#so happy this zine motivated me to actually DO it

[glitzbot]

my contribution to the Bulkhead zine!! 💚💚 you can download the zine for free and see all the amazing work in it HERE!!

[prince-liest]

Omg, I just wanted to say I ADORE your characterization of Al and Vox! I don't even have the words to express how much I love reading your stuff, especially the Anon responses you post on here. The behind the scenes thoughts are literally my food, lifesource, its so good when people not only write characters IN CHARACTER, but also include stuff about their analysis/understanding of the character too.. I'm literally obsessed with breaking down characters and yk, cracking their chrome domes open to see how they work (which admittedly, I am not the best at <_< but I love reading them). Just wanted to say how much I love your writing. I had maybe 2 questions, please don't feel pressured to answer them :>

What in your mind (in reference to the 66.6 fics) would motivate Alastor to let Val get close to him in the first place? Or was that more you picking these two characters up by the scruff of their necks and plopping them into a hypothetical scenario to explore their character and write some fun intimate thingsTM?

What do you think of the dynamic of Vox and Al vs something like Lucifer and Al? Personally I've noticed that something Alastor craves, behind the mask of his static smiling persona, is attention. He's (at least how I saw it) usually peeved when people don't care about his absence, and seems especially bothered by the King of Hell refusing to really acknowledge him, so he goes out of his way to push Lucifers buttons (like calling himself a father figure to Charlie, IN FRONT OF HER ACTUAL FATHER LOL) whereas with Vox, Vox is literally CONSTANTLY thinking about Alastor. Man literally interrupted his regular TV program to do a segment about how much he totally didn't at ALL care about Alastors dissapearance or the fact that he returned (suree buddy). So Alastor can have more fun with him and annoy him by ignoring and messing with him on purpose.

ty if you do respond to this, sorry if it was hard to understand, sometimes I forget how to put the thoughts in my brain into coherent words!

Ahhhh, thank you very much, anon! I'm especially happy that you're enjoying my commentary on Tumblr, haha - I spent a while on Twitter because that's where all the fandom zines I was in were being hosted, but nothing beats Tumblr for giving me a nigh-unlimited word count and a captive audience for my rambling! >:D <3 I'm back to cocooning myself on the OG hell site.

Thank you for this ask, it really brightened my day! :D

As for your questions:

1. I'm assuming that was a typo and that you mean Vox (but in case you did mean Val: that was just a funny accident of him walking by the room! Alastor wasn't paying enough attention until it was too late), and to that I say:

I think Alastor allows Vox to take a go at him in canon because he finds Vox's obsession with him to be entertaining, but also because Alastor is kind of a narcissist and that same obsession massively feeds his ego, especially in a political climate that otherwise forgot about Alastor. Vox's whole "Who gives a shit about Alastor coming back?! Haha, now let me have a public meltdown and short out power to the whole city about it! Oh, fuck, why is he back, though?? Can we send a spy in to find out??" is exactly the reaction that Alastor wants every time he mentions his mysterious absence and gets brushed off.

At the same time, Alastor doesn't seem to register Vox as a sincere and genuine threat. He's a big enough fish in the Pride Ring pond that his obsession with Alastor is gratifying, but Alastor's self-absorption also doesn't really allow him to treat Vox as a threat tier above "annoying in a funny way, and also television is stupid." (Perhaps this will change in season 2... :eyes: (or perhaps Alastor will get Even Worse) (please god let him get even worse))

So those two things in combination make Vox the perfect candidate for Alastor to experiment with while maintaining his ego and not feeling particularly threatened. Despite Vox's Safeword 101 talk, Alastor would never put stock into that system with Vox unless he was certain that he himself would be able to back up a 'no' with overwhelming force. Him even considering safewords in the Live On Air! series is less for his own sake and more a politesse he offers on Vox's request to warn Vox to slow the fuck down before Alastor tries to put his insides on the outside.

2. And in direct contrast, we have Lucifer...

... Who Alastor obviously actually cares quite a bit about, because he's a whole nother power tier from both Vox and Alastor, and furthermore and possibly even more importantly, a credible threat to Alastor's relationships and standing in the hotel. I think a lot of discussion I see about Alastor prodding Lucifer seems to talk about how quickly he got annoyed about Lucifer's comments, but that misses the fact that he was pissed off before Lucifer even showed up. He got pissy the moment he saw the welcome sign, actually! And I wager that he was narratively absent for the scene where Charlie actually calls Lucifer because he would have done his best to manipulate her out of doing so had be been there.

And given that the two clearly haven't met before (though obviously Alastor knows of Lucifer - and hates that the inverse isn't true, hah), it's not 100% clear exactly why he's immediately so annoyed, but in my personal view of things and barring something like "he's projecting onto Lucifer because his contract is with Lilith," I think that what we know of Alastor's personality points most strongly to "he liked being the hotel's benefactor and sees it as His Project, and doesn't like the idea that Charlie called daddy for something that she thought mysterious, powerful Alastor couldn't handle." He distracts a lot with obviously-goading comments about practically being Charlie's dad in his duet with Lucifer, but underneath that he puts a lot of emphasis on the work he's done for the hotel and the fact that he's been supporting Charlie and the hotel from the start, so why the fuck is this deadbeat asshole suddenly turning up?!

Tl;dr: Charlie missed her insight roll on Alastor's personal investments and he's sooooo offended - and taking it out on Lucifer!

I think one of my favorite things about both Lucifer and Alastor is that they both sooo obviously belong in the Pride Ring, hahaha.

[monstermonger]

Hey!!

I have recently been going through a rough patch with my art. I am not enjoying or liking how I do linework and shading, and in order to remedy that, I'm collecting works from artists I like that I can study/re-imagine.

Your linework and composition is stunning 😍 and I am currently working on a reinterpretation of one of your pieces. This is the most fun I've had with a piece in a while. Beautiful work !! 👏 👏👏

....Er, I've been away from social media for quite a while, and even before that, I was behind on messages... I'm so sorry for my late responses to asks. I wanna say I appreciate ppl taking the time to send them, really :") thanks for the patience LOL

I'll try to condense this - respond to multiple in a single post. So I don't take up too much space in people's feeds.

so first of all @laurikarauchscat I'm sorry to hear you're in a rough patch, and I think your method of overcoming it is on the right track. At least, it's definitely something I do and it really helps me xD Most notably with all the Caspar David Friedrich-inspired pieces. As long as you give credit to the artists you're reinterpreting from (and asking is polite too, if they're an alive artist :D so yes thank you for asking) it seems perfectly fine to me to do so. Good luck and hope it goes well, I'm interested to see c:

More asks under the cut!

@blurred-antics thank you so much for the words ;b; it's validating to hear, since they're definitely emotions I have in mind while drawing lately. I lost both my parents in the last 2 years, and I've dumped a lot of feelings of grief/longing into my pieces since then, including ones that might seem rather cheerful and perfectly peaceful at a glance. I'm happy others can feel the bit of conflict under the surface-- I don't necessarily mind if my art comes across straightforward, since when throwing art into the public it must be accepted that everyone will interpret it how they want, but it does feel nice to know that some people sense the extra bits. Thank you again!

@kinnersonne thank you very much!! Definitely my favorite subjects at the moment c: You're very sweet.

@marinaaniseed I'm starting to get to ... quite old ones, and I worry this was a time-sensitive question :"D I'm very sorry if I'm too late.

First of all, thank you for asking! I'm honored people like my art enough they'd want it tattooed, it's pretty mind-blowing to me. I've actually had several people ask to use my art for tattoos the last few months and I think overall, I'm pretty okay with it. if you'd like to express support for my art for using it, then you're welcome to buy a print from my shop. It's not required, but it's very appreciated <3 Hope whatever you end up going for (whether my art or not in the end) goes well ^^

@wandersoffdoodling Aw, thank you T.T I'm happy they resonate with you! It's kind of my dream to finish some zines and some bigger projects in this sketchbook/journal art style. So that's very motivating to hear. Thanks again c:

@eldathe once again I apologize for how late I am to respond to questions that were intended to be very quick exchanges lol. First of all, thank you! :") I'm sure this is no longer relevant for how old this ask is, but in case you/(or anyone reading this) would still want to use it as a blog pfp or anywhere, yes, feel free, as long as there's credit somewhere visible! Thank you for asking <3

@starrforge thank you kindly, yours is great too :")

@herebesherlocks Aww thank you so much :") I'm honored it evokes that feeling.

@the-halcyon-effect 100 years later: thank you that's a huge honor to hear :"))))

[sakarrie-creates]

It’s that time of year! Here’s my 2023 art summary! After two years of having to include non-colored pieces, I finally did enough ‘full’ pieces to fill my art summary template! I did have to get a bit creative with the months since I was able to draw a LOT more during the summer, but I’ll take it! Sorry it's a bit blurry. I'm not sure if that's just for the preview or not, but it was a smaller file than normal and since these reflections are 99% for my own interest, I decided it wasn't worth trying to change.

As usual, I got rambly so reflection questions are answered under the cut. The template I used is available here in case anyone else wants to make their own! My fic summary will be coming in a week or so, so stay tuned for the stats and round-up there. :)

What events did you participate in (with art)? Player Appreciation Week, Fandom Trumps Hate, Dear Fellow Traveler (Animatic), Weird People (Editing), SPN Comfortably Queer Zine (dropped), and lots of zine applications for page artist, merch artist, comic artist, and spot artist roles!

What was your biggest challenge this year? While time, like last year, was still a challenge, I think my biggest challenge was a mix of low motivation and an intense perfectionistic mindset. At the start of the year, I got super into TOH and was super hyped about all the zines with apps opening. I really REALLY wanted to get into them and figured I should apply for art too just cause it would increase my overall chances of getting in. After the finale, I did a screenshot redraw that ended up being absolutely fantastic for where my skill level is. I went deeper into rendering than ever before, and somehow it worked for me. 

That probably was the start of my unreasonably high expectations, and I got it into my head that maybe if I could make a whole portfolio of artwork at that quality level, I actually stood a chance at getting into a zine as an artist. From then on, I was hardcore crash-coursing perspective, rendering techniques, and generally trying to improve without allowing room for mistakes. While I do think it helped me grow a lot, it burnt me out so I struggled to work on stuff past summary (when all the zine apps were) and even dropped from the SPN Comfortably Queer Zine cause my imposter syndrome was so strong. (Though that was also partially because it was a ‘sign-up and you’re in’ zine, so they never saw my art during the application process and had no way of knowing if I was good enough.

What was something you were surprised by? I’m pretty sure I discovered the perspective tool is CSP this year! CSP has so many tools I’m not aware of (despite watching tons of tutorials and guides), so it wasn’t super surprising but it was nice. I have to say, they’re a serious hassle to work with and require a higher understanding of vanishing points and such than I currently have, but I could see it being very useful for future scene art pieces.

Did you try anything new this year?

Yes! This year I kicked down the door to the merch world and have been collecting and designing throughout the year. Though the designs have mostly just been for zine app portfolio’s, everything has worked out really well for me and I hope to produce charms for my collection as I improve my skills. Where do you think you most improved? Definitely my confidence in rendering! And probably my rendering itself too. I did a ton more pieces with it this year and it’s definitely a favorite part of the art process for me. I think I’ll have a lot more fun with it this year too, since I’m trying to keep it lower pressure, so I can experiment more to find out what brushes and styles I like most. What are you most proud of? I think I’m most proud of how ambitious I was with my zine apps. Though I didn’t get into any for art and it burned me out a fair bit, I did a lot of hard work and made pieces I can be mostly happy with. As for specific pieces, I’m very proud of my animatic clip for the Dear Fellow Traveler MAP (which is what the Belos art from the summary is from). My portion was about 5 seconds with 24 fully colored and shaded frames. A few of those were moving frames too, so the end result is the closest thing to actual animation I’ve done. I also really like the rendering on the Huntlow Epilogue art and generally how the Steve&Matt hug turned out.

How’d this year compare to your 2023 goals? I honestly couldn’t remember what my goals were, but all things considered, I didn’t do too bad! Thankfully past-Sakarrie was wise and made it a bullet list so I can just check things off. Met: -Player Appreciation Week -Add to zine portfolio -Apply to at least one zine as an artist (fine if don’t get accepted) -Keep experimenting with backgrounds and shading -Pull out some old WIPs -Build more consistency of style

The checked off ones I definitely met, so good for me! This was a very zine-focused year, so I way exceeded those goals. The last two I did do, but they’re a bit subjective. Specifically, I think the ‘WIPs’ I was referring to were old sketches, but most of the old WIPs I revisited were already colored and I was either adding rendered or cleaning them up for zine usage. As for style, I’m REALLY bad at telling haha. That said, my characters seem reasonably similar when I draw them, so I’m going to tentatively count it. Kinda: -One fully colored piece per month

I’m gonna give myself a half check on this one. I didn’t have a fully colored piece every month, but I did have over 12 fully rendered pieces in the end, several of which had backgrounds. So while I didn’t meet the letter of the goal, I feel like I met the spirit of it.

Did Not Meet: -Finish Huntlow comic -30 minutes animatic digitalize rough draft -Maybe make some fanart of my favorite fics

These don’t shock me. They’re all personal projects and this was a very external-goal-driven year for me. The Huntlow comic is a big love of mine but it’s definitely ambitious for where my skill is. I’ve got the whole thing messy-sketched and most of it has been clean sketched, but the jump from that to lineart is gonna be hard, and I have no idea what I’d be doing with color since the panels don’t have a background. That said, I do feel like it’s some solid work and I adore the angst vibe of it, so maybe I’ll get it done one day. I could also see myself posting it as a messy lineart comic so that others could enjoy the concept being executed in case it never gets finished.

As for the 30 Minutes animatic, I still 100% intend to complete it eventually. I love the way it fits to the music and I’m so proud of the thumbnails. Even if it never becomes a full animatic, I want to digitize the frames and line it up with music so I can share the concept I see in my mind with others. My brain was somewhat overtaken suddenly by TOH this year, so now that that’s settled and I’m hoping to follow my muse more this year, maybe this will be something I can get excited about again.

The fanart for favorite fics is no surprise since it’s kinda the tack on. With low motivation and projects with deadlines that needed my focus, personal art like this was buried way below other priorities. It’s a nice though for sure though.

Alrighty then, now it’s time for 2024 goals!! Oh goodness, I really don’t know what to expect of myself. I definitely am going to try to allow for more personal projects with lower pressure, but I do still have some goals. Hopefully most can be accomplished without applying big pressure though.

2024 Goals:

-Number One Priority: Create for my and don’t put myself in a place to get crazy burnt out and still have requirements. If I meet this goal, then it’s okay if I don’t meet any of the others. (It would be sad.... But I would still count it as meeting overall goals.) -Participate in Summergen and PAW Week (Art or Fic) -Design Handplates charm as anniversary gift (November) -Design CS Charm -Have a fully usable Zine Portfolio (Currently need more merch samples and rendered pieces with backgrounds) -Apply to new TOH Zines or other loved fandom zines. If I end up getting into any, I can pull back, but since that doesn’t seem likely, I want to get into the habit of always being ready to apply with what I have. -Make an ongoing project list to pin to my tumblr. This applies mostly for fics, but that way people coming to my page can see what fandoms I’m actively creating for and what they can look forward to (as well as have an opening to ask questions if they’re interested). -Post more (at least 10 times throughout the year) and add my best pieces to instagram (8+ pieces by end of year). -Do ONE of the following:     1. 30 minutes digitized so it can be shared with music      2. Open Up Your Eyes fully thumbnail      3. Fanworks for other people’s fics      4. Participate in an extra bang or exchange with art      5. Design and manufacture a pin -Play with different brushes and rendering styles -Draw something from scratch every month, no matter how small -Not exactly art, but I want to have a finalized long-term merch display plan for all my items Overall, how’d the year go? I think I did well! I didn’t meet all my goals and I pushed myself too far, but I learned and improved a LOT this year. All things considered, I made pieces that last year me would be blown away by, so I think that’s an automatic win. I’m pretty uncertain on how this next year will go (even more so than last year, which is surprising since I was changing schools last year), but I’m hoping to enjoy what I do and create art semi-regularly. Here’s to 2024!

[kagender]

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in (if any that is)

OH! trust me, theres many. mostly animations, because theyre a LOOOONG process if i wanna do anything longer than a few seconds lol. a recent one (that isnt an animation) was a one-person zine project i wanted to do, based on this fake magazine cover i drew!

i had 4 pages done (although 2 i planned to rewrite because i was not too happy with the text i did initally), the flesh clinger pages i posted a few months ago being 2 of them! i also had rough ideas for 4 other pages that never really got past that thumbnail sketch phase, LOOK how cute this little tadpole is

my progress did go beyond the digital art world though, since i also bought 2 different types of printing paper (one for the covers and one for the actual pages) because i really wanted to have a personal physical copy for myself. i even did a test print of the cover, which turned out pretty neat, but unfortunately i didnt wait for the ink to properly dry and got my fingerprints all over it 😆 the reason why the project kinda fizzled out is because of other stuff getting in the way, this was a big undertaking and probably wouldve taken a month+ to finish, and im the kind of person who likes to do other stuff inbetween, not to mention commissions! so i got to work on it less and less until i just didnt have motivation for it anymore. i still want to make a zine someday. itd be a really cool physical thing to show off to peers. i just need ALL THAT TIME!

[usamamoweek]

Meet the Creators - RiverLethe

What username(s) and platform(s) can folx find you on? (Please include links!)

@riverlethe - I am on Tumblr and Ao3!

(Fun Fact) What is your favorite kind of potato?

Yes. If it is a potato, I will eat it (except for mayo-based potato salads - no thanks), and my preference absolutely depends on mood, but if I had to pick one.... Have you ever tried Chef John's Potatoes Romanoff? If the answer is no, go fix that right now! (add in crisped up pancetta before baking - you're welcome)

How long have you been creating works in fandom spaces? How long have you been active in the SM fandom?

If reading fanfic counts as being active in the fandom, I've been active, on and off, for a little over 20 years, but I didn't actually start writing fanfic until 2 years ago.

What type(s) of creative works do you usually make? (fanfics, digital art, cosplay)

Fanfics are my #1 contribution, but I also crochet. I made @linlamont's Sailor Rex plush based on her amazing artwork for her adorable story "Treasures", and I am currently working on a custom Sailor Rex for my 6 yo daughter. There are plans for a Tuxedo Rex and Tuxedo Kamen

What do you enjoy about creating for the SM fandom?

I love the sense of community and making friends within the fandom. Discussing and theorizing all things Sailor Moon is one of my favorite things! Plus, there is just so much to explore, both in canon and fanon

Are you strictly UsaMamo or do you create for other pairings as well?

I wrote a Kunz/Venus fic for Heavenly Pearl's/@kaleidodreams' first ever Rare Pair week, but I otherwise exclusively write for UsaMamo. Who knows, maybe I'll be inspired to create for another ship in the future. Never say never!

What inspires you to create works for Usagi and Mamoru?

The emotions! Everything these kids go through is dark, scary, intense, etc etc, and I love to explore how it affected them, how they're feeling in the moment, and how Usagi and Mamoru support each other through it.

Do you tend to work on multiple projects (WIPs) simultaneously or try to finish one at a time?

Ideally, I would work on one WIP at a time, but with my ongoing story Once More, with Feeling!, I always have multiple going on. While I normally don't mind putting OMwF aside for a OS or two, I haven't updated it in almost a year, which I feel really bad about, so I am trying to put any new ideas on hold right now so I can get Chapter 13 done. OMwF will eventually update, I promise!

Do you prefer large projects (chaptered fics, webtoons/zines, highly detailed art) or small projects (one-shots or simple art)?

I love how much of a story can be explored and fleshed out in a chaptered fic, but, for fans, they can be daunting to start reading if you aren't there from the very beginning (depending on length), and there is always that ever present nemesis: time. As a writer, I like the regular engagement with the community that posting new chapters allows, but writing as I go can be very stressful, especially when motivation just isn't striking. For OSs, I love that ability to focus on one small part of the characters' lives without needing to generate a lot of backstory or lore. Will I do another Chaptered fic once OMwF is finished? Probably, I do want to continue into R, but I will hopefully take everything I've learned working on OMwF (it's my very first ever fanfic!) into the sequel so I'm a little more prepared.

Are there any common themes, situations, tropes, or mediums in your work?

Angst and Romance are probably the most common as I love the emotional impact the angst imparts and how Usagi and Mamoru support each other through it. Honestly, I find the original anime (and the manga to a lesser extent) a bit emotionally stunted, so I absolutely love fics that elicit emotions, in me, either happy, sad or anything in between!, and I strive to do that for my readers. With any luck, I succeeded!

Is there anything you haven’t explored artistically and would like to try?

If I could draw, I would totally do art. I am in awe of what artists can create through their medium and would love to be able to visually see what so many of us use words to describe, but, alas, I'll stick to crocheted dinosaurs with odangos! Regarding writing, I have more OSs in mind for stories and ideas I haven't explored yet, and maybe I'll actually learn some restraint and create chaptered fics that aren't 12+ chapters long at 5k-12k words each. Anything is possible! (Except for me and art. Not gonna happen)

[thegoldenshi-shi]

Oh my..I didn’t even realize it has been a month since I have spoken! I did not think it had been that long, maybe 15 days or so, but not a month! I apologize so much, I had thought it had been much shorter of a time and I had planned to speak in maybe a week from then, but life got in the way.

But anyways, I have just been mingling around, relaxing or working. I will reveal that I am not an adult yet, but work still takes up a lot of my time. Along with trying, for my first time, AU August Writing Challenge so that’s taken up my time as well. I hope you don’t mind.

At the moment I just finished work and are going to see my auntie at a camping site. I will admit that I am very eh about that as I have just finished work and want to relax and sleep, but my mom had convinced me haha. I don’t think going to a camping site will be good as I am in shorts (short shorts to be exact) and this time of year there is a lot of miskitos out so I am sure I am going to get bit, unfortunately.

Other than that, my summer has been pretty relaxed and quiet, not really doing anything but having no motivation to get up and move. These days I mostly read, write, listen to music and work. I am also going on a vacation tomorrow, so that is exciting!

The Zine that you and I are in has been going good as well, my art piece is finished but I’m deciding not to hand it in until later incase I want to change something or want to touch up on it a bit. I noticed you handed yours in though, and I love it a lot! The butterfly glowing on Optimus’s finger is such a nice touch, and the colours!! The colours are so well picked out and go well together, and I love the shading, and the background as well, it’s really unique! ^^

Other than me, I love your recent art pieces! The Lambo-verse art was funny, I giggled when I saw it. Sunstreaker looks very confused while Sideswipe looks intrigued! Of course, I love your little persona (?) wearing a detective hat haha! It was a nice touch. As well as the show down art! Oh my did I love reading that, Sunstreaker, against Mirage? That’ll be fun to read/watch about. I love your Mirage design as well, I don’t think I’ve said that. I love his looks and how elegant he looks in your style, especially when he looks at Sunstreaker and says ‘and notoriously cocky.’ It just makes my heart jump because as much as I love Sunstreaker, your Mirage has a special place in there as well.

The rest of your art I unfortunately don’t know much about in terms of their fandoms and all that, but I really love the Multiverse Vistas content piece! The gold with darker colours just makes it..pop out more and become the centre of the piece while not being overwhelming, and the glowing of the eyes drags you to them as if in a trance, even if they are not real. You make them seem so real it’s unbelievable! Actually, as it’s you, it is believable, all your art pieces are wonderful and seem real in their own little ways.

The Sunstreaker with the gum was also a great piece that I enjoyed. Sunstreaker really is a beauty and beautiful, even when he is grumpy haha, I still love him a lot.

I would say more but it is currently 2:44AM and I’m going on a vacation tomorrow! I won’t have much data unfortunately, but I am only gone for a week so that is fine. Sorry for not messaging for a bit, I did not intend for it to take that long and I hope my next message will be in a shorter time, but we shall see. It was great messaging you, Shi-Shi, I can’t wait to speak to you again. Have a great day/night!

Hello there Meister~ (I'm reasonably certain it's you anyway) It has been a while hasn't it? No worries on the time though, real life is a thing, so I'm happy to hear from you whenever you have the time.

Minus your work, it sounds like you're having a fun, relaxing summer~ I've never heard of Au August, but the concept would be a fun challenge to work on. I'm pretty sure that this is too late, but I advise going with fresh basil to a campsite. Rubbing fresh basil on your skin is a natural and nice-smelling way to keep mosquitos off you. I have baby skin that panics at anything I try to put on it, so I like using the basil leaves instead of a chemical repellant. Downside is you'll smell faintly of Italian food.

So far as the Zine goes, I won't lie I kind of wanted to keep mine back too for the same reasons. BUT. I was afraid I'd forget to post it since life has been kind of demanding and tiring. It shames me to admit I was late on another zine's final submission.

I'm very happy to hear that you liked my Optimus though, I really hope that Mr. Cullen likes it too when he gets the zine....

Mirage vs Sunny makes me so excited! I had the idea randomly one day and went !gasp! How had I not thought of it before?

I designed Mirage to be "old/moonlight glamour" vs Sunstreaker's "new/sunshine glamour" so I'm happy that that came across to you. Mirage is a special bean to me as well. I enjoy Sunstreaker, but I think it's good to take him down a notch or two once in a while and Mirage is perfect for that job. (It's alright though, I make sure he gets pictures like the bubblegum one to keep him satisfied)

I had a lot of fun working on the Multiverse Vistas piece. It took longer than usual to do, with all the layers I used on the character, but it was an interesting challenge. I didn't win anything for it (unless I placed in the popularity category which is doubtful at this point) but I'm flattered that you found Nanook to be compelling.

I always look forward to asks from my lovely anons, but take your time and don't worry about me. Like I've said before, I'll be here when you have time/want to talk. I hope you have a good vacation and a good day/night.

[milaza]

nine years of drawing with a digital art tablet baeby! i have some older traditional/non-tablet digital pieces as well but i dunno what year they’re from. i’ll make a more complete yearly progress chart next year.

overall, i’m pretty okay with things considering it’s just a hobby.

it’s still a bit frustrating to see that i peaked with pretty stuff in 2018, but as i said before i’ve improved a lot more in other ways and i don’t think i’d be happy with myself if i kept just drawing pretty faces with boring compositions.

before i compiled this, my feeling was that i thought i did really well in 2020. but that was just the year my posts did well on social media (did well for ME). looking back, there wasn’t really anything complete and unique that i liked a lot. and i thought i kinda flopped in 2021 ‘cause i didn’t post all that much, but i’m really happy with my output that year TBH. i want to draw more fun scenes and pictures with deep feelings!

the time i spend on a complete piece has decreased a lot because i’m more concerned with having an interesting atmosphere over making sure the rendering and anatomy is perfect. also, i’ve just gotten quicker at drawing overall. i always try to keep it under 10 hours nowadays unless it’s got lineart... that shit makes it take so much longer orz.

2022 kinda felt like a flop again, aw man. i kinda forgot that i spent a good part of the early year drawing a whole korekiyo dojinshi? i felt really down about it at the time since i was utterly unmotivated (it’s fucking korekiyo i don’t know how i cared enough about him to draw a whole comic about him), but now i’m like... woah... people actually enjoyed that? i sold out of all 28 copies i had printed, so now i’m considering reprinting it again. who knows...

anyway i got an ipad this year and started using procreate so i sketched a good bit more. i finished dai gyakuten saiban, got motivated by my chemical romance, and completed a bunch of stuff i was pretty proud of in a single week. unfortunately completing dai gyakuten saiban also made me fall in love with barok van zieks for some reason so i basically spent the second half of the year just drawing self-ship art and van zieks pr0n. it’s not even crap worth posting.

i feel like i didn’t complete or post that much (at least on my main account) because of that. but actually, i always forget i have more finished pieces for zines that i don’t post... idk if i should admit it but i use zines as a way to motivate myself to finish stuff honestly. i think without that i’d flop even more and not get me to draw anything... but i will stop doing that from now on because i don’t feel satisfied with my artistic output drawing for zines. bleh.

last year i was obsessed with making dojinshi and this year i got into merch stuff since i was tabling at a convention for the first time, but honestly...! it’s a pain in the ass!!! i don’t want to bother with maintaining an online store and i don’t want to create products for the sake of creating products so i’m only gonna make what i personally want from now on.

so i spent 75+ hours rendering a barok van zieks dakimakura.

I WANT TO THROW UP!!! IT’S SO SICKENING TO ME THAT THE PIECE I’VE SPENT THE MOST TIME ON EVER IS A FUCKING VAN ZIEKS DAKIMAKURA!!!! HE’S NOT EVEN IN MY TOP 5 ACE ATTORNEY CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!! preorder link in my bio btw.

that was just 2 weeks ago basically, but i felt so fucking ill about it. luckily i finished off the year with a nice complete drawing so i’m happy and i love myself again ^_^

i want to focus on 3D art next year, draw more complete scenes, get around to my drawing idea backlog... get into some new fucking media because i am sick of that white man cursing me for the past six months. yep yep!

[kin-n-n]

Look who's crawling out of their blanket cave of misery! Thanks for the tag @busymagpie, let it be stated that I rarely do any of these because I rarely get any and if I do I start but don't finish them and they end up rotting away in my drafts...so congrats, I guess?

3 Ships:

Oh man this is so hard for a multifandom enjoyer of any kind of ships there are too many, how dare you make me try and cram the multitude of joy bringing character dynamics I have into just three single ships!? What I can say is I'm in my gen ship era so predominantly batfam (especially Dick and Jason, Tim and Jason and just Bruce being a good Dad) Then there's the qpr of the core4 teen titan members because they make me melt into a happy puddle of warmth.

I also got dragged into the Hell that is the Call Of Duty fandom because my brain decided that was a good idea?! And I have an especially soft spot for Rudy/Alejandro

First Ship:

Okay, so this is going to be a very obscure one that no one knows and I'm not sure if I was actually actively shipping them because this was the first Anime I watched way back when and I just thought they were neat but it's the big brother character and his roommate I believe(it's been so long even I can't really remember) from Cheeky Vampire.

Last Song:

Waltz No. 1, Collapse – Hikaru Shirosu

I'm sick and alone at home so I needed something soothing to accompany this dreary winter day.

Last Movie:

I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a while some time ago and we spontaneously decided to go watch Black Adam because I had been really hyped for it and it was airing and she couldn't resist my puppy dog eyes ehehe It was a real fun watch

Currently Reading:

Err...Technically...The Silmarilion but I somehow just can't find my way into it no matter how much I want to. Probably should've started with LotR instead...but aside from that the Jason Todd Zine I ordered came in the mail and I've been enjoying all the wonderful fanfic, if that counts?

Currently Watching:

Hmmm, nothing really. I started a re watch of Mob Psycho 100 recently but didn’t finish it. There is a Anime I'm waiting on that's going to air in late January I wanna watch it's about two detective/assassin type characters that find a child and have to take care of her and the found family feels is exactly my vibes ><

Also, I am determined to watch The Untamed for real this time, as soon as I'm better and not so swamped with uni work!

Currently Consuming:

Leftover crepes from yesterday's breakfast

Currently Craving:

Health, because I've almost chocked/suffocated to death way too much over the last week and maybe after I'm better a bit more motivation so I can finish important uni projects that are overdue and also start doodling a bit on the side again

No pressure tagging @swanfloatieknight and @ed-teach

[imagymnasia]

personal yelling below the cut, feel free to keep scrolling. I just need to be sappy and hopeful for like two seconds before The Despair tries to take me again.

So first, some context I guess.

I've always loved books; always been a storyteller. And when I realized that writing was something anyone could do, the entire world opened up. (Shout out to my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Nutzman. I owe you my life.) And for a long while I wrote for the joy of it, you know? Just because I could. Just because I had stories that needed to be told. Sometimes the story was profound or about processing deep emotion, and sometimes it was making a self-insert OC and kissing your childhood cartoon crush.

You know. Like you do.

And then I graduated and went to college and learned about the world and (for a multitude of reasons that would take me a book to explain fully) I gave up. I lost it. My muse, my motivation, my spark, whatever you want to call it. It was just gone. I stopped writing, I hit the wall, and all that shiny-eyed wonder and joy and purpose simply vanished.

Years pass. I try again, sometimes, but it never sticks. I can't recapture what I had, but neither can I make it anew. I try again. I fail. I try agan, but with less optimism. I fail.

I stop trying.

Fast forward to the pandemic, and discovering a fandom that inspired me so much I started writing fanfic again. I hadn't written fanfic in 20+ years. Hell, I'd barely written ANYTHING since the early 2000s. And it feels good! I'm on a roll. I join zines, I slap stuff on AO3, I trade headcanons with my buddies. It was great! But it wasn't enough. People leave. Fandom fizzles. ButI keep trying.

And I burn out. Again. And I quit. AGAIN.

Then FFXIV took hold of me and I give it one last shot. Just a little; just a TASTE. It's not even writing, I tell myself, as I give my character backstory and watch as she slays gods and falls in love. It's just for me and like one other person, anyway. (Hi, Haj! You are the Newt to my Herman, the Sain to my Kent, and I forever adore you.)

And it's fine. At this point in my story, I'd given up on Writing, but I could play in my little sandbox. Whatever dregs of happiness I could find in my pretend world were enough. Honestly, I was just happy to be imagining again.

And THEN I found more XIV fans, and god help me but they cared? About my character? About her story? About ME? And the fans became friends. And then we started writing together. And then we made a small writing group together. And somehow in the two decades since I decided I was going to Be a Writer I was actually for-real writing again.

So here we are at present day and we're trading fics and talking about poetry and doing writing challenges and sharing prompts and building resources and ??????

[The writer pauses here because she is once again overcome with emotion because the profundity of what is happening hits her all over again.]

...

You know, I was trying to be witty and articulate about this but I just gotta say it: I'm so happy.

I'm so fucking happy it hurts, because this is all I've ever wanted. All I have ever truly wanted was to find a group of friends who love this as much as I do. Who want to write, who want to create, who care what other folks are doing and working on and creating, who cheer for each other and lift up the things we make and say This is Good. This Matters.

Not all of us want to be capital-w Writers (in fact I may be the only one? One of two? I don't know and I haven't asked and that's on me) but the fact that we all came together because this thing that brings me, personally, so much joy ALSO does that for the rest of us? It gives me hope. It is inspiring and beautiful and I am not at all exaggerating when I say that sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotion just because our little writing corner exists that it brings me to tears.

I'm crying right now.

Community matters. Art matters. And for the first time in my life those two things have finally intersected in this wonderful awkward beautiful messy imperfect incredible space, with people I care about and trust with my whole heart, and I am so

fucking

happy

that I truly do not have the proper words to convey what it means to me.

I feel like I've found a little piece of myself again, a piece I have long neglected and ignored and told it didn't matter---all because it only ever mattered to me, and that just wasn't enough. Dreams long since dead are rising up again; for they were never dead actually, they were just sleeping and now that season is over and it's time to grow again.

So while I'm processing a lot of Big Dark Scary Things right now, I am also thinking of the Good, and holding to hope and defiance and beauty in the face of all that. And I'm going to keep creating, because to do otherwise would be to turn my back on the things that make me, me; to give up is to let Big Dark Scary win, and I refuse to let it take these things from me again.

I don't really know how to end this so I guess I'll just say it's really nice to have direction again, and to have people to share it with. I don't talk about this stuff irl and there are a myriad reasons why that I won't get into.

So. I guess if you're in the group and you've read this then thank you.

It feels weird to thank people for this but I'm truly grateful to each and every one of you. Thanks for being a bright spot in a dark world and giving me a place to actually, fearlessly, be my fucking self. It may seem like a small inconsequential thing but I promise you, it's not.

That's all.

I'm going to go have another cry and eat snacks, now.... and then? Then I will write.

Ioj out.

[borbersk]

Dude, that first picture is from their st Patrick's day show. I was there and the story behind it is so indicative of nick's sense of humour

He stopped between songs to ask who was wearing green for St Patrick's day, and of course like, half the people cheered. I'm sitting there rolling my eyes, because I figure he's just doing crowd service, but hoping he's about to say something funny, and fuck if this man has ever let me down on that hope to this day

He instantly launches into a monologue about how they're all sheep, following along with stupid traditions and they look like idiots. Classic nick. But then, when he's finished, the stupid Swedish bastard (sidenote: one of the nicest men you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting in your life) starts a basic drum beat, and nick steps away from the mic, and starts to strip

You see where that went, but what isn't pictured is when he called "the hairiest, sweatiest man in the audience" up and puts the bikini on him! Cockface, as he was then dubbed, spent the rest of the show running through the crowd causing havoc, and we were told to kiss his shoulders for good luck. Later, when nick felt we hadn't been fulfilling our duties to the necessary standard, he called a representative up from the crowd to kiss cockface's shoulders 17 times to make up for it

This was the first of two back-to-back shows (three for me. Days and daze had played the cambie the night before. Marco, the ssb, had played in the opening band that night, and ended up playing five sets in three nights). We spoke to nick afterwards and when he heard that I had come all the way from ireland he managed to get myself and my friend from oregon on the guest list for the second night.

Another sidenote: I gave nick a gift of a zine from my local scene as I knew he had an interest in different cultures and how they experience punk. He told me months later that he still has it in his office, which made me so incredibly happy. That's one of the trinity of main reasons I love the dreadnoughts. They actually give a fuck about their fans

Anyway, after I gave him the zine nick offered me to wear the bikini that night, which he had saved and set aside by the drumkit (it's possible I misunderstood. It was pretty loud but I thought his gesture was fairly clear). I didn't manage to get on stage in time in the end, but did get to dance with them during "cider cider cider cider", which was nice. I should have asked Steve to play the mandolin, though. Either way, that whole trip was an absolute dream come true, and the dreadnoughts will remain my favourite band for the foreseeable future, because they are just so fucking good at everything they do. Like, seriously. Fan service, live shows, lyrics, music, vocals, merch, they just have no weak points. Nick is very much a role model for my stage presence and as a band they're probably my biggest influence and motivation. Such nice dudes generally and I hope to fuck I haven't seen the last of them. Plus, what other band apart from turbonegro can boast a fanbase like I.D.E.A.?

Keep listening to them mad bastards and supporting all they do. Fuck knows they deserve it

photos of The Dreadnoughts in drag from their March 18 substack post

When you are walking down Commercial drive in Vancouver looking for something goofy or fun to wear for a show on St. Patrick’s Day, you don’t necessarily expect to suddenly come upon a pure green, sequined bra and belly-dancer’s skirt in a window.  In such a moment, you turn to yourself and ask: how committed am I to entertaining this crowd tonight?

[…] Before the end of the night, the audience had stuffed more than $80 into the bra I was wearing.   I started to wonder whether music wasn’t really my true calling… 

[myebi]

Well 2020 was one kind of a year...

I feel like my art hasn’t improved in a very noticeable way in terms of style and skill but I did have the courage to jump into projects I had never done before. It was my first year participating to zines (5 in total, with 3 for charity), making a comic driven october drawing challenge and planning a future merch collection. I also managed to gather myself up and seriously tackle Dreamers’ outline and came out with something solid for the future of the project, which I’m ecstatic about. It was hard to find the motivation or inspiration throughout the year but I am grateful for what I have and proud of doing my best given the circumstances. I also know I was very lucky to remain healthy, well-surrounded and comfortable this year, because it would have felt way too lonely without my family to support me and I know not everyone has that chance.

Lots of plans ahead for 2021 for me, more than I had imagined, but one thing my anxious brain learned this year after stepping out of my comfort zone little by little is that all it takes is a little moment of courage.

Thank you for your support!! I can’t wait to continue working on everything I’m preparing even though the job includes working on so many things I can’t actually show right away T__T Please stay safe, healthy and hopeful. It’s because nothing matters that everything you do you should do for your happiness and sense of fulfillment if you can.

Stay inspired and happy holidays 💛

[bonvoyagenoona]

yuugehn said 10

if you’re comfortable with sharing, i’d like to know more about your journey~ were you a writer throughout high school? & then come college, decided it was time to put your head down & focus on the super-serious adult-y stuff like school & work?

actually…how did writing become your first love? you mentioned being closed off from your own emotions…did your love for writing start with a journal? what inspired you to start writing fanfiction? & what gave you the courage to start sharing it? i have so many questions lol. but again, only if you’re comfortable sharing.

Hi, friend! I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately and am always excited to share! 

You absolutely hit the nail on the head. I read and wrote a LOT growing up. Yes, journaled a ton. Watched a ton of TV and movies as well. I started writing fanfiction pretty early because I always wanted to extend stories past the page. Writing also became a communal thing; I swapped Backstreet Boys and Harry Potter fanfiction with friends! From there, I organically looked up how to write newsletters and scripts and zines and all sorts of different kinds of works. 

I don’t think posting is scary, maybe because I’ve always wanted to share stuff on a large scale. I wanted to go to film school for college, but my parents wouldn’t allow it. I ended up in psychology, which I’m super thankful and wouldn’t trade for anything. I found other ways to scratch the writing itch, like always choosing to do videos for presentations, and writing scripts for my friends to act out. But to build my career, I had to focus on grad school and work. I ended up compartmentalizing in order to have that focus. Now, I’m luckily in a spot where I can devote a little more time to hobbies, and getting into BTS was such an immersive process that I felt inspired all over again!

i think your bts story is just so wonderful – i’m truly grateful to them not only for saving me from my grief last year (in fact, i sent them a thank you card…where it actually ended up, i’ll never know), but also for waking you up(!) & motivating you to get back in touch with you. otherwise, we wouldn’t get to experience your talent as a writer, & that would’ve been lamentable.

You are way, way, wayyyy too kind! I’m so glad that BTS was able to bring us both energy and comfort in ways that we needed it. And that they continue to do so, through entertaining and inspiring us. I’d like to believe that they received your thank you card and treasure it deeply, maybe even reflecting on your message and similar ones from ARMY when times get tough for them, too. In fact, I’ve decided that’s what happened, and no one can say otherwise. 💜

“so much to ponder.” well if this isn’t me in a nutshell haha. i came across a video today of emma watson sharing her thoughts in an interview about why we make turning 30 such a big deal – she said that there is a lot of pressure to achieve major “milestones” by 30 (have a stable career, get married, buy a home, have a kid, you get it).

I SAW THAT EMMA WATSON VIDEO RECENTLY AS WELL! It was on ig, yes? And I so relate! It’s been so hard to talk to friends about this, mostly because they’ve stayed on that track to certain milestones. I was telling Roomie / @mochilatae today that I just don’t see those milestones in front of me, and even though I don’t want those milestones, it has still been a bit of an un-learning / mourning process to let those expectations go. 

& i think we do go through that phase where it’s like oh shit, oh shit, i gotta get my shit together. maybe we focus so hard on future security that we forget about what makes us happy in the present? until something wakes us, whether it’s loss or bts or alone time in a pandemic, a combination of these things or something else entirely…like hello, you don’t live in the future, you live in the now & now is really all you have…

You’re so right about this! Living in the present and coming out of the other side of the un-learning has brought so much joy. Those tricky expectations. Helpful when setting goals, but life isn’t always about setting goals. It’s about living.

so much to ponder over this one life we’re given. when i die, my ultimate, fervent wish is to know the truth of everything. like the ravenclaw i am.

OK, yep, we’re buds. Also a Ravenclaw. And now, I picture us having these conversations in the common room! I feel you on this. If your fervent wish is to know the truth, my fervent wish is to get to experience a little bit of everything, and to share my thoughts about them. Cool to connect with someone over that kind of hunger!

i’m not sure what time zone you’re in but i’m on pt & it’s 10:49pm here & i hope you had a lovely day full of lovely ponderings~ p.s. i have a 2.5” thicc book called “the secret language of birthdays” & it has a profile for every. single. birth. day…it’s just great. xd

I have had a busy week, but today has been a wonderful day of pondering, with a perfect nightcap of reading your lovely messages. I’m in US central time, and it’s 12:41 AM, and I’m very glad to imagine you on the west coast nearly hitting the same time as when you sent this message, hopefully unwinding for a perfect Saturday night. Sending you smiles and wishes for wonderful dreams!

[redxblueihateloveyou]

it's not just kids calling adam/tadashi abusive, i've seen adults say the same thing, even fans of adam, that it's abusive and rapey, i'm not sure how to feel because i disagree but their posts sound very authoritive :/

Meanwhile Utsumi is out there like gushing about these two 24/7 bc they’re her faves and says stuff like “originally Tadashi was supposed to say “Woof” after “You’re gonna be my dog for the rest of their lives”, but it didn’t make to the final cut, I thought about his face expression a lot in that moment, but the only thing I was absolutely sure of is how utterly happy he was about what Adam said.” and explains for absolute morons that what Adam said about framing Tadashi was just a bullshit to test him lmao

I once again do not know why people don’t get that this ships thing is that they’re literally what another needs and despite the fact that they both have their own problems, they’re each other’s way out. Because Adam wants Tadashi to learn to stand up for himself, while Tadashi wants Adam to learn that love should bring happiness, not pain. If you don’t want complicated characters, once again, watch smth with a rating 5+ instead. Complicated and problematic characters are not always villains and some adult relationships are definitely not an abuse, if they’re canonically into power play. 

Also I don’t know how a person who so carelessly throws words like “rapey” can be considered “sounding authoritive”, but I highly recommend to try forming your own point of view, based on facts/observations and your own experience. Also in books for example there's always easier to get characters motives, bc they give you to say the whole picture, so depends on how many you’ve read you can learn to detect it without it “being explained to you” pretty easy. If you don’t have such skill or don’t want to develop it, you can wait for the creator’s commentary, you can usually get it to many animes/mangas these days, they will tell you what they meant by some scenes and about their thought process, while creating it, who, why and where. Of course not every creator has that much love and attention to their characters and story, there are some where the creators also know nothing about their character, besides what was shown, but Utsumi is not one of those, so you can always be ready, that if she picked a fave, she thought everything through from the very beginning.

Also this fandom (and pls normal SK8 fans, do not take offense in this, I mean I’m technically also in this fandom, although not really since I had to create just a bubble and don’t go anywhere else, since it’s that bad) is like 90% absolute the most painfully idiotic ppl I’ve ever seen, who can’t even read between the lines and say the dumbest stuff I’ve ever heard, that is so embarrasssing, that they make you embarrassed about even being part of this, and 50% of them are too young to even get stuff, that wasn’t meant for them to get, so just, for real, I’m just suggesting the same thing I did, for your own health, pick ppl for your tl, whose brains are intact and do not even go “out there”, like, you’re only gonna get mad. I mean, if ppl who aren’t even in the fandom get mad about stuff they write, you’re gonna be mad x2 and sadly you can’t do anything about this amount of stupidity, rarely stuff like this do happen to some fandoms. Yes, you can’t enjoy this one, sadly. I tried, but I just felt, like I’m getting more and more mad, until I just sat down and cleaned everything on my tl and was like “that’s it, I’m not in the sk8 fandom, I’m in my own fandom it’s called “his dog by day, his snake by night” lmao

And yes, it did in fact happen after I found out that the girl behind that “concerning adam” absolutely moronically formulated shit that was part of the zine was 23 years old. I think my eyes popped out like in a cartoon, bc everyone who was involved in this drama, wrote stuff like “can i make fun of them or are they 14″, thinking they’re just well, you know, young, but then were shocked too xD. I just wish this person/ppl just wrote “we excluded Adam bc we’re too dumb to get his character we hate him”, at least I’d respect you for your honesty in this case. But no, you had to dig your own grave and become the new official representative of “SK8 fandom is the dumbest”. Congrats really.

I do not know, if ppl lie about their age or not when it comes to those. If not and they’re really adults who think so, it’s fascinating really. Fascinating how this fandom got all the idiots in once. I mean, being a stupid fandom of teens is one thing, being a stupid fandom in general is just sad.

Am I sad that so little ppl got the actual plot and the message creators tried to send? Yes, absolutely. Not the first time tho it happens, with Utsumi’s faves especially, but also in general these days. It is very sad, I agree, but also, I just really started to feel bad, bc I saw some comments and felt like that meme guy, you know: “what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.” lol

So just find someone who posts the good stuff and doesn’t get involved, listen to VAs, read creator’s interviews and live happily ever after, bc they adore both Adam and Tadaai. They literally told in the last interview what I was telling under my YT vid. This is just also hilarious to me, bc to be honest Tadaai situation wasn’t even that hard to analyse in the first place, even without the creators commentaries. Like we’re not on a Cannes Film Festival here.

And once again you can like or dislike Adam, it’s your choice, ppl have different tastes, but writing the most utterly idiotic things about his character that make no sense whatsoever, considering the canon story, is just plain moronic. Just say that you don’t like him, and pls, don’t embarrass yourself.

[kriscynical]

I have finally thrown in the towel and gone back on Welbutrin.

If you're considering the need to go back on your meds, take this as a sign from the universe that yes, you do indeed need to and you have nothing to prove to anybody.

This turned into mental health word vomit nobody is going to care about so I'm putting it under a cut to save your dashes.

After having the health crisis in 2009 that left me with the permanent nerve damage I'm still dealing with followed by one of my best friends throwing me under a bus and gaslighting me about it, I started struggling with my mental health. When my middle sister passed away from breast cancer in January 2010 I destroyed myself trying to be The Strong One for my parents, letting my cup run so dry it cracked and broke.

I spent the next 7 years at the bottom of a hole, the last four or so on Welbutrin that helped quite a bit but not completely. My personal art output was absolute zero. I lost my 20's to it, basically.

I finally pulled myself out of it when I renovated the room across from my bedroom into my studio and got into Yuri on Ice in late 2016 because I had something to focus on, get excited about, and be inspired by. I pumped out 40 new pieces of art in 2017 because of it, I was getting regular interaction with people, my blog was growing again, and it was fantastic. I was an art machine. I came off of the Welbutrin in Spring 2016. I was happy for the first time in years.

Anybody still in the YoI fandom knows that well has been bone dry for a few years now; most of our crops withered if not died completely, and fandom policing bullshit made creating fanart for it far less desirable for me. I started slipping.

Then 2018 happened. My oldest sister passed away in February from liver failure. The day after we buried her ashes next to my middle sister in the family plot, we found out our dog, Sushi, had late stage lymphoma at only 9 years old. Her face had barely even begun to get a dusting of white. We lost her that July. I slipped some more. I came out of that year holding on to the edge of that hole by the tips of my fingers, but I was proud that I hadn't fallen back in completely.

Then 2020 happened. On March 13 my life upended and my sole focus became keeping my high risk parents safe from Covid, becoming their caregiver and doing absolutely everything for them that involved interacting with people or going out in public. In the last 14 months I've only gone to the pharmacy and chiropractor. That's it. We've been having our groceries delivered via a wonderful woman named Katelyn through Dumpling. Quarantine has aged me by at least five years at this point if the lines on my face are any indication.

Then my uncle was diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer over the summer and the traumatizing hell of trying to care for him here at our house -- on top of the added stress of having a CONSTANT parade of nurses, hospice people, and chaplains coming through the house because of it in the middle of a pandemic I was working so hard to protect my parents from -- was a body blow that included a dissociative episode. He passed away in October 2020.

I was finally able to get myself and my parents vaccinated through the county health department at the end of March 2021, which was a Thing all unto itself because of their system fucking things up.We got our second dose toward the end of April and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but the damage was already done.

My personal art output has been zero for almost two years at this point. The last piece of fan work I actually finished that wasn't for a client, zine, or gift was in October 2019, it didn't even get 200 notes, nobody seemed to care or even notice that I had been basically MIA online in the last two years (save for maybe three people), so I lost the sliver of motivation I still had left. Let me repeat that:

I haven't finished any personal artwork that wasn't for a client, zine, or gift since October 2019. It's now May 2021.

At the beginning of April I finally said fuck it, I give up, and emailed my doctor asking for a new script for Welbutrin. While I'm not as godawful miserable emotionally as I was back when I started taking it originally (although it's on its way down that road), I am back to being completely unmotivated to do much of anything let alone produce new art. I have ideas. I just don't have the motivation to sit down and execute them.

As I've said several times before, I have to create in order to feel worthwhile. Interaction with people online when I post my work helps me stay in a good place mentally because I'm human and humans need positive interaction and just a sense that we're seen and matter. It's a nasty spiral because once it started seeming that hardly anybody cared about my work anymore or even noticed when I disappeared, that finished the job of killing my motivation. I know art should be made for yourself but like I said, I'm human and I'm just being honest here instead of trying to bullshit anybody. What's the point of posting if it's seemingly just going into the void?

I'm tired of being in that rut of a mindset and languishing in that bad headspace, so I'm trying to help myself out of it before I hit the bottom of that hole again. I never want to go back there, but I'm damn close at this point.

At least the Welbutrin is making me lose weight because it's killed my appetite.

[aiviloti]

my 2020 fic writer wrap-up!!

this is going to be incredibly long (a total of 1.1k lmao) so imma put a cut here, but basically thank you for being here all throughout my 2020! i appreciate you all very much <3

fav kind of fic to write:

i love writing about mutual pining slow burn process of getting together but i have NEVER WRITTEN ONE IN MY LIFE so i hope to change that in 2021

in 2020 i discovered??? humour??? so i enjoy writing about that and when people tell me i’ve succeeded in making them laugh it’s all 😳😳😳 for me

hardest fic to write but also most proud of:

to write you a song was a fic i struggled with from all of april to june which is very long?? to me??? considering i usually sit down and write things in one seating. fully fleshed ideas don’t usually take me thaaaaaat long to crunch out, but for some reason i struggled bad with this bc I really didn’t know where i was going w it lol

LA LA LAND gets an honorary mention of it’s own simply because it was 44k, and it took me all of july-september, but it’s something i still am proud of! to show how difficult it was to write/plot here’s the spreadsheet i had to use to keep track of the scenes and the chapters djkgfsjdfkjhgd

Shout out to kiroiimye , sweet , sirius and krypt for keeping my sanity intact

easiest fic to write:

this genshin impact fic: The Land Favoured by the Wind but its because ive been thinking about this idea for more than a month lol so the actual writing and editing took me less than 3 hours

there were several others too, bc ideas then to hook themselves to me then refuse to let go fjshlfgdfsg

fav fic to write:

Most definitely this sakuatsu monstrosity here by the name of Miya Atsumu's unwavering love for Sakusa Kiyoomi and an unholy amount of terrible food analogies that should not have the right to Exist lol, I only came up with the idea of Atsumu asking Osamu how to make friends bc I was friendship pining for someone at the time and then proceeded to write the entirety of it in a feverish daze! It’s as of rn my top hit / kudoed / bookmarked fic on ao3 and man, thanks for liking this as much as i did :’D

writing sequence:

i have to write from start to finish lmao i cant move on if the fic isnt chronological? the only exception was la la land bc it was too long and i had help from the spreadsheet so i alr knew where i was going i just had to write it down dfhdsfksfksdfhjg

deleting works:

the only fics i remember deleting are both first chapters of a multichap, bc i dont like having unfinished pieces on ao3, and far less if im not sure if ill finish them/if i dont know where im going w it!

if it’s dark history of shit 15 year old me wrote imma keep it there! it is an archive after all. go on, judge my fics from 5 years ago ahahahaha

best writing advice:

not a general thing and might just apply tome, but i tend to write in very convoluted ways and squish a lot in my sentences, or add to many unnecessary commas, so i received advice recently about being more mindful of the pacing and it’s helped me a lot!

worst writing advice:

none at the top of my head djgfkdsjfh if it’s bs to me i just forget it entirelyyyy

collab:

@actuallyasweetpotato​ (also aforementioned sweet) and i did a thing for bokuaka week!!!! you can find it here:  under my breath and into your scarf

wips:

9 unfinished zine pieces, 3 commissions, 1 exchange piece, about 10 or so other things

fav story of another writer:

favourite things 

manly man falls for manliest man krbk fic!!!

gently, like a winter wind iwaoi birthday fic

sunchaser krbk fic

JUNO atsuhina fic

best review:

dude i cried

and shoutout to tien , sirius for fan art, fan comics, fan animatics of fics ive written, and shoutout to akemiiiii for this song they wrote i am eternaally grateful

worst review:

no negativity today!

prequel/sequel to other people’s fics:

none at the top of my head hm, but if anything probably any of kiro skk stuff 

do i reread my stuff:

yes, but only if they’re old enough for me to go “it’s okay even if i dont like it bc this is old”

published:

hopefully! even though i do take part in zines and i guess they already have been published in a broad sense

fav/least fav chara to write:

no one at the top of my head! it’s instinctive for me to go ahead and think about character motives whenever i come across them, so if i ever write about someone, i usually just put my spin/interpretation of a character in a way that i can comprehend. the pros of this is i can write about many people, and the downside is that these characterisations can come off as out of character to anyone who doesn’t agree w me hehe

deadlines or goals:

if it’s a oneshot that’s under 3k i usually aim to have it done within 24 hours of beginning the fic. even tho i rarely succeed, having that as a goal usually pushes me to get it done faster than i would have if i had no goal altogether! if it’s anything long i aim for 1k a day, tho rn all my deadlines are zine deadlines and on top of that there’s uni, so to say im not stressing about writing would be a lie LOL

fav writers: (am too shy to tag but i swear these people are literal gods)

chonideno (mag): tumblr | twitter | ao3

batman (teesta): twitter | ao3

maplefudge (raei): tumblr | twitter | ao3

trope never written, would like to try:

aforementioned SLOWBURN MUTUAL PINING ANGST W A HAPPY ENDING GETTING TOGETHER!!!

but also royalty au

trope you will never write:

haha loads

how long have you been a writer:

began writing around may of 2014!! it was a horrible piece but im glad i started somewhere

influences:

chonideno/mag is one! maggie stiefvater who wrote the raven boys is also one, among many others

hardest part of writing: 

writing action? writing things that are happening right now, describing people talking, eating

easiest part of writing:

descriptions of people, places, feelings. internal monologues, the like

best part of writing:

sharing how i perceive the world w other people, and discovering other people agree

wip sneak peek:

cw: hanahaki, falling out of love

this was written in a friend’s dms lmao this is why i sound like this

something unique i bring to all my stories

i had a revelation the other day after talking to all my friends and realised i have really pretentious titles

IF YOU’RE HERE

did you know the wc of this thing is 1k words? idk why you stuck through all of that but thank you. i’ll keep writing in 2021, and all the years after that, and i hope i’ll find you doing things you love too :)