#so if i would rather reread the book than watch part two of the latest adaptation......... maybe i really did not care for part one

[echthr0s]

me considering watching Dune Part Two and realising I'd legitimately rather reread Dune

[badboyjuyeon]

me plus you

Pairing: Eric x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 4.6k

Summary: You have to tutor Eric in calculus, but you’re struggling in calculus and Eric doesn’t actually need help.

This was not happening. You rubbed your eyes again as if that was going to change the 0/100 that you received from missing your latest calculus quiz. It didn’t matter how many A’s you got in your past quizzes, a zero would definitely damage your grade. You shoved the test in your bag and made your way towards the teacher’s desk. 

“I missed yesterday’s class so I had no idea that I missed this quiz. Is there any way that I can make this up?” You asked your teacher, hoping that she might spare some pity and excuse this quiz. This was out of character for a straight-A student like yourself and you knew that she had a soft spot towards you. 

“Unfortunately, it was a unit quiz and you missed it. If you read the syllabus, it explicitly states that there are no make-up opportunities...” She began in a stern voice which eventually turned softer when she noticed the panicked look on your face. “...But knowing how you have always done well in this class, I would be willing to offer extra credit if you join the tutoring center.” 

“Consider it done!” You gave your best fake smile as you tried not to think of all the free time you were about to lose. It was your fault, after all, for sleeping in on the day you knew you would have the quiz. Maybe you turned off your alarm because you were struggling in the last few classes and scared to receive a failing grade. Maybe you closed your eyes for “five more minutes” because you didn’t know how to ask for help since you’ve never needed to before. 

As you turned to leave, you noticed Eric Sohn push his way from the back of the classroom. He avoided eye contact with the teacher as if that would make him invisible.

“Eric I would like to meet with you.” Your teacher called out to him as he had one foot out of the doorway. 

“Aww man, I was so close to escaping.” He muttered under his breath. You bit back a smile at his comment and watched him step back into the classroom. You brushed past him as you left to go sign up for the tutoring center. Eric envied you for being able to walk free, while he was going to be stuck getting yelled at. 

“Eric, you’ve been failing all of the recent quizzes. I spoke with your coach and we agreed that you can’t play on the team unless your grades improve.” She shook her head in disappointment. 

Eric could not believe what he was hearing. All his practice would have gone towards nothing. He could feel his dreams of becoming a professional baseball player slip away, all because of this one stupid class. “I promise I’ll do better on the next one, just please let me stay on the team.” 

Your teacher sighed, “You said that the last time. You still haven’t taken up my recommendation of going to the tutoring center. Another peer might be able to help you better. If your next few grades improve after tutoring, then we’ll talk.” 

Eric headed towards the library during his lunch period, which he never would have done under any other circumstance. He preferred to be outside playing basketball with his friends than being cooped up in the library. After signing his name, he sat down on an empty table and waited to be assigned to a tutor. When he tried to look for another familiar name on the tutor list, he noticed yours scribbled neatly with your perfect font-like handwriting. You’ve probably never failed a quiz in your life, let alone the past few quizzes. Eric groaned. How did he let himself slip up in this class? He had a pretty high GPA, but this class was dragging it down from its highest potential. 

He flipped through the notebook he dedicated to calculus and was met with empty pages. If only he didn’t stay up late studying for his other classes, he would have been able to pay attention during this class. But resting his eyes always seemed like a much better option. 

“Eric? Hi, I’ll be your new calc tutor.” Eric looked up to see you pull out the seat across from him. He let out a sigh of relief because you were not a complete stranger and you always got the highest grades. He would be back on the team in no time. He shot you a smile and his eyes formed crescent moons.

You returned his smile but it was only momentary, and it left as quickly as it came. “Can I tell you a secret?” You fidgeted with your fingers. 

Eric was unsure of what to make of your sudden question. He nodded his head to encourage you to continue. 

“I have no idea what’s going on in class.” You admitted to him, though this was not something you told anyone else. 

Eric let out a laugh, you had to be joking. “Don’t you need an A in this class to be a tutor?” 

“Yeah, I just always get my work done on time. My grade doesn’t reflect my understanding of the material but how well I can cheat on all of my assignments.” Upon seeing his confused face, you chose to elaborate. “I usually use photomath, that’s the only way I’ve been passing.” 

Eric’s mouth parted in shock. Why didn’t he think of using that app himself? He also couldn’t believe that you were struggling in that class. “Then I’m not crazy, she just really can’t teach. That’s why I haven’t been understanding anything.” 

“It’s not you, it’s her.” You assured him. “But can I still ‘tutor’ you because that would be the only way to make up for my last quiz?” You hoped that your desperation wasn’t too obvious. 

Eric studied your face, he never had any chance to talk to you this long. Your features were tainted with stress. He could tell that your grades mattered and that he was the only person that could help you. It wouldn’t hurt to spend a little time outside of class with you, it’s not like he had baseball practice to take away his free time. 

“Sure, I’m going to need these lessons to explain why I’m suddenly going to do amazing in this class after I start using photomath.” 

Your face lit up when you heard him accept and it was enough to ensure that he made the right choice. 

“How bad did you do on the last quiz?” Eric still couldn’t believe that you were not the nerd that he thought you were. Teachers always used your work for examples of model work and that was the only impression he had of you prior to this tutor session.

“I got a 0 because I missed class that day.” You looked away in embarrassment. The bright red 0 was still easily visible on your crumpled-up test. 

Eric placed his test marked with 65/100 next to yours. “Well I didn’t pass even though I was in class, so we can try to work on it together.”

You flipped to the chapter that the quiz was on and turned the textbook sideways so that he could also see. The library was mainly empty save for you two because the weather was nice and everyone would much rather go outside for lunch. Your table was positioned right near the window, and Eric had the perfect view of all of his friends playing baseball on the school field. He could have been there if he didn’t slack off this bad. 

No matter how many times you read the page, you still couldn’t quite get the concept down. No other class had you stuck like this one. While you were stuck rereading, Eric started attempting the first problem on his quiz. He finished in a matter of seconds and you took out photomath, a calculator app that solves literally everything, to check if it’s the same answer. 

You couldn’t hide the look of shock on your face when the answer on your screen matched the one on his paper. “Eric I didn’t know that you were a genius. You have to teach me how to do this.” 

Eric’s face also matched yours as he was also surprised at himself. He never even thought to attempt the problems before. 

“I don’t really know what I did.” He confessed but tried to walk you through his thought process. Hearing him explain the steps allowed you to think of the problem in an entirely different way and it was the only thing you needed to understand how to solve it. Your face still expressed the initial shock, but now you felt more impressed than surprised. 

Eric laughed at the irony, here he was tutoring you instead of the other way around. “I’ll have you know that just because I’m a sports guy doesn’t mean that I’m an airhead.” 

“And having A’s doesn’t exactly mean that I’m a nerd. I knew you weren’t an airhead, but sleeping during class didn’t exactly make you look the smartest.” You teased him, before asking him the real question that was plaguing your mind. “You picked it up so quickly, why did you fail the last few quizzes?” 

He switched his gaze from the paper to look straight into your eyes. “Honestly, I didn’t have any motivation to actually do the quizzes. I thought that I was screwed since I kept sleeping during class. And I have to sacrifice some classes to do better in the rest.” He answered, before moving on to the next problem. 

With him facing towards the paper, you took note of his perfect side profile. His eyebrows were furrowed as he thought about how to solve the question. Wow, his jawline was sharp and you were getting sidetracked.

Using his method, you were able to breeze through the problems. You were the type of student to follow the book, word for word, while Eric was the opposite. He was carefree and just did what he felt like, and it worked. You would’ve never thought to experiment like he did but it was exactly what you needed to do. 

“Wait I don’t get how to do these last few problems.” He interrupted you from your thoughts and you leaned closer to get a better view of the problem. You checked the steps to solve the problem from photomath and figured out how to solve it. 

While you were explaining the problem to him, Eric suddenly became aware of the short proximity between the two of you. His eyes traced your features and they subconsciously drifted towards your lips. He wondered whether they felt as soft as they looked, in a totally platonic way, of course. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. 

“That’s why you use this- Eric? Were you even listening?” You turned to face him after he stopped being responsive. Eric felt the blood rush to his cheeks. He quickly scanned the paper and pretended that he was paying attention all along. “Yeah I was listening, I understand it.” 

You spent the rest of the period working together to get through the quiz. You two were in your own world and you wouldn’t have noticed how much time went by if the library didn’t become loud, signaling the end of the period, as students transitioned between classes. The period never felt this short. 

“We are quite the team,” Eric said as you packed up your things. 

“Surprisingly, we are. Let’s meet up again at the same time next week.” You waved at him and rushed to get to your next class. 

“See you in class.” Eric watched as you left the library and looked forward to the next time he would see you.

Upon entering calculus class the next day, Eric searched for your face. He found you sitting in your usual seat near the window. Your head was down on the desk, unaware that he was approaching you. 

“Is this seat taken?” You lifted your head to see Eric gesturing to the seat next to you. You shook your head, confused as to why he decided to sit next to you instead of the back of the classroom. 

You didn’t have to worry about saving a seat for a friend because calculus was the one class that you didn’t share with any friends. You didn’t realize it until now but none of the boys you saw Eric hang out with were in this class either. At least you two would have each other now.

“Isn’t it easier to sleep in the back of the classroom?” You questioned.

“It is, but it's easier to cheat- I mean learn next to you.” He said with a cheeky grin. 

Your teacher walked in, cutting off your small talk. 

You took out your calculus textbook and notebook while you waited for the teacher to begin. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Eric scribble something on the last page of his notebook. When the teacher turned around to write on the chalkboard, he slid his notebook over to you and tapped you. 

i forgot my textbook in my locker, can i look over on yours? 

You pushed your textbook towards him and positioned it in between you two. He mouthed a quick “thanks.” 

Your teacher began explaining the new concept and you almost forgot about Eric’s presence next to you as you copied down everything that was on the board. 

“Wait, is that a four or a nine?” You whispered, trying to decipher the messy handwriting. When you heard no response from Eric, you turned to look at him for the first time since class had started. Eric’s head was resting on the palm of his hand and his eyes were closed shut. He did not just leave you to fend for yourself. You nudged his hand and his head fell onto the desk with a loud thud. 

Your teacher briefly turned around to call out whoever was interrupting her lesson but you resumed writing and Eric pretended to read the textbook page extremely closely. After she faced the board again, Eric raised his eyebrows at you, as if to ask why you disrupted his sleep. Not wanting to draw attention again, you passed him a note.

pay attention if you want the teacher to like you, trust me it works.

easier said than done, teacher’s pet.

Eric waited for you to read his note before he stuck his tongue out at you. 

You were going to deny being the teacher’s pet when you were interrupted by Hyunjae, who sat on your other side. “Can you help me with number 1?”

“Uh sure.” You responded, despite wanting to work with Eric. You glanced back at Eric, but he began working on the new problem set by himself. 

Though Eric’s eyes were focused on the paper in front of him, his ears couldn’t help but listen to your conversation with Hyunjae.  

“You’re a lifesaver, thank you so much. Can I pay you back with bubble tea after school?” Hyunjae gave you a flirtatious smile. 

Eric’s grip on his pen tightened. He convinced himself that he was only annoyed because he didn’t know how to solve the problem.

“I would never say no to free bubble tea.” You checked to see if Eric was listening from your peripheral vision once again, but he seemed to be disinterested. You weren’t sure why you kept looking back at Eric, maybe you wanted to see if he would object. Or maybe you wanted him to object. But he made no such move to stop you. 

Hyunjae beamed. “Great, let’s meet up after class. And maybe we can study for the next test together?”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Were you just trying to bribe me with bubble tea?”

Eric’s head was facing downwards as he tried to hide his feelings of betrayal. The nerve Hyunjae had to steal his study partner. 

“And if I was?” Hyunjae challenged.

“That was a smart way to bribe me, you might not even need to study with how smart you are.” You answered. 

Eric slammed his pen down, causing you and Hyunjae to look at him. 

“Oops, it slipped.” He blurted, feeling satisfied because he interrupted Hyunjae. 

The bell rang and you rushed to copy down the homework into your planner. 

“Do you want to work on the homework together?” Eric suggested while packing up his things. “I didn’t know how to do the third set of problems.” He added in, hoping that it would convince you to work together. 

“I don’t know, I’m in high demand these days. Everyone wants to study with me.” You flaunted. Of course you would study with him, you just wanted to make him work for it. Eric rushed to follow you out of the classroom.

“Pretty please.” He pouted and gave you puppy eyes. You snorted at his attempt of acting cute, which he didn’t even need to do since he was naturally cute. 

“Okay fine, but only if you stop doing that hideous face.” You stopped to open your locker. 

Eric leaned on the locker next to yours and crossed his arms. “No one can resist this sexy face.” 

“Yeah okay.” You replied in a sarcastic tone, though you secretly agreed with him. You took a pen out of your locker and grabbed his hand. Eric held his breath and watched to see what you would do next. You wrote your phone number on the palm of his hand. “Text me. Or facetime me, whatever works for you.” You shut your locker and headed to your next class.

Eric stared at your number on his hand and smiled to himself, his heart still racing from when you touched him. 

While you walked away, you felt proud that you were able to pull that move off. But then the color drained from your face. You never said what time. The power rested entirely on Eric and when he decided to contact you. That means that you would have to wait and possibly be camera-ready all day. 

As soon as Eric got home from school, he entered your phone number and saved your contact. He wondered whether he would seem too eager if he texted you right away. You were probably still studying with Hyunjae. Eric scoffed as he thought about how Hyunjae was there instead of him. 

You stared at the black screen on your phone. Tapping on it for the millionth time, the screen read 8:15 pm. Why didn’t you specify a time? You dived for your phone every time you saw your phone light up with a notification. 

Was he even going to facetime you? You glanced around your room in horror. You weren’t able to fix it when you rushed out of the house this morning. You could not let Eric see this mess. You got to work fixing your room while you waited for him to text you. Hearing the familiar vibration, you reached for your phone, hoping it wasn’t another spam email. 

hey, it’s eric. are you free to ft and work on the hw rn? 

Eric sent the text and threw his phone on the bed. He had spent 15 minutes debating whether his text was too casual. Hugging his pillow, he anxiously waited for you to respond. 

yea i’m free

You checked your room once again to see if anything was out of place. Then you saw your reflection in the mirror. You were so caught up in fixing your room, you forgot to fix your appearance. You quickly applied something on your lips so you wouldn’t look too bad. 

After sitting down in front of a lamp so you would have optimal lighting, you picked up his facetime call. 

“Hey.” You felt your breath hitch in your throat. His hair was still wet from the shower he took just earlier. You didn’t think it was possible for him to get any hotter. 

“So how was your date with Hyunjae.” He didn’t even try to hide the bitterness in his tone. Wow, real smooth Eric. He should’ve waited a bit longer to bring it up, but he couldn’t help it. 

You laughed at his choice of a conversation starter. “It wasn’t a date, and it was actually very fun. Maybe I need to start charging you for my services. I’ll only accept payment with bubble tea from now on.” 

“Spending quality time with me is your payment.” He replied with a smug look on his face.

You shook your head. “That is not enough, I fear.” 

Eric crossed his arms and tried to look offended. “I’ll hang up right now then.” 

“Need I remind you that you were the one that begged me to help you today?” You spoke matter-of-factly. “But if you must leave, go. I’m very busy you know.” 

“Busy studying with other guys? I thought we had something special.” He dramatically clutched his heart. 

“You wish, you are yet another one of my side hoes.” 

“Your main hoe being boba?” He raised an eyebrow.

You paused to think of a witty response. “It seems you are more interested in my love life than those calculus problems you needed help with.” 

“Those problems can wait.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

“Fine, how about this? For every problem you get correct, you can ask me a question and I’ll answer it honestly.” You proposed. 

Eric smiled widely. “I like how you think. And what happens if I get them wrong?” 

“Then I get to ask you a question.” You replied. 

“You won’t be able to ask me any questions.” His cockiness was apparent from how confidently he spoke. “The first solution is 5.” 

Checking the answer to the first problem, you confirmed that it was 5.

“Since this is about your love life, do you have a boyfriend?” He asked, desperately wanting you to say no. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know? Yes, I do have one.” You watched for Eric’s reaction. Eric’s smile dropped for a split second as he registered what you said. 

“Oh really? Who? Do I know him?” He interrogated, completely dropping his previous act. 

You felt amused watching him squirm. “That’s three other problems you have to get right.” 

To your surprise, Eric continued to get the next three problems correct.

“So who is your boyfriend?” He phrased carefully.

“Hyunjae.” You said with a straight face.

Eric’s eyes grew 10 times the size they were. “Really?”

“Nah, I’m just playing. I don’t have a boyfriend.” You finally revealed the truth. 

That definitely made Eric happier than he’d like to admit. 

“You just made me waste two questions.” He emphasized by holding up two fingers. 

“Did you even need help with those problems Eric?” 

“Yes...but I figured them all out while you were flirting with Hyunjae.” He looked away from the screen. 

“I was not flirting with Hyunjae.” You lied. You did flirt a little, but that was only because you wanted to see if Eric got jealous. 

Eric rolled his eyes, not believing you. “Sure you weren’t.” 

“You have not seen me flirt, believe me, you would know.” You told him honestly. If you were going to flirt with anyone, it would be him. 

Eric’s smile returned once again. “I look forward to seeing that.” 

You and Eric fell into a routine where you met up every week to study calculus. And then facetimed after school. And then texted at night. You would work together during class, and Eric would get annoyed every time Hyunjae tried to join. 

You and Eric were prepared for the next calculus quiz and your efforts paid off. As soon as Eric got his quiz back, his first thought was to see the look on your face when he told you his grade.

At the end of class, Eric proudly dangled his quiz in front of your face, he couldn’t contain the smile on his face. 

You saw a large A on the top of the first page and you pulled him into a hug. Before you could regret acting so spontaneously, Eric hugged you back just as tightly. This was the first time you both hugged, but it felt so comforting and you didn’t want to let go. “Wow I’m so proud of you, I can’t believe you’re scoring higher than me.” You said when you finally pulled away.

“I’m coming for your throne.” Eric winked at you.

After consistently doing well in the classwork, Eric realized that he didn’t need help anymore. The tutoring sessions eventually became an excuse to meet you. 

Eric pointed at a problem, his eyes trained on yours, “Can you explain this to me?” 

“Eric, you literally taught me how to solve this.” You giggled.

“Oh, did I? Um...well I forgot. Explain it to me again?” You could never resist Eric’s puppy-dog eyes. The more time you spent with him, the more you realized how cute he was. 

“Graph this equation.” Eric had randomly said one day while you were studying at the library. 

You stared at the equation he wrote and looked back at him with confusion. “How is this relevant to calculus?”

“Just do it.” He whined. 

You reached for your graphing calculator and entered the equation. 

Staring at the shape the equation produced, you were pleasantly surprised to see that it resembled...“A heart?” 

You looked up to see Eric grinning from ear-to-ear, clearly proud that he was able to find this equation.

“Very cute Eric. This is why you urgently needed to meet up today?” You raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, that and I needed to talk to you about something else. My coach told me that the improvement in my grades is enough for me to rejoin the team.” Eric started, unsure of whether he should tell you that he didn’t need tutoring anymore. 

“Oh really? That’s great news!” You kept your eyes focused on the paper. You knew that him joining the team would mean your tutoring sessions would have to come to an end soon. “I’m guessing you won’t have time to study anymore.”

Eric knew that he wanted to see you every day, but he didn’t want to pretend that he only wanted to meet you under the pretense of studying. He took a deep breath before speaking. You brought your eyes to meet his when you realized that something must have been up. Eric was never quiet for this long. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to continue meeting up outside of school hours, just us two,” Eric asked hesitantly, waiting for your response. 

Your eyes widened. Was he asking you out? It’s not a complete reach because you two have been spending a lot of time “studying.” You were afraid that you were taking his words in the wrong way. “You want to study outside?” 

“Oh...no, no studying. It would just be us meeting up outside, no calculus.” He looked at the floor. 

“Eric Sohn, are you asking me out on a date?” You asked him. 

“Only if you’re comfortable with that. I’ve liked you for a while and I didn’t really need help anymore but I still want to see you often. I understand if you don-”

You cut off his rambling with a kiss. You resisted the urge to laugh at how red his ears were when you pulled away. “I like you too. Finally you can buy me my long-deserved boba.” 

[yourdeepestfathoms]

with this unruly heart of mine

in which we all wish our parents reacted the same way as Alcina does when one of her daughters comes out to her

title is from Unruly Hearts from The Prom because it fit

-----------------------------

MERCUTIO

If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down. Give me a case to put my visage in. A visor for a visor. What care I What curious eye doth cote deformities? Here are the beetle brows shall blush for me.

Alcina read that line over and over again, but she still had no idea what the hell any of it really meant. She sighed and leaned back into the cushions of her seat. If she kept getting caught up on the literary meaning of every other paragraph then she would never finish this damned book.

She picked up the teacup sitting on the stand beside her chair and took a long sip. The tea was of sweet cinnamon on her tongue. It left a much better taste in her mouth than the rather gross relationship between Romeo and Juliet in this book. If the short amount of time the two knew each other wasn’t bad enough, the age gap made her teeth bare and nose wrinkle in disgust. What the hell was this William Shakespeare guy thinking when he wrote this?

The soft sound of bare feet padding against hardwood brought her back to the surface of complete awareness, her focus shifting away from the book and to the late-night arrival watching nearby.

A certain fly child stood, arm on the doorway. Her hair was shaggy from seemingly just waking up--or maybe she hadn’t slept at all in the first place. Unruly blonde locks were sticking up in various directions around her head, framing her face like an adolescent lion’s mane. The nightgown she wore was a size too big and drowning her thin frame.

The light from the fireplace made her golden-amber eyes look hollow.

“Mother?”

“Yes, dear?”

“May I sit with you?”

“Of course.”

Slower than she’d ever seen her move before, Bela inched her way onto the cushioned chair beside Alcina’s. She pulled her knees up her chest, bare toes poking over the edge of the seat, and Alcina regarded them with a scrunch of her nose.

“What have I told you about going around the castle barefoot?” Alcina chided gently.

Bela didn’t look away from the flickering fire in the fireplace. “I’m sorry, Mother.”

Something was bothering her.

Bela was a rather fickle little thing. Some days, she wanted to tell Alcina everything, every little fact of the new knowledge she had obtained from her books, all the small details of her latest stories or ideas. Other days, she put up walls and gave vague answers to questions prodded into her sensitive skin, curling into herself like a frightened snail afraid of being interrogated. This seemed to be something of the latter, and Alcina made a mental note to tread lightly to avoid upsetting her daughter.

“I don’t understand this at all,” Alcina said, waggling the book in her hands, trying to make small talk with her distressed child. She didn’t want to pry and further put Bela on edge more than she clearly was, but she couldn’t not do something about her bitter mood. What kind of mother would she be if she didn’t at least attempt to help with her kids’ problems?

“I can hardly make heads or tails of anything they’re saying,” she continued, hoping she wasn’t laying it on too thick.

Bela raised her head from her knees slightly. “What book is it?”

“Romeo and Juliet.”

There was a morbid snort. “How coincidental…”

“What?”

“Nothing.” Bela shook her head. “Lemme see. What part are you at?”

Alina pointed out the current line she had reread at least five times over without being able to discern the Shakespearean into modern-day language. Bela, however, looked it over once, scanned the other pieces of dialogue for context, nodded, then explained, “In this scene, Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio are sneaking into a party thrown by the Capulets by wearing masks to disguise themselves. Romeo is upset over Juliet and says he isn’t going to dance. Mercutio then teases him over this and turns all of Romeo’s words into gratuitous sexual metaphors to poke fun at him. Mercutio ends up going on this whole rant about Queen Mab of the fairies, who visits people in their dreams until Romeo and Benvolio cut in to get things back on track. Romeo also kinda foreshadows the entire play at one point. See? Right here: ‘I fear too early, for my mind misgives Some consequence yet hanging in the stars Shall bitterly begin his fearful date With this night’s revels, and expire the term Of a despisèd life closed in my breast By some vile forfeit of untimely death.’ I do believe that is hinting at his eventual fate of death.”

Alcina blinked at her for a moment before smiling fondly and rubbing her head. “Such a smart girl,” she cooed. “I could have never gotten that out of this .”

Bela smiled, but then it quickly disappeared, and she leaned back into her chair, curling up and watching the fire once again.

Now Alcina was really concerned. Bela was never one to let go of praise and affection so easily. Usually, she savored it a bit longer before moving onto something else, but here she was, brushing off Alcina’s words and touch as though they were nothing.

Something was very, very wrong.

However, before she had the chance to take the risk and attempt to ask questions, Bela spoke up.

“Have you ever been in love, Mother?”

Surprised, Alcina asked, “And what brought this up?”

Bela shrugged, not making eye contact. She kept looking at the fire as though she wanted to throw herself into it. Her voice was small, so small. “Just curious.”

“I see,” Alcina nodded. She looked up, thinking for a moment as she wracked her brain of the memories of her past life. “I have been in love before. Many times, actually.”

Bela gave her a curious look, finally pulling her gaze from the flames. “Really?”

“Indeed,” Alcina confirmed. “Though, I do believe that just comes with growing up. You gain lovers, you lose lovers. Some were real, some were fantasies I made up. Some lasted a few days, some a few months, some a few years.” She took a sip of her tea again. “None of them really mattered in the end, though. Clearly.” Another sip.

Bela nodded faintly. “Okay.”

“Have you ever been in love?” Alcina decided to ask.

Strangely, Bela went rigid. Her claws clenched around the sides of her calves as she stared forward with pupils that were constricted into pinpricks. Sweat beaded along the golden crown of her head.

“I-I-- umm…”

Alcina furrowed her eyebrows in worry. She closed Romeo and Juliet with a bookmark to mark her page, then set a hand on Bela’s back. Her daughter was trembling.

“Bela?” Alcina said, keeping her voice soothing and low to avoid setting off the poor girl even further. “Is everything alright? You don’t look well.”

“Yes, yes,” Bela answered her, much too quickly for it to be convincing. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Before Alcina could prod further, Bela shot up to her feet. She began to chew on one of her claws, flexing her free hand at her side in visible agitation. Pieces of her skin broke off into flies and buzzed around her head madly. She seemed to be dissociating in panic.

“Bela,” Alcina rose to her feet slowly, not wanting to accidentally frighten her daughter. “Bela, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Bela said, even when she was so obviously far from fine. Her chest was beginning to heave.

“Darling,” Alcina said, and that seemed to get Bela to crack a bit.

With a tight whimper, Bela shook her head. “Hard-- hard to breathe--”

Instantly, Alcina loosely took Bela by the arms and lowered her to the ground. In the firelight, she could see the pallor of her daughter’s increasing panic as it morphed into a complete attack on her anxiety. Bela grabbed her wrists with her claws dug in for desperate grounding, and Alcina let her, even when it stung her skin. Her comfort was far from important in that moment.

“Alright, honey,” Alcina said. “We’re going to do the thing we’ve been practicing, alright? Do you think you can do it?”

Wordlessly, Bela nodded.

“That’s my strong girl,” Alcina said. “Alright, give me five things you can see.”

“Y-you,” Bela stammered. The words shook when they left her lips. “Your hair’s kinda bushy.”

Alcina rolled her eyes in a good-natured way. “Thank you for pointing that out, Bela.”

Bela’s fight instantly gave in at that and she hunched her shoulders in, looking ashamed. Quick to correct herself, Alcina lifted her chin so they could make eye contact.

“I was only teasing you, honey,” Alcina said. “Keep going.”

Bela nodded. “The fire; it’s really pretty. Your-- your, umm, chair; it looks soft. The book; not the best of Shakespeare’s works. And, ah-- the teacup; it has doves on it.”

“Very good,” Alcina praised. “Four things you can feel.”

“The fire’s-- the fire’s warmth. My heart in-- my heart in my throat. The floor under me; I should have worn socks.”

“I told you,” Alcina cut in playfully.

Bela swallowed thickly. “A-and, umm-- and my anxiety. It’s like a Lycan in my chest.”

Alcina frowned at that but quickly wiped it off her face for now. She stroked Bela’s cheek, gaining a spark of hope when Bela leaned into her hand.

“I feel you, too,” Bela said.

“You only needed to name five, little moth,” Alcina said, bopping her on the nose.

Bela just shrugged.

“But you’re doing so well. Can you give me three things you can hear?”

“My heartbeat in my ears; it sounds like thunder. I don’t like thunder. Umm-- the fire crackling; I like that. And-- and a raven outside. I think that’s Merlin. His cawing is kinda raspier than the other birds’. I think he may have hurt his throat at some point.”

A small smile grew onto Alcina’s lips. She continued caressing Bela’s cheek as she talked to her. “Now two things you can smell.”

“Fear,” Bela said almost instantly. Her nose twitched. “I smell fear.”

Alcina could smell it, too. The thickened dread wafting off of her shaken daughter was acrid, bitter, and unsettling.

“Umm--” Bela’s claws fidgeted, clicking against each other softly. “And your tea. Smells like cinnamon. Cinnamon makes me sneeze.”

“One more. One thing you can taste.”

“Fear.”

“Fear?” Alcina echoed, one eyebrow raised. “Again?”

“Yes.”

“What does fear taste like?”

Bela stared down at her claws, which she splayed open before herself. “It-- it has a slightly dull metallic taste that’s mixed with urea, I think. Sometimes it tastes like popping a bloody, pus-filled blister in your mouth and squeezing every drop out with your teeth and savoring it on your tongue. Sucking the wound clean and swallowing it down.” She clenched her fists. “But it doesn’t get clean. It doesn’t dry out. The blister just keeps oozing and oozing until all the discharge comes pouring out of your mouth, but even then it doesn’t stop. Because you can’t force it all down. You can’t just swallow and think it’s done. That’s not how anxiety works. It keeps coming, even when you thought it was gone, and it leaves behind this awful flavor of bitter bile. It’s acidic, too, you know? It melts your chest and stomach and makes you feel like you’re sinking in your own skin.” She looked up at Alcina, and her eyes were shiny and blank. “I taste fear, Mother.”

There was silence between them for just a moment. Bela wasn’t looking at Alcina anymore; she seemed to think the floor was very interesting at that moment. Alcina was still considering her daughter’s dark words, replaying them over and over again until the subtle taste of sour gall spread across her tongue. She swallowed it down and winced when it drooled over the back of her throat like rancid molasses.

“You did it, baby,” Alcina finally said, smiling despite her worry, despite the flavor of fear in her mouth. “I’m so proud of you.”

Bela just nodded. Though she was no longer having a panic attack, she didn’t seem any less upset. Alcina considered letting it go, especially after just having calmed her down, but if something was bothering her daughter so much that she couldn’t breathe when she thought about it too hard, she knew she couldn’t just leave it be. It could escalate into something much, much worse, and she knew damn well that Bela was willing to go to such extremes, if her explanation of fear and the way she kept looking at the fire wasn’t enough proof of that.

“Now,” Alcina saw Bela tense, but she plunged anyway. “I need you to tell me what’s bothering you so I can help.”

Bela shook her head with a strangled whimper.  “I can’t tell you.”

“Bela, I’m your mother. You can tell me anything.”

“You’ll hate me.”

“I won’t hate you.”

Bela was quiet. Then, slowly, she dragged her gaze up to Alcina. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise, Bela. I would never hate you.”

Bela nodded. “Okay.” Her claws clenched into fists against the floorboards, knuckles shaking and turning white. She took several deep breaths before forcing out, “I-- I don’t-- I don’t like people like that. Like how I’m supposed to.”

Silence.

Tears flowed freely from Bela’s eyes and she choked on a sob. Her head hung in shame as her entire body quaked. The poor girl looked terrified, and the sight hit Alcina right in the heart--though she didn’t quite get it.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said.

“No, no-- you don’t understand,” Bela’s breath was coming out thin and raspy again. She sat up straight, claws now knotted in her nightgown, tensing and pulling. “I don’t-- I don’t like people, Mama. The way other people do. The way everyone does. I’ve-- I’ve tried, but--” She cut herself off with a whimper, tears pouring down her cheeks.

“What do you mean?” Alcina asked. Trying to discern Bela’s vague words was like trying to discern Shakespearean. “Do you think you can explain it to me, hun? Like you did with the book and the fear. I want to help you.”

Bela sniffled, then nodded. “I-- I, umm-- I don’t feel anything towards people. Like-- like that. Romantically. And sexually.”

Finally, it dawned on Alcina.

“When I read those cheesy romance books Daniela likes, I don’t get the characters’ feelings at all. Just the thought of being in a relationship like that makes me so uncomfortable and I don’t know why, and that scares me, Mama.” Bela continued, her anguish oozing into every word she spoke. “I don’t like the thought of being tied down to someone like that, but it still feels like something has been stolen from me. That promise of a future with true love and marriage and a fairy tale ending that Daniela always talks about is gone, even though I still want it. Or, at least, I think I want it. I don’t know what I want.” She sniffled, looking miserable. “It’s the same for sexual stuff. When I come to scenes with sex in them in books, it makes my skin feel all weird, like severed hands are crawling all over my body. I get embarrassed and awkward and uneasy, and I don’t understand that, either. It just makes me feel so sick to my stomach.”

There was a pause. Bela was taking several shallow breaths and digging her claws into her legs, so Alcina reached out and took one of her hands, stroking her knuckles with her thumbs.

“Breathe, baby,” Alcina murmured. “Breathe.”

“I’ve-- I’ve tried to force myself to be like everyone else before,” Bela said unexpectedly.

Taken aback, Alcina said, “What?”

Bela swallowed thickly. “With-- with a maiden. You know how I am with them- too nice, too polite. I befriended one of them. We were kinda close. After a while, she started making moves on me. I knew what she wanted for so long, but I kept avoiding it because I was uncomfortable or scared. But then I had this revelation: maybe if I did this with her, I would finally feel something! I would be like everyone else! So I did. With her. And I didn’t like it.”

“Bela…”

“It hurt,” Bela whispered. “Like I was being scraped raw. Or my body was being turned inside out. I felt so sick. Humiliatingly, I started crying during it, but I don’t think she noticed. If she did, she didn’t stop. Not until she was finished. When she was, I threw up after she left. I was so sore.” Alcina squeezed her hand, and she sucked in a sharp breath, “But-- but I had to have liked it! I got, umm--” Her cheeks began to turn red with embarrassment, though Alcina didn’t blame her. Having to explain your sex life to your mother would be awkward for anyone. “I got…wet. And-- and that happens when you’re aroused! So-- so I do like sexual stuff!”

“Oh, sweetie…” Alcina sighed sadly.

Bela hunched her shoulders in. “R-right?”

“Honey, ‘getting wet’ doesn’t always mean you’re aroused,” Alcina said gently. “Simply viewing something erotic, like a naked woman, for example, could trigger this bodily response. It’s also a way for the vagina to lubricate itself to help dull the pain of penetration. You can be in a sexual situation and be wet, but not want to have sex. That’s completely normal and one hundred percent okay.” She lifted her hands to cup Bela’s cheeks. “Wetness is not an acceptable body language for consent. Who were you trying to convince: the maiden or yourself?”

Bela stared at her for a long moment, eyes wide and damp, breath hitched in the back of her throat. Then, she began shaking her head, pulling her hair, and weeping, “No, no-- I wanted it, I wanted it-- I know I did. I’m normal, I’m normal--”

It was truly heartbreaking to see her child in such a way. Bela seemed downright devastated over her own sexuality, to the point where she thought she was disgusting and unnatural for something that was actually completely normal.

Taking her daughter’s hands to keep her from hurting herself, Alcina went to say something, but Bela cut her off, getting to the words first.

“What’s wrong with me?!” Bela cried. “Why-- why am I like this, Mama? Am I broken? Am I heartless? I-- I love you and Cassandra and Daniela! I love Uncle Karl and Uncle Moreau and Auntie Donna and Angie and the Duke! I love reading and animals and writing, but-- but when I-- when I try to-- when it comes to sex and romance, I--” She finally gave up and sobbed.

“Oh, Bela,” Alcina said sadly. “Oh, my poor, sweet girl…” She pulled Bela into her lap and held her close, rocking her back and forth to help comfort her. Her fingers gently ran through Bela’s messy hair. “Shh, shh… You aren’t broken or heartless, sweetheart. This is an okay thing to feel.”

“You-- you don’t think I’m wrong?”

Alcina’s heart twisted at the way Bela looked up at her to say that, her eyes holding so much sadness and pain. She tucked her daughter’s head back under her chin and tightened the embrace.

“Absolutely not. Do you think you are?”

Bela answered in a strangled whimper. Alcina couldn’t help but wonder what put such a thought in her daughter’s brain--though, this was Bela she was dealing with. her anxiety was a wild, bestial thing that made her worry about the most obscene things.

“Did you really think this would change anything?” Alcina asked. “That I could ever possibly love you any less?”

Bela shrugged weakly.

“I-I just…”

That deep shame from before seemed to return and Bela’s head dipped. Alcina felt like she was going to try and pull away, so she tightened the embrace and used one hand to lift the girl’s chin.

“Hey, hey,” Alcina murmured, brushing away fresh tears on Bela’s cheeks. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, sweetie. There’s nothing wrong with you, either. And if anyone says otherwise, tell me. I’ll eviscerate them.”

That got a tiny, watery giggle out of Bela.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Alcina went on. “Sex and romantic relationships… They aren’t for everyone. And that’s okay. It certainly doesn’t make you broken or heartless.”

“B-but--”

“Hun, look at me. Do I really look like someone who will judge you for being this way?”

Bela shrugged a little. Her little body seemed to have exhausted itself of all its efforts to argue.

Alcina rocked her gently, stroking her hair the way she knew she liked it. “How about I explain something to you, hm?”

Bela looked up at her blearily.

“Your love may not be arousing or romantic, but you want to know what it is like?”

“What?” Bela asked softly.

“Your love is warm and fuzzy, like being wrapped in a blanket during a blizzard. It’s safe and reassuring. Your love is security and shelter. Your love is noticing all the little details, like my bushy hair because it’s late at night or your Uncle Karl’s finger twitching because he’s nervous at the meetings with Mother Miranda but is trying to hide it or Cassandra’s leg bouncing because she’s full of pent up, restless energy. Your love is knowing what makes each of us tick and doing everything in your power to make us feel better when we’re upset. Your love is like the first flower showing up in the snow as winter melts away and the beginning flickers of a tender flame and the gentle fluttering of bird wings.” Alcina let out a soft laugh. “I’m nowhere near as good at details as you are, my darling. But, most importantly, your love is normal and natural and what makes you you. And you shouldn’t have to try and change that for anyone, no matter what.”

Bela stared up at her in silenced awe, tears trickling down her cheeks. Alcina squeezed her reassuringly.

“I want you to know that I’ll always support you, okay?” Alcina said. “I’m always going to be here for you.”

Bela nodded, hiccuping softly. “Thank you, Mama,” she whispered through tiny whimpers. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, Bela,” Alcina said. She kissed the top of Bela’s head and purred to her softly. “My perfect, perfect girl.”

[compartmentalisinghmpf]

@stainlesssteellocust  - Replying here bc it’s getting longer than the reply window.

Thanks! Made me go and reread my latest two Laundry fics as well as the 12M one, and yeah, I still really really like those projects, esp. the (potentially) big Laundry one... tbh the main reason why there's been no progress on that despite the fact that I have an honest to god outline for it, which I *never* had for any fic before, is that there’s a couple of small but hard to research details that I still haven’t decided on regarding Steve’s job and place of residence. It’s extremely annoying! Also, I’m in a reading slump that has lasted for a couple of years now (my very long commute was my main reading time, and that commute went away when the pandemic arrived), and due to that haven’t even fully read the New Management books yet, so I feel I need to do that before I get back to writing big plotty fic in that universe. Gah.

I don’t know if you’re also into 12M (or, as it’s known on this particular blog, “Splinter”, hahaha, bc I hate that they made it a tie-in when it didn’t need to be) but *that* project stalled bc I had to drop out of a rewatch and big, satisfying sustained discussion about the show I was having with someone elsewhere for months, sometime last June or so, because at that time of the year my old job used to go into overdrive and I can’t do fandom when work interferes with it to that degree. And when I was finally getting ready to reengage a bit with stuff, last autumn, Homestuck, or rather The Run and Go (the fic I keep talking about)... happened to me. The irony here being that the only reason I even started getting into HS was because I felt it would be a low-risk way of getting some entertainment in the evenings - low-risk in the sense that I didn’t think obsession would result, because I had read parts of HS many times before and only ever felt a casual interest in it - strong enough to want to keep reading, not strong enough to, say, check out fic or anything like that. I was deliberately trying to not go into any new obsessive phases before getting some more Laundry and/or Splinter writing done! But then, I was also deliberately trying not to obtain a new obsession back in spring 2021, and then “Splinter” happened. -- Maybe I should just... not watch or read anything until a fic is finished, lolsob.

Wishing you the power to pick up writing again! And wishing the same for myself, too. Fingers crossed for both of us!

[likesomekindofcheese]

Promised Part Five (The Great Mini-series, Arranged Marriage AU)

A/N: Here it finally is!!!! Sorry it took forever, life happens.

Word Count: 4K

Summary: When the Emperor’s behavior gets your families alliance with Russia in danger, you agree to marry his best friend Grigor in order to make sure the alliance does not fall apart. You’re tossed into the Russian court and into the arms and bed of a Russian count, dodging his jealous ex lover, trying to survive the unpredictability.... but...what about yuou two? Are you and Grigor finally...feeling something for each other?

Warnings: Swearing, drunkeness, mentions of sex and nudity, marriage, and an in universe reference I couldn’t resist.

“Come here Sonya! Come here!” Lady Svenska cooed, wiggling her fingers.

The puppy trotted to her and she squealed in delight.

Tatiana bent her knees, her lime green dress bunching below her like icing on a cake as she did.

“Sonya! Sonya come!” she gestured.

With a happy trot, Sonya waddled over. She reached up, her tiny tail wagging.

“Oooo, good girl! Good girl!”

You had been invited to a tea party with the other ladies. Although you had gotten closer to the empress, you feared if they would see you as an enemy. Especially hearing of Catherine’s last tea party with them. So walking in, you brought your secret weapon. And it worked.

The only woman it seemed who was not having the time of her life with what was happening was Georgiana. Dressed in her purple gown and largest wig, she sat a little slumped on the couch. She was sipping her tea every now and then but crossing her arms. She stared daggers at the dog and how it trotted. She preferred any small circle that came over to obsess over the latest scandalous affair, but even then she kept one eye on Sonya as if the dog was a wolf ready to attack. She didn’t dare say a word to you. And you didn’t say a word to her. But if there was nothing said, then nothing bad could happen.

Smiling, you helped yourself to a red macaroon, delighting in the crunch and cream of it’s taste. Lady Svenska walked over to you and asked.

“Can she do tricks?” she questioned.

“Almost. She’s getting better at walking. She used to pull and run a lot, but she’s better at being obedient.”

“And she doesn’t tear things up?” she asked.

“Only sometimes. I have to watch where my dresses are stored,” you answered.

“Ah! She’s such a good dog! How lovely of you to bring her here, Madame Dymov!”

Georgiana’s eyes went dark.

“Will you come to our ball throwing this evening! It is most fun! Mine might go another inch!”

“I’d be delighted to! And be sure to tell me more about that maid with the baron old enough to be her grandfather too! And with copous details!” you added on.

“Oh! I do like you! And what of the Empress?”

“Well, we read. And we chat…”

“But all that reading!? Isn’t it time consuming!”

“A little. Her books can take time. I reread pages over and over…but in the best way. I suppose. It keeps her happy.”

“If you have any gossip about her, please share!”

“I..I, uh, will!” you promise.

“First of all, have you any plans or gifts to give her on her birthday, it’s coming up in about a month!”

“Hmm, I don’t know…” you mumbled.

At that moment your husband entered the room. He seemed a little uncomfortable with all of the flowers and pastel dresses, eyeing birds singing ditties in shiny cages and macaroons piled to his chest on platters.

“Oh, Y/N…where is Y/N?” he asked to one lady in a pink dress and grey wig.

She pointed in your direction and he smiled.

As he walked by, he passed the couch where Georgiana was sitting. Her shoe tapped his calf and he turned.

“Hello, Grigor…” she said with a faded grin.

“Hello, George,” he replied politely. Somehow, your blood felt hot. But yet, the marriage was over, so what if they even talked? He probably just enjoyed you talking with him and occasionally sleeping with him. But no, they had to be soulmates. And it was better not to disturb them. After all, despite the suddenness of the marriage, it would work. He would be happy.

“How is the party?” he asked, hands placed behind the back.

“Going perfect. We’re being introduced to the loud, hairy creature that lifts her leg when she pisses. Her dog is there too.” She quipped with a surprisingly relieved smile.

You froze. Little Sonya recognized Grigor and ran up to him, oblivious to how white his face was turning. A few fans were spread, and you barely heard feminine whispers of “…quite bitchy…” It got a little quiet. Even with the string quartet in the back was playing at a piano as if they wanted to hear what would happen next to.

Getting up, you turned around to leave them alone. Let them take it out. Let him laugh, Let her smile. Maybe even fuck against the wall like you noticed the odd couple doing on a night of reveling in the palace, no matter who might see or hear.

“George. I can’t control what you do on your own. But when you are with me, you will not speak about my wife in that matter.”

Pausing, you turned around. A couple quiet tears fell down your cheeks.

“You’re an esteemed lady of the court with the world at your fingertips. She’s a poor creature thrown into an arranged marriage, stolen from another country, and little to never to see any of her family or friends again while you just lay down and let Peter put fruit in your pussy and drink champagne.”

Wiping away tears with your hands, you stood still, not sure what to say. Grigor continued, truly angered and passionate.

“I didn’t marry her because of you. And she didn’t marry me so she could have my cock when you couldn’t. I did this so that we all- we all-“ he gestured to the people in the room “won’t be fucking ripped apart by Swede’s in a fortnight thanks to her families army. You will show her what little compassion you have in your tiny heart. You could even show her an ounce of gratitude for the sacrifice she and I made for the safety of everyone here, including yours. Or else I could have said no and let the swedes stab you in your tits when you’re asleep in the emperor’s bed. And I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep over it too. But I did.”

She froze. There was even a couple of gasps.

Scooping the tiny dog in his arms, he turned ot you promptly.

“I hope you’re enjoying yourself.”

“I…I am…” you answered. “But I’m tired, let’s go home and play cards.”

“I agree.”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A week later, Grigor had partied so much with the Emperor last night, wrestling and playing with some man named Leon or whoever. You peaked in the door, and yawning, retired to your own apartments to sleep even if alone.

Waking up briefly in the grey air, you felt him crawling into bed at four in the morning. So you let him sleep in as you took Sonya on her morning walk. Besides, she would pout and whine if you didn’t walk at her certain time.

“Here you go, I know, Papa can’t be there-but I will,” you assured the dog.

You made your way through the halls into the gardens. Sonya was already getting bigger. The collar and leash made for her a while ago was getting snug on her fluffy body.

Enjoying the forest, you heard the rhythmic crunch of the leaves and sticks beneath Sonya’s prancing paws. The cold air stung your lungs in the best way. The sky looked clear and crisp.

Sonya pointed her snout in one direction. She began pulling and barking.

“What is it? Some sort of creature!” you thought, walking forward.

It wasn’t a mouse of squirrel, there was a person slumped against a tree, sitting on the dirt. Walking closer, you made out a dark green skirt and a hat, but a head of dark, curly hair made loose. She reeked of vodka and beer. Her face was pale to where she seemed ill, rather than the lovely cream color of her skin. And beneath her eyes there were several bags.

“G..Georgiana…”

She turned her head to you, squinting.

“Yes…” she grunted.

“What are you doing here?”

She began to laugh a little, bitterly.

“I could ask the same…what are you doing here?”

“I’m walking Sonya…she needs to be exercised so she won’t get into trouble from being bored,” you explained, gripping the leash.

“Huh, I know sometimes…sometimes Grigor goes with you…” her voice was deep and throaty, far from her usual speaking tone. As if every word was choked up.

She seemed so pitiful you didn’t have the heart to chafe her.

“Yes, yes he does…”

Her exhausted eyes wandered forward into the grove of trees. She kept speaking to you.

“Sometimes we’d walk together. Only if it was nice. We did everything together. Walking. Eating. Dancing. Bathing together. Did you know…I even got my portrait painted and he kept it in his room! Right next to his bed…he…he cared for me so much to where I was right there with him every morning even when I wasn’t next to him and now…now he hates me…”

She began to sniffle, and a few tears worked up.

“No. No, I don’t think he hates you at all…”

“Why did he speak to me that way?”

“He just…he got emotional. And he has been emotional because he loves you. He’s every bit as sad as you are for not marrying…”

Sonya walked over to the crying woman. Alerted by the sounds, she walked over and sniffed at her wet face. She broke out  a smile.

“But the truth is…in this court, there’s plenty of women who’ve fucked Peter. More than half. That’s just a fact of life. But I… I love it. I love having men want me, being worshipped, loved, is that wrong?”

“It’s normal,” you admitted. “it’s normal to want to be loved.”

“And the things it gives you. It’s not the least bad. I have all sorts of things. Dresses. Hats. A high position in court. Security. Comfort. Occasionally I can change laws and save lives with just a word-imagine that! And jewels. Jewels I used to dream of having. And I get to enjoy making love to a man who’s skilled at it. It might be the only way for a woman here to move up. That’s the way it is, is that wrong? Is it wrong to enjoy fucking and love a man too? For them to be separate men? They do it all the time and no one bats an eye bit when I do…”

She finally fell down into sobs.

“And he just...he couldn’t accept it. He claimed he loved me, and I… I love him, I still do, he just couldn’t accept me as I am and this world as it is…I thought he knew me…and that I knew him…”

She began to cry more; Sonya reached over and began to lick her face. She laughed at the ridiculous feeling of a dog’s tongue right on your nose and you began to laugh too.

“Georgiana…I’m so sorry I yelled at you that first day…I saw you as a threat and didn’t stop to think what you would feel. How I would feel if I was in your shoes…”

“Ugh, you’re…you’re as saccharine as…as…I don’t even know, Y/N. I’d put you in my…my mouth and my blood would rush, and they’d have to let it out with slugs.”

Taking out a handkerchief, you began to wipe her tears from her face.

“I’m not the one in tears…but…he used to keep a portrait of you…” you questioned.

“He did…is it there? Maybe….”

“Not anymore…” you explained flatly.

So that explained the circular area on the wall next to the bed.

“I know you really do love Grigor. And you care for him…but loving someone is hard. I love my family and friends back home, or unless I wanted to make all of them suffer or even get killed, I had to let them go to come here…sometimes, there are things you have to let go and move on from…” you assured her. You aren’t a bad person for wanting those things. You’re a smart person for figuring out how to get them. I admire you for it.”

“I just keep wondering…I keep wondering what would happen if he said yes…if he agreed to the terms…we’d be so happy…”

And he would see you with Peter and be miserable. Then god knows what would happen you thought.

You took her arm and helped her to her shaky legs.

“But there’s no use in that. Here, let’s get you back to the palace. I think after you get some water and some sleep, you might feel better…”

“But Y/N, Grigor I think…he’s in denial how Peter works here. If a woman needs anything in court, and if Peter picks you…he picks you. And, well, there’s nothing you can do about it…”

Your stomach lurched.

    “Grigor might want a faithful wife. He might’ve thought he got that with you but…defying the Emperor is a risk. Too huge. Why say no? After all, he’s a genius at fucking so it could be worse…”

“You need water, Georgiana. And you need to clean up. Then you’ll feel better…” you interrupted, trying to mother her away and ignoring the fear in your gut.

 But as you were strolling later in the week, returning from another one of the Empresses’s private discussions, you saw a few ladies eye down at the book. Perhaps they judged you. Perhaps they were jealous. But one bespecaled face saw you, smiled, and then hurried up.

“Orlo! How are you?”

“Y/N-er-Madame Dymov! Enough about me already- I heard the Empress gave you a copy of the Rousseau! What do you think!?” he asked excitedly.

His dark eyes glittered at the book in your hands. Holding it up to him you let him inspect it.

“I was…I was shocked at first. His ideas felt like…like a blast of cold wind. But I…he made good points. And I found myself agreeing after some time…” you explained with a shrug.

“He’s one of my favorites, and tehre’s so much…so much inside there. But I…I wish I could explain it all…”

“Let’s go to my place, I’ll call for a plate...” you offered with a shrug and a smile.

Introducing him to the drawing room, he settled down shyly on the seat in front of the fire. You brought in some tea with a strawberry cake and wound up talking for a straight hour. He got his own turn to pet on little Sonya as she licked his fingers from the cake crumbs. You discussed Rousseau, then he went on to talk about Voltaire, Plato, Paine. Ideas stretched you and you found yourself talking about things you could never imagine debating about with anyone. About people. Power. Faith. Life. Death. Purpose, if there was one at all. Your cup became cold and you had to reheat it by pouring some liquid into it.

Orlo glowed as he explained it all. He was not condescending. In fact, it felt like being in school with  a good teacher. You understood and appreciated it even more. You were amazed with the depth of knowledge he had. Beneath his mousy exterior, there was a brilliant mind. Perhaps even genius. You were amazed in him. Strands of his hair loosened out and he smiled more, seeming relaxed and confident. Far more confident than you ever knew him to be in public.

“But out of all of them, I think my favorite is…”

The door creaked as it opened.

His head turned and you saw Grigor walking in. His face was pink, and his eyebrows crossed.

“Hello Orlo, what are you doing with my wife?” he asked, his lips tight and his voice firm.

“I, uh…” he found himself blubbering. His posture slouched and his hands retreated.

Standing at once, you walked up to Grigor with as much poise as you could.

“The empress gifted me with a book and Orlo was asking me about it over tea, nothing more…” you explained plainly.

“It’s fascinating. Isn’t it!” you added, throwing back a look.

Orlo nodded shyly, getting out of the seat like it had spikes.

“Very.”

“Oh, alright…” Grigor replied quietly.

Once Orlo thanked you for hosting him and shuffled out, Grigor’s eyes never left his steps.

 He was quiet over dinner. You had to ask questions about his day and have Sonya’s begging fill the silence. Later, you changed into your nightgown to see Grigor was already in bed.

You saw him curl up to the other side. Not turning around, holding the blanket over his shoulders and leaving your side disproportionally cold.

With a huff, you placed your hands on your hips.

“What is it?” You had a guess, but you wanted to hear it from him.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong” he said in a tone that said something was definitely wrong.

“What is it…tell me…” you wheedled, sitting on the bed and leaning closer to him.

He turned around.

“I understand we agreed to follow orders to marry. Not for us. Our countries, the safety of your family and for their workers and tenets to not go hungry, for protection, the alliance, and for Russia to succeed against the Swedes… but I know you didn’t choose to marry me…if you…if you…are in love… then I guess it would make it easier…but you will at least be honest with me and not play around when you fall in love with some man!”

“In love? With Orlo?!” you added.

His head snapped back at the sound of his name.

“If you love the prick, then that’s fine! It will make you bear being here better- it’s all fine!” He if it will make you bear this, bear being married to me…”

“I’m not in love with Orlo!” you laughed, placing a hand on his shoulder. He flinched a little, but didn’t turn away.

“What…you aren’t? Both of you always talk together.”

 “I always talk with the empress, and Tatyana and everyone else too. They’re my friends. He’s my friend as well… and…I…I promised you I won’t hurt you. That I will do my best not to hurt you…and you’re obviously hurt…” you reasoned.

The clock chimed the hour in the back.

“I…yes, I was…I had memories of when…you know…” he muttered out, looking down.

You folded your arms and turned away from him.

“Well, have you ever kissed Georgiana since our marriage? I guess you can run back to her, like I’m apparently running to Orlo. Should I be worried about her?”

“Uh-no! Not at all! We’ve barely talked since the betrothal! I talk more to Sonya than I do to her in a fortnight!” he said, pointing to the dog curled asleep on her pillow.

You crossed your arms and started to laugh a little. A smile cracked on his thin face as well.

“If I have no reason to suspect you of anything with George, you have no reason to suspect anything of me and Orlo!” you reasoned with a shrug.

Leaning forward, you pulled more of the cover to your side. He relented.

 Both of you were tense. Words left your voice.

“Just dinner and drinks with your friend, nothing more. Perfectly normal.” You assured.

Even if it meant eating in his chambers with large portraits all over the wall and a big green bed on the other side. Peter stood up and greeted you both. His arms were wide, pearls dangling from his neck.

“Ah, hello! Join me!” Peter cheered. “Grigor-make yourself at home! There’s already some food.

You carefully walked in, placing yourself on the couch and folded your hands in front of your lap. Unsure of what to do or say. A finger nudged you.

“Here, Y/N…here’s the seat for you!” your husband said, taking his large hands around your waist and picking you up as you let out a smile.

Grigor placed you on his lap, like he did on your wedding. Smiling, you accepted the feeling of him nearby and settled your weight. The closeness far more natural than ever. Grigor’s arms were warm as they passed dishes around from one man to the Emperor. A serf poured a Kiev vdoka and you enjoyed yourselves.

“I tell you- fucked a horse! It’s just a rumor-but can you believe it!” he said.

Laughing in spite of yourself, you shook your head insisting “no, I don’t!”

Smiling. Laughing. Everything felt normal. You laughed so hard you almost snorted your drinkand covered your mouth, laughing more at the dirtier humor. Years ago, your mother would have become so uncomfortable at such words she would excuse herself and complain about it later. Laughs held back were finally released, you jaw uhrt and your cheeks felt hot.

“And that’s what hapoens when you use the duck whistle on the balcony-“Oh, Grigor! Have I fucked your wife yet?”

The drink you were sipping almost spat out of your mouth and you coughed it out. Both of you froze again. You felt Grigor tense up. His breath quickened. His face turned white and then red and then white again. His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared.

Turning your head back, you began to give a charming smile at the emperor, even giving the little half smile you noticed to do. You decided if the subject came up, you would be prepared.

“Your highness, of yes, of course we’ve fucked. Several times!” you said.

Where he couldn’t see, you kicked Grigor’s leg to alert him.

“Oh, really!” he said.

“Ah! What a Casanova you are, Emperor! Losing track! But…”

You circled the rim of your glass, and then added on.

“I have an eternally dry pussy, can’t suck cock to save my life, and an ass so tight that deflects any object near the hole so it’s been rather disappointing. It’s a miracle my husband tolerates me. He’s hardly been able to finish the job!”

He tilted his head, pondering it with a hmmmm. Glancing at Grigor, you quickly mouthed “play along.” His eyes bright, he nodded at you, and then to the Emperor in agreement.

“Yes! Fucking Y/N is a total disappointment. Remember her place? They’re boring, plain people even when fucking.”

Peter nodded in agreement, his eyes up to the sky as if thinking about the fake experience. Not that it was to think.

“Humph. I…I think you’re right. It was disappointing. Grigor, if you need me to order you a whore, let me know.”

You kept your hand on his and you saw his eyes dart in confusion and realization, his brain thinking a hundred thoughts.

“Please pour me another drink…” you said, holding your cup to a serf.

“Besdies, Catherine…she’s been having all these ideas about art. And I saw a portrait and I…I cried! I fucking cried-can you believe it? I never knew she could..could even make me feel like that!”

 As you left the chambers, you squeezed his hand. Both of you let out a breath and continued some nervous laughter until you were both home.

“That was brilliant!” He praised, sinking in relief in the chair. There was already a fire crackling, drawing warmth into the chilly room.

“I knew he would bring it up, soon. So, I might as well. Now you don’t have to worry about anything…at least for now…” you said with a shrug.

“Oh, but the party tomorrow…you’ll be careful. I think people will be very merry and he might…get carried away…”

“Just give him a galloon a vodka then, he’ll won’t be able to stand.”

 --------------------------------------------------

As the party the next night raged on, it struck you that it was Grigor who was well on his way to drinking a gallon of vodka. The rooms glowed yellow orange with all of the candles. Stringed guitars played out dancing tunes with throaty Russian lyrics where although the words were hard to understand, you had to tap your toes. Women walked by with snakes draped over their necks and you stared in frightened awe at the creature, as if in Eden. Your own gown was a pale pink with bows on the stomacher, a ruffled skirt beneath the first one, and you hair done up in flowers and feathers. You even agreed to wear a beauty mark of a small dog on your cheek. Girgor himself had a grey wig and his finest, deep green suit. He eyed plates of vodka, reaching for two small glasses and downing them…and supper would be served in an hour.

You noticed and Empress and Emperor dancing. She swished her pale pink skirt and he twirled in a black skirt, carefree. It was almost like watching a fight, how they were both powerful yet matched each other.”

“Come on, you sad bastards!? Why aren’t you dancing!? Dance! I command you!” Peter cried out in joy.

“Y/N! Y/N- we haven’t danced too much-let’s dance! Dance with me!” Grigor insisted, pulling you further down.

“Grigor, that’s the vodka talking!”

The musicians were warming up for the next piece in the corner.

“I…I don’t know the…” you mumbled in a panic as other couples filled the floor.

“Oh no-just follow me!” He said with a big smile and his face flushed.

  Still you ran out with him, mimicking hand movements and your feet trying to keep up with the steps. If you felt him leading you somewhere, you followed. If you sepearted in lines, you kept an eye on him.

“Girgor…do the trick! The trick!” Peter insisted, running up in the middle.

Eyes wide, you saw your husband grab hold of your body.

“Here. Y/N! I can do it- hold on! Jump up.

He lifted you up in his arms and twirled you up, his arms adjusting to hold you up so that he held you up by your legs, your stomach to his face. You could hear him muffling beneath your clothes.

“We need smof practif…”

But Peter laughed and you heard loud applauding as faces turned to look at you. Even George’s own face had a smile, albeit a sad one.

He set you down.

“Let’s try it again, put your leg on my shoulder…now your other leg..ooof! Now, this one is better!”

He lifted you up so high, you realized you were on his shoulders, and emabarrasingly his head was near your crotch. The court applauhded and laughed and huzzahed. It was so fun you almost forgot your fear of being dropped. you laughed as you held onto his shoulders for deaer life, thrilled to see everyone smaller before you. As if they dhrunk or you became a giant. The chandeliers dripping with diamonds were easy to your touch, your fingertips grazed one as Grigor walked in a circle.

“Ha! I knew you could do it good chap!” Peter applauded before asking.

Grigor placed you down with a smile, he placed his hands on your cheeks and for a moment you thought he was going to kiss you, then his eyes wandered to some vodka and he took another shot.

 He was singing as the party ended late in the night. You struggled to support him over your shoulders.

“Grigor…be careful…”

Once you got into the room, Sonya woke up from her nap and barked, jumping at your feet. Staggering, you brought him to your bedchambers.

“Let’s get your clothes off…” you said, pulling his coat off and placing it on the floor.

“You wish to see me naked, you could’ve asked, darling…”

Sighing, you poured the hot water into the golden tub.

“If you don’t bathe, then you’re sleeping with Sonya…”

He leaned down in his shift and breeches to the wagging tail beneath him.

“Oh….hello doggie, cute doggie…good doggie…”

“To bath, Grigor!”

Eventually, you got him to bathe enough to where he didn’t reek of alcohol. Once he dried off, you pushed his breeches onto him.

“None of that tonight with you drunk off your head!”

“Can’t I at least kiss you?” he complained childishly.

“Fine, but it stops at kissing!”

Once you finally settled within your own sheets, legs and feet sore from dancing, you barely put the blankets over you when  you felt two large arms wrap themselves around you and hug you tight, pulling you close. He laughed a bit before kissing you on top of your head. You smirked and let him obloge. Then you felt him relax.

“Y/N, I love you….”

You froze solid, your stomach dropping.

“What?”

He took a hand and placed it on your cheek again, before it sloppily fell down.

“Y/N, my sweet angel…I love you…”

Shaking your head, you pulled the covers above you both.

“That’s the vodka talking, now go to sleep….”

He went back to holding you, turning you so that your back was turned to him, you felt and smelt his breath as he kept speaking.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m falling in love with you this minute and…I’m fucking terrified…”

You let his arms settle.

“Don’t wanna…get hurt, get shat on…but every day I’m….falling more in love with you…and it makes me both so happy and scared I could fucking scream…that was why Orlo fucking scared me, and Peter, that wonderful, bastard. I love him, but if he lays a hand on you, I swear to god…”

“Grigor…you need to sleep. You’re drunk. Only time will wear it off.”

Besides, it was better to not get your hopes up.

‘I can’t believe I’m fucking falling in fucking love all over again…never thought after George that I would….never would let myself…thought ”

“But Grigor…you….”

“I’d like to see you…see you happy. See your smiling face before I sleep.”

You gave him a small smile and his eyes fluttered shut.

“Grigor…do you…do you love me….do you really love me…”

You gave him a small smile. He then rolled on his belly, spread like a starfish. He was snoring deeply in minutes.

“Because I think I’m falling in love with you too…” you wanted to say.

taglist:  @retropetalss @queenlover05 @joesleee   @grigorlee@itsametaphorgwil @always-a-fairycat @foxinaforestofstars @simonedk @i-wished-upon-a-star-one-night @queenlover05 @xviiarez @kiainspace @gwilymleeisbae @writeroutoftime @staradorned @iwritefanficnotprophecies @panagiasikelia @marshmxllowfluf @rhapsodyrecs @sebastiistan​ @yourlocalmusicalprostitute @gwiilymslee @isitstraightvodka​ @cherry--coke​

[foiblepnoteworthy]

[ID 4 images. First is of Jon and his Nan holding hands and walking, then sitting together both looking away. Second is of Jon and Gertrude, backs to eath other bit watching each other from across the room. Third is of Jon and Gerry painting each others nails. Fourth is adult Jon in a large pink cardigan.

Extended ID under the cut. I recommend that you check it out even if you don’t want to read the full analysis and reasoning, as it points out the parts of the drawings that mean things, if that’s what you’re into yanno.]

I am once again talking about @polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup’s fic nature has taught her creatures to hate bc i am on a crusade to get everyone to read it (i do not know how i will accomplish this but i shall).

Anyway latest chapter had a few lines that made me feel things and a few lines that made me think things and then i started thinking about how i design Jon’s outfits for this au again and now i have to talk about it a bit under the cut.

Okay, so - first up i made a lil’ mistake with the first drawing - which was inspired by the line, ‘”They smell like home”’ in reference to Jon smoking cigarettes (from chapter 9). Naturally my first thought was his Nan, which is what inspired the above drawing, until I re-reread chapter 2 today and noticed the line ‘Nan hates smoking’, which rather suggests she wasn’t the person Jon was referencing. 

This is fascinating because, up until now, I had assumed that all of Jon’s wishes to ‘go home’ were wished to see his Nan. Clearly this isn’t the case when it comes to the cigarettes. However, later in the new chapter there came a reference to my canon-smoking dead gay goth son, Gerry. I have concluded that Jon has changed his definition of home to Gerry at some point. 

In a way I can’t quite articulate, I feel that there is a connection between Jon’s starving chain-smoking, his only connection between his home and his friend, and the line ‘”I’m more like me, like this”’ (in reference to his statement starvation). With the way smokers will often smoke to reduce their appetite, I think that smoking serves as a pseudo-anchor for him; that by attaching himself to Gerry as much as he can, he is trying to hold onto an identity he can barely recognise. 

The point of these drawings was to try to analyse Jon’s identity and self-expression. Naturally, how Jon presents himself is something I think about a lot in relation to this series because if i didn’t i would never get anything done. So far there haven’t been many canon descriptions of him, but the smaller details paint an interesting picture, and the missing gaps are just a playground for me I guess. 

Aside form references to how exhausted he looks in general, the first description of Jon, as i recall, came from Gertrude, describing Jon after what I believe was a few years under Elias’/Wright’s ‘care’. She mentioned his ‘short neat hair’ and his ‘clean white shirt’, (or something to that effect), which did not match the Jon I was more familiar with - with tiredness sagging his shoulders and the bags under his eyes; and feminine clothing and hair - but it did match Elias rather well. Elias would never have allowed Jon to look like anything other than his model son, a shrunken mirror image, so the long hair had to go. 

Gertrude, I don’t think, was ever unkind to Jon. He felt her eyes on him often, and their conversations were never more or less than cordial words between strangers, but they spent years in each others company, shackled to the same rooms and man and god. Her little kitten knick-knack still sits in pride of place on his/her/their desk, and Jon never could clear out the spare clothes that smelled of burning buildings and insulted the dress code. 

During the brief months or years he was allowed Gerry’s company, Jon would naturally have picked up on the other kid’s famous talent for self-expression. At this point he began to re-grow his hair out, tying it up in a bun in an imitation of his old style; of how his Nan wore it. Gerry wore skirts for their gender and Jon wore his for his Nan (putting a pin in the gender thing for a spare day that would never come). Gerry walked around in a cloud of rebellious smoke, sheltering Jon under their wing and smiles, and when they were gone Jon puffed out a cloud of lonely fog in an imitation of their company. 

Extended ID

[ID 4 images in a rough wavy chalky style. This style doesn’t lend itself well to close detail, so no faces are rendered. In all drawings Jon is depicted with brown skin and dark hair. 

First is of Jon and his Nan. There are two drawings in this image, first the two of them walking together, holding hands and looking away from each other. Jon is looking at his book, which has a red cover and cream pages, and Nan is smoking a cream cigarette with a glowing red end. 

Their outfits are matching: Jon’s trousers and Nan’s blouse are both a pale blue; and Jon’s top and Nan’s floor length skirt are red-pink. Nan’s colour palette is more washed out than Jon’s, but the resemblance is clear. They both have long hair up in buns and where their hand link they blend together seamlessly. 

The background for the first image is pale, but gets darker going down the image (think ‘colour of the sky’). In the second part of this drawing Jon and Nan both sit on the floor, back to back. Nan is curled up tight, her face buried in a book; her shoulders are tense, up to her ears. Jon sits turned away from the viewer, a lit cigarette in his hand, the slump of his shoulders and the limp hand signifying defeat. Once again their colours and hair match each other.

In both of these images the signature is in bright red, encouraging the viewer to look at the shared cigarette and book, the link and the downfall. 

The second image shows Jon and Gertrude. Gertrude has short grey hair in a perm, and wears a pale blouse and long purple skirt. She is surrounded by vague smoke. Jon wears pressed slacks and a neat buttoned-up shirt, and his hair is short and neatly combed. A spider hangs, unnoticed, from his elbow. They’re both turned away from each other, a statement in hand, each at a three-quarter angle. The light source is between them, meaning that the farthest side of each of their faces is in shadow. In that shadow shines a green eye, which watches the other. 

The third image shows Jon and Gerry together, sat on the floor next to some empty shelves. Gerry is dressed in almost all black, with a black trench coat and skirt and long black-brown hair. They also wear silver piercings, fishnets and a pink crop top. Their skin is pale. In one hand they hold a purple nail polish brush, and in the other they hold Jon’s hand. A lit cigarette hangs between their lips, smoke filling the upper quarter of the image. 

Jon sits against the wall. He wears a pinkish skirt an blue blouse, similar to his Nan’s clothes in the first images. The sides of his dark hair hangs to his chin, while the top is help up in a small bun, which is close to collapsing. The hand that Gerry isn’t holding is wrapped around his knees, which are pulled up to his chest. He leans forwards, intent on Gerry.

On the shelf next to them there are three bottles of nail polish. On the floor beside them are their shoes - Jon’s neat brown oxfords and Gerry’s chunky steel-toed platforms - and a red and cream packet of cigarettes. 

They are turned towards each other, something tender in the faceless looks they give each other, in the gentle hold Gerry has on Jon’s hand with it’s freshly painted purple nails. 

The fourth image shows Jon on his own. His hair is up in a bun, and he wears a long red skirt. He wears a long pink cardigan that used to belong to Gertrude, half off the shoulder as though it doesn’t matter .He has platform heels, purple painted nails, a metal band t-shirt and a cigarette in his mouth. 

[nekojitachan]

I just read armies for the third time and every time I reread is just as fuckin amazing as the last time... Also I saw an ask once mentioning a collection about Aaron visiting Andrew in London, just wondering if you have any plans of posting again? I'm just so weak for my minyard boys. Hope you're good! Love your writing please never leave us ❤️

Ah... I went looking for the link to the story but I’ve been unable to find it yet (I know I would have used something to tag it, but that’s not working). I do have it saved, but not the link (on a side note, I found a twinyard prompt that I’ve forgotten about). So here it is again (until I either add it to Armies properly or do an Armies side stories post on AO3):

*******

Abram smiled at Ashley as he leaned gingerly against the top of one of her monitors with his chin resting on top of his folded arms. “So, I sent you the file last night, and let me tell you, it was rather difficult reining in Andrew while I corrected the few grammar mistakes – he wanted to make a couple comments on the paper.” That had surprised Abram, his husband’s interest on the topic, but Kimberly had picked an interesting book for once.

Ashley laughed as she leaned back in her chair and toyed with her long, dark brown braid. “I appreciate your efforts since I can only imagine what he’d have put in there.” She shuddered a little which made Abram smile in shared horror. “She’s doing better?”

“Yes, I imagine soon enough you’ll have to come up with something else when I ask for a favor.” Ashley smiled at that, a mixture of pride for her younger sister and delight in thinking up a new ‘price’ for Abram when he needed certain things done; he didn’t mind because Ashley was a minor miracle worker and usually asked for small, easily to do things in return such as proofing her sister’s uni papers or bringing back certain items from their travels.

“I’m sure I’m up to the challenge,” Ashley said as she tapped away on her keyboard. “As is, I’ve just sent you my part of our latest bargain. The email contains all the information you need in regards to the reservations I made for your dinners and a private appointment at Barts Pathology Museum.” She gave him a pleased smile as she once again toyed with her braid. “Anything else?”

“Don’t let the place descend into chaos while we’re away, yes?” Abram asked as he stood up and gave her a jaunty salute.

“I’ll do my best!” Ashley called out as he walked away, voice bright with laughter. Maddy and Rita (who was back in the office while she did some research before her next mission) wished him a nice ‘holiday’ as he left the office to meet up with his husband.

Andrew was standing out in the hallway with Lloyd and Kathryn Ambrose, one of the higher-ups who handled the EMEA region. Despite Lloyd’s occasional grumbling about the woman (he tended to grumble about anyone ranked above him), Abram never had a problem with Kathryn, who always treated him and Andrew with polite respect. “Hello, Abram,” she greeted him.

“Hello, Kathryn. Everything all right?”

“Yes, I was just talking to Lloyd and Andrew about how there’s a potential situation in Hungary. I know you’re about to go on holiday, but I just wanted to give you a head’s up that we may need to send the two of you there once you’re back.”

Lloyd nodded as he motioned to Andrew and then Abram. “Bit of a special request, but some people feel that you two could help out the agents already there.”

It wasn’t as if they could say ‘no’ when it was their jobs; Abram shared a look with Andrew who gave a slight nod after a moment. In a way, it might be better for them since someone else would be taking the lead on the mission and they would be providing support, would be more in the background. Though it meant that they’d have to do a bit of research before they left even though they were supposed to be on break.

“Send us all of the necessary information,” Abram said as he went to stand next to his husband.

“Though we’ll need an extra day or two to prepare,” Andrew argued as he stared down Lloyd.

“Of course. I’ll have Maddy put together the intel and send it to you by tomorrow.” Lloyd knew better than to fight with Andrew by then, especially with Kathryn right there (and when she appeared pleased by their agreement). That dealt with, they said their ‘goodbyes’ and left.

It wasn’t as if Andrew’s brother and sister-in-law would want to see them the entire time they were in London – they were visiting for a medical conference, after all, so they should have plenty of time to go over the material. If anything, the extra day or two they’d won from Lloyd would be spent by themselves to ‘recover’ from the visit.

Abram had the suspicion that they would need the days to recover, considering how Andrew was already on edge from the approaching visit, which was why he’d done everything he could to ensure that Aaron and Katelyn had an enjoyable (and busy) time once they arrived. He’d enlisted Ashley’s help on the matter, since he didn’t want the family too involved with Andrew’s brother ‘just in case’.

The Minyards were due to arrive the next day, and were staying at some hotel in central London where the conference was being held (along with a couple of ‘minders’ from the family), but had agreed to meet up with Andrew and Abram during their free time. Nicky and Erik would come to visit in a couple days for a mini-reunion, so there were dinners arranged and Abram had planned for an excursion or two for the couple to enjoy (by themselves).

Things between the brothers had improved since the wedding in South Carolina last year, had been tense phone calls at first before the two had moved on (somewhat) from the past, but Aaron and Andrew spending time together like this was a big step that Abram wasn’t certain that they were ready for just yet. Still, it was what it was, and in a few days Aaron would return to the States and soon after that Andrew would have an excuse to vent any disappointment by killing someone (more than likely).

“What idiocy are you contemplating now?” Andrew asked as he drove them home.

“Hmm, just that you’ll probably have to wait a week or so to commit therapeutic homicide, hon,” Abram confessed, and laughed when his husband heaved a weary sigh.

“Should have had the damn judge say ‘until insanity do you part’, could have gotten out of this marriage ages ago,” Andrew grumbled even as he held out his hand for Abram to entwine their fingers together.

“You like my mental instability,” Abram insisted as he smiled. “Keeps things interesting.”

Andrew did the sighing thing again but didn’t disagree.

Stuart and Davis were in the townhouse when they arrived, which drew a displeased frown from Andrew when he caught sight of Abram’s uncle standing in the kitchen with a purring King in his arms. Davis grinned while he held up his hands in a placating manner. “Just dropping off a few things and checking in on the kids.”

Abram patted his husband on the back before he went to hug his uncle, mindful of King who was handed over when they stepped apart. “You look tired, is everything all right?” Jamie had told him that Stuart was traveling a lot lately when they’d last talked; Abram had checked a few documents for the family to ensure that everything was on the up and up in the contracts.

“Too much drinking with Camillo last night,” Stuart complained. “Looking forward to being home for a bit.” He gave Abram an exhausted smile as he scratched King’s chin. “I know you’re busy the next few days, but if you’ve some time, call me and we’ll have some tea, yeah?”

Abram nodded in agreement. “That’s doable.” They should be able to meet up while Aaron and Katelyn were busy with the conference.

“Good. There’s some chocolates and jenever for you, and Ravi will show up with the cars when you need one, just call.” Stuart waved to Andrew as he left, and Davis bent over to give a meowing Sir a stroke along the back on the way out.

“Couldn’t he have brought some damn whisky?” Andrew complained as he headed straight to the boxes of chocolates out on the island while Abram shook his head and set King down on the floor.

“Your life’s so hard,” Abram remarked as he picked up the bottles of gin-like liquor and stored them away in the cabinet (he had a feeling he’d need them soon enough). “So, we eating in tonight or going out?”

“In, since we’ll be going out the next few nights,” Andrew said between bites of sweets.

That decided, Abram checked the fridge and cabinets before he settled on a spicy chicken and rice dish to make later, and worked on a few more documents for Jamie in-between calls with his cousin and Nicky while Andrew read a book. They went out to sit by the fish pond for a little while before he started on dinner, a mug of tea in his hands and a glass of whisky in Andrew’s, an enjoyable half an hour where Andrew made his usual threats over the poor fish and Abram slumped down enough to rest his head against his husband’s broad shoulder, content to sit there next to him and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Then he was given a shove to the knee and told to go cook something that wouldn’t poison the both of them.

Abram bit back a smile as he called his husband a prat for the umpteenth time, affection a warm tingle in his chest.

Andrew sat at the island and texted with Nicky while he made their dinner, and had a glass of wine waiting for him once it was done (and stole the damn naan once Abram sat down). It was nights like these which Abram treasured the most during all the years they’d been together, when they ‘bickered’ during dinner then curled up together in the living room (since it was late spring it wasn’t too warm yet for a fire) to watch a few episodes of a baking show they both enjoyed (easy to follow with their schedule) then head upstairs after a few hours.

They were tired, but not too tired. Looks were exchanged and clothes were shed before they sprawled out on opposite ends of the bed, where Abram spent a moment enjoying the sight of Andrew’s stocky yet muscular body (save for the slightest pouch of fat on his belly which he adored) before he gasped as his husband stroked his half-tumescent cock then leaned in to nuzzle it and-

He much enjoyed it when Andrew performed oral sex, but he also much enjoyed it when he could reduce Andrew to a shuddering mess with his mouth and hands, so it was the best of both worlds when they both blew each other. It didn’t take long until they both were shivering messes sprawled out on the bed, and then the bastard dragged him off to the shower to wash off before they tucked in beneath the blankets for a restful night’s sleep.

Mostly.

Andrew was up first, which was a rare occasion; Abram resisted the temptation to follow his husband out of the bed but decided to give him a bit of peace (half an hour) before he got up as well. He found Andrew working out and only put in a mile or two on the treadmill before he went to wash off then began work on a batch of chocolate chip and hazelnut hotcakes. It was right as he finished the last one that Andrew joined him, fresh from his own shower.

“I guess you won’t be fish bait just yet, babe,” the prat remarked as he rested his chin on Abram’s left shoulder and wrapped his right arm around Abram’s waist.

“If it wouldn’t be so traumatic to the cats and Nicky, I’d file for divorce,” Abram teased as he added the last hotcake to the huge stack next to the stove.

Andrew clicked his tongue before he snatched up the plate. “You’ve never had it so good and you know it.”

Yes, Abram did indeed ‘know it’, but there was no need to say it, was there? “Did you hit your head with a weight or what?” he asked instead, and rolled his eyes when Andrew made a rude gesture his way. “I’ve merely decided to wait for you to die from clogged arteries or diabetes instead, it’s much easier than dealing with solicitors and the such, hon.”

“What was that?” Andrew waited until he was seated at the island and his precious carbs set down to reach for his phone. “I’m making note of this so when we’re either divorced or you mysteriously disappear one day, there’s no problem with me taking custody of the cats and Bren – yet another cruel comment bordering on abuse.” He made a show of typing on his phone before he set it down then got up to fetch the whipped cream and syrup for his hotcakes. “How I suffer for this relationship.”

“Yeah, yeah, be sure to tell Nicky – oh, wait, I’ll do it for you.” Abram grinned when Andrew’s shoulders hunched upward at that remark. “I’m sure he’ll be ever so helpful with recommendations on how to save our marriage.”

Andrew gave him a long, level look for several seconds (which was impressive, considering the stack of hotcakes before him) before he spoke. “He’ll torment you just as much as me, you know.”

Ah, a flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. “Uhm… I’ll be off with Stuart?”

“You think the pest won’t rat you out to the family?”

Dammit, there was that – Stuart had actually calmed down on the whole ‘Andrew is bad’ front and all. “He’ll still be worse with you,” Abram argued as he set about making some scrambled eggs for himself.

“Right. Idiot.” Still, Andrew appeared smug as he finally cut into his stack of sugary carbs, so Abram felt pleased as he prepared his own breakfast. Once it was done, he sat down and rolled his eyes at how most of the hotcakes were already gone.

Andrew checked his phone while they ate and reported that Maddy had sent the intel for the Hungary mission, which they’d start parsing through later. Abram had just enough time to wash the dishes and go change before they left for the airport in the Aston Martin sedan which Navi had dropped off for them to use to pick up Aaron and Katelyn since neither of the sports cars in the garage would handle four people and luggage. Since Andrew didn’t trust anyone but the two of them or Bren (who made sure the cars didn’t sit idle too long) driving the sports cars, they didn’t want to have them out of the garage for the few days that Aaron and Katelyn were in town, so Ravi would drop off and pick up the sedans whenever Andrew needed one to drive his brother around town rather than let them sit in the driveway overnight.

Abram waited until they were past the worst of the traffic to speak up. “Aaron’s into general practice and Katelyn’s pediatrics?” He hadn’t paid much attention when Andrew spoke about his brother, other than to note that they were getting along (finally).

“Yes.” Andrew tapped his fingers against the steering wheel then sighed. “They both work at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston. Guess it balances out us a bit, right?” He glanced aside at Abram with a slight quirk to the corner of his mouth. “We kill people, they heal them.”

“We don’t kill everyone,” Abram argued. “There’s some missions where people live.” He smiled when Andrew snorted in dissent. “Whatever.”

“Whatever indeed.” Andrew’s eyes narrowed at the hatchback driving much too slow in front of them. “I’m about to kill someone right now.”

Someone was probably going to get multiple vehicle violations in the mail within the next few days, Abram suspected, but for once the threat wasn’t directed toward himself so he merely settled a little lower in the comfortable leather seat and used his phone to check the traffic ahead.

They reached Heathrow shortly after Aaron texted to say that he and Katelyn had cleared Customs and retrieved their luggage, and so drove to Arrivals to pick them up. For some reason the two had declared that they didn’t have to go into the airport to greet them, so Andrew drove the sedan to the general arrival area where the two should be waiting and found them by spotting Aaron’s familiar visage.

The couple appeared surprised by the Aston Martin as it pulled up to the curb and when both Andrew and Abram exited the vehicle, with Katelyn breaking into a grin while Aaron shook his head. “It’s so good to see you!” the young woman exclaimed as she made an abortive motion as if to give Andrew a hug then thought better of it. “Thank you so much for coming to pick us up.”

“Ah, yeah, you didn’t have to do that,” Aaron said in a much more subdued manner; he was dressed in worn jeans and a MUSC long-sleeved t-shirt, while Katelyn wore leggings and a brightly colored PSU sweatshirt. “We could have taken a cab or something.”

“But the hotel room won’t be ready for a few hours,” Abram said while Andrew grabbed the luggage to put into the car’s boot. “I thought that’s why-“

“Ignore him,” Katelyn insisted as she nudged her husband in the side. “He’s grumpy because of the long flight.” She gave Abram a grateful smile while Aaron huffed and went to help his brother with the luggage. “We appreciate everything you’re doing for us.”

“Uhm, it’s nothing, really.” Abram motioned toward the car and fumbled for the door handle so he could open it for her. “Let’s get going.”

“Okay.”

Katelyn smiled as he closed the door once she was inside, yet Aaron gave Abram a displeased look over the hood of the car before he slid inside. Abram frowned over the reaction then shrugged as he returned to his seat up front.

“This your car?” Aaron asked once they drove away from the airport. “Seems a bit too normal for you, a bit proper and all.”

Abram bit into his bottom lip to hold back a chuckle as Andrew revved the 560 horse power engine to easily bypass the traffic as they merged onto the highway. “It’s not bad for a loaner, but I much prefer the Vantage S Roadster or the Maclaren 720S. They’re not meant for four people,” Andrew stated in a bored tone, “unless you want to ride on the roof.” He gave a look at his brother through the rear-view mirror. “That an option?”

His brother was quiet for several seconds before he made a disgusted noise. “Like rubbing it in that you’ve got money now, don’t you?”

“Aaron,” Katelyn protested in a quiet, unhappy voice.

“I wasn’t the one to bring it up,” Andrew pointed out as his hands tightened around the steering wheel.

That seemed to deflate Aaron’s bad attitude as he slumped back in the seat and was quiet for the rest of the drive to the townhouse. After about ten minutes, Abram spoke out in Chinese. “Perhaps we can be assigned to Hungary a little early.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Andrew replied, but there was the slightest bit of humor in his deep voice and his grip relaxed.

It looked as if Aaron wanted to say something when they reached the townhouse, but Katelyn managed to step on his foot before she walked away from the car. “It’s lovely,” she said in a bright manner as they entered the building.

“Ah, thank you.” Abram was a little unnerved by how cheerful she was about everything, despite being used to Nicky’s exuberant nature; why was she with a dour person like Aaron? “Would you like something to drink? Tea or coffee?”

“Tea?” Aaron muttered as he glanced around. “Can he be any more British?” That seemed to be directed at Andrew.

Katelyn’s smile appeared a little strained at the comment, and then Sir came trotting along, probably attracted to the sound of their voices. “Aw, would look at… him?” she asked as she glanced at Abram, who nodded. “Aw, such a pretty boy,” she cooed as she bent down to pet Sir, who began to purr at the attention. “And coffee, if it’s not too much trouble. We’re trying to stay awake until tonight, we heard it’s best for jet-lag.”

Abram made a quick escape to the kitchen and left it to Andrew to show his family around the first floor of the townhouse. He heard Katelyn’s excited voice as the coffee brewed, and the three returned as he poured the hot beverage in four mugs; it didn’t come as a surprise when Andrew headed straight for the cabinet which contained the whisky.

“The place really is lovely,” Katelyn exclaimed as she leaned against the island as she looked around at everything. “I especially like the backyard. We keep talking about getting a townhouse one day, but we’re so busy with work right now that an apartment is easier to maintain.”

“It won’t be anything like this,” Aaron muttered, but he gave Andrew a slight, grateful smile when whisky was added to his mug. “We’re saving up enough money that we’ll get something nice for Charleston.”

“Just another year or two!” Katelyn gave a slight laugh as she leaned against her husband with an arm wrapped around his waist. “And by that point, we should be able to enjoy the new home! You know what they say about residents and long hours.”

Aaron grimaced at that. “I didn’t think anything could make me feel as tired as Day’s obnoxious practices when we reached the semi-finals, but a twenty-hour shift will do it.”

Abram perked up a little at the mention of Exy, at least until his husband gave him a ‘gentle’ kick in the right ankle. “So lots of long days, huh?” he asked as he got up to fetch a tin of biscuits to go along with the coffee, which he made sure to set close to Andrew. “I’m sure you have stories to tell, yes?”

He might not know how to deal with ‘normal’ people like Aaron and Katelyn after being raised by criminals and murderers, but he knew how to get people talking, especially after going to work for Lloyd. Especially after seeing the flashes of envy in Aaron’s eyes (an emotion so unfamiliar in Andrew’s) since picking the couple up from the airport.

It didn’t take much prodding for the two (especially Aaron) to reminisce about stories during their years as interns and residents, about the patients they’d treated while on the long training shifts and their fellow students. For a while it appeared that Aaron tried to disturb them by recounting the most gruesome stories that he could, but gave up when neither Abram nor Andrew were bothered (that and it seemed as if Katelyn did some kicking of her own).

If only Aaron had a clue what his brother had been up to the last few years, but all he’d been told was that Abram’s family was in ‘shipping and trading’ and that the two of them currently worked for the government.

Abram noticed that Andrew avoided looking at Katelyn directly when she talked, his gaze often cast at the mug held behind his hands, and figured that his husband still had some issues in regards to Aaron’s relationship. He also noticed that Aaron focused his attention on his brother rather than look at him, especially once it was clear that Abram wasn’t the ‘squeamish’ sort.

Andrew wasn’t the only one with his issues, it seemed.

Katelyn was in the middle of talking about some child who’d eaten too much raw pizza dough when her phone chimed. “Oh,” she said when she read the message. “We can check in now.”

Andrew stood up while Abram gathered the mugs. “It won’t take long to get to the hotel,” Andrew said as he walked away (probably for a cigarette before the drive into the city), and Aaron excused himself for a moment, which left Abram and Katelyn alone in the kitchen. He went to put the mugs in the dishwasher and was surprised when Katelyn came over with the tin of biscuits.

“Uhm, we really appreciate all of this,” she said in a quiet voice. “I know you don’t have to drive us around or have dinner with us and stuff, that it probably would have been enough for Andrew and Aaron to just meet up for coffee or something.” She gave Abram a wry smile when he held up one of the mugs. “He might not show it, but it means a lot to Aaron that Andrew’s willing to spend so much time with him after everything, and he’s… he’s trying, honest.”

Abram was beginning to see why Aaron had fought his brother so much (according to Nicky) for this woman, with her cheerful disposition, intelligence and obvious love for the man. “Well, he is a Minyard,” Abram said once the dishes were put away. “I know what to expect.”

She giggled a little and nodded. “Yes, and while they’re wonderful men, they’re stubborn as well. Very stubborn.”

“Ah….” Abram made a show of holding up his hands and shaking his head in a clear sign of not wanting to incriminate himself (at least, not when there was a chance of Andrew walking in at any moment).

Katelyn giggled some more and gave him a sympathetic look. “Right, not trying to get you in trouble, but I understand. I can’t always say that we’ve gotten along,” she rolled her eyes in an exaggerated manner at that, “but I’m happy that Andrew found someone.”

“Thank you.” Figuring it was best to change the subject before his husband returned, Abram motioned to the young woman’s purse. “So, there’s a couple of dinners we arranged and a friend of ours lined up a tour we think you and Aaron might enjoy, but do you want or need to do any shopping while you’re in town? Anything to take back home?” There’d been times when some friends of Nicky’s had come for a visit and needed souvenirs and the such. “I’ve a good friend who works at Harrods who can be of assistance.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful!” Katelyn beamed at the offer and went on about a shopping list she’d been given by her coworkers and her mother, as well as a couple items she’d hoped to find before she left; both Andrew and Aaron rolled their eyes as she talked while Abram sent a text to Liliya to arrange an afternoon when the two could meet up – maybe even have Nicky join in since he’d probably enjoy the excursion and got along well with Liliya.

Tension seemed to leave Andrew’s shoulders once the couple was dropped off at their hotel, and it was a quiet ride back to the townhouse. Abram made them some spiked tea and tugged Andrew out to sit by the pond, content to be alone with his husband once again. “That wasn’t too bad, was it? Katelyn seems nice.”

For once, he didn’t think the frown directed at the pond had anything to do with Andrew’s ‘dislike’ with the fish. “She’s still annoying as ever,” Andrew proclaimed before drinking his tea.

“Really?” Abram sighed as he leaned against Andrew. “How long are you going to hold this grudge? I mean, it’s just been… what, almost ten years? Something like that?” Couldn’t he just accept the poor woman already?

“Forgiven Ally for Calais yet?” Andrew asked as he stole Abram’s tea, the bastard.

“Never mind,” Abram sighed as he slumped down on the bench. “It’s going to be a few awkward dinners, how wonderful. At least I’m not driving.” He had a feeling that there would be at least a bottle or two of wine consumed at dinner.

“I put up with your insane family all the time, you can put up with Aaron and the cheerleader tramp for a few nights,” Andrew told him in that ‘agree with me or else’ tone that always made Abram want to grit his teeth.

“I don’t mind the cheerleader ‘tramp’, I just have to put up with some weird, twisted copy of you.” Abram scoffed as he thought about Aaron. “Does he really think he’s getting anywhere with those feeble scowls and insults? After I’ve lived with you this long?”

There was a slight twitch to Andrew’s full lips before he finished Abram’s tea. “It is rather amusing to see him try, isn’t it?”

“Prat,” Abram said as he rested his head on Andrew’s shoulder. “Why do I bother with you?”

“Someone has to remind you to feed the damn fish, babe.”

“More like make sure you don’t try to fry them up one day, hon.” Abram hummed in happiness as his husband tugged on a lock of his hair then closed his eyes so he could enjoy Andrew’s presence and the sound of falling water. It was quiet for at least a few minutes before Andrew tugged on his hair again, harder that time. “Ow, what?”

“Come on, it looks like it’s going to rain and I’m not about to have you get soaked then pass out on me during a mission again.”

“One time,” Abram moaned as he stood up. “One fucking time. Are you ever going to let that go, either?” he asked, even though he suspected he knew the answer already.

“No,” Andrew said in a succinct manner as he gave him a slight push toward the townhouse. “Idiot.”

Abram wondered if he could get Katelyn alone during her visit and commiserate over living with a Minyard (former Minyard, in his case, he supposed) for a good hour or two, perhaps see if she had any advice which may come in handy (other than ‘render him unconscious for a bit of peace and quiet’).

*******

[missionkitty]

Obey Me! - The Stars Are Closer (Belphegor/Reader)

(mama’s got quite a few fluffy, sfw obey me! gender-neutral reader fics up her sleeve, babey. while they’re all up on ao3 under the same handle, i’ll post them here when i finish an illustration for each one. for now, enjoy belphie.)

You've secretly taken up stargazing during your time in the Devildom to keep your homesickness at bay, but your first earnest attempt at identifying constellations gets cut short by an unexpected visit by the Avatar of Sloth to the planetarium.

However, you quickly come to find that you enjoy Belphegor's quiet company and steadily discover that the two of you have something important in common with each other.

Takes place after Chapter 18.

You sat idly in the planetarium in the House of Lamentation, books and dark maps all scattered around you on the floor. You quickly realized that maybe bringing all these supplementary materials to stargaze was a bit advanced for you at the moment.

You pondered for a moment how you would explain to Satan about how you didn't really get much use out of all these books for this session of stargazing, but shrugged your shoulders and started collecting everything into a stack.

It wasn't like you wanted to be some kind of astronomer. You just felt a little more at home looking up at the perpetually-starry sky of the Devildom. However, it was quickly evident that it wasn't the same sky as the human realm, though as you thought about it, it seemed pretty obvious that would be the case.

After all, you were supposedly at least seven dimensions away from your human home.

There were no dippers, large or small, and no ever-vigilant North Star--which is why you thought it might be nice to have maybe a constellation or two to identify during your time in the Devildom.

You glanced back at the stack of books and maps, pursing your lips.

After a moment, you pulled a map from under a book and carefully opened it again. You stared at it, trying to silently pronounce some of the names written under certain groups of stars. Alloces, Forneus, Glasya-Labolas, all names you had never heard of…until you saw Lucifer written in fancy script. You cocked an eyebrow and chuckled--wondering if maybe you had missed six other familiar names.

You started rereading the map when you heard footsteps coming up the stairs to the planetarium, and quickly set it down to gather everything and leave.

You weren't eager to admit it, but you didn't want the others to know you were spending so much time staring at the stars because you were homesick.

"Oh, hey," a lazy voice greeted you.

You turned around to see Belphegor standing in the entrance to the planetarium, his expression its usual slightly-unimpressed.

You whirled back to continue collecting the stack of books, more than eager to leave the planetarium now. Of all the brothers, Belphie was the one you definitely didn't feel comfortable sharing your homesickness with.

Of course, things were mostly patched up between you and him, but that didn't take away the memory of his anger toward you and all humans.

"Sorry, I was just finishing up," you quickly replied, picking up the stack of books and maps in your arms. Belphie looked at you, no apparent change in his expression, as you scurried past him. "It's all yours!" You added with a quick glance and weak smile.

He said nothing in reply, and you hustled down the stairs to return everything to Satan.

You'd try identifying constellations another time, when you were sure you'd be alone.

 ***

 It was a few days before you were finally able to return to the planetarium alone. There had been a few times where you had gone up, map tucked under your arm, but Belphie was already there. You quietly snuck away before your presence was known, disappointed that you couldn’t just watch the stars in solitude, but grateful you wouldn’t have to offer any awkward explanations to Belphie.

However, it was a weeknight, and presumably everyone was busy with homework. You figured that you would get ahead of the curve and do yours during class time to take advantage of the hopefully-empty planetarium--and your preparation had paid off.

At last, you reclined in a chair at the edge of the planetarium and set your map in front of you. Satan was nice enough to let you have the map, and you had taken the time to read the names during your free time. Curiously enough, Lucifer’s name was the only one you recognized on the map, and while you wanted to know why he was the only one who seemed to have his own constellation, you didn’t dare risk revealing your secret hobby.

You decided that his constellation would be the first one you’d try to find, and you looked up through the ceiling of the planetarium, watching the ethereal stars that twinkled in different colors above you.

You could only search in silence for a moment when you heard a voice call out behind you.

“Finally,” Belphie said with a sigh.

You whirled around, shocked at his quiet entrance and felt yourself blush.

“Look, I know you’ve been avoiding me,” he continued, walking up to you. “I know you’ve tried to come up here a few times while I was here.”

You could feel the heat from your cheeks start traveling to your neck and ears as he pulled out the chair across from you and sat down. He set a map down on the table in front of the two of you and curiously stared at you.

“You left this behind the last time you were up here…” he said in a gentle voice, resting his arms and head on the table. He tilted his head to the side, looking up at you from under his lashes.

Your heart started pounding heavily, looking back at him for what felt like an eternity. In your panic, you found yourself somehow focused on the remarkably delicate-looking features of his face. As he patiently watched you, you noticed how long his eyelashes were and how they made his curious gaze somewhat alluring. His face was quite boyish, and his rather unkempt hairstyle gave him the appearance of innocence. Though you had made a pact with him, there was a part of you that remembered his youthful face twisted into a horrific smile as he struck you down in cold blood.

“I know that you still find it hard to trust me,” Belphie said with a sigh, closing his eyes. “Not that I blame you.”

You felt yourself starting to sweat a bit as you moved your gaze to the map you apparently left behind.

You wanted to bring yourself to trust Belphie, you did, but...your mind was still scarred by that night.

“I’m...stargazing,” you blurted out, much to your own surprise.

Belphie’s eyes flew back open as you spoke, apparently not expecting you to respond. His purple-and-pink eyes sparkled curiously at you.

“It’s different from the human realm, huh?” He asked, his voice lilting slowly. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen the sky there.”

You nodded quietly, deciding to relax your shoulders a little. You watched Belphie adjust his position, lazily resting his chin on the heel of his palm.

“Any reason why you’ve picked it up lately?” He gave you a small smile.

You bit the inside of your lip, quietly cursing yourself for falling into the exact situation with the exact person you didn’t want to get into.

“Just...curious, I guess,” you murmured. “I see them all the time, so I figured I might try and identify a few while I’m here.”

Belphie nodded and looked down at the maps on the table. “It’s kind of fun, isn’t it?”

You nodded again, now starting to smile.

“I used to come up here a lot before...everything,” he said, tracing his finger along one of the constellations on the map in front of him. His voice was wistful, and you sensed a bit of sadness in his voice as you watched his teal-colored fingernail slide across each marked star. “Quiet, you know? It’s nice.”

For a second, you recognized a hint of something familiar in his tone.

“I didn’t mean to intrude the other night,” he continued, pulling his finger away from the map. He ran his hand through his hair that covered his eye, revealing it, and let out a long exhale. “I was just...hoping to do a little stargazing of my own.”

You sensed a sadness in his words that twisted your heart into a knot.

“I just wanted to return this, though.” Belphie tapped the map in front of him and then scooted his chair backwards, preparing to leave.

You tilted your head to the side, your twisted heart making your whole chest ache.

“You can stay, if you’d like,” you said quietly. “I don’t think I’ll be much for conversation though. I’m just trying to find a constellation or two.”

Belphie stared back at you, smiling after a moment.

“Thank you, but maybe next time,” he said with a small sigh. “I’ve still got some homework to finish.”

You nodded in understanding, smiling back.

“If you find me up here first, don’t run off next time, okay?” Belphie’s smile turned into a smirk as he carefully stood up and walked off. He gave a small wave before disappearing down the stairs.

As you watched him leave, the rest of the tension in your shoulders disappeared, but there was a small fragment of you that wished he would have stayed.

That hint of something familiar that you felt made you curious. You figured that perhaps the next time you saw him, you might be able to figure out what it was.

You looked back at your map, suddenly unwilling to focus on finding constellations.

 ***

 The next few nights you spent in the planetarium, Belphie had been there. Most times he was there before you, usually laying on the ground, his head resting on his cow-print pillow.

The two of you spent most of your time just silently looking up at the stars, but every so often you’d stumble upon a topic of conversation that kept you both engaged for a while. It often included funny things the others did, but this latest one ended up putting you both in stitches from laughing so much.

“And then...Lucifer’s face when Mammon managed to escape from him again…” Belphie snorted.

You could only nod and cackle in response, doubling over in laughter and trying to keep from falling out of your chair.

Belphie’s loud laughter was incredibly infectious and after he started giggling, you couldn’t help but start laughing along with him.

"Oh...they cause so much trouble," he continued laughing. "How did you even manage with them?"

You shook your head, your laughing slowly coming to an end.

"Hey, at the end of the day, they took care of me too," you chuckled, wiping your eyes.

Belphie's laughter petered out as well, and he let out a sigh as he looked back at you with a content smile.

"I wish I could have been here before, and not trapped in that attic…" He murmured, that hint of something familiar back in his voice. "Then I could have been up here, enjoying the stars with you."

You stifled a gasp as Belphie's admission caused your stomach to do a somersault. It was likely he only meant it in a friendly way, but it still made your cheeks tingle with warmth to hear it.

The past few nights spent with Belphie had been pleasant, even if a fair amount of it had been spent in silence. Maybe that was what you needed most. Just for you to be in Belphie's presence and for him to be in yours.

"Well, we're here now, right?" You said warmly. You stretched upward, trying to release the warmth that had been building in your cheeks and neck.

You heard Belphie hum in agreement as you finished your stretch, but were shocked when you glanced back at him to find him still staring at you.

You overcame your initial shock and smiled once you took in his serene expression. You admitted to yourself that it was nice to finally have something to share with Belphie. You couldn't help but wonder how long he had been shackled by frustration and anger.

How long had he felt alone?

It suddenly struck you like a clap of thunder. You finally recognized what was so familiar in his voice.

Homesickness.

How long had Belphie felt like a prisoner in his own home? Disconnected from his brothers? Even now, there was still some kind of distance between him and everyone else.

Your heart began to twist again, sending a deep ache through your ribs.

"Hey, what's that sad look for?" Belphie asked, looking concerned.

His question shocked you out of your thoughts and you quickly shook your head, hoping to dissipate the apparently-sad look that had crossed your face. You mentally scrambled to come up with an excuse.

"Uh, you-you just look kind of...lonely down there by yourself…" You managed to stammer out, but kicked yourself immediately afterward for including the word lonely. Heat crept up your neck and ears as embarrassment washed through your thoughts.

Belphie stared at you curiously for a moment before shrugging and letting out a small laugh.

"Well, there's plenty of room down here if you'd like to join me," he said, closing his eyes and giving a small grin. He adjusted his head on his pillow to make some room on it. "If you want," he added. You weren't sure if the dim light was playing tricks on your eyes, but it seemed like a pink tint was appearing on Belphie's cheeks.

A warm jolt shot through your body as you thought about laying down next to Belphie. As you looked at him, you knew that underneath his soft-looking casual clothes, much like his brothers, he was pretty well-built. And of course, you were becoming very familiar with his charming, boyish face. The memory of his haunting smile was now being replaced with the various memories of a small, gentle one.

You had managed to steal a few glances at Belphie when he was focused on the stars or had dozed off for a moment over the nights you had spent together in the planetarium. A warm smile would play across his lips as what you guessed were pleasant thoughts would dance in his mind.

Before you could stop yourself, you were moving from your chair to lay down next to Belphie, carefully resting your head on his pillow.

The pillow itself was not particularly wide, so you found yourself right next to Belphie, your heads and shoulders touching. The warmth from your neck had now reached down to your stomach and continued traveling downward to your feet.

In an attempt to distract yourself from your proximity to Belphie, you frantically searched your mind for a new conversation topic.

"Hey, so," you started, your voice shaking more than you would have liked. "I...saw Lucifer's name on one of the constellations on those maps, but no one else's. Do you know why?"

Belphie chuckled, and you could feel his shoulder rub against yours as his torso rumbled.

"I was wondering when you'd ask. It's kind of a dumb, funny story," he said, glancing at you and then looking back up through the ceiling of the planetarium.

"So I'm sure all those other names you saw were weird and confusing, but they're all names of old demons that helped contribute to the Devildom...though I don't know if they're still around or asleep like the Demon King or whatever." Belphie's voice was soft and slow. You felt yourself melting a little closer into Belphie's shoulder as he spoke. "So...after we fell, when Diavolo took us all in, he wanted to base constellations on us. Most of us thought it was weird, besides Asmo, and with...everything that had happened, we didn't really feel deserving of constellations." Belphie's voice trailed off sadly and he let out a slow sigh.

Your heart sank a bit as you realized the disturbing irony of fallen angels being offered metaphorical places in the sky.

"That's...in kind of bad taste," you found yourself musing out loud.

Belphie let out an amused chuckle and he looked at you as you stared up at the sky.

"So even a human gets it," he said, nudging you with his elbow. You glanced at him sympathetically and gave a half-hearted smirk. "But, yeah... Lucifer offered himself up as an 'astronomical sacrifice,'" he continued, sarcastically making air quotes with his fingers. "And so the constellation 'Lucifer' was officially recognized in the Devildom. Yay…" This time, Belphie trailed off his sentence lazily, but brushed against your hand before quickly clasping his hands together on his stomach.

Butterflies started bouncing around in your stomach as you processed Belphie's touch. You began realizing how warm his shoulder was against yours, and became hyper-aware of his head against yours.

You both fell silent, and you found yourself focusing on the sound of Belphie's slow breathing. You looked over after a minute or two to see if he had fallen asleep due to the rhythmic, deep breaths he was taking, but he was looking straight up through the ceiling of the planetarium. His visible eye had a sad look to it, though the rest of his expression was neutral. You glanced at his hands, folded neatly on his stomach, and had an overwhelming urge to reach out and touch them.

Lonely was the word that rang through your head as you tried to further identify the look in his eye, and your heart started to race the longer you stared at his hands.

As you struggled to move your hand toward his, you heard steps coming up the stairs to the planetarium.

Like a flash, both you and Belphie sat up and raced to the closest table, sitting in opposite chairs. You looked at each other in embarrassed shock before turning your attention to the unexpected visitor. You watched as Beelzebub walked into the planetarium.

"Oh, there the two of you are," he said with a smile. "Lucifer wanted me to remind you of our student council meeting tomorrow, and to not be late."

"Yeah, whatever…" Belphie replied dismissively, nodding his head. "I won't sleep in."

You nodded silently, trying to smile convincingly at Beel before he walked off down the stairs.

"Guess we should call it a night, then…" Belphie said to you rather sadly.

"Yeah...guess so," you murmured.

Belphie looked at you intently for a moment.

"Will you be coming here tomorrow night?"

You nodded. "Will you?"

"Yeah." He smiled and dreamily closed his eyes. "You're good company."

 ***

 True to his word, Belphie did not sleep in and was not late to the Student Council meeting. Even more surprisingly, he stayed in every single class afterward.

You found yourself watching Belphie intently during the day, though quickly tried to pull your gaze away anytime he noticed. The few times he caught you, he gave you a small smile that scrambled your insides and turned your ears red.

You also found yourself thinking of the warmth from Belphie's shoulder the night before. It was difficult to focus on your classes when all you could bring yourself to think about was feeling his body next to you again. You were eager for classes to end so you could go back to the planetarium.

You sat quietly in the cafeteria at RAD, just letting your mind wander restlessly to Belphie over and over again. You absently picked at your food until you felt the seat next to you rattle backwards.

"You've been staring at me a lot today." Belphie's voice was low and clear beside you, making you jump. You eagerly turned your head to see him sitting down next to you, a slight smile on his lips. "Sorry, did I scare you?"

"No, I was just zoning out," you replied with a laugh.

"Were you zoning out all the times you were looking at me?" He asked playfully. A gentle dusting of pink covered his cheeks as he settled into his chair.

You felt your cheeks turn hot and you tried stifling an embarrassed smile. You couldn't bring yourself to respond in words, so you quickly shook your head.

Belphie chuckled and sighed.

"Well, I can't say I don't like it when I catch you staring. But it makes me just want to go back to the planetarium with you…"

"Me too." You laughed quietly.

"I guess that settles it, then." Belphie smiled coyly. "Let's ditch the rest of the day and hang out in the planetarium," he whispered, giving you a knowing look from under his eyelashes.

"Won't it be suspicious if we both leave at the same time?" You asked, trying to look nonchalant as you took a bite of food from your tray.

"You're right…" Belphie nodded sagely, humming pensively. "How about this then? I'll leave after lunch and make it special for when you get there. I kind of owe it to you for letting me sit up there with you."

You couldn't help but let a wide smile cross your face as you considered his offer.

"That smile…" Belphie continued smiling as he glanced at you. "Tells me that you like the idea. Guess it's a date."

Warmth crashed over you like an angry wave as those last four words escaped Belphie's mouth.

"Go to your next class. It shouldn't take me too long to get ready."

"Maybe...I should just go with you now?" You proposed, the raging butterflies in your stomach begging you to stay near Belphie.

"Oh...but that would ruin the surprise…" He replied, putting on a hurt face.  He briefly cracked a smile before returning to his pout. You forced yourself to relent, wanting to trust Belphie and whatever he had planned.

"Okay, but I'm coming as soon as next period is over," you said with a smile and a nod.

"Perfect."

 ***

 The next period went more slowly than you had ever experienced, your excitement to meet Belphie in the planetarium making time feel like it was standing still.

Once you were dismissed, you sped out of RAD and back to the House of Lamentation. You checked your phone, feeling it buzz, and saw a message from Belphie.

 Belphegor: Change into something comfortable before you come up here.

 You wondered why you might need to change, but didn't worry for long once you got inside the House. It was silent, everyone else still at RAD. A smile crept across your face as you realized that no one would interrupt your quiet time in the planetarium with Belphie this time.

You changed out of your uniform more quickly than you had before and changed to your casual clothes, almost sprinting to the planetarium. You climbed the stairs, finally able to rein in your excitement now that you were finally there.

You reached the top of the stairs and slowly entered the planetarium.

Belphie sat perched on a table near the edge of the room, next to a giant spread of blankets and pillows on the floor. He had a smile on his face, though as you continued walking in, you could see him start to blush profusely.

"I guess it wasn't that much of a surprise…" He said with a sigh. "We just didn't have much room together on my pillow alone."

"I love it," you replied, grinning. "Knowing you, this should be nice and cozy."

"I also...actually wanted to talk about the stars with you, too." Belphie slid off the table and took a seat in the middle of the blankets on the floor.

You nodded, suddenly remembering why you had started coming up to the planetarium in the first place. You couldn't help but be amused at how quickly you had been distracted from your homesickness by Belphie. You wondered if maybe you had been distracting him from whatever was bothering him as well.

You sat down next to him, not getting too close just yet. His expression was serious, and he seemed like he was preparing to say something.

"Lay down," he said quietly once you settled in.

You obeyed and laid down, Belphie following suit. His shoulder was pressed against yours again. He glanced at you and smiled, taking a deep breath.

"I mentioned that I used to come here a lot before Lucifer trapped me in the attic...it was quiet and a nice place to sleep," Belphie said in a low voice. "But I liked to watch the stars before I closed my eyes. There was something comforting about seeing them, even though we became demons."

You let out a small, sharp exhale and smiled.

"Do you want to know why I really started stargazing?" You murmured, nudging Belphie's arm with your elbow.

You had never expected it so suddenly, but here you were, next to Belphegor, the Avatar of Sloth, and you felt  safe. You wanted to share the truth with him.

"Sure," he replied quietly.

You took a deep breath to steady the butterflies in your stomach.

"I've been getting homesick a lot lately," you said slowly. "Watching the stars made me feel a little like I was still in the human realm."

"...I'm really sorry I intruded, then. I think I understand what that feels like," Belphie murmured apologetically.

"No, it's fine," you quickly countered, turning your head to look at him. "I'm glad you came. I realized that it was nice to not do this alone." You started sitting up on your elbows, getting a better look at Belphie.

He looked up at you, his expression longing.

"It was so lonely in that attic...I couldn't even watch the stars like this anymore," he said achingly. "But now, I'm here. Free."

Belphie brushed his fingers over your hand, letting them linger on the top of your palm before slowly pulling them on top of his stomach.

Your stomach jumped as you felt his fingers on your hand and every part of you seemed to scream to take his hand in yours.

You focused on his hand for what seemed like an eternity. The two of you were silent. You had no idea where Belphie's attention was focused, your skin aching to feel his again.

Finally, in yet another move that shocked you, your hand seemed to move on its own and slipped firmly into Belphie's.

You heard him gasp quietly, but his hand closed firmly around yours and squeezed.

His hand was warm and soft. Goosebumps raced across your skin as you saw your hand in his and looked at his face.

A deep pink colored his cheeks as he looked back at you with a surprised smile.

"You don't have to be lonely anymore," you said barely above a whisper. Your breathing was heavy and slow, your heart aching with a desire to be with him.

"You don't have to be lonely, either," Belphie replied slowly. He steadily pulled you in toward him, guiding you to rest your head on his chest. He gently wrapped his arm around your back and held you close.

You could feel his heart pounding in your ear as you settled your head on his chest. He smelled comforting and flowery, but you couldn't identify the scent, so you settled for taking slow, deep breaths in to try and memorize it.

"I'm sorry you felt homesick…" Belphie said, his voice rumbling in his chest. "I know we probably don't make it easy."

You shook your head.

"No, that's not true," you said with a sigh. "I just…" you hesitated to continue for a moment, swallowing hard. "Didn't want to bother anyone with it. I cause enough worry as it is."

You felt Belphie squeeze you against him again, and you pulled your hand up to rest on his chest.

"You've also helped us a lot. You've...helped me a lot," Belphie murmured. He pressed his lips against your head, sending electricity through your veins. "Let us...let  me  help you." His breath was warm on your hair and you clung more tightly to his chest.

"Okay," you whispered, closing your eyes. You honed in on his warmth and let out a content sigh. You felt him adjust to his side and reach his other arm around to fully embrace you against his chest.

His strength surprised you as he held you firm against him. You snuggled in closer, sliding your head underneath his chin. He gently kissed your forehead, making your temperature rise and start burning away your inhibitions. You scooted back just enough to see his face, which was almost entirely flushed, but his eyes were heavy-lidded and he had a big smile.

"I think I've got something else I want to do other than stargaze," you murmured, your heartbeat now pounding in your throat.

"I was kind of thinking the same thing," Belphie said slowly, reaching his hand up to stroke your cheek. "That...maybe I've got something new to gaze at now."

As he finished, he gently pressed his lips to yours, burying his hand in your hair.

You kissed him in return, copying him and threading your fingers into his hair, pushing his long bangs out of his eyes. As you finished your kiss, you looked into his eyes, which sparkled much like the stars above you.

"Again, please," he said in a low voice before pulling you back in and hungrily pressing his lips to yours. You moaned in agreement as you leaned into his kiss and felt him pull on your lower lip with his teeth.

You definitely weren't going to be doing much stargazing now.

[uniformbravo]

having a full on existential crisis over an episode of anime i watched tonight

it all started with big time rush

in 2009 a sitcom called big time rush aired for the first time on nickelodeon; it was about a group of four teenaged boys from minnesota who move to hollywood under a famous producer to become his next big boy band sensation. a simple premise, launched into unprecedented success, resulting in four seasons of musical shenanigans, three full music albums, and three big concert tours, including international shows. the band, both fictional and real life, featured four attractive young men by the names of kendall, james, carlos, and logan. they quickly gained a fan base of mostly teenage girls, which resulted in online spaces created for the purpose of sharing their passion, and as is common in such online communities, this certainly involved fanfiction- lots of it.

enter me, a teen in high school who loved to write fanfiction. my big time journey began the day my younger sister decided to put on the show big time rush in the living room, where i sat at the family computer typing away. the noise caught my attention, and i got sucked into the episode. there was a boy wearing a dress on the screen. i became interested.

i watched more of the show. i typed its name into the search bar on the website fanfiction dot net. i had a friend at school who shared my interest in fanfiction, particularly of the slash variety. i introduced her to this new show i had been watching. she shared a fanfic she had enjoyed immensely with me. we dragged each other into the world of big time rush fanfiction reading and writing.

it took over my life; i lived and breathed big time rush. i began posting my own stories to fanfiction dot net. i received positive feedback; i met people. i made friends- two people in particular who became very close friends. we communicated through ffn’s private messaging system, then through email. we talked every day, we wrote stories for and with each other, we exchanged phone numbers. it was one of these friends who introduced me to the website called tumblr, where fellow fans of our beloved big time rush gathered and talked about it- a community.

it was a slow start- this website was new and unfamiliar to me- but eventually i got the hang of things and settled into my niche. i had fun, gained followers, met even more people. tumblr was a place not only for sharing one singular interest, but for accumulating all of your various interests and celebrating them in one place. it was through this aspect that i first learned of the up and coming band known as one direction.

they had released their first smash hit single and everyone was talking about it. i was wary, far too loyal to my beloved big time rush- but eventually i started to feel left out and in an effort to feel included, i decided to take the plunge and see what this “1d” was all about. it was intimidating, though- there was so much information, and no apparent beginner’s guide to tell me where to start. this drove me to making a post calling for a “one direction buddy” to take this role, to introduce me to all the most important aspects of this band. and my call was answered.

enter my wonderful friend cam, a follower of mine at the time. they were into both big time rush and one direction and were eager to provide me with all the information needed to get into 1d. while ultimately this venture didn’t amount to anything, as i lost interest in becoming a fan, my friendship with cam persisted and we grew very close. even as time went on and big time rush faded into the background to be replaced with newer, fresher interests, and our paths as fellow fandom members split, we kept in contact and remained friends. years and years of fandoms, years and years of friendship.

in the midst of the tenth year, cam developed a new interest, in a sport called ice hockey. as is tradition, they shared their passion with me, showing me their favorite team, highlighting their favorite members. we watched a game together. personally, i’ve never been one for sports, but i am quite into anime, which consists of many genres, including the “sports” genre. one in particular that i’ve enjoyed immensely in the past is the volleyball anime, haikyuu!!. this anime devotes a lot of time to explaining and depicting the sport in a way that makes it easy for any viewer to understand the rules and inner workings of volleyball. it’s exciting. it’s the first time i’ve ever even adjacently been invested in a sport. one could even call it a gateway into the world of sports.

all this to say, when i watched that game of ice hockey with cam, the same parts of my brain that loved haikyuu!! lit up and in a classic display of my specific brand of interest, i found myself yearning for the epic highs and lows of ice hockey, but in an animated format. an animated format originating in japan. a japanese animation. an anime. my curiosity burned a hole in my brain that resulted in a combination of the google search bar and the words, “hockey anime”.

to my disappointment, i found nothing- at least, not to the degree i was hoping. there is an upcoming anime, slated to air in the fall 2021 anime season, about a group of girls who form an ice hockey team together- as it is an original project rather than an adaptation, it remains to be seen whether the anime will fall into the category of “sports anime,” or if indeed it will lean much more closely to the “moe” genre. the latter is not what i had in mind during that particular search.

adding the anime called “pride of orange” to my “plan to watch” list on myanimelist dot com, i moved onto the next result: an article about an early 2010’s anime i had never heard of before. while not about the sport i was looking for, it featured a character whose signature weapon was a field hockey stick. it wasn’t even the right sport. it was a weak, insignificant link, but all was not lost.

i happen to have an affinity for watching anime i happen upon completely by random and know little to nothing about; i found the movie “anthem of the heart” purely coincidentally, when i searched the name “jun” as part of some research for one of my original characters and discovered that it was the main character of said movie, which i then watched and ended up enjoying quite a lot. another time, when i was at best buy one day i happened upon a dvd on their dedicated anime shelf for a movie called “hana and alice”, which i had never heard of before. i liked the box art, so i took a picture of it to remember the title and watched it on my own later that week; it became one of my favorite movies.

with these and other similar experiences in mind, i saved the anime in my “plan to watch” list, and, later that same week, began my watch of “sket dance.”

it’s a school comedy anime, one of my favorite genres, so it’s no surprise that after overcoming the initial skepticism i carry into every new show i watch it quickly became my new fixation. not an obsession, but something i was pleasantly surprised to find consistently enjoyable. the characters are fun, the humor is tight and fresh, and the stories are unexpectedly touching at the right moments. everything i like to see.

which brings us to tonight. the culmination of this ten plus year string of events and occurrences. getting into big time rush. joining tumblr. meeting cam. watching anime. searching for hockey anime.

i put down my apple(TM) pencil. i set my ipad aside. i downsized the ebook window i’d been referencing. i stretched; i was hungry and tired. i’d been rereading passages of various animorphs books all day. i needed a break. i needed to sit back with some food and an episode of my latest comfort watch, sket dance. it’d be nice to set the dramatic, tragic world of animorphs aside for something lighthearted and fun in its place.

well.

i sat down with my bowl of strawberries and played the episode. it finished. i watched another. this one broke the formula a bit, played with the art style. i was into it. the preview for the next episode was mysteriously blank, and short, stating only the title. it was intriguing. i’m down for the show to get a bit more serious for an episode, i thought. i’m down for some potential backstory for one of the main three. i’m ready.

i was not ready.

bruh.

b r u h .

next two episodes proceeded to take me out back and beat me to within an inch of my life, slowly at first and then all at once. barely made it out alive. questioning everything. how can a show, so silly and goofy, do that, to me. how could i let my guard down like that. how could i be so tricked, and deceived, and blindsided like this. i don’t know who to trust. i don’t know if i can trust again. whiplash so damaging, permanent. i thought i wanted answers. i thought i wanted to know backstory. i didn’t want this. i never wanted this. emptiness

how did it come to this, these twelve years of my life. had i known back then, would i have posted that fanfiction? would i have joined tumblr? would i have sook out a “one direction buddy”? a hollow husk of a person, i am left with only my thoughts to ponder this small history of mine. the things i could have done differently. the things others could have done differently. all these butterfly effect moments, adding up to what? culminating in what? it’s 2:26 am and i’m writing an essay on how shook i am over that episode instead of going to sleep. but i can’t just say nothing, you know? i need to put something out there, reach deep enough within myself to find the thing that’s still there, broken and huddled and tiny as it is. i need to feel some semblance of the self again. the me from before i watched this episode. the innocent version of myself, blissful in ignorance. it’s too late now.

that episode…………..was fucked up. that was seriously fucked up. im not okay bro they really just came in left field and slapped that in my face expecting me to get up and walk away just fine afterwards like No that isn’t how this Works y’all need to bundle some therapy sessions with ur episodes pullin that shit come ON

exhaustion is taking over the shock, i am simply tired now. i will fall asleep and when i wake up sket dance will be a happy fun show again with NO fucked up backstories ever Or Else. i’m fucking serious right now i’m gonna count to 3 and that shit better be retconned when i turn around,

screams

thank you

[girlcriedwoolf]

✍🏼 On the act of re-reading and Christopher Nolan’s Tenet (2020)

I’m a chronic re-reader. I reread the same books copious times, rewatch the same TV shows over-and-over and find solace in exhausting my own Spotify playlists until the songs become unbearable. I know I’m not alone in this practice - there are thousands of other people around the world that share my comfort of revisiting sources of previous enjoyment, but there are also thousands of people that don’t. It’s always fascinated me - how people can enjoy a book, film or TV show without any desire to experience it again, ideally as soon as possible. I’ve subsequently internalised this as a sign that these individuals live fuller, more exciting (better) lives as they’re able to consume a greater amount and a wider variety of cultural content than I ever will. My tendency to reread Twilight - for, let’s say the seventh time - instead of reading a new book that I know I’d enjoy has been something I’ve become ashamed of. Is it an immature and somewhat cowardly cop-out to revisit a source of comfort from the past rather than engaging with the present? 

At its core, Christopher Nolan’s latest cinematic masterpiece Tenet (2020) is a film about the act rewatching and re-experiencing, both structurally and conceptually. More specifically, a lot of the film rests on the idea of the protagonists travelling to - or existing in - the past, using technology sent from the future, in order to fix the present. It messes with your mind in all the best ways - don’t say I didn’t warn you. The structure of the film lends itself to comment on the nature of time: rejecting a linear, chronological structure of time and instead alluding to at least two other possible shapes that embody the abstract, meta notion of time. 

First, is the illusion to a ‘temporal pincer’ shaped structure (visually resembling an elongated horseshoe shape or alternatively, a hairpin). References to this structure of time are not limited to dialogue alone - instead, a visual reference is seen explicitly in the last part of the film during which a planning meeting for an army drill takes place and a temporal pincer shape is drawn on a whiteboard to convey the operation. In this scene, the protagonist can be heard asking which order the two groups are going to enter the site, to which the commander, Ives, replies that both groups (lines) run simultaneously to each other rather than subsequently, ultimately shattering liner constructs of measuring time. In doing so, Nolan suggests that revisiting the past (or by extension an experience in the past like a book or film) may not be a backwards step but merely a progression in time. In this way, we understand revisiting and experiencing things from the past, not as redundant acts that waste time but instead as signs of time progressing. Tenet embodies the experience of great cinema and the role of film as a medium of storytelling.

True to Nolan’s fascination with ideas of inception, (see: Inception (2010), Tenet itself could be seen to project the experience of watching a film. The audience exists on a different timeline to the film’s narrative and metaphorically ‘catch’ the bullets that are fired the first time around. In watching the film for the first, second, third or fifteenth time, you will start the experience at a different point in time meaning you are going forward but ultimately the nature of rewatching something means you know where you’re going to end up in the future. An aspect of Tenet that draws on a specific interest of Nolan’s is the transformation of scientific concepts depicted through the language of storytelling. The nature of rewatching in itself is paralleled through the scientific concept of inverted entropy, which, in the most basic reduction, is the idea that a system goes from disorder to disorder. In Tenet, the suggestion is that broad systems can go through the process of disorder to order upon the experience of rewatching.

Whilst the scientific aspects of Tenet are largely far beyond my comprehension for obvious reasons, there are other bewildering pieces of the puzzle that raise an infinite number of questions despite seeming simple on the surface. Namely, the character of Kat: devoted mother to a young son and wife of a powerful (corrupt) arms dealer (see: the bad guy). On the first watch, it’s hard to appreciate or understand the role of this character as one of the few female faces in the film. There are some scenes that make you question whether her character’s inclusion is purely veiled misogyny: the idea that men are only capable of making slightly less morally corrupt decisions if they have a beautiful wife by their side, or that a ruthless C.I.A. agent will be immediately thrown off if they so much as a glimpse at a beautiful blonde woman. Yet, after thinking more about Kat’s character I have grown less hostile and more understanding of Nolan’s vision for her as a character burdened with emotional trauma. In relation to Nolan’s toying with time, Kat represents a timeline of autonomy and agency, a dichotomy of an oppressed or empowered woman. The P.T.S.D. that Kat seems to exist with further challenges our understanding of time. Is the trauma something from the past, present or future? Can we ever tell if we have agreed to reject a linear structure for time? Kat appears to be burdened with the emotional trauma of all the characters in the film, whilst they get the privilege of making rational, emotionless decisions; Kat must consider the feelings of not just herself but those around her - like her son - at all times, in turn preparing and recovering from past and future trauma. 

An ambiguous mantra of Tenet comes from Kenneth Branagh’s character, declaring at various points that ‘we live in a twilight world’, a phrase that is initially introduced as the code name for the protagonist’s mission at the film’s opening. This statement garners more meaning at the conclusion of the film as the protagonist and Neil reflect on their wider mission with the protagonist finally becoming aware of the temporal world that Nolan creates. Our protagonist has the revelation that the moment is not the end of their time together as it would be on a linear structure but instead is the beginning of his friendship with Neil on a temporal pincer structure whereby time is not so objectively universal. Though this point does mark the end of Neil’s life, the protagonist is only at the beginning of his experience or rather, re-experience. In exploring the end of Neil’s life, who is played superbly by Robert Pattinson, the idea of twilight reemerges. As Pattinson’s connection with the idea of Twilight runs deep (the start of his career being with the Twilight franchise) it becomes an excellent metaphor for the film’s thesis. Etymologically, beyond the definition relating to the natural process of twilight, the noun holds a second definition of ‘a period or state of ambiguity, absurdity or a gradual decline’. This definition could define the film’s plot as a whole - obscure and ambiguous and seeking to stop the impending event of World War III. Moreover, the natural phenomenon of twilight occurs both at the beginning and end of the day, further rejecting a linear temporal structure. Though devastating, emotionally, for the protagonist to find out about his close friend’s imminent death, it is seemingly not the end but also the beginning of their friendship, impossible to define. In the same way, at the point of twilight, it is impossible - and meaningless - to say whether it is the beginning or end. 

I started my week feeling annoyed at myself for ‘wasting’ time revisiting books I have already read and films I can already recite every line of, but having experienced the cinematic masterpiece of Tenet, I have been forced to consider whether re-experiencing things is a monotonous extension of the past or whether, as Nolan might argue, the act of re-experiencing things is a radical way of bringing the future to the present. 

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2020 - April

April was a strange reading month for me, on the one hand I read 10 books which is double my average 5-6 books a month! On the other I completely failed to read my OWLs Magical Readathon tbr... I did manage to read books that worked for the prompts but they weren’t the books I meant to read. Oops!

(Once again I haven’t proof read this and I’ll just apologise in advance for any mistakes, I’m lazy...)

OWLS Magical Reathon: Hogwarts Professor (what subject I specialise in will depend on the NEWTS...)

Wyrd Sisters - Terry Pratchett (Discworld #6, Witches #1)

OWLS: History of Magic

I loved reading Wyrd Sisters, it was so much fun! Pratchett retold Shakespeare’s Macbeth from the witches view point, but with his usual satirical twist. Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, and Magrat Garlick shine through the narrative, offering a no nonsense, ridiculous, and lovable take on witchcraft (or headology) as worked to protect Lancre from Duke and Duchess Felmet after they assassinated King Verence.

The Shakespeare references, puns, and reworkings in this book was sublime! I had a great time picking them out and watching as the acting company performed the most ridiculous versions of Shakespeare’s greatest works. I adored the witches - which was a bit surprising. I’d gone into this thinking I’d dislike the Witches sub-series after reading Equal Rites a couple of years ago (to this day it is my least favourite Discworld book...) However, Granny Weatherwax is a very different character here and the story is so separate from the narrative in Equal Rites that I refuse to see this book as the second installment in the Wtiches sub-series. I’d highly recommed reading Wyrd Sisters, and it would be a fantastic place to start with Pratchett if you like retellings and/or Shakespeare!

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight - Anon, trans. by J.R.R. Tolkien

OWLS: Potions

I enjoyed this translation of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Tolkien’s style and tone suits this style of poetry (would you call it epic? It’s more of a romance...) Tolkien brought the story in Sir Gawain to life for me, in a way I’ve never experienced in other versions I’ve read. I fell in love with this simple tale from Arthurian Legend, which I’ve never done before... It’s beautiful, simple, and captivating. I would highly recommend reading this edition if you’re interested in Sir Gawain. 

The Last Hero - Terry Pratchett (Discworld #27, Rincewind and the Wizards #7)

OWLs: Astronomy

This is a book of two halves for me. The story itself is a bit too simple for my tastes... We see Cohen the Barbarian (the only Discworld character I actually hate) heading towards the Hub to return fire to the gods, however, Ankh-Morpork sends a party afte him to prevent him from destroying the Disc. This party was hilarious: Rincewind, the Librarian, Leonard of Quirrm, and Captain Carrot Ironfounderson all confined to a tiny ‘spaceship’... This was not a combination of characters I ever expected to see and their personalities, particularly Carrot and Rincewind, created several spectacularly ridiculous moments I loved! But the plot itself wasn’t great, I was expecting a bit more from Pratchett at this stage in in the Discworld.

However, the artwork in this book was stunning! It worked so well to elevate the story, I couldn’t help but love it... If the artwork hadn’t been included this book would have been a lot weaker... It’s hard to rate the book because of this, but I did really enjoy it (and hopefully this will be the last time I have to read about Cohen the Barbarian and the Silver Horde.) Also, look up Rincewind as The Scream, it’s brilliant!

We Should All Be Feminists - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

OWLs: Arithmancy

I usually don’t read essays for pleasure, nonfiction has been relegated to academic pursuits for the last 5ish years... Yet, this classic (I’m calling it a classic, everyone should read it) essay from Adichie was incredibly powerful. It emphasised the importance of feminism to non-western/European women and highlighted how important and beneficial feminism is for everyone. It’s a really important piece for people to read and I’d highly recommend finding the audiobook, or a reading, done by Adichie as her passion for the subject shines through her words.

Beren and Luthien - J.R.R. Tolkien (Middle Earth)

OWLs: Transfiguration

I ADORED Beren and Luthien, it was the best book I’ve read all month. I was expecting to dislike this book because of it’s formatting. It’s told through several fragmentary versions of Beren’ and Luthien’s romance that at Tolkien wrote throughout his life. Christopher Tolkien edited together 5 or 6 (maybe?) manuscripts along with his own commentary, introduction, and parts of the Earendil story to give us a fleshed out picture of Tolkien’s greatest romance. Unlike The Fall of Gondolin, which I read earlier this year, the format worked beautifully for Beren and Luthien, probably because the different versions that have survived were incredibly different and more complete.

I was feeling a bit so-so about this collection until we started seeing the Lay of Leithian (sp?) woven in between a few prose versions of the tale. The verse in the Lay of Leithian was gorgeous, it was beautiful, etherial, and passionate. I actually cried reading a few sections from it, such as the end of Felagund’s part in the tale. It was such a shame Tolkien never finished the Lay as it probably would have been his best work within the Middle Earth legend. It was captivating and the poetry suited the tone and style of Beren and Luthien’s story. The verse would have made the final acts of Luthien in the Halls of Mados exquisite, poignant, and heartbreakingly tragic.

I cannot love this book more - it might be my favourite in Middle Earth, knocking The Silmarillion off the top spot... But, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this book for everyone. If you’re a Tolkien fanatic then I’d consider this a must read, it contains Tolkien’s most beautiful writing along with his most tragic romance! If you’re only mildly interested in Middle Earth then I don’t think you’re going to enjoy it.

The Children of Earth and Sky - Guy Gavriel Kay

OWLs: Charms

The Children of Earth and Sky was an incredibly read, it’s a powerful but understated historical fantasy set in a world based on (I presume) renaissance Italy and the Ottoman Empire at its height. There’s not a vast amount of story here, however, the character work, world building, and thematic discussion around history, religion, the ability of an individual to change the fate of nations, corruption of power, and so much more, was stunning. It was a beautiful study of characters and cultures, which was complimented by Kay’s sumptuous writing style. This was a gorgeous read! 

My biggest criticism is for the romances, Kay had 4 main characters - two men and two women - and rather predictably they ended up in relationships by the end of the novel... The relationship between Danica and Marin did make more sense to me by the end of the book than the relationship between Leonora and Pero. However, both were a bit instalove-y and could have done with more development.

Nevertheless, I’d highly recommend this book! It would be an excellent read for people who aren’t fantasy fans as the fantastical elements are minor. The focus is on the historical influences, themes, and character development. It’s an excellent standalone fantasy book and I’m excited to read more of Kay’s work in the future.

The Merchant of Venice - William Shakespeare

OWLs: Divination

Most of what I could say about The Merchant of Venice has already been said before. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Shylock is incredibly problematic (I haven’t got the time or energy to go into why, but there are literally thousands of books, essays and blogposts about this, go forth and read if you want more details), the relationship between Portia and Bassanio makes NO sense, and I cannot believe that ending means anyone is going to be happy...

However, this play has a certain charm that I loved. I couldn’t help but like the relationship between Antonio and Bassanio, Portia and Nerissa are darlings, and I had fun reading the wacky plotline and (yet more) crossdressing shenanigans going on in here! I think most of my enjoyment came from the RSC version I watch alongside the play (currently availbale on Marquee TV). Either way, I’m happy to have read the play AT LAST and be one play closer to my goal of reading every Shakespeare play!

Assassin’s Apprentice - Robin Hobb (Farseer #1, Realm of the Elderlings #1)

OWLs: Defence Against the Dark Arts

We all know how I feel about Robin Hobb and the Realm of the Elderlings. I adore this world, Fitz and the Fool are (probably) the best written characters in fantasy and two of my all time favourites! I reread this for the Elderlingalong (that I somehow missed...), which gave me the perfect excuse to pick up the new 25th Anniversary edition with the GORGEOUS illustrations from Magali Villeneuve. I had a wonderful time rereading this and if you’re a fan of Hobb and you haven’t seen the work this book already you MUST get your hands on it ASAP. 

Non-OWLs books

The Gathering Storm - Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson (Wheel of Time #12)

I wrote WAY to much to include it on this long list of books... I’ll post my thoughts on The Gathering Storm separately. 

Conclusion of my ramblings: I really liked it, there were flaws in Sanderson’s writing and treatment of some characters (Mat in particular), however, it was a really good installment in the series! Sanderson really impressed me and I’m slightly nervous and very excited to read the last two books in the series!

The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien (Lord of the Rings #1)

I’ve already put up a lot of my thoughts on my latest read of The Fellowship of the Ring here. I really loved rereading this book (as I always do), I had a lot of new thoughts, and I gained a new appreciation of Boromir and Tolkien’s poetry. My annotation reread will continue in the near future with The Two Towers - I just need to clear a few urgent reads off my shelves first!

Currently Reading

Nevermore: The Trials of Morrigan Crow - Jessica Townsend

Buddy read book! I’ve actually finished this at time of posting but I’m trying to give an accurate view of my April reading!

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet - Becky Chambers

I was supposed to read this for Arithmancy, but I didn’t get round to it... I’ve also finished this one early this month.

Words of Radiance - Brandon Sanderson

Another buddy read with @towerofleeza​! We’re not the best at reading this at the same time (sorry dear!) but I think we’re both loving it, I certainly am!

Witches Abroad - Terry Pratchett

I couldn’t help myself I needed more of the Witches! I’ve also finished this one at time of posting this and enjoyed it.

[ladyherenya]

Books read in September

I fell down a couple of rabbit holes -- that’s my metaphor of choice for when I ignore my TBR list and get distracted reading other things, usually in a search for comfort reading.

Also, I clicked the wrong thing in the Kindle app at 1am and now I have a free trial of Kindle Unlimited so I decided I might as well make use of it.

Favourite cover: A Conspiracy in Belgravia.

Reread: Obsidio by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff, Penric’s Mission and Mira’s Last Dance by Lois McMaster Bujold and Exit Strategy by Martha Wells.

Still reading: The Princess Who Flew with Dragons by Stephanie Burgis.

Next up: Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell and Faith Erin Hicks.

(Longer reviews and ratings are on LibraryThing. And also Dreamwidth.)

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang: Khai hasn’t found a girlfriend, so his mother arranges for a young woman from Vietnam to come to California for the summer, to see if she and Khai will suit each other. This is romance, a genre which doesn’t always share my narrative priorities -- some things are resolved too neatly, and I’d have liked more of Esme’s relationship with her daughter and of her adult education classes -- but I enjoyed reading this, so I’m not complaining. I liked how Hoang portrays Khai’s autism. He has a greater capacity for love than he realises, he just needs support to understand his feelings.

Secrets of a Sun King by Emma Carroll (narrated by Victoria Fox): I read this because I love the narrator and really liked Carroll’s Letters From the Lighthouse. This book is set post-WWI, and involves friendship, family secrets and the discovery of Tutankhamun’s tomb. Lil’s grandfather is in hospital and she becomes convinced that his recovery depends upon her solving the mystery surrounding the package sent to him by a famous and now-deceased Egyptologist. I predicted the twists, but I can see how this would strongly appeal to children who want a blend of history, adventure and mystery with a hint of fantasy. (Where was this when I was twelve?)

The Spirit Ring by Lois McMaster Bujold: Fantasy set in Renaissance Italy. Fiametta, daughter of a master mage and goldsmith, witnesses a violent coup. She flees -- and meets Thur, a guardsmen’s younger brother coming to Montefolgia for an apprenticeship. This was published in 1992, after Bujold had published several Vorkosigan books and won a few Hugos, so I wasn’t expecting it to feel so, well, rough by comparison. That said, bits of it still shine! The plot makes every detail count, the final confrontation is memorable and I liked the characters. And it’s interesting to consider this as a precursor to Bujold’s World of the Five Gods.

A Royal Pain by Meg Mulry: This turned up when I was searching Overdrive for something else (Goodness knows why, none of my search words are its title or description). It sounded like it might be entertaining, maybe a bit like The Princess Diaries. It isn’t, at least not enough for me. Two-thirds through I decided to abandon it -- and then a bit later I decided I might as well skim read to the end and see how everything turned out. I don’t feel qualified to say anything insightful, I just wandered in here by mistake...

The Enchanted April (1922) by Elizabeth von Armin (narrated by Nadia May): Four women respond to a newspaper advertisement and rent a house in Italy for the month of April. This is delightfully funny and observant, with idyllic descriptions of spring in Italy. I liked the friendships which develop between four very different women, and the way they are challenged -- or inspired -- to reconsider their opinions about others. The ending is, unsurprisingly, very tidy and conventional. (Not many options for happy endings a 1920s novelist could easily give to unhappily married women.) Reading nothing but sunshine and fairytale endings would become unsatisfying, no matter how wonderful the prose, but sometimes it’s just want one wants.

The “Lady Sherlock” series by Sherry Thomas:

A Conspiracy in Belgravia: Disgraced Charlotte Holmes has found a home with the widowed Mrs Watson and an income under the persona of “Sherlock Holmes”. Her latest case sounds simple but is complicated by connections to the wife of Charlotte’s closest friend and Charlotte’s half-brother. Meanwhile, Charlotte has a marriage proposal to consider, ciphers to crack, and a murder victim to identify. I like the way certain qualities of Doyle’s characters are assigned to different characters -- so Charlotte’s sister Livia is writing stories about Sherlock, and Mrs Watson’s niece has medical training. I enjoyed reading this and immediately embarked on the next book.

The Hollow of Fear: I could not put this book down -- the stakes are so high and personal! But in the end I didn’t find this a wholly satisfying mystery because much of the tension is the result of Charlotte concealing a lot about her suspicions and plans. It’s fun watching Charlotte in disguise, and I don’t mind some misdirection, nor Charlotte keeping thoughts to herself. That fits with her character. But the extent of it felt contrived. Disappointment aside, I liked the journey, thought one of the twists was handled with particular deftness, and I am eager to read the sequel.

The Huntress by Kate Quinn (narrated by Saskia Maarlveld): A long, complex, powerful three-stranded story about war and its aftermath. In Boston in 1946, Jordan, a teenager passionate about photography, is suspicious of her new stepmother. In Germany in 1950, war correspondent Ian now hunts war criminals. And in Siberia before the war, Nina becomes a pilot. From the beginning, this was interesting, with tense scenes. But I wasn’t strongly invested, and I was unsure of the narrative’s structure. As the story continued, I discovered that it is richer and more nuanced because of its structure --  and that I was becoming very attached to these characters. Surprisingly so.

The “Dear Professor” series by Penny Reid

Kissing Galileo: The description made me curious, so I looked at the sample chapters... and, unexpectedly, was convinced I should read this book. Because it’s smart and funny! And I liked how the characters deal with an awkward and potentially very problematic situation. (Emily works as a lingerie model, and when her professor visits the store, he doesn’t recognise her.) I really enjoyed the progression of their relationship -- how obviously they like each other’s company and care about each other, how they have an intellectual connection that goes hand-in-hand physical attraction, how they learn to understand each other better.

Kissing Tolstoy: The first book is about Emily’s friend Anna, who signs up for a Russian literature class, unaware that the professor is someone she accidentally had an almost-date with. This is a shorter than Kissing Galileo, nearly novella-length, and because I read them back-to-back, suffered somewhat in comparison -- it’s less complex, and features a professor who doesn’t deal quite so well with being attracted to one of his students. I wasn’t so convinced their relationship was a good idea. But there’s some entertaining awkwardness and people being opinionated about Russian literature. I liked Anna’s nerdy interests and her friendship with Emily.

Marriage of Inconvenience by Penny Reid: I was curious what else Reid has written and sometimes I like fake relationships stories.  This book makes a convoluted set-up feel plausible. I liked how Kat and Dan’s relationship developed, I liked the ratio of romance to plot, and I liked how involved and supportive all their friends were. But my enjoyment ebbed as I read, which is probably a reflection on what I want from this sort of story rather than on this book’s merits. I don’t find the corporate city setting very interesting or appealing.

Dr. Strange Beard by Penny Reid: I enjoy stories where characters are passionate about their interests.  In this, one of the characters is a vet but his job had no real presence in the story. What a waste.

A Desperate Fortune by Susanna Kearsley: Sara accepts a job decoding a ciphered diary from 1732. The diary is written by Mary, a half-Scottish woman raised in France, who agrees to disguise an Englishman by pretending to be his sister. I like how these two stories sit together. There’s a gentleness to Sara’s, as she discovers things she likes, including the sensory delights of winter in France and people who accept her. In contrast, Mary’s is full of danger, deception and the discomfort of travel. But there’s also subtle, common threads running throughout: life-changing choices and trusting people. I liked so many things in this book.

Echo in Onyx by Sharon Shinn: Brianna becomes the maid for the governor’s daughter, who has three “echoes”. When one of Marguerite's echoes is killed defending Marguerite, Brianna disguises herself as the echo so that they can conceal the incident. The concept of echoes is unusual and Shinn has clearly given careful thought to how they would affect society and daily life for those who have them, as well as reasons for their existence.  I wasn’t surprised by the final twists, because I know how Shinn usually deals with injustice, but parts were still quite tense. And I liked Brianna’s attitude -- so sunny and resourceful and loyal.

A House of Rage and Sorrow by Sangu Mandanna: I really liked A Spark of White Fire so I was surprised by my reaction to this sequel. Halfway through, I was pushing myself to stay focused and just wanted to cross it off the list. So I left it there. I don’t know if there was something in the pacing or the first book’s ending which stopped me from caring -- or if I just wasn’t in the mood to read about rage and sorrow and things going to hell in a handbasket. I might try again one day. I did like the first one.

[taesthetes]

the universe of us.

“I love you.” — “I know.”

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader | kim taehyung x reader genre: slight comedy, angst, fluff type: dream / fantasy / slice of life au word count: 21,112 words warnings: none author’s note: thank you to the true mvps @zephyoongist​, @gukstudio, and @syubits for all their aggressive motivation through means of screaming at me to continue dragging myself through this wild ride until the completion of this nightmare monstrosity. the italicized quote mentioned in this was said by dr. suess. i wrote this while listening to this song, and this fic is also inspired by the only two japanese films i’ve ever watched: “your name” and “five centimeters per second.”

nefelibata : (noun) lit. “cloud-walker”; the one who lives in the clouds of their own imagination or dreams

The story of Icarus tells of a naive being who loved the sun and flew too close, leading to his untimely descent into the ocean. But what the tale didn’t speak of was how the sun and the moon fell in love with him, too. And with the pull of the tides due to the attraction of the sun and the moon, he tosses and turns, torn between two entities.

So if Kim Taehyung embodies the sun, then Jeon Jungkook is the moon.

And you are Icarus.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

In a realm of pointless illusions and shadows of reality, dreams are not something you tend to dwell over. Some say it is within dreams where your selfish desires, wants, hopes, and subconscious manifest into a tentative form. As a lucid dreamer, you absolutely enjoy delving into illusions of roaming the boisterous halls of Hogwarts or taking flight into the air as you stretch your fingers out and almost touch the second star to the right.

You never actively try to find the hidden meanings behind the imagined moments that play beneath your eyelids and find purchase within the secret crevices within your mind. There simply is no point in doing so when they are not seen as an escape from reality because you are more than satisfied, daresay happy even, with the way your life is.

You found happiness within a circle of trustworthy and wonderful friends, a stable and amazing job that you actually do not dread going to in the morning, a beautiful and spacious apartment, and to top it off, a very cute and lovable dog named Soonshim whom you are a proud parent of with your boyfriend. More so, after all, you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. And you are completely head over heels for a certain Kim Taehyung.

But then you find yourself slipping between the stratums of real and make-believe, existence and reverie, day and night under the guise of slumber and fantasies, thrown headfirst into an entirely new life that leaves you confused and chasing after something—or rather, someone—who is more than just silly daydreams and butterflies.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The spacious area you are standing in is so tastefully decorated with a warm, yet minimalistic look. A comfortable, ebony L-shaped couch is pressed against the wall with a simple matching coffee table in front of it along with a large flat screen television fashioned against the wall along with a full sound system installed. A black bookcase is against the wall with a potted plant stands in the corner along with a keyboard and a guitar finding residence in the other corner of the room. The soft, ivory colored carpet beneath your bare toes feels like absolute heaven. There is a small hallway that most likely leads to several bedrooms and bathrooms.

There is no divider between the living room and the kitchen area. You have a full view of the beautiful state of the art kitchen space with white cupboards, marble countertops, and black wood island counter complete with elegant bar stools. The wall with the flat screen fashioned to it separates the living room and the dining room, which is adjacent to the kitchen area. A black dining table set with six cushioned chairs is behind the wall.

Turning around, you are staring in awe at the absolutely breath-taking city view courtesy of the floor to ceiling glass windows. Wanting a better look, you go over and slide open the glass door, stepping out onto the balcony, which houses two lounge chairs, a small patio table set, and various pots of vibrant, blooming flowers. The cityscape knocks the air out of your lungs as your jaw drops, and you take in the vivacious, bustling streets below and the tall buildings that poke a hole in the cloudless, endless azure span of the sky.

To put it lightly, it is a dream house. Or a gorgeous penthouse found on the nineteenth floor, to be more specific. You are feeling absolutely giddy, dancing around happily for a few seconds, before rushing inside once more to explore the rest of the home. But you come to an unexpected halt, a scream bubbling out from your throat. You are entirely disconcerted when your gaze is shockingly met with a rather unfamiliar pair of eyes: kind, dark brown, doe-like ones.

An unbelievably attractive stranger, judging to be approximately the same age as you, stands in the entrance of the hallway, completely startled by the shriek. His black hair is slightly tousled, and he is casually dressed in a pair of dark gray sweats and a loose black shirt that dips low enough to see his well-defined collarbones. The young man reaches out for you, but stops when you let out a small squeak, having backpedaled and now feeling your back touch the bookshelves behind you.

“Babe, are you alright?” he asks, concerned. His eyes widen, and you almost drown in the intensity of his gaze.

“Wha—I, who are you?” you stammer out, keeping your eyes trained the unfamiliar male in front of you.

His eyebrows furrow in confusion before he opens his mouth to speak.

“I’m Jeon Jungkook, your boyfriend.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You jolt awake, eyes wide open as they begin to adjust to the darkness. Your breathing steadies out, shaky puffs of air escaping between your parted lips, as your dream is still so vividly painted in your mind as it was on the back of your eyelids mere moments ago. Taehyung sleeps soundly next to you, his arm comfortably slung over your torso as he clings to you.

You feel flustered, dreaming about another man—someone who is not the one currently by your side and a complete stranger no less—being your significant other. You hurriedly shove away any thoughts of the man in your dreams. Turning onto your side to face Taehyung, you carefully brush away the strands of his brown locks away from his eyes, and his nose scrunches up subconsciously. Smiling to yourself, you press a light kiss to his nose before snuggling up against your boyfriend. Closing your eyes, you try to fall asleep again.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You cannot believe it. You are back in the same exact place as before.

"What the heck?" you mumble to yourself before carefully making your way across the carpet and towards the bookcase. You let out a small chuckle when you notice all seven books of the Harry Potter series lined up neatly on one of the shelves. A few unlit candles and small succulent plants are placed here and there. But what you look at more closely are the neatly framed photographs set on the shelves. All of them are images of you and him. There are one or two candid shots of you alone or solo pictures of him, but the majority are photos of the two of you together. 

Mouth agape, you can only stare at the visual evidence of your supposed relationship with this man. You brush your fingers against the cool, clear glass covering a photograph of him piggy backing you somewhere at the beach. The both of you are grinning widely as your head is thrown back in mid laugh while he is looking back at you with one of the prettiest, purest smiles you have ever seen. Of course, his smile cannot even hold a candle next to Taehyung's, but still, it is quite nice, you have to admit.

Your eyes catch on the phone that was thrown carelessly on the couch. You would recognize your phone case with the decorating cats and pancakes stickers on the back anywhere. Snatching it up quickly, you quickly look around to make sure your supposed boyfriend is nowhere to be found before turning on your phone. A picture of the most adorable, fluffiest golden Pomeranian dog is set as your lock screen, and you almost die from the sheer overload of cuteness, becoming starry eyed over the image for a few seconds before remembering your initial intention.

Fumbling with the phone and clumsily hitting out the passcode in your haste, you quickly click on the messaging app, finding the names of all your friends listed there, including one Jungcocky with a bunny emoji and bicep emoji. Picking out Taehyung’s name quite easily due to the slew of hearts and dog emojis he himself had put there no doubt, you tap out a text.

[12:31 pm] you: hey where are you

[12:31 pm] taetae: im bored

[12:31 pm] taetae: im in some stupid meeting and its a SATURDAY save me D: >_< ;-;

Quietly laughing to yourself, you cannot help but smile when you are reminded by his excessive use of emoticons.

[12:32 pm] you: ew gross )); late lunch date later? craving ice cream

[12:32 pm] taetae: asjffs i can’t )’:

[12:32 pm] taetae: go with kook this time

[12:32 pm] taetae: havE FUN WITH UR LOVER <3333

Fingers frozen and still hovering over the keyboard, your heart drops and gets buried six feet under when your eyes flit over his latest message that confirms it all.

[12:33 pm] taetae:  AND I JUST BOUGHT AN ISLAND HOW COOL IS THAT???? :D

“What the actual fuck,” you whisper out, forehead wrinkling as you squint and reread the latest message Taehyung sent you over and over again. You laugh in disbelief. “He just bought an island?!”

“Are you talking about Tae?” Jungkook suddenly appears beside you, plopping down on the couch and slinging an arm over your shoulders, and you almost suffer from a heart attack. Shrugging his arm off, you scoot over a few inches away from him, still very wary of this strange man.

“Christ, are you a ninja or something? Make some noise before you come into a room or something,” you exclaim, and he smirks back at you. “And yeah, he apparently bought an island in the middle of his meeting.”

Jungkook snorts, “Of course, he would.”

“What? Where does he get the money for that?!”

Jungkook looks at you curiously. “His startup company, remember? His chip took off, and he’s working with Apple and Samsung to start putting it in their phones and stuff.”

Frozen, you can only stare down at the phone still nestled in your hands. A small, proud smile forms on your face as you look down adoringly at the small contact icon of Taehyung beaming back at you, a signature V hand sign completing his image.

“He made it.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Soft kisses are pressed all over your face, and you slowly open your eyes. The early rays of sunlight filtering through the filmy curtains cast odd shapes and shadows over the comforter. Taehyung grins down at you, head resting in his hand as he lays on his stomach next to you. Giving him a mischievous glance, you loop your arms around his neck and tug him down, and he lets out a small yelp before laughing freely. Returning the affection, you place tiny kisses along his jawline before making a line down from his forehead to his chin, purposely skipping his lips to which he lets out a whine. Giggling, Taehyung scoops you into his arms, flopping onto his back and pulling you into his chest before kissing you gently on the mouth.

“We have to get up for work,” he sighs, his baritone voice deeper than usual in the morning. “I’m still working on the microchip, and we’re trying out another coding process for it. We have everything written and planned out, but if we can just perfect this code, the chip will be able to add another thirty extra gigabytes to any phone.”

A quick flashback to your dream last night brings the tiniest of smiles to your face.

“You’ll get it, Tae. I know you will.” Snuggling your head under his chin, you trace invisible patterns on his chest, enjoying the early moments of the day you have with him. The days are long and spent apart from each other; the quiet moments that occur before the city wakes itself are the ones that mean the most. He hums softly in response, the rumblings reverberating in his chest.

“And how’s your work going?” he asks quietly, hand weaving through the tangled ends of your hair.

“They gave me my first big shot client to work with, so I may have to come home late tonight. I really need to seal the deal with this client as fast as possible,” you answer, letting out a sigh. “My previous clients were more of minor companies. They were super satisfied with the product designs I came up with, so the company is trusting me with a bigger client pool now with more important clients.”

“Should we move our dinner plans to nine then?” Taehyung’s hands find yours, and he stretches your interlocked fingers towards the ceiling, admiring the way his hands envelop your smaller ones like a safety net.

“Only if you’re willing to try and make pasta from scratch with me that late,” you laugh, clasping onto his hand tightly. One squeeze. Four squeezes. Three squeezes. It was an unspoken “I love you” that conveys the same amount of emotions, if not more, without needing to move your lips.

“Anything for you, sunshine.”

“Great, I can’t wait to see your latest plating skills.”

“Hey, ‘Squirrel Locked in Garden’ was my pièce de résistance that only true artists can appreciate.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You find yourself standing in front of the counter this time with an unopened carton of your favorite ice cream set in front of you and the utensils drawer opened. Quickly taking out a spoon and pulling off the lid of the pint, you scoop out a hefty amount and almost moan as the first taste of the sweet goodness. Hey, if your dream gives you ice cream, you are never going to question it. A quiet jingling captures your attention, and a nudge to your leg has you looking down in surprise. The very same dog from your lock screen peers up at you, yapping excitedly.

"Oh my god, dog." Immediately, you put down the food to kneel down and pet the furry animal, squealing as it comes up and places its paws on your knees, tail wagging furiously. The jingling sound makes an appearance again, and you carefully grasp at the small tag hanging from its collar.

"Cookie," you read aloud, smiling widely as the dog nearly jumps into your arms and nuzzles your face.

"You called?"

With a small squeal, your head snaps up to see the same man from before, leaning against the wall, with an amused expression on his face.

"What?" You blink, staring at him—Jungkook if you remembered his name correctly—in confusion. You are a bit wary, hugging the dog tighter to your chest. Sure, you can trust any new dog in a nanosecond, but someone you never met before? Never.

He tilts his head to one side in a way very much similar to the cute dog in front of you that is cocking its head to one side as well. "You sometimes call me that. Kookie."

"Oh." You scrutinize the man who is supposedly your boyfriend.

"Should I be flattered that you still shamelessly check me out even after all these years?" Jungkook smirks, striking a greatly exaggerated model pose, and you cannot help but let a tiny laugh come out. But then you realize what he just said and—

"After all these years?" you echo his last words in bewilderment.

"Yeah, you've been stuck with me for a whopping eleven years since the start of high school." Grinning, he crosses his arms over his chest and damn, if you did not notice how defined his arms were before, you certainly did now.

You study him quietly, mentally noting down all your observations. He is dressed in another pair of loose sweat pants, but they are black this time, and a white shirt drapes onto his shoulders. His ebony hair is combed out better than before, but still retains a sort of wavy style. His nose slopes down slightly, leading to his mouth, cupid’s bow curving, forming into a mischievous smirk when he notices you are still staring at him, eyes crinkling in the corners.

But then, the thought of your actual boyfriend comes to mind, and you blurt out, "What about Tae?"

A look of surprise crosses his face. "Taehyung? What about him?”

“Where is he?” you ask in desperation, and confusion contorts his face.

“Uh, he’s probably at his house? I'm not really sure." His lips quirk into a teasing smile. "But I'm surprised you asked since you've been his best friend way longer than I have. If you have no idea, then how would I?"

Your heart nearly stops in your chest at this. Even if you already learned this before, it still does hurt. Why is Taehyung your best friend only? What about being your boyfriend? Why isn't he your boyfriend here? Wrapped up in your thoughts, you bite your lip, contemplating and tapping the spoon against your mouth lightly. Jungkook strides over to pick up the remote control, turning on the flat screen and video game console. Cookie wriggles out from your hands and pads over to the couch, jumping up and circling a few times before settling down.

"Super Smash Bros Brawl?" Startled, you look over at Jungkook comfortably sprawled out on one side of the couch, holding one controller in the air out towards you. You stay silent, contemplating your choices: should you make a run for it or should you sit down and play video games with some delusional man who calls himself your boyfriend?

"Afraid that I'll kick your ass this time?" Jungkook asks, grinning widely, and that completely settles it for you, flaring up that competitive streak in you. You grab the ice cream carton, spoon still stuck in it, and march over to where he sits.

"Hand over that controller."

Plucking it from his grasp, you sit down on the other end of the couch, Cookie immediately coming over to snuggle down in your lap, and you pet the dog happily with one hand as you flick through the various animated characters on the screen, finally settling for Zelda and Sheik.

"Darn dog never gives me any affection. Does he even know who he’s named after anyway?" Jungkook mutters, pouting, and you crack a smile at his words while you expertly maneuver your way around the battle ground, toggling back and forth with Zelda.

He is different from Taehyung, you silently observe. Taehyung usually lets you win even though you insist on playing fair and square. Your naturally competitive nature had become dormant over the years, but playing with Jungkook has caused it to reappear. Executing every move and play with ease, you battle against his character with more vigor than you usually do. And begrudgingly, you admit to yourself silently that you are enjoying yourself.

It is merely a dream, you reason in your head, momentarily distracted, and Jungkook lands a critical hit. Letting out a victory whoop, he smashes your character out in sudden death. Shaking your head, you let out a laugh before pressing the start button again, determined to win the next round.

Again, it is only a dream. You are simply playing a video game with someone. This is something you do with a friend. Who is a boy. And is supposedly your boyfriend. He seems harmless enough.

Plus, he is only a figment of your imagination after all.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Exhausted from staying overtime, you trudge down the hall and towards your and Taehyung’s shared apartment, slotting your key and twisting it before opening the door and walking in. Kicking off your kitten heels and placing them neatly by the door, you walk into the kitchen, only to find your boyfriend standing with what looks like a lumpy ball of dough in his hands, a splotch of flour on his cheek that goes unnoticed by him. He is focused on kneading out the dough, still unaware of your presence, the tip of his tongue sticking out in concentration.

Unable to stop yourself from smiling, you lean against the fridge, crossing your arms over your chest. “Well, hey there, hot stuff. What are you making?”

With a yelp, Taehyung looks up, wide eyed. “You’re home already? I was going to surprise you with pasta I made because I knew you were going to be tired and—”

“God, I love you so much.” At his explanation, your heart swells a hundredfold before you stride over to him and kiss him on the mouth quickly before leaning away, brushing off the stray flour on his face affectionately. Crimson blooms on his sun kissed cheeks as he grins happily at you.

“I made another masterpiece for you! It’s in the fridge,” he pipes up, still beaming widely.

“Oh, really? I don’t know if anything can top your squirrel one though,” you tease, making your way to the fridge and opening it. “Well, I stand corrected.”

“It’s called ‘Fish Stuck in Sea’!” states Taehyung gleefully as you pull out his latest food art.

“Wow… I just… wow, Tae. I don’t know what to say,” you say seriously, keeping up a straight face for a few more seconds, before finally breaking out into giggles. “It is truly an original beauty.”

“I know, right?” Taehyung says proudly, abandoning the dough, before going over to you and wrapping his arms around your waist, your back pressed against his chest as he rests his head on your shoulder. The both of you admire his chef-d'oeuvre, identical smiles on your faces.

Taehyung had made Jell-O, brightly colored with blue food dye with the use of a Bundt cake tin. He had stuck goldfish crackers in the Jell-O here and there, letting it harden in the refrigerator before flipping the tin onto a fancy cake stand.

“Amazing, Tae… Should we eat it now?”

“… Yeah. I really only made it because I was craving Jell-O.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The pasta came out perfectly, and the two of you had a pleasant dinner filled with funny office stories, and recounts of daily mishaps. After cleaning up, Taehyung chose a Studio Ghibli movie to watch. After turning on the television set and putting in the disc, he jumps onto the bed, patting the spot next to him for you. As you slip under the covers, Taehyung pulls you to his chest, bodies tangled together. Aside from quiet murmurs and occasional soft giggles, the only sounds came from the screen in front, the two of you quietly enjoying your time together.

When the credits roll onto the screen, Taehyung lazily turns off the television set. Setting the remote back on the nightstand, he settles down in bed again and presses a soft kiss to your forehead as you snuggle closer to him.

“Good night, sunshine. I love you.”

“G’night, Tae. I love you.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The penthouse is silent.

Clutching Cookie to your chest, you peek into every room, making sure Jungkook or anyone in general is not hiding anywhere. During your search, you discovered an art room. After making an entire round around the large apartment, you return to the space turned art studio. Gently placing Cookie down on the floor, you gaze at your surroundings as the dog heads straight for a small nest of pillows in the corner, jumping straight onto them and settling down.

The area is basked in the natural light coming from the ceiling to floor windows. On the one side, there are graphite pencils and ink markers scattered across the surface of the desk. A haphazardly stacked array of sketchbooks is teetering on the edge of the table. Several different models of cameras line up against the wall on the desk, and many photographs are tacked up on the wall. Taking a step closer to see the images, your breath is abruptly stolen from you when your eyes roam over the pictures. A door is next to the desk, a paper with the words ‘dark room’ scrawled in an unfamiliar handwriting taped on it.

With one glance over the other half of the room, you immediately know it is yours. An easel is set up next to the windows, an unfinished painting of the landscape below covering part of the canvas. A carefully compiled collage of graphite sketches and various water colors make its home on the wall in front of the desk. Colored pencils are positioned neatly in their boxes, like little soldiers standing in line and ready for duty. Tubes of paint decorate the top edge of the desk. A canvas heavily splashed with a myriad of hues sits in the bottom right corner of the desk to dry, and the once colorful palette now devoid of any vibrant splatters has returned to its position next to the colored pencils. A recycled glass decorated with the very same paints rests in the desk’s upper left corner, filled with varying types of graphite. Another glass holds ink pens. The last one carries paintbrushes. A sketchbook is flipped open to a fresh page in the center of the desk.

Excitedly walking over to the desk, you take a seat and stare down at untainted paper, a plethora of ideas already bursting from your mind and wanting to inch its way onto the ridged paper in front of you. Perhaps a still life of a gerbera daisy will dance its way onto the sheet. Or maybe a paper white narcissus will come to life, or possibly, you will draw a hand. Painting an exaggerated self-portrait sounds tempting as well. A small bark from the Pomeranian in the corner causes an idea to bloom in your mind, and you start to draw, stealing glances at the dog every once in a while.

Forty minutes later, you have a completed sketch of Cookie sprawled on the cushions. Satisfied with your finished artwork, you take a tape dispenser with you as you amble over to the relaxing dog. Crouching down, you carefully tape up the drawing on the wall at Cookie’s eyelevel.

“There. Now you have something in your art corner as well,” you say, admiring your drawing. “Do you like it, Cookie?”

“That’s cute as fuck.”

With a yelp, you flail slightly and fall on your bottom, causing Jungkook to chuckle from the doorway. Wide eyed and mouth open comically, you stare at him in surprise from the floor, which makes him laugh even harder.

“Need help getting up?” He smirks, eyes crinkling in the corners, and you scramble to stand up.

“No, I’m fine, thank you.”

“I got your favorite takeout for dinner. It’s on the table.” He disappears from the doorway, walking to the kitchen. Your favorite takeout? Does he know it? Even Taehyung sometimes doesn’t know it because you change it every week or so and has to call you to check. Curious, you make your way to the kitchen as well, Cookie following behind you.

When you see the tell-tale bag of the burger place down the street, you are somewhat impressed. How did he even know that was what you wanted? Okay, but surely, he could not have gotten your order correct.

“Cheeseburger with grilled onions, pickles, mustard grilled patty, and extra sauce? And an order of animal style fries and a Neapolitan milkshake?” he speaks up, and your jaw drops. How did he even—

“I overheard you talking to Tae about wanting a burger earlier.” He gives you a sheepish smile. “And you ordered that when we went there a while ago, so I figured…”

“I—thank you.” You stumble over your words, still in disbelief. You sit down on the bar stool adjacent to his.

His smile widens before he steals a fry from you amidst your protests. “You’re welcome.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Sitting in your friend’s apartment for a movie night, you wrap your arms around a pillow, squeezing it to your chest. Ann returns from the kitchen, holding a bowl of popcorn and a few bags of various junk food. Rys follows behind, clutching onto an apple juice for you and three fizzy drinks for her, Ann, and Elle. Dumping the food and drinks onto the coffee table, the two of them sprawl out onto the couch. Elle chooses to sit on the floor next to the table because “The closer to food, the better.” You opt to sit in the armchair, curling up as you hug the pillow with a blanket thrown over your legs, mind wandering back to the dreams that have been plaguing you the past month. Every night, you had a different dream, but they all revolved around him, some taking place in the here and now, while others reveal new bits and pieces of your supposed relationship from first dates to prom night to college outings.

“What do you think they’re all doing?” Rys wonders aloud, and Ann snorts, “The boys? They’re all at Taehyung and _______’s apartment probably playing a bunch of video games and screaming at the screen.”

“God, if they’re playing Mario Kart and Jin loses, he’s gonna come home so sulky,” sighs Elle, shaking her head.

“Good thing Hobi isn’t that competitive over video games,” Ann laughs before turning on the flatscreen and pulling up Netflix. “What are we watching tonight?”

“Oh god, anything but horror.” Elle shudders as she reaches for her soda. Grabbing a bag of cheese crackers, Rys agrees, “Something funny would be good. A rom-com?”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Ann turns to you. “Any suggestions, _______... _______? Hey, you there?”

Rys reaches over, waving her hand in front of your face slightly, and you break your chain of thought. “What? Sorry, I kind of spaced out.”

Elle looks at you, worried. “You’ve been doing that lately. Is everything okay?”

You hesitate, fiddling with your fingers. Should you tell them? Would they think you are crazy or overthinking it? You already think you are going crazy over these dreams. But the thoughts of keeping the dreams to yourself have been driving you insane, consuming your mind every minute as you ponder over every nightly fantasy down to the smallest detail. It has gotten to the point that when Taehyung does something, you immediately compare him to Jungkook. And you absolutely hate that, your stomach churning and mind uneasy that you keep making comparisons between your boyfriend and someone who is not real.

“I’ve been… having some dreams,” you admit, twisting the edge of the blanket around your finger anxiously.

“You mean, like scary nightmares?” questions Rys.

“Or… naughty dreams?” Ann winks at you. You immediately launch the pillow in your hands at her, and she squeals when it squarely hits her. “Okay, okay, I take it as a no then.”

“It’s like…” you start to say, and they all quiet down, looking at you expectantly. “… it’s a whole different life. Well, everything is the same around me, but my life is different. I have an entirely different life with someone who isn’t Tae.”

“Is that it? I have dreams about being with Liam Hemsworth, so don’t worry, you’re not the only one who doesn’t dream about their boyfriend,” says Ann, shrugging slightly and waving her hand dismissively.

“No, but it’s different!” you insist. “I get dreams that connect to each other… I thought they were just dreams of my life happening right now but with someone else… but there are time skips happening in some dreams, like I get dreams where I’m in high school again or college and then I have dreams when I’m five years older and in the future or something… and I get a lot that happen now too… but it’s of the same life, same relationship with the same man in every dream. And it’s been happening every single night for the past month.”

The three of them exchange silent glances, confused. You get exasperated, sharply inhaling. “You all think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“No, of course not!” Rys protests, and Elle speaks up, “Have you seen… this man, um, outside of your dreams?”

“No! I don’t even know who he is or if my mind just decided to conjure up a random person. But I somehow have this entire relationship built up with him, and I don’t know why,” you sigh, clenching and unclenching your fists to stop yourself from getting so worked up.

“What does he look like?” Ann asks, stretching out to grab her soda and taking a sip of it. You reach down to your bag, rummaging around to find a pencil and any stray receipts or papers. Pulling out a wrinkled sheet with one of your discarded product designs, you flatten it out the best you can before sketching out a quick drawing of him and holding it up for them to see.

“Well, damn,” Rys whistles, peering at the drawing.

“He’s really cute.” Elle comments, and Ann agrees, “Yeah, super good looking. Damn, it’s like your dreams are literally blessed with a man of your dreams.”

“Guys, this isn’t about how attractive this dude is—I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with all these weird dreams.”

“Okay, yeah, but you agree, right? Because that man looks fine as fuck,” Ann says, smirking, and you move to throw another pillow at her. “Alright, alright, fine, just put the missile down, woman.”

“Is there other people in the dreams? Or is it just you and him?” Rys asks, all thoughts of a movie now forgotten.

“Everyone is in it. Even Tae. And he knows we’re dating. Everyone else’s lives are the exact same, except for mine. It’s like I’m going through every single one of my memories and adding in some boy who doesn’t even exist.”

“Every memory? What did you learn about him?”

“From the beginning? Well, his name is Jeon Jungkook, and we met in an English class I had in second semester, freshman year. It was the one with Mrs. Jung, and I knew no one in that class. He sat next to me and apparently forgot his book, and I offered to share mine. And we were just reading partners and always compared our notes with each other in class,” You start, and they all nod their heads, gesturing for you to continue.

“And during lunch one day, Tae was doing that thing, you know, where he sings that song ‘You Are My Sunshine’ to me because he knows I’ll do anything to get him to stop.” You smile fondly as your friends laugh, witnessing that firsthand so many times. “And Jungkook comes along, and he asks me out… and for some reason, I said yes.”

“Wait, hold up.” Ann holds her hand out. “You said yes? Aren’t you dating Tae by then?”

“No… he was just my best friend… and I saw him talking to Ave a lot, and they were really close, so you know, I thought… they were dating in my dream. I wasn’t thinking straight!” you burst out, twisting a strand of your hair around your finger tightly.

Something about Jungkook makes you forget Taehyung when you are in his presence. He reminds you of the beginnings of relationships with the unknown feelings and tentative gestures, something that intrigues you, like a moth drawn to the flame. In a way, he is like Taehyung, but you do not want to try your luck for a second time because you might crash and burn.

“Okay, okay, but it’s just a dream, so it’s okay,” reassures Elle, offering you a bag of potato chips tentatively, and you take them, thanking her. It is probably a good time to start eating your feelings out anyway.

“Did anything else happen?” asks Ann, biting her lower lip.

“Well, there were the first dates, you know, like going to the movies and then hanging out after school. Just the usual high school dates, except they weren’t with Tae… we went to that carnival with everyone else, and we both won stuffed animals though.” You add in as an afterthought before a tiny smile appears on your face. “He was surprisingly very good at the football toss, unlike Tae. Remember how I won Tae the tiger plushie?”

Elle laughs, “Yeah, he squealed so loudly and showed off his happy dance and then gave you such a big hug and kept clinging onto you and the stuffed animal after that.”

“Yeah, he was really cute.” You grin, remembering that night so clearly and the way Taehyung grinned so brightly at you. Even now, your heart flutters at the memory, and the tiger plush has made its home on the chair in your shared bedroom with Taehyung. “It just feels, I don’t know… so wrong to have all these new memories—dreams, I mean—in all the same places where I fell in love with Tae.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Laughing as you and Ann walk out of history class together, she nudges your arm, nodding her head in the direction of your locker down the hallway. The hallways are crowded with students all swarming out from the classrooms and rushing to leave after the last bell rang. Bobbing your head around, you finally spot Jungkook standing awkwardly near your locker.

You give her a questioning look, and she giggles, “Did you forget? He’s waiting for you at your locker for your study date. You know, for the English project you’ve been doing? Anyway, have fun! Go get him, tiger!”

With a wave and a light shoving of you in his direction, she goes in the opposite way towards her locker where Hoseok is standing and waving excitedly at her. He gives her a tight hug, and you cannot help, but smile. They are always cute together, even if they cause you to lose a good ten years of your life every now and then from their antics. Weaving your way around the other students, you find your locker: number 247 and Jungkook waiting there. He gives you a large grin, and you tentatively return it, spinning the right combination before opening your locker.

“How was your class?” he asks, slipping his hands into the pockets of his high school uniform.

“Honestly? I didn’t pay attention. Ann and I were mostly fooling around and sending each other memes in the back,” you answer, taking out the books you needed and placing them into your backpack before slamming your locker shut.

Jungkook chuckles before clearing his throat nervously. “So, um, I was wondering… if you wanted to… uh…”

Turning towards him, you tilt your head, waiting for him to finish. He becomes flustered, unable to finish, and you giggle quietly. “What is it, Jungkook?”

“Can we take the long way to your house? The way through the park this time?” He rubs the back of his neck, his face reddening as he avoids your gaze and holds in his breath, puffing up his cheeks. You are not going to lie; he looks downright adorable.

“Sure.” You let out a laugh when his head snaps up and he stares at you in surprise. “Wait, really?”

“Yes, really. Unless you changed your mind in the past three seconds?”

“N-no, okay, are you ready to leave?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

The two of you walk in the direction of your home, cutting through the park. You spot an ice cream cart, and your eyes brighten. Grabbing Jungkook’s hand to his surprise, you drag him over to the nearest wooden bench. “Can you wait here for a bit? I’ll be right back, I promise!”

Nodding dazedly, he still registers that your hand in his and it is so soft compared to his hands. You give him a genuine smile before sliding off your backpack and putting it down on the space next to him. Taking out your wallet from the small pocket, you race over to the ice cream cart, standing in line behind two younger girls and a mother with her small child.

Jungkook quietly laughs when he sees you giddily hopping from one foot to the other. Looking around, he notices a small patch of tiny daisies growing in the grass next to him. Leaning down and gently plucking one with a long stem, he carefully loops it and ties the end of its stem below the flower. He is careful, holding the delicate flower up to his eye level as he slowly tightens the knot so as not to break it. Satisfied with the end result, he pinches it lightly between his forefinger and thumb, waiting patiently for your return.

Five minutes later, you return, two cones in your hand, one with chocolate ice cream and one with vanilla for yourself. Grinning slightly, you hand him the chocolate dessert, and his eyes light up as he thanks you happily. Taking it from you with one hand, he shyly holds up the daisy creation with the other.

“Jungkook, wha—”

He takes your now empty hand and quickly slips on the daisy ring he made. “For you.”

You cannot suppress the smile you are holding back any longer, and you grin, looking down at the pretty flower. “Thank you.”

Jungkook smiles, squeezing your hand before grabbing his backpack and yours and hurriedly walking towards the direction of your house, trying to conceal his burning cheeks. You admire the ring for a few more seconds before catching up to him, that familiar feeling of high school crushes emerging in your chest.

You do not notice the tiny heart with your initials and his newly carved into the bench.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Jungkook takes you to prom in senior year. And everything was the same, but simultaneously different. Hoseok was absolutely crushing it on the dance floor while Ann cheered him on. Jimin and Rys were quietly talking with each other at the table still, and Jin was still persuading Elle to join him in doing something he called his “traffic dance.” The rest of the boys were hovering around the cupcake bar, thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Everything is the exactly same, except… Taehyung is over there and Jungkook is next to you instead. Jungkook’s arms are around your waist, and yours are loosely clasped behind his neck as the two of you sway to the music, Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” coming through the speakers.

The nostalgia hits you when you remember standing here with Taehyung, but with Jason Mraz’s “Lucky” playing as you two giggle quietly amongst yourselves and he whispers ridiculous things, like random facts about dogs and how his favorite drink is hot chocolate with whipped cream and exactly ten miniature marshmallows and oh yeah, how he loves you very very much, way more than cute dogs and hot chocolate.

Your heart clenches in your chest, and you glance over at Taehyung, who is happily eating a cupcake and dancing around a rather disgruntled Yoongi. He makes eye contact with you and grins that familiar boxy smile, giving you a wink and your heart tightens up even more.

“Hey, babe… can I show you something?” Jungkook speaks up quietly, and you quickly look up at him, cheeks warm as you are caught staring at Taehyung.

“Yeah, of course.” You smile as naturally as you can at him, heart still erratically thudding in your chest over a boy who is not standing in front of you. He slips his hand into yours, tugging you to the side door of the school gym. You marvel at how your hand fits perfectly in his, whereas with Tae, his hand is slightly larger and overlaps yours. Looking around cautiously for any suspecting teachers, Jungkook exits the gym with you closely behind. The hallway is much quieter with only muted sounds of the music playing filtering through the air.

Your grasp on his hand tightens as you walk down the darkened halls, shadows playing tricks on your mind. Luckily, the walk is short, and Jungkook stops in front of a door, and if you remember correctly, it opens up to the photography classroom. Hand still clutched in his, you quickly hurry in as Jungkook flicks on the light switch. He guides you over to what you assume is his work station.

He hesitates slightly before pulling open the drawer below the table top and taking out an envelope. “Our semester project is supposed to be about something that makes you happy, so I just…”

Your breath hitches in your throat when he opens the envelope and arranges the pictures on the table with utmost care. All across the wooden surface, there are beautiful, candid pictures of his dog, his parents, his brother, his friends, and you. Newfound affection for the boy next to you nestles its way into your heart, and you can only stare in awe at his talent.

“Of course, this one’s my favorite.” He grows more confident after seeing your reaction. He gently picks up the photograph of you laughing freely at the lunch table, throwing your head back. You remember that day. You were feeling terrible because you were so sure you had just walked out of the classroom and failed your computer science test. Taehyung decided to sing his signature song of “You Are My Sunshine”, but this time, accompanied it with a silly dance that had you laughing so hard, you forgot all about the exam.

Taehyung… your heart wrenches at the thought of him.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

There is a thud followed by a yelp coming from outside your bedroom door, and you jolt awake. Taehyung is no longer sleeping next to you, and you have a feeling he is the source behind your unexpected wake up call. Pulling the comforter around your body, you get up from the bed, walking out to the kitchen. Taehyung looks up guiltily when he sees you, a spoon comically hanging from his mouth and his eyes round like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Breakfast?” he asks meekly, holding up a box of cereal, all the while trying to hide the evidence of spilled sugary flakes on the floor with his foot.

Holding back a laugh, you only nod, “Yes, please.”

You scoop up Soonshim before the dog can get to the fallen cereal, and Taehyung quietly sighs in relief. A small smile threatens to show on your face as you go to sit at the kitchen table. Taehyung peeks over at you. He thinks you look absolutely beautiful at four in the morning, messy bed hair framing your face with the comforter draped around you like a cape, drowsily holding your head up in one hand while petting the dog with the other.

If this is the sight that greets him each morning, then he would wake up at the crack of dawn every single day.

You notice him glancing over at you every few seconds, and you give him a playful wave. Taehyung’s smile appears bigger than ever, making the sun dull in comparison, as he laughs, the kind of laugh that sounds so breathy and his eyes twinkle in the way that even the stars would bow down to him. His hair is still fluffy, sticking up in the back slightly, and he looks so endearing that your heart might combust.

If this is the sight that greets you each morning, then you would wake up at the crack of dawn every single day.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The dream drops you right back into your college memories.

After a very stressful morning consisting of midterms in both your Business Law class and Quantum Mechanics class, you are happy to say that the rest of your day was free. People may hate having morning classes, but you consider it a blessing because one: that means there is no one to compete with when choosing your schedule; two: it forces you to actually wake up and do work because let’s face it, you would never wake up that early on your own; and three: hey, look who has the rest of their afternoon and evening free to binge watch Criminal Minds.

But those plans of crime show marathons are put to a halt when a group date was hastily decided upon through a flurry of texts during the time you decided to take a nap apparently. You were awoken quite rudely by a “Mean Girls”-esque moment when Ann barges into your shared dormitory room with a “Wake up, bitch, we’re going laser tagging!”

Groaning, you throw your bed covers over your head as Ann quickly rushes through the details of the outing. “So it’s Jin and Elle, Rys and Jimin, Jungkook and you obviously, and Hoseok and yours truly. We’re gonna compete it out this time in laser tagging. Loser pays for winner’s dinner.”

At the sound of competition and free food, you immediately get up. “Where are we going for dinner?”

“The new restaurant that opened down the street.”

“Alright, I’m in.” With a sigh, you heave yourself off your bed, lazily stripping off your sleepwear before clipping on your bra. Searching around for your black leggings, you find them bunched at the end of your bed and put them on. Pulling on a black and white striped crop top, you throw on your bomber jacket before slipping your feet into a pair of socks and your Adidas.

“Hey, just because you two won last time at bowling doesn’t mean we won’t kick your butt this time.” Ann playfully calls over her shoulder as she applies her makeup in front of the small counter in the room.

Combing through your memories quickly, you remember the bowling dream you had, and you smirk. “We won by a landslide. You all couldn’t even get higher than a hundred points.”

Ann points her mascara wand at you accusingly. “That’s because the two of you are just naturally gifted! You totally creamed everyone in our high school PE Health class, and it was your first time! It’s not fair!”

Grinning, you only shrug as you bump her hip slightly when you stand next to her. “I can’t help if I’m just talented, you know. But really, how did you manage to throw the ball into the other lane? You even had bumpers!”

“Oh my god, that was so embarrassing. The little kids next to us couldn’t stop laughing,” she moans, almost messing up her eyeliner as she cringes over the memory. “Elle was so embarrassed with Jin though. He kept throwing her hand kisses before every throw and calling her his lucky charm, but he only knocked down one pin.”

You hover in front of the mirror, swiping on some light mascara and then hurriedly brushing out your hair. “Yeah, and then Jungkook said she must be a bad luck charm and almost got a bowling ball to the face.”

Ann makes a face. “And yet, me and Hobi still lost and had to pay for your dinners. And of course, you two decided to be assholes and pick the most expensive dishes.”

“Well, I hope you’re ready to pay for tonight’s dinner, too.” You wink at her, and she narrows her eyes.

“Oh, you’re on.”

An hour later, you are ninety-nine percent sure Ann regrets everything. It is silent, and you are perched on the second landing like a sniper, peering down as a jumpy Hoseok clutches his laser gun to his chest and Ann uneasily walks less than a foot in front of him, grip on her laser gun tightening by the second. Jungkook hides behind one of the walls, motioning up to you with a grin. You sport a similar smile on your face as you anticipate what is going to happen next. Three, two, one…

An earsplitting scream leaves your lips, while Jungkook lets out an equally terrifying war cry that has Hoseok and Ann running and shrieking, almost tripping over themselves and abandoning any attempts to defend themselves. Immediately, the two of you begin shooting at the targets on their vests. The gun incessantly buzzes, signaling that you are accurately hitting the marks. Jumping down from your spot, you sprint after them with Jungkook, continuing to shoot at them. When the petrified couple reaches a dead end, they finally realize that they actually have weapons which they should probably utilize and then proceed to wildly shoot everywhere, punctuating every shot with a screech.

You and Jungkook quickly dodge out of the way, but he manages to get hit in the arm.

“I’ve been shot!” he gasps, and you turn around to see him sprawled on the floor, one hand dramatically pressed to his forehead while the other one stretches out towards you. “Run and save yourself, babe.”

While Jungkook is comparatively more enthusiastic about winning than Taehyung and completely understands the importance of competition, he is, without a doubt, much more melodramatic than Taehyung. And that is saying something, considering how your boyfriend likes to perform monologue dramas with himself while doing laundry. You never let Taehyung live it down when you caught him reenacting scenes from “Cinderella” alone.

“Oh my god, Jungkook.” Rolling your eyes, you grab his outstretched hand and haul him off the floor with a snicker. “Giving them five points isn’t going to make a dent in our score anyway. We gotta do this for the free food afterwards.”

“You’re right. Free food is important.” He adjusts his vest. “You think we should go back to Ann and Hoseok and try to get more points?”

“They’re still screaming though, and I’d prefer to come out of this with my hearing still intact. Maybe we should aim for the other couples.” You peer around the corner and confirm your assumptions when you see that they are still shooting haphazardly and mimicking a pair of banshees. It is an automatic death zone if you want to try and get past them.

“What the heck is going on over there?” Jin emerges from the other side, Elle walking close behind him as she checks over her shoulder. “Who is yelli—oh, shoot.”

His eyes widen comically at the sight of you and Jungkook, and the two of you are most likely mirror images of the Cheshire Cat right now. “Elle, run.”

“Wha—” She turns around, and a look of panic comes across her face in a split second. “Fuck.”

The couple immediately hightails it out of there with you and Jungkook hot on their heels, shooting the targets on their backs right in the bulls-eye. Chasing after them, you pass by a busy Rys and Jimin in a corner, and you slow down your speed, Jungkook almost crashing into you.

“Should we scare them, too?” You gesture towards the oblivious couple making out, and a mischievous grin makes its way onto Jungkook’s face as he nods before cupping his hands around his mouth, hollering on the top of his lungs.

“Hey! This is a kid-friendly area! Keep it PG over there!”

Frightened, Rys and Jimin break apart with a small scream and eyes wide. Bounding towards them, you and Jungkook raise your laser guns simultaneously, and they already know what is going to happen next. Jimin throws himself in front of Rys valiantly, and while the gesture is nice, it really will not matter since their joint score is going to escalate no matter who you hit. Ready, aim, fire.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The incessant beeping of the laser gun in your hands does not end even after you stop pulling the trigger.

Shaking yourself awake, you realize it is the sound of your alarm blaring repeatedly. You blindly wave your arm around before your hand finally hits the button to turn it off. Yawning, you sit up, rubbing your eyes. Taehyung enters the room from the bathroom. He already changed into his work clothes, and he came over to grab his watch from the nightstand.

“Morning, sunshine,” he greets you, smirking a little.

“Morning,” you mumble before squinting at him. “What’s with the smirk?”

“Well, I think someone was having good dreams last night.” He winks at you, and you turn red, palms beginning to sweat as the dream returns to you in full force and leaves you a nervous wreck. Did you say Jungkook’s name out loud?

“You were smiling and mumbling something about food and ‘aim at their vest!’ so I’m guessing laser tag?”

You relax, giving him a smile. “Yeah, that basically sums up my dream.”

“Mm,” he hums, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your lips. “I can’t remember the last time we went. It was probably during college. We should go do that sometime and invite everyone else.”

“Y-yeah, definitely.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Even in your dreams, you have to re-experience the horrors of waking up late for class.

You only had ten minutes before your eight am class starts. Throwing the covers off of your body and jumping out of bed immediately, you peel off the loose t-shirt you were wearing as your pajamas. Pulling on a pair of sweat pants, you twist on the bra that was hanging on your desk chair before pulling on a plain, black, long sleeve V-neck shirt. You run to the sink in the corner, splashing water on your face before squirting toothpaste onto your toothbrush and running it across your teeth quickly. Spitting out the minty foam and rinsing your mouth, you look up, catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror—or rather, a glimpse of some rather visible love bites on your space between your neck and clavicle.

When did you ever let Jungkook do something like that? You rarely let him touch you in any of your dreams.

“Fuck it,” you heave a sigh, gently brushing your fingers over the bruises as you examine them quickly in the mirror, tilting your head to the side. “I can’t be late for Linear Programming.”

Grabbing your bag that you thankfully packed last night with your notebook and student access card among other essentials, you hurriedly slide your feet into a pair of flip flops and race out of your dorm room. You have five minutes to get to class, and you run faster than the time you heard they were giving out free milk tea in the courtyard. When you reach the lecture hall, you quickly slip through the doors and sit down in the back next to Taehyung.

He looks up at you and smirks. “Nice hickies.”

“Thanks.”

Unfazed, you pull out your notebook and a pen, scribbling down the usual header for your notes: the date, chapter number, and description. No sooner had you finished, the professor begins rapidly firing facts at the class, writing down examples on the chalkboard, and you and Taehyung take down notes without another word, all focus going into copying down notes and including personal inputs to help you remember certain concepts better. Sixty-five minutes later, the professor ends the session, and you shake out your cramped hand and shove your notes into your bag with the other.

“I’ll bet on chocolate chip pancakes that Jungkook is gonna freak when he sees the hickies at breakfast,” Taehyung says, waiting for you as you finish packing up.

You snort, standing up and slinging your bag over your shoulder as you exit the room. “No way. That’s already a given.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Taehyung whines, clinging onto your arm, as he looks up at you through his eyelashes, pouting. “I’m low on meal points and I don’t want to starve at the end of the semester. You’re at least five hundred points over still!”

Sighing, you give in as the two of you make your way into the dining hall, which was luckily right next to your lecture hall. You always were weak for Kim Taehyung. “I’ll buy you breakfast if you stand in line and get me a plate of chocolate chip pancakes, too.”

Taehyung squeals, eyes lighting up as he throws his arms around you happily. “Deal! Thank you! I love you, sunshine!”

When you hear those words, it is almost as if he drove a stake into your heart. Nostalgia for the college days you spent with Taehyung hits hard. Biting your lip, you hand him your access card, and he runs ahead to get in line. You spot the rest of your friends at the usual table near the window and walk over, dropping your bag on the ground next to an unoccupied chair.

“Damn, girl, those bruises. You’re ruining it for the innocent ones.” Ann wriggles her eyebrows at you.

You roll your eyes. “I caught you and Hoseok coming out of room 308 with him wearing your lipstick and your underwear in his back pocket, so you are definitely not innocent.”

Hoseok at least has the decency to flush red, suddenly putting all his interest in the breakfast set out in front of him. Yoongi shows absolutely no reaction and resumes his talk with Namjoon about their latest music project. Jin flashes the couple in question a disapproving look, while Rys and Jimin look somewhat scandalized at this new piece of information.

“Oh, don’t look so innocent.” Ann directs her statement towards Rys and Jimin, flicking a tater tot at them. “You two are all sweet in the streets, but probably freaks in the sheets.”

Jimin almost swallows his French toast whole, spluttering, while Rys nearly hacks up a lung.

“What the fuck, Ann,” Rys gasps out, staring at Ann, who simply gives them a shrug and a devilish grin before continuing to eat her breakfast.

There is a sudden choking noise behind you, and you turn to see a mortified Jungkook.

“Why didn’t you cover that?!” He wildly gestures at your neck in horror before quickly stripping off his sweatshirt and throwing it at you. “Put this on!”

 Stifling a laugh, you merely place the sweater in your lap, and Jungkook’s eyes grow even wider much to your amusement. You smile up at him innocently, waving your fingers at him. “Hey, Jungkook.”

“Oh my god, the professors all saw! Did you run out of that cover up powder shit? Should I go buy some? Wait, what color do you even wear? There’s like seventy different shades, fuck. This is like buying pads all over again. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” he whispers to himself, and you almost start to feel bad for giving him a mental breakdown. He is squatting on the ground, head held in his hands in despair, and you reach down to tentatively pat his shoulder in efforts to soothe him.

“Just put the hoodie on before he suffers from a heart attack,” Elle pipes up, laughing slightly at Jungkook, who still looks like you put him through some sort of excruciating agony.

“Alright, fine.” You hide your smile when Jungkook finally gets up and sits in the seat next to you, the tips of his ears still red. Slipping on the sweatshirt, you are immediately enveloped in warmth, the edge of the sleeves reaching your fingertips. You pull the fabric around your body tightly, tucking your nose into the collar.

It smells like a hint of vanilla and fresh laundry.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

“Hey, Tae.”

You nudge him with your foot gently. The two of you are sitting on your respective sides of the bed, going through papers for work. Taehyung stops rifling through his papers, peering at you over his glasses, which are slightly askew. Hiding a grin, you reach over and straighten them out for him. He smiles, grasping your hand quickly before you can take it back, and then gently kisses the palm of your hand before answering.

“Yeah, sunshine?”

“Do you know anyone named, um…” You hesitate, biting your bottom lip nearly hard enough to draw blood. “Jeon Jungkook?”

Taehyung purses his lips absentmindedly, mulling over the name. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Not even high school or college?”

“No, I don’t remember anyone named that. Why?”

“Oh, no reason. I just—” You wrack your brain for any excuse because telling your boyfriend that you are dreaming of another man is not the best idea. “Uh, I saw the name somewhere, and it sounded familiar.”

“Huh. I don’t remember that name.” He scratches the back of his head. “Are you feeling okay, sunshine? You’re more quiet these days.”

“I’m fine, Tae. It’s just work stress.” You assure him, squeezing his hand lightly.

Taehyung does not look very convinced, but he drops it. “Okay, sunshine. I’m here for you if you need me.”

You smile at him, nodding before dropping your gaze to the papers in front of you. The uneasy feeling writhes around your stomach, clenching it tightly, and the guilt continues to hang around you. You shouldn’t be feeling this way, you chastise yourself, dreams are a normal thing to have… but somehow, it still feels wrong.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Stepping into your home, the small yapping of the Pomeranian meets your ears, and you crouch down, affectionately petting it before standing up and removing your shoes, tossing your purse onto the couch. After washing your hands in the kitchen, you stride over to the couch, flopping onto it before turning on the flat screen. You had returned from a spontaneous trip to McDonald’s with Ann, and you wonder if Jungkook had gone out and if you had the place to yourself.

No sooner than the first few seconds of the Law and Order: Special Victims monologue started, you hear the hurried footsteps of someone running, and Jungkook appears, nearly launching himself over the back of the couch and landing neatly on the cushions, giving you a wide grin.

“Well, I definitely can’t miss out on Stabler and Benson.”

You shake your head in disbelief at the over-extravagant way he decided to make his presence known. He nudges you with his arm. “So where’d you go? You left before I woke up.”

“McDonald’s with Ann. We decided to indulge in some Happy Meals. Check out my new toy.” You rummage around your bag before pulling out a small Iron Man figurine. “The toys are all Marvel characters.”

Jungkook stares at the toy resting in your palm for a moment. “I want one.”

“Tough luck. I’m not sharing.” He reaches out to snatch it from your hand, but you move quicker, wrapping your fingers around the plastic toy and holding it out of his reach. Jungkook pouts, sulking in his spot for a few minutes, as the two of you watch the crime show in silence. His leg jostles up and down, and you already know he is making some sort of scheming plan in his mind.

Abruptly sitting up, he announces, “I’m gonna go for a drive.”

“Okay, have fun.” You keep your eyes on the screen in front of you, but see Jungkook with your peripheral vision, making sure he is not about to do something unexpected. But he simply gets up and takes the keys from the hook by the door, and you relax. The door shuts behind him, and you settle down as you watch Stabler kick down a door. Cookie jumps up onto the couch and snuggles into your lap.

Thirty minutes later, the door slams and you look over to see a very disgruntled Jungkook who comes over and sprawls out onto the couch, facedown with a moan, kicking his feet slightly, and you are immediately reminded of a petulant child after receiving a lecture from his mother.

“What’s wrong, Jungkook?”

He merely moans, muffled because he continues to bury his face in the cushions. Finally, he stretches his hand out towards you, unfurling his fist to reveal a Thor figurine. Did he actually drive to McDonalds to get a toy? You almost choke on your laughter, but immediately stop when he looks up to give you a glare before resuming his facedown position.

You try to maintain a serious look. “I’m sorry, love.”

He turns his face, cheek resting on the cushion, as he peeks up at you, bottom lip jutting out in disappointment. “The lady refused to let me switch! She said I was holding up the drive thru line!”

“… You can have my Iron Man.” You hold out your toy tentatively, and Jungkook sits upright immediately, gawking at you for a few seconds, before his eyes curve into half-moons and a delighted laugh slips past his lips before he jumps on you, pinning you between himself and the couch as he latches onto you in a tight hug. Cookie barks, slipping out and settling down in the space next to you.

“You’re the best, babe!”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I love you.”

The sudden, casual confession makes you feel uncomfortably, a coil of nerves piling up in your stomach, twisting and turning. You smile uneasily, focusing your attention on the dog instead and petting its head gently.

“… I know.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Your arms are deep in the soap suds and lukewarm water as you pull up another dish to wash, scrubbing at the stains with a sponge. Jungkook stands next to you, carefully rinsing off any remaining soap before placing it on the rack to dry. He quietly hums, moving the plate in a circular motion under the stream of water coming from the faucet. You peek a glance over at him as he concentrates on that single piece of china.

A smirk plays on your lips before you reach over and flick a handful of soapsuds at him. It hits him on the side of his neck, and he looks over at you, wide eyed. You smile innocently at him.

“Oops. It was an accident.”

Jungkook narrows his eyes at you suspiciously as you return to washing the next bowl. Mere seconds later, you feel several bubbles smeared onto your cheek. Gaping, you turn to stare at Jungkook, and he only shrugs, turning away to hide a barely concealed laugh.

In an instant, you scoop up a hefty amount of foam into your hand and fling it at him, hitting him directly in the shoulder. Laughing, Jungkook grabs a large handful and throws it at you, and you splutter through the soap now dripping down your face. Picking up suds in both hands, you hurl it at Jungkook, and it soaks through his shirt.

“It’s cold!” Jungkook yelps, peeling the upper front of his shirt away from his chest, and you can only laugh, secretly very proud of your aim. Immediately, Jungkook grabs the remainder of the soapy remnants and shoves it down the front of your shirt. Gasping as the cold, not quite liquid nor solid substance slides down, you glare at him, and he merely gives you a cheeky grin.

“Nice bra, babe.”

Your brilliantly red undergarment now stands out against the drenched, white material, and you growl, “Oh, it’s on.”

Grabbing the sink nozzle, you spray him for a few seconds until his own shirt clings to him like a second skin before resuming your dish duty. Gasping, he gazes down at the wet fabric, a betrayed look aimed directly at you soon after. It gets quiet, a little too quiet soon after, and you cautiously glance up. Jungkook looks deep in thought, and you recognize that expression. It is the same facial expression he gets right before absolutely creaming you in Mario Kart. You carefully put down the plate before slowly backing away and taking off in a sprint around the counter.

You had taken no more than five steps when a pair of arms encircle around your waist, and the back of your shirt now meets the same demise as its front when Jungkook hugs you closely to his chest, laughing loudly as you squirm around with a small shriek. He only tightens his grip around you, placing his chin on your shoulder, his breathy laughs tickling your ear, and you give up, going limp in his arms, before your own shoulders start to shake from laughter.

“Well, technically, this is your shirt, so I guess you ruined your own clothes,” you finally say in between giggles, and Jungkook freezes. “What?”

“Sorry, not sorry.”

“Oh my god, why,” he groans, his forehead now resting on the crown of your head. “We’re a mess.”

You twist around in his arms to flick his nose lightly, and he wriggles it reflexively. “I know.”

“But I still love you.”

The knots in your stomach tighten. “I know.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

"Hey, _______, wake up."

You suddenly stir awake, sitting upright with Rochelle, one of your co-workers and your friend, looking at you worriedly. Blearily glancing around, you realize you must have fallen asleep at your desk.

"It's time to go home anyway, so you should get some rest. You're been working overtime for your new clients way too much," she pipes up, placing a hand on your shoulder comfortingly. "Do you want me to call Taehyung for you? I don't want you falling asleep behind the wheel."

"Oh, no, I'm fine, really, don't worry," you assure her. She looks a little uncertain, but bids you a good bye before taking her leave. Rubbing your eyes with the palms of your hands, you try to straighten out the jumbled thoughts running through your mind.

"What has gotten into me?" you whisper to yourself.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Tonight, Taehyung has to stay in the office later than usual. He says they are close to getting a breakthrough with the coding after weeks of pouring over every inch of it. The excited tone of his voice makes you smile as he stumbles over his words in a hurry, eager to tell you about the latest news. However, his voice grows remorseful when he apologizes over and over again for missing dinner tonight. It has been a cycle, either you coming home late or him due to the sudden number of promotions or advances. But you entirely understand, having your fair share of skipping dinner due to overtime, and reassure him.

"It's okay, Tae. We've both been really busy this past few months."

“When I get this stupid chip done, we're gonna take a long vacation we both deserve."

You smile, your fingers tightening around your phone. "You promise?"

"I promise. And don’t wait up for me, okay, sunshine? I want you to get some sleep. I know you barely slept last night. You stayed up finishing your product proposal instead.”

“How did you—? Okay… well, how long are you going to be there?”

“I’m not sure… we fixed the coding, but I think there’s a malware issue for some reason… I’m sorry… I miss you… and I love you.”

“It’s okay, Tae, I understand. I miss you, too… I love you.”

“Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Sweet dreams, sunshine.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

When you enter the penthouse, the first thing that catches your attention is the blatantly conspicuous fort made out of sheets and pillows in the middle of the living room. You are speechless, to say the least, eyes roaming over the new construction taking up much of the space, corners of sheets being tied to various kitchen chairs and barstools that had been pulled over. Faint, glowing lights are outlined beneath the cotton, and you can only guess that Jungkook took out the Christmas lights from god knows where. But speaking of Jungkook—

“You’re home!”

Jungkook’s head pops out from under a pile of blankets, and he positively beams at you. With a glimmer in his eye akin to a child’s wonder towards their first snow, his eyes sparkle, curving into half-moons, as he struggles to get out of his blanket cocoon before giving up and simply waving you over. Laughter bubbles past your lips, and you walk over there, crouching down to peer into the fort. Jungkook’s hand shoots out and wraps around your wrist, tugging you in, and you lightly tumble in, giggling slightly as the copious amounts of pillows spread on the floor break your fall.

When was the last time you and Taehyung did this? You both were so busy with work these days that the time spent together was reduced to the few minutes in bed at night before sleep crept up or the rushed morning kisses sloppily slotted in between waking up and making it on time to the bus stop two blocks over.

You gingerly settle in, leaving a few inches between yourself and Jungkook. Wrapping yourself in your own blanket, you turn to look at the man next to you, who is still wriggling in excitement. “So, any reason why you decided to make a pillow fort?”

“I was bored.” He shrugs before a small smirk escapes onto his face. “And also because I thought we can, um, discuss Harry Potter in a magical setting. Or as magical as it can get. I bought butterbeer at least.”

“Wait, what?” You stare at him. “You’ve never read Harry Potter though.”

“I spent the past month secretly reading all the books because according to my girlfriend, only true Harry Potter fans read the books.” He mocks you with a high-pitched voice, and you hit him in the shoulder with a nearby pillow.

“I can’t believe you finally read them all. Wow, amazing.”

“Okay, but actually, what I can’t believe is that they completely butchered Ginny’s character in the movies. She’s way cooler and funnier in the books, and in the movies, she has the personality of a potato,” Jungkook scoffs, reaching over and grabbing one of the stray pillows. “And they totally left out Peeves! How could they do that to my man?”

“Well, technically, he’s a poltergeist, not a man,” you speak up, and Jungkook gives you a dead look, making you snort. “Well, he is!”

“Anyway, you’re a terrible girlfriend for not making me read them earlier,” Jungkook casually says, and you throw him an expression of incredulity along with several pillows, which he somehow manages to dodge due to his blessed reflexes. The blanket is bunched up around his waist now, but he does not seem to particularly care, enjoying the cool air against his skin.

You crinkle your eyebrows, jutting your chin out in protest. “I’m a terrible girlfriend?! You’re the one who refused to read it! You’re the terrible boyfriend here! I can’t believe you’d accuse me of bein—why are you smiling?”

Jungkook has a stupid grin on his face now, and you immediately stop talking, a tiny bit confused. Being called a terrible boyfriend does not usually bring up that kind of reaction. In fact, it would lead to quite the opposite response.

“You called me your boyfriend,” he answers in a sing-song voice, poking you in the arm. “I’m your boyfriend!”

“I—what, oh my god, you complete dork.” You become a stammering mass, absolutely flustered before making a face plant into the pillow in front of you. Rolling your head to one side a few seconds later, cheek pressed against the cushion, you eye him suspiciously. “Wait, but why is that so surprising? Haven’t we been… dating for years?”

“Yeah, and your point is, babe? What are you trying to say to your boyfriend of eleven years?” He winks at you, and you debate on doing a second faceplant or throwing another pillow at his face. At this point, you may run out of pillows. Okay, maybe you should take a few breathes. Close your eyes. Inhale, count to five, exhale, count to five again.

“You okay?” Jungkook waves his hand in front of your face, but you keep your eyes closed.

“Just peachy.”

“You sure, babe? Your boyfriend is very concerned.”

“Listen, I’m this close to strangling you.”

“Ooh, kinky.”

Your eyes snap open, and, well, forget the breathing exercises, you can release your frustration by beating the man next to you several times with your pillow. However, the sound of your ringtone abruptly fills the air, and you fumble around to grab it from your back pocket. Jungkook starts to say something, but you hold up one finger in the air to silence him. Ann’s name flashes on the screen, and you tap on the ‘accept phone call’ button.

“Hello?” You put the phone to your ear, waiting for her response, but all you get are muffled noises. "Um, Ann?"

A rustling noise is heard, along with muffled voices, and you grow concerned. The worst case scenarios begin to filter through your mind, each one getting exponentially more horrifying, and you contemplate dialing 911 just in case.

Jungkook's voice crashes your train of thought, interrupting, "Hey, what's wrong? Does she need something?"

"All I'm hearing is muffled voices and rustling, oh my god, what if she's being kidnapped?" Your eyes grow round as the terrifying thought surmounts in your mind again, and for once, Jungkook looks serious, taking consideration into your concern.

"Put it on speaker."

You wordlessly tap the button, the noises much louder now, and the two of you listen intently with bated breath. Any movement on the other line has ceased considerably, and you do not know if that is a good thing or bad thing.

"Okay, so," Jungkook starts to say, but halts when the noise starts up again. But it was definitely not what either of you were expecting. The lewd sound of skin against skin, high pitched moans becoming more vocal by the second, and oh my god, did Ann just refer to Hoseok's dick as Lil' SeokSeok?

You want to just crawl into a hole and die from the embarrassment. You are completely horrified, but for a different reason than you thought you were going to be, and Jungkook is frozen, eyes impossibly wide and cheeks burning from mortification. In a flash, he grabs your phone, presses the 'end call' button, and throws it as far away as possible. It falls somewhere near the wall, and Cookie runs over, sniffing it, before padding over and curling up between the two of you.

"Fuck, I think I need to go scrub my ears. What the fuck did we just hear?" Jungkook says at last, inhaling deeply.

"... It was a butt dial."

"So, a literal booty call. The Hobi Dick is the new Moby Dick."

“What the fuck.”

After giving him a strange look—which he returns with an even stranger expression much to your amusement—you burst out laughing when it finally registers in your mind what he just said, and Jungkook looks especially proud of his word play.

"Oh my god, how can you still make terrible puns after experiencing that?"

"I blame Jin for being a bad influence."

"Poor Elle."

"Poor Elle? Poor us! We had to listen to the grossest thing ever.” He makes a face, and you can only laugh even harder, as he continues to say, “This calls for payback."

"... Well, we could order Viagra and send it to Hoseok and Ann's apartment under the name Lil' SeokSeok."

"Well, shit, I was gonna say prank call them, but that’s even better. I'm dating an actual genius. God, I love you."

“I know.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Jungkook picks you up from your workplace, sitting in the lobby and calling out to you much to your surprise. You walk over to him, and he reaches over to lace his fingers through yours casually. You are startled, but do not pull away this time.

"What are you doing here, Jungkook?" You ask curiously, following him as he tugs you forward.

"I'm taking the long way home with you." He smiles shyly before looking ahead. "I figured since it's Friday and all, we can walk through the park because the cherry blossoms are all blooming and you always liked them. They're your favorite."

"Oh.." A smile slowly crept up on your face as you squeeze his hand tightly and fall in step next to him. "That sounds really nice."

When the two of you reach the park, you stroll under the blooming branches of the trees, petals falling down like light snow. He swings your intertwined hands between your bodies, and you join in, swinging your hands at ridiculously higher and higher heights until you both stop and erupt in a fit of laughter.

"Oh, ice cream cart!"

Jungkook lets go of your hand and bounds over to the man selling ice cream. Chucking to yourself, you go to sit down at a nearby bench, waiting for him. You notice the small clump of dandelions growing nearby, and you walk over, bending down to pick two. Holding them carefully with a hand cupped around the tops so they would not blow away, you return to your seat.

Jungkook comes back, looking a little flustered, as he wordlessly hands you a vanilla ice cream cone and keeps the chocolate one for himself. Thanking him, you take the sweet dessert from his hands, enjoying the cool, sugary taste immediately. Jungkook sits there, contemplating over something.

"What's wrong?" You nudge his leg with your knee before shooting him a suspicious look. "Did you do something weird with the ice cream?"

"What? No!" He protests before taking a lick of his ice cream. "It's just... the ice cream man said we were cute together... He told me to not mess it up with you."

"Oh. Well, what did you say?"

"I said I'll try not to." He ducks his head down, cheeks turning a faint shade of red, and you stay silent, unsure of what to say. He notices the dandelions held in your hand and gestures to them. "Aren't you gonna make a wish?"

"Oh! Yeah, here, I got one for you." You offer one to him, and he plucks it from your grasp carefully. "Make a wish."

The two of you simultaneously blow the seeds off of the stem as the remnants of the flower float away, joining the cherry blossoms that continue to swirl around the two of you. You watch with joy and fascination as they dance away, fluttering around in the wind until you lose sight of them.

"So, what'd you wish for?" Jungkook speaks up.

"Well, if I tell you, it's not gonna come true." You give him a smirk.

"Oh, c'mon! What about a hint? I'll give you a hint, too."

"Okay, fine, I wished that I won't spill my ice cream on my blouse."

"I wished something about us."

"Oh."

You lied.

You wished something about you and Jungkook, too.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

"Sunshine, we made it! We did it!"

Taehyung comes bursting through the door of your apartment, and you are startled, looking up from the numerous entrepreneurship deals and program designs you have scattered all over the kitchen table. Kicking the door shut behind him, he rushes over to you and pulls you out of your seat. Twirling you around, he picks you up and lifts you off the ground as he spins and you hug onto him tightly, laughing, before he gently puts you down and kisses you on the mouth.

"I figured out the chip." His eyes sparkle as he tells you the news, nearly wriggling in excitement. "After three long years of slaving over this thing, I finally figured out the programming and fixed it up and I got so excited, I just drove home to tell you and Namjoon is probably really confused why I just left, but I had to go home and tell you first."

Your eyes widen when your mind finally registers what he said and you let out a scream, and Taehyung joins in, the two of you dancing around in some silly circle that involves a lot of tears and flailing limbs. He pulls you in for a firm hug, lifting you off your feet again as you bury your head into the crook of his neck, latching onto him just as tightly.

When the two of you collapse on the couch after expending all your energy, he wraps his arms around you tightly, nuzzling his face into your hair. You curl up into his side, leaning up to press a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"Congratulations, Tae. I'm so damn proud of you. I love you."

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Jungkook makes you swear on your last carton of Ben and Jerry's ice cream that you will not take off the blindfold and open your eyes until he tells you to. You blindly reach out, swinging your arms around hesitantly as he tells you to walk forward. Straight into a wall.

"Fuck! Jungkook, I swear to God I will kill you later," you threaten through gritted teeth as Jungkook laughs so hard to the point of coughing. You desperately want to rip off the flimsy piece of fabric covering your eyes, but ice cream is on the line and you definitely do not want to lose it.

"Okay," You feel Jungkook gently take your hands into his, and your fingers tighten their grip. "No more wall crashing. I'll guide you this time."

You shuffle forward tentatively as Jungkook tugs you in his direction. The sound of the chair scraping against the floor is heard, and then he carefully eases you down into your seat before pushing you and the chair forward. There is a rustling sound, and you can only imagine that he is taking the seat in front of you.

"Okay, you can take the blindfold off now."

Pulling it away from your eyes, you are gaping at the sight that meets you, the fabric fluttering away from your grasp, abandoned on the ground. A magnificent spread for a three Michelin star candle lit dinner is set out. Gordon Ramsey would be proud. But only if he enjoyed chicken nuggets and ketchup. And if he accepted construction paper place mats and flashlights as alternatives for candles.

"I... I don't know whether to laugh or cry." You decide to do a little bit of both.

"Hey, I put a lot of work into this," Jungkook sounds indignant and somewhat offended before a familiar smile peeks out and he is beaming at you.

You reach out towards your filled glass, bringing it to your lips and taking a sip. "... This is grape juice, isn't it."

"Of course. I serve only the classiest of wines."

"I applaud your choice, Mr. Jeon."

"Thank you. I have quite a refined palate, you know." He takes a bite of a chicken nugget delicately, and you struggle to keep a straight face.

"So Jimin's proposal went well." You recall seeing the picture Rys sent to the girls' group chat of her new engagement ring.

"Jimin had me and the rest of the guys running around for hours, making sure everything was perfect," Jungkook groans, slouching back in his chair. "I had to go to three different flower stores because 'the roses aren't the right shade of red, Kookie! Gosh, do you want me to be alone forever?!'"

You snort, listening to Jungkook's rather accurate imitation of Jimin. "If you thought that was bad, try going with him to design the perfect ring for Rys for three weeks. Or going with Hoseok to find the right promise ring. I swear, if Jin comes to me asking for help on a ring hunt, I might scream."

"Ah, so does that mean you don't want a ring?" Jungkook looks at you seriously, and your heart drops.

"Wait, oh my god, you can't be—No, please, stop, I—"

Jungkook gets out of his seat and drops down on one knee dramatically. "Babe, _______, you are the vanilla to my chocolate, apple to my pie, peanut butter to my jelly. You make my heart skip a beat, my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy..."

He pauses dramatically, and you are still in panic mode, your mind going into overdrive.

"Mom's spaghetti."

"... Jungkook, literally, what the fuck, you absolute idiot."

A weight the size of an elephant is lifted off your chest, and you start to laugh so hard that tears spring to the corners of your eyes. Jungkook grins up at you happily before pulling out a clear, plastic, egg shaped container—one that comes from a twenty five cent machine. Popping it open, he pulls out a red dinosaur ring and presents it to you with much flourish and a bow of his head.

"For you."

Unable to suppress the giggle that comes out due to the sheer absurdity of the situation, you chuckle quietly as you give your left hand to Jungkook, and he places the ring on your fourth finger in a very ostentatious way that has you laughing even more.

You admire the ring, wriggling your fingers slightly, as you get used to the feeling of a new material wrapped around your finger.

"Thank you, love," you say quietly as Jungkook slides back into his chair across from you, munching on another chicken nugget.

"You're welcome, babe."

You smile at him, and he grins back, and the two of you continue to eat your dinner. You glance down at the construction paper mat Jungkook had made underneath the plate of artfully decorated chicken nuggets. Various doodles litter the paper: pictures of you and him, pictures of Cookie, and—you hold back a laugh—a very random picture of a chicken drumstick.

"Hey, _______?"

You look up, meeting Jungkook's steady gaze. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

You break the eye contact, eyes now downcast, as you idly push around the pieces of chicken on your plate with your fork. You hesitate.

"I know."

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Taehyung and you are meeting for dinner. There is so much work to do, now that both of your careers have been taking off in the past two months, but if there is one rule the two of you have established, it is that you always have to have dinner together at least twice a week. You arrive a little early to the upscale restaurant, reciting Taehyung’s name to the hostess, and are seated at a table next to the window. With the restaurant nestled on the top floor of a building, the view looks so beautiful. It reminds me of the penthouse view, you think wryly to yourself.

Glancing down at the menu, you already know everything is going to be so expensive by only looking at the names of the dishes that you can barely pronounce. Well, this place definitely is not going to be serving chicken nuggets and grape juice, unless you consider cordon bleu escalope de poulet as the former and a two hundred dollar bottle of red wine as the latter. You hide a smile when you notice the waxed light on the table; that most definitely is a real candle, not a flashlight.

As your mind wanders off, Taehyung enters, rushing over to take the seat across from you with a grin.

“Hey, sunshine! … honey bunches? Love of my life? Light of my world? Sugar plum? Darling? Angel? Strawberry shortcake? Babe?”

“Huh?” You blink twice, still lost in thought. “Yeah, love?”

At the term of endearment, Taehyung giggles, and you look at him, confused. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” He gives you a wide smile, cheeks turning rosy, and you temporarily forget that you should probably start breathing. “It’s just that you’ve never called me that before.”

“O-oh.” You realize your slip up, and a certain boy—someone who is not sitting across from you—pops up in your mind once again. You feel so guilty, trying to push away the glimpses of another man whisked together entirely by fragments of your imagination, but he remains so vivid in your thoughts, pushing away any other remnants to the deepest crevices of your cognizance.

“I like it, sunshine. And you look very beautiful.”

Your cheeks turn rosy as you beam back at him. “And you look very handsome, Mr. Kim Taehyung.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You find it in the back of the coat closet. Jungkook's winter coat had fallen down, and you had picked it up to hang it back in its proper place when you felt something rectangular in the pocket. Pulling it out, a simple, black box rests in the palm of your hand, and you hold your breath, counting out five seconds, before you open it finally.

The intricate, silver band with the prettiest set diamond gleams back at you.

Your heart leaps up into your throat when you notice the tiny engraved inscriptions of your initials and his on the inside of the ring. You haphazardly close the box and stuff it back into the pocket before putting back the coat and shutting the door. Your breath comes out unevenly as you slightly shake in your spot, leaning against the closet door.

What scares you is not the reveal of the jewelry and its significance, but the tiny inkling of emotion that you had tried to block and pushed far, far back into the deepest parts of your mind has come out full force.

Controlling your breathing, you walk into the kitchen, pulling out ingredients to start dinner. The simple pasta with white sauce is easy to make as you have already prepared the chopping and measurements beforehand. You boil the premade pasta, and then work on the Caesar salad, making a nice bowl of it before placing aside on the counter. Before starting the pasta sauce, you quickly prepare some garlic bread, spreading the butter, garlic, and chopped herbs on the cut loaf of French bread and popping it into the oven. You pour out the pasta into a strainer next, letting it sit for a while.

Jungkook appears, stealing a crouton, as he sits at the barstool. "Hi, babe, dinner smells good."

"T-thanks. I'll be done in ten minutes." Your mind goes back to the ring in the closet, and your hands shake as you pour in the heavy cream for the sauce. Your phone buzzes, and you pull it from your back pocket to see that Taehyung has texted you. Ignoring the message and tucking the device back into your pocket, you continue to make the pasta, your mind in a complete jumble, and all you can do is focus on preparing the food in front of you.

"You know," Jungkook starts, "I always thought you'd end up with him in the beginning."

"What?" Your head whips up as you fixate on him with a glare.

He looks a little taken aback by your sudden attention, but continues on, "It's just.. you two liked each other back then, didn't you? You liked Taehyung... And I heard Taehyung confessing to Jimin that he was in love with you..."

"Why didn't you say anything about this back then?" Your voice comes out strangled, and you duck your head, trying to keep your breath steady. "If you knew we loved each other... Why didn't you tell one of us?"

He fucking knew.

In this weird, fucked up dream universe, you thought you were suffering a one-sided, unrequited love, but Taehyung loved you, too. And Jungkook knew all along. A sudden burst of emotions—bouts of anger, nostalgia, sadness, and hatred—comes, and you struggle to hold it all in.

"Why didn't you say anything?" You loudly exclaim, staring at Jungkook straight in the eyes, and he looks frightened, eyes widened.

"I—well, I—"

"You what exactly?"

Jungkook's eyes drop, and so does his voice, now barely above a whisper. "I was—and still am—in love with you, too. So I took my chance by asking you out before Taehyung did. I knew you'd be happy if I told you Taehyung was going to confess. I knew you'd say yes, and you two would be so happy together... But I wanted to be happy, too. Was that wrong of me?"

You can only hold back a sob, choking on it quietly, as you push the unfinished dinner away from you and quickly brush past Jungkook, wiping away the tears that start to fall. Calling out, Jungkook reaches toward you, wrapping his hand around your wrist, but your next words have him letting go.

"I hate you."

His hand slips away as you dash off, putting on shoes quickly and walking out the front door. He sits there, looking around at the empty place, now hushed and silent.

"I know."

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

When the sunset bleeds into the purples and blues until it completely transforms into the night sky in the darkest hour, you and Taehyung are tucked under the covers and wrapped up in each other’s arms, tangled limbs and tangled sheets alike. You are quiet, and Taehyung notices, bopping your nose affectionately.

As your nose scrunches up in reaction, Taehyung laughs. "What are you thinking about, sunshine?"

“I just... In another universe, do you think we’d fall in love with each other?” you quietly ask, letting the question settle into the silence as you trace invisible patterns on Taehyung’s chest. He lets his fingers glide up and down your arm in various swirls and lines absentmindedly, pondering over the inquiry with the most serious and concentrated expression you have ever seen him take on.

“I think we would,” he says at last, gazing at you softly. “I’d like to think that I’ll always fall in love with you regardless of any changes in time, distance, and coincidences.”

“I’d like to think so, too.” You smile up at him, and his heart skips a beat, and you can hear it thumping faster than ever out of his chest. He places a tender kiss on your forehead, and you can imagine your heart is racing just as fast as his.

"But," he speaks up, and your heart stops. "Even if we do love each other, the universe is not always kind. We may not end up with each other. And I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.

"But I will always love you, sunshine."

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You find yourself retracing your steps to the park Jungkook took you to last time. Taking deep breaths, you settle down at the same bench as before. The uncomfortable bulge from your phone in your back pocket reminds you that you had received a text message from Taehyung earlier, and you take out your phone, unlocking the screen to read it.

[6:51 pm] taetae: finally remembered to send you the vid i took at Jiminnie and Rys's wedding!!!!~ ^^

[6:51 pm] taetae: <video file attached>

"What video?" you wonder aloud before clicking on the video.

The soft strums of the guitar begin to play in the background as the beginning lyrics of Ed Sheeran's "Photograph" is heard. Your eyes widen, and the tears begin to form, tangling up with your lashes, and your vision becomes blurry when you see Jungkook pulling you onto the dance floor. He tugs you in tightly, arms wrapping around you safely, as the two of you sway back and forth. The video zooms in closer, and you want to cry when you notice that he was quietly singing the song to you.

You hate how you are not with Taehyung.

You hate how happy you look with him.

You hate how you can almost hear him singing to you.

You hate how he is making you feel.

But most of all, you hate yourself for not hating him at all.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

When you return, Jungkook is pacing around in the living room. You silently walk past him, retreating to your bedroom, and Jungkook leaves you alone, going into the guestroom. Changing out of your clothes, your heart lurches when you realize you pulled on one of Jungkook’s oversized white t-shirts. You clamber over to his empty side of the bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed and closing your eyes, you feel so incredibly conflicted, holding your head in your hands.

Taehyung embodies the sun. Shining so brightly, he exudes warmth, happiness, and joy. He showers you in love and affection, surprising you with sweet love notes that render you into a puddly mess, carefully chosen bouquets of flowers, and perfectly thoughtful presents, like a pretty necklace that brings out the color of your eyes. He takes you on perfect dates with candlelit dinners and romantic walks at the beach. He is perfect—more than you can ever want or imagine—and makes you quite possibly the happiest woman in the universe. Every day is absolute, pure happiness with Taehyung.

But Jungkook… Jungkook, on the other hand, well, if Taehyung is the sun, Jungkook is the moon. He is subtler and quieter, but is still there, shining brighter than ever if you are willing to stay up for him, casting the softest of lights upon you. He makes you smile with his ridiculous antics and silly adventures. He surprises you with your favorite tub of ice cream and tries to make you dinner, even though he hates it. He secretly reads your favorite books in his spare time just so he can talk to you about them and see that bright spark in your eye when you talk about something you are so passionate about.

But he also makes you cry. He makes you scream and yell and fight. He makes you go through the entire range of emotions and even taps into emotions you realize you never had. He makes you feel sad, angry, loved, upset, jealous, excited, scared, annoyed, surprised, and so many more feelings. And that just makes the moments of happiness and exuberance all the more special to you.

Letting out a shaky breath, you open your eyes. Immediately, they are drawn to the slightly open drawer of the nightstand. You have rarely ever seen this drawer open, being as it was Jungkook’s possessions and you have never actually seen what he put there. But now, you can faintly make out the outlines of many simple, black moleskine notebooks. With your curiosity getting the better of you, you slide the drawer fully open.

Plucking out the first notebook, you flip it open to the first page, and the wind is knocked out of your lungs. A lump is starting to form in your throat as you stare down at the intricate drawing. Rifling through all the pages, you see more and more hand crafted images.

They are all pictures of you and him.

Carefully dated, Jungkook had drawn a small doodle of you and him every single day. And on the first page you are staring down at, it was the day you two first met. He had drawn the two of you in English class, sitting next to each other in your uniforms. The boy in the drawing is looking subtly, but still adoringly, at the girl next to him, who is diligently working on her paper. A picture of him shyly asking you out appears about forty pages later along with a slew of awkward first’s being inked across the papers that come up after that.

You relive your entire relationship, pouring over every page painstakingly slowly, each book representing one year. As you turn through each page, the tears begin to well up and the pictures start to blur. Going through every book, one by one, page by page, the ache in your heart grows exponentially larger and larger.

Picking up the last book, you open up to the first page. That day in particular was when the two of you had gone to the park, having a swing contest of who can get closer to the sky. Flipping to the next page, there is a picture of you cooking dinner while he carefully cuts up the vegetables next to you. There are several pictures of you playing with Cookie and Jungkook pouting in the background. Finally, you reach the last page. Looking down at the page dated today, a hiccupping sob slips through your teeth as you stare down at the beautifully drawn image before you.

Two people. One that is undeniably you and the other that is him. Sitting in two different rooms. A wall between the two.

A tear splashes onto the page, and you hurriedly wipe it off with the edge of your—or you suppose, Jungkook’s—shirt. You sit there, gazing at the picture in your lap, as your heart twists and turns in your chest.

You love him.

You are truly, unmistakably, undeniably, deeply, hopelessly in love with Jeon Jungkook.

Carefully putting back all the notebooks and closing the drawer, you slide off from the bed, your heart now ready to burst out from your chest for a new reason. Tiptoeing out of the room and down the hallway, you stop in front of the guestroom, slightly hesitating as your hand hovers over the doorknob. Taking several deep breaths, you twist the doorknob and enter the room, closing the door behind you with a soft click. Moonlight streams in through the window, illuminating the room with a soft glow and leading you easily to the bed. Sprawled out, Jungkook sleeps peacefully, hair mussed and dark eyelashes resting on his cheeks as even breaths come out between his lips.

You silently slip under the covers, reaching him within seconds. You rest your head on his chest, hugging him tightly and brushing away the last of your tears. Jungkook stirs in his sleep, and his arms wrap around you subconsciously. Suddenly aware of you next to him, he drowsily opens his eyes.

“_______? What—what are you doing?” he asks sleepily. Upon a closer look at your face, he becomes more alert, a more prominent panicked note in his voice. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, “I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, don’t cry.” Jungkook gently brushes away the tears that begin to form in the corners of your eyes. “Why are you saying sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“Yes, there is. A-all I’ve ever done is push you away and—and hurt you and you do nothing wrong. All you do is love me and all I do is hurt you. And you just took it all in. And, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Jungkook.” You harshly brush away at your tears, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“And god, I never realized how much I miss you until you aren’t with me, and everything comes crashing down, and I’m so scared, so terrified that I’m going to lose you. I messed up badly so many times, yet you’re still here. I got so used to you being there, but what if one day, you leave, and oh god, please don’t leave me. I don’t know what to do, how to even breathe without you. I realized that it’s you.

“I want your face to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. I want to share corny jokes with you and be that couple that we always complain about. I want to drink grape juice and eat chicken nuggets that you made even if I might get salmonella but I know you’ll drive me to the hospital. I want to make a competition out of everything with you, even if it’s just who can fold laundry the fastest. It’s you who I want to grow old with and live the rest of my life with, and if I have to listen to you talk about your Overwatch characters for hours when we’re eighty, then so be it. I don’t care as long as I’m with you.”

Laughing quietly at your last remark, he hugs you closely to his chest, pressing a kiss to your forehead tenderly. The two of you lay there quietly for a few moments before he breaks the silence. “You know, they’ll probably have a newer game when we’re eighty. Are you up for learning new characters then?”

You choke on your laugh, burying your face into his chest as your grip on him tightens. You can hear his heart thumping away faster than ever, and you know that your heartbeat matches his as well.

With your heart doing flip flops and cart wheels and a whole colony of butterflies plus an entire zoo in your stomach, you tilt your head upwards to see him as he gazes down at you adoringly in the very same way he did when he first saw you. You brush your fingers against his face lightly, skimming over the small scar on his cheek. The corners of your lips upturn as you give him the prettiest smile he has ever seen and cause his heart to skip a beat or maybe two.

With only millimeters measuring the space between his lips and yours, you close the gap as your eyes flutter shut. His naturally pink lips are softer than you ever imagined, pressing gently against yours. With your body intertwined with his, you can feel the thumping of his heart through his chest. Pulling away, you smile giddily as his eyes gaze at you with so much affection and his lips quirk into an identical smile.

“I love you, Jungkook.”

“I know.”

He gives you a mischievous glance, poking your side, and you laugh, skimming your fingers over his chest and tracing out the invisible letters of your confession.

“You know.”

“I know,” he repeats softly, reaching out to interlock your fingers with his. Your eyes meet his steady gaze as he smiles tenderly at you, and the realization hits you like a ton of concrete blocks when you finally discern the hidden meaning. All this time, he knew.

Flowers bloom in your chest as your heart sings and dances at this newfound understanding. Rendering you emotional, the tiniest of tears begin to well up in the corners of your eyes once more, and your cheeks begin to hurt from smiling so widely. Beaming back at you, Jungkook opens his mouth to say one more thing, but you hear nothing. There is absolute silence. Confused, you tilt your head, trying to tell him you do not understand but no words come out.

Suddenly, his expression changes into one of alarm and panic, and he is saying words to you that you still cannot catch. You signal him to slow down, and he repeats the same phrase over and over again but you cannot comprehend it. The edges of your surroundings begin to vanish, disintegrating into translucence. It creeps up closer and closer to you. You desperately reach out to him, tightening your embrace around him, but he seems to slip away with every heartbeat. An unusual, yet warm and pleasant, sensation takes over as your eyelids grow heavy.  You blink once, twice, and then, everything is gone.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Opening your eyes, you rub at them gently before staring up at the ceiling. There is an edgy feeling that you are forgetting something, but your mind merely draws a blank. Glancing over at Taehyung peacefully sleeping, you turn on your side to face him, curling up in his embrace before falling asleep again.

You dream of attending Hogwarts and playing in a quidditch match, going up against your Hufflepuff boyfriend. Taehyung continues to pout when you score against his team, but happily gives you a victory kiss in the end when your team wins, telling you that if only a certain cute Slytherin chaser did not keep distracting him, then Hufflepuff would have won.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The nagging feeling continues to pester you in the back of your head as you go through your day. You ignore it as you work, your clientele list stretching farther as your boss praises your work. You try to concentrate on sketching out your designs, but for some reason, you keep getting distracted. Countless doodles of an unfamiliar man with a boyish look and a bunny smile litter the edges of your paper. Groaning, you crumple up the piece of paper, throwing it into the waste bin under your desk where it joins several other squashed papers with similar drawings of that same man.

When you pass by the street stand selling lamb skewers on your lunch break, you pause, debating whether you should buy some or not. You never really had a craving for them before, but something draws you over to the stand where you purchase two sticks of nicely barbecued meat. Walking to the nearby park, you sit down on a bench, the light blue paint peeling off at the edges with a small tuft of wild daisies growing next to it. With one lamb skewer in each hand, you alternate, biting off a piece from each stick. Once you finish eating, you stand up and start to walk back to your workplace, failing to notice the tiny heart shaped carving with a pair of initials engraved into the wood where you sat only moments ago.

The heart begins to fade away, the wood becoming smooth and unblemished once more.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Fast forward seven days, and you decide to walk home instead of taking the metro this time after glancing overhead and seeing how the day is blessed with good weather. The sun gleams from its position in the azure sky, leaving soft kisses against your skin, as the light breeze whispers and twirls around you. You amble along the sidewalk, admiring the pretty cherry blossom trees that line the street. Several petals fall as the wind weaves through them, and they dance around you. You reach out as one falls perfectly into the palm of your hand. Smiling, you continue your walk home. At one point, you decide to take a break, your kitten heels decidedly not being the best pair of shoes to wear while taking a stroll.

The street is fairly busy, and you move to the side, stepping out of passerby’s way. Upon closer look at the building you are standing in front it, it looks vaguely familiar. The sleek, luxurious apartment building looms over you as you peer up at it. Furrowing your eyebrows slightly, you start counting the number of floors it has, ending up with nineteen. Huh, that is a strange number to end at, you muse.

Something tugs at your memory, and you find yourself pushing the one of the double glass doors and entering the building. A young man quickly brushes past you as he exits through the other door, murmuring a quick apology. He gives you a small smile, bunny teeth flashing for a millisecond and you are dazed, gaze transfixed on his retreating figure. A faint scent of vanilla and freshly done laundry lingers after he leaves, and for some unknown reason, it yanks at your heartstrings, stopping you in your tracks momentarily. Shaking your head lightly, you continue walking inside, the door closing behind you.

The cool, refreshing air inside contrasts with the warmth outside, and you cannot shake off the feeling that you have been in here before. The dark blue carpet masks the tapping sound of your heels as you make your way towards the front desk. A beautiful purple orchid potted plant stands in the corner of the desk, and you admire it briefly.

“How may I help you?” The woman behind the desk smiles pleasantly, and you return the friendly smile.

“I was just wondering if someone lives in the top floor penthouse?”

“Going apartment hunting, sweetie? I’m sorry, but the eighteenth floor penthouse isn’t on the market right now.” She looks apologetic. “We do have several large apartments available on the sixteenth and seventh floor though.”

“Ah, I meant the nineteenth floor penthouse, not eighteenth.”

She gives you a funny look. “We don’t have a nineteenth floor.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“Yes, we don’t have one.” She looks concerned, seeing the expression of absolute bewilderment painted across your face. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

“Wha—? Oh yes, I’m fine. Thank you for your time, and I’m sorry for my confusion.” You give her a tight smile, and she waves you good bye when you leave the building, more perplexed than ever.

Standing outside in the same spot you occupied previously, you look up at the building again.

Huh. There are only eighteen floors. You must have miscounted earlier.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Two weeks later, you walk past the building once more. This time, you are meeting up with your girlfriends for a drink and to catch up at the one of your favorite coffee shops. Glancing up again at the building, you could have sworn you counted nineteen floors the first time. Quietly sighing, you continue your trek to the café, lost in your thoughts.

The brass bell jingles overhead when you open the door, entering the warm atmosphere inside. With brick-like walls and bookshelves lining them along with bare lightbulbs hanging above in an aesthetic pattern, the waft of freshly brushed coffee brushes against your nose, and you inhale it in deeply, enjoying the homely scent. After ordering your favorite drink, you stride over to the minimalist wooden table in the corner where you spot your friends sitting.

“Hey, _______!” Ann greets you amicably as Rys and Elle wave. You greet them back, sliding into the last vacant seat.

“So what have you been talking about?” You cross your legs, leaning back into the chair comfortably. All three girls exchange looks of barely contained excitement—Rys, especially—and she bursts out, “Jimin proposed!”

Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise and your mouth is agape at her announcement. “Oh my god, congrats! Wow, I just—Rys, wow.”

“Oh, you don’t have to pretend,” Rys laughs, giving you a wink as she shows you the new chocolate gold band around her ring finger. “Jimin confessed that you helped him with picking and designing the ring.”

“O-oh, right.” You get a shaky feeling of déjà vu when you take a closer look at the ring, almost as if you have seen it before. You remember going with Jimin to the jewelers and explaining the details of the ring, but you never actually saw the final product until now. So how did you already have a perfect image of the ring on your mind that was a perfect replica to the ring shining prettily on Rys’s hand?

“Are you feeling okay, _______?” Elle pipes up, staring at you with a worried look etched on your face. “You’ve been really quiet for the past few weeks.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just—” You are distracted momentarily, finding a folded piece of paper in the pocket of your bomber jacket. “Did I ever talk to you guys about someone…”

“Someone? Who?” prompts Ann, propping her head on her hand. Rys and Elle look at you expectantly, waiting for you to continue your sentence.

“Just… anyone strange? I don’t know, someone new?”

Elle furrows her eyebrows, “No, aside from talking about Taehyung, you never mention anyone new. Is something going on?”

But you stay silent, staring down at the paper you unfolded in your lap. It was one of your old, discarded papers for product designs dated five months ago. But what had you mesmerized was the miniature sketches doodled along the edges of some man you do not recognize. It was the same man you have been drawing now.

“Hey, who’s that?” asks Rys, glancing down at the paper. Ann and Elle look over, their interests piqued.

“Oh, he looks cute,” comments Ann before pausing, scrutinizing the drawing more closely. “But yeah, who is he?”

You stare at the picture, unmistakably drawn by yourself. You try to think back, but your mind somehow wanders to that stranger you passed in the building. Shaking your head slightly as if to clear your thoughts, you bite your lip, fingers tracing the image.

“I have no idea.”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Stepping onto the train, you weave through the crowded space, making it to the other side. Holding onto one of the poles and jostling slightly, you stand next to the closed sliding door, Taehyung’s arm slipping protectively around your waist as he stands behind you.

The train adjacent to the one you are currently in—the one about to move in the opposite direction—has temporarily stopped for new passengers as well. Absentmindedly looking out the door’s windows, you are entirely disconcerted when your gaze is shockingly met with a rather familiar pair of eyes: kind, dark brown, large, doe-like ones.

With only two sheets of thin glass separating the two of you, you could have sworn you knew the young man from somewhere before, and an inexplicable ache finds solace in your heart. He is so achingly familiar to you, but you cannot recall when or where you managed to memorize someone who is so unforgettable, yet simultaneously someone you have never met.

His lips curve into the slightest of smiles at the corners, the minutest hint of his bunny-like teeth making an appearance, and your eyes are frantically scanning him for any clue, any indication, any allusion as to why you feel this way—why you feel so intertwined with a complete stranger. His eyes tinged with the barest traces of melancholy and nostalgia bore into yours, teeming with golden specks of untold stories that seem to thread the loose ends between you and him, and all the oxygen appears to have escaped from your lungs.

Your eyes widen in recognition, and Jungkook gives you one last smile—a full blown one that leaves you even more breathless as his nose scrunches up and his eyes form the prettiest pair of crescents that puts the moon to shame—before mouthing one small phrase consisting of eleven letters, three spaces, and infinite meaning: his final response to your first and last confession.

I love you, too.

The automated voice of the standard metro warning jolts you awake from your reverie, and you turn away to face Taehyung, the moment now broken, as the train starts to move.

“Are you okay, sunshine?” Taehyung whispers to you, worried about your unusually quiet state. His hand stretches out to overlap the one you have wrapped around the metal railing.

“Yes, I’m fine.” You pause momentarily. You peer over your shoulder for one last glance, but the familiar figure has disappeared, now a train or maybe worlds away. Reaching into your jacket’s pocket, your fingers curl around a small trinket—a child’s costume jewelry, really, something you can easily get from any twenty-five cent machine—a red, plastic, dinosaur ring.

Smiling fondly to yourself, you turn to place a tender kiss on Taehyung’s cheek, and he looks adoringly at you, the stars in the night sky seemingly captured in his eyes and shining only for you. Wrapping your arms around him gently, you rest your head on his shoulder, still smiling softly.

“Everything’s perfect.”

Perhaps, maybe someday, in someplace only we know, in between the looming alternate universes laced with iridescent ribbons of fairy tales and star dust, transcending the mystical forces of time and happenstance, we will meet again.

We will be ready for each other.

And we will fall in love once more.

[sp4c3-0ddity]

Ink on a Page, 3

an Inkheart AU (sort of)

Category:  Gen Word count:  ~5200 Chapters:  3/?

Summary:

Pidge has lived a normal - if unstable - life with her mother for the last fourteen of her sixteen years, but even the fantastical books she reads never could’ve prepared her for the wild twist it takes when an ‘old friend’ of her mother’s appears unannounced at their door.

Chapter Two Summary:

First days are hard

Read Chapter Three on Ao3

Or read from the beginning

Or below the cut:

Chapter Three

On Tuesday morning, Pidge sat beside her mother outside the principal’s office at her new school, legs swinging impatiently while they waited for their appointment to enroll her.

It was a dingy public school in Virginia, not quite what she’d expected from D.C., between the damp moldy smell and the peeling lilac paint on the walls. In fact, Pidge couldn’t even tell what the school’s colors were, much less its mascot.

Finally, the office door shot open, bouncing against the wall with a slam, and a black-haired boy in a red leather jacket stormed out, posture stiff and a scowl on his face. He scanned the room, as if looking for something, but when he found it – or didn’t – his face smoothed. He hefted a black backpack and left, ignoring the receptionist’s call of “Keith!”

Pidge covered her mouth to muffle an involuntary giggle, but when Colleen shot a stern glance at her, she tried to relax her face into something more neutral and less amused. “Someone’s having a bad day,” she couldn’t resist quipping.

Colleen rolled her eyes but smiled grudgingly.

Another minute later, the principal – a Mr. Iverson – emerged from his office and approached them. “Mrs. Holt?” he asked, holding his hand out to Colleen.

She glanced at it and stood, and they shook hands. Pidge then followed them into the office, and Mr. Iverson closed the door behind them while they took seats in front of the desk.

“I’m sorry about the wait,” he said, settling behind his desk. “We had an unprecedented disciplinary issue.” His face flushed red, but he otherwise looked unaffected by this ‘issue’.

Pidge didn’t respond, despite her curiosity, but Colleen replied, “It’s nothing, Mr. Iverson. I’m just happy we can enroll Katie so quickly.”

“Of course,” Iverson said.

While he and her mother discussed forms and emergency contacts and vaccines, Pidge played with her watch. Her hands itched for something to do, to at least hold a book in her hands while she waited, but Colleen refused to get her a cell phone – something about not being able to afford one, which Pidge thought a silly excuse since everyone owned one in these ‘modern times’.

She wouldn’t even buy Pidge a prepaid phone like she had for herself; then again, there was no one Pidge would call or message if she did have a cell, and she at least had an email address.

Pidge slouched in her seat, feet tapping an impatient beat. There was just so much she could do during this time, like research universities, or read, or figure out what the hell Voltron was…

“…she has to do is see the registrar to set up her course schedule, and then she can start her day.”

“That’s great to hear, Mr. Iverson,” Colleen said brightly. She stood up, tapping Pidge’s shoulder to get her to follow.

Iverson showed them out of his office and to the registrar’s, leaving them again after telling them to ‘have a good day’. Pidge rolled her eyes and asked her mother, “Mom, how long did you tell him we’d be here?”

“Don’t be that way, Pidge,” Colleen said. “Just act like you always do, as if we’ll live here for the rest of your life.”

Pidge scowled. “I’ve never acted like that.”

Colleen sighed but didn’t retort; she was quick to hand Pidge off to the registrar though, claiming she had to go into work. She kissed Pidge’s cheek and said, “Have a good day, and I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Yeah.” Pidge forced herself to smile for her mother, but it dropped the moment she was faced with the registrar, a middle-aged lady with graying brown hair and thick-framed black glasses. She looked over her transcript unsmilingly, and after a few minutes of silence – apart from the steady dripping of a water cooler in the hallway – a printer whirred to life and regurgitated Pidge’s schedule.

The registrar handed it to her. “Make sure everything is agreeable.”

Pidge scanned the paper, raising an eyebrow when she noticed she’d been enrolled in AP literature rather than AP language, like she’d been taking at her last school. But she said, “Looks good.”

“Then go to class,” said the registrar, attention leaving Pidge and returning to her computer.

“Thanks,” Pidge said. She picked her backpack up and left the office, and when the receptionist verified it was already second period, she meandered towards her history classroom, past plain and decorated lockers – her homeroom teacher would probably assign her one the following morning – and bathrooms and water fountains.

All public high schools were much the same, Pidge decided, and she should know since this was her fifth in less than three years.

As luck would have it, only her third period teacher – for her piano elective – had her stand in front of the class and introduce herself, at least by lunchtime. But rather than following her classmates to the cafeteria after class, she detoured to the library to check out her course textbooks.

“Good morning,” the librarian greeted her.

“Hi,” Pidge said. “I need my books for class.” She passed the librarian her schedule.

She read through it and said, “All right, wait here.” She left, leaving Pidge alone at the circulation desk.

The library, at least, was bigger than she’d dared to hope after seeing the state of the rest of the school, and she glanced around with interest. A worthwhile place to spend her lunches, even after today, and she grinned when she spotted a broad boy that looked like he was in her grade reading at a table.

The librarian returned with a stack of books under her arms, and she checked them out for Pidge one by one, including a copy of Frankenstein. Then, she pushed them towards her, along with Pidge’s temporary library card, and Pidge hefted them and moved off to an unoccupied table.

She flipped through Frankenstein, wondering at what part her AP lit class was, before setting it aside with the other textbooks and pulling The Monster in Miami from her backpack to read instead, hoping to at least reach the protagonist’s little brother’s funeral before the end of lunch period.

But someone else had other plans.

“Hey,” said an unfamiliar voice, and Pidge glanced up at the boy she’d spotted reading. He pointed at her book and said, “How do you like it so far?”

Pidge looked down at her book’s cover and said, “I like it enough to reread it.”

The boy chuckled. “It is pretty fun.” He showed her his book, and Pidge’s eyes widened when she recognized a well-loved paperback copy of the sequel. “You read this one yet?”

“Not yet,” Pidge admitted. “I just got a copy of it, but I wanted to reread this one first.”

To her surprise, the boy pulled back the chair across from her and joined her. “Hopefully you won’t be disappointed.”

“Are you?”

“Not yet, actually!” he said brightly, flipping rapidly through the book. “I’m on page fifty and no one’s died an awful, unnecessary death.”

“Yet,” Pidge said, flashing him a smile.

“Right,” he said. He set the book aside and offered his hand. “I’m Hunk.”

“Pidge,” she said, shaking his much larger hand.

“Are you new here?” the boy – Hunk – wondered.

“It’s my first day,” she told him.

“Oh, what grade are you in?” Hunk asked. “Ninth?”

Pidge wrinkled her nose, unsurprised he thought so. “Eleventh,” she said.

“Oh,” Hunk said, smiling at her apologetically. “I am too. Maybe we have some classes together?”

Pidge understood the implication and reached into her backpack to tug out her slightly wrinkled schedule. She passed it to him, and he smoothed the paper out and examined it.

“Hey, we have physics together fourth period,” he said cheerfully. Then he raised an eyebrow. “You have AP lit even though you’re not in twelfth grade?”

Pidge shrugged and said, “The registrar probably made a mistake, but I doubt I’ll be here long enough for it to make much difference.”

Hunk looked at her curiously. “You move around a lot?” When Pidge nodded, he laughed and said, “I’ve lived here my entire life. I don’t envy you though, since I like it here.”

Pidge smiled wryly. “Really?”

“Well, yeah! Don’t you?”

“I—”

The bell ringing the end of lunch interrupted her, and Pidge took her schedule back and stuffed it into her backpack. She collected her books and said to Hunk, “Guess I’m off to class.”

“Wait, we have the same next class,” Hunk said. “We can walk together.”

Pidge frowned, but reluctantly agreed; at least she wouldn’t get lost on the way.

Physics passed without incident, and without the teacher asking her to introduce herself to the class; all she did was assign Pidge an empty desk and tell her she was exempt from an exam the next day.

AP lit, however, proved to be a trial.

Not only did her teacher – what was a man with a doctorate doing teaching at a public high school anyway? – force her to stand at the front of the class to introduce herself, but he also quizzed her about the entire plot of Frankenstein…despite the latest assigned reading being up to only the third chapter.

Dr. Yurak sat behind his desk, looking quite comfortable there while Pidge sweated under the scrutiny of her classmates, all of whom were older than her thanks to her neglecting to tell the registrar that she didn’t belong in this class. “So how does the monster plan to die?” he asked.

Pidge suppressed a relieved smile; she’d read the book two summers ago for fun. “Setting himself on fire, after Victor dies.”

Dr. Yurak’s smirk faltered. “And does he succeed?”

Pidge rolled her eyes and said, “Who knows? He disappears on a raft, and Whalton never sees him again.”

He leaned towards her, tapping a fingernail against the surface of his desk, the clicking grating to Pidge’s ears. “And what do you think the theme of the book is?”

Pidge shrugged, but she said, “Isn’t it obvious? Victor developed a hypothesis and performed an experiment based on that, without considering the ethics of it.” She clasped her hands together, growing more comfortable in the surety of her explanation the longer she spoke. “He reanimated a bunch of stitched together body parts – that he went grave robbing for – and for all intents and purposes created life. And then he absolved himself of any responsibility for his experiment, completely disregarding its will, and was forced to pay the consequences of his own misguided attempt to create life.” She glanced sideways at Dr. Yurak and added, “So he played God, and his folly was pretending like he didn’t until the outcome stared him in the face.”

“And the theme…?” Dr. Yurak prompted.

“If you must conduct a scientific experiment, make sure you’re willing to see it through to the end; even without considering if the experiment itself is ethical, the scientist is responsible for observing and mitigating the consequences. I mean, even the inventor of the semi-automatic rifle regretted its role in American gun culture, so you can argue that he’s partially to blame for the frequency and ease of modern gun violence, even if tragedies like school shootings were never his intention.”

Pidge smiled, pleased with her answer, though her classmates only stared at her in silence. Her smile faded, and she said, “Uh, spoiler alert?”

“Sit down,” Dr. Yurak commanded briskly.

Pidge did, unsure why he dismissed her so quickly – and why he’d sought to quiz her in the first place. He stood up to start teaching, but before he spoke a word, a boy with blond hair glanced her way and met her eyes.

“Nerd,” he said, just audibly enough for everyone – including the teacher – to hear.

Pidge heard the insult in his tone, and when Dr. Yurak paid the boy no mind – when he began teaching – her heart sunk into her stomach, a lump forming in her throat. It was silly, feeling like this, rejected after a teacher humiliated her in front of her new classmates on her first day at this school, and yet…

Pidge made sure her tears stayed unshed.

[i-just-like-commenting]

Yes, the books were adaptable, part 5: additions and revisions

My latest bit of shameless self-promotion made me reread my imagined version of a more book-faithful Game of Thrones series, and I found I had a few things missing.

Season 3 (original here)

Shae, being more attached to Sansa in the show, will want to tell Sansa about the looming wedding, even if Tyrion is forbidden to do so. Tyrion will thus have to talk her out of it, bringing up Tysha again and telling Shae that with what was done to his first sex worker-turned-wife, he’s afraid of what will happen to her, and she must never defy his family. This will also give an extra bit of motivation to Shae turning on Tyrion, as he has impressed on her the danger of not obeying Tywin Lannister.

Season 4 (original here)

Since we’re short on plot anyway, we can reintroduce a little of Nymeria to better set up Arya skinchanging into cats. She and the Hound can hear wolves one evening as they camp out, and Arya can bring up what happened to her direwolf from seasons 1 (with a reminder that the Hound slew Micah), and the Hound can make a joke about her whistling to call her wolf back. After he dozes off, Arya will go to the edge of the camp, and whisper Nymeria’s name, closing her eyes and trying to call to her. On the horizon, she’ll see two wolves appear, but they’re just normal wolves, and she’ll feel disappointed...until the silhouette of a much large creature arrives. Nymeria and Arya’s eyes meet, and for a moment you think they’ll reunite, but then the Frey-backed swellswords show up, and the moment is broken. It establishes in the audience’s mind that perhaps Arya has latent powers just like Jon does.

Also, Satin: he can arrive with Janos Slynt, but another possibility is to have him be from Moletown, or rather from the brothel in Moletown. This might remove his literacy as a skill set, but it could introduce him earlier and let him participate in the siege to prove himself to the Watch members who are there, with latecomers like Slynt and Selyse being the more homophobic ones. The show wants to depict the universe’s homophobia, and that’s fine, but use it where it actually shows up rather than derailing Loras’ arc.

Season 5 (original here)

*facepalm* I forgot to include Jon executing Janos Slynt! That will happen in either the first or the second episode -- and I think Stannis leaving might be better done at the end of the second episode or even the beginning of the third, it would improve the season’s pacing.

I think it would also be good to resolve the dangling Davos-searching-for-Rickon arc too, at least partly. He can arrive at Karhold, realize they’re Bolton allies, then have to flee, maybe pursued by warriors...who are slain by Osha, who is revealed to have been hiding out in the woods with Rickon after she discovered the Karstarks are basically the one house to have sold out to the Boltons. It’ll be a cliffhanger - I do think Davos is going to find Rickon and Osha on Skagos in the books, the question will be can he convince them to return to Winterfell before the Wall falls, in time to shore of Stannis’ claim. The resolution to that question would wait until seasons 6.

[happy2bmyownboss]

*This post does contain some affiliate links which help to support our blog and our family.

Ohhhh! I am so excited to be sharing this post with you. The kids are pretty excited about it too! My fingers are going faster than my brain as I am typing and somehow or another they are managing to put into words what I want to say. I did show a sneak peak of some of the items we’ve received in this post here but now I am going to show you everything we have right now.

If you haven’t seen my latest posts about homeschooling check out the links here but if you are only interested in what we have planned for this year, please keep scrolling.

I’ve been talking about how excited I am for our next homeschool year and I just can’t wait to get started. I have actually talked about this curriculum before but its been awhile. My kids are finally at the age that I think this will work out really well for everyone.

I want to make it known that I am still a huge fan of Easy Peasy All-In-One-Homeschool and Discovery K12.com but right now this will be our main curriculum as I really wanted to get away from so much screen time. I’m just so excited although I know that this will mean more hands on time for me but I’ve loved this idea since I first came across it in 2016. At the time the kids were a bit young and I decided to wait but when they happened to see a couple of shows on TV and showed a lot of interest I decided the time was right.

Also this decision was made well in advance of the recent publicity that this series has had.  I purchased the main book back in 2016 before I had an inkling of what was going on right now.

Are you ready? Drum Roll please…..

This is the majority of it and I’ll break it all down piece by piece below:

I know this isn’t for everyone and it’s not the newest or most exciting thing this year but it is going to be so much FUN! We will be using the Prairie Primer… I plan to do a lot of the activities but as you know sometimes I venture off course and I may end up using this more as a guide. I have include affiliate links to the products we’ve purchased. Purchases made from these links cost nothing extra and help to support our blog.

I did buy this book here so I can read it aloud to the kids before we get started. I think this will benefit the older kids more so they can get a better understanding of who Laura Ingalls Wilder was. The kids are really enjoying the book so far. I read a little bit to them at lunch time and/or before bedtime.

I’ve ordered several items to go along with it as I really want to get back to some old school methods of learning and simpler ways of living. What better way than with The Little House on the Prairie books, which we already had on the book shelf? This DVD set is on my wish list as I really think the kids will enjoy watching them.

I’ve purchased these math books here:

I already had and used these readers and spelling books:

And these books for handwriting:

There are these for Home Ec and we have several other projects planned:

I think the girls will love the paper dolls and everyone will enjoy the coloring pages and the fun new to us recipes that we will find.

Then these for Science:

Nature Adventures! A Guidebook of Nature Facts, Songs, and Hikes in San Diego County

Kid’s Herb Book, A: For Children of All Ages

Animal Tracks: North American Animals A to Z

Animal Tracking: A Waterproof Folding Guide to Animal Tracking & Behavior 

ABCs Naturally: A Child’s Guide to the Alphabet Through Nature

Peterson First Guide to Trees

And Social Studies:

Sugaring Time

Laura Ingalls Wilder Country: The People and Places in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Life and Books

Laura Ingalls Wilder: A Biography

The Little House Guidebook 

Louis Pasteur: Founder of Modern Medicine

The little guys won’t let me forget Arts & Crafts:

Pioneer Crafts for Kids: 40 Craft Projects for Children

The Laura Ingalls Wilder Songbook: Favorite Songs from the Little House Books Paperback 

Drawing With Children: A Creative Method for Adult Beginners, Too

Here is a couple of other items we’ve purchased to go along with it as well:

These came from Lakeshore Learning which is one of my favorite places to shop for educational and special needs materials.

And then some of these for extra studies:

Circle Time Activities

Social and Emotional Learning in Middle School: Essential Lessons for Student Success

All Thru the School Year: 540 Reward Stickers

If You’re Trying to Teach Kids How to Write . . . You’ve Gotta Have This Book!

And these:

Merriam-Webster’s First Dictionary

Merriam-Webster’s Rhyming Dictionary

Uncommon Courtesy for Kids – A Training Manual for Everyone

I’ve also been rereading these for a few tips and encouragement before we get this next school year started:

The Organized Homeschool Life: A Week-By-Week Guide to Homeschool Sanity

Simple Organization for Homeschools: Tips for Getting and Staying Organized While Homeschooling

The Joyful Home Schooler

Academic Homeschooling: How to Give Your Child an Amazing Education at Home by Tracy Chatters

These are most of the books I ordered specifically to go with our Prairie Primer studies. There are a couple of others on my ‘Wish List’ that I am working on getting.

All work and no play would definitely make for some boring days. We’ve added a couple of new games to our collection to help build different skills through play:

Lakeshore Allowance Game

Little Treasures Monkeying Around

Hasbro Trouble Game

Building Bugs

Little Treasures Balancing Pile Up Game, Add Toppings on the Pizza But Don’t Let Them Fall of the Pizza Man’s Pie

Games can be so beneficial for learning different skills like time management, fine motor skills, math, reading, listening, sportsmanship, socializing, and so many more. I do have a couple more on the way soon!

We also have a slew of other materials and activities that we will be rotating through the year:

Tons of books! Not too mention the ones we now have access to with our new library cards! I’ve also been leaving a couple of items like this owl clock and abacus out for the kids to play with. Our newest counting abacus was keeping Jacob entertained when I took this picture.

The bottom shelves hold a lot of information and resources for other studies that we will be using from time to time throughout the year.

This book shelf holds our ‘Daily Readings’… I’m not exactly sure what I want to call it yet but these are books that are divided up according to seasons, holidays, and other events. I have them in order from January to December and there is a wide variety of topics included as you may be able to see.

I plan on making some sort of dividers and I had some of our seasonal activities here too but the shelf got too full. Now I have the activities in this purple/gray container here:

It is a bit full already so I probably need to weed through these and/or find a new storage solution for them. I plan on using the beige container to hold upcoming worksheets and such for easy access. I’m thinking that instead of buying a planner for me I am going to enter all of the lessons and ideas into Homeschool Manager and then print off the weekly schedule to keep in my planning binder. Then I can just check off the lessons as we complete them.

I still need to grab a few binders for the kids so we can keep up with all of these fun lessons. I’m really gonna try to do better with their portfolios this year and add stuff to them on a more regular basis.

We have most of the supplies in that we’ve ordered and I’m sure that the UPS and Fed Ex guys will be so thankful for that. I do have a few things I’d like to order and some that I need to reorder because of a computer glitch earlier this week but we are pretty much set to start soon.

I plan to incorporate some of the other items we already have into the lessons as well.

I’m really trying to be as frugal as I can and use as much as we already have. We have a lot of DVDs and other items that will go along with several of the lessons I’ve looked through already. These have been accumulated over a period of years! A lot of these items have been purchased through Amazon and Lakeshore Learning.

I have ordered quite a bit through William’s scholarship so that I can try to spend more one on one time with in some areas. Some items will be used to try to motivate him to work a little bit more independently as well. William is really interested in these bags with the big books and puppets that I have hanging up. I’ll try to work one or two of those into our daily reading soon. I also have some books with CDs on order and hopefully they’ll be here soon so he can start using his reading center.

We’ve been so excited every time a package comes in the mail. It’s been a job getting everything organized over the past couple of weeks but I am so glad we toughed it out. We still have some areas to work on and I hope we can get to them sooner rather than later… babysteps, I know, one step at a time. There are still a few things to order and reorder because of a glitch in the system earlier this week.

Now even though we are doing a lot old school stuff I’ll still be adding in some new tech/STEM stuff like these items that we already have on the shelf:

I am working on a few lessons so I can include the younger kids as the Prairie Primer is intended for grades 3-7. I know most of the lessons can be adjusted for the little ones but they will need a little bit more one on one time with Momma too.

I am hoping to incorporate our Spielgaben set into some of these lessons. We purchased this several years ago and unfortunately have not used it as much as I wish we had. The past several months it has just been an expensive, very expensive dust collector… that’s gonna change though. This link here is the a similar set of items.

We will also be having some/most of the kids starting up square dance lessons for PE. I thought this would tie in really well with our theme. Mr. Awesome will be teaching the kids gun safety which was part of the study suggestions in the Prairie Primer. This reminds me that I need to check on a hunter safety course so I won’t have a ‘restricted’ hinting license this year.

I’ll also still let the kids have some free learning on the computers and tablets as we will be doing this curriculum for 4 days a week. One day will be for free learning, library, field trips, and catching up. The kids have been begging me to sign up for ABC Mouse again so I’ll probably do that later this week.

Talk about field trips, boy do I have some really good ideas. We are fortunate enough to be close to a few places that will tie into this theme really well. These are some of our family favorite places to visit. We haven’t taken Mr. Awesome and his boys yet but I think that will change here in the near future.

The kids always love to visit the Mill Creek Retirement Home for Horses. Admission is a bag of carrots so we always try to bring the biggest bag we can find. Horses tie into the theme as well, right? Even if they don’t we always get a lot of exercising in and the peopl are always so friendly and give us a lot of information.

Then the Morningside Nature Center is just a hop, skip, and jump or two from us and the kids really love going there. They explore the cabin, play with the old time toys, and feed the animals. The volunteers are always so helpful and answer any questions that the kids have as well. We usually have a picnic lunch afterwards right there near the farm.

There is also the Dudley Farm Historic State Park and many other sites that we will be exploring. These sites also offer a wide variety of activities like making yarn dolls, cane boils, festivals, and other recreations of life in the pioneer days. How can you not have fun?

Be sure to follow along with our blog so you too can join in our homeschool adventures as we travel back to the pioneer days and recreate some of the wonderful stories told by Laura Ingalls Wilder. We’ll be taking lots of pictures, maybe doing a few vlogs here and there, and sharing a lot of the resources that we have found with you. We’ll also share links and deals to specials that we come across too.

If you are interested in trying this out you can use any of the affiliate links I provided in this post to check out what we are using. I’ll try to make up a printable checklist of materials that we are using here soon and I’ll update this post as I can with new ideas so you may want to bookmark the page for future reference.

I also have a whole board on Pinterest, Homeschool: Little House On The Prairie Resources, dedicated to this year’s studies. Be sure to follow the board for updates on new pins that I find. I’ve been pinning for a few years now and should have a plethora of resources on there. I have also started a board with ideas for new studies based on different literature. I am not certain if those will pan out or not but I hope they do and I will share them in the future. If you have some favorite books that you think our family would enjoy please share them in the comments below.

What are you plans for the next year?

Happy Homeschooling

Now that I’ve pulled everything outta the tote I’ve got to find a place to store it!

Kirby’s Kids: Our 2018-2019 Homeschool Curriculum Reveal *This post does contain some affiliate links which help to support our blog and our family.