#loss that’s so much harder and insecure to come back from in comparison to like other loss I’ve gone through ykno

[melk-maid]

Sorry for never responding to messages or responding so inconsistently, im sorry for hardly being around, im sorry for being fucking weird and sporadic and unsure in everything I do lmao im not sure what specifically my problem is besides fear and paranoia but im trying to work through it because I haven’t felt like a normal person for months

[002yb]

jaybin who acts tough and snarky most times but secretly insecure because since nightwing is unofficially the Most Desired Bachelor among superheroes there are times he feels like dick can always do better than him :c

Premise: Dick and Jason being close during Jason's time as Robin. Batman and Nightwing having joint custody of Jaybin.

Oh, this boy would have so many mixed feelings. On the one hand he would be so incredibly proud. Downright smug, even. That Dick is so well received and revered in the hero community would just give Jason so much joy.

Because he's been there for Dick's lows; his trials and tribulations, the disappointments, the failures, the losses. Jason was also there to see Dick's persistence in coming back from every setback - that resolve and fortitude, the discipline and diligence and passion. Sacrifices made and experience painstakingly earned.

Dick is highly capable. He has a work ethic that speaks of drive and ambition; an ability to lead bolstered by a natural inclination to take responsibility, to be accountable; to take care of others. Trustworthy. Steady. More than anything though, Dick is good.

For such incredible, amazing heroes to recognize those inherent qualities in Dick - the ones Jason loves so much - of course he would be happy. This is a community Dick thrives in and fits with; that they see him for who he is (how Jason sees him); it's wonderful.

And Jason knows, he knows, that Dick isn't perfect. Jason has seen it for himself what a damn nightmare Dick can be. Dick gets lost in his own head - trapped - when he gets overwhelmed. He withdraws from the people who care for him, who can help him because he refuses to bleed on anyone. He's a stubborn ass. Passionate to the point of cruelty, sometimes - capable of getting so focused he loses sight of the important things.

But he tries. He tries. More and more, harder and harder. Unrelenting, unapologetic; damn near compulsive until he gets it right.

Dick has fucked up a lot. It's why he does so well now - he learns and puts into practice and does better.

So on the one hand, of course Jason is happy that Dick is respected in a community of respectable people. These heroes - they're Dick's equals. Equally as hardworking, equally as kind - just as good, though Jason would argue not nearly as warm or wild or wonderful.

On the other hand - and Jason comes to this realization slowly - Jaybin doesn't measure up. Sure, he stands alongside Bruce/Batman at these meetings of heroes. He stays with Dick at times, too. The more he's exposed to the community though, the more he realizes that he doesn't fit. He doesn't measure up. He's not good enough.

Insecurity follows Jason like a shadow; it drapes over him like a shroud. Only it would have been a long time since he's felt it so viscerally. Because being Robin - being with Batman and Nightwing (Bruce and Dick)...they bolstered him. His life with them would have become a comfortable thing; he would have been so confident with them in their own little safe (metaphorically) space of Gotham and Bludhaven.

So Jason would psyche himself out with too many unfair comparisons. And he'd unwittingly pull away because of it - a little less quippy, a little more snappy. Less playful orneriness and more prickly anger. Because Jason might always be easily spooked and more easily threatened; defensive and combative because of it.

And obviously Dick is aware that something is wrong, but Jason isn't exactly forthcoming with his vulnerabilities. So he reaches out however he can (and it's good when it's just them - at least until it's not. At least until Jason starts pushing Dick towards their colleagues and hiding himself away, nearly beneath Batman's cape for how close he keeps to him). And just. Dick not being able to fathom Jason being insecure around all the other heroes because Jason is something of a hero to him.

Excerpt from here:

...Jason is a punkass on a good day and a brat on the others; he’s abrasive and difficult and frustrating, but Jason is sweet.  Jason is painfully kind-hearted.  The compassion he has for people, the lengths he’ll go for them; that selfless devotion and depthless empathy is wonderful and terrifying and beautiful.  Jason is sensitive–so damn fucking sensitive, a weakness made into a strength like Dick has never seen.  And Jason is brave, braver than anyone Dick has ever met before. Brave for seeing Robin as something wonderful.  Brave for seeing Dick as something worth anything at all. Jason’s resilience is inspiring.  The way he gets up after getting knocked down; the way he falls and crashes and burns and walks it the fuck off.  The strength in that, the emotional strength to carry that weight and the burdens of someone like Dick–undeserving and cruel and ugly–fuck.  Jason is, Jason is… The world has hurt him.  People have hurt him.  Dick hurt him.  And yet Jason is still so breathtakingly vulnerable; more gentle and kind and strong and caring than anyone Dick has ever known.

Basically, Dick feels as highly of Jason as Jason does of Dick. So even when his friends - Roy, let's say - points out to him that Jason is probably overwhelmed and insecure, Dick is bemused because what?? About what? Because Jaybin, Jason, is magic - far as Dick is concerned. Who the fuck made him insecure?

And Roy, because Roy has gone through it, too (he loves Dick, but Dick is a lot to measure up to), just gives a weak laugh because oh, Grayson. Buddy. It's Dick. It's everyone towards Dick. Dick is kind of the ideal, doesn't he know? A good hero to be; a top hero to get dicked down by. Dick knows how it is.

Meanwhile Dick is just like - no. Very much no, what? Because he's only got eyes on Jason, honestly. Whether or not they're a thing. Their hero community is a professional place. The only dubious going-on is the thing Dick has going with potential jailbait situation Jaybin.

Anyway, while Dick and Roy are having that heart to heart, just like. Wally being the one to seek out Jason on Dick's behalf (because Dick has been fretting and lbr Dick's being too slow in checking in on his protege/brother/boyfriend), so. He'll help his friend out.

And omgggggg Jason not liking it one bit. So he bails on Wally constantly until it becomes a game of hide and seek, basically. With Jason getting more and more creative with his hiding places, but Wally is just faster.

He tires Jason out. They have a heart to heart. Wally doesn't necessarily find it funny that Jason is so distressed, but he does get a bit of a kick out of the situation because Dick is the same. With thinking he's not good enough (for what he has, for what he's worked for, for Jason).

And Wally doesn't divulge all of Dick's secrets, but he'd provide some assurance because this is Dick's boy. And because Wally is Wally.

Then Dick and Jason would finally communicate. Only while Jason is getting mad at Dick for not understanding that Dick can do so much better, Dick is just sat there marveling Jason even as Jason tears them both apart. It'd spur Jason on more to be looked over with such tenderness; he'd snap at Dick to listen.

Only Dick would break him down with the most earnest: 'You're too good to me. For me.'

After which Dick would throw down the counter-argument of a lifetime because for all the heroes here, Dick only has one.

(Two, he corrects himself later. Because Superman, lol).

======

Situations where Jason feels insecure over anything are so sad ahhhhhhhh. ;A; Also this sort of a little niche, hopefully it's enjoyable enough though! Thank you for the scenario, anon!!

[linkspooky]

Why are you into Bakugo/Uraraka ? Just curious =)

Bakugo and Uraraka... I ship them as character foils. They are at odds with one another, almost complete opposites, but internally they are similiar. They are both incredibly sensitive people, to the point where Uraraka someone who barely knows Bakugo, and doesn’t even seem to like him that much has a better read than his literal childhood friend whose known him his entire life and most of the other friends he surrounds himself with. Bakugo and Uraraka oppose each other, but they also understand each other better than others understand them. It’s a relationship and a character conflict both could learn something for. 

1. Sensitive Guy and Tough Girl

Outwardly, Bakugo is always project strength and self confidence but inside he almost never feels that way at all. He is constantly worried about being unable to back up his words, never being as good as he thinks he is. Bakugo is an insensitive brat who only thinks of himself, and yet at the same time he’s extremely oversensitive and crumbles easily. 

Bakugo’s ego is towering, but it’s also built on a foudnation of sand. One little loss is all it takes to uproot everything. In other words he’s strong but he’s not tough. All Might ready him best, all of the strength that Bakugo projects is just to protect his own fragility. 

Bakugo’s fragility is just that, a fear that everything is going to break for him. Tha the’s not as good as he thinks he is. That he’ll never be as good as he thinks he is. He burdens himself overwhelmingly with the expectation that he has to be the best at all times, otherwise he hasn’t earned all the praise that is constantly lavished upon him. 

Basically Bakugo was told he was special so many times, that he had the expectation that he was special, but deep down he doesn’t feel special. He has weaknesses and shortcomings just like everyone else, but in Bakugo’s kind he’s not allowed to have them. He’s not even allowed to ever be weak. Any small loss, any sign of weakness, and everything he said about himself was all a lie. He’s acting like he’s the best while thinking he’s the worst, and that’s why he works harder than anyone else. He thinks if he becomes number one, that will prove something about him to make all the messy doubts go away. Whenever he’s knocked down, he clings to that dream harder and harder. Basically, he’s dealing very poorly with the world’s worst case of imposter’s syndrome. 

Bakugo seems strong, but he’s actually someone quite fragile. Uraraka seems weak and insecure, but she’s actually quite tough. That’s literally the first thing Bakugo recognizes about her when he fights her. 

Bakugo is a boy who’s fragile, Uraraka is a girl who isn’t fragile at all. Rather than aiming for the top, Uraraka is someone who pays attention to the needs of the others around her and tries to take care of them. She’s someone who does her best with what she has. She doesn’t try to stand out like Bakugo, and Deku, but is more emotionally intelligent than the both of them by far. Uraraka weathers loss after loss but doesn’t let them break her the way Bakugo crashes and burns. 

What Bakugo could learn from Uraraka is that emotional intelligence - Uraraka knows who she is, knows what she wants, and also knows what others want. 

Another thing is, Bakugo needs someone sensitive and attuned to his emotions. Yes, it’s Bakugo’s job to figure that out for himself, but someone like Deku who tries to get close to him without understanding him really only makes him worse. 

Part of the problem with Bakugo and Deku’s friendship which made it go so sour is that while yes Bakugo was a bully there’s no denying that, Deku didn’t understand Bakugo at all. 

Part of the problem was Bakugo was too sensitive and couldn’t deal with being around Deku, and instead of just leaving him alone, he just kept following him and following him. No Deku doesn’t really owe his bully understanding, but his behavior only made the situation worse. Just like Bakugo only looked at Deku and saw his weakness, Deku only looked at Bakugo and saw his strength. He didn’t understand Bakugo’s fragility or any of that. 

It didn’t even cross Deku’s mind, because Deku can be kind of insensitive and dense when it comes to people. Once again the bullying isn’t Deku’s fault, but there’s a part of Deku that’s just not good for Bakugo to be around. 

Uraraka is just able to intuit what Bakugo wants on her own, and at the same time she can probe his ego just a little bit without setting him off the way that others do. In other words she knows how to navigate him, and she’s also completely unafraid to confront him or question his actions. She’s emotionally tough, while Bakugo is emotionally fragile. 

Bakugo’s capable of this deep reasoning and self reflection that Deku really isn’t, and Bakugo is also always hiding another side of himself around others. I’m not saying that Uraraka is going to understand all of his pent up feelings for him. I’m just saying that Uraraka and Bakugo would be good for each other because they’re both like that. 

Bakugo and Uraraka are two people who are almost always putting on a front and hiding another side of themselves. Whenever Uraraka experiences a negative emotion she puts on a smile in front of someone else and suppresses it and puts another peron’s feelings before hers. What I’m suggesting is Bakugo can understand Uraraka’s tendency to do that and how bad it is for her, just as she understands how delicate of a person Bakugo can be. 

2. Main Character and Supporting Character

The biggest difference between Bakugo and Uraraka and what makes them opposites is their priorities. For Bakugo everything he does is centered around himself. However, Uraraka always puts others before herself. 

In a sense. Bakugo sees himself as a main character. He’s the hero of the story. 

Everyone else serves as his backup. Even when he sticks his neck out for other people it’s usually to prove what a great hero he is. Everything is centered around his ambition, his goal of becoming the number one. Bakugo’s egocentrism is because of the reasons I explained above, that he’s caught up in this cycle of never feeling like he lives up to the hype and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to hype himself further. Either way, Bakugo’s narrative is about unlearning this selfishness because while it motivates him it also makes him spiral just as quickly and is generally unhealthy behavior. 

Meanwhile, Uraraka is generally someone who only sees herself as a supporting character in other people’s stories. She only thinks about what she can do for other people, how she can help other people. 

Uraraka is constantly comparing herself to Deku and honestly thinks she’s not as good as he is. She doesn’t have a particularly strong ambition like Bakugo, so she plays the role of the good girl, the helpful heroine. She’s support to everyone else, while nobody really supports her, and she never reveals her true feelings in front of people. 

It’s why Uraraka is just like Bakugo, an extremely emotionally intelligent person, who at the same time seems very clueless in regards to her own feelings. She’s always shoving her feelings aside, and pushing them to the background because they don’t matter. 

Uraraka is someone who desperately needs a little more of that selfishness. Her behavior is not as problematic as Bakugo’s, but it’s still unhealthy behavior. The result of her not prioritizing herself, and her not making her own feelings known is that everyone else kind of just walks all over her. 

Uraraka always, always compares herself to Deku and thinks she can never be as good of a hero. She’s really only using the comparison to belittle herself and beat herself up. She’ll never be as special, never be as selfless, never be as motivated as Deku. 

Uraraka is just as complex as Bakugo in the sense that she’s always hiding her own feelings of unworthiness, and the feeling that she just doesn’t belong where she is. She’s dealing with those feelings on her own that other people are compeltely unaware of. 

What Bakugo needs is someone to knock him down a peg. Someone who isn’t really cowed or impressed by his ego.�� What Uraraka needs is someone to lift her up, someone who sees her as special, because she can’t ever see herself as someone special. 

There’s a connection there. It might never be canon, but there’s still potential because the both of them are two sensitive people who can see in each other things no one else will ever see, and know each other in ways no one else will ever know. 

[holy-honeybees]

Snowdrift

AO3

Rating: T+ (for swearing)

Summary: Three friends and  their dog get lost in a snowstorm while investigating the paranormal. Amidst swirling flurries of white, some lose their way and get lost in their memories, others lose sight of their friends and loved ones, and an unforgiving winter quickly fills in the footprints one would follow to get back home.

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Chapter One

Chapter Nine

It wasn’t long before the trees had closed in behind them as Vivi and Mystery headed deeper into the dark forest. The blue-haired girl trudged forwards relentlessly, ignoring the snow that trickled into her boots, making her socks cold and wet. With the heavy canopy of clouds overhead blocking out the moonlight, the trees melted into the inky black night. The only source of illumination was the flashlight Vivi held, the white snow it reflected off of almost blinding in comparison to their dark surroundings. Normally she would have been thrilled to be exploring spooky woods in the middle of the night, but now, her sense of unease over her missing friend was only compounded by the unsettling atmosphere.

“Arthur!” Vivi called. Her words were quickly snatched away by the wind whistling between the tree trunks. Mystery quietly padded through the snow beside her, vigilantly observing his surroundings. He scented the air frequently for a trace of the missing mechanic, but all they had managed to find was their way deeper into the foreboding woods. She couldn’t believe how much things had changed since yesterday, feeling almost foolish for how they had frolicked and played in the snow which now seemed so menacing.  

“Arthur!” she cried again, hugging her friend’s abandoned hoodie closer to her chest. She could only hope that the howling winds would carry her words to the mechanic rather than further away from him.

“We’ll find him,” Mystery said, but Vivi could see how his ears were pressed back, flat against his head. A clear sign he was worried, despite his assurances.

“I know, I know…” Vivi said, trying to summon her confidence, “But what if we don’t? We have no idea how long he’s been gone. We don’t even know where to look. What if…?”

“It’s not like you to doubt yourself so much,” Mystery replied.

“It’s just…What are we even doing out here?” Vivi said, “We’re only out here because I wanted it to be like before. Before the cave. Back when our friendship was easy, when everything was easy. With road trips and ghost hunts that usually didn’t have any ghosts at the end and Arthur and Lewis were best friends and everything was okay. But it’s not okay.” Mystery regarded her thoughtfully.

“I too wish things could be different,” he replied, “I know our experiences have been very different over the past year, though painful for us both. It’s easy to look back on something to say it was okay then when it isn’t now, regardless of how true that may be.” By the faraway look in his eyes, Vivi knew Mystery wasn’t only thinking of the cave just then. She wondered, not for the first time, just how deep his roots with Shiromori had run.

“Not even I can turn back time,” Mystery continued, “All we can hope to do is to learn from that which haunts us and use it to keep moving forwards. While it won’t bring us back to yesterday, you may find yourself with a new kind of ‘okay’.”

“That’s just it,” Vivi said miserably, “I haven’t learned. I’m supposed to be the leader, but all I ever do is lead everyone into danger. First the cave, now this!”

“Don’t punish yourself for not knowing then what you know now. I have centuries more experience dealing with the supernatural than you do, extrasensory abilities far above your own, and I missed it too. Yet you don’t blame me.”

“No, I don’t,” Vivi agreed softly, “It’s just… Am I selfish? I know Arthur gets scared so easily, yet I’ve been pushing him to go on these ghost hunts for years. He and Lewis are still trying to get used to each other again, but now I’ve dragged them out to the middle of nowhere, just because the memories of what we were are so fresh in my mind and I want it back so bad.”

“I don’t think you’re selfish, no,” Mystery replied evenly, “Bold about what you do and don’t want. Passionate about the things you care about, including your friends. Exuberant in wanting to share what brings you joy with others. But you’re not forcing anyone to do anything or be anywhere they don’t want to be. They love you, Vivi, and Lewis and Arthur would do almost anything for you. They are capable of making their own decisions though. They want to fix this as badly as you do.” Vivi sniffled, blaming her runny nose on the cold and her stinging eyes on the wind that still whipped about.

“I can’t lose them again,” she said, “I just got back our memories together, I just got them back.”

“I know,” Mystery said, “And that’s why we’ll keep searching until we find him.” Vivi nodded vigorously in response, turning away from the kitsune to resume her scan of the surrounding forest.

Despite her earlier protests, Vivi was glad Mystery had accompanied her in the search for Arthur, his familiar presence comforting. She wondered if she would have been as open with her concerns had it been Lewis by her side. She was certain her ghostly friend would be supportive through whatever insecurities she voiced, but Vivi struggled to balance vulnerability and leadership. Sometimes it felt as if everybody expected her to be happy all the time. She was thankful that, frequently, she was, but sometimes it felt like she wasn’t allowed to not be okay. As if she had to carry on like nothing was wrong and be the same bold, brave, bubbly Vivi she always was. How could she be anything but when someone else needed her to be strong? Mystery was always there for her though, even when she couldn’t muster up her usual smile. Despite her outgoing nature, she had at times struggled to fit in and make friends, considered to be too strange or unusual. But Mystery would be at her side, ready to comfort her, whenever she felt sad or lonely. He was a great listener, even before she knew he could talk. She remembered hours spent quietly confessing her worries to her pet dog late at night, running her hand through Mystery’s fur as she talked, curled up on the couch with a mug of hot tea and B-rated horror movies playing in the background. Vivi shook her head, willing her focus to return to the task at hand. The harder she tried to pull herself out of her recollections though, the further she found herself sinking into them. She was back in her childhood home, curled up cozy and warm on the old couch in the living room, rain hammering on the windows as thunder rumbled in the distance. She hugged Mystery tight as she described her latest encounter with the mean girls at school, the static of the falling snow in the forest and the TV screen blending together.

---

“I know, and that’s why we’ll keep searching until we find him,” Mystery said as he continued to pad through the snow. He wished he could take more time to reassure Vivi. It was rare for her to be so plagued by self-doubt, but he too was worried for the mechanic. He hadn’t told the others, not wanting to frighten them further, but Arthur’s scent had already begun to fade by the time they had discovered him missing. Mystery couldn’t be certain how long the mechanic had been gone, but with the frigid temperatures, any amount of time could already be too long. I was so sure they were safe this time, he thought, I was so sure I would keep them safe.He wondered at what point he had come to care for humans so much. As a young fox kit, he held little appreciation for humanity and their short lives. Meeting Mushi and being bound to the service of the Yukino family had done nothing to change his mind at first, but over time, he’d gone from reluctant guardian to best friend of an excitable, blue-haired little girl. Mystery refocused his attention on his surroundings, straining all his senses for a sign the mechanic had passed this way. While the tree branches hung low with their heavy burden of snow, the kitsune had yet to see any that had been broken or left askew to indicate someone had passed this way before them. His sense of smell was overwhelmed by the color white, and Mystery had little hope of being able to detect the mechanic that way. Even Vivi’s presence, less than ten feet away, was clouded by the supernatural snowfall. His ears were pricked, but all he heard was the howling of the winter winds.

Mystery came to an abrupt halt as he realized that he was no longer hearing the crunch of snow under his companion’s boots.

He knew before he even turned around that something was wrong, but seeing the confusion on Vivi’s face confirmed it. Mystery wondered if she was having another memory lapse. While she had regained her memories, occasionally something slipped out of place. Sometimes she remembered things slightly wrong, or there was a blank space where there hadn’t been before. Despite her progress with recovery, Mystery knew it frustrated the blue-haired girl to no end. Still, the lapses were getting less frequent, and the problem usually corrected itself shortly after discovery with some gentle encouragement and prompting from her friends.

Something was different this time. Something was off.

“Mystery, where… Where are we?” Vivi asked, looking around with a puzzled expression. The fox spirit regarded her uneasily.

“Are you having a lapse?” He asked.

“I…yes? No? Maybe, I don’t know. What are we doing out here? How did we get out here?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Me and Arthur are getting together to plan Lewis’s surprise party. He’d be turning 23 this year, and after everything that’s happened, I think we deserve a break.”

Mystery remembered that night. It had been almost two months ago.

This wasn’t just a memory lapse, it was memory loss.

“Vivi, try to remember. Last week, you gathered everyone together to look into a new case—”

“Last week? But Arthur said the repairs to the van might take a month or more after we dealt with that creep with the tarot cards. He couldn’t have fixed the van already.”

“Vivi, it’s December,” Mystery replied. The color drained from the girl’s already pale face.

“No,” Vivi said, vigorously shaking her head, “No way. I can’t be missing that much time!”

“Try to remember. Last week, you met with Arthur and Lewis at the Pepper Paradiso to look into a new case to investigate. You and Arthur ordered milkshakes, and Cayenne spiked his with hot sauce again.” The kitsune told her everything he could about the week leading up to them wandering in the woods, hoping it would trigger her memories to return. He talked about planning and packing for their trip. Arthur seeing something in the road. The almost car crash, the snowball fight, and getting snowed in. Arthur going missing. As Mystery finished his tale, Vivi suddenly doubled over, her face screwed up in pain and her hands clutching her head. The kitsune was by her side in an instant.

“What’s wrong?” Mystery asked, alarmed, “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m okay. I…remembered. Ugh, it feels like brain freeze but worse. Stabbier,” Vivi groaned, massaging her temples, “Mystery, what was that? That didn’t feel like a lapse, not a normal one at least. I didn’t just forget something about the cave or Lewis, that was a couple of months just gone.”

Vivi peeled her head away from her hands, looking up into Mystery’s face, her worried eyes searching his for answers.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“I… I’m not sure,“ Mystery replied honestly.

“It was so strange. One moment I was here in the woods with you, but then the temperature dropped suddenly, and it was like I was transported somewhere else. Back to my childhood home.” Even as she spoke, Vivi had a pensive, faraway look in her eyes, and Mystery feared she would slip away again. The choice he had to make settled like a lead weight in his stomach. Even with the possibility that Arthur could be only ten feet in front of them, he would put Vivi first, as painful as that decision was to make.

“We should return to the van,” Mystery said. Vivi immediately straightened at his words, glaring at the kitsune.

“Absolutely not! Arthur’s still out there, we can’t just leave him!”

“Vivi, something isn’t right, and I don’t know what it is,” Mystery said urgently, “I don’t want to stop searching either, but we can’t help Arthur if we don’t first help ourselves.”

“We don’t have time! He could be in danger right now, or hurt, or—!” Vivi cut off abruptly with a violent shiver, curling in on herself tightly with a gasp. As Mystery watched, a thin, silvery wisp escaped from the girl’s mouth, disappearing into the night. When Vivi lifted her head again, the kitsune saw that the furious expression she’d had on her face just moments ago had gone curiously blank.

“What…?” The blue-haired girl mumbled. She looked around at her surroundings as if seeing them for the first time.

“Vivi?” Mystery said, padding forwards cautiously. The girl’s eyes snapped to his as soon as she heard his voice, the beam of the flashlight moving to shine on him like a spotlight. Vivi gave a yelp of surprise when she saw the kitsune. Stumbling backwards, she tripped over the thickly piled snow and landed on her rear. She continued to scramble further away until her back was pressed against a tree, refusing to take her eyes off the large fox spirit before her.

“What… What are you?” She asked, her shock tempered by curiosity. The kitsune was frozen in his tracks, too stunned to answer. He’d always dreaded this moment. Worried that the humans he had come to love so dearly would turn away from him if they found out the truth, feeling frightened or betrayed. In some ways, the events of last year had been a blessing. The frantic situation between Shiromori and his own possession had left little time for hurt feelings to surface over his secret, and the joy of having survived and reunited had swiftly washed away the worst misgivings. At the time, Vivi had quickly accepted him for what he was and just as quickly moved on, more focused on his immediate well-being than long-held secrets. He wondered if she would be so blithely accepting this time. Mystery was so preoccupied with his thoughts, he missed the look of recognition that had settled on Vivi’s face.

“…Mystery?”

---

“What…” Vivi said breathlessly, “What are you?”

The large white beast stopped advancing toward her. Had she been standing instead of sitting in the snow—when on Earth had it even begun to snow?—her head would have been at shoulder-height on the wolflike creature. Condensation billowed out of its muzzle, and she could just see the razor-sharp teeth peeking out of its mouth. Its coat was plush in appearance, with a mane of red and black fur erupting from the creature’s head. On second thought, she decided it was more foxlike in appearance, with a narrow snout and long, fluffy tails. Tails? Kitsune, then, her mind helpfully supplied, drawing on the knowledge her granny had imparted with her stories about fox spirits. Despite the creature’s size and what she could see of its fearsome set of fangs, the kitsune standing before her wasn’t all that scary. It seemed almost sad somehow. The fox spirit’s ears were drooping, and his tails hung limp, swaying in the wind. Even his brow was pinched, giving him a worried expression that looked almost human. Vivi continued to scan the creature before her with her flashlight, pausing for a moment when the beam of light glinted off of a familiar golden tag adorned with a question mark.

“…Mystery?” She recovered from her shock quickly, and Vivi couldn’t help the grin that began to spread across her face.

“I knew it! I knew you weren’t just a normal dog. I knew you were special!” She gushed, “You’re a kitsune, right? What am I saying, of course you’re a kitsune! Just look at all your tails!”

“Vivi—”

“And you can talk! This is incredible!” Vivi struggled to stand up from the deep snowbank she’d fallen into, eager to get a closer look at her kitsune companion. She must have seriously spaced out to not realize how nasty the weather had gotten or how late it was. She always had been a little scatter-brained, but the news of her father’s new job and their impending move to Tempest or Cadence or whatever this new town was called had her even more distracted than usual.

“What else can you do? You have to tell me everything!” the blue-haired girl continued as she approached this larger, fluffier version of Mystery, “Well, maybe once we’re out of the cold. It’s freezing out here! Where are we anyways?”

“Vivi, you have to remember.”

“Remember? Remember what?” She was only half-paying attention, instead eyeing Mystery’s fur, eager to know if it was as soft as it looked. She paused when she saw a large scar on his side. It was almost completely obscured by his thick fur, but she was certain it hadn’t been there before. Maybe it only appears when he takes this form, she pondered with a small frown.

“We’re in Nebraska right now, on a ghost hunt. Lewis was driving the van when—”

“Nebraska? Ghost hunt?” Vivi repeated, bewildered, “What are you talking about? Who’s Lewis?” She was so confused. None of this was familiar or made any sense, yet Mystery looked stricken by her response.

“Look down at your arms,” Mystery responded, looking at Vivi hopefully as he padded closer to her, “That hoodie, do you recognize it?”

“What hoodie? Oh!” Glancing down, Vivi saw she was clutching tightly to an orange hoodie. She hadn’t even noticed she was holding it. She examined the soft fabric and its yellow star pattern carefully.

“The only person I know who would wear a color this bright is mom, but I don’t remember ever seeing her wear this,” Vivi replied. A heavy pulse had begun in her head, and Mystery’s intense, worried gaze was starting to frighten her.

“Vivi, you have to try to remember.”

“But I don’t know what I’m supposed to be remembering!” She cried.

Mystery bowed his head so he could look her in the eye. Then, in a voice she could only just hear above the sound of the wind, he began to speak. The kitsune’s voice settled into a steady rumble, the sound washing over her, as he recounted the last few years of Vivi’s life. Years she thought she had not yet lived. The kitsune spoke of a little town in Texas called Tempo, and the life Vivi had made for herself there. Everything Mystery said felt unfamiliar, like he was talking about someone else entirely. With every word, the pressure in her head built up more and more until it was almost unbearable. Her hands clutched at her temples, as if that would keep her skull from splitting apart. She wanted to tell Mystery to stop, but she couldn’t keep from grinding her teeth in order to do so. Vivi felt as if her head might burst at any moment. Still, the kitsune continued to murmur to her, his voice low and melodious, though it had taken on a frantic edge. He talked about the friends she had made, Arthur and Lewis, and how she had started her own paranormal investigation group with them, the Mystery Skulls. The kitsune spoke of the adventures they’d had together, and he only hesitated for a moment before he began to tell her of the cave. The mention of that fateful night felt like an icepick driven into her brain. With a cry of pain, she collapsed to her knees in the snow. She thought she heard Mystery calling her name, but she could scarcely hear him over the keening sound in her ears. With her eyes squeezed shut against the snowy landscape, she saw the last few years of her life pass before her eyes in flickers and bursts.

It was over mercifully quick. One moment, Vivi didn’t remember, and the next, she had. The excruciating pain that had accompanied the return of her memories was subdued to an aching throb, and slowly, the world came back to her. She first became aware of a cold, wet nose poking at her face. Opening her eyes, she blinked away spots as Mystery and the snowy landscape came back into view. Vivi didn’t think she’d ever seen him so worried.

“Are you alright?” The kitsune asked. She nodded her head wearily, letting out a shaky breath.

“I…I remembered,” the blue-haired girl replied.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Mystery said softly. The fox spirit’s eyes were filled with such gentle concern, Vivi couldn’t help it as her lower lip began to tremble.

“I can’t do this, I can’t lose my memories. Not again,” she sobbed, her voice wavering as tears spilled down her cheeks, “What if… What if I don’t remember next time?”

“I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen,” Mystery vowed, “But first we need to go back to the van. It’ll be safer there.” Vivi was caught in indecision as she looked down at the orange hoodie still clasped in her arms.

“But what about Arthur? We can’t give up on him. Not yet, not ever.”

“We’re not giving up on him,” Mystery soothed, “But if we endanger ourselves now, we may not be able to search for him later. We’re just returning to the van so we can regroup. Once we’re better prepared, we can resume our search.” Part of Vivi still wanted to argue. She couldn’t help but feel like she was letting Arthur down or leaving him behind. She knew the kitsune was right though. This new experience with memory loss was terrifying, and they would never be able to progress in their search if Mystery had to keep reminding her of who she was and what they were doing every step of the way. Wiping at her eyes with her mittens, she conceded defeat.

“Okay,” Vivi mumbled, trying to convince herself she was making the right choice, “Okay, let’s go back to the van.” Mystery gave a slow nod in response. He watched her intently as she climbed back to her feet, bracing her with his shoulder when she stumbled.

“Are you hurt?” He asked.

“Just a headache,” Vivi replied, rubbing at her forehead, “And a little dizzy.” The kitsune regarded her for a moment before lowering himself to the ground.

“Here, get on,” Mystery said. It was a rare offer from the fox spirit. His stubborn pride typically prevented him from even considering giving any of them a ride, not without a hefty amount of bribery or pleading first. Normally, Vivi would have taken the opportunity to tease him about it. As it was, she only nodded mutely and swung her leg over the kitsune’s back, storing her flashlight in her coat pocket. She was sure her lack of response would only worry Mystery more, but he didn’t comment on it as he stood back up from the ground with the blue-haired girl on his back. Vivi swayed as he did so, her head pounding. Her shivering increased as the already freezing temperatures seemed to plummet even lower and static began to encroach on her field of vision.

“Ugh,” Vivi groaned, “It’s happening again!”

“Hold on tight,” Mystery said, “We’ll be moving fast.” She buried her mittens into his thick white fur, desperately clinging to the kitsune’s back and the memories she could already feel sliding away. Mystery began to sprint back the way they’d come, agilely weaving between tree trunks that disappeared in a blur as they quickly lost the progress they’d made journeying into the woods. She could already see the clearing through the trees, and in the blink of an eye, they had left the forest behind and were dashing across an empty white field of snow.

“Hold on, Vivi!” The kitsune called over his shoulder.

The static in her vision worsened, and a painful shudder passed through her frame. She could just make out the shape of the van in the distance.

“Hold on!”

Then her vision whited out entirely and she knew no more.

[fe-semi-decent-scenarios]

Heya if its ok could you do headcanons for slyvain, felix and Calude with an s/o that's constantly getting compared to there older siblings by they parents and they feel like there not good enough. Also I really like your work

{Hi! Sorry this took so long. It’s been a wild few weeks. thanks for the compliment and here ya go!}

Sylvain:

  I think Sylvain would be at a loss and that his reaction would heavily rely on how he’d learn of your insecurities. This is because sibling rivalry is not something uncommon among nobility 

 It tears families apart, literally. Just look at how things turned out between him and Miklan. Status and competition ripped his family to shreds 

He wants to be angry for you, but a part of him refuses. He basically feels as if he’s lost the right. It’s sad considering that his childhood wasn’t the greatest, but Sylvain feels that compared to the treatment Miklan received he got the better end of the bargain. He hates his crest, and how it pitted him against his brother. Yet he knows deep down that while Miklan was a jerk to him, the entire family treated his brother like garbage.

  Sylvain also knows that what happened with Miklan wasn’t his fault, and that nothing excuses how his elder brother treated him while they grew up. Yet...he doesn’t know what being on the short end of sibling comparison feels like. All his life he’s always been the one with the crest, the one to inherit the title, the one viewed as worthy, and while he hates the ‘crest privilege,’ Sylvain knows that life could have been different. Worse. 

He can’t have a heart-to-heart with his brother to talk it over either. Sylvain is aware he will never truly understand what Miklan was feeling. 

He doesn’t want that for you. Sylvain doesn’t want your fate to match his brother’s and depending on your relationship with them he might encourage you to reach out to your sibling. He is involved and actively trying to find a peaceful solution that will get you away from the negativity.

He’s there for you and sets aside his personal feelings on the topic to be a support pillar. This knowledge won’t avidly change how you two interact, but he does make it clear that you can always come to him when you’re feeling inadequate. You may feel many emotions, ones that he might not fully understand. Yet you will never be alone.

Felix:

 Your personal matters are not something Felix involves himself in often. He’s a firm believer of ‘privacy,’ and never pokes around in other peoples’ affairs. It’s unnecessary drama.

In other words: he views your relationship as two interlocked rings, sort of like a Venn diagram. You have your life, he has his, and whatever falls in the middle is what you two share.  

Except for serious issues. If you are ever in danger, suffering, frightened, anxious, ill, etc. he bypasses the rule of personal segregation and forces his way in. He has a protective streak that clouds his sense of judgement from time to time, so be prepared. His personal feelings might come across strong.

If it were a simple sibling squabble Felix would tell you to get over it, but if you confide in him whole heartedly the situation will escalate. He does not like seeing you broken. Not over something that could be avoided.

 You see, like Sylvain, this is a sore spot for Felix. His entire childhood he fought to break free from Glenn’s shadow and keep up with his friends. It left him emotionally tattooed with a failure complex, and his father’s behavior after Glenn’s death did not help. The difference is that it was himself doing the comparison, not his family. While Felix won’t openly say so, Rodrigue treated him with as much care as his brother. He was pushed to the best of his capabilities and the only one setting the expectations was himself.

He can’t comprehend why a parent would compare their children. To be so naive and insulting; he thinks they don’t deserve to have kids at all. Said thought filters into his solution to the problem.

He’s very direct with his involvement. If your family wants to behave like irresponsible twats then he will encourage you to separate from them. He’ll point out that family goes beyond blood, and that you don’t need negativity squandering your true potential. He’s certain that his father wouldn’t mind taking you in considering your relationship.

 (No, he’s not proposing. We all know that Rodrigue would bend over backwards if Felix actually reached out for a favor. And while it kills Felix on the inside to ask, you’re worth it)

I know, it’s irrational and not something one would expect from Felix. He’s not the type to go out of his way to help like this. If anything, people would assume that he’d push you to go make a life of your own or ignore your family and move on.

He does this because you’re the one in trouble, not anyone else. He wants you to focus on being your best self and knows bland words of encouragement won’t have anything beyond a temporary effect. Removing the source of the issue is the best solution and reaching out to his Father is a small price to pay for it.

Claude:

Claude handles the situation more from an observational standpoint in the beginning. He most likely can tell something is off with your home life long before you mention it. With the amount of time you both spend together he picked up on subtle hints easily. Shortly after your meeting he had also gathered information on your family, which sealed the deal.

Now he couldn’t just sit idly and watch you self-destruct. No, he needed to act somehow. Claude could never leave someone in such an unhealthy environment, let alone that person being his s/o. It’s just that family matters are a delicate situation that require as much tactical planning as the battlefield.

 He also is aware that information brokers can only tell him so much. Claude needs to hear the full story from you yourself, and to get that is much harder than it looks.

So, he waits. Eventually you’ll mention something that he can inquire further about. His pressing may upset you, possibly start an argument, but Claude knows it’s necessary. He doesn’t want you to feel as if he’s manipulating your every move, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Your mental health is no joke.

Claude will listen to you with full attention. No jokes, snide comments, interjections, etc. He just lets you pour everything out and absorbs it.

Then comes the contradictions. Anything negative you have to say about yourself will be shut down immediately. He knows that emotional scars like these cannot be healed with flattery, but that’s not what his goal is. His aim is temporary relief to stimulate critical questioning

He wants you to choose what to do next. Amidst the compliments he’ll ask questions like “‘why do you agree with them?” and “What do you want to do?”. Suddenly multiple resources are at your disposal and you have a smooth-talking golden boi ready to fly you off into the sunset. It’s all up to you. He just assures that no matter what your family says or does, you have the choice to move on and a herd of deer backing you up

[let-it-show]

A Flower Without Its Sun

Alright this is...super angsty. And written from Anna’s POV. It’s spilled over from thoughts I had this weekend to mesh with finishing Forest of Shadows which...Anna feels. Many. I apologize for the heaviness of this one, heh. Anna feels that she is wilting.

Small whimpers that had coursed through her body over the past hour gave way to great sobs, tears trailing down and irritating her cheeks. Her stomach was a pit of pain that could not be driven out and her head hurt. The blankets were clenched in her fists and the only prevention she had from her nails digging into her skin to cause further pain.

It had been a long time since Anna had so thoroughly fallen apart. The worst part was that there was no one solid reason she could explain, no one solid event that had pushed her and made her crumple so badly.

It was true being the queen was very stressful and obstacles she hadn't been fully prepared for had come up. Sometimes it was very scary. But even when it seemed to be a mountain of paperwork and lost sleep, Anna climbed that mountain and managed a clear view. She was good at what she did, even if she hadn't carried the same grace of her sister. She was smart, driven, and an adored figure throughout Arendelle, and why shouldn't she be? Before she took the throne she took her time spending hours with the people of Arendelle, investing in them and learning all about them.

She learned about everyone else she could too, and could handle just about any situation with anyone when needed. When she felt even the slightest bit off she had support in Kristoff, Olaf and Sven. Olaf could make her laugh, he could make her feel warm, and Kristoff could make her smile as his strong arms encircled her and gentle kisses were placed on her face, her shoulders, her hands. There was no reason to feel a great loss and a great hole in her heart.

Unfortunately, she did, and she felt it every second that she did not have Elsa.

She had crawled into Elsa's bed at the end of a long day. That morning, Elsa had departed for the forest and every part of Anna begged for her not to go. Every farewell grew harder and harder and it was like her heart tore out of her chest every time Elsa rode away on Nokk or swept gracefully into Gale's strong breeze. She would spend the rest of the day in a bit of a fog. That's all that was left when the touch of Elsa's soul was no longer lingering. When the fog cleared and her head along with all her limbs felt heavy, she would usually cry.

Kristoff would be there and he would pull her close, stroke her hair and her face and whisper kind words. He did his best, but it was never enough, never what she needed. It was even harder to sink into him when she didn't feel whole, but of course she couldn't say that to him.

The crying had gotten worse, too. There it was at what she sorely hoped was its peak as she lay in the bed. She had buried her face in Elsa's pillow to inhale her scent in an effort to surround herself in her. It helped little. The sweet fragrance left before paled harshly in comparison to her sisters loving embrace. There was nothing like her arms around her, her face against Anna's own and the way they mingled together as their breathing unified.

Waking to see Elsa beside her, lingering in the bed even though she had been awake long before Anna, was her most treasured sight in the world.

Now, she was alone, her other half far away as she struggled to calm her breathing, to silence her sobs and try to find a way to sleep.

"Would you like me to bring you anything?" Kristoff had asked quietly maybe an hour prior. He had stood beside the bed and brushed her hair from her red eyes as she attempted to smile at his kind face. "Can I do...something, for you?"

He knew better than to join her in that particular bed, not even daring to sit on it. The worry was evident in his face and she regretted that she put him through so much. He never wanted her sad and day in and day out he tried, he really did. But he couldn't reach her when she didn't have the ability to reach back. His love for her ran deep...

But her true love was what she needed, what she craved, and what could coax her back to understanding the love around her.

Somehow, that made her feel shame. Made her feel insecure and almost useless. Anna usually swallowed it away and let herself function, let herself conquer what she needed to when it involved her kingdom or her friends. After all, evidence showed that when she needed to do something, needed to beat the bad guy or pass a test, she absolutely could do it.

When it came to love, however...even if she could do it, she didn't want to without Elsa.

It was cruel. They had three short years together after the doors opened. Then they had to understand each other while Elsa took on the role of queen and life quickly became more complex. Then it had been alright. It had been manageable, even if they didn't get to have time with each other super often. Elsa was still there. Anna could hug her, could speak to her, could see her.

As soon as they realized they were better together, that all of their past had managed to blossom into something beautiful, Elsa was gone again. She learned who she was. They learned who they were.

A bridge may have two sides...but with one side so far in the distance, the constant weight felt like too much to support.

And so, Anna had buckled.

She curled into a ball in the large bed, hugging Elsa's pillow to her, staying on her side of the bed. All she could do was surround herself with what was left behind, as she had already done for many, many years.

[sweetsummerchildofmine]

Catra vs Zuko - or, how Catra got the redemption arc we never dared to dream for Azula

Ok so since She-Ra’s finished and ATLA’s back on Netflix and everyone’s having a super fun time comparing the two, here’s a long rant about redemption arcs that absolutely no one asked for.

[spoiler warning for both obviously??]

So Prince Zuko is still, correctly, held up as the redemption arc ideal.

Look at this boy of course he is.

As an excellent recent post I can’t currently find why don’t I ever tag things reminds us, the great thing about Zuko is that we always want to see him redeemed. Even though he starts out with bad hair and a bad attitude and on the wrong side, he’s a main character and a sympathetic one.

Iroh is introduced as a wise and lovable uncle to us all, so if he believes in his nephew, then so do we.

But it’s not all about how Iroh sees him. As this brilliant video from Melina Pendulum that I’m essentially just riffing on here rightly points out, Zuko always has a strict code of honour. He generally believes he’s doing the right thing, that the Fire Nation is doing the right thing, and that he can and must make a difference in the world… and is kind of a huge dufus. Now that’s getting a lot less Catra and a lot more…

In a lot of ways, Zuko is wayyy more of an Adora than he is a Catra. As another post that I can’t fucking find points out, it would have been incredible and hilarious if Zuko had somehow turned out to be the Avatar he was searching for all along. Mostly, I’m thinking that if a magical destiny and a new support group hit Zuko square in the face in the early ATLA episodes, we might have got something like the instant turnabout arc that Adora got. But Zuko didn’t get a magic sword – he had to figure out the evil of the Fire Nation slowly, coming to the final understanding that he couldn’t continue fighting for it, not even when it meant giving up all the love and prestige he’d ever sought in his life.

But much as Adora left the hoard and had to unlearn a lotttttt, she hadn’t exactly done anything bad out in the field yet. It’s Catra that’s our redemption arc poster-girl here. Because she actually causes a lot of innocent deaths and nearly destroyed the world but hey nobody’s perfect.

Like Zuko, Catra is introduced as one of our main characters, and she’s even more of an instantly loveable one than he is. She’s not an honourable follower of rules – that’s hammered home in her first scene - 

- but she’s relatable. She’s in love with her best friend, she struggles to take things seriously, mostly as a defense mechanism, and she’s bitter about the fact that she’ll never be anything but second best. When it comes to Adora, despite her jealousy and teasing, she’d do almost anything to protect her. This is something we see throughout season 1, right up until The Promise – the friends might be at odds, but she doesn’t want to see Adora hurt. Especially not if that hurt is coming from their childhood abuser.

So many people have written about the great ways both shows handle the trauma of child abuse and how it won’t necessarily look the same across a family, so I’m not gonna go hard on that. But as a recap – Zuko literally walks around with half his face badly burned off because he embarrassed/disappointed his warlord father. Thanks to a lifetime of negative reinforcement Catra believes herself to be worthless, and she’s noticeably twitchy whenever someone touches her unexpectedly. Growing up with Adora, Catra was the scapegoat kid, taking on most of the blame for all their perceived failures (and giving Adora her intense responsibility complex and belief that everything is somehow her fault yay).

It’s a less clear-cut dynamic for Zuko and Azula – partly helped by the fact that we never get much of Azula’s POV. 

..she’s kinda Catra without the benefit of narrative sympathy. 

Where SPOP never stops reminding us that Catra is a vulnerable, lonely, insecure teenager beneath it all, ATLA barely ever lets us glimpse it in Azula. And maybe it’s not really there yet.

When Catra gives her infallible villain speeches, we know that’s not all there is to her, and the narrative pokes fun at the heroes for believing she’s really that cool or unstoppable or evil.

The joke is…. That’s not Catra. But for most of ATLA we have no reason to question it in Azula.

When Catra has her breakdown after getting everything she ever wanted, but with no loyal friend left at her side, it’s Azula she most resembles. We get our madness, our lashing out, our losing it publicly. But unlike with Azula, Catra is able to learn and grow from that. Because unlike Azula, Catra has always been a prioritised main character, whose feelings constantly help drive the plot.

For Azula, this moment was a private one for the audience. It let us know how much her friends’ abandonment had affected her, and gave us an excuse for her approaching defeat.

The ATLA writers did have a plan for Azula’s arc from there, which involved Zuko being pivotal for her and every day I remember it existed I want to die a little –

"Azula loved Zuko, more than anyone save her father. She also felt competitive with him for their parents’ attention of course, but since she had alienated herself from her mother, she focused her energy on pleasing dad… which of course meant acting in more and more intense and possibly evil ways. By the end of the series, of course, her loss of her friends shatters the part of her identity that she could somehow control affection and love through intimidation. As a result she spirals… I did however intend to leave a kernel of humanity, and had we made a season 4 Azula would have completely bottomed and we would have explored the possibility of a path to redemption. True story!"

-       Aaron Ehasz

This is uhhhhhhhh...

...this is Catra’s story. She just gets to hit that rock bottom and has that hand up held out to her.

- but it’s pointless to speculate about how well or meaningfully the ATLA team would have handled this particular redemption arc because they didn’t get the episodes for it. Azula’s story ends with her, the new Fire Lord’s insane little sister, defeated and locked up to stop her hurting anyone else. yes I know the comics exist I am not gonna talk about the comics.  

No adult ever seems to worry about Azula. Not even Iroh expresses belief that she’d ever be better than she was acting. Which seems… unfair, considering his infinite patience for Zuko, and the fact that he himself was the biggest most effective bad guy the series never saw up until his son’s death.

So back to the Zuko/Catra comparison. Although Catra starts out reluctant to do much damage to Adora and therefore the rebellion hopes she represents as She-Ra, and Zuko starts the series at his most inflexible and serious, they follow a similar journey. Both reach a point where they’re allowed a period of happiness, and the audience hopes that if they do rejoin the war it might be for the good team.

Hurt and discarded by the hoard for daring to show sympathy towards a prisoner, Catra’s sent out into the Crimson Wastes on a fool’s errands, with only her loyal, loving only friend beside her, urging her to choose happiness, to choose herself.

Catra definitely has more fun in the Crimson waste than she does throughout most of the show.

Zuko too, when he lets himself ease into his customer service job, starts to smile. He goes on a DATE, he mellows out, he has fun being a vigilante on his own terms, he’s making his Uncle proud.

But they can’t choose it, because they’ve been forced into it. They need to get the thing they think they want first before they can decide to give that up. So when the chance to return triumphant to their old life falls into their laps, it’s too big a temptation to give up.

And though they want similar things – prestige and respect as part of a colonialist war machine – their motivations for wanting them are completely different.

Our good boy Zuko believes he’s a good boy. He has that strict code of honour and he never wants to let anyone forget that that’s what he’s all about. It’s not until he’s subject to the cruel effects of the Fire Nation himself that he understands how wrong it is. Until then he believes the Fire Nation is in the right, and needs to be proven that they’re not – again, Adora vibes.

Catra, again, does not care about honour. She’s all about trickery. No one needs to convince her she’s the villain of the tale – she’s fully self-aware of that.

And the thing is……. She thinks she deserves to be bad, that they all do, but her especially.

This isn’t an angsty revelation for Catra. This is something she did on purpose as vengeance on a world she feels has only ever hurt her. She genuinely feels that hurting people is all she’s ever been good for, that the best one good thing she could do would be to make the ultimate sacrifice and take herself off the chessboard.

Zuko has never had to doubt that he mattered. His choices always mean something, and if he’s ever in danger of forgetting the truth or weight of that, his uncle is always there to offer love and patience and council.

Zuko’s issue isn’t that no one ever tried to get him to try harder or be better – it’s that so many different people tell him this that he doesn’t know which version of better is right.

Catra’s never had anything resembling a loving and guiding parental presence in her life. No one really holds her accountable to her actions until that rad time when Adora punches her in the face.

The first time Catra sees that there’s an option to deal with bad mistakes that isn’t just giving up and doubling down is when she sees Glimmer work to fix hers.

No one was ever going to stand patiently and unconditionally by Catra’s side. Adora couldn’t (rightly). Catra always kept Scorpia as much at arms length as she was able to, because she knew that one day she’d go too far and lose her. (and she does! again, rightly.) And of course though Shadow Weaver briefly fakes being the caring parent she never was, she’s in this for herself.

Catra didn’t need to be told she was fighting on the wrong side – she knew that - what she needed to learn was that she was loved, so that she could believe that she was worth making herself something better.

She needed to know that there was an option to turn back and stop slipping further down the villainy slope.

Family drama aside, Zuko grew up loved and in luxury. He grew up used to hugs, presents and fancy things. Up until season 2, he goes around with his own warship, his own room, and no one to answer to. Catra has none of that she’s hoping to get back to, or to win.

No matter how high Catra’s star rises in the hoard, the closest she ever gets to luxury is in Adora’s dream vision for them. Unlike most of SPOP’s female leads, Catra is no Princess. Not only has she never known parental love and support, she’s spent her whole young life as a child soldier, training to be a weapon. Adora and Catra have never eaten cake, or petted a horse. They’ve never not worn some kind of uniform. They’re used to bunk beds and a sky grey with ugly fumes.

The most we ever see Catra get for herself is a slight addition to her outfit. There’s no fine clothes or room or food for the chief strategist of the hoard – she’s just a cog in the same machine. It’s control and protection Catra’s chasing – not materialistic gain.

She doesn’t even want power– she just wants to be respected and safe and trusted.

On ATLA -  as brilliantly pointed out here  – Zuko gets his big moments with Aang, Sokka and Katara, but not with Toph. I do think that was because there was nothing personal he needed to make amends to her over (recent assassination attempt aside), but more practically it was about the others needing to learn to trust Zuko. Yes, Zuko needed to make amends but we don’t actually see much of that in season 3 - what we do see is the Gaang learning to trust him.

The Best Friend Squad basically trusts Catra immediately. Unlike the Gaang with Zuko, they’re not worried that Catra’s about to betray them- she’s already made the ultimate sacrifice for them, and has no bargaining power with Prime. Where Zuko was a new friend when they did make him one, Catra was already everything to Adora and that’s not news. Glimmer and Bow love Adora, and they know she needs Catra.

Catra’s redemption is important for her story, but it’s not what our heroes need from her. Before she can have a chance to be redeemed, she needs to be rescued. Save the cat indeed.

Again, it comes back to the fact that Zuko had things back in the Fire Nation to give up, but by the end of things with Catra, she has no one, and she’s a brainwashed pawn. Unlike Zuko, who they worry might betray them again for the family, girlfriend and title he left behind, the BFS have no reason not to trust Catra.

There is nothing for her to flip to. She’s on their side because she has nowhere to go.

Zuko approaches the Gaang, seeing in them his new and only path to honour – the Best Friend Squad go out and get Catra, because she’s part of the hero’s prize.

To even make himself tolerable for the Gaang, never mind a prize, Zuko needed to change – to let his pride turn to humility, to let his prickly lone wolf act die. But Catra needed to mostly stay who she is – a tactical genius, a suspicious rebel who’s “never listened to anyone in her life” who is desperately, selfishly in love with Adora, our painfully self-sacrificing hero.

Zuko, unlike Catra, basically trusts his new friends, because he chose them. He’s known them on some level for years, and is prepared to take any punishment they feel he’s earned. But Catra spends most of the immediate time after her rescue terrified that someone’s about to enact revenge on her – she needs to learn to trust them.

There was no reason it HAD to be Zuko who taught the avatar fire-bending other than it making a nice narrative circle with his family history and because we’re already invested in his development. But to save She-ra and Etheria, it had to be Catra. Because only Catra was the thing Adora selfishly wanted for herself – only Catra loved her completely as Adora first, She-Ra second.

So what fuelled the fire of this messy disjointed rant was seeing a lot of people claim that no redemption arc since Zuko’s has been written so successfully.

Certainly, Zuko gets forced to reckon with his actions and make an active choice to do the right thing and make amends. Our heroes don’t all immediately forgive him and the narrative doesn’t imply that they should. I can see how, with less episodes interacting with the group (but really only just) Catra can be seen as “getting off easily”.

In getting into arguments about redemption at all I think we’ve got to look at justice and forgiveness. Justice is good and important to seek in a story for kids about writing the wrongs of an unjust war. But justice should be about the people who have been wronged getting what they need, not about punishing the character who wronged them. No single character that’s been wronged owes the one who hurt them their forgiveness - but if they give it, what then?

In the same way Aang letting the Fire Lord live had nothing to do with Ozai, and everything to do with Aang and what he’d be comfortable with as a pacifistic child, Catra doesn’t have control over the fact that the people she’s spent seasons scheming against or hurting are instantly prepared to put that behind them.

On a morals front? Sure, it’s good to let kids know that when you fuck up and act like a bad guy that you work to earn redemption from those you’ve harmed. But it’s also an entertainment show. And what we want to see as an audience for our wayward heroes is the reconciliation with the person who loves them the most, that they let down most personally - the closest the two of them have to loving family. For Zuko that’s Iroh. For Catra it’s Adora.

Zuko meets Iroh last, so when they do hug it out, we’ve watched him change and grow a lot - it feels earned. But Adora is the first one Catra sees - who doesn’t even ask her to change yet, just to keep fighting, to live.

“That’s how she would have gotten out, and changed. With the faith and love of someone she had hurt, but who stuck by her anyway. Just as he had been saved by faith and love from someone he had hurt, but who stuck by him.”

-          Aaron Ehasz on Azula and Zuko 

I might wish we’d gotten more episodes of She-Ra for Catra to interact with the whole crew and make amends, forming individual bonds just like Zuko was allowed to do, but I’m so grateful, that, unlike in Azula’s case, we got those episodes at all.

Noelle said in a recent interview when asked about whether Adora had gotten over the whole believing-her-worth-was-based-on-what-she-could-do-for-others thing that it probably wasn’t something she’d fully worked through yet. But she’d started working on it. At the end of the show, Catra hasn’t finished with her issues either – so maybe the bulk of any real amends she needs to make are still to come.

Zuko does get a more complete “redemption” but his journey was always different to Catra’s, and in many ways much more like Adora’s. The very nature of Catra’s story is about questioning how much she needed redemption in the first place, or at least, how much more than the rest of them. Scorpia, Entrapta, Hordak’s a whole other ball-game, Adora, Glimmer, Huntara, Lonnie, Rogelio and Kyle were all involved in doing bad, and some of them got the time to strive to make up for it. Catra’s redemptive moment doesn’t just come right after she just got everything she ever worked for and hates it – it’s when Glimmer, someone she arguably did the most to hurt, is also at her lowest.

SPOP may give us less of an epilogue, but there’s a certainty now that the hoard is gone. The Fire Nation very much does not go away, and only limited attempts at reparations are made. So yeah, maybe Zuko gets a harder time before getting crowned the new Fire Lord, but Catra gets no prize out of her redemption. Just life, and the knowledge that Adora loves her.

None of these characters make for exact mirrors of each other that are easy to compare. Their creators were telling different stories and She-Ra had that all-important gay agenda to work in. To preserve that, Noelle Stevenson’s talked in multiple interviews about them having to make Catra and Adora’s romance central to allowing both their plotlines and the endgame for the show to function.

(Though as correctly noted here I’m not saying that it wouldn’t have improved things if Avatar had felt like pushing for that)

I’m not gonna lie – I have not always been a ride-or-die crewmember on the good ship catradora. I mean I was here for it, I saw and loved and hated Buffy season 3, I knew what was missing in my life, but maybe I just hadn’t seen enough stories like theirs work out in either fiction or real life before and didn’t dare to hope it would all work out ok.

And tbh the crew crafted such wonderful characters I was in a very comfy multishipping place as a viewer for most of the show. (as late as 5x03 I was still yelling that glitter/catra and scorpia/adora were both underrated ships which deserved way more screentime.)

Again, really not the best person to say it without a load more research, but neither show is perfect, especially as it comes to exploring colonialism through fantasy worlds. But I think it’s definitely wrong that Avatar which has a lottttt of well-documented criticism against it is held up on a pedestal as the only way for characters like Zuko or Catra to make amends. Also, because no other story is hopefully ever going to be telling the exact same story for its world or characters. She-Ra certainly wasn’t. And that’s a good thing!!

So Zuko had to learn he was wrong about everything and give up the life he’d been dreaming of for so long. The thing Catra needed to be proved wrong about to allow her to change wasn’t morals. It was her belief that -

[nymphl]

Lie to Me - Hux x Reader x Ch. 16: Guilty & Innocent

A/N: Hello there xD As promised, here it goes chapter 16 of Lie to Me. I’m working on chapter 25, but it’s getting quite difficult right now because whenever I get some time to write, my mom starts talking about just... about everything. And I feel extremely bad to tell her to stop even when she talks for hours nonstop and it gets on my nerves? haha So bear with me just a little more. This quarantine is being harder on her than on me. 

Story Summary: Falling for the enemy… That’s probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Letting him live… for he should be dead. And you should’ve been the one to kill him. You had him, right there… and you let it escape through yours fingers. He lived. And now only the time could tell if you made the right decision — more likely wrong — by saving the amnesiac General of the First Order and telling him he was your husband. [Hux x Reader - Hux x You]

Warnings for the entire story: Will contain at times; graphic violence, sex, drugs and manipulation, coarse language and OOCness.

AO3 Tags: from enemies to lovers; eventual romance; memory loss; fake marriage; fake marriage becomes real marriage; rebellion; married couple; canon divergence; slow burn romance; politics; rebel alliance; resistance; first order; OOCness; eventual smut; eventual sex; power play; power dynamics; syndicate; lies; you lie; Hux lies; Hux backstory; manipulation; political alliances; political betrayals; secret organizations; tros fix it; anti tros; nobody likes general pryde.

Wordcount: 3420

PREVIOUS CHAPTER 

IT HAD BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE ARMITAGE HUX LAST SAW THAT ARMOR. The only indication he had his words had not gone to waste were the slight and occasional nods he could see through the compromised transmission.

The poor broadcast made it difficult for him to understand the already muffled words because of the gigantic helmet. Yet, he insisted. There was something he needed to know, and it could not be delayed any longer.

Depending on the answers he got, he would have to change his plans drastically. The future — his future, her future and the First Order’s as well and why not the whole galaxy? — depended on what Captain Phasma would say. She was, in no way, a reliable source — he doubted anyone in the First Order could be considered as such —, but the Captain of the Stormtroopers was no Politian.

As a militarist, she was good at following orders, not defying them, and yet…

…they had history together.

And if there was someone he came closer to ever trust, he could say it was the chromium-armored stormtrooper. In truth, she said very little, but more than enough for someone such as himself. Out of the triumvirate — one out of many in the First Order —, Armitage Hux could say he was the best strategist — not blessed with either the Force or physical strength, the slim and awkwardly tall boy had to work on his forte: his brain.

In any case, the possibility of another betrayal — something he quite did not expect the first time around — would not come off as a surprise at this point. He was counting on it. In fact, he planned the probable outcome for each situation. No one could say the General was a man who enjoyed the unexpected — that was why he never had time for people nor relationships; feelings were unpredictable —, and while he adapted quite easily, his distaste for such was immeasurable.

The unforeseen made him feel powerless and everything that did not add for his bright future as Supreme Leader — Emperor, no one could say he dreamed little — was disposable. A controller. Armitage Hux was a control freak and everything — people and feelings included — that could not be controllable was better left behind. Thankfully, Captain Phasma fell in the first category.   

“There’s word out there that you betrayed the Order.”

He narrowed his eyes — something she would not be able to see given the transmission.

“Careful, Phasma.”

His strategy was quite simple, really. After his reveal, Captain Phasma would either keep his secret or she would tell the Supreme Leader — or even Ren himself. Or they would read right through her — he could only hope she learned by now how to conceal her thoughts.

Nevertheless, he was ready for any outcome. If the latter happened, his plans would only be hastened a bit.

“The Resistance attacked us in Rioza. They stole the shipment in its entirety. Some believe you feed them information.”

He thought that a smirk would have looked too suspicious. And yet he smirked. The slight tilt of his lips went unnoticed by the Captain.

Instead of giving her an answer — of soothing her fears and insecurities —, he chose silence. And she knew better than to expect a response for such a stupid statement.

“So… You’re coming back? You’ll prove them wrong.”

It sounded like a question — and it was a question; Captain Phasma lacked the intricacies of a more modulated speech —, but it was also a half-assertion. Once he was alive, it was expected of him to come back. The First Order was his life — after all, he had been molded for the position and role he fit in right now; the fact he was at the sore end of the bargain, with less than he deserved was a mere casualty —; he had pledged his life to it.

Not satisfied in taking his life — or almost taking, it would be a surprise when they saw he was in fact very much alive —, those who plotted against him managed to destroy his reputation in the Order.

He almost snorted.

The irony was too good to miss. The poster-boy, the golden General — a Grand-Marshall if they would so give what he deserved and worked so hard for —, was no more than a traitor.

Shaking such thoughts away, he concentrated in her question.         

I make no idle promises.

The words were on his tongue, dying to be unleashed. He knew better. Even though he said it once, in a vastly different context, true, the meaning applied for the situation at hand. Suffice to say that Armitage Hux was a man whose distaste for the unpredictable rivaled his aversion to small talk and stating the obvious. If Phasma learned to battle with her physical strength, the slim, tall, awkwardly ginger Arkanisian boy was forced to quickly understand the power of the words.  

Instead, he nodded.

Guilt…

You felt guilty before, but it could not compare to how you felt now. It was destroying you to know he had left and was yet to come back. When he said do not wait for me, you thought he meant for the night, not for whole four days.

A monster…

You felt like a monster for not giving him an answer.

But what else could you say? What else could you do? You were caught in your lies once, it was not like you could say you trusted him when you were not sure you did. You were cornered. Afraid and feeling guilty.

You had not realized it before, but you regretted saving him — you thought that was not something that would go away. He was the enemy. He and his precious First Order had invaded your planet — your home. It is true they betrayed him and tried to have him killed — and only the Maker could know why. You wondered if the General knew the truth himself — not the twisted lie you told him. 

Besides, he said himself he probably knew about the new virus wreaking havoc in Dantooine, causing the death of so many aliens right now.

He could have lied. He could have said he had nothing to do with it, but he decided to be honest, and so did you.     

You just did not expect him to leave for good.

It had been four days since he left. Obviously, you paid no heed to his warning. You had to go back. You had to work. Your coworkers — the few of them who did not stop working — were counting on you; lives depended on you. You had to go back to the Hospital. Your own life and safety meant very little face to the gravity of the situation.

The possibility of getting infected by the disease was no longer a threat — it was confirmed it was spread through the water and only alien species were vulnerable to it. Unlike the Krytos Virus, this one — the alien flu as your coworkers called it — could not be reversed by using bacta in the treatment. And if the most powerful healing substance could not kill it, you doubted anything else would. You had discovered — out of sheer luck or utter despair, you were no longer sure — that a small substance, not found in abundance in Dantooine and already out stock, seemed to alleviate the symptoms and delay the impending death.

Yet, even if the risk of getting sick was nil, at least one healer had been eaten by the crazed aliens quarantined.  You would be lying if you said the possibility of being eaten alive did not scare you. However — and you could not help the comparison —, Aquilla would never let it hinder him. You could only hope the General understood it. Saving people was in your DNA, you could not help it.

At least, that was what you prepared yourself for when you returned to the Cave — your own house had been invaded by homeless, sick aliens; something you would not and could not complain about, they needed it more than you ever did —, only to find it empty. D-Five was making dinner for you only. The always so very efficient and proactive protocol droid told you he would not come back that day, but he was ready to be your company and talk about whatever topic you saw fit. The talk did not take place in the next day either, for you were welcomed with the same words. On the third day you gave up on the talk. You would not return to find the Cave empty.  

Today, you felt very inclined to stay at the Hospital again.

A tired sigh left you as you entered the refresher. It was a very hot day in Dantooine and even though you longed to get home — if you could call the cold and dark Cave as such —, and get some rest, you knew you had to stay awake to take care of the children in your care.

You splashed cool water in your face, trying to wash away the sleepiness that began to take over you. The mirror placed on the wall showed you a very different face from not even a week ago. You had dark circles under your eyes and your skin lacked the luster of a healthy person. It did not help you could barely eat for the past few days — worry always compromised your appetite greatly.

Placing your hands over your face, you took a moment to breathe deeply and keep your thoughts at bay. A part of you wondered if he died — it was quickly dismissed; he was too smart to die that easily and you thought you would know, you knew when Aquilla died, it was not something rational, more like empirical, you just knew —, and part cogitated the possibility of him going back to the First Order.

I am loyal only to myself.

…and to you.

Is he though?

You shook your head. He would not go back to them. They betrayed him. They conspired to have him killed — or so he said, and could you trust him? Senator Organa was still to get back to you…   

…And he said himself you should not wait for him.

It was impossible not to wonder if he was back to the First Order. He was a General and someone of his position — in control of such immensurable power — would hardly let go.

Your thoughts were interrupted with the buzz of your comm-relay. You took it with you as soon as you left home in the first day, too worried to stay parted from it — you had to know what happened to General Organa, you needed to. However, you were afraid of sending a message and it falling on the wrong hands — only the Maker could know how many lives such a message could affect.

Not giving it much thought, you opened the comm-relay only to be greeted by the tired and old face of the woman who invaded your mind more than you would like for the past few days.      

“Were the Coordinates right? Did everything go—

You stopped yourself, biting the inside of your cheeks to the point you felt the coppery taste in your tongue. You closed your eyes — well, it was too late to say anything else now.

Kriffs.

If she did not know before that you did not trust your contact, she knew now. In her place — even if everything went smoothly, you would not trust this deserter of the First Order. It was clear that unlike Finn — or FN-2187 and what a dehumanizing way of calling someone —, your contact was not reliable.  

I trust him with my life.

As if.

If she noticed your internal conflict, she chose not to comment on it, “Tell your contact we are grateful for all the information he has provided.”

You were not sure if she noticed it either, but you straightened your back. It felt as if a heavy weight was lifted off your shoulders. It felt as if you could finally breathe again. And you took a deep intake of breath. Your lungs burned with the amount of air you inhaled. And yet, you would not trade this sensation for anything else.

With the relief, came the regret.

You were once again guilt-ridden.

You should have trusted him.

You should have believed him.

You should have…

…let go of your apprehensiveness and listened to him. Listened to your heart that wanted so badly to accept his words and not to your mind, that wanted to paint him as the villain of your story.

He was… innocent all long and you were just… Kriffs. A monster for judging him so harshly. 

“…not only right, but useful as well.”

Shaking your thoughts away, you decided to actually look at her and pay attention to what she said.

“What took you so long?” you asked, not really sure you overstepped your boundaries. The nature of your relationship was not clear as of yet. However, you had to know. If the cause of her delay was not related to an imaginary — you were such a fool — betrayal on Hux’s part, you needed to know the reason. 

General Organa took a moment to answer, as if testing her words. As if testing… you. It was clear she was surprised at your disarray, but once again she chose not to comment on it. If she was preserving your privacy or if she did not trust you to such extent, you did not know.

“A new disease spread in the outer-rim territories kept the Resistance busy.”

Your eyes widened.

“The Alien Flu…” It left your lips in a meek whisper. You knew it was bad, but you had no idea it was spread in planets other than Dantooine. If eradicating a disease in a single planet was almost impossible, you could not say what you expected of part of the galaxy. “Kriffs!”

There was moment of silence.

Senator Organa was most like analyzing your reaction. And you could not say you judged her. In her place, you would do the same — if Aquilla had not spoken about this, you could say the General taught you with his posture, but you knew that silence spoke volumes about a person or a situation.

“Perhaps your contact knows something about the disease and its cure.”

It was your time to keep silent, however brief it was. Soon, the words came to life in your mouth, “No. He doesn’t.”

Her expression was somewhat blank. You had no idea if it meant she believed you or if she thought everything you said was utter bullshit. General Organa did not strike you as someone who trusted others — even if they helped her once — that easily. On your part, you were surprised for defending him so vehemently.

He could be innocent.

He is innocent.

Even if the concept of innocence did not apply to those in an organization that profited by waging War in the galaxy — by those who believed in a project of a fallen Empire, the very embodiment of tyranny and villainy.   

Kriffs.

You did not know what to believe anymore. The fact that he simply vanished did not help the tiniest bit.  

“I thought as much.” She brought a bottle of water to her lips. It concealed most of her face. “Only someone of the highest ranks would know about that.”

You bit your bottom lip.

She knew.

A shiver ran down your spine.

“Listen.” You swallowed. “I have to go.”

As soon as you ended the transmission and shut down your comm-relay, you left the Hospital. This time you did not care about your clothes or your own sanity — which you knew was lacking right now.

The fact that you did not sleep coupled with the discovery of his… — you had no idea what to call it, honesty, perhaps? — coupled with the truthfulness of his words made your heart beat faster and not only because you were running towards the Cave.

You had to get to him. You had to talk to him. You had to… see him. You were not sure you could trust your words right now. Seeing his face would suffice. However, more than the imperious need to see him, you needed to know.

By now, he already knew if he had a hand in what was taking place in Dantooine and other territories in the outer rim.

Only someone of the highest ranks would know about that.

If he still had most of his accesses to the First Order database, then he knew why they did it — and it was getting increasingly difficult not to understand their reasons; aliens ate humans and humans hated aliens. Only a racist organization, product of that dictatorship called Empire, could unleash such a hateful disease upon the distant and forgotten planets — and how to possibly end it.

Because there must be an antidote.

There has to be.

If you were to find him, D-Five would give you his coordinates. The protocol droid would know where he was. You just had to make him talk.

You ran as fast as your tired limbs would carry you. As fast as your own heartrate would allow you to. Part of you was grateful for his harsh training, without it, you doubted you would be able to stand on your legs right now. Getting almost no sleep for the last few days helped very little.

It was with some relief — great relief, actually — that as your feet brought you to a stop in front of the Cave, and you spotted not only the General, but his partner — was she really a partner or they were only analyzing each other and waiting for the best moment to end not only their partnership but the other’s life? — as well. Behind them, there was a Personal Petite Yacht you have not seen in years.

“You look like shit, hon.”

Pursing your lips into a thin line, you breathed deeply through your nose. You almost — you knew the General would scowl if you did that — placed your hands on your knees to support yourself. Even if it was a short distance between the Hospital and the Cave, you felt like you had run a marathon.

“Aurra.”

The General straightened his shoulders and shut off his electronic cigarette. You shifted your attention to him. You were not the only one who looked absolutely terrible. If you slept little, the General got close to no sleep whatsoever.

His cheekbones seemed even sharper now. Besides not resting properly, you could say he was not eating as well.

If the situation was any different, you could say you were worried about him. Right now, all you could feel was a crushing guilty and extreme relief — he was alive, and he had not gone back to the First Order. And it sufficed.

He had no time to say anything — and you doubted he would —, for she hit her walking stick on the rocky ground, attracting your attention.

“You arrived just in time, dear.”

In time for what?

“Go ahead.” She pointed at the ship behind her. “You two shall leave for Canto Bight.”

The General outstretched his hand for you to take. Even if you hesitated ­­­— to depart for Cantonica right now made no sense whatsoever, not with the medical crisis in the outer rim territories ­—, you placed your fingers upon his. He immediately pulled you into his embrace.

You bit your bottom lip —­ not risking a glance at Aurra; you had no idea if she still believed you were his weakness and honestly you did not want to let her know there were problems in paradise ­— and moved one of your hands over his shoulder.   

“Do you trust me?” he asked. His voice was no more than a whisper in your ear.

Do I?

Part of you wanted to say you did. If you learned something today, it was that he was far from the lying monster you believed him to be ­— and you had lied to him as well! You were sure of one thing only — if you wanted to survive, it you wanted to find the cure for that damned disease, you had to trust him.       

“Do I have any other choice?”

You expected silence. Instead, you felt the tip of his nose running over the sensible skin of your neck as he breathed in your scent.

“No.”

A/N - See you on Friday. Guys, I’m also posting Lie to Me now on Wattpad. I update every Wednesday xD

[trashpandaorigins]

You Idiot! Deconstructing Groot & Rocket’s Less Than Wholesome Dynamic

I recently rewatched GOTG and it really struck me (shockingly) for the first time how Rocket is really actually pretty mean to Groot throughout GOTGVol1. Now we're gonna talk about it.

Writing this makes me a hypocrite. I have read and written numerous fanfics about Groot and Rocket. Fics about how they met, how they escaped prisons, how Groot was the first being in the galaxy to care about Rocket, how bereft Rocket was after the original Groot died and how he then rose to the occasion to take care of baby Groot. There are fluffy fics, angsty fics, so many fics and lovely pieces of fanart that feature this iconic duo. However, there’s an element to Groot and Rocket’s relationship that is very much the elephant in the room: Rocket is, (and I was somewhat shocked by this upon my most recent watching of GOTG) really a jerk to Groot. He doesn’t treat him nicely at all.  Let’s just start off with Rocket’s persistent referral to Groot as an idiot. In most fics, (my own included), this is brushed off as an endearing term. One that is playful, doesn’t carry much meaning behind it beyond a nickname of sorts. This is problematic and it’s not the only thing that contributes to their less than wholesome dynamic. Indeed, there is a lot there. Rocket is mean to Groot throughout most of the film and Groot tolerates it even as he is protecting the raccoonoid and assisting him along their adventure. I am going to be looking exclusively GOTG1 for this little ramble. Volume 2 brings up a whole different dynamic and the comics are a different story all together. Personally, I think Groot has  more agency in the comics and pushes back more frequently on Rocket’s antics (not that he doesn’t do that in GOTG, we will get into that later), but the comics have the luxury of time and different runs to expand on their relationship.

After all isn’t that  one of the great beauties of engaging in fandom and shipping? In this case platonically;  that we can both love and adore our favorite characters while also examining their relationships from different angels and gaining new insights and analyzing them critically. I would also argue that it makes fandom more engaging, provides inspiration for new content and allows us to delve deeper into these endlessly intriguing characters. I am not trying to argue that Rocket doesn’t love Groot or doesn’t care about him, in fact I think that if we look at the problematic parts of their relationship it makes the ending of the movie all the more impactful. I’m just saying that sometimes you have to look at the entire ship, even the nasty bits and in so doing you can appreciate the whole. With that note let’s blow some holes in this ship. You know, for fun!

“Don’t drink fountain water you idiot that’s disgusting!” From the very moment we are introduced to Groot and Rocket the raccoonoid is already insulting his partner in crime. The casualty with which he utters this indicates that this isn’t the first time he’s referred to Groot as such and it certainly not the last. Repeatedly calling Groot and idiot  reinforces the idea that people who are quiet or don’t communicate verbally in the way that others do, are somehow dullards, fools or dunces, people with low intellect. This really is quite mean spirited of Rocket especially when you consider the flora’s loyalty.

It might seem as through Groot doesn’t mind this insult but you see him object, shaking his head and looking at Rocket as he tries to deny the fact. Groot may speak in a way that not many people can understand but he can understand them. He knows what words mean; he knows what the word idiot means. So that is how we meet the duo. Rocket ordering Groot around. The fight ensues with Quill and Gamora, during which Rocket calls Groot an idiot again after the flora manages to capture Quill. But Groot does this of his own volition, taking initiative and sneaking up on him to get the bounty. Does Rocket praise his partner or react pleasantly to Groot succeeding in this? No he tells him to quit smiling and again accuses him of being an idiot. Towards the end of the fight as Groot is whimpering over his lost arm Rocket calls him an idiot for a third time and tells him to  essentially “get over it.” Not a terribly wholesome start. It paints their relationship as one where Rocket orders Groot around, using him for his brute strength, hanging around with him out of convenience and the protection/intimidation he offers, but not really caring all that much about his feelings or his well-being.

Not only does Rocket continue to insult Groot but he also demeans nearly everything that the flora says and brushes aside Groot’s genuine concern with irritation. See the, “I told you you can’t fit now stay here I’ll be back,” bit of dialogue before the pod chase as well as, “so what it’s better than 11% what the hell does that have to do with anything?” He dismisses Groot’s anxieties and shrugs off most of what he says. Any suggestions or comments are met with contempt.

Groot is the butt of Rocket’s insecurities, the emotional punching bag upon whom Rocket projects his anger and frustration. Rocket often lashes out at him and  behavior is not uncommon. We’ve all intentionally or unintentionally taken our anger out on those we love most.

Rocket treats Groot as an annoyance for most of the film. Shaming him in front of others, insulting him, snapping at his every word but….can we blame him? Rocket is a tormented little thing who never learned empathy, never learned how to treat people right. It’s heavily implied that the people or things that made him certainly didn’t expose him to an ounce of sympathy or understanding. He wasn’t socialized in the way other beings are whether by human or animal social circles. He is the product of a lab. They were making something to be used for violent means. They didn’t care if their creation could play nice in the sandbox. I have made this comparison before but Rocket is in many ways,  an abused child who is trying to make his way in and understand a world that consistently rejects him and dehumanizes him for that which his creators did, (by the way he doesn’t even know what that is). The fact that he is able to form any relationship or emotional connection with anyone is remarkable.  Of course Rocket’s struggles with forming relationships is indicative of his traumatic past, but having trauma doesn’t give you a free pass to treat people poorly. It can help explain certain behaviors but it doesn’t excuse them, and Groot appears to understand this just as well.

We’ve been focussing pretty exclusively on Rocket’s perspective here so let’s shift to Groots, something that is undoubtedly harder to do, (and people ask me why I only have one story from Groot’s point of view, this is why). Imagine for a second you are in a country where you can understand their language but they cannot understand you. What’s worse, most of the people view you as an outsider and a freak. No matter how many times you try to communicate with them they still look upon you with scorn. It’s alienating, frustrating and profoundly lonely. Then imagine you finally, finally meet someone who can communicate with you, what a relief! Not only that but they seem to be deft at navigating this fast, complex world you are trying to inhabit. Sure they are a bit rough around the edges and sometimes they are rude to you but depend on them. It is precisely this dependency that perhaps provides the foundation for Groot and Rocket’s team up-though the movies don’t tell us exactly how they met. Maybe Groot helped him out of the jam. Rocket is good at many things but given his size he probably does his best to avoid hand to hand combat when necessary. It would make sense for him to relay on Groot for protection as well as his ability to intimidate others as we see in the Klyn. Despite this dependency Groot does put up with a lot of Rocket’s antics.

Groot isn’t some passive figure either when it comes to Rocket’s behavior. As my good friend @captaintoomanybattles pointed out during our latest viewing of GOTG,  Groot and Rocket stick together even when it’s not something Rocket wants to do. Groot is determined to save Quill and Gamora and Rocket follows along even though it’s not something. Rocket isn’t really even being persuaded really. Groot expresses horror at Rocket mockery of Drax’s loss. Groot pushes back against him and takes a stance.  It is Groot who initiates the rescue of Quill and Gamora, he is the first among the Guardians to stand up after Quill’s big speech, agreeing to fight Ronan. Groot makes this choice entirely on his own. When he looks at Rocket he isn’t asks for permission, he’s asking if Rocket is with them. In this case it is Groot who is the driving force. There’s a balance, it goes both ways. Both are able to make their own decisions independent of the other.

In order to really understand why Groot would stand all of this, and who Groot is I think you really need to understand trees. I’m not a philosopher and this little piece has gone on long enough and I still have a few more things I want to touch on so I’ll keep it quick. Perhaps Groot, like trees and other plants is playing the long game so to speak.Thinking and conceptualizing time and existence in a cyclical nature of seasons, life, death and rebirth; slow and steady. So maybe it doesn’t trouble him overmuch when Rocket lashes out in the movement because Groot knows his partner in crime has had a rough life and he is trying slowly to learn how to build relationships and be more compassionate. In contrast, Rocket who is reckless, impulsive, his temerity knowing no bounds doesn’t fully grasp the pernicious effects of words and deeds on to Groot until the very end.  

And that right there is perhaps the real tragedy. That Rocket doesn’t realize until much too late that Groot is, up until this point the only other creature who has ever cared about him. Groot is the one person who has ever deemed Rocket someone not only worthy of friendship and compassion despite his rudeness but someone worth saving, worth dying for. It is in that terrible movement when the two look at each other right after Rocket has begged him not to do this- that Rocket must reckon with how he has exploited and insulted Groot, (and thus begins to realize the profound effects of his own trauma upon himself and his relationships with others). Groot was the only person in Rocket’s lonely misbegotten existence who deemed him capable of something more than the little monster his creator's had intended. Groot proves that Rocket is worthy of being loved and the rest of the Guardians subsequently prove to him that he is capable of loving others. Groot was the first to humanize this little malformed creature, the one who in many ways showed him he had personhood and the Guardians then push him to become a fully realized person in turn.

Rocket’s persistent rudeness towards Groot doesn’t detract from the beauty nor the love in this shot where Groot lifts a vine to stroke against Rocket’s face; it adds depth and dimensionality.  That is the tragedy that only in a moment of pure altruism on the part of Groot does Rocket realize he did in fact love Groot too. His perspective shifts, seeing Groot not as a tool or a means to an ends but someone who cared for him. But at this point it’s too late. Groot has chosen to sacrifice himself wholly on his own volition. Rocket knows he cannot talk Groot out of it, (though he tries by demanding to know why Groot is making this choice.). At this point Rocket can only look into the eyes of the creature he mistreated so and….weep?  He just...looks up at Groot with this helplessness and you feel feel it, deeply. Groot’s last words are ones of hope, reassurance, unity, and boundless love even in the face of utter chaos and his own impending ruin. The scene shows Rocket’s grief-stricken face, powerless to stop what is coming and then you see Groot. Who is somehow despite the tears in his eyes and no doubt the fear, still so full of faith in friendship, of faith that the rest of them will be okay. We are Groot breaks our hearts and then it fades to white. Now I’m not going to make a Jesus metaphor here and say that Groot dies for the sins of the rest of the Guardians bur rather his death does force rocket to face the fact that he did sin, or at least that he treated a kind person who was nothing but good to him, unkindly and with apathy at best.

Still, you can tell that Rocket does care about Groot through it all. He runs towards him under dire circumstances in the Kyln, leaping up on his shoulder ready to fight instead of running away and letting Groot get shot up. He advocates for Groot to get his share of the bounty on multiple occasions and lashes out at the Collector when the man posets buying Groot’s corpse after his death, (wasn’t that some heartbreaking foreshadowing).

It is clear that Rocket regrets treating Groot the way he did. That much is evident in the shot where we see him kneeling-and let’s be clear here-among the literal splintered saw dusted broken remains of his partner. It’s a short shot, easy to miss and Rocket’s mumbled words are hard to hear but he murmurs, “I called him an idiot,” whilst picking up a handful of the remaining twigs. This quick shot, not even a scene really is tiny but powerful. For it shows Rocket’s humility and vulnerability rivilng that of the scene at the bar on Knowhere. The raccoonoid is full of shame and grief and understandably, rage. Rocket took advantage of Groot throughout their time together and only realized the love he had when it was too late. He will never get the chance to apologize, he will never be able to make amends, he will never be able to tell Groot how much he truly appreciated and loved him. Peter never took his mother’s hand and Rocket never apologized to Groot and damn if that ain’t relatable to anyone who has ever lost someone they loved without being able to say goodbye. But this guilt isn’t lost on Rocket. He learns his lesson, at least in part. As another fan pointed out Rocket never once calls baby Groot  an idiot, even when he is frustrated or angry with him. Nor does he call Teen Groot such.

Groot and Rocket’s relationship is not necessarily a healthy one. Built on a mutual dependency with Rocket often times exploiting him and then treating him a nuisance-but Groot doesn’t just stand by and take it either. He pushes back, and when push comes to shove Rocket will follow where Groot goes. Both of them care for one another, deeply. Enough for Groot to sacrifice himself for Rocket’s life, enough for Rocket to begin to change for the better. I adore these two with all my fangirl heart and well I wouldn’t use the word “adore” to describe how Rocket feels-anyone who watches the Groot cocoon scene, or the shot of Rocket as Baby Groot emerges can see the radiant emotion that is there. We are all imperfect people with imperfect relationships. Things we never said to people, friends and family we took for granted, people we didn’t stick up to sooner. If Groot and Rocket’s dynamic can teach us anything it is that it is alright have a messy imperfect love as long as we push ourselves to do better and sometimes give ourselves and each other, a break. Groot said it best: We are Groot, despite our flaws and short comings, we are all worthy of love.

[butterflieshq]

* ( DANIELLE ROSE RUSSELL, 21, FEMALE, SHE/HER ) welcome back to the redwoods ( LEIGHTON PRICE ) i hope this time goes better for them than last. their friends like to call them the ( THE GUILTY ) but they don’t believe that they behave quite that way. they are know for being ( LOYAL ) and ( EMPATHETIC ) but I doubt that people will over look the fact that the ( TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD ) is also quite ( SECRETIVE ) and ( CYNICAL ).  i hope they can survive until the morning light *

BIOGRAPHY :

A pair of optimistic eyes that believed life to be a storybook, a mother and a father that greeted her every day with a kiss on the forehead and who then drifted off to bed with their chorus of I love you’s echoing in her ears, adoration was abundant in the price’s household. the love her parents gave her helped instill an inherent kindness in Leighton, but what stood out most to her eager eyes was the all consuming flame that still burned between her mother and father. to have someone look at her the way her parents looked at one another was all she could ask for, but in the meantime, she’d give that open heart to anyone who asked for a piece of it. Outgoing and easygoing by nature, young Leighton attracted a large group of friends.Willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt and never casting a judgmental eye towards anyone who trusted her enough to confide in her, with a mouth that could outrun her thoughts, she’d greet strangers with a barrage of questions and exclamations as if they’d been friends all their lives.

Simply eager to meet new people and build new bridges, Leighton would seize the opportunity to meet a potential friend, oblivious to the way some rolled their eyes as her voice filled the room for a few minutes too long, or how she managed to find a way to make the questions she asked all come back to herself. prone to oversharing, Leighton was an open book to all she met — a slightly annoying book that occasionally needed to be interrupted, but a lovable one nonetheless.

She hadn’t come from a rich family, her parents inculcated in her the value of supporting herself through hard work. while Leighton gave school her best shot, she’d never been a natural scholar. numbers didn’t all come together right away, and her words never flew as eloquently as others’. Her aptitude was in people — not necessarily in understanding them, as her accidental tendency to make a conversation about herself didn’t lend itself well to empathy, but in putting a smile on their faces through her lighthearted banter and optimism. it was no wonder really how her friendly disposition rotated to the one of Nathlia. and it was much less of an enigma how these two ended up as friends. friends who brought each other their own brand of joy and called it the only kind of success they could ever imagine for themselves.

Willing to give anyone a chance, Leighton always found herself in the arms of the wrong person — the person who took her bluntness as coming on too strong and was scared away, the person whose partner was waiting after friday night’s game, or the person who only wanted her for the night. Overly sensitive, each heartbreak hit her far harder than it should’ve, leaving her choking back tears behind gym on more nights than she could count. she only wanted to find the one, but with each frog she weeded her way through, she’d begun to lose hope. and it was down to her friends to help her pick herself up. an emotional girl, it was only natural that the allure of perfect strangers who carefully shrouded their intentions, would call to her. back then, the intentions of others were an afterthought, nothing in comparison to the feelings and thoughts for the future that once went racing through Leighton’s head.

This contrasts heavily with her newfound cynicism. in the wake of Nathlia’s senseless death, the intentions of others are everything to her now. she holds the intentions of others higher than what she feels in her own heart, aware that had she done this sooner in life, she could have protected those who she loved from the devastation they’ve been forced to endure. It was just a misunderstanding, as they’ve never fought before. Not in the million years they’ve known each other. How Leighton wishes she could take back every horrible thing she spat out at Nathlia for no other reason than her own insecurity and cowardice. She didn’t mean to leave her on her own to get back to the cabin, but she wasn’t thinking straight that night. Leighton was heartbroken and the only thing that could make her feel anything remotely close to better was partying to forget. And she did, until the very next morning.

The police wanted to know everything, but it was so difficult to cooperate when she knew nothing. numb by her grief, and unable to fathom why anyone would want nath dead, she didn’t know how to help. She felt helpless. what’s even more, she felt guilty. a distraught Leighton blamed no one but herself, for leaving her friend alone in the woods. the group and family watched the girl’s guilt and anxiety consume her, because she’d failed her, failed her when she just wanted to mend things, in her bubbly and always humorous ways. but there’s no way she can make up for that. the more Leighton desperately tried to fit together the mismatched pieces, the more it stung; the panic attacks are the manisfetation of her guilt, telling her what she already knows: that all of this is fucked. and yet she perseveres, following the rabbit hole ever-deeper while trying to hide the toll it has taken on her.

The person she used to be is a mirror image of the girl who she sees everywhere she goes: soft-hearted, kind, loving in every sense of the word. It’s everything that Leighton can’t be now and she despises herself for it. her rude awakening into the ‘real world’ has forced her to grow conflicted with who she is. the optimism that had once burned bright within her had turned into a sour cynicism, her friendly nature replaced by an uneasiness and paranoia she’d never wanted for herself. Because Leighton is mourning more than just Nath’s loss. She has to mourn the death of herself. The plucky girl everyone once knew has ceased to exist; she was buried with Nathalia, replaced instead with the person she is today. a person whose guilt keeps her awake, manifesting itself in anxiety, self loathing, and sporadic panic attacks.

PENNED BY CHLOE !

[perfectirishgifts]

This Recession Is Particularly Harmful To Asian Workers

New Post has been published on https://perfectirishgifts.com/this-recession-is-particularly-harmful-to-asian-workers-2/

This Recession Is Particularly Harmful To Asian Workers

Asian women have suffered more in this recession than in prior ones.

This recession has brought a lot of suffering for people looking for a new job. This is especially true for many Asian workers. And things could get much worse for these workers, mainly women, as the labor market is slowing amid the accelerating pandemic.

The Asian unemployment rate has remained above that for White workers throughout the recession. The unemployment rate for Asian workers shot up to a high of 15.0% in May before dropping to 6.7% in November. In comparison, the White unemployment rate rose to 14.2% in April and stood at 5.9% last month. White workers were more likely to have a job when the recession started and those, who became unemployed, were back in a job quicker than was the case for Asian workers.

The situation is even worse for Asian workers than comparisons of unemployment rates by race suggest. Asian workers have the longest unemployment spells of any racial or ethnic group. The average weeks of unemployment for Asian workers stood at 32 weeks in November, compared to 22.9 weeks for White unemployed workers. Asian workers are on average out of job looking for a new one 39.7% longer than their White counterparts. Longer unemployment spells are not new for Asian workers. This time around, there are just a lot more Asian workers without a job than in previous recessions.

The economic pain for all unemployed workers is about to get worse. Congress failed to extend added unemployment insurance benefits beyond the end of July. Now long term unemployment is widespread and on the rise, especially among Asian workers. And Congress has so far failed to extend relief for longer-term unemployed workers beyond December.

The difference in unemployment rates between Asian and White workers is unusual. In the Great Recession from 2007 to 2009, for example, Asian workers, especially Asian women, had one of the smallest increase in unemployment rates, as economist Diane Lim points out.

This trend reversal in about a decade reflects two important factors. First, the Asian community is quickly growing and becoming more diverse, with economically insecure populations growing faster than others. The Asian community is a rich, vibrant and fast growing community, reflected also in its occupational diversity. Some are highly concentrated in management and professional occupations, while some groups disproportionately work in low-wage service sectors. As a result, many groups of Asian families have high levels of poverty. These include Burmese, Bhutanese, Hmong and Malaysians, for example. As the share of economically insecure groups grows within the broader Asian-American community, indicators of economic vulnerability such as unemployment rates will show more widespread economic pain during a recession. After all, people without a lot of wealth and family income have no other option than to stay looking for a hard-to-come-by job in a recession.

Second, this recession hit service industries hard, where Asian workers are concentrated. Asian workers, similar to other people of color, frequently experience labor market discrimination. Occupational steering and outright discrimination on the basis of race and national origin limit Asian workers’ entry into many sectors. Asian workers are concentrated in restaurants and hotels, personal services, household services and health care. Many health care providers lost incomes and cut jobs because doctors’ offices and hospitals had to close during lockdowns and because patients put off elective procedures out of fear of infection. A wide range of low-wage and high-wage sectors, where Asian workers are concentrated, took a hit during the pandemic.

The burden of unemployment has also fallen harder on Asian women than on Asian or White men due to the intersection of racial, ethnic, and gender discrimination. Asian women started with one of the lowest unemployment rates pre-pandemic at 3.0% but experienced the greatest change in unemployment during the recession, peaking at 16.4% in May. The unemployment rate for Asian women was 7.3% in November, well above the 6.2% for Asian and White men. Much of this difference stems from women working more in especially affected industries such as restaurants, hotels, and personal services, but also across the health care spectrum than is the case for Asian men.

The unemployment gap is especially large among married women. Married Asian women had an unemployment rate in November that was almost twice as high as that of married White women, 7.1% compared to 3.8%.

For much of the pandemic, older Asian women suffered especially large job losses. From March to June 2020, the unemployment rate for Asian women from 55 to 64 years old averaged 15.1%. This rate was higher than for any group of men or other groups of women in those ages. It was also higher than for Asian women 25 to 54 years old. In contrast, the unemployment rate for older White, Black and Latina women was lower than that of younger women during those months. The initial large job losses among older Asian women likely reflected especially large job losses in restaurants, hotels and other services in metro areas, where Asian-Americans tend to be more represented than in other areas.

As the recession lingered, the unemployment rate for younger Asian women, those 25 to 54 years old, eventually exceeded that of older Asian women. While the employment of older Asian women recovered most of its lost ground over the summer and into the fall, from June to November, employment gains were much slower for younger Asian women during that time. As a result, the employment to population ratio of 62.0% for younger Asian women was 5.1 percentage points lower than it was in February 2020. In comparison, the employment to population ratio for older Asian women was 54.2 percent and 3.7 percentage points lower than in February of this year. All Asian women continued to suffer in the slowing labor market recovery, but the slow job gains are especially noticeable among younger Asian women. This likely reflects a slower job recovery in sectors, where younger Asian women work, such as health care and services such as laundries, personal care and household services.

Unemployment is widespread among Asian workers with often dim prospects for finding a new job. As the labor market recovery is losing steam and could soon end, long-term unemployment, which is more widespread among Asian workers, will continue to wreak havoc on people’s livelihoods. Yet Congress is about to let extended unemployment benefits lapse at the end of December after failing to expand added benefits when they expired in July. Congressional inaction is adding to insult to injury, which impacts many Asian lower-income workers worse than White ones.

More from Retirement in Perfectirishgifts

[lmhwanwoong]

     {{ Dream ;; originally performed by Kim Minjae & Younha ;; Rap cover by Park Jinwoo }}

It had been a whim more than anything. A month had already passed if he wasn’t mistaken, but even now the flier advertising for NOVA still resided upon his desk in the small apartment he had to call his home. He could easily consider it a curse, a constant reminder that no matter how hard he worked he was not likely to ever be good enough, but it also carried with it the constant thought of ‘what if?’

If he worked just a bit harder, could he too become someone grand? If he pushed himself just a bit further?

He tried his best to convince himself that as long as you called your dreams ‘ambitions’, they would already be something more, something grander, for no matter how much you tried a dream could never be more than a dream. He wouldn’t claim to be an experienced rapper -- far from -- but he also liked to believe that he actually had a sense for it, even though most of what he knew was self taught. Unlike his dancing, he felt the rapping on a different level. He loved dancing more than anything else, but could he truly go anywhere if he never delved into other areas as well? The person he admired was a multi-talent and in comparison Park Jinwoo was a nobody, even less than a nobody, but even this nobody was going to change his fate and pave his own way ahead. If he didn’t was there truly a point to anything?

As he turned on the camera, he couldn’t help but take a sharp inhale into the microphone he had strapped to his ear. With a slight shiver he let his voice resound.

“I thought that I could reach them: the moments that I’d dreamed of.”

It was scary -- terrifying to say the least. It wasn’t like Jinwoo wasn’t used to have focus on him: he had already participated in various competitions through the dance school, but this was different, this was more permanent. He could simply not upload it, he told himself that various times, but at the same time some small part of him wanted the recognition, wanted for people to see and hear him as he laid his heart bare.

“I thought that if I didn’t give up and kept going, that if I’d given it my all I’d see stars before me and that I’d finally accomplish my dream.”

Where he had come across this song he wasn’t even sure anymore. Maybe it was in the radio, maybe it was in passing in TV, but although he hadn’t thought about it at the time some part of it had stuck with him, refused to leave him. When he had later returned to it and looked up the lyrics, it had just moved him so much. He wouldn’t really call it his type of song as he usually was more into hiphop and songs with a good edm beat, but the lyrics touched him. He knew that if he one day had to perform a song of own choice, this had to be it.

“I prayed every day as I only ever looked forward and ran and hoped that there would be a light at the end of this dark, dim tunnel. I was consumed by hope, and ran and ran. Yes, I wanted to see that bright light.”

As he got engrossed in the beat of the song his voice had steadied, thankfully so as he wasn’t sure he would be able to pull himself together to attempt a second recording, or even a third or a fourth. He would lose his resolve and become too overwhelmed by the insecurity should it come to a point where he lost his focus and left the good zone he was in right now.

“So why, why does it feel like I’m still in the same place and that I’m lacking? In order to run again I have to endure and get back up.”

The music track shifted tone and the beat picked up signalling for him to increase the power of his voice, and with it, Jinwoo couldn’t help but let in a bit of the frustrations he could give voice to through these lyrics. He was far from the only one, he knew that very well. Any youth his age had probably been feeling the same, heck, even any adult. He was still only 19 years old, but in the business he aimed for that was already quite the age and it was scary. The thought that his ambition was over before it had even began. The thought that life would simply just keep stomping onward, leaving him in the dust behind, never able to keep up, never able to amount to something.

“But there are so many parts of reality that are so hard to bear; it feels like I’m being forced off my feet, onto the ground. I’m trying my best to bear it because I don’t want to lose, and this is a dream that I want to sacrifice everything in order to achieve. So why is it getting harder for me as I try harder? Why isn’t anyone acknowledging my earnestness? Why am I being toyed with? I don’t ask for much, I just want this one thing. But the more time passes, the more I sit in defeat.”

Words of bitter sentiment left his lips, and frankly he had forgotten all about the camera at this rate, and it felt as any other of his private practise sessions although usually the songs he would attempt didn’t carry this much personal meaning to him. A dancer by heart, his body moved on its own to the beat, but the amount of breath he needed in order to push out the lyrics prevented him from going all out, as was for the best as dancing was not the intended purpose of this recording. He wanted for others to see a side to him that he didn’t usually share, and hopefully gain at least a bit of confidence in another area than just a single one. In school he wasn’t really anything special, at his job he was a stable worker, but one could only do so much as a shop attendant. On the dance floor he could create a whole new him, a person who actually had the ability to impress others, and he wanted to do so in other ways as well. Another sharp intake of breath sounded as Jinwoo prepared for the big finale.

“Why should I have to accept the responsibilities that this world has created for me? Why should I have to endure all this pain? The world won’t leave me alone, and that isn’t my fault. That’s what I’ve said, but all I’ve done was hide and run. Because I’m at a loss, if there is a God, please hear me out! I hate that this is the only thing I can do. I can only tread this thorny path with my bare feet. But I close my eyes and shout in my heart: “I pray for my dream”.”

His breathing ragged Jinwoo simply kept silent for a moment, mirroring the imposing silence that was left as the music cut off. He only had the instrumental for the first verse as he had no intentions of showcasing the entire song (beside he didn’t have a vocalist for the chorus, and if he attempted to do so himself, he was more than convinced that the entire thing would definitely be ruined) but in the first place he hadn’t even anticipated to make it this far. He was sure that he’d have given up by now, realised that it was a bad idea and stopped the recording. What on earth was he supposed to do now?

More awkwardly than he had intended, he gave off a bow to finish off, and hesitantly, confused even, he spoke a greeting, only now wondering if he should have initiated with one as well. “Thank you for listening this far,” he began not knowing what he was even going to say. “This is, urr, my first time trying to rap on a public platform so I hope you will keep supporting me from now on. My name is Park Jinwoo, please keep an eye out for me in the future. Fighting!” If that wans’t the most cliched and predictable ending ever he didn’t know what was, and quite frankly he wanted to bury himself in a hole. As he turned off the camera he was quite sure that his cheeks had flushed partly from the embarrassment, but partly because the entire situation was starting to truly hit him and he would have to upload this thing quick or he never would pull through with it.

Hopefully none of his friends would ever come across it.

[julystorms]

Mike & Nanaba: The Rooftop Scene

And Why It Feels So Empty 

(...at least, compared to the manga)

DISCLAIMER:  IMO, YMMV, et cetera and so on.

I’m going to cut right to the chase, here, because I don’t want to waste time: the reason the rooftop scene and therefore also Mike’s death fell flat is because Nanaba’s role on the roof with Mike was diminished and lacked emotional connection.

(Comparison under the cut. Images, spoilers for the episode and comparative manga chapter.)

In the manga, Nanaba is distressed and afraid. She goes to Mike for comfort and when he sees she needs it, he gives it to her. In his own way.

Nanaba: We... We failed to discover the identities of the Colossus Titan and the Armored Titan, or even to assess the enemy’s combat strength... This day is the result. Nanaba: We’ve lost... Humanity has lost... Mike: ... Mike: No... Not yet.

Mike: Humanity’s first defeat will come only when we stop fighting. As long as we keep fighting, we haven’t lost.

(I’ll include the panels above these, too...)

Nanaba: What we’ve done to the 104th is inexcusable. We doubted them... And now we’ve thrown them into this situation complete defenseless. Nanaba: Ugh... I can’t let them see me like this. Mike: Come... Now we fight.

Nanaba is genuinely distressed. If you didn’t gather as much from her posture and the empty panels where Mike just watches her, then her admission of it comes when she says, “I can’t let them see me like this.”

She is frazzled and scared and it’s not a peer she goes to. It’s not the kids she goes to. She doesn’t even try to deal with this on her own. She goes to Mike.

This situation is terrifying. Titans in Wall Rose? There’s one explanation. Nanaba was already with the Corps five years ago when Maria was breached. She probably thinks that is what they are dealing with now and she knows what will happen if it is. She’s scared. This is the end of the world to her and probably to a lot of others. This is another case of “a lot of people are going to die and I’m going to have to watch it.” This is “I remember what happened last time and I haven’t forgotten the food shortages.” This is also, “this is happening when we have a bunch of defenseless teenagers with us because we didn’t trust them.”

Nanaba’s distress is the most important part of this scene. It needs to be palpable. We need to feel exactly what she’s feeling: hopeless and afraid. 

But in the anime, we get this...

She looks like she’s puzzling over the next move in a game of chess instead of, you know, feeling at the end of her rope in desperate need of some human comfort.

Back to the manga, though: Nanaba’s distress moves Mike to say A Big & Important Thing. Something he later thinks of when he’s about to give up--when he himself is in need of comfort. In remembering it, he’s making a connection not just to his own words, but to Nanaba, too.

The implication in the manga that Nanaba goes to Mike with her fear because she’s in need of comfort from him is an ideal thing to include in a series about the human condition and about human emotion/function. 

Nanaba is a veteran soldier. She’s seen a lot of stuff and yet this incident makes her feel hopeless; this news about the titans shatters her idealism. It’s so good to see because S1 first gave us the “vets” (Levi and Hange in particular) as these flippant careless shrug-emoji characters who aren’t phased by death or titans. But this--this shit is real. This is something we hadn’t really gotten in the series before: veteran characters from the Corps who are afraid. And the rooftop scene was an integral part of the characters. Fundamental, I’d argue, in understanding them. They trust each other, they have faith in each other, they’re on equal ground regardless of rank (Nanaba and Gelgar call Mike by name not by rank!), and most importantly, this scene shows us the kind of leader Mike is: he cares about his subordinates! The others do, too, but the way Mike goes about it is different. He’s not loud about it, but he is passionate. That bolded font doesn’t show up when he’s screaming orders in the next panel. We’re meant to read them differently, here. He’s sharing a part of himself with Nanaba in that scene. He really believes what he’s saying--this is real! And because of this, because it’s genuine and passionate, because she knows he means it and believes it, Nanaba is able to believe it, too.

So it carries weight when Mike thinks back to it later, when he needs comfort and can’t find it, when he is the one scared and afraid. Again, he makes a connection to Nanaba and therefore to human relationships and humanity’s desperate need to fight on. Connections. They’re so important and necessary because these characters don’t exist in a void; people do not exist exclusive of one another. 

Leaving out the bit about Nanaba not wanting the kids to see her “like this” takes away the fact that she is clearly distressed, makes her seem strategic or thoughtful instead of on the brink of giving up, and that forces Mike’s speech to her to feel misplaced and uninspired.

But with it, we see important connections, soldier to soldier, person to person. She’s comfortable allowing him to see her at her weakest and most vulnerable. She goes to him like this willingly and shares her insecurities with him of her own free will. She trusts him. Completely.

And it’s not a kiss she needs; it’s not a romantic confession, not a hug. She needs something honest and genuine and inspiring: a reason to fight on that is bigger than she is--bigger than the both of them. We feel her need because we’re up there with her on that roof watching the end of the world begin. She’s a veteran soldier! She’s supposed to be above this! But she’s not. She’s just a person after all...and she can’t help how she feels--she can’t help but be afraid. 

But she trusts Mike, so she takes it all to him.

And her trust..it’s not misplaced; he takes the time and the energy to understand what she needs from him and responds accordingly.

We already knew she trusted him, we already knew they were on equal ground, but this shows us that he cares about her and that he feels passionately about something. And this passion, this caring: it creates another connection between them. They are two frightened people supporting one another and working together in a world that seems to be working against them.

Allowing for that connection would have made Mike’s death hit much harder in the anime. We didn’t really need excessive gore and screaming and blood to feel the loss of him as a character and we definitely didn’t need it to be afraid of the Beast Titan. Gore is so empty in the end. It doesn’t mean anything. There is no lasting impact without human connection.

If we had felt that Mike was connected to other characters, his death would have had an impact on the audience even if it had only remained implied as it did for a long time in the manga.

But the bluster of gore and screaming and tears, above and beyond what we saw in the manga... It didn’t do anything. It didn’t add anything. It just felt empty and, I think, took away from both characters.

Meaningful characterization goes a long way in producing a deep, emotional narrative, in giving us a world we want to save, in giving us characters we want to believe and trust in to save it.

[netherwar-rpg-blog]

Welcome to the Wardens, Rae! Your application for a MAGE OC has been accepted with a Kang Han-na FC.

It was a genuine delight to read through this wonderful application. It’s fantastic to have more characters hailing from the faraway lands of Tauran Empire who are also involved with the Dawnish Mages! You really brought the Surana family to life as a powerful Mage family who have adapted to Dawnstar wonderfully and wield a high noble reputation which can be seen in Dovessi’s mannerisms. It’s really great to read how Dovessi holds an interest in the arcane talents, something she is very talented in, but is growing more interested in the mysterious methods of blood magic. This will create a lot of interesting plots for sure! With the world becoming more volatile, it’s probably the best time for a Mage to experiment on blood magic with so many undead running about! She’s going to be an excellent addition to the Wardens and I cannot wait to see how she develops over the storyline!

The application can be found under the cut. You have 48 hours to create a roleplay account (cannot be a sideblog) for your character and we will be updating our opening date soon!

O O C - I N F O

Name: Rae Age: Eighteen Timezone: GMT+1 Activity Level: I’d like to say daily but ah, most likely around three-four days a week! Extra: N/A

C H A R A C T E R - I N F O

T H E - B A S I C S

Name: Dovessi Surana Gender: (cisgender) Female Age: 57 Class: Mage Faceclaim: Kang Han-na

C H A R A C T E R - D E T A I L S

Nationality: Dawnish (Tauran Empire originally)

Appearance: Dovessi’s appearance holds traditionally true with her noble heritage – unblemished, clear complexion, good posture and a general tendency to be well-groomed. A finely sculpted porcelain face and dark brown hues, she holds a rather intimidating stare, though only as intimidating as it can be when matched with her youthful looks. The only exception to an otherwise clear complexion is a faded – though noticeable – scar across her eye and left cheek, which she does not appreciate being questioned about. Speaking in a low, smooth tone, she can hold quite a presence in conversation, in addition to her tall stature, as it is strange to find her in a situation in which she does not speak with an admittedly quite confidence and a sureness in herself (easily matched by her slight sense of pride/overconfidence). Despite her noble house being focused highly in keeping up appearances of valour and beauty, she does not care so much for the way that she is perceived physically. She does not hold anything to do with her appearance dear to her and rarely cares for finery, which is why she can usually be found in simple clothing with bare/none accessories bar times in which she is around other members of her family.

Personality: 

[ + ] Intelligent – Dovessi’s shining attribute is her intelligence both rounded from her natural ability, educated heritage and her own rather ferocious thirst for knowledge. Even in comparison to most mages, she possessed a prodigy like level of understanding and intelligence from a young age which aided her greatly as she attempted to learn. Though she is more intelligent than many, she does have a tendency to overestimate herself, failing to realise that she is not more intelligent than all. [ + ] Witty – Possessing a well-rounded sense of wit, she has a certain tact for conversation, especially when it comes to presenting herself well and ‘above’ others when speaking through sense and quiet mockery. She has a decent way with words and talent in conversation learned from her family as she grew up and witnessed their way with words when it came to politics. [ + ] Ambitious – Always seeking to better herself in the way or magic and prove herself to those around her, Dovessi can be described as highly ambitious. Constantly working at herself to make herself what she would deem to be ‘better’ and successful, she applies herself heavily to her craft and impressing those around her in order to gain the respect that she craves from others. [ - ] Insecure – A main source of her downfall is her own insecurities. She does not bode well to not being received as successful nor does she view herself as such because of her upbringing, and therefore has little to no confidence in herself despite the front that she puts up. Stemming from this, she is prone to foolish displays of bravado and attempts to prove herself in situations that she cannot back-up – meaning she either frequently works herself to exhaustion or requires assistance from others to pull herself away from her troubles – which therefore puts her back into a detrimental cycle. [ - ] Patronising – Dovessi’s wit works as both her offence and her defense when it comes to her personal character though it is rarely ever well received, and usually rightly so. She has a tendency to come off as patronising and often appears to speak down to people as if to appear more righteous and confident to mask her insecurities. People rarely seem to find any delight in political or personal conversations with her. [ - ] Machiavellian – Dovessi has been surrounded by politics most of her life having hailed from a noble family and so learned the trick of the trade admittedly if not from afar. And from this, she sees political power as the most valuable asset above the power of the sword or magic. Seeing as she is not as seasoned or talented as other mages nor anywhere near as strong or stealthy as many of the other wardens, she constantly seeks to further her own advantages through politics and is constantly underhanded and cunning in order to prove herself to her family and those close, deeming her untrustworthy and malicious – though she does her best to keep her underhandedness a secret to others, for obvious reasons.

C H A R A C T E R - B A C K G R O U N D

History:

The Surana family boasted a family history of powerful, noble mages that would bring the family honour through each new thriving generation, and the final child to the head of the noble house, Dovessi was no exception to this rule. Though she became the black sheep of her house as she grew older, the prodigy was considered a problem even before her birth. The girl was to be the youngest of four though after many successive childbirths, her mother fell upon harder times when she was reaching the end of her pregnancy though pressed on with wanting to give birth, both she and her husband decided to take matters into darker hands to ensure the birth of their final child.

Through their connections forged through alliance and trade throughout the years, they were able to come into contact with a group of blood mages whom they trusted to help deliver their child in exchange for coin, having known them a century ago. They believed that the mages because of their speciality would be able to assist in some way (as this was what they were told, and they were so inclined to trust old allies despite their diverging life paths) though this was seldom the case and while Dovessi was born healthy, there was a cost of her mother’s life – the blood mages, holding grudges against her family that Dovessi is still unclear yet curious about to this day – as they paralyzed her father, murdered her mother and made away with a sizeable amount of gold but only a small loss to the family in comparison to the loss of the matriarch. Despite interference from priests and mages alike, her father never found any way to fully recover from that day, and from then, Dovessi was foreboded as the omen for the blight and downfall of the family – branding her as the black sheep of the family.

Growing up cast out by her three siblings and her father, Dovessi constantly attempted to prove herself though she never proved herself enough to succeed the other members of her family to the point at which she would be accepted closely into the family despite a prodigy-esque level of skill, and for her adolescent years she had little to no understanding of why she was pushed so far from her family. Most of her childhood was spent alone with her family frequently travelling and visiting other places in the land while she stayed at her family’s home in Dawnstar because of her father’s perceived blame and shame he held towards her. Unlike her siblings, she soon became aware that she would have little to no chance at becoming the head of their household, which was deemed important due to their prestigious, noble heritage, so instead she turned to tomes and studies in order to further herself as a mage – as the family did traditionally follow this way of life, and she then so assumed that by becoming powerful, respected student she would be able to be accepted in her close family though she was incorrect and no matter how far she progressed or surpassed her elder siblings, she was still kept far from the pleasantries of family life. And watching from afar, she slowly became insecure and jaded, yearning for respect and hungry for her own slice of power to achieve what had been held from her for so long.

At age sixteen, Dovessi was sent from her home to join the mages at Star Tower to hone her skills, and that she did. While she could not hold a candle to those who were her senior, among those who entered the Tower around her age/skill level, she did prove herself to be quite talented with the arcane arts. Though, as she grew more knowledgeable, though not skilled enough her interests always sided with the taboo. After learning of the truth of her family’s past with blood mages, the young mage became infatuated with learning about them despite them being mistrusted by almost all in society – dreaming of them, and yearning to know what they know (even though she was obviously under skilled, though she pressed she would become good enough to learn someday) hoping to be able to reclaim something in that power that her family had lost, and gain retribution for the death of her mother.

Not too soon after her fiftieth birth day, she left Star Tower in order to learn independently feeling rather cornered by her years in the tower when her thirst was for knowledge of the taboo of the arcane world. She nestled herself away near the Spine Mountains after she heard rumours of the walking dead around the area and decided that it would be the best place to satiate her curiosity. Though, Dovessi did not stay here particularly long as only a few years after settling she set off to join the Wardens, hoping that it would bring her honour that she yearned for from her childhood and bring her closer to her ultimate goal of knowledge.

Reason for joining the Wardens: Dovessi joined the wardens for two main reasons. Primarily, she believed that it would bring her enough respect that she would be able to rejoin her close family that she was cast out of due to the circumstances of her birth which has been a burden that has left her jaded throughout her life and secondarily, she believes that adventuring with the wardens will improve her knowledge of magic and hopefully push her in the direction of the blood mages that she has been seeking since the death of her mother (and her birth).

Desired Connections: [none]

R O L E P L A Y - S A M P L E

[ There have always been tales and songs of the walking dead. As your character huddles around a limp and fading campfire, they glimpse ghostly shapes through the forest’s trees. What do they do as the undead approach? ]

Her dark hues were only illuminated by the falling ash and fading flames before her.

The hard mountain winds blew particularly harsh that night and so, the fire faded just as quick as the icy breeze brushed over the mage’s porcelain skill. Nature was a shrewd host to her it seemed, none of her days travelling through the mountains had been particularly pleasant but that night marked the worst – though she had been telling herself this each passing night – with it drawing darker quicker and the freezing blizzards turning her skin akin to ice. Even though years prior the woman had made herself a home near the Spine Mountains, she was not so accustomed to the conditions after leaving it for a life closer to the wardens to reclaim the nobility that she feverishly argued that she was denied from birth. Nevertheless, a jaded, burning fury towards her family would not warm her any more than the dying fire would.

The area with its dangerous and rocky terrain was not somewhere that she enjoyed frequenting, even when she did live in closer proximity, but there was something that always drew her closer to the area and it was the whispers and tales of the undead in the area. The stories never settled in with the fear that it would with other travellers, but the taboo never sat right with her either, though her morbid curiosity for raising the undead and those who did was her secret and hers alone which was perhaps her reason for her lack of progress – it’s hard to track down blood mages as a basic mage without uttering a word, and with their stance in society she would hazard that those who practised would not have wanted to be found even by the most doe-eyed of wannabe apprentices.

But as the fire faded to ash and darkness, and her ears rang rough with faint sounds of movement within the nearby trees, a pang of panic made her heart almost burst out of her chest. More than most (she supposed), Dovessi was well-aware of the dangers of the area but she had taken the request to tread through some of it for alchemic ingredients for an old friend from the Star Tower (in exchange for some rather vaguely promised information that she would fine “of value”), then however, it had been proposed to her with the area having been dormant in relation to threat. The mage did not appreciate dishonesty, but regardless, she preferred to keep her head on her shoulders.

Tired eyes glazed over the forestry from which she heard the noise, and glimpsed over a crawling figure across the muddy, cold ground. There was no mistaking the undead, and that bloodied face with its empty shells of eyes would be the stuff of nightmares if she could find the will to sleep through an evening. Admittedly, some nights were better for her than others, and this looked to be a night where she would not be sleeping well at all, if not just for the unwelcomed company. Though, as far as her eyes could make out, this was (thankfully) not the rampant and highly dangerous type that people spoke stories of.

As it came closer into view, from a reasonable distance she glanced over the crawling corpse: blue skin from the cold peeling off of their face; hollow eyes gazing up at her with no emotion; skin and bone intertwined and unable to lay with another; teeth (or what was left of them) hanging out of its mouth and rotting away. It was no sight for a woman with sore eyes. And as it made a grumble and moan that she was sure no mortal could understand, the woman almost felt sorry for the creature. She had no idea whom the corpse could have been years ago but she hoped that their life could do them more justice than their death could. Even reanimated, it was no secret to Dovessi that the undead before her was only inches from death. It was tragic, in a way.

Drawing a dagger from her belt – it would have been ridiculous of her to wander so far from home without a weapon even if something small – she gingerly approached the corpse before stopping in front of it. There was no saving the dying being, she supposed, and even if there was, a person of her skill would not be able to even attempt to do it. Her gaze faltered off as she stabbed the dagger through the head of the dying undead, it was truly never a pleasant thing to do nor witness – it had to be done.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice wavered, looking over the corpse.

Her hand glazed over the eyes of the former being, closing them as she continued past it to find somewhere to camp. If the night was hard, the morning would be harder. She would need her strength, and the dead would need their rest.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Hey, I just read your meta on amy and eleven and omg it was beautiful. Do you have any thought on twelve/clara though ?

Hey there! Aw, thank you so much. I’m so glad you liked it. Eleven and Amy are one of my ultimate OTP’s so I loved writing it so much.

I actually stopped watching the show at the end of season 8, so my thoughts on Twelve and Clara won’t be nearly as developed or in-depth as they were for Eleven and Amy. Having said this, I’m more than happy to share my thoughts with you, but they will only be based upon what I know of them from season 8.

Twelve and Clara actually have a lot of parallels with Eleven and Amy, but particularly regarding the whole what are they question. Are they friends, family or more? Are their feelings for one another platonic or romantic? Personally, I would define their relationship as ‘it’s complicated’, because boy, is it complicated. There is, however, an easy way to simplify it.

With Eleven, things for Clara were completely uncomplicated. She was instantly taken with him, she respected him, was in awe of him, she utterly adored him. There was never any question of that from her, Eleven or us as the audience. But then the Doctor regenerated.

Clara’s reaction to it was negative, to say the least. She was confused, resistant and she was grieving. That’s what’s often taken for-granted when the Doctor regenerates - although he doesn’t technically die, the Doctor he is at that particular time does die. The Doctor didn’t just regenerate into Twelve, Eleven died and Clara lost him. She was lucky enough to have one final phone call from him, but she never got to see him again, he was gone. Forever. She needed time to deal with that and to process it, which is fair and reasonable, but there was almost a feeling of hostility that was born from that moment that continued to bleed into Clara’s relationship with Twelve in season 8.

It’s a difficult subject to analyse and interpret, because the only comparison we have to draw on is Nine’s regeneration into Ten at the end of season 1 and Rose’s reaction to it. In the beginning she had a somewhat similar reaction to Clara: confusion, reluctance, resistance, sadness. She felt a sense of loss, just as Clara did, but I think the main difference is that Rose came to accept and realise that the Doctor was still the Doctor naturally. She saw it herself. She saw the Doctor in Ten, could feel that he was still there with her and when she realised that her behaviour towards Ten and her feelings for him were exactly the same as they were with Nine. That didn’t happen with Clara.

No matter what he said or did Clara just couldn’t see the Doctor in Twelve and Twelve even said himself:

“You look at me and you can’t see me. Have you any idea what that’s like? I’m not on the phone I’m right here. Standing in front of you. Please, just see me.”

The reason that Clara accepted the Doctor’s regeneration and finally embraced Twelve, is because Eleven told her to.

“The man you are with right now, the man I hope you are with, believe me he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now. And he needs you.”

The fact that Clara needed to speak to Eleven to hear those words from him to accept Twelve makes me wonder what would’ve happened if Eleven had never made that phone call. Also, Clara didn’t swing right back to being how she was with the Doctor before, her behaviour seemed different (not in a negative way, just different) and her feelings definitely were. I strongly believe Clara had romantic feelings for Eleven, but after regeneration that seemed to be gone. Clara even said herself in a conversation with Jenny:

“If Vastra changed, if she was different, if she wasn’t the person you liked…”

That made it clear how Clara felt about Twelve. She didn’t see the Doctor, she saw not Eleven. He wasn’t the person she liked anymore, he wasn’t the person she loved anymore. In a conversation Vastra actually called Clara out on that. Here are some important snippets:

“He looked like your dashing young gentleman friend. Your lover, even. But he is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold, he has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.”

She also goes on to make a point that Eleven looking young and flirting with Clara was for everyone, not her. It was something he did to be accepted.

“I wear a veil to keep from view what many are pleased to call my disfigurement. I do not wear it as a courtesy to such people, but as a judgement on the quality of their hearts. The Doctor regenerated in your presence. The young man disappeared, the veil lifted. He trusted you. Are you judging him?”

This that Vastra said makes a very important point, and points out one very fundamental thing that Clara didn’t seem to understand. The Doctor is the Doctor. Regardless of whether he’s Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve or any other Doctor before him, he is still the Doctor. But Clara only saw Eleven and the version of him she chose to see. His young appearance and energetic and playful spirit blinded her to who the Doctor really is. He’s a centuries old Timelord, with two hearts, he’s witnessed things that no one else has before, he is wiser and more knowledgeable than anyone she could ever hope to meet. He was not merely some young, handsome, quirky young man with a special box who whisked her away on adventures and gave her flirtatious stares. But that is who she thought he was and when he wasn’t, she didn’t like it. What’s more important is that as Vastra said, the Doctor trusted her. Trusted her to always be a faithful and loyal companion and friend, and although she was in terms of the fact that she never left him, she did temporarily abandon him, even if it was only emotionally.

I bet you wonder why I’m focusing on the regeneration much, but the reason is because this one event happened right at the very beginning of their meeting and I really think it shaped their relationship and essentially created a lot of the issues that followed them throughout season 8.

(I should also like to mention that although this seems so negative so far, I’m certainly not bashing Twelve and Clara’s relationship, which I consider to be so special and important. The positives, will be coming, I can assure you of that.)

So now that I’ve addressed the issues with the regeneration, I can get onto the ongoing issues I believe it created. In Twelve it created a deep rooted insecurity that made him feel unloved and unworthy of Clara. He knew how much she adored Eleven and he wasn’t that person anymore, through no choice of his own. It’s important to remember this: the Doctor never wants to regenerate. He doesn’t want to have to keep ‘dying’ and coming back as a completely new person that he has to get to know all over again and who the people around him have to reestablish a bond with again. Just think about how hard and emotionally exhausting it is to keep track of who you are throughout your life, to maintain friendships as you evolve and now imagine how much harder it would be if you were literally changing into someone different. That’s what the Doctor goes through all the time. Do you think he wants to? Of course not. He does it to stay alive, that’s the only reason. So bearing that in mind, do you really think the Doctor wanted to become Twelve? As Eleven he was young, he was handsome, he was fun-loving, but more importantly he was a person that Clara loved. So to lose that and have to become someone he never wanted or chose to be, was inevitably going to be difficult for him. In addition, regeneration is generally a hard slog, there’s a period of disorientation, confusion and adjustment. Then on top of all that, Clara essentially rejected the “new” him and changed towards him. That must’ve been so incredibly painful for him and something I don’t feel like he truly got over. Twelve is already different from Eleven and also Ten, in the way he handles his emotions. He’s a lot more closed off emotionally, so for Clara to hurt him like that so early on, it only closed him off even more since it made him doubt the one person he thought he could trust. Throughout season 8, Twelve seemed to keep Clara at a distance, more so than Eleven ever did and even though he always had Clara I couldn’t help but feel that most of the time he was alone. It’s hard to explain or justify why I felt this way, but I just saw a man who was carrying the heavy burden of constant heartache around with him and I think that’s because he wanted his relationship with Clara to be different. To be how it was before his regeneration.

As for Clara, I think that after receiving the phone call from Eleven she did accept Twelve as being the Doctor. She proved that she wasn’t the shallow person she appeared to be in 8x01 when she rejected him based on the fact he was older with grey hair and wrinkles. She continued to travel with him, to be his friend, to be the faithful companion the Doctor always expected her to be. But…it felt like there was always a sense of regret and sadness that Eleven was gone and Twelve was in his place, because I think in her mind she saw them as being separate people. I saw that in her relationship with Danny. Of course, the number of episodes she had with Eleven were limited so there wasn’t enough time for Clara to develop an outside relationship. Even still, it’s intriguing to me that she only seemed interested in maintaining a normal life on earth and engaging in a relationship after Eleven was gone. I can’t help but think that if Eleven had still been with her, she never would’ve fallen in love with Danny because she wouldn’t have even allowed herself to be in a position to because her heart would be with Eleven. And that was Clara’s issue: she was in love with Eleven and didn’t know how to feel or what to do once he regenerated. It makes sense, because it is confusing. Physically the Doctor had turned into an old man, affecting the attraction she had for him when he was Eleven and attraction is a part of the romantic feelings she had, so without it could it really be considered romantic love anymore? Then there’s the personality changes and let’s face it the jump from Eleven to Twelve was the biggest change in terms of both looks and personality that had or has happened so far. So there’s not just the issue of does she fancy him, but does she even like him? Then there’s the added confusion of knowing that technically Twelve is still Eleven, that he was still the Doctor, with the same memories and experiences. All of this must’ve been going through Clara’s head and driving her crazy, because she couldn’t decipher how the hell she was feeling and furthermore, she didn’t know how she should be feeling.

This dynamic is what is at the core of Twelve and Clara, I think, and is what makes them so interesting. It’s that whole idea of them being in love with each other in a very true and pure way, but circumstances have changed and it’s no longer right. Of course, from the Doctor’s perspective it never would’ve been right because despite outward appearances he is always aware that he’s over 900 years old and I don’t think he would morally engage in a relationship with a human so much younger than him. Nevertheless, the point is that as Eleven he felt comfortable flirting with Clara and perhaps indulging in more of the romance because he looked young, but as Twelve he could no longer do that. He even said to Clara,  “I’m not your boyfriend”. Why did he say that? A person would only say that to someone if they knew that there were romantic undertones to their relationship that needed to be addressed and avoided. He was essentially telling her, “Whatever might have been between us, whatever we felt before, nothing came of it and now nothing can.” To me, that was Twelve trying to save his own feelings, of drawing a line in the sand and trying to accept that nothing more could ever happen between him and Clara. And that was a constant source of pain for him, particularly since I think that he fell completely in love with Clara as Twelve.

I already touched upon the idea of the Doctor imprinting on the first face he sees after regeneration in my meta about Eleven and Amy, and “the first face this face saw” bond is a canon aspect of Eleven and Amy’s relationship, but it’s also an important element of Twelve and Clara’s relationship too. Now, this is a completely personal opinion that’s likely affected by the fact that Eleven and Amy are my OTP, but I didn’t interpret Eleven to be in love with Clara. He adored her, she was his friend, he valued her, he enjoyed flirting with her and I also think he liked knowing that she felt romantically towards him, but I believe that’s where it ended. The Doctor falling in love with Clara didn’t come until Twelve. In season 8, I saw that Clara meant everything to Twelve, even if Clara didn’t (which she often didn’t) and I saw a man that was heavily invested in everything to do with her, even more so than Eleven was. Why? Because she was the first face his face saw. No one can convince me that anyone other than Amy Pond was the most important person in the universe to Eleven and likewise, no one can convince me that anyone other than Clara Oswald was the most important person in the universe to Twelve. Clara is the person Twelve refused to leave behind, she’s the one he invested everything in, she’s the one whose safety he put above anything and everything.

I think at times during season 8 Twelve’s love for Clara could easily have been interpreted as unrequited, but as the season went on I began to see that despite her relationship with Danny or life on earth, Clara was still very much clinging to the Doctor. We were made to believe that Clara accepted Twelve by the end of 8x01, but she didn’t. It was a process that I felt took place across the entirety of season 8 and with each day she was with him, she grew to know the new parts of Twelve, but also caught sight of the old parts of Eleven. This enabled her to fall in love with him all over again, not as Eleven this time or even Twelve, but as the Doctor. And that is another special aspect of Twelve and Clara’s relationship - by experiencing the regeneration process Clara got to know the Doctor more deeply, because she didn’t know just one version of the Doctor, but two. Much the same as River, who has met three versions of him, it strengthens their love for the Doctor because it’s a more real perception of who he is. Whether he likes it or not, regeneration and every generation from the First Doctor up to the Twelfth Doctor is a part of The Doctor and it’s important to know and understand that.

It saddens me that I can’t go even further with this, because I know Twelve and Clara’s relationship developed even more in season 9 and became even more profound and multi-layered. However, I can still confidently say that my true opinion on Twelve and Clara is that their relationship, like every relationship between the Doctor and his companions, is utterly unique and special. Although I think they had more issues than perhaps any other Doctor and companion before them, they had an incredibly special bond and there was such an immense amount of love between them. Was that love romantic? I believe aspects of it were. But due to the complicated circumstances, I don’t think their romantic feelings would’ve ever been enough for them to act on it. Even still, they understood and realised that they needed each other, so they pushed that aside. That’s how important they were to each other. So important that they didn’t care to analyse what they were or how they felt, they just knew they wanted and needed each other in their lives. That’s why I think rather than trying to label what they felt for each other or put them in a box, it’s more fitting to acknowledge that they loved each so other deeply and unconditionally, and that it kept them together against all the odds for a long time.