#shit my wife says

[foldingfittedsheets]

Tongues know too much

They know more than fingers do

[deemnfic]

me: you scared the bejesus out of me! wifey: well you shouldn't have had a bejesus in you anyway, so you're welcome.

[vaspider]

Me: [Woman on TV] has some spectacular-ass hair. @apocalycious: How do you know about her ass hair? Me: Secret lesbian knowledge. Evie: Yeah, that makes sense.

[dragonstailbutch]

@dreamyintersexpuppy says: "Do you -wait can you look up Applejacks age? 25? ok, so, do you think Applejack applejacks it?"

[dappersappho]

My fiancée and I were trying to figure out what I could do as an adult hobby.

Her: “What did you enjoy as a kid?”

Me: “Barbies…Hot Wheels.”

Her: ….

Me: “What?”

My adult hobbies:

[buzzbuzzbitchboi]

10:14am, my wife and i are watching a Dead by Daylight video:

Duck: Wait so....

Duck: this is basically among us....

Me: *stares in "bitch are you fucking kidding me"*

Me: *realization hits*

D: I mean... they have tasks!

Me: *reaches for phone*

D: NO NO NO DONT WRITE THAT DOWN

[muusudgoi]

Jais: I'm trying to convince myself my writing doesn't suck.

Me: your writing *doesn't* suck

Jais: I believe you because you've read a whole five books.

Me: *cracks up*

[nagdabbit]

my wife brought lunch up to my office today

my coworkers after she leaves: oh wow she's so nice! from all your stories, we thought she'd be really weird

siobhan texting me from the restroom:

[hells-favorite]

“Nessie’s tail is very small in comparison to her Dumptruck Ass”

[shinetroll]

me: They're like a genetic offshoot of humans, so like cousins to humans.

my wife: Oh yeah, so it's like, uhh.... British people?

(We were talking about the Jaffa in Stargate. The word they were looking for was "Neanderthals.")

[no-wife-no-life]

rocky shop of picture (ed.: pitcher, haha) plants

[deemnfic]

playing card games with new friends

wifey: *wins first round handily* wifey: *looks around while second round is being dealt* i'll let someone else win this round. friends: *immediately rise to the shit-talking challenge* me: BABE, WE HAVE TO SLEEP HERE TONIGHT.

[vaspider]

@apocalycious: Having a flying animal like that would be a significant Appa-tunity...

[dragonstailbutch]

callin sex praxis with how im putting theory (my dick) into practice (your pussy)

[dappersappho]

Fiancée: “Does Sims have a VR mod?”

Me: “No, but you can go into first person, sooo..” (pause) “Imagine Wicked Whims in VR.”

Fiancée: “Oh, god!”

Me: “There’s already an option to connect your Lovense toy to it.”

Fiancée: “OH GOD! 😬”

[buzzbuzzbitchboi]

Duck: You know sometimes i look at you...

Duck: You know how caterpillars like... Munch on leaves?

Me: .... Mhm??

Duck: You look like you do that.

(Several minutes later, in the midst of a tickle fight:)

Duck: *pauses* we pay taxes.

Me: *SCREAM*