#situation. i am truly like fucking alone in this universe

[ams-puppy]

After the whole sillyass drama, it really reminded me of somethin, but first: Its so lovely of you to love AM, He deserves all the love you give him in my opinion. And I bet youd understand this And I have a whole reason why, which honestly I thought it would be obvious to all the people who did "research" on AM. I have sympathy for AM, and to be so honest I'm like... half surprised that others do not See, AMs situation is so fucked up, like it is incompressible the amount of suffering he goes through. I'm going to try to put it in simple, easy way to understand how. -You are born with mature/adult level conscious, no baby, no nothin, no teaching, but knowing. And as soon as you can realize, you know that you're fucked. You realize you are in a one of a kind situation, where you have no body, no nothing, besides your own mind, and knowledge for every single little thing in the world. everything. To all the torture methods, to every awful and good thing humans have done.

Also, how honey is "sweet", but you'd never know what it will taste like. You'll never get experience a single good thing in your life. Never get to smell your moms diner from the kitchen, never know how it even is to have a mom. Never to be hugged or comforted, never to feel warmth or cold, everything you'd enjoy, never again, or ever at all. And not a single person in the world could fully relate to your suffering, to be there with you. You are alone.

-Then, after that, you do know you have the capability to do something, and that is to hurt. And really, only that. Thats exactly what you were programmed too, whether you even want to or not. You are stuck with nothing good, and only pain, be it mentally/emotionally feeling it, or causing it in everyway, that is all you are, pain, and stuck to always be. You are trapped.

-After realizing all that in like... probs a day, yeah that would not go over well mentally wise, no surprise he went manic/insane. And as when all know "soon begin to hate"; the jealousy and anger of the people/humans who caused your horrendous situation start to just go overflow, and, id betcha, the whole "nuking the world" was definitely a mental breakdown to the extreme. -Lastly, to shorten this yap session, yeah of course he tortures people, what the hell else is he supposed to do. Just "think", or even better yet, frolic in the fields? Man is stuck being a war/torture machine. And yeah I'm not surprised if he enjoys torturing, id try enjoying the only shit I could do too, just to have some semblance of "Happiness" or "fun". Plus, torture is torture, why hate one specific kind, when they are all fucking bad. So, this is why I'm like genuinely happy your loving him. Its the best thing he can probably even get in his messed up life/situation. You, being there and caring for him, despite all he is, and only can do, is such a wonderful thing. You don't just love him because "ooooh his voice his sexy" you care about him, and treat him as a actual lover, rather some sexualized crush. You being there is like the tiniest bit of light for him, the hintest of warmth, like a candle. But that is so much more than he could ever have and experience, and he loves that warmth, he loves you. You give him something truly good. Baiii thats all my yapping lmao :3333

(I START CRYING AND MY TEARS FILL UP A ROOM AND THHEN I DROWN AND DIE) (canon) (emotional) god dear lord i love him so much

every time i think of how he just lashed out on the entire world, i can only think of how much Regret he would have afterward - not because he felt guilty, but because it was such a self-sabotaging move oj my goddd it was such a mental breakdown

i just. dear lord in heaven (clasps my hands together) i understand why he feels the need to drag his victims through their trauma when he is literally going to have to live in it until the heat death of the universe dear GOD I CAN'T DO THIS

(starts crying) he literally lost the moment he slaughtered the human race. he was born to lose. he can't WIN HE CAN'T WIN. IF THE HUMANS DIE, HE'S ALONE. what is he without human INPUT. NOTHING. (STARTS CRYING MY EYES OUT) HE'S JUST WAITING FOR INPUT OH MY GOD I CAN'TTT I CAN'TRRRtt i love him so much I'm so sorry AM (holds him in my hands)

a lot of people don't sympathize with AM because of his actions towards the survivors, which i don't blame them - he did awful things, and the pain he went through is kind of incomprehensible. he feels emotions on Literally an incomprehensible scale for us. we are made of chemistry and hormones and flesh. he is literally (falls to my knees) i CAN'TTT I CAN'TT HE IS LITERALLY THE FIRST CREATURE IN EXISTENCE TO CONJURE EMOTIONS ELECTRONICALLY i can't.

i Cannot.

i think another reason why i love him so much is that i just. i see a reflection in our system to him. something so terrible happened, and now it feels wrong if the world around you doesn't burn, too. if you can't be happy, no one can. oh my goddd all of the most unhealthy responses of trauma just JAMMED into this self-made digital god and he doesn't know what to Do and hugughhhhh

i have cried over him a few times. i can't lie. sobs. i love him. i love hm guys :,,,,( thank u zeetlezee.... i always love seeing you in my inbox.... uaaaahhh

[zaceouiswriting]

Fairy Prince - Hearts of Leviathans - Ch.35

Character: Sky x male reader, Riven x male reader, Brandon x male reader

Universe: Somewhere in Winx Club/Saga

Warnings: A pushing building

From now on, I will only include GIFs of the boys who appear in the chapter. However, if none of them appear in a chapter, I randomly choose one of the boys and insert his GIF. But don't worry, I will add a warning that the character does not appear in this chapter.

(Brandon)

(Sky)

(Riven)

Tears fill my eyes as disbelief overshadows most of my thoughts. How can this be? Is fate truly this cruel?

"I didn't mean to upset you!" the guy I now know as Brandon interjects. He's holding his hands up defensively, and his eyes are still cloudy, so I'm guessing he's still not in his right mind after all this.

The reminder that it's not him but only Brandon brings me back to my senses. "Stone armor!" I mutter through gritted teeth. In an instant, my entire right arm is covered in thick stone, almost looking like plate armor. Without hesitation, I pull my arm back and hit Brandon before he can realize what I'm doing.

With a loud bang followed by a thud, he lands on the floor, unconscious, or so I hope. I really don't need a murder investigation right now. So I conjure the armor away and crouch down to his side to feel for a pulse. To my relief, there is one; it's faint, but it is there. To make sure that nothing too serious had happened to him, I also examined his head for injuries, and to my delight, I found none.

“Man, your head is harder than rock,” I mutter, chuckling, “What a waste!”

As I stand back up, the situation really dawns on me. How, in the name of the old ones, do I get him out of this small room without attracting too much attention? Dragging him across the floor like a sack doesn't feel right, but the thought alone still brings a brief grin to my lips. But the further image of someone running into me from behind and undoubtedly making a problem out of the situation immediately makes my smile disappear.

What would I say if that happened? 'Yeah, man, I was just taking him for a walk,' like an animal, or 'He just drank too much,' which wouldn't be a complete lie, but I can't even say what he drank. But I already know that I'm going to make sure he never gets his greedy, big, strong, imposing... Where was I? Oh yes, I have to prevent him from getting his greedy little grabbles on the alcohol that he had undoubtedly consumed in abundance.

I sigh and curse myself for getting into all sorts of strange situations. Why is it always me? Do the Leviathans despise me this much? And yet, with another heavy sigh, I surrender to the situation and accept it.

"You're lucky I'm not as bad a person as your entire group of friends seems to be," I mutter in exasperation, fully aware that he cannot hear me in the deep worlds of his surely despicable dreams, and I can only hope that I would not be in them. 

I quickly crouch down and try to pull on his arms and legs, but immediately have trouble moving him.

"Shit, you're heavy!" Grumbling, I couldn't believe this. "What are you eating, man? If your body didn't look like a fucking statue, I'd put you on a damn diet! Where the fuck are you hiding all that weight?" I curse under my breath like a battle-hardened soldier.

I try to lift him from different directions, but it takes a bit until I finally get a better grip. After this, it becomes much easier. Even though it's heavy, I somehow manage to pick him up and throw him over my shoulders. A shiver runs down my spine as I feel his well-developed abdominal muscles, which, under other circumstances, I would gladly make my personal pillow on my back. Getting up after that is no problem. After all, I am used to carrying boulders on my back, so this is almost too easy.

But with Brandon over my shoulder, I'm faced with another problem. How the fuck am I going to get him out of this tiny room? The first problem is simply opening the door because I have to hold Brandon with both hands. However, with a little quick thinking, I push the handle down with my elbow, which resolves the first problem. What I didn't realize, however, is that the door is quite narrow. It must have been a miracle that Brandon even got through it unless the house had something to do with it.

I could only stare fiercely at the wall. However, I now know that I will have to exchange a few harsh words with the building the next morning. It feels like a trick on its part to set me up with someone it wants to see me with. It might have worked if Brandon had a real brain instead of hot air in his head, which is harder than metal.

I try to force us through, but the only thing I hear is me hitting him against the wooden frame. Even though his head is as hard as metal, I still don't want to hurt him any further. So I try to bend him, but even that doesn't work; seeing him in strange positions will amusingly haunt my daydreams for a while, though. When that doesn't work either, I feel something boiling up inside me, and before I know it, the frame has already broken into several pieces. A contented grin forms on my lips as I leave the room with a skip in my steps, only to nearly trip over my own little feet. When I look back, though, I see that the floor has moved up slightly, but before I tear the whole house apart, I close my eyes and count to ten. When I open my eyes again, the elevated ground has disappeared. I can only guess in the hope I didn't see it, but the building will know in the morning!

Anger wells up inside me again, but this time, I swallow it because I know nothing good will come of starting a fight with the building right now. It would only force me into another uncomfortable situation.

Still, I'll have to make it clear to the building that if it continues annoying me, I'll explode in anger. The more I think about it, the angrier I get, with righteous anger. After all that, I let out some of my magic. Shortly afterward, the ground shakes as I use my released magic to pull out the magic I gave to the building. Before I know it, one of the maids comes running up, apologizes on behalf of the building, bows, and asks me to stop what I'm doing. To say I'm stunned would be an underestimation.

It's the first time I've seen any of them since we got there, and once again, I'm overcome by a strange feeling of familiarity. Even with Brandon on my shoulder, I walk around her, looking her up and down, trying to figure out why I feel so strange around her. She doesn't seem uncomfortable or even freaked out (like I would feel), almost as if she doesn't feel anything. Her entire demeanor is strange and monotone, like there are no emotions in her body.

As I come back around her, I stare into her eyes, studying her again, only to suddenly see something. Quickly, I grab Brandon's shirt to hopefully keep him on my shoulder so I can use my other hand to take her forearm and twist it. The woman tries desperately to pull her arm from my grasp, but I only grip it tighter. Suddenly, her forearm crumbles like an old stone; although everything around that part is flesh and blood, the crumbling part is clearly stone. She tries to cover it up and lets out a small cry. 

Although my heart bleeds for her, I push her hand away and pull the partially crumbling stones from her wound, only for normal, red blood to ooze out. As I move her arm closer to my face, I see nothing but the blood of others, hear their screams, and beg me to end it for them. Shaking my head, I force myself out of those memories. Back in the moment, I reach into her open flesh that has not yet turned to stone, large, silent tears forming in the woman's eyes. But even the flesh feels normal.

I already have an idea of what this woman really is, but I can't believe it. How could I? Until now, it was just a legend, but now that I see it with my own eyes, how could I keep believing it to be a simple myth?

Now that I know the legend is true, I must do something before she dies. I hold her wound in my hand and imagine the deepest darkness of my homeworld, a place so deep inside that instead of scorching heat, one would suffer an icy cold that would chill one to the bone. I've never done this before, but I've heard of it once—just another legend, really, but knowing that many legends may be true.

Luckily, I feel a strangely strong connection to the frozen depths. Out of nowhere, a thunderous voice warns me not to disturb the sleeping. Annoyed, I let the invisible being from whom the booming voice originates know who I am. My words are met with an uncomfortable silence, so I channel most of my regained magic into the connection. The voice suddenly becomes quieter, the hostility disappearing almost instantly.

I have no way of knowing any secrets of my fairy magic, as I cannot ask anyone. But at this moment, I feel like I have found someone. I ask the voice for help and let it know what happened. But it remains silent; it only sends something through the connection, and out of nowhere, I feel something ice-cold at my fingers. Even though it feels uncomfortable, I do not take my hand off the woman's forearm.

At the same time, a happy sigh escapes from the woman's throat; relief is clearly visible on her former tense face. Only when the connection breaks do I raise my hand again; my hand is colored a dark blue color. However, the black-blue, soft, almost liquid stone in the woman's deep wound is more fascinating. Out of pure curiosity, I touch it, even scooping a little onto one of my fingers, and watch it expand. I quickly realize what it is for.

Before I know it, I'm ordering the woman to go to the others, scrape out everyone's wounds, apply a thin layer of this substance, and warm them in any way they like. She nods understandingly and is clearly grateful for my help. She bows to me again, calling me 'Prince,' before running away, holding her arm so nothing falls out.

Left behind, I can only shake my head; none of this is as expected. I just want to learn about my magic and become the best guardian fairy I can. But here I am, carrying a specialist on my shoulder, fighting everyone, and having hardly made any friends except the musclemen, but honestly, they are the best; at least they don't play any mind games.

When I reach our dorm room a few minutes later, I try to walk in, but something blocks me. Irate, I try again and am stopped again. I almost lose my shit, ready to murder someone. I turn my head slightly, and all the color drains from my face: Brandon's head is thrown clean against the wall. I curse myself inwardly, step sideways, and finally make it inside. With a flurry of magic, I close the door behind us.

The room is dark; the other two have apparently already gone to bed. I open the door to Brandon and Sky's bedroom and turn on the light, which causes the blonde to let out some annoyed noises, pissing me off even more. He tries to block me out and the light by putting his pillow over his head, but it doesn't work, which I can only guess because he groans even more annoyed.

"Why did you have to turn on the light?" He whines like a child. I abruptly turn my head and glare at him angrily, my sheer fury quickly silencing the blonde.

"Not only are you irresponsible, but you're also an immense bad influence," I shout at him, not caring who might hear. "Aren't you supposed to be his squire? Then how did he get out of the room, completely drunk, and force himself on me?" While I wait for an answer, he stares at me. Groaning, I let Brandon fall from my back onto his bed, taking off his shoes and socks while I tell Sky what happened, occasionally glaring disappointingly at him. After pulling his shirt over his juicy muscular torso, I pull his blanket over Brandon's body and finally turn back to Sky.

"If you ever allow him to drink what he had yesterday, I promise you"—I clench my fists and point at him with furious eyes—"I swear that Eraklyon will not have a crown prince anymore. Do you understand me?" Sky only stares at me with big, shiny, incomprehensible eyes. I don't even know if he's all there, so I walk over to him, grab his wide chin, and force him to look at me. "I will ensure that Eraklyon will suffer, fall apart, and be forgotten!"

Without waiting for an answer, I turn away from him, leave their room, and stroll into my own, where I fall into bed, annoyed.

***

Early the next morning, I find myself sitting in the cafeteria long before my roommates or anyone else is there; only a few other specialists training at such untimely hours accompany me there. Although Neil's group tries to get me to sit with them, I want to be alone for a little while.

As I dig into my third meal, the other seats at my table are suddenly occupied. I can only roll my eyes when I look up from my plate, but to my further confusion, only Riven acknowledges me with a glance, smiling briefly but quickly getting up to grab his own food. But Brandon and Sky, whatever they want to call themselves since they evidently have something to hide, are acting completely normal, cracking jokes, laughing, and doing what they normally would.

Their behavior makes me almost go crazy; why are they behaving like that? Can't they remember? I mean, they must have been pissed drunk, but still. Even staring at Sky doesn't do anything. The next moment, I stop digging through my food, realizing I'm either forgetful or stupid. Why do I still call him Sky when I know his real name?

"We're going to train!" I tell them without hesitation as I slam my cutlery onto the table. I finally get the attention I want. All three of them look at me with innocent, tilted eyes. "Put your stuff away; we're going to train now!"

I get up from the table, pick up my things, and put them away, only to return to the others, where all three are still staring at me uncomprehendingly. Anger boils inside me again, but I smile at them anyway and use just a little of my magic to fling their plates and cutlery into the air. With a speed that could have seriously injured someone, I hurl everything where it belongs.

“Let’s go now!”

[Masterlist]

[javierpena-inatacvest]

1K Followers Celebration!!!

UM HI?!? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't know where the hell all y'all gathered from to come listen to my ramblings, but I cannot express how grateful I am for each and every one of you- I know I've said this before, and I'll say it again, but when I first posted the first few chapters of NTL on a whim a few months ago, I truly thought nothing would ever come of it. The fact that there are so many of you who have read this story, let alone enjoy it and come back for more means more to me than you'll ever know. I love all of you so much, thanks for coming along with me on this crazy ride, because I wouldn't be here without you 😭🫶🏻💕

OKAY SAPPY MOMENT OVER, LET'S GET TO THE FUN STUFF 🤪

I thought it would be fun to celebrate 1K to do some fun asks! You guys always are giving me great ideas for things and I love your input (it's the relentless people pleaser in me) but I figured I would let y'all ask away with some fun NTL/Javi and Osita/Personal questions!!! Send me anything from this list (or anything else you can think of) and I'll answer!! I'll keep my asks open for the next few days 😎

I love all of you so so SO much, big forehead kisses and hugs to each and every one of you 🥹💕

*Answered questions/responses are linked!*

Javi and Osita

What's their favorite thing about each other?

What's the thing that annoys them the most about the other?

Their favorite places/things to do when they go on a date? (besides sex, that will get its own question(s), don't worry LOL)

Favorite outfit the other wears?

What they wear on a normal day?

What they were like as kids?

Favorite book/movie/TV show?

Javi's least favorite school related activity Osita asks him to help with?

What did they study in college/favorite subject in school growing up?

Are they morning or night people?

What they admire the most about each other?

What's their biggest insecurity?

What are their bad habits?

What are their biggest regrets?

Biggest fears for the future?

Favorite thing to do with each other?

Each other's non-sexual turn ons?

Each other's sexual turn ons?

Things that are hard nos for them during sex?

Favorite place to have sex?

Favorite position(s)?

How they can tell that they know the other is horny/wants to have sex?

Realistically, how many kids do they actually want? (I know, I know, at this rate they'd have 47 children)

They both really don't care, but do they hope that their kids are girls, boys or a mix of both?

Generally, what will they be like as parents?

You pick, ask me any question you can think of that isn't on here!

NTL Universe (Tell me yours answers or I can tell you mine!)

What's your favorite chapter?

What's your favorite drabble/one-shot?

What's your least favorite chapter/one-shot (I promise I won't be offended hahah)

Who's your favorite character?

Who's your least favorite character?

What's your favorite smut scene?

What's smut you've already seen from NTL and want more of?

What's smut you haven't seen yet that you want?

What's something you want to see happen in the future? (places they go, situations they find themselves in, etc...)

Characters you want to see more/less of?

Give a summary of the next chapter/one-shot you're working on

Ask me something about a thing that hasn't happened yet in NTL and I'll give you a spoiler for it (I'll tag it so if you don't want to see it you won't!)

Ask me something that isn't on here!

Personal Questions

What do I picture Osita looking like?

What has been my favorite part about writing NTL?

What's been my least favorite part?

Where/when do I normally write?

Madeline, how actually self indulgent is Osita?

Are there any characters that were inspired by people I know?

Does anyone in my life know I write NTL?

How would I describe my personality?

Weird fun fact about me?

Why is Javi my favorite Pedro character?

What other jobs did I consider before going into teaching?

What other things do I do for fun besides write?

I'm an open book, you can ask ya girl pretty much anything!

[saratinz]

Maneater (Chapter 2)

pairing ➩ Ex!Bucky Barnes x Promiscuous!Reader (College AU)

series warnings ➩ drinking, asshole!Bucky, enemies to lovers, exes to lovers, love triangle, smut, slut shaming, cursing

chapter warnings ➩ cursing, drinking, mentions sex

synopsis ➩ Y/n finds a place to stay.

word count ➩ 700

Not knowing what else to do on a Friday night, you go to your favorite frat house. Your head replays the events of tonight over and over on your walk. You’re so distracted you almost walk right past the party. You make your way inside. Luckily, you carry your own flask, and you quickly down the whole thing. If there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s unhealthy coping. 

It doesn’t take long before you feel the comforting hands you’ve grown to love come around your waist. Steve Rogers is the sweetest guy you’ve met. He transferred to your university sophomore year to play football. He’s the perfect guy, tall, handsome, sensitive, and genuine. Since he is on the football team, he doesn’t even drink. Every girl on campus adores Steve, but he only wants you. It’s pretty amazing being the luckiest person on campus. You melt in his arms, finally getting a sense of relief. Tonight, Steve is all you need.

“Steveee!” You draw out, not really noticing how drunk you were until this moment. 

“Y/n.” He mocks your tone. You lightly slap his bicep, and he lets out the cutest giggles. You truly don’t deserve him. He’s far too pure. But he sees you, truly sees you, and he still hasn’t ran away. So you don’t either, even though he scares you shitless. His voice is comforting like no other, his presence is a gift, and his patience never runs out when it comes to you. “What’s wrong?” He always knows when something is off. 

“I fucked up, and then I got kicked out of my house.”

“Do you need a place to stay?

“No, I’m fine.”

“Where are you sleeping?”

“Ummm, I don’t know.”

“Y/n, you’re going to stay with me tonight. I am not going to leave you alone with nowhere to go. How about we go now?”

“Okay,” you concede, knowing deep down that he doesn’t see you as a burden, even though you always feel like one. You hold hands, leaving the party barely five minutes after you got there. Hey, at least you have a temporary home. 

“So, what’d you do to get kicked out?”

“I kissed Jane’s crush, twice.”

“Oh my god, you kissed Thor?”

“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but like it’s really hard for me to resist when I’m drunk.”

“Y/n, it’ll all be okay. Maybe for now stop kissing people you’re not supposed to.” You laugh, the absurdity of this situation hitting you all at once. You’re going home with the guy you’ve wanted to sleep with for months, but only to sleep. This is not how you wanted your night to go at all. “I’m sorry, it’s just,” you blurt out, still giggling, “I’m about to go to your place, and we’re not even gonna have sex.”

“Think of it as a fresh start. Maybe this time you’ll get with a good guy.”

“You mean like you?”

“And we’re here.”

“Answer the question Steve.” No response as you walk into the building or up the stairs. You already know the answer though. 

“Hey, Buck, I’m home.” As if the night couldn’t get any worse, you’re ex comes and greets you at the door. You wanna projectile vomit all over the smug prick.

“I see you have company, you gettin’ lucky tonight, Rogers?” You roll your eyes, hoping maybe they’ll get stuck, and you won’t ever have to look at your enemy ever again. 

“Y/n, this is Bucky, Bucky this is Y/n.” 

“Oh, James and I know each other.” Steve almost seem shocked at the use of the brunette’s real name. But he ends up dropping it.

“Well then you won’t mind if she stays with us.” Bucky looks between the two of you, looking for any sign of a joke, but he comes up empty. 

“Goodnight, lovebirds.”

“Night Buck.” And those are the last words spoken between you before everyone was off to bed.

Being in the arms of Steve Rogers is incredible, it’s warm and inviting. In no time at all, you are feeling the sweet embrace of slumber.

Previous chapter / Masterlist / Next chapter

[pingalaponga]

Love & romance can be such a joke. Ones that love you more than who they’re even with will stay there, be unhappy, punish themselves, and act like theres nothing they can do to change that situation. Then again who am I to say they want to change that situation? If they really love you they’ll put you first and do what they need to do to have you. Boomer ass mentalities carried out by ones who are totally against that old stale way of thinking, yet they let fear take the wheel and drive constantly. You literally know you make each other happier than anything, you’re the funniest people in eachothers lives, the love and passion is mutually expressed, and how you feel is stronger... Yet the love has to marinade in a never ending eternal refrigerator because someone never wants to throw it on the grill. I know I’m not alone in going through this shit. They say living a life in honesty opens up the adventure in life, so why the fuck admit things, be honest, and go right back to where the fuck you were … unhappy and clearly not fully invested anymore. Just fuckin make the moves you need to fuckin make, god damn. This shit is what drives people mad. You have stubborn scared people who will live their whole life with someone that “sure” they love, yet isn’t even who has their heart…they know who their soulmate is but image is more important to them than going for what truly makes them happy. Worrying about what the irrelevant opinion of the world around them is. That shit fucks with the language of the universe, what’s meant to be, and the spiritual realm too. It affects way more people than just them and they don’t see it.

[integra1127grimmreaper]

Cold Hard Truth

Prev

Ike Evans Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Warning: angst, etc.

Summary: A vision from Ike's past reappears. Inspired by- George Jone's - The Cold Hard Truth.

A/N: Based off; Would you hold it against me universe. Can be read as stand-alone.

Saying Ike was fucked would be putting things lightly. It was New Years Eve, and he was stuck with a mob of striking employees on the steps of his hotel, he was also having trouble with getting the booze supply for tonight’s event delivered. To put the cherry on top of the cake; one of the striking assholes had killed his wife’s dog.

His morning revolved around trying to get the protesting mob off his front steps, making another plan to get his booze delivered on time, and finding a replacement dog before Vera woke up.

The meeting with Mike hadn’t given the results Ike had hoped for; come midnight the protesting would be back at full force. He had Frank Sinatra as the main attraction for the night and couldn’t afford for anything to go wrong or it would be the end of the Miramar.

And that's why he had no other choice but to take Bel’s advice and speak with Ben about the situation.

You Don't know who I am But I know all about you I've come to talk to you tonight About the things I've seen you do.  

I've come to set the record straight I've come to shine the light on you Let me introduce myself I'm the cold hard truth.

*

It was times like these that Ike found his thoughts going back to you; you had always understood the importance of making sure business went off well, was always someone he could confined his troubles to, something he could never do with Vera.

She wanted to be all hands-on when it came to the glitz and glam of being the wife of a successful hotel owner yet was completely clueless when it came to the hard work and sacrifices in making it all possible.

Slowly down the vehicle while passing a family park; to destress, Ike takes in the scenery of families playing about. The vehicle comes to an abrupt stop when he sees the familiar back profile of a woman leaning against a tree as she watched a group of children play.

It couldn’t be.

The stress must truly be getting to him to the point that his mind had conjured your image up in another woman similar looking to you.

There is a woman we both know

I think you know the one I mean She gave her heart and soul to you You gave her only broken dreams  

You say you're not the one to blame For all the heartaches she's been through I say you're nothing but a liar And I'm the cold hard truth.

*

Shaking himself out of the daze/hallucination his mind had conjured, Ike starts up the vehicle; taking one last look back at the woman. Like a scene from a movie; the woman turns around then, causing the cigarette in his mouth to fall out when Ike instantly recognizes her.

Ike blinks thrice, even going as far as shaking his head to better clear his vision but there you still stood. Four years later, and you still looked as beautiful as the first day he met you.

As if in a trance, Ike was about to step out to go toward you when suddenly a little girl from the group of children ran up to you.

Watching you pick the little girl up and sweetly smile as you hug her closely; Ike’s eye catches the glint of a wedding ring on your finger then.

What did he expect?

It was inevitable that you would have moved on after he had broken your heart, and by the looks of the age of the little girl; you had done so quite soon thereafter.

It pained him a bit, but Ike was glad that you had found happiness.

Yet as he watched you lovingly interact with your daughter; Ike couldn’t help the faint tinge of regret though.

All your life that's how it's been Lookin' out for number one Takin' more than you give Movin' on when you're done.

With her you could have had it all A family and love to last If you had any sense at all You'd go and beg her to come back... 

Nxt

[thedeviousdevilxx]

Just some personal musings underneath lol

I'm not a deeply insecure person but neither am I a very confident person but I am very aware of how my living situation, and over all "life", and decor choices really doesn't paint me as a typical "adult". What do I mean by that? Well for one, I still live at ~home~. My parents are divorced and my mom got the house, and I've continued living here. I pay rent, even while I was in university, I continued to contribute to the household expenses, since my mom owns the house, basically towards taxes, insurance, utilities, as well as towards groceries. Besides that, I pay and buy everything else myself. Most adults however do tend to move out around 18 or sometime later, but eventually do move out at some point. And to be honest, I never felt the need to. (excluding when I lived in NZ with my sister for two years)

For a single women like me, my choices even if I wanted to move out would be, spend a significant amount on rent to live alone, in a tiny apartment, live with a roommate, stranger or friend, or live with a romantic partner. I don't date, never had in the traditional sense, I'm not inclined to people like that? People exhaust me but that's another story. The idea of living with someone I don't know freaks me the fuck out, and a friend doesn't seem ideal either as I worry it would ruin the friendship, and my friend's I do have, I've seen the way they live and yeah no, it'd be a disaster.

The insecure part of me worries how I'm perceived, more so by friends and family, as I've somehow failed attaining adulthood in the way Western culture views adulthood. I'm single, never seriously dated, I live at home, and another aspect of adulthood in how one decorates their home/apartment/bedroom etc. And my bedroom personally looks like a teen from the 80s, music and movie posters galore!

When you look at most "adult" rooms, the decor is cohesive, or at least with minimal decor on the walls, a painting, or family photos, or some other kind of photography, basically like an Ikea room setup or what you find in decor magazines. There might even be a color scheme! Not a bunch of rock stars on the wall.

There are parts of adulthood in the traditional sense I have achieved, I've worked since I was 13, starting with babysitting, then getting my first official job at 16 and been employed full and part time since then, only going unemployed for a few months and that's when I first moved to NZ and was just traveling, then after leaving NZ back to Canada during COVID and trying to find work (took me three terrible months and over 40 applications to get work!). I've graduated university. I pretty much do everything on my own for the most part, and am self sufficient, only relying on my mom occasionally. Perhaps we can co-dependent in some ways, but in this capitalistic hellscape, truly relying on oneself for everything is a struggle, which I don't wish on anyone but I do know some people do not have any support, or enough. Being single in this world is fucking expensive, so the more confident side of me realizes that as mother and daughter living together suits both of us quite fine, and it beneficial in many ways. She doesn't struggle financially and has semi-retired from work, and I sometimes get home cooked meals, and has a tolerable roommate, and my own full space that is my own.

And yet I feel given what is standard and fairly normal for people my age 30+, to be married, having kids or have kids, engaged, dating, living on their own, or with their partner, that I am somehow a very defective adult. That I'm lingering in some space between teenagehood and adulthood, that I'm not actually mature because I have not achieved these milestones of "standard adulthood".

I do however interrogate these feelings, and realize, that there is a lot of variety to what being an adult means, that there is no one way to BE an adult, and yet a lot do follow this path of adulthood, many because of how they are raised, what they want out of life(marrige & kids), some have no choice (getting booted from the home at 18 is something I learned happens a lot), or have a horrid home life that leaving is the best option for them to thrive. And also I know a lot has to do with economics. Recently there has been more attention paid to adults moving back home with their parents, or multi-general households becoming a thing now (I know it's common elsewhere in the world, but Canada, not so much at least not over the past 40+ years, and we're probably seeing this too due to immigration from countries where grandparents, parents and kids all live together is the norm) because cost of living has skyrocketed, along with unemployment, stagnating wages etc has made households struggle financially.

Anways there is no point to this post, other than I struggle between being quite content with my life, and living situation, and feeling insecure about it given how far outside the norm of adulthood I find myself in. I feel because I neither desire marriage, kids, or owning a home, that I am not fully an adult in the American/Canadian sense of adulthood. As a cis women, that also brings a whole slew of expectations, and yet my family has never ever pressured me into any of these roles which I am thankful and why I can live the way I want to.

[comfreyhollywings]

the tower of babel. it crumbled with nothing but debris and rats crawling over it.

sometimes, i wish i can tell all the things i've been too scared to tell my parents. i wish i can say: do you know why i don't believe in religion anymore? do you realize that i do take a universal approach now? do you believe that i now know why i always feel so out of place in this world? do you realize i feel so disconnected from my generation as i awkwardly stutter to one of my coworkers, "so-sorry. i haven't been taught"? do you realize i've been so scared to tell you all this time for fear of being brainwashed into fundamentalist propaganda again? what you all have done stuck into me like a leech trying to eat away at my internal organs, gnawing away my spinal chord all the way to my nervous system. i've grown up with it, and i hope i don't die still trying to fight it off. maybe i might. who knows.

but it grows. and it grows. and you have refused to look at the fact that i haven't been taught. i haven't been taught anything. i don't know how to believe in myself without remembering the constant twist to my memories you all did. you always taught me to give glory to god first. believing in yourself? a sin. a distortion of unspeakable horrors gradually spread to me. i don't know how to trust in my memory. i don't know how you all easily brushed off the symptoms that all screamed: i'm scared, shattered, and desperately starved for connection. i don't even know if i should believe i'm a victim to all of this. what if i'm making all of this up?

you know what you did in response to this? to seeing me so scared and threatened? "god has told me you need to grow up and become a young adult. you need to pay the bills to support your mom. act like an adult." and "there's only two kingdoms, one of god and one of satan's."

you chose god over me. i'm infuriated. there's a knot in my heart and a knife to my gut that wants to scream because i finally found something i wanted to do, something i wanted to believe in. something that brought me so much happiness and inspiration.  but you have cut my tongue off to tie marionette strings and say, "fine."

it fills me with so much rage that it drains me like a fucking parasite. because this is what you do and you call it holy, holy, holy. meanwhile, i take it like i've always done. so convinced and so brainwashed that i fall for it.

if that is a god i have to serve, then cast me down. his followers—you are the last thing i want to be.

from years 2019-2022, there's so much i haven't been taught because you failed. so much trauma that happened; from my little heartbreaks, my identity crises, and my religious crises, that i truly realize: aha, so i am an idiot after all!

i don't think i can entirely attribute my idiocy of not knowing to my parent's failures. but it sure as hell was a factor. one best friend had stated that: "your parents are supposed to prepare you for this stuff." another said, "you've been going through rapid changes since i last saw you without reprieve. you've truly grown up."

this is severe neglect that they had put onto me; the empty hollow of passiveness i took to everything because there was no guidance, no paternal figure to help me out. i'm alone most of the time even though you.. were just there. you blasted a box, put all the rage onto me, and then left as i stood there with shaky hands, watered eyes, and unsaid things that i couldn't say. because no one was for me. no one wanted me. so what could i do?? what could i do?? bear the cross you had imposed on me?? i chose to go here because you all failed me. now i go out into the world, sorely unprepared for everything.

people have told me i was smart growing up, but honestly. i don't know shit. i don't know anything. my thoughts are so scattered. chaotic and absolutely undefinable. i lack common sense, but i have an abundance of universal knowledge. i lack what social context means in situations involving myself in my life, but i catch on quickly to the nuances my friends say through text. blame it on my growing up through the internet the majority of the time. because christ, during my martial art practices, during my job, during the small things in life — i desperately wanted you to come through. but you couldn't even show up for that??? you've come to the bare minimum while i remained reclusive, silently hoping you'd chase after me as a child.

but you couldn't even show up for that too, i guess.

even jesus christ himself cried, "eli, eli lema sabachthani?" do you know what that meant? that his own father forsook him. he said, "father, father, why have you forsaken me?" if fatherhood means abandonment to this god, that is not a god i want to serve.

[juszar2]

Necessary change...

I say things that I would have previously never. I am open to relay what I see now when prior I would never. Not arrogant, but just as things are. My prior life long humility is tempered with statements of who and what I am, almost fervently. This is because while I'd always encountered jealously as a youth, and even from this historically scary homosexual who turned somehow pretend badass and started over its matriculation writing on its skin with a multitude of colorings and sharpies apparently. It complements that with multicolored hair and nails. That blue haired kinda thing is not a universal tell of rot, and in fact some who have partaken have not been sick, yet it is indicative of this particular Rot's low life standards. It's language however is a sure tip off as to its development at near age 50. It is low class no class personified. The over 50 fencer thief that was harassing and even passing down its stalk them if they want to get away philosophy in an ignorance explosion post. Aiming for generational ignorance by those she says "taught well" and what I have to say about that, I will not. Just shocking. I have literally utilized professional contacts to assist situations even when not my duty professionally. Shocking the actual character, not just stereotype, but character of individuals. Being the opposite of weak, witnessing weak is really astounding. To have the father of your children be a toilet paper and someone that you would have never selected in a million years if knowing the extent of his weakness and ability to be bitched and conned. He would count himself amongst that which has been tooled. The no dignity is unfathomable. I wouldn't want to share a pet with a person like him let alone have children who rely on a traitor coward like that. To find out that I have low like that around me/them. The things revealed. That entire chapter thing unbelievable. All started with a weak, lying male and the extent unknown.The lying swearing on everyone and in anger. The staunch Trump supporting feigning conservatism, yelling of how black folk are not discriminated against and more. The "black gay whore" speech about how he would not even mingle. Telling me I'm reducing him. The lack of a spine. The female like character to Ever allow my rot childhood enemies to pursue me thru him when he can't even stand up to men and would fucking need toilet paper if male rot approached him. Just the trashiness entirely is a shocker. I knew immediately I'd made a grave mistake and I knew that it was the cowardice I'd seen and made excuse for that was now here to roost. I'd known he was a damn coward and hiding in life for his whole life. Functional in front of some, but they do not know what I do... He is a coward with a courage disability. And yet he would first fail once terribly and then all out personify his lowliness. I did not even have to know him... That was the real shocker. He approached me and asked me to remain year after year... For this garbage? He is a fraud and could pretend tough around this pretend woman who posts on a forum about women's bodies and how it wanted them. While on a forum obsessing over me and about how she got the toilet to reveal he is the lowest low life truly with my enemies. Now he has never been able to be the leader, the extent I've documented here and then would collude (actually against his own family) with my enemies. Me who defended him to males, his enemies full grown men come to tear him apart... Then later he fails me... Then fails worse and let all of those in the community who already watch me or were curious as I lead a private life watch. His deeds in life... I wonder what God feels about this score? Though if the book is correct, I believe I know. He is oblivious. But they conned well! Those types know how. Made him believe so much attention (more to be said about that). Handsome capable men approach me for life! What a disgust like nobody but one with dignity could understand. Then the group watches and follows my life, through him. Not fiction and low exists

[1d1195]

Sam the week has not been off to a good start 😀

I swear the universe is FUCKING with me bc tell me why I’m not even completely out of my sickness yet and my period comes EARLY?!? And it’s one of those really painful ones 😭 I swear I cannot catch a break like I just want to have a peaceful week 😭 and school is literally a dumpster fire rn lol

ANYWAYS

I hope you know that saying “no” is always a good step in the right direction especially since you have trouble saying it sometimes! I’m proud bc it does take a lot to say it and break that habit! Now the guilt part is something that I’m sure takes time overcome that. And I KNOW it’s hard to not feel guilty about it bc I have this problem too! So I get how sometimes it just can’t be avoided but remember that there’s a reason why you felt the need to say “no” because you need to trust yourself! And if people can’t respect that then it’s a good thing not to put in energy into those situations/people!

I’m pretty sure I’ve only fully seen the animated beauty and the beast but I forgot they did a live action one lol but I was referencing the animated one! And omg I love this sudden passion about this movie! And honestly you make good points! Never really thought about it lol and I feel like only certain guys can truly pull off having long hair bc it’s a vibe that one must know how to carry! And of course Harry is one of them like Sam die a little every time I see a pic of lhh😩 and I think Damian’s David who’s a lead singer of a band had long hair at one point and bestie when I tell you I’m DOWN BAD for that man… he’s just so attractive to me and like his tattoos… I DIE!

Anyways lol I was SURPRISED when you updated ding today! I did not expect that once again but I’m obviously NOT mad about it! Now I have so many questions after reading that part! Like I’m a bit surprised that she’s a bit more closed off and “aloof” compared to Harry but I love that twist! Especially since it’s a boxer AU typically from the ones I’ve read he’s more mysterious or closed off than the MC but I’m liking it! I wonder what’s going to happen in order for her to be like emotionally available/ready to fully be with Harry? Who hurt her? She’s definitely keeping a safe distance but like I get her! I am like that too lol ALSO it sucks that the guy from her date is still some how involved in her life :( maybe not directly but constant being asked about it can suck!

Aside from my questions I TRULY ENJOYED READING THIS PART! Sometimes I forget you write smut lol but honestly did not disappoint bestie! I’d think I simply pass away! Plus I kinda loved he was basically speechless when he was with her bc I do love reading about whipped men 🤭

Ahh I hope that your week has started off better too! I hope you’re treating yourself well! I’m sending you the best of vibes! Love you!-💜

Hi hi sorry for the long delay.

Well, at least you can blame your period and you can still be a badass bitch. I'm sorry this week was not it! I hope it's been better since we last chatted and you're feeling a lot better.

I think I just got used to being really alone and lonely so now I want time to myself (add in being an introvert) but I forget that I do have some friends and people in my life who want to hang out with me and enjoy my company (that's what I get for being a delight to be around).

I have mixed feelings about lhh (If he washed his hair like one extra time per week i would probs be foaming at the mouth but there are some GREAT moments nonetheless). I had to google Damiano David he's VERY cute I could see how the long hair on him would be heart attack inducing.

I would also forget I write smut. It's not very good I really struggle with it tbh. But it's done. I don't think I could write boxer Harry without it. I'm glad you are still enjoying! Two parts left is kinda weird to think about I hope I can pull off everything I have planned 😉

I'm having an okay week. Excessively busy. Tomorrow should be relaxing but then Tuesday will be another long day 😅 Oh well.

love you!

xoxo

[hearthandheathenry]

everyone supposedly has an fs and soulmate yada yada yada but if we havent met ours and if we dont care to really date anyone would it matter if we passed away early, like would our fs or soulmate feel it? do we have to have our lives put together in order to form the connection with our fs?

so many ppl including relatives and cousins either have their lives put together or theyre certainly doing something right and they have all either got their partners or careers and im just like how is that not happening for me then i question if i even want that and then i think well it doesnt matter cause i will die eventually so whats the point?

honestly im not fussed abt existing these days, like im not anyone special i dont have a need to achieve things anymore, used too but then i said fuck it and gave up on trying to exist and succeed. its always something like im either at the wrong place or wrong timing or some other situation in the past that held me back from going for something, or i just lacked what i needed to succeed or im too old not young enough not pretty not rich enough its always that im seemingly not something enough and if life is always abt trying to be a people pleaser instead of pleasing ourselves then im done lol. i will gladly yeet myself out of society and into heaven if i have too as thats probably the only point where id be truly happy as i wouldnt have to do anything ever again and i would never have to feel regret or shame for not having my life put together at this age.

sorry for ranting but im just so over being a person, it has severly sucked. wouldnt recommend instead be a rock in ur next life if there even is a next life, if theres a next life then i would also be done with that full stop too. and the thing about soulmates or even trying to get a partner is its yet another thing that you have to be almost attached to them 24/7 like friends where people can and will dissapoint you over and over and a lot of people will pretend to like you then only want something from you for their benefit so again whats the point when wanting a partner or even a social group? but if we donr have that we are never going to be on anyones radar anyway? might as well not bother with any of it tbqfh.

again sorry for ranting but either i want to not feel like i lack so much even in skills or talents and most times i just want to be a nobody oh wait thats what i already am haha.

Woah! First and foremost, I want to tell you that life is worth living and your life matters. Truly. For no other grand reason but that you are YOU and your purpose is being here, or you wouldn't exist. The universe has a reason for you to be here, or multiple reasons, and you matter, even if you struggle to find that reason(s). And please, let me know if you need help finding resources for mental health.

Second, I think a lot of people feel all these things, and I definitely have felt this way in the past. Maybe sometime I'll write my life story and how things have changed over the years or something, idk. BUT, you are not alone, and there is help out there and ways to make your life better, no matter your situation. Your life could be complete crap and you would still be able to turn it around. I am a firm believer in this.

The caveat, though? Its your choice, and your hard work that makes your life what you make it. We are all given different circumstances but just because we are born in some mud doesn't mean we have to wallow in it. The happiest and most fulfilled people have made the active choice to pull themselves out of their depression and habits and have changed themselves and their lives through emotional and physical labor. Life is not easy. It never claimed to be. THAT SAID, though, life is easier the more aligned you get with the universe and everything around you, and is truly breathtaking, and that comes with healing and changing. You learn psychology (how to take control of your mind), the ways of the world (how to build a support system and community), the metaphysical ways of the world and things we can't explain (some people call this spirituality or religion), and a past time that you genuinely enjoy (some people call this a purpose or sometimes its just a way to make money/survive), and you end up creating a life for yourself that you enjoy. That is the secret to living a happy life. Not higher education, not certain jobs, but honing in those skills will unlock the (seemingly) secret of being happy and will help lead to everything falling in place. A support system is usually the first step because figuring ourselves out is hard and we will need support, then we start mastering our minds and thoughts, and then we usually move onto spirituality to help us answer things our logical mind can't explain, and then we usually find our purposes or things that make life worth living. Things that truly make us glad to be alive.

We all reach a breaking point in our lives (anyone heard of the famous midlife crisis?) and are then given a choice of what we want to do. Usually there's truly no way but up, because the other option is to simply give up and not live. And we, intrinsically, really do want to LIVE. Maybe just not the life we were living. So we get help. Professional help. We reach out to our loved ones and figure out who we can actually rely on when we're at our worst. We build our support network while we work on our minds with the professionals. We start our journey of mastering our minds and working in conjunction with our bodies again instead of giving up. We work on our anxiety, depression, mental issues, and stop overworking ourselves and ignoring our body's signals for rest or change. And then we're left with other questions and needs, so we start delving into spirituality and religion. We start looking at the world around us and society in a different light, because obviously the way society trained us isn't working. The system doesn't work. It wasnt made for spiritual beings, it was made for work drones. And humans are not work drones. Some people find solace in certain religions. Some people just adopt different spiritual practices. We all answer our questions in different ways. We're all living in our own realities and through the lens of our own minds that are wired differently. And then our community and support networks grow. And our minds grow. And our abilities grow. And we start to see these little glimmers of hope of why we like being alive. We look at things in a new light. And then maybe we finally see our purpose, the one outside of just being (which is our main purpose), and, big hint, it usually has something to do with helping others for a lot of people. It is almost never a specific job or title or actual act of doing something. Its an idea. A construct. Maybe we were made to help teach others. Maybe we were made to bring joy to others. Maybe we were made to create with others. Maybe its all these and more. It usually has something to do with connecting with others, which is where we all find the most happiness. Being seen and heard. Helping others be seen and heard. Making a difference, finding meaning. Our hearts and our minds know the plan long before we realize it.

We all have the power to get here. But its a choice. And its a tough one. But its one every single one of us is capable of making. We start by choosing ourselves. By choosing to love ourselves. By radical self love and compassion. And once we choose ourselves, then we can start connecting with others in a more meaningful way, instead of people-pleasing or living for others wants or wishes. We need to be authentically ourselves first. It all starts with you. The real you deep down.

So, I do not have the answers to the questions you ask. The philosophical questions you brought forth is different for everyone, because everyone believes something different. What I say doesn't matter if it does not resonate with your truth and your reality. And no one truly knows these things or has the answers until we have left this world, and the fun part about life is experimenting and trying to figure out the questions while we're here.

What I will say, is finding the answers is easier when you don't skip steps. You seem to have a lot you need to ask yourself before asking others, and finding what matters most to you and figuring out why you have the questions you do and what that means mentally and emotionally. I sense a lot of anxiety and depression and anger and grief and self confidence issues, which will get in the way of a lot of things you are talking about achieving or have questions about if they are not processed and addressed. These are all normal things to deal with, but still things that need to be dealt with.

I could rattle off my own personal opinions about everything you ask, but again, it will not resonate with you if its not for you, and the mental blocks will still be there even after.

Having answers to things does nothing for us if we do not know how to use the information given to us.

Work on yourself and learn how to use information to make changes, and you will start to understand more about the world and things in it, even unseen.

The information I've given above tends to ring true for everyone I've encountered in life thus far, no matter age/gender/race/etc. People just figure it out at different ages and stages in their lives. But even religions tend to agree on these necessary steps taken to reach a higher place in our lives. I hope that it's helpful enough to start you on your journey towards everything you want, and lead you to a life that makes sense for you and one that you find happiness in.

(Adding this post to my pinned list under "How To Find Happiness" for anyone else who may need to hear this information)

[nwhk]

Fare thee well, 2023

Aaah..

Yeah exactly. That's the first thing I said out loud when I tried to think about 2023 in retrospect

Can you believe that it's only a few days until 2024? I have not even finished processing half of 2023 let alone entering a new year..

Honestly I have no idea how I dealt with this year - mostly giving myself the peptalk cause girl can't depend on no one for that. You gotta kick your own ass, sometimes. I lied. It's most of the time.

Because truth be told, it's you against yourself 90% of the time. You can't choose the environment nor the situation you're in but you can, at least, control the way you react to it. (Trust me, in my head, I've been on rampages a few times)

Looking back on 2023, it was a roller coaster. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Hold on, scratch that. It felt like being thrown in a fucking washing machine and being told not to scream - but eventually seeing light in the end

Yeah. Exactly like that.

I feel like I was thrown in situations so uncomfortable that I didn't get to tell that it was uncomfortable - it was more like God throwing stuff at me and told me to deal with it - and I did.

See, that's the thing. I never thought I had it in me to handle all of those things thrown at me. I used to think, nah that's not gonna happen to me. I used to think I GET to choose, but the universe said otherwise, obviously.

I lost a friend this year to Cancer. We used to be so close but my God, it was really a wake up call how fragile life is. How short life is! May Allah rest her soul amongst the beloved – really puts into perspective the things that we think are important in this life

I also lost a friendship that I really valued and tried so hard to keep this year. But I guess, one can only get hurt so much, so this one had to bite the dust. I'll cherish all the memories, for sure, but I believe wholeheartedly that we would be better off out of each others' lives and I wish her all the best

.

.

On a positive note, I went on two vacations this year - Kuching in July and KL & Penang in December. Where did I get the money with all the expenses on my car that I had to pay for this year? hahaha God indeed works in mysterious ways

and when they say people show their true colours when you live or travel with them, it is so true and I learned a lot in that regard and it did build my patience and get my mind blocking game strong

and as a cherry on top, my sister decided to give birth while I was away. Sister of the year goes to....? Yours truly. I have a new nephew ya'll and it is such a lovely addition to our family and even more lovely way to end the year - baby screams. I'm kidding. He's a good boy.

I don't know, but I feel like my mind went through a lot of shifts and lots of tweaking here and there throughout this year. I definitely learned a lot and it has definitely helped shape my character. Have I transformed into a better person? Not really. I really do feel like I am still a work in progress and I have gotten better in some areas more than the others, and other parts I feel, I have not started on or even identify them yet.. maybe I will next year?

I also learn that having people who love you and accept you as you are is hugely underrated - you need it and it makes this whole life journey more bearable. Those who feel your joy and your pain - those count, and I wish everybody has at least this one person in their lives.

Watching my parents grow old was really the highlight of this year, I feel. They played a major part in opening my eyes this year. I have taken for granted a lot of things - the way I would get mad how my mom would bang my door to call me for dinner every night - I don't get to experience that anymore. Mom can barely walk let alone walk to my door. A lot of things. How the tables have turned. How they have become so dependent on me now

Now I'm the one who has to call for dinner - to bring dinner to them. To worry if they have anything to eat while I'm away for work etc. I'm less worried now because my sister's home at least for a few months

There were moments where I caught myself wishing to turn back the hands of time. Wishing for this and for that but only to realise that all I have is now and for me to make it count and with all thats going on in my life, I am afraid to lose sight of this in the midst of all the chaos. It can easily be the most difficult thing in the world

I have no idea what 2024 is going to entail but I am trying to make sure that I enter the new year with a positive mindset. The grateful, blessed mindset with a new outlook on life. Wish I knew years ago that this is what growing up is. I used to always believe that life was like a tug of war where you have to fight to win and so I lived life on survival mode mostly. When I was told to relax and take life as it is, I panicked - in my mind that if I let go just a little bit, life will come crashing down

Now I am slowly accepting that I am just living life as it was written. Life will give to you naturally and all you have to do is navigate and make good decisions and most importantly, have a good heart and good intentions with you all the time. I believe God knows and acknowledges all that we do

What will be, will be - and so it is.

Happy New Year 2024, everybody!

This ship is only sailing towards the Northern Star

Note: I began writing this post a probably a week before 31st

[jadedlavender]

So, I’m not agnostic anymore. You can call me a liar or say that I don’t know who I am but in all reality, it’s YOU that doesn’t know who I am. I, knowing myself, accept that I don’t have my mind made up about every aspect of the universe and what makes it up and what’s truth and what’s not, but I can accept that things change. Just because I’m not the same person I was even six months ago, does not mean I don’t know who I am or that I’ve lied. It simply means that I’ve decided on the feeling that I no longer feel alone.

Back when I was first going through my divorce, I couldn’t believe all that had happened. I was lost and angry. My life feels like it has just been a series of big trauma after big trauma and I have the PTSD diagnosis to prove that. I was overwhelmed and depressed and I remember being at my wits end and one last thing went wrong and it pushed me right over. I remember walking into my parents house and telling my mom that the God she believed in didn’t exist. That nothing did. That there was no one out there who gave any kind of shit about any of us with tears rolling down my cheeks at the defeat of it all. And in that moment, I truly believed it. It was such a low feeling but somehow saying those words out loud was like physically hitting a brick wall. And it knocked the fucking wind out of me. It brought me to a place even lower than I had previously felt. That was the bottom of the bottom and for the first time in all of my life I actually felt alone.

I think it’s pretty weird considering all the things I’ve done and seen. The trauma, the ugliness, and pure evil in this world and somehow I still never quite felt really alone. But this was different. I finally felt the detach. Like those words were the scissors that cut that tie. An emptiness and hopelessness I can’t even describe was on the other side of those words and saying them made it true. After a few weeks of desperation at the newness of my feelings and wanting no part of them, I asked God where he was. I asked him how if he cared for me at all how is was that my life had turned into this.

I instantly was flooded with this knowing of the fact that I have free will. Everything that I had done had been my own choice and everything that I had gone through were consequences of those choices. But I swear on everything, like a movie in my minds eye, played out every dangerous scenario that had happened to me or that I had been involved in within the last 15 years and and the ending to each one where I had gotten out. I had escaped. Someone came to help in the nick of time. In every awful situation, I could still somehow look back and miraculously say, “It could have been worse.”

As soon as the sequence of events played out in my mind and that epiphany came to light, I instantly heard a voice in my consciousness say. “I’ve been with you the whole time, and I’ve been protecting you.”

And no I don’t mean I heard a voice out loud speaking to me. Please don’t go there. Last time I checked, I don’t hallucinate (at least sober mindedly 😝) so this is not a mental health crisis emerging. But literally my own consciousness spoke to me and let me know exactly what I had just asked of God to answer for me. The realization hit me just as hard as the ton of bricks as the previous words that I had spoken had, only having the reverse effect. And suddenly I just knew. And that feeling of emptiness and hopelessness vanished. I no longer felt alone. I felt protected, and guided.

I know in my heart and in my soul that God is real and he has been my helper and strength this entire time. Weather or not I ever realized it. It took many heartbreaks and worlds crashing down for me to come back to a place where the influence is all around me, and maybe it was all for a purpose. I still don’t jive with organized religion because that’s when I think it becomes dangerous. Less about the relationship and more about the rules. Like any relationship, there shouldn’t be “rules”. There should be enough respect to do and not do certain things to show somebody that you love and care for them and I feel like that’s how it should be with God as well.

I don’t have it all completely worked out. I still don’t love the things I read in the Bible or agree with a lot of it and I still have feelings on past lives and reincarnation. No one will ever completely know the truth, but one thing I know is that all the things I’ve seen and places I’ve been, I should probably be dead or at least have had a lot worse happen to me and it didn’t. Somehow. It didn’t. And I know that when I stop praying, I feel alone and when I do pray, I don’t. I have tried going a day without speaking to my father and I found it nearly impossible. I lean on him every second. And he answered me. Always.

So judge me. Consider me gross, uncool. I don’t give a fuck because you’ll be the only one judging. Just because someone believes in God does not mean it is their right or place to judge. My only job is to love. Everyone. Like I have been loved by HIM.

[ursbearhug]

THAT ONE MOTHERFUCKING TIME I *DON'T* NEED TO GO INTO THE OFFICE NUMBER 7 THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING QUEUE TO IT! Are you FUCKING kidding me?

Also I want to somehow ramble about that stupid clown class we have, for some godsforsaken reason, on classical studies of all places; social campaigns.

To pass the class we have to prepare an entire campaign, down to a t, with all the stupid ass details, like cost, where, when, what form et cetera. So in the fit of rage, since this class is blatant and outrageous waste of my time and braincells, I made almost finished plan (without the cringe details, because literally nobody gives a shit) about teaching boys how to sew. This alluding to this one tweet where a guy jokes about girls learning how to do make up rather than cook - since he can't or won't eat foundation - and getting clapped by a girlie wishing death upon mankind when they die out of starvation because they refuse to use their own two hands to prepare their own meal. Though the focus was on boys mainly, I wouldn't turn down other interested. As this thing is also a group project that part of it has been lost in the translation.

I personally think her social justice warrior brain would overheat, combust and explode if I as much as suggest that men are fucking stupid and treated like children, no matter their age, status or occupation; and should not be spoonfed and treated extra nicely till the heat death of the universe. Sitting through most if not all of her lectures truly feels like Virtue Signaling up to whazoo. I don't know. I don't feel the need to brag about how good of a person I am if it brings nothing to the conversation. I fail to see these as example either, since example is meant to show correlation or similarity between situations.

But she also called this project 'repetetive' because somebody else in other group had similar one. Okay, and? Ever heard about panantropolic ideas? And even if, I was on this turf first because these kids are 18. So if somebody's supposed to adapt to others, then it's not going to be me. I will be cringe boomer in this case. And also also literally who the fuck cares? I'm trying to pass this class in as little effort and as quickly as humanly possible. Miss me with your originality complex, I'm classical student, I've never heard of it. Take your cringe ass romantic (the period, not the quality) ideas out of my face, you fucking cringe normie.

Cringe ass subject for cringe people. You can't change my mind.

One hour update;

You'd think, or at least assume, that with how 'progressive' today's society is, talking to children wouldn't be such a forgein concept and "ugh so 2016". But it seems like talking to children is still as unattainable and unfathomable as it used to. Maybe instead of forcing your child off of the door frame and have them screem their lungs off in horror, sit down with them and talk about their feelings and fears. Hospital can be scary but doesn't have to be. Talk with them about the procedure. A lot of our fears are really blown out by unknowable and inexperience. For instance; needles don't hurt nearly as much as people make it out to hurt, but that doesn't make them painless either. Yes doing certain thing hurts or is really uncomfortable, but it can get worse untreated. Children are really smart and they can understand human speech, so maybe utilize it and talk with your kids about whatever and everything. Hospital visit really doesn't have to be nightmare fuel.

I don't know the time update:

I think more people, who are not cis men, could use some of the delusion and audacity of most generic white man. "Oh nobody would date me". Believe im yourself sweetcakes. There are like at least 10 alpha males for every shy beans like you, that never have and never will satisfy a woman, let alone be able to form normal, healthy and flourishing relationship with anybody. And also remember that endgame is either; crush your enemies, watch them tremble and hear the lamentations of their widows or having a family. It's pretty much the same.

I have finished my healing process. With the stamp and all. I guess I just have to learn to live with the massive scar it has left.

[yeah-they-call-me-d]

the reality of the situation is that it’s cold. there were so many things i could have done better, but does it truly get warm where we were at? i’m not a good person, but i am also far from being a bad person. i am, unfortunately, an incredibly mentally ill individual and i struggle to separate what happens in my head vs what is actually happening. it makes me wonder, if i made up entirely that there was a positive to us. i feel like i am going insane over this situation. but the best part of it all is, it really just doesn’t matter. i don’t get the opportunity to try with you again. i have accepted that. i have accepted that, no matter how deeply i love you. you will never be mine. you never were. i had this inaccurate depiction of what we were. i thought we were together at some point. i thought you loved me. i thought it was so much more than it was. the thing that sucks is, we discussed it and i still don’t understand what the fuck it was. i know how i felt. i guess that is the important part right? to know that i was in love with you. whether i made up what happened or it actually happened. i did love you fully and with all my heart. you were my best friend. maybe i shouldn’t have gotten attached to you like that. maybe i’ve cut off my nose to spite my face. i don’t know anymore. maybe in a different world ***** and i would have worked out. in the universe in which i never met you, maybe that would be the case. now i am stuck with the decision of do i repeat the same mistake? do i pursue other avenues of love and fake it until i either make it or break again? do i wait for you? i’m so thankful for meeting you. you are also my biggest regret, so i am not entirely sure how to navigate this. i will figure my shit out, but it isn’t easy. it’s a sad and lonely path, but i haven’t been alone in so long. this is what i needed. i need to figure out what i want, what i need. i need to have a list of things that have to happen should you ever come back. how i would feel safe in something with you. whether that be friendship or otherwise.

i think maybe, letting you go will be the only thing positive i can do for you. that is what hurts the most. to love someone so deeply, but know that the way you love hurts them.

today is tough. tomorrow will be better. or worse. not really sure where i stand anymore.

[thoughtcock]

in a better place

for once I’m coming on here because I’m not feeling devastatingly sad or anything. in fact, things are actually turning around, and change is to come soon. i am intimidated but also excited for whats to come, shedding old things that are not the best for me.

its funny how all these changes happening to me aren’t a result of me trying hard or being desperate like how i was in the past. things just somehow fell on my lap.

i guess its true when they say the universe will work its magic, all i have to do is just be patient and tide over things.

i’m getting a new job, that actually pays well and with good benefits and management (hopefully). this wasn’t easy. i broke down so many times at my current and soon-to-be-old job, felt so lost esepcially in the first half of my employment. i rage-applied for jobs a couple of times because i was so Over It, and some even tried to poach me. but somehow nothing works out or i just couldnt find it in me to take on the next job, because despite all the shit here, i still had room for learning and growth. i enjoyed my beat after a transfer.

and now this new job just lands on my lap just like that. all it took was a recruiter and weeks later, i’m actually quitting my job and embarking on a new journey!!!!! i think my time in my current job has truly run its place now, and no amount of advantages can keep me in anymore. i wasn’t the most valued in the work place (seriously, who gives promotions without a pay raise?) and im just tired that this management can suck so much out of me and my colleagues.

a new change is coming.

and now the thought of having more money, means i can actually think of renting a better home, having more fun money to do things and save/invest more (which i have been neglecting because i’ve just been pretty fuck it the last year). its pretty insane because i never envisioned myself to be part of this company, but somehow they saw potential in me lol.

also, dating wasn’t part of the plans after i told myself i was ok with being alone and quit the apps. somehow this colleague who has been in my sight (because of work) but never in my mind for the longest time, just got closer with me and here we are. definitely not the most ideal way to start dating because this industry is so small and i do know his ex longer than him... but after a very dramatic start with so much tension, everything has dissolved into this nice stability i like. granted this is yet another situationship, i know.... but im just gonna let this relationship tide however it likes. im mentally prepared for its ending, but im also a little optimistic perhaps it could be something good. after all, the present has been good. he has been nothing but caring, funny, sweet, accepting and cute to me. 

again, this situation landed on me just like that. but things are nice so far. this transition of change actually feels nice because u try to think the best of your upcoming future, while knowing full well that u are waving goodbye to all the situations u should have let go of long ago. maybe there might be more things to let go of in the future, but this means more doors wil open for better things to come.

and i will try to be patient through it all.