#jfcolefanfic

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

27 | The Monte Carlo Affair

April 28th 2000

"The flowers! Where are the fucking flowers?"

It was the spring of the last year in the twentieth century and Dinah Tobias was all the rage.

"No! Ay, Dios Mio. We need white roses and Chrysanthemums, you idiot!"

It was also the year I discovered she was half Mexican. She talked to the landscaping guys fluently when she really felt like they did something wrong.

"You know, who are you? I might just have you fired-"

"Ma, you need to relax."

"Relax? You know what, Elijah. Don't...fucking talk to me until this day is over. Got it?"

It was comical, that day. The sun was shining and it didn't rain for weeks which was odd for Mississippi in May.

All I could remember was the sun shining perfectly on Esther's face when I seen her walk down the aisle. She had no flaws, man. She was perfect that day and forever more.

My mom was totally insane and somehow she made everything and everybody work together for us that night.

"I'd like to make a toast." She sang, diddling the little wine glass with her cinderella gloves. She could really play the part when she needed to.

"My son....My daughter...." Were the only two words worth anything. The rest were about our childhood and how we met as kids. Never did she mention that Esther was my cousin once. It was alright with me, I mean who would really want to broadcast such a thing.

And mother was the queen at knowing what and what not to broadcast.

We had a good time that night. All of us. The music was good, the food was good, the wine was great.

I was marrying my fucking cousin for christ's sake.

I'd like to think we were getting married because we wanted to but I would be lying through my teeth.

Mother didn't need a reason to marry us off. She just did. The second she got wind of me growing up and fending for myself she just had to draw one of her eyes out of their sockets to keep watch on me somehow.

Maybe it was because she couldn't let go of me entirely so she felt inclined to entrust someone she knew would take care of me.

Esther truly was a good woman.

But, come on. We were young.

We were so young.

I was blinded by Esther's beauty the night we bounded vows. But in all truths, I hated to admit that my mother was right about something.

After all, she didn't force me to marry Esther.

Esther really was the perfect woman. With or without makeup on she was a beacon. She was a beacon of strength when I had none and she prayed with me when I had no words. When my words were taken from me, she breathed them into my soul like chain smoke.

Esther and I truly gave content a positive connotation.

Yes, later on we'd come to the realization that we were never meant for marriage. But we stayed married. Because I needed her. She knew I needed her. And despite the situation, she was always there. For me. For the family. For whatever was right.

Needless to say, I loved that girl. It was only that night had I realized that I wasn't afraid to say it.

Yeah, it might've been weird but we made whatever relationship we had official in the eyes of God. Right or wrong. Mother or no mother.

Almost like I was marrying my best friend.

☽

Elijah

Car rides with Asia were always silent until she started yapping about something feeble and vain. If it wasn't about a new exercise she found in a magazine it was about some diet pills she found for half off. She was mediocre in everything she did and then had the nerve to ask me what I thought. She dragged me along to accompany her with her spree's, asking "How do I look?". It was fun at first but it never mattered what I said. Her mind was an open abyss and she had no intentions of finding out what I really thought about anything. I was her walking machine that just went along with everything she did and said. So no, weight and beauty weren't really her biggest issues.

"I was looking at the World Wide Web today..."

I wondered about Sanaa without feeling guilt probably for the first time. Was she alive? She never went this long without at least trying to contact me.

"Apparently, there's this girl named Amelia Bergin: goes by the name Pepper. She went missing a few days ago..."

Was I pushing her away? I don't exactly remember what went down the last time I saw her. Not that it was that important.

"This will make the fourth incident in Los Cabasas in which a woman has been reported missing and found dead not too long after..."

Everything I did was for her. I kept her in mind when I did anything. My mom gets in the way of everyones personal life. What makes her think she's not going to put her two cents into ours?

"The fourth...Elijah. Elijah? Elijah, are you listening to me?"

If she couldn't accept my family to begin with, there was just no way we would've worked out. And she had to respect that.

"Elijah, slow down. Slow down! You're about to hit her!"

It was even worse on my part especially since I done already told her everything pertaining to Esther's death and her little friend Kylo. It was like she was waving this flag of guilt above my head with every day we were apart.

"Fucking slow down!"

It was the first time Asia cursed and the first time someone physically controlled the wheel without my consent.

I stomped on the breaks forcefully, sending Asia and I both towards the dashboard.

"Ouch!"

"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I think so." She whined holding her nose. "Is it broken?"

"Let me see. Wiggle it."

She sniffed, touching it lightly.

"No, it's not broken."

"How do you know?" She whimpered.

"Trust me. You'd know if it was broken. You wouldn't be able to talk."

"Thank God. I have an AKA meeting tomorrow. I can't afford to have a wrap on my nose."

We were in the middle of the street so horns began honking furiously.

"Gosh, people can be so insensitive."

"Say's the guy who couldn't hear a god damn thing I was saying and almost broke my fucking nose!"

"Wait, didn't you say we almost ran someone over?"

Asia's eyes wandered the scene, landing directly on a woman crossing the street quicker than shit running down a stick.

"Fix the car, damn it."

I did as she said, pulling over on the sidewalk.

"Wait!" She called over to the girl, holding her nose. "I'm sorry. My boyfriend's an idiot. We didn't mean to scare you!"

Ugh. Just hearing the word made me gag in my throat. What else was about to happen, the romantic signing of our prenup?

"Oh, it's quite alright." The girl responded.

"Come on. We'll drive you to wherever you need to go."

"No, it's really alright."

"Oh, come. It's the least we could do."

The girl hesitantly walked over towards the car. She was tall and shapely wearing an uneasy smile the shape of a crescent moon. Disappearing every now and then and rare as a north star.

"Hello," She greeted before hopping into the backseat.

"Hey, I'm Asia." Asia welcomed, extending the hand that wasn't viciously holding onto her nose. "Pleased to meet you."

"Likewise."

The girls laden eyes drifted towards mine.

It was the way her jaw silently dropped that told me exactly who she was. If it wasn't for her form and her anxious physique I probably wouldn't have put two and two together. But, I remembered.

"Elijah," Asia scolded, wrapping my arm with the sharp slap of her fingers. "Aren't you gonna introduce yourself?"

"Hey."

"Hey."

I didn't know if it were appropriate to call a family reunion since I barely knew the girl. However, I did know that she was pretty close to Kylo and Sanaa: Two people I've been trying to block out of my mind for while.

And if she were anywhere near me I knew that one of them were as well.

Which also meant Sanaa would show her face very soon.

And just when I thought I'd gotten my mojo back.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

_______________

"What do you like in your tea?"

I was at a standstill between a mute and an overbearing girlfriend. If all was truly fair in love and war I'd loose every time.

"Nothing. I like it by itself."

Of course she did. Isolated, like she truly was.

I crossed my arms, placing my head on the table.

"Don't look so gloom, Elijah. You know we still have to drop her off at her home." Asia babbled.

"Why couldn't we have just done that at first."

"We have to show some hospitality. We almost ran the girl over not even forty five minutes ago."

Peaches gazed at me quickly. I could've sworn she had a smirk on her face. If she weren't pretty, maybe I wouldn't have noticed as much.

"What's your name, sweetheart?" Asia interrogated.

"...Peaches." She finally spoke. Her voice singing songs of comfort almost instantly.

"Well, isn't that a pretty name."

If I could slit my wrists with a knife I would've. I hated petty, superficial conversations.

"So, Peaches...where do you stay? Once you finish your tea we can head out there."

"It's out that way," She revealed, extending her index finger north. "Down by the water."

"Water? What water?" Asia inquired.

See, Asia knew nothing about the rancid water sitting within the abandoned park. Not many people did. I didn't at first. Which reminded me of Sanaa and made me want to slit my wrists even more.

"It's near the hospital. I know exactly where it is." I carped, exchanging stares with Peaches. She wanted a staring contest? I was bout to give her one.

Asia sat back in her chair.

"Well if I didn't know you, Elijah I'd say you all know each other." Asia joked. Although it wasn't funny.

"He's an old friend." Chimed Peaches, unexpectedly.

I wish she wouldn't have done that.

But before Asia could question and object, her pager rang loudly.

"Er- hold on." She got up, answering her phone in the other room.

Once I knew she was fully out of the kitchen, I faced Peaches and began to speak just above a whisper.

"Where is she?" I declared.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, save the bullshit. You know exactly where she is and you're hiding her from me."

"Hm, that's what you think?"

"What is this? Some kind of lesbian love story going on here?"

"I think you're rude and disrespectful and I don't have to sit here and listen to you banter on about something that's never gonna happen."

"Never?"

"Give her a break. She's been through enough with you, as is."

"She has? What other lies has she been moaning into your ear?"

Asia switched back into the kitchen, grabbing her gucci jacket and purse.

"My mom called." She faltered. "I'm heading out."

Her demeanor had totally changed. She went from being overly social to uncertain. I don't know if it was the phone call or if it had something to do with Peaches running her mouth about me being an old friend of hers.

"Well...since you know where she lives you don't need me to tell you to take her home."

Within a few seconds she finally left through the garage.

With the closing of the backdoor, Peaches stood up emptying her glass into the sink.

"Nice gal you got there." She incited.

"As much as I'd love talking to you about what doesn't concern you, I'd rather discuss our prior conversation."

"Like I said, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know, I don't even need to talk to you. I really could just drive down there now and find her by my damn self."

"Well if you didn't need me so much why am I still here?"

I stood, emptying my tea in the sink next to her.

"What the fuck are you mumbling about?"

"I'm not mumbling, sir. And what I mean is, why haven't you put me out by now?"

I scrunched my face, unamused by her humor. It made no sense.

"I'm bout to take you home now."

Silence laved between us much like it did when Asia was around. However, now it was different. I no longer had to hide the fact that I did but didn't know Peaches and neither did she.

I took advantage of her terra-cotta eyes resembling the sharp color of milk in black tea. Her hands clenched onto her sweater. She was still hiding.

I set the dirty china down in the sink beside hers.

She just kept staring. The reticence among us was fatal. I knew it was. Her delicate hands swiped a strand of hair away from her eye and she smiled. I smiled back as she was my mirror.

When I looked at her I saw myself. I saw a representation of me and how I hid from everything. How I longed desperately for something to hold onto and claim. Like a blanket. No matter what, people like us would find whatever it was we were looking for and we would hold onto it.

And I liked that.

"Home. Where Sanaa is, right?" She teased, wrapping her tongue against her pearly teeth.

Our personalities fused that afternoon.

I was rough with her because she was the closest remnant of myself and although it was only temporary I enjoyed not feeling afraid to express that. No blood ties meant no blood, no baggage. We could explore each other like a map and no one could find us.

She was alright with that.

And so was I.

We came together.

She left by her lonesome.

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

23 | Which Doctor?

Elijah

~

Three days easily became seventy two hours by the trillionth of a second without a doubt. If it weren't for my bouts of paranoia, maybe I would've continued taking my Xanax. Either way the gander went, Sanaa left no trace for me to sniff up. Unlike every other epoch with her, she had vanished with no intentions of ever contacting me again. And how? Sanaa was a character of few. She disappeared whenever she saw fit for ridiculous reasons but she would always make it her duty to put up those little white flags of parley, as if to say "I'm sorry. Im okay, again."

Like standing outside of her house at 2 o'clock in the morning. I mean, of course she knew I would show up eventually, right?

Or even answering the door with only a measly little robe on and her hair tied. Come on. She would've only known it would be me waiting at the door.

But that was then...and this is now.

Today marks the second day out of three that I've paced ridiculously around the pond. I'd seen her maybe once or twice accompanied by a group of girls including my sister cuddled up against some pregnant broad. That was her. Gay as hell.

I hadn't shaven since Sanaa left and I was going on maybe two or three hours worth of sleep; of course I couldn't muster the courage to approach her unceasing radiance in such matters. I was a mess. That and I was a pussy. Maybe even a little slither of a creep. I'd met her across from a tree for two days on end. Then I'd lie in the abyss of the tiny forest and trod home.

I didn't call in sick. Shit, I might have even been close to loosing my job.

I was always afraid. Afraid of loosing something. But again, I was a pussy so I couldn't step up to anything the way normal people did.

The ticking of the clock frightened me at night. So did the shadows of the pine trees outside. So in my mind all accounts traced to Xanax. I'd emptied them all in the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. I was a doctor for Christ's sakes. Everyone knew Xanax was the number one cause of Paranoia.

But then I'd have these strange night terror's of Esther. She was naked. Holding her stomach. That's really all. Nothing gruesome. Nothing gory. Nothing too thought provoking. But they'd continued constantly throughout the night and it felt like she was looking at me. Like she was saying "Why, Elijah? You let him kill me."

I cut myself a few times.

But then again, I was a bit too pussy to let myself bleed out completely.

So I just sat and stared at the blood until I was able to shut my thoughts up enough to watch friends and drink a cup of chamomile tea.

Still didn't clean up the iota of blood.

On the third day, I had awoken to the scowl of my mother peering down on me.

"The fuck is all this blood doing on the coffee table."

Good thing my arms were covered. I had them crossed.

"What are you even doing here?" I clipped, honestly wondering how the fuck she got in my house.

"Your father and I wanted to get the family together for a family reunion."

I grimaced in confusion. We hadn't been to a family reunion in years. Not since dad was caught in the bathroom with momma's sister. Bad year.

"Family reunion?" I repeated.

"Yes. You. Your siblings. Me and your dad."

"Wait, how did you-"

"Get up. We're going bowling."

Alright. Maybe I needed to get out the house anyway.

_______________

The car ride was bountifully silent. Rosie was connected to her walkman as was T.J. to his gameboy. Dad was driving. Mom was nuts and also reading a magazine.

"What kind of family reunion are we talking? Are we going out of town or something?"

"Don't be silly, Eli. It's a stay-cation." She smiled proudly lifting the words out of her mouth just as she'd lifted it out of a Marie-Claire issue.

"Stay-cation." I mouthed.

I tried not thinking about Esther or Sanaa during the bumpy car ride but it was nearly impossible. They both knew Rosie but only one of them had the likings of my mom. Even I didn't have that.

After strolling into the alley like a pack of unattached neanderthals, my dad bought our tickets, we settled into our shoes and finally let the bowling begin.

T.J. was an entire clit when it came to bowling. He sucked ass and that was final. Although Titus and I barely had a sliver of a relationship since well, ever, we rekindled whatever we didn't have during the slop shod bowling night.

"You're a twat."

"And you, my friend, have spent way to much fucking time in Europe."

"That's enough you two..." My mother scolded. "Make way for mama."

"Mama, why do you have on a tennis hat?" I asked.

"Exactly. This isn't tennis...and we're inside."

All of us, even daddy, laughed at each other.

"Oh, hush. You have to get in the game," Mama began, readying herself to roll the ball, only to score perfectly knocking down all of the pins. "To beat the game."

It was too perfect. All of us were getting along even if it was all fake and phony. However, something seemed off.

Rosie was glued to her Nokia.

Which was odd even for her. Rosie was never one to kiss up to Dinah. But moments like these when everyone was getting along was like golden ice cream for her. She inhaled it like someone would take it soon. Which was true. This little family stay-cation wasn't playing for keeps. Pretty soon, dad and mom would be at their adversary's and the house would be empty as it always is.

But this was probably the first summer we had all took part together.

Something had to be wrong with her.

"Rosetta," I called, hoping to get a reaction out of her. However, I didn't. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"Well mom and dad are getting along pretty well."

She shrugged, tapping her fingers against the metal screen.

"Rose. What's going on? You haven't even put your shoes on."

"I figured why would I? All of this is fake anyway."

"Yeah but...they're trying-"

"Then tell them to try harder...it's a little too late for that shit."

What the hell was eating her up? I figured it had something to do with that short, pregnant chick from down by the water.

"How's your love life so far?" I probed.

She looked at me, pausing what she was doing.

"Since when have you ever cared about my love life?"

"I know that you're fucking insane for not bowling with me. And I know it ain't no nigga that's got you buggin' like this."

She chuckled which made me smile. I got her to laugh.

"You're right. I guess I need to put this thing down for a while."

"As you should." I agreed, remembering how just a few hours ago I was too punk to kill myself. "So who's got your boxers in a twist?"

"I'll let you know as soon as they deliver your panties. Extra small, right?"

"Very funny." I chided, nudging her slightly.

"Well, you remember the girl I brought to the funeral?" She asked.

Maybe I would've heard her if it weren't for my withdrawals. I noticed a woman with fat brown hair and a 70s halter top skating towards the restrooms. It had to be Sanaa. So I did the creepiest thing anyone could do. I followed her. And I waited outside the bathroom door until she walked out revealing the same hair but a different face. So I smiled, hoping to match her gaze of derision.

She snarled, dismissing herself.

Fuck. I really needed to take some more Xanax.

I lingered over towards the rest of the family before anything could get any more wicked than it already was. I should've known my dad would strike up a conversation exactly when I didn't want or need any of it.

"You gettin' along fine?" He asked, hinting towards my sex life since Esther's death.

"Yes dad." I replied.

No. No the fuck I did not plan on explaining my sex life to my dad post the death of my first wife. Nope. I didn't want to blame it on Sanaa, the sweetheart by day and woman by night who also showed up at Esther's funeral. Not that my dad would have remembered or anything. But Sanaa was certainly packing something behind her. I'm sure my dad was the first to see it.

All that and then some.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, dad. Sure as sure can be."

I knew he'd go ahead with whatever lecture he could find through the files of his mind. He'd talk about strength, prosperity, the male's position in the household and how it should be fulfilled and if it isn't fulfilled to go find it somewhere else. How money was the answer to all things.

All that and then some.

But I could give a rats ass. I needed a clear up. Yeah. A clear up.

The reason I was in this mess in the first place had nothing to do with Esther's death. It was the ambiguity of the cyanide that had me fucked and I couldn't live with myself. Kylo was a snake and I'd been pushing the mere thought of his name in the trenches of mind since the night I found out about her death.

If he had anything to do with Cyanide that killed her all ties would link back to me. My fingerprints were on all of the materials I'd given him. One of the reasons why I kept my mouth shut. That and...well...priorities haven't really been one of the main things on my list.

"Are you hearing me?"

"...Yeah. Yeah dad. I hear you, listen I wanted to ask you something,"

"Why, yes. Go ahead."

Wow. Wow. Here goes. If I had an opioid monitor it'd be beeping the hell out of this place right now.

I needed the strongest cocaine you could give. I was about to get as close as truth could get me. And honestly, now was the first time I had even thought of the truth since well, I can't date back that far.

"You can clear things up...in the system. Right dad?"

"Well, I suppose. What sort of things?"

Homicide.

"Certain things that only you could do. Sort of like...my doctorate. You made that happen, why not anything else."

"You didn't get somebody pregnant did you?"

"No!" I lied.

Who knows about anything these days. Maybe if Sanaa would answer the god damn phone I'd be one educated mother fucker.

"Well, let's talk then."

It was then that I realized Esther had possessed me that day. Her boldness wore into me. Finally I had a backbone.

Happy was what happy wasn't. And I wasn't.

Happy.