#so immersing myself in stuff like this is really healing

[lunarmochi]

what i've been up to lately

i finished the interior of my base!

i have a very specific way i like to organize chests, so it was hell getting this storage system finished. i had to split up my system so i utilized as many chests as possible, but even then, i still have some left LMAO

also grinding for all that glow ink. genuinely such an annoying thing to grind for. you have to find a big cave, then search for large bodies of water, and sometimes there aren't even any glow squids... it's a whole thing

i made a little lava farm under the stairs, too. i think it's pretty cute! c: i like how compact it is

i've also been exploring a lot. i feel like 70% of my time on minecraft is spent down in caves LMAO

also found a weird water glitch recently, while searching for stuff.

[spadillelicious]

Spadille!! 💭 what inspired you to create LDR?

(Hey Spike!! :D So sorry for taking forever to answer this...!!) To be honest, there are a bunch of different things that inspired me to make LDR!! Firstly, all the amazing creativity of the dca fandom inspired me to make my own AU. It just blows my mind to see all the wonderful art and writing created for our favourite celestial jesters every day! <3 Some AU:s that were especially influential to me that I would like to mention is @/venomous-qwille :s Ghost In the Machine AU and @/certified-handler :s Dealer's Choice AU.

I find Qwille's writing style incredibly painting and immersive, and it inspired me to get better at writing myself. I also really like the way they use music for some of their scenes! (that one scene where Misuta sings a line of Eurythmics' 'Sweet Dreams' hit especially different, and sent me down a rabbit hole of reconnecting with 80s synth music. I still haven't recovered over a year later haha <3 /lh )

And for Certi's writing, I cannot get over how good they are at writing scenes that just fill your heart with butterflies with how suave the dca are in their AU!! They're also really good at writing very tense, high-stakes scenes, and their AU has so many twists and turns that I always struggle to put the fic down <3 I really enjoy how the reader isn't sure who to trust out of Sun and Moon in their fic, which is something I wanted for LDR too :)

Besides the incredible works of the dca fandom, I also really like the aesthetics and nostalgia of the 80s and retro tech, which was something I wanted to include in my AU as well! I grew up with stuff like cassettes and VHS tapes (though not in the 80s), and reconnecting with that stuff felt... healing in a way I guess?

Speaking of 80s stuff, rollerskates have a special meaning to me as well. 

I grew up in a place where there are barely any places to rollerskate, but instead plenty of places to ice skate. It's cheap, and everyone knows how to. But I just suck at ice skating. I've tried to learn my entire life, and I still can barely stand on them.

When I was 15 though, I got to try rollerskating for the first time. There aren't any roller rinks where I grew up, but for PE class in high school, we could choose to rollerskate or play soccer. So I chose rollerskating, borrowed some knee pads and outdoor skates from a nearby YMCA, and for the first time I actually enjoyed skating. 

I still wasn't any good at it, but it was so much more fun than ice skating, and it felt like it was something that was much more... me than ice skating. I will always hold the memories of rollerskating around the lake, under the summer sun with my friends, close to my heart <3

And regarding what inspired the other, less sunny side of LDR... Maybe I'll talk about that some other time.

[historicalvandal]

That was so perfect???? Love love love it! Your writing is so immersing, and the way you write kobas personality is nearly identical to the movies. You got me bitting at the bars of my sanity, lol.

But could you imagine if the human accidentally starts courting koba first without realizing it. Bringing him pelts they hunted for him because he doesn't socialize or sleep with the other apes and the human is worried he'd get cold, or they willingly leave the others during communal eating and bringing more food because koba isn't there and the human wanted to eat with him/ don't want him to be alone.

Ceaser stops the human to ask what they are doing and they go , "oh its for koba 🤗" and he dies & laugh inside knowing what it looks like to an ape what the human is doing, but gives the ape version of a blessing anyways. Because dammit it if this is what it takes to get koba to chill tf out against humanity then fine... the human thinks Ceaser is just wishing them luck because its koba lol

Like you said, he gets injured or gets so sick that the human abandons their own nest to sleep on the ground beside his to make sure hes ok and breathing. I got so much koba brainrot. Please forgive my word splurge. you're the first person to just understand, lol. And please dont burn yourself out and remember to take care of yourself first, im just rambling from excitement.

-💚 anon

AHHH anon you are actually so very sweet! i was hoping you'd enjoy my writing, always wanted to start writing stuff on Tumblr haha- I actually love the idea presented that Reader just doesn't know their courting Koba, and he won't say anything lmaooo- Caesar would totally notice and would give bombastic side eye but he'd actually be fine with it, banking on the fact this could help Koba slowly heal from his mental wounds and physical wounds he has from humanity! Reader brings him pelts from hunting trips, when he doesn't eat with the community and after asking Caesar all about it he tells them that Koba has just never really sat with the other apes to eat, so Reader just starts bringing food to Koba, I feel like the first time they do that Koba throws the food at them to get them to go away, to leave him alone, but they just keep coming back to give him food and he just gets used to it over time, when it comes out between them, when Koba actually finally asks why Reader sits with him to eat all the time instead of with Caesar and the rest of the community, Reader just tells him "I don't like that you are alone all the time...I think you just need a friend" and Koba is like taken aback by that revelation, that Reader wants to be his friend, how upset they may have been in the moment as well would change something ever so slightly between them, and he allows them to take their meals with him all the time and perhaps one time they sit with the community to eat, but they're still next to each other, still chatting between themselves, even sharing a joke or two, much to the shock of the other apes lmaooo- And reader just starts to stay more and more with Koba each night, the first time they stayed in Koba's nest with him is because he's always seen them staying on the ground and maybe it's a cold night, and he just wraps his arms around Reader, easily picking them up and letting them sleep in his nest with him, like Reader wakes up in the morning to Koba slowly playing with their hair, MY HEARTTTTT- I just love the idea of Koba playing with Readers hair omlllll And thank you sm, I promise I won't burn myself out, I'm just having so much fun with this rn! <333

[tirfpikachu]

Fictionkin really did contribute to the trans boom more than people usually give it credit

hahahhhaa yeah man i vaguely heard about.... that stuff..... so dumb....... dumbass kids being trans for tunglr blorbos............

[dabs in detrans kinnie]

no but forreal... kinnie stuff was a HUGE part of me getting attached to the idea of me living as male. it was maladaptive daydreaming taken to the EXTREME and i was allowed to roleplay it online, which eventually became roleplaying irl, and then whenever i felt scared i wasn't trans i'd get reaffirmed right away that there's no way a cis woman would feel this way, and so i'd stick with it. i wanted to look like so many male blorbos in big part bc NO BLORBINAS LOOKED MASC ENOUGH!!! the masc blorbina count was unbearably low, i didn't see girls like myself anywhere. i didn't see myself be celebrated. not all trans-identified people are trans for those wrong reasons, but talking with other detrans folks... yeah, there's a huge link between fiction escapism and being detrans/post-trans. especially if you're already prone to dissociation and psychosis like i was hahahh... what d'you mean, i can reinvent myself?! what do you mean i can be those tumblr sexymen i see women fawn over?? i can be BETTER than what i am? i don't have to be a boring ass hairy ugly dyke? turns out though... hehe... sapphics fucking love boring ass hairy dykes. this is why homosexual culture & non-trans gnc culture needs to be more available to folks. we need a stronger sense of community and reconnect with our history. we also need to be wary of attaching ourselves too tightly to labels too quickly. it's 1000% okay to experiment, and fiction can be a way to explore yourself and all that. but be aware that suddenly calling yourself a different name, using different pronouns, making appearance changes with binding etc actually can induce dysphoria in yourself. it did with me!

get treatment for your non-trans symptoms first. go thru it like a checklist. go slow. have an actual questioning phase not just OMG I CAN BE A SUPER SWAG TRANS GUY/GIRL AND BE SO MUCH BETTER AND CUTER AND MORE RADICAL!!! and don't only talk to people who are visibly excited abt the prospect of you being trans. talk to level-headed folks who are trans-friendly but also nuanced, and will reaffirm that being gnc is okay too & that sometimes dysphoria really can be a temporary episode. it really can be healed in some cases, it was for me. it's good to go through options first, it doesn't mean you can't be trans in the end! if anything it'll just give you more resolve if you know you did your proper research. people rush so fucking much, man. it's not good for us. and kinnie shit can literally drive you insane. especially if you're prone to craziness like i am. be careful with that stuff... it can get into maladaptive daydreaming territory, and that's not actually all funsies. it can genuinely become debilitating and all-consuming. be safe kids 👍

oh, also, vaguely related but... hetero people can have funky experiences with gender nonconformity too! y'all can form really cool communities; the punk scene and hippie scene was always full of you guys and you proved that being gnc doesn't make you gay, which greatly benefits gay rights too. you don't need to be a normie cishet OR a trans/nonbinary person. there are in-betweens. ily gnc people! tomboys, femboys, metrosexuals, handsome girls, pretty boys, i love us so much and i WANT more gnc ppl in the world, het included. you can still have radical anti-patriarchal subcultures. ofc it's okay if you end up being trans, but don't just immerse yourself in it right away. you always have options as a gnc person and they're ALL awesome.

gnc people YOU ARE MY WHOLE ASS WORLD!!! 🧡🧡🧡

[gamesception]

I did it.

I did it! I beat this crazy boss! Carian Knight build just keeps winning.

Holy cow those guys were tough, though. I tried a bunch with Ansbach and Thiollier, because in general I prefer to summon npcs whenever possible in my first time run through souls stuff, for the sake of narrative immersion & investment in the characters, but I was getting nowhere with them. So I channeled my inner Moongrum and strapped in for the long and painful process of burning Radahn II's parry timings into muscle memory.

Yes, it takes three parries to get the stagger, but it's still worth it. Not only is the stagger a safe opening for solid damage with my magic misericorde, the parries themselves stop not just the incoming attacks but the entire combo that would have followed them, AND they stop the extra holy splash damage attached to his sword swings in phase 2, AND when he gets parried but isn't staggered yet he's much more likely to follow up with either another parry-able sword swing or an easily jumpable stomp attack /and then/ another parry-able sword swing, so once you catch him with one parry you can often chain him into a bunch of much more manageable attacks in a row. Even if you accidentally try to parry the stomp, it's not that punishing.

In phase 2 I chugged my physick (+magic damage, +summon damage), then ran out of the giant holy aoe he almost always summons right away, and once safe I summoned best girl Tiche while the boss is still recovering. Then just try to maintain aggro with the occasional slicer (or a ranged spell if he gets away from me, but on the winning run he didn't) & keep on parrying while hoping Tiche gets in some black knife damage before inevitably falling to stray aoes.

It took two days of learning the fight before I hit a solid run with good rng in terms of keeping aggro on myself in phase 2 and the boss favoring his parry-able attacks. He also went for the grab several times, which, once you get the dodge timing, is very easy to avoid and leaves him wide open for both my slicer and Tiche's black knife.

I was using dagger talisman for the big boost to damage & Radagon's for extra casting speed as offensive talismans alongside +3 physical and holy resist for most of the runs. But half way through I traded dagger & radagon for assassin's crimson and cerulean daggers to regen health and mp with each riposte. No dagger talisman would mean an extra crit to get to phase 2, and another couple extra to win, and no radagon meant a few openings that had been safe for 2 slicers were now only good for one. However, the extra healing on crits saved not only flasks but also the need to burn openings on flasks. The cerulean dagger in particular saved me the need to top off with a blue flask before summoning tiche in phase 2, which I just didn't have the time for.

In making the swap I stumbled into a exploit in my favor- For some combination of weapon types and enemies the critical hit animation will trigger the effect of the assassin's dagger talismans twice, and dagger crits against Radahn are one of those cases - at least in current patch - so I was getting double heals to health and mana with every third parry. Honestly a life saver that really put me over the top here.

The best part of parry strats was finishing the boss off with a crit. SUPER satisfying.

All in all this Radahn & Miquela were hard as hell, the only fight in the DLC that really felt that way, but remember that I was summoning both npcs and spirit ashes for most fights, so not exactly the pure 'get good' experience.

I didn't end up using much dlc stuff in the last fight, but for all the complaints about int builds not getting much in the dlc I got a bunch of use out of glintblade trio, twin moons, a magic infused milady, wing stance & carian sovereignty ashes of war, rellana's twin blades, the wolf shield, and I even got some use out of the carian sorcery sword after they buffed it. Haven't used Carian Thrusting Shield or Moonrithyll's Knight Sword very much yet, but I'm looking forward to toying around with them.

I beat lion dancers & radahn - the first and last bosses I fought in the DLC - with base game weapons and spells, but for most SotE bosses I used new stuff. magic-infused wing stance milady for Rellana. magic-infused carian sovereignty milady for Messmer and Bayle. Rellana's twin blades for the Sunflower. Rellana's twin blades plus glintblade trio & twin moons for Romina & Lion Dancers 2. No skill wolf shield & carian soverignty on a base game magic infused knight's greatsword for Gaius & Metyr.

Again using npc summons where available, plus a variety of spirit ashes. I did mostly stuck to my preferred base game options there - greatshield soldiers, latenna, and of course tiche - but that was mostly out of being too lazy to upgrade the new ones, not because they didn't look good.

I wouldn't necessarily call any of that "optimal" as far as gear/strategies go (apart from maybe Milady with wing stance), but certainly playable enough to have fun with in pve. And that's while sticking to a relatively strict carian knight theme, so I didn't even get into the finger sorceries, microcosm, gravity stuff, star lined sword, etc. Int builds might not have gotten the most out of the dlc, and a lot of what we did get could certainly have stood to be better, but there's still plenty there to play around with.

...

Anyway, overall I liked Shadow of the Erdtree a lot. It's not perfect, definitely 'More Elden Ring', for both better and worse. But I liked Elden Ring, so for me it's mostly for the better, even if I do wish they had brought covenants back and/or introduced one or two dedicated invasion zones. Oh, well. DS3 & BB servers still up for that I guess.

[thewhumpcaretaker]

genuine question- do you have any tips on staying focused when writing? I have a million WIPs and ideas at once and it’s hard to make progress on one project without bunny hopping into a different project or an entirely new one.

It’s ok if ya don’t have any solutions, just thought asking couldn’t hurt

My solution is to allow yourself to bunny hop! That's what I do. I try to rotate between projects. So I'll write some of my longform fanfic, then reply to an ask, then write a chapter of my original fic...whichever I feel like working on. That way I don't get bored. And to make it easier to get back into things, I sometimes leave myself notes about what I was going to write next.

But honestly, I just naturally can't stop writing because I'm a maladaptive daydreamer and writing is my outlet for the MASSIVE FEELINGS that I have about fictional characters. I can't really stop even if I want to, which interferes with IRL stuff at times. Not sure how to help someone else replicate that, or if you even should. The best way I can think of to nurture that mindset is to just get incredibly passionate about your characters. Immerse yourself in imagery of them, and daydream - but...be careful with that, haha!

And finally, something else I do to stay motivated is watch or read hurt/no-comfort so that I feel an urgent need to do something, anything, for my favorite characters (which for me means writing about their journey towards healing). That kind of deep craving makes writing feel more urgent than anything else.

Thanks for asking! ^_^ I hope some of this helps.

[purplewitch156]

hello I love your works!! especially Of Your Making!! you mentioned that was your first fanfic; what were some of the struggles you experienced if you don't mind me asking? any writing advice you could give for a new writer?

I really appreciate getting your ask today because I’m having an extremely irritating weekend, but this is a good step in the right direction, so thank you!

You know what’s funny, I didn’t struggle with Of Your Making, which is weird because it’s typical to run out of steam or enthusiasm while working on a project (especially large projects) or to come across bumps in the story’s structure or plot or characters that completely derail the creative flow. But that never happened in OYM. Even when I didn’t know what the next scene was going to be or what was going to happen after the Carcerem, I figured out answers to those questions startlingly fast. And I think I know why.

OYM was my fourth full-length story. The ones previous were all original works that were geared toward young teens (I was trying to make a career at it; I’m not trying anymore). And one of the things that you’re told when you’re trying to make a career out of writing is to brand yourself. Find your audience and write to that audience. Your fans will know what to expect from you and they will (theoretically) read your future publications. I was writing stories that naturally fit in with the middle school crowd so that was who all my future stories needed to garner to. The problem was I felt stifled and stuck. I wanted to write more adult themes, but I felt that I couldn’t. Now, I could have made a new pen name and published under that. That’s totally acceptable and something that many people do, but I was also coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t having fun writing anymore. I didn’t like the pressure and expectations I was putting on myself and so when I started my first fanfic, all those problems that were attached to original writing weren’t there anymore. It was like I was able to breathe again. I felt free in a way that I had not felt in a very long time. And best of all, I was having fun. And I think it was because of this that OYM was one of the easiest stories I’ve ever written. It was the most self-healing writing experience I have ever had simply because I removed all my rules and judgments and wrote for myself.

My advice to new writers:

Number 1: Study stories. This doesn’t have to just be written stories. This can include movies or video games. Pay attention to aspects of a story that you like and aspects that you don’t like and try to figure out why you like the bits you like and why you don’t like the bits you don’t. I’m not saying you should be overly critical about all the content you consume! Just become a bit analytical. A bit curious. If you feel like something’s missing or something didn’t quite work or something pulled you out of the immersion, try to pinpoint it. Try to figure it out. The same goes for the stuff that sucked you in. Try to figure out how it sucked you in. Why it sucked you in. The more you do this, the more it becomes second nature and the more you’re able to implement the stuff you like in your writing and dodge or spot the stuff that’s not working.

Number 2: Pull from yourself. I don’t mean to write everything autobiographically, though you can do that if you want. I’m more talking about pulling from your own experiences. For example, we all know what fear feels like. We all know what happiness feels like. We know what it’s like to make a new friend and what it’s like to lose them. When we read these experiences and feelings, we connect with the character more. We empathize with them. We understand them. We’ve been there, too, and because of that the story resonates stronger. Take this comic by @sarahseeandersen:

It's funny because it’s true.

I hope I was helpful. I’ve actually been reading Invisible Ink, A Practical Guide to Building Stories that Resonate by Brian McDonald and I’m finding it to be quite fascinating. He can be a bit forceful and rule-focused, which makes sense. He’s teaching you how to do something and having a structure or strategy is super helpful for that. So if you decide to read it (and I do recommend it) take his advice (and really, anyone’s advice, mine included) with a grain of salt. Writing is meant to be explorative and creative. And fun. Most especially, fun.   

[sullustangin]

SWTOR 7.3 Feedback

Non-spoilery stuff first

No technical glitches that I experienced on two playthroughs on Pubside.  Minus one or two moments with Odessen NPCs wandering around, nothing broke the game or immersion.  All the quests worked for credit; I had the weekly for Ruhnuk not work the time round, so this was nice. 

I am aware that there are some financial changes they’re trying to patch back.  Basically, too much is being charged between trades with other players directly and when mailing to alts.  Also!  There is now a 30-day cooldown period between joining a guild and being able to access the guild bank. So get those alts in sooner rather than later, especially if you plan on raiding/doing group stuff with them.

On the Gunslingers and Snipers you now have a 2% per 3 seconds passive heal while in cover  -- level 64 option.  This is a big deal for survivability for these two classes.  I ran dailies and set my companion to DPS.  I had to pause and heal the comp after combat, not myself.   No more glass cannon, but this might be nerfed soon, since it’s a little op.  I’m going to have fun with it while I can.

If you love the Mantellian Privateer or Mira’s Armor from KOTOR II but can’t afford either on Cartel Market, good news:  the Mira set from Bounty Association (the event that comes around every 1-2 months) is now unlockable in collections.  So if you have a Mando char that goes hard on Bounty week, you now have a new cert sink + unlock with Cartel Points for the whole account.  There are some subtle differences in the outfits for the discerning Space Barbie player.

The Date Nights don’t happen in this patch; I would guess it will probably be activated during Night Life in July. Speculation on my part, though

Non-Spoilery Plot Stuff:  A lot of characters that we had the previous option to kill are present in this patch.  This really gives me hope for future content; I previously complained that Bioware was writing to the deadest version of the game (where they assume everyone is dead and only work with Lana).  We got A LOT of coverage with ‘optional’ characters, so this does give me hope for the future writing: assume everyone is alive, and some people get less content.  I’ll talk about what that means later for this patch.

Onward to spoilery stuff.

Torian does get an Alliance alert, which his ba’vodu Eva answered; this is unromanced I feel good about the Torian piece I just reblogged, because it seems consistent with what we see here.  Torian thought the drama over his father was over, the shame was done, the name redeemed -- and there is all is, resurrected from the dead.  Even more content with our neighborhood Mando really does make me want equivalent content with Vette; given that (shitty) decision was almost 7 years ago now and we JUST got a storyline with payoff for that choice, Vette needs some love now, romantic or platonic, beyond Date Night. 

The only downside to letting Torian live at the moment, especially if you’re a smug or bh, is that you lose quality screen time with Akaavi Spar on Ruhnuk. She comes to your rescue in the final fight.  I also feel as if this scene should have been back with the 6.2 content drop, when the banner is first stolen, but it does work here as well, with the burning of it compounding all of Torian’s feelings about his history. 

While Eva does hate that burnt tater thot, the content for Arcann was really good.  I actively wonder if they are pulling things from the aborted third KotXX expansion.  THIS is the character development many of us wanted to see before romancing him: we wanted to see the realization of what he’d done, the desire to fix things, the acknowledgement it may never be enough for some people.  Ding Ding Ding!  I did view both versions of the Darth Nul investigation -- I killed him on DS Eva and let him live on my sunshine and Rainbows LS smug Dyo -- and the version with Arcann in it is so much better.  You also get an additional scene with him; romanced folks get a hug! 

Like the Torian scene, this Arcann development probably should have been earlier in the plotline, but WAAAAY earlier -- like 6+ years.  I think before the romance trigger, most definitely, but at least by the time of Nathema, especially if the Commander takes any of his advice to heart regarding Theron.  I think this falls to fan fic writers to fix, in terms of char dev. 

As I mentioned above, both of these guys are killable.  And they got some great content this patch.  The story feels better with both of them in it. 

As for our dynamic duo, Lana and Theron do show up and play a vocal role with Shae in regard to the interrogation of Malgus.  Theron does get to call Shae out on her working with Malgus to sack Coruscant 2x years ago (I have no idea what year we’re in since COVID screwed everything up).  We also get wonderfully protective partners in Lana and Theron.  Theron makes a comment that the work among other “benefits” keep him young if you’ve romanced him -- poor Lana.  There is noticeable smoldering going on between him and the romanced PC.  Theron does provide significant dialogue content and reaction shots, even though he’s killable.  And of course you get a Theron letter, which alludes to Date Night.  In sum, I don’t think Theron was at all side-lined compared to Lana.

The one weak part of all this is the tenuous connection between the Voss and Malgus’s plans.  In part, it’s becacuse Sana Rae had to be on Voss and decided to kill a few birds with one stone (or one Commander).   It boils down to a vision in which the PC saves the galaxy again.  We do get the tidbit that if we outright kill Malgus, things happen faster, but ‘things’ are ‘inevitable.’  Some of the ‘mundane’ quests verge on the ridiculous, but Star Wars always stomps on character hubris when it can. 

Did I enjoy going back to Voss?  Yup.  Did it make sense, given the nature of the Arcann content?  Yup; if you didn’t spare Arcann, this feels more contrived than if you did, in my opinion.  If I recall correctly, Voss was supposed to be visited in an earlier expansion but that was also canned. 

The transition from Bioware to Broadsword may be bringing old things back to life to ‘finish’ the game -- or start a new beginning.  I remain optimistic.  I will say that the old story of Voss and the new story post Eternal Empire does spin together well.

Good patch, in my opinion, minus the issues with the economic system that are ongoing.

[kithtaehyung]

re: people being upset by reader in window (and nothing to do with the ask game in which we all need to go to church)

i think the downfall of reader inserts is that everyone wants to see themselves in the character. but we're all different people, so that's not possible. and people tend to get really upset when reader makes choices that are different than the ones they would make because it ruins their immersion. (i also think that there's a lot of projecting going on when folks get that upset by a choice or action but that's not the point here).

to me, reader's feelings and behaviors are in line with the background we have of them throughout the whole series. yoongi too. healing isn't linear. reader is still going to have insecurities and their own past heartbreak is still going to get in the way. that's true for ALL of us. and yoongi's own past in regards to relationships (or the willful lack thereof) is also not going to disappear. it's been made clear throughout the entire series that whatever yoongi and reader have is new to both of them. yoongi's past has fueled reader's insecurities due to her own past (fuck off jungkook and all partners following him) many times up until window, and that's very reasonable. and then, on this trip, there's also the fact that reader and their brother have their own family stuff regarding the holidays which puts them both in a bad mood. AND THEN on top of that yoongi and reader's entire relationship is a secret. they have to hide, and that's not easy either. it can be really easy to forget what reader knows about how yoongi feels when their reality does not line up with what happens between the two of them behind closed doors.

i'm saying all of this because i don't want you to keep thinking that you weren't thinking things through enough or that you posted too quickly. i want to make sure you know that what you wrote DID make sense for the storyline and that it WAS in line with everything else that has happened throughout the series. people are entitled to not like how things played out, but from the little you've said about the feedback you got, they did not approach you kindly about it. the anonymity of the internet can make some people act with so much less respect than they would if they were talking to you face to face.

and i want to reiterate this again: i've ALWAYS found that when i really dislike something about another person, it's because i see that exact trait/behavior/etc. in myself. and i do think that's true for all of us. reader inserts are the ultimate tool for projection, and when being faced with something they don't like or don't resonate with, people react strongly. you're not the first author i've seen this EXACT thing happen to. at the end of the day, i wholeheartedly believe that it's not personal and that it doesn't actually reflect on your writing or your choices. reader inserts are a double edged sword in that they are as inclusive as possible but for that very reason it's just not possible for every single person who reads to be represented.

take as long as you need to feel comfortable with posting. i understand why it got to you, it definitely would have gotten to me too. thank you for showing up for us anyway 🫂 i hope you had a wonderful time in korea!!!! and that you have so much fun with yoongi AGAIN. thank you for being you 💕

WHOA Nicki when the hell did you send this?? Holy shit I didn’t see it until I actually clicked my inbox!

But damn.. thank you for saying all of this. I don’t really have anything else to add other than that because I’m extremely grateful. If it did make sense then I feel LOADS better because the things people were saying made me feel like I genuinely messed up my own characters. Ngl it hurt for days (but yeah, this was a long time ago and I’m better now!)

And thank you for the commentary on these characters, too🫂 I love that they are human and complex and don’t always make the best choices. While it’s frustrating to readers, trust me when it’s frustrating to me too and I’m writing it LOLLL but I want it to be realistic and/or not ideal.

We have a long way to go with their journey. I’m in no rush🤍

[glittertomb]

(There’s a fun exercise for expelling negative energy in bold font at the bottom if you don’t have the time or energy to read all of this)

I’ve been trying to live my life by the seasons more… such as shopping for seasonal crops, decorating my home festively, changing my altar with more regularity, following the moon and different celestial periods more carefully, celebrating holidays and practicing rituals instead of letting them pass me by, preparing myself and my space for upcoming changes, and fully immersing myself in different activities for the current weather… ✨so✨I decided to have a little Mabon celebration last night even though I’m in the middle of a chaotic move and torn between three places.

I spent all day methodically cleaning and preparing my new space, which was both coincidental and intentional because I’m unpacking boxes and cleansing myself of stuff I don’t need and organizing the things I do need in an aesthetically pleasing but functional way. And when I tuckered myself out I went into the backyard (yay, I finally have a yard 🥺🙏🏻) to commune with nature and eat wild apples while keeping an eye on my exploring housecat. Then I made an eggplant, cauliflower, bok choy, ginger, and green pepper stirfry to enjoy with my sister and her boyfriend (and he made onigiri which was so so tasty), and we drank witches brew and watched the live action One Piece and it was really cozy and cute. But now I’m getting to the part I’m really excited to tell you about! It starts out a bit sad but gets good, I promise.

I have a lot of old trauma that’s manifested itself in awful ways into my body such as chronic pain, chronic nausea, vagus nerve issues, and crippling anxiety, and all of this has recently culminated into the worst my health has ever been. Unfortunately, I was so deep in medical debt from surgeries, doctor appointments, medications, natural remedies, coping devices, therapy appointments, and disorder testing for almost 10 years (which sadly amounted to neither answers nor reprieve), that I couldn’t afford more care or to take time off so I could try to heal, so I was not only still suffering but feeling completely hopeless. On top of all of that, I just went through half a year of horror because I moved in with an old, dear friend who turned out to not be so dear as I thought and he was manipulative, moody, narcissistic, codependent, judgmental, filthy, and disrespectful of my boundaries, so my hair was falling out in clumps due to stress and I wasn’t taking care of my body because I was genuinely afraid to use the bathroom, kitchen, and other living spaces. This friendship loss was really discouraging because I’ve had to let go of both of my best friends this calendar year as well for reasons I don’t want to go into, but let’s just say that they were both habitually selfish, inconsiderate, and emotionally immature, so even though I love them and miss them terribly I had to move on. As if that were not enough, my job was taxing physically, mentally, and emotionally, and was not respecting my scheduling or disability boundaries, and because of staffing issues I felt obligated to work these ridiculous 12+ hour shifts because no one else could or would. All this to say that I felt like a broken-down, miserable, rotten, and weary version of myself and had lots of bitterness, hopelessness, negative energy, and old trappings to release myself from; so moving into a new space right at the change of the seasons would be a perfect time to do it!

What I decided to do when I went back home after dinner was write a list of things I wanted to expel, and I encourage you to do so as well! This can be bad habits, old mentalities, feelings of self-doubt, relationships that no longer serve you, just anything that’s holding you back from the life you want to live. I noted where I would experience sensations in my physical body as I wrote these things down (for example, as I was writing to you above about these friendships, I felt an ache in my chest and a burning sensation in my arms and throat), because that’s where the body is internalizing these feelings and where you’ll have to do extra work in the release process. Now it’s time for the fun part!

First, I played Shake it Off by Taylor Swift and danced, focusing on literally shaking off the old energy from parts of my body where I was experiencing negative physical sensations. I think this song is a great place to start because you can feel pretty silly doing this at first, but the whole vibe of this song is “who cares about looking silly and who cares about what the haters think”. I’m kinda my own biggest hater and have a ton of self doubt, so I actually had to go for a second round of this song until I started feeling comfortable enough, and hey, that’s okay!

Once I got into the grove, I played Dust Me Off by Tilly & the Wall and continued to dance, shake my body, and dust off all the sadness, fear, doubt, anger, hurt, and anxiety that I’ve been holding on to for so so so long. I’m allowed to forgive myself for old transgressions. I’m allowed to move on from ancient painful memories. I’m allowed to put down old habits, feelings, friendships, and places and open myself up to new ones!

Now that I was really releasing, it was time to get spiritual with Shake it Out by Florence Welch. I shook, I spun around, I flailed, until I cast off the “devil on [my] back” and let myself sway to the end of the song. It was cathartic, it was healing, it was soothing, it helped me work off that cookie I had after dinner, and afterwards I had a really wonderful sleep and woke up feeling more empowered to take on the day.

It was such a good exercise that I wanted to share it with everyone and I will definitely be revisiting it next time I’m feeling stagnated, overburdened, or depressed. I’m going to continue in the spirit of Mabon today with a little bit of tea, meditation, and maybe even decorating my altar with some early-autumn leaves, so don’t feel like it’s too late to try this just because Mabon was technically yesterday. 😊🍁🧡

And p.s. Feel free to message me other songs about shaking out the old or dusting off bad feelings. I’m inspired to make a playlist.

P.p.s. It’s in a little bit of a different vein but I just remembered Sweeping Spell by Faun Fables, which is about sweeping out old energies and cleaning up your home while you prepare for the dark season. 🧹🧹🧹

P.p.s.s. I first learned about releasing trauma through physical movement when reading The Body Keeps the Score, but that book is a bit tiresome and the author is a problematic old man, so I will post a list of better books to read on the subject soon 💜💜love yous and I hope you experience more peace after doing this!

[chibelial]

Debating on my next Elden Ring Build, please gimme your thoughts!

Under the cut I’ll describe builds I already have, and please in the notes talk about your own builds!

Alright I’ve got a few characters, 2 of which have been rebirthed into a new character/build. Here they are, in the order I made them

1. Veteran Blood Priest - Aegon: this being my first character, it went under a few revisions. I don’t remember exactly what build I was trying to run with initially, but as soon as I defeated Mohg and got the Sacred Spear; everything had to change. I love this weapon, it’s probably my favorite in the game. I revamped my character immediately into a wall of armor and poise, every stat that wasn’t put into stamina for that express purpose was poured into Arcane for max damage. With the Veterans armor and the bullgoat talisman, I could almost always activate the weapon art uninterrupted, and it would even melt bosses who can’t bleed. I went into NG+ and finished near every boss in maybe 12-15 hours and I take these playthroughs SLOW, the trident was just that strong, especially its weapon art. However I leveled this guy to like 170 or 180 and after that I realized you generally wanna stop anywhere between the 90s and the 140s, so I really don’t play him anymore, hence why I have bleed characters and a trident build on my list lol, I’d like to make one within decent leveling parameters. Also, this guy got the Frenzy ending. I found the 3 fingers by accident on my first playthrough and got the most vile ending.

2. Black Flame Knight - Bakura: Night’s Cavalry Armor and all the black flame incantations, maxed out godskin seal and godskin peeler. With Shard of Alexander and some other fire damage buffs, nothing melts bosses faster and more consistently than the black flame tornado, and all the spells are just insanely strong. People who say Intelligence/Dexterity builds are playing in easy mode may not be wrong, but I’d wager the game is almost as easy when you run a proper black flame set up.

Initially this guy was gonna be a death sorcerer, the name Bakura was a Yugioh reference to Bakura who always used occult themed cards and quite famously had destiny board, which I was supplementing as the rancor spells. Like 2/3 way through the game the build was trash. I just didn’t do it right cuz my brother has built a phenomenal death rite sorcerer. Ended up rebirthing and doing a black flame build. Haven’t renamed him yet but I probably will give him something more suiting.

3. Ranni’s Consort Eternal - Asmodeus: This was meant to be a conglomerate of all the “night” themed magic stuff I could use, and ofc this character did ranni’s ending. I used the zweidander with a magic, and later a frost weapon art, for most of the playthrough, to get myself ready for the Darkmoon Sword. Tried out Blaidd’s as well and loved it, but stuck w the darkmoon for immersion. Sorceries were a mix of night and gravity sorceries. I think I threw in 1 or 2 frost ones near the end just to prock the status more often.

4. Perfumer/Status Build - Carl Weezer: my brother and I were doing Carl weezer (from the show Jimmy Neutron for those unaware) and one night when I was stumped on what to do w a new character, I was like fuck it let’s make Carl. So I used the Godskin Noble armor, with the Albinauric mask, and I specifically made use of breathe and scream attacks. Using talismans to boost those and the perfume items, Carl was a VERY gimmicky tarnished. If you’re confused as to why the scream, breathe, and perfume attacks, it was simple. Carl is always defined by his failing health and his asthma so we decided, the perfume items were his inhalers and the breathe attacks kinda fit too. Scream attacks were based on the fantastic 4 / X-Men episode where his powers are burp based. Sorry to offend asthmatics but I had very little to work with. Carl ended up being such a mess that I rebirthed him with rennala and turned him into the next character I’ll list -

5. Beast Champion: This guy had Bernhal’s full set of armor, except of the head which was the Blaidd mask. Maim focus was just damage with the Beast Claw Hammer, but I ran the claw mark seal and all the beast incantations as well, along with a couple crucible spells. Ran a Cinquedea as well for a speedy option during pvp. I tried to use physical buff items and spells as often as possible to make up for the fact that this build was pure physicality, no damage dealing items weapons or skills unless they dealt physical

6. Lord of Frenzied Flame - Tenebrae: My magnum opus. This tarnished is the best in pvp of any of my builds, and aesthetically he’s so perfect. He’s a balance between faith and arcane, and I have the dragon communion seal in 1 hand and the frenzy in the other. I wear Eleanora’s gauntlets and have the Frenzy seal in the gold hand, and the communion seal in the red dragon scaled hand. I usually cast with the frenzy seal for the buff but in pvp the communion seal builds frenzy super easy on other players. With the gauntlets I just have Morgott’s Robe and the Merchants Headpiece, the headpiece is obv a reference to where the three fingers are found as well as Kalé’s cut questline. I thought morgott’s robe looked so raggedy and worn, it was perfect, plus what a mocking gesture to the golden order and the greater will than to be clad in the robe of Leyndell’s last king. It also was the only piece I could think of that kinda suited the giant flaming head you get during the end cutscene, thing has the watermelon for head size like SpongeBob’s sweater of tears. Ofc I was also running Vykes spear with this guy, but he was mostly a caster.

7. Blood Knight - Belial: I basically wanted to make a bleed character who was super fast instead of super slow and tanky, unfortunately I chose to use Eleanora’s poleblade instead of katanas or reduvia or something. It’s such a cool weapon but I was struggling a bit at the endgame, so I rebirthed this guy to use the trident again, but with a light roll. He’s currently got Mohg’s robe and I switch the other armor around here and there. I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing with this tarnished he hasn’t finished the game. Maybe the dlc will give us a twinmace and I can turn him into Ultraman Belial. I think I may just NG+ him into one of the guilds on the poll.

8. Adherent of Rot - Icky Vicky: this character focuses on inflicting rot and poison on strong enemies, while quickly cutting away HP with powerstanced daggers and consecutive damage boosting talismans. Right now she mainly uses 2 scorpion stingers and swaps 1 for reduvia at times. Haven’t NG+ yet but someone gave me a 2nd stinger. I’d like to get a 2nd Antspur rapier, with a poison weapon art both weapons could build rot and poison simultaneously. Character also wears Malenia’s gear with the mushroom crown. I use perfume items a lot and the poison and rot pots.

[celestialmancer]

... // 10:35 pm, Dwelling on things before returning back to other stuff I'm working on-- lengthier ramble I guess, not too long but yeah

Been kind of reflecting on my own relationship to my creative work & whatnot as of late, most particularly just... The level of importance that art/writing/other creative outlets has always had in my life, I suppose.

There's just been this like, acknowledgement (?) of how it quite literally is like... The main thing that's kept me alive & going, & I do mean that quite literally (considering the... circumstances... of past stuff...) since its probs one of the only consistent things I've had there for me. Like, the things i create/write/etc always have been a coping method I suppose, for letting out emotions or processing things I've had some experience with (or full experience with) & like, how it's helped me sort of start to piece things together to properly understand & work through them &/or even like. Figuring things out about the past or myself too, I suppose (case in point, how I had a lot of things come back to the surface one due to things I was writing that I had repressed, & then starting to just work through that all I suppose). Also why I tend to not be afraid to explore darker topics but, regardless...

Just, something that's served as a way of taking past hurts/foul circumstances/etc & purging them through that, turn the metaphorical poison into an antidote I guess for lack of better phrasing, poison being the past stuff I've been dealt & antidote being taking the shit from that & turning it into a tool to help navigate things & at times help in the healing process too Which, is something I've sorta acknowledged also in therapy (& I guess also why my therapist has taken such an interest in knowing about the things I've created, whenever we're not doing EMDR or talking about certain past shit I practically buried & never opened up about)

I think the... Main? Example? Of this especially was during the years I was dealing with M & other fucked up circumstances ig. Bc those were among some of the darkest years I almost didn't make it through, yet at the same time w going through the heinous shit I did those years I also. Was soaring w my own artistic stuff? like, those were also the years I was really excelling & doing a lot with my artwork, engaging in competition stuff too that i did really well in, got lots more creative outlets, & even the arts performance i became part of in front of a TON of ppl, & those were things that kept me going I guess? Aside from plenty other creative things I picked up on. (All this during a 5H profection year, lmao)

So its just, sort of seeing how that kept me from slipping away I guess? & then over the years, used it to start trying to find myself & my identity after the stuff that left me feeling devoid of one (outside of the... things from M & ... well, we won't get into that). & Also adds to the weight of artistic pursuits & everything for me & esp w how important all that's become to me in recent years (given current circumstances that are ongoing too)

I would. Really love to be able to put lots more focus & time into creative stuff honestly, I've never really had the chance to fully fully immerse myself into it w/o also simultaneously going through rly harsh circumstances (bc that's just how life is ig) but, maybe one day we'll get there.

[mithliya]

https://www.tumblr.com/amaka-nneka/735911907369861121/i-mean-like-the-reason-why-radical-feminists-view?source=share

thoughts? i will send another post later for you to comment on too lol

hm well, to put it simply, i don’t agree but i don’t entirely disagree. she didn’t really put in her worldview here but gave both groups the benefit of the doubt. but i have personal experiences that make it hard for me to be impartial and to give benefit of the doubt in such a way.

i’m sure that not every single submissive involved in BDSM is a victim of abuse, but i recall reading findings that showed that the overwhelming majority are. and from my personal experience, again, the overwhelming majority are victims of abuse. i was a victim of abuse when my interest in it began and when i became involved in that subculture. it’s really rare to find a female submissive who didn’t face abuse, to the point where i personally might’ve come across one at most despite being involved in that stuff & being in such circles for long enough.

in the early/mid-2010s BDSM was being heavily promoted and made more mainstream. rape cases were being dismissed at this point as just “very kinky sex”. this was a defence actual rapists have used. there was this whole image of “consent is important!!” in BDSM circles, but in practice? doms very often didnt follow the rules of BDSM that they’d promote. and sometimes those rules were used to justify violating someone. “well, she didn’t say the safe word, she said stop! so i didn’t stop bc she should say the safe word” for example. you can even find evidence of doms getting giddy over this online.

many ppl dismiss this phenomena with the idea that to truly partake in BDSM u need certain training and whatever else and the abusers that can be very easily found in BDSM aren’t “real doms” bc they don’t follow the rules. this idea that the abusers just didn’t count bc “REAL bdsm involves consent and xyz rules” was used to dismiss every former female sub who would discuss how BDSM was used as a guise to abuse her. of course, when you dismiss every victim as not really victimised by someone partaking in BDSM, you can argue that BDSM has nothing to do with abuse.

there was also a common push directed at rape & abuse victims, telling us that BDSM & CNC are good healthy ways to work thru our trauma, and somehow healing to victims of abuse &/or rape. i was one of those victims who genuinely believed that i was somehow healing myself by letting someone abuse me, despite experiencing constant obvious signs that i did not want it and trying to exit that lifestyle. i genuinely believed that my distress at what was being done to me was just bc of my trauma and if i just do it enough times, i’ll be desensitised to it and get better. it never happened btw, my trauma just worsened and i still have nightmares about my involvement with that stuff a decade later.

to say it didn’t help is an understatement.

the whole thing frankly only normalised abuse to me. i would be crying and distraught and hurting myself and attempting suicide, yet i was so convinced of BDSM being a good thing that i wasn’t even acknowledging the clear pattern of me engaging in these practices and my self-harm and self-hatred and lack of self-respect worsening. i already had skewed ideas of consent and that movement only skewed it further. everything wrong with me & my pain was simply further exacerbated, instead of being healed. it’s like i was being raped and abused over and over and over again. i was miserable. i felt like i couldn’t even say no anyways bc i was subject to certain rules bc i was fully immersed in this “lifestyle” and i thought that if i say yes, then i’m not going to experience rape again, but if i say no, then that creates the chance of me facing rape again. BDSM didn’t help me combat any of my skewed thinking, it only helped me dismiss it and helped the dom abuse me guilt-free. it was additionally traumatic bc this was all occurring within a coerced relationship that i felt trapped in & forced into.

so someone could argue that that was all not a real experience with BDSM. but that experience was what made me see issue with the whole thing, bc i felt like i was less than garbage for getting raped and thought having boundaries is just a way of ensuring i get raped & that i deserve to be hurt. whereas on the other side the dom got off on my pain and having control & power over me. this is not a fair or equal situation with two equal participants. it’s an abused girl trying to overcome abuse in a twisted way and an abuser who gets off on abusing an abused girl & gets off on the thought of me being dead. and i know i’m not the only person who experienced something like this when involved in BDSM. i know theres so many stories like mine.

so let’s say that didn’t count. but several years later, i entered a relationship w a woman who worked as a professionals dominatrix. i was very openly critical of BDSM at that point and she said that she’s only working as a dominatrix because she needs to, to get money to survive with. i didn’t want her involved in that stuff, but also i respected that i cant force her to leave until she’s ready to. anyways, she was a proud sadist (red flag) and had frequent violent outbursts. she enjoyed the moments where she could take her aggression out on her male clients. she had been abused by men in the past and i guess in that scenario, she felt she was finally the one in power. but she didn’t just physically abuse those men. she’d abuse me too. she would try to push me into being involved with this dom stuff, pressuring me to be involved in these “scenes” and pretending she was financially desperate, basically that if i don’t help her then i’m kinda just leaving her to suffer financially. she would randomly choke me or randomly bite me or would randomly lash out at me etc. we weren’t even officially involved with BDSM within our relationship. it didn’t traumatise me in the same way bc i actually wanted to be with her, & i have been able to tolerate physical abuse since childhood, but i cant say it didn’t traumatise me at all how she would verbally & psychologically abuse me. and knowing of some of those sub men she’d have as clients only made me hate the whole thing more. seeing how the BDSM stuff allowed an obvious abuser like her to treat her sadism as a subject of pride only made me more strongly against BDSM.

so… all i can say is that from my own personal experience, doms do tend to be abusers. and i as a former sub was abused by two different self-proclaimed doms. they weren’t these trained professionals, they were just people who got off on hurting other people and turned to BDSM to validate that. and when ur in that situation, it just allows u to justify and validate their abuse and to blame urself for their abuse. it just makes it easier for them to hurt u. so sure.. maybe not everyone in bdsm is an abuse or rape victim, maybe not everyone is an abuser or rapist.. but the whole thing definitely helps abusers & rapists have their way and gives them a nice selection of willing victims.

and i don’t think it’s safe or healthy to enforce the association between pain & sexual desire or to normalise it, for anyone. i don’t think it helps actually curb violent tendencies, i don’t think it helps curb the desire to experience pain or helps heal trauma or anything of the sort. i think partaking in it will only cause mental damage to both parties with one party being even more psychologically harmed bc of how traumatic it is to be abused in sexual contexts that u agreed to. i cant even explain how it feels to feel like u allowed someone to abuse u severely and can’t even blame anyone else for it. i don’t think i’m the only person who got involved in BDSM when in a state of learned helplessness due to trauma. and i know for a fact i’m not the only girl who got involved in BDSM as a child bc i had an entire circle of these friends that were also teen girls & buying into the BDSM nonsense back then. and the whole cycle of causing u emotional and physical torment and then showering u with love & affection when ur in “sub space” is just what abuse victims face all the time in cases of domestic abuse. my dominatrix ex would do exactly that all the time. it felt like i was sometimes with a complete monster and sometimes with a sweet loving woman. it allowed me to justify her actions as not “really her”. subs frequently discuss what is basically dissociation and trauma responses, and then “treating” those symptoms via love bombing from their dom (“aftercare”). look at how pro-BDSM sites put it:

this is literally describing how abuse feels. it’s describing how dissociation feels, and how it feels to no longer dissociate after facing abuse. then they describe lovebombing:

u can get an idea of what submissives are told and how the lifestyle in itself encourages u to just.. let the dom do whatever and give up what u actually want bc ur dom “knows better” somehow:

this is a long answer and got quite personal but.. to summarise… i just don’t agree. i don’t think there’s any actual merit to BDSM. obviously i’m biased by my own experiences and i can already imagine how my experiences can be dismissed but.. i don’t think i can be convinced otherwise after what i’ve experienced. i hold the beliefs i do BECAUSE i listened to the BDSM circles and saw the logic within them.

[thepolymathexcuse]

the beginning: an introduction to the blog

Hi everyone!

I am Pong, and I am 26 years of age as of this writing. This blog is mainly created for two main reasons: first, as an outlet for my creative expression and secondly, to potentially serve others who may be affected by the various stuff I write about.

A little background about me: I graduated with an engineering degree three years ago. However, I found out that this is not really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, so here goes another try at maintaining a blog.

I come from a small city in the Philippines and have lived here since I was a child. I've always felt like I did not belong here, and maybe one day, I might actually have the courage to leave and find myself someplace where I feel like I would fit. Or I might not.

I have the tendency to overshare so please bear with me, but it's mostly stemming from my fear of losing a voice. I feel like I'm a great talker, and God gave me this gift (although to some, it might be annoying hehe) so I might as well put it to good use.

As an Enneagram Type Seven, there is no singular thing that interests me. In fact, spontaneity and variety are the two main attributes that you'll find in my daily life. Many of the people I've worked with and even my friends have noticed that because of these numerous interests, I tend to be a bit scattered and out of focus. There is some truth to that, but I have this inner belief that everything in the world exists for us to experience, at least even once (or several times if we're blessed enough). It absolutely makes me ecstatic that we're surrounded by all this beauty to indulge ourselves with for the entirety of our lifetime.

One of my core values is seeking fun and I'm keen to chase things that stimulate the pleasure areas of my brain. As of now, this journey to becoming a polymath or a modern Renaissance person will be a fun journey to finally traverse. This journey is the origin of the blog's name "The Polymath Excuse" because it's basically just my excuse for fully immersing in life. I am currently on a healing season and this particular project of being a polymath seems to me the best way to rekindle the fire within me.

You have to keep this in mind: as a seeker of new experiences, my interests may (and will probably) change along the course of the journey, but I have one thing that I know is for certain: I will never get tired of writing.

Writing was my first love and continues to hold a dear place in my heart. It's the first hobby I've committed myself into since high school. From reading fantasy, dystopian, and young adult books back then, I've always dreamt of becoming an actual writer. I once even dreamt of winning the Palanca awards when I was in college. Quite the crazy ambition, right? Writing is part of literature, and I can mostly attribute my love for literature from my high school English teacher, Ma'am Cynthia, and the friends I surrounded myself with during my high school and college years. My writing goals have evolved from winning awards to just becoming an outlet for self-expression. I had maintained a literary blog when I was in college but that project had long reached its final breath. At present, I mostly write to share my thoughts and to keep a record of my life. It's always fun to go back and reminisce the past versions of ourselves, after all. I have, over the years, regularly kept a journal and a commonplace book to store my thoughts and knowledge I've acquired from various pieces of content. Now, I continue to record my life in several pieces of writing—from little notes of my daily musings to commonplace books that hold insights from my own self and from other people.

But writing and literature aren't my only interests. You can't even describe me an expert in the field. As emphasized in the previous statements, my interests continue to expand and now they span across multiple disciplines: from philosophy to the natural sciences, from mathematics to something as obscure as tarot reading, and from mythology to the many subfields of arts and humanities. Sometimes these interests may not be related with each other, but the first challenge of a polymath lies in finding the connection of almost anything.

Hopefully, through combining my love of writing and my fascination with all that life has to offer, I could craft meaningful articles that could serve two main purposes: firstly, for my future self to look back on the things that previously have interested me; and secondly, to hopefully inspire others to do the same. The second one might be a long shot, but the probability of sparking even the tiniest bit of interest about any random topic isn't equal to zero, so I guess it's worth a shot! There's the second challenge to a polymath: creating unique ideas interweaved from multiple niches.

My former idealistic self dreamt of changing the world and it's a noble purpose in and of itself, but maybe it's time I "dial down the scope" [1] to just trying to become a better version of myself one word at a time.

Basically, there is no noble reason for starting this blog. In fact, I might even consider it inherently selfish since it's a project that mostly benefits me in case no one ever sees the things I create. It might even prove the perception of other people about me: that I'm all over the place--because, surprise, surprise, the topics that will be contained in this blog will not be about a single, particular niche, but basically a hodgepodge of my varied interests.

It's just an excuse--an excuse to make my life worth living. It's that simple.

If I didn't reach the outcome of eventually becoming a polymath, at least the journey had been fun. I might abandon this project a few months (gosh I hope not) or a few years from now, but at least, it was a fun road to have taken.

I appreciate you for reading that scattered, all over the place introduction about this blog. May this blog fulfill its purpose both for me and to my future readers, and may all our dreams turn into reality, even if it's just one step at a time.

All the love, Pong

—

Note(s): [1] I encountered the phrase "dial down the scope" from Tiago Forte's book, Building a Second Brain. It means breaking down certain projects to a more manageable size so we can actually finish them. He adopted it from the idea of "scope" from software developers, which refers to the full set of features a software program might include. From the usage of this phrase, dialing down the scope means making my dream into a more attainable one.

[antigencomplex]

Should probably journal about something so I guess here is as good as any

The whole addicted and obsessed thing is manifesting in me in a way that is not fun and borderline unhealthy.

I felt the difference on Saturday, after I listened to Focus. I had a real day. I got a lot done. I went about it all with you and your voice in the back of my mind, and I felt capable, and not alone. It was wonderful. I wish I could feel like that all the time.

I think about you all the time. That’s not the problem. I thought about you all the time on Saturday too, but I was functional. Most days I’m not functional. I spend hours rereading our conversations and relistening to messages to the point where I can’t drag my attention away in order to work, where I’m extremely irritated that I have to care for the pets, where I don’t want to talk to anyone, and where basic self-care stuff is a struggle (which, to be fair, is often the case for me anyway when I’m depressed). But this isn’t an improvement on my baseline of depression because now I’m struggling but with the added weight of the actual physical pain of constantly longing for you and not knowing when or even if that longing will be fulfilled. And the wild mood swings of being ecstatic when I have your attention vs being hopelessly lonely when I don’t.

It’s not a good use of my time, for me or for our relationship, for me to be scrolling to the beginning of your blog or Twitter for the 10th time, or scrolling to the beginning of your ex’s tumblr for the fifth time and rereading all her posts about you. If we want any of this to be real - I need to be able to take care of myself, so I can work, so I can build up savings, so I can get my tiny house, so I can put it on a piece of land within a few hours of you, so I can make a life that I actually want to live. I think I can be devoted and adoring without spending all my time immersing myself in the same messages and blog posts that I’ve already read a million times and idk exactly what it looks like but I need to be doing whatever that is instead of this. And I do kinda feel like you created this monster so I need your help fixing it. Especially because, when I was given a suggestion to behave differently, I DID IT.

I don’t know if you can carry on the intensity level of relationship that you want with me with the amount of time that you actually have. If you want this level of devotion I might just need MORE back and I don’t want to beg for it. When you do have time for me it’s amazing and I know you try to make it. But I can’t seem to force myself to be chill - you’ve literally suggested and encouraged the opposite. I go stir crazy when I don’t have you. I have doubts, I think it’s all a lie, I think about how it’s all going to end, I start crying and can’t stop. I don’t know how to be securely attached to you.

It’s all made worse because the probable whole source of my kink is not getting the amount or right type of attention that I needed from my dad. It’s all really raw and I can’t just keep picking at it. If we’re going to do this, and we already have been, I don’t want to keep activating that part of me without giving it what it needs to feel cared for and healed, and I’m not going to be able to do it on my own.

I might just actually be too crazy. I worry. But I don’t want to stop. I just need help and time and understanding. I need. I need. I need. I hate needing. I hate wanting. I’ve tried so hard to be okay on my own and I try so hard to be okay with whatever I get and I tried and tried and tried and I’m so tired of trying and I just want to be yours and I want to be special and I want to be loved.

[dearlydarlingdahlia]

Why do I write?

I saw a helpful post on Reddit, where the OP was asking for help on how to stop caring about stats. They were feeling jealous of more successful authors to the point where it made them very sad, and I can relate to this sentiment. Lately, I've been questioning how 'good' of a writer I really am, and I'm questioning the point of writing at all.

I get that this is just a fun hobby, but the past year I've been pouring so much of my time, heart, and soul into this. I'm a housewife, so I have a lot of time on my hands and writing fic has been my obsession. Some weeks, I probably write more than 40 hours a week. For a while, I stopped gaming and reading because all I wanted to do was write. I would get up at 5 am just to write. Sometimes I would fall asleep writing. My writing was all I ever wanted to talk about, and I would tell everyone about it.

Recently, I've gotten a little too obsessed with stats. I would keep checking my stats page, and it would leave me feeling inadequate. I lurk on Reddit, and hearing other authors say that it's sad if a fic has less than one hundred or fifty kudos makes me feel like I must be some shit writer. None of my works have reached fifty kudos.

In the Reddit post mentioned above, one of the comments recommended taking a break and reflecting on why you write.

I started writing fanfic because I was inspired by Astarion's character in Baldur's Gate 3. I related to his story of wanting a break from sex due to his past trauma which tainted love making for him. I wanted to explore his healing further as a way of coping with my own experiences. His fixation with ascension/power triggered me, so I also wanted to write stories to process that. I was drawn to the small bits of gentleness he grew to show, and I wanted to create more moments like those. Although he was rightfully taking a break from sex for a lot of the game, I also wanted more smut for the times when he was ready. His story actually gave me a sexual awakening after not having sex for years. Writing about Astarion felt like a celebration of my newfound freedom and happiness.

Although I started writing fanfic last November and I've written almost one million words, I still feel so new to it. Prior to my first fanfic about Astarion, I actually had no experience with creative writing. Most of the writing I've done has been more formal stuff for school or work. I've also written a lot of long messages exchanged between friends.

So far, writing has been a rewarding experience. I love immersing myself in the world and writing the friendships among the characters makes me feel less alone. Since I primarily write for my preferences, reading my own work can bring me joy on a sad day. Writing has been a valuable opportunity to consolidate lessons from my own personal healing journey. I've been receiving EMDR therapy, where I use imagery to reprocess trauma. I like incorporating what my imagination comes up with in my writing. (Of course, I tag the trauma in my works).

In my writing, it's meaningful when I can model what healthy communication looks like. For example, how to explain to your kids that you have depression, how to give a genuine apology, and more. Of course, it's hard to do this in real life, but I like to imagine what could be. It's what I wish could have been said in my past.

I also like to attempt to challenge ideas that I find problematic. For example, the idea of 'saving someone from themselves' or that one person's love can 'fix' someone. I still think my writing might fall into these ideas, but I try to balance it out by also focusing on friendships and giving from a place of enough.

I enjoy using my ability to empathize to resonate with the emotional experience of the characters. Of course, each character is different, but I feel like I can relate to each one with different parts of myself and my experiences. Sometimes when I write the pain of a character I cry. It's miserable in a beautiful way.

After my first fic, I was pleasantly surprised that I got any kudos at all. I even got a nice comment, and I was overjoyed. I came in with zero expectations because I was new to writing. However, as I wrote more, I grew to expect the kudos because it became normal. When I put up my third (and most popular fic), I was shocked that I got several kudos within a few hours. I think this set an unrealistic standard for me. I've been disappointed that I haven't been able to replicate this performance since then.

I experienced my first 'failure', where I published a complete longfic that got zero kudos, zero subs, and zero bookmarks. I had the complete work up for at least a week. Also, for whatever reason, it seemed to give me bad karma because I've only been getting negative/rude comments since then. I felt mortified and embarrassed, so I ended up taking the fic down. The funny thing is I've been posting pieces of it as one shots, and it's having more success now. Still, I always worry that this will happen again. However, now that I think about it, I think the summary for that work was unenticing because I basically spoiled the love triangle. Woops!

Anyways, the negative comments I was getting made me feel like an awful human being for taking up space with my writing. I realize I'm an overly sensitive/emotional person, and other people probably wouldn't react that way. Honestly, sometimes I felt like I just wanted to pull the plug and nuke my account because I felt so awful about myself, but I'm glad I didn't. I wish I was better at not letting it get to me, but I think I've been eaten up by my own shame. Oddly, I don't even write about anything particularly kinky, problematic, or dark, so there isn't really anything logically to be ashamed of.

With my past, I'm used to being shamed and silenced. I'm used to acquiescing to being hidden away. I think receiving angry/hateful comments brings my mind to that unsafe time again even if these commenters can't actually hurt me. I fear that my writing just hurts or burdens people, and that it just shouldn't exist.

From DBT therapy, there's this tool called 'opposite action', where you act opposite of your unhelpful impulse. In my case, hiding and nuking my account would only propagate the shame that I feel. I've decided that the helpful 'opposite action', would be to leave things up and keep writing (of course, tagging appropriately).

However, I probably need more of a break from even writing. Unclear for how long. I just wish I could wash away the self-loathing that I feel. I think I just need a hug. I think I'm still grieving how meaningful writing once was. Now, I just feel like I'm in chokehold and I'm struggling to get out of it.