#so i’m limiting my online time so that i can stay sane and well and productive

[keepmovinjunior]

🌸

[braxbrowastaken]

I self-sabotage in the name of justice and fairness. If I think I have an advantage, I minimize it. If I think I have a disadvantage… well I try to work around it.

I’ve had to hijack my sense of fairness in order to help bring that drive under control. I literally have to tell myself that it’s perfectly fair for me to exploit my advantages over others because they would exploit their own advantages over me without a second thought.

Really the bigger problem though is how the world seems hellbent on shredding my mental health because for some godforsaken reason I’ve developed the ability to not just see people IRL as people, but also others I meet online too. And so I care deeply about people I’ve never met and in some cases never spoken to.

And the world sucks. It fills me with burning indignation that people make things worse for each other without any reason. I’d even get it if it were pure selfishness. But no, a lot of the time it’s them cutting their nose off to spite their face.

I have to limit my exposure to current events so that I can stay sane. It sucks. I want to be able to know AND do something but I can’t do anything really so I’m better off not knowing much of the time…

Don’t do it people!

Funny ADHD ASD Memes

[6ad6ro]

there's a lot of posts about piracy going around rn. so here's mine:

anti-piracy arguments are almost always classist. you shouldn't need to be rich to be happy. we were all born into capitalism. it's not voluntary. many of us don't have parents or other support networks keeping us afloat. poor people still deserve to have nice things. i could care less about keeping a system running smoothly that keeps most people poor and only few people rich.

if you work a shitty, low-paying job, then a simple monthly streaming service fee is YES actually too much to ask. no i don't care if your fav big company loses "potential" money from people who couldn't afford to buy them to begin with.

if there wasn't such a thing as "poverty"? if people could generally AFFORD to go out and easily get the things they want and need? obviously piracy wouldn’t be much of an issue at all. it's always frustrating to hear anti-piracy arguments from people who ignore how CRAZY expensive cost of living has become. again, usually the biggest anti-piracy peeps are either naive rich kids (who have things paid for), rich ppl who STAY rich by keeping things broken like they are, and the poor people they’ve brainwashed into being submissive hosts to their parasitic behavior.

in a world like this, where people are overworked and tired? with very few tangible goals available in their future? people NEED entertainment to stay sane. it's literally a mental health issue. yes, in a way, you NEED that funny show to inspire yourself to keep going. that game you can't afford otherwise? will help you relax after a hard day. don't let some disney mouthpiece tell you shouldn't download lion king if it'd help calm you down, especially when the people running that company could probably afford to have a private zoo in their backyard.

there's ALSO the big issue of control. as companies move further and further into streaming and cloud technologies? ownership has become a huge issue. greedy companies are finding more and more ways to nickel and dime people over long periods of time rather than get a one-time fee. it makes them more money, they don't have to actually GIVE customers anything (copies of data are free to them). and customers are left with nothing to show for it after-the-fact. this means that even though entertainment is being produced way more than the past? i’d argue people have LESS access to the entertainment they want for how much they’re paying. because it’s all temporary.

drm and limited use is becoming a norm. meaning? it's harder and harder for people to "own" their favorite things even if they COULD afford it. your favorite movie might simply cease to exist in 20 years. your favorite game might become nothing but a fragmented memory.

"piracy" solves this. backups. ownership. it takes control away from companies who abused that power. and puts it back in your hands. when nintendo stopped making their back catalogue available? and went around shutting down all the emulation sites? i was thankfully in the clear. because i download and archived many of my favorite things. in many cases i own cartridges of my favorite games already? but those can break, or in my case, get caught in a flood. but due to piracy, i can still play "mario 64" to pull myself away from suicidal thoughts. and i'm not limited by nintendo randomly deciding to remove it from the switch store and take the cartridges off of store shelves? in order to drive up their yearly profit via copycatting the methods used for the "disney vault" scam (look it up).

i am someone who tends to enjoy things from other countries. but it can be INCREDIBLY restrictive to try to go through "official" channels attempting to pay for them. if i want that old, relatively unpopular 80s japanese prog rock album? i'm just stuck. i HAVE to hope someone is sharing it online. but this often applies to new things as well. "licensing" is generally INCREDIBLY stupid, especially when it comes to other regions. do you REALLY want simple licensing issues to stand between you and your potential new favorite anime? and in many cases, the distributors just don't care enough to make the thing available globally. and no, i don't think this should mean we all just "miss out".

one of the biggest issues we are experiencing online at the moment? is one of censorship. governmental censorship, religious censorship, and maybe worst of all? corporate censorship. i'm not talking about "bring back racist imagery" etc (but that DOES play a part). i'm more talking... rewriting history. edits. removal. for example, it shouldn't be left to some corporation to decide whether or not a sex scene in a movie is deemed "too racy" for today's audience. if somebody creates an amazing album, but then commits some awful unrelated act later, that shouldn't mean that album should be made unavailable. in many cases, old media can even TEACH us what NOT to do. we gain nothing by erasing history. and corporations are never doing it to be moral. they're only following required guidelines in order to maximize profit. “fake showings of morality” to keep up appearances and keep all potential buyers buying. piracy can give you the OPTION of access to unedited works, or things that have been removed from circulation.

piracy can negate corporate control and artificial-scarcity. create opportunities for absorbing other culture's art without having to deal with availability issues in your country. it circumvents corporate and governmental censorship. and helps you archive the art that makes your life worth living.

finally... the "but it's stealing and stealing is wrong" argument is invalidated by the fact that, by ANY moral compass? these companies are STEALING from US. constantly. by a LOT. look at the way any big company is run. the way it leeches off of it's customer base. the offshore tax havens... does THAT seem okay to YOU?! if someone went around stealing all the food and locking it up, would you REALLY consider "breaking in" to get some so that u didn't starve as "stealing"? don't pretend that you don't NEED escapism and entertainment to get by. you know that you do.

the only people that piracy COULD hurt? is small, independent artists. who, if you actually listen to them, would rather you send them money directly? or buy merch. etc. because companies usually take SUCH an awful cut that it’s better to find alternate ways of supporting them. if you use reasonable context with what you decide to download and share? it’s fine! like i might buy a depeche mode vinyl or two? or a shirt. or go to a concert. but i’ll pirate that $1000 rare box set. because i just can’t AFFORD that kind of excess. and my income doesn’t dictate how big of a fan i am of their music. as long as you chip in when you can to your favorite creators? it’s actually fine. if i didn’t pirate, i wouldn’t be into 95% of the artists i’m currently into. i’ve spent so much on media that it’s almost embarrassing... my argument might not be entirely black and white? but i can safely say that piracy’s positives GREATLY outweigh it’s negatives. most research done has shown time and time again that it doesn’t really hurt creators. if anything, it’s the way greedy companies REACT to the idea of file sharing that hurts those creators. it really is an argument of big corporations trying to make sure they keep ALL the money. and it has almost nothing to do with art or artist’s rights. so please keep sharing everything. download away. for the sake of your own sanity, and generations down the line. because corporations don’t care about you. they don’t care about artists. and they don’t care about maintaining easy access to the art. they just want money, regardless of the cost to everyone else’s happiness. and if you can afford to PAY for it regularly? you should consider yourself very lucky. so maybe stop shitting all over poor people who unfairly have less access to what you already have. everybody deserves to be happy.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

[thetwoplayergays]

During quarantine, my dad and I have been taking long drives and visiting some of the nearby forest-y places, how do the RFA and MC spend their time together?

Speaking of, I hope everyone out there is having a safe quarantine, including you anon (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥ I hope this satisfies what you had in mind! I had to write it twice cause I deleted the first draft...

RFA during quarantine

Yoosung 

His first instinct when he thinks about being stuck inside for the next few months isn’t how he’ll be spending it with you...

No, instead his first instinct is to turn on the computer

LOLOL ALL DAY EVERY DAY BABYYYY

Of course, with the increase in players and traffic to the site, the game appeared to be getting a lot more maintanance than it usually would, which annoyed the blonde boy.

“I’m meant to be doing a raid today MC! What am I doing to do now....”

“...Well for one you could do something with me?”

“Oh yeah!”

After finally tearing him away from his computer, the two of you decide to be productive during this time and learn a couple new skills!

First week: Cooking.

Of course, it would be easier to learn about such a thing if the supplies in the shops weren’t extremely limited, causing you both to have to make up substitutes as you went along.

You almost burnt the kitchen down twice in one week

You gave up with cooking after that

It wasn’t entirely a bad thing, you even got Yoosung to invest some of his time into your favourite games, which to your pleasant surprise he seemed to genuingly enjoy!

A few weeks in, he found an old guitar from high school in storage.

Worst. Discovery. Ever.

“Yoosung no...”

“YOOSUNG YES”

The next few days were filled with the sound of out-of-tune plucked strings overlapping the various youtube videos Yoosung was ‘learning’ from.

“Hey MC, I think I can finally play Hey There Delilah!”

“That’s wonderful honey...”

Zen

This man was SO EXCITED to spend lockdown with you and immediately started to plan all the wonderful things you two were going to do together.

The beast certainly had a few ideas as well

It was domestic bliss for you two

You couldn’t get your hands off of eachother for even a minute

You did everything together - eating, sleeping, showering etc.

The RFA commented on how suffocating it was, but neither of you seemed to mind.

It only solidified the knowledge that you two were destined to spend the rest of your life together.

A few times, Zen had caught himself almost calling you his wife, causing him to immediately hide his face away from you in fear of you commenting on his sudden blush.

There was a downside however. 

Zen’s routine was in shambles

Products were sold out left right and centre, food shopping was even worse, it was driving him crazy.

You found yourself having to remind him that a break in his rountine wasn’t going to be the end of the world and that you loved him regardless, even if he got a pimple or two.

Don’t even go there MC

You found yourselves cooking together more often too, showing Zen how to prepare more meals that were normally out of his diet range.

Of course, it wasn’t like he could resist your cooking anyway.

Whenever you two got a little too stir crazy, he would take you on motorbike rides through the city, more often than not resulting in you two at the top of a mountain stargazing.

It turned into a weekly tradition, one which you both promised to keep up even after quarantine.

Jaehee

You would think that the lockdown would give Jaehee the break she so desperately needed, right?

You would be wrong.

With the cafe closed, this girl threw herself into her work just for something to do

Much to your dismay.

It took a lot of persuading for her to get up from the computer and spend time with you during the initial first few weeks, but it was definitely worth it.

This girl was also extremely prepared to the lockdown before it was even announced.

Sanitiser? Got it, she had spare incase the cafe ran out

Masks? No problem. She had many still in storage from the days she would force herself into work even whilst sick

Again, much to your dismay

You suggested that instead of doing mindless work on her computer that she could help you with a different project you had in mind.

“A project? Whatever could we do in a time like this?”

Redesigning the cafe!

It was something the two of you had talked about many times before quarantine, but had never gotten round to going through with it.

You both took it upon yourself to fill your day with physical and mental labour, pushing around furniture, painting the walls, coming up with new bakes and sales to draw the customers in etc.

It was hard, but it was so worth it.

During the evenings, you two would bundle up together on your sofa and pick a set of movies to watch before bed.

One of you always fell asleep before the end- not that either of you would mind.

Jumin

Out of all of the RFA, he was definitely the closest to breaking the social distancing rule

The idea of not seeing you- touching you- for an unknown amount of time was driving him crazy.

Mr We-shouldn’t-move-in-together-until-marriage was certainly about to rip that view right out of his head just for the chance to kiss you again.

He distracted himself by constantly checking up on you.

“Do you need food? I can have one of the guards stop by a local shop to grab- what do you mean everything is sold out? Can’t they just order more?”

“Jumin no-”

You had to teach him about video calling so he would stop asking for selfies every ten minutes, disputing his claim about how he ‘was already missing your beauty’. 

It went about as well as you might imagine it would...

“Press the little video icon to turn on your camera- no the other one. It looks like a small- NO JUMIN THAT’S THE MUTE BUTTON.”

When you did eventually get it working, he was more than thrilled to be able to talk to you face to face again. He even looked up how to take screenshots on his computer so he could save them.

“You know MC, this platform has a lot of potential uses...”

Down boy its only been a week.

At first you thought just video calling him was enough to satisfy his need to see you, hoping he would stop complaining about ‘missing your touch’.

That was until Driver Kim showed up at your door.

“Mr Han has asked that you pack your bags ma’am. It seems he is rather fond of the idea that you spend this quarantine with him instead.”

Of course he does.

You are thankful though, you missed him more than you were willing to admit. 

Saeyoung

This boy spends his life indoors anyway, he barely registered the lockdown announcement when it finally came.

But when you brought up the idea of spending quarantine with him instead of in your own apartment, that’s when his interest finally peaked.

He picked you up in one of his babies, grinning from ear to ear as he helped you with your small bag of things. 

“Operation 707 and 606′s lockdown extravanganza - COMMENCE!”

To no one’s surprise, he had hacked into the shopping network the moment he knew basic supplies would become sparse and ordered everything you both would need to come straight to his doorstep.

Which in his eyes meant a dozen boxes of Dr Pepper and Honey Buddha Chips. 

“Saeyoung.....”

He would often complain to you about being an ‘essential worker’ because he was still hacking even in the lockdown, but you quickly shot him down.

“MC! You’re so mean! I’m doing this for you! Reward me!!”

The only reward he got was a pillow to the face

When he wasn’t working, the two of you spent your time playing games and watching movies mostly, with the occasional prank call to Yoosung sprung in if you were extra bored.

As much as he joked around about it, Seven was genuinely thankful that you chose to spend such a delicate time with him instead of alone, and made sure to remind you of it at least once a week.

Sometimes he’d go out of his way to cook you your favourite meal, sometimes he’d run a special bubble bath and light some scented candles for a relaxing night, sometimes there were other things too-

But he was genuinely happy to spend every day with you like this, it reminded him of how lucky he was to have you in his life.

Jihyun

Jihyun was concerned at first about the lockdown and his career as a photographer.

Where was he going to go now? Where would he find his inspiration?

His questions were thankfully answered when you walked through the door.

The two of you started a small project amongst yourselves to try and spread some positivity in the community involving V’s photographs.

You’d find inspiration around the house you shared and create these elaborate photoshoots between the two of you that you would share online, encouraging those at home to do the same.

It actually became rather popular, so the two of you continued it.

Your personal favourite entries were the photographs from Jumin as he tried to capture Elizabeth in all her glory but failed miserably.

It was the effort that counted though

When you weren’t taking photos, Jihyun was constantly entertaining you with various activities and puzzles, leading to your weekly board game tradition which was one that you very much enjoyed.

Living in the countryside, you were lucky enough to be able to spend your exercise out in the wilderness with your boyfriend, mindlessly cloud gazing and discussing what the future could possibly have in store for the both of you.

You made sure to spend this time making Jihyun feel as loved as possible too, showering him with little gestures of gratitude for his efforts in keeping you sane during this scary time, which only made him fall in love with you more.

Saeran

Stuck.... inside...?

For months???

OH HELL NO-

Saeran was not about that lockdown life, and immediately went into a grump only you were able to drag him out of.

“Saeran it won’t be so bad! I’m sure it’ll go by in a flash!”

“....You’ll stay with me for it?”

“Of course.”

The two of you slowly get into a comfortable rhythm with eachother, with the you both making sure to give each other space if the other felt suffocated or emotionally drained at any point.

You find yourselves searching around the house for anything you could possibly use to entertain yourselves, eventually stumbling upon a pile of old jigsaw puzzles you had forgotten about.

And thus a tradition was born

Both you and Saeran discovered your love of jigsaws during the quarantine, finding them to be both mentally stimulating and emotionally relaxing at the same time.

Plus, the satisfaction of finishing one you had been working on for the last few hours was extremely satisfying to say the least and quickly became one of your favourite activities to do with Saeran.

You ended up asking Seven if he could do you a favour halfway through the lockdown when your boyfriend had had a particularly hard day, and low and behold, a whole box of ice cream appeared at your doorstep a week later.

“...MC how did this get here?”

“Must have been a miracle darling. Now, how about a movie night, hm?”

[chocoluckchipz]

The Other You - 8

Read it on A03, FF.net, WattPad

< Previous

Before he was cursed with the sinking ship of his father’s company, Adrien loved to sleep in on the weekends. Now, he was lucky to get even half of what he’d usually slept, considering that in addition to his work at Gabriel, it was also the end of the spring semester at his school and the workload was overwhelming. Just a little longer, though, and he’d be free to focus on his ‘help Marinette and finally atone for your sins’ mission full-time. Adrien could hardly wait, which was a little weird considering how much stuff he’d have to learn and do to make that happen.

“What are you grinning about?” Plagg yawned, floating out of his bed-bucket.

Adrien stretched. “Nothing in particular. Just that things are finally starting to look brighter.”

“Lying to your girlfriend to get food out of her is bright?” Plagg scoffed, flying away to the kitchen.

“I haven’t told a single lie, and she isn’t my girlfriend.”

“You kissed her, and you liked it.”

“Can you let it go, Plagg?  We’ve talked about this. It wasn’t—”

“Man, she’s going to hate you even more when she finds out who exactly was kissing her.”

Adrien glared at the pesky creature. “That’s why we aren’t telling her, Plagg.”

“She’ll find out eventually,” the kwami shrugged, stuffing his mouth with his morning dose of Camembert. “Better get ready for it instead of denying the obvious.”

With a growl, Adrien flopped back into his sheets. Pushing Plagg’s words aside, he closed his eyes, trying to focus on his schedule for today. First work, then lunch with Nino, and then… more work. He couldn’t afford to have his weekends off anymore.

“Oh, I know,” Plagg mumbled, finishing his wheel of cheese. “Your high school crush on Princess is coming back. That’s why you’re making dumb decisions—"

“I did not have a crush on Marinette,” Adrien said, sitting up. “I’ve always loved Ladybug.”

“Sure,” Plagg smirked. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“That’s the truth.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Plagg countered, his arms on his hips. “You could afford all the croissants in the world, yet you kept abusing your powers and going to her balcony for treats.”

“That’s because her pastries were amazing, and Marinette was a great company. But that doesn’t mean I had a crush on her.”

“Sure. That’s why you tried to spend as much time as possible with her. And not as Chat only, but as Adrien as well. Ugh! All those blushes and cutesy stuff.” Plagg shivered. “Disgusting.”

“It wasn’t like that, Plagg. We were just friends.”

“And don’t get me started on this whole ‘helping her’ business,” the kwami continued to grumble. “I told you it was insane even then, didn’t I? But no! You had to risk everything for her. Look where it got you. And how did she thank you? She took your heart and trampled it under her feet.”

Adrien fell silent.

“That’s why you didn’t try hard enough to reach out after they cut you off. It wasn’t only your pride that got bruised. Your heart got broken as well.”

“You can think whatever you want,” Adrien mumbled quietly, getting out of bed. “But having a close friend doesn’t mean I have a crush on her. My heart has always belonged to Ladybug.”

Plagg groaned in exasperation and flew off. Adrien went about his morning routine, pushing aside Plagg’s ridiculous claims and letting his thoughts race back to Nino. The prospect of meeting with his former best friend left him confused at best. Thrilled? Not exactly. More like nervous? Anxious? But nevertheless, kind of glad because the rejection and the refusal to let him at least explain himself still stung. Adrien spent years being bitter and resentful about that and had a lot to say. And today he was going to say everything because he didn’t really care about the way this meeting would go. He wasn’t looking to renew the friendship. An explanation, closure and the strength to move on: that was all Adrien wanted.

The day went by tortuously slowly. Hiring a new assistant for Marinette was Adrien’s top priority, but it was proving to be rather difficult. She needed someone highly experienced at this point and not a lot of qualified people wanted to work with a seemingly doomed company Gabriel had become. Scratch “a lot”. “None” would fit better. And to change that would require a ton of work, the size of Adrien was only now starting to realize. He did his best, but even he had his limits and needed breaks to stay sane. That was why, as soon as the clock struck a quarter to noon, Adrien zoomed out of his office and almost sprinted to a nearby café. Five minutes early, he wasn’t surprised to see Nino already there. His former best friend was always one to be on time.

Adrien halted his steps. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. He should have refused. Surely, he can help Marinette without Nino. No need to rip the old wounds open and let them bleed unnecessarily.

Before he could change his mind though, Nino stood up, looking his way. Awkwardly, the pair watched each other for a few moments from a distance until Nino motioned Adrien to sit at his table.

“Do you want small talk, or we could just—”

“Let’s skip it,” Adrien shrugged, settling in the chair.

“Straight to the issue?”

“Why not?”

“I’m all for it.”

“Me too.”

“Would you like to order?” a waiter interrupted.

Both men nodded in unison and took their time placing orders. After the waiter left, no one rushed to break the silence.

“So,” Nino finally gave in. “If we aren’t holding back and telling as it is… I still think you acted like a jerk, but I do owe you an apology because your intuition was right. Working with your father did ruin Marinette’s life. And that…” Nino inhaled deeply, “might actually be an understatement.”

Adrien sighed. “I saw tragedies happen too many times to do nothing. People had nervous breakdowns over a stupid deadline that was set a few days earlier than the actual one anyway. Or over an outfit that was added to the collection at the last minute and the fabric had to be personally flown in from Tibet. Many were doing the work of two or three on a tight schedule because their assistants couldn’t take it anymore and quit. So, just thinking that one of my closest friends could end up in that place… I couldn’t let that happen to her.” Adrien paused, his eyes focusing on the napkin he fidgeted with. “I only tried to protect her from that hell. Nothing else.”

“I can see now why you wanted her away from Gabriel, but you could’ve gone about it a different way, one that didn’t involve sneaking behind her back.”

Adrien nodded. “That’s on me. I should’ve done it differently. But you should've let me explain instead of cutting me off without warning.”

“What are you talking about?” Nino quirked an eyebrow. “You were the one who didn't want anything to do with us.”

“If by me trying to reach you for weeks, begging to let me explain and apologize is what you consider—”

“Let me stop you right there,” Nino interrupted, raising his hand. “What weeks are we talking about here? You sent us a single message in the chatroom that same day before quitting it, and in it, you spelled quite clearly that you had neither desire nor time for such ‘crappy friends’ as us anymore because apparently we neither did nor could understand and support you. Why do you think I never contacted you in all those years? Yes, I was angry with you, but all I needed was time to chill down and think. I would’ve reached out for that explanation eventually. You were my best bud, Adrien. I would’ve never just cut you off like I did unless you wanted that. Unless you asked me to do that, ‘lest I accidentally stumble upon an unwelcome reminder’ if I didn’t block you on all platforms.”

Adrien stared at Nino in confusion. “What are you talking about? I never sent any of you anything like that. I never quit the chatroom. You kicked me out. The three of you were my best friends, and you know how few of those I had. Why on Earth would I ask you to cut me off?”

“Your food, gentlemen.” The waiter placed plates before the men, giving Nino time to reach for his cell phone, open it on a particular screen and pass it to Adrien.

“Take a read for yourself. I’m sure you remember this. No one but the four of us had access to this chatroom, and the message is clearly sent from your account, following the notification that you left the chat.”

Adrien froze, his eyebrows slowly knitting into a frown as he read the words on the screen. Once done, he blankly stared at the device for a few moments before leaning back into his seat. “I didn’t write this. I didn't leave on my own. There has to have been a mistake.”

“Like what? Someone hacked you?”

“I can’t really say,” Adrien frowned. “From my end, I was just kicked out of the chat and blocked everywhere that same evening. Though, I hadn't discovered it until a bit later since I thought giving you time to calm down was a good idea.”

“So you knew we blocked you and still claim you were trying to reach out?”

“I hoped that at least one of you would unblock me eventually and I’d be able to explain.”

Nino huffed. “Why didn't you just seek us out in person?”

“I was busy moving out and working, and Chloe said if you didn't want to talk to me online, you wouldn't want to see me in person.”

Nino raised an eyebrow. “Chloe?”

Adrien shrugged, looking away. “No one else was around to give me advice, and it’s not like she sounded unreasonable.”

They fell in silence for a moment. Nino picked up his fork and started to eat, Adrien following his suit. A few minutes later, Nino asked, “Ever left your phone around her unattended?”

His thoughts rushing back to the past, Adrien nodded. “Never had a reason not to trust her that much.”

“Does she, by any chance, know your password?”

Adrien shrugged. “I never personally gave it to her, but it's not like I hid it either.”

Nino waited until he finished chewing his next bite to comment. “We both know Chloe is capable of sending those messages and quitting the chat on your behalf. She never liked us being friends, and it was awfully out of character of you.”

“That’s a valid possibility.”

Nino focused on his meal for a few more moments before asking, “ You swear you didn’t send those?”

Adrien leaned backwards in his seat. “On my mother’s name.”

Sighing heavily, Nino closed his eyes. “This is so messed up. This whole situation is just… so messed up. And what do we do now?”

"I don’t know," Adrien murmured, looking to the side.

“I guess I owe you another apology.” Nino cleared his throat. “I won’t apologize for getting angry at you. For the way you went about the whole Marinette thing, you deserved it. However, I am sorry for believing you could have sent that message and cutting you off without giving you a chance to defend yourself. I should’ve known you better than that.”

“Fair enough,” Adrien replied. “I do admit I could’ve used a better way to protect Marinette, and I guess I should’ve tried harder to reach out too, instead of assuming you abandoned me at the first opportunity. I’m sorry as well.”

“I appreciate it.” Nino shifted in his chair, picking up his coffee mug. “So, what next?”

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck, leaning back in his seat. “I don’t know? Maybe, let’s start with why you contacted me all of the sudden after all those years? I assume you need info on Marinette?”

“I did, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” Nino shrugged. “Alya’s finally gotten through to her, and they’re having lunch as we speak.”

“So technically we didn’t have to meet?”

“Technically no. But since you already agreed to come, I wanted…” he paused to muse for a second before giving Adrien a shy smile. “Actually, I'm not sure what I wanted, but I was curious to see you again.”

“I hope your curiosity was satisfied?”

“My curiosity is wondering why you look so exhausted on Saturday afternoon?”

“Got a little more than I can handle on my plate at the moment.”

Nino hesitated but still asked, “Need some help?”

“I wish you could help me,” Adrien chuckled. “Thank you, but unless you know how to run a fashion empire, I don't think that's a viable option.”

“I am a quick learner. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

Adrien swallowed. He hadn't been looking for a renewal of their friendship when he was coming here, but… Sitting here, talking to Nino again after all these years, seeing how little he had changed, how caring and understanding and just cool Nino still was… Adrien wondered. “I can always use a friend. I still don’t have many of those… If you want to of course.”

Nino smiled. “Even after everything?”

“I don't think I ever got over you,” Adrien dramatically sighed.

Nino chuckled. “You’re too kind for this world, Adrien. I hope you know that.”

“I did have a friend who used to tell me that all the time. Without him in my life, I haven't heard this in years.”

“I can fill his shoes again if you’re really sure about this.”

“I’m not delusional to think this would be easy. Rebuilding something is bound to have its own issues, especially in our situation.”

“But we can always try.”

“We can.”

Nino stretched his hand to Adrien. “I missed you, bro.”

A smile on his face, Adrien accepted the handshake. “I miss you too, Nino.”

***

With his unexpectedly successful lunch the previous day on his mind, Adrien wanted nothing less than to spend his Sunday visiting the mansion. He’d stalled as much as he could, shopping for groceries, doing his laundry, and even visiting work for half a day. Once the evening drew near, though, he couldn’t excuse himself anymore. An hour’s walk along the Seine helped Adrien come to grips with what he had to do, and soon, he was standing in front of the house he once called home.

“If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it,” Plagg grumbled from his collar.

“I promised Marinette. I have to.”

“Then do it and stop whining.”

Adrien groaned. “You aren’t any help, Plagg.”

“Being helpful isn’t in my job description,” Plagg muttered and relocated to Adrien’s bag. “Wake me up when you’re done standing around, pointlessly staring at the front door.”

Adrien’s shoulders slumped as he sighed dejectedly. Fishing the key out of his pocket, he forced himself to open the door before he could change his mind.

He hadn’t visited ever since he moved out. When his father was alive, it was out of the question. They never reconciled. And after Gabriel's death, his lawyer handled all the necessary procedures without the younger Agreste having to take a single step inside the mansion. It would be put up for sale soon, but for now, Gabriel's possessions were still untouched in the places he’d left them.

Adrien quickly walked through the empty, cold hallway to his father’s office. It hadn’t changed at all: minimalist furnishing, clean design, barren of any comfort and warmth. He paused at his mother’s portrait, making a note to claim it for himself. It was a beautiful piece. His sight shifted to his father’s desk. A few folders and a couple of random things lying atop it. A dead plant in the corner right behind.

Adrien sat in his father’s chair and looked through the folders. None of them were what Marinette needed. He reached for a drawer in the table. Inside were more folders and a slim white box. Pushing the box out of the way, Adrien took the folders out. To his relief, three of those were exactly what he came here for.

“Perfect.” Adrien exhaled and tried to shove the remaining folders back into the drawer. Something was obstructing them. He reached in and pulled the white box out. It was nothing unique, really. A regular box his Father used for his jewelry collection… Yet, even after the files were back in their place, Adrien couldn’t take his eyes off it. Something about the box was just so enigmatic. Something drew him in. Something he couldn’t explain.

He carefully took the lid off.

A bright electric orb exploded in front of him, and a little purple kwami with wings emerged. At first, its eyes were lowered to the floor, but once the creature looked up they widened, mouth falling open.

“Ma-Master?”

“Nooroo! Old pal!” Plagg zoomed out from Adrien’s bag and crushed the little guy in his embrace. “So that’s where you were hiding all this time?”

“Plagg?” Nooroo squeaked.

“Nooroo?” Adrien echoed.

“Yup, my old pal, Nooroo,” Plagg punched the purple kwami’s shoulder. “Hawkmoth’s kwami.”

Adrien sharply inhaled.

Nooroo looked at him and quietly asked, “Where is my Master?”

Adrien could hardly breathe. “What’s the name of your Master?”

"We can't say the names of our wielders to others,” Plagg answered instead. “Some magic stuff I don’t really care about.”

“Can you point to his picture?” Adrien whispered, staring at Nooroo in shock, dreading to hear the answer he suspected he already knew.

Nooroo nodded and stretched his tiny hand in the direction of their family portrait. “The older man,” the kwami said quietly as the world shuddered beneath Adrien’s feet.

Next >

[purrincess-chat]

Quaranteen Hearts CH4

This is for @adrinetteapril day 19: rain if you squint hard enough.

Read on AO3

Chapter 4

Marinette leaned against her fist with a dreamy sigh. Rain pounded on the window as she stared at her latest Instagram post, or, more specifically, a certain comment on her latest Instagram post.

adrienagrestebrand: Whoa! You look amazing! Really pretty, Marinette, I wish I was as talented as you.

“Oh, Alya, he even put a heart emoji!” She squealed, burying her face in her hands and kicking her feet.

“Maybe video chatting with him every day is working, you can thank me for that,” Alya said with a smirk. “Though, to be fair, you are hella pretty. It’s about time he recognized that.”

“Do you really think he’s starting to notice me now because we’ve been chatting so much?” Marinette asked, tugging on a pigtail and biting her lip. “I’ve been doing a lot better with not mixing up my words around him.”

“That’s good. This will be good practice for when you see him in person again,” Alya said, prompting a proud beam from her best friend. “But don’t get too cocky. You still can’t see him for a while, and the last thing you want to do is get overconfident, mess something up, and then crash all the way back to square one. Just play it cool.”

“Right. Play it cool. I can totally do that,” Marinette said, but her best friend gave her a look that was anything but convinced. “I can try really hard to do that.”

“That’s my girl,” Alya said, flicking her gaze down to her phone as it buzzed. “Oh, speaking of, guess who just started an Instagram live?”

Marinette gasped, fumbling for her phone and swiping her passcode in wrong three times before successfully opening Instagram. Even after being in quarantine for a week and wearing pajamas, Adrien was still so dreamy.

“Hey, guys! It’s raining out today, so I thought I’d answer some questions to pass the time since we’re all stuck inside,” he said.

“He’s doing a Q&A, this is so awesome! We can totally pick his brain to see what he thinks of you,” Alya said with a wicked grin, and Marinette, too lost in her own fantasy, took a moment to register the intent behind those words.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Marinette turned back to her monitor.

“I’ll send out the signal to the girls, and we can totally ask him tricky questions to get him to admit what he thinks of you,” Alya said, already texting the others.

“Yes!” Marinette said, but her eyes widened in horror. “Wait, no! What if he says he doesn’t like me!”

“Chill, we’ll play it cool,” Alya said, holding up reassuring hands, and Marinette curled into a ball in her chair as she tuned back in.

“My favorite sport? Uhh, probably fencing. I’ve been doing it since I was little, but I like a lot of sports,” Adrien was saying, and Marinette’s heart skipped when she saw Alya’s name flash by in the comments.

“Oh, Alya’s here, what’s up?” He said, a smile curling on his lips.

“He noticed you!” Marinette said, her head snapping up.

“Yeah, girl, he knows me, so naturally my name is going to stand out among dozens of strangers,” Alya said with an eye roll as Marinette chewed her nails. “Trust me.”

“Hey, Alix and Rose are here too,” he said with increasing excitement. “And Juleka and Mylene, hey girls! How is quarantine?” He paused to read more comments. “Aww, sorry your brother is driving you crazy, Alix. I wish I had a sibling to keep me company. I’ve been video chatting with Marinette every day to stay sane. Is she here right now?”

“Don’t say anything!” Alya ordered as Marinette began to type.

“Why?” Marinette’s eyebrows knitted together.

“Because if he knows you’re here, he might not answer the way we want him to. Just trust me,” Alya said, and Marinette backspaced over her message.

“How am I holding up during all of this? Uhh, okay, I guess. I’m not allowed outside, but talking to my friends every day has helped. Thanks for asking, Rose,” he said, and Marinette’s heart jumped up to her throat when Alya’s reply flashed on the screen.

Nah, Marinette isn’t here she’s helping her parents fill pick-up orders at the bakery

“Oh, Marinette’s not here,” Adrien said, and Marinette swore, and Alya later confirmed, he deflated a little. “That’s okay. That’s awesome that they’ve been able to reopen doing limited contact orders online. I should ask Gorilla to order me some of her dad’s croissants.”

“Maybe Marinette could bake them for you!” Rose said.

“That would be awesome. Marinette’s are really good too,” he chuckled.

“Have you been enjoying talking to her every day?” Alya asked.

Marinette held her breath, and Alya cast her an amused grin.

“Totally! Marinette is super awesome, and I’ve been really happy to get the chance to talk to her more. We’re in the same class and hang out in the same group sometimes, but it’s rare that she and I get to talk one-on-one, so it’s been fun,” he said, taking a sip of water. “Adriens#1fan, am I dating anyone right now? Uhh, no.”

“Oh, yes! That’s good,” Alya said.

“It is?” Marinette tilted her head to the side.

“Yes. It means that he and Kagami aren’t together,” Alya said with an eye roll, and Marinette nodded in understanding.

“Ohhh.”

“Okay, that was a really convenient question, now time to dig a little deeper,” Alya said, and Marinette shrieked when her next question appeared in the comments.

“Alya!” She scolded.

Hey, fun question: if you could date anyone in the class, who would you pick?

“Shhh! Let’s see what he says,” Alya hissed, and Marinette hid her face in her knees.

“Haha, Alya, are you trying to get me in trouble?” He laughed.

No way! It’s just for fun.

“I don’t know! That’s hard. You’re all so great,” he said, but after a few egging comments from her friends, he pursed his lips. “Well, Alya, you’re dating my best bud, and I can’t do that to him, so can’t be you, and same with Mylene and Ivan. Kim’s dating Ondine, so that wouldn’t work, and Nathaniel and Marc are together…” He tapped his chin.

“So many of you guys are already dating! That basically leaves me Sabrina, Chloe, Lila, Max, and Alix, and Alix would probably break my arm if I picked her,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Chloe’s an old friend, and she’s like a sister to me, Lila…isn’t really my type. Chloe would eat Sabrina alive if I picked her, but I don’t think Max feels that way about anyone either.”

“What about Marinette?” Mylene offered.

“Okay, okay, here we go,” Alya said, and Marinette fidgeted in her chair. “Shh!”

“Marinette? No, she’s dating Luka, I thought?” Adrien cocked his head.

“Ugh! That’s our problem. Adrien hasn’t considered you because he thinks you’re with Luka! We’ve got to clear that up right now,” Alya said, furiously typing, and Marinette watched several messages from her friends flash on the screen.  

She’s single!

They’re just friends

She’s not dating anyone

She doesn’t feel that way about him!

“Really? I thought they were together. They seem into each other,” Adrien said, scratching his head. “Marinette just sees him as a friend, okay, I didn’t realize she was single all this time, so I guess, yeah, if I had to pick someone in our class, it would be Marinette. She’s a good friend, so I’m sure we’d have a ton of fun together.”

“Girl!” Alya beamed as Marinette melted into a screaming puddle on the floor.

“Don’t tell her I said that!” Adrien pleaded, cheeks pink. “This was just for fun.”

No worries! Your secret is safe with us ;)

Marinette covered her face with her hands as noises that only dogs could hear escaped her lungs. She didn’t care about the virus. She was going to hug her friends the next time she saw them.

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Sizzy Rocket.

Sizzy Rocket has released her third studio album, ANARCHY. The 10-track album includes previous heavy-hitting singles, 'That Bitch,' 'Smells Like Sex,' and 'Rollerskating,' as well as 7 brand new tracks.

To create ANARCHY, Sizzy rented locations in Laurel Canyon and Downtown LA, where she lived, wrote, and recorded the album over the course of 8 days. By fully immersing herself in the world of ANARCHY, Sizzy was able to deliver her most confident and authentic work to date. The record is full of bold and evocative surprises at every turn, juxtaposing slow burners like 'Spill My Guts' with in-your-face anthems like 'Straight To Mars' (feat. Wes Period).

Sizzy challenges what it means to be a pop artist in 2020. Rather than holding herself to a rigid set of standards, she constantly pushes the limits of her own musicality and creativity, ruthlessly coloring outside the lines in the process. Since her 2016 debut album THRILLS, Sizzy has built up a rabid online fanbase. Over the past few years she has continued to deliver beloved records, like her 2017 mixtape, Hot Summer, and her 2019 sophomore album, GRRRL, the latter of which was supported with a sold-out US tour. When she’s not writing her next hit record, Sizzy is trading fan mail with her cult, building her independent record label Lost Chrrry, designing and packaging her own merchandise, creating and distributing zines, and booking her own tours.

We had a chat with Sizzy all about ANARCHY, her DIY approach, her dream girl supergroup and more! Read the interview below.

Hi Sizzy! How are you? How have you been keeping yourself sane during this pandemic?

"I've been keeping sane by slowing wayyyyy down. I've been taking my time making breakfast in the morning, staying in the bubble bath for a full hour, meditating, reading a lot... those kinds of things."

You've just released your new album ANARCHY. What can you tell us about the record and what does it mean to you?

"I can say that it's aggressive — the record top to bottom is a pretty wild ride, an emotional rollercoaster. This album means everything to me. It came out in one big creative burst and we wrote and recorded the whole thing in 8 days. It's like I needed to express this and physically get this chaotic energy out of my body."

How is ANARCHY different (or similar) to your previous two full lengths Thrills and Grrrl? Were there any musical influences that you were able to incorporate on this record that you hadn’t previously?

"I definitely took the reins with ANARCHY in a way that I never have before. I immersed myself in the production and directed the whole thing. THRILLS I had no creative control over and GRRRL felt more like feeling around in the dark. Making ANARCHY I felt like I knew what I was doing, for once. I knew what I wanted."

What was your favourite part recording ANARCHY? Did you learn anything new during the creative/recording process this time around?

"My favorite part was just being "in" it. I lived at both locations where we were recording, so I would wake up and just go and go and go until I had to kick everyone out and go to sleep again. I think being immersed in the work and in the world of ANARCHY was essential. It definitely lent itself to the intensity of the record."

What do you hope fans will take away from ANARCHY?

"I hope it fuels you to envision a brighter future and express your truest selves! In the face of anything!"

You have a DIY approach to everything you do as an artist. How important is that to you and why?

"Being DIY wasn't really a choice - it's just that no one was executing the work the way that I needed them to! Details are important to me. So is presentation. Everything I do has meaning, and you're just not going to find that depth or that level of care in the corporate world. So fine — I'll be DIY. I’m never ever going to compromise who I am."

Outside of your solo work, you've also written for all the cool girls of pop, from Noah Cyrus to Bea Miller. Would you say it's easier or more challenging to write for other artists?

"It's just a different experience all together! I love working with other artists and helping them tell their story. But I was itching to tell mine, which is why I started focusing on my own music."

If you were to form a supergroup with other female pop artists, who would you pick and why?

"Ooooooo. I mean, I think me, Caroline Polachek, Charli XCX, and Kim Petras would be an insane supergroup!!!"

If there was one thing you could change about the music world today, what would it be?

"It's a strange time for music and being a new artist. The balance of power in the music world is fucked, which is why I stepped out of it, created my own label, and now operate in my own world."

And finally, what do you have planned for the rest of the year and beyond? I expect you’re excited to get out on the road to tour the album when it is safe to do so?

"I’m going to be on tour the SECOND it's safe to do so! But we have a lot of special content and some merch goodies coming this year. Get your record players ready!"

ANARCHY is out now.

Photo credit: Terri Thomas

[nancypullen]

Where Is Home?

We talk about retirement a lot.  A LOT.  The mister wants out of the south because he hates the hot, sticky weather.  I want out of the south for a variety of different reasons.  He tears up when he thinks about leaving this house.  I get excited thinking of a house with better storage, maybe even a walk-in closet and a big pantry.  He loves the idea of townhouse living and all of the freedom it provides.  I love the idea of half a football field between me and a neighbor.  I wouldn’t mind being snug against a neighbor if we were in a walkable little town and I could have a white picket fence.  As we age into our golden years I want to be on city water and city sewer.  I do not want to be ninety when the well runs dry or the septic system has a fit.  Nope. No, thank you.  We have discussed towns from Maine to Arizona and are constantly trading articles about property taxes and real estate markets.  Night after night I search Zillow, Realtor, Trulia (oh, those handy dandy crime maps!) and so on.  I’ll send Mickey a house in Maryland to admire and mention that it’s just two hours from the world’s cutest grandgirl.  He responds that he loves it.  Then I send him a townhouse near Tucson and he says the same thing.  I’m getting nowhere with this guy. Side note: Yes, I know Arizona gets very hot, but it is not humid. HUGE difference. Also, Arizona has two enormous positives - we could escape allergies and my hair would behave.   If you had my hair you’d know that’s more important than the property taxes.  Two major negatives would be that it’s too far from family and I can’t imagine never experiencing another autumn. I’m happily willing to give the townhouse idea serious consideration.   I know that Mickey would love to never weed eat and edge another yard.  Remember the good old days when no one did that?  My main issue with townhouses is that they all tend to be multiple stories - sometimes three floors.  Wherever we retire, that’s where we’re going to die.  I don’t want to be unable to navigate my own home when I’m old.  Same reason I refuse to have a basement laundry, I don’t want to drag baskets of clothes up and down basement stairs when I’m a little old lady.  You know damn well a cat would trip me and Mickey wouldn’t miss me until he got hungry.  Of all the chores I’d be willing to expire while doing, laundry is not in the top three. We’re not lottery winners so our options are limited.  When we sell this house we’ll make a tasty profit that will allow us to find a comfortable home - nothing fancy, but we won’t be in a box under bridge.  I can make any home pretty, but the bones have to be good.  I’m more concerned with structure and mechanics.  Who needs a beautiful house with a bad roof or an hvac system on its last leg?   The region definitely determines what you get for your money.  For the same price you can have this sort of square footage in the south (complete with inground pool)...

or you can opt for proximity to Portland, Maine and get this.

The second house is new construction, but it’s itty bitty, has well water and septic, and is missing the all-important garage that we’d need up north.  This is a struggle, people.  We just want a nice little house in a nice little town, hopefully one that will meet our needs as we get older. Other items on our wish list?  Small town living with easy access to a larger city and a decent international airport.  Part of my hunt includes exploring each town’s library website (a vibrant, busy library says a lot about a place) as well as their Facebook page.  Looking past the mouthy keyboard warriors that lurk on every page, you can still get a good idea of the town’s vibe.  Let’s see - fair property taxes, decent cost of living, small town feel, good airport, seasons...sounds like we should stay put and just endure long, sticky summers, right?  Ugh, no.  Our reasons for wanting to relocate are so much more than just the summers.  Soooo, months and months of searching keep leading me to one state that ticks all of our boxes and then some.  Minnesota.  A myriad of cute towns surround Minneapolis and St. Paul, all with easy access to the fabulous airport.  I’m crazy about New Ulm (I love a town with lots of festivals) and I wouldn’t be heartbroken to live in Mankato, Owatonna, or a number of others.  Real estate is affordable, taxes are fair (and are used wisely!), all four seasons are present and accounted for, and quality of life seems really good - from healthcare to education to crime, they seem to have a handle on it.

and you knew there was a but, right?  We could happily move there knowing that we’d be close to at least one of our kids.  Matt lives in Minneapolis and the thought of having him nearby warms my heart.  But he’s weighing the pros and cons of an opportunity that would take him to the east coast and more likely to far flung parts of the world. It’s quite possible that he’d be gone in a flash and we’d be in Minnesota, once again far from family. Right now we’re a day’s drive from everyone except Matt. Truly, we could do it in a day but it would be a miserable thirteen to fourteen hours. I have scoured Maryland and settled on a little place called Ocean Pines.  It’s okay, a bit further than I’d like to be from airports, etc -  it’s between two to two and a half hours to Baltimore, D.C. or Philadelphia’s.  That also means it’s just two hours from my favorite little girl. That would be HEAVEN.  But who retires to one of the most expensive states to live in?  Would it make our golden years miserable?  Who wants to pinch pennies when you should be enjoying life?  HELP!!  Where is home?  I left Alaska more than twenty years ago, the mister was a Florida boy -  we don’t want to live in either place.  I love the prairie,  he loves the mountains.  At one point we were looking at real estate on Prince Edward Island  (affordable and gorgeous!) but Canada doesn’t want us. Seriously, we filled out the online immigration form.  We wouldn’t be able to live there year round  and I can’t imagine having to go squat across the border for a couple of months every year once we’re old and rickety.   There are pros and cons to every place we’ve looked.  No spot is perfect and we have to decide what we can and can’t live without.  If someone could just plop this house down next to my grandbaby I’ll shut up about this forever.

Imagine that house surrounded by hydrangeas in the summer.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask - just a little pink house near some people I love.  Some snow would be nice now and then. What a lovely dream. This boring blog post has been brought to you courtesy of my latest level of boredom.  It was either this or go dust the bedrooms, so you had to pay the price for my laziness.   My plan for this evening is to watch the Golden Globes and through that maybe find something interesting to watch.  We’re approaching the first anniversary of when we locked down here on the Pullen spread and we’ve run out of shows to binge.  Remember how naïve we all were when we thought we’d watch Tiger King and then lockdown would be over?  At least we’re headed in the right direction now.  That’s something.  I’m thrilled that my mother is fully vaccinated and so is Dr. Matt.  A handful of my dear friends are also protected now.  I’ve lost some friends to this horrible virus, including the husband of a dear Rat Patrol member.  Our little group now includes a widow for the first time. There’s been so much heartbreak over the last year.  I’m ready for it to stop. Okay - what a crazy, rambling post.  I think I’ll go dust.  It’s probably more productive.  If you’re still here, you deserve a cookie.  Treat yourself!  If you happen to know of the perfect town (I really just want to live in Stars Hollow) send me a message!  I’ll put my dust rag down and check it out! Sending out lots of love on this drippy Saturday. Stay safe, stay well, stay sane. XOXO - Nancy

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 58

~*~Sebastian~*~

The video call with Emma's family had been good until the last sentence. I wasn't sure if Andrea was legitimately saying she hoped we'd be together or questioning if we would. From the look on Emma's face, she was going with option two. Now I was slightly suspicious Eli's dislike for them wasn't unfounded.

It wasn't late when Emma called. I put my script on the table and stretched out on the couch before connecting the call. I stopped before a word left my mouth.

Emma said, "Hey."

"This is not the same happy face I saw less than two hours ago." She looked exhausted. While her puffy red eyes could be from the pool, I doubted it was chlorine. She'd been crying. A knot formed in my stomach. I spoke quietly, "What's going on, baby?"

What followed was a strange story of her parents ignoring her to talk to Amy then telling Emma she should pretend her life sucks so her sister won't do drugs. Oversimplified, but accurate.

Dammit, Eli was right.

Emma went back and forth between angry and sad. I honestly don’t know which was worse, but I didn't like either of them. A wave of protectiveness washed over me and I wanted to jump on a plane to go get her. She didn't need saving now any more than she did in the bar after the volleyball tournament. The difference was either I was there just in case she needed me at the bar or possibly my feelings for her were stronger now. Or both.

At the end of the story, she said, "It's not always this bad. Most of the time it's fine, besides the walking on eggshells. I didn't say anything because I try to be optimistic. If I come down here thinking the worst, I’m reading into everything and paranoid about everything I say. It only makes things worse. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad."

I double blinked, "Mad? I’m not mad at you. I’m pissed as hell at them. Your best friend kind of hates them. Your sister's a heroin addict and your parents signed over custody of you to a rock star who lived on the other side of the country. I never thought this was a vacation. You said I didn't need to worry, but I did anyway. I am going to need Eli's phone number so I can apologize for thinking he was an ass about your parents."

I felt better when she smiled, "He'll enjoy that and never let you forget."

"Never letting you forget stupid shit is the basis of most male friendships." I switched back to serious for a second, "Do you wanna leave? Say the word and I'll book the flight and talk to you until the Uber gets there. Meet you at the airport here and we'll lock ourselves in my apartment until we have to leave Sunday. Hell, you can just stay here and hideout. Maybe rearrange some more of my drawers."

"As wonderful as it sounds, no. Not tonight anyway. Amy and I will have a good time tomorrow. I'd feel bad running off. Sunday there will be family buffers. Monday, I don't know. Mom will be doing exams Tuesday while I'm with the girls." She shook her head, "I already severely limit my time here."

"Em, it's ok to not want to be around people who make you feel bad. Even if they're family. It's shitty, but it's your choice."

"Visit when my guilt about not visiting outweighs the potential bad time when I visit."

"I don't recommend guilt." I looked at her thinking what a shit situation this was.

"I don't want to fight to just be myself. Shouldn't be this difficult. I can understand them wanting to protect Amy, but I feel like they don't want to hear about me."

I couldn't fix this as much as I wanted to. "Last night when you knew I'd been upset did you feel incredibly helpless? Even though talking to me while I could see you was enough."

"Yep." She yawned. "I was out by the lake. I came back where it was light and we could see each other. We have good phone calls."

I agreed. Phone calls, even video calls, can feel distant or impersonal. Not for us. I'm used to keeping friendships going over the phone. If I couldn't have real conversations on the phone, I wouldn't be sane. "You’re tired."

"I don't want to hang up."

"Not going to. What was your favorite bedtime story when you were little?"

She looked at me like I was a little crazy. Not inaccurate. "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree."

"I want you to go upstairs and get into bed. While you’re doing that, I’m going to find Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree. Then I'm going to read to you until you fall asleep."

“You’re going to read me a bedtime story?”

I most definitely was. I nodded with a smile.

“Best boyfriend ever.”

“Trying.” I could tell she was getting up. “I’m going to be quiet so you can sneak in.”

“My parents are awake in the family room. I have to walk through.”

“Just pretend you're sneaking me to your bedroom after a date. Put me in your pocket.”

She laughed and then the screen went dark. I could hear muffled voices. “I’m going to bed.”

“Amy said to be ready to leave at ten.”

“Sounds good. Night.”

“Sleep well. We love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Hmmm. Her voice didn’t hold the warmth those words should have. Not the way I’d want to hear them.

Less than a minute later I was out of her pocket. “I need the bathroom. I’m going to let you hang out in bed.”  She was quiet, but I could see she was concentrating on something. “Enjoy.”

Emma dropped the phone on the bed and I was staring at the ceiling when my text notification went off. Oh . . . the naked on a pool float picture. Peachless. Also, bikini bottomless. I was still smiling when the real girl came back on camera. “Nice ass.”

She crawled under the covers and propped her phone against the pillow next to her. “Remarkably self-conscious.”

“Then why’d you send it?” From the drinking game, I knew she’d sent nudes to someone before.

“Wasn’t self-conscious until after I sent. At the time it was fun and flirty. I knew you’d like it. After I hit send I thought I should make sure.”

“No, you were right I like it. A lot. Want a picture of my ass?”

“Your naked is ass is online and on film.”

“Bonus for you! Everything will be soon enough.” I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

“Really? Full frontal?”

“Not sure how full, but frontal. The movie I shot in Greece. Talk about self-conscious.”

“I tell you what. When your full-frontal comes out, I’ll send you full-frontal. We’ll be even.”

“Now I’m looking forward to the release.”  A dirty smile formed on my face, “Do I get to take it?”

“I don’t know who else would.”

I scrunched up my face because that hurt in all the good ways. I’m supposed to be reading a bedtime story not getting a hard-on. Guess where gonna see if I can do both at the same time. “Time for sleep.”

She smiled and tucked her hands under her pillow. I like seeing her relaxed like this even better than the naked pool picture. “You look so pretty curled up.”

“Did you remember to turn on the screenshot function?”

“I did.” I took one right now. “I’ll go sleep to that.”  

Winnie-the-Pooh sat down at the foot of the tree, put his head between his paws and began to think. First of all he said to himself: “That buzzing-noise means something. You don’t get a buzzing-noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without its meaning something. If there’s a buzzing-noise, somebody’s making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing-noise that I know of is because you’re a bee.”

Then he thought another long time, and said: “And the only reason for being a bee that I know of is making honey.”

And then he got up, and said: “And the only reason for making honey is so as I can eat it.” So he began to climb the tree.

I kept reading until I was sure she was asleep. Instead of hanging up, I hit mute and put my phone on the arm of the chair where I could see her while I worked. I kept watch until she changed positions and knocked the phone onto the screen.

First thing in the morning, before heading to the gym, I sent her one of the pictures I took of her sleeping.

Sebastian ~ Hope your day is as peaceful as you look here.

Emma ~ Thank you. For everything. Listening, talking, bedtime story.

Sebastian ~ Confession. Didn't know Pooh before last night.

Emma ~ We can watch next time we're together.

Sebastian ~ Cuddled up watching Winnie the Pooh sounds good. Have fun today.

Emma ~ Have fun with the guys tonight.

 The next time I checked my phone, after working out, I had half a dozen text messages. All from Evans.

Chris ~ Yo!

Chris ~ Wake up

Chris ~ Lazy fucker

Chris ~ Are you home?

Chris ~ I’m in NYC

Chris ~ Let me know

Sebastian ~ Ass. I was at the gym. Chace is in town too. Meeting for drinks about five. Dinner. More drinks. You should come. I'd love to see you.

Chris ~ Sounds great. Tell me where.

 I sent him the address and was more excited about my night. Will, Chace, and now Chris were doing before dinner drinks then we'd meet up with the others. I'd made a ton of progress with the new role. After my shower I made some more notes, alternating with checking Instagram when I got a notification Emma had posted. A group walking down a dock pulling a couple of coolers was labeled, "Load in." A shot all of them on the boat. Emma was wearing the same bikini from yesterday with a pair of cutoffs. A couple of hours later she posted multiple pictures of them tubing, people sitting around laughing, others in the water, and a couple of them laying out on the deck. None of those had my girl. The next batch did. Same sort of pictures, but with her in.

This was much better than last night. She looked like she was having fun. The last one before I headed to meet the guys was her, Amy, and who I assume was Amy's boyfriend. He was in the middle. Emma's caption read, "Someone is missing."

I commented, "Miss you too."

I ran into Chace right outside the bar. We hugged and gave each other shit about our matching beards. We kept up the teasing and laughing all the way to the table. Will and Chris were already seated and had ordered beers. Chris downed half his beer in one drink, "Seb, man, you stood me up. I mean, I get helping your parents move."

Will laughed. Chace cocked his head to the side and smiled. Chris looked at them before turning his attention back to me, "What have you done?"

I put my beer down slowly. "Yeah, about that. I may have left out a bit. I was helping my parents move, but that's not why I stayed."

Chris put his hand on my shoulder, "You met a girl."

"I met a girl. We'd had a great first date and I wasn't ready to leave. I wanted to get to know her better."

Chris looked up like he was thinking, "I'm good with that." His eyes came back, "Still seeing her?"

I couldn't have stopped my smile if I'd tried. "Yeah. Emma."

Chris smiled, "Nice."

Chace looked at Will, "You knew this and didn't bust him in our group chat?"

Will shrugged, "Trust me, it's more fun this way." He shifted his eyes to me for a second before looking back to Chace with a smirked, "You've met her."

Chace pointed to himself, "I’ve met her?"

Will continued, "At Kirk's wedding she was with the singer from Boone's band and his wife."

I watched him search his memory, "Didn't I hit on her?"

"Why did you say that out loud?

Chace snickered, "To see him make that face."

Not sure what face I was making, but I changed it.

"I thought they were in a throuple."

I rolled my eyes, "Not a throuple."

"How is that even a word?" Chris screwed up his face.

Will handed Chace his phone, "This is her Instagram Emma_plays_90"

Unless Emma had updated the first was another throuple.

"Sister?"

"Twin."

Both smirked, "Nice."

Chace asked, "Which is yours?"

"Polka dot bikini."

They scrolled back in her timeline, turning the phone toward me when they got to the peach one.

Chris raised one eyebrow, "Please, tell me you have the uncensored version."

I nodded. Smiling again.

Chace handed Will his phone back, "You have better on your phone. Hand it over."

I knew this would happen and had left the naked one in my texts. I had to stand up to dig my phone out of my pocket. I had it unlocked and the folder full of her open when I got a text.

Emma ~ Tell Chris hi and nice to meet him.

I looked up. Chris was on his phone. "What did you do?"

Chris did a shit job of pretending to look innocent. "Does Instagram notify someone if you follow them?"

"If their account is set to private and they have to approve you, yes, it does." Another text.

Emma ~ And Chace...

I glared at him. He shrugged, "0oops."

"Now she knows we're talking about her." No idea why I said that. Of course, she knows we're talking about her.

Will looked exasperated, "She already knew."

Chace chuckled, "She DM’d me. Hope your pick-up lines have improved." He sat there saying each word as he replied, "I'd like to say they have, but probably not."

Will smacked the back of Chace's head, "Stop it. You know how he gets."

One of the side effects of insecurity is jealousy. I get jealous. And in an all-time dick move I don't like it when girlfriends get jealous. I think that falls under the topic of commitment issues. I shook my head at Will, "Not jealous. It's this combination of annoyed that I could have met her a year ago and relief I didn't because things would have gone very differently. I was not ready for Emma a year ago."

"How'd you get ready?"

One of the things Chris and I have in common is relationship and commitment issues. I had no trouble answering, "Years of therapy finally came together. I managed to step outside my walls and she ... she has this way of working around my anxiety. Makes it ok."

I handed over my phone, scrolled back to the beginning with the fish.

Chace winked at Chris, "Told ya the good ones were on his phone."

They scrolled through, stopping to look at each other before turning the phone around to me. It was on the deck at her place. She was sitting at the table, her leg pulled up with her foot on the seat, smiling at me. She'd looked beautiful in the fading light. The smile, the look on her face, still made my heart skip a beat. Any man would love to have a woman look at him the way she was looking at me. That was day four. It’s even better now.

Chris turned the phone back toward them, "You should have led with you'd blown me off because you met a beautiful woman who looks at you like you hung the fucking moon."

I shook my head, "I met a very kind and amazing woman who just happens to be beautiful."

Chace asked, "How'd you meet?"

"She thought I was a drug addict getting snacks before checking into the rehab place up the road. She

helped me find chocolate chips for mom to make fudge."

Chris looked surprised then smiled, "That's a good story."

"Nice, but makes questionable choices." Chris grabbed Chace’s hand to turn the phone back around.

Chace kept scrolling, "This hers? She have a kid?"

Not sure why the pictures are out of order. "No, one of her students. She teaches first grade."

Chris started laughing, his hand went to his chest, "This is perfect. I couldn't do this better."

I was lost, "What are you talking about?"

Chris waved his hand around, "Issues aside and knowing you're not always the good guy in the relationship. The Seb I know," He pointed to Chace and Will, “we know, is kind, sensitive, and has a big ole soft heart. Every time you date someone, I get scared. Legit terrified. I’m afraid every girl is going to break you, change you, and you won’t be sweet Seb anymore. When I think of a teacher, especially a first-grade teacher, I think patient, kind, empathetic, flexible but firm. If I was setting you up on a blind date, I'd look for those qualities. This could be perfect."

"Emma is all those things. And accepting. I had a panic attack the other night. She didn't bitch about me not waking her, or ask a million questions, she just asked what I needed to be ok. I needed a run. I came back and she was upside down on my couch and had switched my sock and underwear drawers. She took none of it on, just took care of me."

"Refreshing," Chris said and the others agreed.

"I took care of her after she got to her parents."

Will winced, "Eli right to hate them?"

My eyes went wide, "They ignored her to talk about Amy's boyfriend, and told her to pretend her life sucks so Amy won't do drugs and relapse."

Will grimaced, "Yeah, Eli is right."

I filled in the holes for Chace and Chris.

Chace frowned, "You’re supposed to go to rehab for cocaine?"

Chris put his hand over his mouth and pretended to look surprised, "Oops."

Chace again, "I picture a first-grade teacher as sweet and innocent. No cursing, drinking, and kinda shy with sex."

I lifted an eyebrow. The same side of my mouth curving up. "I get that, but no." I pulled my eyebrows down, pursed my lips, and shook my head. "I do like Monday mornings when she comes down looking like a first-grade teacher."

Chace leaned forward, "Are you in love with her?" He started to smile.

I hesitated and Will spoke up, "If you say anything besides yes you're a worse liar than you are an actor."

"That's harsh." I rubbed my hand over my beard. "Falling in love, yes. Haven't quite been pushed

over the edge."

"How long have you known her?" From Chace.

"Three weeks."

Chris was shaking his head," You don't need months to know what's right for you. Don't overthink it. If she's ticking all your boxes, your heart flutters when you see here, and her smile takes your breath away, it's long enough. Don't waste a second. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world, just fucking enjoy.”

Chace held his hand out, palm up, waving from Chris to me. "For the record, I wasn't going to give you shit. I was just curious."

The conversation changed to what had been going on with them. Chace was doing some anti-superhero Amazon series. Chris was signed on for an Amazon series too. Apparently, the future is Amazon. The beers kept coming and we were lit when Chris asked our servers to take a picture. He texted it to the three of us and we posted it to Instagram at the same time. Complete with a countdown. Because drunk boys.

We wove our way the block to the restaurant. Our group more than doubled in size. Dinner sobered us up. It was a good time. We were loud for no other reason than talking across a long table. Ok, we were a little loud anyway. Next was another bar. We got even louder there. The value of a night out with the guys should never be underrated. Being idiots and taking the piss out of each other was good for the soul, and bad for the liver. We closed the bar down, loading into cabs in groups heading in the same direction.

I barely remember getting home. The next morning, I woke up with a raging headache. First order of the day was Advil and a bottle of water. Second was checking in on Emma. After the bar, the first one, I hadn't checked my phone again. She knew how to reach me if she needed me. I'd figured she was having fun like I was. From the pictures and videos on Instagram plus the ones she'd texted me, I was right. They’d gone back to her parents after the boat and had a pool party.

[independentartistbuzz]

Good Music, Good News 3.0

We continue to be touched and moved by the depth of sharing and Good News that is coming from the Cyber PR Music camp.  Nd we are not surprised.  Ariel and her team have sent us some of our favorite gems over the years. We are pleased to bring you part 3 of our 4 part series.

Please Follow the Spotify Playlist below to hear all of these amazing tracks.

[HERE]

Thanks to all of the artists who shared their music AND their good news.

Mara Measor | “Love Will Find You”

Is Now An Expectant Mother During A Global Pandemic

I had a miscarriage back in February, right before the pandemic hit. Then was able to get pregnant again a few months later! We had another scare at our first ultrasound and was flagged with a higher risk of our baby having chromosomal abnormalities, but upon further tests the concerns were cleared. And I'm finally getting used to the idea of having a baby boy next year. It's been such a roller coaster, but I'm riding it. :)

John Ellis on behalf of Val Starr & The Blues Rockets | “Whether Blues (2020)”

Experienced Loss, Family Members With COVID & Made Music To Heal

Our daughter-in-law came down with Covid and is still fighting it, and our granddaughter Ariella tested positive as well, but being eight years old, she didn't really exhibit any symptoms.  Lost a couple of friends to pneumonia and strokes, cancer in some other friends, car accidents wracked up a good friend, and then the election happened.  Life rolls on, faith in our Higher Power keeps us sane, and had a lot of time to work on recordings this year. Val Starr, my wife and bandmate, has written a great blues song that we'd like to share with you about all of us pulling it back together again.  Called "Whether Blues" , whether you're right, whether you're wrong, don't mean a thing till we get along"

Tabitha Chapman | “Celebrity Boyfriend”

Got A Publishing Deal

I am immensely grateful to God that despite the hardship, sorrows, pains and restrictions that typified the year 2020, I was able to release 3 singles, and I also got myself a publisher.

Valerie Romanoff | “Pink Skies over Still Water”

Created An Online Music Festival About Mindfulness & Meditation

Without the hustle of preparing and traveling for my live events with the Starlight Orchestra, I stayed home and developed a way to share the energy and messages in my Healing Music albums. I came up with an online show called "Groove Into Bliss: Musical Meditation & More" where my guests and I talked about the benefits of relaxing and releasing stress, the power of music to open the channels to well-being, and offered guided meditations.  We spoke of tips and tools for positive thinking, manifesting the life we desire, and the many ways we can use music to boost our joy! Through the online show I made many connections and was invited to be a guest on many high-vibe broadcasts and events, and I was invited to wrote a chapter in an upcoming book titled “The Wellness Universe Guide To Complete Self-Care: 25 Tools For Happiness.”

Apostrophe Music | “Keep the Hope Alive!”

Released Home-Recorded Music During The Pandemic

I released whilst we were in the heart of the lockdown during the month of April. As India went into a historic lockdown with over 1 Billion people being asked to stay indoors, the air of anxiousness and uncertainty brought out this song called Keep The Hope Alive! The only feeling we all had at that moment in time. 

I felt like it was a message that needed to get out there and once we recorded it out of my home studio (no access to studios because of the curfew lockdown situation) I posted the song on to Youtube and Facebook with a video and subsequently after that we did an official audio release in July. So this is the story about this song I released as the whole world went into lockdown.

Len Seligman

Turned The Tragedy of Losing His Mother Into Beautiful Songwriting

Like a lot of songwriters, I was moved to write a song about COVID-19. While neither my health nor economic situation suffered, the pandemic made it so that I could only visit my mother a couple of times in the last 6 months of her life, despite her living just 20 minutes away. She died in September at the age of 97.

When I looked inside to see what story I wanted to tell about the pandemic, I quickly knew that it would be about the beautiful ways people have shown up for one another. Yes, there's been enormous suffering, but it's also been extraordinary to see the tremendous upwelling of compassion that the suffering has brought out. That is what inspired this song.

Steve Andrews | “Where Does All The Plastic Go?”

Had A Successful Release That Led To Idea for Ocean Aid Concerts

My song “Where Does All The Plastic Go?” is getting included on playlists on Spotify, getting great reviews, and opening doors for me in unexpected places. This is wonderful because I'm thinking big and also came up with the idea for Ocean Aid Concerts to raise awareness of threats to the oceans. I am leading the way with songs on the subject of plastic pollution and my song could be included in any concerts that happen.

Richard Strange | “Christmas of Hope”

Used Hopeful Christmas Anthem To Fundraise for Charity

We (Musicians Together & Sweet Charity Choir) released Christmas of Hope, a single produced in aid of Help Musicians UK, last Friday December. We are donating the proceeds to Help Musicians UK, a charity that you may be aware of, specifically to their 3rd hardship fund. Some quotes from the charity's CEO, James Ainscough: “Music has been a unifying force that’s supported and entertained us all this year, more than ever before.” "But for tens of thousands of music creators across the UK the impact of lockdown and social distancing on their ability to earn, to create and to connect, has been disastrous for their finances and mental health.” "This 99-year-old charity has been in the privileged position of financially supporting over 21,000 musicians this year and we couldn’t have done it without the generous help of music lovers across the length and breadth of the country.”

Jody Whitesides | “A Perfect Man”

Created Deeper Relationships With Fans

I have been changing my approach to music this year. In doing so it increased the response I got from people on social media and via email. The most powerful thing was having a female fan tell me that the song “A Perfect Man” had brought her to tears. The reason, she could feel the love of the person singing to his counterpart and how he didn’t want to be put on a pedestal to fail the love of his life. Which is the main theme of the song. It was great to hear it hit home with a fan.

Andrea Kremer (The Aeon Wanderers) | “Don’t Say Anything”

Formed A Musical Duo via Facebook Groups

After 20 years promoting other people's music for a living, I partnered with a multi-instrumentalist/songwriter that I met in a Facebook music group, and we formed a musical duo called The Aeon Wanderers. My bandmate lives in Scotland and I live in Boston, so even before COVID-19, we were working remotely, collaborating on lyrics in a Google doc and doing videos "together" using green screens. We started by recording covers, but soon we were working on originals, and in August 2020 we released our debut album, "Fictional Histories." Being on the artist side of the equation rather than the marketing side has been eye-opening and fun!

Barbara J. | “Merry Christmas, Darling”

Has A Holiday Release Airing on World Indie Network Radio

My Christmas cover single, "Merry Christmas, Darling," has been selected to air on World Indie Network Radio's (WNIR) Holiday Spectacular Radio Special! This song, a holiday classic from The Carpenters, also serves as the pre-release to my Carpenters cover album, which I plan to release early next year.

Raphaela Gilla | “Michael’s Mantra”

Guided A Troubled Fan Through Meditation And Towards Healing

One of my fans wrote me a message that she was not feeling well and asked me if I could help her. I felt that the really needed help and gave my phone number immediately. In our conversation she told me that it was hard for her to breathe, and she felt a lot of fear. I could hear her breathing heavily.

I guided her into a meditation – I guided her to consider her breathing as an angel's feather. This opened her breath tracks to the earth and to the sky. I noticed how she slowly began to relax and began to breathe deeper. She cried out of relief, thanked me and asked me about my fee. I told her that this is a gift from me to her. It was a very touching moment.

We stayed in contact. Since then, she grows and feels better.

John Mueller | “I’m Doing Fine”

Brought Joy With His Latest Release

My fave moment of this challenging year was when a complete stranger wrote to me that they heard my new track "I'm doing fine" and how it was uplifting to them and brought some joy. I appreciated they took the time to notify me and to bring joy with my music is my ultimate goal. Getting this release out there and the entire album "You are Here" its included on during this year made a positive note for 2020.  

Nia Ocean | “This Christmas”

Channeled A Christmas Song To Help Us All Shine Our Inner Light

About two weeks ago, I saw an insta story from a dear friend of mine which literally “woke me up”! I got so inspired that the next day I had written a whole song, a Christmas song that is. The song is called “This Christmas'' and I made it really to remind us that WE make Christmas what it is.. our spirit, our love, our cheer, it’s OUR light that gives it all meaning. So even though 2020 has been a tough year, we can still choose how to end it. It’s easy to expect and allow for Christmas 2020 not be special because it will be so different due to quarantine, limited travel and lost loved ones, but this song is a ray of light in these times of darkness and difficulty, reminding us of what matters most and that we all have a light within us to shine and share with our ourselves , our dearest ones, and the world...especially this Holiday Season.

Stay tuned… There’s more Good News Coming!

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Delain’s Charlotte Wessels: “Speaking out against the ‘female-fronted’ genre has been frowned upon”

Delain singer Charlotte Wessels on the lessons she’s learned from a life in music – and why’s never going to stop fighting the ‘female-fronted metal’ tag

Since co-founding Dutch symphonic metal band Delain as a teenager in 2002, Charlotte Wessels has become one of metal’s strident voices onstage and off. Unafraid to air her views on everything from feminism to the climate catastrophe – the latter an inspiration for the band’s latest album Apocalypse & Chill - she looks back on the lessons life has taught her.

Change is a good thing

“Martijn [Westerholt, keyboards] and myself have been the core songwriting team for Delain since the very beginning but Timo [Somers, guitars] has really flourished on Apocalypse & Chill; he’s not just making arrangements and writing parts but writing entire songs, like One Second. The fact that we play live so much has had an impact on how we write this time. We’re writing from the idea of how it will work when we perform. Martijn did the entire production again and he’s done a great job! We wanted to do some things we haven’t done before while staying really true to our sound – we’ve added in some real choirs, which is something we’ve wanted to do for quite some time.”

Don’t judge a book by its cover

“A lot of things [in the process for this album] remained as they were for [2016’s] Moonbathers. For example, in the approach to song- writing, a lot has stayed the same. But when it comes to production, some things developed – especially the name. Some people think we’re joking! [The title isn’t] the gothic, romantic, frozen moon thing we usually go for. I had a demo called Apocalypse & Chill that didn’t go anywhere, and when I looked at all the songs on this album, all the post-apocalyptic content combined with people’s attitude today, it fits.

Let your own work shine

“There are a few guest spots on Apocalypse & Chill – such as Yannis Papadopoulos from Beast In Black and a guest violinist who used to play for Eluveitie – but not as many as we’ve had in the past. I think that was a conscious choice. In the past, we’ve always let ourselves be led by people that we really like but didn’t exactly fit into the music, but the exposure to their fanbase was also a factor. We didn’t think about that at all for this album; we were just doing our own thing and it felt like a perfect fit.”

‘Female-fronted’ is no more

“I’ve spoken out against the ‘female-fronted’ genre in the past and I’ve always thought it’s been frowned upon. Because there are, like, three women in metal and all the rest are guys, it was a term that used to work to group those bands together. I think by now people realise that there are women in metal, death metal, nu metal, symphonic metal and they’re all vastly different things, so I’m really happy to know people are warming to the idea of ditching the term altogether. For me, it wasn’t just about the term being disrespectful or inaccurate; it was also not nice to the rest of the band to let their genre be decided by what’s hanging (or not hanging) between the frontperson’s legs! That’s taking such a small part of the ingredients of the band. I’m still optimistic and I hear a lot of things that keep me optimistic both online and offline. I think we’re heading in the right direction; in general I think there’s more equality than there has been in the past. I also feel people are becoming more and more aggressive in their opinions and less open to conversation, as more conversations are taking place anonymously and behind screens. I’m not sure how that’s going to develop.”

Criticism can be motivational

“There are some conversations that really stick with you in life. I remember very early on in my career, when I was 15, my classical singing teacher once told me, ‘If I were you, I’d leave that band and just go join a choir – everybody is always looking for sopranos like you.’ She basically didn’t see the value in any non-classical music but to me, that was such a ‘Wait, I’ll show you’ moment in my life. It’s more reverse psychology than the best advice anybody’s ever given me but it had the most impact on what I ended up doing, even though it was a long time ago.”

Stop trying to make everyone else happy

“You simply cannot please everybody. That was a tough lesson for me. In a band like this, you’re doing everything together and when you’re writing with multiple people, you’re already making compromises. Within my creative group that’s fine, but there’s a limit to the amount of people you can keep happy while also staying true to you and your artistic vision. I felt like I really had to learn that the hard way because teams in music can get very big and it quickly becomes very complicated to have everybody on the same page. Sometimes you try to compromise too much and you end up with something nobody is happy with, so I’d rather have some very excited people and some saying ‘meh’ than having everybody on a medium level of excitement.”

Inspiration can come from anywhere

“I have different inspirations for different parts of music. I love Nick Cave for lyrics and writing words in general, and Thom Yorke for music. I’m always super-impressed by how Radiohead keep changing and evolving their sound, they’ve been my favourite band forever. Also, Amanda Palmer for the way she navigates the music industry. I think it’s very impressive what she’s built and how she is so radically herself in everything she does.”

Set your goals high

“Before Delain, I was in a band that had a side- project that Martijn was working on as well, that’s how we met. He asked if I could write a few lyrics for this project he was working on and it grew from there into me being part of the first album, but it was still supposed to be just a project. Now we’re 15 years later and Delain have grown so much. If I could go back, I’d tell myself, ‘Hey dude, this is going to be the next 15 years of your life at least so go all in, this is the real deal!’ There’s so many crossroads in life and you’re always going for the long-term thing but one day you wake up and it’s such a big part of your life and it’s amazing.”

Find a label that loves you for you

“When Roadrunner Records were sold and we were at Warner all of a sudden, Warner got a lot of bands alongside all the bands they actually wanted out of Roadrunner like Nickelback and such. I had the idea they were like, ‘OK, we have Delain, let’s see what we can make of it so people will buy it.’ They were looking into what we could become, which was very different from our own vision. When we were talking with Napalm Records, it was a night and day difference to that because they wanted to work with us for us, for what we already were. Of course we have our disagreements from time to time, but we really noticed what it was like to be with a label with all the best intentions for us.”

Touring life isn’t always easy

“You become a family of sorts when you spend so much time together on a bus, and everyone develops their own little habits to keep themselves sane. Touring can be loads of fun and it usually is, but it’s also very tiring at times. One of my things is I don’t really sleep well when the bus is driving, so at the beginning of the tour I’m usually alright but a few weeks on, I don’t know what day or time it is. It gets really weird but everybody has their own routines and it’s just a matter of giving each other the space to do what you need to do. In the end, it all comes together during those hours on the stage. There’s always days off where we go on hikes to nature parks. There’s not a lot of them but we always try to do it.”

Our new songs might surprise you

“One Second is going down so well live already, I really like singing with Timo and it’s great being able to do that song together, I’m so happy to have that little duet. Combustion is really nice for me because I finally get a break! I think Let’s Dance will become a favourite, it’s kind of a party song and it gets people moving very quickly even though they’ve never heard the song before. It gives off a vibe that people can automatically roll with and it’s very nice to still get that kind of energy back from the audience.”

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50

AO3

A huge thank you to @theministerskat who puts up with me, and keeps betaing this story, 51 chapters in!

Chapter 51. Zambia 

Jamie had been right about one thing. It wasn’t the same.

Everything had changed. My timezone had changed, and two more hours crept in between us. Jamie’s obligations had doubled as he got further into the semester, and his free time became limited. My schedule in the medical program kept me occupied from eight to four-thirty, and then with afternoon clubs, I missed Jamie when he was waking up, and I couldn’t stay awake long enough at night when he’d get back to his dorm.

But the biggest change was the unmitigated disaster our communication had become. Or lack thereof.

The volunteer house had no wifi connection, and I had to walk to a nearby cafe to talk to Jamie, something that was impossible to do during the week since the only time he was able to call me at was midnight.

So I bought a Zambian SIM card and texted him. A lot. It still wasn’t enough, but it was the best I could do. I missed his voice. I missed seeing his face. The few times we attempted a video call all I had managed to see of him was a frozen image. Sometimes clear, sometimes blurred, because he had moved before the connection lagged. I had laughed the first time at the image of Jamie with his mouth open, his eyes turned skywards, as his voice came through the speaker with a relieved ‘finally’. I had thought the problem with the internet connection was random, and it would be better the next time we’d call. It didn’t.

We continued texting, trying to keep our lives intertwined. We sent pictures -- pictures that were pushing the limits of my patience because most of the time it took more than one failed attempt to get them through. Our messages often turned into long monologues, as the other was busy or sleeping. And then, when we had time to check our phones, we found long monologues in return.

That was how I found myself staring at a white piece of paper, brow furrowed, determined to write something that would be more intimate than a text on his phone.

My dear Jamie,

No.

My love,

No. Damn it! How was I supposed to write a whole letter when I couldn’t even write a greeting?

My sweet Scot,

Yes, that’s better.

My sweet Scot,

It’s me, your Sassenach, writing a letter to you, as if we live in the 18th century. I miss our century, to be honest. I miss proper internet connection. This 2G thing sucks.

I paused in my writing, sure that I wouldn’t give a damn about the internet connection if Jamie were with me. With a sigh, I shook my head to scatter those thoughts away. He wasn’t here, and he wasn’t supposed to be. Biting my lip, I continued, trying to focus on the positive things that had happened during the two weeks I had been in Zambia.

Being here is like moving into another dimension. I knew it would be different, but I never would have imagined people living on the same planet as us having such different everyday lives. I thought I was prepared when I landed in Africa, having finished the online training at home, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I omitted telling you last week, but I panicked so much the second day I was here, that I started crying that night in my bed. It’s silly, ridiculous, and it makes no sense, but I felt lost. Alone. It was the first time that I could become lost and Lamb wouldn’t be there to search for me. I had to make it on my own. We had no guidance on how to live here and it seemed so hard to build a life from scratch in a country where I couldn’t even communicate well enough to buy something to eat. I was terrified, Jamie. And I didn’t tell you, because I knew you didn’t want me to come here, and I felt guilty and ungrateful for the chance given to me. Anyway. I’m much better now. I met Louise and she has pretty much made everything easier. She arrived two weeks before I did, and helped me a lot during my acclimation here.

Livingstone is beautiful. It’s rural and wild. Louise said we might visit the Victoria Falls next week, so get ready for pictures! It will be awesome to explore a bit, there are so many things to do!

I know I haven’t said much about the people I’ve met here, but they are usually around and it’s weird for me to be writing about them while they are looking at me. Louise is from France, that much I have told you. She’s a free spirit, straightforward, unabashed for what she says or does, but she’s also sweet and funny. She’s always smiling -- I don’t know how she does it. Sometimes I just want to start crying when I see the scarce medical resources available here. The equipment is limited, the clinics are under-staffed, and the patients too many. But then, that’s the reason I’ve come, right? To help. I decided to help in the children’s department, although I was really tempted to volunteer for the maternity one. Louise opted for the HIV treatment.

For the home-visits, I am usually paired with Margaret. She’s from Virginia and she’s really shy. She often gets lost in daydreams, but she is also so very patient and calm. During these visits we are supervised by Chikondi, which means ‘love’ in Chewa. Isn’t that great? Chikondi is a local caregiver and he’s amazing. His English is very good and he explains every little detail for us to understand what he’s doing and why. We mostly observe and assist him with small things now, but we’ll be able to do more once we get more experience. Yesterday we sat for almost an hour after an examination, listening to the stories of an old man who has been living alone since his wife passed away last year. They had five children, but they have all moved away. We were almost ready to leave, when he looked at me for a long moment and then just started talking. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but Chikondi started translating immediately. The man’s words rolled out in his deep voice, taking their time, but his eyes danced as shared his memories with us. And when he finished telling the last story -- how he made fun of his wife for her cooking, but they both knew she was the best cook in the village --  we gathered our equipment to leave and he rose too, saying that it was time to go to see his girl, because she was waiting for him.

It was impossible not to cry as I watched his dragging steps towards the cemetery. Chikondi said that listening to our patients and giving them comfort is just as important as the medical care and health education that we provide. In that moment, I felt as though I’m here not only to help heal their bodies, but their souls too. And it struck me that we’re not so different after all. It’s magical to be human and live, and feel and remember. And to be a human who has love and time to share with others creates a beautiful, inexplicable feeling. Like you suddenly realize you’ve been breathing your whole life, but you now relish in the action, something so simple, and yet so important.

We have been seeing the same giraffe I told you about every time we go for home-based care to the village nearby. We decided to name it Mani. I’ll take a picture tomorrow, so you’ll get to know him too -- I hope he’s a he.

The volunteer house is nice. We have a pool outside the house, and a BBQ, and we’ll probably organize a get-together tomorrow. Week days are way too busy, so it’s only Saturdays and Sundays that we have time for ourselves. Jeremy and I started a Reading Club and we spend almost all of our afternoons there, reading to the children. No matter their level of poverty or their illnesses, children smile a lot. I’m starting to believe that’s the common denominator that keeps us human. It’s strange, how the laughter of children brings adults together. It feels like they are the reason we can all function in the same equation. And most times I think that looking at tiny humans running around, playing, yelling, singing, is what keeps me sane and gives me purpose.

We’ll start health talks at the local schools next week. It’s mind blowing how important health education is. Even the simplest issues, like hydration, hygiene, and nutrition, have to be discussed. I’m excited to get into these classrooms, even more so because that’s where my mom volunteered.

I’m happy to be here, but I miss you, Jamie. I miss you so much. And I’m thinking of you all the time, I hope you know that. There are so many things I would like to share with you. Even the simplest things, like a flower or a sunset. Even though you wouldn’t care about them at all. At least the flower. You might have liked the sunset. We’re talking about going bungee jumping. I wish you were here so we could jump together.

Sometimes at night I dream that you hold me in your arms and I sleep better for it.

I’m now thinking that sending letters might seem really stupid to you, so don’t feel obliged to reply. We will text anyway.

I love you.

Claire

I finished the letter with a wistful smile, folded it, and wrote Jamie’s address on the envelope.

“Claire!” Louise waved from the door. “Are you coming?”

I secured the envelope between the pages of a book in my luggage, and headed outside. I would stop by the post office first thing tomorrow.

“What were you doing, Miss Bennet?” Robert raised an eyebrow, but his gaze didn’t leave the book he was reading.

“Ha, bloody, ha.” I replied, refraining from replying to his question.

At that moment, I realised that I had forgotten to mention Robert in my letter, but I didn’t know how to describe him to Jamie either. He was the oldest one here, but he didn’t talk a lot and his cocky behavior always made me wonder why he had volunteered in the first place. He was working in the adult department and organized the Math Club in the afternoon, so we didn’t really interact during the week. He was the actual reason, however, I didn’t participate in the Math Club. I didn’t want to be stressed during the afternoon activities, dealing with his sour behavior. Jeremy was much closer to the type of people I would usually be friends with.

“So, are we doing the BBQ tomorrow?” Louise asked, clapping her hands enthusiastically.

I shrugged and saw Margaret’s anxious gaze passing across all our faces, waiting for anyone else to speak first.

“I think it’ll be cool. We haven’t really spent much time together.” Jeremy was lying in a deckchair, and he rose on his elbows to look at us. “What do you think, St. Germain?”

“Why do you keep calling him by his last name?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes at Robert as I took the seat next to Louise.

“I don’t know.” Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows, as if he had just realized he had been doing that.

“I don’t mind,” Robert said. “All my friends call me St. Germain. Not that any of you would ever be anything close to my friends,” he added, and I grimaced.

“Of course your Highness,” Louise mocked him in return. “So, it’s decided. We’re doing the BBQ tomorrow.” She bit her lip, then, and looked around. “Where is Helga?”

“She had an additional first aid training session.” Margaret fidgeted with her skirt, then fixed her gaze on the swimming pool tiles.

Louise saw me observing Margaret, and she leaned closer to me. “She’s getting better. When I first came she hardly talked to any of us.” Seeing my questioning glance, she continued. “She’s not well. Her boyfriend died last year. Cancer.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered, trying not to seem upset in case Margaret chanced a look at us. She didn’t, but Robert did, and when his eyes found mine there was an expression on his face I couldn’t quite decipher. Something between loss and understanding.

Well, that was new.  

I had no idea Margaret’s time here was part of a healing process for her, and that made me realize I hardly knew anything about my roommates’ lives outside of Zambia, and certainly not enough to reach any conclusions on their characters. Maybe Robert had been an arrogant arse who began to change his attitude after volunteering. Maybe he had realized there was something more important than his little insignificant world.

“I’m in for tomorrow,” he said in his deep voice, eyes back on the pages of his book. I had seen him reading it the previous day and I had already read the book, but never mentioned it to him. It wasn’t that I wanted to start a conversation with him.

Louise shot me a questioning stare. “Yes, yes, I’m in, too,” I agreed. “Margaret?” It took her a moment to come back to reality and I noticed that her eyes were moist. “Will you come to the BBQ party tomorrow?” I asked, trying not to add any pressure to my tone.

She nodded and smiled, the colour of her eyes a deep chocolate brown that made me smile back.

“Perfect!” Louise stood up, stretched, and declared, “We have to go shopping.”  

“Will we invite the rest of the volunteers? The locals? I’m sure Chikondi would be glad to come.”

Robert rolled his eyes, but Jeremy agreed with me. With Louise’s and Margaret’s nods, he left the house to inform everyone about our little party.

“Tell them to bring food and drinks!” Louise shouted after him and he waved his hand, signaling that he had heard her.

Margaret rose from her chair, coming to ask Louise about the food and I joined them, looking at Robert over my shoulder. “Well, are you coming? Or do we have to do everything while you lounge here with your book?” I sneered at him.

He heaved a heavy sigh and rose, leaving his book on the table next to my chair. “Happy?”

“Whatever you say.”

“Let’s go!” Louise nodded towards the street and linked her arm with Margaret’s, leaving me and Robert behind. Robert smiled at Margaret when she turned to look at us, a real smile, and it was the first time I noticed that he had always been kind to her.

Maybe he’s not that bad.

When he looked down at me, a sly grin replaced the smile on his face. “Nice hair.”

I resisted patting my hair, even though I could feel that my curls had gone wild with the humidity, but I couldn’t resist huffing.

No, he’s definitely a prat.

Five minutes later we were in the town center, checking the food counters. I stood in front of a bowl of caterpillars, wondering if any of the rest had tried them. Chikondi had told me that ifinkubala were delicious, fried and served with tomatoes, onions and nshima, the staple carbohydrate of Zambia. They certainly didn’t seem delicious.

“Don’t even think about it,” Robert drawled, glancing at the bowl with disdain.

I wondered if Jamie would try them. He was always so adventurous with food. Seeing that he had eaten haggis regularly, I could easily imagine him eating caterpillars. I took a picture with my phone, smiling at the woman behind the counter, intending to send it to him when we went back to the house.

“Are you done?” Robert asked in a bored voice.

“Yes, I’m done,” I replied keeping my own voice as flat as possible.

“Let’s go then. I think we stayed long enough in the vicinity of fried insects.”

“They’re larvae, actually.”

He rolled his eyes, making it obvious how mundane he found this information. “I want to buy vitumbuwa for my afternoon tea,” he stated, as if I was in his service and I should buy them for him.

I struggled for a moment, trying to remember what vitumbuwa was without asking him. He must have seen my face because he snickered, “The fried dough balls with sugar.”

“Oh, right!” I smiled. I wanted to buy some of them too. And even though I wouldn’t admit it out loud, he was right -- they would be perfect with tea.

I checked my phone for any messages from Jamie, but I realized it was still too early for him. I saw his smile in my background picture, however, and smiled back, as if he could see me.

Jamie would definitely eat caterpillars. And if he’d like them, he would try to feed them to me too.

For the first time in the two weeks since I had arrived in Zambia, I found an advantage on Jamie staying back in Michigan. At least I could avoid the caterpillars without a battle now. Chuckling, I walked next to Robert, who shot me a strange glance but proceeded with his search for vitumbuwa, ignoring me further.

Not caring a bit, I smiled again. Today was Saturday. And that meant I could go to the cafe and call Jamie the moment he woke up.

Chapter 52

[aslongasimliving]

Dear Eli, Micah, and Kaiya,

I am afraid to write this next letter to you as I have this feeling that this could either be the last letter if God has a different plan for us, or it could be a memory. I am writing this in bed as I am nursing Kaiya, and looking at pictures of the boys, with slow tears coming out of my eyes. If we all make it out of this together, we have nobody to thank but God and our healthcare providers/essential workers. I never thought I’d have to write something like this since leaving the Army almost 9 years ago.

This has been a really tough month for all of us - mostly your parents because you guys have been home for almost 3 weeks now on a mandatory quarantine. The boys have been at their dad’s house now for coming up 4 weeks, and soon you’ll have spent almost 5 weeks there until mommy takes over. I’ve kept myself sane because I have so much to worry about. I will explain, but for today and the last three weeks I’ve been grateful to Lauren for taking this time off to be with you boys. As for Kaiya, auntie Bella and London came down to be with you. Boys - you’ve been so happy at daddy’s house lately and it just makes me so happy that you are. I could easily become depressed and anxious, but I’ve been managing my loneliness without you guys with more exercise, reading, and school work. I am currently 1/3rd of the way through the Syracuse MBA program.

In the last 3 weeks, we declared a national pandemic with COVID-19. We currently live in NY, which has the greatest mortality and morbidity rate in the world currently. We’ve run out of medical supplies, ventilators, masks to help anyone. We are assuming everyone is sick. Three out of four of the total parents work for the hospital as a surgical nurse, and two Physician Assistants. We three are so afraid of coming home to give it to you guys. I’m more afraid of this virus than I was in Iraq for 27 months.

Tomorrow, I start training for inpatient hospital medicine. We are preparing for the worst two weeks in the hospital currently, and it’s already starting.

To prepare for things at home, I sent grandma home to Washington since she’s very immunocompromised. I prepared and updated my Will. I have an updated Life Insurance policy. Food is stocked, and we have one month of savings currently. The boys are still in online distance learning, and loving it.

When I start filling in at the hospital, I will likely be self-quarantined. I can’t touch or kiss you guys. I won’t be able to hug you guys. I have to wash my hands so well and pretend my face is on fire so I don’t touch it. I’m afraid. I hear about so many people who are extremely healthy, and are dying on ventilators. I’m afraid if I get sick I’ll never be able to see you guys grow, graduate, get married, and have kids. I’m afraid you won’t be able to say goodbye to me. I’m afraid of Kaiya having no memories of me, and you three not growing up together. I’m afraid I won’t know enough to help someone. I am afraid of panicking when I take care of my first COVID patient on a ventilator, and watching someone die without a chance for their family to be there. I am afraid of how much a loss of a parent will affect you as you grow - but I know how immensely loved you all are, and I know you’ll be well-cared for. And because of this love, I have to give it up to God to tell me where he needs me and us. Tell me how I can be a channel of your love. Tell me how I can stay strong for my family and you.

If this is my last love letter to you three, please promise me this:

That you three will take care of each other, always look out for each other, do your best to remember how I loved you three and project that love into everything else that you do in your life. Please remember that although my work was a priority, it was also a blessing and a gift from God that I was able to help when needed. Please stay strong, and please remember that your family is always first. Be loyal to each other. Stay humble. When you don’t understand something, you can talk to me anytime and please continue to pray. Some things will never make sense until God needs you to understand at a certain time. Never forget your roots, and I will always be your biggest fan.

If this is found soon enough if I pass - I choose to be cremated and remains with my children divided. Spread some of my ashes in every ocean, and in places that remind you of me. My will and life insurance is a blue folder in the desk or a copy in my closet. Please keep all of the pictures and memories you want and need.

I was never a perfect parent, but I always chose you first before anything.

I would like to share something I found:

Just so I NEVER forget..... April 2, 2020

Gas price a mile from home was $1.85

School cancelled - yes cancelled

Self-distancing measures on the rise.

Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other.

Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.

Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.

Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.

Entire sports seasons cancelled.

Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled.

Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled.

No masses, churches are closed.

No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 5 or more.

Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home.

Children's outdoor play parks are closed.

We are to distance from each other.

Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.

Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.

Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.

Shelves are bare.

Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.

Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.

Fines are established for breaking the rules.

Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.

Press conferences daily from the President. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.

Government incentives to stay home.

Barely anyone on the roads.

People wearing masks and gloves outside.

Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.

Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this status?

One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!

Be thankful. Be grateful.

Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one! ❤️

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 46

Chris

The spearmint gum in my mouth became a distraction. The buttons of my phone became a toy. The annoying tick of the clock on the wall became my fixation. She knew I didn’t want to be here… I knew she didn’t want to be here. But she stared at me through those thick black frames, thin lips pursed in a way that made them almost disappear completely and brows creased into a frown of either irritation or repulsion. However the hell she felt towards me right now, I… did… not… care.

She released an aggravated sigh through her nose and I through my mouth. What the fuck was the point of this again? Did they really think this was going to benefit me? How? How was sitting here in this sterile, overly extravagant ass office going to benefit me at all? I mean, I didn’t have anything else going on today, but really… anything, anything was better than being back in this place… sitting across from this woman.

“Christopher…”

I cut my eyes at her, losing count after one hundred and eighty ticks on that clock. Three minutes… it took her three minutes to finally speak the hell up and acknowledge that I was indeed sitting in front of her.

“You are aware that this is mandatory for your treatment plan, yes?” She asked.

“I’m aware.”

“Well… I need you to cooperate with me.”

Turning my head to fully face her, I tilted it curiously and watched her blankly. With yet another sigh she dropped her gaze, obviously too intimated by the cold, hard stare of a former ex patient. She wasn’t even qualified to do this job… I knew she wasn’t. The bitch couldn’t even be professional enough to look me in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time. I shut my eyes for a moment, counting slowly to ten in the back of my mind while thinking about how rude it was of me to silently call her out of her name. But… I just really didn’t like her.

“I am cooperating, Dr. Stevenson.” I muttered, parting my lids and staring at her with the politest smile I could muster.

“Well… can you please answer my question? How have you been?” It took a lot of will power for her to do this job, or maybe it just took a lot of will power for her to deal with me. Either way, she really sucked at this and I really didn’t want to be here.

“I answered your question. I’ve been fine.”

“You know that I need you to elaborate Christopher. You only have an allotted amount of time with me and you need to use it wisely.” It was clear to see that she was annoyed, but what I suppose she didn’t realize was… I was probably more annoyed than her. What did she mean I needed to use my time with her wisely? I didn’t even see the need to waste my time with her in the first place.

“Honestly… I didn’t ask to come here today.” I said simply, because it was really just that simple.

“But, as I just stated, the post-therapy sessions are mandatory. If you are unable to complete the remainder of your program Christopher, you will automatically forfeit any time that you’ve spent here.” She explained. Her explanation was the first thing she’d said in the fifteen minutes I’d been in her stupid office that actually caught my attention. My left brow lifted with interest…

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She smiled and if I wasn’t mistaken, there was a hint of humor in the way that her paper thin lips curled… like she found it comical that she’d lowkey just threatened me.

“You would have to begin the program from scratch. And… you would not be eligible for early release.”

I watched her closely, feeling the anxiety slowly crawling through my core like a sloth with long, sharp nails. Hearing her say that, listening to those words… hurt. I would never, ever, set foot in this institute again… not anywhere past this office. For her to sit there and happily threaten me like that, knowing how easily it could trigger me… it made me want to give in to the urge to let go. I wanted to let go and allow my demon to overcome me right there in her face because though I didn’t think anyone in life deserved to face that side of me, I believed she did.

“I’m not coming back here, Dr. Stevenson.” I damn near whispered, finding it suddenly too difficult to find my own voice… Chris’s voice.

“Then you will cooperate… and communicate.” She sat back in her chair triumphantly as if she’d just conquered me with her words. I hated to admit it, but she did just that… and I despised her even more for it.

“Now… how have you been?” She repeated the original question, which I’d answered… twice.

“I have been fine. I’ve been taking my meds as prescribed and I haven’t had an episode.”

Her smile was broader than ever now and she finally turned her attention to the notepad propped against her crossed leg as she began to scribble away in it. As much as I disliked this whore, I didn’t feel as much resentment toward her notepad… not like I felt about Dr. Yates’. My stare found its way back to the ticking clock above the window and I thought about how much I hated that damn notebook. It held so many thoughts, memories, stories, and secrets. Its pages were bound together by pain… my pain and yet, it was the one thing that led me to where I was today… freed from this hell hole. I wondered what the inside actually looked like, how Dr. Yates made sense of my senseless world in it. I smiled. Dr. Yates… I missed her dearly.  

“That’s wonderful. And the dosages… effective enough, but not too low? We want to be sure that you are able to function to your full capability.”

“The dosages are fine.”

Keeping her head low, she cut her eyes up at me and I sighed through my nose and rolled my eyes away from her… this elaborating shit was about to get her cussed out “They’re effective, but not too low.”

I wished that she would wipe the smile off her face. It made me feel like she believed it was all thanks to her that my story was turning out so good and Lord knows, nothing good that was happening to me was thanks to her. I almost laughed at the thought, until she cleared her throat and glanced at me from her notepad.

“Your home life… how has it been?”

“Wonderful. All of my friends and family have been very supportive.”

“Your girlfriend, Hope… have you been in contact with her?” She asked. It didn’t sound right hearing her name come from those painfully thin lips. It wasn’t intentional, but I frowned as soon as she finished asking the question. I felt suddenly disrespected by what she’d said.

“Yes, I have been in contact with Sy’Diyah.”

She stayed silent and blinked a few times, obviously caught off guard by my bold correction of Hope’s name. I never granted her permission to call her that and I needed her to be clear that she should never do it again.

“You have been in contact with her?” She reiterated.

“Yes I have.”

“It was a recommendation that you not simply jump right back into communicating with her…” “By who?”

“The board…”

Scoffing aloud and rolling my eyes with a deeper scowl, I shook my head and glared at her “That wasn’t a recommendation from the board Dr. Stevenson.”

“It was, Christopher. Clara made it very clear during your preliminary hearing that it wasn’t a good idea for you to talk to her so soon… or see her at all.” She thought she had me there. Of everything else this lady said to me today in this office, she would not dare fix her lips to tell me that I had to stay away from the mother of my child.

“But you were there during my final hearing, were you not? You heard her clearly clarify that everything she said to me in the prelim was a test. She did not recommend that I stay away from Sy’Diyah.”

“Okay… well… it is with my recommendation that you limit your contact with her in your day to day life. It is for both her benefit as well as yours.”

Chuckling softly with the hint of a warning, I straightened my posture in the hard leather chair and leaned forward to cross my hands against the surface of her desk.

“With all due respect Dr. Stevenson, I don’t give a fuck what you recommend. You will not keep me away from her. She is the mother of my child and the love of my life. She is the only person who has the power to keep me away from her, not you. Your recommendation is greatly appreciated, but you cannot and will not force that on me.”

Shocked wasn’t even the word to describe the expression on this lady’s face. Her eyes were wide and her lips were just barely parted as she sat there staring at me, obviously stunned by what I’d just said. I wasn’t supposed to say any of that. I wasn’t supposed to even feel, but here I was associating with love… no matter how strong the dosages were they prescribed me. These, illnesses, may have taken away my ability to be independent, my ability to be normal, and even my ability to be sane… but it would never take away my ability to love. That’s something Dr. Yates understood and respected… my ability to love was the one thing that actually held me together. But here this lady was, trying to unbind me right at the seams by taking my love away… heartless bitch.

After an awkward moment of silence, she finally dropped her notepad down onto her desktop and cleared her throat “Well, I think this should conclude our session for the day.”

I was chuckling softly and rising from my seat before she even had a chance to complete that sentence. This lady was a complete joke and she somehow managed to remind me of that every single time I saw her. See, the way she operated, things were supposed to go her way at all times when she counseled her patients. She was supposed to be able to soup them up on these ridiculous medications, feed them a bunch of bullshit when she got them all alone, then she would claim to have cured them. Her degrees and certifications were all a lie and I was confident she attended an online school that wasn’t reputable.

“Fine by me,” I muttered, shifting closer to the door and further away from Satan herself, “Oh and when you get a chance, can you tell Dominica hello for me. The last time I saw her, she mentioned something about a session with one of the in-house therapists and she didn’t seem too happy about it.”

The look on her face when I glanced back over my shoulder was priceless and it took everything in me not to double over with laughter. I didn’t even give her another second to attempt to gather a response before I was swinging the door open and marching out into the hall.

I smirked at the empty space after shutting the door behind myself. The feeling was indescribable as I stood there in the middle of the building as a free man, something I never thought I would witness. There was no security guard waiting outside the door to escort me off to my room… no nurse lingering off in the corner with a shot pack to subdue me for the rest of the day. Only my mom just a few feet up the hall in the waiting area, smiling pleasantly and almost glowing as I neared her.

“Hey baby, how did it go?” She beamed excitedly. She looked way too happy for this initial session, for whatever reason, and I didn’t want to burst her bubble by relaying the news that it actually went to shit.

So, I delivered my most charming smile and shrugged casually “It went alright.”

We didn’t stick around much longer, though the front desk receptionist seemed to have been engaged in some sort of lively conversation with my mother and mistakenly thought they could continue it even though I was clearly ready to go. Thankfully my sessions were all prescheduled and we didn’t really have a reason to linger, so without further ado I turned that same charming smile onto the over bubbly receptionist as I politely pushed my mom out the door.

On the way to the car, she joked that I must be excited for our next stop, but in all honesty… I dreaded that perhaps a bit more than the forced ass session with Dr. Stevenson. Somehow, without my knowledge, the night before she’d contacted Jaylen’s other grandmother and set up a time for us to go by so I could visit with him for the first time since I’d been home. Was I excited to pay a visit to my first-born because I hadn’t seen him in entirely too long, of course I was. Was I excited to see his mother who I was sure would be there because surely her mother told her about the plan… hell no.

The last time I’d seen Gabby was well before I took off to Syracuse at the beginning of last summer. I had no idea if she knew anything about my life as of late or if she even knew that I was back in town. My mom assured me that everything would be alright because the last time we saw each other, we were able to be cordial and her attitude had surprisingly changed for the better. But a lot can change in the span of a year… including her attitude.

I sat slouched in the passenger seat with my arms crossed and my mind lost in thought as my mom softly hummed along to the John Legend playlist she had in rotation. Her gentle hums were soothing and somehow managed to keep my nerves somewhat in check, but the moment her sleek graphite infiniti turned down the familiar street my stomach churned with uneasiness and I found myself nibbling harshly into the inside my bottom lip out of nervous habit.

“You do know that everything is going to be fine, right?” She asked. With a sigh I sat up a bit straighter and glanced over at her and her smirking face.

“I hope so ma.” I mumbled.

She pulled into the empty space behind a dark colored family sized SUV in the driveway and turned to face me after she’d put the car in park.

“Honey,” She started, her over exuberant attitude almost wearing off on me… almost, “Everything will be fine.”

I wanted to take her word for it, I really did. But something in the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach was seriously telling me otherwise. Slowly and reluctantly I followed her lead and climbed out of the car, pausing briefly to stretch my legs and really just to kill time. Why the hell was I this nervous? I just really dreaded the thought of trailing behind her to the front door, but I did anyway like a child who just got scolded in the car.

She rang the bell and almost as if she was sitting right there by the door awaiting our arrival, Gabby’s mother pulled the door open within a second flat with a smile.

“Joyce, how are you dear?” Her Spanish accent was thick and laced just about every letter of every word she spoke. I cringed at the sound of it because it reminded me of her daughter.

“Hello Gloria. I’m blessed honey. How have you been?” My mom set a foot through the threshold of the door and leaned in for a hug. Mrs. Jimenez embraced her so tight you would really think they were long lost friends.

“I’ve been wonderful carino. Please, please… come in.”

I followed along quietly behind my mom with my hands wedged into the front pockets of my pants, hoping that by some chance I could scurry along behind her without this lady saying anything to me. But as luck goes in my world, with hope comes despair… and before I knew it I could feel the petite frame of Mrs. Jimenez cuddling against me as she curled her arms tightly around my body.

“Well look at you, you handsome hombre joven,” She said once she stepped back and gripped on to my arms to get a good look at me, “Such a good looking young man, you are. Even more handsome than I last remember.”

So, the thing is, I never had any beef whatsoever with Gabby’s mother… surprisingly. All the drama I dealt with was with Gabby directly and her mom was just kind of always there, obviously supporting her daughter because… that’s her daughter. But oddly the lady had always been very fond of me, thus the reason I stayed in this very house for a week after learning of Gabby’s pregnancy back in high school. Mrs. Jimenez somehow created a fairytale story in her mind that me and her daughter would have Jaylen and live happily ever after. My… how that fairytale turned out.

“Thank you.” I mumbled with a tight-lipped smile. She finally released me from her grasp and I quickly made my way right behind my mom into the familiar living room. I wouldn’t quite say Mrs. Jimenez was a hoarder, but I swore she was borderline. She just had random shit all over the place throughout the house, most of it being some type of trinket in honor of their Spanish heritage. It made me feel claustrophobic really, because it felt so over decorated which made the otherwise large house feel significantly smaller. I wondered for a moment how I’d never considered how much of a hazard that had to be for my son…

Naturally I turned to the left at the sound of babbling and tiny laughter and I couldn’t fight the urge to grin stupidly. Jaylen was much bigger than I remembered, seeing as he was a year old now, and my heart raced because I felt like I was staring at a miniature replica of myself. His mother lightly held onto his hands from above while he walked as quickly as his little body would carry him into the living room. She was really barely holding on and my heart went from racing to swelling at the sight… he was walking now… my son was walking!

“You’re walking now Jay!” I muttered excitedly, forgetting momentarily that there were three other people in the room.

My mom was giggling somewhere beside me on the couch and Mrs. Jimenez was clapping and cheering from the other side of the living room. But the only thing I could focus on was Jaylen and his smiling, drooling little face.

He was such a smart kid, I knew that much, but what I wasn’t completely confident about was his memory. Would he recognize me? Was he old enough to remember my face? Or would he consider me a stranger and cry if I got ahold of him? Before I knew it, he’d waddled his little way right up to my legs and snatched his hands out of his moms grasp to reach up for me. He lost his balance in the midst of his excitement and tumbled softly to his bottom.

“Uh oh Jay, it’s okay. Stand back up baby.” And at the sound of her voice, I finally looked up into Gabby’s face as she lingered a few steps behind Jaylen with her hands on her hips. I’m sure she could feel my stare on her face because she eventually looked right back at me and smiled a tight-lipped smile.

“Hey.” She mumbled.

“What’s up.” It wasn’t much of a question… and I prayed she wouldn’t actually answer that. Thankfully, she didn’t and if I wasn’t mistaken, homegirl went as far as rolling her eyes as she swung around to go claim a seat on the other side of the room near her mother. My brows furrowed on their own accord for a split second, but then I felt the tiniest little hands against the front of my pants. Looking down, I bit into my bottom lip to refrain from grinning like a complete fool and watched like the proud father I was as Jaylen supported himself with the fabric of my jeans and pulled himself right back up onto his feet.

“Good job man.” I said as I reached down to scoop him up. I was terrified for a second because I just knew once he got a good look at my face and realized he didn’t know who the hell I was, he’d go flying out of my arms and over to my mom. But what surprised me and left my heart swelling to the point that it literally felt like it would explode… he climbed right out of my hands to get to my chest where he leaned to support his body, while his tiny hands gripped each side of my face. And when he didn’t waste a second leaning forward and meshing his dribbling mouth right against mine, I just about cried. He knew me… he wasn’t afraid of me… he trusted me… he, alone, in all his little one-year-old glory, reminded me what it felt like to be loved, not judged. He didn’t care about my mishaps and fuck ups; it didn’t matter to him that I’d been in a crazy house over the past six months. The purity and innocence of a child, so raw and rare… untainted and untouched by all the rest of the world and its corruption… I couldn’t take it.

I held him to my chest and shut my eyes, basking in the silent love shared between the two of us while the three spectators quietly watched. Really, I would be fine if they all just left him and I to enjoy our time together, but… Lord knew that wasn’t on his mother’s watch.

“How have you been Christopher?” Snatching my eyes open, they landed right on Gabby and I stared at her blankly. Christopher… really? I sighed through my nose… oh yeah, she was my ex who was probably still bitter with me.

“I’ve been pretty good. How have you been?” I wasn’t going to be childish with her. We would keep this conversation as cordial as possible while I enjoyed this moment with my son, then I would be right back on my way. She smiled at me, but didn’t bother to say another word and I’m sure the silence became awkward for everyone, but I kept myself occupied with Jaylen bouncing up and down in my lap and slapping me repeatedly on the shoulder. He seemed to be having the time of his life, just laughing and slapping, so I laughed with him and let him practically beat my ass as best as a one-year-old could.

Some type of small talk sparked between my mom and Gabby’s mother, but I noticed that she remained fairly silent. She thought she was slick, staring at me like a damn creep, but I could feel her eyes penetrating the side of my face. At first I wasn’t going to entertain her piercing eyes, but see the way human nature works… I could only sit there so long, knowing the girl was looking dead at me and not look at her.

I glanced, barely, to the right and within the span of half a second caught her sitting there with her lips twisted to one side as her eyes danced all over my frame. What the hell… was she looking at? I didn’t even mean to get caught up looking at her, but I couldn’t help but notice the obvious differences. Her hair wasn’t as long as I’d last seen it nor was it as dark. As a matter of fact, it was blonde now… different shades of blonde, which was strange to me. She was still the exotic beauty I started dating back in my junior year of high school, but age and life had taken its toll on her… but in a good way. The girl really did look great, but… I felt like I was cheating just from the thought of that. I’m not sure how long I was staring at her as she stared back at me, dare I say… smirking, but when I did spot the corner of her lip lifting mischievously, I dropped the fuck out of my head and tuned right back in to Jaylen.

“So Chris, how’ve you been since you’ve been home mijo?” I guess that was my cue to hop into the ongoing conversation because Mrs. Jimenez had just said my name. I looked over at her, almost caught off guard when it registered to me what she’d just asked. I wasn’t at all aware that she knew anything about what was going on with me, so I glanced quickly at my mom only to discover that she was looking everywhere but at me and the apples of her cheeks were just guiltily rosy. I almost rolled my eyes.

“I’ve been really good?” Vague Chris… keep it vague.

“That’s so good carino, when Joyce explained to me everything that was going on, my heart just ached for you.” She said with brows bent with sorrow.

Well what the fuck all did Joyce tell you, ma’am I wanted to blurt, but bit into the sides of my tongue to prevent the outburst.

“What do you mean everything that was going on?” Gabby asked suddenly, cutting her eyes at her mom, “What all was going on with him?”

I could see the look my mother gave her mother and my heart dropped… what the hell was really going on? I was confused, to say the least, and clearly so was Gabby… but why? If her mom knew the obvious circumstances of why I was away, why didn’t she?

“Gabriela, please…” Mrs. Jimenez said her name with the underlying hint of a warning and cut her eyes at her, “It’s just so good to see you. And I see someone is happy to see their papa.”

Smirking, I glanced down at Jaylen, temporarily forgetting about the awkward exchange that’d happened only a few seconds ago. My little bundle of peace is what he was, it amazed me to believe this kid had such a phenomenal ability to take my mind off of any and everything. I could get shot right in the arm and if Jaylen was sitting in my lap, I swear I would forget all about the pain. I decided to become lost in him in that moment and I also decided I would no longer engage in any further conversation from here on out. I would keep my eyes on Jaylen and if Gabby felt the need to stare at me like a freak, I would simply have to ignore it.

I could hear murmuring voices, which meant they’d sparked up some new conversation… or maybe it was a continuation of whatever they were talking about before. I wasn’t sure, but my interest had been peaked by Jaylen attempting to hold himself up with my nose. This kid was a hoot and it wasn’t hard to tell exactly where he’d gotten his humor from.

Though my mother and Mrs. Jimenez continued to converse quietly in the background, I continued to ignore them with hopes that neither of them would drag me back into the mix… until I heard the key words “Chris… Sy’Diyah… expecting.” That got my attention in about a millisecond and the moment I raised my gaze, it naturally landed on Gabby. The mischievous smirk she wore earlier was gone and in its place was a scowl so deep, I prepared myself for the verbal lashing that in the past would often accompany that expression.

“Hold up,” Because in true Gabriela fashion, she didn’t give a damn if my mother or even her own mom sat in the same damn room… if she had something to say, she was gonna be sure we all heard it, “You’re having a baby with that girl?”

Mrs. Jimenez and my mother both went silent and awkwardly enough, all eyes were on me. They were, waiting for me to respond? I mean… if the two of them were sitting over there talking about it openly, what did they need to hear from me? Not to mention I didn’t feel the need to confirm or deny anything because I didn’t feel like it was any of their business.

Not bothering to open my mouth to speak a word, I nodded and watched her curiously. I wasn’t really sure why, but Gabby looked like she was about to burst at the seams. Like she was seconds away from lunging across the room to attack me. Was she upset? Last time I checked, I thought we were able to be cordial with each other and I assumed the co-parenting thing wouldn’t be so bad because she’d been doing it with my mom while I was away. But, I guess maybe I thought wrong.

“You’re fucking crazy!” Gabby blurted, catching us all off guard. Her mom gasped dramatically and my mom’s eyes bulged and immediately shifted to me.

“Gabriela, watch your language!” Her mom screeched.

“No, jodas eso! (No, fuck that) Mama, he’s crazy. You said yourself that he was going through shit in some crazy house somewhere. Oh dios mio, this is what you get… this is what you get! You leave me for that stupid puta, leave me here to raise a son alone… and now you’re having a baby with her! She’s probably the reason you ended up in that place anyway. You weren’t crazy like that with me!”

What the fuck was happening? What the… before another thought could sweep through my mind, I felt the weight of my son suddenly disappear from my lap and I stared wide eyed and horror stricken as Gabby snatched him away from me. It was entirely too chaotic really, the way she cradled his now whimpering frame close to her chest and began to pace the floor across from me. Her mom now sat there with her hands cupped at her mouth, eyes glossed over like she was the one who’d just been completely humiliated. My mom was now rising from her seat beside me, glaring across the way at Gabby. I wasn’t sure if she was about to go attack the girl or what, but the crimson in her cheeks and the frown on her face were just a few preliminary signs that she was about to go off.

“Gabby, enough! I will not sit here and let you disrespect my son that way. You ought to be ashamed to even be saying half the things you’re saying in front of your own son.” She fussed.

I felt so stupid. Frozen, horrified, and stupid and I couldn’t even bring myself to form a single coherent thought to defend myself against this girl as she continued to bash me to hell.

“And this puto ought to be ashamed that he got so consumed with that whore that he forgot all about his child. I don’t know what she did to you, culo loco, but I will not allow my son to be near you. You need to leave!”

That shit right there… those exact words… that was my biggest fear. I felt like I was outside my own body in that moment. I was floating over the scene, staring down at myself cowering away from the mother of my first child as she spoke one of my biggest fears into existence. She was going to take my son away from me because she did know that I had been in an institute. She knew about that… but she didn’t know about Hope’s pregnancy… it was all coming together now. But the funny thing is, Gabby hadn’t reacted this way until she heard the part about Hope having my baby. She sat there all along, clearly aware of all the details of my absence. Hell, I guess the girl thought I hadn’t noticed the fucking coy little smirk on her face earlier… the same coy smirk she would wear when she was ready to entice me. My posture straightened and my out of body experience ended abruptly… this bitch was playing all of us. The confidence rose just before I did and before I knew it, I was standing face to face with her and the tables quickly turned… now she was the one to cower away.

“You need to calm down Gabby. You and I both know you didn’t have a problem with me being in a mental institution, because I was in there to get my life together. You were just sitting over there thinking that… thinking about how you could get back into my life and how maybe we could make it work again.”

It was her turn to stare on in complete horror. She blinked rapidly and looked as startled as a cat as I busted her out on her shit. I may have been all fucked up in the head and yeah, I may have been crazy but one thing I was not was stupid.

I edged closer to her and she couldn’t go anywhere else because she’d backed herself up against the couch “Don’t sit here and try to put on this show for anyone Gabby. You’re mad because she’s having my child and you know there’s no chance for you. You will not keep my son away from me. Try it… and see what happens.”

I glared at her, long and hard, unblinking and all… then leaned in to kiss Jaylen on the back of his curly head of hair. His whimpering stopped abruptly and he sat up and swung around to face me. His tiny little face lit up and he grinned a three tooth grin at me, reaching his stubby arms out for me to take him. I could only smile at him as I took a step back with my hands now wedged into my pockets.

“Daddy has to go now Jay. But I’ll see you later, okay.” My eyes shifted back to Gabby, who had yet to take her eyes off of me, and I smirked.

“Now you figure out how to explain to my son that he’s not allowed to see me anymore… and let me know how that goes.”

I turned my back on them then, Gabby, her mother, and Jaylen and made my way to the door with my mom right behind me. Jaylen whimpered a few times then suddenly burst into a nasty onslaught of tears and the sound vibrated painfully through my chest. I don’t know how, but he was more attached to me than I would have ever imagined and it literally broke my heart to have to leave him. But that’s what his mother wanted. She told me I was fucking crazy, told me to leave her house and she wouldn’t allow her son to be near me. So now, I would leave and give her some time to sit and listen to the loud wails of the son she’d just selfishly torn from his father.

[welldresseddadblog]

Mid May it was time to visit the sceptred Isles of Great Britain for another getaway mini-break. Learning from previous experiences regarding the absolute density of experiences in the UK, we planned less travel and more local exploring this time. This also means spending less valuable time moving from overnight accommodation to new overnight accommodation, which again helps to avoid energy loss. This time it was more South Western areas that would be in focus, as in Glastonbury and the surrounding areas. This post will contain marginal coverage of menswear, but may be useful for travel tips! We’ve previously visited Bath and Bristol, which weren’t as great.

A word to start off with though, about getting around in the UK. There really is no substitute for renting a car. I’d love to say “take the train, take buses, they’re great! Cycle! Walk!”, but as far as I can tell it’s a mess of companies, a mess of pricing, and unless you’ve got oceans of time to spend travelling and waiting, it’s going to eat a chunk of your valuable holiday time. So, much as I hate to promote more travel by car, it really does make sense to travel by car. And car rental is surprisingly reasonable these days. I’ll offer up another observation: A lot of the roads in the UK were made a long time ago, before cars, or when cars were much smaller than today. This can be a challenge, in some cases quite terrifying, as you’re heading down a super-narrow road, hedges along the sides and trees growing overhead, and local motorsport heroes barreling towards you in a road space that seems frighteningly narrow. If you know you’re going to be travelling the small roads, get something small. This time there were three of us with luggage, and a lot of modern roads, so we treated ourselves to a larger than usual vehicle, a Vauxhall Grandland. A mini-SUV of sorts, I guess, but practical, comfortable and space for suitcases.

Stock up on water before a long day!

Google Maps is a must for serious driving. A removable holder is a boon.

Posing with an appropriate Stonehenge mug.

Flying into Gatwick late in the evening means less traffic about, which is helpful when readjusting from driving on the right-hand side to the left-hand side, getting the navigation working properly and finding the way to the destination. Rental cars should come with a lit up sign on the rear saying “I’ve just arrived, be gentle”, to warn aggressive locals wanting to get home as fast as possible that the driver ahead is going as fast as feels sane and safe!

At this point I’ll give you another premium travel tip: If you’ve booked an Airbnb, make sure to check that the address is complete and can be found in Google Maps. Not checking this can mean that you arrive in the general area, late at night, with no way of finding out where you’re staying. If you’re in more sparsely populated areas, mobile coverage may also be dodgy. And late at night means people are asleep, it’s very dark, house numbers can be impossible to see and you start wondering if it’s possible to sleep in the car. Yes, this happens. Luckily we found cell coverage, managed to Google up a photo of the frontage online, and found the right place. Oh, and I’d recommend you stick to the AirBnB’s run by “Superhosts” to avoid surprises. Airbnb has made it easy for everyone to allow strangers to stay in their home, which is a fine and dandy idea, but people are different, homes are different, and standards are widely different.

The grounds of Guildford castle.

Remains of Guildford castle.

Guildford was the nearest town and although we’d heard much about it before, we decided to head there. A quick Google showed there was a Park & Ride scheme, so we parked and took a bus to the town centre. A pleasant surprise really, as it proved to be a proper little town, in a sort of old-fashioned way, as there were plenty of shops, no obvious empty spaces, no noticeable vape shops and no huge shopping centre. Plenty of old buildings as well, and even a castle with excellent grounds, and no charge to walk around. I tend to stop by any charity shop that looks promising, as it’s one of the few ways for modern man to legitimately treasure hunt.

A peaceful demonstration for a free Stonehenge.

Obligatory Stonehenge photo.

Can’t fail to see they have a point.

Stonehenge is an odd place. A global icon, a pile of big rocks, a place of alternative worship, and now a genuine five-star tourist trap. We arrived by road alongside it, which means traffic slows to a halt for everyone to get the freebie look from their cars. Once you arrive at the new visitors’ centre though you’ve last all sight of the stones, as the visitors’ centre is a solid mile away. Which a cynical soul might suggest is to make more people pay the entrance fee, which includes a shuttle bus to the site. And therein lies a point, as the Stonehenge site itself is free to visit, but if you want the “official version” it’s very expensive (to the tune of 50 pounds for two adults and a child). To be blunt, to get closer to something you’ve already seen a million times on photos isn’t as big a deal as it’s cracked up to be. It’s kind of, just exactly what you expect. And a fancy visitors centre with a huge well-stocked gift shop doesn’t really make it a bigger deal (that said though, the Stonehenge X Barbour jackets they sold there weren’t bad if a very unlikely collaboration). The toilets are free though, which is handy. Check out here for more info about Free Stonehenge and how to visit Stonehenge for free.

  Kind of meagre selection and even more meagre discount offer, not very impressed, Trickers at Kilver Court!

  With the rapidly rising popularity of outlet villages, we thought we’d check in on a couple. Kilver Court in Shepton Mallet has a few interesting brands and as it was en-route we went by. Compared to most newer outlet-places it’s on the smaller side, with a limited number of brands, and sadly it proved not very worth the stop. At least for a professional menswearist. The menswear brands all har marginal presences and feeble discounts, not at all in the original and true spirit of outlets, but more in line with newer thinking of “everyone loves an outlet, let’s bung some stuff there and hope people are blinded enough by the discount idea that they’ll grab some of our stuff as well”. The Trickers shoe section was basically a table of shoes, so definitely not worth a visit. A waste of time really, though WDW did enjoy the Toast section (which used to have some good menswear as well, though sadly no longer).

    Glastonbury proved an absolute delight though. I’d heard it was a bit of a freewheeling place, with more Wicca and healing power shops than you can shake a wand at, and this wasn’t far off the mark. There was a relaxed and pleasant feel to the town though, so just going walkabout was nice. Plenty of hippies, street musicians and curiosa. Our Airbnb hos had kindly pointed us towards some recommended hostelries and these proved to be solid tips. If you’re heading that way, we found excellent food and drink at The Who’d A Thought It and Hundred Monkeys. Naturally, being in Somerset, proper cider country, it was great to be able to sample some top ciders straight from the barrel.

I’m not sure where I saw this, but no doubt it was Glastonbury appropriate!

Glastonbury had some nice street-art on offer.

Probably the most refreshing glass of cider I enjoyed all week.

  Thinking back, we did want to see the Glastonbury Abbey. As we often find these days though, there’s an entrance fee. And a cheeky one at that. If you’re travelling around seeing various places, usually several in a day, it’s just not on to request 21 pounds entrance for a family of two adults and a child. We want a quick peek around, not to stay the night. So a  sneaky peek in through the cracks in the gate or over the top of the wall will do. I find it much more palatable when entrance is free and there’s a voluntary donation box.

Panoramic photo of the view from Glastonbury Tor.

We did walk up to Glastonbury Tor though, a nice and not too taxing walk in the sunshine. As legend has it, the Isle of Avalon and the burial site of King Arthur (apparently a legend himself). The view from the top is stunning, you can see for miles and miles in all directions. Remarkably English Heritage has yet to find a way to charge tickets, so the entire experience is free, which only makes it better. On the way down we stopped by the Chalice Well, which proved yet another rip-off venture at 11 pounds for three. It’s not as if there’s anything to see there. Oh, ok, if you do believe that it’s a holy well and that the reddish well water is the blood of Christ after the chalice was cast into it. A simple chemical analysis shows the colour and taste is due to the high iron content though, so you have to be something of a believer to buy into the pitch. Granted, it’s not unpleasant to sit in the gardens and slow down for a moment, but at the end of the day, it’s a small park. We did hear mention of the bathhouse is open during the daytime and a popular haunt for skinny-dipping hippies. For the specially interested, I imagine.

Walking down from Glastonbry Tor.

My travelling companions for the week.

After the touristy trappings of Stonehenge, Avebury was something quite different. Much more like the holidays of my childhood really, with a careless pub lunch, a wonky icecream, lots of people milling around, noisy motorbikes and so forth. Again the parking was totally overpriced, though you could park there all day on the ticket (seriously though, Avebury is not a day’s worth of attraction, though you can pass your ticket on to someone else for a small bump in karma). The famous standing stones were there though, and available to touch, hug or take a selfie against. Not as iconic and well known as the ‘henge, but definitely a friendlier experience all around. And if you like your large, historic, mysterious, probably manmade bumps of ground, there’s also Silbury Hill nearby. It pays to read up a bit though, as the historical importance of the sites isn’t immediately obvious from what you can actually see.

Avebury offers unrestriced access to vertically aligned ancient stones.

The village of Avebury is situated inside the circle of stones.

The day after we noticed that the Clarks Outlet Village was also very close by, so we drove by there to take a look before engaging in more historical pursuits. Again, it’s the typical modern “outlet village”, which while it has a village-layout is really just a shopping mall by any other name. Its main characteristics are a poor selection of goods, goods produced to be “outlet products” and brands that really don’t belong there at all, and the whole bargain aspect of it is mainly in the advertising. The Clarks shop itself was large and well stocked, but the Clarks Originals section was more frustrating than anything unless you happened to have size 13 feet. No need to return here. To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m expecting at an Outlet place, though there used to be a lot of actual bargains on the previous season and odd stuff.

A very large Clarks shoe.

Another very large Clarks shoe.

I realise I’m sounding like an absolute grump. Full on Victor Meldrew. “Can you believe the price of admission?”. It’s so easy to focus on all that is disappointing and terrible, instead of seeing the positive sides of a trip. So to balance things out, I will make a point of mentioning that we had absolutely stunning weather the entire week (cynical voices are no doubt wondering if English Heritage has found a way to charge for this), the places we stayed were better or much better than expected, the rental Vauxhall Grandland was a good choice, comfortable and spacious and traffic was mostly blessedly light. And we had some great food and cider.

To add a little final interest to the garmsman, I can reveal that I mostly wore a pair of blue khaki trousers from Trickett, sneakers from Crown Northampton and a few white t-shirts. Functional and fine, perfect for a short holiday.

In summary, I’d very much recommend visiting Glastonbury and the Somerset area!

Trip report: Glastonbury and the South-West #cider #rant #englishheritage #stonehenge #entryfee #yikes #visitbritain #glastonbury #somerset #pie #avebury #guildford #ancient #historical #standingstones Mid May it was time to visit the sceptred Isles of Great Britain for another getaway mini-break.