even imagine experiencing otherwise
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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Song of the Day: April 30
"Breakeven" by The Script
#song of the day#cybersecurity videos completed today and we moved on to various types of workplace harassment and bigotry#what fun to complete four years' worth of compulsory office trainings back to back#surely tomorrow I will finish my gen-ed requirements and get to actually learn about finances. surely tomorrow.#anyway I couldn't mute or fastforward today's videos so I gave myself ten minutes to read fic as a special treat after each one finished#and at one point a character in the fic decided to use his heart and not his head and The Script started playing so loudly in my head#and did not leave#anyhow yesterday I said I'd give my two Teen Wolf song-related-fic-recs today and here they are!#fic rec#'with bloody feet across the hallowed ground' by owlpostagain - in which Stiles tells the literal truth! and it's a glorious trick!#absolutely delightful story. ticks over like perfect machinery. hits every emotional beat and then some#and 'The Sound As They Broke It Was Fearsome' by skoosiepants#an interesting setup--Teen Wolf and HP universes sort of merged--the Hale House is infinitely worse than the Shrieking Shack#also good character work but mostly it's the creativity of the merged world and the way it's introduced in the story that catches my mind#very good showing and not telling. what I think of as 'inset exposition' built right into the story#also it's a good song! 'I Guess I'll Forget the Sound I Guess I Guess' by Bodies of Water. some of the most memorable delivery ever#'up til that day I would hear them / and the sound as they broke it was fearsome#that was until your arms opened up wide / and the treasure therein was made mine'
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YueHua Family Concert 2023 - Part 3
Wang YiBo — Performance stills continued
(See Part 1) (See Part 2)
Sources; 郭彤彤Miao // Destiny丨博君一肖 // 夏时风10805×1005 // FLUOXETINE // 无尽夏·��君一肖 // GlobalFever全球热丨0805x1005 // 無須多言•王一博 // YBO
Final Group Number
#I can’t get over this wang yibo#“He was insane for this” and it’s just Wang YiBo doing what he does every. single. time.#Which is to blow us all away the second he steps onstage#everyone waited two and a half hours to see him dance for two and a half minutes#And it was so worth it#Who is this man#where did he come from#It makes me so soft to see him dancing with tears in his eyes#WHERE DID HE COME FROM#Is this boy real#This noodle boy carries such art within him#The noodle made me cry today#Wang yibo#dancer wang yibo#yuehua family concert#One and only movie#the dancing kid#i love him your honor#Wang YiBo dancing
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Fuck literally everyone who decided it was funny to scare me because I react big and would laugh as i fought off the panic response.
because i'm not with people like that anymore and i still expected laughter at an unintentional startle, and my big reaction upset the person who scared me and that's...that's not fair. They didn't know i couldn't see them, and they didn't know I would be so scared, and I was standing there wondering why they weren't laughing at my reaction because I am so fucking used to it.
My family did it, my extended family did it, my friends, my lovers, all of them. Because it was funny that I would scream and freak out whenever I was surprised by something unexpected.
But now that I'm with people who actually give a fuck about it me, I am so angry that this is my expectation of others. I didn't consent to being startled randomly every fucking day of my life just because it was funny to them. I didn't want to grow up like that. I didn't want that to be a form of entertainment for others in that way unless I was actively volunteering to go through a haunted house setting.
And my partner shouldn't have to feel like they've done something wrong because I (who has bad vision anyway) couldn't see them until they moved, and I shouldn't feel like I did something wrong because they didn't laugh at me as I tried not to have a full-ass panic attack.
Fuck all of the other people who were in my life before I moved. Fuck every single one of them. I didn't deserve that and neither does anyone around me. Because no one in my life currently is a fucking monster who thinks it's funny to startle people who have a fucking anxiety disorder.
fuck.
#i'm so angry#i'm so fucking angry#how dare they how dare they how dare they#i'm so goddamn mad#it took...it took a minute for the anger to override the panic and the attempt to shove it down with silliness and humor#because god i just want to laugh and let it be done because if i laugh and they laugh i know it's over and i have a reprieve or at least#can like plan for the next time which would likely be shortly thereafter because they always try again because it's funny that i do that#it's funny that i try to escape and scream real loud and can't fucking breathe becuase it's a big reaction to such a small thing#but it's fucking not funny and i never fucking understood how not funny it was until it hurt someone i love#because i can't control that reaction i never learned how#i don't know that i *can* control it and i hate that i hate this i hate that i'm fucking...#i hate that i've been made this way and i hate that i can't fix it and i hate i hate i hate#but i just...it wasn't my partner's fault and i can't fix it i can't fix that they felt bad for accidentally scaring me#i can't fix that i'm broken because no one thought it was worth fixing#because it was a funny brokenness to them#because a horror movie scream and collapsing when startled is hilarious apparently#and didn't know it wasn't until it wasn't every goddamn day#i'm sorry#i'm so sorry
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is it normal for your boss to ask why you're requesting a day off because i've never had to justify it at my previous jobs and it makes me feel gross that he even feels as though that is an appropriate question to ask
#not just as my employer but to ask a woman who is almost 40 years younger than you personal questions...#it is not the first time and the thing is my other boss never asks me why i'm taking a day off and keeps a respectable distance#but this one pries into my life and tries to develop a relationship beyond work#he has made inappropriate comments in the past such as asking if a certain man was my type and something worse i won't divulge here#he even will go as far as trying to park his car next to mine when he comes into work - and mind you we have a huge parking#it's so weird. the other day i was waiting in my car cause i was 10 minutes early and he did the exact same thing#like waited for me to get out so he could get out and walk up to the floor of the office together.......#bro you're the one who has the key to the door. why are you waiting for ME#he'll even purposely exit work at the same time as me and practically watch me drive away#i honestly could go on and on about things he does that make me uncomfortable#there aren't many employees in this building and most work from home or other locations so i'm very alone in here#sometimes i feel bad complaining because this job is the easiest one i've ever had but other times i feel exploited in ways beyond workload#it's not like he does this every day but it's enough to be uncomfortable without crossing any lines so what can i do really#i just don't wanna keep belittling the things people do to me and pass them off as okay when they're not#because i clearly feel it in my body and i don't deserve to let myself ignore that. and i'm tired of being in a bad mood all the time#i've started applying to other jobs again even though i hate that i hate changing jobs i hate starting new somewhere#but it's what i have to do and at least this time i've gathered enough experience to be selective in where i apply#it has to be way better and more convenient and a higher salary. for me to leave it has to be worth it.#**
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bring the pain tour was fucking awesome i slam danced so hard to the first 3 songs in the set i made myself so nauseous i had to sit the rest out but it eas fucking incredible and worth it
#watching that woman and her friend getting removed from the show in a wheelchair because they were fucking blackout drunk#was worth the price of admission alone#like she was grabbing people and throwing a temper tantrum soooo bad it was so embarrassing.. everyone in the arena was watching too#they way ppl started cheering every time they got her back in the wheelchair made me cackle like she kept toddle temper tantrum sliding out#it took like 45 minutes for it to unfold ... im sure some teenager was recording it and posted it but like damn girl...#didnt even get to hear any of the bands#anyways dont be a public nuisance or thousands of people will watch you and laugh... i just hope she doesnt remember it because id prob kms#thats soo embarrassing. like stumbling drunk before they even got to the seats#Spotify
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ‘reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there
#how do i tell her she needs to break up with him immediately. posthaste.fuck it funny post over rant incoming tw emotional abuse i think#nyarla dni#(<- roomie and nyarla have met and i don't wanna air roomie's drama to ppl who know her w/o her consent. anon internet ppl only)#listen i'm normally for gentle advising and that's probably what i'll do since i don't want to stress her out but oh my fucking god what is#his problem. he's constantly putting her in these weird no-win situations where the only right answer is to never be upset or disagree or b#wrong on accident or be misunderstood by him and to tell him everything she's feeling so she's not 'playing mind games' but if she says wha#she's feeling he'll interrogate her and badger her with the same questions over and over again insisting she's unreasonable until she gives#in and says she's sorry with an attitude he likes. i fucking don't like him. and a lot of this is observations from today. the day after sh#GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND BROKE HER NECK. WHAT THE FUCK.#it's like he expects to be treated like a king on one of the worst days of her life and when she's upset he's like OH. OH I GET IT.#and lectures her on having attitude and taking things out on others when she's literally not even doing that. not to an extent that matters#anyway. like. there's more productive ways of dealing with that. where you don't treat them like a bad kid for getting overwhelmed#he has made her cry multiple times today. i have been around multiple arguments and fights and he's just genuinely. awful i hate him#hell the first argument i overheard *i* was in tears by the end (luckily they left soon after bc i had to run to the basement laundry#dungeon to bawl my eyes out because 1. i can't handle confrontation 2. i've never seen roomie cry and 3. she just seemed so hurt and tired)#anyway he just left again after a fight because. god this is so dumb. she told him to move while they were sleeping in the same twin bed#(remember she's in a neck brace) and he fucking. left the room for an HOUR bc he thought the only thing that could POSSIBLY mean (as he#insisted) was for him to get out of here and then when she was like oh hey i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that he decided to spend the nex#half hour of his short time on this earth chewing her out for not giving him a lengthy explanation while half-asleep as to like. why he#needed to move (she wanted to grab smth) and apparently he sat in the chair by her bed for like 10 mins before leaving so he probably saw#her fall back asleep. and then he got pissy when after he left she didn't pick up her phone when he was calling her? even though he knew sh#was asleep?? she didn't even know he was gone. fucking. i need to get him away from my roomie YESTERDAY#look. miscommunication happens. i'm not saying he's an asshole for wanting things said clearly. i am pro-saying what you mean.#but if every time your gf tells you what she means you make it into a 30 minute lecture (no matter how small the slight and w/o examining i#you're actually right or not) she's not gonna wanna fucking tell you if she doesn't think it's worth the argument. especially if you never#let her rest until she concedes. apology isn't enough. clarification isn't enough. she has to say how wrong she was and beg and GOD. UGHHH#and he's always on about how she hurts his feelings. a gust of wind could hurt his feelings. he's constantly berating her manipulating her#and then he's like >:( see that hurt my feelings you can't hurt ppl's feelings. you're disrespectful. HE"S THE WORST I FUCKING HATE HIM#look sometimes adversity reveals the truth of a person and this just amplified his shittiness so much. mr OH i slept in a HOSPITAL and it#was so bad... you can't be in a bad mood bc i've been doing the bare minimum and you need to prioritize MY feelings rn. also i won't leave
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