#so im gonna try and save that now
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How are you?
Ahw that is very sweet of you to ask, thank you! I hope I didn't give off worrying vibes or anything xp
But I'm genuinely good! I'm going to have to start job hunting soon, which is nerve-wracking and I still don't have my final grade for my MA thesis (super rude, I handed it in mid-December), but I am weirdly not that stressed about it. Shout out to self confidence, I guess lmao
Right now I've just been writing a lot, like a lot-a lot. I haven't done much else. There are so many fics just chilling in my folder right now, but that's good. Since I spend so much time writing the diary fic, I didn't write as much ahead as I wanted to give myself time to start on other bigger fic ideas, so hopefully this will give me that time, so I have the peace of mind to work on bigger projects again. I have way too many ideas at this point, it's a problem lol
How are you? I hope you're good! <3
#rr ask#giving you a hug for this#very kind!#i am having a blast being a hermit for now#love not really going outside and sequestering myself in my room with my laptop#i am going to the dentist tomorrow so there is that#hoping to get a referral to my jaw because its been fucked for years and now i think it's starting to mess up my hearing#which would suck#so im gonna try and save that now#but its gonna be bills so that kind of sucks too#but i have savings so me and my savings are going to get health care lol#luckily im not usamerican and it's payable
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Bought the most expensive Pencil™ of my life to test out drawing on an iPad whilst I was on hols
#art#doodle#battle priest#so i won an ipad at a conference earlier this year and had no idea what to do with it lol#it's now my “temporary tablet” when i'm away#and want to do art but im not away long enough to bring my actual wacom#speaking of which drawing directly on a screen is so weird im still an Intuos5 type of person XD#and the lack of keyboard shortcuts got some taking used to#sketchbook is a pretty neat free app tho#i was gonna try and use Fresco but i immediately uninstalled it once i realised you could ONLY save things to the cloud in it#side note the slight tilt to the yellow bar in Rire's pic irks me but i literally did that on purpose to make ppl uncomfortable/aggravated#SO GOOD TO KNOW IT'S WORKING I GUESS XD#sz
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{☆} characters arlecchino {☆} notes drabble, fem reader, sub reader, transfem arlecchino {☆} warnings 18+ content, breeding kink, degradation, stomach bulge, dacryphilia, restraints
"Arle, hah..please. I can't– I can't wait any longer."
The pleading, almost pouty, words had her letting out a deep, husky chuckle as she fiddled with the buckle of her belt, admiring your body as she stepped up to the bed. Her knee sank into the mattress as she knelt down, pressing a placating kiss to your brow and gesturing for you to turn over.
"Come on, dove. Be a good girl, or I'll treat you like the whore you are." Arlecchino clicked her tongue, firmly grabbing your hands and tightening her belt around your wrists, giving the leather a firm tug to test its strength– and to make sure it wasn't too tight. "I'm in a good mood. Don't spoil it by being a brat, little dove."
The pout it drew from you made her grin, canines flashing beneath her lips as she settled in behind you, cupping your ass in her calloused hands with an appreciative grumble. Your panties were already sticking to your cunt, the fabric soaked. She couldn't help but drag one of her digits across the fabric, teasing your folds beneath it.
"Lucky I adore that pretty mouth of yours or I'd have cut out your tongue," She gruffly spoke, her tone neither in jest or too serious– perhaps she would, maybe she wouldn't. She liked to keep you on your toes. "Hm. Maybe I'll use your throat after– shut you up properly. You look so pretty gagging on my cock, you know?"
Arlecchino slid her fingers beneath the waistband of your panties, tugging them down just enough to see your slick cunt, her fingers pulling the folds apart. Fuck, she could feel her cock throbbing against her boxers at the sight– she'd never get tired of it, just like she'd never get tired of using you like a toy.
"But in the meantime.." She finally pulled down her own boxers, her aching cock slipping free and slapping against your thigh– she slid right between your thighs, forcing you to squeeze them together around her. "Fuck, that's it." She growled, pumping her hips a few times before she was satisfied, lining up her cock with your entrance.
She had the decency, at least, to sink in slowly at first..let you adjust to her size for a brief moment before she snapped her hips forward and sank fully into your cunt with a sharp hiss.
Arlecchino typically enjoyed teasing you first, making you practically beg just for her to give you her cock at all, but she had other plans tonight– she wasn't going to waste time playing around this time. Her hand slipped down to your stomach pressed against the mattress, a low chuckle building in her chest at the distinct bulge her cock left. It was a wonder she fit at all– but she'd make it fit even if she hadn't.
"Be a good girl now and don't complain." She grumbled, leaning down to press you down into the mattress with her body, nipping at your ear before she pulled her hips back, hissing at the way you clenched around her in response. She took a moment to sit there, letting you ruminate and squirm at the lack of movement– only to grab a fistful of hair and start pounding you into the mattress before you can even think to whine about her lack of movement.
How quickly, how easily, you turn into a blubbering mess as she uses you like a toy for her own enjoyment. Not that you won't enjoy what she has in plan for you– just maybe not as much as she does. The mental image of filling you with her cum..it drives her thrusts harder, faster. She wants to fuck you stupid with her cock, fill you to the breaking point until her cum pools on the sheets, unable to be fully plugged up. Just the idea of watching her cum dripping down your thighs makes her control slip just the slightest bit.
She's already big enough to bulge your stomach with every thrust, but she wonders if she can push it further.
She certainly wants to, and she intends to.
The fat tears rolling down your cheeks only got her more excited, her hands gripping your hips so tight she can already imagine the bruises in the shape of her fingers against your skin.
"That's it, dove, give in," Arlecchino hissed, a low growl rumbling in her chest as she continued to pound into them relentlessly, her thighs already stinging from the sheer force of it. "Fucking take it, you whore."
Her muscles flexed in faint restraint, the shifting of your arms against her as you nearly screamed at the intense rush of pleasure making her sink her teeth into your shoulder in warning– a futile effort, really, as your body twitched when you came so hard she briefly considered if she had to stop..but you were still moaning even through the tears rolling down your cheeks, rocking back into her thrusts weakly, unable to keep up.
She wasn't too far behind, either. Her teeth dug deeper into your skin, muffling the growl as she plunged into your soaking wet cunt, bucking into you in much shorter thrusts until she finally felt her cum spilling into you. It was almost enough to send her over the edge again– fuck, you were practically sucking her in with how tight you were, squeezing around her cock.
Her head slumped against your shoulder as she pulled her teeth from your skin, taking a moment of respite to catch her breath and let the sting and ache settle in deep– she welcomed it, if anything. But she wasn't done.
She was going to fuck you till you were full– fill you up until she couldn't fit another drop.
For now..she pulled out, admiring the way her cum dribbled out of you. She didn't mind all that much..she was going to replace it tenfold, anyway.
She couldn't wait to plug you up and see you squirm during the meeting tomorrow, full of her cum and unable to find relief– maybe she'd make it a toy, see how long you last before someone realizes what's going on. She was going to enjoy it thoroughly.
#genshin impact smut#genshin impact x reader#genshin smut#genshin x reader#minors dni#writing tag#arlecchino smut#arlecchino x reader#so. um. yeah. we r not gonna talk abt this one I was feeling indulgant and shdhdgsjsjsjsj#arlecchino awakens smth in me idk dont ask me#i considered making this tmasc arle for a hot minute but ill save that for another day#anyway manspreading arle agenda thsnks 4 coming 2 my tedtalk#anyway² slamming hands on table arle breeding kink arle breeding kink arle breeding kink#technically no actual direct mention of breeding but shes still trying anyway#sorry im in an arle phade i need her to do unspeakable things to me yknow. you get me.#PHASE not phade its 3 am and i csbt sleep twirls hair#accidentally posted this draft premature im AHHHHHHHH#okay im fine now
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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how long since the last magma dump
#this ones small compared to the others i feel n also all out of order bc formatting is a bitch#all saints street#wan sheng jie#ive been reading for once omg#jrwi riptide#fields of mistria#drawtectives#do i tag characters... question that haunts me for these kinda posts#nick hoult#wsj crystal#<- sweden win... is for me#jasmine drake#<- missing him everday all the time every second#drawtectives felix#hes trying to loaf idk how well it reads#oc#do you remember him. whatever happened with him. whered he go. (<- the one who has full control of all that)#my art#magma#robins peeking in too everyone prepare yourselves cus like i finally started his save n oh boy its gonna be bad i think but what do i know#that ones literally months old too atp. like ive been holding myself back from getting to him for so long n now im free im gonan be crazy
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im doing a lot better now!
#ace attorney#i love adrian :) i think abt her a lot#she's like 'you guys saved me and i feel a lot better now bc of you' like we didnt try accuse her of murder girl IM SO SORRYYYYYY#one thing i did rlly like abt her in 2-4#was like. phoenix's savior complex in putting all his faith and trust in his clients yea?#and well engarde betrayed that so it was like#this little sink of despair. but adrian ohh adrian she asks phoenix for help when everyone is at rock bottom and when it seems lost#and phoenix does. she becomes his new 'client' to redirect that faith towards#she's been through so much and was so so important to turning 2-4 on its head#IM GONNA GET YOU OUTTA HEEEEERRREEE#i was delighted to see her again when starting aa3 and so soon! im so happy for her. love her so much#definitely top 5 witnesses for me#she got her riza hawkeye fit on ...
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act i scene i: older, childless, bachelor Barbarian!Bakugo finds you six months pregnant hiding in an empty stable during one of his clan raids--and instead of slaughtering you as a much younger him might've done...he throws you onto his cart of treasures and decides to take you home so he can start the family he never had with you and your child as his bride and baby.
#bakugo#i actually wrote a bunch out for this but i dont like it and it's too long so here you go#if i work on it some more tonight ill reblob this with it#but for now heres the premise (it's dark srry):#sh*t gets weird ofc#im imagining you got preggo at the last raid you went through but managed to survive#so it's not like you want the child anyway#and when he raids your village like lowk you dont care bc it isnt your home . plus youre not even expecting to survive#since you have no husband and are incapacitated with baby#so youre just waiting to die essentially but then this sexy barbarian saves you thinking hes being ... nice#bakugo is like. well now is a good time as any since idf like anyone in my village#and youre just like dam this sucks#anyway LMFAOOOOOO then youre in his house having this baby and the whole town is invested in this tea#and not only does bakugo have to win you over ... he has to convince u life is worth living#and that he's really gonna be the dad to your baby#you try running away after giving birth and ofc u cant do it and he has to rescue you#and youre so upset#but he washes you up and scolds you in his tongue for being stupid#and hes not gonna keep u forever if its not what u want but#he really does want the baby and you if youll have him#and everyone is rooting for him and likes u so much#even tho ur like a feral mama cat#jfalsdjkfladksjf#gen#shii posts#pregnancy tw
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Moze x Jiaoqiu
word count: 900~
description: just mozqiu being domestic (pre-2.5 events)
moze is the type of husband who always cleans, keeps everything neat, he will run (quite literally) anywhere and do any errand without complaint, nothing is too hard or difficult for him. he is v protective, „I promise I will bring him back“, nothing is stopping him from getting his husband back, he is confident in his abilities, to the point he isn't even worrying. he always attentively listens to jiaoqiu’s ramblings, his full attention on the foxian. he will eat anything jiaoqiu puts before him, no matter his preferences. uttering simple praises after the meal and never letting his husband clean up.
at night he cuddles with him, being the big spoon, holding his husband close, face buried in the orangey pink hair. like a touch starved kitten, he gravitates to him during the day, always hugging him- backhugs are his favorite. jiaoqiu always smiles, a sparkle in his eyes with each embrace. moze is often quiet, very thoughtful- usually ending up blunt in his words but not cold, never cold. the care and love for each other shown in the soft words, gentle embraces and lingering gazes. moze doesn’t do causal touches, his hands don’t wander to jiaoqiu’s soft tail, or even softer ears, or to caress him. he doesn’t want to overwhelm his husband or make him uncomfortable. yet when they stand close he bumps his nose against his. and when he is so so tired he rests his forehead on the shorter man’s. recharging, seeking comfort, love. luckily for him, his husband knows his main love language is physical touch. jiaoqiu bringing his hands to cup his cheeks, thumbs caressing the rough skin. he misses the smile that brightens the foxian’s face, his eyes shut relishing in the sensations. such a sensitive and responsive man. jiaoqiu is the only person moze allows to touch him, to drag those soft fingers across his scars, through the silver hair, to see him shirtless. he is the only one with whom he makes and keeps eye contact. moze is the type of husband that even without being close jiaoqiu can feel his touch on him. sitting across him, over a hotpot. lilac eyes on him. full of love. as if he is caressing his husband’s cheek at that moment. making jiaoqiu’s chest feel warm from the feeling of such a silent expression of admiration.
on the days jiaoqiu voices that he feels tired a quick response is given in turn “I can carry you.” a blunt, straightforward, and the same offer every time. he is more than happy to carry him + he enjoys showing off for his hubby. not caring for the public opinion or any observers; it doesn’t even cross his mind, jiaoqiu’s happiness the only thing on his mind. sadly, he is always rejected (occasionally making him pout). moze doesn’t even know why (painfully obvious why, the rare blushed jiaoqiu further confirming it). shadows are his safe haven, but jiaoqiu is his peace. they fill each other's needs, like puzzles fitting together, completely domestic in their behaviors; perfect for general feixiao’s safety and well-being. despite working together they don’t get tired of each other. work is work and their house is home.
coriander is not allowed under this roof and no big lights are ever on. when they have guests, jiaoqiu compensates with many small lamps, fairy lights, and a bunch of candles. unscented ones. otherwise, they would clash with the meal. sometimes, jiaoqiu will light a scented candle, but it won’t be lit for longer than an hour, otherwise, he would get overwhelmed due to how sensitive his nose is to smells. moze being the clean freak, and insistent on maintaining really good hygiene and not strong perfumes so he can do his job perfectly would just make jiaoqiu purr if he could. type of husband truly only for him. jiaoqiu is quite a social butterfly and he drags his husband with him, who will grumble a bit and then go along, and behave politely to the best of his capabilities. moze cannot read a room to save his life, short in his sentences and straight to the point despite pondering his words prior, they end up always coming off blunt. he means no harm and what he says is usually of little matter, and none of it holds any weight to him when all he needs is to hear his darling chuckle or gaze at him and all is well in his world. the only result he could possibly ever wish for.
and when they kiss? the lighting and shadow with fire and spice? the I talk a lot, flirtatious, rarely flustered with I listen to you with heart eyes, mainly unaffected but you make me smile. well… they keep it private. such actions feel too personal and intimate for them to be shown in public and given for anyone to see on display. they hold it too close to their hearts, it matters in a different way to them. something near and dear. they won’t be caught showing pda, not even holding hands- well they rarely hold hands either way. it is behind closed doors and in the privacy of their home that their lips meet, and hands wander, leaving soft touches in intimate places that they’d never do in public (unlike many others). it means too much to them.
#UGH THEM#BITES THEM#idk what this is i just had to write it down after watching the 2.5 livestream#moze is so autistic coded i cannot explain it but he is#the gays!!#moze x jiaoqiu#BEN BALMACEDA TRY TO VOICE A HOYO CHARACTER NOT IN A GAY RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGE FAILED#gg honestly that man has range i was so surprised and he did an insanely good job with moze#also finally felt comfy enough to write about moze now with the va change#ben is truly amazing#kaveh is always my pookie#IM SO LUCKY MOZE IS A 4 STAR PSPSP I GOT UR HUSBAND COME HOME MOZE#btw i do speak chinese amongst a shit ton of lang i speak and their pronounciation of moze is kinda strange. it should be a “ts”/ “c” sound#not a “z” sound#also for some reason i thought i was gonna write like 2 sentences so i started writing on tumblr and had to save it as a draft when I poste#it got fkn deleted cos tumblr fkn bugged out and i spent 2h breaking#down cos it was so fkn beautiful. and i couldnt possibly get the flow of it back or the exact version#hopefully i managed to rewrite it again in a way that it is readable#moqiu#mozilla firefox#hsr#honkai star rail#fluff#jiaoze#mozeqiu#divider cr: milklemondrop
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...so my laptop finally died
#its me the mun#died right after i finished a reply. colour n all. im so sad#i cant even upload it anywhere now!!! cos my laptop is now unresponsive!!!!#i literally had it in thr drafts i was typing out the tags n then my laptop crashed i wanted to cry#i was so close..........#im gonna try n see if i can at least save that one reply#god i owe like 90% of the blog to this laptop. i know its about time but..... not like this........#i was just typing in the tags before my laptop crashed. i kind of wanted to keep this blog with art from my laptop#since it looks a little different from my ipad sketches. cleaner. neater. consistent colours#but i guess now i dont really have a choice u-u#well not like the inbox is that full. ill see what i can do with the two or so asks i have#i will set aside time to draw thats my new years resolution i refuse to fall back into work induced depression#anyway fifi pls give me more time to get to ur reply im so sad i couldnt get it out before it died......#i spent half an hour trying to get it to go past the welcome screen...... sighs.....
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i’m absolutely fucked,,
#PLEASE feel free to ignore this im just mad and need to vent#went to the dentist and i need a root canal and it’s gonna cost me £1300#im fucking cooked#that’s like#majority of my available savings#the rest are in a lisa i can’t move money from for my house fund#i’m so fucking frustrated i want to cry#i take such fucking good care of my teeth too#it’s in a back tooth that i apparently have a filling in???? a filling from when i was like 8 that i thought was in my baby teeth#and like they’ve only just caught it now#i’m going to be so skint#so yeah rip to me and being able to do ANYTHING next year 🙃🙃🙃 like at christmas too this couldn’t have been a worse time#stelle yaps#if i’m not active today it’s bc ill be trying to distract myself
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.Aventurine. Aventurine. Boy wh y
#★ arin rambles#★ my art#my best friend finished aventurines boss in 1 try#(i was stuck so i never knew what happened after)#wish she never did#im filled with so much sorrow#THE NOTE. THE NOTE THE NOTE THE NOTE#HE. CARES HE CARES SO M#IM DOOMED#IM TOO LITTLE FOR ALL THIS SADNESS#SO MUCH . TEARS . TOO MANY SAD. WHY. WHYYY MEEEE#The note……… Im never ever gonna drop this ever#Aventurine’s story will haunt me forever#(affectionately)#so good….. but like in a painful way. Like ive been crying for 3 days now#today was the worst offense. MY HEAD HURTS STILL#SAVE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE CALLED escape penacony obby!#ill stop rambling now . I need . Rest. Or a ratiorine overdose whichever i find first#i hope my best friends dont see these tags they’ll think im pathetic#And i am. But nobody has to know that#THE NOTE— Okay fine ill stop ILL STOP#hsr penacony spoilers#hsr penacony#penacony#dr ratio x aventurine#dr ratio#aventurine x dr ratio#aventio#ratiorine#hsr aventurine
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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so far it feels like all of the praise, or at least hype, for arcane is about playing around with the facts of the champions and not the actual meaning to their stories
im pretty sure this applies to other champs too but like theone foremost in my mind rn is everything to do with Orianna. people are going like oh, viktor will make her a machine! or singed won't be able to bring her back. Orianna's just dead or asleep in stasis and this is not at all the clockwork girl who tried to befriend an amusement park automaton because she was so lonely
it feels like this with warwick, with viktor, jayce even ekko and kinda jinx — season 2 has been nothing but. playground toys. make-believe in the sandbox. action figures are being mashed together but nothing of what made these characters Themselves is actually. Here.
idk it's 2 in the morning. this endless stream of praise is just bewildering. how haven't anyone else's brains been turned to mush by the rapidfire bullshit going on in each episode? shit just happens and there's no emotional weight to any of it. there's no time. off to mark the next thing on the checklist
ugh
#arcane crit#more like venting tbh i fucking hate it here#vent#arcane season 2#arcane season 2 spoilers#it's like. looking at people making all these wacky theories#about a character youve sunk so much time and thought into#and seeing them fundamentally misunderstand what you know to be something very articulate and meaningful in its own right#it's like seeing people say TFGraves had no hints of romantic themes or that they were Just Friends#when you Know tf basically killed himself after seeing all his friends die and being unable to save graves#when you Know graves was metaphorically tripping over his own feet giggling at annoying TF#feeling butterflies when TF expresses concern for him#you know those two are Devoted to each other and then people insist graves has the hots for vayne. like what? huh??#obvs that one is rooted in homophobia but the like complete misalignment of what you perceive to be reality and what they perceive it to be#i feel like im going insane and it doesnt help when arcane fans respond to crit or disagreements with 'you just don't get it.'#'it's show don't tell.' bro theyre not showing us anything#ugh im gonna stop now i just needed to let this out#im trying to focus on the positives bec i do think singed is being done Very well#but like he's the only positive and thats Not Great
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genuinely it’s this kinda shit that makes me seriously question my existence as a film major, specifically one focused on screenwriting for television. like it’s such a disgustingly hostile environment for any creators and just seems like an industry that gets progressively harder and more painful to participate in. why am I even doing this if whatever I may end up putting my time and effort and soul into will probably end up spat on and tossed out (if it even miraculously gets picked up by one of the handful of big malicious streaming entities that control what is and isn’t produced and seen in the first place). it’s either 1) don’t make any money and be doomed to have a second job forever, or 2) be subject to the torment and humiliation of the streaming service empire for eternity. that’s the state of show creation right now and it actually makes me sick and I just hope one day soon everyone gets tired enough of this status quo to shift the norm of how shows get produced back to a state where shows don’t require the permission of streaming services and other big corporate entities to exist and continue existing. that’s the only thing that’d make me feel like I have a real future in my own field.
#rambling#dead boy detectives#I feel much worse than I did when I first heard the announcement now that the doom and dread is really setting in#like it’s Doomed doomed. getting any kind of renewal through another company seems like it’d take a miracle#actually yeah no it would. it would take a miracle. I know it’s not happening#so yeah#seeing how resigned the cast/crew are to the show’s death I think really just. broke me#like they’re not trying to save it nor is there any implication such a thing is possible. they’re resigned to it and that means. to me.#it’s dead. stone cold#sorry for being depressing I guess but. yeah all odds are saying it’s dead and it’s gonna stay dead#best we’re gonna get is a cameo in the sandman s2. which frankly doesn’t mean much to me because it’s the continuation/resolution of the#story that matters the most and that’s not gonna happen no matter what#and don’t tell me ‘at least we could get the s2 script!’ frankly that might just make me feel worse#seeing what we could’ve/shoudlve had#how is that supposed to Not hurt?#anyway. im at work I need to stop
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gotta figure out how to draw him
#a date with death#also my computer lost its god dang mind trying to save the second doodle#so uh#im gonna just go to bed now
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stumbles in here covered in dirt and blood. do you have more writing bits i love your writing. heart emoji
ues
#im gonna be so fr right now this fully might be shit i .dont thjnk i can write henrik to save my life#i did wanna try because it would be such an interesting dynamic i just. cannot tell if i like this or not#and of course tumblr is also fucking up the format im trying to put these Pictures in because these are not one flowing part !!!!#the first two are together and the last one is later in the draft but oh well it will never be posted probably.#i will be normal and move on with my life
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