#so im coming back to tumblr to get away
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Soundwave has been...busy, but he is still around. The Nemesis has been.....quiet.
#status report#ic post#theres been drama on the discord server im on and im done walking on eggshells for this person#my last straw is them throwing a fit and acting like their art is what makes people not want to interact#really its the way they make vague call out posts for every person that unfollows or blocks and its toxic af#so im coming back to tumblr to get away
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OOH YEAH BABY ITS THE SURGERY EPISODE BABY!!! ME AND THE HOMIES NEED SOME NEW FACES FOR OUR NEW PLAN, AND WHO BETTER TO GET THE JOB DONE THAN THE TWO MOST EVIL PEOPLE WE'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING OUR LIVES VIOLATED BY? I MEAN IT WOULD BE FUNNY. IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw blood#cw gore#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#vex waylin#viv waylin#MY FAVORIT EP!! HAVNT SEEN IT IN FOREVER THO BC WELL. IM BUSY. SO BEAR W ME IM RUNNIN OFF ALOTTA MEMORY FUMES#ALSO EDIT BC FUUUCK I HADMORE TAGS BUT TUMBLR FUCKEN ATE EM. OH WELL. MY DMS R OPEN IF U WANNA UNLOCK RAMBLES.#I LOVE THE WAYLIN TWINS SSSOO FUCKING MUCH IM SO!!! CURIOUS ABOUT THEM!!! WHO WERE THEY WHEN THEY WERE HUMAN? HOW LONGVE THEY BEEN ARND?#I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY ITS LIKE THESE TWO WERE MADE FOR MMEE BC YES!! YES!! ITS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT FROMA CHARACTER!!!#I LOVE THEIR RED WHITE N BLACK COLOR SCHEME. I LOVE HOW THEYRE BOTH SO INTELLIGENT AND GENIUS N YET THEYRE DUMB AS FUUUUCK#COOOMICAL SUPER VILLAINS. OOH ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME SHAMIA SHAMAI!!! HOW DARE YOU FOIL MY PLAN!! MY PLANS OF MUTILATING AWAKE N ALIVE PPL#COMICAL AND YET. GENUINELY HORRIFYING. VIV CAN MAKE UR BONES EXPLODE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. VEX CAN BECOME SOUP#WHY DONT WE TALK ABOUT THAT MORE? THE TURNING INTO RED MEAT SLIME?? METAL AS FUUUCK. I ALSO LOVE HOW SCARED THEY GOT SO QUICKLY#THIS LIL FUCKEN RRRRRAT COMES IN. AND WELL. HES JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS. WE FUCK HIM UP N TOSS HIM INTO THE SUN N LET HIM BURN#SURE HE HAD ONE MORE TRICK OF REBELLION UP HIS SLEEVE BUT THE SUN HAS TAKEN HIM NOW. ITS FINE. WE'RE FINE. HEY IS THERE SMTH IN THE CEILING#OHHH WE KILLED HIM ONCE N HE CAME BACK. WE KILLED HIM AGAIN N TOOK HIM APART BUT THEN HES BACK?? HE GETS AWAY AND THEN. COMES BACK. AGAIN.#WE CANT GET RID OF HIM. THAT FOUL SHAMIA SHAMAI. A MOUSE IN OUR KITCHEN. FUUUUCK HES GONNA SPREAD DISEASE! KILL IT! KILL IT!! AAAUUGH FUCK!#I LOVE THAT THE WAYLIN TWINS AGREED TO HELP THE BLONDE TWINS MOSTLY ON THE BASIS OF 'IT WOULD BE FUNNY' BUT ALSO#OOHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE TO REACHING SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NNEEVER FUCK WITH US AGAIN. HIS ILLUSIONS WILL HAUNT US NO LONGER#THEY WERE SSSOOO PARANOID W ALL THE CAMERAS AND BOMBING THEIR OWN LAB AND RUNNING AND RUNNING AND GETTING AWWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN! MOUSE!!!!#OHHHH I THINK IM RUNNIN OUTA ROOM so ill talk about da art real quick.BEEN WORKIN ON THIS FOR A WHIIILE.ALOTTA THESE were started when the#ep came out.so OLD!! BUT DONE!!and im very very happy w my colors n gore n EXPRESSIONS!! the top right corner comic keeps making me chuckle#I ALSO rly love the lil convo between arthur n viv.theyre SO CUTE TOGETHERR they should go ona museum date together or somethin#they need more time to just talk abt da World together.ALSO CAN I BE PETTY.I MADE ARTHUR UGLY CORRECT-STYLE#THESE BOYS KNOW NOTHING OF UGLY.I MADE THE VAMPIRIC FLESH EVOLVE N ROT N BLOSSOM AND THERE IS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE TENEBRAE#UHHH IEAH THIS GUY W A ROTTED N DISTORTED FACE WALKS INTO MY BIKE STORE IEAH IM SCREAAAMIN LIKE WADDA HELL!! MONSTOR!!!
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trying to move more of my activity to my bluesky, for anyone that wants to see more of my other stuff i post occasionaly, like costume/fursuit wips and some drawings that dont make it to tumblr (and some yapping)
#tbh honestly to be honest - the more follows i get there the more likely i will use it. i havent been using bsky because nobody was there#now more people are coming so im trying to build it up a bit more. its a shame to just throw away my twit so i will keep that acc too#i will either lock it or just keep it as is as an archive unless it magically gets better (least likely)#this tumblr is more of everything while my twit/bsky are more furry adjacent if anything so#if thats not your thing then carry on 🫡#it still feels quite empty and not as homey as my twit was because of the fandoms and circles. it really broke apart#i gotta follow more ppl too and interact more to get it back a little bit....
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tori sitting on the stairs is so. the lighting in heartstopper is awesome big fan of the blue/orange. is tori also depressed in the show i still think it would be so fucking funny to offhandedly mention her school burning down
#whisp whispers#charlie is the focus here yeah but if micheal gets introduced it does mean that solitaire is relevant#meaning 'toris school got set on fire bc some guy was that obsessed with her' and 'tori tried to kill herself' is like. possibly canon#and i think it's SO funny that there is a very large chance that all that Happened and just isn't being acknowledged#noooo charlie don't kill yourself ur so awesome&cool haha.... uh. oh hi tori. you can like. die i guess idk. not gonna stop you#like it really is just brushed past entirely in the comics. which is sad but also extremely funny like. conceptually. my older sister#almost killed herself in a state of mania. oh well. she has a boyfriend now though so that's cool!!!#<-well. depression i guess. some mixed of sleep deprivation mania and also just normal depression. she's awesome#i hope the ferris wheel coming out scene gets adapted. please please please please please. please. if that scene gets changed#because isaac came out first i'm going to .do nothing probably. but mann. man. tori spring 'im asexual' scene please. please. please.....#these tags are not relevant to the post anymore really. sorry for heartstopper posting my irl i usually talk abt oseman to hasnt seen it yet#um. circling back to my original point. if her depression is canon how do you think she feels sitting there knowing she can't get help#bc the resources need to go to her brother and she can't draw attention away from him. tori's tumblr makes an appearance also that was#scary. what do you mean tumblr is on tv in the year of our lord 2024. hello? .anyways brought it up because#'anon asked: who's ur best friend? / probably my brother. sad.'#man. she's so awesome. me if i was cool and british and a girl and had a brother and also if my school burnt down
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am i autistic or am i just paranoid. level: impossible
#seeing a friend of mine for the first time in 2 years but it was at a 9hr work training and i barely talked to him the whole time#so i text our gc multiple times bc im excited#but everyones drained from the day#so am i being a good loving kind person or am i being annoying as hell#my brain says the first one and my gut says the second#i also might have a big fat crush on this man (he is unfairly attractive and kind and funny and TALL)#so i may be overreacting bc of that#i just missed him and now my big fat crush on him is bigger and fatter than ever#at the end of our first summer he hugged me tight and told me he loved me (platonically)#then he asked if i was coming back and i said yes without any hesitation#and then he didnt come back#so ive been going on 2 years of stewing in this fucking crush soup and now im just#tumblr is the only place where i can talk abt this no one important in my life can know this#no one#i just really like him#and i wanna be around him all the time#and i wanna sit with him and talk to him and laugh with him#and help him with stuff#and i have not had an actual crush on someone since my sophomore and junior year of high school#which was 4 and 5 years ago at this point#this guy also kept staring at me from across the room and everytime i would glace in his direction he would look away#and every time i would get a glimpse of him at training i could physically feel the butterflies#hell#every time i even thought about the fact that we were in the same general area i would get butterflies#this never happens to me and its such a weird feeling#would you be so kind by dodie is the anthem of the hour rn#and i know there's a huge part of me that thinks i am unlovable bc of how i look#and ive never had anyone love me or even like me enough to initiate any kind of anything#ive been on one date in my life#never been kissed never had sex
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GUYS IM SO SORRY PLEASE TWT IS SCARING ME AGAIN
#mari shitposts#IM MAKING A RETURN !!#live laugh love tumblr#i CANNOT deal w twt anymore#everyone that ive met so far has been so nice to me but i just cant deal w all the negativity from the app#its like no matter how far you try and get away it just comes straight back at you#sigh
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹
here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰
#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL#because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan#i lost all my feelings and thoughts#i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head#i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot#in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year#and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level#but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️#from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far#that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more#after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me#and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all#but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha#i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day#i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/#even from my comfort people and activities#that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal#so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically#it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha#anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️#soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now#but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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yall i feel bad. BAD bad. i dont know why
#idk why im telling tumblr this#these people have been setting me off more than usual#everything feels More. too much. everything they say makes me want to scream#ive been thinking about my family. i miss them all so much#i cant get a job and i want my dad#i feel like a failure. i feel like im trapped in a cage.#i get in my car and drive into a town i hate to get a drink and make myself feel better for a moment#then i come back here. to hell#to my own personal purgatory#it feels like ive been living every moment in waking dread#my anxiety hasnt gone away its just shifted. im not scared for myself anymore#my paranoia used to be so self centered#now i check my phone sick to my stomach hoping my friends are okay. hoping theyre safe.#my mind never stops moving and never stops imagining horrific things#im so tired. im so tired.#vent tw
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#don't know if it's like#that time of the month making these feelings more intense and i say this a LOT but damn i rly do feel my time on sm coming to an end#like i feel like being on here long term is holding me back in a way#but at the same time the reason i've been so afraid to take that leap is because idk what a world where i'm fully away from it (by that#i mean like no tumblr no ig no reddit no NOTHING just being completely alone w/ my thoughts and feelings and learning how to enjoy that)#and like ok isolating myself is Very Bad for my mental health i fully get that and its why ive been like afraid to leave completely#but then again why bother staying in a place w/ a history where the bad often outweighs the good for me#esp when i've chosen solace in some ppl who uh were#not the best ppl to look for that solace when you're Going Thru It#idek it's left me thinking abt the past too much when i SHOULD be in the present#anyway i'll stop w/ the rambles i just want to be offline in the way idk bill hader is offline gshdifhgtuioweiruty#be quiet drea#tbd bc im just venting in tags lmao
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i’m actually tired of being pissed off at fandom stuff like i swear im not trying to be annoying on purpose but unfortunately i kinda spent most of my formative years on tumblr, in this fandom, and to see this kind of stuff still so prevalent is disheartening and it sucks i genuinely wish i didn’t care
#im going to continue being pissed off because fandom spaces are unfortunately a microcosm of society and#white supremacist ideals are pervasive and actually form the fabric of a lot of what we consider to be good and true and moral and ethical#sry to the white people who hate being reminded white people make it so hard for things to improve but why pretend that isn’t the truth#anyway when you can step away from fandom and not be affected by any of this then you know you’re privileged#and if that’s the case then maybe you should be listening to those people who are affected#because for a lot of people this isn’t just about a character#it’s not just about racist tropes#it all goes beyond that#some of us can come on tumblr and write 100 posts defending poc characters. but still get to step away and not be affected#you can make all the posts about how kira deserved better and how much we love her etc etc. but understand that the#issues of asian representation in media are very real and still very much prevalent. some people can’t separate fandom issues from their#realities. because these issues are real. and they affect real people.#anyway god i hate myself for this why am i saying all this idk i hate that i care#lemme go back to blogging stupid shit for fun skdjjd
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Been trying to find a funny and less humiliating way to say I fell down the stairs with a mug of hot water like I'm charlie chaplin playing a 90 yr old retiree yesterday but there really isn't one lmfao
#like picture it in ur head .. me spilling hot water all over myself as i tumble down the steps and come to a stop at the bottom sopping wet#theres this slick worn away carpeting that gas almost done me in MANY times for this so i should have seen it coming we gotta get some#grippy tread things this is prob gonna happen again#anyway i am so fucking sore i am tender in so many spots and the worst ones are my back and ass cheek where i landed#for suuure aggaravated my back injury lol#and i cant sit comfortably at all rn which sucks bc i work at my desk full time 😭#my roommate heard me tumblr down the stairs and thought i just dropped something bc all i said was 'ah fuck' when i got to the bottom lol#also for how much pain im in i have not a single bruise to show for it which irritates me#at the very least i deserve some cool bruises this is fucked up this is homophobic#personal stuff#anyway dont wear slides if u have shitty worn away landlord special carpet on ur incredibly steep stairs#sorry theres so many misspellings in the tags my fingers hit the wrong buttons and i dont care
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If I see g*nshin imp*ct shit outside of my like, two mutuals I allow through my filters so I can keep up with Ateru, I am reporting it as spam.
#rem rambles#i tag very fucking thoroughly. and tumblr is typically not my issue.#what is are these fucking videos that are ads.#killing and biting you. i am smearing your face on the pavement.#i do not care for your game or the petty ass drama that comes with it. go away.#this is my autistic boyfriend's special intrest. i am oversaturated enough just from him telling me about the new waifu of the week.#sorry if you like gensh*n *mpact. get well soon frfr.#don't take my hate personally. i mean you should have higher standards for yourself but we all have moral lapses. no ones perfect etc. etc#I'm just very pissed that i had to watch ONE (1) video from him to understand a new fucking waifu and now YouTube thinks im a teenager with#mommy's credit card to buy primogems so i can use one of the characters that are TOTALLY not the same thing copy paste. woth the price.#'wowwie this OTHER white man in his late 20's also spent 300$ and never got the Banner eith their pity? oh they just like me for real.'#'im gonna watch EVEN MORE white men in their late 20's pull the slot machine. god i wish my daddy would let me use his credit card again.'#'cant he see how much i NEED the loli zombie on my team! my parents dont understand me like these streamers and youtubers do.😒'#all of you are being flagged as inappropriate content. i am shooting you in the back of the head like you deserve. get out of my feed.
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:O
#aaaaaaaahhh i missed sm on tumblr i just quickly checked some blogs and it made me sad and happy at the same time#but i rly gotta focus on studying for my exams ugh. even tho i was away on the weekend w some of my friends lol. it was so fun#i haven't had sleepovers w friends since i went to highschool which is over a decade ago#it was so good and fun even tho i didn't get a lot of sleep. but i caught up on sleep on the days since and yesterday and today ive been#feeling p energized c: today i. registered? or maybe declared is a more fitting word. that i wanna change my name and gender marker#and now i have to wait until the end of the year to actually change them. but it's in motion!#i also made an appointment for a chest ultrasound so now i just need a psychiatrist to be able to get top surgery w the surgeon i picked#i recently had a job interview for a student job as a mentor! it won't pay a lot but a bit money is more than nothing#and i enjoy being a mentor so i hope ill get the job. haven't heard back yet#also i found out that all the fellow students that i have become friends w are queer. i am friends w almost all my fellow students that#are queer except w one person. it's funny bc when we all started becoming friends we didn't know that the others were queer.#well i outed myself in front of professors and the class multiple times bc I didn't pass back then so it was obvious that im queer#but i didn't know abt the others. we all just gravitated to each other which is nice. one of them isn't even out to family or friends#at home and another one told me I'm the first person they've come out to so i feel p honored that we can be open and ourselves w each other#we watched so many queer movies and shows on the weekend i loved it#i never would've thought i'd come this far. look at me being mostly mental-illness-free medically transitioning and having a social life#being more comfortable w myself than ever#now i just gotta get a nice degree and a well paying fun job (i've had a shitty fun job before) and tackle all those medical issues i have#like exhaustion. but one step at at a time. i truly feel so good rn!! :D hope you guys are doing good as well#personal log stardate
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I really want to find some way to fix the problem but that desire is my compulsion (?) and it never actually fixes the problem. I tell myself to drop it and focus on other things like my art, but I just wish I could fix it now. The only way I can fix it is through ignoring it. And that will take time. (but also it feels unsafe to ignore it, because i feel like it is a real issue even though its probably not a real issue).
#i need to see a therapist again instead of mental health posting to tumblr#but as ive said therapists frustrate me because they just act like i only have an anxiety disorder and ignore bigger issues i bring up#like if i bring up being confused about reality or stuck on a topic or tense because of the past... they seem uncomfortable with it.#and then i also have to find a therapist who is experienced in lgbt people because otherwise theyll waste time asking me about my gender#when i dont need to talk about my gender because thats not a mental health issue.#and its just hard to talk face to face about what the ocd is actually about#and im scared that a therapist will see the healthy non ocd parts of my fixation as wrong and try to make it go away.#i guess its just that#therapists are either too old so they wont understand/accept me#or theyre too young so they just dont know how to handle bigger mental health issues yet.#and none of this even matters im fine and enjoy my life but i just cant get the topic out of my head right now#my entire existance is consumed by this topic and i cannot trust myself or like myself because of the topic.#i want to fix it.#i need to ignore it to fix it.#but i want to fix it now.#but i cant.#and it always comes back. i cant be myself because of the topic. it always comes back.#i want it to be fixed.#and what if it is a real concern? what if i cant be trusted?#idk
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