#so forgive me if theyre incoherent

[drpeppertummy]

god im so sorry if this is too much, but 🥺📅🥘👕🫄🕴️💭 for dan. i love them

OIHUGH thankyou i am makin shit up rn

🥺 How do they feel emotionally when they eat too much? - honestly Not Great . they feel pretty stupid since its usually their fault. but as long as jesses there to make them feel better its fine

📅 How frequently do they get into tummy shenanigans? - ALL the dam time they are SUCH a snacker they have No self control. jesses the only thing keeping them from eating until they pop

🥘 What's the most they've eaten in one sitting? How did they feel afterwards? - thats a tough one bc theres been a lot of times shes eaten Way beyond her capacity & generally does Not feel good afterwards bc her bellys so tight it hurts so the Very most shes ever eaten would probably be like, legit-ready-to-burst shedding-some-tears level discomfort. would have to think more on how much she could take before getting to that point

👕 Have they ever had a belly-induced wardrobe malfunction? (popped button, shirt riding up, etc) How did they feel about it? - i think usually she wears pretty safe clothes if she anticipates eating a lot but im sure theres been some time when she made the mistake of wearing something a little too snug & had her belly pop out at some inopportune time. i think shes the type who can laugh it off tho

🫄 Has there ever been a time when their belly was so bloated that it got in their way/made a task difficult? - almost certainly. shes tiny & her belly sticks out pretty far when she overeats so if she has to like Reach for something her bellys gonna be pushed up against somethin. or if shes like sitting with a laptop her bellys gonna be gettin in the way. & if shes trying to button her pants with an already-too-stuffed belly Forget It

🕴️ Is there a certain type of situation that frequently results in tummy shenanigans for them? - snacks. they have NO self control when it comes to snacks. if theyre eating & theres still more snacks they will continue to eat the snacks regardless of how full their belly is. jesse has to stop them sometimes

💭 Have they ever had a memorable tummy shenanigans incident that other people still bring up to this day? - she overeats so frequently that its hard to pick one single event but i think there was a time when she was so completely stuffed & like way too full but she couldnt burp even tho she really needed to & jesse, who is a nervous individual when it comes to that sort of thing, was like Oh My God Oh Fuck Shes Going To Explode What Do I Do & dan is the one who brings it up bc looking back on it is funny

[ace-apple]

okay so none of us actually think that the losing team is like DEAD dead like permadead right. like we all agree its just for the event right. and we're not gonna panic right.

[always-a-joyful-note]

You don't know how much I can Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint code Enstars because I could. Because you have a set up where you are basically taking the place of Anzu--a person created simply to be the reader's/player's self-insert. Because the characters all exist to love Anzu while they're going through their own arcs. Because Anzu also exists to love and support the characters by the game's own coding. She is their world and their hope, and the enstars characters are her idols (and I don't just mean that as singers and dancers).

But slowly, I've seen posts and even small summaries of how Anzu starts becoming her own person, small ways apart from the characters. Yes, she's still quiet. Yes, she is almost always a Viewer. Except for the fact that this is a game story, not just a book or novel story. And games are meant to be played...not by the characters but by someone who is watching them but has not created them.

This is how Anzu has more power than a normal reader. This is also how she has less power than a normal reader. The game allows her to exercise power over the characters' lives that a normal reader of a book cannot--she can help along Trickstar, be the behind the scenes producer for a number of the idol groups in the school, doing something to make them shine. But she is always a puppet, controlled by the player. She has a silly personality with a questionable naming sense and determination and hard-headedness to boot...her preferences for the units and who she builds up are always changing according to the player. Her only goal is to make sure her idols shine (what more does a reader want than to see their characters shine?), yet the goal of the Enstars characters is to adore Anzu and make people like her who support them happy (where would the characters be without a reader?)

Like the Oldest Dream, she is the most powerful and weakest god of all. A puppet steered by the fantasies of many, many individuals yet always loved by the characters for "herself."

[clockworkcheetah]

*shaking your shoulders* hiiiii tell me everything about your thought process behind writing your incredible bangfic the bad dog nerves, inspiration characters writing EVERYTHING it's so good tell us more

hiii getting to talk about my creations!!! ahhh

ok so cause its been a couple of months and my memory is nothingness aka im a little hazy on some stuff. buuuuuut i distinctly remember several things that heavily inspired TBDN im just gonna run my thoughts as they come so i apologise if its incoherent. i am also putting this under a readmore for the sake of everyone. and because spoilers for the fic

first inspo was deathmark2 cause it got its english translation earlier this year (i love deathmark but ill say everytime i talk of it its very difficult to recommend cause it needs so many content warnings). im very much the kinda person who can and will mash fandoms together- ill make those parallels. god cant stop me. basically dm is what got the ball rolling for me- spirits and possession and influenced moods. its only inspired pretty loosely by dm- very much the general concept/brainrot for both fandoms kinda deal. also more horror elements in dghda yes pls

another thing that inspired it was the doctor who ep 'midnight'. that ep was chilling- i think about how you can tell ten is fully awake and aware during his possession and it stuck with me- a+ acting from david. its a fear of mine being fully awake/aware whilst having no control of your body/immobilised and you cant do anything but wait for the inevitable. granted todd leaned more towards anger, or like the five stages of grief, than fear. but that felt more him also cause it went on longer than a few hours (or rather he expresses his fear through anger/lashing out) but i wanted that ugly rawness of it- hes nervous like a bad dog ay ayyyyyyy

(i sorta wish i went harder with it at the end with his scene with dirk, but alas he was burnt out and healing)

also tbh i just love scenes like that in media too. the character is right there! its so close and nobody is helping them so they gotta save their own ass and be a bitch about it

also i just kinda wanted more fics where dirk just fucks up?? like theres no hoops being jumped through to make what he said right (im not exactly a fan of this fanon!dirk where hes this saint who does no wrong/is always right/everyone else is to blame) so that was a goal in mind when writing this- dirk mostly, but also amanda to an extent of being wrong (not like in some horrible malicious way just. you made a bad call. u gotta live with it). also why todd was quicker to forgive farah (or at least be on better terms with her than the others- i really wish i included a convo between them aw well) granted these arent really specific to this fic- i like to have it in other fics, i need those two to fuck up. as well as todd getting to be angry/upset without this notion that he cant cause he did bad things therefore can only be bad, undeserving person forever cause thats how it works obviously (look if i wanted content of todd fucking up id watch the show lemme have something else with fics- ok ill stop being salty now asdfghjkl;)

i also really wanted the aftermath of what happened to be explored (i love the concept of possession/mindcontrol but shows kinda brush it off after the character is freed. like??? youre telling theyre all sunshine and fine now??? no way, theres gonna be a recovery period. aka todds body being weak from literally having zero nutrients, miru not taking care of the body, also learning to have control of his own body again

with the characters or i guess specifically project miru, she wasnt inspired by anything specific. i really like tragic but unsympathetic characters in media so wanted to have a try at it, and to explore the whole riggins' favouritism towards dirk and how the other projects may have felt. idk how well i pulled it off but i had fun writing her interactions with todd even if it was mostly them being dicks to eachother and being a dick to everyone

ok my brain is starting to run on empty so ill close up this haha.

im sure this is universal but when i got the idea of this fic i had the immediate The Scenes™️ for it. they were: amandas confrontation and realising that oh shit it isnt todd the whole time that scene was vivid in my head (also fave scene to write!!) and the other is the final scene with dirk and todd and todd breaking down. todds kinda the 'strong' one of the two (to dirk) and the caretaker- so someone takes care of him and lets him be upset with everyone

but yeah!!! some of my thoughts behind the creation of TBDN 💖🥰🧡 theres stuff i wish i included in the fic and ideas i had after i had already posted but im happy with it regardless. at its core i just wanted some sweet sweet todd whump i wanna traumatise that little man

[tumbleweeddesktop]

OKAY BUT YOU'RE LITERALLY SO RIGHT everything hinges on depressed x sunshine idiot relationships AND HONESTLY LUCKRATIO FITS INTO THAT TOO XD theyre not as important to the plot but damnit they're important to me >:T

OH AND SPEAKING OF PLOT now that i got the green light allow me to infodump a bit about what i got for them -w-

So like first off bc im not a super huge fan of enemies to lovers (and also a bit of projecting) most of the things i imagine with them are in an au where Haruta is like,, not as much of an asshole and is an actual sorcerer. For a bit of backstory he used to be a student at Kyoto High but ran away after being presumed dead (the first time his cursed technique manifested actually. He was thought to have died fighting a cursed spirit but his technique saved him but still left him with Trauma).

So for a few years he just wanders around stealing and maybe killing curses here and there. Basically hes a homeless little fuck who may have killed people. Somewhere along the line he met Nanami back when he was still working his office job and just kinda follows him around, eventually deciding to return to being an actual sorcerer at the same time Nana does.

And uhhhh yea now Nanami has a parasite following him around and as embarrassed as he is of it, everyone knows he and Haruta are dating cause of how little the bastard tries to hide it.

SORRY FOR THE INFODUMP IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN ToT and applogies if this is incoherent as shit i woke up like an hour ago im writing this in class struggling not to pass out </3

That... Is surprisingly close to what I wrote for my convenience store Haruta that got chipped away by captalism and met nanami again after shibuya LMAOOO ESPECIALLY THE HOMELESS PART AKDJDJJFD. But he's a bit more cranky rather than devil-may-care (jobs do that to you)

But yeah if they were to meet in better circumstances, i think haruta would be in cohorts w anyone when trying to tease nanami (looking at you blue eyes, white haired twink) but nanami forgives him all the fucking time and whenever nanami gets angry everyone just hides behind him.

Also Haruta bakes good bread and packs him lunch with it but if he pissed him off its store bought bread and it just made him powerless the whole day while haruta (assume he works at jj-high as well atp, like supervisor or substitute teacher) hangs out just fine w everyone and teases him all the time cs that just the little shit is.

THE INFODUMP IS FINE I LIKE HEARING IDEAS ABT THEM THERES NOT MUCH AROUND HERE IM BASICALLY EATING CRUMBS ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLSSSSS

[pixpirs]

man sometimes i start really thinking about how complex the relationships in hnk can be but then i remember it literally doesn't matter anymore they're all moonies now

[xueyangmybeloved]

I opened my laptop to make a payment and now the 2ha extras are staring at me and I’m sweating bullets

[sanstropfremir]

some thoughts and questions:

about kingdom - seeing peniel join the mix of ateez and skz was odd for me lol that threw me entirely off and i think is the large reason why i’m personally not a big fan of it. i watch peniel’s stuff outside of kingdom and he’s just a v chill dude overall; even in btob’s performances, he’s not a big standout and is there and does his job. whereas for ateez and skz (i don’t watch skz enough but this is based on the kingdom content), their energies match very well with each other in terms of performance. ateez definitely wins in stage presence compared to skz but their sounds and dance compete, if that makes sense. what did you think of peniel in this performance (aside from the krumping mentioned in your long review, if you have any more thoughts)?

i also think wolf is such a bold song choice. it’s one of the sm staples - really only sm groups can pull off these songs and concepts because it was designed literally for them. e.g. snsd i got a boy, rv rookie, fx/tvxq/ nct songs. there’s a uniqueness to them that can’t be replicated imo. if a non-sm group is going to cover it, it’s almost always a fail (or is missing v important components to the song/performance that it lacks in comparison).

also, what do you think of the stages overall? like, in terms of variation. there’s nothing wrong with serious, dark, and/or thematic performances. but i feel like all of the groups are sticking to it because it makes their stages ‘valid’. if that makes sense. to simplify it, i wish groups did more ‘bright and fun’ concepts and played around more. ikon and btob are groups that do this but for these kingdom stages i don’t get the same energy.

about kpop in general - in your review of the recent kingdom ep, you mentioned that you can only think of 2-3 groups where most of (or all) members of the group have great stage presence. what groups do you think have this quality? off the top of my head, i think of shinee and seventeen. every time they perform, each member makes themselves known and carry their part. even for a large group like seventeen and some members get only like 3-5 seconds of screen time. when a member is missing it’s painfully obvious too.

this is so long and thoughtful, thank you! i’ll try to answer everything but if i miss something just let me know! i’m putting it under a cut because long.

ok to start: peniel. i agree, there is quite a bit of dissonance having him in with a group that’s comprised of 98-01 liners, and especially because he does have a very laid back personality. i do think he stepped it up pretty well in the stage, even if his energy wasn’t a perfect match. and he clearly did put on a different performance than he usually would, if eunkwang and minhyuk’s incoherent and hilarious screaming at the end of the stage was any indication. it was a smart choice to position him as the ‘alpha’ wolf of the stage. when there’s that large a gap of performing experience with idols, no matter what you do, it's going to show. even if he wasn’t a chill guy, his stage presence is just gonna be different. same thing with minhyuk in the rap stage. i know having a low member number puts them at a bit of a disadvantage, but btob (and subsequently ateez and skz) actually kinda lucked out in that regard for this stage. say for example, the full group was competing and they sent multiple members to the performance unit like the other two groups did. because ateez and skz are the same age and have relatively compatible performance styles, they can make a cohesive unit, but now you have multiple performers who have an incompatible style and will stand out from that group. how do you thematically bridge that gap within the performance itself? when you only have one unhammered nail, you can capitalize on that nail being unhammered. hence making peniel the alpha wolf, or making minhyuk the ‘boss’ at the end of the rap stage. there just isn’t enough time with this show to actually do the rehearsal to make a truly cohesive unit, so the best thing to do is highlight the difference. 

my position on covers is that it's futile to try and match the original perfectly, so match the energy but make it your own. one of my all time favourite covers is kings of leon’s dancing on my own. yes, the robyn song. also the 1975’s cover of thank u, next. rtk features a few stages that i think got the right idea, with pentagon’s follow and their collab with onf for kill this love. sm songs are tough for this for though because yea, they are pretty tailored to their groups, and the groups themselves have very unique signatures and theyre often so famous that it's hard to separate them from their contexts enough to pull off a more abstract cover.

honestly the variety of themes hasn’t been the worst? obviously i’m a person who likes narrative and thematic elements though so i'm going to be a little more biased towards those types of stages. i think people keep using the term ‘dark’ to describe any concept that’s vaguely thematic and has moody lighting. i wouldn’t describe any of btob’s stages as dark, or ikon’s, and i wouldn’t describe ateez’s wonderland stage as dark either.  i do want to see more variation in aesthetics, especially in the costumes. really only ateez and btob have got this one down; you can tell the group’s style and that it's the same designers/stylists, but there’s been enough variety that none of their looks have felt the same. tbz and sf9 have only worn embellished suits so far, ikon has not made much effort with their costumes all, and skz have just been alternating one stage black one stage white in like, exactly the same outfits. boring!!!! where is the drama!!! so yes, i would like to see everyone having a little more fun on stage and with their concepts, but i also dont know if i'm willing to risk the 60% chance that it will be school uniforms for the younger groups. because i really Do Not want that.

and as far as groups where all the members have great stage presence, i'm so sorry but i suspect you were typing this while i published a post where i detailed the exact reasons i dont find seventeen compelling, please do not be offended. i guess i can say they have good collective presence? the ones that i was thinking of are shinee and tvxq. shinee for obvious reasons, and tvxq is just two dudes, so they both have to have stage presence or the whole thing would have collapsed in 2011. oh, by default also superm, because sm cherry picked seven of their best performers and slapped them together in a group. honestly baekhyun is probably the weakest link in terms of stage presence but he makes up for it in screaming so i forgive him. if we wanna count 50%+, where the group has good presence as a whole but not all the members, i would say ateez, got7, mx, and vixx. vixx is a weird one because 50% of their stage presence is hakyeon, jaehwan, and hyuk being pretty normal charismatic dudes and 50% of it is leo’s absolutely incomprehensible cryptid vibes. why is he like that. we'll never know.

[binobonobi]

remus playlist predictions (and other opinions):

-if janus can have his playlist be entirely comprised of jazz, remus can have a playlist thats entirely chaotic, bordering on incoherent

-itll have i cant decide by scissor sisters (its got the non-sensical, chaotic, giddy vibe, its inappropriate, its about murder, its got a hint of angst thats overshadowed by the bravado of the song, “its a bitch convincing people to like you”)

-i wanna say that itll have the exit by forgive durden (its almost like an i want song? but? darker??, ”why cant you be more like your brother? together you would rule rule the throne the evil and darkness would grow”, “townsfolk are ashamed, why cant i live up to my family name?”, “youll be chained here all your life, shackled to the ground, youre not the chosen one”)

-it will have poisoning pidgeons in the park by tom lehrer (its generally calmer and more coherent than id peg him (hah) for but its like... the most jolly song about animal torture ive ever heard and the juxtaposition of the sound and lyrics works really well, plus theres a trend of the playlists having artists in common (which makes a lot of sense metatextually ofc im not trying to imply anything) and whos the very first song on logans list by? huh?? thats right! lehrer!)

-it might have murders from hawaii: part ii (just the general ominous, eery-ness?, the talk of dark terrors, the distorted audio)

-it might have word disassociation by neil cicierega (for the mere reason that its entirely incomprehensible and random)

-it might have ghostmane.... i really dont know what song (and i have no interest in researching to find out) but the general style seems up his alley

-it probably wont but i really, really want it to have literally any song by will wood and the tapeworms maybe 6up 5oh cop-out or bones (even though its a little too normal for him) (id say thermodynamic lawyer but the lyrics... ya feel?)... or any song from self-ish... except self.... and -ish.... (just? the the sheer chaotic energy? the themes of mental illness, addiction and borderline insanity??)

-it probably wont but could have the dismemberment song by blue kid (its got cheery talk of dismemberment, “and ive got no angel, to keep me in line, so im taking your narrative and making it mine, im all out of hurt, you used up all I got, so im chopping you up”)

-it probably wont but could have macavity from cats (its about an unpredictable criminal who defies even the laws of nature, “his coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed “, “ he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity” i mean hes the one who proudly called himself demented, remus would love the live action version)

-it will not have theyre coming to take me away by neuroticfish (you know how wolf in sheeps clothing wasnt on deceits playlist (for obvious reasons)? yeah) 

other music but not really playlist related opinions:

-villains pt. 1 by emma blackery (its way to calm and coherent for him but “built to create, designed to destroy”, “and i am the nightmare", “but my body is bored of being torn apart”, “youve got me locked up”, “everybody's looking at you cause you set yourself on fire just to light up the room”)

-youve heard of all eyes on me by or3o now get ready for cant be erased by jt music (”im the dancing demon”, “[evil laughter] the wonders of imagination”, “call me a seed of evil but whats that mean if im conceived within your mind?”, “i was not always a monster once i was somebodys muse”)

-evelyn evelyn made me think of some split angst and general angst about remus lamenting a time where he was an accepted part of creativity (”we grew up closer than most“, “ why are you running away?“, “a parasite needs a host“, “just get away from me“, “i just want (you here with me/my privacy), god (can’t we just get along/won’t you leave me alone)?”)

[phoenixfangs]

i got rlly butthurt abt that starlight comment so i went to that persons blog and the posts they reblogged abt mlp r full of cold takes so i went on an incoherent rant detailing y those ideas r wrong. rant under the cut, its v long and probably hard to read bc of my typing style// maybe ill come back and properly format it later

cold take 1: starlight couldve been a better character

no she couldnt unless we downplay her crimes or change her entire design. i dont care what her reason 4 forming a cult was, whether it be the stupid canon reason that her friend hit puberty and moved, or the stupid fanon idea that she never got a cutie mark and is resentful (i rlly hate this idea) LITERALLy if u want her to be a better character then dont redeem her. dont try to write a season-long arc of her trying to earn forgiveness from the village ponies bc her actions r beyond forgiveness. lets call a spade a spade: shes a monster who mutilated their bodies, minds, and hearts 4 her own stupid philosophy that she doesnt even believe in, and we dont even KNOW how long she was doing that or when the village was established. those ponies could have been in that cult 4 YEARS as far as we know--night glider herself admitted that the village was her home and that she couldnt/didnt want to move when given the chance, bc where else could she go? where else could any of them have gone? they explicitly say starlight targeted them bc they were vulnerable, or smthn to that effect. would YOU have a story abt a crazy abuser going back to their victims after who even knows how long of abusing them, and writing it so even one of them 4gives the abuser? would u write a story where the victims of jonestown 4gave jim jones? u wouldnt bc i expect u have at least 2 brain cells, and if u wouldnt, then i would hope u wouldnt like the idea of redeeming starlight at all, too. at this point in the series life, where weve seen all the redemptions and whos gotten them, i dont care abt the nuances of 4giveness, bc the writers and fans clearly dont when they have poor ideas and lack the skills to properly execute them. abusers and bullies dont deserve 4giveness, tyrants and fascists dont deserve 4giveness, terrorists dont deserve 4giveness, and the fact that diamond tiara, stygian, starlight glimmer, and tempest shadow ALL were anywhere between bullies or literal fucking terrorists, and they ALL got to be 4given and redeemed, while characters who have done way less heinous things (trixie and the flim flam brothers) r still treated with suspicion and distance by the main characters, is fucking disgusting to me. the only one ill give leeway to is diamond tiara bc even tho she was horrible to the cmc, she is just a kid and its possible to step back from bullying when ur that young. it rlly rlly isnt easy or possible to step back from mindfucking and mutilating an entire village of ponies bc ur bitter and entitled

cold take 2: cutie marks make no sense

less of a cold take and more of a gripe i have, bc they make perfectly fine sense to me. a cutie mark doesnt determine shit, its literally just a physical manifestation of what ur good at. rarity is good at finding gems, but her job isnt geology, its tailoring. rainbow dash is good at racing and being fast, but her job isnt initially stunt flying/racing with the wonderbolts, its weather duty in ponyville. in the later seasons when they start talking abt cutie marks being ur Destiny is when i admittidly start to get a little annoyed bc i dont personally believe in destiny or teaching kids that there is a predetermined path, but even still, u dont randomly get a cutie mark that determines what ur destiny is, u get a cutie mark that REFLECTS what ur desitny is. so no, a pony wouldnt get a random cutie mark of a computer 20 years b4 computers become available at home, AND THEN they discover thats what theyre talent/destiny is. cutie marks cant predict the future, theyre reactive to the individual. i dont understand how this is a confusing concept, even with the stupid destiny stuff thrown in

cold take 3: slice of life is the funniest episode of the series

no it fucking isnt JESUS the last roundup is the funniest episode, not bc of derpy, but bc of pinkie and raritys interactions. "rarity catch me" busts me up every fuckin time, as well as when pinkie and rarity r on the little handcar (hoofcar?) at the end and pinkie wont shut up and raritys like "when i get back, ur gonna GET IT rainbow dash". slice of life is a bunch of nothing and, wouldnt u know it, the best parts of the episode r the parts that include characters we actually KNOW (celestia and luna arguing over gifts, matildas anxieties, cadence consoling a crying shining armor at the wedding). even discounting the fact that the target demographic--kids, yknow, children and preteens--likely dont have forum accounts or the time/energy to scroll through those forums and wikis and blogs to understand all the inside jokes of the episode, its boring and kind of annoying if ur as disillusioned with the fandom as many ppl r, including myself. also lyra and bonbon werent confirmed stop projecting and giving praise where none is due. coy looks and 'best friends' sentiments dont mean shit, say explicitly that theyre girlfriends or wives and then give me a call

[xiggbar]

I'm not gonna make this big and drawn out bc the people involved have already blocked me and I respect that, and won't push them to forgive my mistakes or tolerate me or anytging like that.

But I do wanna say for those around me that Ill try not to stick my nose in matters that don't apply to me, and try harder to listen if someone is upset at me. I don't have a lot of social interaction skills except for what I've picked up online and my autism prevents me from fully recognizing when someone is seriously upset with me or why. That's not any excuses for my literally being an ignorant dumbass and I'm not saying "uwu I didn't know better" bc I'm 21 im an adult who should know better. I'm just saying thst ill definitely try to improve from now on and im sorry to any one I've hurt w my behavior or words.

This isn't me trying to suck up and beg for forgiveness, again ppl involved have blocked me and I'm fine w that. Theyre rightfully annoyed.But I didn't want to let the incident slip by without acknowledging it bc like. I messed up multiplr times I'm not gonna tiptoe around thst or pretend I didn't.

I just woke up a bit ago so sorry if this is incoherent or if I need to reword stuff, but. Tldr i need to do better in a shitlosd of areas and I see that now. also please do NOT rb this. I don't mean this as a "forgive me I made an apology so rb and spread that I'm apologizing" thing. I personally just wanted to express that I understand amd hear why ppl r upset w me, and ill try to improve upon those areas ecen if its just not saying shit I shouldnt.

[r0mantic-h0micide]

i wish i had the skills to sort my feelings out better. im feeling very confused because i don't understand whats going on with me.

i thought that, for the most part, i was over jake and moving on. but this last week or so, i keep thinking about him.

for a long time, i always figured therapy couldnt really help me. but now, im thinking maybe it can. maybe an outside person will be able to help me understand all these feelings ive been having lately.

i feel like im pretty good at telling the difference between bpd thoughts and valid/rational thoughts. but now im just so unsure of everything. i know im trying my best and i know thats all i can do.

idk. i dont know what the point in saying all this is. i wish i had someone to talk to about this stuff that isnt just going to say "it be like that sometimes" and then steer the conversation in a new direction. sometimes its okay to say "it is what it is" and move on, but i want to talk to someone that wants to listen.

its times like these when i really really wish i had a mother. one that cared. one that listened. one that didnt stress me out every time she opened her god damn mouth. i need guidance in the worst way and i have no one to turn to.

im grateful for a lot of people in my life. i know that other people have had it way worse than me. and im trying really hard to keep a positive attitude about work and actually becoming and adult- even if i feel embarrassed about my late start. but sometimes i just wish things were entirely different.

im so frustrated and disappointed in myself. and i just want someone to tell me that its okay to feel this way and that i'll figure it out. i dont mind being alone, its just that sometimes being alone is really really hard. thats probably the most frustrating thing in the world- its probably why im do disappointed in myself.

i want to forgive myself for being stupid and naive and young. but im having such a hard time doing it because since when am i stupid and naive? i knew every choice i made was the wrong one and i did it anyway. i did it to myself and i deserve every shitty thing thats going on. im so angry at myself for sitting and doing nothing while i made bad decisions.

i was trying so hard to be an adult that i forgot im still a kid. i hate that ive put myself in this position. because i knew what i was doing. im so self aware and yet still so god damn dumb.

i wont blame myself for nathan. maybe a little for staying as long as i did. but i was barely a teenager. but i knew what i was walking into with zachariah and i didnt care. i knew i shouldnt have been talking to him, but i did it anyway. i knew jake didnt care for me the way i cared for him. i knew he was done before things even started. and still, i told him i wanted to get married. i knew getting married was a bad idea but i wanted it and i got it and look at where i am now. to a fault, i am persistent. to a fault, i chase after what i want until i get it, no matter who or what gets hurt in the process.

being around me has probably got to be one of the most draining things a person can experience. i just dont know how to change.

this post is about a million different things but im glad that i got my feelings out. even if theyre incoherent.

i know that nothing in life is certain, but i hope that one day im able to see things more clearly.

[saportuh]

i asked abt mbti / enneagram typings for the fob guys a while back n someone went "u cant type real ppl" and like yeah not ACCURATELY but its for FUNNNN so does anyone have input on pete i swear all my time in bandom and i cant sort his ass out. forgive me for function rambling sorry if ur normal n this is incoherent

like in the old days when he was always wildin, irl there was a lot of se and ne, moderate te and ti, and low fe. and the introverted functions went out the window. but his lyrics show fi, ni, si, and ti. like 😥 THATS ALL OF EM ive seen ENTP and ISTP and idk how i feel about either like. nowadays i def see the possible ISTP but? idk man. esp bc i think andy's an istp and theyre not alike

u kno i love typing people but the two groups ive struggled w the most have been my literal family, and fob. cuz i know both so well its multifaceted like i cant neatly shove them in a box. boo!