#sick of Trying
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#I am so sick of everything right now#there are things I need to do#and decisions I need to make#and people I need to get back to#about things they've asked about... weeks ago now#and it's not that I don't actually have time for these obligations#I just feel so completely mentally and emotionally frayed#and all I want to do is scream at everyone to leave me alone#(even while yeah I am also lonely and aware that increasing social isolation isn't going to actually help with Issues)#but I just don't want to deal with#any of this#so many things feel unsustainable#and yet the prospect of change literally makes me physically sick#and even trying to do anything differently#takes so so so much energy I do not have#sick of Trying#but not trying just means the problems and stresses keep getting worse so#back to work I guess
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please i love you i'm begging you bring back suspension of disbelief bring back trusting the audience like. i cannot handle any more dialogue that sounds like a legal document. "hello, i am here to talk to you about the incident from a few minutes ago, because i feel you might be unwell, and i am invested in your personal wellbeing." "thank you, i am unwell because the incident was hurtful to me due to my childhood, which was bad." I CANT!!!!
do you know how many people are mad that authors use "growled" as a word for "said"? it's just poetics! they do not literally mean "growled," it's just a common replacement for "said with force but in a low tone." it's normal! do you hear me!! help me i love you please let me out of here!!!
#i am so sick of writers having to anticipate the most boring#bad-faith readings of their work. i am like - if you use cheese as a currency#okay! as long as the world makes sense to me: cool. cheese tax. moving on.#my job as the reader is to suspend my disbelief and say okay! i am so sick of like#fanfiction authors having to write dissertations#because they had an interesting idea they'd like to try out!!!#just write it! if it doesn't make sense that's someone else's problem!!!#PS OP is autistic. yes sometimes i take things literally at first glance. then i think about it lol#this is so clearly not about accessibility etc. it's about like. girl even i an autistic person#am able to understand ''they probably didn't mean his eyes darkened LITERALLY''
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alright, this one's a little more silly
#this chapbook needs 15 poems#I have 11 finished 😤#and they're in narrative order! so the first poem (this) comes before Belphie's birth#and then we go through him falling sick#and RECOVERING!!! 💃#I'm a little unsure if this one's as strong though.....I feel like the best ones are in the middle of the book#(which is bad if I'm trying to sell it to a publisher bc they might just stop reading)#belphegor
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Doing this bc I’m scared to and won’t on my own
if this gets 5k notes by October 20th, I will tell my dad about my eating disorder and get help to recover + therapist
Rules:
No spamming
5 notes per person including likes
if either one of those is broken, I’m reducing the time limit, basically making it less likely to hit the goal on time
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PLEASE STOP SPAMMING
tagging is okay
Might delete later(sorry!) because I’m scarrredddd, I don’t wanna tell my dad >:l
#Basically I’ve been trying for the past two weeks to recover on my own without having to tell anyone about it and bro I just cant#Jsbsjdhd#It will only be a temporary recovery though heads up#Because I’m not going to get away with this eating disorder for much longer#I’m going to get found out so this is just temporary until I’m an adult#Once I’m an adult I won’t have to worry about getting caught 😌#Ahhh I’ve had this disorder for like a year now I’m sick of it 😭#Okay maybe not temporary#Actually I wouldn’t mind recovering for good actually this sucks#Notes game#note game
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#my drawing#disco elysium#the sick beast has arrived#sady i can't think of any witty description for this lol#i wanted to write 'communism! just don't try to smell it' but i'm not gonna be mean to him today
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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what if you’re the wife of a criminal, a man who deals with the cartels. and somehow you get thrown into the mess of it all. he keeps you tucked away, hidden from the prying eyes of the outside world.
until a group of men move in across the street. they seem to come around quite often, but your husband is so strict, so desperate to keep you hidden up in your tower, that you never see them, or anyone for that matter.
and then one day you’re out in your garden, the only place you find solace. the years of trauma you have had to endure built you to be cautious, the snap of a twig and very quiet rustle of the bush beside you making you move fast.
but ghost was faster.
he grabs you in an instant. his grip is tight and yet somehow reassuring you think.
“shh…husband doesn’t need ta know i’m here. be quiet fa me, yeah?”
after that he secretly comes around, learns your husbands schedule just so he knows when he can come see you and for how long.
he tells the team about these visits of course, vowing to get you out of the war your husband has drug you into.
#i might expand on this but it’s just a thought rn#i’m still super sick but trying to get myself to be productive lol#call of duty#simon ghost riley#simon riley#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty mwii#cod#call of duty warzone#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#cod ghost#simon riley x female reader#simon riley x you#simon ghost riley x female reader#simon ghost riley x you#ghost x female reader#ghost x you#simon ghost x reader#cod mw#cod mwii#cod mw ghost#task force 141#141#ghost simon riley#cod ghosts#ghost call of duty#ghost mw2#simon riley imagine#sirin writes⋆˚࿔
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People who write Jason calling Sheila a bitch in his internal monologue don’t understand him I’m sorryyy. I don’t think he’s ever actually said a word against her in canon at the is point. He spent his last moments trying to protect her from the blast even after her betrayal. He is insane in ways you can’t even begin to fathom
#These mommy issues got layers to em baby#‘But how does he forgive Sheila but stay mad at Bruce’ because Bruce is Batman. Jason never had expectations for Sheila#Jason spending his last moments trying to protect Sheila is so important to me I will always be the 1st to remind people what aditf#originally says his last moments were like. He wasn’t alone. His mom was there :)#<- isn’t that even more sick and twisted#They died TOGETHER they were buried TOGETHER. Mama’s boy to the end#Jason Todd#Sheila Haywood#dc
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squilf
#never drawing fur again omfg#squirrelstar#squirrelflight#my art#warriors#warrior cats#i love somali cats so much and abyssinians#i love blue abyssinians someone make a blue abyssinian warriors design pleeease for me#drew this bc i was so sick of trying to make my wc art look in any way realistic
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sometimes you gotta lure your overly-studious ravenclaw gf into spending time with you 🥰 📚 ( from 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall' by Kat_12739 on ao3, GO READ IT!!! the first story is about seb falling sick and still pushing himself/not admitting he's sick until he ends up in the hospital, the second story is about the birth of seb and clora's daughter and seb's reaction to clora almost dying in childbirth, and the third is about dealing with a fussy newborn lewis😭🥹THEY'RE SO GOOD AND SWEET AND SOMEWHAT SAD (not to mention beautifully written) so go check it out!!💖💖 )
#READ SO I CAN YAP TO SOMEONE ABOUT THEM🙏😩💘#the seb sickfic made me realize how much i needed barely functioning and sick seb (but him still trying to be tough)#theres also a part that cracked me up bc at one point seb is so sick he cant even see straight but he just thinks to himself:#eh its fine.... ill just ask ominis how HE functions without vision later🤷 LMFAO#so stubborn...JUST LET CLORA TAKE CARE OF YOU MFER🤺🤺🤺#defs gonna be drawing more from it especially sick seb LMAO but also seb having a tea party with celeste🥹🥹#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian x mc#hogwarts legacy fanfiction#sebastian sallow fanfiction#hphl#choccyart#also i was never planning on writing anything about clora giving birth or abt the kids so to be able to read it WAS AMAZING#THERES A PART WHERE SEB IS HOLDING CELESTE AND CRYING AT CLORAS BEDSIDE THAT I NEED TO DRAW😭😭#LIKE SRSLY seb being conflicted and not even wanting to HOLD celeste bc he doesnt know if clora is alive or not... IT WAS SO SAD BUT GOOD#i honestly dont know what seb would do if clora died in childbirth tbh.......i could honestly see him resenting celeste#esp since she looks so much like clora😭😭#LETS JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT!😃👍#(still thinking about it)#like this line in the fic: “Sebastian hesitated; if this was Clora’s last gift to him he wasn’t sure he wanted it.”#😭😭😭ITS SO GOOD UGHHHHH😭 TY AGAIN FOR WRITING THESE💖IM SO TOUCHEDDD💖💖
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@mnvart // Kaveh Akbar, 'Calling A Wolf A Wolf' // @PinkRangerLB on Twitter // @kosmogrl // @devinsturk, '15 Proverbs for the Fellow Chronically Ill' // Jasmine Deporta // Anaïs Nin, House of Incest // the gentle wisdom uquiz by @inkskinned // Rora Blue, 'Sweet Dreams' // Hala Alyan, Dear Layal
#web weaving#webs#mine#theme: sickness#theme: sleep#theme: this is me trying#theme: i have no choice but to live with this#so. i havent made any webs in a while#ive been working full time and really struggling; turns out my thyroid has become unbalanced again#in addition to the cfs which has been actively ruining my life for eight years now#and this is how i feel about it. basically.#tw chronic illness#@mnvart#minava#kaveh akbar#twitter#@kosmogrl#@devinsturk#jasmine deporta#anais nin#@inkskinned#rora blue#hala alyan#chronic fatigue syndrome#myalgic encephalomyelitis
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probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.
we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."
at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.
the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.
the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.
what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.
here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.
#this is true#writeblr#warm up#relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes#amongst the Siblings#is like - ''this is so good u will love it''#while we are reacting to something we OBVIOUSLY find viscerally disgusting#like we will be actively retching and be like ''nooooo it's so good''#to the point that i sometimes get nervous if someone outside my family is like oh u should try it its good#(obvi we never force each other to eat anything. we are all just curious birds and#like. we're GONNA try the new thing.)#edit to answer why we had so much vanilla:#my mom is a very good cook and we LOVE to bake. so she just had a lot of staples in the house.#it's one of those things that's like. have u ever continuously thought ''ah i should get butter im probably out''#even tho u are not out of butter. so u end up with like 5 years of butter.#my mom would do that in a costco but like with vanilla extract#to be fair we WERE always using WAY TOO MUCH bc we were kids#so like she was right to stock up#ps. yes we were VERY sick after this lol i just didn't want to include it in the post in case ppl had an ick about that#u can tell it's real bc we knew "oh no we fucked up that's too much vanilla to waste'' but our reaction was to just. keep drinking it#> sibling understanding that vanilla extract isn't free > knowledge mother doesnt mind if we use it for milkshakes#> sibling choice to maybe get in a loophole of ''not wasting it'' if we drink it bc that's the same as using it (not throwing it out)#listen bud i was like 13 and my sister was like 9#when my mom discovered this we. got in. A LOT. of trouble. a lot of it. a LOT of it.#3rd edit bc i guess it isn't clear - i am 1 of my brother's 2 little sisters#i am the middle child#out of all the ways i have had to explain a post before being like ''did u forget a middle child can happen'' is my favorite
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I want it back = I drag its dead weight forward
#artists on tumblr#animation#in stars and time#isat#illustration#in stars and time spoilers#isat spoilers#like for real#anyway I'm still thinking about Siffrin Instarsandtime#shoutout to tumblr user jb-blunk for the words from the caption which inspired this whole deal#literally finished the game and had those words looping (haHA) in my head like 'how do I use this what can I do to match this feeling' LMAO#if you haven't played ISAT well. first of all stop looking don't glean anything from this shhhh- but also GO PLAY IT IT'S EXCELLENT#heavily based off the astronomical clock in Prague! I love that thing so it was really fun to try and make it more ISAT-like#bc the themes are already there yanno!! Stars n' whatnot! And then of course the craft types instead of the astrological signs!#Loop and the King for the sun and the moon!!#can you tell I thought about and planned this one for like. A while. Longer than I usually spend LMAO#so yeah go play it immediately come be absolutely ILL and SICK and PLAGUED about the secret boss with me#fanart#pic
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Dungeon Meshi is fun
#started watching it#very fun!#i tried reading it a while back but couldn't really get into it#might try and pick it up again idk#i randomly got pretty sick tho so lazy art it is#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#delicious in dungeon#marcille donato#wilimia art
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Franky won the Twitter poll to be Usopp's new dad and he's ✨SUPER✨ stoked about it
#usopp#god usopp#op usopp#cyborg franky#franky one piece#op franky#Papa Franky#Franky the SUPER dad -Cue Explosions and sick guitar riffs-#one piece#cwispihae#Sorry Papa Frank I know your trying#Maybe the U-Son would be more comfortable with matching Hawiian shirts?
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AU based off Nature except I kept thinking about it too hard. Dales not a good dad, but its such an easy problem for him to throw money at, and what do you do when a part is damaged? Well, you replace it.
Basically an AU where Dev gets to experience medical trauma and realizes much sooner how much his dad doesn't love him
#I have IDEASSSS#but only if people are interested#fop#fairly oddparents#dev dimmadome#dale dimmadome#fop dev#fop dale#fairly oddparents a new wish#fop a new wish#fop nature au#moral orel nature#hurt no comfort#blood#child abuse#child neglect#medical trauma#implied gun violence#Dev only gets a week or two off school because his dad doesn't want people to think anythings wrong#Dale doesn't care thattt much about public optics but people knowing you permanently disabled your son is absolutely not good for business#Dev hates the leg and keeps it as hidden as possible#as far as anyone else knows he just took a week long vacation and came back lazier and crabbier than ever#Dale did it out of his own sick kind of love but to Dev its just a reminder of how replaceable his dad sees him.#just the same as any other of his machines#The doodle in the corner is Dev coming into his own a bit more. He stops trying to look like his dad#Did you know Dev and Dale have naturally curly hair?? They just hair gel it to all hell#I think in this timeline Hazel shows up pretty soon after he returns to school so the accident is pretty fresh#art#digital art#fanart
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