#so he punts the squirrel

[teaandinanity]

I love that so far my impression of romancing Astarion on a Durge in Act 1 is just

Durge: [commits atrocities]

Astarion:

[sneezingisnotnormal]

The Definitive Best Episodes of DnDads

What do I mean by best? These are the episodes that have so many good emotional/hilarious beats that it’s hard to pick out any single moment in it. Every second is iconic. They are in chronological order, but they coincidentally also build from least iconic to most iconic. Spoilers, obviously.

Season 1, Ep. 44: Deck Picks

I think about this episode so much. The literal terror in the air from every which way. The jokes about this being the last episode. Ron literally getting punted out of the story forever. Mr. Moustache weighing the options of getting back his only friend ever or the person he used to be, then completely unrepentantly choosing Scam Likely. Scam Likely then IMMEDIATELY becoming Well Actually. Henry just casually getting a card that makes Lark hate him, literally setting up the ENTIRETY of season 2. Glenn picking a fight with a literal squirrel. Glenn winning AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Glen losing. So. Hard. It’s the ultimate karma episode. Every moment feels predestined. There is nothing that makes a story better than complete and utter chance.

Season 1, Ep. 55: Mark! A Vagrant

Just conceptually, this episode is absolutely perfect. Bringing Ashly in to add to the utter chaos of the Jodie/Glenn dynamic was the PERFECT CHOICE. You have Goliath!Darryl having an identity crisis in the background. You have Will playing Jezball. You have Ashly and Anthony whipping out every embarrassing childhood memory they can think of. And of course, the crème de la crème, you have Glenn and Jodie fighting so hard to get the last word that they can’t even finish the goddamn fight. I swear to god I think about that shit every day.

Season 1, Ep. 56: SWAP (SWitched Ass Papas)

I mean. It’s a body swap episode. Of course I’m going to love it. Everyone’s interpretations of each others characters are so fucking perfect. Will!Ron looking to Beth!Darryl for advice on how to be a better Ron?? Immaculate, no notes. Beth!Darryl being fully just handshake and Catholicism? Hilarious. Matt!Henry basically just having a panic attack the whole time? 10000% accurate. Jimmy!Glenn and Freddie!Jodie sniping at each other every 5 seconds? I love it. One of my fave Beth May lines of all time: “I see the dramatic irony and I stick out my hand and say ‘Hi, I’m Darryl Wilson.’”

And THEN the conversation between Jodie and Dee Snyder. The call from Morgan that Jimmy!Glenn picks up and the pain of Glenn hearing his dead wife alive and well but no longer his wife. All of reality crashing down around these two men. A perfect blend of sad and utterly hilarious.

Season 1, Ep. 61: Death of a Salesman

Ron Stampler my absolute beloved. This is the only episode on this list that isn’t really funny and that’s because Beth May and Anthony Burch can tell a story like no one else oh my god. Going through Ron’s memories to find his anchor was such a clutch move. Starting off with something simple like Willie pushing him into the pool to teach him how to swim. Going on to Ron trying to cook dinner by himself. Then finally doing something good, something that made him worthwhile, only for Willie to walk in the second there’s an accident. Having to give up his dog. And finally, the fishing trip. Older Ron watching his younger self sadly, trying to prod him to do what Willie wants him to do, to not be a fuck-up, even though everyone else can see that it’s not his fault at all. Glenn going back to punch his principal. Finding the anchor in the fishhook, the thing Willie told him was special, that led Willie to trying to kill Ron, falling and dying in the process. It’s so fucking poetic and it makes me cry every time and everything about it is so well done. I could write essays about this episode.

Season 2, Ep. 34: Finding Tori

This is the episode I come back to if I need something to listen to because there’s no slow moment in this episode. It’s bit after bit after bit and I just cackle my way through it. I’m just gonna have to go chronologically through it.

First, the tight fives. Linc earnestly sitting down and over-explaining his favourite funny movie for 5 minutes is actually the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen. Taylor as Austin Powers doing anime themed stand-up to an utterly unimpressed Tori. Will being so fucking mad that he doesn’t get to be Austin Powers. Beth completely misunderstanding the assignment and doing 5 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite standup that’s 90% sexist jokes and 10% “wanna hear my Goofy impression? Gorsh.” Normal getting flustered and just completely ruining his chances with Hermie, who just fully to his face goes “you never loved me.” Anthony putting on full Joker makeup and delivering the BEST Gotham stand up the world has to offer. Tori just completely ripping each of them to shreds. Hermie’s “oh that’s ok I’ll kill myself.”

And like. That feels like a whole episode right? BUT NO. SCAM LIKELY JUST THROWS THEM INTO SPACE WITH A LIMBLESS NICHOLAS.

And now we have such bangers as Scary going insane! The wildest plans you’ve ever heard! ALL OF THE TEENS GETTING MARRIED SO THAT THEY BECOME ONE SOUL AND CAN USE BANISHMENT. The second they go to space it’s just a complete scramble to find a mechanic they could possibly use to get out of this. It’s truly DnD to its MAX, using the tools available to you to think outside the box.

Season 2, Episode 35: Apollo Four Teens

This episode, man. It almost feels like a completely different genre. I literally can’t pick a favourite part.

I mean you have them being forced to navigate their CANONIZED AND LEGAL POLYCULE. Anthony sending them back into space for 12 hours every time they try and say that their marriage isn’t real is maybe my favourite bit of DMing ever. Linc dealing with the episode 2 trauma of having a whole other life with a whole other wife who told him that she never wanted him to remarry???? Literally Matt is the king of random bits of lore that are brought up and resolved within 5 minutes I love it. Terry calling her mom to tell her she’s married is so fucking funny, I love Terry Marlowe. All the conversations about what pet names to call each other and the logistics of potentially opening up their relationship?? I love these guys being forced to seriously handle the consequences of their bullshit, it’s actually beautiful.

And then the fucking love triangle drama?? The Hero/Taylor enemies to lovers suddenly being shattered by Linc just trying his best to wingman for his husband?? Hero forcing Normal into all of this as HER wingman??? Normal pining like crazy over Hermie while Hermie suddenly falls HARD back into his crush on Terry??? And then Hermie offering a thruple to Normal to get him to wingman for HIM??? Peak comedy, someone get Normal therapy, he needs it after this shit.

And then you’ve got their plan to get Red Bull to sponsor them. Fucking insane plan to start with, and then they almost fuck it up just by literally doing the lamest stunts possible. I just can’t these teens are so stupid I love them so much.

Season 2, Ep. 37: Cut My Life into Pizzas

Ok. This is my favorite episode of DnDads. Hard stop. No other thoughts behind it. And that’s because it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me scream. It’s perfect.

First off, the All Star parody. Why did they do that to me. My heart simply cannot take it.

And then you have Terry freaking out, trying to find a way to fix the problem, putting on the hat just to get it out of the way, having all the memories flood back in. And Scary just can’t process what happened. And you get to see in real time as Scary realises that Willie doesn’t actually give a shit about her. And she decides that she CAN’T lose her stepdad. And you get to see in real time as Scary tries to fight back only to find that she’s given all her power to a man that wants to use her as a telephone. And you watch her lose all hope. She leaves her friends. She leaves her stepdad. She joins the kiddads and goes to help them get the final anchor.

The final anchor, which is the garlic knot heart of a pizza king. And it’s that kind of crazy ass piece of this world that makes DnDads the funniest fucking podcast out there. You will never make me laugh as hard as when I’m about to start crying.

And then you have the whole battle of Linc, Taylor, and Normal trying to get up the tower. Linc and Taylor becoming a fighting machine. The absolute insanity of Linc using Taylor’s toes a la ratatouille??? And of course, completely leaving Normal behind, causing Normal to officially snap: “LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE’S FALLING IN LOVE EXCEPT ME.” Deeply hilarious, and also deeply tragic in such a small and painfully familiar way. Meanwhile Scary is trying to find consolation in Sparrow’s stories about Terry Jr. and just feeling worse and worse. The👏emotional 👏turmoil👏

And then they get to the top and it’s a fucking meat door labelled vegans only. Anthony you motherfucker. And Scary just teleports in and rips that man’s heart out and offers it to anyone who can revive her stepdad. And she just completely shuts down when everyone says they can’t because she’ll never get to tell him what he meant to her.

And THEN, AS IF I’M NOT CRYING ENOUGH ALREADY, Linc confronts Grant. This kid who IDOLIZES his dads has to confront his dad and say “you’re doing the wrong thing. You had a choice and you chose wrong. And I can’t forgive you for that.” Grant trying so hard to explain to Linc that he can’t change who he is, only for Linc to say “well you knew you were messed up and you still chose to raise me. You chose to put all this onto me one day.” Jesus Christ. I need a character study on the Wilson’s. They hurt me. So bad.

Honorable Mention: 3.6 A Car is Born

An episode so fucking insane that the least memorable part is Francis getting a FUCKING GUN. The Tony Collette backstory. The moth Jesus. Dewar. I can’t with these idiots

[camels-pen]

our hearts will blend (with a fucking semi)

Summary:

“Y’know I think I can take out my heart and still like. Live.” “That’s nice, Danny.”

Danny proves a point.

—

based on @phantomphangphucker 's prompt "To prove a point, someone (it could even be Danny himself) removes Danny’s heart, and promptly misplaces/loses it." and @kawaiijohn 's prompt "Tucker Foley's terrible, awful, very bad day."

Warning: gore, blood, body horror, mentioned animal death

Ao3 Link | Phight '24 series

“Y’know I think I can take out my heart and still like. Live.”

“That’s nice, Danny.”

There was a grumble. “I can do it.”

“I wasn’t doubting you.” Danny stuck his hand under his shirt. “I WASN’T DOUBTING YOU, DON’T SHOW ME!” Tucker shrieked.

Danny ignored him. There was a loud, wet tearing noise—almost a SQUELCH—followed by a pop and Tucker was covering his eyes and walking away. The sounds of some of the jocks down the hill grew louder as he fled, but he would take jocks over still bleeding hearts any fucking day.

“Tucker, c’mon—Tucker.” It sounded like Danny was jogging after him, but Tucker sped up.

“I can’t believe I have to fucking say this, but I am not hanging out with you until you’re not holding your actual real live heart that is still bleeding in your hands.”

“It’s not even that bad—” There was a squeak, like sneakers on wet grass. It was the middle of a drought. In July. “Seriously, it’s not even that much blood.”

“You’re a liar and a whore and I’m ignoring you.”

“You know that’s pretty racist, Tucker.”

Tucker stopped. Another squeak behind him as Danny too, stopped.

“This is a perfectly normal part of ghost culture and is actually really helpful for keeping happy and healthy. To just dismiss it and say such hurtful things 

“This is a totally normal thing for ghosts—it’s part of our culture and all that. Intangibility, flying, and shapeshifting, that kind of stuff,” Tucker could practically hear him fumbling his heart in one hand as he listed things off on his fingers. “Taking out your organs for fresh air is just another thing on the list of normal ghost things.”

Tucker slowly, oh so slowly, let his hands fall from his eyes.

“Really hurts my feelings to hear that you don’t like a part of my culture, Tuck.”

Tucker turned. Danny had a stupid fucking grin on his face, smug like a cat that caught the canary.

“You’re breaking my heart here.” He held up his hand and Tucker finally got a good look at the bloody, pulsing thing Danny was so proud to show off. His hands were practically painted red, there was so much blood on them and despite the lack of any blood vessels connected to that—oough—fucking thing, it pumped along, happy as a clam.

When presented with such a thing, Tucker did as any average, normal guy would do.

He screamed at the top of his lungs and slapped it away from him as hard as he could.

The heart was flung from Danny’s bloody fingers, soaring in a wide arc down the hill. 

It landed in a patch of grass. Intact, thankfully.

“69! 420! Phantom rules! HIKE!!!” 

A wide, white, untied shoe punted Danny’s heart high into the air, followed by Dash tripping and swearing bloody murder. The wretched, happy thing fell with a distant splat atop the trailer of a parked moving truck. 

“What the hell did I just fucking kick? Where’s the fucking ball?” Dash started to push himself up when he slipped and looked down. “What the—oh my god.” He scrambled away, falling over himself as he made gagging noises.

“Dude, did you just kick a fucking squirrel? Did you pop that thing?” Kwan yelled.

Tucker stared at the scene below a long while before a hand tugged his sleeve. Danny pointed him towards the street. The truck had pulled out of the driveway and was driving innocently down the street.

Danny and Tucker watched it leave, the stupid fucking organ pumping in tune with each bump in the road. Almost as if waving goodbye.

“Hm.”

“Hm.”

The sound of Dash’s gagging and sobs drifted up from below. 

“So,” Danny said, stretching out the word. “I can’t go ghost without that. You think your mom would lend us her car?”

Tucker put his head in his hands. “Dude, you’re fucking heartless.”

“Is that a yes.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Great!” Danny slapped him on the back. Blood immediately seeped through Tucker’s sweatshirt. “Also, I need to borrow your shower.”

[glassjoe]

combining my bg3 nerdism with my punchout obsession

all of them would be monks in some way bc. panching. but theyd be multiclassed and use it during their fight, with the exceptions of glass joe and sandman as i think it makes more sense for them to just be monks as first and last bosses

i made this a while ago and dont remember most of my reasoning for the subclasses. just go with it. OH and i wanted only one for each multiclass, so no repeats.

if i fucked up dnd lore look AWAY im a bg3 and d20 boy im not hardcore

this is super lazy

glass joe- monk (way of mercy)

like i said, hes just a monk with no multiclass since hes the starting/warmup boss. he hasnt got enough exp yet

von kaiser- monk (way of the sun soul) & fighter (battle master)

i mean, with his soldier-y theme, both in appearance and voice, i feel him being a fighter is just the obvious choice. plus it feels like an easy jump from solo monk to fighter-monk

disco kid- monk (way of the shadow) & bard (college of valour)

hes groovin, and his dance theme is more prominent than flamenco's so it feels more appropriate to give it to disco. plus his headphones. enough about bards who play music give me interpretive dance bards

king hippo- monk (way of the ascendant dragon) & wizard (transmutation)

okay king hippo was the last one i chose a multiclass for and wizard was the last free class. ig he could be artificier but wizard felt more regal, like royal wizard. not too much reasoning for this one tho sorry lol

piston hondo- monk (way of the long death) & paladin (devotion)

another one i feel is relatively obvious. hes dedicated to what he does and seems to do nothing but train according to cutscenes. idk what to say hes just. paladin

bear hugger- monk (way of the sun soul) & druid (circle of the land)

i mean dudes best friend is a bear and he brings a squirrel into the ring. hes already a bear in two senses of the word, why not add a third and make it more literal? sure hed love to chill with mrs bear

great tiger- monk (way of the four elements) & sorcerer (wild magic)

i remember my subclass reasoning and it was just. three clones and him in his cutscene equals four. and they seem to have different "elements" associated with each. that said sorcerer feels like The Most obvious choice of the lot. he uses his magic naturally and deftly, but his knockout cutscene betrays a sort of lack of control he may have, so i went with wild magic. i could just as easily see draconic though and give him some cool tiger-like face scales.

don flamenco- monk (way of the open hand) & ranger (beast master)

hes a toreador and punts a bull into space, a class with an advantage over animals is the easy choice. plus based on vibes alone, rangers feel patient and wait for prey like he does in his fight

aran ryan- monk (way of the kensei) & rogue (arcane trickster)

honestly all the rogue subclasseses work with aran but i went with tricksger bc i felt more general. i dont think hed actually kill someone and theif was too specific for the general mayhem he causes. plus hed absolutely use illegal magicks in the ring.

soda popinski- monk (way of the drunken master) & cleric (war domain)

obvious subclass is obvious. cleric bc he heals himself in battle by drinking soda. war domain bc none of the others rlly fitt

bald bull- monk (way of the long death) & barbarian (wildheart)

okay a *lot* of the boxers could be barbarians but i feel like bull is the one with the most obvious "rage" mechanic, being his charge. wildheart bc bull theme

super macho man- monk (way of the astral self) & warlock (the archfiend)

i think smm was another one i did last but him selling his soul to be a rich and famous pro boxer feels fitting. i dont remember my reasoning for his astral subclass but i remember i really liked it so take my word

mr sandman- monk (way of the open hand)

again as i said before, i wanted him to be a "back to basics" sort of fighter. taking what mac should know most intimately and putting him through a ringer of all the typical "monk" things. open hand also feels like the most "basic" but powerful monk Thing so.

also. mac would be a monk but his multiclass would be up to the player, if they multiclassed him at all, and doc would be a way of mercy monk and a knowledge domain cleric, bc hes macs mentor, was a champion so he knows a lot. and heals mac if needed. (also a folk hero. dodnt do backgrounds for other characters but thar u go)

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Vanessa and (plush) Glitchtrap

(based on this post because i thought of more stuff for it and think it’s funny)

Have you ever been bitch slapped by a rabbit stuffed animal? Because Vanessa has

Despite lacking muscles, that little bitch can SWING

It HURTS

Glitchtrap walks around her apartment like he owns the damn place

Vanessa is still forced to call him “Mr. Afton” lmao

“What’s for dinner tonight?” “Soup.” “I don’t want soup.” “YOU CAN’T EAT”

Glitchtrap can, will, and has stabbed Vanessa in the foot whenever he doesn’t get his way

A coworker: omg, Vanessa, why are you limping??

Vanessa: *remembers how her evil stuffed rabbit roommate stuck a knife into her heel because she didn’t lift him onto the counter to see what she was doing (he can literally teleport, he just likes the satisfaction of having her obey)*

Vanessa: oh, i just sprained my ankle!

They sit on the couch and watch shows together

And then argue about what to put on

“I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THOSE STUPID HOME RENOVATION SHOWS” “I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THE NEWS! AND BESIDES, IT’S MY TV!” “YOU ARE MY HOST!” “THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE CHANNEL!”

He’ll sit on her head and pilot her around like in Ratatouille, but instead of pulling on her hair, he just slaps the shit out of her until she does what he wants

Someone: why is your stuffed animal in the corner??

Vanessa: i’m angry at it

Glitchtrap: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOURE UGLY BY NOW HOW ARE YOU STILL GETTING UPSET WHEN I TELL YOU SO

Vanessa is ordered to buy a really big bag so Glitchtrap can sit inside of it when she goes places

Catch Glitchtrap out here in one of these bad boys

She’ll be at the grocery story, and these long yellow rabbit ears will just perk out of her bag because he’s interested in what she’s doing

“You need milk.” “Thanks.” “Yeah.”

He’ll ask her to show him different items so he can inspect them, and it looks so weird because it just seems like she’s holding shit to her bag for no reason

One time, Vanessa was mugged, and when the dude took her bag, Glitchtrap jumped out like a rabid squirrel

Long story short, Vanessa got her bag back

“SHE’S MINE, YOU BITCH!” “YEAH, YOU BITCH!”

While at work pre-night guard job, she’ll put him in the corner of her desk and just talk to him sometimes because she gets bored punching numbers into a keyboard all day

“Idk, sometimes it all feels so futile, you know?” “Why do you think I went into the engineering business? It’s better than this.” “I guess so. But doesn’t engineering take some level of desk job experience? And, besides, it isn’t all just building robots for fun.” “You’ve got me there. You pulled the short stick.”

Whenever Glitchtrap sees a typo in whatever Vanessa is typing, he’ll smack her hands aside with his little paws and start revising it himself

“Are you trying to make us look stupid?? Here, let ME do it.”

Once she gets her night guard job, he’ll sometimes go with her to work and will actively walk around beside her, since it’s not like he’ll be caught

Whenever Vanessa hears an animatronic coming, she punts him away like a football

Freddy: who were you talking to?

Vanessa: what? oh, i had a phone call!

Gltichtrap, at the other side of the room: OW YOU WHORE

Glitchtrap would definitely try to fistfight Mini Music Man

Glitchtrap, to his old body down in the old pizzeria: look at me, Vanessa. this was me in my PRIME!

Vanessa: you in your prime looks a lot like a gross corpse,,

She got smacked real hard for that one

He usually oversees the work on the Burntrap body in this form

By this I mean that he literally sits on her shoulder and makes sure she doesn’t do Anything Wrong

Glitchtrap: i can’t see. put me up high.

Vanessa: *puts Glitchtrap on her shoulder*

Glitchtrap: much better!

This but it’s Vanessa and Glitchtrap

[serenanymph]

how well would your ocs do against a cockroach tag game

rules: yeah that's it. that's the tag. idk if anyone has done this before but rate your ocs by how well they'd do against a cockroach.

gonna be a lil annoying and tag a biiiiit more people sorry lol. no pressure to join in tho!!! and anyone else who wants to can hop in. @lyssa-ink @reneesbooks @macabremoons @space-writes @squarebracket-trick @scribbling-stardust @toribookworm22 @lorenfinch @sapphos-scientist @e-klair @arctic-oceans @sidhewrites @loopyhoopywrites @hallwriteblr @talesofsorrowandofruin @cream-and-tea

(anyway the rest is under the cut bcuz I have a LOT of characters so I'm gonna go a bit insane. Pulling from Beast as always)

Crys: - doesn't bat an eyelash, kills it easily - merciless, 10/10

Icarus: - a lil startled, will jump if it flies at him, but manages to catch it and set it free outside - 8/10. this boi is too good for this world

Rhyme: - begins by trying to smash it to a pulp - rapidly gets more and more irritated when she keeps on missing - finally lets out a primal scream of rage and fireballs it - 6/10 because she nearly burns down the house

Sol: - lets out an undignified squeak - leaves the room - if it flies at him he's sprinting out of there - 3/10

Dahlia - rolls up a newspaper and whacks it a few times?? like a normal person??? - 9/10

Beatriz: - faints - poor bbg can't handle the terror - 0/10 - alternatively shoots her feathers and skillfully punts it out the window - so overall actually 5/10

Honorary mentions

Iri and Yuan: - incoherent screeching - KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE - both trying to get behind the other - so many feathers embedded in the floor. so many - Iri scales up Yuan's back and stays there on his shoulders like an overgrown squirrel - 0/10

Jorge and Jordan - they catch it - and store it with their dozen other cockroaches used to prank people - 10/10, but I'm docking points for the malicious intent

[mycurrentobsessionis]

BG3 from someone who has no idea what's happening.

Gonna have to be honest. I have no idea what the plot of BG3 is and I don't have new Xbox-and-Baldurs-Gate money so I'm not gonna find out. But from what I have gathered:

The main character is named Tav and they have tadpoles in their brains. this is very gross. They can get more? why?

Astarion is some sort of bitchy old queen who tries to stab Tav and then Tav befriends him.

Astarion has a a thing for a guy named Wyll.

Wyll will attempt to seduce Tav by doing a jig.

There is a woman who is on fire. Is she romanceable? I will not know until 2025.

The camp cook is named Gale. Astarion wants to jump him? Either sexually or violently. Unclear.

Tav enjoys tormenting Gale by making him make dinner out of wine and garbage. Gale has no choice but to comply.

There is a bear involved. Somewhere??

The entire party is glamping, except for Tav, who camps survivalist style. Whether Tav is aware of this is unclear.

Apparently everyone is excited about customizing their genitals.

You can punt a squirrel but all of your friends make fun of you for it.

Astarion, who appears to be the White Boy of the Month, is Sad because he does Evil Things. Have read many interesting character analyses but I lack Context for this. Oh, and you can either Fix Him or Make Him Worse.

This game is going to be the new Twilight for me, I think. I understand nothing and only interact with random thinkpieces on the fringe of it.

[starlingsrps]

time stood still.

colin isn’t sure if he lost moira or if she lost him but when he returns from the smoking room, she’s nowhere near the potted palm he left her parked at.

if their mother found out, it’s 50/50 on who would hit the floor first so mustering whatever is left of his sobriety, he takes on the winding rooms of the verney manse to track her down. moira is unlikely to get into much trouble at a society party but she’s also not unlikely to get bored and find or create some. best to hedge his bets and find her before any of that. it’s not as though spending the season escorting moira has been much of a trial, physically or intellectually. most of his official duties have been limited to scowling effectively and keeping her away from americans. moira usually shoos him away at some point so he’ll leave her to her friends and he’s always grateful for the dismissal - when it’s agreed upon.

she’s not on the dance floor (probably for the best, as there are enough americans here to make their mother faint in outrage). nor is she on a balcony (also for the best because, again, americans) or crept into the smoking room. he asks someone to report if she’s in the loo or the retiring room but no one who looks a bit like him in a wig and a dress is in there. rapidly sobering, he rushes down another hallway with every intention to do a second lap when he hears moira’s distinct laugh coming from the library. he hadn’t thought of the library. moira doesn’t read, has said since she was a child that the letters dance around the page and it’s not worth the trouble. but, as a place to squirrel herself away, it is perfect. he just hopes it’s not with some potential suitor - the family dueling pistols haven’t been used in a century and are back home in cadder. fortunately, she’s curled on a sofa with a friend, both of them howling with laughter.

“moira,” he says as sternly as he can muster. “this isn’t the plant i told you to stay by.”

she stops laughing abruptly and shrugs. “i got bored and then ran into ginny.”

“you know you’re not supposed to be off on your own at these things.”

“oh, thank you, mother, i didn’t realize. besides, i’m not alone. ginny is here. ginny, my brother colin stirling. colin, ginny bell.” she waves her hand from ginny to him, him to ginny in introduction as she sips her drink. “gin’s a girton girl so you two can be brainy together.”

colin smothers a sigh, though he’s used to moira’s claws. in truth, they’re about as weak as a kitten’s. “ignore her,” he says, offering ginny a hand to shake. “i usually do.”

she laughs and something roots inside him. he’s seen ample beautiful girls but ginny from girton outpaces them all - pretty in a polished, english rose way, perched on the settee next to moira in a swirl of pale pink satin. her face is angelic but she has clever, watchful eyes that look as though she doesn’t miss a single trick. when she shakes his hand, it’s not the soft, fleeting shake of a debutante but a full press. there’s also a fat diamond on her left hand. lovely, clever girls aren’t thick on the ground in mayfair - of course she’s been snapped up already.

“it’s a pleasure to meet you,” she says diplomatically. “moira always talks about her brothers. good to put a face to the name.”

“whatever’s she said is a lie, unless it’s good and then it’s true.”

ginny laughs again. “are you also still at cambridge then?”

he’s never regretted graduating more. “i finished last year. trinity.”

“ah. my fiance was st. john’s.”

“my condolences,” he says, assuming that she knows the rivalry between trinity and st. john’s. god knows that he does, having participated in a few pranks that ranged from harmless to borderline theft (if punts even counted). “and who is the lucky swain?”

she twists the ring around her finger, whether conscious or not. “clayton mandeville, if you’re familiar with the name.”

oh, he’s familiar with clayton mandeville. the harrow crowd isn’t so large that he doesn’t remember every single horse’s ass he met there. some of those horse’s asses are now among his best friends now. mandeville isn’t one of them. there isn’t a particular reason, no hazing or usual boarding school nonsense - only that mandeville was an ass kissing bootlicker who always rubbed colin the wrong way. he’d been friends with james and, since colin always thought of james in similar terms, that was damning enough.

he knows he can’t offer condolences in this case, however joking and manages to grind out a congratulations. there’s a heavy tread of footsteps in the hall outside and colin regrets ever starting this conversation because of course it’s mandeville. it’s not enough that he had to chaperone moira to this party or that the most beautiful and clever girl he’s met in months is engaged: he needs mandeville as a grand finale.

“stirling, old man,” he booms, somehow managing to slap colin on the back and pump his hand at the same time. “gin-gin, what are you doing hanging around this old boot?”

colin wrenches his hand free as politely as he can. “mandeville,” he grunts in greeting. “i’m escorting moira for the -“

“i say, is jicks about?”

jicks, colin remembers with a shudder. that’s right, james was in the club enough for a terrible nickname. colin was not, a fact he thanked god for every damn day. ginny apparently is not as lucky. moira had called her gin with a soft g, as in her favorite drink. mandeville had said gin-gin with a hard g, making her sound like a pampered pekingese, making her not only beautiful but patient as a saint.

moira, who has been forcing down a giggle this entire time, finally jumps in. “i don’t know a jicks but james is at a shooting party.” she sips her martini slowly and gives him a dagger sharp smile. “colin is my escort for the season.”

“stirling and i were at harrow, gin-gin,” he explains. her eyebrows arch but her smile stays polite. “he’s jicks’ baby brother.”

“yes, we were all among the harrowed.”

“harrovians,” mandeville corrects. “come now, stirling. you can’t have forgotten already.”

“i always preferred the harrowed.” colin says and ginny laughs, quickly smothering it with a sip from her champagne flute. “more apt.”

mandeville smiles, looking baffled and smug at the same time. colin itches to throw a punch but reminds himself that lady verney prizes her antique carpets and he’s probably too old to be throwing whisky fueled punches at a society party. “i don’t see what you mean,” he says finally. “everyone had a jolly time, seems to me.”

“perhaps,” colin responds, itching for either a drink in his hand, an exit, or that punch.

“colin didn’t get a nickname at school,” moira adds. “that’s why he’s so crabby about it.”

“we tried corker,” mandeville says. “didn’t take.”

“because my name is colin, not corker.” no, it’s absolutely time for that drink now. “moira, i’ll be in the smoking room. please don’t scandalize the family.”

she shoots him a sharp, mocking salute.

“and a pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss bell. i hope to see you more this season.”

he doesn’t both to address mandeville on the way out.

[iflailfic]

@astarions-cherry-juice-box Ever heard "Cool motive, still murder?"

Regardless of his reasons, Astarion does commit harm. He literally approves of killing a squirrel by punting it against a tree—he revels in an instance of animal cruelty. Is that a trauma response, too? Is that excusable? And if finding animal cruelty fun isn't a trauma response, well, that's still not a very nice thing for someone to approve of, is it? You might even say it's "bad." You cannot reasonably connote harming others positively, and at the absolute best, trauma is an explanation for Astarion's actions. It in no way justifies them.

"No amount of trauma exempts a traumatized person from being held accountable for hurting others, [and] to utilize trauma as an excuse for harmful behavior avoids responsibility for one’s actions." - Read more about this here.

This leads us to the crux of this thread: You're not mad that @autistichalsin said Astarion was a "bad person" (which, again, never happened. @autistichalsin only commented on a difference in characterization); you're mad because the mere suggestion that Astarion might be anything but a Cinnamon Roll™ made you feel cognitive dissonance, and you don't have any real grounds on which to defend him. Your own interpretation of the original post is what you find upsetting.

So you latched onto the context—trauma—and used it to create a straw man argument to try to undermine anyone who dared to make you think about the fact that, actually, Astarion might not be a very nice guy; to make it so that anyone who implies Astarion has done anything wrong ever in his life is in the wrong, because it means they're holding his trauma against him, and that would be inexcusable, right? But here's the thing: That's not what's happening. You can't make it that black and white.

No one is saying he can't heal. No one is saying he can't make better choices. No one is saying he's incapable of caring for others. And, most importantly, no one is saying his trauma makes him a bad person. But using his trauma to excuse his choices as "uncontrollable" not only perpetuates the dangerous idea that trauma is a fair justification for abuse, it's nothing less than an injustice to both Astarion and anyone who has gone through trauma and made the choice not to hurt others.

Just some food for thought.

Astarion's response to his trauma being "I was hurt so why should I care if anyone else is hurt" while Halsin's is "I was hurt so I will make sure no one else is ever hurt again" is just chef's kiss

[felswritingfire]

(Hades) Gods x Shade! Reader

No matter how much you try, mortality will always catch up to those who are not of gods. Even the most blinded of them learn this eventually. You take your death with grace, choosing to go and explore this new world as soon as Lord Hades permits you to go, impressed by how little you complain and demand. You are one of the brighter parts of his day (night?).

You drift along, catching certain snippets of other Shade’s conversations as you wander aimlessly. You notice a crack in the wall; deciding to muster up your courage, you slip through it to find yourself in the glowing green torches of Tartarus. With what little you have, you hold it close to your translucent body and push forward.

You’re quick to notice the large glowing ball with an oddly familiar symbol floating in the middle of it. You take your time circling it, feeling compelled to touch it. When you do, a beam of light comes slicing through the dreary air to reveal a mighty god who stares down at you at your shocked form...

Zues

Cause of Death: Lightning Strike

Zues is confused when he sees you. He’s even more confused when you start screaming at him, waving your hands about and threatening to fight him yourself.

“You fucker! You killed me!”

He raises a brow. “I think I’d remember if I killed you.” You flipped up your middle finger at him and his eyebrows drew into an angry v. “How rude! I am the God of Gods-”

“I don’t care!”

Zagreus had to high tail it to you before Zues tried to smite you (possibly a second time).

Suffice to say you hoped you’d never bump into that boon again. And you didn’t. No, the God of Gods and Lightning himself decided that he’d have to make a house call himself (Hades was not pleased when a bolt of lightning came crashing down and left a scorched black ring in the carpet).

He picks you out quickly and you try to zoom out of the lobby until he catches you by the back of your robe and then you’re swinging and yelling profanities at him. He’s kinda amused now instead of angry- you’re just so weak and tiny compared to him. It’s hysterical- ow! Did you just bite him?

After you and Zues finish your little “spitting match”- Hades kicks Zeus out and you're forced to hang out in Tartarus for a bit (“but I���m just a simple fisherfolk! I can’t fight anything!” You cry, Hades does not spare you a look as you're dragged out by Meg).

You think maybe that’s the end until you’re approached by a… a squirrel? You almost punt it when his voice spills out as he shoots into a long prattle about how much of a jerk Hades was and how he couldn’t handle someone as grandiose as him appearing before him. Threatened him as a god or something- you were busy trying to figure out how you were going to kill this guy and make sure he stayed dead.

Turns out, after the two of you chattered (argued) a bit about whether or not he actually killed you, Zeus had some neat stories about the gods.

While you were interested in his children’s and brothers’ and sisters’ stories, he was interested in your stories of the mundane. A simple fisherfolk? That was a word? You just fished and traded? Amazing! Tell him more!

After this particular interaction between the two of you, Zeus really ended liking you. Maybe a little too much, but, aw well, it wasn’t everyday a mortal soul had the balls to argue with him for something he doesn’t remember doing (he probably did. Probably. Most likely). He swore that he’d come and see you everyday as he sat on your shoulder as a squirrel, going on and on about how you should feel blessed to be praised by one such as he. You were about to throw him until a giant hand came out and grabbed him (seemed you drifted too close to Lord Hades’ desk), the hulking god flinging him out of a portal.

He continues to pop up and bother you and, to be honest, he’s kinda growing on you. Also, I’m gonna be frank and lay it out that, if he likes you enough, he’s probs gonna want to smash, especially if you lean more towards the feminine side (he’s fucking AWFUL). It’s up to you if you wanna indulge that or not, I don’t recommend it, but you can if you really want to.

We’re going with the option you don’t smash- he’ll be salty at you for a whole ass day before he comes back the one after that as a rat (Hades kept finding out his forms that he used to sneak in so it was an ever constant menagerie of appearances to keep up the disguise) and is like: “I thought you would miss me too much so I came back before you could even complain.”

Zag likes to watch the two of you interact because he finds it absolutely fascinating. It’s like watching… He doesn’t know what it’s like but he’s having a blast as you roast his uncle to bits. It really helps him out when he’s feeling a bit down after failing getting out one too many times.

When you first get Zeus an Ambrosia, he thinks it’s poison and then he gets all prideful because of course you would give him an offering, he was the strongest of all the gods! Him and him alone!

“Silly, mortal, you cannot poison me! I am a god.”

You squint your eyes at him before you huff and pull the bottle closer to you. “Fine, whatever, I’ll just give it to Zagreus- or better yet, Hades if you don’t want it.”

“No! No! I want it! Give it to me! It’s mine!”

During this time, he’s actually experiencing some purer emotions in life- he’s genuinely giddy that you got him the Ambrosia and asks how you got it. You hold up a makeshift fishing rod and grin at him, telling him you snatched it from some nasty shades before you wandered back down to Tartarus.

His gift to you is a little lightning pin that, when you're in danger, will send a nasty bolt of lightning down on your enemies. You wonder what good it’ll do since you’re dead already, but shrug and accept it, thinking that he looks years younger and friendler when his smile isn’t packed full of ego and pride.

Poseidon

Cause of Death: Drowning

Poseidon, Lord of the Oceans, Earthquakes, and many other things, is simply- how do you say? Amused? It’s the best way to describe it at least. Of course he was mostly surprised when he appeared expecting the Little Hades to be waiting for him just to meet a Little Shade in his place.

“Why, hello there, Little Shade! You wouldn’t happen to know where the Little Hades is, would you?”

You shake your head, he doesn’t miss the way you nervously play with your hands, drifting back as some of his droplets float close to you.

He laughs at your simple reply. “Shy one aren’t you?” He leans closer to you, squinting and running a hand through his beard while he hummed.

You fight the urge to take a step back, the smell of salt water making your stomach churn.

His eyes flutter shut as he takes a deep breath. He takes a moment before he opens his eyes again and a look of understanding flashes across his eyes. “You drowned. Didn’t you?”

You stare up at him, eyes round and glassy. You nod.

Before your conversation can go any further, Zagreus comes running through the window, surprised to see his Uncle talking to a Shade (you look so scared- he hopes that you aren’t being bullied). You’re quick to take your leave bowing to both and passing the boon to the Prince before you scurry away into the cover of the other Shades.

He hums to himself, a cryptid smile on his face as his eyes follow after you. Such a strange little thing you were- he wouldn’t mind seeing you again.

It takes a bit, but he does happen to see you again, by peaking through a fountain in a fountain room in the Underworld. He spies you trying to poke at the water that he happened to choose, but jumping back each time. You face scrunched up into one of pure frustration. He asks if you’re doing alright there, Little Shade? Causing you to flash out of existence for a moment before settling back down and looking into the pool with wide eyes. Posiedon almost busts a gut with how hard he’s laughing and you huff telling him that it wasn’t funny.

He says otherwise, but asks what you’re doing. When your face bursts into a large blush you mumble something that he doesn’t quite catch and he’s left with more questions than answers as you take the chance to phase out of the chamber when Zag walks in and steals his Uncle’s attention for a split second. He furrows his brow before asking his nephew about you, which Zag, surprisingly, supplies rather quickly, seeing as the two of you talk a lot: apparently you’re deathly afraid of water after you were thrown into the ocean by your supposed best friend. The memories of the waves crushing you deeper and deeper beneath them sticking with you even in death. So, you were trying to curb that phobia. Posiedon nods, letting the words sink in before he offers the Little Hades a thumbs up and says he’ll help with that.

The next time you see the god, he’s eager to call you over and explain that he’s figured out what you were doing last time and offers to let you mess with some of the drops of water that follow him wherever he goes. You stare at them, eyebrows furrowed and looking just as sick as a shade could look. Yet, you still nod your head and hold out a shaky hand. He smiles at you, praising you for your courage and flicks one towards you; it floats gently before it rests serenely on your palm, allowing you to feel the cool sensation of the droplet. You marvel at it, still shaking with an anxiety before you nod. He pulls it away, it shoots back to rest next to his head and you thank him for going out of his way to help you and ease your fears.

He remarks that you should fear the water out of respect: it’s unpredictable, terrifying in it’s own right- vast and, seemingly, never ending, what could possibly be more terrifying than the unknown, hm? He continues to say that you should also hold onto a bit of bravery at the very least, for untold treasures come from there for those who look.

After that conversation, Poseidon makes it a habit of having you hold onto his droplets of water, making them slightly bigger each time for you to get used to them.

By the time you’re able to touch them freely without experiencing crippling fear- the droplets are almost the size of you. Poseidon praises you the more you grow out of your fear.

You do eventually open up to him about how you died and he never tells you that he already knew. Just allows you to talk in a soft voice as you recall it. It’s a nice bonding experience for the both of you and Posideon decides that you’re his favorite Shade and he’ll treasure you for as long as you exist.

The first time you get him a bottle of Ambrosia, you come to him shivering and sopping wet. He’s confused and concerned as he hovers to you.

“What happened to you, Little Shade? Are you alright?”

It takes you a moment to be able to speak. “I- I found a bottle of Ambrosia. I thought-” you take a deep breath, holding out the bottle with both hands- “I thought you’d like it.”

It’s one of his prized possessions now, he takes little sips of it once in a while, but other than that it remains as one of his most precious memories. He’s very attached to you at this point and you’ll forever have his blessing. His gift to you, aside from the undying loyalty, is a shell necklace, if you ever need him- you only need to whisper his name to it and he’ll appear in an instant.

Athena

Cause of Death: Exhaustion

Athena had been prepared to meet with Zagreus- not a curious shade staring back up at her with all the relevance of one of her worshippers.

“What business do you have with me?”

She raises her brow at your gobsmacked expression, watching as you screw your face up before bowing. “Apologies, m’lady, I only happened to bump into your…” you look at where it glows, furrowing your eyebrow, “your orb?”

“Boon.”

You nod your head in understanding before bowing your head again. “Again, my sincerest apologies.”

Luckily, she didn’t smite you, instead asking the question of how you were even talking to her. Getting a shrug from you, you say that maybe it’s because you worshipped her (unofficially, you were never able to make it up to her shrine much to your disappointment) when you were alive- maybe a deeper bond is there compared to someone who had never prayed to her for her protection and guidance.

When she hears this, she’s very interested, pressing you to elaborate further when the Young Prince comes jogging out of the glowing window, waving to you. You slink away, passing the boon to him and bowing to her once again before you disappear into the mass of Shades that choose to wander their new home as well.

After the conversation, you had caught the Goddess’ attention, planting a desire in her to see you again. Even going as far as to write a letter to ask her uncle for a council with you after a week passed of her placing her boon in Tartarus so that maybe you would drift too close to it once again. But each time only the little prince would find them (which she was fine with, but it still left such an unflattering taste of defeat on her tongue each time it wasn’t you). She figured it would be a moot point to send the letter, but it was worth a try.

But she decided to place her boon down once more before she sent it out. Just to try. And this time it worked.

You were the one she saw and she was absolutely delighted- not that she showed it, choosing to keep her stoic and sharp expression. You greet her in a similar way before: awed before bowing your head to her. You continue to go on about how you're happy to see her again and, despite how little you had been buried with, you hoped that she would take this- a broken sword, despite the worn hilt and the deep scars the littered what was left of the flat of the balde; it was still polished (at least what was left of it)- as a proper offering to her for all she had done in your life- even if it truly wasn’t all her doings.

She takes the sword in her hand, holding it high, her eyes shining as she studies it: truly, it was a warrior’s blade. She watches as the history and memories flash in the smooth iron. She remarks that it is a remarkable offering, but she cannot accept it. It feels wrong taking a weapon of a warrior such as yourself.

You smile as her, shaking your head, urging her to take it, for you didn’t need that blade in this afterlife. You had already fought your battles, killing the man who you had been battling with and quelling the rage that had followed you since you were a child for revenge. Eventually, dying from the strain of the fight with a feeling of contentedness.

Athena raises her brow, remarking how that sounded more along the lines of Ares rather than her.

You nod, but say that you couldn’t help but desire her help for she was the goddess attached to your favorite animal. She had to fight the urge to laugh, a shaky smile slipping through as she nods at you. Such a silly thing you are. She decides that she’ll take the sword as a reminder of you, no matter where you should go now. She also decides that you were forming a rather soft cradle in her heart.

After this, she is quick to ask Zagreus about you every chance she gets- not that he minds too much, he tells her about how you’ve been helping him train and you’ve even told him about your life when you were alive (“a general, can you believe that? They’re so young!” Zagreus says as he shows her the new move you taught him). She’s only the slightest bit miffed at hearing that you and Achilles have begun to form a sweet friendship. She’s pleased to hear that his father has been trying to barter with you to get you into Elysium, though she’s a tad confused on the reason you refuse to.

She asks you about it one day and you say that it would take longer to see her and you would prefer to avoid that. It was the only time the goddess has ever had to fight down a blush.

When you get her a bottle of Ambrosia, she’s in pure awe at the huge bottle.

“How did you get one this big?”

You lean against the new sword you managed to get your hands on- something simple and obviously used- you offer her a lopsided grin. “Well, not just any Ambrosia would work, so I decided to try my luck with Lord Theseus and, The Great Bull, Asterius. Took me a couple of tries but I managed to beat them and snag it.”

Athena smiles warmly at it, telling you that she’ll treasure it and think of you every time she takes a drink of it. She realizes in that moment just how important you had become to her, never feeling this… soft for a mortal soul in her life. Her gift to you is a shield and a new sword: the shield bares her symbol of an owl while the sword was ornate with a divine glow. She promises that no matter what they’ll protect you and so will she, you only need to call out her name.

Aphrodite

Cause of Death: A Broken Heart

When the Goddess of Love first sees you- she thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous (of course not as gorgeous as her). The sad look in your eye and the slight frown that rests on your lips makes her almost fall in love right then and there.

“Hello, little one- do you know where the little godling is?”

You shake your head. “I’m sorry, Lady Aphrodite. I know not where he is.”

She raises her brows, a smile on her face. “How did you know I was Aphrodite, my dear?”

You look up at her, a sudden glint in your eyes has her yearning to see it once again. “No one else could be so breathtaking, my Lady.”

Oh. Oh, she likes you.

She chooses to chatter away with you- despite you mostly listening, adding little things here and there, she feels a strange sense of fullness, like she just ate a full and warm meal for the first time in a very long time, by the time Zagreus arrives. You bid your farewell and she can’t help but follow you with her gaze as your transparent form blends in with the other Shades.

Aphrodite is thrilled the next time she runs into you- or rather you run into her boon. She missed the melancholy look in your eyes, she also doesn’t miss the fact that you’ve come bearing gifts this time: an assortment of colorful flowers rests in your arms and you offer it to her. That glint coming and going like a shooting star as she accepts the offering, holding it up to her nose to take in their sweet scent. How sweet were you to hand her something so delicate.

She asks you where you got them and you remark that you made your way up to Elysium. She’s surprised to hear as such- you didn’t seem like the warrior type. You shake your head, your eyes sweeping low. You weren’t a warrior, far from it- a simple florist if anything. You just drifted until you made it up there and plucked some flowers to make bouquets. You mumble that maybe you’ll be more useful in death.

She tilts her head at the comment, beginning to ask until Zagreus is jogging up to the both of you and it was time for you to leave. She’s a tad annoyed, but reminds herself that the little godling didn’t know- simply trying to break out of this dreary place he calls home and see Olympus in all its glory. She’ll just ask next time.

You gave her another bouquet, this one more beautiful than the last, when she gets the chance to ask you her question. Your eyes pool with a mournful look as you gaze up at her, your hand resting over the place where your heart used to beat as you look to the ground. You explain that you were young when you were wed- just as you were young when you died. You were married off to someone you did not love- someone awful, vile, who beat you down daily just to build you back up so they could laugh when they toppled you over once again. You remark about how you could feel yourself dying little by little, your delicate heart bleeding as your want for life began to dwindle away. You grew sick and you would sit by the window day in and day out, staring out and wondering what your life could have been if you were married to someone you loved. A ghost of a smile blooms on your lips as you look up at her, that glint she oh-so loved twinkling in your eye as you say that you did not die in as much loneliness and pain as you could have; having been making a bouquet dedicated just to her love and sweetness: your Lady Aphrodite who you love, ever so much.

She’s shocked when she realizes the tears that drip down her cheeks, her hand coming to caress your cheek (really your head, she was hulking compared to your small form) with her fingertips. She comments that she would accept every bouquet you made and treasure each flower like it was the one you made for her with your last breaths in the living world.

After that interaction, she comes down a lot more, asking Zagreus if he could bring along her darling florist so that she could talk to you. He always obliges, loving to see the two of you chatter about (well, her chatter about, you usually just listened with a smile on your face as you used the flowers you had plucked into flower crowns for him and Lady Aphrodite). You two become a sort of comfort for him when he’s getting frustrated: seeing your usually melancholy demeanor light up as soon as the goddess appears and in turn the goddess becomes something less vain and more gentle as she speaks to you.

At some point, you’ll probably meet Ares himself- the two never that far from each other, also she adores you, so it only makes sense for you to meet him. He’s honestly a tad unimpressed when you first meet, but when he hears about the heart ache you faced he gains a sense of respect for you, remarking that love is a battle in and of itself and you fought valiantly to keep your ability to love freely (Aphrodite might convince you to have a threesome, I’m not gonna lie, she’s attracted to you on a deep level and she has her trysts with Ares- it’s perfect in her eyes. Though she won’t push you if you don’t desire it).

When you first get her Ambrosia, she’s flabbergasted before it turns into worry for how you got it and the potential danger you were in.

She takes the bottle of gold liquid and the flowers that you had so carefully arranged. Her attention, though, is focused on the said bottle of Ambrosia. “My Darling Florist, how did you get this?” Before you can answer she shoots into a flurry of questions. “Are you alright? Did anything catch you? Hurt you? You don’t seem hurt. Oooh-” she puffs her cheeks out, her gaze sharp- “why did you get me this? It’s dangerous!”

You wait for her to calm down. “I apologize for making you worry, but I simply snuck around and grabbed it from some witches- they didn’t even notice me. And I-” you tap your fingers together, a blush blooming across your face as you look away from the goddess and she decides that she craves seeing that expression on you again- “I thought that you deserved it. It’s a much better offering than my silly bouquets.”

Well, aside from the ‘silly bouquets’ comment (which she corrects you on very quickly), she’s absolutely flattered and it might be the final nail in the coffin that has her falling for you, the little shade in front of her. She decides that you hold a piece of her heart in your translucent hands, though she chooses to keep that information to herself.

Her gift to you is a hairpin that matches hers, though if you don’t have enough hair- she says, you can always pin it to your robe. It’s a blatant claim on her part, but it also helps ease the residual heartache that followed you into death. And, hopefully (a personal hope of her), each time you look at it, you’d fall deeper and deeper in love with her as well.

Artemis

Cause of Death: Arrow to the Heart

She’s confused when she sees you, quick to voice her confusion as well. Also depending on if you're more feminine or masculine (and I don’t mean woman or man, I just mean how you present yourself), she will treat you differently depending. So, for now, we’re gonna go with the more “feminine” option:

“Who’re you?”

You bow. “An honor to meet you, Lady Artemis, I seem to have bumped into that orb on accident. Wasn’t sure what it did and the curiosity got the better of me.”

She hums, she perks when she notices your bow. “You’re a hunter?”

You smile, holding it out to her. “Yes, indeed, my Lady- I prayed to you a lot.” You laughed, adding. “Hoped to join your hunters when I was young.”

She’s quite happy to hear that and begins to chatter along with you. For some reason feeling oddly at ease around you. It’s probably because you were a fellow hunter but she simply can’t help the way she grows an odd sort of… adoration? Something like that, she thinks- for you. She almost laments the fact when Zagreus comes to get the boon.

You nod to him, biding your farewell to the Goddess and passing the boon to the Prince. She doesn’t miss how Zagreus’ eyes shine as you walk away. She almost comments on it but bites her tongue, wanting to observe the prince and the dreamy look that drifts over his features, even as you disappear.

The next time the two of you meet, she asks if she can see you in action. You agree and search up ahead to find something to demonstrate your skills on. You’re quick to find a few Numbskulls. She watches as you take a deep breath, your eyes narrowing on your unassuming targets and your footsteps become silent as you skirt closer to them. You nock an arrow, never looking away. Her eyes gleam with thrumming adrenaline at the way the muscles in your arms tense as you draw the string back. The low groan of the wood barely above a whisper as you wait for them to line up. You hold your breath, releasing the arrow- it goes through all three of them, making them break into dust in a consecutive line, a harrowing scream being wretched from them as they fade from existence. You release the breath you were holding and stand, sending a smile to the young goddess whose eyes shine with stars.

She praises you for your amazing skill and sings of your prowess. You shake your head, looking down at the ground as you argued that you were but a simple bow folk in your living life. Nothing more, nothing less.

She begs to differ! That type of skill only belongs to those of her highest ranking huntresses! She continues to gush about you until Zag comes up and, once again, greets the both of you. That dreamy look coming over his face as he looks at you. She watches as you once again disappear into Tartarus, this time though, after you’re gone, she turns to her cousin and shoots into a tangent about why he had never told her about you before and where did you come from? She has to know!

He answers all of her questions to the best of his abilities but there are even some he doesn’t know about, for example: how you died.

Artemis accepts this and decides that she’ll just ask you the next time the two of you meet.

And, true to her word, she does. She asks you point blank and you can’t help but be slightly taken aback. You laugh softly, leaning on your bow as you begin to recount that you were traversing her forest, as you had done many times before, and noticed fresh foot prints of man. You decided that it would be a good idea to look and you found hunters trying to kill her Golden Stag. You had dove in as quickly as you could, shooting one- the arrow sailing in a clean arch through his wrist before he could let loose his arrow. But as you went to nock another arrow- a searing pain in your chest and heart. You looked down to see blood pooling around your robes, dying the olive green of your cloak a wine red. You remember the last thing you saw was the Golden Stag running away. You smiled telling her that you were happy he got away- you don’t know what you’d do if he had been captured despite your effort.

Artemis suddenly remembers that day: her stag rushing to her and urging her to follow him- he bounded through the forest, frantic and panicked. When they got to a clearing, she was quick to notice the blood and the drag marks of a body. Her stag pressed his nose to the ground sniffing at the pool of blood, his eyes watering and bulbous tears slid down his muzzle. It suddenly made sense. You were the one he was mourning for.

She couldn’t help but grab your hands, resting her forehead against the back of them; thanking you for protecting her stag when she couldn’t. You smile at her, bowing your head to her and thanking her for the countless hunts she went on with you. You pull your hands away from her and hold out your bow to her. She asks what you think you're doing in a watery voice and you say it’s an offering. You couldn’t give much when you were alive and you still can’t give much now, but, this bow- it shall treat her right.

She sniffles as she takes it, trying to hold in tears. She vows to treasure it for all of time as she admires the worn wood.

That day, the two of you became closer as comrades, she would actively come down to say hi to you (and encourage Zagreus to take the leap and court you after she learned of his growing affections for you). The two of you would talk about everything you could think of, explaining how your hunting styles differed or how you could set a trap easier. She had realized that she had never felt this carefree with anyone before. She felt like a child. It felt nice.

When you snag her a bottle of Ambrosia- she’s swaddled in a whirlwind of emotions.

“You… You got this for me?” She asks as she takes the bottle of golden liquid.

You nod, that gentle smiling spreading across your face. “Of course. You had helped me so many times- it is only fair, my Lady-”

“Artemis-” she sniffled, rubbing her eyes with her knuckles- “call me Artemis, my friend.”

She finds you to be a perfect friend- a breath of fresh air from home. She may not feel any romantic feelings towards you, but she still holds you in a dear place in her heart. Her gift to you is a new bow and quiver that will never run out of arrows. The bow is enchanted and you’ll never have to fear it breaking for it will protect you for as long as you exist- in this realm or another.

Ares

Cause of Death: Blood Loss

When Ares first sees you, he is… well- he’s impressed that you stumbled upon his boon, but at the same time… He’s a tad miffed? That you found it?

At the very least he’s condescending as all hell about it:

“What is this? A little lamb came to beg me for power? How foolish. No matter how hard you struggle you will never be much more than some little shade.”

“Ah, sorry, my Lord! Didn’t mean to bump into it!” You hold up the basket in your translucent arms, “I wanted to see if I could find some new ingredients to bake with! I do oh-so miss it, sir.”

Well, he wasn’t expecting that.

He ends up allowing you to chatter on with him despite his obvious judgement on your, what he calls, “soft mortal hobby” until Zagreus comes to do his daily try of breaking out from the Underworld.

As he watches you drift away (after passing the boon and giving words of good luck to the Prince, who happily takes it), he kinda hopes to see you again

And see you again he does! He literally sees you the next day- night? Whatever, he’s never sure when he drops a boon in there- it’s damn dark-

He’s presented with a basket of treats and your gleeful greeting as you chatter that you found ingredients to make some Baklava and you thought that, maybe, he’d like to try it?

He smiles- cruel and sharp- and asks if you truly think that this is a fit offering for a god such as himself?

You shrug, saying he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t want to

He laughs and takes it and you two are off chattering again: him regaling you with his war stories and you of the ingredients you had (somehow) found down here until Zag shows up, once again, the boon is passed to him (this time along with a slice of the delicious, warm Baklava. Which, he’s confused on what it is but he finds out very quickly that it’s his favorite treat).

The two of you talk a lot, which Ares is pleasantly surprised about, usually he’s the scorn of everyone- not that he cares, it causes conflict and he likes that. But you’re so calm and sweet that he just can’t get a rise out of you. Which, on one hand, pisses him off to no end, but, on the other, it’s such a nice change of pace for him. He’s used to the bloodshed and animosity of battlefields- the iron tinged air that follows after the warriors that traverse those fields. And yet, here you are: a shade that always has a treat for him when you run into him and the smell of warm sweetness wafting after you.

So when he learned exactly how you died- he was absolutely floored.

“How did you die, little baker?” He asked one day, fiddling with his knife, tilting it discreetly so that your reflection was in it.

“Oh!” You smiled sheepishly, glancing away from him and placing the bag of flour (how did you even get that? He’d have to ask you next) back into your basket. “Well- you see, I bled out.”

He raised his eyebrow, suddenly very interested. “How? You’re so…” he tilted his head and flipped his knife so that the blade pointed at him and the hilt pointed at you, he poked your arm with said hilt. “Soft.”

“Well…”

You explain that you had a little brother who had a nasty habit of getting into trouble- he was a good person, just made foolish choices- and this time, it had cost you your life. He had pissed off the wrong person and, well, when the man had attempted to grab your brother when the two of you were out walking the stalls on your break- you did the only thing you could think of: you fought.

Of course it went horribly, you’ve never been in a fight before then and, despite all the work you did with dough, it didn’t help much when the man pulled out a knife and dug it straight into your gut. But, you don’t mind too much- your brother’s alive and well and, from what you understand from asking Lord Hades, he had started to be more aware of himself and who he angered. Which made you super happy and proud of him!

Ares can’t help but feel some sort of pity for you. So much life to be taken so quickly and placed in- wait. Why weren’t you in Elysium?

You’re incredibly confused when Ares suddenly disappears (Aphrodite appearing in his place in the blink of an eye- she greets you happily and asks if you have any of Baklava to share today. You do not but you do have some Loukoumades if she wanted some. She did). You’re even more confused when the Underworld shakes and angry yelling fills the entirety of it for a solid ten minutes before all goes back to normal.

You tell Ares about it the next day and he simply hums. Keeping it to himself that he made a whole scene about you not being in Elysium by popping up and butting heads with Hades, of course he got kicked out. That still doesn’t stop him from sending angry letters that can span anywhere from one word letters (usually containing a curse word) to a 30 page essay on why you should be in Elysium instead of milling about in such unkempt places.

The first time you go out of your way to get him a bottle of Ambrosia is the day that both scares the shit out of him and makes him hate you for giving him mushy feelings.

You came to him in, almost literal, tatters: your greenish, transparent form ripped in places, the few wisps of you following after your torn form like they were tied to a string. You had held it up to him in a basket, a plate of Baklava sitting next to it, along with some other treats. “Lady Aphrodite mentioned that she wanted to try my Baklava, so I made her some! Though the Ambrosia is just for you, my Lord!”

He blinked at you, taking the basket in a delicate hold. He turned it this way and that, his chest feeling… warm? He wanted to grimace at the soft warmth that thrummed through his veins, yet it was replaced with a smile as he held up the gold liquid. “Thank you, little Baker.”

It was the first time he felt something so unexplainably soft: so gentle and warm as it settled somewhere between the bottom of his ribcage and the top of his stomach. He listened as you told him how you had gotten it: with Zagreus’ help (you even got to meet Lord Hermes! It was so amazing! He had scoffed at that) he led you to a room with Ambrosia as the prize and, despite the young prince’s worry, you managed to beat the monsters and collect it, mostly, by yourself.

Ares was so flattered, but he couldn’t help the way that your tattered form made him feel a sort of worry. He waved his hands through the wisps of your body before he snapped his fingers and a small blade appeared: a beautifully constructed blade that was an exact replica of his (albeit much, much smaller). He handed it to you, telling you that you should have a proper weapon if you’re going to go out of your way to fight in his name.

Dionysus

Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning

Dionysus, unlike many, is incredibly excited to see you sitting there. He adores mortal souls and can’t help but look at them each time Zag chooses his boons and he has the chance to glimpse at their souls (despite his tendency to let them go completely after they die- he can’t help but wonder about them once in a while).

“Why, hello there! What’s a little thing like you doing strolling up to my boon, hm?”

He can’t help but notice the way your eyes are a tad dull, but he writes that off as the dark of Tartarus since it’s gone as fast as he noticed it. You smile up at him, absolutely beaming at the God of drink and madness. “Hello, Lord Dionysus!”

“Oho, you could tell it was me? What gave it away?”

The two of you laugh, diving into a conversation. He offers you a cup of wine and is put off with how long it takes you to decline it. He almost thought you looked absolutely ravenous as you peered into the deep red liquid. He shrugs it off and continues to chatter with you until his favorite Zagman stumbles upon the two of you. He’s quick to say hi to you and even leans down to ask you… something. Dionysus misses it, but still watches the way you stiffly nod before you pass the boon to the prince and scurry off.

He’s tempted to ask about it, but decides that he should probably ask you himself instead of trying to pry. Mortals didn’t take well to people snooping around their private lives, which he could respect.

The next time he sees you though, he relaxes you into a sort of peaceful lull as he chats with you before he drops the question.

You stare blankly at him, that dark look in your eye coming back and making his skin crawl. You suddenly laugh it off waving your hands as you tell him that a god shouldn’t worry about a little ol’ shade like you.

He doesn’t push for an answer but the question still swirls in his mind, even as you toddle off after his Zagman pops up. He decides that he’ll actually ask the Prince this time around.

He asks him point blank and Zag, despite him being hesitant at first, decides to spill how you died. You had been the black sheep of your family, never truly fitting into the carefully set path that they wanted you to follow- so you found solace in drinking from a young age. It had taken the edge off of everything, Zagreus recounted you telling him. It filled you with a warmth you had been missing all your life and you couldn’t help but indulge more and more in it until it slowly became your own personal poison. Dionysus grimaced, for once feeling a sort of queasiness in the pit of his stomach as Zagreus continued on with your story. So, one day, you had drunk yourself into a deep stupor after an awful argument with your parents. But, this time, you never woke up. Instead you woke up floating in the river of blood- the River of Styx.

Dionysus had nodded after the Prince finished the story, playing with the goblet in his hand and swirling the red wine that resides in it. He offers a bitter smile to Zag and bids his farewell (of course leaving a boon of his choice with the lad) popping off back to Olympus.

The next time he runs into you, he asks if you’re feeling alright- if you want to talk. You blink at him, confused at first until realization dawns you. You bite your lip, looking down. He’s quick to assure you that you didn’t have to talk about anything- you two could just have a good time like always. You tell him that you’d like that, not yet ready to face your past. He nods, immediately telling you about an embarrassing story about Ares and how much of a lightweight he was which had you letting out an ugly snort along with your loud cackles.

The god begins to take it upon himself to have you smiling more and maybe remedy those dark clouds that appear in your eyes once in a while. He’s pretty observant despite being piss drunk half the time, it also helps that he’s very intune to your emotions for some odd reason, so he’s quick to pick up on when you feel down or your having something the equivalent to a relapse. He has you drink just a little bit from his goblet since it’s better than quitting cold turkey. And that little bit is always enough to quench your thirst and calm you down. You’ve been needing less and less of it as the days (nights?) pass by.

The first time you get Dionysus Ambrosia is the same day that he almost swears that he’ll marry you. He’s quick to grow emotional with the sheer fact that you went out of your way to get something so special for him, his face almost splitting with how wide of a smile he has on his face.

“You got this for me, man?” He says, holding up the bottle in his hand and inspecting it like it’s a precious jewel. “You know this stuff is hard to come by, super hard.”

You nod, the clouds far from your eyes now. “I had to thank you some way and punching a couple of Shades to get my hands on that was worth it.”

“You punched people for me?”

“Of course.”

He fights the urge to squeal and pops the top off, summoning another cup and pouring some in it. “Here’s to us!” He says as he hands you the cup.

He’s honestly never had so much fun just existing with one person. After that he’s never far from you, one usually not seen without the other around- even despite the Underworld not being Dionysus’ favorite place, he can’t help but be willing to venture down there to see you in person (he’s been trying to convince his wonderful Uncle Hades to let you come up with him to Olympus for a little bit- he’s even got his dad and (other) Uncle in on it. Hades officially hates all of them). His gift to you is a matching goblet that will supply you any beverage of your choice. It also has the double power to protect you from all that wishes to harm you, but you’ll learn that in due time. It’ll be more fun that way, Dionysus muses.

Hermes

Cause of Death: Falling

Usually, Heremes wouldn’t have taken the time of day to chatter mindlessly with a shade. But, it was a different story when that shade summoned him through bumping into his boon- now it’s just interesting!

“Eh? Who’re you? It’s kinda strange for a shade to be here and not my Cos, huh? Did something happen to him? You his stand in or something? That’d be kinda funny because you don’t seem like his stand in- not buff enough or something like that.”

You blink slowly taking in the words of his mile a minute speech as he continues to prattle on. You take a seat in front of the quick mouthed god, getting yourself comfortable as he flutters about and chatters. Not like you minded- he filled in the places where you couldn’t with steady conversation. You nod to some of the quips he makes, just to show you were still listening.

He decides then and there that he likes you a lot and that you should meet Charon. As soon as Zagreus pops up to collect the boon- he grabs the back of your robes and goes zooming off with you in tow. You wave to the panicked prince, allowing yourself to be dragged around. He continues to chatter on and on, only taking a break when he reaches the Boatman (who was not expecting a Shade to be accompanying the God of Messengers). He sets you down, tries to introduce you two to each other- realizes he doesn’t know your name, so you end up telling them your name- and then is quick to say goodbye, after he gives a scroll to Charon, and shoots off.

You end up staying with Charon after learning a bit more about the quiet boatman and Hermes is quite pleased when he realizes that he’d be seeing you around a lot more. He’s quick to flutter about you and chatter for a few quick seconds before zipping off. You wave at him.

The process repeats for a while before he finally takes a moment to really sit with you, Charon having gone to pick up more souls and lead them down the River of Styx. He chatters on aimlessly, asking little questions here and there before he decides to ask the million dollar question: “How did you die?”

You blink slowly as him before murmuring that you fell from a very high place, you head cracking open on the rocks at the bottom and now here you are. He asks why you were messing about on a high place, as that seemed to be something most mortals avoided doing. You explained that there was a kitten stuck in an old root on the ledge and you couldn’t just leave her. So, you crawled onto the branch and put her back onto safe ground, but the root gave way and then you went tumbling to your doom.

Hermes is surprisingly quiet throughout the entire exchange until you reach the end and he says: “you’re a real bleeding heart under all that quiet, huh?” You nod solemnly and he laughs, pulling you into a side hug. How could something with such a fleeting life be so selfless with it? He squeezes you harder before he stands up and bids you farwell, shooting off once again. And, again, you wave as he goes.

He grows attached to you quickly afterwards, bringing you little things that might help make you more comfortable down in the Underworld. Of course Charon is there to keep you company which he’s happy about- and he voices that exact thought to the boatman, who just grumbles out a long: uuuuaagghhh as his reply. He pats his arm and says that he knew he’d get it.

When you manage to get your hands on a bottle of Ambrosia- he’s completely blind sided that he almost trips on his own feet. His face flushing a deep red as he takes the offered bottle.

“How’d- how’d you get this?” His speech is all jumbled and jumpy, though he tries to keep the giddy excitement bubbling in his stomach as bay.

“I saved up my coin,” you said, nodding to Charon who nods back. “And bought it from Charon. I would’ve fought for it, but I’m no warrior.”

A smile splits across his face and the wings on the side of his head flutter. He’s quick to scoop you up and hug you, floating up with you as he does.

Hermes is an absolute giddy mess with your offering, not sure if he should kiss you or simply remain holding you. He had a special place for you before but this just solidifies his adoration for you. His gift to you is a pair of boots with wings on the side of them- an exact replica of his (in your size! Somehow-). He promises that they’ll help you get anywhere you want quickly, also the two of you match! How cute is that?

[dudeshusband]

now that it's pretty late and less people are on here:

as we all know (if you've been here a minute), i prefer the 1971 adaptation of charlie and the chocolate factory to the 2005 one.

there are so many reasons for this i could write an essay. today, I'd like to focus on the characters themselves.

starting with charlie bucket, there isn't anything wrong with freddie highmore's portrayal. however, peter ostrum plays a charlie that connects better with the audience. he tends to make the audience want him to find a golden ticket, to win the prize. he comes off as a sweet kid who cares deeply for his family. he just wants something good to happen for himself and his family. i also think he and jack albertson (grandpa joe) do a grandfather-grandson in a very fun and believe way.

willy wonka: roald dahl wanted a brit for wonka. neither adaptation has that. I've never felt it was that big of a deal.

gene wilder's wonka is unnerving. however, he does it in a way that makes you question it, that makes the other characters question it. he seems outwardly to be fairly normal, if a bit eccentric. when he's really weird, it's a bit of a surprise. i will say, he's definitely a bit too sweet at the end perhaps.

depp's wonka is just weird. it's a wonder everyone didn't leave the minute they saw him. he talks like someone you should avoid like the plague. he doesn't lure anyone into a false sense of security at all. he might as well have a sign. also, his voice is uncomfortable to listen to and the dentist dad subplot is both really strange and really absurd. also, i think that there being a debate on whether charlie could take his family with him is equally strange and absurd. he's a kid. hello???

grandpa joe: i feel jack albertson does him better if only because he seems more grandfatherly to me. also, he does well with ostrum's charlie. 2005's grandpa joe is a bit forgettable. also, "I've got a golden ticket" is a lovely song and it has a slightly goofy but enjoyable scene to accompany it.

veruca salt: again, there's nothing wrong with 2005 here, as far as i can remember. however, i appreciate 1971 because while veruca is definitely bratty, she's somewhat good at faking a "sweet little girl" persona, which is highlighted in "i want it now." she loses her cool (because she is a kid) but is pretty quickly able to regain it. it explains why the salts act the way they do with her, in addition to being too spineless to discipline her. fave thing about 2005 though, the way that girl says "squirrel." I'll never forget that.

mr. salt: wh. why is 2005's like that? i don't like him. 1971's salt is at least a bit funny. "what business are you in, salt?" "nuts" is iconic. i only mentioned this parent because this one bugs me.

violet beauregarde: both are perfectly fine. i kinda dig 2005's peak 00s tracksuit. i will say, i think 1971's blueberry is better. it's more of a blueberry and less of a gigantic blue orange like 2005's. also i like practical effects.

augustus gloop: this character is a mess in general. however, i have some bones to pick with 2005 here. firstly, the fake red hair is ghastly. secondly, how come 1971 could get a real fat german kid and you couldn't? thirdly, what in the fuck is that intro scene? where are the gloops living? why does it look rat invested? jesus. i feel like he's more offensive. honestly 2005 is more offensive point blank.

mike teavee: so. this one's up to personal preference. both are good at what was being aimed for.

1971's mike is actually somewhat likable imo. he's not horrible. he's just a bit rambunctious and watches too much tv. he's very much a typical 11 year old boy. he should heed his mother but also, it's completely understandable that he'd see this cool contraption that could send people by television and want to use it. he's 11.

2005's is a very video game loving, destined to live and die in his mother's basement, calls you slurs on xbox live, little cunt. i would punt him into the sun. his vice isn't just that he watches to much tv, he's also a bigot and I'm upset because i had to hear the r slur while relooking these characters up. you know, this is the only 2000s media i ever heard that slur in. congrats burton, you've made a character that deserves the taffy puller.

oompa loompas: these characters are bad from the get go and I'm not the right person to speak on the race portion of it. the book is racist. whether this was better adapted by the 1971 one or 2005 one, if either, i have no right to say. as far as i can tell, 2005 leans more into the white savior narrative than 1971. feel free to weigh in on this portion if you'd like.

however, i think that it was better to have more than one person play the oompa loompas. 2005's one guy copypasted looks incredibly odd and takes away from the quality of the songs. it also takes away from the diversity that the 1971 oompa loompas have in height and body type and facial features. also, having more real people will always look better than editing one guy to be multiple guys.

[beetleshade]

fantasy setting au rough ideas

sorry if this is any nonsense, i am very tired and just trying to get the key concepts

first off: body type ideas for the clans! obviously not everyone looks exactly (or even remotely) like this, but this is kind of the stereotype, or the standard of beauty (plus lots of bonus culture info <3). 

- thunderclan are styled kind of like lions, with fluffy chests and a tuft at the end of their tail. they are mainly ambivalent towards humans. its common practice to wrap part or most of their tail to accentuate the tuft at the end. their preferred weapon is the sword. 

- windclan are significantly taller than the other clans, and very lean, with broad shoulders and narrow hips. living the furthest from human settlements, they retain higher levels of inborn magic (why they look less like normal cats). they have large paws. they operate hidden mines on their territory, and supply the other clans with most of their tools in order to maintain peace and control of their increasingly valuable land. they are the least friendly with humans, and will defend their territory with force. their preferred weapon is the spear. 

- riverclan are the most materially wealthy of the clans by human standards, and the most beautiful. almost all of their original mainland territory has been lost, so they live almost entirely in their ships, with young kits and elders living on their island settlements. they trade extensively with humans, and often wear jewelry and fine fabrics. many cats (read: windclan) consider their relations with humans traitorous and riverclan to be hardly better than kittypets. their preferred weapon is the dagger.

- shadowclan are the smallest of the clans on average, and have short, sleek pelts. they live mainly in the coniferous forest of their territory, but patrol their marshes extensively on silent punts, with patrols often staying out for days at a time and sleeping shifts in raised watchtowers. they are the second least friendly with humans. their preferred weapon is the bow.

- the tribe are stocky and solid, with thick, snow-resistant pelts. closely allied with windclan, they also retain more magic than most of the clans. they used to ride eagles, but as humans settled the land and leeched much of the magic from it the art was gradually lost. humans who venture into the mountains almost always disappear, and riverclan keeps a distance from their cliffs.

- skyclan had long arms and feathery, squirrel-like tails, and lived in the canopy of an ancient deciduous forest. they were initially friendly with human settlers, but as their territory was encroached upon they left the island to issue a plea to the human king to stop settlement of the island entirely. they were never seen again. this is a major part of the reason shadowclan, windclan, and the tribe do not like humans.

kittypets, loners, and rogues are not quite what they are in the books, and the clans do not have quite the same attitudes towards them.

kittypets are cats who, recognizing that cats are at a disadvantage to humans and unlikely to come out on top in the long run, have allied themselves completely with humans. they usually live in the house of a human and are fed by them in exchange for pest control and entertainment. wild cats view kittypets as weak-willed traitors and essentially voluntarily enslaving catkind, kittypets view wild cats as clinging to a dying way of life and blind to the trajectory of the world. if you have ever read the webcomic housepets, for many born kittypets it is kind of like that, they are treated basically like permanent kids.

loners are cats who recognize what they can gain from humans, but are not willing to compromise their independence. usually, this will mean living on or near a human property in their own house and doing working for a wage. for example, barley in this au lives in a small house on a farm and rides a dog, acting as a shepherd. he is paid enough to buy things like clothes and furniture, and is allowed to set his own rabbit traps on the property. he does not hunt mice in the barn, as he views this as beneath him. kittypets and wild cats view loners kind of like centrists.

rogues are cats who, like the clans, are against humans and want to preserve cat culture, but who do not live in groups. before humans came, rogues were treated by the clans essentially the same as in the books, but now, united against a common enemy, they are generally respected and allowed to traverse clan territory freely.

(this is rusty and greypaw’s first meeting, dont expect these clothes ideas to be permanent in any way i am still figuring that part out)

finally a little map i sketched up! ideally it would have a better sense of scale (i have always hated the scale of warriors....) but we cant have everything we want in life i guess. the island should be like 50 miles across? its not small. (yes I know the blue and purple look very similar yes I know my handwriting sucks)

tag list! (feel free to ask to b added to this :3)

@justanothadeadbloginthevoid

[mokeonn]

It's a really dumb way to kill him but he uses up all his spell slots using cloud kill on the dark justiciars so you he's way easier after that

Astarion. My first solo game I did it because I think vampires are cool and he was one of the only characters that allows being poly. I currently have my main game as the vampire-murderer-bear polycule, which fits really well because she's a durge ranger, so she's got a guy that appeals to her murder side and a guy for her nature side. I was originally going to assend Astarion because I thought it's what he wanted and it would be fun to be a vampire-vampire-bear polycule, but when I was looking up information on how to do it, I found out it was his bad ending. Like it just repeats the cycle of abuse and makes him act way ruder and more possessive, so I had to give up the vampire-vampire-bear dreams.

The evil durge drow playthrough however is also romancing him because fuck it I wanna see the cool powers he gets and I want my character to be able to bite people without having to wild shape into a wolf.

My first ever playthrough was with a friend so I made a drow bard and I was gonna make him also romance Astarion (because that was my first game ever and I didn't make my new one yet) but after revisiting it after romancing him twice, I realized that since my friend made me do an evil playthrough as my first playthrough (he was a durge too so it was just constant "hey watch this!" Before showing me that he punt kicked a squirrel or something) I could romance Minthara instead since I didn't romance her in my other evil game. So that one went from "Albino boyz" jokes to "good little drow boy for mommy Minthara" jokes real fast.

The fact that I romanced him twice, one good one evil, means that I never romance him anymore and I just purposefully annoy him now. It's actually REALLY fun. Like yeah we're gonna be good, do nice things, and not use our tadpoles, you pasty fuck.

That was something I really enjoyed about my honor mode game with my bardlock, Poetry, she romanced Wyll and I made her as good as possible, so Astarion was CONSTANTLY complaining about how much of a kill joy she was. Those two were just constant bickering. It's grand. I actually HIGHLY recommend bugging Astarion it's 100% better than romancing him.

I did start another drow playthrough where I was gonna romance Karlach, but in that honor mode playthrough Gale had died. So when I transported him back to camp through Withers, his stupid necrotic aura ended up killing Scratch, so I revived him and then blew him and my character up to end the run.

I also have a half-drow honor mode druid that was gonna romance Halsin but I'm a little bored with that game and also you basically like, don't get the evil drow benefits. The goblins do not let you go where you please but other people are still fantasy racist to you. It's like the worst of both worlds. Which sucks because I think the faces for body type 2 half-elves look WAY better than body type 2 drow faces. So I pretty much never use body type 2 for drow.

I always use pact of the sword with Wyll, but I tend to make him multiclass. I have yet to do a bardlock wyll that is college of swords, which sounds really fun with pact of the sword, actually. I found out that life domain is pretty good, but I tend to forget to change Shadowheart. I might swap her to tempest domain or something to try something new. I know war domain rules, though, as it gives you proficiency in every weapon and armor, and you can second attack early in the game by spending a war domain charge. I'm already doing a war domain cleric in my team honor mode game, though.

Why don't you wanna play your other games cuz you can't turn them honor? What part of honor mode has enchanted you so?

I do enjoy my other games but I am having a TON of fun with honor mode, mainly coming down to the following reasons:

- No reloading.

This has been my blessing and my curse. On the one hand, it makes battles WAY more fun because if they go south, I can't just press the magic undo key. It's changed my battle strategy when I lose from "just reload to before the battle" to "have someone escape and prepare to pickpocket Withers at camp," which is a lot more fun imo. It's also why I had so many problems with the phase spider matriarch and why Poetry is technically continuing with dishonor because I kept running away and leaving camp right back to the fight. (Which was my fault, I forgot you can use waypoints in camp)

It also means I don't have to worry about saving often anymore. No more backtracking more than expected because I forgot to save before or after an event, because I simply can't backtrack!

However this also causes a nightmare, if you fuck up and end up wiping out an entire town or giving a character a bad end on accident, you're stuck with that. I have figured out how to turn the tide in my favor for a lot of events, but for others, I am simply out of luck if I mess it up. Like triggering the Isobel kidnapping scene and not winning the fight, or if something happens to a future companion in a battle where they're an ally. You're just stuck with the consequences, which sucks SO much.

- the difficulty is kinda fun and adds new features to fights that freshens it up

I normally go through the game in balanced mode, because that feels just right for me, but I can't help but admit that the new attacks and enemy features of honor mode freshen up the game a lot more. Take the intellect devourer fight at the very beginning of the game when you pick up Shadowheart, I've done that fight so many times it's more of a chore that gets you to level up than anything else. In tactician mode, it's the same fight, but they hit harder. In honor mode??? Those fuckers got laser beams! That's new! That adds something that freshens up an old experience! I like that a lot!

Many fights are like that where an old fight I've already done at least 5 times feels new. Getting the owlbear fight out of the way? Now there's 2 owlbears, bitch. Does the hag have new attacks? I wouldn't know! I just cheese the fight by arcane locking the stairs to the lair when she first reveals herself.

It really adds a breath of fresh air, and it gets me to think a lot more about equipment, spells, battle strategies, classes, feats, and so on. Rather than simply brute forcing my way through and reloading until I win.

-food system

I understand this is just a general tactician mode change, but instead of 40 camp supplies, you need 80.

I tend to pick up any edible substance I can see anyways, leading to me having over 1,000 camp supplies sometimes. I have to constantly distribute supplies to other party members lest my player character have 70% of their inventory and ability to carry things be taken up by food. I am constantly juggling to make sure I don't become encumbered.

So, having that set to 80 instantly helps me cut down on food and has even caused a little challenge. Due to the difficulty of honor mode, I have to long rest more, which means I now ACTUALLY have to worry about camp supplies. There will be times were the party needs to rest but I don't have enough supplies so I need to either find something, or buy something.

I find the food management aspect really fun actually and it's very interesting to want to long rest only to realize you only have 18 supplies and need to scramble to get 62 more.

-gettin' funky with it

I think the biggest part I like about honor mode as well is that there are areas where you can't simply run away to camp if things go south. So the game constantly requires me to think outside of the box and get funky with it.

Things like using enemies as weapons against other enemies, making a healing circle in combat and throwing a potion down in the middle of it, getting rid of an entire boss fight early by simply getting other enemies to fight them, blocking off doorways with boxes or arcane lock, finding out that darkness is your friend it is SUCH a good spell.

It's REALLY fun to figure out wild solutions to get things done without risking the run ending. A dumb example was in grymforge! I wanted to get all the duegar out of the way before fighting Nere, so I did this by going to the upper platform hanging above the entrance of the main room, and using a berserker Karlach to start throwing things down. Most of the duegar were melee fighters so they would end up dashing around and missing turns, and those that could hit far were taken out first. I had potions lined up the wazoo and made shadowheart throw them on karlach when she got low on health, Astarion was sneak attacking, and Poetry (my durge bardlock) was inspiring Karlach and eldrich blasting.

It got even better because some enemies had javelins they would throw up, which meant that Karlach now had more Javelins to throw down.

It was a dumb battle that ended with a solid 8 turns of everyone wailing on the scrying eye hoping to damage it, because we ran out of thunder spells that could hurt it and most of our damage was negated most turns. It cried for help every time, but no help came.

But I had a ton of fun with it! It was a memorable fight! It wasn't like my first fight in my first playthrough where I had to keep reloading, I just got to win by standing up really high and making Karlach throw every Javelin I had found and gave her throughout the game and then some.

-it justifies my bad habits that make gamers cry

To the joy of all my friends, I have stopped using my inventory system I made up. I used to pick up every backpack and pouch I could find and sort everything into 4 bags in the order of: spell scrolls, drinkables, throwables, and coatables.

This kept everything nice and clean as most things outside of these bags either got a special bag (i.e story items or dye bottles) or just got to be sold. It was a little tedious to grab things during battle, but I used the custom page to make things easier. So it was only really a pain getting things out of someone else's inventory.

I have since found out that an auto sort by type button exists, and I can just use that instead. And that a search bar exists. It took until a friend pointed it out for me to realize this. So I stopped doing the bag system since I could simply throw the story items you can't sell into a backpack and just auto sort everything else.

Plus I used to have a treasure pouch I would sell, which is not necessary! That's what the 'add to wares' button is for! Whoopsie!

So, thankfully, for everyone, I stopped doing the backpack system...

However

I had also developed another habit around the same time I developed the backpack system. I was doing a challenge run where I dared myself to use every object I picked up no matter how useless, and it caused me to develop a habit that makes everyone who plays with me cry:

I press take all no matter what.

That's just how I close containers.

There's nothing that makes a friend playing with you cry more than an inventory full of useless garbage, and you keep picking up more garbage off the ground to mess with them.

In honor mode, the shop prices are HIGH. A 80 gp ring of flinging in balanced mode is over 200gp in honor mode. The gloves of missile snaring that are about 200 gp normally? Over 600gp. If you aren't planning on pickpocketting (which admittedly I am clearly under utilizing and I need to plan on pickpocketting more), you need a LOT of money to buy items you need.

You know what gets you a lot of money? Selling a metric fuckton of armor, weapons, rotten food, bones, and whatever other garbage you pick up!

Hell, if you even give some of these to shop keepers for free, they'll like you more and lower the prices!

So next time your friend yells at you for picking up all of the severed body parts you see in on the risen road, consider that each of those parts net you about 3 gold, and you need that bottle of light blue dye Dammon is selling.

- I want the achievement and the gold dice

I've been getting into achievement hunting and I really like how all of bg3 achievements are achievable through story beats or small fun actions, so I want the achievement. I'm already working on the second hardest one which is busking 100 gold, so I need the hardest one. Boost my ego. Plus I wanna see if it gets the tactician achievement out of the way as well.

Also yeah I want those gold dice lmao

So that's why I have only been playing honor mode lately. I still love those regular balanced games, and I will need to revisit my main game soon since I haven't beaten the game yet and have no idea what act 3 encounters there are, but I am having the time of my life with honor mode. The furthest I have gotten so far is right before the Nightsong and the assault on Moonrise Towers. I would be able to tell you how well that went if I didn't proceed to let my hubris get the better of me and mess up the last light Inn.

Anyways, I highly recommend trying honor mode! It really forces you to get into out of the box thinking and try some spells, classes, and methods you might not have used. Whether that's disguising yourself as a drow to get past the goblin camps conflict free, pickpocketting every shopkeeper you can to save money, or saving every smokepowder barrel you can find; there's a lot of fun to be had in honor mode.

Of course, if you normally do explorer and never balanced or tactician, maybe reconsider idk. Also I am weird and absolutely have been trying new classes I never played before in this mode, I highly recommend playing a class you have played before if you're worried about the difficulty. For me? I got act 1 figured out, so by act 2 I'll be used to the class I picked it's no biggie :)

So far the only honor mode game going REALLY well for me is the one I'm doing with my friend, since he was unsure about honor mode and normally plays explorer. That one he is a druid half-wood elf (which is a fantastic pick as the wild shapes are grand for not dying and half-wood elves get an extra 3 meters to their speed) and I am a war cleric of Selune romancing Lae'zel (war clerics RULE for hitting hard, and I wanted to piss off Shadowheart as much as possible with my build.) So if you have a friend who likes playing tactician or honor mode, you can totally mooch off them. Having another player to control half of the team honestly helps a lot imo.

[natsukitakama]

Being in relationship with the weeping monk would include :

Author note : alright I know I promised to write about Merlin and the green knight and I will. I just couldn’t stop thinking about this . Also it’s been like three months since my last writing I hope I won’t disappoint you. I expect to work on my request as soon as possible ♡ Love u guys

 I'll definetly write a Merlin and Green knights’ part 

i do not own the gif credit to the owner 

Warning : some mention of smut but nothing too serious / mention of trauma / Spoiler 

A lot of patience, I cannot imagine how much trauma this man went through. Apparently he is the only survivor (or at least Ash are barely here anymore) from his species and believe during his whole life that he was damned, he should be ashamed about his true being. In addition he grew up into a fanatical church, so it might be difficult to get to know him especially if you are a fey 

Unlike his « father » he doesn’t hate fey but believe they need to expel their darkness such as him and that’s why he is working hard for the church so he could earn his freedom and soul. But then he realized they were barely followed their own rule, monk aren’t supposed to kill children but his father does. 

He felt betrayed and had no longer a place and a purpose to follow. I’m pretty sure he’ll follow squirrel since he does seem to like him. It will take time for him to trust you enough to even talk with you and it won’t help if you’re fey cause he won’t understand why you’re trying to be nice to him especially because of the killing he’s done for the church 

If you want to get close to him just take your time, the man can be harsh and he’ll be on the defensive since his background with the church. It will take time but he will be nicer with you eventually 

He tends to go nicer if you’re caring with him, always asking him how he is doing, if he is feeling well, proposing yourself to patch him or anything. He is a touch-starved adult man, and I believe he doesn’t have much love in his life neither from the church nor from his family (or barely since he was raised by Father) 

When he will finally feel confortable enough around you, he’ll talk a lot about you from specific things such as what are you working on, how’s your training doing, to banality : anything to make you talk honestly. He just loves your voice it just calm him down everytime. He loves your voice, he really loves it. 

He loves your smile too and would be jealous anytime he saw you smiling to anyone who isn’t him 

Cause here’s the thing, he is a monk, he shouldn’t be materialist or anything but he can’t help : if there is something to know about Lancelot is that he does not share. Not even you. 

Even if you’re not in relationship, he believes no one has the right to be next to you, he is working hard to earn that right so he’ll threaten ( sending death glare) anyone who’ll be too comfortable around you. I’m not joking about it this is man is possessive fight me on this. 

At this point you would ask me, how does he fall in love with us ? Easy one : One night after a huge fight he was sitting near of a camp fire, everyone was already asleep too sore to bother extinguish the flames, everyone but you and him. As you were walking into your bed for the night you catch him staring at the fire, he looked focused and lost at the same time as if he were asking  himself « what the hell i’m doing here ». You were wondering if he didn’t have a second thought, after all he joined you and squirrel not that long ago he might be still into the church’s philosophy. So you walked into his direction, determined to know what’s going on Lancelot’s mind. When you sat close to him he barely moves as if he was expecting you to do something like this. 

At first you said nothing not knowing what to say to hurt him. But seeing him focused, looking as lost as a  child, gave you strength to face him and his insecurities. So you asked him what’s wrong and if you could help in any way. 

He didn’t say anything, but judging by his expression you knew he was looking at his word carefully. 

« Do you think I am monster ? » 

« What ? »

« Y/N do you think i’m monster ? » 

« No of course not why would you say that ? » 

He didn’t answer back instead he just stared at the fire and then you realized what was behind his question 

« Lance’ look I can’t say that I know what you’re experiencing right know as much as I can’t say that I understand what you’re going through. But I know something Lance’ no matter what people would say about you, remember that me, Y/N do not see you as a monster quite contrary all I see right now is a broken man trying to find his path. » 

« How can you say that ? I-I murdered a lot of us » 

« But you’re trying to change, you did once to save squirrel and you’re trying again » 

« How can you be so sure about it ? I still believe on the power of the church » 

« Lance… Do you think I am monster ? Do I deserve to die ? » 

« What ? No ! Of course not » 

« See ? You’re changing and if you want another argument you never be so talkative before » 

Hearing him chuckled told you you were successful for now at least. You knew he needed to take time because of everything he’s been through. You never noticed, but that day he realized by his quick answer that you mean something to him. He knew by his reaction that he would never be able to hurt you. You put faith on him while he couldn’t even believe in him, you were genuine with him and he knew that you meant everything you told him that. 

That day the weeping monk decided that he’ll do everything in his power to make you happy even if he would need to stay away. 

I believe he’ll still follow his moral and would still respect most of the rule he learnt from the church. But the moment he realized that you were his everything and that you might feel the same, well let’s say he forgot couple of rules (especially the one who prohibited marriage) 

He is into marriage fight me on this 

Being in relationship with him implies helping him when he feels down especially when is questioning is whole being as a person. Cause he is truly fucked up, he believes he doesn’t deserve to live, the church was supposed to be the only way to save him from damnation. Now all he can do is to rely on you. 

He will need a tone of times 

He also needs attention, but be careful cause the man got reputation and is pretty awkward with all those things since I believe no one was very careful and kind with him. 

He is touch-starved meaning he would crave for attention, but he isn’t comfortable enough so there things he will tolerate in private while some things would be okay in public. 

For example he doesn’t mind holding you hand (he loves it your hand is so small and feel so sweet against his calloused one) even in public especially if notices someone starring at you 

He likes hug but don’t do frequently though. He was raised to become a monk, I believe he never received any mark of affection or barely so he is still a bit tense about you being physical with him. 

He is a monk but he is still a man and well he got urges and he can’t focus on stopping those kind of thought when you’re holding him tightly, pressing your chest against him. But there is time when he just can’t help but needing to have you against him. 

Same thing for kiss, it’s so intimate, so intoxicating it’s like you were the one in charge of his own body and mind. He is overwhelmed by way too many feelings at once, so kiss are only tolerated when you two are alone. 

At this point, you’ll understand that this man is a virgin baby 

And if we’re talking about sex well, he is a monk. Safe to say you would be his first and probably he is last. It will take a long time before he would even consider being intimate with you, it was one thing to betray the church but breaking his vows was quite another. 

Kissing you or hugging you doesn’t make him feel bad in the meaning it wasn’t for him as if he was breaking one of his vows. I’m not saying that he is asexual but I’m sure he can live without having sex with someone (even if sometimes he feels the need to have you right here and then, he can control it he does it all the time). 

If he feels like he could dedicate his whole life to you, well you feel it when you two would be intimate. 

Let’s say he counterbalances his lack of experience by skills and a tone of worship, I can’t explain how he could do that, but the man is a worshiper (no punt intended). 

He kisses and caresses a lot 

When you two are linked, he expects you to be on the top in every way (especially because he is aware of his lack of experience and also because he turned him on to see you being in charge, more than he would like to admit) 

During your first time he didn’t last as long as he expects to last, especially because he was overwhelmed by all the feelings and the love he could feel through you. 

He tends to last longer after that 

I didn’t underline it enough, but I think the man is pretty sensitive in all way. He may look like a cold soldier but he is doing a good job at internalize his feelings. Which could be a huge obstacle for a relationship cause he tends to not talk about his feeling hence the difficulty for you sometimes cause you don’t know what to do to make him feel comfortable enough to talk to you. 

Don’t worry just give him time, remind him that you’re here to help him, that he is not alone. Let him go to you when he feels like it. 

It will take time but it’ll be worth it : he is very carrying, he would love you in a way you would never expect someone to love you like this. He would be your friends, your lover, your protector. 

Yeah because he is overprotecting don’t ever try to protest that’s a battle you won’t win : you’re too precious. 

[wherearemyglassesbro]

could you do those feral headcanon things for the face family? i feel like you've done something similar but not just headcanons. if you have and i just missed it, i apologize!

Sure thing pal!

Arthur:

Artie was naturally feral. When he popped out of the ground, he wandered aimlessly until his mother found him

“There you are” and she dragged him back to her camp where his brothers were

He didn’t know them so he bit them

His only socialization for awhile was his mom and brothers so he didn’t exactly get to meet humans right off the bat the way other nations did as kids!

He often had chipped teeth from biting rocks or bones. His mom thought it was cute

Arthur didn’t get along with the village kids cause he was...rabid and they were not. They had traditions and a langauge and stuff like that and Art (along with his brothers) didn’t understand it...aw

He grew up pretty wild too, his pirate years were definitely some of his craziest cause he got to pretty much do whatever without consequences

Sometimes he’d cut off a finger or toe of someone he fought and wear it on a necklace. It fucking REEKED and his crew would be like dude that’s nasty but he didn’t care

He also did a lot of drugs. As a treat. He often looks back on his actions and cringes but he had a lot of fun lmao

Alfred:

When Alfred first popped out of the ground the first thing he learned to do was run

He just...ran around, sprinting like a bat outta hell through the woods. Rocks and sticks stabbed into his feet and twigs slapped him him the face

And when he got hungry he tackled a squirrel and bit it oh god uhhhh

He popped up about 5 miles from a tribe of Natives who were like...scared of him at first. Cause when a bloody child emerges from the forest at 4am, that’s not exactly a good thing

They thought he was a monster or something but after they gave him some clothes and food, he settled down by the fire and calmed down a considerable amount so...they didn’t have the heart to kick him out

He got along great with everyone! He was naturally curious, always wandering between people to check out what they were doing. He helped with tasks here and there from skinning deer to braiding hair

They were surprised by how quick he picked up on things. After only two days of teaching, he could expertly braid hair. After living with them for a week, he could skin a deer the way they showed him

He knocked his teeth out a lot cause he’d fall out of trees or get kicked in the face by animals so he’d make beads out of his own teeth. Awesome :)

Francis:

Fran popped up in the woods so he has a very similar experience to Arthur where he tuned into his instincts, made animal sounds, hunted with his bare hands, that kind of stuff

His mother found him after awhile and took him to the village where she lived on the west coast, thats a key difference between him and Arthur: his early exposure to people

He became very social very early on though he was still a brat. He would fight other kids who were physically his age knowing damn well that he’d beat them I to the dirt

He spent his teenage years killing Arthur over and over again so he developed insane assassin skills. Swords, poison, darts, knives, he knows how to use it all literally because he and his bestie just wanted to keep killing eachother

When fighting humans he’d stab them in the neck and watch them bleed out while making fun of them ‘aww! Poor thing!’...bitch...wtf

He realizes that was messed up but he was a teen then so he didn’t really know better

He has always been tame in the drug field. He tends to shy away only because he was worried about his self image...but then he’d get obscenely drunk and run around paris at 3am...the duality of man

In the 80s though he was a mess. He’d do 6 lines of coke and show up to world meetings in a fur coat sweating profusely. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles babey

He’s fallen off the Eiffel Tower before. He also pushed Arthur off of it a year later

Matthew:

Mattie is a woods child but like Alfred, he was taken in kinda quick

Mattie is a brutal fighter, as I mentioned in an earlier post. He cuts off his opponents arms and legs and punts them away. He only did that to nation oponnents though

Matt is more subtle tbh

But he does have his moments. He’ll drink a bottle of whiskey and go outside and the next morning he’ll wake up with a new bench. He doesn’t remember making a bench. Or cutting down the tree to make the bench. But he made it.

He’s eaten nails, paper clips, magnets, bolts, lots of small metal things just to see what his body does to them cause even as a nation, he doesn’t know how his body works. Turns out he just has to painfully shit it out lmao

He has also fought a bear. Did he win? No. Did he enjoy it? Also no

He has wrangled a wild moose before and rode it. I wouldn’t reccomend it and neither would he.

Michelle:

Michelle is a younger nation when compared to the other guys so she doesn’t have the same ‘I lived in the woods for months’ background

But she did pop out of the sand one day in front of a bunch of people which was startling to say the least

She was still born with her ‘animal instincts’ where she wanted to bite off fish heads and roll in mud, which she did

Her people took her in very quick though and taught her their ways so she is more ‘domesticated’ but I don’t enjoy using that term for people...but that’s kinda how it was

[quillfeather21]

Midoriya Izuku Headcanons

(#1 Problem Child and Resident Broccoli Boy. Here we go)

1/ Sexuality? Not sure. All his squirrel brain knows is people are hot and he wants kisses and cuddles.

2/ Gets cold super easily. Had a set date that he needed to befriend Todoroki by so he wouldn’t be cold in winter. Boy has a schedule.

3/ On the spectrum and his fixation? Heroes. He’ll ramble for HOURS about heroes if you let him. Stims by rubbing his hands together. Finds it hard to make friends and is so glad all of his classmates like him. (Kacchan is just emotionally constipated so we’re going to ignore that at this moment)

4/ Really scary when he’s properly pissed off. Bakugou knows what his ‘fake anger’ is and that’s what he gets most of the time. Annoyance but tolerance. But when Izuku is actually angry? Cold, silent, and deadly. No smile, no nervousness. Just blunt as hell and will punt you to the sun, no questions asked.

5/ Kind of hates how short he is compared to the rest of the boys in his class. But that just gives everyone an excuse to rest their chins on his mop of curls. (Seriously other than Mineta and Tokoyami he is the shortest boy he’s so small-)

6/ Coordination? In this economy? Ha. My man has two left feet and couldn’t dance to save his life.

7/ Inko calls him ‘little bunny’ because he reminds her of a rabbit.

8/ Always wanted to be a big brother and that’s why he’s collecting children like Pokémon left and right.

9/ Taught Eri to say ‘fuck Overhaul’ and is proud. She deserves to be a chaos gremlin so that’s what he’s gonna teach her.

10/ Aizawa bought him a mug that says “# 1 Problem Child”. He drinks out of it to mock Aizawa but jokes on him that mug was made to withstand All Might he can’t break it even if he wanted to. (Trust me he tried)

11/ Is allowed into the the girls side of the dorms for the simple reason he’d be too nervous to even make eye contact with any of them. The girls took one look at him, went collectively “trustworthy” and now he’s allowed into all their rooms. Not that he even looks at the girls side of the dorm without permission. Inko raised a gentleman and that’s what he’s gonna be.

12/ Is short, and so climbs onto his friends shoulders to feel taller. Everyone lets him.

13/ May be swole, but is also soft. He hasn’t been able to shed 100% of his baby fat yet and he has pouty cheeks and a bit of a tummy. Not enough to hide his abs though.

14/ Loves his mom and would do anything for her. Dad on the other hand? MIA, and him and Kirishima bond over having bio dads that fucked off to Narnia.

15/ Is a biter when he’s playfighting. He was raised alongside Kacchan and baby Kacchan was a BITCH when he was fighting. Hair pulling, biting, kicking, the whole 9 yards and he’s not going to let up until whoever he’s playfighting is squealing for mercy.

16/ Him and katsudon? Like Shoto and cold soba. He’d murder for katsudon. Sell his soul for it. Does anything for it.

17/ high tolerance for spice. He likes it and him and Bakugou have competitions where they see who can chug more hot sauce. (The class was crying as Aizawa came to see the commotion and saw Bakugou and Midoriya chugging hot sauce like shots)

18/ Talks with his hands a lot. Wild gestures and random movements. Has accidentally hit Shoto in the face before.