#shitty home life made it hard for her to excell in school so that also weighed on her & her parents

[creaturefeaster]

Hey Wire! Question about April,is there a cannon reason she got kicked out? Like is there family drama?

She was kicked out because she and her family have always had major disagreements with each other. It was a very "18 and out" kind of situation for her, but the final straw for her parents kicking her out was her slapping her mother during a very heated argument.

She stayed with Tanner for a short period of time after that, before they both moved down to Lystrike together with Leon.

[edoro]

dunno if you're particularly into the series at all, but if so, I'm curious about your feelings on the sibling/familial dynamics in gravity falls

oh anon, i was very into Gravity Falls! i have three fics published to my main ao3 account and a hidden disused tumblr full of spicy problematic shipping fics because i am who i am.

i think they're really good! there's a lot going on there. i like the tension between Dipper and Mabel, how one of them wants to grow up too fast and one of them wants everything to stay the same, and the way they clash and argue but are ultimately always there for each other. they clearly love each other a lot and have a far more supportive and functional family structure than the Stans did, but they still have their issues.

Stan and Ford meanwhile are an on-fire garbage can and i love it. these two are soooo fucked up. these twins have every single issue. love their wildly dysfunctional and abusive upbringing (cannot BELIEVE a number of people sincerely argued that their dad was not abusive lmao) and the way they both project so bitterly onto each other. love Stan's clingy codependence because he doesn't feel like he has any value outside of being attached to Ford, and Ford's simultaneous enjoyment of having a built-in scapegoat and hanger-on and someone to feel superior to AS WELL AS being smothered to death and wanting to just escape and create his own individual identity.

i love how messy and difficult the Stans' relationship is too even as adults, like, how they just can't let go of all the pain and wounds of their childhood or all that deeply held resentment towards each other. i have to say that insofar as i'm on anyone's 'side' here, it's Stan's; i understand Ford intimately, and get exactly why he felt and thought the way he did (and does throughout the series), but he's an asshole who scapegoats Stan as the cause for every single bad thing in his life because that's easier than examining 1) the larger systemic factors 2) the role their Entire Family Dynamic played in it 3) his own responsibility and also 4) the fact that while what happened with the project and his dream college chance sucked, for sure, having to go to a shittier school and work hard is... idk just not that fucking bad lmao.

like sorry dude but the pain and trauma of having to attend a second-rate college and really devote yourself to standing out does not compare to being kicked out of your home at 17 and made homeless, and it's something that tons of people deal with, and frankly i think a huge amount of Ford's anger about that imo is based in the fact that he feels like he's better than that and deserves better, and has spent most of his life seethingly furious about the fact that the world around him does not recognize his talent and superiority.

(which is very much a coping mechanism for feeling like the only thing he has going for him IS his intellectual abilities - nobody values anything else about him, and it feels like his only way out of a future of grinding misery, so of course he retreats into self-obsessed misanthropy. i understand it very well, but i have enough distance from my own period of Being Like That to recognize that it's a selfish and assholish way of viewing oneself and the world, lmao.

and to be clear i'm not bashing Ford here, i think he's a lot of fun and an excellent character and very relatable - he's very human, and i love that. he's messy and kind of shitty and struggles to be better, and it's extremely understandable.)

i think the way that we see Stan recreate his own childhood dynamics with Dipper is interesting too... the way he treats the twins is very, idk, i guess it's a very familiar sort of pattern to me. Mabel is a girl so he can form an emotional connection with her, that's safe, and she can be his silly special princess who he loves and spoils, but since Dipper is a boy, they can only connect through the Rituals Of Masculinity, which especially in Stan's case are extremely toxic and damaging.

so Stan ends up perpetuating his own abuse on Dipper, albeit less severely - i 100% believe Filbrick physically abused his kids, and i think sometimes Stan might skirt that line, but i don't think he'd ever raise a hand to either of the twins. he is absolutely emotionally abusive towards Dipper, especially earlier on in the show before they kind of reconcile in terms of Dipper thinking Stan hates him.

that's just really interesting to me! i always love that examination of like, how this sort of thing echoes down generations. you can see the fingerprints of Stan's father in how he treats both of the twins, the attitudes he brings towards them...

also Ford is like, wildly irresponsible lmao. the whole thing where he starts like, taking Dipper into his confidence and having him keep secrets and trying to get between him and Stan and Mabel... like i don't think he's doing it on purpose or has malicious intentions, he's just lonely and kind of stunted and really likes this kid and sees himself in him and is not really able to look past that self-projection to who Dipper actually is and how they're different, but oh man.

(the potential for writing it AS deliberate grooming is off the charts tbh. i'm still waiting for someone to come up with that fic because there's just a lot of potential there.)

so, anyway, tl;dr is that i think the sibling/family dynamics in gravity falls are really good and complex and layered, with a lot of pain and tragedy in there, but also a lot of love and striving to do and be better.

[mvkolas]

🌦  «  andrew  garfield.  cis  man.  he/him.  thirty-nine.  »  was  that  MYKOLA  “NIK"  SOKOLOV  walking  through  the  doors  of  amorelux  ?  i  heard  they  just  moved  in  to  apartment  1403  from  LONDON,  ENGLAND  and  work  as  an  airline  pilot.  they  seem  erudite  &  affable  but  don’t  get  on  their  bad  side  !  they  can  be  forthright  &  testy  which  makes  sense  since  they’re  an  AQUARIOUS.  you  know  they’re  home  when  you  see  a  flash  of  tired  eyes  hidden  behind  thick  frames, the  reflection  of  streetlights  on  the  pavement  after  it  rains,  the  frayed  spines  of  paperback  books,  &  disheveled  hair  after  running  your  hands  through  it  one too  many  times.  ↷. @amoreluxintro​​​

BASIC STATS

 NAME:  mykola  dmitrievich  sokolov  ♡  BIRTHPLACE:  kharkiv,  ukraine  ♡  NICKNAMES:  nik  &  accepts  nicky  depending  on  the  person  ♡  SEXUAL  ORIENTATION:  bisexual/biromantic  ♡  OCCUPATION:  airplane  pilot  for  alaska  airlines  ♡  BIRTHDAY:  february  16th  ♡  NATIONALITY:  ukrainian  ♡  EYE  COLOR:  dark  brown  ♡  HAIR  COLOR:  light  brown  ♡  HEIGHT:  5"10’  ♡  SPOKEN  LANGUAGES:  english  (  fluent  ),  ukrainian  (  fluent  ),  russian  (  fluent  ),  &  spanish  (  conversational  )

BIOGRAPHY

 okie  dokie  so  nik  was  born  and  raised  in  kharkiv,  ukraine  to  an  average  middle  class  family  where  he  lived  for  the  first  eight  years  of  his  life  ,,  his  dad  was  an  aviation  pilot  for  the  ukraine  international  airlines  while  his  mom  is  an  ex-olympic  figure  skater  who  ended  up  getting  disgraced  by  purposely  injuring  her  competitor  (  was  tonya  harding  his  mom  ??  who  knows  but  she  didn’t  get  any  movies  made  about  her  )  so  now  she  sells  makeup  and  jewelry  at  a  small  boutique  she  started  up

 apologies  to  anyone  having  a  conversation  with  nik  bc  his  accent  is  thick  and  all  over  the  place  from  influences.  it’s  still  heavy  ukrainian  accent  but  also  elements  of  the  london  accent  once  he  moves,  so  his  vowels  are  all  over  the  place  like  it’s  v  much  ukrainian  but  also  v  british  lad  and  slang  so  it’s  all  v  confusing

 his  mom  victoriya  is  kind  of  a  shitty  person  ??  just  to  be  blunt  about  it  since  on  top  of  her  injuring  her  competition,  her  redemption  was  stalled  by  finding  out  she  was  pregnant  again  with  nik  after  his  older  sister  and  it  only  goes  downhill  from  there.  which  ..  kinda  sucks  bc  nik’s  dad  dmitri  is  a  true  gem  who  loved  his  kids  and  his  wife  to  the  moon  and  back  and  just  wanted  the  best  life  possible  for  them  but  it  was  around  the  time  of  her  pregnancy  with  nik  that  her  behavior  went  south

 her  attitude  was  sour  majority  of  the  time  and  never  seemed  to  be  pleased  with  whatever  her  husband  did  and  the  drinking  began  after  nik  was  born  since  she  liked  to  think  he  was  the  reason  behind  her  figure  skating  career  never  taking  off  again  and  not  her  disgraced  name  ??  this  behavior  was  a  -10/10  and  dmitri  put  up  with  it  for  eight  years  thinking  that  she  would  change  but  it  never  did  and  it  was  around  nik’s  8th  birthday  that  he  announced  the  divorce,  got  custody  of  nik  and  his  sister  nina  and  moved  the  two  of  them  to  kingston,  u.k  just  outside  of  london  upon  a  job  offer

 it’s  in  his  new  environment  that  nik  begins  to  thrive  ..  finds  an  intense  love  for  literature  and  just  reading  in  general  ??  he’s  a  naturally  bright  boy  and  is  excelling  in  his  classes  where  he  gets  top  marks  and  notes  on  his  report  cards  saying  how  lovely  n  intelligent  of  a  boy  is  ,,  though  he  does  have  trouble  with  making  friends  which  ))):  some  of  his  classmates  are  a  bunch  of  twats  and  like  to  pick  on  nik  since  he’s  the  new  kid  and  has  a  strong  accent

 but  aside  from  that  overall  his  childhood  was  chill  and  was  known  as  the  class  clown  who  got  along  with  everyone  and  generally  just  liked  making  people  laugh  ??  just  a  v  happy  go  lucky  lil  boy  that  as  he  aged  just  looked  like  a  typical  lad  and  not  the  highly  intelligent  boy  who  had  promise  to  attend  oxford  or  cambridge  or  even  any  school  he  wanted  to

 it's  when  nik  and  his  family  moved  to  london  that  he  actually  started  going  by  the  nickname  of  nik  just  as  an  easier  way  of  pronunciation  english  wise.  with  his  dad  and  sister  he  goes  by  mykola,  but  he  still  goes  by  nik  just  bc  he's  gotten  so  used  to  it

 but  once  nik  eventually  settled  in  and  made  some  friends  of  his  own,  everything  settled  down  and  nik  grew  to  enjoy  his  time  in  london.  his  more  affable  personality  started  to  come  through  and  would  become  known  as  one  of  the  few  class  clowns  in  his  grade  who  could  hold  a  conversation  with  anyone

 it’s  around  nik’s  13th  birthday  that  his  dad  introduces  him  to  a  new  lady  in  his  life  aka  his  new  gf  named  isabella  who  has  kind  green  eyes  and  a  vibrant  laugh  that  brought  out  her  animated  personality  and  nik  automatically  loved  her.  he  could  see  how  happy  she  made  his  dad  and  after  years  of  watching  his  dad  be  treated  badly  by  his  mom  nik  was  happy  that  he  found  someone  who  loved  him  and  being  around  him

 fast  forward  seven  months  and  isabella  moves  into  their  home  and  nik  finally  feels  like  he  has  a  family  ??  and  it’s  inevitable  that  the  two  get  married  where  nik  is  the  best  man  and  it’s  with  this  new  family  structure  of  isabella  and  her  daughter  sofia  that  nik  feels  stable??  in  a  sense  ??  uses  this  new  found  sense  of  stability  to  further  challenge  himself  in  his  academics  –  finding  a  strong  penchant  for  math  and  science  and  being  insanely  good  at  it.

 while  debating  whether  he  wanted  to  go  to  university  for  something  math  related,  it  was  hearing  his  dad  speak  about  his  most  recent  flight  that  nik  came  to  the  realization  that  he  wanted  to  follow  in  his  father's  footsteps  and  become  a  pilot.  from  there  on  nik  applies  himself  even  more  so  in  his  studies  with  his  sites  set  on  purude  university  in  america.  to  which  he  eventually  gets  accepted  into  and  he  attends

 the  years  in  school  fly  by  for  nik  and  he  eventually  graduates  with  his  degree,  gets  his  abundance  of  hours  worth  of  supervised  training  completed  within  another  two  years  and  by  age  25  he's  flying  high  and  slowly  working  his  way  up

 nik  bounces  around  america  for  a  while,  settling  in  city  airport  hubs  of  delta  as  he  works  his  way  up  in  rank  and  not  settling  down  in  a  place  for  too  long.  eventually  nik  ends  up  in  new  york  city  with  a  base  in  jfk  international  airport  where  he  starts  to  do  longer  more  international  flights  and  it's  here  in  nyc  that  nik  starts  to  settle  down

 some  sad  times  are  ahead  for  nik  though,  his  family  is  extremely  close  and  he  talks  to  his  father,  isabella  and  nina  all  the  time  on  the  phone.  nina  moved  out  to  brighton  for  an  advertising  job  with  her  husband  philip  and  they  have  a  v  beautiful  baby  girl  named  adelaide  and  i'm  !!  nik  is  in  awe  bc  his  niece  is  gorgeous  and  he  adores  kids  jdfnsj  so  he  visits  them  whenever  he  can  and  especially  when  she  grows  up  since  she's  his  goddaughter  as  well

 nik  and  his  family  are  the  type  who  get  together  for  family  vacations  each  year  still  bc  they  genuinely  all  get  along  and  love  one  another.  death  tw  starts  –  it'ss  during  one  of  nik's  long  shifts  where  it’s  proving  to  be  a  tough  day  when  he's  just  finishing  up  one  of  his  longer  flights  and  he  gets  an  international  call  from  england  saying  that  his  sister  and  his  brother  in  law  were  involved  in  were  involved  in  a  car  accident  and  didn't  make  it  –  end  of  death  tw

 being  her  godfather  nik  is  given  full  guardianship  of  his  niece  adelaide  and  she  soon  makes  the  move  from  england  to  new  york  city.  it's  a  tough  time  for  nik  as  he's  thrown  into  a  whirlwind  of  settling  everything  with  paperwork,  getting  adelaide  settled,  and  taking  time  off  from  work  to  acclimate  to  having  to  raise  a  teenager  now.  unfortunately  the  one  long  term  and  healthy  relationship  nik  found  himself  in  begins  to  suffer  from  the  amount  of  stress  and  being  pulled  in  multiple  directions.  nik  and  his  boyfriend  break  up  and  seeing  as  nik  didn’t  plan  to  become  a  father,  he  decides  now  is  the  time  to  refocus  and  dedicate  all  of  his  time  to  raising  adelaide

 after  some  time  adelaide  decides  she  doesn't  like  the  hectic  ways  of  new  york  so  nik  begins  to  apply  to  other  companies  and  once  he's  met  with  a  generous  salary  and  a  flexible  schedule  for  him  to  look  after  adelaide,  he  and  his  niece  make  the  move  to  seattle  and  eventually  settle  into  the  amore  lux  apartments

 nik  truly  does  hope  to  one  day  settle  down  and  taking  on  the  responsibility  of  raising  adelaide  certainly  made  nik  aware  just  how  lonely  he  is  lmao.  he  does  have  hope  to  have  kids  of  his  own  potentially  just  from  how  family  oriented  he  is.  right  now  he's  juggling  work  and  learning  how  to  raise  a  teenager  while  they're  both  dealing  with  grief  and  while  it's  a  lot,  he  and  adelaide  see  eye  to  eye

CONNECTION  IDEAS

 someone  who  checks  in  on  adelaide  when  nik  is  off  at  work  doing  longer  flights.  he  would  say  babysitter  while  adelaide  would  argue  against  it  (  she's  16  thank  you  very  much  !!  )  but  he  just  likes  to  know  that  there's  enough  food  in  the  apartment  or  if  his  niece  has  homework  questions  then  someone  is  there

 some  hookups  !!  nik  is  painfully  single  and  while  still  getting  over  his  ex,  he's  still  a  man  with  needs  so  the  door  is  open

 anyone  with  a  kid  of  their  own  who  can  offer  nik  some  advice  on  How  To  Raise  a  Teenager  When  You  Weren't  Planning  On  Raising  a  Teenager

 a  wholesome  date  where  nik  and  your  muse  went  out  for  dinner  but  ultimately  they  realized  they  were  better  off  as  friends  and  they  continue  to  be  as  such

 an  errand  friend  !!  your  muse  and  nik  oftentimes  like  to  run  errands  together  just  bc  it's  more  fun  and  the  company  is  nice  as  opposed  to  doing  everything  by  yourself

 maybe  someone  nik  was  having  a  casual  friends  with  benefits  situation  with  and  since  he's  still  finding  his  footing  with  relationships  and  moving  on  from  his  ex,  your  muse  could've  ended  up  liking  nik  more  than  nik  understood.  feelings  could've  been  hurt  and  things  are  awkward  now

 friends  please  !!  *black  panther  voice*  someone  give  this  man  some  friends  !!  he's  lonely  !!

[foxsimthings]

Luke Graves for @wastelandwhisperer ‘s Sense of Home (HIGHLY BELATED HUEHUHEUHE I’M TRASH)

Young adult | Heterosexual Bouncer | Boxer | Single Dad Hot-headed | Active | Glutton

ft. his daughter Kyra Seven | Social Butterfly | Vegetarian (Grandma Rose can also be included if you like just lmk~)

(mention of drug and alcohol use and abuse, violence and general shittiness)

Luke Graves was always the fuckup of the family. Born with an identical twin sister who could do no wrong in their parents’ eyes, it was hard not to fall into the role he seemed born to play. She was the favourite, and Lucas very much just wasn’t. To watch them love her like an outsider in his own family was more than a boy could take some days.

Lacy excelled in school and had plenty of friends, Lucas fought so much he was expelled from two high schools and one middle school. Lacy graduated with honours, Lucas was lucky they let him walk across the stage. All their lives the two were polar opposites, as far from one another as they could be. And as Lacy’s life seemed to get more and more rosy, Luke’s seemed to worsen steadily. 

Both he and her mother were eighteen when Kyra was born. Too young, far too young, but when the time came to put her up for adoption her mother couldn’t do it. Luke, Perpetual Fuck-Up, balked at the thought of having a vulnerable creature rely on him and promptly bolted. 

A few years were spent engaging in general scumbaggery; he fought, drank, worked the bars, slept around, partied like his life depended on it. Some of those deep dark nights, his life truly did depend on it. 

It wouldn’t be quite right to say boxing saved his life, but it did give him an outlet that didn’t involve tossing drunks out of the club or getting into bareknuckle brawls out back over something stupid - women, usually. It felt good to fight, freeing. Every hit given like a blow to all the hands that ever held him back, every hit taken a smack for the choices he made himself, all the gutters he had only himself to blame for winding up in. 

It’s been two years that he’s been clean, a year that he’s been sober-ish. His grandmother Rose on his mom’s side was his only cheerleader all his life, and when he got out of rehab for the last time she invited him to come live with her in Henford on Bagley - a risky maneuver, but it meant he’d be out of the city and someplace a little quieter.

That, and having a clean, stable home meant Kyra could visit him, having come back into his life around the same time that he got clean. 

Luke would never try to say he’s perfect, or anything close to it. Maybe he always will be the Graves fuck-up, maybe that’s all he was ever meant to be. But he’s trying to be better for his daughter, he’s trying to make sure that his grandmother - the only person to believe in him - didn’t go before she saw him make something of himself.

All he can do now is try, and hope that it’s enough.

Personality - Luke:

Luke is a hothead by nature, a sore loser if there ever was one. He’s spent so long giving in to the demoralizing, denigrating pressure put on him, he keeps expectations low and tends to let people think what they want of him. He tends to keep to himself -- most of the gossipers in Henford know his name, of course, know that he’s Rose’s boxer grandson, that he’s trouble from the city. Far be it from Luke to tell them otherwise, only to disappoint them.

Turning his life around is easier said than done. He’s still bouncing in the nearest city out, which means long commutes, and the bulk of his free time beyond is spent either training or with Kyra, of whom he has joint custody with his ex. His current dream is to go to Mt. Komorebi for a shot at a boxing championship, and the combination of a real goal and the presence of his grandmother and his daughter in his life has been crucial to keeping him on track and focused. 

At the end of the day, Luke isn’t a bad man. He’s a sad man, a lonely man, fighting the truth he’d been told all his life that he wasn’t good enough. He’s deeply flawed and always will be, but there is hope there, if one can find it under the bruises.

Personality - Kyra:

At seven, Kyra is an inquisitive young girl and a nature enthusiast. She has a passion for all things nature, from bugs and bees to plants and the environment. Clever beyond her years - she always has been - she spends the majority of her time at Luke’s place outside, hanging with various animals, pressing leaves in her Nature Journal or helping Nana Rosie can the vegetables from her garden.

Her relationship with Luke is a surprisingly good one. Her mother never spoke ill of him, and he never spoke poorly of her. He was so young when Kyra was born, when she started to get older it was like they were both just kids - so the pair always had fun together, giggling and joking. While not always a good dad, Luke never failed to be a good friend.

Kyra visits as often as she can. Henford is so much nicer than the city, so she heads over with her satchel full of books, ready to chide Luke about recycling cans and see if she can’t get a few strands of horse hair to put in her Nature Journal.

Including a couple more pics of the man bc I love him, please enjoy

[elderflowergin]

Hello Gin-nim. Since many people are discovering Beyond Evil for the first time I was wondering if you could tell us your thoughts about the show? It seems you didn't like it and I am leaning towards agreeing with those who have criticised the show.

Hi Anon!

It's true - I didn't like it that much! I know lots of people enjoyed it. Full disclosure: it's been a few months since I've watched it, so as Queen Betty says: "recollections may vary":-

I think my first roadblock with Beyond Evil was the sheer awfulness of the violence against women, and the ways in which old, hoary tropes about women kept getting used and reused. A perfect girl dies horribly. A kid (a kid!!) who loves the nightlife and the occasional male company as her only escape from an incredibly shitty home life also dies horribly. When you think they've suffered enough, you are made to learn that their deaths were even more horrifying than you initially imagined. (TVN Signal had this quality too in a couple of its arcs, but maybe there was a first mover advantage that show had that Beyond Evil didn't, and I think it helped that it was a woman who led the team solving those crimes in that show.)

I think - and I mean this across media everywhere - there's a point when violence against women in the narrative takes on a voyeuristic quality. I think it did on this show on a way it didn't in Signal. Maybe it helped that the leads in Signal suffered their own, private pains, unrelated to the dead women around them; Beyond Evil doesn't offer that distance, and all I could see was male pain being centred in a show that is about dead women, rather a lot of them, some of whom are dead because of the men whose pain we have to witness.

I could have seen past the violence if the team was fun to watch, but I was not - and I'm going to commit blasphemy here - very invested in them. Shin Ha-kyun and Yeo Jin-goo are great actors, but I think their chemistry either works for you or it doesn't, and going by the general reaction to the show, it did work for a lot of people! Total YMMV moment, for sure.

There were some characters and things that worked splendidly for me: the whole of Yoo Jae-yi's arc, for starters, altogether the most painful part of the show for me. All she has is a butcher shop and rumours that her mom ran away from home. In her flashback, she's shown walking around shady Busan motels in her school uniform, hoping for a glimpse of her mother. It got the point of this lack of closure and inchoate loss across without showing any explicit violence (I think? It's been a while since I watched!). Choi Sung-eun is a babe and a star, and I'm looking forward to whatever she does next.

The musical motif of If I Go To Busan was truly gutting, and conveyed the melancholy, the unending grief and the lack of closure felt by the entire town in a way body parts and gratuitous violence could not.

Some of the actors were truly excellent - Chun Ho-jin, reliably lovely in this paternal role he's taken over his substation; Kim Shin-rok, who's great as Oh Ji-hwa, and Choi Dae-hoon, stellar as Park Jeong-je. CDH in particular is really good at playing someone who's trying very hard to live in the present and is continually haunted by something he can't grasp or understand. Gil Hae-yeon is distinctly terrifying in this, like someone took her awful mom role from Something In The Rain and twisted the screws.

I felt like I could have watched a show focused entirely on Manyang and the way it copes and grapples with suppressed grief and a lack of closure; I could have also watched a mother/son interplay between Park Jeong-je and the Councilwoman, or a show that centred Oh Ji-hwa uncovering this mystery herself.

Hope that answered your question, Anon! Thanks for asking!

(If anyone's in the mood for a Park Jeong-je special, please dive into Deer Heart by the brilliant wordsmith @drivingsideways (please heed the tags and warnings!!)

[nevermindirah]

Dorothy Freeman facts

By facts I of course mean headcanons, because Nile's mom doesn't get a first name in canon (or even confirmation that her last name is Freeman). All we know about her is the picture on Nile's phone lock screen (which is Kiki Layne's real-life mom and brother!) and a few lines that Nile tells Andy about her. I’ve been collecting my Dorothy headcanons for a while now to eventually make a post, and @mprosperossprite​‘s excellent post giving non-Americans context for what it means that Nile is from the South Side of Chicago prompted me to go ahead and share this. Disclaimer that I’m white and I will absolutely make corrections if it’s pointed out that I’ve caused harm with any of this.

So here have some fun facts about the version of Mama Freeman who lives in my head rent-free:

Her family and growing up:

she was born in the mid-'60s and named after Dorothy Dandridge

I can’t decide whether she was born in Chicago or moved there later on (maybe with Nile’s dad?) and when in the waves of the Great Migration her family left the South

she came of age in the "post"-Civil Rights movement and went to college in the mid-80s when a lot of what are now the foundational classics of Black feminism were being written

she was a young adult when Anita Hill risked so much to report that a Supreme Court nominee had sexually harassed her, and as a result she HATES Joe Biden

Marriage and babies:

she met Nile's father — I can’t decide how they met and I have two competing headcanons for his name, either Gideon for the hefty Biblical masculinity vibes (Giddy for short among family, that man loved to laugh) or Carl, which started out as a shitty Carl’s Jr burger chain joke that turns out to be perfect (it means free man!), and @knoepfchen​ used it in the sequel to if you do take a thief where Carl is alive!! — and Dorothy was a little skeptical of his near-religious devotion to the military but he was really hot and really devoted to her and they made it work

she's a little pissed that she was right but it's unbearable if she thinks about it too often

it's going to be a long, long time before she can look back on pictures of Baby Nile stomping around the house in her dad's combat boots (this is a Gina Prince Bythewood headcanon, whyyyyyyyy can I not find a link to where she said this)

she named their second baby Indus, Indy for short (this is nearly as established fanon in Book of Nile circles as how much Booker loves eating pussy, and Indy Freeman as a young adult is portrayed by either Aldis Hodge or John Boyega I don’t make the rules)

Work:

Dorothy did some office jobs but nothing really grabbed her, and she was probably gonna have to move for her husband's career, so she decided on teaching — high school humanities

she’s been active in CTU (one of the strongest teacher’s unions in the US) her whole career and one year she was on the bargaining committee and her babies know damn well never to trust a boss, not even one who says all the right things — if she ever finds out the way Nile said "like Quynh?" when Andy promised to protect her, she will lose her mind with pride

(Nile was 18 and freshly graduated from high school in 2012 when CTU went on strike for the first time in a generation and she brought her mom snacks on the picket line)

one of her very favorite things is getting her students to laugh despite themselves at her "oh my GOD you're so EMBARRASSING" old-people jokes

she's one of those teachers who can get 30+ teenagers to go dead silent with judicious application of body language

she's known to occasionally go easy on grading subjective things like essays when she knows students are having a particularly rough time at home, but the second she gets the feeling they're taking advantage and not trying their best that shit is over and they better mind their Ps & Qs

she's the kind of person who says old-people shit like that

she gives her students assignments like "help 5 neighbors register to vote" and "write a compare/contrast table about the candidates in this local election" and "research 5 different ways you could get grant money to do X" and other practical civic-minded shit

standardized testing is her supervillain origin story, just kidding it’s Rahm Emanuel, why the fuck did Obama trust that asshole

After her husband died:

she would have lost her goddamn mind if it weren't for her church friends after her husband died, people from the church raised money so they could make ends meet while his pension paperwork was taking forever, church friends watched Indy so Nile could go out for the soccer team, etc etc

she sold her and her late husband's house and moved to a 3-bedroom co-op unit when Nile started high school, it's more affordable and it meant she didn't have to worry about household repairs in the same way, she can use a wrench if she needs to but she doesn't have time and it just makes her grief flare up (co-op housing has a long history in Chicago and other US cities (like Washington DC where I live) as a way for Black people to access decent, affordable housing in the face of entrenched discrimination)

the move meant putting a longer commute between her and church, but she didn't even bother looking for a church closer to their new home, she loaded the kids into the car on the weekends, parking is hell in their new neighborhood but it's worth giving up a hard-won parking spot to not have to wait so long for the L on Sunday mornings

Indy lived with her through college and he was gearing up to get his own place when Nile died, Dorothy was planning to move into a one-bedroom in the co-op building because she doesn't need so much space anymore, Indy took a day off from his new job (not so new anymore, her baby's so grown!) to help her sort things to donate when those dress-uniform Marines came to their door

part of her wishes she could've been home more and not had to rely on Nile so much for help with Indy, but he's turned out such a kind young man, and he's a much better cook than his sister is (was, oh God — no wait, is! she’s alive! what do you mean you’ve been alive all this time??)

some of the girls from church are encouraging her to check out this social dancing thing, nobody's pressuring her to date but there's definitely been some ribbing, and with Indy out of the house... maybe? probably not, but maybe

Her feelings and beliefs and likes and dislikes:

she's an absolute badass and also she's a soft human woman with lots of feelings

she's very, very traditional in some ways, and part of her mixed feelings about Nile following in her dad's footsteps is gender stuff, she's proud of her daughter and would never stand in the way of what Nile wants to do with her life, and if Nile came home and told her she's a lesbian she would never reject her, but if Nile came home and told her she's bisexual maybe she can just try focusing on men? “I love you sweetheart and I want you to be happy I just know how hard it is already for us in this world” type shit

she has been on team natural hair basically her entire life and one of the worst fights she and Nile ever had was over Nile wanting to straighten her hair as a pre-teen

Indy takes more after her and Nile takes more after their dad, she's so proud of both of them, but Dorothy's activism was mostly wearing her natural hair to work and daring bosses to give her shit, Indy's out there marching in the streets like her parents had and she WORRIES

she teases Indy for going to so many protests like he's using it as an excuse to meet girls, but she WORRIES

when she turns 60, she gets box braids with streaks of dark purple, subtle enough that it's still work-appropriate but it makes her smile, she may be old now but damnit she’s still pretty!

she loves Grey's Anatomy and Star Trek and she watched Bridgerton all in one day

she has a dirty-old-lady celebrity crush on Chris Hemsworth

if she's ever masturbated thinking about Donna Summer, well, that's nobody's business but her own (do non-Americans know about the queen of disco??)

If you want to read fic featuring Dorothy:

I won't have to leave alone, 1000 words, Nile has a nightmare and decides to go tell her family she's immortal

I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore, 65k, Nile adjusts to immortality and does a lot of soul searching about what it means to "do what we think is right", Booker goes to grad school for trauma studies, the working title of this fic was Booker Reads Edward Said and Gloria Anzaldúa and Goes Down on Nile and the final product has an annotated bibliography in the author's notes if you’re into that kind of thing, a lot of my Dorothy Freeman headcanons were born of my process writing this

Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat, 2279 words, college AU, Nile brings her Jewish boyfriend home for Christmas

a contribution I made to Shitty Old Guard Deaths: (Booker, USA, 2025, cause of death: a mother’s righteous wrath)

[rainbowvamp]

This was just a cute concept that got out of hand. WARNING for mentions of the pandemic, and altered life due to it. Ik a lot of people write fic where it doesn’t exist, so I just wanted to let you know in advance. Also, modern AU, if that wasn’t clear. Gwen/Morgana. Because I’m gay. 

--

Wait. Morgwen roommates AU. Gwen’s ex-ish who she was still friends with has officially moved in with her boyfriend, and so she’s looking for a roommate. Lancelot (ex)’s new boyfriend Merlin has a brother who has a sister who is looking for a roommate! Why don’t you ring her up.

Gwen waits until the very last second because she doesn’t want a stranger to be her roommate, but rent’s due soon and she can’t make it on her own another month or she’ll have to start not eating.

So she calls up this Morgana girl that Is Lancelot’s boyfriend’s friend’s half-sister. 

And she possibly falls in love over the phone. She has a very lovely voice. And Gwen invites her to see the place the next time Morgana’s available (because Gwen’s working from home in the pandemic, but Morgana is a service worker while she does grad school, so her schedule’s a bit more limited.) 

When she shows up, Morgana is dressed in all black and this blood red lipstick that makes Gwen remember how bisexual she is, and she stammers through inviting her in, and it’s a little awkward for her, but Morgana seems to take it in stride. The all black outfit looks like something out of the best alt magazine she can imagine, but so much prettier because it’s all right there in front of her.

Morgana grins and looks like she knows exactly what she’s doing, then says, “I’ll take it.” 

And then they were roommates, and Gwen had a crush. It was very unfortunate for Gwen, but Morgana gets a good laugh out of it. A private laugh, of course, because Morgana is kind enough not to laugh in Gwen’s face for her obvious crush. Especially when she’s nursing a significantly less obvious crush of her own. She doesn’t usually go for the hyper femme look that Gwen’s got going on, but it just suits her so well, and Gwen looks great in lavender and flowing tops with batwing sleeves. 

They eat dinner together a couple nights a week when Morgana’s schedule allowed. Gwen’s got a knack for cooking, and Morgana’s better with baking (It’s chemistry, Gwen). So usually on days they eat together, Morgana puts some nonsense half-batch of baked goods together, and she and Gwen eat what they want while Morgana takes the rest in to work. (Really, no one pays service workers enough to handle human beings who are idiots. That’s the least she can do). 

When they’re working in the kitchen together, it’s always this combination nightmare-dream scenario. Where everything is going fine and they’re working around each other like they’ve always belonged like that, except suddenly one of them (usually Gwen) gets a bit distracted, or flustered, and then the whole operation falls apart. 

That might be a bit dramatic. The food only fell once. The baked goods sometimes also got over salted/chocolate chipped/floured or any number of things if Gwen bumped Morgana at the wrong time, but usually Morgana fixed it fairly easily. And she liked the challenge when it wasn’t easy, so it all worked out the same in the end. 

“I’m could kiss you.” Morgana said, when the cranberry speckled lemon bread turned out much better than she thought it would. “I don’t know how you managed to drop an entire bag of dried cranberries into this, but you’re a genius.” 

Gwen stuttered a reminder that it was an accident, which made Morgana bite her lip and offer Gwen a piece of the bread. Gwen tried to take it with her hand, but Morgana pulled back, just enough, and Gwen wrung her hands, worried her lower lip, before she leaned her head forward and let herself be fed. 

It was actually really good. 

“I think it’s got more to do with your skills than mine.” Gwen said after she’d chewed and swallowed. “What else did you add?” 

“Bit of orange zest, orange juice, less sugar because the cranberries were sweetened, did some things with the ratios to alter the texture. It’s more like a cake than a bread, but I’m not complaining,” She smiled and offered another bite to Gwen, who took it delicately, trying not to brush Morgana’s fingers with her lips. 

She failed. 

And she didn’t miss the way that Morgana’s eyes flicked briefly down to her lips. Guinevere pulled back to chew and moved to wipe a crumb from the corner of her mouth.

Morgana tilted her head while she watched, seemingly fascinated. 

“Come out with me tomorrow. There’s a silent socially distanced disco at the park. We’d have to bring our own headphones, but I've got a pair you can borrow.” 

Morgana smiled a little wickedly at the bashful way Gwen tilted her head and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Yeah, okay.”

“Excellent.” 

--

The silent disco turns to drive through coffee and a shitty movie back at home that they laugh at. Gwen makes popcorn (that Morgana adds way too much candy to) and Morgana carefully picks out the cleanest bits of popcorn to hoard on her lap until something she deems frustrating happens and she wants to throw them at the screen. There is a lot of popcorn on the floor, but it’ll be relatively easy to pick up. Morgana has made a habit of this behavior. 

Gwen can’t help but watch her instead of the movie when the shouting and the popcorn throwing happens. 

When the popcorn runs out and Morgana looks to Gwen, there’s a sparkle in her eyes. She looks so pleased with everything that Gwen just... kisses her.

It’s a quick kiss, a soft kiss, a stupid kiss. As soon as she does it she knows it’s a stupid thing to have done, but when she starts to pull back Morgana puts a hand behind her head and stops her when they’re barely an inch apart. 

“Do you mean it?” Morgana asked, and Gwen swallowed hard, but nodded. 

So Morgana leaned back in, and gave her a kiss to remember. 

Gwen might have turned to Jello. The popcorn bowl was mostly empty when it fell over because of Morgana’s eagerness to be in Gwen’s lap. It didn’t even occur to Gwen to be concerned because Morgana’s lips were so soft, and her hands were somehow very respectful and absolutely everywhere. Gwen had no idea what to do with her hands, so she just put them at Morgana’s waist and hoped that was fine. 

Morgana’s disco top (which she’d never changed from) rode up her stomach, and Gwen loved the feel over touching her skin almost as much as she loved the way that Morgana kissed her. Well, maybe not, Morgana was an excellent kisser.

The movie ended, but they didn’t really notice. They were sort of having a moment. 

[thesleepysphinx]

chp. 1: Whatever, hi

A/N: Here’s chapter 1! Let me know if I made any mistakes, I am super new to this! <3

Masterlist • Next

As you pull up to the historic university, you can’t help but gawk at the architecture and greenery surrounding it. Sure, you had visited her before on tours when deciding which university to attend, but you will never get over the beauty of the campus. You pull your car into the parking lot designated for students moving in and turn it off, draping the lanyard for your keys over the back of your neck to make sure you didn’t lose them. Before you even think about unloading anything from your car, you text your soon to be roommate, Mina. 

Hey, I just pulled up! Are you here yet?

You shove the phone in the pocket of your shorts immediately as you get out of the car, grabbing your backpack from the passenger seat. You get the bag situated on your shoulders and peer over towards your new dorm building. It was four stories tall and extremely wide, meant to house quite a number of the upperclassmen on campus. You sighed in relief knowing that you wouldn’t have to deal with 18 year olds who were being let loose for the first time in their lives. But you also sighed in annoyance remembering the dorm is co-op and you may have to deal with boisterous boys at all hours of the night. This should be interesting…

As you get lost in thought, still staring at the dorm and consequently the huge crowd of people forming in front of it, a buzz goes off in your pocket. You reach down and pull it out to see a response from Mina. 

Yeah I’m here!!!! There’s so many people! I’ll meet you at your car what does it look like??? Where are you parked???

After giving her a detailed description of your location and car, you lean against the back of it, observing the crowd. You notice there are a few other people hanging back, not wanting to get involved in the frenzy. So many people were so eager to move in all their belongings, but you just wanted to relax. After the two hour drive there, it felt good to just stand. But you wouldn’t be standing for long… Without warning, you’re tackled from the side and nearly fall to the ground, but you steady yourself with your sturdy car. Now draped over you is a pink haired and pink bodied girl in a similar outfit to yours, a black tank top with jean shorts. You recognize her from the selfies you’d sent back and forth. 

“Mina! You can’t kill me yet, we haven’t even moved in!” You laugh in feigned annoyance as you embrace her back. Though this is your first time meeting in person, the two of you had bonded a lot over text. She basically told you her entire life story, but it was all too much to digest. The most important details were that she was from Japan and came to the university with some friends from high school in a prestigious exchange student program. Apparently, she and her friends all excelled in different aspects of STEM fields and had worked on a large project together back in high school that earned them country-wide recognition. After she told you about all that, she wanted to add you into her group chat with her friends, but you declined, saying you’d rather meet them in person with her. She had responded to this with an “awww,” saying you were so sentimental and thoughtful. You were basically under the impression that she never has a negative thought at any moment of the day. 

After a few moments of squeezing the life out of you, Mina let’s go and excitedly starts talking. “I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you! And you’re even more adorable in person! And look! We have the same style, even!” She gestures to your basically matching outfits. 

You blush at her rushed compliment as you respond, “Normally I prefer leggings, but I didn’t want to be dying of heat stroke and drenched in sweat while we move our stuff in! Speaking of, where’s all your stuff?”

She points in a direction, and you follow her finger to a group of cars quite a ways out in the parking lot. There are five total cars all parked next to each other, with four people standing with them, the trunks of the cars open. 

“Oh, are those your friends?”

“You bet’cha! Come on! Come meet them!” She starts to pull you by the hand with all the might she can muster. You follow along, letting her drag you to the group. As you get closer, you can see that all of her friends are boys, with three of them standing while one sits on the tailgate of a truck. Mina yells out to them, “Hey, guys! This is her! This is Y/N!” 

Three of the boys wave, waiting till you get closer to actually say anything. Meanwhile the fourth one just glances at you, keeping one hand in his pocket while his other hand holds his phone, an earbud resting in one ear. Finally, Mina stops right in front of them and you come to a halt beside her, trying to catch your breath. 

As you wait to breathe normally, Mina speaks for you, “Everyone, this is my new roommate!” She presents you to them with enthusiasm, so much so that you almost feel like you’re supposed to be putting on some sort of show. 

You nervously lift a hand to wave to them and say, “Hey, guys! I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet all of you! Mina told me a lot about you guys!” You can recognize their faces from pictures Mina sent of all of them together, but you were having a hard time remembering the names. You rub the back of your neck in embarrassment. “Sorry, but I didn’t learn your names from the pictures she sent very well!”

“Don’t worry about it!” A boy with spiked red hair pipes up. He scoots himself off the tailgate of the truck and walks straight up to you. He holds a hand out for you to shake as he says, “I’m Kirishima! But since we’re in America, you can call me by my first name Eijiro!”

His positive vibes rival Mina’s! You think to yourself. You take his hand and shake it enthusiastically. Before you can say anything, a boy with black hair steps up as well. 

“And I’m Hanta! It’s nice t-.” Before he can finish, he’s lightly shoved by a golden blond boy. 

The boy points to himself with a thumbs up as he says, “Denki Kaminari! Y’know, Mina never mentioned how cute you are!” He leans in closer, as if to get a better look. You shrink back a little bit at having your personal space invaded. 

Mina speaks up for you once again. “I never mentioned it cause I didn’t want you bein’ creepy! Cut it out before you scare her and she never talks to me again!”

You giggle at Mina’s overdramatic nature. If there was one thing you were sure about, it was that you and Mina would get along very well as roommates. But as you surveyed the new friends standing in front of you, you noticed someone was missing. You look over Hanta’s shoulder to see the boy with ash blond spiky hair still has one hand in his pocket and is acting like you don’t exist. 

Eijiro notices your gaze and follows it. “Oi, get over here Bakubro, stop being such a downer!”

The boy responds in an angry growl, “Don’t call me that, Shitty Hair.” Though his voice is angry, he doesn’t even look up from his phone. 

Eijiro crosses his arms at him. “Dude, come on, you know you’re being an asshole. Just say hi.”

He sighs and finally tears his eyes away from his screen, locking eyes with you. “Whatever, hi, name’s Bakugo.” His eyes instantly move back to his phone. “There, happy?”

You move your hand to cover your mouth a bit to whisper to Mina, “Is he like this all the time?”

Mina basically deflates at this question as she answers, “Everyday since the first day of high school… It grows on you…” 

You seriously doubt that, but you take her word for it. You’re broken out of your thoughts as Bakugo speaks up with annoyance, “Are we gonna check in or what?”

You look behind you to see that at this point the check in area is much less crowded. “Yeah, it looks a lot less chaotic now!” You turn over to Mina once again. “So, um… Do we grab our stuff right now or do we grab it later?” You feel stupid asking that question, but you’ve never moved into a dorm before. Before today, you’d always lived at home with your family. 

The boys stare at you a little dumbfounded. But out of all the people to speak up, it’s the one that you deem the resident asshole. “Aren’t you a third-year? Haven’t you done this shit before?”

You look down at the asphalt in front of your feet as you explain, “I am, but I just transferred here from another school that doesn’t have dorms, so this is all new to me… Sorry if my stupidness gets in your way.” 

You’re instantly met with different phrases of reassurance, all of them melding together so you couldn’t decipher a single one. The only one to not provide reassurance is Bakugo… How the hell are all these positive people friends with him?

“Jeez, Mina, did you pack a damn dumbbell in here? The box is heavier than all hell!” You strain out through your teeth.

She strains to speak as well as she jokes, “Haha! Kiri would be the one packing dumbbells! But no, all of this is - is makeup!” She grunts as the two of you set the box down finally in the center of your shared dorm room. You have to admit that it is much larger than you expected. You each have a full size bed and full sized dresser and desk, all supplied by the university. All you were really expecting was a twin sized bed with little to no closet space. This was more than a pleasant surprise. 

You and Mina had worked together to get all of your stuff up to your second floor dorm. Unfortunately, the building didn’t have an elevator. You really didn’t envy those living on the fourth floor. With the last box finally set in the room you step back outside the door to observe your new home. You look to the side of the door to see “Room 226” on a plaque above a whiteboard meant for you and Mina to draw on as you pleased. You were lucky to get a corner room, so you would only have one neighbor. But, lucky you, that neighbor happened to be an asshole.

As you stood there marvelling, a gruff voice took you out of your trance. “What’s with the dumbass look, extra?”

You don’t even have to look to know who it is. Instead, you cross your arms and respond, “What does it take for you to not be an ass?”

Mina looks up from her unpacking to see you standing in the doorway and you listen to her desperate attempt to get you out of his line of fire. “Hey! Y/N, come help me figure out how to organize all this!”

You clench your jaw before making any other move. As you start to walk back into your dorm, you glance at Bakugo to find that he’s glistening in sweat from carrying his belongings up and down stairs in the heat. You only see his face for half a second, but you almost think you see amusement in his grin. How the hell am I supposed to stand living next to a smug asshole like him? Finally inside, you shut the door behind you with a loud slam. 

“How in the hell are you friends with that gremlin?!” 

Mina obviously tries to hold in a laugh, but fails miserably as she erupts into laughter. You look on in confusion, trying to wrap your head around why this is so funny. Eventually, her laughs subside a bit to answer you. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just that normally when people meet him they just avoid him instead of calling him out. He’s pretty rough around the edges, but he’s a good friend.” She starts to organize her makeup onto a shelf as she continues on. “Honestly, the rest of us are pretty eccentric and make a lot of bad decisions. Bakugo is the one to chew us out when we fuck up and set us on the right track.”

You start to rummage through your own belongings, hanging up some shirts in the closet. “Well if you ask me, he doesn’t have to be an asshole about everything. I knew him for all of five seconds and he was a dick!”

Mina giggles at your words, finishing up her display of makeup. “To be honest, so far he’s been pretty tame. You should have seen the guy back in high school. Hell, even last semester he was worse! Maybe something happened over summer to mellow him out.” She reaches for another box of her belongings as you finish up putting all your clothes in the closet and dresser. 

You reach for your own box and find it’s the one containing your sheets and comforter for your new bed. As you uncrumple the fitted sheet and turn to the bed, you realize something pretty significant. 

“Oh crap, I might have to share a wall with him… Ugh, whatever.”

“I can always switch with you if you like?” Mina suggests. 

“It’s fine, I can deal with it.” You fit your fitted sheet to the bed and throw your regular sheet on top of it, smoothing it out. “Besides, maybe I can subtly annoy him if he happens to share the wall. I don’t mind being petty.” 

After going back and forth between boxes and in-dorm storage for an hour or two, you and Mina had completed your move in. You both sit carefully deconstructing the boxes for your eventual move out of the dorms. Might as well save the boxes to save the trouble later! With the last boxes folded and tucked underneath your beds, you both step back to the doorway to observe the now decorated room. Luckily, this dorm building allows things to be mounted to the wall. 

You are more than impressed. “I still can’t believe the dorm is this big! Are all the dorm buildings like this?”

“Most of them are a lot smaller, but upperclassmen are given bigger spaces. With all this room for activities, we could have huge sleepovers!” Mina reaches her arms up towards the ceiling in excitement as her smile beams. 

Just as Mina let her arms down, a knock comes at the door behind you, making you jump a bit in surprise. Mina opens it immediately and comes to face Eijiro. His smile is so big that it matches Mina’s almost exactly. 

“Hey girls! We’re gonna go grab some of the free food they have over in the quad, you wanna come?”

Even though you didn’t think it was possible, Mina’s smile grows even bigger. “Hell yeah, perfect timing! We just finished up here! Come on, Y/N!”

You swiftly grab your keys from your desk and clip them onto your lanyard before walking out the door to join Mina and Eijiro in the hallway. As you do, you see he is also waiting in the hallway. You avoid eye contact with him, instead opting to keep your attention on Mina as you walk down the hall towards the stairs. But as your attention stays on her as you walk down the stairs, you feel eye burning holes in the back of your head. You ignore it for now, knowing that Bakugo is trying to get under your skin. Instead of looking back, you allow your pettiness to show. 

“I can’t believe how fun today already is, Mina! All of your friends have been so nice to me! Well, almost all of them!” You make sure your voice is projecting enough for Bakugo to hear. 

It sounds like you succeeded as you hear a soft, “Tch,” comes from behind you. But another sound catches your attention. 

Eijiro starts laughing uncontrollably at the comment, tears clouding his eyesight. He starts to stumble on the steps, unable to fully see where he is. He looks back at Bakugo and says, “She’s calling you out, bro! That’s rare!”

“Shut the hell up, Shitty Hair. Like I give a shit.” He continues walking down the steps past everyone. As he steps past you, the space is tight so he has to brush against you. The skin of his arm is warm, but no longer sweaty from moving in like it was earlier. You also notice the rippling muscle under the warm skin, his form fitting tank top leaving them completely exposed. You scold yourself in your head. Why do the assholes have to be so hot?

You continue after him with Eijiro finally catching his breath and recovering his eyesight. Mina grabs your arm and loops her own through it. “Damn, you really don’t mind petty! I must admit, it’s funny to see someone get Bakugo pissed off like that. And the best part is that he’s stuck with you since you’re our friend!”

You laugh at her point, countering it with, “Well, if he kills me one of these days, he won’t be stuck with me anymore!”

Bakugo continues walking, reaching the bottom of the stairs, as he mumbles back just loud enough for you to hear, “Don’t push your luck, dumbass.”

With a plate of free pizza in hand, you walk towards a nearby empty table. The tables are all round and have a white tablecloth on them. As you sit down, Mina sits on your other side, filling up another one of the 6 chairs around the table. Then next to her is Eijiro… then Denki… and Hanta… until there is just one seat left next to you. Bakugo sits down without hesitation with a plate of grilled chicken and a salad. As you look around, you notice everyone else has followed your lead and gotten pizza. Bakugo notices this too, it seems. 

“What the hell are you doing eating that crap?” he says to no one in particular. 

Eijiro is the first to answer. “Come on man, you know I’m a health nut, but I can’t turn down pizza!”

Next to you, you hear a, “Tch,” no doubt that it is once again Bakugo. “Health nut my ass, you’ve never even touched a stove to make your own food.”

“That’s a great idea!” Mina yells immediately as she stands from her seat, hands planted on the table. “We should all cook our food together! It’ll be so much fun!”

Once again, Mina’s enthusiasm triumphs over all. 

Hanta speaks up to add to Mina’s vague plan. “It’ll be cheaper too. Might as well!”

Everyone nods in agreement, mouths full of their food. Except Bakugo. He just keeps eating with no response towards your friend. How apathetic can one person be?

[xiiaoshuo]

💯💑 for auria / 💘😳 for emrys / 💗😉 for roman /💑💘 for la'akea ♥

ask games: 𝓈𝑒𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓎𝓂𝒷𝑜𝓁𝓈 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝒹𝒶𝓎

yeehaw!

💯 What is my muse’s ideal date?

preferrably , her partner is in on her little illegal activities && the two of them can spend the day tagging . afterwards , they could grab a bite at a local restaurant to go or share a couple drinks at a bar where they’ll hang out && chat for the rest of the night .

alternatively , if they aren’t in on it , she would genuinely enjoy an afternoon walk around the neighborhood . maybe see her or their favorite spots . they could pick something up to have at the park && talk for the most part , which is an excellent segue to the second question . . .

💑 What are my muse’s requirements for a potential partner?

auria would want someone that can keep up with her && stay at her level ! she wants someone who can && will challenge her on things , but with the intention to improve her — && she’d naturally return the favor . she’d love to spend time with someone who will talk about abstract things && she wants to be able to get to know her partner’s thoughts && ideas . so , the strong && silent type probably won’t work out with her .

a good sense of humor is also a must . she’s far from someone who’s a stickler for rules && wants to spend time wtih someone who won’t take life too seriously . that being said , she really does want someone with a good head on their shoulders or else she might get a little short with them . 

💘 What are the ways my muse says ‘I love you’ without actually saying it?

saying i love you without saying ‘ i love you ’ is 100% how emrys would say i love you , since he hates saying those three little words . first && foremost , he would stick around && spend a lot of time with someone he cares about . he’d actually go out of his way to help out ( which is a rarity for him in almost any relationship or situation ) , especially if it’s an inconvnience to him . 

emrys is also very physically affectionate . while he does enjoy sensual contact && sex , he’ll tend to pile himself on people he loves && cares about . sitting close , resting his head on their shoulders , laying across their laps — he’ll practically do everything to maintain physical contact as his way to say ‘ i love you . ’ also that quality time will likely be spent in quiet while doing other activities — another rarity for emrys since he usually likes to be up && doing something if he’s with another person who he’s not as close to .

😳 What was my muse’s worst romantic/sexual relationship?

l m a o uhhh i mean a number of his sexual interactions have ended in him getting murdered . like a lot more than most people which is to say more than once because of the immortal thing , so those were pretty negative experiences .

besides that , the worst ones were probably when he first started having sex . as emrys got older , he’s gotten more discerning about who he’d enjoy sleeping with && is more instructive in bed about what feels good . when he was younger though , he not only had no clue what he liked , but also was less willing to be assertive . 

he had an unfortunately long on-again-off-again relationship / fuckbuddy in late high school && the sex was terrible . the guy made entirely too much fucking noise && not the sexy kind && the dirty talk was bad . he was also typically oblivious if emrys wasn’t into whatever they were doing && kept going if he was enjoying himself . the guy had a habit of hit emrys up at the worst times as well , yet never seemed to reply when emrys tried to arrange a time to meet . suffice to say , it was a shitty but very formative relationship for emrys in terms of being more clear && demanding about what he likes && wants .

💗 Has my muse ever been in love?

oh fucking boy has he . in both verses , roman was deeply in love with his high school sweetheart , emma . they met in sophomore year at a concert that roman was doing tech && crew for . he didn’t really peg her for someone who’d enjoy punk rock && actually was teasing her about it when they met but she was very quick to prove him wrong . 

the two of them were practically inseperable after that . they spent all their time together , even in silence . so he took her death incredibly hard && didn’t date for a few years afterwards ;; this beyond the fact that he had some pretty big life changes after her death . though he’s come around && started seeing && dating people here && there , he still very much is hung up on emma’s death .

😉 What are my muse’s fetishes/kinks?

god , roman is very in love with any woman that looks like she could kick his ass . is that a fetish ? it definitely is a turn on . the man 100% gets pegged && is not shy about talking about it , if it comes up as a possibility . he’s somewhat ambivalent when it comes to oral ( giving or receiving ) , but does generally enjoy it on both ends . he’s also into things like car sex and sex in other unconventional places but otherwise , roman is a pretty average dude l m a o

💑 What are my muse’s requirements for a potential partner?

la’akea is likely somewhere on the spectrum of greyromantic but is open to the idea of a monogamous , romantic relationship — it just isn’t top of mind for him . the first && most important requirement is that they get along with his kids && his kids like them . if either ehukai or kiana express that they dislike them , it’s really not going to work out .

beyond that , la’akea isn’t someone who likes to be around high strung people haha uh oh . he’d want to be around someone who can slow down && enjoy the little things in life . though he’d love a partner who will go hiking && camping with him , he’d also be very supportive of whatever hobbies they’d have . it’s also a definite bonus if they’re willing to be his pastry guinea pig && give him feedback on his work !

💘 What are the ways my muse says ‘I love you’ without actually saying it?

in general , la’akea isn’t shy about saying i love you . not to his kids , not to his friends — he wants his love to be known . but he also expresses his love in other ways . his love language is definitely in acts of service ;; he’ll wake up in the middle of the night to put a blanket on them && make sure they’re comfortable . on bad days , he’ll prepare their favorite meal or bake their favorite pastry to take with them . when he’s out && about , he’ll bring home little tchochkis or memorabilia that reminded him of the person he loves . if he’s away , he’s definitely someone who texts often or sends things like postcards . he’s also a listener && happy to sit && listen to someone vent without interruption or offering advice if that’s not what’s needed at the moment . 

[bangtan-madi]

Top Albums of 2020

I was tagged by the amazing @joonni to list my top nine twelve albums of 2020! This was honestly so hard, but so fun. I love any tags to do with music xD (Your music taste was amazing btw! Sorry I went a little crazy and did a few extra lol.) Thanks lovie 💓

I went with the albums that I loved as whole (aka I loved most, if not all, of the songs) and listened to the most this year. Some choices have deeper meanings, while others were just flat-out enjoyable. I also stuck with albums that came out this year only, but I wasn’t sure if that was inherently part of the challenge. I wasn’t too picky on the criteria, just went with the ones that made up the score for my 2020. All albums have Spotify links incase something catches your eye! (Apologies for my extra-ness; I added recommendations from each album and a brief...ish explanation as to why it made the list.)

Also, they’re in no particular order, because this was difficult enough...

Map of the Soul: 7 by BTS

Explanation — This album was my first comeback as part of the BTS Army. There are so many tracks that I adore, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I was so excited for music. It breathed life into my Spotify, it was the album I listened to the most this year, and Black Swan was my most listened song. The differing music genres that they played with, all the way from orchestral to trap to hip hop and synth pop, left me more and more excited as the songs progressed. If there was a #1 on this list, it would be MOTS:7.

Highlights — Interlude: Shadow, Black Swan, ON, We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal

Zero: Fever Part.1 by Ateez

Explanation — This was the soundtrack to my summer. I hadn’t heard much from Ateez, but what I had heard, I wasn’t a huge fan of? Maybe I hadn’t been grabbed yet, but oh boy. Zero: Fever definitely did that. Every track is such high energy and memorable, so it was so hard to pick favorites! I’ll always think back on this one for summer, and will be transported back to plenty of sunset commutes.

Highlights — Fever, Thanxx, One Day At A Time

The Dream Chapter: Eternity by Tomorrow x Together

Explanation — Until this mini album, I had only listened to TXT in passing. I liked their stuff, but I feel like this is where they really found their stride. TDC:E caught me totally off-guard, in the best way possible. To me at least, this one is a work of art. Each of the six tracks is so entrancing, and so different from each other while still working together as a cohesive story. And don’t even get me started on the MVs! This is an album that I listen to for feels and fun, which to me, TXT are just brilliant at. 

Highlights — Fairy of Shampoo, Maze in the Mirror, Eternally

Dystopia: The Tree of Language by Dreamcatcher

Explanation — It took me forever to find a girl group that I could really stan, like hardcore. This comeback for Dreamcatcher was when I realized they were it for me. This album in particular is so diverse. Their voices are both haunting and beautiful, and the way they interweave rock/alternative elements into their music has always turned my ear. They are so different from so many other girl groups out there, from the sound to their stage presence to their aesthetic. I will never stop talking about them, and this album really shows the best of their work thus far.

Highlights — Red Sun, Sahara, Paradise

BE by BTS

Explanation — How could BE not be on this list? What a perfect end to a shitty year. There’s something so comforting yet uplifting about this one, and I will happily admit I cried when I first heard Blue & Grey. Who am I kidding, I still do. There’s only one other artist I have listed on here with two albums, so BTS is in good company. What more is there to say other than BE was the warm hug we all needed.

Highlights — Life Goes On, Blue & Grey, Dis-ease, Stay

Heng:garae by Seventeen

Explanation — This is another group that I hadn’t listened to much before this album. I was so surprised and excited. Every song that passed, I found myself smiling more. Their voices are astoundingly beautiful, and the songs are sickeningly catchy. Another album that I go to just to have fun. It’s one of my favorites to just put on when a day is good, but doesn’t Seventeen make it a little better regardless?

Highlights — Fearless, Kidult, I Wish, Together

The Untamed by various

Explanation — If you’ve seen the Chinese drama The Untamed, then you know exactly why this is on there. This album is a collection of songs that are themes for the characters in the show, most of which are sung by the actors themselves. Let me tell you; I don’t know a lick of Mandarin, but these are some of the most stunning songs I’ve ever heard. It’s one of the things that drew me to the drama to begin with; everything, including the music, is breathtaking. The classical Chinese sound plays so well with the character’s stories and singer’s vocals. They tell stories all on their own and give the drama so much depth. Even if you’re not a fan of the show or webtoon it’s based on, give this one a listen. You won’t be disappointed!

Highlights — [Wen Qing] woodland, [Wen Ning] Chi Ni, [Lan Xichen] Bu You, [Jiang Yanli & Jin Zixuan] Yong Ge, [Interlude] Yi Nan Ping, [Nie Minghao & Nie Huaisang] Qing He Ju

Humanity (Chapters I & II) by Thomas Bergersen

Explanation — If you know anything about me, you know how important orchestral music is to me. It’s been a huge part of my music journey ever since I was in middle school. Thomas Bergersen has been my favorite composer for years; the way he integrates the classical with the modern is just...there are no words. These two albums cannot be listed separately; they’re part of a seven-part project titled Humanity. Chapters I & II came out in 2020, and honestly, I have no words. The way he tells a story through almost entirely lyric-less work is just immaculate. I’ve never felt more powerful, emotional, or inspired than when listening to these two. I cried when I first heard Your Imagination and Materialize. No matter how I am feeling, whether I need inspiration or hope or just some peace of mind, I go here. I’ve never felt more healed than when listening to his work. If you take a chance to listen to anything on this list, PLEASE. Give these a try. 

Highlights — We Are One, Wings, Humanity, Your Imagination, Materialize, Innocence, The Stars Are Coming Home

Brightest Blue by Ellie Goulding

Explanation — I don’t listen to a ton of western music that isn’t orchestral or lofi, but I used to adore Ellie Goulding. Halcyon was my entire teen-hood. When I saw she came out with a new album this year, I gave it a listen for sentimentality reasons. And boy, I still love her. Her voice is both angelic and haunting, and her sound is so unique. The messages given in these songs are powerful, potent, a tad bit bittersweet, and especially valid for young women navigating adult life. Also the instrumentals backing her vocals are often big and grand and symphonic, filled with piano and violin. That’s enough to get me to listen. And to top it all off, the collabs she has on this album are so fitting for each track, it’s absolutely beautiful.

Highlights — Start, Cyan, Ode To Myself, Woman, Flux, Overture, Slow Grenade, Hate Me

Beneath Your Waves by Sleepy Fish

Explanation — If there’s one kind of music that shuts off the little anxiety bug in my brain and gets me to work, one that isn’t as intense as orchestral music and that doesn’t put me into sensory overload like orchestral sometimes does, it’s lofi. And Sleepy Fish does it so freakin’ well. This album that came out this year is one of my most often repeated over and over. When I’m struggling with sensory issues at work, I put this one repeat and my mind just...goes...quiet. It’s like medicine. And the tunes are so catchy and sweet. I’m instantly transported to someplace magical, some seaside city straight out of a Ghibli film, and far away from the things that are troubling me. Then I can finally get some work done, get to sleep, or just quiet my mind. If you struggle with sensory issues or anxiety like I do, give this album a shot. Also, the album titled My Room Becomes The Sea from 2019 is excellent.

Highlights — Velocities, Sunbreak, Swimming, Nights Like These, Winter Winter

WOOPS! by Woodz

Explanation — Another mini album that is just a blast to listen to, but it also has such a soft side that hits me in the feels. I don’t see a lot of people talking about Woodz, but you all should give him a listen. He’s so talented, and his voice on this one is just *chef’s kiss* everything. The mixing is also impeccable and pairs so well with his vocals.

Highlights — Bump Bump, On my own, Sweater, Tide

D-2 by Agust D

Explanation — I mean, we all knew this one was gonna be dope. Yoongi did not disappoint. This mixtape is so different from most of the stuff I listen to, but I absolutely adored it. The truth and rhythm and pure talent in each and every verse stuns me still. I find myself especially drawn to this one when I’m frustrated (not exclusively, but often, ‘cause 2020.) Both his truth and sound give me a safe place to feel that frustration and anxiety and vent/work through it. I don’t know what it is about Yoongi, but to me, all of his work is like a comforting friend going, “Hey, you’re totally valid and okay for feeling this way...but it sucks, doesn’t it?” 

Highlights — Daechwita, People, Dear my friend

Now, I’ll tag these lovely people! Only if you wanna :)

@kooala​ @cultleaderyoongi​ @yoontopia​ @hobicomeholla29​ @helenazbmrskai​ @moon-write​ @dreamcatcherjiah​ @ditttiii​

[ndbookreviews]

The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily Review

The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

Genres: young adult, fiction, contemporary, romance

Rep: adhd (main character), autism (love interest)

Is the author part of the groups they’re writing for?

Laura Creedle is ADHD but to my knowledge isn’t autistic.

Synopsis:

When Lily Michaels-Ryan ditches her ADHD meds and lands in detention with Abelard, who has Asperger’s, she’s intrigued—Abelard seems thirty seconds behind, while she feels thirty seconds ahead. It doesn't hurt that he’s brilliant and beautiful.

When Abelard posts a quote from The Letters of Abelard and Heloise online, their mutual affinity for ancient love letters connects them. The two fall for each other. Hard. But is it enough to bridge their differences in person?

This hilarious, heartbreaking story of human connection between two neurodivergent teens creates characters that will stay with you long after you finish reading.

Would I Recommend?

No. This book made me so angry after reading it if weren’t the middle of the night I might’ve thrown my phone across the room. 

It started out really strong and held a lot of promise for me, finally a book about adhd and autistic people interacting! A book with more than one neurodivergent character! And it’s a romance!

Well. It sucked.

The book starts with Lily and Abelard breaking a door together by accident, like one of those shitty sliding doors they use to divide rooms, and end up in detention together. They start talking and Lily, who obviously has a crush, awkwardly kisses him. This in itself is an annoying trope in YA in general but I also resent the implication that she impulsively kisses him because she was off her meds. Maybe this is one of those cases where personal experience varies but I’ve never forced a kiss on anyone because of my ADHD. 

Through a series of shenanigans Lily and Abelard start texting each other and quickly start dating. Most of their interactions are limited to text and email which is not very romantic but honestly since they don’t seem to be in any of the same classes and he has extracurriculars this isn’t THAT much of a stretch to me. 

Most of their conversations are taken from the novel The Letters of Abelard and Heloise (hence the title) as sort of a game where they try to take quotes from the novel to fit the conversation they are having. Honestly this is kind of cute if a little dorky. 

Both Abelard and Lily have strained relationships with their mothers; Lily’s mother never listens to her about how her medication is making her feel and doesn’t try at all to understand ADHD or her daughter. Abelard’s mother is like, the stereotypical autism mom and treats him like a child even though he’s in high school (I’m pretty sure they are juniors but I’m not sure). 

Lily also has a complicated relationship with her father who left them to pursue his passion project. In the beginning of the book she wants to go live with him and attend the experimental farming school he was working on for kids who don’t excel in typical school environments. Her mother had originally promised that she could go if she kept her grades up, but as this requirement becomes impossible for Lily (because she has literally no support at home or at school), Lily instead decides that she will flunk out of school to convince her mother to let her live with her dad. 

As it turns out, her mother’s promise was a lie the whole time anyway, and in true flaky deadbeat dad style, he doesn’t even have the school anymore but he does have a new wife and son. 

Abelard kind of takes a backseat to Lily’s family drama around this point in the book. 

Lily’s mother tells her she wants Lily to consider undergoing an experimental surgery to cure her ADHD (you see why I hate this book now?). At first Lily is hesitant for obvious reasons, as it’s literal brain surgery and this is coming from the woman who has literally done nothing but try to change Lily all her life. 

Of course, then her father comes to visit and she realizes how much he sucks actually and it’s sort of implied he also has ADHD? And so she decides she doesn’t want to end up like him and wants to go to college so she decides to undergo the experimental brain surgery. Yeah. Really. 

There is some more background relationship drama but honestly after the first few chapters their relationship gets barely any development and is not really central to the story at all, despite the title.

And finally I can talk about how much I detest this book. 

For one thing, from what I can find the experimental brain surgery Lily is supposed to undergo doesn’t exist (thank god). While if it did this book would be a whole different kind of problematic, it is kind of infuriating that the only solution Lily finds at the end is something that isn’t something that translates to real life. I can’t even imagine how I would have felt reading this when I was younger and struggling a lot more with school. 

The idea that the only hope someone with ADHD has to live a productive life and not end up a deadbeat is something that doesn’t even exist is so incredibly harmful. The issues in Lily’s life were not caused by her ADHD, they were caused by the adults in her life refusing to accommodate her even to the bare minimum they were supposed to. 

This book honestly feels like wish-fulfillment written by a struggling high schooler; it should have never seen the light of day. Everyone has times they struggle with the complications ADHD can cause, but writing your insecurities into a published novel without any sort of criticism of them is embarrassing at least and actively harmful at worst. 

Abelard barely has any personality and fits literally every criticized stereotype of autistic characters ever. He’s white, stoic, interested in stem, a genius, etc. He was boring and abandoned halfway through the book so he never really gains any characterization. Also the book ends with them being in a nebulous long-distance relationship anyway so it’s not even a particularly good romance. 

All-in-all, this book makes me angry to have ever even heard of it, especially since I did actually like parts of the beginning and had high hopes for it.

[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

[ohwereusingourmadeupnames]

It’s the Colours You Have

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark Rating: Mature (M)  Notes: This is my ballet au fill for @starkerfestivals summer bingo. I had a lot of fun doing some research and watching some ballet to get a feel for this one - here’s hoping you enjoy! (Title is from Colours by Grouplove) Warnings: Peter suffers a pretty not good injury and there’s some NSWF stuff.  Summary: 

Peter Parker grew up in the dance studio and thought his entire life would revolve around it. All of a sudden, an injury takes that dream out from under him. He finds a way to stay in the world of dance through photography, his knowledge giving his work a different edge. What happens when he meets Tony Stark, a new dancer for NYCB? (Love stuff happens, that's what.)

Read on AO3 here.

Peter always thought professional dance would be his life.

At a young age, he convinced Uncle Ben to let him try one of the local studio’s classes. It took a bit of convincing – Peter was 6 years old at the time and didn’t quite understand the man’s hesitance. In the months leading up to Peter’s plea, he danced around the sofa in their living room and obsessively watched Step Up – where most boys his age were rolling around in the dirt, Peter studied the lines of dancers’ bodies and pictured himself making those same exact moves.

After what felt like a lifetime for Peter, Ben finally gave in and signed him up for all of the classes available. In his excitement, Peter took everything seriously and excelled through the beginner’s classes before the year was over. Madame Romanoff pulled Ben and May aside when sign-ups and company auditions for the next year were about to take place – in the simplest of terms, she let them know how talented of a dancer Peter was; he needed to be taking more advanced classes.

So, he did – Ben and May didn’t hesitate to put him where he needed to be; they already knew his potential, he was steadily moving through grades at school, too. Their nephew had an innate sense of talent for just about everything. Peter put his entire being into the things he liked – it made putting the squeeze in worth it. For a while, he didn’t see what that meant for the two of them – he simply enjoyed the fact that he could dance and get better at it with every single day that passed.

Landing a place on Romanoff’s dance company gave him access to top notch ballet instructors. He was very small but made up for it in the strength that he possessed. With the intention of making him one of the male pas de deux dancers, Peter cut out the rest of his classes and focused solely on ballet and pointe. It made him feel powerful and in a lot of ways beautiful, too. Even if it was weird for boys his age to love dance and feel their best while doing it. He’d gladly take the teasing – Peter loved to dance and no one was going to stop him.

The dance world took him under and guided all of his decision making. Peter worked hard all of middle school to get into Midtown Fine Arts and Dance, a high school that catered to those that were seeking entry into art’s colleges like Juilliard and TISCH. Getting in was a validation he’d been searching for and everything about his life moved to revolve around his time there.

Between Romanoff’s and Midtown, Peter was working so hard that he didn’t even realize he’d put himself in a position where his body couldn’t handle the stress. He wanted to get into Juilliard so bad and knew the only way he’d be able to go was through a scholarship. In every class since his freshman year, Peter heard about senior showcases and how every second in the walls of Midtown were preparation for that.

Every dancing piece in productions, Peter took part in. Whenever they needed a volunteer teacher to run through the parts with the younger kids, Peter volunteered. The desire to succeed overwhelmed him and by the time he got around to preparing for his senior showcase, he was at a loss and so physically exhausted, there were times when he didn’t know how he was actually still standing.

That should’ve been a clue – the fact that every part of his day felt like a chore, and that when he sat down to rest, he was comatose within seconds. Other things were trying to warn him of the ultimate shut down coming his way. His toes never recovered from the extensive pointe exercises and his muscles were always aching. If he knew that pushing himself would have been the thing that brought the world he created down – well, he still probably would have done it.

Two weeks before senior showcases, Peter was warming up when he felt a sharp shift in his lower back during a turn. The wince it pulled from him almost doubled him over. He stopped suddenly and took a couple of limping steps towards the long bar across the back wall. Hiking his leg onto the bar, Peter let out a loud ‘fuck’ when he felt the shift again. The want to keep going couldn’t override the numbness he felt in his toes.

As elegantly as he could, Peter hit ground and laid down as flat as he could, his entire lower back on fire.

It took 3 people to get him up off the ground; any sort of shift in weight made the source of his pain explode with unmanageable stimulus. Peter didn’t remember much of the movement from the floor to a gurney and into the back of an ambulance – his brain turned off to counteract the significant shift in his life happening.

The next few hours were spent getting scans and assessments done – Peter floated along from one place to another in the haze of the drugs they gave him to relieve the world ending pain. He didn’t need to hear the doctor’s words after he saw the look in his eyes – any chance of getting to Juilliard on his feet was out the window. 2 fractured lumbar vertebrae that would need to be fused and 3 ruptured disks were the thing to finally take him out. He wondered briefly, if Flash would feel undercut by his injury – he’d been gunning after Peter for years.

Thankfully, Midtown was sympathetic to his situation and let him stay around to finish the end of the year and graduate. It took a lot out of him to gimp around and be within viewing distance of the classes he’d been leading only days prior.

Being stuck with a walker for the first couple of weeks after his back surgery pushed him to work hard and get his feet back under him. Though he’d never get to dance again, at least he could walk – walking was one of the things Peter wanted to be able to do for the rest of his life. The necessity to put his all into walking and just getting around took the brunt of the blow off losing dance – it served as a good distraction, at least.

By the time the second part of his senior year came around, Peter was able to walk and get around. He was looking forward to finishing up his school year and finding out what the rest his life would be like without dance. Yet, he also longed to be close to the one thing he loved so dearly. And thankfully, Madame Romanoff offered him a good solution right before the big company recital at the end of the year.

When he walked into the studio, his heart thumped painfully against his chest. It felt like such a long time since he walked through the doors and caught his reflection in the mirror upon first glance up. A part of him wanted to walk over to the bar at the back of the room and start his stretching process, that piece of him craved the elegance of his long lines and powerful turns. Yet, the rational part of him understood that walking was more important and pushed him to move further into the studio towards Natasha’s office.

“Ah, Mr. Parker – glad you could join me. Please, have a seat,” Natasha said the second he walked in the door, the dark red lipstick coating her lips making her smile look big and bright. She kept her hair in the traditional ballerina bun and walked around in high heels – but she was kind and knew talent when she saw it. Grimacing at the little bit of a twinge he still felt, Peter took a seat in the chair in front of her desk, his fingers knitting together in front of him.

“I’ll cut right to the point. Life has dealt you a shitty card and it’s ridiculously unfair. You should be involved in dance, Peter. It’s a part of you. So, I thought – why not see if you can capture it, instead.” She turned in the big chair she was sitting in and grabbed something off the filing cabinet behind her. The fancy camera with the biggest lens he’d ever seen coming into view was not what he expected.

Her smile grew when she saw the look on his face. The whiteness of her teeth was slightly intimidating, even now, after knowing her for more than 10 years. Peter tossed a smile back her way and looked tentatively at the camera now sitting on her desk.

“What’s that, Madame Romanoff?” Peter asked, unable to keep the curiosity from getting the best of him. He was always on the other side of pictures and hadn’t picked up a camera ever in his life. The big screen and fancy dial on the back looked intimidating from where he sat, and he hadn’t even picked it up yet.

“Go ahead, Peter – it’s my solution. Figure out how to use it and then apply what you know about the art of dance to the art of photography. You know what’s beautiful. Long lines, sharp movement patterns – the beauty of a picture is how you capture it. The technical shit can be learned, the inherent knowledge you have about dance can’t.” She grinned wider when he didn’t hesitate to take the heavy camera from her.

“I want you to come to classes. You have a home in this studio, Peter. Don’t think because you’re not using your feet doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of what we do here.”

With that, she shot him another smile, then shooed him out of her office with a swift flick of her wrist.

----

Taking to the task like he tried to do with everything else, Peter dug his nose into the Canon Mark IV 5D user manual that he found online and figured out how to change the settings on the camera. It blew his mind, how many things the camera could do and how in depth the pictures could be. That was the first step.

After another couple of weeks of figuring the camera out and taking it with him on the daily walks he started embarking upon during his recovery – Peter finally felt comfortable enough to return to Romanoff’s in an attempt to do exactly what she said; capture dance.

It took a while – a lot of trial and error and frustration that Peter hadn’t ever experienced before. Things usually came easy for him. Yet, the more he did it, the better he started to feel about it. Thoughts of graduation and the future were out the window for a while – Peter dedicated himself to figuring out how to keep a foot in the world that seemed so unfairly gone from him.

He shot the end of the year recital and felt proud of the results that he ended up with. Of course, it wasn’t nearly as fulfilling as actually being on the stage, but – it brought him a sense of happiness, nonetheless. When he handed over the files to Natasha, she pulled him in for a hug. The clench of her arms kept him close, the words she whispered to him abundantly clear – “There you are.”

For some reason, those words hit him hard. His injury at the beginning of the year took a lot from him. With his rehab and the changes that came with the debilitating loss of the use of his body to create an art he devoted his life to, Peter bounced around, slightly lost. The realization that he could still connect with dance drove him forward – finally, Peter felt like he had a direction again.

Trying to get into TISCH’s photography program was a nerve-wracking experience and forced him to have to really evaluate why he wanted to make still frame his focus. The life of movement stayed alive in the photographs and he grasped onto that through the application and interview processes. His portfolio and approach must’ve been enough – Peter got acceptance and scholarship money to start the next semester.

Natasha, upon learning that he’d be in town and pursuing photography, brought him on as the in-house photographer. It didn’t pay much, but he got to have unlimited access to subjects and people that were always looking to show off the skills they worked so diligently to achieve. Peter appreciated the opportunity that Natasha provided and worked hard to provide her with his increasing talents.

Little by little, Peter honed in on his skill and absorbed as much knowledge as he could in his classes and on the job. College passed by in a blur of attending company ballet and TISCH dance productions to shoot as much as he could. He put his work in every showcase available to him and learned from the critique that people threw his way. In the dance world, critique was fodder and fed into the challenge that photography constantly imposed upon him.

Upon graduating, Peter took a job with Juilliard in the arts department as a media director and took care of the photography and visuals for all of the productions the entirety of the department put on. And because Juilliard had a direct link with New York City Ballet, Peter did the media for them as well.

When he took a step back and looked at it, his life was still wrapped around dance – and now, he didn’t have to sweat it out and perform on the stage to be directly within it. He lived in a great apartment in Manhattan and got to see his Aunt May every Sunday for whatever concoction she decided to come up with for them. All and all – his set up wasn’t terrible. Now that he had his professional life worked out, Peter felt desperate to see where the other parts of his life could take him.

As luck would have it – Peter got a nudge in right direction a couple of weeks later when he found himself in the Lincoln Center waiting for the dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker. It was one of his favorite ballets and he enjoyed being able to shoot the multitude of versions he’d get to see throughout the holiday season. And if rumor was to be believed, there was a new prince dancing with the prima ballerina.

The music started up a little while later and Peter got lost in the movements. He didn’t need to take any snaps tonight, but wanted to make sure he knew what the lighting looked like and where every group would be coming in from. Since he was working both video and film, he needed to be able to shoot from all angles. For a while, he let his camera dangle from his side and just let the dance run away with him.

By the time it got to the Prince and Sugarplum Fairy’s dance, Peter had his camera poised over his eye, the entirety of the pass one of the most important things he needed to get during the show. Their initial andante maestoso brought the two of them on the stage and in a swift dance across it – the prince in fact a totally different one than the year before. His tight calves and well sculpted thighs and hips were packed into white tights that highlighted every one of his movements.

Peter’s finger stuttered a few times through the tarantella, his focus on the dancer’s beauty and strength as he leapt and landed across the stage. When he pulled the camera down to make sure he got at least a couple of shots to play around with, Peter sucked in a sharp breath – the man was even more gorgeous than he expected, the details of his well-kept facial hair and dark brown eyes standing out the most.

Satisfied that he knew enough about the show, Peter packed up his equipment and headed out before the final act with all of the dancers came on – he knew from experience that it would be a free for all and didn’t need to plan for that. He wanted to play around with some of the images and got lost in the thoughts of the prince as he was walking out – not noticing that he was walking right into someone until well after they collided.

“Holy shit,” Peter gasped out, his long-lost dancing skill coming into play when he managed to turn and barely hit the person, instead of barreling through them and bringing them both to the ground. “I’m so sorry!” Peter put a hand on the wall and let his heart rate calm down before looking over at the person he almost took out.

His stomach dropped when he noticed the dancer he’d been eyeing up from his spot at the edge of the stage – his eyes were even darker up close and his mouth pulled into the most charming of smiles. Sucking in a breath, Peter just barely stopped himself from slapping his hands over his face. A dark red blush moved across his cheeks instead, the heat of it warming up his skin alarmingly.

“You’re pretty quick on your feet,” the man said instead of the 20 other things that could have easily come out of his mouth. Peter quirked a brow and let the slightest trace of a smile slip across his lips.

“I used to dance,” Peter replied quickly, the openness he was feeling in that moment as fleeting as some of the grumpier moods he sometimes found himself in. “Glad I still have it.” That made him smile wider, Peter a little surprised when the man across from him also smiled. It led to the slightest wrinkles in his cheeks and made Peter’s heart race.

Before the man could say anything else, a wide stagehand came walking down the hall, his eyes intent on them. “Tony, it’s the final number – you’re up.”

They shared another looked before the man, Tony, turned and started walking back in the direction he came from. Peter felt himself smiling and was surprised to see Tony holding the dressing room door open, his arm and head peeking out from behind it. “What’s your name?” He looked at Peter hopefully, his eyes wide.

Peter tightened his grip on the case he’d been pulling behind himself and let a couple of heartbeats pass before he answered – it was important that he thought before he spoke. “I’m Peter Parker,” he finally remarked, his eyebrows knitting slightly.

With a wave, Tony shot him a wink and started to disappear behind the door. “See you later, Peter Parker.”

----

The next 5 days were busy and filled with too much looking down the scope of the camera and 3 showings of The Nutcracker daily. Despite that, Peter found some time to look up the beautiful dancer – the name Tony was enough to get him a full career rundown and multiple links to pictures and videos of his past performances. Though a little older, Tony Stark seemed to be hitting the peak of his career now, instead of at a young age like most dancers. The write up he looked through said something about engineering, but he didn’t delve any further. It felt a little weird to have looked as deeply as he did to begin with.

Every night, Peter found himself watching Tony a little closer – he was all long limbs and taut muscle, his form technical but not exactly perfect. His lifts were where he excelled, though – the bundles of muscles waiting to spring into action were stretched to the limit, making the intensity of his strength standout even more.

Unable to find the courage to actually approach him, Peter spent too much time editing the images of him, ever click of his mouse meticulous and precise to create the perfect balance of camera work and Photoshop manipulation. After too many nights of it, Peter forced himself to acknowledge that talking to Tony seemed pretty necessary. Making sure to put some of his favorite on his phone, Peter felt resolved to at least show some of his work off in guise of starting up a conversation.

The final show came around with excited energy – Peter always enjoyed the last curtain call the best; there was always a certain sense of satisfaction that only that round of applause could bring. He switched up his shooting position and did some clicking from the flanks to catch a little backstage action – the decision proving to be a good one when he heard a throat clear during the first act.

“Fancy seeing you here, Peter Parker,” Tony said, his eyes shining in the bright light streaming in from the stage. He looked at Peter without blinking, a slight tilt to his head.

Peter forced himself to take a couple of breaths, his head suddenly spinning from the flush of epinephrine that his sympathetic nervous system decided shoot through his veins. The excitement of bumping into Tony probably more than obvious. “Right – fancy seeing the photographer taking photos,” Peter replied as he moved the camera to his eye and took a couple of quick shots of Tony who’d started to stretch in the open space around them.

Tony’s beaming smile made Peter’s breath catch, his eyes going to the back of the camera out of habit – the image he found there already one of his favorites of the bunch. Looking up, he gestured down at the camera in his hand. “Want to see?” Peter asked, his hands already turning it, making it more inviting for the man.

It took everything in him not to watch Tony walk towards him in the sheer shirt that, in the light, made his tanned skin stand out through the white fabric. At this closeness, the tights on his legs were translucent, Peter privy to the thick vein that ran from Tony’s calf all the way across the front of his highly muscled thigh. All those details in just the span of 5 steps – Peter wondered what he would find with an unlimited amount of time to explore him.

Shaking his head, Peter forced himself to focus when he felt the inevitable warmth of another human body getting close to him. He used his thumb to scroll back through the last 4 images he shot, a grin slipping across his face. “You have a nice smile,” Peter mumbled softly, the muscle in his forearm twitching with every click from one picture to the next. He got to the end of the roll before daring to turn his head.

“I think you’re just a good photographer,” Tony retorted, a chuckle rushing from his chest. They were close enough that Peter could feel his arm lift and clench with the sound. It made him stiffen, his skin breaking out into prickly gooseflesh. If he didn’t move, maybe he wouldn’t have to lose the rise and fall of Tony’s rhythmic breathing against him.

“Must be both then.” Peter shifted, his brain all of the sudden realizing that he was missing key pieces of the show in favor of flirting with the very attractive and incredibly distracting male dancer. “Come find me after the show – I’ll show you some from the week.” He gave Tony an encouraging smile, then turned back to look out through the curtain.

Peter heard him laugh again then the softest “okay” before the closeness of his presence could no longer be felt. Forcing himself to not turn and look, Peter did his best to pay attention to the rest of the first act – his racing mind all of the sudden not completely dedicated to the art before him on the stage.

As usual, the second act went a lot faster than the first – there was a bit more action and the dancing was not as convoluted with plot. From this perspective, Peter could see a lot more of the sideline action and felt glad he decided to trust his gut and move around a little more. When Tony stepped onto the stage, Peter gripped his camera harder – his eyes peeled for the smallest of details.

The cheeky bastard managed to look his way a couple of times throughout his solo, Peter more than certain that he got some snaps where Tony was staring directly down the pipe of the lens. It took more focus than ever for Peter to actually finish without dropping the camera and watching the ending number – since it was the last one, they changed it up and gave more solo time to each of the leads; then finished with a long bow with a few teary words from NYCB’s director. While she spoke, Peter got his equipment together and disappeared to start downloading some of the shots.

A little while later, Peter was pulled from the culling process by a tap on his shoulder – he squinted behind his glasses to make sure he was at a stopping point and turned, his fingers pulling the frames from his face when he noticed it was Tony.

“Don’t take those off on my account,” Tony said with a smirk, his hair freshly wet and brushed back from his face – the natural look of his skin even better than the brightness the spotlight and well-placed makeup gave him. His lips settled into a light smile and he leaned against the table Peter found to spread out on. He must’ve been nose deep in his work for longer than he thought.

“I just need them for the light,” Peter mumbled, jamming them into the pocket of his shirt. Glancing down, he shifted the computer so Tony could see. “Your tarantella was great tonight.”

Tony leaned in a little to look at the picture more closely, the move bringing the sharpness of his cologne into Peter’s space. As if he was trying to measure his own arms on the screen, Tony reached out to trace the line of his hand down to the middle of his chest. “You said you danced, right? You can tell – the fact that you framed up that specific move says a lot. That’s so crisp, Pete,” Tony admitted, the man pulling back, his hands shoving the long sleeves that were trying to settle on his wrists up his lean forearms.

Taken aback, Peter adjusted himself in his chair. It’d been a long time since he talked to anyone about that part of his journey through dance. Sometimes May would look at him wistfully and relive some of the memories with him, but even that made his heart ache. Licking his bottom lip, Peter nodded his head. “I did about ten years at Romanoff’s, she got me started with the photography thing after my injury.”

They locked eyes for a second, Tony’s eyebrows up, almost completely buried in the hair that was now creeping down, trying to cover his forehead. “Natasha Romanoff? She’s still on 5th, then?”

Grinning, Peter nodded again. “5th and then a newer studio on 64th. She’s flourishing,” Peter said, his hands coming up to make air quotes with his fingers. “Do you know her?”

“She was a couple years ahead of me at Juilliard. I didn’t get into the dancing world until a little later in life, so we were the same age, despite not being the same year. We partnered for pas de deux once,” Tony remarked, his eyes glowing with the memory. “You must’ve been good.”

Peter put his hand on the touch pad of his computer and went about saving the photo on the screen to distract himself – his heart started to beat a little harder at the thought of how much talented he cultivated in his youth. “I wasn’t terrible. I did not treat my body very well, however – back gave out before I could really see how good I could have been.” Clenching his lips shut, Peter wondered where all the words came from – he hadn’t been this chatty… ever.

Tony crossed his arms and leaned more heavily against the table, his forearms now on display, the lines of muscles firm and wrapped in tanned skin, the veins there pulsing from the work the man did that night. “Ah – that’s the worst. I’ve been fighting off a bum toe for a couple of years – the pointe gets harder and harder as the time goes by,” Tony muttered wistfully, his foot shifting subconsciously. “How long have you been taking photos?”

Without much thought, Peter started the process of packing his computer and hard drive into their cases, his eyes never leaving Tony. “About 7 years now. I went to TISCH for a 5-year program and have been working for Juilliard and NYCB ever since.” Finally done with the menial tasks that kept him preoccupied, Peter stood up. “What about you? You here to stay or just doing a stint with the company this season?”

Despite not saying anything, Tony followed Peter when he started walking – the natural way they just sort of accommodated each other weird for having only met once before. Tony waited until they were in the foyer of the Lincoln Center before speaking again. “I’m here to stay. NYCB gave me a company spot and choreographer position. After being on the road so much the past couple of years, coming home felt right.”

Though they were right by the door, neither man made any move to go exit through any of them, the two men obviously more than willing to mill around and talk. Peter pulled his camera case close to him, the metal of it cool against the thin material of his khaki pants.

“There’s something about the city, right?” Peter asked, his head turning to look at the still busy street right outside the door. “I’ve been here my whole life.”

Smiling wide, Tony nodded – the gesture answer enough. Peter watched him shift and smile a little bigger. “Any chance you’re free for headshot type stuff? I could use an update.”

The question caught him off guard for a second, his hopes of maybe getting to know the guy slowly starting to become more of a reality as the moments passed. That thrust him into gear – Peter fumbled into his pocket and scrolled through a couple of his photo files before he found his infographic.

“Everyone is on break for the holidays, so I’ve got lots of time. Turn your AirDrop on, I’ll share my info with you,” Peter replied without hesitation, his cheeks warm from the events of the night and the distracting way Tony was making him feel. “The Juilliard studio has great lighting.”

After grabbing his info, Tony reached across the space between them and gripped his shoulder, the touch firm and friendly. “I’ll get ahold of you. Thanks for making me look good.” Throwing him a final smile, Tony hitched his bag up his shoulder and walked quickly out the door and into the cold December night.

----

A couple of days passed before Peter heard from Tony – they decided on a time and agreed to meet at the Juilliard studio that Friday. For 4 days, Peter immersed himself in the editing process to make the time go a little faster. It didn’t, but that was always how it worked when he was looking forward to something.

In his need to fill up all the spaces of time, Peter did a bit of online shopping and ordered a couple of different backgrounds to play around with. When the day came, Peter used his key to head in a little early – his lighting set up would take a while to get put together and if his hands were busy, he didn’t have any time to fret about the nerves coursing through him or the hopes he hadn’t been able to put to bed since meeting Tony. Getting ahead of himself seemed like a recipe for failure – but he wasn’t one to not step out on the limb just because of a little fear.

Two solid hours of preparation went by much faster than he figured it would – Tony walked in through the door while he was still fiddling with the long backdrop, the sturdiness of it important if Tony was going to jump and move on and around it. He didn’t notice until he looked up to see how straight it was and caught Tony’s reflection in the mirror behind him.

“Hey, Tony,” Peter started, his face breaking out into a familiar smile. “I’m just about ready. I got the door to the bathroom unlocked, so you’re free to change as much as you’d like.” He tugged at the backdrop one more time before finally feeling satisfied – he knew what he was doing, the nerves needed to go the hell away.

Tony looked at him for a moment, his whiskey-brown eyes roving over his face without any shame. It felt good – being looked at like that. Whatever it meant; Peter wasn’t going to be mad about the attractive man in front of him not being able to tear his eyes away. The only thing that ever made his heart race like it was in that moment was dance – that had to mean something.

“I’m ready to go. I just need to put my bag down and change into my flats,” Tony finally said, his eyebrows quirking as a soft grin lifted his cheeks.

“You should probably stretch, too,” Peter remarked offhandedly, his eyes returning Tony’s stare, inch of skin by lovely inch. He was happy to see that there were a couple different cuts of shirt in his hand – they’d have a lot to work with. With that in mind, Peter went about making sure his camera was connected to his computer while Tony got ready.

As expected, once they got started, things went seamlessly. Tony was used to be instructed and took Peter’s suggestions in stride. They did a bunch of different poses in each outfit, Peter making sure that Tony switched to pointe at least once during the process. By the end, Peter was laughing at the faces Tony made at him when he switched positions.

Almost satisfied, Peter put the camera down and stepped onto the backdrop. He swung his arms from side to side to get his blood flowing, then swopped up into a one footed stance without much trouble (the twinge would come later.) “I want you to leap and land like this – I’d demonstrate, but this is as far as that goes,” Peter joked, his body saturated with endorphins from the rush doing any sort of movement with his body always brought.

Tony didn’t move to get in position, so Peter straightened up and started to think about how else he could describe it. A hand on his arm stopped him, Tony’s fingers squeezing lightly. “You still have such good technique,” Tony mumbled, his hand moving to pull at Peter’s until he was a little further onto the backdrop. “No turns, right?”

Nodding, Peter relaxed his body and let himself be led into a resting position, Tony’s hands now on his hips. “Let’s see how well you remember your backwards steps,” Tony whispered, his lips just a few inches away from Peter’s ear. His fingers tapped on the right side of Peter’s hip and they were off in that direction – his arms widening when they got to the edge of the pass.

It felt weird for a second, being in the hold position; but he quickly got over it, the relief of any stress on him quickly taken by Tony’s hands and their tight grasp on his hips, Peter’s feet barely touching the ground. They went through a couple of moves before Peter was stopping their movement with a subtle touch to Tony’s hand.

“That’s enough for me.” Peter was grateful for the brief experience and threw an even more sincere look over his shoulder at Tony. “Thank you, though – I haven’t moved like that in years.” He lifted his hands over his head and stretched himself as long as he could go before walking back over to his camera set up, his fingers wrapping around the base with ease.

When they were all done and Tony was walking out of the bathroom in street clothes, Peter looked up and motioned to him. He let his eyes linger on the way Tony’s jeans sat on his hip, the cut of his shirt enhancing the slimness there. Tony moved with ease, the man more than familiar with his body and the things he could do with it. Shaking his head, Peter moved away from that thought – it could very easily get him in trouble.

With Tony by his side, Peter smiled at him, then started to go through the frames he took throughout the two hours they’d been working. Tony spent a lot of time critiquing himself and grinned when Peter went out of his way to say the exact opposite of whatever came out of his mouth. The stills were beautiful and after a little work, would be more than enough to circulate around in resumes and show leaflets.

“Those are great, Pete – I like how well you capture the action; I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it,” Tony commented, his eyes still wide from the cruise through the photo gallery. At some point, he let his hand drift to Peter’s shoulder and kept it there, his fingers now gripping on and off. “I’d love to see more – want to grab a coffee, or something?”

As it happened, coffee ended up being a quick walk to Peter’s apartment where he got as far as pulling his computer out before Tony was flung across his hips, muscular thighs clenching with every move he made. Peter was surprised for about two seconds before he grabbed a handful of Tony’s ass, and dragged him closer, their mouths meeting in a heated kiss without either of them hesitating.

Peter didn’t usually do stuff like this – kiss people he didn’t know much about, but at the same time, he didn’t like to miss out on good things, either. He watched Tony reached down and take his own shirt off, the muscles of his stomach and arms rippling as the cells fired and clenched. When he relaxed, Peter was pleased to see that Tony was very cut up and would ripple gloriously as he thrust into him in the near future.

The fact that Tony managed to get his shirt off of him and the button of his pants undone without him noticing blew Peter’s mind, the man had a way with his mouth and let his tongue do terribly dirty things. In 25 years, Peter had never been kissed like that before – Tony’s carnality was exactly like his dancing, thorough and highly skilled.

It seemed like Tony came prepared because Peter was suddenly naked and on his back with Tony between his thighs, a packet of lube and a condom dangling from his fingers. They made eye contact for a moment, the desire in Tony softening as an affectionate look rolled over his face. “This okay? You’ll tell me if you’re not comfortable?” Tony’s questions rolled off his tongue without him stopping the scandalous press of his hips.

“It’s a lot more than okay. As long as you don’t roll me up into too much of a ball, I’ll be just fine. Just don’t stop whatever it is you’re going to do,” Peter babbled, his lips totally loose now that most of his thoughts were clouded with lust and completely focused on the delicious press and pull of Tony’s fingers on his skin and cock against his own.

He was pleasantly surprised when Tony shifted and pushed at his hip until Peter took the hint and rolled over. Leaning on his forearms, Peter spread his legs as much as he could on the couch and thrust back a little, his ass entirely on display. Groaning when Tony used his hands to spread his cheeks, Peter looked over his shoulder to see dark eyes staring at him longingly.

Tony emptied the packet of lube on the flat of Peter’s back and swiped his fingers through it. His free hand ran along Peter’s flank and lulled him into a sense of comfort – the breach of Tony’s fingers around and then against his rim secondary to the sensation of first a knuckle and then an entire finger slipping into him. While he moved his hand, Tony peppered all the skin he could reach with kisses and licks – he was obviously in the business of taking Peter apart one piece at a time.

Progressively, Peter got lost in the rush of his lust for Tony and the scorching touch that made his skin prickle and the well of heat in his stomach start to trickle over the edge. Tony’s weight held his hips down just enough that with every thrust back against talented fingers that were now aggressively stretching him open, Peter got the slightest amount of friction against his cock. It was both too much and not enough in one agonizingly delicious movement.

Draped completely over him, Tony pressed his lips to Peter’s ear when he pushed in. The stroke to slide inside was firm and didn’t stop until Tony’s hips were pressed against the muscle of his round ass cheeks. Peter shifted until he could accommodate his weight on one hand – he reached back and gripped Tony’s hair hard with the other, the moan slipping from his lips forcing a flush down the length of his chest. “Oh, Tony – “

From that point on, Peter lost track of time and space – he was so completely wrapped up in the tactile sensations and the sensitivity of nerve fibers that were constantly being stroked and prodded. With Tony’s arm wrapped around his middle, Peter gave himself over to the sensations, the long, slow glide of a firm cock in and out of him driving him absolutely mad. Little by little, he melted into the rhythmic bump of Tony’s cock against that spot deep inside of him and got closer to a finish that felt like a long time coming.

A shout left his hips when Tony used the grip around his chest to pull him up until his back was firmly pressed against the skin of well-muscled pecs and abs that were clenching with every thrust Tony delivered. Peter felt him slow down and move the grip of his hand from his chest to his hips, long fingers digging in. “The way you move against me, Pete – it’s driving me insane. It’s like you know me. Like you’ve studied my body and know exactly what it needs.”

His cock throbbed at the trueness of Tony’s words. Though he didn’t have a chance to physically explore it, Peter knew a lot about the way Tony moved from the images he’d been editing non-stop – it seemed like he learned a lot more about Tony than he originally imagined. Bringing his hands until they were resting over Tony’s on his hips, Peter laced their fingers together and let out a long moan; the carnal noises the only thing he could conjure up in that moment.

Another few thrusts of Tony’s cock dead against Peter’s prostate had him coming without a single touch to his throbbing erection. It was a novel thing for him, so he watched with wide eyes as he shivered and clenched and finished with the most release he’d ever seen come out of himself hitting the bedspread underneath him. Tony rolled his hips and thrusted through it until he was moaning against Peter’s neck and collapsing them both on the bed – the man courteous enough to turn them on their sides and away from his own puddle of cum.

Peter couldn’t stop the helpless moan that slipped from his mouth when Tony pulled out and rolled away to get rid of the condom. He turned and watched him move around until Tony finally joined him on the bed again. It shouldn’t have surprised him, the fact that Tony wrapped a hand around his arm and pull him back until they were resting as close together as possible. A nose ran through the sweaty hair at the back of Peter’s head – Tony pulling in a long breath before settling in.

“You can still dance. That was the most flawless piece I’ve ever been a part of,” Tony said softly, his hand flattening against Peter’s stomach to pull him even further back, despite the fact that there wasn’t any space left between them. “Rest up for a bit – I’ll take you out for another spin in a little while.”

Laughing, Peter let his hand rest against Tony’s, their fingers lacing with ease. He snuggled in, Tony’s warmth lulling him into a sleep haze.

----

The fact that Tony didn’t leave the next morning spoke volumes – Peter didn’t do a lot of dating, but he understood wanting to spend time with someone. They made pancakes that were barely edible and talked about Tony’s travels through Paris the previous two years. He’d been traveling with an international company that did a long stint in France. When it came time for Tony to leave and get some practice in for the day, Peter went with him.

It took on a different sort of intimacy, shooting Tony after that. Because he knew so much about the freckles on Tony’s skin and the way the dancer moved in the throes of passion, Peter could appreciate the thrust of his hips and the powerful strides for a completely different reason. It brought a whole new meaning to a long, slow seduction. They didn’t make it out of the locker room before Peter was on his knees, worshipping the cock and hips attached that moved with such poise and grace.

Spending the rest of the day together felt like the right thing to do after that – Tony came down his throat and watched with wide eyes as Peter stayed on his knees and stroked himself with a tight fist in long, quick strokes. The soft pet of his hair lulled him into a daze for a while, his cheek laying against the bottom of Tony’s stomach until he felt the tingle leave his toes and lower limbs.

Tony pulled him into a deep kiss when he stood up, strong arms wrapped around him and his swift tongue chased the taste of his own spend in Peter’s mouth. Peter didn’t know who was moaning but it was almost enough to bring him back to full hardness, though, he knew he couldn’t handle any more time on the hard floor or any of the surfaces available to them there. Suggesting a late lunch made Tony smile and when he grabbed Peter’s hand on the way out of the building, Peter let the hope of things actually going somewhere wash over him.

So, maybe Peter couldn’t dance on his own 2 feet anymore – with Tony by his side, he quickly learned that dancing was just as much a feeling as it was a collection of movements and lifts. Lying in bed with Tony between his legs later that night, Peter figured out that the roll of his hips and the caress of his hands felt just as good as the carefully crafted choreography that he’d be so accustomed to. The same way his body used to take the crowd apart, Peter slowly tugged at Tony’s seams until the dancer was thrusting into him with abandon. His name on Tony’s lips at the end of their coupling the ultimate standing ovation.

And as the days past and Peter got to spend more time not only wrapped up in the fun of watching someone else succeed, but also in the beauty and grace that was Tony Stark. The spring brought Bourne’s version of Swan Lake, which consisted of an all-male cast. Peter, having decided that NYCB was where the most opportunities were available, applied and got the job as the full-time photographer. Which meant he got to spend all of his day shooting ballet and only ballet. An absolute dream come true.

Watching Tony dance the part of the prince was absolutely magical – between trying to catch all of the best shots and catching every single one of his pristine moves, Peter spent all 7 days of multiple shows trying to capture him in the best possible way. They hadn’t been dating all that long, but Peter was moved to make sure Tony understood how he truly saw him.

It took a few weeks to find the perfect picture and get it blown up and printed to perfection. After getting it in the mail, Peter measured and built a custom frame for the photo – the dark brown wood a beautiful contrast to the white costume Tony was wearing in the print. Finally finishing it a couple of weeks into May, Peter stepped back and looked at the physical manifestation of his heart with a critical eye. It was Tony – Peter had a hard time finding any sort of flaw.

His ears prickled when he heard Tony putting his key in the lock – a couple of months prior, Peter pulled out one of his old TISCH key chains and made a copy of his apartment key. He left it in Tony’s pointe shoes and got a screaming call when he didn’t notice – the tip of the key stabbed him; but, the sincerity of the gesture made the large cut he had to nurse for a couple of weeks totally worth it.

He waited until he heard the keys clatter against the bowl that Peter kept right by the door to pick up the frame and carry it out into the living room where Tony was standing, his feet and arms bare, his dance tights still framing his legs in the sinful way they always did. Peter stopped dead in his tracks when Tony noticed him, the man’s dark brown eyes caught between looking at Peter’s face and the big frame he had in his hands.

“What’s that?” Tony asked, his cheeks coloring at the bluntness of the question. The man might’ve been a few years older than Peter, but he never failed to project youth and reckless wonder. The words made Peter laugh, his face spreading wide with the smile overtaking him. Instead of answering right away, Peter closed the gap and jammed the frame into Tony’s arms.

Peter gave him a few minutes to get his bearings and process what was in front of him. In the many days’ worth of searching, Peter finally decided on a picture of Tony in the middle of a leap. His eyes and chin were up, his hips completely square – but the thing that really caught Peter’s eye was the look of pure happiness of Tony’s face. There were many dancers that could get their legs completely straight through a leaping straddle, but there weren’t many that looked to be in absolute rapture when they did it. Every time he passed by it, the look made his heart pound, so he figured that was sign enough.

Tony looked up at him, his eyes wide. “This is what I look like, huh?” Tony asked, his fingers doing the customary reaching out to touch thing they always did. Peter watched him trace the length of his body across the glass – the idea of fingerprints not even registering. The appreciation of his work never meant so much.

“Beautiful, right? I thought, for a really long time, that I’d never really have the same connection with dance that I did when I actually got to do it myself. Then, I met you and got to see talent and passion in a totally different light. I don’t need to be moving to feel what it’s like to be on the stage when I watch you. Maybe it’s because I love you so much and I’m biased, but I’m a fan – your biggest one, probably.” Peter let all of the words flow from him before stopping for a breath. He felt his lips slip into a beaming smile – it felt so damn good to let that off his chest.

Even the very first ‘I love you’ between them felt good coming from him – he didn’t need Tony to say it out loud to know that he loved him. It was apparent in the way he touched, his fingers were constantly seeking – whether it was knowledge or pleasure, Tony was always interested in finding out. It was glaringly obvious in the way bourbon hued eyes followed him around the room when they weren’t standing together and looked so deeply within his own when they were. His gentle words and the innate ability to know just what Peter needed said things that a singular phrase never could.

Yet, when it came from Tony’s lips, Peter couldn’t have imagined a better moment. “You’re a big softy, Petey,” Tony mumbled, his lips pressing together for a second before continuing. “I love you, too. By the way. I know you know, but I also know how good the words sound. I love you. I’ll say it however many times you want to hear it.” As elegant as always, Tony moved to lean the frame against the edge of the couch to free his hands up, then tugged Peter into them, their lips finding each other in a soft kiss.

“I don’t think there’s a limit, Tony,” Peter muttered, his voice scratchy from the rush of arousal and happiness and a billion other things.

Tony gripped his cheeks and pulled him in for another kiss, his next words said against his lips like a prayer – “sounds okay to me.”

----

Later that year, Peter and Tony stumbled through their apartment after opening night of The Nutcracker. As a veteran this year, Tony wowed the audience in a way that only someone seasoned and comfortable could. The performance was flawless, Peter a little disappointed that he couldn’t show his enjoyment as much as he would have wanted to. The second they got behind the door of his car, however, his hands were all over Tony. They almost didn’t make it into the house before Peter was straddling him and really letting his appreciation show.

They fumbled through the door and passed through the living room that was littered in Peter’s work – when they first hung the few framed photos of Tony, he complained about it being a little weird. Yet, the more Peter added to it, the more Tony seemed to be behind the idea. It just took a little prodding for him to play into the narcissism that all dancers were inherently in possession of. He really started to relax when Peter added a few of the two of them, the idea of looking up to see physical representation of their connection a nice one, one that they both wanted to get behind.

Peter let his eyes glance over them briefly before crowding against Tony’s back and herding him towards the bedroom. All of the walls on the walk there were covered in Peter’s work – his own narcissism showing in the diligent way he went about making sure all of the frames throughout the house matched and looked absolutely perfect.

When they moved in together, Tony wanted to go all in, so they got all new stuff and created something that was joint and completely Tony Stark and Peter Parker mixing all the aspects of their lives. From the bedding to the bowls they ate out of, everything was picked out together.

When he was finally able to settle between Tony’s legs with just his boxer briefs on, Peter sucked in a deep breath and gave himself a second to enjoy the man stretched out beneath him. The strain from the night’s performance had Tony’s muscles taut and his veins bulging from lack of water and electrolytes – he’d be ravenous for the next few days.

His eyes were wide and completely glazed over, the pupils taking over the bourbon Peter so eagerly drank in every time he looked in Tony’s eyes. The hands that were normally so sure of themselves were reaching to touch Peter searchingly, their next step still undetermined.

Allowing himself to share a heated look with Tony, Peter shook his head and forced himself to focus – there was plenty of time to get distracted in the beautiful view of his boyfriend later. He sat up a little and reached into his bedside table, the lube and condom hitting the comforter below them, the movement enough of a decoy for Peter to get the square box he’d been hiding there open and on the muscled expanse of Tony’s chest.

They weren’t traditional, so he bypassed the one knee thing – instead, he pressed his body weight into Tony, one of his hands holding the box so he could see it while the other ran through shower wet brown hair. It wasn’t the most romantic thing, but it felt right. Everything about Tony felt right. A forever of that was the only thing he’d ever want.

“If you’ll have me, I’d like to be your number one fan forever. Please, marry me,” Peter whispered, his nose caressing Tony’s as his lips pressed the words into any piece of stubbly skin he could reach. “Please,” he prompted again, the plea unneeded, but falling from his lips, anyway.

“How could I possibly say no to that?” Tony asked, his response coming with a quick lift of his head and warm lips pressed against Peter’s. His hands moved into the long hair at the base of Peter’s neck, fingers tugging lightly.

“Put that ring on me so I can find out how it looks against your skin while I’m holding you down.” Shooting him a wink, Tony dragged him in for a deep kiss, the box on his chest momentarily forgotten.

[just0nemorepage]

The Lines We Cross || Randa Abdel-Fattah || 400 pages ------------------------------------------------------------ Top 3 Genres: Young Adult / Contemporary / Realistic Fiction

Synopsis: Michael likes to hang out with his friends and play with the latest graphic design software. His parents drag him to rallies held by their anti-immigrant group, which rails against the tide of refugees flooding the country. And it all makes sense to Michael.

Until Mina, a beautiful girl from the other side of the protest lines, shows up at his school, and turns out to be funny, smart—and a Muslim refugee from Afghanistan. Suddenly, his parents’ politics seem much more complicated.

Mina has had a long and dangerous journey fleeing her besieged home in Afghanistan, and now faces a frigid reception at her new prep school, where she is on scholarship. As tensions rise, lines are drawn. Michael has to decide where he stands. Mina has to protect herself and her family. Both have to choose what they want their world to look like.

Finished: February 28th, 2021.

Progress: 1 / 10. 10% complete.

My Rating: ★★★★★. [5/5]

My Review: [Under the read more - NOT SPOILER FREE]

Ugh, I’ve been putting off writing a review for this for well over a day, cause I am just the worst at articulating my thoughts for this sort of thing. And also, it doesn’t help that it took me two months to finish the book.

So I guess I’ll just word vomit and hope for the best lol.

The first two thirds of the book were HARD to get through – Michael’s chapters felt like reading about a Trump supporter, and that is like an instinctual vomit reaction at this point. Honestly, there were only a few acceptable ways this entire book could go, without me abandoning it or giving it a shitty rating. And luckily, I’d say by the time I reached the end, it mostly managed to land on the acceptable path – Michael is the only one who really changed at all. And, Mina only started to forgive him after he became actively and vocally anti-racist – and not just wishy washy or "both sides" about it.

Shit though, the beginning was hard to get through. I had to put the book down every Michael chapter just to de-rage myself.

Honestly, I’m kind of mad I had to do that. I deescalated myself and felt more neutral each time I picked the book up again, and forgot the specifics of what I was mad or annoyed about. I wish I remembered it all clearly – I feel like it’d impact my final star rating if I did.

There are two things I know I didn’t like about the ending. Firstly – Michael didn’t sever himself completely from his family. But, I know that kind of thing is very complicated and individualized, especially when you’re 16. And, my own boyfriend isn’t severing himself from his own shitty family, so I also get it. I’m unhappy about it, but I get it. And secondly – Mina’s final line in the book was about how "Michael thinks he learned from her – but he’s wrong. She learned the most from him – how to never give up on anyone." And may I just say, fuck that. Giving up on and severing shitty people is foundational to healthy boundaries and enforcing consequences, and who you choose to not give up on is extremely situational and in NO WAY should be generalized advice. It felt like serious lib shit and it kind of soured my taste of how well the rest of the latter part of the book had been going.

So much went right, though. The fact that Michael went from mindless "Trump supporter" anti-immigrant logic to actively anti-racist was astounding, and so was the fact that he actively decided to not be silent about it and speak up, even if it meant permanently and publicly losing a friend, and even when it made his home life very difficult. Mina never crossed her own boundaries once – she stood firm and never gave in on anything. And – Nathan was autistic! Michael’s little brother! They never used the actual word (which was disappointing), but if you’re familiar with what it looks like at all, it’s super obvious.

I wish more had been done about the class difference between Mina and Paula, though, and not just more or less brushed under the rug like it was. And, I wish Jane could have worked up the courage to really tell Terrance off and apologize to her friends for acting like such a shit, but where the story ended seemed too soon in her attempt to move on for her to manage it I suppose. How she could fall for him in the first place really makes me dislike her character, but I can at least appreciate the active female camaraderie Mina extended to her at the end in an attempt to bring her back from the Terrance ledge.

Honestly though so much more than what I said was done well. I am the WORST at articulating any of it, but I felt it really did an excellent job of capturing life as a Muslim asylum seeker, and the truth behind it – and the lies the racists opposing them will spin.

Mostly, though, when I started the book, I was super worried that "the lines we cross" would indicate "meeting in the middle" or some sort of unity bullshit. But – none of that happened, really. The only one who crossed any lines was Michael. He’s the only one who really had any changing to do in the first place – and boy, he did it all correctly. (I’m kind of sour that it took meeting a pretty Muslim girl for him to get his head out of his own asscrack in the first place, but hey.)

Some of this book did come across as pretty libby. But, for the most part, most of it was true leftist energy, and is very powerfully done and well articulated. Even though it takes place in Australia, it does a very good job capturing the generic subject of refugees and immigration, and teaching exactly what stance anyone trying to be actively anti-racist should take.

[et-lesailes]

missing linc // chapter eight

series masterlist

pairing: ceo!dad!steve x reader

word count: 2620

chapter summary: a little backstory on tiana’s relationship with steve, and stella’s. 

WARNINGS: implications of rape and violence, please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable.

taglist:  @viarogers , @evanstush , @chibi-crazy , @cevanswh0re , @songforhema, @sebabestianstan101 ,  @bval-1, @wonderwinchester, @poerebel , @gogomez-509 , @patzammit, @a-distantdreamer, @jbug491writinghelp, @broklynbby, @lille-kattunge,  @rohaintahquil, @deidrashouseofpain, @firstangeldragonranch, @peach-acid, @allsortsofinterests, @xoxabs88xox, @honeyloverogers, @capsiclesdoll, @mcueveryday,  @bangtan-serendipity, @heyyouwiththeassbutt, @cptn-sgrogers, @heyiamthatbitch, @captainscanadian, @kaithezaftig, @morganhoran1671, @booktease21, @hista-girl, @steeeeverogers, @okilover02,  @sadella-adams, @rumoured-whispers​, @aletteredaffair​, @shannon124, @isawritesstories, @knuffeltuff, @wxntersoldiers, @kelbabyblue​, @macgruberrr​, @troublermalik​,  @societalfailure​, @brastrangled​, @hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall​, @anxiousstark​, @captainsbxbygirl​, @barbar126​, @cevanswhores​, @whimsicalatbest​, @amazonian-strap-queen​, @bookish-shristi​, @hannie-stark​, @beardburnsupersoldiers​, @babyhua​, @kind-sober-fullydressed​, @whores4thor​, @gingerninjaprincess16​, @straightforwardly​, @danathewitchywoman​, @rosee-sensuelle​, @angelicdisgrace​, @thoughtfulcollectormaker, @sammyslonglostshoe, @mizariomi, @jadedhillon, @bohemian-barbie, @marvelouspottering, @denisemarieangelina, @mango--mango, @frencchfries, @xlanawriter, @littlemoistcarrot, @pottxrwolff, @arianatheangelworld, @ifuseekamyevans, @lovehatekickscream, @southerngracela, @nsfwsebbie

notes: okay FINALLY back home from traveling and FINALLY updating. i know you guys miss steve/reader interactions, but seeing this is more of an actual story with several relations involved, there’s a lot to unpack here so i apologize. maybe i’ll make it up to ya in the next chapter ;) as usual please give me feedback, i’m interested to see how you feel about all the characters after this! this is also a taglist check-- if you are on this taglist and do not at LEAST give this post a like within the week, i will be removing you!

TIANA

They met in graduate school. Both in their early twenties, figuring out life, trying to balance the demanding expectations of their classes and the fun times with their friends. 

They had been in the “honeymoon phase” since before they even started dating. Tiana remembered every single detail about the night they first met. A mutual friend’s party, she was wearing a brand new top she had just bought that day itself on a spontaneous shopping trip with her best friends paired with jeans that made her legs look amazing, as Steve would tell her later that night. It was practically a cliche movie moment; they locked eyes across the room and couldn’t stop staring. Steve approached her, his blue eyes bright, blond hair neatly trimmed, jawline chiseled, the sleeves of his nice shirt hugging his built biceps. If she wasn’t in love already, their conversation was even more appealing. They found a corner to themselves and talked about everything under the sun. The little things, such as the weird insect Steve found under a rock while he was camping when he was six and the best piece of pizza Tiana had ever eaten in her life in New York City just last week. The big things, too. Steve reflecting on his mother’s death when he was young, and Tiana discussing her experiences with bulimia when she was a mere middle schooler. 

She had never felt so comfortable with someone in her life. It didn’t take long for them to start dating. They had received plenty of criticism from all their friend groups. “You’re jumping into this too fast.” “It won’t last if you rush things.” “Don’t you want to get to know each other better first before putting a label on this?”

She knew every part of him. And he, her. He was truly her other half. And she, his.

He was a big romantic. On her twenty-fifth birthday, he surprised her by using money he had saved up to rent out the small diner her parents would take her and her sister out to dinner every Sunday night-- for a small and intimate party for her and their friends. One particular Christmas when she expressed being a little sad they did not yet have a proper home to decorate in pretty lights, he strung up lights around the inside of the entire apartment while she was at work, even putting up an inflatable snowman in their bedroom. She could still remember coming home that day, tired and weary, only to be met with absolute joy and brightness. The snowman looked so adorably ridiculous inside their tiny bedroom, she had burst out laughing and couldn’t stop for the next five minutes.

She could remember all of this vividly. It was when things all went wrong that it was a bit of a blur.

Steve studied hard. He worked hard. He found the time for her, it was never time management that had been a problem. He worked his way up in his company until he decided he wanted to start his own. It was a huge investment, but he had been saving. He refused to accept financial help from her-- not that she was in any better position. She had a great job as a data security analyst, but she was nowhere near as senior as Steve already was. She was getting there, but he was older, and he had put in more time to his business degree and certifications. This was something he had wanted since he was young.

And so he followed his dreams. He started a company, and it was incredibly small at first. Still, she was proud of him. More proud than she had ever been of anyone in her life. Watching him have so much ambition and drive only motivated her to do better. And so she did; she worked hard, making her way up her own company, doing whatever she could to be a girlfriend Steve could continue being proud of.

Perhaps it was this pressure that made their relationship implode.

He had never given this pressure to her. She could acknowledge this. He never acted in a way that made her feel inferior, in a way where he thought he was better for being a big CEO. She supposed she was the one who put the pressure on herself, who continued to feel more and more insecure as she watched her boyfriend, eventually fiance, eventually husband’s company grow and grow, his responsibilities becoming bigger and bigger. They had less time together, but when they did have time, he made up for it. He was always good about that. He always made it a point to communicate with her, to tell her in advance when he was busy, and to always ask and be genuinely curious about her day and how she was doing. 

He was the perfect partner. And she felt like she was not.

She started to lash out more. Perhaps subconsciously pushing him away so that she did not have to face her insecurities so directly while standing next to him. She became more irritable, she spent more time with her own friends and prioritized them over him. He was confused, sad, upset-- it was all an ugly, convoluted mess. She hated herself more and more each time she broke his heart, but she continued to do it. His sadness began to turn into anger. “What did I do to you, Tiana? What did I do that was so wrong?” he would yell, his eyes even wet with tears from his frustration. “Why are you acting like this?” She didn’t know why she couldn’t tell him. She used to be able to tell him anything, and now she felt so small and insignificant next to him. She felt like she wasn’t doing enough. The more oblivious he was to this matter, the less he could help her or reassure her that this was not the case. It was not his fault. It was hers.

She knew that.

They decided to spend some time apart. Not an official break up, but a break, as much as she hated that term. They needed it. She needed to be alone, to work through her insecurities and crippling low self-esteem. He simply needed to be away from the confusing trainwreck that she was. They did not completely cut off communication; they checked in with each other at least once or twice a week, and that eventually turned into occasionally grabbing coffee or lunch together. It was like the process of dating all over again, and it was actually refreshing. She did not feel the pressure that came with living in the same home with him, watching all of his work endeavors and feeling shitty with her own. They could take it nice and slow, and she was enjoying it. 

She thought he was, too.

Four months into their odd, friendship-slash-dating relationship, Steve called her one night, close to midnight. He sounded somber. Tired. Guilty. Ashamed. Scared, even. “We need to talk. In person. Can I come over?” She remembered her heart racing fast. The worst scenarios popped into her mind, one-by-one. Had he decided he no longer wanted anything to do with her? Had she messed up somehow, and didn’t even know it? Was he okay-- had he been diagnosed with some type of life-threatening disease, had he been in an accident? Was his family okay-- was there a death, did he need to travel home? Every single possible situation played out in her mind, anxiety racking her brain.

Never had she imagined that Steve would come to her home to tell her that he had gotten another woman pregnant.

Never had she imagined that this woman was her own, twenty-two-year-old sister.

STELLA

Stella had always felt like the black sheep of the family.

She was the late addition suffering from the terrible cliche of having a perfect, older sister while she herself was the mischievous troublemaker, always up to no good. There was a thirteen year age difference between herself and Tiana, and because of this, it was difficult for the two to ever get close. The more she watched Tiana excel in academics, extracurriculars, and relationships, the less motivated she became. She figured being the less successful sibling without actually trying to do better was easier-- if she did actually try and fail, how would she ever feel any better about herself? 

She barely managed to make it through high school, and the only reason she did was because her parents forced her to. She certainly was not going to college. She picked up different jobs and eventually moved out of her family’s house, tired of her parents’ lectures and nagging. The shitty little apartment she resided in with two random roommates in the most dangerous part of the city felt far more like home than her birth home ever did. 

She had her looks going for her. She was the complete opposite of her sister, who while also pretty, took more after their father. Stella was her mother’s daughter; the classic supermodel body, blonde locks with natural waves, amber eyes, heart shaped face. She used this to her advantage. Her income consisted not only of her job as a bartender, but of being a sugar baby to random older men in the city. She refused to have sex with them. They were alright with this. They just wanted her company.

People could get desperate when they were lonely enough. Her string of one-night-stands proved she knew this.

She began modeling for an amateur photographer. Shoots in cute sweaters, leggings, and boots in the New York autumns turned into risque poses in strappy bikinis and high heels in the summer. It wasn’t long before the top came off, soft hands and long fingers shielding her breasts as she looked blankly into the camera.

The photographer wanted her to reveal even more. She declined.

He did not take that so well, despite being her own boyfriend.

She was twenty-two, bruised and black eyed as she stumbled out of his ratty apartment, legs sore and aching with tears running down her cheeks-- only to make her sob even more from the pain that came with the mere action of crying. She had gotten herself into a lot of sticky situations in the concrete jungle, but she was finally starting to feel fear. 

She wasn’t sure why Steve Rogers was the first person who came to mind. Steve, her older sister’s golden boy, whom she had only met a few times at family dinners she actually bothered to show up to only when she needed free food. Perhaps because he was actually nice to her. Sure, maybe he was only being polite because he needed to impress his girlfriend’s parents. But sometimes, it seemed like he actually cared when he asked her how bartending was going and if she was safe and secure staying in the city. He did not seem judgmental in the slightest that she had passed on attending college, despite being a total scholar and businessman himself. He had even told her she was welcome to his and Tiana’s apartment any time, if she ever needed a place to crash; she remembered the dirty look Tiana had given him the second he had made this offer.

When was the last time she had even seen him? It had been a while.

She slowly took out her phone and pulled up his number. She only had it because Tiana had texted her from it one time when her phone was dead, telling her she better be at Thanksgiving dinner in order to not disappoint their grandparents who knew absolutely nothing about her mess of a situation. 

When he told her that he and Tiana were separated, she was shocked. She would have never seen it coming. She remembered the way they’d look at each other, how they’d laugh over the dumbest things, how she had never seen her sister look so happy in the entire time she knew her. 

He still wanted to help her, though. How could he not? She had been a sobbing mess on the phone as she recounted everything she had just gone through, all while wondering why she was suddenly being so trusting with a man she hardly knew. Perhaps because he was the only man in her life that actually seemed dependable.

She arrived to his apartment and he was shocked upon seeing her face. He wanted to call her parents, but she practically screamed at him not to. Begged. She couldn’t handle that, she could barely even handle being so vulnerable with him. He was reluctant but obliged, though insisted she stay with him in case her now ex-boyfriend tried to hunt her down and hurt her even more. She agreed, but was instantly on edge again once he told her he wanted to tell Tiana. “No. No, Steve, please, you can’t. She’ll drag me to my parents’ house, she’ll lecture me, she’s just-- she’s going to be a total bitch. I’ll stay here only for a few days tops then figure something out on my own. Please.”

Again, he reluctantly obliged. 

She did not only stay for a few days. She found herself opening up to him more and more, she actually enjoyed spending time with him.

Strangely enough, she never developed feelings for him, nor he for her. It was a strong friendship, a strong bond, a good connection-- but all purely platonic. Perhaps it was her subconscious, reminding her that this man was involved with her sister. She knew they were still seeing each other from time to time, though it was nothing committal or exclusive. He had explained to her what had gone wrong between them, and she listened. Even offered him advice, based on the limited knowledge she had about her own sister’s personality and interests. 

He kept pleading for her to let him tell Tiana that she was staying there, and she kept begging him not to. He was beginning to feel more guilty. Stella might as well have been living with him at that point.

“I’ll move back to my parents’.” She finally said one day, and he looked at her in surprise. “What? You hated living there. Besides, once you move back they’d never let you leave that place again. Especially if they find out everything that’s happened to you.”

“I’ll figure it out. You shouldn’t have to keep lying to my sister.”

And so it was decided. She would return home the next day, and Steve could live with at least a little less of a guilty conscience. 

Or so they had thought. Their last night together turned from a simple pizza and movie night with beer to going out and hitting the bars, celebrating her last night in the heart of the city before she would have to return to her parents’ home outside of it. After several drinks and a fun night of dancing, the two came back to Steve’s apartment.

The rest was history.

They did not speak to each other even once after that night-- at least, not until the day she found out she was pregnant with Steve Rogers’ child. From there, she, Steve, and Tiana would be tangled up in one messy situation for the next nine months, until she could finally have the little blond, blue-eyed child and be free from her family thanks to Steve’s money supporting her in the city while he and Tiana moved and took the baby with them.

She had never wanted it, anyways. There was no way someone like her could be a mother.

[letterboxd]

The Package.

As the bonkers genre thrill-ride Shadow in the Cloud blasts into the new year, writer and director Roseanne Liang unpacks her love of Terminator 2, watching Chloë Grace Moretz’s face for hours, and the life lesson she learned from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Cheng Pei-Pei.

Roseanne Liang’s TIFF Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud landed with a blast of fresh genre energy on VOD platforms on New Year’s Day. It’s A-class action in a B-grade body, cramming plenty into its taut 83 minutes, including: a top-secret package, a freakish gremlin, a hostile bunch of Air Force dudes, outrageous stunts, dogfights and a fake wartime PSA that feels remarkably real.

Throughout, the camera is focused mostly on one face—Chloë Grace Moretz’s, playing British flight officer Maude Garrett—as she tackles all of the above from a claustrophobic ball turret hanging under a B-17 Flying Fortress, on a classified mission over the Pacific Ocean during World War II.

While the film’s tonal swings are confusing to some, schlock enthusiasts and genre lovers on Letterboxd have embraced the film’s intentionally outlandish sensibility, which “makes excellent use of its genre mash to create an unpredictable, guilty pleasure,” says Mirza. Fajar writes that “it felt like the people involved in this project knew how ridiculous it is and gave a hundred and ten percent to make it work. Someday, it will become a cult classic.” Mawbey agrees: “It really goes off the rails in all the best ways during the final third, and the last couple of shots are just perfect.”

Chloë Grace Moretz and her top-secret package in ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

To most of the world, Liang is a so-called “emerging” director, when in fact, the mother-of-two, born in New Zealand to Chinese parents, has been at this game for the past two decades. She has helmed a documentary and a romantic drama, both based on her own marriage; a 2008 short called Take 3, which preceded Hollywood’s current conversation about representation and harassment; and Do No Harm, the splatter-tastic 2017 short in which her technical chops and fluid feel for action were on full display, and, as recorded in multiple Letterboxd reviews, established her as one to watch.

Do No Harm scored Liang valuable Hollywood representation, whereupon producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones brought Shadow in the Cloud to her, thinking she might connect with the material. “It did connect with me on a level that is very personal,” Liang tells me. “As a woman of color, as a mother who juggles a lot.” She says Kavanaugh-Jones then went through the process of removing original writer Max Landis from the project. “He felt that Max was not a good fit for this project, or for how we like to run things. We like to be respectful and courteous and kind to each other…”

In several interviews, Liang has said she’s comfortable with film lovers choosing not to watch Shadow in the Cloud based on Landis’s early involvement. What she’s not comfortable with is her own contribution—and that of her cast and crew—being erased. While WGA rules have his name attached firmly to the project, the credit belies the reality: his thin script, reportedly stretched out to 70 pages by using a larger-than-usual font, was expanded and deepened by Liang and her collaborators.

Writer-director Roseanne Liang. / Photo by Dean O’Gorman

That team includes editor Tom Eagles, Oscar nominated for Jojo Rabbit, actor Nick Robinson (the titular Simon in Love, Simon) and Beulah Koale, a star of the Hawaii Five-Oh series. The opening newsreel was created by award-winning New Zealand animation studio Mukpuddy, after a small test audience got weirded out by the sight of a gremlin in a war film, despite well-documented WWI and WWII gremlin mythology. It’s an unnecessary but happy addition. The cartoon style was inspired by Private Snafu, a series of WWII educational cartoons scripted by none other than Dr. Seuss and directed by Looney Tunes legend Chuck Jones.

But the film ultimately hangs on Chloë Grace Moretz, who overcame cabin fever to drive home an adrenaline rush of screen craft, in which the very limits of what’s humanly possible in mid-air are tested (in ways, it must be said, that wouldn’t be questioned if it were Tom Cruise in the role). Liang would often send directions to Moretz’s ball turret via text, while her cast members delivered live dialogue from an off-set shipping container rigged with microphones. “I just never got sick of Chloë’s face and I’ve watched her hundreds, if not thousands of times. You feel her, you are her, she just engages you in a way that a huge fighting scene might not, if it’s not designed well. Giant empty spectacle is less interesting than one person in one spot, sometimes.”

Ambitious and nerdy about film in equal measure, it’s clear there’s much more to come from Liang, and I’m interested in what her most valuable lesson has been so far. Turns out, it’s a great story involving Chinese veteran Cheng Pei-Pei (Come Drink With Me’s Golden Swallow, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Jade Fox), whose film training includes a tradition of remaining on set throughout filming.

Roseanne Liang on the set of ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

That meant that, during filming of Liang’s My Wedding and Other Secrets, Cheng would stay on set when she wasn’t required. “In New Zealand, trailers are a luxury,” Liang explains. “I said ‘Don’t you want to go to the trailer that we arranged for you?’ ‘No, I just want to sit and watch.’ ‘Why do you want to watch it, you’ve seen it hundreds of times!’ And she said ‘I learn something new every time’. To Pei-Pei, the secret of life is constant education and curiosity and learning. Movies are her work and her craft and her life, and she never gets bored. If I can be like her, that’s the life, right?”

Speaking of which, it’s time we put Liang through our Life in Film interrogation.

What’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the movie that is at the top of the mountain that I’m climbing. To me it’s the perfect blend of spectacle, action design, smarts and heart. It poses the theory that if a robot can learn the value of humanity then maybe there’s hope for the ships that are us. That’s perennial, and possibly even more pertinent today. It holds a very special place in my heart, along with Aliens, Mad Max: Fury Road, Die Hard, La Femme Nikita and Léon: The Professional.

What’s your earliest memory of watching a film? I have a cassette tape that my dad made for my grandma in 1981 (he’d send tapes back to his mother in Hong Kong). I was three years old and he had just taken us to see The Empire Strikes Back in the cinema. And he can’t talk to my grandma because I’m just going on and on about R2-D2. I will not shut up about R2-D2 and he’s like, “Yes, yes I’m trying to talk to your grandmother,” and I’m like, “But Dad! Dad! R2-D2!” So it’s actually an archive, but it’s become my memory.

What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s not the sexiest, but it’s the most romantic. That last scene, those last words where she goes “But you’re gonna be like this forever and I’m gonna be like this forever…” and he just goes “okay”. That to me is one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen. It is a perfect movie.

And the scariest? If it’s a horror movie, the most scared I’ve been is The Ring. I was watching it on a VHS and I was lying on a beanbag on the floor and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move, because I felt that if I moved she’d see me! Also, American Psycho just came to me this year. I caught the twentieth anniversary of that movie, which is a terrifying film, and again, possibly more relevant now than when it was made. The scariest film that’s not a horror is Joker. It scared me how much I liked it. When I came out of the movie, I was like, “I’m scared because I kind of love it, but it’s horrible. It’s so irresponsible. I don’t wanna like this movie but goddamn, I feel it.” Like, I wanted to go on the streets and rage. In a way we’re all the Joker, we’re all the Batman. That duality, that yin and yang, is inside everyone of us. It’s universal.

What is the film that slays you every time, leaving you in a heap of tears? This is a classic one, the opening sequence of Up. The first ten minutes of Up just destroy me every time. I also saw Soul a couple of days ago and I was with the whole family and I, just, if I wasn’t with the whole family I would have been ugly-sobbing. I had a real ache in my throat after the movie because I was trying to stop [myself] from sobbing.

Tell me your favorite coming-of-age film, the film that first gave you ‘teenage feelings’? Pump Up the Volume. Christian Slater! Off the back of Pump Up the Volume, I fancied myself as a prophet and wrote a theater piece called Lemmings. Obviously the main character was a person who could see through the façade, and everyone else was following norms. “No one understands me, I’m a prophet!” So clearly I have this shitty, Joker-style megalomaniac inside of me. It was the worst play, and I don’t know why my teachers agreed for us to do a staging of it!

Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis in ‘Pump Up the Volume’ (1990).

Is there a film that you and your family love to rewatch? We’ve tried to impose our taste on our children, but they’re too young. We showed them The Princess Bride—they didn’t get it. We literally showed our babies Star Wars in their cribs. That’s how obsessive Star Wars fans we were.

Name a director and/or writer that you deeply admire for their use of the artform. I have a slightly weird answer for this. Can I just give love to Every Frame a Painting by Tony Zhou and Taylor Ramos? They are my film school. I was thinking of my love of Edgar Wright, but then I thought of their video essay on Edgar Wright and how to film comedy, and his essay on Jackie Chan and the rhythm of action and then their essay on the Coen Brothers and Shot Reverse Shot. I must have watched that 30 times ahead of the TV show that I’m making now. I started out in editorial and Tony Zhou is an editor and he talks about when to make the cut: it’s an instinct, it’s a feeling, it’s a rhythm. I realized the one thing in common that I could mention about all the films I’ve loved is Every Frame a Painting. It’s their love of movies that comes bubbling out of every single essay that they made that I just wanna shout out at this part of my career.

Were there any crucial films that you turned to in your development for Shadow in the Cloud? Indiana Jones was something that Chloë brought up—she likes the spiffiness and the humor of Indiana Jones. Sarah Connor was our touchstone for the female character. For one-person-in-one-space type stories, I watched Locke quite a lot, to figure out how they shaped tension and story and [kept] us on the edge of our seats when it’s only one person in one space. In terms of superheroes, I came back to Aliens. Not Alien. Aliens. You know, there are two types of people in this world—people who prefer Alien over Aliens, and people who prefer Aliens over Alien. But actually I think I vacillate for different reasons.

Can there be a third type of person, who thinks they’re both great, but Alien³, just, no? Maybe that’s the best group to be in. We don’t need to fight about this, we can love both of them! I was having an argument with James Wan’s company about this, because there’s a rift inside the company of people who prefer Alien over Aliens.

Okay, program a triple feature with your film as one of the three. I don’t know. Ask Ant Timpson!

I’ll ask Ant Timpson. [We did, and he replied: “Well, one has to be the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. And then either Life (2017) or Altitude (2010).”]

Thank you Ant! I used to go to his all-nighters as a university student. He is the king of programming things.

Jake Gyllenhaal in ‘Life’ (2017).

It’s strange that we never met at one of his events! Ant would make me dress up in strange outfits and do weird skits between films. (For those who don’t know, Timpson ran the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for many years—now part of the New Zealand International Film Festival—and still runs an annual 24-Hour Movie Marathon.) So what’s a film from those events that sticks in your head as the perfect genre experience with a crowd? It was a movie about a man protecting a woman who was the girlfriend of a mafia boss: A Bittersweet Life. Not only does it have one of the sexiest Korean actors, sorry, not to objectify, but also I actually screenshot a lot of that film for pitch documents. And, do you remember a crazy Japanese movie where someone’s sitting on the floor with a clear umbrella and a woman is lactating milk? Visitor Q by Takashi Miike. I remember just how fucking crazy that was.

Finally, what was the best film you saw in 2020? I haven’t seen Nomadland yet, so keep in mind that I haven’t seen all the films this year. I have three: The Invisible Man, which I thought was just amazing. I thought [writer-director] Leigh Whannell did such a great job. The Half of It by Alice Wu, a quiet movie that I simply just adored. And then the last movie I saw at the cinema was Promising Young Woman. The hype is real.

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‘Shadow in the Cloud’ is available in select theaters and on video on demand now.