#so i'm filling the void
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thinking about crossdresser mark who's always pretended to be a man, even back in bern, because her parents drilled it into her head that it's Not Safe and it was their condition for her leaving (and they never learned she joined the military and deserted it) so she never talks because her voice is really soft and lyn is the first person she can talk to
and they joke about how sain and florina's behavior would change if they knew she was actually a gIrl all along
and eliwood actually finds out before hector, at the end of the war, because lyn invites mark to stay at caelin for a bit before she leaves to wander again and he runs into this brunette who happens to be lyn's lady in waiting, while he's visiting his lover, and marceline just Knows Things
like she'll randomly pop up, leave him a gift, and attribute it to lyn, but when he talks to lyn, she's always desperately trying to pretend that she actually did ask the woman do it because mark is bad about filling her in on this stuff
and once, lyn slips up and calls her mark instead marceline. eliwood puts it together after that, not believing her excuse that they're siblings, so the next time mark tries to do something for him, he quietly tells her he knows and before he can continue, she just sits down next to him with a soft "hi" and then just spills her background to him
but hector only learns two years later when a strange woman shows up at his doorstep, asking to see lyn because she and eliwood are staying at hector's for a bit, and he's strolling around the castle, taking a break, when he sees this.
so he goes up and tries to gauge if she's actually lyn's friend.
but this woman latches onto his arm and starts babbling a mile a minute about lyn and how she heard about the miscarriage and how this isn't exactly the first time she's missed out on something important that is bad and not good, and she ran over as soon as she heard but what does she even say and is lyn okay?? is eliwood okay??
hector's like, "who the hell is this?"
and he subtly tries to figure out who she is because she seems to know lyn and actually seems to know him too because once she catches her breath, she starts quizzing him on how he's been doing after uther's death and managing ostia and have you been eating okay—you haven't gone fighting recently, have you?
which is a weird thing to ask unless she knows about armads and she's subtly trying to ask if he's going to die soon, because most people would just ask if he's been sick since he has family history of dying young
but for the life of him, he can't recall her until he looks at her hair and realizes it's the same shade as mark's and then it just...slips from him
"mark?"
and she's like, "huh?"
so he's about to backpeddle, apologize, and explain he doesn't know who she is, until she's like "oops, i forgot to tell you. actually, i'm a girl. my real name is marceline"
which he sort of remembers as lyn's lady in waiting who never showed to the wedding and he remembers grumbling about it to mark but she was all weird about it
and he's like "oh"
his ears are beet red and she's not looking at him so for the guards who can't hear what's being said, but clearly see a woman clinging onto their lord and him being receptive to holding her hand afterwards because she's scared about lyn and he's dragging her to the grieving couple but the guards don't know that
and that is a story that's passed down to a young lilina after being modified to cut out the parts about her mom being the tactician that two countries nearly went to war over, who was said to have simply disappeared afterwards—about how her parents reunited and their love story started
and the parts about how she was actually that person are something lilina only discovers after she returns to ostia and she's going through her dad's stuff, and she finds her mom's old journals
after the parts she knows, like being saved by aunt lyn, there are little notes about like, klein's parents and his brother and sue's dad and fir's parents and igrene's dad and even about igrene! and notes about tactics and how she just wants everyone survive, but especially aunt lyn
and then there's this little passage about her dad where her mom's like "idk man, i shouldn't feel this way, but i kind of felt hurt that he told me i could leave. i mean, i can't compare to eliwood and he'd definitely tell lyn that, but it still sucks but i guess it's nice he acknowledges me"
and then she gets to like, the fifth volume and her mom's like "yeah, so i decided living as a woman is easier than having to put up with people wanting me to work for them when i don't want to and the only reason i helped eliwood was because he helped lyn and lyn's my bestie"
lilina puts together that her mom was actually famous and when she visits roy, she asks his dad about it, which he confirms.
and it's just something that's nagged at me a lot, like lilina realizing there was a whole other side to her mom she never knew about and there's no way for her to talk to her about it because her mom died to an illness a few years ago
(until she gets to askr, then she goes after her mom so hard that hector briefly gets worried that she might have a thing for "mark" and tries to dissuade her from it.
so lilina has to explain to her dad that she's just curious about "him" because she never met "him" and it sounds like "he" was a good friend of his
the effort to make it seem like they're unrelated becomes a moot point because somehow, little lilina stumbles across mark without a hood, maybe when she's bathing and it's the first time little lilina has seen her because usually, her dad doesn't let her take baths this late at night, and she's like "that's mommy! mommy's here." and she runs around the place telling everyone about her mommy
and older hector is profusely apologetic about it once he hears about this
eliwood frequently reminds him of the fact he once thought his daughter had a crush on her mom because it's lowkey funny. lyn doesn't start it, not because she doesn't think it's hilarious, but because it's way easier to laugh if her hubby's the one doing the teasing, but she does egg eliwood on)
#fire emblem blazing sword#fe hector#fe mark#fe lyn#fe eliwood#fe lilina#mark x hector#there is a shameful lack of hector/mark stuff#so i'm filling the void#because i really loved how this man was like “this kid? a tactician” and then he's like “actually you're great"#then he's like “could you be at my coronation”#fire emblem heroes
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thank you for a great art fight! here's some of my final attacks. had a blast, already missing it - see you next year!
#my art#art fight#artfight#artfight2024#anthro#monster#furry#genuinely already missing it i always feel a bit empty for the first few days after art fight ends#it takes up SO much of my free time in july nowadays like july is just the art fight month. to me#hoping to fill the void by doing something that's been eating away at me for years at this point#which is to start taking some of my oc projects more seriously.....and start developing them into something...#i know i can (probably) never make money off my ocs but i think i will start eating my hands off if i don't try to tell their stories#all fun and games but also it's like an obsession 2 me i love my characters....i love them...#and unfortunately i most love my least marketable characters#but whatever i'm sure there will be a couple people who care#feel like i'm at a crossroads and i'm picking the least desirable path but also there's some release in that....#i need to follow that advice that's like make art for yourself and five other likeminded freaks#anyway i'm rambling.....again....it's what i do in the tags
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“I can't give you a castle,” you remind Rhaenyra, “or wealth, or expensive dresses. I doubt I can give you more than the flowers I pick along the grounds.”
Rhaenyra smiles a little bumping her head softly against yours, “You give me loyalty; it is a rare enough commodity.”
“But how far will loyalty get me? I can't compete with the Lannisters or Tyrells or Freys.” You say, and she places her hand on your cheek in response.
“If I wanted any of them I would have them,” Rhaenyra huffs, “I want you, that's why I have you.” She affirms, pulling you in for a kiss.
#shitedrabbles#rhaenyra targaryen x reader#rhaenyra targaryen x male reader#knight reader#i know how the dance ends but I'm choosing to ignore that#delulu is the solulu here and I'm running with it#i couldn't find any male readers for rhaenyra at most I found male rhaenyra so now imma just do what I do best and fill in the void
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still kinda not over ichiro taking a bite out of his hamburger in the leaders bonus hypster track and going 'it's so good!! it tastes really meaty!!' lmao
#vee queued to fill the void#ichiro's been shown to be somewhat neglectful towards himself when it comes to food lol#he knows what tastes good to have made the world class yamada curry tho despite not having the vocabulary for it lol#and that's the most important part tbh lol tho i kinda wonder if he workshopped it with anybody 🤔#like in that dod chapter where samatoki gives ichiro his new home and business lol before daddy samatoki showed up#the bros were all eating convenience store bento boxes which means none of them were cooking for each other yet#and that might be consequence of their living space at the time lol but what if after the upgrade#ichiro felt more obligated to cook for his bros so they could grow well with good food and needed advice on cooking lol#i think it'd be cute if nmcd all got together to help ichiro learn to cook is what i'm saying lol#equally as cute is if the bros got together and taught themselves (tho that may have been a trainwreck lol)#but jiro and saburo both describe the yamada curry as ichiro's so that tells me it's usually an ichiro recipe#but anyway samatoki learned to bake for his sister ichiro would definitely be the same mindset#but let's give ichiro more happy moments associated with food like kuukou's lowkey already been trying to do lol#and have all his friends workshop the recipe with him 🥺🥺🥺#vee is arting#save for that kuukou comic this is the last of my art backlog lol#which means no more art for another three months or sumn lmao 😭😭😭😭😭😭#(i need to promise to myself to not go that long without drawing again lol 😭😭😭😭😭)
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ko-fi link: https://ko-fi.com/copper_sands
hi again, all! i feel like an update on the situation is long overdue, but i've been waiting for something actually new and meaningful to happen to make a separate post. so, yeah, making it now.
first things first, i want to extend my deepest thanks to everyone who's contributed so far, even a little. you guys have been a huge, huge help throughout this journey so far, especially given that it's only been 8 days and i've had to almost double the goal due to extra fees that had only revealed themselves partway through. special thanks to @elkkiel and @inv3ga for generously setting up ways to help drive donations and offering their art in return - if you've donated so far or are planning to and would like some genuinely awesome stuff, feel free to reach out to either (or both?) and check out what they have to offer in return for your proof of donation :"3 once again, i appreciate it so very much, it's really sweet what they have done
right, now onto the news. there's not that much to say, but it's all relevant, so let's just get to it.
first of all, i finally have a date for the visa application appointment - February 19th, about 3 weeks from now. most of the necessary fees are covered, save for the ones that will be decided on the spot at the visa center, and i don't feel comfortable asking for an amount of money i don't know. i will keep you all posted on whether or not i get the visa, and if i don't, i'll unfortunately only be able to refund up to about $100 total in donations, as i've had to pay $600 instead of the original $300 in visa fees due to family shenanigans. hopefully nothing happens that will warrant this in the first place, though. please keep your fingers crossed for me :'3
secondly, i finally have commissions open! this is just one of the types of commissions right now - digital paintings - and i am planning to open more types of commissions, namely custom dice sets, in the near future. i only have 5 slots open for now, but they are offered at a discount - once they're filled, i will open more at the full price (number of slots pending). you can learn more & order one for yourself here: https://ko-fi.com/copper_sands/commissions
lastly, i just wanna say... again, the support so far has been fucking incredible, especially for just how long this has been going & how much time there's still left, but that's the thing - this isn't urgent or life-threatening for me. if this doesn't end up happening, sure, i'll be heartbroken, but i will live and be okay at the end of it all. i would like to direct your attention to Sera's fundraiser - she needs urgent access to complicated medical treatment, and on top of it all her housing situation is threatened. i don't know all the details, but it is so much more serious than my situation could ever be, and i want to urge you to donate. i'll contribute too, as soon as i'm able.
thank you all so much - for reading, contributing, spreading the word. love you all 💗💗💗
#fundraiser#fundraising#mutual aid#donate#donations#signal boost#queer aid#commissions#commissions open#ko-fi#ko-fi shop#ko-fi commissions#a little rant in the tags to keep the focus on the things that matter:#the thing is. i Have been getting stuff done and realistically speaking i should be proud of it#but all of that stuff has been logistics & things i need for the visa application. been losing sleep over that too but not the point#the point is that i've been busy but i haven't been creating and it's kinda getting to me honestly#i want to create things. i can feel that i'm burnt out on it but still i want to create#nothing's been appealing. not digital art not resin not sculpting. not even sanding my fucking dice (my wrist hurts as is i don't need more#and it really hurts to be honest#i'm hoping that commissions at least can fill that void#they're usually even more of a slog than creating for myself but i need to make money and i need to make art#so yknow. gotta make it work#hopefully...#also tagging this at the end of everything i'm planning to put a small print + keychain + sticker bundle up for moth lovers soon-ish#so if you like silly little bugs stay tuned for that!!
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Honestly we see a bit of it in the epilogue (what with his hair being less ashy, his eye bags being gone, etc) but Hunter probably got such a glow-up after moving in with Darius. Like he'd already been doing better at Camila's house than he'd been at the castle (eating more, sleeping more, etc) but Darius is a full on spa girlie. He's taking Hunter with him to get a facial and the kid exits that place GLOWING. Without the dead bird magic this time. His stress induced acne? Gone. His eye bags? Gone. His scars? No longer dry and itchy.
Darius buys him expensive shampoo and conditioner to use (he'd been using shower gel on his hair back at Camila's house. She didn't know. When Willow tries to run her hands through it, it crunches slightly. He thinks this is normal) and honestly? The one good thing he got from Caleb was the Wittebane Gorgeous Hair Genes. His stupid little mullet flows in the wind.
When Hunter first moves in, he's grown out of most of his human realm clothes and there's very few shops/tailors open at the time, so he's borrowing all of Darius' old stuff which, while admittedly vintage, is still wayyy more classy than anything Hunter would've picked for himself. Once he has alternate options he definitely reverts back to his personal sense of style (and if he gets the a-okay from Darius he modifies the old clothes with personal bits of patchwork and embroidery) but there's a period of six months after WaD where Hunter is just consistently the best dressed of the hexsquad at any given moment. Gus and Amity are QUAKING in their boots
#ramblings of a lunatic#the owl house#toh#hunter toh#hunter deamonne#darius deamonne#dadrius#severe lack of self-care focused dadrius content so I'm filling the void with shitposts#someone must've written a one-shot about them going to the spa. right???#either way i should've been asleep ages ago. i have an evil day ahead of me tomorrow. pray for me
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a productive all-nighter starts by making a clear to do list & getting to work spending an hour or so searching for the music that hits the vibe just right
#it’s important#for the morale#but I found a new band I rly rly like so it wasn’t time wasted (best thing for morale)#tho they have only 4 songs so far so can’t fill the whole night with just that#but it can fill The Void so it's a start#(love finding bands that are like somewhat new instead of my usual ''omg I love this band'' 'only to find out they disbanded years ago)#(after deleting other social media apps I've been spending way too long times browsing Spotify but at least it's bringing me joy)#(except why THE FUCK are they trying to bring short-form content there also?? I refuse that's the worst way to find music)#also don't ask me why I'm doing an all-nighter ik I do these way too often it's great (sarcasm)#i'm dumb and been too anxious the past days so haven't done shit and now am in deep trouble#but luckily for me the anxiety turned today to the ''I'll never sleep so time goes by slower''-mode#instead the usual ''will have billion naps as a form of escapism'' which sucks ass#april 2024#2024
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Personally, I think the “That’s how it happened right? You standing in my blood, stroking my hair?” Was how it happened. Louis is just super detached from that headspace he was in before, and validly wanting not to have it be true that he didn’t, at one time, care about Claudia being gone, would be reasonable, and in character. Blaming Armand, partly, for why things got to be like that is correct. Though in this instance is misdirected to include things Armand did not in fact do to get it to be like that, but had, very much, done in a recent unrelated incident. He's essentially combining two events together to get it to align with his current set of beliefs. (Surely everyone's looked back on a situation before and saw it differently given time to think or feel differently about it. Get differing information, and so on. The show is directing us to that a lot, if not making it one of its major themes.)
But I say this is probably, almost definitely, the case, because Louis story beats need to be told accurately lest it take away from his character arc, as well his whole character and its complexity. Obstructing from his, very powerful, highly emotionally driven, story in a way that's frankly offensive. Armand having total and complete control over it, is bullshit. While, he does this though, to himself. Does a character armor on himself to get away from his own flaws, and role, in how things came about. Not intentionally, because it is emotional, and a lot of times just a result of blocking out that trauma. But this is something he’s seen doing often - Not remembering situations in the light in which they’re most accurate, and in so doing painting himself better sometimes, and others worse. Straight up forgetting, or overlooking information, and so never reevaluating why certain things came about until this moment. Not accurately applying the emotions of then, to the way he feels about it now, because he can't, or couldn't previously, actually remember it in that way. As he doesn't connect to those feelings, even those memories. His feelings in a lot of ways keep clouding his memories and his judgments of them.
Daniel gets at this too, where he brings up the tapes, and how Louis was basically just raving the whole time, and this story all happened differently then. It's the same story beats, yes, but it's all so emotionally different to the point where information gets completely changed around, even looked at like it's forcefully constructed to be a certain way, and not actually, therefore, accurate. Louis always tells an emotional story, and that’s important. It places him in time and continuum, in his own history as opposed to outside of it. That’s like, I think a history that can’t be overlooked, even if it's a history that's subject to change. And shouldn't history be? Shouldn't we look back on events that took place in our lives differently? Isn't that how any society grows? And why shouldn't Louis judgments be clouded by his emotions when that's the reason for most any other characters actions? Isn't that the story being told here?
#iwtv#Armand stuff in tags so I'm not derailing:#this is also why I believe Louis had asked Armand for it to be removed because he was struggling and his judgements were off and so asking#in that kind of moment is... I feel a very Louis doing something emotionally desperate moment. And you can just#throw a dart at a wall of things he's done and never miss him doing something emotionally desperate.#the whole interview is emotionally desperate for crying out loud.#anyway... I'm an Armand would only do this if asked kind of person and think it's lazy and bad writing otherwise.#Armand SO much more preys on Louis emotional vulnerabilities and desperations than he goes fucking around with Louis literal memories.#Cause he's also not after control so much as filling the void of his own insecurities and sometimes this is done through manipulating Louis#And that's why I also don't think he plans and constructs so much as... also only acts desperately.#Honestly I don't think a lot of it's intentional either for the very reason he doesn't want to really control Louis#Louis just also an active reminder of everything he's insecure about so he... ends up acting out a lot of them onto him.#The guy's not hannibal lector unwell he's Armand unwell#Idk the people that get it get it#louis de pointe du lac#loumand#armand#interview with the vampire
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It's been over 2 years and i still haven't found a drama that captivates me with the intensity of beyond evil or the devil judge. I'm beginning to accept that nothing's ever gonna come close to making me feel this way ever again
#flower of evil should be mentioned here too#that was quite captivating too. rewatching that at least twice a year#but everytime i watch a drama mentioned in the same sentence as BE or TDJ i just end up..#disappointed? because no. these dramas don't have the same vibes at. all.#and i know i should not compare everything to BE and i swear I'm not even doing that#it's just i want to get so obsessed i can't stop thinking about it for weeks and NEED to rewatch it on loop#and that just hasn't happened since 2022 with any drama i watched#television peaked with beyond evil. there's nothing that will ever satisfy me as much as this#gonna fill the rest of this year with BE‚ TDJ‚ FOE‚ and bad & crazy rewatches#(yeah b&c also had quite a grip on me. it's just not the same vibes but outstanding nevertheless)#i want something that burns itself into my soul and alters my whole brain#is that too much to ask#beyond evil#the devil judge#void screams
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Can't believe I accidentally abandoned Unwell podcast for nearly two years for no reason. I'm finally catching up with it and I'm feeling some kind of way about ghosts that don't know they are ghosts, and ghosts that aren't exactly ghosts at all, and ghosts that are previous versions of you, and towns that are alive and complicated, and houses that shift and change and become unfamiliar in the same way a person's own mind can, and family, and tradition, and history, and memory, and community, and grief...
#Unwell podcast#Unwell#Also I'm so emotional about Ep4.11#You know#the one where the chapel fills with water and [redacted] happens?!#Fucking hell. That scene#Someone give Clarisa Cherie Rios an Oscar for that scene#It absolutely broke my heart#I'm pretty sure I'd seen a spoiler about what happens in that episode#but I forgot/ convinced myself I'd imagined it#and actually hearing the reaction to it hit me like a freight train#I am annoyed that I'm having all these feelings but I can't look in the tag yet#cos I don't want spoilers since I've not listened to most of Season 5 yet#So I'm just posting into the void
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by the lighthouse.
dividers
#alright i suppose i should tell what's up lately! im mostly posting this like a mini update or whatever haha#so - since i made that last post on my disappearance i worked endlessly to finish my animation project and thank goodness it's finally over#i had to take a break from trying to be social here and just stay in my own space and i did that by having a smaller side blog to ramble#the project was very... tiring - definitely took out so much energy from me post physically and mentally and i was just frustrated everyday#so i just took my time to be alone with a few close people and i like to think im okay now?#i like to think so - since i was able to deliver a few commission drafts today so i'm relieved that im back to my usual pace#I'll post a few of my doodles here i did during my project just to fill the void haha#i've acquired a minor familial from another video game and i care for him a lot :] idk ill bother to talk abt it here but yeah thats funnn#also indulging a lil bit of t.n.m.n content as of late also thanks to my friend who knows abt it hehe#soo yeah! I don't know if ill be active like the usual but know that i'm doing alright now! hope everyone's doing okay too xoxo#ill probably still stay in my smaller blog for a little longer but will occasionally pop in here!#sooo yaaa#~ art#💚 memoryshipping#also yea i think no.rton only had like. 10 days worth of being the blog brand here until i switched back to the usual guy lmaooo sorry 😔
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since fit has hinted at leaving the main island/taking a break (judging by his insistence to see ramón today before everything happens), i'm really hoping that he'll at least leave something for pac, even if it's just a verbal message to rely to him, because i'm not sure how i'd cope with pac coming back and having no idea where fit had disappeared to, walking around the island asking everybody and nobody being able to supply any information.
i mean, it is going to be interesting to see this kind of situation from pac's point of view since fit has been subjected to it multiple times at different levels of his and pac's relationship dynamic. but that doesn't mean i'm going to be able to cope with it, especially if it lasts longer than just a few days.
#and we aren't even going to have any new clip compilations since the next one covers their last day together#so it's really several days without fitpac#i'm hyperfixated how do i fill the void in my heart now?#fitpac#hideduo#qsmp hideduo#dino.thoughts#qsmp
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More sketchy miscellaneous Glow Worms doodles!
#serirei#mp100#Reigen Arataka#god the stupid chicken scene I'm so tempted to rewrite it but I can never bring myself to#also man that face did not erase well I promise you Serizawa is not seeing a face in the sky within the fic lol#however he IS getting lost in the sauce thinking about the void of space and how it doesn't have a ceiling#the Teruki image is a gift to the fic readers out there <3 yes he is Absolutely going to keep filling Reigen's inbox with plant pics#in other news I have GOT to get a handle on how I draw Serizawa#Serizawa Katsuya#Hanazawa Teruki#Teruki#Nico Draws#Glow Worms#Glow Worms or rather: In the Depths of the Safflower Hills
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ghost ichiro who is very interested in his brand of world domination with kuukou and ghost kuukou who is confused by the affection and as any kuukou does when uncertain, they withdraw LOL
#vee queued to fill the void#ghost kuukou: ????? what’s his fcking problem?????#ghost ichiro: *senses his confusion and finds it adorable* so!!!! you and me???? taking these guys to paradise later tonight???? 🤭🤭🤭#i’m glad ghost ichiro is as showboating as i thought he would be lol like i am not joking that ghost ichiro card saved me LOL#ghost kuukou still being a monk makes me happy too lol that means he still wants to guide others to nirvana (paradise)#and whaddya know that’s another pair of ichiro and kuukou aligned in their goals!!!!!! ❤️💜👻💜❤️#ghost naughty busters can cure cancer end wars decimate plagues end famines cure depression—#also happy ichikuu day lol i'm so happy to have another new shiny version of them LOL#vee is arting
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uncle neen!!! welcome back omg i was so sad to see u disappear </3 hyh !!! i had a question i asked last time but i was wondering since ur rewriting ur fics, are u planning on posting them on tumblr? or on ao3? pls be kind to urself too<33
good MORNING, lovie!!!!~ <3 c':
( or whatever time it is, where you are at the moment! )
i'm very excited to announce that you are my very FIRST new ask message on my brand new blog!
( teri is my first follower; ly ter. <33 o//3//o )
***long overdue UN ramble-bramble under the cut. xx
i /do/ miss my six hundred bajillion ask memes and am mourning the loss of all my online creations and great joys as a deranged southpark fanfiction author and the legacy i built with my tiny, gay weird hands
( i will go into it another time, but i had a very, very frightening bipolar episode surrounding my blog and my role on here as a writer, friend and mentor to you all, deleted all my things in a horrible panic, was able to recover them...but in the -- what i hope is the *very last* -- after shock of my episode...i got very scared, very sad and deleted both my dearly treasured and beloved, beautifully cult followed by many of you and other ghosts of sp style fanatics past ao3 account**
**( with peppermint on it at 13k likes which...oh my god, please be gentle with me, that was a very, very hard blow and rough realization for me and i am sorry to everyone who loved that fanfiction and wanted to go back and read it for posperity and personal comfort...i miss her too; rest in peace, pep, my first born. my sweet girl. </3 )
...and most tragically of all, i deleted my tumblr blog, with over one hundred pages of carefully curated content surrounding my sp aus, your lovely, insightful and thoughtful questions and inquiries, also typed with your tiny, weird gay hands answered, in turn, with mine, torched the ev. of those memories in the final blast and lost my window into your world through that medium...
...which is literally heartbreaking to me, because more than even my silly fanfictions or my blog, what i loved to do, was talk to all of you and read your wonderful messages each day and remind myself of why i should be here and continue to do what i do. </333 :'''c
BUT! my darlings, as ravenstan would say, 'it's always darkest before crimson dawn', for the very first time in several weeks ( which, i fear, and i was, full of fear and horrible self loathing/dread every waking and nightmarish moment ), last night, i cried for a very, very, very, long time, held myself together in the broken places -- told myself and the girl i was that i loved her and i was going to take care of us and be brave -- and broke the fever ( a little off key like jersey kyle, but very lovely nonetheless; love you tone deaf king. x my sboyf. )
today, i woke up this morning and slept...PEACEFULLY and woke up PERFECTLY HAPPY AND RESTED...
AND SMILED. QUITE. WIDE!!!!~ :D
and that is a baby step, but it is a step in the right direction and also almost wanted to make me weep like a baby again because i literally have not felt happy or like i do not hate myself for like, i shit you not, over like 15-20 days...it was frightening and fucking horrible! SLAY!
nevertheless ( or the most, finally ) i am excited to welcome in a new era/year of change on my blog and within myself; which is an era of peppermint flavored 'hope i'm healing' in a delicious rem(ember) font.
unfortunately, because i nuked my ao3 account, i do not currently one atm, but am in the process of recovering it.
( i'm not condoning any kind of rude/uncivilized behavior bc people are allowed to do anything they want -- but i'd really like to get my user back and would appreciate it a lot if no one used it to create another ao3 account just because it would be confusing for my readers and disheartening to me to not be boxwinebaddie anymore. )
until then, i will be writing/drafting rem(ember) in my messy google docs, am storyboarding everything to the best of my ability ( which is not perfect, but nothing is -- except stan and kyle to each other -- but god loves a trier, which is why he hates me: i prefer hell where it's drier -- that way my girlfail guylinea will not run. xx )
KALE SEITAN! ;)
posting little snippets of it on here for all of you, probably put it here on my tumblr and post it up to ao3 if i can regain my account/one in general ( i am a little worried that because of how long it's been, the loss of all my followers and, what i assume, is a decreased public or tiktok generated interest in sp, it will do poorly; rip </3 )
-- but the point is...that i want to start doing stuff for myself now. and not because i think i should or create unnecessary stress/sadness surrounding my strength or weakness as a writer or person ( or like, beat the living shit out of myself every single day anymore )...
...so i am writing it slowly, carefully, synthesizing all the info i gathered from over a year of answering your questions ( which helped me develop my sp au styles and their worlds into the lovely, seemingly breathing paper machslayed things they are now ), am going to write the fanfiction i always/wanted/ to write ( i’ve always wanted to rewrite RM, but was so busy and overwhelmed with my blog/my irl stuff that i couldn't )
and i'm calling it...
<3
p.s. ( i love you ): i am going to give my grandmother a copy of the first chapter of peppermint for christmas because i wanted to do something special/sentimental for her and secretly push the gay middle school style agenda ( she is actually very woke and thought my uncle might be gay for a while when he was younger, haha xx ), but i want to give them different names, so that on the off chance it gets passed off to my mom, my dad or manages to travel by world of mouth ( my grandma has a tendency to gab, but i love her a lot ) that it can't specifically be traced back to my dead ao3 or my blog.
so if any one has any ideas for silly interesting names i could give my sons, names for other characters or south park in gen. hit me up! <33
thank you for your interest in my work -- and in me, in general. i love you all dearly, i hope you heal ( i know you will ) and smile, pendejos because got a lot coming up on that crimson dawn and a lot of crazy shit coming down on that *jersey i won't say i'm in luh megara vc*
~SCHARLET sLUt~
cheers! mazel! ;) xx
-uncle nina, in her healing era <3
#hello my friends#it's really good to hear from you again#specifically whatever friend sent this message in! thank you my darling! i am sorry for the fright#but i am VERY EXCITED to start writing again#slowly but surely; baby steps#i want to fill in the tags more but even tho i did sleep very peacefully last late nite bit i am running on almost NO sleep#and not to be baby asf i cried a LOOOOOT last night and this past week/past weeks ( i have no conception of time )#its my slayolay cursed ravenstamulet demonic kennygal curse#and my eyes hurt A LOT so i will leave it at this! i hope you guys are as excited for it as i am and tbh i am actually thinking#that nuking my blog and starting over was a good idea bc i was a little too overwhelmed and i am excited for the fresh start#and now i can write my fanfiction with all the new information i gathered and was able to process and plot out using your#messages and questions! which makes i can now craft the most updated slightly unplugged better longer and uncut vers#of my fanfiction yet! ( i might consider rewriting pep after if i have the strength of will and the time to kill -- i am also going to#start going to regular 4 day a week multi hour outpaitent therapy and my medications were just upped and seem to be#...beginning to work? me thinks? YAY???!!!! <333 either way i am going to take things slow and do what makes me happy#i want to post snippets on here when i can and it is almost my birthday! t-minus two days! wooo! and my final thought is#if you rem(ember) anyone or have a pal you know was interested in my stuff/wants to refind me/tell em i'm not dead#you can direct them to this blog and this post ( all i ask is that no one make a large post or large deal about it because i am#very skittish and all that attention is WHY i had that bipolar episode among other irl things so i hope you heal i love you#smile pendejo and its good to be back ( even if its with one foot in the void and the other in a hellokitty roller blade ) xx
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i know I've spoken on this extensively before but it's still so funny to me when ppl point out harumi blaming lloyd illogically for her parents death instead of pythor or whatever as if it's like an actual plothole of her character. If she was "logical" she wouldn't be a crazy evil bitch ok <3
#though i can at least give ppl that i do think the ending of crystallized muddies this comprehension a bit#like i do hold that the actual thing that breaks her in the end is that overlord fills her garm-shaped void in a very half-assed way#so the casual reveal and blatant admittance that he is at fault for the existence of the devourer doesn't just shake her on facts alone#but on the foundation that she can't map the (already tenuous) savior narrative she put onto garm#onto an overlord who basically puts 0 real effort into feeding into her delusions#BUT crystallized's ending is rushed as hell so i don't entirely blame people for just reading it like#she was finally destroyed by hashtag facts and logic#HOWEVER this was an argument i saw even b4 crystallized existed#that she was a stupid character for blaming lloyd when the real people to blame are right fucking there#and I'm just like sorryyy but this all happened when she was like 8 ok#her child brain formulated an understanding of events that just don't map onto reality#and she was never in a good enough place emotionally to challenge that perception
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