#since ill probably talk ab it in the future

[snows-2am-thoughts]

Dazai Headcanons

I have a few headcanons on how Dazai acted before he came to be in Mori’s care. There are a lot of theories about where Dazai came from and I love most of them honestly. There are so many possibilities about how Dazai came to be and honestly, I need a light novel about it. Unless they’re going to make it important to the plot and it gets revealed in the next arc or sometime later in the manga. 

My favorite theory that I came up with was that Dazai came from a wealthy family. He’s probably the youngest of 2-3 siblings and his parents were the cold and distant but loving type. I like to think that Dazai had a nice family but something happened that pushed him to where he ended up. I am taking inspiration from the protagonist of the No Longer Human book by the irl Dazai Osamu so tread carefully since I will mention some of that stuff. I am trying to keep this one more lighthearted and introspective so some stuff like the se*ual ab*se Ōba Yōzō went through won’t be mentioned. 

Warnings: I talk about ADHD, some implied mental illness along with some trauma because Dazai. All of the warnings that can apply to Dazai should be warned (aka his unaliving tendencies)

Anyways the headcanons

INFANT Dazai (0-1 year old)

Was a quiet baby, never really cried and babbled

It actually worried his parents at first because their other kids made a lot more noise as babies

Only really cried if he got super frustrated when he couldn’t communicate his wants effectively

Did started making noises and saying small words around the 10 month mark

Wasn’t very interested in the baby toys that made noise

Building blocks held his interest a tad bit more but even then he grew out of them fast

TODDLER Dazai (1-3 years old)

Started walking around the 1 year old mark

Still wasn’t a big talker but he would give one or two word answers, he just didn’t feel like any more words were necessary

Would walk and point to things if he could, words once again weren’t necessary

Wasn't very interested in toys the kids his age liked

Did have a small interest in listening to his parents work, mostly because his brain was a sponge soaking up all it could

Taught himself to read around 2.5-3 years old, he would memorize stories that the maids would read to him then open the book himself and memorize the words. Basically he worked backwards to learn to read

With the early reading came the early education once his parents noticed his only interests revolved around his brain

Numbers and the lot came easy after learning the basics

PRESCHOOL Dazai (3-6 years old)

Didn’t really understand people and even more so after starting school and started being around kids his age

He observed and copied the actions of the kids around him to not draw attention to himself (*cough*masking*cough*)

Started to make himself act like more of an outgoing and friendly child even if he didn’t understand why that seemed like the preferred personality that people wanted from children. (aye practice for his future self)

Although he transitioned into his persona slowly as to not raise suspicion of an overnight personality change

Thought that his persona could let him understand people a little more but it made him more confused

He totally gave his teachers so many headaches when he first started school

As I said before, tried to mask and hide his intelligence for a while because he didn’t need any attention on him

This failed as he got way too bored of sorting shapes and numbers but he was already reading at a 16 year old skill level at 6 years old

His teachers tried stimulating his academically until they deemed it was better to just move him up grades

Went from his 6 year old class to a class filled with 9 year olds to test the waters

They had to move him to a 12 year old class only a few days later when he made multiple children cry after a multiplication game

SCHOOL AGE (6-12 years old)

You will have to physically rip ADHD Dazai away from my cold dead hands, I stg (I could do a whole separate headcanon for this because him and Ranpo basically make up AuDHD)

I feel like around his 7-8 year old mark is when he really started going tired around the uninteresting things of life, he’s a severely bored kid who doesn’t understand nor have a will to live

I do think around 10-11 is when he started getting interested in suicide as a coping mechanism for all the intricacies of humanity that he did not understand and the fact he started realizing he didn’t have a reason to live

At this point he’s observed people for so long that the masks he parades around of a cheerful but academically gifted child is concrete and there’s hardly anything that can make him break it

Knows why and how people feel certain emotions or react a certain way to things but he doesn’t understand it, not really

There's an ever bigger disconnect between him and people from when he was small that he starts to think of himself as something other than human

Had a bunch of issues trying to stimulate his brain in a way that would take away his boredom as school couldn’t do it for him

While he couldn’t ever really take away his boredom completely, he would take up new puzzles or games to try and give his brain new things to think about. I’m talking like the 3D crystal puzzles or the puzzles with no edge pieces

Anything that could capture his attention was bought in bulk until he eventually got bored of it again (neurodivergent child)

Started taking university level courses around 11, he probably could’ve taken them sooner but his teachers and parents didn’t want to overload them

[raincamp]

08 03 2023

my (very comfortably platonic) FP has been talking about breaking up with her girlfriend and my BPD-ass brain can't help but start imagining a future where we're romantic with each other now that there's a little tiny sliver of a chance of it happening.

and honestly im pissed about it. i don't want to think about it. i mean, the idea feels nice, of course it does, she's one of my FPs and any chance at having a closer relationship with a FP is going to be welcomed with open arms. but the sane, stable, recovery-focused part of me is satisfied with what we have, i like being just her best friend. its predictable, comfortable, and safe.

i cant help it though, it feels intrusive. and i want it to stop, tbfh, considering we're going to be living together soon. i cant spend any time with her without those kinds of thoughts coming up at some point, especially when we're cuddling or something. yk, normal close platonic relationship shit.

what makes this even more complicated is that we have dated before. it was a long time ago, like, 7 years ago at this point, sometimes we both forget that it even happened, but its still a part of our history. we loved each other. and the only reason it didn't work out was because i was a child and had undiagnosed BPD symptoms starting to emerge.

we're stable now though, we know how to keep our relationship stable because we both work equally hard, and we both want to work equally hard, we've had our shitty past and now that we've both grown, she has the understanding that it's going to be harder than other friendships because of my disorder and she still works as hard as i do because we both care that much and it. works.

which is why i cant let it go, i cant help but think about whether or not we could try again. whether or not it would work this time. but she's the only fully stable relationship i have in my life, why would i risk it just to prove a hypothesis

idk, maybe because i'm dumb and need attention and love and validation?

im fighting with myself at this point. and i really just need to shutup and pretend that im not curious about what it would be like, and pretend like i don't and haven't always had feelings for her. it will go away eventually right? i hope so. i feel like im betraying her trust sometimes. i cant help but fall helplessly in love with any available person who gives me the slightest bit of validation though, its not necessarily either of our faults.

actually, yk what, i think i could probably talk to her about it and it would be ok. especially since i dont have the intention of acting on it. we'd be able to work something out. it'd probably be better than trying to hide it, and im sure she'd understand given the nature of my disorder. fuck im actually so lucky that i have this sort of friendship with her that im 98% confident that me having romantic feelings for her, and me sharing these with her, wouldn't impact our friendship in any way. i dont know many people that could claim that of their friends.

ill probably wait until everything with her gf blows over first though. itd probably be better just to make sure she's not stressed ab anything else rn

- andrew

[karatekid1]

hi guysss its been a while, these days i usually just come on here if something big has happened and i dont really have anyone to tell so i just share it on tumblr. SOOOO a LOT of thing has happened since i last posted on here, when was it, like april? its october now, ive been sick for literally a month idek what it is but ive missed so much school its actually insane. anyway, me and the guy i was w yk, i broke up with him in like may, so ive actually been single since then, or like single single. Ive done things w people but not like been in a relationship w anyone, theres been a few actually, me and this guy H didnt work out, he used to bully me in high school and then suddenly out of nowhere he was in love with me? idek, omg heartstopper season 3 came out, it was so different from the other seasons, but i liked it. anyway back to my stupid guys. hmmm i reconnected w a guy from church who i used to be friends with a few years ago, we were friends for like 2 weeks then he told me i was wierd and that it wouldnt work, so yeah, and THEN i went to a party last week and i met this guy there, he was friends with my friends boyfriend, he was a year older than me tho, his name was Jonathan and we had a lot of fun together there, we kinda ended up sleeping together, and then we said bye and now i found out hes the son to my uncles best friend, like wtf are the odds,. ANYWAY i also got to know this other guy, he's so cool he plays the guitar and hes really fun, we go to the same school. Ive followed him on instagram and commented on his posts where he plays guitar, and then two weeks ago he just walked up to me in the cafeteria and said "omg its my biggest fan" and i straight up said "who the fuck are you" and then he explained and i was so confused cuz i didnt know we even went to the same school, and bc he didnt show his face on instagram so i didnt know whzt he looked like. anyway so weve been texting a lot, today hes gonna help change my guitar strings. OMFG WE'RE LITERALLY AUSTIN AND ALLY IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE. he sings and plays guitar, and i play piano and write songs, i mean i can play the guitar and drums too but still. and he was like "bring your guitar to school and ill help you fix it, then you can play for everyone there on the little stage" like bro wtf is this disney channel moment. but yeah he was joking but still, then we talked ab my job OMFG I HAVENT TOLD YOU GUYS, yeah i work at mcdonalds and we were texting about that and he was like "you should bring your guitar and play there to get some extra money" and i was like hahaha yeah on my breaks. and then he was like "i can come and play with you" LIKE OKAY? AUSTIN MOON IS THAT YOU`? but yeah so thats him, uuhhhhhh i dont think ive missed anything, or i probably have, but i cant post like a whole book as my tumblr life update post, no one even cares ab these, tbh theyre mostly for me to look back on how stupid i was, so hi future me reading this. anyway im sick again if i didnt mention, so now im just gonna be in my bed and watch like henry danger or smthn, see you guys in like another six months, or no actually i usually update more in the winter bc i always get depressed, anyway, bye for now guys

[softjaeyvn]

August 9, 2024 | 1:21am

heyyy,, sooo its been a minute since i last updated my blog and 2023 has been a wild year with a lot of ups and downs, but im not really gonna talk about those stuff tonight.

today and the past few days has been kinda hard for me despite being on break from school. idk if i told you guys but i passed (well, reconsidered) my dream university! ust has always been the dream for me and never in a million years would i have traded it for anything. i was both excited and anxious on moving to schools, the expectations, the new environment, the people, and the overall culture. you can’t imagine the happiness i felt when i got accepted here in ust. many times during the reconsideration process i have felt on giving up but i pursued with it just to get in to my dream university.

now, i’m currently in my senior year of high school (yahoo) and ill soon be graduating ust-shs! ever since i was a kid, i had my eyes on which dream profession i would pursue when i grow up. but lately, i became undecisive on which course i’ll take in college. since i’m really into photography and filming, i kinda wanna take ab communication arts and my friends also adviced me to take ab comm instead of bs tourism since ab comm is more broad when it comes to picking your job in the future and i read that you don’t really have to take bs tourism to become a flight attendant so all roads lead me to ab comm right? but the reason i’m conflicted between these two is because of (1) most of my friends that is my blockmates are leaning towards bs tourism. so if i take ab comm, i would probably have to make new friends again. but there’s also a part of me that wants to distance myself from them since i had trauma with most of my blockmates. mostly because they don’t cooperate much and only do the tasks last minute and i dont like doing last minute works, (2) i researched the subjects from ab comm and bs tourism and compared them from one another. im nervous for thesis writing which ab comm has on 2nd year up until 3rd? i think. anyways, im not really that good in research and my last research took a toll on me bc of how incompetent my groupmates were. one even had the audacity to use chatgpt to search for our theoretical framework AND didn’t show up during the defense day. and lastly (3) my ate graduated from the same course (ab comm) with latin honors (cum laude) and that just makes me want to achieve latin honors too. no one’s really pressuring me to achieve anything and its mostly just me putting pressure on myself to do well so that i can match the efforts and achievements my relatives had. idk but to me, if i don’t achieve something in the course taken by one of my relatives before, i would think i’m not working hard enough and that i’m a failure. if i apply for ab comm then that pressure would be put onto me by myself. i don’t want to become a shadow of one of my relatives that graduated with latin honors just because i enrolled the same course as her and couldn’t match her achievements. all im saying here is that i’m insecure of how smart my family is and im not. they all achieved something in life while im just here. existing.

These conflicts about my course in college just scratch the surface on why i’m ranting right now. since i’m already a senior, i’m entitled to take all the cets from the big 4 universities. upcat was the first among the four that opened its doors for admissions, of course i wouldn’t miss the chance to apply so i did. as i’m writing this, it would only be 1 day left till i take upcat. i’m already getting burnt out because i wasted my time goofing around instead of reviewing for this. i asked for reviewers from my friend that attended a review session today and watched some of its lecture videos then got to answering a mock test. idk what i was honestly expecting what my grade would be but i was surprised that i got only a 30% and that is definitely not good. i know that that’s what i get for not reviewing enough but i was still somehow disappointed with it.

now, this wouldn’t really be a big of a deal for me since i’m only taking the test for added experience, im already thankful that i got accepted in ust. i just think of it as bragging rights for when i do pass. it’s honestly rewarding to see a “congratulations” on the screen and people would immediately think you’re so smart because you passed one of the most hardest to pass cets in the country.

why am i ranting over this? you might ask. ever since i got enrolled here in ust, the tuition fee is not a joke. 50k for one semester, that would equal to 100k for just one school year. now, i know that this is the consequence for enrolling in a prestigious university but the desire to get into my dream university blinded me from these kinds of things. now that i’m in my senior year, the fees increased by 4% and went from 50k to 60.5k for one semester. and that really took a toll in both me and my mom’s finances. we already applied for a voucher from peac since the start of my junior year but it has still yet to be applied so my mom is still paying full installments for my tuition fee. we also recently applied for a scholarship from our local city to try and somehow get discounted prices for my tuition. but, if my application doesn’t get approved, i will probably say goodbye to ust sooner.

When i was still choosing on what university ill go to for shs and college, staying in ust wasn’t really my plan at all. in fact, i thought that i’ll just take shs in ust and then transfer universities after. but that changed when i experienced what it’s like to become a thomasian to the point where i grew fond of the campus and lore and even the people that are just so so friendly and welcoming. i didn’t wanna leave so soon. i don’t want to suddenly leave after just 2 years of staying there. i want ust to become my second-home up until i graduate college.

my mom has been urging me to review and do well for upcat because it’s a state university and doesn’t have tuition fees (they probably still have but lower compared to ust) and given our current financial situation, she badly wants me to pass upcat. but i don’t really see myself in that institution and i just don’t think i have the mental capacity to pass that exam. now, its putting pressure on me because i might lose my chance of staying in ust in college, this might be my last year in ust and being a tomasino; or i might lose my mind if i ever do pass upcat and become an isko for college. i’ve already heard stories from seniors that they got delayed from graduating at up because of how hard it is to study there, and their thesis there are supposedly individual work which just goes back to my rant over me being conflicted with my course to take in ust (i hate research and im scared of thesis).

i honestly would love to study in up but im just being realistic with myself, i may bite more than what i can chew but that doesn’t mean i’m over optimistic to myself. i don’t want to have an expectation brought unto me just because im studying in ust or up. i really do hope i get the chance to stay in ust because i can’t see myself in any other university other than ust. ust has only been my home for a year and it has been a life-long dream to study here. i have yet to experience many thomasian traditions and i don’t wanna leave just yet.

ps: it’s been 2 days since treasure’s 4th anniversary! im really proud of them. i probably wouldn’t be the person i am today if i haven’t met them

[namuneulbo]

week sixty-four

this week. woah. it was......... a lot.

well, to start off... i have a crush on v. i figured this out on monday and since then its gotten so severe lol. monday to friday was spent thinking ab him and also apparently not hiding it very well from l. ill come back to this later but this entire chapter will for sure be ab him and also in sm detail.

ive kind of talked a lot ab him and just my “new friends” in general a lot w l and my mom. i think my mom even has suspicions that i like either d or v (bc i talk ab them the most prob).

i started spamming n, s and t and also i, m and t ab him. i wont be able to cover what i told them all individually but n def received the most detailed info yet only one pic (WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY EMBARRASSING ONE I TOOK ON BEREAL WHEN IT CUT EVERYONE OUT AND THEIR POSES SO IT WAS JUST HIM NOT POSING AAAAA I FEEL LIKE A MOM WHO TAKES PICS OF HER KIDS WO CONSENT TT). i talked A LOT w s ab him too and w t i just spammed quickly on monday/tuesday i think, i cant bother checking. when i told i, m and t they immediately asked for a pic and i was scared theyd bully me lol but they said hes solid WOO! s approved of him too, saying the nail polish and his guitar made him seem very much like my type.

ill give u all who might be reading this a lil description of his pros. i would say a reminder to future me as well but yk maybe we end up together so :* heres what weve got so far:

- hes taller than me.

- has a niiiiiice voice.

- nice sense of style. its like basic as in plain colors (pretty much only black, hell wear white sweaters or super dark colors). it looks so good.

- hes a metalhead (+ we have two bands in common, ghost and polyphia).

- piercingssss!

- hes so talented, like he can play guitar, drums AND piano flawlessly.

- hes funny.

now to his cons: he’s not fully single. so. um. idk if theyre dating or in a situationship or just talking but its something for sureeee.

i dont ever want to like, break them up on purpose or like make moves on him while theyre talking bc im not a fucking douchebag. it is quite sad seeing them together though. i cant help but dislike the girl hes w a bit even though i dont want to, shes really cool and gorgeous and nice im just so O_o

on wednesday we had band class and i was MESMERIZED. he had a concert that same day so he was dressed up in a navy button-up, black jeans cuffed over a black pair of chelsea boots. i had to leave a couple times during practice bc i had to practice harmonies w the singers and i remember literally feeling sad ab not being able to stare at him playing the piano so perfectly.

in the evening i went out to the bar for the weekly music quiz they do. i went w a, c and v at first but later on d and p joined (not dan and phil sadly). i was super awkward lol but it was my first time hanging out w just them and it felt so,,,, new to me. im glad i did it though, ig? i got to see him even if it was awkward. also, i think d has my old backpack that i left to a thrift shop. its a floral pattern w black faux leather details and gold buttons. its quite cute and it fits him really well.

i did eventually warm up a bit but nothing crazy.

i was already comfy around c but after wednesday, i was also comfy around d. he was so nice that i even questioned if i liked him as well but turns out i was probably really desperate TT i tend to never be interested in ANYONE when i like someone and thats really obvious now. even though my chances w v r low, i still deleted all my dating apps and stuff bc i dont have the desire to go on them as of rn.

on friday i had been CRAVING a party to go to all day. i was just waiting for someone to send a message saying “yo, party at vs place!”. we usually party at his place. i literally ranted to my mom ab how bad i was hoping for someone to throw a party and this wasnt even just bc of getting to see v but i was genuinely so socially starved. finally, around 19:30 id say, someone sends a message in the class gc telling everyone ab a party at his place. i immediately message l begging for them to come w me and even saying if they dont, ill go either way bc i want to go so bad. they end up declining and i go to the party myself. i get ready in a few minutes, just fixing my day-old makeup and eating and drinking water and stuff so i wont throw up the second i drink alcohol. i was so quick and i was walking w such speed around the house so i think my mom has probably started to connect the dots now that theres someone i like bc im never that excited ever. i leave along w my mom who took the dog out for a walk. since v lives so nearby she walked w me pretty much the entire way.

id never usually be this confident but i had been talking w s the entire day and she hyped me up SO much. i actually love her sm for that. i arrive there, v throws down his keys from the balcony, i catch them and go up to his apartment. i was a tad bit quiet in the beginning but i really tried to force myself to just relax and look cool and i did after a little while. we blasted metal and one of the first things they did was that everyone of them, c, d and v, went out for a smoke so i joined in even though i dont smoke but i enjoyed the lil passive smoking sesh on the tiny balcony, stuck behind d and v.

(bereal just went off, vs so cute).

anyways, i quite quickly felt more relaxed, i kinda forced myself to sit more,, relaxed and stop fidgeting and i got more included in the convo by queueing songs to play. i first asked v to queue kingslayer by bmth and babymetal and he was super excited ab it so i was so glad he liked it. we listened to it on a party a whileeee ago and i remember being so excited ab the fact that he liked that song too. a had arrived by now and hes v good to have there in that sense that he will make me join in the convo somehow if i havent talked in a while. he made me queue another song and i queued drowning lessons by mcr. i was so caught by surprise and i always get so shit at using tech shit and the internet in front of ppl, idk why, so v started guiding me on what buttons to press TT i hadnt thought of drowning lessons in the first place actually but i just kind of naturally went w mcr for some reason and then ended up choosing my fav song by them. we listened to it and v was like “DID HE JUST VOICE BREAK???” and i was like “oh, maybe? i mean its their first album so the mixing and recording might be a bit shit” and he replayed the part and was like “THERE IS A VOICE BREAK!” and c started explaining to him in distress that its just how u sing punk TT after a while v was like “its still going? how long is it?” and checked and it was right before the outro and i was like “waittt, we havent gotten to the best part yet!” and he leaves it and the breakdown comes and he does a stankface and just looks at me like “oh, a breakdown ending, hell yeah!” and i was so happy haha

last song i queue is taking you out by passcode. as i was typing it v read out what i was typing and kept guessing songs, heh, it was so cute. he asked me ab the band and stuff and then said like “oh, she growls really well for a woman” and the proceeds to elaborate in distress that he didnt mean it in a misogynistic women-cant-growl type of way but in a its-genuinely-harder-for-a-woman-to-do-metal-growls. it was quite cute, he tends to do that a lot, like overexplaining things so ppl dont think hes being a dickhead even though he says very normal things TT its so cute and it really shows that he cares.

i mentioned that i was ab to start learning growling w my vocal teacher and how she also said she wants to get the singer of finntroll to come and teach growling to me (WHICH IS SO COOL???). v was like “oh my god, im also ab to practice growling w my vocal teacher” and then when i told him ab the singer of finntroll thing he got so excited and just “what??? for real??? thats so cool???” and proceeds to be like “omg, when ur w him tell him uve got a friend who wants to have a lesson w him too” and c joins in and says the same. i felt so cool in that moment haha

me, c and d went out to go meet the ppl from school who had been touring all week. before we left i went to pee and literally on the toilet i was smiling sm bc i felt so comfy and happy and all that in that moment like, i was talking to him??? and he was talking back???? and he smiled???? he wanted to talk to me????? i did a lil happy jump sesh after i washed my hands. then otw to school, me, c and d were jumping around and running and yelling. them bc they were drunk, me bc i was so excited abt finally feeling comfy w them + obviously getting to talk to v successfully after crushing so hard on him the past week. i was so happy too bc i finally felt like i kind of belong. i felt for the first time true that like “oh my god, they dont hate me!”. so while meeting the ppl at school i was sooooo happy and like greeting everyone and just smiling and feeling so cool and included and aaaaaaa i was so happy i cant even explain it. c and d r the coolest ppl ever!!!

we went back w s + we left d behind for a bit, sorry d!! now this was when i was truly connecting the dots between s and v. partypooper. i did tag along to the bar w all of them afterwards though. i just went by my place to eat something and get my id.

i arrived to the bar and i sat down next to c at first but later moved next to d so i could sit on the couch. me and c went to buy drinks and then d left to go smoke. there was an awkward space between me and v so i tried to subtly move closer to him and later when d came back he just sat in the spot i sat earlier so i sat between him and v.

more ppl arrived and i ended up becoming squished between d and v. NOW THIS. this changed me as a whole human being. i have been terrified of men all my life and w not specific reason bc the thing is that its not rooted in like, being scared that theyll do something, i just genuinely get more tense around men than women. this moment was so, special to me and not just bc i was squished next to v and our arms and legs were in constant touch but like, i got this kind of realization that, maybe i dont need to be nervous. like, theres nothing to worry ab. i trust d and v. theyre really nice. d i was already comfy w since wednesday and v i just that evening got comfy w. although i am touch deprived i really just,,, felt so happy, safe and relaxed in a group if people, in the middle of two men. i didnt feel the need to fidget out of nervousness and stuff. i was just, calm.

v looks over at me and asks me how drunk im planning to get. he himself says he wants to be so drunk he throws up. i jokingly reply saying i dont want to throw up. he starts showing me a scale w his hands, going down from ten and giving each level its own name so like “this is throw up drunk, this is like this and this is that...” and i end up saying i wanna get slighty above drunk and hes just like “so like a six?” and i nod. he says something along the lines of “thats cool, thats solid”.

later a girl sits next to d and begins talking w her. he starts whispering w v over my lap and i just sit there laughing awkwardly, hoping someone would notice and laugh w me as well. they dont talk for too long but they do this again later and talk for like two minutes straight over my lap and i just use this time to admire vs back and his ear piercings. d apologises and i chuckle and tell him its fine and that i didnt mind (i really did not bc i am truly so touch-starved). d later tells me ab this girl and bc of the music he has to really be close to my ear and talk w me. we talk like that for a while and he says hes glad i understand his situation. long story short, this girl had apparently been trying to flirt w him even though he has a girlfriend. i think he handled the situation really well.

v once again looks over at me, this time as were both kind of resting against the booth, bodies facing each other. he just asked how i was feeling today but it felt so intimate and i was savoring the conversation and eye contact as much as i could. i told him that i was really craving social interaction today so i was really glad i could tag along w them. he acted a bit funnily so i asked him how drunk he was. he said he feels a bit sick. idk why but that convo was so :’) i am TREASURING it.

him and s decided to leave, making almost everyone else leave. i stayed for a bit w a and c and some other unknown ppl but decided to leave after a bit. while me, a and c went out when they went to smoke i saw a bunch of ppl from both elementary and middle school. d, l, n and t. i was kind of hoping one of them wouldve noticed me earlier while i was w v and all the others so they could be like “omg shes sitting next to two guys, i wonder if shes dating anyone of them” or like “omg she has such cool friends now”.

okay, thats all on friday. saturday however, i met up w l for a bit, i tell them ab my crush on v. i sit them down, hold their hands and keep eye contact.

“so on wednesday we had a conversation on tiktok and i talked ab how boy obsessed i am feeling these days, right?”

they continue looking at me, asking me if this is ab e. i dont tell them yet.

“so after i said that, u said ‘well as long as its not d or v bc ik theyre the only friends we have but i assure u there r better alternatives’”

they begin staring at me in shock and yell:

“l! not them, omg! which one is it- no, wait. let me guess... d?”

i look at them for a bit before replying: “its not d.”

“ITS V? L, NO U CANT!” and they kick me as im laughing so hard im falling of the bed.

“IT IS! i have a fucking crush on v!”

we talk ab this for a while and i tell them ab friday and all that and it was sm fun lol

after me and l ahd hung out i went out to a proper party held at school. like dancing-beer-pong-bar kind of party. i met d and some others outside of the enterance and say hi. i then go inside and immediately meet c and c. they bring me to the dance floor and shows me where all the drinks r and everything. i see v playing beer pong. i dont like dancing at all so i join for a bit but leave soon enough. i sit and talk w a for a while. when v sat down on the same couch i was in i told a who was sitting on the other side that she could sit down on the couch properly instead of just sitting on the armrest and so she did and my evil plan worked, i got to move even closer to v. after a while it was finally our turn to play beer pong, we played w just water though. it was my first time playing and i was in the same team as a. she was so good? we played again v and two others. it was so humilating to play against v but my team won thanks to a. she was really awesome. during our last cup, v tried distracting me by hovering his hands over the cup but it literallyt made me aim better bc i could look at his hands TT he only distracted me w his hands and never a.

i left after s arrived to the party bc i got so sad seeing her w v lol but i was overwhelmed by the party anyways lol

sotw: bring me the horizon - alligator blood

[vanityloves]

reject false icons, bestie!

[fideidefenswhore]

🔥 Jane Seymour’s and Henry’s relationship.

Bad. 

The ‘good’ is limited to him asking for ‘fat quails’ for her while she was with child , allowing her some very limited charity during the same (all religious institutions that he nevertheless closed within a few years), and, (this might be a stretch), saying “it is thought we should not go further than 60 miles from her” during the same (except that ‘it is thought’ sounds rather like medical advice) . 

Ill-omened, almost? I know AB was not exactly popular, but it's miles and miles and miles of interesting to me that Tudors S2 portrays a failed assasination that actually ends up killing a yeoman during her coronation, when it was pageants for Jane the week of her official announcement as Queen that featured a literal accidental death case.

But that's just an aside. I'm tired enough of the 'you just think that because you're an AB stan' when it's like...no? I think that because of all the evidence. I'm a very analytical person, and once I've laid out all the evidence in a list, I draw my conclusions from that. To say ‘we can’t know’ because we only have a year of evidence seems like a cop-out to me, honestly... a) I think a year is enough to parse the true nature of a relationship, b) there actually is a fair amount of evidence that speaks to what this relationship was like, it just doesn’t paint a rosy picture (mainly, due to his lack of regard for her).

Considering she was Queen, it is quite instructive that Elizabeth Seymour asks Cromwell to intercede for her (even going so far as to write “I am the bolder to sue herein, and will sue to no other” ), not her sister, and that Mary asks Cromwell to intercede for her, not her “dearest mother” (both, in matters of finances). It suggests that Jane had little to no pull with Henry. 

I don't pay attention to material goods when assessing a royal marriage so much unless there seems a stark difference between a queen and her predecessor. With very few exceptions, all queens were materially taken care of, I have no doubts that Jane ever wanted (materially) for anything as Queen, I'm sure she had a sumptuous wardrobe, etc. That doesn't mean shit to me. There is so much more to how someone is treated by their spouse. This? Was a shit-show.

I am also, since this unpopular opinions meme, sick to death of this relationship being airbrushed because oh, *clutches heart* but he revered her memory! Jane did not get to experience much, if any, of that reverence in life. How he 'revered her memory’ is irrelevant outside of the dynastic image he wanted to present. History ‘fridged’ her, but history enthusiasts continue that by engaging in all the stereotypes that go along with that phenomenon.

I will preface this list with the caveats that probably most of my mutuals know, that ambassadors were not always reliable, that they were often playing the telephone game, that Cromwell (the secondary source for many of these I'm about to list) was a rather slippery figure, certainly not incapable of lying. However, I'm going to add that so many of these are corroborated by multiple sources, and that by the law of averages, at least some of them must have been true. Furthermore, that his insults towards her even passed to these ears in the first place suggests that they were given with an audience, and that humiliating her was thus not an issue or consideration for Henry. Even if only a few of these are true, it is a few too many.

I hear that, even before the arrest of the Concubine, the King, speaking with Mistress Jane Semel of their future marriage, the latter suggested that the Princess should be replaced in her former position; and the King told her she was a fool

+

 people speak variously of the King; and it will not pacify the world when it is known what has passed and is passing between him and Mrs. Jane Semel [...] for he has been going about banqueting with ladies

+

After speaking to the Queen, the King, who had been talking to the other ladies, approached, and wished to excuse her, saying I was the first ambassador to whom she had spoken, and she was not accustomed to it (1)

+

and the matter [against the Princess Mary] proceeded so far that, in spite of the prayers of this Queen, which he rudely repulsed, the King called the judges to proceed according to law to the inquest and first sentence which is given in the absence of the parties.

+

The coronation of this Queen has been delayed till after Michaelmas. Suspicious persons think it is to see if she shall be with child; and, if not, and there is danger of her being barren, occasion may be found to take another. I am told on good authority that this King will not have the prize of those who do not repent in marriage; for within eight days after publication of his marriage, having twice met two beautiful young ladies, he said and showed himself somewhat sorry that he had not seen them before he was married.

+

When the secretary came to [the King] with letters from the Signory addressed to him and the Queen in congratulation on their marriage, he was rewarded for his pains with reproaches, the King telling him [....] that the Venetians were very boastful, and were not Christians but worse than infidels [....] though all this was said in laughter, still the secretary did not take it well, and desired to know the cause which moved the King to break out in such a manner, but he could get no answer. (2)

I’ll finally add commentary for this one, I think most of these speak for themselves, but this is a very odd response to a foreign dignitary congratulating a king on his marriage. I never see this covered in Tudor books, either. 

(These-- (1) and (2) are the only records of response we have from Henry on the congratulations, and on both accounts-- 1) ushering her away, 2) berating the congratulator, they’re strange AF

Also, that Jane never had an audience with this secretary, given the sequential nature of events, it seems like Henry did not like the prospect of her speaking to another representative after he thought she had gone to far politically with Chapuys. Compare it to three years prior:

On the 21st received the Signory's missives of the 24th May. Had audience of the King this morning and thanked him for the love he bears the State, and did the like by the Queen, who said she knew that God had inspired his Majesty to marry her, and that he could have found a greater personage than herself, but not one more anxious and ready to demonstrate her love towards the Signory.)

Anyway, back to the timeline:

On leaving the company I took Cromwell apart, who assured me [...] the King had lately told him [...] he doubted whether he should have any child by the Queen

+

The Queen's coronation which was to have taken place at the end of this month is put off till next summer, and some doubt it will not take place at all.  There is no appearance that she will have children. The delay of the coronation will do no harm except that the coming of the Princess to Court is put off till it takes place

Well, Mary came to Court in October and later December, and, if memory serves, after that in limited capacities. All were before any coronation, so if this was the reason given to Chapuys for the delay of Mary coming to court, it seems he was being lied to (by Cromwell? Henry himself? another of his informants? who can say/history’s mysteries), or lying himself, or this was his ‘best guess’ (but it does suggest that Mary was maybe promised she would come to Court earlier, which ties in with how often she writes that she wishes to hear of her father and stepmother, letters about how long it’s been since she's seen them last /heard from them...again, the ‘reconciliation’ seems very superficial, all things considered)

+

At the beginning of the insurrection the Queen threw herself on her knees before the King and begged him to restore the abbeys, but he told her, prudently enough, to get up, and he had often told her not to meddle with his affairs, referring to the late Queen, which was enough to frighten a woman who is not very secure. (1A)

+

The King and the Queen are in good health

Innocuous, yes? Well, it’s almost never ‘the king and queen are merry’, except at Christmas, and 2), while Jane is with child, and 3) the same. Worth note. 

+

Hears the queen of England said to the King that perhaps God permitted this rebellion for ruining so many churches; to which he replied by telling her to attend to other things, reminding her that the last Queen had died in consequence of meddling too much with State affairs. (1B)

+

Is told that there shall be a parliament at York and the Queen shall be crowned there.

Yeah, I don’t seen this brought up much (except in that horrific Ray Winstone miniseries/film [?]), but if Jane truly did sympathize with the rebels, this is particularly heinous; she was either asked to lie flatout to pacify the malcontents or lied to herself for that purpose, and its eventual--bloody--result. 

Promised to Aske himself:

The King is gracious sovereign lord to me and has affirmed his liberal pardon to all the North, by mouth. For further news: his grace has despatched the duke of Norfolk northwards and intends to hold Parliament and have the Queen crowned at York

Proclaimed, by Aske himself, to English subjects:

His Grace, for the love he bears to this country, intends to keep Parliament at York and have the Queen crowned there.

And by others, believing:

Parliament and Convocation are appointed to be at York at Whitsuntide and the coronation of the Queen the same time

And maybe Jane herself believed. Starkey believes she was knowingly complicit in the "fair words and deceit” against those that were soon to be arrested for their part in the uprising, but given that this comes after she had been warned not to ‘meddle’ in political affairs, I doubt that confidence would have been shared by Henry. 

and has pondered your petitions and intends to hold Parliament over them at York and to have the Queen crowned, as his Grace declared by mouth to me.

+

I marvel that you assemble the commons, seeing the King's own mouth declared to Robert Aske how he intended to keep Parliament and the coronation of the Queen at York

+

Seeing what the ambassador in England writes of the unlikelihood of the King having children by the present queen [...]

+

Md. to entreat my lord of Rutland to get the Queen to sue to the King for my life, that I may all my life lament my offences and serve God.

My son Marmaduke to labour to lord Beauchamp to intercede with the Queen for my life.

Robert Constable, who wrote the above, was executed one month later. 

Besides this, Henry seems to have been living in separate households for several months before, and then throughout, her confinement? Which is strange, I don’t know what the explanation could be for that. He said he would be in Windsor with her in October [1537], and it seems he was. Skidmore said we should not ‘judge him too harshly’ for saying that if Jane didn’t recover in [x] amount of days he was going to leave, and if she did recover, he was going to leave, but, ah...I do and I shall.

There is some skepticism that the coronation was deliberately delayed, excuses given, etc. Yet this was not only the contemporary belief, but the belief sworn 20+ years later, “I take to witness Christ, Who shall judge the quick and the dead, that I am about to speak the truth:

Some days afterwards, when the landlord returned from the Court, before anyone asked him a question he called out with a loud voice, 'I have news to tell you.' The guests anxiously waited to know what he had to say, whereupon he added, that within a few days the King would be betrothed and shortly afterwards would be married, but without any state, in the presence of the Councillors only; for he wished to delay the coronation of his new spouse until he should see whether she would give birth to a boy.

She also, who succeeded your mother, and who gave an heir male to the King, died, (as I have before mentioned) in childbirth. As she was near her last breath she was crowned  ”

There’s no contemporary report that affirms the last, but God, if it’s true, that that was his last act towards her in life, really speaks volumes to the nature of their relationship. 

[rxttenfish]

SUPER super late. but. please talk to me ab liam de lioncourt for the redesign. he is my <3 and i am literally so content starved AFCHDHDGXG

no worries! you can send me asks about the redesigns at any time - this is very much a long term project for me, as i've been working on it... well over a year, honestly!

likewise, it helps me pace myself and not burn out, since i've been holding onto this ask for a few days because life has been rough. there's a lot to get through still and a lot to still work out, so even though i've been providing big blocks of text, i still consider any redesign other than merfolk to still be in its infancy!

so! vampires!

vampirism as it is, is a magical virus. it's adapted most specifically to humans, but it has made the jump to other mammalian sapients before. the werewolves are the second most common species to be affected other than humans, and catfolk are the third. (i'll probably add more mammalian sapient species in the future, but they'll likely be lower in number than the other two anyways, and werewolves are just genetically the closest to humans).

it's pretty hard-locked to mammals though, normal for a virus to have a preferred host, so merfolk and gorgons are naturally immune, and it requires a living host, so ghosts and resurrected undead are going to also be safe, and it's specifically biological in origin with magic adaptations, so entirely magically constructed species like demons are immune too.

it's passed either from blood-to-blood contact, or through vampire saliva coming in contact with blood. even when infection occurs, the infected person might still simply pass away due to the illness, instead of becoming a new vampire. the likelihood of surviving is somewhat higher among innate/native magic users, as magic's most common role in the body is to bolster the immune system.

now, this is a virus which has magical adaptations to a degree, and when it infects a host that magic starts to be seen. because it follows suit with other viruses in modifying the host to better pass on the virus to something else, be it behaviorally or physically. and, because this is a magical virus, it can do some things that normal viruses just can't do.

namely, it will literally modify the body. the nature of magic means that it picks up on traces of the environment its surrounded by, slightly modifying the magic and how it behaves when it is used - so vampirism will usually end up modifying the host in ways similar to certain animals around them, and especially animals that may have carried it as a vector. mosquitoes, dogs, cats, rats, fleas, leeches, and, yes, bats, are all common, but because magic is weird, the new bodily changes seldom... mesh well together. this is where a large portion of new vampires die, as the virus is basically regurgitating a transformation onto them without consideration as to what the host's anatomy is supposed to be or how it is supposed to function. it has some consistent themes, however, in usually focusing around the mouth and modifying the digestive system to be capable of ingesting blood.

this comes with a new compulsion to try and eat blood. and i do mean compulsion when i say that - while there are certainly vampires that have been impacted in a bad enough way to make eating their usual diet difficult to impossible, most vampires can still eat what they've always been eating! in fact, the virus doesn't ever truly compensate for the shifting nutritional needs, so they'll still need what they've always needed out of what they eat, with the only difference being that now they can digest blood too.

in fact, vampirism is... largely pretty survivable, if the virus itself doesn't kill you. it requires accommodation, and even if there was a cure it would probably kill the vampires to do so (as they need the virus's capacity for magic just to keep their bodies working now), but they're still the same person. most of the time, if they try to eat normal food, they'll feel sick and be disgusted by it, but this occurs on a spectrum, and is capable of getting better over time. similarly, foods that merely look like blood can be a good workaround, not to mention the fact that the virus makes no distinction on animal or person blood. it can get bad if they don't have this understanding and willingness to accommodate, but you could say that about anyone, since desperation seldom makes anyone pleasant.

in fact, there are some... pretty weird interactions between vampirism and the human body, and if a vampire can manage their new needs long-term, then they find that their body has basically forgot how to age or die of old age, and the magic introduced by the virus effectively freezes their body as it was when they were infected. they can still be killed, though, even if their healing factor similarly gets odd, and one of the go-to methods is by removing the head and placing it away from the body.

( this, of course, is based on the old methods of vampire burial, though i don't believe dirt in the mouth would do it)

moving on to liam in particular, i've actually already drawn him before!

however, this was... quite a while ago? before i started really settling on some details for the redesign universe, and making it actually cohesive as a universe with its own rules, so he's very outdated by now.

i think i might actually begin to move away from the bat influences from him? because that has started to bother me- because vampire bats were only known by europeans after they were described in 1810. it doesnt really, then, make a lot of sense for a european vampire that predates things like the columbian exchange to be influenced by their real-life counterparts. of course, bats were still associated with vampires before then, but, remember, so were wolves and owls, both which notably have no version of themselves that solely subsists on blood.

if anything, as i work on him again and slowly begin to fuss over vampires again, i might make him be more evocative of a bat instead of an actual bat, much like what i've done with vera and gorgons or scott and werewolves. i have always had a soft spot for vampires with proboscises ala The Strain, so i might grab something similar, just to further muddy the water with the tooth connection.

otherwise, fairly normal liam? i can say that, since vampirism is magical in origin and is prone to infecting innate/native magic users, that this would bolster someone's internal pool of useable magic, which has some particularly fun implications as it ties back into his history with the coven!

[kaypeace21]

DID theory part 3: St novels/comics/spotify list analyses

*read part 2  of DID theory-first! You’ll be lost otherwise, seriously XD. First, I’ll say -I find the ST comics/ books as canon as the st movie inspirations . I don’t consider the books/comics ‘literal canon’ (cause they contradict the show ( like Max and billy meeting a year before s2  in runaway max - but meeting as little kids in s3,  or El’s age being wrong in suspicious minds, in the d&D comic Will’s friends instead of him /Jonathan building castle byers, etc) . 

So I think we shouldn’t take it  literally - but more like the st movie lists - filled with foreshadowing/symbolism and other eastereggs (That the Duffers may have told them to add). So here’s some more (possible) alter / DID hints...

‘Suspicious minds’ novel

- Brenner  equates k*lling rabbits to h*rting kids. And he’ll hurt (kid) Kali (the bunny in the analogy) if Terry tries running away from him . I wonder if Lonnie used a similar threat against jonathan? Jon could be giving only a partial truth to why he cried for a week (about the bunny story)?

-Kali “hops” like a bunny then talks about tigers obsessively (linking her to rabbits/tigers similar to the other alters/Will/Lonnie). Terry also imagines tigers and kali says to Alice they can all be tigers together.

- one of the only male psychic experiments (who can see the future) is gay

- Terry is into lord of the rings, like Will. Has her and her boyfriend dress as sam & frodo (m/m ship). Terry calls her and her friends “the fellowship”.

-when Terry/Alice were injected with d**gs -they hallucinated rainbows.yikes.

- Alice (like Lonnie) is a car mechanic. She can see the future like Will the wise and says “monsters of course my mind has them as long as they stayed in there, everything would be alright? Wouldn’t it?” (in her visions she saw the demogorgan).

 (completed) graphic ST novels (by Jody Hozer) so far  (+ other st comics).

*Jody Hozer writes all the graphic novels (every novel is 4 chapters each) - the will byers comic, number 6 comic , into the fire comic, and at the moment she’s writing the d&d series and the summer camp series (which isn’t done yet). Then there’s the occasional 1 chapter st comics not written by her.

- Number 6 has (the ability to foresee the future like Will the wise/Alice) and has an ab*sive dad. 

When having a nightmare of the demogorgan ...she says as she wakes up “screw you dad” (another hint the demogrgan -aka in d&d means ‘deep father’ ...is Lonnie).

- when number 6 and others run they say they’re’ “rabbiting”(which yes technically makes sense but I found such an uncommon phrase odd.)

- The (summer camp and d&d graphic novels aren’t completed yet) but they establish d&d creatures are based off  real life people the boys don’t like in real life. Or that d&d is used as an outlet to explain true events from their pasts -but they just give the true stories a d&d fantasy slant.

- Which brings me to the halloween oneshot(not by Hozer),taking place before s1. Will tells a scary story told to him by Jonathan, and originally told to him by Lonnie. Says the boys have to keep it a secret cause it was something he was never supposed to tell to anyone. Mike says he has to finish the story he started. It’s about a “ch*lld-eater” monster first attacking a boy near the quarry (like where Will was found) and  attacking kids in a library (where Will was also found in s1).When the child sees the sheriff she bangs on the library door begging for help-he ignores her , walks away, and tells the other cops to never speak of what they saw as she screams for help. Because the previous sheriff was in kahoots with the monster. It def had some ... uh questionable imagery too 0_0

The vine in the mouth is also like the one in Will’s mouth (when Joyce found him in the library).And of course Dustin asks whether or not something like that could be covered up.

- In the “bully  comic” (about troy) also not by Jody. We focus on Troy and his ab*sive dad (who encourages him to fight/ditch his best friend). The dad has a drinking problem (gets fired), calls Troy a “mess” , pushes him, and constantly encourages Troy to be vi*lent/macho. He pretty much tries sabotaging the relationship Troy has with his friend (which I could see Lonnie doing in the future with byler).The dad/troy is framed similarly to when Billy gives Max a ride home-  after both ab*sers give bad advice saying not to hang out with their friend (after witnessing them fight in the school parking lot). Dad also laughs about almost k*lling a squirrel (a trait we see troy mimic)- and we see El feel guilty about k*lling a squirrel in s2. At the end of the comic- Troy (like Will) after making up with his bff james- moves leaving his best friend behind.

-  (into the fire) Twins: (one was normal with no powers living in the real world and the twin with fire powers is trapped in a dark sunless “cold” world styled like a psych facility/medieval fantasy) . pics in link.She hated her reflection cause it reminded her of being betrayed by her normal non powered twin who left her behind in the ‘cold’ place. She’d call herself a ‘hunter’ who would defend herself and attack others to never be hurt again. Her powers being unleashed were described like opening “a door.” And she loves her twin deep down and just wants friends . And fire twin goes to the “other side” to reunite with her reflection and find happiness in the real world. *also there’s sunflower/bunny symbols which she lights on fire-which can relate back to Will/Terry/Lonnie etc. The twins = Will & Will the wise (mf)

Mirrors also connect to Will and Will the wise via the canon spotify playlists too.

Will playlist (song: mirror in the bathroom)-Mirror in the bathroom Please talk free.The door is locked -Just you and me.Mirror in the bathroom recompense for all my crimes of self defense.Cures you whisper make no sense!Drift gently into Mental illness.

Demogorgan playlist ( from perspective of Will the wise aka the mf) (song: are you dead yet? )-”polluted soul through a mirror I behold.Throw a punch, shards bleed on the floor. tearing me apart. but I don't care anymore.Should I regret or ask myself are you dead yet?Wake up, don't cry. Regenerate to deny the truth. The fiction you live in blindfolds your eyes. Disclosure, self loathing, this time you've gone too far.Or could it be, my nemesis, that you are me?

(*st ‘into the fire’ comic. the fire powered twin’s thoughts echo the song)

*I think this foreshadows the later plot points of mf (will the wise ) and Will interacting via mirrors. The fire-wielding twin and the non powered twin had a lot of mirror imagery. Including the fire powered twin (Who denies reality/and imagines herself in a fantasy world) punching her reflection because it reminds her of her non-powered twin. Here’s some cover art from the novels showing how much they emphasize mirrors.

*And in s4 movies Black swan - “the black and white swan twins (two halves of the same person-Nina)” had creepy mirror imagery. In long kiss goodnight the women with DID talks to her “ (supposed)dark 1/2″  via a mirror (in a dream).  in ‘the visit’ the teen girl who’s dad abandoned her when young-  refuses to look in the mirror (and it’s never explained why she hates her reflection). So yes I think we’ll see this in s4 or 5. We already see the mf take on the appearance of Billy when talking to him.

- Will in “zombie boy” comic is afraid he’s a monster.

also lets appreciate the lil byler moment of Mike and Will being the only zombies and mike comforting him. honestly , though, the characters were pretty out of character for most of this 1 ch comic (until the end) tbh.

- in the “d&d comic” mf is  (possibly) described as a “protector” (aka like how i said the mf is probably a perpetrator alter- which are misguided protectors).

*update now that it’s finished... hinting Will created everything subconsciously.

‘Runaway Max’ novel (before s3)

(I didn’t get time to read this book unlike ‘suspicious minds’ -so can’t show screen shots of everything others talked about. May read it eventually)

-Max compares Billy  to ‘her monster’ and a ‘shadow’ that will attack anyone that comes close (mf parallel).

- Dart k*lled a cat,  El’s papa tried to force her to k*ll a cat. And Billy when seeing a d*ad cat lights it on fire for a “viking funeral”. A connection to WW (who has fire powers) and El & dart.

-Max and Billy both are into cars and bond over fixing them (similar to Lonnie’s interest in fixing up cars). And since Lonnie tried to brag to Jonathan about fixing a car up and Will is into tech it wouldn’t be a stretch that Lonnie and Will were into fixing cars together (like Max/billy who would hang out at a autoshop in Cali) .  Similar to Will ,max says hanging with Billy wasn’t always so bad- which made things more confusing to her.

- Max compares Billy being beat up by Neil: to ‘punching a pocket of a baseball glove’. This is interesting since this book was pre-s3 which was when they established the connection of billy and his dad to baseball (similar to s1 saying  Lonnie taught Will baseball).

-Billy’s friend is a nice ‘music snob’ . He tries distracting Max with music while Billy is burning the cat. Which reminds me of Jonathan trying to distract Will from their parents fighting in the next room-with music

- Max’s bio dad is a criminal who takes her to shady bars, and Max fears he’d ‘get bored of her’. Max also ran away from her mom to her dad’s 2x.Which reminds me of Jonathan thinking Will ran to Lonnie’s in s1.

-Max mentions how Billy misses his friends after moving out of Cali. And he starts acting even worse-after the move. Which will probably be the case for Will (at least a bit) when moving to California.

-Billy tells Max Neil isn’t his ‘real dad’ either because Neil can’t be a father to anyone.

-Billy also tells Max who (at the time ) is 12 years old not to act “easy” and breaks her best friend’s (Nate’s) arm over  someone joking he was Max’s boyfriend and also cause Nate tried to get in between Billy bullying Max. Eventually all her Cali friends ditch her cause they’re afraid of Billy.And Ugh- why could I see Lonnie doing something like this in the future with Will/his new friends. 

- Creepily Max says Billy doesn’t fool around with her like other girls not because of her age or being family. But cause she wasn’t ‘attractive’. This whole excerpt gave me the heeby jeebies,on so many levels, honestly.  Almost like he’s jealous- and controlling her cause he doesn’t want Max to have any love interests. Maybe i’m just missing the context? But ugh... excerpt:

Will byers secret Files

-Hopper gets scared by a pumpkin-scarecrow. And in Will’s canon journal when talking about the mindflayer and his nightmares draws the same scare-crow , Hopper saw. There’s also a lot of s4-5 foreshadowing in the book... but that’s a post for another day.

Darkness on the edge of town (Hopper novel)

*didn’t get time to read this (except the preview)

 I think it’s more foreshadowing for future seasons though- cult/supposed ritual k*llings, people being wrongly blamed for those crimes-like the hellfire club , most likely.  (similar to the guy number 3 in the number 6 comic)  saint john in the novel also has the same brain control powers as 3- similar to the mf. .” When a blackout plunges the boroughs into chaos, Hopper must escape the the mobs in the streets to make sure his family is safe and stop Saint John from fulfilling his prophecy.” I already talked about here- how the next few seasons would start having more religious symbolism/a future apocalypse (based on what we’ve seen in the show/s4 movies). Although, i think there’s quite a few differences between (the novel’s) saint john and Will the wise. Hopper is also a star wars nerd like the boys (alter hint)

Canon spotify songs (posted after s2/before s3) hinting at DID/ alter /lonnie stuff-

Will  and Will the wise (aka the mf) being an alter

*Used Will and the demogorgan playlist (which i think has perspectives of Will the wise aka the mf, demogorgan, and Lonnie).

Besides the mirror songs previously mentioned...

Will (cold inside)-Doctor the problem's in my chest.My heart feels cold as ice but it's anybody's guess?Doctor can you help me cause I don't feel right?Better make it fast before I change my mind. Doctor can you help me cause I don't feel right?Better make it fast before I change my mindWell it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside. Darker in the day than the dead of night Cold, cold, cold, cold inside...Counselor give me some advice Tell me how hard will I fall if I live a double life?

El (ghost)-your ghost, the ghost of you.It keeps me awake.My friends had you figured out.Yeah they saw what's inside of you. You tried hiding another you.But your evil was coming through... living in the shade Your cold heart makes my spirit shake.

El (monster Lead me home)-I don't know what, what I was afraid of, I was afraid oooof...Monster take me somewhere...We walk in shadow.Monster lead me home.Where there is no place to hide.Stranger on the other side We walk in shadow.Monster lead me home.

 The’ innerworld’/  other hints Max, El, Hopper, and Billy are alters of Will’s

Max (Logical song)-I know it sounds absurd. Please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am?

EL(Buzzcut season)-I remember when your head caught flame It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain ...nothing's wrong when nothing's true. I live in a hologram with you Where all the things that we do for fun . Play along (make-believe it's hyper real) But I live in a hologram with you.

Billy (broken bones)-Broken bones.Stay alone. If I see only what I believe -reality's bound by what I conceive

Max (Why can’t i touch it)-Well, it seems so real.I can see it.And it seems so real-I can feel it.And it seems so real-I can taste it.And it seems so real-I can hear it.So why can't I touch it?

Hopper (breakers)-Just to keep me from losing my mind .It's so easy to drown in the dream.Oh, and everything is not what it seems This life is but a dream.Shatter illusions that hold your spirit down ...From the inside, so it seems.Oh, I'm telling you it's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a It's all a dream.”

Max (comfortably numb)-When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye.I turned to look but it was gone.I cannot put my finger on it now.The child is grown.The dream is gone.I have become comfortably numb.

Max (Kids aren’t alright)-Still it's hard Hard to see Fragile lives, shattered dreams...What the hell is going on? The cruelest dream, reality.

El(team)-Livin' in ruins of a palace within my dreams. And you know we're on each other's team

Hopper (denial twist) ( just change ‘she’ to ‘he’)-Just because she makes you feel wrong she don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy!Take a tip and do yourself a little service...by playing a different role Ya, by playing a different role, oh.The boat ya you know she's rockin' it.And the truth well ya know there's no stoppin' it.So what, somebody left you in a rut and wants to be the one who's in control.But the feeling that you're under can really make you wonder.How the hell she can be so cold?So now you're mad, denying the truth.And it's getting in the wisdom in the back of your tooth

El (the story)-You see the smile that's on my mouth.It's hiding the words that don't come out.And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed.They don't know my head is a mess.No they don't know who I really am.And they don't know what I've been through

El (hero) ( pretty much alludes to El being a construct of Will’s mind similar to his juju zombies in the d&d story he wrote )-Who knows what you'll find when you look inside (billy’s mind)?Haunted beach (billy flashback), roll the dice.The zombies in the corner aren't amused (d&d ref).Play the part of the blushing bride...Out of view, cloaked by night...My spirit dims, but I feel the force"No longer in my hands,"  (loses powers) .I say to you .I could've been a hero, I could've been a zero.Could've been all these thingsI could've been nothing, I could've had something.Could've been all these things.And if I am unable, tell him that I'll try but underneath the table will spin the wheel and hope for gold. Oh, and where it stops, nobody knows.

Max (it’s real)-I don't know who's behind the wheel.Sometimes I feel like I don't know The deal.But when I tell you how I feel-Believe me when I say It's real.I skated on a frozen Sea.It's real as far as I Can see?

Max (Halloween)-Because your role is planned for you there's nothing you can do.

El (White rabbit... alice and wonderland/lonnie ref)-And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you're going to fall...When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

demogrogan(Dimensions of horror)-Gaze upon the ancient face you dread (lonnie)... Passing through the doors, into Dimensions Of Horror. Haunting visions from the past, rise once more.Realms of darkness, terror, death and gore.Scream in fear, your sanity is lost

demogorgan (SCHORCHED)-Terrorizing madness. Vivid dreams. internal. Hallucinating the unknown. Abstract entities prey.Through superhuman abilities.Fragments of memory erased.

demogrogan (Calling from a dream)-the shadow king...seven spirits (7 ref) Swarming around his head.Close your eyes.Listen to my call. Our bond will bring us together again.I will wait for you. For our hearts still beat as one.Listen to my calling from a dream. (integration?)

 Maybe a coincidence or a hint at Will having both male &female alters?Billy (dude looks like a lady)- What a funky lady...Oh, he was a lady.Dude looks like a lady. Hopper (turn the page)-All the same old cliches,"Is that a woman or a man?" Max ( rebel rebel) (this was on her her pre s3 spotify list + post s3 “wrapped list”)- you got your mother in a whirl, doesn’t know if you’re a boy or girl? 

 SHIT DAD/ AB*SIVE FAMILY

*trigger w*rning ahead for dark themes like s**ual ab*se

demogorgan (my children)My children I never loved them.Why feel that way when their existence is my business?My children...feral vessals of my selfinterest...So don't lean on me man 'Cause I ain't got nothing to give.Don't lean on me man 'Cause I ain't got nothing to give.My children they're right behind you My children they're gonna beat you.My children if you let them Oh, oh, my children.

demogorgan (black dahlia-window):  I’m not quoting the lyrics you can just look it up.  it’s messed up.Based on the 1st person pov of Gilles de Rais -k**ler and p*d*rest who also kidnapped a cleric.

Will (creature comfort)-Some boys hate themselves.Spend their lives resenting their fathers... hate their bodies .Stand in the mirror (another mirror ref) and wait for the feedback.Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch.

Jonathan’s Playlist- We’re happy family: “Eating refried beans (poverty). Gulpin’ down Thorazines (pills for a mood disorder). We ain’t got no friends (s2 ref). Our troubles never end. Daddy likes men. Daddy’s telling LIES.”

Jonathan’s playlist-Enter sandman: “Don’t forget my son. Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your pillow tight, Exit light, Enter night. Take my hand, we’re off to never-never land. Something’s wrong, shut the light, heavy thoughts tonight. Dreams of LIARS and of things that will bite, yeah. Hush little baby don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beasts under your bed, in your closet in your head.”

Jonathan (The killing moon-guy sings this)-So soon you'll take me up in your arms. Too late to beg you or cancel it. Against your will!He will wait until you give yourself to him...In starlit nights I saw you.So cruelly you kissed me... unwillingly mine.

jonathan (haunted)-You and I both know that the house is haunted And you and I both know that the ghost is me. You used to catch me in your bed-sheets just a-rattling your chains.Well back then , it didn't seem so strange...In the midnight hour..I was busy trying to charm that snake. When the sun came up we had no place to hide...You and I both know that the house is haunted  yeah you and I both know that the ghost is YOU! You used to walk around screaming, all slamming all 'dem doors Well I'm all grown up now and I don't scare easy no more But you and I both know.

Hopper (Confession)-Now I'm on the low Confession, to a virgin ghost Admission, force you know.

hopper (Tomorrow ) Yeah, and back when s*x and amph*tamines were the staples of our childhood physique.

Max (Last caress)-I got something to say.I k**led your baby today.And it doesn't matter much to me.As long as it's de*d.Well I got something to say.I r*ped your mother today.And it doesn't matter much to me.As long as she spread. (Lonnie pov? Neil?messed up song to be on Max’s list)

hopper House of the rising sun- And my father was a gamblin' man Way down in New Orleans... And the only time he's satisfied Is when he's on a drunk

Max Poor relations-An attitude, no patience, he's paper thin.Talking over everything you have to say...Don't correct the things he said, what's the use?Can't handle violence.Can't handle violence.Learning to love the abuse you can't live without.Your familiar oppression, your daily injustice...That loser man that belongs to you, he's ruling you.

el (sweet dreams are made of this)- Some of them want to use you ...Some of them want to ab*se you.Sweet dreams are made of this...Hold your head up.Keep your head up, movin' on.

Max (Alternative ulster)-They say they're a part of you.And that's not true, you know.They say they've got control of you.And that's a lie, you know.They say you will never Be free, free, free

max In bloom-”Sometimes at night I let it get to me.And last night it had me down and feeling NUMB...And thinking back upon those days Way way back when I was young.I was such a little shit.Cos I was always on the run.Well you know just what they say-Just like father then like son.Don't delude me with your sympathy.Cos I can do this on my own.And this will be the last time-That I break down and wanna crawl to bed. “(since Billy has a playlist I found this song choice being on hers instead of his interesting- in fact almost all of Max’s songs are from the 1st person perspective of a boy unlike the other gals.)

Max (comfortably numb)-The child is grown.The dream is gone.I have become comfortably NUMB.

hopper (numb)-Honey, here I go again Down that crooked road of sin.My momma locked me out again And hung me high to rust under the rain I am NUMB( 8x)....Little bluebird at my window Sing a pretty song for me Don't you know that you can fly, fly, fly away Don't you know that you can leave I am numb.

other psych songs

Hopper (life of sin)-Every morning when I rise I look in the mirror (another mirror ref) and despise the sight of everything and all that I've become. The level of my medicating some might find intimidating But that's alright cause' it don't bother me none.

 Max (Moon over marin)- “Dive in my scalding wooden tub (connects to mf/el)...There, wasn't that a nice visit?Don't forget, a psychiatrist is on duty twenty-four hours a day in the blue room...Drink plenty of water when you take these.Now you can relax.” ( I wonder if stranger writers saying to “drink plenty of water” is secretly a line said by a psych person in s4?)

Max (Feeling ok)-My doctor says that I should take it -At least I won't have to keep faking.I know, someday I'll find it-Where I, I least expect it.Today I know I feel ok.

Max ( Going gets tough)-.No home since the fire.Me and the ash can't settle down...So I sink another round-Placebo for pain.And there's no one for to blame . I refuse to accept-That my work is all in vain...Still always remembering .When the going gets tough .That the labor of our love-Will reward us soon enough.

 Max (Comfortably numb)-Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?)Is there anybody in there?Just nod if you can hear me.Is there anyone home?Come on now-I hear you're feeling down.Well I can ease your pain .Get you on your feet again.Relax // Now I've got that feeling once again.I can't explain . you would not understand.This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb.I have become comfortably numb //Okay (okay, okay, okay)Just a little pinprick.There'll be no more, ah .But you may feel a little sick.Can you stand up?I do believe it's working, good.That'll keep you going through the show.Come on it's time to go// Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Explanations of Why the mf  (WIll the wise)behaves the way he does

demogorgan (ww) (Cowards starved)- friends think of me as a priest.I had to show them that the weakest hands Can still make impressive fires. (aka MF = will the wise)

demogorgan (ww) (Unmerciful):I will be reborn...Tranquil demeanor.Now devoured.Surfacing malice...I can't reconcile the torment others bring unto me.I will not take any reproach.Turning the other cheek.Relentless hatred consumes.Control released.Absolved of all compassion.I am free .Look into my hate filled eyes and tell me What do you see?Surging aura of my rage Paralyzing you in fear.

Demogorgan (ww) (bodies-Beaten why for (why for)?Can't take much more.(Here we go, here we go, here we go).One, nothing wrong with me,Two, nothing wrong with me.Three, nothing wrong with me.Four, nothing wrong with me.One, something's got to give.Two, something's got to give.Three, something's got to give now...You're all by yourself but you're not alone...Driven by hate consumed by fear.

demogrgan (ww)-Orbs used as transmitters carry electromagnetic beams from above (affecting magnetic fields in the show).Silence, manipulated, tortured ...How immune is your system of suffering?Its in the blood of suffering (familial ref).Its in the blood.

 Demogrgan (Monster)-I shoot the lights out..Whoa, just another lonely night...None of who you get it, ain't nobody cold as this.A zombie (will ref) with no conscience .Everybody knows I'm a motherfucking monster. Everybody wanna know what my Achilles' heel is? Love I don't get enough of it.

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtbastian Week 2020 - “War of the Roses” (Rated M)

Summary: Kurt suspects that his husband may be cheating on him. But instead of taking the mature route of talking with him, he calls up a radio talk show that has a unique way of uncovering the truth. (2236 words)

Notes: Inspired by a talk show I used to listen to by the same name. Written for the @kbweek2020 Day 5 prompt 'angst', but not quite as angsty as you might imagine.

Read on AO3.

“War, War, War, War of the Roses!”

The pre-recorded announcement, surrounded by loud fanfare, blares through Kurt’s phone. He moves it away from his ear before the d.j. follows with: “It’s War of the Roses day on Magic 92.5! Hop on the website, send us a text, or call and leave us a message, and you, too, may be featured on War of the Roses! Today, we have Kurt on the line, ready to share the troubling story of him and his husband Sebastian. Kurt - thank you for joining us.”

“Th-thank you for having me,” Kurt replies, hating the way his voice sounds, the way it rattles around his dry throat. Hating what he’s doing. Hating that he gave the show their real names! What an imbecile he is! People he knows listen to this show! His boss Isabelle listens to this show! She must be listening now because he hears a beep over the line - a sign that another call is trying to wedge its way in. When he doesn’t answer it, it disconnects with a chunky bwap-bwap! A second later, messages start flooding his email, which he left open on the laptop in front of him. And not just from Isabelle. From Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, Chase …

Kurt lifts a hand and closes the lid, shutting them out.

Oh boy. 

He’s only been on the phone for 30 seconds and he’s already made a mess of things.

“Kurt,” the d.j. says, “why don’t you start by telling us why you contacted us? How can we help you?”

Kurt sighs. I contacted you because I’m stupid, he thinks. And insecure. And, frankly, I should hang up right now and put my phone in the freezer for safekeeping before I do anything else stupid. “I … I think my husband might be cheating on me.”

Canned ooo’ing follows his admission, and if he didn’t regret this decision before, he certainly regrets it now. He can’t stand the idea that they’re using this situation that’s been keeping him up at night as the punchline of a joke. But he can’t blame them. He did this. There are other ways to go about this that he should have considered first. Counseling. Private investigators. Honest and open communication with his spouse. But for some reason, when his husband got up early and left for work without waking Kurt for a goodbye kiss for the eighth day in a row, Kurt broke. If his marriage isn’t working, if they’re headed for Splitsville, Kurt needs to know today. 

Now.

Sooner, if possible.

And that’s when he leaped for his cell phone and made this ill-advised call.

Kurt didn’t think there was anything wrong with his marriage. He thought they were happy – blissfully so. But for the past few days, things have gotten odd between them. Strained. And Kurt doesn’t know why. He needs to find out.

Lucky for him (depending on how you look at it), the radio program had a last-minute cancellation. The person who was scheduled to be on this morning decided to take matters into their own hands and run their unfaithful spouse over with a Cadillac.

A Cadillac that wasn’t theirs to begin with.

The station called him practically a second after he got off the phone with their answering machine.

“And why do you think your husband might be cheating on you?” the female co-host asks in a voice sympathetic from years of practice.

“Well … he’s been avoiding me.” Kurt winces at that weak excuse. To be fair, Sebastian’s firm recently landed a huge client - their first of this caliber in years. And since one of his partners is out on maternity leave, the job of wining and dining had fallen on Sebastian’s shoulders - a task he hasn’t performed in close to a decade; one he never liked much, especially after he and Kurt got married since it kept him away from home. “But on top of that,” he says, leaving that pertinent information out, “he’s been talking a lot about some guy named Martin.”

“Really?” the d.j. says, working hard to make this revelation sound like the scandal of the century since Kurt isn’t giving them much to work with. “And what has he been saying about Martin?”

“He’s been very complimentary about the job Martin has been doing down at the office.” Another wince. “A-and my husband isn’t normally the kind to hand out compliments. Plus, they’ve been working a lot of late nights - meetings, overtime, all last minute, that sort of thing.”

“Do you think Martin is doing something other than working that your husband might actually be complimenting him on?”

“Maybe,” Kurt says meekly, his heart going from ache to break. He hadn’t put those thoughts into words before today, hadn’t even texted them to his closest confidants now crowding his inbox. This is the first time he’s getting it off his chest … and he’s doing it to millions of people he doesn’t know.

He can hear Sebastian's voice in his head, laughing and saying, "Smart, Kurt. Very smart."

“Alright! Let’s get Sebastian on the phone and find out what’s going on once and for all!”

“Okay,” Kurt mumbles, covering the fact that the host's apparent enthusiasm to destroy Kurt's life put him on the verge of throwing up.

“What we’re going to do (for those of you who don’t know how this works) is offer Sebastian a dozen romantic roses to send free of charge to the person of his choice," the d.j. explains. 

"Let’s hope he says Kurt,” his co-host adds.

“Yes,” Kurt says, and very unlike him, he begins to pray. 

He prays Sebastian doesn’t answer the phone.

He prays Sebastian's secretary answers instead and tells them to send the roses to Kurt, Sebastian’s one true love. Kurt would accept that, hearing it second hand. That would be fine. Hearing it from Sebastian's secretary would be almost like hearing it from Sebastian. She’s a trustworthy soul, not inclined to cover for her boss.

He thinks.

Most of all, he prays that no matter who answers, no matter what happens, he’s wrong.

Ring-ring.

Ring-ring.

Ring-ring.

Click.

“Hello?”

Sebastian answers and Kurt’s stomach drops. In the time it takes Sebastian to complete that word, Kurt recalls the way most of these things end. Then his mind, which rarely seems to be on his side lately, conjures up how it might end for them.

This phone call and their entire marriage.

“Let’s get a name for the card, Sebastian. Who would you like us to send those roses to?”

“Let’s send them to Martin,” Kurt imagines his husband saying in a sly, seductive voice without pause. 

“Martin? And what message would you like to go with it?”

“Make it out to Captain Flexible. And write ‘last night was incredible. Here’s to many more late nights in the future’.”

That nightmare spell shatters when Kurt hears the d.j. say his husband's name. “Sebastian?”

“Yes?” Sebastian answers, already sounding annoyed. No one who calls Sebastian’s office line ever calls him by his first name except family. 

And Kurt.

“Hello! My name is Andrew, and I’ve just opened a new flower shop in Uptown called The Rose Knows.”

“Good for you,” Sebastian says dryly.

“We’re calling businesses in the Midtown area with our first promotion. We’re offering a free dozen romantic roses to send to the person of your choice. And all we ask in return is that you recommend our shop to your family, your friends, your co-workers …”

“You must have the wrong number. I don’t need anything for free. Put an ad in the Pennysaver like everyone else.”

"I'm not sure the Pennysaver's still in business."

"Not my problem."

Kurt bites his lower lip, grinning when he should be in tears, the nervous flip-flopping of his stomach, like pancakes on a griddle, causing his abs to cramp. But that’s his husband. His Sebastian. 

So far, so good.

“Come on,” the d.j. presses. “We’re a small business, just starting out. Do a man a favor. Have some community spirit.”

Sebastian sighs like this is so beneath him. He stays quiet, and Kurt knows he’s debating between messing with this guy or hanging up on him. But Sebastian probably figures he’s not going to shake him until he gives in. Besides, Sebastian is nothing if not a networker. A flower shop would be of no use to him, but who knows? “Let’s see. Who in my life deserves free roses? My mom’s birthday is coming up, so maybe I could send them to her. Or my sister. She just had a baby.”

“Oh! Congrats!”

“A-ha,” Sebastian says, the amount of unimpressed in his tone staggering. “There’s Martin Lewis ...”

“Martin?” the d.j. repeats, stressing the name subtly to put emphasis on Kurt’s concerns.

He doesn’t need to. Kurt’s heart has already stopped.

“Yeah," Sebastian says, his voice going softer. "Roses would definitely brighten up his office.”

“And why does Martin deserve roses?”

“Not that it's any of your business, but he’s been busting his ass helping me put together a huge proposal. Plus, his wife's in the hospital. He could bring them over to her."

"O-oh ..." The d.j. slips. That's probably the last thing he expected to hear.

"Or you know what?” Sebastian's voice drops a register, a hint of wickedness lacing between. “I could send them to this guy I absolutely worship."

"Oh really?" The d.j. recovers, seeing things start to turn around. The hosts definitely root for a happy ending, but it's no surprise that angst makes their ratings soar.

The cringe-factor of someone confessing unaware to their infidelities. 

Their listeners eat that up.

"Yup. The most amazing, sexiest man on the face of the planet. The man with the biggest heart of any human being I have ever met. The man I call the Energizer Bunny because he can go all. night. long. The man I hope to spend the rest of my life with.” 

Kurt hiccups. His heart, a useless lump in his chest, lodges in his throat. 

“And who would that---?” But before the d.j. can interject with their usual spiel, Sebastian continues. 

“But I think he’s worth more than a bouquet I got for free from some lame-ass radio talk show. What do you think, Kurt?”

The line goes dead.

Kurt has been listening to this radio program religiously for close to seven years, and to his knowledge, this has never happened before - a caller called out by their s.o. But the d.j. is on it because he immediately plays an old school ‘wah-wah’ noise to show that Kurt has been caught.

“H-how did you know?” Kurt asks.

“Because I know you, Kurt,” Sebastian says. “I know the kinds of things you do when you panic, and you mostly panic when you feel like people you love are going to leave you.”

“Yeah?” Kurt sniffs, a tear rolling down his cheek. Adding to his list of things he hates, he hates that Sebastian knows him so well. “And what do I do?”

“You kind of go off the deep end.” Sebastian chuckles, lighthearted and anxious, reminiscent of the night he asked Kurt to be his for the first time. “And I understand why. I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. And I’m sorry about the late hours. I’ve just been caught up at work. I swear that’s all. But Kurt … can we talk about this when I get home? So I can look at you, in your eyes, and tell you that there’s no way in heaven or earth I would ever cheat on you? It took me a long time to win you over. There’s nothing that could persuade me to give you up, not for anyone.”

More sound effects - an awww followed by applause - play in the background as the d.j. and his co-host attempt to maintain control of the show.

“So … you don’t hate me?” Kurt asks.

“For which offense? Doubting me, my loyalty, and my love for you? Or airing our dirty laundry on the radio?”

“Uh …” Kurt awkwardly clears his throat. “All of the above?”

Sebastian sighs again. He sounds exhausted, but also like he can’t wait to get home and give Kurt a good ribbing. “Yes, babe. I forgive you.”

“Thanks. And I’m sorry about all this.”

“Apology accepted. I mean, what’re a few tawdry secrets among friends? Strangers? The barista down at Starbucks? My clients?”

“When should I expect you home?” Kurt rushes to cut him off, feeling more like a heel than he had before. “I know you have another big meeting and …”

“I’ll be home in about an hour. Wait … make that an hour and ten. I’m going to stop by a real flower shop and get you some roses. I think you’re overdue.”

“Really?” Kurt says, so astounded, so touched, he doesn’t hear the cheesy music the d.j. has started playing in the background.

“Yes, really. And Kurt?”

“Yes?”

“Be naked when I get there,” Sebastian growls.

The music stops, skidding to a halt with the sound of a record scratching. “Guys … uh … you’re still on the air.”

“Sorry not sorry there, champ,” Sebastian says and hangs up the call.

So does Kurt, shoving his phone in the freezer before the station tries to call back for a recap.

[liquorisce]

... i’ll protect you from your dreams

written for @kyoruweekofficial day 2 prompt: dream

fandom: fruits basket

rating: t

summary: some nights when kyo is fragile, he seeks comfort in tohru’s arms.                                                          OR  

“I dreamt I couldn’t be with you,” he murmurs, quietly, unsure if Tohru was still awake. “… that you would choose someone else.”

Everything feels different. 

“… Well, I hope it fits you. I have to admit, you are a bit, uhm, thinner than I accounted for.” 

“It’s fine,” he says, and it comes out as a rasp, and his voice sounds different to his own ears, different without the echo of the small, dark room. It feels strange almost, the faint chill of the breeze against his arm, the burn of the sun on his face. 

“Here, got you lunch… in case you were hungry.”

Kyo squints at the paper bag, daylight far too bright for his ill-adjusted eyes as he carefully unwraps the burger he was presented with. When was the last time he’d eaten food that wasn’t prepared in the Sohma kitchen? 

“… Maybe we should just sit in my room?” 

Kyo nods, looking over at the soft voice that was speaking to him. Never had he imagined that 5 years into isolation, the first person he would greet in the fresh, open air… would be Yuki. 

Yuki gestures for Kyo to sit on the bed and he does, sinking into the mattress, the plush type that the rat boy had always had a taste for. 

He’s silent and the only noise in the room is the crunch of the burger in Kyo’s mouth. “I asked them to leave out the onions,” Yuki says with a grin. 

Kyo offers one in return, but it’s feeble. Everything feels feeble about him, now that he’s stepped into the outside world.  

There’s more silence, and Kyo finishes his meal, grateful to have eaten something different. “… I guess I should probably try that on, huh,” he mumbles, eyeing the black suit that Yuki had laid out for him. 

Yuki eyes him hesitantly. “… A shower, first. And a shave. It’s a wedding, not a funeral.” 

He cringes visibly, not that he needed reminding of the occasion. He’d had months, weeks and days to prepare for this, with little else to do in his chamber of darkness, except sit with his thoughts. 

It seemed simple in theory, he thinks, as the warm jet of water hits him. It wasn’t a shocking revelation that they would come to this day. He’d been preparing for it since his final year of high school. 

He takes in his reflection, and realizes that Yuki is right. He had grown thinner. His cheekbones showed so clearly, you couldn’t just call them defined anymore, it was definitely jutting. Sighing, he lifted the razor to his cheeks. 

“The new look suits you, Kyo-kun,” she’d said with a shy smile when she’d first seen his beard. 

How long ago was that? A year after his confinement? She was probably just being nice, he thinks bitterly as he shaves it off completely. 

(He doesn’t want to think of her bitterly. He has no right.)

“Some people are just blessed,” Yuki quips, as he walks out of the bathroom, towel at his hips. “… even at your worst, you still have more ab definition than I do.” 

Kyo smiles weakly. “… Still couldn’t beat you if I tried.” 

Their interactions had changed so much, he wonders what his young self would think if he’d see them today. If only he knew that the boy who he’d spent his whole life hating would be the one visiting him every other weekend, sneaking in treats, bringing him word from the others… arguing with Akito to make sure he was allowed outside, just for today.

He slips on the white shirt, thankful that he doesn’t drown in it. Yet. 

“… Hey, Kyo.” Yuki’s tone betrays his worry, and Kyo isn’t ready for it yet. He isn’t ready to talk about these feelings that haven’t left him since he first heard the news. 

“… Are you sure you want to do this?” 

“I promised her,” he mutters, so many years ago, on the rooftop, a precious memory that she’s probably forgotten, but he just can’t seem to. 

“I know, but she’ll understand. This must be… difficult for you. You don’t have to put yourself through this,” - 

“… I said I’d support her!” 

He’s taken aback by his own outburst, but that’s the truth of it. It’s a promise he’d made to her, the love of his life, when they were young and seventeen and he’d already realized that this was all he could do. He’d support her love no matter what. No matter who. 

But it was also a promise he’d made to himself, the last precious memory he is holding on to before he truly gives up. 

But no amount of preparation or self pep talks comes to his aid when he sees her walk in, long flowing dress in peach pink, veiled, with Hanajima and Uotani by her side. His mind is blank first because the immensity of what he is witnessing is too much for him. 

When he said goodbye to her 5 years ago and she cried for him, embraced him in the only way that was awkwardly possible, it was him walking away. It was a future he’d spent his whole life running away from, but when he went inside, it was still him who left. 

But when he sees her, sees Tohru, beautiful and radiant, just like he remembered her, but somehow so much more, it’s brutal because this time it’s her walking, only walking down the aisle. Towards someone else. 

He’d never thought his heart could break a second time, but it did and it’s worse because he’d never paid attention to this ugly, painful, thing called hope that had tried desperately to glue the pieces together - and it crushes him. 

Kyo is standing on the corner of the aisle, and as Tohru comes closer, he can feel himself splintering inside. 

“… Kyo-kun,” she says, her voice quivering. It takes a moment for him to realize that she’s stopped in front of him, that she’s standing barely two steps away from him, and she hasn’t been this close in years… 

When he looks up to see her, he’s shocked to see a stricken look on her beautiful features. “Kyo-kun,” she gasps, worried, “what are you doing here?” 

“… Why aren’t you up there?” 

“Hana-chan, Uo-chan, who is that?” She asks, frantic, pointing to the man in the black suit at the altar. “Why is Kyo-kun not standing at the altar like we practiced?”

“Tohru…” 

“Kyo-kun,” she cries, reaching for his face, “What happened to you? You look so different… so sad…” 

Tears are streaming down his face, and the feeling in his chest tightens as she throws her arms around him whispering, “Kyo-kun, come back to me…”

“Tohru, no,” he rasps, afraid because there’s so many people around - he can’t afford to transform, but he can’t shake her off. “Please, I,” - 

He wakes up heaving, sweat and tears running down his face. The sadness, the pain… it’s visceral, gripping at his chest. 

And Tohru - God, she was crying too, scared, worried tears, holding on to him, like she’d never let go. 

It’s then that he takes note of the arm entwined with his, on the futon.

He curses softly when he sees her, relief overwhelming him, when he sees her brown hair spread across the sheets, her mouth parted blissfully in her slumber. 

He is overcome with the urge to hold her, and so he does, loosening his arm from her hold and wrapping himself around her, so close that her smell drives away the remnants of his nightmare. 

“Mmm,” she mumbles, stirring, “… Kyo..?”

“Sorry,” he whispers into her hair, “… I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“… You’re so warm,” she giggles, but she stops short when she feels something wet on her neck. 

She stiffens, alarmed. “… Kyo-kun?” 

His hold tightens and she sinks into it, clutching his arm tightly. “You’re trembling… what’s wrong?” 

She can hear his breathing, rough, panicked. “Tohru… Please…” 

“Kyo-kun, what is it? Did you have a bad dream?” She turns towards him, cradling his face. 

“… Hold me, please,” he whispers, and she does tightly, letting him burrow his face into her chest, caressing his back softly.

When his breathing calms, and his sobs have quietened, he realises how shaken he was by the picture in his head. 

“I dreamt I couldn’t be with you,” he murmurs, quietly, unsure if Tohru was still awake. “… that I would be locked up… that you would choose someone else,” - 

“Never.” Her grip tightens around him. 

She kisses his forehead softly, wiping away the dampness on his cheeks, trying her best to stop her own tears from falling. Things have changed now, and mistakes have been forgiven, but the damage it’s done could never be undone. 

And with Kyo fragile in her arms tonight, she’s not sure that it’s something she’ll ever forgive. 

So she vows to protect it, the fragility of his heart, the wounds he desperately tries to hide, the love he so freely showers upon her. 

“Don’t you know, Kyo-kun,” she whispers gently against his mouth, “… I’d never have let them take you away from me.”

- fin - 

day 1 submission

@kyoruweekofficial

[kannra21]

OK I was reading lyrics of The Weight of the World and realized things similar to those in the game.

[Tell me God, are you punishing me?]

This is also mentioned at the far beginning-

[Is this a curse? Or some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle.]

And the other part of the song,

[Is this the price I'm paying for my past mistakes?]

also refers to 2B when she's talking to 9S-

[We’ve destroyed machines beyond counting. Perhaps someone sees that as a sin.]

It's so sad, I mean, 2B never hated machines. She did it out of duty but she never showed any form of ill wish towards them, even though she was supposed to act as they were her enemies.

And the rest of the song ofc, is telling us ab how disappointed she was with her whole life since she needed to kill 9S over and over again.

It's heartbreaking, but there's also a brighter side to the story-

[Maybe if I keep believing, my dreams will come to life.]

This probably has something to do with the end of the game. A hope to start their life anew, being given another chance to better themselves.

This song is all about having a hard time and hoping for a better future.

In conclusion, war doesn't make any sense. They were all created to fight and die for a lie.

They could've been so much happier if they didn't give a damn about YoRHa or its principles.

[bazzybelle]

Carry On Countdown - Day Twenty-Seven

Notes: So I am giddy with excitement about writing this fic! It’s a snippet for an AU historical fiction (my personal favourite literary genre) that I’ve started working on. I have a basic outline drawn up, I have plots and tropes and quotes I want to use (I’ve even started making a playlist for it… because I’m THAT much of a dork), and those who I talk to on the regular know that I have not shut up about it. I’ve always loved The Renaissance in Florence, especially during the time of Lorenzo The Magnificent. My first university degree was History and Italian Culture, and the BULK of my classes involved the Florentine Renaissance (Neeeeeeeeerd). Ok! I won’t bore you all with details now, wait for my AU fic! Title and beginning quote are taken from the Neo-Platonist philosopher Marsilio Ficino.

Thank you to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for your beta-work, and for sharing/encouraging my nerdiness for this topic, I look forward to discussing this story with you, as well as Plato’s philosophy! xD

Gonna tag also @fight-surrender, @f-ing-ruthless-baz and @giishu for being my never ending support board and for putting up with my non-stop photos of notes from my tiny tiny notebook. 

Finally tagging @sbazzing... You wanted to be tagged in this.. here ya go! :) 

Day 27 Prompt: Time Travel

Title: Love is a Dream of Beauty

________________________________________________________________

Artists in each of the Arts seek after and care for nothing but Love.

February 20th, 1490

BAZ

“Signore Pitch!”

I look up from the text I’m analyzing to see one of Lorenzo’s (yes, Lorenzo de’ Medici… Il Magnifico to most, but to me, he’s always been Lorenzo) assistants rushing towards me. He is one of the younger ones, I believe. What was his name?

Paolo?

Francesco?

Marco!

I put down the book I have been reading (Livy’s Ab Urbe Condita Libri - History of Rome - I’m working on translations for Book 9) and look at the nervous young man. I do not understand why the servants and assistants fear me. I suppose it is my dark and broody nature that unsettles them. Or maybe the fact that I have little to no patience for the courtly life and the politics that go along with it.

“Yes, Marco? How can I help you?” I gaze down at the young man. Maybe it’s my cold eyes that are constantly glaring and the way I always sneer when I’m annoyed that frightens the younger workers.

“Gran… Gran Maestro de’ Medici would like a word with you.” I take in a sharp breath and nod at the young man. If Lorenzo wants to speak with me, it is for one of two reasons; either I have done something that displeases him (unlikely), or he wants something of me. A request from Lorenzo de’ Medici is not a request one simply ignores (though, Lorenzo has a soft spot for me, so I can get away with more than others).

“Is it urgent?” I raise an eyebrow at Marco, which only increases his nervousness. Honestly! Why does he have to be so apprehensive? It’s not like I am going to bite him or anything! Marco looks to the floor, not wanting to meet my eyes.

“He said to call for you immediately, Signore Pitch.”

I sigh deeply and offer him a curt nod. “Very well. I shall be with him shortly.” I turn back to my book. I want to finish this last page before going to meet Lorenzo. I look up briefly to notice that Marco is still standing nervously in front of me. I roll my eyes at him and point to the door. “You may leave.”

Marco stumbles out of my room. I shake my head and continue with my translations. It is my unofficial job at the Academy, to translate these texts from Greek to Latin as well as the local vernacular. I am not fond of the vernacular, but there are still groups within the city that hold onto the linguistic belief set forth by the great poet, Dante. My peers may look down on those who choose to practice the vernacular, but Angelo Poliziano (my teacher, mentor, dearest friend) insists that I keep an open mind to the shifts and changes that come with learning the language.

Satisfied with the quality of my translations, I close the books and stretch my back. I do not know how long I had been sitting at that table before Marco came to fetch me. Maybe I will go for a brief ride through the countryside to clear my head, once my meeting with Lorenzo is through.

As I make my way through the corridors and halls of the villa, my mind begins to wander (this often happens, Marsilio Ficino calls it the philosopher’s curse) and I think about the young assistant. I should have expected the uncomfortable interaction based on how he addressed me alone.

I am known by many names in this court. Signore Pitch is one, but I find that to be dreadfully formal. I am not a master, nor am I nobility (well… not anymore). Amongst my peers and the scholars at the Academy, as well as the members of Lorenzo’s court, I am referred to as Tyrannus (which is probably worse than Signore Pitch, but these Florentines do love their classical history). My closest friends (of which I can count on one hand) refer to me as Basil or Baz, which is frankly what I prefer. It was what my mother and father called me before they died.

There is also what enemies of the Medici like to refer to me as: The Displaced Prince. I would find it rather insulting, if I wasn’t so amused by it. They are not wrong in calling me that, except I was never really a prince. My family was a noble one, but we fell from grace many years ago. Actually, I may be the last member of my family remaining. I suppose that’s why Lorenzo has kept me around all these years. I have been around the court of Lorenzo de’ Medici long enough to understand how the politics work around here. I am of noble blood and eligible for a political match that could work in Lorenzo’s favour, and continue on for his son, Piero. It’s truly a shame that I have no interest in political matches.

Or marriage for that matter.

I reach Lorenzo’s quarters. I knock on the door and wait patiently to be received. Lorenzo doesn’t typically spend much time here at his villa in Careggi. Most of his time is spent in the city itself, at his central palazzo. He has been here for a couple of days, and I wonder if he had come all this way in order to speak to me in person. Lorenzo de’ Medici never does anything without an ulterior motive.

The door opens and I am ushered inside, where I find Lorenzo sitting at his desk, pen in hand, and a focused look on his face. He looks up to see me and his face brightens.

“Tyrannus! How are you, my dear boy!”

I enter the room and lightly bow my head. Lorenzo isn’t an official ruler of Florence, but as the head of the Medici family, it is a simple gesture of courtesy. “Good afternoon, Gran Maestro de’ Medici.” I address him by his official title, again as a sign of respect. I am many things, ill-mannered is not one of them. Lorenzo raises an eyebrow at me and shakes his head.

“Tyrannus, you have been a member of my household for nearly 15 years, I think at this point, you may call me Lorenzo.”

Lorenzo stares knowingly at me. I return the gaze with a raised eyebrow of my own before we both begin to laugh. Lorenzo rises from his seat and comes to greet me. He grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a hug and kisses me on both cheeks. He pulls back to get a good look at me and smiles brightly.

“Ahhhh… It’s good to see you! We do not see you very often anymore. I imagine Angelo has been working you to near death!” I laugh light-heartedly and shake my head.

“Not at all, Lorenzo. I rather enjoy the work, to be honest. It does me good to leaf through the books that once belonged to my family. To hold the pieces that are left of their legacy.”

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to spend time amongst my family’s books. I was a very precocious child, always asking questions and wanting to absorb as much knowledge as I could. When I first arrived in Florence, all I wanted to do was spend time in the library. When Giuliano was still around, he would remind me to have fun and to allow myself to have a childhood… Despite that, most of my life was spent amidst the company of older, learned men.

Lorenzo claps my shoulder and gives it a tiny shake. “Always so somber aren’t you? Your family’s legacy is not dead. You are still around.” He looks into my eyes. Brown eyes, contrasting to my grey.

I sigh at him and start to step away from his grasp. “Only because the Divine has willed it so.”

“You truly have been spending far too much time with the philosophers!” Lorenzo gives me another hearty laugh. “I do need to take a visit to The Academy. It has been far too long since I’ve taken part in one of Marsilio’s symposia.” I detect a hint of melancholic nostalgia in Lorenzo’s voice. Ficino would tell me of the time where Lorenzo was more carefree and would spend days within the Academy, debating the nature of Plato and his ideas on Love. Those were the days before his duties to his family and Florence began to weigh heavily on him.  

A small laugh escapes through my nose.“They do become rather heated. I could hear them shouting from my study the last time.”

“As every great debate ought to be!” Lorenzo leads me towards his desk, but does not sit down just yet.  “Now, Tyrannus. There was a reason I asked to see you.” I nod knowingly and smirk at him.

“You would not be Il Magnifico if there wasn’t an ulterior motive to everything you do.”

Lorenzo laughs heartily. Few people are allowed to see him like this. I am one of the lucky few, for he has known me since I was a child.

And, I remind him of his brother… Giuliano. If circumstances were different, it would be Giuliano giving me this talk, as opposed to Lorenzo. He picks up a small weight from his desk and begins to run it through his hands.

“Tyrannus, you will be celebrating your birthday soon, will you not?” He points to me as he asks me the question. I nod my head in response.

“Yes, Lorenzo. On the 24th, I shall be turning 20 years old.”

Lorenzo stares off wistfully. “Ahh… To be young with a future full of promise. Do not take these days for granted. Soon enough, you will be cursing the ways your body fails you.” He frowns towards his legs. Lorenzo’s family is plagued with gout. His father died as a result of his gout, and he started showing signs much later in his life. Lorenzo has not been as lucky. He clears his throat and continues.

“But I digress. Now, when I decided to take you in as a ward of the Medici family, I told myself I would treat you as if you were one of my own children. I believe I have done a decent job of that.”

I nod and smile at him. “You have. I would have never had the opportunities to read from my family’s ancient texts had your family not taken me in.”

“Correct. Now, it is my duty as your guardian to ensure that a beneficial match is made for you.”

I frown and take a step back. “A… match?” I decide to try and play ignorant. I had a feeling that this discussion was coming. Still, it was not something I was interested in. Besides, I may be Lorenzo’s ward, but I am hardly a member of the Medici family.

“Of course! It is only proper that we find a suitable match for you!” Lorenzo places the weight back down on the desk and begins to shuffle a few of the papers lying about.

“Lorenzo… I do not think anyone would want to be wedded to a Displaced Prince.” I purposely use the slanderous name against me in order to make a point. It may be a name given to insult me, and it does not really bother me. But it is a name based in small truths. I have no lands, no titles, no stability. Lorenzo’s face darkens and addresses me in an aggrieved voice.

“Let me tell you something Tyrannus. Do not allow the words of bitter men to leave a lasting impact on your soul. Now I will make it my duty to see that a proper marriage alliance is secured for you.”

I appreciate the concern, I truly do. But marriage is not a future I see for myself. “Lorenzo. What if I did not want that? I am perfectly content to remain amongst my family’s books in the Academy,” I respond solemnly. My wish is that he drop the subject, but Lorenzo de’ Medici does not work that way.

“Nonsense Tyrannus. You are the sole remaining member of a family that has been around since the time of Constantine the Great! It is your duty to ensure your line does not die.” He waves his arms extravagantly. It is very difficult work not to roll my eyes at him. Men like Lorenzo put far too much emphasis on the past. Yes, it is important to know our past, but too much focus on it causes one to lose sense of the future. I come from an ancient family, it is true, but that family is gone now.

“Lorenzo, I have made peace with my family line dying with me since I was a child. I have my family’s books; I have their legacy and I intend on keeping it alive through their words.” I speak in a soft, somber voice. I almost plead with him to understand my position on the matter.

Lorenzo grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eyes once more. “Will you at least let me try? For your parents…”

My back stiffens and I very nearly glare at him. He knows I cannot say no when my parents are concerned. I sigh in resignation and furrow my brows. I see that I will not win this argument with him, so I offer a compromise; a deal with him.

“What if I gave you until the end of this year? Until the Epiphany celebration; to find me a suitable match? One that I approve of as well.” I emphasize that I shall have the final say (if there is any say at all).

Lorenzo regards me with an astounded look. “You truly have become a part of this family, Tyrannus! Only a Medici would offer up a deal like that.”

I nod towards him and shrug my shoulders. “I did learn from the best. Shall we shake on it?” I offer my hand and Lorenzo takes it willingly.

“Until the Epiphany celebration I shall do whatever it takes to get you married.”

“I don’t doubt that. Would that be all, Lorenzo?” I am ready to get out of this meeting. I really do need some time outside of this building in order to process everything that has just occured. Maybe a ride to one of the neighbouring villages will do me some good.

Lorenzo puts a halt to my plans almost immediately. “Not quite. I had a feeling I would win you over today, so I requested that Signore Botticelli paint a miniature portrait of you. He is already expecting you.”

I try to not groan out loud. Sandro Botticelli is one of the city’s finest painters. At the same time, he is one of the most arrogant men in existence. He has painted every member of Lorenzo’s family, and has never once done so without a complaint. He had been gone from the city for quite some time (The Vatican requested his talents for their holy Basilica). I suppose now that he’s back, Lorenzo has already begun with the commissions. I shake my head at him; the impossible man.

“You truly are one of a kind, Lorenzo.”

“That’s why they call me Il Magnifico. Now go on. You may take one of the horses into town.” Lorenzo walks back to his chair. He settles in and waves me away. I bow my head at him and exit the room.

“Thank you, gran Maestro.”

I make my way to the stables, stopping by my rooms to put on some warm outer clothes. I could walk to the city, but it really is much faster to go by horse and with the sun making its way into midday, I should make my way to Botticelli’s workshop as quickly as possible, before the day begins to darken.

I mount my favourite horse, a chocolate mare I’ve called Minerva, and start to ride towards Florence. As I pass the hills and small houses that dot the trail, I think about how the events of my life have brought me here to this moment.

I come from a long line of nobility from the lost empire of Byzantium, on my mother’s side. She, as well as her family were forced to flee the city of Constantinople when she was a young girl. My grandfather, having impeccable foresight, knew the war against the Ottoman Turks was lost. So he had arranged for all of the ancient books and texts from my family’s libraries to be moved to Florence, to the libraries of Cosimo de’ Medici (Lorenzo’s grandfather). My family was offered sanctuary within the court, but my grandfather had other obligations to attend to. My mother was betrothed to my father, a nobleman from England, so my family settled there. It was where I was born and where I spent the first five years of my life.

But because turbulence and bad luck seem to follow my family like a dark cloud, it wasn’t long before we were destroyed once again. England, at the time, was in the middle of a dynastic war between two royal families; The Yorks and the Lancasters. My father was a Lancastrian and while that worked to his benefit for the longest time, my mother, sharing the same aptitude for forethought as her father, knew that our time in the sun would not last. She had written to several powerful houses in Italy (The Sforza, the Argonese, the de’ Medici, and the Este), and offered them everything we had left if they would take me in, should it be necessary. Out of those families, only Giuliano de’ Medici responded.

I remember the last night I saw my mother and father as if it were yesterday. I still have dreams about it. I remember being asleep in my chambers, when my mother swept inside, bright ruby-red dress flowing around her. She roused me from my sleep and scooped me up into her arms. I could not understand what was happening at the time. She rushed me through the kitchens, where a small band of trusted servants were waiting for us. With tears in her eyes, she held onto me, running her fingers through my dark hair. I remember her smoothing the strands from my face as she reminded me to remain strong and to never forget the lineage I was born into, even in the darkest of nights. The last thing she told me was that I was the very best of both her and my father and that she would always be with me. With a final kiss on my head and a caress of my cheek, she was gone, ruby skirts flowing behind her. I remember crying out to her, begging her to come back. None of it mattered, for we were soon off, galloping on horses as we rode into the night.

My mother had managed to obtain passage for myself and my governess aboard a ship headed to one of the ports controlled by the Florentines. I don’t remember much of the journey to Florence. I think my mind has decided to block those memories from me. All the better, for I wish to never think of them. I do remember docking at one of the ports and my governess quietly ushering me into a small inn, where a tall, handsome man with flowing dark hair and kind brown eyes was waiting for us: Giuliano de’ Medici.

Giuliano was the younger, more care-free brother of Lorenzo. He was, by all accounts, the heart and soul of the Medici family, and it was because of his gentle heart that I found my way into the Palazzo Medici. That day, he took me aside and explained to me that he would be taking care of me from now on. When I asked about my parents, he was kind, yet truthful. He explained that it was almost certain that my parents did not survive the attack. I remember being determined not to cry in front of this stranger, but the thought of my mother was too much for me. A strong, reassuring hand on my shoulder was all it took to let loose the floodgates. As he continued to pat my back, Giuliano explained that we would wait for word from England in case he was wrong, but that I should prepare myself for the worst. He did not sugar-coat the reality of my situation, and I suppose it was because of his honesty that I learned to quickly trust him.

For the next three years, Giuliano looked after me, and treated me as if I was his own son. It took some time for my walls to come down, but eventually I saw him as a father figure in my life. I was beginning to get a true sense of having a family again… when…

But I don’t think about that… About the blood and the knives. I don’t think about the Easter mass that would once again break apart any family and hope I dared to have.

I don’t think about any of that. Instead I make my way to Botticelli’s studio, where the impatient maestro is already waiting for me. I tie up my horse and proceed to knock on the door. The door opens in a rush. Before me stands Sandro Botticelli, all impertinence and self-importance.

“Tyrannus! Glad you could make it!” Botticelli gently grabs my sleeve and pulls me into the workshop. I stand tall and watch him with a disinterested look on my face.

“Signore Botticelli. Always a pleasure.” Botticelli rolls his eyes at my formal address and already begins to scurry about around the workshop. He calls out to me over his shoulder.

“Tyrannus, while I do appreciate the formal greeting, please call me Sandro.”

I shake my head and raise my hands in consternation. “Does no one around here appreciate formality? Fine… Sandro.”

Sandro places a stool in front of a window, where a little soft light has managed to come through. “I see you have finally given in to Lorenzo’s demands.”

“You know how it is. Whatever Lorenzo de’ Medici wants, Lorenzo de’ Medici gets. I would like to get this sitting done as soon as possible.” My continued icy tone is really unnecessary, but I have already had a long day and I find it difficult to mask my disdain.  

“Yes yes, Tyrannus! We all know you have important work to do at the Academy! Tell Signore Poliziano that if he’s got a problem, he can take it up with Il Magnifico!” Sandro waves a hand dismissively towards me and then roughly points to the small stool. I roll my eyes and settle into place. Sandro starts to walk away and yells out towards the back rooms.

“Simon! Where are you, boy?! We are waiting for you!”

I straighten up and roll my shoulders back in surprise. I was not expecting this. I start to get up from the chair when Sandro places his hand on my shoulder, settling me back down. “Wait. I was under the impression that you-”

Sandro casts a dark glare at me and I settle back down. It is clear that he is beyond fed up with my attitude. “Please, I do not have the patience nor the time to paint yet another member of the gran maestro’s household. No, your miniature portrait will be handled by my young assistant. Simon!” He barks out once more, abrasively.

I adjust a crease in my shirt and tuck some of my raven-black hair behind my ear. I look up and my breath becomes caught in my throat.

A broad-shouldered, tawny-skinned young man rushes from the back rooms, carrying what seems to be half of Sandro’s art supplies in his hands. Canvases, boards, charcoal, and paints (why would he need paints right away). I quickly turn my head from him so as to conceal the blush creeping onto my cheeks (clearly I am embarrassed for this young man… nothing more…).

A loud crash makes me turn my head back. I notice a head full of long bronze curls before me, surrounded by scattered charcoal, paints, and brushes on the floor. He looks up at me, blue eyes sparkling and a deep red blush creeping across his face.

Damn it all…

“Apologies… Signore…” He starts to stammer at me. I lift a hand at him and narrow my eyes. I can feel my heart quicken as I begin to think about the many ways I can continue to make him blush. I shake the impure thoughts from my mind and conceal myself behind the mask of indifference I wear around court.

My impervious, cold mask. I need it now than ever. Because a blue-eyed, bronze-haired disaster has just crashed into me and I do not need disasters in my already unstable life.

So, time to scare away another rosy-cheeked young man.

“Pitch.” I reply, with acid in my voice. I turn to Sandro, who looks as if he is just about ready to murder the boy, and drawl out sarcastically, “I must say Sandro, you certainly know how to pick them. I was wondering why I had never seen this apprentice before. I suppose I have my answer.”

I look back to the young man, Simon, who has collected himself and is now wearing a look that could strike me dead. I laugh scornfully at him, which only angers him further.

Perfect.

“I think this one will prove to be more of a handful than you can handle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be getting back to the Academy.” I lift myself from the stool and stroll towards the door. It takes every fibre of my being not to run out of that building as fast as I can. But I have been practiced in the art of nonchalance, so I make it to the door, when Sandro calls out to me.

“Tyrannus!”

I look back to Sandro and his unfortunate assistant. I give them both a mocking sneer and a graceful wave of my hand. “Apologies, Signore Botticelli. I know you are a very busy man. We can try again tomorrow, perhaps.”

I exit the workshop and take a minute to gather my thoughts. The poor boy will probably be getting a tongue lashing from Botticelli. I want to feel sorry for him, but I cannot allow myself to feel anything for him. I untie Minerva and begin to ride out of the city.

As I gallop away from the city, my thoughts start to become more and more cloudy. I try to focus on the translations I need to finish, or on the discussion that Lorenzo and I had earlier today. I even try to think about the many arguments between my Academy peers. But no matter how I try, I keep coming back to one thought and one image.

Of a boy with blue eyes, bronze curls, and a brightly flushed face.

Misfortune and misery seem to follow me around like a dark cloud. And the Divine seems to have played a cruel joke on me. Because after one look into those ordinary blue eyes and I now think I understand the inspiration behind Dante and Petrach’s poetry. I want to read Plato once more and determine if these feelings inside of me count as his version of Love.

How can it be? It is not possible. I pull on Minerva’s reins and hop off. I bend down and start to gasp for air.

It is not allowed…

I take several deep breaths and push my budding feelings down. As deep as they can go. I push them further than the pain of losing my mother, of losing my name. Of losing Giuliano. I shall not permit these feelings to ever come out again. I cannot go back to see Signore Botticelli and that boy!

Simon…

I hope that my cold, intimidating personality is enough to keep him as far away from me as possible. I hope that I have sufficiently scared him away. I hope I never have to look at those ordinary blue eyes again.

Any other path is not an option.

[dimensionwriter]

Love Hidden Within Sorrow

Love Hidden Within Sorrow

F! Demon x Genderless Reader

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Three years. Three long years, you have worked your butt off for this company. You bent over backwards to help make sure that everything ran smoothly and how do they repay you? Fire you for a supposed "better" candidate.

Their excuse being that your good wasn't good enough. And you know what. You were actaully starting to believe them.

You must have been lacking in some way for them to fire you this suddenly. Maybe, you should've worked harder. That might be why they choose the new recruit.

"I was literally in the middle of buying milk when I sense your sadness," someone yelled from beind the couch, the area you decided to be your depressed hole.

A clacking on the red hardwood alerted you that she was making her way around. You really didn't want her to see you like this. It was embarrassing, honestly.

Long, thick, scaley, blood red legs walked towards you and stopped infront of your view. The shape of her legs remind you to dragon's leg. Might even look like a horse leg, if it wasn't thicker and covered in sharp pointy scales.

You willed your watery eyes to continue to move up her body. She was blurry at first, but after a couple of blinks and fallen tears, she became clear.

Her only clothing was a loose tank top with black wrap acorss her chest. For pants, if you could consider it that, she wore a pair of short that look eerily similar to a pair of boxers she brought earlier.

But with this loose and revealing clothing, you could her perfectly sculpted 8 pack abs. Her four muscular arms were either resting down or on her hip, but a single one held a galloon of milk. You felt that she didnt pay for that.

Her bright blue eyes bored into yours as you continue to lay on the couch. Small blue strands of hair escaped from her failed messy bun ontop of her head. She could never do one correctly.

The creature infront of you was your mixed succubus and demon roomate, Anglizera. As a slight joke, you sometimes call her Angel. She doesn't hate it, but instead loves when you use it.

"What's wrong? Who do I need to kill?" She whispered bending down onto her knees and placing her head on the edge of the front of couch. This new position was kind of uncomfortable, since you had to look down at her. And looking down made more tesrs come forward. Or maybe it's because she asked the phrase,"what's wrong?"

"Nothing," you croaked out, flinching out how bad it sounded. No matter how hard you tried to hide your emotion, they always came out around her.

"That was a horrible lie. But I understand if you're not ready to talk about it," she muttered with a sigh in the middle of it. Lifting her head, she begin the process of standing. "But I know what you need."

Her left upper arm reached under your head and cradled your neck while her right lower arm slide under your knees. You didn't put up any resistance as she lifted you off the couch.

"Up you go," she sung with a smile revealing her mouth of sharp teeth. She quickly jumped into the couch and snuggled down until her legs were drangling off the end. Her two free arms moved to your hips to shift you, so you were curled into her side.

"Now, I can't pinpoint the cause of your sadness, but I can feel a lot of self doubt coming out of you," she whispered as her giant hand slowly beging to rub the top of your head, while another rubbed small circles in your back. "And I know for a fact that all those thoughts swarming in your head is false. You are the strongest and most caring human I have ever met. You try your best on everything, even if you sometimes don't believe it's your best. Whatever it is that's causing this sadness, it isn't worth your tears."

Her lower left arm came up to wipe away the tears falling from your eyes. Your body instinctively lean more into her touch.

"My job fired me," you mumbled closing your eyes at saying it out loud. It still hurt. You really thought you were doing great at this job. And they went and fired you.

"It's their fucking lost. They don't know what they are missing. It's their ignorance if they let someone as awesome as you go," she yelled jabbing into the air as if she was yelling at your boss. "And you know what. You were too good for that job and life knew you aren't the type of person to let stuff go. Life probably has an even better job out there waiting on you."

You didn't think of it that way. Maybe she was right. That job did have a couple fo flaws that you were always overlooking.

"Watch you become the CEO of your next business," Angel roared with laughter following. A small smile cracked it's way through your sadness.

You moved your head to look up at Angel to see that her head was already looking down at you. Her blue eyes were twinkling with this shine of proudness. Her arm stopped rubbing your back and wrapprd around your waist.

"I dont think that will happen ," you mumbled trying to joke. An offended scoff escaped her plush lips as she rolled her eyes before returning them back to you.

"Watch it will. You're so amazing that any job will be honoured to have you. I'm telling you. Life may be crap now, but just you wait. Your future is going to be brighter and better than anyone could predict,"she whispered to you as she leaned forward. A small flutter erupted through your heart causing your smile to widen.

"Thank, Angel. I needed that," you said digging your face into her sides. Even though she had scales on her sides, she was still comfortable to cuddle into.

"Hey, I will always be here for you. And just know that I said all this from my heart. You know for a fact I wouldn't hold my tongue for anyone." You nodded your head in agreement. Angel was quite down to earth and hated to sugar coat anything.

"How about this? You go upstairs and clean up. Get in some comfy pjs and I'll cook us something to eat. We could sit down and watch some bad horror movies. How does that sound?"

You answered with a giant smile. Her lips pulled back as she let out a laugh. One of her sharp talons poked your cheeks causing you to puff them out.

"You are so cute," she giggled poking your cheek. You smiled at seeing her giggle. She rarely giggled, but when she did. Gosh, it could melt even the coldest of hearts. "Go get change, so I can get something cooking."

You let out a sarcastic groan, but crawled off her anyway. You made your way around the couch and begin to make your way up the stairs.

"Wait!" Angel yelled causing you to jump and turn towards her. Angel's usually red face was turning to a shade of pink. "You know, you are something special. I mean, extraordinary really. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise."

You know for a fact the first thing you're going to do when you come back down here. She deserved a giant hug.

"And I'm not saying this because you're sppecial to me. Not that I'm saying you're not special. You're extremely special. And I'm still talking. Ignore me and just go get change."

She flopped back down on the couch and a high pitch muffled scream came from her.

Confused and slightly flustered, you begin your journey to your room. What was that last part about?

4 hours later, you laid against Angel as you watched the main character fall for the third time in the row. Even though the movie was horrible, it was the funny type. It was exactly what you needed.

"Hey, you still awake?" Angel whispered next to you. You let out a loud hum to show you were alert.

"So, there's this movie that came out this week and I've heard a lot of people speak positively on it. I was wondering if you would like to see it."

Somthing was off about Angel. The two of you have went to the movies a bunch of times before. But she sound hesistant to ask you. And she's doing that leg bounce that she does when she's nervous.

"Of course," you stated leaning off Angel and turning to look at her. Her blue eyes were glued to the screen as her skin was still that shade of pink. Was she ill?

"I don't mean as a roomate night out. I mean as a da-a date?" Her eyes finally looked towards you. Her face contourted into regret.

"A date?" You asked shocked. Her face fell and her body stiffen up.

"Well, I know you know you just went through something stressful and this is sudden-"

"Yes."

"But I've had these feeling for a long time and I know I'm trying to cross a line here-"

"Yes."

"But I promise to treat you right and to always be there for you-"

"Yes!"

"And I will make sure that this date is awesome and it won't be a flop like any of your exs."

Getting frustrated, you grabbed her face causing her to look back at you. Her pupils shrunk rapidly before slowly moving back normal.

"How many times do you want me to say yes? Yes,yes, yes. My gosh, do you know how happy you just made me?"

Angel's face went confused before realization took over her features. A happy squeal slipped from her mouth as she launched towards you.

All four of her arms wrapped around your waist as she pulled you into her. Her talons rested carefully against your hips as she squirmed happily with you in your arms.

"Gosh, you scared me for a second. I thought you were offended by me asking you on a date," she laughed out giving you a squeeze before plopping back on the couch with you ontop. You giggled as you got on your knees and looked down at her.

Her blue hair pooled around her face making it seem ironically like a halo. All her sharp teeth were present as she held the biggest smile.

"I thought I've been dropping hints all this time, but guess I shouldn't expect much from a demon," you joked poking her cheek. She rolled her eyes in annoyance, but the hand placed on your back told you she got the joke.

"Well, you're going to be dating this big dumb demon and you're going to love every munute of it," she purred lifting her self up and softly placed her forehead against yours. "I will make sure you be treated like a god. And I will worship the ground you walk on."

You let out a nervous laugh as heat crawled up your neck. The tone of the statement and the closeness was so intense . This was unlike Angel, but it wasn't a bad thing.

"We should finish this movie," you quickly exclaimed trying to defuse the tense situation. A low hum came from Angel. She tilted her head and leaned closer to you. A warm pair of lips pressed against your cheek causing you to let out a gasp.

"Sure, baby. But now that I know what your fluster face looks like, I going to keep teasing you to get that cute reaction," she whispered in your ear, not helping the blush at all. Embarrassed, you pushed her back on the couch and face planted on her chest.

"You're so cute," she mumbled with a little laughter at the end. Her left arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer to her.

She didn't tease you for the rest of the movies, but she continued to show small displays of affection: kisses ontop of the head, rubbing your back, and entwining your fingers with hers.

Angel always made you feel better. Even your worst day, she turned into the best. Whoever said demons were cruel, never tried to date one.

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So, I wasn't planning on releasing anything until my computer got fix, but I can't do that. I actually have people that follow me and I'm so greatful for them. I feel like I will be letting them down if I disappear for months on end. So until my computet gets fixed, I'm going to try to write shorter stories (to try to not irritate the people that don't want to read my stuff). This is like an okay middle ground and I will see where this go.

Anyway plase COMMENT what you think of the story or the character, anything really. My favorite thing is to go back through my stories and read the comments. I also have an open ASK box, so if you want to ask me or my ocs then you can just slide over there. Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of your day.

[secretlyatargaryen]

Sansa and Tyrion and The Search for the Lost Husband

It’s hard to talk about Sansa’s narrative and NOT talk about fairy tales, since they are referenced so often and so closely entwined with her story.

I’ve talked before about how there are obvious references to the Beauty and the Beast tale in Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion. I’m also quite fond of this interpretation of Sansa and Tyrion as Cupid and Psyche, and that myth has long been considered the prototype of all Beauty and the Beast stories. It also belongs to a class of tale known as “the search for the lost husband,” of which one of the most well known stories is the Norwegian answer to Beauty and the Beast, titled East of the Sun and West of the Moon.

In the latter story, a young woman is taken by a great white bear to live in his castle, and given all the things she could need in the world. At night, she is visited by a mysterious man whose face she cannot see, and who is always gone by morning. The beats here are much the same as the Cupid and Psyche story. Psyche cannot see her lover’s face but comes to know him as very dear to her, despite being originally told that she would be wed to a monster.

Does this sound familiar?

"Don't lie, Sansa. I am malformed, scarred, and small, but . . ." she could see him groping ". . . abed, when the candles are blown out, I am made no worse than other men. In the dark, I am the Knight of Flowers." 

In East of the Sun and West of the Moon, the young maiden is warned by her mother that it might actually be a troll that she is sleeping with, and told to light a candle when he is sleeping so that she can look upon his face. The same thing happens to Psyche, who is also told to light a candle so that she can see who really comes to visit her at night.

...when the candles are blown out...

Of course, as in many tales, breaking the enchantment of night causes the magic to dissolve, and now that the young maiden has seen his face, the enchanted husband must leave her. In many versions of the story this is treated as a betrayal by the female protagonist of the story, although it is one of ignorance and lack of trust, rather than malice, understandable when one is dealing with an enchanted husband. Similarly, Sansa’s “betrayal” of Tyrion is not really a betrayal of him, as she bears him no ill will and is merely fleeing for her own survival and acting as an unwitting pawn in the game that the Tyrells and Littlefinger are playing.

In the Search for the Lost Husband, both husband and wife are separated by magic and physical distance. There are variations on the story, and parallels with other stories of enchanted brides and grooms. Sansa’s story also has parallels with the animal bride tales that pop up in various cultures, the most well-known of which is probably the Japanese Crane Wife tale, which is also a story about a lost spouse.

“The northern girl. Winterfell's daughter. We heard she killed the king with a spell, and afterward changed into a wolf with big leather wings like a bat, and flew out a tower window. But she left the dwarf behind and Cersei means to have his head."

That's stupid, Arya thought. Sansa only knows songs, not spells, and she'd never marry the Imp. 

In the Search for the Lost Husband, the young woman eventually is able to find and reunite with her enchanted husband after a long journey in which she must undergo many arduous tasks, and then she is able to finally lift the curse that prevents them from being together. These stories are largely female driven and it is the female protagonist who is the hero of the story, who reunites with and saves her love after undergoing her own journey of self growth and discovery.

I’d argue that both Sansa and Tyrion take on both the role of the enchanted bride/groom at various parts in the narrative, and the role of the hero/heroine who must search for their lost spouse and undergo a test of self along the way. Both are sent into exile, and both must undergo hardships and journeys of self-discovery where their very selves will be tested.

I’d also argue that Tyrion is undergoing his own search, for his lost first wife (who was also not who Tyrion believed her to be), although I don’t think he’ll find Tysha. Similarly, Sansa is currently hiding in the Vale and being pursued by various suitors who are often not what they appear to be. I do think that Tyrion and Sansa will reunite in the books, though, and that their marriage is still important to the narrative and will be important in future books.

[overwhelmed-ravenclaw]

Admitting Having PTSD

Admitting something like this is extremely hard for someone. For me, it was especially hard because of the fact of how my family is. They have toxic tendencies and the other side is majority toxic in general. So I am not precisely safe from them playing blame game if they even admit it to themselves that I do have PTSD.  I hope this helps someone else who has to admit their family or to other people about PTSD. Also, I would like to point out that I didn’t tell my whole family (I won’t tell my whole family) and I will also like to say that others may have even more different reactions. It is something scary and no one knows what to precisely expect. I was trying to be trigger wary while writing this. TL;DR at the end I’ll have a line separating them. Everything I pre-typed for this is undercut.  @ptsdconfessions​

My family like most is complicated. It feels to me like mine is more so than a lot of others but I know that probably isn’t the truth. My mom left when I was young, which is important to this but not what this is about. I had accepted my mom left because she wasn’t happy in her marriage to my dad. She explained to me she didn’t know where she was going so she couldn’t take us with. She didn’t want to put us in any kind of danger by accident. For a 7-year-old, I understood she was trying to protect us and get out of a loveless relationship. 

I have 4 older sisters, but one doesn’t play a role in this till years later, so I am going to skip her for the time being. (She was adopted after my mom left and around the time the PTSD started to form)  My counselor and Therapist both had repeatedly suggested I explain more than “I have depression” to my family. They knew that I knew I had PTSD. The reason behind it varied to a bunch of things that most of which happened before I was 13 and there was nothing I could do about it. Some of the stuff that happened later in life adds onto that but I am going to stay vague to avoid triggers as much as I can. None of my PTSD had to do with my mother leaving, or at least very little did, because if she was there then a lot of it wouldn’t have happened.

So I first sat down with my sister and uncle who lived with me. I am going to call this uncle (huge family) U-D, the sister at hand is L. L’s reaction was “So you are mentally insane, that means you can get disability and quit your dream of whatever it is, I don’t know it doesn’t make sense.” My dream is to help children that dealt with same past like me and make sure they don’t end up as bad as I did, so I became a paraprofessional (Fancy word for special needs aide) The other part of my dream is to become a published author. Not through self-publishing but a big name company. I don’t care if my books don’t sell, I want to know that I have at least tried to be an author.

U-D stated that he doesn’t understand how I have PTSD because I was never in the army or warzone. Later on, he learned what happened to me when I was little, or at least small bits, from my sister B. Let just say after learning some information he had dropped that I couldn’t have PTSD and just went with it. L kept pushing me to do things that she knew would trigger me till finally not one but four councilors had all sat down and explained to her what she was doing, she kept it up. She saw that if she can keep triggering me then I will do what she wants to make her leave me alone. Then eventually I told my aunt AD and my Dad. Dad stated he could tell that I had PTSD because of the fact that he was a lousy dad. Which is partly true. If he would have done what should have when I was little then I wouldn’t have it this server. He isn’t fully at blame but he admitted he did things wrong and knows it. AD then learned a few of the things through dad and me. She was supportive and wanted me to seek deeper help. Which I did with her encouragement and her nudging me on the path of healing. Next person I told was my grandmother on my mother side. Up to this point, I have only talked to the family who is on my dad’s side and I can be face to face. My grandparents on my dad’s side passed away years ago and my grandfather on my mom’s side passed away while I was still a baby. So this grandmother was the only one I could talk to. Her reply to finding out made my stomach feel like I had eaten lava and nauseous. You know the feeling that you just did something bad and disgusting and you get after that? Well, that was my version of that feeling. I am getting it now, but I want to get this story out here.

My grandmother’s reaction which a lot of my PTSD does ties back to her in my childhood… was the simple saying “It is your mother’s fault. She left you at such an impressionable age. It caused you to have depression. If you would stop living in the past your doctor wouldn’t mistake it as PTSD. So start smiling more and live in the future!” Which I ended our conversation with a quick “My phone is dying, talk you later” then it took me 2 months to be able to call her again.

My Aunt who works at the hospital AB was next and AB snorted. “I have known that since you were twelve. You on medicine now for anxiety? What kind so I can check it against my copies of your old medical records.” Which was a huge Wait, what? So I told her my meds, she then told me to ask the doctor about lower doses because I don’t take medicine. I never liked to. Which the doctor agreed and gave me lower doses and the kind my aunt requested because, after a second look, the doctor stated that it would be better for me. I have nightmares that make me have insomnia. (Solution to that is lots of caffeine. Mainly coffee.)

My sisters B and M (adopted one I said I would skip for time being) both knew about me having PTSD but because my dad wouldn’t seek help for me when I was little there was nothing they could do until I was an adult. By then they thought I already sought help, but only did about 2 years ago. I haven’t told my eldest sister, because a huge chunk of it is because of her and her husband. I also haven’t explained properly to my mother because I don’t want to make her worry, she has PTSD too. I know I will have to eventually. That just left one uncle that I was extremely close to. AD’s husband. When I finally told him about it he dismissed it stating “Everyone has PTSD.” Which made me confused and I stated that. “Listen, you are perfectly normal. You are fine. Nothing is wrong with you. What they claim is PTSD is normal for everyone. Everyone has it. It is like breathing air, it comes naturally to us. You just have to ignore it and move on in life. Not take the medicine they give you and become a pill popper, man.” ((He’s an old school hippy)) He then started to use that tone that parents do when you have done something wrong when I tried to explain that it wasn’t sadness or depression that I have actual flashbacks and nightmares. That I have physical issues once triggered that too much happens at once to explain in dept. Which one he started to give me that look and down talking me saying basically what he said before. He stormed off and act liked I was an idiot. I was heartbroken because out of everyone, I figured he’d understand. He was drafted into a war when he was 17 so he should have understood, right? Talking to AD later, I explained what happened and I could see the emotions in her eyes seemed to scream in annoyance. Not at me, but at her husband. She then explained to me when she first met him in her teenage years, he was already married but they were filing for divorce, they became good friends since they worked together. She was a waitress, he was the cook. He then told her about how he has been forced to see a doctor who he thinks was coo-coo (her words) he had been diagnosed with PTSD from the war, though he was just a sailor who picked up injured soldiers and brought them home, and he was diagnosed Bipolar. He didn’t like how the medicine made him feel and react so he stopped taking them declaring that they were trying to make him into a pill popper, which she stated it took him months to stop having the withdrawals from the medicine. In the 80s before his daughter was born he tried again, and again he didn’t like how they made him feel and once stopped taking them the withdrawals were the worst thing he has ever encountered or at least that is what he told AD. So much like how older people in our small town area is still using racist words but not in a racist way, only because their mind is set to that programming that can’t be overridden, he is same way about medicine for “fake mental illnesses” and that was why he was so hard on me. He still is hard on me whenever someone brings up about when I need to take my medicine and he is around. It got to the point I have actually started to try to avoid him as much as I can. I hate that because I love spending time with him at his house, we do crafts together and bounce craft ideas off of each other. He used to come over to mow the lawn for me so I didn’t have to use the old push (not engine mower it is an actual push contraption with opened blades and you have to put your weight on it to make it cut the lawn) He does it with his actual mower that is run on gas. Now avoiding him, he started to avoid me too and I hate the feeling of loneliness I got. In my family, it is rare to hear someone to say sincerely “I love you” he did. No one else in my family besides, my mom, B, and M do that. Everyone else does it as if they rehearsed it and don’t mean it. Like it is something that they are supposed to say. Which when I hear it so sincerely from him or my mom or my two sisters that do that, it puts me in tears of happiness because my normally numbed emotionally body is filled with this comfortable warmth. Any bad thoughts or images that popped in my head or even the worst day imaginable, once I hear those words with someone being sincere, it is all out of my mind and I am too happy to care about anything else.

TL; DR // Summary

So each had a different type of reaction to me coming out.

L - Money, thinks she is going to get to control me because I can leave my job (I am not getting money because of PTSD) 

UD - At first not understanding then he is. He makes sure I eat and when triggered he normally gives me chocolates and make sure I take my meds.

AD - Love, lots and lots of love. She buys me random stuff (including lunch while I am working at the school) and my favorite yet is when she baked me a freaking cake because I was annoyed at my sister trying to trigger me before I got to school that day.

Dad - Guilt and understanding.

Grandmother - Blaming everything and everyone else not even caring what was the true cause, when that didn’t work then stated I don’t have it just living in the past.

AB, B & M - They knew already and thus why they were always loving and supportive of me (besides B always states “You are my baby girl, of course, I love you” Then I normally get roped into really tight hugs that make all my bones pop.)

Hippy - Denile. Claims that PTSD isn’t real. Set in old time ways of thinking when really damaging to me but he doesn’t mean to be. He is trying to be helpful.

I’m leaving my mom out, I rather her think for now until I have to tell her, that I just have depression. It is easier on her mental health and I don’t want her to stress and worry about me.