#so far somehow noone believes me

[salokorai]

Another new child drop from my side: Hanariel Schilftanz... IF that is her real name????

They're a changeling and go by a ton of names and usually pick out a shape that fits the occasion and they are genderfluid. They are also an assassin and usually like to collect the shapes of those that they kill. But Hanariel is such a sweetheart! It's the shape that she is currently working with in the small campaign which we have just started playing. The other players already know that Hanariel is a changeling but they don't really know her story and relationship to her shapes and such just yet and I am excited to have them find out!

[melrosing]

got bored made some Lannister ocs

besides Stafford we don’t have names or deaths or anything for Joanna’s other two brothers and her two sisters so since everyone else has ocs I decided I wanted some and it was free real estate ✨ names/ages/personalities under the cut

joanna lannister (247AC - 273AC) guess what i didn't actually make her up but not like we have much detail on her anyway so w/e. eldest child of Jason Lannister & Marla Prester, and just a frustratingly perfect girl (at least as far as Cerella is concerned) who always seems to get her way. has always enjoyed gossip and that becomes an interest in court and politics once she moves to KL at 10 to become one of Queen Rhaella's companions. as a child at the Rock she was best friends with Genna, but it was a complex relationship where Joanna was slightly resentful of Genna's power over her (as Tytos' daughter) and Genna was resentful of Joanna's apparent perfection, and the way she seems to wring an affection out of Tywin where he has none for his siblings. Joanna isn't exactly a mean girl but is well aware of the effect her charisma has on others, and can make you feel like shit by looking straight through you (albeit w a smile on her face) if she doesn't feel you're much worth her time.

stafford lannister (248AC - 299AC) i didn't make him up either but canon says he's a blundering idiot so we'll go w that. Stafford just had the luck to be the firstborn son of a Lannister knight, so he gets wealth and riches with little responsibility to show for it. he's thought of as a bit of a Tytos 2.0 but without his humour or heart of gold. thinks he has a fascinating life but is just rich. tells dreadfully boring stories but never seems to notice the snores. constantly landing himself in shit and waiting to be rescued. that's all there is to say about Stafford.

gerold lannister (249AC - 280AC) yay my first oc. well he's just a bit of a creep really. twin to Cerella, born first of the two. Gerold thinks he's the perfect Lannister specimen (he's more like.... weedy handsome squidward) and figures he ought to have been born in Tywin's place. but somehow he ended up the second son of a fourth son and nothing much is expected of him. he's not much good at anything and noone likes spending any time around him because he's perpetually consumed by bitterness. he's not close to his sister Cerella either, bc he seems to treat her worse than anyone, constantly talking down to her etc and mocking her crush on their cousin Tywin. in his final years, as his other siblings are growing up and moving on w their lives, Gerold remains bitter & stagnant, and no-one cares to see what's up except youngest sibling Loren, who has never been close to his brother but takes pity on him, believes maybe Gerold just likes men (specifically he suspects he likes TYWIN) and Loren is a theatre kid all his friends are gay it's fine. he decides to reach out. except Gerold isn't gay and in a confrontation between the two, Loren discovers that the true object of Gerold's affections is: their sister Cerella!!! who has already been married off to Sumner Crakehall. his secret out, Gerold kills himself shortly after, and Loren never tells anyone what he learnt but is consumed by guilt and disgust for the rest of his days.

cerella crakehall née lannister (249AC - 295AC) younger twin to gerold. Cerella has a cold demeanour but the heart of a romantic. when she was a small child she was in awe of Joanna and followed her everywhere, and Joanna likewise enjoyed Cerella's hero worship and treated her as a mini-me. however, as Joanna blossomed, Cerella felt ugly and awkward by comparison. Joanna only seemed to verify this by gradually ignoring Cerella in favour of Genna, and later in favour of her friends at court it KL. Joanna seems to get everything she wants before she can think to ask for it, whereas people seem to forget Cerella is in the room. and the one thing Cerella has always wanted is Tywin: she thinks they're entirely alike, and she's even modelled herself on him in hope that one day they would make a perfect match. except Joanna gets Tywin too: she has his attention without even seeming to ask for it, and takes him because she can. Cerella thinks she might have got her comeuppance when Jo is sent home from court, after Aerys affections for her become a little too heated. Tywin won't want her now. except he does, and they're betrothed not long after. Cerella, despondent, doesn't argue when she's married off to Lannister bannerman Sumner Crakehall (his second wife), and never returns to the Rock thereafter. she notices Joanna's son training in the yard at Crakehall but wants nothing to do with him; Jaime Lannister will wonder why in all those years his mother's sister never deigns to speak to him.

rowena cary née lannister (255AC - present) her father's favourite (though he dies before she turns six), Rowena looks the spit of her grandmother Rohanne Webber. Jason never knew his mother, and so has highly idealised notions of her (whilst the rest of the Lannisters loathe her for leaving without a trace). he likes the idea that Rowena is Rohanne born again, but wouldn't get away with naming her Rohanne - so names her an approximation. and she's just a fuckin disney princess lol. extremely amiable, not a girl of any great talents but does her best to please everyone. she never sees much of her eldest siblings, who are at court or squiring by the time she's old enough to engage with them, and the twins pay her no particular attention, but the adults around her love indulging her, and she's close to her younger brother Loren. there are no great expectations of Rowena, so despite many great westermen begging her hand, she marries for love to a wealthy merchant of Lannisport. sadly, they're unable to have the children they long for, but enjoy entertaining at their Lannisport manse, and enjoy welcoming nieces and nephews into their home (Tyrion is a regular visitor uwu). w her red hair, people tend to forget she's a Lannister at all, and so does she tbh.

loren lannister (257AC - 297AC) born in what many thought were finally past Marla's childbearing years, Loren is the youngest of Jason's brood. there are no great expectations of Loren, and Loren has none of himself - but in some ways he ends up being the most successful of the bunch, besides Joanna. he likes writing plays, acting in his own plays, and generally getting merry with the folk of Lannisport. the Lannisters of the Rock tend to forget Loren exists because he's seldom there, always in the city instead - till he moves out of the Rock entirely with little fanfare, and uses his inheritance to build a theatre in the middle of town. his plays do well and he's popular with the people, but very much a rich kid cosplaying poor lol. he never marries but has affairs w men and women, and when he hears of a bastard that might be his he throws a load of money their way without checking to see if it's true. Loren enjoys attention and pays close attention to others in turn, but is largely estranged from the Lannisters besides Rowena. after trying and failing to help his estranged brother Gerold, Loren falls into something of a depression for a time, doubting himself and all his instincts - his estrangement from the rest of his family becomes much more definitive as a result. anyway after a fairly prolific career Loren falls from some theatre scaffolding to his death at 40 years old, to the misery of Lannisport and the faint bemusement of the Rock

[stromuprisahat]

Hey,

Could you do a meta on the similarities between Labyrinth (1986) and the Shadow and Bone Trilogy? I read through that one scene (Alina and Darkling Interactions on your blog) between Alina and the Darkling after her and Mal get captured and Alina has to bargain for his life and they speak about fairness and the way the public views them both (Chapter 21 of the first book, I believe). I vaguely remembered this type of conversation from another piece of media, and saw in your tags that you attributed it to Labyrinth. Honestly wondering how much the movie influenced the trilogy, as I feel like Alina was supposed to be a Sarah Williams type of character but got her character development strangled by the narrative. Honestly wondering if this makes Mal Toby (romance aside), because Alina fought hard for this man and chose him over the ‘glamorous’ life she could have lived with the guy with powers (Darkling/Jareth). Genya might be Hoggle (works for the bad guy before becoming loyal to the protagonist). Maybe this is all a stretch?

Sorry if this is weirdly formatted. Thank you so much!

No anon! Why?!

I've watched Labyrinth once, and didn't enjoy it, so I was considering passing this on someone else, but since you've delved into details, I just HAD TO rewatch it, because I can't stand not knowing what's going on! So, I'll type as a watch and this will get veeeeeery long.

First of all- I hate those ugly-ass puppets and scenes. I find them creepy, and not in the good way. I totally don't get the ?US? obsession with them, and yes- I've hated Sesame Street, when it got imported here, and I've always hated Czech attempts at copying such production (Táhni, Františku z Fanfárie a Jůheláci taky, když už jsme u toho.).

I feel like Labyrinth is one of those movies, where fanon became widely-accepted canon, because I just can't see plenty of stuff allegedly present.

Alina and Sarah certainly have two things in common- they live in their own version of the world, and they're unbearably immature spoiled brats, even though you'd expect more from them their age considered. Yet somehow, Sarah's so unreasonably whiny, she almost makes me love Alina. Perhaps if we'd age her up a little and gave her potentially world-saving powers, she could've taken the S02show!psycho's place. They seem more alike than the book girl.

I mean... I don't like children, and I wouldn't be such a bitch to a ?one? year old...

The baby was a spoiled child and wanted everything for himself…

The baby can barely stand and certainly doesn't seem able to talk. It doesn't have mental capacity to imagine "everything", sure as hell not want it.

…and the young girl was practically a slave.

Sorry, but a scene earlier I saw her room. I watch her father respect her privacy. Her evil step mother being nothing but polite and non-threatening. I come from a loving family, and I've been keeping eye on my eight-years-younger brother since he was born. To an extent- yes, but they just want her to make sure he doesn't burn down the house on accident or something. He's even fed for fuck's sake! That's hardly slavery. And no, she doesn't get a pass as a moody teenager. This is a spoiled brat behaviour.

Sarah's straight up lying to make herself the victim. That's very Alina. Or more precisely- it's very Alina's new mommy Ol' Bags, but then again it's been said before Alina would grow into Baghra in time.

Goblin King, Goblin King, wherever you may be… …take this child of mine far away from me!

We have a better Czech ballad about children-stealing demon punishing short-tempered mother:

"Pojď si proň, ty Polednice, pojď, vem si ho, zlostníka!“ – A hle, tu kdos u světnice dvéře zlehka odmyká.

Kytice- Polednice (Karel Jaromír Erben)

“Come and get him, noon witch, come take him! I can bear no more!” And look, someone’s outside – a thumb is stealthily working the lock at the door.

A Bouquet: of Czech Folktales (transl. by Marcela Malek Sulak)

I went through it quickly, and the translation doesn't look bad, so it's available on libgen if you're interested.

Alina had her immortality and complementary powers, but what does Jareth see in Sarah is beyond me.

Sarah says she wants her brother back, but honestly- it sounds more like she doesn't want to get in trouble because of him. I don't know if it's only the acting, or if it's intentionally portrayed so, but she doesn't look like someone, who just realized they care about someone else.

It might be the whiny undertone in her voice. Irritating, if anything.

Yeah, a pissing puppet is exactly what I needed to see...

Genya is certainly prettier than Hoggle.

And doesn't piss in public.

The walls of the Labyrinth look like Terezín before reconstruction.

Sarah gets an advice and doesn't bother to delve into it. Another tiny similarity with Alina. Except Alina had her half-a-thought of doubt, and her advisor is a malevolent cunt with her own interests. The freaky worm seemed genuine in its desire to help.

Obligatory song and dancing. *shoot me, please*

The only way out of here is to try one of these doors. One of them leads to the castle at the centre of the labyrinth. And the other one leads to… …certain death.

Please, pick the death one...

"Helping hands"... every creep's wet dream...

Yeah, the evil hot accent isn't enough to make me like this villain. Fucking 80s...

Those depressive warning faces are probably the only thing I might even ~like~.

Okay, NOW he was hot.

Jareth and Sarah have the fairness conversation, when he shortens her time to punish her for her defiance. Aleksander and Alina's take place, when he wants her to face consequences of her own actions and accept responsibility. He's the wronged one there, because she didn't consider anyone or anything, when she chose to trust Baghra and ran off.

Sarah gets Hoggle to follow her by stealing his stuff. She gets the doorknockers to let her in by tricking the mumbling one into taking the unpleasant ring back into his mouth and doesn't even try to pull it out again, or knock without it attached. She's rather cruel in her thoughtlessness, isn't she?

Aleksander never shames Genya for wanting to be Alina's friend. He never blackmails her to help him. She's the one, who provokes his rightful wrath for no good reason.

I think Jareth might be what LB (sometimes) wants us to see in Aleksander. Except it's hardly what she shows by his actions, only what her characters describe.

Another difference- Aleksander doesn't only want Alina, he needs her for his plan to save his people. Jareth merely has the worst possible taste in women.

Okay, the dog making hoof-clopping noises also isn't the worst idea.

I'm kinda sorry Aleksander never tried to poison/drug Alina. That might be fun. Even the collaring couldn't really make her compliant, so he's technically nicer even in this aspect. I can see antis claiming he tried to woo her by showing her the splendor of Little Palace and giving her the centre role in Winter Fete, but the former wasn't different from Grisha in officer training, the later was the Crown's doing. He's even said to despise such events.

Sarah is a modern teenager. Alina's considered adult in her world. I got to the ball scene, where it's painfully obvious Sarah is a child in adult's clothes and make-up. I'm a bit surprised she was played by an actual teenager.

Alina starts off willing to do anything for Malyen, and ends up becoming just what he wants. Sarah starts off selfishly bullying a baby, only to turn 180° as soon as he's stolen, so excuse I'm not persuaded she means it. She doesn't manage it in next hour and half.

~ I have to face him alone. - But why? ~ Because that's the way it's done.

The logic is very Alina, but she never insists on facing the Darkling alone, except that one time she attempts murder/suicide.

Oh no, Aleksander would never wear something this teAsticleless

And no, I truly don't mean the colour.

I ask for so little. Just let me rule you… …and you can have everything that you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say… …and I will be your slave.

Again, that's no Aleksander at all. He didn't want to rule Alina, he wanted to rule alongside her. He only tried to force her once she endangered his plans for his country and people.

He never promised her everything she's want, because the only thing she seems to want is to be left alone to live in obscurity with no expectations placed on her.

He doesn't want her to fear him and she never does. He doesn't even crave people's fear. He uses it as a tool, when there's no better option.

He doesn't mind Alina defying him, finds it attractive actually, as long as it doesn't ruin- once again- his plans for Ravka and Grisha protection.

The slave line actually reminds me of much better representation of book!Aleksander- I Wanna Be Your Slave by Måneskin.

I was pretty sure I've seen Cinema Therapy episode on Labyrinth I deeply agreed with, but can't find it, so... :(

[outsidereveries]

old asks from curiouscat (15th july 2024 —19th july 2024)

15th July 2024

do you know if haseul from r u next is still training to become a kpop idol and is chanelle going to be one of the new fifty fifty members?

runext's haseul | ace of swords, 3 of swords rx, strength • 4 of swords

she's not trainee currently. she hasn't closed the door for becoming an idol though, she's resting for a bit.

chanelle | the hanged man, the fool rx, 10 of wands rx • 7 of cups

to be honest, i don't see her there, though someone else from r u next might debut there.. however i am not sure if that is actually true (apart from chanelle and youngseo, i mean)

can you reading for nct dream's upcoming comeback? what will the charts be like both in Korea and globally?

korea | ace of pentacles, temperance rx, the empress • 10 of pentacles

i'd say like usual, but might not chart that good. someone might comeback with them and do way better.

outside of korea | high priestess, king of wands, the sun • knight of swords

way better, might chart somewhere? i don't feel and see much :|

is yoongi mad about any of this situation? (hybe vs ador)

9 of cups, the devil rx, the hanged man, 5 of pentacles rx, page of swords, the emperor • 3 of pentacles

to him, it was time for hybe to fail too. somehow.

similar to namjoon, he also expected something to happen. maybe not between hybe and ador specifically, because he hears things from here and there and he seems to believe they're far worse than this public fiasco (i am calling it like that). he is finally relieved (won't say it public though) that hybe have a serious scandal like the majority of the companies because noone is perfect.

honestly, suga doesn't want to say much because he knows TOO MUCH. he listens and remembers for DECADES even if he doesn't want to and he actually told hybe to not test him.. more than once. i'd be really worried if he actually tells something publicly, because if he does, hybe might be really doomed.

he isn't mad. he feels mixed because he wanted hybe to have even more serious scandal, way more serious one. he questions himself was this the way hybe has to start to slip off. he wants them to suffer cruelly, way more than it's now. he hates the corporation as it is and really wants change in it. he hopes for min heejin to make it in the end because he doesn't want to ruin anyone's future when he returns, including bts' group future and he really knows it.

how do bts members feels about the hybe vs ador thing?

rm | the empress, justice, temperance • 10 of pentacles

he seems to be fully on min heejin's side. he judges hybe .. a lot. i'd say rm really expected them to fail, lol

jin | knight of pentacles, the lovers, wheel of fortune • the magician

jin told me a tea that i am allowed to share in the most uncensored way possible😱 so there was an intimate offer to min heejin and she actually refused to do it!! this seems to be additional information.. thanks to jin for the gossip🥰 (i am not ironic with the emojis, deadly serious)

so because jin knew this information, he expected something to happen and he isn't suprised. he also seems to be on her side because to jin min heejin has dignity unlike other people.

suga | strength rx, 5 of wands rx, the hanged man • 3 of swords rx

he seems to be extremely passive and .. very dissapointed. he didn't expected this to happen, especially from bang sihyuk. suga feels really mixed and doesn't know how to react properly.

j-hope | the devil rx, 9 of swords rx, the lovers • the magician

hoseok is trying to be optimistic. he hopes everything will die down in the end and both sides find a solution that will be satisfying for all of them.

jimin | knight of wands, 8 of swords, king of cups rx • 6 of swords

compared to suga, jimin feels even more betrayed. he knows how he feels though, he really regrets renewing his contract with bhm and hybe. he wants to focus on himself and move on. he doesn't want to see them again, at least currently.

v | page of pentacles, 4 of swords rx, strength • the hanged man

he expected it to happen, he was aware of how ador were treated compared to other companies. he believes in min heejin and he feels she'll win the battle in the end.

jung kook | knight of cups, king of swords, page of cups • the star

he tries to gather information about it through other people and doesn't have a specific opinion that is somehow set in the stone. jung kook know what's going on but not the exact details that will make him form his actual opinion.

overall, all members seem to be on min heejin's side despite jungkook's unfinished thoughts and suga/j-hope/jimin's mixed feelings and trying to be neutral or not saying as much as i personally expected. and the gossip jin allowed me to share publicly (allegedly, we don't know if this is true or not) made me shocked because he intuitively said to me to not censor myself and that he's fine with sharing it publicly😭✌🏻

is it possible that aespa will disband soon or their popularity will decrease and they will experience hate train again? or get involved in controversial events...

5 of wands rx, ace of cups, 9 of cups • 8 of cups

won't disband. their relevance seem to be stable enough. i doubt there'll be hate train or will get into scandals.

so roughly, when it comes to their popularity, everything seems to be okay as they have stable fandom.

will i’ll-it’s comeback be successful in korea and will their reputations be recovered or is it too far gone

queen of cups, judgement rx, the moon • 2 of wands

it seems to be pretty much gone. success-wise, i'll-it at its best will be talked quite negatively mainly because of their debut and belift/hybe's mistakes.

is YG happy with the results Babymonster gained so far?

the world, the tower, 5 of swords rx • 4 of pentacles rx

"it's not what we expected."

yge expected baemon to blew up in similar way to blackpink. comparing to treasure, yge are more frustrated.. so no. they're not happy.

does any member of newjeans knows about shifting and if they do, did any of them shifted here?

Minji | 3 of wands, 2 of pentacles, page of cups • 3 of pentacles

Hanni | 2 of swords rx, 9 of swords rx, 7 of cups • the high priestess

Danielle | 4 of pentacles, 5 of swords, 10 of swords • 2 of cups

Haerin | knight of pentacles, wheel of fortune rx, page of wands, ace of cups • ace of wands

Hyein | king of cups, the high priestess, king of wands rx • 6 of swords

all of newjeans seem to know about it (for minji this is quite fresh topic so she might've learned about it recently), to be honest but noone has allegedly shifted from another reality to this one or the opposite.

danielle seems to be extremely persistent to switch to elsewhere, she is extremely attached to this reality. the other members haven't thought about it, but seeing from the cards, they are leaning towards they'd prefer to stay here.

hanni on the other hand in other universes might've shfited (if our reality is no. 1, from reality no. 2 to reality no. 3 and etc.).

can I ask about how successful would Road to Kingdom 2 be with Taemin as a host?

the lovers rx, the tower, the world rx • 7 of pentacles

with one word, disaster. mnet should give up trying with similar shows at this point.

will aespa be able to continue its rising career in the same way?

3 of pentacles, page of cups, 7 of wands • temperance

i am not sure because of the company themselves. as of not, i doubt they'll continue to be as relevant as now.

can you share short reading about RIIZE Seunghan? 1. does sm have plans to bring back seunghan in riize? 2. what's delaying his return? 3. when are we possibly getting an update about seunghan? 4. are fan support projects for seunghan doing anything good?

1: 3 of pentacles, death, 3 of cups • the sun

yes. like cosmos said when they asked, around riize's anniversary. i see the same thing as them too (i am unaware of cosmos' pronouns, sorry, they're youtuber if someone's asking)

2: ace of pentacles, 10 of cups, 4 of pentacles rx, king of cups • 5 of swords rx

it's pretty much seunghan himself, he seems to want to do a suprise this time.

3: queen of wands, 4 of swords, 8 of pentacles • the hermit

as of now i doubt it will be before the period when riize's anniversary happens, it will be around that time.

4: the devil rx, 4 of cups rx, page of pentacles rx • 3 of swords rx

they are neutral. helping or not, it's .. blank. seunghan is very thankful for them, though.

how is the relationship between the ive members and starship ?

Yujin | 2 of wands, the tower • the emperor

basically, she communicates with starship the most. to yujin, they are extremely selfish. if she wants x, they'll make a offer y that will satisfy the company. i've learnt other things that i'll save to myself because they're extemely personal to yujin and i don't want to ruin anyone's image.

Gaeul | 5 of wands rx, 2 of pentacles • justice

i don't think they communicate that often. they talk when they have to.

Rei | death, 10 of cups rx • the fool

it seems that recently haven't talked much.

Wonyoung | knight of wands, strength rx • the lovers

so and so, could be better. same as yujin, i've learned things that i will save them to myself.

Liz | the emperor, the star • 3 of wands

she communicates with them through someone from ive (maybe yujin) and she feels optimistic for her solo path.

Lesseo | judgement rx, the moon rx • 3 of pentacles

similar as gaeul, they talk when they have to. recently the dynamics are way worse and starship'd prefer to talk with her only if it involve ive, like in emergency situations.

what is the possibility of fuko from iland 2 debuting soon?

the moon, 3 of pentacles, knight of cups • knight of swords

fuko seems to be independent as of now. there's a company that offered her a secure spot for upcoming girl group (like, coming in a few months). she hasn't decided yet whether she'll accept or not.

therefore, depends on her. if she accepts, almost 100% because something unexpected can always happen. if she rejects, i am not sure how much (like percents).

how the public views mai from izna during their debut?

depends on which outsiders.

korean: temperance, ace of swords, 10 of pentacles • the devil rx

currently they like her and can see why she will debut with the rest of izna. nothing much to feel and see this time😓

international: the sun, 8 of pentacles, 9 of swords rx • 6 of wands

they (will) like her, maybe a lot. she might have more solo gigs outside of korea, though.

does youngseo want to continue her idol life/return to the idol industry or has she given up? does she still keep in contact with any of the illit members?

[has she officialy gave up?] 3 of cups, 8 of pentacles, 7 of cups rx, king of cups rx • 10 of cups

she has given up, she lost hope and faith she'll succeed in this industry, especially when she turned against her former subsidiary. they watch her too obssesively..

therefore, i don't really believe she's trainee in another company. the 8 of pentacles though can turn into the opposite answer where youngseo is again in similar situation as she was in the past with belift/hybe but i really don't feel it. sorry :(

[communication with the rest of i'll-it] the fool, 7 of wands, 4 of pentacles rx, king of cups, 7 of cups, 3 of cups • 10 of cups

despite pretty much the optimistic cards, the king of cups (someone from belift) forbids i'll-it to communicate with youngseo. they want to talk with her like before, belift don't. however, youngseo also don't want to communicate with the group. so no, they don't.

can you do a reading about pledisngg about the members and their future success?

general check: queen of pentacles, the hermit, 3 of pentacles, knight of cups, wheel of fortune • 6 of wands

so far 2 trainees are more visible:

• queen of pentacles seem to be a visual who's into fashion (and money). i am unsure if she lacks vocal training but with the hermit next to her, she might lack it

• knight of cups seem to have similar vibe as blackpink's rosé when it comes to the idol life. she's here for all of it and loves to sing (and produce, and write the songs, this stuff).

apart from that, nothing much. it looks like pledis is aiming for female seventeen when it comes to self-producing

success: 8 of swords rx, king of swords, 5 of swords rx • the chariot

yes, it can be successful. i see the girls will manifest their relevance and popularity though.

will baemon release a successful song that lacks the yg aesthetic?

2 of cups, king of pentacles, 4 of pentacles rx • 7 of cups

when the founder steps out, sure. until then i don't think so..

17th July 2024

what's relationship between Sion (NCT Wish) and Ningning (aespa) or what do they think of each other?

the world, the star, king of penracles rx, 5 of wands rx • 3 of pentacles

they aren't close but sion wants to know her better. however, he seems to not have the greatest intentions with her and it'll be better for them to be strictly colleagues. when it comes to ningning, she seems uninterested to know him.

what will aespa's next Korean comeback after Armageddon be? concept, genre, lore, vibes, high notes and etc?

the moon, king of pentacles, the magician rx, judgement, 5 of swords rx • 5 of wands rx

when it comes to their next korean comeback, it won't be like aespa personally want. i see someone (king of pentacles) who will limit their comeback sound-wise.

their concept seem to be not polished but will rely on what they've doing after spicy era so far. i don't see the concept being "light" (i.e. spicy, better things), it looks like it'll be similar to drama mv-wise and sound-wise (comapred to supernova+armageddon, drama sticks waaay more).

for the hybe and ador controversy, how it’ll be affect seventeen for next? will they or pledis part ways?

how the drama influence 17: 5 of cups, the moon, 10 of pentacles, knight of swords, the devil rx • 5 of pentacles rx

the group are dissapointed from what the corporation has been doing and are uncertain of their future. they really believe it'll be better to enter into military at once as much as possible (except from the foreigners in the group as they're free in this case) and just not think about it. on the other hand, when it comes to money, that makes somehow the boys more greedier than expected because they're already thinking of their solo paths. it looks like the boys want to separate their way after their contract ends in any way, so for their desires to not continue they aren't influenced because of the situation, they wanted it anyways. they know their ceo isn't at fault and he's innocent compared to .. everyone else who's at fault. seventeen really believe they can negotiate everything for better amount that was planned by them.

seventeen's path and the drama's influence: the devil rx, 5 of pentacles rx, 6 of pentacles • king of cups

the boys are thankful for what pledis have done so far, but they believe now it's the time to move on with their individual desires and i feel they start to not believe the corporation enough, i.e. whatever hybe gave, they'll receive back.

pledis' path and the drama's influence: 2 of swords rx, ace of swords rx, strength, 4 of pentacles rx • justice

the company wants to separate from the corporation but are aware they rely on seventeen a lot (like how yge are with blackpink) and if they leave pledis and hybe, it makes their separation impossible. they are also aware that leaving might not benefit them currently also because they have to pay x amount for separating, so unless tws do decent too with the time, they'd prefer to not act.

which team in f1 next year will be on the top? is max verstappen’s still dominant for winning too?

i'll try to see indirectly the next top team: the magician, 4 of pentacles rx, 8 of pentacles • the hermit

the team is pretty much known. with the bottom card, i see the team not being red bull racing as they might do worse compared to the other with the most points in the future. my pendulum bets on mclarren.

red bull racing and how they'll do next year: 4 of cups rx, ace of cups, the fool • the world

the team will do like usual but will change some people in their team (including adrian newey) that will make other team/s do better. still, the team will be satisfied of how they're doing their job. i believe they'll still do well, so therefore the points they'll have might be closer to the teams that are better than them (allegedly).

do you think soobin will get solo project (like variety show or solo song or collab) this year? it looks like he's the only member in txt who doesn't have this year :(

the hermit rx, 9 of swords rx, 8 of pentacles rx • 7 of cups

soobin works on something.. pretty much alone. since 7 of cups is the bottom card of the deck, i am assuming he's currently learning the details of acting, like how to express himself properly and etc.

there might be something with the cards i am seeing, but i am yet unsure if he's just practicing or working on something while doing that at the same time, therefore i'm really unsure of the answer itself whether he'll have solo gig/s this year or not. sorry if it's not what you expected but soobin might be unsure either :(

19th July 2024

will KISS OF LIFE be more popular in Korea, internationally or both?

Local relevance: the lovers, 2 of swords, 4 of cups rx • the world

Might not be as relevant as desired at first in the future as they might do things that they will be done for the first time. When it comes to their popularity, KIOF should be cautious of their future actions as it might be good for the foreign places but not in Korea. They might not be as impactful as Hwasa years ago in the end.

Outside of Korea: judgement, knight of swords, 8 of wands • 7 of cups

This spread is a lot better. Based on what I see, KIOF will have cruicial moment that will make them popular internationally. They have the idols who can be relevant in variety shows in one way or another (I see especially Julie) and they can make it work outside of Korea.

In Korea it seems to be less likely to make it BIG in the end comapred to the foreign lands. KIOF also have the potential to do it there but .. it's yet to be seen if it can compared to BLACKPINK. Overall, internationally >> Korea.

[estelofrivendell]

Saviour (Boromir x Female Reader)

A/N: This was a really cute request by Anon that I got distracted with it and added stuff that probably doesn’t matter. Hope you enjoy <3

Fearless, valiant and nurturing. Those were the three words you would use to describe Boromir. At first, you believed him to be self-centered and he did not have the brightest suggestions at the council, but he proved to be a good man with a heart of gold when he volunteered to help Frodo.

He was a protector through and through, his love for his country and his people runs deep in his veins. You can see the pride in his eyes every time he talks about them but he never fully concealed his sadness. He was slowly losing hope in everything that you felt sorry for him.

Taking the night watch, you took a quick glance at everyone and made sure they were all sleeping. None of them were truly at peace even in their sleep. You looked over the mountains and watched the stars, captivated by their beauty that you almost forgot what your main purpose was.

At that moment, a twig broke nearby, making you look back at the Fellowship to see if it was any of them. Worry overtook you when none of them were awake. It was not right to wake any of them when it could well have been you daydreaming.

Hopping off the rock to investigate, you made sure to be careful to not wake any of them up. The farther you went, the more you regretted going off and you had a gut feeling that something was wrong. You looked over your shoulder repeatedly only to see nothing yet you continued to hear more sounds of faint footsteps and leaves cracking.

Tense, you swallowed up your pride and made your way back, your grip on your sword loosening up a bit. Turning around, you immediately came face to face with a growling orc that was in the middle of swinging its ax.

So this is how it all ends for me, you thought. An orc cuts my head off and by noon my friends will have forgotten about me.

It all happened so fast that you never had time to properly process anything aside from that, you didn’t even remember screaming. The next thing you knew, you fell backwards and were now on the ground, your head and body were still one. Funnily enough, it was the orc who lost its head instead of you. As his severed head and body fell to the ground, you met eye contact with Boromir, who had an ax stained with orc blood in his hold. 

He dropped the ax and it clattered against the rock as he knelt across you, holding your face. “Are you hurt?”

You shook your head, trembling in his hold and he pulled you closer. “No, I’m not, I’m fine.” Without a second thought, you wrapped your arms around him. “Thank you for saving me.”

Boromir pulled you up to your feet and started taking you to where everyone else was. You noticed how sleepy and exhausted he was. “Never do that ever again. I will always be here to protect you, but you can’t count on that all the time. From now on, you’re not taking watch alone.”

That night, you slept in his arms, only because you asked him to. No one made you feel safer than Boromir did. 

-

The second time he saved you was in the Mines of Moria. Those bloody archers almost got a hit at every single one of you but you took comfort in Aragorn and Legolas having immense skill with a bow. The cave troll almost stepped on Sam until you, Boromir and Aragorn held on the chains tight and pulled it back as far as you can to give Sam enough time to escape. Boromir glanced down at his arms to see the chains somehow wrapped around himself and before he could make any action, the cave troll swung him across the wall.

Gathering the strength he had to get up and his head throbbed. All he could hear were painful ringing noises and could barely make out what was going on in front of him. Everything was blurry.

Until Legolas shouted, “Look out!”

Believing it referred to himself, he crept sideways, narrowly missing the orc about to stab him with its sword. The orc suddenly grunted and he noticed a dagger sticking out its head before the orc fell and he was greeted by Aragorn nodding at him.

Turns out, Legolas meant you and not him, only noticing the troll holding an enormous spear, seconds ready from impaling you with it. Without any thought, Boromir ran for it and the next thing he knew, he was lying face down on the floor with you beside him, his head still throbbing but his senses were slowly recovering. Lifting himself off the ground, staggering while trying to keep his balance, he found Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and Aragorn fighting the troll to distract it from the hobbits who were doing their best to avoid it.

“Are you all right?” Boromir asked you, wiping off the dirt and blood off his face.

You stared at him, astonished. “Forget about me, Boromir, I would ask you the same thing!”

His head throbbed again as he waved his hand dismissively.

-

Everyone needed a long night or two of sleep in Lothlórien. Boromir especially, his concussion did not go unnoticed to the remaining Fellowship and partially explained why he acted so sullen. The elves offered to give him medicine and he refused, stating that it would all go away by simply sleeping it off, only giving in when the elves would not stop insisting and Aragorn made him give in.

The Elves were kind and responsive. Some of them could not speak the Common Tongue, but all that mattered was that the Lady and the Lord themselves were able to speak it plus Haldir. Aragorn and Legolas could translate if that was the last resort. 

Boromir was a good man and you would die defending that basis but he had the tendency to act strange at times. Whether the lingering thought of the Ring was bothering him or someone in the Fellowship was, you honestly couldn’t tell. Despite that, he was more than willing to talk to you even if he was grumpy.

“I had a peculiar dream the other night,” said Boromir. “More peculiar than the dream that brought me to Rivendell.”

“What was it about?”

“I saw a forest. Large and beautiful, yes, but eerie. There were broken statues of elf maidens and great lords of history. I was someone, but I don’t know who, if I was myself or someone else. There were laughs and screams echoing and I tried to look for the source. I thought someone was being attacked and needed help, but I found nothing and everything would become more faint the closer I thought I was getting.”

You sat there, deep in thought. “Do you believe it is more than a dream? I dream of scenarios more bizarre and nothing comes out of it.”

“You’re not understanding me,” said Boromir impatiently. “I think those elven herbs made me… loopy, but it’s trying to tell me something. A warning.”

You were sure he was not in his right mind and you left him to his own thoughts. The effects wore off just in time, right before departing Lothlórien. He made no reference to the dream but you were positive he thought about it all the time. Galadriel noticed and she pulled him aside for a private talk in an attempt to lift his spirits.

It didn’t work.

-

He knew Galadriel meant well but his mind was too troubled to care. Mentioning you was what soured it. He still remembered what he told you; that you can’t always count on him to save you. That’s assuming he lives long enough.

According to her, you were indebted to him and you were planning to return the favour. He would also show his worth at the fullest but whether he obtains his heart’s deepest desire or not is to be determined.

“It does not depend on you, but on the one you love most,” she told him at last.

All he ever wanted was a Gondor free from threats, his father as the stern but honorable man he knew and his brother happy without being shamed by their father. And despite your foolishness matching Pippin’s, he cared about you more than he thought he would. He wanted you.

Why can’t he have both? Why should he choose between seeing his people safe or a fulfilled life with you when he can have both?

The Eye of Sauron watched his city for as long as he could remember and he’s reached a point where the Fellowship’s efforts were all in vain and fruitless in his view.

Men have gained victory from fighting fire with fire. Boromir does not see why it cannot happen again to end Sauron.

He made a decision.

-

A decision he would come to regret as soon as he carried it out.

Merry and Pippin stood behind him on his command, fearful but determined to assist him. He would prefer them to leave him and run as far away as they can and find a safe place to hide in. He would buy them some time if he could, but they refused to leave him.

There had to be at least six dozen orcs charging at them. Those orcs were unfamiliarly large and much more dangerous, he reckoned the biggest of them were as tall as him and Aragorn. So far, he has hacked them off but not without difficulty and sooner or later he’ll have a sword through his chest. 

Was this what Galadriel meant when she told him he was going to meet his full worth? He accepted death long before a man should be fully accustomed to it and envisioned himself dying to protect his people. 

He did not ever think that “his people” referred to the little ones, a ranger from the North, a curious elf, a cheeky dwarf and you.

As accurate as Merry and Pippin were with their rock throwing abilities, anxiety occasionally overtook them and these new orcs were strong. One of them dodged the rocks and Boromir was ready to enter death’s arms when he saw it charge at him that he could not counter in time, but it fell sideways suddenly and he saw a dagger in its head. There you stood, running over to them as fast as you can, your sword in your hand.

“You came,” said Boromir as if he did not expect her arrival in the first place. “I’d never thought-”

“Never will I leave a friend in times of crisis,” you said, baffled that he dared to question such an act. “Especially if they helped me many times before.”

A debt repaid, Boromir thought, remembering Galadriel’s words. And how will the second one go?

He would find out very soon when you stepped in to take an arrow meant for him.

-

You took two.

He had never seen you so afraid. He thought you were one of those people that wasn’t capable of being afraid. You reminded him of all the soldiers he watched pass away. Yet you did not show any regret in taking those arrows. The only thing you regretted was the capture of Merry and Pippin.

Tears streamed down his eyes. He blamed himself and his stupidity for your current state, all because he thought taking the Ring was the only way to ensure harmony for his people, his country and his relationship with you. He wanted to laugh bitterly. What relationship? She only saw me as a friend. What was I thinking?

He recalled an older memory with his father when he was a young man. “Life is unfair, my son,” he told him firmly. There was no warmth in his voice. “You never have everything you want. The greatest challenge is choosing which takes precedence.”

If the price he had to pay for his mistakes was his own life, that he understood. You reap what you sow. But your own life despite doing nothing wrong? It was tragic and agonizing, but made too much sense in a horrible world. The world was full of innocent people whose life was cut short and of evil people living life in the fullest way.

“It should’ve been me,” he muttered. “It should’ve- it should’ve-”

Aragorn dropped his sword in shock before running over to you, taking a closer look at the arrows. Boromir did not notice his presence until he spoke.

“She still has a pulse,” Aragorn said. “And she was lucky to be hit where she was. Any higher or lower would be fatal.”

“It should’ve been me,” repeated Boromir, still in disbelief.

“Do not say that!” Aragorn snapped. “Have some hope in you, Boromir! She lives for now. These arrows are unlike anything I have seen and pulling them out is a risk. It is one we must be willing to take to put athelas to her wounds.”

They did find a way to pull the arrows out without killing you but it was not easy. Boromir took deep breaths as he watched Aragorn apply athelas to your wounds and started to wonder how things would have gone if you had just not stepped in the pathway.

He was not sure if it was for better or worse that he lived. Frankly, he did not want to think of it anymore.

-

The first thing you noticed as soon as you woke up was the change in environment. The last thing you remember was a forest in the daytime. Now you were on a hill after dusk. Beside you, Boromir was on the lookout for any orcs. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were nowhere to be found. The sound of you stirring and your hand running through grassfields startled Boromir. Seeing you alive delighted him and you thought about how you never saw Boromir that happy.

“What happened? Where are the others? Why is it just us two?” You placed a hand on your forehead as if that was going to do anything. 

“They’re heading towards Rohan. I stayed back so I can take care of you. I promise you, we will see them again. I sense it is soon now that you are recovering.”

“And Frodo and Sam?”

Boromir recoiled at the mention of Frodo but he maintained his posture. “They left for Mordor on their own. It is up to us to find how we can help them in another way. They cannot do it alone.”

You nodded, not saying anything as you fully agreed. You saw the dressing on your wounds and you moved your arms to see if they were still intact. They were.

“You should not have done that,” said Boromir. “If you had not lived, I- I do not know how I can live with it. I love you, truly.”

“I love you too. We all deserve a second chance, do we not?”

Boromir smiled. He grabbed your hand and squeezed it.

“Thank you for your unwavering faith in me.”

[saiintvalentiine]

THIS IS AN ASK ENCOURAGING YOU TO WORD VOMIT ABOUT YOUR WIPS!!!

~ ✧✦✧

WIP TALK WIP TALK

I have like 5 active WIPs but I'm gonna talk about 2 in particular: wingfic au and actively modified au

wingfic has me MISERABLE because I want to go back and forth on POVs but I have no skill for Parrot's POV omggggg it's so HARD but also I have to like................contrive a way to make everything work out in the end and I'm DUMB bro. deeply tempted to just skip over all the hard parts but then that'd leave a patchy narrative.

Some of my favorite bits of it so far:

Polite Parrot

Wifies doesn't sleep in late, or even very much in general, but Parrot always wakes at the crack of dawn. He's polite about it— won't make too much noise, won't knock on Wifies’s door before noon, that kind of stuff. He was so polite about Wifies being unable to fly, too, letting his birdcage house languish as they found a different corner of the world to build an earth-bound hideout that Wifies could navigate without having to finagle an Elytra on. He doesn’t ask about it, but Wifies is pretty sure that’s because he’s waiting for the day that Wifies to arrive sleep-warm and vulnerable to the kitchen where he’ll be able to pry as much as he possibly can out of Wifies’s quiet mouth. Parrot will have to pull him to pieces to find out, so Wifies has been contemplating taking a sabbatical from Unstable. He’s pretty sure he’s falling sick, anyway, and he’s got to figure out how he’s going to check that he isn’t introducing rust into his body.

and Honey Toast

He [Wifies] wants to be done with this. He wants to crawl in a hole and be unbothered. He wants Parrot to sharpen his sword for him and make fun of him for eating honey toast, until Wifies holds a piece to his mouth for a taste.

You may be asking: saiint, why honey toast? and I say: guys please sharing a sweet little treat is all I have in this world, I love it when characters hold food out for each other!!!!

Actively modified au is from this post I made and I just cannot stop thinking about it. What if Ken and Wifies went off to a world together after the april fools stuff just to relax and Ken got to witness the material consequences of Evilfies's desires. I'm chewing on drywall. help. This one is notably less fleshed out than wingfic (about 2k words less) but I feel like it'd be easier to finish??? so I think I'll focus on it more

Favorite bits so far:

The initial discussion

“Loser,” Ken calls out as Wifies swims to shore and pulls himself out. “We gotta sleep. These phantoms are unbearable.” “No,” Wifies says automatically, shaking his hair out and whipping his axe at the few stray phantoms left. “Every time I go to sleep, I wake up and something’s changed.” “What?” Ken says, daylight breaking through the horizon just as the last phantom dies. “What does that mean?” Wifies glances over, and Ken’s concerned expression surprises him. A lot of things have been surprising him lately. “Um. When I sleep. I wake up with something changed. So I try to not sleep.” “That—” Ken’s expression twists. Wifies can't tell what exactly he's feeling, but his tail is ramrod straight, fur standing on end. “That won't happen here. It shouldn't, and it won't. Nothing like that has ever happened to me in any world I've been in, and it's not gonna start now.” Wifies wants to believe him. Ken hasn't lied to him so far, not when they met or when he took Wifies’s hand or brought Wifies to a whole new world to explore, but he can't believe him now. Wifies may have lived a life full of lies and fantasy, but this was real. He knows it's real. He knows something happens every time.

Living with the Evidence:

“Ken,” he says again, voice tinged with something ugly. He looks into the river, and his mismatched eyes look back— one a pale grey, the other a deep black. “Why are my eyes different colors?” “What?? Mine are different too,” Ken frowns, pushing his bangs back from his forehead as if that’ll help somehow. “His weren’t, though.” “. . . No, they weren’t.” Wifies touches the corner of his grey eye and pulls it down a bit. There, under the waterline, is the faintest red line. If he pulls up his upper lid, he knows he'll see its mirror. “I fell asleep one day,” Wifies says slowly, turning each word over like a stone. “And when I woke up, my eye hurt. I didn’t get a lot of chances to see myself. There weren’t mirrors in the rooms, and iron tools were rare, water even rarer. But one day I finally got to see myself, and my eye was different. It wasn’t always grey.” Wifies doesn’t look at Ken. He can tell that the idea is taking root in Ken’s mind, his fingers tightening where they hold Wifies. Wifies doesn’t know the truth, but there’s the shape of a truth there, and it looms over him with a hundred sharpened teeth. “It’s not that I don’t want to believe you. I just. . . live with the evidence.”

so much writing to do so little time!!! do we have a preferred WIP so far chat. do we have thoughts. would we like elaboration on either. im going crazy out here. is anybody out there.

[shimmerbeasts]

If Haarlep was mourning the master of the House, it was not showing. He had quite literally played a part in this by letting their sneaky guests get their hands on the Orphic Hammer all for another glamour. Did Mizora know that? No, of course not. Did Raphael know that? No, of course not (even if he had, it didn't matter now). He was a fiend after all, and loyal to Mephistopheles, not Raphael, despite their long years together, and the shared nights and moments. Bickering like an old married couple, perhaps, but they were far from anything one might call in love. Two fiends, one so self obsessed that he would only love himself, and Haarlep, a slave to the touch of others, which Raphael gave to him whenever he needed. A damn good feast, though... One that would be sorely missed in that regard. Such a shame... Such a pretty shame at that. Well, he supposed he'd have to get his food from elsewhere now. Such was the Hells, after all.

Haarlep pouted in response. "Come, Mizora, not even you would deny that this is a spectacular face," he said, shoulders back and chest out as he gave her a smouldering look, showing Raphael's most regal stance. King of all the Hells--Raphael could only dream. He took a step forward, bare feet on the ground and tail swaying behind him. "Besides, with my contract now void, I believe I'll take my time getting back to Cania. I may just delve into the darkest pits of Avernus and see what I can feast upon." It was a hell of a lot warmer up here anyway. He'd gotten used to Avernus, and the filth that lived there. Inspecting his claws, he brushed them onto his chest. "Would you prefer a mirror image?" He smiled in her direction, eyes halving. "You know the cost of that, dear." But was she so self loving as Raphael was? Time would tell.

Harleep was right about one thing: Mizora did not know what Wyll and his playmates had done in the House of Hope. However, she had known that they had planned to somehow get into the place. Wyll had been cunning enough to remove the sending stone from his eye socket before they had made the trip, though she had heard the mention of the House.

When the sending stone rematerialised in Wyll's eye socket again come the next noon, the little group of misfits had already made their escape. Judging by the overlapping yelling and snippets along the lines of "I cannot believe we pulled this off.", "This was way too close for comfort." and "The next time I have an idea like this, Lae'zel, do me the favour and punch me in the face!", whatever their mission had been, they had succeeded by a hair.

Whatever hair-brained idea they had concocted - it would not be the first time that Wyll's group did the most nonsensical idea, they could think of -, it certainly was another note of excitement in this little journey. Mizora would have to question Wyll on what the little pup had done in the House of Hope once she found the time.

"Haarleep", Mizora said matter-of-factly, "The only urge I feel when I am looking at that whiteboard, you call a handsome face, is the impulse to rip your head from your shoulders and peel the meat from your cheekbones." She took a deep breath, wings briefly opening and closing as the Cambion wrestled down the contempt for the now-dead master of the House of Hope. "Just change it", she reiterated, "Or are you telling me you have gotten so used to wearing Raphael's hide, you have forgotten how to shapeshift?"

"I won't mind you turning into someone female", Mizora said, making a point to speak softer and calmer this time, "However, I have no interest in seeing a mirror image of myself wander about. I always found Raphael's infatuation with himself quite gauche. Though if he wanted to be a show pony so badly, whom am I to judge?"

After all, how did Raphael so eloquently put it? Oh, that was right! Mizora was her mistress' ground's keeper. Though who had the last laugh now? Raphael had lost his inheritance and his life. Meanwhile, Mizora had taken the opportunity found in a punishment decades old and made the menagerie her own! Furthermore, she had figured out what niche Zariel demanded of her to be irreplaceable. After all, how did the saying go? If you cannot beat them, join them.

@dvilsdesire cont. from here.

[scythegameing]

Conflicting Lives- Chapter 7: Midnight Nightmare, Afternoon Patrol

Word Count: 2788

Scythe looked up at Martian from where he was poised on the ground, clutching the deep wound in his right side. The red-clad villain had knocked him down with a powerful blow, and he was now half laying, half sitting against the brick wall of the alleyway they were in. A small pool of Scythe's crimson-violet blood was forming on the rough concrete below him, also scattered across Martian's upper body from their fight.

Scythe tried desperately to crawl away from Martian. He still had his entire life ahead of him. He was scared to die, and he didn’t want to die either, but something told him that Martian wouldn't let him go, even if he was begging on the brink of death.

But he still tried. “Please…” Scythe said, his voice barely above a whisper thanks to his quickly fading strength. As Martian stopped in front of him, Scythe could no longer hold his head up to look at him. “Please… I don’t want to die…”

“If only you had realized that sooner.” Martian smirked, his confidence and hatred oozing out as he spoke. “Too bad, no one’s here to save poor, little…” His voice faded, Scythe seeing his lips move, words forever unheard.

His voice now barely audible to even himself, Scythe’s vision blurred with the tears that now ran down his cheeks,  mixing with the drying blood on his face. Martian squatted down to where Scythe was laying on the ground, and lifted his head with his fingers covered in the Enderian's blood.

In the brits place, a soft, worried voice filled. “...Scythe… Scythe!” The young Enderian’s eyes shot open and he scrambled to sit up. He moved his hand almost immediately to his right side where he swore he still felt the pain of his wound.

Scythe’s heart still raced and his breath still seemed to come a bit short as he looked around the room he was in. He was in his room, in his dorm, in Cursia, and far, far, away from Martian. Taking a deep breath, Scythe took his hand off of his side, the pain from his nightmare still lingering in his mind.

“Scythe, are you alright?” The soft voice said again, somehow filled with even more worry. He looked to the side and saw Ella sitting up beside him, her eyes filled with worry and her wings fluffed in a protective manner. Scythe moved his hand to hers and slowly nodded.

“I think so, now that I’m awake.” He said slowly, testing to see how much she wanted to know, and how much he was willing to share. The worry in Ella’s eyes softened slightly, but she was still very obviously concerned about him.

“I promise, Ella. I’ll be fine. I just need to wrap my head around what happened.” He looked away as he said that, thinking about the dream a moment longer, then looked at Ella one more time. “You don’t have to worry love, I’ll be ok.”

Ella crossed her arms and looked away, fake pouting as she spoke. “I don’t believe you.” she said simply, her wings flapping very slightly on her back. Scythe simply chuckled and pulled her close, resting his head on hers.

“You don’t have to believe me, you just have to trust me.” he said to her, and she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around him in return. The pair stayed like that for a few minutes longer, simply enjoying the warmth and comfort of the other.

Eventually, Scythe spoke again. “How about we try to sleep again? It's still too early to be fully awake, and I have a patrol to watch for myself at noon.” he had said. Ella took a few moments before responding, her voice quiet and edged with sleepiness. “Fine, but you’re not escaping cuddles.”

Scythe chuckled, his chest shaking and his mood improving immediately, the nightmare temporarily forgotten. “Alright, alright. We can cuddle back to sleep, but we have to lay back down to cuddle properly.”

Ella almost immediately let go and layed back down in the bed, shuffling and adjusting to make room for Scythe to lay next to her, and held her arms out to beckon him down. He chuckled once more under his breath before adjusting himself to properly lay down, Ella pulling him to her as soon as he got situated, and he wrapped his arms around her in turn.

“Now sleep. And no nightmares during cuddles.” Ella said. “Alright, no nightmares with cuddles.” Scythe conceded. The two Enderian hybrids held each other, eventually falling asleep cradled in each others arms with no nightmares or unsettling dreams to be had for the remainder of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scythe woke up a few hours later, the sun shining through the window blinds, the clock by the bed reading 10:40am. As he rubbed his eyes from their sleepiness, realizing that he now had an hour and 20 minutes to get dressed, eat, and get to the Agency building for his patrol.

“Good morning sleepyhead” Scythe heard Ella say from the doorway, not even realizing she had opened it. The sweet and savory smell of waffles met his nose, and he smiled a still-sleepy smile.

“Good morning my favoritest person in the world.” Scythe said, rubbing his eyes once more and getting up from the bed. He walked over to the doorway where Ella still stood, holding his arm out for a hug as he approached. Chuckling, she embraced his hug and after a few moments, let go and led him into the kitchen where the wonderful smell was coming from.

Spread across the kitchen counters was admittedly a mess, but amongst the mess sat two pretty plates of food. One of waffles, and one of bacon and eggs. Scythe’s mouth started to water from the smell and sight of the delicious food, and he grabbed a plate to get himself some breakfast. Ella soon followed, and they sat down at the small table to eat their breakfast/brunch.

It didn't take long to eat considering Scythe had found himself to be very hungry when he took the first bite. Once finished, he and Ella rinsed their dishes, and he helped her to clean up the mess that was spread amongst the kitchen counter. It took a few minutes longer than expected, and once the pair had finally finished cleaning the counter and washing the dishes, it was 11:00.

With an hour before he had to be at the agency, Scythe decided it was about time to get dressed in his Uniform and head out. He figured that if he left earlier than he usually would, he might be able to save some energy by going slower in case anything, or anyone, came up. Him and Ella talked for a bit longer after Scythe had changed.

He ended up leaving at around 11:15, but that still left him 45 minutes to get there. Before long, he pulled out his phone and messaged Joel.

Scythe: Do you want to join me on the way to Patrol?

Joel: Why? Are you lonely without me?

Scythe: Oh shut up! Have you met yourself when it's been a long day and you haven’t had the chance to see Etho or Lizzie?

Joel: …

Joel: Shut up. 

Scythe: Hmm

Scythe: No, I don’t think I will

Joel: Rude.

Scythe: Yeah :D

Scythe laughed to himself, and he was sure that Joel was too at his

house. It was a few moments until Joel started typing again.

Scythe put his phone back away, and started leaping and climbing his way up the nearest easily accessible rooftop. Once up, he looked around to make sure of which way he needed to go in. He realized he needed to go in the opposite direction he was facing, but once corrected, he started heading to the address.

Joel: Where do you want to meet? I have to get changed, but it shouldn’t take too long.

Scythe: How about that one café off of  [xxxx] and [xxxx]?

Joel: Sure, I’m about 10 minutes out, tops.

Scythe: I’m about the same, meet ya there.

Read

Leaping across all kinds of different kinds of roofs, Scythe swiftly made it to the café, making sure to put up an illusion before hopping back down onto the street and walking up to the building’s doors.

After placing his drink order, Scythe found a seat close to the door and a window so he could see Joel when he got here. It didn’t take long before he saw Joel walking up the door, and when he walked through the door, Scythe waved to get his attention. Joel waved back and walked up to the counter to place his own order, then joined the younger man at the table.

“Fancy seeing you here, eh stranger?” Joel said with a wide smile as he sat down in the chair. 

“Oh wow, didn’t know you hang around these parts, stranger.” Scythe responded while trying, and failing, to hold back his laughter

Before long, the two burst out into laughter, and once they had stopped laughing, a worker came by with their drinks. Scythe could swear he recognized her bright orange hair and antlers, with the pointy elf ears to match. Nevertheless, he thanked her for bringing their drinks, and took a drink of his own cappuccino.

Scythe must have been very visible in deep thought about the waitress, and Joel most definitely noticed. “You alright there mate? You’re thinking too much, I can tell.” Scythe perked up, momentarily forgetting that he was in the café in the first place.

“Yeah, sorry.” Scythe rubbed his head before continuing, “I feel like I know that waitress from somewhere else, I just can’t place where from.” He took another drink of his coffee, and waited for Joel to respond.

“I thought so too, but damn dude you think too much.” Joel said after taking a drink of his own coffee. After he took his drink he just shrugged ,”You’ll figure it out at some point, let's just enjoy our drinks until we have to go.”

“Fair enough” Scythe felt himself agreeing. He knew he would figure it out another day, but the girl seemed to stick in the back of his mind until the pair had finished their drinks and had to leave once more.

They had spent about 15 minutes there, and only had about another 15 to get to the Agency building. It would be a close fit, but they would be able to get there in time. Walking out of the building, Scythe turned to Joel with a mischievous smile on his lips.

“Bet I can beat you there without teleporting!” he said as he jumped away from the brunette. He had jumped to the ladder of a nearby building, using it to climb up onto the roof. Once he made it up, he disabled his illusion, revealing his hero uniform and he peered over the edge of the building to where Joel was standing before, only to find him missing.

“Y’know you’re a bit slow climbing things, right?” Scythe heard a voice from behind him, really close to his ear, and jumped. Turning around, he saw Joel there with his wings and hero uniform, smirking even wider than he had been earlier.

“Not fair! You have wings!” Scythe pouted. “You can use your wings to get there either, just like I can't teleport.” he tried to reason.

Joel pondered on the thought for a moment before responding. “Fine, sounds fair enough. But if the time cuts too close I can’t promise I won't fly the rest of the way” The brunette shifted his weight to one leg and crossed his arms. “Deal?”

Scythe stood up from where he was still crouched on the rooftop. “Deal. See you later, slow poke!” and with that, he ran and jumped to the next rooftop, landing well and keeping his momentum to run and leap to the next. 

After landing again, Scythe looked back to find Joel confused for a split second before making a running start and following. Both of them had smiles plastered across their faces as they ran, the lead constantly fluctuating between them. At one point, Scythe had misjudged a jump, landing rough and killing most of his momentum, where Joel had used his wings to help him clear the gap.

Seeing Joel use his wings to help him, Scythe recovered quickly, catching up easily with a small, innocent, teleport forward. “You use your wings, I use my teleporting!” he said as he caught up to Joel, teleporting to a nearby rooftop to gain the lead once more, smiling mischievously the whole time.

Joel, temporarily stunned and confused, launched himself in the air a moment later, zooming up to where Scythe was, now quite a few rooftops in front of him. “It’s not my fault you misjudged the leap! I was only using my resources!” he said before propelling himself further forward and up with his wings.

“If you want to play that way, it looks like I'll just have to use my resources too.” Scythe said to himself, Joel being well out of earshot by now. He teleported to the next few rooftops, closing the gap between him and Joel. Once he was close enough and made sure he had enough energy to teleport again, he teleported a few meters in front of Joel. He had positioned the teleport so that Joel would have to catch him if he wanted to keep flying, and so that he wouldn't crash down onto a rooftop.

And it worked perfectly. Joel saw Scythe falling in front of him and scrambled to catch him and keep flying before he crashed to the ground. After realizing what Scythe had done, Joel looked at the young enderian with a glare that shot all kinds of daggers.

“I used my resources, just like you did” is all that Scythe said in response, earning an eye roll and annoyed scoff from the winged brunette who held him. 

“You’re damn lucky that I care about you enough not to drop you right now.” Joel said after a minute more of just flying. Scythe saw that he was smiling, and he smiled as he replied, “I know, but all that teleporting was getting exhausting anyways.”

Joel muttered something along the lines of “Fair enough, I guess,” and flew the rest of the way to the Agency. It only took them around 5 more minutes to get there, and they spent probably around 12 or 13 getting there in total.

With those few minutes left once they actually arrived, they went inside to see who else was there, and to see if they could find their other 2 patrol members.

It didn't take long at all to find them either. iWork and Voidling were talking with each other just inside of the main doors, looking over at Scythe and Joel as they walked in. Voidling seemed to smile under his mask as he waved the pair over. “Lux, Stratos! Come over and chat for a bit before we go!” He said in a cheery tone.

Scythe smiled and walked over to them, Joel following close behind. “Hey guys!” He said as he got to them, and was handed a cup of water. He shrugged and took a drink, liking the way the cold helped to cool him down from the journey. 

“Safe passage here I hope?” iWork asked after handing Joel a cup of his own. 

Joel took a drink before he replied. “It was, but this child--” he looked at Scythe “-- decided to teleport in front of me while I was flying and made me have to carry him the rest of the way”

“Hey! I didn’t make you carry me! You even said so yourself; you care too much about me to have dropped me!” Scythe replied with a playfully offended gasp.

The winged man’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “Oh, shut up! No one asked for your input peanut gallery!” he reported jokingly.

“Alright you two, settle down.” Voidling said, stepping forward slightly to position himself between Joel and Scythe as they stared at each other. The masked hero turned to iWork and said, “It looks like we might have our hands full this afternoon.”

“Hey!” Scythe and Joel said simultaneously, causing the other two men to burst out in laughter, themselves stunned into silence and just staring at each other.

“Did that just happen?” Scythe asked.

“Yeah. Yeah it did.” Joel replied.

And the pair stood in shock as Voidling and iWork died of laughter on the floor.

(to be continued)

<<<Previous Next>>>

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of march

- a day late because we decided to spend 6 hours trying to make sense of a 1500 piece world of warcraft puzzle last night and fell asleep while doing that, lol

1. THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND by Bad Omens

it's such a banger! I've known about the band before from tiktok but one of my friends showed me Just pretend and somehow that made me more curious. ever since that party I've been listening to this whole new album but this is by far the best song on it.

2. Complete Collapse - Acoustic by Sleeping With Sirens

march was such a fun month! I've been to my first ever VIP meet and greet before a concert and it was the best thing I've ever experienced! meeting the boys, who were there for me when noone was almost 10 years ago.. it was my best experience so far with musicians. they were down to earth, kind, they asked a few questions when I took the picture with them. lovely event!

3. Fighting Myself by Linkin Park

this song made me cry, it made me emotional, it changed my whole life, it had & has such a big impact on me! I'm obsessed.

& my fav memory ever: I had trouble sleeping, I've been going through a tough time lately and my bf knows I fall asleep easier if I listen to some music. I put this one on and he asked for the unused half of my earbuds so he can listen to it with me. I love this boy with my whole heart.

4. HOPE by NF

the last verse/the discourse at the end of this song opened up so many emotions and thoughts in me. knowing that I'm not alone and it gets better if you fight hard enough for it... life changing.

5. ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine

I know this one from the tiktok trend & love the chill/sad vibes. it's all such a mood. actually the lyrics has so great storytelling, I enjoy songs like this one so much!

"lovely to sit between comfort and chaos" 🤍

6. deepfake by brakence

I'm super excited about this song. I've been listening to it on repeat in the last couple of days and it's actually one of the best brakence songs. love the dude as always.

7. The Exit by Conan Gray

I relate to this song endlessly.

family stuff is getting harder and harder to process as I'm getting more and more of my memories back. I never kenw this much stuff was hiding in the dark, but I'm not that suprised I've been dealing with shit this poorly if my whole life was a huge trauma. cptsd sucks.

8. September by Sparky Deathcap

still a huge fav. it makes me smile that this whole song is about some dude being so angry that he just wants to beat the shit out of someone. I live for the passion in this song.

9. The Search by NF

old fav, it surfaced again because of my obsession with HOPE. I found the line "looking for the map to HOPE" so fascinating, I belive this guy is a genius and I truly believe that I love every song he ever made.

10. And the Snakes Start to Sing by Bring Me The Horizon

I'm still stuck in this nostalgic mindset, especially with these huge albums turning 10, 20 years old (linkin park, bmth). this song had a huge effect on me and I always loved it but a few days ago I truly realized, that this is not a love song in any way shape or form.I always happened to find toxic, narcissistic people and their love was the only thing I knew. it's been 7 months since I've gotten together eith my bf and I noticed I was getting "bored" of the peace and comfort I'm getting from him. it's the strangest thing if you think about it. I'm getting bored because I'm safe, I'm not in danger anymore. it's truly a sad thing to realise.

[phoenixislost]

Let's see, let's see, let's see, I want to think of good words, not terribly common words, hmmm

Past?

You somehow managed to hit a landmine with this one. It's in all four of my wips.

Snippets under the cut ;A;

From the Perilous Trail Fic/HR Sequel:

It is mildly surprising, but – Zhongli is not with him. Never before has Childe come to the Karst alone, let alone sent a summons to meet with this group of his own volition. He has extended olive branches and courteous gestures in the past, sure – but always with the protection of his lover not far from reach.

Though they exist in shorter sessions now, Xiao has taken on his regular patrols again. It has been a wholly transformative experience, to return to his work after becoming a father. Where he might have pushed himself harder, pressed past his limits and wrung himself dry – now Xiao limits himself.

From the Hanahaki Scaraether fic:

The domain is its new home for a time. It wanders these lonely halls in perpetuity. Things never change in this place – it is constantly stuck in twilight. The trees keep their leaves, the wind blows the same way, and the silence always persists. Sometimes, its mind plays tricks on it. Birdsong, or the occasional beat of a drum – things it wishes it could experience, just once, flitter past its ears.

Feeling in his body fades away, and he cannot save himself from the fall; not even if he had wanted to. Air rushes past him, and in his blurring vision he sees their silhouettes watching his descension.

“Is it possible… to change the past?” Aether’s hesitation and surprise is answer enough.

All of this – how could it be? To have a past that he does not remember, to have tried to erase his own existence –

The world shifts. In a dream, he relives the past. He remembers none of it, yet it all feels very familiar. With each new memory, with each new change of scenery, the heaviness in his chest grows just a little more intense.

For a moment, he thinks that Aether will refuse. And – well, he has every right to. Their past is muddy at best; not exactly conducive to an amicable meal together. But then, as he manages to do in every other facet – Aether surprises him, and sits down.

“ – cannot expect me to have the place cleaned on my own. I know you don’t believe me when I say this, but I have work to do just as much as you do – And with deadlines, to boot!” Kaveh seethes. “I know I have let this fly in the past, and the timing is questionable, but – ” “But,” Al-Haitham cuts in, “Now you have the pent up frustration of feeling left out during a great time of change. And you’ve decided to take it out on me. Rather than rationalize everything and find a solution, you have decided to lean on your emotions and use your ideals as a crutch once again.”

Abel realizes, then, that today is an exercise in resilience. Buer was not just touring him around to acquaint him with his new colleagues; she was acquainting him with his past sins, too.

Abel nods minutely. Then, he turns his gaze to Ruhan again. “Boss – ” he tries. Buer tries to shush him, but he is insolent enough right now to ignore her. He swallows past the feeling of glass in his throat, and he croaks, “Thank you – again – ” He shakes his head when he sees that Ruhan is about to refuse, or tell him that his thanks are unnecessary. “Too kind – ” he gasps. “Thank you.”

Just past noon, Buer finally summons for him. The day had grown unbearably hot, so he had taken a visit to the Puspa Café. Cup of bitter tea in his hands, he had found a corner to sequester himself in, and sipped at it quietly. Now, the cup is nearly drained – but Abel dreads going back into the heat, so he settled further into his seat and relented to the idea of spending his afternoon here.

Without much of a thought – Abel takes to the skies. His Vision glows as he rises into the air. The remaining joints of his body glow with it, giving him an ethereal visage. From up here, he can see past the hills and the trees, well off into the distance.

From the Xiaoether Apocalypse AU:

They end up needing to leave their camp sooner than Aether would have liked. A group of men drive by in a truck. It roves slowly past their abandoned camp – slow enough for them to hear the sounds of people screaming from inside the back trailer. He doesn’t remember anything like this from his last visit here, which means this group only settled in the area within the last few months. The truck continues past the camp and heads toward the snowy mountain that looms overhead. As it disappears into the fog and the snow, Aether breathes a sigh of relief.

Seagulls cry overhead as Paimon horses around in the sand. She had been overly cautious at the blue expanse that stretched past the shore – but the soft grains of sand had tickled when Aether coaxed her to place her hands in it. And that was enough. Now, she plays with reckless abandon and the innocence befitting of a child.

Liyue is much warmer at this time of year, and especially further south, near to the border of Sumeru. If he can get Paimon past the higher plains of northern Liyue, then they might be able to spend a warm winter near Sumeru’s border.

The north of Liyue is still chilly, but past the river is already a stark difference from Mondstadt. It is not as biting, and the wind is more forgiving. Golden sunlight cuts through the early morning fog and warms their bones.

From the Kavetham Quicksand Fic:

As with any one of their past arguments – this one begins with a bit of petty discourse.  Kaveh supposes that he walked himself into this one. What begins as a critique of Al-Haitham’s (lack of) taste in décor very naturally devolves into a (one-sided) shouting match; the likes of which could very well probably be heard all the way down Treasures Street.

[curiokins]

I should not be allowed to talk about my life as the hero of the seas i swear to got i get emotional and miss my dad.

Under cut ramble cause it will be a mess and I just wanna brain dump

I remember my captain always trying to teach me shit when I was first brought aboard the ship. I didnt really listen (and the beginning I didnt even understand them) but he would always try to teach me.

I think I was mute for most of the beginning even after I was taught the hylian language (among others like gerudo and zora) and I mostly snarled or grunted.

Anyway I just remember being with the captain in his quarters with him always trying to tell me stories of history and what mostly hooked me was his tales of conquest of sorts. Being a pirate and all so treasure and looting.

Maybe I was more interested in those cause he always ended up boasting and I got so enamored so he just always put on some flair.

God I remember also him teaching me to use his pistol a few times. It was one of the few times he'd let ANYONE touch his pistol.

I dont think he ever said it or referred me as such and I never called him dad but he was my dad. And the crew was my family. Amd I think he did see me as his son.

I think he had intended for me to take over the ship after he was gone too. How much he taught me how to navigate without a map to leading the crew to bartering and even bluffing.

I think I wouldve liked it too.

I cant really remember the few times we did dock on land. My strongest memories are of being out on the ocean.

One simple one but one i hold dear is just leaning over the railing and looking out at the sea with the sun set near noon, minimal clouds, a good sea breeze and just. Peeling away at some sort of citrus fruit and eating it. Tart and sweet while just basking and staring out at sea.

Another i remember is meeting with the sea Zoras. Particularly a secluded clan far from any mainlands. I remember my captain talking about how you can tell you are in zora territory if the waters start to look more shimmering than usual.

These zoras were colorful, tropical I guess. And they were situated in a technically sunken island. I believe a lagoon within the center. They were aggressive to most outsiders but somehow my captain managed to get on good terms with them and set up trade in a way.

[kmze]

I have got no clue what math story is or if Dries actually knows it or what was going on.But the entire season felt like a loop.And there was a pattern that was being followed for e.g Rebecca's episodes which I believe were 7×05,7×12 and 7×18.

7×05 Stefan says he will kill Julian.Cancels Date with Caroline.Don't remember whether he called her or Caroline called him.That wide shot of Caroline sitting alone in her dorm room was so painful to watch.Julian's soul is brought back into his body.

7×12 Stefan leaves to go save Damon's ass.Didn't text Caroline back.Kills Julian.Caroline alone in the hospital dying.

7×18 Stefan dying.Wants to write a letter to Caroline.Flashback of Stefan saying Caroline sent his letters back unopened (which was Julie's attempt to damage control).Stefan's soul is back into his body. (This is why I feel like they should have had Julian's soul in Stefan's body because that storyline ending abruptly felt weird)

What's interesting is this isn't the first time Stefan's soul was brought back.It happened before sometime in 7×10 and they never showed how it happened.Stefan said Bonnie pulled him out.Bonnie said Nora pulled him out(7×11).It never happened on the screen.In fact,they diminished Bonnie's importance in 7×10 when it came to Damon being pulled out.The importance was more on Damon and Lily and how his remorse for her death was the trigger which was absolutely OKAY and yet Bamon was still sidelined while we had an entire episode of Stalerie melodrama just to taint SC even more.Also in 7×16,the 'date' goes smoothly unlike in 7×11.I mean I know 7×11 had far more depth while 7×16 was extremely superficial.Later on,When Stefan died(went back into the stone),Val told Damon we brought him back before.WE? Before?When?She wasn't there in Damon's hell episode.I don't remember whether it was Julie or someone else but they said this episode was filmed right before Christmas and everyone was exhausted and just wanted out.Do you think this was one of those cases where an actress is replaced because the original one is not available?

There were some similar elements going on in 7×18 as that in 7×10.

Caroline: If Julian scorches Stefan's body,we can't get him back.

Damon: Noone's scorching his body yet.

Julian stole Stefan's body & scorched it.

This was one loop in Damon's hell.In another loop, Stefan was already back & said Caroline pulled him out first. It turned out, in reality,Stefan did manage to get out first & tried to move forward with Caroline but somehow still being haunted by Damon and the guilt of letting him go.

In 7×18, that vampire whose soul was in Stefan's body ran off and tried to scorch real stefan/Marty.Damon and alaric managed to stop him.Stefan is pulled out.But it was Val who did the spell.Not Caroline or Bonnie or Nora.So was he in the stone this entire time and what was shown before was not real?

Anyway,so Val got tons of screen time here. In the end ,she asked him to go back and make things right with Caroline.You know what this reminded me of? In 7×12,Caroline asked Val "I want you there with him(Stefan)." This was after she found out stefan went to MF to save Damon.Up until this point,Val was pretending to take care of her but Caroline's words were almost like words of approval for her.It's like she got the green-light to be HER. I don't know if I'm making any sense here or what Julie intended but it would have been better if they had at least explained the situation properly instead of straight up derailing the main couple of the season.Another point in 7×18,she said I could have been the love of your life too but in 7×03,she was bragging that she was the first love of Stefan's life.This proves she was an unreliable narrator,right?Because I think it was Katherine who was Stefan's first love or atleast before he knew what she was and then it was Elena?

I feel like a total crazy person right now because the plot was straight-up abomination in the name of storytelling.🤯

P.S: In one of my previous asks I had mentioned "spinning the globe" as a SC reference because Stefan was spinning the globe in his room while leaving voicemails for Caroline in 6×20 and it was a Sonnenshine episode.That's why it annoyed me so much.Elena's locket was a Stelena thing which was somehow turned into a Delena symbol.Globe/snowglobe was a SC symbol and it was used in a SV scene just like the coffee one.

Yeah I'm sorry Anon I really don't remember anything with Julian and burning Stefan's body and what that was all about. I thought the point with the stone was the person in there needed to do what the stone was trying to teach them and then a witch could pull them out. So Stefan's hell was drowning with Damon and he needed to let go of Damon because that's what the stone was trying to tell him. So Stefan let Damon die and then Bonnie was able to pull him out. Then Damon's hell was forgiving his mother and that just took longer because Damon is stubborn, then once he did that Bonnie pulled him out. I don't remember her saying Nora was involved but maybe she was. The post coming out of the stone they were loop-y and for some reason kept wanting to burn bodies. I don't care that much about the date being ruined because the date was kinda weird anyway (I do hate that scene in 7x05, I try to pretend it doesn't exist) it didn't feel like them. I much prefer the date in Caroline's head with the greenhouse and eating fast food, that was so much more them.

Part of the problem with 7x16-7x18 is that Caroline couldn't be in those episodes because Candice was on maternity leave, I think she only took like a month off before coming back for 7x19-7x22 so I don't know how much could have been done to really include her in the storyline. Nora was dead by 7x18 and I think Bonnie was still hidden so Val it was, I thought Damon said something like "I'm only working with you because I know you'll do whatever it takes to save Stefan" Eh I mean that was kind of the point with Val, when she first showed up she thought she had a chance to get Stefan back and didn't see Caroline as a real threat. Then eventually she got what she wanted and became "everything" to him (because he had no one else) but as soon as that wasn't the case she gave up. I think it's so funny she was ready to team-up with Alaric in 7x17 and then she went inside Stefan's head in 7x18 and gave up the next day. Like Damon said as soon as that scar was gone she knew it was over.

I remember the spinning globe, I don't remember the "something more" from 6x19.

[engagedtobefree]

My friend Craig died last month. I knew it was coming, but it still doesn’t take any of the pain away. His mom texted me and our boss just before noon the day of his passing, saying that he went peacefully. He didn’t even know. He consciously had no idea he was dying. I don’t know whether that’s a blessing or a tragedy, though I really can’t see this situation as anything but the latter. I spent most of that day crying. Succeeded in not crying at Walmart, but then cried at the laundromat. My apartment’s washing machines were unusable because the water was frozen between the coldness and all the snow we got that week. Frozen, just like Craig’s life. Frozen at 33.

Craig went into the hospital the morning of December 28th. I remember this vividly for several reasons, the first being that I had taken off the next day to attend another friend’s wedding. The second reason being I immediately knew he wasn’t going to come home. His mom is my co-worker, and Craig also worked at our company. There’s only 3 of us in my department: her, me, and our boss. She told me some time before lunch. I had gone into her office to give her some paperwork and she told me Craig was in the hospital for the flu, that he woke up that morning and couldn’t breathe. She said that whenever he gets sick he has breathing issues, regardless of what it is, but that he doesn’t have any type of disorder. I thought that was strange because I have asthma and that doesn’t even happen to me. But the thing is, right before she told me what he went into the hospital for, I had an intuitive feeling, you know the ones that come from right beneath your lower left ribs. It came from there. I had the specific feeling that he wouldn’t leave the hospital alive. I have been trying to listen to my intuition more to make it even stronger than it already is, but naturally I didn’t want to listen to this. Joyce told me Craig was in the hospital, the feeling washed over me he wouldn't come back, then I asked her what was wrong and she told me, and I thought maybe for the first time ever, my intuition was wrong. I wanted it to be. Craig has the flu, I rationalized. He will be fine. Except he wasn’t fine. The flu turned into an infection, which led to sepsis, which then led to bleeding around his brain, causing several strokes and brain damage that he would never recover from. I want to be angry at myself, that my first initial reaction, regardless of it being my intuition, was that he wasn’t going to come home alive. But I can’t feel anything other than grief right now. I tried so hard to rationalize my first feeling away, I tried so hard not to be worried or concerned, I tried so hard to believe he was somehow going to pull out of this, even as things got worse and worse. I just kept telling myself he’d be fine. Being dead is so far from being fine. It’s the furthest thing away from it.

Craig was 33, just a year older than me. He has a 4-year-old son and a wife, who I believe is my age. I cannot even fucking imagine being widowed and left a single mom at the age I am at right now. I know his wife also lost her father a few years ago; he had a heart attack during Thanksgiving dinner. Joyce, Craig’s mom, is also no stranger to tragic loss. She lost a brother when she was a kid, I think she was like 8 or 9 and her brother was 12. They were walking home from school and he just dropped dead from a brain aneurysm. Now she lost her son in a similar way. I know she lost several close friends, and I think she was pretty young when she lost her parents. She has two other children; Craig was the oldest. Her youngest, Jason, who I believe is 25, has been struggling a lot with his mental health. I met Jason a few years ago when he joined a D&D group I was in with some friends. Craig was a new father at the time, his son was maybe 1 or so, and he had mentioned to me at work how hard it was and he felt like he barely got to go out anymore. Him being a nerd like myself, I invited him to join my group, and then eventually he had his brother join too. Jason didn’t stay in our group very long, maybe a few months tops, because of his severe anxiety. We all thought he was doing okay, but of course anxiety being an internal thing, it’s not always easy to tell. Jason has been struggling even more, his anxiety morphing into depression because of them having to put down their dog last year. Joyce said their dog was Jason’s best friend, and now he just lost his older brother. Last year on several different occasions, I gave Joyce some tips for helping Jason, since he hasn’t responded positively to any medication. One suggestion I gave her was pharmacogenetic testing, another was TMS Therapy, and the third was this video game therapy program (I forget the name at the moment). Both Jason and Joyce were really grateful for my help, and Jason even came into the office one day back in maybe late November/early December after a therapy session (he doesn’t drive and Joyce had to stop by the office). I could tell he was nervous but trying to open up, so I just started talking in the hopes I could help ease his nerves a bit. I think it worked, cuz before Joyce left to take him back home, he said we should all plan a game night where I can come over. I don’t know how I am supposed to do that now. It would just be so weird without Craig. But good God, Jason is going to need help more than ever now. Joyce was trying not to bury one son and ended up having to bury the other. This whole situation is so fucked. The only light I can see is that hopefully Joyce can help him in some way because she knows what it’s like to lose a brother. I was telling my friend Amanda some of this and she said Jason will need support now more than ever, and I know that. Just right now, it is so hard to see beyond my own grief for my friend, not knowing how I’ll be able to help when I am also grieving, but I know what I feel is absolutely nowhere near as devastating as it is for his family. My heart breaks for all of them.

This just doesn’t feel real to me. I haven’t known Craig a very long time, since 2018 I think. It wasn’t long after I started that he did too. He worked in my building first, out in the warehouse, so I got to interact and talk with him often. It was some time in 2021 he got a position in our other building, and then he left our D&D group to spend more time with his family since he usually worked long hours in his new role. He didn’t want to be a dad at first, but he did start to adjust to it better eventually. I was looking back over our work messages and we continued to talk at work throughout all of 2022, but it phased out in the new year. I occasionally got to see him at work, and I think the last time I saw him was the end of last summer. He worked from home the day of our Christmas party, so I would’ve seen him then but that didn’t happen. I had been thinking all of last year how I should reach out and eventually I did, on his birthday, September 8th, the same as my dad’s. I think that was the last time I talked to him. Joyce knows he shares a birthday with my dad, and what’s even more fucked up is our boss’s birthday is the day Craig passed, January 18th. We are both now going to be reminders of her dead son. Joyce hates it at our company (really don’t blame her tbh) and I know how she has been looking to leave for a long time now. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if at some point this year she turned in her resignation. Not only did she work with her son, but they all lived together: her, her husband, Craig, Craig’s wife & son, and Jason. Her daughter is the only one who doesn’t, as she lives with just her husband and her son. So not only does Joyce have to deal with Craig’s absence at work, she has to deal with it at home too. I just feel so sorry for her. I feel so sorry for everyone.

Craig was such a tough person. I really had high hopes that he was going to pull through. He was in a car accident a little over a decade ago that left him with brain damage and a lot of physical problems, but he wasn’t a complainer. He worked hard and didn’t let his pain get in the way. He even helped me move into my new apartment 3 years ago, and drove me to it in his Tesla, and then he helped my mom move like 6 months later. He had hit her neighbor’s car with the moving truck and since his dad is a mechanic, he promised to come back and fix it. Craig was a man of his word. He was a good friend. He was incredibly funny, though he said things with an ounce of dryness or sarcasm. He always had sassy comebacks that were either given in good faith with some playfulness underneath or said out of brutal honesty. The former was reserved for family and friends, the latter was reserved only for those who truly deserved it. He had a biting sarcasm that not everyone appreciated, but I found it funny. He was honest. He defended himself if you treated him poorly. He didn’t take shit from anyone. He would only tolerate things for so long before he would say you know what, I’m out, screw you. He looked just like Joyce. I’m pretty sure the first exact thing I thought when meeting Craig was, “Oh my God, he’s Joyce’s twin.” I remember one time at work he told me everyone called me his work wife, which I thought was weird because it wasn’t like we talked all the time, but I guess because I don’t talk to many people there, that’s why they came up with that. Apparently, some people, including his mom, even speculated we were having an affair. By that point, I had already survived affair rumors about Scott and I, so I was mostly unphased; people already thought I was some sort of homewrecker, so my reputation was already tainted beyond the point of salvation. Craig handled the situation a lot better than Scott had though. Scott was dismissive and mean towards me about it, but Craig’s attitude was more of a “Fuck ‘em” approach, which I appreciated, and it made me feel better despite another ridiculous rumor going around about me. Thinking about it now, I can only imagine what smartass comeback he had for people saying stuff to him about it. I can’t even begin to imagine what wildly insane reply he would have, but it makes me smile just knowing that that is how he would respond. I keep my friend group relatively small. The fact that Craig was a part of it says a lot. I am going to miss my honest, hard-working, funny friend.

It is so hard for me to wrap my head around all of this. I guess it always is when someone dies young, but even more so when that person especially it is hard to picture their light going out. I don’t know if they mis-diagnosed Craig with the flu at first, or if that is what he had and maybe something else on top of it. Joyce had only been online for a handful of hours for those several weeks, and even though she was texting Pete and I updates all the time, the info she gave was brief. When I would ask questions, I tried to limit it to one or two because I didn’t want to bombard her. Since then, I have given her her space, and I have only seen her in person 3 times this year, so there hasn't been a ton of interactions for more info to come up. I know Craig was pro-vaccine, because I remember talking to him about vaccines in the past. I don’t know if this year he missed his flu shot or if he just got seriously fucking unlucky. I don’t know. It’s just absolutely mind-boggling. This is also the first time I’ve lost a friend. I have lost some family members throughout my life, but this is just different. Friends really are the family you choose. Unlike family, friends are people you consciously let into your life. You choose to spend time with them, make memories, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. It just hits a bit differently, losing a friend. This is a new experience for me.

One of my best friends, Amanda, lost her other best friend Cassie to brain cancer back in November. Cassie fought long and hard, despite there being no hope for her, and she extended her life another two-and-a-half years. Like Craig, she was only 33 when she died. She had first had cancer back when she was like 19 but was able to enter remission, and she found out at 31 she had cancer again when she went for a check-up because her and her husband planned on having a baby. She wanted to make sure everything was okay since she had been having some headaches, and ended up leaving with devastating news. I only met her once: she came to a donation-based yoga class I did for the Ukraine back in early 2022. During savasana, her and her husband held hands as they laid there. I had never seen any couples do that in class before and I thought it was really cute. I am 100% a believer in romantic soulmates and true love, and it just made my heart feel so warm. Amanda has told me a bit about their relationship and it seemed like they really had a healthy, loving, thriving partnership together. It makes Cassie’s story even that much sadder. Her and Amanda had been friends for probably as long as Stacy and I, and I couldn’t even imagine losing Stacy (or Amanda, who I’ve only been friends with for like 7 years). I put together a grief basket for her, which I was only able to give her right before Christmas. It included: a sticker (Amanda loves traditional tattoos, so the style was perfect for her), a grief notebook (I glued on the starfish since starfish were Cassie’s thing), a book on grief, a pocket hug (yellow, her current favorite color because her one son loves yellow so much), a Doodlebob pen holder (for shits and giggles, to break up the seriousness of everything), and of course a card. I put everything in a little basket, which wasn’t as fully thought through as everything else because as you can see below, it’s easy for stuff to fall out. Cassie got married on the beach and she had two tattoos of starfish below her collarbones. Amanda told me that the two of them designed her tattoos together. Amanda had a dream about starfish one night; there was a bucket of water in front of her with starfish swimming, but when she picked them up, they died. When she put them back in the water, they were alive again. She thought it was strange because she never remembers her dreams, but this one she remembered very vividly. Ian, Cassie’s husband, called her that same day, to tell her it was time to say goodbye. Cassie was gone I think about 12 hours later. Cassie had been unconscious already when Amanda had her dream, and Amanda believes she had been communicating with her in some way. I think so too.

The book I got for Amanda I found a PDF online of, just to make sure it would be a good fit, which it was. It wasn’t preachy, or dismissive, or religious; it gave actual decent, constructive advice, and every day came with an affirmation. I really wanted Amanda to have it before the new year started so that she could decide for herself when exactly she wanted to start it, since it’s a 365 day kind of book. Amanda’s wifi password has always been a Doodlebob-related thing, and that item randomly popped up when I was searching up grief items on Etsy. I knew I had to include it. The card is something similar to Amanda’s dream. I only briefly searched through cards before that one popped up. Before I even clicked on it, I had this instinctual feeling of “This is the one”. I had ordered from that particular Etsy shop before and really loved the cards, so I knew the quality would be good. It took me some time to decide on everything I ordered, and when I was ready to checkout with the card, I started to second-guess it, thinking maybe I should look back over my options just in case. I remembered that intuitive feeling I had though, and decided before I let my thinking mind get in the way that I was just gonna get it. The day it arrived in the mail I was so excited, as I already had planned what I was going to write in it. Well, I flipped the card over and started crying. On the back, near the bottom, were the astrological symbols for the sun, Aries, and Aquarius. Amanda is an Aries sun and Cassie was an Aquarius sun. I grabbed the previous cards I purchased and checked the backs, even though I already knew that they were all different, which they were. Some didn’t even have any symbols, the rest were all random, like this one, some of the signs being astrological as well and others not, like a peace sign. This Etsy shop has probably hundred of cards and only a handful for grief, and I don’t know how to calculate those odds of getting that particular random ass combination, but I know they’re very slim. I had asked Cassie a few times, just put it out there, to help me pick out only the best for Amanda, and here she was giving her confirmation that she helped. I told Amanda all this and we both cried. I think this is actually what hit Amanda the hardest. Amanda isn’t spiritual like I am, and she has her doubts about a lot of things, but she confided in me that losing Cassie helped her understand what it means like to still feel a person around you after they’re gone. She doesn’t know where Cassie is, but she knows she is still around, and I think my card helped her believe too that what she feels is real. Cassie is still here, she’s just no longer in her body.

I want to get something for Joyce, though I don’t know what yet. I had thought of getting something made with a picture of her and Craig on it, but I don’t know how I’d manage to do that. I’m friends with Craig on Facebook, but he doesn’t have many pictures, and the only ones of him and his mom are from his wedding, but there’s always other people in them. I am going to think about it a bit more this month. A few days after Craig passed, my mom chipped in with me to bring Joyce a catered meal from Olive Garden. It was the Tuesday before Craig’s viewing, and Joyce had the rest of the week off for bereavement. I didn’t want to stop by on any of her days off so she could have some space. She had worked from home that Monday and Tuesday, so I came by her house with the food after work. I had also picked up Thai for myself, and they invited me in to have dinner with them. I got to meet Craig’s wife and son for the first time, and Jason was also there. I stayed for a bit and it was nice. I had kept thinking for well over a week how badly I needed a hug, and Joyce was the first person I was able to receive a hug from. I don’t generally long for physical affection outside of romantic partnerships and with my pets, so this was out of character for me, but after hugging Joyce I did feel better and that yearning went away. Joyce’s husband wasn’t there because he was in the hospital since what happened to Craig also happened to him, except he recovered and is now in rehab. He wasn’t even able to say goodbye to his son. The more I think about this whole situation, the more I realize how fucked up it is. For everyone. Like it’s not even that Craig just died young; there’s all these fucking layers on top of it to make it so much worse.

Craig’s viewing was on January 27th. I had bought a new black dress right before the new year began, and I couldn’t have fathomed that the first time I’d wear it would be to my friend’s viewing. I didn’t want to arrive too early, so I got there about 15-20 minutes before the service was about to start. I had wanted to practice a speech just in case I had to speak, but then I thought I wouldn’t have to do that. Turned out, I did end up giving a little speech. Craig’s best friend had gone first, and he was an absolute mess, understandably. A few other people talked for maybe a minute or so. Then there wasn’t anyone else. I thought, This won’t do, Craig deserves better, and next thing I knew, my legs were walking me up to the podium. I mentioned the first time I met Craig and my first thought about him, which made Joyce bark out a laugh. I also mentioned how Craig helped me move and took me to my new apartment in his Tesla. I mentioned how he hit my mom’s neighbor’s car on her moving day, and how she didn’t think he would come back but he did because he was honest. It was a bit more fleshed out than that, but you get the gist. I did want to say more than I did though. I wanted to say what I put in my obituary condolence about how I was looking back over our work messages from the past few years, and no matter how the conversations started, he always somehow managed to bring the topic around to Star Wars or video games. I wanted to say how he joined my D&D group (which is Dungeons and Dragons for all you non-nerds out there) and how he was able to just be himself always, all the time, even when fully surrounded by people he was meeting for the first time. I wanted to say how generous he was, how hard-working, how tough. But I couldn’t continue. I kept looking over at his casket as I talked, which was a mistake, and being up in front of everyone with their eyes on me was just a bit more unsettling than I thought it would be. I started choking on my words, the tears were building up too much, and I had to end my short little speech that was only half of what I wanted it to be. Later on, it did get me thinking though, how I always remember meeting people for the first time that I either ended up becoming friends with or ended up dating. It’s like a part of me knows, hey this person will be important to you at some point. That inner knowing extends far beyond my capacity to always consciously recognize it.

There was a part of me, for the first few days after Craig’s passing, that was afraid, because you know, death always comes in 3’s, and both Cassie and Craig were 33. I’ll be 33 later this year, Amanda is already 33, and then I have a bunch of other friends who will be turning 33 either this year or next. I was really worried about a third death happening in my personal sphere. Then, one day I had remembered how my dad’s “girlfriend” (long story) has cancer, and I thought, Oh, maybe he will tell me she’s been in the hospital 33 days or something. I kid you not, 5 minutes after I thought that, my dad called me to say he was sorry about my friend, and then he tells me he just took his girlfriend home after she was in the hospital 33 days and that her cancer spread to her brain. I stopped what I was doing when he said that. There it was, the 33, and not only that, but the brain connection too. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I found some relief in that. Of course, I don’t like hearing about anyone dying or even being close to death, but my dad’s girlfriend has at least lived life almost twice as long as any 33-year-old. I do feel sorry, but I also know it was a sign telling me not to needlessly worry, and since then, I haven’t.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately, which I guess has to do with it hitting so close to home. I don’t want to get too much into my own personal beliefs here, but I do believe in reincarnation after a particular event that happened last year made me recognize that I’ve been here before. I was always open to the idea previously, but never fully committed to it prior to that event, which left me absolutely no wiggle-room to ever be unsure about it ever again. I also know that consciousness, that energy, never really dies, and that a person lives on, for however long, in some other world parallel to ours before coming here again. Or not. I am not sure that we all come back to earth. Maybe we get some say in the matter, that we can forever peace-out to some blissful afterlife or we can dive headfirst down into the chaotic wonder of being human again. I believe too, that we choose all of this, this life we have, at least to a certain degree, before we come here. Idk, I won’t pretend to fully know the afterlife rules. Saying all of that, I’ve thought about Craig, trying to find some relief in any of that, and I can’t. Regardless of whether he will one day get another life, his current life has ended, and that is still a tragedy. He won’t get this life back ever again. It was a one-time deal and now it’s gone for good. I’ve been thinking about that, and how his life was tragically short, and how we, as humans, always act like we have all the time in the world. We are so arrogant to think that we always have time, that being young somehow prevents us from meeting an early death. This is part of the reason why for the past year I have been trying desperately to find the right ADHD medication (more on this later). ADHD is possibly one of the biggest time-wasters there is, and I’m tired of living my life the way I am when I try so hard every goddamn day to use my time wisely and fail miserably because my brain doesn’t have all the chemicals it needs. This is why I am a bit frustrated with Chris at the moment (more on this later too). Like, we do not have all the time in the world!!! What are you waiting for!!!!???? Wake up!!!! There is no better time than the present to get things moving along!!! None of us know when our last day on this earth is going to be. Like why are we always waiting and waiting and waiting when literally the next day isn’t even guaranteed?? There is only the present moment always. That’s all there ever is. We are all foolish to believe we have an infinite amount of time before us. Time itself is endless, but it will end for each of us. At least on this physical plane. We’re not guaranteed 80 or 90 years on this planet. We don’t all get that lucky, and it’s time to really wake up to that fact if we haven't already.

This year so far has been pretty shitty. I was sick with a really bad virus two days before new years, and stayed sick two weeks into January. I didn’t even take off, which I think prolonged my sickness, because I didn’t want my boss to have to be by himself since Joyce was only working sporadically because of what was going on with Craig and her husband. That first week was brutal, and I feel bad because being sick kept me in my ego more than I like. I kept rationalizing that Craig would be fine, and I felt a bit bitter for having to work, even though really I could have just taken off a day or two and my boss would have been fine by himself. I am not usually like that, and I have some guilt over feeling that way while my friend was much worse off - dying, in fact. Then Craig passed, my illness faded into just a cough, and there was a week and a half where I was just grieving. Then two days after Craig’s viewing, I started not feeling well. Turned out I had contracted covid for the very first time in my life. I also realized a few days later that the day my symptoms started showing was the 9 year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Go figure. I took off the rest of the week, though I did try to work one day but felt too sick to continue. That leads us to this past week, where I having been slowly getting back to feeling better, but I continued to test positive up until Thursday, so yesterday was the first day in almost two weeks since I left my apartment. So yeah, that’s been my new year. A lot of people have been sick though, and my friend (Amanda) that I was supposed to see today has also been dealing with back-to-back illnesses in her own household. There have been some positives, mainly due to my utter determination to make big changes in my life this year. If not for my own attitude and determination, I’d feel way more dejected than I currently do. Amanda and I were supposed to see Lisa Frankenstein together, which I had invited Chris first to go see with me, but he never got back to me on it. I didn’t want to follow-up because while he said he would definitely go, a part of me knew it wasn’t a priority for him to make it happen, so as the movie date drew closer, I made plans with Amanda. I put out on Snapchat if anyone was able to go to to let me know since my friend had to cancel, and my one friend did say he could go if I changed the time, but after sleeping on it, I decided to just go alone. I really wanted to see the movie in theaters, but it’s only showing for a week, and for some reason while I originally wanted to go with someone special, albeit Chris or a good friend, in the end I just wanted to be alone. So I went to the movies by myself feeling okay, but then I left wishing I had someone *cough*Chris*cough* else there with me. The movie was so cute and it put me in a romantic sort of mood, I guess. I feel like being sick helped me not focus on too many things except maintaining a determined mindset to keep going despite current circumstances, but now that being sick is (hopefully) over, I am left with an empty feeling of sorts. I am not where I want to be, and my life currently has taken several turns that I wish it hadn’t: my friend is dead, my mental health is still a struggle, Scott has been reaching out to me again, and I’m fairly positive I somehow ruined things with Chris before they even began.

I already talked about Craig, and I don’t really have much more to say about my ADHD aside from the fact that I’m trying my best to find solutions and have only made a tiny bit of progress. I am finally getting the pharmacogenetic testing done, though it wasn’t covered fully by my insurance like I was led to believe, and I have had to wait to do it since I had covid. Nevertheless, I’m hoping it can help me find the right meds and dosage. This has been a struggle all my life, but I am determined to get to a balanced mental state where I can live as close to neurotypical as possible. It's going to happen this year because I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. I've also been researching and trying to find ways that I can help myself more. Some stuff hasn't stuck, but other things are showing potential, so I'm hopeful about that as well.

So I guess that leads us to Scott now. I was really hoping that by now this man would be completely irrelevant in my life, and for the most part, he is. The only internal connection I feel towards him is the lingering trauma I have from him, but now he keeps trying to reinsert himself into my life, which is partially my fault since I told him we could still be friends. When I told him last summer I didn’t want to try again, I made it very clear so that there was no room for him to interpret my words differently. I know that being direct is the best approach and that’s what I wanted to do since I didn’t want him to think there would ever be a chance of us happening again. Then, out of kindness, I said we could still be friends. I didn’t think he’d actually try to talk to me because he never put in much effort previously when we were in a “situationship”. (Side note: I really despise that word, but I don’t know what else to call our previous situation aside from that, so unfortunately that’s the word I have to use here.) Since then, he has occasionally responded to my snap stories when I post a selfie, sending me bitmoji stickers telling me I look good or whatever. I have always just responded with “Thanks!”, no emojis or anything beyond that, in the hopes that he will see that I truly do not have any feelings left. His birthday was back in January, and I remembered the day of, so I figured I would be nice and just tell him Happy Birthday. I should have known better, I really, really should have, but I guess I have yet to learn that being nice does not always pay off. After I wished Scott a Happy Birthday, he continued to message me, and then asked me for a selfie. Before responding, I remembered how it was a special birthday for him: it was his 50th. Then, with that knowledge, I told him no 😊. Stacy told me to send him a picture of Weasley’s butt, but he isn’t even deserving of that much. Scott then proceeded to message me for the next two Fridays asking if he could come hang out. I turned him down the first Friday by saying I had to get up the next day for Craig’s viewing and just wanted to rest and go to bed early. He didn’t know Craig had passed. I thought someone from my work would have told him since he’s still in contact with a bunch of people from there, but I guess not. Then he tried to be all supportive and whatnot, which annoyed me. He never previously gave a fuck about anything I went through and never had any kind encouragement when I was going through something. The fact that he treats me like I am some idiot is honestly what annoys me the most about him reaching out to me. I know he isn’t genuine and that he’s doing it in the hopes that eventually it will benefit him in some way. The second Friday he reached out, I told him I had Covid. He didn’t reach out yesterday, thankfully, but I do need to think about how I want to approach this if he asks again. So far, I have had legitimate excuses, but I do not know what I want to say next time. I still have his beers in my fridge; they are on my top shelf, which is as high up as it can go and therefore rarely gets used. Also, ADHD keeps me from not doing things I should do immediately, like dumping beers from a guy I used to see but no longer have any interest in reconnecting with. Actually, screw him. I’m gonna go dump them right now. Okay, I’m back. They were expired anyway, but while I was typing this I realized I truly do not want to see him again. I had toyed with the idea of just letting him come over so that I could make it clear, yet again, that I truly have zero interest in this being anything at all, but then I realized that I have already given this man so much of my time and I do not owe him any more of it. I want to work through the trauma and be able to move forward without worrying about this anymore.

This brings me around to Chris. I don’t think I’ve written about him since my last appointment, aside from posting about him telling me he’s single and that we should go out on a date. That was around mid-December. He did reach out to me when he saw me in my dress at my friend’s wedding, but beyond giving me a few compliments, he didn’t seem to have much interest in continuing the conversation. I reached out to him two times since then and pretty much got the same reaction from him. He is clearly not a phone person, which I already deducted, and that’s fine. I had tried to set up us meeting up twice so that I could get to know him better, but so far it hasn’t happened. Logically, I know it couldn’t have. It was the holiday season and then I have spent the entirety of this new year either physically sick or sick with grief, so it would have been impossible for us to meet up even if we scheduled something. Even if he really did want to see Lisa Frankenstein with me and we set it up, he might not have been comfortable being around me since I had covid, even though I tested negative two days ago. It was the way he responded to me asking him to go that has me confused, and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it. He said he would definitely be interested in seeing something like that, that it’s cool it was playing near my apartment (which I mentioned), then he said he hopes we get snow and that he hopes I have a wonderful day. It was weird. It’s nice he told me to have a wonderful day, but then I’m wondering if he said that just to end the conversation. I’m not sure. I post on my Snapchat stories about once a week or so, and I noticed he hasn’t viewed any for at least the past month. I think I’m not going to post on there for awhile until I’m sure I won’t have any anxiety about this. I don’t know how to describe how I feel except as patiently impatient. I am not a patient person, but I will wait nonetheless, and I won’t be super obvious about my impatience. I don’t want my mind to continue to circle around to Chris, but I can’t help it. It just happens. I place a lot of focus on myself and my own life and making the improvements that I need to (or well, trying to, anyway), but my heart keeps guiding my attention back towards him. I am completely enamored, even now, despite there not being much contact between us. I know it can’t happen yet because I still have a few things to sort out, but my progress on those things has been painfully slow. I keep feeling like until those things are taken care of, nothing can happen with Chris either, which frustrates me. I am not even certain whether anything can happen between us at all. I am just hoping for the best at this point.

One of the biggest barriers is my lingering trauma from Scott. Scott always made me feel like I was asking for too much by wanting to talk to him or for him to come over. With Chris, this has manifested as me hesitating in reaching out too often, and it’s gotten to the point where I also feel like me reaching out is burdening or annoying him. To be clear, he hasn’t explicitly made me feel this way, he just usually doesn’t say much back to me or continue the conversations. Scott did explicitly make me feel this way. He always told me he couldn’t talk, and when I would ask him to come over, which I only ever did every few months or so, he’d hesitate and then say he was tired or whatever. It took me a long time to realize that he kept mentioning people from our work he had talked to, and then I finally saw the situation for what it was: it wasn’t that he was busy or didn’t have time, he just wasn’t making the time for me. It got to the point where I realized that I was at the very bottom of his list of priorities, coming last, behind everything and everyone else. I started to feel like he could bump into a stranger on the street and he’d make more time for them than he did for me. I don't expect to be anywhere near the top of someone's list if we're not even in a relationship, but I feel like it's okay for me to not want to be in the very last space. Scott made me feel like that was asking too much, and I haven't been able to shake that feeling despite the situationship with him ending a year and a half ago. He was only ever eager to reach out when he was horny and wanted some pictures, and those were the only times he could ever even spare me a compliment, if you could even call it that. He would just tell me I was “hot”, but I never actually felt that way. He didn’t ever make me feel pretty or valued, so his “hot” was always meaningless and unsexy. I’m glad we never had sex, at least. That probably would have done some damage too.

When Chris told me before he’s “busy”, of course my mind circled back around to all this. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I thought Chris was very much deserving of that. He was, at the time at least, the only full-time dental hygienist at his work since the other two quit, and I know he is on two hockey teams; both of these things he told me at my last appointment with him. There have been so many parallels between the two situations with them, which has been really confusing for me. I am not sure if it all has been unfortunate coincidences or if it’s really the same stuff repeating all over again. There’s been so many things that I don’t think I could remember them all even if I tried to list them all out right now. That being said, they are two completely different people, which is great for Chris. I feel like I can trust him, and I never felt that way with Scott. With Scott, the deceitfulness and the selfishness, while shocking to me at the time, lined up with who he is. I don’t know Chris that well, but being this deceitful, selfish person just doesn’t fit him. At all. I could tell from day one that he is a genuinely good guy, and that was something I felt before I was even willing to acknowledge my romantic interest in him. Also, both situations have been incredibly different as well, even despite the comparisons my mind keeps making. I want to stop thinking about it and just focus on healing. There are some meditation techniques I want to practice to help me out, and journaling is always super cathartic. So is writing poetry, but I haven’t yet gotten around to the poem I want to write to process everything with Scott. Hopefully soon.

It’s weird because I am always a what-is-this-trying-to-teach-me person, but I haven’t been able to do that in quite some time. I think I am just tired. I have been single for over 6 years now, mostly by choice to focus on improving myself, and while I haven’t regretted that choice at all, I am kind of tired of it at this point. I don’t want to just be with anyone, because that would never satisfy me, but I am ready to grow alongside someone now. I don’t think I am 100% there yet, as I’ve already mentioned, but I’m getting there. It’s just my impatience again, asking “Are we there yet?” despite there being a few more miles until we reach our exit. I really am at a loss for words on how to describe this feeling. I wouldn’t say I’m lonely because that’s not entirely accurate. It’s more of a type of yearning, I guess. I don’t know why, but I have felt this really strongly since my last appointment with Chris. It’s strange. I feel like it has probably been building since I first met him, but for whatever reason after seeing him last time, it has reached its full capacity. It is like this low hum now that is constant. I can’t turn it off. Even when I’m not thinking about Chris and am preoccupied with my day-to-day life, it is a feeling that is still there all the time. I always feel this way; even if I’m not consciously acknowledging it, it’s always there. I can’t make sense of it to be honest. I have never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been asking myself recently what I can do, what lesson is here, trying to get myself back into that mindset, but the only thing I can come up with is to keep working on myself. But I’ve been doing that and it hasn’t changed anything, so then I think maybe it’s not that, but that I have to find peace on my own first. I have to shift into a certain state, and then everything will right itself. I have done that before, so I know I can do it again, it’s just that the previous time I was able to make that internal shift, it went to hell because covid happened. I didn’t build up a strong enough foundation to sustain that state while a worldwide pandemic happened and I was trapped inside 24/7 with my abusive mother. That’s understandable though, but this time I know I need to make that shift permanently, to give myself the tools and build the foundation well this time so that I can withstand anything. I won’t be immune to life’s happenings, but I will be able to face them and approach them from a place of love. I don’t want to think about the outcome of that, of whether that is the key needed to me finally moving forward romantically, but there is this part of me telling me that once I do get there again, everything will begin working out, better than I can even currently imagine. I find that once I even start thinking about any outcomes at all, I don’t even care, then I remember that any life benefits I get from that isn’t even the point. The point is my existence. The point is me reaching that place because that’s what I need, and that’s what the world needs. That’s what matters more than anything else. In those moments where I do remember that purpose, everything feels okay again. I’m going to be okay. I know I’m going to be okay.

Edits: Adding my edits down here because it's too much effort atm to go back through and find where to add them. I want to clarify a few things, the first being that saying I'm frustrated with Chris isn't entirely accurate. I don't mean that in the way it sounds. The more appropriate word would probably be "disappointed", though I guess that also doesn't sound great lol. I would feel much better about things if there was even the tiniest bit of communication. He mentioned a date, interacted with me a few more times, and now has seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. I would wait for as long as he needs, but knowing why I am waiting would help with that. I just really don't like disappearing acts, because then I start to wonder if I did something wrong, or if he lost interest, or if there's someone else, or if I'm just being ghosted. I could ask, which I briefly considered, but idk how "what's the hold up" would sound in a message. I don't want to sound impatient or pushy, especially because I am willing to wait, but leaving me completely in the dark after showing so much interest in me is also kinda a shitty thing to do. I would be understanding no matter what it is. On the flipside, I am still appreciative of this time to tie up some lose ends in my life and tackle some lingering problems that would affect me starting anything with anyone. So there is still that.

Right now more than anything, I'm frustrated with myself. So many things have been dragged out for so long, despite my determined efforts to move forward. I am trying to be more patient and understanding with myself, because honestly, I'm the person I need to give that to the most. This week I have been trying to really give myself to space to process things I haven't been able to because of all of the chaos going on since at least last summer. It's difficult, but only because it's hard to find the time right now. I fell behind on so many things since I have spent 4 out of 6 weeks this year physically sick and incapable of doing pretty much anything. I've been doubling up on trying to get stuff done, which doesn't always happen because of my ADD, but even when it does, there's still a mountain of things to take care of, more than there was previously. I feel like there's so many big things I'm trying to tackle, especially in regards to processing past traumas, which I started years ago. There has been so much trauma in my life that untangling it all, processing it, and healing it is pretty much a non-stop ongoing thing. Then there's my mental health, with me trying one medication after another to try and find something that fits, and even then, ADHD meds are so high-risk, it's a tug of war in my brain trying to determine if it's worth it. But then I see the tiniest improvements where I can function at even the smallest fraction of a how neurotypical person does, and Idk how I can ever go back to unmedicated. It makes me want to cry. I have spent my entire life battling mental illness, and there seems to be no end to trying to stabilize myself. I had my first panic attack when I was 6, then eating disorders started a few years later, then the depression, which I think was secondary to something else, then the ADD for as long as I can remember. I see very clearly how I have really never been thriving, but that's only because I spent so much of my life focused on surviving. I didn't get to start at the same starting point as many others because of my brain. And I'm tired. I'm so tired. I just sent back my swab today for my pharmacogenetic test. I'm hoping those results can help me find the better balance of meds that will work for me. I still would like to try Strattera again, but my psych wants to hold off on that for the time being. Taking natural stuff is a difficult path to navigate because I'm on a TCA, which interacts with so many things. Even the ADHD meds I can be on are very limited because of interaction risks. I need the TCA for my bladder though, so as of right now, I can't be off it. Maybe one day, but my current finances don't leave me a ton of room right now to navigate testing a ton of products to see what works and what doesn't. Plus, I'd also have to be prepared to tackle my anxiety and depression completely naturally if I went off the TCA, which I am also not currently equipped to do. Everything is just such a long process, and everything interconnects. I don't plan on staying on all these meds the rest of my life, but as of right now where I'm currently at, I really, really, really could use full functionality like I've never known before. It would help me out incredibly with so much of what I'm currently trying to get in order.

I'm also trying to implement new routines and habits, make time for things I love, and tackle decluttering, organizing, and maintaining my entire living space. I'm also doing this thing where I'm writing a new poem everyday this year, which I've somehow kept up despite the days I was really sick. Those were haiku days lol. But I also would love to speed along my more personal poems that I've been writing for forever to process past traumas. Writing poetry really helps me think over, process, and get out everything I need to, so it's a great healing tool for me. My problem is that I mull over each word, making sure everything is accurate to how things how happened, and that the overall feeling of the poem accurately captures the essence and energy of that time in my life. It's not stuff I can write in a day and be done with. Also, I overthink everything, if that wasn't already apparent lol. I think I might seriously take a vacation in March if I'm feeling mentally well enough where I know I can be healthily productive with my time off.

Anyway, I feel better adding in all these little tidbits that have been sitting on my brain that I didn't get to the first time around. I think there was more. Actually, there was definitely more, but I'm too tired right now to think or care. I'll deal with those thoughts later. Editing officially over. 😎

[j-graysonlibrary]

The Xiang Chronicles: Book Two Chapter 6

Title: The Xiang Chronicles: Book Two

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 98k

Genres: Fantasy, adventure, drama, LGBT+

Available on: my website

Synopsis: With another Xiang in the mix, for the first time in history, Pangu decides to reevaluate his methods and his place in the world. Along with taking his little sister Heidi as his last disciple, he also chooses to take the more political path in his efforts to end the discord throughout the land—particularly within Terra. (And gaining favor from the handsome Lord of Ultimos does not hurt.)

Heidi butts heads with everyone in the group, save Raine, and tensions are higher than ever. There are failed love confessions, in-group fighting, and demons from Kira’s past but that all comes to a head when they meet a servant of Shakti who is more than what she seems.

Could it be that the Mistresses of Shadow are more nuanced than previously believed? Or that the strict dichotomy between light and dark are, perhaps, a touch exaggerated? That and more begin to plague Pangu’s mind and his faith wavers…

Full chapter 6 under the cut

Chapter VI:

After spending the night and taking far too long to get ready the following morning, the Xiang’s group stood outside in the field, saying goodbyes. It was already nearly noon, far later than Pangu had intended to leave but he did find it difficult to cut any conversation short when he did not know when the next time Baiya would be able to see his family would be.

Feiman clung to his brother almost as badly as Daiji did but Jaimas was in front of Kira, holding a flower up to him. The Terran disciple glanced down with a raised brow, curious as to why she was with him rather than her brother.

He took the flower and offered a brief smile. “Thanks?”

“It’s Lormas,” she said, “An herb to help you sleep better.”

Kira looked at the flower in a new light. He had heard of herbs that helped with sleep but he had never heard this particular name. “Oh?”

Jaimas nodded enthusiastically. “I saw that you have dark eye circles and mom says that means you are not getting enough sleep. So you should take this and rest more.”

Her delivery was a bit brutal in its honesty but Kira could feel the sincerity behind her intent. He had barely spent any time talking to her during any of their other visits and yet she showed him this level of consideration.

“Well…thank you. I will try it tonight.”

The girl grinned. “You can eat the bud raw or crush it up and steep it in some tea. It is sweeter raw though so that’s how I do it.”

Kira arched one of his eyebrows. “You have it sometimes?”

“Yeah.” Jaimas fidgeted with her hands and looked down at her feet. “After all those scary men came, I had a hard time sleeping. Mom said I was getting dark circles too so she gave me Lormas.”

A lot more clicked into place and Kira nearly winced at the stabbing feeling happening inside of his chest. Jaimas had not just noticed his dark circles and put two and two together, she had also seen, in him, a reflection of herself from a few months ago. Maybe she even thought he was struggling with something similar.

“Has it gotten better?” Kira decided to ask after swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“Um…I still have nightmares sometimes but not so many.” She smiled. “I think you need the Lormas more than me.”

Kira really wondered how the girl came from the same family as Baiya. Honestly, he thought much the same about the rest of the man’s family as well. All of them were kind and nurturing yet they had somehow raised him. Then again, Kira was not one to buy into the idea that apples did not fall far from their trees as that would end up painting him with terrible colors as well.

Baiya finished his goodbyes and they were back on the road again, only continuing with their detour slightly. He had the supplies strapped onto his horse and, while it was not much, it did weigh him down so he ended up splitting the bags up between all of their horses.

The sun started to kiss the horizon when they trailed into the town and many of the shops were bound to close soon so they hurried to their destination.

Baiya rushed to the building and caught the clerk just before he could close the shutters. “I have the grain delivery from Daiji’s farm.”

That was enough to stop the clerk who then leaned out from the window and eyed the small entourage. “It’s earlier than we expected. After that storm, we figured it would be another few days.”

“Well, we rushed.”

Each of them took their respective bags from their horses and began to pass it over, ending with Baiya who handed each to the clerk. At the end, the young man behind the window scrawled over a long sheet of paper, recording all of the inventory properly.

“There we are. Six bags of grain, as due, no late fee or tax given the delay due to nature…” he grumbled a little under his breath, “and we are all set.”

“Great.” Baiya smiled and turned toward the others. An orange glow fell over the town as the sun dipped even further behind the distant mountains. “Should we ride out to a camp site?”

“We do have a few hours left before we really need to stop,” Raine seconded the motion.

“Ah, yes, who doesn’t love sleeping on the ground with rocks in their back,” Heidi muttered but also seemed to already be accepting of the outcome. Certainly, she had spent many nights out in the wilds on her way to Ultimos by herself.

Pangu readied himself to agree that, yes, they did need to be on their way so they could return to Viren posthaste but he only got as far as opening his mouth.

“Baiya?” A strange voice called out and Baiya turned first while the others just followed with their eyes. A figure approached them—a man dressed in light armor with a curved sword on his hip. By the looks of him, he was a guard of some sort though he forwent any headgear and, instead, wore a wrap around his temples which allowed his tall, curly hair to poke out the top. “I thought that was you…”

“Crom.” Baiya said his name in a friendly yet short manner. Pangu and Kira, both, noted how his adams apple bobbed when he spoke.

As he walked closer, Crom’s smile was more evident. His eyes squinted as he grinned and he placed a hand on Baiya’s arm, giving a slight squeeze before letting go. “How have you been? It has been a while since I’ve seen you.”

They definitely were familiar with one another and while Baiya did not seem as elated as Crom was, everyone could come to the conclusion that they were on, at least, a friendly basis. Raine was curious as to why the third disciple seemed so nervous and he began to wonder if this guard, of all people, was someone Baiya had worked with in some underhanded capacity.

But Raine was the only one thinking in that direction. Pangu and Kira—even Heidi as well—could tell there was much more just based on Baiya’s body language. Heidi did not known the man very well but she had seen many of the men she worked with be caught up in affairs. Some of their one-night-only ladies had even come to visit them at work and the nervous, almost skittish nature they exhibited was not too far removed from what she was seeing now.

Kira could tell immediately what the situation was. Not only based on Baiya’s reaction but Crom’s face as well. The smile the man shot his way was laced with memory and excitement. Kira immediately looked to Pangu to see how he was handling the news, if he was even grasping the subtleties at all.

He definitely was. Pangu might not have if he and Baiya had not discussed the topic before, back in Phaos, but he would have felt that something was off. Now that he had the information that Baiya liked men and that past relationships had been alluded to, it was simple to piece things together. The downside to that, however, was that Pangu could, quite vividly, imagine what that night might have looked like between the two.

His heart constricted and he watched the scene with a tightening jaw.

“Well I have been quite busy these past few months,” Baiya said before gesturing back to Pangu, “This is the Xiang…I was asked to be his disciple.”

Crom’s smile completely disappeared to make room for shock. “You are joking?” He looked more at Pangu than at Baiya.

“Not at all,” Kira answered for Pangu which he was more than grateful for. “This is the Xiang.”

In a swift motion, Crom curled his hand into a fist, pounded it against his own chest, and then bowed. “Greetings, Xiang.” He straightened his posture and his smile returned. “I hope Agni has not been too inhospitable to you. Most of us are not…”

“Religious,” Raine finished when the guard trailed off. “We are aware. And we have managed.”

“Good. I am, um, not especially faith focused myself but…” Crom glanced back toward Baiya. “Him even less so. I am honestly surprised he is a part of your group. I almost want to think this is some sort of prank.”

“If it is, it’s a long prank,” Kira said, almost in a grumble.

Baiya ignored him and only responded to Crom. “Is it so unbelievable?”

He was answered, at first, with a big laugh. “Are you kidding? You were the one that taught me about the history of the Xiang stealing Agni territory and waging over half of their wars on our soil.” Crom briefly touched Baiya’s arm and then addressed the rest of the group when he said, “He used to tell the others in our squad that did worship Tiandi that they should reconsider since the god clearly hated them.”

“Crom…” Baiya pinched the bridge of his nose.

Heidi snickered. “Oh? You are not just a non-believer but an active antagonist?”

“I was aware when I picked him,” Pangu said, quiet. Everyone still heard him, however, and glanced over. He could not look his Agni disciple in the eye nor could he look at Crom for too long. “Baiya is strong, has a high resonance, and is able to separate me as Xiang from the Xiangs of the past. That is all I care about.”

“He has been invaluable in leading us around Agni as well,” Raine tacked on, offering a short, terse smile.

“It is still so bizarre.” Crom slowly shook his head back and forth and then gave Baiya another once over, as if having to assess him all over again. “Well, I had hoped, when I saw you, that we could…hang out, like old times. I will not take you from your duties, however, since you are busy busy now.”

“Actually,” Pangu spoke before he could even finish thinking. His eyebrows rose in slight surprise at himself as he continued. “It is getting a bit late. We can stay here at the inn for tonight and then just ride a little harder tomorrow to make up for lost time.”

“Pangu…” Baiya tried looking at him but the Xiang would still not make eye contact. “You sure?”

“I am pretty tired,” he answered, staring at one of the storefronts in the distance instead of any of them.

Crom was the only one who did not, immediately, pick up on the mood shift. He kept a big grin on his face and bowed again, more loosely this time. “Thank you, Xiang. I will not keep him up too late.”

Pangu finally made eye contact but with Crom, not Baiya. “Have fun,” he nearly whispered the words and forced a smile as the man looped his arm with the Agni disciple, getting comfortable.

Heidi hung back as they left Baiya behind and walked to the inn across the barren street. The entire town was really only a series of storefronts on opposite sides of a dirt road so there was not much privacy afforded to Baiya and Crom. More than anything, however, Heidi was surprised that Pangu even let them stay alone together. Given how her brother looked at the couple, she expected him to jealously claim his disciple as his own, at least on some professional or duty bound level.

“Kira, you and Raine can take a room. Heidi will stay with me,” Pangu announced as he paid for the rooms at the front of the building.

“…You don’t want to talk?” Kira asked carefully.

“About what?” Pangu responded curtly.

“I don’t know…” Heidi muttered, “Your blasé attitude toward Baiya and his…friend?”

“I do not know what you mean.” Pangu forced a smile. “I do know that I am tired and I want to sleep. Baiya can stay out or pick a room to retire to when he comes back. As long as he is ready to leave with us in the morning, what he does is his own business.”

Kira’s worry was blatant but he parted ways with them and left for his room with Raine. Heidi sighed, knowing the burden was now on her shoulders.

The room, like the rest of the town, was severely lacking. There were not even mattresses but mats on the hardwood floor. Heidi grimaced at the sight but sat down on one anyway. She waited until her brother claimed a mat before taking a deep breath and sighing.

“Holding this stuff in is not good, you know.”

“What are you talking about, Heidi?”

She frowned and pulled her legs up to rest her chin on her knee. “I think you know exactly what I am talking about. Your feelings for Baiya.”

Pangu shook his head and then lay down on the mat. He turned away from her to physically block her out but still replied, “You are just looking for opportunities to tease me. I will not take your bait.”

“I am not!” Heidi huffed. “Since you were little I knew you had a thing for guys. I never judged you for that, you know? I am trying to be supportive right now, not mean.”

He folded his arms across his chest and dug his nails in, pinching through the fabric of his robe. “How could you have possibly known back then?” Even he had not figured it out until his later teen years.

Another sigh passed her lips but she relaxed some. “Remember that friend I had? What was his name? …Pik? The boy you always wanted me to invite over each time you were allowed to visit?”

“Pak,” Pangu recalled. He had come to realize the young boy had been his first infatuation though it was short lived. “How did you realize from that?”

“I had a girl friend who also liked Pak,” Heidi explained, “She looked at him the same way you did. I realized the connection and did not say anything. I was not even sure your mentors knew since that sort of thing was against Tiandi and all…”

Though, to be honest, she had kept the information to herself for two reasons. The first was that she had never been one hundred percent positive and the second was a tad more vindictive. She wanted to hold onto the secret until she had a good time to use it. That time just never came and, as she grew older, she realized that she had no desire to “ruin” her brother as she once did. So, she let it go.

“Baiya knows…” Pangu said in a whisper after a short bout of silence. “So does Kira but I have not told Raine. And no, my old mentors do not know either.”

“You told Baiya?” Heidi was rather surprised. Out of everyone, she would figure her brother would avoid him the most in regards to that topic.

“Yes. I mentioned that I liked men and he told me he was similar.” Pangu gulped. “Kira sort of figured it out on his own. He has a sixth sense about these things.”

“Hmm.”

Another pause persisted and Heidi was driven to her feet as a thought entered her head. Pangu heard the commotion and turned his head to the side. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“There was a well beside the building. I am going to get a drink of water.” She did not wait for a response before hurrying out of the room.

It had barely been a half hour so she was not sure if she would see Baiya and Crom outside anymore. There was a possibility that the Agni disciple had retired to the guard’s barracks for the night. In which case, she would have to have a talk with him.

Really, either way, she intended to talk with him.

Once she was outside again, she scoured the area until she heard some muffled voices. She pressed her body against the wall of the nearest building and crept closer until she could peer around the corner.

In a space between stores, two bodies faced each other and, if she focused, she could hear the words being said. “I know, I am sorry.” Baiya.

“That is alright. I just wanted to ask.” Crom.

Heidi leaned even further, only hoping her silhouette would not be seen.

“I understand and, perhaps if we had met up six months earlier, the answer would be different,” Baiya said.

“Is there a rule about it? …being a disciple and all?”

“Not especially…but my priorities and wants have changed since then.”

Silence.

“Is it one of them…?” Crom trailed off.

“N-no. It is not.”

Crom’s dry laugh echoed through the narrow space. “Oh, Baiya…who am I going to tell?”

Baiya took a long moment to respond and when he did, he was so quiet that Heidi almost could not hear him. “It’s the Xiang.”

She perked up and moved away, losing the remainder of the conversation in her internal celebration. Finally, there was something good she could do for her brother. Something to prove to him and his disciples that she really did want to be helpful.

So when Baiya appeared from the alleyway, she stepped out to greet him. “Hey.”

He jumped back and clutched a hand over his chest. “Shit! What are you doing out here?”

“Grabbing some water,” she stuck with the same excuse she gave Pangu, “and, unexpectedly, to give you some good news.”

Baiya’s scarred brow was the one that rose up. “…Good news?”

Heidi smiled and nodded. “I did happen to overhear you just now—sorry—but I can tell you that my brother feels the same way.”

While she expected some level of surprise, she did not anticipate Baiya to scowl. His brows furrowed and he pushed past her to head toward the inn. “Leave your brother alone, will you?”

She spun around. “What…? I mean it. I am not trying to pick on him; I am trying to help.”

He glared over his shoulder. “Whatever joke you think you are playing, it is not funny.”

Heidi watched with a hanging jaw as Baiya stormed into the building, leaving her out on the road. She was not even sure how to react—that had not gone, at all, how she had hoped. Not even close.

[lifeanddreamsandhopes]

Journaling

23/08/15

Hi, it's really been a whie now. Just lately I've been really feeling so shitty about everything, about my life, about myself, about my school works, and entirely just about everything that I've been doing. I feel like I have been so busy with just my phones, searching for that constant dopamine that I really forgot what I have to do for the day and then you know what, the day just ends, it doesn't wait for noone and nobody. I feel like I really need help to get it in control or else my life is not going to be great at all. from today onwards, the thing I can start doing for myself is journaling, it's hard to get it all out on paper, but at least I'll have it here, online, just somewhere, I just need to vent it all out somewhere, because as of now I have just been holding it in inside myself, just getting lost with my phone and forgetting to really honor and take care of myself.

The situation with me and my boyfriend is also not great now. I feel like he's really not going to stay here at all and I feel like he's just been hiding things from me or is it because I am hiding things from him that makes me feel that way. I just feel like I need to trust him more. I don't want to make him feel sad like this. and also with all the attention that he gave me, I feel like I am very spoiled and been manipulating things to go my way. he really doesn't deserve that, he deserves someone who can love him properly. I want to be that someone. but now, it seems like he's not talking to me, and I somehow feel relieved?? maybe I can just focus on myself now. starting to improve myself once again. I just want to feel right, I want to feel okay abou tmyself again. It felt great when I did. It felt amazing. Now maybe it's my 2nd self awakening will start.

as for the job searching, just like everything so far, because there are no clear schedule, I seem to struggle to follow up and haven't been able to do anything, so starting from tomorrow, I will do it. make a clear schedule of everyday and things I have to do, like to the minutes, because it can't really go this way anymore. I do not like it at all. I believe myself I can do it and I will. I will get into somewhere. I want to stay here. There are no way that I am going back.

Also lately was the problems with my grandma, she passed away, which was horrible. I still remember and hear her voice, I was sad but also somehow glad that she passed away because her final days looked like it was really hard on her, I just want her to find peace and calm.

[sub-zer0-blue]

It took you three days to talk to me

In the noon on a Saturday, the loudness of my own head was deafening, thin walls even thinner bone. I thought you could hear that noise, that chatter i finally could hear my heart beat feel the blood, rushing in my veins

“ People “ they are called ?

Whatever reason, Or less they are almost human two eyes two legs, two hands to arms, even a smile, even looking the port

Getting a hug from a stranger is often confusing, but it can only mean one of two things either they like you or they can use you often looking into those eyes sing behind the curtain my heart can often feel like the beat of a hummingbird’s wings scattered to overthink, is building a cage for yourself, without ever knowing it

It takes three months after trying to know someone and then trying to know you to finally walk away far away leaving you without understanding what you did wrong with a little to go on. It always falls back on you.

All mothers and fathers once sead. Nothings wrong with you is the world that is trying to use you.

People are not kind are not warm hearted they definitely do not care about your problems. Those whom open the skies could tell you that.

When you think something is wrong with you?

Often times there was nothing wrong with you, but everything wrong with the world. She said she loved me she said.

I scout it off you don’t love me you never have she said if you’re going to say that and how do you know I love you or not if you won’t believe me then what’s the point?

It is often I look up upon the midnight sky cold, as it is dark complete void of life, but somehow always puzzling to the human eye

Night spent alone, thinking thoughts of what could have done what I should’ve done wasted time wasted wine, the drops of rain, crack of thunder the meaning list of it all

It’s easy to get lost in someone’s eyes for you see the real them, but they should be, but it is strange because his beauty is covered up by lies and what they aren’t for the world cannot show beauty forward with surely die

What are you to hold someone’s hands and tell them everything every last detail likes getting your name on hot cement or breaking your arm climbing a tree.

Moments on revolving doors, eating stuck in them not so easy to get out of them. It is about time three months are up

And here I sit, once again, thinking of the moments that meant more to me than meant to you time I can’t get back days I should’ve done some thing else. This is called life and there’s no going back spoken words upon syllables upon meanings upon trying to understand.

I should’ve left long ago should’ve walked those hills over the top of mountains and passed pine trees in the morning lol so thick it fills my lungs like smoke I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

Must’ve been some thing I said must’ve been the hope that started it now here I sit alone by myself against the stone