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whatifitis · 2 days ago

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♡ Only Us - LN 4 ♡

Summary: Lando does a little fuck up and you're stubborn but you love him anyway. Feat. Max F being annoyed with a lack of dining utensils in an airbnb

Author's Note: this was based off this request! sorry for taking so long to write something. I hope this lives up to the request <3

WC: 1633

CW: Lando being a little shit, fluff, max f cussing

“I can’t believe this expensive air bnb doesn’t have utensils.” Max says, feeling a bit frustrated as you’d all gone shopping earlier for some groceries for your time in the air bnb. However, none of you thought to get some silverware as well, “it’s an air bnb, not a fucking hotel. There should be silverware in here. For fucks sake. We’re gonna have to eat with our hands like barbarians.”

“Max, relax. We can just get some pizza or something. No need for utensils.” Pietra says, walking up to him and hugging him from behind. You were starving so you hope a consensus can be made quickly. You hadn’t eaten all day due to having to rush from one place to another and somehow, every place that you had passed and that served food had a long wait.

You and Lando watched the scene unfold from the couch as Max tried to argue that utensils will be needed at some point and you can’t just eat pizza the whole trip. After some debates, Max clapped his hands together, “All right. We’re getting chinese because we can ask for utensils and use them for most of the trip.”

Everyone seemed pleased with Max’s idea and so you all gathered around to list everything that was needed before someone made the call and actually placed the order.

In true Lando fashion, the man ordered nearly 40 spring rolls… that’s your man…

The whole group gathered in the living area and played some card games while everyone waited for the food to arrive. There was a lot of betting and wins and losses. Lando somehow was the only one to be down to his underwear after losing quite a few rounds of poker. Only Lando would find himself in that predicament.

“If the food doesn’t arrive soon, I’m gonna call and ask where the fuck it is. It’s been ages. Where the fuck is it? The guy is probably having a fat shit and the foods getting fucking cold.”

“Max, it’s been 30 minutes and it was a pretty big order. It will be fine, just sit down and have some crisps.”

“No, P I’ve got the shakes look.” Max says whilst purposefully shaking his hands in an exaggerated manner, to which Pietra rolled her eyes.

After some time, the doorbell rang and Max just about ran to the door, tripping over the leg of a chair in the process. Once Max is back with the bags of food, he places them on the table and begins to unpack them. As he unpacks everything, his eyebrows begin to furrow with each item he takes out, “No, no, no ,no! No fucking way.”

“Mate, what’s going on?” Lando walked behind Max.

“There’s no utensils! They forgot the fucking utensils. Oh my fuck.” Max says in defeat, throwing his hands in the air and plopping onto the seat behind him.

You couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. You feel bad for the man, but the scene was just too funny.

“Yeah, keep laughing as you eat your fried rice with your bare hands. I hope your fucking rice is cold as well, fucks sake.” Max threatens. The man may be small, but when he’s upset, he doesn’t hold back with the threats.

“Max, it’s okay. We can just make some makeshift utensils.” you offer.

“Now how are we gonna do that, Y/n.”

“Simple. Someone can use this pen, we can roll this piece of paper into a cone and someone can shovel food into their mouth-”

“That’s absolutely ridiculous… Let’s do it before I rip someone's head off.”

So now the scene is painted, everyone is sitting around the coffee table and chowing on their food with the strangest objects. Pietra was using two makeup brushes as some makeshift chopsticks whilst Max opted to use the cone shaped paper, literally shoveling food into his mouth. Lando had decided to use a pen to try and shove food into his mouth and you ended up using a lens that popped out of your glasses when Lando sat on them earlier.

When it happened, you wanted to be upset with Lando because they were your favorite glasses and they were the only ones you had brought on this trip. But Lando quickly apologized and immediately bought you a new pair. You also couldn’t be mad because once Lando saw how upset you were, he’d said “Just because my ass is fat, doesn't mean my feelings are tough.”

“I’m so hungry, I was about to go mental.” you said as you had taken your first few bites.

“Same.” Max said, causing you all to side eye him, “what?”

“Babe, you were already going mental.” Pietra had told him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was calm, cool, and collected.”

After everyone openly judged Max, you all carried on eating and talking. Lando decided it was a good idea to play around and when he did, he was bumping into you. You were still eating so you asked him to calm down so you could finish eating but he didn’t. He ended up knocking your lens out of your hand and it got thrown across the room, shattering onto the floor.

You just simply sat and stared at the shattered lens. You guys were limited on things you could use to eat so now all you could do was eat with your hands. But now you were too pissed off to eat. You’d lost your appetite. You simply stood up, threw your plate out and went to bed.

Lando followed after you and you quickly glanced at him before turning your back to him. He looked truly regretful of his actions, “Baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you. You hadn’t eaten all day and I fully messed up. You can use the pen I was using. You didn’t eat much.”

“Not now, Lan. I’m tired and I don’t wanna yell at you.”

He understood his faults and didn’t want to make everything worse. He knew you needed the space so that night, he didn’t come to bed. He decided it was probably best to spend the night on the couch and let you have the bed to yourself.

You tossed and turned all night, missing Lando’s warm body being next to yours. He did make you upset today but it didn’t mean you wanted him to sleep on the couch. But you were too stubborn so he spent the whole night on the couch.

In the morning, everyone was set to wake up and get ready to ski and snowboard. You decided to sleep a little longer due to the fact that you slept so little during the night. But your sleep was cut even shorter when you were startled awake from the slamming of a door. Lando had accidentally hit the bedroom door so hard, it slammed into the wall.

As soon as Lando had realized his mistake, he, once again, looked at you apologetically and mouthed the words ‘i’m so sorry’ but you were already pissed off yet again. You decided to just get up and get ready for the day, not paying much mind to Lando as you didn’t want to explode at him.

The whole day, you spent time with the girls and just tried to enjoy your day. When it was starting to get dark, the whole group agreed to meet at the bottom of the hill near the cafes. You made your way down on your snowboard and when you spotted Lando standing alone at the bottom, you decided to have a little payback.

Once you were close enough, you turned your snowboard to stop and spray Lando with snow.

“I deserved that.” Lando had said as he tried to brush off some snow.

“You did.” was all you said before you made your way to the rest of the group.

Once everyone was back in the cabin, you all started shedding your layers and began to unwind. You were walking around the house, just tidying a bit out of boredom when you stumbled upon some mistletoe that was hanging in one of the doorways. “You know we need to kiss now because that's the rule.” you heard Lando say from behind you. He had his classic smirk plastered on his face.

You decided to give him a quick peck, resulting in him being smiley and thinking everything was okay now.

“Nope. Still mad.” you said as you turned to walk away. But before you could walk away, Lando had wrapped himself around you.

“No! I’m not letting you go til you love me again.”

“Lan, let me go.”

“No”

“Lan”

“Nope”

This continued as you tried to wrestle him off but he kept his hold on you and he ended up climbing onto your back but you weren’t prepared so the two of you fell into a mess of intertwined limbs and laughter.

After the two of you caught your breath, Lando asked “Are we okay?” with a serious look on his face. You knew he could be insecure at times in the relationship, even after little arguments and disagreements.

“Yes, baby. We’re okay. I was just tired, I’m sorry for making you think otherwise.”

“‘S okay. I know I kinda fucked up.”

“Yeah. But no matter the fight, I will still love you and want you. What we’ve got going is good.” you move your hand to gently tap his temple, “We can try to quiet the noises in your head.”

He lets out a soft laugh, “I never thought there’d be someone like you who could want me. But here you are. It’s you and me and that’s all that I need it to be.”

“Only us.”

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traveler-at-heart · 2 days ago

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Speak or die?

Summary: You have a crush on your poetry professor.

Professor Natasha Romanoff x F!R

Request by @jujuu23 :) Hope you like it

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted—nevermore!

Professor Romanoff closes the book, the classroom silent as she walks to the front. Her raspy voice had a way of enchanting people, and it almost felt like she had cast a spell on everyone.

“Thoughts?” she asks, adjusting her glasses. Her beautiful features are framed by a couple of strands of fiery hair, the rest of it tied in a messy bun.

A couple of people lean back on their seats, nervous about being called to participate.

“What a weirdo” Barnes says, and some of your classmates laugh.

“Thank you, for that very insightful analysis, Mr. Barnes. Any other thoughts you’d like to share with the class?”

Before he can speak again and say something even more stupid, you jump in.

“It’s about madness, caused by grief. About his beloved, who he’ll never forget but is gone. It’s the same theme in Annabel Lee and Lenore. Though I think Annabel Lee is a lot less haunting… there’s a certain serene beauty to it.”

“Very good, Miss Y/L/N. And of course, we have the references to Pallas Athena. Not uncommon for Allan Poe to mention Greek mythology. Your next assignment will be to find and discuss examples of mythology and classical literature within his work”

As everyone leaves the room, you walk next to the professor’s desk.

“I’ve enjoyed your essay. Well, both of them” she says.

“Both?” you stop, looking confused.

“It’s very obvious your boyfriend is not writing his papers” she tries to keep her composure, but finds it irritating that someone as bright as you is with Barnes of all people.

“Oh, Bucky? Yeah, I might have helped him a bit… not my boyfriend, though”

You think it’s best to leave out the fact he enrolled in this class to meet pretty girls and act like he knows about poetry.

“Well, he should still do his own homework” Natasha says, this time with a kinder tone. “And nice work today”

“Thank you” you nod, smiling as you leave the classroom.

You hope Professor Romanoff didn’t notice the way you were blushing at her praise.

—

Natasha glances at her cozy living room one last time. It’s a crisp autumn night, and she could still cancel her plans and stay home with a good book and a glass of wine.

But she’d never hear the end of it, would she?

The woman takes a cab to the gallery downtown, hoping the evening ends early and she can at least read a chapter or two of her novel before bed.

As she enters the crowded space, Natasha feels the need to turn around and leave. Carol’s voice stops her.

“Fancy meeting you here”

“Yelena made me do it” the redhead explains, standing next to her colleague and friend.

“Well, she’s quite the artist. You should be proud of your sister” Carol says, looking around the room until she finds the younger woman. Natasha nods her thanks and walks to her sister, smiling.

“You made it!” Yelena, who was explainig her sculpture to a man, stops mid sentence and hugs Natasha. “I thought you’d find a way to stay home and avoid being out”

“I promised I’d be here. Go. I’ll have a look around” Natasha says when another woman walks up to Yelena.

“Try the appetizers, they’re really good!” Yelena says before going up to meet a group of art dealers.

It’s a big night for the Art Department. They have been planning this exhibit for months now. Plenty of critics and art dealers would stop by, hoping to find the next big name.

Natasha walks around, eyeing the paintings and sculptures in the room. Distracted by a very abstract work, she fails to notice another person walking behind her until her back collides with a shoulder.

“Sorry” she turns, surprised at meeting your eyes and friendly smile.

“Hi, Professor Romanoff” you greet. “How are you liking the exhibit?”

“It’s good. What are you doing here?”

“College paper business. And to support my roommate, Wanda” you point at a couple of paintings, with very dark themes and distorted faces. “She’s uh… going through her misunderstood artist phase”

“Well, she’s certainly committed to it” Natasha says, looking at the girl who must be Wanda, dark hair and smokey eyes giving her a grunge look.

“She’s a sweetheart” you promise, knowing that’s only one side of her. You’ve seen her cry over The Dick Van Dyke show, for heaven’s sake. Though you promised you’d never tell anyone. “Want to be on the record for me?”

“How so?”

“Just tell me what you think of the exhibit. Or the department in general” you shrug your shoulders. “It’s good that other faculty members are here”

“Well, I’ve known Carol for years, back when we were both students. She’s very committed to her work and advancing the curriculum, so it’s great to see an amazing selection tonight. My sister seems to think a great deal of the success is due to Danvers”

“Your sister?”

“Yelena Belova” Natasha clarifies. At hearing that name, you blush and she immediately assumes that something happened between you two.

The reality is, you’ve spoken about how much you love your poetry professor in front of Yelena on more than one occasion. Now you understand why she laughed so hard when you said Natasha was Aphrodite reincarnate.

That little shit.

“Yeah, I know Yel. Wanda and her hang at the dorm, I mean, we all do” you trip over your words, picking up a glass of red wine to ease your nerves.

“You sure you can handle that?” Natasha asks, appreciating the way your cheeks blush at the taste of the alcohol.

“It’s fine” you lick your lips, missing the way Natasha follows the movement with her eyes.

“Well, it’s nice to know Yelena has someone with common sense to keep her grounded” Natasha says and inspite of your internal struggle, you smile.

In that moment, Carol clinks her glass gently, getting everyone’s attention. As she speaks, you try to listen to her words -the toast should be mentioned in the article- but your mind is focused on Natasha’s parfum, and the warmth of her body as she stands next to you. Once Danvers is done, everyone claps and you take a breath, thinking it might be a good idea to get some fresh air.

“Sestra, there you are” Yelena walks up to you two, a knowing smirk at your affected state. “I’d introduce you but I believe you already know each other”

“Yeah” you smile, looking anywhere but Natasha. “I’ll leave you to it, gotta talk to a couple more people. Enjoy your evening”

Yelena doesn’t move, so you’re forced to walk very close to Natasha, and the moment your eyes meet you almost forget how to breathe.

The redhead doesn’t miss the way your pupils are blown or the not so subtle way in which you glance at her lips.

She wants to reach out and grab your wrist, turn you around and devour your lips in a messy kiss. Instead, she sees you walk towards your friend.

“See? Aren’t you glad I made you come out of your cave?”

Apparently, your crush wasn’t one sided after all.

—

The school paper. Natasha barely paid attention to it, even when it was delivered every Monday to her office, same as every faculty member at Lang University.

This time, she is eager to open it and read your article. There it is, your name and a very long piece about the exhibit. Your prose is exquisite, and you didn’t just deliver an event summary; it’s a deep dive into the department, budget cuts and how students and professors are investing their own resources to keep the course alive.

Right under the dean’s nose. Natasha has to smile; it’s true that Howard Stark was more inclined to favor the Science department and a number of protests had gone unanswered on his side. Most of them came from tenured professors, as part time teachers and students were concerned with some sort of retaliation.

Not you, though.

Natasha is so focused on the article that she misses the knock on her door until Fury comes in.

“Romanoff” he greets. “Picking up on some light reading?”

“Something very entertaining” she turns the pages to show your article and he chuckles.

“She’s got balls” he recognises. “Heard she was talking about it with some art dealers who donate to the university. Apparently Stark is listening now”

“I’m happy to hear that”

“That’s not why I’m here, though” Fury sits down, crossing his legs. “The Foster Grant”

“What about it?” Natasha says, playing dumb. She hates to be the center of attention. “I know I got it, it’s no big deal”

“It is to the department. We don’t want to be the next on the list of budget cuts”

“Maybe we’ll just have to ask Y/N to write an article for us” she jokes, but Fury just smirks knowingly.

“Great idea! Let’s have her write something about your work and the research you’ve been doing” he slaps his knee, standing up.

“What?”

“Well, don’t look at me like that, it was your idea, Romanoff. Better be this week so it’s on next Monday’s edition” he winks, leaving her office whistling.

As usual, Natasha is blindsided by her boss. How on Earth will she manage a conversation alone with you?

Still, Fury leaves no room for argument, and at the end of Tuesday’s class, you approach her desk.

“I was told you had an assignment for me” you say, biting your lip nervously.

“Yes, that’s right. Something about a research grant, it’s really not a big deal. Sorry that Fury put you up to it” she dismisses the thing like it’s a nuissance.

“I don’t mind at all. Just wanted to check if… when do you want to meet. And where. It would be better around Thursday so I can come prepared with questions and then write everything over the weekend. But I’ll adjust to your schedule”

“Thursday is fine by me” Natasha nods. “My office? Last class is at 5, so maybe 6”

“Yeah, sounds good” you nod, blushing. “See you then, professor”

How will you survive this?

—

Thursday comes faster than you’d like, and you’re inspecting your wardrobe as if you’re going on a first date.

Everythig’s too ugly. Why do you have such ugly clothes?

Ugh, I should just cancel.

In the end, you opt for a preppy look, with a black skirt and thights, choosing a black and white stripped sweater for the cold weather.

You run into Yelena and Wanda in the living room.

“Where are you going so fancy?” the blonde says, whistling and forcing you to twirl so she can have a 360 of your outfit. “You’re going on a date, aren’t you?”

Wanda, who actually knows about your appointment, covers her mouth to keep from laughing and you glare at her.

“Don’t”

“What? Is it someone I know?” Yelena looks between the two of you.

“Yes. It’s your sister” Wanda finally cracks.

“It’s not a date!” you rush to say when Yelena turns to look at you. “I’m writing an article about her research”

“Mmm, right” she nods, not believing you. “She asked about you the other day, you know?”

“She did? I mean, what did she want to know?” you try to pretend it’s no big deal.

“She asked if we hooked up. I told her you’re not my type”

“Oh, please. I’m everyone’s type” you huff, picking up your bag before you run late. You still want to stop by the cafeteria.

“You’re certainly Natasha’s” Yelena mumbles, but you miss it. “Good luck on your non date with my sister”

“Not a date… although, what’s her coffee order?”

“I’ll tell you if you admit it’s a date”

By the time you finally get Yelena to answer, you’re ten minutes late, walking around campus with two coffees and cookies. Knocking with your elbow, you hear a soft come in and figure out how to open the door.

Juggling everything, you walk into Natasha’s office.

“Let me help you” the woman says, standing up and rushing to your side. You hand over the cup with her name. “For me?”

“Yes”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I should be the one with a drink to offer. How did you know?” she licks her lips, appreciating the sweet flavor of the caramel macchiato. Her glasses fog from the warmth of the drink and you have to resist the urge to kiss her.

“I asked Yelena” you admit. “Glad to know she wasn’t pranking me”

“I do have a sweet tooth”

“No worries, I won’t write anything about it” you take a notepad and your phone to record. “May I?”

“Please” Natasha settles behind her desk, appreciating that cute little frown that always appears when you’re focused. You go over your notes for a minute and then nod, ready to begin.

The hour goes by quickly, and Natasha feels proud when she notices you’ve stopped taking notes, genuinely interested and asking about everything she’s been researching for the past year and a half.

“Oh, it’s getting late. I’m so sorry for keeping you here” you apologize, looking at the time.

“That’s ok, I’m free for the rest of the evening. I cleared my schedule just for you”

The words make your heart flutter. Of course she doesn’t mean anything by it, but how you wished she did.

“So, do you have time for a couple more questions?”

“Sure”

For you, she has all the time in the world. Natasha could spend all night watching you put that lose strand of hair behind your ear, while you write down your thoughts.

It’s dangerously endearing.

“I’d like to know… your favorite poem” you ask, more for yourself than for the article.

Natasha takes a deep breath, standing up and walking around her desk. She speaks as she approaches you, in that soft, tender tone that always makes your heart skip a beat.

“I loved you; even now I may confess,

Some embers of my love their fire retain;

But do not let it cause you more distress,

I do not want to sadden you again.

Hopeless and tongue-tied, yet I loved you dearly

With pangs the jealous and the timid know;

So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,

I pray God grant another love you so”

Natasha looks into your eyes as she sits on the edge of the desk, mere inches away from you.

In truth, you had expected her to answer with the poem’s title, not recite it to you so passionately.

“Pushkin” you sigh, looking at your hands.

“Very good” she praises, which makes you blush even harder. “It sounds better in Russian, though”

“I can imagine” you say, torn between wanting to hear it or not. You might lose your last sliver of self control if she speaks her native language.

“Is there anything else you need from me?”

You need to kiss her, discover how her lips feel against yours. Hold her hand, guide her up your skirt…

“Yes. I… mean, no, I have everything I need, professor” you snap out of your thoughts, looking flustered. “Thank you so much for making the time to speak to me”

“I always have time for my best student” she says, standing up and walking you to the door. “I’m looking forward to reading your article”

“I’ll try to live up to the expectations”

“I’m sure you will” she says gently, leaning against the threshold of the door. You look at her lips one last time before stepping back, wishing the evening could be prolonged.

Natasha watches you walk away, already missing your presence.

��

You spend the weekend reliving the interview. Thank God you kept recording when Natasha recited Pushkin, because now you have it for posterity.

The article is done, has been since you got back to your dorm. The words flowed effortlessly as you remembered everything Natasha said, and so you spent all night writing and correcting it until it was perfect. Even your editor was impressed when you sent it over.

Now, all that’s left is you, the recording and the view from your window. You listen to Natasha over and over again, hoping her presence migh somehow slip into your subconscious and then, she’ll be in your dreams as well.

As if you had summoned her, Natasha appears outside your window, walking with Yelena. As her sister walks into your building to meet with Wanda, Natasha looks up, waving at you. You remove your headphones, blushing at the fact that you were just listening to her speak on the recording.

“How’s the article coming along?”

“Signed, sealed, delivered” you smile. “I do hope you’ll like it”

“It will be the first thing I read tomorrow” she promises, saying goodbye. This time, you don’t bother to hide the fact that you’re staring as she leaves, and a little part of you feels like Juliet, watching Romeo walk away.

Forbidden love.

No, not forbidden. Unrequited.

With a sigh, you walk away and join your friends, thinking it’s better to distract yourself now that you remember Natasha Professor Romanoff is out of your reach.

Still, you can only fall asleep as you listen to her reciting that poem over and over again. And when you wake up, the resolve to see her again overcomes every fiber of your being.

So you walk up to her office, knowing very well she’s there at break of dawn.

“Y/N” she says, looking at the paper in your hands. “Come in”

“I thought you’d like to read it. But maybe you’re busy. And you won’t like it or it’s not a big deal to you” you rant, handing it over and turning to leave. “Never mind”

“Stay” is all she says, hand reaching for your wrist. Your heart skips a beat at the contact and you nod, trying to ease your nerves.

Natasha sits on her small sofa to read the article, and you’re too anxious so you walk around her office, examining the bookshelves. As you approach her desk, you focus on an open book, some notes scribbled along the margins.

“I love it” Natasha says, standing right behind you. You jump, so absorbed by the book that you didn’t hear her stand up and come close to you. She’s now reading over your shoulder. “It’s the Heptameron, by Marguerite de Navarre. I was working on a translation from the German edition”

You can now see the sheet of paper next to the page, Natasha’s writing looking rushed as if she fears the words will be taken by the wind. With a shaky voice, you break the sudden silence in the room, reading the story.

“A handsome young knight is madly in love with a princess

And she too is in love with him

Though she seems not to be entirely aware of it

Despite the friendship that blossoms between them or

Perhaps because of that very friendship

The young knight finds himself

So humbled and speechless

That he's totally unable to bring up the subject of his love

Till one day he asks the princess point blank

Is it better to speak or to die?”

“I found myself thinking a lot about unrequited love this weekend. And so I remembered this little thing” she says in a low voice. “What do you think is better? Speak or die?”

“I think that depends, Professor” you sigh, feeling her hand against your lower back.

“Depends… on what?” she whispers against your ear, making you shiver. “Should I speak about all the times I think of you, of how endearing and wonderful and intriguing you are to me?”

You turn around, cornered against her desk. Natasha’s hands traces a path down your arm, and takes your hand, lifting it to her lips. Your eyes follow the movement, and a sigh leaves your lips at the soft kiss she places on the back of your hand.

“Should I speak about how I wonder what it would be like to kiss you, taste you, mark you, until you’re chanting my name like a prayer?”

This time, her hand travels to your lips, pupils dilating as you allow her to invade your mouth with her finger, sucking gently until she retrieves it, pulling you by the waist.

“Should I speak, then? Or shall we keep pretending neither one of us wants this?” she whispers against your lips. You close your eyes, taking a breath to steady your heart. Her touch, her words, is all too much and you’re afraid it’s all a perfect dream, and at any moment you’ll wake up, alone and desperate for her.

“Please…” you say, leaning forward and capturing her lips in a messy, frantic kiss. Dream or reality, you’ll take Natasha in whatever way you can.

Natasha craddles your face in her hands, spreading your legs apart with her knee. You whine incoherently at her surprising strenght, your hands balled up in fists around the fabric of her pristine shirt.

“You’re so perfect” she sighs against your lips. “So beautiful”

“Natasha” you plead, wanting to feel her against you, closer, harder. More, more, more until you’re on the brink of destruction and she’s all that exists.

“I want you. Do you want me?” she asks, and you catch the uncertainty in her tone.

“Of course I do”

If only she could feel how wet you are, all because of her touch.

But there’s a knock on the door, and you both look at the spot, alarmed. Natasha squeezes your hand to reassure you.

“Yes?”

“Just delivering the paper, Professor”

“Leave it outside, I’ll pick it up in a minute. Thank you”

You take a moment to breathe and fix your hair, aware that your lips are swollen from all the kissing.

You kissed your professor. Natasha Romanoff kissed you.

“Are you ok?” she asks, worried about your sudden silence.

“Just wondering if I’m about to wake up from a beautiful dream” you admit, and she smiles.

“Do you dream of me?” she teases, her hand reaching for yours.

“Only when I’m awake”

Natasha smiles, kissing your fingers.

“Would you like to have dinner with me? My place. This Friday”

“Yes. I’d love to”

There’s another knock on the door, but Fury doesn’t wait for Natasha to answer. You jump away from the woman, unsure if this could get her into trouble.

Luckily, Fury is busy inspecting the paper that was dropped outside of Natasha’s office and he doesn’t pick up on anything as he looks up.

“Miss Y/L/N. You wrote an amazing article. Brilliant”

“Thank you, Doctor Fury” you say. “I should head out, my Sociology class is starting soon”

Natasha smiles at you, hoping you understand how much she wishes you could carry on.

But the promise of more lingers in her eyes and so, as you take one last look at her, you return her smile.

“I’m happy the knight spoke, Professor. See you in class”

“See you in class, Miss Y/L/N”

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x y/n #natasha romanoff x you

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lowkeyerror · 9 hours ago

Text

Congrats on Your Divorce

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Notes: Requested, fluff & smut, librarian!reader, divorced!Wanda, smut, fingering, thigh-riding, cunnilingus

Summary: You befriend Wanda, a regular at the library you work at, after learning about her divorce. The friendship becomes something more one day when you come over to help her with her sick kids. As your relationship progresses you even talk about buying a home together, which leads to a physical manifestation of how much you love each other.

An: It took me awhile because I got a little carried away. I hope I did your request justice 🙇‍♀️.

Masterlist

You enjoyed the mundane lifestyle that came with working at the library. There was a comfort that came with knowing that you worked in something of a community center. Being able to provide a service that for some was the highlight of their day. In this day and age having regulars at the library was a rarity, especially the adults. Kids would come after school for homework or for research purposes, but the adults were few and far between.

Technically it may have been weird that you had a favorite but you couldn’t help yourself. There was a woman named Wanda, she’d come once a week ask for a recommendation and sit there the whole day and read it.

She’d always make a comment or two on the book on her way out and it made you smile. It was good to know she appreciated your picks. Though there were other staff members she only really asked you.

When she missed one week, you found yourself discouraged. One week turned to two and so forth until it had been a month since you saw the woman.

“Y/n, it looks like your regular is back. She might need a little assistance,” one of your coworkers approaches you.

“What are you talking about?”

They give you a look that says ‘seriously’, “Ms. Recommendations, she’s in the non-fiction section looking a little worse for wear.”

You nod and make your way over to the section. There you find Wanda. Your coworker was not exaggerating. She looked so fragile as if she was just waiting for the tears to fall. She was staring at the books, but it was easy to tell that she wasn’t really reading anything.

“Looking for anything in particular,” you say softly, trying not to startle her.

She seems to snap out of her trance enough to try and answer you, “No, not today.”

It felt like she was speaking on autopilot. If it were another guest, you would’ve let her be, but this was Wanda. Perhaps it was a bit para-social but it felt like you knew her better than the average customer.

“I- I don’t mean to overstep, but are you alright?”

She lets out a tired sigh, “That obvious?”

You attempt to back track, “No… uh it’s just I haven’t seen you around in a while."

She looks away for a moment, “ Yeah, I um got a divorce. So I’ve been a hermit as of late.”

“Oh, congratulations.”

Wanda can’t help but laugh at your words, “Most people have been saying they’re sorry to hear, but congratulations? It’s kind of refreshing.”

You shrug, “Well I don’t think divorce is always a bad thing. It’s hard for sure, but it’s better than staying in a situation you don't deserve.”

“What if I was in the wrong?’ Her eyes are glued to the floor as she speaks.

“I may be overstepping again, but I doubt that's the case. You don't seem like the kind of person,” your tone doesn't make her argue, instead a look of relief crosses her face.

“I'm not,” she says taking a deep breath.

You smile at her, “Then it’s their loss.”

She smiles back at you, “I guess you’re right.”

Glad to have made her feel even a little bit better, you begin to leave the aisle she's in. You dint get far before there’s a gentle tug on your wrist. You turn back to stare into Wanda’s warm green eyes.

She’s nervous as she speaks, “I don’t know if I’m too old to be doing this, but fuck it. I could really use a friend right now and I was wondering if you’d be open to getting coffee or something, whenever you’re free.”

You stare at her for a few seconds before nodding, “I’m off in about 15 minutes, there’s a café a few blocks over that I think everyone should try at least once.”

Her excitement builds up in her features. She clears her throat to hide it, “I’ll wait for you by the YA novels?”

“Sounds perfect.”

From that day on Wanda wasn’t just a regular customer anymore, she was your genuine friend. She was also one of the sweetest people you had ever met in your life. She was unbelievably strong too.

The details of her divorce were quite messy. A touch of infidelity here and there, mixed with a custody agreement was a recipe for disaster.

You always offered to be there in any way you can’t for. She usually turns down your more serious offers for help, and sticks to fun small outings. You can tell that she’s somewhat embarrassed by her situation, but you don’t think there’s anything she should be embarrassed about.

“Y/n, I know I said I was free to go out today, but Tommy is sick and Billy isn’t doing that great either, can I give you a rain check?”

She called you and you could hear the tiredness and distress in her voice, “Let me come over and help you, Wands. Two sick kids is rough work, I know you could use a hand.”

She’s silent on the line, but the coughs and sinus filled conversation doesn’t stop.

Wanda sighs, “Okay, do you think you can bring me some medicine? I’ll text you some ingredients I need for soup too if that’s alright?”

“Whatever you need, I’ll see you in a bit,” you say simply.

You follow through on your word picking up various cough, cold, and fever medicines along with some cough drops. You nearly forget about the stuff for the soup, until Wanda texts you something she left off the ingredient list. After picking up everything you head to her house.

You’d been to her house before, but never when her kids were there. You had seen them with her a few times at the library, but back then you didn’t quite deduce that they were her children. It feels so obvious now, but Wanda was definitely a young mom in your opinion, or at least she looked like one.

You rang the doorbell and waited with the groceries in your hand. It took a moment but eventually the door swung open revealing Wanda. Though your hands were full, she’s the one who had bags under her eyes. She looked as though she would fall over any second.

“You’re a godsend Y/n,” she tries to take the bags from your hands but you don��t let her.

“And you’re sick too, here I figured this would happen,” you rummage through the bags and pull out a medicine that’s for adults.

“It’s drowsy.”

You nod, “I know, I figured you need the rest anyway, let me handle its.”

Wanda shakes her head, “Are you crazy? You think you can handle my two kids and me on your own?”

You smile at her, “You underestimate me, Maximoff. Let me show you what I can do.”

“We’ll see, but first come meet them properly.”

You sit the bags down in the kitchen, opting to take the medicine upstairs with you. She takes you to their room.

Tommy is propped up in his bed watching as Billy plays videogames from his spot on the floor.

“Tommy, Billy, this is my friend Y/n. She’s going to help us out today,” Wanda introduces you.

“The library lady,” Billy sounds congested as he speaks.

You nod your head enthusiastically, “ Yep, that’s me. I heard you boys were sick, so I brought some stuff to make you feel better.”

Tommy gags, “Ew medicine.”

You sympathize with him, “Ew is right, but it’s worth it I promise. In fact, I’ll sweeten the deal, you guys take your medicine, and I’ll make you the best soup of your life in return.”

“Better than mom’s?” Billy questions.

“ 1 million times better,” you egg him on.

Tommy is more hesitant, “I don’t know.”

You get closer to him, crouching so you can meet his level, “How about when you’re feeling better, we go out to the arcade and get some ice cream too.”

That seems to be enough for the boy, “That sounds awesome.”

While you’re chatting with them Wanda starts to prepare the medicine cups for the boys. They take the medicine with all the dramatics that children do.

“Ok, we’ll be back to check on you guys, shortly. Billy, get some socks baby. Tommy stay under the covers sweetheart."

The both of you exit the room and head back down the stairs. Wanda moves to start unloading the groceries, but you stop her.

“If you’re not going to fully rest, at least sit. I can make the soup,” you point to the barstools she has in her kitchen.

“Are you sure? I can help-"

You block her from opening the next bag. She looks into your gaze, which holds no feeling of malice or resentment. Instead she finds a warn and tender look behind your eyes.

“I’ve got it.”

She listens to your directions and takes a seat

She watches as you prep the ingredients, ever so often asking where she keeps certain things. Otherwise there is a fluid motion to your movements in the kitchen.

“You know you don't have to take them to the arcade just because they took the medicine, right?”

You pause slightly from chopping vegetables to look up at her, “I probably should’ve asked if it was okay with you first, but I don’t mind taking them. They seem like good kids, which isn’t a surprise at all considering they’re your kids.”

She beams at your words, “They’re a little more docile in this state, but they can be a handful at times. We haven’t really had a big outing like that since the divorce, I’m sure they’d appreciate it.”

“Then consider it done, as soon as they’re better let me know. We can all go out and have some fun.”

Wanda can’t help the feeling she gets hearing you talk so nonchalantly about going out with her kids. It’s something like a spark, that she hasn’t felt in a long time. She takes this time to really look at you, you’re stunning. Truth be told Wanda had always found you a little attractive, but she wrote it off as you just being conventionally good looking. However now, with you standing in her kitchen cooking for her and her kids. She’s starting to think it’s more than that.

“Do you like children, Y/n?”

“I have a soft spot for kids, it’s partially why I chose to work at the library. I had kind of a rough upbringing as a kid. It was just me and my mom, and money wasn’t all that great, but I remember her taking me to almost all the community events they hosted at the library. We spent a lot of time there. When I was old enough to go on my own, it was rare that I didn’t go. The library is such a haven for kids it’s one of my favorite things about it.”

Wanda felt herself melting under the sincerity of your words, “That’s really sweet.”

You start cooking down the vegetables before you answer, “Yeah, if I wasn’t so crazy about the library, I would’ve been a chef. I actually applied to a few culinary schools in high school, pretty ambitious but I had won a few competitions. I had offers and full ride scholarships to some of the best schools out there, but I chose to become a librarian instead.”

Wanda tilts her head to the side playfully, “So you weren’t just talking shit when you said you’re going to make a soup 1 million times better than mine.”

You laugh, “Technically I’m using the ingredients that you told me to get, so it’s more like our soup. I’m just tweaking a few measurements and cooking it a little different. It’s like a group project, if you will.”

Wanda laughs even harder, “You’re so full of shit.”

“Language, there are children present.”

Wanda rolls her eyes, “They’re upstairs."

“Children have super good hearing Wanda, trust me, I’m a librarian.”

She shakes her head with a small chuckle. She watches as the soup comes together a lovely aroma fills the kitchen, her mouth waters at just the smell.

“It smells delicious.”

You motion her over to the stove next to you. She scurries over, which makes you smile. She looks utterly adorable and ethereal at the same time. You began to notice it over the last few times you had hung out. Wanda was simultaneously the cutest and the most beautiful woman, you think you’d ever met in your life

“Taste,” you hold a spoon full of soup up for her.

She hesitates a little, but decides to just eat from the spoon while you hold it. Her eyes close as the flavors dance on her tongue. She lets out an involuntary moan, that has her blushing as soon as it leaves her mouth.

“Oh my god, that’s the best soup I’ve ever had in my life,” Wanda stares at you in awe.

“I hope the boys think so too.”

Wanda helps you fill the bowls for them, “They’re going to love it.”

True to her words the boys devour the soup going as far as to ask for seconds. Neither of you can deny them another bowl. Once they eat, you can see the food working in tandem with the medicine to tucker them out. Before they’re completely out of it you and Wanda get them ready for bed.

It feels more normal than either of you expected. By the time you’re done, both twins are now in bed. The tv plays something at a low volume, but you and Wanda are both aware that the kids will likely be asleep as soon as you leave the room.

When you leave you head back to the kitchen fixing 2 more bowls of soup for Wanda and yourself. You eat amongst each other with small chatter, but it’s comfortable. When you’re done, you almost have to fight Wanda to allow you to do the dishes.

She pouts, once again sitting at the barstool watching you clean.

“You haven’t let me help this whole time,” she whines.

“I’m here to help you, not the other way around,” you remind her.

Wanda places her hands on her hips, “But if you’re doing everything, what am I supposed to do?”

“Just sit there and look pretty,” you say without thinking.

Wanda feels her face heating up, losing track of how many times it has happened today alone, “Look pretty, huh?”

You can feel your ears heating with embarrassment, “oh I- well.”

“Oh my god are your ears turning red, that’s literally adorable. Are you flustered, Y/n?” Wanda teases.

You glare at her with faux-anger, “My ears? Your cheeks are just as red.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about?”

You wash your hands, quickly drying them before approaching her. You keep walking until there is virtually no space between the two of you. You look down at her, you don’t stop your eyes from dropping to her lips.

“Oh really?”

She looks up at you, her cheeks indeed, red like you had mentioned.

“And if they were?”

“Maybe I’d say that it’s adorable,” you use her words against her. “Or maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Her eyes dart to your lips.

You look back into her eyes, “Maybe, I’d kiss you.”

“I’d like that.”

That was all you needed to hear. She met you halfway and, in an instant, you were kissing. Your hand rested on the small of her back, while her hands locked around your neck. It was cliché but it was cute. The kiss itself was respectable, but still filled with a feeling of longing.

Wanda’s hands drop from your neck to lightly push you back, “I’m divorced with two kids Y/n-"

You stop her before she can even rant, “I know, Wanda. I’ve been here, maybe not the whole time, but most of it. I don’t care that you’re divorced and I’d love to get to know your kids. I’d love to get to know you better.”

“I feel like you already know me, Y/n. We’ve been friends for over a year now. We’ve spent so much time together, I’m just surprised you’re not tired of me yet.”

You take her hands in yours, “I could never get tired of you. I’m quite literally asking for more. Let me take you out some time.”

“Are you sure?”

It’s bold, but you place a quick kiss on her lips, “Positive."

From there things just seem to fall into place. You kept your promise to the boys, taking them out when they recovered from their sickness. Wanda was impressed by how well you mingled with them considering her ex always seemed to struggle to relate. However you, had no problem tapping into that childlike like amazement that the kids felt.

Soon after that outing, you and Wanda went on your first real date. You took her out to a nice restaurant. It was an upscale establishment, the prices weren’t even on the menu. Wanda tried to fret about how she didn’t know if she deserved this kind of treatment, but you always reassured her.

You believe she deserved the best and as long as you could give it to her you would.

It only took 4 dates before you asked her to be you girlfriends, not being the best at waiting. Luckily for you she agreed and truth be told if you would’ve asked her on the first date she probably would’ve said yes then.

At this point you’ve been dating for a little over a year. The twins are with their father for the weekend, and Wanda is staying over at your apartment.

The two of you are on the couch. She’s resting in your arms as you watch tv, “Wanda.”

She looks up, “Yes, detka.”

“How attached are you to your house?”

Her eyebrows furrow, “Why?”

You hold her gaze, “Is it crazy if I say that I want us to live together?”

Wanda plays with your fingers, “No, I don't think so.”

You kiss her forehead, “It’s just a thought.”

“You want to buy a house?”

You nod curtly, “We don't have to leave the area, I know the boys have school and I wouldn't want to pull them away or make them start fresh or anything, but I’ve been looking at some homes in the area. Something a little bigger, Billy and Tommy could both have their own room and a huge backyard. Maybe a dog, in the future.”

Wanda cups your face gently, pulling you down to kiss her, “I would love to buy a home with you Y/n.”

“Really?”

Wanda kisses you again, “Really.”

“I love you,” your eyes softening as the words fall from your lips.

“I love you too.”

Your lips are connected again, this time neither of you break the kiss. Instead Wanda shifts in your lap to straddle your waist. Her hands playing with the tiny hairs on the back of your neck. Your hands start at her thigh but end up sliding up to her hips, and soon your fingers are in contact with the cool skin of her stomach.

You aren’t able to stop yourself from kissing down her jaw. She moves her hair and cranes her neck to give you more access. Your teeth sink into her neck only for your tongue to soothe the skin. You suck the spot tenderly, causing little whines to emanate from Wanda.

“Y/n,” your name is breathless on her lips.

She doesn't have to say anything else for you to stand up with her still in your arms. You carry her to the bedroom. Once you’re in there and her feet are on the floor, you pull her shirt off. Yours follows after.

Wanda feels herself getting wet under your gaze. The way you take in her bare chest, eyes blown with want. While you stare she gets rid of the rest of her clothes. You eagerly do the same.

You pull her flush against your body. Skin heating upon contact.

“You’re perfect,” your thumb toys with one of her nipples.

Your head dips to take it into your mouth. You suck lightly, ever so often slowly fanning your tongue over the nipple. You do the same to the other nipple, while your hand cups her warmth. You moan at her wetness.

“ I need you,” she whispers.

You kiss her tenderly, backing her onto the bed. You’re gentle as you ease two fingers into her. She arches her back slightly, and her kiss becomes sloppier.

You’re in no rush as you slowly build pace. Her finger nails dig into your back.

“More please,” she buries her head in your neck.

You begin pumping at a faster pace, using your thumb to stimulate her clit. Her ragged breaths in your ear only turn you on even more.

You jolt as you feel her hand in-between your legs. Her fingers play through your folds and you hear her gasp in your ear.

“All for me baby?”

You nod, “All for you, Wands. Can I taste you, baby?”

“Fuck,” Wanda murmurs.

She pulls her fingers from you, signaling for you to suck them. You take them in your mouth, swirling you tongue around the digits, high off of your own taste.

Once her fingers exit your mouth, you maneuver down her body. You momentarily take your fingers out of her. She doesn’t have time to complain before you’re sucking on her clit.

“Holy shit,” she entangles her hands through your hair.

You keep eye contact with her as you lick, suck, and slurp her pussy. She throws her head back, taking her lip between her teeth. You can see sweat illuminating her body.

Soon you add your fingers back and you can feel her approaching her edge.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” she keeps repeating the mantra as she reach her peak.

You don’t stop when she cums on your tongue, only slowing your motions, to help her come back down.

“You did so good for me baby,” you say kissing up to her lips.

She shifts so her thigh is against your dripping cunt, “Your turn, my love. Use me.”

You see her flex her thigh, which causes you to moan, “Fuck, Wanda.”

Your hands rest on her shoulder as you begin to grind down on her. Her hands are on you, but the movements are all yours. Wanda watches with blown eyes as you fuck yourself on her thigh. Her hands climb up your sides to massage your breasts. You bite your lip as her fingers play with your nipples.

Wanda sits up slightly, just enough to get her mouth on your body. She sucks on near the top of your breasts, trailing hickeys across.

“I love it when you make a mess on my thigh, cum for me, moya lyubov.”

You cum all over her thigh. Her arms wrap around your midsection holding you steady as you shake. Her head rests against your chest, listening to your wild heart beat return to normal. She places a delicate kiss on your shoulder.

“I love you.”

You kiss the top of her head, “I love you too.”

Once you’re both cleaned up, you settle in bed for the night. You’re start out as the big spoon but soon Wanda turns to face you.

“I was so scared before you came into my life,« she admits.

“Wanda-"

She shakes her head, “Let me finish. I was so lost, I didn't know what to do, if there was anything I could do to feel like myself again. There were so many days I went through thinking I was unlovable. Then you show up, and all of those feelings and thoughts just leave. I’ve never felt so cared for. You make me remember all of the things I love about myself. You make love seem so easy, it feels obvious when you’re with me. I’ve never experienced a love like you’ve given me and I need you to know I love you too. I’ve never felt what I feel for you with anyone else.”

Wanda starts out loud and sure, but by the end her voice is quiet. She doesn’t break eye contact, fighting against her insecurities.

There are no more words shared between the two of you. Wanda kisses you with everything she is feeling and you return her fervor. She pecks you again before burying her head in your chest. You hold her tightly in your arms wondering how you ended up being so lucky.

Her words make emotion swell inside of you. Your voice cracks when you speak, “You are the love of my life. I was doing alright before, but you and the boys are truly everything I’ve been missing in my life. Getting to be with you, a part of your family, it means everything to me Wanda. Thank you, for letting me love you.”

#lowkeyerror #lowkeyanswers #lowkeyrequest #wanda maximoff imagines #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #billy maximoff #tommy maximoff

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urauntiefaye · 1 day ago

Note

Hey love, first time with Riize. Please and thank you 🩵🩵

First Time with Riize 🔞

WC:1801

TW: Smut smut smut, I don’t really mention the anatomy of y/n but I do mention the word chest and y/n is wearing lingerie in Seunghans, usage of nickname(in seunghans), I didn’t use pronouns in this either so gender neutral y/n? Cussing by yours truly me, I think that’s all let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Why do I feel like I went overboard with Wonbins…Also Seunghan about to be the death of me.

Shotaro

Your first time with Shotaro I feel like would be planned in some way?, hear me out on this. You two would’ve been dating for a while, the topic of having sex not really being mentioned as you’re both just living in the moment with each other. But the sexual tension would start to rise, and you both would be able to pick it up pretty quickly. I have a feeling he’d be so chill about it too. It would start with you over at his place in his room, straddling his lap as you both would devour one another in a makeout session. His hands that were purchased on your hips slowly moved up, making sure to trace your curves before they stop just at the bottom of your chest. Your breath hitching in your throat as you pulled away from the kiss. Words won’t even need to be spoken to have you both understand that tonight is the tonight. Shotaro would be so gentle too, everything being so overwhelming and filled with so much love. Starting out slow and gentle as your bodies molding against one another perfectly. He’s definitely holding your hand too.

Eunseok

Now as I’ve seen in the fandom on this app is that Eunseok is a dom, and probably a rough dom at that. And I agree 100%, I also feel like Eunseok has a high sex drive. Man's borderline addicted to that shit. So entering the relationship Eunseok would want to have sex with you right away. If you wanted to wait a while though or were a virgin and aren’t ready he will understand and won’t bring it up until you do. But guarantee I feel like this man would be struggling. Not in a toxic way trying to force or persuade you into it. And he won’t cheat on you or anything. But he will try to have to real himself back when you’re making out, and best bet he will be masturbating a lot to the thought of you. As soon as you go up to him and tell him you’re ready, be prepared to have this man basically jump on you. You would definitely have to tell him to calm down and be gentle. Mans just wants to love his baby the way he knows how.

Sungchan

I feel like Sungchan would be similar to Eunseok just not as intense?. Like he also really likes sex, but he would be more chill if you don’t want to jump right into it. He would be so understanding. Deadass he won’t even ask you but just his whole persona makes you want to jump HIS bones. You would be so sexually frustrated and he’s just vibing there on the couch with only grey sweats. Your first time with him would be so fucking intense but not like him being really rough with you? More of the sense that he will kiss every part of your body, worshiping you, it just comes so overwhelming I don’t know how to explain it. Not even that but every time you two have sex after that you will still feel that intense passion and overwhelming feeling. When you walk up to him standing in between his spread legs and mumble out that you’re ready. He would be so gentle and ask you again, once you agree reaffirming that you want it he would lead you to your room, light dimed. Slowly laying you on your back as he stripped you both of your clothes but in a slow yet teasing way. You would have to be the one to go faster. I swear to god having sex with Seunghan feels like Ride by SoMo

Wonbin

Messy. That’s all I have to say. Jkjk, but no, I feel like having sex for the first time with Wonbin would be messy. Like you both went out clubbing with a group of friends, Wonbin barely being able to take his eyes off of you. Now to go back a little, the reason you two haven’t had sex yet is because Wonbin is so nervous. He’s had sex before but if you’re less experienced than he is especially if you’re a virgin he would be so scared to touch you. Also pulling away when things start to get too heated type of guy. You wanted to have sex with him, you were ready to show that side of yourself to him. But he just keeps pulling away. At first you thought he just wasn’t into you like that leaving you insecure. But when Wonbin comforted you and told you that wasn’t the case he just doesn’t want to push you or possibly hurt you. That insecurity would turn into a mixture of pissed and admiration for him. Now back to what I was saying about the club. When you both got invited to a night out with friends you instantly went out to get a new outfit. One that shows off your body and makes you look like a fucking God/Godess. The entire night literally being you dancing swaying your hips with the others as Wonbin stared you down like a predator watching its prey. Finally snapping when he sees another guy approaching you. Calling the night early as he would grab you(still somewhat gently because he’s a gentleman and doesn’t want to hurt you). The ride home would be so suffocating with silence, that whenever you tried talking to him he would just side eye you.

Stepping into that apartment don’t be surprised for Wonbin to act like an animal in heat as he would absolutely ravage your poor body. He won’t finally snap out of it until you're both laying there trying to catch your breath. Poor boy would feel so bad and provide so much aftercare while giving you puppy dog eyes. Yeah…make sure you reassure him it’s okay and that this was your plan all along.

Sohee

Losing his virginity with you. The most this man has done with past partners was groping under the shirt and kissing. So with you he would want to lose his virginity but would be so anxious about it. You two would eventually build up to dry humping but that’s it. If you want to do more you will have to take the reins. You can not tell me he won’t be a stuttering mess looking like a tomato. It would be so sweet though because even though he’s nervous he will try his hardest to please you. Baby boy would be so eager, I see he would definitely be open to going down on you which he does so well btws. Like foreplay is so important to him, and he could be inbetween your legs for fucking hours don’t try me on this. Like the timeline of y’all that builds up to you finally having sex would be making out, making out with groping over clothes, making out with groping under clothes, making out with groping now with dry humping, to foreplay/oral. He’s all for it, setting the scene. I imagine it being like this: Him going down on you, you cupping his cheeks to pull him away as you tell him you need more of him hinting at having sex. Sohee's fast flushing, his dick twitching. Would have you ride him at first, it’s both pleasurable for you and him. Don’t be surprised if he comes fast but don’t worry I see him being able to go a second round.

Seunghan

Seunghan is like Eunseok and Sungchan to me, but like a good middle of the two. He definitely wants to have sex with you but is super chill about it if you aren’t ready. Never forcing or pushing you, but best bet he will have to try to real himself a little at times and defs goes to the bathroom to rub one out here and there. But I do feel like he would walk around shirtless on purpose but would be so nonchalant about it. You would be so confused because you know this fucker is doing it on purpose but he’s being respectful and I don’t know man it’s a mess. As soon as the night finally happens it being y’alls anniversary or something, and you would want tonight to be the night you walk out of the bathroom into the bedroom with a new set of lingerie in his favourite color. He would just stare at you for a hot ass moment taking your beautiful body in. If you start getting self conscious at his staring he would gently grab your hands pulling you closer until you're now standing in between his spread legs. Rubbing your knuckles with his thumbs. Saying shit like “is this for me baby?”(*screams*).I feel like he would start out like Sungchan, being slow and loving as he took his time with you. But would eventually lose it as he would turn into a horny mess/monster now fucking you into the bed. Would stop and switch back to the slow pace. You would end up having whiplash from this I’m sorry.(Dies at the thought of this sorry my guys)

Anton

Awkward…now hear me out on this. I love Anton, I really do, but I feel like having sex with him, especially the first time around would be so awkward at first. He’s not necessarily shy and nervous like Sohee. But he also doesn’t know what he’s doing so it would be filled with a lot of laughter as you both stumble over each other trying to be serious. You would have to lead him a little, but he would pick it up rather quickly. I don’t see either of y’all being dom or sub? Like there’s no roles in this as it’s literally just you two trying to feel and be close to each other. I also heavily see your first time happening at his dorm when he thinks everyone is gone. But to his knowledge and yours the others would return home early all hearing you two.

Now even though I feel like he would be a bumbling mess when you’re having sex, I feel like he would be a GOD at aftercare. So when you’re done he would make his way out of the room to grab you some water and tylenol just in case. Walking into the kitchen that has an opening to the living room he would instantly feel embarrassed as he spots all of his members sitting in the living room. Realization hitting that they definitely heard y’all. I kid you not, his world would combust with embarrassment as Sungchan would only pat his shoulder and giving him an open box of condoms saying “you’ll be needing these”.

#urauntiefaye🧚🏻‍♀️#riize hard thoughts #riize hard hours #riize smut #shotaro hard hours #shotaro hard thoughts #sungchan hard hours #sungchan hard thoughts #wonbin hard thoughts #wonbin hard hours #sohee hard hours #sohee hard thoughts #seunghan hard thoughts #seunghan smut #anton hard hours #anton hard thoughts #eunseok hard hours #eunseok hard thoughts

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noonecareslol · 3 hours ago

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꧁ Pillows On The Floor

☙𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐁𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐱 𝐅 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫❧

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You’ve had enough of waking up in your bed alone when it’s meant for two people.

𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃��𝓈：None really just pure fluff. BUTTTT this is my first fic written on tumblr so be nice pookies :)

༺༻

It started when you first moved into your shared apartment. You would put your pajamas on, wash your face, and pull the covers back to slip in your shared bed.

Well, it’s supposed to be shared. Instead, just like clock work, Bucky would take his pillow and blanket to lay on the floor. Every. Night. You understood why. He spent nearly 70 years in HYDRA’S harsh conditions. Being uncomfortable was all he’s ever known.

At first you let him be and it eventually became a routine. You would both get ready for bed before kissing him goodnight. You would slip into bed and he would slip into the blankets thrown on the floor haphazardly. Each night before turning off the light, you would ask if he would join you. But he always responded with the same stubbornness, “I’m more comfortable down here. I promise.” And with a squeeze of your hand, you would both go to sleep.

After about a month or two of the same nightly routine, you became sick of feeling the emptiness next to you. You would reach out for him during the night only to be met with one of your many stuffed animals. So, you decided to start sleeping on the floor with him.

“What are you doing?” Bucky questioned as you lay your pillow next to his. His eyebrows were furrowed and his sleepy eyes were squinty.

You place another blanket on top as you slide in next to him, “I’m going to bed? It’s nearly 12.” You attempt to fluff your pillow, trying to get comfortable on the hard wood flooring.

A small chuckle escaped his lips as he propped his head on his elbow, looking over at you with his light blue eyes, “Y/n, i’ve told you i’m fine. You don’t need-“

“I know you’re fine. But I actually want to sleep on the floor.” You interrupted him and he could tell you were lying just by the way you haven’t stopped fluffing your pillow.

It’s not like the floor is comfortable. He knows that, you know that. But you aren’t doing this for him. You’re doing it because you don’t want to be the only one in your king sized bed anymore. And you’d rather be on the cold floor with him than alone on your bed.

Bucky sighed before flopping on his back. A small smirk played at his lips as you continued to mess with your blanket and pillow, “Whatever you say doll.”

You give up on your pillow before turning to face him, “It’s so comfy down here. It’s probably good for feng shui too.” You kiss his stubbly chin as you lie to him, and yourself.

“Feng shui, hmm?” He turns to face you, draping his cold metal arm across your waist. He pulls you close and your face buries in between his chin and shoulder, “I love you, Y/n.”

Your body warms at his touch, even with the cold floor pressing against you. He still makes you melt after all this time. You lean up and place a soft, loving kiss on his lips, “I love you too Bucky.” You cuddle against him and close your eyes.

Bucky smiles as you attempt to fall asleep. His hand reaches up to play with your hair. His metal fingers running through the soft strands. He waits and waits until your breathing finally slows and your chest rises and falls evenly before he gently sits up.

Careful not to make any sudden moves he slowly pulls the blanket off of you. A smile plays on his lips as he looks at you. Your knees are pulled to your chest at an attempt to keep warm and your hair is messily laid on the pillow.

He turns around and pulls the comforter and the sheet down. He fluffs up your pillows the way he knows you like and moves some of your plushies to make room.

Slowly he moves down, bending his knees as he softly scoops his arms under your waist and legs before pulling you to his chest. He steadily stands up, lifting you with him. You instinctively nuzzle into his chest, the warmth radiating off his body making you feel safe. He lays your legs down first as he slips you into the bed. His hand moves from your waist to the nape of your neck as he pulls the comforter over your body. Your eyes gently flutter open as Bucky places a tender kiss on your forehead.

“Shhh, shh. Go back to sleep darling.” He whispers as he sits on the edge of your bed. He’s moved his hand from the nape of your neck to your cheek, softly stroking your face.

Once your eyes close again he slowly starts to stand up, careful not to make any sudden movements when he feels your hand wrap around his wrist.

“No. Please, I want to sleep next to you. I feel safe in your arms Bucky. I don’t want to wake up clutching my teddy bear anymore.” Your eyes were a bit glossy, tears threatened to fall as your grip became tighter.

He sits back on the bed and places his hand on your thigh, “I don’t know Y/n. I don’t know if I can. I’m so used to being uncomfortable that its normal now.” He slowly rubs your thigh, reassuring you that he is okay on the floor. You’ve always been understanding about his trauma and it was one of the many reasons he fell in love with you so fast.

You give a small smile, “Can you maybe try? Just test the waters and if you don’t like it, you can go right back to the floor.” You’re pulling his hand now, tugging him to the bed.

He slowly nods before walking around the bed and slipping in next to you. He hesitates as he feels his head land against the pillow but you’re quick to wrap your arm around his waist. Your plushies are tossed off the bed now and you’re nuzzling into his side.

“It’s definitely more comfy than the floor.” He chuckles as he wraps an arm around you pulling you closer.

A pretty giggle escapes your lips and Bucky is quick to place a loving kiss on them. You hum contently as your eyes start to close. And as you fall into a deep sleep the last thing you hear is Buckys soft snores.

༺༻

a/n: Hey gang FIRST fic i hope you like it🙏🙏

#bucky x reader #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes #bucky x you #bucky barns imagine #winter soldier #winter solider x reader #bucky barnes x you #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #fluff #help gaza

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the-100-days-of-junkan · 2 days ago

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Day 94

Drowning by aparticularbandit

I’m Excited!~

Both because I just really like todays fic, and also because this is another piece that I’m particularly fond of both with the end result and the process of making it!

Let’s talk about the fic this time first! Spice it up a little!

Love this one! A lot! And if I’m not having a severe lapse in my memory this was actually my introduction to Bandits work! While I haven’t read all of it (yet), what I’ve managed to take in so far is truly lovely! Bandit consistently has a very strong way of putting words together, the inner monologues written for whatever character we happen to be following are so good! Go read!!

I mentioned Drowning quite a few days ago, as it inspired two of the pieces playing with the idea of Junkan’s dynamic when portrayed using the Alter Ego flavor of Junko. So it seemed pretty fucking obvious that when making a list of what fics to make fanart of in this section of the project, that Drowning would have to be one of the first ones I did.

I love the process of Mikan internally explaining how it felt to finally remember Junko after being forced to forget her in the Neo World Program. I think there’s still intricacies to the wording that I’ve yet to pick up on, but it’s such a fun and readable description of how that feels! I love it! And the fun little anecdote about the two watching Horror Movies together is so fucking pleasant just as an aside. Love that.

I really like Monokuma’s implementation here, short as his tenure in the text is. He is just a silly little guy amidst this very serious oneshot and then Mikan says “Junko” and he isn’t fucking around anymore. I love it! The description of Blood in DR is also nice!~ Now the like, actual Junkan part of the Junkan fic though. It’s amazing!~

First off, Mikachin as a nickname is adorable. Second off, I’m not sure how to adequately articulate WHY i love the rest of this so much? Like I can say I really, really love the kiss scene, it drives me up a wall how good it is like god DAMN. But the rest? It’s just so fuckin well put together, pure artistry, excellent. And the end? Mikan “swimming”? Perfect, cinema even. Good work. God damn.

As for the art it’s actually both a cover, AND an adaptation. The combo.

When trying to figure out how to handle this I knew a few things. I wanted Monokuma, and I wanted the cave by the beach, since I love that fucking metaphor. After a lot of thought I decided to make it an adaptation of the scene where Mikan pets Monokuma. Albeit adding my own interpretation of things, which may have been misguided depending on your perspective. There’s a chance that when drawing Junko here I softened her up further than what might have been intended. That’s the one thing that usually happens whenever I read these Junkan Fics taking place in actual canon, it’s always a little bit hard for me to tell what the general intention with Junko is in terms of her feelings towards Mikan. Not by any fault of the author(s) of course, it’s more me trying to tell if it was actually intended to be a softer Junko who does care for Mikan, or if that’s my own biases clouding my interpretation of the text.

I just really liked the visual of Junko watching over Mikan while she figures things out until they can be together again, like a ghost but less sad. Except it’s a little sad given y’know, it’s Alter Ego Junko and also this is in canon so Mikan’s gonna “die” relatively soon after this, but also they don’t need to know that.

I really need to draw Monokuma more often. I definitely draw him a bit . . . cuter? With a much smaller body compared to the size of his head, usually at least. I do draw him more on model sometimes, kind of a random chance whether that happens.

Lighting this fuckin pic was so enjoyable, like some of the most fun I’d had in a while. I don’t really remember why I did the glowing pool below them in place of a floor, beyond the motif of water, but i’m really glad I did. Junko? Amazingly fun to draw, I made the color palette a bit more muted this time around and I think duller colors really work for Junko, which is funny given how maxed out she normally is. Her hair, was so god damn fun to draw, oh my god.

Fun fact! This pic was actually how I introduced myself to Bandit sometime earlier into the event, and they’re an absolute fuckin treat to talk to, very glad I worked up the confidence to do so. Definitely adds a bit more sentimental value to this art in specific!~

As always, Reblogs, Comments, and Little Notes in the Tags are appreciated!~ They always make my day!~

#danganronpa #junkan #junko enoshima #mikan tsumiki #enomiki #junko x mikan #shipping #enoshima junko #tsumiki mikan #junkomikan #monokuma

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lemonzestywrites · 5 months ago

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people in this fandom who’ve been especially hurt lately by what’s been happening due to prior trauma know i’m wishing you truly nothing but the best for your mental and physical wellbeing

i’m so so extremely sorry people are using this shit as an excuse to be stir hate and discourse and none of it is okay in the absolute slightest.

i love you. i’m so glad you’re here alive with us. and please please take care of yourselves.

prioritize your health and safety however that my look and if stepping back for a little while is that answer know that no one is ever going to hold that against you.

fandom should be a place of community and safety and right now, as much as it pains me, it isn’t. but that doesn’t mean we still can’t take care of one another.

i’ve been a part of this fandom for a good while now and i feel like i can confidently say the vast majority of people genuinely and purely built this place to be loving and supportive. there is nothing but grief in my heart to know that right now it doesn’t feel like that for many people but please let this be a reminder-

here you are loved

you are cared for

you are wanted in this space

none of this is okay in the slightest. i know a lot of individuals who are doing their best to post updates and report these fics when they pop up, so if you’re still active online please take care of yourself and love into these safety measures if you can

if you’re someone who’s unsure or scared to step away for whatever reason let this be your permission to know that it is absolutely okay to do so. your writing can take a pause. you art can be saved for later. you can come back to your edits whenever you’re ready.

you and your personal health matter so much more.

and if you’ve already chosen to step away from everything i want you to know you are perfectly okay in doing that. no one is upset with you. you have zero obligation to anyone in this space to force yourself to be here. i wish you nothing but the absolute best for you in the meantime

and if this experience has justifiably been too much and you have have decided to take a permanent leave, i again can’t stress enough there is no shame in doing so. i’m so so sorry this happened and hope you can find comfort and peace elsewhere where you need it.

there is zero need or pressure for you to ever force yourself back in this fandom. these last few days have been beyond hectic and i can’t imagine the emotional and physical toll it might take on you, so genuinely there is no expectation for you to return if you do not feel ready, if ever.

in the case you do feel safe and ready, know myself and so many people will be here to accept and welcome you back with nothing short of acceptance and support.

please please take care of yourself in the meantime, friend.

#i’m so sorry if this is offensive or comes off wrong to anyone #i wrote this in one sitting just wanting to put alll of what i was feeling and wanting to say so if this doesn’t make sense #or is insensitive please lmk and i’ll take it down immediately #i can’t imagine how awful this experience might be for someone who has lived it and is seeing it be weaponized against them #in such a fucked up and awful way. like i’ve been sick over it the last few days #so i feel like i’ve just needed to say this in some way or another #just please please take care of yourself the best you can i’m so sorry this is happening #911 #9-1-1 #911 abc #911 show #911 fandom #fandom psa

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edge-oftheworld · 24 days ago

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I don’t really talk about it much on here because I’m extremely lucky to be able to understand exactly what’s going on in my body, but it’s scary to live for years as someone who Gets Things Done in a way your peers don’t really understand, be putting effort into so many things you care about, and then suddenly lose the ability to do not only that but also basic tasks overnight after a deadline, and bit by bit after many. it’s scary getting really irritable sometimes to the point of violence, just when you were meant to be celebrating the rewards from your hard work, the only impact of the work you did that you can see is that you overdrafted your ability to do anything. including have a basic conversation without getting grumpy or crying. and your body is going to make you pay it back with interest, you already know that, but you don’t know how to start filling yourself back up. you’ve only ever enjoyed being on the grind, hard at work on exciting things.

I don’t know how many of you have been through the kind of burnout that’s years of needing 12hrs of sleep a night but with terrible insomnia, waking up to what feels like a hangover for weeks on end with little relief then rinse and repeat without having a single drink, feeling too sick to eat and needing to exercise to emotionally regulate but being unable to, anxiety that doesn’t come from worry but you’ll pick that up too at some point, dissociating every time you try to do mentally taxing tasks that you’re PAID for so it takes an hour of grounding yourself just to get five minutes worth of productive concentration, falling asleep the minute you feel a little safe by being in the presence of loved ones. but I suspect I’m not the only one.

I’ve had songs for the energetic and angsty times leading up to this. for the exasperated times and the brain fog and the times where all my limited energy is tied up in feeling things. that I need to, need to acknowledge, but it’s overwhelming and I live in a haze for weeks as a result of. songs telling of the kind of youth I wish I had, even when I was sold something else. songs for the months spent as a teenager trying to be there for my friends, worrying for them, distracting me from worrying for myself, trying to cling on to positivity and hope amongst it when I had to choose to make a discipline of always seeing that. I’ve had songs for healing and when healing is harder than expected and songs that have the right level of musical complexity to capture the layers of everything that’s happening in my head, making it sound good, telling me it’s gonna be okay.

I don’t know how I could ever say thank you for this. but I do know that I see parts of myself in the people behind these songs, of course I do, and I worry for them as a result and ache for them because it’s hard enough to feel this way when no one knows me or feels the need to control me or mould me into what they think I should be. I’d do anything to keep them all healthy and happy and all of their loved ones too and I don’t think it’s strange as a fan to take that seriously. I hope we can understand the need to treat them gently, and to while not questioning their privacy and the fact that they’re never going to tell us everything they go through, listen to our intuition when we catch something we relate to and treat what they’ve shared with us or hinted at with the dignity we would if someone we love told us something vulnerable. be kind in our expectations and be intentional in the fan culture we create because it does make its way back to them.

and the same goes with all of you. we’re bonding over the same things. I know a lot of this fandom is in the stage where interpersonal relationships are hard. we don’t mean to be grumpy of frustrated but we are. and I’m sending love to all of you. we can get through this together. it’s what they’ve always longed for isn’t it?

#thoughts after how worried I’ve been recently. since june I think #I’d love to start a conversation in this fandom about the connection im newly discovering between burnout and mental illness and fatigue #in a way we can be positive about these things and be there for each other without calling anyone to confirm if we interpret some songs #to represent experiences that may or may not be theirs because it doesn’t matter in the end. we have these songs and if you get it you get #we’ve all been clocked as ‘not feeling very well’ recently anyway so. it doesn’t need to be specific. but we do need to be kind #like hey. artist. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through to have written these songs that mean this to me. but I’m here for you #fill in the blanks. all we’ve got are our stories to share. I hope mine helps us understand and be a little kinder to those who need it #without thinking we can judge who we think needs it. but rather default to kindness and in the case of musicians etc that means patience #it means we learn together. what it means to connect and have boundaries and the boundaries they might like to have #anyway I’ve not said who these songs are by so if you reblog and wanna tag another artist that’s g I’ve got a few by several others as well #but I know this fandom. I know this band and I know exactly why I worry for each band member though I’m not gonna say here. just. take care #5 seconds of summer #5sos #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #exact experience of burnout I have talked about is that of someone with adhd and a pda profile and some form of bipolar #which may be a product of pda profile things or not. these aren’t the only diagnoses I’d likely fit but they are the ones that explain the #story and have guided me to understand how to recover and I’m doing that bit by bit. and if you want me to tell you how please ask #but I’m not advertising it cause that’s weird I’d sound like a scammer if I did. even if when I’m hypomanic I think I can heal everyone

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deepseawave · 5 months ago

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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog

Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️

Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D

#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a #while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with #and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like #him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing #is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao #she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t #emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao #oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about #max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too #especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually #not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do #you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone #but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions #everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some #degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be #annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me #whoops this post got away from me again oh dear #I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio #giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious #interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving #beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some #of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻‍♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him #god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)

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lookatlavender · 2 years ago

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btw masculinity is a beautiful and divine force in the same exact way that femininity is 💖 being a man is amazing! you should get to love being a man! masculinity and manhood should never be punishing or painful, please please i’m begging you let it be the wonderful, uplifting, positive force in your life that it wants to be!!!

#transmasc #trans #queer #ftm #trans man #trans nsft #ftm nsft #nb nsft #transmasc nsft #what i’m trying to say is that neither is better or worse than the other #masculine or feminine both are divine and both are beautiful #and i see so many trans men scared of their masculinity or feeling like they have to hate on the fact that they’re a man to be accepted #even and sometimes especially in queer spaces #OR feeling like they need to hurt themselves in some way or another #whether it’s to pass or to prove themselves to others or idk whatever motivates it #i feel like men and mascs quickly learn that pain is a part of it #and it almost becomes like a point of pride #idk this isn’t coming out coherent #i’m just thinking about how many trans men i’ve known who will like almost brag about wearing their binder too long #and like #i understand that it’s to cope usually but idk #it just makes me sad that there this impression that being a man is supposed to hurt :(#that that has to be an inherent part of it #or of earning it #like i’m masculine in the ways that i’m masculine cause i am and that’s it #i wish no one felt like they have to earn it or prove it with like literally blood sweat and tears

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glassgulls · 1 day ago

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OK! So now I've read and digested the chapter I just wanted to point out some things that made me cry and scream.

Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken.

I love how visceral you are able to convey characters feelings, the sheer panic and despair that Amy must feel mixed with the joy I can't even imagine what that would do to you mental and physically. Especially with the heightened emotion of hormones in the mix. I can feel the empty feeling in her gut, that feeling of rejection from the one person you had that finally saw you as you and accepted everything the good and bad. Then to have that ripped away from you, to have the one person walk away seemingly not wanting to fight for you? And when you are at your most vulnerable? I would just fall apart then and there.

Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks.

Even in dreams the torment Amy feels is so heartbreaking. You always feel like when you sleep you're finally able to retreat from the world and your pain. I feel I'm there with her, lying there feeling like my world is being swept away. The description of the black sea of emptiness dragging her down hit me so much and her remembering that she was calling out to Lucas, crying and begging him but there's only that void. I honestly just want to hug her, Amy seems to think that she's not strong but to go through that, to feel that complete heartache but keep going she's so resilient. The sense of building pressure of despair you craft with Amy's thoughts and feelings both emotional and physical are so perfect. Ugh my heart just bleeds for her so much I want to just hold her hand and comfort her. I hope one day I can create such a real and relatable character like with Amy.

A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day.

The way you describe that feeling of dread at facing a new day was such a gut punch to me. I think we all can admit to ourselves that we have felt like that. I love the description of that tightness in her chest, again you build the sense of anxiousness, that stress and pressure that's simmering in her. Uuuuugh it's so beautifully angsty!

“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”

This, this right here is why we all need a Ros. I absolutely LOVE her dynamic with Amy. She's the only one who actually makes Amy decide what AMY wants to do. To encourage Amy to make her own decisions, to give her advice but not pressure Amy one way or another. Sharing that wisdom Ros has learned about the job and life that comes with it but be realistic, not sugar coat or doom say it. I think with Ros gentle guidance Amy can finally see herself as the world does a powerful and capable woman.

Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry.

I love the perspective of Sharon here, holding her daughters hand and seeing her come back to life again hearing the baby's heartbeat. I can see the way Amy is looking in my head with the way you describe it there's always such cinematic quality to it. I can see it on the screen so clearly. I can see Amy's first smile in weeks as she looks at the screen, that little bit of hope in Amy with that smile.

Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind.

In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.

“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”

Ok I think this is such a brilliant mix of emotion! The way you convey such realness at the confusion at excitement and mourning. The frustration that the decision had been made for Amy yet again without her say so. Sharon's lack of understanding of what Amy actually wants. And I do love that Sharon's attitude, even though it could be perceived as meanness, it's purely done out of love and wanting to protect her child and grandchild. It's done out of what Sharon thinks will keep Amy and the baby safe. But it's at this point we can see that Amy isn't a child anymore. Yes Amy might want advice but Amy needs to spread her own wings and at some point just like Amy is now you start to create your own little family outside of the parental unit. I think Sharon is brilliant complex character, she's not this villain trying to intentionally hurt Amy by keeping her apart from Lucas but this desperate mother fighting off any potential threat of harm.

Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again.

I know I keep saying this but I love the way you can describe a scene so clearly without overselling it. I can see Lucas sitting there bleakly in that flat the colour of life drained out of him with the contrast to him reliving his life filled in memory with light. You've created this atmosphere of him sitting here alone feels so cold and devoid of any warmth.

He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.

I see the little nod with the book madam! It's so heartbreaking to see the process of him totally breaking down and giving up. To see him torment himself with the life that he's always wanted but feels he's not allowed.

Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity.

Again this was so wonderfully descriptive of Lucas's life being so cold and grey without Amy. Going through the motions of routine to get through the day. It's so heartrending to see him turn in on himself, it's interesting to see how the way his past relationships contrast so sharply with his and Amy's. I love the way you let us see underneath Lucas's MI5 mask. For us to see him compare and coming to realise what it was that he actually wanted in a relationship. That with Amy she saw him as the man outside of MI5. That all she wanted was him the man, not what she could get out of him with MI5 and had no ulterior motives.

Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria.

That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.

Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.

I love you.

Ok this section was so utterly bleak and my heart was bleeding for Lucas. Him showering to essentially self harm was so gut wrenching. You delivered his complete falling apart with such a brilliant punch. There's no heavy handedness and brash it's a deliberate careful trickle to this crescendo of how far he has fallen into despair to the image of him sitting on the bed drunk and at the end of his tether. The ultimate broken man, with the only thing in his head to just reach out to Amy. Those three words are so simple but they packed such a kick it was brilliantly written.

A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer.

He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.

This was such a huge turning point for me seeing Amy's character development. Amy taking that stand to do what she thought was the right thing to do by her family. That fear of what her Mum would say but still taking that brave plunge to be there for Lucas. And the way you are able to show Amy's pure love for Lucas. To reinforce the fact that Amy just wants to see him safe, to see him happy. Before we have seen Lucas taking charge or the relationship and being the protector but Amy does it with quiet grace and strength it's beautiful.

It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?

HELLO FATE! Showing up and giving a little nudge!

For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.

We’re going to see your daddy.

I was smiling ear to ear at this bit, head in hands grinning like a big idiot cheering Amy on.

The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life.

I thought this was such a beautiful sense of the passing of time, again it's so cinematic. That sense of the seasons changing around them as they go through the ups and downs (and shooting and kidnapping!) I loved the contrast of the new beginnings for Amy, it was so bittersweet but that hope you build into it. It's a new start in a phase of her life I thought it was so poignant that Amy returning with this new sense of discovery about herself in that she is out to take that new horizon and shape it for herself and her new family.

Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.

THE. CLIFFHANGER. MADAM! I BLOODY took a deep breath at this as she knocked on the door! Damn, I fucking love the pace you've created in this and the journey your showed Amy and Lucas going through. Both with the utter heartbreak and despair at losing each other. Amy with the rejection and confusion that Lucas is not seeming to fight for her and the utter terror that she is alone. But bloody Hell she keeps going, and pushing herself forward despite not knowing what direction to go in. But with Ros's little nudge Amy's is standing up and fighting for what SHE wants. AMY is making that decision! Taking that chance which must be terrifying. And MAN it's so satisfying and exciting to see her on that journey.

And Lucas we see him completely falling apart and it was so interesting to see him (through Amy's eyes) as the strong confident person of MI5 actually just as vulnerable and desperate. And I know Amy wants someone to fight for her and maybe that person is also herself that need to do that fighting for herself if that makes sense? The character development and to see her grow as a person has been such a wonderful rollercoaster. It's felt so natural with the pacing. And we see that Lucas is now in desperate need for someone to fight for him and Amy is that strength and has always been with her selfless love and dedication to him and his happiness. With Lucas you can see that with his past relationships did they really see him as the Lucas North the man not Lucas North MI5? Amy did. I love the contrast between them from the beginning and now. Amy standing on her own two feet scared but not backing down and facing her life head while Lucas from the confident MI5 agent to Lucas the man lost in wanting the one thing he feels he shouldn't be allowed to have, a family and life.

I hope what I've written makes sense I just wanted to share my thoughts and how much joy and heartache it's been watching their journey together. I'm so hyped and nervous about where you are going to take them next @fizzyxcustard!

Covert Eyes (25)

Masterlist of fan fiction

Fandom: Spooks

Pairings: Lucas North x OC (Amy Holland)

Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation, PTSD, torture mention.

Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?

When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?

Official soundtrack list: here

Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in. People who don't engage are gradually being removed from my tag list.

This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)

Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.

Thank you so much to those of you who have remained with me through this journey writing this story, and while we are very close to the end of this story, it's not the end of Lucas and Amy! ;)

Morning sickness began, or at least got stronger; Amy couldn’t quite tell. Most mornings that Amy had got up in the last month and she had felt nauseous, probably due to her anxiety spikes, and not just the hormones beginning to surge.

On the day that Amy was due to meet with Ros and she could barely keep any food in her stomach. Two rounds of toast had been immediately thrown back up. Three days later would be Amy’s booking appointment, where she would speak to a doctor or midwife face to face and begin the process of booking her first scan.

Nights were the worst. Amy was left alone with nothing but her thoughts, and she would always think of Lucas. She replayed the memories of when he tickled her under the bedclothes, when he would come behind her in the kitchen and wind his arms around her, the feel of his hand in hers, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice. Every night and she prayed he would contact her, but he didn’t. Her texts and WhatsApp remained empty of any new messages from Lucas North.

Ros waited for Amy in a Costa, which was in the city centre of Coventry. She slipped away towards the back of the shop and waited. It wasn’t long before she saw Amy’s familiar figure step into the building.

Amy stopped, scanned the sea of heads and then nodded as she caught Ros’ gaze.

“What would you like? I’ll get it,” Ros offered with a faint smile.

“Just a cup of tea, please. I need to keep it a little more bland. I’ve been really sick the last day or two,” Amy said.

Ros didn’t answer, but instead walked to the counter and placed her order.

Amy sat down, being temporarily taken back to the café she frequented with Lucas. The place where it all began just over a year ago. It would be their one year anniversary the following week if they had still remained together. The night when Amy had fully let him in, the beginning of their rocky relationship.

Amy watched Ros order their drinks. Why did these people sacrifice everything in their lives just for the sake of a job? What was it about MI5 that was so special? They had given up their normal lives, friends, family, for this job. Lucas thought he could have a normal life, but that had all turned out to be false. No one had a normal life. The long list of casualties on the job proved that. Amy had heard about many of them. Surveillance operatives who had found themselves in deeper shit than they could have ever imagined.

“What should I do?” Amy asked simply, as Ros placed the drinks down on the table. “Lucas is adamant that my parents are right, and has told me he’ll come to the scans and birth but won’t be with me. How can I get through to him?”

Ros sighed and began opening a sachet of sugar. “Lucas is stubborn at the best of times. But if you want to be together enough then you’ll do it. Lucas wants you safe, and neither of us can argue with that.”

“I’m not worth the fight for him.”

“No, it’s not that at all,” Ros said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’ve known him about three years now, and never saw him as content as when he was with you. He finally seemed at peace with himself. You really bring out the best in him, and he adores you. Never think anything less than that. Lucas never does anything by half measure, especially when it comes to you.”

Amy looked down into her lap and felt the tears come again. “I wish he would let me make up my own mind. He’s always making decisions for me.”

“I’m so sorry, Ros. I had no idea,” Amy replied.

Ros smiled at Amy. “You didn’t know him, but you’ve probably heard his name mentioned. Adam Carter. Things wouldn’t have worked out between us. I always knew that. The job kept us apart, but he died on the job, same as his wife, Fiona. MI5 will either make or break you, Amy. But either way, once you’re in, you don’t leave. You and Lucas are truly devoted to each other, and you deserve happiness.”

***

“You’re approximately twelve weeks,” the midwife told Amy. “Baby is growing well. Seems quite active.”

“I estimate your due date approximately the last week of August.” The midwife wiped the gel from Amy’s stomach and paused the image on the screen, printing the scan. “I’ll book you for your next scan, and hopefully then we can determine the sex of the baby, if you want to know.”

Amy smiled. “I’d love to know. I always had it planned out in my head that if I had children, I’d want to know. It helps me get to know them better.”

The midwife, a middle-aged lady with short greying hair and glasses, smiled. “That’s nice,” she said simply.

Amy looked away and sighed. Of course the midwife wouldn’t be as interested; she saw dozens of pregnant women every day, and no doubt they all sounded like a broken record to her.

In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently.

“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.”

***

Time passed, weeks turning into months.

Amy felt the tension and anxiety lessen, as the nausea got worse by her fifth month, and then eased again. The fluttering sensations began, something she knew was inevitable as the baby grew. Her stomach was becoming harder and more prominent, resting a little heavier on the waist of her trousers.

Ros still remained in touch, having formally put Amy on early maternity leave after two months of sick leave. She had done all she could to keep the position open for Amy and also enable money to continue coming in, so she at least had something to live off.

Lucas was silent. Sometimes his deafening silence brought her to tears in the middle of the night as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, praying he would be back beside her one day. She tried to imagine what the baby would look like, giving it Lucas’ grey blue eyes. But thinking on the baby’s appearance, always caused her to break down again.

***

Lucas walked slowly into the kitchen and looked out of the window, into the communal garden. It was growing dusk, with longer days moving in as the weeks passed quickly through spring. He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one.

One way to numb the pain was alcohol. In the last few weeks and Lucas had welcomed whiskey and vodka into his life on a more permanent basis. The bedside table housed half empty bottles.

That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom.

Amy was so ready to fight for you and you just let her go.

But she needs to be protected. Her and the baby.

You want her and she wants you. Fuck what her parents think.

The arguments raged. Back and forth the voices went, turning into whispers the more that Lucas drank from the bottle.

Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down.

I love you.

***

Amy stared at the message, unable to comprehend that Lucas had actually sent her something. He’d been silent now for months, so she had taken this as her sign to leave him be and go through her pregnancy alone. The timestamp on the message was 2:04am. Messages in the dead of night were always a cry for help in some way. She whispered his name, still feeling stunned and not sure what to do.

A few hours passed and Amy still wondered what on earth to do with the message from Lucas. She’d looked back at the message multiple times, making sure that she wasn’t imagining it all. But it was still there. Three simple, desperate words.

An incoming call came from Ros.

“Hi, Ros. Is everything okay?” Amy asked, trying to force a cheerful tone.

“I wish I could say it was,” she replied. “Lucas didn’t turn up for work this morning, and has been coming in smelling of drink. Amy, he’s not doing well. He needs you.”

Amy sighed and swallowed hard. “He’s stubborn, Ros. No matter what I say and do, he won’t let me come back. You know he won’t.”

“Something tells me not this time.”

Lucas had suffered enough in his life and all Amy wanted was to see him find peace, wherever and whoever he found that with. He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours.

On the train an hour later and Amy flicked through her purse, checking that she had enough cash to get her across London to her old flat. But as she rummaged in the coin compartment, she felt something long against her fingers. It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back?

The flashing of buildings and landscape somehow soothed her, while a teenage girl of around sixteen years of age sat next to Amy, flicking through Instagram, and occasionally posing in her front facing camera.

The closer she got to London and the more she could feel the fluttering in her belly, which was now showing.

For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled.

We’re going to see your daddy.

Apprehension and excitement both rose inside Amy. She had missed Lucas more than she could ever express, and while on the underground and then walking the street, getting closer to the flat, she could feel her anxiety taking hold.

Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response.

***

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#Richard Armitage #Spooks #MI5 #Lucas North #Lucas North x OFC #Lucas North x Original Female Character #Writing #Lucas North x OC #Fanfiction #fizzyxcustard

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rosicheeks · 1 year ago

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hi Princess

i hope you are doing well

please tell us a little about your new job with the doggies!

#here are a few pictures from today 🥰🫶#I have SO many pictures now it’s crazy #I should probably go through them cause I’m sure a lot of them are blurry but some are gems I must say #my favorite parts are probably when my yard is quiet and calm for a little bit (usually at night) and I sit down #and usually a bunch of them come rushing over to sit next to me #I can’t tell you how much I love it when a puppy lays on me or sits on my lap #it’s the best 🥰#there are definitely a few challenges to the job but I’m sure I’ll be able to deal #the hard part is it doesn’t give me enough hours and I don’t think it’ll be enough $$ either #so I’m gonna have to find another job which really really sucks #I’m already so exhausted with this one idk how I’m gonna juggle another one on top of it #but I need to figure out a way to get my own car and move out of my parents place #I love my parents so much but why can’t they just let me be me?#my friend literally said it sounds like they’re putting me on a leash and that’s EXACTLY what it feels like #not gonna get into it but it’s been rough lately #life hasn’t been the best so I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately #haven’t replied to anyone in awhile #but thankfully work has been good and I’ve been able to meet some amazing angels 🫶🥰❤️❤️❤️❤️#I just wish it paid better #also gotta figure out a way to wear my headset so it doesn’t trigger my migraines cause that’s been a struggle #really really REALLY hope one day I’m able to get my own puppy but at least for now I get to take care of other dogs 🥰🥰🥰🥰#ask #thanks for asking 🫶

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3amsnek · 2 years ago

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saw your answer about stripe ask and i just want to say for anyone out there: don’t use paypal unless that’s the only option for you.

i made a paypal account and immediately, within a minute of making it, it got permanently limited and after days to contacting paypal they still refused to fix it (saying they can’t reveal why it got limited for their safety) and didn’t let me close my account. basically i can’t use my account and i can’t delete it either so my info will always be stored on paypal, which is ridiculous and not safe.

anyway, like i said, if you have another option besides paypal then use that because paypal sucks. be careful!

^^^^^^ no yeah exactly same hat (og ask)

I have a solid guess on why mine is dead so tiny psa if you’re making a paypal account & have legally changed your name in the past like year before that pls triple check that everything official is as consistent and already changed over as possible and you have new IDs already Before you make the account bc they’ll find one tiny thing that hasn’t fixed itself yet and shut you down for possible identity fraud no matter what you do :)

(also if you feel like you need to have paypal so you have an option for customers who don’t have a card I will once again recommend stripe bc I’ve discovered their direct email invoices allow you to accept bank transfers as a payment method (including internationally) so people can just pay using the online banking account their paypal is linked to without having to go through paypal)

#more than anything they seem to loveeee to break accounts :)#and then ghost you when you send them ids to try to fix it :)#like thanks man glad you have even more of my information now that was soooooo helpful /s #buddy I’m not some carefully organized crime ring im TRANS #I’ve also heard that if you Do manage to delete your p.aypal account it will probably never let you make another one so #I haven’t tried to delete mine bc it’s such a commonly used thing that I feel like I need to keep the option as open as I can #just in case shit changes in like. years.#which Sucks #so if it’s broken and they won’t tell you why trying to just start over will likely only land you in More trouble/fraud suspect from them #so we just get stuck in this stupid position #of them having our info and refusing to let us use their service or properly Stop using their service. wtf man #and the only way they say it can be fixed!! is by giving them more information!!! that they then ignore!!!#anyway. thank u anon for joining my anti-pa.ypal yelling team #for the record none of this frustration is at you at All im just tired & mad at paypal #support beams to you for that stupid website that sucks #snek asks #anon asks à la snek #edit:#ok i will concede that there is One good thing pay.pal has done: apparently it’s how we paid my baby doggo’s adoption fee 7 years ago #but that’s it

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szkicel · 5 months ago

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so like 2 days ago I finally read one of the comics I bought blind a while ago with comics that I was actually looking for.

anyway Rat Queens is just mid, if not below average. I wrote a rant/review about it but before i finished it I realised this title is just not worth it lmao

After I read it I only wanted to start reading Dungeon Meshi so I can read sth actually good tbh and maybe i’ll sit down to do it today kjhkjh

#my posts #rambling #idk why i’m putting it off for later I KNOW I WILL LIKE IT KJHDFKJBD #I’ve been spoiled a lot (that’s how I know this series is such szkicelcore) but i still wanna read it from start to finish #before i dive into anime #bc i’ve heard they’ve changed and cut some things so i wanna see the og first #Anyway if you want a short answer why I didn’t like Rat Queens #basically it suffers from this typical „adult comics” problem where everyone talks the same #and the dialogue feels so stiff and unnatural bc the author prioritizes adult jokes over substance and whether it makes #sense for the characters to actually say it or if it fits the context of the scene #basically what everyone else just calls „h//bin h/tel problem” (it’s actually handled way better than h//bin obv #but it’s still pretty bad)#Other stuff i didn’t like: artstyle is nice but faces are drawn so inconsistently that sometimes i couldn’t tell #that someone was supposed to be a character i’ve already seen #or the resolution of the main plot takes a couple of pages while the real climax is a battle related to some random troll #we’ve seen at the very start of the story (i know that’s the joke; like „haha i bet you thought this troll wasn’t gonna be relevant again”#but i would still rather have a proper resolution to the main plot…and maybe actually a better plot too you know kjhdjbd)#also they neglected my girl Dee - she was my favourite bc her design is cool; she’s an atheist paladin and mostly talks like a normal perso #the atheist-paladin thing is questionable but another character points it out so i guess they have an explanation for it #in the next tomes - but i’m not gonna buy another comic from this series so i will never find out lmao #Another thing that irks me that isn’t related to the comic itself are all the reviews at the back comparing it to LOTR of all things #„It’s like a mix of sex and the city and LOTR haha” „this is LOTR but with sexy ladies” shut up shuuuut uuuuuup #You guys know only one fantasy book series and it shows #if anything this comic is clearly inspired by DnD with all the references they make for rolling the dice etc #but only as a remark from the narrator at the end of every chapter so also not really #Anyway i need to read dungeon meshi dammit

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caelum-in-the-avatarverse · 8 months ago

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Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available.

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community.

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company?

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists.

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits.

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people.

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it.

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

#ao3 #lore.fm #fanfiction #fandom history #gift economy #caelum rambles

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