#silly wizard job

[amrv-5]

dashing off blog post on break between readings, not sure if coherent or even making a point so much as expressing a vague but recurrent disappointment as a late night looks like it's going to become an early morning... cw for pejorative mention of food/eating habits in relation to film portrayal, and a discussion of film portrayal of sexual violence post the cut:

Watched Sedmikrásky (Daisies) (1966) for a class today and personally found it funny, really wonderful, playful, confrontational and brilliant... had an incredible time watching it, deeply moved, found a greater appreciation for the experimental techniques it used... we've not had many female directors in this course series, and the few New Wave women we're getting have been such a personal revelation for me as a film watcher. Got excited to talk about the movie post-screening with my (male. all male) program friends (basically no female graduate students in the optional portion of the history series) but of course the first things these guys do immediately post-screening is trash the film, and not on formal grounds... Just complained about how "disgusting" and "offputting" the movie was, how it made one guy "not want to eat for the rest of the day" and "feel nauseated" and "wish he could have slept through more of it."

And what's so disgusting that a group of cis dudes who regularly watch sexploitation films and other grindhouse fare couldn't bear to watch it? Fucking. Movie where 2 conventionally attractive women: eat frequently and with a focus on enjoying food without performing delicateness for men (one woman boldly states 'I love food! I love eating!' and laughs at the disgust of the older man she and her friend are scamming for free dinner), including having a food fight; laugh and lean into physicality / bodily play (moving in funny ways for their own amusement, dancing, overapplying makeup, making unflattering faces, remapping their bodies in an extended joke sequence w/scissors; satirize stereotypes of women and expectations of behavior in patriarchal society. Etc.

Man! Point of all this being how frustrating it is to continually run up against unexamined misogyny again and again even in spaces that are supposed to be self-critical of these things. Literally what was so unbearably disgusting and threatening about watching a pretty lady on the movie screen say "I like eating cake" and then eating cake and having a food fight. How are you as a film academic more disgusted by playful feminist challenges (FROM NINETEEN FUCKING SIXTY SIX) to expectations of women's behavior than watching Bad Girls Go to Hell. Not saying that to be like There Is A Genre Of Film Which Is Morally Bad I've found thinking about some grindhouse stuff interesting/generative/whatever just it feels fucking nuts to me that a person would be comfortable sitting through scenes of explicit portrayed sexual violence against women and then go "ewww icky they had a lot of scenes where they were eating" and not see that you have a fundamental problem with misogyny in your worldview.

WAUGH! But the real problem now being is that these men are my friends, people I spend a lot of time with and thought very well of and do genuinely believe to be really decent, and even these guys who I trust and like had such a fundamentally awful response to the bare minimum of disrupting the idea that Maybe Women Aren't Just For You To Enjoy Looking At...?

I cannot overemphasize how fucking completely tame the "disgusting" parts of this movie are. This is the 'worst' scene in the whole film by these guys' criteria, and it's literally just 2 women eating cake and throwing it at each other and laughing and then doing a dance on a table.

Well anyway. IDK ! Not sure how to or if I even should try to bring it up again. I don't want to be responsible for being the Feminist to grown male colleagues who should know better but at the same time I was so offput by their reactions to the movie I almost feel like I can't let it go without at least gently asking at a later date if the dudes can elaborate on their "disgust" -- they made it explicitly clear it was about the eating, though, already, which seems like a lost cause. It's just women eating. Grow up. You'll live.

[salmonella-destroyer-of-worlds]

[mossylocks-magic]

that's the third arbitrary duel he's pulled them out of today alone

[sillylittledudestuff]

the levels of flusterness — nerdy wizard edition

[mini-minish]

i am an essek high int low wis believer

[recallback-art]

I loved SoL, so naturally, I did have to also play West of Loathing. It feels very different and I never quite clicked on my first two runs, but I finally got attached to a character on my third run! He's part boy part cow and the strongest motherfucker this side of Dirtwater.

Bonus doodles of my other two runs. Isaac was just me figuring the game out so wasn't much, and Kai was fully a murder hobo run because the game lets you get truly ruthless. Being evil is fun.

[rexscanonwife]

I started a new job today at a cute little coffee place, and this is my first barista job so here's what I've learned so far: making coffee is the same as making potions

[iamthedukeofurl]

Scott Pilgrim is, I think, the best example I can think of for establishing a setting's Nonsense Limit. The setting's Nonsense Limit isn't quite "How high-fantasy is this". It's mostly a question of presentation, to what degree does the audience feel that they know the rules the world operates by, such that they are primed to accept a random new element being introduced. A setting with a Nonsense Limit of 0 is, like, an everyday story. Something larger than life, but theoretically taking place in our world, like your standard spy thriller action movie has a limit of 1. Some sort of hidden world urban fantasy with wizards and stuff operating in secret has a nonsense limit around 3 or 4. A Superhero setting, presenting an alternate version of our world, is a 5 or 6. High fantasy comes in around a 7 or so, "Oh yeah, Wizards exist and they can do crazy stuff" is pretty commonly accepted. Scott Pilgrim comes in at a 10. If you read the Scott Pilgrim book, it starts off looking like a purely mundane slice of life. The first hint at the fantastical is Ramona appearing repeatedly in Scott's Dreams, and then later showing up in real life. When we finally get an explanation, it's this:

Apparently Subspace Highways are a thing? And they go through people's heads? And Ramona treats this like it's obscure, but not secret knowledge. Ramona doesn't think she's doing anything weird here. At this point, it's not clear if Scott is accepting Ramona's explanation or not, things kind of move on as mundane as ever until their Date, when Ramona takes Scott through subspace, and he doesn't act like his world was just blown open or anything, although I guess that could have been a metaphor. there's a couple other moments, but everything with Ramona could be a metaphor, or Scott not recognizing what's going on. Maybe Ramona is uniquely fantastical in this otherwise normal world. And then, this happens

Suddenly, a fantastical element (A shitty local indie band finishing their set with a song that knocks out most of the audience) is introduced unrelated to Ramona, and undeniably literal. We see the crowd knocked out by Crash and The Boys. but the story doesn't linger on the implications of that, the whole point of that sequence is to raise the Nonsense Level, such that you accept it when This happens

Matthew Patel comes flying down onto the stage, Scott, who until this point is presented as a terrible person and a loser, but otherwise is extremely ordinary, proceeds to flawlessly block and counter him before doing a 64-hit air juggle combo. Scott's friends treat this like Scott is showing off a mildly interesting party trick, like being really good at darts. The establish that Scott is the "Best Fighter in the Province", not only are street-fighter battles a thing, Scott is Very Good at it, but they're so unimportant that being the best fighter in the province doesn't make Scott NOT a loser. So when Matthew Patel shows off his magic powers and then explodes into a pile of coins, we've established "Oh, this is how silly the setting gets". It's not about establishing the RULES of the setting so much as it is about establishing a lack of rules. Scott's skill at street-fighter battles doesn't translate to any sort of social prestige. Ramona can access Subspace Highways and she uses it to do a basic delivery job. It doesn't make sense and it's clear that it's not supposed to. So later on, when Todd Ingram starts throwing around telekinesis, and the explanation we're given is "He's a Vegan" , you're already so primed by the mixture of weirdness and mundanity that rather than trying to incorporate this new knowledge into any sort of coherent setting ruleset, you just go "Ah, yeah, Vegans".

[mindflayerinabathrobe]

Quartz

Someone who’s good at computer science please explain why it hurts

[amrv-5]

Kittler, Friedrich A. "Introduction." Gramophone, Film, Typewriter. Trans. Geoffrey Winthrop-Young and Michael Wutz. 1999.

[salmonella-destroyer-of-worlds]

This is why I stopped doing the night shift 

[ace-turned-confused]

seashells & sandcastles | dbf!joel miller x f!reader

joel masterlist

summary: weekend break in full swing, you spend the day “relaxing” with joel word count: 5,3k warnings: 18+ only, reader is able-bodied / wears a bikini & a dress / can swim, Joel picks up & carries reader but Joel = huge big strong man so he can carry anyone (fight me if you disagree), pet names, unspecified age gap, food & alcohol consumption, parents getting tipsy, smut, super duper explicit grinding (?), public fingering, unprotected p in v, come eating, creampie, dirty talk, spanking, pussy pronouns huzzah!, praise kink, size kink a/n: so........... sea spray was just a silly little oneshot that now has over 1k notes which is actually insane????? actually cried about that btw but anyways i cannot thank everyone enough for all the kind words 🥹 this follows on from where we left off, but could be read on its own :) big thanks to @morallyinept for helping me with some of the warnings 💗 idk how some of this got in here guys i swear and special thanks to my bestie for calling me a wizard and always screaming with me, love you so much 🕺🏻 not beta'd, have fun 😇

Drifting in and out of sleep just as the sun starts filtering through the curtains, the distant sound of rolling waves and the rich smell of the sea air floats through the window. In the back of your mind, you register the sturdy frame behind you, the arm draped over your waist, the heft pressed against your ass. With the sheet bundled up in your arms and barely covering you, the air in the room is stifling, even with the fan blowing — only you can’t blame the summer temperatures for the heat crawling under your bare skin and settling between your legs.

By the time you wake completely, the arm over you is held tight and the heft against you is hot and hard, poking into you. Your memory comes back to you and that's when you realise — you’ve slept with Joel Miller. You know, dad’s best friend Joel Miller. You’re not sure what good will come from this, but he’s still in your bed the morning after, so that must be a plus — right?

With steady breaths being puffed against your neck, you shift around and slowly grind yourself back into him, your eyes fluttering closed and quiet whimpers falling from your lips. His arm around you tightens even further, pulling you into him and he starts rutting against you, still sound asleep. Reaching between your legs, you drag your fingers through your folds, the inside of your thighs slippery and wet as you rub them together.

You reach behind your back and feel for him. You were rendered speechless seeing the size of him last night, air taken from your lungs at how impossibly full you were and he feels just the same now as you touch him for the first time — a fair gap between your fingers and thumb as you try to wrap your hand around his girth, beads of precome starting to pearl as you brush your thumb over his tip.

Joel keeps mindlessly grinding himself against you as you take a finger to your clit, drawing in tight, steady circles. You push yourself into him more forcefully, soft moans gradually getting louder. You could just finish the job yourself, but why do that when you could have Joel do it instead.

“Joel?” It comes out breathy, your voice still raspy from sleep. He doesn’t respond, and you pull your hand from between your legs to grip his hip behind you. You shake him as best you can, fingers digging into his skin and he murmurs.

“Joel.” Twisting your torso to look at him, you drag your hand up his side to shake him more vigorously — his eyes finally flit open and he grumbles a good morning.

“Need you, Joel.”

“Already got me, ‘m right here.”

He grinds himself into you one more time and pushes your leg up and away from him, revealing your glistening cunt to his eyes. He drags his fingers through you, coating his fingers before taking his cock in his hand, stroking your slick up and down his length.

“Barely woken up and you’re already all needy, huh? S’what happens when you get fucked real good.”

Guiding you with a hand on your hip, he pulls you back to press his cock against you, slipping himself between your folds. He moves your leg back into place, holding himself in the wet heat between your thighs and starts thrusting, the fat head of him just catching on your entrance but never pushing in. You gasp and clench around nothing, feeling painfully empty.

“You’re gonna come just like this.”

“Joel-“ 

“Don’t wanna hear any complaints. You be good and come for me like this, then maybe I’ll give you what you want and fuck you nice ‘n hard later. Understand?”

You whine back at him, eyes falling closed and he snakes a hand around you, holding two fingers on your clit and he stops moving.

“Understand?”

“Yes, yes I understand.” You nod frantically and he resumes his movements, fingers swirling round and round, cock dragging against you.

Just before you start unravelling, a loud knock sounds from your door and Joel slows his hips to an agonising pace.

“Hey kiddo, you up?” Your dad’s voice is muffled and you see the door handle start to turn.

“DON’T-“ You’re shouting back at him before you can even think. “I’m getting dressed, Dad! I’m, uh… I’m up.”

You pray your voice comes across more steady through the door than it sounded to your own ears. It was bad enough that you were nearly caught palming the bulge in Joel’s shorts the night before, but this…

The handle snaps back up and you glance around with a sigh of relief, really taking the two of you in for the first time this morning: bodies moulded to one another, damp and sticky with sweat, Joel’s throbbing cock sliding along your cunt, fingers pressed firmly into your clit, your thighs a mess of precome and slick that’s been dripping out of you since before you even woke up.

Tightening your jaw and breathing hard through your nose, you knock your head back into Joel’s to hold back a moan as you clench down again.

“Your mom and I are heading out, you wanna come?”

Joel actually snorts at that and you whip your head around to glare at him, his eyes dark and a sly smirk on his face.

“Um, no, thanks. I’ll stay here.”

“Okay, see you later. Looks like Joel must’ve headed out for a walk, will you let him know we’ve gone when you see him?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Alright, you have fun.”

His footsteps fade off, the front door closing with a click and Joel takes your jaw in his hand, pulling you to look at him. You can smell yourself on his fingers, and feel him leaving cold, wet fingerprints on your cheeks.

“You having fun?” Joel punches forward more forcefully this time, the tip of his cock knocking into your clit. Your mouth falls open at the feeling, nodding your head as best you can.

“Asked you a question,” he whispers to you, squeezing his fingers into you.

“Yes, Joel.” You smile elatedly and he huffs a laugh at you.

“You wanna come for me?”

“Oh, please, yes please.”

Letting go of your jaw, he presses his fingers into your clit again, gliding between your folds at a steady pace. What was sea air has been replaced with the smell of Joel and sex, his thick fingers and heavy cock and deep, gravelly voice are hurtling you to your end in record time.

“Never felt a pussy as drenched as this one. Bet I could slip right in her like it’s nothing.”

You’re still twisted around to watch him, and he pulls back to watch where he disappears into you, over and over again.

“Feels like heaven, baby. Looks like it too, fuck me.”

He snaps his hips into you repeatedly, taking your hand in his and replacing his fingers on your clit with your own, flicking them over the swollen bud.

“Come on sweetheart. Soon as you come I’m going right with you.”

And you do — thighs tightening around him and hips jerking, a high-pitched whine coming from the back of your throat. He holds your hand in place and comes after a few more thrusts, spilling into the tight space between your legs. You feel it pool between your folds, seeping down your thighs and he forces your fingers apart, coating your hand in his spend.

Lifting your hand to your face, he shoves both your own and his fingers into your mouth.

“I got to taste you, now you get to taste me.”

If you weren’t still trembling with aftershocks you might’ve come again from the sheer depravity of it all.

Joel pulls his hand from your mouth and turns you to face him, pressing his lips to yours in a sloppy exchange of tongues and spit and his come.

“You okay?” Breaking away from you, he tugs the sheet up to wipe your mouth, followed by his own.

“Am I okay? Jesus, Joel.” You laugh and burrow your face into the pillow, completely fucked out and you haven’t even had breakfast.

He cradles the back of your head, planting a gentle kiss on your temple and you can feel him smiling into you.

“Go shower, we’re heading for the beach today, remember? Plus, your dad said to have fun, and I’m gonna make sure you do.”

He traces a hand down your body, pushing himself off the bed and stretching with a groan. You could easily drift off to sleep again, but spending the day alone with Joel, free from your parents? That’s better than any dream you could have.

-

Joel can’t remember the last time he had a break like this — summer sun, bottomless drinks, the serenity of the sea. It’s off-season and the beach isn’t too crowded. Lounging back in his fold-out chair, he watches — a father and son excavating trenches and building up sandy defence walls, a little girl carving patterns with the end of her spade, an elderly couple strolling hand in hand just where the water breaks, seagulls nip at each other over old sandwich crusts, and a handful of surfers are far out in the waves.

With the sea ahead of him and the mountains behind, he could easily get used to this: friendly faces, quiet chatter, and hearty laughter all around; peace and stillness as far as the eye can see — and then there’s you.

You haven’t sat down for longer than five minutes the whole time. Zig-zagging along where the water washes over your feet, you crouch down every few steps to dig around in the sand, collecting an array of shells, pebbles, and glass smoothed by the everlasting waves. You’ve already been back twice to empty your shorts pockets, only to venture out again to continue your search. Every so often you look back at him to flash a smile, hand in the sky to shield yourself from the sun.

On your third trip back to unload your findings you stand, hands on your hips to inspect your haul.

“What you gonna do with all this?” He asks as you finish scattering everything out on your towel.

“Dunno, I just like picking them up.” You take a pebble in hand, smoothing your fingers over its surface.

“And how you gettin’ it all home?”

You lift your head to look at him, perching your sunglasses on your head and squinting in the sun.

“Don’t your shorts have pockets too?” You grin and he shakes his head, turning his attention to his unopened book.

“You brought a book?” Your voice is laced with disbelief, and he draws his eyes back to you again.

“Didn’t come here just to drool over you all day, believe it or not.”

“I’m sure you could multitask. Come on, you’re seriously not gonna swim or anything?”

“And who’s gonna guard these ancient artifacts of yours? I’m sure there’s some real rare finds here, sweetheart.” He raises his eyebrows as he leans over to look at everything.

“‘Ancient artifacts’ my ass, it’s a heap of fucking rocks and glass Joel, come on.” You hold your hand out in waiting, scoffing when he doesn’t move to get up.

“Fine, if you’re not gonna come with me then at least put more sunscreen on my back.” You pull your shorts down, rounding the towel to stop before him.

As he starts to stand up, you drop down to your knees, eyes locked on his and a cheeky grin spreads across your face as you sink into the sand, head levelled perfectly with his crotch. You lean to the side, a hand planted on his covered thigh to steady yourself while you rummage through your bags, and all moral thoughts flee his mind.

“You’re real trouble, sweetheart.” You ignore his comment and stand, handing him the bottle and turning your back to him.

He starts below the nape of your neck and you jerk forward, muscles in your back tensing briefly from the stark cold sensation. Palms massaging between your shoulder blades, you soon relax and lean into his touch and he lifts each strap of your bikini top, letting them snap back against your skin once the area is covered.

Moving further down your back, he pushes his hands under the band of your bikini top, curling them around your body until his fingers brush against the supple skin of the sides of your breasts, your breath catching just so.

Leaning in close behind you, he lowers his voice right into your ear, “You just wanted my hands on you.”

He smirks to himself and withdraws his hands, dragging his palms down your sides and sneaking his fingers under your waistband, squeezing your soft, unsunned skin. Part of him wishes you were somewhere secluded, where he could just take them right off, but working you up and fogging your mind is far more rewarding.

Glancing around, the few other people on the beach are well occupied — he grips your hip with one hand and twists the other around to your front, dipping down to cup you entirely.

“Joel…” You say in warning, but he knows it’s an empty threat.

“What, you can tease me but I can’t do the same? Seems a little unfair, sweetheart.”

He applies pressure on your clit with the heel of his palm and you try angling your hips, chasing any relief you can find. Curling his fingers into your heat, he confirms his suspicions. 

“Thought this morning you were just bein’ needy, but this pussy’s always drooling for me, isn’t she?”

You whine at that, already sounding desperate and you push your head back against his chest.

“Please, Joel.”

“Please what? What you want, baby?”

“Want you.”

“Wrong answer.” He keeps his hand steady between your legs, fingers just prodding at your entrance and you try to press your thighs together. “Tell me what you want.”

“I…” Your voice trails off to near silence before you can get the words out, and you turn your head to the side, trying to burrow yourself into him.

“Don’t waste my time, sweetheart. Either tell me, or you’re gettin’ nothing at all.”

“Want your fingers. Please Joel, wanna come on your fingers.”

“Good girl, that wasn't so hard.”

Finally pushing two fingers into you, you’re already pulsing around him. Your mouth hangs open, a strained moan slipping out.

“Only doing this if you keep quiet, or this whole beach is gonna know I’m knuckle deep in this tight cunt.”

You whine again but close your mouth and nod. It seems you really are trying your best to be good — either that or you’re so desperate you’ll do anything. Joel keeps watch of your surroundings, knowing you won’t keep your eyes open — or stay alert — long enough to do it yourself.

Pumping his fingers in and out, in and out, you’re sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, hands gripping his arms to keep yourself upright, small whimpers sounding from the back of your throat. He can feel how close you are, walls fluttering around him, but you’re tense, maybe unable to let go in fear of being caught.

He’s a fast learner, though, and already knows that his words alone are enough to give you that final push.

“Nobody’s gonna see you, sweetheart, been keepin’ watch the whole time. You been such a good girl for me, keepin’ so quiet.”

You clench around him more forcefully — he knows he’s heading in the right direction and curls his fingers into you, pressing that same delicious spot he found so easily the night before.

“That feel good? Know my fingers are so much bigger than your own. Bet it’s not as nice as my cock, though, huh? Had you completely stretched out, took me so well.”

Your chest is heaving as you hold yourself back, thighs trembling and he knows you’re impossibly close.

“You’ve been so good for me, ‘m gonna fill you up again tonight — I’m gonna fuck ya nice ‘n hard, just like I promised. You can be as loud as you want, wanna hear all the pretty noises you can make.”

That does it. Nails digging into his skin, you cross your knees and squeeze your thighs tightly, face screwed up as you come around him and soak your bottoms. He keeps whispering praises to you, pulling his sticky fingers from you when you still and lean your weight against him. Wrapping his arms around you, he holds you upright until you’re ready to stand by yourself.

When he notices you’re sound of mind again, he turns you in his arms, hands resting on your waist.

“How ‘bout that swim you wanted?”

You huff through your nose, a small smile on your face as you throw your head forward, knocking into his chest. He bends his knees as he tightens his grip on you, lifting you up and practically throwing you over his shoulder. You shriek with laughter, your fists landing in playful punches on his back and feet kicking in the air as he marches towards the water.

Placing you down on your feet again, he doesn’t give you time to scold him and seals his mouth to yours, one hand pulling you into him by the small of your back, the other cradling your cheek. For the first time, he notices how the softness of your skin elsewhere carries over into your lips, and you hang your arms over his shoulders, fingers threading gently through his curls. Considering all the time he’s spent with you has been frankly pornographic, this kiss in contrast is surprisingly pure.

Pulling back from you, your eyes are warm as you stare up at him. Taking a hand in his, he laces your fingers together and starts walking, pulling you into the gentle waves.

-

After your… escapades on the beach, you and Joel spent the afternoon winding your way through town — perusing all the tucked-away shops filled with antiques and random nick-nacks, stopping for ice cream, Joel taking your photo for you to send to friends. You insisted on taking one of him too, promising you’d be the only one to see it.

He’s been casually handsy since you left the beach — crossing the street hand in hand, guiding you by the small of your back, that same hand drifting down to rest on your backside.

A few repulsed glances were shot in your direction whenever he had his hands on you for too long, and rather than back off, he only made it more obvious — pulling your body into his, his hands groping the nearest stretch of skin, a kiss lasting far too long to be publicly decent. With a constant smirk on his face, you reckon he was rather proud of himself for getting you flustered and pissing off the townsfolk even further.

It’s almost disconcerting how easy things are. You’re not used to feeling so laid back, not worrying about making a fool of yourself, not caring about the looks you’ve been getting. 

You’re making your way down a quiet side street when Joel’s phone rings from his pocket.

“Hello?”

He shifts his weight to one leg, a hand on his hip with his lax knee popping out to the side.

“Yeah, we’re just walking through town.” He looks at you, mischief in his eyes as the corner of his mouth lifts in a skew smile.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. We’ll see you soon.”

Joel says his goodbyes, dropping his phone back into his pocket. Taking his place by your side again, he drapes an arm around your shoulders as you resume your journey.

“So?” You look up at him, face framed beautifully by the late afternoon sun — skin glowing, curls tousled by the salty air, eyes crinkling at the corners as he turns to look down at you.

“Was your dad — he just wanted to know where we were.” His grin only spreads wider as you make your way down the street. “He told me I didn’t have to do all this, that you’re a big girl who doesn’t need to be taken care of. Said I should take some time for myself, relax a little.”

You realise then that, much to your annoyance, your dad does have a point — Joel hasn’t relaxed at all, he’s spent almost every hour together with you. Not to mention he’s barely seen your dad, the man who invited him to begin with.

“Oh… I mean, he is right. I’m sure you came here for a nice break, and you haven’t actually had a moment on your own.”

“Sweetheart, this is the most relaxed I’ve been in years, thanks to you.” He plants a kiss to the top of your head and you feel warm at his words.

“I just thought it’s funny what your old man said about you — that’s the one thing you do need, right baby? Just need someone to take care of ya.”

You’re scared to admit it, but Joel really has taken care of you — in more ways than one. You decide not to fret about what’ll happen after this weekend — you can still enjoy the rest of your time here and whatever Joel has in store for after dark.

-

Upon arriving home, your dad had asked what you and Joel got up to — Joel stayed tight-lipped and you managed to keep your voice level as you recounted the day’s happenings, minus the obscenities. Your dad mentioned that he and your mom had also gone into town, curious that they didn’t bump into you — you’d brushed it off as just missing each other, and thank God for that.

With all the concerned looks you’d received throughout the afternoon, it never crossed your mind that they could’ve come from your own parents, too. You’ve had two close calls now and your luck is bound to run out at some point. You cringe at the thought of your dad finding out about this whole situation — his best friend sleeping with his daughter, his daughter sleeping with his best friend. You’re not sure which version would horrify him more.

You gave him a tight smile in an attempt to cut the conversation short, walking off to your room to avoid further interrogation.

You’d been looking forward to dinner though, but when Joel approached the table, he sat down across from you, leaving your mom to take up the chair next to you. You’d twitched your eyebrows in questioning, but all he gave you was a slight nod of his head.

You thought back to last night — with Joel sitting beside you, you’d tested him and in return, he fucked you better than anyone before. You were keen on trying to push him again, but the added obstacle of the extra distance tonight would’ve made it far more risky.

Throughout dinner he made sure your parents' glasses were never empty, sending you a wink and a slanted smile with each pour as they became more and more carefree, his free hand caressing your back every time he rounded the table.

You’re not usually one to back down from a challenge, especially now that Joel is involved, but you suspected you wouldn’t need to tease him anymore to get what you wanted.

With dinner over and your parents having blissfully stumbled to their room, you now find yourself pinned against the countertop with Joel mouthing kisses along your neck. You’d told your parents you would handle the dishes, but you doubt you’ll even get a start on that.

“Y’know, I’m surprised you didn’t try anything funny under the table tonight.” Joel’s hands roam all over you as he nuzzles up against your jaw.

“I thought about it, but someone made it rather difficult.”

“Yeah well, you were enough of a brat last night, ‘bout time you started behaving.”

“Seemed to me you rather liked it.”

You’re smiling to yourself when you feel his hand smack down on your ass and you yelp, your dress barely doing anything to soften the blow.

“Seems to me that you quite like bein’ punished. Now, I do enjoy puttin’ you in your place, but it’s nice when you’re a good girl and I can reward you instead. You’re all dressed up too, you put on this pretty dress for me?”

Gripping the counter’s edge, you drop your head as he lifts your dress around your waist and holds it against your back. He pushes himself into you until you’re flush with the cool granite top, held down underneath him. He smacks down again and you’ve already soaked through your panties.

“Don’t make me repeat myself, you should know this by now. Been good all night, don’t start actin’ up now.”

“Yes…” You’re met with silence, Joel unmoving on top of you — that wasn’t a good enough response. “I wore it for you.”

“Looks real nice, pretty dress for my pretty girl.” 

He lifts his chest off of you, pressing a hand between your shoulder blades as he stands. Trailing his hands down your back, he tightens his grip when reaching your hips again, grinding himself into your core. A small gasp falls from your lips and he chuckles as you try pressing your legs together.

He hooks a finger under the gusset of your panties and pulls them to one side, tracing over the lips of your pussy as gently as possible, kneading your ass to spread you open — that and the cool, late-night air coats his finger in a fresh wave of arousal.

“All weepin’ and I’ve barely touched her.”

You’re whining at his words, on the verge of begging him to do something, anything to relieve you. He pulls your panties off completely, dropping them to your ankles and he pulls loose the tie of his shorts.

“Joel?” You prop yourself up on your elbows, turning your head to look at him.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You alright?” He rests a hand on you, thumb drawing soft circles into the swell of your ass, concern in his eyes.

“Are we not, uh… not going to bed?”

His eyes turn almost black as all traces of worry fly out the window, lips parted as he ticks his jaw to the side.

“Had no problem with me finger fuckin’ you on the beach, but now you wanna hide away again? What, you scared your old man’s gonna open his door and see his little girl gettin’ railed within an inch of her life? And by his own best friend, of all people.”

That really shouldn’t turn you on as much as it does, even more arousal seeping out of you and trickling down the inside of your thighs. Joel lays his fingers flat and wipes his hand up through you before slapping you hard and leaving a burning, sticky handprint on your ass — you buck your hips back into him, letting out a strangled moan.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

His shorts rustle as he shifts them down his thighs, and he swipes his hand up your cunt a second time, spreading his fingers and coating them in slick. You can hear how he takes hold of his length, the room filled with your heavy breathing and the lewd sounds of Joel stroking himself with his sticky hand.

He just slips into you and grabs you by the upper arms to pull you up into his chest, your back arching. He grunts as he thrusts up into you and bottoms out in one swift motion, your hand flying up to cover your mouth as you cry out, Joel taking up all empty space inside of you, your clit aching from lack of attention.

“You remember what I told you? Wanna hear what pretty noises you can make.” Joel pries your hand away, keeping it in his own as he takes hold of your hip, his other hand moving to your shoulder. “And before you argue, your parents ain’t wakin’ up any time soon baby — you saw ‘em heading off.”

He pulls out to his tip devastatingly slowly and knocks back into you, repeating the same rhythm over and over — you can feel every ridge, vein, and inch of him. Your eyes are pinched shut and your brow knitted, a choked moan sounding out from the back of your throat with each movement.

“Still just as tight as last night, even after bein’ stretched so wide.”

“Mmh, Joel…”

“Tell me what you want,” he mumbles into you, lips pressed into your skin.

“Please touch me, please Joel, wanna come.”

“Greedy, are we? Pussy’s stuffed full and she still wants more.” Taking half a step back, he pulls you away from the counter’s edge and removes his hand from your shoulder. “Askin’ so nicely though, really are bein’ such a good girl for me.”

He feels down between your legs and parts his fingers around where he splits you open, wetting them in your creamy slick that coats his cock before reaching around to your front and pressing them into your clit. Your hips jerk as he starts swirling his fingers, still withdrawing slowly and thrusting into you hard — you’re so worked up and sensitive that you’re coming already.

“Ohh, fuck, Joel!” you shout out, clamping down on him, your legs shaking as you struggle to keep yourself standing.

“Good girl, come on now, let it out.” He keeps the same pace in both hand and hips as he works you through it. You whine, face contorted and body writhing in pleasure.

Joe eventually stills inside you as you come down from your high, wrapping his arms around you to hold you against him. 

“You ever felt so good, sweetheart?”

“No.” You shake your head haphazardly, still breathless, but you want to see if you can drive him as crazy as he does you. “Never had a cock as big as yours, Joel. Never been so full.”

You feel him twitch inside of you and you break out into a wide grin.

Hand taking ahold of your shoulder once again and readjusting his grip on your hip, he starts slamming his hips into yours, the force of his movements jolting you forward as unabashed moans start falling from your mouth again.

“Never knew you had such a dirty mouth, baby. Definitely ruined this cunt for anyone else, nobody’s gonna make her come like I can. Stretched her so well that anyone else just ain’t gonna do the job.”

Last night was supposedly a punishment, Joel setting you straight after you’d teased him, but this? This feels like you’re being used, having Joel just take what he wants and God do you love it.

“Please come inside me, Joel — wanna be full of your come, want it dripping out of me while I fall asleep.”

It seems like your words work just as well as Joel’s — he pistons into you a handful of times before he erupts, groaning as he empties himself inside of you. He withdraws slightly just to push back in again, working himself even deeper into you, head falling to rest on your back as he folds on top of you.

His hands rub all over your body as he catches his breath, lazy kisses being dotted all over your back and neck. Pulling out of you, Joel grunts and you whimper at the feeling, he crouches down to pull your panties up off the floor, now ruined even further as you feel him start to leak out of you and soak into the already wet cotton.

He turns you to face him, hands cradling your head as he leans to kiss you, the same kind of kiss as earlier on the beach — not driven by lust or need but something real.

“Come on, now let’s go to bed.”

comments & reblogs are hugely appreciated, forehead kisses to all 💜

dividers by @saradika-graphics

[cring3rlordreal]

*revives from the dead*

What yall think about accountant jim x kitchen wizard like hear me out bro.

They both have something to do with cooking and math

( cooking part that if you saved jim, he mentions that he likes cooking as a hobby pretty sure while kitchen wizard is obviously.. a chef for blackrock)

( the math part is that accountant is a job you need to use math for bla bla bla, kitchen wizard has a complex math symbol on his front)

So like.. hear me out yall, im COOKING. Please.

Anyways dies

Silly hc don't snatch them pls... hehehheheh

Jim calls kitchen wizard "kiwi", not that kw likes the fruit or is green like one, it's just "k" i "w" i

[shewhowas39]

my Astarion smutfics

helloooo! since a few new peeps have come across my recent smutfic (and sine i accidentally deleted my masterlist like a dope) i figured i'd write up a little post with my smutfics. pretty much all my fics are established realtionship, idiots-in-love type fics, because smut with feelings is my fave. so if that's your vibe, here ya go.

these first four feature Astarion and June (my dark urge), and are set in the same universe/timeline as my main fic, Juniper & Starlight. but they can all be raad as standalones.

Give Me a Minute to Hold My Girl - a fluffy/smutty/bit of emotional hurt/comfort fic in which Astarion and June bang on Gortash's desk. (quickie, piv sex, smut with feelings, soft dom Astarion, a bit of petty Astarion)

Hard to Concentrate - a fluffy/smutty fic in which Astarion wants attention while June is trying to concentrate on a spell. time to see how long it takes to distract her! (dirty talk, oral sex, piv sex, multiple orgasms, Astarion being a little shit)

Nonsense - a silly/smutty fic in which the whole gang partakes in some pipeweed in order to de-stress, but Astarion discovers it may have unexpected (horny) effects on the undead. (sex pollen, piv sex, needy Astarion, June gets absolutely railed)

Liars' Night - a fun little 2 chapter fic set on Liars' Night, the Forgotten Realms versionof Halloween. It's 3 years after the events of the game, and everyone coms to Gale's tower in costume. Astarion dresses as a professor in hopes of seducing his nerdy wizard girlfriend, but June's princess costume is doing something to him. (costume roleplay, switchy sex, fucking in Gale's library, orgasm denial, oral, piv sex)

(and fwiw chapters 19, 21, and 27 of the main fic are also quite smutty, if you wanna skip the slow burn. i'm not judging.)

and then my very first bg3 fic was a standalone, not attached to J&S, featuring a nameless, afab Tav

Welcome Home - a fluffy/sweet/smutty fic in which Tav surprises Astarion with a Manficicent Mansion spell on the one year anniversary of Cazador's death, and they smash in their new magic house. (soft dom Astarion, light bdsm elements, blow job, oral sex, piv sex, multiple orgasms, smut with feelings)

[the-and-sign-anon]

Coincidental Matchup

Dazai

Despite everything Dazai’s been through, he can be a very a silly guy and will take full advantage of any opportunity to enjoy that

So when the ADA is promised to attend a huge Halloween bash in Yokohama and Kunikida is on everyone’s case about dressing up and behaving professionally, Dazai takes it to heart

On the night of the party, everyone is in costume

Ranpo is dressed as Sherlock Holmes, a little uninspired, but acceptable

Atsushi and Kyouka dressed as toned down slashers from a cheesy horror film they enjoyed

Even Yosano had agreed to come, dressed as a corpse bride

Dazai decided to indulge in one of his favorite movies, Howl’s Moving Castle

Dressed as the titular wizard, he mingled and played it up to the fullest

It wasn’t long before he started getting comments about ‘his partner’ having created an equally impressive costume and people thinking it was so cute that they’d dressed up together

Naturally, he slipped away to get a better view of the party and figure out what people were talking about

That’s when he spotted you, a meticulously managed white-gray wig on your head, lingering by the buffet

He took full advantage of the opportunity and sidled up to you with a fittingly flattering compliment on your costume

You responded with a kind smile and an understanding look when you took in his costume

For the sake of ease (or so he says) Dazai suggests sticking together, especially once you mention your colleagues have all disappeared into the unfamiliar crowd

You agree to do so, enjoying yourself far more than you expected now that you had someone to talk to

And Dazai is more than happy to listen, watching with focused eyes as you chat about your job, your costume, and anything else that comes to mind

As a joke, you both just pretend to be together whenever someone compliments either of you for the remainder of the night

You have to admit, you’re a little surprised when you try a cafe on a whim a few weeks later to see him sprawled out dramatically in a booth while a young man with an unfortunate haircut listens to him moan about his big missed opportunity

Without saying a word to alert him, you pass by and smile at the waitress there, ignoring the exaggerated gasp he lets out when his eyes land on you again

Maybe he’d make a good costume partner next year too

Chuuya

For Chuuya, I don’t really see him dropping the mafioso business for a costume party unless his partner asked him too, so we’ll go with an au

Chuuya is a sophomore in college, and his roommates decide to throw a Halloween party that he can’t really get out of

Rather than pouting about it, he decides to just go with the flow and come up with a simple costume that won’t draw much attention

He digs a black t-shirt out of his closet that has flecks of bleach on it, which conveniently makes it look sort of like ground pepper

Paired with some black jeans and a little slip of paper labeled ‘pepper’ safety pinned to his front, he has a low effort costume that will keep his roommates off his back

The party is a little more popular than Chuuya expected for how little he sees his roommates bring friends over

He primarily keeps to himself, listening to the music, staying close to the walls, and manning the front door when handfuls of trick-or-treaters come by

Right as he goes to close the door after a pack of teenage princesses leave, a voice calls for him to wait

You come strolling up the front steps with a friend of yours just behind you, each of you carrying two six-packs of drinks

Chuuya holds the door open and ducks back to make for your full arms, nodding as you offer a quick thanks

He doesn’t really take notice of your outfit, since he has no reason to do so, but it doesn’t escape him that it’s pretty simple

All he sees as you and your friend walk by is a flash of white

You meet with one of his roommates in the kitchen, setting down the drinks and trying not to watch him greet your friend with an enthusiastic kiss

Once he steps back to say hello to you, he takes in your costume and gets this stupid grin on his face you’ve learned to dread

All he’ll say is that you have a missing piece out in the party, and encourages you to find it

You try to brush the comment off and wave to your friend who has already drifted into a conversation with someone else

The only reason you’d agreed to come was because your friend insisted they wanted to introduce you to their boyfriend’s roommates

Of the other five young men who lived in the rented house, three were in college, same as you

Two of them were single and your friend never let you forget that you were too, but could easily change that

So you conceded to their begging and slapped a name tag labeled ‘salt’ onto your white shirt and let them drag you off to the party

Now that you were here, you wished you could have turned them down

The music was too loud, and everyone was too close

So you shuffled along the edges of the main room and darted over to sit halfway up the staircase leading to the second floor

You had about two minutes of peace before a heavily inebriated guy stumbled up past you headed for the bathroom and made a comment about having seen ‘your boyfriend’ by the front door earlier

You didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, but you received similar remarks for another half an hour while Chuuya heard the same

He was the first to break and went looking for his supposed ‘partner’

You were still on the stairs when he found you, scrolling on your phone and tapping your feet to the beat from the living room

“Hey there, Salt.”

Your eyes flickered up to meet his, drifted down to his shirt, then back up.

“Ah. Pepper. Now I get it.”

“You’ve been getting comments all night too, huh?”

“Yep. I was starting to think there really was a boyfriend I didn’t know about.”

Chuuya chuckled and came up to sit a few steps below you, both of you curling in on yourselves to take up less room.

“My name’s Chuuya, by the way.”

“Y/N.”

It didn’t take long for Chuuya to realize it was too loud in the house for both of you, so he lead the way back out to the porch, where you spent the remainder of the night handing out or eating from the bowl of candy and chatting

Your friend finally came to check on you when they realized you hadn’t responded to a check in text, and found you fast asleep on the porch, side by side with Chuuya in matching camp chairs

[obessedwithfictionalmen]

Young, dumb in love

Theseus Scamander X Wizard!Reader

Summary: Theseus and Y/n had always been in love with the other. Now that an extraordinary event occurs, it will bring them closer

Warning: Pregnancy/ Mention of birth/ inaccuracies (powers, medical)/ use of Y/n/ not really following the movie timeline

Word count: 1.5k

Y/n and Theseus met because of Newt. All 3 of them were in Hufflepuff and Y/n didn’t have any friends. Newt sat next to her one day and they became friends, then, she met Newt’s older brother, Theseus. She was instantly attracted to him, and it was the same for him, he thought she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Years went by and they were both 20. After a one-night stand, Y/n started to feel nauseous, she feared that the protection they wore, didn’t do its job. So, when the test came back positive, it was time to break the news to Theseus.

‘’You might want to sit down’’ Y/n warned the man. ‘’What are you going to tell me? You’re not pregnant, are you?’’ he joked. Y/n’s heart sank, she became pale. ‘’Well, yes, I am Theseus, I did 4 tests, they all came back positive’’ she nervously said. Theseus immediately felt bad from what he just said. He was happy, he was going to be a dad, having a family of his own as always been his dream. ‘’Oh my! Y/n that’s an amazing news! I can’t wait to tell Newt!’’ He smiles. Y/n breath out in relief, her eyes fill with tears, happy tears. ‘’So, you’re happy?’’ she asked. ‘’Yes, it’s wonderful!’’ he exclaimed, hugging her.

‘’Thank you for inviting me over, it’s been a while since I’ve saw you. How are you, Y/n?’’ Newt says, sitting at the table. Y/n and Theseus didn’t have a game plan, they didn’t think about a way to announce it. ‘’I’m great, Newt, by the way, you’re going to be an uncle.’’ She blurted out. Newt dropped his fork as he looked at them. ‘’What?’’ he mumbled. ‘’I’m pregnant, Newt. And Theseus is the father’’ she smiled. ‘’Really?’’ he smiled. Theseus nodded and took Y/n’s hand. ‘’That’s amazing! Congratulations! I’m going to be an uncle!’’ he exclaimed, he looked really happy. ‘’That’s why the Qilin was so excited, he saw the baby’s soul’’ he murmurs. ‘’This early?’’ Y/n asked, putting a hand on her stomach. Newt nodded and smiled. Theseus smiled to his brother as they continued to talk about life.

Her stomach was starting to show, she was so happy. She was looking at herself in the mirror, smiling. ‘’Theseus! Come here!’’ she yelled. He ran upstairs, afraid something bad happened to her. ‘’Are you okay? Is the baby, okay? Do I need to call Newt?’’ he quickly said. Y/n laughed and shook her head. ‘’Look, I’m showing! Can you see it!’’ she lifted her shirt, exposing her small bump. Theseus calmed down and looked at her belly. ‘’Oh my, that’s amazing!’’ he dropped to his knees and put his hand on her stomach. ‘’Hello little one, I’m your father. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I can’t wait to meet you’’ he whispered. Y/n’s eyes filled with tears. ‘’You made me cry’’ she said, wiping her tears. He got up and hugged her, kissing her cheek in the process. They didn’t figure out what their relationship was, it pained them both. ‘’Y/n, what are we?’’ he whispered in her ear. ‘’I don’t know, but I know that I love you, more than a friend’’ she replied. They stopped hugging and sat on the bed. ‘’I want to be more than a friend to you, Y/n. I love you, you’re the mother of my child, that’s the most important thing. I want to be with you, if you’ll allow me to’’ he confessed. Y/n cried even more. ‘’I love you too, yes, I’ll allow it, silly’’ she laughed as they kissed.

‘’Why is the Qilin in our house?’’ Theseus asked his girlfriend and brother as he entered his home. Y/n turned around; her belly was getting bigger. 3 months left in her pregnancy, they recently discovered that she was carrying twins, a boy and a girl. Her belly was really big, but she was happy. Newt looked at his brother and smiled. ‘’He was grumpy, and the only thing that calms him down is seeing the twin’s soul.’’ Newt explained as Y/n petted the small animal. Theseus looked at Y/n shirt, it had a weird shape. ‘’Oh, the Niffler is in there, he wanted somewhere warm to sleep’’ she explained. Theseus swore under his breath and let out a sigh. ‘’Newt, I don’t want you creatures to roam around the house and risk hurting – ‘’ Y/n cut him off. ‘’Shush! They’re kicking!’’ she said, touching her belly. Theseus stopped his sentence and went near his girlfriend. ‘’Here’’ she took his hand and placed it where the baby kicked. He smiled to her when he felt it. ‘’That’s beautiful’’ he whispered. ‘’Newt, do you want to touch?’’ she asked. He nodded and put his hand on her stomach. They all looked at each other, smiling, tears in their eyes.

‘’For the last time, Thesus, it was a Braxton Hicks contraction. I’m okay’’ she said, rubbing her stomach. ‘’But if you go into labour and I’m not there!’’ he said. ‘’I will call you. I’m safe, Newt’s coming and the Qilin can sense the babies, I promise, go to work, get that promotion’’ she said. ‘’If there’s any change, even another Braxton Hicks, call me’’ he said. She nodded as he left his home, at the same time, Newt entered. ‘’I thought he’d never leave’’ Y/n chuckles. Pickett comes out of Newt’s pocket to jump on Y/n’s belly. ‘’Hello, you’’ she squeals. The creatures smile and jumps on her belly as a sign of joy. ‘’When’s your due date?’’ he asked, sitting on the couch. ‘’Yesterday, that’s why he’s so nervous’’ she says, smiling. The Qilin gets out of Newt’s case and sits next to her, resting his head on her belly. ‘’He’s always been nervous, but I get him’’ he says. ‘’Can you do me a favour? Can you go and make some raspberry leaf tea, Muggles say it helps the woman going into labour’’ she explains as Newt goes to make tea. She pets the Qilin as she waits for her boyfriend’s brother. She feels a pain in her stomach, so she takes deep breath to make them pass, but it doesn’t work. She doesn’t tell Newt, because she’s not sure if they’re real or not. The Qilin rise his head, looking at Y/n. His eyes talk: C’mon, tell him. Y/n shakes her head, Pickett squeaks. ‘’What are they trying to tell you?’’ Newt asks as he puts her cup down. ‘’They want me to tell you that I’m having contractions, but I’m not sure if they’re real or not’’ she confesses.

‘’I swear, you’re lucky I’m carrying two! Because I’m not doing this again” she moaned in pain. Theseus rubbed her back and tried to support her the best he could. She had been in labor for 13 hours without medication because it could be dangerous for the babies. ‘’You’re so strong, my darling, keep breathing, you got this’’ he praised her. Y/n felt pressure down there, like she needed to push. ‘’I need to push, like right now!’’ she announced. ‘’Go ahead, sweetie’’ the nurse called out. She pushed with all the energy she had left to try and get one of her babies out. ‘’You’re a warrior, come on give me another push like that and one of them is out’’ the nurse encouraged her. She pushed again. This time, the room was filled with cries, baby cries. Y/n let out a breath as she looked at her baby. ‘’It’s a boy’’ Their baby boy was born first, Y/n sobbed with joy. ‘’You did it, my love, our boy is here’’ Theseus calls out. ‘’Come on, Y/n, push again’’ the nurse calls out. ‘’Bollocks, I have to do it again’’ she groaned in pain. Theseus chuckled as he supported her again. 15 minutes later, Y/n was sitting with her girl in her arms, while Theseus was holding their boy. Newt came in the room, with Tina, Jacob, and Queenie following him. ‘’Congratulations!’’ Queenie squeals. Y/n smiles, she was exhausted and only wanted to sleep, but she wanted to be there for her guests. ‘’How did it go?’’ Tina asked, more calmly. ‘’It was so long, but I’m happy that they’re here’’ Y/n says. ‘’Do you want to know their names?’’ Theseus says, looking at the guests. ‘’That’s Emory Scamander’’ Y/n announces, smiling. ‘’And that’s Eugene Newton Scamander’’ at the sound of his name, Newt’s eyes fill with tears. ‘’You named him after me?’’ he softly asks. They both nod and smile. ‘’Oh’’ he softly reacts. ‘’Two E names, was it intentional?’’ Jacob laughs. ‘’Emory means strength and leadership and Eugene means noble’’ Y/n explains. ‘’You guys are such a beautiful family’’ Queenie says. Y/n and Theseus felt like it, a family. After all this time of loving each other, they now had children together. They were the happiest they’ve ever been.