#so actually it is not my fault at all that i dont have bandaids

[activemagnesiumcream3000]

tbh the community i have no beef with but find the strangest is the 'bloody nails' beauty aesthetic??? like you do you but also the cognitive dissonance i felt seeing beauty products devoted to recreating the effect of my mental illness is NOT to be underestimated. for just forty all american dollars you too can look like a stressed out teenager with ocd picking compulsions who forgot to buy bandaids again

[ratsarecute4]

I can't actually believe the public sometimes. So I volunteer in the small animals section of my local shelter, and this week we have two older male dumbo rats who are very sweet but very skittish. If they are unfamiliar with things, they get scared and bite them. Now, this is behaviour we are trying to help them stop, but as they are both older rats, it might just be hard.

So, while we work on their behaviour, there is a big sign, a huge sign, you really cannot miss it, attached to their cage that says "Careful, I bite." There is a second sign, you could not miss this one either, that says "do not stick your fingers in the cage". It really could not be more self explanatory.

And yet, I had to deal with not one, but two (TWO) grown adults, they were not even kids, who could SEE the sign, and still decided to put their fingers in the cage and get bit.

One of them I am more understanding of, she was maybe 19 or so, she did it while my back was turned, and after it happened she apologised and said she realised it was a stupid idea and told me she just loves rats and thought they wouldnt bite her. I get that, people make stupid decisions sometimes, but she owned up to it, just follow the sign next time. It is there for a reason.

But this other lady- maybe mid 40s to early 50s- I am much less forgiving to. First off, she saw the signs and still decided to ignore them. Then I told her "oh hey, those rats bite, dont put your finger in there", then she gets pissed at me for telling her what to do, and then she gets even angrier when she gets bit. She started shouting about how the shelter needs to compensate her and how I should control the animals better (I cant just tell the rats not to get scared and bite this lady, lol). I tried to tell her the shelter cant compensate her because the bite was her fault and the most we could do was offer antibiotic cream and bandaids from the first aid kit (in all honesty I was probably a little too blunt about this but I didnt know how to say it in a softer way). One of the staff members had to come in and calm this lady down.

I honestly have no idea why she did that in the first place and then got so angry. My theory is she was expecting some kind of insurance payout.

Anyways, if there is a big sign at the animal shelter that warns you the animal bites, no matter how cute it is, you probably shouldnt put any part of your body within biting range.

[wanderrlust0]

sudden rant turned spiral lol oops

my friend got tickets to see hozier aka andrew their wife and basically got them for us since i said id be down to go. personally im not like a fan where id go see him but id say im a casual listener. like i knew a good amount of songs. i loveee cherry wine and others. now that we have this concert coming up on june 7, ive become a listener. i gotta prepare and all that yknow. cant go to andrew unprepared. also..idk how?! but i was not aware of his thick irish accent.. loll and i mean, even in his new album, he sings with a clear accent?? idk how i never noticed before honestly. so yeah, im curious to know what a hozier concert will be liikeeee. this will be my second concert this yr and they both involve me going bc a friend asked me to go for company lol. i am going to another in august w my bf to see porter robinson and thats actually one i will really enjoy!! itll also be our first like “edm” dance music type concert so itll be so cool. its at the same stadium that hozier will be at as welllll..but you see, what im procrastinating is telling my bf im going w my friend. my friend who hes not a fan of. the one who he thinks is a Threat! D: ive been knowing for likee 2 weeksish and havent said a single word about it agdjfkfl but i am calling it now.. i. will. tell. him. tomorrow. period. no ifs ands or buts. i need to stop worrying and just rip the bandaid off. once i do tho, im still gonna feel anxious bc literally The NEXt WEEk we will most likely go to my (ex)coworkers second party. (the one who threw a halloween party and i didnt know if wed go but we were already hanging out that day so i mentioned it prior and we ended up having enough time and the girls house was very close to me so we ended up dropping by and i told elias right then and there so it was very last minute and kind of fucked up of me but ive developed an avoidance thing towards him if it has to do with snow bc of everything and thats why now i cant help myself from feeling nervous to ever bring them up around him bc im scared he’ll revert back and not love me and start resenting me and leave me and be mean to me and make me feel lonely and accuse me of things and say its my fault i started the friendship in the first place and that im not committed to him and dont love him anymore and everything else under the sun bc hes got trust issues which is a pain and he’ll go from loving me so hard to not in a quick minute if he starts thinking the worst possibilities and i just cant handle all of that and tbh its nothing new so ive grown to understand the process and that itll pass but it really does suckk and it can turn into a turn off and then he becomes emotionally unavailable and then i become emotionally annoyed and then its a constant reoccurring cycle that doesnt always look the same but they follow the same theme which is trust and every time it happens i want to shout at his ex for causing him to develop this issue and this is me spiraling right now bc im nervous and to be crystal clear its not bc im doing anything shady at all or anything with this friend but i just wanna feel the freedom to just casually hang out with them without it feeling so taboo or whatever bc we still have so many plans that wed like to do and idk if he will ever be okay with me going to their house and idk when he’ll ever get better where he wont care how many times we hang out or how often we talk and i just want him to chill about them bc theyre not a bad person at all theyre not this homewrecker girlfriend stealer he makes it out to beeee were literally just existinggg were literally just two friends who enjoy each others company and existence and have become very open and genuine with fairly quickly and we somehow just connected and i truly do love them as a friend and im happy weve crossed paths and stayed in touch and its just something he cant and wont fully understand about us but hes been trying to at least a little but is mainly just dealing with it bc he knows he cant stop me and im not gonna stop my friendship bc hes telling me to so,

…continued…

[nathank77]

3/29/24

1:18 a.m

Why do I dislike Mike as a therapist? Hate is a strong word but I wanted to make it clear in my email to Danielle that I posted below with a whole speel about having a lower quality of care and having to out myself to providers as trans and a voice hearer, making it known to her that I feel unsafe, dehumanized, stigmatized and discriminated against yet I will stay with Mike bc of this bc I don't want to be discriminated against.... anyways I got that all out but it was an important entry.

Why do I dislike Mike?

1) do you really hear a voice or is it a narrative?

- we talked about it and he showed genuine human emotion and cried a little but nonetheless I don't want to see him bc of the question that's why I tried to replace him.

2) would you rather have a mood disorder (bipolar voice hearer/schizoaffective) or a personality disorder(schizotypal)? In relation to saying psychosis is not a stand alone thing.... fact is psychosis can be a stand alone thing 1000%. Look it up. I had to fight him on this with facts.

- we talked about it and said he wasn't trying to diagnosis me, either way it rubbed me the wrong way that I had to fight him about facts, it is factually psychosis can be a standalone thing and go away. It doesn't have to be schizophrenia or depression or something else.

3) he brings up his education at NYU constantly and acts like a big wig. He thinks he is a big wig and he challenges me with questions which I'll list below that blow my mind, and aggravate me constantly.

He actually thinks he is smarter than me. I'd say we are of equal intelligence tbh. He isn't stupid but he isn't emotionally intelligent that's factually and he actually acts like a big wig.

4) just going back to psychosis not being a standalone illness. He doesn't believe psychosis can just be psychosis......

5) he pushed and has continued to push antidepressants..... especially since getting psychosis.... BRO MY NEUROTRANSMITTERS ARE ALREADY ALL SORTS OF MESSED UP. And I'm trying to recover naturally from psychosis....

Why not throw in some random SSRI or whatever and see what it does??? Antidepressants aren't a fucking bandaid and I don't have depression....

I'm sick of this conversation. He keeps saying well ERP in conjunction to an antidepressant is the highest quality of care for someone with OCD. First off we aren't doing ERP right now but secondly even if we were, I don't want to take a fucking antidepressant.

WELL BROTHER I DON'T FUCKING WANT AN ANTIDEPRESSANT. I NEVER DID AND I ESPECIALLY DONT WANT ONE NOW THAT I HAVE PSYCHOSIS.

WE DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THE BRAIN WORKS AND WE NEVER TRULY WILL SO LETS LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE IM ALREADY ON BENZODIAZEPINES JUST TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AND ID RATHER NOT BE BUT I CANT SLEEP WITHOUT THEM.

6) when I brought up how my quality of care is lower bc I won't take antipsychotics bc of the side effects, and I'm not being treated the same by medical providers bc I'm labeled as psychotic.

Aka they won't treat me. If they will they won't look at issues as separate. Such as insomnia. And Continuing to be referred out to Behavioral health where I'm going to be forced to take antipsychotics.

Mike actually asked me why wouldn't you just do antipsychotics..... well idiot:

1] Seizures

2] movement disorders

3] negative symptoms- aka all this functionality I currently have can come to a screeching fault

4] the voice doesn't typically go away I've asked and looked at research....

5] it lowers your life expectancy by 30%

6] it lowers dopamine all over your fucking brain rather than the appropriate pathway-talk about antidepressants being a bandaid and the brain not being fully understood, antipsychotics are way worse

7] when you look up can you recover from psychosis in Google searches- you actually see in the commonly asked questions can you recover from antipsychotics!!!!!

8] I brought up my extensive education on the topic as I studied it intensively in grad school

9] they actually lower your IQ

His response was why wouldn't you want a lower IQ?? STUPID PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER..... that may be true... but:

I responded well I mean I went to school for my masters in neuroscience... I have a 160k education I worked very hard on and I may not be using it but I like being intelligent... I like learning new things. I like being inquisitive and educated and may be one day I will beat psychosis and OCD and end up getting my PhD or using my current education and getting into research but either way I like being intelligent.

7) when we were having this conversation i said i wasn't psychotic just bc I have psychosis and he said having Psychosis means you're psychotic... and I was like not when you're in remission, when you are firmly gripped in reality and not delusional, not when you're socially and occupationally functional and the only symptom you have is an auditory hallucination that causes suffering but nonetheless doesn't prevent you from functioning, you're not psychotic.

He made me feel like I was once again defined as fucking psychotic just bc I hallucinate... my grip on reality and functionality and intelligence plays a role in whether I'm, "psychotic."

Gotta love how people label you. Erin doesn't see me as psychotic. She sees me as a functional, intelligent, and firmly gripped in reality person who suffers from broken d2 receptors.

8) I asked him if he could stop cutting me off so I could finish my stories cause I need to vent and everytime he cuts me off I have to answer his annoying question and then I have to backtrack to explain what I was explaining. I explained it nicely but nonetheless now he is "checking out." I can see it in his face.

9) When I reestablished Therapy with him and I lost track of time and missed our 6. He said 630. I showed up and he never did and he pretended he didn't receive my texts.

-This is all I can come up with now minus him always bringing up movies that's gotten a little better but he talked to me about Benadryl and the man in the hat. I didn't know what he was talking about but Benadryl can make you see stuff cause I guess it's a delirium... I mean I never had visual hallucination with psychosis. Other than numbers being a little different (50 followers would switch to 51 back and forth) and i had that one physical hallucination the Rosalyn post i thought Elise posted... but that was actually October 7th before I had psychosis. Nonetheless it scared me that it happened but that's the extent of my visuals. I don't have them anymore.

before psychosis I took benadryl every single night with weed and I slept but bringing up the man in the hat scared me.... like of course I worry that things will worsen despite them getting better.

-he really lacks emotional Intelligence. I don't hate him. I don't like him as a therapist but bc of Danielle I'm stuck with him...

-Do I think he is a bad person?

No. I just don't think he is emotionally intelligent enough to be my therapist. I think generally he is a decent human but not the right fit for me as a therapist. I'd drop him like a hot potato if Danielle would find a therapist who was accepting of trans people and someone who doesn't stigmatize voice hearers.

[nebula-nights-reblogs]

Can the local ham loaf stop being expired? Please?

[paperclip7805]

{Massive Toh s3 Spoilers}

This is just gonna be a diary of my thoughts before and well watching the special, get ready for me to fucking lose it.

Kings tide, and so it begins😀

We’re only on kings tide and I’m already crying cause eda kissed hootys head. I totally forgot that happened and I’m gonna lose it

I FORGOT HOW STRESSFUL KINGS TIDE IS IM NOT OKAY

I’m sorry but hooty in a ball is so funny, like, I wanna know how long he actully is.

Imagine if Luz actually got petrified, like she literally almost died. What would have the hexside squad and every one done.

Her almost getting petrified must have been so painful, remember how painful it was when Eda was almost petrified.

Tera turning to rain and asking “Raine? Belos is giving us paradise right?” Will always be a heartbreakingly good line. I get chills every time.

AMITY HAVING TO LEAVE HER DAD HAS ME IN TEARS AGAIN I CANT DO THIS

RUN LUZ RUN

YES HEXSIDE SWUAD IS HERE

willow is so powerful I love her

King looked like a bowling ball because of the way he fell down the stairs.

I forgot that Gus saw everything from hollow mind, is he gonna bring it up to luz and Hunter at all?

Ew, I didn’t know that they have earwigs on the boiling isles. I can’t escape earwigs

THERE ARE SO MANY GOLDEN GUARD CORPUSES:(

I love how amity and Luz protect eachother they are literally goals

OMG RAINE I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE OKAY

YES THE COLLECTORS THEME IS SO GOOD

the collector low key fucked Belos up lmao. I forgot how terrifying they are.

I still love the collector and his little “okay!:) boop:)”

Omg the collector is so cool, I feel like he would be an iPad kid

“I’m so happy I had you as a big sister” IM FUCKING WRECKED YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND

Gus’s little cry I can’t do this.

Okay now thanks to them

I’m so fucking terrified

Amity with the tea omgit’s adorable, I need camila needs to teach her how to cook

Hunter really went “they won’t hate you, they’ll hate us:)”

AMITY AND LUZ ARE SO CUTE W THE BANDAID

BELOS NEEDS TO GET HUS UGLY ASS OUTTA HERE

Gus is so cute ONG but he needs to stop breaking stuff

LMAO CAMILA WAS LIKE “WTF” when Hunter knelt in-front of her

LUZ AND HER DAD ON THE WALL I CANT DEAL WITH THAT:(

LUMITY STUDIOS PRESENTS LMAO SHES SUCH A NERD

Amity leaving out odalia as she should on the family picture.

Huntlow is adorable

Gus you silly goose

LUMITY IN THE RAIN MY FANFIC DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE

I’m just waiting for something absolutely traumatic to happen and then Disney is like “BUY A BARBIE DREAM CLOSET”

THEIR ALL LEARNING SPANISH ONG

HOTTY ON THE DOOR THEY MISS HIM:(

Omg it’s duolingo

HUNTER IS SO BAD AT SOANISH

OMG THEY ARE TRYING TO HELP WITH THE HOUSE WORK

Amity you loser, she just ate shit

A MAP?!?!

OMG HUNTER IS CRUSHING SO HARD

omg luz has a Fanny pack lmao

Poor luz omg:(

PICTURES OF EDA IN LUZS LOCKER:(

the kid with the gauged ears look so cool

CAMILA ASKING IF THEY NEED TO DRINK BLOOD

Hunter practicing his sewing skills

OMG HUNTER WITH THE WOLF SHIRT

Hunter is so happy:)

Oh no, now he’s so sad:(

amity, go check on ur girl

CAMILA LOVES THEM SO MUCH

“You don’t want luz to turn out like you did” no that’s so fucking mean

Luz is so adorable saying to give the parliaments a kiss

“Hedgehogs”🙄

HUNTER AND GUS OKG THAT IS SO ADORABLE

TEANSPORT WORM

NO HUNTER OMG I HOPE YOUR OKAY

WILLOW WHYD YOU POKE HIM

Amity at the library is so cute

Ew not the historical society freak I fucking hate him

OMG THE COOL PERSON IS NON-BINARY

OMG VEE BLUSHED AT THE COOL GOTH PERSON OMG

THE SCRAP BOOK IS SO CUTE:)

OMG I JUST NOTICED THE LESBIAN FLAG HEART

Vee is so cool and smart and I love her

Oh thank god Hunter is okay but he terrified, I would be too

OMG ITS EXATLY WHAT HE SAID DURING THE SELKIDAUMUS EPISODE

Not the basement wtf

WTF IS IN THERE

Oh thank god it’s just a possum

Omg hunters crying and I’m crying we’re twins

Why is Camilla so weird ab the comic?

Luz and amity are so cute with the costumes they just love eachother so much

ITS NOT UR FAULT LUZ

everybody is such nerds

GET UR FUGLY ASS OUT IF HERE BELOS

IS BELOS GONNA POSSES HUNTER NO OMG? IS flapjack gonna be okay

BELIS NEEDS TO LEAVE THIS POOR BOY ALONE

Hunter needs to go to sasha for therapy

THE REASON SHE READS AZURA IS BECAUSE OF HER DAD:(

OMG IT GOT IN THROUGH HUNTERS CUT

HUNTER NO ONG

IK that this is a very dramatic moment ad all but it’s funny to me that he put the wolf shirt on under the costume, he’s adorable I love him:)

FlapjackNO WTF

WAIT THAT WAS OWLBERT ON THE VILE

O MF THE ANIMATIONIT LOOKS LIKE A MILLION DOLLAR MOVIE

OMG FLAPJACK NO YOU CANT DO THIS

Fight him Hunter you can do this

OMG HUNTER PLEASE BE OKAY

flapjack:( this is so not okay I’m so not okay. I will never be okay again

CAMILA OMG I LOVE HER

Mama IN THE DEMON REALM

Hunter talking to flapjack:(

Good witch luzura:) that’s so cute

IMG vee I fucking love you

I’m not gonna be okay ever again

My cry count is like 7:)

[mourninglamby]

What made you like cbeeduo

the issues and problems. in my head c!ranboo loves c!tubbo, and c!tubbo loves ranboo, just not in the way ranboo thought he did. tubbo is a character who has the opposite response to trauma as tommy. instead of lashing out or emotionally imploding, he isolates and buries himself in projects, something c!ranboo has acted as a mouthpiece for when other character ask abt it. but i dont think ranboo ever thought that tubbo was also isolating himself from HIM. we see that with the One Year Later stream aka ctubbo enthusiasts Biggest Feast Ever. i think that stream defined where those two were headed and im glad it was the setup for tubbo working with quackity. their last convo in lore was a "fight", ending in ranboo running off to avoid confrontation and not even looking him in the eyes, despite tubbo being one of the only two people he can do that with (tommy being the other. ironing my I HEART C!ALLIUMDUO shirt). it was very real and raw and relatable !!!

what makes them so interesting is that they both have issues processing their emotions as a result of trauma, but that comes in different flavors, and they clash when ranboo realizes this. the delivery on "youre saying you werent happy...before?" implies ranboo thinks he wasnt enough for tubbo, which isnt necessarily a bad thing when we take into account real life relationships. if youre unhappy single, youre not gonna be happy in a relationship, relationships arent bandaids for mental turmoil. but its something that definitely deeply hurt ranboo, who is a character we're lead to believe loves the people around him so fiercely that its sometimes a fault.

WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY. im so fucking sad the burger lore got stunted and skipped over. tntduo is already extremely fucking exciting to watch but the beeduo stuff we were getting? that was PRIME that was RIVETING AND FRESH. outside of the cool allegories sprinkled throughout that dsmp has become known for, it would have been the perfect conduit plot to finally understand ctubbos emotions a little bit more outside of inferences and small outbursts like the one year later stream, and it would finally provide amazing interpersonal conflict that doesnt just involve miscommunication (no offense to fiances i know theres more at play there) which actually originates from a spousal disagreement that brings issues they overlooked in exchange for enjoying the good parts of each other to the forefront, forcing them to work through and eventually come out of with a better understanding of each other and their relationship.

ALL OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SO NICE TO WATCH ALONGSIDE TNTDUO, AN ACTUALLY TOXIC DYNAMICCCCC. it would have been so perfect, the characters they set up for this arc were fucking A PLUS and i will never EVER stop being sad about that plot being shelved/probably soon-to-be retconned.

[unloved-cadillac]

can i request a one shot or head canons (whichever one is easier for you to write) where Chuuya from bsd accidentally injures his fem s/o when he’s in corruption form? and when Dazai nullifies his ability, he sees that his s/o is hurt so after battle, he takes care of his s/o and endlessly apologizes while s/o assured him it’s okay and it wasn’t his fault?

C/n: hello there. Oooh this was a nice one. I just want to hug Chuuya so badly. Thanks for requesting and I hope that you enjoy🤍

———————————————————————

I’m a Monster(A Chuuya x Reader Oneshot)

Wow. Never in a million years did Chuuya think that he would have to unleash this monster again. Not now. Not ever. But here he was, taking off his hat and jacket while you and Dazai watched. You,personally, have never seen his corruption form. From Chuuya had told you he never wanted you to see it. It made him disappear from reality and sink into his dark form. He never wanted you to see him like that. But this monster, whatever the hell it was, could only be beaten by a force so strong that neither you or him could exert. Except, he could. He gave Dazai a knowing look and Dazai immediately understood. Arahabaki was going to get unleashed and Chuuya needed you to stay back. Go back to base if you could. This side of him he was never proud of.

Before you could even debate on this, Chuuya removed his gloves and walked towards the weird beast. You saw red marks form on him and his eyes turned white. This wasn’t your Chuuya. This wasn’t him.

As he leaves, his hands make giant red balls and he shoots them towards this monster. He flies, gravity non-existent. You stay back with Dazai, watching your lover bring the thing down to it’s knees and kill it. You bit your lip, anxious of Chuuya’s being. “Dazai?” You call him. He looks at you. “Yes?” “Is this..Arahabaki?” You ask him and all he does was nod. He knew that Chuuya didn’t want you to see him like this. Mostly because he knew that Chuuya’s mind became corrupted with power. Nobody existed for him in this state. Not even his beloved.

Chuuya came back down and your breath caught. He was laughing maniacally and throwing these balls everywhere, causing chaos. You ran to him, screaming out for him. “Chuuya! Chuuya, it’s over. Come back now!” But he didn’t listen. He made another ball and threw it by you, causing an explosion. The rocks blew up hitting your face and body. Damn. That hurt.

Dazai ran to him and held his bare hand, canceling Corruption. His eyes returned to his baby blue color and his marks disappeared. But man was he exhausted. ���Thanks. Where’s Y/n?” He asks Dazai trying to stay up. “Over there.” Dazai points to your fallen form. You weren’t knocked out but the impact of the explosion was bad. Chuuya immediately gathered whatever strength he had and ran to you. He fell to his knees and cradled. “Y/n?! Y/n, answer me. Oh god. What did I do? Dazai! You were supposed to keep her away, you bastard!” He yells out and your eyes started closing. Chuuya could feel himself giving out but he needed to stay awake for you. He hurt you and now he needed to take care of you. However, it was pitch black a few seconds after.

~~~~

You could feel your consciences come back. You took a deep breath- “ow shit” you say and hold your side. You slowly opened your eyes and looked around. Ah, the ADA. Back home. Wait..Chuuya. You quickly woke up but was immediately pushed back down by another hand. “Yosano?” “Hey, sweetheart. Lay down. You’re in no condition to move right now.” She says checking your wounds. “Where’s Chuuya? Is he okay?” You ask her and she nods. “He’s not here now but back at the Mafia. I couldn’t risk bringing him here. But from what I’ve heard from Dazai, he’s okay.” She finishes and you sigh. Your left side hurt like a bitch. You weren’t even angry at Chuuya. That would be a stupid thing to be angry about. You actually blamed yourself. You should’ve stayed back.

Later on, you gathered your things and went home. You had every intention of going to Chuuya’s, regardless of your injuries. You needed to know that he was okay. That he was safe. When you entered your home, flicking on the light you were met by the sight of your boyfriend. “Y/n!” He calls out after looking up from his glass. He ran to you but stopped when he saw your bandages on your stomach and bandaids on your face. “Chuu. Oh my god. Thank god you’re okay! I was so worried about you!” You reach to hug him but he steps back, with his head down. You raises your eyebrows at his actions and drop your arms. “Honey? What happened?”

“I’m a monster.”

You widen your eyes at his remark and from what you could see, faint tears were flowing down his face onto the floor beneath him. “What are you talking about? Chuu, you’re not. Don’t say that.” “I hurt you, Y/n!” He shouts and you flinch at his tone. “I hurt you. I vowed never to show you that side of me because I knew that I would lose control. I vowed that I would never hurt you. Now look at you. Bandaged all because of me. I’m sorry, Y/n. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice cracks at the end which brought you to tears.

You walk up to him wrap your arms around him. Chuuya’s body stiffens at you, not daring to hug you back, scared of hurting you more. “You idiot. You utter idiot. This wasn’t your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself. I should’ve been more careful. I love you so much, Chuuya Nakahara. I will always love you.” You hug him tighter and he finally brings his arms up to hug you softly. “I love you, Y/n. So much. I’m so sorry.” He apologizes and you slap his head. “Dont be. But if you still feel bad you can help me have a bath?” You say, smiling. “Of course.”

From then on, until your injuries healed, he stayed by your side. Getting anything and everything for you. Some a bit extreme but you knew he only did this out guilt. Sometimes you could see him dazed out, thinking about this whole situation. “Chuu? Look at me.” You say and he quickly looks at you. “What is it, Y/n? Do you need something? Are you hurt?” He asks, frantically and you laugh and cup his face. “Stop feeling so guilty. I told you that this wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for anything.” He sighs and puts his head onto your lap. You stroke his hair and lean down to kiss his temple.

“It’s not your fault.”

———————————————————————

“Oh look. I posted. I’m sorry for hardly posting. Was on a little break. But don’t worry. I’m back. Finishing up requests. Love you guys.”

🖤🤍Thanks for reading🤍🖤

-Caddy.

[nessinborderland]

Fluff/sad(????) hours are open for me

(- fun fact i have some ideas to write some os' but i dont have any motivation to write to them down to actually turn it into an os)

And i kinda wanna share it again so

yea

; You came back from a game with Chishiya. You went with him and a few people from the Beach you actually liked or were friends with. You two were the only one who came back. Chishiya, no blood stain and his beloved zip up hoodie, looking bored as ever and you, actually hella sad, blood stains everywhere on your clothes and face. Guns were involved and big ass cats. One big kitty caught your hip. Chishiya had grabbed you a little while later as he had found a good hiding spot.

Now you're back again, wrapped up with a bandage around your hip. "You're quiet", he just says as he walks you to Ann to inspect your wound. "What did you expect? I thought I was about to die for a good second, I've seen some friends die AND you could have been a little bit faster, big brain", you said. After Ann inspected your wound, she that it will heal perfectly fine if you clean it on a regular base.

"Is Niragi in his room?", you ask Ann. "He should be. He wasn't around all day, besides the few times you were with him", she replies. You nod and walk out the basement. Chishiya walkes you to Niragis room. "You're both weird. If I'm not around, you're about to jump on each others neck and if I'm around, you guys at least try to be nice to each other. It's no secret that you don't like each others, you don't have to play nice", you say. "you're already hurt. You can't spend time with both of us at the same, at least we try to play nice", he says. You roll your eyes. "Not shit, shawty. But that makes it way more awkward than it's supposed to be", you say. "You don't like it if I'm with Niragi and it's the other way around. He doesn't like it if I'm with you". He sighs and doesn't respond to that.

As soon as you arrive at Niragi's room, Shiya waits. "He will hurt you", he says. "And what about it?", you knock at his door, waiting for Niragi to open it. "If he decides to hurt me, it's on him. Until then, I'll be good if I don't die in a game", soon the door opens. Chishiya tenses and Niragi halts in his movements. He looks at me and then Chishiya. "Chill out. It was my fault, I wasn't fast enough", you say. They ignore you, too busy with glarring at each other. You sigh and slighty slap Chishiyas arm to get his attention. He looks at you. "Thanks again, shawty", he nods. "Better get some rest tonight", he says, glares at Niragi again for a second and walks to the staires. You walk into the room. "Did he do anything to you?", "no", you just say and walk into the bathroom. He takes new clothes for you to wear. "Let's get you cleaned up", he takes the first aid kit and a cloth. You sit down on the toilet and throw off your shirt. It's nothing new since you sometimes wear a bikini too if the weather is nice enough.

He takes the cloth, rinses it under water for a second and cleans the blood off your face and the stains that dripped through your shirt. "They weren't strong enough to win the game anyway", he says. He isn't lying, but still- it hurts you. He places some bandaids on scratches that are still bleeding. After he's done, the leaves the bathroom. You change into new clothes and walk into the room again. He changed as well, a hoodie and sweatpants and lays in bed. "Does it hurt?", "emotional or physical?", "both", he says. You just nod. He just opens his arms and holds up the blanket. You lay next to him, not without hissing in pain. He closes his arms around you, so you're kinda wrapped up in the blanket. "Don't take it to your hard. Only make friends with people you really like", he says.

so whatcha think🗿？

Loving the sibling relationship here 🤧 they're like two older brothers that don't get along at all, protecting their little sister and I love that.

And I get what you mean! I'm always overflowing with ideas, but the will to write them is so hard sometimes. It's really hard to start, and sometimes it's harder to end. But if you're really inspired, do it! It's a really nice feeling when you finally post something done ahaha.

[in-tua-deep]

tua s1 rewatch with my roommate

episode one (I forgot for the first episode oops):

I have been treated to pictures of a lovely cosplay of Klaus who won a cosplay contest my roommate was in !!

Klaus putting his arm in front of Five during the funeral fight is good shit

“I have heard like nothing about Vanya” “yeah that’s pretty much how she’s treated in show as well”

“I can see why he’s the fandom favorite” - about Klaus

“Istanbul is in the firST EPISODE?”

I forGOT about the “rapists can climb” line when he breaks into Vanya’s apartment omg but also like,, his dumb arm wound

Episode two:

HERR CARLSON

Aww baby fives first time travel his little smile. Baby. Baby boy. And the dawning horror in the apocalypse baby nO

Five: you got anything stronger

Also five: takes one sip and then fills up more, takes another sip, and then immediately puts it down ?????

The motel dude for hazel and cha cha just looks at them like “yeah these are serial killers” and just rolls with it

Also actually why tf doesn’t the commission spring for better stuff?? Why would they cut costs?? They time travel? They could game the stock market so hard ?????? Give the assassins their own rooms omg

Also why didn’t five like. Crush his tracker. Why did he just leave it whole and intact outside of the Griddys.

Forgot how much I love Agnes

(Oh man it is storming bad here it just BOOMED)

Also idk if Diego actually deserved that taser hmmmmm but also like,, communication lads five was literally right there killing people and Diego is like “hmm something is up here” like. Yeah Diego ur big brother “I can get my sibling in trouble for something” senses are tingling

Wow I really did repress all these Allison and Luther scenes huh. Also it’s still super cute that Allison read Claire moon books

Allison: dads heart gave out, which wasn’t how I was expecting to find out dad had a heart but it tracks

“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE BEN... said with love 😘”

Did five actually sleep at Vanyas?? The sofa looks undisturbed but he had to wait for work hours to interrogate the meritech people,, five,, please sleep. The whole “IF YOU CALL ME YOUNG MAN ONE MORE TIME” interaction makes more sense with five on. Zero sleep.

I didn’t remember that Patch straight up knows about the umbrella academy oops. Like she clocks Diego as overcompensating for his childhood. Queen

Is that an umbrella adademy Diego cross stitch on Diego’s wall?? Did he buy that? Make it?? Did grace make it?

Vanya, walking into the academy: five??? five? pspspspspsps

Also like. Who was Vanyas therapist??? Clearly they did not help her

Aww the tow truck driver :(

I know the show wants me to dislike Patrick I KNOW,, and I think her fathers funeral is extenuating circumstance?? But still Patrick is valid for not giving an inch regarding his ex who mind controlled his child. Vanya didn’t really deserve Allison snapping at her but like. She had some good points. Allison arguably would have had to deal with vanyas book more than anyone else

Five smiling proudly at Klaus’s drama at meritech bless but also KLAUS DONT BREAK GLASS ON YOURSELF

Me, spotting Leonard: BASTARD

Love how everyone greets Diego in the gym and don’t question all his knives or anything like “yeah that’s Diego he lives here and loves knives :)”

Why could Leonard have not been like. A normal ass guy. Vanya needs friends who sympathize with her holy shit get this person some socialization

Pogo really did have to lead these kids by hand to the recording rooms because literally no one was super invested in reginalds ~murder mystery~

ahafahJAGSJWGAI MY ROOMMATE JUST SAID POGO IS THE BEST CHARACTER SO FAR,,,, I will probably never include pogo in my fics because I do Not Care About Him lmaoooo

Aww five does to see Dolores and being like “it’s been a rough couple of days :(“,,,,, baby,,,, but also tag yourself I’m hazel going “elastic wrist splint yesssssss”

Five I am begging you PLEASE get some sleep

OH FIVE SHAKING DIEGO IN THE APOCALYPSE TO TRY AND WAKE HIM UP OHHHHH OH :(

Episode 3:

my roommate is super faceblind which is an issue bc she identifies people mainly by hairstyle so seeing the s2 stuff on tumblr is tripping her over bc she keeps seeing diego and going ??? who is that again? bc she’s seen his longer hair

okay there is no way that the eggs that grace put in that pan are the ones that ended up on the smiley face breakfast plate,,, but also grace that whole scene was a mood honestly i would be like “okay maybe mom killed dad BUT he deserved it sooooo”

“what the FUCK” - my roommate about cha-cha’s shitty wound care where she holds a curling iron against her arm

i didn’t remember that five got shOT AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE did i just erase that from my memory?? i mean yeah it’s a graze but he stitches it up and then slaps a bandaid on it so he has a wound that needed stitches on his shoulder for the entire show ??????? is he okay???? that would make moving your arm,,, painful,,,,,

a bandaid just slapped over it i’m actively yelling

“Sometimes when I see a million gifs of a show before I watch I get really surprised when they talk but he is exactly what I expected” - my roommate, about five

“I noticed they’ve only really showed diego in really badly lit scenes so far” - my roommate defending her lack of ability to recognize diego

i’m still laughing about pogo literally having to point out the murder tapes and now allison and luther are investigating and just. allison is lowkey defending grace and i’m laughing

“why is he saying woodwork is embarrassing that’s like one of the most middle of the wood hobbies to have. you’re respectable to grandpas who used to carve wooden ducks AND twenty-year-olds who can’t make anything to save their lives” - my roommate on leonard peabody

“i think he’s already crossing some lines he’s met this lady ONCE” - roommate on leonard/vanya

five having flashbacks in the car :(

did allison and luther draw straws for who went to fetch which sibling?? allison was like “dibs on vanya” and luther was just like “aww :(”

five luther and klaus in the van - BOYS NIGHT BOYS NIGHT let’s go pick up diego

“the coat he’s wearing does have a nice swish to it” - roommate about klaus’s coat

luther being like “you’re just as messed up as the rest of us and we’re all you have” like luther,,, baby,,,,, you literally ARE all he has,,,,,, his family is the only thing he’s really cared about since he was thirteen and maybe before then :(

“I can’t tell if those are supposed to be cake or yeast donuts... i think extruded donuts are cake donuts but she said she lets them rise so maybe they’re yeast?” - my roommate focusing on all the things that i do not

sometimes i forget that hazel and cha-cha pretended to be private detectives trying to find a lost child in a potentially dangerous situation,,, five would be disgusted

“she shouldn’t get a vote” “i was gonna say i agree with you” “she should get a vote!!” this is peak sibling energy honestly i think i’ve had that exact interaction with my siblings voting for a movie or something

“hashtag android rights” 

“I want to be the tailor who gets a call one day that says ‘i want you to make clothes for a chimpanzee”

is it telling that only luther in the flashback didn’t really talk to grace at all,, i mean five didn’t either but i think he was gone by that point in the flashback ???? 

wait diego tells grace that she worked for him for thirty years,,, the kids are 29 and later it’s implied she was built bc vanya kept killing nannies when they were like four but maybe s2 clarifies that some more?? or diego just is rounding up

“that’s an interesting fabric to her skirt” - my roommate about grace’s outfit

forgot that hazel and cha cha broke the door to the manor busting in,, do they ever fix that?? we’re only at episode three do they spend the rest of the season with their door open to anyone on the streets

okay that bathtub is WAY too small to allow for klaus to be moving his elbows about like that underwater smh

“how is HE useful on mission??” my roommate about klaus

where is the SECURITY SYSTEM??? luther LITERALLY said that reggie was more paranoid and yet some assassin can just bust down the door and have unrestricted access????? he built a whole ROBOT but no security system????????

“maybe it was like,, practice for the kids? someone breaks in and they take care of it? wait no that doesn’t explain the thirteen years they’ve been gone?”

“why WAS he on the moon?” - about luther

“I want to see what she’s embroidering!!” about grace during the gunfight in the living room she’s absolutely ignoring diego getting shot at

what is a rope-a-dope,,,, diego yells “EVER HEARD OF A ROPE-A-DOPE???” at luther but like. no i haven’t. what does that MEAN diego

aww i forgot they played sinnerman, love that song

“what are you doing dude, rumor has it you’re not shooting at me that’s all you need to do” i mean. the roommate is not wrong. allison could just end the fight with a yell. i understand she’s pissed off and has rumor trauma but like cha cha is actively trying to murder them

how is luther not winning he literally has super strength. does hazel have super strength? just punch the man and knock him out jesus y’all suck at this smh

why is there such intense music we all been knew about luther’s strength - oH HIS BODY

forgot about that

is it allison’s fault that klaus got kidnapped because she didn’t literally just rumor them to give up?? like she literally has that power. she could have been like “i heard a rumor you left and forgot about us” it didn’t even need to be violent?? i understand she has rumor trauma but this i feel is allowable circumstances

diego showing his worry about vanya by getting angry which honestly i think all the siblings do that rip none of these idiots have even heard of healthy communication in their LIVES

you know,, i don’t think vanya can drive. she takes the bus. she took a taxi to leonard’s house. we see her walking a lot. does she know how to drive?? i imagine that the umbrella academy were taught bc of mission related stuff but,,, vanya wasn’t?? that’s just depressing tbh

[megashadowdragon]

me  since book 1 of legend of korra when  ever people try to claim mako was a womanizer, gary stu ( which requires a misunderstanding of what a gary stu is nad  makos character   people have thrown that term around to any character they dont like ) , or creators pet , manipulator    ,  when that was never the case     ( he never was  mako is a human being who makes mistakes the narrative always acknowledged his flaws as things that needed to be worked on the idea that if a character makes mistakes and isnt specifically punished for them and good things happen to him afterwards   its rewarding him for his flaws is nonsense    the claim that he needed to suffer or have good things taken from him is bs  korra was just as responsible for the love triangle as mako and claim that mako ending the show single was karma is nonsense he shouldnt be punished for not being perfect and making mistakes ( which is why korrasami only became popular due to the hate for mako and a desire for lgbt rep not due to any actual chemistry or because it would make sense ( korrasami was thrown in at the last minute as a retcon and publicity stunt/political statement optimistic view : bryke genuinely thought they would be doing good  and helping people  they compromised the story  narrative by throwing it in at last minute  cynical  publicity stunt either way they tried to cover their asses by casting aspersions on critics

the narrative they made led to the idea korra would end the show single with possibly a hint to makorra getting back together I cant help but rolly my eyes when I think how certain fans would react to that there would be claims of queerbaiting when they queerbaited themselves nothing hinted at korrasami the only way you could see evidence is if you were wearing shipping goggles or ending up unhappy to be frank I would change  ) (  and this was the case ever since I watched b1 ( I was part of the fndm since the first episode came out)

“Censorship explains why we couldn’t get a kiss and an “I love you” in the finale or blatant romantic scenes, not the utter lack of Korra-Asami interaction as a whole. They had six (to six and a half) minutes of interaction in the last season, spread out over six interactions/conversations. They’ve had nearly no on-screen interaction since “Long Live the Queen,” actually. They had the 5 second “I can come to the South Pole” convo in “Korra Alone” (which Korra refused), the single letter, their interactions in “Reunions,” and then the tea scene in “Remembrances.” After that, they don’t speak again until the last two minutes of the finale. The episode after “Remembrances” is the Korra-Mako field trip to the Spirit Wilds and Zaheer’s prison and the culmination of Korra’s recovery arc. Where was Asami? She had two lines in the whole episode, and they were both to Varrick.”

the aspersions Bryan cast on the fandom for not accepting what amounted to a last-minute retcon have been functioning (whether intentionally or not) to shield the creators from any criticism for their own fault in the poor execution of their endgame ship, allowing them to take all of the credit for being “subversive” and none of the blame for breaking their existing narrative to do it.

fantastic-nonsense . tumblr . com/post/105933518980

fantastic-nonsense . tumblr . com/post/112100564400                         

fantastic-nonsense . tumblr . com/post/105933518980

it often feels that 

I never liked prince wu and the only reason  some people liked him  was because he bothered mako  if I could change prince wu I would follow what ikkinthekitsune said to have mako happy 

ikkinthekitsune . tumblr . com/post/147464055579/considering-you-understandably-have-some-issues

Biggest change to the initial setup?  No Prince Wu.  Instead of an obnoxious overgrown child of a Prince, our heir apparent is introverted, lacks the confidence to refuse just about anything, and is terrified of being in front of crowds.  He’s the (implied-to-be illegitimate) child of a distant relative of Hou-Ting and a Republic City citizen.  Oh, and he’s all of ten years old.  In other words, everything about him screams “Raiko chose this kid as a convenient puppet” (instead of offhandedly implying it once and forgetting about it as was done with Wu). All of the time Wu wastes on comic relief in After All These Years is used to explain the political situation: the prince is a figurehead meant to display the trappings of royalty and legitimize Raiko’s chosen advisors.  Kuvira’s supporters hate him not just because he’s royalty but also because they think he’s essentially giving the Earth Kingdom away to an imperialistic foreign power.  Mako’s there to protect him both because Raiko ordered him to and because he’s one of the few cops the prince is comfortable around; as such, Mako actually feels bad for the kid and wants to protect him. (This prince is legitimately terrified by the scary adults throwing pies at him and bursts into tears as soon as they’re out of harm’s way.  Mako comforts him and makes him feel a little better.) Korra Alone is close to perfect and stays pretty much as-is, albeit with Korra’s loss in the Earth Rumble ring being far less embarrassing – she gets some hits in, and the end makes it even clearer how distracted she was by Dark Avatar Korra. The Coronation follows up on the political changes.  Instead of being all excited about how awesome he thinks the ceremony is going to be, the prince is afraid – of being on stage (Mako assures him he’ll do fine), of being king (Raiko assures him that his advisers will do all the work), and of Kuvira (Raiko assures him that she’ll step down).  The prince thanks Kuvira and lets her speak the way Wu did in the show, except that it’s sort of implied that he’s looking for an excuse to not have to stay up at the podium for longer than necessary.  Kuvira, of course, uses the opportunity to take over… and specifically points to Raiko’s use of the prince to control the Earth Kingdom as a reason why she’s justified in doing so.  (The prince hides behind Mako when this happens.  =( )  Some of the time saved by not having Wu freak out about the loss of his throne is used to show us the meeting of the world leaders, where they talk about why they think Kuvira is dangerous (she’s very with-me-or-against-me) and what they can do to stop her (not much as long as she limits her ambitions to the Earth Kingdom).

The Republic City part of Reunion is way more tense because Team Avatar are looking for a terrified kidnapped child instead of an aggravating jerk.  (The prince still gets to ask Korra to go into the Avatar State because he wants to see her eyes glow, but it’s actually kind of endearing since he’s a little kid.)

and only people who wouldnt like it is mako haters who demonize him for being a human being who makes mistakes and twists him to be something he isnt  to point where they claim bs things like claiming he called asami a leech when no it was a figure of speech it was avatar equivalent to ripping off a bandaid.

or whining that he was a bit of a jerk at the start or not immediately nice ( when mako is someone who unlike bolin has an icy demeanor and is wary of bringing new people in to circle  but when you are in he will die for you he has been compared to zuko minus angst for a reason  he was a jerk with a heart of gold he isnt going to be immediately friendly with people  like bolin 

 ( I cant help but think of the people who would say zuko should have suffered at the end   )

[claire-willz]

I want you to know the number you did on me. I want you to know how badly you fucked me up. I can lie through my teeth and say how over you i am, and how i'm doing good now and I'm in a better mental state and whatever the fuck. I mean I think i am? I'm not 15 and self harming and shit anymore, I don't do the same shit I did back then. I don't know if I'm in a better mental state, or if I've literally just grown up. You fucking broke me. You broke my spirit, you broke my soul.You were so fucking mean to me, I still, 8 years later have your voice in my head mocking everything I do, including writing this bullshit. You fucking ruined me. My life and who I am would have been so different if I had never met you. I mean fuck, i was so desperate to get over you I started sleeping around with anyone who would give me the time of day, which eventually lead me to be a prositute because i thought 'i do it anyway but for free, why not get paid for it?'. In this whatever post I plan to be as vunerable as i can be, and in that, I feel like I'm worth fuck all because I was a prostitute. Because of you. 8 years later and saying your name feels like I'm spitting fire, my stomach turns and i get this rush of emotions, love, hate, heartbreak, guilt.. 6 years ago, I tried to take my own life. I remember thinking how when it worked you would say 'well she was actually strong enough to do it, never thought she would'. But It didnt so.. 5 years ago, I had the biggest depression breakdown to date which cost me not one but two hospital admissions in the space of 24 hours, and I remeber worrying that you would find out because I wanted you to know I had changed even though we hadn't spoken in 2 and a half years. I was depressed, the pressure that you still put over me to be everything i never was that you wanted collapsed me i suppose. Mix that with me trying to be a better person for you and never feeling like it was enough because you fucking hate me and honestly, i see myself the way you do, or did, been too long now, maybe after 8 years you changed your mind? just in case you came back, just in case. I don't remember the sound of your voice, I barely remember what you look like. I don't remember your likes and dislikes, I don't remember your traits and hobbies, But i remember how you made me feel. And I know, because ive been telling myself for years that i need to forgive you, and I think i have, But if i really had, I wouldn't be writing this, so i don't know. Everything I did to the drugs I smoked, the alochol I drank, the people I considered friends and the men i slept with was all to get over you, and in return... I got cripping anxiety as a result from all of it. My psychologists says that to me, you represented everything i wanted at the time even if it wasn't who you were. You represented the love i wanted from my dad, you represented a happy life, you represented acceptance and approval, stability, just everything I didn't have and never did have that subconsiously I always wanted.. and yes, you did put me into therapy, not soley you, but you did. You're right, I am crazy, and i blame you for it, you made me crazy then got mad when I was. But what i wanna know, is how the FUCK do i fix this mess you made, they say time heals all wounds but i disagree, a shitload of water has run under the bridge, every single cell in my body has changed, but the time hasn't healed the wounds its caused a huge infection, the water running under the bridge has stopped running and turned into a lake, the cells in my body still crave you and still yearn for your smell and the sound of your voice saying 'stress less baby'. If i could still remember, it would ring in my ears, but its hard too when your voice is basically forgotten in my memory. I don't know how to get over you, I've tried literally everything. Hypnotism, medication, drugs, alochol, sex (and alot of it), I've tried dating other guys,I've written you letters and burnt them,Ive talked about you in depth to that many fucking people its embarrasing, yet I'm still here. Saturday night and i'm still missing the absolute shit out of you and I'm still hurt over you, stalking any only tumblr profile that has even the hint of your existence then feeling my stomach turn when i remember how it felt when you did the things you did to me. Its like its october 2012 all over again, it feels the exact fucking same and I don't know why. I hate it, I wish it could stop but I really am convinced that I never will. I won't get over you, the damange you did won't heal. I hate you, I hate you so much it literally lets my skin aflame, but I would do absolutely anything to have you back in my life. I don't think I'll get this happy ever after I've been dreaming of, I don't think I'll find someone and get married. I wish you never existed, because this isnt normal. The feelings and everything i go through daily still isn't normal. And i wish it wasn't like this. 24/7 you're torturing me. And i mean youre happy now, you have a wife and a kid, you moved on so long ago I'd be suprised if you ever remembered me. You won't ever read this, and i hope you don't. Maybe this is just another lame attempt to get over you, it won't work, but helps the pain for a little while. Being completly vunerable and honest in a 'letter' isn't something ive done yet. The rest that i wrote were all bullshit on how i forgive you and how i dont love you anymore and how i am doing so much better than you ever thought possible and blah blah blah. All lies, they feel real at the time and maybe they are, but when its moments like these that are so fucking raw the truth just comes out and i'm here, thinking of you and hating everything thats happened. I see my life and three sections, before you, during you, and after you. Before you life was easy, during you.. life was amazing and intense and extreme, after you is pain and denial. Its embarrasment and sadness. Evens bandaids fall off, even stitches get infected. Open wounds sometimes stay open. And its your fault. Maybe if you did come back life would get easier for me, maybe i wouldn't hear your voice, maybe I would go crazy on you again. I know i did awful things to you, but were they that awful? I did them because i was hurt, but you did worse too, and you never owned up to it, and yet youre still the victim in my eyes, even though you moved on and you don't feel the way i feel. I am the victim here, not you and fuck you for thinking that, fuck me for thinking that, I'm just as bad for viewing you that way, I could probably choose not too, but its so embedded into my subconsious i don't see any other way to view you. Because i hate you like you were the bad guy, and love you like you were the victim. It would have been easier if you died, not gonna lie about that. If you had died, my life would be easier. I don't mean that as 'i wish you were dead', but i mean that if you hadnt of left my by choice, it would probbaly be easier to deal with. I know ive changed as a person, i made alot of mistakes and i grew up and grew from them which is something every single person has done and yet i feel your judgement in the harshest way for every single one of them. I carry the guilt for the things that i did as if i did them to you, the one i cared/care about most. I don't know how well this explains everything within me ranting about shit and whatever, but i tried.

[gingerwritess]

I DONT THINK I HAVE EVER SHIPPED ANYTHING MORE THAN ELLIOT/MORGAN OTHER THAN STUCKY. PLEASE IM BEGGING IM ON MY KNEES SCREAMING FOR A PART 2

here honey here have a part two that’s like a prequel but not but it is mwah

i should try following a timeline huh

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The worst day of Elliot’s life, and he’s barely five years old.

He was blue, Morgan was wearing a sunny yellow dress that didn’t quite reach her knees and billowed around her when she ran.

The blue wasn’t supposed to show up, but he slipped and fell off the ladder to Morgan’s treehouse, scraping up his left knee pretty badly. Morgan ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, yelling for her parents to come help.

That was the first time he thought yellow could be a nice color—yellow means sun, sun is hot, hot isn’t good. But it’s nice and happy on Morgan, it dulls the pain in his knee for a little bit.

She comes dashing back to him dragging her dad behind her. “He’s hurt, you gotta fix him!”

“I’ll need some new batteries for this one,” Mr. Stark smiles, scooping him into his arms and brushing away a stray tear with his thumb, carrying him back to the house. “Miss Morgan, will you run ahead and fetch us an ice pack and a band aid?”

She bolts off ahead of the other two, Elliot still sniffling into Tony’s shirt. He doesn’t seem to mind.

Plopping Elliot on the countertop, Mr. Stark cleans up the scrape with a wet cloth and flicks water at his teary little face, looking for a smile again.

“Y’know, I broke an actual bone one time,” Morgan offers, patting his leg with a comforting little hand. “My baby toe, it snapped off!”

“You stubbed it, sweetheart,” her dad corrects with a small smile, “that doesn’t count as broken.”

But it brings a little laugh to Elliot’s eyes, and he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “So y’only have nine toes?”

“Yup.” She looks down at her bare feet and counts for a moment. “Wait...no, this time there’s eleven.”

The little boy laughs, much to Tony’s relief. He’d rather not have to answer to an overprotective, angry god for hurting his son on his watch—while the two of them have of course reached a mutual understanding, being thrown out another window isn’t exactly something he looks forward to.

“All clean,” he hums, ruffling a hand through Elliot’s curls. “Let’s get some ice on this and we’ll seal the deal with a bandaid, alright?

It’s a fun ice pack, one of those ones shaped like a little cartoon animal—this one’s a turtle, smiling up at him as Tony sets the ice pack on Elliot’s bruised knee.

A few seconds later, Morgan is staring and Tony is desperately trying not to.

Elliot wipes his nose again with a sniffle and catches a glance of his hand as he moves, his heart dropping.

He’s, um...blue.

His skin is all patchy, spots of blue spreading over his arms and legs and he’s sure it’s going to his face, too.

A hollow feeling settles in the pit of his stomach and he taps Tony on the shoulder.

“Mr. Stark?” He whispers, hoping Morgan doesn’t overhear. “Is it—is it on my face?”

Tony gives him a reassuring smile and nods. “It looks awesome,” he tries to assure him, but Elliot drops his head to his hands.

“I wanna go home, Mr. Stark,” he mumbles. “Please, I wanna go home.”

He peeks out from behind blue fingers to find Morgan still staring, mouth open in a surprised little gape, and his eyes start swimming with tears when she won’t look away.

“Please don’t look at me,” he whispers, and Tony quickly wraps him in a hug.

“Don’t worry, Elliot,” Tony chuckles nervously, tiptoeing around the sensitive subject at hand. “We, uh, we love when our friends can do cool things, don’t we, Morgan?”

No answer, and the little bit of hope left in Elliot’s blue heart is gone in a blink.

“Morgan?”

“Y-you’re blue.”

The pointed look Tony tries to shoot at his daughter falls short as Morgan takes a step closer, little index finger extended and—

Poke.

“Morgan,” Tony hisses, holding Elliot tighter when he flinches at her touch. “Don’t do that.”

“Ooo, you’re cold, too!” Morgan’s jaw has dropped, and she pokes him again. “Are you really a snowman?”

“Mr. Stark,” Elliot asks thickly, “please, c-can my dad come pick me up now?”

“Of course, little guy. Friday, get his parents on the phone?”

It’s barely minutes until you’re knocking on their door, piecing together what’s going on when Tony opens the door with your almost completely blue kid hoisted onto one hip, Morgan still stunned and staring behind him.

“We hit a little hiccup,” Tony explains, and Elliot rushes over to you, burying his face in your knees. “He fell off the ladder to the treehouse, bumped a knee, I thought an ice pack might help...my bad.”

“That’s not your fault,” you assure him, running a comforting hand through Elliot’s hair. “Thank you for having him over, Tony, I’m sorry, we should’ve...y’know, warned you.”

“No, don’t worry about it. He’s you and Loki’s kid, I expected a hell of a lot worse.” He winks and squats down, rubbing a hand over Elliot’s back. “When that knee gets better, kid, you’ll have to come back over, I—”

“HEY!!”

Morgan’s broken out of her daze, gaze landing on you and raising an arm to point at you with wide eyes.

“Did you know he turns blue??”

“I did, actually,” you chuckle, but Elliot just hugs your legs tighter. “Pretty cool, right?”

Morgan gapes, that finger frozen in midair. “Do you turn blue, too?”

“Nope.” You smile over at her, waving away Tony’s wince. “He gets it from his dad!”

“Daddy,” she gasps, “lookit, his eyes’re red now, too—”

“That’s enough, Morgan.”

Tony scoops her into his arms. “We’ll see you next time, Elliot, alright?”

Judging from the tears starting to soak through your pants, he won’t be answering any time soon.

Mouthing I’m so sorry one more time to you, Tony gives you a last apologetic smile and closes the door, just as Morgan starts blabbering again.

“That was freaky, dad, he got real cold and blue, and his eyes—”

“C’mon, kiddo.” You bend down to lift Elliot into your arms with a wheeze—“you’re getting pretty big for this, hm? Growing up so fast. Lets get you home.”

“Mommy?”

Buckling him into his car seat, you pause and press a kiss to his little blue forehead. “What’s up, sweetie?”

“Are you scared of me?”

Your jaw drops with a shocked little huff and you buckle the last strap, patting his knee and looking him straight in the deep, blood-red eye.

“I absolutely am not.”

“But I’m a monster,” he whispers, eyes glistening. “Like dad, right?”

“Wrong,” you nearly choke, a lump forming in your throat. “No, Elliot, no, no, no, you and dad aren’t monsters, where’d you get that idea?”

“But we’re blue, a-and our eyes turn red—”

“Listen to me, Elliot.” Brushing some curls off his forehead, your voice turns stern. “Just because you’re a different...different colour than other people, doesn’t make you any less than them, do you hear me?”

The little boy wipes his nose and nods.

“And it would never make you a monster,” you assure him. “You are beautiful, Elliot. Inside and out. And you know what?”

“What?”

You tap a finger against his blue chest with a small smile.

“This heart right here? It’s yours and no one else’s. And I don’t care what body is carrying it, I’m going to love you because of the pure, beautiful heart you have inside.”

The corner of Elliot’s mouth twitches, almost a tiny smile.

“Does that make sense?” You laugh quietly, giving his seatbelt a tug. “It means that I love you, Elliot, no matter what colour you are or how cold you might get. I’m still gonna hug you.”

He giggles then, teary and hesitant, but right away opens his arms to wrap around your neck when you hug him tight.

“Makes sense,” he whispers, sniffling into your shoulder amidst giggles. “I love you, mommy.”

“I love you, too, kiddo.”

Hugging is difficult when you’re working around a car seat, but you stay there in Elliot’s arms until he sniffs and loosens his grip.

“Monster,” you scoff with a laugh, rubbing your eyes and giving Elliot one last kiss on the cheek. “Who made you think that, sweetie? I’d like to have a word with them.”

You wink and smack your fist into the palm of your other hand, bringing another adorable little laugh from your son.

“Don’t beat him up,” he giggles, shaking his hair out of his face—he needs a haircut, these curls are getting out of control. “I heard it from daddy, so you can’t beat him up!”

“Wha—excuse me??”

“Dad thinks it sometimes,” Elliot explains. “I hear it in his head! He’s really loud in his head, y’know? S’weird, he’s quiet outside, but inside he’s super loud—”

“Dad said that?” Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach.

“He never said it...just in his head. I dunno, I just hear him sometimes when he’s too loud.”

“O-okay.” Taking a shaky breath, you give your kid a half-hearted smile and go get behind the wheel. “Well, um, sometimes...sometimes dad thinks the wrong thing.”

“But dad’s always right,” Elliot grins.

“Not always...” you anxiously chew your lip as you drive, mind racing. Your son having these kinds of thoughts is one thing, but if he’s hearing it from his father?

You thought Loki was getting better with that whole “monster” image of himself.

“I’ll talk to him,” you promise your kid with a sure smile. “But dad’s wrong. You’re not a monster, and neither is he. That’s the bad parts of dad’s brain talking. Don’t listen to those bad parts, you understand?”

Elliot nods, gaze drifting to the trees zipping by. “I don’t think dad’s a monster,” he says simply, more to himself than anything, it seems. “I love him.”

You try, but just can’t stop the lone tear that slips down your cheek. “So do I,” you hoarsely reply. “I love him, too.”

Years.

It’s been years, and that’s still not enough?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

hope you enjoyed, please reblog and feel free to send me ideas!

loki tags: @bluediamond007 @himitoshi @drakesfiance @destiel1597 @dangertoozmanykids101 @archy3001 @jcalpha1 @yzssie @skullvieplu @forthesnakeofdragons @skulliebythesea @wegingerangelica @storiesfrommirkwood @agarwaeneth @adaliamalfoy @laurfangirl424 @paradisaicsam @fitzsimmons-is-forever @ladylokimischief @katelinwrites @tarynkauai @polaristrange @loavesofmeat @canadian-ravenpuff-multishipper @lou-makes-me-strong @holyn0vak @chocolatealmondmillk @swtnrholland @kenzieam @jessiejunebug  @catticas @the-republic-and-face-of-texas @doralupin01 @whitewitchdown @atomiccharmer @falconfeather23435 @babygirlicecream @avengrcs @vethrvolnir2 @bookgirlunicorn @wabisabigrl @myhealingstar @khaleesi-marvel @ei77777 @spacecrumbs @scarlettghost13 @rocks-are-pretty-odd @confessionsofastrugglingteen @easilydistractedwriter @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @fluffyllamaswearinghats @milktearose @lcyouinhell @h0tshotholland @dontmesswithmemundane @southsidesarcasticwriter @helnik-s @lilith-akemi @fire-in-her-veinz @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mischievousbellerina @kcd15 @mellowgirl01 @lokislilcaribbeanprincess @allthingzhiddleston @scorpionchild81 @lokixme @blue-automne @galaxycharmed @devilbat @kangaroobunny @end-up-well @planetariumx @sarcsep @mrfandomtastic @amaru163 @im-way-too-many-fandoms @caswinchester2000 @kybaeza @wester-than-west @vintagesunshinebitch @adefectivedetective @poetic-nikolai @moonduhsted @kerri-masson @iamverity @innaminitus @spnbarnes @narcissxblack @woohoney @anxiousamandapanda @padmeisgay @authordreaming13 @lokisironthrone @theunknowinglys @highfuncti0ningfangirl @epicfallenismine @stubby-toe-589331 @fandomnerdsarecool @retrofantasyland

[p-artsypants]

Rage Awakened (3)

@chachacharlieco @violetstar-writes (If anyone else wants to be tagged in updates, please let me know!)

Ten years ago, Terra, Aqua, and Ventus lost their fellow apprentice, Sora, in Deep Jungle. Now, they are to return with two new students, Riku and Kairi, to lock the heart of the world. All the while, something watches from the trees. Feral!Sora AU

Ao3 | FF.net

That night, Kairi laid awake, thinking. She couldn’t get the strange boy out of her head. If he really was Sora, what were they going to do? Take him back with them?

But ten years alone in the jungle would change a person. Did he even know how to speak? Could he still summon his keyblade?

Would they just have to leave him behind? That didn’t seem fair. Even if he wasn’t Sora, being all alone in the Jungle just didn’t seem right.

When he looked at her, his expression held a lot of emotion. Fear, curiosity, and lot of wonder. How frightening it must have been to see another creature like him, and yet so different.

From her sleeping bag, she looked over at her teammates. Everyone was asleep and all was calm. The fire was still going, though only bright enough to cast a soft light on the immediate area. Crickets and strange animals hooted outside the treehouse, where the moon shone blue light through the windows.

Kairi loved nights like this. It was so different from her days in Radiant Garden, where even the nights had noise of the city, of clanking and whirling machines. In the Land of Departure, the nights were nearly silent from her window high in the castle. This though, this was just perfect. She had been to so many worlds in the last year, traveling with her teammates. Nights like these, where the darkness retreated at the light of the moon, and life persisted.

It was relaxing and comforting. Though the Jungle held many mysteries and dangers, this was a haven.

Suddenly, she heard the sound of feet hitting the floor, though very gently. She glanced to the other end of the treehouse and saw a silhouetted figure, crouched and crawling towards them.

Kairi didn’t move, though she prepared in case he meant harm. Eraqus once said she had a problem with naïveté, and that she often trusted people too quickly. Still, she felt like this stranger meant no harm, for if he was the same boy she had seen earlier, he easily could have left her to die out on the field.

The boy slowly tracked through their camp, his steps imperceivable over the sound of the crackling fire and Terra’s snores. He curiously dug into the first pack he found, which belonged to Ventus. He pulled out a shirt, feeling the fabric and turning it over to examine it. When it failed to interest him, he shoved it back into the bag.

Then he slowly and hesitantly leaned over Ventus himself, studying his face. Then he moved onto the next person.

He peaked in everyone’s luggage, pulling out interesting items to sniff or taste. Though he didn’t actually take anything. Then he sniffed each of her teammates, touching their hair and any armor that was nearby.

It felt like she had been watching him for an hour before he finally made his way over to her. She closed her eyes, pretending to sleep.

She heard him shuffling through her clothes, then heard him sniffling near her ear. She stayed extremely still, keeping her breathing even, as his face drew closer to hers.

It seemed his evaluation of her would be different from the others, since she felt the softest skin against her lips.

Her eyes fluttered open in shock.

Those blue blue eyes stared right back at her, with all the wonder in the world.

She didn’t scream this time, just stared back at him.

Had he just...kissed her?

His eyes widened slightly as a smile took over his lips. He seemed thrilled that he had awakened her.  

Carefully, since he was only inches away from her face, Kairi sat up. He remained close, but followed her movements.

He flicked his eyes over her body briefly, now that she was in pajamas, but continually met her eyes. Likewise, Kairi looked over him, now that he was close and not about to leave.

He had a large leaf on his arm, held in place by mud. It looked like a primitive bandaid. She frowned, and threw off her blankets.

The boy didn’t like the action, and whimpered, thinking she was leaving.

Instead she stood and quietly walked over to their first aid kit. She opted for a potion, so as not to startle him by summoning her keyblade. Then she took her canteen and a rag.

All the while, he watched, curious as to what she could be doing.

Finally, she smiled at him and beckoned him to follow her outside.

He did so eagerly, ever interested in her world.

Outside the treehouse, on the balcony, Kairi knelt and wetted the rag with the canteen.

The stranger was quick to crouch in front of her, immediately in her personal space.

She reached out, her hand hovering over his arm.

He tilted his head, looking at her expression, and then where her hand was. Then he leaned that arm towards her.

Carefully, Kairi peeled off the leaf and began to wipe off the mud. A potion would heal up the wound just fine, but it would have to be clean first.

The boy hissed suddenly and ripped his arm away.

She dropped the rag and held out her hands in a calming way.

Seeing she meant no harm, he slowly reached his arm back out, letting her finish.

Once clean, she offered him the potion.

Instead of taking it, however, he reached his hand out and touched her face ever so gently, then leaned in, unaware of how uncomfortable he was making her.

She couldn’t help but laugh a little, mostly out of nervousness. “Haven’t you looked at me enough already?”

His eyes widened at the sound of her voice, and he gave a silent laugh, like a dog panting, and danced on his toes.

Again, she offered the potion.

He sniffed it, and then gave it a withering glance.

“You drink it,” She pantomimed drinking, and encouraged him to do the same.

So he did, but screwed his face up after at the bitter taste. But then he blinked, feeling the pain in his arm gone. Glancing down, his wound was completely healed, and there wasn’t even a scar. He did his little dance again.

“See? All better!”

He showed his appreciation by swooping in and nuzzling his nose with hers.

She crinkled up her face in response, not expecting the action.

Then he backed off a few inches, his eyes bright, and pleasant grunts coming from his throat.

“Uh, you’re welcome?” Kairi laughed.

He tilted his head to the side. “Wel...come?”

“You can speak!” She clapped her hands in joy.

He mimicked the action. “Speak!”

“Ah, but not very well, I guess.” Still, she touched her chest, right above her heart. “My name is Kairi.”

He glanced at her hand, then her face, and mimicked the action, hand on his chest “Kai...ri?”

“Close.” She took his hand and placed it on her chest, “Kairi.”

Realization hit him. “Kairi!” He patted her heart. “Kairi!”

“Good! Now...” she placed her hand on his chest, right over the ‘X’ scar. “What’s your name?”

He looked at her hand, frowned, and without another word, leapt over the railing and into the darkness of night.

Kairi was left alone, only able to wonder. She touched the tip of her nose, then her lips, and blushed.

—

The next morning, over breakfast, the group talked over their plan for the day. They decided they would split up again, same groups, and travel East and West this time.

Kairi was barely paying attention. After the boy left, she finally was able to fall asleep, even though he had only given her more questions than answers.

“Kai?” Riku asked, noticing how quiet she had been.

“What world’s did Sora like?” She said suddenly.

Terra and Aqua stopped eating and pondered the question.

“Why do you ask?”

“I just...wondered. Maybe there’s a way to find out if it’s really him by bringing back some old memories.”

Aqua considered, “Gosh, I don’t know if there was a world he didn’t like! He was so friendly to everyone...almost to a fault.”

“You know the most important rule of keyblade wielders?” Terra asked.

“We mustn’t meddle in the affairs of other worlds.” Quoted Ventus, like a good noodle.

“Well, he loved to meddle. He always found a way to get in people’s business. Usually, we helped solve problems, but mostly Sora just stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.”

Aqua pondered, “But a favorite world, specifically? Well, he liked The Caribbean. He loved being a pirate and the big ships.”

“He also liked Neverland and flying.”

“And oh! He liked Halloweentown!”

“For Santa?” Asked Riku, like it was the obvious thing in the world.

“Of course for Santa.”

“Aqua, do you remember what world he talked about for weeks after we came back?”

“Um...gosh, we went to a lot of worlds back then. Which one ware you thinking of?”

“Enchanted Dominion.”

“Oh yeah!”

The other three just looked in question. “Where?”

Aqua sighed sadly. “It’s one of the early worlds that fell into darkness. Princess Aurora and Maleficent’s world.”

Riku groaned loudly.

“What’s crawled up your butt, Riku?” Asked Terra at the reaction.

“I hate that bitch so much.” He shook his head. “Sorry for the language but…she’s just the worst.”

“I thought Princess Aurora was nice.” Said Ventus, innocently. Since her world had fallen into the darkness, she had been living in Radiant Garden, along with two other Princesses, Snow White and Cinderella.

“Not Aurora! Maleficent! Geez…”

“She was the one who made you succumb to the darkness, isn’t she?” Kairi asked.

He rolled his eyes, “yeah. Anyways, that’s in the past now. What did you guys do in Enchanted Dominion?”  

“You guys know about Aurora’s curse, right?”

“Let’s say I don’t…” Ventus cringed.

“When she was an infant, Maleficent cursed her to die at the age of sixteen, after she would prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. Only because of the good fairies did the curse change from death to sleep. And with true loves kiss, the spell would be broken.”

“Well, it must not have come true then, given we saw Aurora a few weeks ago.”

“Oh, it did come true. When we arrived in the world, the curse had already come to fruition. Aurora was asleep in the tallest tower, and the fairies had put the whole kingdom to sleep as well, so no one would worry.”

“That had to be weird to walk into,” Said Riku.

“Extremely.” Deadpanned Terra.

“We wandered around for awhile until we found the tower that Aurora was sleeping in...well, Sora found it. He tried waking her up by tapping her shoulder and going, ‘excuse me ma’am.’ Then the good fairies found us and explained the curse, and that Aurora’s true love, Prince Phillip, was being held prisoner in Maleficent’s Castle.”

Terra laughed, “when Fauna explained that Aurora needed a kiss to wake up, Sora said ‘well, I’ll kiss her!’ He just didn’t understand why it had to be this one guy specifically. It was hard to explain without using the analogy of a key to a lock…considering he’s been able to unlock any door he’s wanted with the same key his whole life.”

“So what did you do?”

“Well, the fairies asked us for our help, since they didn’t want to worry the kingdom, and they led us to the Forbidden Mountain. Sora at least stayed behind at the gate, but he insisted on being part of the adventure. So Terra and I snuck into the fortress and freed Prince Phillip, but we had to fight our way out. And just as we were about to reach King Stefan’s Castle, Maleficent appeared.”

“And she was pissed.”

“I know how that is...” Riku said under his breath.

“The fairies had given Phillip a sword and shield, so he wasn’t completely defenseless...but it wasn’t much help. She turned into this huge dragon!”

“Oh wow, she can do that?” Ventus asked, horrified.

“She’s a witch with the powers of darkness. There’s no telling what all she can do.”

“So you fought her as a dragon?”

“Yeah, and she put up one hell of a fight. And Sora fought valiantly, well, for a...I think he was five at the time?”

“You let him fight?!” Kairi shouted, aghast.

“We always did. How else was he supposed to learn?”

“I don’t know! Somehow less dangerously!?”

“So, what happened?” Asked Riku. “Maleficent is still prowling around, but Aurora is awake. Homeless, but awake.”

“Well, Phillip dealt the finishing blow.” Aqua said.

Terra quoted, “‘Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure. Let evil die, and good endure!’ At least that’s what the spell was supposed to do.”

“But we were all surprised to hear she was back. She’s like a weed that won’t stop growing. We led Phillip up the tower to Aurora, and he kissed her. She woke up, and so did the rest of the kingdom. And they all lived happily ever after…until the darkness came.”

Kairi hugged her legs to her chest, totally invested in the story of young Sora. “So, when you guys came back, he talked about it a lot?”

“Mostly the dragon,” Terra explained. “In our downtime, we would play this game…” He trailed off, and then sighed, remembering.

Aqua laughed. “Oh my god! I remember! We would play this game where…” she caught her breath, “where one of us was the ‘dragon’, one was the ‘Prince’ and then the other was the ‘Princess’. It was basically reenacting what had happened in Enchanted Dominion.”

“Honestly, I loved being the Princess,” Terra said, unabashed. “I actually just slept.”

“The catch was that the ‘Prince’ had to wake up the ‘Princess’ with a kiss. Usually on the cheek or forehead.”

Terra sighed, “yeah, but there was one time where Sora was the ‘Dragon’ and I was the ‘Prince’ and he insisted I kiss Aqua on the lips.”

“Did you?”

The treehouse was quiet as he said quietly. “…yeah.”

Riku and Ventus laughed loudly at his blushing face.

“I know it must hurt,” Kairi said, once things calmed down. “Talking about him again, but it’s really nice to hear about him.”

Aqua smiled, forlorn. “Yeah…full disclosure, if this wild stranger ends up being him, I am going to cry.”

“I had forgotten a lot of this until we started talking about it.” Terra admitted. “It was just…easier not to think about it. I still remember him declaring, quite proudly, that one day he was going to find a Princess like Aurora, one that would wake up with his kiss. I told him it was inappropriate to kiss girls while they were sleeping and he retorted,” he made his voice high pitched and whiny, “but all the other Princes are doing it!”

Something about that statement made Kairi’s heart ache.

“That was over ten years ago, but it doesn’t feel like it.” Aqua said, raising to her feet. “Well, we have a jungle to search, and two things to find now.”

[kh3finalmix]

ok im not really sure what im actually writing but its just. im not sure if i can do this anymore. i only have one semester left but i fucking hate school. i might not even graduate next semester because theres .25 credits i need to graduate and i couldnt get into the classes i needed because i fucking missed my signup time and now all the professors are saying they cant let me in even though i need it to graduate. i already feel like enough of a disappointment with everything happening but i couldnt stand to not graduate on time and i dont know if i can stand another semester here

im scared to tell someone how depressed ive been because i dont want to deal with more medical bills of any type. i already owe the hospital a bunch of money and i went to the doctor’s to try and fix it and she said there was absolutely nothing they could do to help me. which i know. i know its my fault so i guess i learned a lesson and i’ll be paying it off for the next few years

its just like what do i tell people. i already am doing and incomplete for one of my classes. how do i tell people that i literally dont want to do anything anymore, i dont want to exist anymore, or how much i keep hurting myself to the point where ive had to get more bandaids just to cover them. i keep getting sick or hurt too, first it was my knee, and then i was dizzy for a week, and now the cold. every single time i try to get it together i just get sick and it sets me back like a week

and i know i can do the work. i know i can. if i just sit and do it i can do the work. but instead whenever i sit down to do the work i just start crying because i have so much to do and whenever im not trying to do homework i also start crying because i should be working and either way nothing gets done.

like come on andi you have 2 weeks left of the semester. im gonna get through it but im just so tired

[realmzenith]

elaina ! :)

lays down, mai ily. anyways?? someone pls save elaina she Needs help

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?fairly long?? but not super long it’d make her anxious. maybe twenty minutes. it’d be a different story if it was a life or death thing tho obv

How easy is it for your character to laugh?difficult. from one to ten w one being v easily she’s like a 7. but for full uninhibited laughter it’s a solid 9. she mostly smiles and when she does laugh it’s at the dumbest things

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)she’ll lurk on instagram or think which are honestly both bad ideas for her bc instagram makes her depressed bc her social life sux and thinking makes her depressed bc she’s pessimistic and tends to overthink EVERYTHINg. however sometimes she’ll be smart abt it and read a book or look at plant pics or space which will more often than not successfully allow her to relax and get some shut eye

How easy is it to earn their trust?HM not too difficult prbly a 3 if ur nice to her and ur not a complete idiot- ok well. just if ur nice to her bc she literally falls in love w josie an idiot in her storyline

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?moderately difficult she has a hard time accepting that the ppl she trusts are capable of wronging her and usually assumes it was smth she did. she’s kind of an idiot like that so yk :) she’s prbly a 6 on that one? if we’re also accounting for the ppl she moderately trusts. however if we’re only talking abt the ppl she genuinely completely trusts it’s like an 8. she’s not COMPLETELy stupid but still p stupid abt relationships

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?rules should be followed. she accepts them as a given and that they will be followed as a given. it’ll srsly throw off her game if someone starts blatantly disobeying the law in front of her even if it is just a nominal thing

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?she’s not a v emotional person? she does feel deeply but hmm i suppose she is fairly nostalgic. certain melodies played on the guitar would prbly be one of the bigger triggers. her mom used to play and she and her dad would sing like dorks but they?? kind of dont do it anymore and she misses it but she isn’t sure how to ask to do it again. it’s the same w disney movies. they don’t watch them as a fam as much as they used to anymore but they still do on occasion! as for enjoying it she doesn’t rlly like nostalgia?? but she lets herself fall into it frequently

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?she was constantly told to talk to the other kids. she’s never been v social or good w ppl as she prefers her small group of ppl she knows and is comfortable w plus she’s an only child so she’s always been forced to socialize esp in casual settings

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?not super frequently. she does say damn bc that’s just the classic xstj swear word, her first she remembers v distinctly. it was “bitch” and completely her older cousin’s fault

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?she lowkey feels like her entire life is a lie? she’s a smart gal and gets good grades easily. she’s close to the top of her class and is considered one of the smart kids. but she herself is convinced she’s painfully mediocre and despite her other talents and unique personality traits she’s like :) im sorry for lying to u all i actually have zero interesting qualities and am a drag but ofc she never voices that bc lbr insecurity? ugly and she doesn’t want to lose the few friends she does have bc she dumped her fears on everyone else. she is, as i said, a Mess

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?she almost always pretends she understands but if she doesn’t feel like there’ll be negative consequences to asking for clarification and she’s feeling confident she’ll bluntly ask the other person to clear things up for her esp in a business type setting such as school projects, etc. it’s situational but socially speaking? she’ll pretend until she Dies

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?ask nico to get it or just struggle for ages to try to get it herself

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?she likes green and black but thinks she looks p drab in most things. in all actuality she prbly does look sharpest in black but yellow makes her look super cute, brings out a softer side of her. dark green is also flattering on her

What animal do they fear most?hm prbly eels esp electric eels. they freak her out for no particular reason. otherwise, she likes most animals and doesn’t mind most bugs

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?she does usually think before she speaks. on the extreme she’ll turn over a phrase abt ten times in her mind before even considering speaking it aloud but that’s rare and only in high stress situations. despite the fact that she does think before she speaks she’s very blunt abt most things. lay it out like it is and all. embellishing sentences or softening her statements is smth she rarely does as she finds it inefficient 

What makes their stomach turn?reckless behavior she HATES when ppl do stupid risky crap in front of her she finds it very unnecessary and anxiety inducing

Are they easily embarrassed?oh yes absolutely

What embarrasses them?everything. anything. her existence. ppl flirting w her. her parents. being teased. being incompetent. being singled out for anything. lots of things :)

What is their favorite number?she likes the number 60. no reason in particular it’s just a nice number. cue her friend, nico in the back yelling SIXTY???? MORE LIKE SEXY

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?oh oof dont talk to her about love it throws her for an existential crisis. hm but if srsly asked this she’d prbly say smth like “familial love is smth we’re rarely allowed to choose. platonic is more logical and circumstantial, and romantic is a combination of the two in the sense that it’s ur heart’s choice to begin and ur mind’s to continue.”

Why do they get up in the morning? society dictates that in order for an individual to contribute meaningfully to the world, you must get up by 7 am and do whatever lot’s been handed to you. thus she, as a good functioning member of society, gets up in the mornings and drives to school day in and day out as fate has dictated her duty to be

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? erratic. she’ll act strangely and become more distant. if it continues for long enough she’ll eventually snap at whoever’s nearest and asking what’s up w her

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? it makes her sad tbh sldkfjlkj she’s like welp.. this is the lot i’ve been given if i don’t accept it that’s my problem. then she keeps her head up and carries on

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? she prefers not to talk abt sex. she’d be v confused if someone brought up the topic of sex casually tho she isn’t SUPER squeamish abt discussing it it’s just?? unprofessional so why would u? ofc w her s/o she would be more than willing to discuss it in order to smooth out questions or misunderstandings before yk. actually. doing the sex

What are their thoughts on marriage? marriage to her is one of the pillars of society, and while she respects people who don’t want to get married, for herself she views it a checkbox on her list of things she needs to do before she dies. it’s?? like she sort of has a timeline and marriage is on the list of things that need to happen sometime in her twenties. she believes marriage should be a mutually beneficial union based on love and respect and believes that along w family units it’s a wonderful invention. however, despite all of this she kind of doubts she’ll ever get married bc she’s like who would date me lbr here :) and while simultaneously seeking after marriage she’s resigned herself to becoming an eventual crazy old cat lady

What is their preferred mode of transportation? she prefers bullet trains. efficient, usually comfortable, she doesn’t have to drive- what more could you want? she’s also fond of walking if a place is close by. helps her chill

What causes them to feel dread? the feeling that a relationship is falling apart and the divide between herself and the other person is growing. the little things like not waiting for the other person after class or “forgetting” to mention another thing about their day- the small things that point to a relationship breaking down. if there’s one thing she hates more than unnecessary conflict and having to just end things then and there it’s watching things slowly fall apart. that is extremely dread inducing in her opinion

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? if u asked her? she’d say she prefers the truth. in reality? she prefers the lie. she internalizes things and oftentimes “unpleasant truths” can weigh her down for ages. frequently enough to note, she’ll allow herself to continue in ignorance rather than accept the reality of the truth which she’ll sort of know she’s doing but just push to the back of her mind in order to avoid the panic that comes with actually confronting the problem. ignorance is bliss and all. nevertheless, in the long run and in hindsight, she prefers the truth as ripping off the bandaid proves easier than pulling out misplaced stitches one by one

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? she doesn’t come close. she has very lofty ideals to which she holds both herself and others around her. she wants to be someone who’s looked up to as strong. she values efficiency, honesty, reliability and genuinely good motives as well as charisma, passion and confidence. she’s doing alright with the first few but the last three are debatable. she’s passionate about v select things and her confidence levels looks like a heartrate monitor

Who do they most regret meeting? herself. she regrets gaining sentience

Who are they the most glad to have met? josie ;) but nico and ale are close seconds

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? nope what’s a Conversation? what’s a Joke? she doesnt know them :)

Could they be considered lazy? that’s a no. she works extremely hard and nearly always carries through. it’s partially her nature and partially a way for her to “make up” for her perceived lack of talents

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? extremely difficult but w time she eventually can esp when given the right type of support

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? that’s. a hard one. she IS technically supportive but that’s only when she recognizes how much the thing means to the other person and she’s honestly rlly bad at reading these kinds of situations, so it’s rare that she actually does. she’ll kinda be like wtf but if she doesn’t recognize the other person is genuinely excited and invested in the thing she’ll do her best to give her own brand of awkward support 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?she’ll pursue a romantic interest if enough proof that it’s plausible is given but it’s rare that she gets enough “proof” for this to happen. generally speaking, she kind of pushes her desire for romance down. she’ll worry abt it later or at least until josie shows up eyes emoji

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? not rlly? she’ll just go thru things multiple times she’s not the most innovative person when it comes to things like this. route memorization is her go to 

What memory do they revisit the most often?;) depends on where in the storyline we’re talking but post story defo the time when she and josie went hiking w some of their other friends and when they reached the summit of the mountain the clouds were beneath the peak n completely coating the sky. it looked like a carpet of clouds, like another world and they shared a bit of a Moment. the little things are what elaina rlly cherishes

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?difficult she’s a bit of a critical person. she’s also not the most tactful when it comes to emotional intelligence related situations so ppl will likely find out she does see those flaws in them if they stick around long enough

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?not SO much but she does take things to heart. she’s sort of?? accepted her perceived mediocrity and general dullness but she’s in no way ceasing to attempt to change other things abt herself. so she’ll seemingly take criticisms in stride but they’ll stick w her when she’s Overthinking

How do they feel about children? kids are? good? she likes kids. as for having them, she’s considered it some and she thinks she might like to. at the same time, she also thinks she’d make a terrible parent- too harsh, bad w comfort, easily stressed. in all reality, she’d be better than most ppl as one esp after gaining a bit of confidence

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? rn the goal is graduating and she wants that fairly badly but she doesn’t particularly doubt her ability to achieve it. after that, it’s getting a good job which she also doesn’t overtly doubt as a certainty so yes she does want it but it’s not?? SUPEr concerning except when she begins to doubt her abilities and if she’ll ever feel like her life is fulfilling 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? she’s lesbian. she’d say it means she’s attracted to women 

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?baby. she’s gonna find loveB) What inspired you to create them?love, simon! i wanted to write a cute lesbian high school romance so thus josie and elaina were bornC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?nope!D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?nope again! she used to be full korean but now she’s half korean and half scandinavian! i think she used to be taller too she’s 5′5″ nowE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?there are some aspects of each other that would get on the other’s nerves. like i dont think she’d appreciate the wonky outbursts i sometimes have and i’d get annoyed by her lack of social tact/annoyance at the world even tho i lowkey share those traits but otherwise i think we’d get along p well! i think i’d find her cute and i think she’d like my perceived confidence. we share a similar rationality as wellF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?empathy she’s a big mood tbh and also i want her to be happy G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?her lack of emotional intelligence. while i like blunt and logic oriented ppl it’d get slightly frustrating after a while to be around someone who’s a lil oblivious to social/emotional cues even if that’s a moodH) What trait do you admire most?her humble diligence. i have to complain twice as much as her to get half the things she gets done doneI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?i think she’d ALSO do great in a sci fi universe. ha maybe i need to give these kids a sci fi au verseJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly no!