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oh so when gandalf the grey wizard of yore sets off fireworks hes 'a wonderful old fellow' and 'a dedicated protector of the small pockets of joy and love and hope that still yet reside in a crumbling and-maybe world' but when i, grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy, do it, im 'committing malfeasance' and 'endangering everyone in this supermarket'--

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first day at the [BLANK] factory sure hope [x] thing doesn't happen to me

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the compression socks stay ON during sex

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me: okay im gonna lock in for real now

the david attenborough impersonator that i hired to narrate my every action: despite saying this, they would not 'lock in'. instead, they will continue scrolling through tumblr for another forty five minutes.

me: can't you say that i'm doing something cool for once

the david attenborough impersonator that i hired to narrate my every action: caught out in their procrastination and left with nowhere else to go, our subject reaches for their last line of defence: doing a bit on the internet.

me: cmon man

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me at the sleepover: ok i'm going to go to sleep now

❗NEW QUEST AVAILABLE: spend another three hours talking to your friends

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grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy would like to remind you that anything can be a pair of boots if you try hard enough. check back in next week for more inspiring messages like this from grand wizard smeeplebarb the girthy

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what if instead of cornflakes they were called pornflakes and instead of stopping you from masturbating they made you jack off SO HARD

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haters will see you

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why is it always Why are you putting superglue on that open wound of your finger do you have any idea how toxic that stuff is and not Was gluing your finger shut fun Did you have fun

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diversity win! this dumb gay ginger also has an astigmatism

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you ever done a shit so diabolical you have to take off all your clothes and sit there goose-pimpled and naked as the day before you were born as some terrible divinity calls down a righteous fury of fiery rain upon you for all of your mortal sins . that just happened to me

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tryna figure out what makes us intrinsically human since it isn't love, fear, empathy, intelligence, capacity for learning etc, and have come to the conclusion that actually maybe there is nothing special about us and that is ok. and really it is that or 9/11 jokes so .

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grand wizard smeeblebarb the girthy has been arrested for evading his taxes for the last 300 years and the much more serious crime of not wearing any fucking underwear to grand wizard council meetings for the last 200 years, more at 10

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tbh the community i have no beef with but find the strangest is the 'bloody nails' beauty aesthetic??? like you do you but also the cognitive dissonance i felt seeing beauty products devoted to recreating the effect of my mental illness is NOT to be underestimated. for just forty all american dollars you too can look like a stressed out teenager with ocd picking compulsions who forgot to buy bandaids again

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there are several beautiful women in my phone named toll fee overdue pay now to avoid a fine trying to contact me. is this love

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thought a little too hard about wild geese by mary oliver 4 dead 17 injured

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wrote this for an assignment but i think it is. maybe relevant beyond that