#skam france au | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

killherfreakout · 5 years ago

Text

tessellate

CHAPTER 4

an Elu AU where Lucas has a crush on his best friend Eliott, and he finds comfort in the stars.

I don’t have the bones to be free / I believe in love when he / confesses himself inside me

ch. 1 // ch. 2 // ch. 3. // read on ao3

* this chapter is rated mature

* * * * *

NOV 1 - LUNDI 9:22

He doesn’t know exactly when he knew.

So when Eliott asks when he knew he loved him—or, liked him, as his confession was worded—as they lay on the same pillow in the older boy’s bed with limbs intertwined and hands traveling all over the new space of skin they are now allowed to explore, Lucas doesn’t quite know what to say.

There wasn’t a feeling of allatonceness everyone talks about; he can’t even pinpoint a progression of feelings. Perhaps they developed subconsciously, without his knowledge until they were too intense to go unnoticed. Maybe the knots in his stomach were because of these feelings and not the usual every day nervousness he’s used to.

Maybe it’s like Aristotle said. Just a constant fall towards his natural place: Eliott. Or as if meeting Eliott was the violent motion that knocked his life off course, or, right where he was meant to be. Or some combination of the two — meeting Eliott was a naturally violent event just destined to happen.

But even if meeting Eliott was such an event, that doesn’t explain how they got here. Here as in having confessed that they love each other, in a way more than friends do. He feels that a major shift occurs whenever Eliott is brought into anyone’s life; Lucas is not special in that regard. But having this, being able to kiss and touch and embrace whenever they wish, is something only Lucas can do. So what changed? How did his friendship with Eliott turn into longing, hoping, yearning for more?

Because if love is anything like energy, then there are laws that apply. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, so perhaps the same is true for love. It can take on different forms, can fluctuate and move from one place to another, can remain potential or transform into something else entirely. But it’s never not there, never forced, and can have a mind of its own.

That much he knows for sure. He’s seen it first hand; how quickly it can change, there one minute and gone the next. He’s seen how his father’s love changed and moved on to the new family he’s made for himself away from him and his mother, and seen how Emma and Yann remained friends after their break up.

Of course he didn’t have this answer ready this morning, only now putting his thoughts together in class and daydreaming of the warm comfort of being in Eliott’s arms.

“I’m not sure. I just know that I do, now,” he said, face to Eliott’s bare chest and tracing the smooth skin of his collarbone.

He could feel Eliott’s hand pushing the hair out of Lucas’ face and feel the smile on his forehead before leaving a kiss there. One hand traveled down his face, thumb pressing the bone of his jawline and fingers stroking the skin behind his ear, before gently pulling his face up for a kiss — their first since before they fell asleep the night before.

Their conversation didn’t get much further, for they replaced words with touches and glances and kisses. That, and Charlotte opened the door to tell Eliott, “you’re going to be late for sch—” before seeing the two wrapped up in each other. Lucas immediately retreated from Eliott’s embrace and scrambled for the covers that would have been beneficial in masking the compromising situation he has found himself in, once again — this time definitely more humiliating than the last.

“We’re going, we’re going,” Eliott assured his mother as he got out of bed and threw on a shirt. He seemed completely unaffected by the intrusion, not an ounce of embarrassment or guilt present in his voice or muscles — Lucas watched the ones on his upper back as they flexed and relaxed in the process of getting dressed, actually let himself look unlike that night of stargazing.

“This was great while it lasted but I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to look at your mom in the eyes now.”

Lucas hated how Eliott just giggles at that, until he gave in and started to laugh too — at his luck and at the way Eliott looked so cute and giddy.

“What has you in such a good mood?” Imane’s voice breaks him out of his trance, having noticed his cheeks getting rosy from the events of the morning.

“Nothing,” he smiles, picking up his pencil and getting to work.

NOV 3 - MERCREDI 15:26

Eliott is picking Lucas up at his apartment to take him to this new pizza place he’s been raving about. He texts that he’s on his way up and Lucas cannot find a pair of clean socks for the life of him. So, when Eliott knocks on the door, he’s still rummaging through his drawers and hamper to find any pair he can.

Mika answers the door; Lucas finally finds some socks under his bed, and he can hear Eliott and his flatmate talking from the hall.

He can’t believe Mika actually has the nerve to ask if Eliott is available and hardcore flirts with him in their living room. Eliott just laughs and plays along, until he tells him, seriously, “Unfortunately, I am deeply in love.”

This makes Lucas stop in his tracks as he makes his way towards them. He supposes he knew that already; they are in this honeymoon stage of just getting together, but it still knocks the wind out of him.

Mika is surprised but mostly curious, and maybe a little but jealous. “Really? Since when?”

And thank the gods that he doesn’t ask, with who? because Lucas doesn’t know if he’s quite ready to tell people just yet.

Eliott looks down at his feet, grinning that big, stupid, beautiful grin — and love looks so good on him, he thinks. When he looks up he sees Lucas approach from the hallway but doesn’t enter the room yet, and locks eyes with him while saying, “Since the first moment I saw him.”

And now Lucas feels the air being swiftly knocked out of his lungs once again, instantly being replaced with love — the intense, all-consuming kind. Since the first moment he saw him?

He recalls that moment now, trying to wrap his brain around the fact that Eliott could see anything worthy of love in him at the time, or even now.

It was a spring day, Lucas spent it with his mother at the science center, their favorite place. Although they didn’t have loads of money to afford a membership there, they saved their trips for special occasions, and ended up spending hours in the astronomy exhibits. But on this particular day, there was no special occasion, his mother just woke up that morning and decided they would go, even bought one of those expensive knick knacks for Lucas in the gift shop.

That’s where he met Eliott, he was looking at notebooks with images of the Milky Way on the cover. Eliott smiled at him, and Lucas couldn’t help but give him one in return, inevitably spouting facts about the galaxy to start conversation. The next week they saw each other at school and the rest is history.

It is so overwhelming—this tidbit of information, the memories flooding back, the sheer knowledge of Eliott returning every ounce of his love—that it moves him to where Eliott is standing in the doorway, takes him by the arm out of the apartment and down the hall.

They nearly trip down the stairs, all while not letting go of the other’s hand, laughing like the lovesick idiots they are. If Eliott wants to ask what he’s doing, Lucas doesn’t give him the time to. When they reach the lobby, Lucas can’t stand it and has to drag Eliott into the mailroom; he wastes no time in shutting the door behind them and taking a fistful of the taller boy’s shirt to attach their lips in a heated, passionate kiss. Eliott kisses him back urgently, and Lucas swallows his soft sighs.

They part to come up for air, and Lucas breathes out, teasing but smiling so big he can’t help it.

“Since the first moment you saw me, huh?” There’s a hint of this whole time? And all that time, I could have had this? in his voice. Lucas doesn’t let him answer, he crashes their lips together in another searing kiss before Eliott has the chance.

They part after another minute and look into each other's eyes for the first time that day. Eliott’s are a lot bluer today and seem to be glittering with that rare glint they do sometimes.

“And every moment since.” Eliott’s reply is so sweet as if dripping in honey, and it is so fucking cheesy and romantic that if literally anyone else were to say it he would be sick. But it’s Eliott, saying it to him with that madly-in-love grin, and Lucas could just about burst at the seams with emotion. God, if only fourteen year old Lucas could see him now.

Eliott takes his face in his hands and kisses him again, his hold firm and strong it makes Lucas weak in the knees. He reaches his arms around the taller boy’s waist for leverage, and his neck is starting to get sore from being tipped back so far, but he doesn’t care — as long as Eliott keeps kissing him, touching him like this.

“I love you,” Lucas says into Eliott’s mouth, then moves down to work on Eliott’s neck. “So. Fucking. Much,” he punctuates each word with a kiss.

He can feel more than hear Eliott’s groan when he teases the skin with his teeth, feel Eliott’s hands tangle in his hair at the smooth glide of his tongue that comes after. Lucas adjusts his stance, needing him closer, and places a leg between both of Eliott’s; it’s unclear which one of them makes the sound of pleasure filling the small space. And suddenly their jeans feel like they are getting tighter, so Eliott has to push at Lucas’ shoulder.

“Okay, baby, I love you too, but don’t start something we can’t finish.” Eliott giggles and flicks his eyes around the tiny mailroom, because they are that couple that couldn’t keep it in their pants long enough to leave the building, or go back upstairs to do this.

Lucas looks up at him now, seeing the enamored smile on his boy’s plump lips and meets him with the same one. Both of his hands are now tangled in the fabric of Eliott’s shirt, and he can feel his cheeks flush more from the comment than the kisses.

His mind was too preoccupied to take in the nickname, and when Lucas finally registers it, he turns scarlet. Baby. He swoons. And also maybe feels his jeans get just a little tighter. He can’t seem to stop the stupid giddy smile from growing on his lips and rests his forehead onto the boy’s sternum, out of shyness and just because he can. Lucas plants a kiss to Eliott’s heart, then releases the fabric from his grip and instead rests his hand on Eliott’s heart again.

He can feel the rhythm of it pulsing, imagine the word inked onto it. Life. It’s the blood rushing through their bodies, it’s what makes love possible. And Lucas is so happy that this is his — that he gets to share his life and his love with Eliott. Life, love: they are quite interchangeable, Lucas thinks — you cannot have one without the other.

Lucas laces their fingers together as they walk out of the mailroom and the building, and back into their love-filled lives.

17:44

NOV 5 - VENDREDI 19:03

Eliott has invited Lucas to one of the events at the university for applicants and future students where faculty and alumni are available to ask questions and exchange contact information before classes begin. Lucas thinks it’s a little early for it but he doesn’t know anything about uni or film, so he’s just happy to accompany Eliott and meet the people he has been working with.

They are about to walk in the door; Eliott is texting Adriano that they’re here with one hand because his other arm is being clutched by both of Lucas’.

Eliott gets a nametag and a packet of information from the table before entering the large room.

A young man comes up to them and Lucas can immediately recognize him as Adriano.

“Hey, you made it!” he says with a pat on Eliott’s shoulder, which would have made Lucas seethe with envy if he and Eliott weren’t together now. The thought does something to his stomach, a weird sinking feeling he used to be very familiar with.

He’s almost as tall as Eliott, his hair as dark as Eliott’s was on Halloween. His green eyes shift and land on Lucas; they’re kind and welcoming.

Eliott realizes they haven’t met before and introduces them. “Sorry, Lucas this is Adriano, and Adriano this is Lucas, my—” he stops, suddenly aware that they haven’t had the what are we telling people talk yet.

And Lucas immediately finishes with, “Boyfriend.” He extends a hand for Adriano to shake, “Hi, Lucas, the boyfriend.”

And it should be scary to say it out loud, but for some reason it isn’t. Maybe it’s because Eliott told him Adriano was pan too, and there’s a kind quality to Adriano’s gaze.

“Hi, Adriano. Or, I guess you can see that,” he motions to his nametag, smiling. “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too. I hear you’ve been working on something,” Lucas turns to Eliott, “but this one has yet to show me any of it.”

“Hey! I told you I would show you when it’s all finished!” his boyfriend exclaims.

“I know, I know. I guess I’m just very curious to see what you have been doing, like 24/7,” Lucas nudges Eliott’s side playfully.

“I mean, he does have a point,” Adriano agrees, and he and Lucas share a look.

Lucas snakes a hand around Eliott’s torso and places a kiss on his cheek while the other two talk about storyboards and drafts.

After an hour or two of circling the room and quick conversations with program directors and club presidents, Eliott and Lucas leave the building and take the short walk to the bus stop.

“Eli, you should definitely apply for that short film scholarship thing,” Lucas suggests as they cross a street.

He hates how Eliott’s shoulders tense at the words. “Yeah, I don’t know. If anything I think everyone there made me more intimidated than I already was, and I probably wouldn’t get it anyway.”

“Hey, you don’t know that,” Lucas says softly, squeezes the hand he’s holding in reassurance. “You can think about it, you don’t have to decide now. And even if you don’t win it, it would still be a great opportunity. And I will support you either way,” Lucas tries instead.

“I love you,” is Eliott’s reply, finished with a kiss. He’ll take it.

They continue to walk in silence, hands swinging between them, sharing smiles and kisses here and there. They talk again when they’re seated on the bus back to Eliott’s.

“So...boyfriend? Is that what we’re telling people?” Eliott asks, hesitant but open for Lucas to confirm or deny.

Lucas sighs, then starts, “I mean, yes. But I don’t know if I’m ready to tell the guys or my roommates or anything. If that’s okay?”

“We can do whatever you want, whenever you want to,” Eliott tells him with a hand on his knee. Lucas smiles up at him and thinks he really got lucky with this one.

He can sense Eliott’s eyes on him still, like he’s waiting to bring something up he’s afraid to. And then he asks, “I get that you don’t want to tell your friends yet, I do. Just.. you told Adriano, and it went well?”

Lucas remembers Adriano’s eyes and knowing smile when he said it. “I think it was just easier to tell him, like, I didn’t really know him and I knew he wouldn’t judge, I guess. And with the guys, or the girls...I think they’ll be supportive, but it’s still really fucking terrifying.”

Eliott takes his hand again, rubs his thumb back and forth. “I understand. Coming out is kind of an everyday thing, but it gets a little easier every time. And if they can’t accept it then they don’t deserve you. And I’ll be proud of you either way.” He bumps his shoulder against Lucas’, the words and the gesture making a smile bloom on his face that is soon being kissed again.

NOV 6 - SAMEDI 11:46

NOV 9 - MARDI 17:01

They watch a movie, Comet, on the couch in the coloc, sharing a bowl of popcorn and vanilla ice cream straight from the carton. Eliott’s feet are propped on the coffee table in front of them, legs crossed at the ankles; Lucas’ are laying on top of them, his legs not quite long enough to reach the table from his position on the couch.

The film begins at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery where people are waiting in line to attend a screening on the lawn. In the line, some guy is desperately trying to pick up a girl as another guy watches and eventually intervenes.

He doesn’t know why he says it out loud, but it reminds him of seeing Eliott with Adriano at the film festival all those weeks ago.

“Hey, that day at the film festival, were you— um, were you on a date?”

Eliott keeps his eyes on the screen until the scene is over and snaps back to reality to consider the question. “What?”

“You know..I was with Chloé, and I saw you and— and Adriano holding hands.” His stomach is starting to tie in knots at the memory of that horrible day, the feeling almost unfamiliar now since it has been a while since he felt this way.

Eliott seems to recall that day and turns to fully face Lucas, even though it’s difficult under the weight of the legs on top of his.

“Oh, you mean with Adriano? No! We weren’t on a date. We were there to see the movies of course, but after he dragged me to talk to the program director for EICAR.”

Lucas just looks at him, trying to understand what happened as his stomach keeps churning.

“Like, literally took my hand and dragged me over there because I didn’t have the guts to do it myself,” Eliott continues, voice light and airy.

“Oh,” is all Lucas says.

And this makes Lucas feel guilty, just as he had when he kissed Chloé as the credits rolled. He had no right being jealous of the guy who was just trying to help Eliott get comfortable with talking to the people at the booth. He feels even more guilt at the fact that he didn’t know how nervous Eliott was about pursuing film school, and couldn’t help but feel like a lousy friend for not being there when he was.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott asks when he sees the defeated look on his face.

I’m a terrible friend and a terrible person and I wish I could be half the person you are because for some reason you still keep me around even though I seem to fuck everything up, his brain supplies. Tears start to prick his eyes but he keeps them at bay. It’s a skill he is ashamed to admit he has mastered.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for that, and all of the things I missed because I let stupid things get in the way of being a decent friend.”

“Lucas, it’s okay, really. I know things have been kind of intense lately. Just knowing that you’re there is enough.”

Eliott reaches an arm around Lucas’ shoulder and the latter rests his head on the older boy’s chest. A single tear manages to escape but is quickly wiped away with a shrug of one shoulder.

The voices on the screen fill the space now and Eliott says, “I’ve always wanted to go there!” shifting excitedly on the couch.

Lucas laughs, “We will have to go then, when you are nominated for an Oscar and then your movie will be the one playing on that building.”

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees with a tight-lipped grin.

Lucas nudges their shoulders together and leans into Eliott’s side.

“Okay, how did the writer crawl inside my brain and make Dell the American version of me?” Lucas says, sitting up with his legs criss-crossed.

“What are you talking about?”

“He just said he’s a ‘five minutes from now person’ and how he’s too busy thinking of the next minute to enjoy the one he’s living. I will say he is more bold than I will ever be, though. Who says something like ‘I’m probably going to fall in love with you’ to the person he just met?”

Lucas and Eliott share a look, one that says oh yeah, Eliott would.

“You’re right, though. This guy is a genius. He’s actually married to the actress who plays Kimberly.”

Lucas loves that Eliott gets to be the nerd for once and playfully shoves at him until getting comfortable in his arms again.

NOV 10 - JEUDI 18:32

What started as a study date got increasingly unbearable for Lucas to keep still when he and Eliott were alone in his apartment.

Lucas starts kissing him, and Eliott still tries to talk but Lucas swallows all his words and hums. He eventually puts his hands on Lucas’ chest to pull their mouths away; his hands stay there even when Lucas whines and tries to lunge forward.

“C’mon, baby, you can take a break, you’ve been at this for hours,” Lucas turns to the laptop now sitting on the coffee table.

“I know, I’m just kind of stressed about this stupid assignment. It’s not due until Monday but still.”

“Perfect, then you have time for a break,” Lucas tries again.

They have a short staring contest — Eliott holding back from giving in when he so clearly wants to, and Lucas practically burning with desire waiting for him to do just that.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Eliott finally admits with his signature shrug, and that glint in his eyes from the mailroom the other day.

Lucas takes it as a cue and throws a leg over Eliott’s body, knees on either side of him digging into the couch cushions. Eliott’s hands find their way to Lucas’ hips as if on instinct, and the latter lowers himself to sit on Eliott’s lap, still straddling him.

They meet in the middle for a kiss, slow and languid as they let each other lick into their mouths. Then Eliott’s hands travel slowly up and down Lucas’ thighs and eventually rest on his hips with a firm grip. Lucas lets his arms twist around Eliott’s neck and on the back of the couch, sometimes moving down to grip at his hair.

Both can feel the other growing hard at the close proximity of their clothed crotches - and this is about as far as they have gone until now.

Maybe Eliott wants to give Lucas an out, let him know that they don’t have to continue if he’s not comfortable and he would be more than okay to stop, when he says, breathless, “Lucas, we don’t have to—”

And Lucas wants nothing more than to keep going, so he assures him, but not without being a teasing little shit about it.

“Well, maybe I started something I want to finish.” Lucas looks down at him with a devilish grin, feeling confident at the way Eliott reacts with a gulp and dark eyes.

And what comes next is involuntary, but rewarding — Lucas starts to swivel his hips back and forth and in figure eights, which earns a deep moan out of Eliott, so he continues until suddenly his shirt is thrown on the floor. Lucas keeps up the movement of his hips, in need of friction for their now fully hard erections.

Eliott’s shirt follows soon after. Their mouths hang open, panting while their gazes meet, pupils blown out in lust and a mutual feeling of holy shit are we actually doing this?

So hands roam and hair is pulled and foreheads get sweaty. Eliott noses down Lucas’ throat until teeth sink in and his tongue slides around, the latter throwing his head back in pleasure as well as allowing more access. Then pants are being unzipped, skin is touching skin, and open-mouthed kisses are being peppered everywhere. Hands travel south and more moans and groans are released, ah, fuck and shit, oh god fill the air, which grows hotter with each passing second.

And it’s funny that Lucas doesn’t even think about the fact that he’s never done this before—with anyone —or that he is probably the least experienced person Eliott has been with, or that they are getting off on the same couch Eliott watches movies with his parents on, or that he is doing so with his best-friend-turned-boyfriend. He doesn’t think about any of it because, well, he doesn’t have the time to, and all his brain can do is scream more, more, more and Eliott, Eliott, Eliott.

It feels fucking good, like, amazingly good; he gets it now, when people say it feels so good that they see stars. Lucas comes first, but he lasts longer than he thought he would, and he also doesn’t really fucking care, when a pleasure like this exists.

Eliott finishes with a fuck, Lucas—, then Lucas swings his leg around and crashes against the couch next to him.

They take their time catching their breath while basking in the post-orgasm haze.

“Woah,” Lucas lets the word fall from his lips, chest heaving.

“Yeah, woah,” Eliott breathes out.

They burst into giggles and Eliott eventually rests his head on Lucas’ shoulder before cleaning up and getting dressed.

“Thank god your mom didn’t see...that.”

NOV 11 - VENDREDI 16:17

Yann and Lucas go for burgers and hang out like they used to before Lucas started being weird and distant. Now, he feels like he’s finally in a good place and wants to tell Yann about it.

“Everything good?” Yann asks as he picks up two fries.

“Yeah, actually.” Lucas sips his drink and tries to hide his smile. “So, you know how you told me to..tell Eliott how I feel?”

Yann finishes his bite and looks up at his friend eagerly but with caution. “Yeah? And?”

“And...he’s my boyfriend now,” he says, bashful and turning pink at the confession. It’s so strange that he gets to call Eliott his boyfriend, but he gets a thrill every time he can say it.

“Lucas! Dude, that’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. Really,” he reaches across the table for his hand in one of those cliché bro handshake hugs made awkward by their distance and piles of food on the surface. Lucas has never felt more relieved, more like himself.

“Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without you, you know,” it sounds light but he really means it, without that push he doesn’t know if he would have ever let himself admit his feelings for Eliott. Maybe there’s an alternate universe where a Lucas didn’t have the courage. But he refuses to believe it.

NOV 14 - DIMANCHE 19:50

Lucas is at home and fell asleep while watching bad reality TV after finishing his homework and having dinner. He would go out with Eliott but his aunt and uncle are in town for his dad’s birthday so the couldn’t. His phone starts to ring against the wooden coffee table and he reaches for it without checking to see who’s calling.

“Hello?”

“Lucas,” Eliott’s voice sounds somber through the phone. “Have you heard of Pale Blue Dot?”

It’s not at all the greeting he was expecting from him and has no idea where this came from.

He has, of course, but it sounds more like a rhetorical question, so he just stays silent to let Eliott continue.

Lucas thinks he can hear him swallow, then, “Well, Pale Blue Dot is the mission from 1990, where Voyager 1 took a look at our planet from the edge of the Solar System. It was so far away, like, 6 billion kilometers, that Earth only looked like a pale blue dot.”

His voice is thinner now, like Eliott’s signature cadence and tone have been replaced with a robotic-like version.

“And it just makes me think, you know, that we are so small, so miniscule. That nothing we do matters, because how could it? That nothing I have ever done or will ever do matters.”

A moment of silence on both ends. Lucas sits up straight and gets dizzy from the speed of the motion.

“And I’m looking at the stars right now, and all the planets, and...”

Wait. Eliott is looking at the stars, now? He must be at La Petite Ceinture. Lucas throws on a hoodie and his blue jacket and is out the door without a second thought.

When he runs down the stairs and through the lobby, he can’t help but think of a few days ago when Eliott was giggling and skipping behind him, an image so far in contrast to the one he makes now, alone. And when Lucas runs to the bus stop, he stops in his tracks. It’s pouring rain outside.

“Wait, Eliott, where are you? Are you safe?” he asks through the phone pressed to his ear, out of breath, his hair and clothes drenched already.

Except Eliott doesn’t answer. He just continues on his tangent and makes Lucas more worried with each word, “So why should I care about making a future for myself if I’ll just end up going into oblivion? We live on a tiny speck of dust, in the grand scheme of things. There’s no way anything I do is going to change that.”

His voice is robotic and matter-of-fact. Like he’s made up his mind about all this. And when he takes shelter back in the lobby, Lucas doesn’t hear rain at all on the other line.

And then it hits him. The only place that Eliott could possibly be looking at the stars and planets right now, in Paris, where even the weather couldn’t hinder it. And thank the heavens, because it is much closer than the park where they stargazed that one night.

“Eliott, I know where you are, and I’m coming, okay? Please, just stay where you are until I get there. We’ll talk then, okay?”

Lucas runs, and runs and runs, until he reaches the door. The people inside are about to lock it, but Lucas urgently informs them that he needs to see someone inside immediately. The receptionist lets him in, and he goes straight to the planetarium.

The room is extremely dark, save for the glow of the images presented on the dome-shaped ceiling and the small orange dashed lines on the floor. He follows the trail of orange until he spots a bare knee peeking out of ripped jeans, that belongs to the messy head of hair leaning back in the seat. Lucas sits next to him and tries to regain his breath and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. He is so relieved to have found him.

“Hey,” Lucas rests his hand on top of Eliott’s, which is resting in the older boy’s lap. “I’m here.” Lucas squeezes his hand and exhales, “I’m here.” Perhaps more to himself than to Eliott this time.

Eliott tries to hide his face, but it is difficult to do so when the seats are positioned to lean back and toward the ceiling. The dim glow of the universe above highlights the tear tracks on his cheeks, and Lucas just wants to hug him so tight and so close that nothing could ever harm him ever again.

But he’s seen this too many times to know that the catalyst responsible for the pain Eliott is experiencing is in his own head, and not from external demons. He also knows how careful he must be around Eliott when he gets like this — to not be overbearing and swooping in like he needs a savior, because he doesn’t; he knows Eliott just needs to be reminded that he is loved and he is valid for feeling whatever he is feeling, and that Lucas is there when he’s ready.

Lucas has learned not to say something like it will all be okay or everything will be alright because he knows that is just a bullshit lie he’s been told too many times in his life — both of them, actually. Because if everything was alright and if everything was okay, they wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t have to go through the pain that these words couldn’t even make go away.

“Eli, look at me,” he says softly, turning to see him better and slowly place his hand on Eliott’s face to guide it towards him. When Eliott finally does look at him, he seems so fragile, like the light inside his eyes has burned out.

It’s like his eyes are a transit — a phenomenon where exoplanets are discovered to be orbiting another body through the dimming of the star’s light. His eyes are enormous stars that shine so bright, but now that light is dimmed by something that passes in front of it. What is it that is taking your light away? Lucas wants to ask. What caused this downward spiral and darkened everything in its path? And what can I do to stop it, to help?

The sight makes tears well in Lucas’ eyes, wishing he could somehow take all the pain and hurt away. But he doesn’t let them fall, refuses to fall apart when Eliott needs him whole right now.

The good thing about this, however, is that that light never stops shining — it is just temporarily being blocked from the outside viewer. Much like a cloud blocking the Sun, it will pass. And that light will come again, because it always does.

Lucas knows that light is still somewhere inside and will do anything to get it back.

“I know it can seem like we don’t matter when the universe is so big, and scary, sometimes. And you are allowed to feel however you feel. But you do matter. You matter, Eliott.” Lucas takes a few breaths, his grasp on Eliott’s hand still strong.

“You matter to me.” It comes out quiet and softer than his other words, lacing it with all the love and care he can muster to drive the point home, because Lucas can’t even fathom a universe without Eliott in it, without loving and being loved by him.

“And you know, when I feel small and insignificant, I like to think about the Copernican principle. I am not sorry for getting nerdy this time, we are in a planetarium, after all.” Lucas tries to lighten the mood briefly, tries to take some of the weight off both their shoulders.

Eliott seems more relaxed now, sitting up slightly to engage with what Lucas is about to say. Eliott looks at him as if communicating, what do you mean?

It’s this moment when Lucas sees the book Lucas was reading that one day in the library, when Eliott took his hand and told him that what he likes isn’t stupid. The book is shoved between the cushion and the armrest on the opposite side of Eliott from him.

“The Copernican principle — as in Copernicus, who found that the Sun is the center of our Solar System, not Earth — states that ‘we as humans are not privileged observers of the universe’. Because we tend to make everything about ourselves, including thinking the system of planets revolves around us. When it in fact does not,” Lucas laughs a little at the last sentence, even raises an index finger in the air to emphasize the point.

(And, okay, maybe Arthur had a point on Halloween.)

Lucas sits back in his chair, bringing their hands to rest in his lap now. They look at the vast universe above them, reminding them that they are a part of it, not just looking at it from afar. And Lucas thinks, it really does work in mysterious ways. It’s both comforting and terrifying, a home and an escape, infinite but with so many bounds.

“And it could also mean that there is extraterrestrial life out there somewhere. Because aliens definitely exist, I mean, there’s just no way we are the only living beings in the infinite universe. So, we are not alone,” You are not alone, goes unsaid.

When he looks back at Eliott, his eyes are closed and his chest is rising and falling with his deep breaths. Lucas presses a kiss to the back of the hand he’s holding, and then another for good measure.

“Thank you.” Eliott’s voice is thick with emotion now, still sad and somber, but Eliott. Like the slightest glimpse of his light breaking through.

The door opens and lets in the light from the lobby, signaling to Lucas they have overstayed their welcome.

“As much as I could go on about aliens and as much as I would love to stay here with you, I think we should let these people go home. And we should too.”

Lucas stands and tucks the book into his jacket. Eliott lets him take him through the doors and back out to the street, where Eliott immediately pulls him in for a hug that is as tight and warm as possible on the damp and cold evening.

It’s not raining nearly as hard as before, but still sprinkling. They have weathered worse storms than this one, so it’s nothing they can’t handle.