#so ill do it monday/tuesday
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new brahim fic pls read it and tell me what u think xoxoxo love u all <33333
#sol talks#ALSO RODRYGO SMAU ANON I SEE YOU#gonna be real busy for the weekend#so ill do it monday/tuesday#love u
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they need to invent an emoji of a guy in a hole that resembles the grave but isnt
#now imagine i said this but had switched urls to cockroachwarrior bc spiritually this post belongs there#but i am attached to this url so as much as id like to i fear ill never change#cavetext#anyway hows everyone doing on this here climbing out of the hole that resembles the grave but isnt monday#(it is tuesday but i havent gone to bed yet)#muted post
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luke my boy why are you so hard to draw
#justewips#i like his head it's. the rest of him i don't like#it's fine !!!! i can just. crop it or something if it doesnt improve ....#wanted to do a bit more but its like. 4am so i shoukd try sleep probablt !#i guess i have like. almost 2 days to finish this assuming i post it late on monday ...#i Should be able to finish it since i already did the flora one + i want this to look. Similar . hm#if i dont finish it for monday ill judt post it on tuesday and pretend triton tuesday is a thing ^_^#wil talks
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#life update#so i had a first round interview for a teaching job#it was with the school i worked for last year as a long term sub/building sub#i knew both of the people interviewing me which was nice and knew a lot about the school#i want to be hopeful because the school has a good track record of employing people who do what i did#im just nervous#its a new principal#so he could want things a lot different than they were#also because the last principal loved me for stepping up into the job i took#fingers crossed#hopefully i get a call on monday or tuesday but ill probably be an anxious wreck till then#love yall#thanks for reading
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i want to pick a specific day to be my Weekly Cafe Day but i haven't landed on one yet.......
#i wanna go today which is why im thinking about it#they don't open til 12 bc it's sunday but still#i think its working tho bc i wanna write which is why i wanna go#which was!! the plan all along!!!#to make it so i write when im there!!!#but i think either monday or tuesday will be my OFFICIAL day to go#bc i cant do wednesday since thats trivia#and i think i prefer earlier in the week just bc towards the end of the week i will have less energy#and thus be more likely to try and skip it since ill be tired#but anyway >:D#shh ac
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had an amazing interview yesterday.... was told I'd know by Monday.... but it's alleged they DRUG TEST and I just bought 6 packs of weed edibles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#AND!!!!! AND!!!!!! IVE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!#i guess ill know monday if i can get high that night or tuesday but like.... i want to have one now lmao#like.... the paper i signed was more worried about being drunk on the jo#and OBVIOUSLY i wouldnt show up to my folder customer service job high off my ass..... but that thc can stay in your system for awhilw#i had one last nigbt tk celebrate the interview so idk if im even in the clear to begin with#and like.... i told them my start date would ve the 20th & im out of town vefore that so the goal is like.... they go to achedule#and we have to schedule it way out so i have time to like.....not worry & get my pee clean#like.... it wouldnt matter so much if my parents werent LEAVING this E N T I R E week... like.... this is MY vacatioj too!!!!!#and i just bought it after a horrid week 😭😭😭😭😭 worked my ass of it for it in order to relax this week#like#i know i shouldnt be dependent on it and im really trying not to ve#but the anti-anxiety relaxing of it all helps so much#and im reeeeeally not the biggest fan of drinking....i pee too much 😭😭😭😭😭 ironically 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like.... at this point.... its like..... do i care about getting this job more than i care about letting my brain and body relax this week#i always put myself first & listen to my heart & soul to dictate what to do#but my mind just keeps thinking about getting that failed drug test back and going back to the job hunt#but im still IN the job hi t#*hunt#AND HERES THE THING!!!! walking around that damn office.... seeing what people were wearing.....#its professional but i know damn well theres people in there smoking weed#like.... 25 of the 50 employees i saw showed up in casual loungepants these people are not prestigious#and like.... the paper i signed.... they didnt even edit to include the company name????#it kept saying “the Company will not like you to drink on the clock and assumes you will not get behind company vechiles drunk either”#like.... tooooootally understandable i just wanna eat some edibles before im an official employee of your folder business my loves#let me have a 50mg and zone out for the night while im finally free from all these losers..... PLEASE#anyways......personal problems that my brain needs to expel so it doesnt tumble all around for the next few houes#WHILE I DOORDASH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck me#like..... i got this interview through indeed ill just keep going till i cant if it fails
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my mom has known for 2+ hrs that my head i hurting yet she was dissapointed and surprised that i said i wanted to go home (the hotel) after being outside and traveling around teruel the entire day
#i think she also doesnt take into account that ive been traveling around teruel since wednesday#like maybe JUST MAYBE i wanna sit at home doing nothing. instead of traveling all the time.#like monday tuesday and wednesday ill have to travel again#and the sunday im going to madrid. so idk. i just wanna sit tight SOMEWHERE instead of always being on the go??? perhaps????????#z xarre
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#my fault for saying yes technically but my manager asked if i can come in today bc someone called out#i was asking about my schedule and she was like 'im adding you to monday' (i was only scheduled tomorrow and tuesday)#and when i asked 'so im not coming in today right?' bc nothing about that was mentioned she said we'll see what my hours#were for the past week#so#guess im going into work :')#as stated my fault for saying yes but in my mind i 1) could have just not and assumed i wouldnt be scheduled#2) the more hours i work rn the more im paid AND it makes up for how much less ill be paid come august (ill only be able to work a certain#number of hours) and 3) i technically didnt have plans today (i had 1 but its a plan that could be any day of the week)#so im just gonna double check w my manager later that the rest of my week is set/im not gonna be coming in after tuesday#bc i would like to plan the rest of my week and do stuff w family as well as just. yknow. personal projects#anYWHO#my period's also supposed to be soon so thats another factor to my not wanting to work but that one is an easy one to ignore lol#amber's shit you can ignore
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my inability to complete straightforward tasks efficiently when i literally have nothing else going on to keep me from doing so and had plenty of time to take care of them is once again making me nauseous with stress on this fine 11:48pm
#rahhhhhhh why didnt i do this last weeeekkk i was like oh ill wait for the weekend#and then my dad was like oh i need help with other stuff#so i did that through monday but STILL couldve gotten this done on tuesday and wednesday if id been smarter abt it im sure
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mental illness shame spiral blast upon me
#i told everyone i was gonna do homework for like 3 days straight but spent a day just hanging out and then a day doing chores + going to#a friends house and today i got 4 hrs of sleep on an air mattress and my leg hurt so bad i barely slept but i ran errands anyway#and i set some stuff up and hung out with my parents a bit and i just am so unbelievably tired now#i’m trying to do homework but i can’t form any thoughts about it bcuz i’m so tired. and its due tuesday so i could technically keep pushing#it off but like. i told everyone i would do it today wahhhhhhhh and i can’t do it tomorrow i’m busy and that only leaves monday and i don’t#want to have to do the whole thing on monday cuz then it’ll take me like 4 hrs#i just know trying to do it now isn’t going to work. SHIT i forgot i’m supposed to help w a different project on monday i fucking hate#the last part of the semester i hate college why can’t classes be like 6 hrs long and there’s no homework#thanks. i guess my only options are not do it and feel so horrendously guilty for the rest of the evening i literally can’t do anything els#or try to keep doing it and keep failing. guess ill die or something
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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NEW HBOMBERGUY VIDEO IS 4 HOURS... DIOS MIO
#ensposts#ill try n watch it..... maybe monday..... i have to go out to my folks n do laundry so. either monday or tuesday
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did some good progress on my wizard robe today
#wind howls#it took me a while to look for a pattern. every single result was either costly or hp related and i wanted neither#in the end i threw caution to the wind and just kinda. made it up as i went#im happy to report that it went pretty well !#and i made a really good hood for my robe ! from scratch ! no pattern ! and its lined and hemmed#and im Very proud of it :3#i wont be able to work on it tomorrow... but ill be working on it this weekend. ill add the hems to the sleeves and robe before-#i connect the side seams. itll look clean hopefully.... but i do have to trim the bottom of the robe first. its far too long lol#ill also add a middle panel thats yellow bc thats my secondary color :) then ill make the wizard hat#and if i have time left... ill add constellations and stars all around the robe. ideally sewn. if not ill either not do it or paint them on#but i also have an animation to finish and hand in by monday so i really should work on that first. thats a priority#and after all. halloween is on tuesday and i only have class at 2 pm#so if i wake up early then i can add more details and whatnot. i got this. im happy !!
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SO fucked up that when u study languages they also make u study architecture history and ant biology and economy and european politics hierarchy so by the end of the semester i still cant tie a proper sentence in any language but sure i can differentiate the neo gothic style from rococo or tell you what a bull market is
#shut up dave#im tired im tired im tired i dont care abt any of this#i mean i do enjoy architecture and art periods. i dont want to be required to know all of them#i have an exam tomorrow and one on sunday and one on wednesday and one on next saturday#then on monday and tuesday and the following saturday and monday too#and frankly. im only confident i can pass 3 maybe 4 of them#for the rest??? idk ill need to study and im very bad at that#but hey we got the grades back from the first exam!! the one i took last week and i got a 9 yippeee#that is out of 10#it was in german interpreting n like. genuinely. im good enough at consecutive interpreting that i dont think theres a way 4 me to fail#like even if i mess it up i cant do THAT bad#i had to do it 4 english today and i think i fucked up sooo big it was so embarrassing. but then we got to the critique of my performance#and. it was all the usual nitpicks? like few word choices#the occasional discordance with adjectival conjugation. few points that 'havent clearly come across'#in my mind i had missed like a whole half of the speech but apparently it was p good still#now the problem is. same prof who teaches that subject also teaches specialized languages#and im. very bad at that one for simple reason that i have not processed any information all year#um maybe next time dont make your class about the stock market? idk just a suggestion. i dont care for wallstreet or whatever.#tho to b fair i didnt care for the european parliament last year either so ig u just cant win me on those terms#but if we get to specializing on the judiciary field i think i wouldnt be able to keep ignoring it. because of the circumstances#i have two more shirt designs to finish before the month ends but as u can see school wants me dead at the same time#one of said designs is a full 7 character thing :/#and the other. well ive already made 3 thumbnails for it and nothing rly clicks the way i want it to
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hit a wall. want to do nothing. still have one (1) thing to do
#might push it off til wednesday...#monday and tuesday are packed#and its really not on a time/schedule#urgh but im feeling so guiiiilty#okay well guilt isnt generally a usefull emotion esp when pushing this off does no harm#and im working on accepting when my adhd enforces its limits#okay. okay. its fine ill do it wednesday
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i feel rly irredeemably horrible rn...longing for emotional support....anyway vent in tags
#physically i feel so ill etc . and i have to catch up on so much#and i just got a grade back for an assignment and it wasnt a 1st and literally almost . cried bc#it rly was supposed 2 be. i dont have my housing sorted out for next yr and i am rly worried#i look hideous rn bc my face is rly swollen and it was a fat transfer so u dont get to see results for like#6 months but mostly the swelling should settle in like a month but that means i will just look#kind of monsterous for a while. i cant do archery anymore bc it involves heavy weights ig which im supposed to not do#and its like as soon as i find smth i like it is taken away...i feel . like shit. etc. and according to the clinic it is Not Normal to be#so weak. have to get lasik in a few days while still recovering from transfer + nose surgery so i literally#feel like my body is going to give out but also idk if i will find time to catch up on stuff etc i feel likr my brain is rotting#i basically have no support system rn except my gf bc my friends are all so busy w their own stuff#which is also v bad. like i cannot rely on her as my sole source of emotional support#feels like academics etc have taken a backseat this yr so far and that is Horrible like i need that to not be the case#but im too nauseous and weak etc to sit up for prolonged periods of time taking notes#taking 7 antibiotics a day etc..idk . i have to travel 6hrs#tmrw then have lasik on monday then travel back 6hrs the same afternoon or tuesday morning#like i legit already feel like my body is giving out idk how i will do this. and i feel so incredibly alone throughout#all of this . idk.#genuinely i am turning into a black hole and if things get bad again i will lose it . i hate this feeling i hate the#marked loneliness that comes b4 things spiral downwards and this feels like it#that was a lot ✌️ anyway if any1 has any advice or words to share or anytjing to say ever pls do#i need human interaction soooo badly#personal
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