#since I don’t tend to overly speculate about what’s going to happen or spend time finding clues and foreshadowing and stuff

[kirsctein]

it’s kinda funny to read a book and not agree at all to any of the criticism of someone whose reviews you usually rather trust

[shihalyfie]

Absolutely adore your character analysis posts and I just read your Daisuke/Takeru fic and I wondered if you have any fic recommendations focused on them?

Hello! Thank you for the kind words! I’m really glad to hear that my Daisuke/Takeru fic is well-received, I’m rather inexperienced as an actual writer of the ship and I feel I still have room to do better with it, but I definitely want to do more in the future ^^

In regards to fanfic recommendations...well, this is where I’m going to sound like a massive hypocrite, but as far as Daisuke/Takeru goes, I’m actually much more familiar with Japanese comics for the ship than I am English-language fanfic. In writing this, I’m really afraid that this is going to come off as something like “I think Japanese work is better” because it’s really not meant that way (in general, I dislike the idea of putting people on a pedestal just because they’re Japanese), and it’s more just due to a combination of factors that ties into the differences between the respective fan cultures, my own narrow and picky personal preferences, and how the ship (which doesn’t exactly have a huge number following in any country) gets involved with those.

English-language fanfiction is generally centered around long-form prose fiction posted for free on the Internet, whereas Japanese fanfiction usually centers around comics, often from people who are accustomed to selling actual books to people who are willing to pay money for it, and that has a huge impact on creating some rather significant differences when it comes to a ship like this:

Prose fanfiction with no length limit means that English-language fanfiction has a strong tendency towards “pure AUs” (of the “coffee shop” sort, where the entire circumstances behind the meeting and relationship are different), whereas books that have a very limited length are more likely to take the canon universe-based speculative fiction (mostly based on the canon events and timeline, with maybe at most a few “what-if?” changes) route, and while I of course have nothing against a good AU nor the lovely people who put tons of thought into it, my favored genre is more the latter (and it’s why both Daisuke/Takeru fics I’ve written are in that category).

I actually don’t check ship tags as often as you’d think! Although the ships I’ve written for (i.e. feel comfortable writing) are very few, I like a lot of ships, and I spend more time browsing generic tags and seeing what people put in there that might interest me. Daisuke/Takeru isn’t really all that popular in the mainstream in any country, but it does seem to have a dedicated niche following among 02 doujin artists who put out books, and my suspicion is that it’s because of the above limitations -- it’s a ship you don’t necessarily have to set up a full backstory for but still have enough “drama” to fill a book that people will pay money to read about. So as far as “running into it by accident” goes, it happens a lot more often with those kinds of artists...(despite that, I actually can’t afford to import that many books, so I’m still heavily reliant on said artists kindly and generously choosing to post their work online).

A large amount of English-language fanfiction is based off the American English dub, and while I have nothing against it personally, the dub for 02 in particular had a lot of differences in characterization -- especially with Daisuke -- to the point I almost consider it its own version of canon, and my own personal preference is strongly with the Japanese version. (It’s not even that easy to use the use of Japanese vs. dub names as a caliber, because you get a lot of people who use Japanese names but are clearly writing for the dub, and the result is that a reader like me who sticks mostly to the Japanese version will often get massive whiplash.) Daisuke is a character I especially am picky about the portrayal of, since he’s actually a very difficult character to grasp and too easy to pigeonhole, and it takes quite a bit of balance between the fact he’s such a supportive and positive person while also being very rough around the edges and easy to irritate, and my desire to see a diligent effort made in pulling off this balance is a huge reason I end up very picky about reading 02 fanfic. (And yet people claim he’s a flat or underdeveloped character...)

At the risk of touching upon an awkward topic, a lot of English-language fanfic that has Takeru involved in it tends to make a prominent effort to include a certain topic that is a massive landmine (as it’s called) for me, and I feel absolutely awful about it because I’m sure the author tried really hard to make it work, but touching on the topic in any significant way gives me negative whiplash to the point I end up unable to enjoy it as a reader. This doesn’t happen as much with comics (in any language) due to the more limited scope, but especially not with doujin-based comics, since we’re talking stuff you have to actually sell for money, and said topic is especially a landmine among doujin artists (the Pixiv wiki article has some, uh, less than kind things to say about it) and even more so among 02 fans, so said fanwork tends to either avoid the topic entirely, or not touch on it significantly to the point it makes it uncomfortable for me to read.

I really feel awful and like a massive hypocrite for saying this, because by all means I should be supporting fellow fanfic writers as someone who writes fanfic myself, but this is where I admit I’m the self-indulgent/selfish kind who kind of just throws things out there as I like!

If you are interested in some of the kinds of comics I mentioned, I can definitely recommend some, but I’d like to do it privately (i.e. please send me another ask so I can send it there) after I’ve confirmed if you’re okay with a rec even if it’s in Japanese, and what you might be comfortable/not comfortable with reading (Pixiv, unfortunately, is no AO3 and is absolutely awful about things having content warnings or proper content description tagging). There are definitely ones I really love, even putting aside the text itself, because the facial expressions and story presented perfectly capture the paradox of distance and closeness between the two, the drama of trying to close that gap, and the contrast between the ostensibly open but emotionally closed in Takeru, and the ostensibly rough around the edges but actually emotionally sensitive Daisuke. But recommendations of this sort are the kind I’d definitely like to do once I know the person’s preferences!

(I’m so sorry for making this drag on for so long; the fact I run an overly detailed meta blog probably might have clued you in on this, but I like talking too much...)

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Starfish in the sand

Collecting seashells is fun! Finding little treasures in the sand is something that never gets old. It's one of the little wonders of nature that keeps on giving.

Seashells are so cool and fascinating to look at. No two are alike and you never know what you'll find in the sand. Once in a while unique shells pop up in the beach, like these golden starfish ones. I don't know how long they'll stick around, so I try to collect a bunch to keep and give as gifts.

Jamie and Nedra have been staying at the camp for a while, enjoying the scenery and activities. It's been a long time since Jamie visited and this is Nedra's first time. A few days later Chrissie, Theda, Jean, and Emma joined us - which was why Jamie and Nedra stuck around.

So we've been having fun collecting seashells and doing craft projects with them. We made jewelry, decorated furniture, painted them, put together gift bags - there's a lot you can do with seashells! It's also nice to just chill and hang out with friends - especially Jean and Nedra as I haven't seen much of them since the entourage disbanded.

Jean's an actress and model with an interesting story regarding her family. Around the same time she joined the entourage, she had reunited with her father, who she hadn't seen in over 20 years. Up until she was around 5 Jean was raised by her mom. After she died, her dad decided to come back into her life and change his ways, abandoning the life of a conman. So he married his longtime partner and adopted Jean in hopes of starting over.

Unfortunately things didn't quite work out. Although Jean and her dad got along well, he fell back into his old schemes by stealing from heiress Agathe Dieudonne when he was going through some financial problems. The heiress forgave him since she took a liking to Jean and offered to send her to a prestigious boarding school in France so she can see the world. When her dad's old ways of living started to catch up with him, he and her stepmom decided to take up Agathe's offer so Jean could have a better life.

Over the years Jean kept in touch with her dad and stepmom through letters. Agathe doted on her like a granddaughter and used her connections to keep an eye on Jean's dad to make sure he was doing okay. Jean became aware of his past when she grew older, and the way she sees it, the conman and her dad are two different people. The fact that he tried his best and was willing to give her up so she could have a better upbringing is more than enough for her.

When she moved back to the states to pursue Broadway, Jean set out to reunite with her dad. It surprisingly wasn't too hard to find him and her stepmom as they happened to live on Peace Coast Island, not too far from where Jean was when she was in the entourage. Since then they've made up for a lot of lost time and Jean makes time in her busy schedule to visit often.

In a few weeks, Jean will be on tour for a show and one of the stops is the island. Coincidentally, Nedra's gonna be touring too and so she'll be performing a few nights at Starlight as well. The two became good friends through Jamie, becoming mentors for a drama program at Starlight Theatre as well as regular performers there for a time. Since the entourage disbanded they became super busy so it's nice that they finally got together for a long overdue meet up.

I told Jean about how Marlo's a huge fan of her and like Nedra, she's down to returning to the camp to meet her. We're still working out the details but Nedra and Jean will coordinate their schedules while I check in with Marlo and Don. It's gonna be fun having them all together!

Things have been the same old in Camellia according to Theda. Chrissie pops in for a visit every now and then, usually to bother Tanner or cause mischief with Lala, Theda, and sometimes Delwyn. It's good to hear that he's been doing much better these days - still, Edvin's absence continues to be a gaping presence.

Theda was right when she said that sooner or later, they'll move on and be okay - but it doesn't change the fact that what's gone is gone. And I fully agree with her.

Chrissie has also been spending a lot of time with Emma and her nieces and nephew, especially now that Emma lives about 15 mins away. She mentioned that Rocky and Lex have their hands full with the babies, which is why she's been bothering other friends. Emma doesn't mind as she's still adjusting to living in Cityburg, a drastic change of scenery after spending most of her life in a moderately sized suburban town.

Emma's doing a lot better since moving out and living with her brother Danny and his kids. She always got along with her mom's side of the family better than her dad's. Her mom's the type of parent who tends to be a bit overly critical of her kids but means well and just wants the best for them. As for Emma's father, he clearly favors her younger brother while putting Emma down for pretty much everything.

What prompted Emma to leave - aside from the threat of getting cut off financially - was something unforgivable her younger brother did. It's a fucking mess and if he keeps this up, I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up destroying him. It also didn't help that their father contributed by adding fuel to the fire.

Basically, the brother's one of those shitty tabloid people who profits out of ruining lives. The incident involved a close friend of Emma's, who died unexpectedly due to illness. The brother, who hated the friend for petty reasons, got a hold of Emma's phone, looked through her texts and took a lot of her conversations with her friend out of context to paint the friend and her family in a bad light.

In short, he turned a bunch of texts into "signs" that the friend was likely murdered by her family. He also revealed private information about the friend and how she was going through a rough time, claiming those as motives for why her family wanted her dead. He also made it look like Emma was the one to bring up the speculation, which the family knows is a load of bullshit. To those who knew the friend, it's clearly a pathetic attempt to ruin someone's name for clout.

As a result of the incident, Emma's mom had enough and kicked the father out, which Emma said was long overdue. As for her younger brother, her mom hasn't disowned him (yet) but she's made it clear how she found what he did despicable. Danny never approved of his stepfather and didn't get along with the youngest, so his reaction to what happened was along the lines of disappointed but not surprised.

Since I last saw Emma, things have improved a lot between her and Margie. Although they're aunt and niece, they've always gotten along more like sisters. While Rusty and Linda took quickly to having their aunt move in, there was some tension with Margie, though it had nothing to do with Emma personally. Margie was forced to grow up quickly after their other dad, Terry, and older sister Sherry, died last year, so things haven't been easy for the family.

With Danny having trouble balancing work and family life and Emma having problems at home, he decided to take her in. Emma says their mom has mixed feelings about it, believing that Danny's giving her an easy way out. If anything, I think Emma's a hard worker, but not in a way a capitalist society approves of it. In other words, capitalism can't profit off someone like her, so it sees her as useless. By living with Danny, an entertainer who not only understands what she's going through, but has also made a successful life for himself and his kids, Emma can freely pursue her creative passions without worries.

Right now, Emma's been working on creating content for her channel, posting journal with me videos and vlogging everyday life. She hopes to open her own sticker shop one day so Daisy Jane's gonna help her with that when the time comes. For now, she wants to focus on developing her art style by experimenting and studying other artists before getting into all that. I'm so excited to see where this will take her!

Chrissie and Theda have been really into making charms so that's what we're gonna do with the tiny seashells. I think the little starfish shells make the prettiest charms, especially on a bracelet. We also have some jewelry wire so I'm thinking of making earrings too. It's been years since I've made earrings so it's good to finally use up those earring hooks.

For the larger seashells, we're thinking of using them to decorate furniture. Theda used a bunch of seashells to decorate an old mirror she found while thrifting with Daisy Jane and it looks sooooo pretty! The decor and the gold paint looks like a vintage picture frame with the starry seashells giving it a sorta celestial vibe. I'm still not sure what to decorate yet but I'm considering one of the old bookshelves that's sitting in storage that has been in need of fixing up for a while.

Emma's been filming footage for her vlogs so I try to do a bit of everything so she can have the full camping experience. So far it's mostly sightseeing, crafting, and chilling with the campers. From what it looks like, Emma's considering splitting the content into two videos - one for seashell crafting and one for sightseeing. I'm flattered that she can get so much out of the camp!

Jean and Nedra find the camp a good spot to unwind from their busy lives. Before meeting up with the others Jean visited her dad and stepmom, who will see her again when she returns to Starlight for opening night. She also said the next time she drops by, she plans to come via plane as she's a pilot, like Chrissie. I think Marlo would die on the spot when she finds out that she would be in a plane flown by Jean Theodora!

Today was a low key day where we wandered around, enjoying the sights and taking it slow. We actually didn't do too much crafting today, which is fine as we tackled a lot of big projects early on so we were kinda running low on shells. So we ended up with a pretty good haul and a bunch of new ideas for craft projects.

No matter how busy or chill the days are, we always find ourselves back at the beach, searching for starfish in the sand.

[movetogetherau]

Move together. A Yousana AU - Chapter 6

Summary,  Chapter 1,  Chapter 2,  Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Read it also on ao3

The promotion tour for a movie is Sana’s favorite part of her job, after the actual acting of course. She gets to travel all over the country and even go abroad to tell people about her work and how much fun it was.

Yousef on the other hand has never done something like this. Whenever he does a project as a model, be it for posters, tv commercials or being on the runway, he just did that and the marketing teams did the rest. He only had to be there for parties but never as the main focus.

It’s all very foreign to him.

Especially considering that he’s on a promotion tour for a movie while having to act like he’s in a relationship with his co-star Sana Bakkoush.

After the conversation they had outside the studio, Sana and Yousef returned to the writers’ room to tell them that they were going to do it, they were going to pretend that they were dating. To say that the writers, people from promotion and their own agents were shocked by their decision is not an exaggeration. They had been so angry when they had heard the proposition that neither of them thought that they would accept. But Yousef and Sana wanted the best for the movie and if they thought that this was the best, they had to at least try.

The rules were simple. All they had to do was spend some time together in public, something that they were already doing anyway, and sit together in interviews, another thing that they were going to do even if they hadn’t agreed since they were the main characters of the movie. The PR staff had explained to them that they shouldn’t be too blunt about their ‘relationship’, this is Hollywood and actors that are in a relationship don’t admit it, at least not at first. Still, they had to make sure to share a few glances during interviews and drop a few hints here and there so the rumours and expectation would increase.

“Today, we’re joined by Sana Bakkoush and Yousef Acar who play Dounia and Hakan in the upcoming movie ‘Finding the truth’. Welcome!”, the overly-cheery interviewer says and claps which his notecards in his hands make harder than it should be.

Sana and Yousef try not to cringe too much about the guy pronouncing their names wrong. They’re both used to that anyway.

“Hi, thanks for having us!”, Sana says.

At the same time Yousef says:” Hello, we’re really excited to be here!”

“So Yousef, Sana, tell us a little about your movie. We know your character Yousef, helps Sana’s character to find what she’s looking for. Should people expect an epic romance between your characters?”

“Well, yeah...I guess you could say that there’s some chemistry between Sana’s character and mine. But I think that the important plot of the movie is Dounia’s search for her sister”

Yousef answer after paying so much attention to the interviewer that Sana would have guessed it’s not his very first interview like this. But the thing that surprises her most is the answer itself.

She didn’t expect him to answer like this. He’s the love interest. He could have just cared about his role in the movie. But he doesn’t. He understands the most important aspect of it.

Yousef looks at Sana, maybe to check if she agrees or not, maybe to just make sure he didn’t mess up answering this question completely.

Well, what he didn’t expect to see was Sana looking at him, giving him so much attention. Her eyes only directed at him, eyebrows slightly raised and a small smile playing on her lips.

She really is an amazing actress, Yousef thinks.

“Of course, family is more important that love, that’s clear”, The interviewer says reading his notecards to find his next question. “So Sana, you play Dounia, a girl that’s looking for her sister. What can you tell us about her? Do you feel identified with her?”

“Well, I admire Dounia so much. She’s such a strong woman. She fights for what she thinks is right. She may seem a bit cold sometimes but when it comes to her loved ones, she’s willing to do whatever it takes to make sure they’re okay. She has a big heart and she’s also so smart. I don’t really know if I’m like her but I’d like to think that someday I will.”

Yousef’s head snaps to Sana, who’s sitting on his right side. Is she being serious.

“Oh, she’s like her.”, Yousef immediately says with a very convinced look on his face.

Sana raises her eyebrows, not aware that she’s already smiling a that. She’s not sure if he’s just saying that for the cameras or if he actually  means it. Either way, it’s nice of him to say.

“It sounds like Yousef thinks you’re all those things. What about you, Yousef? Are you anything like Hakan?”

“If I’m being honest here, I don’t think so. When I first got the part of Hakan and I read the script, I’m not going to lie, he was kind of this cocky, overconfident sometimes annoying guy. But I tried to change him a little bit and make him into a good guy, and I really hope that people can see that. He also made a mistake during the movie that I, Yousef, would never make. He did it because he had lost hope but still, is something that I wouldn’t do. So yeah, what I’m trying to say is that I’m nothing like Hakan. I’m Yousef, I’m not Hakan. But I think that’s what acting is about, we’re actors so we’re asked to play people that aren’t like us”

Sana can’t help herself and laughs. Sure, Yousef is nothing like Hakan. At all. While he was talking Sana just shook her head with a knowing look on her face.

The interviewer notices that look and when she laughs, Yousef looks at her too.

“Apparently Sana thinks you are not as different from Hakan as you say, Yousef.”

This makes Yousef tilt his head slightly and watch Sana answer the interviewer: “Well, Yousef is like Hakan in many ways. Of course, he is not cocky or annoying. Everyone that spends a bit of time with him can see that. But … there are similarities.”

To Sana it’s so obvious that Yousef is new to the acting thing by how he answers to the simple question people usually answer with one or two sentences. He just kept rambling and honestly, it’s very entertaining when you know Yousef personally.

Sana finishes talking and looks over at her co-star and finds him looking at her. He has his eyebrows furrowed a little in confusion but he smiles at her. When their eyes meet his facial expressions relax and they start smiling at each other.

Not looking away from Sana he comments: “Well, maybe I have some things in common with Hakan.”

-x-

“Did he just admit what everyone is thinking?

I’m Ashely Johnson and this is Hollywood today, you’re best source to find what’s up with your favorite LA people here on YouTube. Today we’re going to talk about the stars of the upcoming movie ‘Finding the truth’

For those who had watched the trailer of the movie it is no secret that this movie is going to be a huge success. But has this movie brought to the lives of the actors more than just career success? Our sources say so.

Ever since the filming started there have been lots of rumours about actress Sana Bakkoush and co-star and model, and now actor, Yousef Acar taking their chemistry beyond the screen. Now these rumours may have been confirmed by the actor himself.

When asked about the similarities they share with their characters Sana Bakkoush seemed to think that her character was everything she wants to be like to which Yousef answered with and quote, “she’s like her”. Now this may not seem much, only that he thinks highly of her but that’s not all that happened in that interview. When the reporter asked Yousef if he was anything like Hakan, the Turkish boy he gives life to on the big screen, he started rambling about how he’s nothing like him. Apparently his co-star didn’t agree with that and said that he is like his character. You’re still wondering how this proves anything? Well, then this happened.

In this clip we can see how Yousef and Sana share an intense -and loving maybe?- look with each other. And not only that, but right in that moment Yousef, not tearing his eyes off his co-star, goes ahead and says, quote “Well, maybe I have some things in common with Hakan”.

Whether this is just a pair of actors getting along or the start of a new romance off-screen, we may not know for awhile. But right now all we can do is speculate and enjoy their shared interviews, something tells me that they are going to give us lot to talk about.

Until then, we leave you with this montage of pictures that fans have taken of them during these past few months. As you can see, they clearly like spending time together.”

-x-

When you’ve been doing interviews for several weeks, or years in Sana’s case, you tend to prepare your answers. Almost every reporter asks the same questions. ‘Are you like your characters?’, at which Sana usually says good things about her character and how she’d like to think that she’s like them. ‘What is your favorite part of acting?’, this time, Sana would answer that she loves filming and meeting the fans but that she also has a lot of fun doing this kind of interviews, cue to a polite smile and the reporter will love you. Then there’s Sana’s favorite question, ‘can you give us a little spoiler about what is coming?’. As if she was allowed to say anything. This would be the time where Sana smiles shyly at the reporter, as if she was utterly sorry about not being able to share details about it, and says that she can’t really say much, only that she really hopes people like it.

But then, there are some questions that Sana doesn’t like. Some questions that maybe aren’t meant to hurt her, she really doubts that the reporters want to be rude, but that still sting. Some questions that remind Sana that as much as she works hard to make a name for herself, there still will be people that will see her different.

“So Sana, Yousef, I have to ask. There have been rumours about you being together since you started filming. Is there something you want to comment about that?”

“Well” Sana also knows the answer to this question. She has to smile and reply something vague, that will make them think that they’re together but without giving too much away. “We can’t really tell people what the should and shouldn’t think, can we?”

The interviewer just smiles at the two actors sitting across from him.

“So, can I ask… Sana, how is it possible for you as a Muslim to play roles that have love interest and to be .. or not to be with Yousef?”

At that question Sana tries hard not to show how much this question affects her, how her stomach sinks. You’d think, you get used to these types of questions after some time. Well, she didn’t.

Still, over the years Sana found the best way to answer this. Saying ‘I chose the roles I want to play, that are what I want to do, like every other actress and actor too’.

Right now, she doesn’t get the chance to say that. Out of the corner of her eye Sana sees Yousef stiffen, so she turns to him. He looks shocked, his mouth falling open and eyes wide. He shakes his head at the interviewer.

Yousef starts talking before Sana can intervene.

“ What kind of question is that?”, Yousef obviously tries to stay calm and he speaks in a controlled manner.

“I just…”, the interviewer starts answering  but looks lost. As if he didn’t think there would be any problem with this question.

Yousef, once again, just shakes his head.

“Well, if you're going to be ignorant and totally out of place you should have asked both of us and not just her because I'm Muslim too and on top of all.. you're also sexist if you really only see a difficulty in an actress and her relationships and not with an actor.”

Sana watches as Yousef calls out the interviewer in such a collected manner that it impresses her. Still, she can see that he is offended by that and has no understanding for that question.

She puts her hand on his arm to get his attention and maybe, to calm him. Like she hoped, he turns to her and looks her in the eyes. She can see that he’s really sorry that she had to hear that question. It’s not even just what the interviewer said, it’s how he said it.

While Sana can’t help but feel a little proud that Yousef just did that so good, without shouting or getting visibly angry, she also feels a bit uncomfortable. Not because of what Yousef said. She completely agrees. But rather because this is Hollywood and you don’t call people like that out in front of the camera. It only leads to unnecessary conflict and reputations to get ruined. Usually not even that of the ignorant person but that of those people that stood up against it. She doesn’t want that for Yousef, especially not because of a comment directed at her. She can deal with it on her own. She’s been doing that for years.

Yousef puts a hand over hers on his arm and squeezes it lightly. He mouths a ‘Sorry’ to her. It doesn’t matter if he means what the interviewer said or how he reacted. Either way, he makes Sana smile.

.-x-

.

-x-

Gifset: “Yousef and Sana being cute on their latest interview”

#yousana #yousef acar #sana bakkoush #findingthetruth

35.874 notes.

-x-

When Sana and Yousef get called in to have a meeting with the same people who suggested the fake relationship, while the rest of the cast goes out to have drinks after a day full of TV-promotion, they have no doubt that they probably won’t like want they will hear.

Agreeing to act like you’re in a relationship is one thing, they don’t have to do much other than looking at each other more often than at other cast members and smile a little more when you’re around each other.

Well, the only reason for being brought in to talk about that whole thing can be an addition to the plan.

“I’m sure you’re both wondering why we called you, don’t be scared, it’s not bad news.”

Sana and Yousef share a knowing look. Not bad news. Good to know but then again, their definition of what’s good and what’s bad news might differ from Robert’s definition.

“Well, after our last meeting I think I’ll wait till I know what’s going on to decide if it’s bad of good news”, Sana says half joking half serious. This meeting is giving her flashbacks of their last one and she’s not liking it at all. But then, what can be worse than pretending that they’re together?

Robert raises his eyebrows at Sana, looking a bit annoyed. He doesn’t have the right to be annoyed, if anyone should be, that’s the two actors in the room.

“I’ll go to the point then. We need you to go public about your relationship.”

Oh well, that.

“Public? I thought we were already public?” Yousef is a little confused, people already think that they’re dating, what could be more public than that?.

“You know next week is the premiere, right? You’re going to go there together…as a couple.” Robert is the only one in the room talking, besides Sana and Yousef.

“What does that imply? What would we have to do?”, Sana asks. She knows what she’s willing to do and what she’s not, and she hopes that they know too.

Looking back and forth between Yousef and Sana, and their agents, Robert explains.

“All you have to do is go there together, in the same car and all. I mean you were already going to do that. But when the reporters ask you if you’re together, this time you say yes.”

Sana furrows her eyebrows and looks at Yousef. He seems very lost, like he has no clue how to deal with this. It’s understandable. Sana has never done something like before but she’s been in this industry for a lot longer than he has. She can adapt a little better.

So that’s why she asks the next question.

“Why? I mean, why now?”

“The rumours are already there, and after your...encounter...with that reporter, Yousef, everybody loves you even more. They’re really into this idea of you being a couple so we’ve decided to give the public what they want. The premiere is the perfect time. It’s right before the movie hits theaters all over the world and you know a bit more people would go see it just because the main characters are dating in real life.”

Yousef feels like laughing. That ‘encounter’ with that reporter was not for show. It was something that is important to him. It was not for people to like him more. It was just to make clear how he sees it.

“So, basically...Everything will be just like now, except that when asked if we’re together we say yes?” Sana can’t believe she’s really doing this. She agreed to it before, there is no going back now. ‘Breaking up’ right before the movie airs would be a huge mistake.

“That’s exactly what we need, Sana.”, it’s the first time any other person in the room talks. Agnes answers Sana and smiles at her reassuringly.

Sana faces her agent and just nods.

“Okay...I mean, we already said that we were going to do this so...yeah, I guess it’s fine by me.”

“Great. What about you, Yousef?”, Robert turns to Yousef, who he had ignored for the past minutes while talking to Sana.

Yousef doesn’t look at him for long though. He turns his gaze towards Sana who’s already looking at him, waiting for his answer. They’ve been a team for a while now, that wouldn’t change now.

“If she’s in, I’m in.”

Sana smiles at him weakly and he smiles right back.

But of course that was not enough. Robert keeps talking.

“One more thing though. You should probably tell your family. Not the truth, of course, that wouldn’t be wise. But you should tell them the same story about how you two started your relationship. You know how the press can be and in case someone contact them, they should be ready. We can’t have two versions of the story.”

It’s like they’re reliving that day they first heard about this pretend-relationship.

Once again both of them leave the room. Once again Yousef goes one way, Sana the other way.

The difference: they’re not angry. Not at each other and not at the people left in the room.

-x-

“Hey! Can you see me?” After a few attempts, her parents are not that good with technology, Sana manages to facetime them.

“We see you! Oh you look beautiful. How are you?”, Sana’s mom leans closer to the phone, taking up all the space on the screen for a moment.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. And yes, I’m eating well, I promise!”, Yousef answers his mother’s favorite question.

“You should call more often, we miss you.”, leaning in closer to the camera, Yousef’s mom says. Yousef thinks he can see tiny tears, his mother has always been very emotional.

“I miss you too, a lot...I...I was calling you because I need to tell you something!” Sana really does miss her family a lot. She loves her job but she loves them more and that her parents both look at her with kind-of sad looks doesn’t help.

“Is there something wrong?”, Sana’s dad asks, taking the phone from his wife’s hand.

“No, there’s nothing wrong. It’s good news, actually. I wanted to tell you before you find out from other person”, Yousef reassures his father, who went into his protective-mode too quickly.

“Come on Yousef, just say it.”, Yousef’s dad says, obviously not being able to wait any longer.

“Okay so...There’s this boy.”, Sana begins this difficult part of the conversation.

“There’s this girl.”, Yousef says, not looking at his phone for a second.

“Are you dating a girl, Yousef?”, Yousef’s mom immediately asks, starting to smile widely.

“Yeah, it’s really new but, we’re dating.”, Sana says, a bit bashful. She doesn’t like lying, especially not to her parents. It’s only for a short amount of time, she tells herself.

“Oh...that’s...unexpected.”, Sana’s father says. Doesn’t matter how old she is, Sana is his only daughter and any indication that she’s actually growing up is something he’s not sure how to handle.

“But who is he? How did you meet him? When?” Of course her mother is the one asking a million questions as soon as she tells them. Sana laughs at that.  

“She’s...she’s Sana Bakkoush.” Yousef starts smiling.

“He’s Yousef Acar.”, Sana replies with a smile.

“Sana Bakkoush? THE Sana Bakkoush?”, Yousef’s dad asks, sounding … impressed. Yousef nods laughingly. Yes, that would have been his reacting only weeks ago if someone told him he would be dating Sana. Well, fake dating.

“Yeah, he’s my co-star. You may know him actually? He’s a norwegian model.” Sana knows her parents don’t care for things like this. They’re usually never impressed when she tells them about other actors or artists she has met.

“Yes...I think I’ve seen him on some posters around the city. He’s...he’s really something.” Sana’s mother say with a smile playing on her lips. She glances over to her husband and then back to Sana again.

“Yes, dad. I know she’s beautiful, believe me, I know.” How can Yousef not know? She’s even looking beautiful at 5 in the morning for early shoots. He presses his lips together, trying to concentrate.

“She’s Muslim, isn’t she?”, Yousef’s mother asks, obviously already knowing the answer. Yousef doesn’t miss the look his mother shoots his father, looking very happy in this moment.

“Yes, he’s Muslim. But not only that. He’s such a nice guy. He respects me and he’s funny.”, Sana answers her mother’s question she knew would be asked.

“She has a huge heart and she’s so strong. She doesn’t hesitates when she thinks something isn’t fair. And she’s so talented!” Once he starts talking about her, positive things about her just come to Yousef’s mind back to back.

“At first I have to admit that we didn’t get along. But on our first day filming he was having trouble with his lines and I helped him. Then when we started filming something just...clicked.” Sana remembers the first day they filmed together and almost forgets that she’s talking to her parents, smiling to herself.

“She was amazing. She came to talk to me even if she didn’t have to. She made me feel better about myself and she helped me a lot. As soon as we started filming something just...clicked.” Remembering his first day of filming, Sana is always the first person he thinks of. If she didn’t help him things would’ve turned out a lot different. He doesn’t even notice that he didn’t stop smiling since this conversation about her started.

“Well, he sounds like a really nice boy.”, Sana’s mother says, noticing how happy her daughter seems. That’s the most important thing to her.

“He is, he really is.”, Sana says, nodding along.

“She sounds like a great girl.”, Yousef’s mother says, noticing how happy her son seems. What else can she wish for?

“She is, she really is.”, Yousef agrees, smiling and happy that his parents seem to like Sana already.

Ending their calls, Sana and Yousef both leave their old dressing rooms and walk to the same spot. Outside, to the wall of the studio they had talked at on Yousef’s first day of filming. They did not talk about meeting here and yet here they are, walking towards each other.

“How’d it go?”, Yousef asks Sana.

He notices that she looks happy, that’s a good sign.

Sana leans on the wall behind her and looks at Yousef with a smile.

“Pretty good.”, what else is she supposed to say. “And with your parents?”

Yousef follows Sana’s lead and leans on the wall, turning his head to her.

“Pretty good, too.”

They smile at each other for a few moments, not saying anything else. The sun is setting, tinting the sky a warm orange.

Sana smiles at the shadows falling on Yousef’s face. Even now, when it’s so late and the last sunlights fall on his face in a unflattering way, Yousef still looks good. He definitely is a model.

Which makes her think of something.

“Actually, …”, she speaks up and Yousef looks at her with more attention. “...my mom already knew you from posters hanging on walls around the city.”

Yousef doesn’t know how to react to that. Is she saying that to make fun of him? He always found it a bit weird seeing him on huge posters somewhere in the city.

Instead of saying anything to that, he answers with something similar.

“My parents obviously know you already.”, Yousef says with a grin, shrugging.

Sana interrupts him before he can say more. She pushes herself off the wall and raises her eyebrows.

“‘Obviously’?”, she asks, narrowing her eyes.

Now Yousef pushes himself off the wall and stands right in front of Sana. She has to look up a little.

“Yes, obviously. You’re an actress from Oslo that made a name for herself in Hollywood. Of course the know you!”

For some reason this leaves Sana speechless. The way Yousef looks at her while saying this, teasing but in a soft way, makes her stop before instantly answering.

Even though this is the perfect timing for Yousef to tease her even more, he can’t. He’s too distracted by how beautifully cute she is. She looks so surprised about what he said which he can’t understand at all.

That’s how they stand there for seconds, maybe minutes.

Someone blaring their car horn a street down makes them snap out of it. They both look on the floor, trying to collect their thoughts.

Yousef is the first one to say something.

“Ready to go?”, They would join their cast mates.

Sana nods until she remembers one thing.

“I need to call one more person.”

Yousef just nods and gives her the privacy she needs by already walking to the car. Sana watches him walk away and then looks down on her phone. She finds her brother’s number and presses call.

[steamishot]

Mid-May

It’s a little slow at work today and I’m planning on sneaking out early. I think I’m PMSing again. Lately, I’ve been a little overly fascinated by pretty girls on IG/IG influencers and models. Before, I would follow just one group of influencers but now I see so many young, wannabe or rising models on the explorer page. I’m starting to feel old. When I was younger and I heard people just a few years older me call themselves “ancient”, I found it laughable, but I kinda understand what they mean now. Our skin won’t ever be as taut, our minds never as innocent. Our lives as carefree. I think about what I have to offer in my relationship and feel like my partner can do better than me. It’s not good to feel inferior, as that will breed insecurity and damage the relationship, but I do ask myself, when is he gonna stop being a dumbass and realize that? Or can I trick him long enough to trap him? Lol. I learned something new about the culture in china recently. Traditionally, women in marriages are left to manage the household income. The husband would direct deposit his income into the account that she manages. She would give him an allowance/stipend for his basic needs. The idea is that women have best interest in mind for her family, and if guys have too much spending power, he has a higher chance of committing adultery. Women make the initial investment of giving her youth and fertility to the man, and men make the later investment of finances.

Last Thursday, my old boss came into my office at 4:55pm and asked us for the HR director’s cell phone number. It took me by surprise because it was the first time I saw her in our room. I glanced over and she was surprisingly very friendly with me. Her face was notably red. She commented on how my hair got longer, asked me about my job and my recent trip to Japan. I was in a good mood so I was fine seeing her and was proud of her for not brushing me off. It was the first actual conversation we had since I left a year ago. When I left the office at 5:00pm, she was standing out in the hallway just waiting for some reason. Following that incident, I learned that she was going through personal issues. This past Tuesday, I received news that she was admitted to the ER. My work friends were speculating and thought that she might be schizophrenic. They saw her just standing in the hallways blankly staring into space. She had a history of talking and laughing to herself. Before she was admitted to the ER, she dropped the items in her hand while walking and started to shake. Faculty (and the chief) in her division had to come upstairs to HR to seek counseling help for her. I don’t imagine that faculty helping out the admins happens like that often. After more speculation, it just seems like she had a nervous breakdown. Not sure why exactly, but I think it’s because of her demented and aging father (parents live in Missouri).

At age 45, she still depended on her parents to give her money to buy a new iphone. She still expected Christmas presents or birthday presents… and for them to pay for her plane ticket whenever she visited them in Missouri. I told my mom about this and she said that perhaps she’s very financially dependent on her father. If he falls, she falls too. My mom has always been extremely forgiving towards this boss of mine. I think she is grateful for her mainly because she allowed me a job at UCLA. I said mom, she didn’t hand me the job. I interviewed just like everyone else and competed against dozens of candidates. My current job, sure. I was pretty much handed it. My mom always refers to her as a poor girl, and reminds me to be kind to her. When I heard the news of her being mentally off and being checked into the ER, I felt sick. My former coworker talked to me about how upper management knew she had big mood swings and even described her as “bipolar”. It angered her that they allowed her a supervisory position having known that. She brought up how I could’ve made a bigger scene before I quit, and could’ve went to the union for help. And how HR offered me a job to kinda placate me. At the time, I had thought about it, but I remember reading the guidelines of what counted as “workplace bullying” and my experience didn’t fully fall under that. I don’t know if I would have gone to the union, but if that were the case, my name would definitely be tainted and I wouldn’t be allowed to work here again basically. Currently, she’s still in the ER. I’m glad that I don’t have to be careful walking around campus in fear of bumping into her. But I do hope she leaves and doesn’t return (not this earth, just this campus lol).

Matt came back last Thursday and we are leaving to Seattle tonight. Him being gone felt way longer for me than it did for him it seemed. It was kinda hard seeing him have fun all day/travel whereas I was just at work and living my day to day life in LA. When he got back, he said it kinda felt bad/different. He missed having the sense of family like in China, where his family would eat together every day and talk. He said he doesn’t have that here because everyone’s off doing their own thing. It felt a little different seeing him again. I think when you are traveling in a new country, so much goes on and you get to experience many new things. You come back with new learned perspectives. He asked me to sleepover at his house Friday night. I said okay but to get permission from his mom first. He was shy about asking her but finally did ask through text. His mom responded “yes no problem. Should I buy food?”, to which he said no, it’s okay (always denying me food lol). She ended up buying me chocolate covered strawberries, which I thought was really sweet and romantic of her LOL. I didn’t see his mom that night. When I walked into their house, she was not wearing pants and then just went into her room and stayed there the rest of the night. Matt was sick so I brought over ginger and rock sugar to make ginger tea. I was making that in the kitchen with his brother around juicing stuff. It was the first time Matt had a girl over just casually like that lol. His brother is like 14/15 and reminds me of myself when I was his age. He’s pretty talented in art, cooking and general academics. I see why Matt calls him his 2.0 now. If I had a sister 15 years younger than me, damn straight I would train her to be Connie 2.0 too. The sex that night was a lot. After not seeing him for like almost two weeks, I felt shy with him again. He was also extra horny/missed me. The next day, we went hiking. Got a parking ticket. Dropped him back off at home after because homeboy was jetlagged, sick, and sleep deprived and was dying post hike. I brought up how silly he was to have thought we could have gone to Seattle the weekend he returns. I think I learned my role with him. I’m like the practical, cool one. When he comes up with overly ambitious ideas like GOING TO 3 COUNTRIES IN ONE WEEK, I have to shoot down his idea and tell him no. I am glad I shot down his Seattle idea on the weekend he is back. I said, “you get kinda disappointed when I tell you no.” He said “yeah I do. But I’ll get it later.”

The next day was mother’s day. My parents and grandma went to a party. Matt’s mom got admitted to the ER that day. I half joked that maybe I was a part of it because she might have been scared about him getting me pregnant or whatever. He noted that I’m the calm in his life and that his mom “needs a Connie in her life”. Funnily enough, it seems his dad and I share certain qualities. We both like to be comfortable (sleep on time, hike/nature, have a schedule, be early to appointments), we are the less anal ones in the pair. His dad went to China the same week we left to Asia, and he’s gonna stay for like 3 months. I think having both the dad and Matt gone was hard on her.

I told him that due to his mom’s current state, it’s okay if we cancel Seattle. Southwest offers free cancellation and the Airbnb we booked also had a flexible policy, so we didn’t have anything to lose. I also told him that I don’t mind either way because it’s been a lot of traveling for me already- I don’t mind just chilling at home. At least I’d get enough sleep here lol. Also that because he wants to save up money (since he’ll need to pay for rent now), at least not going will save him money. He said thank you to my considerations. He ended up choosing to go. Over dinner on Tuesday, he said the first thing he will do upon receiving his vacation schedule (he gets 2 two week blocks a year, but can’t choose the dates), is book a trip to Iceland for us. I joked saying “where are your priorities?” lol because it seems he hasn’t done much in preparation for the program but yet is thinking about vacation already. Although it did make me happy to hear that. It’s like a placeholder to keep me attached for x amount of time. By Tuesday, I felt comfortable with him again. As he settles in, stops being sick and jetlagged, and his days return to normalcy.

We talked a little about the trip. I noted how it was too much pressure on the one day we had per country to go well and he agreed. I thought he was high strung especially. Hanging out with him at home is normally chill, as I confirmed hanging out with him again. He is NORMALLY easy going and doesn’t have many opinions on the things we do/eat, but traveling with him under a constraint was different. At least we got to learn more about each other. Going to Seattle after work today- semi PMSing. Here’s to round two of traveling! Will try to be rational and think before reacting. Aiming for good vibes throughout.

Clubbing: I went clubbing for the first time in years (minus the times I went just to show my cousins from France around LA). I guess it’s fun getting dressed up and going with a group of girls just taking pictures together and getting male attention. But I was also reminded about how I don’t like clubbing and it’s not my scene. I tend to drink more to feel at ease in those environments. I was DD and drank kinda a lot (my friend said DD stands for ‘drunk driver’ LOL). The club is actually a sad scene for me now. In the restroom especially, you see these wasted girls. On the dancefloor there are dropped drinks. You have all this unwanted attention. Reminded me of the song “crying in the club” – I don’t know the song but I just know the title lol. I remember when I was younger, I used enjoy getting wasted and remembered that girls are usually very supportive in the restroom. People become nicer and friendlier than if they weren’t drunk. It was a fun night- girl bonding and seeing people was a refreshing way to spend my weekend nights haha