#slightly ambiguous little shit of a post my posts suck }

[neganium]

just reported and blocked someone who followed me who may or may not have been a bot; I'm not entirely sure. what little they had on their blog made them seem pretty distasteful, tho; namely the anti-blm post that was smth to the tune of accusing anyone who uses the blm phrase of being racist (which in and of itself is fucking racist lmao); golf shit (which?? girlie why tf are you following ME???? do I LOOK like I do Sport (derogatory)???); some kind of... sissy bottom kink? idk and I don't care; also a picture of what I assume was supposed to be her with a shirt with a picture of some dude in a prison jumpsuit with the hashtag "freescottie" or smth like that on it, which, idk who this man is, but for some reason I feel like that's some kind of red flag?? idk who this random scrubby white dude did but I feel like it was probably something racist. or he's a cop or something. which again, circles back to something racist. or sexist! or sexist and racist! the wonders never cease with those types. dude was an angry lookin fucker, tho.

you can feel free to enlighten me on whatever this is about; I'm still not sure that she wasn't some kind of bot. at the very least she's deliberate ragebait. it was this ambiguity that lead me to a spam/bot report, tho. and also, golfer. like of all the fucking myriad of terrible sports to play (bc they all suck imo, at least the ball-related ones), and she went and had to pick the very worst, most boring one? the one that wastes valuable space and natural resources and fucks up the environment in addition to simply sucking? and the fact that this racist, probably at least slightly monied woman saw my blog and thought it was interesting????? to her specifically?? if she's not a bot then I'm fuckin offended.

[tsumuniri]

━━━ Atsumu Miya is a free-loader. Living inside his twin brother's home as if it was his, he would bring home girls and annoy Osamu most of the time. Y/N L/N is quite the opposite apparently because she's a virgin loser. Being the popular anonymous BL mangaka known as Yamazaki, she stays in the homey abode of her parents and watches boys from afar for references (not for admiration sadly).

Now what will happen if fate decided to tie these two idiots together and made them live across each other in one apartment?

。m.list ❯❯ ┃next

ZERO ━━ WHO’S KICKING WHO NOW?

DO YOU GET NERVOUS to the point you wouldn't be surprised that you already took a shit, not pee, but discharge the residue on your pants? That's how a certain H/C-haired female felt as she sat across the table with her editor on the other side. It was only a figurative speech, though; if she took it literally, Y/N would gladly dig her own grave and plan her funeral up to what kind of horrid gown she'd be wearing in her casket.

It wasn't your fault to be this anxious. You've been doing this type of gig for almost five years, yet you couldn't help but tremble slightly on your seat as you noiselessly wait for the male editor to enlighten you with comments in regards to this unreleased chapter. You hate having to go through this type of initiation, but hey, you love your job nevertheless.

"Great work today, L/N-san. You accurately followed my advice when it comes to the panels. As expected from your skills and experiences in the field." Akihito remarked, pushing up his glasses with his thumb and closing the original copy of the printed manuscript.

You now had the ability to breathe as you draw out a deep sigh of relief. "Well, thank the gods for that! When you criticized the paneling of this chap two days ago, I panicked a bit and had to rearrange them all." You rambled on and began to ravish the food on your tray to satisfy your empty stomach. It was a bit difficult to comprehend your words due to the continuous eating of the delicious french fries. However, your editor somewhat understood you in the end.

Akihito watched you chowed down on the poor potato snack and shook his head from the ridiculous spectacle of your hungry state. "You're the infamous Yamazaki, but you asked me to meet up with you in a place like this?" He panned out.

"What do you mean? And didn't I tell you not to say my pen name out loud? What if people might hear you!"

"Y/N, we're in McDonald's." Your editor frowned, gesturing around the place full of children with a nudge of his thumb. With the sudden dilemma of your hidden identity, he cocked a brow and turned his head to glance at the screaming little monsters chasing each other on the matted floor. It was clear to him that these youngsters didn't pay any mind to their talk.

"We took the table by the playground. I don't think kids of their age would know someone who makes picture books of men sucking-".

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! STOP!" You cut him off right before he could finish his ambiguous statement. You took a bite on the fry you were holding and dipped it in the blob of ketchup on the tissue paper. "I chose this fast-food resto because the atmosphere in this place is loud. I don't want someone to hear you nor see the material you're reading." You licked the salt off your fingers once you finished eating your fries.

His slanted eyes squinted in suspicion as his onyx irises surveyed your get-up from head to toe. Your patterned sock-covered feet nestled on black Adidas slippers as you had plaid trousers that seemed to look like matching pajama pants of a clothing set. The white shirt with the oppai logo you wore made up for your lacking asset. However, the best feature of this apparel you came up with was the unusual pair of large rimmed shades covering your eyes. "It seemed like you do know how to act natural, Y/N..." Akihito trailed, deciding not to ridicule the outfit you chose to wore for their meeting since he knew you were in a hurry to meet the deadline.

Your eyes glanced at the watch wrapped around your wrist and realized the current time. "I better get going. My mom would kill me if I didn't do the groceries. Thank you for today, Akihito!" You pushed yourself off the table, sitting up from the cushioned seat then bowing towards the male.

The brunette also stood up for courtesy's sake, softly smiling at you in gratification. "Thank you for your hard work as well, L/N-san. I'll make sure to send out a copy of the weekly magazine as soon it releases to the public. Your international fans will definitely enjoy this chapter once the global publishing company releases the translated magazine." He assured.

"Well, I'm happy to hear that everyone gets to enjoy my works! I'll see you soon, Akihito." You gave him a lazy grin as you turned your back and left for your pending chore.

"That man sure bought a lot of cleaning products." You thought out loud as you recalled the fascinating scene of a fellow shopper with a basket full of cleaning merchandise. You couldn't pinpoint his looks since the guy was wearing a face mask. But from his athletic build and large hooded eyes that made the other shoppers distance themselves away, you had a feeling he's good-looking. It wouldn't be surprising if he already has a girlfriend.

Or a boyfriend if he likes bananas over tacos.

Your little bubble of thoughts soon popped as you stood outside the gate of your household, staring at the moving boxes stacked on the grassy floor of your mother's garden. 'Now, what are they up to?' You mused, having a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach from the cardboard packages.

You hoisted up the two paper bags full of groceries against your chest and pulled the gate open. "Mom! Dad! I'm Home!" You greeted out, walking past the boxes and almost tripping on one of them. Your left arm had lifted the groceries with difficulty as you used your other hand to twist the doorknob of the front door.

The spruce door was pushed open by your right arm. As you took a step inside, your ears caught a pitched bark from the end of the hallway. A smile fixed on your lips once the familiar energetic sound registered in your mind.

"Kazu!" A short-coated corgi ran out from one of the doorways as it continued to bark and jump from the excitement of its owner arriving back at home. Its fluffy butt waddled with every step it took with its soft paws— bouncing a couple of times once you called out its name.

You smiled from ear to ear, "You miss me, boy?" You cooed, slipping out of your slippers and setting the bags of groceries on the hall table by the door. The dog barked softly and looked up at you with his beady eyes, wagging his tail and letting out another bark in reply. You would've played with this cute bunch that the gods have blessed you with, but the questions about the boxes haven't stopped galling you for answers.

"Where's mom and dad, Kazu?"

Kazu tilted his head and barked as if the corgi understood what you were trying to tell him. The dog turned around and darted over to the staircase leading upstairs. 'Maybe that's why they didn't hear me.' You thought to yourself and followed your dog over to the flight of stairs. The fluffy puppy used his time in climbing up the steps, but you decided to scoop the dog up in your arms and carry him midway due to how hard of a time the corgi's having.

You gently placed Kazu back on the floor after you both reached upstairs. Your brows furrowed together as you caught the sight of the two pieces of luggage outside your bedroom door. If your gut was telling you before that something grave might happen, it was screaming at you now that something will. "Mom?" You called out for your mother, needing an explanation for what the hell her parents are doing to her room.

Finally, the said person peeked her head out from the doorway of your room. "Y/N, dear! Welcome back!" She smiled and waved her hand to beckon you over to her side.

"Since you're finally here, your father and I have some great news for you!"

You eyed your mother, suspicious by the way she's acting, but you still heeded her command and took hesitant steps in the direction of your bedroom. "What's happening, mom? Why are you guys in my r-" You weren't able to finish your sentence as you find yourself in an almost empty bedroom with your father sealing a box with packaging tape.

The middle-aged man looked up from what he was doing and beamed once he saw his daughter walked inside the room, "My lovely girl! Great timing! Help your old pal in bringing your stuff outside the house." He hummed.

You didn't know what to say— you already had an idea of what the old couple was about to do, but you don't want to believe it. Your wide eyes shifted between your mother and father, "Don't... Don't tell me that..." You stammered as you were in disbelief from the current event playing right in front of you.

"We're kicking you out, Y/N!"

## and this is the first fic that i posted here on tumblr! though, i already published it in wp as well LMAO. i hope you enjoyed reading the prologue :'>

[dramarising-replacement]

as someone in lightning who has never participated directly in dom nor been on any of the lightning discord servers but has kept a loose orbit of the dramasphere and periodically skims the dom threads to check the schedule and see if anything's being voted on, the fact that consistently for the last 4 or more years every time i see someone in public say anything that even slightly sounds like it could be questioning the leadership on any level get slammed with the same guilt-trippy sounding "in LIGHTNING we're a GOOD dom flight and our leadership is WONDERFUL because you can TAKE THIS ISSUE UP WITH OUR DOM LEADERS DIRECTLY ANDTHEY'LL LISTEN BECAUSE THEY ARE GOOD rather than COMPLAINING ABOUT IT which you would know if you were COMPLAINING IN GOOD FAITH because otherwise you'd have gone through the PROPER channels to contact our LEADERS rather than WHINING IN PUBLIC and i'm going to heavily imply that the issues you raised don't exist and/or are stupid and wrong and based on a fundamentally idiotically wrong understanding of how our flight works" wall of text puts me right the hell off lightning dom as a whole real hard.

even if i had been the sort of person to have an interest in dom battles, that whole thing combined with a lot of other subtle things and the fact that almost everything is on a discord server out of the public eye at this point gives me uncomfortable vibes, and the fact that these copypasta response posts always seem to have this weird unspoken emphasis on the real problem being that it's visible in public gives me, as someone trapped in an abusive family of exactly that type, who's mother has told me this phrase exactly word for word, MASSIVE "there's some things we don't talk about outside this family." vibes.

the fact that literally nothing is really particularly known or spoken about lightning as a flight outside of people being like "uhh spreadsheets" makes me even more nervous of my own flight, because in my experience dramasphere silence like that only means that they're just very good at hiding where the drama is happening. no news is not the same thing as neutral news. no news means the news isn't getting out. there was also that major dom leader guy with a game of thrones name a year or two back who if i remember correctly did something along the lines of enter himself on his own ticket spreadsheet for a dom raffle he was running so that he could draw himself to win prizes, then when someone asked about that he exploded on them about how they're an entitled brat and ranted on about how as dom leaders they work so hard and are entitled to a cut of the prizes of their work? then fucked off to plague where he proceeded to do some other questionable things i don't remember? that was a thing, and that didn't exactly make me feel less weird something not right here vibes from what little contact i had with the lightning dom situation. i just get a huge feeling of guilt tripping from all of the few interactions i've ever seen of the dom scene interacting with anyone who asks questions and i also get the impression of this heavy unspoken frowning upon anyone speaking about anything going on in-flight outside it.

unfortunately if it turns out there is weird shit going on, or if this spirals into  drama topic whether or not there is, given the fact that up until this point there has been literally nothing on lightning in the collective consciousness of fr up until this point beyond "idk spreadsheet probably" and the fact that right now the popular attitude of 90% of the userbase seems to be that all plague users are problematic rude edgelords and entitled whiny babies because they complain about getting shafted on their aesthetic (and the fact that the site artists are very blatantly going out of their way to exclude the damn color RED) and because the very act of being into such a non-wholesome aesthetic in the first place is apparently enough to make one inherently suspect, this will most likely result in lightning members as a whole coming to be viewed in popular consciousness as inherently problematic, corrupt, suspect, drama-causers, and untrustworthy. after all, there won't be any other preconceived notions on us there for people's brains to gravitate to automatically when they think of us. if my bad vibes feelings turn out to be not unfounded after all i'm going to be completely fucked by association because people on flight rising, even if they won't admit it, are horrifyingly steeped in category-based prejudices towards eachother and ESPECIALLY towards anyone who happens to have anything to do on any level with a flight that's been deemed a "drama" one. just cause they won't say it to your face on-site doesn't mean they don't think it and pass judgements based on it. and lightning if it does turn out to be corrupt will be especially fucked because we have nothing else going for us in the case that we end up being deemed one of the shitty drama flights where all the stupid entitled whiny baby untrustworthy asshole bad people are and everyone there is an problematic whiny scambitch they all suck and their flight sucks too and is probably conceptually problematic or offensive against a real life group or something inherently as a concept too and therefore everyone in it is cosigning causing people epileptic seizures because thrage was a dick about that and blah blah blah because i know damn well how these toxic-ass circles of tumblr that scream 24/7 about what a sweet welcoming wholesome community not like those horrible toxic communities outside they are run.

this whole situation is a mess of uncomfortable ambiguity, guilt tripping, and certain bad times ahead if anyone's suspicions turn out to be even slightly shy of totally unfounded, which i'm not inclined to find likely because insert that phrase about how if something presents itself as too good to be true here. flight rising as a community is already dreadfully susceptible to the worst kinds of aggressive isolationist cult mentality, and the guilt tripping every time i see someone ask questions in public thing has been setting off my warning bells for years. people already almost universally dislike lightning in general just for it's aesthetic and lore, and the kind of tumblr people fr is populated by are very much the type to jump on any chance to rationalize and justify their personal distaste of a fictional thing as a morality thing that allows them to condemn people morally over association with it and thus eradicate the disliked thing's presence and stop people being allowed to like the thing they don't like.

idk this is rambling. some things i've seen and the things i haven't seen make me nervous and everything about the potential outcomes sucks.

[playlistmusings]

I had him right there where I wanted him

3,252 words

Jude Duarte x Cardan Greenbriar

read on ao3

A very big thanks to @yourlocalautisticoverlord for giving me the prompt: Knife Wife Jude teaches Cardan basic self defense (he is very bad at it).

Jude is bored and wants someone to spar with. The only thing stopping her from having a sparring partner is that, Cardan sucks at fighting. Luckily, Jude doesn't mind teaching her husband how to defend himself and Cardan doesn't mind the way Jude teaches him.

-----

Ambiguous time period, could be set during a slightly AU TWK if Cardan and Jude had their shit together and Jude wasn’t exiled or post TQoN with pretty much no changes to canon.

-----

Cardan felt oddly at peace in the training room of the Court of Shadows. He knew he probably shouldn’t, after all he was surrounded by more weapons than he could count and some of the most gifted and terrifying warriors and spies he’d ever met. But one of those warriors was his wife and everyone else had, at one point or another, actively worked to keep alive and on the throne, so perhaps the peace was justified. So, he sat in a chair off to the side, pieces of parchment in his hands that he read through whilst desperately trying to ignore the group of spies that was taking turns sparring each other. He was just flipping a letter over to read the back—because reports on crop growth were so interesting—when a knife flew past his face and thudded in the wall. Ripped from his thoughts, Cardan looked up and towards the person who threw the knife—of course it was Jude, who else would risk even nicking the High King? —and gave her a sardonic glare, daring her to let a second knife already held between her fingers go flying.

“Come on, Cardan! At least try to spar with us!” Her voice rang out as she grinned at him, as if all it took for Cardan to give up was a taunt and a smile (which, to be fair to Jude, usually that was all it took).

“I have important work to do, you know, as High King of Elfhame I actually have to do things.” He held her gaze, shifting from a glare to a equally sarcastic smile, the type of smile that usually made her jut out her chin and glare at him—the smile that usually followed some offhand comment meant to rile her up and preceded Jude muttering something about how insufferable or intolerable or in- something Cardan was before she crashed her lips into his. But here, in the training room, surrounded by people, Cardan was pretty certain she wouldn’t do anything—after all she always seemed off when publicly showing affection. And if they only kissed or hugged when they were alone, it didn’t really bother Cardan, if anything it made moments like these, where he could taunt her like he did back when they were in school—minus the part where she thought he was genuinely trying to kill or main her—all the more fun. So, as Jude glared, obviously trying to come up with some clever retort, Cardan’s smile softened, turning genuine for only a second before he forced himself to focus on the papers sitting in his lap.

“Ah, yes, High King Cardan has to focus on his work, because he’s so important, and does nothing but focus on work…” Jude muttered half formed insults under her breath while walking to rip her knife from the wall. And if someone saw Cardan smiled wider when he heard her, then he would claim that he was just happy that Elfhame was having a good farming season and it had nothing to do with his wife.

-----

Jude was exhausted. The good kind of exhausted, though, where you could feel your muscles work through every movement, growing stronger as you pushed them. Yet, all of her sparring partners were apparently too exhausted to continue training. One by one, over the course of an hour or so everyone had made their way out of the room, first it was the Roach claiming he had somewhere to be, then it was the Bomb claiming she had a meeting with someone— acting like no one knew that someone was the Roach—and then, all too quickly, it was only Cardan and Jude in the room. This would have been a welcome change, if Cardan weren’t more focused on those God damn papers than Jude. She had been trying to get him out of that chair for hours, taunting him and “accidentally” losing grip of her weapons and strategically letting them fly past his head in an attempt to break his focus on his work and look up at her instead.

So now she stood in the middle of the room, exhausted and exasperated, trying to think of some way she could get Cardan’s attention. At this point it was less about the way he seemed to have a stick up his ass and wouldn’t interact with anyone else, or her wanting her husband to pay attention to her, or anything like that, Jude was filled with determination and spite, if he would work so hard to not pay attention to her then she would refuse to let him do anything other than focus on her.

She pulled her arm back before swinging it forward, letting the thin throwing knife slip out of her fingers and spin through the air past Cardan’s ear and into the wall behind him, it was the second time she had done this today, but luckily that didn’t mean it surprised Cardan any less. His eyes snapped up to hers before wandering around the room briefly, as if just noticing that they were alone in the training room. His gaze latched onto hers right as she started stalking towards him, Nightfell swinging in one hand, a random dagger in the other.

“What are you up to?” His voice was uneasy, but just barely, his discomfort hiding in the waver his voice had as he ended his question—he was trying to hide his discomfort in the way that only Jude could see through.

She kept walking toward him, stopping an arms-length away before holding the dagger out to him, “Take it.”

Cardan looked at her face, as if searching for a reason for her actions, before gingerly taking the dagger from her left hand.

-----

Cardan held the dagger in his right hand, feeling its weight, trying not to slice a finger on the blade. Jude was certainly up to something, he couldn’t figure out what quite yet, perhaps she was going to make him spar her or perhaps she had snapped and was going to kill him here in the Court of Shadows, tucked away where only a select few people could find his body. However, while Cardan was left wondering what was going to happen, he was pretty certain it was happening because he had been very purposefully ignoring her all afternoon.

“Stand up.” Her chin was jutting out again, and Cardan could see her jaw clench as he took a few seconds before sighing and setting the parchments on the floor and standing, making a show of every action he made.

“So, now are you going to tell me what’s happening?” Something in Jude seemed to momentarily soften as he looked her in the eye plainly, with no pretense or sarcasm, just searching for an answer in her face.

“I’m bored and you’re here and I’m going to spar you,” Her voice made it clear that even if he wanted to ignore her, she wouldn’t make it easy for him.

“Well, my Queen, that would be a wonderful idea if I were a partner worth sparring.” Cardan thought back to days spent attempting to refine what few combat skills he had, forcing himself out of his memories before they could go down a dark path consumed by Balekin’s taunts and servants whipping his back.

“Then, I don’t know, I’ll…” Jude turned on her heel, exasperation coloring her voice as it faded off, “I’ll just have to teach you. I know you can fight a little, so I’ll teach you, I mean it makes sense for you to at least be able to try to protect yourself.”

Cardan once again forced his thoughts away from other lessons he’d been forced into, knowing that he couldn’t hide the discomfort Jude’s words brought on.

“Oh, I don’t mean to—I won’t make you, if you don’t want to, it’s fine, I forgot about all that. It’s okay, Cardan, I’m fine,” Jude stuttered her apology as her mind drifted to the time she hid under a table in Balekin’s house.

Cardan’s heart softened, the realization that despite all of Jude’s rough edges, she’d do anything before hurting someone she loved sunk in as he said words he didn’t know if he’d regret, “No, it’s fine, let’s do this. Teach me to fight, your Majesty.”

-----

Jude nodded, still feeling guilty for forgetting why Cardan didn’t enjoy endless sparring sessions like she did. She quickly pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind, trying to take Cardan’s reassurance, after all he couldn’t lie to her even if he wanted to, so it had to be fine, right?

“Okay, let’s start with defensive positions, then.” Jude approached Cardan, loosely holding Nightfell in her hand before swinging directly towards Cardan’s side, stopping inches away from his arm that did nothing but flinch. Dear God, he really has no self-preservation, no wonder he always got into messes. Jude groaned a little before looking at Cardan and asking, “So, in that scenario do you really just want to lose an arm?”

He shook his head, “Obviously not, but what am I supposed to do? You have a whole sword and I have, what? A tiny knife?”

“You could at least try to block me. Like, here, like this.” Jude moved towards Cardan and lifted his harm and hand to make a motion so that his dagger would intercept the path of her blade. And so, it went on like that, for what felt like years. Jude slowly showing Cardan a motion, working with him until he could do it cleanly, eventually moving on from defensive maneuvers to offensive jabs and slashes. It was progress, however clumsy and unpracticed his movements were, at least it was progress. Jude kept telling herself it was unreasonable to expect Cardan to perfect anything she showed him but something in her ached for him to understand faster, to understand more.

-----

Cardan had been trying to execute the same movement for about fifteen minutes now. Jude kept claiming he was going wrong when he did something wrong with his wrist, right there after you reach out, but he still had no clue as to fix it. And while Cardan could see the merit in knowing how to defend oneself, he did have an entire legion of knights whose sole job was defending him, so he didn’t have to and on top of that he had a wife who was more than happy to ride off into battles for him, so there was really nearly no scenario he’d need to know any of this stuff. The last time he could even think of getting attacked was when Jude held a knife to his throat in Dain’s study—which to be honest, he didn’t exactly mind repeating that event. But alas, despite all the repetition and scolding and sweat, Cardan loved seeing the way Jude’s face lit up whenever he mastered a movement or successfully blocked an attack. Something about Jude just seemed right when she fought, like this was what she was meant to do. Her eyes had a fire in them, and her body moved with a practiced ease that Cardan was only now noticing, when for once he could focus on her and her movements without a threat looming over every action. It was intoxicating, seeing someone so in their element, seeing Jude so clearly doing exactly what she was trained to do, exactly what she loved. Even now, when she wasn’t doing anything other than glaring at his arm—as if that was the solution to his problem—there was something in her that made it clear that she wasn’t actually mad or upset, she was purely focused and full of intent.

Cardan made the same movement for possibly the hundredth time, which elicited a drawn out and dramatic groan from Jude as she threw her head back in exasperation, “I keep telling you, not that, you need to—” Jude groaned again before stepping behind Cardan and reaching around his body to grab his wrist, “You need to do this.” Cardan felt sparks erupt across his skin as her breath hit the back of his neck, trying desperately to focus on the way her hand twisted his wrist and pushed out his arm and not on the way he could feel a ghost of her lips right above his shirt or the way his tail was flicking back and forth, wanting to reach out and around one of her legs, trapping her against him.

After a few repetitions, Jude stepping back, and Cardan didn’t know whether to thank her or beg her to come back. He tried the movement again and this time he thought Jude was going to kill him with the glare she shot at his hand. He tried to shrug, and she groaned again.

“Perhaps this is a signal that we should stop?” Cardan offered, hoping that Jude would take him up on his offer and he could stop pretending like he even knew what scenario he would need use this movement in.

“Perhaps.” Jude echoed, looking lost in her thoughts, no doubt still trying to think of some way she could help fix his issue.

Cardan walked over to a table and placed the dagger he had been using next to a variety of other knives before he was interrupted.

“You know what? No. That’s not happening. I taught you all of this so that we could spar, so before we’re done, we’re going to spar.”

As Cardan turned to face Jude, readying some response about that being unnecessary and there always being tomorrow, he was faced with a fearsome sight, Jude standing just behind him, Nightfell drawn and a blaze in her eyes. His throat bobbed as he reached to pick up the dagger just in time for Jude to make her first strike.

Cardan didn’t know how he blocked it, his arm instinctively reaching out while his wrist twisted so he could stop her blade from slicing his side.

“Of course, now you get it,” Jude’s voice filled the training room as she stepped back, so that they could spar in the middle of the room.

As soon as Cardan reached Jude, he knew he made a mistake. She was relentless, all offense and power and grace, and it felt like all he could do was struggle to hold onto his dagger and hope he wouldn’t get cut.

She swung her sword around in mesmerizing arcs before reaching out to continue her attack, stepping towards Cardan so she could push him away from the center of the room. Cardan knew he should lash out, at the very least he should find a way to move away from exactly where Jude wanted him to be, but he couldn’t find any openings. She was unstoppable, a force of nature pushing against him and forcing him to use every ounce of training he had just to stay in one piece.

As soon as Cardan felt one of his feet hit the wall behind him, he knew he was done for. He was trapped and definitely the worse swordsman—knifeman? —and he knew he couldn’t get out of the reach of Nighfell or block Jude’s attacks forever. Jude’s eyes lit up when she saw Cardan freeze, using the opportunity to let her sword clatter to the floor, take Cardan’s dagger from his hand, and push him against the wall, holding the knife to his throat, all in one maneuver.

Cardan breathed heavily, looking into Jude’s eyes hoping she understood this was him surrendering.

“Come on Cardan, how do you ever expect to win a real fight if you can’t even stop me from unarming you?” Jude’s voice was a little breathless, despite the lack of sweat on her body and the steady heartbeat Cardan could feel through her chest and she pinned him to the wall.

He grinned.

-----

Jude suddenly felt unsure of her victory. Yes, she had a weapon poised in the perfect position for a killing move. Yes, she had him trapped. Yes, she had the upper hand.

But then his hands were on her waist and he gave her one of his stupid smiles, the one that she didn’t know how to respond to, and he whispered, “Come on, love, we both know I’m already winning in this situation.”

Jude forced herself to keep her grip on the dagger, but she knew he could feel her pulse stutter then speed up, and suddenly she didn’t know whether to curse or thank her past self for deciding the best way to beat Cardan was to use her body to trap him against the wall. It felt oddly reminiscent of their first kiss, where she thought she had him exactly where she wanted him, but then he somehow gained all the control. As his hands pulled her even closer—she didn’t even realize that was possible—she resigned herself to losing just this once and let her hand fall down to her side and the dagger slip from her grip.

His lips were on her jaw first, making her head fall back with a groan as he worked his way down her throat. Jude felt a little stupid for letting herself give into Cardan’s charms so easily—was that really all it took? A cocky comment and a touch? –but quickly pushed thoughts of stupidity and regret out of her mind as he took her face in his hands so he could crash their lips together. It was a breathless mess of teeth and lips and tongue, as their hands pulled on each other, trying to get closer, closer. Jude felt like she was making up for that first kiss, where Cardan was drunk, and she was confused, and everything was hiding behind too many falsities and lies to even begin to unravel the truth about either of their feelings. But now—when she had Cardan in her arms and her feelings sorted and a ring on her finger—she felt like this was what that first kiss could have felt like, in some different life where things weren’t as complicated.

All the thoughts of the past were quickly shut out as Cardan flipped them around, so that Jude’s back was against the wall, and lifted her up so that he could kiss her deeper. Jude felt lost in him, she knew she must be doing something, after all Cardan was gasping into her mouth, but she couldn’t take her focus away from Cardan and his hands and his lips long enough to even think about where her hands were. As Cardan pulled his lips from hers, leaving Jude making a rather undignified noise in the back of her throat—a noise she would most definitely deny making if asked about it at a later date—he panted and held a finger to her lips.

“Jude.” Cardan’s voice was rough and low. “Jude, I think someone is coming in.”

As soon as he said the words, Jude could hear voices and nearing steps through the door. She groaned, letting her face fall onto Cardan’s shoulder before unwrapping her legs from around him and walking back to where she had dropped Nightfell. As the door opened to reveal the Bomb and the Roach, Jude turned back to Cardan who had just barely reached the dagger he had been using all afternoon, she grinned dangerously before asking, “Want to spar again?”

[everwitch-magiks]

dance with somebody (ch. 5)

(ch. 1) (ch. 2) (ch. 3) (ch. 4)

Whiskey takes the stairs two steps at a time.

His heart is racing as he turns the corner, immediately heading for his own room. He barely registers passing by a vaguely curious Hops as he practically runs the last few steps. As soon as he's made it inside, he closes the door firmly behind himself and then locks it.

Whiskey's pulse is frighteningly close to a level that's comparable to mid-game in the playoffs, when the call finally connects.

“... Connor?”

Whiskey tries to take a breath – not even a deep breath, for fucks sake, if he could just fucking breathe at all-

“Beth. Hey.”

For some reason, Bethany Whisk almost laughs.

“For someone who did not just come out to our entire extended family, you sure sound like shit, Connor.”

Whiskey let’s himself sink down onto his bed, his head in his hands.

“What, uh. When’d you… How bad is it?”

The text hadn’t exactly clarified much. just outed myself to my parents and yours, over sunday dinner. everything a lil yikes. thought u should know

“Pretty bad.” Beth’s voice is strangely calm. “Although actually, not quite the worst case scenario? But close, yeah. Real close.”

“Shit,” Whiskey mutters.

“Yeah. My dad’s gone off somewhere – he sort of just got up and left, pretty soon after I’d said it? So that’ll be lots of fun when he gets back. Mom’s a lot calmer, comparatively. Said she needs to think. Which I’ve classified as ambiguous, but not completely hopeless.”

“What about…” Whiskey begins, his tone hoarse, and then he doesn’t finish the sentence.

He can’t finish the sentence.

“Oh, your folks weren’t too bad.” Beth pauses for a moment, as if to think. “I got the feeling they weren’t really angry – it was more like pity, I guess? Which wasn’t super fun either, gotta admit that. Your mom said it’s so sad I’ll never have children, and so of course I had to deliver the news that many lesbian women have plenty of kids, and then she looked, like, super confused. I’m so fucking relieved she stopped asking questions, after that.”

Whiskey gets up, only to sit back down again. He’s trembling all over. It’s almost like he can feel the way his whole world has just shifted, like there’s an actual, physical change between right now and five minutes ago.

"Are you… D'you need anything? What can I do?"

"Oh, Connor." Beth's tone is uncharacteristically soft. "You know, I pretty much knew I’d never have to worry about your reaction. Because actually, I have a feeling you get it – like, really get it. Don’t you?”

Whiskey freezes.

"Considering your hockey team," Beth continues, completely oblivious. "Your captain is the first out something, isn’t he? Which is so cool, by the way, even though I don’t give many fucks about hockey.”

It takes Whiskey a moment to find his voice again.

"First out NCAA men’s hockey captain,” he rattles off, and it’s lucky that’s something he could quote in his sleep, or he’d get the words all mixed up. “Yeah, uh. That was Bitty. He graduated this spring. But our captain this year – Dex – is actually dating his defence partner, so.”

"Defence what now?"

"Another player on our team."

“Wow,” Beth says, and there’s something not unlike wonder in her tone. “I guess it’s all true, those things they say about Samwell.”

“Yeah,” Whiskey returns unsteadily. “You have no idea, Beth.”

Beth is quiet for a moment.

“So I’m flying back tomorrow,” she says, and for some reason her voice sounds a little different from before – more determined. “You know, Samwell is less than a four hour drive from Columbia.”

“Is that so.”

“It is. We could, y’know. Hang out sometime? Anyway, you should meet Melanie.”

“... Oh,” Whiskey says, and it’s like he has to pause and process all over again. “Melanie. Huh.”

“You’ll like Mel,” Beth says eagerly. “And I could meet your team, maybe? That’d be fun.”

“That would be fun,” Whiskey says after a beat – it surprises him, that he actually, genuinely means it. He’s missed Beth. “Yeah. We should do that.”

“See, this is why you’re my favourite cousin.” Beth sounds extremely pleased. “Josh and Amy haven’t even returned my texts, yet.”

“To be fair, they kind of always sucked.”

“You speak the truth, my friend. Nothing but the truth.”

“Seriously, though,” Whiskey says. “If you, like, need anything? Anything at all? Let me know. We’ll figure it out.”

“Thank you.” Beth’s tone is warm. “I think I’ll be fine. Like I said, I’m flying back tomorrow, and once I’m back at school there’s not much mom and dad can do, even if they try. I’m on a full scholarship, plus I’ve already got a paid internship lined up for next summer, so I’m basically financially independent at this point. And I’ve made some really amazing friends at Columbia. They’ll help me out.”

“They’ve got your back?”

“Definitely.”

“Okay. Good.”

“So,” Beth continues, her tone for some reason a bit sly. “Your mom told me you’re back together with that girl from Phoenix? That was right before I dropped the big lesbian bomb on everyone, so I didn’t get to ask her, like, anything.”

“... Yeah,” Whiskey confirms uneasily. “We got back together during spring break last semester, yeah.”

“That’s nice.”

“I guess.”

“You guess? Don’t you know?”

“I mean, I don’t see her a lot,” Whiskey tries.

Beth hums. “Long distance, huh. That’s tough.”

“No, that’s not…” Whiskey draws a shaky breath. It’s so much easier to lie to everyone else. “Beth. Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything, C.”

“Right.” Whiskey tries to keep his voice steady. “Just, can you promise me to… To pretend like I didn’t actually tell you? To just never bring it up again. Ever.”

“I mean, sure.” Beth’s tone is kind, if a little surprised. “If that’s what you want, sure.”

Whiskey closes his eyes, and breathes in.

“I slept with a guy.”

For a moment, Beth is quiet.

“All right,” she says gently. “You know that’s not the end of the world, right?”

“No, I guess.” Whiskey’s voice is shaking. “I’m just… I don’t know.”

Beth hums. “You want to do it again?”

“We uh, we did.” Whiskey clears his throat. “A few times. Last semester.”

“Hold up,” Beth says, her tone startled. “You’ve been sleeping with a guy? Frequently?”

“Not since last semester,” Whiskey reminds her quickly. “But, uh, yeah. For a while there it was every now and then.”

Beth is quiet for a moment.

“Is this the part where I smoothly change the subject and we never speak of this again? Because I’m, like, dying to get all the details.”

Whiskey almost smiles.

Somehow, breathing feels a little easier than before.

“He’s on the lacrosse team,” he supplies, surprising himself.

“Athletic,” Beth concludes, her tone giddy. “Fit? Hot?”

“Really fit,” Whiskey admits. “And like, tall?”

“Fucking get it, Connor!” Beth laughs. “But you’re not seeing each other, anymore?”

“I’m back together with my girlfriend,” Whiskey reminds her tersely. “And me and that guy weren’t ever officially anything.”

“Right,” Beth agrees easily. “Still. Glad to hear you’re getting the full Samwell experience.”

“You could say that.” Whiskey sighs. “I just. I’m not sure… I don’t think I can ever do what you just did.”

“Okay,” Beth says gently. “Do you have to, though?”

“I mean, eventually,” Whiskey tells her uneasily. “Right? People come out, eventually.”

“Not everyone does. Some people don’t.”

Whiskey blinks.

“There’s really a lot more to being gay than coming out,” Beth continues. “I would know.”

“I’m not gay,” Whiskey says reflexively – and really, he isn’t. Not strictly.

“No labels, then? Cool, cool." There's warmth in Beth's voice as she continues. "You'll figure all of this out, Connor. I'm sure you will."

"You're not the first person to tell me that."

"Let's hope I won't be the last," Beth says brightly. "So. How many people know?"

"Noone," Whiskey says quickly – too quickly. "Well, you know now. Bitty found out accidentally, and I almost told Dex. Plus I guess that guy I was with has a hunch."

"Right," Beth says, and there's no judgement in her tone. "So when we come to see you, this conversation never happened. Obviously, I'm not telling Melanie."

"Yeah," Whiskey agrees. "Thank you. Thank you so much, Beth."

"No problem. And on that happy subject, when’s a good weekend for me and Mel to drive up for some Samwell shenanigans?”

“I can send you our game schedule," Whiskey suggests.

“Connor, you know I love you, but please tell me you don’t expect me to sit through an entire game of sports.”

“I mostly meant so you’ll know when we have away games,” Whiskey says, and to his own surprise he’s grinning slightly. “You know, so that I’m not in fucking New Jersey when you show up here.”

“Okay, fair point.” Beth pauses. “By the way. Are you any good?”

“What, at hockey?”

“No, at table tennis.” The eye-roll is near audible.

“I am,” Whiskey says. “Good, I mean. I’m the top scorer on our team.”

“Well, that’s only good if the team is.”

“You know, maybe you guys should actually drive up for a game weekend,” Whiskey tells her. “It’s really not a complete Samwell experience without a proper post-game kegster.”

“A what now?”

“A party, Beth. A huge party. At the hockey frat.”

“See, now you’re talking,” Beth says excitedly. “Hey. Mind if I bring some friends?”

(ch. 6)

[sincerelyreidburke]

i know this is quinnamon roll's theatre time here rn, but how does he get on with the other cricket children rhododendron and rat boy? was Nando nervous to introduce them? what do rhododendron and ratatouille think of quinnjamin?? (idk why i cant just use their names tbh sorry)

My friend, forgive me! This response to your ask has been slightly delayed. But now is a good time to reiterate that, as a PSA, if you send me an ask, I will answer it— even if that doesn’t happen right away. The way I sort through my inbox isn’t exactly arbitrary, because I do try to go from oldest to newest, but sometimes I’ll get several asks about the same concept or character, and I’ll decide I want to space them out a little.

Anyway. That was just an aside. This ask covers a generally broad cricket topic, so let’s start out the week on a wholesome note.

(This came in during a Quinn Theatre Hours session, which is context for the qualifying sentence. And feel free to ask me anything about the crickets!)

First of all, I seriously appreciate your inability to use their actual names. It’s a big mood. I’m sort of getting ahead of myself on the answer to your question here, but Rhodey does exactly what you did in your ask with Quinn all the time. As in, he can’t call him Quinn. He’s Q, or Quinnothy, or Quinnjamin, or His Royal Highness Sir Quinnington III, et cetera. Mostly, he’s just Q. But Rhodey is a goofball, and he gives him random not-names constantly.

Anyway, let’s backtrack a little, because there’s a thorough answer in store for your question.

Before he and Quinn actually become official, Nando has talked about Quinn to Rhodey and Touille. This starts early, probably on the night they meet at that Halloween party. He probably doesn’t say much right away, just that he was talking to a guy and he had a good night.

Touille doesn’t really latch onto this, because he’s not attentive when it comes to relationships. Rhodey, wingman of the century, absolutely does. Dude, when are you seeing that guy again? Did you find him on Instagram? You should ask Ford about him. What, are you gonna let a prime opportunity slip through your hands like this!???! N A N N Y. Bro. You gotta try to see him again. You guys talked for like three entire hours.

The reason Rhodey is adamant about this is: although I would absolutely not say that Nando let his failing relationship with N*te ruin his first two or so months at Samwell, he definitely let it affect him emotionally at least a little. I mean, how could he not? He was genuinely invested in making that work as an LDR, and N*te so obviously was not, so Nando was the one trying to keep the entire operation from collapsing. I don’t know why I’m making a relationship sound like a government strategy, but anyway. The point is. The only impression Rhodey has of Nando’s love live up to the point he meets Quinn is that Nando got treated like shit (and then cheated on) by his ex.

Rhodey, as his best friend, obviously thinks this sucks majorly and wants the best for Nando. So when a boy walks into Nando’s life whom Nando is obviously sweet on, Rhodey thinks he should seize the opportunity.

Anyway, that’s why Rhodey knows right away that he wants to set Quinn up with Nando for Winter Screw. And when Screw goes well, he considers it a huge win for his judgement and his best friend’s well-being.

So Nando and Quinn court. It’s soft. It’s schmoopy. They take, like, two weeks to actually become official because they’re both so useless and gay that each of them is waiting for the other to drop the will you be my boyfriend question. Finally, Quinn gets tired of ambiguity, and he just asks. Then they’re dating. And all is well.

The first time Quinn meets Rhodey and Touille is before they’re dating, but not long before that at all. Nando has talked about his friends, and he and Quinn are starting to make a habit of meeting up for some meals, so one day for lunch, he texts Quinn to come and meet him with his other freshman hockey friends.

Quinn is nervous, but Nando is more nervous. The reason Quinn is nervous is that he’s still sort of wary of jocks. Let it be known that Quinn has no deep-seeded jock trauma; he’s just a theatre kid, and the Samwell drama club in particular has reservations about the school’s athletes. Quinn is an incredibly confident person, and he’s not ashamed of himself or the things he loves to do or the way he is in the slightest. But he likes Sebastián, a whole lot, and he wants to be his boyfriend, and he knows how important his team friends are to him— so Quinn desperately wants his friends to like him. The thought of them disliking him or judging him makes him a little nervous.

(Quinn is literally that John Mulaney bit where he’s like “I need everyone to like me so much, all of the time!!!!!!!”)

Nando is more nervous, though, like I said. And the reasons are relatively similar. He wants Rhodey and Touille to get along with Quinn. Like Quinn, he is experiencing feelings of wanting to be his boyfriend. His best friends from back home did not get along with N*te, and it was a recipe for discomfort. Rhodey and Touille not liking Quinn wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for him, but it would leave him in an awkward situation, and he knows that.

He just feels so soft on him, and he wants his friends to understand how much he likes him, and how great he is.

Okay, so finally! We’ve reached the point of the post. Quinn comes to lunch. He introduces himself to them in his funny little formal way and sits down, and for the briefest, most terrifying second, Quinn realizes he brought nothing prepared for them to talk about.

And then Rhodey, because he is Rhodey, breaks the ice, and everything is uphill from there.

Rhodey gets along with people easily, and so does Nando. Touille may be a little more introverted, but he feeds off of their energy, and it makes their trio socially effective. So the conversation over lunch is animated and enjoyable, because the three crickets already work so well on their own, and they welcome Quinn right into the fold perfectly.

Once Rhodey and Touille learn they’re actually, officially dating, they’re well pleased. Because they like Quinn.

Now. In general? I want to talk a little about Rhodey and Quinn’s dynamic, because it’s priceless. They get along very well, to the point where Rhodey has a genuine friendship with Quinn that exists outside of Nando. Oh, sure, it’s based in the fact that Nando is dating Quinn, but the two of them just get along. They team up to organize for Nando’s birthday, bond over queer culture stuff (Rhodey and Quinn force Nando to watch Drag Race and it’s the best), share music recommendations, and just generally vibe. When Rhodey starts his secret undercover drag queen thing, Quinn is his costumer and also his makeup artist. Because apparently that’s a thing.

Alsooooooo Rhodey has emotional venting hours to Quinn when he’s being Angsty about a certain dumb Canadian rat boy.

Also, Rhodey is the king of chirping. He does a hilarious Quinn impression over team breakfast when Nando is being roasted for being a simp, and he does the refusal to call him by his actual name thing that we discussed above.

The four of them hang out all the time. I’ve mentioned briefly that Quinn is to the crickets as Farmer is to the frogs, and that’s absolutely true. The three crickets hang out on their own plenty, of course, but when Quinn tags along, there’s nothing awkward about it. Like, Rhodey and Touille aren’t the kind of friends who are like ugh, he always brings the person he’s dating around. Because the person Nando is dating is also their friend.

They do go clubbing together. I’m not even sorry about it. They’ll all cram themselves into Quinn’s tiny room and pregame while they get ready. “Why don’t they use Rhodey and Nando’s room, Mel?” Because the clubbing doesn’t start until their sophomore year, when Rhodey and Nando both live in the Haus in separate rooms, and they’re avoiding Captain Whiskey trying to be discreet.

The point is: Rhodey and Touille love Quinn, and he loves them right back. There’s no room for friends-clashing-with-boyfriend angst in Nando’s story.

Also, this is very much a found-family thing for Quinn, because his sister is the only actual family he has, and she’s far away. In Nando, and by extension in his friends, Quinn finds a home.

Thank you for the ask! :D

[13eyond13]

Comparing Manga!Near to Anime!Near

Sure! I actually found Near’s character very wooden and boring the first time I watched the anime, and then was very pleasantly surprised at how interesting and full of personality he seemed when I read the manga later, so I think comparing Near’s character in both sources is a great idea. I’ll outline the major differences I found between them below.

(This post is using the official English translation of the manga and the English subtitles from Netflix for the screenshots, by the way):

1. MELLO AND NEAR’S PERSONALITIES AND MOTIVES ARE DIMINISHED IN THE ANIME’S VERSION OF THE WAMMY’S CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK:

This is a scene that was changed slightly in the anime, and at great detriment to both Mello and Near’s characters and the audience's immediate understanding of them, I think. When we are first introduced to these two in the manga it shows a few panels of Mello being a bully at Wammy’s who gets right into the center of the action, and Near being a loner who is invited to participate but prefers to do puzzles by himself:

The anime begins directly at their meeting with Roger in the office, so we know nothing about how these two normally behave at the orphanage or how their peers perceive them / interact with them:

When asked to work together Mello refuses and explains to Roger that he and Near have always been at odds. The manga shows a flashback to Mello studying very hard to surpass Near's scores and always failing to do so, which sets up his inferiority complex and his strong work ethic. It also shows Near being surrounded by admiring students, which indicates he was probably well-liked despite being a loner, and shows that he’s very competent, the most successful student in the school:

 The anime simply has Mello say that they've always been at odds and competing with each other. Mello describes himself as overly emotional and Near as logical and cool-headed, and then they just leave it at that.

It isn’t until much later in the anime -- after the kidnapping, when Light finally finds out about Wammy’s -- that the difference in Near’s and Mello’s academic ranking is even mentioned at all:

I think the manga gives a much better sense of the successors’ personalities and motives right away than the anime does. All we see in the anime is that Near seemingly doesn't give a shit about L's death, nor care much about how the successor choice is made, and that Mello is temperamental and thinks that since Near’s unemotional he will be able to better solve the Kira case. I remember finding Near extremely cold and wooden the first time I watched it, because his reaction to L’s death is so callous, and none of that other stuff about him was shown or explained.

2. THE SPY IN THE SPK IS TAKEN OUT OF THE ANIME STORYLINE:

In the manga once the NPA Director is kidnapped by the mafia Near starts to suspect there is a mole in the SPK who would've leaked their plans to the kidnappers (which there is, Ill Ratte):

In the anime Ratte's role as the spy was cut out of the storyline altogether, so Near just immediately figures it out and then orders his FBI agent to cooperate with Soichiro:

I’m guessing they cut that spy bit out of the anime due to time constraints, but Near being betrayed by one of his employees and being shrewd enough to suspect it adds an extra little layer of vulnerability and sympathy to his character beyond just “smart, blase guy who never loses his cool.”

3. NEAR NO LONGER SUCKS AT DARTS IN THE ANIME:

The scene of Near and Light first talking on the phone and Near calling Light “L number two” is basically the same between the two sources:

Except that in the manga Near is shown to absolutely suck at darts, lol:

In the anime Near is just sitting there building a basic tower out of dice:

Little detail changes like this might not seem that consequential, but I'd argue they make all the difference; sucking at darts adds an endearing aspect to Near beyond just “humourless successor of L who sits around playing with toys a lot.”

I love it because it seems like exactly the opposite of what you'd expect them to show in order to get the audience on his side and believing he's L's super-competent successor, you know? It made me laugh and feel affectionate toward him in the manga, because he looks so dang serious about it; plus I love that he sticks with it for so long despite clearly not being very good!

*(side note: Tumblr’s image uploader glitched out at this point, so unfortunately the rest of the post won’t have any visuals, apologies:)*

4. THERE IS NO “WAS HE EATING CHOCOLATE?” SCENE IN THE ANIME:

Near never detains Sayu and Soichiro after the kidnapping to interrogate them in the anime, so sadly we don’t get that hilarious little manga moment where he deduces it was Mello behind the kidnapping because of the sound of him eating chocolate over the phone. 

5. NEAR’S RESPONSE TO THE SPK DEATH SEEMS LESS EMOTIONAL IN THE ANIME:

His reaction to most of the SPK getting murdered is different in anime, and I would argue he comes off much less sorrowful or shaken by the deaths. He seems pretty matter-of-fact about it, and almost like he'd predicted and planned for it to happen that way. The main emotional reaction we see is his dice tower falling and his face looking intense/angry. 

In the manga Near is caught off-guard by the deaths; he laments that he didn’t find the spy in the SPK before it was too late, and then he says to Light: “I was somewhat prepared for this the moment YOU gave the notebook away to the kidnappers, but it sure does hurt.” He is shown looking very sad about it. Light asks Near to share information, and Near has to deliberate for a while internally about whether he wants to trust Light with any information about Mello or himself before he agrees.

In the anime Near calmly predicts the deaths right before they happen, then tells Light that they died, then says: “L, you helplessly handed over the notebook.” Light asks him if he would have done anything differently if he was in charge, and Near says: “No, with that kind of preparation it would’ve been taken either way. There’s no point in us arguing. Let’s help each other and tell each other what we know. I have some idea of who the culprit may be.” MUCH LESS EMOTIONAL, and a bit overly willing to immediately volunteer information about Wammy’s and Mello to Light.

6. NEAR COMFORTING AND INFORMING THE SPK ABOUT MELLO AFTER THEY ARE DISBANDED BY THE GOV’T IS CUT OUT OF THE ANIME:

In the manga Near spends a good deal of time explaining Mello’s thought process to his team and warning them about his dangerousness before they ever meet up with him. He tells Halle in particular to watch out, because he believes Mello will target her home because she’s the most vulnerable, and then says to whole group: 

“If you’re scared, you don’t have to participate. But please don’t leave the headquarters. I’m scared, so I’m not going to go outside.” 

This display of thoughtful consideration for his team’s feelings and safety and his honesty about his own fears is not shown at all in the anime, as it skips directly from the news of the SPK being dissolved to Mello breaking into Halle’s apartment and taking her hostage to the SPK HQ.

7.  NEAR SEEMS A LITTLE MORE EXCITED BY MELLO’S ARRIVAL IN THE MANGA THAN HE DOES THE ANIME:

And there was a more in-depth explanation given in the manga about why he continued to defend Mello and sympathize with him. But even so, I would say these scenes are for the most part very similar between the two sources. The anime did a great job adding some lovely stained-glass visuals behind the boys and such here, too!

8. THERE IS NO SCENE OF NEAR AND MELLO WORKING TOGETHER TO QUESTION MOGI IN THE ANIME:

This is a real shame, because it’s basically the most fun interaction these two have and the closest they get to collaborating in a personal way after their dramatic reunion at the HQ (even though it could also be seen as Mello just attempting to taunt/use Near, but Near doesn’t seem to take it that way). Near’s interactions with Mogi and Mello are weirdly cute in this scene, as he often compliments them on their impressiveness and such, so it’s too bad that the anime chopped it out!

9. THE ANIME PUTS A MORE POSITIVE SPIN ON NEAR AND MELLO’S COLLABORATION AGAINST KIRA:

It’s left very ambiguous in the story if Mello was trying to save Near or beat him by kidnapping Takada. The manga takes a typically unsentimental view of Mello’s intentions, and the anime takes a more hopeful view of them.

In the the manga, Near says this: “I find it hard to believe that Mello thought that far ahead. But I am sure that he was always trying to get ahead of me. And that’s not all. Even if he didn’t surpass me, Mello always said that he was going to be number one, and that he was going to be better than me and L. But I always knew I would never be able to surpass L. It could be that I lacked the action and he lacked the calm; and even though we couldn’t surpass the one we admired on our own, together we can stand with L. Together we can surpass L.”

In the anime, Near says this: “I believe Mello knew in his heart that alone we aren’t able to reach our goal, to surpass L. But together... together we can stand with L. Together we can surpass L!”

10. NEAR’S PHILOSOPHICAL SPEECH IN THE WAREHOUSE IS CUT OUT OF THE ANIME:

It’s probably my favourite thing he says in the entire manga, so that’s too bad! He says it in response to Light’s passionate Kira monologue.

In the manga, after Near shuts Light down, Light says: “Near, you're wrong. I'm the icon of justice now.”

Near replies: “You may be right. I'm no different than you. I believe in what I think is right, and believe that to be righteous. Nobody can tell what is right and what is wrong, what is righteous and what is evil. Even if there is a god, and I had his teachings before me, I would think it through and decide if that was right or wrong myself.”

I loved getting these little deeper thoughts from Near in the manga; it made him come off less cold and uncaring and more human and insightful to me.

11. NEAR HAS A PLAN TO LOCK LIGHT UP FOR LIFE IN THE MANGA THAT ISN’T MENTIONED IN THE ANIME:

When Light tries to stall for time by attempting to tempt Near into testing the Death Note, in the manga Near replies:

“Light Yagami. Kira. I have no plans to kill you. I really don't care if the notebook is real or not anymore. From the very beginning, my goal was to capture Kira. All I want is for everything to become clear and for Kira to be captured. You're as good as arrested now, and I'll confiscate the notebook Mr. Aizawa has. That should be enough. And I will not announce Kira's arrest or the existence of the notebook to the public. I believe that everybody here can keep that secret. I'll take full responsibility for locking you up in a place where nobody will find you until you die."

I find this both refreshing and scary, because it shows Near’s definitely not doing this for his own glory or his ego (like Mello and L might), but it’s also a very ruthless and scary side of Near that adds a lot of spice to his character! I can’t imagine much of a worse fate for Light than that had Ryuk not gotten to him first, yikes.

12. THE EPILOGUE CHAPTER IS LEFT OUT OF THE ANIME:

In which Matsuda and Ide speculate about Near possibly “cheating” with the Death Note (aka being behind Mikami messing up with checking for tampering and dying in prison ten days later and such). Near is shown doing well as the new L, playing with toys and eating some of Mello’s trademark chocolate and collaborating with the NPA on their new work. Which is nice!

So in conclusion to this massive post, I would say that most of the characters in the second half of the story kinda got shafted by the anime because of how the plot was condensed; it didn’t help that the animation portrayed the subtler characters like Near in a less dynamic/expressive way than the original manga art did, either. Despite what it may sound like, I do love the anime a heck of a lot, but I think people will probably miss out on a lot of Near’s charm if they never get to experience the original manga version of him, as well!

[laraslandlockedblues]

Ok actually I know the tags on my gif post I just did said I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but I’m feeling strangely articulate tonight so here we go. Long-winded under the cut.

TL;DR - Real life is (and will continue to be) a busy bitch, a writer’s ego is a fragile thing, and my Lightning Struck series (Cullen/Evelyn) can now be considered on indefinite hiatus.

Hi! Yes, I’m alive and well and I really do appreciate the messages asking if I was all right and checking on me. You’re all too sweet and kind, and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. Keep that in mind as this ramble continues, please.

This has been a weird year already, and it’s only March. Normally I’d be like “IT’S ALREADY MARCH?!” but no, this year...It’s only March. That’s how I’ve been feeling.

January started off with a weird mood for me. Over the holidays I had the usual  family stress and blahness that comes with adulthood, but a few fandom things happened too that put me into a rather...difficult headspace, shall we say. For one thing, I will say I’ve noticed I’m not the only one who’s pointed out that it feels like the fandom is dying. And it is. Which is sad. I feel like I only just got here - I’ve played DA for years but I only really started to interact with its fandom in late 2017, so for me it was still all fresh and new and exciting. Seeing that die down, compounded with the Tumblr wank, especially, was really disappointing.

As a creator, too, it was hard not to take that personally. It was hard not to take people moving on to other fandoms and interests and things as an indictment on my work. Rational brain knew that that was the problem, rational me knew that we were all just moving on because other things were catching our interest. It’s natural. But dumb, idiot writer brain was struggling with the fact that I was feeling like I was screaming into the void.

What bothered me more was that I even cared. I never once wanted to care about that. I always preach writing for oneself, and that’s why I write. But I hated  the fact that for a time I’d gotten so much feedback that I noticed its absence when it died down a little. And that’s not anyone’s fault, I’m not begging for comments or feedback, seriously. Again, rational me was shrugging and still wanted to write for me because it was fun and I enjoy it, but the fragile writer ego we all carry around inside us took a hit and began to doubt.

It stopped being fun. Especially because it wasn’t necessarily a total lack of feedback - it was, for me, a lack of feedback on what I was actually, currently working on. Over the holidays for some reason I began to get comments on WIPs that I hadn’t updated in ages - asking me for updates. Now, everyone has their own opinion on those sorts of comments, so this is only my own, and take it with a grain of salt and everything I just mentioned above.

It sucked. It absolutely, 100% sucked. Seeing the email notification that I got a comment would bring me so much joy - only to open it to see that it was a comment on something I hadn’t written for in a long time asking me when I’d feel like providing more content for that fic again. I began to feel like fic was a transaction and I was piling up debts. I started to feel like I owed fandom and readers what they wanted, instead of doing this for the reason I started in the first place - for myself.

I know that Rylen is niche. I know that fics that have very little to do with canon are niche. I know that Abby isn’t always super likable. I know that John is off-putting because he’s such a morally ambiguous OC who has nothing to do with DA and makes really shit decisions. I know all of that, and I’ve never expected any of those fics to get any sort of response, so the fact that they’ve gotten the response that they have still blows my mind and makes me insanely, insanely happy. And so I hated that I felt ungrateful, and that I was doubting my work, and that writing and fandom was beginning to feel like a labor and not something I loved.

The more I noticed I was struggling with working on updates, the more I started to think a break might be in order. When some RL stuff finally cropped up, the fact that I was sort of forced into a break was a blessing in disguise, to be honest. I leaned into the skid and let myself step back to reevaluate why I do this and what I want to get out of it. I fell into a new fandom and worked on random pieces of writing for it, which I threw into the voids of ao3 on a second account and only shared for myself and a few friends who were also falling into that fandom with me. I rediscovered the joy of writing and not caring what response I get. I reignited my love of crafting a story a certain way because I wanted to and not because I thought it was where anyone else thought it should go.

I remembered why I love writing in the first place - for myself.

And with that, I finally began to let go of some things, and let myself mull over decisions I’d been putting off or avoiding. I shrugged off the stress of expectation and “owing” anyone my time or effort, and I’m finally back to enjoying myself and my writing, free of doubt.

With that, I have some news, good and bad. The bad news first - my Cullen muse has left the building. I have waited, and hoped, and tried, but at some point he walked out the door and he hasn’t made an appearance since. That isn’t to say that I don’t still love his character or content about him, but personally, I can no longer write his POV or romance. The ability to do so has eluded me for months now, but I’ve accepted this sad truth at long last. Unless he’s trading banter with Rylen or Abby, his muse is no longer whispering in my ear. And that makes me sad, and for all I know he’ll reemerge some day, ready to help me write again. For now, though, that isn’t possible. Which does, unfortunately, mean that my Cullen/Evelyn WIPs are currently either abandoned or on an indefinite hiatus (I’ve tagged them appropriately on ao3 if you’re curious). If I do manage to return to them, I expect to only focus on Moments Passed and Miss Grey. As for what I’ll do about Beautiful Disaster...I’m not quite certain yet.

It did also mean that I was able to let go of something that had bothered me for a while as well. I’m almost positive no one noticed since it’s been kind of off radar for a while, but - my fic What Are the Odds has been orphaned. I’m still proud of it as a fic, but it came with a lot of baggage and my Cullen/Evelyn pairing was just ever so slightly OOC to the point that comments on it made me cringe. I’m a firm believer in not deleting, and so off to the fandom as an orphaned work it went, to be enjoyed without me having to be aware of it at all.

Now, the good news is - I do 100% still plan on writing Abby/Rylen. Their muses are still there and whispering to me, and I definitely want to continue working on the WIPs I have for them. At the moment After Rain might be slow to update (need to figure out how I’m navigating some canon plot to get me from point A to B to C to D and on). But I plan on trying to finish it as well as the others that I have for them. Abby/Ry live on, because I absolutely love them so much, and the idea of writing for them is back to bringing me joy.

I cannot make guarantees on update speed for the foreseeable future, possibly for the rest of the year. Currently RL continues to be a shitshow, as I was reminded today, and writing more than a sentence here or there has been difficult. In a few months I will also be moving, and once at my new destination I actually have a Big Project (a writing one I hope to be able to share here, if people are still around/Tumblr is still a thing) that I intend to make my full time focus. My goal has always been to be a writer, and while fanfic has been an amazing way to explore my writing style/storytelling/character voice, I have plans to get published. I’ll have a better opportunity to put those plans into realistic action later this year, which I’m actually really, insanely excited about.

If you have made it this far, THANK YOU. I love this fandom, and I’ve met so many wonderful, lovely, supportive, talented people in it and I have missed you all dearly during my time away. In no way was this a call out post directed at anyone in particular, and in no way was this a “woe is me, please give me attention” cry for help. I’ve just had a lot of thoughts and feelings during this break, and I actually wanted to sort of vocalize them because: 1) wow I already feel better after doing so, and 2) to let other writers know it’s 100% valid to need to take a break or occasionally get in your head about needing validation/feedback/wonder why we do this when it just feels like screaming into a fathomless void. It’s natural and normal and totally human, and if you’re feeling that way, find someone supportive to help you through and take a step back. Everything will be waiting there for you when you’re ready for it. And remember - do it for yourself because it’s something you enjoy.

xx

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

23 | Which Doctor?

Elijah

~

Three days easily became seventy two hours by the trillionth of a second without a doubt. If it weren't for my bouts of paranoia, maybe I would've continued taking my Xanax. Either way the gander went, Sanaa left no trace for me to sniff up. Unlike every other epoch with her, she had vanished with no intentions of ever contacting me again. And how? Sanaa was a character of few. She disappeared whenever she saw fit for ridiculous reasons but she would always make it her duty to put up those little white flags of parley, as if to say "I'm sorry. Im okay, again."

Like standing outside of her house at 2 o'clock in the morning. I mean, of course she knew I would show up eventually, right?

Or even answering the door with only a measly little robe on and her hair tied. Come on. She would've only known it would be me waiting at the door.

But that was then...and this is now.

Today marks the second day out of three that I've paced ridiculously around the pond. I'd seen her maybe once or twice accompanied by a group of girls including my sister cuddled up against some pregnant broad. That was her. Gay as hell.

I hadn't shaven since Sanaa left and I was going on maybe two or three hours worth of sleep; of course I couldn't muster the courage to approach her unceasing radiance in such matters. I was a mess. That and I was a pussy. Maybe even a little slither of a creep. I'd met her across from a tree for two days on end. Then I'd lie in the abyss of the tiny forest and trod home.

I didn't call in sick. Shit, I might have even been close to loosing my job.

I was always afraid. Afraid of loosing something. But again, I was a pussy so I couldn't step up to anything the way normal people did.

The ticking of the clock frightened me at night. So did the shadows of the pine trees outside. So in my mind all accounts traced to Xanax. I'd emptied them all in the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. I was a doctor for Christ's sakes. Everyone knew Xanax was the number one cause of Paranoia.

But then I'd have these strange night terror's of Esther. She was naked. Holding her stomach. That's really all. Nothing gruesome. Nothing gory. Nothing too thought provoking. But they'd continued constantly throughout the night and it felt like she was looking at me. Like she was saying "Why, Elijah? You let him kill me."

I cut myself a few times.

But then again, I was a bit too pussy to let myself bleed out completely.

So I just sat and stared at the blood until I was able to shut my thoughts up enough to watch friends and drink a cup of chamomile tea.

Still didn't clean up the iota of blood.

On the third day, I had awoken to the scowl of my mother peering down on me.

"The fuck is all this blood doing on the coffee table."

Good thing my arms were covered. I had them crossed.

"What are you even doing here?" I clipped, honestly wondering how the fuck she got in my house.

"Your father and I wanted to get the family together for a family reunion."

I grimaced in confusion. We hadn't been to a family reunion in years. Not since dad was caught in the bathroom with momma's sister. Bad year.

"Family reunion?" I repeated.

"Yes. You. Your siblings. Me and your dad."

"Wait, how did you-"

"Get up. We're going bowling."

Alright. Maybe I needed to get out the house anyway.

_______________

The car ride was bountifully silent. Rosie was connected to her walkman as was T.J. to his gameboy. Dad was driving. Mom was nuts and also reading a magazine.

"What kind of family reunion are we talking? Are we going out of town or something?"

"Don't be silly, Eli. It's a stay-cation." She smiled proudly lifting the words out of her mouth just as she'd lifted it out of a Marie-Claire issue.

"Stay-cation." I mouthed.

I tried not thinking about Esther or Sanaa during the bumpy car ride but it was nearly impossible. They both knew Rosie but only one of them had the likings of my mom. Even I didn't have that.

After strolling into the alley like a pack of unattached neanderthals, my dad bought our tickets, we settled into our shoes and finally let the bowling begin.

T.J. was an entire clit when it came to bowling. He sucked ass and that was final. Although Titus and I barely had a sliver of a relationship since well, ever, we rekindled whatever we didn't have during the slop shod bowling night.

"You're a twat."

"And you, my friend, have spent way to much fucking time in Europe."

"That's enough you two..." My mother scolded. "Make way for mama."

"Mama, why do you have on a tennis hat?" I asked.

"Exactly. This isn't tennis...and we're inside."

All of us, even daddy, laughed at each other.

"Oh, hush. You have to get in the game," Mama began, readying herself to roll the ball, only to score perfectly knocking down all of the pins. "To beat the game."

It was too perfect. All of us were getting along even if it was all fake and phony. However, something seemed off.

Rosie was glued to her Nokia.

Which was odd even for her. Rosie was never one to kiss up to Dinah. But moments like these when everyone was getting along was like golden ice cream for her. She inhaled it like someone would take it soon. Which was true. This little family stay-cation wasn't playing for keeps. Pretty soon, dad and mom would be at their adversary's and the house would be empty as it always is.

But this was probably the first summer we had all took part together.

Something had to be wrong with her.

"Rosetta," I called, hoping to get a reaction out of her. However, I didn't. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"Well mom and dad are getting along pretty well."

She shrugged, tapping her fingers against the metal screen.

"Rose. What's going on? You haven't even put your shoes on."

"I figured why would I? All of this is fake anyway."

"Yeah but...they're trying-"

"Then tell them to try harder...it's a little too late for that shit."

What the hell was eating her up? I figured it had something to do with that short, pregnant chick from down by the water.

"How's your love life so far?" I probed.

She looked at me, pausing what she was doing.

"Since when have you ever cared about my love life?"

"I know that you're fucking insane for not bowling with me. And I know it ain't no nigga that's got you buggin' like this."

She chuckled which made me smile. I got her to laugh.

"You're right. I guess I need to put this thing down for a while."

"As you should." I agreed, remembering how just a few hours ago I was too punk to kill myself. "So who's got your boxers in a twist?"

"I'll let you know as soon as they deliver your panties. Extra small, right?"

"Very funny." I chided, nudging her slightly.

"Well, you remember the girl I brought to the funeral?" She asked.

Maybe I would've heard her if it weren't for my withdrawals. I noticed a woman with fat brown hair and a 70s halter top skating towards the restrooms. It had to be Sanaa. So I did the creepiest thing anyone could do. I followed her. And I waited outside the bathroom door until she walked out revealing the same hair but a different face. So I smiled, hoping to match her gaze of derision.

She snarled, dismissing herself.

Fuck. I really needed to take some more Xanax.

I lingered over towards the rest of the family before anything could get any more wicked than it already was. I should've known my dad would strike up a conversation exactly when I didn't want or need any of it.

"You gettin' along fine?" He asked, hinting towards my sex life since Esther's death.

"Yes dad." I replied.

No. No the fuck I did not plan on explaining my sex life to my dad post the death of my first wife. Nope. I didn't want to blame it on Sanaa, the sweetheart by day and woman by night who also showed up at Esther's funeral. Not that my dad would have remembered or anything. But Sanaa was certainly packing something behind her. I'm sure my dad was the first to see it.

All that and then some.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, dad. Sure as sure can be."

I knew he'd go ahead with whatever lecture he could find through the files of his mind. He'd talk about strength, prosperity, the male's position in the household and how it should be fulfilled and if it isn't fulfilled to go find it somewhere else. How money was the answer to all things.

All that and then some.

But I could give a rats ass. I needed a clear up. Yeah. A clear up.

The reason I was in this mess in the first place had nothing to do with Esther's death. It was the ambiguity of the cyanide that had me fucked and I couldn't live with myself. Kylo was a snake and I'd been pushing the mere thought of his name in the trenches of mind since the night I found out about her death.

If he had anything to do with Cyanide that killed her all ties would link back to me. My fingerprints were on all of the materials I'd given him. One of the reasons why I kept my mouth shut. That and...well...priorities haven't really been one of the main things on my list.

"Are you hearing me?"

"...Yeah. Yeah dad. I hear you, listen I wanted to ask you something,"

"Why, yes. Go ahead."

Wow. Wow. Here goes. If I had an opioid monitor it'd be beeping the hell out of this place right now.

I needed the strongest cocaine you could give. I was about to get as close as truth could get me. And honestly, now was the first time I had even thought of the truth since well, I can't date back that far.

"You can clear things up...in the system. Right dad?"

"Well, I suppose. What sort of things?"

Homicide.

"Certain things that only you could do. Sort of like...my doctorate. You made that happen, why not anything else."

"You didn't get somebody pregnant did you?"

"No!" I lied.

Who knows about anything these days. Maybe if Sanaa would answer the god damn phone I'd be one educated mother fucker.

"Well, let's talk then."

It was then that I realized Esther had possessed me that day. Her boldness wore into me. Finally I had a backbone.

Happy was what happy wasn't. And I wasn't.

Happy.

[sidewritings]

Tiny Side Adventures: Prologue

Inspired by this post. Also, check out this version of events by tinysidestrashcaptain.  Sincerest thanks to romananalogicality for the idea, it’s a lot of fun, even if it did grow beyond what I thought it would be.

Pairings: None

Genres: Tiny Sides, Fluff, Adventure, Parenting(ish)

Warnings: cursing, exposition

Word Count: 498

Author’s Note: *grumbling to myself and stretching my wrists* What a nice prompt I said. It’ll be fun I said.  This will make an adorable one-shot I said. There’s no way it could turn into a multi-part series I said. *sigh*

Thomas was going to be ticked.

Roman sat on the living room floor facing the couch where Logan, Patton, and Virgil glared at him, their tiny feet unable to reach the floor.  Yeah, they weren't happy either, but he really hadn't meant to let it happen!  

Yes, he'd confiscated a bottle of magic potion from a morally ambiguous sorcerer. Yes, the bottle had looked rather ominous, he'd thought to give it to Virgil once it was empty. And yes, he may have been overtired when he'd returned from his adventure so he may have been startled when the other sides had popped up behind him to remind him they had a video to work on.

Roman put his head in his hands. He'd dropped the bottle and the potion had soaked all three of them. In moments they'd regressed to much younger versions of themselves. Roman looked up at them again.

Logan looked to be about four years old, his glasses covering almost half of his face, but the disapproving glare was so similar to the adult version it was almost effective, even with the slightly chubby cheeks.

Patton had regressed further, maybe two and a half or three years old? He'd stopped glaring at Roman and started staring at him like he'd just been told he could never play again. Oh dear Circe, his eyes were welling up and his bottom lip was quivering.

Virgil hadn't regressed as much as either of the others, he was probably five, though he looked a little older with the hoodie and makeup still on his tiny face.  His black-rimmed eyes glared at Roman enough to make the royal's insides squirm.  Got to hand it to anxiety, at any age he was still intimidating.

Nope, Thomas wasn't going to be ticked, he was going to be livid.

“I'm really sorry guys.” Roman began, “that bottle I spilled had a potion in it and,”

“No shit” muttered Virgil.

“What's shid?” asked Patton, his eyes wide, gazing at Virgil.

“And why he big?” asked Logan, also looking at Virgil now with a pout of envy.

“Virgil, no swearing, especially not in front of Patton. The potion was some kind of de-aging serum, and I think you may have regressed more or less depending on how much of the stuff came in contact with your skin.”

And, they were back to glaring at him, well, Patton was sucking his thumb and glaring at him, but still, not good.

“I'm going to find a way to fix this, I promise,” Roman continued “it may even wear off on its own, but for right now, we need to check on Thomas and see how this is affecting him, okay?”

Three little heads nodded and Roman plucked Patton off the couch, Logan and Anxiety shuffling off the couch themselves.  Grabbing ahold of their little hands as best he could, he sank them out of the mindscape and into Thomas's room.

[cadpadawan]

A Black Winter Day 4 Years Ago...pt.1

Ok, now that I have the most pressing issues off my chest, maybe it's time to shed some light on the surreal chain of events, that changed my life quite drastically back in 2016. Those weird times pretty much account for why I needed to get re-educated in the ripe old age of +45.

Oh yes, I'm old as shit – there's no two ways about it.

Maybe this jovial stroll down the memory lane will also hint, why I ended up picking up the blogging pen, after years and years of absence from the blogosphere. I'm not really sure if anyone reads blogs anymore. I'd guess not. Everybody's just too busy posting duckface selfies in Instagram, or vlogging some utter bullshit about their day in YouTube. I think maybe a handful of sad boomers, like me, still occassionally follow the rare eloquently written blog, or even administer a blog of their own. I must confess: I might be a bit pre-occupied with the idea, that the human condition may be better contemplated in written form. Although, the extremes of that condition can be expressed quite evocatively via YouTube, too. Undoubtedly. Digital platforms offer modern solutions to recording, in full detail, how fucked up we really are.

Well, anyways...let's pretend for a moment, that blogging was cool, like it was 2005 again!

Was it really cool even then, I wonder?

In hindsight, it seems that the vast majority of blogs were pushing some corporate agenda, disguised as trendy lifestyle blogs, whose main initiative was to suggest, that in order to reach the ultimate boss-level of cool, you needed to eat certain full-vegan superfoods and support certain street-smart clothes brands, while exclusively listening to a bunch of generic indie disco-rock bands, that some washed-out, has-been, good-for-nothing celebrity had cherry-picked on behalf of some unheard-of indie label CEO.

Well, a monkey dressed in casual designer clothes is still a monkey.

The year 2005 was actually one of the turning points in my life. It was almost as if some cosmic nudge pushed my life into a downward spiral in 2005. It was one of the most emotionally ambiguous times in my life. I became a dad – which scared me shitless, and at the same time, made me the happiest person in the whole wide world, for a moment. Only six months later, I experienced a severe burnout due to sleep deprivation and excessive overtime at work – and at that time, I also experienced my first epileptic seizure. Though, at the time, I didn't have a clue what it was about. First, I thought it had something to do with the burnout. It probably did. I think the burnout triggered the first seizure. It happens. I later found out, that you can have an epileptic seizure due to a number of reasons, even if you are not diagnosed with epilepsy. The kind of seizures I started having on an irregular basis, for years to come, were not convulsive – so it was pretty easy to mistake them for something else completely: stress reaction and whatnot. You see, I worked as an express courier, which qualifies as a high-stress job – hands down. I worked long hours, played in at least two active rock outfits at the same time for years on the side, tried to spend quality time with my new family...

In retrospect, I wonder now: when the hell did I have the time to get any sleep during the years 2005-2016?!?

No wonder, my memory is full of holes, concerning that time. It's all just one big hazy blur. I kind of lost the most part of those 11 years. Yeah, I unlocked all kinds of life achievements – mortgage, a son and a daughter, various music-related things – but I guess I was so busy burning my candle at both ends, that I never stopped for a second to appreciate all the little things in my life – and now I can't remember shit.

Of course, it also had something to do with my epilepsy. Any type of epileptic seizure may potentially affect the memory, either during or after the seizure. If you experience frequent seizures, memory problems are more likely to occur. Eventually, when I finally consulted a doctor and started keeping a seizure journal in the early 2016, I used to have 10-15 seizures a week, sometimes 3-4 times a day. My seizures were of the focal type that affected only part of my brain – the temporal lobe, to be exact. Abnormalities in that region are the most common reason for memory problems in people with epilepsy. One common trigger for a seizure is lack of sleep.

Focal epilepsy is a neurological condition, in which the predominant symptom is recurring seizures that affect one hemisphere of the brain. Temporal lobe epilepsy (TLE) means that the seizure starts in one of the other of the temporal lobes. My symptoms included: feelings of strong deja vu, and a rising sensation in my stomach – the so-called epigastric aura that resulted in an impromptu vomiting first few times. Most seizures were brief, lasting only few seconds – until in 2015, almost 10 years after the first episodes, I had a seizure that lasted for minutes – my first jamais vu-experience.

In psychology, jamais vu refers to the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that you recognize in some fashion, but nevertheless seems very unfamiliar – the opposite of deja vu, so to speak. It involves a sense of eeriness and the impression of seeing something for the first time, despite rationally knowing it cannot be true. In my case, it meant getting lost on my way home from the local supermarket, as if having been sucked into a sudden dementia simulation. I was driving home from the grocery store, the usual route that I had been driving for the previous eight years so far. At some point, I felt the usual signs of the epigastric aura – that slightly nauseating sensation rising in my stomach. It predicted a seizure. I was pretty accustomed to having those every now and then. Nothing to it. It usually didn't affect my ability to drive a car in the slightest. Heck, I had been driving a van for a living for years with this little nuisance. It didn't worry me one bit. It usually lasted for a few seconds, and then it was gone. An epileptic seizure is basically a disruption of the electrical communication between neurons in the brain – an uncontrolled burst of electricity. That pretty much sums up how it usually felt: a burst of something inside my head, fluctuating like a liquid for a few seconds. It felt pretty fucking weird. So, there I was, coming home from the grocery store, blasting metal in my car stereos. Then, the stomach thingy, something sparkling in my head for a moment...I guess I didn't really pay much attention to the seizure. Maybe there was some kick-ass song playing on the radio. I probably didn't realize, that the seizure had already lasted way longer then ever before. I came to a T-junction. Suddenly, I didn't have the slightest clue where the fuck I was! I was less than one kilometer from home. I turned right. Then my wife burst out wondering, what the actual fuck I was fooling around for. I should've turned left. I grinned back, as if this manouver was some spur-of-the-moment prank. I made a U-turn, and soon I was back at the same T-junction. This time I was supposed to drive straight. Guess what?

I didn't. I turned left this time.

My wife suggested, that i should maybe go and see a doctor...

Nah, I decided to wait six more months. Why not wait until I fucked up my life to a point of no return, before going to see a doctor? It became increasingly obvious, that I was in for a major life changing event. Was I subconsciously sabotaging my life, in order not to feel tempted to go back to the old ways, when the shit finally hit the fan? In April 2016, I was diagnosed with a benign tumour in the brain, which was the reason for my epileptic seizures. In the meantime, between my epic jamais vu-experience and the MRI scan that revealed that alien implant attached to the hippocampus in the right temporal lobe of my brain, I managed to fuck everything up in the most beautiful and thorough way you could imagine: my job, my marriage, everything...as if I was laying down the foundation for the oncoming midlife crisis the best I could. Well, being some sort of an artistic personality type, I can handle chaos much better than the average person. Although, I never deliberately looked for chaos, and never actually wanted to stare into the abyss, it seems that the chaos looked for me, to stare me into the eye.

I can tell you a story...

It all started on a black winter day, January or February 2016.

(To be continued...)

[jngukie]

WIP Tag

i was tagged by @floofyeol! idk if this is a blessing or a curse let’s find out.

some of these fics have been in drafts for ages? so tbh i don’t even know if i will post them but hey we’ll see. (so assume for now that none of these will be posted—except when stated otherwise with an *)

the first couple will be ships. the later ones are reader-inserts. all are still protected by the Creative Commons license.

slide it up in here: chapter 10* pairing(s): jikook, namjin, yoonseok genre: humour, crack, drama, angst tags/warnings: texting, college au, slightly filthy, innuendoes, Awkward Jeon Jungkook™, slowburn, self-esteem issues, self-hatred, implied/referenced homophobia, everyone is a mess™

SUMMARY

gguki: [image attached] gguki: what should i do with it chimothy: um chimothy: dude idk if i’m entitled to give you suggestions but chimothy: i mean you could always just stick it in the ass???????

or jungkook accidentally sends a stranger a picture of his roommate’s brand new dildo

PREVIEW

the (9)7 wonders of the world

tol: ok here’s the plan dabs 24/7: yugyeom no offence but your plans kinda suck muscle pig: ^^ what bambam said muscle pig: i don’t trust you anymore tol: wow that hurt tol: but i promise you this one will be better dabs 24/7: don’t do it kook tol: it won’t backfire in any way

untilted vhope pairing(s): vhope, namjin genre: humour, fluff tags/warnings: college au, skype dates, profanity, neurobiology/pyschology major!namjoon, ra!jin, music major!yoongi (i think), some major!hoseok, and high schooler!tae, tbh idrk bc i haven’t finished writing it lmao

SUMMARY

When Jung Hoseok signed up for college, he didn’t think he’d end up on academic probation so soon. Hell, he’d never guess he’d have friends who would use him as a fucking lab rat for their atrocious experiments. He definitely did not expect to fall in love with his resident advisor’s little brother—and then proceed to sneak into said resident advisor’s room and hack his computer just to have one more Skype date with the little brother. Without getting caught by said resident advisor. Yeah—he’s a little stressed, to say the least.

→ a continuation of It’s Burning Up in Here.

PREVIEW

He didn’t sign up for this. He thought college would be a great idea—who would pass up the opportunity for ultimate freedom and youthful stupidity? No, he was ecstatic for college—but he definitely hadn’t signed up to be the fucking victim for his resident advisor’s boyfriend’s experiments.

“Hoseok-ssi, please stay still or otherwise this will hurt. A lot,” Namjoon begged as his friend Yoongi tried to hold him down on the fragile coffee table.

“That’s not what your needle’s saying! You said it was a harmless experiment! You said I’d be fine!”

“You will be! I just need practice drawing blood once—”

“You’ve never even done this before?” Hoseok shrieked, writhing some more. Yoongi growled in frustration and flung his entire weight onto Hoseok’s body—and thus effectively snapping the legs of the coffee table and sending them down towards the floor.

His advisor ran into the room then, eyes wide in alarm while holding a skillet filled with half-cooked meat, his creased white apron reading World’s Best Dad! in pretty cursive pink. “What the hell is going on here?”

untitled taekook* pairing(s): taekook, yoonjin genre: fluff, angst, humour, crack tags/warnings: restaurant au, running away, mentions of nudity, exhibitionism, does getting caught dancing naked in your room count as exhibitionism idek, mention of mpreg, but there’s no actual mpreg, i mean it’s the sims it’s not real, many many references to the male organ, but sorry folks no smut (A/N: this is literally what i have in my docs wow i’m such a nerd for preparing ao3 tags LMAO)

SUMMARY

The last thing Jungkook expected after running away to Seoul is to score a private live viewing of Naked_Neighbour_Dancing_In_His_Bedroom.mov—and then proceed to bump into him when he’s not-so-naked. And then also manage to greet him with a slap. It also probably doesn’t help that Nude Neighbour is his new boss. All in all, Jungkook just maybe kinda wants to die. (But of course Seokjin isn’t gonna allow him, so he’s just going to suffer—for now.)

PREVIEW

He sighs, turning his head to gaze out of the window, only to freeze when he realises his view isn’t exactly the most… decent.

Because across from his small studio apartment window is a perfect view of a larger apartment in the building across, and currently, the tenant (he hopes the boy’s the tenant) is enthusiastically dancing through his room completely naked, dinglehopper fully on display. He’s mouthing the words to some song, throwing a finger up in the air as he shuts his eyes and nods his head as though the music (Jungkook thinks there’s music) blasting in his room is speaking to him on a spiritual level.

Jungkook’s face is bright red when he finally breaks out of his trance, and he wishes he wasn’t so bad at reacting appropriately to inappropriate situations so he could at least have saved himself from adding a thirty-second clip of Nude Neighbour to his collection of non-digital memories. He rushes to the window and pulls the curtains close, fingers stiff as he tries to rid his brain of such scandalous images.

At least he was hot.

His face is redder now—if that’s even possible. “Fuck me,” he whispers, and then flushes even more. “Wait, no. Don’t fuck me. That’s not what—why am I even talking to myself. Agh.”

take these words out of my lungs (and set them free) pairing(s): vmin genre: angst, fluff tags/warnings: major character death, suicide attempt, depression, body image issues, depressed!jimin, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, ambiguous original character that appears for like five seconds, high school au

SUMMARY/PREVIEW

three pounds. that’s how much he’s gained since he last stepped on the scale, the dictator that rules over his life. he stares at the numbers again, frowning at the digits glaring up at him. perhaps there was a mistake; maybe the scale is rigged or jammed or simply broken. he couldn’t have possibly gained three pounds in a span of two days. hasn’t he been walking around his neighbourhood enough?

he sighs, stepping off the scale and turning around to flush the toilet before washing his hands. even the cold water burns his skin, and he wishes he could melt through the cracks on the floor. would he slim down then? would he finally be skinny enough?

“jimin!” he hears his mother call, and he forces his way from the sink, sneaking out his parent’s bathroom and into the living room outside. their apartment is small but cozy. jimin hates it.

untitled kim seokjin* pairing(s): platonic OT7 genre: fluff, angst tags/warnings: anxiety, depression, eating disorder, negative body image perception, lapslock (lower case)

SUMMARY

honestly, he can’t remember what it’s like to live anymore.

PREVIEW

breathe in. breathe out.

three lucky charms. four cereal pieces. seven bits down the drain.

he smiles, staring at the milk-stained sink as the spoon clatters against metal, bowl turned upside down. it’s ugly—white ink staining burnt grey like liquid cobwebs feeding on rust. it looks exactly as how he feels: dirty, wasted, trash. one-seventy-nine centimetres down the drain.

untitled kim taehyung pairing(s): Kim Taehyung/Reader genre: fluff, humour, probably angst bc knowing me tags/warnings: (sor far) nudity, profanity

SUMMARY/PREVIEW

Kim Taehyung has no regrets. Sure, he probably should’ve thought twice before he spent all of his money on BIGBANG merch just to show Jungkook that yes, he’s the bigger fanboy, and sure, he definitely should’ve listened to Jimin when he warned Taehyung that no, he shouldn’t eat three whole pizza pies by himself, but that doesn’t mean he regrets any of his decisions. Even though blowing all his earnings on people he’ll never meet did cause him to starve for a good or so month.

(Thank god for ramyeon.)

So, no, Jimin, he doesn’t regret running out of the shower butt naked when he heard her singing on her way to the second floor of their co-ed dorm, doesn’t regret shouting, “I love your voice!” before she screamed, “Oh my god, you’re naked!” And he definitely doesn’t regret yelling, “Oh, shit!” into Oblivion before sprinting back into the bathroom to resume the hot shower he abandoned.

“For fuck’s sake, Taehyung,” Jimin says to him once Taehyung’s finished recounting the story, the two of them lying side by side on Jimin’s bed. “You’re going to get us kicked out.”

“I should probably say hi,” Taehyung muses, blinking at the ceiling. “Do you think she remembers me?”

Jimin glances down, and snickers. “With how small your dick is, she probably does.”

untitled park jimin pairing(s): Park Jimin/Reader genre: fluff tags/warnings: (so far) blind!reader

SUMMARY

He is an angel; and she doesn’t need to see to believe. She fathoms his widespread wings as he gently picks her up, worriedly and urgently asking for her health, voice so soft it touches her skin like silk on smooth glass. His eyes must be crinkled in the corners, a smile stuttering through apologies, heart too warm for the human hand to touch. She imagines what he looks like, faintly deciding through his rapid Korean that he must be chesnut if not vanilla, not in skin but in connotation because he sounds and smells and feels like home.

Her pause is a millennia long, and she hears him repeat himself again, the sound of melting marshmallow oozing out of beautiful lips: “Are you alright?”

She produces a smile, feathery and light, eyes glassy and the world continues to remain black. “I’m fine,” she replies, and her voice is cracked from its lack of use; she hasn’t met anyone worth talking to in what feels like a century. Another smile reappears, much strained than what she’s used to, and she picks herself up from where the concrete lay, the dust falling from her voile skirt. “No damage done.”

untitled kim taehyung #2* pairing(s): Kim Taehyung/Reader, platonic OT7 genre: fluff, angst tags/warnings: i think it’s schizophrenia?, mental illnesses, depression

SUMMARY/PREVIEW

There is a moment when time stands still. It’s fleeting, escaping the moment your fingers curl around it and pull. But it is during this moment happiness enraptures you with its warm hug as your heart thunders against your chest—the steady thump, thump, thump of a snare drum awakening. It is during this moment pain ceases to exist.

But after, everything will come rushing back.

i have more but these are the ones that are decent, at the very least.

to pass the torch on, i’ll tag @minmelly @kinky-koreans @pasteljeonggukk @haneulismykoreanname @rnjmnster and anyone else who wants to do it! (if you don’t, no pressure. good luck to you and your writing!)

[daddymenrah]

Elliot x Reader: Thank You Sir

OH YA’LL THOUGHT I WAS DONE? YA’LL THOUGHT I WASN’T GONNA POST NO VDAY NASTINESS? WELL YOU WAS WRROOOOOONNNNGGGG! 

Request: The way you write dom Elliot is just.. holy shit so good!! A fic with some heavy choking and just general rough sex would be A+ tbh

A/N: Thank you babe!!! This request was A+ tbh, love me some heavy choking and rough sex so I probably got carried away with this one. ENJOY LOVES

(This was kind of a part 2 to yes sir?? I just thought it would carry on nicely from there.)

Warnings: Breath play, rough sex, daddy/sir kink, the usual. Idrk what came over me during the creation of this particularly nasty piece.  

 Since the evening you and Elliot first had sex, things had been different. He was more comfortable around you, more open, casual touching was now something he was slowly becoming at ease with. It seemed the experience had melted away a lot of his insecurities regarding your relationship, although he was still awkward and often quiet.

 The subtle improvements were welcome ones, but your favourite improvement was the texts you’d receive from Elliot while at work.

‘Thinking about you. Come over after work.’ You would blush like a schoolgirl, and for the rest of the day he was all you could think about. No one could make you cum like Elliot did, no one could make you see stars like Elliot did, and no one could leave you in the heavenly state of satisfaction that Elliot did.

He explored different ways of tying you up, varying the kinds of knots he used and restraining you in delicious new positions. Sometimes he used toys, sometimes he simply utilized his sinfully talented mouth and hands. You’d had sex in just about every part of his apartment, minus one place. His sacred place. The place you wouldn’t dare touch, let alone have sex in.

 His computer desk.

 But there was one big problem with this unspoken restriction. The fact that it was forbidden in a sense only made you want to do it more, made you want to desecrate it, tie filthy memories all over it in the same way you had the rest of his home. However, you had no idea how to propose this to Elliot. You assumed since he’d never suggested it himself, and his protectiveness over that desk, that he would be against it.

 The part of you that deeply respected Elliot’s personal and private space was fine with it and understood, but the part of you that needed Elliot anywhere and any way you could have him desperately wanted to ignore the former. You resigned yourself to the conclusion that you’d never know until you plucked up the courage to ask.

 In fact, you were going over to Elliot’s apartment tonight. The pair of you planned on getting takeout and spending the night together. You decided you would gauge his mood, maybe ask him depending on how relaxed he seemed. It was tricky territory, and the thought of him getting mad made you nervous. You were never sure what exactly would make him angry, but you’d seen him furious before and did not want to be on the receiving end.

 *

 Your shift drags almost painfully, just as it always does when you have plans to see Elliot. You check the time obsessively, hoping a significant amount of time will have passed, until the golden hour arrives. Five o’clock. You’re a little shaky, having spent most of your time at work running over scenarios in your head of how Elliot might receive your proposition.

 Despite this, you pack up your things, stop by the employee bathroom on the way out to check your makeup, then leave the building. You spend the entire subway ride fidgeting, getting turned on at the mere thought of what was waiting for you at the end of it. Elliot has a hold on you that you’ve never experienced before. He could cross your mind innocently and have your thighs clenching.

 You left the underground and powerwalked to Elliot’s apartment. You’d dressed nicer than usual to work; you were feeling confident. Your hair done just the way that frames your face best and your favourite office outfit that fits you so well it makes your colleagues do a double take.

 Once in the lobby of his apartment building, you take your heels out of your bag and change back into them from the flats you use to commute. Only then do you ascend the stairs, ready to tempt Elliot for all you were worth. Your nerves resurface when you reach his apartment door.

 You nudge the door slightly and find it unlocked, you smile to yourself. Taking a breath, you push the door open and walk in.

“El?” You call out.

“In here.” His low voice responds. Your footsteps are slow as you approach him, to your delight, he’s seated at his desk typing away.

 You make a daring move, resting your hands on his shoulders. Hovering them above before actually placing them on him so as to warn him, to give him a chance to refuse the contact. Your chest warms at the way he leans in ever so slightly into your hands.

“Hard at work?” You ask, the smile audible in your voice.

 You see the side of his cheek pull back in a half smile. He finishes whatever it is he’s typing and turns to look up at you. You watch as his eyes rove appreciatively down your body. He wets his lips subconsciously.

“You look good.” He comments.

“I might have made a little more of an effort today.” You tease.

 “Why’s that?” To someone who didn’t know Elliot as well as you do, it would appear he hadn’t got the hint at all, but you knew he was playing along. It excited you.

“I had an important meeting today.” You smirk. He cocks an eyebrow.

“Whoever it was with was lucky.”

 You round his chair, going to stand in front of him. You lean against his desk experimentally, crossing your legs at the ankles and placing your hands behind you. You gauge his reaction, he seems more occupied by you than you touching his desk.

“He’s a pretty influential guy. Good looking too.” You explain, enjoying this little roleplay the two of you have going on.

“I’m sure he thought the same about you.” Your thighs clench at this.

 “I might have even made a move on him if the circumstances weren’t so professional.” You flirt.

“I doubt he’d have turned you down, regardless of professionalism.” Elliot’s words were such a contrast to the monotonous voice he said them in, the ambiguity of his manner of speech was strangely exciting.

 “Oh really.” You muse, uncrossing your legs so that your skirt hiked up a little. You spot the way Elliot’s hands twitch, as if resisting the desire to grab you. “Maybe I should have in that case.” You look Elliot in the eye, urging him on. He reaches out, hesitantly to begin with, then grips your thighs tightly.

 “We could get into trouble for this, Mr. Alderson.” You whisper.

“I don’t fucking care.” He growls, his arousal bringing on the dominant persona he adopted during all your sexual altercations. His hands are trailing up your thighs, maintaining an intense gaze on your body at all times. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

 “All fucking day.” You groan. His blunt nails suddenly dig into your skin.

“I don’t appreciate that kind of language from my employees.”

“I’m sorry sir-“

“Get on your knees and show me you’re sorry.”

 It’s almost as though his words control your body rather than your own decisions; you slip down from the desk onto your knees. You undo the button on Elliot’s pants, unfastening them eagerly. His half-hardened dick comes free, right into your waiting hands. You waste no time in putting him between your lips, tasting his intoxicating flavour.

  As your head rises and falls on his groin, you catch sight of the way he white-knuckles the arm rests of his chair, short breaths escaping his lips as you suck.

“Mm fuck.” He groans, wrapping his fingers in your hair, ruining its perfect style. But you couldn’t care less, you want him to ruin you tonight.

 Just as you’re speeding up your rhythm, he yanks you off him and throws you to the floor. You’re a little disorientated, but unhurt. You know Elliot would never cause you harm.

“Get the fuck up.” He orders you. You do so, with an obedient ‘yes sir’. “Sit on my dick.”

 You had to restrain yourself from clapping with glee, you were going to fuck Elliot in his computer chair. It was a little ridiculous, but it was your dream come true. You hike your skirt up, then move to pull your panties to the side but Elliot stops you.

“Did I tell you to do that yet?”

“No sir. Sorry sir.”

 You rest your hands either side of his keyboard, trying to catch a glimpse of what he’s doing in the reflection of the dark computer screens. He feels up the globes of your ass, before pulling your panties down.

“Step out of them.” You comply. “Now take a seat.” Again, you comply.

You lower yourself oh so slowly down onto Elliot’s cock, clenching your walls around him. They were so slick that he slid in with virtually no trouble, the pair of you moaning in unison. He pulled you back, left hand tight on your chin and the other sliding up, under your shirt to grope your breasts.

 “What do you say?”

“Thank you sir.”

 His left hand dragged from your chin down to your throat, and your heart began to race with excitement, you knew what he was about to do.

“Move.” He murmurs in your ear, and you do just that. You begin to bounce on his cock and his hand tightens around your neck.

 When you go down, he thrusts up, creating a deliciously forceful friction against your g-spot every time, within minutes you’re already close to cumming. From your vantage point, every time you go down you’re able to catch a glimpse of Elliot’s face in the screen. His expression when in the throes of passion is fucking stunning. His furrowed brows, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth, his eyes watching you relentlessly.

 And that’s when your mind flashes with an image that sends a metaphorical lightbulb dinging above your head.

“Sir, can I ask you something?” You say breathlessly, struggling a little to get your words out with his grip so tight around your throat.

“Anything.” He exhales heavily, continuing to thrust into you with unforgiving force.

 “Can I… Can I turn the camera on?” You ask, nearly whispering. Elliot’s pace falters, your request obviously taking him off guard.

“You know how I feel about that stuff, Y/N.” Elliot growls, still not stopping. You do know. He reminds you every time you hint at sending him dirty pictures. But he doesn’t know how you feel.

 “I know it’s dangerous, but just think. You’re all alone, I can’t stay over and you’re horny. You just have to turn your computer on, press play and you can watch yourself fu- screwing me.” You must sound ridiculous, bargaining with him in such a strained voice, crying out between words.

 You can’t tell if he’s mad, in agreement or what, he just continues fucking you. His dick sending your cunt into overdrive. You’re painfully oversensitive at this point, your climax coming very soon. And this could be the pushing point.

“Sir, don’t you want to get me cumming all over your dick on camera?”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, turn it on right fucking now.”

 Elliot’s voice is a mixture of frustration and desperation, reaching around you to turn the monitor on and get the camera software up. You help him out, ripping the piece of tape covering the camera off and clicking record.

“Now you better cum harder than you’ve ever fucking cum before. Give daddy a show.” He mutters, he sounds so furious and it only serves to turn you on more.

 Enough to send you spiraling into the hardest fucking orgasm you’ve ever had in your life. All Elliot’s rules for this encounter go out of the window.

“Holy fucking shit!” You scream as you squirt cum all over his lap.

“Just like that you dirty, little slut.” Elliot snarls, his hand returning to it’s rightful place around your throat.  

 “I’m your dirty, little slut, daddy.” You cry, actual tears rolling down your cheeks from the intensity of your elation.

“That’s fucking right. You want daddy’s cum now?”

“Yes please. Please daddy, shoot your cum inside my pussy.” You encourage him, rocking backwards and forwards on his cock for friction.

 Suddenly, Elliot grip on you becomes painfully tight, making you choke. You can feel his fingertips bruising your tits.

“Ah fucking take it.” He cries out, hips pistoning into you erratically. You can feel him emptying himself inside you, painting your walls creamy white.

 You manage to recover enough to click the stop button on the recording. You sigh in satisfaction, leaning back against Elliot.

“Regret it?” You joke.

“I’ll decide once I’ve watched it.” He chuckles.

[sangsanghaebwa]

Who Cares? (M)

Genre: Smut, fwb!Jimin, university!Jimin, fluff Word count: 2773 Description: You wouldn’t change what you have with Jimin for anything, the only problem is putting it in words. Author’s note: It’s been a while since I posted anything, but I read some really nice comments and messages yesterday and finally got inspired to finish something. Like always, I’m not sure if I managed to convey the feelings I had while writing, but I hope you’ll enjoy it nonetheless.

!Edited, because I wasn’t content with the original version. ><

You felt full and perfectly stretched, body slick with sweat and mind foggy, but a smile on your face, matching Jimin‘s one, as he was moving his hips, ramming into you and driving you towards the edge again. You tried to keep quiet for the sake of people next-door, but Jimin always had some sick satisfaction of seeing you embarrassed in front of your neighbors. He thrust just that little bit harder, angling his hips upwards and prying a stretched out whine from your lips. ‘Two could play this game’, you thought as your palms caressed down his muscular back and squeezed his ass, pulling him impossibly close and getting a choked out groan from the handsome man.

Suddenly his hands were gripping your waist even tighter, as the room span for a second, leaving Jimin smirking underneath you, his thrusts into you not faltering.

“Ride me, babe.”

His voice sounded husky and fucked out and you had to push the thoughts of ‘how is he so perfect’ from your head. You leaned to his face, all but swallowing his wide smile, his lush lips more than eager to meet yours in a wet, messy kiss. You could feel your breasts molding against his hard chest, your nipples hard from arousal, as you grind your hips on his dick, slick sounds giving you the idea of how wet exactly Jimin could make you. One of Jimin’s hands sneaked between your bodies to grope your breast, as the other mimicked your earlier work and settled on your ass, to bring you closer and to steady your frantic rhythm, since he could feel you were already close.

“Come on, make a mess on my dick with your cum, the thought of my dick all slick with your juices makes my balls hard.”

You settled for moaning into his neck, leaving wet, sloppy kisses and bites there. Jimin knew exactly how to play to your dirtiest fantasies, and he knew you didn’t need much incentive, after he got you all wound-up with his tongue before.

“Jiminnie! Fuck-“

Your voice was muffled by his skin, and even without seeing his face you could imagine his content smile, feeling your pussy clamping on his dick, your cum dripping down his base.

You felt grateful that he let you just lay there for a moment and come back to your senses, but you were aware of how uncomfortable Jimin must have felt, with his cock still hard, buried within your heat. You lifted yourself from him and heard his relieved exhale, his hands hurrying to support you, always sweet and worrying about your comfort, even when he was just talking dirty to you seconds ago while fucking your brains out.

“Where can I cum?”

“Where do you want to?”

You both chuckled and he gave you a lingering kiss, before positioning you under him again and straddling your torso, his fingers wrapping up around his slick dick, your cum shining on his flushed skin.

“How about on those pretty perky tits?”

He pumped his dick slowly, seemingly in no hurry to finish, even though the pre-cum on his tip suggested otherwise.

“I kind of want to taste though…”

Jimin always made you feel like you were in heaven, and you wanted to please him too, moving your hands to fondle your own breasts, as you opened your lips slightly, making him consider your offer.

“And to think that I thought you were an innocent one when we met…”

Jimin chuckled and scooched closer to your face, picking up the rhythm on his length and grunting at the friction as well as your downright sinful appearance.

“Don’t let it get to your head, but I’m only this dirty for you, you little shit.”

You both chuckled and you didn’t care to admit how much you actually appreciated such times with Jimin, when you didn’t have to pretend to be sexy, he just brought it all out of you, and even laughing during sex never ruined the mood.

He brought you out of your thoughts when his free hand softly held your face, urging you to open up, and you were ready to meet his tip on your tongue, but he surprised you by bursting out on your chest instead, laughing at your shocked face, before he could only grunt and moan, his face contorting in pleasure. He was still stroking his length, swiftly angling it to your lips as he was still spilling his load, letting you taste the last of it and making a mess on your face.

“Sorry, couldn’t help it but crave the best of both.”

He bit his plump lip, trying to appear more apologetic than he obviously was, but you both knew it wasn’t the first nor the last time he’d made a mess on you, and you never managed to mind.

“Come here, idiot.”

You pulled him closer by the hip, taking the tip of his cock between your lips and sucking him clean, proceeding to suck him whole into your mouth as he was already going flaccid. You made sure to tease his sensitive cock, under the pretense of cleaning him up, but even with his face contorted from overstimulation, all you could see in his eyes was adoration, and that was exactly, what urged you to stop, patting his ass as a sign of ‘good to go’.

You knew he adored you. He knew you adored him just the same. Yet even with all of your cards open, all of your feelings crystal clear without any words said, your relationship was still ambiguous. You certainly didn’t want anything to change, but the occasional wondering, whether Jimin really did see everything the same way, was what kept you up at night, not quite able to enjoy the warm embrace of his sleeping form.

“Come in, I’m not sure where I put it, let me search for it.”

You opened your dorm-room door, inviting your closest female friend Lisa to wait inside. She was taking the same course you had already finished last semester, so you agreed to pass your notes to her – you’d most likely never need them again anyways.

“Where’s your roommate?”

Lisa was looking around your room curiously, since you usually avoided hanging out at your place, opting for her apartment or some place out instead.

“Probably staying at her boyfriend’s place. Pretty sure she’s still avoiding me.”

You offered Lisa a comical facial expression as you both giggled recalling the accident.

“Well, who wouldn’t feel awkward after walking in on their roommate having sex with her best friend.”

Lisa shrugged, plopping down onto your messy bed. Jimin must have left in a hurry, since he usually left your room without a sign of your activities.

“You’re right, but it’s not like we can hang up posters on campus, explaining how, yes, we are best friends, and, yes, we do have sex, and, no, you don’t have to understand it.”

You already felt exhausted explaining your relationship to your group of friends, who finally recently stopped questioning you about it after months, so explaining it to basically strangers, like your roommate, was definitely not in your agenda.

“Talking about that best friend of yours, I will take a wild guess this is from him?”

You turned around to see what she was talking about, only to notice a white box with a pink ribbon on it lying on between the sheets. You jumped to grab it, curiosity distracting you from your initial tasks. Ignoring Lisa, who was hanging over your shoulder, trying to get a peak, you carefully removed the lid to be met with the prettiest white lace lingerie set, similar to one’s you’ve been eyeing online when you hung out with Jimin, just way prettier. There was an elegant note inside, with a not so elegant, but painfully familiar handwriting scribbled on it.

‘White makes your skin look delicious. Hope this cheers you up enough to finish that thesis. Love, Jimin.’

You didn’t even try to hide the huge grin on your face, putting the note back inside and closing the box, carrying it to hide in your closet, fully intending to model it for Jimin later.

“Love? Seriously? You’re not even dating…”

Lisa murmured, failing to wrap her head around your relationship.

“Do you have to date, in order to love someone? I love him and he loves me, we both know that, what’s so complicated about it?”

You shrugged, trying to make everything sound very simple, even though you knew it was far from that for anyone from the outside. Everything in your relationship revolved around feelings rather than words, and it was fine by you, as long as the feelings there mutual.

“But how can you be sure he loves you the same way you love him?”

Lisa wasn’t even aware how accurately her words hit you, killing your short lived bliss from receiving the lovely gift, and planting that uncomfortable seed of doubt into the back of your brain again. Were you two really on the same page?

“You mean Park Jimin, that art major who attends this lecture?”

“Yeah, that Jimin.”

“Isn’t he in a friends with benefits relationship with his best friend though?”

“My brother says Jimin doesn’t refer to it like that. They’re probably just having sex since they’re both single, no deal involved.”

“So you’re just going to ask him out?”

You were glad when a person taking the empty seat beside you distracted you from listening to those girls any longer. It wasn’t like they were some mean bitches, but listening to them talk about you and Jimin like that, unaware of your presence, was still disheartening. Especially since the things they said weren’t lies. It hurt when they put it down like this, and you realized that must be one of the reasons why you avoid putting your situation in words. What you had with Jimin might have felt like the world to you, but it didn’t sound like much when it came down to explaining it.

“What are you thinking about so much that you don’t even notice me staring at you?”

You were startled by Jimin’s voice, his sharp eyes indeed piercing you, trying to figure you out.

“Just… accidentally overheard some girls talking about you.”

You decided to be honest, like you always were with him, and it didn’t take him more than a couple seconds to get the hang of the situation.

“About me or about us?”

Neither his voice nor his face gave out any emotions or thoughts.

“About us.” You whispered, turning to the front of the class when the professor marched in, getting ready to start the lecture.

“Let’s talk after class.”

That was all Jimin said, and anxiety was about to kick in, but you felt his warm hand searching for yours, and starting to play with your fingers, relaxing you, and, strangely enough, helping you stay concentrated for the rest of the class.

The walk to Jimin’s shared apartment wasn’t silent, but you didn’t pick up the earlier conversation either, and you had the feeling it was either not important and he forgot about it, or it was so important he wanted to talk about it in privacy.

Once you got to his place, you greeted his friends in the living room, and followed Jimin’s instructions to wait in his room. Soon enough he returned with a tray of snacks from the kitchen and an almost childish grin on his face, his eyes almost disappearing.

“Want to watch a movie?”

You hummed, finding every activity with Jimin fun. He put down the snacks and went to snatch his laptop, and you found yourself shamelessly devouring him with your eyes, appreciating his thick thighs, looking god-like in those skinny ripped jeans, and his cozy hoodie, making him look soft and cuddly, and finally settling on his handsome face, which always made you want to leave small kisses all over it.

Of course, Jimin caught you staring and laughed, brushing his hair back from his forehead, knowing exactly how much it affected you. He came towards you and crouched down in front of you, where you were sitting on the end of his bed.

“We should probably talk first.”

Just like that your heart fell right to your soles – it must have been something important after all.

“Okay.”

Jimin cupped your face affectionately and kissed you softly, like you were something precious and fragile, almost distracting you from your current situation. When he pulled back, all you could feel was reassurance, and you realized he must have felt your discomfort. ‘So it was important, but it wasn’t bad’, you thought, smiling back at the handsome man in front of you, letting him know that whatever he needed to talk about, he could go ahead now.

“I want you to tell me honestly. What exactly did those girls say?”

You looked at him hesitantly.

“Why is it important?”

“You don’t look so bothered without any reason… I just want to know even if it’s nothing big.”

“It wasn’t anything big. One of them must have a crush on you and they talked about how you were in a friends with benefits relationship with your best friend, and then one girl said how you don’t even refer to it like that, so it’s basically a green light to ask you out, and- seriously, I wasn’t even that bothered, I just hate gossip.”

You didn’t even notice how fast you were spilling everything, and if you wanted to reassure Jimin, it wasn’t working, because he looked quite worried now.

“Babe…”

He seemed to be having a hard time, finding the right words to say, as he took your hands in his, bringing them to his lips.

“Us not declaring any relationship status is starting to bother you, right?”

You tensed up, cursing inwardly, anxious that Jimin would feel pressured now, and that was the last thing you wanted.

“It doesn’t bother me, I know how I feel and I love what we have, I don’t need any status, it’s just hard to explain it to others…”

You conveniently left out the part about not being 100% certain whether he felt exactly the same, because, honestly, even if he didn’t, the way you felt with him and the way he treated you was all you could ask for.

Suddenly Jimin burst out laughing, catching you off guard.

“Who cares? You think others not understanding can change how we feel? You think I’ll go out on a date with some girl if she asks me, since we’re technically just best friends? Would you want to go on a date with anyone else now?”

“N- no…”

You murmured, overwhelmed with Jimin’s outburst. He wasn’t angry in any way, but he was passionate, and your heart was swelling at the direction this conversation was taking, Jimin giving you all the reassurance you needed.

“Exactly! We both know we love each other, without even saying that. We love being together, and it doesn’t matter how you name it, what matters is what it is! And this, this thing that we have is more real than any girlfriend-boyfriend relationship out there, so who cares that we never bothered changing the status from best friends? If you need me to, I’ll be your boyfriend, heck I’d be your husband if you asked me to! What matters is that my feelings for you aren’t changing, no matter how you call them.”

You couldn’t help tearing up, all the emotions overwhelming you, but before the first tear could escape, Jimin was kissing you again, smiling against your lips, and murmuring things like ‘silly girl’ and ‘so perfect’. He kept crawling over your body until he got you pinned to the bed, his muscular thigh between yours, preventing you from going anywhere, not that you wanted to. You felt him leaving hickeys down your neck, but it felt too good to stop him.

“Fuck you, Jimin.”

You chuckled and Jimin finally pulled his swollen lips away from your body for a moment, smiling at you affectionately.

“How do you always know the most perfect thing to say?”

You heaved a sigh, cradling his head to your chest and playing with his soft locks.

“We did start off as best friends for a reason.”

He peaked up to look at your face and you used the chance to peck his forehead.

“So… you’d be my husband if I asked you to?”

You couldn’t miss the opportunity to tease him, and sure enough you could feel him groaning into your chest, before joining your laugh with his adorable giggles.

“Let’s finish university first, you smartass.”

[ellipsesarefun]

you pour it out for everyone to see

(Sorry if it’s late :(( )

Otayuri Week 2017 Day 2: Social Media/Celebrations (FaceTime, Skype, Youtube, Instagram)

A/N: Sequel to “now i gotta wash my mouth out with soap”~! Also featuring an Original Female Character.

His mind is a cosmic chaos of emotions. Not even skating himself to the death is helping him.

As the past six months ran by, his communication with his labeled “bestie” remained ambiguously normal. They talk on Skype as they usually do, always ranging from their skating routines to their daily nonsense (cats, weather, etc.). And it was perfectly normal. They barely engaged a conversation on love, Mila, or… the Accident (because it totally was; come on, he wasn’t thinking straight.) and that is totally normal in their imaginary rule book. Even before said fiasco, they never really took the time to indulge on that topic, merely in passing (“who was your first kiss”, “who was the worst partner”, “the most embarrassing moment when you dated”). So yea. Totally mundane and ordinary. 

Except it wasn’t okay. It took all his strength not to broach on any topic. It would be weird and awkward. Awkweird. It was not the line friends cross and while he did cross the line by an inch, he was just pushed back to his side of the line where he initially belonged. Beka, being casual and everything, did not initiate nor push him about it. He merely kept his usual composure, just how the way things were.

And it only fueled his turmoil. It doesn’t help that his relationship with Mila grew fragile. A few days after he left, she had this.. look. There was no smile this time but there was something on her expression that she knew something.. that somehow it was his fault that he fucked up their relationship.

Through this chaos, anger at himself became his drive in training. But it wasn’t only anger, there was a whole icing of anguish spread on top. He stretched his limits, to the brink of his own sanity, almost tearing his body from limb to limb. To those who noticed said nothing, merely watching from afar and only intervening when he came close to passing out.

And said intervention came to the rescue. She was a friend of his from overseas who lived with katsudon and old man. Her parents and Katstudon’s parents go way back and decided to ship her here in Russia for a mini vacation.

***

Tine [20:30] Yo asshole!

[20:45] tf do u want bitch? why are you still up? katsudon would’ve put you to bed by now..

Tine [20:47] Ahem. I’m a fucking 20-year-old adult. I make the rules.

[20:48] 20-year-old adult in a fifteen-year-old body :p

Tine [20:49] HEY! Watch it, kid, regardless of our two-year gap, I’m still older than you.

[20:50] yea. but i LOOK older than you :p even old man thinks ur my little sis

Tine [20:59] ...point taken.

Tine [21:00] Anyways. How’s it going?

[21:01] cut the crap

Tine [21:03] YOU cut the crap, Mr. “I’m angry with the world and everything that’s teen angst”

[21:06] ur lame af

Tine [21:04] And you’re stalling... haven’t heard from you much.. what’s really up..? how’s he doing?

[21:06] same old same old.. the usual.. nothing changed really..

Tine [21:07] ....After all that?

Tine [21:08] That fucking sucks.

[21:13] tell me about it

[21:15] what makes it worse is mila hasn’t really talked to me..

[21:17] and i’m too distracted in coming up with any ideas for my theme and song music..

[21:18] and beka’s.. Beka’s okay. We’re cool. We talk the usual shit.

Tine [21:19] but you’re not okay.

[21:20] ...is that all you got? putting out the obv?

Tine [21:21] Hm.

[21:22] spill it woman, i don’t have all night for this

Tine [21:23] What say you and I do a little music jam? Make a Youtube account?

[21:24] whut

Tine [21:25] For a stress reliever, dumbass. You can sing. I can sing. We both can play the guitar and we can put it up on Youtube.. Plus we can search for some music you might like that’s beyond classical. It’s a win-win for everyone.

[21:28] what do u get out of this?

Tine [21:30] To do something for shits and giggles. Something nice for my spare time.

Tine [21:31] What say you?

[21:34] sure i guess

Tine [21:25] Such enthusiasm.

[21:26] hey ur asking a lot from me here.

***

True to heart, they went music scavenging as planned on the days he finished his training. That meant his time with his friend from overseas overlapped with his Skyping time with Otabek. He introduced the two one evening and it went slightly awkward, seeing as they barely have anything in common except for maybe some literature, but that was only in passing. She and Yuri decided to keep the music project a secret, with the viable excuse of her being there was to be watched over (”Hey, I’m older than you, you know” “You don’t act like it”). Otabek didn’t mind of course. They still kept their conversations as mundane as they make it while Tine sat beside him mostly in silence, sometimes listening, sometimes reading some shit (”Seriously, just pretend I don’t exist; i don’t usually wanna talk” she laughed). It was an upgraded routine for all of them and no one seemed to mind one bit.

He wasn’t exactly sure how she managed to rope him into this. While yes they both have the skills to do so, he was hesitant in trying her songs. Most of them were dark, creepy and downright strange. She also had a wide variety of options. There was an equal proportion of hip hop, grunge, metal, acoustic, with a few jazz and blues combined. Beka helped as well, seeing he is a DJ and has encountered most of the music she presented. However, he never truly found out what Yuri needed for, only for some new music to skate for. 

(Sometimes, he can feel his best friend has an inkling of what they were up to, but that’s just paranoia).

Fortunately, it only took two weeks for them to find a song they both liked.

***

yuri-plisetsky

Soap Cover - Melanie Martinez

[one minute sneak peak video]

“I feel it coming out my throat Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap God, I wish I never spoke Now I gotta wash my mouth out with soap”

[link to Youtube]

#melaniemartinez #cover #soap

Tagged: @chriscapss 

6,321 views

View all 763 comments

BestYuriAngels OMFG HE CAN ACTUALLY SING!!!

christophe-gc Such accent!!! <3 Love his voice

Yurisonlylover Who’s she? His surrogate sister or something?

BestYuriAngels @Yurisonlylover I think so.. I saw a picture of them once. [link]

phichit+chu Damn that voice~

v-nikiforov Wow! Amazing, Yurio! @yuri-plisetsky @chriscapss  

chriscapps Damn.. so many views per day.. You’re good for this music business @yuri-plisetsky.

***

They only posted one video yet they were already famous. His phone exploded with notifications filled with likes, dislikes and comments. Yakov didn’t seem care, as long as he kept on practicing his usual routines. Mila started talking to him again, with the help of Tin. He introduced them three days after he uploaded their video. One look from Mila and she was already adored by the older skater (”YURI SHE’S SO ADORABLE!!!”). They now go out for coffee breaks. 

And Otabek.. Beka was impressed. Still is. After he found out the video, they finally found another topic that piqued their interest: music. 

***

Beka [17:00] Hey. Nice cover. When did you learn how to sing like that?

[17:02] a couple of years back, tine’s first visit in russia. We had a couple of gigs together, but this is the first time we ever posted a song that we actually like.

Beka [17:03] You had a lot of disagreements before?

[17:04] pfft, more like full-blown arguments. her song choices can be a little creepy

Beka [17:05] I noticed...

***

Since then, there conversations prolonged and gradually, contentment filled his emotions more than his own anguish over unrequited affections. This upgraded their routine and level of closeness further and while it was not what his other part of himself had hoped, it was enough for him to have that familiar comfort of talking to him again. 

This music project isn’t so bad after all.

***

yuri-plisetsky

Carousel Cover - Melanie Martinez

[one minute sneak peak]

“And it's all fun and games, 'Til somebody falls in love, But you've already bought a ticket, And there's no turning back now”

[link to Youtube]

#melaniemartinez #cover #thissongrocks

Tagged: @chriscapss 

8,453 views

View all 532 comments

YuriPisMyJam God, that voice.. I live for that voice

Plisexyness Another Melanie?? Is he a CryBaby fan?

chriscapss @Plisexyness I am the huge fan. He just happened to like some of her songs. 

Y-Angels56 @chriscapss OMFG, can you do a cover on Cry Baby? Training Wheels? Are you guys gonna cover the whole album.

chriscapss @Y-Angels56 Nah haha. Maybe?

yuri-plisetsy @chriscapss no.. 

***

Tine [19:00] Any ideas for your music theme?

[20:15] none yet..

Tine [20:25] You doin’ ayt?

[20:30] more or less.. fucking tired though. almost collapsed when i couldn’t nail that jump right...

Tine [20:31] Ah

[20:33] beka and i are doing okay if that’s what you’re asking... am weirded out by mila though.

Tine [20:36] Why?

[20:40] she seems to be talking to me now.. beka hasn’t mentioned about her at all. not like we talk about dating so seriously..

Tine [20:41] Seems okay.. What’s the problem though..

[20:43] nothing i guess..

Tine [20:45] Hm..

[20:47] wanna jam something tom? i think.. i may have a few ideas for my program..

Tine [20:48] Same artist?

[20:49] omfg ur killing me u know...

Tine [20:50] So you do like all of her songs now?

[20:51] not all, okay.. a couple... but she grew on me.. i’ll admit that..

Tine [20:55] YAY! So what say we pick another poison from her album?

***

yuri-plisetsky

Cake Cover - Melanie Martinez

[one minute preview video]

“I feel like I'm just missing Something whenever you leave We've got all the ingredients Except you needing me”

[link to Youtube]

#melaniemartinez #thisonetookthecake #freakinggenius

Tagged: @chriscapss 

7,345 views

View all 4556 comments

YuriPisMyJam Okay, third time’s the charm. wtf is going on here?

BestYuriAngels This is just their third song, but they’re all the same artists..

Y-Angels56 That’s just the third video.. nothing much to discern over anything yet..

YuriPisMyJam @Y-Angels yea but.. come on, the chosen lyrics? the chosen songs? there’s something going on...

leodglesia woah @yuri-plisetsky never knew you were a fan.. we should put up some gigs sometime.

***

The internet is now speculating on said posts. It had only been three covers of the same artist and people are already assuming that therein lies a deeper intentions that the said skater was hiding. Even the people around him were starting to wonder, with the stupid pig and stupid old man barraging him with hugs, questioning his mental well-being or if he was moping for someone. Mila even singled him out once or twice over the week, not-so-subtley prying for answer. Otabek was speculative (his best friend is too smart for his own good) but only mentioned in passing. Yuri could only keep up with the excuse to their covers as Tine being an avid fan.

And that was true.

Only, this was an outlet; a healthy outlet to convey his raging emotions. Little did he care that Otabek was oblivious to their purpose now. In a way, it’s pouring his intentions in guise of a singer’s spontaneity (because of this, he was glad that he had Tine singing with him; she’s a really good use for an excuse).

He admittedly grew an appreciation for the artist, how much skill and talent was shown through the way she writes them, and the way she sang each of her songs. 

To that extent, it was already giving him ideas for his music and theme for the upcoming competition. 

God, he is such a sap.

***

Tine [21:00] Ready for tom?

[21:34] yep.

***

yuri-plisetsky

Training Wheels Cover - Melanie Martinez

[one minute preview video]

“You've been riding two-wheelers all your life It's not like I'm asking to be your wife I wanna make you mine, but that's hard to say Is this coming off in a cheesy way?”

[link to Youtube]

#melaniemartinez #awesomesong

Tagged: @chriscapss 

9,234 views

View all 5,656 comments

YuriPisMyJam omfg something else is going on... I just know it..

Y-Angels So maybe there is...

leodglesia Awesome cover, guys!!!  Sick guitar plucking @chriscapss 

saymyname what is with the Crybaby themes??? Could it be..?

Y-Angels Pining? Unrequited love??? they’re quite apparent...

saymyname maybe it’s just a coincidence.. who knows..

****

Beka [23:30] Hey. Great cover today *thumbs up emoji*

[00:01] thnx..

A/N: Credits to Melanie Martinez and her awesome album track!!