#so i kind of want to just lose myself in something so i don't overthink it

[ruinreigns]

i spent all of yesterday working on a presentation for school , so i'm going to vibe with games for a bit and make no promises for interaction <3

[riririnnnn]

The one thing I hate about anything fictional—doesn't matter if the character is played by a real life person or not—is that I can't tell if things are intentional or unintentional. And as someone who L O V E S to overthink anything, I find myself losing my mind over Itoshi brothers. For instance, this:

In the above panel, Sae received the soccer ball for the first time during the U-20 match, and look at Rin in that lil panel—it's tough to explain, but before this, Rin was always shown to be hostile whenever Sae was mentioned/involved in a conversation. However, in this lil panel, Rin just looks so.. soft(?). There's a subtle and endearing kind of curiosity faintly visible in his expression, like, "Oh? What is he doing? What is he going to do now? I want to see, I want to see."

Are you getting me?

Of course, that lil panel is rather small and it's difficult to add too much detail in small spaces, so maybe that's why?

Who knows.

And how can we forget this panel when Shidou, unintentionally, kicked Rin's face:

I have talked about this panel before too, I think.

You see, Sae's face never had much expressions throughout the animanga—his face is kinda like 24/7 in nonchalant mode—so it's not that difficult to sense even the slightest changes in his face. I agree that if someone were to get kicked right in their face, anybody will be shocked, but, y'know, I just like to think that Sae's 'shocked' expression was more 'cause of the instinct an older sibling feels whenever their younger sibling(s) get(s) hurt.

And considering the recent chapters (270 & 271), I don't think my words are too farfetched.

On the same note, this:

This one is from Episode Omotesando and seeing the narrative, it seems like it's Rin's POV. And to think that this is how Sae is present in Rin's memory just tears my soul apart, y'know.

The flashback of the snowy night can be considered as a third POV, and we all saw Sae's expressions...

...which are vastly different than what we see Rin remembering him as—different than the lenses of Rin. So, is it a subtle hint that Rin saw something that we, readers, couldn't see? Since in the third POV, we only see disdain and anger and even disgust on Sae's face, but in Rin's memory—in the way Rin remembers his face—we see a whirlwind of emotions, and we can almost see a pitiful and even a sorry epression, like, "I'm angry with you and I know that it's not exactly your fault, but I don't know what else to feel."

...or maybe I'm looking at things too deeply and have gone crazy, eh?

[dontmixpaintinyourcoffee]

I came in making some REAL confident statements about the Lodger designs and these guys are just proving me so wrong lmao. I still love them though

I still stand by some of my points about the goggles and gloves? In that it makes the Lodgers uniquely science-y. I also still think that the various states of protective wear tells you something about how each of the Lodgers works. But I don't think it's as important as I had previously thought. Still, in the interest of overanalyzing for fun and because this is just how my brain works, on with the show! I have to remind myself that I'm doing this for fun and because I love this comic and art, not because I'm any sort of expert in design philosophy. Which to be clear, I am extremely not. I'm just a massive nerd. I'm overthinking this

Having gotten farther into the cast, I'm noticing three rough categories that you can put the Lodgers into:

Goggles/Gloves. At least partially geared up for their work.

Aprons! They maybe don't have any specialized equipment on them at the moment, but they do have some coverage.

None of the above! Helsby, Bryson, Flowers, and Luckett apply here. Helsby and Bryson make sense, their work doesn't happen within the Society itself, so they don't need to have any of their gear on them, if it's attached to their person at all. Bryson also has the consideration of being a parody of a pre-existing person, and you don't really want to change up the iconic look too much at risk of losing the joke. Luckett is kind of the same way I think, in that he's a homeopathic scientist. Literally the point is to use as little as possible. Though he should probably invest in some fireproof duds. Not entirely sure about an in-universe reason for Flowers, I think just putting in more detail would've made her feel overstuffed and busy. Sometimes you just gotta go with what looks best on the page!

I keep giving the female Lodgers really fun dynamic poses and then remembering that I have to cover it with their massive skirts lmao

I don't think Luckett is as irresponsible as him flicking fire into who-knows-where implies but I thought the pose was cute, alright? Also the thumbs up is definitely in response to someone asking what he was doing. He did not hear the question, his ears are still ringing. This will continue for at least the next 15 minutes.

Between the umbrella and the rosy cheeks and the candy I feel like Doddle is what would happen if Mary Poppins took over for Willy Wonka. Step 1 is implementing a billion child safety measures and making this madhouse OSHA compliant. But like, in a fun way

[scrubbinn]

Mimic HRT: 17 months “Sea legs”

“Did you really need to bring a recorder here? It's an aquarium hun. Do you really plan on interviewing yourself here?”

“It's not that, Abi. I just, with how bad my memory is, I want to make sure I have something to remember this moment.” 

“And you chose a recorder instead of a video camera because…?”

“I really want to eat the fish. This way I get to focus on your beautiful voice when I listen back.”

“...Gay.”

“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Kiss me maybe?”

“Maybe later. Come on, I want to get to the underwater tunnel before it closes!”

“I know it's Hyper city, but it's really cool to see so many therians here. Back in Canada, I'm lucky if I see one in a week.”

“There's a lot of us, yeah.”

“Is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing, just a little sad is all… 

Ok ok, I’ll talk, stop making that face, haha It’s just that, yeah there are a lot of us around. Still feels like we never get treated properly. We’re either freaks or walking tourist spots. I know things will get better eventually, but it's. I really wish I could figure out how to shapeshift into a more convincing human.

“You spent how long on this medication and now you're trying to look human again?”

“It's just useful, that's all. Besides, it's not like I have the right to call myself otherkin… Ow! Don't flick me hun, my skin is sensitive, and you could lose a finger!”

“stop overthinking things. Enjoy your time here and if anyone calls you out, then I'll kick their ass.”

“Thanks, but please don't fight anyone for me. No offense, but you're not exactly capable of doing damage to people hun… ow, ok ok stop it, ah! Haha, cut it out!”

“I'm not gonna stop until you start treating yourself better. You're my mimic girlfriend! You get to decide what you are and no one gets to tell you otherwise. Also! You have a bunch of other people here who would defend you like… is that a werewolf over there? Next to the robot and… um.”

“Pretty sure that's a cyborg, and also that looks like a black arms member?”

“Wait, like the-

“Abi, we're currently having a date in an interdimensional dead end, looking at fish that do not exist in our universe, and I'm pretty sure that fish over there is a badnik. It's really not that strange.”

“That's… fair.. I guess… Hey hun, I'm gonna go grab some ice cream real quick.”

“We're half way through the tunnel already. You sure you want to go all the way back?”

“I'll be quick, just stay put.”

Bzzzt, crackle, Welcome to the wonderful world of Hyperquarium! Thank you for choosing us as the one and only place that can bring fish together from around the worlds in perfect harmony! If you look to our left, you'll see our trained feeder get a chance to show off those gills and show you what only a shark therian can do, he's a professional so don’t worry about being bitten kids. This therian knows how to take care of others. This is also a reminder not to touch the glass as you may spook our feeder.

“Ugh, great, just what I needed, feeling insulted over an intercom. Why does getting second hand insulted have to feel worse? I'm definitely cutting this part from the recor- OW, OH STARS, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE… slithering, um, miss, are you ok?”

“Oh- I’m so sssorry I didn’t mean to, I sswear! This tail just gets sso long by now it’s… difficult for me to control at times. I uh… You haven’t seen any other Lamias around by chance? Or some people in brown uniformss?”

“Uniforms? You’re not on the run or something right? And no, I haven’t seen any other Lamias around, You’re actually the first I’ve ever really had a chance to see. I kind of thought I’d see more with how popular you guys are. But seriously are you alright?... 

Is- is that a shock collar around you?”

“Well… Yes and no- Yes thisss is a shock collar… okay uh- we’re not suppossed to call them that uh… It’s a.. “behavioral correction device”... But yess it’s a shock collar. And no, I'm not on the run… quite the opposite actually… I had a bit of an episode and lost myself in some instincts when watching the fish… and the next thing I know my group is gone and I'm.. I’m not supposed to be away from the group and… if I don't get back soon I might be in a bit of… ah ssscrew it they’re gonna be mad at me anyway… “

“So then… I know a good hiding spot to watch the fish if you want to hide a bit longer. I mean, if that’s ok, and I won’t get in too much trouble, and you won’t get in too much trouble, and I think I’m stumbling over my words, You want to just go hang out in the jellyfish room? It’s pretty dark there and they don’t allow any kind of outside lights in there.”

“Y-yeah that sounds nice! Low lightss could help with that headache. Uhm, what’s your name if i may assk?”

“It's Mayday, and what about you? What's your name?”

“Ah my name-.. It’s uh… oh wait.. I…hmm…Right! Aria… I think. I… am still not sure if I should change it… it’s uh.. complicated.”

* * *

“The jellyfish are really cool, just floating around with not a care in the world. I guess I get why humans find them so boring, but I think they're just not seeing how nice it would be. You know?”

“I totally get what you mean. Just being able to be you… going with the flow of thingss.. Not a care in the world. But that’s just something that therians like us can fully understand… other than the other animals of coursse right?”

“I'm guessing you're past your own crossroads then, like me, based on your words at least. You wouldn't mind if I asked you some questions would you? It's a bit selfish to ask after dragging you here, but I need to know something.”

“Ah well-... i am still “crossssing” it… doc said it will go on for another month or three… maybe longer they are all very vague about this stuff. But sure, I can try to answer to the besst of my ability.”

“So, what do you think of those that don't take that next step? Like the ones that decide they want to stay human in some way, aren't they cheating or something. Like they got to have their cake and eat it too, isn't it a bit unfair? I mean, look at you, you're getting escorted around in a collar by guards, and then we- they get to walk around with not a care in the world.”

“I don’t think that it’ss cheating… It is my choice to go through with it… and in the end I will be what I alwayss wanted to be… fully in both mind and sspirit. This of course will come with quite a few burdens… I am already forgetting so much that I would have loved to remember… But I alsso gain so much more which is just hard to desscribe. All I can hope for is that I ssomehow end up remembering all the faces of the ones that helped me get sso far… or at least ssome other kind of connection.  Those that however stay human to ssome degree have their own struggless to live with. For some it’s never being able to fully control yourself, alwayss having that bit in them that shines through and reminds them that they are sstill “incomplete” which can be a lot on their mind. In the end we all go our own ways, face our own struggless. No sside has it any easier I think than the other, it’s just… different, and you have to choose for yourself which sstruggles you want to deal with in the end. What you yourself think you are able to handle better. For me it was that I was just afraid that I couldn't control the animalistic sside of myself… I could just not live in this sstate i was in, i wanted to fully become me, hoping that it will set me free of the fearsss and anguish that my humanity brings me. But I know what it can cosst me… what it already has… still I weighed my options and decided that this is the best option for myself.  But if you think that where you are now is what is the best option for you, then no one should hold it against you, not even yourself… Does that make ssense?

“Wow, call me out huh. I guess I'm not as good at hiding these sorts of things as I thought. I technically went too far before I lightened my dosage. It left me, broken. Things don't feel right for either side, and I have things I just- there are things I can't let go of no matter how much I want this. It's like I'm splitting apart and I can't figure out how to be anything correctly. I'm not really Mayday, I lost all my memories in my first year. It should have been the perfect excuse to continue forward, but then I got to know Mayday's friends and family. And... I liked them, I liked them alot, I love some of them. I barely know them and when I met them for the first time it just felt right and they were crying like I died and. I can't put them through that. Not a second time. This human side of me just won't let go. I'm putting others before my own happiness again. I'm undermining your sacrifice, being a coward. Sorry I'm ruining your trip aren't I. I'll get out of your scales for you.”

“No wait! It’s okay, I’m used to doing thisss… sort of. Uhm sso… before I got put with the other Lamia’s… I was part of a group that… helped each other… there iss someone there that's a lot like you… multiple actually.. While they did not lose their memories… they stayed partly human too.. They did not continue like I did. Anyway, you’re a lot braver than me, I think.  You… lost your memoriess and still decided to stay with the ones that love you now and before, I don’t think I could have done the ssame. You’re still happy with them now aren’t you? I mean… the way you said it, it’s not just others happiness at stake but your own too. Sso… heh.. I don’t really know where I'm going with thiss but I think you’re brave.”

I can't believe I'm talking about all this with a complete stranger, solidarity is a powerful thing. Who knows, maybe we did know each other at some point and just forgot. But thanks. It doesn't fix how I feel, but it's a good bandage for now. In the meantime we can watch the Jellyfish together until you're ready to go back…

“Did you hear that announcement a little while back? Nice to see therians getting hired here but way to not only turn it into another tourist spot, but also insult all of us at the same time. Can you believe they actually said all that?”

“Oh my god yesss! How do you actually manage to be ssupportive and a total a-hole at the same time!? Urgh… It’s not just here though… god the way they sometimes announce our exhibit is just… urgh something about staying on the paths and not getting too close without sssupervision… like-... As if they don’t almosst OVERFEED us before so we aren’t even in the mood to hunt… and then these stupid collarsss too.. Sigh I thought this stuff is to make us get away from the negative ssstigma.. Not FEED into it..”

“Wait, I'm sorry, did you say exhibit? Like as in… you're part of a zoo attraction? Y'know, if I was still human, I would be throwing up at that. Is that why you're wearing a collar?! That can't be legal. Like when you say exhibit, you mean like they put you in walls that you can’t ever leave without people acting like handlers? That's disgusting!”

“Ah-... y-yeah? Well okay, it ssounds bad when put like that but… okay that's uh kinda the best option? It was either… have ssome other person keep me like a pet.. Definitely no, be put into the wilds far away from civilization and be not allowed within a certain disstance of any human civilization… also big nono in my eyes.. or… Join the lamia exhibit in the zoo. I’d still be allowed to see my friends… or, well, have them visit me at leasst… I can help fix the kinda negative view people have of Lamias ssince most think of the evil folklore… or video games…  I get to live with others of my kind in a gated community… food is taken care of… healthcare too… kinda… Honestly it was the besst of the options I was given… All I gotta deal with is people looking at uss all day… the stupid collarsss, handlerss… yeah… Maybe one day laws change, that we do not have to sign some legal ownership document stuff and can be free in the city as well… but until then… that’s how it hass to be.”

“I guess I understand, but that just sounds horrible to me. You can put up with a lot, if that’s what you're handling every day. Speaking of, are you going to be ok? Either your guards find us and something bad happens to you, or I jump in and take the blame for essentially kidnapping this zoo's pet. Either option doesn't sound particularly fun. Stars, I thought after finishing this transition I wouldn't have to deal with all this negativity. Somehow Hyper city ended up being just as bad as back home, only it's bad in different ways. This sucks. Is there really no other option that's better? I thought that lamias had intelligence comparable to humans, are your instincts really so strong that you'd endanger humans around you?”

“Don’t worry, they are gonna be quite mad at me, and i’m probably going to have to wait quite ssome time before they allow me my next outside trip… but as long as I sstay put, and don’t get in any situation that could be interpreted as me being a danger… they will probably not use the shock collar when they find me.  Well… the besst outcome would have been if at least they put my legal ownership to one of my friendss but… I wouldn't have wanted them to see me sslowly forget who I was and all the other legal stuff it brings with it… not to mention that most of them are therianss on HRT themsself so the state probably would gatekeep that somehow too. And please don’t put the blame on yourself, that would probably give a hefty fine if not jail time… rather leave the option open to see you again at the exhibit than have you banned from it. At leasst then I get visitors I know and like! And as for our insstincts… It’s difficult… yes they can be overwhelming but they get more manageable after the crossroads… At least that's what I heard from a friend. Ssomething about being more aware of them subconsciously. But for our intelligence being comparable to humans, that's true but mix it with our statuss being non human… and laws haven’t developed that far yet… we are basically categorized as animals. And with people being afraid of our fangs, ssnake parts and all that, I don't see it changing soon.”

“Oh that is so gross, I can't believe the universe would let something like that even happen. Sometimes I wish I could just bite anyone who ticked me off. But you're probably right. About everything I guess. I hate the idea of a place like that existing, but I'd rather not get in trouble and not have the chance to talk again. You're strangely nice to talk to, also I don't think I could afford bail if I got arrested. I probably would lose my chance to work with Erian if that happened. Maybe I can do some protesting in front of city hall instead… I also want to ask about that old support group of yours, and also… hm, maybe I shouldn't chew your ear off right. If you don't get into too much trouble, we could meet up to chat more? I'll make today up to you, if the zoo allows it I could get you a plush at the gift shop.”

“Ah-.. uhm… no… trust me that you do NOT want that… it’ss… no… you’ll not forget the taste… ever… *sigh* Anyway thank you that’s nice to hear, you’re also a lot of fun to talk to. A nice change of pace. Protesting could help! Make our voice heard~  I’d love a visit and another chance to talk too! The plushie would be lovely. As for my old ssupport group.. Yeah they are nice, you should really go and talk to them. We have an online presence so jusst look for… Therian THEMS support group!  There’s… a… white tiger… her name… uh… damn come on i know thissss… white tiger… and… brown… nghhh… come on COME ON I KNOW their… their namessss i know them…”

“Don't worry, it's fine. I live at THEMS actually, I didn't realize they had a support group. I sort of never checked around, and don't worry, I don't actually bite people… usually. Come on, we can try to sneak over to the gift shop and… um hey Aria, sorry if it's rude to ask but, well it's just a thought is all. Have you had a chance to see what you look like?”

“I-... I’m sssorry it’s… yeah. Yeah let’ss get there… Wait what i look like?... Now that you mention it… I kinda forgot my own face… not really any mirrorss around in the enclosure… we usually help each other with hairstyling and so on. Why do you ask?”

“Would you like to see yourself right now?”

“I… I mean sure? Iss there like a mirror around here or…”

“Supplemental: I had Erian’s help splicing the tapes together, He’s good with old stuff like this. I wanted to add this to better describe the scene. I want no possible chance I will forget this..

Ok, here goes. Descriptor: Morphing like that felt nice, I’d never done anything like that before, but, it just worked out. It felt like body and mind actually agreeing for the first time since I became a mimic. The faint pale glow of the jellyfish felt like it was a radiant sun illuminating not just the room but my shifting form. My mind felt complete. Sharp. Morphing into something with my human remains and mimic self in agreement for the first time. This state of change I went through, this was what I was meant to have. I could feel my legs twist and fuse into a tail that grew longer and longer. Teeth moved from my body and incorporated into fangs and claws. I could feel the chemical reaction inside of me as poison turned to venom. I never looked away, I didn't close my eyes. I just kept looking back at Aria, understanding every crease and shine in her scales. It was then I finally realized how much I had always wanted to be a mimic. This felt correct. The feeling faded eventually, but I knew I had morphed myself into a perfect copy of Aria, because when I looked at her I felt happy. Did the medication somehow know this is what I truly needed? I need more time to think. End supplemental.”

“Thisss- You’re- I- woah! This is uh- I’m sssorry I’m blown away by thiss! This is what I look like!? Wait before that- You’re a shapeshifter? I- Oh my. Thank you! I-... this feels a bit weird to asssk someone that currently looks like my exact twin but-... can i… you know… give you a hug for thisss!? I mean… looking at you it’ss… looking at everything i ever wanted to be I-... sssorry that wass a weird thing to asssk someone i jusst met earlier I-... Thanksss”

“You can give us a hug if you like. We don't mind being ssstrangers. Oh, we do that too, interessting. Eheheh, but yesss, you may hug.”

“Yeah you get usssed to it~ Okay then uh-... here we go. Thank you.”

“I think I hear people coming. I need to change back before any of those guards see two of you. Glad you enjoyed getting to hug a squishier version of yourself. I must feel like a marshmallow. Oh wait, I think my partner is gonna kill me if I leave her waiting any longer.”

“Haha~ I guess we both are going to get our ears chewed off by ssome people. It wass very nice getting to meet and talk to you Mayday, and I hope to see you again! Just… don’t take it to heart if I end up having to assk your name again or… worsse okay? Oh- and if you meet the people from the ssupport group… tell them i sssaid hi.”

“Will do, you better stay safe then, and don’t you dare end up regretting your choice, you got that! Enjoy your new life, and hopefully it won’t just be within a zoo someday. If you ever need to ask my name again, then I’ll be sure to ask yours as well. I look forward to meeting you again Aria the lamia.”

“Yes, I will do my besst to do that. I look forward to meeting you again too, Mayday the Mimic.”

* * *

“Abi, I’m back!”

“Oh my god where were you! I called like eight times! I thought something might have happened to you!”

“Sorry, sorry, I got caught up in a weird situation, I met a new friend I guess. You’d like her. she was really nice… Ok, yeah I’ll make it up to you. Really sorry for making you worry like that. Let’s go out to eat. This place kinda sucks. What about that sushi place you wanted to go to a couple months ago! I’ll pay for it.”

“You seem awfully cheery all of a sudden

“I just figured out who I am. That’s all.”

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Hey, hope you enjoyed what I think is the longest chapter by far. Normally I try to stick with two pages of text to get something that most people can keep their attention on. Not really possible here.

I'd like to take this time to thank @ariathelamia for collaborating with this chapter. She's so cool and you should go follow her right now. Do it right now. Do not finish reading this part until you double check you are following her and reading her Lamia HRT story!

Anyway, I'd also like to point out the cameos/mentions for Tiger HRT and ??? HRT by @tigergirltail and @home-sweet-hive, respectively. Both are extremely good and give me the inspiration to continue writing this story every single day. This story would have probably stopped around the fifth or sixth part without them. So you should go read those stories right now as well. Do it. Seriously though, thank you so much for reading. Have a wonderful day.

-Navi

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Mention list: @a-shramp, @calliecwrites, @be702, @respectfulevil, @hyacinthdoll1315

@aster-is-confused, @bloodandbrandywyne, @glitchgloop

[writingjourney]

I’m in need of some advice and kind words. As a fellow writer I’m really struggling to believe people will and want to read my stuff. There’s no real engagement anymore and I’m worried that if I post my long-form fic that no one will give it a chance. It’s really bringing me down because I love it so much but it feels like no matter what I try to do my stuff just doesn’t get seen or liked? I’ve even thought about changing my entire way of how I do things since I don’t think the way I write is working for the masses. How do you keep up the motivation as a popular writer and do you have an advice?

Hello anon!! I feel like this is something many of us currently deal with. And first of all I seriously hope that you do share your story!! ♡

To be completely honest with you the lack of engagement in the fandom has for sure impacted my own motivation which is why I haven't been putting as much time into longer fics (nor the Friday Nights series or IKNBS, I do write but I refuse to force myself). I don't feel any urgency because uploading fics hasn't made me as happy as it used to. It feels like only other active writers are reading fic atm and it creates a lot of pressure on creatives to stay super active.

I'm aware that I'm insanely privileged to have the engagement that I do have, that the type of stories I want to write are also the type of stories that generally seem to appeal. However, engagement tells you NOTHING about the quality of your work, only how many people are active in a fandom or like a specific pairing/character/trope. Your own unique voice matters more than numbers.

I also notice that a lot of people who used to read my works have disappeared which I completely understand. The fixation can ebb away during times of inactivity or when a certain hype dies down. People just don't get that dopamine hit anymore and move on. It's also entirely possible they get tired of a certain style of writing and prefer other writers at times, what do I know. I definitely don't blame anyone for that. First and foremost people should read for their own enjoyment and engage with fandom in a way that makes them happy. It makes no sense to pressure people into engaging. A huge issue right now is people overthinking these things which makes support transactional instead of genuine.

I don't care much about notes but I REALLY miss the feeling of sharing a fic with people who are excited for it, that sense of an active community. BUT the activity will come back – the movie will come out, new music and videos, heck even a whole new Papa!!! That's the natural flow of things. We can't be excited and super active all the time, we need phases of calmness as well (which is an act of rebellion in the capitalist hellscape of overproduction and churned out content. I am honestly glad Ghost is taking it easy).

Now, I recommend you write your story exactly how you want to!!! do NOT change it for the sake of popularity because it will lose its very soul and you will struggle to be happy with it by the end. You know how you want to tell your story and nothing else matters. It will find its readers or you can wait and share it at a later point. I recommend that you approach other writers and readers and intensify that contact, make friends and talk to them about your stories, hype each other up, share snippets. It's even more meaningful to know people you like enjoy what you do. I am currently working on super niche fics for non-Ghost characters and I'm honestly having a great time chasing that dopamine by just writing what I'm really into and sharing it with friends. Fandom is community, fandom is fun and we can work to make it better for everyone.

A few general tips when it comes to making stories accessible: Format them to be readable (paragraphs!!), add a "read more" break, add proper content information and a nice summary to draw people in, add some visual appeal like a banners or stock image edits (like i do for IKNBS) and then tag the fics with relevant tags (and only those). Also make sure to tag the OG post, tags on reblogs do nothing for reach. Engage with the community when you feel like it and it's likely that the community will engage back. Being supportive is worth it, being kind is always worth it even if it amounts to nothing.

[sabahs-stuff]

i saw your appearance change post on weight gain and i’m deeply inspired! but if i want to actually lose weight, would i say affirmations like “omg i’m so skinny i need to gain weight” coming from me being skinny?

Yes! Pookie. There are people who affirm all day, "I'm skinny, I'm skinny," and maybe they get results, but for some people like me, it's hard to be consistent when you overthink everything. My brain just never stops, so it's kind of hard for me.

If You're eating, just say "I didn't eat anything today (even though you ate a lot, just say it like you actually didn't eat anything). I'll lose weight if this continues. After that, whenever you see a mirror, damn, I actually did lose weight and be excited. If I don't eat anything, I'll lose weight. Or I'm losing weight. Do not doubt it; remember, if you doubt or start to believe something negative, you're doing that to yourself. No one can save you from yourself.

Affirmations like "I didn't eat anything today; why am I not hungry? Why am I losing weight? If I don't eat I'll lose weight. maybe drink water while saying drinking water helps to losing weight. That's a fact though. And remember, only affirm if you feel good; if you don't feel like doing so, don't force yourself. It's hard when someone is going through a lot. Don't be harsh on yourself; give yourself time. And be happy. I said this before: when you're happy, you're detached. Don't focus on the end goal; you already have your results. Whatever you're experiencing right now, it's your old assumptions. And it's already your past now, so instead of being sad about it, affirm the state where you have your desire. 

And literally, make fun of affirmation instead of just saying I'm pretty and I'm skinny all day. I tell myself affirmations like....

my existence is service to humanity.

If I'm going out with someone, that person is lucky.

That person is lucky to be wanted by me.

I've people kiss the groud I walk on.

Why wouldn't he be obsessed with me? first of all, looking at me, and second of all, I'm more knowledgeable than most of the girls he went out with?

And it's true; think about it how many people know about manifestation? And how Many people are actually able to manifest their dream life. So be happy; you're lucky. You're one of the chosen one. 🩷

Affirm and persist do not let go! No matter what happens.

[yelenasdiary]

Different Kind of Love || Part VII 2/2

Pairing: CEO! MobBoss! Natasha Romanoff x Assistant! Reader (Platonic)

Summary: Working for Natasha was never easy and being a low-level assistant for the CEO wasn’t where you thought you’d be after working your hardest for 2 years. After catching you in tears on Christmas Eve, Natasha’s cold ways start to warm up.

DARK Themes | Language Warning | DARK! Natasha | Mentions of Blood | Details of Torture | Murder | Violence | SA Mentions | Brief Mentions of Anxiety | Dark Thoughts | Mentions of Suicide | Mentions of Depression | 5K | 

Notes: Dylan’s dialog is meant to sound like how a 5-year-old would talk and his nickname is Dyl and not a misspell.

I want to give a HUGE thank you to @daddynattt for helping me so much with this last chapter! It means a lot to me and I just know my readers will also be thankful xx

Different Kind of Love Masterlist

"Are you completely sure?" Natasha asked just to assure herself she heard you correctly as you stood in front of her. "I don't want to hear a single word about it. Do it, but don't tell me when or how or where. I never, ever want to hear his name come from your mouth again" you explained, your stomach turning at the idea, knowing you just asked Natasha to murder somebody for you. 

"That fee-"

"Save it, please. By morning, I want to take my son home and you and I" you paused for a moment after cutting her off, "you are my boss, I can't get involved with this" you added. 

"Y/n, you already are" Natasha informed you, "you're asking me to k-"

"I know what I'm asking of you" you stopped her from saying that one word. "I need space from you, I need space from all of this. Please understand that I'm thankful for everything you have done for Dylan and I…but I need you to just leave us alone" 

Your words hurt Natasha deeply as she nodded slowly, losing you as her best friend wasn't something she thought about if you had ever found out about her true business. She watched you walk away before downing a shot of vodka and for the first time in her life, she hated what she did for a living. 

Morning came a moment too quickly for you, Dylan woke up with a burst of energy as he woke you from the 20-minute nap you managed to get in from overthinking all night. "Mommy!! It's breakfast time!!" He shook you the best he could with a sparkle in his eyes, "come on mommy!!" he added. 

"I'm awake, you cheeky monster!" you attacked him with kisses over his cheek just to hear his precious giggle and just for those short moments you forgot about the world, just for a moment. "Can I please have ice cream for breakfast?" Dylan asked once he had calmed down, giving you his signature baby face and puppy eyes in hopes of convincing you. "I don't think so Mr!" you smiled softly while shaking your head, "how about we go out for breakfast this morning?" you suggested. 

"Can aunty Nat come?" Dylan pouted slightly. You looked at your son and did your best to let him down easy, not wanting to worry him about anything that you knew. "She's got work today darling, so I think she's a bit busy this morning but I'm sure we can do something with her again another time" you said, brushing his messy bed hair back, "lets to pack up your toys and get home for a bath then we can go to iHop for breakfast" you added. Dylan sighed as expected when a child doesn't usually get their own way. 

You were able to get yourself and Dylan out of Natasha's condo without seeing her, telling Dylan that she would've already left for work. He was sad that he couldn't see the woman he called his aunty, and you could only hope with some deep distractions, he'd get used to her not being around much anymore. 

----

"Can I dress myself today?" Dylan asked as he played with his bath toys while you washed the shampoo from his curly locks that you adore so much. "As long as it's not summer clothing" you smiled before pouring another jug of water through his hair.

While Dylan took his time finding his own fashion statement for the day, you took a moment to tidy up your apartment and charge your mobile. It wasn't a surprise when your phone was charged enough that you had plenty of unread text messages from your mother and Natasha. You couldn't help but stare at Natasha's worried messages for a moment without thinking about what she could possibly do to Kane. Would she torture him? Or would she make it something quick and he wouldn't feel anything? You snapped out of your thoughts when a text from your mother popped up at the top of your screen.

"Honey, please call me when you can! Your father and I are worried about you xo – mom"

Feeling like a young teenager again, you did what the message said and waited patiently for your mother's voice to bring you comfort. 

"Darling! Oh my god, are you okay?!" 

"Hey mom, I'm so sorry about not being in touch. I had a work meeting come up and Dylan was up sick last night, so I haven't had a chance to look at my phone" You've never lied as well as you did just now. 

"Oh, my poor baby, is he okay?" 

"Yeah, just a little too much ice cream" you chuckled, "I was wondering, are you and dad free today for me to drop Dylan off for a few days?" You asked already knowing the answer, but you just had to be sure. 

"Of course, honey but that's a long drive, will you stay with us too?" Your mother asked in her worried tone. 

"I have a lot of work to do so I can't stay, but I promise when I come to pick him up, I'll stay for a while" 

"Is it the court stuff? Because if so, your father and I want to be there for you. We'll come stay at a hotel if you need" Your stomach dropped, and your mind instantly thought about Natasha and what she would likely be doing today. 

"It's okay mom, I would rather keep Dylan away from it all but I promise to keep you guys updated on everything" you did your best to keep a convincing tone. "We should be at yours a little after lunch time, I promised Dylan breakfast at iHop on the way" you added with a soft smile on your face. 

"Alright darling, we will make sure we have everything he needs. What does he eat? Toys he likes? Anything I can get him, I will" 

"He loves his fruit and veg so he'll love your roast dinners for sure! He loves fire trucks at the moment but I'll make sure to pack him with plenty of toys and clothing. He is allergic to honey but I'll write down what he likes and doesn't" 

"Honey? That's new" 

"Trust my son to be one with a rare allergy" you chuckled just as Dylan came out into the living room dressed in sweaters, an orange t-shirt on inside out and his firefighter helmet. You chuckled at your son who stood proudly with a smile, "I'll send you a text message when we're on our way, I love you mom" you added and hung up after your mother said she loved you too. 

"Look at you! Come here so I can fix your t-shirt" you opened your arms wide for him to come running to you and that he did. "Do you like my outfit mommy?" he asked with his smile still wide and proud, "I love it honey! We just need to get you a hoodie or jacket and you're all set" you kissed his forehead before taking off his inside out shirt to fix. "I couldn't find my red hoodie" he pouted, his favorite hoodie that you had a struggle getting it off him and into the wash. "That's because it needed a wash but it should be in the tumble dryer" you pulled the t-shirt over his head and put his helmet back on, "there you go my little fire fighter" you smiled. 

"Can we go to breakfast now mommy? Please, I'm hungry" Dylan picked at the herm of his t-shirt as if he was nervous. 

"We will, but first we need to go pack some toys and clothes. You're going to go have a big sleep over with grandma and grandpa" 

"I am?!" Dylan's eyes widened at the news with excitement, "you are buddy! Why don't you go back some of your favourite toys in your paw patrol backpack, I'll get your red hoodie from the tumble dryer and pack you some clothes" you suggested with a soft smile. Dylan nodded quickly before racing off to his room once again. 

----

Natasha knew you and Dylan were gone before she even made her way to her large kitchen, dismissing her personal chef and making herself a pot of coffee as she tried to keep herself from tearing up. Her phone buzzed with messages from Bucky asking what the plan was only made her sigh deeply. She took a shower and took a moment to clear her mind. She was going to kill somebody today and not just anybody. 

She would kill Kane in a heartbeat if it meant she still had her closest friend but the thought of not being close to you anymore dawned on her, not seeing Dylan's adorable little smile, not being able to feel like she finally made a friend on her own and not from the illegal acts of her business. 

Natasha had to remind herself why she was about to kill Kane. The hurt he brought you and your son, the fear she saw in your eyes when she read you the email he sent, the panic you had at the thought of Kane taking Dylan away from you. Knowing that since Dylan came into this world you weren't ever able to feel safe, always looking over your shoulder and wondering if you'd wake up to your son missing. All thoughts of your fears ran through Natasha's mind as she looked at herself in the mirror with a faint smirk on her lips as she felt herself soon start thinking about a world without Kane.

----

"Please stop!!" Kane begged, his face beaten and bruised and covered with his own blood. "If you're going to kill me, just do it already!" he spat with tears streaming down his face while Natasha sat down in front of him. It had been hours of harsh torture for Kane as Natasha soaked up his cries and begs to stop, she loved the sound of his life in her hands and knowing she had full control over his final moments. 

"Oh, I am going to kill you, don't worry about that" Nat winked before rolling her wrists, releasing a cracking sound. "Then what are you waiting for?! I've admitted to everything, I know I'm not leaving this hell hole alive so just do it! DO IT ALREADY!" Kane begged once more as Natasha stared him down coldly. "I like hearing you beg, it's fun. If I had it my way, I would've liked to let you go and have you look over your shoulder every fucking day wondering if anybody is watching everything you do. I'd love to keep you on your toes and tossing at night wondering if it was safe to be in your own home. But, killing you sounds just a lot better" she smirked as she leant back in her seat. 

It surprised Natasha how long Kane was able to serve the brutal torture she delivered to him. Plying most of his fingers off, breaking both of his legs with a sledgehammer, multiple stab wounds including two combat knives still stabbed through his hands that kept him even more combined to the chair he was chained too. Kane passed out a few times only for Natasha to drench him in cold, dirty water keeping him from any form of comfort. 

She could see the fear she installed in him, the loss of hope in his eyes, the trembling in his bottom lip, the shakiness in his voice, she had him right where she wanted him. Completely begging for her to end his pain. 

"You're fucking sick!" Kane threw his head back slightly, "what else do you want from me?!" he asked. 

"I already have what I wanted" Natasha chuckled leaving a smirk on her lips just before her phone broke the moment of silence between the two. Seeing your name lit up on her phone was the last thing she'd see today; Natasha left the room and took a deep breath before answering. 

"Hey" she spoke softly. 

"Don't do it, Nat! Please tell me you haven't already done it, please!"

"Woah, Y/n calm down, nothing has been done. Is everything okay? Have you changed your mind?"

"I…I want to talk to him, please" 

"Are you sure? I don't know if that's a goo-"

"Please Nat….if you're going to do it, I need to speak to him before you do it…please" you begged.

"Alright, where are you? I'll come get you" Natasha finally replied after moments of silence. 

"I just got home; Dylan is with my parents until things die down" 

"I'll be half hour, are you sure you want to do this?" Natasha asked once more. 

"I'm sure, Nat….please" you begged one last time. 

"Okay, I'll see you soon" 

"Thank you, Nat" you replied before the call hung up. 

Natasha walked into her office where Bucky had made himself a little too comfortable with a pizza and beer to keep himself 'busy' as he would say. "You're done already? I thought you would've been a lot longer" he looked up at the redhead with a cold smirk. "Y/n wants to talk to him" Nat grabbed her coat, "What?" Bucky asked in a confused tone as he quickly sat up, removing his feet from Nat's desk. 

"I'll be back. Don't let him fall asleep or die" she ordered as she grabbed her keys. 

----

The drive back to Natasha's bunker was silent. You could barely look at her, even for a second without the feeling of your stomach-turning upside down. She notices the way you couldn't stop rubbing your hands up and down the top of your thighs and the way you couldn't stop blinking or trying to swallow the lump that was stuck in your throat. 

"You don't have to do this, Y/n" Natasha broke the silence as she looked over at you for a short moment before her eyes focused on the road in front of her. "W-what?" you asked with a stutter when her voice broke you from your thoughts. Natasha pulled the car over, turned the car off and turned to you. "You don't have to do it" she repeated. 

"I do, it's something I feel I need to do before…you know" your eyes struggled to look at her for more than a second, "he needs to know what he did was wrong, and I don't mean that I don't love Dylan because I do. Without him I probably would've done something really bad" tears start to build up in your eyes, "but I've been hurting for so long and I need him to know that. This whole situation isn't how I imagined telling him, you've kil-…you did, I me"

"I know" Natasha interrupted making you look at her once again. 

"Please don't do it" the tears now streaming freely, "I can't live with the thought of it. I know you might be able too, but I can't, please" you added. Natasha nodded softly, "how can you do it? How can you live with yourself?" you asked before Natasha could open her mouth. 

"I" Natasha was speechless, she'd never thought about how she was able to torture people and take their lives without it playing on her mind. She got a kick from it all but she couldn't admit that to you, you'd think she's more than just sick. "W-what I do, what I have done…I, it's…I don't just target anybody. Everybody has something and honestly, they deserved what they got" she struggled to explain. 

"But you can't decide who lives and dies Natasha. You're a lawyer, there's rules, there are legal ways to deal with people. Kane needs prison time, nature will take its course, not you" 

"If you don't want me to do it, I won't. But I can't risk letting him free, you have to understand that" Nat reached for your hand, "you can't keep him forever" you frowned with worry as you pulled your hand away from her. 

"Y/n, I can't let him go. He'll talk and with the injuries he has, it would be believable"

"H-h…how bad have you hurt him?" You looked at her with fear while your tears kept streaming. "Can you please take my word for it?" she looked at you with pleading eyes, "I know you want to talk to him and you can but I don't want the image of him to scare you" she added.

"He's bad, isn't he?"

Natasha nodded. 

"He going to die anyway, isn't he?"

Natasha nodded once again, "I should've waited, I'm sorry" she spoke while you wiped your tears. "Let's just go before it's too late" you turned away from Natasha and kept your attention to the passenger window. 

The rest of the drive was just as silent to begin with, every now and then Natasha would look over at you and wish things were different. She wished you never found out. 

----

Natasha walked you to the room where she was keeping Kane, the only sounds that could be heard throughout her bunker were your footsteps and Bucky blasting some old radio tunes from her office. 

"Y/n, please wait" Natasha gently grabbed your hand and turned you to face her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that you found out about all of this. I didn't want you to know and I understand if you don't want anything to do with me again, I do but please…you're my best friend. I just want you to know that" she looked into your eyes hoping that you could see that she never meant for any of this to harm you. 

"Can you wait here? I need to talk to him alone" you replied almost shrugging off her words as she nodded. You took a moment to prepare yourself before opening the door, gasping to yourself when you saw Kane's condition. 

"Y/n?" he mumbled, covered in blood and smelt awful as you slowly turned away from the door to face him. A chair was placed in front of him, one you can only assume that Natasha used to intimidate the man. "Wh-what are you doing here? Y-you have you leave! Your b-boss, she's fucking cr-crazy!" he added in a stutter while you took small steps towards the chair. The sight of him made your eyes fill with tears once more, as much as you hated Kane, you'd never seen anybody as beaten and in pain as Kane is right now. 

"I mean it, Y/n! g-get out of here!" he choked, spitting out blood to the floor. 

"I..I need you to listen to me" you spoke as you sat down in front of him, his face swollen from the torture Natasha's fist delivered. "I'm sorry, okay?! I'm s-so, so, s-sorry! I hurt you and Dylan; I know but you h-have to get out of here! P-please!" 

"You hurt me, Kane" you ignored his pleas for you to leave, "you were my friend…I trusted you and you didn't listen to me….I said no, I begged you to stop" you added while remembering the night your life changed. 

"I k-know"

"You don't!" you spat with tears streaming down your cheeks, "you don't know! You didn't care! You laughed at me, held me down while you and your…friends…Kane, you hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt. You broke my trust, my confidence, my safety net, you broke me. Do you know how scared I was when that pregnancy test came back positive? Do you know how sick I felt? Knowing that I was pregnant by one of my…r-rapists…you made me grow up when I wa-"

"Please d-don't do this"

"LISTEN!" you shouted at him, even Dylan had never been yelled at in such a high shout. "I need you to know all of this, so please…just listen!" Kane struggled to keep eye contact with you as you waited for him to response, "can you do that? Can you listen for a moment?" you asked, finally Kane nodded. 

"I had plans, I had dreams and you took all over that from me. I couldn't bear to look at my parents after finding out I was pregnant; I couldn't leave my house because of you! My father wanted to kill you himself when he found out, when my mother found me on the floor in the bathroom begging for a god to just take me, she broke. You did that! I thought about hurting myself so many times that my mother had to sleep in the same room as me because she didn't trust me, she took me to my first appointment and the moment I heard my, MY baby's heartbeat, I knew I had to be strong for him. 

Since I found out I was pregnant I wanted nothing more than to get rid of him and hope I could somehow move on. I hated knowing I had a child growing inside of me, but hearing his heartbeat I realized he didn't deserve the hate and anger I had for him. I promised him, before I found out he was a boy that no matter what was going to happen, I would love them, I would protect them and I would do anything for them. 

Dylan is MY child, MY son. He is nothing like you! He's beautiful, he's caring, he's so full of life, he reaches for the stars with everything he does! He doesn't have a bad bone in him, he once made me look after a squirrel that was hit by a car and I did it for him, to see that beautiful smile he has. So don't you ever think for a second that Dylan is your son or that you have anything to do with him. Everything Dylan is comes from me!

I kept him safe; I kept a roof over his head, I gave him everything I had while you made things harder for me. I knew the moment he was born, the second I saw him I knew that it was your DNA. But for the first time since that night, I wasn't mad, I didn't wish for a god to take me, I was happy. I had a healthy, strong and beautiful baby boy" Your eyes stared heavily into Kane's while tears had now made a river of your cheeks. 

"I want you to hurt like I did, to only see darkness, to fear everything you do! I want you to never feel safe, I want you to wonder what you might wake up too in the morning. I want all your hopes and dreams to be crushed" you added when Kane's eyes dropped to the bloody splattered floor in front of him. 

"Y/n…I…I was drunk, we all w-were. Y-you said you wa-"

"No!" you stood up, your fists in balls of anger, "Don't you ever say I asked for what you did to me! You drugged me! You forced me to say I wanted it, that I liked it! Every day I remember something from that night, and it breaks me all over again!" you added in anger before slowly sitting down again. "You're going to feel guilty, are you? You're never going to see the wrong you did, the hurt you brought, are you?" you asked. 

"You d-don't think I'm hurting?!" Kane spat, "LOOK AT ME Y/N!" He shouted, "You did THIS TO ME!" he added. His words only confirmed your thoughts, "I didn't do this" you spoke as you stood up again, "you did this" you added before making your way to the door. 

"Y/n, I'm s-sorry! Pl-please! h-help me out of h-here! I'll leave y-you and D-Dylan alone forever, I pr-promise" he begged, his injuries causing his stutter of words. His begs only got louder as you ignored him and opened the too to see Natasha and Bucky waiting outside. With one hand you did your best to wipe your tears while the over closed the door behind you, draining out Kane's begs for help. 

"Are you okay?" Natasha asked as she took a step towards you. "Just do it" you nodded before your eyes dropped to your feet, "he didn't care" you added in a mumble, your legs felt wobbly as if you were about to fall, Bucky looked at Natasha who gave you a soft nod.

"He didn't even try to care" you started to sob as you started to walk away, "I'll wait in the car" you added without looking back at Natasha. "Hey, come here" Bucky opened his arms for you, without a second thought you crashed into him and cried as he held you. 

"I've got her" Bucky mouthed to Natasha who didn't want to leave you but it was only a matter of hours before Kane's body would shut down. She nodded to Bucky and waited for him to take you out of the bunker before she entered the room where Kane's cries for help came to a stop. Nat closed the door and locked it before walking over to the countertop and picked up her favorite combat knife and began to sharpen as Kane watched in fear. 

"Please stop, I'm done okay! You win! Just fucking kill me already!" He began to cry when Natasha turned and looked at him with a dark smirk on her lips. "I already told you, I'm going to kill you but after that I think it's only fair we deal with the reason you're here in the first place, right?" she chuckled as she walked over to him, kicking his chair over. He yelled in pain as his head smacked the hard flooring, not hard enough to knock him out but enough to give him a headache later on. 

"What t-the f-uck are you doing?!" He panicked as Natasha unzipped his trousers and harshly grabbed his cock from his boxers. "No, no no! PLEASE DON'T!" Kane yelled at the top of his lungs as Nat brought her knife closer to his penis, "I told you. It's only fair we deal with that got you into this mess first, didn't I?" She looked over at him and smiled as she kept her eye contact with him while her knife made a clear slice from the base of his genitals. Blood splattered everywhere while Kane screamed in pain, almost passing out. 

"Oh, stop your fucking crying!" Natasha as she pulled Kane's chair up from the floor before dangling his penis in front of his eyes, "Y-YOU CUT OFF M-MY D-DICK?!" Kane shouted while Nat chuckled, "it's not like you're missing much" she joked as she walked back over to the countertop of weapons. Kane's penis was tossed onto the counter as if it was a useless item that Natasha couldn't care less if it broke. She put a face mask on and grabbed the blow-torch before testing its blue flame causing Kane to squirm and shout louder for help, help he knew he would never get. 

"Since you think you know how to use this ugly thing" Natasha grabbed his penis from the counter with her free hand, the blow-torch in the other as she turned around and faced her victim once again. "You can watch me destroy it" she smiled before letting the blue flame turn orange as she lit Kane's member on fire. Kane was losing blood by the second, his skin turning pale as Natasha tossed the body part in flames onto Kane's lap, he screamed and squirmed as the flames came in contact with his thighs, setting him alight. 

Natasha watched by the door as Kane's screams were something she'd never heard from anybody before, she watched as his entire body became covered in flames. She let out a deep breath and left the room and waited for his cries to stop, when she knew that Kane had finally died, she turned the roof sprinklers on putting the flames out.

----

Bucky waiting outside your apartment door, not wanting to leave you alone even though you begged him to leave and slammed the door in his face. He didn't take it personally; he knew you were going through more emotions than he could even imagine. Natasha arrived to see him guarding your door while your sobs could faintly be heard from the inside. 

"She wants to be alone" Bucky looked at Natasha, "I couldn't leave" he added. 

"Give me a moment" Nat replied in a soft tone. Unsure if it was a good idea, Bucky moved aside, and Natasha let herself into your apartment. She could hear you crying from your bedroom and slowly made her way, knocking softly on your door. You ripped the covers off from over your head and looked at Natasha with wet, puffy eyes. 

"Is he?" you asked, unable to say the word.

"He is" Natasha confirmed, "I wanted you to know. You don't have to worry about him…or me anymore" she added. Slowly you sat up still looking at her, "please stay" you spoke before Natasha could walk away, she looked at you with surprise. 

"Y-you're my best friend and friends fight, we have up and downs but…. but I love you even if right now I'm a mess and have no idea what to do. You're my best friend, Nat. I'm mad at you, I'm confused, and it might take me some time to come to terms with things, but friends fight, right?" You smiled brokenly at her. "I don't want to be alone right now, I need my best friend" you added. 

Nat smiled softly with tears of her own filling her eyes, she took her coat off and placed it on your dresser before she made herself comfortable in your bed, letting you rest your head on her shoulder. For the first time in a very, very long time Natasha felt love, a different kind of love that she didn't know she longed for. 

"I'm right here" she whispered as you cried, letting yourself let all those built-up feelings over the past 6 years out. You were free, Dylan was free, and you have Natasha, your best friend to thank.

Taglist: @marvelogic | @randomnessbecausewhynot | @blackwidow-3 | @lilsmeaux | @mmmmokdok | @wandanats-goodgirl | @toouncreativeforausername | @agent99galanzo | @marvelwomen-simp | @its-just-geek | @fxckmiup | @loneliestafterparty | @pikachooo3 | @monaekelis | 

[positivelyadhd]

hello!! I have returned with another random thought about ADHD/neurodiversity that I feel like I've known for ages but never really had the words for it so! this is partially an infodump because I can't shut up but also if you don't mind reading my long ramble on the relationship between ND people and online spaces I would love to know your opinion because I haven't seen many people talking this?

I have written a long rambly thought dump that I'll put under the cut if you want to know the details but the TLDR is: I think something about the internet is just a lot more suited to ND people and gives us more of a place to unmask than the real world does? in my experience, the more online I was the more unmasked and happy in myself I was but when I started masking to fit in in the real world I kind of,, lost that?

I've always felt there's a very strong link between neurodivergent people and social media and well tend to gravitate towards each other (which I adore and would love to write an essay about one day when I can function better! I wanted to study it for my dissertation at uni but there wasn't really enough to go on sadly </3)

but I've also been thinking about masking and I just realised,,, in my own life at least, I feel like online I naturally unmask? and I don't know if that's because I'm around neurodivergent people online more often and them unmasking makes me feel safe to unmask or if it has more to do with the way social interactions are inherently different online (I always feel there's less room to overthink/it's less draining. I only have to think about my words rather than body language/expression/volume/how the other person is responding ect ect)?

I have been chronically online since I was about 12 and that has shaped me as a person very much (and saved me too <33) but I always felt more able to unmask online and was also more likely to actually be rewarded for it? by meeting other neurodivergent people that would talk about The Thing We Love!!

I met my best friends online and they all happen to be neurodivergent (although we didn't know at the time!) and I know this is a very common experience for neurodivergent people! and it's partly why I think the internet is so wonderful!

when I was younger I had a fanpage on Instagram that got more followers than it should've given how young I was and I'd become a part of a community I was so happy and safe in which kind of,, made up for the fact I didn't have that at all in school?

I have been having the usual quarter life crisis recently and a lot of that is because in those few years I had no friends but an online space I loved I was so sure of myself and my identity I think because I had a space I could unmask freely? I also wasn't very good at masking at school so I struggled to fit in but I was happier knowing I could be myself then trying to force myself to be something I wasn't?

eventually I did make friends irl who I adore but around that time is when I started to lose who I was, I hadn't realised until just now that the time I started fitting in with other people was the same time I stopped doing the things I loved and ended up so burned out most everyday tasks are overwhelming?

also like I see a lot of people say, getting my diagnosis taught me to start understanding how to accept myself and it changed my life for the better! my school didn't do anything to support me but I learnt a lot about myself and started to understand that I am,, different to neurotypical people and that's okay!! however,, back then the neurodoversity movement was nowhere near as great and listened to as it is now so I feel like I almost,, gave up? felt like I'd been told by the external world so many times that I had to mask that I learnt how to?

i think unconsciously I started masking instead of trying to grow towards self acceptance like I was before. but with the way the wider world is talking about neurodiversity now I feel like the whole concept of unmasking is more acceptable now? also I am an adult that can make my own decisions not a 13 year old that has teachers and other 13 year olds so I don't have to deal with people not accepting me the way I did when I was younger?

idk if that makes any sense but I have many thoughts about masking ! thank you for reading <3

[therethatstar]

star. STAR. Hi. I hope you're doing wonderful. So I'm here to give love! I'm sorry if my love is a bit clumsy. So I've read "there you are, a fixed star in my mind" and I have a lot to say. First of all, i find it so fcking cute that you have titles that relate to the sky and stars and your word play is galaxies and the universe, because it correlates so well with your name and i don't know but i find it so lovely. It's just a little think I observed, and I couldn't not say it. Second, let me tell you these days I've had such a bad ache in my right shoulder (it's impeding me from everything, even writing, it sucks) and reading that Peem is struggling with it felt so cathartic surprisingly. Relating to him made my frustration w my shoulder recede a bit. Now - I think you write the shift of tension wonderfully. I truly adored how it altered from that physical, tense tension and then it went towards unresolved feelings that were embedded with another kind of tension, a particular one that fits the wall Peem put up between them. It felt languid, the shift of conflict - from their initial bickering that felt like a facade for what they were actually doing, to the actual focal argument (conflict) of the whole piece. Also let me be incoherent about PEEM NOT BEING ABLE TO STAND PHUM NOT LOOKING AT HIM, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM. It ached so good, star. I love characters who have something and then lose it and feel so incomplete without it that they lose it. Especially when it comes from another character like GOD FCK I'M Phum asking for a kiss and Peem going "you know we don't do that" (paraphrased) is just DJAFHSF it made me feel like I was the one falling between the cracks of Phum's feelings right there thank you very much. I just think it's just fcking wonderful, you know? How you kept their dynamic and incorporated it so flawlessly into a fwb situation. Not even friends if we take it as it is. Hooking-up situation. I just think it's really neat how you made me feel like It's Literally Them and you shoved me and them into a conflict different from canon and you still made me feel so raw reading them coming to a standpoint, and Peem finally giving in to what he's feeling so viscerally. When he started demanding (pleading) for Phum to kiss him because that's he wanted to do previously I just lost it. I lost the plot. I wanted to shove myself against all the walls in my house thank you. And maybe I'm just overthinking it but I just think- Just the whole thing with Phum trying his shot, going for a kiss and then retreating completely when Peem slams the wall in front of him. I just think that fits so fcking well with his character and the trauma he wears on his shoulders like a mantle. Maybe he felt like an inconvenience, maybe he saw that it was unwanted and that made him recall all the times he felt so and just, did what you do when you feel like that. You back off. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but it was a delight to read it all. Here is my absolutely, ultimate favorite line that you gifted us: "He has to die a lot just to live a little with him," - this made me also die a lot so i can comprehend the power of this line. Holy sht. AGAIN YOUR WORLD PLAY ABOUT STARS AND GALAXIES AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH The smut? Amazing, thank you. Thank you for the flavors, star.

cole you are not allowed to make me cry first thing in the morning. absolutely not! im going to put you in a timeout for making me feel this much as soon i open my fucking eyes. we’re not talking for the next 45 minutes!

i read this ask many times and i have just been sitting with it because really…. how does one respond to something like this ? and im not just saying it just to say it but i genuinely feel like i don’t deserve this ☹️

like it’s just a silly little fic. and as a fellow writer, maybe you’ll get me on this one. but whenever you write anything, there are certain aspects of it that you like a lot and you hope that the reader catches on those little details but in reality, you’ll be happy if they literally just read it. so to see you bringing up details, it puts so much values on this silly little fic and now im just like, i don’t deserve everything you’re throwing at me and it’s making me feel things and I DONT WANT TO FEEL THESE MANY THINGS ON THIS FINE SATURDAY MORNING ! like how am i supposed to go on with my day now ? you must take responsibility cole !

peem feels a lot for phum like ALOT. he has been feeling a lot for phum even before the whole hooking up thing and i really hope people were able to catch that, otherwise i didn’t make it obvious enough 😅. and i think he genuinely does not know how to deal with those feelings. and that leads him to being a little shit sometimes because he thinks that’s the only way to get phum to pay attention to him, by pissing him off. and then he gets so used to that attention because really, phum is ALWAYS looking at him. that is not at all an exaggeration. so the moment phum stops doing it, it was driving peem up the wall that he starts doing dumb shit just to get phum to pay attention to him. i enjoy writing peem in this dynamic a lot.

when writing peem yelling at phum to kiss him, i just had to write it exactly like that because peem is really just a little shit. he’ll never take the first move. he’s needy and he’ll never admit he’s needy. he will find a way to make it about phum who is needy. and phum KNOWS this about peem. so a lot of time he gives in, because it feels good to give in because he doesn’t mind letting peem have it. and i think peem is slowly coming around too because sometime phum is a little shit too. sometime phum will be like “oh you want a kiss ? well that’s too bad. you can always come and get it yourself tho.” and yeah it’s a give and take situations, peem and phum know each others’ bullshit pretty well so they always give as good as they get.

with that being said and to what you said about phum, i do think phum is the type to give in more often. this version of phum, he’s not too much in his head most of the time. he’s a pretty straight forward person and he lays all of his cards on the table for peem. so perhaps, when you’re the only always give in, rejection will taste different for sure because now he’s actually starting to question his place in peem’s life. and if peem can just stop being too much in his head for like 3 seconds, he’ll see how down bad phum is for him.

and im sorry to hear about your shoulder pookie ☹️ i hope that it will start to feel normal again soon 🙏🏻

one time, i came across someone who said, being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back but you still choose to stay anyways sure feels a lot like you’ll have to die a lot just to live a little with them. and that struck me ever since. so im glad it did a thing to you too.

again cole, thank you so much for this. im going to read this ask over and over again and im going to think about it for the rest of forever. i hope you are doing wonderful as well and im sending so much love right now i hope you’ll be able to receive all of them ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[onlyjaeyun]

i have this question like, genuinely...

you always tell us you're going to start writing the chapter and post it immediately or just a few hours later..don't you edit them? and they're still THAT good?

like i genuinely don't understand bcz i have to edit something at least 5 times before i actually start liking what i wrote. and here you are just dropping the most scrumptilicious shit ever like??

is this a matter of practice? or do you just have to be born with that kind of talent? help your friend out and drop some tips, my dear... i'll even say pretty please

pretty please?

bless your sweet soul this is such a HUGE compliment and definitely made my day so thank you so much 🥺🥺💗

honestly, i think for me it's just a matter of practice because nack when i first started, especially on tumblr, i used to edit every paragraph so many times just bc i wanted it to be perfecg but the more i've been around as a writer the more i realised that there's no need for that, yk? believe me i'm the worst perfectionist ever however i have noticed that once i start overthinking and overediting my fics or writings, i lose interest and motivation bc of how hard i am on myself.

so my tip for yoj is to not be so harsh with yourself, at the end of the day artists will forever remain their own biggest critics so there's no need to make things even harder than they are. i am not telling you to not edit them at all, but keep it easy. i try my best to focus on spelling/grammar mistakes and every now and then inchange a word or phrase but that's it.

that's definitely made things easier and way more fun to me!🥺💗

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey sex witch, so i really like the idea of having sex but the very few times i ever got close to actually having it, i panicked. like couldn’t even do it. and i really, REALLY want to lose my virginity (i’ll be 26 this year ffs) but as much as i like masturbating and fantasizing about sex, the reality of it scares the shit outta me.

i should also tell you i’m a bisexual cis woman who has some SERIOUS body image and self-esteem issues. i’m what one could consider fat and i believe in fat liberation but at the same time as many fat activists i follow on insta or whatever i can’t help but feel disgusting about my weight. and whenever someone is explicitly sexually attracted to me i can’t help but wonder if i’m their fetish.

i also have a best friend who is really sweet and supportive of me but when i hear her stories about having sex on prom night and having multiple orgasms with her girlfriend i can’t help but feel inadequate. why didn’t i have sex on prom night, you know? why am i missing out on all of this??

hell, it’s not even just that i’m a virgin- i’ve never even been kissed!!! and i’m going to stop soon because i’m just making myself upset but like…wtf happened??? shouldn’t i have gotten my first kiss in middle school and had sex in high school or college like everyone else??? i know i’m overthinking it but at this point it’s hard not to…

idk this is a lot to put on you so if you don’t even want to answer this i understand. i don’t want to make you uncomfortable. thank you anyway!

hi anon,

so the thing is that I need you, pretty immediately, to stop comparing yourself to other people. it very well may help with your self-image issues, but my concern is first and foremost that it will help deal with this massive inferiority complex you're rocking in regards to sexual experience.

you seem to be under the impression that it's abnormal to be a 26 year old who hasn't had sex or kissed anyone, and I guess I'm wondering why the fuck that matters when it sounds like sex is an extremely scary prospect for you. like idk babe, let's maybe focus on getting to a point where having sex doesn't make you panic before we worry about actually doing it, you know? at the moment, it sounds like sex would just be setting you up for a boatload of trauma.

having said that I guess I'd say that I can't tell you why you've missed out on all of this because, by your own description, you've panicked and been unable to go through with it any time you've gotten to close to having sex. that's probably, sincerely, a good thing; I'm not sure if you're under the impression that just sucking it up and forcing yourself to have sex would have improved your relationship with your sexuality, but I've found generally that's not the case.

(more often, it ends with people struggling to figure out how to regain literally any sense of ownership over their sexuality.)

so idk, let's do some self-reflection here. it sounds like you've opted out any time sex has been an option. why was that? were the partners unsuitable? was the situation not right? or was the idea of sex in and of itself just unbearable? in your mind, what would the ideal sexual encounter actually look like? is there one?

I'm deeply sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but here's the thing: when someone tells me sex scares the shit out of them, I don't want that person to be having sex! there's no reason to put yourself through that kind of stress! what the fuck!

look: sexual development doesn't happen on any kind of age-related timeline. partnered sex is a thing that should happen when it's something you feel excited for, when you have someone that you like and trust to partner with. if those conditions haven't been met, there's no reason to be having sex. focus on literally anything that is in your control, like finding the things that help you feel more at ease with your body. you know the saying about how no one can love you until you love yourself? often misinterpreted and/or grossly oversimplified, but it seems dubious that you're going to want to actually let anyone have sex with you until your body isn't something you find disgusting, so it does apply.

[the0nlyallison]

Just a vent

Oh shit okay there's a lot my bad lol

You know what? Fuck you, Benji. Fuck you. I told you so much. I felt so much. And that shit hurts like hell. I let my fucking guard down for one goddamn second. Y'all always plan it out. You let a girl fall in love, and the second you absolutely 100% know she's in love, you destroy her. It's what every guy does, isn't it? I've tried and tried with guys. All they wanted was my body, didn't care about my personality or who I was at all.

But you did. You didn't give a shit about my body. You talked about how much you loved my eyes, my smile, my laugh, the way I blush whenever you just look at me or talk to me, my stubbornness, how much i fought for you. You called me beautiful and sweet and kind. Nothing regarding sex or sexual desires.

You listened to me complain about family issues, ramble on about school and my future, listened to the little kids that talked to you while I was volunteering at the school. You then said you wanted to get married and was looking for houses and rings. Not gonna lie I was also looking for houses and had already started ordering house essentials. You had me pick the wedding date... May 14. I created a Pinterest board for you, with love quotes, date ideas, and things that just reminded me of you. I created a Pinterest board for our wedding too. And Karson was so fucking excited and instantly started to plan it. He said he 100% had to be there to see it. He said he was our son.

The day before you ended it, hell, the night before, you called me your cosmic brownie, asked to see my ring finger, gave me finger hearts, blew me kisses, said you loved me, called me beautiful, laughed at me blushing at you calling me beautiful, and begged me to stay with you on the phone all night. I had no idea. How was i supposed to know?

Then you tell me I deserve better and need better... You don't know what the fuck I need or deserve. I'm not gonna find no one better because you were literally perfect. I felt like I could be me. I felt comfortable with myself and in my own skin. I knew I no longer had to hide myself to please others, which is what I have been doing for seventeen years.

Your overthinking got to you, Benji. It did. No, I wasn't gonna find someone better. No, I wasn't gonna cheat on you like all your exes did. I was with you and only you. I didn't look at any other person, I didn't want any other person, except for you. You were who I wanted. No, I wasn't gonna lose feelings. My feelings grew stronger each day. No, I wasn't overthinking or upset at you. I got a little lonely on your busiest days, but I knew those days you were having fun and you were happy and I was really happy about that.

We weren't gonna be two hours away forever and you weren't gonna be that busy forever. We could have worked. You just lost faith and hope and let your thoughts take over instead of trusting in what you and I had.

But blocking me on fucking everything, saying you wanted to forget it all, that shit hurt like hell. I know damn well I wasn't bad to you. I did my best. I responded as soon as you sent me a message, I supported you with everything, I tried to reassure you, I tried to make you happy. The only thing I can think of, if I had to do something wrong would be not verbally talking on the phone, but you seemed to understand and said seeing me smile at you and your words was enough.

I really love you Benji. I'm that kinda person. I fell hella hard for you. And I'm not falling again. That was my last shot. I'm not gonna get hurt again. The pain is unbearable. I can't breathe. Everyday I'm fighting for my life. I'm crying over everything. I get so so numb and anxious. I don't smile anymore. I'm just here existing.

[im-a-matt-girl]

"Perfect"

In your bed, between your silk sheets we lie, absentmindedly playing with each other's hands. My heart is in my throat; I don't know how to tell you how I feel about you. We're friends, but lately I've been wanting something more.

I'm nervous because I've never been in a relationship before. I don't know how to navigate this whole thing. I know that you have, so I've mostly been waiting for you to initiate something with me. But then again, I haven't been able to admit my feelings for you, so I don't even know if you're aware of them.

I turn to look at you, and you smile at me, then go back to looking at your phone. I put my own phone down and sigh. I don't know what to do with myself.

"What's wrong?" you ask me softly.

I slowly shake my head. "I don't know. Just thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" you reply, setting your phone down and turning your attention toward me.

"You," I answer without thinking.

"Me? But I'm right here," you say, holding my other hand with yours.

I silently gulp. I don't know which words to use to tell you how I feel about you. I don't know how you're going to react. I don't know if this will ruin our friendship. "I don't know…" I murmur quietly.

"Emma, you're overthinking again," you gently remind me. "Whatever you have to say, I'm here to listen."

The way you're lightly rubbing my hands with your thumbs is causing me to lose my train of thought. I can't focus on anything except for how good you make me feel. "I love you," I whisper.

Your eyes light up, and a glowing smile sweeps across your face. "I love you, too," you tell me.

I look at your beautiful face, and I feel my cheeks growing warm. I can't help but grin; you are the light of my life. I'm so lucky to be a part of your world. This feels surreal; I can't believe that you love me, too.

"I mean it, Emma," you say, as though you can read my mind. "I love you. I love you so much."

I feel my smile falter as you stare longingly at my lips. I've never been kissed before. I don't know if I'll be good at it at all.

You lean in and kiss me, anyway. It is soft and sweet and warm.

I close my eyes and let you kiss me. It makes my head spin. I don't want it to stop.

You delicately cup my face in your hand and continue kissing me. You look into my eyes and smooth your thumb over my cheek between kisses. You make me feel things I've never felt before. You know how to reach inside of my heart and touch me in places that no one else has. You can calm my mind and relax me the way nothing else has ever been able to.

I'm so in love with you. You are perfect.

************************************

for @thetriplets3 ♡ ily

[silvernyxchariot]

Sunday x HSR!Nyx

🎶It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.🎶/ref

Synopsis/Warnings⚠️: This will be written as Sunday joining the Astral Express. I was going to write this as a general Witch!Reader x Sunday set of HCs, BUT… I decided against that. ⚠️Now, it is something comforting to myself. This is very fragmented. Written like a set of class notes, so if that isn't your yum, don't yuck mine (aka just leave me alone or block me).

• Trauma, Trauma, Trauma, and a sprinkle of Trauma. Did I mention trauma? HSR!Nyx plays the pagan witch that helps Sunday heal from Gopher Wood’s manipulation and grooming (Nyx follows Ouroboros the Voracity, but plays as Destruction in-game). Nyx looks at Sunday as the representation of those indoctrinated, brainwashed, and stripped of their individuality.

• They couldn’t help but see their past self in Sunday’s hopeless eyes when the poor man was dumped in front of the crew, causing them to have sympathy for the now homeless Halovian. Nyx’s offers to let Sunday stay in their room while Pom Pom prepares Sunday’s own room.

• “I’ve been there. Done that. It never works.” And now seeing him desolate, a mixture of disappointment and sadness rested in Nyx’s heart when the two of them relive what Sunday’s plans using Ena the Order were. While Sunday no longer has the support of the Oak Family and may never see Robin again, Nyx provides a connection to Sunday, a person who can understand what it feels like to lose everything for a cause that one believed in so passionately.

• “Dancing with Devils at Moonrise,” HSR!Nyx’s banner. With Sunday becoming comfortable with the Express crew, he shows them more of his interest and kind nature. Nyx and Sunday dance a fine line between chaotic and orderly. Sunday shows Nyx kindness and support that a healthy growing relationship should have and allows them to remove them from their traumatic thoughts. Both are overthinkers though. Sunday is also a big people pleaser: March 7th and Trailblazer take advantage of this and pull pranks on him.

• “Protect what matters to you. Robin made a deal to keep you out of hell. If you don’t live for yourself, then live for her sake so her sacrifice won’t be in vain.” Nyx would draw sigils in Sunday’s palm while also saying things they think would be helpful for Sunday.

• “When all hope is lost, we look to the stars for hope.” Uses unhinged shit to bring him out of his shell, “Okay, Sunday. Break this entire table full of glass ornaments,” with a tarp underneath for easy clean up later or else Pom Pom will be furious. “But WHY? What’s The Purpose—” Nyx subsequently kicks down the entire table, much to Sunday’s horror.

• “Even your darkest side is a part of you. Harness all of your power.” Acknowledges Sunday is still a grown man that has other life experiences. Leads by example, dragging Sunday along on dangerous stunts when the crew runs into dangerous situations on their next planet, as the Express crew does. Nyx brings Sunday along to commit borderline arson to defeat enemies, also to the Express crews’ horror. “Swallowing them like I did will only poison you more.”

• “I want to bite,” the goth-witch-girlfriend trope that does gremlin shit, like biting his wings out of nowhere. Sunday, the tired-golden-retriever-boyfriend, who learned how to deal with Nyx’s fickle attitude and “mood swings,” knowing full well he now has a murderer as a bodyguard.

• Selfcare days. Mandatory meditation and cleansing days. Retail therapy. Letting Sunday be an adult who wasn’t allowed to be a child, “Buy your Robin merch, I’ll pay for it.” “You want to dye your hair red like Himeko’s? Okay.” “You want to get more piercings? Sure. Let’s got matching pieces.” “But isn’t this all just avarice and gluttony. I don’t need this—” “Put it in the cart, we’re buying it.”

[manicsweetheart707]

This has been a pretty harsh month for me, that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to make it a good one, if I could describe this month I would say that I’ve been pushing myself through it, I’m doing my best to not let the negative thoughts get to me.

Trying out new things is not always the easiest thing to do, but it's part of growing up; I wanna keep growing as a person and I think being aware of shit that happens to me, of my thoughts, even if they're not always positive will help me in that process, because I want to fall in love with life, and loving something implies loving the pretty and the ugly.

I really don't wanna do this alone, the growing uo thing, and maybe you reading this don't want to either, so maybe if I start posting these monthly recaps we can help one another to feel company in some sort of way, with time this will evolve to fit each other's needs ig.

Tennis

This month I started to workout like fully, last month I began taking tennis classes but skipped a lot of days due to me being depressed, that made me feel pretty stupid because I payed for those classes, the economic situation is not good enough for me to be wasting money in classes I’m not taking y’know?

I switched my classes from tuesday and thursday to wednesday and friday, and I feel it has helped me in keeping consistency a lot better, my mom’s also been the one taking me to class because I’m fucking stupid and it made me panic not finding anywhere to park my car so I ended up directly not going to class, I know that sounds so stupid but I tend to take those kind of situations as an omen that something is going to go not according to plan and that I’m gonna fuck something up, so yeah-

Chloe Ting

Besides tennis classes this month I also started Chloe’s 2024 summer shred challenge; I figured it would’ve helpful for losing weight and helping me build endurance for tennis, it’s not the first time I try to workout from home with youtube or something, but it is the first time I actually feel comfortable doing it in a sense that I haven’t given up and I don’t plan on doing it, even if I’ve been too depressed to do shit I haven’t skipped any days, I think the fact that the app has like a nice percentage indicator motivates me to keep going.

Maybe doing both tennis and Chloe’s routines in my current physical state is not ideal since I’ve been feeling a bit nauseous this past days, but I am doing it either way because I’m not giving up, I am a strong bitch and can do whatever I set my mind to.

I am not in a good mental state right now, the crippling feeling of how everything I do is wrong and everything I touch gets all fucked up is coming back strongly, even tho I’m doing shit that’s supposed to help me emotionally, they say that working out releases endorphins right? I drink a lot of water and been trying to keep myself distracted with other activities to stop myself from overthinking, but nothing really seems to work, the loneliness is a constant reminder of how fucked I am and how little value I have in other peoples lives. And I know that if I keep telling myself just how fucking awful I am I’m just gonna end up pushing people even further with my negativity. Loneliness is like a crater, sometimes no matter how much you scream no one is there to hear you, and the times there’s someone your throat is just too sore to let them know you’re there, and sometimes when you find a ladder you feel oh so scared of what’s outside to climb up, it’s really fucking difficult man.

My vacations are sadly over, although I only have 2 classes this whole semester I still feel a bit anxious about going back to uni, it’s a mix between the people and the work, I’m usually pretty work focused while I’m at uni so I don’t give myself enough chances to be friendly with people (adding to that the social anxiety), this semester I need to work on my degree proyect/thesis/whatevs and that makes me oh so nervous I really want to give it my best and don’t fuck it up.

There’s people I don’t like in my trademarks class, I don’t think they’re bad people, but their voices annoy me, which ig makes me a bad person, but I can’t help it they’re too loud and speak too fast and talk with so much confidence over topics they don’t know shit and that annoys me. I’m being a bitch, I’m sorry.

I find it particularly scary having to build a portfolio, and begginning the whole working thing, although I hate my current state of living I do like having my own time and bedrotting whenever I feel like it, growing up is so fucking scary isn’t it.

It’s a terrible idea to replace a bad habit with another bad habit, and this month is the month I’m trying to get skinnier, so I’ve been working out, starting a diet, taking laxatives, and most importantly cutting sugars; that has been really hard for me and I think it didn’t help that much to the darkness I was feeling the first half of the month. I am aware is a terrible idea, for a while whenever I got sugar cravings I used to light up a vanilla incense stick and hope for the best but it really didn’t helped, and since I discovered that mints do have calories and shit I don’t really want to eat them no matter how much I love them. So I thought a solution to my problems could be vaping, I can’t get fatter from it can I? I bought a blueberry one, I do enjoy it I think, I like that is minty and I’ve always been a huge fan of candles, incense, that type of stuff, I feel like I’m in some sort of way eating a candle. It does make me feel a bit guilty because I am pretty aware of how awful nicotine is, and that vapes are far worse than a cig, and also that my mom has asthma yet here I am probably fucking up my lungs, but I think right now, currently, it makes me feel even guiltier to actually eat sugar.

✦ Keep losing weight and being consistent with my workouts

✦ Progress as much as possible on my degree project

✦ Reorganize my notion

✦ Set up a dating app profile maybe?

c u next month!!

xoxo, mani

[selkiewife]

8, 17, 25 please and thank you

Thanks @owlsinathens my love!

8. You hope more people will come to appreciate ___ (a ship, a trope, an episode, etc.)

Oh my god I have so MANY! lol. This won't be all of them but I'm trying not to overthink these: A Song of Ice and Fire: More appreciation for the potential of Theon surviving and for Theon eventually gaining some FREEDOM in LIFE. More appreciation for the Theon Sea Reek symbolism (How the Sea Reek was a giant sea monster) More appreciation for Theon's prophetic dream (And how it parallels Jon's Dream.) More appreciation for Theon's connection to Euron and Bran. More appreciation for the symbolism of characters receiving a kind of weirwood stigmata (like when Dany eats the heart- bloody hands and mouth and then losing her hair to the flames, Catelyn Stark after saving bran, Theon- bloody mouth and hands, red leaf falling on his head, etc etc.) More appreciation for Tysha & Tyrion. More people tagging her as Tysha Lannister because FUCK YOU TYWIN. More appreciation for the Tysha is the Sailor's Wife theory. Tysha & Tyrion forever. More appreciation for the parallels between Theon & Jeyne and Tyrion & Tysha. More appreciation for Tyrion ships in general. More appreciation for Tyrion's dragon dreams that he STOPPED HAVING after his trauma and then the contrast with Daenerys beginning her dragon dreams as a response to her trauma. Daenerys x Tyrion as a ship. More appreciation for Mance's band (like literal band lol) of spearwives. Game of Thrones: The acting. I'm serious. I want there to be more analysis about it- I want to go into the tag and see paragraphs dissecting the minutia of Michelle Fairley's Red Wedding Performance, Alfie Allen as Theon performing Reek performing Theon, etc. Tyrion's trial. But also the actors that don't get as much appreciation for the early seasons- like Issac as Bran when Ser Rodrik was executed etc. Also more (or any lol) appreciation for the Reek foreshadowing in Theon's scenes in season 1 and 2. I'll do a gifset eventually about this. Appreciation and analysis of the 4 episodes GRRM wrote (I am actually going to do this myself soon and also make some gifsets of the scenes from these episodes.) More appreciation for the music and Ramin Djawadi. Not just the beauty of it, but the use of certain instruments for certain characters, the META of certain characters sharing a theme- like with Jon and Theon. Also, I would love it if there was a mass movement in the fandom- a petition or something for Ramin to write music to The Seasons of My Love. More appreciation for THE FIX IT FICS! More appreciation for the idea of Daenerys x Missandei x Greyworm as the show's three heads of the dragon. Got/Asoiaf: More appreciation for combining canons in fics, art, and other fan creations. More appreciation and understanding of gifmakers who take scenes from the show out of the show context to depict scenes from the books. Fire and Blood: The Sylvessie ship (Essie x Sylvenna Sand) Gaemoms forever. The conquerers as a TRUE threesome, with Visenya and Rhaenys in love with each other as well. (I would give anything if they portrayed it this way in the show adaptation.) HOTD: More appreciation for AEGON'S DREAM! I really love the exploration of the Targaryen Dreamers. Also more appreciation for Aemma Targaryen's birth scene. I can write more about this later but I loved the way they showed the horror that birth can be- especially when choice is taken away. Harlots: I hope people come to appreciate all of Harlots IN GENERAL. The whole thing. Watch Harlots, Love Harlots, Obsess about Harlots. Also, I would like more people to appreciation the ship Birchlace (Nancy Birch x Emily Lacey.) Seriously if you look at their interactions over the entirety of Harlots it makes SO. MUCH. SENSE. as subtext for a ship. I know it wasn't meant that way but. It is delicious. I really do still need to write this fic. Black Sails: More appreciation for Jack/Anne/Mark Read- and more appreciation of the transition of Charles Vane/Jack/Anne to Jack/Anne/Max to Jack/Mark/Anne.

17. The thing in canon that everyone loves and that you also love.

asoiaf: Theon's Godswood scene. The old gods, they know me. They know my name. Shoot that scene directly into my veins. Carve that monologue onto my gravestone. Harlots: "I loved your ma, you silly cunt." the line heard around the Harlots fandom said by the iconic Nancy fucking Birch! Black Sails: A STORY IS TRUE A STORY IS UNTRUE. And all the other amazing writing that makes my brain unravel. Madi's multitudes, Silver's speech about having no story. Flint's there is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it. I have CHILLS.

25. a piece of advice for taking care of yourself in fandom spaces

Concentrate on what YOU love and don't feel bad about it. I'm serious. I have problems with this as well and it's hard NOT to care about what people think because part of seeking out a fandom for something you love is finding community in your enjoyment of something. But believe me, you will find your niche of fellow fans if you just fearlessly enjoy what you enjoy. And personally, I wouldn't even give what you don't enjoy any time at all. And really try to cultivate not getting upset if other fans are enjoying a headcanon or ship you hate or a character in a way you disagree with. And cultivate putting more of what YOU enjoy out there instead. (This is all advice I give myself too everyday and I don't do this well so I'm not trying to be all wise about it. It is just what I am trying to do and when I succeed it really makes everything more enjoyable.)