#one of the criticisms was too much repetition that it felt the author didn’t give the reader enough credit

[kirsctein]

it’s kinda funny to read a book and not agree at all to any of the criticism of someone whose reviews you usually rather trust

[literary-sapphicc]

So. I finished the book.

I was expecting to like it as I kept going because sometimes some stories take time to really get to me — just like songs that I dislike at first, but after trying to understand them I come to like or appreciate them. I can’t say that I liked The Song of Achilles, and it left me with nothing tbh. This book had no impact on my life and it disappointed me.

But first things first. I don’t think this is a bad book. Most of the reviews I read were extremely positive and everyone seems to like it. I also don’t think this is a good book. It’s just kinda there, it exists, I look at it and say “ah, yes, it is a book”. It’s average. 2.5/5. It doesn’t offend me likfe After or The Phantom of Manhattan. It didn’t “change my life” like Bernard Cornwell’s Arthur.

My criticism shouldn’t make you not want to read tsoa. By all means, read it and take your own conclusions, and this isn’t a personal attack on the author or anyone that likes tsoa.

But let me get to the point.

1. One of the reasons I thought it was hard to read tsoa was the publishing work. There were several little problems that should’ve been solved in the first time someone read the finished layout. Like. How do you even miss so many things?

The translation is weird sometimes (and I don’t know if it’s because the book tries to emulate ancient greek or if it’s because the translation is just bad), the dialogue is edited weird, sometimes there’s no separation between action and dialogue, sometimes there’s no indication of dialogue! What is happening?

This could just be a different style — and it’s the first time I read a book edited by this publishing house —, so I tried to ignore most of these issues.

2. What happened to the characters?

Like, I didn’t expect to read exactly what I read in Homer, but I didn’t understand why some characters are the way they are. I mean, I don’t understand why Tetis is the way she is.

I never really cared about Diomedes, Menelau and Agamemnon (and Agamemnon is awful but tsoa seems to ignore the role Zeus played in the story, but eh…), Odysseus was funny and I liked the way he was presented (kinda different from what I remember), but Tetis was a huge part of my classes about the Iliad (because my teacher focused a lot on death and Tetis and the other women in the Iliad have a huge part on mourning the characters), and I just ??? what happened to her?

Why does she hate Patroclus? Why is she so cold? I remember that she and the Nereids cried for Patroclus (Il. 18). I just… don’t get it.

3. What even is this book?

I thought I was reading a story about Achilles and Patroclus. But it doesn’t feel like a romance, you know? I wasn’t expecting fluffy coffee shop au, but I thought I’d get some character development.

The Iliad doesn’t focus on the psychological aspect of the characters, so a book narrated by Patroclus’ soul (this will come back later) could give more insight about how things were at the time.

They spent nine years together and their relationship doesn’t change? Like???

If I had a drink each time Patroclus and Achilles had a meaningful conversation I’d be completely sober. There’s no reason to believe they respect and love each other. Why should I believe it’s necessary for them to be buried together? Their relationship doesn’t feel real, and it definitely doesn’t feel earned.

I think the writing in this book is bland. There’s one thing I liked: when Patroclus explains a word in greek. At first it may seem like “why are you explaining a greek word when you’re greek?”, but considering there are lots of dialects, it made me feel that the world and the characters were palpable.

But that’s the only thing, really.

I kept skipping paragraphs because they did nothing to further the story. Like. How many times do I need to read about Achilles’ feet? Or skin? Or hair? How many times do I need to read about Tetis’ skin? I don’t care, just give me meaningful moments!

I think these repetitive parts could be a way of characterizing Patroclus (he’s just so bland and I still don’t understand why he should be the equivalent of the nerdy guy in a nerd x popular au) because he’s telling the story from the afterlife and he says he’s made of memories, but:

At least in Homer, the souls could only have human abilities if the person was unburied or if the soul drank blood (that’s like giving something from the body to the soul), and the souls in Hades were only shadows that couldn’t speak and move properly, they had no memory (unless if they had blood or were unburied) and they could only enter Hades once the corpse was buried with the proper rituals.

So. Considering Homer didn’t exactly translated the beliefs to the Iliad, I don’t think it’s bad that a soul is narrating tsoa — I think it’s nice and it was my first thought when I found out it was a first person pov. That’s why the repetitiveness would be interesting if there were more moments. Patroclus says he’s made of memories? Okay, then show me. Show me why I should care about these characters. Show me why I should feel bad when no one buries Patroclus. Show me why I should care about Achilles going after Heitor.

The only real emotion I felt with tsoa wasn’t earned by the book. I just knew how everyone reacted to Patroclus’ death in the Iliad; I knew what Achilles said to Patroclus before he pretended to be Achilles, I knew what Achilles said to Tetis when he found out Patroclus was dead, I knew what Achilles had said to Heitor when he was begging for mercy; I knew what was going to happen to Patroclus’ soul if he wasn’t buried and I knew how Patroclus felt (in the Iliad) when he thought no one was going to mourn him, and I knew he specifically asked to Achilles for them to be buried together.

The big moment of tsoa — the one people in reviews say made them cry like babies — was only a big thing for me because I had extra knowledge.

I read some people saying “maybe I’d like more if I read the Iliad”, but I think I’d like tsoa more if I didn’t know the Iliad.

4. What even is this book? part II

This book is. So. Boring.

Because there’s no meaningful conversations, no character development, the scenes are too quick and it’s “tell, don’t show” instead of “show, don’t tell”.

I know this could be in 3., but I needed to say it. I was so bored the whole time. It’s like watching paint dry. It has so many pages and yet it feels like nothing happened.

And worse. The “foreshadowing” is basically Achilles saying “Heitor did me no wrong, why should I kill him?”, and then “Well, Patroclus, we know you’re not the aristos achaion, so you’re not the one who’ll die first” ???? like ???? a little more subtlety, please.

I know we all know what’s going to happen, but I expected the book to intend to be original, like — “I know you know Heitor kills Patroclus, but let’s pretend this is the first time you’re reading about Achilles, Patroclus and Heitor”.

I feel like tsoa depends so much on previous knowledge that it doesn’t even try to be a good story. It was a frustrating experience.

I know it doesn’t sound like I think tsoa is average, but as I said: it didn’t offend me, it didn’t change my life, so 2.5/5.

[another-sonic-blog]

The Fanfictioner

Synopsis: Amy Rose secretly writes fanfiction out of the not so famous 'Sonic Boom' show in which she and her friends are the main actors. Everything was fine, filming the show and then writing. However, everything changed when the famous actor, Shadow the Hedgehog, showed up to participate in the show. Just like Amy, Shadow hides a secret. He loves to read fanfiction but will never admit that out loud. Shadow one day stumbles upon Amy's fanfiction and without knowing, they develop a friendly bound over comments, likes and messages of support. On work, Shadow and Amy have a normal co-worker relationship that will never develop more than that. However, one night, they hang out together due to special circumstances.A few days later, Shadow starts to read the new fanfiction that his favorite author published. As he keeps reading, he is starting to realize this person was writing about something personal that happened between him and Amy. How did this author know with so much detail what happened between them?

I want to thank @jhojuju  for drawing content that inspired me to write this story! If you haven't done so already, you should check out the artist's art!

ShadAmy 6K500 (DRAFT)

The Fanfictioner

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The moon was above them and although it was a cold night, they didn't care. Sonic got closer to Amy, emeralds eyes shone brightly with love and desire. He caressed her as he softly placed his hands around her face, pulling her closer to him. Amy licked her lips as they begged to be touched by the blue blur. They have fought to be together for a long time and now nothing was stopping them. Finally, they could express and show their love to the world with no restrictions, with complete freedom. Sonic got closer to his lover, their lips just a few centimeters away and then-

"Amy, what are you writing?"

The pink hedgehog slammed shut her laptop as she mentally cursed herself for not being more delicate. Today was filming day but she promises her followers that she was going to update a new chapter of 'Falling Petals' by tonight. Of course, like the good fanfic writer that she was, she always kept her promises.

Amy shifted her body from the chair to look at the standing blue hedgehog behind her. She tried to hide the panic on her face but it seemed like this picked Sonic's interest even more.

"Um... my shopping list?" That came out more like a question than a statement. Once again, she cursed under her breath because although Sonic wasn't the smartest hedgehog out there, he wasn't dumb either.

"Then why are you acting so ... strange?"

Sonic had the sincerest of interest. He cared for the pink one and her recent actions had just baffled him. Recently Amy was acting quite strangely. Before Sonic was free to use her laptop whenever he wanted and now, she kept it to herself and hid it as her life depended on it. The blue bur knew that Amy likes to write from time to time but now? Sonic found her writing whenever he visited her at her house. She would be checking her phone constantly and even smiled as she typed on it. The thought had crossed his mind that maybe Amy was 'seeing' someone and the thought alone just made him pay more attention to her.

"Are you sure-"

"Everyone get on ready on set!"

Amy was saved by the show's director once again. She smiled awkwardly at her blue friend as she placed her laptop on her chair. She heard Sonic sigh in defeat and Amy felt a little bit bad that she made her friend and love interest worried. However, she just couldn't go to him and say 'Hey, I know I have been acting strange but it's because I am writing fanfiction of Sonic Boom and I don't want you to think I am weird.'

Amy greeted everyone as she stepped on set. The camera, lighting crew and just every who crossed her path. Of course, her friends were there as well looking as fresh as they could be. They were outdoors and currently they were filming Sonic Boom's most recent and most wanted episode 52 of season 1.

"Hey, guys! Amy greeted her friends, Sticks, Knuckles, and Tails as they waved their hands from right to left, Sonic followed from behind.

Amy's attention was focused on the red echidna who had sleepy eyes. This was very strange because Amy knew that Knuckles was one who appreciated his sleep especially because he always woke up early morning to go workout.

"Hey Knuckles, you alright?" Amy asked. "You look very sleepy.

Knuckles let out a yawn as he stretched his body. "I didn't sleep much I was binge reading this book I found online and-

"WHERE IN CHAOS IS SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG?" The director of the show screamed in desperation as everyone was ready to go but the star of today's episode.

" I still can't believe they hired Shadow the Hedgehog to do this roll." Tails said with a bit of amusement in his voice. "I mean he is the same guy who appeared in Chao in Space 2."

"And in Anti-Vengers the Final Game," Sticks added.

"And in Fast and the Glorious 8," said Knuckles.

"It makes me wonder if Sonic Boom produces that much money for them to pay someone like him," Amy looked from side to side, in hopes that the black hedgehog would appear. She hasn't met him yet and if she was completely honest, she looking forward to his approval.

"He is not that big of a deal," Sonic rolled his eyes in annoyance. "I mean, I was in Chao in Space 2 as well."

"Yeah, as a side character. Shadow was actually the protagonist." Tails was saying this because it was the truth and not to annoy his blue friend. However, it was quite funny to see Sonic jealous over at Shadow the Hedgehog's accomplishments. Tails were lowkey a fanboy of the black hedgehog, although he would never admit that out loud.

"What is all of this fuzz about? I am right here,"

Finally, the hedgehog that everyone was waiting for arrived. He had an energy drink on his right hand and in one gulp he drank all of it. He then turned around to give it to his assistant who quickly took the can away from him. He stepped on the set where the rest of 'Team Sonic' waited to start.

"Mr. Hedgehog, nice to meet you!" Tails said as he extended out his hand, shaking a little due to the excitement. "I am Tails Miles Prower and I-"

"Yeah, I know who you are," Shadow said with a monotone voice.

The yellow fox leaned into Amy's ear and he whispered, 'Did you hear that Amy? He knows me.’

"You are the only one who has ... descent acting skills," Shadow let out mocking laughter as he looked down on the rest of the 'actors.'

Everyone looked at him, offended at his comment. It seems like the rumors that the black hedgehog had a prepotent personality was true.

"Says the one who can only portray edgy characters."

Everyone turned to look at Amy in disbelief. Actually, she had thought of that in her head but in one way or another, it came out of her mouth. The set was filled with silence until Sonic let out a big laugh and wrapped his right arm around Amy's shoulder.

"That was a good one Ames!" Sonic said.

Shadow wasn't expecting that from the pink hedgehog in front of him. Who did she think she was? She was no one compared to the great acting career he has had. Of course, he wasn't going down without a fight.

"My apologies, I don't accept criticism from people who can't even act," Shadow replied.

"Well maybe if you did, you would get a different type of role from time to time," Amy replied.

By now Team Sonic was static. There was so much tension between the two and they had only met two seconds ago. Vermillion eyes met emerald ones and neither one of them wanted to quit the internal battle.

Shadow the Hedgehog had to admit, this was interesting.

"Shadow!" Sonic Boom's director interrupted the moment as he had finally eyed the black hedgehog. "You are late! What were you doing?"

Mia, a brown girl hedgehog, and Shadow's assistant was watching the scene unfold from afar. She watched the director seated on his high chair and to prevent Shadow from getting scolded, she answered on his behalf.

"He didn't get enough sleep yesterday sir-" Mia said loud enough but the director, who was an old and strict monkey, raised his hand and interrupted her.

"I want him to tell him,"

In all honesty, if it wasn't because he was the director, Shadow would have said something offensive. However, the black hedgehog always had a sense of responsibility and respect towards his job and especially to the director.

Shadow sighed and looked up to the director, "I was up all night on my phone ... reading."

"Hey, me too!" Knuckles said in surprise. "I was reading this really good story about our show and-"

"I am sure that whatever you were reading doesn't compare to what I was reading," Shadow interrupted him and rolled his eyes

The director faced palmed himself and loudly he said, "I don't care! Just make sure this doesn't happen again, Mr. Hedgehog."

Shadow couldn't say anything more. It was his first day on set and he almost wanted to leave ... almost.

"Yes, sir."

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The day ended worse than Amy expected. Shadow wasn't only prepotent, he was mean, rude and jerk. He took in every opportunity he had to bully and tease the hell at out of Amy. The black hedgehog mocked her acting, made fun of her lines and bumped into her multiple times.

And today has only been the first day of filming for this month's episode. Good thing that filming only took around two weeks to complete due that the episodes were short. They started every first day of the month. Today was September 1, they will finish on September 14 and they will have the rest of the month free. Thirteen more days to go, thirteen more days that she had to endure Shadow's presence on set.

She was quite disappointed when she found out who the real Shadow was. Just like her friend, Tails, Amy was secretly a fan of the acting he has done in the past. Although his roles were kind of repetitive, his acting was always exceptional. Even today, his acting techniques were really good, she even liked the character he was portraying.

Amy stretched her back as had finally reached the insides of her home. During today's break, she was able to finish the last chapter of 'Falling Petals' and to make it extra special, she wrote a 20 thousand final chapter. This chapter was filled with a lot of drama, romance, and fights which will lead to the second book. She couldn't wait to just upload it to her page so her readers will enjoy and maybe cry a little with her writing.

After showering and changing to her pajamas, Amy comfortably laid on her bed with her computer on her legs. She logged into fanfiction.com where she had already hundredth of comments in her work, reading for her to read. She always made sure to reply to them whenever she had the chance. The pink hedgehog even had created a bond with a couple of people who always commented on her fanfics. She scrolled down the comment section as she replied to them and a familiar username came into her screen.

"I've following your work since I stumbled upon 'Blue Rose' and in all honesty, you are the best fanfiction writer out there. Every story you publish is great and you develop the characters amazingly well. Yesterday, I was re-reading all 30 previous chapters of 'Falling Petals' and I got late to work but it was worth it. I can't wait to read the final chapter tonight."

By: The Fanfictioner

Amy smiled to herself, she was always happy to read comments and it was one of the few things that kept her going through the day. She took a few moments to think about what to write and finally she began to type.

"This means a lot to me. 'Blue Rose' was the first story I published and I am really happy you still enjoy it. I appreciate you a lot, I see that you always like and comment on my work. I'll keep working hard for you and my other readers. I hope you like the last chapter of 'Falling Petals' ... Thank you!"

By: A Rose Without Thorns

After she finished typing and hitting 'Enter', our adorable pink hedgie was now ready to publish the last chapter of her latest work. She uploads her writing file from her laptop, publishes it and waits for her reader's reaction. Amy closes her laptop and places it next to her, closing her eyes, the pink hedgehog drifted into sleep.

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"CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE SONIC LEFT AMY TO GO SAVE THE WORLD?!" Knuckles, who has his bubbly self again was walking right and left on the set. "AFTER EVERYTHING THEY WENT THROUGH, HE LEAVES!"

"Knuckles, I am right here," Sonic said as he read a magazine. It was early morning and 'Team Sonic' was waiting for everyone to arrive. "Also, I am not going anywhere. I have to save enough folks on the Island as it is."

"I am not talking about you! I am talking about the Sonic on the story I am reading!" Knuckles replied again. "The writer said that they will punish a second book, so I have hope that they will end up together."

Amy, who was sitting on the actor's small circle, was interested in what Knuckles were reading. Especially since it seemed like he read the last chapter of her most recent work.

"Out of curiosity," Amy said. "What are you doing?"

"I read 'Falling Petals' by A Rose Without Thorns in fanfiction.com," Knuckles replied. "I just love their works is so good!"

Amy hid her evident blush by taking a sip of her coffee.

"What if Knuckles is TheFanfictioner? He did say that he stayed up all night reading and his comment right now sounds a bit similar to the one of last night."

"Wait, fanfiction.com?" Tails who was quietly drinking tea finally spoke up. "You read fanfiction?"

"I do," Knuckles said, still not seating down on his chair. "We need to support fans that create free content for others and besides ... Some of these writers are way better than the ones we have here."

"That, I do believe," Sticks puts down 'Theories Magazine', the issue of this month was government space theories. She was reading a very interesting story about a project that was created on a space colony and it was shut down due that scientists created a powerful ultimate life form.

"Still, it's lame," Sonic said, still not looking at his friends directly. "I understand your curiosity Knuckles, but I still think it's a bit weird. Especially the writer ... It's so cringy."

"It's not! Look!" Knuckles pull out his phone and shoved into Sonic's face, making drop the magazine that he was reading. "Read the first chapter! It's really good!"

The blue bur leaned his head a little, as he tried to catch a glimpse of Knuckle's phone. He read the first lines of the story and a smirk crossed his face. He grabbed Knuckle's phone and stood up from his seat.

"Although I was always pushed away by him, Sonic the Hedgehog was the only hedgehog that I ever wanted." Sonic made his voice sound in a higher pitch, pretending to be the female hedgehog. "His green eyes, his strong form, and heroic personality were some of the things that made me fall in love with him."

Tails and Sticks began to laugh. Even Knuckles who wasn't laughing at the story itself, but at Sonic's overly bad acting, let out a giggle or two.

"See? This is so bad!" Sonic said as he pointed to Knuckles' phone.

The blue one noticed that Amy was awfully quiet, just there, seating on her chair. As to look for her approval, Sonic asked, "Don't you think this is lame Amy? I mean just that fact that you love is ridiculous enough!"

"Yeah, haha," Amy looked down to the floor, as she tried to hide her evident embarrassment. "It is pathetic."

She had never felt such embarrassment before. When she stared this was because she enjoyed writing and loved to write about the Sonic Boom characters. However, looking at her peer's reaction made her wonder. They were the ones who interpreted the characters and they thought it was lame. Maybe, she wasn't as good of a writer as she thinks she was. Doubt filled her mind and before she could say to do anything else, Knuckles was jumped to say something.

"You all are just uncultured," Knuckled said as he took his phone away from Sonic's grasp "You guys will never know how deep and life-changing 'Falling Petals' is until you read it-"

"Will everyone just shut up?"

The prince of dark and gloom appeared and to say that he looked bad was an understatement. Shadow the Hedgehog had dark circles under his red eyes. He arched his back and his stance was way too weak. He looked sick even. Shadow walked towards his chair and sat down with a cup of black coffee on his hand.

"Well, did someone forget to read today's script?" Sonic said mockingly.

"I had a very emotionally draining experience last night, I don't need your jokes at this moment," the black hedgehog replied. He was wearing a black leather jacket and out of one of the pockets, he pulled out some shades and puts them on.

"It wasn't a joke," said Sonic. "There was a change in plans yesterday and we are supposed to record another scene today, did you read your script?"

At that moment, Shadow thanked Chaos that he was wearing shades because otherwise, everyone would have seen his confused face.

Just like he sat down on his chair, he stood up.

"I need to talk to my manager."

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It was already 11 in the morning and they still haven't started filming. At this rate, they were just going to lose the day. It was September and the sunlight was running out short. Sonic Team was already eager to start but there was no sign of the director. Even less Shadow.

"Everyone takes one-hour break, come back at 12 P.M." the show director appeared. He had a tired face one that showed that he was done with his job.

The director came into the circle of actors and approached Amy directly.

"Ms. Rose, I need to speak to you ... Privately," he said as he made a motion to follow him.

"Of course, Mr. Johnson," the pink hedgehog stood from her chair and followed the old monkey. Once again, they were supposed to be filming outdoors. They had closed a small part of Hedgehog Village so they could film. Her friends were on the other side while Amy and Mr. Johnson had already placed themselves behind the camera crew to get some privacy.

"Ms. Rose, I need a favor," Mr. Johnson said. Amy nodded, not expecting that from the director. "I need you to stay here and help Mr. Shadow the Hedgehog finish memorize his script. I know you are the best at that."

Great, this is what she needed. To spend her break time with Shadow, the rudest hedgehog she has ever known. She knew that this wasn't really a favor but part of her job and she normally wouldn't have a mind. Amy was glad to help her friends memorize their scripts but Shadow? He was far from being her friend.

"I'll do it but, can I ask something?" Amy asked.

"Go ahead."

"Why is he here? Don't get me wrong but Sonic Boom doesn't seem like the type of show that an actor of his caliber would want to do."

The old monkey sighed and placed a hand on his forehead. "To be honest I don't even know either ... He just came in saying that he wanted to play a role in the show. He is charging us half the price he normally charges and this will definitely increase the rating of the show ... I know he doesn't have the best personality but for everyone's sake ... Just be nice to him."

Amy nodded. She knew that Shadow was hard to deal with, but just like the director said, having the black hedgehog on the show will help everyone. More ranting equals more money. Also, there was a small part of Shadow that intrigued Amy. Why would he want to be in this show if he could literally be in anything he wanted? Maybe if she could make him open up a little can find out.

The pink hedgehog looked back at her friends who were laughing again at her fanfiction as she saw that Sonic was once again holding up Knuckle's phone. Spending time with Shadow didn't seem so bad now.

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It took all the strength in the world to come to terms with herself. Our pink hedgehog was backing out of the previously made decision as she waited outside Shadow's dressing room. She knocked once and she wished for Chaos that whatever Shadow was doing will stop him from opening the door. Amy looked around nervously, it wasn't like she was afraid of the black hedgehog, well maybe just a tiny bit. She was more scared of having to go through an awkward situation or saying something that might cost her head. In the coming steps of the were heard by the pink one and in a blink of an eye, Shadow was in front of her holding the door open for her to step in. She looked at him with an awkward smile on her face as she made her way in, in a sense, it was her way of greeting him. Yesterday, they didn't have the best of days but maybe Amy could make up for that by helping him. As she made her way in, she realized that his dressing room was way fancier than hers. All black, a bed, a small kitchen, and even a small dining room. For all, she knew this could a small house.

"So," Amy pushed her thoughts away as she sat down on the small dining table. "Today's scene we are going to be introducing your character ... do you know any of the script yet?"

"Not really, I wasn't notified about today's change and I didn't have time yesterday, " Shadow sat down on the chair facing Amy.

"No worries, change in plans happen a lot around here so it's best if you get used to it now," the pink hedgehog kept her eyes glued to the script. "Alright, your dialogue start on page seven so let's go from there. If we can't finish memorizing the script then we can improvise-"

"Why are you helping me?"

The question took Amy by surprise, finally, she looked at the black hedgehog in front of her who had a monotone look on his face. His right hand served as support for his face as it delicately rested on his right cheek. The sunlight coming from the window highlighted Shadow's feature and especially his eyes. Vermillion eyes studied her deeply and Amy could see why he was so popular with the ladies.

"To be honest, because they asked me to and ..." Amy sighed as she shook away the thought. "Because a part of me wants to start again with you"

"We didn't have a good start, didn't we?" Shadow looked outside the window as if he in deep thought. Three seconds pass in which Amy thought it had been minutes, a very unpleasant feeling ran down her spine. She wanted to end with the awkwardness but Shadow beat her to it.

"There's no way I am going to memorize all 50 pages in one hour," Shadow said as he looked back to look at the pink hedgehog.

"Then improvise!" Amy replied. "This is your character, create your own dialogue."

"I don't know who this character is! And I am sure not even the writers know," Shadow stood up from the chair and walked towards the small bed that was across the dining table.

Amy looked over at the black hedgehog who was resting comfortably on his bed.

"Then even better! Make it your own!" Amy raised her voice a little. "Look, for what I know your character, 'Shadow' is mysterious and he may come off as rude but he actually cares for others. He just doesn't know how to properly show it."

Shadow looked over to Amy and with a plain expression he asked, "Meaning?"

Amy stood up from her chair and placed herself in front of the black and red striped hedgehog. She looked at him as she placed her hands on her waist. "Meaning that maybe he had a tragic past, something that explains his personality. It makes him an interesting character ... You can work something from that."

"I don't know, doesn't it sound too-"

Shadow would have never expected what happened next. At one moment, he was lying peacefully on his bed. The next moment, he was still lying peacefully on his bed but the difference was that Amy was on top of him. Her hands were placed on the sides of his head. Her legs were slightly touching his as she had positioned them to the side of his.

"You need to stop!" Amy said, her face close very close to Shadow's. "You have beaten up my friends! What are you after us?"

Shadow blinked multiples times. First, nothing made sense but his brain connected the dots. This was similar to the scene he read on the script. Where the Sonic pinned him down to the ground after a fight. He was pressured and he only had a few seconds, what should he respond?

"I am not after you nor your friends! I am trying to complete my mission and you are just on the way!"

A few seconds passed in which Amy and Shadow only stared at each other's eyes. Amy was looking at him, surprised that he actually followed along with her plan. And Shadow? Where he was starting to get lost. Lost in the pink one's emerald eyes and for a small fraction of a second, he had forgotten where he was.

"That was good!" Amy said as she made Shadow wake up from his trance. "It's a bit vague but that leaves up to interpretation and further build-up for the story."

The pink hedgehog moved away and took a sit on the edge of Shadow's bed. She didn't think too much about it. However, Shadow couldn't let go of that thought that easily.

"You are a strange one," Shadow said as he sat down on the edge of the bed, next to the pink one. "Last time someone confronted me like that was Rouge and it was a different circumstance."

"Rouge as ..." Amy gulped. " Rouge the Bat? The famous actress?"

"Yeah, do you know her?"

"Of course, I do! she is the best actress of our times! She is great!" Amy said excitedly. Shadow noticed that Amy's tail was wiggling from side to side, it was something that he would normally make fun of but he had to admit that it is cute on her.

At that moment, Amy remembered a couple of days ago she was reading a celebrities’ magazine. There was a rumor saying that Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat were in a secret relationship. She wanted to ask him about it but decided not to since that would be crossing the boundaries. Maybe she would ask ... Later on, if they ever get to be that open with each other.  

"Anyways," Amy turned around to look at Shadow, who was once again looking at her with his vermillion eyes. "Should we keep practicing some more?"

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 Filming the scene did not only go great but Shadow got praised all from everyone after the shooting. Even Sonic had to admit that he had done a good job and Mr. Johnson went personally to Shadow and thanked him for his commitment to his character. Every time this happened, Shadow looked back at Amy and gave her a small smile to acknowledge her help. He didn't exactly thank her, but Amy knew this was the best thing she could get from him.

More days like this came. In two weeks, Team Sonic had slowly made up their minds that Shadow was going to be sticking around for some time. There was still some conflict from time to time but it wasn't anything that they couldn't handle. The black hedgehog would even 'compliment' the other members once in a while. 'Not half bad', 'Could be better but it wasn't horrible', 'If you are going to say that, at least keep your head up. It will make you look more credible.'

Shadow had slowly made his way into the Sonic Boom family and nobody was complaining. He still had his prepotency and pride, which he would show more often than his soft side. But at least he was trying. Amy Rose didn't care now. He wasn't interfering with her job nor she was interfering with his. They didn't have much communication since she helped him improvise. Maybe just the casual, 'Is there any coffee?' and a 'Yes, it's over there.'

It was the last day of filming and as usual, Amy said goodbye to everyone on set. She won't be seeing them until the next month so she made sure she got to say her goodbyes to every last one of them. Finally, her friends were last. She didn't care too much about saying goodbye to them because she knew she will seem them in the next couple of days. Probably when Eggman is attacking or something like that. Strange enough, Eggman never attacked them on filming days, it was as if he knew and didn't want to ruin their day on purpose.

"I say we should go to the beach soon," Knuckles said.

"I am down," Tails said and Sticks nodded in agreement.

"Same," Sonic was then quick to turn around and face Amy who seemed to look at something or rather someone else. In hopes that she will give him some attention, Sonic raised his voice a little. "What about you Ames? Do you want to go to the beach?"

"What about Shadow?"

Amy's response wasn't the answer Sonic was looking for and instead, he proceeded to walk towards the pink hedgehog and placed his arm around her shoulder in hopes to comfort her. "I don't think he is the type to go to the beach."

"Should we at least invite him?" Amy said, still looking away. She was a bit embarrassed that Sonic was doing this more and more often. "I mean just out of courtesy ...It doesn't matter if he says no."

"I guess if you want to you can do that but ..." the blue one faced the direction that Amy was looking at. His green eyes met the black figure and a small hint of jealousy treated overtake the blue blur seeing that Amy was giving too much attention to Shadow. "You are still coming with us, right?"

The pink hedgehog had finally faced her blue hero and saw a small smile placed on his lips. She returned it and kindly she said, 'Of course!'

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Shadow the Hedgehog was glad that the filming was done. A part of him was enjoying filming for this low-quality show but he still felt relieved that this was over ... for now. He walked outside the set where his beautiful black motorcycle waited for him. Today was going to be a relaxing night. Just him, a glass of wine and re-reading some of his favorite stories.

"Hey, Shadow!"

The black hedgehog recognized that voice, he turned around and met a running pink hedgie running towards him. Almost out of breath as if she had been looking for him everywhere. When she finally reached him, she took a few seconds to get air back into her lungs. Shadow watched every single moment of her and waited until she was ready to speak again.

"This month's episode is coming out next week. To celebrate the launching, my friends and I are going to the beach," Amy looked around, a bit nervous to look at him in the eyes. "I was wondering, I mean, we were wondering if you wanted to join us?"

Alright, this was something he had never experienced before. He was usually invited by other acting peers to go to parties and formal get-togethers where a large group of people was present. However, he had never been invited to such an 'intimate' activity before. Going to the beach? As for playing volleyball together? As building sandcastles? Doing a cookout and eating together after playing in the water?

Was Amy Rose that crazy?

"My apologies," Shadow said. "I am not interested in such things."

Amy mentally sighed in relieve, her job here was done. "It's alright! I won't see you for a while so if you need a friend, hit me up. I am one phone call away."

The rose hedgehog was already making her way out, she walked a few steps away until she felt something small hit her head.

She turned around again to face Shadow who was proudly playing with pebbles on his hand. "You said to hit you up if I need a friend."

Amy didn't know how to react to that. It was clever and even sweet of him. However, Amy didn't know until what extent he meant his words or he was just saying it to tease her.

But she was about to find out.

"Well," Amy walked towards the black hedgehog, a small smirk decorated her face. She wasn't completely doing this, but she still decided to give it a try. She mounted Shadow's bike and placed her hands on the accelerator and the break. "I can be your friend right now."

It was very interesting, the strange dynamic that the two had. Shadow wasn't even complaining which even surprised him. He didn't let just anyone ride his bike, but if it was the pink hedgehog then maybe he could make an exception.

Her character and persona were just very intriguing to him. She was a simple hedgehog, very plain looking but still, there was something about her that attracted him to her.

"Very well then," Shadow said as he took a sit on his motorcycle. He placed his hands delicately on the pink hedgehog’s hip, trying to touch as little as he could. They were close but Amy didn't seem to mind the contact at all. "Where to next?"

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That night Amy and Shadow didn't speak a word. Nothing else was said as they only enjoyed each other's company in silence. Amy took Shadow across the island to see things he had never seen before. The moon provided enough light for them to fully appreciate the beauty of the forests, beaches, and even small villages. Amy let out a small smile whenever Shadow got excited about the smallest things. Did he see a pretty flower? His ears would move excitedly. Did he see a pretty view? Again, his ears. Did he try a fruit that he liked? Ears. He was very expressive with them and Amy was found of such a cute act.

When their time as running out, Amy drove to her house. She thanked Shadow for the night and a sense of her told her that Shadow didn't want to say goodbye just yet.

She climbed out of the motorcycle and watched Shadow take her previous seat. The pink hedgehog was ready to enter her house but before, she had to properly say goodbye to those vermillion eyes.

"I'll see you next month Shadow," Amy said as she kept eye contact with the black one. "I hope you enjoy this month's chapter."

"Chapter?"

Holy shit.

"Episode! I meant to say, I hope you enjoy this month's episode!"

Amy cursed mentally at the fanfiction writer inside of her who was so used to saying 'I hope you enjoy this chapter.'

"I will ... I believe," Shadow replied.

"Well, you are a great actor," Amy said quickly. "Whatever you are on it, I am sure it will be great."

Her words weren't meant to come out of her mouth so easily. She said them so naturally that it caught her and Shadow in surprise. The pink hedgehog looked around nervously as she tried to hide the evident blush on her face. Amy wanted to disappear, to get inside her house and just start writing the new fanfiction she had in mind.

A few seconds in which no one said a word until Shadow decided to break the silence.

"It will be great ..." Shadow said as he turned on his bike again, ready to leave. "Because you helped me along the way."

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This month's episode of Sonic Boom wasn't great ... it was fantastic. People were just loving the introduction of Shadow the Hedgehog into the story. After a few hours of being aired, people were already talking about it their social media and other types of platforms. Amy even had to admit that if it wasn't because she was already in love with the blue bur, she might have been a Shadow fangirl. He acted amazingly well and he made his character his which was very hard to compel.

Right now, the pink hedgehog was comfortably sitting on her sofa, as the TV was on and she was scrolling to her fanfiction web page. Tomorrow she was going to the beach with her friends and maybe she could take her laptop with her to finish some writing.

An idea crossed her mind and to celebrate the brand-new episode of Sonic's Boom, she decided to open up prompt requests.

She began to type on her laptop.

"Sonic Boom's new episode was really good, wasn't it? To celebrate today's episode, I'll be opening up prompt requests! Send it right away and I'll answer as soon as I can!"

By: A Rose Without Thorns

The pink hedgehog clicked 'Enter' and soon after she began to receive multiple notifications. She opened one from a username she clearly recognized. This person was a long and loyal follower of her and it was now her personal goal to give them the best story they could even ask for.

However, her heart skipped a bit when she read the prompt request.

"As I watched this recent Sonic Boom episode, I realized that Shadow and Amy's characters have great potential to develop a relationship. Can I request a story where Shadow and Amy fall in love? Thank you."

By: The Fanfictioner

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A/N:  Can you all believe this is the first Sonic Boom AU I’ve written since my first story ‘First Impressions’? That was probably the longest synopsis I have ever written as well lol and still it’s not even half what this story will be about. I am honestly very excited to write this. I was thinking that this story could have around 10 chapters with 10K words in each chapter (I may look for beta readers, because this a lot of work) This one is barely 6K500 because this is a draft.

Still, I wanted to lay out some ideas with this and in the actual story, some things could change.

I may work on this again after I finish writing the prompt request I have left. I don't know you guys tell me if you would like some more. If I do, this story will probably only be available of Ao3 (Because I am planning to change there really soon) Anyways, thank you again for reading! Until next time!

[adapembroke]

Reading Tarot Like The Hierophant

For many years, I hated the Hierophant.

Whenever it came up in a reading, I sighed, dutifully tried to understand why it was bothering me, and shoved it back in the box as soon as possible. Most of the time I gained nothing from these interactions, even though I knew the Hierophant wasn’t silent. I just didn’t believe the Hierophant could possibly have anything useful to say to me.

The Hierophant is the archetype of traditional, usually religious, authorities. Nuns and priests and popes, temples and tabernacles, synods, dojos, and twelve steps groups . The original name of this card was The Pope, appropriate for a deck designed in Christian Europe,

I am not a person who works easily with the Hierophant. The anti-authoritarian stereotypes of Aquarius moons resonate strongly for me. I don’t do anything unless I know why I’m doing it and agree with the premise behind the action. Settings under the influence of the Hierophant are ritualistic. Their ability to function relies on everyone moving in lock-step. If you have questions, you follow the ritual and ask questions later. If you disagree with the answers to your questions, you leave.

Michelle Tea says in Modern Tarot:

“Conforming rightly has a bad reputation in contemporary culture; it’s used to keep bright spirits down, we think, and to preserve a dying status quo. Likewise, the concept of ‘tradition’ has been hijacked by people seeking to codify their dangerous opposition to a changing world.”

Conformity isn’t my happy place. I was convinced that for the happiness of everyone concerned, it would be best if I remained an outsider in the sphere of the Hierophant, but I was not a happy outsider. Not all of my experiences of the Hierophant were bitter. Without the Hierophant, something was missing in my life.

Beauty and Power of Ritual

There were a few years during college and just after when I had a wonderful relationship with the Hierophant. For most of that time, I belonged to a Christian church that was deeply ritualistic. When you walked into the sanctuary, you had to bow to the altar before taking your seat. You had to bow whenever someone said “Jesus,” and you had to make occult gestures with your hands during the reading of the Gospel. 

I grew up in a church that was much less formal, and this new way of doing worship was strange to me, like walking into a dance I didn’t know the steps to. I stumbled through the ritual like a newborn calf, but despite my clumsy gestures, I felt transported. It wasn’t just influence of the thick cloud of frankincense. (Though, frankincense is a mind-altering substance.) I wasn’t any kind of magician then, but I could feel that what they were doing had magical power, power I now recognize as the power of the Hierophant. 

The Hierophant’s power comes from tradition, the way that the repetition of meaningful words and gestures builds meaning over time. On the first day I walked into that church, they had been doing the same rituals in that space in the same way for hundred and fifty years. It felt like the rituals and incense had infused the walls. The rituals themselves had been altered little in fifteen hundred years. When the priest said the magic words of the Eucharist, I felt a sense of belonging, as if all of the congregations over time and space that had heard those words together were there with us, lending their power to the working. All of that accumulated power was palpable. I left the service each Sunday feeling like my batteries had been recharged.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take me long to see through the glamor and start asking questions, and when the answers I got to my questions didn’t satisfy me, I discovered that the Hierophant’s hold on that place was too rigid to hold me, and I left.

A few years after I left Christianity, I started studying the Tarot. The Hierophant felt like a tease, a reminder of something beautiful that I was incapable of participating in. It was easier to focus on the Hierophant’s bad side.

Leader of the Mindless Herd

Like all archetypes, the Hierophant has a shadow: Mobs of people coming together to chant slogans of hate, authoritarian leaders whipping people into a frenzy to support a controlling agenda, suicide cults filled with mindless automatons.

The same coordinated practice that builds power over time and that left me feeling empowered can be used just as easily to create power for evil.

Neuroscientists are just beginning to uncover the overwhelming power of habit. The human brain has to do an extraordinary amount of work in order to carry out simple functions. It is constantly trying to offload work as much as possible. It does this by using rituals, habits, and assumptions like a computer that relies on automated processes to do its job.

Group rituals, the natural habitat of the Hierophant, are simply habits that have been adopted by a people who have been trained to act as one. A person who has attended a liturgical Christian church for decades can perform the gestures of the Mass without thinking.

Once habits are set, they are extremely difficult to break. I built the habit of crossing myself every time I heard a siren, and it took me years of constant reminder not to do it to break myself of the habit after I left Christianity.

It is annoying to have to break a habit that no longer suits you, but habit itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Using hateful words can be a habit, but so is brushing your teeth. Habit becomes a problem when it helps you hurt yourself or others without thinking.

Hitler famously used the power of ritual in his rallies and parades to call the power of a nation to the service of hate. He created systems, habits, and gestures that made killing so easy for the bureaucrats in his service, the trials of his henchmen raised the question of whether they could have been accused of thinking about what they were doing at all.

The Hierophant, like habit, doesn’t take a side. Its power is present whenever groups of people use the magic of ritual to raise power. The Hierophant is there when people march for justice and when they rally for hate. The Hierophant is there when a community dances for joy and when they mourn at a funeral. The Hierophant uses the power of habit and group pressure to create addictions and break them.

Guardian of Initiation

The Tarot Pope became the Hierophant under the influence of Waite and Crowley who revised the Tarot in the 20th century. Historically, the Hierophant was the high priest of the Eleusinian Mysteries, a highly secretive cult in ancient Greece that celebrated the mystery of death and rebirth. In order to get in on the secrets of the Eleusinian mysteries, you needed to be initiated, and initiates were so good at keeping the secrets of the order very little is known about it today.

The Hierophant’s new emphasis on initiation was well in line with the archetype’s natural love of structure and conformity. Rachel Pollack says in 78 Degrees of Wisdom that when you work in an initiatory tradition, you are “entering a doctrine, with a set of beliefs which [you] must learn and accept before [you] can gain entrance.”

Initiatory traditions get a bad rap for their secretiveness. They must have something to hide, critics say, if they can’t share everything. But initiatory traditions at their best do not require initiates to assent to the doctrines of the order without knowing them. Instead, initiates are required to go through a discernment period where they think about the principles of the order and whether or not they can conform to them. Once they accept the doctrines of the order, then they are allowed access to the secret rituals and powers that would allow the initiate to use this knowledge.

This process of learning, processing, acceptance, and initiation helps to ensure that initiates do not adopt powerful new habits blindly. The Hierophant is at its most dangerous when masses of people assent to principles without thinking. The draw of belonging is powerful, and the need to require thoughtfulness and consent is one of the reasons for levels of initiation in traditions such as Wicca, the Masons, and Druid orders. At each stage, the initiate learns a little more, and the order and the initiate need to both give their consent before the initiate is allowed to go to the next level.

It was the initiatory side of the Hierophant that finally lead me to make peace with the archetype. I realized that you don’t need to be a mindless automaton to work with the archetype. I had been born into Christianity. I was initiated into the religion under the threat of hellfire before I was old enough to understand its beliefs and doctrines. But I am an adult now with strong beliefs and principles. When I meet the Hierophant in the robes of the initiator, I do it with love and trust and my eyes wide open.

Reading Tarot Like The Hierophant

In the context of a Tarot reading, the Hierophant is present in the rituals you build into your practice. If you always shuffle your cards and lay them out a certain way, you are participating in the Hierophant. The Hierophant helps you to discover the habits and gestures and techniques that make your readings better, and the Hierophant uses the power of habit to help you do those things consistently.

The Hierophant also influences your Tarot practice when you study within the context of magical orders or sit at the feet of mentors who work within a tradition, even if it is a tradition they’ve created themselves.

Because traditions gain power from unconscious habits of thought, it is important to become conscious of the beliefs and traditions that influence your readings.

It is healthy, too, to periodically set aside some time to consider your lineage. Where did your ideas about the meanings of the cards come from? Who are your Tarot teachers? Who were their teachers? How much do you know about the traditions they belong to? How much do you know about your own traditions? What assumptions about how the world works inform your practice? What do you believe about fate and free-will? The afterlife and past lives? Good, evil, and the nature of suffering?

Lastly, if you read for others, it is important to be open with your clients about your traditions and beliefs, as well. Whenever we read for others, we may be acting as initiators, even if we don’t realize it. Your clients have the right to consent before being initiated into your mysteries, just as you have that right when you present yourself to the Hierophant.

[nrth-wind-a]

@skraelofthenorthwind​ - Christmas Gift!

Drabble Below the Cut!

Prompt: Something with Moppet and Skrael! --

The question comes as a shock, with little preamble, as most questions Hisirdoux poses have been lately. Skrael has finally broken the boy of his fear of reprimand for asking a question he worries he may be judged for, he thinks. It is good; no one should be punished for curiosity, he believes. However, glad as he is that this habit has been broken, he rapidly becomes aware that there is the unfortunate side effect of being tossed questions that he is entirely unprepared for.

“Master Skrael, ah… who was Myrddin Wylt?”

Skrael is attending to the mephits when his apprentice asks. It is by luck alone that Skrael does not drop the food he is divvying into their feeders, as he struggles to keep himself under control.

After a few slowing heartbeats, he looks up at Hisirdoux, and tries to keep his voice even, “Where did you hear that name?”

His apprentice seems to shrink a touch, looking guilty, and, well, that won’t do, so Skrael places the food bag on  the floor— a treat for the mephits, who pounce on it; he pays them little mind— and floats over to Hisirdoux, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “I am not angry that you have asked; remember that I never will be. I merely wish to understand the context of your question, so that I may best answer.”

Douxie stares into Skrael’s eyes, trying to search for dishonesty, but he will not find any there; only kindness. Tension fades from his shoulders then, and he responds, “His name is written in the corners of some of the book covers in the library. And… I found some journals with his name on the first page.”

“Did you read them?” Skrael asks, once again struggling to remain calm.

“No… not yet. I wanted to know who their author was, first.”

It is Skrael’s turn to relax a fraction, as he thanks the gods above that his apprentice has learned to treat sources with a critical mind. It isn’t that he doubts Douxie in that area… it’s more that, brilliant as Myrddin was under their tutelage, he turned against his own masters by one singular account, by one potential future, and refused to see a reason to question it. Skrael is grateful that he does not have to fear repetition of the past in anything but word today.

He gives a gentle smile, both proud and relieved, and says, “Well, then, let us move to the library. We may settle in, and I shall tell you the story of Myrddin Wylt as we knew him. Though, I warn you, it is not entirely a happy one.”

Hisirdoux looks concerned at that, may the gods bless him, but Skrael gestures for him to follow, as the two make their way across the fortress.

Upon entering the library, Skrael has Hisirdoux pull up two chairs for them, as Skrael uses a flint to light some fresh logs in the fireplace.

“I will give you one more chance to turn back. This story may not… be a comfortable one.” Skrael offers, as he gestures for his apprentice to sit.

Hisirdoux takes a seat, shaking his head. “No. I want to hear it. It sounds important.”

Skrael gives a soft, humorless laugh. “Well. I suppose that is one word for it.” He pauses, then, trying to think about where to begin, before he decides that a better idea will be to simply ask Hisirdoux to clarify his question.

The boy thinks for a moment, then, tapping a finger to his chin in thought. What did he want to know about Myrddin?

“Was he one of you?” He finally asks.

A reasonable question. Skrael shakes his head, “Not quite. If anything, he was more akin to what you are to us. He came to us for aid with magic, aid in learning and controlling it. We were happy to oblige, of course. He was young; older than you when I found you, but not by much. He was the first pupil we’d had in a long few centuries, so his arrival in our lives was welcome, as yours was.”

Skrael pauses, here, and Douxie immediately fears that this will be the extent of the conversation, so he blurts another question, dissatisfied. “What was he like? Was he a good student? I’ve, ah, seen some of his annotations in page margins…” He admits, flushing a little, having not initially mentioned that.

His master shoots him a raised eyebrow, a silent admonition, though it is ruined by the slightly amused quirk of his lips, which he can’t quite shoo away. “I see. Well… What was Myrddin like?” Skrael repeats the question, thinking about it for a longer moment.

“He was… talented…”

There is a flash of a memory in Skrael’s mind. Myrddin throwing himself relentlessly into his training and studies. The voracious pace at which he read. The demand for advanced lessons. The way his sharp eyes always had an air of arrogance to them, even when Skrael knew he didn’t mean for them to.

“…bold…”

The arguments he’d have with Skrael and Bellroc, under the guise of ‘debates.’ The determination to prove himself. The desire to establish himself beyond even the Order’s power.

“…a brilliant mind…”

The way Myrddin seemed to nearly always be inside his own head. The drive to be someone, and to do things independently. The way he’d never asked for help humbly, had only ever said that if Skrael, Bellroc, and Nari knew how to do it, then he needed to know as well. Needed to, not wanted to.

“…diligent…”

Myrddin had always done things by the book, to the letter, even if that meant taking the long way round. Skrael had tried to open him up to more creative solutions, but he’d never accepted them.

“He… worked for the good of as many as he could.”

And yet, still hadn’t understood what needed to be done. He hadn’t understood the balance of magic, hadn’t wanted to listen, when Skrael tried to show him that man must be weigh in balance with the arcane, not overwhelm it, the way it had begun to, as Myrddin had grown older. He’d been with the Order for so, so much longer than most had been, and yet, still refused to see sense on the matter. He’d fallen victim to the charm of mortals that Skrael had, too, once upon a time. But their charm would wear for Skrael where it did not for Myrddin. Myrddin, who’d started calling himself Merlin in those last few days, shifting his name to one that the humans favored.

Skrael hadn’t liked it.

“But… he was also stubborn. When his mind was made up… it was made up. It was unshakeable.” It had never been a problem until The Night.

The loss of Myrddin… the loss of the seals.

All because of Myrddin’s stupid power, his favored field, the one he’d bolstered too much, to the neglect of certain others. It was all Myrddin’s own fault that he’d felt he needed to leave. He’d foreseen only a potential future, but had taken it as fact, as set fate, all because it was little scarier than the others he’d seen. All because it had seemed as vivid as a waking nightmare. Once upon a time, Skrael would have comforted his apprentice through it, but the man had shoved him off.

“You’re going to destroy the world.” He’d said, with all the certainty one would hold when declaring themself alive, or speaking their own name.

Skrael hadn’t taken it the same way. He’d tried to explain how it was only certain as sand on the shore, or wind through the trees.

“He didn’t listen to reason,” Skrael says in the present, eyes looking distant. “It is why he no longer studies here. You are welcome to read his journals, Hisirdoux, but I caution you to do so with the critical mind you have already demonstrated. And thank goodness for that,” Skrael forces a smile, as he reaches over to ruffle his apprentice’s hair, “I’m not overly keen on the idea of losing two apprentices to the same falsehood.”

Hisirdoux laughs quietly at the touch, but bats his master’s hand away, looking at him seriously. “Master Skrael… I- I just want you know…” He chews his bottom lip for a moment, before continuing, trying not to fear that his words will be viewed with dismissal, or disbelief. “I won’t run away. You won’t lose me. I-I mean, I can’t promise I won’t sneak out, but—”

Skrael gives a soft snort at that, but Douxie ignores it, though the way his eyes are twinkling with mischief reveals that he is a touch proud anyway, “But I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”

The air between them is still for half a second, as Skrael feels something change in his chest. Something loosens. Something falls away. Something he hadn’t even known he’d had lodged there.

“Ah…” It is becoming far too common, Skrael thinks, that Hisirdoux is able to completely shake him to his core with just how… how abjectly good an apprentice he has found. He isn’t even entirely sure where it comes from. Skrael could not have been the one to teach him that. Skrael is too cynical, too pessimistic to think the way Hisirdoux does sometimes, and he isn’t sure that Bellroc is any better than he is. No, he is sure; that is all Hisirdoux himself. That is all the boy’s own soul, his own kindness, his own compassion. Skrael considers himself the luckiest in every realm that he is able to not only bear witness to it, but to see it directed toward himself, so undeserving, he thinks.

“Thank you, Hisirdoux. I am glad—” Skrael is cut off by a hug. Oh.

Hisirdoux’s head has buried into Skrael’s neck, and he is bending awkwardly, but doesn’t seem to pay it mind. Nonetheless, Skrael shifts in his chair, pulling Hisirdoux into it next to him, and adjusts their arms so that he can embrace him properly in return.

“Are you alright?” He whispers.

Hisirdoux huffs and pulls back, looking Skrael in the eyes, “Are you?”

Skrael blinks, once again caught in wonderment at his own luck. “I…” he hesitates for just a moment, evaluating. Even if he isn’t, Douxie deserves the truth.

But… no. On the contrary—

“I am now.” Skrael says, and he means it.

And he is so, immensely glad that he does, because Hisirdoux’s resulting smile could light the world, as he leans back in, resting his head on Skrael’s shoulder. “I’m glad. I’m okay, too, to answer your question. I was just… I was worried. About you.”

Skrael gives a soft smile, reaching up to stroke his apprentice’s hair, as he says, “I appreciate your concern, Hisirdoux, but I promise you that if I am not, it would be no task of yours to handle it. I am meant to be there to help you, but you are my so-student,” Skrael barely corrects in time, “So you will not be forced into a position where you must act as caretaker, I assure you.”

Hisirdoux frowns, and though he doesn’t pull back, he does look up at Skrael through his eyelashes, who looks right back down at him, “But what if I want to be?”

Skrael is becoming far too acquainted with surprise. “Ah. Then… I will still insist that you summon Bellroc and Nari as well, to come and help. However… I will, of course, be incredibly grateful for your presence. You… you do make everything better, here, you know.”

Finally, Hisirdoux is getting a dose of his own medicine, as his eyes go wide in bafflement, “Really?”

Skrael smiles knowingly, “Very much so.” He glances around conspiratorially, before grinning back at Douxie, as he stage-whispers, “In fact, I believe that I have never seen Bellroc quite so eager to work with anyone than when they get to deliver your lessons for the day. But you did not hear this from me, do you understand, Hisirdoux?” Skrael slips into his lecture voice, and Douxie nods enthusiastically.

“I understand completely, Master. I am to immediately tell them on sight.” He says, managing to hold a completely straight face, which makes Skrael burst out into a startled laugh.

“Oh, you traitor. I have half a mind to punish you for that, so it would be in your best interest to begin groveling…” Skrael pauses for emphasis, “now.”

Hisirdoux gives false consideration back, drawing out an exaggerating ‘hum,’ before he bolts from the chair, calling Bellroc’s name out the library doors. Skrael chuckles softly, watching him for just a moment, savoring the way his apprentice’s eyes are practically sparkling with his mischief, before he rises from the chair as well, and, in his bout of playfulness, decides to properly run after Hisirdoux, who gives a yelp when he sees him, the pair of them giving chase toward Bellroc’s quarters.

Later, their play will have ended up in a pile of all three order members and their young apprentice, tangled together on Bellroc’s floor, breathless from laughter, and all Skrael will be able to think is, Thank the lucky stars for him.

[writingquestionsanswered]

What to feel when a friend with who you shared your writing rewrites what you sent in their style, as if fixing what's wrong with your writing, and then send it back to you like that saying you can replace your writing with theirs? I feel like someone slapped me backhanded and lost all my motivation. It felt like they were showing how much better they are, how much I suck, and I don't know what to do. I would have preferred an outright critic that at least told me more than all my writing is bad

Guide: Negative Feedback

I’m going to answer your question, but I want to take this opportunity to do a little guide on negative feedback and what to do with it.

Negative Feedback Doesn’t Mean Your Writing is Bad

I want to start here, because this is a common misconception among newer writers–that only positive feedback is good and negative feedback means you’ve failed, and that’s just simply not true. Negative feedback is an important part of the feedback process. In fact, it’s the most important part of the feedback process, because while it’s nice to hear that your description is good and your characters are strong, you can’t do anything with that. You can’t make your story better with that feedback, and that’s the whole point of seeking feedback in the first place–to learn what people like and don’t like so you can make your story better.

Even the Best Authors Get Negative Feedback

There’s no such thing as a story that everyone loves. It’s not possible to please everyone. So even the best, most highly acclaimed authors receive negative feedback. These are actual snippets of one-star reviews on Amazon:

Emma by Jane Austen

“I don’t like Jane’s writing.”

“This story was quite boring to me.”

“There was no plot.”

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

“It’s an awful and depressing story with no redeeming qualities.”

“Why is this a classic?”

“Waste of time. Predictable and boring.”

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

“This is a tedious and repetitive read.”“Simple, silly story with forgettable characters.”“Doesn’t even deserve one star.”

So, Don’t Take Negative Feedback to Heart

Any type of feedback is just one person’s opinion, and just because they have that opinion doesn’t mean they’re right. And opinion can be affected by everything from personal tastes and experiences, to personality and mood. That’s why it’s so important not to take it personally or let it destroy your motivation.

What to Discard and What to Take Seriously

First and foremost, the weight of any bit of feedback should depend on how many people you’re getting feedback from. If you only have two people giving you feedback and one person tells you, “the main character is annoying,” that’s 50% of your audience at that point. Which is why it’s super helpful to get feedback from as many people as possible. But, also, if you have at total of ten beta readers and three people think your main character is boring, that’s only 30%, so you probably don’t need to worry about it too much. The majority didn’t seem to have that problem. I personally tend to disregard any feedback not shared by at least 30% of the people giving me feedback.

And, just because one person says, “I think your protagonist is an unlikable jerk,” doesn’t mean anyone else would feel that way. Again, that’s why it’s important to weigh that opinion against what others say. If most of your other readers seemed to like the protagonist, you probably don’t need to worry.

When multiple people have the same complaint, however, it’s definitely worth taking seriously and finding a way to fix the issue.

Unspecified Feedback Sucks–Its Ok to Ask for Clarification!

If a bit of feedback really gets under your skin, whether it’s from one person or several, but it’s really broad or completely unspecified, like “I hated some of your characters!” or “I hated all of your characters!” PLEASE know that it’s okay to ask for clarification. You obviously don’t want to needle your beta readers with questions, but if something they said really strikes you as important but you’re not sure what they mean or what they’re specifically referring to, just ask.

Also, when inviting people to give you feedback, whether an alpha reader, critique partner, or beta readers, it’s often helpful to let them know what you’re looking for in feedback, including asking them to be specific.

When You Get a Rewrite Instead of Feedback

It’s one thing when someone offers a rewording of a particularly tricky sentence or paragraph–I’ve had people do that for me occasionally and have done it for others–but when someone does this habitually and ends up rewriting huge chunks of your story, that’s just not okay. That’s not what you were asking for, and it’s important for you to know the problem lies with them, not you. First and foremost, just discard that crap. This is your story, not theirs. If they want to write a story, they’re welcome to, but they shouldn’t try to commandeer your work.

But also, take their beta experience into account, because it’s possible they just haven’t beta read before or haven’t done it a lot and genuinely didn’t know what else to do. This is another reason why it’s helpful to let people know what you expect from them when inviting them to give you feedback. Sometimes people just don’t know what you’re looking for, so they do something totally unexpected like rewrite half your story. And there are also people who confuse beta reading with editing, though even editors shouldn’t be completely rewriting your story like that.

You may decide to not work with that particular person again. Or, if you do, next time you invite them to give you feedback, just say something like, “I’m just looking for overall impressions and general feedback, not any sort of editing or revision. Thanks!”

No matter what, just don’t take that kind of thing to heart. Because I could hand twenty people the first chapter of any critically acclaimed book and they could all find ways to put their own spin on it. That isn’t a statement about the writer. It’s just a testament to the versatility of storytelling. No sweat! It doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer. :)

————————————————————————————————-Have a question? My inbox is always open, but make sure to check through my FAQ and post master lists first to see if I’ve already answered a similar question. :)

[mediaeval-muse]

Book Review

After the Wedding. By Courtney Milan. 2018.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Worth Saga #2

Summary:  Adrian Hunter, the son of a duke's daughter and a black abolitionist, is determined to do whatever his family needs—even posing as a valet to gather information. But his mission spirals out of control when he’s accused of dastardly intentions and is forced to marry a woman he’s barely had time to flirt with.

Camilla Worth has always dreamed of getting married, but a marriage where a pistol substitutes for “I do” is not the relationship she hoped for. Her unwilling groom insists they need to seek an annulment, and she’s not cruel enough to ruin a man’s life just because she yearns for one person to care about her.

As Camilla and Adrian work to prove their marriage wasn’t consensual, they become first allies, then friends. But the closer they grow, the more Camilla’s heart aches. If they consummate the marriage, he’ll be stuck with her forever. The only way to show that she cares is to make sure he can walk away for good

***Full review under the cut.***

Trigger/Content Warnings: race-based micro aggression, implicit slut shaming, sexual content, strong language/swearing

Overview: I don’t think I need to say why I picked up another Courtney Milan book at this point, so let’s get on with the review.

Writing: As always, Milan’s prose gives the impression of simplicity and effortlessness. I think she has a good instinct for when to tell versus show, and I like the way she communicates what is happening clearly and thoughtfully. I also think her pacing in this book was pretty close to ideal - she wasn’t afraid to let emotionally heavy moments breathe, and more exciting “action” (if you could call them that) scenes didn’t take up more space than they had to.

Plot: The majority of this plot revolves around Adrian, our hero, trying to “get dirt” on a corrupt bishop while also balancing his duties to his family and seeking an annulment for his forced marriage to Camilla, our heroine. I’ll talk about the romance below, so for now, I’ll focus on the other aspects of the plot. The annulment plot was rather straightforward in that I think Milan clearly communicated what Adrian and Camilla needed to do. I liked that it wasn’t just “abstain from having sex,” but a whole tangle of things, like obtaining character witnesses, referring to themselves as married, the matter of their social standing, etc. As Milan writes in her author’s note, annulments actually weren’t that easy to obtain, and I’m glad this plot made it clear.

The “getting dirt” on the bishop plot was also understandable. Given that the bishop in question was the one who forcibly married the two, it makes sense how the original mission to uncover his corruption would be tangled up in the annulment plot. I didn’t find this storyline quite as compelling, but I understand why it’s there - more to serve as a frame than the actual “meat” of the story itself.

The family business/china business plot mostly seemed to serve as an external pressure on Adrian, and though it started out as just another source of stress, it became more interesting to me when Camilla got involved with both the the plate designs and the camaraderie of the workers. But though I found it personally uninteresting, I do appreciate why it was there - it gave Adrian an enterprise to focus on, and gives the impression that he isn’t just at his uncle’s beck and call. He’s an independent businessman in England who has an eye for art, which goes against a lot of stereotypes or assumption about Black people in 19th century England, I think.

Characters: Adrian, our hero, is youngest son of a white mother (the daughter of a duke) and a Black abolitionist (from America, I think?). He is confident and kind, inspiring others to be their best selves and displaying remarkable understanding when they make mistakes. Adrian also desires to be acknowledged by his maternal uncle, a rival bishop who shows affection in private but treats Adrian like a servant in public. He wants so desperately to be acknowledged that he lets his uncle take advantage of him, and a large part of Adrian’s arc involves him finally getting the courage to draw the line and put a stop to it. I found Adrain to be instantly likable and sweet, and I think his ability to tackle problems, juxtaposed with his hilarious inability to lie, was quite fun to watch.

Camilla, our heroine, is the daughter of a disgraced earl and has been shuffled around from home to home. As a result, she’s lost contact with her siblings, and has serious abandonment issues, but remarkably, she still has the courage to hope that someday, someone will love her enough to stick around. I like how her personal arc mirrored Adrian’s in a way: while Adrian longs to be accepted by his family, Camilla longs to be accepted by anyone. Part of both of their arcs involve valuing themselves, and with Camilla, it’s especially powerful because she has so little support to begin with (as opposed to Adrian, whose brother Grayson is always there to look out for him). Camilla’s internal thoughts had a bit of a tendency to be repetitive, but I do think Milan struck a good balance between voicing Camilla’s insecurities and acting admirably. In other words, Camilla didn’t come across as clingy or desperate to me, in part because she never sought to *make* Adrian stay with her.

I also very much liked the sibling dynamics in the story. Grayson, Adrian’s older brother, is supportive and always shows concern for Adrian’s happiness, and I liked the rapport between them. Camilla’s siblings are fun to read about; Theresa is a forceful personality who is always clashing with their elder sister Judith, but they love each other regardless. I was incredibly happy when they finally found each other, especially since Camilla’s absence was a major point of pain in the first book of this series.

The antagonists were serviceable in that they weren’t especially nuanced, but I felt that the lack of depth worked because the story wasn’t really about the conflict with them. Adrian’s uncle, for example, is perfectly civil; he’s never outright racist, but makes a lot of remarks that show he is ashamed of his Black family, and constantly puts off acknowledging Adrian because of how it would affect his social standing. I think this was a good move on Milan’s part because it didn’t opt to showcase “how bad things were back then” by using racism as a spectacle. Similarly, the corrupt bishop and his accomplice (Camilla’s former employer) were barely characters in the book, but their purpose was mainly to be the catalyst for Adrian and Camilla’s story. Their corrupt dealings revolved thematically around unjustly punishing “fallen women,” so there was an element of feminist justice as well as racial justice to the novel as a whole.

Other: Readers looking for a steamy, sexy romance might be a little disappointed in this book. Milan is not so much concerned with sensual, rapid seduction as she is with a gradual shift from acquaintances to allies to friends to lovers. Adrian and Camilla’s emotional bond is very much at the heart of this love story, and though they are physically attracted to one other, their sexual interest takes a backseat to mutual support. I did enjoy how each enriched the emotional lives of the other: Adrian gave Camilla the confidence to accept that she deserved to be loved, while Camilla’s fierce sense of hope inspired Adrian while also leading him to expect better of his uncle.

I also liked that Milan wrote a mixed race hero and a bisexual heroine without letting those aspects become the defining features of their characters. While we never really forget that Adrian is not white, he’s also not constantly enduring racist remarks or poor treatment. Instead, Milan shows us how Adrian operates in the world by code switching and adopting an air of confidence so that white people will treat him a certain way. But while those things are present, Milan takes great care to show that Adrian is first and foremost a kind person who perhaps gives people too many chances and trusts too easily, which sometimes gets him in trouble, but sometimes endears him to others. Some (probably white) readers might complain about historical accuracy, but honestly, Black people existed in 19th century England and had jobs other than “servant.” And also, who cares about “historical accuracy” in a historical romance - the point is escapism. Get over it.

Perhaps the only thing I can criticize in this regard is that the focus on both living as a Black person in England and the injustices shown towards women (both in society’s treatment of “fallen women” and in the ecclesiastical courts) are topics worth exploring in detail on their own. Because there was so much going on, I felt like neither topic got its due diligence, but maybe not every novel needs a thorough exploration of these themes. Maybe this is just personal preference.

Overall, this was a delightful read, and I liked it better than the first installment in the series. Milan continues to be my favorite romance author, and I look forward to her next book!

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 1-9 overview.

Thoughts on the new Windclan, courtesy of famed Erin Hunter impersonators: 

“DIRT BOYS!! LET'S MAKE THEM ALL DIRT BOYS!” -- K. 

"I understand we've stressed extensively that ALL Windclan love running and are skinny binches and need to be under the sky or they're sad, BUT half the clan has always been buff as fuck and live like moles :) :) we just didn't mention it before because it wasn't important to Harry's journey :) :) :)” -- S.

For this first share, we’ll keep to the questions posted earlier in the week so that there’s some kind of structure to what we’re doing! Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book. 

1. First impressions? 

S. better than Bluestar's Prophecy.   K.  Not as bad as BP but also hoo boy, you peel back the onion and it only gets uglier the more you think about it huh K.  Me, reading the book initially: Wow I actually kind of enjoyed this! Me now: I See. I See The Truth.

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S.  mostly the usual amount of exasperation! But it was also fun and I like Tallpaw K.  About the same! Not as bored as BP, and I do like Tallpaw, so that's a blessing in disguise.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. probably the one where Heatherstar causes a ruckus and acknowledges Tallpaw's best interests. There was genuinely tension and it was refreshing to have a character in authority actually act reasonably towards Tallpaw.  K.  I agree, that one had me really excited to read.

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S.  I honestly struggled with chapter eight. If I have to read too much action being described, I black out. I just find it so boring. That's not actually a criticism at Erin Hunter. I just have a short attention span for people Doing Things that aren't talking, sword-fights, having big emotions, sex, or any combination. And even then, the sword-fights and/or sex still have to keep to a reasonable word limit or I wander away. I'm the worst. I'm literally like a child who only wants to eat sweets, but in written form.  S. I forgot basically all of chapter eight for the above reason of being terrible, so that's on me.

K. I have nothing written at all about Chapter 7. I liked seeing the apprentice training being like, at least marginally different than Thunderclan's but also It Sucked Bad Chapter Moving On.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. I actually had a nice time reading about Plumclaw and Tallkit interacting. She was talking him through having his first mouse, I think, and it was genuinely sweet and moving in a way that Erin Hunter's writing almost never is. There was a legit connection and for a moment, I actually believed in these characters as people who lived together and actually have relationships and care. That’s really what I’m about, so it was a pleasant surprise to find in this book. 

K. I have two brief passages for different reasons:  “He’s my son,” Sandgorse snarled. “I’ll decide his future.” Heatherstar  stiffened.  “I decide  the  future  of my warriors.” LOVE Heatherstar showing the fuck up. Absolute legend. K. “Tallkit heard worry in her mew. “Is that why we tunnel under the moor?” he asked. “To hide from the dead warriors in other Clans?” — First tunnelling mention! The idea of Windclan taking shelter from/expertly evading the ghosts of their enemies because of their speed is honestly pretty fun, but I don’t trust the Erins with it one bit. K. This kind of legend is something I think I'd much prefer in like, a Watership Down style myth or story? K. But not if Erin's touching it. S. I was like, "oh this is the sickest thing you've ever--no no no no no" K. (oh, and just for fun, one of my other fave quotes was Dawnstripe saying "We guard the edge of the world." That felt cool.)

6. What themes did you notice in these chapters? What motifs or repeated symbolism/description appeared to you?

K.  Love is a big one, obvs. K.  Also, lots of stories and storytelling? Which feels just like Erin slapping more bullshit in here but like, that feels kinda relevant.

S. I struggled to find cohesive themes in this chunk, except I think division? The division between the tunnellers and moor runners, between Tallpaw and his mum, between Heatherstar and her clan. That's really what popped for me.

K.  Oh, and like... expectations. The clan's expectations of Heatherstar, Sandgorse's of Tallpaw, Tallpaw's expectations for himself.

7. How do you feel about the characters, their motivation, their choices?

K.  They're like. Not the worst? Lots of them fucking suck, as usual. But I'm at least very happy that I actually want to see Tallpaw succeed and grow. Also Heatherstar and Dawnstripe and Barkpaw are great.

S. I like Tallpaw! That's a lot of projection on my part, but I've found him a lot less grating than Bluepaw (who I also wanted to love). S. One of my first major aggravations in the early chapters is Shrewpaw. He's unbearable, and what makes him so is the one-note bullying. It's the equivalent of reading someone go, "I'm not touching you," in an annoying voice for nine chapters, which I feel is another example of Erin Hunter's habit of repetition.  There was less of that in this book than BP, but I still counted a few instances of cats having the same conversation a few times. S. The other cat I can't stand is Sandgorse. My god. That moment when he tells his literal infant son to go cheer up his depressed mother made me just about scream. S. “Go cheer up your mother, child” GO CHEER UP YOUR WIFE, HUSBAND

K.  This is where it's gonna get interesting, because I think my fucking senses were dulled by how much Erin fucked up dads last time, because I didn't hate him off the hop!

S. To me, he smacks of a lowkey toxic masculinity. And the kind of emotional manipulation he does makes me [narrow eyes]. S. (I didn't take very good notes about this bit, because I forgot. I only have "Sandgorse is such a loser" but I trust past me's judgement).

K.  I strongly do think that my impression of Sandgorse is different if only because I think I was so tired at seeing all the non-existent dads in Bluestar's Prophecy that the fact that he actually has conversations with his son and wife for more than like, a sentence, made me go "Oh thank god" And maybe this too is a bit of a projection, but I sort of initially saw him as like... that well-meaning dad who tries to be nice but still manages to fuck up and not actually listen to what people need at all. Like, the classic stupid dad in a bad TV movie who has A Dream for his kid. Where he doesn't mean to be an asshole, he just thinks he's right and that his kid agrees with him because Why Wouldn't He. So I think I took a lot of his dialogue and actions to be a bit more well-meaning-but-still-not-great rather than fully toxic. Obviously it doesn't end well for anyone, but I guess I've just seen too many father figures go around with nice intentions who have absolutely Zero ability at reading a room let alone their kids

S. I think for me, that is the problem. And I think I am less forgiving towards it.

K. Stormtail [Bluestar’s father, Bluestar’s Prophecy] feels like more of the asshole dad, to me, but like. They're both different brands of Not Good.

S. Stormtail is super just a complete prick, no doubt. I think Sandgorse is more engaged with his kid, for sure. But I think it's a very hollow engagement, because he denies everything about Tallpaw's actual personality and desires and just sees him as an extension of himself to control. Which is sort of parental abuse 101.

K. Oh, and while we're discussing them: Palebird huh. Again, Erins, can't write a woman, but like. I don't know, I think that like... she felt like a neat character for the first chapter and now they're doing their Bad Things with her by making her boring and Just Sad and kind of useless in the background for them to mess with and probably kill off later. Like, she doesn't have a whole lot of personality, but she could. S. I think I'd like all the characters more if I spent less time with them. Like, I think for me, the pace is too slow, the dialogue is too long, and because of that, I get bored and annoyed with the characters. Whereas I think if it was only a couple of chapters, forcing the dialogue to be more punchy and illuminating of their character, and less mired in sadness (Palebird) or digging stupid holes (Sandgorse) or bullying (Shrewpaw), I'd have a lot more fun. But as it stands, Palebird starts talking and I start zoning out because they've really done her so dirty in this.

8. If you could ask any character in this section a question, what question would you ask them?

K. Heatherstar: How does it feel to be the baddest bitch in the room at any given moment K. Palebird: Why the FUCK are you with this bastard K. Sandgorse: WHY are you LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

S. Barkpaw: what is it about learning medicine that you love? Or.... Barkpaw: how did you decide to give up your future with others, for a future in medicine? What was that decision like?

K.  A more serious question from me, hehe: Tallpaw - If no one was watching, what would make you happiest to do or say? K.  Shrewpaw: What about yourself do you feel most inadequate about? What part of that drives you to act towards others like you do?

S. Shrewpaw: what's your fucking damage, buddy?

9. In your opinion, what is “world-building” and how important is it to you as a reader (or writer)? How do you feel about the world-building of these chapters so far? If you could, would you change anything, and what would you change?

S. Oh, I hate it. S.  What's hilarious is that for maybe the first time ever Erin Hunter is putting effort in. You can see how hard they're working to make tunnelling sound "cool" or relevant, how they're describing all these tunnel-related skills and techniques the way they do with fighting or whatever. S. And the irony is it's such a wasted effort because personally? Could not care less. This world-building enraptures me none amount and I spend the whole time scoffing like, sure Jan. 

K. One of my notes off the hop is: "I know that Erin’s trying to like… make Windclan look unique by adding these new positions, but just labelling some warriors as “moor runners” doesn’t cut it. Their job is: “hunting and patrolling the borders”. That’s just? An average warrior thing to do? It’s not special, and naming it something fancy doesn’t make me feel like you’re actually adding anything to Windclan’s mythology here." Which is really just tunnel adjacent, but it's still relevant.

K.  Other choice tunneling notes:  "...Listen, I get it, inter-clan conflict is wonderful. But WHY do the moor runners and tunnellers hate each other? If the tunnels are so important to Windclan’s way of life, SURELY the above-ground warriors would feel respect for them? And if Windclan holds such value in their tunnels (Palebird literally just said that the tunnels mean they’re “stronger and cleverer” than the other clans), then WHY would Windclan cats hate them for it?? To have this weird seemingly generational distrust between the two castes is just. Fucking bananas." k. "Hey Erin: Why introduce the tunnellers at all if you keep putting them down and saying how much worse it would be to be one. What’s the point."

S. “I'm still not over the fact they're [Erin Hunter] like... "what can we do to make Windclan, the clan who famous won't even build nests because they like to live under the stars, special and different from the rest... oh I fucking know."

K. "Why is no one in charge in this clan that’s been a tunneller?? Heatherstar and Reedfeather just… fully don’t understand tunnelling and tunnellers needs?? If I were making this system, I’d have it be mandatory that the leader and deputy have to be one from either caste." S. Why not just ban it already. S. I mean, the book tries so hard to convince us tunnelling is useful. I believe none of it.

K. ALSO why don't the tunnelers b a t h e K. "They're permanently soiled with dirt and soot" DO THEY BATHE??? DO THEY?? WHY DO YOU HATE THIS NEW CASTE THAT YOU SEEM TO LOVE? K. Erin Hunter: look at my cool new worldbuilding set! I'm going to shit on it for an entire book

K.  Like. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what I would do better, but like...  I think I want it to feel 1) more cohesive and believable. 2) It needs to be useful and cement this clan as a group of living, working people. It has to make some kind of sense (to an extent) but also have a purpose! 3) sometimes worldbuilding doesn't need to be "uhh they need more jobs" sometimes it can be "we have this myth about running faster than the ghosts of our enemies" and that's just as successful if you do it right. Like, Erin thought you needed to entirely overhaul Windclan and make them Different to make them better. Instead of working with what's already there!

S. I personally feel it doesn't take much to make the clans really different from each other, and it's more the subtle things that make huge differences, not--like you said--more jobs or anything.  Really don't want to blow my own horn, but like, to use the chapter I just wrote as an example: just by making elders vote to make major decisions alters the clan significantly. That's just one thing, that's putting different emphasis and a new swing on a preexisting facet of every clan.  But immediately you get the effect and it has run-on effects too, which is what good world-building should do. It should be hard to remove any one piece without the whole castle crashing down. And this book is basically about how removing one “major” piece (tunnelling) effectively didn’t change anything, really.  K.  It just doesn't feel right to me! It's too big a change to feel natural, let alone how fucking bad it is.

K. And like, honestly, the Erins even did okay with just highlighting the territory and environmental differences! I've read all the different fucking ways they can write a forest after 30 books and they really have written them all. Even just making THAT a focal point helped to make this book feel somewhat distinct and fresh! 

S. One of my long-standing gripes with Erin Hunter is that their environments are boring and basic and they need way more close detail on plants and whatnot but that is a personal preference, and not actually a flaw. Although admittedly, if you do spend time making an environment interesting, it turns out that becomes a reason to read and a pleasure, instead of something you have to trudge through to get to the Actually Good Bits. But that's not what they're about and I can acknowledge that, if not respect it. 

Extra notes:

S. [Sandgorse’s] basically the dad equivalent of a pageant mum? K. Yeah! K. Sports Dads are just Pageant Mom Regional Variants. S. Oh my god. 

K. The story isn't about [Palebird] and at this point it just feels kind of sad to have her onscreen. S. Yeah, I get the feeling she exists to make Tallstar feels unloved, basically. K. Which sucks! S. "Your mum likes your dead sibling more" is uhh a brutal way to tell a story, Erin.

K. For one: Barkpaw is... the best cat S. YES S. My boy.  K. The Erins only know three medicine cats: Softe, Don't Fucking Touch Me, or The Only Reasonable Gay

K.  1) “Tallpaw swallowed a purr. “No racing, I promise. No having fun whatsoever on the dawn patrol.” I Love Him. 2) Dawnstripe seems nice and I think she and Stonepelt need to be friends. 3) I loved Tallpaw's little chase sequence and how clever he is :>

S. I just can't get over how much it breaks my suspension of disbelief to imagine cats digging. S. Of all things.  S. I can tolerate the bullshit fighting better than I can believe cats digging with any efficiency whatsoever. K. They remind me of the Meerkats from Lion King 1/2. K. And I. K. Despise. K. That film. S. Windclan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U76zyUFg3Xo K. PLEASE END MY SUFFERING

K. I think what pisses me off about [Shrewpaw] the most, sidebar, is that he's like this from the start. Who is teaching him this??? Who is raising this little monster boy???? Who in Windclan is just? rearing xenophobes???? S. Like, he's newly born and walking around being a little fascist. S. And no-one is doing anything about it! All the adults are like, "huh, yeah, kids, am I right?" K. He isn't even as cool as Thistleclaw! He's just a little mean weasel boy! S. Sandgorse is literally like, "yeah that little weak moor runner punk child, what a coward, scared of getting sand in his eyes." Like, that's not the right response At All. K. EVERYONE IS SO RACIST ALL THE TIME SEND TWEET S. And none of the moor runners are being like, "hey stop calling him wormcat, his name is Tallpaw and he's your clanmate." S. Additional sidebar: Shrewpaw calling Tallpaw "wormcat" is my favourite thing in the book. S. It's like if I walked up to a nerd I didn't like and was just like, "lol wormboy." S. Devastating. K. RIGHT S. It's so funny. I was literally there like, "okay this is bad behaviour, Shrewpaw, that's not the right way to act, but also? fucking hilarious." K. It was funny at the start and now that it's his Thing it's even more funny. Like you can't think of anything better to say that you keep invoking the "Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?" goof at all hours. S. It kind of reminded me of the time I was teaching and I had to put a ban on the word "Elmo" because the kids kept basically making it a slur on each other, but it was also the funniest thing and it was SO HARD not to fucking lose it. S. Me, being a good teacher: "All right, that's enough, no-one is allowed to call anyone else 'Elmo' anymore." S. Me on the inside: [dying]

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

I received a question longer than 8 parts that I’m going to post here (it was off anon, so I’m not revealing the identity of the question asker). I’m not going to answer it because my FAQ very clearly sets an 8 question limit and also as you will see it didn’t actually provide a lot of useful information despite the length. I am however going to talk through some of the issues, specifically relating to unnecessary information. Needless to say this will be a very long post hence the read more link.

Before I begin I want to give the origins of the 8 question limit:

-it’s an arbitrary number. felt it was generous and iirc I did go back and look at some past questions to see what was on the longer but still reasonable side

-I did it mainly because copying and pasting each individual question is tedious and also there is a limit to how much I’d like to read and also some people see ‘no more than 8 parts’ and instead of interpreting this as “I should edit myself as thoughtfully as possible” say “I should expand whatever I have to say to 8 parts long, even if it really is only 6 parts worth of material” so 8 was a number I could live with.

-I have yet to find an 8+ part question that couldn’t have been edited to a much shorter question while still keeping the same amount, case in point:

I'm asking for outside help because I've been on a hamster wheel for years where I believe I found my type get happy for a couple hours/days, find all the "signs" of me being that type all along and then...wake up not believing it. Or I see/read something that type is supposed to do/think like that doesn't fit me at al, or see someone I'd like to be like that it's another type and start digging again. I desperately need to arrive at a final typing because it's driving me crazy, I can't quit 1/9

Any preamble that amounts to “could you please type me” can be summarized to “could you please type me?”, a 5 -word phrase. This might however be the preamble that hits the most of my “oh I do not want to engage with this” buttons though:

Long and pleading which makes me kind of uncomfortable, like I do not know you and I don’t handle pleading and begging well anyway

Overinvestment in figuring out their type when often it’s times like this when taking an extended break from MBTI would likely be the best thing for you and indeed your overemphasis in getting an answer rather than learning about yourself might be what’s making it so hard to type

Also when someone says they’ve been trying and trying for years I get nervous because there is a very real chance they’re going to say a lot of stuff that is consciously or unconsciously pulled directly from MBTI descriptions and it’s going to be absolutely useless to work with.

[I should note for this and the rest of my criticism: I have, obviously a whole lot of preferences and dislikes and expecting you to cater to all of them would be completely ridiculous. Had this been an 8-part question I would have answered it, even if that answer might have been “I can’t tell”. As is, however, I’m hoping this might serve as some insight into how to make your question as good as possible which as a bonus will make me more likely to spend lots of time on it because I will be impressed and delighted by your effort.]

When interested in something I gotta find out how it works, or how it’s made. I find that as interesting as the thing itself. I see the way different elements can influence each other in arriving at a certain outcome, and I make decisions according to it. I trust my own reading of what’s probably going on. I trust patterns, things are often connected, not a coincidence. I usually judge fast and hard. I can change my mind very quickly if new facts comes in, but I’m very rarely neutral or 2/9

Some examples would be nice. I mean maybe this person is intuitive and maybe a thinker, although that first preamble didn’t sound very thinker to me, but also everything here is purely in the realm of subjectivity. Obviously we’re going to be subjective about ourselves, but a big part of why I want examples is that it forces people to not say stuff that sounds like it’s ripped directly from a type description.

or uncertain about things/people.I don’t like to make promises because of independence and not wanting to promise what I can’t deliver. I dedicate so much time to my personal hobbies I forget my chores. I tend to get obsessed in finding an answer to something until I get so dizzy/overwhelmed I’m forced to step back (typing myself in different theories is the best example). Hate to see people passing on wrong information and therefore misleading others. I gotta step up and correct them. 3/9

This is fine, I’d still like clearer and more specific examples but it’s fine; the one criticism is when someone starts taking about how they approach MBTI as an example in typing them it’s like PLEASE DO A HOBBY THAT ISN’T ABOUT NAVEL-GAZING, IT WILL IRONICALLY BE MORE HELPFUL.

I have very high standards, specially towards myself. My pride is heavily tied to being great at the things I care about, or am expected to perform. Really can’t stand biased judgements and behaviour by others, and police it in myself too. Truth is my #1 value. I have a natural thirst for and ease at handling a lot of data about whatever I’m interested in. One of biggest pet peeves is resistance to facts. I’m highly observant of things and people around me, there’s so much information I get 4/9

 Okay this sounds kind of like a repeat/rephrasing of a lot of the information in the first two actual content parts (talking about interests, thirst for knowledge, judgement), and editing that down probably could have saved you an ask space thus getting you your answer. If you find yourself running long, go back and see if you are repeating yourself. I do this a lot! When I make blog posts here I don’t care, because this is my place and I do what I want, but I have a tendency to ramble in emails too and I always do a second pass if it’s longer than a paragraph to make sure all the information in there is helpful in making the point I need to make and isn’t repetitive (unless my point is DON’T FORGET THIS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD in which case some thoughtful repetition is often good).

advice, or cried in front of others myself so I can’t relate.I’m very open minded when it comes to physical differences, cultures, orientations etc. But I have a Strong sense of wrong and right that when crossed leads to indignation and promptly “cancealing” people, cutting them off my life. I felt very uneasy when I realized that things I felt a connection to (favorite color, number, animal, flower) lost their meaning to me. Logically I know it’s not a big deal, but it felt like I lost 6/9

so I think we lost a question here (I got 9 questions, but the last question said 10/10) which is another reason to keep it short – fewer opportunities for tumblr to eat it. Although, had two questions been eaten by Tumblr I would have probably answered this, but that’s probably not a gamble you want to make. Anyway this is emphasizing the strong judgements again, and a little emphasis is actually fine – it helps me know what is really important to you – but again, if you’re running long that should be a thing to cut, after the unnecessary preamble.

something. .I need to express my thoughts/opinions, but my feelings are private.I have a huge fear of failure that holds me back. I’m terrified of finding out I suck at what I’d love to do, so I keep that as a fantasy and don’t try it out, to not kill the possibility. I have self sabotaged to keep myself in “safe” spaces but I have realized the reason I’ve been so restless is because I have to honor my ambitions which have always been big and bold. Mistakes and deficiencies jump out at me 7/9

 The information here is mostly fine (although again with the expressing and strong feelings), but it’s also again without examples. There have been precious few examples here, and that’s really difficult to type from – again, I’m not saying it’s easy or even fully possible to be objective about yourself, but sometimes people say “I have a thirst for knowledge” and it means they are pursuing a PhD in philosophy, and sometimes it means they are someone who thinks that reading Wikipedia pages is a personality. [brief aside on that – I don’t want to say reading Wikipedia pages is bad. It’s not. I do it. Yesterday I was interested in how African prints were made and I looked up the Wikipedia page on them, which after a few clicks into related subjects brought me to a page about the androgynous water deity Olukun who originated in Yoruba faith traditions, and it was super interesting. But like…this is just a thing most generally curious people do and not a particularly unique or special indicator that you are smart, which is how it often seems to be intended.] Anyway my point is: examples, examples, examples. If you give specific examples I will be so much happier and more excited to type you because I actually feel like I can say something meaningful.

like neon, I can make very precise and detailed of anything’s quality in seconds. I have little patience with people that are not interested in improvement or resist positive change. Something that drives me nuts is lack of punctuality and money managing skills. I’m very annoyed by unrealistic people that ignore logic or constraints like resources. I’m equally impatient with people who only operate on what’s on the surface and is accepted as true: people who never question the common sense 8/9

Again there’s just…no examples. There’s also been a lot about what this person likes and doesn’t like about other people, and that would better be taken up by information (and examples!) about themself.

or status quo, that trust everything authorities” or the media tells them and never do their own research.I often don’t feel the need to actually do things to see if they’ll work, or try things out to see if I’ll like them. I’m pretty certain of things even before I experience them. I’m not inclined to be diplomatic and persuade. I convince by proving something with evidence, or making they see reason through logic argumentation, and point out possible consequences of choices. I compare 9/9

I’m always a little skeptical of people who think The Media is a monolith, just in general, but that’s neither here nor there. Also, here’s a reason why examples are useful – they provide context into the situation which addresses the very natural conflicts within people, vs. this: “I often don’t feel the need to actually do things to see if they’ll work, or try things out to see if I’ll like them. I’m pretty certain of things even before I experience them” coming from someone who just claimed they value truth above all. Like…this is at least in my opinion the opposite of what someone who values truth would say, because a person who values truth would check if things worked. Which isn’t to say this person is lying – but it means I’m going to have trouble because without, ironically enough, any evidence, which they say they like to use, I don’t know which of those conflicting statements is true or even if they are truly in conflict and just situationally dependent.

things/people a lot naturally because the similarities (and disparities) between them jump out. It’s hard for me to be really surprised at things, or at a person’s character.I’m impatient with learning and doing things that involve many steps/processes. I want to learn everything fast and am just now learning to grow discipline to stick to things in the long run if I don’t see quick progress. I find half baked concepts and theories very annoying, I don't like much ambivalence or vagueness 10/10

I don’t like much ambivalence or vagueness either, but here we are. Also, saying that you tend not to stick with things in the long run and are just developing the ability to do so if you don’t see quick progress does kind of make me have questions about you desperately trying to figure out your MBTI type for years as claimed before. Less is more because it gives you fewer opportunities to contradict yourself.

 Anyway, the takeaway: keep your preamble short (seriously - almost every time someone goes over the 8-part limit it’s at least partially because they talked about their MBTI typing journey for 1-2 asks when a single well-phrased sentence would be far more useful), keep your examples concrete and specific, focus on yourself more than what you think of others, and read what you wrote before sending it to me.

[meggtheegg]

ooh would love to hear you elaborate on autistic!evan please? :))

Okay yes!So. Basically:Throughout the play, Evan shows many symptoms of autism (specifically Asperger’s.) The level of those symptoms varies by actor but there is evidence in just the script that backs my point up.

First, obviously, there’s his social anxiety. Now, of course, social anxiety can be its own thing, but it often goes hand-in-hand with autism, because people on the spectrum have trouble knowing how to behave in a socially acceptable way and often face criticism and backlash for things they didn’t realize were issues.

Then, there’s another big one: his fixation on trees. He brings them up almost constantly, sometimes at points where there’s no obvious reason to bring them up. He writes himself talking about them, unprompted, in Sincerely Me, with the assumption that looking at cool pictures of trees will help someone feel better. And he probably does this a lot in the fake emails we don’t see, considering that Alana becomes convinced that Connor is obsessed with trees. Jared uses it to make a point to Evan about how much he’s pushed Connor out of the narrative. (”If there’s one thing about Connor, the guy loved trees. No, wait. You love trees.”) This is exactly how a lot of autistic people treat their special interests. Wanting to talk about them all the time, changing the subject to turn an unrelated conversation into one about those special interests, becoming an “expert” on them and assuming that other people will get excited about them, too. 

Now, with those two things out of the way, there’s the slightly more subtextual stuff.Evan is very black-and-white in the way he thinks about things. And he takes a lot at face value. When Jared jokes that he broke his arm by jerking off too much, he reacts as if people will believe that he did, even though it’s obviously a joke. He believes Jared and Alana’s very thin facades, and that leads to him falling out with both of them, because he assumes that Jared won’t care if he cuts him out and that Alana isn’t emotionally invested in the Connor Project. He believes Heidi thinks he’s broken because she put him on meds (which, if he’s misdiagnosed and on the spectrum, probably don’t work anyway, but more on that later) and decides that she sees him as a burden. He thinks she won’t mind that he’s at the Murphys’ house instead of at Jared’s because he’s out either way, so why does it matter where he is? He sees all the bad parts of his mom, but all the good parts of the Murphys, not noticing their better-concealed but pretty major problems. He thinks that because they dote on him and don’t push him to get help that they like him more than his mom does. They show more obvious, outward signs of affection, and that is very clear. No interpretation needed. Heidi is trying her best and definitely loves him, but to an autistic kid, that’s a lot harder to see. 

He misunderstands people’s intentions all the time, like with Alana and Jared, with his assumption that Connor took the note in order to bully him with it, thinking that Zoe was breaking up with him when she came over, etc.

He doesn’t connect the dots with social expectations. He’s taken aback at the idea that he’d be expected to give a speech at the kickoff event for the Connor Project, even though it should be obvious. He doesn’t initially realize that the Murphys are going to want to see him again after that first dinner, and that they’ll want to see the supposed “emails.” (And he fails to notice the pretty gay implications of his story until Jared points it out, after which he goes noticeably far to try to shake that idea off.) And that lack of social awareness leads to him doing things he shouldn’t. He gets pulled into the lie and lets it spiral out of control, unaware of how wrong it is and how he’s making it worse. He brushes Jared and Heidi off and replaces them, then is taken aback when they’re upset about it. He kisses Zoe without realizing how wildly inappropriate it is. 

He tends to talk too much, going off on tangents to try to clarify what he’s saying even if clarification isn’t needed. (”I love jazz. Well, not all jazz, but definitely like, jazz-band-jazz, that’s so weird, I’m sorry.” “Well, sometimes. If he brought it up. I never brought it up. Obviously. Why would I have brought it up?”)

He seems to have sensory issues, too. A lot of his worst decisions are made in a desperate attempt to make the people around him stop yelling. That was what caused him to not tell the truth about the note in the first place. He’s also always very aware of how sweaty his hands are, and he often stops to just touch and feel things to ground himself. A lot of actors have him often messing with his clothes, especially his collar, as if he’s bothered by how it’s brushing against his skin.

He has trouble in social situations where he doesn’t have a general planned idea of what to say. He always starts his description of breaking his arm with “I fell out of a tree, actually…” and clearly has the way he’ll tell the story clearly planned out in his head. His interactions with his mom generally seem kind of wooden and practiced. When forced into situations with the Murphys that he doesn’t have a script for, he gets panicked and escalates things. He has a panic attack when he drops his notecards. He’s also very repetitive and clings onto things he’s used to and comfortable with. He repeats the lie in the same way so many times that Alana gets annoyed with him, saying something like “Yes, I know the story, Evan. We’ve all heard the story. You’re like a broken freaking record about it.” Zoe has to ask him to stop talking about the Connor Project. Also, based on the book, he sticks very closely to a routine. He has the same lunch every single day (and sits in the same spot, I believe.) He describes his letter-writing process in a very step-by-step, planned out, repetitive way. There are probably more examples but I haven’t read the book in a while and I think I’ve made my point.

Also, a lot of this is down to acting choices, but most actors I’ve seen play Evan with a lot of “tics” and fidgeting, ie. stimming, and a tendency to avoid eye contact. Some of them give him issues with volume control. At one point my brother noticed that Michael Lee Brown even went for some subtle echolalia. He also sometimes squeaks a lot or makes other noises and gestures that seem to have no clear purpose.

What really seals the deal for me is the whole medication/feeling broken thing. It was almost definitely not Steven Levenson’s intent but hey, death of the author. I interpret the text, not the intention. A major criticism of the show is that Evan goes off his meds and is totally fine afterwards. That is not a good message to send and seems poorly thought out for a show that seems to have thought of a lot. But, if he was misdiagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, etc, medication wouldn’t do what it was supposed to. It obviously wouldn’t make him less autistic, and could actually make him feel worse because they’re supposed to “fix” him and aren’t doing that. Autism isn’t a treatable thing, especially not with pills. Maybe the meds alleviated the anxiety, but his social struggles didn’t go away. And that convinces him that there is something inherently wrong, or broken about him. (”I’d rather pretend I’m something better than these broken parts / Pretend I’m something other than this mess that I am.”) He’s being treated for the wrong disorder, so of course it’s not working. Of course stopping them doesn’t really make a difference. If the causes of his anxiety were lessened, it could be possible that by the time he stopped, they were doing nothing at all for him, anyway.

Writing affirmation letters and taking anxiety medication doesn’t take away sensory issues or difficulty with social cues. It doesn’t stop special interests from being the only thing you want to talk about. It doesn’t stop the desperate desire to fit in and no idea how to. And in Evan’s specific case, it didn’t stop him from being constantly berated by his overly honest only friend over things he didn’t realize were socially unacceptable. It didn’t stop his mom from acting like he wasn’t trying. It didn’t stop the rest of the school from ostracizing him. 

That’s what made him cling onto the Murphys. They made him feel like he wasn’t broken. Zoe treated his struggles and quirks like they were endearing instead of annoying. Larry and Cynthia never acted like he was different and encouraged him to go out of his comfort zone, but not to the point that it felt like they were pushing. They treated him the way they treated anyone else. And that was all he wanted. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

2 for 1 special.

1. Are you one of those survey takers who take off tags? Why or why not? No, that’s really shitty. There’s rarely a tag on the surveys I find, whether there wasn’t one to begin with or someone else removed it, but if there is one I keep it there.  2. What kind of signs do you use when you pose for pictures? (i.e peace signs, thumbs up, rock, etc) I don’t make any signs. My signature pose is I slightly angle my head a certain way and give a closed mouth smile. 3. How often do you clean your room? Ugh, my room is bad right now. It’s really cluttery. I have too much stuff and not enough space. I’ve been wanting to go through and get rid of some things, but I just can’t seem to muster up the energy. Or the motivation. :/ It’s driving me nuts cause my room used to always be clean, but now it’s messy like me. 4. Where do you find new bands? I generally find new music on Spotify, but sometimes from my brother. 5. Do you have a favorite survey taker around xanga? If so, who? Well, obviously not Xanga (RIP), but there’s a pretty great group of us survey takers on here. Ya’ll know who you are. (:

6. How about survey maker? Do you have a favorite? I did, but they don’t make surveys anymore I don’t think. :( 7. What color is your computer chair? I always have my laptop on my bed. 8. When you buy a magazine, do you cut out the pictures that you like so you can put them on the wall, or do you keep the magazine the way it is? I did in my preteen and early teenage years. 9. Do you like to read? If so, what kind of books do you read and who is your favorite author, if you have one? I love to read. I like YA, NA, mystery, and psychological thriller.  10. Do you make 'To Do' lists often? No, but if I actually have something I need to do I’ll sometimes set a reminder on my phone. 11. Who is your worst teacher? And why is he/she the worst? I’m done with school. 12. Do you organize your files on your computer? Yeah. 13. Isn't it funny how almost every survey asks what your favorite color is? That one doesn’t bother me. There’s other repetitive questions that irk me, though. 14. How long can you go without eating? My appetite fluctuates. There’s days where I hardly eat anything or don’t eat anything until much later in the day. There’s bad days where I don’t eat at all, but I don’t allow more than a day, though. If my appetite is that messed up I have to make myself try and eat something.  15. Do you carry a bag when you go out? I’ve been using a mini backpack. I’ve been into those instead of a purse now. 16. Have you seen that Converse high heels? Would you wear it if you had the chance to? I’ve seen them... they don’t appeal to me at all. I couldn’t wear them anyway. 17. Do you have a motto in life? Or any saying that you believe in? Meh. 18. How often do you pray? Not as often as I should /: <<< I tell myself I need to more, but for some reason I don’t.  19. Do you have any bad habits? Oh do I. 20. Do you want to change your name? If so what name do you want? No thanks. I've already been Stephanie for so long. To change my name now would just be weird. . . <<< Haha, same! 21. Do you like wearing flip flops? I never wear flip flops or any kind of sandal or open toed shoe. 22. What Math subject is your favorite? (I.e. Algebra, Statistics, Business Math, Trigonometry, Geometry, etc.) None of them, you sicko. 24. How about Science? I like psychology, which falls under the social sciences category. 25. Would you ever dye your hair? If so what color? I’ve dyed my hair numerous times. I had blonde highlights for several years, went black one year, and since 2015 I’ve been dyeing my hair red. 26. What is the funniest thing that happened to you today? Nothing so far, it’s only 5 in the morning. Only 5 in the morning, ha. I need to go to bed. 27. Do you wish during 11:11? Nope. 28. Do you know the site PostSecret.com? If you do not, check it, now! I’m familiar with it, yes. It’s been around for several years. 29. Do you have a favorite Youtuber? If so, who? And what is your favorite video by them? I have several. 30. If you have to pick JUST ONE between TV, iPod, and computer, what would you pick and why? Computer. I can do pretty much anything on my computer. <<< Yeah, that’s an easy one. I swapped iPod for iPhone and still picked computer. 31. Do you study for exams? What subject do you study the most for? I did when I was in school. I studied for all my exams. 32. What is something that you do not like? A lot of things. 33. Have you ever liked a band because of their looks? No, I like bands/artists for their music. If they’re attractive, that’s just an added bonus. 34. Do you have trust issues? It’s not really that. I just have a hard time opening up to people and expressing myself. I tend to keep a lot to myself. 35. What is the appropriate length for a survey? I like at least 25 questions, but more is better.  Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Yes. Have you ever been locked in a car with a bf/gf? No. Have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed? No. How do you know you love someone, personally? I just know. I don’t feel like getting all deep right now. Would you ditch friends to be with a bf/gf? No. I mean, unless my boyfriend really needed me in that moment or something came up. “Ditch” sounds harsh, though. I’d let them know and try to reschedule.  How many true best friends are present in your life? I just have my family, which I’m perfectly fine with. Do you currently have a significant other? No. Do your parents approve of the people you hang out with? I’m 30 years old and don’t have any friends, but they never had an issue with any of my friends. Would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate? I don’t hate anyone. If I really didn’t like someone; though, I could still be civil. I wouldn’t have to interact with them, and if I did I would be polite, but keep it short. I wouldn’t say more than I needed to. I’m sure it would be awkward, though. Even uncomfortable, depending on the situation.  Do you depend on people at all, in any way? Yes. I’ve become pretty dependent these past few years, especially. Have you ever lost a close friend? That’s life. Has anybody ever held a grudge against you for a dumb reason? Not to my knowledge. Think of your current or last bf/gf. Do you/did you love them? I did, but no, not anymore. I don’t have any bad feelings towards them, though. Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like? I’m single currently, but that didn’t happen in the past. Not to my face, anyway. Do you date different people til you find the right one, or do you wait? I’ve been single for almost 7 years.  Have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online? Yes. Do your friends like the people you date? Do their friends like you? My friends had an issue with Joseph because they didn’t like how he treated me. Do your parents let you date, or do you sneak around? I’m 30 years old. I can’t use “my parents don’t let me date” as an excuse for why I’ve been single haha.  Have you ever felt backstabbed by a close friend? Yes. Do you have any handshakes with anybody? No. Do you feel you can rely on anybody to always be there for you? Yes, my family. Have you ever regretted ignoring anybody? I’ve regretted pushing certain people away. Have you ever kissed someone in their bedroom, or in yours? No. Has a friend of yours ever confessed their love to you? Not romantically, but I had a friend who got really lovey dovey when she was drunk and would start crying and telling me she loved me lol. Have you gone out with someone, then ruined the friendship you had before? Yes. Can you trust any of your friends at full capacity? I trust my family with my life. Is the word 'love' even in your vocabulary? Yes. Who do you think is more confusing, males or females? People in general are confusing. Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? Written, yes. Can you be your complete and honest self in front of anyone? Yeah. Do you tend to hide your emotions from certain people? Yes. I also downplay a lot. Do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf? Yeah, somewhere. Do your friends know how to make you smile in tough times? I don’t have friends, but yes my family does. Do you have inside jokes with anybody? Yeah. Has anybody said they loved you, but you didn't love them back? Yes. Is there anyone you don't like that always seems to be everywhere you are? Myself. Haaa. Is there anyone you care about more than you care for yourself? My loved ones. They’re the most important thing to me. Who in your life is your number one priority to make sure they're happy? I want my loved ones to be happy. 

[shadowlineswriting]

Murakami

Title: 1Q84 Author: Haruki Murakami One-sentence synopsis: Can’t be done. I’m still not even sure what this book is about, and I already read it! Why I read it: This book has been making waves in literary circles ever since it came out last year. Prestigious American critics have called it “genius” and there’s already talk of a movie deal. It tops the bestseller list in multiple countries and terms like “Nobel Prize” have been floating around. Naturally, I had to read it. What I thought: There are times when, as a reader, you have to make a decision. I knew nothing about the book when I started hearing about it, though I heard it called a “visionary” work more than once. When I picked it up from the library, however, I was a little surprised. It’s nearly 1,000 pages. I have nothing against long books--obviously--but when books are that long, with small printing and only three sections, I hesitate. It’s been my experience that books that big are rarely worth the read (with the exception of Winter’s Tale and Cloud Atlas). They tend to be overly descriptive, repetitive, and disappointing. Dedicating what I knew would be a serious chunk of time to a book about which I knew virtually nothing did not fill me with a desire to read it.

Generally, I give a book 50 pages or 5 chapters (whichever comes first) to determine whether I will read it through to the end. If I’m not hooked within five chapters or 50 pages, then I’m not going to waste my time. There are too many good books out there waiting to be read, you know? In the case of 1Q84, though, I knew 50 pages was a little unfair. That’s a pretty narrow window to use for judging a 1,000-page story. I decided that, instead, I would give it 100 pages.

50 pages in, I was not hooked. I didn’t want to keep reading. It’s a weird book and I would say that Murakami knows nothing about women (he seems to think we’re all obsessed with boobs). I couldn’t find any kind of discernible plot and I honestly couldn’t tell you what genre the book fell into. I’m pretty stubborn, though, so I continued to 100 pages. At that point I at least had a clear understanding of the characters, so even though I had absolutely no clue how the story would come together, I was still curious. What was it about this book that people found so incredible?

Like I said, there are times when you have to make a decision. I very nearly gave up on the book, but decided...what the hell. I haven’t read a book this long in quite a while, and Murakami is a good writer. Yes, he’s overly descriptive, and yes, the book is actually very repetitive. He’s also a totally unreliable narrator (he’ll spend three pages detailing a woman’s meticulous self-care routine, including her insanely “healthy” eating habits, but on the next page we see her in a restaurant ordering deep-fried shrimp, or in her apartment making cocoa with milk topped with whipped cream).

Still, I wanted to be stunned. I wanted to finish reading the book and think about all the ways it changed my life.

Unfortunately, that did not happen. I dedicated four days to reading this book, and those are four days I will never get back. If the ending had been different I think I would’ve liked it much better, but the truth is this book felt like 1,000 pages of buildup for...nothing. No ending. It cuts off almost mid-story. There’s no resolution. I don’t believe he set it up for a sequel (at least, I hope not!) but it’s more like he just got tired of writing and thusly tried to end things in the last few pages.

I can’t say that I wish I hadn’t read this...it’s still fun to read such an involved story every once in a while...but I can absolutely say that I would never read it again.

[chellesofbooks]

House of Earth and Blood - Book Review

Title: House of Earth and Blood

Author: Sarah J Maas

Series: Crescent City #1

Genre: Fantasy Romance 

Rating: ☆☆☆☆

"𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒊𝒕, 𝑩𝒓𝒚𝒄𝒆. 𝑶𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. 𝑻𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆, 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒗𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒐𝒘. 𝑰𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔."

I want to dislike this more than I do. And believe me, I have a healthy level of criticism for this book that I could rant about for some time. But I just keep coming back to the fact that I complained over the slow pacing and the endless setup and walked away from this novel with a very distinctive world that has been built so well in my head that I can't help but give 4 stars to it. That being said, this is SLOW. If you're a fast-paced book enthusiast, you might feel like pulling out your hair for the first 170 ish pages. It often picks up and then drops back down again too. There were times when I honestly was done with how slow this book was, and the first 20 pages were so off-kilter for me I almost DNF'd it. I don't think House of Earth and Blood needs to be nearly as long as it is. This leads to my next issue, I hate the glorified drug use that happens within this book. I struggled morally to get past it. This is a me issue, as I don't enjoy books about drugs. I felt the author glamourised the substance use in this a little too much, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. Bryce wasn't a hit for me. I often hated her and didn't get the hype around her at all, especially in the earlier stages. However, she does have some moments where I feel for her and enjoy her. I didn't like the revelations for her character towards the end. It felt far too convenient, and there was a lot of her progression that was hard to separate from previous characters by this author. Hunt, in contrast, was a much better main character. Even if he felt like a carbon copy of Maas' previous leading men, I really liked him and his storyline too. I often would perk up reading his parts, and seeing him grow into someone who wanted more than what he was without the slice of pure vengeance fuelling it left me satisfied. I didn't care that their romance was a slow burn. In fact, the one intimate scene for me felt so badly placed that I was happier to move on in the storyline than linger over it. The side characters, however, are what make this book. I LOVED several of them, and their placement in this novel was perfection. They honestly are some of the reasons I continued and one of the bigger reasons I will be reading the second book in this world. I also appreciated that this book was told from several POVs, though sometimes a little choppy, it provided much-needed variation so you could get the full picture of this world. As much as the world-building was executed well, the actual storyline just felt repetitive of books I've already read by this author before. I was hoping for a little more, and the plot, whilst intriguing at times, just fell flat in several areas where it again felt like an ACOTAR moment. This especially was the case in the final parts of this book, where several instances just felt like they were versions of what Feyre experienced in the first novel of that series. The same formula of leaving everything for the final quarter of the book cheapened the journey. It was quite the disappointment because I had invested so much of my time reading this, only to experience deja vu when moments felt plucked out of one book and cast into this world with a slightly different spin on it. I come away from this novel annoyed because I wanted to like it more. Equally, for all the issues I had with it, I want to dislike it further. And I wish to not feel the need to read the second in this series, but well played Sarah J Maas, I'm interested enough to see how it goes.

[doomedandstoned]

Tripping Through the Void with SUNNATA

It's been four years since Doomed & Stoned visited SUNNATA and my how they've grown in the interim! Three successful independent releases, legendary live performances, an exponentially growing fanbase, and broad critical acclaim have shifted the spotlight on the Warsaw doomers. Long before they became the juggernaut of the heavy underground, we knew them as an exciting upstart called Satellite Beaver. This week, we give Sunnata’s latest collections of songs a thorough going over and speak with Szymon Ewertowski (guitar, vox), Adrian Gadomski (guitar), Michał Dobrzański (bass), and Robert Ruszczyk (drums) about what fuels their fire.

Heart of Storm

By Simon Howard

Polish loners Sunnata offer the melodic pilgrim a ritualistic, dark, heavy journey into the atmospheric Outlands, hypnotizing us with an eternal 48 minutes of tripping. Pineal glands will decalcify, doors of perception will be cleansed, and the listener will be enlightened.

Sunnata have been creating a musical Zenith in a blend of genres since 'Climbing the Colossus' (2014) and 'Zorya' (2016). This well-crafted album is hard to believe, in the fact that this band have only been around since 2014. Incorrect. Jump in the TARDIS of Tunes, and rewind ourselves back to 2008. Under the moniker of Satellite Beaver, they released two demos and one final EP in 2012, aptly named, The Last Bow. If the reader is not familiar with Satellite Beaver, then you have an amazing musical journey ahead of you.

Outlands by SUNNATA

'Outlands' (2018) was recorded at Monochrom Studio, mixed and mastered by Haldor Grunberg of Satanic Audio, and brilliantly saturated in the artwork by Maciej Kamuda.

I really cannot attest to what was in the Kool-Aid at Monochrom Studio, but the results are spiritually absorbed into the listener's soul. Mind expanding mantras like "Lucid Dream," "The Ascender," and the epically entrancing closing track "Hollow Kingdom" appeal to me on planes we can only experience ourselves. Outlands transitions from mellow meditational hymns to heavenly heavy riffs, blending this album into something transcendental for avid or new fans of Sunnata. This journey will be taken upon by many, and many times. Musical Mecca has been found. The void has been filled.

Soon It Will All Be Gone

A Conversation with Sunnata

Interview by Billy Goate | Photos by Justyna Kamińska

How would you characterize the evolution of sunnata from ‘Climbing the Colossus’ to ‘Zorya’ to your latest record, ‘Outlands’?

It’s been a long way. I would describe it as emotional trip from anger on our debut Climbing the Colossus, through spatial epicness and a need for air on Zorya to introverted melancholia you can dive into on Outlands. In general, we have always been the "sad guys" who were into kind of a gloomy, dark state of mind and soul and our approach towards the music evolved along with our skills of using instruments to express what we feel inside. That’s why I’d characterize our evolution as a path to greater complexity of emotions, where our debut was the simplest and our latest album the most complicated, emotion-wise.

Are there thematic motifs that the band finds attractive when writing songs? Which themes were most influential on 'Outlands’?

We definitely have become more lyrically confident since our previous album and even though we still consider the role of our lyrics as backing for the rest, I think we can finally admit that Sunnata actually has something to say! (laughs) It might not be your most positive answer ever, but our motifs on Outlands consist of loneliness, despair, the negative influence of religious fanaticism, helplessness, and development of the self and whatever conflict you have inside of you. We dig deep, reopen wounds, and push to get to the core. We prefer fighting yourself to fighting others, until you turn into none.

Are the songs on the new album connected in any way? Is this all a “Lucid Dream” that culminates in a journey into the “Outlands,” with “The Ascender” climbing some forbidden mountain of the gods? And what is the “Gordian Knot” -- an internal fight-or-flight struggle? At the end of the journey, is the prize the conquest of a “Hollow Kingdom”? So many questions!

Sure! Song order always comes last, so we have no intention in putting a story together in any way. However, this sort of lyrical consistency allows us to arrange one after another in a way that triggers certain emotions and impressions. Let’s get through the album piece by piece:

"Lucid Dream" encourages you to give, not to receive; to understand that if you separate your self-esteem from the external world and build value of self and the will to explore, you will grow as a human.

"Scars" is a story of being misled, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned on the one hand, but also a story of growing strength and power to end whatever harms you.

"Outlands" was actually inspired by some politically related events. It's all about sacrifice as a way to bring attention to an idea or social problem ignored before. Too deep to dig into it in a single interview.

"The Ascender" track is focused around any sort of radicalism giving an illusion of being permitted to force your point of view on others. We disagree with anyone’s feeling to be justified for actions that do harm. It’s an illusion that keeps you away from self.

"Gordian Knot" is exactly what you have interpreted: inner struggle -- one that can make you fall apart or disintegrate, in any way.

"Hollow Kingdom" has been chosen as climax, the ending song in praise of emptiness. Its structure, repetitive feeling, and overwhelming melancholia are the best ending of an album we could choose from this track list.

Tell us about the artwork, the artist you chose, and the layers of meaning behind this many-faced wraith?

The only constant is change to us. That’s why this time, instead of going with the magnificent Jeffrey Smith of Ascending Storm once again, we decided to go with another talented artist, Maciej Kamuda, who is also author of Weedpecker and Major Kong artwork. We felt a strong urge to do something different. Deity presented on the front cover is a variation on deep symbolism of Goddess Kali. We didn’t want her to look in a way she’s known from Hinduism. We were inspired more by deep, complex symbolism behind her various forms. If you read about her, you will instantly get it.

One consistent word that comes up in all the descriptions of your music -- live performances especially -- is “ritualistic.” Whether it is the careful setting of the stage, the lighting of the incense, or the hypnotic, trance-like rhythms of the music. What is the importance of ritual for the band and what does this bring to your compositions and performances.

Ritualism in our music comes from trance-inducing forms we create. Immersed in void and drugged with noise, we jam a lot in search of the desired emotion trigger -- we can’t name it, we just get the feeling. If we do, we proceed further. Our work routine and who we are as people actually doesn’t have much to do with dark shamanism, but everything changes once we take instruments and start playing together. It’s similar to being possessed with something. All other details you mentioned -- stage setting, light, clothes, and merch -- are secondary to this and their role is to create certain atmosphere to take people on the journey with us.

I've heard rumors of a music video in the works?

Videos are our curse. We’ve been working on them for every album, but for various reasons all these projects were abandoned. Right now, we are at the beginning of production process for video of "The Ascender" song and we really do hope that it will work out this time. I can’t tell much yet, but we would like the outcome to be something similar to our music -- '90s aesthetics in a psychedelic, doomy setting. We’ll see what time will tell.

Let’s close by giving our readers a peek at your touring plans for 2018 and beyond. What “Outlands” are you off to in the days and months ahead?

We can’t reveal many dates since they are not officially announced yet, but after the our spring tour of Scandinavia with the crazy lads of Boss Keloid, we have various festivals in the summertime confirmed and good perspectives on touring Europe with Dopethrone in October, plus an appearance at Gizzardfest in Rotherham, UK. I believe that best is yet about to come. We just need to follow our own path.

Ruling Land of Emptiness

By Shawn Gibson & Billy Goate

To understand the significance of Sunnata's musical achievements, we need at least a cursory understanding of the soil in which the band is planted. Poland's heavy music scene has been experiencing a surge of activity over the past decade or two, but its music roots are deep-seated and stretch back generations to the darkly complex oeuvre of composers like Frederic Chopin, Leopold Godowsky, Karol Szymanowski, Henryk Górecki, and so many others.

Sunnata's home base of Warsaw encompasses an impressive if turbulent history, evolving from a smattering of villages more than 1400 years ago to become one of the ten largest capital cities in Europe. Warsaw has had more than its share of doom to contend with, too, from disease and famine to regional and global wars -- including the devastating Nazi occupation, which spurred the great underground resistance movement known as the Warsaw Uprising.

Given this context, it's significant that Sunnata has adopted a name representing one of the fundamental principles of Buddhism. Śūnyatā is a transliteration of the Sanskrit word शून्यता (pronounced as "shoonyataa"), which signifies voidness. Think of it as a meditative state of "emptiness" in which the mind is devoid of desire, specifically the stubborn presence of that word we all learn by age two: mine. Śūnyatā involves the diminishing of one's ego, and the band that wears this name has dedicated the better part of a decade to exploring this philosophy through the medium of ritual heavy music.

Photo by Aleksandra Burska

"Hollow Kingdom," the closing track on Outlands, is one example of Sunnata's approach to voidness, with its droning ups and downs and subtle twists. Sunnata let this song be the pedals of a cherry blossom drifting in the breeze. Another highlight is "The Ascender" (my favorite of the record). It's the kind of vessel one imagines boarding to cross over to निर्वाण (nirvana). The backing vocals near the beginning of the song calls to mind prayers and mantras of Tibetan monks. Guitars buzz like propellers, shuttling you along to another plane of existence. The heavy psychedelic vibe and stirring chorus makes for an uplifting experience that is, one imagines, not unlike astral projection. Sunnata are your gurus fixed atop the mountain, lulling you ever closer on an ascendant journey skyward. Along the way, there's an avalanche of emotions.

One imagines the many plagues, fires, wars, and uprisings that might have influenced "Scars." The song strikes a thrash-like tempo, with jazzy cymbals and a psyched-out tambourine. Then, at the five-minute mark, all hell breaks loose with a thundering bassline, fuzzed-out guitars, and a pummeling drumbeat. Doom has come to claim its reign! Similarly, "Gordian Knot" attacks like a nest of pissed-off hornets. Still rocking hard by the two-minute mark, things lighten up for a spell as fuzzy desert riffs and reassuring chants (with those wonderful backing vocals) lull you to sanctuary. The aggressive pace returns, leading to a crescendo of screaming vox to chase every worry from your mind. Only the journey consumes you now.

Taken in sum, Outlands is an exhilarating magic carpet ride, albeit with some turbulence. Sunnata hone the powerful elements of rock and metal like master alchemists, dispensing measured doses of doom, sludge, psychedelic, and stoner, melding them seamlessly, and transcending boundaries only few conceived possible. The heavy doom passages are somehow made even heavier by this psychedelic blend, which brings one closer to a state of voidness.

High spiritual concept meets the earthy might of doom in Outlands. It is the enlightenment of the yogis, the ascension of gurus, a musical Kathmandu. I've visited the temple now multiple times over the course of weeks and months and it continues to be a cathartic experience for me. Outlands will make your heart flutter and embolden your spirit with its mesmerizing riffs and hypnotic rhythms. It will usher you down a river of feeling and bury you in a cascade of sonic desolation. The chants and mantras sent my spirit soaring heavenward. Returning to earth, I felt as if I have been everyplace in existence and at the same time perfectly still, third eye open -- mind, body, and spirit aligned. Awareness is the gift I received from this Outlands. Who knows? In listening, perhaps you will find your own Śūnyatā, as well.

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[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Down Is The New Up: Radiohead’s EP’s, Remixes, Remasters, and Live Albums

Drill (1992)

This release became the first one ever from Radiohead, which at the time of its recording were still calling themselves On a Friday. Two of the songs would be re-recorded for their debut album Pablo Honey including “Thinking About You” and “You.” The song “Stupid Car” would foreshadow a continuing theme within Thom Yorke’s lyrics about his hatred of transportation. This extended play would peak at 101 on the UK charts, while they only recently allowed streaming services access to it in 2020.

My Iron Lung (1994)

This extended play featured songs not included on their second studio album The Bends, except for “My Iron Lung.” Yorke would not describe the songs on this release as not good enough for the studio effort. “The EP was just for fans, really ... It's for Radiohead fans and we think they're good, otherwise we wouldn't have plugged them on." This also marked the first collaboration between the band and artist Stanley Donwood, as well as Nigel Godrich. The title track possessed lyrics that were in direct response to their biggest hit, “Creep.” The song was meant to symbolize their signature hit was much like an iron lung that allowed you to breathe, but constrained you at the same time. Yorke said in 1995, “People have defined our emotional range with that one song, 'Creep'. I saw reviews of 'My Iron Lung' that said it was just like 'Creep'. When you're up against things like that, it's like: 'Fuck you.' These people are never going to listen.” The sales of the EP proved that Radiohead would be something more than just a one hit wonder because they were attracting a very loyal group of fans. Critics were confused at first by the EP, but once The Bends was released the songs made a lot more sense. One review would say that My Iron Lung actually came off more like an album, rather than a group of b-sides.

No Surprises/Running from Demons (1997)

The main reason for the release of the EP was to support Radiohead's tour of Japan in 1998. The track “Meeting in the Aisle” would represent the band's first ever fully instrumental song. The song “Bishop's Robes” had lyrics that focus on the theme of cruelty that Yorke experienced while in school. He was talking about mental mind games played by both students and teachers alike, but nobody actually ever harmed the young singer physically.

Airbag/How Am I Driving? (1998)

This record collected in one compilation all of the b-sides for the 1997 album, OK Computer, as well as the track “Airbag.” The EP would debut at number 56 on the Billboard charts, which seemed rather miraculous considering that the release is only 25 minutes long. The record was also nominated for Best Alternative Performance at that year’s Grammys. The instrumental track “Meeting in the Aisle” would not be played live by the band for over 10 years until The King of Limbs tour in 2012.

Com Lag (2plus2isfive) (2003)

This work compiles all of the b-sides for the 2003 album Hail to the Thief, as well as live performances that remixed their songs from Fourtet and Cristian Vogel. The track “Paper Bag Writer” represented a direct reference to the Beatles track, “Paperback Writer.” The song “Bluebird,” which existed as an instrumental would become the band’s introduction music for the Hail to the Thief Tour. Reviews of the release were mixed, but you can always take that with a grain of salt regarding their extended plays because of the presence of the b-sides on them. Pitchfork would write, “You'd expect more from ideas that Radiohead fleshed out as a unit, but the stolen-time experiments and solo performances on this EP's tail end far outshine its exhausting first half."

TKOL RMX 1234567 (2011)

This remix album acts as the only one of its kind in the band's entire catalog. The release compiled remixes of The King of the Limbs album with electronic artists such as Jamie xx, Nathan Fake, Four Tet, Caribou, Modeselektor and SBTRKT. Drummer Philip Selway would comment that this record seemed to stand out as the best one to incorporate such a remixing project. Thom Yorke observed, “I didn’t just want floor-fillers and all that shit, I just wanted to see how the songs could really branch out and mutate." Reviews of the album were mixed as some critics saw it as an interesting take on Radiohead, while others thought it sounded a bit repetitive and redundant. The Guardian would write that the entire venture seemed a bit pointless to have Fourtet or Caribou remix tracks that were intended to sound like them in the first place.

OK Computer OKNOTOK 1997 2017 (2017)

To celebrate the 20th anniversary of OK Computer, Radiohead reissued it with this remastered version that also included besides and three unreleased tracks, "I Promise", "Man of War", and "Lift". This release represented the first reissue authorized by the band because other ones had come from EMI without their consent. In 2016, their new label XL recordings purchased the band’s back catalog from the group’s former label. The album debuted at number two on the UK Album Charts and number 23 on the US charts. The record would be dedicated to Tom Yorke’s longtime partner Rachel Owen, who had recently passed away from cancer.

MiniDiscs [Hacked] (2019)

This album serves as a compilation of 16 hours of demos, outtakes, rehearsals, and live shows of the band during the recording of OK Computer. The recordings were actual minidiscs that belonged to lead singer Thom Yorke. Some of the tracks had been previously released as part of the reissue in 2017. In June 2019, an online user name Zimbra leaked the tracks online. The user claimed to have fairly received the recordings through a trade for some Beatles tracks, but Ed O’Brien thought that they had actually been stolen through their cloud archive online. Originally, Zimbra had wanted $150,000 for the recordings. There were conflicting stories as to who he wanted to pay that sum. According to Pitchfork, he was not trying to get money from the band, but only from fans. As the band received news of the leak, they posted them on Bandcamp for 18 days to stream or buy. Any money made from it went to the environmental nonprofit, Extinction Rebellion. Thom Yorke said this about the release. “As it's out there it may as well be out there until we all get bored and move on.” Jonny Greenwood would comment that people would find it only “tangentially interesting.” Many critics agreed with his assessment as they felt that MiniDiscs would only be of interest to the most diehard of Radiohead fans. The Guardian had this to say about the release. “[It shows] the inner workings of what is regarded by many as the greatest album of the 1990’s, showing how they walked alongside and then turned away from the brash Britpop that surrounded them."

I Might Be Wrong: Live Recordings (2001)

This live compilation was taken from the Amnesiac tour in 2001. The songs on it have been mostly taken from both Kid A and Amnesiac. The one exception emerges in “True Love Waits,” which had not appeared on any studio album until A Moon Shaped Pool in 2016. Critics mostly liked the album, but their main complaint across the board was the fact that the album at 40 minutes long seemed much too short. The AV Club would refer to it as “inexplicable brevity.” Andrew Lynch of entertainment.IE was much more complimentary. “Unlike most live albums, this one captures some of the excitement of actually being there and gives Radiohead back the human dimension they've recently been in danger of losing."

[lurkinmerkin]

So I’m doing some math (I’m terrible at it) but nonetheless, I did some thinking and then some subtraction and realized that it was in about 1998 that my family got a computer with Microsoft Windows installed along with a dial-up internet connection. And so this is technically my 20th anniversary of reading fanfic and being a part of internet fandom. I figured I should celebrate it a bit. 

I don’t remember the exact date or time or whatever, I can barely add or subtract, so June seems like a good in the middle of the year kind of time to recollect and think about what I’ve been doing with my life. Think about why I read so much, why I reblog things, why I am the way I am. 

This ask meme was written by @mabel-but-slytherin​ and I decided, I’ll just answer the whole damn thing. I’m sure absolutely no one is interested in this info but I don’t give a fuck. 20 goddamn years of my life in fandom, do you seriously think I give a fuck anymore? I don’t care about you or your eyes. I officially left the give a fuck building a long ass time ago.

If you have seen a fandom ask meme about being a lurker (which I was for a good ten years) or about reading fanfic instead of just writing fanfic, send it my way and I’ll answer it too. I have stories.

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

It was Thursday Night Routine and it’s readable but I find it a bit repetitive and out of character. Although, with Glee, how was I supposed to know who these people would become, lol. ;A;

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?

My most recent was Vesper Lynde for the Spy fandom and I think I’ve grown as a writer but my characterization is still clumsy and my comedy isn’t as sharp. I think I was funnier before. I also have issues getting to the sex scene that I never had before. It drives me batty.

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

The thoroughly depressing and out of nowhere for me fic, Ozma. That night was a eureka moment, it was bliss writing that fic. It flowed. I probably got the closest to american gothic and poetry with that fic--which is my usual goal when I do creative writing off the internet. 

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic?

So much of what I wrote was done anonymously before AO3 and Tumblr so it’s hard for me to say but I’m gonna guess Everybody’s Pickin’ Up on that Feline Beat because the cat!boi thing really slapped. Like people loooooved the cat!boi thing in 2010. 

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

Third is the One With the Treasure Chest. It has some issues but I still can’t believe I wrote it, like that was my third fanfic ever and it was a muppet babies’ orgy. I have no idea how I did it, :D

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

Not really? I’m not embarrassed by what I write (I can’t be, I write weird shit), but I don’t necessarily want people to come up to me in real life and start describing my fic to me. Like I don’t want my realities to intersect. That’s what I’m really sure would embarrass me. 

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

I’m not gonna finish it, like it’s not happening, but I kind of wish I had finished Look What You Made Me Do. I still noodle a about Sarah Plain and Tall Klaine story. I did a lot of research into Gilded era hair and fashions.

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

Probably the epically awful and creepy Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make me a Match where Sandy and Karofsky kidnap and assault Kurt. I was fascinated by how absolutely horrific Sandy Ryerson was as a character. He’s the worst. I’m not doing a sequel though. I’m not.

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material?

Read? Yes. Written? No. I don’t think I’m the best at characterization but I do feel a need for a basic grasp on it before I start writing anything. 

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

I wrote Vesper Lynde before I read any of the fic which was probably a good thing because there are some really good fics out there that already cover the subject I did (and did it better). But I’m glad I wrote it anyway because I have so many feelings about Rayna and Susan.

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting?

I honestly don’t know so I’m going to say no. I have seen these stories after I wrote what I wrote and have thought, Oh I should have done that or why didn’t I think of that?, but I have never seen a fic beforehand and thought that I could do it better or different enough. I wrote fic in order to fill a gap of weird skullfuckery that was missing before I showed up. 

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

Yes. It was bad, I wrote myself into a corner and had no interest in fixing it. The writing felt dull and flat. If I post an unfinished work, I do it because I think the writing has merit. 

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

I write more original work now, I write poetry mostly nowadays. And fanfic I do write has been smaller vignette pieces, has had way less sex in it and minimal wacky shenanigans. I kind of want to go back to wacky shenanigans honestly.

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

I’m riding a girl swing this year so I’m way more interested in stories that involve cunnilingus and strap-ons, boob devotionals and short fingernails. I sort of got into that in the middle of my Glee career (the Golden Age) before swinging back to boys and their balls (the Modern Age). In this new Age, I’m back to ladies. 

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular?

I think I tried to do that once but then I failed because my niche is being an off-beat weird motherfucker, not popular. I thought that I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman would go awf but instead it fizzled. So I stuck with dickpunching.

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention?

No. I didn’t really get a lot of attention outside my circle anyway.

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic?

I guess the Cat!Kurt fic? I think it’s a good story, I just think that I wrote some that were better.

18. What’s your most underrated fic?

And if the world runs out of lovers, my Blaine/Finn fic. I had a lot of fun with that one and I think I got some really funny lines in. 

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?

I would say, They’re Both Just Full of Feelings, OK? which is a story were Puck and Mercedes get very drunk, complain about their homosexual tendencies and then motorboat each others tiddies. I feel like that about covers the gist of my aesthetic.

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down?

I am doing a slow ass sloow rewrite of As Needed, just some clean up of tense issues and little nudges here and there of some of the wording. And I will take down the original when I do that. It needs better grammar, it does.

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs?

Yes. I love spying and I love other people’s bookmarks. I keep mine private because I’m a hypocrite and I don’t know how to make them public en masse. I am not doing that individually.

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

No, but I freak out at every follow/favorite/review regardless. There are people who I love love love but they aren’t in the fandoms I write in so I never expect to have an insane fangirl moment like that.

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

When I wrote Ozma, someone on the kinkmeme said that it read like a contemporary short story and I was flattered!

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

Gosh, that’s tough. I’m gonna go with criticisms that question your intent? Like when someone goes, “Did you mean to say this or that?” but not because it makes me feel bad but more because it makes me feel like I didn’t get my point across clearly enough that the reader could make their own conclusions about what was happening. I am very much of the author is dead style and part of that is leaving enough there to satisfy the reader without giving it all away.

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

My humor. I like it when people find me funny. I don’t feel like my humor makes sense a lot of the time. Also, when people say that they re-read my stories. That’s always a heart warmer.

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick?

I prefer single-fandom fics as a writer. Crossovers get messy for me, too many locations to choose from.

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick?

Schitt’s Creek. David/Patrick 4eva!

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy?

Absolutely not, LMAO! I have done way more reading than writing in any fandom. My participation is a pebble on a mountainside.

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

I wrote Glee fic (and I am still working on As Needed) after I had moved on from the show but a lot of us did. My attention span allows me to multifandom.

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

Susan Cooper. She’s an enigma.

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying?

Puck, I feel like I wrote a very solid Puck.

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

I would guess Brittany but I don’t think the quality holds up. I liked writing Brittany but I don’t think I captured her essence.

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

I get a lot of requests for a sequel to Sex Bomb even to this day and it surprises me.

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to?

No, I was ready to write anyone with anyone in any fic. I love it.

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic?

Don’t support? Well, I don’t support Kurt/Karofsky but I write non-con fic so...

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic?

I would only in an in-character sense, like the character would be against that pairing because of the show dramatics. At least, that was always my intent.

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why?

Because that’s how the glee_anon meme worked sometimes LOL. Sometimes, you gotta have the anal worm lay the eggs.

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership?

Not anymore lol, if I ever did. I don’t write enough.

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content?

I peaked with the Muppet Babies’ orgy, that was my third fic. Everything else was gravy.

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

I want all my fics on AO3 largely because I think livejournal is gonna die soon and tumblr is unsearchable and lacks a forum function. 

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten?

(Based on AO3): Ozma at 28672 Hits

43. Your least popular?

(Based on AO3): There’s a Lobster Involved at 38 Hits

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?

Oh gosh, I never thought of it that way but I hope I at least kudos more than I’ve received! I don’t have that many bookmarks and I don’t review and I rarely comment (I’m more like to DM you) but I do leave kudos a lot.

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself?

With my original works: poetry. With my fanfic works: absurdism

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?

Yeah, I think I covered a wide range of topics and styles along with a lot of different characters. I had humor, drama, horror, angst, slice of life, porn, I covered a lot of ground.

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

NO.

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too?

Yes, they know and they were also Glee fans but not necessarily fanfic readers. Just how much they know will remain a mystery between us because they won’t tell me and I won’t ask them to tell me. I don’t need that knowledge and I don’t want it.

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it?

NOT THAT I KNOW OF AND I DON’T WANT THEM TO TELL ME IF THEY DID. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

I have an absolutely incredible circle of friends that I would not have had without fandom. So many people that I know out of fandom don’t spend as much time on the internet, they aren’t as easy to reach as my internet friends. You guys give me your time and your energy and that means so much to me. It really does. 

I wouldn’t say my time in fandom has been 100% positive. There are always downfalls to being in a large group. I have had my moments of internet drama, on anon trolling, and bad feelings. But my friends make it all worth it. You guys are the best.