#sith LITE i should say

[interdimensionalhellscapeportal]

Obviously this sketch is from an AU where he grew up with regular dental care and also the ability to smile without Vibes of Impending Doom

[sepublic]

Starkiller Base was unnecessary

           Re-watching The Force Awakens, and… It’s occurred to me that, even more than I initially thought, Starkiller Base is a genuinely useless, pointless part of the plot that’s just shoehorned in for the sake of arbitrarily raising the stakes, in a blind attempt to redo the Original Trilogy while one-upping it at the same time; Taking pot shots at the original Death Star’s ‘absurdity’ to try to make Starkiller Base’s destruction feel more ‘involved’ and ‘sensible’ with having an inside job to sabotage and blow up key components, yadda-yadda; Almost feels like the writers are punching down at the Original Trilogy in a vain attempt to look more clever and ‘self-aware’, without considering how reckless power-scaling doesn’t work (Which we see once more and somehow even worse in The Rise of Skywalker).

           The thing about why the Death Star works is like… It’s relevant. It has build-up. We’re introduced to it from the start, the entire story revolves around destroying it; R2-D2 is important because he has plans to the Death Star, Vader is seen chasing Leia because she had those plans. It all comes around to and circles back to the Death Star, we have a sense of what it is from the start, there’s build-up. You NEED the planet-killing machine for the climax of A New Hope, because the only reason to go there is because, surprise- The Death Star IS there, it just arrived right besides Yavin IV!

           But Starkiller Base… When you watch the movie, it just pops in out of nowhere, amidst the pre-established plot threads. Without any prior context or build-up, we’re just suddenly treated to a shot of this huge, mechanized planet, and then Hux almost casually drops that the ‘superweapon’ is ready, and then suddenly it’s firing and blows up the Hosnian System. The Death Star is justifiable because it’s the first of its kind, Starkiller Base is the third. In canon and Legends, there’s a lot of side-material going into the sheer enormity and horror of the Death Star, the amount of manpower it takes to construct such a thing, its formation is treated with gravitas; And yet something WAY bigger and more advanced comes out of nowhere, from a group even less powerful than the Empire?!

           Again, you need the Death Star, it’s why the rebels are being chased, it’s why Leia was captured, it’s why R2-D2 meets Luke and then Obi-Wan, bringing up the Rebel journey; It’s why Luke’s aunt and uncle die, it’s why there’s no Alderaan and instead the Death Star itself to capture the protagonists when they arrive there. But Starkiller Base is pointless- The plot is about BB-8 because he has the map to Luke Skywalker, it’s about finding Luke through BB-8. Starkiller Base is just so casually dropped for something that should be so much bigger than the Death Star in the narrative… And likewise, we don’t need it for anything.

           Is it to prove to Finn that the First Order is dangerous, that he can’t just ignore its destruction? The thing is, he already has Rey’s capture to motivate his participation. Starkiller Base could not fire, but Finn would still help the Resistance infiltrate, because Rey would still be captured. It’s not needed for Poe and the Resistance to arrive on Takodana, because they came for BB-8 after getting that message, the Hosnian Cataclysm totally unrelated. You could argue it gives the Resistance an excuse to fight back against the First Order in the film’s climax… But that does not justify creating another superweapon, much less one as implausible and redundant as Starkiller Base.

           Like, maybe the writers wanted to REALLY return to the status quo, so having the New Republic be devastated was a requirement… But was it really? Just have the New Republic continue to be ineffectual, it’s even a plot-point in side material that its military is embarrassingly small; So just say the Resistance IS the full extent of that military! You still get an underdog situation. And again, if you really want to forcibly cut off any support for the Resistance… You don’t need a giant superweapon to one-up the Death Star. Just have the First Order demonstrate its traditional military power, by having a fleet invade the New Republic’s capital, unexpected, able to waltz in because everyone is so incompetently lax about these rising fascists; And with recent real-life events, it only makes more disturbing sense.

          Instead of getting a pointless superweapon, have a bunch of Star Destroyers attack Hosnian Prime and take it over, show a montage of destruction and civilian death, etc. This still establishes the danger of the First Order and how it’s quickly decapitated the New Republic and left it in shambles, setting the stage for the underdog conflict; But you don’t have to rely on something as absurdly over-the-top as Starkiller Base, which has no build-up to its unprecedented firepower besides “Oh yeah this exists” and then watching it fire and finding out firsthand.

          The death of trillions with the Hosnian System is senseless violence both in-universe and from a narrative, writing perspective… And again, this arguably establishes the First Order as a threat better, because they don’t need to rely on a superweapon; And even after The Force Awakens ends, the audience still knows that they have access to an entire fleet… Whereas with Starkiller Base, that threat is lost by the end of the film and thus made redundant. The scene could become even more disturbing if we straight-up see some civilians on Hosnian Prime welcome the First Order, adding additional world building that helps explain why the First Order was able to develop, how it got support- And again, being topical to what happens today. It connects with canon lore about the First Order’s supporters in other worlds (such as Coruscant), and could even be a callback to liberty dying with thunderous applause in Revenge of the Sith! We could still have the people on Takodana react in horror, through the Holonet’s broadcasting of the coup.

           Of course, this is Star Wars- And what’s more iconic than thrilling space battles and trench runs? Sometimes you want sci-fi fun and stuff for the sake of it, nothing wrong with that, that’s always important too… But again, you don’t need a giant super-laser to have that. Just make up something else; Like Starkiller Base is the planet that the First Order has taken over. Perhaps they intend to launch a bunch of new Star Destroyers, or are about to finish production of a whole new batch, which would make things even worse. Instead of destroying a superweapon, you could have the Resistance crippling the factories that finish these Star Destroyers- There’s your trench run! Have them blow up a power plant that’s running the factories, instead of a thermal oscillator. There’s still a victory at the end, and while the threat is far from over, time has been bought- And it makes the First Order’s immediate retaliation in the next film more sensible, adds to the idea that every second, every bit of progress helps, you gotta take what you need… Even an extra day to prepare and evacuate is a miracle that furthers the underdog motif.

           Plus, with a batch of Star Destroyers that need to be stopped- There’s still the need to rescue Rey. The Resistance still needs to cause damage at the First Order’s base, and Finn is still needed to infiltrate and lower the shields, while taking advantage of this operation for himself and Rey. Most importantly, you don’t get a contrived superweapon that only adds to the bland, carbon-copy standard of the Sequel Trilogy; And perhaps best of all, we don’t have to see Ilum retroactively bastardized and destroyed, with Starkiller Base’s identity revealed AFTER we see it get blown up… The legacy of the Jedi and its history is not further destroyed with the loss of this sacred planet of kyber crystals.

          And that’s better, because this trilogy about passing the torch, seems as insistent as Kyle Ron, the villain, on interpreting this theme as utterly wiping out all traces of the past, and leaving nothing for the next generation to work with. Which, I’m not surprised at a corporation thoughtlessly razing and salting the earth in selfish disregard for those who will need and use it afterwards, but still. And while a star that burns brighter than most thanks to its heart of Kyber IS a neat concept that could be worked with, especially with what Chirrut Imwe says, in addition to the motifs of flames of rebirth and the Phoenix… It’s not something that justifies the further eradication of Jedi history and effort on a level that even the Empire didn’t go, just to arbitrarily raise stakes with yet another uninspired superweapon.

           Like, the Duel of the Fates script and its concept of a device that blocks off all inter-galactic communication is MUCH more interesting, clever, and innovative than the Death Star Lite, and it hits closer to home in this age of internet and mass communication; In contrast to the Death Star, which fit more in its time as a criticism of the stockpiling and development of nukes, and how that tapped into the public’s fear at the time of nuclear Armageddon. And a device blocking off intergalactic communication provides good reason for why the Resistance doesn’t have the full might of the New Republic behind them, because they can’t even communicate to collaborate, and it adds to that idea of people made to feel ‘alone’ or whatever and thus isolated, so they can’t band together and rise up. That adds to Rey feeling alone, and makes Poe and Zorii’s discussion at the end of the trilogy that much more meaningful… Not that the Sequel Trilogy was planned to consider the latter, of course.

           (Actually, I wonder if it’s possible to cut Starkiller Base’s superweapon scenes from the film. Like a cut where any references to its superweapon, and the scene where it fires, is cut out; I think the film might still work that way.)

[vespertine-legacy]

I know this game is theoretically an mmo/fighting game, but it’s too much fun playing space Barbies. I’ve started putting together compare-and-contrast shots of the toons of mine that have different versions of the same outfits to try and figure out who is the best-dressed (even though none of them will ever match up to certain of my mutuals’ toons *coughMerkaracough*) and show off some of my favorite outfits.

Fashion show under the cut!

The Impulsive Adventurer set is just too versatile. Pretty much everybody gets to wear it for a little while! Agents while they’re trying to Not Look Imperial, Smugglers just because it’s a good casual look, Bounty Hunters because forearms.

Everybody looks good in the Resilient Warden set, with or without the rebreather mask, and it looks good with almost any dye module.

The Alliance Emissary set (at least the chest piece, I don’t like the leg wraps too much, and I can take or leave the gloves and the belt depending on the toon) is another one that looks good on just about anyone and with just about any dye module. And the hood stays down so you don’t have to worry about going bald with it--and amazingly, the Togruta central lek tucks nicely into the hood on the back instead of clipping through it!

The Armored Diplomat/Armored Interrogator sets give me life, and I can’t really say why. Did I have to buy both of them, even though they’re basically the same just different colors and a slightly different pattern on the skirt and the gloves? Yes, absolutely. (oh, @sunsetofdoom​ if you’re looking for an in-game armor set for Sohnya, this set has little finger-caps on the gloves, FYI). Also! Notice how different Kestrel and Nustia’s outfits look in Republic vs Imperial lighting (they are wearing the same top and no dye module, so it should be the same color, but Imperial lighting is so much bluer)

The Bold Hellion set is a tasteful, nearly tits-out, bared midriff look that is completely impractical for all of these ladies, considering they get shot at a lot, but I love it anyway. (I would like to know why the pen in the breast pocket is bright pink on Coda and Vysh but not on Tulia and Moxie though? is that a tiny “I’m a medic don’t shoot”? It isn’t an artefact of the dye module for either of them, I don’t think--Coda’s dye is brown/black. Maybe it’s just a slightly glitchy armor set...)

The Force Apprentice set is fun because Shoulder Pads and little mini capelets and Fingerless Gloves! I adore the original color of it, but it also takes most dyes well too. The collar has some pretty bad clipping issues (RIP Kestrel’s lekku), but it is what it is.

The Lucien Draay set gives me life, and not just because of the Lite Bondage look (promise). Beware though, it does give BT4 female toons a massive ass. Like, the biggest-looking ass you’ve ever seen. Like, they’ve already got some junk in the trunk to begin with, but DAYM. I’m not a huge fan of the skirt it comes with, so I often swap it out for a variety of different pants.

I don’t know what I love about the Sith Cultist set exactly, but I love it. There is something about the original color though that trips out my eyes sometimes and makes it looks a little like an optical illusion at some angles, so, I guess be mindful of that?

TIDDIES. OUT. The Able Hunter set is a distraction technique for my Bounty Hunters, plain and simple. 

The Distinguished Warrior set makes my teeny Warriors look like they’re playing dress-up in a Much Bigger Warrior’s armor and I love it. But the set dyes really well, and it looks like something that would, you know, actually protect them.

The Wayward Voyager set was my newest impulse buy, and it was mostly because I decided that Vysh wasn’t really that much of a tits-out kind of girl and needed a more modest look, and I absolutely love it, so I gave one to Moxie too.

[commander-writergirl]

Little Known Fact pt.3

Summary: Y/N Skywalker is perfectly happy just being an engineer amongst the rebels. She is always quite happy to have her lineage hidden from everyone on base, except for her little sister and aunt. 

But what can she do when one flyboy starts to fall for her and finds a sketch giving him more and more questions she needs to answer.

Rating: PG-13 

Warnings: TROS spoilers

Part 3 of 4

Ship: Poe Dameron/Reader

Word Count: 818

Part 1 - Part 2

Tags: @propertyofpoeandbucky​ @kboogie09​ @ivonstiel​

Everything happened in a blur and before Poe could process it all, you were climbing into your X-Wing and taking off.

           You didn’t care that you had been named General, you were not about to lose your sister again. R2 made sure that the rest of the Resistance could make it to Exagol.

           For the first time in years your blaster and lightsaber sat at your hips. The closer you got, the more your adrenaline pumped through your veins. You knew that today that someone would not walk away and if you had anything to say about it, it was going to be Kylo Ren.

 ---

           Once you landed, you climbed out pulling your blaster from the holster before you began running, letting the force guide you. As you ran, you fired at the knights of Ren and any guard who got in your way.

           Once you got to the throne room, you dropped the blaster and pulled your saber. Taking notice of the situation, you quickly slide in front of Rey, blocking Kylo’s strike.

           “Y/N?” the surprise in Ren’s voice made you smirk before you kicked him in the stomach to allow Rey a chance to recover.

           “You good?” you asked Rey as she called her saber back.

           “Yes,” she said as you both turned to Kylo Ren.

           You could see he was much paler than you’d ever seen, and his eyes were rimmed red. His saber seeming much more menacing than before.

           “One big happy family.” Ren said a dark laugh echoing off the walls. “It will be a joy to kill you both. Something I should have done when I destroyed your father’s precious temple.”

           He was goading you both and you worked hard to control your anger. Rey didn’t try as hard. She charged at him and Ren sent her flying across the room.

           As you went to go cover her, Ren pulled you to him and forced you to look at the sky. You tried controlling your emotions as you watched the Resistance X-Wings outnumbered by TIE fighters. Your eyes catching sight of Poe’s ship.

           “I’m going to make you watch as I kill your precious pilot,” he spoke as a shockwave ran over all the Resistance ships, causing their power systems to fail. “Then I’ll make you watch as I kill the only family you have left.” You could see out of your peripheral vision that Rey was trying to stand up. “Then maybe I’ll be nice and kill you.” A sadistic grin came over his face, “or maybe I’ll let you live with the pain of knowing you failed!”

           You felt a warm hand against your shoulder and focused all your energy to send Kylo flying back.

           “I’m tired of talking,” you kept your eyes on Kylo as your cyan-colored saber lite the area around you.

           “Ah, I see green no longer suits you,” Kylo said as he stood, wiping blood from his lip.

           “It never did,” You charged at him. Your sabers clashed as an explosion shook the foundation. You smiled as the feeling of hope surrounded you once more.

           You and Kylo found, it being a great distraction, Rey kept watch of how Ren ended up when neither of you would relent. When her chance opened up, when the Resistance destroyed more of the First Order, while Ren kept his focus on you, Rey took her shot.

 ---

           Once Poe landed, he went looking for Finn, pulling him into a hug. When they both saw you and Rey, they ran over pulling you two into a group hug.  You hugged all three of them. Fighting back tears. You locked eyes with Poe, to find him looking at you.

           You smiled sadly at him and he grinned back. The war was over the First Order and the Sith were dead.

 ---

           You sat across from Poe at the catina, Finn having gone to talk with the other reformed Stormtroopers and Rey having gone to hang out with Rose. You and Poe didn’t feel the need to talk, so you two sat in a comfortable silence sipping at your drinks.

           Then you remembered your promise and the sketch. “So, I made my aunt a promise,” you lend forward pulling the sketch out and holding it for him to see the back.

           He looked at it before looking back at you, “What was your promise?”

           “That I would tell you how I felt,” you watched him as he moved closer to you.

           “And?” he lightly stroked your cheek.

           “I really, really like you, Poe Dameron.” You said biting at your lower lip.

           Poe smiled before pressing his lips to yours. You responded in kind, setting your hand against his neck.

           You two only broke apart when air was needed. “I really, really like you too, Y/N Skywalker.”

           You smiled wide and went back to kissing him, lightly gripping at the chain around his neck.

[shadowmaat]

star wars asks: 1 10 18?

1.  do you find force users or non-force users more interesting?

Both. LOL! I’m more interested in characterization than focusing on Force sensitive vs. non. I do think it’s a shame that Force sensitives get most of the glory, though, when workaday “normal” people can be plenty awesome on their own. I wish we could get a Star Wars story without any Force sensitives at all, or maybe toss in one who only has a weak connection and see how they manage to make that work for them. A surgeon with just enough power to slow a patient’s bleedout, but has to rely on their real skills to save them. An archaeologist with uncanny “hunches” on the best places to dig at sites. An assassin who never misses and/or always manages to find the one weak spot in someone’s armor.

That being said, I also think it’s a shame that a lot of people try and take someone’s hard-earned skills and make it all about the Force instead. Is the idea of Han Solo being Force sensitive fun? Absolutely! Mostly because he hates the idea so much. But implying he’s Force sensitive means that it’s less about how talented he is and more about the Force giving him an advantage he otherwise wouldn’t have.

I think it would also help to see more non-Jedi/Sith Force users. And not the Jedi-Lite/Sith-Lite stuff we’re getting in the sequel trilogy: I want to see them explore philosophies that are entirely their own with their own rules and ethics. That would be interesting as hell to me.

10.  do you think the jedi were right or wrong?

I think they had the right ideas, but tended to go about it the wrong way. By the Prequels Era the Jedi had become too complacent and set in their ways, and it opened the doors to all kinds of hell. Any kind of big organization needs to learn to be flexible and change to fit the times they’re in. Following centuries old dogma just because “that’s the way we’ve always done it” isn’t a healthy mindset. Change is essential for growth, and the Jedi didn’t learn that fast enough. They didn’t deserve what happened to them, but they played a part in their own downfall.

Their core ideals, however, are good ones. Going out and helping others? You can’t fault that. Trying to stop darkness from taking over? Yup, good stuff. Trying to instill values so they don’t become engorged on their own power and seize control of the universe “for its own good” or whatever? Damn right. I just think they could have found better ways to go about it. I especially think they should have done more to interact with everyday people so that they didn’t develop a reputation for being mysterious and reclusive, or only helping out in “big” things like natural disasters or political negotiations.

Imagine having Jedi healers working side-by-side with regular doctors, helping to save regular people with their extraordinary talents, instead of the healers only working on (primarily) other Jedi.

Imagine having Jedi Knights working with police in crisis intervention or hostage negotiations, where they can use their talents to help keep tempers calm or find the right things to say to stop someone from jumping off a building.

Not them replacing anyone, but lending assistance and showing they care about everyone, even those who aren’t Force sensitive. Heck, just imagine some dork of a Jedi managing to levitate some kid’s cat out of a tree. LOL! Good humanitarian efforts (and man, we really DO need a word for that that isn’t human-centric) and in cases like that it also frees up the firemen or whatever to worry about bigger problems.

Anyway, the Jedi as a group were good, they were just, perhaps, a little off the mark in some of their efforts. Room for improvement with a few “what the hell were they thinking?” bits thrown in.

18.  what is your favorite star wars book or comic?

hhhhh. I haven’t read a lot of them? I loved the Poe Dameron comics for a while, right up until Poe decided to “kill” a droid and replace its personality with one that was more convenient to his efforts. I have a lot of deep-seated issues about how droids are treated in Star Wars, and that was just appalling to me, as was the fact that no one else- including the audience- seemed to blink at it. Everyone just accepted it as the right thing to do. Urg.

Otherwise, there's Wrath of Darth Maul, which is just heartbreaking to read and gives a lot of really great (and terrible) background into how Maul was raised, leading up to his confrontation on Naboo and then the fallout from that. Like, yeah, he's a bad guy, but his upbringing was brutal and it adds a whole lot of dimension to the character. All the more reason for me to write more fluff about him. ;)

[lhpxawol-amalgam]

Popular AWOl Ships in a Nutshell

Long post ahead.

WonderMod

Suwon:

Won x Soomi

Queen of all ships

Intellectual meets philosopher

Funniest couple you will ever meet

Agdjkfdgdaf there’s just so much chemistry

Stans have like written full-length thought-out analyses on this shit

When they dance together it’s the best cause Won can dance like no one’s business and Soomi is just trying her best but they still look awesome together

Gyuju:

Gyuri x Jinju

Both have two siblings

Both play guitar

Both are the two tallest in their group

Both do modern dance

At this point no one knows if the only reason this ship is so popular is cause they just have so much in common

But they do kinda balance each other out

Gyuri’s the drill sergeant and Jinju’s the cheerleader

Hyeju:

Hyerin x Jinju

Leader/maknae stuff, ya know

They’re actually pretty cute together

“Oh my god, they were roommates”

These shippers will never get over the one time Hyerin made Jinju ramen when she was super stressed and helped her to take a break from working

WonderMod stans be like “I ship Hyeju” and LOONA stans be like “but with who tho”

Hareum:

Hanbyeol x Areum

Hanbyeol can cook and Areum loves to eat so

Also lots of dad energy for some reason 

This one’s only as big as it is from that one fanfic “I’m Trapped in a Hareum Anime”

Shenanigan

Sangeun:

Sangwoo x Jaegeun

It’s a duo group

Of course it’s a ship

Generates lots of enemies-to-lovers fanfiction for some reason

Sangwoo’s the flirty one and Jaegeun’s the dapper one so you get all the cute shipping dynamics

AK6

2Woo:

K.O. (Kiwoo) x Woori

“Oh my God, they were roommates”

Scary but weak meets buff but softie 

Honestly could become real

I mean K.O.’s bi so

The fans feel vaguely justified

Uwu

Lites Out:

K.O. x Lite

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: 2Woo vs. Lites Out

K.O’s stage persona is almost aggressive enough for Lite’s actual personality

Jk she’s soft for like one person and it’s him

Need to host a variety show stat

DeLite:

Lite x Luxe

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: Lites Out vs DeLite

Fashion king and queen

They got that yin/yang thing going

Watch them like actually get away with murder tho

Labyrinth:

Miro x Luxe 

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: DeLite vs Labyrinth

The thinking man’s ship

They’re always the ones to sit back and lovingly shake their heads while everyone else does something fun but stupid

No one really sees this ship going anywhere sexual but it’s got all the good memes so

Forget-Me-Not

Hanhwan:

Hanbin x Joohwan

That name tho

Poetry

Absolute softies for each other

If this were a fanfic it’d be a slow burn cause they’re so goddamn oblivious

Hanbin’s a sex-demon on the outside and a cinnamon roll on the inside

Let’s just say people suspect the opposite of Joohwan

Kim Woo:

Kim Gyeong x Siwoo

More leader/maknae

Try and make this one sexy and watch yourself get kicked out of the fandom by angry stans

This is why Forget-Me-Not doesn’t have ship wars

PINEAPPLE

Shinmin:

Shinyoung x Minchul

We don’t know how anyone let this happen

They’re cousins

Like not even distant cousins

I know the internet sucks

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: Shincest or Mincest

Lots of pining jokes cause gEDDIT they’re in pINEAPPLE

But yeah this one gets all the shame it deserves

a.LOVE

Jangyoung:

Gayoung x Tokki (Jangmi)

Their MV characters have a sorta abusive dynamic so

This one gets a lot of eyebrows raised

But IRL they’re both just trying to out-care for each other

So the fics are either hardcore angst or total fluff 

I would say “oh my God, they were roommates” but they’re all roommates so like

Sungyoung:

Gayoung x Sungmi

The Unpopular Ship™

Oh look it’s another enemies-to-lovers Sungyoung fic

Half the time they’re both j chilling and the other half they’re the literal definition of sexual tension

MiMi:

Tokki (Jangmi) x Sungmi

Technically leader/maknae but like

It feels different

It’s just really cute man what can I say

They’ve got that tsundere/genki girl dynamic going

*insert meme man* Show ALL the affection!

GSG

Yangbin:

Yang x Sebin

All the chemistry, all the feels, and sadly also all the annoying straight girls fetishizing Asian men

But like seriously when they dance together it’s absolutely golden

Yang’s all flowing and expressive and Sebin’s all sharp and aggressive

Kinda matches their personalities too

It’s just sad that so many stans have to be all sasaeng-y about it

AB Yang:

AB Young x Yang

Who wants to bet it’s just for the name huh

But no it’s low-key cute 

You wouldn’t think they’d have too much chemistry at first

They’re like the “don’t match on paper but perfect irl” kinda couple

More platonic vibes than the Yangbin shipping content

Kyunghorang:

Horang x Kyungho

Literally just Sangeun all over again

Everyone wants to protecc our precious maknae Kyungho from bad boy Horang

But they’re actually both really good for each other and Horang just gets him ya know

You know what it is? It’s Good Omens. That’s the dynamic here.

DGRM

Moyeon:

Moya x Doyeon

Also called Doya by people who are stupid

Should really start their own pranking channel

Who’s ready for h/c fanfiction~~~

No but seriously Moya has helped Doyeon through panic attacks a lot

She’s tall so she can fit all the comfort in her

And Doyeon’s short bc

Um

Ok it’s just cute how much taller Moya is compared to Doyeon lol

Duanjung:

Jung-ah x Duanphen

Softies trying to be baddies

Like Yangbin in their dancing styles

So much poking fun at each other it’s not even funny but like it is tho

All the cuddles, all the selcas with cutesy filters

And then BAM new set of teasers comes out and they look sexy as FUCK

Yufang:

JD Fang x Yuyan

No one would’ve shipped it until the behind-the-scenes vid for Midnight Girl came out

And now they’re just weirdos together

They’re like the Sith: One master, one apprentice

Yuyan is the dark mysterious inner core JD wishes she had

And JD is the stability and reasonableness Yuyan has been searching for her whole life

JD Aika:

JD Fang x Aika

It’s 99% because they kissed in a music video

But like COME ON THEY KISSED IN A MUSIC VIDEO

AND NOT HALFHEARTEDLY EITHER

Honestly gorgeous fan art for this couple

Not as much obvious chemistry as some ships but fans are always like “omg thEIR HANDS tOuChEd”

Yiyan:

Yifei x Yuyan

There’s something about whenever they have lines or screen time together that just works

Both trying to soften each other up but in different ways

And usually succeeding

They’re just really good close friends ya know

The kind you could see accidentally developing a crush on each other

RFei:

Yifei x RJ

“Oh my God, they were roommates”

Ultimate good girl/bad girl ship

But secretly they’re both just nervous wrecks

We know Yifei helped comfort RJ a lot after she came out and heard back from her parents so

Get ready for more h/c fic~~~

Ho-J:

RJ x Hoa

The actual baddies

*stifles laugh* hoe-j

Remember the “sugakookie with a cup of tae” jokes? Yeah it’s that bad

They’re both just too sexy for the fans to handle so naturally what better ship could you get it’s just basic math

Also need to host a variety show stat

Triple D:

Duanphen x DaO x Doyeon

It’s a joke ship that some people started taking seriously

Don’t ask, no one has an explanation

SET! (Korean soloists)

JZo:

Jihoon x Zo

Because Jizo is an objectively bad name (ok sure it looks fine but try saying it out loud)

Also occasionally known as Jezus

Lots of uncle energy (?)

Zo would totally be Jihoon’s real life manic pixie dream girl if she wasn’t, ya know, a strong and badass woman with her own agency who also happens to have quirky hair

Mayoon:

May x Hayoon

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: Do you pronounce it like “May” or like “Hayoon”

Tbh this ship died pretty quickly

Since we’re all pretty sure now that May’s aroace

And like they’re young, we don’t get in the way of their friendship

That iconic answer-your-tweets vid where someone asked “how do you pronounce Mayoon” and Hayoon was just like “you don’t”

But for real they have the BEST FRIENDSHIP HANDS DOWN

PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER

Mesmere

Jaereum:

Jaegeun x Areum

The thing with Mesmere is that there are canonical “couples” in the MVs

Which were decided based on which members were like “yesss I’m so down for this concept” and which ones were like “this could be fun to try I guess”

Jaegeun and Areum fall into the former category

The shippers tend to be very kinky

So much smut but like most of it’s inspired by Mesmere’s original concept so it shouldn’t be surprising 

Is there real chemistry? Who knows? Does it matter? Not to the fans it doesn’t

Robin:

Miro x Hanbin

The “this could be fun to try I guess” gang

Everyone stans bc omg that ship name is adorable

If Jaereum is the “sweet on the outside, sexy on the inside” pair, Robin is the “sexy on the outside, sweet on the inside” pair

This one always throws AK6 and Forget-Me-Not fans for a loop because no one expects them to be THAT SEXY

BUT THEY ARE

Fireflower

Seiko: 

Seori x Teiko

Another tsundere/genki girl ship

Except the genki girl is surprisingly intimidating in that “she’s not scary she’s just hot” way

New fans never expect Seori to be the head-over-heels type

But she is~

Someone make this into an actual book please it would be so cute

Harumi:

Haruna x Mega (Megumi)

1 ball of energy + 1 ball of energy = perfection

No but literally they have so much enthusiasm

They could be a perpetual motion machine where they both just survive off the other’s energy

Opposites attract more like no I love Harumi

Firepower

Junto:

Hiroto x Junya

Obligatory main-vocalist ship

Surprisingly pure ship until you realize you just haven’t looked hard enough

Like seriously it’s all fluff or all smut with this one

Irl they’re fairly cute together but mostly because they’re good friends

Good friends who happen to be very sexy

Yoshico:

Yoshi x Nico

The one fans actually care about 

Partners in crime except they would suck at any actual crime

All the memes. And when I say all the memes, I mean all. The. Memes.

Wouldn’t surprise anyone to know that Yoshi and Nico made all the memes themselves

They don’t like it when fans box them into a specific romantic relationship but they’re also like “yeah we ship Yoshico too” to be funny and cute about it

Flower+Power

Coco:

Teiko x Nico

The Cute Ones™

Sometimes it seems too perfect and you have to wonder if it’s just an idol personality thing they’re putting on because they’re supposed to

Until you remember this is AWOl we’re talking about

Probably just friends but still

More food puns

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: Coco vs Ho-J

Ryouna:

Ryouga x Yuuna

So #sophisticated

Shipping Ryouna is a wild ride cause like

First of all they’re both hot as hell, especially together

And there’s just something about most Ryouga/Yuuna biases, they tend to be very hardcore stans (let’s just say neither of them are the Jungkook of their group in terms of popularity so if you stan them you STAN them)

And they are well aware of this fact

And love to tease fans with like “pretend” kisses on stage or during variety shows 

There’s just so much Ryouna content like who cares whether or not it’s real

We all know they’re gonna fall in love eventually

Other

WorldWideWoo:

K.O. (Kiwoo) x Sangwoo x Siwoo

AWOL’s version of the Dinosaur Triplets

Sangwoo came up with the name himself so you know it’s legit

All flirtatious bad boys on the outside, all surprisingly courteous once you get to know them

On their own they’re genuinely cool people, but for some reason whenever they get together they all become the kind of person to (un?)ironically use the word “swag”

So of course someone’s gotta ship it

Kim Hyerin:

Hyerin x Kim Gyeong

The pure one

Kinda overdone so

You either love this ship or you hate it

And either way it’s because they’re both such caring people that it becomes an unstoppable-force-meets-immovable-object problem

But everyone tends to agree that it’s at least kinda cute 

It’s also funny ‘cause in Korea women don’t take their husband’s names

Hyesang:

Hyerin x Sangwoo

Because Sangrin is an objectively bad name

The sexy one

They did ONE performance on e.LIVE together and now no one can get over how hot they are

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: Kim Hyerin vs Hyesang

No seriously the number of Kim Hyesang love triangle fanfictions is kinda insane at this point

The shippers love to pull the “they’ve known each other longer, of course they’re emotionally closer” card and then make absolutely no content that reflects that

Naozo:

Ah yes, the ultimate ship war: is this referring to Naoko x Taizō or Naoko x Zo

Of course it’s Naoko x Zo they’re so much cuter together

Naoko and Taizō kinda go together as the two Japanese soloists but like

Naoko and Zo~~~

The chemistry~~~~~

NaoZo > Naozō

Why

Because it’s gay you fools

Cococo

Naoko x Teiko x Nico

Ok this is just ridiculous

[skies7536]

Hope Appears Unlikely

It’s a beautiful summer day at the parade grounds near the base of Solus Suum Tal as Ahsoka walked to meet Rex at the youth Academy.  Since his healing, he had fully retired from military service and took a position as an Instructor.

Sitting at a bench overlooking the field, she watched Gregor teach the younglings the Clone Haka, a tradition she learned from her days as a Commander when her troopers would perform this ritual before their battles, and sadly, after.

She breathed a troubled sigh as she rubbed her gravid belly.  Now only beginning her third trimester, her baby will grow much larger and faster over these final weeks even without the experience of accelerated growth. She had hoped to deliver at home during peaceful circumstances, but communique from her Fulcrums have made that hope appear less likely.

She felt the gentle touch of her cyare on her shoulder, reaching up, she took his hand as he sat next to her.

Together they watched the younglings practice. Ahsoka could feel his concern for his cadets and the community they have helped found. She knows that he had hoped that he could enjoy his remaining years in peace, raising their family and preparing the next generation to defend their existence in their quiet part of the universe. He too, sees his silent request as unlikely.

Giving her a halfhearted smile, he litely squeezed her hand, as they continued to their meeting with the Elder Council.

The couple walked in pensive silence.  They had learned, only recently about the heavy losses of the Resistance fleet and now they were asked to join the elder council to advise on an urgent matter for their home and community.

They entered the meeting Hall where they were greeted by fellow council members and Founding Elders; Dour Kagan, Edi Von, Chudz Swazak, Nighthawk, and Wolffe.  Captain Razer was also in attendance.  They all milled about a large round conference table, arguing as usual.

“Hello Rex, Ahsoka, thank you for coming on such short notice.  I’m sorry to be so abrupt, but the council has just received news.” Dour used a round gavel and pounded the table.  The meeting has come to order as everyone took their seats.  He pressed a button on the council table and a star map appeared.

“We have received a distress call from General Organa. Her fleet is running out of fuel and is being decimated by the First Order.”

“What do you expect us to do?” Edi Von responded, “Organa picked this fight, let her drown in it.”

Ahsoka noticed Rex’s nostrils flare as he set his jaw and silently gripped the arm of his chair. She reached over and touched his hand, he then gripped her fingers, gently holding them.

“Fool!” Nighthawk fumed, “General Organa has been protecting the Republic since before the days of the Empire.”

“And a fine job too.” Edi snarled, “You would think a hard won Republic would last more than a few decades.”

The council chamber erupted with angry words.  Dour gaveled the chamber back in order.

“We can’t help them. Our own forces are very limited.” Said Razer.

Studying the map, Wolffe walked around the table.  “Ahsoka, wasn’t there a base at Crait?”

The former Commander focused at the planet on the map.  After a thoughtful moment, “Yes.  That’s right! It was a couple of years into the war, when I was a Padawan learner.  Master Plo had a clandestine meeting with Senator Organa to place a small base there.  It seems the General knows about this.”

Wolffe crossed his arms and smirked, “You weren’t supposed to listen in on those meetings.” His cold, pale, cybernetic eye winked knowingly at her.

Ahsoka smiled slyly and shrugged, “If they can make it to Crait, it should give them some time until reinforcements arrive.”

“Is there anyone responding to their call?” asked Rex.

Dour shook his head, “No, there is noone with the will to fight.”

“Then they are truly lost.” Wolffe muttered sadly.

“Unfortunately, there is more bad news.” Ahsoka sighed, “I have it on irrefutable authority that the First Order is expanding their search for Force sensitives and are moving toward our sector of space.”

Kagan slammed his hand on the table, “I knew taking in those sensitives was a bad idea -”

“Dour, this entire planet is saturated in the Force.  It’s the best place for them.” Ahsoka pointed out, “We all knew it would be a matter of time.”

Rex sighed, running a hand over his beard, “We have founded these communities to be a home for all clones and anyone wanting a new life.  That includes Force sensitives.”

Ahsoka frowned, rubbing her belly, “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well.” She excused herself, “I’ll be right back.”  She patted Rex’s shoulder as she left the room.

As Ahsoka entered the hallway of the council building, a droid approached her.

“May I help you Founder?” it asked.

“I’m not feeling well, is there someplace I can rest for awhile?”

“Of course Founder. Follow me.”  The Droid escorted her to a secluded room at the end of the hall. “Will there be anything further, Founder?”

“Please, don’t let anyone disturbed me. I’ll feel better soon.”

“Yes, Founder.”

Ahsoka entered the room and settled into her meditative state.  She reached her way over the land masses and oceans of Ahch-to and touched mind of Luke Skywalker.

“Ahsoka.  You shouldn’t exert yourself in your condition.  I know your child is using your energy.”

“How did you know that?”

“Your Force energy is not as strong.” A thin gentle smile graced his sad face, “She’s a sensitive, isn’t she?”

Ahsoka embraced her belly, “Yes, I felt it only last week.”

“I know you and Rex will train her well.  Much better than any Jedi could…better than I could.”

“Luke, I’m no Jedi.”

“No.  You’re better.”

“Thank you for returning my cyare’se to me.”

“I’m glad that I could at least do that for you.”  He said as he reached out through the Force, Ahsoka could feel a brief invisible touch on her belly, “I must go now.  I have to prepare.”

Ahsoka nodded, “Leia, she’s in dire need.”

“I know.  Rey and Chewy are on their way now with the Falcon. I will do what I can. Ahsoka, both of you have been wonderful friends and teachers. Take care of your baby, and the old man.”

With that, Luke disconnected from their communication.  Sadly she suspects what Skywalker was preparing for, and she will not see him again.

Ahsoka brought herself out of her meditation, then busied herself with more local concerns and skillfully accessed the council’s databases.

Ahsoka returned and sat in her chair as the meeting continued to drown on.

When the meeting concluded, Rex and Ahsoka began the long walk home.

“Did you learn anything?”

Ahsoka sighed, hugging Rex’s arm, “No more than before, cyare.  The transmission did not come from Ahch-to.”

“Captain Razer is having the listening stations inspected to see if the transmission came from them.”

“Fortunately, the Fulcrum stationed within the First Order says the transmission was erased from their databases before anyone suspected.”

“Well, that’s something.”

“Yes, but…the First Order is dispersing Detection Droids and Seekers to collect force sensitive children.”

“Seekers…What’s that? Some sort of Sith?”  

“I don’t believe so, cyare. The Fulcrum says they are dedicated to the search for Force sensitive children.”

Rex sighs and kisses her hand, “It never ends does it.”

Ahsoka gripped Rex’s arm, “Oh!” She winced from the unexpected kick, “Ow…That was a hard one.” Letting out a long breath, she tugged him to a near by bench where they sat.

“So, what did I miss?”

Rex’s sullen expression begins to fade as he smiles briefly, noticing his baby’s movement, “The council will deliberate and present a proposal to send the younglings to Winter Haven to shelter if a conflict occurs.”

“A wise precaution.” Ahsoka placed her husband’s hand on her belly, anticipating another kick, a challenge the baby accepts with a long stretch.

“We’re not going to wait.”

“Cyare?”

“Razer said that troopers actually had to destroy any unmanned probe this morning.  They are studying it now at Bromin outpost. I have set up a meeting with Bindi Roviko about moving the sensitives to Winter Haven to begin a slow evacuation of our younglings.”  Rex rubbed his wife’s belly, “I want you to go with them.”

“Rex, no.”

“Soka, I’m a soldier.  I’m healed now.  I can –“

“Rex, you’re so much more.” She whispered lovingly, stroking his bearded face.  “You have a new mission Captain.  You are Cabur. (Kah-boor) Guardian of the Legacy.” She firmly holds his hand on her belly, “We need you here.” Softly she kisses him, “I need you here.” touching his forehead to her own. “Whatever happens, we face it together.”

Rex sniffs and nods in agreement.  “You’re right.  As always.”

The baby moves again, “Oh, what’s with you today little one?” Ahsoka sighed.

“I know.” Rex smiles as he patted her belly.  “It’s time to eat, Mama.”

He was right.  They haven’t eaten since this morning and with all the bad news lately, a meal was the last thing on her mind.  Until now.  Her hunger was becoming rather severe.

“We all need a pick-me-up.” Rex said as cheerfully as he could, “We’re going out for dinner, then visiting the kids and the little ARC’s.”

“That’s a good plan, cyare. Let’s go.”

[rickrakontoys]

Star Wars - The Last Jedi

A wierd, different, unexpected, uneven, but ultimately satisfying episode in the franchise.

****SPOILERS**** this is going to be looooong….

The Good - The filmmakers took a lot of chances and risks here and I am happy that they did. They showed us new things that we’ve never seen before, and presented a plot that subverts your expectations to lead the characters to new journeys and arcs. - Luke was terrific as a dejected former jedi master who’s past failure led him to exile. Some fans may have wanted him to remain some kind of power fantasy character who just uses the Force to… blow Star Destroyers up or some shit, but here he plays a believable interpretation of a teacher who failed his students and is suffering from deep regrets. He came to that isolated island “to die” as he says, but his arc here follows the theme of “learning to pick yourself up even in the face of terrible failure". Despite being an old curmudgeon now, he is still recognizably Luke Skywalker. Mark Hamill gives his best performance here. And his final “battle” at the end is badass, surprising and clever, not to mention showing us a new use of The Force (which in my mind totally makes some sense). If the dead can project their image through the force, why can’t a living jedi? That Luke acts quite dramatic when facing Kylo Ren as a “hologram” is just funny. Luke’s journey ended in ROTJ. Here he plays one final part in the story of this galaxy. “See you around kid” he says to Kylo. Perhaps he is saying it to us as well. - Leia has a lot of unexpected scenes here… namely, her use of the Force to save herself from what would have been a deadly experience! This felt at first like it came out of nowhere, but Leia has previously shown to possess some strong connection to the Force. Her character is out of commission for a chunk of the movie, but Carrie Fisher does give a very subtle and poignant performance here. How they will reconcile Fisher’s passing for Episode 9 will remain to be seen… - Rey and Kylo’s journeys here compliment each other and are amazing. You honestly don’t know how things will turn out, since they tease both of them being pulled away from their respective sides of the Force often here. Their direct connection to each other through the Force was new, and gave us some very interesting scenes where they talk and interact despite being worlds apart. Kylo gets much more development here, and does some rather unexpected things. He is both sympathetic, and detestable. He is still very much a tortured young man lashing out at the galaxy. Rey mostly plays the role of the student in search of a teacher. She goes looking for Luke, finds him, but he ain’t having it at all, and just lets her hang around for a bit to her disappointment. She eventually takes her own initiative and sort of earns Luke’s respect for it. - We perhaps learn who Rey’s parents are, and it was as I wished: they are nobodies who sold her off as a kid then died in a shallow grave on Jakku. I would have HATED if they were somehow someone we already knew… Rey’s importance isn’t through blood but through her own initiative. She even admits to knowing all along but being afraid to admit it. Daisy Ridley is still fantastic as Rey. I like her even more than before! Kylo can satisfy the Skywalker bloodline requirement of the series in this new trilogy. Let someone else be the hero for a change. - Kylo just straight up murders that silly CGI Supreme Leader Snoke and I love it. Snoke was just Palpatine-lite, and Kylo is clearly the more interesting villain the new series should focus on. Who cares who Snoke was… nobody really cared who Palpatine was in ROTJ… he too was just an evil overlord who gets killed by his apprentice (until Lucas devoted 3 movies to him…). This feels like Rain Johnson cleaning up after JJ Abrams. Snoke was silly and I’m glad he dies unclimactically after only 2 movies. - Poe is a lot more hot-headed here than in the first movie, though we didnt really spend much time with him in TFA. He gets an arc here too though, which also fits in with the themes of the film. His actions get a ton of people killed and essentially cripples the Resistance, but he learns from his mistakes eventually and becomes a better leader for it. - The general theme of the movie being moving past one’s failures is interesting here since it let the filmmakers subvert so many tropes. Most of the plans the Resistence people enact all lead to disaster. In fact, their desperate flight from impending doom through the entire movie felt quite harrowing. Unlike ESB where the rebels successfully escape Hoth to live and fight another day with minimal losses, the Resistance here is absolutely wrecked and continue to be destroyed through the entire runtime. How they will recover from this remains to be seen, and we now know nothing about where this story will go in Episode 9 because of how screwed they are by the end… Meanwhile the First Order suffers from their own failures, but appear too smug about themselves to see their own hubris. They could have easily wiped the Resistance out, but choose to slowly chase them, as if to let the rebels witness the loss of all hope. It doesn’t exactly backfire, but instead renews the rebels fire to fight back. - There is a lot about the Force here that evolves the Star Wars mythos a bit. From the old Jedi texts, to Luke admitting that the Jedi doomed themselves long ago in the prequels, we see Star Wars moving past Jedi and Sith and becoming something different. I’m glad they didnt rely so heavily on what only was shown before with respect to the capabilities of a Force user or the nature of the Force in general. People may not like this, but the change is welcome. Also… YODA!!!! Slightly crazed puppet Yoda!!! He’s still teaching Luke new things. Wished ghost Obi-wan also appeared somehow… but that may be going too far. - The battles and duels in this movie were spectacular. The lightsaber fight in Snoke’s throne room? One of the best fights in the series… it was exciting and realistically choreographed, flashy without being excessive (like the prequels). A good balance between the fights in the OT and prequels. Seeing Rey and Kylo battling Snoke’s guards in a long take, shot clearly with the static angle… magnificent. Plus we get to see Kylo at full strength as opposed to crippled in TFA. He takes on multiple enemies at once, while Rey struggles with one guard. - The cinematography here is in general quite lovely. Rian Johnson loves his wide shots, and fills them with a beauty not often seen in these movies. There are some gorgeous shots here… from Holdo’s weaponized Hyperspace maneuver, to Luke’s standoff against the AT-ATs, and his final scene looking to the twin sunset that recalls the similar shot on Tatooine long ago… the use of color throughout makes for a very pretty movie. - We get flashback scenes here oddly enough… which we never got in other episode films. Plus, Rian wasnt afraid to venture into other types of shots and scenes, like a minor use of slow motion. They let the filmmmakers inject their own style into the movie. - The porgs were thankfully not too obtrusive. They are just sorta there to annoy Chewie. Chewie roasting some for dinner while they watch horrified was great and rather morbid. - Seeing Luke on the Falcon again, and his scene with R2… very poignant, and melancholy. They somehow manage to use Leia’s old message to Obi Wan to further Luke’s character development. - The battle on the salt planet Crait was neat. They make you think there will be some Hoth style battle against the AT-ATs, but its ultimately subverted by having the Resistance not even have a remote chance at all of doing any damage due to their lack of useful weapons. Finn tries the heroic sacrifice but… eh… Rose saves him and ends up letting the First Order blast a hole in the base. The hopelessness is really driven far here. - It took until the ending for me to realize Poe never was introduced to Rey ever. Also, did Rey steal the Jedi texts from that tree Luke planned on torching? You see some books in a drawer that Finn takes a blanket out of on the Falcon. Perhaps Rey will use them to help revive the Jedi order? - The last scene of the movie was an odd one to close out on… some orphans talking about Luke Skywalker like some legendary hero… then one of them uses the force to grab a broom? The Force is alive in others! Hope always survives! A bit on the nose but it makes you contemplate the future beyond the current heroes. The Bad…. - Finn and Rose’s entire subplot was superfulous and kind of terrible… I could see how it ties into the theme of the movie (hatching a clever plan to fight the First Order that ultimately fails spectacularly, but they keep fighting anyways), but that didnt stop it from being rather dull. Canto Blight felt out of place… like you were watching Harry Potter or the Hunger Games. And the whole animal horse chase thing fell kinda flat… - Benicio del Toro is in this… he plays some wierdo hacker (slicer?) with a stutter. He ultimately amounts to very little. He’s played convincingly, but only added to the superfulousness of Finn and Rose’s subplot… - In fact… that whole subplot was what damaged this movie severely. It is clearly the weakest part of an otherwise interesting film. How they come up with the plan to infiltrate the First Order ship to disable their hyperspace tracking device thing felt halfbaked. Finn and Rose spout some technobabble that feels straight out of Star Trek, then decide to gungho this odd mission. They threw Maz Kanata in there for a moment for no reason… why would Finn and Poe ask her for help? Finn barely met her. Does Poe even know her at all? All of this coulda been avoided if Vice Admiral Holdo just told Poe about her and Leia’s secret plan at the start! - Rose is gonna be divisive…. she feels like a fan stand-in character. She fangirls over Finn, goes on an adventure with him, and is suddenly in love with him? Sure I guess… i suppose i could buy that, considering she was previously some unseen common worker for the Resistance meeting a “celebrity”. Finn didnt seem to react much to her kiss though. His heart seems out for Rey. - Rey just casually dropping herself off at Snoke’s ship felt a wee bit too convenient… then after the battle in the throne room she just… appears back on the Falcon. Jarring, despite the attempt to explain it. - Phasma is used so little i wonder why they bothered making her a unique character at all… to sell toys? She gets a badass fight where she dominates Finn, but then seemingly dies in a fiery pit. Maybe they will make it a running gag that she keeps coming back? I hope she survived and returns later anyways. We get to see Gwendolyn Christie’s… eye. Yay? - The music here plays off established themes from the OT and TFA, which is fine, but otherwise there really isnt anything new here. Rose gets a new leitmotif at least. They use Palpatine’s theme during some Snoke scenes too, but is it meant to suggest they are related? - Honestly, the middle of the film just drags too long, and its all due to the Finn and Rose scenes. I get they needed to have Finn do something, but was that Canto Blight stuff necessary? That they just fly off somewhere then return to the fleet chase later kinda trivialized the whole scenario. They also introduce an idea that weapons manufacturers are profitting off the perpetual war between empire and rebellion. Neat, but they don’t really explore it further… feels like that belongs in a different movie… - The beginning of the movie focused a lot on Rose’s sister despite us not knowing much about her. Just kinda an odd choice? Those rebel bombers that just drop bombs on top of the dreadnught are also kinda dumb… most of the rebel fighter craft are decimated right off the bat. Summary: It may take more viewings to see where this truly stands qualitywise in the series. The Force Awakens definitely flowed better and had better pacing, but this one was more inventive and introduced us to newer concepts and was less predictable. Apart from the weak Canto Blight subplot and some other plot goofery, the film works. For now, I think it can give it an 8.5/10.0. I respect the hell out of them for doing some ballsy things that they know will rile part of the fanbase. Franchise rankings (out of 10): ESB & ANH 9.0 (fresh and with a truly lasting legacy) TLJ 8.5 (for evolving the franchise) RotJ 8.25 (a good close to the OT but imperfect) TFA 8.0 (overly familiar beats but still fun) ROTS 7.0 (flawed but sort of gives more weight to what happens in ROTJ) Rogue One 6.5 (very flawed, kind of a mess) TPM & AOTC 5.0 (some parts of it i like, the rest is nonsensical or dull) People seem to forget how different ESB was from ANH. This is the case here compared to TFA. I think its neat how each trilogy has its own unique feel and energy. I only hope JJ Abrams grows beyond his shortcomings in Ep. 9 and gives us something also unique and fresh.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 2

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking,   2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

zack snyder's 300: Rise of an Empire *Lady warrior commandeers the battle scenes and saves it from being a male meat fest like the first film.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Independence Day" *One way to make this movie more moronic would be if social media existed in its world at the time.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Cannon films "Ninja 3: The Domination" *Spunky shinobi, you must avenge me!* 3 stars

Septic Man *Municipal shit-storm* either zero stars for grossness or 3 stars for grossness and surrealness

"The Stuff" a Larry Cohen film starring Michael Moriarty *Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it.* 3 stars

Farscape premier episode *Awol from the ratcage.* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's: Darkplace "The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shoggoth" *Brocolli from space. I'd thought it had tasted odd.* 3 stars

Albert Pyun's "Omega Doom" starring Rutger Hauer *It's nice to know after we've killed ourselves off, through constant warfare, sentient robots will become gun nuts and start acting out cold war westerns.* 2 1/2 stars

Kenny vs. Spenny: "Who Can Sell More Bibles?" *The Devil is in the details.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: Clive Barker's "Valerie on the Stairs" *Another bodice-ripper.* 2 stars

"I Spit On Your Grave" uncut 1978 either zero stars or 3 stars

"Beyond the Door" *Paranormal pregnancy with personality.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "The Condemned Woman" *Josie and the pine weasels* 2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night: Vol 7 -- 3 stars

Seinfeld: "The Frogger" *George's high score.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Mr. R.I.N.G." *What's the difference between right and wrong? robot need to know.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible "The Rise and Fall of God" *Homeschool is the answer.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents Andrew Stevens' "Subliminal Seduction" featuring Sharknado's Ian Ziering and Critters' Dee Wallace Stone *CD-ROM Inception meets Tommy Wiseau's "The Room"  type inept erotic thriller.* 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "eXistenZ" *Jennifer Jason Leigh penetrates Jude Law's port hole in order to play an addictive and twisted version of The Sims.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" *Butter scraped over too much bread.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

"Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" *Han Solo babysits a brat-pack ginger cutie, Ernie Hudson is Lando, and Michael Ironside is a Darth Humongous who believes that Earth Girls Are Easy.* 3 stars

"Riddick" *Robinson Crusoe machismo* 3 stars

Farscape: "I, E.T." *My name is Mud.* 3 stars

Dominion: pilot episode *Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire.* 2 1/2 stars

"Thor: Dark World" *Science lady Padme pines for Adam of Eternia so that she inadvertently stumbles into the evil fudge and awakens the 9th Doctor Keebler Who causes the realms to converge like ornaments on an imploding Christmas tree.* 3 stars

"Priest" *Paul Bettany's Obi-Wan character is disenchanted with his forced retirement  in a Catholic 1984 dystopia and his regret filled dreams lead to the wasteland where his  fallen knights of the old republic partner, a cowboy from hell Karl Urban, lurks about with his horde of bloodsucking bandits and xenomorph vampires. A decent cameo from Brad  Dourif as a snake oil salesman. This movie's biggest flaw is that it forgets  the classic genre work of Sergio Leone,  John Carpenter, and George Miller and instead mimmicks the cliche Matrix ripoff style hack work of Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil flicks.* 2 stars

"Scanners 2: The New Order" *If you get inside me, go gently, and easy on the nosebleeds. This kind of telepathic power in the hands of a fascist P.D., no thankee.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Christmas Special: Charles Band's "Pets" *Inhabits the same universe as other weird,  dumb kids' adventure comedies like 'Garbage Pail Kids', 'The Super Mario Bros Movie', 'Ernest Scared Stupid', and 'Problem Child 1 & 2'* 1 1/2 stars

Sami Rami & The Coen Bros present "Crimewave" aka "The XYZ Murders" *Reminiscent of the Three Stooges, classic Mel Brooks, 40s cartoons, humorous Tom Waits song tales, and the original SNL.* 3 stars

Udo Kier in "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Miss OSbourne'  --sexploitation-- *Show me where it hurts. Fill me with  hatred. My pleasure is seeing your dead body.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Right to Die" *The crispy, vengeful ghost of Terry Shiavo.* 3 stars

William Lustig's "Vigilante" starring Robert Forster & Fred Williamson *Regular Joe nihilism* 3 stars

rifftrax presents Ridley Scott's "Alien" *H.R. Giger porn on the sattelite of love.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Josh Brolin is DC's "Jonah Hex" *Sometimes spooky, often dumb B-western that's sadly too gutless to show any blood n grit. Still it might fit into a marathon of 'The Quick and the Dead', 'Five Bloody Graves',  'Navajo Joe', and 'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.'*  2 stars

"Rhinestone Cowgirls" 1982 --xxx-- *Easy listenin' and screwin', plus plenty of other prickly  situations protruding in Cactus Corner.*  2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Primal Scream" *Unfrozen caveman mauler.* 3 stars

"Shogun Assassin" *Daddy day samurai* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Dino De Laurentiis presents "Orca" *starring Richard Harris as a salty sea-dog, Charlotte Rampling as a sensitive marine biologist, Bo Derek as a sexy shipmate and Shamu snack, plus the indian fella from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' lending his wisdom by saying things like,  "The old ways no longer work. Now, even our gods dance to a new tune."*  2 1/2 stars

"Baron Blood" *Decent dubbing, giallo lite, moody nightscapes, cursed castle, creepy stalking.*  2 1/2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: "Illuminatum & Illuminata" *Interviewer: Do you believe in the Horned One?  the actor Todd Rivers: You mean the Hoofed One? Interviewer: Yeah.*  3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: "Time Machine" *Butthead: 1832, that's like not now.  Beavis: Yeah, aren't we more than that?* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Wounds and Scars" *"A country habit. We are so very trusting."* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:  Wes Craven's "The People Under the Stairs" *A ghetto version of Twin Peaks' "Black Lodge" where "Hills Have Eyes" type inbred freaks are trapped in the cellar and "Sometimes further in is the only way out." in a twisted Tom & Jerry style game of cat & mouse.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "We All Scream for Ice Cream" starring Lee Tergesen, William Forsythe, and the kid from Bad Santa and Eastbound & Down *The Good Humor Man returns from the land of the popsicles to scoop out and dish some cold and sticky revenge.* 3 stars

Gun Fu John Woo and Risky Bidness Tom Cruise present: "Mission Impossible 2" *We've got the cure, we made the disease. Dianetics incorporated.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric present: Bedtime Stories "Hole" *Spitting surreal absurdism sometimes sidetracks the sinister suburban satire.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3K presents: Charles Band's "Laserblast" *Moppy-haired stoner with a muscle-van gets to rain down the fire of the lizard alien gods on his stereotypical 70s burnout and redneck cop enemies in his one horse desert hometown.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Farscape: "Exodus from Genesis" *A hot time in the roach maternity ward in the outer reaches of the universe, tonight.* 3 stars

"Saga, Curse of the Shadow" aka "The Shadow Cabal" *Somewhere between Peter Jackson's LOTR and LARPers that run around yelling, "Lightning bolt, lightnight bolt, lightning bolt!"  2 1/2 stars

"Night of the Loving Dangerously" --xxx-- *With the allure of his ever-wanton ex-wife, Traci Lords, private dick, Peter North, is pulled into a web of blackmail involving his ex's new fiance- a perverted CEO  with everything to lose, Jamie Gillis,  his naughty daddy's girl daughter, and gay son's snooping photographer boyfriend.*  2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "Poltergeist" *Joe Bob maligns Spielberg's involvement with a Tobe Hooper horor flick, Heather O'Rourke gives me the sads, an 80s kids bedroom is full of nostalgic shit, the mom looks sexy even with a streak of grey hair, there's some kind of message about the sinister nature of suburban sprawl,  a sassy medium with a drawl steals the show, and Joe Bob ponders the difference between "Go into the light" & "Stay away from the light."* 3 stars

Lost & Found Video Night Vol. 5 *Hot diggity tallyho* 3 stars

"Purely Physical" 1982 --xxx-- *Schmaltzy motel fornicating where the lovers' lips refuse to move when the pillow talk gets filthy.*  2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "The Trevi Collection" *Fashion victims. Some hilariously bad acting from a witch.* 3 stars

"Gallowwalkers" starring Wesley Snipes *Spaghetti vampire western. The kind of movie Blade 3 should have been.* 3 stars

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi ---despecialized editions--- *Impressive. Most impressive* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: 1954's U.S. version of "Godzilla"  & "Godzilla vs. Mothra" *Tokyo stompin' in a Texas trailer park.* 3 stars

"Manborg" 2011 *Will Ferrell's 'Westworld', Scott Pilgrim vs. Mega City 1, Napoleon Dynamite 2: Judgment Day, Tom Green's 'Total Recall', Jim Carrey's "Battlefield Earth', Sam Raimi's 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation', Paul Verhoeven's 'Army of Darkness', Patrick Swazy, Jacki Chan, Jake Busey, and Cynthia Rothrock  in 'Revenge of the Sith'.*  3 stars

Masters of Horror: Stuart Gordon presents Edgar Alan Poe's "The Black Cat" *Pluto, the little devil.* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents: "The Last Slumber Party" *More potty-mouthed and homophobic than a Wayans Bros. "Horror" "Comedy" "Movie"* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

The Outer Limits: George R.R. Martin's "Sandkings" starring Beau & Lloyd Bridges *Red menace* 3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Battlefield Earth" *L. Ron Hubbard's  The Passion of the Prometheus as acted out by the rat-brained man-animal, John Travolta.*  2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Mel Brooks "Spaceballs" 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" *Fate of world hangs in balance while obnoxious bantering, obnoxious celebrity  style wedding is overshadowing focus, obnoxious background extras actors mug for the camera and stare at the pop culture status heroes, obnoxious twirling mustache Dr. Doom villain moments, obnoxious studio thinking Galactus is a stupid concept and yet going through with having his threat to earth being the plot-- leaving us with a cloud of lame spacedust* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Troma presents: Lucio Fulci's "Rome 2072: The New Gladiators" *Televised brutality in a cyber-disco dystopia where the cities of the future are painfully obvious scale models covered in Christmas lights and dirtbikes along with karate chops are still considered pretty badass.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Game of Thrones: Season 3 episode 1

*The inept, pudgy comic relief gets to stumble around  in the snow avoiding ice zombies,

the dashing dwarf gets dissed by dear old dad,

the high class pimp positions himself near the daughter of the woman who always shunned his advances,

the would be future queen shows kindess to orphans and gets politely scolded for it,

a crow defects to the king beyond the wall,

a fiery zealot harshly deals with infidels,

a shiprecked war veteran brother puts himself back in harm's way to try to talk sense to his witch's pussy whipped brother,

the king of the north returns to his scorched hometown and imprisons his mum there,

a puppy eyed dragon mama sails with her seasick soldiers and goes shopping for baby slaughtering drone warriors while narrowly escaping creepy child with scorpion assassination attempt.*

3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------

rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "Predator" *"Speak mono-Slavic-ally and carry a big stick."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

George Lucas & Ron Howard present: "Willow" *In order to save a red-headed bastard baby, Frodo Skywalker  fellowships a force of ragtags including a Han Solo in Pocahontas drag, an indian in the cupboard Kevin Pollack,  and a wizard lady trapped by spell in the body of a wombat.*  3 stars

rifftrax presents: "Twilight: New Moon" *A frigid, psycho chick gets dumped by her prissy,  older, unhealthy obsession. she then begins having night terrors ruining  the sleep of her closet gay lumberjack dad. next, she begins leading a lovesick  puppydog around on a leash while getting wreckless on a mopad, attempting suicide  for attention and all before going on a sisterhood of traveling pants adventure to a pretentious Anne Rice version of faggy Europe. 1980s teens were awesome. 2000s teens are awful.*  2 stars with riffing 1 star without

---- monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:

"Slaughter High" aka "April Fool's Day"

*These jokers aint' f-f-f-foolin'. They like their drugs, they like their sex, they like their cruel pranks on nerds.

Unlucky for them,  their 10th year class reunion takes place at the now abandoned old high school in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night.

It's the perfect setting for an old dark house horror mixed with Agatha Christie style revenge picture.

This is one of the best episodes of monstervision.

It features a classic 1980s slasher flick, it has the original mail girl, Joe Bob skewers the logic of the TNT censors, and he reads an awkward letter from a male admirer named Rufus.*

3 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------

"A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" *Freddy flew over the cuckoos' nest* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Valerie 23" *Do androids sleep mode with electric wet dreams? 2 be or R2D2? See, I could think of some existential questions to ask my prototype sexbot over a romantic dinner, especially if she were the first sentient being of her kind, and had Hulk strength for no apparently necessary reason.* 2 1/2 stars

Jamie Gillis in "Midnight Heat" 1983 --xxx-- *Rare grime. A gem of a different time. Seedy NYC.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "The Washingtonians" *Patriotic blue hairs set their wooden teeth on edge about the disclosure of that rich colonial tradition of chomping on cherry tastin' child flesh.* 2 stars

Farscape: "Throne for a Loss" *Rigel, the royal pain in the rear.*  3 stars

"Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" uncut *The stigmata of Sigmund Freud, from the makers of 'Scratch it, sniff it, squeeze it, suck it,' now available at finer novelty shops.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "On the Wings of Love" *Hangover cures, hidden secret half-sister, hallelujah for the hard of hearing, hometown beauty pageant queen hitlist, and hoot owl hieroglypics.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:  Randy Quaid in "Parents" *A Norman Rockwell painting hanging on the wall behind the desk at the Bates Motel.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Blood Brothers" *Twelve immortal monkeys* 2 1/2 stars

"Kill List" 2011 -- *This feels like it could be a Garth Ennis story. It has old mates drinking together and shooting the shite about life. It has acts of extreme violence almost to the point  of dark comedy. It has a bleak poignancy. There's also the occult undertones like a Hellblazer comic.* 3 stars

William Hurt in Ken Russell's "Altered States" *Waiting, in a fish-bowl, for Godot.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Chopper" *Stunt motorcycle riding, sword slashing specter with separation anxiety.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Back, and Back, and Back to the Future" *"Psychic Spanish-fly," alien lady combat, genetically structured spy seductress, quantum singularity also known as a blackhole used as a soul saving secret weapon of mass destruction that is seriously in jeopardy of being stolen or accidentally set off."* 3 stars

"The Wind" starring Meg Foster, Wings Hauser, & Steve Railsback *Swept up in stormy solitude and story.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Second Soul" *Lending our dead bodies, like they were used cars, to alien parasites, leads to some serious moral implications. Feels like a 50s style sci fi message about the dangers of multiculturalism given a more progressive twist at the end.* 2 1/2 stars

"Virgin Witch" --sexploitation-- *Prissy Galore throws a feisty spell when a group of dysfunctional devil worshippers decide they really, really fancy her.* 2 1/2 stars

Van Damme / Raul Julia "Streetfighter" *"Who wants to go home, and who wants to go with ME?!" Self aware dumb fun.*  2 1/2 stars

rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "xXx" starring Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, & Asia Argento *Double Ohhh Seven sez, "Do the DEW, dude."* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

[koohiss]

30 years since the last critically acclaimed movie, but only like, 50 or 10 since the last one, depending on how time works, skywalkers are fucking shit up in the galaxy once more...

Luke’s gone, Leia’s still a badass, the heavy metal empire has been replaced with the emo-lite first order, just as much nazi garbage and none of the impressive capes. Instead they have a giant toddler who stomps around and eats shit on a regular basis and jerks off to his grandpa’s dead face, probably. Fucking weeb. This pilot, Poe, who I honestly don’t feel much of a connection to, sorry, is trying to get this old man to give him a map to Luke so he can come kick ass. But the douchelord Kellog’s Frosted Fuckup shows up and shoots everyone, bc uncle issues or something. poe gets captured, but shoves the map into his magic 8 ball, which escapes and finds a random superhuman jedi lady of amazingly ironic ancestry in the middle of, you guessed it, a desert. She’s Rey, and to quote some ghost guy who once got gutted inside a palace’s weird power dungeon murder hole, she’s probably maybe might be the chosen one for real this time, I swear to the force it’s for real this time yoda. Then, this amazeballs stormtrooper, Finn, has morals and courage and heart and all the things they wanted in wizard of oz, and is like, fuck this nazi shit, I’m out, and helps poe escape. Sadly, they crash, and poe apparently dies but really leaves finn to die in a plothole of a scene that someone in the writers room should be really embarassed over. Finn meets rey, and it’s love at first “oh shit”. It’s all meet cute/meet thief for a second, and then shit starts blowing up sideways, there was hand holding and running and “follow me”s and then the girl in white and the guy with the leather jacket get on the falcon and leave the desert planet. Classic. Speaking of classic, being the collector’s machinery that she is, the falcon breaks down and they get caught in a tractor beam of a larger ship, which conveniently Han and Chewie are on. Two gangs show up, the giant squid-tribbles escape, scooby doo mayhem ensues. They get away in the falcon and nope the fuck out. Spooky the gollum wannabe teases Kyle about Han and he acts like a pissbaby, says it’s nothing. Oh, and I guess he surprises everyone because somehow this giant moronic imbecile incompetent failure came from the pure glorious happy love of han and leia. Fuck you jar jar abrams. Fuck you in the eye. With a lensflare. This bullshit. The gang checks the map and realize it’s borked, Han gives the lowdown on “it’s real” and also that some sick asswipe death-murdered the jedi like some moron trilby with anger management issues because his mom cancelled his xbox live account because he wasn’t getting good enough grades at jedi academy due to playing the sith campaign of some shitty remade SW game with a pretty decent plot that every teen boy over analyzes and gets the wrong take away from. Anyways, they go to Takodana and Maz’s epic castle that was never fully explained. For some reason they need her to find the resistance for them, which I’m like, just have Han wave at a holocam for like, 2 seconds and you will find literally almost everyone except luke because he’s pouting over history repeating itself. So naturally while they are all chilling at the castle, the party splits bc Finn is scared and Rey is gonna go home and Han is just like, eyes roll emoji. Who knows where chewie went, they act like he isn’t a character or something. But twist, the big ol space nazis find them. Rey finds a lightsaber (prolly just a family heirloom or smth, nbd) and bolts after having visions of all these epics ass movies and shit. My beloved young padawan super duper force sensitive jedi in training Finn is given the lightsaber, bc even Maz can tell that those two are always gonna watch out for each other and are obvs soulmates and he’s the best bet to get it to Rey, the inheriting granddaughter. (also, didn’t a bunch of little kids get murdered with that at least once, possibly twice???) As they leave, death star 3 and with a much lamer name but really cool lore blows the everloving shit out of coruscant 2.0, killing a few more characters that I was probably more interested in than Kyle’s boring weepy “my parents dont’ accept me for being an edgelord” lame ass backstory. Then the TIE fighters try to wreck my fave dudes with some weak sauce army, but then that same ace pilot who apparently left finn to fucking die, nbd, true love amirite? brings the party to them in an epic callback with improved graphics. Meanwhile, that boring infant Ronald mcdumbass over here shows up and after a let down of a fight (c’mon rey, shoot him!) kidnaps his cousin. Gets all creepy and makes teenagers with poor romance comprehension (not their fault, imo) think it’s love and come up with all this bullshit as to why they aren’t cousins. Sigh. But Rey, light of my life, is stronger than this woobie weeb, and she makes him have to run back to the safety of his darth vader body pillow, while she up and obi wans her way out of this bitch. The theme-swapped leto-joker looking vastly subpar offbrand trashcan may have padme’s hair, but rey has her climb up random shit abilities, which go a lot farther honestly. (they both have her hit and miss fashion taste so at least there’s that in common you goddamned r/los that’s all i will give you) Mr. Hotshot takes everyone back to Resistance HQ and conveniently brings the drama too, since he followed teeny!leias footsteps and lead a superweapon to the not-so-secret-anymore base. Everyone scrambles, finn kinda sorta maybe lies through his teeth a little so he can rescue rey, leia guilts han because apparently no (coughdudecough) director can write a conflicted and damaged woman who also happens to be strong without making her completely subsume to whichever half of the dichotomy is needed for the current scene… They go to death star 3 and prepare to fuck shit up. Specifically by doing things that have never been done before with no guarantee they will survive and sassing each other mercilessly. My babies. They find rey off being her badass self, and then right at the point where everything has to go to shit to make the third act interesting, some motherfucking emo up and kills my geriatric fave. Fuck you, marilyn manson. Fuck you. Chewie takes the logical next step and blows his fucking guts out with a laser crossbow bolt, AND blows the fucking guts out of his fanboy cosplay of the death star, because fuck you that’s why. So that’s how the dramatic “ur up past curfew” conversation goes, because I can never have nice things, no the precious goth boy has to live, apparently my needs aren’t important to multi-trillion dollar entertainment corporations, whatever. The absolute wrench fucker chases my beautiful darlings around the currently imploding fucking doom orb of stupid, and they waste his ass with amazing shows of jedi prowess. Finn fights him first and the bastard cheats with his fucking laser butterfly knife like an ass, and precious finn who has never trained a day in his life for this bullshit can only hold on so long before the cheating bastard takes him down. Then rey, pillar of light and all that is good, curbstomps his ass with the prowling predator walk of her father and grandfather before her. Suck it, ron. She’s the chosen one, bitch. Anyways, so I guess the bombs let fly boy (only) get inside and pew pew up the place enough that it rejoined it’s godforsaken stop-building-death-moons-they-don-t-work ancestors. Old ghastly jazzhands on the demon projector asks the weasley kid to go pick up kyle’s raggedy strung out ass, like I fucking care at this point. Everybody goes home (AKA chewie saves all of your asses because even if you ignore him he’s still a cool dude like that) and they totally gloss over the deaths of characters I care about to give us this arbitrary fucking scene of the golden cock block and ir3cutesty5u the soccerball annoying r2, who magically wakes up and magically doesn’t nuke their inferior asses and instead gives them the stupid fucking map, why do you even need a fucking map, all you need is coordinates, jesus christ it’s space, you can just plug the fucking three axis code into the computer and float ur ass over why is there a goddamn treasure map to safeway just use the damn gps good god. It’s space. With infinite wifi. Rey and chewie go to this bird shit covered island and find luke sulking, probably about getting bird shit on his suede jedi boots or losing his best friend and failing his nephew and sister and and the entire galaxy or something like that and then the movie ends

[rawinternets]

Star Wars: A Rediscovery

INTRODUCTION: How I came to live-blog all nine Star Wars movies.

A few weeks ago, in an overpriced theater not so far, far away... I saw Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi (spoiler re: my feelings but no details yet)...

...and upon exiting the theater, I felt a deep frustration with the entire franchise. It wasn’t just this episode, which I found schizophrenic, swinging wildly from very interesting and good to terribly, horribly bad. I also really disliked Episode 7 as well, and had some major beef with Rogue One.

Sparing you the details of a lot of frivolous introspection, the fact is that I felt the Star Wars franchise had been reduced to a formulaic, revenue-driven enterprise. Disney-ified, if you will. Storytelling, I thought, was long-gone... what remained was a disjointed, uncoordinated, all-hat-no-cattle, decidedly “Hollywood-lite” approach to stamping out blockbusters and counting the money.

But was this really new to the Star Wars franchise? Was it ever any good? Or was it a bunch of mediocre movies benefiting from a nostalgic, childhood aura that had nothing to do with quality?

In these dark and trying times - stress at work, stress in the news cycle, and the Colorado snowpack sitting around 20% of average - I decided to saddle myself with an incredibly effective distraction. I decided to re-watch each and every Star Wars movie, top to bottom. And, crucially, I would take live notes and poll my feelings at each set-piece, not unlike those focus groups during political debates or TV pilots.

After all, what are feelings and opinions without some data to back them up?

What follows are a series of movie reviews - while acknowledging prior thoughts and feelings, I give an honest attempt at seeing these movies anew and freshly, eliminating as much bias as I can muster. I’ll write a few over-arching paragraphs for each movie in the context of my journey, indulge in some analysis including scores over time and histograms, and then share a quick blow-by-blow of each scene and my feelings therein. Get excited and enjoy. SPOILERS AHEAD, ya moron. Watch episode 8 and read.

BUT FIRST...

Let’s talk about the order of the movies. Everyone has an opinion, from George Lucas, to Mark Hamill, to your drunk uncle, to that asshole who plays C-3PO.

Some say you should watch them in order of release date.

Some say you should watch them in order of episode #, or “chronologically” in canon.

Some say you shouldn’t watch Episode 1 at all.

I chose this order:

Rogue One, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8.

Why? This order follows the theory that you should watch 4 first, then 5, which preserves the Darth Vader twist and kicks off the whole thing with “the best two movies.” You then flash back to 1, 2, and 3, which gives you the Vader backstory and ups the stakes for Ep6. And you have to watch Episode 1 - I wanted to see whether and why it was as bad as people say with innocent eyes.

All sounds good. But what about Rogue One? Rogue One kind of perfectly sets up Episode 4. You could also watch it after 6 and before 7, as a kind of palate cleanser and an enricher of the original saga, but I chose to try it this way and I was not disappointed.

I’m writing the first seven reviews (Rogue One thru Ep6 Return of the Jedi) prior to watching the newest two, to make sure I am completely fresh and grounded in reality before giving myself to the Disney Machine: Kathleen Kennedy, JJ Abrams, Rian Johnson, et al’s new chapters.

REVIEW LINKS:

Introduction: Star Wars, a rediscovery. 

Rogue One: 6.92 / 10.00 (stdev 2.06).

Episode 4: A New Hope. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.34).

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.29). 

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 5.00 / 10.00 (stdev 2.08). But probably worse than that, actually.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. 5.48 / 10.00 (stdev 2.07). 

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. 7.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.77). 

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. 7.90 / 10.00 (stdev 1.91). 

Episode 7: The Force Awakens. 6.57 / 10.00 (stdev 2.01). 

Episode 8: The Last Jedi. 6.31 / 10.00 (stdev 1.89). 

Verdict: Star Wars, A rediscovery.