#shut up I’m emotional about evil delivery men

[bepillian]

Breekon and Hope shared one braincell... and also one heart

[nightcoremoon]

so for the first time I saw batman: the killing joke.

...

it was okay I guess. but massively overrated. I expected some fucking masterpiece of cinema but instead it was just two unrelated short films that were more style and flash than substance.

so first off, barbara's storyline was mediocre. franz wasn't a compelling villain; just a creep, and a trust fund brat. oh wow he's a mafia kid who stole his family's fortune by hacking. if it was the falcone family I'd have cared more but it wasn't so it's just some faceless deathfodder rando. who gives a shit. the whole situation was just a vehicle to shove batman's dick into babs. which kinda fucks over bruce's character here and judging by the timeline kinda makes him a bit of a groomer, yikes. bruce and gordon have known each other since bruce was a young boy and we know that bruce is way older than babs so yeah bruce totally knew her from birth until present day, he literally utilized an active power dynamic to police her crimefighting activities, and he should have fucking known better and stopped her when she kissed him because it would (and did) compromise their professional dynamic, but hey, batdick. and at least barbara recognized that she was behaving emotionally rather than logically when it came to bruce and paris and took the high road out. that would be a serviceable standalone episode to write her on a bus in a serialization but THIS IS A MOVIE. so for a waste of an already short runtime it's like having an appetizer before your meal but instead of something like a crab cake before stuffed flounder, you get greasy onion petals that are more fried batter than onion before getting a well done cheeseburger that's just a glorified hockey puck on a sponge with a kraft single on top. the animation and vocal delivery were excellent of course, not gonna disparage that aspect, so it was well made, but the writing was just not very good. a polished turd. quantic dream must have developed it then because it feels like I watched a david cage production.

so in a 78 minute movie, five of which were the credits, we had a half hour Disney/Pixar short except those bring joy and this brought boring. also there were a lot of shots of her ass tits and underwear that were obnoxiously male-gazey and there was a token gay for the sole purpose of dangling a carrot on a stick for the queers. look kids, warner brothers and dc comics cares about the lgbts! give us money! a waste of time before the real reason why anyone came to see the movie that literally only exists to pad out the runtime to make it a feature length (even though paying a full ticket would've been a total ripoff because, again, IT WAS ONLY 78. even 9 was 81 minutes long and that had an amazing storyline so I forgave it, but 78 minutes? ugh.

also, GOTHAM RAGE??? CRINGE. SO CRINGE.

alright now for the joker segment.

*ahem*

what the fuck? that sucked! *throws tomato*

mark hamill and the joker's lines and the art and the cinematography and the choreography was all good and the plot was cohesive. I get it.

but holy shit was the writing weak as fuck.

okay so some rando breaks the J-ster out of Arkham (already unlikely but ugh whatever), he didn't turn a trick or recruit or anything, he just went to purchase a carnival. or, steal one. but wait, he DID recruit, but he went to get all of the stereotypical Circus Freak™ stereotypes. little people, fat lady, bearded lady, wolf man, strongman, diaper man (wait, what?), and the two headed woman. I guess if you don't really think about why all of them were super readily available in the outskirts between arkham and gotham [i just realized they both end with -am] then it makes enough sense. and then literally right after that HE RECRUITS SOME GUYS TO HELP HIM KIDNAP GORDON. and then strips and photographs barbara. um. ew. you can tell the writer and director were men. Alan Moore is constantly molesting women in his comics and this one trick pony should be put down already. but whatever. the plot is weak and it only gets saved by the flashback sequences.

oh.

oh no.

they're not that great.

he's a failed unfunny comedian who just wants some money to move his wife to a better house so he turns to thievery with the mob. OR YOU COULD JUST STOP GOING TO THE BAR AND BLOWING IT ALL ON BOOZE. I mean the cops knew where to find him after all so clearly he's a repeat customer (or moore is a bad plot writer who relies on convenience and shut the fuck up and don't critically analyze it). alright so he gets wrapped up in the mob to perform a heist on a playing card factory. GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S THE JOKER??? and he uses the moniker of the red hood to retain his anonymity. I expected the mobsters to be working for francisco but no the paris storyline was only cooked up screenplay for passing the runtime so why would they do something clever and interesting and make the film cohesive? that'd be really stupid to make the movie feel more like one movie and not two short films. at least when grindhouse & planet terror did it they advertised themselves as an anthology film. whatever. he falls in the vat of acid which melts the red hood to his face and I gotta say that's actually a pretty good idea to get his face white and his hair green and his lips red. I like that part. oh wait I forgot about the most important part! his wife gets shoved in the refrigerator. OH WOW THAT'S JUST SO COMPELLING AND ORIGINAL, TOTALLY NOT SOMETHING THAT ALREADY HAPPENED TO GREEN LANTERN. TWICE. although she wasn't literally shoved into a literal refrigerator like alex was. rip in frozen pieces you absolute legend of a trope namer. alright, so... so the joker is sad because his wife died. you know, the wife we saw for two minutes and knew the moment we saw her drenched in sepia she was gonna die. and she died offscreen. kyle's gf died and he was fine. gordon's wife died and he was fine. batman's parents both died and he was fine. oh boo hoo someone I love died! fuck off. I am so goddamn sick of people trying to justify their evil with "I was sad once". it's a stupid trope and it's not compelling. the only valid version is doctor doofenshmirtz' evil(er) version in the PF movie because it's hilarious that it's because of a toy train because that's the emotional depth that fridgewomen is treated with in all of these storylines. but at least batman said so. oh yeah, I almost totally forgot, batman's in this movie.

batman punches people and nonlethally takes them out. by suffocating them and letting them get stabbed and throwing them into pits of spikes and HEY WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND! okay let's just ignore that bit and hope that the little people squeezed between the gaps in the spikes and the strongman could breathe in the face mask and the two headed women had KO gas and the fat lady was fat enough that the knives only stabbed her cellulite. it wouldn't be the biggest reach one would have to make in watching this fucking disaster of a plot mess.

now I did like that it was actually batman, and by that I mean he gave a shit about the insane because he recognizes that mental illness is not a cause of dangerous or criminal behavior, just a potential exacerbating factor if it wasn't treated. yeah he brutalized mobsters and crime lords but they were mostly in self defense while gathering intel. he politely asked sal maroni and the sex workers for information and they gave it to him without violence- he manhandled maroni but only after he reached into his pocket for a cigar which could've been a gun. also batman says sex work should be decriminalized if only by not ratting them out to the cops. he was a genuinely good person in the second half of the movie. too bad it was ruined by the shitty first half that made him a borderline groomer.

joker's song was... bad. mark hamill performed his ass off but the song wasn't that good. it just tried to be willy wonka if he was a voyeuristic monster. oh yeah have the only girl character be paralyzed stripped and photographed only to give her father ManPain™. again... the fuck? joker and batman were both gross but, again. male writers. if it was a one-off I could drop a thermian argument because, alright one and done makes sense, especially 1988 standards. but it saturated and soured the entire goddamn movie because of abhorrent pacing decisions. so you're goddamn right I'm gonna bring it up twice! joker was a creep, his plan was dumb, nolan and burton and lord/miller and even ayer had better motivations. YES I AM SAYING THAT JARED LETO'S JOKER HAD BETTER WRITING THAN MARK HAMILL'S JOKER. not nearly to the level of ledger nicholson or galifanakis but hamill didn't have a lot to work with here and I maintain that his performance was amazing; honestly I like his the best out of all of them but just... not here. but I think I can cut some slack to firelord ozai and luke skywalker even if he just phoned it in here which he didn't. writing was just weak. and that's all there is to it. don't anon me and threaten to remove my bones ok?

alright so batman and joker fought and joker got the upper hand and was gonna kill him but it was a prop gun. haha. they had a heart to heart and batman tells joker that he wants to help him get better, even after joker killed robin and molested barbara and traumatized gordon and did countless other travesties, he still said he would help. but joker said no, and told a joke that was good enough to make batman laugh. and then the credits rolled.

...

what a completely pointless and empty ending. oh it's deep and meaningful and poignant? ok sure, I guess, movie, but you didn't earn that. shyamalan did the same thing a dozen times. that doesn't make him any less of a shit writer.

I can understand the concept of batman laughing at joker's joke, humanizing him.

I get it. I see what they tried to do. I respect it.

but this movie was massively overhyped and overrated and I expected it to be so much better than it was. but overall to me it was just another batman cartoon to throw on top of the pile. maybe it was influential to graphic novels. maybe it shaped batman into what he is today. it published right as tim burton's movie and I can respect its place in the pantheon of comic history. but sometimes things that are classic...

aren't that great.

citizen kane, casablanca, the maltese falcon, the treasure of the sierra madre, gone with the wind, singing in the rain, all of them are classic and legendary pieces of art. but they're just not that good, interesting, appealing, watchable, or FUN. they were good at the time- I mean come on we all know them today- but on going back you'd have to really appreciate the finer details to still love the movies today. and this belongs there, in the vault, to be appreciated from afar. influential if dated.

but god am I still disappointed nonetheless.

TL;DR

it was just okay. had some good ideas, had some really bad ideas, had some ugly stuff. overall mediocre. first half 5/10, second half 7/10, overall 6/10.

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

Writing Commission - Where I Want To Be - Chapter Nine (END)

Summary: Yamada Hizashi, better known as the Voice Hero Present Mic, is a busy man. He has classes and students to teach English to, an agency that always seemed to be in the middle of a disaster to help deal with, and a radio station that was one bad show away from being cancelled to run. He doesn’t have time for a bad day triggered by nightmares and fears and anxieties that just never seem to stop.

Luckily for him, his partners are Aizawa Shouta and Yagi Toshinori and neither of those two are very good at leaving Hizashi to suffer alone.

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia    

Relationship: Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic/Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic/Yagi Toshinori | All Might, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yagi Toshinori | All Might

Characters: Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Yagi Toshinori | All Might

Rating: Teen Audiences

Word Count: 29,323

Transaction Amount: $200 (USD)

WARNINGS FOR: Past childhood abuse (both emotional and physical) and anxiety attacks verging on panic to PTSD episodes. Please read with caution if needed.

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Hizashi gave a soft sigh, stomach pleasantly full and thoughts cloudy and murky as he felt sleepiness tug at him from all sides. It was hard to resist the urge to just give in considering he was curled up on the couch between an equally sleepy Toshinori and Shouta, all three of them curled under blankets. Their bowls and cups were empty on the table, dinner long since done, and Hizashi felt like he could give in and purr like their cats at how warm and content he felt. 

Toshinori was the first one to shift, looking up at Hizashi with bleary, but worried eyes, “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” If Hizashi thought his partners had been worried at the start of the day, it was nothing as to when he had finally gotten home and had been smothered in love and attention for the rest of the night. 

“Honestly? Like I could sleep for a couple of years, at least,” Hizashi said, smothering a yawn against Shouta’s shoulder, who gave a quiet chuckle. “Sorry you had to deal with all of that today, Toshi-”

“No apologies,” Toshinori cut off, giving him a stern look. “We all have our bad days, and I know you would do the same as I did today.” The man paused, face twitching towards amusement. “Actually, knowing you, you would go overboard with it.”

“He would and he will,” Shouta snorted, easily betraying Hizashi and the years of trust and love they had. Shouta at least softened the blow by moving to wrap an arm low around his waist, kissing at the edge of his jaw. “It always helps, though.”

The three lapsed back into silence, Hizashi closing his eyes for a moment as he listened to the soft sounds of their shifting and breathing. It felt like both a second and an eternity before he tilted his head towards Toshinori, resting against him with a soft sigh before he spoke, “It happened when I was a kid, but it was stopped by the time I got to U.A.” 

Shouta was still and quiet, but Hizashi felt Toshinori twitch against him before he was speaking, “You don’t have to explain anything to me, sweetheart, but I’ll gladly listen if you want to share.” God, Hizashi had gotten so fucking lucky when it came to the men he loved. 

“I know I don’t have to explain anything,” Hizashi said quietly, eyes fluttering shut and staying that way. Curled up between the two men he loved, he didn’t see the memories he loathed when he closed his eyes. He saw just them, warm and content and curled up together on the couch. “Besides, I don’t think I have to explain much to you. You probably already have most of it figured out, but to make a long story short… I had a villain’s quirk.”

“You had what they called a villains quirk,” Shouta said firmly, hugging Hizashi closer. “You’ve never had a villain’s quirk, ‘Zashi, because you’d never be a villain.” 

“Hey, now, I think I’d make a pretty decent villain,” Hizashi pouted, letting himself be tugged away from his memories as Shouta gave a sharp snort of laughter. “Hey, hey, I could be evil! I could be terrifying!”

“You’d start bar fights and still try to get cats out of trees,” Shouta shot back and, well… Hizashi wished he could say the man was wrong, but he probably would be like that as a ‘villain.’ “A nuisance at worst, but never evil.”

Hizashi grumbled before opening his eyes and turning back to look at Toshinori, who was looking at him with a soft smile. Hizashi couldn’t resist the urge to lean up and give him a soft kiss before he continued, “Right. Before Shouta so rudely interrupted, I had a quirk that they were afraid of. You’ve probably heard the stories, by now, yeah? Blew out the hearing of everyone in the delivery room when I was first born?”

“You’ve had your quirk since birth?” Toshinori blinked, looking surprised. “Huh. I’m afraid to say that I didn’t know that. Has your quirk always been this powerful, then?”

“Oh- Well.” Hizashi sat up, already recalling what he could remember about quirk theory and everything he had learned and looked up. “It’s actually pretty interesting! You see-”

“Off track,” Shouta interrupted, and, right. Hizashi could geek out about quirks and quirk theory later. Toshinori was stuck with them, after all, so it wasn’t like he could easily escape even if he wanted to.

“Right, right. Okay, so I had a quirk they were scared of that was pretty powerful, and, well…” Hizashi trailed off, giving a nervous shrug and a smile to match it. “What kid can perfectly control their quirk when they’re that young?”

Toshinori sighed, something old and deep as he hugged Hizashi closer, lips pressing against his cheek, “And so they forced control upon you themselves.”

“That’s the short of it,” Hizashi agreed, curling in closer and smiling when he felt one of Shouta’s hands lace their fingers together. “Kid with a voice quirk that’s activated by opening his mouth. I think it’s pretty obvious what happened from there.” It made him think of Shinsou and how the kid knew sign language so fluently all while having a voice-activated quirk that could control someone’s mind. He’d have to remember to see if he couldn’t find out more about the kid’s home life; just to be safe. “They made sure my mouth didn’t open.”

Toshinori nodded grimly, Hizashi sighing and continuing, “It’s not… When I have a bad day, like I did today, it’s usually not too bad these days. It’s phantom sensations for the first half of the day and then, when that’s over, it’s just words and memories that don’t matter anymore.” 

“If they still hurt you, then they matter,” Toshinori said softly, reaching a hand up to brush against Hizashi’s cheek. “They matter a hell of a lot. Is there any way to prevent these days from being too hard on you?” 

“Nah.” Hizashi shook his head, settling back in and reaching the perfect position for the utmost comfort. “These kinds of days don’t really… build, you know? They just sort of happen.” He wished there was build up and signs that let him know when to prepare for a day of hell, but, as of yet, there hadn’t been much way to tell until he woke up panting from a nightmare. The best they could figure was that stress could make them more frequent, and that wasn’t much to go on. “They’re sure as hell not easy, but I’ve learned to deal with them.”

“There is that, at least,” Toshinori laughed softly, relaxing more against him with a soft sigh, content to just rest in the quiet the three of them had made.

It was a quiet that Hizashi was all too happy to rest in, peeking his eyes open to see Shouta looked to have already fallen asleep. The man was slumped against the couch, body limp and mouth cracked open as he made soft snuffling sounds in his sleep. It was adorable enough that Hizashi didn’t bother fighting against the urge to take a couple of pictures once he dug his phone out, only stopping when he noticed he had messages waiting for him.

The most recent was from Nemuri, a quick, ‘Hey, we’re going out drinking this weekend. Don’t tell Shouta so we can kidnap him.’ The messages before were her typical check-ins and picture spams all designed to make him, if not at least feel better, than distract him from his thoughts.

The next messages were from Tensei, his typical nightly check-ins to make sure Hizashi wasn’t dead after a busy day. ‘Hey it’s 3-job day. Text me later so I know you lived. Oh, and Nemuri says we’re going out drinking this weekend. Bring All Might so I can threaten him into treating you two right.’ ‘I also need to make jokes before Nemuri can.’ ‘I at least show mercy and know when to quit.’

After that it was Tenya, a simple message that was dated for not long before the curfew of the dorms, ‘I hope you are resting well and doing better, Hizashi-nii-san. Please take care of yourself!’ Damn, the kid was so fucking sweet. Hizashi couldn’t wait until he graduated and dropped the stupid ‘Yamada-sensei’ bullshit he had been doing since he had been accepted into U.A..

The messages were shorter after that, but they were still all there. A picture from Shinsou that showed a cat high off catnip, a message from Shima that was just her being annoying as hell, a reminder from Ito to get his shit together and rest, and even a check-in from Suzuki that wavered between telling him he was going to die of stress in less than five years and giving him detailed updates on everything that was happening in the studio.

It was… They were all just… Hizashi didn’t know how to explain what he felt, but he knew he fucking loved every single person in his life who had his back.

“You know,” Toshinori spoke up, voice soft and sleepy, “You don’t have to deal with these kinds of days on your own.” He really, really didn’t. “I don’t know if it was different when you were younger, but you’re not on your own. You don’t have to deal with this yourself.” And Toshinori was… right.

This wasn’t back when he was a teenager who had just gotten into U.A. and was still frightened of anyone moving too fast or getting too close to him. This wasn’t back when his ‘bad days’ would end up with him screaming and crying to the point of seeing hallucinations, a teenage Shouta clutching onto him and keeping his quirk erased for hours at a time so he didn’t tear the whole block down.

“That so, huh?” Hizashi turned his head back towards Toshinori, looking up at him and feeling nothing but warm fuzziness filling him up from one end to the other. “Because you’re here?”

Toshinori barked a laugh at the tease, tugging Hizashi into a soft kiss before parting just enough to whisper a soft, “Because we are here.” As if in agreement, Shouta gave a loud snore, Hizashi burying his face to try and contain the wild burst of laughter that almost flew out of him. “Think you’ll be able to remember that sweetheart?”

“Trust me, Toshi, I don’t think I’ll be forgetting that anytime soon.” Because every single one of them had been there, in some way, to try and make his day better. It had been a bad day, and a hard one at that, but Hizashi had gotten through it just like he had all the ones before -- and all the ones he knew would come after.

Letting his eyes fall shut, Hizashi settled down in the warmth and quiet of the room, hearing nothing but his Toshinori’s soft breathing and Shouta’s sleepy mumbles and mutters; no whispers or words to be heard. It was just the three of them, home and safe and where they belonged. 

It was exactly where Hizashi wanted to be. 

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Liev Schreiber Birthday Special - Sabretooth, Kingpin, and The Storm King

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Liev Schreiber is quite an actor, one that I think it is sadly easy to overlook despite his talent at portraying villains or other morally dubious characters. From his integral role in the Scream movies to his later numerous villainous roles, he manages to show himself as a rather skilled and versatile actor, particularly in regards to the latter; Schreiber is easily able to slip into playing a villain and deliver a fantastic performance… most of the time anyway.

The date I’m posting this on (October 4, 2019) is his birthday, so we’re going to take a look at three of his biggest villain roles to date: 

Sabretooth from X-Men Origins 

The Storm King from My Little Pony: The Movie

Kingpin from Into the Spider-Verse 

The first is a great villain trapped in an awful movie; the second is an awful villain inside a fun and enjoyable movie; and the third is a great villain in an outstanding movie.

Motivation/Goals: Sabretooth is, in short, a psychopath. The guy lives for the thrill of battle, and is never satisfied unless he has someone to kill. He’s a predator, using the numerous wars he and his half-brother Logan fought in throughout history to sate his appetite, but it was never enough. Vietnam is when he really lost it, and soon after that his relationship with Logan became tarnished, leading to their numerous conflicts throughout the film. It’s rather simple, yet it’s effective. This is what we want from Sabretooth after all, a bloodthirsty, murderous psychopath who crosses every line imaginable and who just really wants to make Logan as miserable as possible.

The Storm King is kind of approaching dominating Equestria as if it were a business venture, complete with merchandise. Beyond that, he’s a bit of a one-note evil overlord, with none of the complex motivations and characterizations of the other antagonist of the film, Tempest Shadow. He’s just here for some quick laughs and to be the final boss in the third act.

Kingpin has my favorite motivation out of the entire lot: once when he was battling with Spider-Man, his wife and child walked in, and in fear and horror they fled, driving off only to be struck by a truck and killed. Kingpin then shoveled as much money as he could and hired the likes of Doc Ock and Green Goblin to help create a giant dimensional portal all so he could be reunited with his family. It’s such a tragic motive that adds layers of depth to Kingpin, and ultimately makes him an interesting foil for Miles, who decides to continue fighting so he can live up to those he loses (Peter and his uncle) while Kingpin cannot accept his loss or his responsibility and so decides to damn everyone else in his desperate struggle to undo the damage he himself caused.

Personality: Sabretooth is easily the most simple of the villains, in that he is just a completely unrepentant monster who revels in the fact he is a vicious, remorseless killer. Normally a villain like that would be boring and generic… but this is Sabretooth. This is what we want out of him. Add in his brotherly banter with Wolverine and his single-minded desire to ruin Logan’s life at every turn, and he just ends up being a really fun and engaging take on the character, with Schreiber injecting just the right amount of soft-spoken sadism and menace to make Victor Creed pants-crappingly terrifying.

Kingpin is a sleazy, scummy mob boss. He’s another seemingly simple character, but his design really helps show what kind of guy he is without telling us. This iteration of Wilson Fisk really plays up him being a mountain of a man, with him being a hulking behemoth with a very bulky design. Despite being a normal human, he looks like the kind of guy who could kill a superhuman with his bare hands. Despite all this, he does have sympathetic  (but, and this can’t be stressed enough, not redeeming) qualities, such as his love for his family and his single-minded desire to be reunited with them. Of course, this desire is what leads to most of the troubles in the film, so he does show the dangers of that sort of careless and reckless pursuit of a goal is a bad thing, no matter how noble it seems.

Final Fate: The Storm King is the only character out of these three with a clear-cut fate, and it goes a long way to redeeming how bland the character is due to how out-of-place and dark it seems in the world of Friendship is Magic. In short, he is turned to stone, and his statue is allowed to drop to the ground, where he shatters into pieces. By all accounts, he is dead, a fate that seems to befall all terrible Friendship is Magic villains (cough Sombra cough).

Kingpin is the most open-ended, as after Miles stops him and in true Spider-Man fashion strings him up for the police. This does open up the door for Kingpin to appear again, which is a plus. The final showdown beforehand is a lot more interesting. The beatdown he gets from Miles, where Miles gets up from the pummeling that killed Peter and delivering a confident “Hey” like his uncle taught him right on Kingpin’s shoulder, sending him flying back to shut down his dimensional portal really is an  awesome moment for the film and Miles in general.

Sabretooth… it really is impossible to say. He apparently makes it out of this film alive, but Schreiber’s Sabretooth is so disconnected from the one who appears later in the timeline (mostly on the token that Schreiber’s take is actually good and memorable) that it’s impossible what to say happened to him. Further muddying the waters is the numerous canon retcons to the timeline as shown in films like Days of Future Past, which altered the timeline in baffling ways such as causing people to be born earlier than they would have been, and then there’s the deleted idea for his cameo in Logan… Really, there’s no telling what exactly Happened to Victor Creed, as the X-Men series is such an utter mess.

Best Scene: Sabretooth has a few, such as the awesome opening montage where he and his brother fight through multiple wars, but perhaps the best part is when he and Wolverine team up to kill that awful thing pretending to be Deadpool. The real Deadpool would beat them to the punch much later in Deadpool 2, but hey, at least he knew what had to be done when he had the chance.

Kingpin’s is almost definitely the scene where he kills Peter, which shows him going through a shocking amount of emotion, but there’s also the flashback to his family’s demise or even that moment on the train where he becomes a lifetime achiever in the Pontoffel Pock Awards by screwing up in every conceivable reality imaginable and disturbing an entire multiverse worth of his family in his quest to murder Miles. Few people screw up on that epic of a scale.

The Storm King… I don’t know. He’s kinda scary in his final battle? Maybe when he plays with the sun and the moon? Nothing really stands out for him super well, because quite frankly he is massively overshadowed by Tempest Shadow, who has the honor of getting the villain song of the movie. And let me be completely frank: if you are a villain in a musical, and you don’t get a song, you suck. Period.

Best Quote: For Sabretooth, it has to be this quote that really sums up who he is: “I'm not your friend. I'm an animal, who dreamed he was a man. But the dream is over. And the beast is awake. And I will come for you without mercy, because it's my nature.”

Kingpin is a little trickier, because Wilson Fisk is a man of actions, rather than words; I feel like he doesn’t have too many great quips, but he has a plethora of awesome actions. However, I DO enjoy his intro, where Schreiber just kills it with the delivery and establishes Fisk right off the bat as one hell of a crime boss: “Doo-be do. Doo-be do. Yub-yub, doo-bee do, doo-bee-do. Watch out! Here comes the Spider-Man! You like my new toy? Cost me a fortune, but hey, can't take it with you, right? You came all this way. Watch the test. It's a hell of a frickin' light show, you're gonna love this.”

For Storm King… well, this is kind of a funny line: “Here's the deal. I'm in the middle of a big rebrand here. "The Storm King" is tracking, well, as "intensely intimidating", but you know what? I need to back it up. You know what I need to back it up with? A STORM! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! You promised me magic that could control the elements, and right now, I'm holding a what? A branch. A twig. Bleh!” Kind of a reach, but I think he does have some decent comedic moments here and there, and his initial, er, phone call with Tempest is charming enough.

Final Thoughts & Score: These guys are really all over the place, but I think they really showcase Schreiber’s talents very well, as well as how to use him effectively.

Sabretooth is easily the best villain out of this bunch. While X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a terrible, bloated mess of a film, Sabretooth is one of the few redeeming factors, with Schreiber turning in a wonderfully terrifying performance as Logan’s arch-enemy. It’s frankly insulting they never had him come back to the franchise, because he was certainly far more deserving of a comeback than someone like Jennifer Lawrence. At least with Schreiber it was clear he cared about the character, which is more than can be said for whoever played the original Sabretooth (a character who is not even worth a Psycho Analysis; there’s just nothing to talk about there).

Really, the only major issues with Sabretooth are the fact that he’s in the bottom of the barrel when it comes to the X-Men franchise and the writing doesn’t do him many favors, but Schreiber is just acting his butt off to the point where it doesn’t matter, he’s selling it, he’s giving us the Sabretooth even the “better” first X-Men movie couldn’t deliver, and he seriously earns that 9/10. It should come as no shock that his take on Victor Creed is the one thing besides Ryan Reynolds fans truly love about the film.

Contrast the Storm King, who is just a depressing waste of potential. The prequel comics set him up to be something far more fascinating than what we get in the movie; he goes from a silly yet cunning overlord to a comical goober who barely gets any screentime, accomplishes half of his evil actions offscreen, and just leaves very little impression on the audience. Not helping is that he is by and large one of the biggest idiots ever seen in the Friendship is Magic franchise, backstabbing his own loyal followers for no good reason and basically playing with his hand revealed. It’s pretty telling that his henchwoman Tempest Shadow is the one who gets the villain song of the film (which, as I’ve pointed out, is a sign that he really, really sucks as a villain) and who is far more memorable, enjoyable, and interesting.

All that being said, I do appreciate the sentiment of the character, and I do like that Schreiber did it so his kids could watch something with him in it that wouldn’t make them scared out of their minds, and I don’t necessarily think Storm King is one of the most horrible villains ever or anything – he’s just boring and a waste of potential. I’d say he just barely makes it to a 3/10, and that’s mostly because he does have some amusing moments and how bad he is is offset by Tempest Shadow being such a fantastic antagonist; if she wasn’t in the movie, he’d easily be a low 2 and a lot less forgivable. That does seem kind of weird, but I think with a villain like Storm King where he’s just a simple goofball being played by a talented actor isn’t so bad as long as there’s an actual, serious antagonist. It doesn’t exactly make him any better but it keeps him from sinking to the rating of soomeone like Jared Leto’s Joker.

Kingpin is, quite simply, fantastic. I love his design, I love his motivation, I love how he just commands the scene when he walks into the room. This guy is just peak villain design, story-wise and design-wise. Some have taken umbrage with the fact that Kingpin is the one who got to kill Peter rather than a more personal foe like Norman Osborn, but frankly I like that they took a unique approach and decided to utilize a more unexpected foe of Spidey’s.

I think what’s best about Kingpin is just how they manage to make him a rather tragic and pitiable figure despite all the evil he does. Normally it would be a tall order to make the man who murders Peter Parker a tragic figure, but somehow the film manages, showing him to be a bitter, broken man desperately clinging to the tiny hope he could ever see his family again by destroying the dimensional barriers, no matter the cost. And if someone tries to tell him otherwise? Kill ‘em. Obviously this doesn’t excuse his actions, and the movie thankfully never pretends to, but I like that they made this Kingpin such a rich character in his own right, continuing the trend of Kingpin always being given a fantastic performance. Much like Sabretooth, Schreiber really earns the 9/10 with this fantastic vocal performance and just how impactful and even proactive Kingpin is in the story. He gets two major deaths to his name after all.

Liev Schreiber is such a fascinating actor, one who I think is so often overlooked and ignored. While he certainly is typecast as villains fairly often, I think it’s safe to say he excels at those kinds of roles, and he always manages to inject something unique into his roles. You wouldn’t confuse any of these three villains for each other after all.

[lenfaz]

Sea Squad, ch. 13 (13/14)

Summary: Killian Jones has always managed tough spots in his con life… but never like this one. His brother is out of jail and convinced the only way to win his name back is to heist the casino of a major Vegas mogul, leaving Killian to do the planning. He now has to deal with a half-brother desperate to gain a name of his own, an ex-fling that carries her own torch against the casino mogul, his brother losing his mind over his ex-wife,  his former mentor’s depression and the one woman he can’t get out of his mind giving him chase. Ocean’s Eleven AU

Rating: M

Content warnings: semi-explicit sexual content, law-breaking (they are thieves, liars and con men), mild violence (someone will get punched), mention of former relationships (for the main pair) and cheating (but not for the main pair)

Banner (link to banner post) and art by the amazing @clockadile Go check her art tag for the fic here!

This fic would never exist without the wonderful @sambethe who convinced me to do over hot chocolate on one cold Chicago afternoon and virtually held my hand and betaed this fic for months. thank you SO much for everything you do.

A/N: A long time ago there was talk about Hook & his sea friends and a few collective posts shaped the idea of a Sea Squad. This fic is the attempt to bring that creativity to life. Tagging @queen-mabs-revenge   @thesschesthair   and @jvosketches as they were part of that initial thinking back in the day. If a few things sound familiar, it’s because they are based on the movie.

Link to  FFnet & AO3

on tumblr: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8  9 10 11 12

Chapter 13

I did something stupid back in the day, lad… and while trying to fix it, I might have uncovered something that I’m not sure if you wanted to know.

Now, we don’t have time and I know everyone thinks I’ll make it. But just in case… if you want to know who you are, Henry… talk to Smee, lad. Tell him to show you what we found out.

Anton’s punch to his gut pulled Killian from his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, he grunted and slammed his fist against the floor, holding onto the pain. His face had remained almost unscathed, nothing but a small bruise along his left cheekbone and another on his jaw. As much as he wanted to preserve it completely, he knew Gold wouldn’t buy it if his face was unscathed.

The door opened while he lay on the floor, and Killian closed his eyes for a brief second, playing the part of a beaten-up rival. His hand moved to hold onto his ribs, grunting in pain.

“Get him up,” Gold ordered, and his two goons moved to follow orders, pulling Killian up without any consideration to his possible wounds. Once again, Killian mustered all his energy to play his part. Lifting his head, he met Gold’s eyes. His suit jacket was askew, his shirt untucked, and a couple of buttons were missing. His pants had dust marks all over them. Tilting his head to the side, Killian smiled at Gold, wincing at the very last minute to show pain.

“Gold, I didn’t think you’d grace me with your presence. Not when you had such a wonderful host tending to my every need.” He spat on the floor - a mix of saliva and blood. Anton had been gentle, but the man was a still a half-giant with a steel punch. “Tell me, how is the other fight going? It is as fixed as this one?”

“Did you have a hand in this?” Gold scrutinized his face, his eyes drilling a hole on Killian’s forehead.

“A hand in what?” Killian moved his eyes around room, working to appear as if he were assessing the space. “Your wife? You know I did.”

The punch came from his left, one of Gold’s goons hitting his cheekbone and making Killian see stars. He moved his jaw left and right. He deserved that one, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d say it again if the opportunity arise.

“I’m going to ask you one more time, dearie.” Gold leaned on his cane, his mouth twisting in a grimace. “Did you have a hand in this?”

“Gold, I have no bloody clue what you’re talking about.” Killian spat the words, ensuring he was delivering them with the appropriately frustrated tone. “I’ve been locked up in here, a room with no view I might add, my body getting closely acquainted with the fists of your roughneck.”

Silence stretched between them, feeling the room with a thick air of anticipation as Killian waited and waited some more, his face devoid of any emotion except confusion, pain, and tiredness. He was pulling out all the stops on this one. It would make Nemo proud if he could see him. But alas, no cameras in this room.

Finally, Gold tilted his head, his face contorting into a condescending smile. “Fine. You’re free to go, Mr. Jones.” He moved to address his man. “Show him out. We have work to do.”

Killian made a show of buttoning his shirt back up and tugging at the lapels of his jacket before he made to follow the men out of the room. One more step down, only a few more to go.

He needed to give the delivery of his lifetime and he needed to do it at the appropriate time in the appropriate place.

After all, it was all about the setting.

/-/

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Emma asked the question for what felt like the eleventh time, although it truthfully was only the third or fourth. A duffel bag laid open on the bed and a suitcase already stood by the entrance. Her packing was almost done. She hadn’t brought much - part of always being on the road or on the run meant you got used to living with only carrying the essentials - and she was finishing arranging her toiletries in her bag.

She’d been in Belle’s suite when she’d received the call from Gold. It hadn’t taken her by surprise. The moment the power went out, Emma knew her chances with Gold were gone. And if she were honest with herself, Emma knew the moment she didn’t inform Gold that she’d spotted Killian Jones lurking around his casino, she’d made her choice. And now she had to live with it. Belle had gone with her to Emma’s room and was currently pacing back and forth.

“I don’t want you to get into trouble.” She pulled the sides of her cardigan sweater tight over her frame, averting her eyes.

“I don’t care about being in trouble, Belle.”

“I’m sorry, Emma” Belle was on the verge of tears. “Robert, he sometimes-”

Emma closed the distance between them and laid a comforting hand on Belle’s arm. “Hey, hey. You’re not responsible for what Gold does. Or Liam, or any of them for that matter.” She smiled, an idea coming to her. “Belle why don't’ you come with me? What are you going to do here anyway?” She didn’t want to leave Belle alone - or at the mercy of Gold if he figured out who was behind the robbery. It wasn’t just that she’d promised Killian, it was that Belle didn’t deserve to be caught in the crossfire.

Belle shook her head, pursing her lips. “I can’t… not yet. I just I need time to think.”

Emma kept her voice gentle. “Think about what?”

“Whether or not I can trust him again.”

Emma didn’t ask which him Belle meant, because by the frazzled look in her eyes, she wasn’t sure even Belle herself knew. She only knew she couldn’t leave her here in this state.

“How about a cup of tea before I go?” Before Belle had time to protest, Emma shrugged her shoulder. “Look if Gold wants to time my exit and remove me forcefully, so be it. I’m a big girl, I can take it.”

Belle pondered her words for a moment before she gave Emma a small smile. “Let me get the Keurig settled.” She stepped out of the bedroom and moved into the living room. Emma quickly shut her duffel bag and grabbed it. She was about to leave the room when her phone rang. The screen read Unknown Number. Her heart beating frantically on her chest, Emma took the call.

“Hello?”

The voice that spoke sounded tiny, like it was far, far away. “Turn to channel 88. Make sure Belle is watching.”

Reaching for the remote, and fearing the worst, Emma turned on the TV. The image on the screen and the little piece of sound she was able to catch had Emma quickly raising her voice as she called for Belle.

“Belle, come here! You might want to ditch the tea and bring some alcohol instead.”

/-/

We’re all set.

Those words were exactly what Killian had been waiting for as he slowly walked down the hallway, dragging his feet a little in an effort to show he’d been beaten to a pulp by Anton.

He lifted his head and spoke into the emptiness ahead of him. “What happened tonight? Did you get robbed or something?”

Gold’s reply from the other side of the hall came almost immediately. “Stop.”

Stopping in his tracks, Killian bent his head as he turned around, hiding his smirk. When he finally looked up, Gold was in his face.

“I am going to give you one more time to come forward, dearie. Where is my money?”

“Are you willing to make a deal for it, Gold?” Killian waited for two seconds, letting the words sink in and peak Gold’s interest. “What if I tell you that you can get your money back if you give up Belle?”

Gold raised his eyebrows and twisted his lips in a grimace. “Belle, huh?”

Killian shrugged. “What can I say? My brother still loves her. They were happy together.” Meeting his eyes directly, Killian dropped the affable mask. “You and I both know the only reason you went after her was because you knew it’d bring my brother pain. And therefore, it would bring me pain.”

Gold didn’t even flinch, his smile turning into something evil and maniac. “Oh yes, I intended to make you suffer. I still do.”

“Careful there. You need me if you want to get your money back. So why don’t we try that again?”

Gold hesitated and Killian knew he was weighing in on his options. Was his hatred for Killian and his family so deep that he’d risk never seeing his hundreds of millions again? Killian wasn’t going to give the man too much time to make a decision. “Do we have a deal, Gold?”

“Fine.” Gold huffed and Killian allowed himself a tiny smile. It would be out of character if he didn’t at least show some satisfaction about one-upping his nemesis.

“I know some people. I made a few new contacts while teaching celebrities to play poker in L.A. Give me a few days, I’ll find out who has your money.”

Gold wasn’t impressed, not in the least. He clenched his jaw and Killian had to bite his tongue to keep the smile off from his face. “I will hunt you down, dearie. This is not over. I can still make you suffer.”

Killian adjusted the lapels of his suit. “That threat got old a few years ago, and you’ve burnt more than your fair share of bridges since then. Especially with the people you’d hired to hunt me down last time. Such a tricky thing, not paying your debts.” Killian paused and shot him a small grin. “And let’s face it, anyone else you can think of hiring to hurt me and my brother like us more than they like you. So unless you’re willing to get your own hands dirty, which we know you aren’t, you’re left with no other choice."

Gold’s eye twitched and for a moment there, Killian thought he was going to punch him. But in the end, he simply gave Killian a dark look before turning to one of his security guards. “Call the police. Alert them of Liam Jones possibly breaking his parole, as I’m sure he’s nearby, and turn Mr. Jones here into their custody. He was acting suspiciously on casino grounds.”

Well, that was nothing that a little charm and some bail money couldn’t fix. And Killian had both in spades now. He let the guard walk him to the casino lobby. As he was being escorted, the ding of the elevator made him turn his head just in time to see Emma and Belle quickly making their way out of the hotel, carrying a suitcase and travel bag between them. They were close to the entrance when Ursula approached them.

As he waited for the police to show up, Killian couldn’t hide his smile. Belle and Emma clearly had gotten the message.

All was well.

Almost.

[grapehyasynth]

AOS Rewatch, Part 9

2x03

JEMMA WE HAVE JEMMA

The cheery little opening with Jemma’s morning routine is a fun little tidbit but also does not seem to match her reality at all? Like yes it’s meant to fool the audience into thinking she left SHIELD and is super happy but she’s alone in this sequence, not putting on a good face for Hydra, so it’s actually quite disingenuous

Hunter in his tiny tanktop. lol I wonder how much the men volunteer to show off their arms and how much is Ann Foley doing God’s work

Jemma carries a gun in her purse and the Hydra security guards were okay with it? Also, our baby Jemma carries a gun in her purse now!

She has a bunch of fancy hats hanging in the hallway of her apartment -- I want to know more

Jemma: “it’s been a tad lonely”

Coulson says Jemma is “very likeable” (thx dad)

I want to know if Fitz knew already/this early where Jemma was -- did he suspect?

Fitz calls Jemma “Jemma”, not “Simmons,” in an official briefing

Jemma likes happy hour and karaoke

Hydra’s black lab coats (in contrast to SHIELD’s white ones) are a  bit on the nose

Jemma may be becoming a better liar, but she does the not-breaking-eye-contact thing that Ward called Skye out for as a tell

Fitz is really sensitive to people keeping things from him (a natural human reaction, I think, but made that much worse by many events from last season)

imaginary Jemma speaks for Fitz’s rational side

Omg. The Fitz scenes with Ward. I can’t. Iain’s acting. I die. We all die.

Does anyone actually believe Ward was trying to save Fitzsimmons?

Jemma: “Fitz is very hard to impress”

Just hearing “nice work Fitz” from Coulson probably did so much good for our boy

Skye claims SHIELD is different from Hydra because they wouldn’t take an asset out, but that’s exactly what they do with Donnie, on Coulson’s orders...

There’s no way Donnie would’ve fallen overboard from that show -- the angle (his height, the height of the side of the ship) is all wrong

May believes in Simmons -- “She can handle it. She’s good” (love the contrast to beginning of S1 when May/everyone was like damn these two kids didn’t even pass their field test)

Fitz: “I’m not a killer” -- REMEMBER THIS IN TWO AND A HALF YEARS MMKAY?

I love that Fitzsimmons both asked about each other and were not at all subtle with their emotions even as they tried to be slick

2x04

First of all, solid ep all around

I love watching Hunter be the smooth man undercover. His flirting, his kissing, his little wink to Skye!

I think we *all* love this undercover ep with Philinda

I always think of the BTS picture of Ming and Clark practicing the dance on the deck of a ship

Coulson isn’t wearing a tie and went for a few buttons undone -- bold!

Hunter first met Bobbi on a spring night on a pier

Fitz at May flirting: “That’s alarming”

“Maybe Talbot is still pissed because we kidnapped him that one time”

I also always think of the gag reel portion of Ming and Clark pretending to make out in the elevator

So much messy tuck going on in this episode

Hunter with the soccer ball on the plane -- I want scenes of him and Fitz playing and getting yelled at. I want BTS of Nick and Iain fooling around with it between scenes.

Mack: “All my exes are awesome”

Hunter, Mack, and Trip all know each other’s past a bit (Hunter knows Mack’s romantic history, the ex with quinoa) so it’s strange to me that they never mention Bobbi by name. Obviously, again it’s meant to keep the audience in the dark, but it rings false

“You hate being alone” imaginary Jemma says -- this is SO IMPORTANT to Fitz’s characterization, how we as an audience see and understand him, how we write him -- Fitz is often written (including by me) as a recluse, but that’s more something that shows up in him after the pod, and still seemingly against his will. He likes people, he wants to be with them. He just struggles.

Fitz calling the lab “our place” <3

“Where are you based?” “Currently? About five feet away from kicking your ass.” May. Just -- what a queen.

Coulson would tap May as the next director

Fitz looks so earnest and desperate as he wishes to join in on socializing

I love Coulson outing fake May. “May hates coffee.”

May frees herself and kicks multiple asses- I repeat, what a queen.

I love the team helping Fitz fill in the blanks as they try to fix the plane. They’re eager to help him, to include him -- or maybe they’re just aware of their dangerous situation

Coulson about the 2 Mays: “I can’t believe I’m the only one seeing this right now”

You can see in one shot that it’s Ming’s stunt double, but on the whole it’s impressively seamless

Hunter does one thing and then says “Is that it? Is the plane fixed now?”

I would watch a whole hour (or a whole series) of just Nick and Iain, in character or not.

God their adorable high-five.

Hunter reaching out to Fitz with the beer <3

I love the codependence in Fitzsimmons’s relationship but I also think it’s very healthy for them to have other friends so I love the scenes with Fitz and his bros

���Moving on” -- Fitz clearly doesn’t believe himself

I can’t help thinking of the outtake of Nick salaciously licking his overflowing bottle

May has a cabin in the Australian Outback and Coulson likes kangaroos. Noted.

2x05

Another solid ep all around.

Hunter’s look of delight when Skye challenges Coulson

Poll: Do you say oh-belisk or ah-belisk? (for obelisk)

Kyle Maclachlan’s delivery of “I’m a man trying to put my family back together” is excellent

I love Fitz acknowledging that Mack is quite a man -- whether it’s him projecting what he imagines Jemma would think or thinking it for himself, it’s a nice intricacy

The whole “I still miss her” convo <3

“Shut up Ward” -- why don’t more people say that?

So the writing, essentially, is a way for the obelisk/terrigenesis/Inhuman gene/whatever to propagate? When it doesn’t succeed in a host (like people who aren’t Inhuman, like Coulson and Garrett), it needs to find a viable host and uses the writing to guide candidates there?

I’m curious what city Jemma’s supposed to be in

QUEEEEEENNNN BOBBBBIIIIIIIIIII

Did Jemma move the secret communique or did Bobbi? Either way, v slick

The first time I watched this, I definitely didn’t think Bobbi would be SHIELD. One of my favorite surprise reveals

I wonder if Jemma’s new, darker wardrobe was meant to be a reflection of her emotional state or of her trying to go under the radar at Hydra

lol that they sent at least four men in full TAC gear and helmets to grab Jemma

BOBBI AND HER FREAKING BATONS AND HAIRFLIP

And Jemma’s reaction to the aforementioned is perfect

Hunter: “So is this a group hug type situation?”

I feel like Hunter’s drinking is emphasized too heavily with no follow-through

I love Jemma rambling

OH GOD MY CHILDREN REUNITING

HE CALLS HER SIMMONS AND SHE LOOKS DEVASTATED BY THAT AND HIS SLIGHTLY TERRIFIED RESPONSE AND HER CLENCHED HANDS I DIE

I love the Bobbi/Mack friendship

I love Hunter but I really really love him being flummoxed by Bobbi

Trip knew Bobbi but not that she was Hunter’s ex?

I’m still amazed they got Kyle Maclachlan for this. He’s such a powerhouse.

2x06

I enjoy Scarlotti (the mohawked fake-SHIELD guy) -- he always reminded me of an evil Hunter

lol at the Grumpy Cat mug. There’s gotta be a backstory to why they included that. That was like a full ten or twenty second bit. Why?

The backdrop for the Belgian ambassador or whatever is a quaint little town -- he’d probably be in a city

Jemma’s trying so hard to act normal. Fitz’s adoration for her is so blatant. It’s so hard to know what to feel for these two, to know what they need. To be fair, if someone looked at me that openly worshiping, I’d probably be terrified, especially if I felt like they also hated me for leaving them

Ugh their dynamics are so complex. He accepts Mack helping him/finishing his sentences, but he gets upset when Jemma does it, even though they used to for years. Jemma, meanwhile, is overcompensating, walking on eggshells, not sure where they stand.

Hunter is so thrown off by Bobbi I LOVE IT

The Huntingbird “Don’t die out there” ritual <3

Hunter: “excuse me for doing my job thoroughly. and with style.”

Huntingbird is such a power couple

Poor May having to babysit Huntingbird; Mack has to babysit Fitzsimmons

Fitz says SO MUCH to her it’s amazing. “You gave up on me”, “You think i’m useless”, “I needed you”, “For all I know you could’ve--” -- I wish they’d had a chance/been forced to really talk

I still don’t know the truth of the Ward brothers/the well, but maybe that’s the point

Jemma brings 2 mugs, trying to reach out to Fitz, willing to accept that it’ll take work. And the way he looks when he sees her, the way he says hi -- there’s still hope

“I thought we were rebuilding trust, Coulson” -- lol you’re delusional, Ward

Hunter stalling at the safe house and May and Bobbi crashing in is so amazing

Bobbi and Hunter with the simultaneous leg sweep

Scarlotti’s knife rope seems really inefficient

Adrianne Palicki was born to be a superhero -- with her casual baton twirls and her suit, she’s so set

Jemma is trying so hard, in her own way -- giving Fitz the space she thinks he needs, going instead to Mack to thank him for being Fitz’s friend

The tears in Jemma’s eyes when she says “I know, why do you think I left?”

I’m so glad Mack and Jemma eventually get a resolution to this tension and have that lovely conversation in 3B, but UGH my heart.

Christian Ward says “At first I was ashamed” and I fully expect him to continue “...I WAS PETRIFIED”

“Tell Skye this doesn’t change anything” you’re such a gross man Ward

[kindaangelic]

Brother Dearest, or Damian's Bonding with Tim

Bruce looked ponderingly at his youngest son, who was placidly milking Batcow in the corner of the cave. In all the time that he had been living with Bruce and his children, Damian had only managed to forge meaningful relationships with his animals, who loved him unconditionally and showered him with affectionate nuzzles, and Dick, who loved him unconditionally, and- Oh. Perhaps there was a pattern to this, Bruce mused, as he watched Dick cuddle up to Tim on the medical cot, squishing the younger boy as he curled himself around him like a snake. “Dick, don't smother your brother,” Bruce called. “Let him rest, he's sick.” Tim gave a sad sniffle as Dick slunk off to go and cuddle Jason instead. That could only end in tears, Bruce thought to himself, watching Dick slide closer, panther-like, to a recalcitrant Jason. Bruce directed his attention back to Damian, who was scoffing quietly at Tim’s pained moans, and frowned. This lack of empathy simply would not do. Bruce resolved to do something about Damian’s behavior towards Tim, but in the meantime, he took a moment to watch Dick try and fail in his efforts to snuggle Jason. ------------ It was late at night - or very early in the morning - as Bruce watched Damian putter around the Batcave in his too-long Gotham University t-shirt, courtesy of Dick. Bruce waited for Damian to walk a little closer before snagging his youngest and plopping him down on his lap. “Father! Have you been afflicted by Grayson’s ridiculous urge to “have hugsies”!? Release me at once!” “Not until I've said my piece,” Bruce hummed, adjusting Damian on his lap. “Now listen carefully, Damian, what I'm about to tell you is very important.” Damian perked up and sat at attention, eager to absorb whatever pearl of wisdom Bruce was about to impart. “You've been Dick’s Robin for some time now, and mine as well. You're doing a good job, and so I would like to give you some more delicate responsibilities,” Bruce said, then paused for dramatic effect. “It is your responsibility to look after not only the animals, but also your siblings, specifically Tim.” Damian made to scoff, but Bruce cut him off, “Your old father won't be here forever, and you know that Tim is sick. He tends to work himself to the edge, and I can't help but worry about what will happen to him once I'm gone.” Bruce let his words sink in, and felt a little guilty at how Damian’s eyes widened at the mention of his inevitable mortal death. “Robin holds the family together, he or she always has,” Bruce added. “Starting with Dick, then Jason, until the Legacy passed down to you. Dick only had me to take care of, but you have your brother as well. So Damian,” Bruce said, meeting his son’s wide eyes, “will you do it? Can I count on you to take care of Tim when I'm old and decrepit? Forever?” Damian squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. “I will,” he said firmly. “I will care for everyone, including Drake. He will know a love so fierce that he will learn to submit to my tender ministrations!” Bruce frowned at Damian’s war cry, but decided that it would have to do for now. ----------- Tim roused himself from the clutches of sleep, sniffling to clear his blocked nose. He rubbed his gritty eyes and forced them open, only to reveal poisonous green eyes looking right into his. “Agh!” Damian held up a pot of tea and a handful of Strepsils, and said, “Take these, Drake.” Tim hiked his blankets up to his chin in response, looking at the strained expression on Damian’s face. “What at you dong with your face?” “I'm smiling,” Damian hissed through (what Tim imagined were) his fangs. “Oh my god, why, you evil gnome?” The “smile” grew wider. “Because I love and care for you. Now,” Damian whispered sinisterly, “take your medicine, Drake.” “AAGH!” ---------- Tim ran upstairs two at a time, tears obscuring his vision. He had just argued with Conner about his unhealthy (it was not) intake of coffee, which resulted in Conner calling him a hopeless addict and declaring that coffee would lead to his downfall and that he would not catch Tim when he inevitably fell. This had resulted in Tim slapping his mouthy boyfriend and running out of Titans Tower all the way back to Wayne Manor, where he could drown himself in a pot of coffee and Dick’s All Purpose Hugs for Family and Friends. This was how Damian found his brothers, with Tim sobbing into Dick’s stomach, and clutching a bag of coffee beans to his chest. “How c-could he s-say that to me? After all the t-t-times he was upset about Clark, and L-Lex, and I calmed him down?” “I know, I know,” Dick sympathized, and imparted the age old bit of wisdom that Bruce had once imparted to him, “All men are dogs, and he doesn't deserve you.” Hidden behind the wall, Damian simmered with rage. If Drake cried himself sick, then he would make the clone pay. It was time for preemptive measures. ----------- Later that afternoon, Tim received a delivery of a bouquet of roses and a note that read: “Dearest Drake, I apologize for my inexcusable behavior with the hopes that you will see fit to forgive me. Please do not cry yourself into an early grave, for if you do, I shall exile myself to a life of misery in the far reaches of outer space, living with your memory as my only companion. Much emotion and mouth kisses unto you. Yours, The Clone.” Tim stared at the note in abject horror, before inspecting the roses, only to fling them away when he noticed that they were a pitch black colour with a crudely (creepily) drawn cardboard smiley face stuck to them that was saying “I LOVE YOU DRAKE” in a speech bubble. Tim’s resultant shriek was Damian’s indication that the plan had not been successful. ----------- With his original plan in shambles, Damian headed to Titans Tower. He strode inside, stopping when he got to Conner. Conner looked down at the tiny Robin in surprise, and was further shocked when he was yanked down to his eye level by his shirt. “Listen here, Clone,” Damian hissed, “If Drake succumbs to illness because you have caused him distress, I will skin you alive and present your pelt to him to have stuffed and use as target practice. You will make amends immediately, do you understand me?” He demanded, brandishing his favourite knife. Conner went cross-eyed as he nodded while trying to keep the blade in sight. “Good,” Damian said, satisfied. “You will now thank me for saving your relationship with Drake. Though he is the least of us, he is still far out of your league. Come to think of it, we Waynes are out of everyone’s league,” he muttered to himself. Conner continued to stare, dumbfounded, as Damian waited for his undying gratitude. “Bah, you're as dull as an ameboa,” Damian huffed. “Make amends quickly, Clone, I don't want to have failed in my mission because of you.” With that, Damian left, returning to Wayne Manor where he was anticipating Tim’s praise and everlasting worship. ------------ How wrong he was. “Damian,” Bruce said, discomfort written across his face, “come here.” Damian went to Bruce with his head held high, and smirked at Tim who was partially hidden behind Bruce. “Ah, Drake, you're here. Are you going to profess your undying love and worship for me now? It's to be expected, after all, I've been taking such good care of you.” Tim cried in horror as Bruce hid his face in his hands. “You see!?” Tim shrieked, “He's lost his mind! He wants me to love him!” “Of course I do! It is only natural, given my tender care of your person!” “AAGH!” “Damian-” Bruce started, but was cut off by Dick and Jason charging into the room. “League of Assassins spotted on top of the Gotham Metro! They're wreacking havoc in the city!” Bruce gave his younger sons a stern look before ordering them to go and suit up, hoping that Damian’s new obsession over Tim would not be a roadblock in their fight for justice. “Careful, Drake, don't take your old grappling hook,” Damian said earnestly, cutting into Bruce’s thoughts. “Here, use mine.” “BRUCE!” “Yes, yes, tell Father about my caring nature. I'm sure he'll be proud of me.” Bruce shook his head in despair and went to face the horrors of the night, which were infinitely better than the horrors in his house. ------------ “Damian, my Little Beloved, join us,” Talia purred for the millionth time. The fight had concluded, with the assassins having been dispatched by the Bats, and only Talia was left standing. “You belong with the League, it is your destiny!” “Mother, I cannot simply neglect my other responsibilities,” Damian huffed. “I am Robin, I have to look after so many things! I have Gotham, my cat, my dog, my cow, my Drake!” “AAAGGH!” Everyone turned to see Tim flying away as fast as he could, as Dick, Jason, and the wounded assassins collapsed from laughter. Talia looked questioningly at Damian, who only smirked. “My plans must be working, he's probably retiring early to get on a regular sleep schedule. Health is wealth, isn't it Mother? Mother?” Damian asked questioningly as Talia collapsed in fits of laughter as well. Bruce groaned, picking up his wayward children and making his way home. ----------- “Bruce, do something! It's not right, we’re brothers!” “Tim...” “I can't believe Dami has a crush! Awww!” “Shut up, Dick!” “Yes, shut up, son,” Bruce grumbled. “Oh my god,” Jason chimed in, “all that time he spent ‘hating’ Tim was just pulling his pigtails!?” “AWWW!” Bruce silenced his unhelpful children with a patented BatDad Glare (TM) and faced an angry Tim once more. “Tim, I know...” “He sent me flowers pretending to be Kon! He threatened Kon and made him cry! He made me tea! What the heckity heck Bruce!?!” Bruce hung his head. “I'm to blame for this,” he declared defeatedly. “Damian, come down here, please,” Bruce called, which had his youngest skittering into to the cave. “Yes, Father?” “Damian,” Bruce breathed heavily, “I think you may have misinterpreted the specifics of what I told you. When I asked you to take care of Tim-” “It wAS yOu!?” Tim yelled, horrified. “-I meant it in a brotherly fashion. I don't intend for you to care for him...incestuously.” Damian wrinkled his nose and stepped back in horror. “Father, how could you?” He demanded, aghast. “I would never! I have only been caring for Drake because you told me that he was infirm and that I must shower him with attention to make sure he stays healthy! I've been planning and plotting all to make sure that Dake stays in good mental and physical health!” The cave was silent after Damian’s defense of his actions. Finally, Tim roused himself enough to ask, “That explains the tea. What about the flowers and your creepy card, pretending to be Kon?” “I didn't think that you would see through the pretense,” Damian admitted, surprised. “You were weeping like a lovestruck fool, and I was concerned that you would cry yourself to the point of sickness, or be compromised in the field. The pretense was to snap you out of your mood. If left to me, I would advise you that the Clone is not worthy of a Wayne, and that you should discard him immediately. I would much rather you dated a worthy ally or even a foe, or better yet, remain celibate. Clearly, your romantic choices of Fatgirl and the Clone show your impaired ability to judge people.” Tim stared at Damian with wide eyes for several seconds before deflating. “So you were just...” “I was trying to fulfill the mission that Father has set for me! I shall not fail!” Tim burst out laughing maniacally and swooped Damian up into a hug. “Oh thank Satan! You don't have a crush on me! You're just socially maladjusted!” Dick and Jason looked disappointed that their ideas for their own family soap opera had not panned out, and sulked while Damian spluttered in Tim’s embrace. “Damn,” Jason huffed, “The Bold and the Batty just got cancelled. Guess I’ll have to start thinking of a script for my new family soap opera.” “Jason, your siblings do not exist for your entertainment,” Bruce growled. “Ah!” Jason gasped, as inspiration hit him. “But you do! In the next season of B.A.T.M.A.N., stay tuned as Bruce and Ollie get it on in a drunken one night stand! What will the batkids think? OW!” Jason cried as Bruce whacked him around the head. “Father!” Damian yelled, scandalized. “How could you!? I refuse to have that sub-par, arrow-toting, elf as my papa!” Bruce glared at his sons and slunk away into the shadows to ruminate about his two infinitely stupid sons (Dick and Jason), his traumatized son (Tim), his hyper-impressionable son (Damian), and to wonder when Cassandra would come back home.