#so instead i keep up with none and hope the fandom is still active when i eventually binge the season

[imlisteningg]

not up to date on midnight burger, camlann, tpp OR tmagp got me feeling like I'm sitting out in the cold watching everyone have fun through the window

[yelenasdiary]

Hello…I didn’t expect to make this request, but I didn’t know who else to turn to, and you’re the most active writer I’ve followed for so long that is still around. (And I’m happy for that, sincerely)

Well, before I request something, let me explain why. I…I’m saying goodbye. (Not that way, don’t worry) I’m saying goodbye…to the fandom…specifically, to reading Natasha x reader fics. I tried for a while to hope for fics where Reader was more of the knight in shining armor, masc presenting woman, or the top in the relationship, but…well, that didn’t happen much. And I’m not bashing on anyone for writing reader as more of the opposite. Not at all, everyone is entitled to write how they want to write….but I can’t just keep coming here and continue to see it be the same troupe. And no matter how much I request for one (and when requests are asked and open) it never happens, and instead it’s something else I didn’t request. So…I think it’s best for me to bid farewell. I cant force writers to write what I want, that’s not how it works. It’s a dick move

Here’s what I want to ask…for my final Natasha x reader fic request:

Reader is a soldier for the United States Air Force. Natasha has been busy as an Avenger. Reader, on leave, tried to spend time with Natasha but was always met with rain checks. On top of that, Natasha has always treated reader as the frail, need to protect, girlfriend, and reader always made it clear she wasn’t much for the pillow process type.

Anyways, reader decides to re-enlist for another deployment and begin a new life, maybe somewhere in Germany I don’t know. But, as she’s packing to leave is when Natasha FINALLY decides to give her the time of day….but it’s too late.

Reader sits Natasha down and says along the lines this, “I’m not the person you want…and we’ve just become different people and are pursuing different things….” She’d go on about how as much as she loves Natasha, she can’t be the partner she expects of her. She’s tired of being made out to be this woman that’s made to be the trophy wife or something like that. That she should find someone who can connect and click with her. Be her true soulmate.

Natasha is heartbroken and wants to fix things. Not expecting this at all. Pleading for a second chance but reader stands her ground. No tears shed, but she’s not cold to her either. Reader leaves, Natasha follows her all the way to the airport, tries one last time but reader doesn’t give in….she bids the redhead farewell…and thanks her for the memories that were amazing. She wishes nothing but happiness for her and a happy life.

…that’s it. Write it, toss it away, it’s fine. I’m just going to leave this here, do with it what you want.

Thanks for the fics you made, specifically the ones where you portrayed reader as the knight in shining armor.

Signing off.

A Final Goodbye

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Masc! Reader

Summary: You take a step back and do what is best for you, and Natasha. 

Angst, Comfort

Warnings: None, if I missed any, please let me know | 1.1K

AC: Thank you for sending this in, I am sorry to hear that you’re leave and I do hope that you’re still around to read this. I do apologise for it taking me a while to get it out, I also just want to say that I do not consider myself a masc lesbian so I do apologise in advance if anything in this is not giving that representation. Rest assured, this is Reader being the lead in this. I hope you enjoy x

You took a deep breath as you zipped up the last duffel bag, feeling the weight of your decision settle across your shoulders. Your small apartment almost empty, leaving most of your belongings in storage. Carefully, you placed the duffle bag with the others before taking a moment to gather your thoughts. 

It had been playing on your mind for a while now, keeping you up at night while you tossed and turned endlessly, wishing things were different but too much had changed over time. You tried to spend time with her, but you only met with rain checks or last-minute cancellations. You missed her but you couldn’t stop thinking about the drift between you two. 

Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, the woman you fell for. At first, things were great, you both were on the same page and were very much in the ‘honeymoon’ phase almost every day but like all couples, there were things that you would argue about and there were plenty of things that made you both frustrated. One thing you couldn’t understand was why Nat would consistently treat you like a frail and need to be protected girlfriend. As much as you loved that she cared for you, you hated being treated like a pillow princess. It wasn’t you. 

You didn’t need saving; you didn’t need protecting. You needed somebody who understood you and loved you for you. You always made it clear to Natasha that the pillow princess type wasn’t you at all, you always reminded her that you didn’t need her to protect you from every little thing, after all, you were a soldier. But something about being firm with her just didn’t stick. So, you made the decision to re-enlist for another deployment, making sure that the next time you returned, things would be different. Not just for you but for Natasha as well. 

Natasha knocked softly on the door; it was time. You took a deep breath and reached for the door handle, meeting her soft green eyes for the first time in weeks. Her famous red locks still damp from the rain outside, her expression a mix of relief and uncertainty. 

“Hey,” she said softly, her eyes locking with yours. 

You couldn’t help the soft smile that pulled on your lips, “Hey, I’m glad you could come” you replied, opening the door wider for her. 

 “I’m so glad you’re still here. I… I thought you might be gone already.” She said softly, her eyes darting to the small pile of duffle bags. 

“I leave tomorrow” you replied, watching as Nat turned around to face you once more. “Can we talk, please?” She asked, her gaze locked onto you. “I want to give you time to talk but I really need you to listen to me first” you said as you gestured that the two of you take a seat. Natasha let out a soft sigh, deep down she knew she wasn’t leaving your apartment the same woman she came as. 

The two of you took a seat at the dining table, the cold surface somehow bringing a little comfort to you in this moment as you gently reached for Natasha’s hand. You looked into her eyes for a moment, taking in the beauty she held. 

“I love you so much, I always will but I need to honest with you, with us. This isn’t so much about the fact our schedules suck and the rain check are rain check. This is about us and how I’m not the person you want” you paused for a moment, taking a deep breath in before continuing. “We’ve become different people. We’re pursuing different things and different dreams. I can’t be the partner you expect of me. I’m tired of you only seeing me as this fragile person who needs to protect. I’m a soldier, I’m in the air force. I can hold my own and I want to be respected for that” you added. 

“Detka, I do respect you. You’re everything to me, I don’t mean to make you feel like that….I just, I care about you so, so much but I can’t deal with the thought if something were to happen to you” Natasha pleaded, tears pooling in her eyes.

You smiled softly, trying to keep your own tears from building up, “I know you respect me Nat, but, when you’re around others, you’re not the same. We go from being one to two different people and somehow, you think I’m the one who needs to protected and treated differently….” You paused for a moment, your thumb stroking her soft skin. “We both know that love is such a big, beautiful and powerful thing. It means a lot of things and one of those things is knowing when to let go. You deserve somebody who can give you everything you want, but we know deep down it’s not me” you added. 

A silence fell between you both, Natasha’s face falling, her defenses crumbling as you continued. “I want you to find happiness, even if that means without me. You deserve it.”

“But… what if we can work it out? I can be better, I promise” Natasha said, pleading, her voice breaking as her tears began to fall freely down her cheeks. 

“I’m sorry Nat, but it’s too late. I need a fresh start, and I think you need one too”

Natasha’s expression shifted from desperation to heartbreak as she nodded at your words. Wiping her tears on the sleeve of her shirt, she stood up. “I don’t want to hold you back” she said softly, barely able to look into your eyes. You stood up from your seat, swallowing the lump in your throat as she reached out to hug you one last time. 

“Please be safe” she whispered, “and write to me whenever you’re ready” she added, hugging you tightly. You hugged her back, allowing yourself to feel the love she has for you one last time, hugging her just as tightly back. “I promise” you replied in the same soft whisper. 

As you two parted, you smiled softly at her, hoping it would somehow ease her broken heart a little. “I know this wasn’t what you expected but I want you to know that all the memories we share and the time we had, it was beautiful, and I will forever cherish them. I want nothing but love and happiness for you, don’t hold yourself back from find another love. Be happy Nat, you deserve that” you said.

To your surprise the redhead returned a soft smile, “I will always love you” she spoke ever so gently. 

“And I will always love you” you replied. 

Natasha turned, and headed for the door. You watched her leave, closing the door gently behind her, taking with her a piece of your heart. You took a moment for yourself, part of you broken from the words shared but the other half excited knowing a new chapter awaited. The memories of Natasha would always be with you, reminding you that love can be found again.

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[nkn0va]

THE LAST MINUTE RUSHED AS HELL CHRISTMAS EVENT

I'm writing this shit on Christmas Eve night, speedrun mode activate

Thanks to everyone who submitted and supported this rushed thing here. Hopefully next year if we last that long I'll be able to give you all something better. And hopefully none of this comes off as too half-baked.

Fun fact: Blazblue was not a two way, not a three way, but a FOUR WAY TIE, EVERYONE WANTED A DIFFERENT CHARCTER

To settle this dispute, I did it in the only appropriate way I knew how:

We will be revealing the winners for each fandom as voted for by the submissions and the prompts that have been chosen as we go along here.

Without further ado, enjoy the first ever seasonal event on the NKN0va blog. Hope you all have a jolly Christmas day.

(Spoilers mentioned for Persona 5 Tactica in that section, proceed with caution)

Helltaker: Judgment's S/O getting her to ice skate with them on Christmas

-You bring this idea up to Judgment on Christmas Day after breakfast, much to the fallen angel's confusion.

-She has heard of skating before, and knew that there was a kind of skating specifically for doing it on ice, but that sounded extremely dumb and quite dangerous, especially to regular ol' fragile mortals like yourself.

-It takes a while, but she eventually gives in, she doesn't have the heart to shut you down entirely. Of course it's under the guise of protecting you and making sure you don't get hurt.

-It's best that you don't go to a public skating rink with her lest you get unwelcome stares from everyone and scare the children, so you manage to find a frozen lake somewhere with ice thick enough. Despite being alone, Judgment is still very much tense.

-Judgment for her part when she does get on the ice falls over a few times. Balance isn't her thing, but she does get it eventually, watching anxiously as she keeps an eye on you as you start getting on the ice.

-If you cannot skate she'll have a few words for you, but since you're already here you might as well do it together. She'll put your arm around you shoulders as she tries to keep you both upright until she is certain you can go on your own. Depending on your own balance this will have varying results.

-Consider her pleasantly surprised if you know how to skate without falling over, she thought you'd be struggling a lot more. Expect her to make some kind of competition out of the ordeal and taking it way too seriously. By the end you're aching all over and she has to carry you home. 10/10 would do again.

~~~

Under Night In Birth: Surprising Wagner with a Christmas Gift

(Thank you Vivian for breaking the tie this was way easier than if I got the alternative on a coin flip and had to do the other option instead)

-Wagner is no stranger to gifts. Especially super extravagant ones around the holidays thanks to her family background. This put you in quite the conundrum.

-As long as you've known the Crimson Knight, she's always been very hard to please. That fact that you're a normal person with a normal income also does not help matters. Trying to go extravagant enough to impress her would only break your bank in the process so you had to had to get more creative.

-You'd have to appeal more to her sentiment, and eventually an idea came. The only thing you knew of that appealed to her sentimentally enough was, well, you.

-Your gift searching soon turned into a craft session, taking photos from your phone of you two, printing them out, and putting them in a memories book of sorts and decorating it to what you felt was her liking.

-When the big moment came and it was finally in Wagner's hands, she sits there holding it like she doesn't know what the hell it is. It's only when it's opened that it clicks.

-She'll smirk and call it quaint in a half condescending, half endearing way. Some people might be offended by it, but you know better. This is her way of hiding her true emotions. Deep down this will be treasured for the rest of her life, anyone that dares touch it other than you will be turned to roast beef.

~~~

Persona 5: Erina ending up under the mistletoe with her S/O

(AU where Erina doesn't disappear after the events of the story)

-It had been quite a while since any holiday was able to be celebrated, thanks to Marie. There was a special feeling about Christmas this year around, being able to finally celebrate it peacefully.

-Erina for one seemed to be the most excited. Due to her...origins she'd never celebrated it properly before, and was learning the ins and outs of the festivities and traditions for the first time, her eyes lighting up at every new thing she saw.

-The two of you were walking around the town plaza taking in all the sights, watching as the citizens put up decorations. Out of nowhere, right in front of a bakery in the plaza, she stopped you and pointed up towards a strange looking plant hung on up one of the support pillars.

-While you were already dating Erina, it hasn't been all that long into the relationship, thus you were still taking to intimacy. With a slight bit of nervousness, you filled her in on what this mistletoe thing was.

-Erina takes in what you say with a thoughtful look. Then, as straightforward as ever, pulls you by your collar and gives you a longer than normal peck on the lips, pulling away with a slight redness on her face but a satisfied smile. She mentions how this might end up becoming a favorite holiday tradition of hers before dragging you through the city once more as if nothing happened.

-In all fairness, you probably should've seen that one coming.

~~~

AND TO BREAK THE STAGGERING (but probably not unexpected in retrospect) FOUR WAY TIE, THE WHEEL HAS DECIDED ON...

I see the audience has a particular type...

Blazblue: Nine's Christmas Day Celebration with S/O (post Dark War)

-While Nine is typically a very busy woman, she is extremely family oriented above all else. She will take holiday time off, regardless of what anyone says. Not like they can stop her anyway.

-Definitely the type to go all out to spoil the people important to her. Over the top decorations, forcing the weather control system to make a light but not overbearing snowfall, and as many presents as she can humanly think of.

-This is probably the happiest you've ever seen her. With all the tragedy in her and everyone else's lives over the past decade there's so rarely been a time to truly let her guard down and celebrate a holiday like a normal, happy, healthy person.

-She wants to do every traditional (and perhaps cliche) tradition she can think of. Between having largely no parents growing up and spending most of her life during war time she's never had the chance to do any of it. Decorating a tree, giving out deliberately wrapped presents to you and everyone else important to her, going out to see the magical and technological lights hung up around Ishana, having a fireplace lit up and watching old movies.

-This is her way of healing from the long lasting trauma inflicted on her by circumstances outside her control. If the holiday season is about the people important to you, then she wants to take that time to cherish those people while she still has the chance, even if she can have a hard time expressing that.

-Also you're probably gonna have to stop her from bullying Terumi even now. If left to her own devices she is dressing him up in the most stupid holiday themed shit imaginable for her own amusement. I'm talking reindeer antler headbands and a Rudolph nose.

[horizon-verizon]

There is an enduring sense in the fandom that if you cannot structurally change the entire or major parts of an oppressive status quo, it's somehow better that one does absolutely nothing. Bc you're "messing up the stability of an already stable social order, which proved itself to be the best or most reliable bc it's endured for so long".

And I despise it. Because it essentially means that any effort except a huge, topsy-turvy one where the whole system gets upended or severely so doesn't matter. (At the very least those that don't seem like it.)

It's a perfect partner to racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. & people use it not just against Rhaenyra but Dany, Rhaenys, & Alysanne!!! Any Targ woman, really. Aegon V, if one mentions his laws. Ironic, bc Jaehaerys had progressive laws for peasants ONLY bc of Alysanne, but it's obvious why they prefer the female-heir denying Jaehaerys over Aegon V!!!

Coupled with this sense, some say that these women are totally complicit in those systems bc use they happen to be born into royalty or aristocracy, actively use their privileges at times for their own ends instead of ALWAYS to create or influence others for groundbreaking policies & laws, or manage to just escape certain abuses other women face bc they were reserved for the specific task of having children for their male spouses.

Daenerys was a bridal slave, for example. She doesn't face SA from random men every other night, but that doesn't stop the risk of her facing that fate if she were to ever fall out of her husband-owner, Drogo, favor. That doesn't stop her haters from arguing that she should have done more for Mirri & those Lhazareen women, that she even profits from slave labor when she clearly is allocating and directing funds from taxes to the city of Meereen! From ignoring how all those she freed are not still slaves, that the slave masters time and time again have said, point blank, that she is a danger to their enterprise CONTINENT-WIDE!!! She makes mistakes and the biggest one compromising too much with the slave owners of Meereen, yeah, bc she is in the beginning of her leadership journey, and still she manages to inspire loyalty, faith, and hope in many of her followers and she also still manages to keep most people alive w/o actually giving all the way in and that terrifies the slaveowners! For good reason. Read the last few pages of the last book and tell me that she won't come for their necks, either literally or figuratively idc. She's obviously not fucking up so bad or has totally failed in her role as a protector, and she will make mistakes as other leaders before her and after her will! Why this level of negative & bad faith scrutiny?!

And let's go to Rhaenys the Conqueror. She created the rule of thumb & the rule of six, where no man could legally beat their wives to death when she decreed that the rod could not be thicker than the husband's thumb and he could not whack her more than 7 times. Some argue why didn't she outlaw wife-beating entirely if she and her siblings conquered Westeros. First of all, these are the very same people who bleat abt how the Targaryens destroyed and colonized Andal culture without bothering to offer material evidence of such. If Rhaenys & her siblings actually have "colonized" the Andal-FM lords, & it was Andal custom for men to beat their wives indiscriminately…then the Targs couldn't have actually destroyed any part of Andal "culture" and replaced it entirely with Valyrian ones where seemingly men could not beat their wives at all! If you can even consider this "destroying culture", as I'm sure a few would argue. If anything, this was a cultural compromise, and it obviously functioned and was intended as a form of protection for women when before there was absolutely none! Aside from male relatives, but that's not system-wide, makes such cases seem not serious enough or that people across communities shouldn't care too much about others when you personalize it, AND that just reinforces the idea that only men have a property claim over women, be they biologically family or by marriage. Secondly, if you argue that Viserys should have obeyed the "laws" of male primogeniture bc he is a feudal king--the "Protector" of their customs and interests--that is only supported by the swords & loyalty of lords, that the GC of 101 proves that (as if Jaehaerys also didn't use that to enact his own will passively for a male heir), then why is it that Rhaenys seems to do something along those lines and WORK with the current Andal customs, her efforts--which actually are protective to those who needed protecting!!! Rhaenys & her siblings were new monarchs of a newly unified-ish realm, & as unifying conquerors tend to do, they opted for the strategy that would keep them seated bc it made "the lords" comfortable that they would not force them to change the bulk of their religious and cultural practices. Not only did Visenya & Rhaenys arrange strategic marriages that both benefited them and those married (their families), but Aegon made it a point to go on progresses and hear various lords and peasants' issues to arbitrate. Which made it so that these lords felt they would not be led by a leader who'd enforce his laws willy-nilly without considering his subject's conditions or desires. It is in this context that Rhaenys, we could see and assume, was taking a bit of a risk with not one but 2 new laws against men's "rights" over their wives' bodies!

There's Alysanne, who took it a step further in her women's courts, and the right of first nigh abolishment, her attempts at the Citadel, & the Widow's Law. Again, if not for her, Westeros and KL would be 3 steps behind in infrastructure and women's protection. Alysanne was a Queen Consort who had even less power on her own than Rhaenys & Visenya and we see that she had to convince Jaehaerys to implement his laws; it took Septon Barth's interference/support for Jaehaerys to even go along with the abolishment of the right of first night! Later with Viserra, I believe that she arranged the much older Theomore to Viserra bc it coincided with Jaehaerys' plans for that marriage alliance between the Manderlys and the royal house. And to please or to go along with some of her husband's plans was to also add onto her own power…bc a royal Consort only has power by their monarch spouse gives them license to influence and status! Was it clumsy writing? Of course, it was pretty bizarre and partly due to how F&B is written as a historical document despite how this portion of history is better documented than others. Did Alysanne indirectly cause Viserra's death in her refusal to relent from her suspicion that Viserra was trying to become queen, as she interpreted it? Arguably. and I think that GRRM was telling us that over time and over the disappointments w/Jaehaerys, she slowly got more determined to retain any sense control…and where does her control end up coming from? Yeah, GRRM is showing that tightrope, I think.

Rhaenyra was not actively progressive in policy nor direct action as all the prior 3, but to argue that she should be feminist so that the usurpation and the femicide done against her becomes unjustified is absurd! Oh, she wasn't a feminist at all or progressive, she didn't implement any sort of law at all for women or smallfolk [did Aegon?! or Alicent?! or Aemond? Daeron, Otto?! so why are they better?!!!], so that's why she shouldn't be queen even though by the very "law of the land", she is by right the heir to this throne that never actually was about who would make a good, consummate ruler in the first place. 🙄.

So there is a vague & un-discernable, forever shifting, & impossible goal-post-level of feminist activity or "being" that these nihilistic or conservative naysayers use against women being leaders or even passively having positions of power that may still benefit the women of Westeros through setting a precedent &/or actions of necessary intervals that build on the past ones under conditions that are already limiting how much they can do or say in order to be able to put forth those feminist (really proto feminist), anti-slavery, etc., progressive steps--on a damn psychological and psychosocial level that:

diminishes how much brain power and time a woman can put to policy or things outside of the "house" because their power depends on the husband's regard towards them

makes it much harder for women to really commit themselves or fully expect to implement their goals & dreams for any sort of change (or even dream of any) when there's such subtle and unsubtle obstacles in their way: Rhaenyra, her stepmother an siblings plotting against her and then the usurpation, that we see in the microcosm of how the treasury stolen from her and the crown led to the smallfolk turning against her at KL AND the ongoing war, thus preventing her from really establishing herself as Queen/ruling at all; Alysanne, I described with Jaehaerys; Rhaenys, Andal patriarchy; much less, in Rhaena the Black Bride's case, find just actual happiness and plain old security against male aggression!

provides a setting where women become more compelled to compromise with some patriarchal ideas/practices to maintain a certain level of power or defense (there's a thing line to measure and transgress the "right way" and without other's judgement and impatience or lack of faith adds an additional pressure of, outside of fiction but applicable)

leads up to Daenerys having to have the strength to pursue her goals on with her own instincts and compassion and wit, work harder than most men would face in her position...not that any could since men cannot and have not largely had the bridal slave’s experience!

Anyway, all of it ignores or tries to hide the fact that it is exactly that undisrupted male authority over female (of any class or wealth) & under-classed people that is the true destabilizer and destroyer of lives. That there is still so much meaning and real impact in what people like Alysanne and Rhaenys did/do and huge upheavals or entire sweeps of structural change like Dany does takes measured steps!

That through multiple Targ women dying form childbirth, raped, murdered, or sidelined and critically limited in political authority or agency, this becomes so obvious! you cannot oppress half of your population, reduce them to sex-giving broodmares who you can kill if you think they have a male heir on the way or have cheated on you and call yourself progressive! You're actually 10 steps behind where you're supposed to be because half of you is not involved enough in the development of your society!

We wanna be all "feudalism is bad", "blood purity is bad", "the Targs didn't end feudalism so they are the most evil and responsible for all evil in Westeros" but when they see someone either passively or actively seem to make any progress to mitigate the pressures and power of patriarchal boundaries or concepts or whatever....they go screaming "not feminist enough" or "they're actually just like everyone else"! And some of us will also try to say that Daenerys is either entirely too much like her colonist ancestors or she will end up that way as D&D published because she is Targaryen (a bio-essentialist argument) to argue about why SLAVEOWNERS should stay in power!

And it all is very anti-intellectualism, anti-critical thought or introspection and examination...because on closer look and investigation, you will see how F&B is a text that was always anti-misogyny on GRRM's part (attemptively) even as it is misogynist as an-in world text! And it's on purpose--both the writing and how people wax "it's a dragon show, nothing at all to do with misogyny or wokeness!"

Because then you are not challenging the status quo...because you can't reason through it or against it and when it happens in seemingly harmless manifestations people will think it innocuous.

[darkhymns-fic]

Overtime

On his day off, Husk gets a visit from Alastor. It's routine.

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel Characters/Pairing: Husk/Alastor Rating: M Word Count: 1640 Mirror: AO3 Notes: Warning for suggestive situations here and some dubious consent. Just a short fic inspired by this art from @star-junk. It just really made me want to write something with it, so I hope it's okay!

--

It’s the creak of the bed that finally wakes Husk up. Wide-eyed. Fur standing on end. Vulnerable.

Maybe he should be surprised, but he's not at all. All he can think about is how damn tired he is. He’d already had to deal with errands and stocking up the bar, the crates full of bourbon and absinthe wrecking his back as he carried them. He’d had to deal with multiple grabby hands from the same eight-eyed customer, who whined about not getting his attention. And as well, any weird new activity Charlie was cooking up for the hotel residents, and pulling him into it. Not like Husk’s seeking redemption. He isn’t foolish enough to believe it could ever be for him.

There’s a small dip from behind him, on his bed. Another creak. It’s dark, but Husk doesn’t really need to see. The soft shine of red tells him everything he needs to know.

Another of his boss’s little visits.

Husk’s not alert enough to decide what to do. His limbs still feel heavy and his mouth is all dry from drinking himself to sleep. The weight keeps moving around on top of him, softly treading, like an animal through the brush. What makes it all the more eerie though is that he can’t even hear the shadow over him breathe.

That’s when he feels the hand on his wing. 

He grits his teeth, then shivers. His throat rumbles with a sound he could barely restrain, still moving out of the shades of sleep. 

Husk realizes too late that he’s not wearing anything. He always goes to bed bare, his own fur a bitch to deal with.

Finally, a voice.

“Dear Husker,” Alastor whispers, leaning down just a bit. The filter over his voice seems to dial all the way down to low. “You sleep so deeply. And it’s already past noon.” He tsks. “Such a layabout.”

Husk softly groans, all as Alastor keeps his hand in that same place. “Well, I was sleeping fine before you fucking showed up. And what do you care how I spend my Saturday?”

He doesn’t need to look to know how deep Alastor’s smile is, how it cuts into his face until it’s all he is.

Before Husk can even ask what’s the goddamn occasion now, the hand on his wing shifts. A thumb rubs against his feathers, the palm edging across the bend of his wing. The upper feathers are shorter, but they’re also sensitive. He’d give his own bottle of whiskey away if it meant he’d just have less of these stupid fucking soft spots of his, where any stimulation at all just did something to him.

And Alastor knows just where such spots were. Just right there, at the wing’s curve, where the feathers softened, where the red edges into the black. The wings had always been such a cruel joke, with its alternating patterns that resembled some cheap roulette wheel. It was always the one game it had been impossible for him to cheat at.

Alastor’s fingers curl into his wing, the thumb continuing to rub patterns, as if he’s memorizing every soft thread that makes up Husk’s body.

“Come on, why are you–” Husk cuts himself off, his body still struggling with the depth of his fatigue. Infuriating that this is all it takes for Alastor to get such reactions from him, and that he knows just when to do it.

But, despite it all, Husk finally gets his body to half-turn instead of just stretching like some depraved animal. His room is still covered in shadows, with only barely muted hallway light coming from the doorway crack. 

None of that matters. He can still easily make out Alastor’s face, his smile like a crescent moon shining over dark woods. Red swam over both, its color searing into him. He’s still fully dressed, unlike Husk. As if he had just left a social meeting, and then went to his pet for a little play.

“Are you sure you weren’t just waiting for me?” the demon above him asks with a low laugh. “You reacted just so quickly, even for you.”

Now he’s actively trying to piss Husk off, but then there’s another touch. This time, right at the inside of his right thigh. Husk shivers again, and this time, he can’t help but arch his back, just slightly.

Alastor’s expression doesn’t change, even as his fingers part through the fur, trailing through white and black. Even as his other hand keeps weaving a soft language into Husk’s feathers. He plays his body like an instrument, fingers tapping along invisible keys that make the one beneath him sing in a melody so few others would ever hear.

And Alastor is certainly enjoying the show before him.

It’s hard to escape. It’s hard to want to escape.

But he manages to speak, even when he’s lost to the soft touches, to the way they grip and hold. They don’t let go. The fingers are greedy, and Husk is all too familiar with greed and its call.

“It’s my day off, boss…”

Even an ironclad soul like his deserves a little mercy.

Alastor leans down, never letting his fingers rest. They change course, maybe even change tempo, but the insistent petting and stroking is still enough to make Husk into a useless pile of limbs and heat. “Then perhaps you should work a little bit of overtime for me.”

The fact that he’s trying to crack a fucking joke with me now.

Husk flinches, one eye shutting as another wave of warmth rolls over him. Hard enough to sleep with his wings that keep getting in the way, that he could never hug to his body tight enough so that they just disappear. Because not even just Alastor, but everyone loves to grab them. It’s too much. He hates it. He hates how his body just betrays him like this.

“You don’t pay me enough for this shit,” he shoots out. He manages to keep his voice steady, his tone deep, at least for that. He glares up at Alastor, letting the red light leak into his eyes. It always burns when he does so, looking directly at the Radio Demon. 

It’s like looking at his forthcoming death.

Alastor notices. So, he shuts his eyes. And then, he lets a hand rush up Husk’s thigh, then up his chest, until they reach his chin. He leans further down, and down. And down.

Until the tips of their noses brush against the other. Until Husk can finally hear the soft breathing from Alastor, can feel it against his fur.

“Then how about I give you a goodnight kiss in exchange?” he asks, finally opening his eyes. The glee in them is almost manic. “For always putting up with me.”

All these stupid games Alastor loves to play.

The fingers grip his chin, while the others over his wing continue their dance. “After all, I know that’s what you like.” Then, a wink, almost coy in its motion. “You’ve always been such a romantic.”

It’s stupid how Husk’s breath hitches at the thought, even when a nightmare looms over his bed, because that’s what Alastor is. The Radio Demon is every awful, heartstopping sound in the dark. He is every fleeting shadow that you see out of the corner of your eyes. He is every ancient folktale that elders warn their children about, of the monster that takes those lost souls who live on the fringes. And he eats, and eats, and eats.

But like any shapeshifting monster, Alastor can look as pleasant as he wants. And right now, his voice is soft, and his hands still play Husk for every note he can find.

Husk opens his mouth, trying to breathe. He lets his tongue run over Alastor’s thumb, which presses just against his bottom lip. Everyone does play with his wings, but only Alastor knows just how to use them to full effect.

“Deal,” he says. It’s barely audible, like the last breath of a dying man. But Alastor understands. He always does.

The kiss is different from the touches. Alastor is a hungry demon, and he shows it through his mouth the most. Lips press down deeply over Husk’s own, and sharp teeth clash. It’s hard and biting. The kiss stings Husk’s tongue, overwhelms his mouth. It’s like being force fed poison all the while.

But the poison is spiked, because kissing Alastor is always so, so addictive. Husk leans his head up, drinks from it as much as he can. He feels the hand wander down his feathers, move between them and pull gently. Because he likes the texture, Alastor once said to Husk. It calms him. It’s pleasing.

Sometimes, he even takes a feather for himself, using it as a quill. And Husk has to see it in the boss’s room sometimes, a piece of himself that is being used, again, and again, and again–

Husk’s wings move to stretch and wrap around Alastor, like a shroud made with red and black, studded with stars and symbols. He brings the nightmare closer. It’s only half against his will.

Maybe one day, he can make them both disappear.

“More,” he groans out, staring into the red, like falling into a sky at dusk. “If you’re gonna make me work like this.”

The shadows don’t hide for him. They grow into shapes that stretch from Alastor’s head, that cover up the walls into pitch black. He doesn’t care, feeling the promise of that kiss again as a tongue presses against his lips.

“Oh, Husker. With me, you never have to work a day in your life.”

He’s too lost to get angry at the comment.

Alastor wears Husk’s wings proudly around his shoulders as he steals him away once again.

[blazehedgehog]

Do you think there might be some problems that could develop with SAGE showcasing indie games? SAGE was created as an event for the Sonic fandom to make fan games, but now indie games have become part of it. Nothing against it on principle, but what about the legal area? SAGE is still tied to Sonic's image, would it count as using Sonic to sell other products? Or would it be a Chip 'n Dale's Movie Sonic case?

Top comment on the showcase trailer video:

If there were problems, Sega would be the ones causing them, and that's the official Sonic brand account giving their sign of approval.

SAGE was created, speaking as the creator of SAGE here, to demystify fangaming and show the world it had a positive effect on the world. Fangames were seen as illegal bootlegs when I started the event, and I sought to change that perception.

Now, yes, generally speaking, I think if you're trying to stay on the up and up, disconnecting your fangame from commercial promotion as much as humanly possible is the best way to keep your nose clean. Don't run ads on your website, don't run ads on gameplay footage, DEFINITELY do not in any way even LOOK at crowdfunding or paying employees. Stay away from any and all money I/O. Which is very difficult if not impossible because even hosting a website means you are exchanging money with someone in order to distribute your game.

So you have to decide an acceptable level to compromise your morals if you hope to put your game out there, and how much risk that creates for you depends on the company in question, I guess.

Hosting your game on Itch.io? Well, as long as you create a standalone account separate from any real monetized game creation you plan on doing, that might be okay. They don't run ads on Itch.io that I know about.

Hosting your game on Game Jolt? Slightly more risky, because Game Jolt serves ads on their download page.

Mediafire? More risky, because I feel like Mediafire shows extra invasive ads, including, last I heard, those ads that have fake download buttons on them. So not only is Mediafire making money, they are engaging in active deception.

Hosting it on a Patreon? Way more risky. Even if you have the post set to $0, you are bringing people to a page where they can give you money for your services.

I technically do this with some of my very old game projects, but none of those are anywhere close to finished games, and they are all almost universally just fragments of unimportant side projects. For example, I do not have builds of TFH up there, or MarioWeen. It's mostly just software I started and did not finish, mixed in with a couple of like, early alpha engine tests if I remember right.

I've also thought about just straight up taking them down and hosting them somewhere else (the itch.io archive might be my best bet, or even archive.org). It does make me uncomfortable to have them up there, but it was a stable, clean place to host things like that when I first launched that Patreon, like, what, 8 years ago? Now they're buried at the very very very bottom of my post list and I'm probably the only person who remembers that they're there.

Anyway, if it was a problem, I think Sega would let us know. And I say "let us know" instead of, say, just stomping their boot all over SAGE and killing it without recourse. I think, given what a positive force it is not just in the community, but in the indie gaming space, if it was a problem, they could talk it out with whoever is running the show that year.

But this is a place to cultivate future game developers. It is good for the game industry. And I've said it here, or maybe other places, but I've often wondered if Steam's multiple demo events they host every year was inspired by something like SAGE. It's kind of become a big deal, and it keeps growing to be a bigger deal every year, and at least so far, nobody's abused or exploited it yet.

Not that they even could -- SAGE is curated. Not a lot, but enough that I know there were booths rejected for 2024. You can be, and people have been, kicked out of SAGE for being abusive. Participating in SAGE is a privilege, not a public service.

So I think everything will be fine.

[sissytobitch10seconds]

A Peculiar Flock of Crows: Fly Towards Home

Fandom: Grishaverse: Shadow and Bone and Six of Crows Summary: With the entire group together, they begin to work out the kinks in their dynamics. That is, until they happen across what looks to be a crime in action. Warnings: Hate crimes, human experimentation, threats, and violence Word Count: 7,496 Ship(s): Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar

Archive link!

A/N: We've got another installment! I honestly love the fusion between these fandoms so much, it works almost as well as MPHFPC and TUA lol. I hope that you guys enjoy! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

They had been making good progress while the group was still too nervous to really get into their differences. As that began to fade, the problems arose.

Kaz and Inej were the first to begin. They started sniping at each other about what the best way to go across dangerous territory was. Inej had her training scaling the sides of impossible cliffs and sheer rockfaces, but Kaz had experience with sneaking around people that were actively looking for him. When they finished with that, they argued about politics and religion and pretty much anything else. It was obvious to everyone other than them that they were flirting with each other.

Jesper and Wylan were also obviously interested in the other but their class difference had caused a lot of problems in the beginning. 

Nina was proud to say that she was able to keep her tongue in her mouth instead of teasing Matthias endlessly, until he had demanded that they cross the river so he could be closer to Trassel instead of waiting for the wolf to come closer on his own. After they had fished him out of the water, she had really let loose. Now they couldn’t go more than a couple of steps without her tearing him apart about something or other. They had almost gotten caught by several hunting parties that could have alerted the authorities about them because of their incessant arguing.

A couple days after the river incident, things began to soothe for everyone else. She was glad that Wylan and Jesper had finally worked out whatever issues had arisen between the two of them while they were traveling, but she thought that the moon eyes were going to be the death of her. They usually hung towards the back of the group so that they could not-so-subtly whisper flirt to each other while holding hands. None of the rest of them cared very much about the fact that they were both boys, what they cared about was the fact that it was slowing them down.

She supposed that she couldn’t really complain about it, she was just feeling a bit jealous. Jesper had been her surrogate brother while she was living with him and Colm. She had cherished the connection that she had with another peculiar during that time, even if she was living life quite differently to how she was used to. She had lost everyone that she had ever known when she had been forced to flee her loop so that she could survive. She had found a bit of what she had back with Ms. Eagle in the form of her brother, but then she had lost it again when they had found more peculiars. Her days became a constant struggle to manage her jealousy towards Wylan, her contempt for Matthias, and actually getting them to the place that they needed to be.

It was exhausting, but she was pushing through it. She just wished that the others would make it a bit easier before she absolutely lost her mind. The monotony of endless trees, mountains, and farms was beginning to get to all of them and was making them a bit cranky. Every place that they stayed seemed the same even if it changed fairly significantly. They had several wool blankets, two per person, that they would use to bed down in the empty barn, cave, or under the bramble bushes for the night. They were loosing out on sleep because they had to stay up so that they could keep watch for wights, which likely wasn’t helping with them feeling like everything was the same. Inej, Wylan, and Matthias were all tied for the most moral of the group so their bad attitude was coming from the realization that they did have to steal eggs and crops from the small gardens they came across so that they could keep their bellies full, more than what they could forage would ever hope to. 

Nina was convinced that if they didn’t come across something more interesting, she was going to have to pry Kaz’s hands from around Jesper’s neck.

She immediately wished that she hadn’t thought that because as they crested their latest hill, she spotted something that made her heart stutter in her chest. She held her arms out to either side of her so that she could tell the rest of her crew that something was wrong and then dropped down to her belly. She averted her gaze from the sight on the path next to the hill so that she could check on the others and saw that they had all, including Trassel, followed suite to her.

Nina then inched closer to the ridge of the hill where she gazed down at what she had discovered again. There were three men standing around the back of an army truck, one of the ones that locked from the outside and had a massive compartment used for lugging supplies to soldiers or to boats for contract. They were wearing the brown and green military fatigues of the British army but it was clear based on the way that they were holding themselves that they were anything but. Two of them had rifles clutched in their hands and the third kept touching his hand down to his hip where a shiny pistol rested. Each of them were also wearing sunglasses despite the gray smog of clouds that was painted over the sky and had been since early that morning.

“What’s going on?” Wylan asked, having been knocked down the furthest down the hill. He was also the second smallest out of their entire group so it was harder for him to spy.

“I think that we just ran into another group of wights,” Nina supplied.

“They look like soldiers to me,” Matthias replied, his brows furrowing together. Something jumped in her stomach and a rush of anger surged through her bones. Every time she said something, he had to contradict her about it with his own opinion. She had tried to give him the benefit of the doubt in the beginning with assuming that he just liked to talk or wanted to make conversation but didn’t have great people skills. Now she was beginning to believe that it was him singling her out.

Inej let out a low breath like she was preparing for something, and then she disappeared. The grass where she was before had wavered in the wind for a moment as it sprang back up. There was a light creak in the tree above them, the one that was casting black and white dancing shadows down onto the road, but it was easy to pass it off as the wind. They had been traveling with the girl for long enough that they knew it wasn’t, though they also knew better than to tilt their head up and give away her location.

Nina let her anger go and then turned towards Matthias, “I think that I know how to spot wights better than you do.” She bit her lip when she turned her gaze back down to the road, figuring that she maybe hadn’t let go of as much anger as she had thought.

“How do you even acquire a skill like that? They look like everyone else and according to your wondrous Ms. Eagle, they’re masters of blending in with others,” Kaz snarked. He had also been causing her quite a lot of headaches, but he reminded her of her older sister back in her loop.

“I know that they’re wights because I’m not a damned normal,” she snapped back. “They’re good at pulling the wool over on kids that don’t know any better and people that aren’t even aware of the whole other world that lurks right next to them.”

She could almost feel the breath that Jesper released when she said that. She had been trying to explain more of her world to him since they had first met up and she was introduced into the Fahey home, but she struggled. Nina had lost everything when her loop had been raided and so even thinking about the times before the raid made her entire body ache with mourning grief. She knew that he had been worried about Colm since they had started on their journey and he was right to do so. Reassuring him that it was easier for normals to spot wights when they knew about peculiars was the least that she could do, even indirectly.

“What do you think that they’re doing?” Wylan asked. He inched up the hill so that he was laying on his belly between Matthias and Trassel. The separation of that particular soul would have resulted in a fight if it was anyone else, but Matthias had a soft spot for Wylan.

“They’re probably transporting something,” Matthias shrugged awkwardly as he unbundled his arms from underneath him. It made him look like a weird slug when he was no longer holding himself up with his elbows, but she knew that he was reaching towards the long hunting rifle that the villagers had given them when they left.

“Yes, but what?” Jesper finally questioned as he wiggled up on the other side of Nina. For a moment, she mourned the loss of Matthias’ warmth and visage beside her. She shook the thought away almost immediately after it lodged itself in her brain. She didn’t need his comments her way of life, or his constant contradictions of every opinion that passed through her lips. It was better that there was some separation between the two of them.

They all went quiet as something more began to happen on the roads below. They were nearing the town that Nina knew an old peculiar lived in, which meant that there was a speckling of homes around them. The one across from the hill that they were hiding out on was like something out of a tale of the American plains. It was dug into the earth so that the stairs had to go down significantly before the door could jut up from the ground. There was a single window on the top of the mound, right next to where a chimney was belching gray smoke into the air. 

The wights stalked down to the door and then burst it open. They took hold of someone inside and then tugged him through the entrance so that he was on display for them all to see. He had slanted golden eyes and dark hair that looked as though it should have been styled and wasn’t. He couldn’t have been older than any of them based on the awkward way that his body was put together, like he hadn’t finished growing into all of it yet. He was wearing plain trousers and a white shirt like every farmer in the area did.

“Please let me go! I don’t even know what I did,” he cried as the men turned him around so that they could bind his hands. “I don’t know where my father is!”

Wylan let out a small gasp and then had to duck further back down the hill when the wights turned around to see if someone was there. Nina pressed her hands together as she reached out for their hearts with her gift, waiting for them to get so close that she had to take them out. She wasn’t nearly trained enough to take them all out at once, though. A silent breath of relief washed over the group when he turned back around and walked over to the crying boy.

“Hush, boy. You’re making a scene,” the man replied gruffly. He finished twisting the cuffs into place and then extended something in between them. It was a thin metal bar that would keep the wrists separated while changing them to whatever the wights decided to attach the leash to. 

Kaz leaned forward slightly, his dark coffee eyes boring in on the metallic object. “What is that?”

“His peculiar ability must have something to do with his hands,” Nina frowned. She remembered what had happened when the wights had raided her own loop. They had brought something very similar with them when they had heard that she was one of Ms. Eagle’s wards. She supposed that the boy they had captured was somewhat like her friends had been and thus the wights wanted to make sure that he couldn’t use his talent.

“We have to get him out of there,” Wylan insisted as he watched what was happening again. His brows were knit together and his hands were clutching at the grass like he was trying to pull it all up.

Nina had already resolved that their group was going to have to do something, but she was glad that there was someone there to back her up. She hadn’t been able to talk about the true horrors that she had seen and been told about when she was working as a partial healer with the ymbryne council in their headquarters. Those memories were the ones that haunted her right alongside the night of the raid. 

“Just how are we going to do that?” Jesper snarked as he turned towards his boyfriend. Even though they had settled most of their differences, it was still hard for them to keep their bickering to themselves at times.

Wylan opened his mouth to say something, his cheeks flushing pink with indignation. Before he had the chance, the boy on the other side of Nina rasped, “I have an idea.”

They scuttled away from the edge of the hill with Jesper watching the road, his rifle mounted like he was true soldier instead of an awkward teenage boy too old for his farm and too young for the army. They huddled around each other so that they could talk in hushed voices while they made a plan on what they were doing to do. Kaz proved to be intelligent beyond his years even when he wasn’t using his gift.

By the time that they had actually set their plan in motion, Nina almost wished that she had vetoed Kaz. She slipped away from the group and hurried as far down the path as she could go with the truck barreling merrily down the road. She was adjusting the ringlets that were matted from sleeping on the ground and her shoving them out of her face. She made them look as neat and pretty as she could while also shoving the grass and dirt off of her blouse so that her breasts were on display. She wasn’t sure that this would actually work on the wights since they were power-hungry eugenicists, but Kaz had insisted that he knew everything there was to know about a man’s desires.

She slipped out of the forest and onto the road, where she stuck her hand out to try and catch the attention of the cars moving past. Nina pretended to just barely be spotting the armored truck instead of having been following it for the better part of half a mile. She had no idea how many people were inside of the vehicle for it to be moving so slowly.

Nina raised her arms above her head and then waved them to get the attention of the men inside. She had been expecting them to charge right past her without a single care in the world, but they stopped and pulled over. The one in the driver’s seat got out and then leaned closer to her, “Can we help you, little lady?” he asked.

“I’m certainly hoping that you can,” she purred. She hated the idea of having to be seductive to men that not only wanted to kill her, but were far older than her. Her thoughts strayed back to Matthias and she felt her heart skip a beat in her chest. She tried to focus on the mission ahead of her instead of the very confusing feelings fluttering like a nest of bats in her chest.

“What would someone like you need from us?” the man on the other side of the driver asked.

Nina placed her hands behind her, curling down her pinky and ring finger with her thumb while leaving the other two distended. She reached out with her powers so that she could feel the thrumming of their pulses in their bodies. She traced the feeling up to their hearts and then urged the organs to slow so that they would loose enough oxygen to pass out.

She had been so focused on using the powers that she wasn’t trained enough in that she didn’t think to reply for a couple of seconds. She made herself flush by bringing up a dream that she had shoved away the night previous and then tilted her head down shyly. “Well, I just got a tad bit lost. I was wondering if you could help me get back to my grandmother’s home?”

As she moved, she pressed her chest out and up so that the crease where the mounds rested together was more visible. She noticed, with a bit of disgust, that it only made the wight leer at her more than it had before. Maybe she should have just told Jesper to shoot him when they had the jump on the wights before.

 “Where would that be?” the driver asked.

She hadn’t thought of that before. She would have to come up with a quick answer and then unlock her hands so that the guards wouldn’t by under her spell anymore. Nina desperately tried to think of something that she could say to get out of that situation. She didn’t know where any non-peculiar towns were settled or even where the closest standalone home was. She couldn’t even unclasp her hands because it was vital that the guards were sleepy enough to not notice what was happening in the back of their van.

All of her thoughts came to a screeching halt when she heard the other guard say, “Hey Ron, do you feel off at all?”

“Now that ya mention it, I think that I do,” the man replied. He shifted around in his seat and then tilted the edges of his sunglasses down so that he could get a better look at Nina.

The wights had always seemed so inhuman to her that she had never realized that they might have trouble seeing from behind the dark glasses that they always wore. To her, they didn’t need to see because they always just knew. They knew where the best place to find peculiars were, the best places to stash the children that they stole, the best places to hunt down normals for their hollowgasts, and everything else that an evil maniac would need to know. The idea of her being truly viewed by someone that had once been a person and then had made the conscious decision to become that insidious and evil made her take a small step backwards. 

Her own heart was thrumming wildly out of control in her chest. She was still focusing on pumping the blood through their veins as slowly as possible without killing them. Ms. Eagle had never even let them maim the normals in her loop, not even for practice in defending themselves. Nina had a strong bias against killing people, even when they were wights in the middle of kidnapping an innocent.

The anxiety that she had already been experiencing increased tenfold because she saw a shape out of the corner of her eye. She refused to tilt her head or even let her irises flicker in that direction because she knew what it was. Inej had likely launched herself out of the tree that she had used to get a better vantage point, which meant that she was either on top of the truck or on the other side of it already. Kaz was the one that was going to make the biggest fuss since he had to limp down the hill and to the bolted doors so that he could get through the lock.

She desperately wanted to look towards her friends so that she could tell if they were alright, but she knew that she couldn’t. Even a slight movement in their direction would give them away and result in them all being very badly hurt. That made the anxiety simmering in her stomach all the worse, the muscles clamping down around the meager breakfast of wild berries and grasses that they had found.

“I think we’ve got a girl with a tricky set of fingers,” the wight on the other side of the driver said.

“I think that we do,” Ron replied. “Mind showing us those lovely hands of yours, girlie?” he asked.

She couldn’t release her fingers because then it would immediately result in them being able to break from her hold. If she dropped them under too quickly, then they would suffer brain damage or worse. She didn’t want to have to deal with hiding bodies or bringing them to a hospital to explain what had happened. If they left two dead people in the middle of a country road the townspeople her group was trying to get to would no doubt suffer the consequences of her action.

“Oh, sir, I really don’t think that’s necessary, sirs,” she shook her head. “I just wanted to get a ride back to where I live, but I don’t think that you’ve got room for all of me. You can continue down the road if you want.”

Nina wasn’t sure what the words that were spilling out of her mouth were meant to do. She was supposed to be keeping the wights distracted with the rest of the team did their work, not sending them on their way before they could even get those damned doors open. She realized that they should have stationed someone on the other side of the hill so that she could have had a sign about how far along the plan was. She didn’t know how long she was supposed to be distracting them for.

Relief and anxiety mixed together in her so that she felt like she was falling apart. Neither of them men seemed like they were just going to leave, but that also meant that she had to find a way to flirt or manipulate her way out of the hole that she had dug for herself. “I don’t think you were quite understanding what I was asking, girl,” the wight in the driver’s seat replied. He reached down to his waist and then pulled a shiny gun from the holster she had seen on his belt earlier. He flicked the safety off and then pointed the barrel directly at her forehead. “Just what do you think that you’re trying to pull on us?”

Slowly, she peeled her hands apart and then let their heartbeats go back up to what they were supposed to be. As she raised her hands up into the air so that they could see her palms. “Nothing, I was just trying to get home,” she made tears well in her eyes as she cast her head down towards the ground. She made sure that she looked as pathetic as she had when she had gotten caught sneaking around with Ivan and Fedyor when they were supposed to be studying. It was a talent that was unrelated to her peculiar abilities but had helped her get out of trouble just as often as the other had.

“Do you think that we’re stupid?” the other wight asked. “We can tell that you’re a fucking peculiar, which means that we’re going to have to round you up. I think that you’ll make a wonderful experience, I’m eager to see what parts of you we can bottle.”

Her stomach roiled at the mention of that. She knew what they did to people like her, she knew what they would try to do to someone that had powers like her, but it was different to have it actually threatened on her by someone that was willing to do it. “I don’t think that we’re talking the same language anymore. I don’t know what a peculiar is,” she was lying through her teeth and she could already see that they knew it.

Ron stepped out of the cab without moving the pistol from where it was pointed. She was able to take a moment to admire the fact that Jesper’s pistols, the one that his mother had brought with her when she moved away from her family to marry Colm, were far prettier than the ones that the wights had secured. Almost as soon as that thought had fled from her mind, she realized that the seconds of her life were ticking slowly further and further down.

“I think that the time for lies is over, kid,” he chuckled. “You’re going to stay right here while my friend goes around to the back of the truck so that we can get something to keep those hands apart.”

Nina knew that there was no fighting it now. He knew what she was and how she used her powers, she was too close to the boy that they had just taken from his own home. She should have taken Matthias, with all his thick accent and charm, up on his offer and let him be in her place. If she had then they wouldn’t have found out about him as quickly as they did her. She would have been able to focus more so that she could drop them quicker. They could be halfway down the road with their new companion in tow instead of her facing down the barrel of steal pointed at her brain.

She heard a snap come from up on the hill and then some rustling grass. She wasn’t sure who had moved or why they were no longer hiding out in the gully while waiting for Kaz and Inej to finish, but she loathed whoever it was with every fiber of her being. The wights had picked up on it just as easily as she had and while the gun stayed trained exactly where it had been before, Ron turned his head so that he could look towards the direction of the sounds.

As soon as he determined that nothing more was going to happen, he looked back to her. He leaned forward so that she could hear his breath in a whispered rasp and feel the heat of his breath against her skin. “It would be pity if we had to lose you, but don’t think that I won’t shoot if there’s something that you’re still holding back from us,” he growled.

“I’m not, I promise,” she choked. The tears that she had faked earlier were becoming real. They raced down her face without even a breath or pause, cooling the embarrassed heat of her cheeks.

The other wight had apparently finished getting around the other side of the truck and had spotted something. “Hey! What are you doing back here?” he shouted.

As soon as he gave a signal that something could be wrong, Ron wrapped his arm around Nina’s neck and then held her with the barrel of the gun pressed to her skin. She could feel the way that the metal was heating with the warmth of her own body and the press of the man against her back. She was very aware of every second that crept past and the shaking of the wight’s hand. Even a single twitch or jerk in the wrong direction could result with her dying.

“What’s going on?” Ron shouted to his partner.

“I found another one of those fucking kids! They’re lousy in these fields, boss is going to be so happy with us,” the other wight replied. He walked around the edge of the truck so that they were standing on the edge of it lengthwise. He had Kaz in his grasp, the boy breathing hard as he stared directly at where the wight’s bare hand was wrapped around Kaz’s wrist. Her friend’s pupils were blown wide and he had his teeth bared like he was a feral animal waiting for the right moment to strike.

“What do you think his power is?” the wight asked.

“Something to do with the locks, I found him trying to pick it,” the man explained as he jerked his head to where they had just come from.

There was another rustle and then suddenly Kaz was dropped. The wight reached towards his neck as Inej stepped out of the shadow of the truck with a shiny silver knife pressed into the wight’s neck. “Good, you’ve already let him go,” she said happily when she noticed Kaz scrambling to get up. “Are you going to finish cooperating with us?”

“I’m going to hang you by your hair and cut your soul out of those traveler’s feet,” he snarled. He then spat on her hand and sneered a word that made Inej’s face go ashy pale. Nina had heard it a couple of times before, but she had never contemplated the weight that it would hold for her new friend. Inej pulled the knife to the side so that there was a blooming slit in the wight’s neck that leaked thick red blood down onto his pressed military shirt. It wasn’t hard enough to damage anything beyond repair, but it was going to have a grizzly scar.

“I’ll fucking shoot her, you don’t think I’ll do it?” Ron shouted when he seemingly snapped back to his senses.

Nina let out a sob but refused to move at all, lest his finger twitch too close to the trigger ands he end up as another entry in the Tales or Ms. Eagles famous records.

A shot ran through the air.

The entire glen was silent for a moment before Nina let out a scream. It was so loud that her throat ached and her entire body was quivering with the force of it. The fear that had been brewing in her veins exploded out around like a firework so that she couldn’t contain herself anymore. She felt like her power was overflowing out of her in grand waves when she felt the blood that she had been trying to control earlier trickling down her back and soaking into the material of her shirt.

A hand reached out and grabbed her so that she was up against a firm chest and wrapped up in a pair of warm warms. She could feel lips moving on her hair and a hand brushing against her neck as whoever it was tried to calm her down. “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

Matthias’ warm, honey deep accented voice made the quivering movements of her body calm so that she felt like she was able to stand on her own. After the weeks that they had traveling together and their constant bickering throughout, she hadn’t ever expected to find that kind of comfort him. He felt like the only real thing in the entire world as she dug her fingers into the fabric of his shirt. Trassel’s fur brushed on her other side, where her socks barely didn’t cover the skin that her skirt exposed on the backs of her knees. She was consumed by the love and care of the boy that she had thought she hated, his soul reaching out to find her in both of the forms that it took.

“Wh-who shot him?” Nina asked after a second.

“I did. Sorry, love,” Jesper whispered. Matthias had already released her, so Jesper was able to reach over to her and bring her into a hug. She clung just as tightly to her surrogate brother as she had the boy she was falling in love with. They broke apart and then turned back to the bodies that they had just created.

“What are we going to do about them?” she asked. She was trying not to let her eyes stray to where Inej was sitting on the bank of the hill with her head in her hands. Based on the shaking of her shoulders and the white handkerchief that was clutched in her hand, she was crying. Nina knew the feeling, being around death never got easier even if the dead were completely irredeemable and had left the world a better place without them.

The sound of metal against metal sounded on the back of the truck. “Stupid fucking lock,” Kaz growled as he threw the door open. “Jesper!”

“Coming, boss,” the man replied with a lazy grin as he walked over to the back of the truck’s compartment. “Hello there,” he greeted the boy that they had seen inside.

Nina tried not to think about the gelling red liquid on her back as she joined them. She had the ability to do minimal healing, so if the wights had ruffed up the boy then they were going to need her to help him before they could move on.

“Wh-what’s going on?” he asked, shaking slightly. Jesper stepped up into the back of the truck and then knelt down in front of the boy. He looked over the bar to assess whether or not it would be easier for him or Kaz to do it. When they were making their plan, it was determined that if Kaz didn’t have to touch the new member of their crew then he would handle the lock. If the lock was too close to the boy’s skin, Jesper was going to have to do it.

He let out a small huffing noise when he determined what he was going to have to do. He shifted so that he was sitting with his calves and thighs flush together and then got to work. She had seen him work many times before, when they had managed to steal a second for themselves away from Colm, but it was different when they were still in the midst of such a dangerous situation.

Nina sat down on the ground beside him as Jesper continued to work. He had to be careful so that none of the metal developed barbs that would dig into the skin of the boy’s wrists. “My name is Nina Zenik, can you tell me what you’re called?”

“Kuwei Yul-Bo,” he answered nervously. “Who are you people?”

“We’re the Crows,” Kaz replied, his voice dark and raspy where he was standing at the edge of the opening. He was grasping the head of his cane as tightly as a person could without breaking it. 

“We are?” Matthias asked as he stepped up behind the other. Trassel was by his side as he always was, casting a suspicious gaze towards Kuwei.

“Nina and Inej keep talking about birds, so we might as well give ourselves some kind of name to go along with it,” he shrugged.

She rolled her eyes, but she could already feel some of the anxiety falling away from her. While it was true that peculiars were much better at handling stress and anxiety than normals were, coming close to dying as liable to mess anyone up. “We’re what’s called peculiars. That means that we can do things that other people can’t. For example, I can control people’s pulses and other parts of their bodies,” she reached over to him and placed her hand on his arm so that she could slow the steady rocketing of his heart to allow him to feel calmer.

“We those people that came into my house like you?” he asked, his eyes glancing nervously out to the crowd around the back of the truck. 

Nina shook her head, “The people that took you were called wights, they try to find people like us so that they can take away what makes us special for their own gain.”

Kuwei’s face went dark with understanding and he nodded at her. “My dad mentioned something about that before he left. I thought that he was talking about the Axis Powers and the war, but I think that there was another war I didn’t really understand.”

“There certainly is,” Nina breathed as she rolled her shoulders to readjust herself. She could still feel the hot blood spilling down her back even though it was dried and flaking in large chunks onto the surface of the truck.

Before she could spiral any further into her mind, Jesper raised his hands above his head in triumph and shouted, “Finished!” He was grasping both parts of the bar that had been separating Kuwei’s hands in his own so that they were no longer on the boy.

“Thank you,” he said awkwardly as he rubbed his fingers over his wrists.

“Are you hurt? I can do some first aid or help heal some smaller injuries,” she offered. He pursed his lips together like he wasn’t quite sure that he could trust her yet and then nodded. She motioned for him to show her and then he turned slowly around to pull up his shirt, which revealed a nasty gash on his hip from the door of his home. Nina trailed her hand over the wound so that she could sense anything that might have been inside of it. There were only a couple of splinters and they were all big enough that she was able to pull them out without another peculiar or a pair of tweezers. Once the wound was mostly clean, she brushed her fingers over the first layer to seal the skin and vessels.

She had been taught on how to do that by one of her mentors back in her old loop, but putting it into real practice made her miss them more than anything. She had known that she wasn’t going to be able to train with them or even spend time with them for quite a while, it had been one of the first things that she had come to terms with after the raid. It was only now hitting her how desperately she was going to miss them, though.

“There we are,” Nina chirped as she finished her work. “Come on, we have to get going before other people discover what we’ve done.”

“What are we going to do about the bodies?” Wylan asked when they appeared on the road beside him.

Kaz and Nina glanced at each other. He had experience with death and the real world, but she was the most experienced in the world of the peculiars. Together, if they could figure out how to separate their personal differences from their work, they would make an unstoppable team. They came to the same conclusion at the same time and then turned back to Wylan so that Kaz could say, “That’s where you come in, rich boy. Jesper, matthias, help me get both of the men back into the cab.”

“I don’t really want to touch the dead body,” Matthias replied as he turned to stare down at the man that Inej had slit the neck of.

“I don’t care what you do or do not want to do, this is what we have to do to survive,” Kaz snapped. “Jesper, make sure that you take the bullet from the one that you shot.”

Jesper had been hesitating, but he had a lot more experience with touching dying bodies. She had seen the way that he was able to take down a deer and then gut it in the woods. Even she hadn’t been able to do that and she had had her hands inside of a living man before. He leaned down and picked up the man he had killed before he stuffed him awkwardly back into the driver’s seat. He was standing on the edge of the truck with one hand on the door to keep him steady with the other sensed around for the bullet that had flown from his gun and saved Nina’s life.

Matthias did the same on the passenger’s side while grumbling in a language that none of them knew. He closed the door with more force than he meant to, which caused the driver to slump out at Jesper. Eventually, both boys were able to get the bodies back into the cab of the truck and then turned to the man in charge of their little group.

“The rest of us are going to head a safe distance down the path and then Wylan is going to blow up the truck. They’re both inside, which means that if anyone finds them, peculiar or normal, they’ll assume that something happened to their truck. Make sure that the explosion is hot enough that it can obscure the slit throat and bullet wound,” he instructed Wylan sternly.

The boy swallowed hard enough that his Adam’s apple visibly bobbed in his throat but he gave a nod anyway. He stood awkwardly in front of the grill of the truck as the rest of the group began down the path. 

Nina was limping a little bit because she had stepped wrong on her ankle when she had been grabbed, but she was between Matthias and Trassel so she could believe nothing bad would happen to her. She didn’t miss the way that his knuckles would graze against her own every third step, or the way that the wolf was burying her fingers into his thick fur.

They had walked about half a mile before they heard the massive explosion that Wylan had caused. Whatever he had done was hot and angry enough that it send a rush of power through the forest, rippling the grasses and the trees. Nina could almost feel the warmth of it baking the blood onto her back. 

He came running down the path a moment later with his red curls soaked with sweat on his forehead and his pupils dilated with adrenaline. The moment that he was close enough, Jesper reached out and grabbed the other man so that he was pulled into a hug. He then tilted their faces together and collided their lips together despite the presence of the newest member of their party.

“That was actually kind of fun, especially if I get to be kissed like that every time I blow something up,” Wylan giggled when they had to break apart.

“As long as you always blow something up when I’m around, then I’ll make sure to kiss you like that every time, alright?” Jesper chuckled.

Wylan gave a shy nod and then broke apart from him so that they could ace the rest of the group. His cheeks were already tinged pink, but his entire face became sunburn red when he realized that they were all watching him. Nina didn’t really care what he had just shared a kiss with his boyfriend, she desperately wanted to be able to do the same thing to Matthias.

The realization that she was already that deep into her feelings for him hit her like a bag of bricks. She had known that he was handsome like the sun had birthed him into the world, but she had always thought him as something of an annoyance. He still held that moniker in her name, but she couldn’t help the fact that she enjoyed that. He made her feel safe in a way that no one else ever had.

“What’s the next step in the plan?” Inej asked. She was shaky and still a little pale from their fight earlier.

“We get as far away from the blast as we can. I know that the town over the ridge is small, but it’s bound to have at least a sheriff that will come sniffing. We don’t want to be here when he does,” Kaz replied.

“We should probably also find a river so that I can soak the blood out of my hair, then,” Nina sighed. “I doubt that we would be able to avoid getting much attention if I’m walking around looking like I have a headwound.”

“Hey, I made very sure that you weren’t the one to get the headwound,” Jesper squawked indignantly.

Kaz cleared his throat to get their attention before they all had the chance to start fighting again. “We have to get going, now. Inej, why don’t you and Nina go looking for a river and then catch up with us when you get the chance?”

“Then I’m going with them,” Matthias immediately replied. “Trassel can go with your group so that he doesn’t get attacked by local wildlife and it will allow us to find you faster.”

The defacto leader of their group looked like he didn’t believe the excuse for a second, and Nina could really either. She didn’t say anything, though, and soon they had all split up so that they could meet back up and continue their search for a loop.

[lover-of-mine]

Your blog today has been so eye-opening. I have not been aware of half of what has happened because the block button was my friend when the other side got so nasty. I'm still not holding my breath he's gone. But when you bring up what makes Oliver and Ryan comfortable. It's not so far-fetched to believe that now we know they hang out here they see and read us. And if they saw LFJ cameos creating the personal attacks on Ryan and the distortion of Oliver's storyline. Well, yeah. I can see why LFJ seemed so tense in those BTS shots where he sat there pouting after he spoiled the medal ceremony. Did he get a talking, too? He seemed loathe to engage with the cast. Maybe he thought building up a fandom would secure him space, and instead, he caused chaos. Because it's definitely his fans causing the trouble. None of us went to send hate on the pride post because we aren't that mean. I guarantee their side won't be kind when they post a Buddie IG soon.

Anyways... I guess now I'm looking at it more clear eyed. If Ryan, Oliver and Tim saw this going down I could see them pulling the plug. Especially if the other side tries to turn Gerrard into a Tommy centric story.

Okay, look, Oliver or Ryan alone do not have the type of pull necessary to force Lou to shut down the cameo. Someone talking to Lou after he spoiled the medal thing? Possible. Someone talking to him because every controversy in the fandom lately has his name in the middle and people keep using stuff he said to back them up, including harassing cast members? Extremely possible. Because here's the thing, a controlled ship war is good for business. If it wasn't triangles wouldn't be so popular. The thing here is when one side is getting fuel from an actor who's getting paid to say stuff that goes against the actual promotional stuff they are putting out. Oliver and Ryan may talk a lot about Buck and Eddie's relationship, but they never gave specific and detailed storylines that don't align with show. The cameos add a layer of complications that no one wants to deal with, because it's leading to cast/production members being harassed for not following up on shit they never promised. It's one thing when fandom chaos is just fans being chaotic. When the justification all start looking like "oh but so and so said that in this video" you have a marketing problem in your hands. I guarantee you that even if Lou wasn't told to shut down, he saw the light and shut it down on his own, abc pr people are looking into just adding stuff to everyone's contract to stop all of their actors from doing the type of cameo he was doing anyway because that creates a pr aspect they cannot control. So they stop having control of their own narrative. No one officially promised more Tommy. In fact most of the interviews we saw during 705/06 had them talking about how they were not sure if he was gonna come back because they were still filming, and didn't have all the scripts. The one interview with Lou and Oliver barely talks about them. But then Lou comes out in full gear talking about bt thriving it created an expectation that people are demanding while citing someone linked to the show. And even though he has no creative power, he's the face the audience knows. Most people don't know Tim's face. Why would people take him seriously when the guy they are seeing on screen is saying something else? Obviously, they're gonna try to get control of that back, and getting there talk would explain why he doesn't have the level of "goofy" moments with the cast in the bts stuff.

I do believe that if when promo starts, people start actively attacking Oliver and Ryan if they choose to use both of them together to promote the season, focusing on their comfort is more likely than ignoring it and hoping people will forget about it. Buck and Eddie are the main characters and I've never seen the show do shit that implies they want their cast to be uncomfortable.

And I don't blame Lou for the cameos, like, that's smart as hell. He upped his exposure, the character acceptance, forced himself into another season. I applaud him for using his tools for his gain, it's a business. No one told him not to do it beforehand and he went for it. There's a lot of shit going on using that as fuel, but no one could've predicted the CHAOS this ship would bring. This fandom has been a monoshipper fandom forever. It was buddie or die. I don't think anyone involved expected people to flip. So they don't know how to handle it. In the end, I guess we have to wait for the season to evolve.

[anomnum]

Where I've Been

Hey folks, I just wanted to drop in and say that I am not actually dead or anything like that. Check the end of this post for information on what's actually been going on in my life, but before then, I just want to give an update on all of my writing projects.

Currently, I am in the middle of rewriting "Daughter of the Wild One," "The Brother and the Father," "Eden of the Soul, Volume One: Angels of the Dark," and "Fear Stops None, Salvation Seeker." There is also a rewrite of my oldest writing project, "Lost at Sea," being worked on, but it is not getting the attention it deserves in leu of my other fics. DotWO and FSNSS are the most actively being worked on, with TBatF and EotS taking a bit of a backseat to them. I also have multiple other unannounced projects in the background, which I occasionally work on in between the larger ones.

DotWO has been undergoing a reformat, as I wasn't a fan of the multi-part chapters, especially since AO3 doesn't allow for custom chapter numbering formats. I am instead splitting it into in-chapter Acts, which I plan to allow readers to jump to from the top of the page, so as to not overwhelm them with my admittedly mega-sized chapters. I'm attempting to drum up my motivation to keep pushing on the project, but it's slow going. The latest chapter is also still being worked on, but the rewrite and reformat is taking priority.

The rewrite of FSNSS has pretty much evolved from a simple rewrite to a complete and utter reboot, as I've gone all out with what I'm planning to do for the series. My biggest problem with the fanfics I wrote before 2022 and onwards was a lack of planning, which I've rectified by now doing an absurd amount of planning - this is part of why I've been so radio silent. I will say that I'm incredibly happy with what I've done for FSNSS, and I hope you'll all love it as much as I do when it finally releases.

A significant portion of my time has also been dedicated towards working on the latest update for my Fallout 4 mod, Anom's Sanctuary Hills Overhaul, which involves a lot of tedious navmesh rebuilding. I also have a large Metro System mod in the works, but I haven't put much effort towards it lately. My Starbound modding career is still completely dead in the water, but I'm thinking about porting all of my mods over to Nexus Mods.

Alright, time for the real talk section. My inactivity can be attributed to three things: a number of events that cropped up in my life which I'm still dealing with, a falter in my motivation to actually do a lot of things (which is sorta tied back to that first one), and the fact that nearly all of my ongoing fics are in the middle of being rewritten because my writing has drastically improved since I began all of them.

I've been reflecting a lot on my mental and physically health as of late. I do believe I have depression (hence my motivation issues, among many other problems), but I'm managing it well enough at the moment, and I believe it'll get easier to deal with once I start working. I've been going outside much more often, usually on hikes or walking through town every few days, which also contributes to my lack of actual progress on my art and writing.

I'm also fairly certain I'm on the autism spectrum, though I won't outright claim to be autistic here, as I don't have a diagnosis to back me up - a lot of the personal issues I've been dealing with just suddenly made more sense when I looked at it under this light. Especially one of my largest problems, which is my inability to work on my fanfics when I'm not actively hyper-fixated on the specific fandom they are a part of.

I apologize for pretty much falling off the face of the earth. I really need to start making these text posts, and using social medias in general, more often. I'm still kickin', and I'm still working on my projects.

[toasterdrake]

Thank you for decorating my Christmas Tree! :)

Here are 12 Christmas Questions for you! 

No pressure: feel free to answer some, all, or even none. :) 

Favorite Christmas season activity?

Favorite Traditional Christmas song?

Favorite Modern Christmas song?

Favorite Christmas movie(s)?

Favorite Christmas episode (any tv show)?

Favorite food to eat or serve for the Christmas meal?

Favorite Christmas beverage or dessert? 

Most memorable Christmas gift you received as a child?

Best Christmas gift you ever gave to anyone?

If you have a Christmas tree, what’s your tree topper?

What’s your favorite version of Santa in a movie?

Which fictional character would you like to be caught under the mistletoe with?

aw, thank you for this! holiday cheer is insurmountable when sotwk is on the scene! seriously, thank you for all you do to keep fandom active and kind. i meant every word of my decoration 😸☃️

it's half an hour to christmas day here. it's been... a lot better than i expected, so far. in no small part thanks to the good mood you put me in. now i'm in the mood for mince pies :)

i hope you enjoy this christmas to the fullest, and every one to come!!

1) Favorite Christmas season activity?

visiting christmas markets! there aren't many big ones around where i live, but they're beautiful, and i always come away with a trinket or two, for myself or as a gift. i love getting to wrap up warm, try new food, drink hot chocolate, and look at the amazing creations of the sellers!

2) Favorite Traditional Christmas song?

'Silent Night'. it feels like a lullaby

3) Favorite Modern Christmas song?

i actually don't know what it's called -- i hardly know any lyrics, only the melody, really -- but i thinnkk? at least have only started hearing it?? this season. it's a really upbeat, fun one, not too aggressively christmas and just... nice to the ears

4) Favorite Christmas movie(s)?

'That Christmas', an animated one which released very recently this year. i'm not big into typical christmas movies because all the sappy romance just isn't my thing, and i much prefer when a media creates another world to explore instead of people moving about this one

i particularly enjoyed it for 1) being a different medium, and 2) focusing on themes of family, community, and friendship with only a small romance subplot. technically, it's set as close to me as i've seen anything get, but being animation helps it feel very different from reality for me

5) Favorite Christmas episode (any tv show)?

thinking about it now, i can't actually recall any shows i'm particularly into having christmas episodes? the one thing that sticks out to me is a special short for a film trilogy instead: 'Gift of the Night Fury', for the HTTYD films. it's just a great vibe and a wholesome story for my favourite films of all time

as far as the HTTYD shows go, there was a midnight sun episode, but it wasn't very christmas themed lol

6) Favorite food to eat or serve for the Christmas meal?

tough choice, but i've loved pigs in blankets since i was little, and i don't think they're going to stop being a staple for me anytime soon. (i don't know how widespread they are, so for clarification: they're mini sausages wrapped in bacon)

7) Favorite Christmas beverage or dessert?

every christmas morning, we bake pastries to eat while opening presents. usually croissants, pain au chocolate, and maple pecan plaits, which are all my favourites. well, the past few months have brought on a new appreciation for pecan plaits, but they've never not been nice. i look forward to it each year

that counts as dessert, right?

8) Most memorable Christmas gift you received as a child?

2 years ago, when i was 16 (still a minor, eh?), was my first christmas without my sister, so i got extra... investment, shall we say? my mother got me an ipad pro, and i've been using it almost daily since. definitely worth it, and has changed my life dramatically;

it's led me to finding my stride as an artist, which has in turn brought me into wonderful communities, and has most recently enabled me to start creating short films, and finally bring the stories that have lived in me, waiting to burst since i was little, to life

so, yeah, a memorable christmas gift for sure

that and the electric quadbike i got when i was around 7 or 8 xD had so much fun with that thing

9) Best Christmas gift you ever gave to anyone?

i always try to give personal and thought-out gifts at every opportunity because my previous friends would just give me the same impersonal sweets each time. i always want others to feel that they're cared for and paid attention to. that makes it hard to pick something in particular, but i'm hoping one i'm giving my closest friend this year will be a good one

it's a glow-in-the-dark 3D-printed shark. my friend loves, among other things, sea life, particularly sharks, but also has a very intense fear of the dark. it breaks my heart to see how they suffer, and this year brought a particularly bad incident that freaked us both out. so, i'm hoping this little guy will be a comfort for them, because he'll be a light source even if the electricity gets knocked out, and a reminder that i'm with them even at the scariest times

10) If you have a Christmas tree, what's your tree topper?

a silver glittery star :) it's hollow, so we can fit a light in there and have it shine. i was very proud to upgrade from standing on a chair to put it on the tree to barely tip-toeing, lmao

11) What's your favorite version of Santa in a movie?

again, i don't really watch christmas movies, but i like a santa with some sass and dry humour. it makes his scenes more interesting, and can create interesting dynamics with other characters

if i had to pick one particular santa, i would say the Rise of the Guardians version. he's cool

12) Which fictional character would you like to be caught under the mistletoe with?

hm, where to start...

i jest. i know my one-and-only, my choice above any other, my steady rock through the ever-changing tempest of my interests:

Pyrrha Nikos. she's been the loml since i was nine years old

[alltheselights]

Do you mind sharing some of your theories? I'm interested, but that's fine if you want to keep them to yourself!

I hope you have a great day.

I got a few asks about this, but I’m going to respond to them all at once here instead of just repeating myself several times.

Let the record show that some of this lump of text is theories, most of which are not fully formed and none of which likely can fully explain all of what’s happening, and some of it is just me asking questions that I think show that Louis’ situation is still not normal in any capacity. There’s so much that we don’t know, so this is all I’ve got for you.

One possibility, which is what I leaned toward about a year ago when this “I’m totally a father who sees Freddie, see look, I went to LA and took a photo with him, see look, he came to Doncaster for Christmas” stuff began, is that he’s fully embracing babygate so he can establish himself within the fandom and to the general public as a good, active father because then people will be sympathetic when it ends and may lean more toward sympathy than toward laughing about how stupid he was to not get a paternity test. Now the problem with this theory is that the general public doesn’t really care that Louis is a father and I feel like in the fandom, among those who believe Louis is a father, they already think he’s a good one. You’ll find many solo Louies who think he’s a dad talking about what a good, cute dad he is - you even see it today in the replies to Simon Jones’ tweet, which features the clip of him mentioning Freddie in the LadBible video.

Though, to be fair, if there’s anything the last week has shown us, it’s that Louis and his team still don’t really understand the fandom, regardless of how strong our connection with him may be and how much he loves us. So does he know that many of his fans think he’s a good, present father and that they ignore much of what doesn’t add up and have convinced themselves he must have spent much more time in LA than we think over the past six years? Do they know that these fans don’t need to be convinced? They might not.

I also saw one person saying how they think the possibilities are either that 1) he’s decided to never end it, or 2) he’s decided that he can’t end it without coming out. So I tried to think about these theories as possibilities.

I still don’t really think number 1 is true. If Louis was fully committed to babygate, I think we’d see him in LA much more, I think we’d see him out and about with the kid much more, I think he’d publicly have a house in LA still (or again), I think he’d be writing songs about fatherhood, I think we’d see his family visiting Freddie (which they NEVER do), I think we’d see him in Docaster much more, and I think we’d see more way more photos of them on his sisters’ social media at the very least rather than the same few photos from 2016 or this past Christmas where Freddie looked incredibly uncomfortable.

Yes, Louis has brought up the kid unprompted to fans and interviewers alike. Yes, Louis now has “stories” (very vague, very generic stories - every kid likes mac & cheese and even I could tell you that Freddie enjoys surfing considering he goes with his family to Hawaii to surf multiple times per year - but they’re stories nevertheless). Yes, he’s been seen with the kid more. Yes, the kid came to Doncaster once (for only the second time in seven years).

But compared to a normal, active father? I mean....come on. Louis’ family posts publicly about all their vacations and yet nobody’s gone to LA to visit their only nephew (prior to Lottie giving birth) since 2016. Freddie visited the UK twice in six years despite having a wealthy father who could have him visit all the time - and who would easily be able to convince a judge to allow that, considering there is no reason to think his custody would be limited. Louis’ supposed long-term girlfriend has never once been pictured with the child and didn’t even sit near him at a concert that they both attended. Louis has never written him a song or taken a vacation with him. Louis talks about him frequently in interviews and allows his sisters to post him to social media about once a month and seems to have no issue with the Jungwirths posting him publicly and making his location clear despite saying publicly that he wanted privacy for the child. Louis has never once fought for a custody arrangement for the child.

If Louis was all in, I believe most of these things would not be the case.

So then there’s option number 2 that blogger speculated about - that Louis and his team might believe that they can’t end babygate without him coming out. I think this is an interesting theory and one that might be partially true, at the very least. Does Louis want to come out? I think that five years ago, he did. Do I think that now? I’m not sure. I don’t see many indications that he does and I actually think that Louis enjoys keeping his private life private. (Please note: I do not think Louis is ashamed or embarrassed by his sexuality and that is absolutely not why I think there’s a possibility - and again, this is just a possibility, not something I feel certain about - he doesn’t want to come out.) If he doesn’t want to come out, I do think he could still end it, but I think the speculation would be overwhelming - even if Louis is no Kardashian.

While it’s been a long time since babygate was a major news story, I think it reached enough ears and I think Larrie conspiracies are infamous enough throughout social media spaces (especially Twitter) that it would be a very big deal if babygate ended. I think even people who never cared would start caring because let’s be real - a celebrity finding out his kid isn’t his kid after seven years when a significant group of fans have theorized about you being gay, in a relationship with Harry Styles, and not actually a father - I think people would be talking about that. Not necessarily long-term, but I think it would make a rather large bang on the Internet these days, and even more so because I think it’s tied to Harry for a lot of people and he’s a very hot topic and very famous.

However, if Louis not wanting to come out and them fearing that babygate would inevitably lead to that, or at least to heavy sexuality speculation, is a concern, they could just maintain the status quo of before without actually ending it. I don’t see why they would have to fully lean into it like this.

Related to that theory, another thing I considered is that they could be concerned that ending it would cause the public and especially fans would direct their attention on Sony, who many fans feel is responsible for babygate and for the oppression of artists like Louis and even Harry (who I personally don’t believe is being oppressed by Sony currently). I don’t know much about contracts, but there’s always a possibility that Louis agreed to not speak negatively about his experiences with Sony for a period of time (I know he’s alluded to his label not doing shit, but he’s never been direct about it). There’s also the possibility that even if he didn’t, he and his team could wonder if ending babygate might motivate Sony to redirect their focus to blackballing Louis in the industry (because yes, I absolutely believe they did that and that Louis is still dealing with the consequences to this day). Perhaps they believed they needed to choose between Louis’ career and ending the stunt.

Still, even with this theory, it still begs the question of why Louis is now playing such an active role when the status quo was working. Is it some mix of these theories, where Louis is trying to establish himself as a good father because he feels like he needs to continue this long-term for the sake of his career, and maybe he thinks as Freddie gets older, the status quo was insufficient? Are they worried that if they ended it tomorrow, the Jungwirths could say something or do something to suggest that Louis has not been a present father, and so they are trying to counteract that in advance? Is it something else?

Another possibility that I’ve considered - it seems like Elounor might be over, or if it’s not fully over, it seems like Eleanor is no longer interested in playing along. I think that block was intentional and suggests some bad blood. If Louis doesn’t want to come out or feels that he can’t come out at the moment and they want to keep up the straight facade, but can’t use Eleanor to do it, perhaps that’s why he’s chosen to lean hard into playing the father role instead.

Also, let me add that I think that Simon Jones’ continued presence is very suspicious. Louis’ personal life is always the focus when he’s involved. Eleanor, his personal losses, and Freddie, Freddie, Freddie. Metro, Telegraph, The Sun, and others that he has connections to in the UK are always focused almost entirely on his personal life with little regard for his music. The LadBible video is also an example - Simon Jones even tweeted the clip of the Freddie part on Twitter even though it was a two second moment of the video and far from being the best or most interesting part. Simon Jones is objectively bad at his job and only works in the UK, which is almost useless for an artist like Louis, who has a massive fanbase around the world. So why is Louis still with him? Why is it that every time he’s involved, it becomes the personal life show, which is something that Louis doesn’t seem to enjoy? It makes you wonder why Louis talks repeatedly about how fans have been the only ones to support him over the years and bring him success and has slowly dropped everyone from the One Direction days and his early solo career - Modest, Syco, Epic, Sony, Russell, etc - yet Simon Jones, useless as ever, still lingers. 

So as you can see, this is a jumble of different theories and questions. I have no idea what the answer is - maybe one of my theories is partially accurate, maybe none of them are at all - but I’ll repeat something I said in an ask earlier.

Babygate and Elounor have never done a single thing for Louis. They haven’t made him more famous, they haven’t made him more successful, they haven’t made him more liked by his own fans, and if anything, they’ve actually hurt his career and turned fans against him over the course of years. I’ve even seen solo Louies who believe he’s a father show frustration today over the fact that they are once again focusing on using a child to promote his music instead of like, you know, actual performances and music-focused promo. There are ways to stay closeted without pissing off your fanbase. So if it doesn’t make any logical sense for him to continue pretending just because he wants to, you have to assume that there’s some other reason that we’re not aware of. All we can do is speculate, but you just can’t convince me that Louis woke up one day a year ago and decided he wants to pretend to be a dad now. There has to be something more at play here even if we don’t know what it is.

[mprosperossprite]

This post contains discussion of racism, misogyny, and intersection of these ideas in the TOG fandom.

Though the conversation around the racist tropes sometimes employed in depicting Joe is valuable and important, I do not have anything productive to add to that particular conversation. Instead, this post aims to examine the ways in which Nile has largely been overlooked by fan created content for The Old Guard and suggest ways in which each of us as individuals might make this fandom a more inclusive place.

One last preamble: I’m an white woman. I am speaking here from a place of ally-ship. And I am still learning how to best be an anti-racist ally in all elements of my life. This post is coming from the best of my knowledge at the moment, hoping that maybe it’ll make a difference to somebody.

Alright.

I want to begin with a story: a couple of weeks ago in the Book of Nile group chat one of our members noticed that the stories and AU’s and ideas we were constructing for each other the previous week had focused on Booker, had given Booker the extensive backstories, had articulated Booker’s complexity more thoroughly. She posted that she had noticed this along with a note along the lines of “we can’t do better if we don’t recognize the patterns.”

So here’s a pattern that I’ve noticed that is particularly disheartening to me: Nile Freeman, a black woman and the main character of The Old Guard, has the least amount of fanworks created about her.

On AO3 she has the fewest tagged fics. On tumblr, there is much less fan art created for her. In discord servers, Nile is rarely mentioned.

This fandom has become dominated by Joe and Nicky.

I do not mean to discount Joe and Nicky. Their depiction in an action movie is groundbreaking queer representation. They are fascinating individuals and fascinating in how they make their work partnership, romantic and sexual relationship flourish for an unimaginable length of time. Their story touches on themes that have long excited storytellers: the power of love above all, fate’s matches and soulmates.

Nevertheless, the way this fandom has diminished and ignored Nile Freeman is a collective act of misogynoir. All of us are complicit.

Racism is structural. Misogyny is structural. It is no one person’s fault. It is no individual’s moral failing. None of us can single-handedly fix it.

Nile’s erasure from the TOG fandom is nobody’s fault. As the opening anecdote illustrates, even those of us who actively seek out fan communities focused on her are guilty of backburnering Nile to a white man.

But, my experience working in one of the most racist systems in the US has helped me learn that though I can’t individually end racism and misogyny (and other structural inequalities), I can be aware of how my actions might reinforce these structures, and I can make deliberate choices to make my own actions as anti-racist and as feminist as possible.

So, TOG fans who are reading this, I ask you to pay attention to the content you’re creating and consuming in this fandom.

How many stories have you read or written recently that have included Nile as a full, complex character in her own right (and not a catalyst or ancillary support for Joe or Nicky or Booker)?

How much fan-art with Nile has crossed your dash recently? What percentage of it is just Nile reacting to Joe and Nicky?

How many conversations have you had in group chats and discord servers that examine Nile’s backstory, her journey in the film, her future with a fragmented and hurting Old Guard?

How many headcanons have you crafted about Nile’s role in the guard’s little family, about the way her principles and desires might reinforce the others’ views or change them?

Furthermore, I hope that as you do this, you’ll notice the reasons that you haven’t seen or engaged with content about the film’s main character. I urge you to push beyond superficial explanations.

I just like the romance aspect of Joe and Nicky. Okay, but who’s to say Nile can’t have romance too? Booker, Andy, Quynh, heck, even reincarnated Lykon or OC’s or characters from other franchises, are all available to appreciate and love on Nile Freeman.

I usually just have one ship in a fandom. Okay, but what about fic celebrating the joys of an intercultural found family or fic delving into Nile being a badass millennial warrior? Those and others are all stories that are interesting and exciting too!

I just love that Joe and Nicky are canonically queer. Absolutely! Me too! But this isn’t a reason to shun or ignore a character whose heart and intelligence and courage drives the plot of a movie we all claim to love.

And then, once you’ve paid attention, I urge you to make a change, to work against the misogynoir in our fandom. Even small things make a difference.

Reblog just one piece of content where Nile is the focus each time you log into tumblr

Read a fic once a week in which Joe and Nicky aren’t the primary characters

Write a subplot in your current fic which explores an element of Nile’s character

When I said we can all do better, I meant it. I’m not excluded from responsibility. In case you're curious how I’m taking my own advice, here’s my plan:

I’ve been bad about reblogging anything lately, considering reblogs are the lifeblood of tumblr. I’m going to seek out some of the Nile fanart I’ve skimmed over recently and queue it up. This blog is gonna have more Nile than it even did before.

I’m going to keep writing Book of Nile and Joe/Nicky, but I also want to consider Nile’s relationship with Andy and Quynh if it was sexual and romantic and fabulously queer and polyamorous. Gotta finish my current long-fic first, but then there are some fic ideas percolating I hope to get down on paper this summer.

I’m going to seek out Andy/Nile and Andy/Quynh fic on AO3. I haven’t read very much of either of these ships and I want to see more of what these authors have to offer. (If y’all have recs, hit me up!)

So to conclude, we can’t do better if we don’t recognize the patterns. I hope you’ll join me in consciously thinking about whose narratives with the TOG universe are being prioritized and whose narratives are being ignored. I hope you’ll join me in taking action, as small as they might be, to lift up those narratives that have been overlooked due to racism and misogyny that, again, is nobody’s fault but is everyone’s responsibility.

Finally, if you’ve made it to this point, thank you for your time and attention. What we pay attention to matters, and I’m grateful that you decided to pay attention to this.

[lostloves]

*pops out of nowhere* so... hi? it's kayle. i'm not sure if anyone here remembers me. i mean, it's been what? two years? that doesn't seem like much, but a lot's changed since then. two years ago, i was planning to study art and design, but like everyone else, i got stuck in a proverbial limbo of waiting. the pandemic essentially rendered everything on hold — my graduation, my post-grad trip with friends, and eventually my long-awaited plans to move to another country for uni. that period of waiting, i spent here in the company of lovely internet friends who were so kind to me. they made my day every time i logged in (hi ami @aimlocked, lett @sunmayshine [what a cute user btw], a bunch of other people who i can't seem to find the usernames of). i also had so much fun editing gifs and graphics, even doing a little bit of theme coding every now and then (do people still do that here? is that still a thing?)

anyway, when it was clear to me that i was waiting for nothing and that none of what i had planned for so long was going to work out the way i hoped they would, i just felt so defeated that i shut down. what i thought was a two week break from social media ended up being two years. i wasn't active in anything. a few months back, i revived my goodreads to track the books i'm reading but that's about it. i just wasn't in the best headspace. eventually, going online slipped my mind. i even forgot the password at some point.

so yeah, that was two years ago. now, i'm currently in my old uni studying language, almost always buried deep in paperwork. i never would've imagined this is where i'd be, but like i said, a lot's changed. and it looks like a lot's changed with tumblr too because wow i barely recognize all these new fancy features.

i don't know if i'll post here on a regular basis. i don't edit stuff anymore. although i can try? i kinda miss editing stuff for fandoms instead of research presentations 💀 though i'm not sure if i have the time to do graphics or gifs like i used to. if i'm not reading journal articles, i'm usually writing papers about them. finals is just two weeks away too, and i'm pretty sure that's going to take up my already close-to-nonexistent vacant time. but who knows? now that i finally figured out the password, i might as well just lurk here again hahaha.

this ended up being longer (and so much more sentimental?) than i thought it would lol sorry for that. it was supposed to be just a "hi hello i'm back! if you remember me, here's what i've been up to. and if you don't, pls keep scrolling and save me from embarrassment!" post. but if you've read this far, thanks for being a cool and lovely human on the internet.

[cuddlepilefics]

Hug me again, I don't feel good

Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie: Jeongin

Caregivers: Stray Kids

Prompt: Fever @sicktember

No one’s POV.:

Stray Kids members always tended to drown their maknae in affection and although he always pretended to hate it, Jeongin secretly liked it. As long as the didn’t undermine his independence that is. Him pretending to hate their hugs, led to the members toning it down a bit, only going full out when they were in a teasing mood and felt like going on their youngest’s nerves. Today they had had to get up early, having a packed schedule ahead of them and not having slept much, the mood ranged from sleepy to grumpy. Jeongin certainly fell into the latter category. He wasn’t usually moody when he was tired but when he was woken up this morning, he felt more exhausted than he had when going to bed the previous night. As soon as they were in the car, he leaned his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, dozing off again. Considering it was a rather long drive, most of them were trying to get a few more moments of shut eye. Their day would start with a photo shoot, followed by an interview and an afternoon of dance practice. To say Jeongin wasn’t looking forward to it would have been an understatement. He didn’t mind the photo shoot, which was comparably the least tiring activity of the day. The interview wasn’t too bad either but he really dreaded their dance practice, feeling too tired to move. Maybe he’d just need to wake up properly and he’d feel more energized over the course of the day.

While they took turns getting their make-up done, the group slowly started to come to life more. Chan had had his second coffee of the day, making the mistake of getting Felix one too, who was now going through a variety of fortnite dances and hyping Jisung up. The rapper didn’t even need coffee to go crazy, merely someone else he was sharing a braincell with. Together the two tried their hardest to get a reaction from Changbin by annoying him but the older kept a straight face, simply ignoring the pair. At some point, even Chan joined them. Minho and Hyunjin had originally started planning their dance practice but had soon gone over to teasing each other, which escalated to Minho threatening his dongsaeng. Seungmin and Jeongin really seemed like the most normal ones in the group. On other days, Jeongin might have joined his hyungs, having fun and fooling around but today he just couldn’t seem to shake his sleepy haze. Maybe he should get himself a coffee too, since it seemed to have worked wonders on Chan and Felix. Unfortunately, the photo shoot started before Jeongin had the chance to get coffee but the boy pushed the thought away. Busying himself would certainly do the trick too.

The photo shoot didn’t go as well as Jeongin would have liked. Usually, he had no issues with the bright lights surrounding him but they sure made the temperature on set toasty. The maknae was sweating much more than he was used to during photo shoots, even having to get his make-up retouched multiple times. This wasn’t like him and it was humiliating. The staff already clicking their tongues at the boy constantly needing his make-up fixed. Aside from the humiliation, Jeongin felt plainly disgusting with his clothes sticking to him. As his mood was dwindling, his discomfort became more apparent to himself and to the photographer, who kept reminding him to smile authentically. How could he smile authentically right now? He was sore from exercising the previous day, he was burning in his skin, his clothes stuck to him and pretty much everyone on set was annoyed with him. No, smiling seemed like the least thing he wanted to do right now, yet Jeongin always smiled. Maybe not as convincingly as usual but he smiled.

The more time passed, the more the hectic surroundings were getting to him. He was pretty much melting in the thick clothes and was slowly developing a headache, with how bright everything was. The flashing lights were worse though, leaving him feeling disoriented as he tried to follow the instructions given to him as fast as possible in hopes of getting things over with. Sweat was beading his forehead but instead of sending him to get his make up retouched once again, the photographer decided to take a few last pictures, which he’d edit later on, before releasing the boy back to the waiting area. A few of the members still needed to get their individual shots taken, so it was rather quiet back there. Jeongin debated removing his make-up completely but he didn’t want to bother anyone to put another full make-up on him for their interview later. This wasn’t his first photo shoot, so why had he been struggling so badly? In a matter of minutes, the smile he had plastered on, faltered and a single tear trailed down his cheek. Then another. Pursing his lips, Jeongin tried his hardest to calm down and hold the tears back. He didn’t want to mess up his make-up even more. The harder he tried though, the harder it got to keep it together. Yet he only allowed himself tiny, quiet sniffles after already being a burden to so many people so early in the day. He just wanted to be professional.

His efforts were in vain though, when Chan entered the waiting area after finishing his shots. He knew his dongsaeng well enough and calmly went over hugging the younger. “What’s up?”, the leader hummed, taking a step back when Jeongin tensed in his arms. The maknae was already sweating and he didn’t want to be touched, feeling as disgusting as he felt at the moment. “Frustrated”, Jeongin muttered, avoiding eye contact with his hyung, “was holding everyone back with how often I needed to get my make-up fixed.” – “It’s alright. Don’t worry, everyone who’s stood under those floodlights will understand. It does get toasty there sometimes”, Chan assured. He knew he’d probably feel the same if he was in Jeongin’s position, so he made a mental note to make sure the boy wouldn’t get teased for it. The maknae had already accepted that crying had ruined his make-up beyond what could be fixed and accepted the make-up wipe his hyung handed him. Still sniffling quietly, he scrubbed at his face to get it all off. He already contemplated what to tell the staff, who’d need to reapply everything for their interview earlier. At some point, he had managed to pull himself together but still looked a bit gloomy, besides, his face had taken a flushed pink shade, probably from how roughly he had rubbed it. Handing him a bottle of water, Chan sighed: “You feeling better now?” Jeongin shrugged. Did he? He was still just as hot as he had been previously and his head still hurt, through he wasn’t as disoriented. It was nice and quiet now, there were less people and it was less bright, so he had probably just gotten overwhelmed earlier. “I think today’s just not really my day”, he pouted, “I feel like I still haven’t managed to wake myself up and my head hurts from all the chaos.” – “Should we go and get you some coffee? Might at least help for the interview”, Chan offered, “Come on, let’s get out of here for a bit.”

Chan took his dongsaeng to a coffee shop nearby. They could have gotten coffee somewhere closer but he wanted to give the younger some space from their work environment. Jeongin however shuddered the moment he stepped foot outside the building. It wasn’t cold outside but the temperature change messed with his body. The maknae didn’t even notice how he started to walk progressively closer to Chan till the older wrapped an arm around his shoulders, asking: “Are you cold?” Jeongin shook his head but was betrayed by another shiver running down his spine. ‘That’s odd’, Chan noted but decided not to point it out. Instead, he just let the younger stay as close as he wanted. That proved to be of great help when Jeongin stumbled, tripping himself and only being saved the fall by the leader’s arms around his middle. “S-Sorry”, he laughed shakily, already tearing up again. “No, it’s okay”, Chan assured, moving away when the younger regained his balance. That resulted in a whine from Jeongin, who moved along, leaning against the Aussie. “Innie, what’s going on?”, the leader frowned worriedly, confused by the maknae’s behavior. Realizing his actions, Jeongin straightened up and mumbled: “Dizzy.” Why couldn’t the other hug him again? It was exactly what he needed right now, with how upset and cold he felt.

From that moment on, Chan kept a very close eye on Jeongin. He really didn’t seem to be himself today. After they had gotten coffee and returned to the venue, the youngest had gotten comfortable against Felix’ side, who absentmindedly ran a hand up and down the younger’s back. Felix noticed how damp and sticky Jeongin’s shirt still was and offered him to get changed into a fresh one. “No, don’t want to take it off. I’m cold”, the maknae protested, catching most of the members’ attention. Shaking his head, Felix sighed: “Yeah, no wonder you are cold. Your shirt is wet. You’ll feel warmer in a dry one.” – “Hyung, can I have your hoodie?”, Jeongin pouted, giving Hyunjin puppy eyes, who was quick to give it to him. By now, all of them had caught on to their youngest acting weird but could they blame him? They had slept so little, none of them could possibly be in their right mind. At least Jeongin seemed satisfied, pulling the long sleeves of the dancer’s hoodie over his palms. Knowing they’d have the interview next, they all filed into the van.

As soon as they were settled, Jeongin cuddled into Minho’s side, the dancer sitting next to him taken a back. It wasn’t usually Jeongin initiating the skinship but that didn’t mean he minded it. Smiling softly, Minho played with the maknae’s hair and studied the younger’s face. His closed eyes seemed a bit puffy, brows furrowed while sweat beaded his forehead and a small droplet dripped down his temple. Not knowing whether the boy was awake, Minho didn’t dare ask Chan if anything had happened while they were gone. Instead he just decided to let the boy rest on him. Looking up, he met eyes with Jisung, who seemed to think the same. Something wasn’t right. When they arrived, Minho went ahead to talk to Chan, leaving a sleepy Jeongin in his seat. Jisung had stayed behind to wait for the younger, linking their arms but still lagging behind. “Is everything okay, Innie? You seem off”, the rapper asked quietly. At this point, the maknae didn’t feel like keeping up appearances anymore and hesitantly admitted: “I kinda feel off.” – “Are you sick? You know we could let you sit out if you’re sick”, Jisung frowned but his dongsaeng was quick to shake his head, muttering: “I don’t think I am. Probably just slept too little and don’t feel like myself.” The older nodded thoughtfully as he guided Jeongin to get his make-up done again.

Jeongin was the only one needing his make-up done, which gave the rest of the group some time to talk. “He isn’t usually that clingy and he just admitted to feeling off”, Jisung informed and Chan nodded, sighing: “He was really emotional earlier and after almost falling over, he said he was dizzy.” – “Don’t you think he might just be tired? He does tend to get more affectionate when he’s tired”, Hyunjin mused looking at Jisung who had talked to their youngest mere minutes before. Nodding, Jisung pointed out: “He doesn’t think he’s sick and told me he slept to little but I need, who hasn’t? Yet he is the only one that out of it.” – “He seemed to be in pain when we drove here”, Minho disagreed, looking at Chan worriedly. The leader shook his head and sighed: “Let’s just wait, I’m sure Innie would talk to us if something was badly wrong.” Not feeling satisfied with that, Seungmin slipped out of the room, to check on his only dongsaeng privately. He quietly stood in the doorway, watching the younger doze off in the chair. “Do you feel alright, Jeongin-ah? Your face feels really warm”, their make-up noona asked, carefully applying a thick layer of concealer under his eyes to cover the lack of sleep. Jeongin smiled a bit and hummed: “I think the bright lights at the photo shoot heated my skin up a bit. I’m okay.” Seungmin however was only more convinced that the younger was not. Especially now that somebody else was sensing something off as well.

When his make-up was done, the make-up noona glanced at Seungmin and smiled before leaving the two boys alone to talk. “Hey”, Seungmin hummed, sitting down next to Jeongin, “How do you really feel? Something’s not right.” That was enough to bring the younger to tears again and he chewed on his lip, desperately trying to not ruin his make-up again. “H-hyung, I -I don’t know”, he breathed. He cursed himself, why did he have to be so emotional today? When he didn’t elaborate further, Seungmin got up and pulled Jeongin into a hug. He too noticed the heat radiating off the maknae and gently brushed his hand against the boy’s forehead, calmly asking: “Can you describe what you feel? Maybe we can make sense of it.” Jeongin nodded and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. “I-I just feel really out of it, like I still haven’t woken up since this morning although I’ve been up for hours and even had coffee with Channie-hyung. My head hurts since the photo shoot and I keep sweating although I’m not hot at all anymore. I’m pretty cold actually”, he admitted with shaky hands, “For some reason I don’t feel really steady on my feet and kinda dizzy and I’m really sore from exercising yesterday. Could – could you hug me again? I don’t feel good.” Seungmin complied instantly, hugging the younger tightly and whispering: “I think you’re sick, Innie. To me it feels like you’re sporting quite a fever, which would explain why you feel the way you feel.” – “I can’t – I can’t be sick. My stomach feels perfectly fine, so it couldn’t be a stomach bug but my nose and throat are perfectly fine too, so it couldn’t be a cold either. None of this makes sense, why does nothing make sense?”, Jeongin whimpered, getting worked up again. “Shh, some bugs come only with a fever but that doesn’t make you any less sick. Does that make sense?”, Seungmin soothed, running his hand up and down the younger’s back. Sniffling quietly, the maknae nodded. Unwrapping himself from his dongsaeng, Seungmin smiled: “Alright, let’s go to the others and see what we’ll do about it, yeah?”

He pulled Jeongin to his feet too but the boy stumbled as soon as he was upright, crashing into Seungmin’s chest. Luckily, the older was quick to react and tightened his arms around the maknae, holding him steady while they waited for the dizzy spell to pass. Then they walked back to the room where the rest of the group was waiting. “Hyung, Innie’s sick and running a fever”, Seungmin announced as they walked up to Chan. Pressing the backs of his fingers against Jeongin’s forehead, the leader frowned: “You’re burning. Why didn’t you say anything?” – “I-I …” – “Hyung, we pieced it all together just now. He wasn’t aware”, Seungmin explained, reassuringly holding the younger’s hand. Jeongin nodded, face crumpling as Chan pulled him into a hug. ��Do you want to wait here for us to finish the interview?” – “N-no, I can do it. They don’t have many questions for me anyway”, the youngest insisted. Minho joined them, agreeing: “We can cover for him, he just has to sit and look pretty. It’d be more frustrating to be dragged here for nothing. Afterwards we’ll take you home, yeah Innie?” – “No, I want to go with you”, Jeongin whined, always hating to be alone when he was feeling poorly. “We’ll see about that, let’s just get this interview over with”, Chan settled, seeing that it was their time to go on stage.

It went quite well with Jeongin just sitting there in silence. When they walked off the stage though, the maknae broke down, the tears he had held back, now spilling over. Felix was quick to pull him to a quiet corner of the room, cooing: “What’s wrong?” – “Do-Don’t know”, the younger choked out, his voice cracking pitifully. “Just really emotional, huh?”, Jisung hummed, running his hand through Jeongin’s hair. He had followed them worriedly, only getting more worried when the maknae desperately tried to pull himself together but failed. Watching him struggle like this really broke their hearts. Holding his dongsaeng tight, Felix whispered lowly: “You can cry, Innie. Don’t suppress and bottle it up. If you feel like crying, that’s alright, we don’t judge.” The younger nodded, hiding his face against the dancer’s shoulder. Giving them some privacy, Jisung went to get changed. When he was done, Hyunjin had already taken a bunch of make-up wipes and traded places with Felix, so the Aussie could get changed too. “Come on, let’s get your make-up off, so you can sleep. I bet you’re tired”, Hyunjin hummed, gently removing his dongsaeng’s make-up. He did his best to make the younger boy comfortable and couldn’t help but coo at how adorable Jeongin looked in his hoodie.

They got back into the car, where Jeongin settled against Seungmin, shivering slightly. Chan carefully hung his jacket around his youngest dongsaeng’s shoulders and smiled when the boy’s eyes closed. With how exhausted Jeongin was, it came as a surprise to none when the calm movement of the car lulled him to sleep. Not having the heart to wake him, Chan ended up carrying the maknae up to their dorm and to his bed. Minho soon followed them with a bottle of water and fever-reducers, which he placed on Jeongin’s nightstand, along with a note to take them later, when he woke up. When the two oldest members were satisfied their dongaseng was settled, they left the room and got ready for dance practice. Jisung plugged the maknae’s phone in to charge before leaving his roommate to get some rest. While Minho and Hyunjin discussed their dance practice, Felix grabbed a few plushies and took them to Jeongin’s room, so he wouldn’t feel too lonely while they were gone. They were almost ready to leave, originally scheduled to head straight to the company building from the venue of their interview, so they were running a little late. Changbin decided to make one last trip to the bathroom, running a washcloth under cold water and taking it to the maknae’s room. When he gently brushed Jeongin’s hair out of his face, the boy’s eyes fluttered open, disorientedly blinking up at the rapper. “Shh, go back to sleep”, he shushed, carefully spreading the cold compress on his dongsaeng’s burning forehead. He didn’t want to mention the medicine because that would’ve probably woken the younger up completely and they had agreed to let him sleep at all costs. Jeongin would find the medicine when he woke up. Hoping he’d sleep through most of their dance practice, so he wouldn’t feel lonely, Changbin promised: “We’ll be back before you know it.” Then he snuck out of the room and joined the others, eager to get their practice over with and back to the dorm as soon as possible.

[tuiyla]

I often come to this glee blog to vent, and this time is no different.

I was scrolling down a glee confessions blog from the fandom's hayday, and holy fucking shit what a mistake that was. Glee was the most terrible fandom in this planet. Never have I seen a fandom insult and bully each and every cast member to such a capacity. The racism, the misogyny, the hate, the bullying. My god, never I have seen so many people insult and spread lies about Cory Monteith and his passing. I am disgusted and I am angry, so very angry that one of the pillers of the glee tumblr fandom had allowed and encourged slutshaming, fatshaming, bullying, and homophobia on their page just in the name of free speech. The amount of times Naya and lea had been called sluts, whores, and other degrading nicknames in regards to their bodys and careers. No wonders so many of the actors distanced themselves from the show, the fanbase was insane.

At least I can rest knowing the glee fandom could never be the same as it was and be somewhat hopeful of the progress it achived.

I wasn't in the Glee fandom in its heyday and there's maybe a teeny tiny part of me that regrets that, if only because there's always something special about a live fandom where episodes are still coming out. That said, most of the time I thank the lord I was never tempted into keeping up with Glee as it was airing and that's because the Glee fandom was always notorious for its intensity. You couldn't have paid me enough to touch it with a 10 foot-pole in 2012. So all in all, none of this surprises me.

I tend to stay away from confessions blogs as they're often an excuse for people to spread their horrible opinions - not horrible in that I merely disagree but in that they're actively hateful and often towards the actors, not even the characters, just as you described. Don't get me wrong other fandoms could be wild too and active fandoms nowadays are still yikes sometimes but Glee... Glee was a beast of its own, I think.

It's disgusting. No other word for it. I can only hope those who disrespected Cory and called the cast horrible, horrible names were too young and immature to realize how fucked up all that was. I hope they're grown now, looking back in regret. That's the most I can hope for, really. But you know, I also watched from the sidelines two years ago when people said absolutely appalling things about Naya - as she was still missing, her loved ones dreading the worst. As she was found, not even buried yet but pathetic terminally online trolls already spewing their hate, their ignorant takes on a human being who just lost her life. The mother of a then 4-year-old boy. I have to believe they were too damn young to realize how utterly despicable that was. I have to, because the alternative is, what? That someone could be so willfully rotten? Heck, I saw horrible horrible takes on the cast on reddit about a year ago, too. People up on their high horses, speaking about ~problematic~ things the cast have done, judging them like they were just people on our TVs created for our consumption. They aren't.

But yeah. My own mini venting aside, there's a reason I stay away from reddit now and why I curate my fandom space, not just in terms of Glee as much as possible now. I don't have the patience for this bullshit. I barely have the strength to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope they have, or will eventually change. I don't like focusing on the actors instead of the characters in general; sometimes appreciating them, sure, and in times like these with Cory and Naya's anniversaries it's nice to keep them in our thoughts. But in my experience, things tend to get out of hand once fans allow themselves to look at the actors as anything but human beings whose private lives we do not have any kind of entitlement to. Real-life shipping is a good example. Getting mixed up in made-up dramas and having the audacity to assume we could ever possibly know the life Cory had, the life Naya had, being another one.

Here's the thing about free speech, since you brought it up: just because you can say stuff doesn't mean you should, and certainly doesn't mean anyone's obligated to provide you with a platform. I've never run a confession-type blog myself and I doubt I ever will, but I have run fan sites and just for me personally there would have been rules against confessions about the cast and hateful rhetoric. This sense of... entitlement that people feel towards actors and celebrities. It's disturbing. It's an ugly, ugly side of fandom.

I'm glad you feel safe and comfortable enough to vent. I hope it's okay I vented in return. I suppose, times like these, it's the "basic human decency" and "media studies" parts of my brain automatically starting a conversation. I'd like to think people, in general, are more respectful towards Cory now. Naya, too, of course, but I feel like Cory had even more lies and hate spread about him due to the circumstances of his death. With the 9th anniversary of his passing coming up, I can only hope his loved ones feel more at peace now. Not that nine years matter all that much when you lose someone - I recently had a 9th anniversary of my own grief. But hey, this is still about Glee! So, yeah. Let's be grateful for the progress. I'm grateful for the people I surround myself with in this fandom and I don't need more. And reading this I once again thanked the heavens I was never even tempted to join the Glee fandom at its peak.

[cafeinthemoon]

Founders with s/o traumatized from a mission 💔

So this request is both interesting and challenging and I want to thank the anon who made it! Let me tell you that I have a thing for dark/unsettling content though I don’t write anything explicit. I like to explore the psychological aspects of these type of experiences through my writing, using them to create a bridge between the characters and the readers. I think this is my job as a writer.

For this request we have the Grandpas with a s/o who’s a shinobi and just came back from a mission, but something happened during it that left her traumatized and refusing to talk, and they have to deal with it until s/o is recovered. I didn’t tell what exactly happened in the mission: instead I focused on what each of them would do in that situation. Hope you don’t mind XD

I hope you enjoy it!

Fandom: Naruto | Founders

Symbols: ◻ | 💜 | 💛

Warnings: traumatic experiences, nightmares, psychological suffering, painful memories

Hashirama

He didn’t need to look twice to understand that something was wrong with you

It was beyond physical tiredness

That hesitation in your steps, that way your eyes widened while looking around as if you were expecting something terrible to appear at any moment, that abnormal trembling on your hands

All of this made Hashirama start to question his own decision of sending you to that mission

That was how he found you: surrounded by your team mates, needing their help to keep walking. When he asked what was going on, they didn’t respond

He then looked directly at you and repeated the question, but you just fell in his arms and burst in tears

His first measure was to take you home and check if you had physical injuries. Fortunately, they were few, and superficial

After treating them, he helped you to take care of yourself and took you to your room

After some time with only him by your side and in a place where you felt safe, he thought you’d finally feel comfortable to talk

But your silence persisted

He was running out of ideas, so his last resort was to prepare you some food

He helped you to sit on your bed and explained that he would be at the kitchen making something for you

Once you heard that he would leave you alone for a second, your hands pinched his arms and you desperately shook your head, begging him to not leave

Hashirama tried to reasonate with you

“But you need to eat”, “I will be right back, I promise”

All in vain: you held him tight and started to cry again

Now there were no doubts about the gravity of your situation

He sat by your side and surrounded you with his arms, caressing your hair and whispering comfort words until you fell asleep

He took the chance to cook something for you (he could have sent a wood clone to the kitchen in his place, but he was too worried about you to think of it)

When you woke up, you were still not talking, but you were no longer physically tired

You were able to eat, not without a little help

Later, you wanted him to stay with you again, which he did since you were still not in conditions to be all alone

Hashirama covered you with a blanket, but you only stopped trembling when he came to your side

“Listen to me. I’m sorry for sending to this mission. I would never do it if I knew this was going to happen, okay?”

He tightened his embrace around you, kissing your hair

“I know you can’t talk right now, and you don’t need to. It must have been… complicated to you. But now you are safe. I’m right here. No one will hurt you. And whenever you feel prepared to talk, I will be here to listen”

The vision of his assuring smile was the last thing you saw before you close your eyes to sleep in his arms for the second time

Tobirama

You could only feel at ease – or the closest from this that was possible for you in your conditions – when you saw Tobirama coming to you at the village’s gates

Carried by your team mates, too desperate even to speak, you needed to walk out of there, to go with him to your home and forget about that cursed mission

Once he laid his eyes on you, he knew something was not right

He has been with you long enough to read the signs: the way you were staring at him, calling for help without a single word, those trembles on your hands, usually so firm and controlled, none of this was normal

Whatever the reason for that, it didn’t matter: first he needed to take the necessary measures

Tobirama told your team mates to take care of everything and report the mission at the end of the day while he was going to watch over you, then used his Hiraishin to take you home

You were tired, scared, not seeing anything in your way; you’ve been like this since that moment during your mission

You were trying to convince yourself that it wasn’t but a bad dream, but deep inside you knew it was real, you knew that something like that could exist in this world

And that was a burden you weren’t managing to carry

Now seeking for Tobirama’s protection was all you wanted

He was never the most gentle person around, whether in words or actions

Even the way he used to express affection was not entirely free from some roughness: his embrace was a little too tight; the way he would press his forehead against yours would force you hold yourself in place, otherwise he would push you back; the strength with which he’d hold your hands sometimes was too much, and he would end up squeezing them

However, it was his gentleness you were used to, and watching his practical, composed way to deal with the problems while you couldn’t was the only thing capable of calming you down

And Tobirama knew it too well

At home, he sent his Shadow Clones to take care of the tasks that otherwise would have to be performed one by one

One would prepare you a bath; the other would cook some healthy food; the third would see your team mates and talk to them about the mission to find out what could have possibly happened that left you in such state

Yes, he would listen when you’d decide to talk, but he wouldn’t wait for you to do it to find out the truth. And once he heard the other ninjas’ report, he saw it wasn’t for nothing that you came back like that

Later that day, he came to your room and noticed you were more calm, but still not talking

He took the place by your side and explained that you were going to stay out of missions for a while until your body – and primarily your mind – were back to their healthy state

You nodded in response

The hardest part were your nightmares in the nights after you came back

You would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and screaming, and when Tobirama asked you what was wrong, you just could scream

Many times you fell asleep in his arms after crying for an hour or two

(You secretly blamed yourself for not letting him take some appropriate rest)

You forced yourself to eat despite the lack of appetite, and went outside to take some minutes of sunlight though you wanted to stay indoors all the day

Months after that period, when you were recovered and participating of missions again, you finally talked to Tobirama about what happened

You were afraid that remembering those moments would throw you back to your previous state, but it didn’t happened

To be honest, you felt like a weight was taken off your back, and now you could finally move on

You couldn’t thank him enough for being by your side while you got through your darkest experience

Madara 

Madara didn’t wait for an explanation once he found you in those conditions at the village’s gates

He came took you off your team mates’ side, hiding you in his arms

You didn’t protest: first, because you couldn’t make a sound since that terrible episode; second, because that was everything you thought about on your way home

And now you could finally breathe in relief: you were with him, you were home, you were safe

However, those scenes would not disappear from your memory so soon

Your body would sense their effects for a long time: you couldn’t stand on your feet without help, you couldn’t speak, just cry and moan

But how you were going to explain this to Madara before he could take any measure? Because you knew he would

And things not always ended up well when he entered that state of mind

(It was something one would learn living with an Uchiha)

Once you were home, he left you on your bed and tried to find out what happened

“Tell me, y/n. What happened during this mission that left you like this? Who did this to you?”

Who. That was the question you were afraid of hear him making

But now it was too late: since you didn’t say anything in response, Madara was immediately convinced that the responsible was a person

You held him tight, you cried, you tried all you could to make him stay with you, to not try anything, not yet, but your pleading had no effect over him

He came closer and made you look in his eyes

“Listen to me. I’m going to take care of you now. I’m going to be with you as long as you need. But I will fix this, and the sooner I do it, the better. Now come here”

You were exhausted, but you obeyed, and he took you on his lap. You laid your head on his shoulder while he whispered assuring, sweet words to calm you down

After some time you stopped crying and were no longer trembling, and Madara decided that it was the time to act and make you look into his eyes again

He activated his dojutsu and started to search through your memories

He wanted to see exactly what you saw, to feel everything you felt in order to see the face of the aggressor and never forget it until he finally met them

Other people could consider this method invasive, specially when used in someone in your circumstances, but you were used to it and gave him permission when you didn’t want or didn’t know how to explain something

That time, however, things were different

Once he saw those scenes, heard those sounds, felt that pain and fear, his attitude changed

He didn’t speak about what he saw, but you sensed it: no matter what he was planning to do, you wouldn’t want to know about

Madara stood with you for the rest of that day and that entire night. But when you woke up the next morning, you found a clone in his place

He took care of you as good as the original would do, but his constant company and attention couldn’t erase the anxiety for what was going to happen

When Madara came back at the afternoon, he didn’t let you see the remaining rage in his eyes, nor the blood in his clothing

He didn’t say a word about what he did, and you were grateful for that

He took you in his arms and kissed your forehead, a sign that everything was over

From that moment, the only thing you’d have to focus on was your recovery