#im like... maybe trying to motivate myself to make a VN so maybe it just feels personal that way

[kitchenadefoxtrot]

It's definitely hard... like. In that 'I'm a nerd and want to speak about my interests, but also I know I'm not an expert, so I doubt myself, but then I see people who are way less educated on the subject than I am speak with their whole damn chest, and it's like. a little infuriating, so I wanna speak about it, but I know if I try to correct those people as if I am in some way a source of information on the subject I will immediately be clowned on and that sucks and makes me feel both self-conscious and also frustrated that the incorrect information is now the source of information. The solution might be to either get over the fear or ridicule or become more informed on the subject or both, but like. the subject is something like 'visual novels' so it's not really that important that I dig my heals in on the subject. But also I really enjoy it, so it's like... damn, man. I wish I knew enough facts to inform you about why you're incorrect about this situation. asshole.

Because a lot of people have really, really incorrect opinions about visual novels, but also like. they don't matter. And I don't necessarily know the correct information about the stuff they're incorrect about. It's just like... some stuff is based around a general bias of 'this is gooner shit' or like. 'This is just reading.' which... even if some of it is like... a picture book with music and pushing a button to progress the story instead of turning a page, like. welcome to digital media, it's exploring multiple wonderful and expansive ways to make stories more interactive and immersive. Soundtracks, voice performances, character art, background art, interactive elements, narrators, animations, branching narratives, reader/player choice, character customization, etc... it's part of merging games with novels. the degree to which the novel elements or the game elements are stronger depends on the creator and the game. Some folks think all visual novels fall into the same category are people who likely have no interest in the genre and, even more likely, had some pretty negative experiences with their first or first few VNs. But, if you play the right ones at the right times, they can be just about anything. And a lot of the people who play like... two, and say those two were the first of their kind to do XYZ thing, probably played DDLC and I *like* DDLC. But like. it's not the first of its kind to ever do anything like that ever ever, ever. I think it just collected a million pieces from a million other games and put them for free on the English-Speaking Market, and tapped into a fucking excellent time for streamers playing horror games online. But like. if you've never played one of those games with a semicolon in the title because they're a gooner game, or you've never touched a Higurashi, or the millions of entirely untranslated games that I have absolutely no experience with because I don't speak Japanese despite my middling efforts at multiple classes to learn, you probably only know really, really successful VNs that get fan translated, cult followings or shock meme reviews. like. I only listed popular games because I only know of a few popular Japanese VNs because I have limited understanding and access due to my monolingualism. I love watching people who speak Japanese talk about the VNs they find and love and play in Japanese, because there are some deeply fascinating gems that I will never have the ability to play because I don't know if I will ever be able to learn kanji. I have tried, I always feel like a fucking idiot, I don't think it's a possibility for me. But, there's also a pretty wide and varied market of English VNs, that do a lot of interesting things for the English Language Market, though, a lot of the steam page for VNs gets dominated by low-effort 3D model smut which is all people talk about when they bring up the EnVN stuff. Never like... Our Life: Beginnings & Always, which consistently tops the charts of the EnVN sections, a genuinely great slice of live game. Yeah, it is kind of fluff, so maybe all those hardcore gamers looking for something horrifying and mind-blowing aren't interested in just... growing up with a best friend/love interest in a small beach town and how your life and relationships build and change due to your choices and sometimes despite them. But comfort games rarely count as real games unless they're farming sims. I guess everyone's losing their shit over Love in Deep Space because it's "female gooner games" which does feel absurd in this context, it's just very well animated but seemingly the same thing that's always been here? It's more of a gacha than a VN, so I don't want to trick myself into a gambling habit when I have no money, so I haven't played it. I touched that world with Arcana and like. That was barely a gacha, it was just suffering.

This has turned into the weirdest fucking rant. idk.

[dreamy-stars]

1/1/20

holy shit i haven’t spilled any thoughts in so long! i’ve changed so much! and i’m happier now. it’s a new decade! i have so much to say

2019 was a great year as i actually did things that would have made me uncomfortable. spring semester of 2019 was a shitshow i think i dropped a class and only took three. dropped diff eq with the bald guy and i remember sitting in class no thoughts head empty and trying not to cry. and then going to some tables on campus and calling mom and bawling and apologizing. somehow i got through the semester after crying over tests and assignments. OH i started lifting weights and working out and i love it. i love being strong. being healthy is something i’ve always wanted to work towards and the women on weights program was so enjoyable. i was trying to get rly toned to look good for the nct concert actually. unfortunately i haven’t worked out much since it ended :( hoping to get back into the gym once the semester starts again. i wanna be RIPPED for summer 2020 >:)

working at sweet hut was a great experience as i was able to learn more about myself and add to my resume! i actually learn pretty fast and even though i messed up a handful of times i just want to give myself some credit hehe. i liked making new friends there, as well as bonding with my cousin more. before, i would be a bit afraid of the long silences, but now we talk about whatever and never shut up <3 working a customer service job made me appreciate the fact that i am still working towards a degree. i don’t think i could do that for an extended period. my feet hurt every day and my hands were so dry and getting blisters like crazy. ofc night shift is crazy but i loved getting tons of tips each night. We Live In A Society. i think i became more confident in small talk? idk being on the register made me better but i didn’t even do it much. i also value customer service and tipping much more i always try to tip when i can. anyway i miss making drinks and burning the sugar on the creme brule. 

after working i became more motivated to work hard in fall semester. for this semester i picked two classes to be on the other campus so i could see if i could actually talk to ppl. it wasn’t that much of a change but ppl are much more open to talking in the first week i guess. i’m gonna miss that. joining vsa was the best decision this year i think. it took some courage to talk to ppl first but working at SH helped me ton. because of that i made friends outside of class isn’t that wild? too bad it’s on the other campus bc i would go more often. i think my schedule might not work with vsa next semester idk :/ i went to my first College Party this year which was so much fun! i was nervous bc i only knew like three ppl but just mingle-ing is fun when ur buzzed. i think my tolerance is pretty high idk how many shots i took :| anyway hanging out with new friends i made makes me happy. definitely a highlight of this year! also school went better than before!!! my grades are not the best but i know i put in work so i think it’s okay. also i need to stop relying on chegg so much LMAO...commuting was harsh on me and took up SOOO much time. i only skipped class a couple times (mainly bc i was sick) so i’m proud. didn’t take classes on other campus this semester bc i’m lazy and would rather spend time studying in the library nearby. 

love life is sad still. chemistry is SO important. i think through text is just as important as irl. i went on a date with this guy that was a boring and unfunny texter and was like lemme give it a shot maybe its diff irl. it was alright but so....boring like no flirting like....    also he was younger and i hate younger guys...feeling like a hag... anyway this semester im hoping to go on a date with a girl instead. i thought i had a crush on oomf but it was like for a week. idk if it would ever happen but i rly like his personality and humor. 2020 pls let me have a lover im bored lemme emotionally depend on someone

stanning bts is getting so hard tbh. i can barely keep up with content from LAST YEAR. so much happens. i only go on ig like twice a day and i go to like ten ppl’s twt i dont even scroll down the tl bc it overwhelms me LOL. just looking at bts overwhelms me like i feel anxious sometimes? bc i’m missing out on stuff...idk how to explain it but i think the mama speech from 2018 made me...humble? less focused? on them? like i don’t wanna be so attached and when the day comes that they d*sband i lose my mind. bc i was so devastated that day. kinda made me chill out. being busy with school and work also made it hard to focus on them. guess i really am growing up..but also i became so obsessed with nct i love the nct daily channel LMAO feels like i’m cheating but their content is easy to digest and i don’t get so emotionally invested i guess. when i watch bts i sit there and FOCUS and give them my full attention. nct is for after hw and just to chill. do i make sense? but as i’m on break and watching bts performances and run episodes, i realize how much i missed watching them. i love them so much still and always will! sometimes it shocks me how huge they are. like you can’t compare them to anyone now. they are the highest achieving group i think. PERIODT fjlajajhka thinking back to when they were smaller and i told myself i would support them no matter what and i didn’t care if they didn’t get big like i genuinely loved them and now they are loved worldwide like....my babies.....<3 uwu...it’s crazy how much they’ve achieved in 6 years. i’m so happy for them.

also shinee’s whole discography is on spotify now! i was listening to it the other day and CRYING like a baby. i miss jjong so much especially his voice. i remember being 11/12 and spending hours watching the shows they were on i really miss stanning them. their music brings back so many feelings. ugh so good.

my mental health has been pretty good this year i didn’t cry much and the source of my stress and sadness is always school. fall semester was pretty good. i learned recently that i get jealous over ppl only a little though. it just passes by in thought but i don’t voice it to anyone bc it’s stupid LMAO. i don’t think the jealousy is that bad just minor.

2019 was a great year. i never really noticed the changes and growth i experienced but it was really apparent this year and i’m glad i am evolving :) my goal for this year is to get fit and be more comfortable in the gym, gain experience in my field through joining clubs, and be even more social (also be better at driving hehe) i’m very thankful for those around me and i hope to be closer to friends in 2020. looking forward to going to vn in the summer!

let’s have a great 2020 jen! ♡