#slack off just bc i put in my 2 weeks

[mirrortouchedsea]

getting motivated to work on that kaokana fic finally and i have added like 1k this week.... so much progress for me i'm so happy

[seokjinsonlyone]

who in bts would you be coworkers with

imma start by saying that hobi would be number 1 on the list of people i would NOT be coworkers with like i got nothing but love for him fr but he would get on my nerves sooo bad bc he’d be a huge stickler for the rules and would be kissing upper management butt the majority of the time handing out constructive criticism that no one asked for yuck!!! and like imagine coming into work at 7-8am and mr company policy come around giggling acting like y’all friends when in reality he got you written up last week the only consolation is he’d probably treat the department to coffee/snacks/lunch biweekly and he can wear the hell out of a sweater vest

number 2 on the list of pls don’t make me work with him is taehyung bc he’s so pretty he would 100% be the type to use other people to do his work he would go around with that himbo act he like to put on asking people dumb questions until they’re just like you know what nvm i got it or he’d get the easiest assignments and then spend his free time distracting you and he’d be the type to steal your lunch out the fridge!!!!

number 3 is namjoon not necessarily bc i think he’d be a bad worker (unless it was a service job of sorts then he’ll nah) but bc i just feel like he’d be sooooo moody like bro is such an expressive person with such a large presence everyday it’d be like okay let’s see what mood namjoon is in is he gonna kill the vibe of the department or what and lord pls don’t let something not go right bc we know he has a temper and is easily frustrated like of course he’s a total sweetheart and on his good days they’d be great for everyone but his bad days would be everyone’s problem and that’s annoying LOL

number 4 is jimin and like i wouldn’t have a problem working with him per say it’s just that he’s a huge people person and im more of the clock in and clock out variety and i just know he’d be friends with everyone talking to everyone which would be nice when you wanna goof off a bit and it is nice when people are interested in you but he’s a gossip queen so you’d have to be careful about what you tell him however you’d always know where to go to get the company tea and also he’d be head of the party planning committee always planning something in and outside of work which can be a lot if you’re like me when you just wanna work your shift and then go home but ya know it’s manageable to deal with

number 5 is jungkook. i think i’d quite like working with him. a nice sturdy good looking boy. don’t talk too much. competent. good at following directions. he’d have his moments when he’d goof off but would probably be solid at buckling down when there’s deadlines needed to be met. quarterly there would be a day where 4 hours are wasted bc he decided to try something new for the sake of becoming more efficient and it would actually ruin whatever flow that was going on he’d probably be late 3/5 days bc he slept past his alarm clock and would call out twice a month but again a small price to pay for a nice reliable piece of eye candy.

NOW we’re getting into the nitty gritty fr. number 6 is yoongi. yoongi would 100% be my work bestie. he’d be the one I go to annoy when i feel like slacking off but he’d love it. there would be daily debates about everything bc we both like arguing just for the sake of it which would probably drive everyone around us insane but that’s not my problem. there’d be a mutual disdain for any and all authority figures just based off principle but he’d be the first to comply with all their rules and standards. lowkey would be good at rallying everyone together and increasing productivity bc he’d create a spirit of healthy competition. you’d call him out on his fake anarchy.

and finally!!! seokjin <33333 the perfect coworker <333 he’d quite literally just come to work do his job and then go home and what more can you ask for in a coworker??? but i mean in between he’d be super polite and helpful if you were ever stuck on a task he’d always restock the supplies when they were low he’d share his snacks with you if you ever felt peckish i mean he’s literally the total package good at problem solving delightfully awkward so there’s no air of superiority generous and handsome so you’d love to see him go and watch him leave

[aemondapologistfrfr]

works in progress

these usually change like 2% every week 🫠

                                         ᓚᘏᗢ

ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত

one shots: 

boxer!benji x f!strong!reader - request - going to start putting time into this bc i’ve been slacking fr 

aem x sis!reader - giving him gifts and being soft - i’m debating on picking this up again soon

princeregent!aem x wife!reader - blurb about you two burning down sharp point 

surprise!mystery x f!reader - bc i always seem to write something random instead of finishing what i have started 🤗 - i have a character in mind for this and it will be a jump scare when i find a plot for him 😈 -

mini series ranked most to least likely be worked on this week: 

ur already mine - pt2 - dragonracer!aegon is just like 🤤 - excited to see where this goes 

the fam dis - pt10 final - modern!aegon - i need to rip the bandaid off and finish this 😖 i just need to give myself a pep talk 😅

book club - pt6 - modern!aemond- ? i miss this but my mind is blank when it comes to this series - i know i need at least one more part to finish it off nicely and it def deserves it 

his wife - pt3 - when this makes a come back even i'll be surprised 

my honorary vampire mention: 

vampire!aegon - you’ll have your time soon enough 🍷

my main focus is boxer!benji and i’m starting pt2 of dragonracer!aeg

ততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত

[scourgefrontiers]

i talked abt this on my furry commissions twitter but ive been thinking a lot abt my work ethic in regards to commissions

to be completely transparent, nowadays i finish one (1) commission a day, and then i take the rest of the day off, AND the next entire day (i dont work but every other day, which was put in place to prevent burnout, but it feels like too much of a break now that i only manage one comm a work day). i was thinking and honestly even if it works NOW i think i should try to do more than one commission per work day if i can help it

i want to get to the point where i have at least like...7 comms in the queue, and NOT because i took forever to do the comms, but because i have many orders and a demand for my art! i want to be able to then clear through them in a timely manner

my current turnaround time is at most 2 months, which is kind of a lot for my pace (i tend to finish comms within around 3 weeks of getting them on most occasions), but i did that to take pressure off of myself, not because it takes me That Long to do comms. i'll probably keep that as my comfortable turnaround time

but ya. i really need to work harder and longer if im going to make this a viable business for myself. ive kind of been slacking for one reason or another (i think its bc of my unmedicated adhd :') the executive dysfunction + lack of focus really kills me and is mainly the reason i take such long breaks between comms)

i also need to start drawing more non-commission work to let people know I Do In Fact Draw Regularly but like outside of comms. posting regularly is kind of required to attract customers and i just havent been doing that b/c i get exhausted from ONE commission and then just sit here watching youtube and scrolling socials for the rest of the day. i basically do nothing 90% of the time when i could definitely be putting in more work hours. if this is going to be my main source of income i need to take it more seriously and do a little bit of forcing myself to work :/a..

[asymmetryestablished]

I’m late as hell to the party and literally nobody asked but I’ve finally delivered. here is my Totally Very Official™

One Piece Film Red Song Ranking

from worst to best because tradition or something

I’m going off the original japanese versions, from the album rather than the movie because I feel like it. also that way I get to include Binks’ Brew which everyone knows is a banger

#8 (track 6) The World’s Continuation. this is a good song and I like it! it’s also the only song from Film Red whose melody I can’t consistently call to mind, which makes it by default the worst one. also when I’m listening to the album in the car it’s the one I have to skip because it puts me to sleep, which probably has something to do with why I can’t remember it, but listen, it doesn’t matter. it’s still a lovely song, if a little forgettable

#7 (track 8) BINKUSUNO SAKE. listen I love Binks’ Brew as much as the next pirate but it simply does not suit Ado’s studio-recorded voice as well as it suits drunken sing-alongs. really this just goes to show what bangers every other track on this album is bc from here on out the ratings are all super close

#6 (track 1) New Genesis. GOOD fuckin song. highly recommend starting your road trip with this. for maximum drama, try and time it so the drums kick in just as you hit the highway and step on the gas

#5 (track 2) I’m Invincible. errbody loves a villain song, right? also I would absolutely have ranked this below New Genesis if not for the week or so where it got stuck in my head like twelve times. New Genesis is great but New Genesis did not give me that level of earworm so clearly this track was doing something right

#4 (track 7) Where the Wind Blows. this song is fucking gorgeous and I love it. still gets stuck in my head regularly. the only reason it’s not ranked higher is because fucking look at what is, my dude, cut me some slack. 10/10 ballad, absolutely stellar, literally the only downside is that I can’t bop to it

#3 (track 4) Fleeting Lullaby. SPEAKING OF SONGS I CAN BOP TO. HOT DAMN. this song is so fucking weird and funky and energetic and insane and I love it. a musical fever dream. Uta is insane, Ado’s voice is insane, this song is a total banger

#2 (track 5) Tot Musica. YEAHHHHHHHH BABY. the first song I heard from Film Red, & the first thing that convinced me it’d be worth my time to actually watch the movie. everybody loves Tot Musica. it’s the eardrum-blowing-out song. also it was composed by Hiroyuki motherfucking Sawano which explains So Much. but yeah this song fucks so hard

#1 (track 3) Backlight. listen. LISTEN. Tot Musica may hold a very special place in my heart, and I do love the drama, but I will ALWAYS be a slut for a good rock number. also the whole second verse (which they cut out of the movie for whatever reason) is about being obsessed with “red”. wonder who that could be. anyway this song was my fav even before I looked up the lyrics, it’s just such an absolute banger and I love it so much. the perfect mix of showy, yet singable, & funky, & angry as hell, & so many lines just scratch my brain itches so good, like the lyrics just sound good you know? good fuckin song

Final Thoughts: good songs, great album, literally better than the movie tbh. highly recommend buying it if you’re a CD-buying kinda guy, it’s available on Interscope Records’ website for only like $14USD or something like that

[genxnarumi]

(random ramble, i can be an adult i guess 😔)

a while ago my friends and i answered a bot asking if they’d rather have a high paying job they hate or a low paying job they love, and i was one of the few who answered the latter (maybe it’s cos im old and the only one with years of experience? idk. also just different prios i guess)

anyways i just remembered that because i had my evaluation yesterday with my boss and this is exactly why i’m staying here despite being underpaid (which is not my office’s fault btw. I’m external so they just pay a fixed rate and my employer on paper decides what % i get) and not being a finance girlie

i’ve had many many jobs over the years and most of them sucked, though they paid better than now. and i may have been better off financially then, but i ran myself into the ground with those, dreading to go to work every single day (the strain that puts on you physically is also so underestimated).

but i’d rather have a job like this. sure; financially i struggle often (though… not only due to the pay, it should be resolved soon) however despite it being a big office, i am seen and treated as a person. we did my evaluation during an outdoor walk because my boss recognised that i was struggling to focus indoors (adhd) and rather than starting off about my performance, she always makes sure to ask me about my wellbeing first—and genuinely too.

it’s not a secret to anyone who’s been here for a few weeks that i’ve been struggling a lot recently. it always goes like this, i do better for a while and then crash and burn myself lol. after my previous job (where i had to work through it basically, bc every employee was just a number in the system) so twisted that i was unable to work for ~3 years and couldn’t participate in society either (became a recluse basically).

my employer doesn’t know about my personality disorder or most of my diagnosis, she knows about my struggles with depression and burnout, she knows about my AuDHD, but of course i’m reluctant to lay it all out on the table and tbh, i don’t need to.

it’s hard to keep participating in society when you are so unstable and constantly alternate between feeling godly and trying to off yourself impulsively. it’s hard to function, let alone be at my best at work all the time.

but the first thing she asked me was how i was doing now, and that she noticed i’ve been looking better since my doctors visit. she recognised that i wasn’t doing well in recent ~2 months mentally, and im sure it showed in my performance, but she had no complaints at all and instead always encouraged me to take some time for myself.

all she said was just that she was glad to see me start to liven up again and to not worry about it too much, because “no one is always able to give 100%” and “the team will not go up in flames if i take some time for me sometimes” (bc im always overthinking my responsibility lol). at the end of the day, i work to live and shouldn’t live to work.

my evaluation was stellar and she had no complaints at all. she just gave me props for doing what i can and shared some future plans for me (expanding my work lol) and reminded me how happy they are with me and that i’ve been the foundation of a stable team (i cried internally). she’s never had any complaints about me in the year and a half that i’ve been here and she’s always appreciative.

so thinking about this made me think of that question again. i would take this and a little less financial comfort over going to work unhappy every day. idk if i would have flourished the way i did had they not recognised me as a person first and foremost, who’s not flawless and yet can still be valuable.

i’m not naive, at the end of the day it’s still a corporation in a capitalist society. i doubt i’ll be here forever, and every company would also have limits, so i’m just grateful for the space i can get and know better than to take advantage of that and start slacking.

i was skeptical at first because i know very well some employers act understanding in a predatory manner. but i don’t think it really matters to them anyway, as long as i stay transparent about my needs and state and dont take advantage of their trust. she finds it more important that i take care of myself and avoid getting in a burnout again. they also lose if i were to run myself amok to the point of being unable to work.

but regardless, after so many negative experiences, i’m really glad this is where i started my reintegration. it raised my standards tbh and next time, i know i won’t allow myself to let a mere job ruin me. i’ll find something better if it’s detrimental to my wellbeing. no employer deserves that of me bye

[mooglestiltzkin]

Ye Hua with all the questions in the Character Ask 😄.

evil!!!!

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

Dislike is a fucking understatement, bc his treatment of Bai Qian was awful IMO.

Ye Hua genuinely starts off okay, a little bland and boring, but that’s fine. His romance with Susu is a lil questionable, but they’re cute enough imo. And then Susu dies and returns to being Bai Qian, and that’s when the trouble begins.

Moving into her house, getting her staff to leave and expecting Bai Qian to cook, repeatedly punishing Bai Qian for not being Susu. Not telling Bai Qian that she’s Susu as a mortal… look I could give him some slack at first, but the longer it went on, my sympathies turned to frustration. And it just felt like he didn’t learn from it! Deciding to trap Bai Qian instead of fighting alongside her. Well. I don’t feel sorry for him temporarily dying!

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

He was a good dad! I don’t think that can be denied. I may have bones to pick about him being unsympathetic to Bai Qian’ explanation to letting A’Li being comatose for a week, (bc it didn’t feel like he listened to her at all), him being worried about his son was absolutely the right move, that he should chastise Bai Qian for the welfare of his son, but to come away with Bai Qian’s explanation about how that was normal to her with “I don’t think you would have if A’Li was your son” when it’s so clear that she fucking would, is just ugh.

He’s morally in the right here, but god, he’s aggravating.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

LMAOOOOOOO. Keeping silent about Susu to Bai Qian. I don’t fault Ye Hua for taking Susu’s eyes, there’s nothing he could have done against that tbh. But explaining the situation to either Susu or Bai Qian would have done wonders for his character development and it just!!! did not happen!!!! Although expecting Bai Qian to be exactly like Susu and not differentiating is an extremely close second.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Uhhh. Maybe something gothic like Wuthering Heights?

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

She Hates Me — Puddle of Mudd? Early Bai Qian/Ye Hua vibes, maybe??? I don’t really think of Ye Hua that much to go, “oh this is a Ye Hua song”.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

… we both don’t care for Su-Jin???

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Oh I have no clue. Compare him to the SML of Love Between Fairy and Devil? Realize that he’s not as great as initially thought?

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Consider him swoonworthy, when honestly he treated both Susu and Bai Qian awfully. (I did think he was cute with Susu, but that doesn’t negate how badly he treated her or their blandness.)

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Probably not?

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

No way!

11. Would you date this character?

He’s too Bai Qian/Susu obsessed, tbh. Before that, hm… not really.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I don’t think he ever got over Susu. He says he burnt her stuff for Bai Qian but then I don’t think I saw anything which showed that he actually liked Bai Qian for herself rather than the mortal trial she once was.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

🤬

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

Um. Goth, maybe? I think he wore black a lot?

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Ye Hua/Death.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Ye Hua/Bai Qian.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Ye Hua/Su Jin. It was never going to happen and gods, Su Jin was beyond tiresome, refusing to give up on him or even taking a hint but Ye Hua stabbing Su Jin was glorious! And still!!! Su Jin thought she had a chance!!!

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

He was cute with A’Li, I think? He’s a nice dad to his son.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Again, Bai Qian. I can’t remember most of the characters in TMOPB, or him interacting with many people, so I have to go back to her tbh.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Uh. Maybe Feng Jiu? IDK if they ever interacted, but maybe he’d like her for her silliness? Or maybe Si Ming? He’s silly but more sensible.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

Haven’t written for him.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

I wouldn’t read fic about Ye Hua.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

He does look good with long hair! I vaguely remember that from the opening? But I’m too lazy to find one of him.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Hm. Can’t really think of one. I guess Chengyin of LBFAD, but that’s only bc of the comparison essay tbh.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

He was fine to begin with? Didn’t mind him.

Now I just flat out despise him. It’s been years and… yeah.

26. What's something the character has done you can't get over? Be it something funny, bad, good, serious, whatever?

It’s got to be the moving into Bai Qian’s house son in tow just because they’ve been in an arranged marriage this entire time, and then refuses to leave like the encroaching entitled piece of shit he is. It only got worse from there.

Him not telling Bai Qian about Susu drives me mad, but to be fair, he didn’t understand what was going on, at first. So he gets a grace period for figuring things out, even though him continuously not telling Bai Qian puts such a sour taste in my mouth.

[pastramimommy]

6/2/24

Ok let's see how were doing!! The month of May was actually phenomenal, but the mental health took a teeny hit the last few days. I have been off orientation for 3 weeks and I am honestly having a really great experience so far. I don't feel overwhelmed!!! and I really do feel much more socially comfortable with everyone there. Just trying not to get too comfortable!

Habit consistency has been great, especially with pole. I recognized that if I want to many any progress, I need to dedicate more time to practicing at home. and I did a pretty good job with that, using youtube videos and recording myself. I changed my workout split to prioritize pole and calisthenics and enjoying it so far. Still slacking on the embroidery but I have 3 new projects loading so I have no excuse now. Completed my 1 book per month. the sourdough making is happening but we'll see if im making any progress when i cut into this loaf.

By 3.5 months I am honestly satisfied with the amount and quality of friends I have made and now its just time to focus on strengthening those new relationships. I successfully hosted 2 pregames and I have still been really assertive about hanging out with people. Best decision to DM kenzie bc I know we are going to be close. Getting closer with Gemma. Holly and Jackie are a lot of fun. And I foresee myself being closer with some of jackie's friends as well. I followed through with my goal to catch up with old friends more, including Lucky, Gerr and Omer. I will make a list of friends I need to catch up with. I also solidified trips to go back home so i can see the extended family and friends.

I'm finally starting to see some consistency with church and finding some sense of community there. I want to attended services a little bit longer before attending events. I have also been consistent with my morning guided prayer on weekdays, but I can feel myself getting distracted when i do it sometimes. I still feel this barrier with Jesus. and i cant really commit to a church if I don't confidently believe one of their most important pillars. I want to get there but i don't really know what work there is to do. I do believe that God has been paying special attention to my transition here and leaving me little easter eggs to make my life easier and i am so grateful. i am really working on giving up my anxieties about the whole living together situation to god because it is truly the only source of uneasiness in my life. but maybe it is my cross to bear and lesson that god wants me to learn.i think he is trying to demonstrate that i cannot control everything and in fact there is literally NOTHING i can do to help myself here. i really just need to have complete faith in god here.

I am having slightly increased anxiety about relationship stuff due to a conversation we had recently. his sister is not a huge fan of me after the white coat ceremony, so when i visit Philly i really have to put in effort. but it is just so stressful knowing that someone has negative feelings towards you. He also mentioned that he is anxious about living together after the incident nathan's bday, because he said it happened so soon after our convo about respect. Things I have realized: 1. i need to work on my tone and bluntness. 2. chris is way more sensitive than he ever let on or said he was 3. most of our issues happen in a going out setting. maybe I am just too damn much and need to know when to stop drinking and stay home. Maybe that will be the theme of 27? Ill be spending most of the time grinding anyway so I guess it is inevitable. I am having a lot of uneasiness and insecurity while he is gone. we are completely fine and happy when we are together. I really get in my head and have horrible thoughts when hes gone. i like to tell myself that im just overthinking things, but i am so scared that im not. i know he wouldnt cheat on me, but i have this horrible thought that he has been in situations where he considers that it might be worth it not to be with me to explore other options. but why is my brain going there?!

ugh, honestly i have nothing to complain about, life is good. i just need some sort of sense of security with him. but i know the best way i can get that is to just respect him and have faith that he will figure out the rest.

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW self harm, suicide/suicidal ideation

venting

I've been relapsing with self harm recently. But I feel like I can't tell anyone (if one of my friends reads this I'm sorry)

I'm like, I should probably talk to my counsellor about this. Because it's more than the usual one-off. But I don't want to be sent to the hospital or something bc I'm a "danger to myself"

Even tho it's really not that bad. It really isn't. I've hardly gone very deep at all. It barely even counts. And whenever I'm done I look at myself and I think, you should've done more, that was barely anything, you deserve more, but I can't bring myself to, and I know I probably should stop. But the thing that matters is the intent and emotions behind it, I know. So that's still there. Even if I feel like it doesn't really count. It feels so stupid though. bc this is a stupid thing I shouldn't be doing anymore. Fuck, it feels cringey. I'm nearing 30. Only teenagers self harm. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be over it by now. Why am I doing it?

(Not to imply that teenagers are stupid, idk how to explain it but it feels kind of like. When you look at yourself from a few months or a few years ago and you cringe bc you've changed so much and have totally different opinions and stuff and wonder, god how was I like that? It's like that)

And I obviously can't tell my parents, and I don't wanna talk to my sister about it because it seems like too much. And I'm worried that any of them (parents and sister) would potentially try to get me in the hospital

And I don't wanna talk to my friends about it bc I. I feel like. Like a negative influence in their lives rn. bc I've been sick. For just about 2 weeks now. And I can't say I'm 100% better bc I still have a little phlegm. And idk I'm probably not contagious anymore but I don't wanna risk it bc of stuff I can't say publicly bc that's their business. But basically I really really don't want to get them sick, I can't. So unless I'm absolutely positively 100% certain that I'm not sick anymore I can't see them. But we had plans. And they kept having to get delayed. And that stressed me out. So much. Because they're waiting on me. And I told them to do it without me but they insisted they'd wait. And I feel shitty for making that happen bc I have a bitch of a cold that just won't fully go away

And I'm stressed about school. I'll definitely need to take this class again if I wanna do honours like I'm thinking of doing. But I'm also starting to wonder if I should even do this shit? Have I been wasting my time? Can I do this shit? I don't know anymore. It feels like it's out of my reach to do this

So I'm taking this class and hardly passing it which has been extremely stressful, dealing with a group project for another class that has been a nightmare and I've been stressed about that and I wish I could've taken the reins and taken initiative on more than I did this semester but I'm just so tired. Of always having to do that. Of always being the one putting in the most care and effort into my group projects. I'm so tired. In general. And I just couldn't do it this time. But now bc I got sick I've been paranoid that it looks like I've been slacking now!! So I'm putting in more effort to make sure my groupmates know that I'm not, to make sure they know I'm contributing, bc there's a peer review aspect to this project and I don't want them to think I'm a lazy asshole bc I couldn't go to the one class shit was probably finally getting organized, I had to sit on the sidelines. And I feel like most of the work I've done for this project has been useless and that's making me even more paranoid

And the stress of all of this. Of thinking I should probably tell someone about the relapsing but feeling like I can't. And about this class I'm gonna have to retake. And this group project. And wondering if I should even be going down the path I'm trying to go down academically and professionally and maybe I should just stay at my current job for the rest of my life even though I hate the working conditions and the workplace culture there. And being stressed ABOUT being sick bc I feel like I'm letting everyone down. And now having to cram a fuckton of schoolwork that I was planning to do over the course of a couple weeks into a few days bc I had multiple days where I did literally nothing in the hopes that resting would help me get over this quicker so I could stop letting everyone down. All of this stress. Is making me even more stressed and frustrated bc I think it's contributing to me STAYING sick. But I can't just make it all go away. I need to do this hw. I'm not ready to talk about the self harm stuff bc I'm scared I'll end up in the hospital and the trajectory I'm on will all go to waste bc I'll lose however much time bc it turns out I'm quite mentally ill actually and need to deal with that before living my goddamn life and making a career for myself. The cold isn't going away and every day it's still there just adds to the stress. I can't do it. I can't

I'm almost tempted to do something really bad that I can't take back. I'm holding out for the good things I know are coming. The Fools Gold kickstarter rewards hopefully shipping out this january. A concert with my friends in february. A concert with my sister december next year. Fuck, idk, Dan and Phil bringing the gaming channel back and doing Dan vs. Phil S2, it's stupid but it can keep me going. But idk if I can hold out for much else rn besides the people I love, even though I don't feel like I'm worth it rn

I feel like a piece of shit and I'm stressed out about so many things that feel like they shouldn't matter but still stress me out

[unbridgeabledistances]

okayyy so i had something heavier/hurt-comforty in the works as a gapfiller about mickey processing (bc we all need that!!!) but this fluffy little 3+1 about ian and mickey singing to each other happened instead— i hope u enjoy💞

a 3+1 of 3 times ian sang to mickey, and one time mickey sang to ian (to give context to the absolutely wild 11x09 serenade)

also the biggest shoutout to @southside-forever’s 80s gallavich playlist which has SO many bops and inspired bits of this😌

--

1.

Mickey didn’t really know when it all started— Ian was always fucking humming these days, always whistling or singing some tune under his breath when he came out of the shower. He was more buoyant recently, lighter— the security gig was going well, and these days it felt like something looming and heavy had lifted, releasing the crooked hunch out of Ian’s shoulders that had taken root the sour morning weeks before as he shoveled Fruit Loops and Jameson into his mouth. Since then, it felt like he and Ian were finally on the same goddamn page for once— like they had a purpose, like they were moving forward.

Or at least, moving forward on the weekdays— but today was a slow, lazy Saturday, and Mickey was still laying in bed in a tank top and boxers, sweaty and entangled in the crumpled sheets, laying back with his head on the pillow and playing some overly-gory sharpshooter game on his phone. He’d been trying to beat this fucking level a million times, but his thumb couldn’t move quickly enough at the pivotal moment when he had to shoot a bunch of enemy forces— he’d been at the game for a good half hour, since when Ian had sleepily stumbled off of the mattress sporting a full bedhead to go take a shower, and Mickey was starting to get a tinny, sharp headache from staring at his phone screen for too long. He was just starting to consider getting up, to peel off his sweaty tank top and head downstairs to grab some coffee— when Ian came into the room from his shower, a fraying towel wrapped around his lower half and his torso slick with excess water droplets. Mickey flickered his eyes up from his game for a moment, taking an… appreciative glance, and then quickly focused his attention back on his pixelated mission as Ian stood in front of the dresser in the cramped bedroom, and started to rustle through the drawers for a t-shirt.

Mickey maneuvered his buff video game avatar through a minefield, biting his lip in concentration— when his sharp focus was suddenly infiltrated by Ian, singing under his breath in an airy tone.

“Ooooooh we’re halfway there.”

Mickey gritted his teeth slightly and tried to pour all his attention into the pivotal moment of the level, but half of his mind was being pulled to listen to Ian’s gravelly voice, continuing to softly murmur to himself in a tone that was ridiculously off-key.

“She says we’ve gotta hoooold on, to what we’ve got—”

Mickey’s phone screen flickered. GAME OVER.

Mickey wanted to throw his phone at the fucking wall. He inhaled, then pressed “Start Game” again, one last time— and again, his focus was disrupted by Ian, singing under his breath as he pulled on his jeans and gently pattered his hands in a rhythm on the top of the dresser— which was endearing and sappy as fuck, sure, but it was not helping Mickey with the task at hand. Mickey puffed out a sharp, frustrated breath, keeping his eyes on his phone screen.

“The fuck are you singing for right now?”

Ian suddenly gave a sheepish smile over his shoulder as he rifled through their sock drawer, like he’d been caught in the middle of doing something wrong.

“Don’t know. Song was just stuck in my head I guess.”

Mickey glared at Ian, pressing his thumb to the screen to pause his game. “Cut that shit out.”

Ian rolled his eyes fondly, sitting on the edge of the mattress to pull on his socks. “You should be thanking me for serenading you with your fucking eighties dad music. I could be singing Carly Rae Jepson right now, or some other pop bullshit that you hate.”

Mickey felt an involuntary, amused smirk split onto his face, and he tried to turn it into a scowl. Fucking adorable motherfucker.

“Okay, tough guy. If anything you should be thanking me for cleansing your ears from the techno garbage that you used to listen to.”

Ian gave a soft smile, shoulders turning fully towards Mickey now that he’d finished pulling on his socks— and then he turned and clambered into the bed, hovering above Mickey and causing Mickey’s fingers to go slack around his phone case. Mickey could smell the warm, freshly-showered scent of him, all cheap bar soap and Old Spice deodorant, and felt the soft press of his t-shirt through Mickey’s thin tank top— an overly worn t-shirt, one of Mickey’s, that stretched just a little too tight over Ian’s torso.

Ian looked down at Mickey, fucking beaming for some reason, his eyes light. He swooped down, pressing a soft, quick kiss above Mickey’s eyebrow. And then—

“Take my haaaand, we’ll make it I sweeear”

Mickey felt an involuntary, uncomfortable chuckle bubble up out of his ribcage. Was Ian fucking… singing? To him? It definitely seemed like it. And as much as he didn’t want it to, because this was fucking sappy and ridiculous and… well, gay— Mickey couldn’t help the fact that his husband leaning over him, breathily singing the tune of one of their goddamn wedding songs in his husky tone-deaf voice, made Mickey’s blood run a little bit hotter; which was bullshit, because absolutely nothing about this should be hot, and it was probably the most disgustingly married thing that Mickey could think of— but apparently everything about Ian, every dorky and fucking god-awful cringey thing that he did, was a turn-on, or at least according to Mickey’s thudding heartbeat and sweaty palms right now.

Ian’s face was still hovering centimeters above his, his eyebrows raised triumphantly and sporting a sappy fucking grin, like he knew how affected Mickey was by this, no matter how much Mickey grumbled and complained and tried to hide it.

Mickey rolled his eyes. “You’re fucking soft, Gallagher.”

Ian just leaned down again, kissing up the slope of Mickey’s neck and biting at his earlobe—and, okay, maybe Mickey could get behind Ian’s singing after all.

 2.

Ian’s singing was starting to get fucking ridiculous— and as much as it made something deep inside Mickey feel a light pang of relief, to see Ian being his old bubbly self again in the rhythms of routine and held by the safety net of financial stability because of the security gig that made the air between them less stale, it also meant that they were also around each other pretty much 24/7, and Ian’s serenades were starting to get relentless.

While they pretty much had a common ground in liking nostalgic 80s music, they would still inevitably argue about what music to play in the ambulance every morning— and whatever shitty album they eventually chose to put on, whether it was Ian’s pop garbage of Mickey’s mellower 80s tunes, Ian’s brain would apparently absorb all the songs like a fucking sponge and he’d start singing them all day long—in the kitchen, in the shower, even when they were just laying in bed on their phones and Ian would constantly hum absentmindedly.

Today they were driving to some bougie dispensary in Glencoe, near a bunch of ridiculous mansions on the very outskirts of the city, and it was Ian’s turn to pick the music— Mickey usually elected one of the well-loved CDs that he’d jammed into the glove compartment as they were refurbishing the ambulance, CDs that he’d kept since he was a kid when he piled them high in the corner of his grimy room next to a half-broken boombox— but as much as they were Mickey’s comfort CDs, Ian could only listen to Bon Jovi so many times before he started to slander 80s music as a collective genre.

“Can we just listen to something by someone who isn’t older than us, just this once?”

“Easy for you to say, Gallagher. At least the music that I like has fucking words.”

When it was Ian’s turn to pick the music, he usually picked more modern stuff with heavy beats and a thrumming bass (though more often than not he also appeased Mickey’s tastes with some “80s throwback” playlist he’d found on Spotify that he’d noticed Mickey would bob his head along to)—but on longer drives, like this one, it was easy to butt heads about the soundtrack. Ian had allowed Mickey to play through one of his Queen CDs that morning, and then Ian had put on some whiny indie bullshit from a playlist on his phone for the other half of the drive— now they were heading home after a long day, with the stereo turned low to a local radio station.

They’d settled into a comfortable silence, as they often did at the end of the day when their energy faded— Ian had stopped pattering his hands on the steering wheel like he usually did when he was amped up and buzzing with energy in the mornings, and Mickey could tell they were both ready to collapse onto the couch the second they set foot in the door.

Mickey blew out a deflated breath and reached to turn up the radio, tuning in to some middle-aged host with a cheery voice chattering about the heat wave in Chicago that upcoming weekend—and then the airwaves went silent, and there was the overdramatic sound of a slamming door and a gospel choir.

Ian’s ears nearly fucking perked up at the sound as the opening chords began.

“Life is a mystery… Everyone must stand alone…”

Ian immediately raised his voice to join in, the tired slouch leaving his shoulders.

“I hear you call my naaaame”

He turned to Mickey and pointed overdramatically, causing Mickey to shove his arm away but unable to quell the overly fond grin that he knew was blooming on his face.

“And it feels like… home.”

The beat dropped, rolling into the chorus, and Ian energetically drummed his hands against the steering wheel once more.

“C’mon, Mick!” Ian laughed, throwing his head back dramatically as he sang while still trying to keep his eyes on the road.

“When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer, I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there.” Ian’s pitchiness clashed with the melody, but he was too focused on singing and bopping side to side in this seat to really care.

Mickey rolled his eyes, his lips still turned upwards at the corners while he watched his absolute dork of a husband jamming to Madonna. “Isn’t this song about giving someone a blowjob or some shit?”

Ian gave an easygoing laugh. “Technically, yes. And it’s also definitionally a gay anthem, which means you have to sing with me.”

Mickey scoffed and flipped Ian off. “Fuck off.”

Ian raised a playful eyebrow, and continued to sing with relentless eye contact:

“It’s like a dreeeeam, no end and no beginning”

Mickey felt heat rise into his cheeks against his will. No fucking way was he going to sing a Madonna song about a blowjob stone-cold sober at 2pm on a Tuesday while driving home from work with his fucking husband—which, wow, that was probably the gayest sentence that had ever crossed Mickey’s mind in his 26 years of existence (which was definitely saying a lot).

This wasn’t ever a place Mickey thought he’d be in— sitting beside Ian so comfortably, singing fucking songs while they drove home from their daily commute; getting to soak up all the warmth, all the brightness that had always radiated out of Ian so intensely that it nearly blinded him, a warmth that he’d always wanted to lean in closer to even when they were just scrawny kids in a shitty neighborhood still figuring everything out.

Maybe, just maybe— it was okay to lean in a little more.

By the time the chorus rolled around the third time, Mickey was begrudgingly humming along, like he usually did whenever the songs that Ian was singing on and endless loop got stuck in his own head and popped up while he was brushing his teeth or making toast for breakfast— by the time the final rhythmic chorus faded to silence on the radio waves, Mickey glanced over at Ian, singing at the top of his lungs, face slightly flushed and grinning ear to ear.

“Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there.”

3.

Ian and Mickey were walking down the moonlit sidewalk, veering back home after an evening at Lip’s— the night had honestly been weirdly enjoyable, which was definitely a welcome reprieve from all of Lip and Debbie’s intense back-and-forths about the house over the past few weeks. Tami and Lip had needed to go over to Brad and Cami’s for some bullshit crisis management about the stolen bikes, and Ian had readily agreed to watch Freddie— which meant that whether he liked it or not, Mickey had spent his Friday evening at Lip’s half-packed apartment watching Ian coo over a one-year-old, which was… not a totally unwelcome sight.

Trying to keep his shit together, Mickey had snapped a picture to send to the Gallagher family group chat, and everyone had immediately given them shit about being so eager to babysit and get their hands on a toddler like a couple of baby-crazed newlyweds—which had caused Mickey to start overzealously complaining in the groupchat to compensate while Ian occupied Freddie. Kev had noticed the texts and swung by Lip and Tami’s house after closing the Alibi to keep the two of them company, bringing by a pack of beers—and now he and Ian were warm and happily buzzed, relieved of their babysitting duties and walking the chilly city streets back towards the Gallagher house.

Halfway through the walk Ian had interlaced their fingers, and now their arms were swinging slightly as they turned the final corner to walk down the last stretch of pavement towards the chain-link fence—when suddenly, Ian stopped cold a few houses away from the Gallagher front porch. He looked down at Mickey, raising their entangled hands and pressing a kiss to the inside of Mickey’s wrist.

Mickey raised an eyebrow in confusion, and Ian just looked back at him—his cheeks glowing pink from the few beers, his eyes light and unguarded under the streetlamps.

“This spot reminded me of something.”

Mickey rolled his eyes. Of fucking course it did. Ian was a sappy motherfucker on the best of days, but with a couple of beers in him he was practically uncontrollable.

“What?”

All of a sudden Ian let go of his hand, punching into the air dramatically.

“Cause love is a battlefiiiield”

Mickey laughed, feeling warm hot blood rush to his cheeks in delight—and fuck, he loved his husband so goddamn much. And just this once, mostly because of the own alcohol running thick in his bloodstream, Mickey made the lurching decision to join in, stepping closer towards Ian and raising his hands equally as dramatically.

“No promises, no demands”

“Woooooah”

Ian had practically doubled over with laughter, tears welling in the corner of his eyes—and Mickey let himself get lost in it, the warm feeling buzzing through his body, of love and joy and fuck knows what else, getting to sing on a fucking street corner with his husband a decade after everything had gone so gut-wrenchingly wrong, leaving him bleeding on this same pavement.

They stumbled over their own feet up the stairs, fumbling out of their clothes and collapsing into bed—and later, just as Mickey was on the brink of fading into unconsciousness, Ian mumbled the same refrain into the crook of Mickey’s neck in a sleepy voice, like the song was still stuck in his head and he just couldn’t help it.

“Love is a battlefield.”

4.

It was late— it was one of those slow, tender nights when the past was hanging heavy over them, laying pressed together in bed as thin streams of moonlight poured in through the blinds, pressing whispers into each other’s skin about all of the hurt and the doubt that had been seeped up and healed with time.

Ian was sprawled back on the bed and Mickey was laying with his head resting on his chest, feeling his ribcage expand and contract each time he took a breath. They’d absorbed so much the past few weeks— the sick, twisted blows of a loss that felt all the more jagged and painful because of how muddled the grief for Terry was—but after a few days had passed they’d found a place to settle, in the comforting press of the silence in their bedroom.

Mickey was mindlessly playing with Ian’s fingers, listening to his steady breathing—and without thinking, he ran a finger over the cool silver of Ian’s wedding band, letting out a breathy chuckle.

“I still can’t believe we’re married sometimes, man.”

Mickey could feel Ian’s lips curve upward into a smile from where his mouth was pressed against the top of Mickey’s head.

“Yeah, me either.”

And Mickey felt something bubbling, something welling— and he didn’t ever fucking sing, not unless Ian made him, but Ian was always fucking dropping song lines into sappy moments like this.

So he took a breath, and, half-singing but mostly talking, in a way that sounded almost mocking if it wasn’t so soft around the edges, he let out into the dark silence of the room:

“At last….”

He wasn’t even singing, not really—he was just sort of… saying the words in a singsongy way, but he knew that Ian could tell what he was doing, what he was trying to do. He was trying to be as fucking sweet and soft and pliant as Ian was, as Ian always was in moments like this, in a way that sometimes made Mickey feel brittle and hard in comparison. This time, Mickey wanted to breathe out the love he had for him into this moment, the love that made his ribcage feel like it was going to fucking burst— a love that he felt erupting outwards when Ian had played this song for him for the first time a few weeks before the wedding, and had asked with a shy smile, “D’you think it’d be okay if you walked down the aisle to this song?”

Ian’s chest shook with laughter, and he carded a hand through Mickey’s hair. And then, in his gentle, sleep-soft voice, in a breathy tone that tickled the shell of Mickey’s ear:

“My looove has come along”

Mickey rolled his eyes fondly, just to prove something to himself, even though he knew Ian couldn’t see him—and then he reached a hand upward and leaned back, drawing Ian’s chin forward to press his lips to his for a brief, lingering moment.

Mickey settled back against Ian’s chest again, and felt Ian press a kiss to the top of his head. He smiled contentedly, closing his heavy eyelids.

Maybe being a couple of sappy motherfuckers wasn’t so bad.

[locktobre]

bcbd thoughts

right away I see that this is only an hour long, so... it’s not a movie, then. it’s a one hour special, again. I feel like I’m already gonna miss the extra 20 minutes just like dolphin magic but we’ll see I guess. maybe it’ll be a mercy that it’s shorter.

the opening credits/dream sequence was nice. the animation on the city is decent, and the monochrome thing was kind of cool.

her being on stage reminded me a little of Eden, and then immediately I missed Eden so much. they would never let a version of Babs be a bitch now and that’s such a shame.

so now we’re joking about George tracking Barbie’s cell phone? bc that’s fine and not at all an invasion of privacy or anything. also, you can check flight statuses on the internet so that’s really not necessary. also, why the fuck didn’t Barbie call them once she got off the plane? or at least text? I always text or call my mom when I land, and frankly I’m not even as close to my mom as Barbie claims to be to her parents. and I did that when I was 17 traveling alone, too, so it’s not just something I do as an adult. it’s part of the responsibility of traveling to let ppl know that you got somewhere safe so they don’t worry about you. what the fuck Babs.

was that honking supposed to be like censoring the cabbie swearing bc I would love that. let the cabbie say fuck.

I still maintain that this “summer program” thing is bullshit and Babs should have been going off to college. I know they won’t let her grow up but it makes more sense than this does. also, you’re telling me there’s no summer programs for acting/whatever in LA? seriously? she HAD to go across the country for this? and her parents let her? they don’t even trust her! they said that 2 seconds ago! or is tracking her cell phone the reason she’s allowed to travel across the country (to Willows and Florida and Hawaii) by herself in the first place? I hate this I hate it so much already

The Handler Arts Academy... oh I’m feeling emotions

“luck’s got nothing to do with it. you worked your tail off for this” SHOW ME FOR WHEN, PLEASE. this could have been an actual arc of the show, a goal Barbie was working towards that could thread thru multiple episodes... but no. this came out of nowhere. I’m STILL saying that Amelia bought Barbie’s place here bc FUCK YOU SHOW

“I hope I’m good enough” you’re a mediocre rich white woman, you can do literally anything you want.

why is her guitar shoved in a cardboard box and not, idk, in a guitar case? that’s stupid. also, that’s an open cardboard box, so how did that travel on the plane? a closed cardboard box, fine. should be a suitcase, but fine. but this just makes no sense and I am not going to let it slide bc I hate this continuity and everything about it.

however, I will give Brooklyn a pass for the open cardboard box bc she literally lives in NYC and didn’t have to take a fucking plane to get here. she can carry it like that if she wants.

“as long as you don’t break [my leg], we’re good” I’ve already seen Brooklyn in a cast, so... does Malibu literally break her leg later on? even on accident... jesus christ.

is this Russian(?) custodian lady gonna be the antagonist/villain? bc I’m already not vibing with that. not at fucking all.

how the FUCK could they show up a day early? why would they not show up on the day they’re supposed to? that doesn’t make any sense! and if they’re NOT supposed to be there yet, then there would be no staff there to watch them, so they should have to come back tomorrow! they shouldn’t be allowed to be by themselves in a school like this! I’m assuming this is to facilitate a day of bonding without stupid things like classes in the way, but they could have written an orientation day or something in that would have made more sense, and as I said, I am not inclined to give them a pass on anything these days. fuck you all.

so, room assignments are alphabetical... I guess that kind of explains them being in the same room, altho it does feel coincidental that they wouldn’t be, like, in neighboring rooms. also they didn’t animate little signs on the other doors, even with nonsense text if they didn’t want to put other names up, so their door really sticks out for no reason. also, shouldn’t it say “Barbie Roberts & Barbie Roberts” or some other way of having both names on the door? also, if the school knows they have the same name, couldn’t they put middle initials or something? we know Malibu is Barbie M. Roberts, and I will generously assume that Brooklyn’s middle name is something else, so that would have been fine. this really feels like the administrators don’t give a fuck, and in a supposedly prestigious school, I don’t buy that.

so, Brooklyn has been training every summer in different programs, very intensely, to get in here... and Malibu trained on the internet. what have I been saying about Malibu’s white mediocrity? hmm?

even after that (lackluster) montage, it feels way too soon for “Before Us.” I don’t believe they’re best friends who warrant a song about their friendship. I don’t believe that at all.

I like the bald fashionista being on the billboard, that’s a nice touch.

Malibu bringing up her vlog like that gives me hives. she has already stated multiple times that she does that to help ppl, not for clout, and yet. here she is. being a fake ass bitch once again.

Brooklyn and Emmie’s story is already way more interesting than this and I’m pissed that’s just backstory.

LOVE that green-haired dude. idk where you’re going with that drum but godspeed my dude.

I’m assuming that’s Emmie incognito in the back, but... what’s she doing here if she’s already famous? pulling an Erika Juno?

Dean Morrison seems cool

(is it too early to ship Brooklyn x Emmie?)

if pets are allowed in this school, I’m SHOCKED Malibu didn’t bring Taffy. truly fucking shocked.

Rafa reminds me so much of Jacques Rousseau

“the only labels we believe in are designer” so Rafa’s gay, right? Barbie’s first gay character? I can only assume

the ballet thing still doesn’t make sense to me, if their goal is to be on Broadway. ballet is an entire art and discipline in itself.

fencing makes more sense, bc stage fighting is a thing.

‘work it’ is even funnier than I imagined. Malibu you’re such a fuck up. and I can’t even cut you some slack bc earlier you said your training was “internet.” you didn’t work for this and you don’t belong here. die.

if this was PCS, Malibu would have been kicked out already. YOU WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS.

so, the ‘work it’ montage clearly showed the passage of time, it’s been at least a week, and... Malibu hasn’t talked to Ken at all during that time? this is the first time she’s telling him about Brooklyn?

ok, confirmed to be a week. and she hasn’t talked to Ken. of course. they are so close of course she hasn’t talked to him in a week, especially when she’s been struggling so much and would need to vent to a friend about it. of course.

so, Emmie is pulling an Erika Juno. at least she’s in disguise.

jesus christ, they’re really having Emmie be exploited by her own father??? JESUS.

ok Brooklyn x Emmie is sailing.

Brooklyn’s mom is an airline pilot, that sounds cool.

so the dresses are powered by the magic of friendship? cool. that’s stupid.

of COURSE Emmie’s dad is the board member. jesus christ I hate this dude.

okay, so she DIDN’T break her leg, it’s only a sprain. thank god. poor green-haired drum dude.

saying “epic fail” in 2021 unironically is not cool, mattel. unless I’m even more out of touch with the youth than I thought, but I’m pretty sure about that.

wait, so Brooklyn was dancing... and now she’s on crutches again? what is this montage? they fucked up here.

of all things to kick Malibu out for, they’re saying she pushed Brooklyn? why not all the fuck ups in her first week?

also, Rafa was taping that class so how do they not bring that up immediately? that’s the whole reason they were dancing over there in the first place! (so he might not have caught anything, but still, I have to assume that’s going to fix this bc that’s what these movies do.)

I really like Malibu’s leather jacket look, but she does look a little bit old I think. Brooklyn’s leggings look is nice, too.

okay, so Brooklyn suddenly believes the unnamed witness over the girl she sang ‘before us’ with? okay. I told you this friendship was a crock of shit. they don’t trust each other at all! Brooklyn should have been angry when she first fell, and it builds to thinking that she was sabotaged, but she brushed it off... and now she’s pissed. that makes no sense.

this friendship breakup song also means nothing to me bc their friendship fell apart for such a stupid reason. fate didn’t tear you apart, you tore yourselves apart by not trusting each other. stupid little children.

if Brooklyn’s ankle isn’t completely healed aka still painful, she should not be dancing on it, she could injure herself more or at least prolong the healing process.

ok, so NOW, after Malibu has already been expelled and sent back home, they remembered the video. these kids are so fucking stupid. and of COURSE the unnamed witness is Mr Miller! Emmie, you ALREADY KNOW that your dad is shady as shit and wants you to get the Spotlight Solo! HOW DID YOU NOT PUT THIS TOGETHER IN 5 SECONDS? I DID

so, Mr Miller thought Malibu was Emmie’s biggest competition for the solo? Malibu, the spectacular fuck up? not Brooklyn? or any of the background extras? I refuse to fucking believe that. I REFUSE.

how did George and Margaret just let Malibu get expelled without flying out there to fight the charge? seriously?

how is is Brooklyn singing ‘before us’ in-universe such that Malibu recognizes it? you’re breaking the conventions of musicals! I don’t get this!

I like Brooklyn’s mom being a pilot less after it’s been used to facilitate this bullshit part of the plot.

again, just “Barbie Roberts” makes no sense. where’s a middle initial to differentiate them! SOMETHING! I know they’re doing the finale together, but still, it’s STUPID.

shipping Rafa x green-haired drummer dude bc I can

where’s the Emmie doll for this movie?????? I’m so disappointed. also the other outfits, the leather jacket and leggings ones, I swear those weren’t dolls either. what the fuck

I see more fashionistas on billboards at the end! I really like that

so the custodian wasn’t a villain... then why that introduction for her? that went nowhere

is “Big City Big Dreams” supposed to be Emmie’s song? that Malibu lips-synced to on her vlog (apparently)? I can’t tell by the voice and they don’t list the voices for the songs in the credits

overall, once again it largely made no sense. idk if it would have benefitted from 20 extra minutes of screentime bc nothing really happened.

also, what the fuck happened to Mr Miller? he just keeps on exploiting his daughter? and for that matter, what happened to Emmie’s mom? bc she lived with her, and then all of the sudden her dad was in her life again and exploiting her, so... what did mom die? did he kill her? what am I supposed to think? and Emmie’s STILL stuck in that situation? girl. what the fuck

also of course they were too cowardly to confirm anything about Rafa. of course.

[yeocult]

ATEEZ as students studying

HONGJOONG:

king of self-care! but studies for 15 minutes then take a 2 hour break and calls it self-care (omg he thinks he’s me or smth)

has power naps every single day at least 30 mins because he’s Stressed

always thinking of ways to drop out during the middle of lectures

that one kid that talks to nobody & sits at the back of the class with his hood on to hide his airpods

doesn’t do it anymore bc one time it disconnected and “there’s some whores in this house” blasted out loud & now he’s paranoid

shows up to group studies but lets the group carry him,,, but he puts out One Really good idea to get his name on the paper

only cares about topics he’s interested in, other than that he’s just astral projecting

“yo can you send me your answers so i can compare mine?” but he copies it and says “we got the same answers” (all men do is lie</3)

calculates his marks; “ok so i need at least a 80 on this...oh wait no, a 95...damn okay...”

the type to arrives late with ice coffee

SEONGHWA:

wakes up at 5 am to study instead of staying up

scented candles and lofi music for the ~studying mood~

a linguistic learner

learns best by teaching others so he’ll do group studies often to help other people

teaches people without making them feel dumb

uses grammarly for his emails with 3 paragraphs asking 1 question with a proper greeting and a ‘sincerely, park seonghwa’

professor: ok - sent from iphone

you’ll never see him during exams week, he’s Gone

a loyal user of the outline method

his desk must be cleared at all times! a clean workspace makes it easier to focus

brings extra pencil just in case anyone needs them bc he’s the sweetest person ever (he’s fully aware that he’ll never get them back but it’s okay bc sharing is caring)

does his readings on time (you’ll never catch him slacking)

actually has his shit together for the most part 1/2

YUNHO:

writes “i love you” or “sorry” at the end of his tests (that he bombed)

the type to ask you to print “just one thing real quick” and it’s 15 page and at 2 am

uses emojis like :D & \(^o^)/ when sending emails to his professors

has a bad habit of copying word for word on the slide and he doesn’t actually understand/learn anything

goes to the library bc he thinks that’ll help him be in the ~studying vibe~

it doesn’t. ends up texting or watching youtube gameplay

has never heard of the colour-coding system in his entire life and ends up with a page filled with neon highlight

snacks breaks are the only thing keeping him Normal

leaves himself an encouraging note at the end of the reading page so when he’s finished he feels good !!

friends with all of the professors and uses all office hours

strongest points are his guessing skills in multiple-choice questions (process of elimination ftw!)

he tries his best, doesn’t care about marks that much because he knows it doesn’t determine him (and he’s right!)

YEOSANG:

probably runs a studyblr/gram

has the cutest note ever, his handwriting is so pretty!!

he thinks that buying an ipad pro & apple pencil will make him smarter

likes it bc he can doodle on it then erase them easily :”)

has to wear blue ray glasses because of how he looks at a screen so much

mildliners, muji 0.38 gel pen, 6 ring binder, minimal planner, washi tapes, you name it! he visits muji and daiso every other week

buys wayyy too many planners and notebooks which he never ends up using

only uses pastel mildliners because they’re easy on the eyes. cringes every time he sees yunho’s highlighters v_v

his flaw is that he spends 10 mins writing his header with brush tip pens

mutes the group project gc but gets his part done like the good classmate he is

sweats every time he gets an assignment back, takes a whole ten minute to mentally prepare himself

a visual learner; makes mind maps, flow charts, etc

actually has a working printer that he uses pretty often to prints lessons before class just to be Extra prepare

tells everyone he slept well but his bullet journal habit tracker for sleep says otherwise (plz rest!!)

exclusively uses college ruled paper like the sane person he is

SAN:

uses wide-ruled paper (unfortunately not everyone is perfect</3)

starts off very positive, motivated, and organized

then everything goes downhill by the second week

will definitely set byeol on top of his keyboard, take a picture, and send it to his professor as an ‘excuse’ as why he needs an extension (it works)

can’t sit still for any longer than 30 mins, his legs are always bouncing or fidgeting with pen

flashcard king! spends a lot of time on them but it’s worth it

a utensil chewer (always willing to share his pencil but when ppl saw the bite marks they’re like No Thanks >_>)

can’t study well with groups or himself bc he’ll be distracted,,, so he needs one person that can ground him bc when they’re in the zone, he will too be on his x game mode

sends his assignment at 11:58 pm hoping his professor will take the Hint (plz don’t be afraid to ask for help u_u)

prefers listening to ghibli studio soundtracks but then he either gets emotional or sleepy

sometimes forget to mute his mic and we just hear him groaning in frustration

“haha sorry i just stubbed my toe...”

then mutes his mic and goes back to his mental breakdown

MINGI:

the only person that studies every single day just to get his brain used to the information and running

probably listens to anime op or edm music for that Energy Boost

everyone either hates or love him because...

1. loves him bc he always comes clutched with study guides (and willing to share if he likes you enough)

2. he’s good at everything even if he’s not paying attention/doing it last minute

just naturally good at retaining information and applying them

asks Big Brain question that even the professors are shook

sometimes he gets super into the topic and wants to know Everything

“i’ve never failed an exam in my life” and he’s right! big brain mingi

fetal flaw is that he forgets easily (hence why the last minute) and has to write on his palm as a reminder

clicks his pens All the time so he switched to pens with caps just to keep others from jumping him

takes naps 10 mins before classes

actually has his shit together for the post part 2/2

“if no one got me, i know khan academy and quizlet got me. can i get an amen”

WOOYOUNG:

y’all know that one mf that doesn’t have a pencil?

yea he’s been using the same one someone lend to him before a test and never returned it

it’s been two months and it’s still working well and they’re never going to get it back

a minimalist,,,, but in a bad way</3 bc he carries his stolen pencil and paper that he spilled his energy drink over and that’s about it

just throw loose papers in his bag and forgets about their existence

doesn’t do binders or notebooks, just crumbled up paper

sometimes carries a textbook just to show everyone that he’s got his life together

really noisy for No reason, always wants to know other’s marks

a kinesthetic learner

hides his screen with he gets the kahoot questions wrong (you’ll never catch him slippin)

plays coolmathgames.com during class

doesn’t really know what to study/prioritize so he overwhelms himself with every single topic ever

thinks he’s god by pulling an all-nighter to look at the 60+ slides last minute

Swears he’ll change and do better next semester,,,</3

goes to the cafe, takes pictures of his notes & laptop, post it on his story, then leaves

JONGHO:

thrives off of red bull and ice americanos

gets notes and study guides from his upperclassmen because everyone loves jongho

an audio learner so he’ll probably work out or go on a jog while listening to lessons/audiobook

never pulls all-nighters bc it messes up his sleep schedule and says he’ll do it in the morning but he never does

doesn’t even own a highlighter, he’ll circle or underline stuff with a red or black pen

has never touched a textbook in his life

only the study guides and slides, his textbook is collecting dust rn

his notes are literally Only for him because his handwriting only makes sense to him

has questionable handwriting,,, it’s like decoding

multitasks a lot but it ends up taking a lot longer than he wanted to (bc it’s a myth)

very spontaneous; he’ll grind for 5 hours straight but sometimes he won’t even touch a pencil

works best when he talks about the work in groups and share information with each other, like having a convo about the topic

unmutes his mic Once after the lesson to say “bye”

does his work right after the lessons but then takes a short break & doesn’t even Look back for the rest of the night

-

a/n: tag yourself ! i’m a bit of hohong (i projected myself on all of them in some way lmaooo)

[diobrando]

Idk how to do a read more on mobile anymore lol but uhhh idk keep scrolling since this is about my dogs

So I've got 2 senior German Shepards and their lifespan is between 10-14 years and ofc less if theyre boys (which they are) and one of my dogs is already 14 (if im remembering correctly and we got him for my uncle back in 2008) and the other dog we have no real way of knowing his age bc he was a stray that my brother forced me to take care of... it was a whole thing bc the dog wouldn't leave bc my brother kept giving him food and water and there's this ledge at the back of our property that had tons of vines and other plants ANYWAYS the point is that he would sleep there during the day and animal control never saw him when they spent 2 weeks in our neighborhood collecting the strays which my brother took as a sign to just transition the dog from there into our actually property and it was very annoying because we already had the dog my uncle no longer wanted (he originally said he'd take the dog bc his daughters agreed to help but they never did so the dog was very underweight by the time we moved into our house and my uncle saw how healthy he looked when they went to el Salvador for a month and we took him in so thats how ownership was transferred lol) but anyways I spent the first year pissed bc this dog was bigger than our first dog and he would steal his food, attack him, and ofc the cleanup was so hard bc we still hadn't covered up the dirt patches and they'd both make crazy messes... they get along fine now like they def love each other and I love them both since we've had them for so long now but they're so old... champion has his off days where he won't eat and he'll sometimes have accidents in my room (he doesn't get in trouble I know its not on purpose) and he has trouble with the steps out front and even falls into the gap between the fence :/ he's my 14 year old and he also has advanced arthritis so I try to be extra gentle and accommodating with him by buying him comfy beds and taking things extra slow and helping him get up (when possible bc I never know if he's going to bite me for it and I dont mind if he bites my hand but in some positions I just dont want to risk him feeling uncomfortable and lashing out and getting my neck or face bc god knows that would hurt a lot since both my dogs have strong bites) geez ok and ny other dog I estimate is btwn 11-13 hes so aggressive and territorial which is a major problem. He is not really allowed off the property bc I cant control him or hold him back if he lashes out (and I have been on the receiving one of his soft bites and let me tell you those things hurt so fuxking bad and it wasn't even that serious like yeah it tore the skin and I bled but it was just the surface and it was so funny bc he immediately knew he fucked up and went slack) but yeah he also has arthritis and its not as bad as my older dog but it will most likely get worse and he also has a weird growth on his chest between his 2 front paws and its like.... im already spending my money on their dog food (I wanna say roughly $60 a bag and $30 for a few packs of chicken or champion won't eat at all and this is every month) and I told my brother to consider what he wants to do with shaggy bc he is old and its most likely a tumor and idk if its gonna be worth it to spend thousands esp for him when he's the only one in his household that works and he has to support his wife, 2 kids, and the animals they have (yes my brother moved out and left me with that beast of a dog and he NEVER comes to visit them anyways so why put up a front like youre concerned... this is just like the new years eve incident when my dog ate a huge block of rat poison and I saw him finishing it and i had to immediately induce vomiting and then when he said he'd go to the vet with me he wanted me to wait 2 hours like ????? HELLO? HE ATE POISON!!! and then I had to spend the night at the ER bc my brother and mom had a stupid fight and she tried to kill herself)

so idk if it would be the right move to put them down soon or to let them die at home (probably in my room bc that is where champion spends most of his time when someone is at home) and it doesn't even matter which dog dies first (naturally it'll probably be champion) the other dog is going to be so depressed

[igarbagecannoteven]

Helllllo you seem like someone who reads a lot of fanfictions so i wanted to ask if you can recommend some cake fanfictions? Rather longer ones than oneshots that you currently like? That’d be awesome 🤲🏻 no worries if not!

ok i typed up an extremely detailed answer to this ask only to accidentally delete it but! hopefully i can remember everything i said (if not i shall commit major crimes) anyways if i’m missing something it’s definitely because of that and not bc i spaced it,,,, okay take 2 answering this ask

hi anon!!! i am so incredibly honored that you appreciate my taste in fic enough to ask me for recs i am all !!! i do need to issue 2 disclaimers b4 i begin: 1) i only started reading 5sos fic this fall so there are def other people who have better knowledge than me and 2) i don’t read explicit fics which limits the amount of fic i read/the ones i can rec. however! i am pretty sure i’m one of the only people who searches for 5sos fic by wordcount instead of pairing so if you’re looking for long(er)fic you’ve come to the right place :)) cake is a rather popular fic at the moment so there’s tons of good fic out there beyond what i’m going to rec here! i’m just going to list a few of my favs and if anyone knows of any good fics i left off feel free to add them! (i’m only going to be recc’ing completed fic as a matter of principle but if other people want to go crazy!) also, since i don’t know what you consider “longer fic” i’m going to put the word counts by each fic so you know what you’re getting into lol (i did make sure none of these recs are under 10k tho) okay with all that being said i guess i’ll dive right in!

if you’re a fan of cake fic you almost definitely know of the incredibly talented unofficial queen of cake @kaleidoscopeminds but just in case you should 100% check out her ao3! she has several longer fics, but my personal favorites are flatmate au (20k), journalist calum/musician luke au (16.8k), and her roadtrip fic (36.6k). they’re all incredibly written and clever and funny (with just the right amount of angst) so if you haven’t checked them out i highly recommend it! 

if when you said longfic you *really* meant longfic, then you have to check out vegas au (88.4k) by @emmybazy from all the way back in 2014! it has some absolutely stunning worldbuilding and has a very unique way of framing the plot that i’ve never seen in fic before which made it a very refreshing read for me! if you’re looking to get lost in a fic this is the one for you 😊

moving along to another member of cake royalty, @staticsounds is a brilliant fic writer with loads of cake fics! (you should definitely check out her ao3 if you’re a cake person) my personal favorites of her longer cake fics are her la au (40.4k) and the cake version of bake off au (17.9k)! they’re both total showstoppers (get it? bc bake off? yes i do think i’m hilarious thank u) while also having very different moods? if that makes sense? like they both fit different vibes i look for at different times which is wonderful!!

and of course i can’t talk about molly and not bring up one of my favorite fic projects of all time, which was her collab with the spectacular @cringeycal for their college dance au (15k) & college pet au (14.7k) (that is a horrible way to describe it and i apologize but it’s also 6 am and i haven’t slept yet so cut me some slack) these are both genius and hilarious and i could go on about them for actual hours so if you haven’t read them yet go crazy go stupid and if you don’t love them i’ll eat scorpions on live television :))

how could i talk about cake fics without bringing up beloved hanukkah fic (13.6k) by the light of my life @clumsyclifford?? this fic is not only just a lovely piece of prose all around it just has so much love and warmth and fluff it’s practically overflowing and i personally think it should be required reading bc it’s so !!! bella hasn’t written any other cake over 10k but i have yet to read a fic of hers i haven’t loved so if you’re looking for some shorter cake (or longer of another pairing) you should def check out her ao3 😊

if you’re looking for some angsty fic, i highly recommend @lifewasradical ‘s fic where calum leaves the band (10.1k) it is absolutely heartwrenching in the best way!! she also has an adorable bakery au (11k) that is extremely fluffy and cute!! 

there’s also her collab with @pixiegrl for their wrong number au (16.1k) if you’re looking for some disaster college kids making a mess of falling in love! 

ok this post is getting very long and the sun has just risen (insert yikes emoji) so i’ll wrap it off with @michaelsarmbandtattoo ‘s trans luke au (12.8k) which balances fluff and angst extremely well imo and is a great read! 

ok it is now past 6:30 am and i have an appointment at 10 and have yet to sleep so! that’s all for now! i am almost certainly forgetting some excellent fic but my brain is fried from last week of the semester vibes so someone else can fill in the blanks. this is probably way more rambly than you were looking for but it wouldn’t be a megs’ production if it wasn’t :)) thanks for asking for recs i’d love to do this again sometime for another pairing! (not this week tho lol) 💙

[yoondoze]

make a wish | jjk - 2

jeongguk didn’t know it, but his wish came true. as the best things in life do, it comes back around.

alternatively: a compilation of scenes in the after of “make a wish” and how they pile up and weigh you down until it’s too much to handle.

pairing: jeon jeongguk x reader

word count: 6.4k

genre: angst, fluff, romance, best friend!au, mutual pining... shh

warnings: language. besides that, this is pretty tame! only slightly edited bc its 2 in the morning and i just want to get this up lol

a/n: didn’t mean for this to be so long but i got a little carried away. this wraps up make a wish, so i hope you guys like it! also, feedback is always appreciated in any way shape or form <3 muah!

It’s just as you’re leaving when Jeongguk’s phone rings. His eyes widen in disquiet as he stares at the number displayed at the top of his phone. In preparation, he shakes out his limbs dramatically and takes a deep, exaggerated breath. Considering it’s for your entertainment, you roll your eyes and wave him on.

He picks up.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other end is muffled as you try your best to listen in. Your heart pounds in anticipation, gripping onto the straps of your purse with white knuckles.

“Yeah. Okay. Okay, great.”

He paces around the room aimlessly. His fingers fiddle with a loose thread on his sweatpants as he listens closely. You’re sure he’s already sweating, more nervous than you could imagine despite the playful act he put on before answering.

“Yeah. That’s fine! Okay, thank you so much. Alright, bye.”

He’s facing away from you as he clicks the end call button. Just as you’re about to ask, he spins on his heel, lips pursed as he holds back a grin.

“Guess who got the job?”

A toothy grin spreads across his face as he singsongs. Jeongguk’s expression of pure excitement is a privilege to see. It’s impossible to deny how it lights up your own.

“Oh my god, you got the job?”

“I got the job!”

His bangs bounce as he jumps with both fists raised in glory. You squeal, going in for a tight hug and swaying back and forth as you congratulate him.

“I’m proud of you, Gguk,” you say into his shoulder. “Really, I am.”

And when you say it, you mean it. After so many months of struggling at his old company, he took the leap and applied for a position at a more well-known film studio. The late night introduction practices with you, which included him reciting prepared resume-esque lines and weeks of tiring interviews had paid off like you knew he deserved it to.

“Okay. I should get home,” you try, voice strained as his arms crush your diaphragm like walls in a deadly escape room. Upon hearing your winded sentence, he loosens his grip.

You don’t even think about what it might mean before you place a departing kiss to Jeongguk’s cheek, fueled by the elation running through you at the upward turn of events. It’s an accident, it just happens naturally as if it was something you’ve done a thousand times. It only hits you that you shouldn’t have after it’s already done.

Sure, you make out and kiss all the time, but the difference is that’s only when you’re taking advantage of the benefits you worked out. That kissing is all attraction, nothing chaste or romantic like this. So when you pull away from the hug, you expect to see his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and giving you a look of disgust.  

“Uh-” you sputter, ever a wordsmith, trying to think of some rational explanation to excuse why you might have kissed him like that. The previous bouts of joy sparking in your heart fly out the window.

However, his eyes only show a mild, innocent surprise. At his silence, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to address it, and you assume he’ll assume it was just congratulatory. You can work with that.

“Bye. I’ll text you when I get home,” you blurt as untroubled as it can come, spinning on your heel and hurrying out the door. After closing it behind you, you slump back against it for a breath.

God, what were you thinking? Were you fucking stupid? Your fingers find your forehead finds as you try to convince yourself it wasn’t that bad. You’re prone to over analyzing, anyway. Jeongguk’s too occupied to think about it like that. He just got his new job, he has a thousand new things to worry about. He won’t read into it. If he does, he’ll think of it as a heat of the moment sort of thing.

Right?

Inside, Jeongguk pauses, staring at where you were standing just a second ago and scratches the back of his neck. The corners of his mouth turn up slowly. 

He finds himself checking his phone every five minutes for a text from you, which never comes.

☆☆☆

At the end of the day, it was your fault. 

It was your thoughtless action that made Jeongguk think that incorporating romantic gestures like that into your relationship could still be platonic. You rocked the boat with that one, but it wasn’t enough to completely capsize your vessel, and for that you were grateful. 

Still, your heart now tore itself into smaller and smaller pieces every time he kissed you goodbye or grabbed your hand to swing it back and forth or wrapped his arm around you after cleaning up. 

“By the way,” he says, tossing you one of his shirts from his place in front of his dresser. He pulls on a clean pair of boxers as you cover up. “There’s this work dinner I have to go to next week for networking and stuff, and it’s a buffet-type thing so they charge you for a spot. But, I found out that there is a couple’s discount and was wondering if maybe… you’d want to come with me?”

The hopeful sparkle in his eyes is one you just can’t ignore. Doing so would feel like a one-way ticket to hell, the only valid consequence for such a rotten crime.

“Yeah, sure.”

His smile at your compliance takes away all the apprehension you might have had, at least for a second. He wears it like a medal.

“Okay, good. I have to talk to a lot of people so I’d just feel better if you were there.”

Your brows draw together as you watch him get dressed. “But Gguk, you’re good at talking to people,” you say, going as far as to admit teasingly, “You’re fairly charming.”

He laughs, hopping into his slacks. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t freak out inside. It’s scary!” The dark brown mop of hair atop his head jostles into his eyes as he adds, “There’s gonna be a lot of well-known people there so it’s my chance to make some connections.”

Despite that, you’re sure he’ll be just fine. By nature, Jeongguk is inviting and easy to talk to. That is one of the reasons why you became such fast friends, and probably why you lasted so long. Along with his agreeable presence, his captivating looks probably wouldn’t hurt in striking up a deal either, though you’d never say that to his face.

“What’s the dress code?”

“Semi-formal I think?” He says, looking out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t know what that constitutes in terms of dresses but…”

A certain memory tugs at the back of his head. He considers just leaving it there, maybe slightly sentimental for his usual image, but what’s the harm in bringing it up?

“Do you remember the dress you wore for my brother’s graduation dinner? The blue one?”

You, on the other hand, are just surprised he remembers something like that. It must have been years ago by now. Still, it’s a good memory. It was a breezy evening by the shore to celebrate his brother’s graduation from college. The dinner was nice, but the best part was when you and Jeongguk ended up sneaking off to go sit on the beach later on in the night.  

Jeongguk is intertwined into nearly every lasting memory you make. It’s hard to imagine a world where he isn’t a part of each story you retell or each thought that crosses your mind.

“Oh, yeah, of course. It’s probably buried in my closet somewhere.” 

He’s relieved you don’t question him.

You might have to do some digging when you get home to find it, but you definitely still have it. It’s not like you have the money to be purchasing new semi-formal dresses for every occasion.

“That would be good. Or something like it, I don’t know.” He finishes buttoning up his shirt and tugs on the cuffs to straighten them out. His reflection in the mirror sends you a beaming smile, at this point accepting how his heart rate seems to spike every time he sees you in one of his shirts nowadays. He’s gotten very good at lending them to you casually.

He continues after a glance at the clock tells him he’s been letting his time with you slip on for more time than he can afford even though he wishes he could stay. “Anyway, I have to get going so make sure you lock the door behind you when you leave.” And then he’s padding out the door, car keys jingling in his hand as he picks them up from the dish on the kitchen counter.

“Oh, and Y/N?” He pokes his head around the hallway entrance to see you. “There’s coffee out here for you when you want it.”

He dashes off before you have the chance to react or even say thank you, a sheepish grin tugging at his features as he walks to his car. When you go out to see, it’s already made with cream and sugar, just the way you like.

☆☆☆

“You look really pretty tonight, Y/N,” Jeongguk says, voice soft as ever, eyeing your dress as you step out of the car. “Seriously, I mean it.” The heels you wear click evenly like a metronome’s beat on the pavement as you walk around to join him at his side.

You ignore the heat in your cheeks, rather offering an endearing grin as you grip the clutch in your hand. “You too, Gguk. You’ll do great tonight. I wouldn’t be surprised if you made everyone here fall for you while you’re at it.”

His initial thought is to ask if that includes you, but his better judgment tells him it’s too bold. Instead, he just laughs and hands his car keys to the valet.

The dinner is a week later at a stunning three-floor, dimly lit fine dining restaurant decorated with dark hardwood and intricate chandeliers that make the soreness in your neck seem worth it while observing them.

Jeongguk cleans up nice, and even though you’ve already known this for a long time, you consider it a treat since this attire rarely, if ever, sees the light of day. 

He props out his elbow and nudges for you to take it, which you so graciously do. Together you walk to the glass doors, through which you can see the party has just started. You can already hear the muffled music and chatter in the background.

“By the way,” he says, leaning down to your ear, like what he’s about to tell you is no big deal. “I… might have told my coworkers that we’re engaged-”

“Engaged!?” you whisper, eyes wide and staring at him incredulously. 

So maybe he should have told you earlier. In his defense, he needed the extra time to produce an irrefutable excuse. In the end, it was only sort of reasonable, but he was hoping you would just roll with it. Isn’t that what the two of you always did?

“I know, I know! But listen. It just makes more sense in terms of you being my plus one and it also makes me seem like I have my shit together. And it’s always good for me to seem like I have my shit together, right?”

You sigh, narrowing your line of sight at him. “Okay. What do I do if someone asks why I’m not wearing my ring then?”

He mutters, “Oh, yeah.” Then he’s fishing through his side pocket and out comes a shiny silver ring with a small diamond placed into the center, held so flippant between his fingertips. “It’s my grandma’s. Borrowed it from home for this weekend.”

His heart pounds. Was that smooth enough? He has a lot of talents, but he isn’t sure if this was one of them just yet. Jeongguk tenses as he waits for your reaction. Best case scenario, his carefree attitude about it will rub off onto you.

“I figured it’d fit you,” he adds.

When it slides on perfectly, you know there’s no going back. Yet somehow, it is completely in character of him. You should have expected something like this because Jeongguk always has and always will be a man of spontaneity.

You’ll have to ask him how he knows your ring size sometime.

Inside, he introduces you to his coworkers. There are too many to remember but you catch a few here and there that you recall him talking about before, like Namjoon, the diligent Production Assistant and Taehyung, another member of the crew who he often eats lunch with. It’s an initial blur of faces and few-worded exchanges before you can take a breather off to the side.

“Not bad?” he asks, his thumb tracing circles over your knuckles. The way it makes your heart flutter is addictive. He has you in his palm and he doesn’t even know it. Unfortunately, you don’t know if it’s something you can give up yet, not without it being messy.

There’s a short line behind a board that displays the seating arrangement, and though it’s moving quickly, it allows you a moment of space from the other guests.

A tired smile pulls at your lips. “Not bad.” You squeeze his hand in yours.

The people in front of you move from the board into the dining hall so both of you can inch up. Jeongguk’s eyes trace the small handwriting, eventually spotting the two of you in the far corner of the room.

Dinner goes well, and Jeongguk does the most of the talking. It’s nice to see him so bright as he laughs with his coworkers. It’s that part of him that he’s had since he was a kid, the part that made him fit in so naturally and charm every person around him. Seeing it out in the open and no longer repressed from emotional baggage is heartwarming. Compared to a few months ago, you might not recognize him at all.

After a while, Jeongguk wipes his mouth with his napkin and pushes his chair out from the table. “Alright, I’m gonna head to the bar lounge for a little while and see who I can talk to. Are you gonna be fine on your own?”

He’s nervous, you can tell. By the way his eyes dart around the room, the way he’s biting the inside of his bottom lip. 

“Yeah, go ahead,” you nod, taking a sip of water. “I’ll just stick around here.”

He gives himself a once over and wipes his palms on his slacks.

You tap his shoulder, bringing him down so you can whisper to him a small, “You’ll do great.”

He pulls back with a shy, one-sided smile. “Thank you. I hope so. Text me if you need anything.” Effortlessly, he plants a chaste kiss to your cheekbone that has your face ablaze and excuses himself from the table. The feeling of his lips on your skin sticks well after he’s gone.

Ryujin, the script supervisor, puts down her drink with a roll of her eyes. “Finally, all the boys are gone. I’ve been trying to talk to you the entire time but he’s always butting in!”

It pulls a laugh from you. “No, no, he’s just trying to help,” you explain, “I’m new to everyone here so he just doesn’t want me to feel awkward.”

“Yada yada,” says a bubbly Chaeryoung, a PA, waving it off with her hand. “I expected him to be protective with how much he talks about you, but wow. It’s cute though. Sometimes I wish I had someone like that.”

“Yeah, I’m really lucky,” you nod, reminded that you’re just pretending. You’re lucky, but not that lucky. “But… wait, what kind of stuff does he say about me?”

Ryujin chortles at your worry. “Oh, only good things. Just stuff you do together, jokes, those kinds of things. You’re involved in a lot of stories in some way or another.”

“Like, “This one time in high school, Y/N and I got in a fight...” or “Last week, we went to this new brunch spot and Y/N got this sandwich…’” Chaeryoung clarifies, but it only makes you want to pry further.

As she says it, both of the memories come floating back clear as day. You can’t remember what exactly you argued over, but it had been when you were paired as partners in a history class. The sandwich, you recall, was heaven on earth. The images are picture-perfect despite how they’d been buried.

The fact that Chaeryoung remembered things you didn’t is mildly startling, but you’re more surprised that Jeongguk shared so much. Not that it’s an issue, you just didn’t think you’d find yourself being perceived by so many people you had no prior knowledge of. The idea of him spilling your high school gossip fits like a puzzle to his persona, but the thought never occurred to you that he might think about you when you’re not there.

But you won’t let yourself become too optimistic.

“Yeah,” you laugh, “I think it’s different since we grew up together as family friends. He’s in a lot of my stories, too.”

“Ugh, that’s cute,” Ryujin sighs. If only. “So when did you start liking each other? Or start dating?”

You take a deep breath as if you’re looking back on the day when in reality you’re just trying to come up with the most believable love story you can manage. It’s also your most ideal. Maybe if your current situation went the way you wanted.

“I think we liked each other at different times over the years. Y’know, I liked him when we were kids, he liked me when we were teenagers, kind of on and off like that. But sometime after college, I think the cycle lined up once and for all and…“

Do you think you could manifest it by speaking it into existence?

“...here we are.”

That thought was stupid. You make yourself forget about it. Stop with the hope, remember?

When you finish your spiel, you think you’ve finally made it in the clear. Until another question comes.

“So what was your first date like? Was it weird?”

You know they’re just trying to make conversation, but god, you’re not ready for this. You’re preoccupied with other problems. If only they knew how your brain was short-circuiting in an effort to think up an explanation that will make you sound versed and most importantly, convincing. You go with what you wish had happened. 

“Um, a little bit, but since we had been close friends for such a long time, I think we had that mutual understanding of how things were so we could laugh about it. We just…” you say, shaking your head along, lips pursing as your train of thought rolls through the detailed daydream you know so well. “...went out to dinner one night... and it was sort of a process to transition to something more romantic, I guess, but it just kind of happened.”

But it feels nice to be Jeongguk’s girl. Even if you’re just playing a part. If you sink yourself into the atmosphere, tune into the clinking of the glasses, and the relaxing jazz in the background, you can pretend you’re really engaged and sharing your love story to whoever will listen.

Would it hurt too much to hold out on it one day become reality?

“I’m always so happy when the company hosts these events,” Chaeryoung comments, leaning back in her chair to take in the room. “It’s the only time I can come to a place like this since you know I can’t afford it with my own money.” A small talk sort of laugh bubbles up from her as she says it. There is an inkling of confusion that strikes you at her words, but you think you’ll just brush it off for the sake of being casual.

Ryujin looks to you as she adds, “And they even let you bring a plus one for free! You know, I was thinking of bringing my boyfriend, but I just felt like it might have been too soon…”

Your brows furrow as you recall the conversation with Jeongguk. Didn’t he say that it was a pay per guest scenario?

“So the company pays for these dinners?” you ask out of pure curiosity and with no hint of suspicion weaved in your tone.

“Yeah!” says Chaeryoung. “It’s all from the company’s budget since this is technically a networking event. Usually, people swap ideas or come up with deals that turn into projects a couple of weeks down the line.”

You nod along as she explains eagerly, but all you can hear is that there never was a price to pay to begin with, and more importantly meaning that there never was a discount. Not one that Jeongguk needed you around for. 

But why would he lie? 

Maybe Jeongguk was embarrassed asking for your company or didn’t want his ego bruised by telling you it was free and he wouldn’t have to pay for you. It’s the benefit of the doubt for your best friend (and love of your life, but that’s a separate issue) that makes it your first thought. In reality, thinking about the boy you know, it doesn’t make sense. At this point, he shouldn’t have to feel like that when it comes to you. 

Whatever the case may be, you hope that he knows he’d never need an excuse to invite you somewhere. It’s not like you’d ever refuse. You’d never refuse him, not in any life.

☆☆☆

It’s the middle of the night when another bad dream jolts you awake with a pounding heartbeat. Your eyes flutter open, brimmed with tears, to reveal that the moon is still high in the sky above the towering buildings, and a shift to the side facing the nightstand lets you know you have another three hours before you have to start your day and leave Jeongguk’s apartment.

The last few weeks, the dreams have been growing more and more common. Not enough for you to dread going to sleep just yet, but definitely something you’re quickly getting sick of. At this point, you’re tired of going to sleep just to wake up freaked out in a cold sweat. You chalk it up to the stress piling on you, not only that of regular adult life but that of your messy relationship with your best friend.

How ironic that must be, considering the whole reason it started was to relieve stress when now it’s your main source.

You empty your lungs with a shaky sigh and slide to the edge of the bed, intending to fetch a glass of water to calm yourself down. Before you can reach your feet, Jeongguk’s arm catches you at your waist, and then you’re being reeled back under the covers.

“Easy,” he mumbles, his voice grainy and low from sleep, “You’re fine. Talk to me.”

You swallow thickly, the scenes from your subconscious flashing back to you. “Um, that’s alright. Not a big deal.”

You wish he’ll just leave it at that and fall back asleep like he usually does. When his breathing steadies, you think you’re in the clear, but you are horribly mistaken when he yawns and adds, “You’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently.”

Is it another prompt for you to talk? You’re not sure what to say. 

In fact, you’re never sure what to say anymore. Never sure what’s too much, what’s too little, what the difference is between what you say and what you mean. The line blurred months ago and now you’re wandering blind.

You’d enjoy moments like this if it wasn’t for the stark fact that the person you’re with doesn’t love you like you love him. 

 “Yeah…” you agree. Right now, your chest is heavy and not strong enough to support a conversation. You hope that he’s not too drowsy to take the hint.

A small sound from him makes it seem like another sleepy sentence is in the works, but fortunately, the tension in your chest begins to fade when nothing comes out. His hair shuffles against the pillow and he presses a featherlight kiss to the back of your neck, lips lingering there for a second too long before he sinks back into his position.

When you’re sure he’s slipped under the veil of slumber again, you carefully slide out of his grasp and squeeze into your own space at the edge of the bed. You don’t know how much longer you can last like this.

☆☆☆

“She texted me.”

The sentence makes you stop chewing. Your movements stop aside from an absent blinking, gears spinning overtime to process it.

“She uh, she wants to meet up,” he tacks on. “I think I should go.”

“Why would you do that?”

Jeongguk slowly twists the pasta around his fork, taking a blatant newfound interest in his dinner. He takes a deep breath, but when he opens his mouth, the words catch in his throat.

“I don’t know. I think we need to talk about what happened.”

You scoff, and he takes an immediate offense to it. His eyebrows knit together as a wounded expression takes form on his features.

“What happened? Gguk, she dumped you because you were going through a hard time and she didn’t want to ‘deal’ with it.”

It’s not just you playing the protective best friend role and trying to talk sense into him. It’s not jealousy, either. And sure, maybe you never liked her to begin with, but for good reason. She ended up doing exactly what you thought she would - shattering his heart into a million pieces and leaving it for someone else to pick up the pieces. And considering that’s been you on a multitude of occasions, you think your point of view is valid.

“Listen, I don’t blame her… That can be really hard on someone.”

“So it’s okay for them to just pop in out of the blue, say they can’t handle your emotional issues and bounce? Someone who they claimed to love for over a year and a half? Someone who they were thinking about marrying?”

Jeongguk purses his lips as you speak, a hefty exhale coming through his nose in frustration.

“I just miss her sometimes!”

And you really wish Jeongguk would love you back, but we can’t all get our way, can we?

Not to throw yourself a pity party, though. It’s not like he owes you anything for what you do because you brought it on yourself. He doesn’t control your feelings, even when you want to blame the nerve he has for smiling because it makes you get all jittery. 

“She doesn’t even give a shit about me anymore! She’s out with other guys, doing all this shit, posting it everywhere. I… I loved her so bad and she acts like she has no clue.”

You give him pep talks when he’s about to go out with someone else. You comfort him when he’s distraught over someone else. You love him when he loves someone else. 

And then-

“You don’t know what that’s like.”

You freeze. Your heart leaps to your throat, closing the gate on your lungs until you forcibly open them again as subtle as possible. A stinging feeling you know all too well burns in your eyes as you try to hold back. Jeongguk doesn’t notice in the slightest as his gaze is still fixated on his food.

Your initial reaction is anger. All you want to do is yell, tell him wrong, tell him that you know it all too well because you love him and he’s pathetically oblivious whether by his nature or by choice. Everything you want to say, shouts and confessions, float across your mind and bounce around the walls as each one brings you further to opening your mouth and letting them spill. Then you just want to cry.

But you won’t do any of that. Your situation won’t allow it, not if you want to risk losing him. It’s not a risk you’re willing to take, even if it means suffering in it by yourself and letting the irony of his words go unrealized.

“Yeah, you’re right,” you sigh, the fork gripped by your white knuckles tapping mindlessly against the side of the bowl as you swallow the feeling back down. Your hand comes up to scratch at the corner of your eye, wiping away the wetness beginning to pool composedly so he won’t notice.

“I don’t.”

☆☆☆

It’s on a Tuesday evening a couple of weeks in the future when you next see him. 

Maybe more than a couple. Maybe a few. Maybe too many. Just enough for his tone to turn to something more confrontational than just casual when he sends you a text saying that he wants to see you again. Particularly when he specified that no, he needed to see you again.

He suggests the park by the river. You’ve been there a few times with him for lunches and to hang out, but the energy is different this time around. Both of you know why you’re here, even though you never thought you’d have to be. 

For a while, you didn’t want to make things weird, so you’d come over when he’d ask and leave as soon as you could in an attempt to curb the damage on your heart. It wasn’t until three weeks ago that you actively started flaking on him. You’d let his calls ring until he hung up or left a message and say you were busy when there was absolutely nothing going on. 

He stopped by your apartment at one point, too. You were freaking out after he texted you he’d be visiting, pacing around and wondering what to do, what to respond, if to respond at all. The knock at your door came sooner than you expected. Before you were about to pull it open and face what you’d been so casual about denying for so long, it occurred to you: You could simply not open the door.

So you waited. He knocked a few more times, sighing so loud you could hear through the door. He called out your name softly, as if he knew you were right on the other side. He stayed for a few more minutes. Then came the sound of his footsteps padding away. You were safe for another day, but the awful feeling stuck in your chest for days.

It stuck in his, too. He knew he should have never gone that far, never said anything that night, but he also wondered if he could have done it any other way. Standing at your door and having to face the fact that you were undeniably steering clear of him, because of him, was a nightmare. It was stupid of him, but you’d see past it - wouldn’t you?

And now you’re seeing him live and in person for the first time in god knows how long. It’s a foreign feeling you’ve never felt with Jeongguk before, and you hate it. It’s been long enough for the sense of familiarity to fade, or at least be buried by time. 

Is this how a comet feels when it passes earth again after so many years apart? Does it feel new every time seeing how things have changed, or are they old friends who pick up where they left off?

“ So… what’s been going on with you?” Jeongguk asks nonchalantly, leaning back on his elbows and shaking the hair out of his eyes. “It’s been a while.”

“Uhh, I don’t know,” you shrug, vision focused on the calm waters in front of you. You tug at the grass under your fingertips, loosely hugging your knees to your chest as you sit beside him. “Not much I guess. Just work as usual, you know.”

“Yeah, but how are you?” he presses, trying to find your eyes as you avoid his.

He knew something was wrong from the evident distance and your attitude, but he didn’t think it’d be this bad. He didn’t think he’d fucked up this bad.

Your laugh is awkward and forced. “I’ve been fine. Been good.”

Thinking about the past few weeks, it’s not hard to remember but incredibly hard to grasp. It’s the same moments over and over, sourced from a lonely routine. Day by day spending time with yourself, missing Jeongguk, thinking about texting him but never doing it. Wash, rinse, repeat.

His face turns from you and you miss it the second you can’t see it. The feeling is off and both of you know it. He sucks his lower lip into his mouth, biting at it as he thinks of what to say. If the wrong thing comes out, he’s worried he’ll chase you even further away. It took so much to even get you here.

“Listen, can I be honest with you?” he says.

Honesty is the best policy, isn’t it? He’s tired of beating around the bush. The two of you know so much more than bland small talk.

“Sure.”

He takes a deep breath. “I always thought that nothing could ever be uncomfortable with you and me. Like we could be straightforward and blunt without it being weird. But things right now are really weird and I don’t know what happened. You’re avoiding me and you don’t want to see me. It’s not like it used to be.”

Your nails scrape beneath each other, entangled in your lap. Clearly things aren’t the same, but you don’t have the energy to be snarky. There are so many things to address and you’re ignorant on where to start.

“I know there wasn’t a discount for the work dinner.”

He nods, looking out over the river. “Yeah, figured.”

“So why’d you lie?”

It’s his turn to shrug. “I just wanted you there and I didn’t know how to ask you. I… was starting to feel the shift and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Saying that just gave me an excuse to take any of the weight off.”

He adds quietly, “Your turn.”

“Gguk,” you start, shaking your head as you try to find the right words. You think of the kiss, the dinner, the ring, the argument.

“We act like a couple. We do things couples do. We pretend we’re a couple. But... we aren’t a couple.”

He’s silent. He knows where you’re going. He knew it before you even got here because if you didn’t bring it up first, he would have.

“I think you already know what’s going on, but if you need it spelled out for you, I kinda caught feelings for you. And then you give me your grandmother’s wedding ring and tell me you love me and it hurts so fucking bad because I know you don’t mean it like that. Not the way I wish you did.”

The words dissipate into the fresh evening air, soon filled by delicate chirps and birdsongs. Distant laughter floats around the park, with muffled ferry horns layered behind it all.

“How do you know?”

Your hand pauses, chlorophyll green blades pulled taut between your fingers. No fucking way.

“What?”

He scratches the back of his neck before locking his eyes with yours. “How do you know... that I don’t mean it like that?”

He’s not playing with you, is he? No, he wouldn’t. You respond slightly confused, hesitant to lean into his words just yet.

“Are you saying that you do?”

He laughs and it makes your chest feel like it might burst open. “You’re kidding, right? I’ve been saying it. I mean, I thought I was being obvious.”

You suppress the excitement bubbling in your stomach for a second longer to throw him a questionable expression with an extended palm for emphasis. “You told me you wanted to go see your ex-girlfriend and were talking about how you loved her.”

He exhales through his teeth as he squints at you. “Yeah, that went a little far...”

“Only a little?”

“I’m apologizing, so let me, please?” He says, eyes wide with a small smile tweaking up at his lips. “It was stupid. I wanted to see what you would say or if you would get jealous. ‘Cause I thought you might have felt the same and at the time that was the only thing I could think of doing.”

Your expression falls.

“Wait, so did you actually meet up with her?”

“No, no!” He exclaims, rushing to refute such a bizarre idea. “Yes, she texted me, but I said no. Everything you said was right, so… it wasn’t worth it.”

He thinks he’s done, until he sees your stare still lingering on him. What’d he miss? He flops over on his stomach, elbows in the grass as his chin rests on his palms to look at you.

“You also said I didn’t know what it was like to love someone who didn’t love me back.”

A cheeky grin grows on him. “Okay... but technically you don’t because I loved you back the whole time.” One of his arms lowers to the ground, his fingers finding your own. He weaves them together with an affectionate squeeze. “You just didn’t know.”

The way your heart flutters is different this time. Gone are the tiring nerves and teary eyes and the weight of stress on your shoulders. It’s a comfortable sort of excitement, one that you’re in love with almost as much as you are with the boy himself.

“Since when?” you ask shyly, feeling the tingle in your cheeks. 

It’s a relief to have Jeongguk back. A life without him wouldn’t be one you could ever get used to. 

He was there at the start, he’s here now, and he will be here for as long as he possibly can. When it comes to you, there’s no doubt. He’s yours every time.      

His deep brown eyes sparkle under the setting sun, golden and glowing, as he makes a point to find your own. Tone dulcet and tender, he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Since always.”

[jpegjade]

Writer’s Block - Spencer

IT HAS BEEN A LIL BIT SINCE I ACTUALLY COMPLETED SOMETHING. literally i’m jumping from job to job. i barely found time to write this lmao. 

this is for the lovely anon who requested this: can we have a fic where the reader has writer’s block and spencer is helpful? 

here you go anon, HELPFUL SPENCER 

warnings: all fluff and a lil bit of a reference talking about weight but it’s all fluff and nothing seriously deep. 

_____________

“Ugh.” You yelled, throwing your hands in the air. “This is pointless.” 

Spencer was sitting at his desk when he looked up to see you having a partial meltdown on your shared apartment couch. 

“Please tell me why I decided to do this. I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would go through this torture willingly.” You groaned to Spencer, who just smiled in response. 

You were glad he found this so amusing because you surely didn’t think any of it was cute in the slightest. 

“You’ve got a psychological inability to produce a substantial amount of content to satisfy your drive to create.” Spencer continued smiling at you. 

“Cliff Notes version, please. I’m mentally spent.” You said, looking over at him. 

“Writer’s block.” He said, as if he couldn’t just say that in the beginning. 

“At the worst time possible.” You said, groaning again. 

As an author, you were used to the words coming to you easily. There were so many ways to describe a single feeling that you just knew how to craft the language most of the time. It’s one of the many things that made Spencer fall in love with you: You crafted a world of your own through imagination and you were able to pull other people in to experience it with you. It was something special about you that set you apart from so many other writers in your genre. 

Getting up from his chair, Spencer walked over to your spot on the couch to sit next to you. He put his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him. 

“How far have you gotten on your story?” Spencer said, leaning over to see your laptop screen. You turned it away from him so he couldn’t see anything. 

“Baby, you know I don’t like you to see my works in progress. I only want you to see things when they’re complete.” You said. 

“Baby, I want to see every stage of your creativity no matter how rough.” Spencer smiled. “Maybe I can offer some advice and corrections.” 

“I don’t want you to see everything bc plot holes and such. And I don’t want you to know the plot until it’s complete.” You closed your computer screen so he couldn’t see anything. 

You turned to stare at him as he pulled his arm back, leaving on the back of the couch. The two of you stared at each other, both holding your own secrets. 

Your secret was that you secured a book deal for a Young Adult book. While the signatures were still needed for paycheck negotiations to close, you were holding out on telling Spencer until your manager confirmed everything was official. The call could come at any minute so you were checking your phone every few minutes. You weren’t superstitious but you didn’t want to tell Spencer something before it was completely confirmed. You didn’t want to get your hopes up but more importantly, you didn’t want to disappoint Spencer. He was so proud of you for your constant writing and he loved to read your stories after you sent them to your editor for content when your story was chosen for different magazines, contests, and blogs. If you secure this book deal, it will be huge for you and Spencer, making your dream come true. 

Spencer’s secret was that he was off for a month. He just got back from a case that lasted 3 weeks and before that, he was gone for the larger part of 2 months. There were a lot of back to back cases that ran right behind each other. The two of you made a sarcastic joke that it was serial killer season because it was like clockwork that these cases would come in. It was sad that so many people were hurt and killed in the process but there were countless lives saved by the team and their constant, tiring work. They needed some time off, especially with the last case draining them so greatly. 

“I won’t push you but just know, I’m excited about everything you do. I’m so proud of you for being so persistent in everything. You know, the word persistent is a great word to describe you because it’s more than just the determination to accomplish a task, although many people use it in conjunction with the word. Based on the definition by the Miriam-Webster dictionary, the word persistent means to exist for a long or longer than usual time continuously. You’ve been determined to continue your writing but it’s more than that. You’ve evolved from only writing for whoever will read your work to writing for yourself. You connect with...” Spencer wanted to go on before he noticed your phone vibrating. 

“Hold on, Spence. I’m so sorry.” You said, pulling out your phone. 

It was a text message from your agent. 

“Closed and complete. Sealed the deal. Mucho bueno mi amor.” Your agent followed that text with celebration emojis and you couldn’t look away. By calling you her love, your agent meant nothing by it any more than you called your friends your girlfriends. Your agent knew you well so she was very friendly. 

Your heart was beating a mile a minute, your breathing strained. You didn’t know whether you wanted to laugh or cry, or both at the same time. It was real. It was really real. It was entirely real. A tear ended up slipping through the floodgates, quickly followed by another. Spencer immediately saw the shift in your body language before you were able to hide it. 

“What’s wrong?” Spencer said, worry crossing his face. He didn’t understand how such a happy moment could go south so quickly. 

“It’s not you.” You said, trying to hold back the fact that you were ready to start sobbing. You wiped the tears away and put your hands back in your lap. Fresh tears were right behind those and you weren’t going to stop them this time. You hung your head, chin barely touching your chest, watching the tears fall on your hands. 

“What is it? You can tell me, lovely.” Spencer grabbed your hands from resting in your lap. His thumb immediately began gently rubbing your hands, which only made you cry harder. 

Readjusting how he sat so he could pull you into his lap, Spencer was so confused and so hurt because he didn’t know how to fix it. He couldn’t fix it when he didn’t know what was wrong. He just wanted you to be okay and you seemed far from it. You fought him a little bit. 

“I’m going to flatten you.” You said, finally calming down. 

“Then I will be the happiest flat man alive. You won’t flatten me, lovely. You’ll put your cute butt in my lap, swing your arms around my shoulders, and hang onto me for dear life as you let go of whatever just happened. You don’t have to feel alone if you’re sad.” Spencer said. 

You got up, sat on the couch next to him, and put your legs over his. It was much more comfortable that way and made you less self-conscious. He was staring at you with his puppy eyes and it melted your heart all over again. 

“I have something to tell you.” You said, taking a deep breath. 

“Okay…” Spencer looked concerned, stoic even. He was even a little bit scared. 

“I’ve been hiding something from you and I feel so bad about it.” Tears sprang to your eyes again. 

“Lovie, whatever it is, we can work through it. There are very few things in this world you can tell me that I would be upset about. I”ve seen the worst of the worst. Working out a minor bump won’t break me.” Spencer slightly smiled. 

“No, no. It’s not bad. I promise it’s not.” You let out a sigh you didn’t know you were holding. “I got a book deal.” 

Spencer was silent for a second before he broke out in the biggest smile you had seen from him in a while. He obviously didn’t have a problem being happy as his emotion. Joy overcame him and he gently put your legs on the ground and stood up just to kneel in front of you to cover you in kisses. He kissed every major part of your face before kissing you. A slow, gentle kiss but it still took your breath away. 

“You know you’re amazing, right? You deserve this out of anyone.” Spencer held your face gently in his hands, his thumb slowly rubbing your cheek.  

“I’m stuck, Spence. How am I supposed to finish the book when I can’t even finish the short story I’m writing.” You couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“Maybe I can help. What’s it about?” Spencer stood up, sitting back on the couch next to you. 

“It’s the story of this brilliant teacher who moonlights as a spy. Not the most original idea but it’s not supposed to be original. It’s just a short story that someone requested on my blog.” You grabbed your computer and put it back on your lap. 

“So you’re writing about me.” Spencer smiled. 

“You’re not a spy. You moonlight as a teacher.” You said, opening your computer. You couldn’t bear to look at Spencer’s face right now as he thought about how you were basically writing about him. 

You always took character inspiration from him. He was such a big part of your life that all of your writing had hints of Spencer in them, no matter how hard you tried to leave him out of things. So it was a big deal for him to even figure out that he was largely related to this story. 

“What if…” Spencer started, “You wrote about his dashing butt?” Spencer said, beaming at you. 

You choked on your spit. 

“What?” You said, in between coughs.

“His fabulous behind in pants. You’re always telling me how amazing I look in my black slacks. So why not write about that for fun? I’m sure your blog readers would be quite amused.” Spencer was so hilariously serious that you couldn’t stop laughing. 

“Okay, fine. You win. I will put in something about your butt.” You said, turning your computer on. 

“And insert something about his beautifully flowing hair.” Spencer said. 

“Baby, your hair is short right now.” You said. He allowed you to cut his hair a few days ago and he missed his longer hair but he really liked when you gave him haircuts. 

“I know but if he’s a badass super spy and a teacher, he needs to have versatile looks.” Spencer ran his hand through his hair, a new habit he started when you cut his hair. 

“Baby, you’re going to overwhelm me with ideas.” You said, chuckling. You felt a little better about the writer’s block and the book deal the more Spencer made you laugh. 

“Good. Maybe we should go on a walk and figure out more ideas. Exercise is good for ideas because your blood flow to your brain is increased. You also get mental clarity. Over the next 6 weeks, we can do that more.” Spencer quickly walked to the door to grab both of your running shoes. 

Sitting down next to you, what he said finally hit you. 

“Next six weeks?” You asked, putting your computer on the coffee table. 

You didn’t care that all you were wearing were some cozy shorts and an old t-shirt that was way too big for you. 

“Oh, I didn’t tell you.” Spencer got his right shoe on after a little bit of struggle. “I’m off for 6 weeks after the last case. We all need the break…” He said, his eyes going to a dark place for a moment. You gently touched his arm and came back to life, in the moment with you. 

“So… You can help me?” Your mood got significantly better as you realized he was all yours for 6 weeks. 

“Every step of the way, y/n.” Spencer said, popping up from the couch in his shoes, ready to go.