#so I have an appointment with *that* one in 2 weeks

[res-on8]

I've had episodic hemiplegic migraines since I was 11 years old. I'd usually get them 1 to 3 times a year, and I kinda just assumed that's my migraine. That kind of migraine is very dramatic and noticeable, so it felt like that had to be the only way I got a migraine.

In the last year and a half or so, I've had a vague awareness that I get headaches petty often. I never kept a close eye on it, I either took pills or I deemed them not bad enough to do so (or, honestly, I stopped registering the mild ones). I've also had various other weird things pop up lately (like dry mouth and jaw soreness), and some things I've sorta had before get more frequent ot worse (like neck stiffness/aching and "icky stomach" where I wasn't nauseous but food sounded bad even if i hadnt eaten much that day).

A couple weeks back, I started noticing a weird sensation of being unsteady and wobbly when I walked, but it was on and off. I didn't know what to think at first, but I got a blood draw for blood sugar levels, metabolic stuff, and thyroid bc of family history. All came back normal.

I started putting pieces together and realized that this might just be chronic migraines. I've started a spreadsheet to keep track of various symptoms that I've noticed but never thought much about. Randomly not being able to stop yawning even if I'm not tired, irritability, visual and/or audio overwhelm/sensitivity, dry mouth, icky stomach, brain fog/forgetting words, can't speak clearly (slightly slurring my words). Even in just a week and half, I have finally noticed how frequent this is and how these often all happen around the same time.

Additionally, I keep a log of how I felt each day and other things I did, and I've been doing it very consistently just before bed for YEARS with Daylio. I've had "headache" on the app for nearly 2 years as an option I will select. Looking back on the data in the last 1.5 years, I have a headache about 1/3 of the days of the year. And I would guess that's an underestimate bc of silent migraines or the pain "not being enough to count" since it doesn't last long or isn't that bad even though it happened. I wouldn't doubt that I forget or completely overlook some instances bc they're so common or not painful enough.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

But it took until being "wobbly" when I walked to seriously consider this wide array of symptoms being from one source. I was a software trainer for nearly 4 years, and I thought my inability to remember words was a failing on MY part and I was just bad at being a trainer lately.

I learned my lesson the hard way. I have an appointment with my PCP in a week with the intention of stating my suspicion of chronic migraines and asking for a neurology referral. But because of reading this post, I am going to declare this is chronic migraines AND that I would like to try preventative medicine ASAP and a neurology referral as well.

I'm not gonna let myself suffer more than I already have, and I am going to be assertive about this. I'm lucky my PCP is very good and listens to me, but I still cannot leave room for more suffering physically and blaming myself for shortcomings that migraines are almost definitely the cause of.

here's your regular reminder that if you consistently, regularly get headaches, you are almost certainly having migraines, not regular headaches.

MOST recurrent headaches are migraine headaches.

"migraine" does not mean "extremely painful headache." it is a type and source of pain, not a degree of pain. migraines can also include some or all of the following: fatigue, sensitivity to light and sound, visual auras, nausea or vomiting, dizziness, cognitive impairment, etc. these symptoms can be mild or severe and it may actually be difficult to determine if you have them. (who wants a bright light in their eyes during a headache?? i thought that's just how headaches were lmao.)

this is important because while aspirin, NSAIDs like ibuprofren, and other over-the-counter pain meds can effectively alleviate migraine pain, getting diagnosed with migraines allows for a wider range of treatments and preventatives.

it's also important because, in my opinion, your average general practice doctor is not equipped to diagnose you with chronic migraine. don't go to one expecting them to. a neurologist with migraine specialty is a better option, although a regular doctor can still be useful if they listen to you lol.

my life would be miserable and unmanageable without sumatriptan. and i never would have gotten a prescription for sumatriptan if i hadn't gone to my GP and said, "i have migraines and want to try migraine medicine," even though at the time i wasn't 100% sure that was true.

if you have chronic headaches, they're almost certainly migraines. if no one has said that to you before, let me be the first. start treating your migraines.

[h-ngm-nssluttt]

Color My World

Jake Seresin x Reader

Ella Kazansky never thought she would be able to find someone to bring color into her world after her boyfriend Max passed away. But someone she least's expects brings the most vibrant new colors into her world.

This will be a series.

Color My World Chapter 1

Song: “Dancing with your ghost” - Sasha Alex Sloan

I sat in this uncomfortable waiting room chair, stared at that same stain spot on the carpet and looked through those same 3 magazines on the table in the corner for what felt like the thousandth time. I mean I guess if I do the math I’ve sat here in this same spot 30 times in the last 2 years. It’s routine at this point. I walk in the door, Sarah at the front desk welcomes me with a ‘good morning Ms. Kazansky’, I sit in this exact same chair and then I walk through that door in front of me, spill my feelings like they expect me to and then when it all over I go on with my life. Not that I’m doing much living. I think I’m just existing at this point because I honestly don’t know how to live after a loss like this.

Each week is filled with a therapy appointment, a grief support group, work and spending time with the one person who doesn’t look at me with pity or judgment for how I’m handling my life right now. Most of ‘our’ friends have given up on me… well more like I pushed them away because it hurt too much. Natasha Trace is the only one who hasn’t left and I’m honestly grateful.

The door opens and I see my therapist stand there with a smile on her face as she gestures for me to come in. I take my seat in the middle of the couch as she sits across from me grabbing her notebook and pen.

“How are you doing today Ella?”

I turn my head and glance out the window in her office as she says the same line she always does. And I lie like I usually do.

“I’m doing okay”

In reality id like to say ‘I’m feeling fucking horrible’ but everyone knows that wouldn’t go over well.

After talking about my ‘feelings and grief’ for an hour I make my way to my usual spot. Headphones on my head as I walk down the street towards the little coffee shop by the beach where Natasha meets me every Thursday to help me recoup from the therapy.

The slight breeze blows my hair around as I take a sip from my coffee watching everyone on the beach. Everyone smiling, laughing. Living. 

I smile as I watch him walk out towards the water. The muscles on his back moved with each step he took. The breeze blowing my hair around as I just sat there and admired him. God… how did I get so lucky. His blue eyes meet mine as he calls back to me.

“Well you coming?”

I smiled as I didn't waste a second before shedding my jacket and sliding my dress off before running to him in the water. The second I was close enough his arms wrapped around me and lifted me off my feet as a wave crashed around us. The sound of his laugh was muffled by the sounds of the waves. We stood there just holding onto one another. A random kiss placed on top of my head every few seconds.

“It doesn’t get better than this El…”

I smile as i pull my head back from his bare chest as i look up into his blue eyes that i love so much as a smile crosses his face

“I’m madly in love with you, you know that?”

“Trust me i know Max-a-million”

His smile grew before he leaned down and kissed me… 

“Earth to Ella….. How did it go today?”

I snap back from my thoughts as i  scoff slightly as I turn in my seat and look at Natasha

“same as usual. There’s no timeline on progress and healing. Apparently, I’m making progress according to her but I definitely don’t feel like it.”

She looks at me as she rests her arms across the table

“I think you have. At least a little bit. Ella, the grief isn’t going to go away overnight you know”

“I know… I just didn’t think it would still be hurting this badly to miss him almost 2 years later”

“And I wish for you that it didn’t hurt this much, but your entire world got flipped upside down… How are you feeling about it being almost 2 years?”

“I honestly don’t know. It honestly still feels like it was yesterday. My mom keeps trying to get me to move back home”

“She wants you to move back onto base?”

“Yeah. Both her and dad. They seem to think that me leaving my place is the best idea to help move on. I came home last week and I found her there trying to pack up some of his stuff… I flipped shit. Told her to get out. She’s been calling but I won’t pick up”

Natasha looks at me with a shocked expression

“she just went into your place and touched his stuff?”

“Yeah…”

“Have you made any progress on putting any of it away like your therapist recommended?”

I sigh as I look away from her back out to the beach

“I tried… I really did but… I just can’t do it… it makes me feel like I’m trying to get rid of him…”

I open the door to my place and flick on the lights. The sound of Gizmo running to the door fills the silent house. I smile as I lean down and give him a quick pet before dumping my bag by the door. I sit down on the chair. His chair. As I sit there quietly. Everything in this room of his is just where he left it. The jacket tossed on the bench by the door. The empty glass next to the Jameson bottle on the cart by the record player. Everything. Gizmo sits between my legs and lets out a whine.

“I know. I know… I miss him too”

If you stepped into my place you would think he’s still here. Between all of his things, the pictures that litter every available surface like the fridge, the walls, the tables. So many memories scattered around. Memories that make me realize my life is all black and white now. The kitchen where we would dance and sing while making meals together is quiet and lifeless. The breezeway where we would lay on the couch on rainy days with the French doors open just listening to the rain. I haven’t opened those doors since. The laughter that would fill the living room when we would have a game night together. Gone. The boxes of games forgotten in the corner of the room. The only thing that hasn’t changed is music. I will constantly have his favorite records playing. Honestly if I sit there, close my eyes and listen I swear it feels like I can hear his voice singing along. I can still see his smile, hear his laugh as he would dance with me around the house. But the second I open my eyes it’s gone. I’m alone and that nagging feeling in my body… the feeling I can’t describe is there to remind me that he’s gone.

The day Max died was the day all the color was taken from my life… because Max put all the color into my life… and now I’m back to black and white.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First chaper and second chapter will be about Ella, Jake will make his appearance in chapter 3!

This is my first time writing a series on tumblr so be patient with me. I am going to create a master list for this series as well.

If you would like to be added to the notification list shoot me a message!

Chapter 2 coming shortly!

[collophora]

haha I'll never finish this

but hewwo new followers <3

[kirby-the-gorb]

[lepusrufus]

Still alive btw my wrist has just decided I need to go fuck myself actually

[belethlegwen]

The Stranding - Chp 73 - Hidden Duality

I was in emergency for 8 hours last night and never got seen by a Doctor, so have a chapter before I go get myself some more sleep to catch up <3

By the time 2am rolled around it had been over an hour and a half since the last person had been called in to be seen, and we had noticed that only the triage nurse and the registration nurse were still there. My province has a wildly concerning lack of Doctors and healthcare professionals right now, and I couldn't wait another 4-5 hours for the next shift change, so we left and went to bed out of it. Hoping I can stave off the worst of the discomfort with over-the-counter medicine until I see my family Doctor on Monday.

Meanwhile, the gang is experiencing some shifts in dynamics that none of them find particularly comfortable as they assess the wreckage of the Swift Landslide. I hope you all enjoy!

Much love and be kind to yourselves <3

~ Belle

[altruistic-meme]

back on my bullshit: looking through and making edits to my doc full of Issues I Have That Haven't Ever Been Looked Into for the doctor. which may prove to be futile but i will not think to bring any of this up + will absolutely try and downplay it if i do not do this.

i still keep joking that i will hand them the papers and go "pick one and we can start there" as well as threatening to walk out if they so much as breathe the word "asthma" to me. hopefully i can actually do these things at the appointment.

and i know. i know that doctors hate it when you present possible diagnoses and that you should let them do it themselves but like. you don't understand. i have had 22 years of not having anything done when i had a health concern, to the point where i stopped even realizing that things were concerning until someone else pointed out to me that it may be a problem.

so im coming armed and prepared and if the doctor refuses to work with me like im an actual person, then i will leave and i will ask for a different doctor. rinse and repeat until i find someone who will actually help me.

[thelaststarfalling]

kitten acquisition is likely actually happening this weekend

i think i am going to get one orange male and one calico female

now i have to pick names (which i am being indecisive about lol) and schedule spay/neuter and other basic vet things which is unexpectedly stressful hnnnng

[quaranmine]

i need to do some more work At Work today,

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

[mugwot]

hm

[roaringroa]

they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

[promithiae]

.

[phagodyke]

omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby