#skipped my adhd meds today and it shows

[jazzmckay]

'I am your Paragon': a Branka analysis

companion piece to my other meta, 'Killing's what swords are for': an Oghren analysis.

upon playing dao for the first time, branka instantly fascinated me with how complex of a character she is. you hear many others speak of her long before you ever get to speak with her yourself. she is the only living paragon in four centuries. you walk into orzammar and immediately can overhear a conversation between a mother and daughter about how the daughter should strive to be more like branka. everyone has an opinion about branka, if you ask--many assume she's long dead, because no one can survive the deep roads for two years, while other consider that she had an entire house with her to protect her and there are still many ruins to take shelter in the abandoned thaigs. regardless of what they assume, both the men who are vying for the crown are searching for her, because her support would win them the election in a near instant. they can't afford to pass up the support of a living paragon. they especially can't afford to let their rival find her first, if she is still alive.

branka is more important than the prospective kings. she's more important even than king endrin's dying wishes--his naming of harrowmont as his heir is hotly debated and cannot be proven. some take it to heart, while others assume it's a lie, or that harrowmont manipulated a dying man into saying something he wouldn't have otherwise. but a king can be pronounced with a crown forged by a paragon, and said paragon does not need to be present for it to be taken as a decree. all that's needed is the warden to claim which king the paragon supported. a paragon is a living ancestor, a figure that the dwarven people look up to like gods.

branka is a paragon, and that is a weighty title to uphold.

in orzammar, castes and titles are everything. they define who a person must be, right from birth. the caste divide and the effect it has on the people is present everywhere you turn in orzammar. dust town shows you how little the casteless are regarded, including the story of a mother shunned by her family for having a baby with a casteless man. dagna's father insists she is a smith, and if she must pursue the field of magic, he can get her into enchanting, but there is nothing for her anywhere else. oghren is of the warrior caste, and his entire life is a fight. when warriors aren't busy defending their home, they're fighting in the provings. a person's caste comes with expectations, and not meeting those expectations comes with great risk.

as a paragon of the smith caste, it is branka's purpose to create something magnificent and long-lasting for the dwarven people. the invention that earned her paragon status is important, but not enough--once she had that title, the expectations were pilled on even more. caridin, a paragon of the smith caste before her, created the anvil of the void and provided the dwarves with the unstoppable golems to protect their empire. who is she to do anything less than he did?

an excerpt from your first conversation with branka:

Branka: [...] I don't care if the Assembly puts a drunken monkey on the throne. Because our protector, our great invention, the thing that once made our armies the envy of the world, is lost to the very darkspawn it should be fighting. The Anvil of the Void. The means by which the ancients forged their army of golems and held off the first archdemon ever to rise. It's here. So close I can taste it. [...] The Anvil lies on the other side of a gauntlet of traps designed by Caridin himself. My people and I have given body and soul to unlocking its secrets. This is what's important. This has lasting meaning. If I succeed, the dwarven people benefit. Kings, politics… all that is transitory. I've given up everything and would sacrifice anything to get the Anvil of the Void.

to branka, the election is nothing compared to her expedition for the anvil. the election is just one king who will probably die in a few decades, and very little will change in the grand scheme of things. orzammar is crumbling under the weight of the darkspawn, and what they need isn't one king over the other, it's the anvil.

Branka: Look around. Is this what our empire should look like? A crumbling tunnel filled with darkspawn spume? The Anvil will let us take back our glory!

and she feels like she must be the one to do it. she's a master of her craft, a paragon, and so she's the one who can give her people what they need, no matter the sacrifice.

the sacrifices she has made are many. 'body and soul', she says. her entire house ventured into the deep roads in search of the anvil, counting on her to make the risk worth it. they traversed abandoned thaigs that few have ever seen themselves--they're crawling with darkspawn, and considered lost. still, they make it through. the anvil isn't where they expected it. they have to push further. further into darkspawn territory. branka leaves a journal behind so that if she fails, someone who follows in her footsteps might be able to pick up where she left off, because this isn't about an individual, this is about the good of orzammar, and she believes the anvil is necessary to their survival. they end up in the dead trenches, a condemned place where only darkspawn and the legion of the dead dwell. and this is still only the beginning. ruck and hespith show us what happens to those who have nothing to sustain themselves with in these abandoned places except darkspawn flesh. hespith's haunting poem whispered within the tunnels tells of what branka did to counter caridin's traps--the members of branka's house became fodder at best, and at worst, one became a broodmother, capable of spawning yet more fodder for the task of defeating caridin's defenses. branka did this to her own people. to her own lover. it is not out of lack of caring--she still calls them 'my people'. it's simply that they had no other choice, in her mind.

during the first stretch of the fight towards the anvil, in a cavern littered with bodies, branka stands above, muttering to herself about what it took to get this far. she has anger for those to tried to oppose her. she tries to justify her actions. a common refrain is that this is their purpose, and they should have faced it bravely, no matter how horrific it was.

to the average player, this is horrific and unforgivable. hespith, branka's lover herself, calls it unforgivable too, and feels guilt for not being able to stop branka. the whole scene is dark, tragic, and unsettling. yet branka's actions are in line with her beliefs and motivations. she is the only living paragon in generations. her people are wasting away. the anvil could stop this. if she can use the anvil, even if it requires the sacrifice of her own soul, it would be worth it to save the rest of the dwarven empire. she speaks of the darkspawn with disgust and hatred, but turned one of her own into a broodmother because in her mind, that's what it would take. that's what had to be done.

branka isn't the only one to feel this way. it's an ideology that many dwarves hold. from a banter between oghren and shale:

Shale: My question is this: had the Anvil of the Void not been destroyed, does it believe the dwarves would have used it? Oghren: Hmm. You mean to create more golems? Oh yes, faster than you could squish a nug. Shale: Even knowing the agony that it caused? They would still inflict it on others? Oghren: No need to inflict it. There'd be plenty ready and willing to sign up, just as you did. There's fewer and fewer of us each year, and the darkspawn never run out. If it meant saving Orzammar? There'd be plenty who'd become a golem, sure.

the dwarves are always dealing with the darkspawn threat, not just during a blight. for them, protecting their city and people is paramount, and sometimes that requires ultimate sacrifices they are willing to pay. for branka specifically, there are extra expectations. there are heights to rise to. it may not seem like she has sacrificed herself, since she still lives while most of her house is dead, but she as an individual has been sacrificed to a cause that has taken everything from her. she is also likely not in entirely sound mind--like the others, there is little for her to eat in the dead trenches other than darkspawn flesh, and, if you side with her, you find out she's been hearing voices. you also find out that she didn't understand the full horror of the anvil. with high coercion, the warden can convince branka that she has gone too far, and she will destroy the anvil herself, even after everything she has poured into this expedition.

Branka: I can hear it! It wants to be used again. It speaks in a hundred different voices. Surely you can hear them. Warden: You mean the voices of all the dead souls trapped inside? Branka: The dead? You think that's who I hear? But… no! It's the Anvil, calling to be used! Oghren: Did you hear what Caridin said? Hundreds of people were bound into golems, trapped inside the Anvil when their bodies were destroyed. That's who you hear! Branka: No! It's not true! You lie! Warden: (Persuade) Think clearly and ask yourself where its power comes from. Branka: But… I will not believe that was Caridin. Caridin would never turn on his own invention. He was a genius. The best of us all! He… must have been wrong. The Anvil was Orzammar's salvation! Warden: Caridin was ready to die to see the Anvil destroyed. Branka: The voices… they've been calling to me for so long, and I didn't even… oh, Hespith tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. Oghren: You have to make this right. The Branka I knew would do what is right. Branka: The Anvil must be destroyed. It's an abomination. Go. Return to Orzammar. It's better they never know what became of me.

regardless of what happens at the anvil of the void, branka does not survive. branka, who became a figurehead of cunning and innovation, who became like a god. branka, who was not an individual anymore, but a purpose and a cause. branka, who gave up everything, including her entire house and her lover, for the protection of orzammar. her title told her what she had to be, and failure was not an option, even when her actions became atrocities. when you first meet her, the conversation ends with oghren questioning what has become of the woman he married years ago.

Oghren: What has this place done to you?! I remember marrying a girl you could talk to for one minute and see her brilliance.

and she replies, before turning to walk away,

Branka: I am your Paragon.

[ron456]

ADHD/ Neurodiversity rant, Ig?? (TLDR at the end)

I feel like I've definitely went through some character development over the years but especially when I learned more about my ADHD.

They don't really give you that much info when you get diagnosed, I feel (I got diagnosed pretty young at like 7-8 and started taking meds when I was about 9 years old, I think).

And I started learning more about it in, like, middle school and it was wild to figure out that I wasn't alone in these experiences I was having like RSD (AND THE RSD CHEST PAIN- I WAS LIKE "OTHER PEOPLE WITH ADHD FEEL THIS TOO?!?"), Sensory issues (I get pissed if I get overstimulated and it was a relief to find out that other people feel like that too), skipping lines when I read and getting headaches while reading even though I wasn't dyslexic (Convergence insufficiency), being uncoordinated (my handwriting always going upwards instead of in a straight line, having trouble with using keys, or getting food all over myself when I ate) , problems with emotional regulation, etc.

Shout out to people on tiktok/youtube who have info on ADHD like: Connor DeWolfe, Ethan Nestor & Markiplier (not really their main content but they both do have it and occasionally talk about it. Ethan has the hyperactive type and Mark has the inattentive type), Olivia Lutfallah (her ADHD simulators are SO ACCURATE- And she has AuDHD so she has some stuff about autism too, I believe)

I remember I felt sorta daunted at first to realize I was way different than my peers than I first thought

and I had that sorta grieving process that people get when they get diagnosed later in life even though I had already been diagnosed

Like, "Damn. If only my past-self had known that. Maybe I could've shielded her from getting hurt."

But also, knowing more helped me move forward with more of a plan, I guess

Can't accommodate to yourself if you don't know what to accommodate to, right?

Anyways, I'm saying this because I think it's so important that people be taught more about Neurodiversities

Kids, parents, teachers, etc. should all be more informed because it saves a lot of confusion and pain for people in the long-run

Cuz a kid won't know that they have a different brain because that's all they've ever known. Sorta reminds me of the quote:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

But yeah, if it hadn't been for my second grade teacher who noticed that I was coming home with classwork and who didn't think I was just being lazy, I don't know if I would be here, today, to be honest.

All it takes is one person to notice the signs of neurodiversity and speak up to change someone's life for the better

which is why I always try to educate my friends on this kinds of things so that they can be more helpful and understand of people with neurodiversites and of themselves if they realize they have a neurodiversity

Also, I write about this because I used to find characters like Mable Pines and Steven Universe annoying until I realized they exhibited ADHD symptoms and there was probablyyy some internalized ableism in my mind as a kid. I was able to watch the shows with these characters in them as a teenager and realize how much they characters were like me! And I loved them for it! It's really cool to see how much my knowledge and acceptance for my ADHD has grown as I've grown!

Anywayssss, that is all. I'm on my meds rn and I had some motivation so decided to talk about this hehe. I gotta get ready for some babysitting rn lmao.

TLDR; People should be educated more on the signs of Neurodiversities so that people can get the help they need sooner instead of thinking they are "Wrong", "stupid", or "broken". I bolded some cool resources for more ADHD (and some other Neurodiversity) info and a cool quote :)

[motoinjuryjournal]

June 22nd. Weekend staff must be filled from staffing agency.

They were slow and forgetful. Nurse forgot to get me pain meds for 90minutes and an aid just forgot to get me coffee. Might be suffering from ADHD.

I had no wifi or cell signal in my room so had to get out to the depressing lobby to watch videos that my wife sent me. I got out there as soon as I watched them all.

Dinner had BBQ sauce on everything. They didn't have grill warmed up for alternative burgers, either so no dinner for me as I hate BBQ source. I skipped lunch today too so maybe I will start fasting.

As I complained about the gap on the floor at the bathroom door, AC, and chair in shower to Rosa, she was energetic to fix the issues for me. She got the maintenance guy. For the gap and AC. They didn't seem to understand what was the issues. I told them to use my walker to find out. They agreed that it would cause serious tipping over disasters. Unlike the occupational therapist whom just shrugged off told me to remember to lifting up my walker when I went thru.

Maintenance guy applied duct tape, says the temporary fix. I couldn't really regard as "fix" as the tipping would still occur if I wasn't careful. AC, he did the set temp up and somehow it shut off and start back up with colder air. If you set it like 64, they work hard, never shuts off and eventually blows warmer air. I asked for a dehumidifier as well. It's crazy humid. The main reason I was avoiding my home is that place had no decent AC. With my wounds, I should not be sweating. I know Rosa talked to whomever about the chair in the bathroom and the dehumidifier. But none of them were delivered.

I went out to ask for wash rag and soap. I know where the rag was so I went ahead got some. I saw JD, the day time nurse. She was a rather young black lady. When I asked for soap, she looked slightly annoyed. It's probably because she was sorting out the meds for the residents; she didn't want to be distracted. I heard the voice behind me," I will get it! So I waited the person to show up, to hand me the soap. It was longer than I wanted to wait standing with the walker so I headed for my room.

Soap wasn't coming, I figured. Probably they were distracted like other things. I started to bath myself. When I was done, I was completely naked standing to dry myself, I heard a knock. I said "hold on a second", JD just came in, placed tiny bottled soaps on my table. "You are fine!" She said. Like she didn't mind seeing me naked. Yeah she was a nurse. Used to seeing all kinds of human body parts. But what about my privacy? I was somewhat pissed off.

[emptylittlebug]

May 25, 2023

244.4

In: McDonald’s ice coffee, hashbrown, most of a gravy biscuit, vitamins, meds, skipped lunch, 2 pieces of chicken tenderloin, 1/2cup Kraft Mac & cheese

Didn’t get any exercise cause I’m lazy af. I did burn 2,175 cal though according to my Fitbit. Only took 2,739 steps today, that’s sad lmao.

Good news! I got accepted to sell my crochet stuffed animals at a local store today. I’ve really been stressing about it. I’m super excited. I’m already selling at another store and it’s going pretty well. Going to be keeping myself busyyyy lol. 2 stores plus 7 craft shows every year. Plus a full time corporate job. Plus being a single mom to 4 kids. Plus 2 of those kids are special needs. And one of those kids is homeschooled. Anddd being bipolar with adhd and more 😂😂😂

Idk how the hell I am but I’m getting shit done!

Im hoping that I can save enough money in the next 10-12 months to buy a house and also quit my corporate job. I want to do my little business full time. I think I can do it.

I need to cut expenses. I need to eliminate fast food. I’ve got to learn to actually like cooking. It’s absolutely not enjoyable to me. I’d rather scrub toilets than cook a meal… but I need to learn to like it to save money and calories.

[diaryofanaverageunicorn]

The day before the exam.

Day 2.

So, today was my last day for prepping for my oral exam that's happening tomorrow. Big yikes. I honestly can't wait to be done with this project (the oral exam is the last step). I'll be [frantically] trying to explain my reasoning in FIVE MINUTES. Appalling.

In other news, I did everything on my to-do list! Alright, not Everything™, I skipped the second planned 10-minute yoga of the day but I still did one so whatever. It's a win. I managed to wake up only 10 minutes after my alarm, which is an achievement while taking the sleep medication I got prescribed along with the ADHD meds. Three alarms are what did the trick (09:30; 09:35; 09:37)! Then I read two chapters of my current book, "The Reading Group" by Elizabeth Noble, and got to work on the final touches to my presentation for tomorrow. I planned two study sessions, one before and one after lunch. I actually finished during the first study session so I used the second one just for practising my speech. I watched four? five? episodes of the new Brooklyn Nine-Nine and man, oh man, does it make me depressed af. After, I looked for inspiration for my next semester's project and watched a couple of video-essay-style things to explore. Later, I complained to my paramour that I got allocated to a "speech" workshop, instead of the "digital media" one I wanted to take. The speed with which I wrote to the Head of Studies broke the space-time continuum. I absolutely will not spend five days a week, three weeks in a row, preparing and delivering speeches in front of 20 strangers. No, thank you. After, we had dinner and watched earlier episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine since my love hasn't seen the show before.

Ho letto il primo capitolo di una storia italiana. Since I'm renewing my studying of Italian. Again, it's on the list! And I didn't make any mistakes on the mini-comprehension test after the first chapter.

Italian word of the day, IWOTD: ansiosa/o — anxious!

It's not a happy word but it's relevant to my existence. After the Italian, I wrote out my to-do list for tomorrow, and now I'm journaling here. All that's left to do is to take my sleeping meds, finish my chamomile tea, do my basic skincare and I'll be off to bed! It's only 22:00!! Another win.

That's all folks,

M.

[corpseriot]

F.O.K rewrite ch. 1

So one of my platonic wives told me to rewrite a fanfic I wrote like almost 5 years ago so here it is. It’s an oc insert because I didn’t know how to fix it from that. I’m working with a dumpster fire here. Also I was a cis woman then and now I'm a funni gay man SO it’s going to be trans centered lmao. It’s literally titled ‘a shit show’ in my docs so fuck it. 

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Today was the first day in my attempt to get back into the ninja world. I’m twenty and only ever tried once, maybe it was laziness or maybe it was the fact I was misgendered half on purpose by some and on accident more often by most. But I believe I've put it off for too long. So here I am, up at 7:30 taking my morning ADHD meds and pounding an energy drink. Desperately trying to ignore my anxiety. I brush my dyed neon green shoulder length faux hawk out, being careful around my matching fox ears and my tail which I also dyed the same green. I stretch a little while tying up my hair in a fluffy ponytail and grab a muffin just in case, and with that leaving my dreary little apartment.

 The walk was quiet, just taking in the morning air waving at a couple of people that I recognize. I get to the school and step inside the classroom recognizing most of the kids. It warmed my heart seeing all the kids working hard to become the new generation of ninjas. I know they wouldn't recognize me but that didn’t change how proud it made me feel to see them here. I sit down next to the emo boy, Sasuke Uchiha. “Good morning, how are you?“ I greet. “I’m fine.” He states flatly. “I’m Tatum, Tate for short.” I smile resting my head in my hands. He looks over at me, trying to read in if I was trying something, but I wasn’t so he seemed to untense. “I’m Sasuke.” He says in an almost friendly tone. “Nice to meet you.” I grin. “Nice to meet you too.” He nods.

 I lay my head down only to have the nice, peaceful background chatter interrupted by shrill screams from two teenage girls. I look over at the door to see them, Ino Yamanaka and Sakura Haruno, screaming about who got into the door first which decides who sits next to Sasuke. “Oh god.” I mumble hearing loud footsteps hurry towards us. I hear Sasuke snicker probably at me, and it made me put my head up and look at him with a small smile. “Hey Miss, can you move, that's my seat.” Ino says. I look up confused looking around for the woman then it sank in that she meant me. “I should have shaved my head.” I mutter under my breath and see Sasuke look at me with some sympathy. “I don’t know what Miss you’re talking about kid, but this man isn’t moving.” I state looking at her leaning back.

 “I don’t know who you are but that’s my seat. Now please move.” Ino retorts. “YOU’RE SEAT? IT’S MINE!” Sakura shouts. They start arguing right next to me and it was hard to ignore the pain that was seeping into my head. “Hey kids can you please take your arguing elsewhere, preferably out of my range of hearing.” I snap. “You think you’re better than us or something?” Ino growls. “No, not at all I’m just mentally ill and have sensitive ears so, I just have thinner patience for trivial teen drama.” I say flicking one ear just for emphasis. Sakura opens her mouth to say something nut is cut off by Iruka coming in with a blond gremlin being dragged behind him. I smile seeing the gremlin, ‘they grow up so fast.’ 

“Today we’ll be taking the transformation test today because Naruto skipped it.” Iruka says. The class irrupts into groans and cruel words thrown at Naruto, and I can’t help but to subconsciously let my face turn to panic. Sasuke obviously sees and pats my shoulder, possibly trying to comfort me. “Barely remember how to do this one.” I laugh nervously. Sasuke sighs and explains the basic points to me and I nod taking it in. I keep going over it letting it actually set in. “But that’s after we meet the new student.” He adds. I look up quickly and panic. I look at him with pleading eyes to put it off till we finish the test. He shakes his head and motions me up. I sigh audibly and stand up trudging to the front of the class. “Please introduce yourself.” Iruka says. “Okay..well hello I’m Tatum, I go by Tate, I’m a guy, I like industrial metal music and that’s about it, oh and I can control metal sharp things I guess. I use it to help me cook, so it goes by faster because I hate cooking.” I smile fidgeting with my shirt hem, trying to fight my nervous stutter.

 “So um any questions?” I ask, taking my ponytails out and running my hands through my hair keeping myself calm. A handful of hands shot up so I choose Ino first. “Do you like anyone?” She questions most likely trying to find out if I'm competition for Sasuke. “Kinda, I rarely see him and it’s always been a very stupid crush, but it’s not anyone here I’m twenty and that would be weird.” I answer. Next I choose a boy with his cute puppy. “Do you know anyone here?” He asks. I nod, “I know almost everyone here just because I’m older and can remember when you all were tiny.” I snicker, smiling. 

Most of the remaining hands go down except Sakura so I pick her. “Who do you think you’ll make friends with?”  “I don’t know, but I’m just socially awkward so I might not be able to make friends.” I respond maybe too honestly. “Can we move on? This is such a drag.” A boy says. I nod in agreement and sit down next to Sasuke. “Alright class line up for the test.” Iruka ordered. I got behind Sasuke and stood there nervously. Sasuke turns into Iruka and sits down. I’m next. I start to panic and my ADHD brain starts running over every single thing that could go wrong. I take deep breaths to settle myself and I step up. I focus and attempt to turn into someone, anyone. I feel the change happen and I start to panic. ‘Who did I turn into?’ ‘How did I do?’ “Fourth Hokage, very good.” Iruka says. I blink and change back, “Thank you.” I mutter sitting back down.

I put my head down and wait till this is over. My brain won't let me stop thinking about how I did, if I failed, even though Iruka said I did good and if doing that is going to cause questions on why I know what the Fourth Hokage looked like so well. No one needs to be reminded of the past, I don’t want to be reminded of the time when I was scared to be me.   “Transformation jutsu!” Naruto shouts and I look up slightly to see a female version of Naruto completely naked and only clouds covering him up. I gag internally and drop my head down again, feeling hugely uncomfortable. “Why... oh god why..” I sigh, running my hands through my hair.

 After the test we were allowed to leave and I grabbed my things trying to get out of the room as quickly as possible due to it feeling too stuffy. I feel a small tug on my sleeve, I turn and see Naruto. “Hey what’s up kiddo?” I ask, smiling. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out after I clean the off the Hokage's faces.” He askes sheepishly. “Ya totally, I could help you too, I don’t have anything to do today.” I say giggling. “Really you want to hang out and help?! That’s awesome! You’re awesome! Believe it!” He shouts happily. I smile knowing this is the start of how I fix the relationship with my adoptive baby brother.

~(Graduation test day)~

I came to class today overly caffeinated and a very excited naruto. We sat down next to each other like we do everyday. I was honestly lucky to have him around, he was overly hyper and I was overly calm, so we balanced each other out well. “Naruto, what do you think we’re gonna get tested on?” I ask. “No clue it’s always a surprise.” He answers leaning back. “Keeping on our toes, alright then.” I chuckle. I grab a muffin from my bag and start snacking on it. “Tate, give me an honest answer, do you think I'll pass?” Naruto questions. I look up from my muffin crumbs around my mouth, I finish my bite and look at him, “You’ve been working so hard for this and I think you’re going to do great.”  “You’re right, I’m going to ace this! Believe it!” he cheers. I giggle and continue eating my muffin. Iruka comes in and starts to explain the test off a clipboard. “This will be a cloning test.” He states. Naruto’s face went pale. “That’s my worst jutsu!” He whines. “Believe it...” I sigh, shaking my head. “Tatum, you’re up first.” Iruka announces. I wipe the crumbles of my muffin off my face and stand up, looking over to Naruto. “Good luck Tate.” He grins. “Thanks, good luck to you too.” I smile back leaving to the testing room. 

“Alright make at least three clones.” Iruka says. “Okay.” I nod. I take a deep breath and focus my chakra and make four almost perfect water clones. “Good job just make them have your fully dyed hair and not streaked with your natural white. “Ya I’m still working on them.” I smile. “Please pick a headband.” He says opening a drawer. I grin and grab one excitedly and tie it around my neck. “Can you send Naurto in?” He asks. “Mhm, I can indeed.” I nod leaving. I open the door and shout for Naruto. He looks up at me and grins. “Go get em champ.” I chuckle patting his back while he walks out. I look around and realize there are no teachers to stop my caffeine ADHD thoughts. 

So as any normal person would do I start drawing mushrooms with eyes. The kids watch quietly as the chalk is dragged across the board in wild morbid and insane designs. “Draw a tree!” One kid shouts out. I pause on the board then start a beautifully macabre tree. More kids start shouting things out until I covered the entire board. I place the remainder of the chalk down and stand back taking in my work. I smile and turn to the class seeing them all amazed by my strange art. I take a chessy bow and sit down at my desk and lay my head down and fall asleep to the sight of my art. 

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I wake up later to an empty room where I stand stretching, I look outside to see Naruto sitting on the swing looking rather sad and Mizuki coming over and talking to him. Naruto seems to brighten up a lot and I couldn’t help but get a bad feeling in my gut. I run out of the building in a panic to find them already gone. I bite the inside of my cheek in worry and go to find Iruka. I go through the building and find him at his desk. “Iruka oh my god!” I shout coming into the room. “Hm? What’s wrong?” He asks. “I saw Mizuki talking to Naruto and- and I got a really bad feeling and they're gone and I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I fumble out. “I had a bad feeling too so thank you for informing me. Go home now, I'll take care of it.” He soothes. He stands and gives me a reassuring hug. “Okay, thank you. I think I'll get something to eat to calm down.” I nod assuring myself. “You do that.” He agrees letting me go. I leave and start the walk home staring at my feet and kicking rocks. I pause and go into a little shop and buy myself dinner. I get home and sit down and start on the dinner for two I got for myself.

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[glitterytidalwavedragon]

Sorry All - Things just got out of hand.

How do I put this?

I was in a very bad headspace for many months. I was taking my meds, for those who don’t know, which is many of you, I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. This is important as to what happened with my brain, but it is not an excuse either. I try hard not to make excuses and to take ownership for my actions. Yet, there are times when it all gets the better of me.

I know some of you might not ever read this nor care. I am okay with this getting lost in the pile of none anime things I have posted here on tumblr, sometimes these post have to happen just so I can feel better. This may end up as one of them. So let me begin.

As the school year started I planned to wait until the first month of school was over to see how things would go with the new COVID restrictions. I work with special education peoples in contained classrooms. I was not a teacher this year as the classroom I was promised got revoked and I was the equivalent of a paraprofessional. So much for my masters and hundreds of dollars’ worth of state test. Anyway, so I was working, keeping with code and enforcing code. What I and others did not realize was part of the code was not suspending students.

I understood that they had been out of school for a long time and many feel or felt that they needed a ton of supports to get back into school. I get it, TLC was the way to go and keeping them in program as much as possible. But when students leave literal scars, I mean bleeding wounds that healed into scars or getting punched so hard you choke back vomit, something needed to be done.

But nothing was.

I and others became punching bags. We would get hit with desk, tables and chairs and those same peoples would receive an iPad and sent back to class where they would repeat this over and over. We had students tell us they knew if they acted this way they would get what they wanted.

It was hell and there was no other job. This job was the only job we had as no one was hiring. Districts laid off hundreds, if not thousands of teachers and other workers. Our job market was flooded with highly educated people looking for jobs. Quitting meant the rent wouldn’t get paid. Food wouldn’t be on the table, and bills would pile up.

Work was hell on Earth and I had little say. We tired speaking out and we were told to suck it up and to be positive. We lost so many staff from this, including the teacher who mentored me for nearly six years.

Then there was the isolation. My best friend and I had each other but we missed our families. She was lucky and got to visit hers. Mine rarely called. My relationship with my family is complicated. But it hurts when they get to see each other, visit each other and you rarely get a call. When I tried reaching out I was told to suck it up and be an adult. That no one could see anyone only to find out siblings went across state lines to see friends or do favors for each other. Then I lost a few friends due to falling out.

This and the continue struggle with my sexuality. To put it short, I am bisexual and I have family who believes bisexuals do not exist. We are just people who can’t make up our mind and are the grosses kind of sluts and should figure it out. That fucking sucks. Because sometimes I do think I like women more then men, usually when a guy is being an asshole. But in the end, I love both.

Besides being very loud in their homophobic view, because there is so much more I won’t even touch here, they are also very racist. I am sure I don’t have to explain what with BLM and them. There is just no talking to them in short. So feeling forced by work, my family to stay in the closet and isolated, my mind was just not there.

I began writing more and more fanfic which attacked the reader character or characters. I began expressing hate for myself in my writing. I gain so much unhealthy weight and began skipping meds and starving myself, eating once a day if you even call cereal a meal.

I was just so unhappy that it showed in everything.

I thank whatever higher power for my best friend. I firmly believe it was their faith in me and things getting better as to why I am here today. Also the new kitten which we adopted, cute thing she is. But it got so bad I would break down crying because I thought I was an awful cat mom for not playing with them all the time.

Things are starting to look up, which is great. New job, I got to see my family (reconnected with some at least), consistent med taking and eating better (firstly by eating at all). I never forgot my promises to tumblr, I just couldn’t fill them while so messed up.

My Kaiba fic was when I decided to stop. I began seeing the self-attacks in the sequel and you all deserve so much better than that.

So here is to a new start.

Thank you.

[wickedhawtwexler]

tl;dr the entire process for adhd meds is bananas and i am irritated

ok so like i get that adhd meds are a schedule 2 drug so the law says i have to wait 30 days to get a refill. but it's 30 days later, my prescription hasn't been refilled (despite the fact that my doctor sent it on tuesday) and i'm currently off my meds. i have one pill left solely because i missed a dose because of that party last weekend, but my pharmacy has not updated their app or website with the status of my prescription in over 24 hours and like... idk when they're going to fill it! i've called several times, no one is picking up, and i have an important meeting 1-on-1 meeting with a collaborator on monday i have to be medicated for so i'm saving this last pill in case my prescription isn't filled by then. and like... is this what i have to do? purposefully skip doses (i.e. go against my doctor's instructions for taking my medication) bc of these wait periods? it's not the end of the world today, because it's saturday and i was just planning on writing & playing piano all day, but what about next month, when "30 days later" is during the weekday? am i supposed to just show up to work unmedicated? what if i have an important meeting? what about when i go to defend my dissertation, do i have to exclude days from scheduling polls with my dissertation committee because "lol i might not be able to get my adhd medication on time"? like, obviously i survived 25 years without being on meds but i am on them NOW for a REASON and i'm literally unable to take them as prescribed by my doctor and ugh. it's also just so ridiculous bc if i were actually out here trying to sell my meds or abuse them just to get high, do we really think i'd be out here getting the minimum fucking dosage? like fuck no, i'd be in my doctor's office with some fake sob story about how 5mg isn't enough and i need to be on the heavy shit. you'd probably need to take the entire bottle of 5mg tablets to get high asdflkj ANYWAY this post is now going to get me put on some DEA watchlist. i feel much better after ranting lmao. shoutout to anyone who has read this entire thing, mentally i am giving you one of the halloween sugar cookies i made last night

[tammyfeabakker]

Good morning everybody! I had a fab day yesterday. My daughter Emily my baby came over. We watched I am a killer.. as she was leaving my chloe video called me. I started telling bout the series... we are crazy over this stuff... the twisted mind has always captivated me. Chloe from the time she was a baby she sat on my lap relaxed and watched justice files cold case I'd detective ect. Her father and I would get into it. He would come at me with shes gonna be a serial killer... I'd come back with maybe she will be a forensic detective. She doesnt know what's going on shes a baby... well she became neither... and she knew what was what... she said watching all this made me aware of the world and my surroundings... she said she watched a tv show that stated we all meet a killer in our lives.true or not idk. I never had a problem with her at all...I never had to discipline her. Other then wanting her hair dyed a tat... which I took her to get I held her hands. Bout the only dark period that child went through... now emily ate rainbows shit butterflys...lawdy lawdy she was something else. By then TVs in every room. She didnt watch things like that. Tella tubbies was her thing VHS tapes galore disney ect. I had a problem on my hands she seen no bad in the world... I couldnt let her out of my sight! I was picking and driving her to her bus stop till she was at least 13... around 10 or 11 she started this attachment to me... she stuck to me like glue she would panick if I left her side. She went from the worse case according to the top pediatric psychologist ADHD he ever seen. Martial arts behavioral therapy you name it but meds I refused her taking meds... EIP classes the meeeetings teachers and I had she wasnt a discipline problem.... emily was hyper and happy she skipped everywhere evvvvv ery where. One of her teachers said I'd been teaching for 20years and I never seen a happier kid. Dont get me wrong her and I had our times... because she wanted to have freedom and I'm sorry she wasnt ready. Then that 10 11 stage of clinging... I found out why she watched lovely bones (my kids told me I'm not allowed to watch it. And they are not allowed to watch letters to Zachary). I was like a deer in head lights... she looked at me and said I became aware when I watched lovely bones... all that shit and she watched lovely bones and totally changed her.... laugh or cry! I'll be on later I got things to day today. Go back to work tomorrow chow for now✌❤🤣🙏🤞

[captainjanegay]

hello kasia!! ok so i know at this point you’re probably sleeping? maybe? you should be at least! 😂 but earlier i promised i’d check in! i just came upstairs from “finishing” my physics homework, so i’m pretty exhausted 😅 it’s very note heavy and as someone who hates reading with every fiber of their being, it’s frustrating. pushing through, though!!

today was pretty tough, i’ll admit. i accidentally forgot to take my anxiety med last night, and it’s usually ok if i catch up in the morning, but i slept through my alarm and 1) missed breakfast, and 2) forgot my meds AGAIN. so i was both hungry, late on my anxiety meds, and i forgot my adhd med 🤦🏼‍♀️ i surprisingly made it through the day though? i had work after and it was so crazy (the people who were there earlier in the day weren’t keeping up on the orders and i ended up having to do a speed run of nearly 100 items in less than hour— i was a little late but i didn’t really care at that point lmao). partway through my shift, i started feeling the effects of my forgotten meds too because i was feeling sick. it wore off though and i’m feeling okay now!

honestly at this point i’m just really tired and i want to watch a show to relax a bit! i also think i somehow chipped the back of my front tooth while eating, so that’s been driving me crazy all day 🙄 today has just been awful so i’m hoping tomorrow goes better!

ok i’ll shut up about me now! i’m so happy you’ve been doing a bit better kasia! you deserve that, so i’m glad you’re feeling better and that your writing has been going well ☺️❤️ i hope i didn’t jinx it! i’m sending you all my love and my biggest hugs honey, i love you so much 🥺💕 i hope you have a great tuesday! (i almost just said monday realizing it is not, in fact, monday tomorrow 🤦🏼‍♀️😂)

I was sleeping! Dhjajs 😂💚 so I've woken up to seeing your name in my notifs, which is the best way to wake ;') 💚

Ugh, I hated physics at school and I was pretty bad at it. Like at most science subjects even though I do find some of them interesting, like I love reading popular science books and articles but learning it at school? Nope, thanks.

I'm sorry you've had a rough day but I'm so proud of you for making it! Even despite forgetting about your meds you've felt with everything and that's so great 💚💚 and getting so much work done even despite feeling bad! You're so incredible!

I really hope you've been able to watch some supernatural and chill and take a breather, you really deserve it! 💚 I send you all the good vibes, all of my love and affection and all the strength to deal with school and work although you have plenty of your own! 💚

Yeah, I've been awfully stressed about uni since I've skipped that other week when I was sick (I'm still only a bit better though dhsjsj) but the classes were ok and I didn't miss as much as I thought :') so obvsly I worried for nothing but that's standard for me dhjsjs and being able to write is great although I'm not a big fan of the things I write but the important part is that the writing log is working and it keeps me motivated and I can edit all the bad shit later :') which would be hard in its own way but hey, that's a problem for future me dhsjsj I've been hearing so many nice things about my writing lately it makes me think I might not suck so much dhsjsj :')

It's ok, I never remember which day it is, time is a lie anyway dhajjs Thank you so much for sending this! I really enjoy hearing about your day, your opinions and thoughts and literally anything that's on your mind! 💚 Sorry the reply took me a while! I love you so so much and I hope the rest of the week will be kind to you cause that's what you deserve! 💚💚💚

[ladytemeraire]

I am very, very tired of my brain being broken.

(Today has been a particularly bad brain day, feel free to skip. CW for discussion of medical stuff and anxiety.)

I feel like the thing a lot of neurotypical people don’t realize is that those of us who deal with mental illness or other brain issues like ADHD are fully aware of just how absurd our neuroses and triggers are, and having to live with them is far more frustrating and exhausting than you could ever imagine. Like we know our brains are being dumb, we know it’s not logical or rational, and knowing it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.

I thought I was holding it together okay given the state of things but hoo boy did today prove me wrong. Even with being very good about taking my meds and trying to get sleep and extending myself extra grace and self care, I’ve gone from maybe one panic attack a month to one or more per week.

Here is what prompted the latest one, transcribed as close to the frantic screaming in my brain as I can manage:

I had a blood draw yesterday (routine health screening, scheduled well before the world went to hell, the person came to my place rather than me going to a clinic or hospital and wore a mask to limit exposure) and it went fine but she couldn’t get a vein to plump up in my left arm so she had to use my right one and now it hurts and there’s a huge bruise and the fact that it’s my dominant arm means I can’t stop using it to ice it and make it better, which wouldn’t be a big problem except my piece of shit over-anxious brain can’t stop focusing on pain in the right arm as the symptom of a stroke or heart attack (particularly in women) and connecting that to how strokes and clots have been showing up in otherwise healthy young people as a comorbid symptom of COVID even though I have no reason to think I have COVID, not to mention that’s a thing to be concerned about in its own right, and it’s linking that straight back to the paranoia I thought I’d kicked years ago about clots and aneurysms and other silent medical issues.

(Also I really, really fucking hate blood draws in general so I was a crying mess during it and that only makes me feel like more of a baby about the whole thing.)

I literally had a sobbing panic attack on the couch for almost two hours straight this morning, and then another shorter one partway through the afternoon, and I can’t make it stop. My anxiety in general and medical anxiety in particular hasn’t been this bad since I had my breakdown in college. And it’s not entirely unfounded, but there’s nothing I can do about it, there’s no tangible way to soothe it, so all I can do is spiral.

I might call my PCP and ask if he’d consider prescribing Xanax or something, just to help get me through the extra stress brought on by The State Of The World, because clearly that’s been enough to push me from “a little stressed but managing and coping” to “two seconds from a breakdown at all times”. But that might require me going in for an appointment, and I really don’t want to do that right now, even though our governor in his infinite wisdom has started moving us to Phase 1 of reopening.

To be perfectly clear, I am not looking for medical advice, and I am perfectly aware of exactly how goddamn ridiculous this all sounds; I’m just venting into the void. I just want it to stop. Just make my brain shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes and let me live my life without having to fight with my own goddamn mental processes.

[brokenheartsandtwistedminds757]

Please watch this if anyone crushed your dreams or never believed in you, if you ever felt lost and still do... Lord please help me find my purpose my calling my dreams , if you don't even know who you are bc you lost yourself or sense of self to someone or to an external source and in silence you can't sit with the your own self bc you are not connected with yourself within and so confused as to do next... I am ADHD . I was on second in about to skip it to distract myself with something else and for some reason I watched and laughed and I've been in a rut in writing and being in touch with my own soul with the inner child I suppressed and was repressed bc I was the black sheep, the misunderstood, the outcast, I too have a love for Albert Einstein, I too have a learning disability and recently lost my voice to domestic violence for 15 yrs and I made someone my everything and now left with nothing, and I see why I needed to broken hearted by a twisted mind bc now I free to explore and discover what my potential can be, and no wonder i was delusional bc I am truth seeker and I felt always uncomfortable, anxious and it's bc I was not allowed to be or able to express myself the authentic person I am.

" I used to wait for the newspaper, to wait for my dad to finish and so I can then cut out the funny comics like Garfield the cat and I used to laugh and then I ventured in to drawing " I drew Garfield and was so proud of it and my father said " you need to practice more it it's that good "

Little did he know: today this day he has no clue how that one sentence, killed and ahattwred my drive and imagination to dream; I believe of what Steve Harvey Said. Education isn't everything even though society tells us so, but obviously with what's been happening in the present time, I am glad I'm that black sheep of the family bc now I have the opportunity to change my ancestry, and tell my daughter with true ethusiam that her artwork is amazing and I encourage her to color outside the lines even though as we color together as an adult: me drawing inside the lines and my 4 year old just scribbling all over th page with colors out of random and triggered my OCD & in that moment I almost did something to her by words is killing her will to learn and have fun by almost " correcting " her to " color inside the lines and use the accurate colors " smh. In that moment as I had a flashback and I never drew again and even if I did doodle I would never show it to anyone in fear of it not being accepted but again Im thankful For being misunderstood bc after watching this video and diving deep of soul searching; I realized too, I am not supposed to fit in, it's the rebels without a cause that change the world but are labeled and judged as we are standing in line waiting for or prescription meds by a phyaiciatrist who has seen you since 18 and yet being now (--) of age still doesn't know your name. Maybe I was crazy for doing the same things expecting different results by changing myself externally to be accepted by people who I cared for and didn't aswell, now I know why age of 9. I want to die ? Nothing is more miserable than holding in your ability to express urself in any format bc I was made to believe anything I did or said was silly or stupid. I didnt know my root of all the circumstances and consequences of those I am suffering and surviving at the same time that I AM WORTHY, if it was one thing to note : ( I was the sperm tadpole to make it in the egg first ?) ;) I know this is all over the place but I usually would select-all-copy+paste to my UNSENT/UNSEEN MESSAGES / Or ADHS : verbal vomit. But fuck it. It is what it is. HAVING SUCH A MIND FULLY purging of thoughts and ideas that were repressed aswell as the insecurity and self conscious Ness that led to disablitating social anxiety which I proud I can even admit that on a social media sites bc most of mine is of Albert Einstein image and everything set to private bc thinking I would be a burden to " friends" / family/ strangers....I want to be an advocate for ADHD AND hopefully change the damn abrievation to EFDD. Just remember , I'm aware I'm not always be on the same page as the rest. (Ha! Or even the same chapter as someone for my age "/ who makes these unofficial societal rules that is bullshit to its finest ) if you made to this point well you are ADHD yourself and can relate or something resonated with you to intrigue your interest, my phone is so hot I think it's about to explore or possibly crash with my luck, but I just want to say, think or don't think outside the box, color within or outside the lones, it really just doesn't matter after all we have to side of the brain the the left and the right? No more hiding or fear of decideding! JUST BE U, Or else once by THE TIME U figure out what you want or who you want to be IN life or what ur dreams are; You already be six feet under. So disregard into the COVID-19 But with all respect and rip to all and their loved ones but get off your phone & go climb a tree. We are th wild ones, the free spirits and the light workers or the world to help / heal other of humanity's wounds, let's all disagree to agree that even though I will most likely continue to be on my phone after I post, I'm just going to to say at least I can feel free to speak my truth and can care less if this makes sense or has many grammertical errors or no commas lol. When I press that blue post button just know I for once was able to exhale.....

[heysawbones]

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94. 

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow. 

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so. 

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once. 

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult” 

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me? 

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me: 

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out: 

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133). 

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

[8941189]

I saw my new psychiatrist today explicitly to manage my ADHD, and I got told that I don’t have ADHD because I graduated from a competitive university. Never mind that my life falls into shambles every time I go off meds. Never mind that I’ve been professionally diagnosed. Never mind that I fit the symptoms. Apparently because I have a degree to show for four years of downing energy drinks, pulling regular all-nighters, skipping lectures, and crying in bed, my psychiatric disorder isn’t valid. 

I hate being a woman with ADHD. This condition is fucking hell and yet barely anyone takes you seriously. You’re just quirky at best and lazy at worst. I don’t need antidepressants! I have depression because ADHD is ruining my life, and it goes away when I’m on stimulants! I explained that, and my psychiatrist says she’s “not convinced.” 

[whatiwillsay]

okay so technically today is day 4 of ritalin (i skipped saturday).

i called my psychiatrist today and she upped me from 5mg to 10mg since the 5mg did absolutely nothing for me other than giving side effects.

as for today’s side effects - i got my second vaccine yesterday and had bad side effects from that all of today, so i can’t tell exactly what’s to blame on the meds versus what’s to blame on the vaccine.

i still don’t think that the medication is working at all, which is highly discouraging to me. im still not able to focus, i’m still as easily distracted and scatterbrained as always, etc. like i took the meds and immediately sat down to try to do some work so i’d be working as it set in (like you suggested), and in the time frame that it was supposed to set in, i didnt feel anything other than continuing to struggle to focus on the assignment. like i spent an hour trying to do it, and i have absolutely nothing to show for that other than “opened powerpoint” and “opened rubric” (which is especially pathetic considering that i intentionally started with a super easy assignment).

i’ve only been on this higher dose for just over an hour, so after i finish typing this out, i’m going to try to do some school work again to try to figure out if there really is no benefit or if the benefit is just super nominal.

i shuffled fearless tv when i opened tumblr just now and now i’m crying because the best day came on and i think i really miss my mom. like i just saw her yesterday but i really miss her i think. i feel really guilty too because i feel like i’m wasting her money and idk how insurance works but i think i’m wasting her deductible too. and we used to have a super rocky relationship but now that it’s better i feel like i’m wasting it. like her birthday was last week and all i did was text her “Happy birthday” and she responded “Thank you dear” and then later that same day when i called her i didn’t even say anything nice to her, i just cried about my own issues and she was supportive and perfect, and what have i done to say thank you for that? what could i even do to say thank you for everything she’s been doing these past few months for me if i’m not able to function myself? like she has so much on her plate right now, her parents are ill and her brother got evicted and had to move in with her and has a lot of issues, and i’m just piling more onto that. like i call her every day and every day i just cry to her.

thanks again for being here. idk why but typing it out in your inbox helps calm me down a bit haha

hahahha bb i can tell you’re on ritalin with all this typing!  i would take it while feeling sick like from the vaccine.  i find adhd meds work best when taken on a lightly full stomach and after a good night’s rest or the jitters set in too extremely.  maybe wait to be over the vaccine and give it another couple weeks.  keep trying to get productive BEFORE it sets in.  if it doesn’t start to help it may just be not the med for you! vyvanse was the only one that helped me really.