#so he could have presented her a potential Singer

[kariachi]

Welcome back to Achi climbing out of bed in the middle of the night to ramble. Tonight’s topic: MasterSinger Merelan.

Now I’ve mentioned before how fucking weird it is that in the Menolly books and beyond it’s treated as this shocking, weird-ass thing that a girl could be a proper student at the Harper Hall. Everyone acts like your only options are to be a fosterling/paying student (aka ‘you aren’t here to learn music you’re here to make connections’), be somebody’s wife, or be a general worker. Everyone acts like this has always been the case, or at least the whole of the case in living memory.

But Merelan. The last two MasterHarpers were directly related to this woman, who was very clearly not only a member of the Harper Hall but also incredibly well respected. Yet both of them act like the very idea of considering that maybe a girl could be taken in as a proper student in any capacity is tantamount to asking the Weyrs not to fly Fall. I could understand them being reluctant to do anything that could even hint at being replacing her, but to act like the idea is entirely unprecedented just- What the fuck dudes?

(And this isn’t even getting into the DLG giving us a lady Harper who ended up marrying the Lord of Ista in the far past. Yadda yadda ‘the DLG isn’t canon’, it’s only as contradictory as the books themselves, and it’s statement that ladies have been allowed in several Halls for a good while and the Harpers just got dramatic about it, presumably to present themselves as progressive, tracks better with the sudden ‘what no ladies can’t be Harpers ladies have never been Harpers don’t you dare look at that portrait behind that curtain’ shit than the proper books do.)

And that brings us to another thing buzzing in my brain right now- Meralan is referred to as just Singer multiple times, but is also given the full title of MasterSinger. This is, such a big fucking deal and I don’t know how other people haven’t seemed to notice, how did I not notice-?

First up, Singer as a title brings up some interesting concepts about the potential inner workings of the Halls. We know Harpers as teacher, composer, musician, singer, but for Singer to exist as its own title means it’s its own distinct subcategory. Which leads to questions, the main ones being 1) is this a distinct ‘ladies can’t be Harpers so we’ll call them this’ situation (in which case why not recommend Menolly for the position), 2) if it’s not, is ‘harper’ the generalized term/title (like how you would call your cardiologist ‘doctor’ even though there’s a specific job title), 3) or is ‘harper’ more a term for generalists (people who teach and compose and sing and play etc) while specialists get the more restricted title (singer, player, teacher, scholar, etc), 4) if any of these are true, then are there similar situations in other Halls (does the Minecraft Hall have Miners, Cartographers, Lapidarists, etc?) and if so what are they?

We don’t learn much to help is those questions, though we do know that Merelan was considered a Master in her own right, that she was a Big Deal, and that she had her own students.

But, more than that, much more than that, she’s titled MasterSinger. One word.

A Harper who’s reached Master rank is a Master Harper. A Smith who’s reached Master rank is a Master Smith. Master Miner. Master Healer.

MasterHarper is the title of the head of the Harper Hall. MasterSmith is the title of the head of the Smitchcraft Hall. MasterMiner heads the Minecraft Hall. MasterHealer heads the Healer Hall.

MasterSinger...

I don’t doubt Anne didn’t give a second thought to what that title says about her worldbuilding, but I’m not Anne and so I can. MasterSinger Merelan having that title, in a singular word, implies that she’s not just a singer, not just a Singer, but in charge of all the other Singers on Pern.

Singer is never treated as it’s own crafthall in the series, not to my knowledge, and that makes sense. The Harper Hall covers everything else music and with it the oral histories of the civilization, so it makes sense that Singers would also be lumped in there. But for there to be a MasterSinger says a whole lot about 1) the status of Singers (namely, that they’re likely equal to Harpers as far as Crafthall politics if nothing else, if this was just a minor position among the hierarchy, or even just ‘we give women this so they can be included’, likely there wouldn’t be a MasterSinger), and 2) that one way or the other they were more-or-less self-governing within the Harper Hall. Again, single word Masters, everywhere else in the series, are treated as more-or-less on par with Lords and Weyrleaders as far as power and status goes. It’s a big deal. Meaning that it’s entirely possible that MasterSinger is supposed to be either second only to the MasterHarper or, more likely I think, on equal footing with the MasterHarper.

The power imbalance in place by Merelan marrying Petiron and him being... Himself, may well have fucked up what was supposed to be functionally a dual position- with the MasterHarper managing composing, teaching, and that whole branch and the MasterSinger being in charge of the actual learning to sing and to play. It would also make sense with just how expansive the Harper Hall’s jurisdiction is, if it was more of a split-but-united deal. It’s the Harper Hall because that’s what it’s been forever, but the Singers are a distinct subset within it with power and import of their own.

 Which then brings up the question of wtf happened to the position of Singer? Because Merelan had students, and a very blatant rank of her own for those students to take. And for her to be MasterSinger she can’t have only just started getting students, that would’ve started when she was just Master Singer.

So we’re left with four questions Merelan’s existence and title drop unceremoniously on us-

What is a Singer in the context of the Harper Hall?

What happened to Merelan’s students, of which there can’t only have been the ones we meet?

What happened to the concept of Singers in general, that is never comes up again chronologically?

What the fuck bug crawled up Robinton and Petiron’s asses that despite there being a position in the Hall that explicitly allowed ladies, one that they’ve both been alive to see, one that would likely have been The Norm when Petiron was a student and teacher given Merelan’s position doesn’t seem to be questioned, both of them pull the ‘well you know the Hall hasn’t taken a female student in half of forever if ever, but maybe I can make something work for you’ game?

And we are never going to get a fucking answer so damnit we better start coming up with some for ourselves because nobody else is gonna touch it.

[polliwoggers]

been struggling to draw lately so i went through some older stuff of mine and found this, only to realize i never posted it. i don't imagine anybody's still doing stuff for this weird social media-clan au thingy anymore, now that the meme of it has died down, but anybody's free to these names for whatever uses they want, if they want them :)

bonus lore to get it out of my head:

Yarrow-whisker was the previous medic before Quarrypaw, who has yet to gain their full status as a medicine cat in their absence

Geckopaw and Prairiepaw are siblings. Yewtail is only a so-so mentor at the best of times, so Foxfire effectively mentors them both. However, Prairiepaw has swooped in to support Yewtail when they decide to do something stupid and unsustainable on multiple occasions. they really shouldn't have been granted an apprentice tbh. i recently re-read Fire and Ice in the original warriors series so the parallels to Graystripe being a poor mentor to Brackenpaw are intentional

Skypelt came out of retirement to mentor Duskpaw, since they serve such similar real-life purposes. Skypelt doesn't understand everything their apprentice says or does but is generally supportive of such a similar application

Marsh-singer, Whitestep, and Thymeface are all siblings, and are collectively the youngest of the warriors (not accurate to the actual ages of the applications, but eh). to say they are all total gossips would be an understatement. they're also really interchangeable and forgettable. like the Runningwinds of apps.

depending on how positively you want to view the whole "reincarnation" trope some of the canon warriors books have, you could say that Tickpaw is a reincarnation of Musiclight. Otherwise, they just look really similar.

all of the "Cats Outside of Clans" cats are kittypets, with the notable exception of Furzebark, who is a banished rogue with a concerning amount of influence on the Clan(s?). maybe there's a whole band of rogues who are based on insidiously/surprisingly influential applications or online entities! various appstore/playsotre applications could fall under this category, as well as like. roblox, apparently. which is beyond weird to me since that's a game and not a wider application, but it got scarily profitable during lockdown, so...

Redpaw was Yewtail's sibling, but died during their apprenticeship. Probably to the same thing that killed Gravelpounce, but i have no idea what that would be

Flaxflower is generally considered WAY too old to still be alive (since the real internet explorer died a bit ago by now), but since he'd "find a way to be late to his own funeral", he has yet to kick the bucket.

the whole twittypet drama is EASILY the juiciest gossip the clan has had in ages, ESPECIALLY the half-clan checkmark-kits. in-universe, im interpreting the poor management of twitter that's been driving it into the ground irl as a negligent cat owner unintentionally driving their pet to spend more time outdoors with other cats (namely, dashclaw) to get away from them, which resulted in kittens. drummed-up anti-kittypet sentiment aside, many clan cats looking in on the situation just feel bad for her.

Vinewatcher is the most consistently "present" of the StarClan spirits, but is also the most consistently unhelpful. numerous potential prophecies later turned out to just be inside jokes of theirs they decided to continue rehashing into the afterlife. Quarrypaw, having not gotten much experience identifying what makes a legitimate prophecy yet, finds this exceptionally annoying behavior, and would like them to stop. They do not.

[chinomiko]

hi! i know it must be kinga boring for you recive questions about castiel bc ppl are obsessed ober him for years but like the other person who asked you a few days ago, i follow you (and ply mcl) for like 10 years and ever since day one my fav boy has been tiel. till this day at the age of 22 he's my favorite and my comfort boy so i joke that he's not a fictional character anymore for me and that i know him personally at this point lol

with that being said, i bet you can imagine that over the years i've been elaborating his personality beyond what the game gives us but he's your boy, you created him therefore you know him and your word is canon, so i'd like to ask a few stuff!! nothing too big, dont worry but here we go.

tiel is an amazing songwriter and since he's very emotional not very good at express it (he does it a lot better now that he's an adult 🥹) i bet his lyricism is very deep and poetic so i have this headcanon that he at first wouldn't like taylor swift because obviously lol but then he payed attention to her lyrics and ends up basically being a swiftie since he likes her writing a lot. what you think about that?

and what kind of music crowstorm sings? like there are any bands that you listen and think "hey this would be in a crowstorm album!" (i have a playlist with this name btw lol). im probably wrong on this one but since this is my fav band i like to think that catfish and the bottlemen are the irl crowstorm, musically speaking

and the last one: another thing that gives me so much comfort is the lystiel friendship. not having present parents, being so closed off i know that lysander is such an important presence on tiel's life because he was basically the only close person he had (specially after the debrah fiasco); if lys didnt had taken the farm and went to college and bla bla bla do you think he would still be part of the band with castiel? im not sure if im mixing the canon with a fanfic i read a while ago (lol) but the band was more of a fun thing to lys, right? he liked writing most (i always imagined him getting into a literature degree or something like this). i also like to think that he helps tiel with lyrics at times, even if he's out of the band (in my head the canon is that they are best friends and pretty close till this day, i pretend lys never left our lives just like armin)

anyways sorry for this big ask 😭 i dont even know if you will read it all but if you do, thank you! and dont feel like you have to answer, i know its too much its just that mcl is my hyperfixation till this day like for real, i have a fanfic that i write still and i even plan on making it into a book sometime. except from the main characters (who is my oc) all the characters will be based on the game's ones :)

ilysm take care and stay hydrated!!

Hellow !

Aww thank you so much and for all your love for Castiel ^^

What a long ask, I'll try to answer in order.

Castiel being a swiftie. No sorry, I don't think he would be. If candy likes her, I'm pretty sure he would try to listen. Also he is an open minded person for sure, so I'm sure he would be curious to listen and study what all the hype is about, it could also help as some sort of far away inspiration, but I don't see him being a fan.

What kind of songs Crowstorm sings This is hard to answer because my musical knowledge is pretty limited and I'm sure I would miss on lot of potential groups or singers that would fit well. And it would require too much research time to have a real detailed and clear answer, but I still did check a bit and here is a little list of songs/groups that I think would have a fitting vibe for Crowstorm

City of the dead - Hollywood Undead The worst in me - bad omens Paranoid - I prevail Trauma Just pretend - Bad omens Ice Nine Kills - A grave mistake Catfish and the bottlemen sounds nice but I think its a bit too soft for what I imagine for Crowstorm.

What is his voice like I think something similar to this (not necessarily the song itself, just the voice. )

bonus, I think this song is so so fitting for Castiel's breakup song, I love it. Dial Tone - Catch your breath

Castiel and Lys friendship. It was'nt mentionned much in UL/LL because I didnt wish to bring too much drama by mentioning Lys when he was not there for the players, but of course Lys and Cast always kept in touch. It is very clearly mentionned in Lys' AL that they keep in touch, that Lys helps Castiel write songs and Cast also like to come to his farm to have a break and spend time together. You should play it if you havent, you'll have a good chunk of Cast and Lys friendship :) However yeah I can confirm that Lys would not like to do it serisouly and professionally, but he'll be all the way around to support and help Cast.

[chelledoggo]

My Analysis of "Lazarus Drug" by Meg Washington, and how it pertains to Bluey's "The Sign" [MASSIVE BLUEY SPOILERS]

(This post is going to deviate from my typical "all lowercase" typing style because I kinda want it to be taken seriously lol.)

So, I was doing some dishes earlier, and I started thinking about the song "Lazarus Drug" by Meg Washington. I started mulling over the lyrics and thinking about how it was used at the ending of the Bluey special "The Sign." The wheels kinda started turning and I felt compelled to attempt to present my interpretation and the thoughts I have about it.

Now, I'm not a music theorist or a seasoned philosopher or TV critic. I'm just about as much of a layperson as one can be. I'm just kinda calling things as I see them.

Although only the final portion of the song was used in The Sign, I wanna go over the full version of the song to give a better understanding of what all the pieces mean put together.

This probably won't be a play-by-play of every lyric (because I'm not that smart lol), but I'll do my best to get the point across.

Let's begin!

[MASSIVE BLUEY SPOILERS BEGIN BELOW THE CUT]

I am asleep, I am a slug I am a thief, I am a thug

The first lines of the song give the impression that the singer perceives herself as an impure person. She seems to bring attention to her vices of focusing too much on the self to the point where it could potentially hurt others.

You are grace, you are belief You are a Lazarus drug

This is where the song title comes in, and this section in particular is clearly very heavy on Biblical imagery.

Lazarus was a figure in the Bible, specifically the Gospel of John (John 11:1-45). He died of illness and had been in the tomb for four days. Jesus loved Lazarus so much, that he had wept upon the confirmation of his death. He then went to the tomb where Lazarus lie and resurrected him.

Note how the singer refers to the subject as a "Lazarus drug." When you think of a drug, you think either of something meant to treat an illness, or something meant to give someone a high. However, in this case, I think it's both.

Meg Washington said the following in an interview with ABC's (Australia) Double J radio station:

"'Lazarus Drug' is a song about love and euphoria and revival. It's really just an ode to whatever it is in your life – or my life – that makes you feel like rising up and floating in the middle of the air and splitting into light beams of happiness. "Writing this song was really special for me, because every time I sing it I feel the same way that I felt when I wrote it. I really wanted to make something that sounded like how we can make each other feel if we try very hard to share love."

The subject of the song is a loving, caring figure. You could even argue that they are a Christlike figure. The love and compassion that they extend to the singer not only heals their pain, but makes them feel high, as illustrated in these lyrics a few lines later.

And when you make A perfect circle in the sky I get so high I get so high I'm like a planet And I can't come down Oh, I can't come down

The next verse begins like this:

You are an angel And when you weep, the heavens rain I am a mermaid, eating at the sushi train

The "mermaid at the sushi train" metaphor is kind of up in the air, but I believe it might once again be highlighting the singer's selfishness.

Like, why would a mermaid be eating sushi? Why would she be eating her little fishy friends? Like imagine if Ariel was advertising frozen fishsticks... Oh wait...

It seems like a metaphor for thinking more about your own hunger rather than the needs of those you're meant to care for.

We sort of see this in both Bandit and Rad's subplots in "The Sign."

Bandit gets this high-paying new job in another city. He's going to have to uproot his family's life and take them away from the people they love and care about in Brisbane. However, Bandit doesn't really seem to consider too much how this might emotionally affect Bluey and Bingo. The way he sees it, he's doing the right thing. He believes he's guaranteeing a bright and comfy future for the Heeler family. He means well, of course. But in this case he's being so short-sighted that he doesn't seem to really take his family's feelings into account.

Likewise, Rad plans to move himself and Frisky out west after their wedding... Except that he didn't bother bringing this up to Frisky herself. His motives were arguably even more self-centered and short-sighted. He didn't bother asking Frisky how uprooting her own life would affect her. He just... assumed he could just smooth it over after the wedding. (I love you Rad, but... dick move, man. Dick move.)

But when you look in me With language in your eyes I get so high I get so high I'm like a planet And I can't come down

When the singer stops and looks at the subject, gazing into her eyes without needing to say a word, that "Lazarus drug high" comes back. She realizes that she's not in it alone. That there's people around her that love her and care for her, and they matter just as much as she does.

When Rad finally catches up to Frisky at the Lookout, they have this moment:

Now at surface level "I know you like it here" could just be referring to the Lookout, since it's one of Frisky's favorite places. But on a deeper level, I think we can tell what this really means. It's referring to Brisbane. You can even see the city in the background here.

Rad finally wakes up and realizes how much Frisky's home means to her. Neither one of them has to say a word about Brisbane for us to know that Rad's had a change of heart about moving. The way they look at each other during this scene speaks volumes.

Likewise, there's... the moment.

Moving day.

I feel it in the morning I feel how low it lies And then I hear you calling And then I start to rise I feel it in the morning I feel how low it lies And then I hear you call my name And then I start to rise

The Heeler house is all packed up in boxes, and the family is getting into the car to leave their driveway for the final time.

But just as Bandit's about to get in the driver's seat, he stops to answer a call from Bucky, letting him know that the Sheepdogs decided at the last minute not to buy the Heeler house.

After the call ends, Bandit walks over to peel the "SOLD" sticker off the "For Sale" sign.

He then gazes back at his family waiting in the car. No words are exchanged. He just takes a moment to look into their eyes. He's reflecting on what this move will mean for them. He remembers all the sorrow Bluey and Bingo endured over the revelation.

And suddenly his eyes are opened to what really matters...

And when I hear you calling Like you were always there I rise until I'm hanging In the middle of the air

He grabs hold of the sign, pulling it with the strength of two Bandits.

And when I hear you calling I split like I'm a snake With golden light like fingers And then I start to break Into a billion pieces

And...

...YEET.

Oh, I shatter into constellations Like I've never been more here Like I completely disappear

The ego shatters. Bandit foregoes the self and realizes his oneness with his family. That they all matter. That what they have in Brisbane is beautiful.

Sure, he could assure himself a cushy high-paying job and ensure a "comfy" life for his family.

But his family was already comfortable. More than comfortable, even.

His preconceived notions of what a "good life" could be disappear, because he knows they already have a good life.

I'm nothingness, but shining And everywhere at once I'm everything and everyone who is or ever was

Now this line is particularly interesting to me.

In eastern spirituality, especially Buddhism, there's a concept of "emptiness." Basically nothing and no one exists purely in and of itself. "Everything and everyone who is or ever was" exists because of interconnections through other factors. There's no inherent "thing" or "self." We're all one.

The words "emptiness" and "nothingness" in our western mindset seems to denote a feeling of despair and sadness. I think this is why Meg chose to word it as "nothingness, but shining." In the eastern mindset, "nothingness" is something that is shining and beautiful. It's not a sense of loneliness, rather a sense that you are not alone.

Bluey isn't a stranger to incorporating eastern spiritual thought into its episodes. Probably the most famous example is the episode "Bumpy and the Wise Old Wolfhound," which is loosely based off the Buddhist story of Kisa Gotami. The episode "Hide and Seek" alludes to the practice of mindfulness meditation, which is a practice rooted in eastern traditions. You could even argue that the episode "Slide" has themes of Ahimsa, the eastern principle of nonviolence and not causing harm to other living things.

Even "The Sign" incorporates the Taoist parable of the Farmer, which teaches about accepting the unexpected of life, and not labelling anything as "fortunate" or "unfortunate."

I also personally see themes of the aforementioned principle of interconnectedness. The whole episode is basically a literal "butterfly effect." Every little thing, from Frisky leaving the wedding and the Heelers going to look for her, to Flappy (who originally appeared in "Slide." Oh wow, this goes deep!) flying into the Heelers' car, to Bluey finding a lucky coin, only for it to get stuck in the binoculars that the Sheepdogs later use to spot their new dream house... it all leads up to the ending.

The ending in and of itself can't really be labelled as a perfect happy ending, either. Bandit can no longer accept his new job, and will probably need to find new work in Brisbane. How will it go?

"We'll see."

And You're nothingness, but shining And everywhere at once You're everything, we're everyone who is or ever was, forever

The final lines are just a pronoun switch of the ones before them. This could be interpreted in multiple ways. The singer could be addressing the subject of the song, but she could also be addressing the listener.

The song ends on a reminder that we're all connected. We're affected by the circumstances we face, including the love we're shown by others. Likewise, the love we show others affects them and those around them.

Isn't that kind of one of the overarching messages of Bluey as a whole? How we treat others - our friends, our families, our children - goes a long, long way.

...

WHOO. That ended up being more of a ramble than I thought.

Anyway, I'm just calling this as I personally see it from my silly overthinking layperson perspective. You shouldn't by any means take what I say as gospel, but I do hope I've at least given you something to think about.

And, of course, feel free to share your own interpretations!

If you've made it to the end of this massive skyscraper of text, thank you so, so much. I love you. 💖

[ginger-snap-talkin-nonsense]

Huh! I've never watched Fight Club before but I'm sure you're correct in that it's very transgender. Can you elaborate on that? :0

It's no secret at this point that the original book was written with a lot of homoerotic subtext as the author was a gay man who got the idea for the book following being hate crimed, and as such a popular school of thought is that Tyler to an extent represents sexual repression presenting as toxic masculinity.

However, Fincher is not one to make a movie without adding his own flair and interpretations, and Fincher has this really interesting consistent thread in his work wherein all the women are just inherently leading better lives than the self destructive and/or dangerous men running the film, and when a women is self destructive or dangerous it's BECAUSE of how society treats women rather than an internal problem.

And that's where Marla Singer's role gets upped from small(er) time character to important thematic core. Marla is, much like Tyler, seen as a mirror to our protagonist. She's a hot mess with a drug problem, sure. But she's confident in herself in a way our protagonist isn't. Shes bold, she knows what issues she has, and she knows how she likes to handle them. Shes put herself together best she can and chooses to let that which does not matter truly slide.

Tyler makes it a point to have sex with her to hurt the protagonist, while also despising her with a genuine anger that he has for nothing else-even the society he claims to rage against. Then, when our protagonist realizes that he and Tyler are the same his solace is turning to Marla for help which enrages Tyler so much he attempts to kill her.

The final shot after our protagonist kills Tyler is him holding hands with Marla (who in comparison to the All Time Low main here is looking her absolute best in the film) where he says the line:

"You've met me at a very strange point in my life"

Now if Tyler originally represents a potential suppressing of homosexual feelings represented by toxic masculinity, and Marla acts very similarly to Tyler in terms of role yet acts as a positive force for getting better, what could this mean about Marla?

Why does our protagonist believe that his life is at its worst when he first meets her for the expressed crime of being a reflection of himself? Why does Tyler appear after the main can't confront his feelings towards her like she can him? Why does Tyler push so hard to keep her and the main apart? Why is our protagonist's acceptance that he likes Marla the thing that makes him see Tyler as the perversion of masculinity he is?

Something to chew on.

[opreaadriann]

Found your game today, and tried it out and really enjoyed it. I already brought up the trans name situation on the forums, which you so kindly already replied to and figured I'd ask the last few things here both to get your account here some traction, but to also avoid clogging up the forum post.

The player is able to get a tattoo, which is fucking amazing but I was wondering if it would be possible to get more than one? Unless individual tattoos and their meaning is brought up at any point in conversation, which it would then make sense to limit it to just one. But if the specifics of the tattoo isn't brought up, could you make so that the player could've multiple tattoos?

On the topic of tattoos, an option to have piercings would be a really cool option as well. Even if they aren't outright mentioned at all in the story, they would still be a cool addition if for no other reason than a head-canon of what your MC looks like. Again, having multiple piercings would be cool. Piercings would definitely add some extra spice for the players like me, who are going for the rebel without a cause / rockstar musician persona.

Height. Absolutely height. I want to be a tall trans girl rebel/musician who can tower over the shorter RO's, specifically the girls, even if I do feel like I won't romance anyone of them. At least not from what I've seen of them so far, and their personalities and past and present behavior.

And last but not least. Cigarettes. When you meet the clown that was our first friend, you can pull out a pack of cigarettes and hand him one, because you think he might find it cool. This option to me at least, seemed very out of left field since there was absolutely no indication the MC was a smoker. I don't personally mind the MC smoking, again it would fit her persona, but it might be jarring to some players. Maybe make it an option early on if the MC smokes, and if they do they'll have the option to pick this scene? Like that it's established the MC smokes, and as a result can be used later on in the story for other scenes as well, rather than just potentially being a one-off situation, and it could potentially become a cool story element to build on the MC and their potentially very different personalities from each different player. Because as it currently is, making it a one-off scene would make it even more weird than it already feels without any prior choice of smoking or not, because why would the MC smoking never be mentioned again if they picked this choice, because clearly they smoke otherwise they wouldn't carry a pack of cigarettes with them I would imagine.

This last bit isn't really a topic, suggestions, or request, but rather a question. If you join the band with your adept skill being music, the MC has some internal monologue about how you might be able to take over the lead singer role if you got trained in singing. Will this ever be an option? Because I would love to absolutely take over the band, as the main 'front girl' with my bass and singing, haha.

Hey, first of all, thanks for the name change suggestion. It really would have been stupid to keep the same name after the transition haha. I’ve already added the code for it, I’ll just wait to do a bigger update to add it to the demo.

Originally I was thinking of making the tattoos important in some way or another but It’s been 5 years and I can’t remember for the life of me what that purpose was. So yeah, I’ll add the option to add more tattoos and I’ll probably only talk about one of them or mention their overall presence.

And sure, piercings, why the hell not?

Oh yeah, height would be good for the character customization. I just naturally assumed the MC was relatively tall, but forgot I should actually give the choice haha

The smoking bit I thought worked well with the rebel/edgy persona, since, for example, the edgy type will have a lot of stuff never mentioned before ready for special occasions. In the cafeteria scene, the edgelord had food prepared from home and they don’t stay in line to get anything. But yeah, I guess I could explain better that our MC prepared stuff from home for occasions like these.

And, yes, you can become the lead vocalist for the renowned Fighting Rooster! Without spoiling anything, there will be a plot in the band where you’ll need to figure out who should be the vocalist. And that option can also be you.

[lemonhemlock]

Jaehaera has a disability for narrative purposes, because GRRM needs to quickly explain away why the greens somehow stop demanding that Andal inheritance law be respected. Aegon III had to be king, so he's making his way backwards to fit his ending.

This gets even weirder when you realize that there's ANOTHER case of a young Targaryen girl getting passed over for the iron throne because of a disability - Vaella, who needed to get passed over because Aegon V was the one who is supposed to be King. Her claim is "immediately" dismissed despite the fact that she's the only child of the King's eldest son, presumably because of both her gender and her disability.

In fact, there's a... Weirdly significant number of Targaryen girls who are described as "simple-minded," or otherwise appear to be coded as intellectually disabled: Gael, Jaehaera, Vaella, and potentially Daella as well. Daella dies of childbirth at 18, Gael drowns herself at 19 after being "seduced and abandoned by a traveling singer," and giving birth to a stillborn baby, Jaehaera dies at 10, either by suicide or murder, and while we don't know what happens to Vaella, the fact that she's never mentioned at all after that event means either she lived an unremarkable ignored life and then died before present times, or that she died young. That's a weird amount of "simple-minded" Targaryen girls who die young. Idk if this pattern means anything, but I've noticed it before and it sticks out to me.

(while I do want Jaehaera in the show to have a character and not just be portrayed as an "simple-minded" little girl, I do hope they keep her as autistic. I think there's plenty of room to give her a ton of depth without simply erasing her neurodivergence and I really want the showrunners to realize that potential.)

Anonymous asked: not talked enough about how Jaehaera witnessed her twin's death. y'know the brother who grew up healthy and fit unlike herself. the brother who had a little too much of everything: toes, fingers. now he's down a whole head! I also believe Alicent was already planning their marriage when they were still kids lol. bedside reading time with granny Ali and she pulls out the tales of Jaehaerys and Alyssane again 🙄🙄 we get it grandma! tbh not so sure about the detailed timeline, but I thought it interesting that Jaehaera died shortly after ser Willis Fell (her larys-assigned KG) died from fever. like that was her guy! whom she had all for herself and now he's gone away commanding the KG, and now he's gone away for good. I'm probably one of the few who loves all 3 of Aegon III's little girl wives (tho Daenaera ranks lowest). I really felt for Myrielle and thought the whole doll-bit so needlessly cruel from Aegon III? his random af decision to marry Daenaera? he said fuck it we ball.

Anonymous asked: This fandom is so disgustingly ableist and no surprise here when many team green members have disabilities. And the show's treatment of disabilities is questionable to say the least. I have questions for GRRM too........

I received these additional asks about Jaehaera and was meaning to answer them, but I got distracted.

I want to clarify the fact that IMO the problem isn't if Jaehaera had a disability or was autistic/neurodivergent, the problem is that the author chose to incapacitate her so much that she is/would be incapable of taking care of herself. She is described as having some kind of mental setback ("she is eight going on four"), weeps inconsolably when she is corrected, wets her bed every night, doesn't laugh, has to be drugged to sit still at her own wedding. I cannot imagine how she could consent to a marriage or to marital relations in the future, with the whole trouble of child-birthing and rearing.

And what is the point of all this, I have to ask? Because this is very much not Jaehaera's story. It's not about how Westeros is so ill-equipped to handle mentally impaired individuals. In fact, the narrative doesn't know how to get rid of her quicker. After fighting a bloody civil war over Andal Law, the greens conveniently decide to disregard all that and don't push for her claim (that's how disabled she is). Everyone who could conceivably be on her side is quickly killed - her father, her grandmother, Ser Willis Fell. The new 15-year-old Lord Lyonel Hightower suddenly can't raise another army for the greens because he is too busy fucking Lady Sam. (?!) Jaehaera dies a horrible, graphic death, lingering in tremendous pain for half an hour. Couldn't she have received at least the mercy of a quick death?

This is why I see her being incapacitated for narrative purpose. All of this happens in favour of Daemon's freaking children - it's like they all had to band together to help erase Jaehaera from the annals (three of them at least). There is no reason for all of them to survive, considering how FB has no issue with inventing random events just to get rid of characters. Yet they do. Of course Aegon III becomes king at Jaehaera's expense, of course his brother Viserys II also gets to become king at some point, because why not? Daemon should get to have two kingly sons, not one, as a treat. Baela and Rhaena get this stupid gotcha moment at the Maiden's Day Ball when they bring their six-year-old cousin Daenaera to replace Jaehaera as Queen, as if that's some sort of triumph and not inappropriate AF.

This is why I dislike the introduction of characters like Daenaera and Myrielle - because they're been intentionally placed there to replace a traumatized and damaged little girl with a trauma-free, suitable, lovable consort. Don't get me wrong, these two girls don't get a chance at their own story either, they exist only to replace Jaehaera and to please Aegon III.

I also deeply dislike and do not understand why there are so many "simple-minded" Targaryen princesses - Daella and Gael have particularly awful stories. Vaella's story is just a repeat of Jaehaera's, but with less awfulness and violence. What's the point? Get some interviewer grill these questions into GRRM ASAP.

So, I do hope that they change this in the show somehow to make it less awful. I would not want Jaehaera reduced to an invalid, her claim passed over, and I would not want her to die. Of course, if she lives, then I would have to contend with her being the mother of Aegon III's senseless children, so, honestly, I don't know which is worse.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

You may have answered this before, but assuming we take as given the prerequisite singer/mental-mute traits needed to get Edward's attention, what kind of person would Edward actually be able to have a semi-successful and/or stable long-term romantic relationship with, in your opinion?

Why Edward loves Bella (or there are prerequisites here).

Interesting question.

Honestly? In terms of "semi-successful and/or stable long-term romantic relationship"? He's doomed. It ain't never going to happen, and that's because Edward wants contradictory things.

What a Boy Wants

The way I see it there are a few major requirements here:

They have to catch his attention

They have to be human

They have to either have a personality he likes or a personality that he can project upon them

They have to like him but not like him

In the first case, Edward is very dismissive of everyone around him. Either they're a family member, and off limits for a variety of reasons, or they're everybody else.

He's generally contemptuous of humans and was so of Bella until he smelled a smell. He's very contemptuous of fellow vampires, even friends, due to the diet. The best bet we see is the Denali except he's somewhat contemptuous of them for their life choices.

Mostly, the Denali gets into point number two. Edward would never pursue a vampire. He finds vampires to be grotesque looking, too angular, sharp, and carved so that they resemble more gargoyles to him than people. In Midnight Sun, he sees Bella's potential transformation into a vampire as something that will make her uglier, hideous, where she'll lose all he likes about her. To him, Esme is beautiful in spite of being a vampire, not because of it.

Not to mention all the baggage Edward has with vampirism in general. Even if the Cullens in some other universe ended up with a sister-bride figure that Edward actually liked personality wise, he would never go for it, as she'd be a vampire.

But let's get to the personality.

The key with Bella is that he's able to project a personality entirely at odds with who she is and, because of her silent mind, he can justify whatever he sees as matching this hidden personality.

The Bella he likes is selfless, kind, willing to sacrifice herself for anything, able to fall in love with monsters, hated by the gods, intelligent, quiet, so on and so forth. Basically, what he describes that he likes about Bella (versus what about her frustrates and annoys him when he lingers on it) is kind of a daintier, more feminine, version of how he perceives Carlisle's personality.

He wants someone desperately in need of his protection, so as to justify his presence in her life, as well as willing to overlook what he is without quite knowing what he is because if she did she'd surely leave him.

Which brings us to the last point. Edward wants them to like him but not really. Edward presents himself in the best possible way he can to those around him, he wants people to like him, and is terrified they wouldn't if they knew what he was really like.

We see this in canon, with Bella he's constantly pushing forward and also pulling back. He'll try to terrify Bella deliberately then immediately take it back in terror that she'll actually leave him. He wants Bella to be unattracted to him, because of course she should be, but also wants her to be attracted to him because he wants to be loved.

The ideal Bella for him is one that's entirely uninterested in vampirism at all, finds them as hideous as he does... except he also wants her to love him and find him appealing.

Like in Total Recall where Douglas Quaid wants a woman who is at once both "wanton" and "demure" Edward wants a woman that both hates him and loves him.

Also has to be a woman as that would be the only person that Edward could see himself romantically entangled with or allow himself to recognize as being attracted to.

What if Edward Gets What He Wants?

The thing is, he gets as close as he can in Bella and it's still not good enough because she ultimately wants to become a vampire to say with him. If she didn't want to stay with him then she'd end up leaving him.

Edward can't have what he wants because it's mutually exclusive. As a result, at the end of the day, any relationship he has, especially if it's with someone whose personality is what he's after, is going to fall apart as they're just not compatible.

Can Edward Change His Mind?

Edward would have to have a real introspective come-to-jesus moment and learn to accept himself and truly understand what he's looking for in another person.

Even then, a tango takes two.

[bubblepp0p]

Everlong | Elvis!Vince x Masc!Reader

Summary: You work at a distribution company and as date has it Vince Everett and Peggy need some help with their record. You were always known as a dimwit but this is your chance to prove yourself.

Warnings: Vince is gonna switch up a lot

Word Count: 2.7k

Vince Everett had just created what he thought would be the new best selling song ever. He just needed someone to sign with him to put it out there. This happened well over a week ago.

“Come on, Vince. We can't give up now, there are still companies we haven't been to that could give us offers.” Peggy nagged, trying to get Vince off the couch he had been lazing about on.

“Face it peg, No one wants to sign with us! We should just make our own record company.” Vince whined like a five year old as he resisted from getting up. Peggy sighed and placed her hands on her hips like a tired mother. “I'll give you a free meal if you come with me today.”

A long pause was present meaning Vince was thinking it over. He hadn't eaten yet so that option was sounding good. “Fine. But we eat first.” He stated as he got up and aggressively grabbed his jacket. “Yeah, yeah.” Peggy scoffed out, walking through the door first with Vince tagging along behind very unwillingly.

✦

Your day had started slow as usual. Get up, brush your teeth, put your suit on, and walk next door to your father’s distribution and record company. It was simple. You liked simple. Simply because it was easy. Simple is such a fun word, you thought to yourself. You were never the brightest bulb in the box but your father told you that you never needed to. You were somehow heir to the company anyways. Although you hated that it was a fact, since your father was the CEO, you had many privileges. Including constantly having your ass covered from all the mistakes.

Today though, you felt like you wouldn't make a mistake. You felt that something good would come into the office. A great opportunity. The positive idea gave you a positive attitude. Oh how you loved days like these. Just on time, you walked into the fancy building that would soon be yours in decades time. When you had walked in, you overheard a woman and a man doing their best to convince the staff at the front desk to let them speak to, well, your dad.

You noticed that the man had a growing angry expression so you decided to step in. The staff seemed happy that you did at the moment. The man looked like he could explode at any second. “Excuse me, is there any trouble?” You asked politely, looking at them both with a soft smile. Their anxious demeanors died down at this. The woman spoke up first, “Hello, I'm Peggy Aldan. I'm here to see if the company would like to take part in our record.” She said calmly but all the well enthusiastically. You quickly recognized her name, “Oh! You worked with Mickey Alba!” She grinned at this and smiled.

You glanced at the man next to her, “And you must be the artist?” You question. The man looked to the side, cold faced. Peggy stepped in, “This is Vince, and yes he's the singer.”

Before she could continue, he rudely interrupted, “And who might you be?” Vince towered over you causing Peggy to gently hit his arm. “I'm Y/N L/N. The son of the person who owns this company.” You explained patiently. There was something different about these people, they looked like they had potential on multiple levels.

You hummed, “Alright. What do you say that I'll give this a listen and see what I can do?” You suggested with a cool smile. Their faces lit up at your offer, “Really?” Peggy chirped. “Of course, you both are more than welcome to accompany me to my office.” Your voice was soft as silk, showing them the upmost kindness.

Once you had entered your office, Vince looked awfully suspicious of you. “You ain't gonna steal our record, right?” He asked, dripping with caution. “Steal? Well, that's illegal and my father taught me never to do that.” You said casually, as you popped the record into the vinyl. “It's happened before.” Vince added. “I'm sorry that it did,” You gave him a genuine frown, “I won't do such a thing. You have my word, Mister Vince.” He was shocked at how your kindness never faltered. That you weren't even offended.

Peggy waited anxiously for your reaction as the record began to play. You always loved music and it was the only thing you were sure you were knowledgeable about. Like how most people have an eye for art, you had an ear for music. Carefully, you listened to peace and boy did it sound great. Vince’s voice was like honeydew, he sang with emotion. Passion. Something you can't find too easily nowadays. You stopped the record, giving it one last though. “Well?” Vince asked, impatient.

“Well..” You trailed, “I think it's amazing.” You grinned. Peggy couldn't contain herself, “You see that, Vince? He said it was amazing.” She tugged at his arm. Vince didn't look the slightest bit amused, “Yeah, I heard.”

“Now, since your name isn't known very well I'll have to pull some strings but I don't mind,” You rubbed the back of your neck. “Give me a day or two and I'll call you into the office for a contract.”

“Sounds great. Thank you so much, Mr. L/N.” Peggy grabbed your hand to shake it. “Oh please, Call me Y/N.” You went to shake Vince’s hand. “When everything is done our company usually likes to throw after parties with our clients if it's a success. Make sure to not be late.” You felt Vince squeeze your hand harshly, “Don't screw us over.”

✦

As the days passed, it took hours and hours for you to convince your dad to give them a try. After he had finally listened to the record, he too was left amazed. Vince offered opportunities no other big artist could and he was young too. Finally getting the approval, you dialed Peggy. “The contract is ready, hurry on up.” You informed quickly.

Within minutes, a pair walked into your father’s office. Vince gave you a more trusting stare. “Welcome.” Your father smiled, gesturing to them to sit down as you stood next to his desk. “My boy here bugged me about y'all for days and I gave in last night. It sure did surprise me.” Your father spoke, putting his cigar out. “Not the smartest one out of the bunch?” Vince bluntly put out there, you weren't hurt by it. You were used to being called dumb and what not. Peggy didn't like it one bit though and let out an angry, “Manners.”

“Well, you can say that.” Your father shrugged, “But he made a good decision. I'm trusting him to handle this and if he does then he'll prove himself to me.” He glanced at you and you only nervously looked away. “Oh? So Y/N will be the one handling our business?” Peggy asked. “He will. I'll just supervise.”

“Right. You’ll be signing under my branch and if you want. A partnership for you and vince. Your own record company under my branch.” You chirped in, pointing at a separate contract. Peggy gasped, her hand covering her mouth. “Really.” You answered as if you were reading her mind.

“Don't let me down.” Your father patted your shoulder and you blindly nodded, “Of course.” Vince continued to eye you down. Did he hate men or something? You thought to yourself in confusion. Your father excused himself out of the room for a meeting a second later so you took this moment to get them to sign. “Alright, I'll need both signatures here and here.” You pointed to blank spaces on multiple pages.

Once all the legal stuff was out of the way, you began to organize everything. You made conversation as you did so, “Since we are basically partners now in business, I'll be seeing you two a lot. I hope we can be friends as we go on.” You happily said, placing everything where it needed to be. Peggy nodded in joy, looking at Vince for any type of reaction only to be met with nothing.

“When will our record be released in shop?” Vince leaned back in his seat cooly. “Five work days, precisely. So Thursday.” You answered his question easily. “Come on peg. Let's get out of here.” Vince stood up, not saying goodbye to you and straight up left the room. Peggy apologized to you before quickly following after him.

✦

Your prediction was right. Vince’s record was a massive hit. Everyone had loved it, the teenagers especially. Vince as an artist was basically a goldmine now. A party was now getting thrown for Vince’s and Peggy’s great debut. Peggy had offered to throw it at her parents place since they were on vacation.

The night was young and you were there since the AM helping organize the party. You had a glass of water in your hand as you wandered around the house. People from the company, close friends, and other higher ups attended the party. You knew some of them but never to the point where you could casually conversate. You didn't try too becuase you always ended up as the butt of the joke. Either because you didn't get the joke or you couldn't keep up.

You found yourself wandering into Peggy’s old room, it was quiet and away from the ongoing party. Your curiosity got the best of you as your eyes laid on a vanity. It still had items laying upon it. Makeup. You've never seen before besides in stores on display. You picked up what looked like a pencil, examining it.

“Like makeup?”

You yelped at whoever talked, scaring you from suddenly popping out of nowhere. It turned out to be Vince who had just closed the door behind himself. “That's eyeliner.” He added, unable to hide his smug smile from your reaction at him scaring you. “Huh?” You tilted your head. “The stick in your hand, dummy.”

“Oh- You know about makeup?” You quickly set it down back where you found it. “A bit.” He answered as he walked towards you and sat on the edge of the bed. You leaned against the vanity. “Want me to teach you?” He asked calmly. This was a bit weird. What happened to the bad boy he was a few days ago. You could only nod in response. “Sit in front of me.” Vince looked into your eyes with no malicious intent.

Without a word, you got on your knees in front of him. Vince felt strange at how obedient you were. It made him feel things. He only hummed and reached over to the vanity to grab the makeup. “Stay still, got it?” You were about to nod again but he held your head still by grabbing your chin. “Still.” He repeated. You replied with a soft “Sorry.”

Vince began to work on your face while mumbling what he was doing. “The eyeliner goes on the bottom of your eyes, it can go here too if you want.” He continued on mascara, blush, eyeshadow, then finally your lips. He was using a nude lipstick so it looked like natural makeup. He stared at your lips as he slowly traced it. Your ears began to gain a red color at how intimate it felt.

He had finally pulled away, looking at his final product. “There. Look at the mirror.” He ordered and you did as you were told. Your eyes widened at your reflection. “Pretty…the make up I mean.” You looked back at vince. “Well you're a pretty boy.” He commented as he twirled a lock of your hair in his index finger. You blushed, “You mean handsome.”

“Why not pretty?” He asked. “I'm not supposed to be pretty.” You replied with innocence. “You can be whatever you want, baby.” You blinked at him, it was like Vince was an entirely different person. He treated you so softly in private. “I thought you didn't like me.”

He started to tap his foot, biting the inside of his cheek as if he were contemplating something. “I decided you weren't bad. ‘m sorry for treating you like crap.” Vince came clean. He would usually never do this but you were so goddamn cute in his eyes. You grinned at his apology, “It's okay, I wasn't mad.” You lightly chuckled. Vince gave a small smile, smearing the lipstick with his thumb. It was quite obvious he was attracted to you from his actions but you were too oblivious to notice.

“Whatcha drinkin’ there, doll?” Vince pointed at your sat down glass of water. “Hm? Oh just water.”

“Why not wine? It's on the house tonight.” Vince asked, liking that you were still on your knees for him. His heart felt like it was on fire and quite frankly he didn't care that you were a boy. “I've..I've never drank before. My dad never allowed me to,” embarrassed, you looked at him. “Well 'm allowing you to.” Vince handed you a glass of wine that was originally his. You hesitantly held the cup. “Go on, just try it, honey.” He caressed your cheek.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you gulped down the drink in just two seconds. “Woah! Woah! I said try it, not inhale the whole goddamn thing!” Vince snatched the now empty glass away, wide eyed. You hiccuped in response and made a nasty reaction at the liquid which earned a laugh from Vince. It was the first time you heard him laugh. “You're so silly, honey.” He held his stomach.

Your face burned from the alcohol, wine often worked faster than most liquor. Vince stared down at you, “Hey..thank you for what you did for me and peg. Without you, we would be knocked flat out. But now we're on our feet.” Vince rubbed the back of his neck, his ears turning red. Your voice was slurred, “It's your skill that got you where you are..” You laid your head onto his lap.

“Already drunk?” He mumbled to himself, examining you. “Maybe you should sleep it off.” He said aloud. Peggy had opened the room just then causing a commotion between you and Vince. Not thinking it through, you threw yourself onto the ground, pulling your blazer over your head with your behind in the air. Vince only stood up casting you a glance doing his best not to face palm. “Uh..Is Y/N alright? You didn't hurt him right, Vince?” Peggy asked, walking up.

“Of course not, why would I?” Vince crossed his arms, stepping in front of you so Peggy wouldn't catch a glimpse at your makeup. “Well you weren't too kind to him these past days. Y/N, dear, are you okay?” She peaked over Vince’s shoulder. “Fine! Thank you!” You said, keeping your head covered.

“Now Peg, we were kinda in a conversation,” Vince cleared his throat, “Aw you finally made up with him?”She cooed like she was proud of hun. “Yeah yeah,” Vince rolled his eyes. “Either way, people are asking for you so please join the party soon. Thank you, Vince.” She patted his shoulder before walking and closing the door behind herself.

Vince turned around to look at you. He stood there for a second, waiting for you to get up but you never did. “Y/N, she's gone.” He called placing his hands on his hips. “Oh.” You got up, rubbing your forehead. “Hurt yourself?” He glanced at the red mark on your head. You nodded with a hiccup following afterwards. He gently rubbed the mark, blowing softly on it. “You'll be okay, darling.” He drawled.

“Do you like boys?” You blurted out, the drunk in you removing your fear factor. Vince choked at your sudden question, pulling away. “I-I I mean. I certainly don' dislike them…but I like girls too..” He sounded unsure “Anyways! You need to sleep!” Vince hurriedly pushed you onto the bed and covered you. “But I don' wanna!” You said loudly. “You're gonna, boy.” Vince took your shoes off and grabbed a makeup wipe. “Now stay still like before.” Vince held your chin still and began to wipe his previous work away. It looked too pretty to wipe away but he did so anyway. Before he knew it, you had fell asleep right then and there. He hummed and pushed your hair out of your face.

“See you in the morning.”

[firsttarotreader]

OH now I have a question for the cards. (Or other anons maybe 🤣🤣🤣)

Seeing the story about that singing lady in Bogota, could we know the factor that caused him to fall for people first if it's romantically? Like, most likely started with physical appearances?

Hiya! Second reading! Are you ready for the cards being brutally honest?? Because I asked what attracts him the most at first and they weren’t smooth or delicate with their answer. The first pull was the Ace of Hedgehogs, 3 of Spears and 8 of Flowers.

Ace of Hedgehogs in this specific context could point to physical attraction. This card can be about a very grounded, physical pleasure, someone he sees and falls for and he might possibly have 10 positions in his mind in 5 seconds. Then the 3 of Spears. Damn, he will be drawn to the drama. If it’s something he knows will not last, something that will definitely end, and potentially with that guaranteed heartbreak from the last reading. 8 of Flowers shows once again he will be attracted by something intense but fleeting, someone that will turn him on real fast, with whom he has a strong connection from the start. It’s that chemistry thing, you know. But it’s definitely bound to end very quickly. Think about him being drawn to the Bogotá singer and telling her he would stay in town for a couple of days still.

The next pull was The Emperor, 6 of Teacups and King of Teacups. With The Emperor, he will be attracted to people who let him take control of the situation, be the one who chooses the movie later. 6 of Teacups means he might like someone with a playful personality, someone that makes him feel nostalgic, like that feeling he got with his first love, maybe reminding him of his music or movies or book taste from his teen years or something. King of Teacups shows someone being passionate, affectionate, and that’s what he will become real soon when he meets someone he can share good times with.

The last pull was the 2 of Flowers reversed, Ace of Flowers reversed and 10 of Teacups reversed. Well, with the 2 of Flowers reversed, this man is gonna be attracted to someone he doesn’t have to make plans with, with no long term goals for them, no elaborated ideas, just living in the present. Ace of Wands reversed, in this context, might be pointing to someone with whom he has a strong spark with, but that he knows will fade quickly. They are not really open to new beginnings, so people with whom he can have one night stands, quick flings, would be very appealing to him. Then we have the 10 of Teacups reversed, showing us he will be drawn to people he knows he CANNOT have a happy ending with. He will love trouble, he will love passing flings, unavailable people and people who will be as commitment-phobes as he is.

So in the end, the man is gonna be attracted to hot people with whom he knows it will be a quick and intense thing, no strings attached, no “happy ending” in sight, even though he will love to be with people that connect with him in a deeper level. It’s gonna be deep, not superficial, but it shall not last, and in this case, the Bogotá singer makes a lot of sense.

[vallerianella]

omg since the ∅ asks are still open, can i ask for an yao's opinion on chanyu + claudio's opinion on chelsea? 🥸🥸 holding myself back rn but im ready to send u more if u want more aheemheem

😳 omg hii... u absolutely can, no asks are too many if it's yumbo 😈😈😈

୨୧ chanyu ;

"the dorm leader? i doubt any opinion of mine would be news to you if you've already asked another shundain student. of course i respect him. people from other dorms may regard the way he runs shundain as tyrannical, but i struggle to believe any students here are actually complaining. and to those that do: fortunately, you wouldn't have been sorted into shundain in the first place. although, if there's anything between the students and chanyu, it's that we all hold him in high esteem. most believe that under his regime, they can reach their potential, if not break through it. admittedly however, he is extremely remarkable - both physically and intellectually. it's not every day that you see someone so well-rounded. his ability to take up new hobbies with ease and his aptitude in a variety of activities proves to be impressive time and time again. honestly though, something he could work on would be that sense of humour. it's beyond me how he comes up with some of his remarks."

୨୧ chelsea ;

"mostro lounge's most beloved singer, chelsea bublé... i am not adherent to talking about others when they are not currently present in the room, but if you have no malicious intent, i suppose i would not mind indulging. we often work shifts together. this is primarily due to our roles in the lounge's evening entertainment. the nature of our jobs are fundamentally different, however; she tends to the performances, while i offer more personal services behind the counter. yet, one could consider what we provide the same, for there is no consolation i could possibly give to customers that would reach further than the comfort her singing brings to the heart. but not only is she musically talented, it appears she also keeps a level head. during our time together, we have exchanged quite a few words - truly speaking, each conversation we have shared has been productive. i have been told previously that it is difficult to follow my spiels, but she seems to have no problem keeping up with... rather taxing topics. moreover, her acknowledgement of my attempts at jokes is never unappreciated, seeing that not everyone always agrees. be as it may, she remains more reserved than most of the people i have ever met. i say this through no fault of hers: i simply lament how i can only wait for her to open up."

[teamyellboss]

Dollmaker! /  Picrew!

Mama & Papa Spikemuth HC’s!

Morticia:

Was the Gym Leader in Spikemuth before Piers!

Endorsed Piers for his Gym Challenge

Was “The Mom of Spikemuth”

Very spunky, outgoing, a true riot in a good way

Singer too! Just never pursued becoming famous for it

Her & Piers used to sing Marnie to sleep all the time

Dark type specialist too!

The black & white in her hair is natural like Piers! The magenta is dyed.

LOVED ALL OF SPIKEMUTH. Was a true mom.

Yes her and her husband are still married and happily so!

Morticia is her name! Kabu, Opal & Melony def. knew her I’m sure!

The veggie curry Pier makes all the time was HER secret recipe

It’s whacky to think that Nessa, Milo, Raihan, Sonia, Leon etc. could potentially know her from having to face her on THEIR Gym Challenge run WHACK! ! !

Taught Piers to be the free, whacky, free-spirited wild one he can be at times seeing as she was the same way.

Damien: 

{ He’s supposed to have a ‘lumberjack’ / buff / burly body build but darn picrews be like (has all the wrong body types) }

Worked with abandoned and/or abused Pokemon to rehab them!

LOVED to have shiny Pokemon - Would usually keep the shiny pokemon he rehabbed whilst re-homing the others who were ready to find new homes

Wasn’t really a battler/trainer tbh

Had to be away from home quite a bit and even traveled to other regions at times

LOVED HIS WIFE AND FAMILY A WHOLE LOT

Failed his own Gym Challenge run at the second Gym due to not. Really. Being into battling - This failure doesn’t bother him one bit.

Would bring home lots of presents for the family! Was around for a long while after his kids were born before returning to work too.

Where his wife was outgoing and the like, he was rather… Shy and withdrawn about some things. Friendly all the same! But got easily tongue-tied around pretty people or people who tended to be outgoing and v open about certain things. Makes u wonder how he & Morticia met/got together/worked out hehe~

Encouraged less chaos than his wife, but her chaos always won in the end

But they still loved each other 100% he loved his wife and his wife loved him

They were so fucking happy together fite me

[poptartmochi]

okay so what I was going to post before I noticed I got polls was!! i went through some of my sketchbooks and encountered some sketches i was 🐗 about.. i wanted to share them on here!! I'll put them under a readmore since y'all know I like explaining things 🫣

first off is one of my Steven Universe OC's... pearl!! 😳😃 what pearl? I genuinely could not tell you anymore 🫣 but from what I remember, she was a supporting character to my main OC, Aquamarine (the reveal of the canon aquamarine killed my interest in the show 😭). The two worked on this off-Homeworld ship but rose up against the captain and iirc crash-landed on Earth a long time ago? and Aquamarine was looking for Pearl, who'd lost her memories in the crash. something like that? anyhow I remember feeling like GOD when I decided on that hairstyle! i also like her cape, it's like a translucent bubble around her (was the translucency thing associated with all pearls? I don't remember anymore 😅)

next are some of my bnha 🫣 ocs! They were second year students, if memory serves correctly. truthfully I forgot who they were until I saw the little nametag in the second picture 😶😅

The one on the left is named Ikina Youta, and basically his quirk is that he's like the sun? He can superheat his body, emit light, and funnily enough charge stuff through solar power 😆 A big part of his story was that he was Terrified of his quirk, to the point Aizawa was going to expel him for wasting its potential. His family (he's actually a tie-in to my sister's own characters haha) develop adaptive gear that supports him and keeps him from burning himself alive when he uses his quirk, so now! in his second year! he is breaking ground and testing out the extent of his powers :]

The one on the left is named Uzumeru Tsuyume, and he's actually Recovery Girl's grandson! He has a mix of her and his father's Sandman quirk (i slappa you and you knock out 😈.. which doesn't sound like a superpower at all... LOL!!!), so basically if he touches you you get knocked into a deep restorative sleep. his mother, chiyo's daughter, wasn't a huge fan of him going to UA after helping her mother patch heroes up her whole life, but Tsuyume thought his powers would be most helpful at ground zero and so he went to UA against her wishes. He really looks up to his grannie and has lunch with her twice a week :-] his costume is somewhat of a homage to her, although his friends tease him because it also looks like a racecar driver's outfit, which was not intentional he swears!!!!! but the little racecars on his nightstand tell a different story 👁👁❗ I think, similar to Chiyo, his power is a little draining on him so he's always a little tired and grumpy. he and youta balance each other out :D

they're actually 2/3 of my 2nd year trio! the third member of their group is a birdgirl (i was still debating how Bird i wanted to make her before i abandoned bnha..) named Koetaka Hanami, whose power is basically being an Offensive Opera Singer... her hero name is even Coloratura 😆😎🤠 she's a huge fan of Present Mic and resembles him in some ways... She brings the heat and muscle in their trio! Tsuyume does most of the support work (although sometimes it's nice to have him smack someone just to knock them out lol) and Youta does a lot of person-to-person stuff.. i have forgotten the word for this just now </3 he can also be a human flare so that's pretty useful! but Hanami is the one running in and taking care of the baddies, with her glass-breaking voice haha

I moved on from bnha after the first movie (iirc? whichever one i-island was..) so I have no idea how they'd fit into the overall plot anymore teehee! they are just fun little dolls for my brain now :]

finally are some doodles of the one... the only.... mister sergio joestar dun dun dun! He's actually why I went digging through my sketchbooks to begin with haha!

i remember really wanting to capture his fuckt up Dad Hair + sideburns.. i think the left one does it the most justice- my sketchy style makes his hair lose the plot in the right drawing hehe. anyhow the context of the left sketch is that josuke was an evil baby and would constantly pull on his scarf, but. sergio refused to ever take it off because it was a present and reward for his swagrannie lisa lisa :') so he would just let josuke choke him out.. imagine he's doing the goku laugh, u know the one!

the right drawing is just the lament o' sergio to me. I forget the context but I think that look of mild concern/apprehension suits his journey pretty well.... POV you can sense Dio within a 100 mile radius (plot twist he is having his hot girl summer in japan and is unaware of ur existence 🤪🤪)

my first and i think Only drawing of giorno is here too! i wanted to try an animal crossing style out on him.. when I drew this I wanted to get more into an AC style for my cutesy drawing, to complement the looser and :3-ier style I would use that you can see to his left. i think it turned out nicely! I think the sketch on his left is of my main YOI character, but. your guess is as good as mine lol!

seeing these made me want to pick drawing back up again and maybe commit to doing some studies/use references! I've never done a study of anything and my use of references is. light at best <3 so these really are Pure Sketchies and Doodlies ur honor. i wonder what more serious art from me would look like!

[whereismymindnow]

Angel of My Dreams 1

I've no idea where this is going... if it will go anywhere. I was just inspired by a song and my OFC from my previous one-shot, I'd Kill To Be Closer. I have inspiration for the performance that Harper will do, but other than that, nothing! xD This chapter to set the scene was like pulling teeth. It probably reads that way too.

Let me know what you think! The fic will probably be more like a collection of one-shots/drabbles rather than a storyline type fic. I don't have a timeline planned or anything like that.

Characters: Homelander x ofc!Harper

Warnings (for future potential chapters): Homelander - duh. Dub-con. Forced relationship. Supe behaviour.

---

Despite every bone in her body vibrating, Harper maintained a blank expression as she entered the elevator with Mike, her manager. If someone had told her that one day she would be in Vought Tower to have a meeting with The Seven, she’d have laughed in their face. Being around Supes wasn’t on her to-do list. She liked her own company or to be on stage with everyone screaming her name. Now she not only had to face a bunch of suits, but also present herself to The Seven whilst not bruising their fragile egos. They weren’t the only ones that had worldwide fame, after all.

“Remember what I said: this is just a formality. Ms Stillwell wanted to present you to The Homelander herself.”

“Yes, yes… let’s get this over with. I promised my fanbase a Twitch singing stream tonight.” Mike rolled his eyes as the songbird turned away from him and checked her reflection in the mirrored wall of the elevator. Harper had decided to keep it simple: Converse wedges, a check print pinafore dress with a black cropped top underneath, and gold jewellery. Her hair was in a tidy bun and her makeup was kept natural with a small kitten flick and glitter scattered over her lids. She had been advised to keep things toned down for a change. She was a star, if she didn’t dress to standout then what was the point?

“Miss Harper? It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Ah, Miss Stillwell. The computer camera did not do you any justice.” Mike, ever the suck-up, shook hands with the blonde. Harper grimaced internally; the nervous sweat that was gathering around his hairline was pathetic.

“Good afternoon. Thank you for inviting us.” Harper discreetly scanned the older woman up and down. She wore a simple black dress with red-bottomed Louboutin pumps. Harper could appreciate a woman that had money and wasn’t afraid to show it.

“Follow me.” Madelyn started walking quickly, she needed this meeting to go well and she needed her Supes to behave themselves. This deal would be huge for Vought. “So, as you know, today is about the finer details. We want you to be happy with the deal and for us to be in agreement.”

“Of course, Ms Stillwell. I can assure you that Harper is very excited for this opportunity.” Mike spoke for his client as usual. He knew that Harper was less than happy to be getting into bed with Vought, but she was no fool. Whilst this would be fantastic exposure for Homelander, it would be equally as beneficial for the young singer.

Madelyn kept her vibrant smile as they entered the meeting room. Noir, Translucent and Maeve sat to the left whilst A-Train and The Deep sat to the right. Homelander was sat at the centre of the table, his back straight and hair perfectly brushed with a polite smile on his face. “And this is The Seven.”

“Please, take a seat.” Homelander waved a hand in front of him to the spare seats. Mike sat beside Stillwell whilst Harper took the centre seat. She had the perfect view of the city’s skyline – which she was thankful for, it gave her something to look at whilst she zoned out from boredom. “It is a pleasure to meet one of the world’s biggest stars.”

“You flatter me.” Harper gave an award-winning grin and nodded her head in thanks. “The pleasure is all mine to be in such great company.”

Madelyn took note of the girl’s demeanour; the way she held a lot of tension in her shoulders and scanned the room with her eyes as though assessing the surroundings. Interesting, she made a mental note to keep an eye on her. Most people were always timid and intimidated when in the presence of such strength, but the evident displeasure was something new. Even those that hated Vought and the Supes hid it better. This almost seemed personal.

“Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, Vought likes to hold a celebration each year for Homelander’s birthday. It’s always a spectacle on television with record-breaking numbers tuning in. The numbers show that each year the programme reaches more and more fans across the globe.

“We would like Harper to take centre stage after the ‘Happy Birthday’ singalong to close the show. We couldn’t think of a more perfect way to introduce the partnership.”

“Partnership… from what I understand, Vought just wanted me to promote my song as though it is a dedication to the leader of your little group. What is this partnership that you speak of?” Harper raised a brow as she watched Madelyn and Mike exchange glances.

“Well, we would like to make it a little more personal than just a song. We need something that will speak to your fans more than 4 minutes of your voice will. Our offer is six months of travelling with Homelander. He’ll appear at your shows, you’ll appear at his events, and you’ll support each other publicly.

“Once the six months is up, we’ll explain that you parted ways amicably. The pressure, the travelling, everything was too much for you to keep up with when your career is blossoming so beautifully. No harm, no foul, no bad blood. Just good publicity.”

“Harper, think about.” Mike leant forward in his chair, making direct eye contact with the girl beside him. “Homelander gets the support of your people, you get the once in a lifetime contract with Vought, and at the end you both win! You get to perform, meet your fans and have the safety of Homelander being close by. There’s no losers here.” Homelander watched the singer in front of him. He could hear her heart rate increase and watched as her nails turned white from where she was clenching onto the sides of her chair. He stifled a chuckle as her body language showed her evident discomfort. Who did this little girl think she is? Anyone would be lucky to have his support and presence at their side.

“Let’s cut the bullshit. You want me to believe that I just get to perform and dress up when required for his events? It’s not that simple.”

“Obviously we’d have to be strict as far as your wardrobe and lyrics whilst under the contract. We have the support of many religious groups and we couldn’t afford to… offend them.”

“Are you saying there’s an issue with how I dress and the story that my lyrics tell?” Harper bit back sharply as Madelyn let out an awkward sigh. The singer noticed how the older woman’s eyes glanced at Homelander, almost like she was checking that he wasn’t displeased with the current situation.

“Okay. I think we need to take a break.” Mike interrupted as he noted how Harper had begun to sit up in her chair. What she lacked for in height, she made up for in fiery personality. She hadn’t met anyone that she was afraid to talk back to… yet. “How about I talk with Ms Stillwell in private to iron out the fine print whilst you introduce yourself a little more to The Seven?”

“That’s a great idea. I promise we’ll be on our best behaviour.” Homelander faked a laugh as he stood up with his hands behind his back. Madelyn took this for the hint that it was and encouraged the balding man to follow her to her office. She sent a warning look over her shoulder to the leader of The Seven. Fuck, balancing all these egos would be the death of her.

“So… you made a song for Homelander? What about the rest of us?” The Deep broke the awkward silence with a question that made Harper want to throttle him. She’d felt his slimey eyes on her the moment she entered the room. At least Translucent was somewhat subtle with his ogling.

“Correction: I wrote a song. Vought decided Homelander needed a bit of help in the polls with the female audience and claimed my song for themselves.”

“You sold your song to Vought?”

“Money is money. It’s the way the world works and I’d have been silly to decline such an investment.”

“Money is money, what a 21st century way of thinking. I’m sure it helps with all the girl power movements when you ladies can bring in a big cheque. I do have a question though…” Harper kept her eyes to the city skyline as Homelander stood behind her chair. She kept still as his gloved hands rested on her shoulders, a firm squeeze ensuring he had her full attention. A silent threat, as far as she was concerned. “We need this to go smoothly. It won’t benefit either of us to waste our time with this opportunity.” Another sensation of light, but firm pressure to her shoulders. A warning. “Do you have a boyfriend? A partner that might creep up out of the woodwork and make this partnership a media scandal?”

Harper took a second to swallow a sarcastic retort. This was The Homelander after all. She couldn’t treat him like all of the other idiotic men in her life. The industry was full of them after all. Men that controlled her contract, men that controlled her music videos, men that looked at her like she was a nothing more than a pretty figure to admire, men that wanted to whore out her talents to whoever would promote the music she made.

“No ex-lover or husband for you to worry about. Who has the time when they’re touring the world and breaking records?”

“Ha. A woman with an ego… interesting.” Homelander gave another squeeze before continuing on his walk around the table. “Obviously, there are some evident differences. You’re a singer… and I am THE Homelander. I protect citizens, including yourself, and fly the American flag. I do hope it won’t be an issue that my priority will always be my country.”

To Vought, you mean. Harper gave a thin smile and made a sound of agreement. “It is a working relationship, sir. I do not need to take any more of your time than absolutely necessary.” Maeve hid her smile behind her hand.  She liked her. Her first thought was some loud, little girl would come strutting in and start fawning over Homelander as they usually did, but no. Harper surprised her. The girl didn’t seem to be at all in awe of the blonde Supe… she seemed almost bored, in fact.

“Right! Harper, here we go! An agreement that will be more than satisfactory, I think.” Mike entered with a big grin. He smelt money on the horizon!

“A contract for six months… public partnership with The Homelander…. music videos and exclusive performances on Vought+… Vought offers Homelander’s personal protection during live events… all expenses covered by Vought during this time… Wait. Vought will manage me during this time? Looking for a new client, Mike??”

“O-of course not, but it makes sense for Vought to have more input during this time, wouldn’t you say?” Harper gave him a long look. She noticed how he fiddled with his hands and exhaled loudly as she stared. What a pathetic creature.

“I suppose I cannot decline at this point.” As much as she hated to admit it, this would be a great launching pad for her. Vought would stream her music on their channels, the money on offer would be a beautiful investment, and she was curious about this powerhouse company that seemed to have its finger in so many pies… Vought had a lot of control in America, she wondered just how far it stretched. “Very well.” She ignored the obvious amusement coming from the Supe across the table and unclicked the pen.

Time to make a deal with the Devil.

---

“For fuck’s sake!” Harper stormed into her apartment, slamming the door so hard that her windows shook and a few picture frames dropped to the ground.

She tore out her jewellery, uncaring as the gold pieces clattered against the vanity mirror. She grit her teeth as she dragged the brush through her hair, unflinching as it pulled on a few knots and tangles in her curls. Her usual skincare routine was ignored and she used a soaked cotton pad to remove her makeup quickly. Once her skin was suitably clean she paused and stared at her reflection. She wasn’t a puppet, but she had to act like one and it drove her crazy. The idea that these humans thought they had control over her was infuriating. If she could she’d show them all just who they were dealing with… but she enjoyed the privacy that being a human afforded her. If she showed her true self, then there’d be no going back. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

Her eyes glowed green as she let loose the hunger that had threatened to take control during the meeting. Sharp teeth dropped from her gums and she snarled as a hiss released from her throat. God, she wanted to eat someone so badly. She wanted to rip apart some pathetic little mouth breather as they pled for mercy… but she couldn’t. She didn’t trust that certain people wouldn’t be watching her from now on. She’d just have to settle for some subtle skin contact when she went to the Tower tomorrow. It wasn’t the same as consuming someone, but she could feed off of their energy all the same.

“Ugh, what the fuck have I been brought in to?” She carried on muttering to herself as she ripped off her clothes, leaving them in an untidy pile and slipped into a bralette and shorts. “Such a fucking circus, led by a witch in heels that thinks she has control. What a joke!” Her bad mood followed her like a storm cloud as she headed to the kitchen to grab the bottle of vodka that she stored in the fridge. She tended to enjoy a cocktail or two, but right now she needed something stronger. The lid hit the floor with a clatter as she brought the bottle to her lips and gulped the straight liquor. It would take more than one bottle to make her tipsy, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t get satisfaction from the burning sensation it left in her throat. She took a deep breath as the alcohol made her feel warm inside, almost like a comforting hug. “That’s better. Just breathe.”

The bottle slipped from her grasp as she turned to her balcony and saw two glowing red eyes in the darkness. Homelander quietly landed on the outside platform and gently knocked on the glass doors with a smile. “Just checking you had returned home safely. Goodnight, Miss Harper.”

“Fuck.” She watched as he waved and disappeared as quickly as he appeared. She hoped with every fibre of her being that he hadn’t been watching her the entire time.

[bellocan]

hiii 1, 9 and eleven for relationship asks!!

1. do you prefer pure, innocent romantic interactions or do you prefer obsession and possession? or maybe a mix of both as long as it's relatively healthy and consensual?

ive never really had anyone like me to the point of obsession and possession! but i think id like a mix of both. i like cute and romantic gestures like leaving little flirty love notes or getting flowers or being incorporated into their creative pieces in some manner. there was a girl in high school that liked me that would refuse to leave my side when i was being dumb and isolating myself in the cold. and she'd keep my hands warm with hers. and she'd share an earbud with me and let me listen along with her. i didnt appreciate it back then but it melts my heart reflecting now.

after. my last relationship though. i also want to have zero doubts about the long haul so a little healthy possessiveness would give me a little reassurance! i want to indubitably be someones partner... i like feeling like im theirs and theirs only.

9. what was your longest ever relationship? how and why did it end?

my longest relationship is my first and only. it was ldr and it lasted about 4 and a half years. and i was engaged to them actually. had a nice little intimate christmas proposal in private and everything where i started off with christmas presents and led up to the ring!

in her own words, before she ghosted me, the relationship ended because "nothing has changed between us." she didnt feel like either one of us were growing. despite her finally working and being able to support herself somewhat. and despite me giving all my effort to address our pain points. although a lot of her pain points were nebulous due to fact of them solely involving just how she felt... and of course no matter what a person does, the other will simply feel how they feel. i would assure her that meaningful growth takes time and that measurable growth isnt instantaneous. i feel like she wanted to see her living conditions and her life in general change completely in a short amount of time.

in my own opinion, the relationship started falling apart about halfway through. she reached a point where she said she felt emotionally numb potentially as a result of her meds and couldnt feel intimacy anymore and didnt want to be intimate. i asked her to clarify since physical intimacy isnt my only want in a relationship and isnt even a deal breaker. and she said she wasnt sure. womp womp. despite her saying those things she ended up in bed with one of her university friends/flings. she said that she "just let him share the bed with her since he didnt have a place to sleep and nothing happened between them." and nah i dont quite buy that one bit anymore. especially since her roommate found the need to message me about it. there were a million different solutions she could have went with and she chose the worst one willingfully. at this point i tried breaking up with her or at least go on break. and she more or less guilted me into staying by accusing me of just wanting physical intimacy and sex lol... projecting much... from that point on forward i still put in as much effort as i could muster. but emotionally i was definitely colder. i definitely wasnt as vocal about my love. and then covid hit and the distance became greater. and it looked like it was getting back on track when the travel ban lifted and she stayed with me at my apartment for a month. and i actually believed that it was getting back on track at that point despite feeling uncertainty. and then she drops the break up a few months after blindsiding me.

11. describe your ideal type of romantic interest!!

i love creatives! whether theyre dancers or singers or writers or musicians or artists! i. feel like i have many types... i like confident passionate direct girls... ive been enamored by an architecture major whose hard work was both inspiring and. attractive. i would also put the girl at work i call texas girl in this category. watching her fiddle with components and be determined to resolve issues in any way she can... is attractive. i also like shy quiet. cutesy girls. mellow and sweet. i guess my ideal type would be someone confident and bold and direct... but can also be shy and sweet in private? someone thoughtful and kind. someone thatd make me feel supported and secure and undeniably loved. my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time!!! my romantic interest would be patient and mindful. and we would work as a couple to fix issues instead of shifting blame.

[unfilteredgrounds]

Wolf & Lamb

When I try to be introspective, I feel like I'm, split into two version of myself. There's Lamb: the part of me that's been the same through childhood, the optimistic one, the one that gets so excited about very specific things, the one that talks nonstop, the one that likes cuddles and soft things and when nice things are said to her, the crybaby, the dreamer, the singer. The me that very rarely gets seen around others because I know better. The me that was constantly questioned, made fun of, and rejected when she was too young to fully understand what was happening. The me that had no one to talk to for a very long time.

Then there's Wolf: older me, jaded me, me that snaps at any sign of my own weakness or shortcoming, me that hold myself to the highest standard, me that needs a plan, always, me that's afraid of everything that could potentially hurt me, me that gets so angry when people treat me poorly that I still get the urge to burn down my old elementary-middle school when I see it, me that shys at any sign of real authenticity, because that's what makes people leave. The me that bares her teeth at anyone who tries to start shit because for fuck's sake I am too old for this game.

I don't know why the split feels right-- and it's not always 50/50 obviously, because I am of 1 body and mind, but these two sides are constantly warring in my brain. For example, tomorrow, my partner will call me to watch fmab, and he will ask me how my weekend was. There are two trails of thought.

Wolf: I try (and probably fail, because I can't lie to my partner, because it makes me feel like the worst person on earth) to lie about it or (more likely) just say very little and try to shift focus away from whatever the fuck I'm going through right now. I do this because I feel like I am just constantly complaining every time we call (and, a part of me that I would really like to shut up wishes we could talk more, but that's not fair because you know he's busy), and even though he is so patient and kind that has a limit because it always does, and him leaving me, I think, would be one of the worst pains I have ever had to experience. I also don't want him to worry about me, because then he would be upset, and I want him to be happy (especially when it involves me).

Lamb: I tell him the truth, sob over the phone, and panic even more because I can't see his face so it's even harder for me to work out how he's feeling. Then, I feel guilty about the way I feel, because he probably has things he's going through too, and just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean I have to dump all of my problems onto him-- he just wants to have a nice chat with his partner, not get trauma dumped on. But at the same time, I need some comfort, because I'm not getting it anywhere else, and I feel very alone right now, and he always makes me feel like A.) I'm not crazy, and B.) loved and okay.

Whenever the fighting between these two factions is at it's worst, I just feel sick to my stomach. Paralyzed. Like I don't even know who I am. Like I'm losing it. It takes me forever to make a decision because I have to decide which version of myself gets to make the decision, consider every outcome I possibly can. from both sides, and then maybe go with something.

I need to be honest. I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this, and that I don't know why. I hate that because I'm like this, i self-sabotage any chance I get, all in the name of protecting myself. I hate that the wolf part of me feels the need to filter everything I say, and the lamb makes me feel guilty for doing so. I hate how tired this back and forth makes me.

People look at me and see someone who has it together. They have no idea how hard I have to work to present that image. I have to script out every interaction I have, out in the wild, as best I can. Half of the time, I can't even listen to what people are saying, because I'm trying to think of the response they want to hear. I am always being tested and am terrified of failure. I filter so much of myself away so that I can be palatable to people who don't even text me to ask how I'm doing. And when I don't think, when I let go, then I freak out afterward. I lay awake at night, playing out scenarios of how what I did could possibly have been wrong, how it was a mistake to be myself, how I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my future and I'm just lying to everyone so that no one gets mad at me or is disappointed.