#snazum vents

[snazum]

me when i continue to just sit in melancholy instead of working on my homework. RAGGHHH

[snazum]

im legit so stressed about my friend staying with me for the week, idek why

it’d be easier if i lived alone i suppose. i’m more stressed about my moms reactions. I swear she said it wss fine

[snazum]

I wish I could love openly, express it, but it feels like others don’t care? I’ve always been in a shadow and it feels pretty obvious now. I’m probably the problem though? Idk. I know I downplay my sad stuff when I dont mean to, but do I do it with the happy stuff too?

I just want to be teased bout my crush and love life. But it, doesn’t really happen? Teasing is my love language or whatever, thats why I tease others. Maybe I’m missing the signs of other peoples love language towards me? But, its like nothing?

Maybe I’m actually insane and this is all in my head and i’m making a big deal out of nothing. I honestly have no idea what I’m talking about. I know words and put them together but I don’t know feelings. I feel like everything I feel and do and say is an act.

[snazum]

i have been very avoidant in my classes lately and i feel terrible for it but also i don’t care. i hate that i don’t care

starting to realize i may be going thru a depression funk and maybe have been for months, it was just high functioning and the functioning is starting to slip.

last night while i was high i was able to connect with who I was before everything. I miss him. He actually cared and was dedicated and hardworking and now he’s a piece of shit who avoids everything. Who stopped caring. Fuck I almost got hit by two cars and I didn’t really give a shit. That’s not good! I should give a shit!

Anyways, idk. Lets hope I don’t flunk out of school

[snazum]

idk if i’m aromantic or just trans or both or whatever is wrong with me ToT

I’m a sucker for romance, I’m a hopeless romantic. zi can’t picture myself in a romance, I can’t picture myself because I’m trans.

I can never be loved the way I need to be loved, I can never love the way others need love.

like am i wishing for romance i can never have in denial of my identity? or am i just lonely and trying to cope by saying im aro idk. idk….

What the fuck am I, I riddle you this.

[snazum]

having my career crisis again. it’s been on off the past two weeks lmao, thanks school and mental issues. (also it’s a general crisis but we don’t talk bout that)

seriously tho like. i’m such a fukin poser in everything I do. Idk what it is. I don’t fit in anywhere, i’m too much and not enough. uhhhh what else.

too profession in a casual setting, too casual in a professional setting

too neurodivergent or smth with the neurotypicals, not nd enough with the nds.

know too much about weird topics, but not actually

like the wrong things or smth idk. just weird im weird it sucks. i want to fit in.

its just frustrating. im tired as hell. i dont understand how to be a human, obviously. * ****** ** **** **** * *** **** ** **** ** ******* ** ***. ugh. UGHHHHHH.

i’m not even myself half the time. couldn’t describe to you who i am. i’m a mess ig. but i’m also not. no who am i kidding i am a mess

[snazum]

never think about trying to sell or profit off your art. You will hate your art again. I try to never compare my art to other artist unless I want to learn how they do smth in their art, but I have to compare (or can't help but compare) when I'm thinking about selling my art. Who tf is going to buy my shit? I don't have great ideas or composition. I have a hard time making fully finished pieces (now a days), and focus much more on the personal side of art than the commercial.

Look, I like my art, I do, I enjoy my style and I'm content with where my art is at. But it isn't selling worthy ya know? Which I know cause I can't get commisions. But I also can't because I can't market myself, and people don't like to pay money. I was able to get requests, but that's because people like free shit. Idk, I would like people to put their money where their mouth is, but I also can't talk cause I can't We are all just broke as a society and cannot pay for commodities like this due to bills and price of living. Life sucks. Everything sucks. I'm trying to be positive I really am but I'm stressed out. And I want to complain. And there's nothing anyone can do about my issues but I'm gonna complain then go get a snack and watch youtube.

[snazum]

i wont lie, i hate my art. i love it dont get me wrong I’m good at what I do. But thats the problem. I’m good at what I do.

I wish I wasn’t so, specialized, when it comes to my art. I wish I could do more. And yeah that comes with practice. And idk what I was going with this. Cause it just comes with practice and im the one that always digs this goddamn hole for myself.

this is just my mental state. Ahh, welp idk what to do to fix it.

[snazum]

so far my cycle for the past day or two has been, break down and ugly cry for 5 minutes. Doom scroll social media for 30mins-4hrs, go back to ugly cry break down, repeat.

[snazum]

i miss being able to be creative without me being sleep deprived/delirious and/or high.

i feel a little broken ngl

i’m just tired. tired of my terrible sleep schedule too. and me tetering on being dehydrated and malnourished. idk how to put the parts back together

[snazum]

Working on a little (big) project, finally figured out the storyline I want to go with, that's all I'll say, it's called IYKYK. Literatly thats the project name, it might change but it's quite what it means. but if you don't know? That's okay too! I'm hoping to tell a compelling story anyways. This is probably gonna take a couple years to do though XD

If you are interested this is the playlist I'll be working with. Yes I'm planning on making video visuals for this project (I'd say animating but I'm gonna be using a bunch of different techniques, also animating is hard af and takes a long time and I'm not exactly an animator.) Also you get to learn a little bit of my music taste now XD

[snazum]

bro i am begging you to talk to your friend pleeeeeaaaase its easy i promise (also dont post this im just too lazy to dm)

nah sorry man im posting this cause its anon, who? and what? cause to me i wont lie this just reads as some anon internet troll. so either dm me or if you really know me u got my number so text me

[snazum]

it does not help that i’m running on fumes and have been and really just want to relax and ignore the world ToT september is gonna killll meeee

Like i was on the end of my rope by the end of the con today and i gotta make that shit work for a week. shoot me now!

im legit so stressed about my friend staying with me for the week, idek why

it’d be easier if i lived alone i suppose. i’m more stressed about my moms reactions. I swear she said it wss fine