#so here's me putting it to stupid use lmao
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#yes it's all friends au but it is the dumbest stuff i've written lmao#also i just wanted to make a poll for funsies since i haven't had the option to make a poll for ages#so here's me putting it to stupid use lmao#friends au
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also to build off of this excitement, i would like to announce that according to my husband i have reached gender ambiguity so severe it scares our neighbors. what am i? my voice is mid. my chest is a little chubby but so is the rest of me. i have long hair but its paired with a camo trucker hat. my legs are unshaven but short. i am the boogeyman
#people genuinely and i mean this so fucking fr people genuinely grab their children and bodily put themselves between us#when i walk down the street in our stupid bougie neighborhood#we dont belong here and everyone can tell LOL were in the cheapest most falling apart house in the area#people swerve off sidewalks and walk in the middle of the street to go around me. or run up their porches#and i mean RUN dude. run up their porches and inside. its insane#we thought for the longest time its bc we look like an unidentifiable but definitely faggy couple#but lo told me recently that he doesnt get that reaction at all when hes alone LMAO#'its because they cant figure out what you are. you look really ambiguous like that.'#fucking score
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update on love song event: i am hard at work on remaining requests! so far im planning to complete every one i’ve gotten so far, it just might take me a while bc i’ve been really busy as of late 🙈
#love song event!#kitty rant in the tags incoming→#no one look at me#this is slightly embarrassing for me as i usually don’t get insanely personal on here#esp about my genuine personal issues 😬#i am an unserious person by nature😋#but i’ve been really struggling w my mental health lately?? and it’s been kicking my ass#i have a feeling it’s at least partially rooted in the whiplash of having my writing be publicly viewed#i’ve been writing for like eeeever but i’ve never posted it anywhere#and i finally got up the courage to start putting it out there#and it’s been rlly fun!! i’ve met a lot of great people and had many nice things said about my stuff#generally a very positive experience#unfortunately i have MAD anxiety and overthink everything to death#and the constant like influx of having my inner thoughts viewed by people#makes my head hurt#and my heart race#and it’s made me feel very performative?? and overthink like who am i doing this for#bc it used to be just for me?#and idk where that whimsy and joy has gone#so i’ve been thinking abt taking a step back and like#LMAO like reconnecting w the kitty who likes writing stupid shit in her notes app#bc this constant access to all of this is nawtttt good for me i think#i won’t be gone gone i’ll still be around i just need to give myself some grace yk LMAO n time to recover from this shitty ass week#if ur still here ily hi hello sorry this has been kitty’s inner thoughts and feelings goodbye :)
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anyway i'm (very slowly) working on a lil meme doodle bc it's been in my brain for weeks now
#it looks bad rn. i mean it'll look bad when it's done too but lmao#i'm fixing it up & cleaning it up here and there as i find the energy#but it's v v slow going. i work for like 10 mins before i feel like giving up so i put it aside again lmfao#i also still Do Not have great supplies for this bc my pen doesn't have pressure recognition which is MISERABLE#but it is better than the last one i was using so. i'm muscling through out of sheer determination#and also bc I NEED to get this stupid thing outta my head lmao#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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kind of astounding how innocuous conversations with my younger siblings can make me feel like dogshit... what are the good things about being the oldest kid supposed to be again??
#N posts stuff#two of my siblings are currently in college and they both talk about it in ways that. hm.#my sister did an accelerated program to graduate high school and go to college Early so she's got kind of an...#'i am the most put together teenager on the planet' attitude a lot at the moment. so. she talks shit about her peers like#'if she'd stop spending money on Product and just Grow UP nd get an apartment and move out of her parents' house already'#and she's like. ragging on a kid who's only Maybe 20 years old and i'm sitting at the table at almost 30 still here like '......'#and my brother has been picking my brain lately about the shit i did in college and how the classes benefitted me and all#bc i went to art school for illustration and he's getting a music degree so it makes sense#but he's like 'was college challenging for you?' and i'm like. trying to figure out how to talk around the fact that i didn't necessarily#have trouble with the Classes but was trying really hard to juggle like. being in so much pain i couldn't walk or like..#trying to do homework while in the midst of a psychotic break or having meltdowns in public restaurants like. that kind of stuff#i don't really like talking about that stuff explicitly bc. idk. it doesn't really go anywhere good. not Bad necessarily#or no worse than overhearing my mom talking to them about the validity of my autism DX behind my back at least.#but i don't talk about it. no one really takes me seriously already so. no need to exacerbate that.#i might crack jokes about it in passing but i don't Talk About It. idk what any of them think about like. any of it. or about Me i guess#idk it's weird. it's Weird bc like.. in a very general sense i feel liek i'm Doing Good. not Fantastic but better than i used to.#and like. OK w the day to day of my life; like i could Keep doing it and have A Future even if i still can't figure out what it'd BE exactl#but then idk. sometimes i hear them talk and it feels like it's just. highlighting everything that i Can't do and it just. feels ugly.#like idk where to put it. idk how to reconcile feeling stupid and small for how i live my life with the fact i otherwise feel like#generally pretty Good about my life. i spent my whole life from elementary school to like. 24 thinking i'd be dead by 18.#and it's like Just Recently i'm like 'oh i actually have a Whole Life ahead of me and thats a Good Thing' but.#like idk how to phrase it. i don't feel Bad about it but it's like i guess i'm stuck wondering if i Should be. is it Bad that i'm content?#like i can't ask the question 'is there something wrong with me' in earnest bc Yes there is but. idk#it all feels like puzzle pieces that don't fit together. 'lets see you take a crack at it wise guy' idk what i'm doing or feeling rn lmao
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Authentic Story of the Shining Force - Saint Fencer Max - Chapter 3
Translation notes:
So, uh. Elliot's name is rendered with two t's in the og game, but a single one in the GBA version. I had never paid attention to that at all until I had already edited all these pages, and I don't care enough to change it.
Cain's sword causes an explosion here. In the game, it is indeed capable of summoning flames.
This is a perfect illustration of how I feel about these names, but I do wonder what the actual intention was, since Cain is supposed to be already gone. The original image is even cut off weirdly in the middle of the text, and i don't think it's a problem with the scan, since every scanned page has a black border showing that the paper itself doesn't cut there. I wonder about the production of this thing, but i'll wait until i translate the author's comments before saying more.
The map in the previous chapter was very accurate to the beta map of the game. The smaller map here showing Rindo however looks off, the coast is different, and there seems to be a river directly to the north of Rindo, as opposed to the path to Shade Abbey. Perhaps fitting since Shade is skipped here.
Metaphaluna, huh? Needlessly to say, the country of the gods/Ancients is called only Metapha in the final game. Also, in this panel, it pops up as an alternate reading for 前世紀 (ancient times), not the name of a country specifically. I chose to romanize the last part as "luna" for three reasons. One is that the continent of Rune is actually rendered as Lune in at least two guides. I take romanizations from JP guides with a grain of salt since they sometimes look bad/unnatural, or are inconsistent (Pelle's name for example has been romanized as both Peil or Payle depending on the book). I checked though, and town names however are consistent in both the books I've seen romanizing things. The second reason is that the beta map used at this point has a fairly noticeable crescent moon shaped island right in the middle. In the final game, we can't know exactly where Metapha is, because you only teleport there. But I wonder if this island had something to do with it at some point. The third reason is simply I saw no better reason. Metaphalna and Metapharuna would be just as valid, but don't have any meaning to them.
The biggest equation next to Tao as she explains the magic types is very clearly a E=mc². Look close.
I've retranslated Elliot's scenes from the game thinking it would be relevant to these notes. Now I feel it really isn't, but you get more content so you should be happy.
My main point with that is that Elliot does not say anything about Cain in the game. In the GBA version, Balbazak does try revealing Max, Cain and Darksol's identities before dying, but that's not a thing in the og. So yeah I really translated a bunch of stuff for nothing this time! Except not because Darksol is awesome in that scene and everyone should get to see it.
Now let's talk about Otrant. I have mentioned before that Otrant's gender is never explicitly said, and they speak in a mostly gender neutral way (I feel like there's a few masculine patterns in some lines, but I'm not confident enough to say for certain). What I hadn't noticed is that they also use lipstick in the games, which is probably what sparked these observations to begin with, but i'm uh, occasionally not smart. In any case, if any of these aspects were done at this point in development the artist here sure ignored them, and drew a regular old man who gets called an old man. They hate to see an androgynous boss winning.
I don't recall Otrant's third eye being called "Eye of Truth" anywhere else, but the manual of the game does say it can see the past and the future.
Otrant's naming of the Shining Force is a bit more elaborate here, but the wording is very similar to the actual game.
Finally, let's play spot the cameo!
We've got Gong, Zylo, one of the birds, and probably Anri. Easy.
Here, besides the obvious three who were actually introduced in the story, we again have a bird, Anri between Ken and Hans, Gong to the right, and Mae and Gort behind Luke. If you read the pre-release page you know that Gort was meant to be Mae's servant at some point, so this might be why they're together, or it's just coincidence because they still join around the same time in the final game. More importantly, to Ken's left we have...
Some guys. Who are these. They could be made up by the artist (there will be another case of this), but I find it curious that the artist had to do that when there are so many character to pick from, and he clearly wanted to depict official characters here. For one, there's evidence that Earnest was already designed at that point in development. However, that link also shows that Vankar didn't have a portrait by that time at least, and Vankar would have already joined by this point in the story. So could the bald centaur here be a beta Vankar, or the artist's interpretation of Vankar via unfinished art? Maybe, but just a guess in the end. Mostly I'm just fascinated by how detailed this guy is compared to even Mae and Gort's cameos. The other guy isn't so i don't think about them nearly as much.
#shining series#shining force#saint fencer max#saint fencer max translation#sf cain#sorry i mean 'giga cain'. lmao#this is what i meant when i said i was hysterical about the chapter names btw. how are these real names#also. 'what a stupid face' lol. definitely do not share any genes with this guy or whatever#he is coping#sfm max#god the battle scene is. so bad. now you get what i meant by this thing not engaging the premise right. zero group battle#he's just doing random shonen shit. fellas he's a swordsman not sonic the hedgehog. why is he dodging lasers#sfm tao cantal#in a good manga a villain telling the fire mage 'no matter how strong the flames they can be a force for good'#would be some sort of character moment#don't expect anything of it here though#also the magic thing is infuriating because it's so close to my headcanons but fails the landing into some bizarre anti-science bullshit??#mages are said to be studious everywhere else so to put a line about equations there is just wack. also manarina literally has machines#just make the point about actual environment destruction you dumbass#i wonder how masaki wachi felt on this because the spells in the GBA version often show machines (and blaze 4 is a laser)#but torasu does spout some anti-tech stuff in his HQ lines#still less bad than here tho#sf elliot#you lose something of his character by not showing the fight#but the talk is far more interesting than the game#if you removed his mentions of darksol in pao and used this after the battle i think it would be the best portrayal of him#i think about him a lot. there's the shape of a good character but it never nails the landing to me in any version#though perhaps this is more due to the characters' full acceptance of him than he himself#which is why final conflict again wins by having his own son condemn him#...and then loses again by having lynx be the worst version ever of 'villain is okay because he has Honor' in this series
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ggghhg i hate vehiclessssssss ghghghhghhhhh [dies dies dies forever]
#just me hi#i'm going to get right back to it but i need to complain or i'll turn into a stale loaf of Bread lmao :3👍#so here it is. why's it gotta be so hard hhghfh#okay buildings suck i hate buildings. but also they don't make me want to immediately explode at the merest hint of actually drawing them#vehicles?? Vehicles ???? i am going to just. what if i just put everyone in magical cardboard boxes and did that huh. what is the point !!#i have to draw motorcyclessss and carssssss and i'm okay with bikes to a degree actually <3 and horsessssssss and truckssssssssssss#god forbid you pick an older model with like 20 articles on it cuz most of them are going to only have a side profile and 3/4s view of that#dang thing. which yea sounds manageable 'why is this a problem keeps' i cannot properly see the FRONT#i have to guess?? i have to Guess ???? my dearest wish i think i'm just going to live in the sewers. with the sewer creatures#GGHHHHHHHHHHHH#i am going to practice drawing this stupid thing that i'm going to use for like 7 panels MAX and then i'm going to commit a FOUL crime. lik#rearranging someone's usual playlist without them knowing so they're confused every time they listen to it afterwards#//okay enough of that. we're good hbfhsfh :3#i have done other things today ! i've actually made a rough timeline for pi.e so thaaaat's cool :D#that and found a cool artist to follow on pillowfort. i. forgor their user but they have cool art .w.#/also i'm past the halfway mark on this first chapter which is !!!#i don't want to jinx myself cuz i know i'm really good at that hfhsv - but i think i'll start storyboarding the next part if i can get a#couple more pages done :D#//also the cowboy au grows stronger everyday hhhgfshvbh#i kind of knew some sort of au was inevitable but i did not think it would be an old west one loll :3#still trying to figure out the logistics#i wanna find some good historical fiction from those eras (1860s-70s) but i do not have the brain space for it rn fbhs - so this will do :>#it won't have any of the magic or gods i think bc of that but i'm having fun regardless :D#it Does have some occult though. because i was playing the story for my brother and i Do enjoy scaring him hhbvhfhsfvh#there are devils on the ranch!! or are they devils?? he hasn't gotten that far yet lol :>#//i also may have some sort of weird lean towards the spooky because Somehow each of my stories end up containing some sort of thriller#element?? lmao rip my siblings#but it never happens on purpose. again; rip my siblings hfhhvsh#//oo running out of tag space lol <//3#i shall return. probably with more wip stuff cuz i started like 4 canvases in 2 days hhghghdvs - toodles !!
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you know after growing up w rammstein and it being my main fixation for several years in HS and pretty briefly being in the “fandom” (here actually bc twt wasnt rly a popular site for fandom stuff yet, i rly only remember tumblr and deviantart for that) it makes me rly glad i wasnt into ghost back then lmao
#putting aside everything thats happened surrounding rammstein and till in the past few years#like ppl are obnoxious and rude and say stupid shit to/ abt tobe and the ghouls#but that tends to be a v small fraction and ppl defend them#but this was early early 2010s tumblr before it was known for discussions of minorities and political correctness and whatever#ppl just said ANYTHING and others went along with it#and a lot of it was horrific fatphobia and misogyny brought over from the 2000s since most of the prominent ppl in the fandom here back then#were adults#i specifically seeing so much shit abt richard in particular#ppl acting disgusted w his body bc hed put on weight and had a belly/ bigger arms by the lifad era and was shirtless onstage a lot#which was always crazy given he stands next to till who has ALWAYS been a bigger guy yet indisputably been the most widely adored by fans#and oh my god the way ppl would talk abt their wives/ girlfriends.#even then as a teen inwas SHOCKED by some of that shit lmao#i vividly remember somebody making fun of one of richards exes#i think abt alleged unfaithfulness while touring which i dont know if there was ever any truth behind#i vividly remember somebody saying ‘if inwas married to him id send him on tour with a box of condoms bc its inevitable’#LIKE GIRL WHAT#ppl complained so much and still do abt tumblr being so PC#but this was an absolutely LAWLESS place before then let me tell you#those examples are still on the tamer side for sure#kids today will never know how common it used to be to say you wanted somebody you were attracted to to rape you.#like rape THEM like not ‘i wanna fuck him’ it was ‘i want him to rape me’#ABOUT REAL PEOPLE#it was insane
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#open mick night#attempting to present without comment but i just cannot ignore how stupid 4chan's trans slurs sound LMAO#and how so obvious it is that they're from 4chan when u hear people on here use them#anyway i'm 'thought to not put effort into passing' who want me
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OH about the finale at the shrine, this completely slipped my notice when we were talking about it, but Ichi says he's "reporting" Jo's verdict to both Arakawa and Masato. It's just not translated that way.
Not too big of a difference (well, it is to me, but I'm insane), but if it was highlighting anything, I'd guess it's probably Masato's change of heart. It would've been fair for Ichi to assume Masato wouldn't care and only "report" to Arakawa, but in the context of Ichi doing his damnedest to show Masato they all love him, it works in terms of, "Maybe I made him reconsider, and maybe now he would care."
Also... I'm looking at it in a "measured" way, since the chapter trophies are always just standard "Nth Chapter Cleared" messages that the localization team just spices up for us, but there's something I find really poignant about the Chapter 13 trophy being worded as "Fate of Our Fathers." The pluralization of both the noun and pronoun. Realizations that come too late.
Of course, Masato definitely didn't "know" and had no real reason to suspect it, but the Arakawas have this bizarre subconscious almost-psychic link. So even if he doesn't really think so, there's this sense that Ichi "might as well" be Arakawa's "real" son because they're so much more alike. And maaaybe he felt that way about Jo and himself at one point, because (as we've discussed) there has to be a reason Jo was Masato's "favorite."
[Follow up to this ask]
#snap chats#yeah i have no real notes sorry LMAO LIKE THIS IS GOOD ON ITS OWN YK. every base is covered#LIKE nothing i could say could really enhance anything or add much. god im so bad at words i should drop dead right now#i can reaffirm that masato definitely sees ichi as arakawass 'real' son if his whole 'you remind me of dad' bit is anything to go off of#thats a weird line/sentiment now aint it#masato didnt consider him and ichi as family and ergo he's angry at how similar ichi and arakawa are#i guess that's more of a deep-dive into that hypothetical masato essay ill probably never get to- why masato hates arakawa like he does#about 'fate of /our/ /fathers/' tho thats def an interesting point no matter how you slice it#'our fathers' could refer to arakawa and sawashiro and ichi and masato respectively#i.e. masumi- ichi's bio father and sawashiro- masato's bio father- and what happens to them by the end of the game yk#there's an alt way to see if as both arakawa and sawashiro as both ichi and masato's fathers#though im gonna chewing my cheek on that one. sure we've compared sawashiro to an abusive stepparent#idk... i think it's just cause ichi shows up well into his teens that it doesnt register in my brain that sawashiro could be a father figur#but thats MY personal dumb ass rambling im just here to vaguely try to interpret the title in multiple ways to cover everything#moving on tho... the use of 'our' prevents 'fathers' referring to only one of them . so. Aforementioned Possibilities have been listed#making it sound like i have anything else to say I DONT I ALREADY SAID EVERYTHING dummy. putting myself in the dunce corner#on that note. hopefully it finally got through to masato how much people loved him before he got ganked#i mean for sure it did but yk. still mad about y7 ending im gonna kill someone In Minecraft#'i have nothing else to say' LIAR YOU ARE A LIAR !!!!! THE FUCK ARE THESE TAGS STUPID ASS#anyway im going back to my google doc. im almost done with another cringe fic. sorry#BYE
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Me when I get to work and they make me go dress in the ugly ass bright blue green dentist/janitor core scrubs and take off all my cozy clothes bc they're sending my ass to work on cytotoxics (cancer meds) ....
Bitch they wanted me to wear fucking crocs. Unironically... But I only have my new boots so I dodged the draft today but I'm gonna have to Spend a WHOLE ASS YEAR in this area as part of the residency and it's mandatory and the whole cancer area of the degree and like. The medicines and schemes was one of my least fav and worst graded parts of the entire thing everything is too complicated the names and acronyms are too weird and random and I literally just don't like this part at all and one of the first things the lady said to me bc we were outside the chamber where they prepare shit was even being careful they're like. Still having chronic exposure to stuff there's studies there's traces of it on the desks and phone/pc outside and colleagues who worked in that area for prolonged periods of time some had related health problems and I'm just like. A) I already don't wanna be here B) why would you just say that casually like I don't need any more health problems to be predisposed to but thanks I guess like bro I got this degree bc I just wanted to make fucking skincare tf am I doing here being forced to do this and look ugly doing it oh my goddd 😭😭
#HOW TF AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE IN THESE CONDITIONS I NEVER WANTED THISSS#This is one of my least fav areas i just don't like it at all I was meant to walk around in a lab coat and THAT'S ITTTT#Like come hither bitch let's get u some exposure no thanks I'm good 😍😍#And it's not just ugly the fabric is ass too and it's random ones you get from the laundry#And none of this area makes any sense to me or appeals to me which is also why I didn't like it#Lmao imagine being a goth and having to take off a thousand layers to put on an ugly uniform and get exposed to toxic shit 😍 luv that 😍#Like someone's gotta do it and I respect that shit but it's not me girl#I just know if I had my asks on some bitch would come on calling me self absorbed or vain or whatever girl I don't care#I just want to do things I like in the slightest and aren't dangerous and let me have sled expression ARREST ME OFFICER 😩#That said I barely saw anything and it was boring and they were going too fast and not explaining#But like. They were saying u can't go in the chamber if u have ear problems bc of the neg pressure...#... Here's how my jaw dysfunction that affects my ear and causes a bunch of shit can finally be useful for smth 😼#I didn't mean to rant this was just a one sentence thing but it ✨got out of hand ✨#U might think this is stupid but like. Ik what affects my stupid depressed brain so#wow anna said something#Maybe delete
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#scrubbing eyes yeah I still feel stupid for that WAAUUGH#ok it’s fine it’s fine#it’s funny that ppl compare him to Dimitri cuz yeah my first thought also went to him LMAO#I think it was the fact that the backstory was revealed before any sort of mental snap that threw me off#my memory is hazy but dima was my beloved all those years back he’s truly guy#we are back 2 the usual program. i hope he has the most socially unacceptable psychotic break#I hope he bites and snarls at people teeth claw flesh blood#. actually I think I should just go back to kieran atp#?I need to get back to whatever I was doing a week before. my life got put on hold when 3.0 dropped. uhh#ue 😔 suddenly it feels so dull#I should stop sleeping late. goodnight#for the record I post here more often because I’m just using this as a diary atp so I can copy paste it into my actual diary app#helps w the bridge from private thoughts to more public admissions or smth#I need to stop being a coward
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this assay is so fucking fake......
#same one ive been working on for like 3 months. every other assay ive trained on took me a couple goes to get but ive done this one ~45x#and i keep getting 2 good runs and then 1 fail. which SUCKS bc i need 3 passes in a row to sign off on it#and its so sensitive that changing even tiny things like using a different brand same volume beaker. or a 0.5cm longer flea#anyway i had another 2 good runs this week so this was my 3rd but bc its a friday afternoon im tired as fuck and keep making dumb mistakes#like overstirring it + one of my samples leaked which is soooo embarrassing bc ive already had to ask for more before bc its taken me-#almost 50 fucking attempts already#anyway. hour and a half into prep and im at the most crucial time sensitive part which is pipetting thr enzyme into the substrate#and i manage to do it all w even time spacing (u have to replicate the exact same pace at the end of the timer or it doesnt work)#and then realise id picked up a different identical model pipette that was set to half the volume i was meant to put in FUUUUCK#by that point i was like fuck it im almost 2 hours in and nothing else to do the rest of the day. so ill work around it + see what happens#i figured well its half the volume. so if i add the same half volume again at the 5 minute mark and leave it for 12.5 instead of 10 mins#then itll hydrolyse the substrate to the same degree. IN THEORY in practice this stuff never works bc of error margins etc#bearing in mind this js like 30 seconds of thought bc it took me a couple mins to realise what i did#but the thing abt working in a lab is u make these split second decisions constantly bc everything is so time sensitive#so u have to be quick thinking on ur feet#anyway long story short got to the end of the 3 hour process. which i was carrying out v sloppily bc the chances of it working were-#slim by that point lmao. but lo and behold it was completely fucking fine. all cvs less than 5% and averages <5% of spec#which is awesome bc it means after THREE MONTHS and like. 45x3 whats that AT LEAST 135 HOURS OF FOCUSED TIME ON IT#not counting attempts i gave up on halfway thru bc id alreaady fucked them up bad#i can FINALLY sign off on it lmfao. but im just so mad like why does it play these mind games with me. it shouldnt have worked#whatever chemistry is such a fickle stupid science. anyway wahoo weekend time baby#gorgeous weather here + im gonna get pizza on the way home...... maybe life doesnt suck sometimes 😇#mutuals if ur still at work stay strong soldiers#.diaries
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life update pls are you ditching tumblr
not ditching but also not active, I may pop up here occasionally like i am tonight but that’s about it. Tumblr just isn’t really for me anymore as of right now.
As for an UPDAATE; not a whole whole lot, Ya girl got hitched this year to her bff (obsessed the whole thing was my witchy forest spooky dream), have had so many amazing travel experiences, friendships,etc.
Other than that I’m honestly just really proud of myself, The past 2 years have been crazy and I wish me from 4-6 years ago could really see me now :’) she’d be shocked.
Part of me wishes i could reach out to old people just to hash things out from an older/ new perspective on life(and clear up false things holy shit there’s alot that i’ve learned about),etc. But the past is the past and all I can do is keep growing & healing as a person, and wish the same for them, no matter what animosity may still be there (rightfully so)
That’s all i got! lmao
#me from 3+ years ago literally feels like i’m watching a total stranger??#I wish things could be sorted out and cleared up#There are so many things that are false about both parties#things got extremely out of hand and it should have just been spoken about#but we were young and stupid and still learning how we feel and process everything#we are both guilty for different things#but we both have had false things made up about us to pit us against each other#there is no friendship to be rekindled but there is plenty of closure to be had#T if you see this for whatever reason#i seriously doubt you will but this post will sit here in case there is a time that you for some reason look at my account#You never have and never will deserve the horrible things that have happened and been said to you#I hope you are okay and healing#if you are i am so happy for you#genuinely.#you can be mad and curse me out like you already probably are lmao#just needed to put this out into the universe either way.#we both are guilty but we both had things put out that we said about each other that was completely false.#And ik yk who was definitely trying to spread fake shit and stir the pot lol#If you ever get to the point where you just need someone to vent to#I know i am the ultimate last choice but just know you can reach out to me to talk about anything and I will not bring up the past unless#it’s something you feel like talking about#if you don’t I understand. We are both old now and need to accept that we were both the bad guys in each others story but we were also both#the victim of each others lashing out#be safe and I truly truly hope you are doing well in life. Please stay yourself and always remember your worth Taylor#And thank you for helping me come out of my shell back in highschool. It is something I will genuinely always be grateful for
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