#so i find myself not minding in the end but i like having a work life balance lol

[ririabeam]

𝗕𝗶𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗗𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

—

I drew this to cope with my birthday depression.

Took 5 months. I also wanted to beat my old manhwa from 5 years ago.

-- Long post ahead! It's my WIPS and thought process. --

Junko is my comfort character as she's the only character I know who hates her birthday.

(Screenshot from Ultimate Talent Development Plan)

I know she’s a villain who has done a lot of bad things, but finding comfort and liking her doesn’t mean I excuse her actions.

A lot of painful feelings went into this, even in Mukuro's perspective so please respect it 🙏🏻

—

- WIPS & Thought Process -

—

Story Script Writing:

A lot of thoughts and feelings went into my script.

-I removed sentences like “For giving me cake!” as I wanted to do more showing than telling.

-“Why do you seem so happy Mukuro?” is changed to “Why are you smiling like that, Mukuro?” as I wanted the sentence to focus more on the thing Ryoko noticed. Mukuro would definitely be happy celebrating Ryoko’s birthday, and the new sentence would help to understand how Ryoko interpreted that Mukuro was more happy than usual.

-“good day” is changed to “great day” for greater emphasis of Ryoko’s happiness.

-A pun is done on “live”, I wanted this sentence to convey the complicated feelings of Junko. She doesn’t want to “live” a “fabricated happy lie” as it goes against her honesty moral. But there’s also a part of her that doesn’t want to kill Ryoko, as she doesn’t want to “leave” this “fabricated happy lie”. She wants to be happy as Ryoko, even if it’s a lie.

This part is a big reference and a reply to Danganronpa Zero.

The background texts are quotes from Danganronpa Zero.

Junko saying “What the hell? Hope?” is a reference to Danganronpa Zero’s ending:

Reading Danganronpa Zero feels like it’s saying something to me: “We are trapped in a loop of despair and hope.” and I’m replying with this part as a “Yes, I agree.”

Junko being confined in her mind is another thing I like about her too. 

I feel the moment we are born, we are trapped, that’s why I ended this comic with “I wish I wasn’t born.”

The moment I’m born, I’m unwanted and worthless, a monster.

I’m trapped in my mind, in other people’s judgements and expectations, and there’s no way out.

I can’t just turn invisible and there’s always something for people to judge and hate. And that hurts when it’s something important to you or you can’t change about yourself.

But even with all the pain, I think of hope to carry on and it’s a loop to fight to live.

I think I make progress with healing but then I’d think wth I’m made to work on this. Cause my life is already scripted from the moment I was born— I’m scripted to have this trauma, this story made my personality and character so in the end I’m still trapped.

So that’s another reason why I find Junko a comforting character and why I feel birthday depression.

I thought of the story first before I thought of the characters who would play it, so I had to make sure it’s in character. 

Things like if Mukuro would say “AU” or “Alternate Universe”. I felt since she spent a lot of time with Junko who knows a lot about these things, she would have heard of this and know the short form term for it. Especially since she had to be Junko at some point.

Since it’s a story about Birthday Depression, my thoughts instantly went to Junko then to Mukuro. It was the perfect story theme to write for them especially cause they are the despair sisters. 

Plus, they are two characters I can feel their struggles and feelings deeply for, so I can write and draw deeply for this story.

Birthdays tend to be happy, and I felt the only kinda right time I can talk about my birthday depression would be on their day.

I felt suffocated and lost myself over the past few years, as I felt I needed to be happy no matter what. When I opened up about sadness and my struggles, people would hate and invalidate me for it. I feel my art reflects that, I don’t like looking back at my old art. It lacked my true feelings, but I feel I’m finding myself again in my Mirai Nikki and Danganronpa art.

For the past few years I tried to celebrate my birthday to try to make myself happy about it but in the long run it didn’t work. I appreciate everyone who celebrated with me all these years still, but now I’m trying to overcome it in another way— facing despair instead of trying to cover it with hope.

I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself and understood myself better through this comic’s process.

Layout Plan:

You can see that things were changed in the final from my layout plan X’D haha

In page 2, Mukuro’s 1st panel is changed so composition is better.

In page 3, after seeing Ryoko as Junko, Mukuro is reaching out her hand instead of placing it on her chest. I wanted it to feel like Mukuro wants to reach out to Ryoko at that moment, like trying to get a wish she knows isn’t real.

In page 5, binary code is replaced with texts from Danganronpa Zero’s story so it reinforces the idea of “a life already fully planned out”.

Lining Process:

I struggled with this part the most as anatomy and poses is not my strong point.

I asked my friend, Setsuya, for help with my poses and redrew the same pose many times for this comic. I really wanted to convey the feelings for this comic right especially since it’s very personal to me. Big thanks to her for helping me so much, I feel I improved a lot from this! 🥺 <3

1st panel of 1st page is the hardest to draw, I’m laughing at my first try of Mukuro who looks like she’s forced to be there 😂:

With suggestions from my friend of how to improve, I tried to improve everyone’s poses:

^ 

Mukuro’s pose was changed to look more fondly at Ryoko, happy to be there and relaxed haha.

Ryoko’s pose was changed to look more delighted and happy about the cake (Which helps to convey the line I removed from my script, “For giving me cake!”)

Matsuda’s pose was changed to look a bit more annoyed about still cares for Ryoko (shown by him still looking at her from the corner of his eyes even though his head is turned away)

And haha I forgot Ryoko’s legs can be seen due to the table frills being transparent, so I had to go back and draw her legs X’D

For this panel, a lot of thoughts went into what things I should place, how they are placed, and what kind of items it should be e.g.

I wanted it to tell the story of what happened before all the characters gathered here, what their feelings are towards each other, and how they are like as individual characters :3

I was thinking Mukuro and Matsuda love Ryoko so much they spoil her by buying a giant cake haha X’D So that’s why there’s a plastic knife instead of a real knife— to show that the cake was bought.

I think they decided not to cook as they would fight about it… (idk if they know how to cook tbh)

I chose strawberry shortcake cause white = purity and red strawberries = blood X’D Kinda like Ryoko-

I was about to draw neatly cut and placed cakes but I think... Ryoko is bad at cutting… X’D so the cakes are lying flat with the cream a bit splattered on their plates.

The table cloth, spoons and plates are all elegant and neat cause Mukuro prepared it for Ryoko :3 I don’t think Matsuda would be able to do that since he seems to not be a tidy person X’D but I do think he probably decided these items and arrangement with Mukuro :3

Here’s a random joke Matsuda + My roughly drawn Promised Neverland manga cover before I squeezed it on to his book haha:

I was going to make Matsuda read Megaman at first like in canon, but I felt making him read “Promised Neverland” was fitting as it helped me bring some foreboding to my happy setting. Like the promise never landed cause I’m going to break my happy promise/premise X’D 

I felt it was fitting too as Matsuda wasn’t met with a good fate like the Promised Neverland children.

Plus I feel Matsuda would like a genre like that, or perhaps he wouldn’t mind anything as he is a laid back character.

This pose was changed so Ryoko would look more reserved and have less of a romantic vibe? Cause the intertwined fingers felt a bit more romantic and off to me, as it wasn’t the vibe I was going for.

Feat. The paper sketch is my friend helping me with anatomy X’)

While writing sentences and drawing for Mukuro’s scenes, I was thinking of experiences I’ve gone through before and the feelings I felt then. 

The way I wished things could be different. I kept having dreams of happy endings I wanted to happen but then I would wake up to the tragic reality and cry.

The way I was suffering on the inside but still held on to this thing I perceived as “Hope” even though it was killing me and could be seen as “Despair” in another POV/or I already knew it was bad for me but it was also my only hope.

Symbolisms for this panel:

Carrying a candle-> holding on to hope/a wish.

Candle not blown out -> Mukuro's wish didn't come true (blowing out a candle means bringing your wish on smoke to the good spirits above to grant your wish) , her hoping leading to despair.

My pose was changed here as it is more natural for the hands to be like that, plus the other hand holding on to the arm greater empathise how Mukuro is holding on strongly to this candle.

The candle is melting and the wax is getting on her hand, burning her. Still, she refuses to let go which empathises how much she needs to hold on to this. Even as she grabs her own hand causing more pain from bleeding, she still needs this “hope.” 

Some colour tests for this panel:

I was considering blue fire because blue fire is stronger than red.... but then if it is a wish of hope, I was considering yellow too... but maybe it would be too happy? 

Mukuro is feeling sad and wishful in this panel. 

I ended up going for blue fire which gives off yellow light for a purposeful contradictory colouring— to show that what is perceived as despair can also be perceived as hope.

^ Some exploration for the poses here so I can figure out which conveys what I wanted to convey the best. I like the poses where Mukuro is reserved happy, Ryoko is more playful(?), Matsuda is more relaxed.

^ Exploration for the Junko slash pose. Ended up just going back to the original pose I had planned for the layout.

I found this super hard to draw as I’m not good at anatomy, drew it quite a few times and deleted as I couldn’t draw it right. In the end, my friend drew that pose reference which helped me get it right in final!

Reasons why I chose the original layout pose in the end:

Strangle pose-> I don't want to strangle Ryoko, not because it’s too violent or graphic or that she's 🥺uwu and I can’t kill her-

I just feel Junko doesn’t completely hate Ryoko... a part of her wants to live a happy life after all

But she can’t, that's why the words "A fabricated happy lie, I don’t want to live this!"

It's a lie and it's against her value (honesty).

Sword slashing pose-> Junko is directly jumping towards and has no hesitation slashing Ryoko. This feels off cause it’s too violent which doesn’t convey the message I want.

Sword is also stronger than knife, which would hurt more.

When I see the knife and how the body is twisted a bit away in the original layout pose, it works better as I can see some control to the slash so it's not full on hatred and anger towards Ryoko.

Random full drawing of this Junko before I cut it off for composition.

I find it easier to get the anatomy right if I draw the full thing and draw through everything.

^ I’m super sad at my failure for this :,) I didn’t intend it to be like that 😭 

It’s too hard for me to draw, so my friend helped me again and I chose a pose and studied her pose and drew the whole pose again:

I chose the 1st pose because the angle of the faces there best shows both character’s facial expressions and the emotions are the most important for this scene.

Plus 3/4 angle is better than the flat side view one as it helps make this scene more dramatic!

My friend helped me with the position of Junko’s tie:

reached max images for this post so,

WIPS continued in another post

[seoups]

voodoo doll- s. geto

he hated how you were always in his head, no matter how hard he tried to get you out. cw: pre-relationship, fluff, geto not getting the memo, miscommunications but it works out in the end wc: 0.8k song: voodoo doll by 5sos

"TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE HIDING YOUR VOODOO DOLL CAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF."

Suguru Geto hated the way that you had him sticking around after class to hear your god awful storytimes.

He hated the way that your laugh lingered in his mind even when you weren’t there- echoing in moments he was supposed to be studying.

He hated the way that your voice would enter his mind when he least expected it, taking away his focus.

He hated the way that you had him groaning in the middle of the night after waking up from a dream about you.

He hated how infatuated he was with you. He wondered if it was a side effect of your cursed technique. Maybe that one time you sparred together is what cursed him to fall for you. That had to be it. Maybe you had some form of emotional voodoo technique that you hadn’t discovered.

“Suguru, you’re staring,” you pointed out, a smile tugging at your lips as you pulled him back to reality. “Apologies,” he replied smoothly, hiding his flushed cheeks with a witty retort. “I was wondering what you’d look like as a monkey.”

There were only so many witty comebacks he could make. Only so many ways he could deflect from the situation.

“You like me, don’t you, Suguru?”

His body froze at your accusation.

“No.” “Liar.”

The accusations continued for weeks on end. It was your favorite game- teasing him and seeing his lightly flustered face. Not just you. Gojo and Shoko had happily joined in.

“Just confess and get it over with,” Gojo insisted, lounging across Geto’s bed as if it was his own. “There’s nothing to confess,” Geto tried to convince himself. “You’re just embarrassing yourself at this point,” Shoko added, cigarette lazily hung from her lips as she continued to look down at her book.

It wasn’t like they were wrong either. No matter how much he denied it, they were right. You’d spent the past 2 years together, side by side through missions, training, and dozens of late-night conversations when neither of you could fall asleep. And other than Gojo, you were the person he spent the most time with. Even if you drove him insane, it made sense for it to have happened eventually.

But no matter the ‘sense’ of the situation, he still hated the way that you’d always caught him slacking. Every glance. Every time he stared at the vending machine, wondering if he should get you something as well. Every time he got distracted while talking to Gojo and would accidentally slip out your name mid conversation.

He hated the way you always managed to get under his skin. How every time you had a study session with the four of you, your arm would always end up resting itself on one of his limbs.

He hated the way you’d always find him in moments when he finally got you out of his head- catching him off guard with a teasing smile and some ridiculously witty comment.

“You’re staring again, Suguru,” you teased. “Should I pose next time? Maybe you can snap a picture?”

He choked on his response, earning a laugh from you that made his chest ache. 

Geto felt like he was being set up when he ended up on a one-on-one mission with you. He was cornered and painfully aware of your presence- how you stood just a little too close, how you glance at him out of the corner of your eye like you were waiting for him.

He kept his distance on the way back, trying to be as silent, brooding, and nonchalant as possible. But for a moment, he turned to you, stealing another glance. The look on your face- serious, earnest, nervous, and stuck in thought- was enough to make his heart skip a beat.

“Why won’t you just admit it?” you asked softly. “Nothing to admit.” You furrowed your brow, stepping close enough to him that he could see it, “I don’t know why you need to lie. I wouldn’t be teasing you so much if I didn’t like you back.”

He froze in place.

“I’m tired of waiting for you to say it first, Suguru.” “Fine,” he admitted at last, his voice low. “You win. I like you. A lot.”

Your grin was immediate and radiant, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Suguru felt free. Before he could let his brain think rationally, his hands found their way to your waist, pulling you closer as his thumbs drew circles on your hips.

He silenced the comment you had brewing by quickly leaning in, brushing his lips against yours in a kiss that stopped you from making fun of him. His hand slid from your waist to the small of your back, pulling you in even closer as your fingers gripped his uniform shirt- holding tight as if you never wanted to let go.

“I should have made you admit it sooner,” you teased as you pulled away. “Shut up.”

[novantinuum]

Reformation ref sheet for an AU Steven (named "Astra") who's been invading my brain since like,, April. It's VERY wide, apologies. There's a lot going on here because this man is incredibly old and has poofed way too many times for varying reasons. (See This post for how I headcanon that Steven can poof and still be considered a hybrid being.)

While I will not talk in huge length about certain aspects of his AU on this blog due to some of it involving strong NSFW themes, there is a ridiculous amount of other lore I've developed over time for Astra, and I love him to death. He is my sad, lonely mans who I metaphorically hurl against the wall like a sticky hand when I need to feel something.

This version of Steven will likely never have any kind of full ass fic or comic made about him. Despite that, I do enjoy sharing some art and fun character lore for him from time to time. So, I might as well finally give followers like... literally ANY context for him. I've had this ref sheet for a while and just have never gotten around to throwing it on here, LOL.

Ridiculously long dump about my guy under the cut.

Subnote, this was supposed to be a quick post but I can't help myself and wrote you a fucking BOOK under the cut because I love my guy so much UWU

(Content warning I guess for like, extremely vague mentions of Steven/Steven later on.)

-

The huge tl;dr of Astra is as follows: he's a version of Steven who exists for SO long that he basically transforms into something of an ancient, lonely god.

He's outlived every single person he once knew as a child, and so as a result is starved for affection. At the same time, being vulnerable is the absolute scariest thing for him and he's really shit at navigating relationships, F.

The guy is THE most powerful living creature in his entire universe by the end, and yet remains a soft-spoken, (generally) benevolent soul. He dedicates himself to acting as caretaker for the vast, populous world he exists within, and to maintain the continuing legacy of Gemkind. A big discovery that occurs in this AU is that Gems are in fact susceptible to entropy over the span of millions of years and will eventually fall "inert," (but not him because of weird hybrid biology stuff he honestly sees as more of a curse than a blessing) so a huge plotline early on in Astra's lifespan is trying to either find a "cure" for this issue or to develop a means by which new generations of Gems can be created without the reinstatement of Kindergartens so Gemkind doesn't overtly go extinct.

-

But, to start... this Steven diverges off a point in canon- this is the timeline where he actually takes up the Diamonds on their offer of the throne in the movie, believing he may have a better chance of heralding true societal change working from the INSIDE rather than stepping away. Because he pours himself so thoroughly into his role on Homeworld and his mind is continuously occupied by this purpose, he never experiences the events SU: Future, nor does he develop his "pink mode" (yet...) or corrupt at all.

However, he's also so engrossed in his work that he's... kind of a shit boyfriend to Connie as years go on. (In that he's not terribly attentive... always super busy... their visits are often cut short, or few and far between.) Their relationship never really goes anywhere as a result, though Connie wants it to. To be fair so does Steven, but he's so scared that everything he's worked so hard to organize and set up in this new era will fall apart if he steps aside from his role for even a moment that he can't allow himself to follow that want.

At some point here he learns he can poof through a complete freak accident, and that's where things really begin to change in this timeline.

It takes a good few months for him to reform, but once he does he's back at it with all his work on Homeworld pretty quick.

The thing is... he doesn't have an innate physical need to eat or drink or sleep anymore, because he now consists of entirely hard light. It mimics human biology to an insane degree, so he COULD do all those things, but he doesn't need them to persist. So... he kinda takes this as an excuse to cut those activities out of his schedule entirely so he can spend more time focused on his duties as a diamond.

Connie is NOT a fan of this, and this leads to some debate and tension within their relationship. That being said, they remain an item...

Up until out of nowhere, Connie dies in an accident on Earth while Steven is off planet in a place where he doesn't have any contact with them for a few days. By the time the Gems are able to get in touch with him, it's far too late to resurrect her.

The kicker? In the autopsy it's discovered that she was a few weeks pregnant when she died.

Steven is emotionally gutted by this... and the thought of what could have been... and poofs.

The guy is understandably destroyed when he comes back in his next form, and his form reflects that- his gem flips as a sort of metaphorical severing from his own humanity.

He spends a long while in a deep depression at the loss of his childhood sweetheart... at the loss of any potential for (as far as he sees) a "normal" human life. There's a part of him that resents the choices he's made to end up in this present, but like, there's still work to be done.

And as the years move on, a LOT of that work is mitigating the growing relations (for better or for worse) between Gems and humans as humanity stretches their legs and reaches out into the stars. Humans kinda get... really aggressive in their expansion though, and quite territorial, and it leads towards some inevitable conflict between them and Gemkind. This time, with them more at fault. Things get so spicy that some groups of humans and Gems go to war.

Steven tries to mitigate one of these situations at the front lines- and gets poofed by a disgruntled Gem, speared straight through the back because she (kinda wrongly) assumed he would take the humans' side due to his ancestral ties to them.

When he reforms this time, he is glowing a perpetual pink. The Gems don't really know what to make of this, but he seems to be in perfectly fine health otherwise, so they assume it's just a normal aspect of this new neutral form.

And while this isn't something Steven has context to figure out until like... billions of years later, what's actually happened is that he's entered a permanent pink mode, pretty much. Guy's just got that much bottled up, unaddressed trauma.

He spends a long time in this form, and over all these thousands of years oversees the slow return to peace between Gems and humans... their marriage as a space age federation... and their deeper exploration of the galaxy. Beyond their home solar systems exist a bounty of alien species they've yet to meet... some friendly, some less so. There's definitely some conflict that crops up amidst the local galactic neighborhood when Gems and humans show up on the playing field here, lol.

But all-in-all, Steven develops a fairly peaceful and predictable routine during this reformation- living more like a Gem than ever before. He's still got the Crystal Gems at his side through all of this, and they are some of his greatest confidants.

And then... without any warning... Gems begin to go inert. Amethyst is among them.

Some of them simply stop reforming after they poof... especially those who were older Gems, or who have been cracked before. Steven and the other Diamonds using their powers together are able to "fix" this at first and "jumpstart" their reformation, but it's just a bandaid of a fix- these Gems will fall inert again pretty soon. And the longer they persist without poofing from alternate causes, the more unstable their form, power, and memory becomes. (Think of this as Gem dementia at its late stages,,, oof.)

The bottom line? Just like organics, Gems aren't immune to the forces of entropy. Sooner or later, their gemstones will decay from the inside out. Stubborn to find a way to save the ones he loves as he watches them slowly deteriorate all around him, Steven dedicates himself to trying to find a cure. But deep down, a part of him recognizes the futility of this. What he believes Gemkind actually needs to do is to develop a means of rebooting Gem incubation that doesn't destroy planets, so they can rebuild their quickly dwindling population and keep their legacy alive.

The big problem with this is that Gems take a SHIT load of energy and resources to properly incubate, so that puzzle will take a long ass time to sort out. There's kinda a lot of chaos that happens during this time. The reality of their own blunt mortality freaks out a bunch of Gems, and Steven has to do damage control with the heads of state for a lot of other alien species.

In the interim, all the Crystal Gems and some of the Diamonds (White is still in the picture, though) end up falling inert. Pearl is the last of the CGs to do so.

Steven is understandably SUPER gutted about this, and poofs yet again. (Lol notice a theme? Poor mans keeps poofing from friggin' anguish. Help him.)

After reforming with barely any changes, it's right back to work for this guy. He and the rest of his team of researchers are unable to find any cure for Gems decaying and falling inert, but they do end up making huge leaps and bounds in other kinds of tech. One of these advances allows Steven to finally deep-scan his own gemstone down to the atomic level to check for decay- this was previously a process that was very invasive, and came at the risk of irreparably damaging a Gem, but not anymore.

He expects to find evidence of the same micro decay that's been slowly eating away at the rest of Gemkind within his OWN diamond, but the thing is...

He just... ISN'T decaying at all? Even though the sheer age of this gemstone itself should suggest otherwise? As it turns out though, his existence as a hybridized being makes him kind of... an anomaly. When he first reformed all those thousands of years ago, all the data within his gem- data that would otherwise be susceptible to decay- was translated into genetic material. DNA that's woven entirely out of hard-light... but, DNA that has also been constantly regenerating itself thanks to a combination of all the intricate biochemistry surrounding the human telomere and his healing powers.

In other words, he is incapable of falling inert from natural causes, like micro decay. He's functionally immortal. Unless someone shatters him (or... heaven forbid... he shatters himself) he simply can't die.

Which, all of a sudden, makes his race to save Gemkind from their quickly approaching extinction all the more personal. Because if he FAILS- then he'll be the very last of Gemkind. There will be no one else left in this world who is even remotely like him. (Humanity has mixed and mingled with the galactic locals so much by now that they're very much unrecognizable from what they once were.)

His spirit is very nearly broken by this discovery, and he is severely tempted to throw all his own principles out the window and just sanction the construction of new Kindergartens again, if only to keep the dwindling Gem populations up and birth new generations. Perhaps surprisingly, it's White Diamond- the last Gem left who Steven actually knew since the very beginning- who urges him to reconsider. To not give up on his own morality, to not revert all the miraculous changes he's worked for these long few million years.

The big shift in the tides is when he discovers the means to jump to alternate timelines, and thus the existence of the greater multiverse. This allows him to gather intel and ideas from a far greater spectrum of sources.

And eventually... it's with the aid of many alt versions of himself from other lines across the multiverse that leads to him finding a suitable, eco-friendly solution to his Gem incubation problem. (This is the aspect of this AU I cannot discuss in length for discretion's sake. Use your imagination. Or don't, I don't care.)

The following two sections, I'll be talking more about the broad thematics than anything else. At this point, know that there are now new batches of Gems being created all the time. Gemkind is no longer at risk of any extinction, but now- like any stable organic species- new Gems are made at the same rate that they fall inert.

So, the BIGGEST thing here with this reformation is that this is overtly where this guy picks up the name "Astra." Why a name change? Well, after White finally went inert, leaving him the last Diamond in existence within this line, it basically just felt... upsetting to him, to continue to go by a name that every person he ever loved used for him. Thus, the new name is overtly a means to distance himself from that past, and from that pain. (It's also a name he chooses while thinking back to a meaningful conversation he had with White, back before she went inert, oOF. I'll probably yell about that at some point in another post.)

So, too, is the lack of any tangible facial features. He HAS a face, but others just can't see it. He subconsciously obscures it from almost everyone's sight as a means of avoiding vulnerability. One might also have noticed by now that this guy's proportions have gotten like, really strange and sorta "stretched out" over time the larger he becomes... and this is intentional, as it's yet another way he's just becoming more inhuman in form, yet another way he's internally separating himself from those humble human origins of his.

But here's the thing, though.

Deep, deep down, to be human and to live a simple human life is basically all he's ever craved. It's everything he feels he's lost forever, with the death of his Connie. And instead, he's kinda stuck in a hellish sunk cost fallacy of his own making, acting as eternal caretaker for this world that- no matter what he does to try and make it a better place- will never quite be PERFECT. Thus, in his mind, even though he's literally fixed Gemkind's BIGGEST problem, he can't Stop. He can't Rest. He simply can't allow himself himself to lay down and Sink Away into the unknown.

And even if he could allow himself to do so, he is so, so scared of walking that path alone.

If he's going to die... he wants that end to be at a lover's side.

How, though, is someone who's basically a god supposed to find anyone in this multiverse with experiences they can remotely relate to?

Well... ultimately, Astra finds that it's far, far easier to build up a close relationship with varying versions of himself than anyone else. He's... kinda trash at it, though. This guy has so much bottled up Gunk in his head and is so starved for any form of affection that he has a habit of throwing WAY too much of himself into the relationships he engages in, and expecting that same level of commitment in return. There's one relationship with an alt Steven he's in for a while that ends up pretty unhealthily co-dependent before it fizzles out, and then another where he assumes the individual is committing to this partnership for the long run, but then no... actually Astra was always pouring more into this dynamic than he was receiving in return.

This second relationship, when it ends, is pretty devastating to him- since it was one that lasted for like, a LONG ass time. Unimaginably long. We're talking billions of years, here.

Uh-oh! And now he's even more distanced from other people. Folks can't even parse his actual chosen name at this point- except he isn't really consciously aware of this for a while?? It's yet another silent cry for help, yet another internal defense mechanism specially intended to keep others from truly getting to know him. Because every time he does... stars. No matter what he does, he keeps getting hurt. Almost everyone he knows and loves is torn from his life eventually... if not by death, then by some form of tragedy... and he's just so, so tired.

He wants literally ANYTHING to change in his life. He craves some new form of purpose. He craves the attention of someone who might love him as passionately as he loves them.

For a while, he almost believes he's found that- in yet another close relationship he forges with an alt version of himself- but while this other Steven does care for him immensely, it's only as a friend. Which kinda kills Astra, because he's like, lost in the sauce levels of In Love with this guy. There's a LOOOOOOT of story I have here with this, oh my god. If I am thinking about this AU I am usually thinking about this Old Man Yaoi. The great bulk of it is very NSFW themed though, so y'all getting the cliff notes.

The MOST important thing to know though, is that Astra both makes intense leaps and strides in once again allowing himself to be vulnerable with this man, and ALSO kinda intensely fucks their whole mutually agreed situationship up. It's messy. I am crying and wailing at these two old dumbasses. Jesus fucking christ.

But then, it's in the aftermath of this whole deal that an individual named Orion comes into the picture.

Orion quite literally falls into Astra's world by complete accident, but it's a very lucky accident- because she is a diamond hybrid version of Connie from another universe who- beyond a few differences- has a strikingly similar history to his. The big difference, though? She never found a means to create new Gems without Kindergartens, so she was the last of just a few thousand Gems who existed in her entire line. Part of a deeply endangered species.

This version of Connie arrives in some very deep mental turmoil, and so Astra does his best to give them a stable home and a place to heal. And while a past version of him might've been tempted to throw way too much of himself into the slow building rapport they have, he's blessedly Learned a thing or two from the past few major relationship experiences he's had... and chooses to like, ease up. Just offer himself as a friend first and foremost, should they care for one. Man learns restraint, lol.

And it's a damn GOOD thing that he does, because out of the genuine friendship they foster, Orion is the one who ultimately falls in love with him first. The relationship that's established here is one that's balanced, a true partnership where they simply make each other better people. It's through Orion's encouragement that Astra eventually reconnects and makes up with that last person he had an intense relationship with, even.

In time, Astra truly grows to thrive with Orion in his life. He becomes a far more open, vulnerable person, someone who feels safe to truly exist as who he is, to bare every complicated, battered facet of his past to those he trusts. While he may have taken the LONG road to get here, he too heals. And as a result...

One day, Astra simply stops glowing entirely. Shrinks down to more reasonable proportions. He stops hovering around on automatic, stops subconsciously scrubbing the memory of his face or name from people's minds. He stops denying his truest, deepest self- the reality that he was born an organic being, and raised as a human.

The burred reality that all he's ever truly wanted since the day his first lover died is to be a father.

To live a quiet, simple life with the people he loves.

For so long it was a mirage of a future he thought he'd never chase down, but for how much he made all the wrong choices the first time around, now he has a second chance.

And so in my brain, that's exactly what happens. Astra and Orion start a family together and continue to act as guardians over this universe for many years to come, until- after they are satisfied with the long life they've lived together, and their children have moved on to start forging their own paths- they eventually pass Beyond at their own will in each other's arms, ending their impossibly long godhood at peace.

I really don't know how to end this post lmafo, so I will simply say: if you somehow read all of this, holy shit you are so brave. Thank you for engaging with my insane ramblings. Have a nice day LOL FUIHSNUFSJG

This man haunts my brain so much I missed two off ramp turns on the highway the other day while thinking about him. Help me.

[sherewrytes]

𝔹𝕣𝕠𝕜𝕖𝕟 ℙ𝕚𝕖𝕔𝕖𝕤, ℝ𝕪𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟 𝕊𝕦𝕜𝕦𝕟𝕒 5

↳ Sukuna x f! black reader

Summary: After the death of his grandfather, Sukuna Ryomen is left to shoulder the weight of his family, caring for his younger brothers, Yuuji and Choso. As he withdraws into grief, his relationship with Y/N, his girlfriend of a year, begins to crumble. When Y/N discovers the truth about his grandfather’s passing during a heated argument, it leads to a painful breakup. Now, both are navigating life apart, but Sukuna’s heart aches for Y/N. Determined to win her back, he must confront his pain and find a way to break through the walls he’s built. Can he rekindle their love, or is it too late?

contents: heavy angst, modern au, 18+, smut, dark romance, drug use, talks of depression and similar topics. (a lil )

fic warnings. ooc, profanity, mental health issues, toxic relationships, cheating, explicit smut, serious drug use, mentions of depression + more to be updated as story progresses.

Please read with proper discretion. this is a work of fiction. all characters are written to portray roles that are necessary to the plot and are in no way a reflection of their canon counterparts.

Taglist: @for-hearthand-home@clp-84@thelightknight21@favvkiki  @helightknight21 @dylsw @ria-s-writes @sleepymothafterhours 

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Chapter 5: Where is the end?

Sukuna’s POV

I wanted to cry. It hit me in waves—this unbearable, gnawing ache that seemed to claw at every part of me, but I couldn’t. I felt numb, empty, like something inside me had shattered and I couldn’t put the pieces back together.

Who was I now? Who had I become?

I glance around the sterile hospital room, the white walls mocking me with their coldness, and everything suddenly feels even more suffocating. The beeping of the heart monitor in the corner, the soft hum of the lights, and the scent of antiseptic all feel like a reminder of how far I’ve fallen.

I swallow hard, trying to steady my breath, but it’s impossible. My chest is tight, constricted like I can’t breathe properly. I close my eyes for a moment, forcing my mind to focus, but the images come flooding back—Y/N, her face twisted in pain when I left, the way she told me to leave her apartment. The coldness in her voice shattered what little was left of my heart.

I had been pushing her away for so long. Pushing everything good in my life away.

She never deserved this.

I can feel the pressure in my chest grow like the weight of my mistakes is threatening to crush me all over again. I can’t even get a fucking grip on myself anymore. This wasn’t the life I wanted, and it sure as hell wasn’t the life she deserved.

My hands tremble as I sit up in the hospital bed. The sheets are tangled around me, and the effort to pull myself out of them feels like it might break me. But I need to move. I need to get out of here, out of this fucking room, out of this cage I’ve built for myself.

I get out of bed, unsteady on my feet, and the sensation of dizziness makes me stumble. The heart monitor starts to beep faster, and I ignore it. I don’t care about the alarms.

I just need to get to her.

I move to the door, but I pause for a moment, looking back at the sterile, lifeless room. The cold, sterile world I’ve surrounded myself with. It’s suffocating. The truth is, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong in this hospital bed. I belong with her.

But how the fuck do I fix this?

I don’t even know where to start.

I move slowly toward the door, but as I reach for the handle, my hand hesitates. My reflection in the window across the hall catches my eye.

Who is that person?

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The guy who I used to be—the guy who could shrug everything off, who had his shit together—he’s gone. The reflection in the glass shows a man broken, desperate, someone who has lost his way. A man who has fucked up his relationship with the only person who ever made him feel alive.

What have I become?

I drag a hand through my hair, frustration building up again, but my body feels like it’s failing me. I want to scream, to let it all out, but instead, I just stand there, staring at the man in the glass.

I should’ve done better. I should’ve been better.

But now it feels like it’s too late. Maybe it’s too late for me to fix anything, too late for me to make it right.

But fuck, I can’t just give up. Not now. Not after everything.

I turn my gaze back to the door, my fists clenched at my sides. I can feel the weight of everything bearing down on me, but I can’t let it stop me. I don’t care if I’m not strong enough. I don’t care if I’m fucking broken.

I’ll find a way to fix it.

Even if I have to crawl my way back to her, I will.

I won’t give up on her.

The door bursts open and a few doctors and nurses rush in, all looking panicked. Their eyes dart around the room, and then they spot me, standing unsteady at the edge of the bed, trying to make my way to the door. One of the nurses immediately steps toward me, her voice gentle but firm.

"Mr. Ryomen, you need to get back to bed. It's not safe for you to be up right now."

I don't even put up a fight as they guide me back to the bed. I let them help me sit down, the weight of my body feeling heavy, like I’m sinking into the mattress. They start explaining something about observation for the next 24 hours. My mind is too clouded to pay attention to the details.

One of the doctors looks at me with a concerned expression. "We need to keep you under observation for now. You’ve been through quite a bit, and we must monitor your condition."

I nod, not really hearing them. My thoughts are still miles away. 

I need to see her... I need to fix things.

A moment of silence passes before I speak, my voice thick with frustration. "I can't afford this," I mutter, looking at the machines around me. The hospital bill, the treatments—it's all piling up in my mind. It feels overwhelming.

The nurse just smiles, as if she’s heard this before. "Don't worry about it. It's been taken care of."

I frown, confused. "Taken care of?"

"Yes," she says, nodding. "Satoru Gojo took care of it."

I blink, still in disbelief. Of course, Gojo would pay my bill. That guy never hesitated to throw money around like it was nothing. I let out a low, sarcastic chuckle.

"Gojo, huh? That bastard," I mutter under my breath, shaking my head. I can’t help but laugh again, the sound is bitter but relieving in its own way. Of course, he’d swoop in and fix this mess, like always. I don’t even know why I’m surprised anymore.

As the nurse steps away, giving me a moment to process, I lean back in the bed, letting out a deep sigh. My head is pounding, and my heart is still heavy with everything I’ve done. But as I lay there, I felt the sting of reality hit me again, a constant reminder of what I’ve lost. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix me.

But Gojo’s money... it's a small, pointless distraction from the bigger problem.

The bigger problem of not knowing how to live with the mess I’ve made.

The door creaks open, and I feel it before I see them—their presence filling the room like an uninvited storm. Gojo strolls in first, his usual cocky smirk plastered across his face. Behind him, Geto follows, his steps measured and serious, while Toji hangs back a bit, his eyes scanning the room with that usual disinterest.

They’re here to check on me, but all I can do is focus on the sterile white walls of the room, anything but them. I’m not ready for this, not ready to face the people I’ve let down.

Why am I even hiding myself from them? 

I think, my gaze drifting to the floor. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any answers. Maybe it’s because I’m ashamed.

I don’t want them to see me like this—broken, and vulnerable, but that’s exactly what I am.

Gojo’s footsteps approach, and before I can even think to react, he’s there, his hands gripping my shoulders in that casual, almost annoying way of his. He shakes me slightly, the weight of his touch pulling me back into reality.

"Hey, come on," Gojo’s voice rings out, louder than I expected. "What the hell are you doing, man? Hiding from us?"

I glance up briefly, meeting his eyes—his blue eyes that never seem to falter. He’s not surprised, not at all. He’s always had a way of looking at me like he’s seen everything already, like nothing I do can shock him. But right now, I don’t want to be seen.

I try to pull away, but his grip tightens, and he forces me to face him.

"You’re not getting out of this, Sukuna," Gojo says, his tone now serious, the usual sarcasm gone. "We’ve been trying to keep you together, but you’ve been shutting us out. Why the hell do you think we’re here?"

I feel the anger start to rise in me—

he has no idea what I’ve done

but I bite it down. 

What’s the point of fighting anymore? I can barely even hold myself together.

Toji moves around the side of the bed, his gaze cold and unwavering, while Geto just stands by, his silence speaking louder than words ever could.

"You're a mess," Toji says flatly. "But you already know that."

I stare down at my hands, trying to keep my breathing steady.

"Don’t try to make excuses for yourself," Geto finally speaks up, his voice calm, but his eyes are sharp. "You’ve got to face what you did. All of it. And you can’t do that if you keep running away from it."

I don’t know how to respond. I’ve always been the one in control, the one who called the shots. But right now, I feel completely out of my depth.

"I fucked up, okay?" I mutter, my voice raw. "I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix me."

Gojo squeezes my shoulders harder, his grip firm but somehow reassuring. "You’re not alone in this," he says, his voice softer than I’ve heard in a long time. "But you’ve got to stop running from it. You’ve got to stop hiding."

I look up at him, at all of them. They’ve been with me through the worst of it—through my rebellions, my anger, my bullshit—but this? This is different. And I don’t know how to ask for help.

But maybe... maybe I don’t have to.

"Yeah, maybe you're right," I whisper. "I’ve just... I don’t know what to do anymore."

Toji huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, but there's a flicker of something softer in his eyes. "It’s simple, Sukuna. You start by fixing what you broke."

I nod, slowly. I know that’s the first step. But for the first time in a long time, I’m not sure if I can.

And that thought hurts more than I can explain.

I could feel the shame burning in my throat as I finally let the words slip out.

"She told me she hates me," I say, the words barely a whisper.

There. I said it. I got it out.

But its weight doesn’t lift; it only sinks deeper.

I can feel all their eyes on me, silent, waiting.

"And then what did I do?" I continue, forcing myself to look up, to meet their gazes even though I want to look anywhere but at them. "I fucked her. Even after she told me she was done, I couldn’t... I couldn’t let go."

Toji’s face shifts, his usual smirk gone, replaced by something I can’t read. Gojo just stares, his expression hardening. Geto... Geto’s eyes look almost sad.

"So you made it worse," Toji mutters, crossing his arms. "And now she’s gone."

I nod, swallowing hard. "She’s gone," I say, the finality of it hitting me like a punch to the gut. "For real this time. She told me to come and get my stuff, and when I left, I—" I break off, the words catching in my throat.

Gojo sighs, his hand running through his hair. "You let your pride get in the way," he says, his tone blunt. "You always do."

I know he’s right. I let my damn pride and anger destroy the one thing that meant something to me. I try to breathe, but the pain is clawing up my chest, filling every corner of my mind.

"She... she was right to hate me," I admit, my voice cracking. "I did this. I pushed her away. I kept shutting her out, ignoring her calls, and her texts, and now... she’s done. She’s done."

There’s a heavy silence. They’re all just looking at me, and I know they’re judging me, hating me, maybe even feeling sorry for me.

But it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Because I deserve this.

I drop my head into my hands, the weight of everything crushing me.

"And I can’t even blame her," I whisper, my voice barely audible. "I did this to myself."

I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep the panic from rising again. The ache in my chest was relentless, pressing down like a weight that wouldn’t let up. I closed my eyes, telling myself to calm down. Come on, get it together, I thought. Another panic attack isn’t gonna help.

I glanced at Gojo and the others, watching their silent stares and attempts at empathy I didn’t feel like I deserved. Part of me wanted to tell them to get out—to leave me to whatever mess I’d made of myself. But I didn’t. I just sat there, caught in the trap of my own mind, barely holding it together.

“Maybe I should just sleep,” I mumbled, more to myself than to anyone else. “Just… get back to where things make sense, where it’s not… like this.”

I lay back on the bed, closing my eyes again, hoping sleep would just take me. Because in sleep, things didn’t hurt so damn much. I could see her again, hear her laugh, feel her hand in mine like it used to be. There, in dreams, she wouldn’t be gone. She wouldn’t hate me. There, I wasn’t this… mess of a person. I wasn’t the guy who had thrown everything away.

The others were still there, I knew that, but I didn’t care. Let them talk, let them do whatever. I just wanted out—out of this room, this body, this damn life that didn’t feel like mine without her in it.

I didn’t know how long I lay there, drifting in and out, feeling myself numb. Maybe I’d finally fall asleep and dream it all away.

Gojo’s POV

I looked over at Sukuna, finally out cold, his breathing shallow but steady. The relief was temporary; I knew he’d be right back to spiraling when he woke up. Turning to Toji, I shook my head, feeling that familiar sense of frustration bubbling up.

“What are we gonna do with him, seriously?” I said quietly, rubbing a hand over my face. “He’s a hot mess.”

Toji glanced at Sukuna, then back at me, his usual unbothered expression faltering just a bit. “Kid’s been through hell and back,” he muttered, crossing his arms. “But that doesn’t mean he gets to destroy himself, and everyone else along the way.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to him when he’s sober,” I said. “We’ve all had rough patches, but this…? He’s doing himself no favors.”

Geto leaned against the wall, arms folded. “He’s been drowning for a while. Maybe none of us noticed how deep he was in until it got this bad.”

Toji sighed, a hand running through his hair as he looked back at Sukuna. “Doesn’t help that he pushes people away the second they try to get close. Especially Y/N. Poor girl didn’t stand a chance with him.”

I clenched my jaw. Y/N. She’d put up with so much, tried so hard, and he’d just kept pushing her away. But if there was anyone who could make him realize what he was throwing away, it was her—only, we might be well past that point now.

"Maybe she was his last chance at something good, and he knows it,” I said, glancing at Sukuna, now oblivious in his restless sleep. “But he couldn’t let go of whatever’s eating him from the inside.”

Silence stretched between us, the kind that makes you feel every wrong damn thing. None of us knew how to fix him; all we could do was be here to try to hold the pieces together. But even that felt like a losing battle.

Geto’s voice was soft but steady, cutting through the silence like a knife. “He’s got survivor’s guilt,” he said, looking at us. “He was supposed to be with Jin that night. He’s been blaming himself for the past eighteen months.”

I frowned, sinking deeper into thought. Jin had been the one on a real path—a student at Pratt, always doing what needed to be done to keep things steady. Jin had plans, a future laid out. He’d had the kind of life Sukuna never thought he could touch.

“To him, Jin had it all figured out,” Geto continued, his voice tight. “Meanwhile, Sukuna’s always been... well, reckless, a total mess—parties, hookups, whatever he could do to forget himself. And now he thinks it should’ve been him instead.”

Toji shook his head slowly. “Survivor’s guilt doesn’t just go away, though. It’s got him in a chokehold, and he can’t see past it. He won’t let himself. All the drinking, the fights, pushing Y/N away—it’s like he’s set on wrecking himself because he thinks it’s all he deserves.”

“Eighteen months,” I echoed, swallowing down the weight of it. “He’s just been carrying that, all by himself?”

“Carrying it, dragging it, burying himself under it,” Geto said, voice low. “The fact that he even kept his grades up back then... it was like the one thing he had to prove he could do right. But now that’s gone too.”

Toji exhaled, leaning against the wall. “He never did let us in on any of that, did he? Couldn’t even tell Y/N. She’s been taking his shit, thinking he’s just distant or cold when the guy’s practically buried under guilt.”

I felt something tighten in my chest—anger, sadness, maybe both. Why didn’t he just tell us?

“So now what?” I asked, my voice rougher than I intended. “We’re here, trying to hold him together, but he’s got no intention of letting us.”

Geto gave me a sad smile, his eyes dark. “The only thing we can do now is try to help him realize that even if he can’t forgive himself, maybe—just maybe—there are people around who can.”

Sukuna’s face twitched, and he murmured, half lost in sleep, “Jin… I’m sorry.” His breathing slowed again, and he drifted back to sleep, his face tight with something even unconsciousness couldn’t soften.

Toji shook his head slowly, his expression pained. “Poor bastard’s been apologizing to a ghost,” he muttered.

Geto looked away, jaw clenched, like hearing Sukuna admit even that much was almost too much to bear. I felt a sting of something raw as I watched him, realizing just how deep the cracks went for Sukuna.

“He’s got that wall up so high, he doesn’t even realize he’s been trapped behind it himself,” Geto finally said, keeping his voice low. “And he’s been living there alone for so long, he thinks that’s the only way to survive.”

A bitter thought crossed my mind. "And in the process, he’s been tearing apart anyone who tried to climb over that wall and help him, including Y/N.”

Toji sighed. “If he keeps going like this, he’ll lose everyone. And the worst part is, it won’t shock him—he’ll think he deserves it.”

I felt a dark resolve settle over me. “Then we’re gonna have to show him that he doesn’t have to go through this alone anymore. He may not believe it, but he’s got people who care. And no matter how much he pushes, we’re not going anywhere.”

Geto nodded, a shadow of determination in his gaze. “Right. It’s time we remind him he doesn’t get to decide when we’re done with him.”

Toji cracked a small, dark grin. "Sukuna’s been good at one thing his whole life: building a wall so damn high even he can’t see over it. But I say we knock that shit down, piece by piece. And if he tries to put it back up, we knock it down again.”

Geto smirked faintly. "We’re persistent bastards—he should know that by now.” But as he spoke, his gaze softened. “He needs us now more than ever. I think a part of him is terrified of even letting us in, but…” He paused, glancing at Sukuna, who was still mumbling in his sleep, fists clenched even in rest.

I watched him for a moment. “It’s almost like he doesn’t believe he deserves anything good,” I said quietly. “Like no matter how hard he tries, he’ll always be chasing ghosts.”

Toji leaned back, crossing his arms. “Well, maybe it’s time someone else starts chasing him. He’s been running for too long.”

Just then, Sukuna stirred, his brow furrowing, another murmur escaping his lips—something half-formed, an apology or a plea, tangled up in sleep. It was painful to watch him like this, broken down, raw in ways he’d never let us see if he were awake. I felt something tighten in my chest, the weight of all he’d been carrying alone for so long.

“Whatever it takes, we’ll be here when he wakes up,” I said, determination settling over me. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Toji let out a deep breath, his usual cocky attitude softened as he glanced back at Sukuna’s sleeping form. “This kid’s been dragging the weight of his own guilt and grief for too damn long. Ever since Jin...well, it’s like he’s got it in his head that he was supposed to be the one gone that night.” He shook his head, almost as if trying to shake off the absurdity of it. “Sometimes, when I look at him, it’s like he’s already halfway given up on himself.”

Geto nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sukuna’s never been one to talk about what’s going on up here.” He tapped his temple. “But ever since Jin’s accident, he’s just been… self-destructive. Like he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be here, doesn’t deserve any of this,” he added, motioning to the hospital room, “and definitely doesn’t deserve Y/N.”

I sighed, slumping into one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs, watching Sukuna twitch and mumble in his sleep. He murmured Jin’s name again, the sound almost like a child calling out in the dark.

“Do you think he’s ever going to let go of this?” I asked, more to myself than anyone else.

Toji’s gaze darkened, and his eyes narrowed in determination. “Not on his own. And not if he keeps trying to deal with it by pushing away everyone who gives a damn about him. He’s gotta wake up to the fact that he doesn’t have to carry all of this alone.” He leaned forward, his fists resting on his knees, the lines on his face tense and serious. “We all go through hell sometimes. It’s part of the package. That doesn’t mean we have to go through it solo.”

Geto gave a short, bitter laugh. “Sukuna’s not exactly the ‘share your feelings’ type.” He paused, and his voice softened. “But I don’t think he knows any other way. Hell, maybe he doesn’t even want to. But if he doesn’t learn how to start opening up, he’s just going to keep spiraling.”

As I looked at Sukuna, the stubborn, self-destructive side of him flashed in my mind—a side we’d all watched worsen over the past year. We’d seen him drink, fight, and smoke his way through the nights, using everything he could to keep his demons at bay. But all it had done was sink him deeper.

“Letting go of Jin,” I murmured, “doesn’t mean forgetting him. That doesn’t mean he has to lose that connection. But carrying this much weight…” I trailed off, watching as Sukuna’s face contorted in his sleep, pain, and guilt written across his expression. “It’s just eating him alive.”

Toji huffed, standing up and pacing the room. “And who else would he listen to? Y/N tried, and look what it cost her. I doubt he’s going to listen to anyone easily. Not even us.”

Geto looked at me, his eyes heavy. “So what do we do, Gojo? Just sit back and watch him fall apart?” His tone was frustrated, bordering on hopeless, a rare look for him. But in this situation, who could blame him? None of us knew how to pull him out of this spiral, but standing by and doing nothing wasn’t an option, either.

“No,” I said finally, with a slow nod. “We don’t back off, even if he tries to push us away again. I’m serious. We stay here, we check on him, and we make sure he knows—every single day—that he’s not alone. That he’s still got people in his corner, whether he likes it or not.”

Toji gave a small nod, a hint of a grin tugging at his lips. “Guess we’re just stubborn bastards, then. He’s not going to shake us that easy.”

Sukuna stirred again, his face etched in that same tortured expression, murmuring once more. His words were slurred and barely coherent, but we could all make out the quiet, hoarse words, “…Jin… I’m sorry…”

Geto took a deep breath, running a hand over his face, his voice low. “It’s hard to watch him like this. But if he’s going to make it, if he’s ever going to find his way out… he’s going to need us.”

I nodded, a newfound resolve settling over me. “We’re not just going to be his friends when things are easy,” I said firmly. “We’re going to be here through the ugly, the painful, the worst of it.”

And there, in that hospital room filled with the steady hum of machines and dim, sterile lighting, I felt the weight of our friendship shift, solidify. We were here for the long haul, whether Sukuna could see it yet or not.

[misspelledwordswizard]

Hello there!✨️ First of all, I wanted to say that your writing is amazing! Keep up the good work ;3.

Anyway, I wanted to make a request (if you have too many, please ignore this. Don't overwork yourself). This might be a little cliche, but here is what I had in mind. "The Chain x Mulan!Reader." Mostly their reaction when they find out that the reader is a female.

Like the boys, the reader has the spirit of the hero, but in her time, women aren't allowed to fight or do anything that the men do at all. So, just like Mulan, the reader runs away from home, pretends to be a boy, and fights against Ganon's armies. Even after meeting the Chain, her identity remains hidden. One day, she gets badly hurt, and when they tend to her wounds that's when they notice that he is a she.

You can ignore this if you want ^^, but yeah, that is basically my request. Have a great day, evening, or night.

Again, your work is amazing! ✨️✨️✨️👏✨️✨️✨️

Oh, you are so sweet, thank you so much!!! I really loved doing this, did I mention I love mixing fandoms? cuz I love it so much! Anyway, I hope you like it, dear <3333

The fight against the group of Bokoblins was going smoothly, that is until a Moblin appeared, right behind me, while I was dealing with one of them, a particularly strong one. I must admit that I’ve had better days, this wasn’t a day when I was lucky, I dare say I was very unlucky today, but that was certainly the worst part. 

I barely had time to turn around to see the monster before being hit hard by its attack, and suddenly, Boom, I blacked out. Darkness, I can’t feel my body, and I don’t even know what was happening to my companions. My mind guided me to the day I met them, my fellow heroes, who bore a similar fate to mine, with one small big difference, of course. 

It was a strange day a few months ago, I passed through a suspicious portal thinking it might be some kind of enemy attack, and suddenly I fall in front of nine heroes of Hyrule from different eras.  They welcomed me as one of their own, even though I wasn’t so sure about it myself, and since then we’ve been working together on this mission to stop the shadow and its abnormally strong monsters. Simple, right? 

Wrong, not simple at all. Of course, I already have some experience in hiding my true gender, after all, I had to do it throughout my adventure to save Hyrule in the past, the problem is that now I was constantly surrounded by men! This ended up becoming a huge nightmare. As much as I like the boys, as much as I now see them as my own family, I don’t know if I can tell them the truth. No one knows about this secret of mine, and I fear how they might react, so I’ve been avoiding the subject. 

It was hard, really hard.  Like the times they decided to all go into the river together to cool off, it was hard enough to deal with all those shirtless men without freaking out, and it was even worse because they expected me to do the same, and when I didn’t, they were all over me, worried, thinking there was something wrong, that maybe I was sick or insecure about scars, which they made a point of giving me a lecture about how normal it was, and that I should be proud of mine, because they showed that I was a survivor. Very welcoming, but I still didn’t go in. 

Even with these difficulties, so far, I have managed to hide my secret well, for my own safety. Until now. 

When I finally woke up from my blackout, I felt lost, it took me a while to notice the new environment and my traveling companions who had gathered around me. I was lying on the bed of an inn, everyone was looking at me with curiosity and concern as I tried to sit up in bed, the blanket slipped, revealing that I was without my tunic.  I wore a girdle around my torso that helped to reduce the volume of my bust and keep it mostly hidden, but without the layers of clothing to disguise it, there was no way they could help but notice my visibly feminine silhouette, and it was quite obvious that they had already noticed it. 

It didn’t take long for panic to start to hit me, all the nervousness, the anguish that I kept along with my secrets, ready to overflow. I could feel my own body reacting to this, heating up uncomfortably, and apparently the others noticed it too. Time approached me and rubbed my back gently, in an attempt to calm me down. 

— Calm down, breathe, it’s okay, you don’t need to be nervous. 

— I... – Tears overcame me before I could formulate a complete sentence, which made the task even more difficult. – I’m sorry! I had to do this, no one would ever accept that the hero of the kingdom was a woman, it was the only way. I didn’t have the courage to tell you because I didn’t want you to see me as incapable or treat me differently, please, please don’t hate me! 

The tears, the occasional sobs and my crying voice only made everything harder to understand, and I didn’t have the courage to look them in the eyes, I didn’t want to see their faces of disappointment. The wound on my back hurt as I curled up trying to hide my humiliation. 

— Hate you? What the hell are you talking about, why would we hate you, girl?! – The Veteran’s somewhat aggressive voice left me confused about how I should feel, but his sentence left me confused. 

— Yeah, there’s no reason for that, my dear, it’s understandable that you were afraid to reveal your secret when you were raised with such prejudiced thoughts, but that just shows us how strong you were. – The calmness in Sky’s speech was comforting, but I was still confused. Didn’t they care, really? 

— Your gender doesn’t change who you are, nor does it make you weaker or more incapable, it just shows how amazing you are for being able to deal with all of this! – The Champion’s excitement and support helped me gather courage and look at them again. 

— But... aren’t you mad that I hid this from you? – Even calmer, my crying voice still remained as I sniffled trying to control myself. Twilight just shook her head, as if this was an absurd idea.   

— Of course not, you were just protecting yourself, darlin’.  

— Actually, now that makes a lot of sense, it explains a few things... – The Traveler says thoughtfully, before turning his attention back to me. – And most importantly, are you feeling any pain? – I just shake my head negatively, it was nothing serious, it seems like my injury was practically healed.  

— Look, no matter what they say, you’re one of us, okay? Never forget that. – Warriors speaks in a soft and comforting voice, and I tried hard not to burst into tears again, wiping the tears before they could fall and giving a smile that was a mix of relief and happiness.  

Wind approached me and hugged me tightly, I couldn’t hold it this time and shed a few tears seeing my boy being so affectionate and understanding, partly also because this hug was very close to where I had been hit, but he didn’t need to know that.  I hug him back until he finally pulls away to look at me, wiping away his own tears. 

— Look how cool, now besides being able to say that I have eight super cool older brothers, I can also say that I have an even cooler older sister! – His excitement at this fact made me laugh, and I ruffled his hair affectionately.  

— To tell you the truth, I already knew. – Four’s speech made everyone’s attention turn to him. – I mean, there were some small details that made me suspicious, but I kept quiet, especially since the secret wasn’t mine. I figured you’d say something when you felt ready, and I didn’t see any problem with that. – He just shrugged naturally. His cunning and intelligence sometimes scares me, usually those with the hero’s spirit don’t use their brains much, we usually leave that job to the princesses.  

— By the way... – My attention went back to the Sailor, who seemed thoughtful. – Is your name really Link?  

— No! – I said and laughed at the suspicious expression the youngest gave me.  – I just used it as a codename, if I used my real name, it would be pretty obvious that I’m a woman. And also, that’s the Hero’s name, right? – Everyone seemed to agree with the logic, but it didn’t diminish their curiosity about my real name, which I had no problem revealing. 

— Well, at least now you’ll be lucky enough to be called by your name, unlike the rest of us who have to deal with this bunch of nicknames to try to differentiate ourselves! – Legend pointed out, making me laugh. 

I can get used to being called by my real name again. 

[puppyeared]

AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY

[sysig]

Hi there! As a requestober request could you please draw something cute with Mob? I'm planning on rewatching Mob Psycho 100 and it would be great to see fanart of him in your style! :D

Day 17 - She loves me, she loves me not...

[sskk-manifesto]

Finally got around to watching ep 11 (´；ω；｀)

[comfortlesshurt]

brutally reminded that somewhere out there is a physical copy of an absolutely terrible detective conan genderbend au i wrote when i was like 12

i am not thriving today so here's a tag rant

[akkivee]

there’s like three months until kuukou’s bday and i’m thinking it might be already time to start chipping away at my kuukou week this year LOL

[st4rstudent]

I think every social media website should have an effective tagging system, just my thoughts

[tardis--dreams]

I may have hit an all time low mental health wise but I'm being so chill about it

[salsflore]

ummmm

[electricpurrs]

i just defeated a giant boss in 15 minutes i feel like it shouldnt be that easy was that a prank

[gentlethorns]

fuck dude i have got to find a job where i can be self-employed and creative. i cannot be in fucking retail hell anymore

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

Getting annoyed with myself because I'm looking for validation for breaking up with my ex YET AGAIN