#shouldve just made another post but I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT

[thesimulacrasimp]

🦷🎪THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS EPISODE 3 SPOILERS🎪🦷

Okay i wasnt really planning to make this post but i really wanna. I know everyone is talking about Kinger rn n i would too, but i would just say the things everyone already mentioned, so i wanna talk about my bbg Caine again.

That may sound weird, but i REALLY wasnt expecting a character development for him, thats just always sounded crazy to me: AN AI. HAVING A. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. When im thinking bout it right now i think i shouldve expect it, with Gummigoo being an npc and having real emotions and feelings in ep 2, but i just always thought that Caine will be the same as character and wont get any character development through the show like everyone else does, yknow like in the 2nd ep we got Pomni's development and in 3rd — Kinger's and a little of Zooble's — i knew that we're gonna have that for every other human in this world (aka Raghatha, Gangle, Zooble and Jax (yeah i still think that jax is a human, theres no way hes an npc, that just doesnt make any sense, considering that Goose gave a canon age for him, so i dont believe in this stupid theory, sorry not sorry)) , but seeing Caine having other emotions besides happiness and sillieness (WHICH I REALLY DIDNT FUCKING EXPECT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT AN AI THAT WAS MADE TO ENTERTAIN VIEWERS AND HIS "OBJECTS" (i didnt know how else to call the humans in da circus, srry, english isnt my first language) WOULDNT HAVE ANY REAL EMOTIONS — ALL HED DO WOULD BE FOR ENTERTAINMENT), so seeing him having REAL emotions was something i expected less than anything. JUST LOOK AT HIM BEING ACTUALLY IRRITATED AND OFFENDED.

And of course his almost breakdown scene. I WASNT EXPECTING THIS SHIT AT ALL. An Ai having a literal CRISIS because he realized that hes bad at the only thing he supposed to be good at is just...

And this is not only sad but also scary, you know why? Because when he started thinking about it, realizing it — the whole world started to glitch heavily.

And its DEFINITELY means something. My theory is that this world and Caine is kinda one isnt separating thing — if Caine is feeling good and happy - the world is also good, if Caine is having a breakdown and crisis - the world is also not feeling really good, if Caine is gone - the world is also gone, and now i think that we'll DEFINITELY get another moment in the future where Caine will be having a crisis (maybe even more extreme than that one) to the point where the world will become an absolute MESS of a glitches and the crew would have to deal w this somehow (and all of this probably will be made into a silly haha joke from Caine in the end). Idk how much of it will be the truth in the end - maybe some of it, maybe literally nothing, who knows, its just a theory.

Also this moment made me choke fr. Bro got so deep into his mind that he needed a therapist for HIMSELF

Holy shit that was a big ramble srry bout that, I just really REALLY love my silly goober Caine n i wanted to talk about him. Thanks for reading! And sorry for my horrible english lol

my sweetheart, my scrunkly, my babygirl💗💗💗

[anzuhan]

Hello! I'm new to your account but I just want to say your art is suuuuupper pretty! I want to know Anzu's lore, have you written it down anywhere or have discussed it with a previous ask yet?

hello, thank you and glad you asked 🫶 anzu never really speaks about anzu's lore because its overly complex and anzu wouldve wanted to save it for later for when anzu could actually pursue vtuber & idol activities, however its been 4 years and anzu still couldnt really. manage to do that. so anzu will talk about it now 👍 ^ _^)👍

anzu just hopes youre ready for a VERY long post (under cut because. otherwise itll be a post the length of do you like the color of the sky and dont wanna take up peoples dashes 😭)

so based on anzu's current design you'd probably think anzu is a vampire. which isnt entirely wrong but also. WRONG !! you see, anzu isn't from this world, universe, dimension, what have you. anzu comes from a very distant place in its own right that cannot exactly be entered, not even by anzu anymore due to how anzu was exiled from it. 'us' that live there are not entirely a species that is documented by the ones here, so anzu cant exactly tell you what anzu is, but the closest word to it of the inhabitants of this world would be probably close enough to shapeshifter; anzu doesnt exactly fit all characteristics of one, but that is still the best word youve all got for it ! anzu in a way also works like a candle, though anzu isnt made from wax or anything of the like (´ﾉω；`) anzu's insides are hollow and anzu's 'life' is given by a flame inside of anzu's body. it is closer enough to the fire that exists in this world, but also not entirely due to how it can hardly go out. back in anzu's 'world' we all lived under something close to a high governance of 'elders', but anzu would also compare it close to what people tend to call cults here. anzu did not like it, and though its painted as bad to be kicked out of that realm, anzu is kind of happy to have gone out ☆

anzu was also lucky enough to come across another of anzu's kind in the first world anzu was thrown into after the exile that could teach anzu how everything works. we are not exactly built for battle, though maybe sadly for anzu, anzu loves combat </3 our kind can go through dimensions, time and space at will, so we do not exactly age the same as humans. anzu could be 99308 one day and then 193993 the next one ! if anzu did some time skips or dimension skips or what have you. anzu has also given up trying to keep track of anzu's age, though last time anzu's checked, it was around 102000s (this may become invalid even by tomorrow)

the way we see things are as all stories, tales and also things far unknown beyond your imagination are their own dimension; dimensions are split into timelines; there is always a main timeline that shouldnt be interfered with, the one that you may call 'the one with the given fate', where all things go as they should, whether that be bad or not. and then after this one, theres thousands of subtimelines where minor changes have happened in everyones lives; anzu is free to go and disrupt those with anzu's own ideas of how things shouldve went~ truth to be told, anzu tends to become attached a ton to the ones that have sealed fates that cannot be changed.. well. almost, until anzu'd come in, of course ! and sometimes anzu cant help it but want to interfere. to how dimensions also work, a copy of every single person existing in said dimension exists in every copy of the main timeline; though, because anzu does not belong to any dimensions anzu goes thru, there can only be one anzu at a time anywhere.

anzu, across time and looking over all tons of different universes, has fallen in love with idols in each and every one of them. so anzu's quest is to end up becoming an idol in every dimension anzu goes to ! all different looks of anzu you see also tend to be so that anzu can fit in better here or there ... though despite anzu's spent so long among humans from so many different dimensions, anzu still struggles to understand some pretty simple things sometimes. either way, because anzu wants to be not only just any kind of idol but a cosplayer idol as well (i.e like fuyume hanamura from enst), its also good to have huge variety, right? ♡

this is what anzu looks like normally, anzu usually refers to this as 'default' or just 'sumika', given that was the name anzu chose when anzu had come onto a dimension outside of anzu's own. you may see it from time to time, and they may not always look identical but anzu thinks its pretty usual to spot in most drawings whenever it is the 'default' !

among the usual white holographic hair and the usual characteristics, anzu's also had blonde hair for a while ... anzu does not really like to act as an idol like this, but anzu does that.. sometimes ! and for the blonde times, it was more a case of spicing things up.. ?

those are also just a very small portion of what anzu's 'default' looks like. below is a much much larger strip of looks, though not updated.

okay ! now that we've established that that is, what a normal person would probably call anzu's 'natural' look, next are two charts of anzu's looks anzu used to use and that anzu still uses sometimes ! you see there far more often than the default, due to the fact that anzu prefers to perform idol work and activities through them. the default from before is more of a personal and casual thing(＞＜*)ノ~~~~~

(x next to the name means they do not get used anymore; checkmark means they still get used; the time below the name in paranthesis refers to when they were initially active)

though they all have a bit of a different personality and characteristics, theyre still all anzu ! anzu is anzu no matter what anzu looks like, so please dont forget that☆ if you wish to know more about any in particular, or want to see more art of either, feel free to send a further ask about it ! theres tons of arts of every single one of them.

anzu had also not described every single little thing about anzu's backstory or things anzu is capable of, tales of things thatve happened in this or that time/space/dimension/etc ; so if you have anymore questions about any and all of them please ask as well ! anzu is happy if youre interested in anzu♡

[hiroshotreplica]

im sorry you probably dont want this in your askbox but i dont really think it makes sense to talk about madness and leafi the same way for a lot of reasons. Idk maybe im just seeing a transgirl getting relentlessly dogpiled because of old screenshots and having an over-empathetic response but fuck man she was 13 when those screenshots were taken. Shes not even 18 right now shes crazy young for her level of play (like literally should be community banned for lying about being 13 for multiple years during splatoon 2 to get around discord community guidelines but thats a tangent). She said in her apology she was trying to fit in with a real shitty group of people she doesn't associate with anymore and fuck man im probably giving herself way too much grace cause i seeing a terrifying exaggeration of something i went through on a public scale but like people are editing HER face onto memes and talking shit about HER and constantly misgendering her when madness is not only an actual adult but has been ACTUALLY DOING THIS SHIT RECENTLY. im not saying the shit she was saying wasnt heinous but fuck man this isnt gonna help her and i dont want the dumass bullshit she said when she was a middle schooler to ruin the rest of her life. sorry for the white girl mental illness blast but there is important context in this ranty anxiety and projection goop

anon asked for a tldr for the situation w/ jackpot as a whole, which included leafi's part in the situation. as the post was about how jackpot as a team has made racist statements. i chose screenshots that put my point clearly, which just so happened to be screenshots with madness and leafi. i'll go more into it here, though

i did not mean to compare her to madness when including screenshots of her old statements. i was compiling the most blatant screenshots from the thread i had originally linked in a prior post. i was going to include other things, but didnt have the time to compile them and was beginning to get stressed about being the source of this info on tumblr.

i was also going to include this video of her saying racist statements in 2024, but i didnt want to include a twitter link for an anon that couldnt access twitter. im realizing i shouldve done so

i do feel bad for her getting involved with a group of people THAT bad if she was truly that ignorant when she was younger, but thats where my sympathy ends. she still acted racist and still associated with clearly racist people even when she was older and more mature. ive learned since making that post that she was born in 2007. 16 is still an age where you should be mature enough to understand that those comments are racist, even with america's shitty public education system glossing over racism.

i definitely see why this can look like people dogpiling on a trans woman though, and the people doing memes and editing her into them in general about this situation are disgusting. i had no idea she was trans and that people were misgendering her. anyone making this situation about her being trans are awful and not people i stand by.

but all of that, including her being skilled despite her age, still doesnt forgive or erase her actions. nothing like that does for the other members of jackpot that have also stated racist things. nothing like that does for any other comp splatoon player that has said anything similar. the apology she put out was needed, but from what ive heard from others, it wasnt the best. she is writing another apology, though, so it couldve just been rushed.

no one has to accept her apology, either. as a white person myself, im not one that should even be one to accept her apology. it wasnt an apology for me, and it isnt one for you, either (if you are white as you say but i might be misreading). people should not be painted in a negative light for not accepting her apology even if it were an amazing one.

the way some people are reacting to this situation is not okay, but she still did awful things that she should be held accountable for. the other guilty members of jackpot are not better than her, but theyve all still said fucked up things. none of them have done anything to prove they arent racist, and theres only more evidence coming out that proves that they have been, so its hard to process at the moment.

could things change? yes, of course, but as of right now, leafi has stated racist things as recent as 2024 and put out a poor apology trying to defend herself. people are handling it poorly and trying to make it about her identity and making memes on it when it is not the right thing to do. these racist claims are being put w/ other racist claims made by other jackpot team members so it was included in my tldr post about the entire situation.

i apologize for poor wording in this, im not the best w/ these kinds of posts

[maukiki1-but-cringefail]

i swear to fucking god im not a hater but if i see another fucking badly-made thumbnail boring neurotypical straight guy with lame monotone voice talking over buncha mfb clips video of the worst metal fight beyblade takes ive ever seen with the unfunniest jokes im gonna rearrange the DNA sequence of the closest person to me to that of a Doto greenamyeri nudibranch because i swear to god just shut the fuck up.

how the fuck do you meatheads base how much you like a character over powerscaling and win ratio. would you prefer a wild bear over your own mother because the bear is stronger than her? thats how you fuckin sound like. i gotta rant this shit out because i had enough if i hear another fucking "ryūga da goat🥶🐐" "beyblade really is that serious🤣" "This show is so acoustic😵" "did you know that moses split the sea with a be-" WE FUCKING KNOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS AT THIS POINT. ALSO IF YOU DEADASS USE AUTISM AS AN INSULT LET ALONE USE THE WORD ACOUSTIC OR ARTISTIC FOR IT STAY 7 KILOMETERS AWAY FROM ME AND ALSO DONT WATCH METAL FIGHT BEYBLADE EVERYONE IS GAY AND AUTISTIC YOU KNOW WHY⁉️ which cishet neurotypical out there makin spinning tops fight with neon green or blue whateverthefuck hair half the cast looks like they been hiding in closet before their debut episode.

PRIME example of these bad takes is , because of powerscaling again the hate on masamune ? i thought people hated him because they thought he was annoying (like how i did when i first watched it when i was little) (FOUR YRS OLD) and like id get that as in he talks alot or whatever but people hate him because. fucking. "he has a low win ratio and claims to be the number one blader" BITCH THATS A 15 YR OLD. or like around that age somewhere you get the point. so what if the taco doritos colour palette guy a little confident in himself bitch you hate fun you hate sillyness. people also use him as like a tool to praise kenta? constantly i see takes like "kenta is like masamune if masamune didnt suck" or something as in they both try to rise to the top and get stronger but one of them doesnt talk shit like did you know you can praise a character without putting down the other one motherfucker. another one is "masamune isnt a legendary blader because he talks shit but cant actually back it up" Hey my brother in Allah lets play a little game. which one of the fucking legendary bladers talks big about himself. you have ten seconds. 10...9...8....KING. KING IS RIGHT THERE .

also saw someone say damian shouldve been a legendary blader⁉️⁉️mf that boy was on rearrangement stereoids the effects of that wouldve already worn off by the time of metal fury how does that even WORKK😭😭 he was probably off with 3 big fucking pet dogs to eat custard pudding or sumn idk .Ryūga dickriding has been a thing for for ever but right now for some reason people decided they didnt talk about that guy enough. theres so many videos on him guys there are other characters to talk about i can write a three billion word essay on damian but i dont think i can say anything about ryūga that hasnt been said at this point. also the people who claim hes alive BECAUSE hes alive in the manga is crazy like yall cant see those as two different universes? im not saying wether if i think hes alive or not this isnt about that dont miss the point. i wanted to make text posts about mfb for forever but i was embarrased for god knows why so i just posted my mfb fanart on my main but i cant take it anymore (eatina burger with no honey mustard) must speak this time im afraid

also sorry if this is hard to read im not good at ending sentences where i should punctuation jumpscare. powerscaling mfs will hear u say u like a character like for example tsubasa or sumn and immediately bring up ryūga like shut the fuck up this shit happened on twitter i dont even use twitter i opened the app for 000.1 seconds. you just jelaous ryūga will never serve like did mf also im not a ryūga hater anyways i reached the character limit fuck

[petrigrof-doomed-yuri]

i hate petrigrof.

just kidding. i do not. kinda.

note: this post makes petrigrof seem toxic. its not toxic. its just very doomed.

this is part one of my talking about the things i hate about petrigrof! because theres a lot. its. its insane.

i hate fionna and cake the series. just kidding again, but i hated the they way handled them. it felt so.. incomplete. which the series isnt over yeah, but simon basically was like “yay! im happy again!” at the end so im gonna pretend all the relationship building is over.

this also isnt the only time im talking about the fionna and cake series with this, because thats where we get most of our content from. but yeah anyways eyebrjdbsmd

i hate how simon was made out to be the bad guy and like betty did no wrong. which, did simon do something wrong? yeah he did. he didn’t consider how much betty gave up to fulfill his dream and stuff etc etc.. but betty is a grown woman. shes her own person.

this like also kinda harmful stereotype of women wanting to do what the man wants but i digresssssss 😁😁

but anyways, betty is her own person. simon never asked her to do any of it. like, yeah i agree simon is really stupid for no realizing it. yeah i think simon shouldve known better, but then again.. this isnt anyway his fault.

the fact though, is he never asked for her opinion on things. THATS the problem. but that wasn’t really ever talked about, so its kinda just.. bbbbllllleaaaaggghhggghh…

another thing about betty is that she should definitely be hold accountable. but also, to be fair, she thought “wow simon is my idol and is soooooo cool” and then started dating him. like babe i love you but why would u do that… there was such a horrible power balance because she read his books before and she thought of him as something higher because of that. so of course she subconsciously gave up all of her dreams for him. which sucks but i feel like she needed to learn how to stand her ground.

i am NOT blaming her though. at all.

she just was OBSESSED over simon to the point she wasnt her own person. which sucks, but she needed to learn to let go and move on.

dont get me wrong though.. i love these two so much!

i think definitely with a longer relationship (they were only together for about 5 years or under and didn’t even get married) so they were early-ish in their relationship so they didnt work out any of the kinks. and thats what sucks about them! they didnt have enough time to you know, have a relationship.

i think these two with enough time couldve been something great and its so sad they couldn’t get the life they deserve:( i love them sm

(i didnt cover all of my points here, so later down the road i may rewrite this LOL)

(also i didnt re read this so uh. sorry for the mistakes!)

[fappellmoan]

hi everyone this feels wildly self centered and silly but i made a guide to my dyke drama/lore that i talk about in barely coded but convoluted terms. i love internet safety. doing this at the request of exactly one person and for the rest of u it's under the cut if youre curious and feel so inclined hashtag close friends <3 i highlighted my previous ways of referring to these people and important notes bc otherwise i just rambled soooo bad <3 and as much as im maybe romanticizing in some ways here i do genuinely care for and love (most of) these people outside of my weirdofreak brain and try my best to do well by them in our relationships. and maybe i just wanted to write beautiful things about my friends whatever

lydia: they're on here we met on here and now we're roommates. we met bc we were two of the only bitches posting in the muna tag and she was brave enough to reply to my one naomi video. and i was like um ok... FREAK.. and then yk we were mutuals but i was always paranoid they'd somehow know film girl or my roommates (or just. other ppl) bc i was being insane so that was awk but then i had a mental breakdown a little bit one night on here about my childhood and decorating for holidays and they offered to meet on campus and give me some leaves for my window and i was like aww (and we used them this year to decorate our shared apartment :')) and i remember i was wearing my black and white sweatshirt that i wore to go see dan live that ive since given away i think but it feels like. a sign u know.. or whatever.. and we do have mutual friends in weird circles including one that connects to steve (see later notes) so it's like chances are we couldve met in person but this just made it really special. we beef bad. but with sooo much love. and i do think we're better for knowing each other or whatever...

film girl: this was bad. i have a tag dedicated to anything i remembered to tag as part of the saga but it was so bad and beyond anything words can say... i'd give her another name but she could never be anything but film girl. it's like if u were there u know. if u weren't... let's just say i was crazy insane mentally ill bonkers jeff buckley lover you shouldve come over i know it's over. maroon 5 even about it. bad. but consider she leaned into me like she did her bf for their first kiss, said our night together when we went to our friend's party where she had dressed up as jennifer check (i showed her the movie it was a whole thing) and danced with me and talked right against my neck and grabbed onto me while walking and said she was maybe bi and i deserved someone really nice and im so swaggy etc and then going back to her place and making me food and watching himym on the floor (oct. 21st u will go down in herstory...) made her the 'happiest person in the world,' stayed over at my apartment until the following morning more than once, unwrapped her bruised hand and held it out to me to see/touch (absolute freaks moment like kill me actually. and that was the day i perioded myself. to use pj of bottoms' terms.) was just generally engaging in psychosexual warfare with me all the time. and we didn't even fuck. or kiss. and she had a boyfriend. who looked like a girlfriend (not that i personally had in february of last year but regardless..) i mean come on she was a straight woman she wasnt even allowed to say slay.. i genuinely still think we need to kill each other but it doesn't matter. how is she still linked to my life? well. we had a class this semester with steve and stede and lydia and scully (prof im in love with. this name is hilar), sort of friends with cool artsy queer girl group (hometown friends, one her best friend i almost met up with at muna concert (with her) one who looks a bit like jackie kennedy. ok not really but that's the one my one friend josh (woman) made out with last semester), had a class with steve and sam last semester with dave, our shared prof that steve told details of our first date and etc to.

steve: this is gonna be ex situationship from beginning of this semester - mid october. gets this name bc they're obsessed w that pirate show so like stede but i simply wont name them that and at this point im annoyed enough w their taste in things that steve feels fitting. anyway. was genuinely very kind and sweet but also got clingy soo fast and we were on very different pages. we'd met last fall (when they had a gf) and worked together on sets and in a couple classes, they kind of got caught up in my triangulation of desire for jane at her birthday party.. and i had fun flirting! um and they were genuinely again very very considerate and sweet but like. seemed to struggle to have a personality outside of their ex and maybe their siblings a bit. idk. just very passive. sowwy. also they were not a very good kisser. i do remember back in may being vindicated bc they also commented on film girl and bf

jane: naming her jane in a gay way. a jane austen way. in that i think we should write lifelong love letters to each other. holy shit shut up. so this is always 'friend im in love with' or 'a little in love with' or whatever. she is also girl with cool short hair and piercings and tattoos and a bookbag with tits on it so god forbid my infatuation. and i just love her voice and i think she's brilliant and so good at what she does and all around just like an awesome person she inspires me to be better and whatever. and she always dresses so cool and used to host house shows (i still never made it to one) (film girl did once) and when we first started talking we were at a film event and were supposed to be networking or whatever but instead we stood by the drinks together and talked abt how we both wanted to be friends in our writing class but never said it and thought the other hated each other a little bit but we were both just awkward and so we'd always make eye contact and laugh and banter together in class and i rlly was just in love with her. and this summer was crazyyy we were on steve's set together and i was a little freak just so obviously enamored with her but the thing is she was obnoxious too so i didnt even feel like a loser. she asked me to massage her arms once and said my half assed attempt was lame and we leg wrestled (also w steve. kinda funny. like yeah u would) and exchanged drunk stories and she said i needed better ones and then i beat her at stack cup at her bday and gave her her card and she hugged me and her lips were wet from the beer she just drank from and right on my arm and i was like wow. her kingdom (surrounded by people who she loved and loved her) for a kiss upon my shoulder. if u will. and i had to have a middle school Look Away moment bc she stripped in front of a few of us that night and i was far too intoxicated to not like lose my mind. also she was supposed to give me a book on set once but never did and im still bummed. and one random night she texted asking if id found a place to live and when i answered she never followed up and i still wonder what that was abt. if anything. um but she does have a boyfriend of like 5 or 6 years. from high school. the worst part is hes a semi cool dude but it's just like really. let her fuck a woman! just once even! jk they are both genuinely cool people first and i think it's great they found each other in this life. but also like fuck off ugh. yk. not to romanticize my life and friendships i just think in another life we were soulmates or maybe in a way we are now. but we also only knew each other for a brief time so maybe something else. we could've done backstreets

sam: friend i just mentioned recently who has a crazy name we shant get into it. i do have a different actual friend named sam but i havent seen her in forever. so i met them working on steve's senior film set and thought they were cool and they were one of the only ones to make it out to our post-wrap dinner/drinks and then we had two classes together this semester. and so we became sort of allies we'd meet up to go to the museum together and send each other the attendance and i went to see fnaf when he rented out a theater for a huge group lol and he helped on my film which meant a lot even if it was only for a bit cause of you know. the everything that was going on. with steve and etc. it wasnt easy to get there so like bless their heart. they also came up with the name for my film and we had that moment around the fire and well i do hope i'll continue to see them just as a friend even, and they're genuinely just the coolest they do a lot of drag and character/costume design and are genuinely just one of the funniest most down to earth ppl i know and they always have the coolest fucking outfits and hats and shit and omg they looked so good in their doc. just something abt the posture and the whimsy and the earnestness and look overall. woah. um when we were on steve's set my friend jackie leaned over and said 'i thought they were film girl for a second' so basically i need to redacted. but it's not like that bad of a resemblance. once again has a partner cause im cursed forever to sleep on a twin size mattress maybe or whatever. i havent even listened to that song more than like once but maybe it is real for me. anyway they were also in the class with steve and film girl with dave.

stede: im sorry this is so funny to me bc this person and steve go by the same name irl but spelled differently or whatever. we met and had a very energetic chat in the hallway at the beginning of this semester jim thought we knew each other lol. they're real cute and endearing and like i said kind of give butch. and we had two classes together but i had so much shit going on man i just. yeah. seemed like they were maybe a little into me but whatever. and well i think we should have a fling but who said that

jim: my buddy prof he's my buddy :-) he helped me so much sophomore spring as i was trying rlly hard to produce our class films and insane already over film girl (he didnt know that but it was omnipresent) and so close to dropping out and is just the coolest guy. he's a little bit like a father figure what who said that. i remind him of his youngest daughter a lot and ive lived in the same buildings as his older one. so just funny connections. i go to his office hours and such a lot with the film friends

grace: one of my film friends. (i just realized i do know a girl in film named grace but it's not her so anyway.) i am in awe of the way she commits to stuff and motivates people around her. she is just so game for anything to make the best of a situation. shes studying abroad this semester so ive only seen her on video chats/texted and missed the one day she came back for her bf's bday. well and she was the friend who said 'no he can keep himself busy' when we went to go see x together so she didnt make me hang out w her not even lame bf at first which was so nice. cause then i eventually actually did want to meet him. and theyre the least annoying couple ive ever met. and shes bi <3

jackie: another film friend. also love her dearly another stoner so we'd smoke together before class sometimes and just went on a walk with our other friend one night around the woods and stuff that was fun. i usually refer to grace and jackie collectively as 'the film friends.' we met in that spring of sophomore year (same class as film girl and jim). this one did have steve produce her senior film after they said they wouldn't work on mine bc of the ""situation"" i was a little sour that was an awkward um situation but it's whatever. i sometimes say film friends and mean a larger group of these ppl/a few extended but whatever

frank: ive just called him frank hes frank hes the coolest dude in the world i think everyone would be obsessed with him and i just think like man hes lived such a life. he's my short cool professor whos just so good at what he does. he's met so many people and done so many things. his van is so him he has a suction cup to pull his windows up in the winter and random albums in the front seat. im gonna try to work w him next semester. i was in that van last night feeling like i was in a gta level to go pick up pizza for our final class.

scully: my film comedy and tv analysis professor she is so everything to me... she loves women and evil women and gay people and camp and horror and comedy and tv and sex and just weirdo freak shit and shes so intelligent and quick on her feet and charming and just. an amazing lecturer. she said be gay do violence once. i felt seen. she said she used to pull her friends (favorite characters) out of the tv and carry them around in her pocket and i knew she understood... she saw bottoms and emailed me and lydia right away. and she's seen willow. and ofc so many other things. and she'll go 'this seems like the type of person/film/etc that you would be inspired by..' OK QUEEN I LOVE U. i want to do cocaine with her. huh. im taking gender and film with her next semester :333 im so excited

claire: friend from high school friend group who ended up ditching me and our other friend a lot that one summer and we almost lived together and we're just always kinda weird around each other but we were some of the only ppl the other hung out with fall semester 2020 so like.

drake and josh: i almost always refer to them together they're codependent a little bit roommates and i love them dearly and i met them thru claire sophomore year but ive hung out with them alone and stayed at their place when i got too drunk and that night i fell down the stairs. me and drake act a little homoerotic sometimes for fun. i cried at dinner over film girl once to her it was embarrassing. i miss going hammocking with them <3

dave: i had him last fall he's really cool he got me on a shoot w the mayor (and steve and jane) and was so cool about me not ocming to class a lot bc i kept in touch w him and hes my homie. film girl had a class w him then too and then last semester was the like news class that crew had together. and steve told dave all abt our first date and etc and got date ideas from him and i was like oh wow... ok lol

couch: couch roommate. theyre not relevant in my life enough to make a name but the couch story was stupid as hell and this one also left ground beef in the sink that one time and had a thing for a rugby girl that steve had a little fling with

jean: if i say 'one of my masc gfs' i probably mean them. sort of friends with couch like she was in my apartment once last year but um. yeah. had a crush on them for like a month at one point and we follow each other on insta and talked when we saw each other on campus the first time and thats like it. chances r ill forget abt this fake name and still just throw that in if i ever see her

[underratedvocaloidtournament]

Is this tournament abandoned?

Teehee I really shouldve made a post XD Sorry for leaving it for too long I hope yall werent getting your hopes up </3

tl;dr- yes its abandoned, I got a ton of hate n didnt want to keep going

Yes, this is abandoned. If anyone would like to continue it on another account, I can give u the link/password to the bracket site n google doc w/ all the submissions, I just wont be continuing it. (Cant give u the password to this acct bcs its connected to my main...)

From the beginning I knew I would be corrected a lot, given that I started the tournament not even knowing "vocaloid" wasn't a catch-all for "vocal synth"!!! lol. I didn't know much abt vocal synths and wanted to know more, which is why I began this

Howeverrrr. Every poll I started earned me some form of hate or annoying ask in my inbox. "X is Y's worst song!! Why include it!!" (I didn't choose it. Also ar least send a replacement if u feel like that???) "You're being way too lax in the rules" (make ur own tournament) "You're being way too strict!!" (Make Your Own Tournament) "Why didn't you do xyz for this?" (Sorry? Idk??? Make ur own?????) "[long winded ask about how one character didnt win bcs the other was too popular and it was unfair]" (take it up with the submitter??? idk??? knew like three of these at the start). Among others that I dont want to venture into the inbox to paraphrase lolz

All of those can be constructive and helpful in their own right!! And many of them were!!! I greatly appreciate everyone who was kind in giving ideas for how to run the tournament, who to include, etc etc etc. All the asks ive answered and comments ive replied to are not the ones im talking about. Thank you all for your kindness ❤️ it is a loud minority doing this.

Eventually I took a short break for my finals (I'm graduated hs now!! yippee!!) and it was So refreshing not having every othe notif being an angry anon ToT so I kept putting off returning until now </3

Sorry for everyone who was excited </3 please forgive me ❤️

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[cosmicjoke]

oh my god 7Up/seven m&ms/seven circles of hell or whoever the fuck is a ratty ass rodent who shouldve been exterminated from the tumblr ecosystem the moment they got here. but they probably got 7 horcruxes too that’s why their ass keeps coming back in different forms. their dumbass is a literal NPC character saying the same shit over and over again and you’ll notice everything they say is pure projection. It’s always the same talking point they’re exhausting. ONG, if you say eruri eruri eruri with the lights closed they’ll appear in your bathroom mirror and fucking stab you.

I already got this rodent fucking blocked ages ago and I STILL have to see and hear about the nonsense they get up to everywhere I go HAVE MERCY. they’re up on everybody’s ass I wish they’d scurry back to their sewer grate on twitter where they fucking belong. I kneeewww they would (and I’m sorry to say I was just *waiting* for them to) be masked off on you one day even as they continued to pretend to play “oh noes 🥺” over the deranged anons they sent themselves because this is LITERALLY their pattern of behavior, they just can’t fucking help it. when I was jump scared by that username plastered on those screenshots on my for you page, I wasn’t shocked at all, I was just amused.

Yeah, I was warned about this clown before, when I made another post calling out some eruri fans who'd been harassing me. I mean, those people I called out WERE responsible for harassing me, tagging me in certain posts that they knew I wouldn't agree with just to antagonize me. But I definitely know now that a lot of the anon hate that were seemingly being sent by eruri shippers had to be this asshole in reality. It really is pathetic and disgusting behavior. I thought if I just ignored them before, they would eventually go away and stop interacting with my posts. I didn't want to block them without knowing for sure that the things I was hearing about them were true, but when they finally just lost their shit on me for nothing, and started accusing me of woobifying and degrading Levi, just for talking about how his stoicism isn't indicative of his true depth of feeling, I knew those allegations were true, and that's why I just immediately confronted them with it. Their attempts to deny it were fucking pathetic, too. They're completely obsessed with hating on Erwin and eruri's, to the point it seems their entire identity revolves around that. I wished I'd blocked them months ago. I should have. Oh well, you live and learn.

I'm sure they'll be back with some new account, now that they've been exposed, at least to my small audience. I'm just waiting for them to start sending me hate anons, lol. I know they will, since they clearly have some pathological compulsion that they can't control. I'm sure they'll probably start leaving hate comments and death threats on my stories now, too, lol.

Anyway, I'm glad at least that my experience might help others avoid this douche bag and recognize their pattern of behavior. They made a mistake fucking with me, because I really don't care about calling people out if I have to and exposing their asses.

[dockaspbrak]

🦴 & 🔪 for the ask game!

Im sorry for putting this off for so long im a little under the weather right now but i kept it on my docket!! <3 🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?  I'm really lonely so I usually write about intimacy and connection. I think because I have wanted someone to be able to understand me for most of my life I've like highly romanticized that. I think it's common with a lot of gay people. My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...maybe that? Someone told me recently my writing has a lot of little moments of living in the space with a lot of intimate details. I also think I tend to like the mundane more than the exciting...at work I take walks on my lunch break and it's really fun because there's so much to see in the parking garage. Spiders and the way the thing was built left stains on various parts of the roof and cool spider webs and theres these little rickety stairs on the far side. Makes me think of Edward Hopper paintings and the song Glass, Concrete, and Stone by David Byrne. I totally recommend that. 🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

ONCE I got really swept up in the wikipedia of Tarrare because I was thinking about writing a horror story where something was just a little off and I think I even found that from a tumblr post but I was so swept up. I have so many more unattempted WIPs than finished 8^(( I'm so like embarrassed even to talk about writing like I'm anyone whose writing means anything but. I had this idea that these two guys were recently let out from like forced military service and had nothing to go back to so they picked a town at random along the rail line, a huge group of young men all from the same idk troop and they were just getting off the rail at different stops. And by the end it was only the protag and one tall weird guy. And over the course of the story he was going to be like well ill say it entranced and gay about the guy but you think its building up to romance but the final scene was gonna be him getting back to the boarding house they live in and seeing the room for another tenet cracked andw eird noises and the guy was gonna be in there eating the other guy whole LOL ANYWAY sorry that was so long. You're the first person I talked to today! For flavor, I was eating a half frozen cheese sandwich made of end pieces of bread while I wrote this so my cold medicine would stop hurting my stomach <3 I shouldve toasted the bread longer but I didnt want to keep standing in there hahaha

ask game

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

proper post on the Thing™. tws for grooming mention and nsfw mentions im sure everyone gets the drill. im kinda obligated here to make a full reply since i was involved with the issue but Hopefully there wont be another post on this matter. if anyone has issues about what i say/think i didnt address something, talk to me in private yea im more than willing to listen and exchange views. i consulted with several people to make this post in the first place

i havent been keeping up with every response under the sun but i did see opal and blue-jester and some other people in positions of responsibility apologize, so im not gonna rag on them or go on and on about "they should know better!!" because they already know that now. instead ill talk about why i did what i did and why i thought what i did

yep i called opal a groomer at one point. oops thats on me and i shouldnt have thrown around a serious term and accusation like that without getting a better grasp on the situation. lets get that out of the way

to start, how the situation played out was i got an anon saying that i was mentioned in a callout post mtthrw made.

i dont know who sent this ask and it doesnt particularly matter. i just went to go check out the post, which was public and tagged with the main tags. this was not something given to me in private which i decided to spread publicly. first of all it was still in its 242 page glory and had minors discord ids and a lot of peoples discord developer ids (the string of numbers connected to your account that you cant change) on it. i wanted to boost the post eventually, but i was aware that i shouldnt boost something with that kind of information on it, so i dm'd the person who created the doc and gave them my suggestions first (i was the reason why the doc was shortened down to 54 pages later, for example).

they said theyd keep the former doc on the post as well, but i thought they wouldve taken out the developer ids and discord ids of minors in that one too. to be honest i dont know the extent they censored on either document, i was busy talking to other people (like quakey and another adult involved in the callout doc) at this time and then the docs got taken down before i could see them again. also note that i definitely shouldve asked them to censor the names of minors In General and not just the ids, so again, sorry, thats on me. anyways continuing with the actual events that happened, i made a vaguepost warning people to block the "negative" tag if they didnt want to see drama. (unrelated but yeah, also my bad for calling it tea/drama instead of taking it more seriously. i apologized for it after getting an anon about it later.) when i made the vaguepost i got a ton of people asking what was up, so i dm'd them.

i dm'd five people in total for this, all of which except for one or two i considered friends. that said, i have no clue how many people got access to this doc directly because of the people i shared it with. i made a lot of careless and irresponsible mistakes in my handling this, and im sorry for that. but for reasons ill cover in more detail as this post goes on, i dont think the person who made the doc had malicious intent or meant to cause harm to the minors involved.

yall see all the apologizing i just did right, now its time for me to state my case on why i seriously thought opal was a groomer at the time i called her one. btw im not gonna work to cover mtthrws ass on this, thats something they can and should make a comment on on their own.

for some reason some people think that i called opal a groomer because i personally dont like them or have personal beef with them which. Dude?? no?? i dont go around calling people groomers because of petty bullshit. as i said before, i dont know how many people saw this doc itself. i dont know how many people are commenting on this based on context other people are posting only. the doc was not up for that long, so i want to make it clear the ways opal was shown acting in the screenshots provided. this is not to send harassment or to rag on her, shes since stated she will change how she deals with these matters in the future and i am aware of that.

excuse me for not having the screenshots to back my words up (or if i do the screenshots are mad compressed), or not having complete recollection of the exact parties involved. as said ofc the doc was taken down, im reciting this to the best of my recollection, but i think people who saw the doc themselves will be able to back me up on a good portion of this at least. during the magowhore saga, there were a lot of people who came up to opal with their concerns regarding her interaction with minors and the suggestive content she was posting, as shown by her posting the anon asks she got in the planet-popstar discord. both these screenshots and her (as well as some other adults in the server) reactions to them were recorded in the doc.

types of reactions she had were; saying they're just jokes; (joking about it in itself); it was magolors fault for being horny, not her*; thats just how magolors character is; there's a difference between a character and the person writing it so she doesn't need to take responsibility (second screenshot below); (when initially getting vagueposted about her irresponsibility regarding the magowhore saga) lamenting about how people who she liked or looked up to had liked the vaguepost/agreed that she was being irresponsible (first screenshot below); directing blame onto kirbypurrs; assuming people sending her asks with concerns were part of kirbypurrs' clique** and thus disregarded them; called asks with concerns hatemail; deflecting responsibility onto minors if they saw or were interacting with her content; said that people who had concerns about her interactions with minors should just block if they dont like it; being extremely aggressive about people coming up to her with concerns in general; saying that people getting on her ass for the whole magowhore saga was breaking her stride/lamenting about how all this had to happen right as she thought she was finally getting somewhere

and, while not opal saying these next things specifically, i thought these were notable enough to mention about that servers culture: there were people around her advising her to not say anything publicly and to just lie low and wait until this whole thing blew over because people would accuse her of deflecting responsibility if she just said it was magolors fault again, and people called anyone who came up to her with concerns "purity culture nuts" and that they needed to stop infantizing minors

and of course, we cant forget about the stuff in the document not concerning the magowhore saga, like talking about kinks in front of minors or knowing minors were reading/seeing suggestive stuff and letting it happen, as well occasionally talking to minors about suggestive things directly. and her knowing that there were minors in the server, some people who she was speaking to were minors, and people in the community were uncomfortable with her behavior around minors

*yeah i know magolor is her headspace buddy or something of the sort. still not remotely okay to effectively put your legs up about the whole affair because its not Really you doing it

**i got shittalked in this server too btw (by blue-jester and one other person) because ppl assumed i was part of purrs' clique. which, rude i havent spoken to or interacted with them in like 6 months. no clue why people are so rabid about purrs all the time.

with all that said, my point here is that i do not believe it was out of line in the slightest to believe that opal would not have listened to or taken peoples concerns seriously if asked directly, considering her stubbornness and aggressiveness about the situation for so long. i considered this behavior and her unwillingness to change or do whats appropriate as guilt and maliciousness by aggressive inaction, and her aggressiveness on the topic in general led me to believe she was going to continue this behavior for as long as she could get away with it. i understand why mtthrw thought this warranted a callout and needed more eyes on it for things to change. thats not to say i dont think they shouldnt have at least tried to settle this with the involved people in private beforehand, but i think people have downplayed what opal did (or at the very least, i havent seen anyone comment on the sheer extent of her stubbornness regarding this like above) in favor of getting up in arms against mtthrw for calling opal a groomer when they arent. which again, yeah yeah i know its totally fair to get upset at them for that + the leaking minors names thing, but the thing thats baffling me here is that i keep hearing people say mtthrw wanted minors to be hurt by making that doc. i think this was a callout post made with good intentions--mtthrws openness with hearing out and taking suggestions and concerns with the doc when i initially came up to them about it said a lot--but handled rather badly and needing a lot more peer review before being posted publicly.

thats really my view on this.

also for the record, since some people think this conflict is a "we need to protect the pure teenages who cant handle hearing the word 'penis' uwu" issue, its not. im not an idiot, i know people get into all that stuff before theyre properly of age all the time. its practically a teenager rite of passage, frankly id be more surprised if they didnt get into that somehow. my issue has always, always been concerns with minors and adults engaging in suggestive talk in the same space. i literally could not give less of a shit if it were two 15 or 16 year olds talking about sex together in a server of only minors. opal is a college graduate, 21+. the minors interacting with her were 15-17. the adults in that server didnt groom them, but acceptance of that behavior leaves those minors wide-open to being okay with similar scenarios with people who don't have good intentions in the future.

i myself used to consume nsfw content as young as 15. coincidently, i was also a hardcore proshipper and impressionable kid at this time, who thought they knew what they were doing and always had all the answers. i wasnt groomed or anything, but those experiences affected me. i interacted with adults in suggestive and inappropriate ways looking back at it, just like this situation. my former experiences (and the fact that some stuff the adults in that server said, such deflecting responsibility onto minors even if theyre in the same convo as adults, and calling anyone who disagreed with them purity culture nuts, closely reflects some proshipper arguments) led me to jump the gun on believing there was malicious intent from the adults in that server. so again, im sorry and take full responsibility for being so rash in my actions. i sincerely hope all involved parties learn from this and be better in the future, including myself. i've never wanted minors to be hurt from this. to people in my own discord server, i hope that my own rules regarding suggestive talk/content, even despite my server already being 17+ on its own, show that this is a topic ive always cared about and taken seriously. i do not want people to make the same mistakes i did

as ive said before, theres a line in which minors take responsibility for consuming this content. if a kid purposely lies about their age to get access to 18+ material, that's on them. if a kid is openly engaging in suggestive and innappropiate talks with adults, even as a joke, thats on the adults.

by the way, on the point of accidently hurting minors, would anyone mind filling me in on why i keep hearing people say minors will get harassed from this? i talked to like 5 people about it and literally no one had a clue. as far as i know, the two sides on this issue are "the minors were victims and the adults were at fault" and "the minors did nothing wrong because they chose to interact with the material", neither of which warrant any grievances against the minors involved. like /gen /srs if anyone knows fill me in because i am lost on why in the world people would attack the affected party

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

[comeonblub]

i do this thing where i write notes about my knowledge of a new media before starting it, my experience during it, and then my perspective after (if i finish)

separately, ive also been losing my mind about Outer Wilds for well over a week now. ive decided i want to share it

(if you notice that it's been years since ive posted on here no you didn't)

also if you haven't played the game, i recommended you do not read this and instead go download Outer Wilds

spoilers below

NOTES: Outer Wilds / before playing

- has that one song with annoying whistling that i always skip when it shows up on Spotify

- that one person i follow on Tumblr absolutely loves it it's like their favourite game

- seems like it might be emotional or something?

- uhhhh space aliens? i think??

NOTES: Outer Wilds / start playing

- omg the controls SUCk

- oh IM the alien

- lag lag lag and very not keyboard friendly (yes im playing with a keyboard no i don't have a controller)

- ...

- okay keybind + graphics adjustments, and ive made it ever so slightly better

- i do not want to talk to you

- I DO NoT know what i am supposed to be doing what what what

- maybe i shouldve talked to people

- uhhhhh did I do that?

- the world explodes and dies. why. bc of me?

- UHHh

- oh hey the game references the fact i died lol

- okay Doing this again i guess and won't repeat the thing that killed me i think

- don't fucking TouCH that thing it explodes worlds

- okay okay im getting good info i think def don't want to die this time unless i can save

- do i save at that one statue? let's try

- WAIT FUCK FUCK The World's exploding again WHY

- BUHHHH

- "you're lucky im in a timeloop because otherwise I'd be super dead" – LMAO OKAY I MAY BE WON OVER

- okay so the explosions are independent of me. im going back to that thing and fucking around w/ it

- ...

- 15 Hours Into Game

- brittle hollow and i are besties now

- the lore is intricate ain't it. at times i feel like i understand everything. at others im completely lost. if there's a strategy here i don't know it. im just compelled to explore

- the Southern Observatory kinda went off tho with that visual and music combo

- the Fucking Moon

- i got stuck in anglerfish overlook w/ rising sand and just had to wait to die by being scrunched on the ceiling. absolutely worst way to go was awful and i hated it

- 22 min......

- reading explanations that completely recontexutalizes things i'd took for granted or previously ignored is a trip and a half

- my worldview gets shattered every other loop, millions dead but don't worry death means nothing

- like "the sun station",.. oh. "22 min interval"... OH

- i don't know what else to do here

- giants deep whomst ive ignored

- THERES ANOTHER PERSON WHO STUCK IN THIS TIMELOOP WITH ME?

- !!!

- gabbro my beloved

- hhhngg these puzzles.. am i missing something. should i know it now. will i learn it later. the stupid watery core and electricity...

- ...

- 25 Hours Into Game

- i know this galaxy

- i know it intimately

- but there are some places that are just so stupidly challenging to get to. i get there once. i never want to have to do it again. (giants deep core– once. sun station– once. coleus' lakebed quantum cave– twice. centre of the interloper– twice. the vessel– once. high energy lab– twice.)

- ...

- quantum moon whoag

- uh hm what

- YOURE ALIVE

- solanum i love u

- "think of you as a friend" PLS CAN I HUG

- ...

- 30+ HOURS INTO GAME

- i figured out the ash twin core

- i chickened out of taking the thing to do other things instead. achievement hunting.

- it's simply much too scary. no fallback. what happens if no core, no loop

- oh

- .. oh

- fucking hell i didn't realize how much id become dependent on the safety net of a timeloop. of like, functional immortality

- the fear of the unknown. of something new. of actual death

- ...

- well then

- FINISHING MAIN GAME

- i took the core. i left the ash twin project.

- music immediately begins kicking up into something new and emotional and anticipatory

- I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO DO

- i panic and warp back to ask twin project. return the core to the machine

- what a wuss. but i feel better

- think think think think

- where Have I Seen that before. the core

- okay i have an idea of what to do but. fear

- I PRACTICE. Practice! i do 3+ runs to test getting past those Fucking FISH

- AND THEN DO IT FOR REAL

- screaming and crying

- BUT I SUCCEED

- whhhjhb whoaggh

- eye...

- HhhHhh quantummmm

- what

- what

- what

- a guy

- what

- ... euuuu cry mine friendsss

- ayy the fucking hell im emotional

- goddamn. What A Game. that music. holy shit

- ...

NOTES: Outer Wilds / post playing

- even as i did the ending there was still a small part of me that thought... i can save them

- ... (there will be a way to save them)

- there wasn't of course. and it hurt. but... not in a completely bad way

- it's like. the small flickering hope i felt at the end of all things, it still meant something. it still got me TO the end

- i know it was just a game but. it makes me think

- ...

- BONUS Saga of me accomplishing achievements: the fact that i later was able to break reality and also talk to myself in game was fun and cool and sexy

- i WILL be playing DLC but i need to recover

[chrissdollie]

talking about each of rory's boyfriends

dean: ugh. ik EVERYONE says this, but s1 dean was just like soo perfect. too good to be true. he was cute, charming, and kind. i think he was a good 1st bf for rory. besides the fact that he freaking dumped her just because she wasnt ready to say "i love you back" and didnt respect her opinion on donna reed. and theres more. s4, took advantage of her and took away her virginity (im not fully blaming him, rory made me really mad too). like dude, he was MARRIED. poor lindsay didn't deserve being treated the way she was also. she just wanted to be with her husband. and then he based their (rory and dean) little relationship on sex. LIKE HUH?? when he was drunk the night before his wedding, he was saying how rory could fix the world, he loved her, and how she was so smart. what happened to that like what.. overall, i think he was great for a while until he wasn't. he also didn't have any character development at all. jess: in case you haven't seen any of my other posts, i am 100% team jess. i could write an essay about why he was the best bf, but i wont. and im not saying he was perfect at all. like ofc not, no one is! but the little things he did were just soo cute even when they weren't together. like buying rory's basket for $90! ughhh i love that episode sm. anyways, i love the fact that they were genuinely great friends before lovers. AND LETS TALK ABOUT SEASON 6. "wHy did you drop out of yAAleE?" iconic. okok so i absolutely adore that he was being totally honest with her. he was just real. like "rory, wtf are you doing?" he got her head back in the game. omg i saw this one post that was saying how when logan bought rory that birkin bag, she thought it was nice but didnt really know how to respond, but when jess gave her a copy of his book, she was really happy. because she has something special with him. ALSO did anyone else notice how jess was the only bf she didnt have sex with?? not really too important, but just wanted to say that. in AYITL, he gave rory the idea to write a book. i feel like he was always there for her. always. as a friend, bf, ex, and then friend again. through her ups and downs, he was there. fight me all you want, they shouldve been endgame. i was a upset when he got all angry when rory didn't want to have sex with him in another person's house. ik that he was moody or wtv but still. AND THE FACT THAT HE JUST LEFT WITHOUT TELLING RORY. im not saying he shouldve stayed (well i kinda am) but i was so mad that he just left her in the dark. also totally not necessary, but here are some of my fav quotes from him. "ernest only has lovely things to say about you", "i love you", "an innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this! i wanna be good, life's just not letting me", "i like this shirt. it brings out my eyes", "it feels like im with rory and youre not", "wanna push me in the lake?", "22.8 miles. do you YAHOO?" i have more in the dungeon logan: 2nd fave bf. he was meh. sometimes he was an absolute jerkk but i do like how he pushed her out of her comfort zone a bit. AND how he tried the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing because he liked her so much. and personally, when jess went to visit rory in s6 ep8, i think he had a valid reason to be upset. like he literally pulled up to richard and emily's to see rory with a random dude going out. and the first thing she said to him was "when did you get back? i thought you were coming home tomorrow?" i mean i could totally see why he thought something was going on. (but he did overdo it a little. at first it was understandable but as the night went on, he was just being plain rude). on the other hand, he was kinda boring to me. i feel like he didnt really have much of a personality besides being rory's bf. BUT I HATE HATE HATEEEEE that he was hooking up with rory and ENGAGED TO ANOTHER WOMAN in AYITL. its like dean all over again smh. tbh im glad rory didnt end up with him. BUT HES HER BABY DADDY (im pretty sure) LIKE NOOOO anyways, these are just my opinions and feel free to disagree just dont bash me please <3

[titobarkvillier]

I need to venttttt. Hi oilers fan here but I saw an isles blogger posting a racist ask she received after her comments bout game 2. the sad thing is what she was saying is true. the comments made me sick. as a community we need to do better than this

WHAT

i havent seen the ask so i dont know what exactly it said, but hockey especially is a breeding ground for racism and other hate speech/actions. its a white man’s sport more than any other, and the violent parts of it are what draw in an especially icky crowd. it sucks. not only that, but playoffs heighten every emotion. that’s absolutely disgusting to hear, im so sorry to whoever got that ask.

that being said, im a little surprised something like that happened on tumblr, since hockeyblr seems to be filled with mostly chill people and not disgusting toxicity you get on sports socials like twitter/facebook/etc. its disgusting. its why i migrated here after years of just silently scrolling twitter, because there seemed to be more of a community happening here. i guess not. shitty people will be shitty people anywhere if given the chance.

people talk shit about teams all the time, especially when angry. that doesnt justify racist comments? that racist anon needs to grow the fuck up. its a sport and these are grown men playing a game we have literally no stakes in. its entertainment; if youre not entertained, dont go around being a piece of shit to someone online. go to twitter if you wanna pick fights then, hockeyblr doesnt want you.

the kicker is they mustve went searching for isles fans, unless they were following that blogger before. still, if their racism is triggered by someone being upset about their/another team, why didnt they just keep scrolling? mute islanders tags? come on now. tumblr is structured to only show you what you want to see. dont seek out people to be a dick. they shouldve shut their phone off and done some breathing exercises if some random stan account on a website is making them piss their pants with rage.

[asbestieos]

long vent post about my shitty workplace environment, under a readmore because its a lot of frustration and its very very long

jesus christ ok i need to talk about this bc not even a minute into my shift, the shitty shift lead on at the time jumps me and tells me to train this brand new coworker for the last thirty minutes of his shift. immediately after that she leans in and mutters to me about how hes slow and both she and the manager fucking hate him. he is two feet away within earshot at the front register. i go ok no problem! (fakest smile ive ever given from under my mask) and jump right into training

turns out HE HASNT BEEN ON BAR FOR HIS ENTIRE FIRST WEEK OUT OF TRAINING. HE HASNT HAD ANY CHANCES TO PRACTICE MAKING DRINKS. hes slow BECAUSE HE ISNT BEING GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN. for so many reasons. they schedule him during peak customer hours so they force him to rush when he doesnt even have the basics down yet. they expect him to know everything straight out of two-week’s training but a FUNDAMENTAL EXPECTATION of the job is that you LEARN AS YOU WORK and you wont even have everything down pat until AT LEAST three months into the job. even then, there will still be things you dont fucking know. he doesnt even have many shifts scheduled per week so not only is he not put on bar, but also hes just not at the fucking store often per week so of course he doesnt learn as fast. not only that but i found out that shitty shift lead AND the literally STORE MANAGER both CONSTANTLY SHITTALK HIM EVEN WHEN HE IS ON SHIFT WITH HIM.

is this how we’re fucking treating new coworkers now?? how is he supposed to learn and acclimate to the store?? yes this is a fast paced workplace, yes he needs to pick things up quick but hes not going to know the recipes if hes constantly rushed, if he has no support and no one to ask questions, if hes put on food warming, if hes CONSTANTLY FUCKING BULLIED WHILE WORKING BY THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE HIM

i dont even fucking know what to say. he works again tomorrow with the same white bitches bullying him. i can only hope the brief training we did today gave him a little hit of confidence because he was literally spectacular and he was constantly looking to help with new drinks when he seriously shouldve been focused on learning. its not his fault at all, i dont blame him for trying to optimize for speed and time when hes been made fun of for being slow. im so pissed at management on his behalf. he stayed ten minutes after his shift ended to help me and i had to tell him to go home because he didnt want to leave me hanging (he shouldnt have to worry about me! or the store! especially when hes still in the learning period!). i was the only one he said goodbye to when he left. i taught him how to cancel shots because apparently his shitty trainer hadnt taught him to do that.

after he left, a coworker told me that today was the first time they had EVER heard his voice because HE DOESNT ASK ANYONE QUESTIONS. what kind of trainer / shift lead scares newbies so much, they dont ask questions?! what kind of work environment makes it so theyre scared to ask questions?! youre supposed to ask questions so fucking much in the beginning! youre supposed to be so annoying in your learning period! youre supposed to fuck up constantly! its been two hours since my shift ended and im still so fucking hung up on how horribly hes been treated. this isnt even the first trainee to face these same issues. another partner trained by the same shitty trainer WAS ALSO set up for failure in the same way.

this is fucking ridiculous! i need to think about what to do about this because we’re going to scare away all our fucking newbies at this rate! holy literal actual fucking shit!